The Joe Rogan Experience - #850 - George Perez

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

George Perez is a stand up comedian. Previously seen on Comedy Central, Showtime, and MTV's "Yo Mama", you can now see George headlining all over the country.

Boom! And we're live, just like that. That's what I like. That's what I like too, man. We're sitting here, I'm here with George Perez, and right when I was coming here, my neighbor right over here just told me there's some black SUVs driving down the street. They got battering rams and black helicopters, and then Jamie said there's SWAT crews. Some shit's going down, George Perez. Hey, I tweeted. Let people know you're in the area.

Did you have location services turned on? You got to turn that shit off, man. They find you. That's how they find you, dude. They probably will find you. They probably do. That's why Ari, I'm convinced. That's why Ari Shafir went to a flip phone.

He doesn't want that GPS on him. He doesn't want them tracking him. With all his mushroom drops and he leaves everywhere and So there's something going on so while this podcast is happening some shit is going on very close to us here We're in Woodland Hills. So somewhere in this area Somewhere in the 818 I was nervous coming over here because of the area really? Yeah, I haven't been here since like 98 This is a fucked up area. Well, Yeah, I haven't been here since like 98. Is this a fucked up area?

Well, we used to sell speed to people in Reseda. You just don't let them visit. So I remember they were like, don't turn right. Do not go that way. Like you don't want to go back to see what you planted. Oh, it's here. See how it grew. It's here. Speed is a weird one, man.

You know, they had uh statistic the other day on how many fucking people are on adderall oh shit which is just speed it's just fucking speed there's a statistic that i posted yesterday that's the most disturbing one though ronda patrick dr ronda patrick put it up there's more people on pain pills today than use tobacco. Fuck. Think about that. That's how crazy the pain pill business has gotten. Think about all the dip, all the people that chew, all the people that smoke cigars and cigarettes,

all that combined, there's more people on pain pills. And it's weird because they took cigarettes away from baseball. Remember they used to smoke in the 80s? You could smoke in baseball and you could dip. I don't remember. I remember you could dip. You can't dip anymore? No.

No, nothing. I mean, I don't know about professional. I know you can't dip in college. But they used to smoke cigarettes in the games, in the dugouts. Wow. And I only know because sometimes I stay up late and I watch ESPN and I'm like, oh, shit, you could smoke back then. So you watch like an old game and they'll show them still smoking? It was like ESPN has classics and it was like a classics like World Series and I think it was Reggie Jackson smoking in the dugout.

Look at him. Look at that right there. Heath Hernandez enjoys a dugout cigarette. What year is that from, Jamie? I don't know. It says 19 something, 87. 87. 1987 game.

Yeah, they used to smoke cigarettes and then spit. They were always chewing and spitting. And now they're popping pills and getting concussions. Well, they definitely are popping pills. Apparently that's another big problem. Adderall is a big problem with baseball because it helps them focus and concentrate on hitting the ball better. That's just fucking crazy to me how they prescribe you speed to get smarter yeah well it accelerates well for apparently when who's is that is that me

that's not me did i ding somebody ding um when you uh when you have add which is real debatable whether or not that shit's real or how many people actually i mean is it just people with energy is just people who are bored they don't want to concentrate on whatever the fuck you want them to concentrate on i mean i don't know i don't know exactly know what add really is because i think it's severely over over prescribed by everyone's measures but when you have it when you give them speed it helps them calm down somehow or another. I don't get it. It must be like a focus speed they give or like a special something they found in there because back in my days when I did speed, I couldn't focus on shit.

Maybe that's because you don't have it though because you don't have ADD, whatever that means. But if ADD doesn't exist, then maybe it's just something that makes everybody focus. Well, I think ADD most likely is just there's a bunch of behaviors. There's a bunch of different ways people behave, and there's a bunch of ways their mind works. And some people, they like to stay calm and focus on one thing and they like peace and quiet and other people are scattered as fuck and they're thinking about a million different things and they can't concentrate speed apparently for those people helps them concentrate but the question is like if someone is like i had a next door neighbor and uh this next door neighbor his kid

was just a regular fucking kid and they put the kid on prozac it was really weird man they were like oh you can't concentrate he's just he's all over the place so we you know we put him on and i i couldn't even talk to the dude i was just like this is crazy you're medicating a he's like an eight or nine year old kid he's just a fucking kid most kids when they go to school they don't want to pay attention to whatever the fuck the teacher's talking about no No, I would have got prescribed or was that shit called diagnosed? I would have got diagnosed as

a kindergarten. Yeah, I think I would have too for sure. If I had that guy for a dad, he definitely would have put me on some medication. That's weird. I remember the first time I heard of ADD like I thought it was a gang and I was like do we get along with those fools? And they were like, nah, foe, it's a focusing shit.

And I was just like, oh, what the hell? A focusing shit. Yeah. So the kind of speed that you would sell these people out here, like what kind of speed was that? Back then it used to be called crank. Remember crank? I do remember crank. What is crank?

What is that? I don't know. I think crank is just like the best part of the strictrychnine because it's made out of Strychnine. Am I right? The best part of poison. Yeah. And we used to sell the peanut butter one. It was a peanut butter one.

It was weird because back in those days, Speed had a taste that was just awful. It was like rotten cactus cooler. That's what it tasted like like a rotten cactus cooler you ever left the cactus cooler out that's it oh yeah and so it's it was made with a peanut butter taste it was weird yeah i mean i don't remember who we were getting it from i just remember the guy going because we used to hit it out of a bong. So we were crazy. And I'd be like, fuck, this shit tastes like peanut butter. So yeah, I started focusing on peanut butter sandwiches.

You focused. That's so bizarre. So when you would do that back then, you would have to, like, how do you get into the speed business? Like you'd have to find somebody do you get into the speed business like you'd have to find somebody who's cooking it yeah i mean yeah it was weird because uh i'm like what 20 years old i just left my lady for being a tweaker like a crazy one and then it just got me involved to be like no fuck this i need to make money i need to make money and my my buddies, go ahead. I was going to say, so she was a crazy tweaker. She was hardcore.

Still to this day. Still alive? Dude, she has seven kids from six guys. Good kid. And she's that kind of girl that's just pretty where a guy will be like, I'll pay for whatever you want. And she's with it. Wow. I'm just happy I was the first one and I got out.

Man. Man. That's a weird one right people that are on speed i hung out with a dude recently that was on speed he didn't want to admit he was on speed but you could tell because he would do things like he was saying it we were talking and he turned like real quick yeah and then he like kind of collect himself and turn real quick and like why and we were me and a of my buddies work Why is he moving so fast and then trying to calm himself down? And like he was driving us and when he was driving he would make like these quick turns And then correct yeah, I'm like trying to calm himself like this guy's on fucking speed man What's going on is he he made a move and then he looked at you to be like fuck does he know I'm on it Okay, we gather myself

I mean I would look at the way he was turning fuck, does he know I'm on it? Okay, regather myself. Calm, calm, calm, calm, calm. I mean, I would look at the way he was turning. It was like he heard a loud noise. Yeah. Like for everything he did. Well, your senses are up. Your senses are up. You're alert to anything and everything.

It's up. I mean, Hitler gave it to his troops, right? Yeah, yeah. They say he invented it. I don't know if that's true. I think it was invented during that time. I don't think it hitler i think hitler was in the lab i've got it that's why his mustache is so little he's all i gotta keep this mustache tight tight and clean no i think uh they invented it during that era and uh i know they gave it to

the kamikazes too that's how they got the kamikazes to fly those planes into battleships. They were just jacked up on meth. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. A little meth speed, you know, all that stuff. It's just, just those accelerants, any of those things that just they fuck with your judgment.

I remember there was this, I believe it was GQ I was reading this article about this guy who was a lawyer, and he was this real I believe it was GQ, I was reading this article about this guy who was a lawyer. And he was this real successful lawyer. And he got involved somehow or another with a client that was a meth dealer. And so then all of a sudden he starts getting into the meth business. Oh, wow. He just realized, there's a lot of fucking money in this.

Yes. And I guess he started doing meth. And then he started doing meth and then he started selling meth and then one of the things they say is when you do a lot of meth you start making like really poor judgment calls you're like oh this is fine this is fine this is gonna work so he started uh stockpiling meth in his fucking basement like just it would stank and like his you open the door to his basement like what the fuck is down there just big paint buckets filled with math everywhere and that that can burn your body it'll like jack you up if you put it on your skin it'll burn through within

an hour really yeah that's why those guys have those they touch it when they cut it up and then they touch their face and that's how they get those holes in their face i thought they started itching like they would start scratching themselves right no it's the touch and then the touch becomes the crater or the pimple then they they start picking at that yeah i had a buddy he'd walk around with like band-aids everywhere oh man i was like fuck dude you need to chill so this girl was all hopped up on my baby's mom yeah yeah the girl when you were 20 yep and then but but back then i belonged to a gang, and every gang has their hustle. Some gangs sell wax. Some gangs sell weed.

Some gangs sell guns. Ours was speed. That was our hustle. Somebody was fucking somebody that could have got it, and we got it. Wow. Yeah. But it was weird, because this is like 1998. I remember we drove like a... You remember when the Thunderbird, the Ford car was cool?

Yeah, the new one, right? But it was in 1998. Yeah. Yeah, I remember we had one and we were just like, yeah. Those were dope. Those bitches from the 818. And yeah, it was fucking fun. You know what's weird about speed is when i was in prison you could tell that these people

are still tweakers because you know how you light a lighter your thumb goes down and then when you hit the pipe you spin your finger in this way so that's how you're hitting a speed pipe because you're spinning it i used to play handball with this guy and he would do it every fucking time he would just spin this hand and like light the lighter oh he would like make the movements his fingers while he's playing handball hey dog you do like we call it bomb hey you do bomb he's like wow you got something i haven't done in two years i was like fuck we used to make fun of him like hey don't hit the pipe serve the ball so for two years later he's still making those motions it's your body craves it you can see it in people their body is just like i need

that motion you notice when you see people doing the spinning with the lighter they're tweakers wow that's like something i discovered you noticed it yeah pattern recognition yeah thank you yeah well it's amazing that two years out he was still wanting it no in prison yeah i mean two years out of away from it yeah oh feening it wow feening couldn't wait oh see that's a guy that just can't get it it's not like he's like gotten sober he just can't get it yeah there's a lot of those guys i mean like there's a lot of people that when they go to prison they're not druggies because to be a druggie in prison is to be looked frowned upon so you're a man in there and when you're in there you're like fuck that i'm gonna work out i'm gonna be strong and then when you get out it's temptation you're

good looking you're healthy again you're getting it that's that's the weird part of prison so most of the guys so when when a guy's a junkie and he goes into prison do they try to clean up or they try to get it well you have to clean up because if you don't clean up they're gonna call you a jay cat a Jay cat is like equivalent of a bum but in prison if you're a jay cat you're You're gonna get picked on people gonna laugh at you. You don't want to like you want to be clean and healthy Really? Yes, that's interesting because that's like contrary to what a lot of people would think about prison They would think you know, you go to prison you gave up hope and now you just let yourself go and i mean that's what you think because you're out there but when you're in there you notice people look at you and you want

people to like i used to look at fools on drugs and be like this fucking dude all right yeah here's the soap i know you don't got money because you're wasting it on everything here's the soup i wanted to be that guy that was just oh look at you know homie's clean he takes care of himself he's a man of his word and that's what people want is when you get out it's there is that like one of the bigger misconceptions about prison like when you talk to people that haven't been to prison don't know anything about prison what do you think like the big misconceptions the big misconception is uh do you get fucked in the ass do you get raised that's the big one right yeah and i'm like that shit is not even allowed like you'll get killed for that

shit because everyone's watching gangland and they're watching um what's that lock up msnbc yeah and those are only protective custody of yards they're never interviewing a real prison yard where the shit's rules are rules that's it you don't make them you don't break them you follow them so like when you see that you ever watch that i think it was locked up the they had that dude was the booty bandit you ever see that one and i was like i was watching that i was like how much of that guy is like just making shit up yeah like there are stories they used to make up this guy used to tell me hey dog back in the days there was this black guy in corcoran and if you fucked up the

guards would throw you in his cell and they used to call him purple passion and they said he's the rip fools apart and i was like what the fuck in my head i was like i will i'll bite him i'll do whatever no you're no yeah and that's and the other thing is is um that we work all day and we break rocks and shit yes no like let me give you a say me and your sellies and uh usually have a job that job gives you 13 to 38 cents an hour i was a butcher So I had the highest paying job You would you would have been a butcher too. So we would get up at four o'clock Take a shower Clean our room clean our cell we'd go to work

Come back then eat with our people Go to yard Fuck around for a little bit try to find a cigarette or something Go back to yard. Fuck around for a little bit. Try to find a cigarette or something. Go back to yard. And then, boom, come back to the cell. And, like, that's it. It's like a program, another life. I took college courses in there.

I was a janitor. It's fucking crazy. I can just sit back and be like, fuck, man. Sometimes I miss it. I'm just like, I wish I was on the yard working out with these guys and playing basketball. Because the camaraderie of like, oh, it was just awesome. That's so crazy. So it was fun sometimes.

Fuck yeah. Really? Fuck yeah. It was fun until like 12 o'clock hit or 9 o'clock hit. And I'm like, fuck, I want to go do a spot. Get me the fuck out of here. Right. And then I i'm like fuck i want to go do a spot get me the fuck out of here right and then i'm just like i can't go home i can't go home i can't go home and then my last prison there was a park like 50 yards away from us and you're just looking at the

window like fuck i want to go play the catch wow yeah yeah so there was moments it was fun but ultimately the the big thing is the lack of freedom you can you can have fun while you're there but you can't choose what you can do yeah yeah lack of freedom and then you know prison cops are completely different from cops on the street they're called correctional officers and in there there's a respect like when they see you hey good morning how you doing today everybody gets a good morning and if you know if you're fucking up his program to make him go out of his way it's your fault but if he wants to be testy then you got to do what you got to do

if he wants to be testy like how like you know there's these cops that go in there and they they've had a problem you know i i could see why racism exists in prison because maybe there's these cops that go in there and they they've had a problem you know i i could see why racism exists in prison because maybe there's this cop that came from soledad and now he's going to another prison and when he only reason he left soledad is because all the medskins jumped his ass so he's gonna have a little like all right motherfuckers you got me over there yeah it's weird they transfer them like that and then like if you don't jump in i've seen cops talk shit on other cops like oh fuck that fool there was a riot he didn't do shit oh really so it's a lot like prisoners in some way yeah they are too because they're there 18

hours a day or 12 i mean they just get to go home they do that long a shift yeah it's a 12 hour shift why they do such a long shift that's their union they get a lot of hours but they only work four days a week oh okay that's probably better i'd probably rather work 12 hours a day four days a week than eight hours a day yeah five day have that whole extra day to do whatever the fuck you want to do because your day i feel like your day's kind of wrecked anyway when you work eight hours It's hard to get anything in I used to be a construction worker before this and I hated that shit before comedy Yeah, yeah, I did construction when I was a kid my stepfather was an architect. So I got a lot of jobs on That's cool construction sites and I just remember being exhausted

That was the thing that I remember most was it like residential or housing tracks? Most of it was residential but occasionally we would would do, like we did a Nights at Columbus Hall. I was working with my friend Jimmy and his boss. It was a different construction company. But that was the hardest job I ever had in my life because all I did the whole summer was, I only survived for a couple weeks. I quit. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I was carrying cement bags and pressure treated lumber all day. Fuck. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I was carrying cement bags and pressure treated lumber all day.

Fuck. I was 19. I remember thinking it was so motivating because I was thinking like, this is not going to work. I can't do this for my life. I was 19. You're at the peak of your energy. Yeah.

And it was in the summer, so it was hot. It was Boston, so it was muggy. Were you bald? No. You didn't have a shaved head or anything? No, no, not back. It was Boston, so it was muggy. Were you bald? No. You didn't have a shaved head or anything? No, no, not back then. Okay. Because the sun beats your ass.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I had a beautiful head of hair back then. Oh, it was lovely. But all day carrying bags of cement and pressure-treated lumber, which is heavy as fuck. And then you get these splinters in your hand that get all infected because the pressure treated lumber has a some sort of chemicals in it yeah it has like a something so the board doesn't bend because the board bends with the sun yeah it was brutal but i remember thinking this is a good lesson because now because i used to think i'll just get a good job work all day then after work i'll do whatever the fuck i want to do but i remember thinking nope that's not gonna work

you're not gonna have any fucking energy you're going to have any energy yeah i used to be a cement finisher that was some we used to do curb and gutter but we'd do it out of a machine you ever seen those curb machines yeah it was a gomeco i remember at 1500 we used to pour 40 trucks a day whoa and i used to like it was weird like my boss would look at me like if i was like a mexican that he didn't know i was a citizen. So I'd be like, hey, dog, we're pouring 40 trucks and they're pouring 20. Why are they making as much money as us? He'd be like, let's go back over there.

Get out of here. I'd be like, hey, I'm a fucking citizen, dog. My name starts with a G. Like, come on. And we were union. So it was, yeah, I got out of it. the G, like, come on. And we were union.

So it was, yeah, I got out of it. That's the thing about California in general that a lot of people don't realize. The massive amount of illegal aliens. That's why I always laugh when they say, well, there's, you know, 18 million people in the greater Los Angeles area. I'm like, plus Mexicans. Try to do the calculation. You don't know what that number is. Nobody knows. It's a total guess. That would be like the guess of guesses. Yeah. Try to do the calculation. You don't know what that number is. Nobody knows.

It's a total guess. That would be like the guess of guesses. Yeah. How the fuck could they know? That should be the lottery. If you can guess how many illegal immigrants are in, you win the lottery. Yeah. You get a dollar for everyone.

That would be insane. Yeah. This is probably, I don't know. I mean, I would just guess it would be millions, right? It'd have to be. It's not easy to get over here. And that's just Mexicans. You're missing Russians, El Salvadorians, Canadians.

Yeah, Canadians. A lot of illegal Canadians because they blend right the fuck in. So they say about, you have no idea. And they're like, about? And they're like, what? We got one. We found him. How long were you in prison for? I did no idea. And they're like, a boat? And they're like, what? We got one. We found him. How long were you in prison for?

I did three years. Two years, 11 months. So they just say three. Tell me a story about it, because you were telling me at the comedy store. It's kind of a fucked up story. Yeah. So, you know, before I was a comedian, I was a gangster, and I did construction. And then I used to play sports a lot.

I was real good in basketball. And I was playing at the park. And, you know, basketball is a sport and I did construction. And then I used to play sports. I was real good in basketball. And I was playing at the park. And, you know, basketball is a sport that's very physical. You know, when you back someone in at the park, there's no ref. Right. So this fool's backing me in and trying to muscle me. So I'm like, all right. I go around him and I steal the ball and it's all foul.

I'm like, all right, here you go. Take it. So now me and him get physical and he elbows me. And I had to check myself like hold up like you're in my this is how i used to think back then joe i'm like you're in my city i got jumped into my gang at this park how am i gonna let you elbow me so i socked him and we went at it and I beat his ass bad. Like you ever fight someone that like they don't stop. You know what I mean?

Like, I mean, I'm sorry. Like a lot of people look at me like, no, I've never had that problem. I'm like, this guy wanted to kick my ass, but I like I didn't want to hurt him. So I just drop him and i throw him to the floor need a mug jamie yeah man there's uh there's some people that won't fucking quit yeah and if you're beating their ass yeah so those people are dangerous fuck yeah so i this is the funny part is i left him like i beat his ass and ran to my car i was like i need to go. So I get in my car. I get to my car and I take off. All right, cool.

I become a comedian maybe like a year and a half later. I become a comic. Trying, you know what I mean? Like, you know, everyone says, oh, I'm a comic. I've gone up four or five times. Like, you know, I'm trying to be a comic. And I get a good break. Jeff garcia good guy man picks me up because hey you're my new opener i'm like fuck all right so it's like four months in the comedy

and i'm doing the improv not even knowing i'm just like talking to the crowd what's going on like i'm probably like the best trollo salesman making people laugh that's all i'm doing no i don't even know jokes yet i'm trying them them. Then I get jokes. And then, uh, I'm good at roasting and MTV, your mama comes out and I get picked up for that show. And I win my first episode.

Fucking guy that I beat up sees me on TV. And he's like, Oh shit, cash money. This fool gots money. So this is the crazy part is a lot of people say oh there's statute of limitations and all that

since it's a John Doe crime it doesn't have it if you don't know who beat you up you don't have a limit of restrictions so until they find out who beat you up then the statute of limitations I don't even know that's how horrible my lawyer was

wow that seems crazy so if you beat somebody up 50 years ago and they just found out your name they can they could still sue you or take you to jail i don't yeah i mean i think it's i don't know probably like five so what year is this when this is all going on 2004 2000 no this is 2002 2003 because i fought it for two years because my brother bailed me out i was still filming mtv wow so my brother bails me out he's like all right check this out got me a lawyer and all the crap oh shit i remember just going to court dude. Just that whole like what the hell is going on. I stopped like I'm not They offered me eight years They're like look at take eight years because he has a great bodily injury this guy that I beat up He has a metal plate and he's all fucked up and they're like take eight years and I was like some metal plate his cheek

Yeah, right here orbital fracture yeah oh shit i see a lot of those okay yeah i mean i caught him good yeah like i think i caught him like just perfect punch yeah well all this stuff around the eyes breaks pretty easy all this stuff okay orbital stuff it's super common in mma especially okay it was weird because they were trying to say i used a weapon they're like there's no way you could have done that and I was like, oh, that's crazy. Yeah I was like I didn't use a weapon so I Bell out I'm doing a comic Being a dad. I think I'm gonna win this case That's the funny part because I was like dude nobody was there nobody seen me

But then I think you admit that you beat him up No See I couldn't even take the stand because I already knew if I take the stand, that makes me look like a snitch and I'm not going to go into prison. So if you take the stand and talk about the fight, it makes you look like a snitch? Yeah, because you're like, he started it. He did it. It's just the, you know, it's the politics of I had to accept the fact where I was coming from. And it was the punishment.

That was like when I started realizing in my head, like, all right, dog, you chose this. Now you have to accept this. You're not going to be one of those guys that says, oh, rats amount and you get away with it. No. So I didn't take the stand and I lost. Wow. Well, if you did take the stand, what could you possibly have said? I think I would have incriminated myself.

Because I mean, in my head, I remember like, fuck, you've never been to court. So when you go to court, like they assign a jury. And when you go, they give you like a lunch break and you go eat. My stupid ass went and ate like where the jury was eating. And I could tell the way they were looking at me because I'm in a suit when i go to burry can't take my suit off i'm like fuck this i'm all tatted up they're like look at this guy right like they just threw judgment on me and i remember my brother telling me you look like you had no remorse you were in there laughing in court and i was just like fuck i didn't know I didn't know you know what I mean like fuck it

yeah it's court cases I would imagine would be so difficult too because no one wants to do fucking jury duty like my friend Andreas Antonopoulos was here the other day was talking about how he got out of jury duty by just explaining how much he knows about the judicial system how corrupt he

thinks it is and how fucked up he thinks it is and they were like get out of here. Yeah. This is kicked him out. Nobody wants to do jury duty, especially if you like your job and you do something that you enjoy. Now you're going to spend eight hours a day, you know, trying to deliberate and figure out.

People make such quick judgments. I think it's a terrible way to decide whether or not someone's guilty or innocent. Yeah, you're exactly right. And it's weird because like the jury, like I think they wanted it was a weird it was like an ex-cop and i was like why did you let this ex-cop get on the panel i'm already guilty because of my look right right you know it's like imagine if these cops that are shooting people the whole panel is prisoners yeah that would be hilarious you know what i mean yeah good luck so yeah so all right joe check this out so now i'm out i think i'm

gonna win it boom joey diaz calls me up hey we're gonna do showtime by asshole comedy slam i was like what the fuck he gets me on by asshole comedyso Comedy Slam. So I get on Showtime. I did Comedy Central. I did like a sketch comedy. And then I go to court. Boom. I lose. And usually when you lose, they let you go home.

All right, you know, come back. But since I was a high risk inmate now, they took me right there. Like from court in a suit straight to the holding tank. Ooh. Yeah, that was a shock. Ooh. And my show time hasn't even come out yet. I haven't even seen this thing.

So it's like everything I worked for got took. That's how I looked at it at that time. I won't forget that day. I walked down there i had his fucking suit on i remember everybody looking at me like damn this fool's a baller i was like no i just lost my case i wasn't on the street and then from there you go to the county because now they got to give you a sentencing a judge has to come up with the sentence are you kind of familiar with this? So a month in the county jail, a riot breaks out.

Now, I have to involve myself. I know where I'm at. I know what's going on. So now they put me in the hole and I got to go to court to get sentenced. So you have to involve yourself. You have to pick a side. You have to fight. Yeah. What's the riot about? i don't know i just seen my people fighting other people and you just you don't ask questions there's no questions to be asked and let me and let me give

you a picture of what's going on it's uh it's like a huge fuck it's kind of like uh it's on msnbc where they got all the cells on top and on the bottom and then there's like a bit we call it the bubble where the police are it's a big bubble and uh there was a riot happening like all on the whole other side so we had to run down there and then they come in and they shoot you with uh paintball guns but they have like peppermints not peppermint pepper spray in them they're shoot you with paintball guns, but they have like pepper spray in them. They're shooting you with paintball guns, pepper spray, block guns, rubber band, all that shit's flying off in there. And you're trying to run back to your bunk.

The only way to get out of a riot is to show they look at everybody's hands and they say, hey, no, your hands are marked. Any mark you have, you're going to the hole. So if you have marks on your hands, it indicates that you punched somebody. Yes. Even if you got punched. Got to throw elbows. Yeah. You don't do that in there.

No, it gets crazy, man. Like some people will throw hot water on you. Ooh. Yeah. It's all out for everybody. But this is just a county. And did you ever find out what the riot was about? No.

You don't ask questions. Wow. Yeah. The more questions you ask, the more like people want to, oh, you want to find out who did? All right, Mr. Investigator, come on, we got something for you.

So I just, I stay quiet. No. All right. And if, yeah, I was just like, hey, I was there. Cool, cool, cool. So you just knew

what you had to do. You knew what your role had to be in order to stay safe. Yeah. Dude, I've heard other stories from like other inmates that are like, yeah, dog, I went to Chino and there was a riot going on. And I told myself, fuck, if I don't get in this, I'm going to have to pay. He's like, I just ran and I jumped into it and he got stabbed wow yeah but he goes hey dog i got my stripes and i was like wow yeah what is a stripe what do you mean by stripes well stripes is kind of like a saying like you know this homie's down this guy's down

every i don't know how other races do it but like you know it's like hey i i've been with this fool in the yard he's down for his you know because you want to be by someone that you're in there to protect your life right so you want to be with people like that you know what i mean i mean you're trying to go home and better yourself but at the end of the day nah so in a lot of ways like with a riot you want someone that's like a soldier. You want a soldier. You don't want a soldier going asking the sergeant, hey, sergeant, what is the plan? Why are we doing this?

Do we know who these people are? What do they do to us? Is this right? Is there HR? You know, you want, sir, yes, sir. That's what you want. You want someone who's just going to go. But in there's it's just

You know any little disrespect can trigger and start anything and you just have to follow suit Like if you're my Sally and the cop pushes or punches you I have to jump in for you No matter even if I'm going home that fucking day. Oh Or the next day it goes down. You have to it's just what it is So the riot breaks out you You get involved in the riot. You get thrown in the hole. And then what happens? I'm in the hole. Man, the hole is fucking horrible.

I get staff on my fucking ass on the side because they only gave me one bar of soap. And I was in there for like 28 days. And then I remember I was cleaning my toilet with it in my room with the soap. And then I ran out. So I was just my toilet with it in my room with the soap, and then I ran out, so I was just taking showers with water, and then I noticed I had like an ingrown hair on the side, and it just got infected. That's how it starts.

Yeah. Folliculitis, yeah. And it's crazy because there's a little button you can push. Like if you're dying, and I had a fever, and I remember I pushed the button. I told the guard a man And I know it's night shift and I don't want to bug you cuz man but my I didn't say like my ass is bleeding But I was like cuz you have to have the side of my ass is bleeding So you're gonna need to call a vet or not a vet

You're gonna need to call like somebody and he's just like stop playing games I'm like and they have cameras in there And I was like look so I showed him and then they come in and you got to put your arms in there because there Could be a plant. I don't know. They're scared for their life. So he handcuffs me then that gets taken care of and then I go to What's that court? And I get sentenced to three years So do you think it would have been less if it wasn't for the riot no the the riot was it was cool because at that time when it was going on there was riots breaking out everywhere and my lawyer was like listen your honor he was only in

a riot to protect his life you know how you don't know what's going on in there and the judge was cool and then a lot of my family and friends wrote letters for me telling the judge hey man this guy changed his life he's got the best peanut butter mess you can get your hands on so yeah let him out i'll hook you up yeah oh yeah so you know because a gbi it's a great bodily injury that's a a felony that carries a three year like on top of your time it's like supposed to and he goes i'm gonna strike that down and i was just like oh my god and in my head i'm thinking oh you only do half time so i'm gonna get a year and a half because he even told me you're doing good guy but somebody got hurt and i was like all right so boom i hit wasco wasco's a reception yard where like if you're from orange county la bakersfield and i think some part Riverside, they send you to that yard for reception.

It's where you, for 90 days, you're on lockdown, 23-hour lockdown, and you only get like an hour of day room. And they're evaluating you to see how you act with other inmates. Where are they going to put you? Are they going to put you on a level four yard, a three yard a level two yard yeah do you know what a level four level three two is no give me the difference a level four yard is for people that um have a lot of points like violent crime like oh he's in here for carjacking kidnapping on all that you're going on a level four yard you're going to be on a 23 hour lockdown and you're there with killers lifers people doing 10 to 50 into 20 years a level three yard is the same thing but you're programming you're getting you know it goes down

though it goes down but it's chill then there's a level two yard where it's like all right this guy got three years left you know we try to get him an outside job a little more money and then level one yard is like you could walk around in sandals i've heard i've never been on that i heard you could walk around like in sandals there's a microwave in the day room there's an ice machine so what is that for like white collar crime no a level one yard would be like this guy's been locked up for 10 years on drugs he's going home he's done all nine years one year left put him in a level one yard because he's proved he can program as long as you're not like causing problems the point system makes you drop. I think it's from 1 to 17 is level 1 yard. And 17 to 32 is the level 2 yard. And then 32 to 40-something is level 3.

And then it goes up. Up to life. Yeah. Like, I knew buddies that were like, hey, how many points you got? I go, I'm lucky. Like, they sent me to a level 2 yard after I was on a 3 yard. And he was like, oh my god, like these inmates treated like you're going to a level two. Oh my god Cuz they're like you're gonna you can have a TV in your cell. It's like it's yeah, it's like a

Heaven Wow. Yeah, the foods better. No Wow. Yeah, the food's better. Oh. Man, so much shit about prison. I miss food now and there. You miss food in prison? Yeah. What kind of food did you get in prison?

We used to make food spreads. And I worked in the butcher shop. So I would sneak meat in my socks. I'd wrap it up in like saran wrap. And I'd put it in my boots. And this boot, I had big old fireman boots. And I would fit two like, two sandwiches in each boot. saran wrap and i'd put it in my boots and this boot i had big old fireman boots and i would uh fit two like two sandwiches in each boot and that's like eight bucks in prison that's fucking

that's money especially if you make it 38 cents an hour right yeah so we'd bring it back this time i'm living in dorm hundred man dorm and we would bring it back and me and all my friends my people we'd cut it up. Everyone would have a job. Like, all right, dog, I don't got nothing to pitch in, but I'll prepare the food, and I'll clean all the dishes when we're done. All right, cool. Everybody would contribute, and then we'd make, like,

our bunk is equivalent from here to that chair, and we would eat on a bunk. We'd put, like, a big piece of paper, and we would just on a bunk we put like a big piece of paper and we just it'd be cup of noodles doritos slim jims cheese uh that shit pork grinds beans rice corn nuts anything that we had and we would just mix it in that's dinner and did anybody ever like uh the like the prison guards ever come by and

get you get in trouble for this or checking on you no that's routine they know what we're doing so they don't have a problem with it no they don't as long as what i notice in prison they just don't want no one to overdose or fight that's it. I remember this one guy, like, we're not a lot of talk to guards. I could hear them talking to each other. This one guy goes, man, I hate my job. I'm the fucking most overpriced babysitter in the world. All I have to do is make sure these guys don't kill each other. And they're in here for killing each other.

Fuck. Yeah. So, yeah. It's pretty crazy. and what did you cook it on oh that that's good idea i mean good question so uh we get this thing called a stinger like there's so many brilliant like inventions people make in prison this guy would get a cord from the radio cut it in half get a metal piece and connect like some we'd make like this thing and then you plug it into the wall and drop it into like a five gallon water bucket like those buckets and then we put all the food in a plastic bag so the water wouldn't hit it but it would steam cook it that's how we would cook whoa. There was even paisas that can make grills.

Like, because there's a metal shop in there. Like, you work metal. Like, us as prisoners, like, the prison doesn't call plumbing to fix the prison. We have our own plumbing crews. Like, inmates are plumbers. Inmates are everything. So we learn to fix all this stuff. are everything so we learned to fix all this stuff and you know when it's there you're like damn i want to make a grilled cheese sandwich so where we were at they had those old heaters that are metal

and you get your bread and you put in the brown bag and you put it in there and 20 minutes later it melted and it's a grilled cheese wow what is the fine art of cooking in prison what is this jamie i was trying to find the stinger i found a couple What is this? The fine art of cooking in prison? What is this, Jamie? I was trying to find the stinger. I found a couple pictures, but this is a better picture. Yeah. Okay, so he's got wires attached to toenail clippers. Oh, yeah. That's another way, too.

And the toenail clippers get hot and electrified, and they boil the ramen noodles. Wow. The stinger is the one on the far left. That one right there? You see how it's in there and that's how we did it but we did it with the five gallon wow yeah there was this guy that could he would put lowry's is a dressing right sauce yeah he would like a spice right yeah he would get the spice and he would put water in it and he would plug it into the fucking wall for somehow.

And this little spring, like a, a spring would light up like, and that's how he used to light a cigarette. He's like, Whoa. Yeah. And I'd be like,

this fool made a lighter. Well, they make their own tattoo guns too, right? That's all my tattoos. 80% of my tattoos are from prison. Wow. Now, is that legal in prison?

No. No. No, because that's how you get... Infections, I'm sure. That's their other big thing. What's that thing called? I don't know. Somebody has it, but yeah.

But I love my tattoos. Hepatitis? Yeah, hepatitis is huge. Right. Because everyone's sharing needles, but no one does that really. You get your own needle, and you take care of it. I've used my same needle the whole three years I was there. Your same tattoo needle?

Yeah. And did you make it? Yeah, you get a guitar string is what they use, but that's huge. You see how this is way thicker? That's a guitar string is what they use, but that's huge. Like, you see how this is way thicker? That's a guitar string. And that hurt. And this is more of like, we use like the wire because there's wire brush on the brooms. So we just take the little things off and sharpen them up, sanitize it.

Wow. Yeah. And how are they using the, like, how are they doing the tattoo like what is tapping the ink in is are they doing it by hand no there's a uh you get a a motor from a walkman or like a walkman's in prison tapes and cds or there's no fucking downloads in there joe you can't but cassette tapes cassette tapes i used to have the Beastie Boys in there. I gave it to my boy when I left. Like, hey, man, it's kind of like fucking being locked up in American Pickers. Like old technology is existing hardcore in prison.

Wow. And so Walkman, if the Walkman messes up, they take the motor out. And then they make it just like the shop. They got a little gas pedal. They just wire it up. Wow. Yeah, there it is. Exactly.

So what is that? That looks like an ink pen. Well, it's a pencil, and then he's just, that right there is the motor in the back. That's the motor for it. It's a button. So the button attaches to the motor, and there's a string on that, so it goes up and down,

so it forces the needle to go up and down. Oh, see, here it goes. Drive pin on top of the motor, to the motor. Yes. And there's a string on that, so it goes up and down. So it forces the needle to go up and down. Oh, see, here it goes. Yeah. Drive pin on top of the motor turns the spindle. Turning the spindle causes the connecting pin to rotate as the back end of the drive rod rotates. With the pin, the needle moves backwards and forwards. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. And then you have to make your own ink. So what are you doing for ink? So you get the newspaper and you burn it in a brown bag. And you just let it burn. And then the ink from the paper becomes ashes. And you get all these ashes and you put it in like this. Or like a little Advil or like a little aspirin thing.

And you put two little rocks in there, three, and then a little bit of water. And shake that shit for three or four days and it'll become the ink again. Three or four days? Yeah. It's a long process. I had to figure out the process. Come on, you got all day. You got plenty of time.

Yeah. I mean, you don't do it like for 24 hours. You just come back, let it sit, let it sit. Because I've had tattoos that fall off like the the ink on this one it wasn't done right oh i see and it's faded off yeah because they didn't let it sit exactly wow so all those like the stomach one all that shit is all yeah the stomach one i'll never forget painful huh fuck it's not that it was painful is uh the gooners came in and hit the house like the gooners yeah i remember i was telling you in prison they have a SWAT team too

it's called the gooners these are ceos that specialize in gang any gang activity any riot anybody has contraband like they just come in and raid the whole yard like do you know what i mean by like like throwing mattresses everywhere ripping shit up so i'm getting this tattoo on my stomach and they come in and i'll catch you in the middle again no i hit it you hit it covered my shit up my friend he cheeked it he you see how little they cheeked it. He, you see how little that. Cheeked it. Yeah. He took the, uh, the pin top off and just threw it in the trash. And then he put the motor up, not up his ass, but like in the ass, like cheeked it. He put it in a napkin. And, uh, I was, I just remember he was like, Hey man, I don't think I'm gonna be able to

come tomorrow. So do you want to finish this? I was like, let's go, dog. We just sanitized it. Wow. Yeah. We stole Lysol. I mean, we didn't steal it.

It's ours. It's the prison. So we just, we took it. And that was my little thing. They don't let you have Lysol. Why is that? Because they're worried you're going to spray it on people or light it on fire? So it's like.

I think you light Lysol on fire and spray people. Okay. Yeah. But it's kind of like, do you know how much diseases and shit is in there? I would imagine quite a bit. Dudes are cheeking tattoo machines. I would imagine that's not sanitary. That's crazy.

So if you had gotten caught getting the tattoo, what would happen? Oh. So if you get caught now, I think they give you a 115. Now, 115 can make you get bad points. So, like, say I'm on a level two yard and I get caught getting tatted. They're like, hey, homie, we don't want this here. That's for the crazier yards. So they ship you over there.

Wow. Just for a tattoo. Yeah, because to them, you've hurt your body. That's hilarious. Yeah. There's some good tattoo artists in prison, though. I've seen some great work that came out of prison. There's some bomb-ass guys in there.

Yeah, there's some websites that are dedicated to great tattoo art from prison. See if you can find some of that. But some of those guys are, like, legit artists. Like, as good or close to it is like mr. cartoon like that level I've seen some like highly seen some yeah I mean I'm pretty sure mr. cartoon rumors are I don't know I won't call it but I know artists that do their friends are doing life in prison and they send them patterns look at that yeah that is from fucking jail yeah that amazing. And that's not with no shop.

You can't Google, expand, none of that. Damn, look how good that is. Yeah. That's Tom Hardy, right? The one on the left from- Charles Bronson. From Bronson. Yeah, I love that movie.

Well, it's not Charles Bronson, right? It's from Bronson, the movie Bronson. Yeah. I love that movie. It was about a crazy prisoner. Yeah, he was off. I think he's from England. Yeah. you seen that movie yeah a long time ago that I hardly remember it but I remember he's still locked up that guy is really

40 years in solitary confinement now whoa four zero four zero that can't be good no yeah that's not good tattoo artist praises Charles Bronson oh is, it is Charles Bronson. So Bronson, the movie, the guy's name is Charles Bronson. Just a different Charles Bronson. Award-winning tattoo by the prisoner himself. Oh, wait a minute, Jamie. That's not a prison tattoo then. See, it's saying tattoo artist praised for Charles Bronson.

Award-winning tattoo by the prisoner Charles Bronson. I was saying. Let me give you better code words when you Google. Prison tattoos. Arte, A-R-T-E, D-E, prison. Look at that dude all over his face. That seems like a weird choice. Oh, man, I see those all day in there.

Yeah, that's an odd choice. Is that dudes that are just doing life and they're like, fuck it? Yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, at the same time, man, there's a lot of people in there that are, that's all they know. Right. You know, dad has it. Mom has it. Everybody has it.

And those are soldiers right there. That's just letting you know it's going down. Do not walk this way. It goes down. Well, if you're willing to do that to your face, you don't have a whole lot to lose. Yeah. The face tattoos are rough, that's a that's a strange look is that no because you can't get no color in prison you can't no it'd be too hard to

make right unless i mean i don't know if they sneak it in i mean they sneak in pretty much anything right i don't think no one's trying to sneak in tattooing tattooing for that risk maybe you would if you knew the dude was just so fucking good. Like if you were doing time with a dude who was a known tattoo artist, like Aaron De La Vadova is a guy who did all my work in San Diego. If I was locked up with that dude, I'd try to sneak some tattoo ink in. I'd be like, hey, fuck the weed. I bought this ink.

Let's go to work, man. Let's get some shit done. Oh, but I mean, see, that would be his hustle in there. So I'm pretty sure if he's that good, he'd come around to get people to make it. That's people's hustle. That's all they do. Yeah. Like for this tattoo, I only paid a pack of cup of noodles.

Cup of noodles. Yeah. Now, is that what currency is in prison? Yes. Cigarettes, cup of noodles? Well, cigarettes isn't currency, but it is because it's banned. It used to be currency, but it's food. It's banned now.

Yeah. It's food and any material items. So you can't get any cigarettes in prison at all? It's not legal at all? I mean, you can get them, but- But it's not legal? No, yeah. Wow.

So if you are a cigarette person, you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, you go to cigarettes in prison at all it's not i mean you can get them but it's not legal no yeah wow so if you are a cigarette person you smoke three packs cigarettes a day you go to jail sit cold turkey that was the first time i stopped oh yeah yeah i didn't get a cigarette for the first 10 months wow yeah and then i had a celly that came from santa barbara and in santa barbara they let you have cigarettes in their farming so hom a homie snuck it. I don't know how he did it, but. Probably up his own. Yeah.

So when you're farming, like you're out there farming in Santa Barbara, then you can have cigarettes? Yeah, because it's an outside facility. Oh, okay. It's not entrapped in the building. Oh, okay. So is the idea about smoking in the building that you don't want people to get secondhand smoke or something like that? Is that what it is? I think.

I mean, that's what they said. This is 2000. This happened in 2006, 2007. So, the laws might have changed. It was interesting because when I first moved here in 94, you could still smoke in bars. You could smoke everywhere. Everywhere had cigarettes. I believe that Comedy Store had cigarettes, if I remember correctly, I believe they had ashtrays on every table if I remember correctly

Yeah, yeah, if I remember correctly, I know a lot of clubs I worked at had smoking until the 2000s Dallas was one of the last holdouts I should do the Addison improv and they would still have smoking. But they would have like, then they started having like an 8 p.m. non-smoking show for all the tea toddlers. But I didn't mind it. You know, I know it's probably bad for you. But then I started hearing about women that would be like waitresses in bars, and they would work there for 15 years and get lung cancer. And it's like, oh, that's real.

Yeah. That's when I was like, because I was against it, too against it too like what the fuck i can't smoke it's america and then you're like oh i'm fucking her up it's all my bad yeah so when you went away how hard was it to quit cigarettes was that one of the hardest things to do ah you know you're fuck i never thought of this but your mind i mean you're looking for it. You're aggravated. But nah. But you weren't doing this, like the tweaker spinning his fingers. You weren't doing this thing with your finger. People would be like, what the fuck is he trying to do?

Did you go back to smoking when you got out? Yeah. I had to. Because I was smoking in there. You were? I was getting them later because I had that butcher job. So I was trading meat for cigarettes all day. day like a couple cigarettes here and there fuck yeah like how many kids you get a day man i was living like a baller joe really smoked a cigarette every day

for at least a year wow like a baller one cigarette one cigarette sometimes more sometimes more and that one cigarette was like oh here it comes yeah no it was weird because making me want to smoke i don't know like i had a lighter too so when you have a lighter you can light other people's cigarettes so you're like hey let me use your lighter like nah nah nah let me light that for you here you go so yeah it was fun it was fun stupid ass for me wow so when you got do you smoke now still yeah i still smoke how much you smoke i smoke about a day i say a pack a day but if i could i have a lot of things to do a pack and a half wow yeah but you know what i've dropped everything else no more peanut butter meth no No, I haven't done that ever. Like, fuck that.

Like, I don't do nothing else. And I just, I mean, I smoke weed, but that's medicine. And what kind of, that's what I'm saying. Now, what kind of, like, weightlifting facilities do they have in gyms or in prison? Because I've heard some prisons, they're trying to take that out. They have taken it out. They're saying it makes prisoners more dangerous. Yeah.

You know who took it out too? It was Arnold. Arnold was the one that took out Sugar. That is fucking crazy. Yeah. The bodybuilding champion. That guy took out the weights? Yeah.

Wow. That's fucked up. That is fucked up. Yeah. So like we have to improvise. So when you're in prison, you have jumpsuits. And everyone wears big clothes. So you cut the leg off your jumpsuit and you sew the bottom and you sew the sides and then you get the other leg and you do the same thing and then you fill it up with sand. Now you have a heavy bag.

So it's probably like 40 pound bag. And then you put you just get a tailor guy in there. If you know how to do it you put two little handles and now you can do curls or you can do forward raises it's like what anything water weights i mean we it's wild how we still work out in there wow so when you were there and you were working out there wasn't any weights no there's no weights allowed at all because you know how many people were how much people were killing each other? With weights? Yeah, just imagine. Yeah.

You owe money and you're doing fucking bench press and somebody just hits you with the 45 plate on the head. It's a one hit. But that was always the scenes in the movies, man. Yeah. Those dudes in the weight room. It looked dope. I wanted to do it.

Hmm. Yeah. Imagine those old little benches. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they do have them on benches. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they do have them on level one yards. Really?

Fire camp. Now they made it like a privilege. Like if you're in fire camp. What's fire camp? Fire camp is all the inmates. They make them go brush the fire for all these huge fires. Oh, okay. All the inmates are like they're fighting

the fires and then they they only do one third of their time that's awesome but you can't be a violent offender in there so i was disqualified from that so they do that so that you could be more robust physically so you can do the job better yeah and it's just like it's a privilege they don't live in cells they live like in a room like this wow and they got bunks and they have like a little white bench crowbar but if anything happens immediately took away so every race decides nothing could ever happen here we need this for all of us so it's like a little like hey we need this do not fuck this up wow so what did you guys do for entertainment when you're in there oh shit did you do stand up

in there at all yeah i did later on that's a crazy question no one's really ever asked me that that's what joey got started you know yeah but it was different because in my last my last year and a half i'm locked up in norco so all these guards are mexican most of them are mexican and they're like i used to fucking see you at wild coyote they're like i just seen you on showtime and they're like you're at the ontario improv so you know they got together and uh they were like hey uh you want to do comedy and i was just like fuck i did not want this. I did not want to be popular. You know what I mean? Do you want to stay low key?

Yeah. Then I was just like, I don't know, man. I'm offensive. I'll say something that'll start a riot. And they're like, nah, nah, nah, nah. All the races already said you can say whatever you want. They planned this shit. I was like, all right, I'll do it.

So all the races. so you have to have like a little race no fuck yeah hell yeah so how does that go down it's i don't know i wasn't involved in it it's just so they had to like meet with maybe the guard went up to the white rep the black rep and all the reps was like hey man check it out you guys we have a celebrity comedian here that's how they pumped me up i was like motherfucker i can't even get a week at the improv but i could get a week in prison that's a good new one thank you so uh it was it was oh man it was weird i was scared as hell like no mic and they put me in the TV room and there was like 60 straight like fools like just like come on dog make us laugh and like wow you know they never heard my jokes so I did my whole set and they're

just like oh and then I guess one of the cops this is the weird part is all the cops left their dorms to come watch this show and they went back and then they told the inmates. So when I go to yard the next day, the inmates were like, hey, dog, how much you charge? Come do a show in our room. I was like, what do you mean? They're like, I heard you did comedy and everybody said it was cool. All the racists said you were cool. And I was just like, I don't think I can go to your dorm.

That's like against the code. So the cops would be like, all right, everybody give them an item and you can go in there and perform. An item? An item is like a soup, hot chocolate. So that's how people paid to come to your show? Wow. Yeah. And it got to the point where I did every one on our yard.

And I assembled like a little crew. I taught this guy how to open for me because he was cool-ass druggie from Whittier. He was stupid funny. You taught him how to do stand-up? No, he knew it, but didn't know he knew it. He knew it, but he never did it. Yeah, because I remember he'd be like, hey, dog, when I'm on the street he has fucked up teeth it's like i call girls and i'm like they're like how's your body and he's like i just smile i'm like chisel you know

i was like dog that's a setup right there like you just and he did it and uh the look on his face was cool man but i just remember he was like hey dog i'm gonna hit you up when i get out we're gonna go on the tour i'm like no no you're a fucking tweaker you know well it's fine because people that can make people laugh if i always tell people like if you can make your friends laugh you can make people you know laugh it's entirely possible you could be a comedian it's the same thing it's just matter of whether or not you get these people to allow you inside their head yeah that's really kind of what it is right yeah the true comfortableness but you know some of them wasn't like i i had a rough time a couple like first 10 minutes because fools are like i thought you were gonna do george lopez's jokes i was like no i'm not i'm i don't I'm not an impersonator. Like,

like fools were pissed. They're like, Hey dog, you didn't do any member members or nothing like that. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. So they just thought standup comedy is kind of like music.

Yeah. Yeah. Like you would just go up there and do like some hits. Yeah. They didn't know. Yeah. This is the crazy part is, uh, the warden catches wind of this shit.

And I'm in a program called SAP. It's substance abuse program. And I'm only in it because you qualify for halftime if you take this program. So the warden's like, hey, Sacramento's coming down here. I want to show them a rehabilitated criminal, whatever. I'm a felon, whatever. So I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, well, you do comedy in front of the program and sacramento but no cussing and i was like

i think this was the easiest deal i've ever made i said look i'll do it if you bring me kentucky fried chicken and soda wow joe i was just saying at the talk show, because you know how, like, when I first started getting gigs, I'd always call Joey Diaz, hey, they're going to give me 700 if I go do Vaisely.

He's like, town 2,000, dumbass. I said, no, let's give it. So after the show, he gives me two, two liters of Coke and a fucking bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Oh, man. And he was just like i remember walking back and everybody was like i gave all my people a piece and it was just like it was kind of like uh that movie uh sean shank reduction when they're drinking on the roof it was like the first time like we ate outside food like i haven't had a soda in years

right so everybody was like i was just like okay get down homies like yeah it was cool wow that's fucking cool there's something cool about appreciating something that you you just take for granted because you can get it anytime you want but when you're so restricted you get those things and it's so good yeah no dude they loved it like they loved it and it was cool because like a lot of, I mean, dude, I made friends. Like there's guys I still talk to. There's like friends. And it was, yeah, it was awesome.

Like, how can I say that? How was prison awesome? But it was. Well, people say that about war too, man. Yeah. People say that about, I think human beings need a certain amount of struggle. And then when you experience that struggle, then the non-struggle feels so much better. There's moments where, I've talked about this before, but I went hunting in Alaska on this island, Prince of Wales, and it rained every day.

We were there for six days, pouring rain, drenched. And you were hunting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the worst, like, as far as, like, getting wet and just being soaked and cold all the time. One of the worst experiences you could ever go through. Because you're just, it's always, like, 45, 50 degrees, pouring rain. And, you know, your sleeping bag's wet. The inside of your tent's wet.

Everything's wet. pouring rain, and your sleeping bag's wet, the inside of your tent's wet, everything's wet. But when I came back, I remember it was sunny out, and I called my friend Steve Rinella, who took me with him on this trip. I go, dude, I have never been happier in my life. The sun is shining. What I normally just totally take for granted, I was like, it's amazing. I love it.

I'm driving on the street. I don't think I've ever been happier. But I was that happy because I had gone through the struggle, but nobody wants to do that on their own, you know? And when you're kind of forced into a situation, I would imagine like being in prison. Then when you get that Kentucky fried chicken and you get that soda, you're like, wow, we're, we're fucking living it up right now. Yeah. Because I, I, I came from a place, they have this thing. It's called a place they have this thing it's called uh fuck i forgot what it's called but i you have money in your books everybody has money and they do like a a sell-off where they'll go to the local vons by the prison

and they'll buy you can buy sodas cookies and pizza but nobody ever had Kentucky Fried Chicken in that bitch. Like to this day, that's like, I want to put that in my bio. Had Kentucky Fried fucking chicken in prison. Kentucky Fried Chicken, I don't know what they do, but that is some special food. They just know how to do it, those fucking creeps. Kentucky Fried Chicken with El Yucateca hot sauce. When it's cold, especially. God damn. I know it's not good for you folks.

I don't eat it a lot, but it's a bad habit. Guilty pleasure. It's so good. You know what's crazy Joe? I'd be scared to go hunting. I'd trip out. I don't know. I'd be scared. I don't know. I would look at, if I was going to shoot a deer, I don't know i'd be scared like i don't know like i would look at like if i was gonna shoot a deer i'd i don't know but where you from fool like i don't i wouldn't fucking know how you know i mean or like i don't know it's crazy i trip out my dad hunted and i was like no i ain't

doing that shit i'm scared scared of what though will we be scared i'm scared like i'm gonna like i don't know like i'm scared like the deer's fucking with me and like there's like someone else gonna come get me from over here like i'm in their world right i don't know. I'm scared the deer's fucking with me, and there's someone else going to come get me from over here. I'm in their world. I don't know. It feels like their world. That's the weirdest part about the woods. When you're hunting in the woods and you lock eyes with an animal, it's almost psychedelic in some sort of a weird way.

You feel like you're in another dimension. I know that sounds so stupid when I say it. Even I hear it myself. But when you lock eyes when you're hunting you lock eyes an animal the whole the world changes it's like the whole thing you're in there and you're in a totally different environment an environment that doesn't give a fuck about you it doesn't care if you look like you're used to your street oh this is the deli that i eat at this is where i do my laundry. You know, it's all normal stuff, right? You have these patterns.

And you just see people and you see cars and like, this is my world. But then when you're in their world, you realize like, oh, this is a totally different world. This is like I went to another planet. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I mean, people try to get me to go camping. I'm like, nah, I'm cool, dog. Oh, man, you'd love it.

This thing about it is you get used to it after a while, and it becomes normal. And then once it becomes normal, you realize how peaceful it is. We're just sitting down in the grass on the top of a mountain looking out at a valley. And you go, God, this is so beautiful. You would pay, like, fuck museums. Go to that L.A. County Museum of Art, and you see these bullshit exhibits they have there. They're terrible to look at. They don't do a goddamn thing for you. Most it a modern abstract art it's fucking ridiculously stupid but

i challenge anyone to go go to colorado go to boulder colorado and look at the mountains go into the mountains and look at some of those peaks look at the continental divide it's like the most incredible piece of art you could ever see, and it's just nature. It does something to you. Yeah, me and Redman just got back from Denver, and it was cool. Denver's the shit. Yeah. I was first time there, so I wasn't used to, like, I guess somebody told me there's no water around, so you get headaches. Well, it's not that there's no water.

It's that you're at a very high altitude, and dehydration comes quicker for whatever reason. So you have to keep yourself hydrated. It's super important. I guess you just dry out the environment. But people are cool as fuck in Denver. Denver is like one of the best. It was always cool. But, you know, Denver for a long time, the city of Denver just didn't have weed laws. They're like, forget it.

We don't give a fuck. You smoke weed, do whatever you want to do. We don't care. Wow. It was like when I first started working there, which I don't even know when I first started working there. It was a long time ago. But I remember the club owners would tell you, like, this city is essentially made weed

decriminalized. Like, you don't get arrested for weed. They just don't arrest people for weed. That's awesome. That was a long time ago. Then the state was the first to get gangster and say, fuck you, federal government. That's awesome. That was a long time ago. Then the state was the first to get gangster and say, fuck you, federal government. It's legal. So you could buy weed everywhere in Denver now. In Colorado, there are weed stores everywhere now. So because of that, the economy's

booming. Real estate prices, I think they went up 14 or 16% inside of two years. Drunk driving deaths dropped to an all-time low. Viol driving deaths dropped to an all-time low. Violent crime dropped to an all-time low. It's amazing. Pills and opiate addiction dropped to an all-time low. Yeah, fuck those pills. Well, that's what's going on right now in Arizona. I don't know if you've been paying attention, but they're trying to pass it in Arizona.

They're trying to pass legal weed in Arizona. Oh, wow. And the opposition has been alcohol companies and pain pills. Those are the ones who are spending the most money trying to keep weed illegal. Yeah. My buddy grows like legally. And he told me that they invented this new light that makes your weed grow faster. But all the tobacco companies got together and bought all those lights. So every time this guy puts out new lights, the tobacco company buys them all. Wow.

And I mean, I haven't looked into it. And then he goes, the only other reason we can't make it legal here is because every time they put the THC in the rolling things to mix, like to put them in cigarettes, it gets too sticky and it messes the machines up. And I was just like, I never even thought of that. So just hire people to do it by hand yeah, go to Gino That's why they have these tubes folks see people don't understand people that live in other barbaric parts of America Well, it's hard to get weed we get these joints, and they're exactly the same every time look at that. It's goddamn perfect Yeah, it's got a little paper tube at the bottom The weed all sits in the top the problem with this stuff is like you said this is medicine It's like medicine for life, but if you smoke it people think you're a loser. That's what trips me out

Yeah, they think that you're a druggie and you're a fool something's wrong with you Fucking people try to bullshit George Perez Yeah, fucking people try to bullshit George Perez You know what's weird is I have a 20 year old son And he smokes weed and I kind of feel like an asshole cuz I'm like you can't smoke that shit around me He's like why and I said just cuz like I? Just always want to feel like your dad like just give me I gave that to my dad you gotta let it go I go. I got a 20-year-old daughter. She smokes weed. In front of you?

There's nothing wrong with it. In front of you? Not really, but she's had wine in front of me once. Oh, yeah, but he wants me to roll it for him and hit it. I'll roll it for her. Listen, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I think I'd be a hypocrite if I said there was. She's a smart girl.

She knows what the fuck is up. You know, and when she was younger, her mother caught her with it, and it was like this big deal. I'm like, bitch, you smoke weed. Why are you getting mad at her? But it's one of those things where you feel like you're supposed to get mad at people. You're supposed to tell them, I'm like, listen, this is not bad for you. But there are drugs that are bad for you.

So if I told you that this was bad for you and you realized it wasn't bad for you, first of all, I would be a massive hypocrite because I have weed tattooed on my body. I'd be a massive hypocrite. And plus, I knew she's on YouTube. She's seen videos. I mean, it's ridiculous. I talk about weed all the time. But more importantly,

she wouldn't trust me about things that are bad for you. I'd be like, stay the fuck away from that peanut butter crank. Like, that is actually bad for you. And I told her, I said, we had a nice long discussion.

I said, I've never done anything that's addictive other than alcohol. And I don't have whatever genetic predisposition to get addicted to alcohol. But I've never fucked with Coke. I've never fucked with crank. I've never fucked with heroin because I don't want to ruin my life. I said, but there are some drugs that they're fun as long as you use them in moderation.

I don't think there's anything wrong with trying mushrooms. If you do it in a safe setting, I don't think there's anything wrong with trying mushrooms. If you do it in a safe setting. I don't think there's anything wrong with smoking a little weed. I think there's plenty of things that people would throw under the same classification as drugs that they're just not bad for you, man. They're just not.

You're right. I don't know. It's just kind of like that little Mexican thing. It's like the machismo on this like my dad was. It's like, you don't do that shit in front of me. I'm glad you don't know. It's just kind of like that little, it's like a little Mexican thing. It's like the machismo on this, like my dad was. It's like, you don't do that shit in front of me. Yeah. So I'm glad you told me that. Hey, Georgie, I'm going to blaze it with you when I get home, fo.

Georgie, we're going to blaze it. He's a man. He's 20 years old. That's a man. You know, my daughter's a woman. She's a woman. It's just this thing, man. When you're looking at life, you know, we have classifications for people.

But when a person reaches a certain age, like, man, that's a grown-ass human being. That person could have babies of their own. They could go to war. They could start a family. They could start a business. You know, it's... I had a kid when I was 18. That's crazy, man.

Yeah, he's 20 now. I could have easily. We all could have, right? Yeah. I mean, anybody who's having sex could have easily had a kid when they were, you know, whatever age you started. Most people, they fuck up. They have sex with no condom. They make mistakes.

Yeah, that was some wild shit. His mom was the wild one. She was the crazy one. Yeah. Crazy. Does he still keep in touch with her? Fuck. I mean, nah.

I mean, he sees her once in a while, but I've had custody of him ever since he was five years old. Does he live with you now? He's lived with me ever since he was five. Does he want to do stand-up? He did for a little bit, but he's more like, I don't know. He's more like, both of my my kids i wish i could have been them because they they weren't i feel like i feel like i was a follower when i was a teenager because i wanted to be like a surfer skater but i also wanted to be a gangster they're surfer skaters

and they're living life like they love i love it dude my son lives by the beach he serves he like oh that's awesome yeah he works at works at In-N-Out. My other son does choir. Like all the things I wanted to do, they're doing. So that's why I'm just like. Well, you're real honest and you talk about things real honestly. And from that, they can see like mistakes. Oh, yes.

And then not have to go through them themselves. It's like I think parents that aren't honest about mistakes, I think they do themselves a disservice the way they raise their kids. Because your kid doesn't get to learn from your own fuck-ups, you know? Like, I think kids need to know that you're infallible. Or that you're not infallible. That you make mistakes. You're just a human. I think, I used to do this bit, but it really does kind of apply.

Is that when you were little, like, remember when you were little, you used to think that they were real grown-ups. Yeah. Because you used to, like, get upset about something. You go, one day I'm going to be a grown-up and everything's going to make sense. But it's never going to make sense. It's never going to make sense. I'm 49 years old. This doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense to me.

Fuck no. It doesn't make sense at all. It's crazy. The life to this day is still so bizarre. There's no grownups. You just get older. And then one day you realize like, oh, like I just got to find out how to be happy. That's all you have to do.

How to find out, be happy and create camaraderie. Like create camaraderie amongst your friends and amongst your family and amongst the people that you love. Spread as much of that as you can like that's what this is all about straight up just try to enjoy it as much as you can whatever this is enjoy as much as you can everything else is a trap everything else is a trap all the other thoughts are traps collecting the most shit and having the biggest house and all that and you know being the most famous or selling the most records or you know whatever the fuck you do you know selling the most the most million dollar

houses almost all of its bullshit yeah some people just go out on missions man i got a brother like that i love you but he's great like i think he made me how i am i got i got five brothers well all my older brothers are like teachers, like super successful. Not that I'm not, but it's just like you can tell where it just turned with me. My older brother, he was like captain of the football team since like sixth grade. This fool was a captain. Played football with Marshall Fall. Got his master's.

He's a trip. He was just so hard on like drill me all the time, dude. He used to take me to the park and be like, Hey, if that guy kicks your ass, I'm going to kick your ass. Go fight. And I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. What crazy leadership. Oh yeah.

And, and he was like in leadership programs and shit like that. I did. And yeah, look at me now. I remember I told him, I go, i told him i go hey man you keep pushing you keep pushing uh your son he's gonna end up just like me like chill yeah chill my brother was just like chet from weird science that's hilarious but shorter than me and just super educated and thug it was weird super educated and thug. It was weird. Super educated and thug.

Yeah, like he could kick all my friends' ass. Yeah. Fuck yeah. But he was really smart, too. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Did he ever get involved in martial arts? No.

He probably should have done that. That probably would have been his calling. He probably could have maybe alleviated some of that stress or that tension that he has but you know what it's weird is that he's he coaches kids now and like he's so different like he yeah i think he finally got his mellow hmm yeah well he had kids of his own yeah yeah beautiful little son yeah but he's so competitive to this day like i remember somebody was like hey i seen y'all comedy central rose battle somebody was like, hey, I seen your Comedy Central Rose Battle. He was like, yeah, but I graduated from Chapman.

I'm like, fuck, can I have something? That's hilarious. He doesn't just want to say he did great. Yeah. I held time and like I did good on something else. You know what I usually think? I used to think, oh, well, that guy just fuck those guys. Those guys are pains in the ass.

It's too hard to deal with them. think, oh, well, that guy just, fuck those guys. Those guys are pains in the ass. It's too hard to deal with them. Then I realized what those guys are is like super winners that never found a venue. Like, sometimes there's super winners. Like, there's certain people, like, I really think in order to be a Michael Jordan or anybody that's like a super winner, you almost have to be imbalanced to the point where you want to succeed you want it all about you way more than the average person and that creates a lot of like

relationship like a like a a block in the harmony because you're you're always thinking about yourself like i think a lot of those guys don't find a venue they don't find a real thing to be competitive with and but if they did they would get all those lumps, especially with martial arts, especially with jujitsu. Jujitsu is a big one, man. And if you can get through that, you get all those lumps. You get choked down all the time. You get your ass kicked all the time.

And through getting your ass kicked all the time, getting strangled and tapped out, you learn how to control your ego better. And then you learn, like, what's actual success and what is you just talking shit like how much of this is real oh you know what i mean you're like yeah because like yeah jordan he was just soaring from college all the way up but you can't do that when you get your jujitsu black belt right you know you can still you know you can compete do that when you get your jiu-jitsu black belt, right? Well, you can still, you know, you can compete. You know, you could certainly, I mean, the guys who are the best in the world, all of them are completely obsessed with competing and training in jiu-jitsu.

But I think just for men sometimes it's good to have some sort of avenue for aggressive behavior. Just get it out of the way so you can chill out. It's called Raiders games. I really think that that's what a lot of douchey guys are missing in their life. They're missing that outlet. I agree with you. And some girls, too, because girls now are just...

I've seen more girls fight each other than I've seen guys fight each other at clubs. Yeah, I go to YouTube. I don't go to clubs. I watch that stuff from a distance. But, yeah, girls beat the fuck out of each other. Now that they've seen all these MMA girls who know how to beat the fuck out of each other. I mean, Ronda Rousey. Well, first Gina Carano and Chris Cyborg.

Those are the first ones. Like Gina Carano was like the first female superstar. But it never got as big as it is with the UFC. Like when Ronda Rousey became the first female superstar mixed martial artist. She became the first woman where dudes had to look at each other and go, do you think she can kick your ass? Yeah. And guys would be like, fuck no. And the other guy would be like, fuck yes, she'd kick your ass.

No, she wouldn't, bro. No, no, no. Guy, she would kick your ass. And they'd have these conversations. That's like literally the first time ever. Yeah. Fuck yeah. How many women have got into fights or started becoming a fighter because of her?

Probably a giant number fuck yeah you know i i would love to see like a chola come out of prison and get into that shit yeah especially if she could get good she had a good coach that's so much of it man yeah the coaching it's giant it's giant say if you george perez were a young guy like to fight and uh you went to the wrong place and they taught you bad things they taught you they had poor habits they've uh their patterns like how they fight is like too predictable they don't have a well-rounded game or you get lucky you could go to like farasahabi in montreal there's a few guys a

handful of guys that are like the best guys in the world and you meet them you realize like oh shit I got really lucky I found someone with like this deep reservoir of martial arts knowledge but there's only like 20 or 30 of those guys on the planet earth there's such a small number of like really good mixed martial arts in particular instructors there's other there's small number of really good mixed martial arts, in particular, instructors. There's a bunch of really good traditional martial arts instructors, like jiu-jitsu instructors, a ton of really good ones, a ton. Taekwondo, the same, a lot for Muay Thai. But as far as MMA, just the full, what martial arts really are today is the whole thing.

It's so hard to separate it's good to separate in terms of like understanding who's the best at each individual skill like who's the best jiu-jitsu guy on the planet is not necessarily who the best mma fighter on the planet is there's a difference and if the best mma fighter on the planet competed in jiu-jitsu against the best jiu-jitsu guys they'd probably lose and if the best jujitsu guy competed against the mma fighter in mma they would most likely lose so it's it's a real balance you have to get as well right yeah it's a balance and to put that balance together there's a handful of people on the planet yeah it's just it's a so if you know a young guy wanted to become a martial artist like it's so

important to find a good school It's everything. It's everything you could find someone who's a knucklehead that just likes teaching You know they like hearing their own voice Yeah, and they you know they have their own system, and they act like an asshole. They act like a tough guy You could run into one of those like we played a video on here a couple weeks back of This I guess was from the 80s. It's this karate instructor. They took this homeless guy off the street, and they beat the fuck out of him on this video. Stomp his head while it's on the ground.

I mean, it's hardcore. Super hard to watch. But if you're a kid, you could stumble into that guy's gym, or you could stumble into AMC Pancration in Washington State with Matt Humes. Like one of those small handful of guys that's among the best in the world. You can get lucky or you could fuck up. Comedy's like that, too. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. I've had to break so many bad habits. Yeah. Ugh. Well, if you start off in the wrong spot around the wrong people, you think that's what comedy is. Well, you can get lucky. You can get lucky and be uh in new york city you know you could be lucky and be you know at the cellar

and at the stand and walking around seeing all these comics just banging it out and constantly writing and developing new material or you could fuck up and you could be born in you know some weird midwest state that doesn't have a comedy scene you got to figure out how to fucking get on stage somewhere yeah fuck that yeah man if you're stuck somewhere that doesn't have a comedy scene. You got to figure out how to fucking get on stage somewhere. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, man. If you're stuck somewhere that doesn't have a comedy scene and you want to try comedy, moving is fucking hard, man.

Yeah, dude, I live in Orange County and people are like, why don't you move to Hollywood? I'm like, dude, I still am close to you. I don't have to be there, but I'm so happy that I'm fucking from Orange County. Yeah. Because I can go to Ontario, San Diego, all these other clubs that'll take you guys three hours. It only takes me an hour either way. Yeah. So, fuck yeah, I got lucky.

Well, this whole area is a great, contrary to what people would think, is a great place to start. contrary to what people would think, is a great place to start. And there's also, because the Comedy Store has so many comics that went from being like door people to being headliners, like everybody who's a comic at the Comedy Store is a comic. Yes. You know, there's like a group of all of us, and we're all in the mix together. From the guys who are still, I mean,

I had one of the door guys on the podcast before. I think that when you do stand-up comedy, you do stand-up comedy. And I think that anything else, like looking at it in any other way, is kind of short-sighted. We're all in this weird thing together in some weird way. I hear you. When I first started, it was forbidden to go to the store. That's what I was you. Like, when I first started, I didn't even, it was forbidden to go to the store.

Like, that's what, like, I was told, oh, dude, they don't take Mexicans there. And I was like, oh. Who told you that? I don't remember. What year was this?

It's like 2002, 2001. That's hilarious. Yeah, and I was like, all right. And then, like, That's just somebody making shit up. Yeah, then I meet, like,

Luke Torres and Johnny Sanchez and they're like, hey, we go to the store all the time. I was like, what the fuck? So, yeah yeah lucky to be there now I love that place it's a learning so much and like it's a trip because like somebody told me this it's it's the place for the zoo and I was just like that's exactly what I am look at being like no other no other clubs gonna look at me and be like we want you

to be the MC well I remember I saw you first time I saw you there was a while back you were doing a roast battle and the first thing i said was like this dude looks different than these other people i'm like this guy i go like there's something dangerous about this guy like i've been around enough dangerous people where like dangerous people almost have like a smell to them like don't don't don't get stupid You know it gives some people that I don't think they smell that I don't think they're like I can meet someone I swear to God and if it's a guy who's been through a lot of shit You can tell pretty quickly into talking to him like that They've legitimately seen a lot of character testing shit Like getting involved in prison riots or beating the fuck out of a guy and breaking his orbital bone at a basketball game.

There's people that have done shit like that. They have a feel to them. It's interesting. I saw you doing your roast battle. First of all, you were very funny. Oh, thank you. Thank you. It was like sharp, funny, well-worded insults, which is what roast battle's all about.

It's really, what they've done is created an amazing um sort of a writer's show yeah really about performing and coming up with good ideas and good jokes and it's cool because like it gives a guy like me a chance to go against people that i would never meet or ever hang out with and like dude like they get to be in front of you, Ross, like, all these guys. I get to see them instead of seeing them at a coffee shop. Yeah. Yeah. I like that show. It's amazing.

It's a great show. It's fucking funny as hell, too, man. Yeah. You know, but, so I remember seeing you there and then hearing your story. And I was like, God damn, that's a crazy story. Like, you have so much stuff that you could mine into. Dude, it's like the fucking, it gets even crazier because, like, you know, nobody ever asked me, like, this is the crazy shit, Joe. Prison was a fucking piece of cake.

The hardest shit was coming home. And, like, it's kind of like you go away for a war. Like, I remember coming home and, like, I was the neat freak forever. And like, I try to treat everybody in my house like they were inmates. I'd be like, hey, who the fuck left hair? My kids are like, dad, my bad. And oh, yeah. Like, I couldn't be around people too close.

Like, wow. If I went to the store, like I looked you in the eye know i is hey homie i'm paying you here and people like what the fuck is wrong with this guy i would i would never text nobody i'd call nobody would answer my call i'm like what the fuck is there no one's answering my call nobody wants to answer calls anymore yeah it's strange right a lot of weird shit about getting out it was the fucking transition of transitions and so you were institutionalized institutionalized yeah straight up and they were only in there for three years man imagine if you were in there for 20 25 fuck well it's kind of like how you say it's it's who you affiliate yourself with and then you know when you come from your the street there's codes that just you're taught

from the beginning they're gonna follow you in there so it's kind of like i was taught by the right people and the codes to go in there and just to come out and to finally realize like hey i'm not even in a gangbang no more i don't even give a fuck you can call me what you want to call me i'm living life now for my kids and then for me. And then I need this new generation. You know what I'm saying? Right. That was the whole weird transition as well.

It was just like being on parole. Fuck, that was embarrassing. Is there a feeling like hoping that you could pull it off? Like when you're, I would imagine that something like parole, one of the big issues would be that if you know that someone's watching you and checking up on you all the time and evaluating you all the time, that puts almost additional pressure on you to fuck up. There's like a psychological thing that happens to people when you, you know, like you were talking about your brother putting all that pressure on you and then you respond from it. Like there's a pressure that you put on someone when you're monitoring their behavior and i understand that you have to do it especially if someone's committed violent crimes and you got to make sure they're doing all right and not doing anything stupid you're letting them free right i can understand it but i'm just saying

that psychologically it probably has an adverse effect on the person like that's got to fuck with your head man oh fuck Oh, fuck yeah. And it's, oh, shit. What does it feel like to have to check in with somebody? Fuck. It sucks because it's kind of like, imagine having a girlfriend that can just be like, you know, fuck you, bitch. You're going to prison.

Oh, man. That's exactly what it is. It's like, you have to like, why didn't you answer my call? And I was like, I was on stage, asshole. My bad. I was working. I can't answer. And he was like, oh on stage asshole my bad i was working i can't answer and he was like do they have the power trip on you yeah they power trip and plus i was a high risk inmate so you're high control when you're on parole they they get you as a what's that shit

called i'm a high risk inmate or normal parole. Normal parole. All you do is check in once a month. They don't come to your house. Maybe you piss test. I have to go into that office once a week. Piss test every time I go in. Wow. And he comes to visit me with only an hour notice. Only an hour notice. Sometimes if you're lucky.

Sometimes you're just outside. That's so crazy, man. And this is the crazy part is this guy thought i was drug dealing because i just got out of prison and i wasn't you're on parole for three years so my first year i got out and i couldn't work it out my baby's mom she was different and i became a different person i wasn't that gangster that you know i mean i came out like nah so we just went our own ways my buddy just got a divorce and he had a badass house in anaheim hills and he goes hey dog like the bank's gonna take the house i think you have like a year

you could stay in there he's like i don't want to stay there i hate that fucking house me and my wife divorced so i was staying at this house for free and just paying the bills and my pro officer's like how in the fuck you have a better house than me oh he thought you were dealing drugs i was slanging that's hilarious yeah and then like he was cool though because like he uh he finally like treated me like i was a normal person he confessed to me once he's like man this is bullshit george i'm like he's like i'm getting a fucking divorce. He was getting divorced too. And I guess they were cutting all the pro officers.

They were doing a cut. So since he had bad credit, he couldn't be a casino cop. Wow. Bad credit. Yeah. If you have bad credit, you can't be a casino cop. I wonder why. I wonder if they think that you're just too desperate for money.

Probably. And then you might be able to accept bribes from people or something. Yeah, probably. But that was the only time that guy ever talked to me. And it'd be like, hey, take a piss in front of me. You know how weird that is? Real weird. They got to look at your dick, right?

They got to make sure you don't have a rubber dick. No, for real. So many people have been caught with those wizenators. No, what you do is you put bleach under your fingernail or the special thing. That's like no advanced. That's what Joey Diaz says. Yeah. He said he put Clorox under the foreskin of his dick.

He was talking about it. I one time. He said he put Drano there too once. was talking about it. I one time... You said you put Drano there too once. I used to put coffee on my balls

when I went to court. Coffee? Just to have coffee. I put it in a plastic bag and a rubber band and wrap it around my squirrel and go to court. But you look like a pimp

just going to court. You're in like a 50 people in a jail cell. Right. And you're just right there and nothing to do. Hold on. Want some coffee on each

for reals it's like that and then everyone's like shoot it and it's like when you're in there you want it to be just like this hey man there's no responsibility but just to be cool and be strong and let's have fun dog wow so you knew to keep coffee on your ball so you could have it once you'd be in prison no this is when i no i'm already in prison right sometimes you gotta go to court right so i was going to court to get my license back because you have the right to get your license back even though you're in prison you still have the right so they're like alright Fuck it. We'll send you so I tied it cuz knowing like a dog There's not gonna be no coffee for us

But when I pull up to this and the home is gonna be like cuz you don't get in trouble for sneaking coffee They'll just like a stupid-ass talk shit to you, but it was it was just like bragging having fun, right? Sorry, that's weird. That? That's pretty funny, though. That's hilarious, thinking about balls and coffee together. Yeah, and no one's even like, oh, watch out, it's a cup in the back. No one gives a fuck? Give me a spoon, give me a spoon, give me a spoon. Oh, wow.

Because there's hot water in the restroom right there. We get it from the sink. Pretty weird. It's strange when you think about it or does it seem like like normal does it feel like because it seems to me like you're you're obviously you move past that you're doing well as a stand-up comedian now you're out but when you're talking about it there's part of you that you know that kind of misses the fun oh yeah right you can see it it's like yeah but you don't want to go back

never no that's so crazy isn't it yeah it's just like i don't know man like it's kind of like i was places with people for a long time that like became family to me for that and like i don't know i'm that kind of guy that like hey man when i'm your friend i'm your friend and like they're still my friends i'm not like i know a lot of people this is what i've been told by a lot of people you're the only fool i met that when he got out answered my fucking phone call didn't like people forget about you they don't want nothing to do with you it's happened to me where i've called people hey homie that was just prison dog i was like oh shit my bad so yeah oh wow so you get out of prison they don't want to have nothing yeah i

could i could see people wanting to move on with their lives too man i just think but it's prison itself is so it's got to be so devastating it's so crazy how many people we have locked up when you look at the numbers they're not even telling you the truth they're not no like now they got t-bunks now like you don't even have day room no more. So you're in a prison. Let's just say this is a prison right here. Along the wall, there'd be cells. And in the middle would be where you eat. Now they have tea bunks.

They have bunks that are screwed into the concrete and people sleep. Like with no protection. Imagine that shit. Wow. You and 50 other inmates just on a bunk And someone's big living room Yeah, it's getting overpopulated The numbers are so insane though. Yeah, and it's crazy

I mean cut you off, but this is this is what trips me out It's like I had friends that I was locked up with and like in Wasco its reception So people come in and out and my friends are like oh yeah everybody on this side they get sent to Mississippi and then they send all those like they're sending our inmates to Mississippi Alabama Michigan and Michigan and they were getting a check from us and then at the end they bring us back and they send us home from somewhere over here. Yeah. There's never been a time in history where a country has locked up more of its citizens than right now.

I can't imagine there's ever been a time. I mean, I'm saying that pretty confidently. But I think they said that the United States has more prisoners than it was a giant number when they compared it to the rest of the world. Like how many prisoners? Just look it up. a giant number when they compared it to the rest of the world like how many prisoners the what just look it up like the united states prisoners in comparison to prisons combined the rest of the world because it's insane how many we have locked up we got more prisoners and illegal immigrants in california i'm sure i'm sure right yeah but what the fuck is the solution to that like that's

a broken society if you have a million people locked up or whatever the hell we have locked up, don't we have something like a million? How many? But, like, where does the funding come from? So it trips me out. It's like, how are they getting so much money off of it? Well, there's a bunch of different ways. First of all, it's a business. Whenever a company is getting paid because people are in jail, that's a business.

If it's a state business or if it's a private business, they're still businesses because they cost money. And they cost money and people get paid to work there. So as soon as people get paid to work there, they want to keep those jobs. That's always going to be a problem. And people get paid to work in prisons. They're going to keep those jobs. Also, they lobby. They lobby hard.

prisons. They're going to keep those jobs. Also, they lobby. They lobby hard. The prison guard unions lobby. Cops lobby. 2,220,300 adults were incarcerated in 2013. Wow. Damn. Holy shit. Additionally, 4,751,400 adults

in 2013 were on probation or parole. That's a lot. Dude, that's one in every 51 people probation or parole. That's a lot. Dude, that's one in every 51 people is on parole. That is fucking crazy. That's crazy. And once you're on parole, you stay in the system. That is a crazy number, man.

Yeah. There's obviously too many things that are illegal. There's a lot of people that want to do these things. We've got to figure out what's violent crime. What's, you know, what's crime? What's violent crime? What's, what's, what's, what does everybody agree you can't do? Can't kill people.

Everybody agrees like certain shit. Figure out what that is. And all that other shit you're locking people up for, stop. Stop it. Well, they get paid. It's like you said like every public defender gets what 800 bucks for every time someone signs for time i'm sure there's that and but then there's also private prisons there's also prisons that get paid to i mean they're a

business they start a prison so that they can make money by having people locked in their cages and then they probably sub them out and do work around the highway and stuff and make money off of that huh probably probably i don't i don't know but i would imagine if they made people work in your prison and we've always seen people working in prisons i would always assume that that's a big part of it yeah and you can make boots you make every we make our own boots our own clothes in there too that was one of my earliest jokes when i was like it's probably a hack joke and i don't even know it but when i was a kid uh live free or die was on the new hampshire license plate and i was like imagine that live free or die what's fucked up about it is those plates are being made by prisoners so they're in jail and they're writing live free or die on a plate like what what a mind fuck that

must be kill yourself bitch kill yourself big client kill yourself that was one of my earliest jokes fuck i'm probably one of 10 guys to come up with it though because it's so obvious you know that was always the big thing right license plates yeah license plates and now it's everything refrigerators microwave refrigerators in prison it was always license plates thing, right? License plates. Yeah, license plates. And now it's everything. Frigerators, microwaves. They make refrigerators in prison? It was always license plates when we were kids, right? That was always the thing. Prisoners and license plates were connected for some strange reason.

And then in Mississippi and down south, they made the railroads, didn't they? Probably. I know they actually really did break rocks in some places. They would literally make gravel with sledgehammers. That's a great workout. Yeah? Oh, yeah. It's the best workout.

I used to swing a sledge when I did construction. I was a form setter. I had an 8-pounder and 10-pounder sometimes when we had rough dirt. Well, they do that a lot with MMA conditioning classes. They have people hit sledgehammers on tires and shit. What's this, young Jamie? It's 11 products you might not know were made by prisoners. Oh, books for the blind. conditioning classes. They have people hit sledgehammers on tires and shit. What's this young Jamie? 13 things. 11 products you might not know are made by prisoners. Oh, books for the blind.

Lingerie. Oh shit. These dudes are making lingerie. Victoria's Secrets and JCPenney hired subcontractor third generation who in turn hired people to stitch their lingerie and leisure wear. How many of those dudes licked those panties before they put them in those packages?

How many of them rubbed their ball sack on them? Come on. But that's why women want them too because they're like, a convict made this. Yeah, they smell it. They smell danger in those panties. Park benches and picnic tables. Wow. Military jackets and battle garb.

Wow, that's an interesting one. Federal prison industries. This is nuts. Better known as Unicor, consists entirely of convicts working in 89 factories. Together, they help clothe the United States military, making jackets, uniforms, helmets, shoes, and even flak vests. For police officers, they craft body armor and holsters. You know what they're going to say in the future? They're going to look back, and they're going to go, holsters you know what they're going to say in the future they're going to look back and they're going to go oh this is a hilarious point in history because the people then didn't know

that they had slaves they didn't they didn't think slavery existed they're like slavery doesn't exist anymore they didn't but meanwhile that is exactly what slavery is regardless of what they did if someone murdered someone someone i can there's an argument they should be locked up. But when they're working for 38 cents an hour because they murdered somebody and they're making shit that people are buying, they're slaves. Yes. Even if just the government's buying it, that's a slave. Right? Fuck yeah.

I just thought of that right now. I was like, fuck, I've been a slave for three years. That's a slave. It's a slave. Because people have always said, well, slavery is barbaric. that right now i was like fuck i was a slave for three years that's a slave it's a slave you know because people have always said well slavery is barbaric if you didn't know our culture and you know we accept this form of slavery as being punishment restitution and you didn't know that some people that are in there absolutely don't deserve to be in there or were railroaded on

fault trumped up charges that's there's a percentage whether it's no it's one out of a hundred or whatever the fuck it is that person's a real person in jail right now and they're working as a slave to make body armor that's 38 cents an hour fuck you that's slavery that is slavery you just figured out a way to make it okay i figured out a way to make it okay. I figured out a way to make it okay. Look at this. Colorado Correction Industries oversees approximately 60 inmate work programs. Jailbirds at Fremont County Jail, for example, build fiberglass sealed canoes. They use scraps from the prison's furniture shop and sell the canoes for around $1,500. Other Colorado programs help craft Wow. They make blue jeans.

Holy shit. A lot of jeans people buy. The Eastern Oregon Correctional Institute is home for a 47,000 square foot facility, Prison Blue Jeans Factory. Yeah, it's getting paid. Prison Blue Jeans. H jean horses what is horses they train wild mustangs prepping them for adoption that is hilarious we gotta open up a prison horses they they capture wild horses and train them for adoption did you know know that that's an issue in America right now? I'm just becoming aware of the issue of wild horses.

There's a wild horse issue in America. What do you mean? Like they just run away? Horses that have gotten free and they've gone feral and they're wild. And apparently there's tens of thousands of them. Are they attacking anything? No, no. They're not attacking anything.

They're not a danger. It's just they're encroaching on farmland and they're becoming a new ant. Well, look, at one point in time, horses roamed wild on the plains. That was a long time ago. Long, long, long time ago. Then they actually went extinct in North America and they were brought here

from other parts of the world where they originated in North America. They brought them other places. So there was a point in time somewhere in history where horses did run wild around here. But they killed a lot of them. They killed them and they used them. They filled them with strychnine and fed them to wolves

to kill off the wolf population. Oh, wow. Because they were trying to make everything safe for cattle raising. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. Dude, our country used to be this kind of wild area where all these animals roam free. But when cattlemen moved across the country, they started doing these wild horses you're showing us, Jamie?

In Nevada, yeah. Yeah, in Nevada. Nevada has thousands of them, apparently. But people see them there all the time. I mean, it's a common occurrence. I mean, these are like deer or like anything else. These are giant, wild animals. So what's really fucking weird fuck is

you know people are talking about hunting these things now because they're killing them and they were they were doing it in the uh the the early uh 1900s they would kill them and make uh dog food out of them because they needed meat for pets like people, people really didn't have pets. Like, there wasn't, like, a pet food industry the way there is today, you know? People just fed their pet whatever the fuck they fed them, you know? If you wanted a dog, you fed them scraps or... That was, like, a big thing, you know, feeding your dog table scraps. But they started feeding them these horses. So they started killing all these horses,

and they would kill horses for dog food, and they would kill horses and feed dog food and they would kill horses and feed them to wolves but for whatever reason we didn't eat horses over here yeah that's fucking crazy like so they were doing this in denver or in uh nevada that's in nevada those those wild horses right there in that video just wandered around the high country desert i'm sure yeah because we have that problem with cats i'd fucking flip out if it was horses in the front of my fucking yard like that. Yeah. Well, if you live out there, man, it's possible.

I mean, I don't know how many there are. The real problem is not like there's just too many horses. The real problem is there's too many horses that are going out to these people's land that raise cattle, and the horses are grazing probably on the same fields the cattle are, and they're getting pissed off. Yeah, taking the grass. Yeah, that's most likely what it is, if I had to guess. It's just a bunch of greedy cattle guys who don't, you know, they don't want to lose.

Call them greedy, whatever. They're trying to protect their industry, protect their interests. I understand that. Yeah. But, like, at a certain point in time, we have to step in, I think, as humans and go, well, is it a bad thing to have these horses? Yeah, what are they herding? They seem pretty cool.

It's kind of cool to have wild horses, isn't it? Can we all agree? It's kind of badass. They seem to be thriving. But they're going to have to figure out a way to manage their population because they're not going to get jacked by too many mountain lions the way deer do. This horse is a big animal, and they kick. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'm sure a mountain lion could kill a horse. Don't get me wrong, but I don't think that would be a lot of fun for the mountain lion. No, 30 of them? Yeah. Do you think they'd back each other up? I think the horse would back the other horse up. They do in Africa.

It's a different hood. It's a different hood. But it is still cats and prey, carnivores and herbivores. The buffaloes in Africa, they gang up and they go after lions when lions are attacking one of their own. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. It's wild to see, right? Yeah.

When I was little, my parents had a ranch in Mexico. I used to have a horse. People love horses, man. Yeah, I didn't know how to tend to it, but I used to have a horse people love horses man yeah i didn't know how to tend to it but i used to ride that fucker once in a while did you know that that did you know that aztecs were so tripped out by horses they used to cut their heads off too really yeah i learned because uh that was their ritual they were offering uh blood to the sun god whoa so they would cut your head off and then throw you down those steps.

And then when Cortez came, that's what they did to the people at the end. And they did it to the horses. Well, when Cortez came, wasn't that the first time they had ever seen a person on a horse? Exactly. And they thought the person was a part of the horse? Yes. Yeah. And they had blue eyes.

Isn't that crazy? Imagine that. You've never seen someone ride a horse. No one's ever ridden an animal. They've never seen a horse. Yeah. They had blue eyes. Isn't that crazy? Imagine that. You've never seen someone ride a horse. No one's ever ridden an animal. They've never seen a horse. Right. Then all of a sudden these dudes showed up riding animals. On a boat with jackets on and shit.

You would be the biggest baller ever in the world. You pulled up in a boat and you stepped off the boat in a horse. You got a sword you're like who is this fucking dude you imagine those days must have been so crazy yeah and you know the crazy part is is they say that cortez tripped out when he was like these fuckers have irrigation perfect their sewers perfect everything's built perfect but why are they cutting people's heads off and throwing these guys down the steps well if you look at the mayan pyramids and some of the aztec architecture that they developed in that part of the world like they were on some crazy

level that very few civilizations have ever been on the mayan temples all aligned constellations or at least most of them do so they had some sort of a deep knowledge and understanding of what they were seeing in the solar system. There's also a lot of evidence, apparently, that they understood about the wobble. Like the Earth has a wobble called the precession of equinoxes. And this wobble, it's like the Earth doesn't spin in a perfect circle. Okay, I'm understanding, you know. The Earth spins in this like 26,000 year wobble. I think it's 26,000 years but the point is it doesn't spin perfectly and the stars change their position in the sky depending upon where

in that cycle you are well the mayans knew that they had outlined that yeah i mean they they developed some sort of a calendar that's as accurate, if not more accurate than the calendar we use today. They had figured out some crazy shit. Yeah. In prison, that was like the thing you study. Like it was crazy. I have a couple of tattoos of gods from the Aztec. This is a certain god.

Like they're all certain gods. And yeah, it's all in that calendar. It's pretty crazy. Like I got the god on my chest of the day i was born on the year what is that what god is that sochi sochi potla it's weird because he was like he's a weird looking at your nipple but i'm gonna let go because it's good art is that a prison one yeah wow that's good work yeah this guy was solid right here he was with the business.

There's a few moments in history that I would really love to go back and just live in an invisible, bulletproof bubble and just be able to sit in the middle of a town and just watch these people. But one of the big ones, I think if I had to choose one, I think I'd have to take the Egyptian pyramid days. I would love to see what the fuck that looked like. But up there is I went to Chichen Itza I want the the it's in like real close to Cancun it's like maybe an hour and a half outside okay Mexico yeah Mexico this is the Yucatan right yes you cut down there's a couple of them down there there's a couple of different sites that have these Mayan ruins. But we went to Chichen Itza. And you're walking around and you're like, what the fuck inspired them to do this?

That was the pyramid that we went up to. And you've got to realize, we're talking more than a thousand years ago they built this fucking thing. And why? Why did they do it like what is that they were really infatuated by the sun yeah and they would always like they felt when you gave the sun blood because they were so scared of dark they always wanted light look at that structure yeah i remember i remember going there and seeing that and going who the fuck are these people why they do this perfect construction every joint it's locked in like our construction nowadays can't lock joints how those joints are locked in well they did an amazing job that's for sure the engineering is impeccable because we're looking at it in perfect form essentially except

for a little bit of wear more than a thousand years later and it's just beautiful like when you when you look at the construction of it you walk around you're like this is some serious engineering and it's on the highest site so no flooding yeah like it's the way it faces the sun there yeah they killed a lot of fucking people there on that thing right there that was where they would cut dudes fucking hearts out yeah right on top of that guy they would do it right on top of his he like he's like a little tray for human sacrifices he's actually that's what it's for he's actually a god they believe that he took those hearts into the underworld dude you should check it out some pretty bad drawings well i had a guide when i was there we hired this uh guide who was a professor at a local university, and he doubled as a guide, and he gave you a historical lesson about the entire place. It was amazing, man.

It was amazing because this guy knew so much about Mayan history, and he also said that they were really into eating psychedelic plants. He said that there was this place they would go that something had like lysergic acid in it, which is like one of the elements in LSD apparently. What does LSD stand for? Lysergic, blah, blah, blah. But a lysergic acid is in there. But he was saying that they believed that whatever they had was some sort of a psychedelic LSD-like compound. And they had this room,

and he took us to this room where they would do it in. They had like a specific room. It was in that thing. In one of the structures. This specific room where they would do their psychedelic rituals. They were tripping their balls off. That's how they saw all that shit. Yeah, they were cutting people's heads off.

Have you ever seen Apocalypto? Yeah. The little kids right there telling the mom, hurry up. And it's like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. That's a crazy time in the world. I would love to see that time. Mom, hurry up. And it's like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. That's a crazy time in the world. I would love to see that time.

Yes. Like when- What's your other one? You said Mayan and then you said the Egyptian. You said you wanted to go to another place, another time. Genghis Khan. Oh, yeah? You want to be around with that shit? I want to see that.

I want to see what the fuck that was like. To take him on or to join him? No, no, no, no. To watch, see how crazy life was back then. I wouldn't want to see that I want to see what the fuck that was like cuz to take them on or to join No, no, no no to watch see what how crazy life was back then. I wouldn't want to live I wouldn't want to live in any of those times But I would want to if I could ever if someone does legitimately one day come up with a time machine and say if it's like Dude, it's ten grand, but you can go back and go to Egypt for like a power ahead of time Yeah, I mean people would totally save up I mean think about it.

It costs a couple thousand bucks if you're going to go to Hawaii, right? Like a plane fare and a hotel room and then your food. You know, you're into it, right? Yeah, no,

10 grand, but for how long? How long are you gone? One hour. One hour in Egypt. Fuck, I like this. One hour in Egypt during like some sort

of a ceremony and actually be there and get a chance to see it. When Moses was in the river and shit. Fuck. Imagine what it would be like to see those sacrifices that like when they built what was that the pyramid of uh how do you say it teotihuacan how do you say that the aztec pyramid see if you can find that the noche tan they killed 80,000 people

inside of a few days in sacrifices it's the religion the belief and there was nothing to do but yeah fuck I don't know stop and think of that number 80,000 people

I believe it was within a few days I think they killed all the people that worked on the pyramid all the slaves that worked on the pyramid all of them Got the knife They didn't want to pay Social Security For the first ones are like you motherfuckers are getting work comp or nothing How insane is that time of life like that humans had agreed to that that that was going to be the that was that was the plan we got these slaves we got them to build this thing then we're going to cut their hearts out right we're cool with this right everybody's on board yeah yeah

definitely let's cut their hearts out like this is people this is human beings this is a totally different time in the world and really not that long ago. Yeah, and it's kind of weird because it's like they didn't even care if there was no more people left. How do they know there's not other people left? Right. Right. They may be the last people. Damn.

Cutting 85,000 dudes or 80,000 dudes' hearts out. Imagine the guys that had to clean up all that shit, though. 80,000 bodies. Ooh, I bet they did a shitty job. How about that? I bet they weren't very motivated. They're going to fucking kill me, too, man. Yeah.

I'm the body cleaner. Take your time, bitch. Take your time. I mean, how is the body cleaner? Well, that was one of the things they said about Genghis Khan, that when Genghis Khan died, they buried him, and then they killed all the people that buried him, and then they killed the people that killed the people that buried him Fuck that's a super Angster that's as gangster as it gets you kill everybody everybody that has any idea where he's buried

So no one could ever find the great con So the only the guy that ordered of the hit knows huh even he doesn't know Fuck everybody's dead the people that order ordered it, they killed them, too. They killed everybody. So no one knows. No one knows where it is. I just want to burn the body in acid. And be like, hmm.

Good call. No, I think they have rituals. Like, I think, you know, in order to, if you're a Mongol, in order to make it to the next stage of life, they probably have some crazy rituals. Yeah, you're going to come back with a motorcycle. But that point in history seems like it would be pretty insane. They said that Genghis Khan killed like 10% of the... There was a New York Times article about it,

that he killed 10% of the world's population, and he apparently changed the carbon footprint of the human race, meaning it killed so many fucking people. There was less soot in the air. There was less carbon because of fires. He's like, it changed the way the foot, like what our residue on earth is when they do those core samples. That's insane, man.

You got to, if anybody listened to this, if you haven't, you might might have heard this before but i have to say it to people that haven't hardcore history there's a guy named dan carlin he was on last week he's fucking awesome he's the best ever at like doing history podcast the guy's a monster him and daniele bolelli he's awesome too but um his he's got a series on the gingenghis Khan day. It's called The Wrath of the Khan. It's a five-part series. You can get it on iTunes. It's like $1.99 a show or something like that.

But they're hours and hours long, folks. I can't... It used to be free. But he does the first X amount of free. Because he only does them... It takes months to put one of these out. It's not like asking someone to pay for a regular podcast. It's like an audio book.

Okay. Does he go out to all these places? I don't think so. I mean, I don't know. He studied the Mongols ever since he was in college. He wrote a report about it. It was part of the podcast series that he does on it. He talks about his history with the history of the Mongols.

But it's amazing. And that's what got me history of the Mongols, but it's amazing. And that's what got me excited about the Mongols and starting to check it out. But that's just, I just would love to see what crazy points in time looked like, like how as humans, how we like we evolved with thinking and fighting and shit like that. Well,

you mean there's levels of craziness in this world right now, right? Like somewhere there's some dudes that are working as slaves making blue jeans for some company, right? I mean, and they're prisoners. There's that world. There's a world that you experience when you're in the county and a riot breaks out. This world is very different than the world that most people experience. But our world itself, like all the variables that we know that are possible, whether it's prison or war or all these things that we know to be possible, they're very different than it was 1,000 years ago or 2,000 or whatever the Egypt was 4,500 plus years ago that they were building the Great Pyramid apparently.

Yeah, fucking life would have been crazy. Insane. I mean, I can't even imagine. say the Great Pyramid I think they said it's 2500 BC is when they carbon test it to like some of the stuff in it which is four thousand plus years ago you'd have to like hold your head you would hurt your head to think of how long ago that was hundreds and hundreds of years and people living and dying and change occurring and things in the climate shifts and the, you know, the earthquakes, so many things, man, so much craziness.

And it's so long. And if you go that far back, these motherfuckers built some insane shit that we can't barely build today. We would have to have a team of engineers from all over the world with the biggest cranes ever to try to put together one of those in just a you know in a decade or two decades imagine the like the machines wouldn't even work in that climate they wouldn't even know how to adjust to the sand they'd have to make better machines i mean it could be done i think it could be done but it's not it's not simple what they did was so spectacular and the idea that

they did it 2500 bc 4500 plus years ago that's fucking crazy it's hard to that they did it 2,500 BC 4,500 plus years ago. That's fucking crazy. It's hard to imagine. They did that shit before Jesus. I would love to see it, man. I would love to see it. I would just love to see what it looked like back then. Like what happened? Like the first day they were done. Imagine how that just what it would be like to live in that era. Like what were their markets like? What, how smart were they? Like, I would love to be able to speak their language and talk to one of them from back then because i just think that someone who builds that they must have been insanely smart insane but also i mean i agree with what you're saying but they were kind of like assholes because then they have slaves as well no that was a common misconception they thought that they had slaves until pretty recently but now they realized by the quality of the food and the pottery that they had in their shelters that they were highly

paid workers that's the new theory the new theory is to get someone to build something like that you know see the thing is it's so hard to know you know they might have been slaves that were taken care of really well it's so hard to know because it's so long ago. And they're basing it just on pottery and bones, like the type of food that they ate. They ate well. But you would have to eat well if you're moving these giant stones, too. It would be within your best interest to keep your slaves super healthy. They have to move stones all day. And it's funny because we just have a theory of how they did it with ropes.

Yeah. How did they really do it? We don't know. There's a bunch of different theories, making ramps and stuff. None of them are really very good because I think none of them address the possibility that they had some kind of technology or understanding that we don't have anymore. Whether it's some sort of a machine they created or some sort of a lever system they created, it is entirely possible that like when you're talking about your time in prison

or people making tattoo guns out of wire and you know taking something from a broom and Sharpen it and sterilizing it and making the soot and doing it for days like that kind of ingenuity just in three years of prison imagine 3,000 plus years of people trying to get by and Make do during this weird time where there's no electricity there's no engines there's no they they're they have the same kind of mind that you have today that i have today that we're they're like modern people but they lived in this time

where there was no modern inventions and they figured out how to make pyramids on point and then i guess there's like they say that the way that they're the sun like hits a certain thing in there well some of them yeah but it depends on what time of year again because of that procession of the equinoxes the way the earth wobbles it depends on what time of year it depends on you know how much what year the cycle is you know like this um procession of the equinoxes also points to the fact that that Sphinx at one point in time, probably I think somewhere like 10,500 years ago, faced the sun. Or faced the constellation Leo. So there's a reason why the lion was facing in that direction.

Because they had apparently the zodiac constellations. Even like way as back as the Sumerians. I think they had all the signs of the zodiac constellations even like way as back as um the sumerians i think they had all the signs of the zodiac way back then like they had the fish and the lady with the skate the scales all that jazz i'm pretty sure they had those constellations way way way the fuck back then that's it yeah it's like you said dude i could barely put my 10 up but you could that's not true man you were talking about you know living in prison adapting you would adapt everywhere yeah but like see what it's weird you made me understand something like that's why i was kind of like to me i feel like they were in

prison too the only reason i adapted to is because i had nothing else to do but what was there yeah so like they have like what's there but like now that like I have all this my friend told me this he goes hey sorry I talk weird I jump in and out he goes hey dog when you're in prison you have nothing to do but you always want to do something but you can't because you're confined right now that you're home don't sit at the fucking house go do shit cuz you been wanting to do stuff. But then I catch myself sitting at home like, I'm so used to this.

Get out. Get out. You're not going to get arrested. The trap. Yeah. So, fuck yeah. I could imagine that they were just like,

there's nothing else to do. Let's build a pyramid. Yeah, and their world, the world was a prison. I mean, think of how barbaric the world was 4,500 plus years ago. How barbaric was the world was a prison. I mean, think of how barbaric the world was 4,500 plus years ago. How barbaric was the world?

How was the weather? Do we have proof of how the weather was? They think that up until around 9,000 BC, it was a, well, from 9,000 BC rather back, it was a tropical rainforest, which is really interesting. Oh, wow. Yeah. They think that it resembled the same rainforest you see in the Amazon. They think it was a beautiful rainforest. But the climate shifted for whatever reason.

And that's one of the main arguments that the Sphinx is way older than people think it is. It's because it has all this water erosion all throughout the outside of it. It's a very hotly debated issue like there's some archaeologists that refuse to believe it because that would indicate that it was made somewhere not just 9 000 bc but thousands of years before that because it has like thousands of years of water erosion on it and they think that erosion is wind and sand it's a real hotly debated, and I'm not really smart enough or educated enough to make a call either way, but when I look at it

and you listen to geologists like this guy, Dr. Robert Shock from Boston University, he kind of staked his reputation on it because he's received a lot of criticism,

but he's like, this is thousands of years of rainfall that's made this erode like this. Which means they built that thing thousands of years even before that. Like, we want to think that the Egyptian civilization

neatly arrived around 2500 BC. And there's no way it could be any earlier than that because, you know, people just back then didn't know anything. Well, how the fuck did they know how to do it then? Exactly. That doesn't make any sense either. Like, it doesn't make less sense that people knew how to do it at 9,000 BC

It's all crazy. Whatever they did was amazing. Yeah, they and they lived like ballers. They always had gold gold everywhere You know what I mean? Yeah, look at King Tut like look at the there's sarcophagus Is that it sarcophagus covered in fucking gold leaf and shit? They were great artists. Oh, yeah Well, they wrote in symbols They had these weird ways of writing where they like images were symbols So, you know, we look at a word like you look at look at the word Sandwich and okay see those letters laid out and they have an image in your mind and that becomes your your form of language That's your written language, but they had like this they had an image

based language so it's a very different way of thinking like so did uh the mayans had another one the image based kind of a language too those image based languages are very bizarre because you got to realize like language and the way it's used shapes the world. And one of the big problems that we're having as comedians is the subtlety of the English language and the things that people can and can't be offended by. So instead of conveying pure intent, instead of anything you're saying conveying pure intent, there's this giant variable of what you can and can't say, what you should and shouldn't be able to say, what is offensive to some people, what you think is okay because you feel this and you feel that. There's so much going on with the English language. But you've got to think that if your language was based in images, it would probably have a different feel to it.

I would wonder what that feel would be like that's interesting how you said that yeah because we sound shit out over there it's like no this is what it means they must have they obviously have a spoken language that's really weird too i don't know what the egyptian spoke i want to say they probably spoke egyptian but what the fuck did they speak if you ask people like what did the egyptian the ancient egyptian speak you'd be like oh i, I never thought of that. Yeah. Egyptian, it'd have to be.

Well, apparently they had a gigantic library, the Library of Alexandria, and it was burned a long, long time ago. Coptic. Oh, there it is. Okay. 17th, until late 17th century AD, the form of Coptic. It was Egyptian. Okay. Until late 17th century AD, the form of Coptic, it was Egyptian.

Okay. The national language of modern day Egyptian is Egyptian Arabic, which gradually replaced Coptic as the language of daily life. That's bizarre, right? Oh, after the Muslims conquest in Egypt, Coptic is still used as the liturgical language of the Coptic Church. Wow. Coptic, huh? I would have had a hard time with that word, too. What is this? King Tut's dagger made from iron from the sky.

Oh, yeah. They found a dagger that was King Tut's that came from a meteor. They took a meteor and hammered it out. Yeah, well, there's a guy who does that today. He makes custom knives made out of meteors if you uh google anthony bourdain had a knife made out of a meteor how do you get the meteor well you can collect them there's enough of them land in places where people have collected them and you can actually buy meteorites yeah it's literally iron iron from space so they take this iron from space

and i want to say his name is klein klein knives but he's a steve klein is that his name no that's not his name kramer that's it steve kramer bob kramer steve klein is an awesome pool cue maker my bad yeah this bob kramer. How did they melt it? Like, at a certain degree? Yeah, they put it inside of this crazy furnace. And see, this is what he's doing here. Scroll down there so we can look at it. There we go.

That's him hammering down these bars of steel that came from a meteorite. And that's how they make a knife. They take it, and they keep hammering it, and they keep throwing it to the fire and hammering it this guy bob kramer does it all himself i mean he does it like the old school way with obviously with new equipment but it's all from the beginning like he takes the metal and crafts it and turns it into this insane looking knife and at the end of the day i, you're cutting your food with a meteor.

Something from space. Dude, iron from space. Apparently it's one of the things that we're most terrified of when it comes to asteroids. Some asteroids are just made out of iron. And it's just sliced right through. Just imagine an asteroid that's the size of Manhattan, and it's all iron. And it's coming at us 45,000 miles an hour. Boom.

And it just rips the ocean in half. I think they said that if an asteroid that size, like the one that killed the dinosaurs, the one that hit the Yucatan, they said that within seconds, it was miles deep into the Earth. Miles deep. That's... Like, that's how... That's fucking crazy. Miles deep.

Imagine... Just imagine that, like, the impact that something has to have see that no something the size of a city to go miles deep in the earth within seconds that's i i would want to see that for some like my sick mind i would want to see that just to look down to see what's in there yeah i've seen those animated ones they do online. You get a look at like an ad, but you know that's not really happening. It doesn't really have the same effect. Like, you're like, okay, yeah, I get it.

I get that's what it would look like. But I think seeing it happen, seeing that thing coming down. What's fucked up is, man, you look up at the moon and it's just covered in craters. Covered. You go, well, the moon is just, man, why does the moon and it's just covered in craters covered you go well the moon is just man why does the moon keep getting hit we keep getting hit too we're just covered in plants and shit we don't see it anymore it's we got water and plants that have made us forget the moon doesn't have an atmosphere too so it burns up we we lose a lot of the asteroids that are coming in because of the atmosphere or the asteroids meteorites whatever they are meteors but the moon doesn't have any of that shit so it comes crashing down but i just

think that we've been hit a bunch of times we've been hit a bunch of times we just forgot i i've never even thought of that i'm tripping out on that right now like that does sound something i know the swede's good but like i'm fucking like, whoa, it's crazy. The Swede's very good. And speaking of the moon, remember the Mayans discovered that the rabbit was on the moon? Have you seen that? That's their signal. They say there's a rabbit face on the moon. There probably is.

Don't we always see the same side of the moon, too? The moon doesn't spin, correct? I don't think it does. I think the moon does not spin. The moon faces us the same way all the time. Pretty sure. So, that would make sense. The man on the moon.

There was some science thing from a long time ago, man, where they thought they saw canals on Mars. They were convinced when they first started looking at Mars, there was canals. And they were like, holy. Yeah, that's what they thought. They thought they were not right, you know, but they were like, holy shit, we're looking at a civilization on Mars. Like people were preparing themselves

to make contact with the Martians. I trip out on us as humans. We always want to go find something else and go kick it with something else. It's like, fuck that. I know there's someone over there. I know there's someone at Mars

we keep knocking, but he won't open. I know. Yeah. I remember one time I had this thought where I was just like what if humans are so smooth that we've already been on Mars and Saturn

and all that and we just fuck them up so we can't live there no more and that's why we're here and that's why we keep looking for other ones to fuck up. Well if we found someone over there and they talk shit we'd definitely fuck them up. That's a fact. You tell them we would fuck up people in Afghanistan, we wouldn't fuck up people on the moon?

Does the moon rotate? Yeah, it does. It does. It spins. Oh, wow. It's a synchronous rotation. Oh, it spins as we spin. Yeah. So we don't see it spinning?

Yeah. Oh, interesting. So we see the same side every time? Yeah, that's one of those flat Earth things that I was going to add in. Oh, wow. It doesn't spin. The moon orbits the earth once every 27.322 days it also takes apparently 27 days for the moon to rotate one

on its axis as a result the moon does not seem to be spinning but appears to observers from earth to be keeping almost perfectly still scientists call this synchronous rotation that's cool that's fucking cool. How does all that happen and stay in sequence and just rock and roll? I fucking love it. Well, how does it float up there? How come it's not landing on our fucking head? None of it makes sense.

Like, explain that. How come the fucking asteroids come flying in but the moon just hovers? What if the moon just decided to jack us? You haven't paid your light bill forever, motherfuckers, and takes off. Yeah. But they say that the moon is like a residue of when the Earth was created. That there was Earth 1.

The scientists have a model of Earth 1 and Earth 2. And Earth 1 was like this giant ball of fire and gases. And we got hit with another planet, like in the early days of development of the Earth. Like another planet collided with Earth, and that's what created the moon, and that's what stabilized its orbit, and that's the reason why apparently we can survive, is because if it wasn't for the moon,

we wouldn't have a steady atmosphere, we wouldn't have a steady temperature, we wouldn't have a steady orbit, it would vary too widely, and we would have never developed. We'd all be like tardigrades in the bottom of the ocean or some shit, some weird little indestructible nuclear single-celled, multi-celled organisms or something. That is fucking crazy.

Yeah. What's the matter? What's the matter, Jamie? I'm trying to find that. The only thing that comes up when I type in Earth 1 and Earth 2 is a lot of stuff about DC Comics. Oh, no. It was from... I didn't come out of that right no no no it's um earth one and earth two they actually they actually talked about in the sumerian text which is really kind of fascinating

the sumerian text talked about earth's collision that there was a thing the planets called like things called the planets tiamat and marduk, and they collided, and it created Earth, and it also created the moon. What's interesting about that is that they had figured this out 6,000-something years ago. This is even older than the pyramids. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's really old. The ancient Sumerians were the oldest as far as what we currently know of. It changes all the time. They, it changes all the time.

They find new stuff all the time. But as far as what the archaeologists know of today is the oldest written language, the oldest mathematics, like a gang of that stuff is thought to be from that part of the world. So the same part of the world also knew about all the planets in the right orbit in the right size it's really strange without a telescope dude we don't know what they knew yeah but they might have had a they had these drawings um in clay tablets where they had the picture the sun and they would picture it would have earth it had venus it had jupiter have all these planets like the big ones were the big ones were the smaller ones were the The smaller ones were where the smaller ones were. They're the right size. It's crazy. How the fuck did they know this?

It's kind of like they're like, all right, make a right over there. Like if they were going somewhere. It's almost like they somehow or another could see them. How they could see them, I don't understand. I don't know what they figured out. But they figured out something. What is this, Jamie? This is Zachariah Sitchin's, or a diagram of what I guess he described happened.

See, there's a problem with Sitchin, though. I'm obviously not a fucking scholar, but the ones who are, they go over his stuff, and a lot of them don't agree with it. And there's an actual website. It's called SitchinIsWrong. It might be.org or.com. And it's all like poking holes in his stuff. His stuff is fun as fuck, though.

It's fun to believe because he thinks that we were created by aliens. He thinks aliens came from a planet called Nibiru. And they came down here and they did genetic manipulations with lower primates. And they created human beings. That's pretty crazy. It's the best. It's so fun. I tripped out on how people say that the Egyptians were having sex with aliens

because of the old hieroglyphs they found. They have aliens with their penises out with the civilization. I think you might have been reading some websites. For real? Yeah. They had alien penises in the hieroglyphs? Yeah.

I thought I'd seen it all. read this i even read a book in prison called the biggest secret by david eichstein or eichstein something like that and he they show you the pictures in there wow i haven't seen that yeah hmm it was a david eich wasn't david. It might have been. It's been a long time. It was just because you only got certain books. David Icke's that guy that thinks it was him. I don't even know if he thinks this anymore. But he used to think that the top leaders of the world were all reptilians. Yes, that's the guy. That's the guy, yeah.

I don't think that's correct. I'll just tell you what I tripped out on. Those are three times for sure that I would want to go back to If you had to choose a place in time Where you could go back and just check it out What would it be? Me? I'd want to go back to the dinosaur time

Ooh that good call I fucked up I should give up one of mine for dinosaurs I gotta give up Genghis Khan for the dinosaur days. Nah, Genghis Khan's gangster too. I gotta give up somebody. Yeah. I definitely want to go back.

I don't know, just to... Fuck, dude. It was their land. And then just because I'm Mexican, I'd want to go back to like the... When Cortez came. to Yucatan. That time. The Montezuma days.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what's crazy, man? Whenever they're building shit in Mexico City, they're always digging into the ground, and they got a halt construction. Stop! Stop!

They find something all the time. They find some shit. They find a temple. They find jewelry. They find something. it's all over the place up there. I guess there's this new Airplane that shoots. It's like you know you could do an ultrasound on a body the Airplane radar does the ultrasound on the dirt or whatever the floor the ground whoa? And they're trying to find temples over there now Eddie Bravo was rightappanus was raised from the sky to try to find money. That's what it is.

He was just wrong with the method. Man, I think there's a gang of shit under there. But it's crazy because it's not that long ago. No, it's not. You know what I mean? Cortez was what? That was the 1400s? When did Cortez come here?

I would say the 1400s. And then the reason that the temples ain't even there no more is because catholicism took it out catholicism came in and then they buried the temples and built churches over the temples isn't that crazy like they built churches over the that's a big thing in egypt too they're finding like one period of construction and then on top of that period of construction there's some newer more modern shit and as they go under the modern shit they're like they built the modern shit on top of the older shit like what the fuck were they doing but they did it a gang of times in history they think well are we doing it right now like are we building a new coliseum over the old fucking coliseum we do we tear down houses people literally buy what they

call a tear down house you buy a house that's run down, but it's on a nice lot. And, you know, it's a big investment, honey, but I think a tear-down is the right move. You tear down that house and build a beautiful house in that spot. And it has an original foundation. Yeah, man, that's a sad thing because when I was doing construction on the East Coast, you would run across these buildings that had these old-school nails. Their nails were— Like galvanized, right? Well, they were like a wedge.

It wasn't like a circle with a straight line. Like, you know, a nail has a point at the end of it, but then it's a perfect kind of a perfect cylinder all the way up to the top and it's got a flat head. Yes. These old nails weren't like that. These old nails were like a wedge. It was like a steel wedge

because they were making them in a blacksmith. So the nails had like a top flat because they were making them in a blacksmith so the nails had like a top flat part where you could hammer it in but instead of having like a long straight cylinder it was actually a wedge and the pointy end was the bottom of the wedge and they would tap it in like that and that that's what a nail was back then so when i was doing construction and you would pull these nails you could tell when you were going into an old-ass building. Yeah. That's what it looked like.

See how it looked like? That's an old nail. I see those. I pulled a gang of those out of buildings when I was a kid. But it's kind of sad in a way because these houses that were made this way, like someday people would love to see that and go, whoa, this is like a piece of history. Yeah. To see an old house that was built with the way they would do the insulation, too. They have this white shit that was in between these boards. They didn't have fiberglass back then or anything.

It was like this white plastery shit. It wasn't like pink? No. The pink stuff is the fiberglass stuff. Okay. That's the stuff that you have to put in attics and shit. Yeah wasn't like pink? No. The pink stuff's the fiberglass stuff. Okay. That's the stuff that you have to put in attics and shit. Yeah, you did that hard construction, that inside that house gut shit. Inside the house is not fun if you're doing an attic.

I did an attic once. Fuck that. That had the fiberglass shit in it. You get it in your skin. You get all itchy. Everywhere you're itchy. And you sweat. And the sweat opens up your pores and the fiberglass shit gets in there.

Can I ask you a question? When you were stripping the nails from the wood, why were you taking the nails out? We were working. We were tearing something down and putting something in its place. I don't remember whether or not it was a remodel or whether or not they were putting an addition on or something like that. But whenever you'd have to go into the walls of these buildings, you could tell right away because they had these, I forget what you would call those long, thin boards that were stacked on top of each other.

As soon as you go through the plaster, you feel the plaster, and you would know it's an old house because it was like a plaster instead of a wall board. When you go to a new house, they have that wall board stuff, which is gypsum board. It's kind of thin. It doesn't have a lot of mass to it. And then then behind that you would have all the other stuff and then insulation and shit but in these old houses it wasn't like that it was like these i can't do what you call them

thin just really thin long boards and in between was this white plastery shit and there was plaster over the outside like shingles like long like shingles? No, like shingles, but like little thin boards, like not even a half inch thick by like maybe an inch or so wide. And they had those kind of nails that put them into the studs. I got you now. Yeah, so you'd pull those nails out. And you would always recognize them. Like, wow, this is an old fucking house. Because New England was an old place, you know?

I mean, you could go to New England today and see there's graves that you could visit that are from like the 1700s. Yeah, they have a gravestone. They're still there? Yeah, they're still there. You know, it's slowly but surely the numbers are getting more eroded by the atmosphere and stuff, but it's still there. You can still read them.

Some of them are kind of faint. You think in a hundred years, like they're going to have to like discover a new method for burying us. It's stupid to bury people. It's stupid. The only reason why we should bury people. We're taking land. Well, it's also what we're doing is we're keeping the natural process of us becoming useful to the world.

Because when things die, those things are absorbed by the environment. There's a system in place, set up. I mean, if you just buried someone, if you just opened up a hole, put them in the ground and buried them, the natural course of order would take place. The bacteria in their body would break down their body. The soil would absorb their body. They'd become fertilizer like every animal has from the beginning of time. But we're so weird.

We want to fill our dead bodies up with some shit that keeps them from rotting. And then we put makeup on them and dress them up in their best clothes. Like my grandfather, when he died, they put one of those crucifixes with the, what are those things called? The crucifix with the rosary. With the rosary about, and like, he never even went to church. Like, what are you doing here? Like, what is this? And he's clutching his face he's got this he's so this there's no feel to him you know he's gone and they're gonna take him and they're gonna put him in a box and then they're gonna

bury it in the ground and it's probably you could go dig it out today if i probably wanted to go in there today his body's still in there because Because those things, they don't rot. Because they're filled up with formaldehyde and all crazy. It's real weird. The only reason why it makes sense is to prove murder cases and shit like that. I mean, that's about it. Like, maybe if the death is weird. If the death is weird, you should probably, like, you know? Yeah, it's a crazy thought.

Like, yeah. We can't prove it. Yeah, but something something went down because they've caught people for murders by going and digging up the bodies and finding arsenic in their system or something like that they've done that that's weird though but like i don't know it's kind of like dude case closed homies i i should have got away with it now if you buried him you can't bring them back yeah but if they catch you see you're thinking like a convict like they catch you they catch you you didn't like a convict. If they catch you, they catch you.

You didn't get away. No, no, no. I beat the game. He's in the ground. I win. Come on. What the fuck? It's a barbaric way.

It's an inhumane way. It's not a smart thing. It's a custom. Plus, it's a giant racket. It's a huge financial racket. Joey Diaz is the first one to explain that to me. He goes, dog, the worst fucking racket that nobody ever talks about, funerals. Think about it.

What the fuck are you going to do? What the fuck are you going to do? You're going to spend that money, dog. Yeah. And he goes, that cheap box is like, what, $1,000, $2,000? You got to pay the funeral costs. You got to pay for the service. He's explaining everything. You have to

have a plot of land. I'm like, what? Oh my God. I never thought about that. He's like, it obliterates people. It obliterates them. It puts them in massive debt. Thousands of dollars in debt. And it's mandatory. Yeah, and it's mandatory. And it's mandatory. I mean, I guess there must be some sort of programs in place to take

care of bodies when people can't afford anything. I would imagine there is. But just the practice itself, the fact that it's not just common, it's standard. That's the standard practice. It's a crazy way to take care of bodies, man. It's ridiculous. Yeah, like, I remember, like, telling my kids, like, hey, if there's any way you can make it happen, I want to be buried in this fucking backyard right here. If you can make it happen.

But then they're going to go to jail. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. I guess there's like certain laws. Well, there should be because if you have a well and you put your body and your body rots into that well, it gets people sick. People have died from that. So that is something.

It gets people sick. People have died from that. So that is something. Where I used to live in Burbank, there was a gravestone of a dead baby that underneath the steps going up to our apartment building. It was like seven apartments. Oh, Jesus. It was on a random street. And it was like the birth and the death date are seven days apart. Oh, my God.

It was like 50, 70 years ago. It was a long time ago. It wasn't like it just happened either. And it's super weird. They just built stairs over top of it. Oh, Jesus. It's a really, really weird they just built stairs over top of it. Ooh, Jesus. It's a really, really weird spot. It's so strange.

Jesus. You know what else is strange? Your voice coming through that shitty wire. I checked it before and it worked even earlier. It was working fine. I need to just replace this. Okay.

No worries. It is weird though, right? Yeah, man. It's a strange thing when you drive by this beautiful plot of land and it's all these cement stones sticking out of the ground like that's also weird too that it has to be public it has to like your dad has to be buried in some giant field with all these other people's dead people like why why do we have to all to be together in death only in death only you get a small spot and then a couple feet over is another person and

you have to be buried in these areas where we designate that people go to cry and drop flowers it is goofy as fuck it's one of those things that just always we've always done it that way so we don't stop and think like what kind of it's kind of like marriage. He's the same shit similar Both of them you keep to the death. Yeah It's just weird that nobody does anything else like one of the you could not get married if you choose to if you go You know fuck marriage, man I don't want to be legally entangled with some person if I want to break up with them I just want to be able to just leave I want to have my own choice. Yeah, I can't do that to death

Well, that's kind of the same way like when when people die like you have to give them you have to do something I want to break up with them. I just want to be able to just leave. I want to have my own choice. Yeah, I can't do that to death. Well, that's kind of the same way. Like, when people die, like, you have to give them, you have to do something. You have to either cremate them or you have to, and I think even when you cremate them, I think you have to do the formaldehyde thing first. Yeah. I'm kind of scared. I kind of told my kids I want them to cremate me, too.

Because I was, I don't want to be maggots eating me and shit like that. No? No, I don't know. That's the way to go. Maggots is the way to go. The way to not go is the fucking formaldehyde. Because the formaldehyde, like, whatever use that you would have for all the organisms that would normally devour any sort of dead living creature, a creature that becomes dead, they don't get to eat anymore.

For some reason, we've decided that they don't get to consume your body. Like your body is more important than all the other things that it consumes. We're part of the ecosystem. It's one more way that we've separated ourselves from the system, this natural system that we're in. We're delusional. Like we think we're not a part of this system because we have houses and air conditioning and I go to the supermarket for my food. We're a part of this system because we have houses and air conditioning and I go to the supermarket for my food We're a part of the system for sure

It's one more way. We separate ourselves Imagine if animals had cemeteries and shit That would be fucked up. There'd be no room for anything then they're dying like crazy Imagine the cemeteries are just all the birds that cats kill You realize what kind of mass murderer monsters you're living with she's everywhere you go you'd be like what is going on like this is all the cats killing birds please look everywhere you wouldn't be able to walk everywhere you would walk there'd be like a little gravestone for a bird that was killed by a cat you know I agree with you now as far as like

yeah man don't get cremated it's it's a made process you're supposed to go in there and just it's it's the way it goes i think the problem is diseases though i think what they worry about is what we're talking about but i don't think if you're i guess if they formaldehyde you up and they drop you in the ground you don't rot so you don't leak into the water system you just sort of like just sit there and prune up i don't think you rot for a long ass time but if you did rot i could see that like if you somehow another got in a water system if there's like especially if you're dealing with a city that's when it becomes impractical right because if you're like new york city small spot, less than, what does New York have, like 7 million or 8 million people live in the city, something crazy like that?

They're all stuffed into this area, you know, way smaller than L.A. And they're all just jammed in there, right? What would they do if they had dead bodies? They're all stacked on top of each other. What are they going to do with the dead bodies? They almost have to cremate them or have to embalm them like you can't bury them anywhere you gotta take them out of town and throw them in the ocean what are you gonna do that's crazy should be able to throw them in the ocean right should have a law like you only get

out you gotta be 10 miles offshore but you going to get eaten in there by that. They'll get eaten by crabs, lobsters and shit. And then in turn, you'll find a good spot to catch lobsters. That's what it used to be. That's how I remember my grandpa. Oh, he made the best stone crabs. We caught stone crabs right where grandpa died or where we dropped his body off. That's what they did with osama bin

lan right they chucked him in the ocean yeah that's fucking crazy that's crazy that's why i tripped out i was like dude that's people are like our president's not black i'm like did he kill that fool and threw him over the boat that's gangster as fuck who kills someone takes him in the ocean get the fuck out of here doc i wonder what the who made that decision to do it that way because it was a two-day decision. Was it? Because I guess Muslim, they have like a special ritual like two days after that body has to be done something. Oh, interesting.

So they did it quick. Yeah, the whole thing. Well, you're not supposed to do that in the Muslim faith. I don't think you're supposed to throw the bodies overboard. I think that's one of the reasons why they did it. That's one of those ones that's going to go down in history. You know, people are going to look back at historical moments

that just seem crazy in the future. They just killed him and threw him in the ocean. We're going to go, ooh, whoa. That's dark. Yeah, I mean, I guess they said they didn't want him to be a martyr. They didn't want to... Martyr, yeah. Yeah, martyr. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. I guess they said they didn't want him to be a murderer. They didn't want to... Yeah, a martyr. Yeah, I mean, that makes sense. I guess. I mean, they would understand it better than I would.

I would just be speculating as to what you should and shouldn't do with the body of a mastermind terrorist that you just killed. That you've been looking for for years. That was living in the house. Imagine if they just took his brain and they've been working on it. Probably have. What happened like Saddam

Oh, they hung that motherfucker. I know in the body like the private to his dogs They're smart. Yeah that I don't know what they did Well, they you know Saddam his sons used to have dogs. They would throw people to the dogs and feed him to the dogs He was like Ramsay Bolton from Game of Thrones, like legitimately. His kids were psychopaths, total murderers, mass murderers. They would find women that were about to get married, take them from their husbands, rape them, and then feed them to the dogs. I think I've seen that in a movie. Yeah, probably.

It says they buried his body near the graves of his other family members. Oh, he got lucky. He got lucky. He got lucky. It's a hard part of the world, man. Again, it's like we were talking about. That part of the world, so much different than Santa Monica. Hell yeah. You know, it really all is a perspective thing, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a trip. Everyone's all talking about, oh, over there in Saudi and them women don't have rights women don't do this all women do is cook and clean i was just like just be happy you are where you are they're not tripping they're living their life over there do i am i against it yeah but they they haven't changed what they wanted to do they might be tripping hard they just can't do shit about it i understand that people on the outside look at it and say it's horrible and uh it'll all because of that like because of people's attitudes i think

that's what changes things because people get upset at it because and then that word gets back to them the rest of the world chicks can go to school the rest of the world they can drive they don't have to dress up in those outfits they can do whatever the fuck they want they're treated just like regular people like the rest of the people. Like the rest of the world. Most of the rest of the world. That's where it's going. You guys are stuck in a bad spot. Yeah.

Do you see the thing that happened with North Korea? They let the world accidentally opened up their websites. They only have 28 websites. Yeah. I didn't read up on it. I seen like a little glimpse of it. How crazy is that? They have 28 websites.

What the fuck, man? Like, what do they have? What the fuck? Did they show like what they had? Anything? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, obviously it's in those Korean symbols.

I wouldn't be able to read it, but I don't know if anybody's translated it. What they had, I haven't read that yet, Jamie. Have you? I'm looking right now. Well, no house has a laptop. No house?

They're not allowed to have a personal computer it says an airline ticket agency for air core core yo core yo a website for a group called national unity a website for kim il-sung university a website for the voice of korea news organization a news website for the government of north korea that place is fucking crazy that that exists today that there is a a country that is right next to another country that looks exactly like them like north koreans and south koreans are fucking koreans right they look super similar right it's not like mexicans and africans it's not like two distinctly different looking kinds of people no they're like incredibly identical right but above them they have north korea and they're

living in a dictatorship a military straight up dictatorship the entire country is under the heel of a dictator a crazy military ruthless dictator with nuclear bombs they're detonating nuclear bombs and tests and shit then the other side you got people making the best electronics in the world flying innovation they're all getting they're all getting surgery to get their eyes bigger you ever seen all that shit no they're getting their eyes bigger no dude it is a huge problem in korea is uh plastic surgery i shouldn't say a huge problem in Korea is plastic surgery. I shouldn't say huge problem because it's not like they die. They just look different.

Plastic surgery is a huge fad in South Korea. So they're not getting their titties done and their ass. They're getting everything done, I'm sure. But one of the things they're doing is they're getting their eyes done so that they look more American. What's the process? Do they cut some of the eyelid? Cut the eyelid yeah how how do they how do they you see it that's what they used to look like that's to look like now look at the girls fucking way the girls they start looking like anime it's really strange man it's real strange like that they they become super hot

looking yeah even if they were like not that hot. It's very, it's just a bizarre practice, man. See, that's where they do it. They cut down there and cut down there. And then you see what she looks like when it's all done. But it's, you know, I mean, it's not like, oh, that girl got a lot of work done. She had her chin shaved down and she had her eyes done and. Her ears.

Yeah. Well, I don't know about her ears. They look pretty big still. Plastic surgery is pretty crazy what they can do. They can alter your shape. I see it. Look at that girl. Oh, my God.

Oh, dude, they shaved the fuck out of her jaw. That's insane. They turned her into a hottie. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing what they can do, right? But apparently it's super common. Super common in Korea. Wow, look at the before and after.

That's weird. Yeah, when I mess with a girl now, she don't got no baby pictures, I don't fuck around with her. You need to have some baby pictures, bitch. Yeah. Dude, when I used to work at a strip club i was like this dude he was hot i didn't know he was a dude but like he'd always hug me from the back and someone's like hey dog this guy right here he's uh i don't know what you're talking about this girl's a guy yeah girl was a guy he was on like transsexuals.com orange county calla and i

remember uh her stage name was monica and one time i was high and i was a manica i've never ever been like grabbed so hard like that like thrown out of my chair wow she got aggressive yeah and i remember after that always saying hey dog i need to see baby pictures of everybody yeah there's some that'll trick you that's for sure yeah you will never know unless they choose to tell you yeah like if you see what they're doing right now with chins and eyes imagine what they could do oh your nether regions. Yeah, it's going to get crazier. They could conjure up a vagina that looks like a work of art, I'm sure. It's probably, like, the best in the world.

It's probably a guy who's like, you know, the Frank Frazetta of surgical vaginas. Just makes this incredible work of art. Put some memory foam back in. I wonder if they've ever done that. I wonder if anybody's ever had like a vaginal implant to make your vagina tighter. You know, like they'll get boob jobs. Like you get a breast implant, makes your boobs poke out more. I think there is something like that.

The rejuvenation thing? Yeah, but I think they just tighten up the hole. Yeah, like the inside would be better. Yeah, they cut. I think the way they do it, and this is going to sound horrible, folks, I think they cut you, and then they merge the two sides and stitch you the fuck up,

and I think it hurts like a motherfucker. The things people are doing to satisfy each other. Yeah, we need more. Constantly. Constantly has to get better. More, more. Tighter, pussy. Make it tighter. It's all I got. It's all I got. Surgery. Constantly it has to get better. More. More. Tighter pussy. Make it tighter. That's all I got.

That's all I got. Surgery. Time for surgery. Increase in vaginal tightening surgeries worries doctors. Oh my god. Worries them. It's gonna make dicks shrink. We should let natural selection take its course.

Sam. I don't know. I mean, who cares? Can they do it i don't know why not if i was one of those girls and i had a crazy big fucked up jaw and they shrank it down and all of a sudden i became hot as fuck and everybody wanted to talk to me i think i'd spend my money wisely i would go for that yeah i mean hey exactly i mean if i had to do it i'd do it too but isn't it bizarre that there's a very specific shape that we like and we don't like when it comes to people? Whether it's the shape of the nose or shape of the jaw. Like, we agree.

Like, so much. This is too much. Too much jaw. Too much jaw. Like, there's a lot of variables. We don't get, like, long hair. Long hair doesn't bother me. Short hair doesn't bother me either.

Either one's okay. Like, those characteristics, we have, like, a lot of room. Oh lot of room oh she has curls oh okay who gives a fuck dreadlocks whatever who cares she shaves her head does she look good yeah who cares who cares you know what i mean but like a big jaw she got a big jaw oh fuck that fuck that can't deal with that look like that look for whatever reason that look freaks us out like the, it's like inconsequential because it's not, it's a part of you sort of, but you cut it, you don't even feel it. It's kind of weird that it even grows in the first place. Kind of weird lion's mane.

Are you growing off the top of your fucking head? It's weird, right? So we don't care of all the variables. Girls can have pink hair and shit, you know? Yeah, they're getting dick with any color hair right now. Yeah, but not with a big jaw. No. Big ass. Fucked up shoulders. I think shoulders job is maybe the next one too big Yeah, bigger shoulders like Tommy Hearns type shoulders. Yeah, like intimidating like some Lennox Lewis shoulders. Yeah

Yeah, you don't want that like when she's wearing a purse and it's like right by her ear. Maybe you want to conquer though Oh, I've had those dude I've down. Oh, I've had those, dude. I've had those. Yeah? I've had some big chicks. Like gangster bitches that are fine and cool and just fucking ruthless. You got to be real careful when your girl can kick your ass. Or maybe can kick your ass. Or at least hold her own.

Watch your P's and Q's. I got with this stripper once. I was like 6'3". Oh, my God. Yeah, she played volleyball and swam. Wow. And, oh, man. I mean, I'm average size, you know, but I got manhandled.

Like, you know, I was young. We were playing wrestling, and I was just like thrown and like, fuck, yeah. I just kept my cool with that girl. Wow. Yeah. She was much stronger than you? Yeah. And it was awesome,

dude. It was like, yeah, it was like an extra pump. It just like, it was weird. Wow. Damn,

I should have made my vein pop out. Why are you getting excited? Oh, I remember that bitch. Yeah. That's super athletes. Yeah. Like a w nba player if you get a w nba player to mate with an nba player what kind of super athlete would you get like good lord yeah you know or you know who i met

that's a super athlete what is that volleyball player woman's name she's very attractive this is like uh the one that yes gabrielle reese she's she's huge giant super athlete if you could get her and made her up with a brock lesnar are you kidding me what kind of super athlete would you do if you could get gabrielle reese and brock lesnar and mate them together shaquille neal lisa leslie yes super athletes you know Raquel Neal and Lisa Leslie. Yes. Super athletes. You know? There's some fucking super athletes out there in the world, too. There's so many athletes that you just go, what?

How is that even a person? How is that the same thing as me? You know? It's the way they're bred now, the way they're taught, the way they're coached. It's crazy. There's kids that are 13 years old taking creatine. My friends are my friends are a can you got money from my son's creatine? He's 13. Why are you giving this kid creatine? I wonder if that's even healthy That's probably unhealthy. I don't even think 13 year old kids are supposed to be lifting weights, right? They're only supposed to do like calisthenics and things like that

Like they think that weight itself can actually fuck with their bone growth because their bodies aren't designed to what if that's been disproven what if that's been disproven i don't know i was just talking with my dad about that the other day literally because there's a kid my age that when we were growing up started lifting a little earlier than everyone else and he just all through high school he fucked everyone up he was because he was that he had a right he was ahead of us all he was was a monster just because of that. I don't think he would have been smaller now than he was then. His dad's small. He would have been small his whole life anyway.

Maybe, huh? Yeah. Who knows? I don't know if it's a bullshit myth or not. See if you can find out. It's the same myth. Don't shoot the ball after you work out. Don't shoot around and mess up your jump shot.

No, it's the best thing because you're shooting tired. There's some people that look at it that way. That's what they would say about archery, too. You shouldn't do archery after you lift weights. Yeah, because you want to have control of your muscles, and when your muscles are fatigued, it's hard to control them. But you're playing in a fatigue game, fourth quarter. I see both. That was the philosophy in a lot of jujitsu schools.

You would do a lot of calisthenics, especially old school schools. You'd do a lot of calisthenics and you'd be fucking completely worn out before you ever start sparring. Oh. So before the beginning of class, push-ups and hip scoots, hip escapes, and go down the mat and back. You'd be doing crab, bear walks, walking on your hands and feet, that kind of shit. And you'd get completely exhausted.

Push-ups, sit-ups, and by burning you out with calisthenics, you were forced to use technique when you rolled. And then you would spar after all that? Yeah, you would do technique, you would do drills, and then you would wind up sparring. But most places don't do it that way anymore. Most places believe the best way to learn is actually to just warm up, do drills,

go over the technical aspects of it, then just spar hard and that you should be fresh when you're practicing technique. What is that saying? This is an article from Livestrong and I just went to dismissing the myths so we could get to the end of it. And it's, uh, it basically says that, I'll let you read it if you want. Okay. Contrast with suggestions of stunted growth among young weightlifters, Betsy Keller points out that weightlifting may be more effective than other forms of exercise in promoting bone growth and density among adolescents. Huh. So it actually might be healthier for them.

These researchers found that testosterone injections increase both bone length and density, suggesting that weightlifting's impact on testosterone may be beneficial. Huh. Veterans Administration Medical Center supports evidence in a 2008 study. Interesting. The lesson even says it might allow you to grow taller than you would have. Hmm. Interesting.

Hmm. Interesting. Yeah, who knows, man? You wouldn't want to fuck your kid up. You know, that's the thing like i've seen people that have their kids totally jacked at an early age i'm like boy again like how much pressure you're putting on that little guy is that what he wants to do your kid wants to do squats yeah i kind of think they don't fuck no i had all that pressure on me man my brother used to wake me up like in sixth grade come on watch you're gonna go

watch the freshman practice i was like why do i gotta go to this practice older brothers man make tough kids though yeah do you look at a kid who's like the youngest brother he's got a bunch of brothers that fuck with them those dudes usually know how to handle themselves because you're growing up in a combat situation your brothers are fucking with you constantly. Yeah, we're all a year apart. That's terrible. That's chaos. That little Hercules guy from a couple years ago. Yeah, that guy's too much. That's what he looks like now? He grew up and gave up on him.

He gave up on lifting weights? Yeah, there's an Inside Edition story on him last year. Poor little guy. That's what he looked like. Wasn't he on those myostatin inhibitor things or maybe? No, they don't have that in terms of a supplement. Some people are born with myostatin inhibitors.

It makes you grow much more muscle. Your body doesn't regulate the growth of muscle the way ours does. What do you mean? It's some weird genetic freak that they found in dogs called whippets and some cows that somehow or another, when they're breeding these dogs, they develop this genetic variation in what's called a myostatin inhibitor. And it allows, for some strange reason, like this is a real dog. This is a whippet that has this myostatin inhibitor issue. And these are some cows that have it too. And what it is is they just grow way more muscle.

So look at the size of that cow. I mean, it's incredible, right? So they figured out how to do it in mice. Like they figured out how to introduce these genes to mice and they develop these mice. They live longer. They're much more muscular. They have more endurance.

That's what their bodies look like. Yeah. It's what their bodies look like. Yeah. It's really kind of fascinating because it points to this idea that these little animals through this myostat inhibitor are like super animals. They become like super mice. That's what it looked like. Look at that little one on the right with all the muscles. It's crazy, man.

It's like a Samoan mouse. It's like a David Tula. Like a stacked up mouse. George, we just did three hours, man. It's like a Samoan mouse. It's like a David Tula stacked up mouse George we just did three hours man. Do it. It's over. Hey, it was fun. Fuck. Yeah, that's a great stories, man Thank you. We didn't even tell all of them. There was a gang of them that you were telling the story Well to do it again. Yeah, man. You educated me like crazy right now. Yeah, I was just a weed talking Fun man, and you're gonna be in Brea next weekend? Yes.

What's the days? October 29th and October 30th. Me and Red Band were doing the late shows at the Brea Improv. Beautiful. Brea Improv is the shit. That should be a really funny show. Yeah, it's great. You're a funny dude.

Red Band's funny. So that should be a great time. Thanks for coming, brother. I really appreciate it. Thank you. It was a lot of fun. All right, folks. We'll see you next week.

Bye-bye. Three hours, dude? Yeah, dude. Really appreciate it. Thank you. It was a lot of fun. All right, folks. We'll see you next week. Bye-bye. Three hours, dude? Yeah, dude. That shit up.