The Joe Rogan Experience - #86 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 4, 2011

This episode is only available as audio. Joe sits down with Tom Segura.

The Joe Rogan Experience is sponsored by Fleshlight. Go to JoeRogan.net and click the link on the right side. Use the coupon code ROGAN and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men, Fleshlight. And now, here's Joe Rogan Experience Special I am on a truck. It's called winning. And I am on a truck. It's called Charlie Sheen. Podcast on a Plane Productions presents Joe Rogan and the great Tom Segura on the way to Dallas en route to Louisville.

Woo-woo! Yeah, we're sitting here. Obviously first class. Winning. Winning 5 we're sitting here. Obviously, first class. Winning. Winning 5A and B. On our way to Mars. On our way to be rock stars from frickin' Mars. And we are on our way to do a show at the Louisville Improv on Wednesday.

By the time you get this, it'll probably be already over. Whatever, bitches. Sold out anyway. Holla! It's called winning. We're just starting to feel the edible. Right about kicking in now. Eh, Tommy?

Creep, creep. It's creeping on up from behind. Yeah. It's a nervous feeling the first time you ever do the breast trip on the plane or a cookie or whatever. The first time that I dosed you up, where were we headed to? Dude, we were headed to Tampa. We were going to Tampa.

You're like, yeah, you'll like it. Here, take a little bit. And I was gripping on to the fucking armrests, thinking about all the fucked up things I've done in my life. And I was just like, you know what, I'm just a bad, bad person. I was ready to cry. It's a real psychic cleaning. You know, it really does open up your psychic closet and just start pulling shit out and dusting it off. You know, a real good pot brownie. You know, I was listening to Terrence McKenna talk about eating pot

that, you know, a lot of the early Hindu texts, you know, dealt with eating marijuana and that, you know, that like for a lot of them, like that was like a really psychedelic experience, like just as psychedelic as mushrooms. You just got to eat it. You got to eat a lot of it. Yeah. People don't realize, man, if you don't, if you're not used to it, eating marijuana, we've talked about this on the podcast a hundred times, but for people who haven't heard this,

it creates a totally different chemical when you eat it called 11-hydroxymetabolite when it's processed by your liver, and it's four to five times more psychoactive than THC. It's a way stronger drug, but it's perfect for a plane. That's what it is. It's like, look, you're vulnerable. You're in this seat. You're not going anywhere. You're in this space.

You're 30,000 feet above the earth. If something goes wrong, you're not going anywhere you're you're in the space you're 30 000 feet above the earth you know something goes wrong you're fucked so you feel that vulnerability too and then when you get hit with that that pot edible oh goodness especially if you're not expecting it like if you're just not when it's a surprise it's a new ride man like when you're just like oh this will just be like any other time it's not but when like, you don't know what's going to happen, that shit straight up grabs you by the chest and is like, I'm fucking here. It scares you a little bit, man. I was terrified.

I mean, I really was freaking out, but when it was over, I actually did think that was a good thing. It just happened. Yes. I always feel like that. After the hardest, craziest, strangest trips where I get the most scared and I feel the most shitty about my life or about things I've done. Sometimes it's things I've done when I was like 13. Sure.

My God damn it. The old stuff. Yeah. Why am I still dwelling on this? I'm not doing that anymore. It's in a drawer somewhere in there. Yeah. You got to clean it out.

But these experiences, these plain, you know, anytime you eat pot, really, you don't have to do it on a plane. I mean, pot doesn't give a shit where you are. If you eat a really strong brownie, it'll really expose you to your vulnerabilities. You'll feel all fleshy and you'll feel real soft and easy to break. Yes, extremely fragile. Yes. Extremely fragile. Yeah. Like shaken fragile.

Like you just saw a fire or something and there was animals inside and you're traumatized. It's like that. Because it's so fucked up, in Amsterdam they stopped selling brownies and cookies and shit at the coffee shops. Did they really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Too many people get fucked up, man. They can't handle it. They stopped making mushrooms legal there too, unfortunately. But

pot and brownies are just as bad, man. You know what it's like? It's kind of like somebody calling you out on your shit for something that you did do. Right. And you didn't expect them to call you out on it. Yeah, and then, you know, like how that feels like, when that's happened to me, you feel that in your core. Yeah.

It's kind of an awful feeling. Yeah. But then it's also, after the awful feeling comes relief. Yes. Where you're like, well, now it's out there. Yeah. The thing that I was worried about, at least it's out there. Right, yeah, it's cleansing.

It is like cleansing, yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, people have this ability to block out certain parts of their behavior and personality. That's why idiots, you know, that's why we love calling people. We were just making fun of Steve Harvey on the way up here. So full of shit. He's so full of shit. And not just full of shit, but hilariously stupid. Like some of the shit that he says is just so dumb that I save his tweets.

And we were just reading them and then we watched uh kat williams uh dissect him kat williams did a show with him and just just just destroyed him and you know well what's funny about that is because you know steve harvey doesn't check himself steve harvey really thinks he's a bad motherfucker. He really thinks he's amazing. He thinks he's a messiah. Yeah. I see him, he goes on religious channels and I watch those videos

of him on like the Televangelist or the Trinity Broadcast Network. That's what it is, TVN. He actually did a comedy special for TVN. That's gotta be great. That's gotta be the best ever.

You need God in your life. You ain't got God in your life. You a silly person. Really going to be moving in so many ways. How much would you love to give Steve Harvey a big fat pot brownie and just watch him cry? That would be the most amazing thing ever.

It would be incredible. Yeah, I would love to. He was on the Trinity Broadcast Network talking about people who don't believe in God. You don't believe in God. You're silly. I ain't got nothing to say to you. You're silly.

Great bit. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's how I feel about everything that Steve Harvey says on stage. Wow. I don't know if it's actually even a joke. Like his special that I saw, I saw it on like TV like I think it was about a year ago.

Where he would just, he would just recap news stories and that was the bit. Like he was just reading headlines, you know, like the lady driving across Texas wearing her diaper. He just said, can you believe this woman drove across Texas in a diaper? And then shook his head like, hell no. That's the whole bit and then and then like the audience would fall out of their seat he was like on to the next door then I read a story about a man and I first saw him I first saw him in 1994 when I was doing the Montreal Comedy Festival and he was as

well and he went on stage and I was like this guy should be paying richard prior 50 of everything he makes because he was like doing a prior impression on stage he was doing richard pride on stage they didn't you know look first of all he's black they're canadian they're gonna be nice yeah you know but but i was watching and I was like, wow, this guy is like a fucking, he's sort of like, not a cover band, but like a guy doing an ACDC impression that's singing his own songs. You see that a lot. So I think in every generation, right, you see somebody doing...

You see a few hotels. It's always the early guys. I did that a bunch of times where i had to catch myself when i was starting out i when i was an open mic or i caught myself on stage so i'll never forget i was sounding exactly like richard jenny like i was doing his rhythm his cadence and i was a richard jenny fan so it kind of made sense but i was like wow like this is gross like i'm hearing myself sounding just like him. Would people say it to you, too? No, nobody said it to me.

I've heard people said to me Sam Kinison when I was starting out, too, which I definitely was influenced by him, too. But when I first saw Bill Hicks, he was doing Sam Kinison to the point where I was uncomfortable with it. He was doing the noises that Sam makes and talking like Sam. Really? Yeah. Well, he was really influenced by Kinison as well, comfortable with it it's like doing the noises that sam makes and talking like sam yeah well he was a really influenced by kinnison as well and kinnison was fucking huge at the time and hicks

was really just starting to be known in the comedy world i mean he never really got huge in mainstream in america you know even to this day you say bill hicks and you know only um the cool insiders know who really who he is you know It's not like saying Bill Cosby or something. No. But back then, he was really, really unknown. And I went to see him at the Comedy Connection, and it was a really small crowd. And he was doing kinesin, man.

I mean, for real. Parts of his act were like, you know, he was doing that, like, he's a demon, he's a demon. That was Sam. Yeah, it was like Sam. It was doing that they're like the demon he's a demon like yeah yeah it was like sam it was like doing sam you know but that's normal you know comics are influenced by other comics i've taken guys on the road with me too and saw them starting to talk like me and sound like me which is real weird yeah yeah it's normal man it's normal you know i see somebody crushing and then they'll sort of

imitate the crushing you know like mencia did that with me that was one of the first things like mencia never really stole any of my jokes because he knew i would fucking slap him and and but he he used to steal them on the road i used to hear stories on the road about him stealing but he never stole anything in front of me in town but what he did start doing is delivering jokes like me like he was sounding like me like his cadence is you know it's like this motherfucker is like it's you know it's like that was the only time it ever bothered me you know other times i've seen people do it and i was like wow it's kind of a compliment you know someone sounds like me you know but i think it's normal you know because comedy is it's such a weird thing to learn anyway it's like and it's like your your speech and your cadence on stage is kind of affected it's normal, you know, because comedy is such a weird thing to learn anyway. And it's like your speech and your cadence on stage is kind of affected.

It's kind of like you're putting on a different sort of a pattern of talking so that you could get your comedy across better. And then when you see someone who does it and it's really effective, you automatically sort of like internalize that. You know who I used to totally, like when I first started, you would say that I sounded like, and you're going to think I'm joking. Ralphie May. No, Chris Rock.

Really? Yeah, but not to the point, when you say Chris Rock, you start imagining the voice and everything. I mean, I wouldn't do that, but I essentially, because I was so obsessed with him before I started was like, before I started doing stand-up. This dumb motherfucker talking over my podcast. We don't care about your fucking service, where you're flying. Oh, we're lovely.

Excuse me, sir. You fucking mumble-mouth motherfucker. Can't even barely understand this guy. Imagine if this guy was telling you something important. Oh. Like that this isn't going well? Yeah. Excuse me?

Shut up. Shut your stupid hole. This whole system sucks. The sound system sucks. He's a mumbling prick. Anyway. That's a terrible mic. Yeah, it's terrible.

I don't want to ruin this Chris Rock story, so I'm just yapping over this until this motor mouth motherfucker shuts his pie hole. Here we go. All right, we're gone. So, but anyways, you know. So you didn't sound like him, but. I didn't sound the voice, but I started to like, I would pace how he paced. Really?

And I would crowd. I don't think, because I'm, this is, I'm talking like first two years in. You're not like going, I'm going to. What year was this? This would have been 2002 and 2003. And so he's, he's massive, right? I mean, he still is.

But, you know, at that point, I started watching him. Basically, I knew he was when I was a kid because he was on SNL. But when that Bring the Pain came out in like 95 or 96, I was in, I think that was when I was a kid because he was on SNL, but when that Bring the Pain came out in like 95 or 96 I was in I think that's when it came out I was in high school and I was like that for me was amazing that was amazing, that special

that guy was just, he blew my mind so then Bigger and Blacker came out when I was in college he was it you shut the fuck up Then Bigger and Blacker came out when I was in college. He was it. You shut the fuck up. Oh, God.

Sorry, folks. When you get podcasts on a plane, this is what you get. So you know that it's authentic. Because we could be pretending. We could be in my office right now. But you hear the sound in the background. That could just be a fan. We should do a fake podcast. Yes, we could do the airplane sound app where he just makes a noise like that. Yeah.

And we'll do announcements like this all the time. Is there an airplane sound app? Yeah. There is? Yeah, yeah. I have a noise app. So you can play it while you're on a phone call to pretend that you're on a plane call. Yes. Wow.

Absolutely. Why would you have it? What is it for? It's a noise app. So, like, if you hate to sleep in silence, you want white noise or radio. So you can just have it on an airplane? There's airplane noise, yeah. Wow.

So you can sleep on airplanes? Some people sleep on airplanes? I guess some people just like the noise of it, yeah. All right. So 2002, yeah. Alright, so 2002, 2003, so you're, you paced like him,

he was your favorite comedian? Yes, he was definitely my favorite comedian because I loved like, I mean, I loved that he was saying,

like breaking shit down, I loved that element of comedy and I loved the way he's basically like, this is basically this and this. Like, he does that so well.

Takes a semi-complicated thing and he just simplifies it, you know? He's really good at that. And he was also just fucking hilarious. Like, I would just piss my pants on those specials. So, but I'm saying, I wouldn't consciously then go on stage and go, I'm going to do Chris Rock,

but I was so influenced by him because he was like a comic that I was watching all the time I get that, what you mean if somebody were to hang out all the time how they would start then I would start to crouch on punchlines

he crouches when he hits punchlines I would start to do that and people would point out to me do you know that when you hit punchlines you're crouching would start to do that and people would point out to me, they're like, do you know that like when you, when you hit punchlines, you're crouching, like your shoulders are raising and you're crouching down.

And that's when I first went, that's Chris Rock. That's totally Chris Rock. And then people would be like, your fucking cadence is kind of urban. Did you know that? And I would be like, what? And they're like,

you have an urban cadence when you're on stage. I like how they say urban. Yeah. How did a city become synonymous with black people? I know, right? What? And they're like, you have an urban cadence when you're on stage. I like how they say urban. Yeah. How did a city become synonymous with black people? Yeah. I know, right?

Weird. Like it's only. It's a weird euphemism to not appear racist. So it is. Oh, he's urban. And you know what it makes you sound like? It doesn't necessarily make you sound racist. It makes you sound like you've never fucking even seen a black person in your life. You say urban?

Because you say urban. I someone says that i go this person doesn't talk even to black people ever or they're just super politically correct you know we don't realize that most people who have like regular jobs like you you have to like really next to me yeah all these fucks next to us it's poor pricks these poor pricks i fly with these poor pricks all the time. You know, the whole urban thing. It's a, that is a weird, it's a weird sentiment. When I was in Georgia, we were doing a show in Georgia. Thank you. Hot towel, bitches. That's how we roll. This is a podcast we're doing. Sorry. She was like, hot towel, bitches. What the hell is he talking about? Apologize. It's a racy, racy podcast. Joe Rogan Experience. We've been number one on iTunes before.

Her eyes lit up like he was saying. Yeah, I'm not supposed to be up here. I always feel like I'm not supposed to be up here. As much money as I've made and, you know, much success that I have on TV, I always feel completely illegitimate. Every time I'm in first class, I'm always expecting someone's going to come out here

and yank me out and stick me in the back. Every time I'm in first class, I'm always expecting someone's going to come out here and yank me out and stick me in the back. Every time I get in a limo... What prize did they win? Neither one of us have shaved in weeks. I know, it's funny. It's funny. All these poor fucks. In those slippery bottom shoes.

That guy can't run faster than anybody. My two-year-old daughter could run faster than him in those stupid shoes. Slippery-ass fucking stupid shoes. Back to urban. We were in Atlanta, and this racist white lady was telling us where to go and where not to go.

You know, like, hey, we're going to go get something to eat. Where should we go? She was like, well, you don't want to go to this place because it's got a lot of the elements wow that's like they're a combination of different things

earth wind and fire bitches she said the elements and we were like whoa we made her repeat it we made other people come over because it was so ridiculous the elements yeah it's actually so fuck it sounds so much worse than just dropping the fucking yeah yeah to be like you

know the elements it's like ouch dude the elements those elements like i never heard that one before that's a that's a unique one elements literally sounds like disease to me like you know i mean like you're essentially calling them a fucking disease. You know, it's really funny because all human beings are capable of speaking English and all human beings are capable of, you know, pretty much doing, on an individual basis, doing pretty much any job in the world. I mean, there's, you know, black surgeons and Chinese comedians and, you know, Chinese basketball players and Irish boxers.

I mean, anybody can pretty much do anything, right? So because of that, whenever you categorize people or generalize, you become racist. Instead of scientific. Shut up up there. Come on. God damn it. Now they're selling shit. Nobody wants to buy your stupid SkyMall bullshit.

What is the percentage of people that buy things off SkyMall? Is it even one? It can't be. It can't be. Anyway, what I was saying is any observations that you make about people, all of a sudden it's racist. If you say, hey, black people seem to like

to go to jail. You're a racist. Then if you look at it and say, well, look at the numbers of black people that are in jail. What is that? Well, it's economic. Oh, okay. Alright, well then if you look at it and say, well, look at the numbers of black people that are in jail. You know, well, what is that? Well, it's economic. Oh, okay. All right, well, let's look at poor white people.

Yeah. Well, it doesn't look like it's economic because it seems like a big disparity, you know? Or, you know, it could be anything. It could be saying that Chinese people have little dicks. Well, let's whip out all the Chinese dicks and whip them out right next to the African dicks. And let's see what's up. It's not racist. It's not racist. It's not racist.

But anything that you say that might hurt someone's feelings becomes racist. You know, where people don't want to accept it or deal with it or think about it, it becomes racist. Yeah, and I hate also that, I always have a thing about the word racist and how people use it to mean racial.

Right. Like, just because you make an you can make an observation right about a race it doesn't that isn't racist but people right like racist it's prejudice you're prejudging you have to have to make at some point at least the the suggestion the idea behind that somebody is inferior that's why that's what it is to be racist is to believe that one race, your race, or whichever race you're talking about, is superior. So even if you say, like, man, I think Chinese people smell like cotton candy

or whatever fucking... That's not racist. You're just saying a race. Well, I said this on Twitter once. I said, what's up with black dudes that like to talk on speakerphone when no one's around? Because I see it all the time. And I saw it, ironically, at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in L.A.

Yeah. A very black establishment. But if you've never been to L.A., quite goddamn delicious. It's phenomenal. Yeah. I don't know who invented the combination of chicken and waffles, but goddamn, it's a winner. Yeah. So I put that up.

What is it about some black guys? I even wrote some black guys that like to talk on speakerphone while no one's around. And all these people immediately jumped on me and like, that's a bit racist, don't you think? Racist much? Oh, look, Joe Rogan's a dick. Oh, showing your true colors. I was like, whoa, whoa, I can't.

First of all, what's wrong with talking on speakerphone? Nothing. There's nothing wrong with talking to someone on speakerphone. I'm simply asking why do a lot of black guys like to do it when no one's on the phone with them? No one's next to them. Right now, if you and I were talking to a third party,

we would have it on speakerphone and that would make sense. That way we could both hear. This is just a guy by himself talking on speakerphone loud. Like, I don't know what that's about. Like those commercials, where you at? Remember those commercials for Boost Mobile? Dudes were on speakerphone. And I was like, where you at? Where you at?

They're holding the phone away from their face and they're talking. I don't know why that appealed to black people. I think it was all about, I think it's because it's like a performance. And I think, I feel like a lot of black culture, like black men, like to put like it's a performance a lot of times for who's around. So it was about, it's a way to get attention. You know, it's a way to get attention. Well, you sound like a big fat racist. What do you think about that?

Well, you know, I've just been around black people. I think I know what I'm talking about. I think I'm being totally honest right now. You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that certain cultures like to do things. Most people in whatever race will admit to the thing you're talking about. Unless it's a fucking stupid thing that you're trying to... Well, there was plenty of people that agreed with me, and even black guys that agreed with me. Of course they did.

But there was a lot that got upset. But those are people that are either being dishonest or they hate something else in their life. So they're just attacking you. Some people are just oversensitive when they make shit up. It's also that they feel like they have the right to get angry at you. It's an opportunity to point out that you're being a dick. It's a chance to have some power in a conversation in their life. Because they're usually not in power.

Yeah, to call you on your bullshit and to be self-righteous and to be you know indignant to be upset it's it's a weird thing that people you know have that where it's like it's not even a rational thing like you can make fun of italians all day long and guess what i'll fucking be there right with you i think they're goofy you know i've my relatives are goofy fucks there's a lot of people that i grew up with that are goofy fucks you know italians are some of the showiest silliest most ego-driven people i've ever met in my life i don't feel upset when you talk about them doesn't doesn't hurt my feelings i don't get it yeah i know like you know this isn't racist but mexican people do taste like tacos like if you take a bite out of a Mexican person.

What the fuck is wrong with you? They taste like tacos. Okay, that is the pot cookie kicking in. That's the edible fella. They're delicious. Mexican people. I don't give a fuck about really any shit talking. White person's stereotype.

Dude, I don't care about any of them. And my mom's Peruvian. My dad's of, like, Spanish and French. I don't care about any of them. And my mom's Peruvian. My dad's of like Spanish and French. I don't give a fuck what you say about those. You speak fluent Spanish. I do, yeah. It's pretty weird coming out of your mouth. It is, right?

It sounds weird because you're so good at it. Like I've seen you have conversations with people. I was like, Tommy might be a fucking CIA agent or something here, man. This is crazy. You should see anybody that's brown that I'm talking to when I speak Spanish. Their eyes always light up like, like they were ready to talk some shit around you. Absolutely. People that are Latin are, are more blown away by a white person speaking Spanish than you would ever imagine. Really? Oh fuck. Yeah, man. That's funny, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, they'll just, I'll start speaking

Spanish and they'll just be like, what in the fuck, man, like, where did you come from? You're from Mars. Yeah. Well, eventually everyone's going to be speaking Spanish, right? Yeah, dude. It helps a lot, actually. More than I thought it would.

It's going to take over English eventually. It's the main language of the world. It just seems like they're breeding so much, it's like inevitable. It's almost, you know so how do you stop it have you been paying attention to all the shit that's going down in mexico um the drug violence stuff oh yeah it's insane it's so bad now it's getting worse and worse and worse it's just constantly accelerating it's actually one of the few times where like i usually usually pretty much read news without a lot of an emotional response. I kind of have a pretty high tolerance for just

bad news. I'm kind of a news junkie, you know? So I don't really ever feel that emotional. I feel like I just kind of just take it all in. And the violence in the stories from Mexico actually took it from, like, wow, fascinating, fascinating, to kind of terrifying, in a way. You know what I mean? Not where, like, I feel like someone's going to break into my house, but, like, where the stories became terrifying. Like in a movie where you're like, whoa, that's fucking scary that that just happened. Yeah, I mean, when you think about it, you're lucky, you know, that you were born here.

It's really just a roll of the dice. You had no say in that. Yeah, and it's other level where, like, you know, a kid... Patty's here to see us. Hi, Patty. Hi, hello. Would you like to say hi to everybody on the podcast? Hello.

Patty's very nice, and unfortunately we swore in front of her and shocked her. Can I get a Diet Coke please? It's a podcast It's for the internet It gets on the internet It's like a radio show It's on the internet And we do versions

Where we do them on a plane Because we usually do it in a studio But then we also do them on a plane So this is actually the This is like a radio show Hundreds of thousands of people Will listen to this Believe it or not

You gotta write it down for me for sure I'll write it down for you for sure Patty you're gonna freak out would you like something to drink? a Diet Coke please a bottle of water please I'm going for the brain cancer Donald Rumsfeld I have the latte

so uh what were we just talking about Mexican violence stories are scary like a guy will get elected, you know, and he'll just make one. He won't even make a challenging comment. He was like, you know, we hope things get safer around here. Dead.

Dead. That night, family dead. Did you hear about the couple that were in Texas? They were on a lake, the lake that borders Mexico. They were on the Mexican side of the lake. And these gang members, criminals, whatever they were, shot their husband, shot her husband. She escaped.

They're trying to investigate and find out who did it. So there's an investigator from Mexico. Immediately they kill him. Immediately. He's dead. Because it's a high-profile case. And they thought she was a suspect at some point. It's just got to be horrible for her. It was their honeymoon, I believe. Was it's a high-profile case. And they thought she was a suspect at some point. Which has got to be horrible for her.

It was their honeymoon, I believe. Was it? I think so. Yeah. Don't fuck around in Mexico, Jack. They killed, like, a whole school bus full of kids. You know? They went on a school bus and killed a bunch of kids.

And at a school. When was this? It's in the past year. Ugh. They've decapitated people, left notes stabbed into people. Oh yeah. Did you see the one, there was one recently where they chopped this guy up and the really funny part about it was they showed all of his body parts except in his hand he had his

penis and they blurred out the penis. They showed everything else. Really? Oh yeah. It was the most ridiculous blurring ever. Oh. I was like, what are you saving people? Thank you.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Yeah, it's a lot of, you know, fighting over control of the illegal drug turf. And what people don't know is that, or they may not know. Pull it, yeah. What people may not know is that this didn't exist just a little while ago, man. I went on a vacation to Cancun

in like 2005 and you never heard about drug violence back then. You never heard a peep about it. You didn't hear nothing about it. It didn't exist. I mean, it existed, I'm sure, but I mean, it wasn't a part of mainstream media and the news talking about it. It used to be like people were only scared of colombia like that i mean but it makes sense because the cartel was in its heyday in the 80s and 90s and now the power shift

moved the money has moved to mexico so there's always gonna be more violence where there's more money yeah there was that shift kind of occurred, the violence went with it. I watched an episode of the Anthony Bourdain show, No Reservations. You ever see that show? Oh, yeah. I love that show. Great. If you haven't seen it, he's a chef, and he travels all around the world eating their food and talking to their chefs.

Really good show, and he's an interesting guy. Yeah. He's a real dude. Like, he, you know, I hate watching a travel show where they're like, here's everything that's great. Like, he'll be like, this kind of fucking sucked. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, cool, like, it's not bullshit. Yeah, no, he's, he's straight up about it.

But anyway, he was in Colombia. I think he was in Medellin. And, you know, it was talking about how, maybe it was Bogota, I forget.

But it was talking about how great it was. Yeah. Like, the crime has gone down. The cartels have all been squashed. It's like, it's like, it's like, you can, you can hang out there. Yeah. Like, the crime has gone down, the cartels have all been squashed, it's like,

it's like, it's like you can, you can hang out there. It's like, it's not dangerous anymore. Yeah. I mean, you would hope

that that could happen in Mexico, but, part of the problem in Mexico is that it's connected to the United States. Yeah.

That's why everybody here gets the fuck about this, I guess. Well, there's an infinite supply of customers. If you're selling drugs, infinite supply of customers. And the problem is that the United States wants Mexico to keep drugs legal. Illegal, rather.

It wouldn't let them legalize it. It was a big issue. And so they recently have decriminalized pretty much everything. So this is really done under the radar. Mushrooms, acid, marijuana, everything is decriminalized in Mexico. Doesn't mean you can sell it. Doesn't mean you can have large portions of it where it looks like you're selling it. But if you're just a guy who gets caught with some coke, it's not even against the law.

That just speaks to the hypocrisy of the people in charge there, because if they're saying that it's such a problem, and they want to fight it, and it's basically the reason why there's violence, then why would you decriminalize? Why would it be okay to decriminalize?

Well, they do that to tie up resources, because they're not going to go after the individual users. They only go after the individual users. They only go after the cartels. And they did it because the resources were completely, you know, they had no people to allocate towards the cartels. They had to focus on the important part. The important part is the people that are selling money and committing violence. Or selling, rather, drugs, making a lot of money, and committing violence.

So that's basically a free up. Yes. All right. Free up resources. And because and committing violence. That's the important part. So it's basically a free up. Yes. People, all right. Free up resources. And because they wanted to do it in the first place. They wanted it to be legal, but the United States wouldn't let them. The United States would not let Mexico make drugs legal. You know, they wanted to make it legal so that, you know, I mean, look, we all, that's a tough, touchy subject with people.

You know, it's like, hey, what about the children? Well, guess what? I don't want babies drinking whiskey either. You know what I mean? And whiskey's fucking legal, and it didn't used to be. At one point in time, whiskey was illegal, just like heroin is today. And it was a big thing. And that's how organized crime came into power in this country.

That's where the mob came from. That's where Al Capone came from. That's where the fucking Kennedys came from. That's where they got their money. Moonshine, baby. Whiskey mills. You know, there were. People were doing that and making illegal drinking, illegal booze, and making a fuckload of money. And the rise of organized crime came about because of that. But somehow in this fucking stupid country, we never learned. We don't learn the really obvious lesson. Hillary Clinton

gave an interview recently where she was talking about, they were talking about Mexico and they were talking about legalized drugs, legalizing them, if that would solve the issue. She goes, you can't do that, there's just too much money involved. Like, what does that even mean? That's a stupid, ignorant, short-sighted way of looking at it. Oh, there's too much money involved so you can't make it legal. First of all, who the fuck is one person, when we really get down to it,

to tell another person what they can and can't buy or sell? Especially when you're dealing with heroin, or when you're dealing with pot, or you're dealing with anything that just grows here. Do you think it should all be decriminalized? Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, if meth... If all drugs were legal meth included I don't think more people would be doing meth

the people that are doing meth are idiots in the first place well yeah there would be more people dying of it but that would also educate the intelligent people well I don't want to be like

that guy that died of it you know will some people be sacrificed because of it that's a question I mean that's possible you know I wouldn't want it to be my children or my friends or my friends children but neither would you but that just

means you have to be more diligent in how you raise your kids and how aware you are you know and people say i don't have the time for that well what you're really saying is you don't have the time for kids yeah you know because that's part of being a fucking parent man i mean i don't i don't want anybody that i know to be doing heroin or coke or meth or anything like that, but as long as you can go to a CVS drugstore and buy enough whiskey to drink yourself to death easily, anybody could do that. Yeah, you could. What is the difference between that and meth? I'm confused.

I don't know. I guess I never thought of like making the hard work more hardcore stuff legal I always assumed that keeping that stuff illegal was a good thing but maybe the same people

that are doing it when it's illegal would just you know they'd be the same people doing it legal I would not argue don't get me wrong

like I would not argue about meth being illegal or heroin being illegal yeah like I have no problem with that. Like, if you want to keep it illegal, absolutely. But really what it boils down to is that what I'm saying is that the stuff that I like,

like mushrooms and marijuana and all those things, those are just as illegal, if not more illegal, and that's completely ridiculous. That is ridiculous. Because actually in some, maybe in California, they have like a higher, like, no, they have, no, it can't be California. One of the states has it where marijuana is criminally the same level felony that like heroin is. Well, it's not.

It's more illegal than heroin. Or is that, but it's more illegal than cocaine too because it's medical uses. Yeah, it's federally. See, that's insane. Yeah, more illegal than cocaine too because there's medical uses. Yeah, it's federally. See, that's insane. Yeah, more illegal. That's insane. That directly has to be tied to the money behind it.

Of course it is. Because it can't be tied to its power. And because there's pharmaceutical uses for opiates where you can sell opiates, which are essentially synthetic heroin, like Oxycontins and shit like that. That's synthetic heroin. Yeah. So because there's medical uses for it, it's a Schedule 2. Whereas marijuana is Schedule 1.

That's so insane. Yeah, it's completely ridiculous. And it flies in the face of logic, and it makes you feel like you're being insulted. Your intelligence is being insulted. I just don't think that anybody should be able to tell anybody else what to do. But if you're talking about keeping like heroin out of your community and then you should make it you know make it like illegal in a town or illegal in a state absolutely i'm down for that i'm totally

down for the community stepping in and protecting people from things that can be demonstrated as being dangerous or deadly but when you get to like pot and mushrooms it's like who the fuck are you to tell people what to and to not you know know, what they can and can't do? No, that really is, more than anything, like a huge waste of resources. Things that could be better spent as far as time and crazy amounts of money would be freed up for, you know, for making, for decriminalizing marijuana and mushrooms. Like, that's just such a waste. Even worse than that, it creates a whole industry behind keeping it illegal. Yeah.

From private prisons to cops. To just more money. To DEA agents. I mean, that's one of the reasons why it's been argued that you can't make marijuana illegal is because you would lose all these jobs. Or you can't make it legal, rather, because you would lose all these jobs. And can't can't make it legal rather because you would lose all these jobs and that's just completely fucking silly like just because you get your job is cutting off puppies heads you know like well we can't make puppies head cutting off illegal because then we'll lose all these jobs these guys are out there chopping off puppies heads like it's a dumb way

of looking at it man it is but we have big government in this country man and people like whenever they talk about creating new jobs and there's programs to create new jobs i hear that but i also hear all right you're just all the fuck you're doing is you're you're making the government bigger you're by creating new jobs you're just making the government larger and and and more intertwined in our life it's not necessarily like governing or helping or, you know, using my tax dollars to the best advantage. We're just creating more jobs by making things, you know, where you have to fill out paperwork for certain things.

It's just the more government you have, the more fucking problems you have, and the more you can't downsize it. The more, you know, you have a bunch of people lobbying to keep things illegal that have been demonstrated as being not dangerous or or bad at all and they just do it because they want to keep the jobs yeah it's always about money man money drives everything money money has an effect on every single law. There's nothing that is completely easy and legal that's worth a lot of money. It doesn't have some type of either law attached to it or back end being kicked. But it's also in a good way, too.

Bad or good. I mean, money drives movies. You can't spend $500 million on a movie like Avatar unless you know that it's going to sell. And they knew that that movie was going to be a goddamn blockbuster. So money drives it, and guess what? You and I get to see it and go, holy shit, this is fucking awesome. This is fucking amazing. Yeah, I mean, money drives cars.

Like, you want to buy a Porsche? Listen, Porsches, you know, take away all the stereotypes of midlife crisis cars and all that good stuff. It's a fucking amazingly engineered piece of machinery. And there's only one way to make that. It costs a fuckload of money, and you have to spend a lot of money and time developing and creating these things. And then you have to make sure

that there's going to be someone who's got a shitload of money that's willing to step in and buy these things. So money drives things in a good way and in a bad way. But my problem is not with money moving things. My problem is with government. I just think we have an enormous amount of government in this country that's completely and totally unnecessary.

And we just have it there because it creates jobs and because a lot of, especially Democrats, love that shit. They love to create and make the government bigger. Although the government grew in the Bush administration, from the Clinton administration, just because of all this keep America safe shit that was going on. Oh, that had to create so many thousands of jobs. Fuck yeah, man.

Fuck yeah. Absolutely. 9-11 made everybody a lot of money. That's insane. It is insane. You remember when they were doing the code orange? Remember that shit? Code red, code orange, code yellow.

They recently gave that up. Yeah, they just did, right? Yeah. It's too bad. I used to love the early days of it. Going to USA Today. It was always fucking orange. And orange was heightened alert.

Yes. So we were always at heightened alert. Yes. And, you know, there's people out there, so you don't even know how hard this government works because all our military and all our Secret Service and all our CIA, they are stopping terrorist attacks every day of the

week. You just sit in your little comfortable house and feel real good while warriors out there protect you from evil. And may or may not be true. I mean, I know that they do a great job and people are busting their ass every day. Yes, but you know what else they do?

They also set young dummies up and give them fake bombs and then arrest them like they did to that guy in Dallas. Remember that? I think he was going to do it in... I think he was from Dallas and he was going to do it in Colorado. I think it was in Denver.

I forget. I forget what the state was, but this kid was a fucking idiot and he was spouting off about how he wanted to get back in America and he was a part of some radical Muslim group and they fucking contacted this guy.

The FBI got in with him, hooked him up, gave him a bomb. The bomb was fake and then they arrested his ass. Holy shit. Yeah, man. They do shit like that. They get you to do things and then once you do it, then they arrested his ass holy shit yeah man they do shit like that they get you to do things and then once you do it then they jack you that's well part of me likes it though because i'm like yeah i like that they're out there exposing those retards yeah go get that dummy give him a fake bomb and then put him in a fucking jail because if he was willing to pull the trigger

on that fake bomb i don't care if he's coerced. I don't care if you made it sound a lot better than it really is to him. You made it sound wonderful. But that fucking dummy was willing to do that. Kill him. Lock him in jail. Toss him away. Oh, yeah. That easily influenced of a mind.

Yeah. It doesn't deserve to be free either way. Yeah, there was another guy recently. I believe it was in Seattle. Seattle or Portland, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. Another guy, same thing. They totally set his ass up.

They did? Set his ass up and locked him up. Yeah, locked him up. It's amazing. You know what? The world is missing nothing by those guys being locked up. Yeah, nothing.

Nothing at all. Nothing. Nobody, nobody misses their best friend because that guy doesn't have one. Yeah. A gutter shithead. Probably owes child support. Remember the guy in New York?

The guy that, he just fucked up. He came really close. He just did a shitty job constructing his truck bomb. But if that thing went off, you know, that fucking thing was going to kill, you know, who knows how many hundreds of people. Or a thousand. I don't know how much power is detonated by one of those truck bombs. But this dummy just didn't have the right system set up to detonate it. But he was willing to do it, man.

There are people out there that are fucking dumb as shit and willing to do it. How about those Somali pirates, dude? Amazing. Those guys put it all on the line. It's horrible what they do. They're willing, like, the type of mind that is willing to try it. Yeah, kidnapping and die. Yeah, they shoot at U.S. warships, man. They shoot at everything.

They shoot fucking rocket-propelled hand grenades. They shoot them at warships. That shows you how bad shit has to be in Somalia. It's got to be the fucking worst place to live. Where doing that shit, fucking let's go kidnap people on a boat, is a better option. Well, do you know how it all happened? The Somali pirates used to be called, they initially started to call themselves theer Coast Guard of Somalia. And they started kidnapping European ships because European ships were dumping things in their water.

And it was killing all their fish. And that was their income. They were their fishermen. So they got upset at these companies dumping all this toxic waste into their waters. So they kidnapped one. And they held them up for ransom. They got like a bucks and then they were like fuck fishing and then they went crazy and just started making it their number one thing now now they're going hundreds and hundreds of miles away from somalia and jacking people and the people don't have to be anywhere near somalia or the even the gulf of

aden they just caught um they got 23 people yesterday. They kidnapped them, and then they killed those people just a couple days ago. The two couples, yeah. Four of them. Yeah, man. It's sad shit, man. That's really fucked up. Sad shit.

It would make me never even go to that coastline. Yeah, fuck. Dude, Africa. I would never be around there. Africa, in a nutshell, is absolutely insane. I've watched so many documentaries on Africa, and I've watched a bunch on the Congo, and it's just, it's so weird how crazy it is there.

I mean, it really is like, I mean, Somalia basically has no government. It's a completely lawless place. Yeah, totally. Yeah, they have warlords who just drive around in Mercedes with guns hanging out the windows. You know? And those guys become the stars of the neighborhood. Those guys are making all the money.

Yeah. You know? Could you imagine, man? I mean, forget about being born in Mexico. Imagine being born there. Oh, my God. You just have such... And that just shows you how lucky you are to Imagine being born there. Oh my god. You just have such... And that just shows you how lucky you are

to not be born there. That there's that many people that through nothing, no choice or decision, that's just where you live your life. In fucking Somalia. Yeah, no kidding, man. Where like, shit...

You live in a war zone from the day you're born. Yeah, pretty ridiculous. It's totally ridiculous. And then like that somebody else just happens to be born in Bel Air and that's their existence. That's just what they do as they're born there. Yeah, just lucky. Come on Seven.

Or you did something super awesome in another life. Yeah. You know? Or super shitty. Yeah. Yeah. Or super shitty. Yeah.

You ever wonder about that, man? Yeah. You know, like, what made you born, were you born in Ohio? Is that where you were born? Yeah, Cincinnati, yeah. You know, what did you do in the past life? Did you believe in reincarnation? I don't know.

I thought about it. I don't know if I actually really buy into that concept. But I do fucking think that like, I do think sometimes like, when I'm feeling really shitty about myself, I'll be like, what the fuck did I do to be so lucky, you know?

Right. Like to have a good life. Right. Like what, why am I lucky when someone's life is so fucking terrible? Yeah. And I have no answer for that. I don't, you know, I don't know if there is one.

Yeah, I don't know if there is one either. I always thought about reincarnation that it's silly to believe or disbelieve it. It's completely silly to believe it. I can see that. But why not? I mean, look, just the fact that you're alive and that you, you know, whatever it is that carries your personality in it, whether it's a soul or a consciousness or whatever you are,

just that it exists alone in this state, in this body, is fucking weird enough, man. Why wouldn't it travel from this life to the next one why wouldn't you know a soul leave this dimension and enter into a new physical body maybe even a totally new dimension i mean maybe maybe our thing about reincarnation is off because it's not reincarnation like you live one life on this earth and then you come back and you're born as a baby you live another life no you might die and enter into some unrecognizable new sort of a fucking frequency of life. Something completely different in the next stage.

I mean that could be what evolution or what rather reincarnation really is. Is that your soul evolves as your physical being and your universe evolves and it moves and changes from one thing into the next or you're just dead and it could be all bullshit could be all just tricks your brain's trying to play on you yeah i think believing or disbelieving any of those things it's interesting to consider all the possibilities but believing or disbelieving very very little difference between that and religion oh yeah absolutely very little i mean mean, that's why I always think hearing the different

theories from each religion is interesting. I really don't have a problem with people's different beliefs about what happened. I don't feel one way that like, no dude, this is definitely what happened. Right, you can't. I don't understand how anybody actually goes, well then here's what happens after that.

You talk to a guy and then you get a glass of milk, and then you go, like, really? Do you know all the fucking details of what happens? Seriously? Well, all you have to do is pretend that you know that and talk confidently, and you'll have a cult. Yeah. It's that simple. It's that easy. I mean, that's the amazing thing about people is that we're so fucking insecure and confused

that all someone has to do is come along and speak confidently and we listen. Absolutely. They can say the most ridiculous shit ever and there'll be at least a few people that'll be into what they're saying. Yeah, believing in anything, believing in anything that you can't prove, anything that's not, I mean, it's just, you're choosing a box that you're going to put your thoughts in. And once you do that, man, anything that's outside that box, you've discredited, you've left it out of the realm of possibility. something on a thought process and a pattern of behavior that is from a long time ago when people knew almost nothing about science, almost nothing about the nature of reality.

I mean, even though we don't know that much about it now, I mean, we know way more about it than they knew 3,000 years ago when they were writing the Bible. You know, when you read the shit that does exist in the Bible, all the shit about women being second-class citizens and condoning slavery, and, I mean, it's like, why would you believe anything from it? How come you can cherry-pick from the nonsense?

You have to pick and choose. It's hard. But you either pick and choose, or you blanket embrace it. You know what I mean? Right. Or you blanket reject it. But the people that blanket embrace it you know i mean right or you blanket reject it but the people that blanket accept it yeah always sound insane there's no such thing as somebody who across the board

loves it and goes you know what uh i'm a rational person you have to pick and choose yeah otherwise it's too crazy were you ever religious at any point in your life? Yeah, totally. Yeah? When? Well, growing up, I was just raised in a Catholic household. So it wasn't super strict, but it was just kind of intensified. And so you're just raised like, this is the way it is. You know, pray a lot. When did you start to think it was horse shit? Actually, I was really affected by, a lot

by the scandal thing. When the, that kind of put me off. Which one? Like, when the initial huge rush of all the pedophilia charges against the Catholic Church came. There's always been select, but when that big rush of them

where it was like, no, this is a massive problem, that really fucked me up. It's really hard to not start having doubts about people that I was raised. How old were you when this happened you think when you're aware of it always stories but i i wasn't it wasn't till i was a teenager i was like like i know there's there's great people in the catholic church like i know great great amazing people sure there's great moonies there's great scientologists yeah but i like but we're like like the people are truly what it is to be good.

Like, I know priests are just, like, amazing human beings. I'm sure. But when you think about the magnitude of one organization that was essentially, like, running an operation that was designed to give people opportunities to have a chance to fuck kids. That's what it is. It really is what it is. That is really traumatizing

to what I thought of the church before that happened. It's like a hard thing to even say because it feels like such a betrayal like of what you were raised to believe was just something that is so good yeah that the thing that is so good and beautiful it's supposed to be so wonderful is harboring essentially the worst

type of criminal you know i mean it seems like there's so much harboring too that it really must be on purpose and it must be that there's so many pedophiles that it's literally how they run things and how

and they don't want people to get caught because they don't want to get caught I mean and then you know they probably pull the guy who got caught aside

and go silly bitch you know why are you trying to convince kids to suck your dick there's plenty of kids who'll suck your dick you don't have to force them down you don't have to force them down.

You don't have to rape them. I still struggle today with the fact of wanting to believe that the church is what is perfect and good in the world. Because that was such a big part of how I was raised to facing the reality of what it has become. Wow, that still bugs you. It still bothers me, yeah. Wow. Well, because it essentially is like being, like, essentially being betrayed by, like, a best friend, right?

Or a family member, yeah. Or a family, it's like, but it's like a horrible betrayal. Yeah. Where, like, something you can't even fathom, you know? That's what it feels like to me, like, even though I wasn't ever super religious, it was that they ruined the place that I thought was the safe haven in the world you know the amazing thing is that no one prosecutes them and internationally these guys could travel back and forth and no one treats them as sex criminals like ratzinger the current pope that guy has

actively sought to shield child molesters from prosecution. It is 100% provable. When he was the, whatever the fuck he was, the Grand Poobah in Arizona, I think he was, or New Mexico. I don't remember where the fuck he was. But he was, there's all these papers and documents showing that he's moving guys around and trying not to get them prosecuted. And they would just pluck a pedophile preacher out and put him in a new place where they can fuck kids. It's the absolute, for me, and the way I feel,

it's the worst crime that a human being could do. It's one of them. It's something to children, like to hurt children is. Yes. It's so fucking, it's such the most horrifying thing. You ruin someone's life forever. And they were a an organization that basically was like it was like a it was like a hiring service for that

yeah it was like do you want to do that that's what they became yeah it's like you know sort of like al scientology they uh they say with celebrities that they protect the celebrity and they do their pr and they create a public persona for them and actively cultivate it and work for it. It's one of the reasons why they've been accused of having a bunch of gay celebrities and setting them up and making them look like they're straight and then aggressively going after anybody who questions it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, basically, this is what the Catholic Church did. They're pedophiles. And that's the thing is that it's not just the crime the act of the physical crime that was being committed but the level of corruption makes it that much worse.

Yeah, it's what's really scary is that no one's done anything about it. I mean besides individual preachers and priests getting caught and arrested no one's done anything about it on a big level. Like no one's ever like audited the Catholic Church's records and said, listen, we need to find out what you have and haven't done and and we're gonna start arresting some of you fucking freaks. Like when Ratzinger has, I mean,

it's been proven that the current Pope shielded child molesters. Why is he allowed to travel to america why isn't he arrested why don't they pull him aside i mean it doesn't make any sense he's a fucking criminal that's criminal behavior if that guy was working for donut world you know and all of his managers were bonin kids in the bathrooms at donut world and then it was shown that he was shielding his uh managers from you know from from being prosecuted he would go to jail he wouldn't be making donuts anymore he definitely wouldn't be able to travel from country to country you know richard dawkins it was rich dawkins or

hitchens i forget what might have been christopher hitchens they were you know campaigning to have him arrested for for fucking crimes against humanity campaigning to have him arrested for fucking crimes against humanity. Campaigning to have him arrested for pedophilia, you know, for what the fuck he's doing. It's horrible. It's the worst thing you can do. Meanwhile, they just fucking fly around. And, you know, I mean, he travels all over the world. There's a video of him being entertained by these shirtless male acrobats. It is one of the creepiest gayest things

you see it it was incredible the pope and the gayest looking manscaped waxed eyebrows dyed hair weird gay looking guys and they're doing their acrobatic bullshit in front of him and he's clapping with his withered old finger fucking kid hands they all like they look they're all like gymnasts and they have on like weird gymnast pants and they're shirtless tights yeah and they have and they're shirtless with like just like wrist tape and uh after like every moment they would kind of pose look like they were kind of flexed like they were saying i've really and they would kind of like look at them weird and smile at them and it's the fucking you feel violated because like it's like they're looking

at you and it's but it's it's it's like a team of of weird uh gay aggravation is coming at you like they're about to do something to you it's creepy as shit shit. It's so creepy. It's creepy. It's amazing how much he looks like that bad guy from Star Wars. The old guy. Have you ever seen the comparisons online, the photos? No. It's hilarious, dude. It is amazing.

Him with his goofy ass robe on. That is one of the weirdest things. And nobody mocks the outfit. I know. With his stupid fucking fish head hat like whatever that thing is it looks like a fish with its mouth open yeah why don't you why don't there's a point where tradition just becomes you know what that's too old of a tradition let's switch it up yeah all their bishop outfits their card they should just change it to like starter jackets and just go to

like a later era but all have the same thing like we all rock starter jackets. Let's just go to a later era, but all have the same thing. We're all going to wear starter jackets. Starter jackets from the 1920s Red Sox. Yeah, dude. Fucking Vatican style. That's hilarious. With a big V on the back. V for Vatican. Just do that for the next 800 years, and then they adopt a new thing.

Right. If you're really connected to God, does it matter what you're wearing? That seems to be completely silly. Like, why would you have to wear a stupid outfit? That's why I've always goofed on monks. Like, no, they don't have it together. If you had it together, why would you be wearing that goddamn bathrobe everywhere? That's the most ridiculous shit ever.

Yeah, and here's the thing. If you're not wearing that, are your beliefs gone or something? No. You can wear whatever you want. Like, it's silly to think that, like, just because you have the hat on. Well, I also think, I think people have a big difficulty in being trapped by certain things in life, whether it's material possessions or relationships or whatever, but it doesn't mean that you should be a monk and avoid everything because you can't handle it, because that's

what they're doing. It's like they're missing out on some of the most amazing parts of life. Relationships? You don't have a sexual relationship with someone. You don't have children. You're, you're committed to a life of abstinence and you think you got your shit together. That's ridiculously stupid. That's, you're just doing a workaround for the shit about being a human that you can't manage and handle. You can't handle material possessions. You can't handle competition. You can't handle material possessions you can't handle competition you can't handle sexual behavior you can't handle relationships so what are you going to do you're going to dress like a fucking pop tart and live in a in a house with a bunch of other weirdos you know yeah i mean but some of them are like i feel like there are a few people that are made to just have almost like lives of just ultimate like eternal goodness like

yeah they're just super good people and i think some of them go to that yes but i do feel like a lot of people use uh any lifestyle choice that is extreme and you're going to that it's because you're trying to escape something yes Yes, I think for a lot of people. So I think there's a lot of people that's an escape too. I think some are just on a search. Some are searching for the answers and they're trying to separate themselves from some of the

worldly vices that have controlled them and made their life a mess. I kind of see that. But I just see for so many of them, it just seems like it's such a silly way to fucking live. You know? It's like you're missing out on all the fun, man. Yeah.

You're missing out on joy. Yeah. Do you have to? You know, do you have to miss out on the fun? Does it have to be that way? You know? Absolutely. I have a friend that became a monk.

Really? Yeah. A real live monk, man. Moved to a monastery and everything. My friend Joe Diggs. Joe Diggs was a Taekwondo guy that I used to train with. And this was back when I was a young kid. And he used to get real nervous about fighting, about fighting in tournaments

and real nervous about sparring days. You know, sparring is fucking dangerous, man. You know, you're throwing kicks dangerous, man. You know, you're throwing kicks at each other and guys get knocked out all the time. We would, we would always have, guys would always get knocked out in class. It would happen all the time. It's scary. You know, your friends would get kicked in the head right in front of you and dropped. So he had a lot of anxiety about sparring. And what he decided to do was start meditating. So he really got into transcendental meditation and different types of meditation and started studying Buddhism. And then he started going to a monastery to learn meditation. And he decided to give up his life and join the monastery.

Dude, he gave up everything. He gave up his material possessions. He had certain tasks that he was supposed to do at the monastery, like cleaning and different things that he had to do. And he was given a Zen cone to try to meditate on. You know, it's like the sound of one hand clapping, you know, one of those type of things. You know what those are?

It's like a riddle that you really can't answer. And it was something like a cow says moo or something like that. It was like really something like completely bizarre. Like I remember him telling me what this question was that he was supposed to contemplate until he achieved enlightenment. I was like, wow, this is the weirdest thing ever. idea of giving up his material life and really really studying the mind and disciplining himself and exploring his his internal consciousness you know he really he was a guy that was probably like in his late 30s when this this happened to him and he was a little disillusioned by life out there in the workplace and and what he was doing and so this was like a real opportunity for him to not live like everybody else.

So he went into it, man. He went right into it. Is he happy? I don't know because I never stayed close with him. You know, he's just a guy that I knew from back then. And, you know, we went out to lunch a couple times after he became a monk and he was only eating vegetables. You know, he had become completely vegetarian.

And he was saying that he liked it. He didn't like the no sex part. Didn't like that. Yeah. That was kind of freaky to him, you know. But he kind of understood that your relationships can get in the way of your meditation and your work. He would meditate eight hours a day, man. That's incredible.

Yeah. That's really incredible. Yeah, how weird, huh? Yeah. It's such an extreme thing to do it's really like going it's as extreme as going the opposite direction you know i mean like when you let everything just go to shit and you live like a fucking lunatic and you're just partying all the time right that's an extreme yeah so is meditating eight hours that's the

extreme thing to do yeah i don't know man that seems like it's... I mean, I know people do it and they claim to be happy, but it just seems like it's so out of balance. I always feel like they don't have good friends. It's like you're missing out on all the fun stuff.

Right. It's like, why would you want to... I mean, I guess do whatever the fuck that makes you happy and everyone's got their own makeup and everyone's different. Everyone's got their own structure. You know, they appreciate

different things. I get all that, but I just feel like you should be having fun, man. This life is fun. If you have a bunch of cool friends and you go do fun shit, you can have a great goddamn time. And the laughter and the heightened experience is like something to be enjoyed. There's a lot of things that are enjoyable about this life. And I think so many people get alienated from those things by work

and by obligation by debt by you know all these things that they're forced to do that they don't like to do and they forget that if you didn't have this if you just like you know I'm not trying to rub this in but they'll be living the life of a comedian all you're doing is you're traveling from one place to the next where you meet a bunch of people who are excited to see you and you're going to make them laugh and everyone's going to have fun. You're going to laugh about shit and there really is no inappropriate in your vernacular or vocabulary because nothing's inappropriate to you. It's all just thinking about life.

So it's like you live this fucking great existence, man. But every now and then I'll fucking sit down and I'll talk to some dude who's an accountant or, or, you know, has some other fucking job. And you realize how rough it is if you have to be a part of the normal system. If you have to be stuck in the normal grind, man, it fucking sucks. It's soul-stealing shit, man. That's what depressed me, man. Yeah? What'd you do? I mean, I had a bunch of jobs and everything that was, you know, having an office job was depressing to me.

I mean, I worked from college. I worked as a marketing, like, you know, employee at a company that made grocery carts. That was a job. Selling knives. I sold cut-code knives one time. God damn. That was a job. Selling knives. I sold cut-code knives one time. God damn. That was in college. I did, uh... I worked in post-production for a long time on shows. Just, you know, scheduling stuff. It's just fucking...

Being in that 9 to 5 mode was depressing. It is depressing. It was a horrible thing. I just hated the hierarchy. All of it. It's most people's reality. Horrible. I avoided so much of it. I had some 9 to 5

gigs, but most of it was construction. So it wasn't really 9 to 5. It was 7 to 3 or something like that. And most of it was part-time stuff or not part-time but you know temporary where i do it for a couple months and i'll quit and go do something else because i could i just couldn't take it i did my best to try to you know figure out a way to make a living outside of that so i was doing like i was delivering newspapers in the morning because

that was only a few hours every morning it was seven days a week but but it was only a few hours except on Sunday was a big day. But I was like, okay, well, I can make some money this way. And then let me add some little thing in the daytime. I started driving cars in the daytime, doing limo driving. That was only like a few days a week. So I was like, well, this is good. So now I'm sort of working full time. I'm really working 40 hours, but it's not all in the same place.

So it's not driving me nuts Yeah, and it's not doing anything where I had constantly have to be around a boss or constantly have to be in an office You know when I was delivering newspapers. I was in my car and when I was Driving limos you know you're picking people up at the airport all kinds of different folks You're interacting with it's it was way better than you know being stuck in an office I think if I couldn't do this and I had to get a real job again, I would actually do construction. I did construction when I was in high school. Would you really?

I hate the office that much where I actually feel like construction and shit is really more rewarding work. Really? It was the hardest stuff. It was in the summers in Florida when I was in high school. But at the end of the day, I felt better about myself and was happier than any office job that I had. Wow. I would rather be sweating and sore than being in the office.

Wow. Yeah, I did a lot of gigs when I was a kid, when I was in high school. Yeah, I did a lot of gigs when I was a kid, when I was in high school. My dad was an architect growing up, and so he got me jobs on construction sites, doing a lot of laboring. I did some, you know, like some summers I would do laboring, and then I did like some carpentry apprenticeship stuff. Your dad was an architect? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. So I was always around construction sites, so I did a lot of them. But the hardest one I ever had, I was working with my friend Jimmy. He got me this job on the crew that he worked on. It was a small crew, a family-owned crew, and they made you work hard. If you're working in a big group of 20, 30 guys, people slack off a little. But when it's you and two other guys and the boss, man, man, you got to fucking work, man. And all summer long, we built a wheelchair ramp at a Knights of Columbus Hall somewhere in Massachusetts.

And I had to carry bags of cement and pressure-treated lumber all day. That was the day. It was fucking brutal. You know, cement's like 50 pounds. Every time you're carrying 50-pound bags of cement, and these big, giant, pressure-treated lumbers, and you would get those pressure-treated lumber splinters where it's this toxic fucking shit that they use to make this wood so it doesn't ever rot.

Like pressure-treated lumber, you can make decks out of it. You can have anything that's exposed. You could rain on it all day. It's not going to go away because it's literally saturated with toxic fucking oil or whatever whatever the hell they they use to make it pressure treated and it's heavy as shit and was just carrying that stuff around all day for a whole summer that's great though it was great for me it was a very important week uh summer i think i i don't i think i did it for a few weeks it was only like maybe two or three weeks.

I don't really remember. But I remember that it was so brutally hard and it was so ridiculously taxing. At the end of the day, I would go work out. I would go to the gym and try to hit the bag. I had nothing. And I was still fighting at the time too. So I knew I couldn't compete while I had this job. There was no way.

I couldn't train. I was so tired. I would go. And I was was stupid back then so i didn't hydrate myself correctly i didn't drink enough water and i didn't take care of my nutrition i would eat like you know ham sandwiches and shit and you know no vitamins and then you know you do that for long enough and your body just gets taxed it's not good for you yeah But it taught me a huge lesson. I don't think anybody who's never been through a job like that, where you're spent at the end of every day, can't wait for Friday, Saturday flies by, Sunday

you're clinging on to it like a kitten hanging on a curtain, and next thing you know, Monday morning, 6.30, that alarm clock goes off, and it really should go off at 6, because you've got to be there at 7, so you're always going to be like 5 minutes late and it's death but if you haven't been through that and then gotten that measly fucking check at the end of the week for that you're like whoa this is what all my time and effort is worth like the system the way it's set up today for people

who work like what you have to do to work to get a living out of, it doesn't make any sense. Your life is worth way more than that. And that's why I was thinking, even though I was broke, I was thinking, my life is worth more than $500 for the whole week. Because I can't even spend this. Because I'm goddamn exhausted. I mean, I'm going to spend it on bills and lights and electricity and fucking gas and all that shit. But you can't even enjoy it, is what I should say. It's all just, it's such a giant weight on you.

And some people, man, that weight stays on them until they die. Yeah, that's why people who haven't done that are not as good at human beings, too. It makes you a better human being to have had that experience. Like to, at one time, had to do hard physical shit yes make a living makes you a

better person i think it makes you humble i think it's easy to get cocky if you've had a bunch of success but you know no matter what success i've ever had in my life i remember delivering newspapers i remember getting up at three o'clock in the morning on sunday morning sometimes i did just stayed up saturday night because it was ridiculous. I just drank a bunch of coffee and then just went down there and waited for the papers to come in because I had to, you know, carry these big bundles of newspapers all day and stack them and toss them out. And I would regularly go till nine, 10 in the morning, sometimes noon. If the paper was extra big, like sometimes they have a bunch of inserts and you couldn't carry them all in one load. So I would would go out i would do 50 houses and then i would come back and do another fit and i keep

doing it over and over and over again it was fucking ridiculous i bought a van for it and filled up this shitty van the whole back of it filled it up with newspapers i'll never forget that man the worst shit the hardest shit we had to do that summer were dig ditches and put tile down on like 21 bedroom units in the summer in Florida with no AC. So you'd be on the ground laying tile in the grout and then it would take an hour

and you would just cook in these one bedroom, no air conditioned units. You'd just bake in them. And then the dig in the ditch, we would dig ditches for this guy and everybody would come by and be like you can't have ditches in florida they're gonna flood man like there's no such thing as a ditch and he would just be like you just keep digging them ditches man like he would just make us dig ditches that like they were never going to be used, they would have to be flooded.

What? Yeah, he would, it was just, like, the craziest thing. And, man, it would take everything out of you to dig these ditches. It was almost like we were just digging them for his amusement. That's crazy. It would kill you, man. It would kill you to dig these things. And lay the tile. Man, I have so much, that job made me appreciate

every time for the rest of my life when I walk in a room and I see tile, I think of that every single time I see tile. I just think of being on knees, laying tile. Scraping grout. Scraping grout in a room that's 130 degrees, just dripping sweat. Wow, that's crazy because I never think of that. Yeah. Every time I've gone to a bathroom, I just said, well, there's some tile. That's funny. I didn't have that connection.

One of the few things I didn't do, but I did do, I installed insulation in attics in the summertime in Boston it was god damn brutal work because you're up in the attic and you're installing this insulation and the insulation is that foam or that rather fiberglass pink

stuff and it gets in your pores man it gets in your mouth it gets in your skin it gets in your eyes you're laying it down and you have like a mask on a mask on your face, but it still gets in your eyes and it gets in your skin and you can't wash it out. Like you're washing it, but you're still itchy and you'd be sitting around like on the couch after you've done work and you're out of the shower and you're still like

tingling and itchy and scratchy. And by the way you know that shit sure some particles get past your mask and get in your fucking mouth a hundred percent they get in your in your stomach do you have like a physical reaction when you see insulation no but i remember you know i look at it and i go oh there's i know what that stuff's like i know somebody had to go through some shit i did that a bunch of times at a bunch of the gigs, you know, because those gigs were labor jobs, and that's what you do. You roll that insulation. You'd be a mindless moron and roll that insulation out.

So you have to carry these bundles up the stairs into the attic. So you're like, you know, it's leaning against your neck and your face, and then you're bringing it up there and then popping open the top of it and unrolling it and it's hot as fuck and you're sweating and there was a guy that i worked with it was one gig that i got my friend leroy got me this gig him and his friend henry had this uh they had their own construction company and they were um renovating these terrible buildings in dorchester dorchester is a real shit neighborhood in boston yeah and there was this one guy that i construction company and they were renovating these terrible buildings in Dorchester. Dorchester is a real shit neighborhood in Boston. And there was this one guy that I worked with that had a

Mountain Dew bottle, a big two liter Mountain Dew bottle filled with beer. And he would just drink it all day. He was just hammered all the time and shaking. His hands were always shaking. And the guy just was just drunk all day and they would laugh about it like that this guy's always drunk like they knew what he did and he lived in this house while we were renovating it he had like i mean it was the place was like all exposed walls and wires hanging everywhere and staircases and no electricity except one jury rigged room that he had on the third floor where he was living and he had a bed set up there and you know and the guy would just be up there just getting fucked up trying to

hide from life drinking this big fucking piss warm bottle of of you know old english that's just giving up all the way it's crazy oh you want it just to be over at that point to me it was fascinating though i always wanted to be around him as much as i could i tried to just to be over at that point. To me it was fascinating though. I always wanted to be around him as much as I could. I tried to be around him all the time just as a character, just to try to pay attention to him. Sure. Because he was so odd. You know, when I was, this is at the time I was 18 or 19, and I remember I was just thinking, how does one become this guy?

This was someone's child. This was a boy at one point in time. And this is how he developed. Here he is, a 30-plus-year-old man. I don't know how old he was, but just hammered every single day. Don't you, when you meet somebody, you go, and they're fucked up like that, you go, well, everything definitely wasn't A-OK in that house.

You don't end up like that if things were totally normal at home. I kind of believe that when I meet people that are fucked up, that there was some pretty serious trauma, or at least perceived trauma. There has to be. And then there's also the genetic stuff as far as addiction. Because some people are much more prone physically to being addicted to things. I don't know what that's all about. I don't have that, so I don't understand it.

But I do have a mental addiction issue. I have a severe mental addiction issue with everything. I can get addicted to anything. I can get addicted to anything that's fun, whether it's a game or a sport or, you know, a martial art. When I start getting into things, I become obsessed. Really? Yeah, completely obsessed. Like, when I first getting into things, I become obsessed. Really? Yeah, completely obsessed.

Like, when I first started playing pool, 8, 10 hours a day. First started doing martial arts, I would train in Taekwondo 3, 4 hours a day. But that's all I could get in. I literally couldn't train anymore because my body wouldn't allow me to. I would be exhausted. You know? When I started playing video games, same thing, 8, 10 hours a day. I just get obsessed. When I started playing video games, same thing, 8, 10 hours a day.

I just get obsessed. Of all the ones you mentioned, I do remember the one that involves sitting. Video games? Yeah. Well, they're some of the most addictive things. Care for cookies? No, thank you. No, thank you.

Powerful, they offer cookies. She comes over with an apron like your mom. It's amazing. First class, man. But it could be pussy, too. Pussy is just as easy to get addicted to. You know, there's been many times in my life where, you know, I'm trying to, you know, juggle as many chicks as possible thinking, what the fuck am I doing? Like, this isn't even, I don't even want to do this.

This is like an obsession. It's just I'm being compelled to do this because I'm on a, you know, I'm on this weird path, you know, and this weird path is, you know, trying to get laid, you know, and I have friends that still do that, you know, I have friends that just become obsessed with pussy to the point where they can't even have a good time because all they're thinking about is trying to get laid. It's always, I mean, I'm like, you can't be this horny. It's a powerful thing, man. We've all done stupid shit to get laid, you know. Yeah.

It's a powerful fucking thing. Yeah. And once they become successful at it, then it's like, all of a sudden like, oh, okay, I've got this thing wired, I'm fucking everybody,

it's almost like they're making up for all the lost time, where they were trying, where it was, like the guys that I know that became successful later in life,

and girls found them attractive later in life, those are the guys that are the most sick with it. Yeah. You know? For sure.

Guys who got laid when they were younger, they seemed to be over it. They can relax. Or some of them can. Right. You know? But it's a super common addiction to men.

Yeah. You know? Yeah, especially if it took a really long, like a really long time. Yeah. Because, you know, some guys really are, like a lot of people out there

probably didn't even start getting laid until their 30s and stuff. Yeah. And we think it's more rare than it is. And for that guy, when he realizes this is what I was missing out on, he wants to make up for that forever. So it's easy to become the addiction for that guy.

See, the only difference, though, the addictions that we just talked about, all of them are fun as fuck. That's the difference. I get addicted to things that are fun. Like martial arts, it's fun man. Being able to perform martial arts, being able to kick somebody in the head or choke somebody unconscious, that's some wild fucking Bruce Lee movie shit man. To actually be able to do that, that's fun man. Jiu-jitsu is not fun when you first start because you get mauled a lot.

Yeah, that's what keeps me from even fucking trying. Yeah, but that's why it keeps people out. It's hard to do. Yeah, but I don't want to get mauled. That's why it's so fun when you first learn how to do it. Well, now what they have a lot of now that they didn't have then was beginner classes. Like when I was a beginner, there was this one kid that I used to spar with. And it's very good that this happened to me because it made me really appreciate jiu-jitsu.

There was this one Brazilian kid who used to choke the fucking shit out of me this guy used to manhandle me every time we trained he was ruthless too he didn't he wasn't nice to me at all because we're basically like the same age you know so it was you know we're both young men and he was just getting off on the fact that even though we were the same size, he could just beat my ass, and he would manhandle me, dude. And it made me really appreciate, like, how little I knew about jiu-jitsu because I was coming from a place in kickboxing and, you know, doing Muay Thai and doing Taekwondo, and I was, like, really confident with my stand-up.

Like, I would spar with anybody. I'm like, I was real confident with what I was able to do. So I felt like I could handle myself against someone my size but then here this guy who's my size who's just raping me just ragdolling me and just choking the shit out of me and i was like wow this is uh this is some stuff that i need to learn like it really made me obsessed with well that and yeah that definitely helped that one guy giving me beatings helped because I'm one of those dudes that I get obsessed with something because, you know, something has to, like, go off inside my head to make me obsessed about it. And my obsession was I want to be able to do to somebody what this guy can do to me because that's incredible.

I can't do that now. And then it made me feel helpless, too, because I was like, wow, if this was like a street fight and this guy wanted to beat my ass, like, man be really helpless against him that's which is a terrible feeling and especially when it's an alien feeling when your whole life you've been a martial arts expert and now you realize like oh no you're not this there's a whole new thing that you don't even know so I became obsessed with jiu-jitsu that way but I kept that under control mostly because of injuries when I first started doing it I had a bad meniscus tear. It's called a bucket handle tear where it would lock out on me.

And when it would lock in place, it was like super painful, man. It was really bad. And it happened like every couple of weeks. And so that kept me from getting like too obsessed with jiu-jitsu when I first got into it. But, man, like pool, the opposite happened. I was injured, so I couldn't do taekwondo when I got obsessed with Jiu Jitsu when I first got into it. But man, like pool, the opposite happened. I was injured so I couldn't do Taekwondo when I got obsessed with pool. And I started playing and I watched these guys play that were really good and I just remember thinking how fuck is it possible to not miss for a whole game? You know what I mean? Like you got ran out

the whole table and then I became obsessed with it. You just had to be able to do that. Had to be able to. Had to be able to run out. Well, I wouldn't be happy until I figured out how to break and run out. But that's just, you know, that's a fun thing. How long did it take, by the way? To get good at pool? To be able to break and run out.

It took a couple of years, I think. A couple of years? Yeah. I think it took probably two years of me, like, really playing all the time before I could consistently break and run out. That takes real discipline. Or obsession. Obsession, yeah, but at least that discipline, though.

Yeah. That discipline is really... I've always had weird discipline. I have much more discipline for things now as a grown man than I did when I was young. When I was young, I had very little discipline, but I had a lot of obsession. Does being a father contribute to that?

Yeah, yeah. You feel like you have more responsibilities. Also, I understand that with discipline comes reward. You know, you appreciate things that you do and manifest and create because you had to work hard to do them because you forced yourself to work when you didn't want to. You're like, well, look, I didn't want to work, but bam, look what happened because of that.

I got this now. I accomplished that. I wrote that. You know, there it is. It's the proof that you have to discipline yourself. Because when I was young, like with Taekwondo and those things, it was only about obsession. Like my discipline was not good.

I was not a disciplined person. I didn't want to do a bunch of stuff that wasn't fun. But I was so obsessed with getting better at martial arts that it was easy to look disciplined I got you you know what I'm saying yeah absolutely but it was all fun to me so it wasn't really discipline I was obsessed you know there's a difference as you get older you understand the the rewards of discipline that it's a good thing and it's good to also have a certain amount of control at all times over your impulses. And I didn't have any of that when I was young.

I was very impulsive. I was just a wild motherfucker, you know. I was barely raised. My parents were barely around when I was a kid. So, yeah, I grew up doing wild shit, and they never had a fucking clue. They didn't know anything. So I was completely impulsive, you know. By the time I had graduated high school and then was out on my own living with my friends you know about time yeah but i was like 20 or

something like that when i first moved out when i was living with my friends we were a bunch of savages i was living with these other guys that i did taekwondo with and we're just fucking wild animals that somehow or another had escaped from the nest and we're trying to you know live like grown-ups we were like pretending to be grown-ups what made you more disciplined though like you needed to get even better results so you're like i need to become yeah that kind of thing that's part of it yeah of um writing i really realized um the discipline really um came into play with my writing like sometimes i didn't feel like writing but you have to write even if you're not, if you're a professional comic man, you have to write. Like I have friends that are professional comics that don't actually sit down and write. And I'm like, you're selling yourself short. Like,

oh, I write on stage. I'm like, yeah, I do too. But you got to write, you got to sit down and you got to write. Because if you don't, you're going to have less ideas. You're going to have less things that you've considered. You're going to have less topics to explore. And I talked to a buddy who just writes in the car. He never writes, but he just drives around his car and comes up with ideas. I'm like, all right, that's a method too, but you really should write. Because when you actually sit down and write something, whether it's a pen to a piece of paper

or whether it's writing in front of a computer, it takes like you write the word strategy. Well, it takes much longer to write the word strategy than it does to consider the, the, the concept of strategy. Right. So while you're writing it, you're, you're, you're putting more thought and more consideration into things. You open more doors when you write it down. Yeah. For sure. Sure. For sure. And you, you're, you know, you, you consider things more deeply and more carefully and you can go back and edit them and read them and say,

hmm, do I like how this came out? Do I like how I'm saying this? Maybe I should say it like this or maybe I should be clearer about that. It's like you have to write, man. You have to. It's part of your job. And for a long time, I didn't.

When I was on news radio, I didn't write at all. I didn't. There was like two years where I never wrote a fucking joke. Really? Yeah, I didn't. When I was on news radio, I didn't write at all. I didn't. If there was like two years where I never wrote a fucking joke. Really? Yeah, I didn't write shit. I was on a sitcom. And I was working all day on the sitcom. It was like, especially in the beginning, it was long ass hours.

You were still doing stand-up. Yeah, but I was half-assing it. I was going up and I was doing the material that I did for years. That I had already written for years. And I had very, very little new things. Every now and then I'd have like a new tagline or something that I came up written for years, and I had very, very little new things. Every now and then I'd have a new tagline or something that came up within the moment, but it was probably the most uninspired period

of my comedy ever. It was between 94 and 96, 97. Really? Yeah. That's when I first got on sitcom, on news radio. What made you start writing? I bombed once in front of some writers. Did not have a good set. A couple of the writers from news radio came and I had always felt like when I was doing like a sitcom, especially

when I was doing news radio, I always felt like a little bit of a fraud. I always felt like, you know, I mean, even though I was funny and I would deliver the lines and get big laughs and everything like that, I still felt like, like, how the hell did I get on television? Like, this is ridiculous. I'm on some NBC sitcom. Like, I'm just some loser, you know, like that. I didn't feel like I deserved it. You know, I felt very, very much like I was faking being an actor. Like I had never done any acting classes. I took a few private acting classes when I first got my development deal with Disney, but that was because they wanted me to do it. They like forced me to do it. And it was also because, but I already had the development deal, you know, it was just like, it was like, they wanted me to get some coaching. And when I did it, I did it with this

lady who was like this failed actress who was really gross. She was just like, she was gross. I didn't, I didn't like her. I didn't, she was, and she was trying to get a job on the show that I was on. She was trying to get me to hire her to play my mom. And I was like, it was real creepy. So I felt, I always felt like kind of a little bit of a fraud. And then I had these guys come to see me and you know, they were good writers, man. These guys are from fucking Harvard. And, um, I was up real late at the comedy store. It was a late night spot and it was, um, a lot of people had been up and there was almost no one in the audience left when I got on stage it was a very small crowd I had very little energy and I was nervous that they were watching me and I ate dick and I remember thinking about it after I had this really shitty set really mediocre set I remember thinking I was really embarrassed very disappointed with myself

and like the fuck man I gotta I gotta get back to work and I started writing again again. And then a couple years later, I put out my album, my first album, I'm Going to Be Dead Someday, and it was really good. It was still to this day, we'll listen to that. And, you know, it's not, I would deliver it differently now. I got more skillful with my delivery and my setups, and I might have reworded things, and I probably would have done some editing and make some of the jokes tighter. But I'm still real pleased with it.

It was a real good CD. And it probably wouldn't if i didn't have that one set that really embarrassed me that made me go to work you know made you humble yeah yeah well maybe aware that i was slacking off it wasn't that i was like oh i'm the best i don't have to work at it it was really i was just living off of this sitcom thing and you know I was having this success being on television and I took for granted what got me to the dance. Yeah. You know, stand-up is a very rare thing, man. And it's a trance that you put that audience in. And you have to practice that trance on a regular basis.

You have to get into that groove. Because we were talking about recording this on an iPhone. And it's the coolest fucking thing that you can just do this because it sounds pretty good. And when I showed it to Tom, there's a thing called voice memos and voice memos is what I use to record all my sets. This bitch cock blocking my fucking podcast. And this voice memo thing, I record all my sets on

so I can always listen right before I'm about to go on stage, and then it puts me sort of, like, deeper in the trance. It makes me more smooth when I go on stage. It's like, the more you do comedy, the better you are at comedy, the more you get into that groove. And the more you listen to yourself do comedy, also, the better you get into that groove. And by the way, how high are you right now, Tommy? Because you look like you're about to pull one of these emergency exit doors open and you fucking leave. Straight blazed.

We started this podcast about an hour and, I'll tell you right now, an hour and 30-something minutes ago. Is that how long it fucking is? Yeah, we've been doing this for over an hour. Whoa. Yeah. And in that time, I've watched Tommy go from sober and just a little happy. I'm ripped.

To gone. Right now, he's considering the first girl he fingered when he was in the seventh grade and how he probably should have called her. And now she has children and she still probably thinks about him when some guy fingers her. Right? What are you thinking about right now? What are you considering? I'm fucking climbing up rainbows right now, man.

Looking for pots of gold. I'm having all kinds of shit run through my head, man. Yeah? Like what? It takes me a second to process what we're talking about. As much as I try to check myself on a regular basis and be real objective with how I behave and be real... Oh, I'm sorry to cut you off, but something's hit me. But when you're talking about all that stuff about when you were not writing as much,

I'm having all that... As you say, I start to just criticize myself. Do you know what I mean? So listening to you triggered like, you know, you should write more, you should do more, you should try more, you know, just being very critical of what I'm currently doing. Yeah. That's what it is. I think we all need that, you know.

I need to hear about you writing. Like I wrote last night for five hours. think we all need that, you know? I need to hear about you writing. Like, I wrote last night for five hours. I'm like, oh, shit, I got to write, you know? Like, I think we all need that, you know? Whenever I, like, Brian was telling me that Dave Chappelle did a set last night somewhere in Hollywood. And I remember the last time I saw Chappelle,

he was really funny. It was a really good set, too. And I remember after I saw him, I was like, man, I want to go home and write. Like, fuck. Like, that was really good comedy. Like, I saw that. I thought about that last time I saw Cat Williams, too. I saw one of Cat Williams' specials, and I went, man, I feel like writing right now.

Like, I feel juiced up, you know? I feel that also. Like, totally always inspired by comics. Yeah. And then also, I just was at a a job last few weeks writing on a pilot and I was on the road when I got I was hired. I got hired. I went out of town and they were like, well, we still need you to write from the road. And at the end of the week, I've been writing like 10, 12 hours a day for them. And I was like, look how much work i got done on the road where so many times i like i just do nothing just beat off and watch tv that's it just jerk off yeah and eat and shit that's it do that for like weeks at a time but i got so much work done that week when i was being

hired to do it i was like man i waste a lot of fucking time. I could be doing this for myself. Yeah. Why would I not, like, I was doing 12 hours a day. Yeah. Riding on the road. Yeah. Because I was being paid to do it. And I was like, man, there's just too much. I mean, I could at least do a fraction of that. Yes.

You know, I could do a fraction of that. I got so much done. Yeah, it feels great too, doesn't it? I felt great, and then I felt like fucking shit for having, I started running through my mind about how much time I've wasted. Right. Yeah, I do the exact same thing. I committed myself to a project the last time I was taping my special and I'm going to do the same thing this time.

Of the last 30 days of the special, before a special, from 30 days out to the day I do it, I just write a new blog post every day. So I was in front of the computer every day for six, seven hours, eight hours, whatever it took to bang out a blog post. I mean, occasionally they were shorter, like, when life got in the way, but I committed to putting one out every day. And I wrote it, I called it day one, day two, you know, and then I started naming them. But I wrote some of my best stuff from that, man. The open letter to Kellogg's.

That was a blog that like a million people read. You know, I wrote a letter to Kellogg's after they got rid of Michael Phelps, after they fired him as a spokesperson. I remember you did that. But I wrote that as an exercise. It was like I had committed myself to writing every day for 30 days. And when you do that, it's like, sometimes I'll sit in front of my computer for fucking four or five hours and all I'm doing is looking at videos

of dudes getting their heads cut off and, oh, look at this pool cue that's for sale. Wow, that's really nice. And, oh, here's another video on a Porsche GT3 going around a racetrack. And, oh, here's a documentary on quantum mechanics and, you know, what entanglement really means. And by the end of the night, I'm like, did I get anything done?

I was supposed to sit down and write. Oh, it's so easy to do that. I mean, you should do some research and some looking at stuff. But goddamn, you've got to do a lot of writing too. Yeah, it's got to be, what it is, it's a total flip of that balance. It's got to be where you are writing as much as you were fucking around and that you fuck around as much as you used to write.

So you used to use the fucking around as a break. And that's, I think, a normal, healthy practice. But you got to,

it's so easy when you're on the road to justify it too. That's the part that's fucked up. You're like, I'm traveling. I'm tired.

Tired's a huge one. Yeah. Because it's very easy to just be tired the whole time. Well, I write a lot on planes. I write some of my best stuff when I'm on a plane. And it's because I'm forced to sit in this seat and I can't go anywhere. And before they had Wi-Fi on the plane, which they do on this flight. This flight has Wi-Fi, these motherfuckers.

They're trying to tempt us with the dark side. But we've avoided them by being productive and making a goddamn podcast. What? What? But, yeah, I mean, I would write some of my best shit because I would actually be forced to do it. I'm just sitting down there, you know? That's a great thing. I love when I write something, too, that's really good when I was going to fuck off, you know?

It feels better. On the way back to Australia, I wrote this great bit. I wrote this great piece that I'm working on right now. And after I got done looking, I was like, yes. I just fucking made that happen. I sat down. That releases adrenaline. Yeah.

I felt so satisfied. I felt like, I just, you know, it's like the relationship between, I mean, it really ultimately is I created something that someone's going to enjoy. That's the real charge. That's where it's coming from. But it's also you're tricking yourself into making things that people are going to enjoy saying. These people are going to think I'm the shit. And then you create this knowing that you're going to crush in front of that audience when you deliver that bit. It's like the motivation.

It's like there's a lot of trickery going on. There's a lot of different things that are tugging at yourself, both healthy and unhealthy, as to why you create things. Yeah, there's nothing like when you wrote something and you can hear yourself saying it. It's the ultimate satisfaction. And it crushes. Oh, I got this new line, man.

I remember when I wrote it, I wrote it and I looked down at the keyboard and I'm like, ah, I got this. This one just came came and then i went up that night and bray it and did it and it destroyed it came out of my mouth absolutely perfect it was one of those rare lines where as you write it you write it exactly as you're going to say it most of the times it's not how most of the times i have concepts and i write out the concept and i get way too verbose because really what i'm considering is i'm just writing i write in long form like as a blog entry and then out of the blogs that's when I pick like little gems that become bits and figure out how to do them but this one wasn't like that this one was just one an idea that I had that what was straight

up a joke right out of the gate and as soon as I said it on stage it was perfect I didn't need to tweak it I don't need to do a thing to it. It just destroyed. And I was like, wow, look at that, man. It's just such a satisfying feeling. It's like you acted as an antenna and the universe jolted this idea into your brain and you wrote it down because that's what you have to do

if you want to be good at it. And then you went up on stage and delivered it and there's a thousand people there to see you and they all went fucking crazy hearing it. It's amazing it's so fun man i would never want to be it just there's nothing i would rather do in life than be a comedian nothing i've never never thought for us i've done other things because they offered me money like fear factor and even the ufc i mean i love working for the ufc i i never don't look forward to fights even fights like ultimate fighter finales where a lot of people don't know who the guys are fighting

I know who they are. I look forward to every one of them. I'd fucking love it man But if I had to choose between that and never doing stand-up again, it wouldn't even be a choice It'd be like I could always watch the fights I would I would enjoy the fights more if I was watching them You know if I was sitting at home and Stefan Bonner was doing it or Kenny Florian was doing my job, I would enjoy it more. Because first of all, those guys do a great job. And second of all, I just want to watch the fight. I don't want to have to elaborate and explain and predict

and call what this guy's doing wrong. I just want to watch it. I like watching fights by myself. I watch the K-1 fights and all these. At the most, every now and then, I go, oh, look out for your neck, bitch. Get your neck down. Get out. Yeah, you got him.

I like watching fights by myself actually more than with other people. Really? I do. It's fun, though, on some nights, though, in a big fight especially, to have a bunch of buddies over. Championship stuff is always fun. But I like watching regular games. I like watching them alone. You do, really?

Absolutely. Sometimes people want to talk too much, right, while the game's going on? It all matters on which sports are what level of entertainment to you. The more that you're into the sport, then it becomes just something like, it's not that you take it too seriously, but the game or the sport has some... Meaning to you and to really enjoy it you gotta be into it

you gotta be focused on it and people start talking about fucking bullshit I hate that man girls girls are terrible some guys are

fucking worse than girls some guys just fucking just talking bullshit to you where you're like you know will you knock off

your fucking bullshit like I just want to watch the goddamn game. I don't care about Some dudes just want to hear themselves talk. They do. And they're uncomfortable.

They're so uncomfortable with themselves that they have to make you uncomfortable too. You know? And they can't be silent. They can't do it, man. They can't do it.

There's always got to be noise to drown out that internal dialogue. Yeah. What do you think about those Red Sox? There's always got to be something. And a lot of times it's a guy that wears a class ring.

Oh, no! Guys with class rings, man. They're a fucking formula for disaster. They are ridiculous fucks. They are totally. You are a silly fuck. If you wear a class ring, there's not a whole lot of generalizations

that I almost emphatically across the board support, but that is one. Tell you what, if people who wore class rings were considered one race, I would be really racist. I would hate the class ring race more than anything. Yeah, those are the type of guys that stayed around the auto shop parking lot of high school a couple years after they graduated.

They're still coming back. They're chest-pounding guys. A lot of chest-pounders. Woo! A lot of chest pounders. Woo! A lot of chug it, chug it, chug it. Those guys who want you to chug a beer. Yep, more shots. Let's get a couple more shots over here.

That sounds like me. They're the fucking worst. Shots bring the party. It's a douchey element. Yeah. You make the choice for the class ring and you're fucking... You're opening yourself. You're fucking Al Bundy, bro.

You're Al Bundy without the jokes. That's what it is. You're just in the shoe store, man. You're a real live Al Bundy. That is the truth, man. You know that guy Ed O'Neill, Al Bundy, is a fucking black belt in jiu-jitsu? Shut the fuck up. He's legit, dude.

And he's a really cool guy, man. He is a super fucking talented actor.iu-jitsu shut the fuck up he's legit dude and he's a really cool guy man he is a super fucking talented actor yeah he's very good and it's kind of weird that he's like typecast as al bundy yeah but he's great on that new show on yeah yeah yeah and he did a movie it's been enough years but for a long time he was stuck as al bundy you know but he played that that that uh that caricature, that, uh, that caricature kind of became a joke. Oh, he's the best at it. But it still was a fuck,

he did an amazing job. That show was brilliant. That show was brilliant. Yeah. That was, that's an all-time great sitcom. It really is. No doubt about it.

I talked to him, I flew to North Carolina once, we just happened to be on the same flight, just happened to be sitting right next to each other. Yeah. And talked to him the whole flight over about

Jiu Jitsu. He loves Jiu Jitsu. He's a fiend. He's really good too. He's a big guy too. Probably strong as fuck. Really? Yeah man. Al Bundy's no joke. Ed O'Neill. Sorry. If he was calling me Joe Gorelli I'd be upset.

It's not a lot of celebrities that get on the mat and spar with just everybody and anybody you know most guys don't want to be embarrassed when i first started doing jujitsu i took private lessons at first for like fuck man like two years i wasted all this time only taking private lessons because i didn't know you got to roll with a bunch of different people to really get good and then i became friends with ed. And I was a blue belt at the time. I really wasn't good at all. I was terrible.

And then when I started taking classes with him, he really emphasized that you have to spar with other people. You have to take classes. There's no way to get good without it. And I realized that as I started rolling with better people, like I started rolling with different people, I had no idea what I was doing. I had a couple moves,

and I hadn't faced enough of a variety of attacks from different people like you get used to a certain person's game like say if one guy has a game where uh all he does is uh shoots pulls guard on you and uh tries to submit you off his back well you're aware of that so all you're doing is trying to stuff the guard all the time stuff the guard and pass stuff the guard and pass whereas there's another guy who always tries to get on top and so you're like all right this motherfucker's trying to get on top of me there's no way i'm gonna keep him off i'm gonna hold him off i'm gonna i know what he's gonna try to do he's never gonna pull guard he's always gonna try to get on top of me and so you get accustomed to that person's game and you can kind of like settle into their

game whoa you can you can settle into their game and and how by the way how fast are your goddamn reflexes? I accidentally brushed into Tommy's Starbucks cup, and before it moved a half an inch, he moved like the flash and caught it like in midair. That's the weed, son. That's the weed helping you out. If you weren't sober right there,

if you were sober, you probably would have had a big puddle in your lap. You might be right. That was fast. I do jiu-jitsu high all the time. Really? Oh, yeah. Do you roll better? Pleased. You might be right. That was fast. I do jiu-jitsu high all the time. Really? Oh, yeah. Do you roll better? Pleased. Yeah, everybody does. The whole class is high, half the time. Eddie's class, because Eddie's real

open about it. He's always talking about how he smokes weed and how it makes him better at jiu-jitsu. People have a real wrong interpretation of weed and what its effects are. But it really helps video games, really helps pool, really helps pool. I play a ball better, which means, what a ball better means, like if you play a game like nine ball, which is a game where you play in rotation,

you have to shoot the balls one in order. If a guy's better than you, he's a ball better than you. If a guy's a ball better than you, that means he can spot you the eight ball. He's good enough that he'll get out, he'll get an extra ball in where you won't. It's one way of looking at it. So when I smoke pot, I literally play a ball better. I could give myself that doesn't smoke pot the eight ball. Really? Yeah. I'm not kidding. And with jujitsu too. I mean, I do jujitsu sober all the time, but I do it high all the time too. And I think I'm better when I'm high. When it opens up. I don't think about anything else but the jiu-jitsu.

You get so focused. You get so laser-beamed into what you're doing. And jiu-jitsu's all about feel and rhythm and being able to achieve that zen state. And I think marijuana allows you to achieve that zen state in almost everything better than you can on your own. Like, for sex, marijuana turns me into, like, literally, like, I don't want to say, like, an animal, like, yeah, fuck a lickin' animal, but I feel like I don't have a language,

an animal. I feel like I'm just primal. Like, I'm way more, way hornier, feels way better when I'm high. You know, to me, like, it really brings me to that, the zen state of fucking,

you know? And I think it does that with comedy. i think it does that with comedy i think it does that with it but but it's all a direction that i choose to go in my mind while utilizing it it gives you that primal focus yeah absolutely yeah you're able to focus more it's supposed to it's here for our evolution that's what it's here for it's here to get you better at things it seems ridiculous but the real effect of marijuana isn't even from smoking. Smoking is something they figured out later on in life in order to get it into your bloodstream really quickly.

But when you smoke it, you miss out on a lot of the stuff that we're getting right now because we ate it. This is how a human is supposed to take in marijuana. You're supposed to eat it. When you eat it, it's a psychedelic drug and it's an agent of evolution.

It's totally psychedelic drug, and it's an agent of evolution. It is. It's totally psychedelic. Yeah. I got to pee. Yeah. Listen, that's the end of the podcast, folks, because Tommy Secura has to pee. We did an hour and 48 minutes, dog. For sure.

We're going to sign out. Thank you to the Fleshlight. Go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link. Put in the code name Rogan. Look at Alec Baldwin's old ass is kissing some hot chick on TV. What kind of in-flight bullshit is this? Goddamn propaganda. That could have been his daughter.

We're not hating. Go to JoeRogan.net. Click on the link and enter in the code name Rogan. Get 15% off your fleshlight. Thank you to Tom Segura, one of the fucking funniest, coolest guys I know. And you can catch him on his website, which is? It's TomSegura.com. You can check out.

S-E-G-U-R-A. Not everybody knows how to spell that, pal. And my Twitter is tomsegura, S-E-G-U-R-A. And I have a podcast that there's a link to on my website. So if you go to my website, there's a link to the podcast there. And we're going to try to get him hooked up to the Death Squad network. And if you go to deathsquad.tv, that is the podcast that Brian Redband produces.

And he's got, like got a bunch of them now. They're number 19 right now on the iTunes comedy. He's blowing the fuck up. Holla. So we are headed to Dallas. We're actually landing right now, too. We've started our initial descent. So, all right.

Thanks for having me, buddy. Thanks for being on, my friend. All right. Love you, bitches. Joe Rogan Experience was sponsored by Fleshlight, the number one sex toy for men. If you go to Joe Rogan's website, look on the right side, click the link that says Fleshlight, put in the coupon code ROGAN and save yourself 15%. Highly recommend it.

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