The Joe Rogan Experience - #87 - Dana DeArmond

Episode Date: March 8, 2011

Joe sits down with Dana DeArmond.

Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters Lovers and children Dana D. Armand Is in the house Yay Give it up for Dana Dana and I Are e-pals We tweet each other

Back and forth But this is our first time Actually meeting each other In real life Cool You're very funny You say some funny shit On Twitter

And you said You had a really funny thing Where you broke down This Jennifer Aniston fucking, what's his name? Adam Sandler movie. Adam Sandler. It was really funny.

Just go with it. Yeah. If you haven't seen it, you can get it on. It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube on your, what does it say? Just don't go with it.

Just don't go with it. It's YouTube.com. It's really funny and really like you, you know, you broke it down like a comic would break it down. Like how ridiculous it's really funny and really like you you you know you broke it down like a comic would break it down like how ridiculous it is first of all i thought it was hilarious that you said that jennifer aniston was the human equivalent to oatmeal but that's perfect that is absolutely perfect it's like she's nutritious i would have said

like a grilled cheese sandwich i would have called her a grilled grilled cheese but there's a grilled cheese sandwich truck you don't see an oatmeal truck anywhere right no lines nobody lining up i would give her more credit than oatmeal that's what i'm saying i think you're just you're being a little unfair i'll give her a little more than oatmeal but i know what you're saying you know i wonder i got no love for jennifer aniston she's just a chick trying to get some, doing her acting thing. She's probably nice. She's got a viral Smartwater video, and she's trying to be with all the YouTubers and make a viral video to advertise Smartwater. Let her go do her thing.

She ain't hurting anybody. It's easy to get caught up in hating someone for no reason. I've got to hate somebody. Why her? Jennifer Aniston? Easy target. Go after Gaddafi. Gaddafi's gonna leave.

Or Kardashian. I can't follow me. Go after Kardashian. Yeah. How do you feel about that? But then, you know, I mean, it's also, you know,

if you live in a glass house, don't throw rocks. Right. Dude, live your own fucking life. Who gives a shit? Don't work on it. But you're right. Her stuff,

what she's doing, it's all like, God damn, bitch. Don't you have enough money? Don't you want to do something interesting now? Everything you fucking do is like the same goddamn stupid story. You know, there's romance. They're the worst date movies ever.

Because if you're going on this date, if you're a guy, you're already giving in to the fact that you're doing whatever you can to fuck. You're going to pretend to be someone you're not. I would never ask a chick to go see some crazy fucking stupid werewolf movie if they weren't into it you know what i mean i would never but women can ask a guy to go see some wonky ass date night bullshit jennifer aniston god forbid sandra bullock movies those motherfuckers i love sandy do you love little sandy you love sandy because of what happened to her? Because we kind of look alike Yeah, I was just going to say

It's exactly why, right? I was going to bitch about No Strings Attached too Because Natalie Portman, you have an Oscar But still making bullshit like No Strings Attached Poor me, I'm the most attractive person ever Me and Ashton Kutcher are going to have No Strings Attached friend sex Boo hoo They can fuck anybody, anywhere,

any day of the week, a new person every single day, and they're going to make a fucking hacky ass. Oh, we're just going to be friends and have sex, and it won't get complicated. I wonder what's going to happen. Do they fall in love?

What if they didn't? If you're that girl, you have to understand what happens. She's sitting around. Her agent calls them. This is what we have for you. It's a big movie. It's blah, blah what happens. She's sitting around. Her agent calls them. This is what we have for you. It's a big movie. It's blah, blah, blah.

Everyone's all hyped on it. And next thing you know, I've read for shit that I'm happy I never got. You just get talked into going in on these things. Next thing you know, you're in an office. Next thing you know, you're signing papers. Next thing you know, you're on a movie set, and you're doing this fucking terrible movie. Boo-hoo cry for you. No big deal.

But I'm just saying, they're just out there doing their shit. She looks fantastic pregnant. They should do that movie, though, where it's sold like that, where you know exactly what's going to happen. They're going to fall in love and cheat, but then it's actually like he murders her

and wears his body. He turns into an alien. He only wants her eggs. I love it. That would be a good idea for a movie. Yeah, just flip it. I saw, what was it. I saw, what was it called?

Bureau, what the fuck's it called? Adjustment Bureau. I'm so behind in movies right now. I don't even know what this is. It's pretty goddamn decent. It's based on a Philip K. Dick novel, so it was really weird.

It was really trippy. Like, really surprising. Like, I thought it was just gonna be a typical dumb movie. And there's a lot of dumb elements, but you kind typical dumb movie and it would there had a lot there's a lot of dumb elements but you kind of have to have some dumb shit in a lot of movies just to wrap up a complicated premise inside of two hours right you know you gotta have some

that one guy that said that thing well it's also like what is his motivation well he's ridiculously in love with her and you know barely you know what why is this going on really they just met what I mean come on really I mean you're dwelling on this shit three years later because it's meant to be

and it's all written down somewhere it was fascinating how they went about it I still like rack my brain over Back to the Future and that's like

from 1985 and like still things bother me about it so much like the time I remember almost nothing like the rape part

there was a rape in Back to the Future yeah Biff tries to rape Lorraine really that's right in the to the Future? Yeah, Biff tries to rape Lorraine. Really? That's right. In the alternate future. Really?

They just still have him wash his car and stuff. Like, oh, it's forgiven. That time you tried to rape me on prom night. Like, it bothers me so much. Really? I never even thought about that, but yes. But then again, I do take a lot of medicine. Makes me kind of hone in on that kind of stuff.

What about the rapes? I don't remember anything about that movie. You know, I'm finding as I get older, I've definitely used up hard drive space and deleted a lot of files. Because I can watch movies now, and it's like I never watched them before. I watched A Simple Mind the other day.

The Russell Crowe movie about that genius mathematician. A Beautiful Mind. Beautiful Mind. A Simple Mind. Beautiful Mind. And it was was fucking great i had no idea what was gonna happen like i literally didn't remember the movie but i know i've seen it i'm just i'm out of space i got no space man that's like that social network that's what's going to happen with that movie to me in like 10 years like it was a great movie but that's not a movie you'll remember i don't even see it there's so many movies man, man. If you really stop, you know, it's like,

and I was going to ask you this because you do porn. Like, why the fuck are they still making porn movies? I don't know. There's no way you could have seen them all. Right. There's no way you need a noon one. If you're really just beating off, there's no way, unless you're fixating on very specific actresses,

which a lot of guys do. But if you're not, if you're just beating off, Jesus Christ, who's seen them all? That's one thing I've noticed, though. It is the characters. It is you like a certain actress and you start wanting to see it. Of course.

Before, porn was always, to me, porn was jacking off. But then I never really got into characters since Twitter, where now I'm following people on Twitter and stuff like that. Now I'm starting to get them. I want to see a movie with that person in it.

So I see that now. Twitter's helping it a little bit. Yeah, that's definitely what it's become. I mean, it's become that with comics as well. You know, it's like people reaching out and you develop like your fan base and then you all communicate with each other. And then I guess when some dude's whacking off to you, it's like much more personal or more fun. They kind of feel like they own you a little bit.

It's a little bit disconcerting. Do people get douchey with you because of that? Like, I'm a fan. I demand this. Well, I mean, even today coming here, people are like, is Joe Rogan going to fuck you? And I'm like, I'm a person. Like, you know,

you have your thing. Isn't that weird, though? This isn't a movie. This is real life. And you have your thing. Isn't that weird, though? And we just met in the, you know, it's just like, this isn't a movie. This is real life, and you have your real life. And outside of comedy and your podcast and MMA stuff and TV and movies, you have your own personal life. Right. Me, outside of my Twitter feed, my bathtub thing. What's your bathtub thing?

I just spend, like, five hours a day in the bathtub. You just sit around the bathtub? Yeah, I just take pictures. Can you not get clean enough? Are you one of those people? No. I've done so much porn. I'm just constantly just never, ever clean.

Do you do it on like a webcam or something? No, I just like, you know, I'm like in the bath. Do you just like to be in the tub? I'm in the bath. You should do it on webcam. Is there a psychological thing there or you just like to do it? No, it's just comfortable. It just feels good to be in a tub?

It's all warm and wet. Yeah. And not wearing clothes. And it keeps me from eating. Because taking food in the bathtub is gross. Cat in the Hat did it. You should get an isolation tank then. That's part of the Cat in the Hat.

Oh, that would be awesome. When the Cat in the Hat comes back, that's where he starts trouble. He eats cake in a tub. See, that's where it's all down the hill from there. That motherfucker. And he gets those little kids in trouble almost. And then he pulls it out with magic at the very end. So, yeah, most people don't eat in the bathtub.

Well, you're up to date with your cat in a hat. That's awesome. That's the shit, son. I love this. I have a two and a half year old. I know. She loves the cat in the hat. And I love reading it.

Like, I get all enthusiastic about it. It's fucking great writing. The cat in the hat, especially The Cat in the Hat, comes back. That one's the shit. Dude, have you gotten into some Shel Silverstein yet? No, man.

Where the sidewalk ends. Get that. You will fucking love it. It'll be great. You will read that shit and as a kid, that's some of the best shit ever. My man, The Cat in the Hat

seems awful psychedelic. Shel Silverstein is. He's got magic. The Cat in the Hat's got a crazy hat and magic. Magic. Fuck Michelle Silverstein. I'm not interested.

Michelle Silverstein. Whatever the fuck you're talking about. I'm not interested, man. You're talking nonsense. I'm telling you about something awesome, and you're telling me about something else, and I have no idea what it is. It's very similar. Let's talk about what's awesome. I don't want to hear about this shit. You will think it's awesome.

The cat in the hat is the shit, son. He's a cat with a magic fucking hat. He pulls his cat off, and there's little cat A. Little cat A pulls his hat off, and there's little cat B. Little cat C, and he gets all the way down to little cat Z. And little cat Z has voom. And you don't know what the fuck voom is, but voom fixes everything. And when it gets down to little cat Z, the fucking shit hits the fan when the cat fucks everything up.

He gets the tub dirty. He gets pink shit out in the snow and on the $10 shoes and on mom's dress. And everything is a fucking disaster and he keeps pulling out little hats so other cats can help him and they just fuck shit up worse and worse until it gets to little cat Z. And little cat Z's got the reset switch. He pulls out boom and boom just zip, bang, no matter what. And little cat Z is so small you can't even fucking see him.

He's not visible to the naked eye. Okay? So they're going macrocosm on your ass, man. They're going quantum physics. All right? That's how badass Cat in the Hat is. So fuck your stupid... What was her name again? It's a man.

It's Shel Silverstein. Shel Silverstein can suck the Cat in the Hat's cock. How about that? That's what I got to say. I need to... The Cat in the Hat is the shit, son! I need to have some kids because I haven't read this shit in a while. Yeah, me neither. I need to I need to the cat in the hat is the shit son I need to have some kids because I haven't read

this shit in a while I need to read some stuff when you don't have kids the idea of reading kids cat in the hat stories sounds like fucking painful punishment people

I've when I've been in the position where I didn't have kids where I looked at people that had kids like oh you trap fuck like oh my god oh you're doomed

you're stuck to that trip forever that's how I'm looking at you right now there's no way not now there's no way not to there's no way not to it's normal if you don't have kids that's how it's supposed to be set up until you have them of your own you're supposed to like to to complete your mission in life like your your motivation and your goals are to be as unentangled as possible so when you

see entanglements in other people's lives you recognize them as disgusting things you never want to see in yourself that's why like you see if someone's acting like an asshole or someone's acting selfish or jealous, those feelings that you get from seeing them like, ugh, it's so gross. That's a message to you. You're supposed to learn from this. You're supposed to never, ever be what that person is. They're there for you. When you see people with kids, if they're not yours, you get this screwy message.

You get this message of, oh, look at this poor fuck. You think about all the worst aspects of all your relationships and how you know you could possibly be entangled some other person and then there's a fucking kid who won't stop crying and oh you're doomed but when you have them all of a sudden it's like whoa there's this little human and they're your little friends and it's you like it's not really another person it's a part of you that's become its own individual you love it literally more than you love yourself and then reading to them and playing with them it's fun as fuck it's like you got this little pal like she makes me laugh all the time she shows me her dumps she takes these giant shits they're fucking huge they come out this little tiny body you can't

believe how big her shits are you should start twittering her twits no way no way these dudes would be jerking off to my baby shit oh fuck look at that log if it fits that log it fits my cock that's what they'd be thinking

oh of course there would be there's at least like five guys if you showed how big your baby shit was we're like what else could I fit in that ass

they would think about stuffing their dick in there I jacked off on your kid's poop today Joe exactly there's at least one guy who's gonna say that but she thinks it's hilarious she goes could I fit in that ass? They would think about stuffing their dick in there. I jacked off on your kid's poop today, Joe. Exactly. There's at least one guy who's going to say that.

Yeah. But she thinks it's hilarious. She goes, I just made a poop log. And poop is what she knows is funny because it's funny coming out of a two-year-old.

So that's like the go-to word. Yeah. You know, whenever, you know, what does it smell like? Poop! Everything smells like poop. Like she'll say

everything smells like poop and laugh. That's awesome. That's awesome. You gotta get her in on there's a show called Adventure Time. I highly recommend it. It's like a trippy show for kids, but if you're an adult, you will fucking want to get high

and watch it. Amazing. That's all I want to do. Really? Yeah. And then it's like Maria Bamford's on it. Steve Agee said that he did something on it like a bunch of really talented people

oh it's really cool the guy that used to do Flapjack Flapjack got cancelled so now he's on it too fucking awesome would you ever do

a cartoon voice I think oh yeah I think that would be one of your ideal things I think I have well you did you did a Family Guy

or American Dad or something like that you remember well I did yeah I did a cartoon voice on Family Guy. And I did... Fuck, what else have I done with little kid shit? I feel like I've done something before.

I've read some books. I read some books that became books on CD. Long time ago. With Mario Lopez. Oh, no way. Yeah, it was kind of fun, man. Because you're reading a kid's story. Oh, Mario Lopez.

And you're reading, yeah, Mario. He was 18 later. Yeah, it was kind of fun, man, because you're reading a kid's story. Oh, Mario Lopez. And you're reading, yeah, Mario. He was a sexy plater. Yeah, he's hot as fuck. And I always remember, like, you know, like, I was a little kid, like, to, like, listen to a cassette of someone tell a story. It was, like, fucking cool. You'd be tucked in bed, and you'd hear some really exciting story, you know? Yeah.

So it was fun. It was fun doing that. Speaking of Lopez, remember when we had Allison on? She was extra behind Mario Lopez, and she was just staring at him. She was like the Terminator with this really evil meat look. Well, she's done it again, but this time she did it even better. At the beginning, they high-five when they come back from a commercial, Mario Lopez and her, and then she immediately goes right back into the character,

and she's just staring at him down. Why did she do that? She overdid it this time. Is she acting? Yeah, she's overdoing it this time, acting just to be crazy on tv some people are what is going on with that chick yeah exactly that one that one bitch is crazy exactly the first time i met her when she was a brian she's very nice very nice person first time i met her i'm like dude is that girl angry like what's going on man yeah i feel like did i upset her did i say

something rude because i don't you know i'm like i don't even remember interacting yeah she's got this mean face but then she's super nice yeah she's like the nicest person ever she just gets lost and overthought i think you know like she's constantly you know just thinking about things and then she looks angry it's called winning it's called winning it's called winning winning this charlie sheen meme has hit a it's turned a corner It's turned a corner I watched the podcast And all of a sudden This is not fun anymore There's two

There's three now But there's two different versions There's one where he actually Tries to do like a talk show Right It's very strange And it's very cocaine Because everyone in the room

Is like all happy And laughing at nonsense And there's this one guy Who won't stop playing fart sounds it's like you know he probably listened to the howard stern show twice and you know and said oh this is probably all it takes just need a fucking fart board and this guy's blowing off farts in the background for no reason whatsoever and charlie's like reading off cue cards just trying to have those synapses fire in some sort of a reasonable and understandable sequence.

Because it's just cocaine madness in that brain. His brain is ravaged, dude. He's got blowout holes in walls and water's leaking out. No one knows what the fuck happens to your brain when you blow seven fucking gram rocks. You're snorting them and smoking them for years and years he's fried he's barely trying to keep it together what if this is all a setup for a movie it'd be a fucking genius movie yeah i mean maybe not maybe not maybe the best i will never ever be on charlie sheen's bandwagon fuck him why why is it because it's just i don't know that's the best way to get

people mad i I think. It's just to be like, I'm not into what you're into, fuck you. Yeah, I actually have not been watching or following any of it. I feel like there's no reward in that for me. But there's a reward in following it. There's a reward in studying it like he's some fucking Lewis and Clark of cocaine and whores. He's out there in the woods and shit where Indians live. I'll tell you, cocaine and whores have been's out there in the woods and shit. Cocaine and whores have been around for a very, very long time. I'll be very shocked if Charlie Sheen

is going to discover something new about either. Two mil a week is how you discover something new. He's got radical amounts of money. Syndication money. When you have that kind of money, that's how dudes show up with briefcases and shit and there's 50 girls in the room.

He's doing other level shit because you're not supposed to get that rich and still have this crazy appetite for cocaine and whores. You're not supposed to be that open about it. You're not supposed to be that public about it. Well, that's what's crazy is that that's exactly where TV is going. This whole shit is the realist. Bitching rocks our life. where TV's going. This whole shit is the realest.

Supposedly, supposedly this is the realest you can get for reality shows now is having a Ustream channel and seeing somebody about to die. Maybe.

You know? Maybe. Or the whole thing's fucking fake. No, it's not fake, man. And it's directed by Shel Silverstein and this is like

the next biggest movie ever. For kids. In 3D. It's so scary when you look at his body and his face like the latest ones the latest two it looks like he hasn't eaten or slept in days like his skin is loose on his face yeah he looks like an old man yeah but it's because he's lost all this weight how old look at him that's that looks like he's only two years older than me and i don't know i know i don't

look like i did when i was young i look at myself when i was young and i'm like wow how weird is that like that's me I'm decaying right you know I'm like my body is morphing and changing but I look better

than that dude yeah that looks like Hugh Hefner Hugh Hefner right there yeah yeah

that's an old man that's like a 60 year old man by the way we're looking on Ustream he has all his videos and channels his name is W-Y-T-R

on Ustream and that says W-Y-T-V is W-Y-T-R on Ustream. That says W-Y-T-V, bro. W-Y-T-V. You know, I think that's just one of them. I mean, I think you can watch the actual Charlie Sheen one on Charlie Sheen's channel. This is the guy who's re-competent, is what it looks like.

But this one almost has a million views. Does it? Yeah, this might be it. Okay, maybe it is it. But here's what disturbs me. Look at the pointiness of his shoulder. Yeah. the bones yeah that's weird he's dying he's dying yeah that's that's real you know he's dying and he's winning yeah he looks like he looks like steve jobs right there yeah does he need a liver transplant yeah maybe that's what it is maybe

that's why he's all those whores in his house he's there he's like matching them one with the best organs i'm on to you bitch he's trying to find one with the best weather. Matching their organs. I'm on to you, bitch. He's trying to check them out. I used to say that about Dick Cheney. That Dick Cheney probably has like seven Secret Service agents, but only six are real Secret Service agents. One guy is just some dude who's got his blood type.

Yeah. And they're just waiting for Dick Cheney to die. So they're going to cut this dude open like a fish. Harvest it. We should check into that. One guy behind them with a truck with ice in it ready to throw the heart

in there while it's still beating what blood type are all those whores do you guys know what blood type you are I don't even know what blood type I am I think I have like

cat blood type or something O positive O positive Dana DeArmond's the only one here that's not high she was scared

she didn't want to go deep a little nervous i am a little nervous it's very hard to be in the same room with people who are professionally funny because even if i'm not funny i could just fucking open my ass and like accept a huge cock you know and everything will be okay things will pan out for me everybody will like you yeah they'll say wow way to go. Yeah, because I can fall back on just being pretty is enough. You don't have to worry about anything.

Just be yourself. You don't have to be funny. You don't have to be just be yourself. But I'd like to because I'd like to be impressive. Well, you are. But you know what? No more than you have to be. The beautiful thing about this podcast, for real,

is that it's like a conversation. It's like what people get a chance to see is it's like you get an in on an interesting conversation, you know? So just be yourself. So you're all good. That's what I... You don't have to just be funny. Oh, thanks. But you are.

You are funny. And if you haven't seen that clip, it's very funny. Have you ever thought about doing comedy? I don't know. Because it's kind of hard because I'm like already socially... social and marginalized by being a sex worker. And then people kind of expect you to be like sexy. And then I already had this conversation with Brian about female comics and how it's like that's already you're kind of a rung down on the ladder because, you know my boyfriend my period my cats you know kind of stuff

and it's really hard to get out of that it's that is the business is very hard for women and somebody like me coming in uh like being pretty and being a porn star and you know being like having a dirty mouth or whatever i feel like i'd be kind of painted into a certain corner of being expected to how can you be painted more than you are already i i know that's why i'm but as a porn star how could doing being a female comic which is i mean arguably the general consensus it would be a notch many notches above on the social ladder like how would it possibly fuck you up by being funny as well as doing what you already do? Maybe I'm just afraid of failing.

I don't know. Could be that, right? I mean, it's, it's very intimidating. Like I, I do like comedy bits for videos and stuff like that.

And people kind of always call me cause they need like a, a pretty girl or a naked girl or someone will do full frontal and whatever. And I have a good sport and i get jokes and stuff like that but um you know i don't know if i can just be like here are my series of jokes and then try to like change it from you know i feel like i would have to fall back on being a porn star for the basis of my comedy, which is something that is kind of counterproductive to what I do as a porn star because I sort of market myself as a girl next door

and a normal person, you know? So it would be, like, folded in on itself. No, it wouldn't. I really don't think it would because you would just be yourself on stage. I need that joint. Why do you? You do need it, right?

You do need it. Maybe we're not on the same level. I think what you said earlier. But you're right. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know. We're going to help you. Just reading your tweets, I think you're fucking hilarious.

And even if you just took what I do, I usually think of a tweet that I really like, and then I try to write a little story around that tweet because that pretty much is the meat of the goal. I'm sorry, what was I saying? Open that up so we can see what we're doing just in case. But that's like the meat of the goal. I'm sorry, what was that? Open that up so we can see what we're doing. But that's like the meat of a joke. A tweet pretty much is the best part of a joke usually.

So I think you'd be really good at it just based on your... What a tweet is is just 140 characters, just writing material. And not. That's the beautiful thing about it. Sometimes it's just whatever the fuck you think about anything. You know, like I was talking about, like I made a tweet last night that I was watching this Charlie Sheen thing, and then he sounds like Hunter S. Thompson. He's got this crazy, let's get some boys. You know, he's got this crazy, nutty, gonzo thing going on.

I'm like, wow, this is weird. Like now I'm stuck. Like, is that like a drug thing? It's not like you just go too far over the edge and everything's firing all fucking goofy? Is that what it is? Well, Charlie Sheen has been famous pretty much all his life and he was born into a famous family too. So that kind of sets you back a little bit to begin with

because you're already scrutinized and being watched pretty closely and you're in a bubble because you're rich from the moment you're born, basically. What stand-up comedy makes you do is be real as fuck. You can't fake it. You can't pretend something's going on that's not going on.

What's happening is happening. When you're talking about something, you better be actually thinking about something or those little animals out there are going to smell it. They're going to know and it's not going to work. Like me. Fucking happy heckler. I'm the worst. Yeah, you heckled Mike Young. I know.

It was so funny, though. It was entertaining to the 11 people that were there. Well, listen, Mike Young needs it. He does. He needs it. As long as you don't do that to anybody good. And don't do it just because someone's bombing. Because sometimes we bomb when we're trying to work something out.

I can tell when people are working things out.'m sure you can i'm sure you can you you just felt insulted by what mike young was selling yeah that's what it is i know that feeling he was like peeing on my shoes and telling me it was raining it was yeah it was miserable yeah well you can you can you know guys can go down a bad road you know and then he was like hey i see you you have bangs and i was like nailed it burn like what the fuck are you talking about bangs what are you doing with those oh yeah you can come to her girl it's allowed you can come do uh joe's show tomorrow if you want to do a five minute set of reading your tweets we're doing a show tomorrow oh yeah um before i even

this weekend is comedy and magic club um so uh this uh fr this Friday and Saturday We're at the Comedy and Magic Club In Hermosa Beach And tickets are There's still some left But not much And then next week Friday night We're going to Gotham

Me and the Wild Jew In Gotham At Nice It's got a lot of cat hair on it It's feeling up a flashlight It's an alien pussy And that's next

Next Friday night yeah and then wednesday tomorrow we'll have sal's sal's comedy hall in la tom segura christina and uh a lot of people eliza schlesinger yeah a lot of people are going it's gonna be really fun and that's a great place to fuck around i came up with two new jokes last time i was there really just on stage yeah that's awesome because it's such a little intimate environment, and everyone knows that it's like you're there for that. It's like everyone knows that you're there. I do my material, but I'm really there. I want to entertain you,

but I also want to go down crazy roads and see what happens, like completely free ball. And you can't do that in a big crowd. You need to do that in like an 80-seater, a 90-seater. Then you really know what's funny and what's not. You can't get off any tricks. In an intimate what's funny and what's not you can't get off any tricks in an intimate environment

a really small room you can't get off any tricks it's like it's either funny or it's not you know and it's very truthful

you know and you could do that I'm telling you you could do it it's like when you're when you're talking about not wanting

all these other things like not wanting to be demeaning you've already managed to avoid that in the most demeaning job possible. Yeah, I guess I have. Seriously.

I mean, it depends. I don't feel like it's that demeaning. I think there could be worse. Fuck anyone that judges. Anyone that judges. Anybody that's not hurting anybody. If anybody's just not hurting anybody, whatever you're doing, how weird it may be, that's what makes you happy.

I'm brainwashed. Or maybe I need to be rescued. Or maybe I was raised improperly right or you know or i'm some kind of a heathen or something that i'm just you know i need the right person to slap some sense into me because well they think that because for most people that's the case for most people in your business that's the case i mean it's not a rational reason for them to think i mean there mean, there's a fair percentage. It doesn't account for all variabilities. There's a lot more variables. Variabilities?

There's a lot more variables. It doesn't count for all of them. And people can be into all kinds of things for no fucking reason. And to say that it's all from abuse or... Yes. So you were happy growing up? Happy person?

Yeah, very. You know, mom, dad, brother, cats. brother cats everybody normal shit just really open about sex in your house like how did you become so uh i don't know i was like i'm weird and i've always been weird like i asked my mom what was i like when i was a kid and she was like pretty much exactly the same way as you are now just shorter and i was like okay been like this kind of neurotic silly person for a very long time and I never had like any sex talks with my parents I think at a certain point they were like it's really normal to experiment with sex and drugs but you probably shouldn't drink and I was like well I'm gonna go get drunk because if my parents think that drugs

and sex are cool they must suck or be nerdy or whatever like i they i kind of went alex p keaton on them right a little flip man that's something you got to really be aware of when you're raising kids you can't just tell them what you want them to do right no you don't yeah you got to kind of figure out a way to trick them trick the little monsters yeah that's weird yeah so you just gravitated towards the alcohol to be a rebel. Yeah. I was like a really bad drinker when I was younger. And I went through phases where I would like not drink at all, but then like pick right

up and like be a drunk person until I was like 23. Wow. Yeah. I was just like, and like sex. I mean, I wasn't like super interested in it. Like I had boyfriends and stuff. And like my parents never tried to make me feel bad about sex, but the men that I was with always did.

They made you feel bad about it in what way? About like how many people I've had sex with or like what I'm into or whatever. And I was just like, I always found it to be pretty strange. So I guess like my parents raised me to have good ideas about sexuality, but really it wasn't really laid out for me in any way. Well, for men, you want to know how many partners, because then the likelihood of her leaving you becomes assessed. Like how long she will stick around.

That's such a sensitive thing to say, which I think is really interesting, because I think that a lot of people would say, you know, you know, to see if she's like a whore or slutty or if she's like diseased or whatever. There's that. She's going to give me herpes.

There's that too. There's that feeling that she's not special. But I think that's pretty, yeah, pretty interesting. Well, I think a girl that's been around is very special. you're going to give your love up to a girl.

Yeah, well, what the fuck? You're an accumulation of all your experiences sexual or right whatever the fuck you want to do i mean maybe you made miss the only problem is it becomes like you find out about like trains that were run on her and like how many times damn bitch like how many gang bangs three fuck you know then you start thinking how can i ever think that that's weird sex is special between us you know how can i ever think that that's sex is special between us you know how can i ever think that uh

that this is uh this is it's for real it's worthy of my love real shit yeah it's not what i see in the movies you know it's not what i see in sandra book's movies sandra book never gets a train run on her you know she doesn't go to work you get fucked i mean she probably come home and want to cuddle with you so she could fucking do whatever now. No, not for a woman. She can go full. They can vanish. She's on the verge of vanishing already. She's 40 years old, 43 years old or something like that.

Oh, she's so cute. She is very cute, but I mean, you're not going to want to see her as she's 60 in a romantic comedy about a woman trying to find her way, and she coaches a bunch of black guys that are playing football, and she learns valuable life lessons. She kind of went like MILf in that Blindside movie. She was a little bit of a mom not like a girlfriend or a sexy boss.

It's so funny how we identify with someone who's going through some crazy mental strife on television. Crazy crap. She doesn't deserve that. She seems nice enough. I do wonder why she was married to that Jesse James fella. He's completely tattooed all over the place what is that about i never really understood that yeah is that like a they both enjoy cocaine or something i think he's a charmer charmer there's

some guys that are charmers and i think uh he was very obsessed with being famous listen to me i'm like i'm fucking what do i have nancy grace What we have here is a charmer. He's a bullshit artist, and he's getting this girl to believe him. Now we have a dead baby in Florida. That's all that bitch talks about. There's a dead baby in Florida, and Nancy Grace is on that shit. You will look for this story on CNN.com. You will find nothing.

Here we have the mother come home from work, buy cigarettes with their baby in the car. I know. I love it. She hates Casey Anthony so much. Who's Casey Anthony? She killed her daughter, Kaylee Anthony, in Florida. Why would she hate her?

She seems cool. No, but the thing is, she's not ever trying to present herself as an impartial news person. She's like, and Casey Anthony, they will figure out the truth about you because you murdered your baby. Well, he's like, what?

I said, he's a, there's a Freudian right there. She's totally biased. Well, she's not a lot. She's not supposed to be a news person. She's like a discussion person. I know, but it just. She's a former prosecutor. Like that's the.

It's so like. The interesting part of her case. She's got it figured out. That's the crazy thing is like when she's, when she's talking about Tiger Woods, like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Settle the fuck part of her case. She's got it figured out. The crazy thing is when she's talking about Tiger Woods, like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Settle the fuck down, hooker. I thought you were all about dead babies in Florida. What are you doing about black athletes that like to fuck?

Like, really? You're going to spend three weeks working on black athletes that want to fuck? Like, really? Who are these girls? Where do they come from? How did they get his phone number? Well, Nancy Grace. Nancy Grace would love some black cock.

He probably gave it to them. If anybody could use some black cock, it's Nancy Grace. I could see her enjoying it. Couldn't you? I'd pay for that. I could see her enjoying it. I could see her getting stuffed. Somebody just finally fucking treating her like she's really sexual and hot

for the first time in 20, 30 years. She'd get into it. Big man, dango, ebony, sward. Sward? Yes. Notice how I enunciated the W? Sward. Oh, you're such a dad.

See, that's fucking comedy right there. That's timing timing you could totally be a stand-up comedian there you go you could totally do it i'm telling you we're the same real comics and comics and porn stars are very very similar we all come from some fucking weird place where we didn't get what we were supposed to get we were young and there's a hole and you know you fill that hole up however you want with jokes or with dicks it's the same thing there's room for both my whole thing yeah

I'm telling you you could do it you could fit hands in there and shit claps people can clap you got five minutes tomorrow at Sal's Comedy Hall

oh my gosh you don't have to do it no pressure you don't want to fuck look what happened with her with drinking you can't do that dude you can't you can't push her in a direction she's gonna push back she's not gonna take your son he's for psychology yeah man he's trying to trick you

i saw the funniest photo of you she has by the way she has an obsession with uh trannies like she like is addicted to trannies i saw this. I saw one of these big black. Giant. She was like 7'2", 7'4", something. She was giant. I like how you say she. She was a huge girl. She is so funny. How is it she? Was that even a turn on?

I just thought she was like really owning her shit. She was just like working the room. Like it must be. Like I'm 5'8", and I feel like I'm a little bit too tall. You're 5'8"? Yeah. Do you feel tr just like work in the room like it must be like I'm 5'8 and I feel like I'm a little bit too tall you know you're 5'8 yeah I kind of

feel tranny like sometimes I I'm in touch with my inner tranny inner tranny my my masculine side my masculine

feminine side they have a pussy boner it's a fem bone fem bone or lesbone depends what it's for

yeah I don't know what Yeah. I don't know. What is that? What? I don't know. I'm just making up words. What the fuck are you guys talking about? No, but I'm... Why is it a terrible time to get your balls caught in your pants and you have to adjust?

This conversation is going on my mind. The last thing I want is anybody to think that I'm getting hard right now. But I'm shifting in my pants because I'm sitting on my balls. It's like a Larry David pants boner moment. Here, I'll put a black bar over that. You're talking about like fem boner something and I'm like, god damn it. I do have to adjust my balls pants boner moment I'll put a black bar over that you're talking about like femme boner something and I'm like

god damn it I do have to adjust my balls what terrible timing I'm very obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race I've been watching it for all three seasons

and I really like the drag queens I used to hang out with drag queens a lot when I lived in Florida what's the obsession you find it cool

or it's interesting aesthetically when people are just really being themselves even if it means like dressing as a different gender or whatever it's interesting just like when people are just really being themselves right even if it means like dressing as a different gender or whatever it's just because that's like what they feel it's very ambiguous and i really like that why not right yeah why the fuck not like i used to go out and like pulling drag looks with drag queens in florida and

and i like blended in with them because they thought you were a big woman. Yeah, they thought I was like a dude dressed as a woman. A girl dressed as a dude dressed as a girl. Like, it's some pretty next level inception type of shit. It's the next level shit. Yeah, your hands are too small and your feet are too small. If you were a dude, you were really

one of those people that were supposed to be born a woman. Yes. You know? Wow. That would be the worst. It's way better to be a woman who looks like, might be a tranny than a dude who looks like a woman. But those trannies that are like the girl like their genes

are just messed up and they just ended up with a dick but they're like really more a woman. They have like a whole different like if they want to do tranny porn it's very niche and they look more like women than like someone that maybe started transitioning later in life or that was more masculine. Right. And so it opens their door to like be like the best transsexual prostitute or porn star

or whatever. Like they could really like cash in on that. You know, if people really want to make their sex like an issue. But you got to keep taking that issue deeper and deeper how can you be the best so is it possible to compete who's the best tranny yeah they like tranny awards bailey bailey jay got the best transsexual performer you do like follow the trannies i do yeah she's addicted she's addicted trannies follow me and i follow them back and well a lot of times they fool me and i think they're just hot

girls they're probably just happy that someone accepts them you know i think why shouldn't any why shouldn't anybody accept them joe rogan you're right exactly i think there's a broad spectrum there's a huge spectrum and all i care about people thought they were gonna hear about like that fighting stuff or like fucking stuff and we're teaching people real values yeah well that means that's what this this thing is about this is just a conversation yes you know we we it's so easy to judge people valuable well it's easy to get confused and we naturally gravitate towards teams and if you're not on team dress like a guy all of a sudden there's something fucked up about you but if you're a fucking guy who really loves dressing

like a chick who the fuck am i right who's anybody to say there's something wrong with that i kind of dress like a guy and i'm a lady girls dress like guys all the time i never have a problem with it i mean i don't want to dress like a woman but i don't give a shit if you do every time hillary swank's hot who Who? Hilary Swank. I think she's hot. Every time I dress like a guy, someone goes, you look like Hilary Swank. I think she's hot. I dress like a dude.

I think Hilary Swank. I've heard dudes say that they think she looks like a man. I'm like, I don't know. Maybe you need to get a certain amount of man in you. You need to be a certain amount of masculine to appreciate a beauty like Hilary Swank, which is a little on the manly side. I never even thought of that before. Strong jawline.

You need to be more dominant, more masculine than her. Handsome woman. Yeah, you don't want to be like a frail man and you want to fuck Hillary Swank. She'll mount you and ground and pound you. I feel like I'm, I am actually probably more masculine

than Hillary Swank, the person. I would have to see the two of you together because when you see someone in real life, like people always tell me when they meet me, God damn, you're so fucking short. Like I never thought you were that short in real life. No, it's true. How tall are you?

5'8". But on TV, you know, you look big. You know, you're on television. Then these people meet me and they're like towering over me. And they're like, you know, like you meet a guy who's like 6'4". He's like, oh, I thought you were fucking taller. Like you don't know what anybody's like until you actually meet them. I mean, you'd have to see.

Like I've met celebrities that I thought were like these big people and they're these little tiny people. And look at Conan O'Brien. I never knew have to you'd have to see like I've met celebrities that I thought were like these big people and there's these Little tiny people and then look at Conan O'Brien. I never knew he was that tall Very tall which I'm sure makes it awkward when he does his show because he towers over all these people and he wants to be Unassuming and you know, you know, it's it's it's interesting thing. So who's more manly you were Hillary's right? She'd have to be sitting right next to you She did million-dollar baby and she played the boxer. She's like pretty fucking manly, you or Hilary Swank? She'd have to be sitting right next to you. Probably me. Because when she did Million Dollar Baby and she played the boxer, she looked pretty fucking manly. But she was an actress.

But she was yoked. Do you remember that? I could work out if I didn't love not working out so much. Right, but she already did it. She already did it, so I'm pretty sure she's more masculine than you. I don't know. Look, if you were together, right next to each other, and she... Just because I was buff doesn't mean they're masculine.

The fuck it doesn't. Yeah, it does. It's all directly related to how difficult it would be to rape you that's what exactly that's what it is and you look like you'd be a tangle like god damn i can't even get hard because i gotta fight and fight for my life here i'm feisty if a man feels like he could just absolutely run away with you like grab you and i've done porn and i've like tortured people on their balls i don't think i would have any like problem like trying to like punch someone in the face or rip their eyes out or kick them in the dick or something.

Of course you would. Because I've been like very aggressively sexual towards men and shame them. Right. So I feel like that would be an advantage over a rapist. Rapists. Nobody tried to rape me because I can kick your dick in balls. All I'm saying. All I'm saying is.

Why are you trying to get people to rape me? I'm not saying. You know your'm saying all i'm saying is are you trying to get people to rape me i'm not saying you know your followership you i'm not saying that no please don't rape dana there i said please and if you're thinking about it please stop thinking about it yeah that's not what i'm saying what i'm saying is that's when a woman becomes manly looking when she looks how different it's very rude it's very right It's very, right? It's so inconsiderate. It's so inconsiderate. I want to fuck you even if you don't want it. This girl I was talking to the other day, she said she was raped twice. And I'm like, which one was the better one?

Oh, no. Dude, write that down. Write that down. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's a bit. If you had to choose one, which one was better? You got to do that tomorrow night at Sal's. A hundred percent. That is a bit. No doubt about it. That's a bit. That's a bit. I was like, if you had to choose one, which one was better? You got to do that tomorrow night at Sal's.

A hundred percent. That is a bit. No doubt about it. That's really funny. I think it's really funny because some people on the BTS of porn movies, they'll try to be like, when'd you lose your virginity? And some people just full on is like, how old were you the first time you were raped? Did you say BTS?

Yeah, the behind the scenes footage of the movies. Oh, okay. Oh, I didn't know that. Industry talk. Oh. Yeah, sorry. That's from, that's one for our side I wasn't even gonna ask

because I thought you were saying Hollywood zero I thought you were saying like a message board like a BBS oh no no no like the little

behind the scenes footage people are like how old were you when you first met us do they show you guys like douching and cleaning your butt I always try to trick people

into like watching me pee and douche and stuff because they're not really supposed to film like peeing no because like the distributors have like a problem with it well it might be like peeing on people in some places obscene but um i did a movie called girls lie for vivid alt directed by ii makai and it had a girl taking a pregnancy test and she peed on it on the toilet

and they can show it because it's like in a medical environment it's yeah like a normal environment like pp goes in the toilet not in dana's mouth person's mouth i saw that's what you think i saw a guy piss in someone's mouth live it's really funny i think it's funny i think it's more hilarious than anything that you know somebody like they want to jack off to the movies and i want to see naked people and they want to see some weird shit but then also kind of like want to laugh i think but i saw this at a rock and roll show it was a there's a guy that used to do it called extreme elvis and he oh yeah i've met him i've met him yeah he's buddies with doug stanhope and uh doug was opening up for him at this bar the guy goes up there he's fat as fuck and he's a really good singer like he's really good and the

band is tight you know it's not just a bizarro show and then the guy takes his clothes off and he has a micro phallus a complete micro phallus i mean it's like to the point where people are laughing hysterically i believe it's still up on my website i believe i took a picture of his dick and and he's pissing in this woman's mouth he goes who wants to drink the king's piss this girl goes i do i do and she gets her knee and i took pictures of the whole thing i took pictures of him pissing in her mouth pissing in a glass she drinks the glass like it is fucking crazy it's he climbs off stage and he's in the crowd and some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass he can like pee on q yeah some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass and he goes that's the wrong hole it's right here get it right here like he helps her stuff this beer bottle up his ass and she panics

and just drops the bottle wow like she panicked like she thought she would stick her beer bottle up this guy's ass and he would freak out like hey what the fuck right but he goes you're getting the wrong hole honey it's right here i'll guide you in there and he starts helping her stick a fucking beer bottle up his asshole like that's how deep this guy's ready to go. Yeah. So I run into him. I mean, I think that's art. I run into him at the Paul Provenza show.

I run into him at the Paul Provenza show. And now he's no longer Extreme Elvis. And I think he's like clean and sober now. He used to get hammered as fuck before he did that show. I've talked to him before. I've met him before a while ago. Like at the Bright Spot or something. And I was talking on the Paul Provenza show about a guy that I used to know who was a male feminist.

That's how he would describe himself, as a male feminist. And it was just this really sad, weak guy. Yeah, he was kind of like subby. Yeah, it was very subby. And he was this guy, like this really like a bag of jello as a human being. He was just like, and eventually she left him. And so anyway, I was mocking this whole idea of like, how the fuck could you be a male feminist?

And after I get off stage, he goes, well, I'm a male feminist. And I'm like, oh, wow. I would love to debate you on that. Like, we should do this on TV. I'm like, you just said it. You just said exactly what I said. Like a fleshy ball of jello with a micro phallus and you're a male feminist. Well,

of course you are. You have to. You look like a fat lady. Well, basically, you know, no offense. You're,

you're a bad motherfucker at what you do when, when you do that crazy Elvis thing. But like, you know, talking about being a feminist, like be whatever the fuck you want to be, but you can't tell me it's not ridiculous. You're,

you're, you're like really into the female of the species. Like you're, you're really like thinking of them first? What the fuck are you talking about? How about being a goddamn human? How about being a human across the board sexually? Whether it's male, female, gay, straight, tranny.

Who gives a shit? How about being across the board? Not a fucking feminist, you dumbass. You can't defend that. You only want to help women. You only want to promote women. You fucking weak bitch. That's weak shit

that's weak i don't even call myself a feminist i would say like i'm not not a feminist because there's certain things i can get on board with and whatever but you know there's so many different waves of feminism that people come behind you and just be like it's just grouping everything together stupid to begin with yes all groups are stupid you know all of it anything where you're looking out for one i mean you can't fucking fix the world i mean there's some things you have to have like you have to have some sort of a a group that's there to investigate claims of racism when it comes to jobs and stuff like that i mean you have to have some groups but as little as possible that's good sure yeah as little as. As little goddamn groups as possible.

Yeah. That's the key. You know? People get on fucking team mentality mode and they start just going after it. I'm on team straight. I'm on team queer. You know? I'm on this.

I'm on that. They can't help it. I like it. I like it all. Everybody's got to lighten the fuck up. Right, Dana? Yes. Isn't that the key to this world?

When people say that weed could fix the world, that's like for real. It sounds silly. It sounds silly coming from a fucking comedian and a porn star and a video comedian. But we keep it real, obviously. So maybe people listen to us because maybe we're a little bit more informed.

I read this post on a message board the other day about this dude who talked about he had smoked pot for the first time in like seven years and he was absolutely terrified to his core and then it brought up all these crazy thoughts of childhood and he could not handle it and it opened up this fascinating discussion because um you know some people were saying that's normal and some people were saying well you got some shit you got to deal with, there's some fucking with you in the back of your head, and in your sober life, you're not addressing it, but that's why weed is good for you.

You're supposed to look at everything all the time, and a lot of us don't. We like to bury shit in the back of our head and try not to address whatever's fucking with us, and weed just turns a light on that shit. Whatever you have in your life that's fucking with you, that you're trying to put deep in your subconscious,

marijuana does not allow that. It doesn't allow it. So people say, oh, it makes me paranoid. No, no, it's making you think about the shit you need to be thinking about. You should be fucking paranoid.

You should be aware of how vulnerable you are. The world is very fucked up. Yes. I had to move because people were stealing my mail when I lived in Silver Lake. I had to move to a high security building.

I couldn't deal. Because they knew where you were? Yeah. Fans? And I did think I was paranoid, but I was like, no, these people for real know who I am. And it's kind of trippy. Did you have a happy childhood, do you think? Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Really? My parents were involved in everything. PTA, Girl Scouting. i was a figure skater are they you say finger skating how does how do your parents deal with uh what you do now um i don't know if i don't know if they deal with it i don't know it's not really something that's a non-issue it's a non-issue yeah really they're like no big deal you're just yeah having sex on film yeah wow that's fascinating pretty much well they also see that you know i

have a reasonable uh you know amount of following and fan base and people who appreciate what i contribute to the porn industry besides just being like just wormholes and a bunch of fake hair. It's, you know, just... So you contribute being your personality and your sense of humor? Yeah, definitely. But my parents respect my decisions, which is maybe kind of a very foreign concept for most people. It is for a lot of people.

People's parents tend to, you know, tell them what to do and my my parents are opposite they told me like were they religious at all no well that's the reason my parents are religious yeah what is their background oh man my my grandmother is from germany and i don't think that my mom was raised with a religion my grandmother was like a new agey what does your dad do for a living whatever my dad does uh kind of weird shit like i he works at a catering company now um but he was like an on-site security manager of a storage facility and he used to be a ceo of a software company and he quit that to be a fish farmer and then he like went to like ranch cattle in oklahoma like my dad is kind of all over the place wow that's kind of. Like my dad is just kind of all over the place.

Wow. That's kind of cool though. My dad is like kind of like a genius at all, all sorts of things. But like for that amount of time, you know, he just like, yeah,

he's like turbo thruster. Like why not man? Shouldn't you be able to just fucking change careers in your life? My dad does it all the time. And my, my mom works, um, at a company that makes stuff to blow up brown people in Florida. Wow.

Like a missile company? Like some... Arms? Yeah. Some form of arms? Yeah. It doesn't have to be brown. We might jack some yellow people in North Korea.

Sure. We keep talking shit. Keep talking shit. Rice eating motherfuckers. We got some shit for your ass. My mom has been in her job for a really long time. A bunch of people got mad at me. Republican people.

This MMA forum. Because we were in Kentucky. And there was some fights going on. And this kid who was a wrestler was fighting this other guy who was a kickboxer from Italy. And he lives in America. But they were chanting, USA, USA. And I was like, really, Kentucky? I'm like, that guy lives in Miami.

We're all immigrants. Everyone in this fucking country descended from immigrants. No one was here 10,000 years ago. It was all ice, you fuck. That's the whole deal with America. This guy actually lives here, and you're yelling USA. And people were saying, there's nothing wrong with patriotism, fuck. That's the whole deal with America. This guy actually lives here, and you're yelling USA. People were saying, there's nothing wrong with patriotism,

and you're enforcing your beliefs on other people. I'm like, no, I'm making fun of shit. I think it's stupid. You're being colored commentary. Silly. You're yelling at USA. Watch these guys for their goddamn technique, and their courage, and what the fuck they're trying to accomplish.

The difficulty of the task is a great goddamn fight between this all-american wrestler who beat phil davis and ryan badass fucking wrestler and this italian kickboxer who's trying to get his ground game together it's a great fucking fight and these dildos usa usa spit all over the back of the person's head in front of them just dumb fucking mouth-breeding cocksuckers how you know and they get mad at you for being upset at it how else did you feel about that your your time over in kentucky because i i grew up around there and i going through kentucky was always a fun time louisville is great dude louisville is a great city yeah the comedy club is fucking fantastic the people there are super cool the people that work there were super cool it's like it's got this weird southern sort

of the like almost hippie thing going on there's like a lot of like young people there there's a lot of like open-minded people there and then there's a lot of old money and then there's a lot of ghetto yeah so it's this weird combination of shit no not lexi not in louisville really louisville's old money it's like it's a rare part of the South where there's a lot of really established social clans and groups and socialites. A lot of money. Really old money down there. But a lot of educated people, too.

But they're on that show, the first 48. They're on that show all the time, apparently. People are getting jacked in Louisville. You know, I got U-verse. That show shows real dead bodies that's so creepy it's dark i watch isn't it weird that you can show uh you know anybody getting shot in a movie but you can't show people really fucking yeah it's amazing or like a woman experiencing sexual pleasure it's like okay if it's like the dude going oh but like you can't have a guy just have

a girl having an orgasm it's very not done yeah right does it ever happen yeah you never you never see like the girl coming it's always no even if it's the guy and it's usually like when howard stern did the um private parts and the girls like on the speaker um like having an orgasm because howard was making the noises and stuff i remember that was so shocking when that came out like that was so Yeah, when that movie came out fuck. Yeah, that was hot. She's sitting on the speaker and he's going Yeah, that was cool That's interesting that it's not thought of as being very important if you come because it's all leftover

Barbarian shit and we used to hold you down by your hair and just shoot a load in you and run away That's what it is. That's how people made babies back then. It is gross, but it's the reason why men are stronger than women. Why aren't you strong too? You're not strong too, so we can rape you easier. It's really that simple. There's no logical reason why you wouldn't be like...

That's why God made me tall. We're stronger to fight off other men that want to fuck you and kill the babies. That's what we're strong for. That's totally right. We're strong to We're stronger to fight off other men that want to fuck you and kill the babies. That's what we're strong for. That's totally right. We're strong to rape you and to fight off other men. That's it.

Because you're supposed to make babies. Because otherwise you would be strong too. That's why I'm glad those guys wrestle each other so they get all out of their system

instead of trying to rape me. This is shit that academics haven't even considered, yo. They haven't even looked into this so deeply. They're scared because of social constructs. All right?

We had Ari Shafir on his podcast had a guest that was addicted to going to bathhouses, or I mean massage parlors, to get laid. Did he say his name? No, no, no. Ari? Did you have him on with a mask on or something? Yeah, he had a Spider-Man mask on. Oh, yeah.

Dude, I almost said his name. Yeah, I know. Yes. But anyways, that was close. Sorry. This is live. Maybe we should consider not having this live. Even Charlie Sheen edits his shit.

But so anyways, I never knew. Like, I always heard the handjob thing where they say handjobs. But he was talking about how there's places here in L.A., many places, that he can get just like fucking full-on hooker sex. What? And he says that he's gotten to the point where he has places that has favorite get just like fucking full-on hooker sex what and he says that he's gotten to the point where he has places that has favorite places with his favorite he's like yeah this is like an la 10 at this one place wow and it's 150 and you just fucking there sit there and fuck after you do that at 15 minute massage whoa and he says he says they even bring out the women so

they can look like the bunny ranch where they they all come and say hi and stuff like that at massage parlors is there a thing where you can get the massage part of your sex massage at the end because i think that would be like more relaxing yeah right there's kind of the wind down they give you a legit massage and then they jerk you off at the end i would take the massage at the end though the crazy thing is i just start yeah fast out the gate and then i would get like the wind down oh i see yeah so you would go, wow, that's interesting. For a guy, I think it's the opposite, right? Give me the massage first and then beat me off.

Don't be. Yeah. Yeah. Because after you beat me off, I just want to go away. Yeah. I'm done. See ya. And I don't need a massage.

It's good. I feel good. I'm loose. You gotta go. When men have an orgasm, there's a fucking instinctive need that you have to overcome to just run like as soon as you come just get away it's true in real life fuck the movies in real life when a guy comes i'm telling you he wants to run away i mean you want to stay if you love your wife or your girlfriend and you you know you have this relationship together but if you don't

if you don't know each other that well then all all sudden you fucking like yeah What have I done? Sometimes sometimes if you really love it, but there's a lot of times when you're not there's a lot of times when you just want to run Especially if you're drinking if you're drinking and you know that somehow know that you've allowed the alcohol and your penis to talk you into some Unreasonable situation and then as soon as you orgasm, it just becomes clear what the fuck happened. And then you want to run away. Get me out of here. So what I'm trying to say is it's way better to get the massage first. Loosen you up, then jerk off.

We're done. We're done here. We're done. Thank you. He also said that how he got an escort once. And he was in this weird small town. It was like 3 o'clock in the morning, and he only had two options on the internet.

He found their websites, and one, the lady was already out doing something else, but the other one would show her eyes only, and then it would show her leg or something like that because it couldn't show the whole thing. And so he's like, fuck it. I'm going to do this. And she seemed really nice on the phone or stuff then she comes over and it was like she she was just like

had like stab wounds she like her teeth were all fucked up and her voice sounded like pj stansberry was like hey come over here and stuff like that and he said it was so bad that like he would like felt like he it was impossible to fuck this girl so then he goes uh yeah i have this thing that i like to do it's where you give me a blow job i put a blanket over you while i watch porn and she's like all right you know and then afterwards she's like do you mind if i finish myself up you got me all hot and bothered and so she just puts one leg up over on and just starts fucking masturbating oh god it's called skeptic tank 2 uh ari shafir skeptic tank 2 death squad podcast but listen to that oh my that's so sad i i have a friend that has been addicted to going

to those massage parlors forever and he's never had a girlfriend as long as i've known him yeah i've known him for more than 10 years and more than 10 years that i've known him all this guy does is he's he's not a very good looking guy and he's not built very well and he went bald really young in life and he's never been successful. He just has a real hard time. He gets real nervous around chicks. So he just goes to these Asian massage places. He just gets whacked off

all the time. So a good percentage of like, he doesn't make a lot of money. So the good percentage of what this guy makes every week goes to just getting whacked off. And like he takes them out on dates sometimes. He was talking to me about it once. We were playing pool

and he was talking to me about it. He was like, yeah, well, you know, I'm taking her on a date this Friday. I go, what? Okay.

All right. Don't judge him, Joe. No, no. I'm saying, do you think is she going to be your boyfriend? Are you going to be

her boyfriend? Like what's going on? Like you guys going to, yeah. That'd be a good romantic comedy right there wax off dudes all day and then fall in love with your but i felt like this i felt like what the way he was telling me it was almost like he had talked her into doing it because she didn't

want to lose him as a customer right you know times are tough you know when you get that steady 700 a week coming from one dude yikes you know You know, when you think about it. Can't he just do it himself like every other day or something? Yeah. Can't he like just fucking find a fat chick with a mustache and just be like, look, we can fuck each other once a week, but I have to get really drunk every time I do it. He's like, okay. He can get jerked off by cute Asian girls. What are you talking about?

It's a ridiculous option. He's already plateaued on a higher higher his horizons are set far higher. You don't understand human nature, son. You're talking some unrealistic nonsense. Doesn't work that way, right Dana? That's right, Joe. Back to you. And the traffic today

is sponsored by the Fleshlight. You totally could be working for entertainment tonight right now. We got you as a comic. I could get a leg cam. Mary Hart, gotta light my legs real nice. like working for entertainment tonight right now. We got you as a comic and we got you. I could get a leg cam. Yeah. Go on. Leg cam. Yeah. Mary Hart got to light my legs real nice.

Oh, that's right. Do they light her legs up? Grease them up. Do they? She had a leg greaser for some times it seemed like. Like sometimes it would go

like Mary Hart's legs were just like greasy like she just had banana oil all over her and shit like that. Yes. Isn't that funny, man? Oh my gosh.

Oh, we're going to have our own show. Yay. Does that make sense to you? Let's go we're gonna have our own show yay does that make sense to you being a woman being a woman seeing like men like freaking out about body parts and seeing like that's all you need to like sell a car and some woman with slinky legs that like folds them over and gets in the front seat yeah and everybody wants to buy that fucking cadillac there's pussy in that car you know this is some crazy connection crazy connection. It's very disfetishist. What is it like though

to be a professional woman like that? To be a professional sex symbol? Like dudes are, they look at you and 99% of them are thinking about sex.

They're thinking about sex that you've had and what you're selling. If I wasn't in the business I'm in, I feel like people would probably look at me

that way anyway. No, really? Yeah. Why is that? Because I'm always like, I'm in, I feel like people would probably look at me that way anyway. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because I'm always like, I'm trying to talk it out with my co-workers and stuff and I'm like, I think this guy just wants to fuck me because I'm a porn star. And then like Manuel Ferrara looks at me and goes, no idiot. They want to fuck you because you're hot.

And I'm like, oh, okay. I mean, anyone can make up whatever backstory, even if they've seen like a digital image on their computer or not people can like when you see a hot girl you are you have a whole your imaginations are run wild if i worked with you at bath and body works i would want to fuck you the whole time i was at body works exactly why would i work at yeah i am not full of myself i've just this is information that i've acquired no it's nothing wrong with that what you said you're

being honest but yeah it is honest it's also very possible that he wanted to fuck you because he saw you fuck people on film right and you're a porn star I've watched her fuck

one time on film now that's fine yeah I was just I mean you can that's what it's for it's not just like you have to stop looking at me naked

because we're friends now that's funny it's just not the way that it goes that's funny there's no social taboo between you watching porn that i'm in just because we're friends a lot of people that i find in porn it's kind of strange there there's lines that they draw you know there's very distinct lines like i remember this couple that i met we were doing the man show and

this couple came on they were talking about how they're allowed to fuck other people while they work they're both in porn but then off work you're not allowed to just go randomly fuck people. Right. And I was like, wow, that's a weird distinction. Like, how do you figure that one out?

Like, you're okay with them fucking whoever at work. But that was the other thing. Like, one guy was on the set and his girlfriend started sucking this guy's dick

when the camera wasn't running. He's like, hey, what the fuck? And he got all mad. That's weird. How crazy is that? I think that's weird.

How crazy is that? He's like, he's fucking, you guys aren't even got all mad that's weird how crazy is that that's weird how crazy is that he's like i've worked with you guys aren't even filming and she's just sucking what what's up what's up i've actually i've worked with people and have the same kind of thing where it's like uh they can do whatever they want on camera but the guy has to like stroke himself like when he's like getting ready to go like the girl can't help because that's like against their it's like maybe they might be the same the girl can't help. Isn't that crazy? It's like maybe they might be the same people. I don't know.

Isn't that crazy? But yeah, it's just they're socially monogamous. They have a rule. There's a line that you draw. Well, I used to date a guy in the business. And outside of work, we didn't fuck around or whatever. Wow. No.

And he did some things that I found were questionable. And he was like, there's a camera I found were questionable and he was like, there's a camera in the room and I was like, you're a fuck. That's fucked up. That's not the same thing. Right. Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah. Home porn doesn't count? No. No, it has to be paid porn. But I mean, it just, your boundaries are your own and it doesn't matter

what you do for a living just because you're a comedian doesn't, no one's allowed to tell jokes in my house besides me. You know, that's just not the way that life works right um but you know if you have a like some kind of contract like marriage or you're with somebody and you say okay well we

live together now so like i don't want you sleeping with other people even though i do porn for living do you know what i'm saying it's just because that's what you've arranged between the two of you that's a weird thing though why arrange anything why why make something that someone can't do if you're allowing the most sacred of sacred things you're allowing this person to fuck other people right on on film why not just allow them to be themselves why put any boundaries just here come here at night and and this is where we live i don't know because i don't know if sex is not that sacred to some people maybe because maybe like the people that i work with they don't have my address right you know what i mean and maybe that's a little bit more my privacy and my security is more sacred to me than actually the actual physical act of that's true right yeah that's true it's like pleasure it's like would you get mad every time

you masturbated to the video? No, what I'm saying is why put a boundary on it, though? Why put a boundary? Not necessarily. I see what you're saying. Because people are like,

you know, with their Virgo and they want things to be a certain way, you know, so they can be in their realm of comfortability. Let people do

what the fuck they want to do and find someone who you're compatible with instead of trying to morph someone to your expectations. That's the number one problem with relationships. Yeah.

People find people that are incompatible with them and they try to make them fit. And it doesn't fucking work that way. Right. If one person's a control freak and the other person's anal. But what if they don't,

what if they don't want to do the thing that they've agreed that they don't want to do? You know? Like, isn't that compatible? What? They've agreed. You had too many

negatives in there sorry he took you down a huge level like you know what if their compatibility lies that they both you know for what reason or another think it's okay to do porn but outside of work they agree to sleep with only each other and if they come to that together that's definitely a compatibility yeah good point yeah if they're all agree if they both are happy with necessarily judgment or whatever it's just i'm not saying there's anything wrong with it i'm just saying it's it's an odd thing that you you don't have a boundary on someone fucking people on on camera but you do have a boundary with them doing it for pleasure on their own right with another person well because that might be emotional of what art is or

what right what porn is or what sex is it's it's understood when you're when you're not really about film right exactly porn is acting and athleticism athleticism is that what they're calling ass fucking these days you should i don't look like a spider monkey i'm a crazy person and you know and it's not comfortable it's it's not for you it's for the camera it's you know it's not comfortable. It's not for you. It's for the camera. And it's hard to do something that does not feel good and act like it feels good to you. You literally get fucked sideways. Sometimes it really fucking hurts. Do you ever stretch it out before shoots? Yeah, I do.

Butt plugs and stuff like that? Yeah. What is it? I don't need to. I have a huge butt. Right. My butthole is humongous. Oh, God.

Is it easy for you to poop? Is it easy for you to poop? Is it easy for you to poop faster? I never poop. Never? Can you just sit down and take care of it in three seconds? You just launch it out of there like spores coming off a mushroom. Like a dandelion. Yeah.

It's like a t-shirt launcher. You have to have an airtight toilet. She has to have an airtight toilet. She has to have an airtight toilet. She squeezes her legs together and covers her snatch with her hands so the shit doesn't blast out through the bottom of her legs. Oh, my God. She just blows out like a broken fire hydrant. I'm laughing, but I do not approve of this at all.

Just blam. She's just hanging on. She has to take a shower every time she shits. This is the back of her legs. Looks like she went skidding down a muddy hill. There's no containing her shit. Oh my god. Her asshole's like the Lincoln Tunnel.

It's a one-man roast of Dana DeArmond's asshole. It looks like the back of your shirt when it's raining outside and you're on your bike and the mud has skidded up the back of your shirt when it's raining outside and you're on your bike and the mud is skidded up the back of your shirt. You're so immature. I'm laughing because I'm disgusted, not because it's hilarious. I'm disgusting at myself as well. It's horrible. So, no, I never feel that way.

So, you're not into butt sex in real life? Yeah, I am. Are you good at sex in real life? I'm all right. Is it the same? I think I'm better on film yeah because i like to exaggerate my movement right why don't you do that in real life lazy bitch oh yeah are you very stationary are you like i i'm only on the top i'm like held down and like smush are you serious down into a tempur-pedic bed yeah well hey i uh a little bit yeah makes sense you're A little bit. Yeah, makes sense.

You're a big girl. Not really. Fuck off. It does. It makes sense. Naturally, genetically, you need a strong man to turn you on. More like being restrained. You want to feel that if this guy wanted to take it, he could take it.

Sure. That's what it is. It's natural. You're a big girl. Not bad. Not in a bad way. You are a good specimen. If you wanted to make warrior children, you'd be a good a good specimen i would warrior children with flexible buttholes you'd be you have

the perfect dna for it yes is it hard to to be to date people as a porn star do you find or is it like more of a challenge do you think it depends on the person i dated a guy a couple years ago and when we met like he knew what i did and stuff like that and i did not want to be involved with him and then we started sleeping together after a really long time we kind of like warmed me down a little bit and then after it was like kind of fucked up it was we weren't off to a good start i'll admit but you know i get bored too um so after we had like started dating or fucking fucking and dating he then like looked at porn that i was in and decided that he wanted to be a spaz about it and be like i don't know like knowing you do those types of things i

don't know and i'm like yeah you already things, I don't know. And I'm like, yeah, you already knew, but now you want to be bothered because you're a drama queen. That has nothing to do with what I do. It's just that this person's a drama queen. Feelings were also starting now. Before it was like zero feelings, I just want to fuck you. Now it's starting to cut, like love gets involved. I think that's probably a natural.

Part of the whole process of wearing me down is like, I don't judge you. I think it's starting to cut like love gets involved you know i think that's probably a natural the whole process of wearing me down is like i don't judge you like i think it's no it's fine it's like really great because you're really successful and then i just kind of like kind of nose dived into like this uh you do those things i think for a lot of men it's very important when they meet a girl that they're sexually attracted to they want that girl to like them and i think that is the root of a lot of bullshit and the guys don't even realize they're doing it it's a genetic thing it's a a predisposition to wanting to be sexually attractive and so they start pretending to be someone who they're not and then they get

into the relationship and then it's a couple months in and they're relaxed and comfortable and they're like why am i with this crazy bitch i don't even i'm not even into this and yeah yeah it's like there's there's a lot of dudes that are just trying to put it together. Like they don't have the luxury of like actually being honest and trying to like meet someone that they actually like. They're so caught up in the game of trying to fuck a chick and it's so difficult for them that when they finally get one, they tackle her, they get it in there. Yeah. They're like, got one. Good.

Okay. What did I pretend to be doing to do this? I'm not a fucking vegan. I want a steak. one. Good. Okay. What did I pretend to be doing to do this? I'm not a fucking vegan. I want a steak. Shit. Oh, that's a tough one. You start wearing yoga beads and stuff. Oh, cook shells.

You know, they meet a girl that's willing to fuck them like once every couple months and they got to work hard to take it down. Keep it going. Yeah. Keep it going. So they pretend to be someone they're not. I don't know. It's like spinning plates.

It's just sex. What's the big deal? Each plate is a different lie. What we do together is love. That's just a movie you're making. Right. Oh, yeah. That same drama guy, he was like, I was like being really depressed or something like that.

And he wanted to lay it on me like, you can't live inside your own pain. And I love you. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. I was like you're creeping me out, you're being weird, I don't know where you heard that shit. Get the fuck out of my house. You heard that. Cause there is something you would hear. There's something you think of. That's nonsense. Yeah I was like you're full of shit. Get out. Never come back. That is the worst. Delete my phone number. The most sexually unattractive thing ever is someone who's full of shit. Yuck. So gross. It's just so gross.

People are full of shit. Like, oh, God. It's such a bummer, you know, when you hear someone say some nonsense. And then you have to mock them. And then they get mad at you for mocking them. And then it all fucking falls apart. Oh. Oh, I used to date this girl who used to write poetry. And it was nonsense. Oh, it was i mean it was her form of expression but it was so clearly

affected and fake and just designed to like yeah fucking fire off all the rights and it was just so artificial so clear so clear that it was just a bullshit that she was slinging. It was so offensive. Are you a poetry snob, though? Or do you like just high-quality poetry? I love Bukowski. You know what I love about Bukowski? I mean, a lot of his stories are really dark.

He's a little poet. But that's a fuck what that guy's thinking about, for real. That is his real life. That's what he's thinking. That's all I require of an artist. What inflames me is when I think someone is trying to pretend to be someone else, whether it's a human or a singer or a comedian or an actor. I feel like you're bullshitting me.

I feel like you're bullshitting me. It's offensive. You're treating me like you're a fucking crazy poetry hooker. It's insulting to your intelligence. You're mad at me that I'm laughing at this nonsense? Tell us a horror story from doing porn. What's one thing that sticks out, just awful experience? Did you ever say, okay, never again?

I used to do a lot of BDSM stuff where I was a sub. Okay, explain that to everybody who's not crazy. That's so mean. BDSM? Most people don't have any idea what that means uh bonded well it's like sadomasochism sadomasochism s and m is sadomasochism and when you say a sub you are the one that they torture submissive and dominant right so it's bondage and dominatrix you know some shit like that yeah it's like a code I don't know whatever right it's like being in the army

yeah when we talk about IEDs ROTC yeah it's like being in ROTC it's all extreme things we try to invent little shortenings of them

oh yeah so um yeah I would be like electrocuted and tied up in bondage oh wow and like

you know electrocute where your nipples everywhere nipples like you know hit with different where your nipples everywhere nipples like in your body with like pads my pussy inside inside my butthole oh my god like while in like very strict bondage and stuff like that oh my god whoa whoa whoa very challenging you know and it was something that i was really legitimately interested in when i was in my early 20s and it's something that I thought that maybe, you know, so I consider myself to be a kind of a tough person.

And I felt like if I met these challenges, it would prove how tough I was. God damn. Yeah. I don't know. You got electrocuted inside your butthole. What percentage of the population has ever been electrocuted inside their butthole?

I don't know. You're one of the few. I mean, they produce like the tens units. And I mean, they're sold like as medical equipment and stuff like that. I'm sure a fair amount of people have gotten their hands on them. You know, so. And so when you get your hands on some medical equipment, what's the first thing you do? You say, well, let me stick this thing in my ass.

Well, there's. Turn this bitch on and see what's up. What was that? Nine volt battery on your asshole? Well, there's people that are into sounding and stuff. They put a pitchfork in your urethra. Right when you're about to cum, stick that nine volt up your ass. Oh, shit!

Be like Iron Man loads. I don't think it works that way, Joe. You don't know, though. Oh, I think I do. It makes modem sounds. Yeah, but penis, it might make the guy shoot water loads if you electrocute his butthole i think i've had more experience with more penises than you i assume whoa whoa whoa you don't know that there's no i assume i'm more than willing to

to submit to you on this yes i'm alphaing the entire room No me So how long did this whole session take Were they electrocuting your vagina And your asshole Oh man It was a first site called wiredpussy.com Wired pussy So it's all electrocuting pussies It's like female on female

Sub dom And they electrocute each other's pussies. Yeah, and they play games like who can take the most electricity or they'll chase blindfolded and partially tied up women around with a cattle prod that makes noise. And you could either go toward it or away from the sound. But if you go away from the sound. Just when I thought I reached the bottom of the darkness.

Yeah, no. That's like just the surface. That's where I started Have you ever had your pee hole fucked? No You've seen that, we've talked about this before There's videos out there of guys fucking girls' pee holes

And it stretches just like your asshole I can't, no I'm very sensitive in my whole vagina area Don't say never You gotta reach goals you gotta you gotta that one doesn't work

god Brian like modifying my body I went through a phase of like piercing and stuff like that when I was younger don't you have some tattoo above the cookie

I do but I'm having it removed and that is so fucking painful is it really it's worse than any like butthole electrocution I've ever gotten really

to get laser tattoo removal is so painful it like agitates the ink molecule in your skin electrocution I've ever gotten. Really? To get laser tattoo removal is so painful. It agitates the ink molecule in your skin and makes it explode with each treatment. It gets smaller and smaller and it metabolizes out of your body.

So you have to wait a couple months in between sessions just like long enough that you could forget how much fucking pain you are in. You have to go and do it again fuck that i'm just keeping waterfalls i'm just keeping i got an old tattoo on my shoulder that i want to stamp yeah yeah it's around my belly i got a sleeve that i'm doing on my right arm and i have an old tattoo up here that i have to get removed you gotta cover it off just just get

black really big black box but it's just black tattooing. How much worse is it than the actual tattooing? It's so much worse because you have to go like 20 times. Really? Mine's old. It's like a very... You could feel the impact of the laser going into your skin. It feels like being snapped with a rubber band really hard. It instantly burns and it makes your skin swell up.

And when you get a tattoo, it kind of scratches the surface of your skin. When you get lasered, it's affecting the color inside your skin. So the blood kind of seeps out like a sponge. I'm going to wait 10 years. I'm going to wait for the technology to get a little bit better. You just turned me the fuck off to that laser tattoo removal. Don't do it. I'm thinking about cooking my arm like that.

I'm like, what am I doing to my arm? You could damage your skin, right? No, I mean, it's safe. It doesn't scar. It doesn't? No. I mean, that's the purpose of it being such a long, slow process. I mean, you could just cut it off if you wanted to.

But I wouldn't say that that's the best idea ever. So let me ask you this. If WiredPussy.com calls you up next week and says, hey, we're looking to do a shoot, are you done with that? Yeah. I would top. I've gone back to be the dom into Torture Girls. The dominant one to Torture Girls. Because I feel like I can confidently say I know what I'm doing and I wouldn't do something to somebody else that I haven't done to myself.

Yeah, but look at what you've done to yourself. Because I know what it feels like. I know. And if they're not a badass bitch like me, then they don't get to fuck me. Would you ever do fart porn? Yeah. I fart all the time in my movies. You fart in your movies?

It's just like when you get fucked in the ass, like your butt is open and gaping is like the big thing where they want to see your lower colon. They want to see it all in HD, Blu-ray, 3D. Jesus. Fuck yeah. I don't know why people like it. They just do. And I, you know, people like it they just do

and just whatever so the air goes into your chasm and then you have to kind of fart it out it's not like I fart I'm eating a can of beans like a hobo and then I'm going to light my farts on fire have you accidentally ever sprayed? no

I've accidentally peed on people at work and then be like I'm squirting or whatever. And I don't know. What is squirting exactly? Is it really? When in the movies where a girl is like shooting, obviously you can see it coming out of her pee hole. I'm assuming that a lot of people that watch these movies don't know what a vagina looks like or anything. And they don't know where all the liquid shooting out of the girl's vagina area

or her love zone or whatever nerds call it. But isn't a pee hole... Hey. But hold on a second. Because that's where it would come out anyway. Because isn't a pee hole like literally when a woman gets testosterone treatment and becomes a man, her clit grows to become like a small penis. Pussy bone.

And the penis is obviously where any sexual ejaculate would come out of. So of course it's going to come out of where you pee. I don't really know. What is it? Is it real? I mean, this is like Bigfoot. I mean, I used to date a girl that fucking juiced on me and it was like in my belly button like a puddle and it wasn't pee though.

It was just, it was like a broth. Because there's like, yeah, there's like, you know, when the woman's vagina gets moist, it's not dripping out of her pee hole. It's coming from inside. I don't think this is moistening. It's not lubricant. That's what squirting is supposed to be. And when you see it coming out of the pee hole, it's pee.

Whoa. Yeah, but I think that it was supposed to come out of the vagina and a lot of times when you see like this spider-man like trick that they do when they like finger the pussy and they like press like on the outside

spider-man so you do the fingers like when spider-man is shooting his web yeah this is like the Axel Braun method I watched instructional videos

and I was like what are they doing and they're basically just like pushing on the bladder and just forcing pee to come out jesus christ what yeah and then just pissing all over each other exactly what it is like if you had to force

pee out of somebody that's exactly how you would do it so that's what all that spraying is so there is yeah so girls are spraying on dudes they're pissing all over them yeah unless they have like an extra juicy g spot or something like that like i'm not going to say like i'm not going to say female ejaculation is a myth because i'm not a doctor and i can't say that i mean and you know pussies get wet and some pussies are wetter than others yeah we're talking to an expert here dana dear i'm on here live on the not a doctor not a doctor call in now can you put can you put a condom on a dick with just putting it in your mouth and doing that trick I know

I cannot even remember the last time I used a condom god damn do you ever worry about diseases no I get tested every three weeks

yeah so how do you keep clean when you're because everybody gets tested every three weeks right then you have

three weeks for a porn star though Jesus Christ how many you don't do like sorry dicks can you be exposed to in three weeks well a porn star, though. Jesus Christ. How many? You don't do like sorry dicks. Can you be exposed to? Well, like I work with Mark Wood twice last week.

So it's like the same same wiener. Same same wiener. Same week. You guys develop like a relationship when you have like. Oh, yeah. On screen. Yeah. I mean, I think the people I work with are cool.

It's not like I'm like, oh like ooh I'm so super corny for you Let's do things after this He's married to Francesca Le They're fucking awesome and I know both of them I've worked with both of them How many of the dudes that are in porn wanted to do mainstream things But couldn't make it and have like some sort of a weird Thing where they

I don't know It seems to be like a lot of guys are musicians And they're all like trying to get together like a band with all the other dudes slinging dick yeah that's what they should call it that'd be a badass name for a band yeah slinging dick um slinging dick i mean i don't maybe i'm a i don't know maybe i'm just like oh i'm at work i'm doing my work things but i don't really ask people too much about their personal have you Have you ever worked with Tyler Knight? Yeah. Tyler's a very good friend of mine.

We were actually just both on Star Trek The Next Generation. Oh, really? A triple X parody. Digital Sin. Nice. And Revolution X. Coming soon. And that was like a big dream for you. And he was Geordie.

Yeah. And I was. She's a huge Star Trek fan. I'm a nerd. I was stoked. I called my dad and I was like, I'm reading for the part of Ensign Rowe for the Star Trek parody. And he was like, that's so cool. And I was like, no, dad, if I don't get this part, I'll stoked. I called my dad and I was like, I'm reading for the part of Ensign Roe for the Star Trek parody. And he was like, that's so cool.

And I was like, no, dad, if I don't get this part, I'll die. Like super seriously, like, no, I need, this has to be my part or I'm freaking out. Tyler is a friend of mine from jujitsu and he's a really good writer. Have you ever read any of his stuff? No. He's got a blog online.

He's smart. He's very smart. He's such a cool he's got a blog online and he's smart he's very smart he's such a cool guy and he's smart and he's very polite yeah he's very well spoken he was on the podcast we had him on and he's a very he's a fascinating dude but i already knew that from talking to him at jujitsu and stuff but his writing is great really interesting stuff and his writing is about the porn business he's got this one story that he wrote about a gang bang that it's just like you fucking feel the loads on the floor. Yeah. Like as you're reading it,

you feel like the sticky room, you feel the heat of all these guys behind him. He does a masterful job of describing this fucking incredibly Donzo bizarre film that they're doing there. They, I mean, you would get paid 50 bucks and you wait in line. You're like one of 100 guys waiting to,

and you're jerking yourself off as you're getting up to this girl who's just covered in loads. There's loads all over the ground. Everywhere you walk, there's loads. It's just like slippery and wet. You're stepping in guys' loads. Everywhere you go. I've never done one of those.

There's these little signs that say slippery when wet that they have to put up around the woman. You know, like at a restaurant. That would be awesome. Who was the first person to do that? Was it Houston? Was she the first? Little signs that say slippery when wet that they have to put up around the woman. You know, like at a restaurant. That would be awesome. Who was the first person to do that? Was it Houston? Was she the first?

Or were there other ones before her? It was probably before I was born. Because the numbers just keep going up. You know, at one point in time, it was like the most people. Some Asian woman, I think. She had sex with like 200. Sex. Annabella Chong.

And she's got a fascinating documentary. And like you, she's very intelligent. She's very unusual. I think she was a student at UCLA. I might be wrong. UCLA or USC. But she's an intelligent person. And she just had this weird desire to test the boundaries of her acceptable sexuality by doing a gangbang film.

But it was really interesting. Because they really got into her psychology and who she is. I'm like, this is a complex sort of a fucking case where this woman wants to experience the ultimate taboo. It's kind of weird. My agent called me one time and he was like, what's the most number of cocks you'll suck in one time? And I was like, I don't fucking care, you know?

And he was like, you know, how about 11? And I was like, fine. What difference does it make if I fuck 11 dudes in the same day or in pairs of ones, twos, and threes on five different days? Well, I would just imagine that after the third or fourth giant black cock, your

lips would start to get numb. In your head, though, is 11 cock days. Because you're fucking the same amount of time. When you stretch your mouth, that shit would, that seems like it would make your lips numb after a while.

You got a huge mouth. I do have a huge mouth. It's good for my career. Comes in handy. Now, did you know that you wanted to be a porn star when you were younger? Is this something?

No. I did, I actually did part of this as a bit of with the midnight show guys they did this is your life bob guccioni this is the midnight show guys what is yeah ucb okay you know how how redneck and stuff and uh i i was like oh this is your life bob guccioni and and i come out and i'm like, I've been such a big fan of you for forever and stuff. Because when I was like in the first grade, probably six years old, I found a stack of Playboy magazines that were.

In the woods? No, they were my uncle's. My uncle stayed with us part time. No, they were just out. They were just like out in his room. And I remember I took one of those magazines to school to first grade and i was like sure this is what a naked lady looks like you know i was like such a boy i was such a tomboy when i was that age but i but even then i was like this is like what a sexy lady looks like and And I want to grow up and this is,

you know, I want to turn out like this, a sexy lady. Like that's kind of like that appealed to me. I thought, wow, she's, she's gorgeous.

She's all made up. She's, you know, pretty and naked and thin, nice boobs, you know? And I was like, yeah,

that like really appealed to me. Were you attracted to girls before you started doing movies? Yeah. And I, and I also thought like if I'm, if I don really appealed to me. Were you attracted to girls before you started doing movies? Yeah. And I also thought if I don't turn out to be this, I had a fail safe in my brain. I was like, if I don't turn out to be a sexy lady, I would at least want to be with one. Have one as my girlfriend or just be in the presence of that

because it was appealing to me. And I found it attractive. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a big gay. I came on your show because I want to say that I'm out. I have a big pussy boner. And I have a pussy boner.

And I take it as. So how did you get into your first film? How did it come about? How old were you? How long have you been doing this? Shoot. Seven years. Seven years. I was 24 when I got in.

I'll be 32 in June. And what were you doing before that? I was a stripper. I was a drunk stripper, too. The best kind. And how did someone approach you and say, I like the way you dance? No, absolutely not. No, I actually quit drinking.

I think I already told this story on your show, maybe. I quit drinking, and I got fired from being a stripper and I had been thinking about applying to this porn site because it had fucking machines on it. And this is how I got into the business. Fucking machines? Just of sheer like morbid curiosity

of fucking a robot and just really thinking about it. And I used to like masturbate in the shower and like think about fucking a robot. I heard it's awful, by the way. What was your experience like fucking a machine? I had a lot of fun. Really?

Brian's talked to girls that fuck robots. I actually talked about it today. No joke. Really? This comes up all the time for Brian. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. You just have that face

that people feel like they can approach you and talk about fucking robots. He seems like the kind of guy at the end of it. You're really kind of into nerdy things. Just have one of those faces. So, yeah, I just ended up applying to that site. And that's how I got to do all the bondage stuff is because it's the same company. It ran Hogtied and Wired Pussy and all these holes.

Goddamn. And they even have a female wrestling site, Ultimate Surrender, where they have women wrestling. So they've got the market cornered on kinky pain shit. Yeah, absolutely. Wow. What a weird business. That's huge. They bought the armory up in San Francisco.

It's basically a castle. You know what? I saw that online, or on a television show, rather. There was some sort of an expose on it about how much money they make and how big their business is. Huge.

Enormous. But they also, they really improve that that neighborhood they give back to their community they do a lot of stuff um you know they they open their uh drill court to uh you know when they have parades and shit like people can set up their floats they open their their private business to the community to do things or have swap meets inside there it's not like it's like a crazy jungle of naked people running around and like fucking right like doing things in studios there's people in offices like on computers san francisco is a place where that would be accepted san francisco's in my opinion it's the most open-minded city in in the whole country you'd

be surprised they were in the wall street journal talking about like people are there are people we know there's people fucking in there and what doesn't matter there's always going to be some people like that you have kids your neighbors have kids where do you think their neighbors came from the amount of people that would support it would be much larger in san francisco than anywhere else of course you're always going to come across people that are very vocal that want to fight something but all in all san francisco is the most open-minded city i think in the whole country we should do a study on that i mean i could you imagine that happening in chicago where there's a whole block filled with you know people that are tying people up and fucking them with rubber

robots and shit you know that could only take place in like san francisco yeah i don't think there's any other place that could that would accept something like new york maybe i mean it seems like new york has a lot of fucking of the bondage clubs. New York and L.A. would be the only other options, I think. And I think they'd be met with a lot more resistance in New York or L.A. Also, like, Europe. Yeah, of course. Anywhere.

Berlin, Budapest. I was in Berlin, and I turned on the television. No, not Berlin. Oberhausen? Oberhausen. And I turned on the television, and there was a gangbang on TV just a full on gangbang there's just

no warning just flipping through the channels and the yeah there's 10 people fucking in a room I'm like wow this is wild like they have a totally

different attitude about it they just show this shit on television it's pretty intense what are you doing there Brian I was just looked at the basis for Alice in Chains died

what when of what Mike Starr. I don't know him. So you don't care? Yeah. Fuck him.

Fuck him. He was on Celebrity Rehab. I don't know if you remember him. The OD? Charlie Sheen. Yeah, it looks like they found his body in Salt Lake City.

Charlie Sheen lives, winning, still alive. Barely. He doesn't have tiger blood. I don't know. He doesn't have Adonis dna he's not a freaking rock star from mars well i guess that guy probably didn't have to pay girls thirty thousand dollars to have sex with him either he's probably has he's got a lot of money shit i don't know things happen he's a rock star the crazy thing is charlie so not like

a doughy like slippery sweaty guy with five kids. Because that's what I see when I see Charlie Sheen. I would rather fuck a rock star than somebody who has fucking five kids. Well, the crazy thing is that Charlie Sheen calls himself a rock star, but he's on this really family sitcom. I forgot that he wasn't dead for the longest. He's on this complete family sitcom. I mean, it's like this really bland, you know, kind of... It's no edge to it. It's like really vanilla, you know i mean it's like this really bland you know kind of wonk you know it's no

edge to it the it's like really vanilla you know it's and then yeah it's the number one comedy for some reason i talked to my friend today he watches it every week and i'm like really you watch that show there's like a fat kid charlie sheen and like a gay guy yeah yeah but he's like well it's like it's the exact same show every week you know it's like the same premise every week but he's like it's it's it's one of those shows you can just kind of watch. And it's easy to watch. It's smooth enough. It's smooth.

And it's funny enough. Well, you know what, man? Reality television has proven that you don't really need to be that funny to get people to watch it. It needs to become a part of their everyday existence. They get like, let's see what's going on in Ice Road Truckers. Shit, the boys are on a slippery road again. Again. I mean, Ice Road Truckers.

There's a show about slippery roads. I mean, if that can exist, you can have a show about anything. And a sitcom that's like been around for a while, it's fairly decent, it's got a few good laughs in it. But I bet for Charlie Sheen, it's like he's smoking coke and banging whores, and then he's going and doing this super bland television show. I bet that built up inside of him. I bet that like made him go more over the edge.

Well, his character was pretty much himself, though, in that show. I mean, it might have been a vanilla show, but he still was a drunk guy that just fucked a bunch of chicks. I mean, it was like it wasn't he wasn't really off his road a little. No, no, no, sure. He was, what? Can he act? Fuck yeah, he can. Did you ever see Platoon?

Did you ever see Wall Street? Charlie Sheen can act his fucking ass off. I didn't see either of those. Listen, Charlie Sheen was a bad motherfucker when he was a young man. I've seen Ferris Bueller stay off. He's not in that, does he? Yeah, he's in The Office,

and he's like, Oh, yeah. He's like the really hot guy that's in trouble, and the girl's there with him. Yeah, Jennifer Grey. She's in trouble and the girl's there with him yeah she's original nose she's all excited about him yeah what was the movie that charlie should have kept that nose right yeah that wasn't a bad nose just that's your nose hooker what was the movie that charlie shots he was in scary part two three or four what was the movie that he charlie playing uh sheen played himself but it played like him like he was friends with the main character.

I think you're thinking of John Malkovich. Yes, John Malkovich. That was an awesome cameo with him in it. Do you remember that? No, hardly. But as far as I can tell, he plays himself, I think. Yeah.

I don't know. Charlie Sheen, you see Platoon, he's a bad motherfucker. I haven't seen that. You see Wall Street. Is that bad? It's very good. I must be before my time.

It's all fucking good. You know what holds up, dude? What? Silence of the Lambs. Holds the fuck up, dude? What? Silence of the Lambs. Holds the fuck up. Yeah. I watched Silence of the Lambs the other night. It's a good goddamn movie.

Still. It still holds up. Put that fucking lotion in the basket. Yeah, it's good, man. It's well written. It's well acted. She was a bad girl. Dude, fucking Anthony Hopkins was a bad motherfucker in that movie.

Still. He's scary. You know he's become like this guy that does these movies that suck. He played the Wolfman's dad. You know what I mean? The Wolfman dad. He's possessed by a demon in every movie. Every single movie. You didn't see the Wolfman, did you? No, but he was also in Super Mario Brothers,

wasn't he? He was in something fucking retarded. Even in the Wolfman, which is a terrible movie, he still has these scenes, these moments where he's just this bad motherfucker he just he's just doing crappy ass movies but you go back to silence of the lambs and you realize what he's capable of if he gets a good script if he gets a good part anthony hopkins just smashes it out of the ballpark in that movie fucking smashes it dude he's so on like it crackles

like it makes you nervous for her while she's talking to him like you fucking believe a hundred percent that dude has murder in his mind when he's talking and he's talking to her anthony copkins is fucking thinking about eating her he's thinking about cutting out he's allowing himself to go to some crazy dark place where he's acting where you can tell like that's really what he's fucking thinking about, man. He could turn it on. He can go to that dark, crazy, psychotic, worst-case scenario human example. He can go there in his mind. That's the difference, man.

Just like comedy, man. It's like you have to really be fucking thinking about what you're saying. There's not just the words and the noises that represent certain things to me. I got to know that you're thinking about these things as you're saying them. That's the difference between a great performance and a performance that's just kind of mediocre and can trick dummies. If someone's

really nailing it. I told a 22 year old actor that just got here from LA I was like, acting is just pretending like you don't know what you're gonna say next and he got so offended and he ended up moving back to Tennessee. Fuck you. Can't take the heat there, the kitchen, bitch. Listen, if that's all that set this fucking kid off,

let some porn star tell him that acting is fake. I've always said that if you can lie, you can act. And if you can lie to a crazy girlfriend, you can act under pressure. It's not that hard. It's just pretending. The hard thing is auditions. Auditions are way harder because you have to pretend that it's happening

when you're in this really unrealistic scenario. You're sitting in this office and there's people in desks, chairs and they're facing you with paper in their hand. They're reading off the paper

and you're responding like it's real. You're like, this is just too strange. It doesn't ring real to me. I don't really do well in those types of scenarios. Have you done any 3D movies for real yet?

Yeah, I just did three penthouse movies. And how do they differ from doing regular movies? Do they make you do weird angles? Like you have to spread your lips out towards the cameras? Like when you disrobe or something, you sort of throw your clothes toward the camera or kind of put one leg off the bed, kind of dangling toward the camera or put one leg off the bed, kind of dangling toward the camera or something.

What about when guys shoot loads? Do they shoot them at the camera? I don't really notice. I'm kind of in the zone during that part of the filming. If you don't have a pillow behind you, you don't want to smash your head on the headboard. The camera has to be like eight feet away for the 3D effect to work. And so you've got to like...

Clearly, you've never seen my loads. You're very far away. You've never seen the distance I can get. Very, very far away. What is it about some dudes? What do some dudes eat, like Peter North? What does that guy eat to make so much sperm? It's ridiculous.

Zinc supplements. Is that what it is? Zinc. I've got to remember this. My ex-boyfriend told me also PC exercises. PC? The muscle that you use to stop your pee. Oh, right.

You know, like a Kegel, like a woman has a Kegel muscle. The PC muscle is what guys have, I guess. Apparently, if you just do that a lot, it can strengthen the muscle and you'll shoot further. Really? Yeah. Doing it right now. I'm going to practice it. Some people just drink egg whites.

I'm exercising it right now. Egg whites? Yeah. They think if it looks like loads loads will come out more I've seen people do it that's some wives tales type shit yeah that's probably

it's fiberglass it's probably psychological man it's probably some placebo effect right it's like the secret but with loads yes the secret

put it on your vision board huge loads you believe I'm going to shoot the longest load ever who do you think is the furthest anyone's ever shoot a load

because I remember hitting myself in the face once when I was 16 and being shocked oh yeah when i pulled out and you know my my looking and it blasts me right in the face i still do that i make it rain all the time like i'm fucking why is this squirting on my forehead yeah sometimes i go really far like what's the furthest you think anybody's ever shot a load spider-Man What is the furthest Is it even five feet Probably more right I would say so It depends if you have an arc

It also depends on What the temperature's like If there's a headwind Yeah yeah It's like Tiger Woods golf Depends on how long your dick is Cause a guy like You know some giant dick

John Holmes type dude Would have a massive advantage Yeah He's got a six inch reach advantage It's like John Jones But maybe He's got long arms It loses some pressure

Going through That long of a dick Dude I like the way You think of it scientifically Yeah I like that advantage it's like John Jones but maybe it loses some pressure going through that long dude I like what you think scientifically I like my but maybe a shorter barrel you got a lot makes sense right like a 38 special but it seems like a rifle would be much more accurate right yeah here's a little tip by the way if you put a little bit of green like st. Paddy's Day you know be dick st. Paddy's Day this is awesome st. Pad dick. St. Paddy's Day, this is awesome. St. Paddy's Day, put a little bit of green food coloring around your dick before you have sex, and when you shoot out, it actually is green.

Yeah, that's good. And what if you make a baby, and it fucking looks like the Hulk? A green baby, because that could happen. Stupid asshole. What if you ruin the baby? What if it gets in the spermatozoa, and the spermatozoa gets some crazy green signal and shoots it into the egg, and somehow the kid becomes green? That would be fucking awesome.

I wonder if it's ever happened before. I mean, I mean, if any, not that, but I mean, if anybody's ever like done something where like the kid came out

of funky color because of that. Yeah. Like I know. I'm sure that people have probably been tricked to think that. Probably. Like maybe a white woman

having a half black baby and was like, oh, it's a recessive gene. Right, honey. Back in the old days, right? Look, that's the story of Jesus. Right. I mean, a half black baby and was like ah it's a recessive gene right right honey back in the old days right look that's the story

of Jesus right I mean the story of Jesus most likely is it marries a whore right that's the story of Jesus

right immaculate conception right come on bitch what kind of crazy shit is this but back then in the biblical days

you just had to accept it maybe she was raped by one of those strong men maybe she wanted it she cried rape yeah she was raped by one of those strong men. Maybe she wanted it. Pride rape. Yeah, she was dressing like that. With her fucking robes.

I see your ankles, bitch. I bet she had a dirty ass, too. And back then, you only lived to be like 30. You had to get your rapings in while you could. Oh my gosh, this is horrible. You guys. Listen, you've had an electric charge inside your asshole. This is horrible

it was consensual so is this conversation yeah we've all agreed to be here so these people have agreed to tune in and I know 2,360 of them right now

are regretting their choice oh you guys it's cool no it is cool that's a lot of people it's actually 26 well it's going to be a lot more than that

I forgot anyone was watching this right now you've done other podcasts before right you've done Sam Tripoli did you do Marinaren's too? Death Squad, yeah. Did Maren. I just did the Nerdist podcast.

What's fascinating about you is as far as girls that are in your business, you're much more known for your personality than any of the other ones. Thanks. And I think a lot of it is those videos that you do. Yeah, probably. Like the Adam Sandler video where you're breaking things down. Yeah, what else do you do? You have a mailbag where you read people's emails yeah when myspace when

i when myspace was before it was like just a spam graveyard i would get like this really super heinous hate mail that was so just so many different levels of wrong and rude and misspelled and english and english yeah just like really mean like, I hope you get fucking cancer in your brain and die of AIDS because you're a whore and you should accept Jesus in your life. And I'm just like, that makes no sense. Yeah, right.

Jesus Christ would not fucking waste his time to wish me dead of AIDS and cancer. Like, get with it, man. Yeah, Jesus Christ would try to help you out, you fuck. Yeah. Get Jesus in your life. How about you dude ignorance well there's a lot of that out there you know when you're allowed to be anonymous it's a very unnormal situation it's an unnatural situation in human behavior we're supposed to like we we get rewards and we get pleasure and we get all this from interacting with each other but when

you're interacting with each other completely anonymously through like wires and it's all ones and zeros you can take them down a peg and say something really mean dude i get that all day i get it every day on twitter there's always some douchey dude who says something and i just block them like i'm not i don't have time i'm not gonna argue with you it's not like we we can't spare followers you have 200 000 something i have 37 000 something i mean it's cool not even that i would rather have one that follows me that's nice that's it 280 million people wanted to be cunts i would stop being on twitter you know it's so rude it's it's fun though the the cool people way way way outnumber the shitheads yeah and like you get like really cool interact like last night

i i wrote on twitter that that charlie sheen was reminding reminding me of Hunter S. Thompson the way he's talking. And I said, we were right outside of Barstow when the drugs began to take hold. And then I got like hundreds and hundreds

of tweets of people quoting Hunter S. Thompson lines from the book. It was fucking great. It was really good. Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape? And they just kept coming

over and over again. I'm like, this is fucking awesome. Like this is like a really interesting thing to interact with like-minded people. There's a lot of smart people on the internet. Yes. I have a message board and I want you to be a part of it.

Because you would fit in like a fucking glove. It's a great message board and it's all psychos and weirdos. What's it called? You're a moderator now. It's on JoeRoga.net. I'll make you a moderator for sure. Oh, really? We need more women.

We only have a couple of women moderators. I've got to make sure that you can handle it at first. Yeah, you can't snap and go crazy. Yeah, you can't get in arguments with people. It's not worth it. But when people are douchebags, I send them to the retard room. I have two rooms. One is the main forum you can go to.

There's a combat sports forum for MMA stuff. And then there's a regular forum. And then there's a podcast forum regular forum and then there's a podcast forum and then there's special ed and special ed is if you're a douchebag if you act like a shit yeah you're stupid think about what you did yeah you want to insult people all the time for no reason get in the fucking tar bin dummy yeah but because of that we've like established a pattern and accepted like levels of communication Everybody's really cool there. It's a fascinating fucking shit. Yeah, and fascinating fucking shit comes out of there.

There's so many interesting... There's a story that I read on there the other day about these new fungi that they found in the Amazon rainforest that turns ants into zombies. Oh, yeah. It takes over the ant's brain. Ants are horrible anyway. Well, that's why they're there.

They're there to keep the ant population at bay. This fungus grows inside an ant's brain. Ants are horrible anyway. Well, that's why they're there. They're there to keep the ant population at bay. This fungus grows inside an ant's body, rewires it. Oh, and it drills into its head. It grows right out of its head.

It grows out of its head and eats its ant juice out of its little skeletal. And it also causes other ants to cannibalize. They cannibalize each other. And there's four different types of them.

And then when one bullet ant will find that this fungus has infected one of their own, they kill it and take it deep into the woods deep into the jungle yeah it's like they they know what the fuck is fascinating shit that's like on life narrated by oprah winfrey i think was it really i think that i think that was it was like the generic version of planet earth such a badass bitch i was watching i watched the oprah network it's fascinating to me. I watched it the other day.

I got a TV in my gym and I was working out in the gym. I was on elliptical and I was watching the Oprah Network and I was watching her. She was considering whether or not she should have Nadia Suleiman on her show. Whether they should help her. They decided to get someone to come on and help her financially. No one should help her ever.

It's interesting listening to Oprah. How she talks and how she thinks like you get behind that woman like she's like she really is all about reaching out and helping people be the best person they they can be and love like that's really what she's into like it's so easy to criticize her it's so like cliche she's on tv all the time. You know, it's like she's an easy target. But when you look at like what she does, like she is a bad motherfucker. Yeah. You know, Oprah is like, like everyone would hate the shit out of her if she wasn't like with the amount of money that she has.

If she was like being like Charlie Sheen is, people would be like, fuck you. You black ass bitch. Imagine Oprah. I got this bitch in rock star life. Can you imagine if she was talking about it in rock star life? That would be so cute. I'm like a freaking rock star from Mars. Hang out with my friends.

If anybody's a rock star from Mars, it's Oprah. You know? I mean, she has some man that's just like in the shadows and shuts his hole. That guy doesn't even talk unless spoken to. He's a lucky son of a bitch. Stedman sits around, waits. He waits three paces behind her, and he doesn't say shit unless spoken to Stedman sits around, waits He waits three paces behind her And he doesn't say shit unless she asks him a question

I bet Oprah has very big area loss I don't think they're even together anymore I don't think they are Did Gayle finally force it out? I think she's full Gayle That's the rumor, right? That's cool I mean, the Odin station has a bunch of gay friendly stuff on it

They had a great show the other day I was on the Oden station has a bunch of gay friendly stuff on it. They had a great show the other day. I was on the Oprah Network, and it was all about transsexuals. It was very eye-opening, man, to look into. Because I have a friend whose son is becoming a transsexual. His son is about to change from a man into a woman. And it's really strange because his son's about to change from a man to a woman, and his son is into girls still. So his son is becoming a lesbian. it's really strange because his son's about to change from a man to a woman and his son is like into girl still so his son is like becoming a lesbian very very bizarre and he's gonna go apparently i don't know if he's gonna go through the operation i don't know what

the entire full story is but they had this whole show dedicated to it and they had some kids i mean there was a boy that was like a little boy okay he looked like he was like seven or eight years old and he was wearing a dress and he wanted to be a girl you know he looked like he was like seven or eight years old and he was wearing a dress and he wanted to be a girl you know and i'm like whoa like you you know because the younger you start the more convincing you can be if you just avoid going through the whole male puberty thing you stand a chance of being a more convincing woman after your transition yeah maybe i mean if you can really be sure of your choice at that young an age but it's god you talk to the parents and it's like very convincing what they're saying it's not like it's so easy if you're a normal gender oriented

person i don't think anybody has that phase where you're like seven years old and you're like i'm transgendered it's not a phase it's not a fucking phase i i agree with you but who knows if it's a part of what's going on as you're young and then as your hormones kick in as you become 18 and 19, maybe say, no, I'm just a gay man. You know, maybe it's like that simple. Maybe you'll transition.

He likes women and he's just a straight man. Right, what I'm saying is, I mean, you can't, Just very ladyish. I don't think you should really necessarily be fucking with your hormones

until they settle in. I mean, I can understand someone being a grown adult and saying, okay, I want to be a woman. I've faked this long, too long. This is what I want to do. But when you're a child, shit shit i don't even know what the fuck i was gonna i mean could you

imagine if you had a straight dude you know like that's probably normal for straight dudes you know what you know if i turned out to be like a completely straight person i probably wouldn't have been like lusting over nudie magazines and like showing them to people and being like i think you have to account a little gay change like a little gay gay girl right when you're talking about children i think you have to account for a change you know i'm not saying you should completely disc you know discredit the idea that this is really a girl trapped in a boy's body but i'm saying you have to account for change like as far as like adding hormones to their body and stuff like that seems like a really radical choice and one of these kids was like 10 years old and they were giving them testosterone all sorts of crazy medicine in their kids and

they're just like whatever you know kitty prozac stuff like that you know which is another fascinating subject i mean it's better i think it was would be better if a child was like i know this about myself instead of like some going my kid is unreasonable like because they let the tv babysit it and then like pump your kid full of Ritalin because they're hyper. They're just maybe undisciplined. I have a next door neighbor that used to live down the street that was Ritalin up their kid and it was really sad. That's probably fucking your kid up more than listening to them when they try to identify

their sexuality or their gender. The kid was not a bad kid. The parents were terrible. They were terrible at parenting and the kid was lost and the kid always seemed to me like they just wanted someone to tell them what was up. Give them a hug. Tell them what was up. They're the two of the most lost kids ever because their parents were a fucking holy wreck.

They would yell at each other in public and it was just a disaster. And they started pilling their kids up. And it was like I was living next door to zombies. It was like, look at this. Like the zombie. These people have been taken over by spores. I mean, that those pills might as well be the fucking spores that jack those ants. It's the same thing.

It's a chemical thing that happens to a kid where it takes over their brain, rewires it, and makes them think and behave totally differently. And then all of a sudden these kids were like these little slack-jawed zombies. I was like, wow, they done neutered their fucking kids' brains. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy how easy it is to have that sort of that that sort of power to just do that to your kids I know to another person who I know his kid is not fucked up

And he's got his kid on some sort of riddle and shit because his kids too active because his kids fucking alive And they're older they didn't have the kid until they were like in their 50s They can't keep up at all so they have this fucking Chain them to the stove. Whatever. This kid is nothing wrong with this kid. I've talked to him. He's just a wild little motherfucker.

You know? And so what do they get? They got them all pilled up. It's like, all right. Good luck. What is, how many generations have we had of people that were pilled up like this though? Oh, forever. No, I don't think so.

With social engineering, I mean, Prozac came into mind when I was, I believe when I was in high school was the first time I ever heard of Prozac. But then before that, it was like institutionalizing people and lobotomizing people and shock therapy like Blue Iris. Right. You know, she was never normal after that. But it's never reached the extent that it is today. What did Blue Iris get?

She had electroshock therapy repeatedly. Oh, wow. Didn't know that. And she was like fucked up. Tried to cure her of porn. Yeah. A lot of people don't know who Blue Iris is. She's on the Howard Stern show a lot. She's an old school porn star. Is that what she is? Yeah that and she was like fucked up tried to cure her of porn yeah a lot of people don't know who Blue Iris is she's on the Howard Stern show a lot

she's an old school porn star is that what she is yeah and she passed away she passed away yeah yeah but there's a difference between the few people that are so completely

out of control that need to be institutionalized to people that don't like their job so they give you a pill so you don't feel like shit at the end of the day every day

because there's a lot of people that are just doing that they're physically not healthy their diet sucks they don't exercise and they do the end of the day every day. Because there's a lot of people that are just doing that. They're physically not healthy. Their diet sucks. They don't exercise. And they do a job that sucks. And they wonder why they feel depressed at the end of the day. I mean, it's real simple.

You don't need Prozac. You need a new fucking life. I mean, that's what you need to do. You need to figure out what the fuck you really want to do and realize that you're only here for X amount of years. So the more time you spend not moving in the direction of your actual interest, the more you're going to fucking hate yourself.

You're going to be depressed. It's just natural. But they don't say that. They give you some fucking pills. There's a lot of people that need pills. I'm a motivational speaker. Shit.

Totally. Tony Robbins over here. Take over from fucking Charlie Sheen. That's why I joined our cult, Dana. Oh. You want to be in? Is this my orientation?

You want to be in? You can totally be in our cult. I thought that it might be something like that. That wasn't water you've been drinking. Oh, whoops. We need funny chicks, and you're totally invited.

If you want to be in, you can be in our cult at any time. Definitely. Our cult is, all you have to do is just don't be a douchebag. It's so simple. I try. I don't know. I'm kind of a douchebag sometimes. Well, you are a little, but it's natural.

Look at what you do. Look at how many people are yelling at you. Look at how many people point at you and sending you shitty emails all day. It's natural to be on the defensive and start fucking with Jennifer Aniston. I know. She's so harmless. She's so harmless. She's so harmless.

And I think it's so funny because Chelsea Handler was like, Angelina Jolie is a cunt because she's friends with Jennifer Aniston. Oh, really? And I was like, oh, look at Chelsea Handler sticking up for Jennifer Aniston. I've known Chelsea forever. Oh, my God. I've known Chelsea forever. Oh, my God. I think it's so funny. I've known Chelsea since the early days of, I wrote one of the reviews of her book.

Her first book was My Horizontal Life. Yeah. She's a, I love party girls. Yeah. To me, I think. She loves a party. It takes every kind of people like that song. Takes every kind of people.

When are you going to get her on the podcast? We need to get her. She's probably way too busy. I wouldn't even ask her. She's got a sitcom going on. She's got some sort of a reality show going on about her show. And then she's got her show. She's way too busy. She's super ambitious. Do you really need a show about a show that's already a show? Really?

Yeah, that's Larry Sanders' show, but she's got a show. That's so messed up. Why not? Fuck it. She's got interesting people behind the scenes. She wants to showcase. Including our friend, our really good friend, Eva. She's on that show. Eva from Denver. Yeah.

She used to work at the Comedy Works. She's our assistant, I think. Oh, yeah. Eva's the best. I love that chick. I haven't talked to her in forever. She was this really cool chick that worked for the Denver Comedy Works. She was super on the ball and super friendly.

She used to take us to media. One of the nicest people ever. And then became friends with Chelsea. She was such a diamond that it was just waiting for someone to come along and scoop her up like i told her like if she moved to la i would give her a job as an assistant i'm like you're the coolest chick ever like i've never even thought about having an assistant because it seems so preposterous that you really you can't what the fuck you got a business manager you also need assessment you could go get me a latte you know like get out of here that's

ridiculous but for her i would do it just to give her a job. That's why you have kids. You can convince them to do things for you. Yeah, get a two-year-old to get you a latte. Watch what happens.

Go to the fridge and get me. They'll come back screaming and covered in burns. Two-year-olds get two-year-olds. You can get kids to put away dishes,

load dishwasher, dust, vacuum. Sure. Yeah. Mow the lawn. Mow the lawn when they're a little bit older.

Have fun, you know. You can make a game of it. Get them a riding mower. Right. My brother loved that. Mow the lawn. Mow the lawn when they're a little bit older. Have fun, you know. You can make a game of it. Get them a riding mower. Right. My brother loved that when we were kids. It was like, my parents bought me this thing so I could mow the lawn. I could ride it.

I can drive this thing. Like, he was so fucking good. And he was actually working. Well, he loved it. Well, when you're done mowing a lawn, there's an aesthetic sense of pleasure. I hate mowing a lawn. A sense of accomplishment. Like, you've created something visually that's pretty.

Yeah. It's kind of an art form. I used to work for a landscaper. Did you? I fucking hated mowing a lawn. That was one of the hardest, annoying things. I only worked for a landscaper for a whole week, and he let me go because I kept burning too many lawns.

What I mean is you fuck up, you don't know how to use a lawnmower that well, and you scalp the lawn. And I scalped a couple lawns and he got mad at me. It was hard fucking work. It paid pretty decent for what it was, but you worked every goddamn day from 6.30 in the morning, you showed up at work, and you worked until 3 o'clock in the afternoon,

and there was a gang of fucking houses to mow. You had a whole route of houses. You had to mow their lawn and chop trees down and shit. It was back-breaking fucking work, and everybody's a douchebag you're working with mostly like there was like a few guys that were kind of cool but there was a lot of like you know there's a lot of resentment to anybody new that was coming along that might possibly take this shitty job away it was like real weird man it's terrible like some junkyard dog type of shit. Labor is hard, man. Getting a job as a laborer in any sort of realm, construction, that's one of the best ways to get motivated to get your shit together as a guy.

Get a fucking job carrying bricks around all day. Get a job where you realize what work really is, where you realize what it really feels like to be exhausted for $5 an hour. $5 an hour and you're carrying bricks all day. I would have no idea what that would be like ever. It's the worst. But it makes you, I think about that shit all the time. If I ever think about not writing or ever think about not working out or not getting in the tank or anything like that,

I'll think about working on a construction site and carrying bricks and cinder blocks and bags of cement. I'll think about how hard that was. It's very motivating. What do I have to do? I just got to get up and work at something awesome? get up bitch you know it's like this is a lot harder things you could be doing if you don't have that experience though some fucking terrible thing you know like for you when you were done with all the electrocutions of the asshole like going to regular porn must have been like god damn this is a cakewalk all i have to do is

blow somebody well yeah now actually there's a little bit of a transition that's happening in porn right now where uh they're kind of going away from that like my blonde wife is getting fucked by six black guys to like more of wait a minute why are they stopping that that's a fucking classic thing phased out now that's like making a cheese burger out of out of taste yeah parodies they're making parodies they're making a cheeseburger out of taste. Parodies. They're making parodies. They're making romance movies that are like romance, romance-y novel, like rom-com type of cheese. How many vampire porns are there? A lot.

They did a True Blood parody at New Sensations. All that shit is porn anyway. Twilight parody they made. I don't know. They've made a parody of absolutely everything. Yeah, some dude on my message board has an Avatar parody. And it's a girl. She's got the Avatar face and she's getting her mouth fucked yeah and that's his his avatar yeah they're gonna do a new avatar it's gonna be underwater you heard about that no way really have you seen that preview for this new movie uh where it's a bunch of chicks with

guns on the poster sucker punch sucker punch yeah yeah the fuck? I haven't seen the preview yet but the posters look amazing. Watchmen-ish. It's the same director. It looks badass. It looks complete fantasy, you know, crazy comic book type shit. I like that, man.

Me too. I don't need a movie to be realistic. When people go like, why do you like fantasy movies and monster movies? I'm like, I want to be entertained.

I don't want you to depress me with some real story about a girl whose parents got killed in a car crash. Like, stop. Stop pissing on my parade, dude. Show me some monsters and some lasers and some spaceships and aliens. Did you ever see Scott Pilgrim?

No, I haven't seen it yet. Man, did you see it? Yeah. I rewatched that the other day. Fucking loved it again. That is just a fun fucking movie. Really? I don't know if you would like it, though.

I don't know if you would like it. The entire time I was like, they don't even like each other. Stop hanging out. What was a movie recently that you liked that I didn't like? Can you think of one? Oh, man. No, I didn't really love Enter the Void, but I thought it was good. Yeah, I wasn't into Enter the Void.

But that's also because I've actually done DMT, and I'm like, the representation of it is so simple. Well, there was a lot of problems with that movie. But I just thought it was cool, the visual effects. Well, yeah. What I thought was cool was the first-person perspective. I thought that was really interesting. Yeah, I thought that was cool. I felt like I was really that guy.

If you really got into it. I like seeing it through almost like a video game, a first-person shooter perspective. I thought that was kind of cool. There's parts of it I liked. But it was just too much. I didn't see anything that was like Oscar movies. There's parts of it I liked, but it was just too much. I didn't see anything that was like Oscar movies. I did not see anything.

King's Speech, is that about Martin Luther King or what the fuck is that about? What is it about? It's about a dog that barks. No. Dog named King. Yeah.

He wears a big spike collar. It's a talking dog movie, Brian. It's a Rottweiler. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck it's about. I don't care. I don't want to see any movies. I'm waiting for a Rottweiler. I don't know what the fuck it's about. I don't care. I don't want to see any movies.

I'm waiting for Cowboys and Aliens. I don't want to see any movies that are real. This movie that I saw, Adjustment Bureau, totally science fiction, crazy fucking real. Good, good. Give me more of that. Give me more fake shit. I don't want to see real shit.

It's not interesting to me. Here's a relationship that they had. Maybe if you want to throw me some crazy godfather type gangster period piece where it's not today's reality. So, okay, I can get into that kind of. It's a long time ago reality. But I'm not into any real movies where people get depressed in real life. Like, stop it. I don't even watch movies that have people in them anymore.

I just stick to just animation. Yeah. Like in that Megamind 3D movie, Tina Fey was like really hot as a cartoon. Right. And it was just like, cool, I can like think this girl's really super hot instead of like the sticky like, I'm not hot, Tina Fey.

Haha, I wear glasses. I'm not hot. The first animated movie that I ever saw that was an adult movie was Wizards. Did you ever see Wizards? Yeah, that shit was good. Fuck, it was great. I had it on DVD really kind of recently. I can't find it. I was looking for it in my house.

It's Ralph, what is his name? Bokschke? Yeah. I forget the guy's name. The guy that did Death Dealer, right? No, wait. Am I thinking of somebody else? I don't know.

It was just really cool science fiction sort of futuristic animated movie. They don't do too many of those, but they're pretty dope when they do. Did you ever see Heavy Metal? Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. That was badass, right? I was in love with that chick in that movie. Were you?

Yeah. The Heavy Metal chick. You know what's even funnier or awesomer is the Heavy Metal inspired South Park where they redid pretty much heavy metal-style cartoon and the whole animation looked like that. Did you ever see that episode? No, I need to catch up

on South Park's, man. I heard that they're going to do a Charlie Sheen parody, which I cannot fucking wait for. Of course they're going to. They could not. They love making fun of people. Well, they're the best at it.

Are you on that? No, I haven't been on that. I think they made fun of you on that, maybe. Maybe. No, I don't think American Dad has. If they did, I would be honored, as long as they weren't too cruel. Please, gentle. I'm a gentle soul and a big fan.

But what they did to Carlos Mencia was the most ruthless shit I'd ever seen in my life. They beat him to death with a baseball bat and shoved frozen fish sticks in his neck. That was so awesome. Good. But they were broken down, like, I got no dick. I got no dick. You know what it's like to be a comedian and not be in his neck. That was so awesome. Good. But they were broken down like, I got no dick. I got no dick. You know what it's like to be a comedian

and not be funny? Fuck. It was the most ruthless takedown I've ever seen. The Kanye was even funny too. The gay fish. They're genius, man. The fucking,

how about the Tom Cruise trapped in the closet shit? Yeah. God damn, dude. They break everybody down. They're the best, man. There's nothing like them. So we all agree. Didn't, when, didn't they get, didn't, what the best man there's nothing like that so we all

agree didn't when when didn't they get um didn't what the fuck's his name isaac hayes didn't he he was the one he used to be the chef is that who it was is it isaac hayes yeah didn't he stop doing it when there was some sort of a show on scientology yeah that is so crazy isn't it fascinating but it was okay when they made fun of everybody else's lifestyle and religion and everything else. Forever he was on that. And now he's dead. So fuck you Isaac Hayes. Bam. Maybe it wasn't even that. Angry Dana Diermont surfaces at the end of the podcast.

She shows her true colors. We're going to turn it around, Dana. We're going to put you on a positive path. You're going to be a successful stand-up comedian. You're my life coach. I'm going to be your life coach. A year from now we're going to be looking back at this moment and then when I did the podcast, that's when it all

fucking came together. Yeah. You're supposed to be a comedian. Epiphany moment. You should be goddamn invulnerable up there. Everything that you've done and how you've exposed publicly,

you should be goddamn invulnerable up there. You're going to be a goddess. You're going to control and dominate. This is the beginning. Today, we launch it's so ridiculous

no better way to end this fucking show it's so funny we'll be back Thursday with young and talented Andy Dick will join us on the podcast is he doing it

from this studio or your studio Mrs. Rogan is not excited about Andy Dick being over at the house so we might have to but he has been sober

for like four weeks I don't know. There's always tomorrow, though. Yeah, well, the thing about Andy is you just never know when you're going to run into him with whiskey on his breath.

And you're like, fuck. He was at the AVN Awards. He got tossed out. Right. Was he fucked up? I don't know. I saw him and he was just like,

whiskey, wah, or whatever. So he was hammered. Oh, that's right. I mean, I was. I could only assume like we were doing some kind of a mirroring exercise where Andy Dick and I were doing the exact same thing.

He talked about it on the Greg Fitzsimmons show. He talked about it on Greg Fitzsimmons' serious show. Yeah. And he said, you know, that he just got out of control. It was like the wheels fell off at the end, but it was a great time before that. But then it looks so bad when people are looking back on it. Another thing, he had a really interesting point. Well, you've got to pay attention to what you look like if people know who you are.

You know, basically. If people know who you are? Yeah, but once you get drunk, if you're an addict, you don't think about that. No, but I go, like, are both my shoes on? Or, like, have I said anything offensive or anything to anyone? Like, am I controlling myself? When you're partying. Yeah.

Yeah. I drank, like, five whiskey drinks, am I controlling myself? When you're partying. Yeah. Yeah. I drank, like, five whiskey drinks, and I was wearing a gown, and, like, I waited until no one was around, and I took my dress off in the Mirage, or the Palms parking structure, and I threw it in the back of my car, and went back to my own hotel.

Naked? I, like, just put on whatever was in my car. You carry clothes around with you just all the time yeah never know well we were like in vegas so you know you got shit everywhere it's good to have like a baseball hat an extra pair of sunglasses and a t-shirt in your car i slept i slept in a bowling alley last night in canoga park what i had uh what it's a long story what wait a minute what's andy dick no but but it was so great because i had not only did i have a coat because it was kind of cold i had sleeping bags i had airplane pillows from

traveling so much and it was great slept in a bowling alley yeah parking lot of bowling alley what the fuck brian that was great just good night do you get too drunk huh no no i actually didn't even drink last night i I think young lad is in love. No, no, no, no, no. It's not even that. No, no, it wasn't even that. Perhaps. You're in love with some girl you met at the bowling alley? No.

Perhaps. It's a long story. Perhaps young love in the parking lot. That's when you don't mind sleeping outside. But you have a house. When you're in love. Yeah, but. You get impractical when you're in love, Dana.

Oh. I don't have to tell you that. Maybe I'm dead inside and I'll never experience it. Maybe they were right, commenters on YouTube. Oh, those motherfuckers. All right, ladies and gentlemen, this weekend, Friday night and Saturday night, we are at the Comedy and Magic Club. Next week, Friday night at Gotham in New York City.

Brian also has a podcast of his own. It's called The Death Squad. You can subscribe to it on iTunes And Dana's been on it, Sam Tripoli's on it all the time It's a plethora of young, talented comedians And they do a bunch of different podcasts So it's not just one You can go on the iTunes page

And find out which they are Or go to DeathSquad.tv And just subscribe to DeathSquad on iTunes And it's very highly ranked now It's in the top 20 of iTunes comedy It's really good too And it's very highly ranked now. It's like in the top 20 of iTunes comedy. It's really good too. It's really interesting. So we'll be back on Thursday like I said with Andy Dick. Thank you everybody for everything

and thanks for tuning in and thanks for being just cool motherfuckers. Alright, I love you. Oh, go to Fleshlight.com and go to JoeRogan.net enter in the codename Rogan and get yourself some discounted jerk off material. Do you have a rubber flashlight yet?

Um, no. And I've been bringing it up every time. We're going to connect you with them. We'll connect you. No, no, no. I got like a formal

rejection letter from a flashlight. We'll make this happen. Dude, you just got in with the right crowd. Oh, okay. It could be like the extra big flashlight

for your butthole. The giant butthole one that you stick rocks in. Thanks. All right. Thanks, guys. Jihad. giant butthole one that you stick rocks in thanks thanks guys jihad Thank you.