The Joe Rogan Experience - #882 - Tom Papa

Episode Date: December 5, 2016

Tom Papa is a comedian, actor, writer and television/radio host. Check out his new special "Human Mule", debuts on EPIX on December 9 at 8pm.

Confusion. If you don't get it, you don't get it. They're about subterfuge. And we're live Tom Papa, who has a special this Friday coming out on Epix. Oh, shit! Oh, no way! Oh, shit! What kind of special? You mean stand-up? It's comedy! He tells jokes! He's hilarious! Hilarious and gregarious! So charming. He's a fucking sourdough expert. The Sultan of Sourdough. Where'd you film your special? Cleveland.

Ah, Cleveland's fun. I love Cleveland. That's a good place to do it. I've been going there for a long time, and I love the people in Cleveland. Where'd you do it? What place? Hannah Theater. Yeah?

In Playhouse Square District kind of thing. Really nice theater. And, you know, I've been going to Cleveland for a long time. I like the people there. It's got that good mix of, you know, hopefulness, but grounded in reality. It's making a comeback. It is. That city is really making a comeback.

It really is. Craft stores and craft breweries and nice restaurants. I know. When I started going there, you couldn't eat healthy if you tried. Like, it was just corned beef. And now, you know, 15 years later, there's vegan restaurants. There's all these, like, you know, these noodle places. It's just completely come up.

But, you know, when LeBron left, they were devastated. How crazy is that? That one guy. The whole city dipped. Who throws a ball into a hole. Completely. They took his banner off the side of the building, and it was over. So sad.

And since he came back and then won it, it's changed the whole place. I remember how much they hated him when he left. Hated him. I was like, this is ridiculous. Why are you so mad? The guy had to get some money. But it was real. Yeah.

It was real. There's a difference when you go there now. People, there's a pride. They're walking around. Well, they have the heavyweight champion of the UFC, too. Oh, they do? Stipe Miocic. He's from Cleveland.

He's from Cleveland, too. Yeah. And the baseball team went to the World Series. So they were really pretty cocky. Bad motherfuckers. But they have the Browns, which always- Is that bad? They're bad.

But they had Jim Brown. They had Jim Brown. But they have the Browns, which always... Is that bad? They're bad. But they had Jim Brown. They had Jim Brown. But still, that's in the past. They haven't won one game this year, their football team. How many games

have they played? We're up to nine or ten. Hey, give them some time. They'll work it out. That's like ten games. No,

but I really love that city and I really liked it for stand-up and i figured it was a good mile marker you know you do these specials and it's like okay this is this period you know yeah and uh i figured this is a good place i'd like to commemorate you know my time in cleveland and this material at this point and it was good how often do you like to do specials? This is my fourth. They come every two and a half years. Yeah, it's pretty much the standard number now.

Everyone seems to. A lot of guys were trying to do them every year. Louis was doing one every year for a while. But then he was like, you know what? They're not as good when I do it once a year. They're not. I call them premise pilots. There's a lot, over the last five years, there's a lot of premise pilots, like people just

rushing them out. And it's like, yeah, that's a good idea. Imagine in three years what that joke would be. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And that's the thing. I think even two and a half years, and I try and just do it when it's ready, but I feel like two and a half years is kind of rushing it.

There's jokes. If they stay in your act for five years, it's no joke that that thing becomes something different. They become better. They become better. You find out where the beats are. You find out where the pauses should be. You find out where maybe there were some tags that you developed along the way that led

you in a totally different direction. You're thinking about it differently. There's a confidence that you have in the way that led you in a totally different direction. You're thinking about it differently. There's a confidence that you have in delivering it that's different than you just pushing it out there. But you can't, the way that people digest everything now, you can't wait five years. Yeah, isn't that the issue is that you have a bunch of Tom Papa fans and they would like to come see you again, but they want to see new shit. It's not like the Rolling Stones. You know, if you go to see the Rolling Stones, you want to hear Sy the devil even though they wrote it in 1967 you know i know but you know i go back and forth on that because i'm sure you've had it where you're in shows and you you're at the

end of your set or whatever people start yelling out old bits that they want to see right and there's something i i know that you want to be new and you always want to push and you always want to create. That's cool. But I think it sells these bits short to think that nobody wants to see these again. Because I could watch you do that White House bit. I know it. I watched you working on it at the store. I watched you developing it.

I've seen it a bunch. A bunch. I guarantee I could watch that bit every week and like it and think it's funny. When I worked with Seinfeld for years, I would watch that guy for about seven straight years and I'd watch, I'd hang out and watch, not the whole set, but when it came up to a favorite bit of mine, I was laughing. I was laughing. So I think you can. I think we in our own heads think that people don't want to see this, but they do want to see it.

Some do, but the ones who don't and they say, oh, you're doing the same old jokes. That's so devastating. You got to keep moving. I know. You're right. That does kill you. The people that don't like it, that feeling way outweighs the rare people that don't mind the old jokes again. When I see people after a set and like, you know, in the lobby or whatever, and they're like, we see you every time you come through. We saw you two times last year.

I completely go, my first question is, did you see some new stuff? And nine times out of ten, they look at me like, well, yeah, but it's all great. Like, they don't really care. Like, those fans really don't care. I don't concentrate on those people. Those people are too easily satisfied. I concentrate on the malcontents.

The people that just can't wait to get on Twitter immediately after the show is over. Joe's still doing that White House bit. That fucking premise is so tired. The break-in happened in 2015, bro. Yeah, but that's such a unique, wormy type of a fan. Yeah, but those wormy type of fans, although they're not the happiest, nicest people in the world, they do keep you motivated and in check.

Yeah, for sure. The worst thing that happened to a lot of comedians in the 80s is that they never wrote new material. Yeah. They just kept doing the same stuff. They'd get 45 minutes and just wrote it out their whole career. Yeah, they had a set. Jay Leno still does that. Yeah, he still does.

Jay Leno is a brilliant comedian. If you go back to the early days of The Tonight Show and Letterman, yeah. Leno was the edgy young guy. Yeah. That would come on and was this great joke writer. Very relevant. Sit down. Boom, boom, boom. He put out a Showtime special that I'm aware of that I watched a long time ago.

He might have found that and bought up every copy of it and burned it. Yeah, I've never seen it. Because he doesn't put out anything now. Nothing. When he goes on stage, he wants the audience to have no idea what his jokes are because they can never see him on the internet. They can't find him anywhere. He said that to me once. He's like, why would you

record, why would you put out an album? You're killing your act. Because your act feeds you. Your act is what, why would you just give that away? But it's a different thing. It's changed. I think the media, how people can digest this stuff, has actually changed what a comedian is. But with all due respect, when people today think about Jay Leno, they don't think of the great stand-up comedians today.

They don't think of Jay Leno. Even before the Cosby controversy went down, Cosby was still considered all-time great. One of the all-time greats, right? And Leno was in that ilk at one point in time. He's not considered that. No. He's the Tonight Show guy. Do you think it's because of the Tonight Show?

Do you think if he could have done the Tonight Show and put out more material, he would have? For sure. He has no body of work. Right. That's a big problem. It's everything. There's a lot of guys that are really good that we all know. Like, Duncan Trussell is a perfect example.

Duncan Trussell is a brilliant comedian. He has no body of work. He doesn't have anything out. Right. I know. And, you know, that's kind of where my head is at lately is whatever you're doing whatever you're hustling whatever you're trying to put out there it's all about making stuff it's all about making stuff that you're proud of so you know this is like the fourth one so now i can look back like all right

this is this is growing this is stuff i'm proud of and then if i'm writing something i think i i just want to create as much as possible yeah you know what i mean oh yeah but i also but but there is definitely that side that you know i you know i came up during an era when you didn't just make an album because you could record it on your phone someone had to come and ask you you had to be good enough for someone to say i want to make something with you so i still have that feeling that i'm not good enough that so i don't want to put it out early because i don't feel like it's ready or it's worthy you know what i mean yeah so i try and hold back as much as possible i don't feel like because louis puts one out every year that i have to put one out every year or to be so arrogant that well carlin did it every year that I have to put one out every year. Or to be so arrogant that, well, Carlin did it every year.

Well, that's George Carlin. But even Carlin, I mean, it's hard to talk bad about Carlin because he's dead and he's one of the all-time greats. But there's some. Yeah, some questionable stuff in there. Yeah. Wasn't that good? Yeah, there's some specials where.

Yeah, I mean, he had some brilliant jokes, no doubt about it. But when you're doing a new hour every year, some of it's just not up to the same standards as some of your classics. Like, he has some classics. Oh, my God. The best. Yeah. But, you know, at the end,

he was calling himself a writer more than a comedian. He said, I like to be called a writer. And that's how he was doing the act. He was writing out. He'd be at the Comedy Magic Club with his printed-out sheets, memorizing, like a play, like memorizing all this material to then take it out. And that's a different thing. You can put

that together in a year, but it doesn't have the seasoning, the confidence, the ins and outs that if you just toured with that for three years, oh my God, what it would become. Tours is a big thing too, too man because when i do a theater if i do a theater on a weekend like say if i do friday night at a theater or saturday night at a theater there's a giant difference between doing that and doing like a weekend the comedy works in denver where you're doing four shows two shows friday two shows saturday that's when bits come alive they get those extra tag lines they get those extra you're so different from thursday night first show to saturday last show yeah that first one you're yeah okay i'm doing it you know

people having a good time but saturday you're just you're like a man you could just kick back and just there's this in this natural zone that you can be in that you don't have the you just don't have the confidence you know you have to be out there all the time. And I think that's the hard part. You know, Jay, back to Jay doing the Tonight Show. He was working on that monologue. I mean, he was doing 12-minute monologues. They could have just thrown those away.

Let me just tell you this right now. I've never liked a fucking monologue ever in the history of late-night television. There's not one where I'm like, finally, the monologue. They're dog shit. Just go right. Every joke sucks. They're mildly amusing at best. But he would disagree because he said that Letterman was doing a six minute monologue.

I'm going to do a 15. And people were turning off and going to the commercial and going to the next thing. So he said, if I could keep it, if i could do twice that people aren't changing and i he beat letterman all the time from that segment of the show the the ratings were strong enough and he held on to them this is just his business mind working that he hung on to them and kept them in there and that's why he was number one all this time well Well, it was the Hugh Grant thing. Remember? When he had Hugh Grant on?

And he said, what the hell were you thinking? Right. Which is a disingenuous question. He was thinking, I want to get my dick sucked by this hot black chick. Right. And if I pay her money, she's going to do it. He's just all shucks. Yes.

He knows what the fuck he's thinking. But Jay really thought that the monologue was his thing and that he had to pour everything into it. And he would work on it as soon as that one was over. He would fly off and do gigs in Vegas. He was working on it constantly, sending jokes to his guy, coming in the next day. I mean, to do 12 minutes of new jokes every day, you're not writing your act. You're not working on your act. When you get busy and have other projects and stuff your acts you know

have you seen Craig Ferguson do stand-up I have not he's don't that's what he does now he's like he's a stand-up he's touring now yeah and he was doing it while he was doing the show I don't know how much he did before he did his show yeah but then once he did his show like I would go places and they said, yeah, we had Craig Ferguson last night. I'm like, the Craig Ferguson? Like the talk show guy? I didn't even know he was a comic.

Yeah. And they go, yeah, yeah, he's a comic. I'm like, wow, interesting. Did you see his act? Nope. That's why I was asking you. Because that's what he does now. He just decided I'd rather just do standup.

He's a weird one, man. They didn't get rid of him. He just said, I don't want to do it anymore. I know. He's one of the, and then he's hosting like two different game shows. Is he? Yeah. Where are they?

He's got this one show where it's kind of like two teams, and they do charades against each other kind of a show, and he's in the middle of it. And then I did an appearance on his new show on National Geographic or History. I think it was history and he brought a panel out it was me and lars from metallica and a writer and we had discussed it was like the list like i forget the name of it it was like the list of something and we had to pick like the top five bands of all time and it's just like this funny game show talk show

kind of a thing but he's always popping up and doing that kind of stuff so it'd be interesting to see what his act was like because whenever yeah whenever i hear that my first my first inkling is i was probably telling stories about celebrities you know kathy griffin style yeah like you know there's you ever watch comedians and then they become famous yeah and then they start telling stories about oh this is when i ran ran into so-and-so in the locker room. And, you know, it's all celebrity stuff because they're not living their life. But Ferguson, I had heard that, like, he used to write a lot and he was always trying to,

like, come up with stuff. So maybe it's a real act. Well, the people that worked at the theater that I worked at or, you know, were there the night before, they said it was funny. Yeah. So I would like to see it, see what that's about. But I always find it interesting when people just, they get some sort of a mainstream gig like that and they do it for a while

and they go, oh, I'm done. Yeah. I'm done. Well, he got passed over for Letterman's job. Oh, is that what it is? Is that why he quit? He didn't get that job. That's when it all went down.

Yeah. Meanwhile, that job sucks. Yeah. I'm going. Look look it's a tough job what's happening to colbert colbert nobody likes him anymore everybody loved him he should have stuck with that other fucking job colbert as colbert was great yeah colbert as whoever the fuck he really is i don't like that guy you need it when when he was on he had gaffigan on and maria shriver and they were all talking about how great it is to be a Catholic.

I'm like, check, please. Get the fuck. What, on the show? Yeah. Oh, really? Being a Catholic's amazing. There's a billion of us. I'm like, what?

Really? What am I watching? Because Colbert is like a serious Catholic. Yeah, I knew that, but I didn't know he talked about it on the show like that. It was bizarre. I'm doing that show on Thursday. Bring it up. I'm going to bring it up in the middle of my set.

Show up dressed like the Pope. See what they say. See if it's sacrilege if they get mad at you. Yeah. Just wear the wizard costume. It's a weird job. It's a very weird job. You're basically selling other people's stuff.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. All the time. And you have these other people's stuff. Mm-hmm. Yeah. All the time. And you have these little short sound bites. I did Conan back when he was in New York. And I don't know how many times I'd done the show. I did it a lot. I don't know.

Probably the eighth time. And I was there. The show was over, and Conan's walking through the halls, and he's got his guitar with him. And he comes over, and I said, thanks for having me. It's so great. I love coming in here. He goes, yeah, it's great for you because you get to come in here and do the show.

And then you get to leave and go about your life. I'm here every single day. He starts playing on the guitar. Ding, ding, ding. Every single day. I never leave these halls. Every single day. I was like, it really sunk in.

Was he serious? He was serious. Was he bummed out? Just a little, you know, one of those manic moments of, you know. But that's in New York. Now he's been doing the show for how many more years? Yeah, I did it way back in the day in New York, and he had a punching bag. Yes, in his office.

Yeah. Does he get crazy when he gets frustrated and starts wailing on that thing? Yeah. Fucking network. Wham, wham, wham, wham. I want the Tonight office. Yeah. Does he get crazy when he gets frustrated and starts wailing on that thing? Yeah. Fucking network. Wham, wham, wham, wham. I want the Tonight Show. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's a real gig. I mean, you're just, that's a different life. That was a weird moment, too, in the annals of showbiz history, when they gave him the gig, and then they put Leno on before him. So crazy. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, what is this? Leno's on at 10?

Yeah. And then you guys are cannibalizing yourself. Brutal. You have two talk show hosts in a row. How do you choose who goes on what show? Like, what are you doing? Who did that? Whose idea was that?

Jeff Zucker, I think. Oh, Jeff. I love Jeff. Jeff's a great guy. I know. Jeff gave me my first break on television, but he was... Holy cow, that was a weird moment. Well... I mean, imagine if you're

Conan. Imagine if you're the guy that you get the Tonight Show, your lifelong dream, and then the guy you took it from, they tell you, he's going to go on before you because your ratings are so-so. We're going to put him on at 10 o'clock. Oh! And then you've got to go out there and give them monologue.

How much time went by before they put Leno on before him? It wasn't that long. They don't give you much time. It wasn't that long. I want to say maybe a year. Maybe. But it just wasn't hitting.

Well, it's one of those things where in order for a show to develop, it has to find its legs. You have to have faith in whoever's doing it that they're going to figure it out. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But they don't always do that.

They don't always have faith. And then they put tremendous pressure on you. And then advertisers don't want to spend money because the ratings aren't high enough. So you're bleeding revenue. Yeah. And you have all these producers and everyone's sketchy and everyone has their own idea of how to juice it up. And then they have these producers and everyone's sketching, everyone has their own idea of how to juice it up and then they have meetings and- Pressure.

Pressure. And what's so strange to me in that scenario when it was all going down, when he had his thing in New York, it was locked in, he had his fans, it was solid. And doing the same thing in a bigger studio across the country, it was different. It was weirder. It was airier. Something was- It was also on earlier. There was more expectations. Yeah. It was weirder. It was airier. Something was... It was also on earlier. There was more expectations.

It was more mainstream expectations. Like that late thing is kind of like relaxed. Like Carson Daly was on TV forever and no one noticed. He's still doing it. You just kind of get away with it. You're on at 2 o'clock in the morning. Everybody's like, hey, we're good. See you tomorrow.

No one cares. We're still doing it. Ford's still buying time on that show. Everybody's like, hey, we're good. We're good. See you tomorrow. No one cares. It's like, all right, we're still doing it. Yeah, Ford's still buying time on that show. 2 o'clock in the morning. This is not a diss on Carson Daly at all. He's a very nice guy. No, but it's being protected. You're protected. You don't have that pressure of being in that thing.

I was there for the very early days of Conan. Because my friend Amir was one of the writers on a Conan show. So I went to one of the third or fourth tapings ever when they had the monologue scripted and they had it on giant cue cards. It was really gross for the audience because right behind Andy Richter would be someone holding a cue card

and behind Conan would be someone holding a cue card. And it had Conan, Andy, and then the word. Yes, the words they would say so they would have a scripted like this conversation were happening yeah would be scripted weird bizarre it's like that like as if there's a bizarre right after you and now you now you go it's funny you mentioned that because our next guest is weird as well so somebody had to go up to Conan and go, listen, we need to script your monologue. And then we need to script your dialogue. We need to script your banter.

We need to script everything. We're leaving nothing to chance. Just that. It wasn't good. It wasn't good. It was very awkward in the day. And I think he found himself and became like this sort of zany, fun guy.

He is still super creative. It's still, I mean, it's, you know, not that many people see it as compared to the old days, but they're always doing original funny stuff. Like, it's alive, you know? I don't know how you keep doing that for that many years, but it is a... I guess that's his job. It's still a unique, really funny place on television for sure. It's his job.

I mean, that's what he does. Yeah, that's his thing. That's his gig. Yeah, it is. You know what else is awkward too? Here's the thing that sucks the most about those shows is that you have these six, seven-minute segments where you just sit down and you just kind of force a bunch of subjects into these.

He had Burr on the other day. And in one thing, there was like this really awkward segue. What about the NFL? I know the NFL bothers you. He's like, what? Like they were just talking about Trump. And then they just switch gear. Like super awkward segue.

Yeah. And you're looking down at the card. Yeah. Just jumps right into it. I'm like, oh, I guess you got to. Yeah. But, you know, I really feel as a comedian, that's why comedians are the best guests on those shows. Like, you should just sit down and go.

Just go. I watched Rodney doing The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Did a six-minute set, you know, standing there doing his thing. All right, great. And then he walks over, sits down. And then four minutes, Johnny asked him one question, and just went he just joke joke joke joke joke and oh really yeah joke joke joke good night everybody i mean that's your job why do we have to make this look like it's a conversation right especially with a guy like rodney he was just that's where he was in

his element oh just rapid fire oh my, my doctor, let me tell you. You know the story of Rodney? How he took more than a decade off of show business, but the entire time he was writing jokes, but he was selling aluminum siding and shit. Yeah, didn't he keep the jokes in a briefcase or something? I don't know, but he just kept writing. So when he came back and started doing stand-up again,

which I believe was in his 40s. Yeah, it was in his 40s. it was his 40s he had massive amounts of material amazing i heard that he is this true have you ever heard this that he had switched acts with another comic no that he wasn't going anywhere and his buddy wasn't going anywhere and they switched acts did you ever heard that no no no i never heard that yeah i don't know i don't know if it's true or not, but what a funny dude. Well, apparently the respect, like no respect at all. God damn it. I'm trying to find out what movie it was that caused him to change it from, it used to be

like, I can't catch a break. Like he had an early tagline. And then he changed it to, i don't get no respect i got no respect at all no respect at all and then clicks see see if you can find out the origin of that jamie that's amazing there was like a specific reason why he went to from like this one catch yeah to respect fuck i'm trying to remember who told me someone who's like a giant Rodney fan maybe it was Dave Smith was it Dave Smith the comedian that came in here maybe so at some point he was saying things just don't go well for me yeah something and it wasn't it just wasn't isn't that weird

just those little words just wasn't catchy and get her done get her done really I mean get her done is a classic those things are just catch. Well, I remember when Chappelle could not go on stage because dumb, drunk white boys would yell out, I'm Rick James, bitch. Yeah. It was always white guys, too. Because they were so hooked on it. Hooked on it. I know. Sorry, Dave.

So sorry, white guys, too. Because I'm a white guy myself, so but that was a giant problem like he would I saw him at the House of Blues in Vegas and literally the show was a clusterfuck because people were just yelling out I'm Rick James bitch it's weird like it's in the one side it's like

people love you so much but the other side is like you're killing me well that was a saying that people love to say they just love to say, I'm Rick James, bitch. So they would just see him right there, and they just want to yell it out. I want to feel it. I want to feel that sound. Yeah, Sacha Baron Cohen, right?

How long is he walking around? Like, my wife. Yeah, right? Right? I have no catchphrases. When I was a young comic, I watched a guy. I opened for some guy in like Virginia it was like one of my first road things ever and this guy was really hacky and he had a line in his act and then

he would sell the t-shirt with that line oh god and then he was also getting drunk you know as before the second show and he did the second show and brought the t-shirt out at the end and there was like no response because he had because he was so drunk he forgot to do the hacky bit to sell his T-shirt. I saw that and I was like, I don't care how much money he's making him sell these shirts. I am not going down that road. That's a big thing, though, for road guys is merch. Huge. Gotta have that merch.

They go nuts with the merch. People love merch. I'm such a bad businessman. I just feel like it's all about the show. It's about the show. It's Gotta have that merch. They go nuts with the merch. People love merch. I'm such a bad businessman. I just feel like it's all about the show. It's about the show. It's about me on stage. This was great. I can't go to the lobby and start making change for 20s.

I can't do it. I can't. I've sold t-shirts at one or two shows ever, and I sold CDs at one or two shows ever and then I'm like I can't do it anymore right what is that why I can't do it either these people already paid to see first of all today they could always get your stuff they could always go online yeah and who wants a physical copy of anything anyway right a DVD or something like what the fuck what I don't my computer doesn't even have a slot for it that's right you know exactly you ever see what uh pablo does no not pablo um gabriel gabriel no not gabriel all those mexicans it's the third one

it's a third one the other one george lopez no your guy the big controversy guy the uh minstelia he records his set and then he has a guy, his opener, when he's done, good night, everybody, the opener comes up and does another 10 minutes while on this disk drive, they burn all of these little, what do they call them? Thumb drives. Thumb drives of what you just saw. So you can buy the original set of what you just saw on your way out. That's smart.

Then he has another guy, takes pictures, and sells those. You can get a picture taken with a guy. I mean, it's a huge business. Yeah, the picture taking is gross. Huge business. Charging people to take a picture is gross. Yeah, and then they put it in a laminate. You can have like a degrees.

It's like going to see Santa. You can get one copy, or you can get the thing in the laminate with the snowflakes on it. I kind of feel bad calling them and stealing it again. Like, I'm shitting on them while he's down. Because I should just let it go. But the photograph thing, like charging people to take a photograph, there was always that. He always did that.

He always did that. That is just gross. Just take a picture with people. They're nice. They want to take a picture with you. It's not hard to do. I don't mind going out and talking to them and letting them take their pictures and just saying hello to people. I just can't get into the selling thing because you know i hear you if you're

sensitive about your work and you get through the set and you've done you put everything you had into it and you think they had a good time let's not judge each other for another time on the way out of the building you know what i mean yeah let's just have a nice moment let's not make it oh now he wants me to buy a shirt from him yeah would it be nice to just say hi to people too and not have to take a photograph because like i mean i know i understand that people want to take photographs and i'm happy to take them but it's like that moment and then becomes this pose instead of like hey what's up how are you nice to meet you yeah right exactly you know like everybody like people can't meet

anybody anymore everybody Everybody has to you have to immediately get your phone out. It doesn't matter what you're doing. People want to take, like, I went to see Honey Honey and Gary Clark Jr. the other night. Late night show, midnight. At the Down and Out in downtown LA. And while the show's going on,

we're standing there watching the show and people were grabbing my arm trying to get me to take pictures with them. I'm like, stop. I'm not taking a picture. I'm watching a show. I love that beginning of your special. The first thing you said was, put your phone down.

Yeah, because they're standing in front. Put your phone. You're in your special. Literally, the first thing out of your mouth was, put your phone down. It can't be in the moment. It was great. It was great, bitch. Yeah.

Meanwhile, I take videos of clark when he's on stage the other day i know it's all part of the experience but i wanted to promote them too did you see what six he explained oh the origin of respect here it goes i had this joke i play hide and seek wouldn't even look for me to make it worse you look for something to put in front of it i was so poor i was so was so dumb. So this, so that. I thought, now what fits that joke? Well, no one liked me was all right. But then I thought a more profound thing would be I get no respect.

Hmm. That's not totally true. Because there was a movie. There was a movie about some movie that had something about respect in it. His Wikipedia says it's about pretty much the same thing, that it came from appearances on the Ed Sullivan show. Mm-hmm. And that this is almost the same thing. He tells a joke right here.

No, I'm sure. I'm sure. But someone told me the history of deciding respect, that it was based on some movie that was famous at the time, like maybe even a mob movie. It's weird. Like when you look at that list of- God damn, I It's weird. Like when you look at that list of- God damn it, I hate not remembering shit.

When you look at that list of comedians, it's like Tim Allen had the ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah. And then, you know, everybody does have a little hooky thing. It's weird. Kenison had the oh, oh. I'm not- Yeah. You might be a redneck.

Oh, yeah. You might be a redneck was giant. Yeah. You know? That was one of the first bits I saw him in CS Steel. Really? Yeah. No, not- Oh, yeah. You might be a redneck was giant. Yeah, you know. That was one of the first bits I saw him in CS Steel. Really? Yeah. No, not a redneck.

Oh, yeah. No. Oh, yeah. Ow. Pre-internet. How? 94. Oh, my God.

Yeah. That's when I realized. I was like, what? Yeah. I'm sorry. Your family tree does not fork. It was one of those. Really?

Yeah. I was like, holy shit. Oh, my God. Yeah. Sorry. Your family tree does not fork. It's one of those. Really? Yeah. I was like, holy shit. Oh my God. Yeah. I feel like the, the taking the picture is kind of better than talking to them though, because I always find like, I want to, they'll say something about the act or something. And then the first sentence is great. Be like, oh, it was really funny.

I love when you did the thing. Oh, that's good. I've been working on that. And then I want to talk real about it, about the act. And then I always find myself like, they meet you, and they're like, oh, this is great. I get to talk to them. And then you start talking, and then they end up

slowly walking away. And you're like, I've been really working on this bit, and I'm having a hard time with the tag. Boring. And then they just kind of drift away like, oh, he's not as much fun as we thought. Oh, you mean you didn't just make that up on the spot? So I feel like if they take a picture, we'd get through it and move on. Yeah.

Well, Jamie and I do this thing that I stole from Steve-O. Steve-O's idea. It's a great idea. Steve-O takes photos, but then you have to go to his website to get the photos. That way people don't fumble with their cameras and their phone. I tried that once. Because the phones take fucking... Nobody knows how to use their goddamn phone.

Oh, take my picture. How does this work? You give someone an Android phone, you might as well give them a fucking thesaurus. Give them a book to read. I know. Nobody knows how to work a fucking Android phone. I tried to do it. I had my buddy take pictures, and then we posted them on the line, and they could go

get them. First of all, everybody was so... Then you spent the whole time saying, can't I just take it with my phone? No, this is how we do it. You got to hire a security person to say that. Hire one of the security people at the club to say, put your phones away. The pictures will be available online tonight. That's the only way to do it.

When you're doing thousands of photos, though, there's only one way to do it. Yeah, if you're doing that. That's why I sit in the back and eat a salad and wait for the second show. That's a good move, too. I know. That's a good move. I know. Depends on where you're at, too, though.

Yeah. Do you like comedy clubs, or do you like working theaters? Like this place in Cleveland, how many seats was it? It was about 600, 700, something like that. Yeah, that was perfect. Perfect size. I did the Fillmore in San Francisco. That's where i did my special which is smaller than that that's like 450 450 yeah perfect yeah that's good it's a good size that's perfect but it's not as good as like the comedy works because the comedy works is a low ceiling like oh yeah had a high ceiling low ceilings are where it's at man those little jammed up like original room at the comedy store rooms people don't realize what that energy is such a real real thing it is

a real thing given back and forth you're riding this there's a it's not a mystical just it's a real i'm getting from them i'm giving it back we're playing with this energy that's why if you do an outdoor show it sucks because it's just poof yeah it's just evaporating it's going up like smoke one thing did you have any hecklers no I had three out of four shows people heckled really three out of four and they weren't even being mean they were just they wanted to talk they just wanted to get on this and I love you I even asked people for the show I said I'm filming here.

Please don't yell at anything. They still did. People got so mad at them. People were so mad at them. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then it creates this riff. People are like, shut the fuck up.

Oh, Jesus Christ. My taping. Yeah. No, my people were a little civilized. Maybe your people are more civilized. No, they're middle-aged women. Oh, is that what it is? You get a lot of that? I get a lot of family people.

MILFs? A lot of MILFs. A lot of side boob selfies at the end of the show. Drunken, lipstick on their teeth. Oh, my God. Their husband's taking their picture, and they're squeezing your ass as they're taking it. They're squeezing and then clawing your back, doing the finger thing on your back to let you know they're interested. Ooh, I'm excited.

It's a nice moment for a married man. Yeah, like, ooh, a little thrill. Go back to your hotel room. Somebody still likes me. Put a little pop in your masturbation that night. Ooh, what about her? Yahoo! That's it.

That's sleeping pills for comics. Yeah, but no hecklers. It was pretty smooth. It was pretty good. Yeah, my crowd's a little wild. Maybe two. Maybe I need to calm down. No, they're passionate.

I mean, when you play me live, when you just do live, then you probably don't care and you just mess with them. Sometimes, but you don't want them ruining bits, and that all the time that's the worst fucking idiot ruined chris rock's bit the other night at the comedy store oh really oh my god chris rotted this rock had this bit about cops and this guy just fucking interrupted and and then chris you know chris was joking around with him at first and then the guy interrupted again and then chris is like you dumb motherfucker i'm doing jokes up here like what are you doing man and they wound up kicking the guy out and as they're kicking the guy i was like whoa i can't have an opinion like you

fucking no you can't you can definitely have an opinion you don't want to interrupt a performance like there's a agreement the audience has an agreement okay the agreement is you're going to sit there and you're going to see what this person is prepared yeah right no yeah this person's prepared but he came on stage with a fucking notebook but that's prepared things but that's the that's the you know that's the illusion that we create if you're good it doesn't it sounds like it's just happening it sounds like it's in the moment it doesn't sound planned out So they think that they're in the moment with you. Well, Rock is so opinion heavy. Like Chris Rock's premises are always like, he's a master at taking a controversial premise, taking a controversial point of view, and then bringing it around.

When at the end of it, you're just howling, laughing. Yeah. Because he's figured out a way to like, he's right. He's right. I know. He is the master. He's got some bitter divorce shit too. Woo oh i've been waiting for that to come out i've been waiting for that to come out i don't know if he had a prenup

seems like he didn't oh really yeah it seems like there's a lot of a lot of fucking uh a lot of fuel god he was just talking about how much money the lawyers make and the wife's going after all of it. It's just, oh. Brutal. And he was talking about how that's why he's touring. Really? Yeah. He's like, I got to make some money, man.

Oh, God. Which is, look, if you've developed a nest egg, like obviously he has. Yeah. And all of a sudden you're getting divorced. Phil Hartman tried to explain that to me once. I was telling him to get a divorce before his wife shot him in his sleep. He go, I go, just give her half. He goes, it's not half.

He goes, it's two thirds because the lawyers take a third. It's a fucking scam. He was just rabid about it. Oh my God. I didn't think of that. I was like, oh yeah, the lawyers. Because they do. They don't work for free. Oh, my God. I didn't think of that. I was like, oh, yeah, the lawyers. Because they do. They don't work for free.

No, of course not. You're paying for your wife's lawyer, too, fuckface. You pay for both of them. Brutal. You pay for the general of the army that's fighting against you. You pay for that general. Oh, God. General is trying to rob you of your resources.

Yeah, and you're writing them checks. And you've been selling out arenas your whole life, and they want most of that. They want the house that you sleep in. They want everything. They want to take away memories. They want to steal the very foundation of your happiness and prosperity. Could Joe Rogan have everything go away? Your kids are fine.

Your relationship's cool, whatever. Let's take that element out of it. Let's just take the house, the cash, the bows and arrows. It's all gone. Could Joe Rogan go live in, let's just pick New York. This is not a city question, but let's pick New York. Could you go live down by Washington Square Park in a studio apartment, have your act, have your fans, go do your thing, and kind of be okay with a low bank account? Or at an age now and you've had stability, do you feel like that would freak you out?

do you feel like that would freak you out? Well, it would definitely freak you out if you all of a sudden, like one of the things that I've sort of relied on is not needing anything. So by not needing anything, everything I do, I do because I enjoy it. Right. So like if I do stand-up, I do it because I enjoy it. If I do podcasts because I enjoy it, if I do the UFC, it's because I enjoy it. I enjoy the money. Don't get me wrong.

Sure. But I'm not needy. I'm not in a position where I'm worried about my next check. I need that stuff. So if I got to that, I don't even need that stuff. Like, need the stuff is kind of, like, if you have a car and you can get around, if you've got food on the table and your family's taken care of, everything else is kind of bullshit.

It's nice. It's nice to have a good couch. Like, look, we have a 70-inch TV. Ooh, this is nice. It feels nice, but. Watch Westworld on a 70-inch TV. It's nice. Look how big it is.

Ooh. But ultimately, what really counts is, are you nervous? Are you nervous about your bills? Right. Because, like, do you remember that feeling? Yeah. That's a terrible feeling. I know.

Worried about where that's going to come from and what you're going to do. But you still have your act. You can still go make money. But we're going to put you back at square one. We're going to put you in that studio apartment. Would you be cool with it? Studio's kind of small.

Like a four-bedroom house with a yard and some work. No, but honestly, the big thing, and this is such a cliche, but the big thing is, do I still have my friends? Mm-hmm.

Do I still have all the same friends? You do. If I lived in an apartment building and Ari Shafir lived next door and Duncan lived down the hallway and Joey was over the other side, I'd have a great time.

Yeah. If we all lived on the same floor in the same building, I would have zero problem with that. If they knocked on the door, hey, man, you got any weed? I'm out of weed. Yeah, come on. That would be no problem at all. It's like how much different is that than when you stay on the road in a hotel?

Right. Because a hotel is like a studio apartment. Yeah, you're right. A good percentage of our lives we stay in a studio apartment. A lot. I know. I bring it up because i really i was thinking about it and it's like if it all fell apart like you grab you grab

on to your lifestyle and what you're doing so hard but if it all for whatever reason washed away and you still go perform and you still had your friends at this club you could go see what it's it's i could totally do it i could totally go back to I have clothes that fit in this big of a closet. Yeah. And just and just keep doing what I'm doing. But in those circumstances, I 100 percent in some ways, I think you're you'd be lighter. You'd be right. A lot of people do believe that.

And a lot of people do go towards that minimalism life where they give up everything yeah my friend steve maxwell he's a uh a really a world-renowned fitness trainer strength and conditioning coach for a lot of pro athletes a lot of fighters he lives out of a duffel bag oh i saw that guy i saw you interview yeah he he used to have a big house right and he had a gym in philadelphia he had a gym in Philadelphia. He's one of the very first American Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belts, and he had this gigantic gym where he's teaching. And he's an interesting guy. And then he just decided he got divorced.

And he decided, you know what? Fuck this. And he goes, I'm going to live out of a van. And he got a camper van. And he lived out of that. And then he's like, fuck this van. I'm just going to keep traveling. Really?

And now he just stays in hotels everywhere. That's amazing. And that's what brings it up. It's the divorce. I see it. Yeah. I don't think,

I don't think willingly I would do it, but if something was thrust upon me. Like if you got divorced. Divorced. Yeah. Or some, something.

I would, I could go back. I could be like. But you're thinking about it so much that you brought it up as a subject. Is this something you wonder? Yeah, not as far as the divorce part of it, but just the simple life. Yeah.

Yeah, because I've built a life that's bigger and more complicated. And I, you want to know what it was? Last time I was in here, I had this back issue where it was like shooting pain down my arm yeah you had a cervical issue right yeah and i was going to uh this really great cairo guy i was doing cupping i was doing all of this kind of stuff and it was just making it worse i was just in worse yeah i was in i was in pain for like a year i was like in pain greg rogel you know the comedian greg rogel he tells me he had really debilitating lower back pain and he read sarno's book yeah i read sarno he's like just

read it and i got into this big fight with him in the southern uh and uh noam who owns the comedy cellar he's calling him a crack and it's a crack pot and it doesn't work and all this stuff and greg is like just please read it just read it just read it and it's you know a crack and it's a crack pot and it doesn't work and all this stuff. And Greg is like, just please read it. Just read it. Just read it. And it's, you know what it is. It's just basically about that you're carrying, your brain wants to go to work on something simple like pain in your body rather than deal with issues of stress and anxiety and anger that you carry all the time. And basically just realizing that that's where the pain is coming from. Don't have to solve the anxiety or the pain or the anger. You just have to be aware.

Okay, brain, I know what you're doing. I know what you're working on. It just kind of alleviates that stress. And then the physical manifestation of not having oxygen go into your, into your into your muscles and stuff starts to slowly release and just it it's gone it's gone it's i have no pain i have no how long did it take after you read the book and adopted the principles like a month and a half really yeah so a year of pain and then a month and a half of adopting these principles and like what does he tell you to do like what are the exercises that he tells you to do he says just live don't just uh live your life exercise whatever you were doing do it don't live timidly don't think i can't run now i can't do yoga now because i've got a neck issue do it live your life don't live like in this preventative way of i can't move or i'm gonna

mess up my my body so what does he tell you about physical issues? What if you have a herniated disc and it's pressing against your nerve and it's causing your hands to go numb and your arms atrophying? He says those are very rare cases. That's not that rare in my world. I know. Well, yeah, you're right. But he says it's very rare cases where there's a real pinched nerve kind of a problem. That seems like crazy advice

i know a lot of people that have like real issues like real physical issues it's not a rare thing i don't think to have like disc issues are gigantic yeah because people they don't strengthen their spine enough they don't strengthen their core enough and they wind up doing something they yank it and they hurt it and then they try to work around it and they wind up re-aggravating it and then it gets worse and worse you're saying that a lot of times you'll have um you'll have like your disc will be bulging a little bit or whatever these little imperfections are and we all have these imperfections in us but when you are stressed and the muscles are tightening around you and becoming inflamed because you're carrying this stuff that you're not working through. Everything's constricting around it, so then it's going to aggravate that, and that's going to become a bigger problem.

I definitely think that's true in some cases. But there's, like, there's legit, like, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about this with the same sort of a thing. And I was like, that's all well and good, but I know people who are very light and happy people who develop a legitimate back issue it has nothing to do with stress that they're carrying around it has to do with the soft tissue that protects your joints bulging out yeah and contacting a nerve look there's a zillion of us out there and i'm sure there's all different issues for it. But back to your original question of why am I thinking about simplifying and all this kind of stuff? I am a pretty light, positive person, very optimistic, very, I kind of live in that world. But when I just started reading the book, I'm like, are things really pissing me off?

Am I stressed? Do I have anxiety because I live in this house? Because I'm trying to do these things with my career because I'm trying to always do this because I'm carrying children and parents and all of this stuff. I'm trying to make everybody, I'm just, I don't know, maybe just realizing that and thinking about it. No heavy meditation on it. No, just being aware that maybe that's where it's coming from i'm telling you over a month and a half the pain slowly went away and i don't have it hmm yeah that is interesting so what like what was bothering you before like i know that you're you know you're successful and you had a television show for a while and you've got a bunch of projects going on. You're always doing stand-up and specials.

So you've had a lot of success. You've got a lot of great stuff going on. What was kind of chewing at you? I don't know. I'm not really 100% sure of what the source is. But I do feel like I have a lot of people on my back, and it's all quiet. It's all in my head. You know what I mean? A lot of people on my back and it's all quiet. It's all in my head. You know what I mean?

A lot of people on your back. Yeah. I've got a wife. I've got kids. I've got pets. I've got family. I've got... You feel that...

It's a weird way to bring this up, but is that... How much of that, like having a wife and having kids, obviously there's going to be compromises and there's going to be stress that comes along with any sort of relationship. But do you feel like it was tipping more towards the negative than towards the positive? I don't think it was. I think I just... The whole experience to me seems positive. My relationship with my wife is great. The kids I adore.

I feel like it's all positive. But I do carry the burden of everybody's worries and everybody's well-being all the time. I was working on this joke in my act before I started thinking about all this stuff. I had this moment when I was standing in this house i moved to this bigger house it's a really nice house it's a bigger bigger home and i was shutting off all the lights this is what i was working through on stage i was turning off all the lights one night and locking the doors for all the bad people that are coming to get us and everyone's in their beds and the

cats asleep and the dogs asleep and everybody the lizard's asleep and it just all my responsibility washed over me like everybody every living thing here is is uh depending on my success if i don't keep going if i don't keep succeeding this everything here changes everybody's little life everybody's perfect little existence it's all washing over me and i can't tell anyone about it i could tell you the audience but i can't go sit on my daughter's bed at two in the morning when i have that feeling honey do you ever do you ever feel like you just can't do it anymore you ever feel like you can't you just want to stop you just want to take a break this whole thing about waking up my daughter with my fears i can't do

that i don't tell my wife that stuff i don't tell my kids that stuff i just carry it so when i started reading this book i'm like maybe i'm just taking all this really seriously and feeling like did you feel extended with the new home? Is that it? Because a lot of times I have a friend of mine who did that recently. He bought a big place and he can afford it, but kind of, you know, it's like, okay, think about this now. He was, I'm a, I'm a big advocate in never doing that.

Like, I don't think you should ever buy a big place unless you're like, Hey, we can get a nice place now and not even think about it. It no we're totally cool we can do it and it's you know i had a really small place for a long time and did all the right things so it's the outlay is no different from my little place before it's all cool but when you walk into a place like that it just feels bigger it just you know the first time i bought a home ever i had this little place in studio city it's a little you know i just i remember laying on the on the couch like i don't know if i can do this i gotta sign this paper and 30 years is a long time every time the mail came for the first year that i owned a home i thought it was gonna be a notice saying you've got to get out of there now you know what i I mean? Yeah. I just was fearful about it.

Mortgages are weird, man. It's like, here's a bill for 30 years. Right. Yeah. That's heavy. That weighs on you. Yeah. So that's what just brought me to the feeling of like, well, maybe just going back and living

with my wife in that little studio apartment in New York again, wouldn't be so bad. Kids would freak out. The kids would freak out. Kids would hate it. The kids would have to be gone. Fuck this. Dad, you need to be more successful. Yeah.

Right, exactly. Just take your pressure like a man, bitch. Right, exactly. Why'd you downsize? Who cares if your neck's crooked? Son of a bitch. Who cares if your arms go numb? I want to go to Berkeley.

Carry things with your teeth. So I don't know i mean because it's it was a little self-aware moment because i do like i said i'm i feel like i'm pretty carefree but why the hell was my neck so well i think that was something that resonated with sarno's book and i remember uh howard stern talking about it yeah he had a similar situation I definitely think people carry a lot of tension and then that tension sort of manifests itself in physical pain but what I do is I do difficult things I like to do difficult things that are way more difficult than comedy so if I'm doing jujitsu or if I'm bow hunting or some of the workouts that I do, they're so much harder than anything like stand-alone. Right.

Just yoga class. Just a fucking 90-minute Bikram yoga class in 104 degrees when you're going 100%. I put 100% effort into every pose. Yeah. I'm fucking pouring sweat. It's the hardest. It's so difficult. When you do that, it seems to me at least in my with my fucked up brain that

other stuff doesn't bother me it's not your fucked up brain i equate this anxiety to stopping yoga i did yoga for i don't know eight years and i haven't done it in three oh get back in there man and i'm telling you i used to walk around like the biggest advocate. I'm like, no, once I started yoga, no stress here, no pain here. But when you started giving those pains, why didn't you just get back in? I don't know. I'll tell you what, I have no idea. I don't know what the real answer is, but in my head it's the classes from 9 to 1030, and that's when I do my best writing, when the kids get out of the house and I can write in the morning.

Oh, okay. That was my lame-ass excuse. You just got to force yourself. Yeah. I force myself. Just try and write some other time? Yeah. You don't sit down and write, right?

Oh, yeah, I do. You do? Oh, yeah. Oh, you do? I thought you were a stage guy. No, no, I'm a stage guy, too. Yeah, well. I'm a firm believer, like martial arts, I think that you need to do, I think you, like

if you wanted to be a mixed martial artist and you only wanted to work on your skill, I think you're doing yourself a disservice. I think you need to do strength and conditioning as well. I think you need to do drills as well as spar. Right. I think comedy's the same way. I think writing on stage, and I think there's a bunch of aspects that over the last few years, I like to think that I've kind of gotten my own way of doing it.

Everybody's got a different way, obviously. Everybody's got a different style. My own way, though, is a bunch of things. One, socialization. I need to socialize. I need to go out with friends. I need to go have a drink or smoke some pot with my buddies, and we start laughing and goofing around about things.

Meet new people. Talk to some interesting person. Like that's one of the things that I really like about podcasts is you get to talk to interesting, cool people. That kind of socializing leads to new pathways of ideas get expanded. What made you think? Did you think of that or it just happened and you look back like that was a good thing to do? I remember thinking somewhere along the line, God, I come up with a lot of great ideas for bits when I'm having fun with people. Like having fun with friends or even with people I don't even know.

Occasionally you'll meet someone that's really cool and you enjoy talking to them and then you have these cool conversations. You see this perspective from a stranger that's interesting and they say something and then it fires something in your own brain i think socializing is big and i think that's one of the reasons why really really famous comedians hit a dead spot later in their career because their their circle becomes very small because they only trust certain people and they they kind of get anxiety about hanging out with regular folks and just going out there. Yeah, they get isolated. Yeah. They drive limos everywhere.

They live in a mansion. They never get to meet anybody. Yeah. So socialization is big. Activity is big. I need to do things. Right. I need to go places.

I need to see things. I need to travel. I need to do a lot of different things. Right. I like to try to get as much activity in as possible. But physical writing to me is a must. I sit down in front of my computer and I write.

I write all the time. And I don't necessarily write jokes. I just write. I write shit and then the jokes come out of that. Premises come out of that stuff. More essays. One of my favorite parts of stand-up is just being by myself and writing. Just that part, that mining.

You're just mining. Exactly. And then once in a while you get this great stuff that comes out. A lot of times nothing comes out. That's the biggest challenge of writing is getting out of your way and not beating yourself up if everything that comes out isn't great. Most of it isn't great. I think one of the biggest challenges of writing is discipline.

That's one of the biggest challenges. Because most people just don't, if you're a writer or if you're a comic and someone, there's no one telling you you have to do it. Yeah. Because you have this open-ended schedule. Like, you could have gone to yoga from 9 to 10.30 and you chose to write. Right. And you might have chosen to write because yoga is too hard.

You might have decided, you know, this fucking writing is too difficult. I'm just going to – or yoga is too difficult. I'm just going to write. I mean, it could be one of, you know, either possible reasons. Yeah. It's – no, I should do both. Fuck, man. You said, you know, I always try with writing also to not be so rigid like

there was a time when i could only write on the computer in the morning up until 10 and it's like that's stupid sometimes i don't have my computer sometimes i just have a pad and i'm in a coffee house after doing radio at 11 so why not do that so my thing now is I just make myself sit down for two hours at some point. It doesn't matter if it's late in the day, at night, whatever it is. That's like your workout. It's like you've got to sit. Just sit. Do you ever write on your phone?

Yeah. You know what's amazing about writing on the phone? If you have an iPhone or even there's actually a lot of them now. I use notes. Yeah, notes and then dictate Notes. Yeah, Notes. Yeah. And then Dictate it. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Is it accurate? Oh, super accurate. Really? Yeah. You never tried it? No. Check this out.

I'll show you. Right here. See right here? Press that button right there. This is the iPhone. I got an interesting story about this. Are you in Notes? Go up.

Yeah, that's in Notes. Watch. I press the voice thing. Tom Papa's a bad motherfucker. Bam. Wow. Amazing, right? That's in notes. Watch. Oppress the voice thing. Tom Papa's a bad motherfucker. Bam. Wow. Amazing, right? That's so true.

This dude, he writes in the morning when he's supposed to be taking yoga. His neck's all fucked up and he doesn't know why. But he's a good guy and he's hilarious. Go see him this Friday on Epyx. Thanks, Joe. Bam. Salarius. Yeah.

It's all right. It's not perfect. No, but that's pretty good. Meanwhile, what the fuck is salarius? I know. That's a pretty badass word. Meanwhile, it keeps dictating while we're talking. It's getting this whole... It just said what the fuck is salarius.

That's pretty great. Do you do that when you're driving? Yes. That's how I do text if I have to, if I'm driving. I try not to do that, though. What I do when I'm driving, this is a big one for me is i turn the phone upside down and i put it over there i don't have it near me when you're driving yeah it's too creepy it's like too many people are fucking driving and not paying attention and they crash into each other i know it's the worst it's way too common so bad i fucking every time i'm on the road and i see

someone weaving in and out of traffic i see the light of their phone shining in their eyes and they're trying to text while they're driving. It's so dangerous. I know. And my daughter, my older one, is 14, which means she can get a permit next year. Like 15 and a half. Does she text? She's not crazy phone. She's like a normal kid, but she's not like really obsessed with it.

But I just, it scares the hell out of me. Once they start getting in relationships. Yeah. When things get so. Yes. So crazy. Fucking all the, the energy involved in relationships for young kids. You think about a young kid.

They go from being 11. Where hopefully there's no fucking at all. Yeah. To 15, where that's all you're thinking of. Yeah. Just in 40 something months. It's nothing. And then he doesn't call you or like you or there's a problem and you're waiting.

You're checking your phone every two seconds to see the response. I want to die. And now you're driving to go pick up milk for your mom. Yeah. And you hear a ding. And you reach over to check it. Boom, hit a tree. I can't.

Yeah. My neck just started hurting again. Oh, your arm's numb. Massive, massive fucking hormones raging through your body, telling you to get pregnant, telling you to get someone pregnant. Could you imagine if we had phones when we were going through puberty? Could you imagine? All the dick pics that you would have of you out there.

Oh, my God. Wait, the begging. The begging of girls. Just show me something. Do something. Please. Take a picture of it. Please.

My God. We'd be out of control. I don't know. How would we? But on the other hand, you'd be wiser. Yeah. Because you'd be able of control. I don't know. How would we? But on the other hand, you'd be wiser. Yeah. Because you'd be able to Google things. I mean, how many bullshitters did we know growing up that just would lie and make stories up?

Oh, my God. Yeah. Those people are out of business. I know. But not necessarily. Have you been paying attention to fake news? Yeah. Big time.

All the fake news stories? Big time. It's crazy. Yeah, big time. who's still friends with that Dennis Hastert guy who was the Speaker of the House, who's absolutely a pedophile. Yeah. Absolutely a confirmed serial pedophile. Admitted. Yeah, admitted.

So the fact that that guy's friends with that. And then also Andrew Breitbart apparently in 2011 made a tweet about Podesta being a guy who helps people who fuck kids. Yeah, and it was like he made this crazy tweet about him in 2011, which five years later, after Breitbart is dead, it's very interesting to read that tweet and say, well, what did he know about Podesta before all this spirit cooking and all this craziness came out with the Hillary campaign? Right. He fucking knew something, you know, and this is, yeah, like pull up the tweet.

This is from 2011. How prog, prog like progressive guru, John Podesta isn't household name as world-class underage sex slave op cover-upper defending unspeakable dregs escapes me. Now, this was, of course, when Hastert was about to get convicted. So he's been friends with Hastert forever. Hastert, by the way, was the fucking speaker of the house. Yeah. And he had been fucking kids for years.

So anybody who doesn't think that it can reach, you could be a pedophile and cover it up and reach high levels of government, you are mistaken. So it is possible. Penn State football program. Exactly. But that guy obviously wasn't government,

but did work with a lot. I mean, he had a goddamn charity. Yeah, a lot of people trusted him. Sandusky would work with young kids and take them on the road and fuck them Yay, monster. I But the point is like fake news this Podesta thing in this hat I mean who knows what's real what's not real is my point because like this fake news thing is What people are calling pizza gate

yeah this whole this comet pizza thing so some guy walked into that comet ping pong place uh yesterday with a loaded assault rifle and uh an ar and fucking shot around in the ground and the building pointed a gun at the uh employee and demanded to know like where the sex dungeons were really yeah because he he was convinced that they're they're fucking kids in this place oh my god here's the thing with the fake news i had this discussion with uh with my daughter actually and um we were talking about like how are we just entering an era where you're never going to know what's real and what's not. Things are going to be so sophisticated on both sides that you're never going to be able to parse it.

And she had a great point. She said, you know, when we do papers at school, and my wife, who's in college now, when they do papers for school, they have to, because of the Internet and because there's so much stuff, you have to provide the sources for where your information is coming from when you're writing these papers. You have to have a legitimate source attached to any of the facts that you're putting in there so that they know that you did the research and stuff. And there's, point being, there's like real there

will always be really legitimate news sources where you can cite that people agree that this is a uh a place where it's been um filtered or not filtered but it comes from a newsworthy source you can't just spew stuff and just put, you know, such and such website and have that pass in an academic setting. Right. You know what I mean? That little way of parsing the truth will probably end up being the way that we all parse the truth. I agree with you to a certain extent. extent. I think that legitimate studies and things that were done by legitimate researchers where they have peer-reviewed studies and everything's been vetted out. But news sources

are so suspect now. What we saw from this past election, whether you support Trump or whether you support Hillary, support anybody, what I saw from this election is very little unbiased truth. What I saw was a lot of, whether it's pro-Hillary or anti-Hillary, pro-Trump or anti-Trump, I saw a lot of editorial influence. And you saw that on television. You saw that in the New York Times. You saw that in the Washington Post. You saw that in what we would think of as legitimate news sources without bias. They're not. They're just not anymore. And there's certain people that felt like, as a person with their own point of view and perspective and thoughts on the burden that one carries by having a voice, that it's imperative that they get out what they believe about a certain candidate, especially with Trump.

It could be slanted, but there still is, did this thing happen or not happen? You know what I mean? Did that tax return really, was that information, did we all see it? You know what I mean? You can slant things, and Fox can push their things. That's dangerous. Even that's dangerous because you can take one aspect of it and completely ride it into the ground and make it look like... Here's one thing.

They kept harping on about all these conspiracy theories about Hillary being ill. Bullshit. She falls asleep while she's standing up. That's ill. Right. She's not healthy. That was editorial influence on the fact of her being an old lady who fell down in 2012 and got brain damage, cracked her head open, was literally, according to Bill Clinton, was convalescing for six months.

This is his perspective on it. He said she was in real bad shape and it took her six months to get out of it. There was the WikiLeaks emails that showed that she had a seizure in 2015. During the presidential campaign, she's at that 9-11 memorial. She passes out and all those six security people scoop in and catch her because they were quick. Like, it's fucking happened before. Right. Like, this is not an unusual occurrence, I don't think.

Right. I think they did a real good job of covering it up, but there were so many media stories that were talking about the conspiracy theory of her being ill, or that there was so much, so many people were latching on to her health. Yeah. And obviously she showed in that debate that her health was fine. First of all, she's on drugs. They put her on modafinil. That was another thing that was listed in the WikiLeaks. She's taking Provigil. She's taking this stimulant that they give to fighter pilots to keep them from falling asleep.

It's a drug for people that have narcolepsy. She's on this. So yeah, that's probably why she looks stimulated. She's artificially propped up. So this, to me, was a big sticking point. It's like, I'm not anti-Hillary. I'm anti a lot of the things she stands for, but I'm not pro-Trump. I watched that and I was like, well, you're not being honest with me.

You're not supposed to fall asleep while you're standing up. If you fall asleep while you're standing up, there's a real problem. And you shouldn't be doing anything. You should be in bed. You should find out what's wrong with you. You definitely shouldn't be running the world. Right. Just propping you up.

I really felt like every time you'd see her walking out towards the podium that the biggest worry of hers was not tipping over. Yeah. Did you see her fall in the jet when she got to the top stairs of the jet and she tipped forward and went fucking on camera? Did you ever see that, Jamie? I never saw that. Pull that video up. She can't walk.

And why was Trump sniffling so much? She probably had a little bit of a cold. The fucking guy was working all the time. I don't know. Maybe he does coke. Are you worried about sessions coming in and ending all of our pot fun? Look at her. First of all, she can't walk without holding onto that railing.

She's clutching that thing. Well, that's hard for everybody. Bullshit. She gets to the top. She's slowing down. Look, she's slowing down. That's a lot of steps. She's probably all light headed.

All right, here we go. She can't walk, bro. So funny to watch people. This is not good. None of this is good. Fall down. It happens. Get the fuck out of here.

It doesn't fall like that. Sometimes coming off the stage at the comedy store, I have to make sure my foot's planted. I turn around and I go like this. I'm fine. It's hard walking around. Bullshit. That was a lot of steps. Nopeshit That was a lot of steps Nope That was a lot of steps

My mom couldn't make it If you want to run the free world Well your mom shouldn't be president She's like Hillary's age She shouldn't be president I think physical health is something that you should take into consideration When you have an unbelievably stressful job That looks like it drains you like a vampire sucking onto your neck.

I couldn't believe both of them were still standing at the end. I mean, it was so, when you think about the travel and the speeches and the pressure. Gruel. Both of them. I mean, really. He seemed fine. Yeah. He seemed fine.

He did. When he gave that last one at 1.30 in the morning in Michigan or whatever it was. He was like six that day. And he's just like And he just kept going. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what he's taking. All on fast food. Yeah.

He's eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. Fucking taco bowls. Taco bowls. I remember that picture when he was eating a taco bowl and he goes, I love Hispanics. I'm like, what in the fuck is this life? I know. He says, I love Hispanics. He's eating a taco bowl in the office where he fucking runs his empire.

I'm like, this is madness. That picture. Look at that. Oh, God. Look at that. The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics. That is so crazy.

It's so crazy. The whole thing is insane. Meanwhile, he didn't even eat that. He pushed that aside and they brought him a fucking ribeye. Sessions is going to come in and end this pot fund for the nation. Do you really think so? That's what they're saying. Yeah, that's not what they're saying.

Yeah, it is. No, no, no. I've read all the articles. It's all speculation. And it's based on his past statements. I think you read the fake ones. Maybe. Go ahead. It's based on his past statements about marijuana not being for good people and also based on what he could potentially do as the attorney general. However, Trump has said that he's going to leave it up to the states.

I think that Trump is a populist, and I think that the last thing Trump wants is people, more people, especially the potheads, rallying against him and saying this is preposterous. rallying against him and saying this is preposterous. If you look at the actual fear that people have about marijuana versus the physical effects of marijuana versus the potential revenue gain by these states, look at what's happening in Colorado. Real estate sales are up 14%. Drunk driving is down to the lowest rate it has in decades. Violent crime is at the lowest rate it's been in a long time.

There's so many positive benefits to the marijuana legalization movement. It's amazing. Isn't it amazing when you walk through Denver, the change? Prosperous. Oh my God. It's amazing. I went in and I went to one of the shops

when I was performing there last month and I just wanted to go do it. I wasn't even looking to get high. I just wanted to walk in and buy something legit and walk out and just see what that was like. How often do you get high? Very rarely now. How about right now? Want to do one?

I do, but I can't. Can't? What are you going to do? I got to pick up kids. I do it so infrequently that if I do it, my day's shot. Well, you know how we were talking about difficult things that make life easier? One of the difficult things I like to do is edibles. Yeah, you know, it's funny.

In your special, you actually talked about the gummy bears. Yeah. And I bought gummy bears when I was there. This is how out of it I am now. I used to do it every day, and now I haven't for a decade. I'm so out of it now that I got back to my room with the gummy bears and was like scared. I don't know how much do I take. That's the whole point though.

You're supposed to be scared. You know what I mean? I really believe that they're like running an ultra marathon or something. Like you should be scared when you take those first couple steps. Like Jesus, what am I getting myself into? Yeah, but it's, I don't know. I'm old school, I guess. I like to see it and crumble it's i don't know i'm old school i guess i like it i like to see it and crumble it and puff it and know exactly what i'm doing that's nice too

but it's a different thing than the eating it the eating why do you like the eating it because it's scary before that reason yeah i like the journey i like it it makes me feel super vulnerable and it makes me feel uh like really in tune with any weird distractions I might have in my psyche, any weird bumps in the night that are haunting the back of my brain. It just drags them out. Like, get out here in the front. Pulls them in. Put the spotlight on them.

Click. Tell me what's wrong. They're like, oh, you're going to die. Oh, everybody dies. I just want to get high and watch Narcos. That, too. I like that, too. Really?

So you do it, literally, you're not joking. No, no, I'm dead serious. It's the little bit of the unknown, almost trippy kind of anxiety. Like when you eat mushrooms or something and you're like, okay, what's going to come out? Where are we headed? Well, that's why I like the sensory deprivation tank, too, can't run from your thoughts right it traps you with your thoughts you have to confront them right it's the what i call the hard work like doing the hard work the mental hard work it's like you got to be like i i one of the things i've pried myself i've tried to pride myself in at

least i shouldn't say one of the things i've i've an exercise and as I've done it like as a discipline is try to constantly and consistently improve everything I do, whatever I'm doing, whether it's a martial art thing or comedy thing. And I feel like your personality is in that, too. And even podcasting is in that, like anything that you're doing, you just try to do better. And I don't always succeed, but there's a journey and a process along the way. And what I found is the hard work is the best way for me to really judge my progress and all those things. Because I'm forced to be alone with my thoughts and to be at least the way I approach it. I try to be as objective as possible i'm my number one biggest critic yeah like i fucking hate everything i do yeah me too that's why you're good

yeah when you sit alone with your thoughts and you think about everything you do and you can pick it apart and find problems with it and yeah that's the hard work yeah it's a that's a that's a big thing and and you know smoking lets you come in the other door and take a look at what you thought was okay. You know what I mean? You think, like, you've got the structure and you think you're being hard on yourself. And then you come in the back door and you're like, oh, maybe I'm a little hacky over here. Or you could take some of this and go through the fucking roof like an asteroid. Fuck the door.

You don't want the door. I got a lot of stuff in here, buddy. I went, what was funny was- One of these will put you on the moon. What's that? Chocolate. Oh, jeez. You can smell the pot through the wrapper.

I need to know what I'm getting into. You're getting into death. Death and just the inevitability. The only negative I could see from the... These are pills. Do you ever see pills? Want some pills? Let me see what they look like. The only negative I could see when walking around Denver was there's

a lot of scuzzy skate pothead kids that are like laying on the street. You're always gonna get that. Yeah, but it's a little different. Listen, that's just part of the problem. It's, you know, you always get, yeah, there's always the 14 caps. That's always going to be the case. It was funny coming out with my bag, like, filled with stuff

and not being afraid of the cops who just waved to me, but then the potheads who want it. Sorry. Jeez, I got stuff to do. You'll be fine. Secondhand smoke barely does anything. I'm got stuff to do. You'll be fine. Secondhand smoke barely does anything. I'm like your pet dog. You'll be fine.

I got my dog so high once. I had a rescue dog, and she was a big sweetie. I loved her. Yeah. But she had a rough life before I got her. When I got her, she had mange. Oh, man. I got her because someone who I knew had rescued her that day.

And it was in L.A. And they had found her eating out of a garbage can. And she was all fucked up and mangy. And they contacted me. And they said, hey, just a long shot. Do you want to adopt a dog? Because I had a dog. And I'm like, well, you know, probably wouldn't be do you want to adopt a dog? Because I had a dog. And I'm like, well, you know, probably wouldn't be a bad idea to have my dog get a companion.

I go, what's the deal? And then they told me, and I'm like, oh, no. Like, wow, that's a lot to take on. And I checked her out. Was she older? She had had babies, for sure, because her nipples were extended. We didn't really know how old she was, but she was probably in the neighborhood of two or three, but she was the sweetest dog ever.

She was so sweet. What kind? She was a pit bull. But she had a rough life. It was a rough life. When I had her in my house, Joey Diaz and I, we went into my office and she would come in the office and hang out with me. And we did

bong hit after bong hit And this poor dog got hot box Figure out what was going on because she was freaking out Freaking out and she was like hiding under desks like she would run She would run across the room and they just get under the desk or I's tucked in and we're like oh my god she's high the poor dog's high that's brutal you can get someone

you can get that I uh I think that uh I hope you're right I hope that you know what's the most interesting thing watching this whole Trump thing like I hope you're right about Sessions I think I am it's gonna be really interesting i feel like we're watching one of those movies where like the regular guy becomes president and he comes in like well just fix the problem just

take the taxes and fix the bridge that's how it works and like these practical like things that you could do like let's just talk to taiwan and see if maybe they'll be okay and it's like will this work or do or is the way of operating with so enmeshed in policy and and the way the things that were do you need that structure to actually steer the ship you know what i mean this is really kind of free form yeah i think you. Yeah, I think you're right. And I think in that sense, that's probably the most positive aspect of this guy being president is that we really will find out. Yeah.

It might be the only way we find out. We're going to find out. We're going to really find out. We're going to find out. And also, he's going to fucking tell us. Like, if there's some shit is funky behind the scenes, you know, like there are, there's a lot of talk online about Trump lying in his tweets about like fake votes, you know, like fake votes cost him the popular vote.

And like he just, sometimes he just says shit. I know. And I don't know if he is doing it as a strategy. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I don't know. It's, it's, it's also possible that he doesn't really believe it, but that he knows that if he puts it out there, people are going to repeat it.

Yeah. There was an article recently that I saw, I forget what the magazine was, Jamie, maybe you could find it, but it was about a guy who writes the fake news. And they track this dude down and he just writes fake stories. Right. Like about George Soros paying protesters $ bucks an hour to protest against Trump. Like, they just make stuff up. Yeah.

And they asked him why he did it. And what he said was, he said, essentially, he started it out as like an exercise, sort of to prove how gullible these alt-right folks could be and that some of them, at least, some of them would just see things and without looking into it at they would just start tweeting it yeah you know and and he was right he was right but he started making a lot of money right these guys are making like ten thousand dollars a month writing fake stories off of clicks right all off of clicks that's yeah then you're writing fake stories now of course you pass that up yeah no no you're gonna just write fake stories now so like what you were saying earlier about us entering into an era where you can't really tell what's true or not true.

And that's why it's so imperative that someone like the Washington Post or like the New York Times cannot be biased in any way. You have to as clearly as you can emphasize the facts of every story. Even if you feel like you have an obligation to show how horrible person President Trump is just to let people know like this guy can't get in the office. As soon as you start doing that, you embolden the people who oppose you. Like it's very dangerous for ideas in general because it's so hard. I don't do it, but it's so hard for anybody to completely be unbiased and establish just the facts, even when they're disturbing and uncomfortable. They don't like that. People don't like that. You ever watch PBS News?

Sure. The News Hour? Yeah. That's probably as pure as you can get. Yeah. Right? I mean, that's as purely as factual as we can put it out there and it doesn't mirror a lot of anything else cnn msnbc all of it it's it's uh fox it's all that that pbs is just it

feels like it's the last place where grown-ups work this person makes ten thousand dollars a month writing fake news yeah yeah this is uh just make stuff up what what is the website jamie this one was from market watch there's also an npr story i think the market watch is the one that i read i think that's the the one of the problems with the fake news too is i have a the guy that drives me to the airport all the time and he's like no i saw george soros is paying the people to protest. And my wife, I saw it on Facebook. And my wife said, no, that's not a story. And he said, but look, now it's on CNN.

They're talking about the same story. So it is true. The problem is all these people editing these news organizations, they're running with the story. They're being tricked by the fake news to begin with. Wow. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I know.

It's very slippery do you see the fake porn going on that cnn aired 30 minutes of fake porn during anthony bourdain show out like thanksgiving night yeah it's a total fake story yeah that it was real yeah yeah that uh that was something somebody just thought it'd be funny to and did he even have a photoshop screenshot or something like that? Yeah. That's genius. I mean, it's, you know, the scary thing is that's how wars start, right? That's how Vietnam started. We're getting a little carried away. When they created this fake stories. Yeah.

Iraq, same stuff. You can manipulate stuff. You can create big events off of that. Well, here, obviously, we don't know what really has gone on That led to people right in that pizza gate stuff I don't I didn't investigate it enough to know if it's bullshit or not I just didn't look into it right to be honest that said What if it was bullshit, and if it is bullshit, and this guy thought it was real and it goes in and what if he shot somebody?

Who's right? Are you is I mean at what point is there some sort of a response? this guy thought it was real and he goes in and what if he shot somebody? Right. I mean, at what point is there some sort of responsibility like as a culture? Like if someone's inciting hate towards a very specific establishment that really hasn't done anything wrong. Right. Like that's kind of a criminal act, right? Yeah. In a way. Yeah.

I mean, if you're saying like if you pick a donut shop, Yum Yum Donuts, and you decide Yum Yum Donuts is where the elites go to fuck kids. Right. And you just make all that up. And then people show up at Yum Yum Donuts and just start shooting people because you won't tell them where you're fucking the kids. Right. That gets, again, this is just if it's a fake story.

Right. I don't know shit. I'm just going to be real clear about that. I literally have, there's so much, and you can't, whoa, you should look into it. Nope, I shouldn't. If you want to, you go ahead. You cannot be responsible for every fucking story that's in the news today. You will lose your mind.

And I'm trying to do less and less of that in my life. But my point is what we know for a fact there's a lot of fake stories yeah we also know for a fact there's a lot of creeps yeah a lot of scary sketchy people that are in positions of power and they have been forever and they're starting to get exposed more than they ever have been before so i don't know what the fuck the truth is that's kind of the interesting thing that's It's the good and bad of the time that we live in. Everything can be exposed now, which is great. You can expose people being brutal to another group.

You can expose crimes by just recording it on your phone. You can't get away with stuff anymore because everyone's on video all the time. So in that way, the truth has never been more clear. the time yeah so in that way the truth has never been more clear but if it's but then you have this manipulation of that truth in certain instances where you don't have that video proof it's uh it's right I mean it's very conflicting well it's what we were talking about earlier when we're saying about fake stories that it's we're getting to this weird era where you can't tell whether or not a story is true or not.

Like it gets real sketchy. It gets real strange. I think there's going to be, this is just pure speculation, pure bro science. Nice. I'm giving you a bro science warning. It's my favorite kind. It's the only kind I understand. I think, now they're doing these things where they're able to transmit words from person

to person through the internet brain to brain like somehow or another i can't i'm not gonna do a good job explaining it but they've been able to essentially put a word in your head and then do it accurately from a long distance away through some sort of electrical impulse or something that they blast into your head. But right now it's like a word, a word. I think it's entirely possible within our lifetime that one day someone is going to figure out how, if you can do that, if you can transmit something from brain to brain like that through the internet, through some sort of an interface, they're going to figure out how to broadcast intention.

going to figure out how to, how to broadcast intention. So instead of a language, they're going to figure out how to broadcast what the feeling is behind you thinking something. Like if I say, Hey, Tom Papa has a comedy special on epics this Friday night. You should definitely see it. He's fucking hilarious. He's a great guy. And I really want you guys to check that out. There's a feeling that comes with that uh-huh a feeling like you know. I really love you. You're a great guy. You're hilarious I want your special to kick ass right is this fee, but so that's like an intention and that intention is in some way trapped inside a language it's trapped inside like language and Civilization and all the structures that we've created around

it but if you could somehow remove the language and just what is the intention behind i love you what's the intention behind i would like to paint something beautiful like what is it outside of the words that you would use to describe it in a sentence, if they could figure out some sort of maybe icon-based or some geometric pattern-based language- A new language. That you can express. Yeah. And we would have to learn that language.

Right. But it would be an intention-based language where it wouldn't matter what your language is, whether you speak German or French. It's a little like Minority Report. Then they will take that you had this intention to kill someone and they come and arrest you before it happens. Well, I just feel like everything that's happening in the brain, right? It's all trapped in the brain and then gets expressed through either the fingers or through the mouth, right? Or through the body, right?

But it's all, these are all these ideas are rolling around inside the body and then they get expressed through something Right, what if there's a way to get right to them you where you don't need to You don't need to do the double birds right you don't you know this you can you could express that through the actual Things that are going on in between your ears Still change stand-up for sure. It'll be over for us. To get out now.

Just walk out on stage. That guy's hilarious. It'll be like a blockbuster video of art forms. People will still want songs. Songs will always be cool. When you can read minds, no one wants to hear your stupid jokes. Yeah, your stupid jokes. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know if... Sounds like total stoner science right there. Yeah, that's definitely a long way off. No, there's someone right now writing this down. There's this dude. He's on a spectrum. Yeah, I can do it. He's ambitious, and he's got an idea.

You can make it true. Well, if you have those HTC Vive headsets on, have you ever put those things on yet? Jesus Christ, they're a game changer. You mean the virtual reality stuff? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a couple different ones now. There's Oculus Rift.

I don't know the Samsung, but the HTC is one. Samsung has one that you slide right into your uh like a phone right you can slide a phone into it oh you slide your phone into the thing yeah you have like a goggle like the the google pixel is that too it was like a view master right yeah and you slide it in i did that with uh the new york times had one they sent like a cardboard one and you slide it in and all of a sudden you're with the refugees in syria walking down the street yeah you're looking around you and there's people behind you and in front of you fucking bizarre yeah it looks pretty intense well they can do that now like the processing power of phones is pretty good the crazy thing is like you take a regular smartphone and it's not bad

but it's not as good as like the the high-end Right. And we're in an infancy of this stuff. Most people don't even know what it is when you bring it up. Yeah, it's coming. Dude, Duncan has one when you're in this underwater environment and a whale comes up to say hi to you. No. And you're like, holy shit, there's a fucking whale in front of me. You're looking at the whale's eye.

You're like, oh, this is so weird. Because you really feel like you're at the bottom of the ocean. And these things swim overhead. You watch them. Holy cow. Oh, my God. It's a mind fuck. So you could walk in, sit in a chair, and watch a stand-up show.

You could record your special. 100%. One aspect of doing your special would be releasing it that way, right? That's a great idea. I'm sure Kevin Hart's already done it. He's probably done it, yeah. He's done it in a football field. With a jet pack.

With a whale. Comes through the middle. Remember when Cat Williams had a lion on stage? Did you ever see that? No. Fuck yeah, Cat Williams. Thank you for being alive. He's the best.

Thank you for being alive. That guy makes me laugh so hard. He's fucking funny. Oh, so funny. I feel like because he's so crazy people kind of forget how funny he is oh my god his early stuff like going after michael jackson and stuff oh he's so good so good so good he's funny man pure original funny as hell wild motherfucker yeah that guy's living a life that guy's not worried about back pain he doesn't have responsibility of

he's not worried about getting his kids to school. He's just being Cat. He's getting in fist fights with 17-year-olds and losing. That's right in the yard. That kid beat his ass. That kid flipped him around, took his back. He's like super lucky that kid didn't give him brain damage. I love how everybody else is realizing, wait, I think that's Cat.

Yeah, Cat Williams is getting in a goddamn street fight with a young kid. That was hilarious. He sucker punched the kid. Something tells me Cat's not sitting down with that notebook every morning, like, I have to do this. Maybe. He seems like one of those guys that just flies. I feel like he also, like, maybe, I think he's a little smarter than people give him credit for

and i think it's entirely possible that he might in some sort of a weird whether it's conscious or subconscious way put himself in these horrible situations so he has funny shit to talk about i i don't know my instinct is he just ends up in those things and that's what that's the beauty that comes out the end you might be right. I don't think he's just calculated. You might be right. It might be a little bit of both things. Yeah, it could be. See, the thing is, he's very smart, man.

Oh, of course. He's calculated. You can't be that funny and not be smart. He said something that I was like, oh, yeah. Like, I was listening to this video. It was him in the backseat of a limo, and he's driving around, and they were talking about before he goes on stage, and one of the things that he said was that he doesn't eat anything. It was him in the backseat of a limo and he's driving around and

They was talking about before he goes on stage and one of the things that he said was That he doesn't eat anything. I don't eat he goes, you know I want to I don't want to be full when I'm on stage I don't want to feel like that you like you want to have better off being hungry Like you don't want to be slowed down by food. I'm like, that's a great idea Yeah, I know that but yet i would still violate that if i was hungry all right you know like i'd rather like if i had a show at eight o'clock and i was kind of hungry at seven i'll eat a fucking cheeseburger you would yeah for sure i would drink a milkshake really yeah for the longest time i would just eat whatever the fuck i wanted really i could never do

that but then i watched that kat williams thing and i went you know what he's right yeah you really shouldn't eat before you go on stage like you can always have a like a little bit in between shows but when you have a meal you go down a notch yeah you just slow down a little bit yeah oh absolutely you might be able to power through no if i'm in if i'm in trouble the hardest part about being on the road is when do you eat? I really feel like the timing of when you eat and when you're going to perform and all that stuff. So if I get past the 4 o'clock, like if I eat late, early in the afternoon, and then I'm getting too close to the show, it's not enough for a meal, then I'll try and protein bar it to get me through the show. Something light that's, you know, I'm not going to be up there digesting. I remember Jim Carrey, there was in some interview, the guy who directed him in like Ace Ventura or something.

And they said, get all of his stuff before lunch because once he eats, he's a different guy. Like that hyper hilarious Jim Carrey, you got to get that in the morning because once he starts eating, it's a different guy. No shit. Yeah. It makes sense, right? I mean, you get like, oh, I just want to nap. Yeah, you can't be like ace ventura pet detective you can't be pulling your ass cheeks apart when you like you think about how over the

top that fucking movie was he was so over the top like he took over the top to a new place a whole nother place you know like people who would say like you know like physical comedy doesn't really work like maybe if you half-ass it. Yeah. But if you go balls out like that guy does, you tell me that's not hilarious? Hilarious. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, to this day, I'll watch that and it's fucking hilarious. Just hiking his pants up is hilarious.

You know what I mean? What an absurd human being he's creating. Right. Get the camera on this guy with his facial expressions and running around yeah he created this incredibly bizarre character like what the fuck am i watching but it was so over the top so funny yeah he's hilarious when i was in high school i would try i would imitate him his imitations remember when he did had that set where he was doing like on golden pond he was like strawberries i'm not eating strawberries he did

the whole golden pond he did all these great impressions oh yeah he could do a lot of impressions that's how i would uh try and impress girls doing his impressions yeah he's a fucking super talented guy yeah really talented just the energy the pure energy and he changed his act right with rodney i think he was opening for rodney and he was doing kind of straight stand up and then said he wanted to go this new direction and start doing these characters and voices and impressions and rodney kind of encouraged him to go for it like you can bomb on my show i don't care that's interesting you could bomb i don't Get out there. He's a bad motherfucker. Yeah. Now he's a painter.

He was on a movie set once, and a friend of mine was working on the set, and he didn't like his performance on a take. He was just like, fuck. He didn't feel like it was up to his standards or something like that. So to burn off energy, he just smashed his fucking car. It was a car that was there, like one of the production cars. He just smashed it. Like with a bat? I don't remember what he hit it with.

I don't remember what they said. He picked something up and started whacking his fucking car. And, you know, this is Jim Carrey when he's at the top of the heap. Wow. You know, like just let him wreck the car. He just wanted to get some energy out.

Just fucking, fucking fuck. Just smash, smash, smash. Okay, all right, we're back. And then he went and did the scene. They're like, holy shit, that must have been hilarious. That's great. Do you sometimes think that maybe you should be crazier as a comedian? Oh, yeah, I know that feeling.

I know exactly what you're saying. I know where you're going with that. Right? That if you were crazy, you'd be funnier. Right, like if you're a completely reckless, crazy person. If you were more cat. Yeah. Right?

Like I always hear the bit, like you always hear like the stories like they had to get the guy to the show. I was like, what? Get the guy to the show. I was there a half hour early going through my notes. I'm like, I'm a square. You know, when I was young, I didn't meditate on purpose. I stopped meditating for a long time because I literally thought, like when I was 21, 22, I fucking sucked.

I sucked. I mean, I just wasn't very good. We never are, but we got energy. Yeah, but I thought at the time that if i um if i was moving toward enlightenment like if i was meditating the reason i was meditating like when i was competing i would meditate because it would i would try to like move towards a place of like balance but then as a comedian i was like you probably shouldn't be balanced because like the funny shit comes from the people like richard pryor who had all

these problems and was kind of crazy and kinnison it was just crazy and doing all those are my heroes yeah i know but you know they're also not here anymore hicks same thing yeah same thing you know yeah there's great people that are still around fuck yeah yeah. I think the best guys. I really do. I think right now between Bill Burr and Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K., Chris Rock, Joey Diaz, I mean,

there's... Tom Papa, Friday Night on Epix. Friday night. I was wondering when my name was going to come up in that list.

Right there. I mean, I think this is like, honestly, I mean, you can keep going. There's a ton of like really,

really funny comedians right now. Yeah. And none of them are are really super reckless with their life. No, Louie's not at all. Burr's not even a little bit. No. No, Burr's super disciplined. Smart guy.

Very hard worker. Very disciplined. Learning how to fly a helicopter. Knows how. He's got a license. I know. Cooks. He makes his own pie crust.

Like literally. He uses like shortening and stuff. I brought him one of my sourdough breads. I brought him and his wife really wanted me to bring over his bread, my bread. So I went and brought it over and gave it to her. Of course, they loved it because it's amazing. And right before Thanksgiving, I think it was right before Thanksgiving, maybe or that weekend, he texts me and he's like,

Dude, can I – I got a bread I want to drop off. And he made this traditional kind of like a cinnamony apple kind of a bread. Are you the bread testing guy in the Canadian world? I think he was like, you got bread, I got bread. I make bread too. And he brought it over to my house after a set at the store and dropped it off. It was a little raw inside. He had a problem with his oven.

It wasn't a big deal. But it was, yeah, he knows how to bake. That's amazing. I love how you gave him the thumbs up. You're like, all right. I'm like, all right, I'll try it bake. That's amazing. Yeah. I love how you gave him the thumbs up. Yeah. You're like, all right. I'm like, all right. I'll try it out. I'll accept this.

I think he was a little pissed off that his wife liked my bread so much. There's a feeling of expertise that people have when you know they really know something. Yeah. When you talk about bread, you just took on right there where you're describing his bread. I'm like, eh, not bad. You have an air of expertise when it comes to the area of bread yeah no i'm in deep i'm in deep i lit when i see you talk about uh doing your bow and arrow thing that's what bread is for me it's this meditative small thing

small moves to try and get better i'm, the rest of the world is out there, and I am in here working on this, figuring this mystery out. When it comes to bow and arrow stuff, I'm like a good blue belt. Right. But, yeah. I'm not very. There's bankers that run circles around me. But you're in it just as much as that guy is.

What's amazing about the bow and arrow world, I would say the archery world, is how much there is to know. Like you would never believe it. It's endless. Yeah. Right? You would look at it and you'd go, oh, you pull the string back, you aim, you let the arrow go. Right.

And a lot of people, they think that is what it is. Yeah. But then you get into it and you understand like the physics behind these things, the cams and the fucking limbs that pull back on these compound bows and how it's all measured and weighed and balanced. And Hoyt has to come out with a brand new, better bow every year. Crazy. These minor improvements of engineering. These things are getting faster and more powerful.

And it's all about figuring out how to execute a shot correctly using your skeleton and holding everything perfect and not having any influence on the flight of the arrow. It's maddening. It would take you a lifetime to master it. And would you? Could you? You could. Could you master it? You could if you got into it. I think if there's nothing physically wrong with you, I think bow and arrow shooting, archery, is one of the more easy things on your body.

Like in terms of like you could be really good at it deep in your 40s or 50s. Right. But what I love about, the reason I ask is the thing I love about this bread thing, what you're talking about with with stand up. It's kind of unknowable. You can get great at it. You can be a master. You can be one of the people that everyone looks at and says he's one of the guys. And still it could be on that night or that moment or that pull. It's out of your reach.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I love that idea that you because, you know, you have something you can work on for the rest of your life. Right. You know what I mean? I'll get calls from Seinfeld telling me he's completely lost with what he's doing with this set. You know what I mean? That, to me, is comforting because that's what a craft is.

It's like I can get really great. I can work so hard, get really, really, really great, and then have a night where you're just off. Yeah, there's really no other way that you can, I mean, for a guy like Seinfeld that's so successful and has made so many fucking stand-up specials, how many specials does he have? Not that many, actually.

He's actually... Doesn't he have, like, at least three? Yeah. Four? Yeah, probably three big ones. So he's at least put together four... And put a thousand... I mean, so many late-night performances.

Right. I mean, so many. That's right, that's right. There's a lot of those, right? Like, several a year for 40 years. And then, in between that, you put in the show, Seinfeld, which probably took almost all of his time. Like he wasn't doing that much stand-up while he was doing that, right?

Right, in the summers. He would go tour in the summer. Yeah, because that's a brutal gig. Putting together a giant hit sitcom like Seinfeld, that must have been a brutal gig. He talks about it like he went to war or something. Yeah. But the point is, that guy,

that he has to still go through the same process. The same exact. I just talked to him this morning, and all we talked about was, how are you writing? When are you writing? What are you doing? When are you writing?

How are you writing? Are you doing it late? Are you doing it early? I'm doing it here. I'm trying to get it in an hour here even if i sit and there's just an hour all that stuff still 40 years in that's awesome yeah it's the best that's what all that stuff is it's that's awesome yeah that's what the uh the only the only advantage i would say that the bread thing has over the bow and arrow thing is i get to eat it. That's a good point.

You can eat elk though. You can. It takes a lot of work. Yeah. If you want to get an elk or anything, it takes a lot of work. But I guess it takes a lot of work to learn how to bake bread, but it's a different kind of work. It's different, but there's all of this.

I mean, there's a whole nother level that I am not even close to of the pH balance, the humidity in the house, the temperature, all of this stuff. Who's got it dialed in? Is there like one bread where it's like the, like if you wanted to get a bow, you would get a Hoyt. Is there one bread that has like a. There's so many. Like when I literally, when I'm on the road, I'll go check out these bakeries and just go see what kind of bread they're making and see who's doing what in this town. And there's a place in Venice down by here.

Are they the Rolls Royce? Yeah, but they're kind of... They're the Rolls Royce of bread? Yeah, for this area. They're the Rolls Royce. What's the name of the place? It's called Gusto. I don't know how you pronounce it.

It's J-G-U-S-T-O or G-J. It's like Gusto. I call it Gusto. Okay. J-G-U-S-T-O. You walk in this place. It's right by Gold's Gym. You know where Gold's Gym is down there?

Yep. It's right there, like in this little shabby place. I worked out there once, bro. I'd imagine. Yeah, bro. I'd imagine, bro. Cut in there, bro. Was it a good one, bro?

Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro? Got a good lift in. Nice, bro. A lot of big dudes there, bro. Big dudes, bro. You walk over there to that bread place. It's like this down and dirty, and they make these loaves of bread that are just insane like you i brought that home i'm a hero in my family for making i i bake bread and

leave the to go on the road and just make sure they have their bread when they're there everybody's very happy i brought this loaf home my daughter was like why don't you do this why don't you make it like this that's dark i have no idea how to do it. There it is right there. Hemp nori whole wheat. Yeah. Look at that. Look at that crust. That looks goddamn good.

Yeah. That is. Now I get it. I get it now. See, that's a piece of art. That's a piece of art. That's an edible piece of art. Like, they've crafted it.

It's very appealing on the outside. It looks very rustic in its form. Like, they put the little slashes in it when they were baking it, so it has, like on the outside it looks very rustic in its form like they put the little slashes in it when they were baking it so it has like layers to it i watched this girl she was in the back you could see them working and doing all their stuff and this girl was back there she's beating this thing of dough with a pin i was like maybe i could work here for a little while maybe i could just work here for like a couple months and just as an apprentice like for free let me just figure out what the hell they're doing i it literally is to a level i don't know what they're doing that's all seeds it's what is that a nine

grain porridge loaf yeah what the hell whoa that's all seeds you're putting seeds on it are you not into seeds i like anti-seeds guy my family doesn't eat seeds whoa my daughters would be like there's a seed on it they don't like it what about poppy seed how could you not like poppy seed bagels oh they're the best what is that guy he's holding a bunch of them yeah look at that guy oh my goodness that looks good look at those oh my god we're talking about bread folks i don't know how I don't know how if it's the... They're changing up the flour or if it's the intensity. Like, to get that dark, you have to have a really high heat and be on it.

I don't know if, like, my conventional stove could do it. Yeah, what they're doing is almost like burning it on the outside. Yeah. Almost. Almost. Or at the door, burning it. Almost. See, it's hard.

The contrast in this photo is hard to tell because we might just be looking at some weird shadows where the loaf in the back looks like it's pretty burnt and the one in the front looks burnt. I'd like to see what it actually looks like in the flesh. Oh, it's so good. It is dark, which means I don't think it's... Look at that. No, let me ask you this. Look how spongy that is.

Oh, that looks really good. We're looking at the side. People are like, what the fuck are they looking at? We're looking at the side profile of bread with these little holes in it. Now, let me ask you this. That's called the crumb. Butter or no butter? I don't...

I fucking knew it. You don't use butter. I like butter. How dare you? If you like butter, you'd like butter on bread. Okay, that's where it's its best thing. I know, but there's this other stuff. It's where butter does its best work.

There's this other stuff that's pretty good, too. It's the only time where butter, you allow it to be cold. Huh? It's the only time where you allow your butter to be cold. You spread your butter on a loaf of bread. Yeah. That's when you don't mind a cold butter. Martha Stewart told me you shouldn't leave your butter out on the counter.

Oh, yeah? Tell Martha Stewart you shouldn't fucking cheat on your taxes. Hey! Oh! That's my girlfriend. Oh! Actually, she inside traded. I was wrong.

She insider traded. Yeah, she got a little tip. I'm sorry. She got a tip. How does that work, man? Are you supposed to not respond to tips? Everybody responds to tips. They're all doing it.

They are? I don't know. You think they're all insider trading? Yeah, of course. You'd like to get them some of your bread, wouldn't you? You think these guys... I'll give you some bread if you give me a tip. I'll buy you... I'll get you a nice sourdough. Nice sourdough. If I got a tip, they'd be like, oh, look, dude'll get you a nice sourdough. Nice sourdough.

If I got a tip, I'd be like, oh, look, dude, we have a big tip. You might have explained this to me, but please do again because I'm retarded. Yeah. Why does sourdough have that flavor and why, someone said that it's like, it's almost gluten-free. That it's like, it's not the same as regular bread. Is that true? It is true, and I don't really know the science behind it. Did we discuss this the last time?

I don't know, but I've given it to friends that have a gluten-intolerant problem, and they are able to digest it a lot easier. Tom Papa using his friends as guinea pigs. Here, let's see if you shit yourself. Well, they... Have some gluten-free bread crumbs wink wink just eat it if you ask for gluten-free at this place would they spit in your face

like good americans i don't know probably i don't know i don't know they are in venice they probably i don't know listen to me folks bread is bad for you it's not make the best bad for you do the best you can to taste the best while it's bad for you. It's so good. If that's the one carb that you eat, it says the fermentation time. Oh. It's the bacteria that builds up, stops the, or breaks down the gluten proteins. That's interesting.

But you need gluten for the structure of the bread, so it still has gluten. Oh, so it does have some gluten. Yeah, because that's the framework that's making it big and beautiful. So if you don't eat the crust, maybe you don't get the gluten. No, it's has gluten. Oh, so it does have some gluten. Yeah, because that's the framework that's making it big and beautiful. So if you don't eat the crust, maybe you don't get the gluten. No, it's in there. It's in there. It's just in there? Yeah, it's in there.

Trying to do science. But there might be some other stuff. I mean, I think the problem, really, my just gut instinct is that when you're eating all this gluten with other stuff, there's so much other stuff added in there that's maybe interacting with the gluten that's giving you the problem. This bread has three ingredients. You sound like an apologist. He's a gluten apologist.

It's water, flour, and salt. That's it. So you're not getting all this extra additives and stuff that are in there. I think that's what's giving people really the problem. So you think preservatives in bread that like commercial bakeries use? 32 ingredients. Okay, like what kind of ingredients are they? You can't even pronounce them.

Oh, you know what? You make a good point. The FDA had to change the definition of what bread was so they could deal with these commercial breads. Really? Yeah, that's not really technically what a bread is. If you add all this other stuff, it's not really bread. Okay, so what is Wonder Bread? Besides delicious.

A whole bunch of fun. Oh, look at this. Take Wonder Bread. Oh, my God. And it's popular Wonder Plus white loaf with fiber, ingredients, unbleached wheat flour, water, sugar, oat hull fiber, yeast, soybean, and or canola oil, wheat gluten, salt, natural soy flavor, sour flavor rather, bacterial culture, soy flour, cultured wheat starch solids, vinegar, soy lecithin. Uh-huh.

Hmm. It says, look at this, Wonder Bread, not wonderful for your health, the naked label. Why not just make an article called Duh? Who the fuck thinks Wonder Bread's good for you? That's like saying, hey, kids, if you drink, you'll get drunk. High fructose corn syrup. Wheat gluten. Look at this stuff.

Calcium sulfate, dough conditioners, sodium, sterol oil, lacrylate, exoxylated, mono and diglycerides. Look at this. That ain't bread. Hold on. Go back. That one may or may not have actually been Wonder Bread. It wasn't. What is it?

I don't know that it officially was. It says Wonder Bread ingredients. Let's keep fucking lying then. All right. We've lied this far. Fake news, baby. Yeah, this is fake news. Ammonium, chlor... Where did we stop here? Oh, calcium dioxide and or azodiphyllate. fucking lying then we've lied this fake news baby yeah this is fake news ammonium chlor where do we

stop here oh calcium dioxide and or azodicarbonamide banana jesus christ ammonium chloride ammonium sulfate and or monocalcium phosphate calcium propionate ammonium sulfate ammonium in your bread jimmy you must find out if that's real now you have perplexed me i have to pee can i pee yeah please we'll just keep reading the ingredients for right off the bag okay right off so it's all those things that was all those things that we were just talking about so all that stuff really is in there. Wow, that's nuts. I guess, boy, you know, you run into that thing where you say, well, if you want to have bread on the shelves in places where they're not growing any food, like in order for it to be fresh enough for you to eat and not get sick, you got to

have some sort of preservatives in the bread. I just like would want, I would like to know like definitively how much those preservatives have an effect on your health. And like everybody assumes they're really bad for you, right? Don't you assume they're really bad for you? Sure. Yeah. I do too.

Sounds like it. I would like to know what the fuck they do. Cause what they're doing is they're not allowing bacterial growth, right? That's what a preservative is. So if you have a loaf of bread and you put preservatives in it, it's stunting bacterial growth, which will eventually take over and your bread will get moldy, right? Right. So that's a poison. So you've got some sort of a poison on your bread that keeps it from being edible to bacteria. So instead of eating bread while it's fresh when you're supposed to eat it the only time you're supposed to eat it yeah you've got some chemicals pumped into it what's that doing your body exactly messing it up i mean what do you think it's doing ah what is it doing physically

to your body it's probably making it difficult to digest things you're probably not transferring real food into this nutrients that you need your system's going to work on this thing right anything you put in your body your body seems to react right and deal with it it has to deal with it it's probably dealing with that and not and slowing down some other processes yeah that's bro science for you but i bet your bro science makes a lot of sense. And I also bet your bro science could point to that if you're taking in these things that are anti, they essentially, they stunt, again, super bro science. They're stunting these microbes growing on bread and mold growing on bread.

But you have a bunch of gut flora. So if you take that stuff and you put it inside your gut, your gut flora has to be dealing with at least some of that. Interesting. How much is left? How much of the preservative is in the bread while your body's trying to break it down? Where this gut flora is used to digesting organic material, now it's dealing with sodium lauryl iconofucking plastic. Right.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. And it's probably taking out some of the stuff that you need to fight off other stuff in your gut. 100%, man. That's why antibiotics are so bad for you. Not because they don't cure diseases. They definitely do. But because they also wreck your whole biome.

You have to take a bunch of probiotics. Try and get your system back to operating. People have sometimes problems for quite a long time after operations because of the probiotics. The probiotics, which are important to keep you from getting infections, but they're not without a price. Your body pays a price for that. I mean, look, there's been times when you walk in and you're like, you had a bread, an Italian bread that you bought just from the supermarket. And you're like, three days later, you're like, oh, this is probably, no, soft. I could eat this. I could still eat this. It's it's like a week later it's like that's not good

how long is a loaf of bread supposed to last if when you cut it it should start getting hard immediately really like by the next day like that that part that part that you cut that's exposed the stuff that's under the crust you know could last for three days, four days. My grandfather lived in an Italian neighborhood, an all-Italian neighborhood in Newark, New Jersey. Oh, nice. And when I was a little kid, we used to go to the bread store. We used to go to the bakery. They would go to the bakery every couple of days.

They would have a loaf of bread. It would sit on the kitchen table. They would chop from the loaf. They had a white paper wrapper. They'd pull it out of the wrapper a little bit, cut some slices, push it back in the wrapper, kind of roll it up. But everybody knew it was good for a couple of days. Then a couple of days later, my grandpa would go down to the bakery and get it again. And this same place had been in operation since like the 1920s or something like that. It's great. And it was this cool little neighborhood bakery. It's the best.

And then you would do that with all your foods. Then you'd go to the fruit guy and get that. Then you'd get your meat from that guy. And it wasn't all meant to last forever. Yeah. You know, when I think about the time, like we were talking about how hard it is to eat when you're on the road and like, you know, when you're pressed for time, if you're running between obligations, you have all these different things you're doing. Yeah.

It's hard to get good food in your system. It is. You know, that's. I did it this weekend and I was eating. I ate horribly. I felt I was dragging all weekend. I just was putting crap in my body in a pinch. And it's so hard.

Sometimes you're in a hotel and you're like, is there a side vegetable? Can I have just a side? And they're like, no. What do you mean no? You don't have a vegetable for me? Yeah, it's really bad. But that's why I make two loaves at a time. And I literally have to go back to New York tomorrow,

and I just got in yesterday. Wow. So while I got in, fed the starter to get the bread going, and now when I go home, and then I made it into dough this morning. It's rising now. I'll go back and bake this bread, and then they'll have bread for the week until I come back on Friday. That's awesome.

That's my job. That's so cool cool that's my job at the house that's so nice because like that's something they're gonna think about you every time they eat in your bread like daddy makes this it's funny because my kids will send me pictures of sourdough from when they're like at a restaurant with their friends or something they'll be like not very good your kids are snobs yeah what i was gonna get at though is that like when you're on the road and you're on the hustle Not very good. You kids are snobs. What I was going to get at, though, is that when you're on the road and you're on the hustle and you're doing so many different things, you don't have a chance to eat well. And you definitely don't have the chance to have a loaf of bread and take some slices out of it and then get another loaf in a couple of days. Most people are way too busy.

But what I was going to get at is it's kind of like what you were talking about before. Like could you downsize? Like could you downsize? And if you did, like would you be happier? You might be. You might be happier if you did less stuff. You might be happier if you calmed down more. You might be happier if you went and got bread every couple of days or you made your own bread every couple of days.

Whatever is keeping you, I can't do that. I'm too busy. Whatever that is might be the problem. Like we might in our rush to be successful i think a lot of people i think it's it's totally possible that you overshoot the happiness spot yeah no i know i mean look if if i if i was the the tom papa that started stand up for the first week and you showed me where I'm at now I would think oh pure bliss pure bliss

and now I am where I am and I'm like I don't know I think that old guy might have been a little happier I think that guy who was just doing a spot for five bucks at the comic strip that guy was pretty happy. Well, especially now when you know that you're going to wind up being successful.

See, that's the thing about when the unknown is very stressful. That's true. At that time you were like, am I ever going to get on Conan? Yeah. And we all know that one guy, at least a few guys, that was really funny, but for some reason didn't catch on. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. I know. There's a ton of those guys. Ton. And so you'd always think about them, like, what about that guy? Whatever happened to that guy? Yeah. No, I know.

The wall of death at a comedy club. You're like, where did all these people go? Where did all these people go? Yeah. Yeah. The store's got a fucking haunted wall. You walk into some of the wall, the guys just stop. They just stop doing it.

I know. To us, it's like one of the scariest things, right? Terrifying. So I think we have a romanticizing instinct. The human animal does. Yeah. I think we have a gigantic instinct to go back to a time where shit made sense. Make America great again.

Seriously. There's a lot of it. There's that that novel thing every girlfriend you were with was pretty good everything you did was pretty great that little you know all those little crappy ways you spend your time those are fun yeah i don't know at the time you didn't think so probably so much you get in a fight with your girlfriend think about your ex-girlfriend she wouldn't talk to me like that it's because it's knowable right like the future is unknowable so it's scary all this change that they were that the country was going under like what do you mean there's these jobs are going away what do you mean we're going into soon what do you mean we got to deal with india what do you mean technology is taking over my life that's scary no a picket fence where i go when i get my bread and the american eagle perched on my dick that's noble it's feels safer you could break it down to an maga

maga yeah hashtag maga faggots it's just it becomes it becomes a chant it's just a grunt it's not even a word. Well, whether he represents that or not, there can be no doubt that he is the king of the assholes. Like, he figured out, like, he found, like, the people that are going to support him almost exclusively. Yeah. Like, there's a lot of assholes.

If you could tap into them. Yeah. There's a lot. You just got to, this is the first one that made sense into them. Yeah. There's a lot. You just got to. This is the first one that made sense to them. Yeah. They were never politically active for Walter Mundale. You know, assholes didn't step up for Mitt Romney.

No. But then Trump came along. They're like, it's one of us, boys. Yeah. We're going to make America great again. It's one of us. This man that lives in a, this billionaire and that lives on the top of a tower in Manhattan's one of us. This man that lives in a, this billionaire that lives on the top of a tower in Manhattan is one of us.

I saw a really dark video of this guy. He got in a traffic altercation with this black guy. The black guy's holding the phone. The white guy comes up to the window. And one of the first thing he says, he said Trump, all the way bro, Trump I'm with Trump he goes, you're telling me Black Lives Matter

you just can't say Black Lives Matter you gotta show me Black Lives Matter yeah show me a reason, because now you're just saying it he goes, and you cut in front of me and you spit up and cut in front of me that makes you a nigger and he's filming him while this guy's saying this oh and i'm like wow man oh man that attitude that like he opens up with trump he opens up with no it's no joke i'm not saying

that everybody's a trump supporter is like that what i am saying is that don't even look that video up i don't want to get that guy in any more trouble that I'm sure you're at the end but to that feeling now you can that feeling is like you're only gonna attack that like that specific type of feeling like that's no you gotta avoid that whatever that meant pops up like that's terrible it's called hate yeah well it's the the angle that he went on it. Like, if these guys got in a legitimate traffic altercation, and that legitimate traffic altercation was because one guy hit his blinker too late

or cut in front of somebody or something like that, if you're a fucking human being with any decency, you discuss what happened. Right. And maybe you fucked up, and maybe you should apologize. And maybe he you fucked up and maybe you should apologize and maybe he fucked up and maybe he will apologize who knows but when you open up with trump all the way trump bro black lives matter you know you show me like what where where's your head at this is this is how you're communicating with the person well he tapped you know he tapped into all degrees of that yeah all degrees of that when when people are being bombarded when white guys in ohio who are going out trying to work as

a construction worker and that guy's got three kids and he was told white men are over white men are done right it was became like a trendy thing hold anybody that it's in all the media is just people saying white people are done white people are done with this is women different sites you're reading the white people are done websites Jamie I've seen people say that on Twitter even like Huffington Post you go to black Twitter though you're always on black Twitter even Huffington Post it's always about white males. Another white male gets the job.

Are you going to say salon.com next? I'm saying that's a big thing. And that people, that guy who's being told that the jobs aren't for you. It's for these other people. That's what's coming. But you're sitting there with your wife and two kids and you're like, all right, look, I get it. White guys had a good run, you're saying. White guys are kind of passe. But I got Christmas to pay for and I got a good dinner.

But I think that's such an extreme perspective on it that white people are done. I think the big perspective, the much broader perspective on people that are trying to encourage diversity is that they feel like people have discriminated against in the past. It's time to balance that out. It doesn't mean that white people suck.

It just means that everybody's great. Like, let's ever bring them all in. Like, that's the right way to look at it. Yes. But you're going to have the extreme that go, white people suck, white people stand down, white people should just shut the fuck up and let us talk now. But that's always going to be the case. You're always going to have, like, fluctuations inside of a good idea.

For sure. But there's, it resonated. I think white people i tell this is a the morning after the election morning after right that whole night of what the hell what's happened who's what right i get up in the morning we like i have a new puppy i take my puppy outside it's six o'clock in the morning 6 30 in the morning i'm outside with the dog and i hear in the in the distance it's a quiet you know upscale neighborhood i hear ha yeah can you believe it ha ha yeah no way white people i'm like this i'm like this has got to be this has got to be about the election they're so like i know i couldn't believe it happened either i peer through it was like through the bushes and i see a white

mercedes it's a white mercedes a guy's talking to another guy they're talking i can hardly understand what they're saying and as the guy leaves he's like all right man i'll see you soon white lives matter and takes off there's a guy doing well in a mercedes living in this nice neighborhood and that was the first thing I heard the next morning. There is a, you can't say that anybody else doesn't matter. You can't make people feel like they don't exist because they will fight back on all sides, all the time. That's a very good point. And that's unfortunately what some people hear.

Like if you hear Black Lives Matter, what you hear is, well, that means white lives don't. Or that means white lives do less. Or that means we're trying to call attention to one very specific race only. Right. And even though I completely understand why they're doing it, I don't think there's anything wrong with Black Lives Matter. I don't think there's anything wrong with the idea of it. But I think I didn't have this reaction to it, but I know that some people probably did. They immediately go, yeah, what about white people? You know, like there's

just a, that's a fucking knee jerker and that might not have had to happen. Like I think sometimes ideas, the way they're displayed, like sometimes people, they do it because it feels like the right thing to do at the time or the right way to say it at the time but anytime you're inviting any sort of like anger or dispute it feels like you want to do that to push back but that shit is going to come back this way it's way easier said than done but i think that all a lot of what we see from this reaction to to anything it's like aggressively progressive is like people when they feel like they're pushed like you have to listen to the way we see the world and then they want to go the fuck I do you know like they want to push back and

almost ramp up double down on the racism double down on their xenophobia trying to correct wrongs that kid it could come off as being aggressive and bullying to those people. 100%. Yeah. Especially if you don't agree with them. Yeah. See, like, here's the thing, man. Everybody thinks they're right, whether you're on the right or the left.

Everybody thinks they have a moral imperative. Everybody thinks that they're doing the right thing, unless you're a piece of shit, right? Right. Let's assume people aren't, for the most part, aren't pieces of shit. They think they're doing the right thing, unless you're a piece of shit, right? Right. Let's assume people aren't, for the most part, aren't pieces of shit. They think they're doing the right thing, but this is the way they've grown up. Just so much of it is cultural. When you look at the world today, we're all just human beings, but there's people that are living in parts of the world that must behave a way different way than we are allowed

to behave because they're entrapped in a religious ideology that dominates their community. Right. So it could be these poor kids in Africa that get that female genital mutilation. Like how many of them have it done to them? Yeah. It could be that. It could be growing up a Mormon in Utah and a crazy fucking house filled with nutty Mormons. Yeah.

Or, you know, there's a million different possibilities. The roll of the dice that you ended up there. But apparently people are just super flexible. Our behavior is really malleable and we're adaptable. Right. And we can fit into, whether it's a horrible ideology, like what happened in World War II, what happened with the Nazis. They fell into a horrible way of living life.

But that's a possibility. It's going on right now in North Korea. It's always a possibility for people to fit into these little weird packages. So if you see someone that has a weird package of existence that you don't jive with you gotta look at it like what you would you do if you were them like if you had lived their life and now you're looking at this from their perspective no one from your perspective try if you can to imagine what it would be like to look at it from theirs i mean it's so random. I mean, especially like growing up here, it's like you, if you had been born just 200 miles south in Mexico, your life is totally different. Totally different.

So what, there's no like divine, it's just, you just got lucky that your parents ended up a little north. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just, it it's it's really uh it's really unsettling it's unsettling and that's one of the worst parts about the really simple build that wall build that wall build that wall that really simple sentiment there's a problem with that man there's a difference between pride in what you are and having an enemy that you need this enemy to take people down. But I mean, that's the way. But it's what we were saying before, man.

It's like if you're expressing fear, you're going to get a pushback. If you're expressing anger, you're going to get a pushback. Right. If all of a sudden you're like, build that wall, build that wall, that seems to me to be a place that I want to get in now. Right. You know, and if you're a person who wants to do something bad, that's the spot that's way more evil now. Yeah. Because now you've got a big crazy wall. Right. You know and if you're a person who wants to do something bad, that's the spot that's way more evil now Yeah, because now you got a big crazy wall right like there's gotta be some sort of recognition

That we almost like you it has to come from the top It seems like and it has to be there's has to be some sort of recognition that look The reality of our existence here is that we're extremely fortunate Then the reality of other people's existence is they got terrible luck. Right. This is an undeniable reality of babies. Yeah. 100% of the time all over the world, right?

No baby worked hard to get where they are. Right. They just showed up. They just got lucky. Roll the dice. Came out of the right body. Yeah. And now, hey, we're in Manhattan.

All right. Who's my mom? Where are we? We live in Tribeca? There's great Italian restaurants here. Good schools. What a great place to grow up. Look at my onesie.

It's made of cashmere. I'm so lucky. Oh, my God. This is great. Yeah. But the difference to that and being born in a hut in the Congo, you just got lucky. Yeah. So that build that wall, build that wall.

I get where you're coming from. I understand the motivation to think like that. But I really pretty firmly believe that anytime you put something like that out, you get something like that that comes back at you. Yeah, it's anything that that has a little hate on the edges. You know, there's a lot of people like that guy you say in that video. And, you know, there's it's an aggressive. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, we got it. We won.

This is our guy. Here we come. Scary. Scary. I've never lived, I haven't been here that long, but there's never been, after an election, where large groups of people were scared. Yeah. That's never happened. Unhappy, pissed off, I can't believe they're going to do this, that asshole's in office. Never has there been large groups of families really legitimately frightened of our leader.

That's never happened. I feel like Bill Clinton should just step up and just say, see, this is why we always rigged the system. We were trying to avoid this. We were protecting you from your own selves and your ridiculous desire to have famous people like you. Congratulations. Yeah. It was rigged for a reason. I heard the greatest nickname for Trump.

Somebody called him Cheeto Jesus. Yes. I've been using Cheeto Jesus. That's good. Yeah. On election night, it was really upsetting. Was it? My daughter is a 14-year-old girl who just heard, you know, she's smart.

She's a high school freshman. And just heard what this guy was saying about women and her just heard what he was saying about you know handicaps or whatever well that handicap thing did you know that that that does i'm not giving him an excuse but i don't think he knew that that guy was handicapped i think he was trying to mock someone who was dumb and he it turned out that the person he was mocking was handicapped and that's what everybody right when right i don't believe he had any knowledge of that beforehand i don't think he was i'll give you that but even if he didn't know it to make

that gesture and act like that guy is just dumb like as a guy running for president it just was it was a bully it was a bullyish move whether the guy's handicapped or not handing the girls not handy well i think he thinks combative relationships like that are it's contest it's a war yeah and he'll go at them with his personality right and that's what's odd for us and it's big to see that from a president right yeah there's no right so my daughter was just crying she was just crying she's like so a guy that says grab your pussy is now my president i just this doesn't make sense this guy that says grab your pussy is now my president. This doesn't make sense. This guy that says global warming is a hoax, this doesn't make sense. Did he really say that?

Yeah. He said global warming is a hoax? The hoax created by the Chinese. He really fucking said that? Yeah. And she's like, what the hell just happened? I thought he was just skeptical. I thought he was just skeptical about man-influenced global global warming because that's what they like to call it right influenced influenced

yeah have you ever seen like the the ice core samples of like what the earth used to be like just a few you know a few 10 000 20 000 years ago oh my god the the the ice levels rise and the sea levels rise. And this is a constantly changing topography. And the natural shifts in the Earth cycle. I'm not a climate change denier at all, ladies and gentlemen. Let me just get this out. Because if you talk about this, people just get angry at you. Yeah, they hear trigger words.

It's not what I'm saying. I mean, I absolutely believe that we're fucking up this planet. That's not what I'm saying. But without us doing that, just without us doing that, there's been a constant cycle of change. It's a violent place. And it's sometimes really, really radical, like giant shifts of temperature up and down. And, you know, the big one being the ice age, of course, that we can measure. Like fairly recently, most of this country was covered by a mile to two

miles high of ice. Right. Miles. Yeah. So what's your point? My point is this whole place is super volatile. Right. I mean, for him to say that global warming is a hoax, like it's coming.

Right. And it's coming whether you did it, I did it, if it's happening. The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive. November of 2012. See, he was probably one of those dudes that believed in the Mayan calendar. So he's like, fuck it, I'm going to say some crazy shit before December 21st, 2012. Because that's when it's fucking. It'll all be over.

It'll all be done. That was something that people were saying back then, too. That was a popular... He used to say a bunch of crazy shit, though. Remember, he used to say that Obama was born in Kenya? He was a truther, or a birther, rather. He was the birther. Yeah, I mean, he would...

He was the leader of that. He would go and do... But see, you gotta wonder, like, how much of that is showmanship? How much of that is... I don't know. I feel like it's the Chauncey Gardner i don't know i feel like we're i feel like it's the chauncey gardner thing you know from uh when peter sellers became president right he was like the it was that it was uh uh being there was it called being there and it was just he was

this gardner he just he had he was very simple and people just made it ultimately made him president he just kind of wandered into the presidency. And I feel like that with Trump. I feel like he wandered in and now people are like, well, are these tweets genius? Is he trying to manipulate us? Is he really intelligent? Is he really this?

I think he just is what he is. You know, I don't think. I would believe that. He's very talented, very charismatic. Rich as fuck. Rich as fuck. Rich as fuck. He's got a good sense of timing and stuff like that, but... Balling out of control. It's kind of this empty vessel.

Are you sure, though? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure when you hear him talk about different things, he doesn't really know about a lot of different things. Don't you want to talk to him alone? I did. He was on the marriage riff. Ooh. I did. You were on the marriage riff. Ooh.

I did. You were right next to him. I was right there. He would make comments about, he would make comments. It was all about husbands and wives, and you would show a real husband and wife, and then you'd talk about them in these, you'd try and decide who's right in the argument, the husband or the wife. And all of his jokes were about the women's breasts.

All of his jokes were about the, well, she's got these big things, so she'll be okay. And then he would turn to me and give me a wink. Like, not for the camera, not for anything, just me on the side. He would just kind of wink at me like, we're doing great here, right? I felt like, I mean, this is way before I knew anything about him running or anything. I was just like, ooh, this guy's kind of skeeving me out. I felt like I was date raped on my own show. But he walked in

during that show just like, we're going to do great ratings tonight. We're going to do great. We're going to kill it. We're going to do great ratings. I mean, he was always that way.

Just mantra, the mantra, the mantra. I think I would be, I would take it in like it was a show. I would think I'd be psyched. I'd be psyched to sit next to him.

Yeah, but there's a, but you know, you know how you're next to him. He's got these things, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'd be psyched i'd be psyched to sit next to him yeah but there's a but you know you know how you're next to these things you know i'm saying yeah like this is great but there's you know you get vibes from people yeah and the vibe was a little like you know what i mean i don't think you get to be that fucking rich without a little i just don't think you get there yeah i think you stop along the way like we were talking about balance and perspective yeah about realizing that you know maybe you I think you stop along the way. We were talking about balance and perspective about realizing that maybe you should scale back a little bit.

Maybe you'll be happier. Maybe you missed the happy spot. He never thought about that for a fucking second. He's like, fuck that. He's like 70. He's still making deals with Argentina to put up hotels and shit. There was one deal with a foreign country that was an issue because it was right after

he became president. He's trying to push this. They congratulated him. He's trying to push this deal through, apparently. Why do you think he took the Taiwan call? In September, they're creating a thing in Taiwan. They want to make it like Dubai, like a hub for international Asian travel. And they're in the mix.

They've been talking. Dude, Trump, the word Trump is worth so much more now. Oh my God. That's one thing. I mean, and that's all he wanted. So how do you not? Yeah. I mean, I can't pull away now. We've made it. This is when we take over the planet. I don't

remember who had the original thought, but I agree with this thought. It's not my thought originally, but that what is interesting about Trump is that he cares so much about how people like him. So because of that, the will of the people, whether it's marijuana or whether it's whatever it is, maybe it's nonviolent drug offenders that have been in jail forever for no fucking reason. That makes any sense to anybody now that we're the if you take and you put someone to jail in jail for life in 1975 for marijuana because they smoked marijuana in las vegas that a person's still in jail so crazy and you're you're

the president now mr trump please let them out please just you know let's find let's find a way to get these people a job they they weren't They weren't arrested because what they did was wrong. They were arrested because there was a thing written down on a piece of paper that said it was wrong. It's not really wrong. There's nothing wrong with what they did. Just because it was written on a piece of paper doesn't mean we should honor it so many years later when we would never act accordingly.

No one in this country is going to go to jail for the rest of their life because they have a joint. But isn't it entirely possible that someone in this country is going to go to jail for the rest of their life because they have a joint. But isn't it entirely possible that someone in this country has gone to jail for the rest of their life for a joint? Absolutely. Especially if you get inside and then all of a sudden you get in a fight in jail, which happens all the time. And someone dies and you wind up getting charged with murder. I mean, that kind of stuff happens to people over a nonsense bullshit arrest. Aren't most people in jail because of drug related?

We just pulled it up the other day. It was like 46% non-violent drug offenders in jail. It's a lot. It's insane. But the thing is, like you say, he wants to be popular and he wants to be well liked and all. The thing we're going to find out is on what level

is he looking for that approval? Is it from the masses saying this stuff or is it the guy the last guy that came in if is it sessions that comes in and says i think that we should we should go this way and he wants to earn the respect of that guy we have a lot of forces coming in that we didn't vote for that are going to be controlling a lot because he's going to be just kind of delegating it out. We don't really know where he stands. That's the most scary thing is that it's kind of unknowable.

We don't know how much in control he's going to be. Are these other people going to come in and fill that vacuum and they're going to be in control? Well, that was the big argument against the NDAA, the National Defense Authorization Act. Is that what the NDAA? That was the one that allowed for indefinite detainment. You don't need a warrant.

You can just arrest people and detain them indefinitely. They don't have to have a speedy trial. The right to a speedy trial has been revoked. And everybody was like, well, that's fine because Obama's not going to use that. Right. Well, then the question was like, okay, Obama might not be using it, but what happens if a new president gets into office and he's crazy? Everyone's like, don't worry, that's not going to happen. Well, guess what?

Yeah. You fucked up. You fucked up. So Donald Trump has the NDAA on his side. He can use it now. And add to that an incident. Add to that some kind of 9-11 and then he really takes advantage of it. You never know.

You never know. You never know. One thing that should be taken into consideration, though, is that he's a businessman. And one of the things about things like legalizing marijuana or going against legalized marijuana, it doesn't make sense from a business standpoint because there's too many of us that smoke it. Like, Jamie, put up the numbers. Like, what percentage? Let's just take a guess here, Tom Papa.

What percentage of Americans do you think smoke marijuana? What percentage of adult Americans smoke marijuana? I would put it at, I'm going to put it, like smoke it on the regular. Once a month. More than once a month. More than once a month. I would say that that number is at 46 i bet you're right i was gonna go in the 40s too i was gonna say like 43 yeah but i think 46 rang in my head too yeah that's a good number i think you're dead on that's what i would guess it's hard stat to find maybe gallop poll gallop polls are bullshit yeah but let's go with it anyway what does it say it says one in eight u.s adults say they smoke marijuana.

How dare they? One in eight people dumb enough to answer a fucking poll. Meanwhile, 43%. Son of bitches. Hold on, it's loading. I had a little bit in my act that's based on a true poll where 46% of the people believed in the creationist account of the Earth and that the Earth was less than 10,000 years old.

46%. 46%. 46%. But it was a Gallop poll, so it's 46% of the people and that the earth was less than 10,000 years old. 46. 46%. 46%. But it was a Gallup poll. So it's 46% of the people that answered the poll. That was a little bit in my eye. Right. Right.

It's like, how ridiculous. That's not, you're not getting a good test group. Right. Actually answering the question. Yeah. People are answering the phone. Right. And they're talking to you about some stupid ass poll.

43% said they have tried it. Okay. So that's 43% if it was legal, it would be smoking pot. Yeah, one in eight currently use it. Except for a few pussies that couldn't handle the truth. Some thousand people. You can't handle the truth.

Yeah, it's not that many, but it's enough to put a lot of tax dollars into the economy. It's a tremendous amount of money. I know. If it's really 40 whatever the hell it is percent tried it. What was the percent it tried at once? 43.

43? Dude, that's the number I guessed. Crazy, man. That's pretty good. That's crazy. Here's to another question. Shut the fuck up, dude. Why are you ruining it?

I was in. Yeah, I don't know. If you've got those people against you, voting-wise, that's a pretty significant people. The stoner dollar has been ignored. Yes, but you say you'll make those decisions as a businessman, but the other people that are fighting against that are all the pharmaceutical companies, and they have a lot more money than these kids smoking pot. Right. So that businessman walks into his office and says, hey, this is the way it's really going to go. This is what we really need.

Do you think that that is permanent, though? Isn't it possible that the people acting collectively have more influence collectively, financially, than a corporation? No. If it's been exposed. No. Impossible? Never?

Yeah. It's not going to get any better because of the internet? Yeah. Maybe. not going to get any better because of the internet? Yeah. Maybe. Transparency? Right now, the corporations have a lot more power. Right? Right now.

Right now. But, you know, you watch, you know, Elon Musk has not been torn down yet. They're coming at him. Oil wants to stop him. They want to stop him from selling his cars. They want to do all this stuff. But he's, the will of the people has kind of protected him, put him through. You know Iron

Man's going to be president, right? I hope so. I hope so. He's the liberals' last chance. He's my hero. Bring it back around. We need eggheads running this thing. We tried, assholes. It didn't work. He's got a little mix of both, doesn't he? Don't you want to see what happens with the Trump thing?

What if he can break down the structures? We're going to see. That's my hopeful part is like, you know, we are revolutionary people. Let's tear some stuff down and let's not be afraid to break down some walls and let's shake things up and move. That's a little bit of a revolution. Break this system that is broken anyway. 100%. Let's just hope that it's safe. Let's hope that it's not

empowering the wrong people. He's really interesting what he's been trying to say about lobbyists too. About how long you need to take a break after a job in government before you should be a lobbyist. That sounds good. A lot of good ideas. That's not so bad.

Who knows? That's okay. Let's see. I'm rooting for him. Elon Musk comes in. I'm rooting for him. 2020. He comes in riding the wave.

Elon can't do that. He's going to do it. We're going to be on Mars by then. He's getting to Mars. They keep blowing up. Those jets keep blowing up. He's getting to Mars. They blew up the satellite for the African kids.

They were going to get the internet for the African kids so they could send the dick pics through the air. It's all right. You got to fail. You got to fail to succeed. It wasn't- The Facebook thing. Yeah, Zuckerberg's satellite for internet access. Yeah, he's got money.

Maybe. SpaceX is doing just fine. He's going to defund NASA, they say. Oh, by the way. SpaceX is going to kick ass. Glad you brought that up because he was also a victim of some fake news. There were some fake news articles that were written about him that people actually quoted. On Elon or Zucker? Yes, on Elon and about how much Elon Musk made off of the government

and how much of his businesses lose money. And it was an anonymous account. They tried to trace the name of whoever had written this article or more than one article, and they couldn't find who the writer was. It was a fake name. The story didn't jive. The numbers didn't pan out. You need real journalists to do that stuff.

That's going to be the key. I want to know what the story is because I'm just talking about it. Find out what that story is, Jamie, if you can find out the fake news story about Elon Musk. He's the greatest. Somebody wrote something. 96%.

Yeah. I'm sure I know what the fuck I'm talking about here. I'm 43% sure you do. Wow. I'm so much less confident now. It's like Trump Papa knows something. He can see it in my eyes. Just say it with authority.

Elon Musk calls out the fake news troll, called him a national disgrace. Oh, yeah, yeah, it is a fake news story. Okay, so what was it? At least we identified fake news. That's got to be, right? The detractor comes wrapped up in the package of a legitimate journalist. Yeah, there it goes. He's being trolled by a, what's that word?

Chimeric. Chimeric. God, I don't remember what that word is. What is that? Which word? Chimeric. C-H-I, Chimeric. C-H-I-M-E-R-I-C.

What does that word mean? Where is it? Right there. By a Chimeric writer calling himself Shepard Stewart. See that? Right after the Tesla. He's apparently being trolled by a chimeric writer. I don't know that word.

Jamie, Google that word. It's like chimeric, that L. Look up in dictionary. What's that shit say? Look it up in the dictionary, bitch. What are you doing? Chimeric. That's a cool word.

Looks like a fucking little animal. Look at that little thing. A little furry sucker? Chimerism or chimera is a single or... Thanks, Jamie. Relating to, derived from, or being a genetic chimera. Or it's genetic material. Okay, go back to that last one.

Like a rat? Are they saying he's rat-like? Click on that one we were just reading. Yeah, whatever the one was that you had right before that one. Well, it's okay. Let's just look at it right there. Scroll down. That little definition on top is a little bit more lengthy.

There we go. So a single organism composed of cells from different zygotes. Oh, okay. So a single cell, like an amoeba. Hmm. Hold on. Stop. Go back.

This can result in male and female organs, two blood types, or subtle variations in form. Okay. Now go back to that story again. Okay, a chimeric writer calling himself Shepard Stewart. Trolled by this one-celled organism writer. Yeah, so that's an insult, I guess. Yes. Okay. In the wake of the 2016 U.S. presidential election,

two major issues rose to the surface. Dissemination of information, fake news, and accusations of biased journalism. Okay, so Elon Musk. Can anyone uncover who is really writing these fake pieces? That's cool. Asking for the internet to help. Yeah. It can't be this guy.

His work is better than that. And then they click on that article. Click on that article on finance. See if they took it down. That's pretty great. Elon Musk versus the trolls. Oh, okay, they switched it to this. So it's just essentially Elon Musk calling out this guy for the fake article.

I don't think the fake article is up anymore. He's the coolest. But I think that's just what you can do now. This guy who we we were reading about earlier this guy can get 10 000 bucks a month yeah by just making stuff up just make up stories they may somebody made up an article about me getting in a fight with a mountain lion that i i killed a mountain lion at the ice house really ridiculous my sister called me up and asked me it was true oh my god but they just do that all the day so if they do that all the day you know know, Jodie Foster visited by real aliens. If they do that, you know, and then you have her sitting there talking about it.

Something sticks. If you're a dumbass, you're going to send that to your friend. Dude, Jodie Foster is fucking coming out, man. Finally, the agenda is being known. The aliens are real. They're here, bro. I knew it. Yeah, and you just keep putting them out.

One of them is going to stick, right? I'm feeling it in my head, bro. I knew it. Yeah, and you just keep putting them out. One of them's going to stick, right? I feel it in my head, bro. Better definition. Oh, another definition. Unreal, imaginary, visionary. A chimerical, terrestrial paradise. Hmm. Wildly, fanciful, highly unrealistic.

Oh, Jodie Foster. A chimerical plan. Interesting. Unreal, imaginary, or visionary. So it was an imaginary writer, according to Elon Musk. Well, it sounds like. So it was an imaginary writer. According to Elon Musk. Well, it sounds like a real writer with an imaginary name. So it's just a pseudonym, essentially.

A pseudonym. We don't know who the fucking person is. A pseudonym. I wonder if, like, businesses hire people to do things like that to discredit them. Yeah. You know, like, what if you're Ford and the Chevy guys are just getting a little too fucking cocky and there was some dude like Henry Ford type character over at Chevy. Yeah. Like some magnanimous, gigantic, larger than life figure and you start writing some fake

shit about him pawning money off the government and eating pizza at this place where they have pedophilia artwork. In the old days, they called it yellow journalism. The Hearst newspapers, they'd plant fake stories in the papers, and people would think that they were true, and you'd try and take down titans of business that you were competing against and all the rest of it. It's always existed. Well, you know, that's what William Randolph Hearst did against marijuana.

Oh. That's how marijuana became illegal. Really? You didn't know? No, I did not. You don't know the No, I did not. You don't know the full stoner Bible story? No.

It's the biblical creation story of the stoner myth. Really? Yeah, this is what it is. What year? That would have been- 1930s, post, right after prohibition, alcohol prohibition. What happened was they came out with a machine called a decorticator, and the decorticator allows them to process hemp fiber more easily. With this machine, It cranks it through. This hemp is this spectacular fiber. Yeah. Like a buddy of mine had a hemp stalk over his house, my friend Todd McCormick. And he's like,

pick it up, man. And I picked it up. I was like, Whoa, it's light like balsa wood, but hard like a mahogany. It's weird. Yeah. It's a very, very strange plant. Like bamboo, kind of? No. No, no, no, because bamboo's hollow. It makes sense that it's light. This is like a, it was like a stalk, like a wrist side, like my wrist, stalk. That's bamboo. That's the hemp plant. Yeah, you can get it, there's different forms of it. See that one in the upper right-hand corner, like that?

So this was solid. That's what he had. He had it like that. All right. So you would pick it up. It would be super light but ridiculously hard. He's like, dude, it's alien. It's an alien plant.

Todd's very, very smart. Right. He's written books on growing marijuana. He was like one of the first guys to ever get arrested for growing medical marijuana. And then when he went to court, he found out he was not even allowed to use the term medical. term medical so you're not allowed to say it because they don't believe in it federally so even though it was legal in california what they did was they prosecuted him with federal laws which which don't allow for even the phrase medical marijuana he wasn't even allowed because it was a federal trial he wasn't even allowed to mention that it was legal in California. So the people who are in the jury, they get this totally skewed perspective of what happened.

And you have to vote on it as a juror. You have to decide based on the law. And the law is federally. It is illegal. There's no such thing as medical marijuana, so you can't even bring it up. And if you brought it up, it's like contempt of court. And Hearst started all this he started and what happened was when they came out with the decorticator william randolph hearst owned paper mills and he also owned these forests of trees that they would convert into paper he made his own newspaper and printed on that paper

and then popular science magazine had a cover that said, Hemp, the new billion dollar crop. And it was all about the invention of the decorticator and how now they'd be able to effectively process this hemp. Because they used hemp forever because they didn't have a cotton gin. Then when they came out with the cotton gin, a lot of people shifted over to cotton because, especially at the end of slavery, especially at the end of slavery, because it wasn't really financially sound until they spent all that time processing all that fiber to get cannabis or to get canvas. Right. When you could just get it out of cotton, it would be way easier now with this— Cotton gin.

The cotton gin. So that changed the game, and then the decorticator changed the game again. And that's when William Randolph first came in, and they started writing all these stories about well telling people to write stories I'm sure right telling people to write stories about this new drug called marijuana It's forcing blacks and Mexicans to have sex with white women and rape white women and marijuana wasn't even a name for the camp for cannabis the word was a wild mexican tobacco that was where that's what marijuana originally was oh really so that when you called it marijuana they weren't like the original like if you talk to mexicans about it they'd be like what the fuck like back then they'd

be like what the fuck are you talking about like that's that shit that wild tobacco type shit wow they called it marijuana because cannabis was something that everybody had used they used it for a textile they used it for oil they there were so many people that were using it already for clothes canvases canvases based on the word cannabis jeez they used it for cloth it's a it's a crazy cloth man and it works really hard to break like if you get a hold of like i have a gi that was uh datsu sara made me a jujitsu gi made out of hemp. They sell these hemp gis. Right. These fucking things are like indestructible, man.

Yeah. Yeah, there's something about like when you take hemp and you turn it into a fiber or into a cloth or into a paper. Wow. It's crazy how durable it is. So why didn't, so then he got laws passed to criminalize it. Exactly. And do all that. Yeah, you had to have like a tax stamp to grow it for hemp and it got became more increasingly more and more difficult why do we why so they were

never able to separate it as a drug and a thing no because it's too close it's too closely related genetically you know it's like right it's basically you could you know there's different strains of it they grow it where it's specifically not psychoactive right but all the male plants are not psychoactive right it's only the female plants that have the flowers right and you can contaminate female plants and they there's like some sort of a process that they have to do when they're growing them to keep them from changing each other you need to pollinate each other yeah they can like if you have too many males with females they they can actually fuck up the females. It's really kind of crazy. But that's the only stuff.

So I guess the issue would be you would have somebody that was pretending they weren't growing the psychoactive stuff and that they were only growing, but they were also selling it as a drug. And then you would have an issue there legally. Right. Well, I mean, when you find out like Hearst putting out those stories to you know, to get his way and then, you know, Big Tobacco is putting all these documentaries come out like 30 years later of all these stories. This guy was hired. It was the one where these this small group of scientists were like, oh, there it was from the tobacco. They were putting out stories about that tobacco is good for you and all this kind of stuff. tobacco. They were putting out stories about that tobacco's good for you and all this kind of stuff and they're going to take away your freedom.

And then that all dried up and now they're on climate change. Yes. Now those same guys, those same organizations are putting out fake news and being talking heads against global warming. It's a documentary. There's a documentary on it. What's it called? Ministers of Doubt?

Is that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe that's it. Yes. I think it's called Ministers of Doubt. I that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe that's it. Yes. I think it's called Ministers of Doubt. I mean, so sure. Yeah, this fakeness has been happening forever. Forever. And driven by money. If you have a lot of people that have a lot of money. That's why if someone becomes president and then wins the president-elect like Trump and

then tweets something that's not true about him losing the popular vote because millions of people voted illegally. Right. When you say stuff like that, that's why people get scared and nervous because there's a long history of people who have what you're going to have. Donald Trump is going to have ultimate power. Yeah. He's going to have that position, the position of ultimate power.

But with that comes just a massive, massive responsibility. So for him to continue to do stuff like that, which is like a strategic fib, he got to kind of let all that go. Just like he said he was going to let all of his businesses go. He's going to let his family run his businesses. He's going to completely step away. I urge him, let all that other stuff go too. Try to rise to this crazy position. I know.

He was one of 40. How many people have been president now? What is he, 46th? 46th. 46th? Yep. 45th or 46th? I think that's right.

I would say it's Merchants of Doubt, not Ministers. Oh, Merchants of Doubt. Thank you. Merchants of Doubt is a great documentary. So when he tweets about Alec Baldwin again on Saturday night. What does he say? He said, tried to watch SNL again. So not funny.

Total fail. Totally biased. Fail. Come on, man. He's got to realize it's funny. It's funny, man. Is he doing that because he doesn't want people to talk about Taiwan? This is the funny discussion. It's like, is he brilliant or is he just he doesn't want people to talk about Taiwan? This is the funny discussion.

It's like, is he brilliant or is he just crazy? That's really what we're dealing with. Is he so savvy that he wants everybody not to pay attention to the Taiwan phone call and changing decades of how we treat Taiwan? Or is that why he tweeted to divert us? Or is he just, Taiwan was one call and this tweet is another thing? Yeah, I think it's that. It's just that.

The Taiwan thing, he just avoided it, just not talk about it. Like, what is he doing? What did he do, Taiwan was one call and this tweet is another thing. Yeah, I think it's that. It's just that. The Taiwan thing, he just avoided it, just not talk about it. Like, what is he doing? What did he do with Taiwan? He contacted Taiwan. He says they, and he tweets his defenses, they called me. Oh. What's the problem? The policy for 40 years is that you're dealing with one China and Taiwan wants to be their own thing.

And you don't treat them the same way that you do greater China. That Taiwan is part of China. So the way that the diplomats have worked it, you're friendly with Taiwan, but you don't recognize them as like their own government. You don't invite them to the White House. You don't. Our leaders have never talked to their leaders so he gets phone call and he's like hey what's up yeah we're cool and then china's like whoa whoa whoa wait we have this whole structure of the way the world works and in one phone call this is talk about power one receiving one phone call

shook that whole part of the globe let me just first of all start off with China sounds like a dicky friend. Dicky friend that wants to control you and won't let you talk to other people. So you wanted to make friends with this new guy and the new guy wants to make friends with you. And China's like, no, fuck that. No, you don't even get to talk to them. It's it's there's that part is pretty valid. That's everything. Yeah.

To me, that's everything. It's all there. Unless I mean, that's something Taiwan's doing. we're not supposed to talk to them, like North Korea. Like if all of a sudden he started chatting with North Korea and started selling taco bowls over there. You know? Yeah. What does this say here, Jamie? This is from the Washington of the United States.

And nobody in Beijing gets to dictate who we talk to. Well, that seems to make sense to me. Are we going to not talk to people? Because if we do, China gets mad. That sounds like a shitbag relationship. It's similar to Obama talking to Iran. I've had friends like that where they go, like, you can't talk to that person. Look, if you have an enemy, I'm not going to, like, cozy up to someone that's your enemy.

But if you don't like somebody, it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't like them. Right. Like, just because I like you, like, I don't have to like everybody you like. Like, that's fucking crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. No, I mean, Obama talking to Iran, it's like, well, how is this ever going to get better unless our leaders talk to their leaders? Exactly.

You're never going to get anywhere. If China tells you you can't talk to them, why? Right. Says who? But here, the thing with the phone call is we don't know did he just pick it up and not is he was he totally unaware hey bro of our relationship with them it said he was brief before that phone call i'd say they said hey bro i heard you were talking to mike man i thought we were clear you don't talk to mike man what mike's a piece of

shit he just want he dude he called me no no no mike's a piece of shit fuck him and his whole yard i don't know. He seems like all right. I mean, he just called me. Fuck his yard. You can't go over to his yard. I don't want you to do business. He's not that bad.

Fuck Mike. He said some good things about you. Oh, I'm done. I'm done with you. We're going to war. China sounds like the biggest asshole. Can you imagine what a fucking catty, like teenager China sounds like? I can't even talk to them.

If I talk to them, we're going to war. Are we going to war? Are you serious? We're going to war over this? I will totally go to war over this. Financial war. They just call their lawyers, start suing you. What? Why are you suing me, man? I don't understand the whole I don't understand

the whole Asia aspect of global policy at all. Well, let me tell you this. I don't. The UFC, this is what I understand about some Asian businesses, or at least Japanese businesses. The UFC bought this company called Pride, and boy, did they get hoodwinked. Oh, really? Oh, my goodness. The way they did it was wonderful. First of all, the Japanese have this masterful way of negotiating business, where they talk to you about, like, maybe we'll do business.

We're thinking about doing business. Not today. And maybe we'll come back and discuss this at a later date. And then they would come back. Well, we're really thinking about selling this business. And then the UFC and Pride started trading fighters. They did like a goodwill gesture. So what this did was elevate the brand of Pride and make Pride even bigger in the United States.

Like they had Vanderlei Silva come over and he faced off with Chuck Liddell. And Chuck Liddell went over there to fight people. And they had all this negotiating stuff going on for a long time. And then finally the UFC comes in and buys them out. This big historic thing. Take photos. Shaking hands. Turns out they bought nothing.

What they bought was essentially like a library of fights. Because all the contracts that the fighters had, they were all bad. They were all illegal. All invalid. They had a couple of contracts. Some guys they had to take over. And like, oh, Jesus Christ. They were all illegal. All invalid. They had a couple of contracts. Some guys that they had to take over and like, oh Jesus Christ. It was just chaos. Oh, jeez.

And as far as... They were going to run that business over there. Well, they got over there and they're like, oh my God, we can't run this. You can't run it without the Yakuza, the people that were all... You have to have the consent of the Japanese mom to run the country, the company over there. And that was one of the things that sunk... Chinese? No, Japanese. Oh, Japanese. Japanese. That was one of the things that sunk the organization when it was publicly released, allegedly, allegedly, that the Yakuza was involved. Everybody was like, ah.

But they went over there, they bought this, they got this library, and then while they had these UFC employees, the employees all started a new business called Dream. And they just fucking started up with a whole new thing. Just out of nowhere. So they bought Pride, and Pride's dead. And the same Japanese people are like, no, we have Dream. And they're like, but hey, you guys were working for us. Where's our show?

What the fuck is this? It's like they bought air. You know, maybe we are all unknowable to each other. And this is part of why Brexit went down. This is part of why Trump won. This is why Italy just hit their prime ministers now leaving. Populist vote. Everybody wants everyone's like being told we've got to deal with the whole world globalization.

We got to deal with everybody. And everyone's starting to say, you know, it's not really helping us. Do we have to talk to the Chinese? Do we have to deal with everybody?? Do we have to deal with everybody? Do we have to all be one Europe? Everybody is starting to kind of retreat. Maybe globalization as an idea on the paper seems like it'll work, but practically it's not taking hold.

We're all going to communicate through Tesla hive mind because in the future, everyone's going to have to have an electric car and Tesla is going to be the first to figure out that the best way to pilot your car is actually with a headset. So you're going to put on a headset, very light, and those electrodes, they'll all be Bluetooth to your car, and that thing will operate by your mind. But the best way for it to do that is you've got to be on Google Hive Mind's network. So then you download the thoughts or you project the thoughts through the headgear as pure intention. So everybody knows where everybody's going

as they're driving because you can see pure intention from a mile away. And that becomes the universal language of human beings when they realize the flaws of English and Spanish and Chinese and Dutch and Japanese and Korean and no one can understand what the fuck they were talking about. But through Google Hive Mind,

and this headset connected to the Tesla as it drives around. Is this in the next update, or is this a way's away? It's in one more hit of that. Take another hit of that, and you'll have some good ideas. One more hit of the, I don't even know what the name, I don't even ask names of pot anymore. It's all ridiculous. Yeah, I was pretty blown away.

I really felt like an old man in a pot shop. So wait, she was like, this is King Kong or something. And I was like, oh, everybody knows this name. I didn't realize. I thought this was your own little brand. I was so lost. They wouldn't let my mom in a pot shop in Denver. She never ID'd.

Good for them. You have to have laws. Yeah, I think she's legal, folks. I mean, it's flattering and everything. I'm sure she was happy. Yeah. I think they have to mark down who you are. They didn't?

They didn't? No, they just looked at it. They probably took pictures of your shit, bro. You don't even know, bro. Oh, maybe, bro. Bro, you're right. Tom Papa. We just did three hours, man.

We did already? Yeah. No. Yep. This is a time warp. This is part of the hive mentality. That's what I'm saying. This is weirdness in this place.

That's what happens. It's weird. It is. I'm worried that if we move studios, we'll lose that magic of three hours just disappearing when are you moving i don't know bro brah we're working on it bro bro move to sherman oaks thinking about it bro go to sherman oaks bro i'm thinking about it now i'm thinking no come on there's lots of good space in sherman oaks frankly by my friday night tom papa on epics um what time the new specials uh 8 o'clock, I think. And Epix isn't like on DirecTV, but everybody can get Epix for free for the month.

You can watch it on your phone or your laptop or whatever. Oh, okay. So just go to Epix.com and you'll be able to check it out. Oh, so your special, and then there's a lot of other specials, too, that are on Epix. Jim Norton, I know, has a special. Yeah. Aaron has a special. All those are available as

well online like you can check them out on yeah the website yeah for sure and uh and then it goes to itunes uh next week well i can't wait to check it out brother i appreciate it thanks a lot thanks for having me in motherfucking papa ladies and gentlemen instagram twitter facebook bakery check yourself before you wreck yourself. Inside joke. All right, folks. Thank you. See you tomorrow. Bye.

Kevin Smith tomorrow. That's a good one.