The Joe Rogan Experience - #870 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: November 9, 2016

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. Check out his book "Life of the Party" on Amazon and his podcast "The Bertcast" on Spotify. His comedy special "The Machine" debuts on Showtime 11/11 at 10pm.

Day one of legal marijuana. Burt Crusher. Does it feel any different? Does it feel less naughty? Uh, no. I'm just worried that they're going to clog up the dispensaries. The people will? Yeah, because now you have to use the waiting room sometimes.

Right. Now that it's going to be legal, I don't know how they're like one in, one out thing. It's going to be a fucking nightmare. Are they allowed to just open up now to the general public? Is that how it works? I was just looking right before we started. I think they have until 2018 to start issuing licenses. 2018?

The current dispensaries can only sell to their current patients. What? They can't sell to people walking in off the street. They're going to have to change some rules. Oh. But 2018, before they start giving out licenses? They have until that long. Oh, I see.

They can push it until that long. Oh, if they wanted to hold back and dig their heels in. Huh. Interesting. So we have at the very most a year before it just becomes like Colorado. Colorado's a goddamn wild west. That's how long it took when it happened in Colorado, too. It took them about a year before

they figured everything out. Have you been down and gone down to the areas of Colorado where they're selling pot now? Yeah, I went with you. Right, but did you... We didn't go down to like the areas of colorado where they're selling pot now yeah i went with you right but did you did you we didn't go down to any stores yeah i went to a couple stores on my own without you i guess yeah yeah i haven't i've driven by them but i haven't like gone in and checked them out but that's what's going to happen here it's going to be crazy and it's going to be better for everybody it's going to be better for the economy it's going to be better for people my wife my wife doesn't smoke weed at all and voted yes.

I'm good. You're good? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She voted for yes to Prop 64. That might have been my favorite moment of the whole night last night. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. And by the way, I give 100% credit to Jamie. That was like you gave me an ace in the hole.

I was sitting off to the side. I didn't even have a mic at the time, I don't think. And Jamie just goes, breaking news, and hands me his phone. I wasn't even reading it off the phone, but I grabbed the mic and I go, guys, I have breaking news. Prop 64 has been passed in California. The place went nuts. Joe lights a joint. I rip my shirt off, start slapping the stage.

Bill Burr took a hit. Bill Burr gets high. Bill Burr gets high. Bill Burr gets high. And he had passed that joint. It had passed him a couple times. He was like, I'm good. I don't smoke pot. I'm a whiskey guy.

And then he was like, fuck it. Took a legit hit. Yeah, he was stoned, too. That was strong weed. That's that LA Speedweed shit. I don't know what strain he's got, but good Jesus, Lord, have mercy. What a night. Such a beautiful night.

That was probably the most fun I've ever had on a podcast. I've said that before because we've had some fun ones together. Oh, yeah. But that one might have topped it off. I don't think I've ever laughed any harder. Like Burr had me laughing harder than, I mean, it's just as hard as you can laugh. It was so fun.

Everything was fun. Yeah. Burr had me. You had me with that line. Did you guys see that picture of Trump looking at his wife voting? And you were like, what did you say? I said, that's the look I give my dog

when he gets too close to my cat. Hey, motherfucker. Leave her alone. It was, that whole show was so quick. It was so, it was literally like, like they were doing double dutch with comedy. Yeah. And you had to know when to jump in and when to hop out. Yeah.

And I said this to you this morning or this afternoon, that first 100 hour and 33 minutes was not that much talking over each other. Well, something happened that I wasn't aware of, but people started just showing up that weren't invited and sat down. I didn't know. We're just sort of sorting that out now. There's microphones that were there, and there's people that we had asked to come that were kind of waiting to get on, and then other people just sort of walked in and got on. I don't think it was clear to them.

I don't know how it was set up. I don't't know but it's chaotic when you have more than two people yeah just two people's hard sometimes to manage conversations but then you get three and four and then you're playing in front of a live audience and then people are just coming in and jumping in so there was a couple issues i guess i wasn't paying too much attention we were too drunk we were gone you bailed out when uh when you went and did a set. Well, when I went and did a set, that's apparently when Burr and Sarah Tiana went at it. I missed all the goodness. Listen, all I'll tell you is that I've been doing comedy 17 years. I am well aware that Bill Burr's practice of comedy is to assemble brilliantly laid arguments

that you wouldn't normally agree with. To go head-to-head with him in a debate about porn would not be something I think would be wise of anyone. Her position was, this is when I was leaving, her position was that people watch too much porn, that men like porn too much, right? Yeah, and it was about the condoms and porn moving to a

different place and hmm and then it turned into the middle crossover states are just racists and just broad stroking kind of what bill was doing i think i don't know i was pretty fucked up at this time i but he was he was disassembling what is this elitist liberal movement, which is if you don't agree with me, you're a racist rape apologist, sexist. Right. And Bill just was saying, that's not it.

Some people want change, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That did, that is a real sweeping brush that people from both sides like to use, right? The people on the right like to use it on the liberals.

The P the liberals like to use it on conservatives. We like to paint people like real obvious. Put them in a box. Make sure we can categorize them. Yeah, so I mean... That's what I said. I think I might have accidentally started a little bit of it because I said, look, all you have to realize

is there's just a disenfranchised part of America that feels like they're not being represented. And then immediately, I think Sarah jumped on me and she was like, Oh, you're talking about the racists. And I was like, I don't know. You can't say that. You can't say that. Like I voted for, I'm not, and by the way, I voted for fucking Hillary. So I'm just saying what, what I'm noticing out of an election. So, but I, you know, I, I thought it was good of her to stand her ground and to, and to hold and to say her point and not try to backpedal. And I appreciate that.

Well, you know, the problem is, the problem with that saying that anybody that voted for Trump is a racist, the real problem with that is because the only other alternative was Hillary, and Hillary was very flawed. That's just the way it is. It's not an anti-woman thing to think that someone who has all the ties to corruption that she apparently does i mean you can go into it all day long if you want to if you want to like look at the clinton foundation or any of the other crazy shit that those people are involved with it's kind of legal you know i mean it's not really breaking any laws it's like you can get away with doing all that stuff but all of it it is like Deleted emails and all that like why are you doing like what is this?

Yeah, and I think I think there was a large portion of America who just didn't want to share their opinion because they didn't want To be called a name mm-hmm There's there's real concerns too and people don't want to say this there's real concerns about her health Really? She hurt her head in 2012 because she blacked out There was real concerns about her health. Really? She hurt her head in 2012 because she blacked out. She blacked out, fell, fainted, and hit her head really bad.

Like, really bad. And apparently she was fucked up for like six months. And this was 2012. That's only four years ago, man. And that's a really significant head trauma. And she was very eloquent in the debates. She's really articulate. I thought she kicked his ass in the debates i honestly did oh yeah i thought she came off smoother especially that second one like he would say some crazy shit and she would smile you know i thought she handled it great and she was so much more eloquent and so much like so much more

so much better economy of words the problem is it, it's just, it's so hard to, to trust that she's telling you the truth. You know, there's just too many things that she's been like the difference between that Comey guy, what he said she had done with her email and what she said she had done. And you play them back and forth. You ever seen the video where they do that?

It's pretty shocking. You know, what he says is very different than her descriptions of what he says. You know, what he says is very different than her descriptions of what he says. You know, what he says is like, she violated some laws. And what most people thought in the, apparently in the FBI, it's one of the things that people got upset at Comey, apparently from this article I read, at least they were saying that the people in the FBI were very disappointed because they thought that he should have pressed charges. They thought that when they looked at all the evidence and all the stuff that he talked about,

that he admitted that she had done that you can't do with classified data, she had violated all these laws. Like, if you were a regular person, if you were a regular enlisted person, and you violated those same amount of laws, dude, you'd be fucked. You would be fucked, Phil. Really? They'll put you in a goddamn cage, 100%. Like, this sounds silly, but she just, like they said, hey, we'd like to see your this sounds silly but she just like they said hey

we'd like to see your emails and then she just got rid of them all she deleted them all she deleted 30 000 emails and she did it after a subpoena at least some of them after subpoena i didn't know it was after a subpoena see how many find out how many emails she deleted after the subpoena i don't know you know the absolute specifics of specifics of it, but it's just, it's, my point is, it wasn't like she was this awesome alternative, you know, so people that wanted change and they felt like what Hillary represented is a part of that big system as well as she says her words and as, uh, stately she is, and she's a much better representative of America in some ways than he is. But she's just too tied to corruption.

Like all the stuff that she has done, like all the experience she has in government, all that should be in her favor. But for a lot of people, it wasn't this time. For a lot of people, they're like, this government is just too intertwined with these businesses that support it and pay it money. And they're going to all these different foreign countries and getting paid exorbitant sums of money to talk. It's like Bill Clinton was getting like half a million dollars to fly to these countries that have all these serious civil rights violations on their people. Yeah, there was like something that Clinton had done we kept trying to push this one through see if you could find that there's this one like dictatorship that he wanted to go into

he wanted to go and do speeches and they were like no you can't go there like that we're not supposed to visit that place these people are doing things we don't we don't agree with and he's like yeah yeah I got to go over there and I'm gonna do a speech so let's just try to get like he just supposed to visit that place. These people are doing things we don't agree with. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I got to go over there and I'm going to do a speech. So let's just try to get, like, he just wanted to do that speech. He just wanted that cheddar. That's, I think it's, what's interesting to me now is the population on Twitter, at least, of people, my friends, that voted for Hillary that are now just saying fuck the rest of the

country. Fuck. I'm out. This sucks. Did you see that the Canadian website, the immigration website broke? It crashed. It broke. All the Americans were like, fuck this. I'm moving to Canada. Has anyone ever done that though?

Fuck yeah. You though? Fuck yeah. You think? Fuck yeah, especially Vancouver. Oh, yeah. It's pretty warm. It's like Seattle. It's basically just like Seattle. It's better than Seattle. But I mean, like, weather-wise,

it's pretty similar. Yeah, it's probably identical, but there's something different about Vancouver that Seattle doesn't have. What's that? Like, almost like this, like, colonial, like, richness, this European richness. Like, do you know that bridge driving into Vancouver?

Yes. It's got the big lions and you're like, oh, this just looks like Lord of the Rings-y. Yeah. Like, it looks like it could be in Germany. And everything's a little more lush or a little more overgrown. I don't know. Seattle, I like Seattle. I love Seattle.

But the downtowns look similar. But even still, like, the downtowns in Vancouver, the food always seems just a little bit overgrown. I don't know. Seattle. I like Seattle. I love Seattle. But the downtowns look similar. But even still, like the downtowns in Vancouver, the food always seems just a little bit better than Seattle. Did you ever do... Wow, man. That's a tough call. They're both pretty fucking awesome. You can't have shitty food in the Pacific Northwest.

Yeah. You know, like Oregon, like Portland. Portland's another place. They have some fucking banging food in Portland. Oh, dude. Do you ever go to that... You ever do... Go to that little taco truck food in Portland. Oh, dude. Do you ever go to that, you ever do, uh, go to that little taco truck circle

they have? Yes, yes. Dude, they have a Thai cheeseburger. It's a cheeseburger with that, like, satay sauce, that peanut butter sauce. Yeah. Holy shit. And it's super spicy. It's got sriracha in it, too. Oh, I fucking love that. God damn, it's good. Bill Clinton

sought State Department okay for paid speeches related to north korea and the congo he wanted congo he's an animal they're cutting kids hands off in the congo i respect his game i respect his game he's like there's a lot of paper for me over there. I'm about to go get it. I guarantee you when she got elected, he was like, fuck, I guess she'll be around the house a lot more. Look at this. It says the FBI about the deleted emails between March 25th and March 31st, three weeks after the subpoena. The campaign now says it only learned when the emails were deleted from the FBI report.

Wow. How many emails? Oh, my God. 30,490 work-related emails on December 5, 2014, and chose not to keep 31,830 emails she deemed personal. Whoa. That's interesting. By the way, do you know how difficult that would be? I have 33 unopened emails, 33,000 unopened emails on my thing, and sometimes I try, it's

just like spam, and I try to clean it out, and it's a fucking nightmare. Yeah, it's not easy to clean it out. Yeah, you're like, select all, delete, but then you still, it only takes, what, like, 800. Yeah. That would take fucking forever. It would take forever. What were you saying last night about, were you saying, like, if they, oh, fuck.

If they went through our emails, what animals we'd look like? I don't remember what I said, dude. We were blasted. We were talking about, they went through all our emails. Damn it. They went through all her emails. Damn it. Because they went through, the FBI went through a bunch of emails, deleted emails, right?

Yeah. And I thought you said it last night. I don't know. But I was thinking, I used to do this test on my emails to find out if someone went into my emails how bad I'd look. I used to do it with Segura. You just go into the search and then type in keywords, like type in the N word and see if it's ever been typed in my emails. Type in the word faggot and see if they, like I've done that.

Well, also the problem is we, especially as comedians, we fuck with each other in emails. We talk mad shit to each other. I mean, that's one of the funniest shows in Hollywood is that roast battle, right? Like comedians enjoy, like I enjoy it when someone lights me up. It's funny. Like burlap last night said I had a little rascals hat on. He goes,

Hey, you're over there with a fucking little rascals hat on. Oh, oh, we'd like shitting on each other. It's fun. Yeah. We like saying that we fucked each other's moms.

It's funny. It's funny. Yeah. We like saying that we fucked each other's moms. It's funny. It's funny. That roast battle is fucking brutal sometimes. It's brutal. But like, we'll say shit to each other all the time. Like, Ari and I do that all the time. He'll say something like, yeah, well, I was fucking your mom all day, dude. I got tired.

Just out of nowhere. Like, whoa, my mom? What was she like? Salty all day, dude. I got tired. Just out of nowhere. Like, whoa. My mom? What was she like? Salty. Whoa, dude. I just was texting back and forth with Ari the other day. Ari's a savage.

He just filmed his special in Austin. Said he was super happy. Speaking of specials, Bert Kreischer! Oh, yes. This fucking Friday night. The Machine. September or November. We're going back in time, motherfuckers.

November 11th on Showtime at 10 p.m. The Machine. Fuck yeah. That looks fun, dude. It is. I'm telling you. Which film? The Irvine Improv.

Oh, shit. I went back with you, Ari, Joey, Tom. I texted everyone because everyone's been doing specials, and I've been doing Travel Channel for seven years. Right. So I was like, hey, what insights? And the consensus everyone had was like, I don't do theaters. What the fuck am I doing in a theater?

So I'm going to do it in a club. That's what I do. And the other thing I was like, I've been doing stand-up shirtless for seven years. I'm fucking doing it shirtless. Which was before the... Why do you like that? Why do you like just throwing that shirt off? It just makes you free.

I'm a Tampa, I'm a Florida kid. Last night I was in jeans and flip-flops. You were, you were wearing flip-flops. You're like, he's got flip-flops on. Yeah, I did it shirtless. And then Tom and I got in that fat shaming battle. Dude, people got so mad. People got so mad about that.

I saw people being mean to Tom, being mean to you. I'm like, wow, folks, you don't see that they're fucking around here? Oh, the worst was when it was poignant. My wife's friend passed away, and I left a comment on her picture of her, uh, on her picture of her and her mom. It was like four in the morning when I saw it, I was like, Hey, so sorry for your loss.

We'll see you today. And then I guess someone saw me post on there. One of the guy, one of Tom's fans and they wrote, sorry for your loss. Did Bert sit on your mom? And I was in immediately. Tom finds that fucking hilarious.

But this lady's like, hey. And then it was just like, yeah, Burt's fat as fuck. Like, they just fill it up. And she was like, dad, your fans are dicks. I was like, those aren't my fans, I don't think. But so we did the fast-shaming battle. And then Tom, I show Tom the thing from my special. And he's like, oh, God, you did these shirtless?

This is going to get bad, Burt. And him and Christina just did a big preamble on the beginning of their podcast about me shirtless. Yeah, you did it last night somewhere early. Yeah. I like it. As soon as it comes off, I feel free. I know. I can tell.

I'm like, wow, that's interesting because it's almost like a psychological button that you have. You take that shirt off and you're like, yes, freedom. It's like it makes you tingle. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. It's my long hair. My Thor, Samson's long hair.

I did it in a meeting one time because I was like, I get meetings and I'll get like pit sweaty, you know? And then you can see it in the shirt and nothing looks worse than that. So you just take your shirt off. I just walked in and took my fucking shirt off. Oh my god. So the sitcom Wow that's hilarious. Yeah, why not man? Why is this a big deal? Why is it the whole thing the thing that I'm stuck with the stand-up is like especially doing my next hour is like We get caught up into these and I was talking to Justin and Brooke about this We get caught up in these mechanisms of this is what we have to do.

There was a period where every comic had to have a sweatshirt, New Balance sneakers, a hoodie, you know, and everyone did the same thing. And then you see someone like Judah Friedlander doing something totally different, and you're like, oh, fuck, that really separates itself in the back. Yeah. I, that my only, my only problem is like, is, and I've talked to, I've thought, I've thought about this and I've talked to you about it is, is I don't want to have to do stand up every time with my fucking shirt off. Like I don't like, I don't need to have my shirt off to do stand up. I like to have it off. What was the last time you did a set with it on?

Uh, anytime I'm at the store. Oh yeah. Hmm. How come? I don't know. I don't, I feel like it's, I feel like it's disrespectful in a weird way. Hmm. Like.

Because it's not your show? Yeah. You mean because it's like 15 minute sets? Yeah, it's a 15 minute set in the OR. And I have done it, by the way. I have done it. But for the most part, I don't. Because I'm like, you know, I'm only doing 15 minutes.

I'm really there to work on material to see if it works. Right. That would be like Chris Rock going up and doing like his inflections. Like I need to see if this works. And that be like chris rock going up and being doing like his inflections like i need to see if this works and that or man's a fucking beast like there's no other place better place in the world to find if something works yeah it's a gym it's also like people have seen a lot of goddamn comedy yeah you know it's a lot of i mean it's it's beautiful it's the best spot ever i mean that that room has got more history in it than any room in the country You know, it's how you feel it. Oh, yeah, and it's and it's for some reason it just doesn't

Whatever the mojo in there is you take a bit that would kill on the road and you bring it in there and they find It's flaws they find the lazy writing they find the overcompensation with inflection or energy writing they find the overcompensation with inflection or energy and like i i took two bits in there and i worked them out like last probably a month ago worked them out three nights then come took them on the road and they just were so much better i was like wow and the stories too so like the other thing about the or is it doesn't necessarily lend itself great to storytelling it's more of like a punch and jab, fuck with the audience, dancing type of thing. But I went up there and did 15 minutes and told two stories.

And now they're working great. Yeah, it's definitely a good workout room. Yeah, I like the belly room too. The belly room might be almost better sometimes. It's so intimate, so small. What is it, like 80? 80 people? I have no idea.

Dude, they have those, I think they're going to do, they've got a new material show there tonight. Have you ever done that with Nick Yusuf? I did that with you. That's right. That joke about Helen Keller and Anne Frank came out. Was that the new material night or was that the stand up on the spot night? Stand up on the spot is, that uh jeremiah watkins show where you

just the audience will yell out topics you literally have no idea that was stand up on the spot yeah it was that one but the other one is nick yusuf's show which is a new material it's like you only stuff that you're working on like you know police yourself whether it's you know you've done it like 10 times you've you know yeah It's not new anymore like whenever whatever that number is where it becomes not new But when it is new like this is like an opportunity to work only on stuff. That's brand new yeah, I My problem is I write on stage so like I like to take I like to be just be on the fly and riffing So I think the the adrenaline the stage makes me think quicker And then a lot of times what I'll do

is I'll write on stage and I will go for the easier punchline. Meaning the premise will be good and sometimes I won't have the perfect punchline. But I go, oh, that could be so much fucking better. Right. Yeah, that stand-up on the spot show is perfect for you

because you can just get loose. Yeah, I love that. That's a fun show, dude. It's a great way to come up with material. I think there's a bunch of different way to come up with the material i think there's a bunch of different ways to come up with material you know you gotta you gotta do a you gotta do them all if you can i pay attention to shit yeah i haven't purged my act in forever because i've i've i had i literally had didn't shoot a special for seven years because i was

just working so i didn't have enough time and, getting this hour out and putting it out and releasing it and knowing, I mean, I'm a little married to the machine story, but knowing that it's amazing what a blessing and a curse that is to be like, like when I met you, if you had said to me that first time, you said, Hey man, we're going to hang out and this is going to change your life. You're going to tell one story and that'll be, you'll be known as that. It's going to be cool. It's good. You're going to hang out, and this is going to change your life. You're going to tell one story, and you'll be known as that. It's going to be cool. You're going to sell a book from it. You're going to get TV shows, and you're going to do hour specials from it.

It's going to be fun. I would have been like, fuck, yeah. And then you have it, and you're like, and I was on a date the other night, and I'm like 53 minutes into my set, and someone's like, you're telling the story, right? And I'm like, oh, my God. Fuck. Wow. And I've had people in And I'm like, oh my God. Fuck. Wow.

And I've had people in the front row going, don't worry, man. You don't have to do it tonight. Oh my God. It's a blind fuck. It's fucking crazy. You don't have to do it tonight. It's always women. Always women are like, hey man, I had a great time.

Even if you don't tell the story. And I'll be like, okay. And then immediately it's a dude who brought five of his friends. He's like, dude, I told them you're telling the machine story. You're telling the machine story. I'm like, and I don't ever want to let anyone down. Dude, that is the coolest thing in the world that anyone knows me for anything. And it's a great fucking story.

It's a great story. I literally sometimes don't believe it myself. Like I go, there's no way. But I've had people come to my shows from my class stand up on stage with me 100 true i wish i was there oh sort of like it sounds very dicey that's a great fucking story though dude i remember when you were telling i was was like, what? Yeah. It was one of those, what? Dude, you've lived a very bizarre life. Oh, you don't have to fucking tell me. It's very, you're such a, it's very weird because you're such a nice guy too. You're such a nice guy who's also a wild man.

Yeah. Yeah. You've got this, you've got a weird combination of traits. You know, you've had these wild fucking crazy experiences, but you're a super friendly, easy to hang out with guy. Yeah. I think that a guy's seen as much shit as you've seen. All the different places you've been, you feel a little worn out by it.

I think I, when I got done Bert the Conqueror doing that season, I took, I was like, I need a break. I was like, I can't, I need to do need to do stand up because it just tears on you we had a conversation about it once me and Bill Burr one night talked about it that's right you said something very fascinating to me that night you're like how much money

is enough money like comparatively speaking like is it spending the whole year away for an extra like to double your money does Does it matter? Or can you get by on this and really do what you love and be filled with all the friends and the work that you love? My problem is I know how funny you are.

And I know that there's no way you could be at your best if you're off, like, months and months at a time doing that show. I thought I was. When you said that to me, I was like, I remember thinking remember thinking like I go up all the time, but I was wrong I was lying to myself because I was going up Once twice twice a month doing two dates out of the month But there was a whole portion of the month where I wasn't working and I wasn't writing I wasn't thinking comedy right? That's the biggest difference when you're in production you're thinking production you're thinking what's our call time?

What's our heart out like you that's where your minds occupied? When you're a stand-up man is just there if that's all you're thinking like And that's how you get better at it And you have to be going up all the fucking time like that's the other thing man, and I'm Adam Egan Changed my life for the better by passing me at the store and letting me be a paid regular it It gave me so much more momentum and passion about it So I was like fuck I'm going up to the best place in the world to do stand-up comedy

And I'm getting spots whenever I call in I'll get a spot They're cool as fuck and I'm only home, you know three days a week But if I'm going up twice a week or at least once a week it you really feel the difference in your act yeah for sure and if you can go to other clubs too man like I like going like I'll do a set at the improv shoot over and do a set at the comedy store I've done three in a night which is big for LA and New York they're laughing at us yeah because those guys will do like 10 different sets a night hopping from one place to another but uh i've done um the laugh factory the store and the haha all in one night or no the the improv the store and the haha all in one night it's so different man you do a set in one place and you get sort of a vibe of what comedy is then you're in a set of

just completely different energy in the room yeah completely different like vibe of the people and then all right bye folks and then you run over and do a different set and now it's a Totally different vibe as well and primary mostly I was going up with the same material so it was real strange It's like well. There's like different feels to different places in different crowds You know when Joey was work getting ready for his hour. He was hitting it I mean easily two spots a night hmm and And we live right next door to each other practically. So he just calls me up and he'd be like, dog, I got us down for two spots tonight. Like he would just call my avail in with his and no, we're going together.

Nice. Go to the Darkhurst Saloon. Oh, beautiful. It was a fun, like fun dead room. So when you like, like meaning like it's not packed out. Joey's not promoting it. I'm not promoting it. And it's just people coming in to see a show.

And it was, and you really got a vibe of like, this works. Fuck yeah. And then he'd be like, Oh, onto the ha ha. Yeah.

And we, I remember going to the ha ha with Joey one time we went, he was, I said, well, let's go to, uh, flappers in Burbank.

And then we'll go to the ha ha. I go, we'll go to flappers in Burbank. And he goes, and then we go to the ha ha. I got a thing lined up. And I was like, I've never go to the ha ha. I go, we'll go to Flatbreads and Burbank. And he goes, and then we go to the ha ha. I got a thing lined up. And I was like, I've never been to the ha ha. I pull up and our faces, our names are on the billboard.

Our faces are out there. They meet us at the car. Bert, you're running late. You got to get on stage right now. I'm like, Joey, what did you sign us up for? He didn't even tell you? He didn't even tell me. He just booked a show?

He just booked us in a show. It's hilarious. He really is one of the funniest, funniest. Like, me and you said this today. Bill Burr is one of the funniest human beings alive. Joey Diaz, you can say that statement exactly, and it means the exact same fucking thing. Yeah, we were just talking about that before you got here. We were trying to figure out.

I think that's the running, in my running for the two funniest people alive is burr and diaz that's my running for me i was crying last night fucking crying and he just grabs the reins man he just grabbed the reins and ran with it it was beautiful do you know when your soul's like a like he just made that up on the spot there's souls like a like a what did it what did he say the pixelation of your soul and then you watch that they gotta take one of those squares away yeah he's just fucking on it was a great analogy you and him i said this to tommy this morning we talked about the show i was just i was literally walking i was like walking around giggling like recounting it and i told it to me i said i said man i wish you had been there just to see burn Rogan because the two of you were the driving forces Doug was was bringing

in the rains like he would be like all right what we're doing tonight and you're like Doug they already know that and they go okay I'm gonna go check on Manson and then but you and Bill were the ones driving that and I swear to God when I say this I I literally started to move the mic from my face. Cause I, I was afraid I was going to be, I was laughing too much that you just hear me just, there was a point where I thought I was going to fucking pass out. And I was like breathing. I never, I have not laughed that hard in forever. Well, it's also, it felt like we were doing something cool. Like we, we all got together and we joked around

about this crazy thing that was happening for us. And apparently, folks, the live stream, if you were listening, sucked. We didn't know that you were only getting it through one ear. I don't know what to do about that. The video's up now, though, on YouTube. The video's been fixed. Powerful Jamie. The full video's up?

Yeah, the video's up. And Powerful Jamie. The full video's up? Yeah, the video's up. And we fixed the audio issues that existed before. So it'll come at you in both speakers. Sorry about that. I guess that was a really annoying thing to stream like that. But whatever. I kept thinking this could be... I mean, I don't think

anyone on that stage would do it for this. This could be a fucking TV show. I mean, this... But that's let's just do that Do that again so bill said the thing is the TV shows I I did something today for a friend of mine He's got a car show and you know went to him. We were talking about suspensions and this kind of he crafts Steve strope he makes all these like really cool muscle cars And there's like this crew that's talking to him and they got cameras and it's like and they're nice folks and there's nothing wrong with them but it's just everyone's got this okay now stand over here now we're gonna we're gonna come towards you

here so as we come around the car like that kind of shit you're like okay be no now be normal you know you try to be normal it feels weird right but if you're just doing it like we're doing it like if you're if you're doing something like a podcast like that, just a podcast. That's it. As soon as you start bringing it, okay, Bert, we're going to go live in five. Now, can you pick it up from what you said about the machine? Can you do that machine thing again? And you would have to do it again.

You know what I mean? Yeah. If you wanted to do it as a TV show, there'd be all sorts of other people in the fucking kitchen. Let me get in my jizz in the soup there. Yeah, and you'd only do it as a TV show, there'd be all sorts of other people in the fucking kitchen. Let me get in my jizz in the soup there. Yeah, and you'd only do it for 22 minutes. Yeah, exactly. So that's where you lose the... You lose everything.

It's live. It's live, and it's fun, and it's friends busting each other's balls and talking shit about the world, about how wacky this world is. Stan Hope outed me for my fucking face herpes, my cold sores. You son of a bitch. That's a true story, though. I was mocking him because he gets them on his penis. And I was like, oh, but I get them on my face. It's even worse.

You can see them. I love the way he starts sentences though it's so i have herpes he was on fire last night he was on fire when fitzsimmons said something that didn't land doug goes now i understand why talk shows have lead-in questions yeah he was a little hostile to some of the guests he was definitely he was definitely and then at one point he was laying in my lap that's one of my favorite pictures of my life was he sucking on your nipple he sucked on my nipple when sarah and bill started

fighting too much he would try to break up the tension by sucking on my nipple wow was the sarah in but was it entertaining the bill and and Sarah thing? It was for me. I liked it. I could, but I don't, I don't, I don't hate either of them. So I don't like, I'm sure to the average viewer who maybe doesn't know Sarah, but loves Bill. They're like, why would you disagree with him? He's the best. Right. But you know, the problem with those conversations is as much as I would probably agree, that's

just my opinion. And there's gotta be someone out there that's like, yeah, Sarah. Oh yeah's just my opinion. And there's got to be someone out there that's like, yeah, Sarah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's people. Oh, there are definitely women that, well, I don't know if any women were on the live stream, but.

We had four women watching the live stream. Are you serious? There was 6,000 humans at any given time. How many people were streaming it? Most I saw was like 35,000, 33,000, something like that at one time holy crap so there was there's been videos that were up that we took down on youtube they were up and they were private but there was the sound was fucked up still that's why they were private we're trying to fix the

sound so the full version is uploaded now oh i know how they found that unlisted video because everyone every one of us tweeted the link to the to the video on our Facebook live pages our Facebook Pages I see because I was looking for it this morning, and I couldn't find it I was like wait did we not record that I was like that would stink if we missed that oh Yeah, that would suck hard. I heard forgot to hit record Yeah, that was dude. We could do that again But next time we do it we can't just have people just walk on the stage and just sit down there I didn't know that that was Dude we could do that again But next time we do it We can't just have people Just walk on the stage

And just sit down there I didn't know That that was going on And you know We have a specific amount Of people that we do it with Because anything Anything more than

Three or four I figured Doug Was putting people on stage Because he definitely Put Brendan Walsh on stage Oh yeah for sure But Brendan's a good friend Yeah

We've known him forever And he wasn't even on For that long He's fucking hilarious He really is That dude's so funny he's so crazy too but he's doug was telling the story about bingo having a seizure yeah and hitting her head and brendan goes i've had a few girlfriends have seizures when they don't cook the food right oh man oh so if you've Oh, man. Oh. So if you've been paying attention to all these people's reactions, everyone's trying to figure out why Trump won.

It's really fascinating. It's fascinating to see people freak out. People are crying. People are fucking crying. Oh, they stormed out of a school in Arizona. The kids marched out of a school to protest the president-elect. Whoa. Whoa.

This is crazy. Now, but there is a weird, like, there was a weird energy when Trump gave his speech last night. It was almost like the bully saying, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself. Like, he was like, now we can be, like, it was kind of weird because he has not been, like, super inclusive. And then all of a sudden he's like, we need to heal together. And you're like, yeah, you totally feel that way. But, like, part of me goes, is there a part of him that fucking hates everyone that doesn't like him? Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. He certainly, I mean, he's, look, he's a super businessman. And super businessmen, they're like, they're game players. They're playing a game so if you move towards them you know and you make a move they want to make a move to counter your move and fuck you up like that's donald trump's personality that's why he sues all those people that uh you know he's involved in altercations with yeah he just fucking squashes shit he doesn't he doesn't like you know if people are talking shit about him but that's when once you become president like you gotta let all that go.

Like, you have to. Yeah. You gotta let all, you can't be tweeting Jon Stewart at 1.30 in the morning calling him a pussy. Did you watch that video? Oh, God, yes. It's hilarious. You can't be tweeting Jon Stewart at 1.30 in the morning calling him a pussy when you're

in your 60s. What the fuck? You just can't. You can't do that. You can't do that anymore. You definitely, now that you're the president, please stop doing that. It's just, don't do it. You can think it, but don't do it.

And even if you think it, why are you even bothering? What do you care? They got to get rid of his Twitter immediately. Nope. He clearly has been- He clearly has been tweeting. Let him keep tweeting. Who cares?

Why not? Dude, political correctness just took a missile to the dick. Now, do you think that's good or bad for stand-up? Unquestionably good. Unquestionably good. In every way, shape, or form. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's good because he's going to do some goofy shit. He's going to say some ridiculous things. I mean, right now, if you said something, like I like to go up and grab a woman by the pussies, everyone would be like, that has to be acceptable because half of America is not offended by that. Dude, see, I'm a believer in that the president, in a lot of ways, shapes the mindset of the country. Because it's just a natural thing that happens in tribes. because it's just a natural thing that happens in tribes. If you have one fierce tribal leader in a tribe,

I guarantee you the warriors that are in that tribe will also be fierce because they'll be under the guidance of the one wild fucking guy. I mean, that's how fierce armies get put together. You have to have a badass fucking general. Well, when your president is this guy who rarely gets riled up about anything, he's not emotional at all. He's super articulate and really well-spoken and he's a great orator. That's Barack Obama, right? I mean, that's what you would think of when you think of like a presidential person. He's probably the most presidential guy we've ever had as president. But then you go with Trump, like He's not doing that at all.

He's just rocking it a totally different way. A hundred percent. Yeah. He's doing it like a businessman. You fuck with him, he's going to fuck with you back, you fucking piece of shit. Jon Stewart, you pussy. His real name is Leibowitz. 1.30 in the morning, he's doing it.

1.30 in the morning. But that's the kind of guy that can fucking finance campaign for president all on his own and win. Yeah. That's crazy. I mean, forget about whether you think it's a good thing for the country or a bad thing for the country. It might be the greatest success story ever. It might be like the greatest upset of any contest ever. A hundred percent.

There's no bigger upset. Ever. Right? Like, what do you think the odds were when Donald Trump first entered the race in Vegas that he would eventually become president? What do you think the odds were? I remember watching Seth Meyers' State of the Union address, and he said, Donald Trump's here.

Donald Trump said he's running as a Republican. I thought he was running as a joke. Donald Trump said he's running as a Republican. I thought he was running as a joke. And I doubled over and I thought, I remember thinking to myself, what an idiot. He could never be president. I literally thought he could never be president. And then to think that that's a fucking reality.

Yeah, it's interesting. Has any celebrity other than Reagan? Yeah, it's interesting. Is there any celebrity other than Reagan? Ronald Reagan's the one I was curious about because they said that, I don't remember the election, I was too young, but they were saying that despite the fact that he had already been governor, because that was kind of like, he had been in office, they were shocked that anyone would vote for Reagan. They thought he was a fucking joke. And dude, he destroyed Mondale. I look at those county by county polls where they show you what the counties voted.

It's really fucking interesting. Because you look at Ohio, it's all red. But Cleveland's blue, and Columbus is blue, and Toledo's blue. But the thing is, just outside the city, everyone's voting for Trump. But in the city, people are voting for the voting Democrat. But if you look at Reagan's, I mean, literally, it's all fucking red. Have you ever gone back and watched some of Reagan's speeches? No.

I watched a few of them the other day. I did a YouTube rabbit hole. I went down and watched a bunch of Reagan speeches. They were so weird. So weird because now that he's dead, you know the history. It's so weird because it was in my lifetime. I remember these events. I remember these things happening.

But he was on stage doing some speech. And he started talking about how wouldn't it be if we were attacked by some sort of an alien invader for another planet wouldn't it be easy for us to abandon all of our differences and join together as one race to to face this alien threat and everybody's like what the fuck did he just say did the fucking president just say there's aliens i think he said that's what i heard i heard he said the fucking aliens are coming dude they're coming oh my god we gotta get together that's literally what he said and it was one of those conspiracy theorist dreams where someone you know like me or like eddie bravo would fucking look at and go dude do you hear what he just said

yeah you fucking hear what he just said he said If an alien species came down here dude, they're coming. Yeah, they're gonna let us know slow. They're gonna let us know slow I used to think I used to think they should release a tiger in every major city. Oh, Jesus. What about your kids? Well, I mean, yeah, that's just gonna we got to deal with that chips fall where Let the chips fall where they may. But the reason being, imagine how tighter the communities would get. Yeah. Like, people would be cooler to each other. They'd be like, hey, man, have you seen the tiger? Oh, yeah, yeah, he's on the other side of town.

Oh, fucking thank God, man. Hey, have a great day. Can't you shoot that tiger? No, you can't. You got to leave it. It just feeds off people. It feeds off people. It just feeds off people.

That's the balancer. Baiting them into neighborhoods for gentrification. Could you imagine if that's how we rocked it? We just left a tiger in every 100,000 people. You had to keep it. You had to keep the tiger. You can't hurt the tiger. Oh, my God.

It's a game with you and nature. Shit. Wow. That is crazy. nature shit wow that is crazy i mean when i was in when i was in tanzania with the messiah they have um their tiger lions are their big fucking deal and so they put i mean like they're crammed in together and they got thorns like thorn big thorn bushes for keeping them together and they're always together they're always in clumps because they have fucking lions everywhere wow and i was like i bet that makes you a lot tighter. Oh, hell yeah. When you know you could get eaten by a

fucking lion if you go take a shit by yourself. You're like, hey man, you wanna go hang out while I take a shit? Well, those people are so much more connected to nature because how many animals must they see get killed? Oh, dude. I told you. They cut a goat's throat in front of me. Like, hey, welcome to our jungle. Slit his throat and bled it into a horn. So you could drink it? Yeah. It's so casual. What does it taste like?

Like liver. Wow, like a drinking liver. Yeah. It's probably super good for you, right? I didn't mind the taste. Other than the fact that we get all in your teeth, you have blood all in your teeth. I didn't mind that it was Africa and I didn't want to get AIDS. I didn't mind the taste.

Yeah. Imagine being the first guy to get sick from that. I wonder what kind of blood-borne pathogens they could be carrying in their body. But wouldn't that be in the meat too? I guess you probably have to worry that less with herbivores, right? Than you would like.

Like you couldn't drink bear blood. Right. You couldn't do it. You know, I don't think so. I think you'd get trichinosis. Yeah. They say something like 90 something percent of bears have trichinosis. Really?

Yeah. How do you have to cook that out of them? Yeah. You have to cook it like you would cook pork, which is like to 160 degrees. Oh, I've been cooking pork medium rare. Well, now that you probably can get away with that because you're talking about domestic pork. See, the standards, they actually lowered the temperature.

I think they lowered the pork recommended to 140, which is really kind of like a medium, not a medium rare. I think medium rare is like 135. But anyway, I forget my point bears blood yeah you have to cook bears but but you don't have to do that with like a deer and elk you can eat like elk sashimi we slice it oh i did i wow did we do that with a bison i think we ate part of the bison's heart or part of his liver wow raw. Raw, huh? Yeah. Yeah, people have done heart raw.

I've seen that. It's crazy. I kind of dig that shit. Yeah? Like, there's a part of me that's, like, you know, the big anti, the N-word for guys like me is call me a bro. A bro's bad? Yeah, that's a bad, that's the N-word for, like, alternative, like, hipsters, millennials. I do not think it's as bad as the N-word for alternative hipsters, millennials.

I do not think it's as bad as the N-word. I don't think it is either, but that's like they go, oh, he's a bro? Yeah. Are you bro-ing out? I think we have to embrace that. We have to take it back. I love being a bro, dude. Whoa.

I fucking love it. I love high fives. But yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. But when you used to be able to say, what's up, bro, to your friend and really think that. Yeah. And now it's like one of those weird things. Like, bro is like a joke. It's like a half joke.

Yeah. But I say brother to everyone. Bro science? You know about bro science? No. That's all I do. I do bro science. I don't have any degrees.

What's bro science? Bro science is when you talk about something. Like, I might watch a YouTube video, memorize some statistics, and then recite it back. That's bro science, bro. Oh, I do bro science then. We all do. Anybody who's a bro does bro science. I'm a bro historian, too.

Yeah, I'm a bro sports fan. I love that your rabbit holes take you to a Ronald Reagan speech, and mine always take me to either stop being a douchebag videos or bully justice, like those instant karma. I like watching little kids fight, like when one kid actually knows how to fight in high school. There's this one girl, and she's in this fight with this, I don't know if she's in a fight with a dude.

She might have been in a fight with a dude, but she's in some wrestling match with this kid, and she clearly knows Muay Thai because she fucking knees him in the face. Hey! Like, full fucking power, really good technique, crushes this dude, crumples him. And you watch it, and you go, whoa.

I like that. Somebody taught her how to fight. Yeah. Somebody taught her how to fight. Some dickhead started to fight with her. I think. Maybe she's the dickhead. I don't know.

I'd like to get my daughters into like a base level. Here it is. Oh, is this it? Yeah. So it's a girl and a guy. Watch this. Doge. Oh, is it a girl?

Is that a girl that she just flattened? Or is that a guy? It's a boy. It's a boy. It's a boy. Dude, she... Yeah, it is a boy. Dude, she flattened him. Holy shit.

She flattened him. Show that again, Jamie. Look at that. She takes him down. She holds onto him and boom, knee to the face. Boom, another knee. She threw her whole body into that knee. She did.

She just fucked that dude up. Like, that's a girl who seriously knows Muay Thai. That would be like if you tried to fuck with John Wayne Parr's daughter, if you gave her a hard time. I want my girls to know a little bit of jujitsu just to protect themselves from dudes. Look at the fucking technique, man. Her knee, excellent. Excellent technique. Position, everything. That girl absolutely knows how to fight. Like, that wasn't luck. Yeah. man her knee excellent excellent technique position everything that girl

absolutely knows how to fight like that wasn't luck yeah she just smashed that dude I'd like to take the guy's an asshole I'm sure he is I hope so she might just decided to beat up a boy send a message this is how I roll motherfuckers wait where did she run off to she some other girls were chasing her she just ran off like super person. Holy shit. Yeah. There's that fight.

I always end up watching this one fight of these two guys in this parking lot. And the one guy is like posted up like this. And the other guy clearly knows the beginning levels of MMA. And it is. And he fucks this dude up. And it's just over. But there's this energy. Do you remember, did you ever see two guys about to start fighting?

And then one guy clearly has fought before. And he's done like martial arts. And the guy's like, no, no, no, no. Street fight only. Street fight only. And the guy's like, no, I'm not going to handicap myself so that you can win. So that it's even. It's all fighting words.

What does that mean? Street fight only? Street fight only. Street fight only. I've heard that before. What? Oh, yeah. I've heard that before.

And I've seen it in videos, too. I heard it in college. There was this guy who knew all Brazilian jiu-jitsu, everything. And there was a big block party. K-A-A-T-O-N-S-A used to do a block party. And he's talking shit. Someone was talking shit. And he hit his roommate's friend. He hit his

This back to just gonna hit his roommate So the jujitsu guy came in to get protect his friend his roommate and this other guy's like oh you want some motherfucker? And he's just like okay. It was the way he moved. It was very clear He knew what he was doing and the guy was like no no no no street fights gotta be a street fight And I'm never being like huh no and then he Street fight. It's got to be a street fight. And I remember being like, no. And then he fucking killed him. It's got to be a street fight. What does that mean?

What does it mean? You're the one that told me, like, one time I remember saying, I talk shit to somebody. This must have been five years ago. And you were like, do you know how to fight? And I was like, no. And you're like, why would you ever talk to someone if you don't know how to fight? And I was like, I don't know. I've been going on that mindset my whole life, just rolling the dice that they'll back down.

That's dangerous. I don't talk shit to anybody now. You should never talk shit. Well, first of all, you shouldn't because it's just not worth it. And it's a bad path to go down when you get in arguments with people. We're probably all going to get in them again, but it's not good. It's way better for you, for them, for everybody to avoid those kind of conversations at all. Yeah.

But when you start insulting people you don't know, God damn, that's so risky. It's so risky. You don't know what they do. That could be a killer. You don't know anything. I mean, like literally a killer. You have no idea what that person does. And so for you to just meet some stranger bump into them and want

to exchange assaults at each other you could have fucked up man you could be you know sitting right next to lorenz larkin you don't know who he is you know you decide to slap him you get you do something stupid because you think you're a tough guy and you think you're gonna intimidate him and he just leg kicks you and you realize like oh Lord. Then he starts beating the shit out of you. Slowly, whenever he wants to, he hits you. That's reality. You could find yourself in a terrible situation. I don't even understand those guys who just simply talk disrespectful to someone.

Like, that'll happen when you're with, like, as a comic, and you're on the road, you're at a bar, and someone's a fan of yours, and another guy's a fan of yours. You'll watch them almost, like, attack. Like, one guy oh the the drunkest will be a dick and be like oh i guess we're all just gonna sit up at the bar and you're like hey man don't do that like the guy the guy just wants to hang out too i can hang out with both of you it doesn't need to be one or the other yeah i don't know what you mean i go what the fuck you doing man just have a good time like why you know i'm not impressed it doesn't make me happy that you're mocking someone in front of me that's not funny right well some kind of dudes can be douchebags

you know i mean there's something about men's personalities and wanting to get ahead wanting to fucking move ahead of the line i gotta meet burt next it's a fucking competition motherfucker better not try to cut me. It's such a weird there's a line and you're like hey man. People get crazy. Some guys will walk straight to the fucking front of the line to take pictures with their chicks.

Doug Benson saw it happen to me one time and he was like why would you let that happen? And I was like I don't like competition either. That is a crazy move. Okay man I'm not waiting in this fucking line. Let's get a picture. I've heard people do that and I tell them that it's a line and then they just stand there and they take the picture with the person who's at the front of the line and they go, can we go now?

Like, no, there's an actual line. You can't just cut in. Like, that's rude. Someone has to police this. Yeah. Lines give me anxiety. What's a competition? When am I going to get there? When's it going to happen? We're up next.

How the fuck did she get in front of him? Was she in front of him before? She just cut. Did she just cut? It's not even you. Somebody else. The exact same amount of people in front of you. You start freaking out.

She just fucking cut in front of that guy. Dude, we were getting on. I was on my buddy Cowhead's cruise. And we were getting back on the boat from St. Thomas. And there was a line to get back on the boat but it wasn't a defined line it was just people like three wide four wide sometimes two wide lining up down the side of the pier and there were people just walking past the line and i and i would be like hey there's a line and he'd be like oh no no yeah yeah yeah and just keep walking and i'd be like Like, it drove me nuts.

Like, I was losing. And then this one couple just got right in front of me, and I went, hey, you can't do that. And now I feel like I'm in third grade. Like, hey, man, no cuts, no butts, no interrupts, man. Let's go. What did they say when you said you can't do that? They were like, oh, no, no, our friends are coming.

And I was just like, and then I'm like, okay, I'm drunk. There's no reason for me to interact with this person. It's one of those of those things like do i take the path of least resistance and just go whatever it's one fucking person do i reason worth getting into an argument with one per you know right but there's something weird oh it's a fucking power it's douche oh i fucking hate it assholes i hope people that. People do that at the airport. Dude, they do it everywhere all the time. There's always someone, but it's not that many.

You know, if, if you deal with a thousand people, you're going to get one at least, right? Just someone who just goes, Oh, the rules don't apply to me.

How many? Nah, you don't need a thousand, maybe 300, right? Yeah. Every 300, but it depends on what fucking,

if you're at a Raiders game or something. Oh, don't even get me started i've been going to rams games fucking lines there fuck that football games are ridiculous oh the i mean the ram stadium the coliseum it's like it's like going back to to like deadwood like it's it's fucking atrocious how much security do they have at those things not enough and they've got only one exit for everyone. Meaning like they don't have levels of exits for tiers. If you sit up there, you got to walk out this way.

If you sit down here, you got to walk out this way. It's a fucking nightmare. Just a funnel. It is, yeah. And they have no refrigeration for the craft services or whatever. So they run out of water. There's no more water. No more.

We're out. And you're like, yeah, but it's 90 degrees out here, and there's 92,000 people. Yeah, we're done. Wow. It literally must be what it is to be in one of those. No, that's not as bad as I'm fucking going to say. What were you going to say? One of those shanty towns. that's not as bad as I'm fucking gonna say what are you gonna say one of those shanty towns it's not as bad as that

it's like living in Africa there's no water at the football game we had to leave we had to get in our air conditioned car and drive off what a white privilege oh that's super white privilege it's like living in a shanty town I'm talking about my season tickets at the Raiders at the Rams game

it's like a in a cardboard shack the raiders and the rams game it's like a cardboard box under the bridge oh yeah man it's just when you're inviting that many men in in a gigantic arena type place and then you're having combat sport like yeah football is a combat sport in my opinion you know it's not a combat sport like where you're hitting each other all the time with punches and kicks, but you're running into each other full blast. You know what the fuck you're doing. Oh, yeah. You're trying to get bigger so you can smash people better.

It's a combat sport, goddammit. That's what it is. What's the, is there fights at UFCs? Oh, occasionally. Yeah. Occasionally. Less than you would think. Really? But yeah, you're going to get drunk people together. You know, maybe one person's cheering a little too loud for someone you don't like

and calling the guy you like a loser or whatever. People do. I've seen some brawls. But for the most part, not really, man, you know. I think a lot of people also that go to see MMA, like if you go to see it live, it's expensive. You want to go check out the UFC live. Those things sell out like that.

This Madison Square Garden thing. People are going to be excited to be there. They're not going to fuck up the experience, hopefully. But if you're next to the wrong person ever in life in a live setting, whether it's a comedy club or a concert, you could be next to the wrong fucking person and they could ruin the experience. We were behind, we were in front of the wrong person on one game. It was just this guy in all Raiders gear.

And he just kept saying to people, how long you been a Rams fan, huh? Oh, you brand new Rams fan. Okay. That's what I thought. And you're just like, why? What are you, what is this doing for you? Is he a Mexican gentleman? You just did him in a Mexican accent. Oh, Mexican gentleman? He didn't mean a Mexican accent.

Oh, did I? I didn't mean to. I'm really bad at accents. He's Irish. Oh, Jesus. How long have you been a Rance fan? What land are you from? He said it to me.

My kids are sitting in front of me. So he doesn't know that they're my kids, technically. So my kids are sitting in front of me. I'm sitting with my buddy, Eric. And he's just like, how long have you been a Rams fan? And my buddy Eric grew up here. So he's like, my whole life. He's like, oh, really?

Where are you from? And he's like, I grew up in the Valley. I grew up in Santa Monica. He's like, oh, okay. How about you? And I was like, this is my first game. I'm a big fan. And I guess he just caught off guard and he giggled.

He was like, ah, that's what I thought. Yeah, no one. I'm from here, man. I'm from here. And you're like, okay. Irish people don't talk like Yeah, no one, I'm from here, man. I'm from here. Ooh. And you're like, okay. Irish people don't talk like that. I know. I'm really bad at accents.

He was like, I love the carousel. That's like Japanese from the 1950s. God damn it, I'm so bad at accents. He's like, my man, I said, can I play against some conversation? He had a Rams game. I just think football in general and combat sports in general, you know, you get a bunch of men together and you give them booze,

shit's gonna go wrong. And if you're only telling me there's only one way to get out of there, that's not in my book of safe places to be. No. Do you remember the Xfl yes that was the um what the fuck's his name vince mcmahon yeah i went to an xfl game how was that holy fucking shit that was what a prison yard must feel like really really like i remember there i remember a dude

a fight broke out and the cops went into the stands from the field to get the guy, and the fans kicked the cops out of the stands. Whoa. And they had the guy, and the fans pulled the guy back into the stadium and pushed the cops onto the grass, and the cops just were like, I guess that guy's going free. Holy shit. That game they gave out um like cardboard flyers like i don't know what it was like you know so you could all hold them up and you'd all make the same color whatever yeah but everyone was just

turning them into paper airplanes and they were throwing darts and i saw a dude turn around and get hit in the eye with one and leave like ah and leave and i was, he had hit an eye with a dart with these paper airplanes, but they were I mean, I had a cardboard and people were turning them into paper airplanes, but they were flying like flying and it hit the guy in the eye, like three rows in front of me. And he just doubled over and walked out. And I was like, that guy might've just lost a fucking eye for an XFL game. I was like, I got recognized a lot there too. When did the XFL exist?

Uh, probably 2001. Wow. And I was on a TV show. What, what show were you on back then? The X show. You were on it.

Oh, that's right. And Vince McMahon came on. You've said that to me three times. Yeah. I go, what show is it? Oh yeah,

that's right. And Vince, I think Vince McMahon or someone came on to promote the league. And so we got, as cast members, we all got free tickets. And we were like, oh, these will be nice. No, they were Gen Pop. And it was fucking brutal. Yeah.

But we had just promoted the games on TV. And I remember walking through and everyone's like, oh, you're that fucking guy. And I was like, yeah, what's up? I remember when you were doing Hurt Bert. God. That was the first TV stuff that I was i remember when you were doing hurt burt god that was the first uh tv stuff that i was aware of that you were doing yeah i was like oh my god someone's gonna talk this guy you gotta stop doing that i'm not fucking doing that shit ever again

yeah like you'd let people choke you unconscious you let some of the gracie brothers choke you unconscious who did it which was it henner or he run who uh who choked you out i can't remember it was it happened so quick it's getting choked out is such a fucking scary feeling because it really proved it proves your helplessness yeah you're helpless for sure for one of those guys one of those guys gets a hold of you it took two seconds he just went and grabbed my kimono and just tightened it around my neck. And I remember reaching up to stop him and hitting him once and then being like, I can't stop this and falling out. And then I had panic attacks for like a week because I knew it was like to suffocate and die. Jesus, dude.

I literally, I remember I'd be fucking laying in bed and I'd just go. That was fucking crazy. Whoa. I wish at that time, you know what's so funny? Horian is the father. Horian said to me, you could benefit from jujitsu. He's like, why don't you come? No charge.

Come down and roll with us. We'll teach you everything. Come down, please. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In my head'm like, oh, what am I going to do jujitsu for? God, man, that would have helped me so fucking much in life. You can still do it. I talked to Eddie Bravo. We had talked about this one time.

And so I think you or someone, maybe you would set me up with Eddie Bravo. Yeah, well, you know, you live right down the street from Joey. Why don't you just go with Joey? Have Joey take you to Alberto Crane's place. I talked to Eddie. That's where he's going, right? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. He goes a lot.

Yeah. But I talked to Eddie Bravo, and Eddie Bravo came in, and he had a black eye. And I went, what happened? Did you get in a fight? And he was like, huh? He didn't even know he had a black eye. He was like, what? I said, your eye is swollen.

And he goes, oh, it's just from rolling. Yeah, it's not that bad. And I was like, wait, you get black eyes? He's like, yeah, yeah, you're getting bumps. You're getting different bumps. And I was just like, oh, I don't want to get, knock my teeth out. It can happen when you wear a mouthpiece. I've only gotten a black eye like maybe 10 times ever.

10 times? Maybe. Maybe 10 times. You know, that's a lot. I mean, from jujitsu? Yeah. Do you think all the times you're rolling and all the times spent rolling? I've had two black eyes. Ever?

Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, I've had two black eyes. I've had a lot of black eyes. I think, um... How many black eyes have you had? Maybe two or three. I don't know. Not that many. There's, um, a picture of me when I was doing the UFC. I had two fucked up eyes while I was doing

the commentary. That was all from my same friend. He got me with a knee and then he got me with his elbow. Totally accidental. Oh, it hurts so bad. When you're scrambling, you move that way and that's where he was going to put his knee. He just fucking collide with each other. Dude's noses explode.

Happens all the time. Yeah, not that I don't want that to happen but i just don't yeah no i know but you gotta also look be careful don't roll with spazzes don't try to be a world champion superstar learn how to do the technique correctly be willing to tap and just try to learn and have fun the gracies have a good saying they say keep it playful i think that's a good saying like to learn it you know because as soon as you get tense and real rigid and real concerned with the outcome you uh you you just don't do as well you know it becomes too exhausting you don't concentrate on technique you know like if you're not worried about getting

tapped or you're not worried about getting into a bad position you'll relax and sort of go with the flow of things and when you find like a certain level of efficiency, then you can operate and you can roll for like long times. I've had rolls with people that were like 10, 15 minutes long, even longer. Because if you get to a good place where you can kind of conserve your energy and you're both, you know, moving at a good pace but keeping it really technical it's uh it's an amazing uh martial arts like one of to me it's one of the only martial arts that does as advertised like when you look at martial arts you always think of what i would like is like some bruce lee type scenario where the small guy could beat up everybody around him well and striking that really doesn't work like that just doesn't yeah yeah it just doesn't.

You know, if Brock Lesnar is as badass as Joseph Benavidez is, if Brock Lesnar was chasing him down, he'd be kind of fucked. He'd just be kind of fucked. That's just too much. That's just too much man. But if Brock Lesnar rolled, like if he did jujitsu with a guy like Gary Tonin, who just won the EBI this past weekend. He won the heavyweight division.

He's a 169 pound, I think, at his champion. And he went up and he won the heavyweight division. He won 205, I guess, is the weight class. But that guy would choke out Brock Lesnar, most likely. So Brock Lesnar, when he's fighting, he's not doing jujitsu? He does jujitsu. And he's fucking gigantic. But he's not doing jiu-jitsu? He does jiu-jitsu, and he's fucking gigantic. But he's not, I think Brock just got his blue belt.

See if that's correct. Brock Lesnar got his blue belt or Brock Lesnar got his purple belt. Might be his purple belt. Is he using more wrestling techniques? Yeah, he's a freak wrestler. I mean, absolutely. You know, as far as amateur wrestlers go, super successful. Two-time NCAA All-American.

I saw a video of him as a collegiate wrestler. Beast. And I guess it's like a documentary that's coming out or something? Yeah. And I was like, God, he was fucking the same Brock Lesnar, that fucking scary look. What's he got there? Blue belt. Yeah, he's got a new blue belt.

Yeah. So what's it go? It goes white? White, blue. Well, it depends. Some people get weird. They add a bunch of stuff. But this is most jujitsu schools.

Because Taekwondo is very different. But jujitsu is white, blue, purple, brown, black. So some people put stripes and stuff in there. Jean-Jacques was never really into that. Jean-Jacques would just go from belt to belt. And Eddie just goes from belt to belt. Yeah. And it's all

just, it's up to them too. It's not like a test, which is kind of weird. Like everywhere else, like in Taekwondo, you would have to learn forms. You'd have to learn these in Japan, they call them katas. And these a bunch of like knife hand strike,

side kick, knife hand strike, side kick. It's like a dance that you're doing you know just this pre-formed thing and you had to know these things in order to get certain belts so like if you were a purple belt and you wanted to become a brown belt or is it a red belt yeah it was i think it went in taekwondo i think it went purple red if i remember correctly purple red green blue green purple yellow blue green purple red black i think that's it but it's different in others some schools like some schools they they would not have the red they would have a brown like in karate it was always brown it wasn't red and jiu-jitsu red is like the super master they have like a coral belt for guys like hicks

and gracie and john jock machado they give them this red belt you know who gives it to them their master it has to it has to be someone of commensurate you know achievement in jujitsu like you have to get it from one of the great masters there's you know there's a bunch of great masters out there like henzo gracie hoist gracie you know there's like the old guard too like Hickson of course Hickson gives you your coral belt he gave he gave John Jock Machado his coral belt that's just it doesn't get any like more prestigious yeah John Jock is uh he's a really special guy his jiu-jitsu is so technical and and he's uh like he was also instrumental in making certain techniques work in MMA. Because Janjak was born with one hand is deformed.

And all he has is a thumb on his left hand. He doesn't have any fingers. And because of that, he figured out that he can't rely on grabbing the jiu-jitsu gi or the kimono, whatever you want to call it. He can't rely on holding on to collars and grabbing sleeves and manipulating people with that. Instead, he switched to overhooks and underhooks and went to more wrestling-based control. So when jiu-jitsu went from being gi-based primarily primarily in competition, to they started doing Abu Dhabi. And Abu Dhabi was no-gi. And when they went with the Abu Dhabi submission fighting championships, Jean-Jacques dominated people.

Really? One of the reasons why he dominated is because he's awesome. He's just a super high-level world champion black belt. But two, because he had never relied on the gi. He was just about holding bodies. He was all overhooks and underhooks, and it translated perfectly into MMA. Eddie Bravo learned that from Jean-Jacques. He learned that from watching Jean-Jacques and from training under Jean-Jacques

and getting his black belt under him. And so Eddie developed his style. Eddie branched out away from the gi. That was like a big controversial thing when he stopped wearing a gi. And he started teaching no-gi jiu-jitsu. People got upset at him and the jiu-jitsu community that he was abandoning the gi. It was like a big deal. Eddie's a revolutionary man.

He really is. And when it comes to jiu-jitsu, that guy has a crazy database of information in his head when it comes to jiu-jitsu moves. And a lot of it he learned because he learned John Jock's, at least the base of information in his head when it comes to like jujitsu moves and a lot of it he learned because he learned john jock's at least the base of his style which john jock developed because he couldn't grab onto things really interesting that's really interesting now this is a silly question could like could bruce lee really fight i'm sure bruce lee could fuck up a lot of people

if you yeah you watch him throw kicks and punches. That guy definitely knew how to hit things. And there's some video of him sparring. It definitely looks like he did some sparring. So that means if you've done sparring, like if you've never hit anybody before, boy, that's a weird moment. Like even, what do you hit? Do you hit bags? You don't hit a bag either? Okay, do you ever have anybody hold the mitts for you?

No, nothing? And you're just going to try to hit a person. I did that. It's not easy to hit people. Hitting a person, it doesn't feel like you think it's going to feel. It feels weird. It feels really weird. Although being hit feels totally normal.

Does it? When you get hit, there's no weirdness to it. You're like, oh, that's just like what I remember when I ran into my friend's elbow. That's the same feeling. Yeah, but unless you get tuned up on your jaw. Oh, I've never. You ever get popped on your jaw's elbow. That's the same feeling. Yeah, but unless you get tuned up on your jaw. You know, you popped on your jaw. No. That's a weird feeling, because your legs just stopped working. I got dropped in

a kickboxing match. I got dropped with a left hook, and my legs just shut off. They're like, shut off. My legs just shut off. They're like, stopped working. Like, somebody... I thought that when you got hit on the jaw and you went down like that, it's because you were hurt and because like, oh, my God, this hurts so much,

I have to fall down, like almost. But it's not really that. It's something happens when you get hit with like a perfect knockout punch or just a knockdown punch. When your jaw, when they connect with your jaw and your jaw like displaces, When your jaw, when they connect with your jaw and your jaw like displaces, all that energy on that pivot of your jaw and the brain stem and your spine and whatever fuck is getting damaged in there when your jaw is rattling around against the side of your head. But it sends a spark like a bow and your shit just goes zonk. Really? Oh, dude, you just get shut off.

It's weird. And mine was like I would say a half shut off because I was still conscious, but my legs stopped working. But I was still super aware that I was in a fight. I knew exactly what was going on. I knew I just got tagged. And I knew, whoa, this has never happened to me before. I never had my legs give out like this. So you didn't go to sleep?

No, no, no. No, I was, like, only 50% there. But I've, of course, seen every variety of that. And sometimes you'll see a guy get shut off with a punch, like someone will just hit someone with a perfect punch. Like, you remember when Manny Pacquiao fought Juan Manuel Marquez the last fight?

Oh my god. One of the greatest all-time one-punch knockouts. Pacquiao's charging in, and this is like, I think the third or the fourth time they'd fought each other, maybe the third, and Juan time they had fought each other, maybe the third. And Juan Manuel Marquez uncorks the perfect right hand on Pacquiao's face. Oh, I did see that.

I did see that. And Pacquiao face plants, and he's out for a long-ass time. He just face plants. Yeah. Watch this. Boom! Oh, yeah. I mean, that is a goddamn perfect punch. When you can knock a guy like that completely out.

So that's the highest level that you achieve with hitting that spot. The highest level is everything stops. And they got to wake you up. And you probably don't even remember what happened. But I never got to that. I never got hit and had that happen to me, but having that halfway thing happen where your legs just stop, but you're awake and you know exactly what happened.

It's such a weird feeling of vulnerability. Like I didn't even know that was there. He's a button there. I didn't even know it was there. Like you don't really know. What is it that happens? Is it a nerve that something like that? Yeah.

Something. I mean, I've, I've explained it and then I had someone correct me and say, that's not scientifically correct. We're talking, which shocker bro science there i go but about something happens when you get punched in the jaw that your jaw rattles up against your spine they go well not really i'm like well okay well what does happen there's like is it the spin of the head like what is it that makes sense because there's that's one thing like what happens if you get clipped you notice that people's jaws they their head fucking bounces around a lot on the impact

like if you get caught with a really good body shot you get dropped right boom you get hit and you get dropped your body's kind of absorbing all the shock of that punch but your head when your head absorbs it your shit just swivels around your neck when you think about your head is like the worst thing you could ever hit this thing is barely connected it's all wobbly and shit the the bones are there's like little stacks of bones it's not a big bone it's not like a big ass thigh bone that connects my fucking head to my neck yeah like what's all with this shitty vertebrae stuff with this gooey gel in between pieces of bone what what a shit idea whose plan is this i made this i've been knocked unconscious

a couple times now that i think about it i remember talking about this at one time how many concussions is normal i think i've had like 10 concussions that's not normal that's a lot but at least seven i probably have a bunch that I was in denial about. Because, like, in sparring, like, you would get hit in the head all the time. Young Jamie, bringeth the beer. Sparring, you get hit in the head all the time. Sometimes you get rocked. And if you're sparring and you get rock get rocked like what does constitute a concussion

You know sometimes people have concussions and they didn't have a bad sparring day You know they go home and then they start throwing up and they feel weird They go to the doctor and doctor goes you're concussed and they don't even remember the shot They don't even remember what got him. I think it's just for whatever reason. Thank you, sir. The um For whatever reason, you know That can happen to you. I threw up when I got a concussion. Did you yeah, that can happen to you. I threw up when I got a concussion. Did you?

Yeah. That's super common, right? Cheers. Cheers. Yeah, I threw up. I was in Raleigh-Masamino basketball camp, and I got knocked unconscious. I went up for a rebound, and they pulled my feet out. Ooh, Jesus Christ.

And I landed on my head. I was like 13. Ooh. I had to go to the Bryn Mawr General Hospital, and I was in a wheelchair. They wouldn't let me get out of the wheelchair and walk. And I was like, I had to go to the, I had to go to the, uh, Bryn Mawr general hospital and I was in a wheelchair. They wouldn't let me get out of the wheelchair and walk. And I was like, I'm fine. And I was just a little loopy and then all loopy. And then I just started throwing up and I was like, I'm not sick.

I don't know why I'm throwing up. So, whoa. Yeah. You don't want to ever admit that you're, you're fucked up when you hit your head. Dudes are like, I'm fine. I'm fine. By the way, my parents didn't even, I don't even know if my parents called me.

Like, I look back at that and I go, I wonder if they, like, as a parent of a 12-year-old, I would lose my shit if my kid was in Philadelphia and she got a concussion. I'd be on a fucking plane tomorrow. Well, also, when someone gets a concussion like that, you gotta really keep an eye on them for quite a while. They kept me up.

They put me in the rectory. Why do they keep you awake? What's the logic behind that? I don't know. They wake up like every hour I think is you don't want to fall asleep and go to sleep forever. Ooh, you mean die? Yeah. Well, you're cheating the Reaper. Yeah.

Or are you? See, that's the question. The people that died, I mean, would they have died if they stayed awake too? Is this just, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. They put me in with the priests and fucking, I know. I just had a head injury. What's it like hanging out with priests? I never really enjoyed it.

I just hung out with a lot of priests too. Really? Yeah. No. I just hung out with a lot of priests, too. Really? Yeah. No. I raised my eyebrows. Anything else you'd like to disclose? You know what's so funny? I could probably get...

I'm like oblivious. You ever see those movies where the shark's in the water and the people are swimming and dancing and having a good time? That's true. And then you're like, oh, it's going to get it. It's going to get it. It's going to get it. It's going to get it.

And then they just get out and they're like, hey, let's go do something else now. And they don't get attacked. But I was probably like that with with molestation really i'm certain of it really so it just barely missed you every time i would have been a mark like a molester's wet dream because i was i was just i don't know i've always attracted those people in my life too like people that take advantage of people i've molesters must have seen had spots on me i remember watching a kid get molested one time oh no not not like molested but like it was definitely a an assault we were in a kids camp a baptist kids camp and uh

i remember we were all in our bunk beds and it was lights out and all of a sudden the lights came on and they're like these two counselors are like hog tying time and this and everyone's like seth run and this one kid i mean they just came down the bunks i had no idea what's going on this one kid came running and they grabbed him and they flipped him over they had a rope and they hog tied him and ripped his underwear off him and then brought him into the shower and we all went into the shower and then they had him in the shower and they were like what you gonna do saff and they're like it was fucking creepy like they didn't touch his dick or fingers butthole or anything but just the fact that he was tied up and like and like throwing him in the shower and threw him in the shower and i was like i remember going jesus christ note to self hide when they say hog tying.

I went to camp. By the way, those same two guys that did that to him taught me archery. Oh, savages. I went to camp with these kids that tied this kid up. They tied this kid up in his bed and they took his bunk, his little cot, he had a little cot. They carried it out and he woke up as they were taking him outside. It was pitch black outside too. Pitch black. And you couldn't see a fucking inch in front of your face.

And they took this kid deep in the woods with a cot. The kid's yelling, put me back, put me back. They covered all this shit with toothpaste. Apparently toothpaste, at least some toothpaste, does not wash out of your clothes. Really? Yeah, or if it does, it takes a tremendous effort. So this guy squirt toothpaste all over this guy's clothes and rubbed it in this fucking piece of shit kids oh fuck kids away from

their parents for the first time and just a few weird counselors i remember i had this conversation with this counselor you know or i guess what do you call him boy scout leader is a scout leader he's like an eagle scout and the kid was uh 18 which is like the last year that he could be a boy scout you know yeah and he and i were hanging out and uh he was uh talking to me about all his time and the boy scouts and all the things he learned and now they're they're kind of kicking him out because you can't be in the boy scouts when you're not a fucking boy loser okay the boy scouts are weird that way and i started to realize like this is the end of his career like it's over for you you're an eagle scout you did your shit you peaked you peaked at 18 but this was a huge part of his life i mean he had all these merit badges and shit all over his

clothes and they were telling him son you gotta fucking stop you gotta stop with your fantasy world with your badges and your fucking ropes around your shoulder. What are those ropes? Those little, I don't know. Captain's ropes. Don't they have those? Don't they have those little ropes?

What the fuck's that rope all about? What are you doing there? I would have definitely got molested if I was Boy Scouts. There was an article I wrote. It's funny how you read things, not wrote, read rather. It's funny how you read things when you're a little kid. Like I think I was maybe 14 or 15 when I read this. Some guy wrote it in the school newspaper in Newton South High School. So he was talking about the, the, the things

that they make you say when you're a Boy Scout. I promise to be trustworthy, loyal, brave, clean, and reverent or something like that I think that's the honest trustworthy loyal brave clean and reverent I think those are like the commandments if I remember correctly maybe there's more of that but they were describing them they were describing keeping your thoughts clean and this guy

who wrote an article was another high school kid and it's a really good point he's like my mind is my I can have whatever thoughts i want like as long as i don't do anything about them like why why should you try to control my thoughts yeah and like he's right he's right like what is this think clean like why why can't you think terrible dirty things because it amuses you you know as long as you're not hurting anybody well what then what is the the point like like i've never

once thought about fucking a kid but like are there people that legit think that like they must think that what do you mean they think that like i don't have to control my thoughts right there's absolutely people that are attracted to children and but then so i'm not obviously there is something to blame anyone that does that to a child. But how then do you stop their brains? That's what their brain's doing. Yeah, they're not doing it on purpose, but their brain's going. when you can look at any type of horrible, destructive behavior, you get to that one where you literally don't even want to help them. And that's the one. You get gambling and alcoholism and even being prone to violence and all the different things.

There's all sorts of different therapies and different ways that people would try to move you away from that. But I got to imagine there's very few therapies that anybody wants to invest in to try to get someone to stop fucking kids. Yeah. You know, just like we don't have any tolerance for that at all. And I mean, this is a really volatile question to say, but is it their fault? Well, it's a real good question. And it's so easy to say, of course it is.

Fuck them. You're having sex with kids, you piece of shit. It's so easy to say that. And in a way, you're right for saying that. You're right for thinking that. Because you're angry because what they're doing is terrible. They're ruining lives. We all know that.

But I think human beings are just a combination of experiences and genetics and an environment and all the data that comes into them. And the decisions that you make based on all those things, they're not even. Like your life experience is way different than my life experience. And I don't know what happened to him when he was a baby that made him this monster, this 45-year-old guy. Like Jared. Yeah. Yeah, like Jared.

I don't know. I don't know what happened to him you know who who the fuck knows what torture he endured when he was young i don't know you never know maybe he's just a bad person that could that's a possibility too i'm not discounting that but what is it about that one thing in particular that we don't have any faith whatsoever that you can ever completely get it out of your system. Well, you never could. That would be like carrying for, try to carry, carry me from being straight. You say that, right? But isn't that crazy that that there's no

biological imperative there, you know, like, like there's no biological pull to have sex with little kids, right? That's just a crazy fucked up perversion it's not like saying you could never be with a woman again you can never feel a woman's touch again it's more like saying you can't gamble again or more like saying i'm not gamble gamble's not there's something like a crazy perverted sexual attraction connection that they're having with with people that they shouldn't like young people right well where's that coming from and if it's coming from them being victimized and that's what a lot of it is a lot of it is coming from them being victimized when they're young and

they in turn start victimizing other people it's the most common form uh of um how they think pedophilia actually travels back and forth, almost like a disease. It's really fucked up. It's like a disease of the mind. You could give it to somebody and fuck with their sexuality, if you think about it. Really?

Yeah, if you molest kids, and if you look at all these guys that wind up being molesters, a lot of them were molested as kids. It's horrible, man. So, and obviously a lot of them don't do that and don't have the urge to do that but there's something that happens to some of them where it becomes this really fucked up thing that just keeps passing on from person to person from victim to victim which is a horrible stigmatization if you've been molested because you assume if you tell people then everyone think you're gonna be molesting kids

What a weird thing it must be to have that impulse to an impulse that you know is horrible I'm so glad I don't have that cuz I cannot control my brain. I definitely cannot I definitely think Massively horrible fucking thoughts, but that has never crept in there to the point where I think I can't imagine What draw it is to what I the the? The what draw would be to be with a child. It's not a draw. It's like there's something broken man some crazy Disconnect in your mind. I mean I look at sexuality and I look at I would like to be with someone I Would like to share a moment with someone accomplished That knows what they're doing. I would hate to instruct someone. I would never want to sleep

I don't say that you say that but do you remember that movie? 10 with Bo Derek yeah, pretty hot right yeah, okay imagine Bo Derek and For whatever reason she's been on an island for the first 24 years of her life, and she's never seen a man. And finally, you and her meet, and you're hanging out, and it's going to be the night. But she doesn't know what to do. I think you'd fucking help her out. I definitely.

I think you'd show her the way. And I'd definitely tell her a bunch of how it works, like, hey, when I'm done. Oh, my God, look at that. She's so pretty. What's interesting is that book Lolita. What is that book? I don't know. I read it.

I want to say I... I don't know I read it. I think I read it in Russian. Oh, no way. I swear to God. Can you speak fluent Russian? No, I can understand Russian, though. Wow.

Now, how much can you read? None anymore. Oh, you used to be able to do that? Yeah, I used to because though Wow now you how much can you read none anymore? Yeah, I used to because of the because it's a different alphabet And I can't read it at all anymore, and I thought I would be able to pick it up a little bit I have a diary written or in Russian whoa yeah when I was backpacking through Europe because we were all traveling together after Russia I started keeping a journal and I was right I was just writing in Russian because I was like no one can because no I could be on the train and I could write whatever I want and no one could really read my, read what I wrote.

It was a very simple journal. Like it was. Today it's meat. I like riding bikes. Yeah, man. And you're a, those kinds of life experiences are just to go into the place where they write those things and learn how to write in that language and write your own little blog and speak with those people and they're that's a crazy life experience man that's that's very enriching i've been telling i've been telling

the story on stage now of uh riding motorcycles in in through rice paddies. Oh, when I called you on the phone? Yeah, it's a great story because we had been drinking and smoking hash when I was riding the motorcycles, and you called, and I was listening to music, and it snapped me into reality. And you're like, what are you doing? And I told you, and you're like, dude, this is fucking Bert. This is what it's about. It was a very pivotal speech in the way I looked at that show

because you're like, these experiences, very, it was a very pivotal speech in the way I looked at that show. Cause you're like, you're like these experiences, fuck the show. These experiences define you. And you need to talk about this on stage. You were like, literally think about, look around, remember your surroundings and bring this up on stage. And I was like, I will. And then I was like, fuck yeah. And the sun was setting and it was fucking beautiful.

And there's oxen's in between the rice patties and there's birds and i'm listening to spanish caravan by the doors and i'm fucking flying and now and now i just had this conversation with you and i'm looking at my shadow in front of me racing me and that's my childhood and that's my my and i'm like oh this is the greatest thing ever it was like and then my wife called oh wow i was like it worked so well with joe we'll try it with her and she was like get off the fucking bike. You have high blood pressure. But yeah, that's the hardest part is telling these stories on stage. Two totally different reactions. Oh, yeah.

Wouldn't it be great if she coached you on, ride on, burn the conqueror. You are the machine. She screams it at you. You are the machine. I got the audio. I told it to Jay Oakerson. It's so funny because they're like, Rogan's your spirit. It was great. I got the audio. I told it to Jay Oakerson. It's so funny because they're like, Rogan's your spirit. Like, it was great.

I got the audio. I was going to post it and have someone do, animate it. But yeah, I'm trying to write about those experiences now on this new hour. And it's just, it's really fun. But you know what, man? When you told me to tell the machine story on stage, I learned so much about this, about the art of storytelling and the art of stand-up mesh together The hardest part is that I remember that how long it took to get that story good and every story

Starts with like only one little funny part and you just got to do it all the fucking time You just got to figure it out and work it out and need it out and tell it as many times you can Yeah, it's like you got to figure out what to cut out to, maybe a better way to describe what was happening. You know, there's an art to it. Some people are just geniuses at it. Some people will tell a story and you just can't wait. Can't wait to hear what happens next.

Some people, they're pacing too. Joey Diaz will slow everything down. Dog, let me tell you something. Joey Diaz will slow everything down. Dog, let me tell you something. 1986, North Bergen, New Jersey. It's me and Peter Ham sandwich. And it'll go into this fucking, I mean, it's like, you're a little kid.

You're like, give me the popcorn. His father always carried a comb in his back pocket. He'd comb out with his gimp hand. He'd comb his hair. You remember those combs you used to have with the little pointy things would break off and you'd only have like, you'd have like two fangs and then you'd be missing a fang and then you'd have the other fangs and you'd be missing a fang. You'd have to kind of like move your hair around

with it. Wow, the fucking part where it doesn't work. The thing I was telling, I was telling Steve-O this. I just had Steve-O on my podcast and we were talking about being in comedy and being at the clubs. The thing that it is is that often the funniest thing you say, you don't realize you're being funny. Sometimes, right? Yeah.

And when you have your friends around to be like, hey, is that a bit? And you're like, no, I feel silly for saying it. They're like, no, that's good. Like, Joey, and that is what's great about Joey. Like, Joey, and that is what's great about Joey. I swear to God when I say I have been with him where he said the funniest things that no one could write. You'll never be able to find this structure and write it. Yeah, I'll take another one, too.

Thanks, Jamie. And you just are like, like he said on my podcast one time, I go, I have a big dog. He's like, dog, I don't trust dogs. I said, why? And he goes, when I first came to this country, I got attacked by dogs five times. The last dog walked past me and then came back to bite me. And you're like, what the fuck, man? And he just has a flat look on his face. He's not trying to run a bit.

He's just telling you his life. Yeah. He's just funny. Joey just knows how to do it. I told him I... That's a cool guy to live near. It's the best. When those homeless people were breaking into my house, Joey drove by every night.

How many homeless people broke into your house? A couple. Really? Yeah, because we're under construction. We're renovating. Oh, no. Yeah. First one broke in...

Zombies. Very fucking similar. You can't scare them. Really? Yeah, I was sitting. We had dinner at my sister's house. The girls went inside. Everything's under construction.

We got like a big dumpster out front. It looks like it's under construction. And I'm sitting off to the side. We're smoking a cigar in the darkness. And this just starts walking in walking up the driveway starts to go into our backyard and i see her and i'm like wait do i know i must know her it's a weird thing when you get robbed that you're like it's like a such a confrontation that you're like like have you ever been like been in a confrontation and someone's like hey man and you're like oh i must know this person hi and then they attack you and you're like, Oh fuck, this is how it starts.

That was what happened. This girl was just going to her backyard and I go, we must know her. And I go, Hey, can I help you? And then she was like, Oh, Hey. And she like said something like I work for the DWP or some child's organization, something. And I was like, no, this is, this is, you're breaking into my backyard and i start fucking shouting at her and she just keeps walking towards me she's not fucking scared at all priscilla is 130 pound bull mastiff a beast of a fucking dog is going at her like leaping at her and all this keeping up is a little tiny like dog fence that we had in our front yard at the time fearless this woman was you couldn't shake her hair.

I think a heroin addict probably. Yeah. And, and I was like, motherfuckers, we call the cops and then the cops show up. I don't know. I ever was shits on cops. I love them. They showed up in three minutes. They were there in three minutes.

The woman had already taken off. I told him where they, where she went. And the guy's like, yeah, it's, you know, there's a new heroin dealer in town. A lot of, a lot of junkies and homeless people are going to be loitering around here until we stop that. But he's like, I'm sorry. And I look at both my daughters are in the, um, in the doorway and they're looking out and I'm like, Hey man, I told the cops, do you mind if the girls come down for like two

seconds and you just let them know that there'll be like, you're going to, there's nothing to worry about. And he's like, yeah, not at all. I go, girls, come on down. So George and I would come down and they had lollipops and they put notes on it that said you are our heroes And they gave them to the cops. I'm gonna talk about a heart fucking breaking moment. These cops were like ladies Well, first of all, we will be circling this box all night long. Nothing's happened to this house We will keep an extra good eye out in this house and Georgia starts pulling up my shirt. She's like dad

Let's go dad. Let's go. I was like hold And Georgia starts pulling up my shirt. She's like, dad, let's go. Dad, let's go. I was like, hold on, George. He's not done. She's like, dad, dad, I think we should go to the house. And I was like, Georgia, it's fine. Finally, the guy gives a speech and we walk back to the house. And I was wearing this shirt. And she goes, you are wearing a marijuana shirt.

I was like, oh, that's hilarious. Cops don't give a fuck. Fuck no. They don't give a fuck about pot. They want more people on pot. Everybody just relax. What was bringing the homeless people was we had a porta potty in our front yard. Do you know anybody that's ever shot the heroin?

Actually shot it? That's what Hedberg used to do. Yeah. I didn't know him well, though. I mean, that was when he had gotten gangrene. Yeah. I didn't know him well, though. I mean, that was when he had gotten gangrene.

And I think it was 2003, Stanhope pulled me aside to tell me that he was in the hospital. And Hedberg was like, his leg was really fucked up. And they were worried he was going to lose his leg. Because he had gangrene from shooting in the same spot. But I didn't know him well. He was more of a friend to Stanhope. But as a comic, I was a huge fan. Well fan well as a person i was a huge fan of his but as a comic i like really respected him he was a great comic yeah just interesting too and really unique and he just always made me laugh i just

really and i always enjoyed like his his like he had such an absurd style it made you giggly yeah it was so unique yeah but he liked that heroin i guess did you hear the reference uh san hope made a uh mitch hebert reference last night no i didn't hear it dufresne party of three dufresne party of three what happened to the dufresnes i say we start a search party search party of four yeah he his his pacing and his his style of talking it was the first comic that i ever heard say ain't and it was it was poetic you know man i ain't even gonna do that yeah he he had it down i would watch I would pay right now I'm not even joking if you said to me I have a Like a 30 for 30, you know 30 for 30 is I have a 30 for 30 about Mitch Hedberg That's an hour and 20 minutes that covers all the all the real I'd pay

Easily a thousand dollars to watch it Wow strong words. I would I'm Man, that guy's I, I find that shit interesting. Me too. I wanted to do a series for Comedy Central where we had like almost like a podcast, but where, where I would go to all the comics and I would have them tell me their best Attell story, their best Hedberg story. And then I'd compile it all into episodes about comics telling stories about Attell,

comics telling stories about Mitch, comics telling stories about Stanhope. Like imagine if you did one with Stanhope. And I just, everyone I had on my podcast, I just took like five minutes aside and was like, tell me your best Doug Stanhope story.

And then I just compiled that into a three hour podcast. And then let Doug listen to it. And then at the end of the story, go, objection. That would be a badass. It would be badass. Maybe I'll do that about Stanhope. It would be badass.

Maybe I'll do that about Stanhope. It's not a bad one. I got a gang of stories, I'm sure. He's always been a character. I told a good Stanhope story to Marilyn Manson last night. Did you? Yeah, I think, oh, I take that back. I told it on stage.

Isn't it weird hanging out with Marilyn Manson? Very fucking bizarre. It was odd. I shook his hand in the process of shaking his hand. I was like, oh shit, that's Marilyn Manson. I walked into and Doug's like, Manson's in there. And I think there was like, I was thinking of a guy from Bubba the Love Sponge or something. Oh, okay.

And I was like, okay. And then we walked in and I went, oh, that's Marilyn Manson. And I just was like. Super easy to talk to. Really smart fucking dude. Yeah. You know, he's a really good artist. You ever see his work? Yeah. His artwork? When I worked at barnes and noble his book came out his book and i and i was just

i was like he was from florida i was from florida so i read the book it's fucking really interesting it's an interesting way to write a book like a comic should do what he did he had a gallery uh opening or showing yes of his work and I went to check it out. It's really interesting. I mean, he's a super creative guy. Very creative. So you can kind of see how it – look at that. I mean, that's really good stuff.

Look at that. That's beautiful art. Yeah. No, he's really good. It's bizarre, weird shit. Look at that Hunter S. Thompson one he's got there. Look at that, the one to the left. That's the Hunter S. Thompson one. Look at that. That is fuckingompson when he's got there he's got look at that the one to the left that the hunter s thompson one look at that it's fucking great he did it he did a video

he did a video that he released yesterday about um about cutting uh donald trump's head off do you think he sells that as a print yeah i know he did a video about cutting donald trump's head off and that is that is not going to fare well now. I think that's illegal now. Once someone's the president, I don't think you can make jokes about killing people. You can't cut their heads off. And then I was like, oh, I made a video too. It's a little different and I showed him mine and it's me in a thong coming out of a porta potty.

I saw that. And he was like, he laughed. He was like, oh, that's funny. That's really funny. And I was like, well, how much did it cost you to shoot yours? Yeah, he had to get a rubber head, the whole deal. That Hunter S. Thompson from Manson is fucking amazing. I wonder if they have prints of that. I bet you could call Mayor Manson.

And ask him if he has a print of that? That would be annoying. Not at all. Not from you. It would be annoying. Somebody called me and said, how do I get your DVD? Amazon.com, stupid. Oh from you. It'd be annoying. Like somebody called me and said, how do I get your DVD? Amazon.com, stupid. Oh yeah.

What is that? A thinly veiled request? That's why I'm not famous. I call Marilyn Manson and go, do you know how I get one of your albums? Yeah. Just download it on iTunes. People get mad. Is there, there are some bands that you can't buy on iTunes, right?

Tool. Maynard, Maynard Scott. Is that Maynard Scott? Is that his name? Maynard Keenan. May, right? Tool. Maynard Scott? Is that Maynard Scott? Is that his name? Maynard Keenan. Maynard Keenan. Tool is, dude, the fucking, the Tool album with Prison Sex on it. Oh, I love that song.

Is the greatest fucking album. I love that album. Top to bottom was one of my favorite albums. That's when I got into ecstasy and coke in college. Man. That Prison Sex, I used to listen to that shit when i worked out because they're like that was like a weightlifting song oh because you get fucking fired up sober oh it's good jams on that man that is a great fucking album that was a great podcast when you had him on yeah he's interesting he's a really interesting guy he's a very smart dude

almost too smart cool boots He's got cool boots? Always has cool boots He makes really good wine Yeah Really good wine Like I'm not Obviously Not a sommelier

Or anything like that But I know like what tastes good And his shit tastes really good And he knows so much about it Like you talk to him about it Like the way he describes it And explains the process And he's super super into it he's i i i'm fascinated by that guy him and him marilyn manson uh what

was the other guy trent resner that whole there was a whole genre now those guys turn into club djs they turn into diplo or skrillex right Back then they made albums. Well, those guys make albums, don't they? No, they do one song and release it. And then they toured. Do you ever follow? Are you on Snapchat at all? No. Diplo on Snapchat is one of the most interesting lives a human could live.

Really? He is in, am I right? He is on Private Jets. I met Diplo a long time ago before he was, I mean, I'm sure he was famous, but like he was going to do a show for Travel Channel. and we went out and he was so interested in hosting he's like i really want to get into hosting thank fucking god they didn't pick up his show he travels on private jets to helsinki then to tokyo then to ibiza then to i mean he's and then he's in he's in vegas once a week with Skrillex. They do a party.

And, like, it's the craziest fucking life, man. He's just super balling. He's super balling. And he doesn't look like he spends a ton of money other than private jets, but he seems like he's got his shit together. He's a really sweet dude. And they do a show in Vegas every week? Him and Skrillex.

Wow. I watched on Viceland. What's the TV show? Viceland? Yeah. Viceland on Noisy. The host, I forgot his name, but he's a great host of Noisy. He really is a fantastic host.

And I'm speaking from a hosting perspective. Very laissez-faire, casual host. He, I wish I knew his name. I'd give him a shout out. He went to Vegas for a weekend and partied with like all those guys and just their lifestyle and how much money they make.

I mean, they were making, you know, and then I didn't even know that DJ AM, do you remember that guy? He died of a heroin overdose but he was in the plane crash. He was a great fucking DJ. Like a legit great DJ. And I was like, oh, I just but he was in the plane crash. He was a great fucking DJ. Like a legit great DJ. And I was like, oh, I just thought he was some reality star.

I didn't know he could DJ. Like he went on to Big Boy in the Morning, I think, and did a, and was the first person to do mashups of like Run DMC and Sweet Home Alabama. And he was playing Sweet Home Alabama on the fucking Breakfast Club. And everyone's like, oh, shit. It's a fucking, I got really into that. That's one of my wormholes that I went down was started Googling everything about these DJs. And then I end up watching a girl doing drums.

Have you seen these girls that do drums? It's a fucking baddest thing. Well, isn't it interesting what shows have come to in Vegas? Like, a thing used to be in Vegas is you would go to Vegas and you would see a band. And you still do that a lot in Vegas. But more often than that, you have DJs. And these DJs, they have regular shows at these places. Yeah.

They do it all the time. Would you take, this is a silly question. Would you take a, what are you looking for? was gonna give you a bottle i got it um would you take a residency somewhere i don't think so i don't think that would be as fun what if it what if it was in la i think i'd like to do whatever the fuck i want to do i like doing exactly how i'm doing it i don't i don't want to do a resident i don't want to like be required to be in one spot because i like i'd like to schedule phoenix one weekend boston another weekend i want to do a resident. I don't want to be required to be in one spot. Because I'd like to schedule Phoenix one weekend, Boston another weekend. I like to do it like that.

I don't like to do it where I have to be somewhere. Yeah. Every week. It's not a bad thing, but if you can have freedom, take freedom. Always. That's what I think. What if they said, hypothetically speaking, Bilber, Doug Stanhope, myself, you,

Fitzsimmons, did once a month in Vegas and did that show in Vegas. Like that? Like that. Wow. Yeah, I would commit to that. I'd commit to that.

That would be so fun. By the way, I'd definitely commit to that because I would be the one probably making sure dinner was ready for everybody. But why do we have to fly to Vegas? Why not do it here?

Why not do it exactly like we did last night? Yeah. Yeah, see, don't complicate shit. Oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, we're in the store. We all live here. Why the fuck are we flying somewhere else?

Good point. Yeah. Sometimes I complicate things just because I go, how would it be fun for us all in hotel rooms? Well, you're thinking about having a residency. You want to be like Dean Martin and fucking Sammy Davis Jr. So badly. So badly. The new Rat Pack, ladies and gentlemen. Everybody wants to be like Dean Martin and fucking Sammy Davis Jr. So badly. So badly.

The new Rat Pack ladies and gentlemen. Everybody wants to be the new Rat Pack. This is the gang. The gang's all here. The Bro Pack. The Bro Pack. We're bro-ing out bro. Yeah but doing a super show is that you know like what last night was like a podcast super show.

Yeah. We should definitely do that more often. That was so much fun. That was like one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life. It was so great because like when I did my 200th episode, I did it with Tom and Bill and my man came and we smoked cigars and halfway through I went, Oh wait,

I've had the ability to do something like this all the time is have my friends come in together and us just hang out and drink and bullshit. Yeah. We can do that all the time. But that, that last night was just, I'll never, I will for the next week, I'll remember moments of that and just giggle.

I wish I was there for the Sarah Tiana, Bill Burr pornography fight. Yeah. I'm very bummed out that I had left when that was going down. It would have been, it was an interesting, it was an interesting debate. I think it all started with condoms and porn. Yeah. Well, people get weirder when it comes to watching people fuck some people don't think you should be able to do it i'm into the weirdest

shit now are you i broke my governor talk to me i'm fucking what are you into choking no no no no no uh i was into mascara i got into quicksand porn for a second but you remember we talked about that unless the girl's mascara is like covered with like sweat from gag and tears. That doesn't turn me on. My big thing is close up orgasms. Close up?

You like them close up? Yeah, because that's the way I see them in real life. My wife is the one that fucked me up. She was like, while I was watching someone and it was like a guy

and the girl's gagging. She was like, I don't fucking gag. And I was like, no shit. And then she was like, and then she was like, she was like, it was like a guy and the girl's gagging she was like i don't fucking gag and i was like no shit and then she was like oh my god and then she was like uh she was like she's like yeah but that's so funny that you'd watch something that you don't even do and i went what do you mean she's like you're watching something that's total fantasy like you have no attachment to that so it's almost like the sex you have is something totally

different than what you masturbate to and i was was like, that's a good fucking call. So I tried to really dial it in to like, what are the things that actually turn me on in real life? And one of the things is, if my wife has an orgasm, I'm usually down there, and that really turns me on. When that happens, I'm like, oh fuck, so I got really close-up orgasms. I just got super uncomfortable. So did the rest of the world.

Everybody listening went, Jesus, Bert. There's another thing called downblousing. Downblousing? Yeah, but it's very, it's very, no, I'm being serious. Type in downblousing. Like bend over to fix your shoe or something. You look down or blouse and see your tits. That's a genre of it, but the genre I got into, if you look on Pornhub, it's downblousing, and it's

just girls with loose-fitting shirts cleaning. Which is the real, like that is something that I walk into the kitchen and my wife will be like doing the dishes in her pajama top shirt, and you'll see like a side tit, and you'll be like How's it go?

There's tigers in here! There's a tiger in this city. Yeah, see? Look, look, look, look, look. This is hilarious. And that's all it is. It's down blouser. So it's like the women are working, and you see their tits accidentally while they're working.

Yeah. And it's like 400,000 downloads. So this girl is sitting there. She's jiggling her tits back and forth. Yeah. And just pretending that she's working and usually they're talking to you like about and just mundane stuff God hate to clean. I really want to suck some cock Like there's a lot of these because it's moments that you get in real life when you see a woman's tit

From a down blouse and you're like whoa, and it's not pervy you weren't doing it on purpose it's very pervy what are you talking about it's a little pervy this is pervy as fuck it's like you can almost see your nipple but not quite oh i just saw it i just saw it i just saw it how come this is on the youtube if you could just see a nipple how come it's only got 16 000 download views people oh there's this is why we need Donald Trump wait. That's straight up again. Yeah They haven't found it yet. It's in the YouTube. Well that lady over on the right with her big boobs That looks like you see her nipples, too Yeah

Like you know that race car video where the girls top pops open She's in a sports car and they're riding fast and she's holding on and then her top pops open There's something super sexy about that and it's not watching a girl gagging a cock. Look at that girl. She's a Jamie. What's going on? Look at her. She's like you wanna see my test. No psych. I don't think so psych It's like almost I'm gonna do an equivalent Blousing an equivalent of this but with cuz it's called down dicking down dicking and it's just me Barely see my dick. Oh, of this, but it's called down-dicking. Down-dicking. And it's just me. You can barely see my dick. Oh, okay.

I get it. I get it. It's not bad, right? No, not at all. This girl. Oh. And you keep going, come on, move. Yeah.

Fall off to the side. Yeah, downblowsings. Brett, you're into some weird shit. I am no shit. What happened? Because I was watching regular porn, and just it just kind of escalated and like it was like Truth be told I was with the dominatrix one time And she showed me some videos and it was bizarre shit

She showed me a video that I was like, I don't get it, but then I got it Whoa, like it was a it was a girl in pantyhose and she was like By the pool and her friend was spraying with a hose in pantyhose and she was like By the pool and her friend was spraying with a hose and it wasn't even like that's all they were doing But it just looked sexy and I was like oh shit. It doesn't have to be Hardcore porn it can just be something hot you know like something where you're like oh fuck and so And then I had that conversation my wife and I was like yeah, I should find stuff that's more Connective hmm. Do you ever look at a girl in porn

and you're like, how did she not how did she get in there? Like, how come she just isn't being a model or an actress? Like, she's so beautiful. What the fuck happened? There's a girl that gives massages. Do you know who the girl I'm talking about? She's got black hair.

I've watched a lot of, I'm going to share this one time. Okay. Because they, you know, they go, would you going to share this one time. Okay. Cause they, you know, they go, would you like to share this video on Facebook? You're like, no, I'm not going to post it to my Facebook timeline.

Hey guys, guess what? I was doing it two in the morning. Um, but, uh, there's a girl that gives, she gives massages and she's all in white.

She wears all white and she is so beautiful. She might be as beautiful as Anne Hathaway. Like that kind of just, she looks like Anne Hathaway kind of. If anyone knows this woman I'm talking about, send me a picture or just send it to Jamie. Don't you think there's a bunch of them? No, there's one girl specifically. Who would have thunk that that would be a market that someone could corner? The massage on you porn.

She's got that down yeah whoever thought backroom casting couch would ever be a show that's a whole thing oh i watch just because i try to figure out if it's real or not i don't think it can be i think you have to sign papers i know but i watch it the same way i watch magician like i'm waiting to see the trick right i'm waiting to see her slip up and go dave seriously and he's like what how do you know my name hmm i think i'd recognize that guy in a locker room hmm yeah just from his voice and his hernia how strange that there's uh that that is a genre like're excited. You're there with him while he's casting these girls. Like, let me see what you could do. Okay, now.

Should I do it now? Yeah, yeah. Get on your knees. And you're like, huh. You're alone in your hotel room. He says the same verbiage every time. So I'm going to send this tape to casting directors. But I think first I'm going to need you to get naked and suck my dick.

And the look on her face, it comes at her so fast. She's like, huh? And I go literally, if if this is real if this is real and it's casted porn stars aren't that good right as an actor yeah as an actor they're not that good well i'm sure if he's made a bunch of them over the years he knows what he can do and not do so you could always get someone to sign the paper after you do all this stuff he should start a youtube channel with all the fails all the people that walk out on him. Yeah, but then you can't use their footage. Or you could blur their face.

Yeah, blur their face. I guess I want to see the... You'd want to see the reaction. Yeah. I don't think you could do that. There's like certain laws. Yeah. And you know the laws are different in different states, too.

Vegas, you can do it. Yeah. You can do a lot of crazy shit in Vegas. That's why they did crank yankers there. Yeah. Have you seen... Oh, shit. What's the...

What's the... Impractical Jokers? No, I have not. It's a funny fucking show. I keep hearing it's really good. I don't like prank shows, but it is a funny fucking prank show. I've never been a fan of pranking people. No, I'm a fan of Doug Stanhope, and Doug Stanhope's a fan of them.

So I take it on by proxy. Yeah. I watched it because of Stanhope. I wouldn't watch it because I don't like prank shows. But it's fucking hilarious. Do you know who used to have a really fucking good prank show? Who? Jamie Kennedy.

Dude. Remember that show? Yes. What was it called? The something x factor x factor no no not the x factor jamie kennedy experiment that's it and he used to say like you got x'd or something like that at the end when he didn't he say something like that yeah jamie kennedy's an interesting guy Because he is extremely fucking talented But he's not working right now Or I don't see him at least I saw him at the store the other day I didn't see his set though

Yeah, you don't hear about him that much Was he on that show? That ghost show? Ghost Whisperer show or something like that? Yeah, because he started dating that girl That girl I think fucks everyone's head up Love What's her name again? Jennifer Love Hewitt Oh, yeah Man, I think, fucks everyone's head up. Love.

What's her name again? Jennifer Love Hewitt. Oh, yeah. Man, I watched her day in the life on MTV, and it reeked of fucking crazy. Like, reeked of crazy. She was like, I bought you a present, to her friend. And her friend's like, you don't need to buy me presents. I like you.

She's like, I still want to buy you a present. Wow. Jamie Kennedy did something. I'm going to put this out to the listeners if you can find this for me i swear to god it would be it would be the biggest gift in the world he did a show with uh uh with stew stone do you know the name of that show stew stone it was called uh getting making it or something they were rappers it was a scripted reality show so it wasn't a reality show it was scripted but it was about them wanting to be hip-hop stars all blowing up blowing up and so

there's an episode where they where jamie's doing a test he's going to do a tv show a movie with tracy morgan and to do to do the screen test he needs to get put in blackface he needs to be dressed as a black man so they they dress him as in blackface. He needs to be dressed as a black man. So they dress him as a black man and he gets all dressed up as a black guy and Tracy Morgan convinces him that he's very convincing as a black guy and that what he should do

is him and Stu Stone should both get in face paint and look like black people and then go down to the 3-6 Mafia show and freestyle for them because as black men free the three six mafia will really appreciate it oh and joe there is a moment where they're driving in a car to long beach addresses two black guys and they're talking to each other

and they're like do you think i mean we're just going to long beach right and then the other guy's like isn't that where snoop's from and then they go into the three six mafia and the three six mafia is like they start rapping and then he goes, it's Jamie. And they're like, huh? You dressed as a black person? And then they go out in front of a fucking audience show. They go out on stage in front of all black people and rap. And how good was it?

Who gives a fuck? I could not stop laughing. It was the greatest thing I've ever fucking seen. And I saw Jamie Kennedy one time at the Ontario Improv. And I was like, dude, I got to take two seconds and tell you how hard that made me laugh. And he was like, yeah, you can't find it anywhere. MTV dropped it and they burned it. You can't get it.

Because he's in blackface. Because he's in black. He is in. He looks so much like a black man. You can't even find an image, a screen grab of that online. How weird is that? How weird is that? But think how strange that is.

I get it that it was for minstrel shows where white men would put on blackface and do these offensive representations of black men, but that's a different look. When they were doing it, they were doing this big thing where they were putting white around their lips. Yeah. It was like really exaggerated.

Do you ever see that, what's this guy's name, Al? Al Jolson. Al Jolson, thank you. Remember when he would do that? Yeah. Jamie, pull up some video of Al Jolson in blackface. See if they take it off YouTube. Do you think they take that shit down now?

Or do you think you can watch it? No, you can't. That actually might be in the public domain because it's like one of the first things. But I would worry that it was offensive, that it violates their terms of service. Oh, no.

No? It's already on YouTube. Okay. Didn't Bill Cosby like take down the Little Rascals? He owns the Little Rascals? He bought the Little Rascals.

And tucked it away. Yeah, but I hear the rapists are going to start airing it again. Really? The people that got raped are getting them. Really? And they're going to start airing it again Really? The people that got raped are getting them Really?

And they're going to start airing them No I'm kidding I'm kidding Look at Al Jolson Holy shit Give me some volume Jamie turn this up a little bit How crazy is this man Mammy?

This is Yeah is this man? Mammie? Yeah. I think this came out in 1927 or something. This lady's crying. Like he's moving into tears. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles

on my mammy. This is so crazy. My little mammy. The sunshine deep. The sunshine west. But I know where the sunshine says. It's on my manny I'm talking about too. He doesn't even do a good impression of a black guy.

Well, maybe black people are different in the 20s. Yeah, but he's using the words that a black guy would use, but he's doing it as a white guy. As a white guy, yeah. Well, it's just really bizarre first of all it's bizarre when you think that that was top of the food chain entertainment in 1927 so less than 100 years ago can you imagine if somebody went to you went to a concert and the dude was wearing black paint on with white stuff around his lips, and he was singing that song, you would think you were in some sort of a weird, abstract,

modern performance art show. You know, some weird, like, alt hipster. Vincent Gallo would do that now. Something strange. But then he wasn't joking around. That was like he was trying to, like, be, what a wonderful song, Al. What a wonderful song.

Like, those people were apes. Like, just from 1927, they were so goofy that that was fun for them. They're like, we're going to go see the Al Jolson movie. That Al Jolson's a hell of an entertainer. I love when he sings. He's got a beautiful voice. He sounds just like them. It was the first talkie. That was the first talkie? First movie with synchronized sound. That one was?

Yeah. Man. They had just all silent films until then. Wow. So that guy must have been balling. I bet he was slinging that makeup covered dick all over town. I bet there's a part of him that was like do I need to put the makeup on?

Man, me. Yeah, they probably wouldn't know who he was without the makeup. Fuck. That would suck. They're like Gene Simmons. You know, if you had the kiss makeup on, you went to a bar, you wouldn't know what's up. I remember watching him in that first movie that he did with Tom Selleck with

the spiders. And I was like, oh shit, that's Gene Simmons? Yeah, he was a bad guy in a few movies. He's still a bad guy. He's a fucking asshole. Fuck him. I hate Gene Simmons. We've covered this. Yeah, you had a bad experience with him, right? Fuck him, yeah. He blocked me now.

On Twitter, he blocked you? He blocked me. Wow. That was the height of his good lookingness. Did you ever have... Tom Selleck. Powerful Tom Selleck and Gene Simmons. Did I ever have what?

Did you ever have... This is going to sound crazy. Maybe this was just Florida. But did you ever have, like, people dressed in blackface for parties and stuff for, like, Halloween? I'm sure I probably saw it when I was young, for sure. I'm trying to remember a specific instance. I can't really. Like, that was a popular costume when I was a kid was being a black person.

Okay. You know what I, I remember a dude did? He played Mr. T. Yeah? So that was a common one, and they would wear a black face, and they would put a bunch of gold chains on. Uh-huh. On Mr. T. And you put, not shoe polish, but like black paint all over your face?

Yeah, you'd have like a fake mohawk. In college, we used to have a social called, we had a couple socials. We had a social called Pimps Up, Hoes Down, where everyone would just dress like black people. I mean, it's so politically incorrect, but that's, you know, I don't think anyone had the insight. We had a social called Oonga Goonga Boonga, and I remember I was the one that organized it. And I handed out, like, makeup so people could put war paint on. And one girl, the guy just took a picture, just put it on black stuff all over her face. Oh, Jesus.

And he was like, I remember her walking out. We just meant to share that paint. She just covered herself with it? There's a picture on my facebook of it i swear to god she posted it herself she's like i remember this party i was like why would you post it of yourself how bizarre yeah she uh but that was like that i don't i remember when ted danson did it and everyone was like oh you're not supposed to do that that's right he was like the last white guy to try blackface yeah like publicly try it they the backlash was terrible and he thought he'd get away with it because he was dating whoopi goldberg and i think he told a

bunch of black centric jokes yes yeah like racist jokes yeah oh ted dancin wasn't there like n-word jokes oh yeah do we have do we have transcript of his act? There's probably a video of it. No. I know there's a picture. I guarantee there's a video of that shit. No. That's not when...

People didn't have videos back then. Or if you took a video, you could just get... Oh, for real? Yeah. I remember watching it. I remember watching a video of it. I think they filmed that event. It was for the Friars Club, right?

Something like that. Yeah, it is a weird ethnic group that you're not you're not allowed to be asian and you're not allowed to be a black guy but if you're a white guy you can become a redhead nobody will get upset no one will get upset nobody get upset if you were black you could dress in white face and no one cares no one cares um but if you're black you can't be a Chinese guy. That's offensive. And if you're a Chinese guy, you can't pretend to be black. That's offensive too.

I used to live with this girl from Peru. And one Halloween, when I moved to New York, this was probably 2000. No, it was probably 1998, 99. And I went into her room at Halloween, and she was dressed like a Puerto Rican. Whoa. But she was Peruvian, and she was like,

all the horrible stereotypes that you would say would be the things that lowest common denominator Puerto Rican woman would do, she had all over her. And I was like, Val, you can't do that. And she was like, why not? It's a good costume, right? And I was like, no, those people exist,

and we'll be around them tonight. Like, can you imagine if someone dressed and went as Valerie? And she was like, it wouldn't bother me. I go, yeah, because you have a good job and stuff. Like, this poor person's getting handed it by life every night and you're dressing as them? Culture appropriation. What did you think about that Amy Schumer culture appropriation? What about it?

Oh, you didn't? Did you know about it? No, what did you think about that amy schumer cultural appropriation what what about it oh you didn't did you know about it no what are you talking about her and goldie hawn did a video of them singing a beyonce song but it's i guess it's the politicized beyonce song okay they shot a cover of them doing a beyonce song and fucking the internet went after her in a hard fucking way. Amy Schumer and who was with her? Goldie Hawn. Okay. So they're trying to be funny? Yeah, I guess.

I mean, it's not very funny. I mean, it's funny, I guess, if you like for, if, I don't know. But the audience went after her because Beyonce's black? No, yeah. And the song is about black women. It's called Formation. Oh. And it's about,

it's the song she did at the Super Bowl where she stepped up on the cop car and Lonnie Love went after her. What'd she say? She was like, I don't know, you can find the Lonnie Love clip, but Lonnie Love starts crying in it.

She's like, she's like, yeah, how dare you take that from us? This is, it's not your story. Oh, shit. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. cultural appropriation is interesting because i've kind of been guilty of it my whole life because i love hip-hop

i don't know what is isn't that being a hip-hop fan like when does it become cultural appropriation when you like when you cover someone's song it's cultural appropriation doesn't that sound weird i guess if you're pretending that that's your life that you're talking about, but clearly she's not, right? She's just having fun singing a song that Beyonce sings because she's a fan, I guess. Isn't that the idea? Yeah. It looks like they're having fun. Just doing it for the fuck of it.

I mean, I'm looking at this. I'm seeing people being silly. What are we really getting offended by? We're getting offended by this? Yeah. Wanda Sykes is in it. They were really offended. I didn't.

I didn't. Not only did I not care, I couldn't sit through the video. Well, they're just being silly. Yeah. I mean, it looks to me like they're just having fun. Who gives a shit? If people are really upset about that, like, come on. I guess there's, I don't know.

I don't know, man. I think we're finding way too many things to be upset with lately. Not anymore. Now that Trump's office. Make all the fucking videos you want. You know what it is, man? This is everybody getting a voice. Everybody getting a voice.

The world has a voice. And they're looking for things to be upset by. And they see this, and they go, I think this is everybody getting a voice everybody getting a voice the world has a voice and they're looking for things to be upset by and they see this and they go i think this is wrong you can't do that you know and they just decide they're gonna go after you can't take that from us like um she didn't she made her own copy of a video she made a like a parody video people do it all the time yeah who gives a fuck It's not It's like It's not like you can't Still watch the Beyonce one And by the way

If you don't like this You can make fun of it Who gives a fuck It's got two million downloads Good But people getting upset by it Not good I mean

Or good Like go ahead Get upset by it But it's just At a certain point in time It gets real weird You know It used to be You could dress like a cowboy And an Indian I buy it. But at a certain point in time, it gets real weird. You know, it used to be you could dress like a cowboy and an Indian.

You can't do that anymore. No. The combo is off. A girl cannot be Pocahontas anymore. If you're a Pocahontas, they'll accuse you of cultural appropriation. That used to be a popular Halloween costume. Can't do it, bitch. You are not native. How dare you, you offensive piece of shit.

You cisgendered, white-privileged asshole. God dang. halloween costume can't do it bitch you are not native how dare you offensive piece of shit you cisgendered white privileged asshole god dang yeah remember when you get dressed as a bum yeah you can't do that anymore cultural appropriation of homeless people yeah yeah we're way too sensitive but that's how this guy got elected that is a big part of it big part of it there's a bunch of factors it's not one bunch of different reasons got him elected but part of it is because we're tired people are tired so my friend matt sent me something that's so hilarious this is a real uh thing that was on uh tumblr where someone was talking about cultural appropriation in terms

of learning languages and that we unless you're chinese you shouldn't learn chinese because it's cultural appropriation really yeah look at this pro tip by the way anybody who says pro tip is a douchebag unless you're joking around and you say pro tip pro tip yeah and then you say something that's really stupid pro tip don't learn a language if you do not come from the language bearers what the language bears the bearer of the language i.e don't learn french unless you're french if you're not french don't learn chinese if you're not chinese don't learn icelandic If you're not Icelandic, it just appropriates culture more. That's fucking ridiculous.

It's awesome. Because it's so silly. It's so silly, I really think that's how guys like President Trump get into office. Dude, I'll tell you what. Obviously, I voted for Hillary, but I get angry. Like, the way the guys who voted for Trump must feel that I get angry when I see stuff that's just absurd. Like there's a video of, uh, that I doubt you've seen, but it's, it's your name's in

it. So I thought you were in it. So I clicked it and basically it's a social justice where you're going to an open mic and doing standup. But instead of doing standup, he just keeps repeating, your jokes are not funny. The insults hurled are real these are real and it's like i think it's got you and jim norton are in the title of it jim norton joe rogan socialist justice justice worry stand up and i was like i came up with my feed on the side what does it mean i don't know so he's just using

the stage he's using out that people shouldn't tell jokes because they're not funny? Yeah, that any joke intended to harm, any joke that has someone else as a target is harmful. And that any joke about anything like racial, sexual, I guess that comedy is not funny. I don't really know. Did you see the, do you know the video? Dude, don't even give it any attention. Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to. Do you know what I'm talking about? funny. I don't really know. Did you see the, do you know the video? Dude, don't even give it any attention. Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to, but you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, and I was like, fucking that, you get, you're in bed and you're like, and then you're sitting upright and you're like, this fucking, this fucking idiot. Fucking guy exists. Well, there's people that find things offensive, right? There's some people that don't find anything offensive. Some people that find everything offensive. And then along the way, there's a bunch of people on the spectrum.

All of them have their own reasons why they have a line that they draw, and then they don't like it anymore. And you're allowed to have a line anywhere you want, man. But when you impose that on other people, that's the only time it becomes a problem if you if you think for some reason that just because some people like a certain style whether it's a style of music or style of art anything comedy is just one thing that people make right if some people like that style and you don't and you get mad at it and then you start deciding that these jokes are harming people and these jokes

are damaging people well first of all every art form whether it's music or whether it's movies every art form is allowed this sort of false with this we we have this understanding that you've created some fiction right we have this understanding that you've created some fiction, right? We have this understanding that this is not necessarily the person who's written this book's exact thoughts on things, nor is it the person who made this movie, who made a fictional movie. It's a work of art, right? They've created these scenarios. These people didn't really die. Nothing really happened in that.

But in comedy, for some reason, you can't say something ridiculously offensive, fully knowing that you know and the audience knows you don't believe it. But when you do do it, it's really funny. Yeah. So there's that weird thing where you'll do something really funny that's super offensive. Like your Karate Kid joke. Really funny. What was it?

About Mr. Miyagi. Oh, yeah. I don't want to give it away. Wait, I don't care. I'll tell it. No, no. Okay, you can. Miyagi. Oh, yeah. I don't want to give it away. Wait, I don't care. I'll tell it. No, no. Okay, you can. You can. I was watching the karate gig.

If you think at some point Danielson's mom would be like, I think this janitor's trying to fuck my kid. It's true, right? I forgot about that joke. It's funny and it's offensive. Maybe that's not a good example because that's actually a logical joke, but Totally logical, but there's many times where you say something that's completely ridiculous You don't mean it all and you only say because it's a funny thing to say yeah

And you know to take that and extract it and to say that that's like a hate crime When you know you know that that person's just fucking around like do you remember when tracy morgan got in trouble yeah because he said if his son was gay stab him people got so fucking mad what's interesting is that there must have been a few people that believed him yeah he's so crazy though tracy's always crazy i've only met him once he's a madman and't that crazy i've only met him one fucking time one story one time that's a great story though i can't wait time i i hope to run into him again i know he's heard the story and he doesn't didn't like it and he was like never happened but i but i can't wait to run into him tony woods tony woods got because a couple people

ended up telling that story a couple like a number of people and Ari worked with the guy that was telling it and saying that it happened to him and so I guess that's what happened when it goes into the ethos and Tony Woods got fucking pissed

because Tony was Tony Woods was there the whole night and Tony's like that's our story I was like yeah I know he was like that's bullshit no one takes our story Bert

and I was like yeah I don't know sorry that's, that's bullshit. No one takes our story, Bert. And I was like, yeah, I don't know. Sorry. That's how that works, I guess. Yeah, wait a minute. How could it be yours? So he didn't want you talking about it because he was talking about it? No, no, no.

Tony was just like, it's other people telling what's something that happened to me and you. How can that be right? But you were there. No, yeah, right. So it happened to you too. No, no, no. He was saying that other people were telling the tracy morgan story oh other people other than me and him and tony called that other thing yeah

he texted me and it was a number of people guy we already worked with a guy in australia told it oh it just became something that people were like well it's already been stolen we'll just all take it that's hilarious yeah and tony was like really upset because he was came late to it you know tony didn't listen to podcasts he does his own fucking thing and he just like really upset because he came late to it. You know Tony doesn't listen to podcasts. He does his own fucking thing. And he just called me one time. He's like, yo, Sugar Bear, I'm in Australia. What the fuck are these people telling our story for? And I was like, oh, sorry, Tony.

Yeah, I guess that happens. In Australia? He was in Australia. And they were telling you? Someone in Australia told it, and Tony was in Australia, and he heard it. Tony, one of the greatest moments it like like we had last night. I Was in DC and Tony Woods came in Tony lives in DC And for these you don't know Tony is one of the greatest comics hilarious guy hilarious guy very slow like

Meticulous like old-school player and so Tony comes in and in the back of the room. He's like Hey, why don't you tell that Tracy Morgan story and I was like is that Tony Woods my wife is there right and I go Tony and he goes yeah I want to hear what it sounds like so I go why don't you come on stage and tell it with me so he comes up on stage we have two mics and I tell my side of the story and he corrects me because you know how everyone's got their side of the story yeah and like i remember it man i remember it very vividly that i was a passerby like i was just hanging on and i was there for this story i didn't really do anything and tony's like that is not how

that happened he was like you and then he said he goes do you really think that he's like the reason he took his shirt off is because you took your shirt off and i was like there's no fucking way he tony remembers it totally different the only thing we agree on is the very end of the story where when he said that's how you get out of paying a check that's the only thing we agree on wow yeah it's interesting how two people can share an experience and it'd be it'd be i mean it's very similar in like the places. Like we went to Madame X. That's the bar we were at. And I told Tony, I was like, start telling it on stage. Tell it. Well, the human memory is super flawed.

Yeah. It's really flawed. They find that more and more that when they're checking out crimes in particular, that the human experience, like memory, is like one of the worst pieces of evidence you could ever have. Neil deGrasse Tyson was talking about it. Is that it's like the, the difference between an actual reality and how people remember it is

sometimes significantly different. Your brain just puts together a narrative and sticks with it. Yeah. And then, you know, if something weird happened or crazy happened, sometimes you're all jacked up on adrenaline and your, your brain just creates some goofy ass scenario.

And then that becomes your memory. That your reality how weird dude we're so malleable isn't that crazy yeah well you ever think of like manchurian candidate type shit like that the idea that they could trick you by putting like a word in your head if someone says that word you fucking snap and you turn into an assassin what Well, it's Pavlovian. It's got to be connected to Pavlovian. Because when my wife's alarm goes off on her phone at 545, Priscilla wakes up. Priscilla gets up and starts wagging her tail and stands by the fridge. She's ready to eat.

She heard Leanne's alarm go off and she goes, now we eat. This is how it. And it's got to be similar like there are things you could say to put me into a mood yeah yeah like uh like i mean immediately when you're like this sounds this is gonna sound silly but i'll get to the when i said i'm gonna grab a beer and you're like grab me one that makes my heart race i go oh we're drinking yeah yeah yeah i'm not doing it by myself. I got a partner. Oh, this is what I like.

Like certain things like that, those are Pavlovian responses. Like when you're like, you want to get high? I get excited. I went, oh, yeah, I would love to get high today. Like when Stanhope, when I see when my phone rings and it's Stanhope, I get excited because I go, it's one of the very few calls I don't send a voicemail. But even the voicemails are 10 million times fucking better. He gave me a fucking voicemail

that I want to play. It's so good. And then sometimes you get one from him and Johnny Depp and you're like, fucking Stanhope's fucking phone calls are the best. So I see his, or Joey Diaz's phone calls. Because you know Joey Diaz's phone call is going to take 16 seconds. What's up? What's up, Tarzan? And then he's Diaz's phone call is going to take 16 seconds.

What's up? What's up, Tarzan? And then you fucking. Get back to me, cock licker. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. I love you, brother.

I'll talk to you later. Yeah. No, we're lucky, man. We know some weird people. Are you nervous about the future now that Donald Trump's president? Do you feel any differently? Because it went down. What did? It feel any differently? Because it went down. What did? It went down.

Yeah, it went down. It went down. Donald Trump won. The shit went down. I was joking on stage this weekend saying that it can't be that bad for me as a white guy. Like, that's the truth. Is that he's got my interests protected. Like, he's a white guy too. Is that he's got my interests protected.

Like, he's a white guy, too. He's not going to start outlawing white guys. And his son's a white guy. And it's going to be tax breaks for people that make money. You know? Mm. I just don't like, like, this is going to, once again, this will sound bad, but I'm in my backyard. I'm doing a press tour this morning in, like, every market.

You know, everybody does radio satellite tours. And the guys that are building my house are all Mexican. And I saw them come to work, and I thought, man, that sucks that what he said about Mexicans, America stood behind a tad bit. And because these guys aren't rapists and murderers. They're the coolest guys in the world that are fucking killing themselves so that I can have a better life. And they're doing it at wages that, quite honestly, are affordable only because they're in fear of losing their stability in this country. So they don't argue or stand up.

And that's kind of how immigrant labor works a tad bit, is they don't have a way out. And I thought, that really fucking sucks. And I saw it for the first time that way, and I was like, these are all really cool dudes, and it stinks that last night they saw that and they were like, we lost. And maybe they didn't see it. I don't fucking know. No, a lot of them did. I know some Mexican folks that were pretty upset.

And here I am, you know, on the winning team regardless. And, like, fucking I'm going to win whoever wins. If Hillary wins, I'm a liberal. I want everyone for good things. I win. If Donald Trump wins, I'm in that camp too. I win there. You know, so. You're a winner, Bert.

I'm the luckiest guy in the fucking world. The whole Mexican thing is very strange because it's really this is why it's really racist it's not like you're dealing with an exorbitant percentage difference in the amount of people that are of mexican descent that commit crimes versus the amount of people that are of american born that commit crimes right we both agree that. It's probably like not much difference at all. But when someone comes here from another country and commits a crime, we look at it far worse than if someone who was born in this patch of soil commits a crime,

you know, we decide that that's a big deal. Yeah. We decide that it's a bigger deal when someone from over there comes over here illegally and commits a crime. Even if it's like the same percentage as just people. You know, if you get like 20 percent of people commit crimes, no matter what, they're immigrant or whatever. You'll look at the immigrant ones as being more significant because they're not even fucking supposed to be here.

Yeah. And they're doing those crimes. It's sliding doors. What if that person had just never come here? That's how people look at it. But it's probably a percentage of the population no matter what. And then it also depends upon what has that person experienced. Like if they're coming from the Congo or some crazy fucking place.

I remember my friend went to high school with some kid. I want to say the kid was from Jamaica. I'm pretty sure he's from Jamaica. And apparently he was a super violent kid. This is his first time in the United States. And he got in a fight with some boy. He went out to his car and he got a fucking giant kitchen knife. And he stabbed that kid right through the stomach in front of everybody. And he cut some other kid and the other kid ran away and he's chasing him with the knife trying to cut him. shit yeah and this is his first days in america they just let him into the school and

this kid went into his fucking trunk and pulled out a knife and i guess that's how he rocked it in jamaica and that was like what he had been exposed to so that kind of situation if you're letting someone into a place legally or illegally i don't know how got in. I don't know the details of the story. I just know the story. But then people are scared because they're like, oh, this person's been living in the Congo, say. Okay. So what is it?

Is xenophobia then based on the fact that they don't subscribe to the same cultural rules we subscribe to? Well, you can say that's xenophobic, or you can say that you're very conservative and nationalistic, and you could look at it as a proud trait. I mean, it's a real touch and go issue, especially right now, because what's going on in Germany and a lot of parts of Europe where these Syrian refugees are coming in and they've opened their arms to them in Germany and it's kind of like really out of

control. Like Germany's had some horrible assault salts and rapes and groups of men that are actively targeting white blonde women for rape well that's the truth and i won't say any place but there are places in this world where the social norm of rape like is rape is a social norm like women just get raped and they believe that's just what happens because they're women and there's a lot of those people there's a lot of those places a lot of those people too there's the sheer numbers of humans that subscribe to that kind of thinking still in 2016 would shock you if you could just look at it as numbers on a board if you just looked at the worldwide population and how many people would accept something like that you'd be like whoa yeah we're just getting rid of beating

a child right now adrian peterson did it and everyone fucking attacked him and i'm sure he was like i just hit him with a switch it was pretty brutal but now but there are places where in this country where you could totally hit a child no one would say anything and then there are places in the world where you could hit someone and no one would say anything yeah and that's where xenop that's part of like if you tried to dissect xenophobia maybe it's that is that you, their social norm is different than my social norm. And I don't want people, I mean, is that, that sounds like I'm defending xenophobia. Well, I have a theory that I've said several times in the podcast, excuse me, if you've

heard it, that's the cradle of civilization. If you go to the Middle East, that's where civilization begins. The oldest written language, the oldest form of mathematics, like Sumer. Like that's, they're responsible for all these different first, first agriculture. Like they, they were like a really, depending upon when you think that human, human civilization was established or whether it was reestablished. But those people back then, that, that was a, a really complicated civilization. And it was like 6,000 years ago. Yeah.

I mean, when we try to think about how long human beings have been on this planet, and how long we've been living our lives and what we've been doing, this is a really, really recent thing. Very. lives and what we've been doing this is a really really recent thing very dude think about this slavery was just 200 years ago yep 1865 black people just got rights as humans in the 60s yeah that's that's so like i like you know one of the things i watched roots and one of the things, I watched Roots, and one of the things that blew me away was that, what's it called when black people talk like black people? It was Ebonics. I remember when Ebonics came out and people, conservatives, were fucking up in arms.

Hey, learn the language. Speak the way we speak. And then I thought, hey, motherfucker, when we brought them here, we didn't teach them how to speak at all. When they were brought as slaves, it was better if they didn't speak English. But you know what the problem with that kind of thinking is on both sides? Problem kind of thing is, first of all, you didn't bring any slaves over here. I didn't bring anybody, yeah. And they weren't slaves.

So both things are fucked up. But their ancestors were, so we're acknowledging there's a ripple. There's a giant ripple effect from being brought over here as slaves. That, to me, that like what we should have done and what we probably still should do is figure out a way and not just that ripple but the poor immigration ripple that's in white neighborhoods russian neighborhoods you got to figure out a way to like get neighborhoods that are like really fucking poor those are traps especially if they're crime-ridden neighborhoods that are really poor yeah we've got to clean those up it's like we have cuts that we just let scab up and fester and we don't treat it and dress the

wound like that's kind of what dangerous crime ridden neighborhoods are they're like cultural wounds and we don't we don't do shit about them because it's not us it's us can't fucking pay attention to that but if presidents did that instead of fucking flying over to afghanistan and dealing with some nonsense that has flying over to afghanistan and dealing with some nonsense that has almost nothing to do with you and me if if i mean you can make an argument that we can intervene in mexico right now you know if you if you really wanted to protect peace and love i mean every time you you go to juarez and you see a bunch of dudes heads cut off they're hanging them from a fucking overpass with some sign they put some cops and chop them up in

garbage bags. You know, there's a good argument that all the drugs are coming from these people too. It's a good argument you go to war with them. They never bring that up. That's right. Never. Never. It's right there. God dang it. You know what fucking sent me through the roof

in this election? Is the media coverage. One of the things that I was i was watching like i was laying in bed yesterday and i was just kind of listening to the thing and they were they were saying statements like well florida's definitely gonna vote uh florida's definitely gonna vote uh democratic because of the hispanic population how rude i thought what an i thought what an ignorant statement to assume cubans and Mexicans are identical. It's really stupid.

He didn't say Cubans are the, he said Mexicans. From my experience, and this is limited, but I did grow up in Florida and I do live in LA. And that's where the difference is Cubans will speak Spanish in front of you. Mexicans don't speak Spanish in front of you. Mexicans don't speak Spanish in front of you. When you hang out with two Mexicans, you're standing and say you're in line or something. Mexicans usually just try to assimilate so they don't raise the red flag. It's all based on the fact that as a Cuban, if you come over to this country, if you step foot on the land, you're automatically a citizen. As a Mexican, they don't want you here.

They want to send you back. Is that the case still? So if you're a Cuban refugee and you land in America? The second you step foot, you're a naturalized citizen. As a Mexican, they don't want you here. They want to send you back. Is that the case still? So if you're a Cuban refugee and you land in America? The second you step foot, you're a naturalized citizen. How weird. And that is the bone of contention between Cubans and Mexicans. And that's why Cubans, when you go to Miami, two Cuban

guys will speak Spanish right in front of you, right in front of your face. And you're just like, are you guys talking about me? Well, Cuba, also Cubans rather, they tend to be more conservative yeah much more conservative they vote very republican yeah very very conservative uh sort of having said that a lot of miami did vote democrat i'm sure i think but i think that's predominantly the jewish population the snowbirds that came down because it started in like broward county and what went down yeah i mean but i grew up in florida cubans were there there's no, there's no limit to just Miami.

Yeah. No. All my best friends are Cuban. Dude, Cuba has an interesting kind of a flair to it, right? Because it's got a different thing than say Mexico. Like you think like their language has a little bit more of a, like a song type of thing to it. They're a little more of a flow to it.

Yeah. They're all dancey and movie and shit, and they have incredible athletes. Fucking incredible athletes. You're fucking right about that. If you were going to do a dance of the two languages, that's going to be more like... I know. But Cubans are like... Yeah.

Yeah, they have a quicker sort of a, there's a flair to those people. We used to say words, we used to say Cuban phrases like, Mostraza, or Que Pato. That sounds Mexican. That does sound Mexican. But Que Pato is like, how gay.

Que Pato, like a duck. Are you allowed to say that still, or is that me? You can say it in Spanish. Oh, there you go. Yeah, you're not racist if you're saying it in Spanish. It's not racist. I said maricón on the radio the other day.

What is maricón again? Gay guy. Oh, you can say that? I guess. I don't know. Hmm, let's see if it comebacks to haunt you. Let's run the gamut. I'll say gypsy, pikey, and maricón and see if I get in trouble.

Pikey is still touchy if you're in England. Yeah. I have a friend who lives in England and their neighbor, uh, their friend actually that lives also in England had a bunch of pikeys move in next door to them. They, they pulled up the caravan, they pulled up the caravan and they just decided to live in this neighborhood. And then they,

uh, there's an open lot. So they pulled into this open lot with the caravan. They stay up to two o'clock in the morning. They start having parties. They start robbing the neighborhood. And these fucking people have these bomb-ass country houses outside of London. And they're just living the dream.

They make this dope-ass house in this beautiful countryside. And the pikey's moving right next door. I don't know. Is that a bad word, pikey? I don't think so. Travelers, I think they prefer to call themselves. I'll be respectful. So the travelers move in.

They pull up their caravans, which are mobile homes. They leave garbage everywhere. They fucking steal shit, and they can't get rid of them. They can't get them out of there because of their culture, like their cultures that they travel around. And so the european government or the uk government has established there's certain like things they're allowed to do and one of them is they're allowed to just like live in a place where nobody lives

that's so arbitrary within reason i mean i mean i'm sure they have like boundaries where you're not supposed to go but next to this guy's fucking house, they were allowed to live. Oh, I'd fucking lose my mind. Apparently, this guy's like this really wealthy guy that bought this insane house out in the London countryside, and the travelers moved in right next door. And they party all night. They have bonfires and shit. Oh, fucking bonfire. Yeah, they beat guys' asses if they talk shit to them. You know, maybe this isn't a good place to have a fire at two o'clock in the morning

they step up and punch that dude in the face and laugh oh nobody can do shit they live a different world they live a totally different life than you or i but they're people people are just so malleable man that's what i was getting at before that's why one of the things that concerns me about Trump is that the president becomes sort of the way the people that follow him he leads the way they sort of fall in at least in some way he represents how we

feel about ourself so if we feel about ourselves like a really you know the wall just got 10 feet higher you know that kind of stuff that could encourage some ridiculous douchebaggery from people that might otherwise be persuaded to to relax and settle in like people might go the other way now what do you mean people might get more aggressive and more shitty now that trump is in office oh dude i got i gotta be really honest with you

trump being elected gave me a lot of confidence. Why? I don't know. I don't know. Because I just was like, I just never thought that would happen. Like, I never thought that would happen. Then I thought, oh, that's right. Crazy shit happens all the time.

Like, crazy shit happens all the time. All the time. Like, I could, like, no, I'm not saying I want to be a movie star, but like, I could be a movie star tomorrow. Like, someone could go. Take a couple of weeks, but. Take a couple of weeks. Maybe take seven months. But, like, a movie star tomorrow. Like someone could go. Take a couple of weeks but. Take a couple of weeks. Maybe take seven months

but like that could happen tomorrow. I could have my own sitcom if I wanted it tomorrow because that could happen because Trump became president and I got a real bounce in my step. Wow. Like anything's possible.

Like anything's fucking. I really thought there was no fucking way in hell that would ever happen. I mean I almost thought last night was a wash and I don't know why we're even referencing the election. And then all of a sudden, Bill Burr is like, they just took fucking Ohio.

Yeah, it was like a war. Like, he took Pennsylvania. He took Florida. Yeah. They're still undecided in New Hampshire. Is that what he was saying? He took Idaho. Weren't they saying that it was kind of down to Alaska?

When he got Alaska is when someone said, he just won. They go, he just got Alaska. He won. But that's the state that nobody campaigns in. That's what's interesting. No one campaigns in Alaska? Well, I don't know. Maybe they do.

But I think for the most part, they ignore it because that's the last state where you get the results in last. It's way the fuck over there. You know, if you're looking at a map where Alaska is yeah You got to go all the way up, and then you got to go left. It's all the way the fuck up by Russia It's way up there dude. Have you gone hunting up there? Yes? Oh? Do the last is amazing except the bugs the bugs are brutal the mosquitoes are off the chain fucking yeah I've seen nothing like in your life. You can't even breathe because they go in your mouth

Yeah, they re and I went fishing we went salmon fishing up there. We did some gigs and We got out of the car to get to the boat and when we got out of the car literally opening the door there was a Cloud of mosquitoes that found us instantly and swarmed us we panicked like little girls Jump back in the car and shut the door We started to change our shoes while we're in the car and with there was a hundred mosquitoes in the car and shut the door. We decided to change our shoes while we were in the car. And there was 100 mosquitoes in the car with us. It's fucking insane. Insane.

They only have like a couple months to live. Yeah. And they all come out in droves. But I'll tell you what I like, dude. I like Alaskan people. A lot. A lot. I like people in Anchorage a lot.

I like people at bars. I like people that you met. There's like a certain feeling that they have. They're more alive because they have to deal with nature. They're more alive because they have to deal with grizzly bears. When we were there, a grizzly bear stumbled into some fucking school. The grizzly bear was walking on the outside perimeter of some school. They were talking about it.

They had to fucking chase it off. Like, what? A giant one, like a big 10-foot grizzly bear was wandering through some backyard area. Moose walk onto college campuses all the time. When I landed in Anchorage, I got in the car from the airport to the hotel and a moose crossed the street on the way to the hotel. Jesus Christ. By the airport.

It was by the airport and I freaked out. I was like, are you shitting me? And he's like, it happens all the time, man. You gotta be real careful if you run a moose when it's rutting. Like now, when it gets cold out, like right around like late October probably, mid mid late October, they

get horny as fuck. And they get super aggressive. Oh. And they get so stupid, like their dick is so hard and they're so fucked up. Imagine if you could only have sex once a year. Just imagine being a person. You could only have sex once a year and when

you start getting towards that time of the year, you start growing weapons on your head. Your head starts growing weapons. You said that on a podcast. So they don't always have horns? No. The antlers fall off. These antlers are actually, we actually looked it up this weekend. They're made out of bone.

I heard this podcast. Who did you do this with? John Dudley. John Dudley. And it was a fascinating podcast. What just happened? What happened, Jamie? I don't know.

What happened? Did we go down? Power surge. And we're still up. Oh, did you just like a light flicker or something like that? We got to get the fuck out of here, man. It's the government.

It's fucking Trump, man. Now that Trump's in order, he heard me making fun of his hair. I want to give two things to Trump. A razor, like one of those electric hair buzzers, and a bag of mushrooms. That's all I need from you, buddy. You can raise my taxes.

Just let me see you eat this bag and do this to your hair. I would love to fuck with his hair. Just shave it off, man. Let it go. There's nothing good going on up there. Good tweets today, though. Did he?

No, no, no. Comics. Oh, what'd they say? Yeah, the ones that weren't too butthurt about it. Oh, there's a lot of butthurt today. It was so ridiculous. Like, come on let it let it play out we'll see what this says yeah like friends of mine who i go who i know are funny

we're just like like just saying just like really not even like trying to be funny about it like this isn't funny there's nothing funny about it you need to have a serious conversation with your children about racism and rape and you're like okay well what about hillary clinton then is that who you wanted in office? Hillary Clinton defended a child rapist. It was laughing about the child rapist being able to pass a polygraph. Do you remember when we were with Norm in the back of the comedy store and he was talking about Bill Clinton's charges? Yeah.

I looked those up. Yeah. Those are fucking legit. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff with, I mean, who knows how much of it is real? Allegedly did a lot of shit. Allegedly. knows how much of it is real like allegedly did a lot of shit

allegedly you know what man who knows but not good none of it's good it's all gross so it's not like if donald trump didn't get in we were out an angel yeah you know anyone of that age set that's that's a weird age bracket because like i'm the Because I'm the generation where when I got to college, they came up with the phrase, no means no. They explained date rape at my age. I'm 44. So you think anyone over 44, any woman over 44, probably dealt with date rape. And a lot of times, there was a stigma, do not talk about it.

You know? Yeah, man. And I'm just saying, stigma, do not talk about it. You know? Yeah, man. And I'm just saying, I'm at the very beginning of it. There's a whole generation of girls my age and just younger that have dealt with it in the same way. But now it's being brought to the forefront and people are coming forward and saying stuff. Donald Trump is what, 70? Dude, I mean, I think he could hit women when he was a kid. Probably.

They probably hit women. They didn't think anything of it. His dad could throw his mom down a flight of stairs and no one would say a fucking word. The flight of stairs is rough. Yeah, maybe. Throw on the couch. Just throw on the couch. Just get off me.

Get off me. You throw him somewhere nice and soft. And like you don't, you decelerate when you let go You know Just like a light judo demonstration If you dated a judo chick Or if you dated Ronda Rousey And she just got mad at you

And started fucking hip tossing you around the house Right to the coffee table Nothing I could do Right to the glass coffee table Like one of those Lethal Weapon movies Just fucking She just grabs you and hip tosses you. We're in the front yard, the sprinklers are going off.

Exactly. Cops are spooled up. Remember that? Lethal Weapon. He used a fucking triangle choke. That was the first time we ever saw a triangle choke in a movie, ever. Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon. He played that crazy guy and he learned from Horian.

He learned jujitsu from Horian Gracie. Really? Yeah. Horian Gracie was the stunt coordinator for that movie. And he helped that movie sort of helped get him in with a lot of Hollywood people that wanted to learn Jiu Jitsu. I realized how effective it was. I loved the party with Mel Gibson. Oh man

just get him drunk and start talking about Jews. Just wind him up. Yeah. Just wind him up. Yeah. Just wind him up. Just go, what are all these Jews and money, man? Man, I don't get it. It's like lighting a bomb and walking away. It's funny, man, because he's a brilliant director. He's amazing.

They're giving him another chance. Oh, here it is. Is that Gary Busey? Yeah, it's Gary Busey. He was on top. Oh, I forgot it was Gary Busey. Shitty jujitsu. There's a lot of space there, boys.

Oh, look at that. He goes for the arm bar for terrible guard. Terrible guard. He gets punched a little bit here, a little bit of ground and pound. This is like something. Watch this. Oh, my God. He goes for the triangle. He grabs it, secures it. Let me see how he handles this here. Gary Busey

should just bite his dick. There are no rules here. Okay, this is a terrible goddamn triangle. He doesn't even secure it underneath the knee. It'd be great if he was just flicking off the crowd like Nate Diaz. He makes mistake number one in triangles. He went with the calf over the instep, touched the calf, instead of go totally behind the knee. It's just not tight enough.

I can do a better triangle. Oh, he choked him to sleep? No. Did he tap? What happened there? He didn't even tap. This is bullshit. What is this? That was a... Let's go back again. I believe let's go back again. Now, here's what you want to do. You want to get an angle, and then

you want to make sure that this instep is underneath your knee. That way it's locked in place. You can't get out of that. See, watch. Go before that. See, watch. Go before that. He throws the leg up. See, this is all sloppy shit. He grabs a hold of his shin, but what he's supposed to do for real is grab a hold of his right foot, pull his right foot down until it locks

underneath his left leg. See how it's all fucking loose and sloppy? Bitch, nobody's getting stuck in that triangle. Pop right out of that posture up and beat your fucking ass. Posture up. Now you're on the bottom, stupid. If you have a triangle, you've got to do it right. I don't know how Horian let them get away with that.

They should have made them tighten that up. What? Is it a possibility that it's just weight class differences? No, no, no, no. It's just a move. It's like you do it right or you do it wrong. When you do a triangle and you got somebody locked up, right? If you got someone's arm in here,

if you do this, you don't have any leverage. You have no leverage. But here, motherfucker, where you going? I wouldn't fit in there. Nowhere. You would fit in there, motherfucker. I'll put you in there. I'll squeeze you to sleep. It's not a matter of whether or not you're going to fit. I'm going to

make you fit. I'm going to make you fit. I'll fit you in there for sure. I'll fit you in there. And if someone like with bigger, longer legs, they'll fucking fit you in there. There's some horrible people to get stuck in their guard. This is my friend Brian. We used to call him Beast. And Brian has the

He's a big strong fucking dude Did a lot of kettlebells and shit He was about probably in the 220s But a real athletic dude And he was all legs And this motherfucker if you got in his guard It was just being constricted with giant bones And huge muscles

Just squeezing the fuck out of you And he would lock triangles in place So if you ever rolled with that guy You needed to stay the fuck out of you and he would lock triangles in place. He'd be, ugh. So if you ever rolled with that guy, you needed to stay the fuck away from his guard because he's just all legs and power. Like the amount of strength that you have in your legs, like people don't even recognize it.

You don't, you don't, unless you have rolled with someone who has developed their leg muscles and the dexterity to pull off jujitsu moves with their legs. Like there's certain guys that get to a point where they get really really good at that When you roll with them you realize like how much you take your legs and you run upstairs

You think of that you take your legs you could have a package in your hand and you could run up the stairs You're throwing your body like plyometrics up these stairs You can't do that with your arms but you're so confident choking someone with your arms oh that's totally fucking true yeah your legs are always you always take advantage of your feet they're always working there think you're you're carrying yourself everywhere you go your body's carrying whatever it is from your waist up you're carrying a hundred plus whatever the fuck it is pounds from you know what your upper body is, right? Your legs are constantly getting work out. If you think about Joey Diaz or here is even better, Ralphie May.

You know how fucking strong Ralphie May's legs must be? Fucking insane. I bet he has giant ass leg muscles. Oh, yeah. He must. You ever see, you know, there's a comic. He's good friends with Daniel Tosh, and he used to be overweight.

And we were doing a voiceover thing, and he lost like 200 pounds. Whoa. But his calves were fucking yoked. And we were doing a voiceover, and I kept saying, his name's Eddie. It's Eddie. He's married to Megan Mullaney. Anyway, his calves were yoked and I'm I kept going and we're in the voiceover booth and Tosh is listening to us do voiceover and I kept going

man your calves are huge he's like yeah yeah he's I go no they're fucking those are ridiculous I've never seen calves like that in my life he's like he's like yeah no I know I got big calves I go no I don't think you understand you have the biggest calves And I'm looking at Tosh's in a sound booth laughing hysterically. And I go, you really should enter a calf contest. Those are the biggest calves. And Tosh gets on the thing and goes, Bert, he used to be 380 pounds. That's why he's got big calves. And I was like, oh, this is uncomfortable.

That's a very good Tosh impression. I felt Tosh when you were doing that. It sounded like his inflection. Sounds like the real guy yeah but you could you know if you have the flexibility

and the dexterity you could do so much with your legs you know your legs control like Marcelo Garcia was one of the greatest Jiu Jitsu players of all time did not have a big upper body

but he had these giant ass fucking legs and he would squeeze the shit out of dudes and control them with his legs that was a big part of his Jiu Jitsu game was controlling your body with your legs.

I bet you would. I used to be able to squeeze my legs. When you'd wrestle with friends, I could get them where I'd put my legs around their waist and squeeze them. And I remember my buddy came and would be like, I just shit my pants. Whoa. Yeah. I took that too far. Yeah.

Maybe that guy was going to shit anyway. I'm going to use this excuse. I'm going to wrestle with Bert and just shit myself. Think about some of the weird shit you did with your friends. My friend Pauly, he whacked a stick against a tree. You know how kids are always doing shit like that? And the stick broke and it went you know, flipped through the air and hit my

eyebrow. Like and cut the shit out of my eyebrow. But like, it was a half an inch from my eyeball. It was like the pointy part of this stick that snapped off after you whacked against a tree went whipping through the air and I think about that all the time. I could have been blind.

Yeah. I could have been blinded and that one dumb move in the woods with my friend who was an idiot who just wanted to hit a tree with a stick smacked a tree with a stick easily went blind from that I thought about that all the time like that one fucking moment at one moment like if I just went like that if I just ducked a little yeah or or raised raised up a little, rather. That's all I'd have to do. Just raise up a little. And it would have went from here to here. All I had to do was move. Oh, that's terrifying. Yeah. I didn't see it coming.

It was like, whoosh, whack, ah! We used to put a hose up our ass and shoot water out of our assholes at each other. That's so not good. It's so not good. You could die from that. We used to do it all the time coli you blow on each other's faces we go into each in new smyrna and you get out of the from surfing and you shoot the hose water up your ass and give yourself an enema and then just shit on each other what the fuck burt what the fuck are you

talking about we came and was here right now come on me. Me, came in and Alan Rieger used to shit on each other. Oh my God. You do it when they weren't looking like you'd do it and you'd hold it in there. Bird doing nothing. I'm not even looking. I hear a hose. I heard a buckle. You just hold it in there and then you just turn around and shit on.

Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck, man? What the fuck are you talking about? It was Florida. Jesus. Everything is Florida.

It goes back to Florida. But you guys did produce Leonard Skinner. Oh, fuck yeah we did. Explain that. You produced one of the greatest bands of all time. Gimme Three Steps is an amazing fucking song. How about Curtis Lowe? The Ballad of Curtis Lowe?

That's a song people don't even talk about. And you know what's even bigger? If you grew up in Florida, you remember that when i distinct i'm sure they did this all over the place but i distinctly remember bringing you could get uh uh metal metal or uh glass bottles if they were worth 10 cents each and i'd bring them back down to the to the circle k by my house and you walk down with like 10 glass bottles on your fingers and walk down to Circle K, get them in, and you buy candy that way. Wow. That's a line he has about collecting old bottles and bringing them down and selling

it. And I was like, fuck, man, I did that shit. Wow. That's a great song, man. It really is. I got into that song once like three years ago. You know how sometimes you go on a trip and for whatever reason, you're sitting on the beach or something like that, relaxing to your iphone uh you know

listening to music or something and you have this one song that just resonates with the moment for me it was that ballad ballad of curtis lowe i was in hawaii i listened to that song like 30 times over the weekend yeah just such a good song you know and this is a this is a little bit of a stretch but i went through a period a couple years ago where i'd all i'd listen to is in excess wow what a great in excess if you haven't played them in a while this is what you need when you listen to yeah it's i'm telling you that album that if you get their best of it in excess it is such a great yeah that guy choked himself out jerking off that's how he died it's gotta be feel good

it can't feel that good and people are dying for it it's gotta feel good no they just fucked up people just like weird shit i watched the movie of them there's a movie of them that that was on and it was I forget what it's called but it was a really great movie and I thought yes got on this in excess phase I was riding motorcycles a lot at the time and I was listening to in excess all the time wow I would want to hear what the fuck is going on around me no I put in noise reduction headsets these little ultimate ears plug them in you're on the highway you can't hear anything anyway it's all fucking windy oh okay your biggest when

you're riding motorcycles all you got to be is like tuned in just yeah you're it's amazing how hyper sensitive you are to every other driver oh yeah you'd have to be when you see those guys zipping in between lanes which is a weird thing to be legal does that freak you out yeah i'm because i've ridden motorcycles, I'm very respectful. If I see them, I give them space. Me too. I move right over when I see them. But sometimes you don't see them.

You hear Harleys, which is real good, but there's some of those smaller bikes. They're just there all of a sudden. You're like, I don't even see. Especially if you listen to shit loud in your car. Yeah. If you're fucking jamming to the Led Zeppelin immigrant song. That's what I listen to when I get in the cryo tank. Really?

Yeah. Come from the land of the ice and snow with a midnight sun. What about good times, bad times? Hammer of the gods. Yeah, that's good too. The beginning of that song is one of the best beginnings of a song ever. Bill Burr calls me up one day, and he goes, you're not going to fucking believe it.

He goes, Led Zeppelin stole all their music. I went and listened to it. It's heartbreaking. It's fucking heartbreaking. They're fucking thieves. Dude, I didn't want to believe it. It's one of those things I was like, nah. I didn't even want to listen. And once I listened, and I go, come on, really? And I called him.

Really? He goes, dude, I can't believe I'm at it. He left a message. This is back when people left voicemail messages. Yeah. Just a few years ago. I haven't left a voicemail. Good luck leaving a voicemail message. My shit's always full.

I don't ever answer those things. Yeah, mine still says I'm out of the country. If you know me, you'll find me. Yeah. I don't need that. You know? Joey Diaz, you can't even leave a voicemail. He'll beat your ass.

I've made that mistake. You can't leave a text message either. You know? Joey Diaz, you can't even leave a voicemail. He'll beat your ass. I've made that mistake. You can't leave a text message either. You gotta call him. Dog! I'll see you call me. I'll call you back. And when he calls you, you gotta return that call. Yeah, you gotta must.

There's no, like, I'll get to it later. Yeah, he's essentially our dad. Out of all of us. He's the elder statesman, for sure. Do you know what my phone does now? Is it gives me a text of what the voicemail says. Yeah, yeah, that's the new thing with iPhones. Isn't that fucking crazy?

It's kind of weird. I'm switching over. I'm going to do an experiment for the podcast. I'm using a Windows laptop, and I'm going to try an Android phone. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to try this new Google Pixel phone for a few months. I'm going to try a Windows 10. Because I look at people at the airport and they have Windows laptops.

I'm like, what do you do on that thing? What's happening on that thing? Is that any different? Are you experiencing anything? 50% of the world interfaces with completely different devices than the other 50%. Yeah. You've got one side using iPhones and Macs. Some people use iPhones and Windowss, and some people use,

you know, iPhones and Windows. It is possible, but they do sync up well together, so oftentimes, somebody has one, they have the other, and then you have other people

that are just using Android phones, and they're using Windows computers or Mac. They can use whatever they want, but Windows computers are a greater percentage of the people using computers in the world

than anything. Yeah. And when you look at them, they look like, they look old. They look like, they have new ones now that. And when you look at them, they look old. They have new ones now that look better where you can touch them and shit, but a lot of them are thick. Yeah. Black.

Yeah. What's a fucking black computer? That's what I bought. Oh, it's silver. I bought a ThinkPad. I bought a black ThinkPad. You know what's crazy? I did this in Philly.

I told everyone to put their phones on the table. Oh, you did that thing. And I went, do you know what I'm talking about? No. I went, hey Siri, set a reminder to watch Bert Kreischer's special at 10 p.m. on Showtime, November 11th. Look at this. Did it do it? Okay, I'll remind you.

Whoa. How fucking crazy is that? Well, that's one of the reasons why I want to try this Google Pixel. Because the Google Pixel has this new thing called Google Assistant that's supposed to be next level. Not only that, it's contextual. So, like, I can say, hey, Siri, call Bert Kreischer. And then, or it wouldn't be Siri. What do you say to the?

It was Daryl. I think it was Daryl. Daryl. What the fuck is that? Hey, Daryl. Yo, Daryl. What up it was Daryl. Daryl. What the fuck is that? Hey, Daryl. Yo, Daryl. What up, dog? Hey, dude.

How old's Bert Kreischer? And then it'll say how old you are, and then you could say, where was he born? And it knows who you're talking about. And it'll say, oh, he was born here. Really? Yeah. What have I seen him in? Well, if you go to his Wikipedia, you'll see...

Oh, shut up. Yeah, next level. Because Siri just takes me to a website. No, next level. It's contextual, meaning it knows what you're talking about. Like, you can ask someone, you can go, okay, when's their birthday? And it'll tell you their birthday. You don't have to say, when is Bert Kreischer's birthday?

It remembers you talking about Bert Kreischer. That's fucking insane. The coolest thing about Siri is that I can just be laying in bed and be like, hey, Siri, set an alarm for 5 p.m. Yeah. And set an alarm for 5 p.m. alarm for 5pm. That's pretty cool, but you could always just set an alarm, you lazy bitch. No, but like if you're laying in bed, you don't like to get up and swipe and enter your password

and find five and I can imagine using a regular alarm clock. When I go to a hotel and I see that stupid thing next to the bed that's flashing 12 I go what is this dumb thing that I have to figure out

everybody has a phone your phone is gonna set an alarm on your phone not only that your phone knows when you switch into daylight savings time and it resets it for you it just happened when I was in New York all the fucking clocks were off and I was like, fuck, I'm late for the taping. And then I looked and I was like, oh, my phone's fine.

Yeah, that did it to me on Sunday. I woke up. I thought it was late, but it was actually an hour early. That was great. Yeah, that hour sleep. They should do that every day. Isn't it goofy, though, that we have to fucking change what time it is because of when it's dark and when it's light?

So that's one of the reasons why those people in alaska superior they reach these stretches where it's never dark yeah they have these weird moments in in july like when ari and i were there we went outside it was two o'clock in the morning and it was like 6 30 p.m out here that's also arguably why there's so much drinking in russia yes because i remember we were there during the white nights, and I remember being like You'd get done your night, and you'd be like it's time to go to bed But you go out and it'd be fucking bright out You'd like go in your room, and you'd have to close all the blinds to what does it get dark it never got dark It's called the white nights. It's long as it lasts 24 hours a day

No, I mean for how long of the year probably a know, I have to ballpark it at maybe like a week, maybe two weeks. Whoa. You're at nature's whim. But a week or maybe two weeks, but then for three months going in, I'd say maybe a month going in and a month coming out, it is well, like I remember walking around the streets at like 11 o'clock at night and it was bright like 5 o'clock in the afternoon Do you remember 30 days of nights? No, what's that?

Fucking great vampire movie that takes place in Alaska The vampires arrive in Alaska when it doesn't get light out for 30 days Shut the fuck up Dude, it's fun It's fucking great They kill the power, start eating people And they're cool vampires They speak in some crazy dead language

they have fucked up teeth they don't have like straight up vampire fangs oh i like their mouth is filled with all these weird jagged tearing teeth and you know what i love also about vampire movies vampire familiars that bitch who sells everybody out yeah there's always one dude who's a bitch who winds up selling everybody out for the hopes that he, that, look, close up on that guy's face. You get to see what these vampires look like. Just go to the full image, view image. Oh, these aren't big? Yeah, there's some pictures.

You'll probably find some if you find some. Well, you can see, that's just sloppy. That's as sloppy as Al Jolson. Mammy! Hmm. There you can tell. That's a good one. That's as sloppy as Al Jolson. There you can tell. That's a good one. That's a perfect one. Oh, shit. There you go. That's a good costume designer right there.

Fuck yeah. Or hair and makeup, whatever that is. Yeah, dude, that's terrifying. Yeah. Tate Fletcher's in Westworld. He's in everything. Have you been watching Westworld? Yes. I got, man, I fucking geeked out. I should have texted him or something. But I'm watching Westworld. He's in everything. Have you been watching Westworld? Yes. I got, man, I fucking geeked out. I should have texted him or something. But I'm watching Westworld

and I see the guy in the fucking cave who's going and I go, god damn it, man. That looks like fucking Tate. And all of a sudden he gets out of the cave and I'm like, shut the fuck up, that's Tate. And I'm like losing my fucking mind. Tate's balling out of control, son. He's working all the time. Constantly time constantly well he's got a

great look there he is you know i'm jealous of his beard it's a strong beard it really is and it's got like curls to it it's it's like it's a perfect beard i wish i had the commitment he well he pulls it off too it like it makes him it defines him better yeah because it's this that's what his beard's like he's eccentric you know he's a beautiful eccentric person he's someone i was lucky like he's he's an example of why i'm happy to have a podcast because i got i heard him on your show and then reached out to him and said i'd love to have you on my podcast and then spent time with him and it was like i i love that guy he's a great guy he really is a great fucking guy. He's a super positive person. Like, super positive, super loving, really good friend.

Always, always love hanging around with that guy. And he's friends with, like, Annie Letterman. You know Annie? He's friends with a lot of people, man. Do you know Annie? The comic? Yeah. Like, he's got friends with, like, he's got a ton of fucking friends.

Who doesn't love Tate? Yeah. Tate's awesome. Yeah, we know some good dudes burke kreischer that's what we gotta do we gotta do uh and some good women too morgan murphy how fucking funny was she last night she's hilarious she really is she's fucking funny man i gotta get her on here expose the world she quote she tweeted last night uh i fucking hate the US I'm so glad I don't live there Hashtag Los Angeles

And then Right after that I started noticing that Cal Exit Cal Exit It's like the Brexit They want California to separate Oh that's hilarious We're the 6th largest economy in the world

And so they were like we could just separate And we'd be our own fucking place Oh that's hilarious. We're the sixth largest economy in the world. And so they were like, we could just separate and we'd be our own fucking place. Because of Trump? Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Who's going to win? Jerry Brown? He's going to be our king? Yeah.

That crazy asshole? Schwarzenegger. We'll bring him back. Bring him back. I'm back. Yeah, man. Give him full reign. It's a look, dude.

The best was last night when everyone started admitting to having crushes on Morgan Murphy. I didn't see that part. Oh, that must have been when you were doing your set. Probably, yeah. Someone was like, Stan Hope goes, I just got to admit, I've always had a crush on Morgan Murphy. And then someone else goes, me too. And I was like, I'm married and I have a hardcore crush on Morgan Murphy. And Morgan was like, I don't know what to make of any of you fucking drunks.

She was probably trying to avoid a gangbang by negotiation. Yeah, she's great, man. She really is funny. Do you remember when she did that Carlos Mencia? Yes. How fucking funny was that? Say what it was. Right after the Mencia beef broke out

where he was stealing and he got caught. By the way, this was crazy. I didn't know that happened in the OR. Yeah. I thought it happened in the main room immediately. Watching it because I've never been to a club like that. But she then said Carlos Menstia stole from me too.

This is a routine that I made in 1939. Something like that. And then she writes something like that. Something ridiculous like that. And then she went into his bits but she did them all like... She took his worst material and did it super deadpan hello my name is morgan murphy i performed the jokes you're about to see in the year 1923 carlos proficia performed them in 2006 judge for yourself but i certainly see similarities i worked very hard on this material specifically the line if you don't chill you you're going to get it. Morgan.

If you don't chill, you're going to get it. So how do we organize these podcasts so we do more of those live podcasts? And when do we do them? How often do we do them? What do we call it? Let's just keep calling it the end of the world. Call it the end of the world podcast. Yeah, it's the end of the world.

The end of the world podcast is just the end of the world. And we're gonna do we'll do live ones like we did last night and we'll do them on a regular basis. Yeah, do it once a month you think? Yeah, but next time we do it we can't just have people just walking in and sitting down and grabbing microphones. It was just too many people as it is and like

Burr got interrupted a bunch of times and then fights broke out between people that weren't even supposed to be there and people that we wanted to be there. So we'll fix that next time. We get Stan Hope to come in once a bunch of times, then fights broke out between people that weren't even supposed to be there and people that we wanted to be there. So we'll fix that next time. We get Stan Hope to come in once a month. Yeah, he'll do. He loves being here. Yeah, he loves.

He flies in. Johnny lives right down the street. Fucking pop in there. Yeah. And doesn't Hannigan have an apartment here? Hannigan has Stan Hope's old apartment. Yeah. So he'll be here all the time.

But we could do those, dude, anytime we want. And we call him the end of the world. Once a month. Yeah. Fuck. Last night was so much fun. And when Stanhope read that note at the beginning where he was panicking about it and he was really super worried. And then I was like, come on, man.

It's just going to be easy. Your response was perfect. It's just, hey, man, don't worry. We'll just hang out and talk. We'll get fucked up. Enjoy it. Yeah, easy. This is going to be easy. I think, man, don't worry. We'll just hang out and talk. We'll get fucked up. Enjoy it. Yeah, easy. This is going to be easy.

I think, man, I'm in. End of the year podcast once a month, I'm fucking in. Yeah, even if maybe not once a month, man. Maybe we do it quarterly. Get people jazzed up for it. Prime people up and have some reason to do it. Yeah. We could do a gang of those.

Those are so fun. And, again, it's one of those things where we're all together like that. We all just start making each other laugh. Like, when we were laughing at Burr, you could see Burr start ramping it up. Like, because he's got an audience of his friends, too, you know? So we got all excited. Got to get Diaz on. Diaz was supposed to come by last night.

But I think he had a spot somewhere at 10 and then was going to shoot over there afterwards but it probably went long yeah but you know it's hard to get him to go out when he doesn't want to we just do it we'll do it the way we like that it was I mean I'm with the way it was supposed to go last night which is like we get the core of like four guys or three guys four guys and then and throw out some invites to guys that we know that would be fun on there. Like Jim Jeffery showing up was great, minus the child. Minus the kid. Yeah, we were like, what? Burr and I were looking at each other like, what in the fuck is going on here? Is that a baby?

But Jim was so confused. He's like, I thought it would be a good idea. Yeah. I'm down for a lot of stuff, but I think less the better, honestly. I think four people is the maximum. I think we were way over the top yesterday. And at times it was so difficult for people not – I think we did a great job considering of not talking over each other. But it was really hard.

Like there was a lot of times when people would start a rant and someone would just shit can it and dive right into the rant. And then they would have to try to restart the rant. And then someone else would recognize there was a weakness. And they'd try to step into it. And it's like, oh, this is bad. You need guys that are good at that. I'm not saying I'm perfect at it. I definitely have flaws.

But I will promise you when I got on that stage, I was not there to interrupt Joe, Bill, Greg, or Doug. Nor are we to you. No one's trying to do it. It's just like you might have something really funny to say. And know, no one's trying to do it. It's just like, you might have something really funny to say and you feel like you've got to get it out now. Yeah.

But someone else is still talking and you're like, fuck, when is this guy going to talk? And then three other people are waiting to talk. Like, fuck,

I'm not going to be able to get this out. I'm going to forget it. It's hard. And noticing when you go, oh, there's a punchline right there. But in my head I go, Bert,

if you recognize that, wouldn't you also enjoy to hear what Greg Fitzsimmons' take on that very recognizable punchline will be? Because it'll be better than yours, maybe. Maybe. Or, you know, either way, he's talking. You know, like, let him rant it out.

There's nothing worse than, like, someone waiting while you're ranting, because then you feel them waiting, and they're like, but it's, and you're still doing it. Like, hey, you're trying to dance with me, motherfucker. You're trying to step in on the dance. Yeah. You know, and when you're in mid-. Like, hey, you're trying to dance with me, motherfucker. You're trying to step in on the dance. Yeah. And when you're in mid-stride, it's hard. And the person around you has to kind of recognize that. And one of the big differences,

the difference between someone who's talking to you and with you. Like, some people are just talking to you, and they're waiting for their chance. Like, when you're done talking, then I'm going to talk. And some people are talking with you. Like, you're talking, and then they go, they go oh okay and then they start asking questions they're talking with you and they might have a rant and they might not they might have something funny to say and they might not but they're having a conversation with you and that's way easier to

listen to yeah see when people just start talking at each other and they're not listening to the other person they're just waiting we're all guilty of that sometimes. Sometimes you just fucking zone out, you know, when you're talking to people. But if you're not engaged, the people listening are going to be aware of that too. So it's going to be weird to listen to. Yeah, it would be weird to listen to. It's clunky.

I can't wait to listen to the podcast. It's up right now? The YouTube version's up. Is the iTunes version up? No? It's still rendering? I have it. Oh, okay.

We're going to upload it when this podcast is up. Make sure it's up by tomorrow morning, because I want to listen to it on my flight. I'm gonna be pissing myself. We'll have it up tonight. Where are you flying? Baltimore. Oh, shit. Baltimore. Wait, what are you doing out there? I'm doing the Comedy Factory? What is that? Where's that at? I don't know. You're gonna have to

Google it, guys. What did Ari just say? I'll have my boy John Rallo come visit you. Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen. What? I don't know. I wouldn't say this out loud, but this is Ari's last podcast. Take a look at that.

You can't say it out loud. No, I mean, I can. I don't think he'd... I don't know if... He doesn't mind sharing his numbers. Oh, he's trying to pull his numbers up. No, that's what his downloads are for 16 hours. That's pretty amazing.

That's fucking amazing. Yeah. Guys, go on Ari's podcast. If you're ever curious of me and our fat shaming. Oh, this is the most recent one that you guys did together? Me and Ari did one, and Ari and I made a bet. Me, Ari, and Tommy made a bet. By January 3rd, we did our BMIs, and Tom and I both registered obese.

But Tom's lying both registered obese. So, so, but Tom's lying about his height, but regardless, he, he's fucking five, nine. He says he's six foot. He's like,

I'm six foot and like a half. You don't think he's six foot, Jamie? No, that's right up next to me. He's close, but no, no, no,

no, no. You ever hung out with Tom? Does he tower over you? No, exactly. But he's taller than me. I'll tell you five, five, eight. I'm only five, eight. He he tower over you? No. Oh, exactly. But he's taller than me. I'll tell you.

I'm 5'8". I'm only 5'8". He's probably 5'10", then. Yeah, I think he might be 6 feet. It's possible. I just don't see Tommy lying about anything. No, he's not. He's not lying.

It's a misinformation he feeds to himself to make himself feel better. Same way he says that I'm fat and he's skinny. No, no, no. He's really honest about that. He even says, like, when this first started, he goes, when this first started, who was fatter, me or Bert? He said this on Ari's podcast. And he was like, me for sure, right? Yeah.

And he's like, yeah. He goes, that's what I think. I was definitely fatter than him. He goes, but he's fatter than me now. No, we're the same weight right now. We're the exact same weight right now. Right, but you might be built different than him. Yes, he has a cop body, and I have more like an Olympic athlete in the 30s.

A cop body. And so our bet is Ari said that neither of us could get to just simply being overweight on the BMI scale. You could definitely do that. Which is like 225. If you listen to me, I can get you down to almost nothing. Then that's it. What would you want to weigh? Like ideally, what would you want to weigh?

It was funny because Tom said, you know, we should be weighing like 190. Yeah. But that, I would look ridiculous. My head would look huge. That is a weird thing that happens to people when they gain weight. Yeah. Your head gets bigger. Yeah.

Oh, dude, I have a size 8 hat. Have you ever seen how big my head is? I can look at it right now. No, no, no, no. Put my hat on. Feel how big that hat is. Whoa. Dude.

This is hilarious. Look at this. The amount of space between his hat and my head is fucking ridiculous. Look at this. Woo. Dude, there's like several inches. Yeah. Like, look at this.

I have a fucking massive head. Look at the space we're talking about here. That's crazy. Between his head and my head. I mean, I'm like, no exaggeration. It's a solid inch all around the front. Yeah. And so.

That's crazy. Your head's giant. I mean, you're not smarter. What? How come you're not smarter? My mom says I am. Are you not tapping into it. Maybe that's what the booze is you're like too much information I want to smart. I want to take I got my I got my high school entrance exam number it registered I want to take my high school entrance exam again and see if I've gotten dumber or smarter. Oh, you're definitely dumber

For sure you it's not that you're dumber, so you forget all the stuff that you had to memorize. I don't remember anything about calculus. You put a division problem in front of me or a percentage of like... Imagine if your brain kept growing and you had an issue and you had to kill brain cells by drinking in order to

keep your head from pressing up the brain from pressing up against the side of your head. The only way you can get past that is to just fucking get hammered every night. Joe. If you don't, you have massive headaches. Or panic attacks. Because I think that's what I'm...

Your brain. Maybe that's what's going on. Your head is so big, and your brain inside of it keeps growing. And that's why you're boozing it. You're just trying to kill the weeds. Kill the weeds. Yeah, and the feeling that makes you feel lonely.

Yeah, kill all that stuff. Kill it. So anyway, here's the bet with me and Ari and Tommy. Okay. So we are going to get just too overweight, which is like 225. Why don't you guys just get healthy? We're going to try. We're going to try.

Why do you say that? You can do it. I can do it. I definitely can do it. 100% you can do it. I totally can do it. So why don't you just do it? I am doing it.

I'm doing it right now. Do it right now. Yeah, I've started. How many beers do you have? Three. Four. Four. That's not doing it. Well, yeah, not right do it? I am doing it. I'm doing it right now. Do it right now. Yeah. How many beers do you have? Three. Four. Four. That's not doing it. Well, yeah, not right now. None of those are diet.

These were extras. Are they? I don't know what that means. Extra? What is the difference? Not really. But anyway, so here's the bet, though. If Tom and I can get to under obese, then Ari has to pay for a trip that the three of us will take. If Tom or I can't get to under obese, whoever can't, or if both of us can't, then we've got to pay for the three of us to go on a trip.

Ooh, I like it. Yeah. You want to be in a bet? Nope. No, I wouldn't bet against either one of you. I'd try to help you. What would my diet be? Ketosis?

Yeah, for sure. 100%. And no sugar and no alcohol okay exactly say if you want to do it sunday i'm starting i'm starting a diet so you the drinking is to squash anxiety yeah for me mostly like when i'm on the road i'm not someone who can just like chill i'm i cannot just sit in a hotel room and just sit there like when i get off stage and i and by the way, and this is going to sound like a lie,

but like I don't really drink on stage. I bring a drink on stage for the first show. I don't touch it because I'm talking for an hour. I'm the only one talking. I don't drink in between shows. On the second show, I'll definitely have a drink, but now that's one drink probably I've had throughout the whole night.

So at midnight, when I'm done working, I'm like'm gonna i'm gonna have a couple beers because i'm done working and then i'm like well i'm not gonna go fucking sit in my room sober i mean that's what i should do but like i definitely so you hit that mini bar no no no no but i'll just sit at the club sit at the club and have a few drinks and then go back to my room not fucking plastered but definitely with definitely with probably 600 more calories than i should have had and that's where the weight loss when i stopped drinking it literally tears off of me now how how long have you not drank for what's the longest time i just just wasn't drinking for three weeks. How much weight did you lose? I got down to

235 was the lowest I got, but I wasn't really working out at the time. How much weight do you usually weigh? Right now I'm 242. So you lost about 10 pounds ish? Yeah, about 10 pounds. Just not doing anything. I didn't even change my diet. I was eating like shit, but I stopped drinking just because we were going under

renovation and I was eating like shit, but I stopped drinking just because we were going under renovation and And I was getting allergies and I got sick and I was like I'm not gonna drink I want to get healthy so I didn't drink and I wasn't smoking pot and then all of a sudden I was like Boring I know shit It's like I'm imagine Imagine watching a marching band, but they don't have the instruments. They just play the tape What I like is long periods of sobriety followed by pot. When I take a long time off, like many days off, and then I'll smoke a little weed.

Then I go on adventures. I can go on an adventure of the mind, or I'll go on a hike. I like to get fucked up and go on a walk up hills and shit like that. Really? Yeah. When I don't do it for a while and then i do it then i get a different feeling out of it yesterday was the first time i smoked pot in probably three months really it must have hit you it was so much fucking fun oh that was good it was

so much fun that i remember sitting on stage it was really interesting i had a like a very surreal moment but sitting on stage and looking at the lights and looking at the people going You know what man? This is why would anyone not love this drug? This is pure joy. I'm happy I feel confident. I feel good about myself Makes you friendly. Yeah, and I makes you a little anxious sometimes What does do that right? I'll give you a little bit of anxiety or a little bit of paranoia Yeah, but yeah that three weeks was recent I didn't drink. But I wasn't working out because I was sick.

But I just lost like eight pounds not doing anything and eating kind of shitty. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you because if you want to drink all the time, it's going to be super hard to lose weight for real. But if you could go back to that, go back to not drinking, if you think you could perform and have a good time and be you, and you definitely could. I don't have a problem performing without alcohol at all yeah no i know it's after the show but even then i mean if you just decided like you wanted to step away from that you could totally do it i would like to i would like to i would really really

genuinely love to be able to smoke pop by myself in a hotel room and not lose my fucking mind what about candy like pot candy like a small dose man i've done it and i sit in the i'm sitting on the couch and i'm stone sober i'm like this is going to be my transition to relaxing and then all of a sudden i feel my assholes mesh into the couch and i'm like i ate too much and then i'm like okay i can't breathe all right you know what i'm going down to the bar i'm getting a glass of wine and i'm gonna gonna fucking relax And then you down there and you're weird and some lady sits next to you Yeah, let's talk to you. You think someone sneezes and you say god bless you and now you look like a Christian Get nervous around you

Yeah Xanax would be the alternative That's the that was my old school way of like just going back taking half of Xanax and going to sleep or an Ambien But that's fucking drugs. That's I mean, there's it's the same same i know adults like several adults that take adderall and ambien all the time a lot yeah that's the combo apparently that's a combo and these guys like this guy if you knew him, very successful tech guy. He's one of those tech guys. And he's taking Adderall every fucking day.

He takes it every day. It gives him an edge. And then he goes to sleep, so he's got to take a sleeping pill. My guy I used to work with used to take Modafinil every day. Modafinil is interesting. I've taken that before, many times. I've taken what's called NuVigil. NuVigil is the newer version. There's Provigil and NuVigil. I haven't taken it. I might have taken Provigil once. I've taken what's called New Vigil. New Vigil is the newer version.

There's Pro Vigil and New Vigil. I haven't taken, I might have taken Pro Vigil once, I don't remember, but I've taken New Vigil several times. And it's weird because it doesn't pick you up like a speed. It's not like caffeine, like you have a crazy buzz, but it's like you're awake. You're like tuned into things. It's actually, it's illegal in the Olympics. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. So it has some sort of performance benefits to it. And apparently, I might be spreading disinformation here, but that's nothing new. Google this for yourself if you want verification. Apparently it was invented as

a performance enhancing drug, but they had to give it some sort of a medical reason that we would take it. And they said, narcolepsy. Because it kind of keeps you awake, keeps you fired it. And they said, uh, narcolepsy. Because it kind of keeps you awake, keeps you fired up. But fighter pilots like it, apparently. Jimmy Kimmel?

Jimmy Kimmel takes it? Yeah. Yeah, makes sense. I mean, that's, by the way, that's... A rumor? Bro information. Bro science. Bro science.

But, yeah, I've heard that he's narcoleptic and he takes... Oh. Yeah. Really? A comedian that's narcoleptic. Can you imagine that? You're on stage and it's... Imagine him falling asleep in the middle of one of his monologues. Mm. yeah really a comedian that's narcoleptic imagine that you're on stage this but they'll imagine

falling in the sleep in the middle of one of his monologues you know hitting your fucking head falling down and hitting your head is no joke that was the hillary clinton story from 2012 that's also what happened to bingo bingo had some sort of a seizure recently and fell and hit her head and she's in really dire straits and stanhope i I think, is flying back to her now. But it was one of the reasons why he was probably a wee bit hostile this Tuesday. He pulled me aside when I got there, and he was like, I'm barely holding it together. He's like, if we have a safe word, if you notice it, to say, hey, Doug could use a shot.

Yeah. I mean, he's keeping together better than a lot of people would. Oh, much better than me. Yeah. Love that keeping together better than a lot of people would. Oh, much better than me. Yeah. Love that guy. I really love that guy. Alright, so we committed to it, Burt. End of the world. So we'll do the end of the world. We'll do it with four people. We'll do it every couple months.

And we'll swap people out. Yeah. It'll be a fucking blast. The end of the world. Life in the store. Alrighty. I think we did three and a half hours, dude. Shut the fuck up. Are you serious? It's after five. Yeah, it's store. Alrighty. I think we did three and a half hours, dude. Shut the fuck up. Are you serious? It's after five. Yeah, it's 510.

Holy shit, man. 505, brother. Yeah, it's 505. Burt Kreischer, Friday night. La Machine, November 11th, 10 p.m. showtime. Do not fuck this up, folks. Set that DVR, goddammit. Get on it.

Thank you. Please, please get on it. And you guys were cool as fuck promoting it all throughout the podcast last night. Oh, my pleasure, my friend. I know it's going to be hilarious. I'm excited that you did it, too. I'm really excited that you're spending more time in stand-up. You know, I just think, well, it's like what we were saying about your show.

Like, your show is fun. I know you love doing it, but you're almost like not tapping your potential as a comic because you're so funny. You got to do it, right? We have to do it. So we got to put in the work. Yes. Anything else?

Tell these people about BurtCast on Twitter. Yeah. I got my note. Like Ari and I have been talking numbers a lot. And so for those of you who don't know, Ari and I are texting our first day numbers to each other just because we are full fucking disclosure. That's a beautiful thing about the friendships I've had based on meeting you a lot of is my friends

we tell each other how much we make we tell each other what our numbers are we so that we don't get fucked or they can get better things all yeah and you got to be honest too it's like i think it's important like dude i did not sell good in cleveland or something about cleveland or yeah pittsburgh was rough for me we open up our lips in in front of each other and go through our podcast and go oh you had him you didn't do well with him. How come? I wonder why. Like, when your numbers were low on him?

Well, what's really cool about podcasts as opposed to, we might as well just keep that song on just slightly, lightly, as opposed to anything else is the numbers are so hardcore. Whereas, like, you get, like, ratings, like, oh, we have a 1.5 on the Nielsens. You don't really know how many people that is. You're just guessing based on this algorithm they created over a very small amount of houses. It's not that many people

you're polling from. It's certainly not 100%. When you're getting a podcast and you see that number, that is 100% of the people that have downloaded it. Yeah. 100%.

There's no ifs, ands, or buts. It's very, I mean, some people might have downloaded it twice if they're crazy, but for the most part, without whatever percentage you have that are repeats,

for the most part, that's unique people. Yeah, Tommy and i tommy me and ari always talk about this and they're the ones that said you need to really focus on your podcast you're slipping on your podcast so i picked it out every wednesday i focused on the guests i only get guests i want to talk to that i'm interested in now i don't do bullshit like uh he seems well whatever just get i need a guest i do guests i want and i release it on Wednesday, and man, my numbers have tripled in like five months. And Ari's numbers are going through the roof. Tom's numbers are fucking sick right now. Yeah, podcasts are exploding.

And we can, people can reach your podcast, how? Burtcast.com. Just type in Burtcast.com. And I'm going to step up to the next level. Step it up to the next level. That's fun. I got to get a Jamie. You got to get a Jamie in a studio.

Yeah. I would love to get a fucking studio. You got to get a studio. I would love to get a fucking studio. Next level. Oh, I'd love to get a fucking studio. God damn it. I need a fucking studio.

Burt Crusher needs a studio. All right, folks. We'll be a fucking studio. God damn it. I need a fucking studio. Bert Kreischer needs a studio. All right, folks. We'll be back. This weekend is the UFC, so I'm gone. Have a good time, and see you soon. A lot of guests next week, so see you. Bye. I can't believe that was fucking three and a half hours.