The Joe Rogan Experience - #836 - Hannibal Buress

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

Hannibal Buress is a stand-up comedian, actor, television writer and host. Look for his Hannibal Montanabal Tour all over the country this fall. http://hannibalburess.com

da da da Hannibal Montana is that it Hannibal Montanaville experience the Hannibal Montanaville experience can you get sued for that is that too or it's parody right uh it's Hannibal Montanaville it's bowls at the end of it what is a Montanaville Montanaville rhymes is rhymes with Hannibal what is Hannah Montana it We'll see. That's the show with that cute girl. Yeah, it was on Disney. The Cyrus girl, right? Yeah, Marley Starr.

I hope they sue me. The twerker used a bump. Yeah, they can't win. They can't win. Right? It's parody. Can't even. It's not.

Yeah. And it's not a mockery. It's just because I think it's just a goofy thing. It's not mocking anything. I'm not using any imagery. I just think it's just a goofy thing. It's not mocking anything. I'm not using any imagery. I just think those are just funny words to me. Even if you were, you know, I think you're okay. Whatever happened to that chick?

She was going crazy for a while. Remember? She was grinding on people on TV. She's on the new season of The Voice right now. That just started last night. She's a judge. Is she one of the judges or something? Hmm.

She's a talented girl. You ever heard her sing? She's super talented. She sang that song Jolene, like that Dolly Parton song? Yeah. I was like, wow. If she just sang shit like this, she'd be goddamn gigantic. She's a good actress, too.

What did you want to say? Really? Yeah. I think she's a solid actress. What have you seen her in? Her stuff on, well, she's been on Saturday Night Live. Oh, okay. I thought you actually watched Hannah Montana.

I actually did watch a little Hannah Montana back in 08. And when I was, I remember watching a couple episodes. I'm like, this is all right. But also my, I used to be a dad fan fan too. Oh, that's hilarious. Used to be a dad fan fan. Dad fan took too much heat, man. He did.

God, man. I remember when Dat Fan was on Last Comic Standing, because it was season one, and I was one of the judges. Yeah. And he fucking killed. Right. And it didn't seem like there was anything wrong with what he was doing to me. Yeah.

But a lot of people got mad at him. Just for being- I don't know. It was like they just thought he was too too too much of a big show you know he's too loud yeah I don't know what it was that they got upset with him people like what they like people get angry people get angry at weird stuff I know people just get specifically angry myself included but I don't share that for the internet.

Just angry amongst my friends and we talk shit, but I don't like to show that. Right, like you get mad if your friend likes a movie that sucked. Yeah, we'll just, yeah. Sometimes my friend, my friend didn't, what was the movie with the moving shots? It was, Zach Galifianakis is in it. The play. Birdman. Birdman? Oh, Zach Galifianakis is in it. The play. Birdman. Birdman.

Oh, Zach Galifianakis was in Birdman? He's like the stage director. Oh, that's right. Of course. Man, my friend Tony, we were in Denver. Tony Tramm, my DJ, he had one of them weed patches. We were in Denver for like four days. He had a weed patch that you could put on. He got it from a dispensary.

And then he got high. And then we started talking about Birdman. And I was like, yeah, I kind of like Birdman. And he went on a 10-minute rant. Like, fuck Birdman. The movie's pretentious. And he's just like, man. He's like, I like Birdman, but I don't know if I like it as much as you hate it.

He went on forever. I couldn't believe it. He's kind of got a point. It's kind of pretentious. But, I mean, don't you want that sometimes? Like, someone to take a chance to make something that's just bizarre. It was a bizarre-ass movie. Like, that was a chance-taking movie.

Right? Yeah. I enjoyed it. I'd never seen somebody be so passionate about that. You ever be around your friend like, I didn't know you were capable of such hate. People get like that, man. They get like that with music. Yeah.

You know, you can talk to some people about certain bands you're just not supposed to like. Like, when I was a kid, I used to have to hide the fact that I loved Kiss. Yeah. Because, like, when I was in, like, seventh grade, Kiss was not cool. It was not a cool thing. Like, the young kids, they all wanted to know to know about like ACDC and Led Zeppelin so where uh when you were in seventh grade yeah where was Kiss in their trajectory here's what happened with Kiss Kiss had this gigantic loyal following that came to all their concerts they

sold out gigantic arenas all over the world but they couldn't get any radio play. It was real weird. They only had a couple of big hits. They had Beth. Beth was a big hit. Detroit Rock City, Rock and Roll All Night. Those were big. And Party Every Day. That's still a big one.

But there wasn't a lot of radio play. There was a lot of bands that had way more radio play. But for whatever reason, they never lost their popularity amongst their hardcore fans because they put on a great show. I went to see them twice when they made their comeback tour with Kevin James. Kevin James was opening for Kiss? No, no, no. No, we were friends. We went to watch it.

Oh, you were with Kevin James? What a combination that would be. Doing some stand-up in front of Kiss. Have you ever done stand-up in front of a band? Lots of times, yeah. Do you really? Yeah. Do you like it?

Sometimes. Sometimes it can go well. You have to be set up correctly, though. And I've learned what to ask for to make the show go right. What do you ask for? You just ask for somebody from the band to introduce you either on stage or off mic. asked for you just asked for somebody from the band to introduce you either on stage or off mic and and so you establish in front of the crowd as a friend of theirs and not just some asshole that right right where the band says we booked this guy this is our guy please welcome hannibal

i learned that when i opened for this band it's cool super nice guys they saw me at zany's in chicago the chicago band uh jam band um Umphrey McGee. Huge fan base. They tour all the time. They asked me to do this gig in DeKalb outside of Chicago. I was excited to do it. It was a couple hundred bucks or something. Different gig, opening for a band. It was cool.

And it's packed. It's theater. It's packed. And then they tell me, you know, it's getting ready to go on. And the lights drop and the crowd goes crazy and I'm about to go

I'm like that is not for me at all and so then I just walk out cold like hello I'm here and start trying to do comedy and people just like

where's Umphrey McGee's and it's where's Umphrey's and they just didn't know we didn't know so We didn't know. Every crowd isn't ready for comedy.

You have to settle. People have to be expecting it. It'll be settled. Or it's a fight. And I wasn't prepped to fight at that moment just to fight them down. I did all right, but that's it. I mean, I do shows where I have rappers or bands open for me also, and sometimes some people in the crowd are into it, some people aren't,

but it's music that I enjoy, so I try to just mix it up sometimes and have a bit of a variety show versus just straight stand-up. Why not? If that's what you want to do, definitely you should do it. I've opened for a few bands back in the day, but I'd never do it again. Some of the experiences were just horrific. Yeah. I opened for Bon Jovi once

in a theater in the round. It was this thing for VH1. It was in the round, and I was on stage with a bunch of musical instruments. There was a drum kit there. I had to move around. I couldn't do anything physical. There was a microphone set up, and then

after I did my set, I was supposed to bring girls towards the front of the stage they wanted to pick out attractive girls in the audience to go backstage no no be around the stage okay so when they're filming it okay the ones who are really close to the camera screaming yeah bon jovi and then i'm a dirtbag like for backstage right they turned you into the wrangler they turned me into the regular but you gotta You can open it, but you got to also grab some girls. Here's the deal, bro. We're road dogs. No, they wanted a bunch of it because they were filming it for VH1, I think it was at the time.

But I was like, I can't keep doing these. They just don't go well 50% of the time. Yeah, I mean, I've done some. You know who Chance the Rapper is? He's a rapper out of Chicago. I've done some stuff with him, and sometimes it'll go well, and then there's one in Chicago. And I'm from Chicago, so I'm thinking, this is going to be great.

This is my city, too. Dude, it was just, it was because I made fun of, you know, Chicagoans that live in the city will, sometimes you'll meet somebody, and you're like, where are you from? And they'll say, Chicago. What part of Chicago? And they'll be like, Schaumburg. Like, that's not Chicago.

Right. Like, this is suburban. That's what that improv is. Yeah. That's 40 minutes outside of Chicago. Right. It's a suburban kind of city sort of. It's like Thousand Oaks.

Yeah, that type of thing. And so I talked about that. I did that on stage. It was the venue was in the city. And then I talked about that on stage. But most of that crowd was were white kids from the suburbs, and then it just turned from there, and they just started. It just got restless, and then some dude just yelled out,

he was just like, Kevin Hart! I was like, what does that mean? Wow. That's hilarious. That's some psychology shit, right? He's going to point to the most successful comic ever and compare you. I mean, Kevin Hart is, if he's not the most successful, he's like top two, right?

I mean, what are the arguments? There's three arguments, right? It's like Dice Clay, Dane Cook, and Kevin Hart. And as far as sustaining it, his run has been pretty crazy. Insane. He has his own shoe, so I think it's him. He's got a motivational shoe him he's got a motivational shoe he's got a motivational quotes all over it and his shoe actually kevin hart's shoe looks better

than a lot of athlete shoes definitely he's a smart dude he's a smart dude smart dude worked hard nice dude but that's funny that he thinks that like yelling that out it's gonna hurt your feelings it was just more weird it is weird it is weird but that's uh that's a that's a jab you know yeah it's interesting that people do that like you point to like as if almost as if someone's success even though it's like astronomical like crazy success even to a really successful guy like you, it'll fuck with you. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, you do really well.

I know you're not walking around going, man, I wish my life was fucking better right now. No, you're great. Everything's awesome in your world. Everything's smooth as fuck. But someone can yell out, Kevin Hart. You're like, yeah. No, people, it's a weird space to be in. No, people, it's a weird space to be in. Because now, you have that.

Well, two, it's a different way. You got your fans. And then you also have people that just know who you are and might not fuck with you at all. They just know you. And so I went into this Mexican restaurant in Chicago last week. And I go straight to the bathroom in the back. It's a great spot in Chicago last week and I I go straight to the bathroom in the back there's a spot it's a great spot Chicago by the way check it out I in Dale Lincoln and full of it and go to the back and I come back out he's he's tall too tall black woman and one of them like I'm right next to her she

gestures towards me like yeah he's famous or something. Like real dismissive. I didn't say anything to her. I was just being it. Yeah, he's famous or something. Then she says to me, yeah, my friends tried to get me to come hang out with you at Mad River. It's a bar in Chicago.

They tried to get you to come hang out, but we didn't want to. I'm like, all right, why are you? But we didn't want to. Yeah, something like that. I'm like, what is happening right now? What are you? And so I look at her body. She's in great shape, like 6'2", short, short song.

She got a volleyball body. So I say, you play volleyball? She said, yeah, we play at DePaul. And so they ordered their food, sit down. I ordered my food, sit down. And then I go on my phone and I Google DePaul women's volleyball and look at last year and look at the roster. And I look over there.

I say, hey, Ashley, what the fuck happened last season? They had a bad season last year. Oh, that's hilarious. And then her friend pipes up. Hey, we had a lot of good individual accomplishments. We set some individual records last year. And I was like, so you guys had bad team chemistry. But yeah, it was just, I felt the need to dig back because I was just grabbing some

fucking tacos. And she just made me feel weird just by being there. Well, she felt like she could get a free shot at you because you're famous yeah or or she just does that to people all the time maybe she does maybe she just had a i don't know maybe i was intimidated she was tall she's a big beautiful girl big beautiful girl with like a voice maybe a tone like mine maybe i couldn't handle my own tone is that she sounds like you? Not like me, but she had kind of a...

That kind of depth. Not depth, but just sarcasm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, tone that way. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. No, she was being rude. She may have been just a big, rude, giant bitch

that wants a dude to take that challenge. You know what I mean? If you're a girl that's that big and athletic, you could probably fuck up a lot of dudes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, if you're a girl that's that big and athletic, you could probably fuck up a lot of dudes. Yeah. You know? That's a big girl.

Like, she probably has to, like, she probably has to test dudes all the time. Maybe that was her way of hitting on me. Maybe she was negging me and I fucking took it the wrong way.

Yeah, maybe if you just took it like an ace. You just rolled with it like a Shaolin monk. Yeah. Well, I did neg back. You did, but that's actually pretty funny. The way you did it is pretty funny.

I think everything worked out great. I mean, I know where to find it if I want to find it. I don't know why I always want to wonder what someone's motivation is, but I always do. I do too. I don't know. You never know. It's almost like, why do I bother?

Why can't I just get the fuck away from this? Why do I have to find out what someone's motivation is? Yeah, people, yeah, I end up in conversations where I should just probably leave, but I'm just that curious about what's going on. Who the fuck are you? Why? What is your, what's up with you? Why would you do that?

Yeah. And also, I have to win. I have to win. Well, it's a game that you're really good at. It's a shit-talking game. Yeah. And also, I have to win. I have to win. Well, it's a game that you're really good at. It's a shit-talking game. Yeah. Do you get upset when someone starts shit-talking with you? Like, wait a minute.

You're a goddamn amateur here. Yeah. You're shit-talking with a professional comedian? How often have you done this? Yeah. You know? Yeah. How good are you at this for real?

It's fun, though. It is fun. It's all fun and games. So someone's soul gets crushed you know what happened in vegas this uh it was this girl that i known not really known that well but she's beautiful and she hit me up out of nowhere hey i miss you we never messed around anything you know and i was this is you she missed you and so uh i uh so I was in Boston at the moment, I think. I don't know.

I was just in a sort of a, not a bad mood, but a weird mood, impulsive. And she just hit me up out of nowhere. I was like, let's go to Vegas for the UFC fight. Oh, shit. Fly her out. We get to the airport around the same time. Go out. Go to Calvin Harris' plan, go there.

And we get back to the room, and she's kind of, like, cold towards me, like almost buddy. I'm like, eh, I mean, we never really hung out, but it's still like you're flowing to Vegas. It's a vibe and it's a little bit of a subtext to that. It's Vegas vibe and it's a little bit of a subtext to that. It's Vegas also. Right. And so she kind of just go to sleep on me.

I'm like, wait a minute, Vegas? What the fuck is going on? What's happening? You thought you missed? And so I end up in the morning, go for it again. She's kind of broke. I'm like, does this chick even like me at all? it's like I'm like does this chick even like me at all

it's like I go down on her she's completely quiet but it's like moving her body positively but but not saying a word

but not saying a word to the point where I gotta check and see if this is okay I pop my head up I'm like hey we good just cause

I had to do a I had to do a consent check that's hilarious man that's a good move though yeah dude I can't Just because I had to do a consent check. That's hilarious. Man. That's a good move, though. Yeah, dude. I can't fucking.

Today, the same age? Man, I had to check, man. I was like, hey, are we good? You good? She's like, we good. I was like, back at it. But she didn't make a noise. You know how weird pussy eating sounds with no moaning or yups or yes? Yeah.

With nothing, though? It was weird, but I could tell she... I've been thinking about nothing else for days. It's just moaning, just no moaning, just acapella pussy eating. But I could feel her body, like she's moving her body around. I could tell she came a couple times because, like, air came out. Whoa. I don't think that's how it works. I think it is.

Like, she's... Because at one point, yeah. Like, I felt some air come out. It wasn't... But it didn't make a noise. I don't think we're ever going to really know if they're coming or not. I think there could be a lot of fuckery going on. Yeah.

A lot of fake orgasms. I don't know. I don't know. A lot of timesery going on. A lot of fake orgasms. We don't know. A lot of times girls just fake come so that you could stop. I don't know. I'm guessing. It must have happened. But I'm just saying I don't think air coming out constitutes orgasm. Seems like it should.

There should be like a little turkey tester that goes off. Maybe she lied to me. Whatever. We end up hooking up And go out to lunch And then I realize We are There's no No compatibility

No compatibility at all This chick Doesn't even Like me So you mow him When you eat her pussy That's all you need to know That's all you need to know

It's just laser Like Doesn't like me at all Or is just Bad at showing it Doesn't Can't even fake Just is just Bad at showing it Doesn't Can't even fake Just wants to

Be at the fights And shit So Okay We get back to the room Getting ready It's like three Ish

So getting ready I'm like I'm gonna see the whole thing I'm gonna see the prelims And So But I'm trying to get it in again Let's fucking hook up again

I understand You have to tell me And then She says I don't hook up On the first night I'm trying to get it in again. Let's fucking hook up again. I understand. You have to tell me. And then she says, I don't hook up on the first night. I'm like, we already did it already. What are you talking about? She's like, yeah, that's my rule. I don't do it on a... I was like, what are you talking about?

She's like, that's me and my roommates. That's our house rule. Our house rule. We're not even fucking house. A bunch of cock-blocking bitches all getting together. You fly out on the first. What are you talking about? We already did it, and it's not your house.

And so I'm like, what is? I don't want to. Who does that? That's weird. And so I kind of step out of the room, make a phone call. I talk to my friends to consult me. What the fuck do I do with this shit? Just leave all your shit in the room and buy new shit.

That's what you do. You just go. You have your phone in your hand.? Just leave all your shit in the room and buy new shit. That's what you do. You just go. You have your phone in your hand. Do you have a computer back in the room? I do. Okay, so you go back in. You don't want to leave the computer. You go grab your computer.

You go, I'll be right back. And then you never come back. That's what I came back in. I came back in the room. I came back in the room. I say, I'm going to buy new clothes. I'm going to... Buy new clothes. No, I'm going to take somebody... No. Close, though.

Walk in the fight with a computer. That would have been great. I would do it. I say, I'm going to take somebody else to the fight. Oh, shit. I have my assistant get you a separate hotel room, and I'll buy you a single ticket to the fight if you want. Because I was like, I don't feel like you're feeling me,

and it would be a disservice to both of us in wasting each other's time. But you have another hotel room. I'll get you a ticket to the fight if you want. That's a gentleman's move. I like that. That's better than what I was going to do. I was going to run out the door with a computer. It felt weird to do it, and it felt weird to build up to doing it,

but I had a great night, man. I hung out with another friend in Vegas, and she's a much better person. Beautiful. Yeah. It's weird, though. Well, that's a good move. But that's my fault for not. Well, you took a chance. I never even had a real conversation with her, and I flew this woman out.

That's how beautiful she was. Wow, you took a chance. This is what life's all about. This is Vegas. Yeah, you could meet someone like that on the first night,. They could be the best person you ever met in your life. You'd fall in love forever. Right, Jamie? That's true.

I mean, you definitely can. I support you on both decisions. I support you on your impulsiveness and just flying out a beautiful woman. I support you on continuing to eat her pussy and asking for consent in the middle of it. I support you on that. And I definitely support you getting her another room and doing it classy and getting her a ticket to the fight. She didn't want the ticket, but that's fine. Good.

Even better. I support you 100%. That's a fucking, you got an A plus, sir. If I was your teacher, if I was your professor in how to be a man, I'd give you a fucking A plus. Thank you. That's what you're supposed to do. I'm getting better. I'm growing up.

Successful comedian With resources Fly that young lady out She might be the girl You dream Maybe I'll settle down Next time Settle down

Relax Trying to man It's hard Trying to Growing up It's hard I bought a building I bought some real estate

You bought some real estate I bought an apartment building In Chicago Oh shit A whole building A whole building A three unit apartment building Do you live in it Or just bought it Don't live don't live in it it's tenants now but i want an airbnb

wow that's interesting man what if you start a fucking hannibal burris hotel i was thinking that's what that's like a like a five ten year not five maybe ten years down i would have to either get other people in with funding and stuff but i looked at this one place it's just one building in chicago but it's a it's a lot of money and it would have to be an all cash buy and i can't do it so i'm trying to get other people to partner up man the hotel business sounds interesting like if you like you developed a cool because it's kind of entertaining in a way like you're entertaining those people. Isn't that off- I mean, I'm traveling all the time.

I'm in hotels, so I kind of know what I like in a hotel. But you know what I mean? Like the experience of going to a hotel is in a lot of ways like an entertaining experience. Definitely. The lounge, the colors, what you have in the lobby.

Yeah. The stuff in the rooms, you know. In a lot of ways, like even the other way. Like there's a Motel 6 in ketchikan alaska that i stayed at and uh it's fucking great or hotel six like it's a hotel six yeah but uh because it's so ridiculous because it's in this like really remote place yeah it's there's something cool about that you know there's something cool about just the standardness of it all the wood panels on the door you know like that kind of. I don't even know if they have wood panels, but you know what I mean,

like that standard Motel 6 type look. When you're in a place like that, if you went to a place like Ketchikan, Alaska, and there was a Four Seasons with some sort of a fireplace that has broken glass in it, like one of those weird ones, you'd be like, like what the fuck is this it wouldn't make any sense but the Hannibal Buress Hotel I see a lot of red velour I see a lot like this room I see red velour black I see gold lace I see like a beautiful design to the place I hear good music good smells good food is good 24-hour food 24-hour food. 24-hour food. Reasonable mini bar prices.

I like it. I need to make a profit, but I'm not going to fuck you over. How many people are we talking about in this hotel? How big? Little, right? Like a boutique? A little one for the first one. Something like 20 to 30 rooms, something like that.

That's beautiful. That's like a fucking party. Yeah. 20 rooms is like a party. We all gathered up all of our friends, we all have, we all gathered up all of our friends that we knew and we all brought

girlfriends or wives and there's 20 of us. We could, we could fill a goddamn 20 room hotel. Yeah. Easy. Definitely, man.

That's a good move. Trying to, I want to, uh, do entertainment for fun like seven years from now and not for money anymore. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Where it's not, where it's not necessary to go on the road or, or do a TV show or do a movie

where it's like, I would really love to do that. Well, then I'm torn because I want your hotel to be successful but I want you

to keep doing comedy. I don't want you to turn into a lazy bitch. Not a lazy bitch, but I'll be doing stuff with my real estate. I want to but I want you to keep doing comedy. I don't want you to turn into a lazy bitch. Not a lazy bitch, but I'll be doing stuff with my real estate. I want to get my goal. I want to get another building this year. Damn, you're a magnate.

And get two multifamily properties a year for the next five years. And then run for president. No, no, no. Because that only pays $400,000 a year. But it's the speaking fees, man. Speaking fees. That's where you make all your money.

You do your eight years, and when you get out, you make a billion dollars. How much do you think Obama's going to make? Let me tell you something. Probably a couple million. You know who should be rooting and crossing his fingers that Trump wins is Obama. Because if Trump wins, Obama will make so much fucking money talking about democracy and giving speeches about what it's like to be a president and what it's like to run the greatest nation in the world. Either way, Trump.

Oh, he's going to be fine either way, but he can literally double his money if Trump wins. Here's a theory a lot of people have said, and I't think he wants to win do you think he wants to win with the moves he's been pulling i don't know man he said he has one office one campaign office in florida that has four employees good perfect he's winning like hashtag tiger blood. He's not, I mean, beyond the idiotic shit he's saying, he's not really running an efficient campaign. It's entirely possible that he doesn't really want to win. If you think about it, it's entirely possible that he thought that it would be like, remember when Howard Stern ran for governor of New York? Was that the 90s? Yeah, something like that.

Wasn't it, Jamie? I think it was somewhere in there. But I don't think Howard Stern really wanted to be the governor. I just think he wanted to have some fun. Right. And that might have been what happened with Donald Trump. He might have been just thinking he was going to make a splash, have some fun. And now he's in too deep. Yeah, and he was still doing his a splash, have some fun. Now he's in too deep.

Yeah, and he was still doing his TV show back then, remember? Like, he was still the Celebrity Apprentice guy, or whatever it is. Not Celebrity Apprentice. Is that the name of the show? Why does it sound so stupid? It was just The Apprentice, then it was The Celebrity Apprentice. So NBC fired him from that show. Yeah.

Because he was saying a bunch of shit about Mexicans. And when they fired him from the show, that's when he ramped it up. And when he ramped it up, that's when he got more and more popular. And that's when he won the Republican nomination. Like, it's all part of it is because NBC canceled his fucking show. That's what happened. NBC made Trump. So we got NBC to blame. This is what we got to blame.

We got NBC and we got Caitlyn Jenner. Because there's a part of America that when Caitlyn Jenner won the woman of the year after being a woman for six months. Yeah. And when ESPN did that giant piece on her and, you know, they're fucking flying over her house with a helicopter and the drapes are blowing in the breeze and she's hiding in the shadows. You're like, what the fuck? There's a part of America that was like, fuck this. Enough. We got to put our foot down.

We gotta put our fucking foot down now. And then Trump came along. I'm an asshole! And they were like, I'm an asshole too! Stand up. Stand proud. People got upset. I think there's like an ebb and flow to shit. I think when things go too left-wing,

too progressive, too transgender in the bathroom, all that crazy shit, when that goes down, there's a part of America that's just not ready yet. And they go, fuck that. And that's where you get Trump. That's a solid theory. Solid, right? I'm more fascinated when I watch the people in the crowd just really agreeing with the bullshit he's saying. Like when he said the stuff,

black people, what do you got to lose? You had no jobs. Everybody's in poverty. And there's people in the back like, yeah. He said that? Yeah. There's a speech? There's a speech.

Oh, please play that. He's appealing to black voters by just saying, there's no jobs. You're living in poverty. The schools are bad. It's 58% unemployment with your youth. I mean, what do you got to lose? That's a pretty good impression.

It's not bad. I know exactly who you're doing. Wow, we were watching earlier when you said that Obama founded ISIS. We were watching that earlier. We're like, this is like a pro wrestling show. Like he's saying some crazy shit. Just goes for it. But he's saying some ridiculous.

Here, play it so we can hear it, Jamie. Trump asking for the vote of every single African American. Oh my god. What do you have to lose by trying something new like Trump? What do you have to lose by trying something new like Trump? What do you have to lose?

I hope he's high as fuck right now. And he's making a documentary. Shadow from the hat covering his dumb eyes. Chris Bell's filming all this seriously, secretly. Look at him. They're all screaming, cheering. There's a black woman back there. I say it again.

What do you have to lose? Look, what do you have to lose? You're living in poverty. Your schools are no good. You have no jobs. 58% of your youth is unemployed. What the hell do you have to lose? Wow, this is amazing.

We're watching a movie. It's a Coen Brothers movie. And at the end of four years, I guarantee you that I will get over 95% of the African-American vote. I promise you. He's a... I promise you.

Even just saying that, who gives a shit? What? What percentage? How do you know that? He doesn't have a plan. He's just talking. But the crowd is wet. Yeah, it's fascinating. If he was doing that for 30 people, I'd be like, okay, I get it. I have some pretty significant theories. I think that people are way too soft.

I think it's way too easy to stay alive, and I think we've never, ever had that in human history. And I think that we're overbreeding because of it at a ridiculous rate, and I think there's a bunch of people out there that have no business fucking and or having kids. Well, you just turned very serious. I'm fucking serious.

I think it's not their fault it's no one's fault it's no one's fault it's just the cycle that we're in we're in a cycle of safety we're in a cycle of safety that's we're in a cycle of recreational outrage people are getting outrage of things that don't make any sense the reason why there's no life-threatening fucking situations that are constantly at your door there's no wolves there's no life-threatening fucking situations that are constantly at your door. There's no wolves. There's no fucking, nothing's going wrong. So we're going after words. You can't say retard anymore.

You know, don't say tranny. We're getting outraged about shit that doesn't make any sense. Well, that's more of a product of the internet than survival. Those are bad examples. Having wolves come at your door. I think that's just a product of the internet, people being able to react to something, and people being able to gather together on something and then start a petition.

Yeah, those are bad examples. Retarded is not a bad example because that doesn't mean a disease. It just means someone who's slow to get things yeah we shouldn't automatically imply that you're you're picking on someone with a mental illness and in fact when people initially had down syndrome when the birth certificates would come it would call them a mongoloid idiot that would be like what it would be listed on the actual birth certificate yeah mongoloid idiot very straightforward it's very straightforward

and very bizarre hard times these are hard times we're talking about it's good it's look everything is good it's better to be alive right now this is as good as it gets this is a beautiful time but we're gonna get things like that we're gonna get things like that trump thing because it's so fucking easy to stay alive easy to be alive but it's fun it's fun for it to be easy to stay alive. It is easy to be alive. Easy as fuck. It's fun for it to be easy to be alive. Exactly. I was at my friend's house. We just gotta balance back. Yeah.

He was playing PS4 and he was playing baseball on a PS4 which I think is horrible. Is it horrible? Why is it horrible? Baseball, video games, I'm not into it.

Give me football, give me basketball, give me fighting, give me a fighting game, give me something shooting, but baseball? It's not good? On a video game? Not to me. Obviously, everybody likes what they like.

But I'm over there as a guest. He doesn't even have a second controller. And so I went on my phone, went on Postmates, Target, PS4 controller, the UFC 2 game. They brought, it was there in 20 minutes. 20 minutes? To my friend's house. What? I don't even own a PS4.

I just wanted to play something different. They can do that? They came through with, with the UFC game and the controller and we hooked that shit up. In 20 minutes? And we were playing UFC. How the hell did they do that? It's just basically a delivery It's not Target, it's Postmates Where it's a person and they're driving around

And they're waiting for orders Wow So I'll take that over at Wolves Fuck yeah No, I'm not saying that it's bad I think this is the best time to be alive ever, for sure. But there's guys like you, and there's guys like a lot of my other friends, that I'm just happy to know and happy to be around.

And then there's a bunch of people out there, unfortunately, and for them, they've been exposed to some bad ideas. Yeah. And they don't have the best genetics, and they're living in somewhere that sucks, and they get to vote too. Right. and they're living in somewhere that sucks and they get to vote too right i do see when i do i'll see i'm i love reading comments on articles just to just to see is that real right is that a real human being that thinks that that's that they and i'm fascinated all the time where it's

it hurts me and it makes me happy at the same time. I can't believe that I live on the same earth as that type of person that thinks that for real. Or a person that really thinks that Trump will be president or a person that has these views about that. Well, Trump could be president, right? I mean, it's halfway there. He's the Republican nominee. He is. He's gotten

super far. I don't think it's going to happen from here. The fact that he's gotten this close is crazy. It's crazy. But I think those people that you're talking about that you can't believe't think that i don't think it's gonna happen from here man i think the fact he's getting as close as crazy it's crazy but i think those people that you're talking about that you you can't believe they think that way they're a product of whatever the fuck happened to them in their world like there's pockets of the world that are all a mess right now and if you were born in that pocket or i was born in that pocket in the same sort of circumstances yeah that's one of the things that it's hard it's hard to recognize as a person. You see someone's an asshole, you just go,

that's a fucking asshole, fuck them. But in a way, we kind of look at those people and go, damn, they just got fucked. They got born into a group of dummies with a bunch of violent tendencies and crime and bullshit and nonsense, and this is all they've ever known, and they're just trying to get by. And a guy like Trump comes along like yes finally and if it wasn't trump it could be a number of motivational speakers all throughout the country that might have nefarious intentions yeah anybody who's really like super charismatic now it's kind

of open game right like when a guy like trump can come along and talk as much crazy shit as he has. And in some ways I'm not opposed to him winning because in some ways I'm like, look, he is the best guy to fuck this system in the ass. And we know this system sucks. It's almost like this guy's a suicide bomber. Like Trump's like this wild dude with a vest

and a sweaty face and he's just running into that cafe yeah boom well yeah the two-party system is flawed anyways i'm gonna put that on a meme yeah it should be more than two people able to run. For sure. It should be a lot. Do you know Tom Rhodes? Yeah. He was on Duncan Trussell's podcast the other day, and he was talking about the way it's set up in Holland. It's like 10 or something.

Yeah, something. Jamie, see if you can find out how many candidates they have, how many parties, rather, they have in Holland. But it's many, many, many. And they're all like, it's real real reasonable like how they're placed yeah and there's i'm sure there's like a lot of us me included that we were upset because there's some things on one side that i agree with some things on another side that i agree with right and some things that aren't being represented at all like the idea that these two people whatever opinions they discuss are the only opinions that we should all be talking about? That's crazy.

It's crazy. There should be more. Why can't they collaborate with that Trump? Jesus, look at how many they have in Holland.

This is crazy. How many do they have, Jamie? 11, but there's 17. Six of them didn't vote in the 2012 election, so they might be brand new.

I'm not sure. But they have 11 different parties? That voted in the last, yeah. they might be brand new. I'm not sure. But they have 11 different parties? That voted in the last, yeah. They all had candidates. Wow. See, that's right.

That's how it should be done. We're getting hoodwinked by a group of people that are just controlling this ancient system. And it's not a good system. And they know it's not a good system. But the only way you could ever stop this system is you have to have people with pure hearts and minds that are willing to admit the system sucks. So they're going to lose whatever position of influence that they have and step back and be judged by the merit of their own ideas again. Instead of being a senator or a congressman or a president, they just say, look, this system sucks. You think it sucks? I think it sucks. Let's get together the best legal scholars and people

that understand human nature and let's conduct and compose a system that works. And let's really run the government like it's one of us and that we're all in this together. These old fucks don't realize that. They just cling to power till they're in the grave. They just

hang on to it like it's a rope hanging over the abyss. They know they're going to drop into it. They don't want to let go. Oh, we need to control these independents. Reduce the number of percentages they have to make. It's just the way it's going to be, man. I'm fascinated by the level of... Obviously, we have egos to want to do what we do,

but to want to run a country just a level dude if you can't take jokes you can't play basketball and you're not really good at fighting you find a way to be special to want to run it that's a different it's a weird impulse it's a different type of of pressure here's here's the weirdest thing about that impulse. When you see someone out there in the world, when you see someone that you admire, whether it's an athlete or a brilliant scholar or whoever

the fuck it is, you see a musician, you see someone you really admire, that person has accomplished something amazing. All a president has to do is get people to like him right that's it like Obama really didn't have a whole lot of experience in the world like creating things or making things it went from

being what a lawyer to a senator right Lord yeah didn't community activist yeah and then yeah state senator, then a senator. I mean... And he got in, I think, I don't know if it's state senator or senator, but he got in because

he moved up because a dude had a sex scandal in Illinois. Oh, that's right. That's right. Who was that dude? That's your state? I forget.

I forget who it was. But it's not like, like, like pick a person. Like, you know, some great person in history that's done something amazing. And you look at them and you're like, wow, I would love it if that great person of wisdom and accomplishment, if that person would step up and be president. That doesn't necessarily have to be the case in America. All you have to do is just be liked. Right.

That's kind of crazy. It is. It is. It is. I don't even know. I mean, both Hillary and Trump are 70 or 69. Yeah, they're too old. Why are you doing that?

Why are you doing that? Yeah. Old people can dream, but don't dream so big. Dude, you're 30 and you're thinking about retiring. Yeah, 33. You're already buying hotels and thinking about an exit strategy. Yeah, I'm thinking about it. I'm 100% because I like this.

I enjoy this, but I see how I could go. I just see how I look at how other people have handled their moment and how other people have handled their finances. And I don't want any part of that. So I'm making every step, everything I do every day is about being super stable seven years from now and comfortable and to have enough passive income where I don't have to worry about that. That's very smart, man. It's very smart. And you're doing it like in a real proactive way. Not a whole lot of people look at it that way.

Everybody else just sort of like rides it out, you know. Or, well, it's a weird mindset, right? It's like the investment mindset is so different than the creative mindset. Yeah. It's just, I mean, it's just, you know, not just spending smart and just research a lot now and just, you know, shift my Internet time from the bullshit to just looking at properties and just. That's smart. Trying to do something else, man. And just I just don't I want to end up on no special.

He spent 2014 and he did that. And now he's done that. Real Hollywood stories. Hannibal Buress. in 2014 and he's dead and now he's done with that. Real Hollywood stories. Hannibal Buress. I don't want to be on some goofy ass show that I don't want to be doing

eight years from now where you're like, oh, he definitely needed the money. I don't want to do anything that I don't want to do. Isn't that a funny conversation, man?

That's a funny conversation because we all know what it's like. Have you ever been on a bad show? On a bad show? Yeah. Like a bad TV? Not on know what it's like. Have you ever been on a bad show? On a bad show? Like a bad TV? Not on,

no, not really. I haven't done that much, that many different TV shows. There's a bunch of dudes out there right now working in lumber yards, driving trucks, taking meth,

trying to stay awake, listening to us right now, going, you fucking bitches are complaining about being on a shitty TV show. Where do I sign up, bro? Where the fuck

do I sign up to get out of this job? And you're right, folks. You're right. You've got to humor us. Yeah. You've got to humor us. Because I've been on a bad show. And I was on a show that was worse than a bad show.

It was a good show. It turned into a bad show. I was on this show called Hardball. And it started out, these guys who wrote it, they wrote for The Simpsons. They wrote for Married With Children, Jeff Martin and Kevin Kern really smart guys Yeah, and they they wrote this hilarious pilot We did it Jim Brewer was in the pilot and I was in the pilot and a bunch of other people that wound up doing

Doing a bunch of different movies and shit and it was a funny pilot and then the network got a hold of it and they just Fucked the shit out of it and they threw in some really hacky producer who wound up getting he wound up getting fired like halfway through the six episodes that we did and it was allegedly there was a bunch of other shit going on and the writing was off the charts bad yeah it was so i got to be like on a bad show it's a terrible feeling for a season no like six episodes six episodes but the first the first one was the pilot, which was really funny. And then it just was like all of a sudden I was over here doing something that was terrible. And you're better off doing nothing than doing something you hate.

Yeah. That doesn't make any sense because you make money and ultimately it's worth doing. And ultimately for me it was definitely worth something because I learned from the experience. Right. You can't just do a TV show. Right. You got to be sure. And even if you're sure, like the pilot was really funny,

I was pretty sure that that would be okay. It doesn't matter because a bunch of other factors can fall into place. Yeah. I just remembered I did do a bad show. It was my TV show last year. What happened with that? I think, I mean, we had our moments, but it just. We might need some more booze to get the truth out of you. No, I'm telling you.

Can I hear with some ice? Uh, I think it's just, it had its moments, but we didn't. We, they came with an idea. They came to me and the producer and Comedy Central came. Basically, this is the show. This is the idea. Hannibal doing sketches, man, on the street and Comedy Central came. Basically, this is the show, this is the idea. Hannibal doing sketches, man, on the street stuff, just figuring out the answers to these questions.

But it's just, I guess we didn't really focus it and focus the point of view, and it was kind of all over the place. And we had our funny moments and did a couple good sketches, but it just, by the end of it, it didn't feel, I wasn't excited anymore. Those last two episodes were, you know, when we do it in front of a live audience, it really was just about finishing that shit, man. Wow, I hate to hear that, man.

Yeah, but I'm happy I did it, i i had that moment where you know for what was that two months last year i'm on tv show not a lot of people get to say that uh but uh yeah it's just you know you learned a lot i learned a lot it was fun got to work with some cool people but yeah it just wasn't as far as what i wanted my first, you know, kind of headlining project to be. It wasn't that. Beautiful. Jameson and whiskey and ice just brought up. Now, what were you trying to do and what went wrong?

You know what? Am I an interviewer now? Listen to that. Give me the glass, bro. Give me some ice. I sound like Matt Lauer. What are you trying to do? I just went into interview mode as I got some ice.

You know, I think I kind of went into it not really knowing. I mean, I learned later on how to run things better and how to give people direction on what I needed a little bit better. But I don't think we came in with a focus because I was thinking with a TV show, not that we would completely wing it, but that we would be able to kind of find it as we go. We never did a true pilot episode. Cheers. Cheers.

We never did a true pilot episode cheers chip we never did a true pilot episode our pilot episode was our premiere episode and i look at some of my choices i chose this weird ass closing bit on there well oh why did i pick that as a bit i didn't write it but i liked it and sometimes you'd like stuff in the writer's room. That is hilarious. And then you execute that shit. You're like, what were we doing? Can I ask you a question? Sure.

Okay. Outside of a television show. Yeah. If you were just sitting around and someone said, Hannibal, I want you to just be your creative self. Would you ever gravitate towards writing sketches? Would I gravitate towards writing? Yeah. Just. On your own. on my own no but it was it's sometimes where i come up with something that definitely works better visually than uh than

stand up oh i try to tell a stand-up bit like but it'll work better uh visually animated or as a sketch yeah yeah definitely i agree there's there's there's some subjects that i've had to it would work better visually, animated or as a sketch. Yeah, definitely. I agree. There's some subjects that I've had to abandon. Right. Because they really didn't, I thought they were hilarious, but I couldn't, they just didn't. Right.

They weren't, they were a better idea for like a play than they would be for a standup comedy. Yeah. But when we're coming up, everybody wanted to be on Saturday Night Live because Eddie Murphy was on there. Yeah. Everybody wanted to be on sketch comedy shows because that would lead to these big careers like you know adam sandler and rob schneider and all these people that became like these huge movie stars right so we all like gravitated towards acting and and then there was sitcoms

where rosanne made all this money and then seinfeld made all this money he. It's like, oh, shit, I got to get a sitcom. Yeah. But when I was on that bad sitcom halfway in, I was like, this is not what I wanted to do. Right. I fucked up. I listened to the, I want to do stand up. Yeah. That's what I want to do.

Now, with a guy like you, like, what I want to hear is you talk about everything. I don't want to hear, I mean, I want to hear you doing prepared shit if that's what you want to do. Like, what I would want to hear from you, if I was a producer and I was a network and I was Comedy Central, I would say, Hannibal, listen, fuck all these executives. Fuck all these producers. What do you think is funny? What do you want to do? I want to know.

I don't want a bunch of people filtering the Hannibal vision. Like, when Doug Stanhope and I did did the man show which was a giant mistake one of the big problems with was with that show was like if doug and i had a fucked up idea by the time it would get to it would be all watered down by the time would ever get to the television there's no way you could just have the only way to do that is like the internet the internet is the only way where you could just like if someone was smart they would come along and they would say listen If I was comedy central, I would say animal It's just like we're just gonna give you a bunch of money

And we're just gonna give you a production team and just come up with whatever the fuck you want to come up with I want you to take six months. Just think about what you want to do. Yeah, I know it's gonna be funny I think you're hilarious. I'll take six months come up with whatever the fuck you want to do now let's put this shit online let's do this come on animal and then if they wanted to make a television show out of that i mean that's what happened with ari shafir show yeah yeah you were doing it as the online thing yeah and the online honestly the online's better it's better to get on the online. If you go on the online, it's there always. It's there any minute of any day.

If it's just the TV version of it, once it goes online, then it becomes equal to the online version. But there's no loss in not having the TV version. Because if someone watches Comedy Central during a show when Ari's on, what is Ari's ratings? What does he get, like a million dollars an episode? Or a million people an episode? A million dollars an episode. He'd be very happy. He'd be crazy.

But if he got a million people an episode, like, you could easily, if you had a crazy viral video, like some of Joey Diaz's videos, they probably have close to a million, right? Like, how many of Joey's things on This Is Not Happening have more than a million? Find out what Joey Diaz's stories on This Is Not Happening have more than a million? Find out what Joey Diaz's stories on This Is Not Happening have. I guarantee you they have a million. Yeah, because people, I mean, it's just people can watch it on their phone. They can watch whatever. And they hear it and they tell your friends. Yeah.

Yeah. If you did that and you had a show like that, it was just you. If you really want to do a show, just you doing whatever the fuck you think is funny. Shit would be giant. I'd watch it. I'm going to figure it out. I'd DVR the shit out of that show. I'm going to figure it out.

I've been kind of. What do we got here? It's us. Oh, look. What is this? This is not happening. Joey Diaz, 1,129,487 views. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah.

I mean, that's real numbers, man. I mean, that's the same kind of numbers you get if you have a TV show. It's the same shit. Right? man. We're like, um, maybe a year or two away from the idea of being on a television show, being no different than the idea of being on a YouTube show. Even, I mean,

a lot of these, I'm doing some celebrities react, uh, show on Thursday where they like our viewership is four times the average TV show. Like that's in the email. They talk about their numbers. There's two times the normal. There's four times that.

And they have a crazy subscriber list on YouTube, millions of subscribers. YouTube's where it's at for a lot of things. It's just a matter of time we just uh i mean that's how comedy central now judges the successor that shows not just on the the on on air the initial area they judge it based on the facebook shares the youtube stuff the the snapchat thing and and all of that's that's the it's a combined uh formula that they use to judge the success of a show. It's smart. I mean, that's really the way to think about it because they have to be honest. There's a giant percentage of the people that are going to watch their show on YouTube or any other.

I mean, I don't know how many people watch ComedyCentral.com. Do you know? I would imagine it's not nearly as much as YouTube. But what's amazing about YouTube is there's only one YouTube. Yeah. Like, how is there not a million YouTubes? How is there not a million of these weird websites where you can just upload video anytime you want and watch the craziest shit all day long? I mean, there's LiveLeak, right?

There's, what are the other ones? There's a lot of weird ones that are based on different countries. But they're not popular. Not one, yeah. There's one popular one. If you say I saw... Google bought YouTube. Skynet.

$135 million is all they paid to. That's it? For YouTube? Yeah. That's a good deal. When did they buy it? 2004 or 2005, I think. How much is Kanye's entire sneaker line worth?

If he sold every sneaker is that $100 million? It's worth pretty close to that probably. That's probably pretty close. That's amazing. That's how much they paid for that. For YouTube. YouTube is a monster.

It's somehow or another in this world of the internet where there's Probably like what how many hundreds of millions of websites? I take that I'd recrack that 1.65 billion in stock Oh you son of a bitch That sounded wrong Wrong comma

Jesus Jamie meanwhile here's some perspective the UFC sold for four billion Here's some perspective. The UFC sold for $4 billion. It's more valuable to kick people in the dick and the head and elbow in the face than it is to create YouTube. I looked something up on it the other day. I think that's why the numbers were stuck in my head. At least from what I read, it costs something like $6.7 billion to run YouTube right now. Every year? Every year.

And the revenue they're getting, maybe just from ads, is less than $5 billion. So they're to run YouTube right now. Every year? Every year. And like the revenue they're getting maybe just from ads is like less than 5 billion. So they're taking a loss on it but What? It's just for

they're doing the future bet kind of like it won't be that for 4 or 5 more years. It's just how it has been. Oh, so that's why there's only one YouTube? It's fucking tough

to be YouTube. That makes sense. It's amazing though. I mean that's a if you want to talk about an incredible example of success, like YouTube is the only video upstream place that

everybody, or upload place that everybody recognizes instantly. Yeah. In the sea of the internet. It's a... That's incredible. It's top notch, man. They do some good shit. Do you do ads with them? No.

I mean, they put up ads, but I don't have anything to do with it. We do just ads on this show. And then we upload. The difference between the YouTube version of this show and the podcast version, the podcast version has ads that we read from a promo email thing. And then the YouTube one has no ads. It just goes up and then whatever ads

YouTube ads they add. Okay. I took some of the Onnit. How are you feeling? I don't know. Maybe the whiskey is canceling it out. Or maybe I'm just normal. Nah, I'm feeling a little drunk. I'm feeling, I don't know. You're drunk too. Maybe the whiskey is canceling it out. Or maybe I'm just normal. Nah, I'm feeling a little drunk. I'm good.

Yeah, it's not going to help the drunk too much. Maybe it'll help you formulate sentences. Meanwhile, the word formulate came out very clumsily. Formulate. You ever been to Israel? No. Have you? No.

I got offered a gig in Israel. Don't go. In June. Why not? I'm reactionary. I don't know. You should go. I took it.

You're sure? You took it? I took the gig. When is it for? It was supposed to be in June. Supposed to be. Spoiler alert. Yeah.

I unearthed the lead. But still an interesting story. I unearthed the lead But Still an interesting story So I took this gig in Israel In Tel Aviv Only because My ex-girlfriend

Is Israeli Is Israeli Oh my god And so I'm thinking Did she ever fuck you With a machine gun in your mouth No She's not real

What the And so She's Israeli real What the And so She's Israeli And I'm thinking Hey maybe she wanna Come on this trip with me You know what I mean I'll take this

I'll take this gig Over here And uh Woo And then I took the gig Turns out she was mad Cause she was like You didn't go to Tel Aviv

With me when we were together So now I got this gig In Tel aviv that's not even routed with anything else and then i started getting these uh tweets when people why are you going to tel aviv do you know what they're doing to the palestinian people you are supporting genocide i'm. I was just trying to get back on my ex-girlfriend Like you are supporting hate Supporting this Zionist. I mean, I didn't know I just heard he was dope beaches So I was getting all these anyway, why would you do? Join these other artists that are boycotting Israel.

Is that common? Boy, I think it was like Talib. I think it was a bunch of other people that won't tour. Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice. Craig Zappa. Craig Mack.

Yeah, Craig Mack. Ellen DeGeneres. G-Dep. Lil Wayne. A lot of people. Bette Midler won't go over there. Oh, my God. But yeah, so it was just funny getting all of these angry political tweets. I'm like, okay, that is fucked up.

What's going on over there? But that's not, can I be sympathetic and also maybe do this gig? I ended up canceling the gig, but not because of the tweets and the anger. It was just because I booked a movie that conflicted with it. The movie was more important than the motherland. But let me ask you this. Honestly, if the girl was going to go with you, you knew you were going to get your freak on,

would you have taken the gig over the movie or would you have broken her heart and not taken her back to the motherland? I would have taken her back another time. Another time. Good move. A gentleman. See? Not, it's over, bitch. Sorry. You missed it. I'm on Fast and the Furious 56.

If I was a girl, I'd be so pissed if a dude broke my crazy trip to Israel for Fast and the Furious 56. To do three lines in it. Fuck you and fuck Vin Diesel. Fuck you. You get run over by a charger.

That's a good move, though. Take her another time. Yeah, I mean, we'll see. But did you guys communicate afterwards? Did you settle down the issue that you never took her to Israel while you guys were together? I don't think we settled.

I don't think that. There's some issues you can't settle down and you just work on what you can work on. Again, let me bring this up. Recreational outrage. And let me pose a scenario, okay? Okay. Here's a scenario. You two are living in a cave, okay?

And a bear just ate her sister. And you guys saw it. And you escaped and you fought off the bear's friends with a spear and you made it to the top of the cave. We're living 500,000 years ago, Hannibal. 500,000 years. And the bear's friends are other bears?

Other bears. Why did you just say other bears instead of the bear's friends? I don't know. Because it made it sound like, when you said the bear's friends, it made it sound like it could be like a giraffe or like some other animals. That's a good point. There's other bears. I don't think bear's a friend with anything they can eat. Because it made it sound like, when you said the bear's friends, it made it sound like it could be like a giraffe or like some other animals. That's a good point. There's other bears. I don't think bear's a friend

with anything they can eat. But yeah. But I just assumed. Bear's friends, it's other bears. It's another. I'm so sorry. You make a really good point.

So, managing to save this girl from being predated upon by these monsters, these giant monsters. You fight them off and you get her up to a top cave. You carry her over your shoulders. Right, right. By these monsters, these giant monsters. You fight them off. And you get her up to a top cave.

You carry her over your shoulders. Yeah, yeah. You lay her down on the skins. We're both unscathed. Yes, unscathed. But her sister's dead. Yeah. And you lay her down on the skins of a bear that you've also killed yourself with a fucking spear. In a separate situation.

In a separate situation. So this is all clean and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She's not going to complain about you not taking her to the motherland to israel right when you guys were dating she's not gonna give a fuck right because the stakes are much higher this is just you you're a hero you've saved her physical entity you've saved her soul from passing on to the next generation of doubt this beyond land where no one knows what

the fuck is really going on you get glimpses if you take mushrooms you stick your head and you pop it back and you're never really quite sure whether or not what you saw what whatever you saw was real right then you would fuck her on that fucking rug but meanwhile i don't think i fuck because she's a sister just died yeah you would you'd fuck her you'd be happy she'd be happy for saving her life and yeah maybe not her sister how about her cousin how about her cousin who's kind of cunty yeah her cousin who was fat and big and she had giant ankles and she hated her her whole life because she had shitty genetics she got pink hair she likes to bully small boys how about that girl maybe i mean

you know you'd have to ask her can you imagine if that was the case in the in the cave people community there was this one girl who's like a cock blocker she had rules she's like i can't fuck you because my friends don't we all have a role. When we go back to a room, we just can't do it. You can't fuck a guy. Not on the first date. Not on the first date. Only after he's built at least seven fires for you. Yeah.

So sad. So sad people not being able to be themselves. Because they met so many people along the way that weren't themselves. And they're like, God damn it, I can't show you yet. Yeah. I can't take off my kabuki mask and show you the soul of the eternal self yeah yeah i don't know i do i sometimes i i uh this uh there was this waitress at the uh uh i was staying at the vidara and i have a smoking joint this restaurant this is a good store, I can tell.

And she was beautiful. And I was hanging out with my friend there in Vegas. She's cool where, you know, I can openly talk about other women with her. She was like, yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah, she's beautiful. And this waitress, she was so... A.K.A. lesbian. I don't know if that's the word. But this waitress was so beautiful.

You ever meet a waitress... I feel like she'd be playing like the Superfly soundtrack. Put that out. You ever meet a waitress where you say, you shouldn't be a waitress. It wasn't about her looks. She just had a sort of composure to her, just kind of restrained. She was beautiful, but still just super.

She doesn't know yet that people will look at you weird if you're a waitress. That's what it is. She's a young person who doesn't understand. And if she's lucky, she meets a guy like Hannibal Buress who doesn't judge her for the fact that she's a young person Doesn't understand And if she's lucky She meets a guy Like Hannibal Buress Dude Who doesn't judge her For the fact that she's a actress Yo

I When she brought me to Bill I wanted to say Let's get out of here I wanted to say What are your dreams And how can I help with them Wow

Did you say it No I didn't say that Cause I can't say it You know why Cause we don't hang out enough If I was right next to you I'd be like Dude

It was daytime Let this shit go Who gives a fuck Who gives a fuck You know why I didn't say that? Why? Because we don't hang out enough. If I was right next to you, I'd be like, dude, listen to me. Let this shit go. Who gives a fuck? It was, yeah. Who gives a fuck? Do you miss her? I don't miss her, no. Do you know where she is?

I know she's in Vegas. How long ago was this? This was yesterday. You should go back. This was yesterday in Vegas. Our work here is done. You should go back. This was yesterday in Vegas. Our work here is done. You should fly back. But you know why I didn't?

Because she knew who I was. And you know what? I didn't want her having to sit with my weird energy for the rest. She had to work her shift after my weird, intense energy on her. So I didn't want to leave that stink on her for the rest of the day. Also, that might be me overestimating my effect on people. But you know what I mean?

That's very honest of you. Yeah. Because she don't need that. Right. That's really honest. Again, kudos. A+. A-plus for handling that weirdness. What do you do? I mean, maybe she wasn't into you at all. She might not have been into me. She just thought you were really funny. Yeah, which is the case most of the time.

A lot of the time. A lot of the time. Women are just fans. They don't want nothing else besides that. And that's a fine, too. Right? I get sometimes girls hop in a DM on Instagram. And they'll say, hey, you want to meet up?

Have a drink? And I'll just, sometimes, depending on my mood my mood I say you trying to get the pipe just to see what the tone is you know because that's what uh that's a that's a reference to uh J.R. Smith for basketball like some girl posted up. Is that what he said? Yeah. Some girl posted up his DMs. So I'll say that sometimes. Oh, he's a man amongst men.

How about him for president? Run, sir. Run. But I'll just say that sometimes because also I don't want. It's funny. I think that's. Also, I think it's whack for a girl to just come in my DM. Yeah, that's.

Oh, my God. That's's brilliant So I stole that from him Oh really Oh really what You trying to get the pipe Holy shit And that girl blew him up I'm going to your game tonight Dope

Smiley face I'm a hoe Look how weird is it You can see him But her face is blurred out We should all be able to Like see Both parties If you want to put this up You can't hide the darkness but her face is blurred out. We should all be able to see both parties.

If you want to put this up, you can't hide the darkness. We should be able to know who you are, too. That's a weird thing to do. But, yeah, so I'd like to set the tone sometimes just to see. I like that word, too, pipe. Also, because girls hit me regular style and just say, hey, you want to grab drinks what you just hit me up the same way you talk to your friend hey you want to grab drinks oh there

she is say something better to me i'm a famous comedian say something clever do something send a pic of your pussy or some titties or something jesus don't just say you want to grab drinks like this is uh this is not a This is not a normal situation. If it was normal, you wouldn't be hitting me like this. So say something better. I see your point, but let's think about their point. I know what their point is. They want to play casual.

They want to play cool. They want to keep something in you and keep it subtle. And I get that. And sometimes I play along with that shit too and say, sure, let's grab a drink. Let's grab a drink. And I'll go through it with it and then with everything goes down right i wanted to go down but sometimes i'm like i just want to hear you say it i want to see you say it right i i hear what you're saying you're saying that you have sexual attraction to them and you want to be sure if this

shit goes any further that this isn't just some weird celebrity thing. Which it ends up being because sometimes they'll be like, no, I don't want to fuck. I just want to hang out with one of the funniest guys around. Well, you know what? I'm only in this town for a night. I don't want to have drinks with a fan,

just casual platonic-ass drinks. I think you should value my time more than that. Or here's the other possible point of view. They don't understand why they're even attracted to you. They just know they are. Yeah.

They know that there's some funny going on. They know that you're hilarious. They know that you're smart as fuck. They're drawn to you. They're confused.

They can't believe they're in contact with a celebrity. Well, they're not necessarily famous comedian. I have to accept it to you. I know, but they're in contact with you. they're in contact with a celebrity. Well, they're not necessarily. I have to accept the DM. I know.

But they're in contact with you. They're in contact. It's weird. But see, a lot of times, and it's something that I've accepted, that sometimes they just want to hang out for the fucking brag. This one chick. I think. Yo, in Athens, Georgia, I use date naps sometimes.

And I use Bumble. Bumble. What is your profile so we can get you laid? It's just, I deleted it actually recently. Oh, girls. Just because I was like, what am I? Settle down, girls. I deleted it because I was like, this is too much.

There's too much going on. So this chick in Athens. Athens, Georgia. Athens, Georgia. Just come through the room. I think that's where Forrest Griffin's from. She come through the room about, I never met her. She come through the hotel, like four, we go over to the hotel bar, grab a beer, come right to the room.

It's kind of stiff and awkward, but she's kind of there for it. And end up having it. We have sex. And it's pretty quick she's about to leave the room and i see you later i got like towel around my waist she's like uh can we take a picture real quick like no wow not getting a fucking post-sex selfie with me? Post-groovy sex selfie? What world do you live in? You just fucking take this story with you and get out of here.

Wow. You're not getting a selfie. But I make bad decisions all the time. I feel like we should have a commercial break. I don't know how to do one yet We can't splice in commercials You know I think

It's hard being a groupie Just like it's hard being Hannibal Buress It's hard It's hard being a person It's hard being a person Navigating these waters It's weird waters for everybody. And I get the energy is bad.

Not bad, but just it's a different thing. You know what's weird, man? Here's what's weird. People don't even know why they're attracted to certain people. They don't understand it. You know, and they try to quantify it. I think, you know, there's some people that are attracted to people in weird ways. They almost want to test the waters. I want to meet you, Hannibal. I don't think it's even, I don't think it's some people that are attracted to people in weird ways. They almost want to test the waters.

I want to meet you, Hannibal. I don't think it's attractive. I think it's straight up. Sometimes it's attractive, and then sometimes it's just straight up your personal television, your personal stage. It could be that. But a lot of them are really young. If a person's 24 years old, how much do they really understand completely about their motivations right you know or what once one's 22 what you're doing a lot of times is almost like on instinct and then you're sort of

self correcting as you go along you know yeah does that make any sense? You just do. I mean, I still occasionally make decisions. What the? Yeah, of course. Why did I let that person in my apartment? You drink. I should have gotten a hotel room instead of drinking.

Drinking. God damn it. We're drunk right now. I'm going to say I'm drunk yet. We're buzzed. These are big-ass drinks I poured. This is really not smart. Put this on the internet. Yeah, we're about to get memed up, man.

Memed up and clipped up. I trust you. They're going to clip it up. We can handle this together. We're going to be pilot and co-pilot. Misogynist, comedian Hannibal Buress. You know what you are, dude We're going to be pilot and co-pilot. Misogynist, comedian, Hannibal Buress. You know what you are, dude? You're unfiltered.

And everybody wants to be unfiltered, but nobody wants unfiltered. Yeah. It's not nobody wants unfiltered, but there's a lot of people that don't want unfiltered, and they want you to think that nobody wants unfiltered. Yeah. Like, you're not saying anything that I wouldn't expect you to say if we were alone and the microphones were off. Right.

If you and I were hanging out at the comedy store, we'd have the same conversation. I'd be laughing the exact same way. Actually, we wouldn't because there'd be a bunch of other comedians ear hustling. You don't trust them, but you'll tell it online. Well, you know what it is? It's not. It's not. I'm more like this.

It does seem it seems even though obviously it's way more people listening and watching, but it's more about the visual of other people. Like, you know, you having a conversation with somebody and then, but you feel other people that's not part of the conversation. Yeah. Well, that feels more unnatural to me than doing this. You know what I'm saying? I agree a thousand percent. Yeah. And it probably doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense at all. It doesn't make any sense at all. It doesn't make any sense at all. That's why it's like, I think like it's not their fault. If someone's hanging around us, there's been situations like that before where someone is like weaseled into a conversation between me or you or me. It was me and Diaz and some other dude the other night. And this guy came up to us and just sandwiched his way into a conversation in the kitchen.

I'm like, how'd you get back here? Like, why, come on, man. But part of me, part of me thinks, like, if I was that guy, how would I do it? Like, what do you do? If you walk up, you know, you're at the comedy store, you're supposed to go left to take a leak, and you go right, and you're at the comedy store you're supposed to go left

to take a leak and you go right and you're into the kitchen and Joey Diaz is talking to Ari Shafir and Hannibal and you guys are all hanging out

and hilarious fucking stories are being told and you just want to stand there and stare yeah you wanna I mean you wanna

listen to it I would do it right now I would do it right now. I would do it right now. If those guys hated me, if for some reason those guys wouldn't be my friends anymore, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I did, but damn, I got to find a hole in this vent so I could listen in on them and talk. Dude, and one of the weirdest interactions I had with a fan, which I have a lot because I go out a lot and go drinking, And so I'm super exposed all the time.

But I was in Chattanooga last year. We played this venue. And we go out afterwards, me, Al Jackson, my boy Marcus, a couple girls we met, and we go to this bar. Nice bar. Not that many people there, maybe 12, 15 people in the whole bar. It's big. There's pool tables over on this side.

Bar is here. They had these wings. They had these smoked wings that I was eating. Maybe the best wings I've had. Ever? Top five. Ever? I'm crushing them it was a spiritual experience what's so good about them they just were well made they were grilled they

were cooked well i wish i remember the name of this but it was the wings were so good grilled i'm just killing these wings marinated just in the zone maybe marinated had good sauce hot you like spicy i do like spicy. Me too. But I'm destroying these wings. I'm in the zone. It's like, if it was NBA Jam, I was on fire. And then this dude comes up, man. Hey, I was at the show.

Can I take a picture with you? I said, yeah, man. I'm eating wings, right? I'm eating right now. Just give me a few minutes. I'm happy to take a picture. He's like, come on, man. Let me take a picture. I was at the show. Man, I'm eating wings right now. Let's give me a few minutes. I'm happy to take a picture. He's like, come on, man, let me take a picture. I was just telling him, man, I'm eating right now.

Let me just finish eating. And he said, would you rather me take a wing or take a picture? And I said, I'd rather you get the fuck out of my face right now. I told you. Because it wasn't a crowded bar. It wasn't like a meet and greet I told him I was happy to take a picture

with him afterwards just let me finish I had sauce all over my hands and shit give it a few minutes give me a few minutes he acts cool

he acts cool and reasonable about it and shit but you know literally I know he's doing a bunch about it so on the other side

of the bar it's another bigger space where the bathroom is. So I go to the bathroom and I step out. Coincidentally, who's at the bathroom? Oh, no. He don't say nothing. I walk past him. And then it's a long space before you get to the entrance to the bar again. And I get there.

He's standing by the bathroom door. He yells, Thought you were cool, Hannibal. Thought you were cool. You act like an asshole. I paid $25 for your show. You acting like you're Dave Chappelle or some shit. Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart.

And how many days span between stories? They're far apart from each other, but it's a go-to when people want to try to diss you and try to bring up a bigger community. If I was Dave, I'd be pissed right now. You think you're Dave. Pack up the old stories. Me, motherfucker. Right, right. Basically, he's saying, hey, if Dave Chappelle

was mean to me when I kept bothering him while he was eating, I'd get it, but you, you have to give me your time. Oh my God, that's hilarious. You think you're Dave Chappelle? I was i was like fuck you you paid for a show you didn't pay for a fucking meet and greet i told you i take the fucking picture with you after i was done eating and you kept pressing me and so he bitched about the 25 or whatever now i'm like sitting stewing man about i'm at the bar like this motherfucker i told him i'll take a picture with this bar

and even crowd it it would have been easy to take a picture with him if he just fucking relaxed and then I fucking take $25 out of my pocket I ball it up he's over at the pool table

I walk up and I throw it at him like take your money back if that's what you wanted and then he throws it back at me and I ball it up hit him in the face with it. Oh, my goodness.

And then they were ready to fight. And I was ready to fight the dude, but then his friend. If I was there while this was all going on, I'd be like, where's the exit? Okay, who's wearing clothes where I can't tell if they have a gun? And then his friend. Fuck is going on? Then his friend. I was ready to punch the dude, actually.

And then his friend pulled out a camera phone like, oh, your publicist is going to love this and I'm like, I guess we're not fighting it. Wow, you're ready to fight.

I was ready to fight. It wasn't about the 25 bucks. It wasn't about the 25 bucks. It was about, It was about the words? About just talking shit and just acting like I wasn't, I was being totally chill

and saying, hey, I will, let me finish, let me finish eating, fucking wipe my hands. I'm happy to take a picture with you. And he kept pressing me and then he popped off afterwards after I thought we settled it.

Yeah. I know what you mean, man. From someone who's been interrupted while you're eating, it is annoying. But I've always tried to try to figure out like, okay, what is, what's the difference between how weird it is for me to be eating for someone to come up to me i've gotten better at that too yeah over time where i put myself it's weird in the spot and i and i'm nice and i remember and i remember what it is to them for them to to ask for that yeah listen man i got a man crush on anthony bourdain and every time i hang around

with him i feel goofy this is just a fact yeah I just like him I like I think I like the way he thinks I like his balls the guy takes up jujitsu when he's 58 years old yeah you know and uh like I think in in certain situations you have to understand like the way you feel around someone is affected by your respect for them, and sometimes it gets weird. Right. Like, if a dude comes up to you, he's like, hey, Hannibal,

think I got a picture? And you're like, I'm eating right now, man. Relax. And they don't even know what the fuck they're saying. You know, like, if I'm a Hannibal fan, and I walk up, and you got a mouthful of wings,

I'm like, just real quick, let's take this picture, I'll get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe I took this chance but I was like I told him yeah I mean

but I get that side of it and that's why I wish I didn't react like that and I wish I kept it chill and what I do more often

now but it's just I don't know that's a good what you just said is beautiful I do more often now so you're thinking about it I think about I'm aware of it when people come up to me and just I don't know. That's good. What you just said is beautiful. I do more often now.

So you're thinking about it. I think about it. I'm aware of it when people come up to me and I just remember what it is, that it is a privilege that they support my work and try to just give them that moment. But even still, sometimes motherfuckers are genuinely rude yep and sometimes people can be entitled and sometimes people uh don't care if you're talking to three women they will that's true they will bust that shit up you're right i mean it's one of the things about life you never know who you're gonna run into you can run into someone that's just goofy yeah but now it's uh

it's it's interesting it's just an interesting lens man it's a it's an interesting lens not just for you um but also for for me to look through what you're talking about, but for other people, too, as well. You know, I think we're all doing this weird thing, man. We're all just surviving in this strange life that's temporary. If we're lucky, we get 100 years. If you're lucky, but the last few years... That's super lucky. That's super lucky.

Super lucky. For the last few years, you're just hanging on. Yeah. Just hanging on, just waiting to get weary enough so you let go and slip into the abyss. Yeah. I try to keep the perspective, especially in this business where this is a limited moment. This is a limited time. But it's not

I hate when people like you say that I think I was talking about this last time You're funny as fuck dude You're not going anywhere You know what pisses me off? Jim Norton if you listen to me you cunt Stop telling me You're worried about the future

Stop it you're fucking awesome I hate when awesome people don't know they're awesome. You know? Relax, bitch. But even... Jim Norton, you're fucking amazing. It's hilarious. You don't have a goddamn thing to worry about.

There's going to be people going to see Jim Norton for the end of time. And I'm one of them. I feel the same way about you. I don't know. I mean, I just... I think seven years, seven more years. Hotels. Got hotels on the brain.

Seven more years. Stocks. You know what? You do stocks at all? A little bit? I do really intelligent Jewish gentlemen who handle your money. Because you're too fucking stupid to do it. That's what I do.

I, uh... Big fan of the Jews. They had put some, those people, the money people, they had put a lot of my money in mutual funds. And I looked at what a mutual fund is where other people buying stocks. I don't like that. Cash out my mutual funds and I want where other people buying stocks. I don't like that. Cash out my mutual funds

and I want to pick my own stocks. Well, if you're really into owning hotels and picking stocks, I understand. Me,

I'm not into that. You know a company I like? It's this company called Catapult Sports. They do wearable GPS technology who the Golden State Warriors use them some other pro teams use them like what are you wearing like a vest or it's like for practice in different training they detract athletes performance how crazy is that they track, how crazy is that?

They're tracking people from a satellite, how fast they're moving? Just different, I mean, I can't get into the super specifics of it. Mark Cuban invested in them

2014. I, I found them on accident when I was looking up, I was looking up some pharmaceutical company called Catalyst and I,

for some reason, my brain put Catapult then i found this company started looking it up you found them by accident i found them on accident started looking it up and i uh i invested in them kind of heavily that's a very good you got super super fortunate that's like a crazy typo but uh yeah it and i it was recent it's about two months ago and anytime i call my stock guy i keep up in my position in him and i'll call him and say hey put uh give me $25,000 more on Catapult. And then he'll be like, hey, well, give me a call real quick. You can't just text him. No, he just wants to talk me through it.

Like, yeah, you sure? You got a lot in Catapult already. Plus one. You sure you want to do Catapult? Catapult on one individual type. What about that other stock I told you about? You sure? That stock is doing way better now.

I'm like, hey, let's just do. I like Catapult, man. Dude, you just blew Catapult the fuck up. I like what you just did. I think it's a solid. I mean, but I wouldn't. I've told friends about it. They like it, too.

It's still early in the company. And they got offices in the States, too. They're based in Australia. If I don't know what the fuck it is, explain it to me. What does it mean? Wearable GPS technology. Now, if I'm an idiot and I'm hearing that, I'm going, okay, so you're using a satellite to track the movement of people on Earth.

They're tracking the performance. Like heart rate, workload, steps. Speed. It's all done through, like, what, an ankle bracelet? Like, what do you put on them? I think the chest. How do you know what the exertion is? Is it a vest?

Oh, it's a vest. Is it? Okay. There's a little picture of it right here. Oh, this guy. Oh, that's what you were showing me earlier? Yeah. Oh, that's different. Okay, that makes sense.

This dude just got like a chest harness, which I'm sure could measure, I don't know, like energy? What would it measure? How does something on your chest measure what you're doing with your legs? Like how do those iPhone apps measure your strides and how many steps you take in miles? They can do it off of like, it's not easy math, but they can tell how far, like if you're six foot, they know how long the bounce and the height. Oh, you enter your height. Whatever it's called, the little cyclometer. I'm not thinking of the right word.

So it's not necessarily tracking you through GPS. This one might be. I don't know. This one is, right? Isn't that the premise behind this one? Do you know how they do it in the UFC where they're tracking how many feet they're running around the octagon? Dude, that's a good question. They don't have a GPS shit on them.

They're probably following them with like a tracer. Maybe a dude, it's his job to follow each person. I mean, I would do that. But you know what, man? That statistic is interesting. And I support the chasing of the data. Try to figure out how much someone amuses. But it's not that important.

It's not that important. It's weird. It's getting super specific. Because it doesn't necessarily it's a statistic it's interesting, shouldn't dwell on it so these dudes that are playing soccer, they monitor all that too?

how much each team runs and all that shit in football they just recently the last couple years stopped hitting in practice more because they found out about concussions and what not but it's also added technology when I was at Cowboys training camp last week, there was a guy telling me they brought in practice. More because they found out about concussions and whatnot, but it's also added technology. When I was at Cowboys training camp last week, there was a guy telling me they brought in 8K cameras for when Tony Romo was hurt

so he could sit in a truck in the back of practice and watch real-time football practice with a headset on, like VR stuff. Oh, wow. And so he could see the real speed. He could see everything that was going on. That's insane. And still give advice on what was going on.

He was hurt for the last eight weeks or whatever the year. And they don't have it all the time because it's really expensive to run right now still. But they still had 360 cameras running around following the players. Lots of crazy stuff. Shout out to the dude from the Dallas Cowboys. What's his name? Charles that drives the Hall of Fame truck. Charles, he hooked it up.

He gave me a card to give to Jamie. He's like, I know Jamie's a football fan. Let's make it happen. Gridiron. They're doing that for the UFC too. They're just trying different things out. 360 video. There's new technology.

Dude, there's going to be virtual reality where you're going to be able to be Nick Diaz as he fights against Conor McGregor. You're going to be able to look through each fighter's eyes. They're going to figure out a way to do it. Imagine. Just a little chip. What chip you got, Jamie?

I got the S18. Oh, man. You should have waited for the 19. I know, I know, but I'm pretty happy with the 18. I mean, it doesn't take as much battery life. I got 360 degree capability. It's just low resolution. It's good. We're good.

That video game was pretty intense. The new UFC game on PSA. And I know it sounds like I'm plugging, but it... No, it was cool. We were yelling. Me and my friend were like, ah! It was that intense because it was parts where you're almost about to knock the guy out. It's a good game.

It's a very good game i had i had fun so i i i can attest to it because uh i had to do the commentary for that game like the when you hear that ea sports game that's not commentary from actual fights right that's commentary just me doing pretend and goldberg doing pretend and dude we did a fuckload of hours I mean, it was hours and hours and hours and hours. And it was over a long, and I'm not complaining. I'm just saying. You have to say so much stuff. And there's me, man.

They even scanned me and they put me in the game. Oh, rolling on the game. Yeah, I'm in the game. You have to have a specific. Secret unlockable. I got to have a code? Yeah, like the Konami code. Uh-oh. I did this so I got to have a code? Yeah, like the Konami code. Uh-oh.

I did this so I can get out of doing more commentary. Because there was so much to do. Damn, I wish I looked that good. There was so much to do. Oh, that's dope, man. It was a constant grind. But I put my full effort into it. I really wanted it to be good.

I was thinking if I was a kid and I was playing this game, I would want it to sound like a guy really got head kicked. Dude, it's intense, man. I hear it is, man. It was fun. I don't want to see me get beat the fuck up. Just Jamie. Jamie's showing a video of me about to get my ass kicked by Nick Diaz.

You get destroyed really fast? I would imagine if the game's realistic. Pull it up. I would imagine I get fucked up. The people want to see it. But they might have you since you're a secret character. They might have you... I got some bullshit skills.

They might have you juiced up. It doesn't matter. I got some bullshit skills. Let's hear my... Because, you know, I'm super casual fan. So my commentary... No, Rogan with the leg kicks. I got some bullshit skills. Let's hear mine because, you know, I'm a super casual fan. So my commentary. Oh, Rogan with the leg kicks. I've never heard this before.

Oh, Rogan with the leg kicks. Rogan got kicked in the face. Oh, oh, Rogan with the kicks. Diaz is backing up. Rogan missed. Uh-oh. Rogan kicked in the chest. Tattoos accurate.

Look at that. Holy shit. Uh-oh. Oh Oh Rogan's not caring about the height disadvantage. Oh, oh, oh, oh Rogan's in danger Let's see what Rogan's ground game is like not good Diaz is about to punch Rogan in the face. Uh-oh. Dog shit off my back. Will Rogan be able to pull off a submission from this position? Uh-oh, Rogan is it?

Oh, Rogan with the turnaround! It's called a sweep. Full mount, full mount. I let him up. Wow. Rogan back up. Uh-oh. Ooh. This should be illegal. Oh, dang.

Rogan. Should be illegal to watch two people fake fight when you know one dude would beat the fuck out of me. Uh-oh. You know what I said? Me. So as to not leave any confusion. Oh. This is so stupid. Oh, a wheel kicked him.

Oh, he's about to finish him. Oh, jeez. Oh, shit. Stop it. He's out. Oh, shit. Ew, wait. Why did they let me punch him in the head when he was unconscious?

Why don't they stop the fight quicker than that? The fake me, rather, and the fake him. How'd that feel? It was weird. It felt weird. You know what bothered me the most? The last two punches. Because it wasn't...

He was already unconscious. The fake him, obviously. That was a good kick. Oh. Did you know how hard Nick Diaz would fuck me up? Like, this is an embarrassment to humanity. This is allowed to be a visual image of me beating Nick Diaz's ass.

I've dunked on LeBron James before, dude. Enjoy that shit, man. That's what, that's what, that's what, it's an escape. This is what I want to see. I want to see Nick Diaz versus Conor McGregor. That's what I want to see. I want to see that more than I want to see anything in life. I wish I had something to say about that.

I want to see more than I want to see the Aurora Borealis. More than I want to go to the Keck Observatory in Hawaii and revisit the Milky Way. More than I want to see any of those things. I want to see Nick Diaz versus Conor McGregor. Yeah. Nick Diaz. Conor McGregor had a cool, his little walk around the ring as he got in. It was awesome.

He was awesome. He walked around so much. The way he walked around when he got in the ring, I didn't think he was going to get punched in the face as much as he did. I mean, he still won, but that was a cocky entrance. I was like, oh, he about the first round knockout, this motherfucker, the way he just came in here. Well, I mean, what he's trying to do is just like shake it off, put an air out there. But at the end of the day, he's fighting Nate Diaz. No one's getting no first round knockout.

This is going to be a crazy war. He knew it. He had to be conservative in that fight. The energy was so crazy. Oh, my God, it was insane. It was so, it was, I was so glad. Like nothing ever, right? It was so, I'm so glad I went to see it live.

Oh, man. So he. Me too. So I'm a, as I said, I'm a casual fan. So there's a couple times where Conor knocked him to the ground. Conor doesn't want to do ground game with him at all. Because he would knock him to the ground, and then he would tell him to come up. Where I would think, normally for my lack, not that much MMA knowledge,

I would think once you knock somebody to the ground, you try to go in with those hammer fists or whatever. You could. You could. However, if you do that with a guy like nate diaz he might not be hurt at all right especially when you consider the fact that he connor threw a bunch of like really powerful left leg kicks and he had fucked up nate's right leg because because of the fact they're both southpaw what what happens is like that back leg

becomes the front leg so the right leg is in front right and he's just getting chewed up with this left power leg kick right from the beginning like over and over and over and over again when you get hit with a bunch of like really powerful leg kicks like that it makes it super difficult for you to move right you know and then connor just fought a smooth smart game plan you know he um he engaged from the outside where his speed was an advantage and did some damage, but didn't unload himself like he did in the first fight. In the first fight, he did that too, but then he unloaded himself. And Nate survived.

And when he survived, Conor's gas tank was empty. So this time, Conor was way more conservative. Yeah, I'll say he would run away a little. But he would run back to... He would run away. No, you could say it. He would run away. He ran away.

But when he was on the cage, when he'd get close to the cage, he would run it and make it more into the center. And man, it's okay. You know, people are mad that he ran away. How can you win

when you move away? Because sometimes you take a break. Sometimes you take a break. He knows there's three moments in the round. He knows there's three more minutes in the round. He knows there's, I mean, I don't know when it was. There was a couple moments in time where he totally turned away from him. But then he engaged.

Yeah, it wasn't like he was running the whole thing. He was just, when he found himself in a compromising position, he would get out of it. It's interesting. It's an interesting thing to do. A guy's trying to kick your ass. You're like, I'm going to go over here for a minute. Yeah.

It's something funny about it, you know? It seems like a good move. It's the right move. When you don't feel like you can fight right now, what do you want to do? Stand in there like a man and take it on the chin, pussy. Come on, pussy. Get in there. If you don't feel like you can breathe,

maybe you should move away and breathe. Otherwise, some dude could punch you in the body and you can go down. It's not a smart move to stand in there if you feel tired. How many fights do you think happened amongst the audience? Audience members?

Way less than you would think. I saw this girl, she was fighting her boyfriend or something. I don't even know if it was her boyfriend, but she was choking him and she was going crazy.

And she had walked away and she came back to him. And then she was blonde and sort of looked lightly like Ronda Rousey. I posted it on Snapchat, like, Ronda Rousey out here tripping.

And then some MMA Twitter posted, apparently Ronda Rousey is at that. I'm like, no, don't you, it's not. Ronda Rousey wouldn't be running crazy. Because it's a video of, you don't really see the face, but you see security chasing some blonde woman. That is so stupid. Apparently Hannibal spotted Ronda Rousey.

Apparently he's the only one that spotted her. Nobody else took. That's hilarious. Yeah. That is so stupid. It was a good time, man. Meanwhile, she's like one of the last women that you would ever want to fight at a gas station. You know?

Like Ronda Rousey. She would throw you in your fucking head on the concrete. It's terrifying to have women like that out there. They could just beat your ass, Hannibal. I don't like it. Whenever I'm at the UFC

and somebody gets kicked in the face, I just think about how disappointed I'd be if I got kicked in the face. What did I do with my life? Why is somebody kicking me in the face? You've never been kicked in the face ever? Never just been kicked in the face. Especially, like, that's why I'm glad I didn't fight that guy.

And I'm glad I don't, you know, put myself in a situation where I got to fight a stranger. Because you never know. If I was to be fighting, I'm trying to throw hands poorly. But if somebody just kicked me in the face, I'm like, oh, I didn't know you were going to do that. This Donald Cerrone combination, god damn, that's beautiful. Left, right, left, high kick. Boom. Yeah, and he just turned his back.

That is Matrix shit. Donald Cerrone lives in the fucking Matrix. Right now at 170. He's coming on the podcast next week, Jamie. He's here on next Tuesday. I'm going to fucking convince him live on the internet. Don't drop down from 170. And 170 is a fucking wizard.

Who the hell is stopping Rick's story like this? Oh, man. Donald Cerrone is a fucking wizard. Who the hell's stopping Rick's story like this? Oh, man. Donald Cerrone's a fucking wizard. He's a wizard at 170. It felt kind of barbaric or archaic, but when you have money on somebody and they're beating the shit out of somebody else and you're winning, it's a different

type of emotion when Cerrone started fucking that dude up I stood up like you were in there with him I was in there with him for a fucking couple thousand dollars hell yeah I was with him I was in there for fucking

I appreciate your loyalty first of all to both Onnit and Donald Cerrone. And then Johnson. I bet on Johnson right before the fight started. I bet on him. What were the odds? He was minus 250. That's pretty reasonable considering how hard he hits. And he won it so fast, so I bet on him.

Someone told me, I have to research it. Please do. Was that the fastest knockout in the history of the light heavyweight division? I think it was close. It was. 13 seconds or something like that? It took me longer to place my bet. Dude, he hits so hard.

Dude, that happened so fast. I was like, what? He hits so hard. It happened so quick. When Glover started pressuring him, like when I score a fight or rather commentate a fight, when I watch something like that, I'm like,

okay, what can Glover do and what can Rumble do? We know Rumble has awesome stand-up skills. We know he had a college wrestling background. We know he's really powerful. And he's probably the hardest hitter ever. So what can Glover do? He's really technical. and he's probably the hardest hitter ever. So what can Glover do? He's really technical. He can survive a storm.

Maybe he could take him down. Maybe he can get him into deep water. So he starts out super aggressive, bobbing and weaving Tyson style, and one haymaker, one haymaker uppercut. So third one. Ryan Jimmo, wow, seven seconds. God damn, Ryan Jimmo. Rest in peace, Ryan Jimmo. Wow, seven seconds. God damn, Ryan Jimmo. Rest in peace, Ryan Jimmo.

He just died recently. Run over by a car in Canada. James Irvin, the Sandman. Eight seconds. Who did he fight? And then Johnson. Rumble Johnson. To gamble on that

and have it happen that fast? that's like fucking craps almost. They should put like a 30-second over-under on some of Rumble's fights. Literally a 30-second. Because he's so scary right now. He's so scary. He hits guys in a totally different way. It's like he knows something that nobody knows about how to hit people. Because this dude, what was that guy's record that he fought?

25 and 4? Houston Alexander. Eight seconds. That's right. What was the guy Johnson fought's record? Was it 25? He was an elite fighter. Oh, Glover is beyond elite.

Glover's fought for the title. He had a five-round fight with Jon Jones, fought for the title. He had a five round fight with Jon Jones went to the distance. He's one of the best fighters in the world. Glover's excellent. And that's crazy that he got that in 13 seconds. You know what it is, man?

The human frame like the skull the brain, the neck can only take so much. It neck can only take so much. It just can only take so much. And most people can't hit that bell. You know that bell when you go to the carnival and you slam down on that bell and the little thing goes up and ding. Yeah.

Most people can't make that thing ding in this world. But Rumble Johnson, he can make that thing ding every time with his opening barrage. Yeah. With his first, you know, name the number, 200 punches and kicks, whatever it is. He can knock you the fuck out. The question with a guy like that is, if he gets past that 200 number and the opponent is still there, can he make it through it and that's what happened in the cormier fight it's like rumble hit cormier with everything but the kitchen sink

but cormier is so fucking tough he's so tough from being a world-class olympic wrestler from a guy who competed all over the world he's just got this this's just got this level of toughness that you can't recreate. And he takes a big bomb but figures out how to scramble and survive. Yeah. And so he makes it into... What round did Cormier submit Rumble? See, the thing about a guy like Rumble, though, is you could submit him once, but once he figures out what you did,

and he remembers how much it sucked when you did that to him, can you do it again? And if you can't do it again, what if he can figure out how to keep it standing? Yeah. What if he could figure out how to keep hitting you with those barrages of heavy bones coming flying at you with perfect technique. He hits so fucking hard, man. What? Third round? Well, Cormier took him into deep water, man.

What is... Cormier's such a bad motherfucker. Like, where does that come from? You know how some people just naturally fast? Are you just naturally able to

hit hard as fuck? Do you punch walls sometimes? You can definitely get better. You can get better, but it's also a natural sort of force? This is the reality of it. Totally objectively. Everybody has a ceiling. You can't pass that ceiling. You see certain This is the reality of it, totally objectively.

Everybody has a ceiling. You can't pass that ceiling. You see certain people that have certain frames, like maybe they have really narrow shoulders and really small hands and a really small waist. They can't generate the same kind of power that a guy like Rumble Johnson can. Or there's a lot of other guys, like a guy like Rampage Jackson can. Or a guy like Georgeumble Johnson can. Or there's a lot of other guys. A guy like Rampage Jackson can. Or a guy like George St. Pierre can. There's certain physiques.

Elir Latife, you ever see that guy fight? No. Pull this motherfucker up. I think he's fighting Ryan Bader. I say motherfucker with all due respect, sir. He's just tank of a wrestler. And you look at that guy's frame, and he just bombs on dudes, knocks them unconscious. But you look at that guy's frame and he just bombs on dudes

and knocks them unconscious. But you look at his frame when he's throwing punches and you just go, okay, this is like, there's levels of athletes. Right.

Right? There's levels of wrestlers, there's levels of strikers. And when you see certain dudes, the way they can move their body. Mm-hmm. Like, you ever watch Cirque du Soleil?

Yeah. You've seen it live? Seen it live seven times. Crazy, right? Yeah, it's the craziest, it's amazing. You you feel like how the fuck do they do that with their body right you immediately start feeling inadequate with your body I can't I mean that's why I feel I just I just get inspired by the choreography and I say I need to step my show up I think I want to figure out how to do a handstand with one hand about holding a check above me with one hand. So this is, okay.

This is a tank. Yeah. So he's a light heavyweight or heavyweight? Light heavyweight. 205. Okay. So the point being that a gentleman like this. Only 13 pounds less than me.

I'm a light heavyweight. Me and him. Me and him. He weighs 205 for about 13 minutes. And then he probably goes back up to whatever it is before he starts his cut. But my point being, look at the size of that motherfucker. I mean, Jesus Christ, look at that dude. He's a tank.

There's limitations of the human frame. And that guy has a different bone structure than Doogie Howser. There's just no denying it. Or, you know, that's a bad example. But, you know, there's a lot of guys that are his size that just don't have the kind of advantages that he has bone structure-wise. Yeah. Physically, like what he can do.

There's like a certain amount of horsepower that certain guys have. And you watch them fight. You look at that guy. That guy's a fucking tank of a man. Brock Lesnar, perfect example. Guy takes takes off how many years did he take off like five years at least six years at least he fights mark hunt roids or no roids whatever the fuck he tested positive for or anti-estrogen blockers or whatever he does forget about all that the fact that this guy was able to fight mark fucking hunt after five or six years of no fighting,

just doing pro wrestling, and then win. That's insane. I had had a bet in on Mark Hunt and you had told me and I didn't know. I told you I'm a casual fan. I took Mark Hunt but I didn't know anything about him and then

he walks out and I'm like, oh oh shit this motherfucker is built he's built like me so i had a cash bet in so i did not go on in my book uh my online book this is before the fight started i'm trying to bet on uh brock lesnar real quick oh that's hilarious already taking the bet down and i was like oh man i didn't bet on this guy that's built like me brock lesnar about to work about see here's the thing though that's not necessarily true I know it's not necessarily true but that was my instinct at the time like oh no what Brock Lesnar did in uh taking that amount of time off and then beating a guy like Mark Hunt that's so extraordinary and he's

probably never gonna get the credit that he deserves because of the fact that, one, he was a pro wrestler. And then, two, he tested positive for this anti-estrogen blocker, whatever the fuck he took. I don't know what happened. Who knows? It could have easily been some performance-enhancing formula that he bought from GNC. Or it could have been something more insidious. Whatever the fuck it was, the fact that this guy was able to beat Mark Hunt after all that time off just shows you what an amazing athlete he really is.

There's no way in hell that certain guys are going to catch up to that guy. If that guy just keeps working out, there's guys that if they just keep working out and they stay healthy and they stay fit and they get into the cage healthy and fit with no injuries which is like the primary that's like yeah just like you there's certain guys you're like you're in a you're in a world of shit if you get a guy like brock lesnar into the ring with you and he's not hurt and he's not hurt, and he's in great shape, and he has no injuries. You're in a world of shit. You're standing in front of a Goliath of a man,

a guy who has to struggle to diet down 265 pounds. Yeah. That's not fair. What about CM Punk? Is he good, or is he making his debut? He's making his UFC debut. But I have to respect that he did a lot of things the right way. He went to Duke Rufus' camp in Minneapolis. Milwaukee,

rather. Excuse me. Did he go to Albuquerque? There's a lot of stuff in Albuquerque. Yeah, there's a lot. No, no. He went to Milwaukee, because that's where Duke is. What he did was he went to one of the best gyms in the world, Rufus Sport. His brother, Rick Rufus, who was like a world champion kickboxer that used to be on pka karate and then uh there's

duke rufus duke rufus is a world champion muay thai fighter and he's produced like a ton of world-class fighters like anthony pettis sergio pettis uh tyron woodley does his striking down there he's a new ufc welterweight champion. So Duke Rufus is just like a really high level camp. And that's where CM Punk chose to move his camp. And he lived there for like two years. And all he's been doing is training. He signed with the UFC and he just said

I'm going to do this the right way. And he went through a full, like a long period of training, learning skills, and working under the tutelage of like one of the best guys in the world. So who the fuck knows what's going to happen? We really don't know.

I mean, I have no idea what this guy can do. I've, I've seen him hit some pads. I've seen some slow motion, weird, blurry videos of him sparring. I don't know.

I mean, they might be trying to shield it for promotional purposes. I mean, he might've gotten really good. If the guy's willing to do that, that's an extraordinary amount of discipline that it takes to move to a place, change your life, live there for two years, just nothing but train. Who the fuck knows? But that's the big statement is who the fuck knows. So if you go to watch him fight, it's like you're tuning in for essentially like

a spectacle right and it might be great and it might i mean we have to see yeah he doesn't even know we don't know he's never fought we don't know no one knows no one knows what the fuck's gonna happen i haven't fought with the people there either that's a different thing too dude there's a big difference there's a big difference between training and reality and you know and maybe he excels there's people who excel at reality where they they look lackluster in training and then they rise to the occasion of the event yeah and then there's other people that are exact opposite where they practice well and then yeah the anxiety of performance is real, I mean, it's just, I was, when, it was a point during the

Diaz-McGregor fight where the crowd started chanting. Like, they were in a clinch or something and the crowd was like, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz. And I was just like,

what is he thinking right now? Like, what does that feel like? This dude is in a clinch. It's a huge fight the headliners right blood streaming down his face what is his get my pants off what does he feel like you know with the crowd chin like what is that that gladiator shit like like does it help does it is it distracting does it hype you up

whoop his ass they chanting uh it's just uh it's just uh you know it's a real good question it's something i'll never i'll never know it was something hopefully and and and you'll find out on my podcast next week that i'm starting i'll be interviewing uh nate diaz and uh man it's a good question. He's the only one that can answer it, or him or anyone else has experienced that. Because you're talking about at this new T-Mobile. How many people is the seat? I think the T-Mobile is like 22,000 or something. Oh, really?

Is that many? It's a big-ass place. It's way bigger than the MGM. I don't know about how much. At least a few thousand. What is it, Jamie? People are chanting your name, but it's not like

basketball, because you've been punching the face a lot, so you're in a little bit of pain. You might be hurting. You're kind of tired. It's not just you drop to three or something and you're just jogging. You're in the clint. So it's like, this is cool, but I'm still kind of uncomfortable right now.

Maybe it fires you up. How many? 20? It says 20,000 for boxing and MMA. Oh, wow. That's so many. That's a lot of fucking people. So that's approximately 5,000 more than the MGM.

Isn't the MGM about 15,000? Somewhere around there? I think. Is that why they moved them there? Because there's more people or is this a different deal? I don't know.

You know, I just think they could sell this out too. 16,800. 16,800. Oh, Jesus. The MGM is that big? Yeah, it's a little bigger.

Wow. Oh. So is it Mandalay Bay that's 15? Is that what it is? Or is that 14? What am I asking? What am I, a fucking census taker?

Stop answering my questions. Book an agent. What does it hold? 12,000. Oh, shit. Mandalay Bay is only 12,000. Hmm. Interesting.

So I guess the reason why they moved is just the UFC could sell out those places now, especially for this fight. This fight was goddamn bananas banana that was amazing you could you could have stuck a light bulb in your mouth and it would have started glowing right it was electricity in the air i was going through our fingertips it was it was crazy man it was a good time that's why i decided to keep uh working for the ufc is moments like that the uh nate diaz conor mcgregor fight the first one was one of of the, and the Misha Tate-Holly Holm fight. Yeah. Misha choked Holly Holm unconscious in the fifth round.

It was fucking chaos. I remember thinking, how could I stop doing this? How could I, I can't believe I even got this job in the first place. I get to watch this crazy shit and talk about it from right next to the cage. So you weren't, when they bought it. I wasn't sure. I just was thinking I was doing too many things. Yeah.

And then I decided, well, instead of just being crazy, why don't I just do less? I'm just going to do less. Yeah. And in doing less, it just made a big difference. Vape pen use after you have to...

Oh, man. He just got punched in the face a bunch. Let him fucking use a vape. Come on, folks. Relax. Let him use a vape. You should let him use it should be you should let him use it immediately after just let's be scientific about this we all want everybody to be on the same

page we don't want people cheating you know if this guy you watched him fight five fucking rounds there's no more contest coming up let him do something that's medically proven to reduce inflammation it's not even marijuana it's cb. Also, those punches are probably way worse for him than CBD oil. Oh, my God. CBD oil is good for you. Yeah, exactly. Especially when you have inflammation. Yeah, exactly.

It should be Nate Diaz got punched in the face before he used CBD oil. That's a really good point, man. That is a really good point. Because for someone to be that hypocritical, you let a guy get punched in the head for 25 fucking minutes but you won't let him smoke a vape pen because what you think he's cheating yeah he's cheating death that's what he's doing same thing with football alive same thing with football oh yeah he was smoking marijuana football football is way worse for you than weed is worse for you. And probably football is worse for you than cocaine. High impact football.

Yeah. Football is probably worse for you than most stuff. Drinking out of ponds. Football's fucking dangerous. Yeah. It's super dangerous, man. But they just try to maintain a good image about it.

Just don't smoke weed. Don't smoke weed. It's hilarious. But you might get hella concussions, but don't smoke weed, because that don't look good, because we got to sell this butt light and shit. I love the word hella, but I'm too old to use it. I just turned 49. That's the cutoff.

Just do it, man. You can't say hella anymore. Yo, you can say hella. You can say hella. You were just encouraging me to tell that girl to ask her what her dreams were. Hannibal's a good friend. You know, you pump him up, he pumps you up. Yeah.

You tell me, ask the girl what her dreams are. I really wanted to ask her so bad, man. Sure. She had that vibe, man. And I see a lot of bad ones. Her vibe was crazy. And you know, I wish i took the shot yeah i would have helped her with her whatever her dreams if i had if i could what do you want to do you

want to i can i know somebody like that and you can find somebody if you don't know somebody find somebody you can find somebody i wanted to because she wouldn't be hard to find somebody i'm gonna go you know what i did i did think about think about, I saw what her name was on the receipt on Google, her name and the restaurant name and see if she got

a LinkedIn page. Damn, you went deep. LinkedIn. How many waitresses have a LinkedIn page? That's like super rare. But she,

hey, she seems like a waitress with way bigger ambitions. She seems like she should be in LA orA. or New York, actually, more than Vegas. Yeah, it's going to be hard because you're going to have to take a gamble at whether or not she's still working there, whether or not you know what day her shifts are on. Saturday, Sunday. Okay.

I was there two nights. I was there two afternoons. This podcast is getting really stalkerish. But we ain't saying no place We ain't saying no I'm not stalkerish But I do I did uh

Enjoy her energy I'm just kidding man I would help her I say go back I would help her In a platonic way Go back in a zen way In a zen way

Yeah yeah Like completely empty The energy Go back and experience Like sitting in her section Mmhmm And uh you know just saying hi yeah seeing what's up but don't don't be like crazy about it i won't be crazy about it

just say what's up it's just say hey uh i need a i need to have a i've been to vegas a bunch recently with no shelves in vegas have you been just i've been to the past two ufc things and then sometimes just another trip just to kick it it's a fun place it's a strange place i was just in um this area outside of reno it's um we were about five hours outside of reno we were camping and uh doing this uh hunting show and uh it's all in like the mountains and the the desert above nev. And it's all in the mountains and the desert above Nevada. It's somewhere in the area of where they do that whole Burning Man thing. Okay. Dude, it was amazing.

Who all was it? It's me and a bunch of camera people and this guy Steve Rinella, who hosts the show The Meteor. We struck out. But we were out there in the these mountains above, Nevada Dude There's a whole other world out there. It doesn't even look real. Yeah, like yeah, it doesn't look real you go to this place There's no people there's just giant fucking mountains. They go up to like a we were at 9,000 feet

There's other ones that go up to 11,000 feet. And you're looking at these things like, what the fuck? This is Nevada? This is Nevada? This is fucking, that's a picture from my Instagram. That's, I. That's Nevada, dude. That's the Nevada desert.

That's what's called the high desert. Like I said, about five hours outside of Reno. It was amazing. Oh, this is where you were. This is the hunting trip? No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was there for a week.

That looks crazy. I think I appreciate how that looks, and I appreciate how that feels. But I think I'm such a city dude. When I get to that, I'm like, this is beautiful. This is cool. Let's have a couple drinks and check this out. All right. Five hours, we good.

Let's go back to the lights. I understand. I understand your position. I appreciate that beauty, and I like the views. However. But I get antsy. But you zen out. It's smooth.

I could get antsy, too. zen out. I could get antsy, too. I think what I'm trying to do, one of the things I'm trying to do by going to these places and disconnecting for a few days is find out what I really think about things. Where it's just me and my thoughts and interacting with my friends. There's one of the good things about doing this show. It's called Meteor. This guy, Steve Rinella, who's the host of it is like a really smart really nice guy really interesting guy and um you know i like hanging out with him and all of his crew and his friends for like all these days it's really fun so in doing that and having it being really fun you get to relax yeah and you get to just like sit back

and hang out with these like fun cool guys and just relax and this is your world now this is your tribe right you know and he told me that before that that's, that's sort of how he views it. Like that's it, that it's his tribe and like a cool group of friends. Yeah. And that now I understand it now. It's like,

it's a, I think that disconnecting for a while, like every now and then just take, take a few days off. Just, you don't even have to go anywhere, but it's, it's probably a good idea to,

to like on purpose, take a few days off of anything coming in. And just let's see how you feel about things. Even if I'm out and about at bars or something and my phone dies and I'm not charging it, I find myself having—I realize I'm a really strange person when I talk to people. When you have to really talk to people when you get when you have to really talk to people for a while and it's not

cause now pretty much a lot of time if you're talking to somebody it's blah blah blah you talk about it and then it's like

let me do this yes exactly let me check my phone and so it's a break from it's a break from the connection where you

and everybody but if you really I mean sometimes I mean on a date or something, I don't go into my shit. Dude, that's a really important point. But, yeah, if my shit's dead and I'm just out for two hours, if I'm having long conversations and then I start realizing, oh, shit, I'm getting kind of weird and intense with this person I started asking because I

you know normally I will if I'm talking to somebody or I'll do the bullshit regular questions that we do

the where did you go to college you live here or where did you move from how long you been doing that and then and then you I mean at some, if you want to really, you got to get beyond that conversationally.

Hopefully. We're talking roofies, right? We on the same page? What? Yeah, I roofie a girl. What are your fears? Just roofie with imagination. What are your fears?

Have you ever been hypnotized? No. It can be done. Yeah? Yeah. I believe in it. I believe it too. I believe in it.

Respect to all the hypnotists out there on the road. Killing it. Having people on stage doing goofy ass shit. Have you ever seen a comedy hypnotist? Yeah. Have you ever seen it live? Yeah. It's crazy, right?

You don't believe it's real. It used to come to my college, yeah. Yeah, you don't believe it's real. And then you realize, oh, it is real. It really does work. work it works nobody would just do that goofy ass shit no it works just to do it it works in some weird way i don't understand it but i got hypnotized this guy vinnie shorman he's like a mental coach he hypnotized me to do what what was your goal just wanted to see um if there was anything that was holding back the way I was thinking. Am I thinking in the most efficient and logical way? Am I doing the most with my time?

Do I have any hiccups that I'm not paying attention to in the way I'm approaching life? So I wanted to talk to him about that. So I wanted to see what hypnotism really is because I've been talking about something that i essentially don't have any really on real understanding of right i just say oh i saw people get hypnotized at a you know frank santos comedy show and i saw that yeah how did i know you know i found this dude he uh he does uh hypnotism and mental coaching for mma fighters okay so uh it was interesting man it was weird it was like uh when you get hypnotized how long was the session sorry it's about an hour and a half okay about an hour and a half when when you get hypnotized you are aware that this person is talking to you it's not like you're in some space

world right but the world that you're living in with your eyes closed in this state is a very different world it's like if this person can command your attention your focus for a certain amount of time it lets all this other stuff sort of pass by and when the person does it with no judgment just trying to understand the way you're feeling and thinking you allow yourself to slip in to this strange state of mind yeah and that's what it is it's really weird like it'll wake up immediately like if uh if you heard like an alarm going off like that you jump out of it. Yeah, yeah It's not like you're drugged but it's I think there's a bunch of different states of consciousness leading from the dream world Which we all voluntarily go into every night when we go to sleep

We go on go to sleep with conk out and we have dreams we remember them Remember them remember them all the time we we you know you have some wacky fucking idea that came into your head it didn't make any sense and i think there's states of consciousness from being totally awake fearing for your life because you're in the middle of an earthquake to being like drifting in and out of dreams yeah you know or you're not sure you're there. Or you're not there. And you wait. You're like, was that real?

What the fuck happened? You know, you're sitting in your car, maybe at a road stop. You got a six-hour drive. You're like, let me just pull over for an hour. And you're drifting in and out. You're not sure if you're asleep. You ever just, sometimes I'll close my eyes and just start seeing weird-ass colors and shapes and shit. Not even high.

Yeah. But just all this clothes wise. And then like now is nothing. But certain times it'll just be weird shapes and just different. This looks pretty cool. Well, your brain can make all kinds of funky chemicals, man. And they don't necessarily exactly know why. It's not like there's a bunch of different things that you can do to make your brain produce certain chemicals.

Like in a row, like as far as like, you know, like maybe you can like skip rope for 20 minutes and do 50 deep breathing exercises and you'll get into a like a psychedelic state. state no one's exactly sure like what what the fuck it is that allows people to get to certain states and whether or not like the way your brain works is the same as my brain definitely you know it doesn't make any sense why would it be yeah like we all know like i hear people sing i can't fucking sing at all i hear people sing yeah and i hear like a beautiful voice like we were we're walking by some people the other night in vegas when we're on our way to go eat after the fights and then there was a this guy and this girl they were singing they must have been a part of some team or something like that they might have must have been some entertainers because they were way too good and they were singing and they were singing with each

other and they were singing with each other in harmony in this hallway and everybody was like holy shit because they just had a sound right they made this thing exactly that appealed to everybody that's not my that's not my wheelhouse yeah but my my brain

is super sensitive to when sounds are off and different sometimes you go to if you go to karaoke spots somebody doing karaoke and if they pick the rock songs and the pop songs Sometimes if you go to a karaoke spot, somebody's doing karaoke,

and if they pick the rock songs and the pop songs will sort of be the exact beats. The hip-hop songs, the beats will have this, it's a different version of it, and it drives me crazy it's certain things with music like little shifts in music that drive me crazy like i hate when songs are uh i don't like when there's acoustic versions of gangster rap songs that makes, that drives me crazy sonically. It's certain just musical things that just piss me.

It's just, and that, and that, and it's just like, I don't like it. It's just like, like that type of thing where I'm like,

I have to leave here. Yesterday, my Uber driver from the airport, which is, he was playing his own mixtape. He didn't say he was playing his own mixtape. He didn't say he was playing his own mixtape, but I could feel that he was playing his own mixtape because he played the same music for 40 minutes.

Oh, my God. The rapper's name began with K. His name began with K on the Uber, and it was bad. It was really bad. The beats was all right, but he was bad. He had no charisma on the mic and It was just And so now I'm sitting here Yeah, I just decided I'm gonna take this. I'm just take it

I just take how angry this is making me Because I don't want to give him the conversation because he wants me to say, who's this? Anyway, that's me. Right. Man, you're really talented. How long have you been rapping? Let's pretend. Let's pretend.

Me and him. How long have you been rapping, man? I've just been doing it, you know, just a few years, man, trying to get it going. So do you play this in the car all the time you just listen to yourself all the time yeah all the time man just you know especially like my favorite is when it's uh 40 minute rides with somebody that just got through traveling for a while yeah do you how loud you playing this shit i'm playing man i play it pretty loud like you know what the loudest is just a little bit less loud than that. That's how I play it.

I feel you, dude. It's your car. Yeah, man. Fuck them, right? You know, it was one song. The hook was... Oh, don't do it. He's going to know you're talking about him.

What the hell? Is it All Black BMW? All Black BMW is the hook. All Black BMW. That was the word in the hook. It's not the melody necessarily because I didn't use any melody. But we were in the All Black BMW. Oh, interesting.

No Uber bars in there. Maybe if he changed his car, it's enough to adjust. No lyrics about. But it was just, I was just sitting there like, what? Also, I get that it's L.A. And I get that people are looking for opportunity and trying to make it. How about you play me what you think your best one or two songs is? Oh, wait a minute.

You're going to say one or two? One or two. You're going to be involved in a serious conversation. This is a song that I made right after my grandmoms died. No. It's like, you know, I was hanging out, and I was like, fuck this life. So I wrote this song. Let me ask it.

I don't want the backstory, but I feel like that should be, if that's what. Two songs. If that was me, that would be my perspective on a 40-minute ride. Let me ask you this. What if a guy plays you these two songs, and they're awesome, and you're like, holy shit, this is really good. Yeah. Then what do you do?

What do I do? Yeah. I maybe say, in the car, in the moment. I might tweet it out. Like, this dude, motherfucking Uber driver, has some dope-ass music. A-plus again. And try to push that If it's amazing And I genuinely feel it

And if it's something I want to hear again Cause that's the Hallmark of a Great song for me I gotta keep listening To this over and over Frank Ocean just dropped

He's dropped his new album Finally There's a song Solo On there And it's just a simple Organ playing He's just He dropped his new album finally. There's a song, Solo, on there. And it's just a simple organ playing. He's singing, sort of sing rapping.

And it's a bunch of good songs on that album, but I can leave that on. I'll listen to a song 15 times in a row. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. There's not a lot of things like that. Movies definitely aren't like that. Comedy definitely isn't like that no but there's something about songs some stuff with comedy though some stuff with comedy with me certain timing moves that people do certain bits i will rewind a moment people my ex-girlfriend she might she tolerated but she

probably hated it it'll be certain things like quick, a weird thing in a show, and I would just bring that shit back. I would rewind that shit ten times. Well, that's what Dice Clay's career was kind of built on, is that people wanted to hear the same things over and over again. What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! The whole audience would be screaming it. It was like one of the first times where it was affir bowl, bitch? Oh! The whole audience would be screaming it.

It was like one of the first times where it was affirmed, right? But this type of shit, I'll Rewind is not, I'll Rewind, I'll Rewind a facial expression. Like a cut to, and somebody make a weird,

and if it's right, if it's well directed and well, I'll Rewind that type of shit. Just a weird line. It was stuff off of Maria Bamford's show, Lady Dynamite. Moments off of that.

It was this moment where they broke the fourth wall with Patton Oswalt talking to her about doing stand-up on the show. He was playing a character and then he broke. And then that moment

was so crazy. Shit like that where I'll just- It's certain lines. BoJack Horseman has a shit like that where I'll just it's certain lines BoJack Horseman has a bunch of shit where I'll just I'll watch the same moment

15, 20 times just cause I just think that little part it's funny and the same with rap songs there's certain rap songs where

there'll be this 20 second 30 second piece where the dude is just rapping his ass off. And I'll listen to that for like 10 minutes straight, just like that part. I still like the whole song, but it's a part of it. The drop on Father Stretch My Hands by Kanye West,

the build-up to that is this, you know, he sampled this gospel song with the same title, Father Stretch My Hands, and then it's the sample by Future Way, like, well, if your mentor don't trust you, and it drops in. That's what I walk in. Like, it's a crazy, and I'll just listen to that.

If I'm driving around, I'll just listen to that first part, like, five times, and it's just certain. I'm driving around I'll just listen to that first part like five times. Is this certain? I just like oh, oh, is that like a small Hunter Thompson used to do that when he used to write he's to listen the same song like candle in the wind He was still like Elton John candle in the wind. There's a video of him doing that He's sitting in front of the typewriter and he's just just writing, and the same song's playing over and over again on a loop. I've tried it before, too.

I flew from New York to L.A. writing the entire way, listening to Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. Came up with a lot of good shit. Well, I was just, I don't know, I was like in a groove. I don't remember what I came up with, but I remember feeling like, because this song, I knew what the lyrics were, it almost became like a sort of hypnosis. Yeah, when you get in that zone. Five hours of the same lyrics, over and over and over and over again. The whole five hours, right? what the lyrics were. It almost became like a sort of hypnosis. Five hours

of the same lyrics over and over and over and over again. The whole five hours. I just listened to Crazy Train and I typed. Had some coffee, took a leak, which I gotta do right now. Bad. This is my second podcast in a row. I wanna keep going with you but I gotta piss so bad. Jamie, ask some questions to Hannibal.

I'm just gonna freestyle rap. Hey, you know what it is. No, I'm just kidding. Nobody wants that. Am I here live now by myself? I can do anything I want. Holy shit. You see how my voice changed when he leave?

When he leave, it becomes the real me. We're here live on the Joe Rogan Experience. You know what it is. We got Bottle Water. We got Jameson. We got a goddamn clock. We got an old Tupac figurine. We got a Biggie figurine and that lady.

And we... Yeah. I'm going on tour, everybody. On the Hannibal Montanable experience. I'm coming towards your city. Unless your city is Oklahoma City. It's not

on there. But I'll come there. I was there. I've been there before. It's been good. How long have we been talking? We've been talking a long-ass time. Two hours deep. Two hours deep.

So check me out on tour. Hannibal, Montanable experience. Come through. Because if you don't come through, it's going to be embarrassing for me and my family also i uh bought a building and the mortgage is uh it's crazy i'm kidding i bought it cash don't worry about me so uh yeah check me out on tour i hope you are having a good time this is weird man I hope you're having a good time. This is weird, man.

Because it feels live. I feel so connected but disconnected right now. Because these cameras are live. Joe's back. Joe. I think I... It got weird, man. Jamie gets weird. He'll get weird.

He didn't get weird. Jamie was very... Did you get weird? I got weird. My voice changed. He's so bad. Two podcasts is just no got weird My voice changed Dude that is so bad Two podcasts is just No bueno

My voice changed I just got liver I don't believe you It was weird No it totally changed Did you go top 40 DJ? No that's I was like

What's up y'all It's Hannibal You know what it is It was just It was weird man My whole personality changed Just cause you left I was like

Oh shit Part of me takes that As a compliment That you're so comfortable You can be yourself When you're here yeah it was just it was more i just i don't even know i don't know what's that yeah it's just i just got hyped up i didn't say anything of substance either i could have i could have given 300 of my 800 podcasts i could have... 800 is a lot. That's a lot. It's more than... I think it's like...

What is this one? This is 836. I could have given some good advice. I could have just, you know, talked about my mistakes. Instead,

I just plugged tour dates. That's a good move. That's the right move. Plug tour dates. People need to see you anyway. Yeah. And it's Hannibal Montanable.

The Hannibal Montanable experience. And if they uh hannibal montanable the hannibal montanable experience and if they just google hannibal montanable just go on my go on my twitter go on facebook new instagram thing where you could take like a video of your day you do all the stories i'm not i gotta get a young person around me all the time i can do it but i don't want to i don't want to do that i get the value of doing that i understand but i don't want to it's the same if for the same reason different uh different different thing that i didn't get pokemon go oh yeah good move because it sounded it sounds fun and i want a friend of mine she had it on her phone and i messed up this is fun but i don't want wanna Be on my phone that much

So I just gotta have Some internet Savvy 25 year old Around me All the time Mr. Burns How big should her tits be?

Oh shit I just said Internet savvy 25 year old No I don't make it What if she was so hot and you're like, we can work this out.

Nope. So hot. Nope. Little ridiculous cartoon tiny waist and an ass like a fucking box of chocolates

and them heart-shaped Valentine's Day box of chocolates and you're like, what kind of an ass is that? Jesus Christ. Not fair.

Unfair. You're describing someone I hung out with recently. And she's cool. And she's cool. She's like Hannibal. She's like Hannibal. I don't give a fuck, baby.

I don't give a fuck. I'm not here for a long time. I'm here for a good time. And you're like, let's do this. What are you talking about? You're talking about my employee. Long time, good time. No, you got to keep it.

Yeah. Plutonic. Plutonic. Plutonic. You gotta keep it all... Work-oriented. Some work-oriented. It's tense though sometimes. Professional. Professional.

Yeah. Well, it's weird. See, the idea of people working alongside each other, day in, day out, men and women all grouped together in these boxes is entirely unnatural. When people would be around each other in the wild, they would do it because they liked each other. You're obsessed with the wild. I am. Back in this day that I never lived in.

Yeah. My obsession is in the genetic propensity that we have inherited from these people. And I think that in the wild, men and women never grouped up together if they didn't like each other. Right. But in work, they do.

And it creates this weird tension where men are trying to prove themselves and women are trying to prove themselves. There was no Groupon back then. It's all about group. Yeah. It's Groupon now, man. And you didn't get lucky back then. Back then, you just decided you're going to hang out with certain people.

And the other ones you killed. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Back then, yeah. It was no waiting it out. No people and the other ones you killed. Yeah. Right? Yeah, back then, it was no waiting it out. No, it was no waiting it out. You know how many times I just waited it out

late night and just hung out at the bar and then something got popping? It was none of that. It was just either she liked you because you were just strong and you brought food and killed it or she didn't like you at all. You developed the first catapult

to figure out how to launch a fucking rock towards the enemy. Or you were a small dude that she didn't pay attention to all. You developed the first catapult to figure out how to launch a fucking rock towards the enemy. Or you were a small dude that she didn't pay attention to. And then out of nowhere, out of an act of jealousy and stepping up, you killed the big dude. And then she was like, he is small, but I guess he's the alpha now. Climbed on top of his neck and took out a conch shell. Yeah, exactly. Now you just find something you're good at.

Over the cliffs, the people in the fucking boats, they lit their torches up. You find something you're good at, and you work hard, and you get women from there. There's trick shot pool players that get hella pussy. Damn, that should be another meme. There's trick shot pool players that get hella pussy. be another meme. Those trick shot pool players that get hella pussy.

There's a world for everybody, man. Oh, there is. For sure. Well, there was always like pool player groupies that would, girls that were

really good at pool that would date dudes that were really good at pool. Yeah? Yeah. Hook up with dudes that were really good at pool.

It's like anything else. They think it would translate? No, it's not even that, man. If he could put the ball in that hole, then he could put his balls in... Wait, I don't want his balls in here. Oh, shit. Ball Talk by Hannibal. I think...

That's what my podcast is going to be called. Ball Talk by Hannibal. I like it. I am starting a podcast soon. Are you? For real? Yeah. Can I be on it?

Of course. It's going to be a road soon. Are you? For real? Yeah. Can I be on it? Of course. It's going to be a road podcast, and we'll see if it continues. Let's do a gig together. Let's do a gig together. Fuck yeah. Please. I need the help on this tour. Let's do a gig together.

Tell me when, man. Let's find one. I'll hop in. Let's start with Kalamazoo, Michigan. Holy shit. Listen, man. I would be very happy to do a gig with you. That'd be fun, man.

We have a lot of time. A lot of good times. Yeah. You know, man, it's a... One of the crazy things about the Comedy Store is that we all get

to hang out together where we never would really work together that much in real life. Like, if you go on the road, you take a dude with you to open. You know, everywhere we go,

we take people with us to open, or we have a local guy that we know, we have come we never get to be all together right you can go to the comedy store any night it'd be like you and diaz and burr and ari and it's there's nothing no place like that man it's fun man i love watching rose battle at comedy store it's the greatest thing ever i love it's just uh the energy in that room. Little ass belly room, hunting some people. It's packed in there. Yeah.

They got to keep it in that fucking room, too. Yeah. Fight it off. Just fight it off. No matter what they say about that main room, don't go in there. That's not the place. It's not the place for it. I mean, I went to the TV tape in Montreal.

Oh, you got some feelings about it. How'd you feel about it? How'd you feel about it? How'd you feel about it? I felt good about it. You liked it? I mean, I'm also biased in a different, because I've seen it, I think my first time there

was maybe two years ago. Right. Close to that in the belly room. So, and I've seen, even within the belly room, different things they've done to the show in that just different things with the dj the with the wave with the with uh with the racist over there and and tweaks that they've made in there to make the show work and so to see something that you've been to a bunch of times in this small space and then see

it you know be in the art be in the same spot watching it live it's it's cool to see something like that to see that type of progression it felt it felt amazing man i changed my mind i like it better now i think they should do madison square. But yeah, the space always has to be right. And it's different. That was like a motivational speech for expanding your theater size. Yeah. It was really strong. So it was cool to see that.

And it was, yeah, I don't think I've had to. And it was, yeah, I don't think I've had to. I've seen that with comedians or friends of mine, that type of progression from, you know, open mic to middle act to feature act to somebody, you know, being on shows and being famous. But I never saw that with, I can't think if I saw that with a show concept. Maybe I have couple but just

something i attended regularly to see it go from a live show and go there a bunch and enjoy it as a live show and then you know have it be live on comedy central that was something cool i enjoyed watching that and i was really happy for them yeah no i i completely agree all jokes aside i mean i think uh what they've managed to do by getting that show on the air is pretty monumental and I was really happy for them. Yeah, no, I completely agree, all jokes aside. I mean, I think what they've managed to do by getting that show on the air is pretty monumental because this is a goddamn brutal show, right? Yeah. Do they have a webpage?

Pull up the Comedy Central website. Do they have a webpage for that show? Are they going to do a bunch of them? I think they're going to do it again. CC.com slash Rose Battle. Can we see it? Yeah. Can I see what the page looks like?

Who's the champion? Mike Lawrence. Mike Lawrence. You know Mike? Yeah, I know him from the store. I've seen him around. He's great. He's super funny.

Great writer. I think they have all four episodes up for free. You don't even have to have... Scroll down a little bit? Go in and have the... Oh, wow. They had a bracket. Yeah.

Now, how many different hosts are they going to have? What are they going to do for... The host is always... It's Jeff Ross and... Moses. Yeah. Brian Moses.

Brian Moses. Who is awesome, by the way. Brian Moses. I'm so happy for that dude. He's such a good dude. So they're not going to fuck with it. So it's going to basically be in the same state

that it's always been in except for the racist they can't have the racist see here's my only feeling this is my only feeling i don't have a problem with them doing i don't have a problem with anything but i wouldn't suggest them filming those shows i would suggest them doing those shows and filming the fucking belly room shows there is a there's a world in that room yeah when when someone's killing like when earl skagel came out for that roast battle thing and just destroyed remember that night he came out with a fur coat on we did you see that on comedy central dude they filmed it and it was it was magic because there's 90 people in there and they're

smushed like sardines it's's packed. It's a vibe in there. Everything has to be in line when you're killing. There's a frequency you have to hit, and Earl was just on that frequency. And when you see someone do something like that in a small room, you realize that's the value of the small room. When a small room. Here's that. Yeah.

This is a video of those guys. But when you're in a small there's earl when you're in a small room like that and you just let it all hang out there's a weird fucking energy to that there's a weird connection to that it's different than anything else and it's way different than a big place like a big place is nice it's beautiful to be there it's cool to be a part of like 10 000 people came to see rose battle yay sure but the best show is that 90 seat belly room or 80 seat whatever the it is fire codes one of the best jokes i ever heard there i wish i could remember this comedian's name

but it sounds you know you ever hear a joke that's new that sounds like it's from the 50s or 60s just in structure and brevity right this uh

this guy he says to this girl he says she's in an on and off relationship with her boyfriend

it's on when he sees her body off when he sees her body, off when he sees her face. Oh, shit. I'm like, did you? Because I'm like,

that sounds like, the way it's, it sounds like you heard it before, but you didn't, I haven't heard it before. No, I never heard it before. But it sounds, it's your,

we missed it. It sounds like some old shit your uncle would say, but we never, that was a fucking, I mean, I've heard many great jokes there, but that one just stuck in my head. They just found the eighth ever Tyrannosaurus Rex skull in Montana. That's right up there with that. It's like people find shit sometimes. They're like, why has no one found this skull? They just didn't.

Okay. No one saw that combination of words. It's perfect. Meanwhile, there's some dude right now in the Midwest screaming, That's my bit, bitch. That's my bit. That's my fucking bit. Going crazy.

Somebody might have come up with that, and we don't even know. We just never heard it. It might be an open mic-er. They might have come up with it three solid weeks ago. Yeah. They might have put it on YouTube. We might be fucked. Yeah.

These days, man. I saw a bunch of Ryan Lochte jokes What's that dude's name? They're like the same joke Over and over and over again On Twitter? About him getting robbed Yeah About uh

Into him lying? Yeah yeah yeah Like now would be a good time to rob him Like I saw that like From like Everybody Everybody would think that Did anybody do jokes about

Getting his sponsorships Endorsement deals That seemed like an easy joke They all get dropped They all get dropped They dropped a bunch of them today And so part of me was like He went for a body hair removal one

Wait a minute Okay So they're looking for people So shout out to Speedo Speedo first of all Speedo Hey Everybody that wants to wear your shit Isn't in great shape people. So shout out to Speedo. Speedo, first of all, Speedo, hey, everybody that wants to wear your

shit isn't in great shape. So how about you look at me, Hannibal Buress. That's a good point. Successful Samsung representative. Also got some other stuff coming up. That's right. A lot of things in the works. Charming pitchman. Irons in the fire. I have a horrible lifestyle.

Horrible health, but great skin. I look great on irons in the fire I have a horrible lifestyle horrible health but great skin I look great on camera good smile Speedos people like me I look people in the eyes

when I talk to them I shake their hands and I always look in the eyes when I do shots two words neon orange Speedos

Speedos who else did Ryan Lochte lose anybody else did Ryan Lochte lose also first of all I've been to Brazil never had a problem first of all he shouldn't have lied about that

it would seem like something he didn't need to lie about duh also fuck swimmers being celebrated like that I like it that they're celebrated no because I wish walkers would be celebrated I wish we could figure out what is walking

who can walk the fastest who's the fastest walker? Who can? Let's celebrate it all. Stay alive. Swimming. We could have a hold their breath-er Olympics where people hold their breath the longest. Let's do that too.

I like it. Swimming. It's too many strokes. Let's throw rocks. It's too many strokes. The furthest rocks throw. The strokes. I respect this, whatever this is, the regular.

I respect this. What is the regular? I don't even know what it's called. The regular. I respect this, whatever this is, the regular. I respect this. What is the regular? I don't even know what it's called. Do you know? When you get into this, the freestyle, when you get into this, I can't fuck with this. Okay, for the people that are just listening, regular is you're throwing your arms over the head like you see in the pool. But when you're doing your shoulders with the goofy shit and swimming like that, the fly stroke, The breast stroke? Get out of here with your fucking breast stroke. Nobody cares.

Michael Phelps got 22 gold medals. Yeah, but a bunch of them were for swimming like a goofy asshole that nobody swims like. Get out of here. He's not the greatest Olympian. He swims in water. Damn, that's a good point. Fuck that. Here's what the good point is.

Someone shit themselves? How many times you got to swim away from danger? One of the walkers. One of the walkers shit themselves? How often do you have to swim away from danger? You might save a couple lives. Usain Bolt, he going to save some lives. He can run fast.

Oh, I ran in there. I got out. Or somebody's attacking him. I'm out of here. I'm Usain Bolt. But you're usually not around water like that to get away from danger. Hmm. It's a very good point. Well, here's the point. There's too many strokes. But you're usually not around water like that to get away from danger. Swimming. That's a very good point.

Well, here's the point. There's too many strokes. Why limit the way you move? If you're going to swim, why do you have to swim in a very specific way? If this breaststroke thing was so fucking good, wouldn't it be the fastest way to do this? Let's pretend. Let's pretend this is the only shitty way we know how to swim. Let's just fucking throw our arms in front of ourselves like we're parting the curtains,

like those beads at the porno section of the video store before there were DVRs and DVDs. And you porn. Those days. If they're going to have the fucking breaststroke, if they're going to have this stroke, if they're going to have this, then why not just have a fucking Olympic competition where you just run but you high knee in

the whole time? That's a very good point. High knee in. Let's have backwards running. If you got the backstroke, why is there no backwards running in the Olympics? From now on,

we should call that that move the porn section. That is you parting the beads that are hanging. I bet when they fucking, when video games went under Or excuse me videos Video rentals went under

I bet the bead industry dropped substantially I bet a big part of their profits Was beating off the porn sections I'm dating myself here You guys don't even understand You guys are both youngins When I was a boy You could rent videos, you could rent

videos and you could rent porn videos. I gotta go to the bathroom. Can you yell drunkenly for me for one minute? Drunkenly? Oh, got it. When I was a kid, Hannibal Buress can't handle his bladder, I guess. I hung in there, folks.

I did my best. But Louis Theroux, doing that podcast with him for three hours, and then I had some water like an asshole in between. I couldn't hang in there, folks. I'm so sorry. What were we just talking about, Jamie? Were you paying attention? Yeah. What?

What? Lost it. Oh, God damn it, Jamie. Olympics? Swimming? Swimming. Well, limiting damn it, Jamie. Is it Olympics? Olympics? Swimming? Well, limiting your movements is ridiculous. Like the idea that someone's going to say,

okay, you can swim, but you can't swim at your best. Swim in some goofy way that's not efficient. Go ahead, try that. Because if somebody could just do breaststroke only versus a freestyle swimmer, they would never win, right? No way, right? Why most Olympic events are events that we're looking at anyway, I'm confused at. Well, I'm a super big fan of curling, so I'm going to tell you to fuck off right now. You ever watch that?

Hannibal, you ever see curling? Ten years ago and everyone else got excited about it. The winter Olympic sport? I was in, I think it was Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. For a gig? Yeah, yeah.

Great time. Nice people. When? Long time ago. Yeah, no. You don't play Newfoundland. I'll go back. I would go back.

Nah, you don't play Newfoundland recently. I would totally do it. I would totally do it. Oh, why haven't you done it then? I like to do weird shit. It's there. It's been there. It's only a certain amount of days.

You haven't asked your agent to go to Newfoundland. The years are filled up very quickly with metropolis areas well haven't you been an ambassador for ufc newfoundland point being i tried erroneously to make fun of curling while i was in newfoundland because the hallways the hallways of the place we were at had all these photos of people curling so the dude with the broom and the dude with the fucking hockey, the giant steroided out hockey puck, they're sliding across the ground. It's so goofy. So you try to run as, meaning that.

I tried joking around about it. They were not with it? Oh, come on. They loved it. They love their curling. Really? Yeah. I don't understand it, but I guess I don't have to.

You don't have to. They like it. They like it. Also, it's Newfoundland. And after a while, you watch it for like an hour or so, you kind of get compelled. Like, who the fuck's going to win this thing? Yeah. Stupid.

Let's book a gig in Newfoundland. It's only baseball. Let's do it. Let's do Newfoundland. Okay, I'm in. But you know you're black, right? Listen, man. Just kidding. Let's do Newfoundland. Okay, I'm in. But you know you're black, right? Listen, man. Just kidding.

It's Canada. Are they the nicest people on the earth, or is it like Swedish people? Have you ever been to Sweden? They're not the nicest people on earth. I think it's like the same way. Sometimes it's southern hospitality, and then sometimes it's southern passive aggressiveness, and they just talk horribly behind your back. Right.

And that's like, well, I was talking about this with somebody recently. Try to imagine the fact that 1865, when slavery was abolished, was less than 200 years ago. Try to imagine what 200 years is, because it's only two lifetimes. Yeah. Two people being alive from birth to death. That's 200 years So these people are very healthy people. Yeah, very healthy very lucky people I mean, so they're stuck in this probably not slaves, right? Exactly the slaves are living to be

Conditions aren't that? exactly, you don't have access to the to anything to the gluten-free or the you don't have the the slave slaves aren't getting the fresh press juice so that you know let's let's cut it to maybe 60 70 years for slaves yeah if you you're super lucky and that is only a short amount of time ago. And no one understands that today. We can intellectualize it. We can think about it. We can put it into our heads and try to figure it out. No one can figure that out today.

And there's a lot of those areas of the country that are just poisoned by those old stupid ideas. They're just stuck in there, man. In areas of the world. There's a lot of weird areas of the world that is poisoned by old, stupid ideas. I think we should do Newfoundland. Fuck yes. I think we should shake off me and Joe Rogan.

Newfoundland. Newfoundland gig. Let's do it. Let's do another one somewhere else, like Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan. What did I mean? Want to do Saskatchewan in January? Want to get crazy?

I met some Canadians when I was in Minneapolis and they were like, you need to, I think they might have been from Saskatchewan and they were like, you need to come

because it was some tourism convention or something. You need to come to Saskatchewan. Did you do Edmonton? I've done, I think I've done,

I'm either doing Edmonton or Calgary on this tour. Dude, the River Cree in Edmonton, the casino, that I think I've done, I'm either doing Edmonton or Calgary on this tour. Dude, the River Cree in Edmonton, the casino, that is fantastic.

That is fun, man. That's a fun fucking place. I like Edmonton, man. They're good fucking people. They're just stuck in some weird spot that's like really cold for like four months

of the year. But it's all that oil money, right? It's the oil money, so you got these, these people know sometimes know they just come out of high school and make six figures yeah well they're canadian too there's something about canadians like their culture does not um support this like

uh the world domination idea that united states sort of has ingrained in us. Like we're the police of the world for good or for bad. Right. It's a lot of people think that way. Mostly bad. Yeah. Right. But the Canadians don't have this. They're not.

It's just Canada's trying to create a good life. Yeah. Yeah. They're just people. And there's a real value in that. But there's also like this idea that the only way Canada would exist is if the United States is below it. Right. Protecting it because we're such a fucking gangster country. Yeah. Right. This idea that the only way Canada would exist is if the United States is below it.

Protecting it because we're such a fucking gangster country. So that's the idea that I think makes total sense if you're looking at it objectively. But God damn it makes for some nice folks. Because Canada, they're like, I think, maybe my all-time favorite people anywhere. I think they're the nicest people i like doing shows that i was drawing numbers in canada like at good spots like at in 300 400 seat spots easily before i was doing it over here that makes sense i mean in vancouver i remember doing shows in vancouver like 2011 and toronto played the horseshoe in 2011, and Toronto played the Horseshoe in 2011, and then coming through first time just with light credits, and then getting there, holy shit, they coming to fuck with me here.

I couldn't. You know when you first start doing a role, and you start hitting some spots, and you're like, what the fuck, I got people here? Yeah. And that's what Canada was when I started getting offers. I was thinking, what is, it wasn't big money, but it was just to have that.

It was Vancouver. I forget the promoter's name, but I played maybe the rickshaw or something at Horseshoe Tavern in Toronto five years ago and just being shocked that there was that many people there. It was psyched. It was

it happened earlier over there, man. You know what you gotta do in Toronto? Next time you're there, you gotta do the weed shop. What's that weed shop? Oh, they have a show there, right? They have a front room where they sell bongs and like rolling papers and shit. And then you go in the back room.

And the back room doesn't have any air. It's all just pot smoke. You're breathing in pot smoke. There's no air. There's no air left. The candles, there's candles on the table. They're all running on pot smoke and promises. There's no fucking air in that room, man.

It's all just pot smoke. And you get high before you go on stage. And then you go on stage, and then it's preposterous. Everybody is in a goddamn coma. It is the strangest comedy show you've ever done. Nobody wants that from me. This is what you need. Do your regular show first, and then head over to that place around 12, 30 a.m. You know what I'm into?

Because I do. I like THC capsules. Me too. And if it's because they mellow me because I get I get so weird and in my head sometimes where I can't unless I'm on unless I'm a little drunk or a little on something else. I'm not able to enjoy myself high a lot, especially if I'm in a situation where I'm recognizable. If I'm high on weed and people recognize me, I get weirded the fuck out. That's understandable. It blows my, I'm like, what am I doing?

What is life? What did I choose? What's going on? Who are these people? Why are they talking to me? Why did I do this? Why did I do this? Why did I do this? If I'm high,

I just can't handle it, dude. We need to hang out more, for sure. But the TAC Capsules... I'm going to hold your hand figuratively. TAC Capsules, I took... I went to this dispensary

shout out to Native Roots in Denver and I'm smooth on that also maybe I think I think maybe the way I smoke I shouldn't be out and about

that's what I'm saying my smoking it should be just chilling watching some shit playing some video games. But my weed smoking, I just never, if I can't create a situation where nobody can talk to me, then that's how I need to be high. Or the capsules. The capsules, I can talk to.

A capsule smoothed me out. And I started taking those. This shit is great. And I feel good. And good, and I can do stand-up on them. I can't smoke weed and do stand-up, but I can take a capsule and be high and do stand-up. Hmm. Do you know the difference between eating it and smoking it? Slightly, but I'm ready for this explanation. There's a chemical difference like uh you smoke it it's thc

you eat it that uh what the compound of the marijuana is processed by your liver produces something called 11 hydroxy metabolite okay it's way more psychoactive it's like four to five times more psychoactive than thc so you're talking about the capsules no i'm talking about anytime you eat it eat it yeah i don't do i don't likeibles. But if you're taking a capsule, you're eating it. You know what I'm saying? But it doesn't... It doesn't matter. It's like if it goes through your digestive tract and it's processed by your liver. It takes a little bit about

an hour or so depending upon the dosage and how strong it is. Yeah. And whether you have a full stomach I guess probably. Probably has something to do with it. But when it's processed by your liver, it produces this weird psycho Psychedelic drug it's very different than just regular pot That's the I don't know for some reason the capsules

I feel the way smooth the on them than just smoking somebody's joint Do you know how many milligrams are in those capsules? I think is is 10. Oh, that's good That's a really reasonable dose. Yeah. And that's the good news about marijuana, like medical marijuana going nationwide, is you can take a reasonable dose, like 10 milligrams, and it's therapeutic for your body. It feels good. You relax. Nobody gets hurt. Also, you have somebody explaining to you.

That's what I like. I mean, I wish I bought way more in Denver. And also, if you can just mail me I'll send you money Dude we'll hook you up Relax Don't say anymore You're gonna get catfished by a cop

Right? Catfished by a cop? Yeah they're gonna Hey dude bro I've always wanted to fucking You're gonna be fake cops bro You're gonna get deep in your posse I'd be like this dude's

Fucking weirdo It's gonna be a girl It's gonna be a girl With a girlfriend Big tits, tiny waist Waist like my wrist. Yeah, they don't like to do stuff with people.

Ass like an explosion. They're not giving people. They're not thoughtful. They just wanna fuck. They're not thoughtful. Maybe. Maybe. That's a good point.

That's a good point. It's hard. I have a friend who... Usually thoughtful women aren't classically beautiful. Whoa. I can't believe you said that. No, no, no, no. That really hurts. Not... No, no, no. classically beautiful. Wow. I can't believe you said that.

No, no, no. That really hurts. Not a one online. Thinking about my mom right now. Online, as far as somebody's going to reach out to you, then the model

is not going to reach out to you. Hey, what do you need? And shit. Do you need something? The model chick reach out and say hey you want to hang out but nobody's gonna reach out like a model chick is not reaching out hey i got this for you one thumb in the asshole two fingers in the pussy gripping like a fucking bowling ball no but a model yeah they're not gonna say hey you need this when you when you they want to hang out

right yeah they're gonna say hey, you need restaurant recommendations. That's a good point. They used to, all the attention anyway, so they're just saying, oh, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah, they just,

they want to test the waters. And Hannibal Buress ain't playing games, ladies. Okay? Unless you're ready to go to DEFCON 4. You ready? I got high standards.

Me too. What? I think I want kids, man. Do you? At what age? When you have your third or fourth hotel. I think I want kids in three years. In three years?

Two, three years. That's a good move. I saw this pregnant woman on the L train in New York. But she was one of those where she didn't, she just looked like her stomach was bigger. Nothing else, like perfect makeup, just dressed nice in a nice dress. She didn't have a wedding ring on. I just wanted to... I just wanted to ask her

if everything was okay, if she was with the dude. Like, she was so beautiful. I kept looking at her. I know she felt me looking at her. I probably weirded her out. She was so beautiful, I started picturing myself

arguing with the real father five years from now. I started picturing myself arguing with the real father five years from now. I started picturing myself on the train. Holding hands with her. I started picturing myself five years from now yelling at this dude outside the house in Jersey. Hey, dude, you had your chance. Yeah, you're calculating. You're just a sperm

donor. You're looking at her beautiful face. I'm the real dad. You're calculating the potential for future joy, being with that person with perfect bone structure. You're willing to take a chance and put your whole life into a quagmire. I was just there and just like, oh my god.

Look at, it was... Are you okay? Huh? Hey, baby, are you okay? That's what I was saying. Are you okay? What were you saying? I'm her. oh, my God. Look at. It was. Are you okay? Huh? Hey, baby, you okay? That's what I was saying. Are you okay? What would you say? I'm her. Here, go ahead.

I'm looking down. I'm just shaking my head. I'm just like, every now and then I just go like this with my hands. You on a train? I'm on the train. Hey. I look good, though, dude. I know I look good.

See, this is the thing. I wouldn't just. I wouldn't even. Go ahead and say something to me. On wouldn't even on a train if I don't have anything organic I wish something crazy happened I'm not asking for real life this isn't law and order I know

I'm the girl sorry I just accidentally put my face in your pussy. Oh, whose baby is that in there? Is he in the baby's life? Do you picture a long life in there? Hi, I'm financially stable. Not quite emotionally, but I'm getting there. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, this podcast is a wrap.

Hannibal, Montanable tour. Go to Hannibal Burris on Twitter. HannibalBurris.com. HannibalBurris.com. Yeah, check me out on tour. Hannibal, Montanable experience. Come through. Check me out.

I'll be on the road. And we're going to do a gig together in Newfoundland. We're going to make this shit happen. We shook on it. We're going to make this shit happen. All right, folks. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. That was a lot of fun shit happen. We shook on it. We're going to make this shit happen. All right, folks. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

That was a lot of fun, man. That was a lot of fun. Fuck.