The Joe Rogan Experience - #884 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: December 7, 2016

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Check out his special coming out December 8 on Seeso called "Sociably UnAcceptable" using code "JOEY" for a free 2-month trial. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now" available on Spotify.

She would take her shoes off, throw them to the audience A la la deo And she'd put the YouTube videos, black and white A la la deo She'd take her gold chain, throw them Rip her shirt off I need to see this, go look Jamie, young Jamie, bring up La Lupe

La Lupe, 19, I mean she was a fucking crazy bitch She came, my mom was friends with her all along but Later on I grew up with her son. We were young kids up in Spanish Harlem, and I would go up there and visit them, and she was crazy. They even did a one-woman show. There she is. Watch, La Gigi. La Lupe, the queen of Latin soul.

Look at this crazy bitch. Wow. Is it okay to play it? Can you hear it? I don't know why I get kicked off of YouTube. Somebody must own this, right? Yeah. Starts throwing her rings and shit, her shoes.

She throws at rings? She just throws whatever's closest to her. Look at that. She just gets crazy. Just gets crazy. Gets crazy. What is it about Latinos, Latinas? What is it about Latin people? What is it about Spanish people that makes them so passionate and crazy and hot-blooded?

What is it? Is it genetic? Is it cultural? It's got to be genetic. It's got to be genetic. You think so? When you get 10 Cubans together or 10 Italians together, Greek, the volume goes up. We're all from the same

something has to be something. The volume goes up automatically. Old Sicilians, the volume goes up, man. What is it? And then you have the Spanish thing that is just fucking nuts. Listen, man, right

out in the open right now, I'll say it. I'm as Cuban as can be. Born in Cuba. I don't mess with Cuban women. I don't mess with Spanish women. I just don't. I love them to death. You talk to a lot of Jewish people, guys, they'll say I love being a Jew, the whole thing. I don't mess with Jewish women. They just don't. You grew up with your mom. You know

what you're gonna get. You know what you're gonna get. You think about your mom and whoever put up with her shit. You know, your mom's Sicilian. Old school. You know, it's different, get. Yeah. You know what you're going to get. You think about your mom and whoever put up with her shit. You know, your mom's Sicilian, old school. You know, it's different, man. They yell, they scream. You don't want to put up with that. My mom was pretty calm.

Her mom was a yeller, screamer. Yeller, screamer. If there's a problem, sweet, the saints get called. Once the saints get called, you got a problem. What did I do to deserve this? But, no, I can't. It's too much. It's just too much, man. Too much passion.

The shoes come off. People get yelled at. I don't dig it. People throwing shit at each other. But you get those spicy Latinas narrowed, zeroed in, and you get them where they're fucking savages. If you control that into sex and all that, where they're fucking savages if you control that into yeah sex and all that it's fucking probably savagery like i said i've been with one spanish girl and i moved on

enough i got left back that's how good the pussy was i got left back in school seventh grade i left back i stopped going to karate i stopped going to church and i was just dry humping her and and feeling her tits can you imagine if she gave me that monkey in the seventh grade? I would have been fucking walking dead. Do you remember how overwhelming it was the first time you were with a girl? Overwhelming. You'd never had any sort of feeling like that in your life. And now it's just overwhelming.

It's completely overwhelming. And then you have two sets of friends. You have the logical friends. And then you have animal friends when you're 13. So I had friends that would go, that's nice, where are you guys going to go to a movie? And then you have the fucking heavy-duty animal. What are you going to do?

You're doing the finger motions. Yeah, they're like, what are you going to do? You're going to fucking grab her and make out with her, right? They just tell you what to do, and you're lost. You're completely fucking lost when you're 13. But how great is it to fall in love and hold hands and go to the movies and go to get a slice of pizza when i was in 13 i lived in this place called jamaica plane and it was like uh it's kind of becoming more gentrified now but at the

time it was kind of sketchy we had some kind of crazy neighbors with this one kid his name is paulie hudson he lived right next door paulie hudson was my age we were both like 13 but he was like 30 he was like a 30 year old 13 he knew a lot of shit and i remember one time he was talking about sex i hadn't i hadn't even come close to sex i don't even know if i had kissed a girl like maybe like a little peck or something like that at 13 paulie hudson probably fucked 100 girls by then i'm not kidding this kid This kid was an animal. And we were talking, and he goes, somehow or another, it got on the subject of how a penis enters the vagina, how it gets in there. And he was telling me it goes up. You go up in her.

And I go, you go up in her? And he goes, you ain't never fucked a girl, have you? I'm like, no, no, I definitely haven't. Like I did want to admit it, I'm sure, but it was fucking obvious. I didn't even know that your dick went up. I thought it went straight in. We all do. I just found that out now and I'm 53. I didn't know it went up. I literally thought I could never figure it out in my head because I was like, well, I kind of know where the vagina is. Like, how could it work going straight through?

It doesn't make any sense. But that's literally what I thought. I thought you went straight in. I thought it was like a belly button. The thoughts you have about sex or a young man or a young woman got to be, you don't know. Yeah. You can't figure out why they do that. Yeah.

Yeah. You're so confused because you didn't have any of those thoughts two, three years ago. Like you're 10 and you're just thinking about comic books and all the stuff you think about when you're 10. What do you like to do? You like to go fishing or something. You're just hanging out with your friends. And then all of a sudden you're 13 and your dick is hard all the time. And you're so confused.

And when you're around girls, they hug you and you're like, whoa. Your body's just overwhelmed. The smell of their hair and just being around them is so attractive. You're like, holy shit, what is this? First time you sneak up behind a girl, you're behind and you smell her hair or something,

you're emotional. You get like a fucking anxiety attack. You're like, what the fuck is this? He's that close to you. Or they touch you. And then you have the pee. Did you have somebody who broke sex down for you? No.

Like we had a dude in my neighborhood that always wore a towel. His name was Puerto Rican Nelson. And he lived in the back of a thing, and we'd go to him. It started with him fixing our bicycles. And we evolved with him. Wow. So we went from playing baseball on the street he would come out he was a bartender at night he would come out and throw

balls with us and whiff a ball and that's the guy you go up to and you go hey man can we talk to you tonight because first he introduced us to weed right he's like you guys smoke weed and we're like nah we never then he sold us like seven joints for five dollars So he became our dealer and then the next level was girls So we asked him what do you know? What do we do about girls and he was like yellow this you guys never fucked. What kind of little fags are you? He would just fucking say a bunch of shit And then it got to the point. We'd have like clinics at his house We go can we come over tonight? Yeah, it better be quick. What time?

7.30 we come over and we go, Nelson, we have to take this girl out. What do we do? And he'd break it down. Take her to the movies, you pay. But then you wanted more, you know? Nelson, what do we do? And he's like, all right, I'll teach you about sex.

Come around to my window tonight about 8 o'clock. I'm going to fuck my girlfriend. I'll let you listen. Like shit like that. Creepy shit. And we actually went over there and they listened. about 8 o'clock, I'm going to fuck my girlfriend. I'll let you listen. Like shit like that. Creepy shit. And we actually went over there and ate and listened. Like shit like that. And we would ask him about cum.

Like, what's cum do? And he would tell us it pregnates the girl. He was like, in the 70s, there wasn't no sex education at schools, dog. So you had to get it where the fuck you got it. Right. So you didn't have that in Boston? Absolutely. I didn't have any uncles likeoston absolutely i didn't have any uh

uncles like that or friends like paulie hudson no he he made me nervous i tried to avoid him he was too street for me he was too street for me that kid there was a couple kids like that there were two street for me i was like oh that's when i like really realized that i need to learn how to fight when i moved to jama Plain because I was just super nervous these guys would pick on me and I had no idea what to do like if anything went down I had no idea like my stepdad was never into violence nobody ever explained to me how to even punch or hold your hands up correctly it's like oh I gotta learn something so that's when I started getting into karate and I was into movies before that I'd taken like a kung fu class or something like that once when I was like maybe eight years old when I lived in San Francisco. But really no martial arts to speak of.

In this neighborhood, I was like, fuck, these kids are scaring the shit out of me. Now, where was this? Jamaica Plain. In New York? No, this is Boston. This is a suburb of Boston. Not a suburb, really. It's an inner, I mean, it's a city area, but at the time,

it was at least just kind of a poor neighborhood. But apparently now they have some nice bars and restaurants and housing prices are so expensive, someone takes a chance on the outskirts and they start pushing those bad neighborhoods away. They start building up in them and they become gentrified and you can get a nice house in a nice neighborhood for a good deal. So a lot of people, that's the giant problem with New York right now. People just keep talking about it in Brooklyn. Brooklyn's just being bought. It's so expensive to live in Manhattan.

Have you ever tried to look at real estate? Have you ever fantasized, maybe I'll move to New York for a couple years like Ari Shaffir? You ever thought about doing something like that? I have. I thought about it and I looked at housing prices. You're like, what are you talking about? That's not $5 million. That's an apartment.

How is that $5 million? Do you have a yard? Is there something I'm missing? Like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? It's apartments. It's an apartment. But they're stupid expensive.

Like regular rent. People were talking about their regular rent. They were talking like $3,500. I was like, what? Like a regular comic. Not someone who's doing great. Not like a Jim Norton or someone like that. Just a regular comic who's got a one-bedroom apartment.

I was like, holy shit. How the fuck do you pay that? It's heavy. It's a heavy tariff, brother. It's heavy to live in that city. For me to afford to live in New York, I gotta live down the shore. Would you do that? Do you think you would go down the shore or do you think you'd go Long Island?

I would go down the shore because I'm familiar with it. I would go like Route 17, Marlboro, around there. And they got Chinese restaurants, got old school Italian places. I've seen them. Doesn't Artie Lang keep a place down there? Doesn't he have like a... and they got Chinese restaurants, got old school Italian places. I've seen them. I've seen them. Doesn't Artie Lang keep a place down there?

Doesn't he have like a beach house? Yeah, I think he's got one there in Hoboken. Is it in Hoboken? He has a house. He has a condo or an apartment in Hoboken. Right. I think he's got a place down the shore. He has a place down the shore.

Yeah. I used to do a lot of Bob Gonzo gigs down there. And this isn't right down the shore. This is a little away from wherezo gigs down there. Absolutely. And this is right down the shore. This is a little away from where everybody goes. Right. This is up from Tom's River and Seaside and Belmar and Manasquan. This is Marlboro.

It still takes you off the 34, 35. You still got to drive a little bit to see the ocean and shit. I just had a friend that lived there, and I liked the neighborhood. I liked how the neighborhood was. They had an old school Italian delis you walk in stinky cheese salami blood salon all that stuff a fucking tongue hanging upside

down wet moots with water you know let me ask you this Frankie Edgar's got to be the king of Tom's River fuck yeah he's He's the king, right? King. That's his place. I haven't been there in 20 years. He made me say Tom's River on a pay-per-view once. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

It's like after he won, he said, say Tom's River. And I was like, Tom's River, shit. Tom's River's next to Seaside. Is it? Yeah, like close to Seaside, Lavalette, if I remember correctly. Because every time I'd be in Seaside, I was in Tom's River. Right, right, right. I used to go to Tom's River.

What you do is you go down there and you put on some nets. You put those nets. Like the kids, I used to go down there. We'd stop by Tom's River. There was a spot. And you'd drop nets off. And then you'd go eat. Then you'd come back and you'd fucking pull out those crabs.

Then they would go home and make a sauce with the fucking crabs, with that fucking Katrina water. That's the thing, right? The sauce with crabs. You don't really get that out here. No, it's very tough to make. Like, I don't know how to make it. I just saw them do it.

I would never fucking try because I wouldn't trust how to. But they would just take the crabs and put them in a fucking hole. They would boil the crabs in the tomato sauce. Remember that? Tomato sauce. And as the shell breaks, I don't fucking know how they get the flavor, the meat. I'm trying to remember if they pulled the meat out or if they left the claws in sometimes. It seems like sometimes they just left the claws and everything in, right?

And you would have to get it out afterwards. You'd have to suck it out afterwards. Suck it out, break the shit. Yeah. You don't see that. It's pretty rare with like a red sauce. You'll see it a little bit in a nice, fancy Italian restaurant. As a special of the day.

Yeah. Somebody comes in with those crabs. Oh, we have some nice crabs for you. There was a place that was a real good place that was in West LA. It was real good, especially when it opened up. It was called Il Grano. And I think it just went under, unfortunately. But this guy, the chef was an artist man and he made this squid ink pasta with uh with a crab sauce like a light tomatoey crab sauce where it was um i don't know which kind of crab it was

anyway dungeness that's what it was j Jesus Christ, it was spectacular. It was like this black ink pasta that was cooked just perfect, so you chew into it. It's not mushy. It doesn't just dissolve. It's got a little pop to it as you bite into it, and the crab, oh, with the sauce. It was one of my favorite dishes of all time. Now, what's the crab we get in Jersey? I'm getting excited. I think it's Dungeness, isn't it? Is it Dungeness? I don't know. Blue crabs from Maryland, right we get in Jersey? I'm getting excited. I think it's Dungeness, isn't it? Is it Dungeness?

Blue crabs from Maryland, right? I don't know shit about crabs. I should probably shut the fuck up. Because whenever I go to Texas, I get Dungeness crab with the salad. And is Florida the place where they have those king crabs or Alaska? But then there's that other big one.

Is it a rock crab? Rock crab. The ones with the big ass fat claws. What are those? Stone crabs. Stone crabs. Yeah. That's down in Florida, right? Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's in Florida and Texas, I think. I'm not sure. That's a get drunk sort of move. Beers. You eat those things. You eat those things and you drink a shitload of beers and your uncle gets drunk and says, stupid shit.

You wind up getting out of there. But it's crazy, because as a child, I could eat lobster, I could eat any fish, fucking squid, ink. The one I could not eat was crab growing up. Why not? I'd get sick right off the bat. I don't know why. And somebody said it had something,

that crab has something that will make you sick. I didn't start eating crab until maybe 15 years ago. I couldn't eat a crab. I liked the sauce. I could take the sauce, but I had a skin. Iodine. Iodine. Iodine.

Somebody said that's what it is. It's heavy in iodine. I don't know if it's true. I don't fucking know what's in food or not. But for years, I couldn't eat it. I started eating crab again Tuesday nights at Miyagi, when we used to do comedy there, and they used to lip sync in there and shit,

when they had one of those stone crab rolls, and I didn't get sick, so I started eating it again. Wow. But for years I'd get sick off crab every time. Anything else could go down. Crabs, clams, whatever. I just went to Boston, and I went to legal seafoods and i got those big clams every day and they held 12 and jesus a little horseradish a little oh my god those

things are delicious because you got the steamers right with the tails and you don't like those i love those you're making a face like you didn't like them the steam is rough when you're eating that tail dip Dip it in butter. Dip those in butter. That was the first day. And then I said, wait a minute. I'm going to switch it up to those big fucking clams. Cherrynecks, right?

Cherrynecks. Those are good. Those are very good. I think I prefer them over oysters. Really? The cherrynecks? Yeah. I never had oysters.

They have more snap to them. Oysters don't work for me either. The clams have more snap when you're when you're eating raw it's interesting because we never thought about that as that being sashimi you know you're just getting clams or you're getting oysters but it's raw fish it's raw seafood seafood you know i mean it really is how is that any different than you know getting raw scallops at a sushi place it's kind of the same that is is a weird thing. We cook almost everything. We cook fish,

but there's spots where you can go where they don't cook it. It's fucking delicious. It's very good. They just give it to you raw. You go to Alaska, have you? Yeah, I've been to Alaska. You get the halibut up there? I haven't done that where it's fresh and you eat it raw.

Two different worlds, man. Halibut sushi is really good. I would imagine if you got it, like, right off the fish, it would be amazing. Amazing. Yeah, it's weird that we have these sort of rules, like, as far as, like, food preparation. And it just changed with sushi. Like, think of this country up until sushi. Like, no one was serving raw fish anywhere until what?

I mean, what year did sushi come out? The 80s or something? 70s. I remember Japanese restaurants in New York City. I don't remember sushi. But sushi's a thing. Then sushi blew up. I didn't try sushi until Seattle, like, 95.

Really? I stayed away from it, yeah. But once I was in, I was fucking all in. I definitely remember sushi when I was a kid. I remember it from when I was, like, 18, 19 years old. I definitely remember sushi when I was a kid. I remember it from when I was like 18, 19 years old. I remember that. So it had to be before then. So maybe it was like the 70s.

If you think about it, culinarily speaking, if you could do that, that's a long ass time. With no sushi. A long ass time in this country. All those years with no sushi. and then all of a sudden sushi. Now, you've been to Japan? Yeah. And is the sushi different in Japan? I don't really know.

I couldn't say that honestly because I went to a couple places. I didn't go to a lot of places. We were only there for the UFC, so it was pretty in and out. But the sushi that we found there was like you know it it was you're in a japanese restaurant it has a totally different feel because you're in japan i mean you're in japan the people can barely speak english if they speak english at all the menus are all in both um japanese and english which is pretty cool it's one of the cool things about traveling. A lot of people speak English. So there's a lot of places you can go

where you can at least sort of get by. They speak enough English so you can get by. And that's the case. It's a weird thing, man, with Japan. It's a totally different world like when you go to Japan like their culture is so interesting the way they choose to behave like collectively is so interesting they're super polite they have giant crowds of people in the streets and there's no issues everybody like walks by each other with no problems it's like it's it seems like

even though it's an accelerated culture and obviously they get a lot of shit done they make a lot of things it's they have giant businesses and it's a small place if you look at how tiny it is how many people are stacked in there but they're super polite really i mean it's amazing how little crime how you know how much order you have and then every now and then you have these uh dudes who've come from other countries and decided like oh this is an easy pickings place we were there we ran into um we were walking to a restaurant and we ran into uh these uh african dudes are trying to get you to go into these massage places and they're like super aggressive about it you know like whoa this is interesting So you have all these polite Japanese guys,

and then these really slick, streetwise dudes have moved into spots, and you can see them sort of work in these places, but they're in Tokyo, which is overall just really, really polite. It's interesting. It's really interesting. Apparently, I didn't experience it, but apparently they have a really, especially the older folks, do not like white people. They just are not really into Americans being

around. We bombed them. Oh yeah, I know. I mean, you think they're going to forgive us that quick? We don't think about that. In our generation, we don't think about that. That's why I don't eat Vietnam food for a long time. I'm like, we just fought them. They want to poison us.

You want to go down and eat Vietnamese fucking egg rolls? They just fucking poison us. I would poison you. You know? Yeah. It's funny how the menus, like, what we think Chinese, that's why I asked you, because what we think Chinese food is here is completely different over there because it gets Americanized, and the same thing goes for sushi.

Bob Sapp told me that. When we were shooting along his yard, he said the sushi was more a little primitive over there, like they'll come out with a fucking octopus, you know, like shit like that. Well, there's a lot of places that'll do that. Jamie, I need a cup. You want that one?

No, no, no. I'll use this one. When, you know, I was watching something on food, and they were talking about a place in Japan where you go get some type it's a place where they only serve food that has, it's an aphrodisiac. Only? Like it's bull's balls and

something's eyeballs or something. So you go in there to get tuned up for a date. Like when you go to El Paso, Texas, okay? If you go towards the end of El Paso, Texas and get Mexican soup, like Yucatan fish soup, there's a couple heads in there with the eyeballs

looking right at you. You wouldn't find that here in California. They'd have a fucking heart attack. But once you get more of those towards the country itself, they start showing their culture. Like we don't know nothing about bull's balls. It's something to do with bulls and how they put it in a soup or something. It's a special of the day, and the women can eat it also.

But it just becomes something different. That's why I was asking you about the food. Well, the one place that we went to, there was at least two sushi places, but one place we went to was supposedly a great place. I think Bourdain might have recommended it to me. Name drop. But when we went in there, it was just, you know, same stuff that you get here. Really fresh, really, you know, it was right out of the ocean, I'm sure.

But that's the same thing here. We share the ocean. A lot of the same fish. But the Japanese fish people, Japanese sushi places only buy from Japanese fishing guys. They keep it. Like my buddy sold fish back east, and I used to say to him, you don't sell to the Japanese people? Nope. It's well known at that market where the mafia ran.

Oh, really? When you go there in the morning, you see the Italians, you see the white, the Irish, and the Japanese people, because they have different types of fish and what they do with it, I think. I'm sure. They have that poison blowfish, right? But they tell you not to eat sushi when? On Mondays and some other day, because the fish is old. Oh, really?

So they always say the fish order comes Tuesday or something, and Thursday, that's when you get sushi. Don't eat sushi. I don't know. I don't know. It's one day. How long can you keep sushi before it's, like, terrible? If you had to guess. If you buy a big piece of tuna, how long before you have to serve that?

I can't imagine it would be very long. Very long, no. Like a few days at the most. I don't trust fish, and I don't trust pork a lot of times. You got to be careful with those two. Those two, just a little slight in the cooking cooking and you're fucking in the hospital, Jack. Domestic pork isn't so much anymore,

but it used to be for sure. Freezing fish for 24 hours, allowing it to thaw in the refrigerator would reduce harmful bacteria, making the fish safer. Oh, I see. That's interesting.

So they free, oh, this is interesting. Fish made for, fish for making homemade sushi should be purchased from a seamonger, not a local grocery store. That's interesting.

What's a seamonger? Seamonger is a dude who goes and buys it straight off of the boats. And he only has it, like he has it that day. There's a guy I used to train with in Revere who was a seamonger. He would come and take Taekwondo in my class. And this dude had a truck. And he would drive his truck to the boats and negotiate a price and buy fish and then deliver that fish to restaurants.

That was his thing. It's really interesting, man, because we talked about it. And he was telling me what a grind it was, like how much work is involved and what he does. I mean, he just works. He was getting up early, early in the morning. Early in the morning, you put an answer. What'd you tell him?

You go to, like, 20 restaurants, and you go, listen, I have salmon, I got calamari, and I got yellowtail. Yeah. Right? That's my fucking shit. Yeah, you pull up in a truck. Let's say you're a calamari restaurant. Right. And you sell 25 pounds a day of, you know, fry, like like where I grew up, Rudy's.

Rudy's is basically a calamari restaurant. People go in, that's the appetizer. They buy 50 pounds a day. They probably got three different guys they go through. And Chris was one of them. He was Italian, never Italian, no how to cook it. So he would go over to, he had a great job for years, man. You know what happened? He got smart,. You know what happened? He got smart.

And that's what happened. He got smart. When he kept it simple, his was very easy. He went to restaurants, he said, this is what I have really good, and he gave him a card with a phone number. He got up at 3 in the morning, he pressed the machine, and this is Joe from Rogan's, let me get 25 pounds of calamari and 10 pounds of yellowtail.

So all he had to do now is add up so he would get your 10 pounds of squid, his 20 pounds, his 30, and Sarah, I need 100 pounds of squid. He would go down there and there's people actually cut a deal for that. You know what, I want this a pound. Take 100 pounds, I'll give it to you for this.

His money changed every day. His money changed every day. His money changed every day. So once he'd go to the boat, buy it, and then he'd deliver it, and that was it. No overhead, no real insurance, no freezes, no nothing. Anything he had left over, that's what he went and took home to his family to cook. What happened was he went partners with a guy who got a freezer. They stocked up on the fucking food They stocked up on the fish

New York had a power outage He lost 60 grand, that was the end of everything He lost 60, the partner lost like 80 Because they went and got gavones And spent all this money on wholesale You and I both know that's a daily thing That's a daily thing You've been living for 10 years on a daily.

Now you want to think about the future and buy a bunch of fish? And that's the night that, like, a week later, the power went out when he moved into his warehouse. Jesus Christ. They had to go in the middle of the night and fish, ice things. You got to take stuff out and ice them. Jesus. Yeah, they didn't have such good insulation back then either. How long was the power out for?

Like 12 hours that time in New York. This was like 10 years ago. You know, they have coolers now that keep things, like they keep ice for seven days outside. Have you seen these coolers? No. They're crazy. Like there's a bunch of different really high-end coolers, and most of it was started, at least to my knowledge, by this company called Yeti.

And Yeti coolers, they make these outdoor coolers that people use when they go camping or something like that. And they're real thick. And you put ice in those fucking things. You close the lid. Open that lid in seven days, there's going to be ice in there. It's crazy. The insulation properties of these things are nuts.

They have a seal. Like, you pull down these rubber straps to seal it in. They're not cheap. They're fucking heavy as shit, too. They're really heavy. You know, most coolers are really light. These things are not light. Oh, yeah.

If you want your ice to fucking stay for seven days. They're crazy, though. It's crazy what they can do. Like, they somehow or another figured out some insulation method that retains cold for a long time. But they didn't have that shit in the 70s. Imagine the ice house in Pasadena. Used to be an ice house. Used to be a place where they would deliver ice and you would go and get a chunk of that shit for your ice box.

And you would have an ice box in your refrigerator and that's where you keep your milk and whatever you're going to eat that day. But you went to the market every day. For ice? Yeah. You went to the market for ice. Maybe ice every few days. But you went to the market every day for food. You didn't just have a refrigerator.

You opened up, pull out packages of meat, packages of chicken. Nobody did that. This is really rare. When there was no refrigeration think about that that's not that long ago for most of human history there's been no refrigeration that's why people used to go to war for salt joey they used to go to war for salt because salt was how you could keep your food fresh. You'd have to take a piece of meat and cover it with salt. Cover it completely. And that would keep bacteria from growing on it.

That's how they took care of their meat. That's like they would salt their fish when they would go to sea. Salt would be so valuable. It's like there were salt wars in the world. For fucking salt. Which is worth nothing now. Just crazy. Like if you went all in on salt back then, you're like, dude, people are going to war for this shit.

And then today you went to a fucking diner and they have little packets. You could just take them. Like you could take them, go to In-N-Out Burger. There's a whole box. How many can I take? You take as many as you want. You could take as much salt as you want. What are you, fucking crazy?

You'd call your Viking friends. They're giving salt away at the burger place you would just come in there and steal all the salt salt back then would you kill people for salt because that's how people like it would allow you to keep food longer which is insane like that was like imagine going to war for refrigerators you know if like japan had the refrigerators and we didn't, and there was a war to try to get refrigerators because it's the only way you would keep your food longer.

That's literally what people were doing. They were going to war for salt. When you watch the Honeymooners, they drain their refrigerator. Now I figured out why. Yeah, it was an ice cube. She would pick the thing up and drain it in the Honeymooners, and that's why. They probably put an ice cube in there, they close it. Yeah. That's how they do and drain it in the Honeymooners, and that's why. They probably put an ice cube in there.

They close it. Yeah. That's how they do it. Well, the Honeymooners, though, was electrical, so they probably did have refrigerators, but a lot of those things would freeze up. The ice boxes, you'd have to defrost them. Do you remember that? Yes.

Yes. They would fucking- They would freeze. Your freezer would literally be like, the inside of it would be like a Yeti's- A fucking ice cave. Yeah, like be like like a ice cave yeah like a Yeti's ice cave in a monster movie well you see now you have freezeless freezers well they call them something that your freezers don't I say yeah I said they don't you don't have to defrost them right but we used to chip

out him with a fucking fucking hit with you yeah you know I was a kid I used to use my air conditioner year round. Like my mom used to go, are you fucking crazy? I'd put the air conditioner in my room year round, and it would get a brick of ice on it. I'd have to look. Wow. That's what happens when you put it on the winter. I guess the inside would freeze.

I'd have to fucking turn it off and let it come down a little bit. The inside would fucking freeze. Remember those old school heaters that would make noise when they were starting up? Like clink, clink, clink, clink. Those radiator heaters. You would hear them. They'd go tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, tap.

It was this hot fucking chunk of metal in your house. And if you leaned on it, it would sear your skin like a George Foreman grill. And that's how you kept your fucking house warm. Remember those goddamn things? Those are ridiculous. Those metal things? Yes. Those heavy, you ever pick one of those motherfuckers up?

Giant fucking heavy things. Those radiators, man. Those water heaters. Hot water would go through them, and they would heat up. And that's what you used to keep your house warm. Those things were ridiculous. And you put a box over them, and even if you sat on the box by mistake,

you'd fucking burn. Yeah, and the only thing warm in your fucking house at all would be, like, within 15 feet of that thing. And they always put them under the window. Exactly. They would put the heater under the fucking window. Like, I never figured that out. So you'd stand there and get burnt, but there was like a draft or some shit.

Yeah. They didn't have anywhere else to put it. You couldn't put it in the middle of the room. I forgot all about those metal fucking things. You know, you get like a house, like the last house I had in Studio City had no fucking heat. What? When they built it, it had no fucking heat. Because they didn't think people in California needed heat.

No. That's weird. Those Burbank houses, those old houses, they old houses they have heat or they put a little box like you're only gonna use it let me tell you something you come out of the shower you need to eat Jack I don't give a fuck who you are when you come out of that shower and you turn that water off you need heat that's a trick they do in Topanga Canyon there's a lot of houses in Topanga Canyon don't have air conditioning like you don't need it maybe you need it one or two days a year.

Fuck you. I don't live off that breeze. People in Venice will invite you over. Meanwhile, you're fucking melting there. Sweat's coming out of you. And they're like, we don't have air. We leave the windows open. It's so, fuck you.

You should have told me this on the invite. I wouldn't have came. We have no air. We live by the fucking, I wouldn't have came. I want air. I gotta have something. You gotta hit me with something. Some people like to have like a thin sheen of perspiration on them all the time. No, man. Shiny. You gotta have

a little bit of air, something to just... Something. I don't want my hands to freeze or nothing. I know what you mean, man. I agree with you 100%. You know, that shit works in Colorado. Like, when I live in Colorado, you do leave your window open one inch, and your house will fucking freeze to death in the winter. Just one inch.

That shit don't happen here. That never happened here. I'm always fucking warm here, and these people who say, well, the breeze dries you out, don't fucking do nothing for me. Well, it's nice sometimes, but if it's 98 degrees in Balibu. No, you got dick. Yeah, you're fucked. You got dick. And that happens. That happens. I mean, it only happens sometimes but if it's 98 degrees no dick yeah And that happens that happens I mean only happens a couple days a year

But it happens but it happens that day you invite me over the house to watch the fights or something And that's the day I go fucking ape shit It just seems like why would you have such a big nice house and not have air conditioning? Like I've seen people's houses. They're like this is a nice house man. You got a great house, but you don't have air conditioning. Like, I've seen people's houses. They're like, this is a nice house, man. You got a great house. But you don't have air conditioning. Is it a money thing? Is it an environment thing? No, they want to be different and break my balls. They want to be different.

That's what they want to do. They want to be great. They want to be different. I'm like, we don't live off air. And then they start making excuses for air. Well, the something factor in there raises your confidence. What the fuck are you talking about? I just want to be comfortable a little bit.

Is air conditioning bad for you? I just want to be comfortable a little bit. Is air conditioning bad for you? I've never heard air conditioning is bad for you. Well, these people will find something bad for it. There's certain people that find something bad. Look, I can't get a tattoo, Joe, because I can't see needles. But I'll tell you that off the bat. There's people that will say they hate tattoos. Why do you hate?

I just hate tattoos. No, you don't hate tattoos. You can't see fucking blood, so you can't get a tattoo. That's why you hate them. I just hate fucking needles. When I went to the doctor yesterday, she goes to me, all right, so I'm going to give you this steroid, and I'm going to give you this for your ears.

She goes, I'm going to give you a shot. And then she goes, no, I'm not. And she goes, I remembered the surgery. You're a fucking nightmare with needles and shit. When it comes to all that, they couldn't find the vein, the surgery. That's a fucking nightmare. Three plugs, it drove me. I was ready to go home.

Listen, if you don't find the vein this time, we go home. Really? Yeah, I'm done. You poked me three fucking times every time I faint. Let's do the wrist. Look at these fucking veins in here. Finally, she found the vein in my hand. Look at that. There's veins right there. I's do the wrist. Look at these fucking veins in here. Finally she found the vein in my hand. There's veins right there.

I hate all that shit. Needles, blood. As soon as I walk into the doctor where he checks my blood pressure, before I walk into a doctor, I could be 130 over 80. I walk into a doctor's office, it shoots up to 190 over fucking 130. Yeah, we always look at people who

do drugs intravenously like, that's next level. That's next level. You're shooting it up. You're opening your vein with a piece of metal and you're injecting some liquid in there. Ooh, that's deep. You just threw all protocol out the window. That's why if you ever hear about someone who's like, ah, he does coke.

When someone says, this guy does a lot of coke, I put him in this category. Someone goes, that guy smokes a lot of weed. I put him in that category. Someone goes, he shoots heroin. I go, oh, this motherfucker goes over here. This is a different category. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's slow something down. You know how much pain I had in my heart the first time I had to put something in my nose? How much? It's not a different category. Let's slow something down. You know how much pain I had in my heart the first time I had to put something in my nose? How much? It's not a good feeling. It's not a good feeling. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. I think about it now.

It's horrible. You just made a big leap. To being a guy who does coke. The first time I put something in my nose, it wasn't coke. What was it? It was angel dust. It was THC crystal. Jesus Christ.

They called it THC crystal. THC. It was, you know, they called it THC crystal. THC? Crystal. That's what they called it. But they didn't call it THC like pot crystal. No, what you did in those days was there was a thing that you took a bunch of stems. You got, you took a pound of stems. You got a pound of weed, you took those stems,

you put them in a little bit of water and you boil it. The powder that goes to the end of the thing, they would scrape that up, mix it with some cutter, and then you could snort that. That was the beginning. So that was okay. Okay, some TAC crystal. So what does that do for you?

What does it feel like? Does it feel like edibles? Yeah, it feels like an edible. But they got hip and they started putting angel dust and gorilla tranquilizers and, you know, fucking donkey fucking pills. And next thing you know, you have—I mean, I had a great time doing that shit. I'm not going to lie to you. I loved doing that crystal shit. Yeah?

Loved it. So this is the snorting— I never heard about that. Snorting or smoking. Snorting or smoking. Or smoking. Essentially edible cannabis. But it wasn't no edible cannabis.

It's totally different. It was Gorilla Biscuits. All right? So you had two choices. You could either go down to like a place and buy. But for $10, you got three lines. When you're 16 or 15, each line is $3. Each line, we're high for 12 hours.

Wow. Fucking gone. 12 hours. Gone. Eight hours of heavy. 12 hours? Gone. Eight hours of heavy duty like you're lost. Well, it's hard to tell now because your tolerance is so high. But if you had to compare it to like an edible, is it like a 200 milligram? Gone.

Gone compared to an edible. 500 milligrams. Gone. Gone. No, no, no. Two cheevy. It's just a different area. It's like taking something that you actually go to a different fucking realm.

It's not like doing an edible. Like, I've done some edibles, and I've gone to different realms. Don't get me wrong. But first couple times you do THC. Like, one time I was working. I graduated high school. This is the tail end of my crystal career. I wasn't even doing it at the time.

The crystal career. Yeah, because I did crystal tea from I was probably 15, maybe 14 and a half, up to the point my mother died. Then cocaine took over. Then cocaine just said, fuck all that shit. There was no more acid. Cocaine came in that heavy in 1980. So before 1980, you were doing the pills,

and you were doing the fucking THC crystals and all that shit but after the cocaine just swamped it so in 82 I graduated I was working the city for this bookie and I went over one day and they go listen we're not going to do the horses today my dad can't come if you want to hang out for the afternoon

so I said fuck it I'll just take the day off and I'll never forget this I went walking I saw some girl. And I was walking into one of those spots to get reefer. I was going to get weed. My day was over, let me get weed. I don't have to come back tonight from Jersey. And some black girl came up to me.

Had to be 10 in the morning. And she goes, you want to split a tray? I said, sure. A tray was a $3 bag of angel dust. So you opened it up and it was just a little lime, and you took it and sprinkled it on your joint. They sold it right there at the reefer spot. Whoa.

And you would roll it and smoke it, and I smoked that with her at 10. At 8 o'clock at night, I remember taking the bus over from being with her and going, I'm still fucked up. Like, now I can talk. But you know, at the end of the day, because we smoked it, and then we just sat there and talked all day.

And three hours in, she told me she was pregnant. Whoa. And that's when she, I go, pregnant? And she opened up her jacket, and I could see her belly. Whoa. I didn't know before that. I never forgot that. Oh, man.

I never forgot that. But I remember going over the fucking bridge and going to a bar and going, if I'm still fucked up at 9 o'clock at night, what are I and that baby like? Man. That's fucking crazy. That is fucking crazy. Wow. We just went to a park and sat there

and talked and read the daily news and the fucked up weather. I don't know if we went to eat. I don't remember what we did. We didn't have sex. Nothing like that happened. We just hung out all day. We were that fucked up. That's the crazy thing about being born. You can't pick your parents.

That kid just got a shit roll of the the dice his mom's doing angel dust damn anybody that gets like uh loses their perspective that's a real perspective enhancer right there that idea that poor kid and that poor girl that she's so fucked up whatever happened to her led her to become that kind of person takes angel dust while she's pregnant fuck man oh my god so weird like we know things are bad for us but the feeling it gives you, you won't want to do bad things to yourself. It's this little trick. It's like this bad thing to you that's piggybacked on a good time.

It's like it gives you a good time. It's like I'll give you a good time if you let me poison you. How much of a good time? Oh, you're going to remember a lot of fun times. I'm going to poison you though, okay? You're like, okay, okay, okay. I'll get off it eventually. Oh, yeah.

You'll get off of it. Sure, for sure. I'm going to give you a good time. And it just latches ahold of you and poisons you when you let it. But how many poisons are there, Joe, from McDonald's to steroids? Yep. I mean, how many fucking poisons? Booze.

You want me to tell you what the worst poison I've ever done is? Yeah. The worst. The worst. Right now. Cigarettes. Really? When I shot that special, I was smoking reefer outside, and I didn't want to smell like reefer

when I went in. There was a cop. And I took a cigarette from somebody, like a light, and I just took two hits off it. I felt it the next day. Really? Like, I'm like, this is hard. When you don't smoke for a long time, and then you smoke, you're like, oh, shit. Because I tell you what, Joe, I live on the deep end from time to time.

I'll have a Dewars and ginger ale on a flight somewhere, you know? An alcohol drink doesn't fucking run with me for 12 hours, bro. I don't drink alcohol like everybody else. You've never been a big drinker. No, but I like it. I like the taste of Dewars and ginger ale. I like Irish cream on the rocks, whatever the fuck it is. You know, I came in before.

I was early and I was looking through your whiskey thing, that Jack Daniels, the Sinatra. That smells fucking tremendous. Want to do a drink? Not in a million fucking years. All right. A drink affects me completely different than it affects anybody. I drink one of those those I can't drive home I gotta sleep in here

I cannot drink and drive it's against always always fucked me up like they're watching me maybe that's why you don't like booze it's like it has a stronger effect on you maybe no I don't like booze because I grew up in a bar you and I have a common knowledge that I talked about the other day

I'm at a point in my life I can't take drunk people. But I'm going to be honest with you. I couldn't take drunk people when I was 20. I was just drunk and doing drugs, so I understood them. Now, when somebody comes up to me drunk, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's a hard time when you're sober and they're drunk and they're insistent on talking because you're in two different frequencies, and their frequency is very awkward to you. And they don't realize that they're being awkward because they're drunk

you know it's part of the problem so some people are great drunks some people you know they'll have a few drinks and you never notice the thing they're just happy having fun brian callan's a good example that you ever see brian callan drunk no even when he's drunk he's just brian callen drunk you know he's just having fun he's being silly you know he uh he maintains his character you know some people don't and there's certain people that they get drunk and you have to talk to if you're sober and they're drunk it's like wow this is this is getting nowhere brutal you can't yeah they just they don't get it they don't understand that they're drunk. That's the big problem with being drunk is you know you're drunk,

but you don't really know how you sound to sober people. There's just no way. It's nuts. No way you totally know how goofy you look. If everybody's drunk, you're fine. But if one person's sober, you're like, oh, this is so stupid. Yeah, but I realize how fucking shitty I felt the next day off of a half a cigarette.

Like three puffs, I threw it away. Like the next day I could feel it in my body. I could still taste it. But while you're doing it, you have no fucking idea. While you're doing all that shit, how bad is Coke for you? It's your central nervous system. It's why you're doing it. You don't give a fuck. Heroin, Jesus Christ,

it gets to your bones. Yeah, I remember you saying that. That was a great way that you described it. You're like, Joe Rogan, it's in your bones. When you talk to an addict and say to him, how come you can't get off? They'll say to you, man, there's a pain to withdraw from heroin,

even the Oxycontin and those pills, that's synthetic heroin. You get to your bones, bro. Your bones start to hurt. You know, I've spoken to different people. I never went through that with any drug, but I've spoken to people off of heroin. They kick heroin. It's a horror show.

It's a fucking week-long horror show of puking and the other convulsions. That's what you eat. And that, I can't, I didn't do, I did heroin, but I snorted. The first time I fucking put that powder in my nose,

it fucked with me for a while. But I just put it in the back, you just put it in the back file. And then doing coke was another complete horror show for me because I didn't mind doing drugs, I just never wanted to do coke. But when I did coke, that was it. It's like the first time I missed a fucking credit, but like the first time I could make a credit card payment

when I got divorced, it ruined me because it was against my principle, who I was. Like, you always pay your fucking debts you know uh so like if you're doing coke you feel like in yourself like wow I'm letting myself down yeah once you put something up your fucking nose you smacked yourself in the face at that point never mind shooting something in your vein that is a complete yeah that's the next level that's you know I had a friend for years that was hooked on it. I'd come into his house on Monday mornings.

There'd be blood splatters on the walls from him missing the vein. Oh, Jesus. He would buy $100 worth of heroin and eight ball of coke. He was doing a Belushi all weekend. Oh, my God. He would Belushi it all weekend. That's speedball, right? That's like the Coke and the heroin together,

and it creates some sort of a weird effect. It creates fucking a tornado in your brain. You just pass the fuck out. This guy would be clean from Monday. He was brilliant from Monday to Friday. He could keep it together. I think Thursday night he would break down and do a little, like a little

sniff just to keep him together during the week. But once Friday came, you wouldn't see him till Monday morning. And during the week, you would massage his veins. I gotta massage him. I gotta get him going for the weekend and shit. Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. And then he would switch. Like, how can you go from your arm to your toe? I guess you have to. Like, I can't find a vein, Joe. Hold on, let me take my shoe off and fucking shoot my toe. It's just, the first guy I ever had friends with that did steroids, that was one of the most interesting nights of my life.

We were doing coke, and in the middle of everything, He just took off his shirt and started doing push-ups He got up and he goes look at me. What's different before you lift it? He goes no, I started doing steroids and he started breaking it down to me He was getting an addiction to steroids Because he was going there every week and just shooting then he just went off a cycle Then he just stopped breaking it up. He just was on a cycle year round. Wow.

But he was addicted to the needle going in his ass, and then he would shoot it with vitamin B, and he would tell me he could taste the vitamin B in his mouth and shit. Are you fucking... When you shoot coke, you can taste it in your mouth. Are you fucking... Really?

Yeah. So you, bam, you shoot it. Now, shooting coke, how much different is that supposed to be than snorting it? I have no idea. But what about the people that do it? I mean, it must be something crazy, right? Birds of a feather flock together. I hung out with snorters.

Once they talked about needles, that's when I go home. Once I see a needle, I go home. I don't sit in a room where there's a fucking needle because I can't sit still. Once I see that syringe, you don't want go home. I don't sit in a room where there's a fucking needle because I can't sit still. Once I see that syringe, you don't want me around. I don't want to be there. I went to CVS a month ago and they had syringes there.

They give you free syringes and I almost fucking died. I don't like them empty. I don't like them full. I don't like to see them, those people that carry the fixes with them. They call them a fix.

Oh, like a kit. And they have the spoon and the syringe. The lighter and the needle. And this kid. They're gear, right? Isn't that what they call it? They're gear. I would ask him, like, so when you go over there, how do you shoot it?

And he goes, we all stand around. And we all pass the needle. This is 82 when you could pass a needle from one guy to the other and shoot d-ball and fucking deca One needle to another oh then filling it with vitamin B and shooting it They would go why are we gonna you know because if I guess I don't know how the needle works if you keep shooting it gets dull Yeah, just so they would just take one needle pass up with the nine guys I'm into each other.

Just jam it into each other. The first thing you got was hepatitis C. That's the first thing you got from that shit. That's just it. Now, you get hepatitis C if you jam a needle into you that's been jammed into someone with hepatitis C, right? I think so. But you get it from sexual transmission also, correct? Right.

Have you ever thought about that? Like, I've thought about that before. Like, herpes or about that before. Like, herpes or, you know, anything. Warts. There had to be an original case. Like, there had to be one person that developed this.

Like, how does that develop? I've always been curious. Like, how the fuck does something like a herpes develop? At one point in time, no one has herpes. You had syphilphilis and you blow a guy with like spanish syphilis and it becomes the herp they get together and collide that's what happens and become more powerful worse you know like right now supposedly all these diseases they disappear for a while then they make a comeback yeah something was popular last year again. Measles. No, no, sexually. Something came back last year that was popular 10 years ago.

It came back. I don't know which one it was. Gonorrhea or something like that. I got something. I've always had something. You got something right now? Yeah, I've had it for years because at night I get itchy. I don't know what the fuck it is.

As soon as I lay down in bed, I get itchy as a motherfucker. Imagine if you have a long-running colony of crabs that just camped out in your sack. When I took a blood test years ago, they were like, did you have something? I had something. And I go, I don't know. And they go, you must have had something because you got the tail end. I had something.

Like, when I first moved to L.A., I had something. All those years in the road, you're going to get something. Now, if you don't take antibiotics, if you get something like syphilis is what killed Al Capone, right? Like, what happens if, like, other ones, like gonorrhea. Does gonorrhea kill you? I don't know. Or do you just get better? I don't know.

If you had to guess. I think eventually something's got to happen to you. Can gonorrhea be fatal, and can you recover with no medication, Jamie? If you just do the Wim Hof method. What's a Wim Hof? Breathing. Breathing. Just.

Just try to power through the gonorrhea. I don't know. I mean, syphilis kills you. I'm pretty sure syphilis kills, like, everybody that gets it. What's VD? Venereal disease. But that covers everything. Well, it's weird because venereal doesn't sound like sex,

but that's what VD is. You know, VD is a sexual transmitted disease. When you think about someone having VD. When I was about 17, my friend fucked his sister's best friend and he got something. He got VD. He got VD and we went there the next day and there was a chick with like fucking like a Phantom of the Opera

mark on her face. Dog, it was fucking crazy. What was the mark on her face? Like she had like syphilis or something that started here. Like she had a cut in her lip and she sucked a fucked up dick or something. And it ran. I'll never forget

this. It's not even funny. It was really sad because I didn't know what she had. I just went there with my friend. My friend goes, you gotta go in there with me, dog. I'm scared to walk in there. I said, let's go. What's the big deal? They're gonna give you pills, whatever. I didn't know. I wasn't sexually active at that age. Like, he was.

And we went in there while I was waiting for him. This chick came in, did paperwork, and she turned around. And she had gotten something that started here. She had a cut. What's that when you have chapped lips or something? And all this was half purple and red. She sucked something bad. And after that, I was like, I got to be sucks something bad and after that i was like oh i

gotta be careful out there it's a jungle that was the thing when we were kids like someone has vd ah she's got vd be careful he's got vd you know someone having vd was like whoa you hear do you hear betty got vd oh that fucking girl gots. There's a girl on Facebook that's friends with me from high school that her pussy wouldn't get wet. So they used to call her the dry hump of Fairview, New Jersey. They used to call her Fairview, New Jersey. Oh, my God. That's so awful.

That's so fucked up. People are so fucked up. People are so fucked up. This girl was banging. This girl was fucking banging, though. So you'd have to bring Vaseline or something? Yeah, she was from Wayne, New Jersey, and she was banging. She moved to North Bergen when she was a sophomore, and she was dating a few guys and things happened like i was friends with i know

she didn't like me like she she just didn't like me for some reason i didn't think the world of her either and 1984 i'm at a bar and this comes in i mean banging banging banging they also said she had some type of vD so they called the Laurie Jack You know she's got the Jack No, when they see DC sang a song. She's got the Jack Jack Jackson I used to call her name and Jack like that was like they just tormented this girl Oh, and she did like a rocky like a rock guy and had like long hair rocker and one that I saw Rocky and she was banging Joe Rogan,

right? Banging. And I go, you live in North Bergen now? She's like, yeah, I didn't go to college. I'm a, I'm a nanny. I'm a nanny. And she told me the guy's name. And I knew that guy.

That guy had a massage parlor years earlier. The guy that she was being a nanny for. And I go, I go, if she's his nanny, he's just fucking us. Something's got to be wrong. She looked so good in that miniskirt. She disappeared like 1.30. And finally at like 3, I'm sitting there. I'm like, what am I going to do tonight?

And I had like a bag of coke. I go, fuck it. I'm going to go get her. So I went. This is how crazy I was. I went to the dude's house. She told me. I knocked on the door.

It was 3.15 in the morning. And he's like, Coco, what are you doing here? I go, I got to the dude's house, which he told me. I knocked on the door. It was 3.15 in the morning. And he's like, Coco, what are you doing here? I go, I got to talk to Lori. There's something missing. He goes, hold on. Lori? And she came down, and she comes outside. He's got a robe on.

She's got a robe on. And I look her straight in the face. I go, listen, I got like two eight balls in my pocket. Get dressed. Let's get the fuck out of here. And she's like, I can't. I go, you have to. And we argued there for like 10 minutes. I'm like, I balls in my pocket. Get dressed. Let's get the fuck out of here. And she's like, I can't. I go, you have to. And we argued there for like 10 minutes.

I'm like, I want to suck your pussy. I want to do dirty things to you. I don't give a fuck about the VD or the jack or the dry hump. I'm on fire. And she's like, well, give me 10 minutes. And I don't know. How am I going to sneak out of here? I don't know.

So I waited outside for her. She's like, I'll put Lou in bed and I'll run out. About 15 minutes later, I see her running out with her purse with like a bank deposit bag. She's like, fuck him. I can't take it anymore. Fuck him. We were on foot. It's 4 a.m. in the morning.

I'm on Tunley Avenue, North Bergen. There's a bunch of those dirty hotels. So I'm like, oh, I got a score here. I got coke. She's got money. I'm going to fuck her. I'm excited. We go back to a hotel here. I got coke. She's got money. I'm going to fuck her. I'm excited. We go back to a hotel.

We finally register. It's like $30. They asked us if we wanted the jacuzzi in the room and shit. It was one of those dirty hotels on Tunley as you're going to New York City. We went in there. We walk in, and she goes, rule number one, you are not going to fuck me. It's 5 in the morning. There goes my fucking.

There goes this night. And all of a sudden she looks at me. She goes, well, if you could guess the color of my panties, I'll fuck you. I'm like, okay. Red. And she goes, they're green, but good enough. We started snorting coke, eating ass. I mean, it was filthy. I woke up at five in the afternoon and Doug Flutie was throwing that quarterback, that touchdown.

In 1984, 83, Doug Flutie, I was waking up, she was naked, ripped apart. I'm waking up and Doug Flutie's throwing the touchdown. I got dressed and got the fuck out and never saw her again. Never said, and I even robbed the money. I took everything.

She pops up on Facebook about two years ago and I'm like, Laurie, how are you? She's like, fuck you, you fat faggot and all this shit. She's like, you left me there that night, but we had a good time. Fuck yeah, we had a good time. And I hit her back. I go, what color are your panties? And she goes, what's that supposed to mean?

It's fucking tremendous. I knew she gave me something. She had something. But I didn't give a fuck. It was 84. Rock Hudson was dying. I didn't use a condom. I knew the consequences. I'm like, fuck it. So I knew I was going to get something.

And I probably did. I got crabs after that. Over the holidays. I was 84. I got crabs in the 84-85 season. I got crabs. I found out in the bathroom in Port Authority. I went to Port Authority to take a shit, and I pulled my pants down, and I'm sitting there reading a paper, and I see a crab.

Like I saw something jump, and I'm like, what the fuck? And I'd never heard it. I'd never heard it. Nothing. I went home and took my underwear off and got like a magnifying glass. It was over. It was all over me. They were all over the couch.

I had to bring a bomb into the room, like one of those fucking bug bombs, and leave for 12 hours. Did you really? Oh, I grabbed up the whole fucking thing. It was grabbed up for like a month. Oh, my God. The lady next door knocked on my door. I was living in Tenafly, New Jersey. The lady next door knocks. Do you have a bug problem? Tenafly, New Jersey. The lady next door knocks.

Do you have a bug problem? I'm like, no. I don't know what happened. Ever since you moved in here, there's been crabs and shit. Oh, no. My dog had fleas when I was in high school. And you ever have a dog with fleas because the fleas get in the carpet? And they got the eggs or some shit?

They had like a flea collar that you'd put on your dog, but it barely worked. And then they had these flea drops that you'd put on them. The dogs would fucking hate it. You would squirt it on their fur, like at various spots, like right behind the neck and then like in the middle of the back and the lower back. And the dog would go fucking crazy and roll around the ground, try to get that shit off them. But if you didn't do it, your dog's going to get fleas.

And we had carpet. So that means you have fleas so when you're walking i'd like in my bedroom i'd be walking in my carpet and i'd see a flea jump onto my leg i'd be like fuck and once you have it you just have it you know like i mean there was some some carpet stuff that i used to have to shake down so i shake down all this poison shit all over my carpet. And then you'd have to vacuum it up. But there was always one or two that survived. One or two gangster fleas that figured out how to fucking stay away from the powder.

And then figure their way right back onto your leg. And it was hard to get it off the dogs too. Because then they would just go hang out with other dogs. They'd get it again. Even if you cleaned them up and killed all the fleas they got them again you could see the eggs like you'd click like be cleaning them like you wash your dog at the base of their hair you'd find the shaft yeah you could see it's fucking scary fucking gross that's what was going on in your carpeting they would just drop and show over your carpeting

yep yep yeah that's a giant issue if you have dogs. I had a dog once that had distemper. Caught distemper from another dog. It was so sad. He was a puppy, and he would go into convulsions. He would have, like, seizures. He was just a little puppy. It was so sad. We had to wind up putting him down.

And we put him down, man. My veterinarian, this is how good a guy this guy was. He was crying. He cried afterwards, you know, about how hard it is. I mean, the guy just loved dogs, loved cats. And he was just so upset, so upset. It was really crazy, man. It was a weird moment that I'll never forget.

He wound up dying in a car accident drunk driver yeah drunk driver hit him I never forget that I was like wow that guy got killed by a drunk driver that guy he didn't make any sense he was such a nice guy but would he hate marriage I was you know i was young i was like 26 when i first met him you know they'd be like you married i go no you don't get married i'm like okay you just explained to me marriage guys have been through hardcore divorces man they have a fucking way they have a way of grabbing you and putting that urgency in you listen to to me. Listen to me. Don't fucking do it. Okay. Okay.

I won't do it. I won't do it. There's nothing as bad as a divorce. I would say death is probably worse. Some people divorce is great. You know what the problem with a lot of fucking people is? Especially a lot of dudes with money.

Is when you get married, your wife has money too now. Like, before you got married, you were the guy with money. So you had a bunch of money. She's like, wow, I like this guy. He's got money. And then when you get married, guess what? Now she's got money too.

Now she gets to recognize you for you. And so it's not, you're not as cool anymore because you're not just a guy with money. She's got money too now she gets to recognize you for you and so it's not you're not as cool anymore because you're not just a guy with money she's got money too bitch it's her fucking money now and she's like god damn i'm gonna take my share and get the fuck out of here like all of a sudden she's got your money like what happened what happened is like there's a bunch of things that happen when people get married right there's love there, there's commitment, there's a beautiful bond that you guys share. But let's not get confused. Under the exact same rules, with the exact same words, I do, I do, there's a lot of scamming going on. There's a lot of people getting robbed. There's a lot of legal extortion. There's a lot of legal stealing. There's a lot of really hot women who have no

business fucking some old dude. There's a lot of really hot women that are like fucking some guy who's 70 years old and they talk this dummy into marrying them with no prenuptial. They suck his dick for a couple of years and drop the kablooey on them and take a chunk, just take a giant chunk of millions and millions of dollars. That happens too. I'm not saying it shouldn't happen. And I'm not saying it's, it's not an interesting deal. You know, that some people make, you know, like the guy who married Anna Nicole Smith. Remember I used to have that bit about that guy. That was the same kind of thing. It was like nothing wrong with it. knows what it is but you can't like that's not the same like all marriages are not the same so people that were upset about like gay

marriage there's gay people that legitimately love each other and they want to get married you should be upset at this other shit you should be upset that you could go to vegas high on coke go through a drive-thru and get married. You can do that. They're not drug testing you. They take you to those drive-thru Elvis fucking wedding chapels in Vegas. You think they see if you're drunk? They don't give a fuck if you're drunk. You mean maybe you can get an annul tomorrow if you are. I mean, maybe.

I don't know. They don't give a shit. That's marriage, too. It's a bunch of different things. It's a goddamn contract. Marriage is bad for somebody when they lose something. That's what it basically is. They lose a house.

They lose money. If you marry somebody and all of a sudden you go, hey, I don't want to be married no more. Me neither. See you tomorrow. Who's keeping the house? It's your fucking house. Bye. Okay.

That's great. Nobody would get angry. Nobody would get angry. It's when you lose something. Right. Or somebody cheated on you or whatever. I had no money when I got divorced. It wasn't even that alone. So you're like, yay.

Yay. Oh, fuck yeah. When I could do comedy now and the whole thing. Yeah. But there was a kid involved. Right. And there's always fucking something. See, that's when marriage sucks. I also told myself that for years. And it wasn't the marriage that sucked. Sometimes we don't put enough into the

marriage. You know, I didn't know what marriage was when I first got married. I'll tell you what, I know what marriage is now, motherfucker. I know what marriage is now, and that's why it works. I know you have to put time into it. When I first got married, you do the laundry, you cook, and I give you a check, and we fuck. I fuck you when I want. That's not marriage. When you're 25, you think that's marriage. You know, you think that's marriage. That's what I thought. I'll go out and work.

I didn't think you had to pay attention or go to a date night or fucking have to put time into them. You know, I can't do a spot tonight because I'm going to the movies with my wife. You know, you have to put that time in if you want it to fucking work. Yeah, you got to have an actual relationship. That's where it gets tricky. It's hard, you know, it's hard to find someone that you enjoy talking to, you know, that you enjoy being with.

Not just doing stuff with, but just sitting alone and talking. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard to find people that are on the same wavelength as you. It's hard to find people that want to talk about the things you want to talk about

or want to, you know, want to see things through your perspective and that you want to see things through their perspective that you want to have these open kind of honest conversations it's not easy to find someone like that these poor people that we all know that are on like dating apps like uh especially smart women i know a lot of smart women that cannot find a fucking man to save their life. And you look at it, you're like, I don't get it. Smart, ambitious, powerful woman. Hot. Can't find a man.

It's hard out there. It's hard. To find somebody that you sync with, that you could talk to. I think it's way easier for a dude to find a cool chick than it is for a girl to find a guy who's got his shit together. Maybe I'm just guessing. But I think it's probably harder. There's a lot of single women out there that are fucking good looking, have jobs and shit.

But we also know them like that too. It runs two ways, Joe. We didn't get that close to them that we didn't see what their idiosyncrasies were. Even with us, there's a bunch of women that look at you and go, oh, I'd love to be with them. And then they get with you and they're like, this guy flies out of town every fucking weekend. I can't be. You know what I'm saying?

Like little things that they don't understand. Am I coming? No. Have you ever had guys that you're friends with who like back up off the comedy because they get a new Girlfriend the new girlfriend's like I don't want you going out. You know I don't want you doing sets every night You don't have to do them every night like but I do if I want to get better like that's like you know how like Baseball players to go to the field and practice yeah, I have to go on stage. It's the same thing

You don't think about it that way because you don't do it, but you gotta understand it's the same thing. When I dated the stripper, the crazy bitch, she didn't understand that. She was awesome, by the way. No, she wasn't awesome. She was retarded. You and her together were one of my favorite couples of all time. She's retarded as shit. She's still retarded. She posted a picture of her boyfriend now.

He's got cockeyed. She's a fucking nut. It was one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. She's a millionaire now. You know, she's a fucking gazillionaire. Yeah, you told me. And she dates these fucking dudes. Where'd she get all the money again?

She, well, at first, when we broke up, she went to Florida. And she ended up marrying this old Hindu guy. There you go. Like, he was 76. They lasted three months. He died. Like, what was I saying? Left him, left her his money.

There you go. She took the money and invested in gyms. Curves. Bought one, bought two, bought three, bought four, became like a fucking... A mogul. And then sold them all when they were still hot. Wow. And they went out of business.

Curves went out of business? I think something, something. I don't know. They're not as popular as they were anymore. Well, the whole idea was like, don't went out of business. Curves went out of business? I think something, something. I don't know. They're not as popular as they were anymore. Well, the whole idea was like, don't work out that hard. Like, you can keep your curves. Just come on in. Oh, I thought it was a place just for women.

No one's ambitious. I thought it was just for women. I didn't know what it was. I'm just kidding. Oh, okay. But yeah, it is just a place for women. But you know, you hear it like curves. You think of it as, you know.

When you say embrace your curves, yeah, definitely. Sure. What are you saying, though? What are you really saying? Are you saying embrace your curves? Are you saying, you know, don't work out that hard? What are you saying? Don't bother getting fit?

What are you saying? I don't know what you're saying. You can't go there. You can't work out there. No. But you can never have a men-only gym. No? No.

If you had a men-only gym? It would be empty. Well, it wouldn't even matter. Like, women would protest. Half of these fucking humps go to the gym to see girls anyway. Most of them. Most of them do, so that's why it would be empty. There's a lot of guys who go to the gym and they don't even get motivated unless girls are working out there.

They want to look at them. Look at them while they work out. Their yoga pants it's very primal you know you're like naked but covered up with like cloth like paint it's like paint cloth that little monkey sweating right there yoga pants you're feeling like trump i'll grab that monster i was with my friend cameron haynes in. We were working out at this gym, and there was this girl that was, you know those hardcore gym girls? Those hardcore gym girls who just, I follow a couple of them on Instagram,

and they do squats and fucking, they're doing like, a perfect example is that guy Kieran who is here, Kieran Fitzgibbons, his wife's name is Jack Jessica. She's like a CrossFit champion, and she's just ridiculously fit. Just ridiculously fit. But those kind of like gym girls, don't they scare the fuck out of you a little bit? A little crazy? I don't say nothing to them.

I just walk right past them. There's a girl at the Y that does deadlifts, the whole fucking thing. She's brutal. She's fucking brutal. Me and Cam Haynes were looking at her, and Cam was like, I want to be built like her. Because I wish I had her build. She was jacked. This lady was just doing squats, and she had fucking powder on her hands and shit.

Big ass neck. Deadlifts. Some women just embrace that they love it now if they were told they can't go to a gym because it's an all-male powerlifting gym but the problem is like a girl goes to a gym and hits on guys it's really not that big of a deal but if a guy goes to an all-girl gym starts hitting on the girls that becomes that becomes gross that becomes like harassment like you can't you can't work out it's just a different feeling it's a different feeling for them to hit on us than it is for us to hit on them there's no it's not the same kind of danger you know a guy

hitting on a girl there's like a certain element of danger involved in that right the girl like if some crazy girl comes to the gym she's like yeah how about uh give you a deadlift you know what i mean you wouldn't you wouldn't feel threatened you'd be like get out of here crazy to lose you but like if you go to crunch like say you go to those hollywood gyms and all those you see that the girls get ready an hour before they go to the gym. Makeup, the hat with the tail coming out. They're trying to make an appearance. The fucking color coordinator.

I mean, they go to those gyms to get picked up. And the guys that go there, they go for action too. When you go to the Y, it slows down a little bit. There's still a couple women that go in there, they get a stab. And I see them all the time. They go in there with the little towels and the yoga pants and they're mingling with the trainers and shit. But then you go to other gyms and that's not even happening.

It's just certain gyms call for that, man. Yeah. You also recognize what a person's got going on physically. You see some girl doing one of those things, you got that butt bomb machine. You know that one, like they're sending out pheromones and shit, and they're showing you their shape, you know, they got yoga pants on, or shorts, shorts are risky, especially when you're doing them kind of kicking maneuvers, or there's any sort of opening there and some things get pushed to the side and come

fucking flying out of the bottom of there you gotta be careful it's a dangerous move but you're you're seeing them exert you're seeing them work hard you're seeing them show their vitality you know when they're lifting their and it's always like some dude helping him. Come on, one more, one more, one more. But she's not just doing that for him. She's doing that for other guys, too. She's, like, putting out that scent, accelerating the game. The whole competition just ramps up a couple of notches while she's doing squats. Ass out, ridiculous.

Squats. Deep. Ass out. Ridiculous. Squats. Deep. Clink. High fives the guys. Walks around. Makes eye contact with the audience. See who's checking her out hard. There was a girl at the Y.

When I first started going to one in Hollywood. Spanish girl. Torture. Torture. She wouldn't shave her armpits. Whoa. And the sweat would drip from her armpit, and here's where it gets better.

She would always wear gray sweatpants, and she wouldn't wear underwear, so you could see the sweat from her monkey come right through the fucking... So she'd be walking up to you, and you'd see the fucking wet thing. Jesus Christ. Right, her camel toes. She didn't give a fuck.

She was hot and fucked too. She was young, you know, I'm an old man. I wouldn't talk to her, but I'd see her in there talking to the different guys, but she'd be benching and she'd open up her thighs and that little swamp would just be fucking drenched with sweat. It was

tremendous. I would look at it and shake my fuck this girl's you know hollywood man that's what happened listen i went to hollywood yesterday morning i had to be there at lunchtime and i'm driving i'm in a light i see a black dude that weighed he was six feet weighed 120 pounds that skinny with a clean eastwood hat on from fistful of dollars and the poncho from clint and he was standing next to a big fat white, with a Clint Eastwood hat on from Fistful of Dollars and the poncho from Clint Eastwood. And he was standing next to a big, fat, white dude with a beard like Jesus with sandals and the Jesus thing. And I said to myself, dog, I'm in Hollywood.

This is it. This is it. This is what I'm going to see, you know? You see that at the comic store almost any night. Almost any night, you see that one dude who dresses like Jesus? Yeah, he comes by. No explanation. One time he came by and he wasn't dressed like Jesus.

I was disappointed. I've seen that guy a hundred times, at least, dressed like Jesus. And then one time I saw him, he wasn't dressed like Jesus. I was like, what the fuck are you doing here, man? Like, once you commit to that outfit, right? Have you ever seen him without the Jesus outfit? Yeah, I think once. Once.

Yeah. He said he walks in there like Jesus, too, with his head down like they're pulling it from the back. That's interesting. I mean, he found something. He found his niche. I guess. There used to be a dude. You remember the guy who used to walk up and down the street with a cross on his back?

No. He had a bunch of people behind him? Yeah. No. Yeah, there was a dude who used to walk down the street with a cross and sometimes people would carry the cross. Sometimes he would like strap it on his back, but he would walk down with a bunch of disciples. They all had Bibles and they would start like yelling out different different quotes from the Bible. And they would tell them to people in the front patio. This is back before the front patio had a bar.

Remember, the front patio was basically wasted space until the new administration came along. When did they open up the bar at the front patio? I don't know how many years ago. It was before I came back. But now it's a vibrant little bar. It was always something. Remember, Corey had it. Princess Corey had it.

But she opened it just so she could drink. That's it. I mean, she used to open it. She would walk away people be like where's the bartender? You know it was never really they would break even every night It would sell like nine beers or something now. It's a fucking bar like you said do you know they used to do shows there? Where on that back patio they had a stand-up show there? They would set up a mic out there when When? They did it a couple of years ago, apparently. But the neighbors complained.

Before we came back, they would have, like on open mic night, they would have a spill-out show where they would have an open mic night out there on the patio.

But apparently, people were just yelling out, Conn! Or something. I mean, they're yelling into a microphone. That's such a heavy fucking... You know,

I was watching Almost Famous the other day. You ever watch Almost Famous? Yeah, I love that movie. Almost Famous was on. I was whatever, and I was watching it. And they got to the part when they were at the hotel next door. And actually, you see them crossing the street in the store. The lights are blinking at the store.

It's supposed to be 1969. What are they going to do with the store? Fucking put a board over it? Right. But that but that was the hotel like that was a hot hotel when the store went from zeros to the store was it closed down for a while i'm not sure because the store is was open in the 70s right i want to say 74 something is that right 72 Is that right? 72, 74. 72? 72. 72. So that, but Ciro's was in like the Bugsy Siegel days, which was what?

Wasn't that like the 1930s or something? No. 20s? When was the Bugsy Siegel? Maybe the 50s? Yeah, must be, right? Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Right.

Vegas. I think the 50s. It was, Ciro's was closed in 1957, and then it was Rock Club, Rock and Roll Club in the 1960s. Wow, what was that called? I just had it on the other page. It's the best spot in Hollywood. It doesn't say what it was called. You were just saying, we were talking one day, and you said that there must be like a beam that shoots down to put all those people together at the comedy store well if you look at that fucking almost famous i mean everybody

stay at that hotel next door that was the spot where you just checked in when you weren't on tour yeah we're not on tour this week what do you want to do let's go to the riot house and get fucked up for a week and a half you know yeah it's amazing how those two spots are next to each other like they're so legendary and they're next to each other. I'd like to get some sort of fucking Native American medicine man to walk around that place and tell me what kind of spirits he senses. 200 years of comedy, man. 200 years of comedy, of murders, the Bugsy Siegel days,

like how many people were whacked in that spot, the rock days, how many people probably OD'd at a rock club in the 1960s and 70s before it became the store, how much craziness went on there. Can you believe February 19th, on my birthday, I'll be at the store 20 fucking years. Wow. That's crazy.

20 years that place was in my life. Like, usually you hang out at a bar in your neighborhood, you go for, like, four years, then you graduate, you're done. You know those bars that you go, oh, let's go down to Bugsy's or whatever the fuck. Yeah. I've been going to the store for 20 years. Second time I got on stage, somebody came up to me and said,

has Mitzi Shaw seen you yet? Like, I was always destined for the store. Like, I knew it. I knew i knew it like i just knew it and then the more i got into comedy over the years people would say to me there's mitzi senior yeah you know she likes characters or whatever but it's so weird i've been there for 20 years we were talking the other day about how she used to call you fat baby yeah that was your name on the lineup it would be fat baby oh it's my fat baby and she would stick her finger in my stomach and go to let the air out that's how cool mr show was oh it's my

fat baby sit over here next to me fat baby let me see your stomach let me rub it and then she would put the pin in it 20 fucking years i went home the other night and i had to scratch my head a few times like 20 years i've been doing this comedy for 25 years first time i got on stage did i think i'd be here 25 years later than i think i started i didn't think of anything i just thought that finally i'm going to be able to do something with my life like that's all i wanted to do do something with my life. Like, that's all I wanted to do, just something with my life, you know? I was talking to my buddy, because ever since I shot the special, I've been thinking about 1993 a lot, like how, where I was in 1993.

I was living in New York City. Why 93? Because that's when I made my transition. I did comedy for two years the way I went to jiu-jitsu for two years. It was very erratic. I would go twice one week, one week I wouldn't go. Then I'd go three times one week and then I wouldn't go for two weeks. It was very erratic. I didn't know how to really get my hands on it. But in 1993, I went to the city. I was just, I was broken from the divorce. I had nothing going on. I was broke. And I went home and lived with a friend of mine

and just went around the city and did comedy. And I had no comprehension on what I was doing. And then one night I walked into your old triple in. It used to be like an open mic that started at 11 and went till 2 or something in the city, 3 o'clock. And I went in there one night about, I had just finished driving a limo. And I dropped the guy off in Manhattan,

and I go, let me go get a spot over there. And I went over there, and they said, there's no spots tonight because Leguizamo was on stage. And he was working one of those one-man shows. This place was a fucking dive. Like, every time I'd walk in there, I'd think about my comedy career. Like, I got to figure something out

because I'm not going to keep doing this. This place smelled like cigarette smoke. There were seven people in the audience. You know what I'm saying? When you're first starting to do comedy, you're waiting for the lights and for CBS to be there and shit. CBS ain't going to be here. Why do I keep coming back here? And finally, one night I went there, I saw Leguizamo, and then I go, I get it.

I get it. I get it. I thought it was too special. I didn't have to do that, you know? Sorry, I ate fish. I'm one of those fucking things. What do you got on? I got a piece of bone. Yeah, something. You got a fish bone in your throat? You're gonna make me cough.

Sorry about that. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leg was almost on stage. It was a dive. And it really, I didn't know. I didn't know anything about comedy. I had read the Judy Carter book.

I had read a couple books by that fucking writer, that one that wrote for Lucille Ball. Did you read Belzer's book? Who? Richard Belzer. No, no. He had a book on stand-up comedy. I read the book by Lenny Bruce. Ladies and gentlemen, when he lived at the Chelsea Hotel and he fucking did heroin at night with jazz musicians.

Oh, yeah, that's a great book. That put me over the top. But I thought stand-up was something that you became. I didn't know you had to work on it. That's what I'm trying to say to you. I thought that when people went up on stage to shoot a special, like Joe Rogan's here, tell them we got cameras. Really? All right, tell them to go on stage. I thought when you shot a special, you just went up and stage to shoot a special. Like Joe Rogan's here. Tell him we got cameras. Really?

All right, tell him to go on stage. I thought when you shot a special, you just went up and talked for 30 minutes. I didn't know there was any preparation. I didn't really have anything to go by. I went in there, and I understand the process now. I think three months, not even, like a month later, I was back in Colorado,

and I was determined to get on stage every night. This is what I was going to do. This is what I'm going for. This is how I'm going to do it, you know. These are the clubs I'm going to work. I had no idea what the fuck was. I would just go on stage loosely. I would write whatever I could and just go on stage loosely.

I never knew that you built from that. I didn't know all these things. So I keep thinking about 93. I lived in a fucking room with my buddy who did heroin. I had one white shirt. I would sell cars on 11th Avenue down there, you know, New York City. I had one white shirt and I would wear the same shirt every day. I would have to come home, jump in the shower, and I would wash my shirt in the shower and I would hang it up and then I would iron it every home, jump in the shower, and I would wash my shirt in the shower, and I would hang it up, and then I would iron it every fucking day. You know, I was just a struggling open miker.

You know, I was driving a limo some days. Some days I would sell cars. Some days I would pass out packages for AT&T and get $400 a week. I was just putting it together, man, you know? And it just seemed so interesting. Like, I just... I had no allusion to grandeur, bro. I just wanted to do something with my life. There was no, I wasn't going to be Kevin Hart

or fucking Bill Cosby or nothing. I just wanted to do something, you know? So this is why I keep thinking about how fucking 23 years later I shot a special and it just goes back to what you did. I would have to be at work till 10 some days, but I would take the 6 a.m. bus, because if I took the 6 a.m. bus, my friend with the steroids, his father was a bus driver.

He let me ride to the city for free. So I would take the 6 a.m. bus so I could save those $3. That's how fucking poor I was. And then to get home, I would fucking the 6 a.m. bus so I could save those $3. That's how fucking poor I was. And then to get home, I would fucking go into service. When I would sell cars, I would go into the service at 9 o'clock, and I would steal change from people's cars. That's how I got home. I would bring just enough money for lunch.

Between rent, child support, clothes, reefer, cocaine, and the fucking... I wasn't even doing a lot of coke then. If my buddies had it, I would have to do it because I was just trying to do comedy, you know. And you think about in the beginning what you really went through, you know, how you were, you delivered papers, right? You delivered papers or whatever. And to see you now, it's such a big difference, but I never saw this. I never saw the tail end of this. I just wanted to do something

you know yeah when you see someone that's already doing comedy clubs and headlining places and you're just starting out it doesn't seem that far away it's like oh all i need to do is just get an act together and i could do what he's doing how come i can't do it and you think you can and then it takes years like somebody tried to tell me once that it took 10 years for you to become a real headliner. I'm like, that's crazy. That's crazy. I was headliner in two years.

Get out of here. But it really does. It really does. Because something happens 10 years in, or maybe you're smarter than me. Maybe it would only take you a couple. But for me, it was like 10 years in. I get a better understanding of what the fuck I'm doing. Like, oh, I kind of get it now.

I kind of get it now. I kind of get it now. But you still don't see it the way you would see it if it wasn't you. If you know as much as you know about stand-up and you could watch yourself and not be you, you would be able to fix a lot of things with your act. But a lot of the things with your act, like you kind of shield yourself because you're just trying to get it to work. You're just trying to put it together, you know? And a lot of times you're not even aware of how the joke is coming off to other people because you're doing it yourself.

You're too caught up in the idea of delivering it to understand what it's like to receive it. And it takes a long fucking time to figure it out. And still to this day I fuck it up. To this day, especially i'm uh working on new bits because you got to take these weird chances with new bits you got to like start premises maybe that you don't know where they're going and let let it let it under pressure of stage sometimes come out you know especially when you're working out at the store trying to come up with new stuff under the pressure of being on stage you can sort of like every now and then pop an idea

through every now and then a new tagline comes through that makes you laugh and a new moment comes through and if you don't invest in those moments of doing those those bits on stage you never fucking know and if you don't take those chances if you just keep doing the same shit over and over again you don't take those chances you don't you don't know whether or not you could go down those roads dog i didn't become a headliner until 18 years. That's when I felt comfortable headlining. That's crazy.

I had 40 minutes of six years, 45 minutes. I love when guys look at you and go, well, I got an hour. The big difference in being a fucking headliner, my friend, okay? This weekend, there's a great fight on the card. It's Petis, whatever big pettis against anthony

right so you look at max holloway's nine in a row hits hard hard of a line crazy pettis has something called experience he's been in there with benson henderson he's been in there with some big names he's been in championship fights when the lights matter and like that He's been in championship fights when the lights matter and shit like that. That's called experience That experience is so fucking crucial That experience is so crucial At the store. I am very proud to be a store comic because of all those years of doing those late spots So are you I get myself out of any situation? I get myself out of any situation when you you're a plumber, when you're a

roofer, every day the job is the same. You're going to fucking roof. Why are you paying me $25 instead of $15? It's because I know how to get around the problems. When you come to me and go, boss, the fucking pipe there, I got to flash it and stop. This is a piece of cake.

I'll just build a box around it. You follow me? It's the same thing with comedy. I knew I could do an hour, but I always felt like that Pennzoil commercial. You can either pay me now, or you can pay me later. I love those motherfuckers that come out and go, bitch, I've been,

I was a headliner four years, I'm a regular at the store. You know what? They're gonna get it at the store one night. They're gonna get it. They're gonna one night. They're going to get it. They're going to get it. They're going to have to follow somebody who they're not ready for. And because they've only been doing comedy six years, it's going to hurt them a little more than it would hurt me and you.

Dog, I know there's a 50-50 shot. Every day I write jokes, I prepare them, and I know I'm going to go up there and do the best I can. But sometimes that don't pan out the way you know. And sometimes there's a girl in there before you that's having a great night. Every other night she's bombed. Tonight, she blows

up that place. And you got to go up there and figure a way around it. That's when experience fucks you up. That's when I could, you could blow up that room, and I'll tell you what, I may not be able to follow you, but I would get a few laughs with ten years ago. I wasn't getting anything Because I was caught up in the lights and let's keep it going for Joe one more time Isn't he funny and now you're dead you were worried

But if you go up there and just run with that energy its experience in my world, you know I didn't make any big decisions till I got fucking, I could feel the difference on stage. Now, 25 years, you could do anything. You're John Jack Machado. You ever see John Jack roll?

He talks to you. Yeah. He talks to Joe and rolls with me. Hey, answer the phone. Go, whatever. He doesn't even know

because he's been doing it for 20 years. I just saw a guy, there were, a guy did a, Marcelo Garcia guy did a seminar and he, because for years I just saw a guy, a guy did a, Marcelo Garcia guy did a seminar and he goes,

for years, I just put myself in the half guard. He goes, I can feel anything you're going to do. He goes, even when you're going

to pop that leg over to get away, he goes, I'll just catch you with this leg and put you, now I got your neck. It's amazing.

I go, how did you get that good? He goes, I put myself in the half guard every fucking day for 10 years. I know exactly what reaction you're going to do. called experience show yeah well you got i never had the

hard times i've had at the comedy store when you're dying at a club and it's a feature headliner mc club you have momentum to pick yourself back up so if if I go over there and pick up, die for 10 minutes, I could get onto something and gradually work them back. At the store, you don't have that grace. You have 15 fucking minutes. And once you die at the store for seven minutes, it's like the fucking Roman Coliseum. You're running with that. There ain't no getting back from the store. The store, I've never had a medium set at the store.

I either do great or i fucking die i die most of the time but you know what i'm saying to you i mean the store there's no coming back you don't have 20 minutes to work yourself out of this situation they also know there's a bunch of people coming next coming next who's next who's next who's next what else we got to see you know and sometimes you'll see someone that's just, they're just on a normal night. Maybe their ideas would work, but tonight it's not going to work because there's just been too many different people on before them. And then it's just, I've seen too much, you know, then that's, that's one of those things where those late night spots are so important. I wonder if that exists in music too.

I wonder if in music it helps the performers if they get occasionally a real small crowd. They have to sing for a crowd of 15, 20 people, you know. I wonder if in music it helps the performers if they get occasionally a real small crowd. They have to sing for a crowd of 15, 20 people. You know? I wonder if that, like, lets you get in your own head better. You know? But we're to the point in our lives, especially those first six years at the Comedy Store, 1245, you've got to assume there's going to be 17 people in the audience.

If you're lucky. If you're lucky. And you have to say something that they haven't heard if they sat there all fucking night. They've heard everything. They've heard everything topical, and it would force you to go out of your realm. I love it. You know, when we shot, we were talking about specials, shooting specials.

When I shot the first show, I died because I was too worried about my material. I really bought into Jerry Seinfeld. Then I remembered what the fuck I am, the second show, and you just, now you get it back. Yeah. There's so many different focuses.

25 years, you shoot a special, and you're still fucking up? Come on, Joe. Yeah. Hey, dog, this is why I love this, because I learn something new every fucking day. It's definitely, well, as long as you have new subjects to talk about you're gonna have new ideas so you're gonna have new bits so you're gonna have work to do they're not gonna be done

you know they're not done right away you got to go over them you got to listen to recordings it's a lot there's a lot a lot going on it's it's it's weird in that like if you go to see the rolling stones you want to hear brown sugar you sugar. You want to hear sympathy for the devil. If I go to see you, I want to hear some new shit. It's just the way it is for our business. But it's also so exciting. It's such a fun fucking thing to do. Well, there's two trains of thought to this that are really interesting.

Because I did something this year that i knew i couldn't pull off like there's no way but for me i can only shoot a special every 18 months like my next special there's no once i looked at the product from the special i knew that those jokes could still had six more months of working on you follow me that's the problem we have too there's a joke i close with that I've been doing now for two years just because people say, hey, I came to see you. You didn't do that fucking joke. And I've noticed how good that joke has become.

And every two weeks, I add a tag to that joke, even though it's still fucking old when I do it. This is exactly what Tom Papa said on Monday. Exact same thing. It bothers me to no end. You know, I put a CD out a couple years ago, and I liked the bit I did, but that bit was not finished. I didn't know at the time.

Right. I didn't know at the time. Right. It's ready. Fuck no. I've added 10 minutes to that bit in the last fucking year just because I liked it so much. There's something in there.

Yeah. What the fuck did I do? I just let it go. So there's a train of thought there, and I didn't know this. Listen, when I come to see you every year, I want you to have 30 new minutes of material. Something had to happen in your life. Yeah.

But what you're telling me is you can make that joke better. Run it by me. Let's see what else you added to it. Mm-hmm. Let's see what else you added to it. So, and that's what I'm going to continue to do now. Those jokes that I had from the special,

guess what? I'll put them away now. But I'll bring them back in a year, and I'll add different tags. And even if every time you do a long set just bring one bit back out of six and do it. They're going to strengthen.

And one day you're going to be able to do three hours. I don't fucking know. But I'm just saying it's nice. Those bits are never done. That's a mistake I made on the first two albums. Those bits are never done. But they're done sometimes, right? Sometimes you get to them and you're like, I don't even want to do this anymore. Oh, no. When you're done,

you're done. That's why I didn't call for spots this week no more. I'm done. Really? I went to Portland last week. I'm done. I'm done. You just decided to take some time off. Recharge. You need to recharge. You need to rewrite. You need to do a couple things. You need to get... Sometimes when you do too much comedy in a row, you go to do a couple things you need to get uh sometimes when you do too much comedy in a

row you you go to stuff i want to deprogram myself you know before the special i didn't want to keep saying i'm coming on the feet i didn't want to keep i didn't want to keep doing a jute that so i'd stop deprogram yourself you got to break those bad habits right break that habit the only way to break that habit is to forget about it right at least when it comes to comedy you know i want to forget about it and i won't do it no more right i had a lot of promotional shit this week i had podcast you know i had a ton of shit it's christmas i gotta take it to the zoo at night for the fucking lights you know so i said this is a great week to do it but i've learned a lot man from shooting this that no specials ever done that's why we want to hear if you go see the stones you might be disappointed sometimes because sometimes

the stones will play a song it don't sound like what you were used to listening to it because over the years they added this fucking whole thing on the road to it which you'll never hear because right you didn't go you know, you definitely can hear that sometimes. People do live versions of something. They put a whole new twist to it. Like that band Honey Honey, they do that all the time. They'll do a song and it's like it's a different version of a song that I've heard on their CD.

I think going to see live bands is good for us too. Excellent for us. First of all, let's be honest. I was watching something. What was that're there, I was watching something. What was that? Oh! I was watching a video of Johnny Cash's. Okay. And I had to ask myself this question. I go, Joe Diaz, as a comedian,

you're going to fucking tell me that a little bit of Johnny Cash isn't in me? That's how I wanted it. I wanted Johnny Cash. I wanted a little bit of the Allman Brothers, that dirty... I want you to know this could get dirty quick. Yeah. This could be quick. This could be 0 to 100 quick in this motherfucker.

I wanted a little Leonard Skinner in my comedy. That singer, the way he looks at you and shit. It's just a Saturday night, splish. All my com... You know, my comedy has Julia Serving in it. My comedy has Richard Pryor. You've got Lenny Bruce in it. Any band, I like the fucking thunder of Led Zeppelin. That thunder of Led.

You watch Led Zeppelin from the garden. There's no fucking lights or explosions or midgets running around. It's just four dirty white motherfuckers laying it on you I like the fucking Led Zeppelin effect to my stand-up it all mixes in there But Johnny Cash is definitely in my stand-up for sure definitely that shit definitely Everything you've ever seen that's made you feel good gets in there. Absolutely. Absolutely Everything movies everything How much do you know about Rodney Dangerfield?

Half and half. We were trying to figure out when, what the, there's a bunch of different stories of the no respect. Like when he changed it to no respect, someone was telling me it was from a fucking movie that a movie came out. And then after that movie, he started saying no respect.

I don't care. No respect, no respect at all. That guy was awesome. I'm so glad I got to meet him. I got to meet him. Apparently, he was still doing coke. He was like seven years old.

He was hanging out with this 40-year-old hot broad. Having a great time. Bitch, I got a call to go to a fucking audition one day. And I go, what am I reading for? And they go, you're reading for the new Rodney movie. I go down to the Sunset right by the tequila hut there before we hit the comedy store. There's that little tequila at that light there.

50 feet in. I went in there and I walked in the room. And who's in the room But Rodney Dangerfield Dog This is the motherfucker I waited a year for To see Easy Money

Cause in my world Easy Money is Fucking tremendous Fuck yeah I went to the I went I don't drink You just said it yourself

Joey don't drink I took an 8 pack Of Budweiser nips To see fucking Easy Money Okay What's a Budweiser nip The small ones?

The eight ounce ones. I would crack the things and flick it. I was having a good time at Rodney, okay? I walk into this room and here's Rodney Dangerfield. I'm going to read for Rodney Dangerfield. I get the things. How are you? Good to see you.

You know, whatever. I didn't overly, oh, it's you, the reason why I'm here. I didn't say none of that shit. I just read, bro. And he goes, listen, I really like your read. The road, the role you read for is already cast. But do me a favor. Just show up.

You didn't know that, Joe? So he goes, just show up. He called the house. My wife answered. She was dating me. She goes, you know Rodney called here before. I go, what did he say? She goes, to go to Hollywood Studios tomorrow at 8 in the morning.

I go, did I get the role? He didn't say. I called my agent. My agent goes, no, he's going to find something for you. Just show up. That's how much he dug me. Seven days I worked on this movie, Doug. Wow.

It's the worst movie of all time. Only Comedy Central airs it once a year like at 4 in the morning. It's called Back by Mid all time Only Comedy Central Has it once a year Like at four in the morning It's called Back by Midnight And I play Jojo Back by Midnight And we're all in prison

We're all in prison And we figure out That we break out at night And go steal The hardware store Supplies And we fucking got lounges We got jacuzzis at the prison now. Every day I would have to go in, and then when I'd sign out,

they'd go, no, you got to go see Rodney. So I'd have to walk into Rodney's trailer, knock on the door, he'd answer it with fucking a robe on, naked. Come on in. And then he'd sign, and he'd go, all right, see you tomorrow at 8. And that was my job for seven fucking days, bro. He was old. He couldn't remember his lines. They had to read him the lines off camera and then he would say the lines over again. But for me, it meant the world,

man. That's Rodney fucking Dangerfield, man. That's huge. Yeah, he's, I mean, when you think about all time influential figures, with his Rodney Dangerfield specials, he introduced the world to some of the greatest of all time. Greatest. Greatest. And not a lot of people would ever do something like that. Yeah. A lot of comedians would never do.

Have you ever heard some of the backstories to that? To the HBO specials? Yeah. No. No, to the Rodney things. Like how he got into it with he got into it with, what's his name? Dice wears leather jackets. Barry Sobel. Right. You know, he stuck up

for comics. Right. I hate working at clubs where it's a comedy, a comic owned club, and they treat you like, Dick, you ain't some fucking dude from Missouri. You're a comic. How can you treat me like this? Like, he really fought for comics, you know? And there was one story

where Barry Sobel wanted to wear a leather jacket. And he kept arguing with him, and he goes, dog, you know Dice wears the leather. Knock it the fuck off. Go get a sweater. You know, like... That would suck, though, if you're Barry Sobel and you wore a leather jacket all the time. I think he ended up wearing the leather in the special.

I don't know if you remember. He did. Didn't he have, like, a members-only jacket made out of leather? Something, something. Just amazing when you're around those people. You know, when I was around Rodney that week, it was just fucking great. He told Paul Rodriguez, kept on doing impersonation of him. He goes, go ahead, do another impersonation.

I'm going to fire you and replace you with George Lopez. He was going to say shit the rest of the week. Dick. Rodney wasn't fucking around. He was still smoking dope. He was still smoking dope all day. Walk around the set with a joint in his hand. You got to love it.

Wow. Did you ever see when he was going on stage with a bathrobe on? No. He did a lot of see when he was going on stage with a bathrobe on? No. He did a lot of shows where he was naked with a bathrobe on. When he'd go on stage with fucking slippers, he would slide up to the stage, just fucking walk up to the microphone and do his entire hour with a fucking bathrobe on with nothing underneath. I was working as a security guard at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts.

Great Woods is like the concert place. There's an outside amphitheater and, you know, there's a covering of some part of the area is covered and the back area is exposed. It's the lawn. And Rodney played there. You know, it's a big fucking place. Like Bon Jovi played there. I saw Bill Cosby there. I saw Kennison there.

And Rodney, I didn't see a fucking man bill cosby's there i wasn't paying attention to him he was there and i didn't watch like i saw him there like he was there i barely paid attention i just i wasn't into what he was like i thought of him as like a clean comedian you was 19 you know I was too crazy but um Rodney was in the back and one of the guys who works for us goes dude he goes Rodney's back there his dick and his balls are hanging out in this fucking bathroom he doesn't give a shit he doesn't give a fuck I always got no pants on he's got nothing on and I saw him walking around with the bathrobe I remember seeing I like remember like looking down this hall towards the back area where the backstage is,

and I'm seeing Roddy Dangerfield's green room, and he's walking around with his bathrobe on. I'm like, that is fucking amazing. He would go on stage. I remember him going on stage. I remember him killing, too. They loved him. Yeah. We loved him.

You know, he was an old man. I didn't give a fuck. Not to interrupt you. The other day I saw a thing on, somebody posted this. It was Frank Sinatra on The Tonight Show, and Don Rickles came on. Oh, yeah? Did he torture him? Don Rickles is amazing. Please see if you find what he used it from.

First off, Sinatra's so badass, bro. I don't give a fuck. Tremendous. Listen, man. The dude, I watched those two things on HBO about him, and I fell in love with him. I don't care about all his behavior problems. I watched it.

It meant that's a bad motherfucker, dog. What behavior problems did he have? I don't know. He just fucking didn't put up with this Gentile shit look at it watch this watch this Joe Rogan crank this up

yeah crank this up look at him with his boots on and shit he got boots look at him can they hear the audio no

no the people can't oh give them a little audio why can't they this. Give them a little audio. Why can't they? This will definitely get pulled from YouTube? All right, folks. Unfortunately, you're going to have to.

If you're watching this on YouTube, you'll have to listen to the audio version of it. It's called, what's the name of it? What's this, Joe Rogan? How old do you think Johnny was here? What's this, Joe Rogan. How old do you think Johnny was here? Watch this, Joe. Both of them got to be 60. Watch this motherfucker, though. Watch this. Look at that face.

This is the best Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, what? He's an animal. He walks in. When he takes his hand away. He drops down on his knees like he's kissing the king's hand. How old is Sinatra then? 60.

I don't know. Maybe 60. He's got the wig. It's a light wig. He never went too crazy with the wig. He never went full Burt Reynolds. There's no one hearing this, unfortunately. They can't hear this on YouTube right now.

What's that? Yeah, but the people on YouTube that are watching and will watch in the future can't hear it, right? Let's just not do that. It makes for a goofy thing. But when they're at home, tell them to watch it. These guys. He's touring still, you know. Yeah, he's 90s.

Don Rickles is down at the Canyon Club. When? Soon. Let's go. He's down at the Canyon Club with, what's his face? Regis. Let's go. Yeah, find out when that is.

Regis, the guy from TV? Canyon Club, yes. Regis and Don Rickles are touring together. They have a little act. Fuck yeah, I'm going to that shit. Fuck yeah. Find out when that is. God, I hope it doesn't pass already. God damn it.

Did it pass already? They have a billboard on the 101. If you're coming back from Thousand Oaks, you can see it on the 101 that shows all the different people that are there. Ted Nugent's there once a year. Every year around July. Dancing around stage. Yeah, all the time. He's good friends with him. Every year around July. Dance around stage. Pat Bette's there.

Yeah, all the time. Pat Bette, she's good friends with him. It's not the best place to do stand-up because they make people stand in the back. You know, the people get seated in the front and they stand in the back. A lot of people show up, though. A lot of people were there for you last time. A lot. It already happened.

But that was the problem. It already happened. November 18th. Oh, shit. But there was a lot of people there, but I had a deal with them. I said, I only want to sell tickets to the people that get to sit down. I go, as soon as you run out of seated tickets, I go, stop selling tickets. And the guy kept filling the place.

I go, what are you doing? He goes, well, people are still buying tickets. I go, well, stop selling them. You have a deal. The contract is you're not supposed to have people standing up. I was going to get less money so that people could have a seat. Like, because it would be better. It's better.

It's a lot better. And he's like, yeah, but we're still selling tickets. Like, all right, we're done. Jesus fucking Christ. Like, you know what the contract is, dude. Like, they just decided to smoosh everybody in there. It's just not as fun to stand around and watch comedy. I realized that when I went to see Doug once.

Doug was doing a lot of those bar shows, standing room shows. And I went there, and as much as I loved Doug, and it was like concrete someplace in Hollywood, we were standing there and my fucking, your legs start hurting. Like, this is not fun. I don't want to just stand here.

I want to sit down. Like, you don't enjoy it as much if you're not sitting down. And you start talking. Yes. And the conscious just goes away from the stand. And by the 40-minute mark, it's like a light talk in the room. Always.

And you can't blame them. You could be throwing heat. Yeah, it doesn't matter. But it happened to me a couple weeks ago at this thing. I got there, and they had 200 people standing up. What am I going to do? Argue with the fucking guy now? There's nothing you can do.

I didn't even think about it. And I could feel it on stage. And you can work through a little bit, but you feel it. They're standing, man. Remember when we used to do the House of Blues in Vegas? Yep. That whole back area was filled with people standing and talking. And the two bars, a bar to the left and a bar to the right.

Chaos. Chaos. Just not a good place to do stand-up. It's not the environment, but whatever. Business is business. They'll fucking sell them tickets. They'll put them in the bathroom if they want to listen. Yeah.

I wouldn't do that either. I don't like it. And a lot of those music shows, too, you got to stand. I remember years later, I'm like, no wonder I got people throwing punches and shit at Aerosmith one time because of the fucking standing, man. Yeah, you get tired of it after a while. I mean, at least you can dance around. You'll be okay.

Now, at music shows, you sit down and then you stand up too or you're on your feet the whole time. I don't even remember. I don't know. I've never been to those things. Those music shows are just an excuse for people to get fucking hammered, go see a bunch of bands, wander around the desert or wherever the fuck they are. I'm not talking about all those.

Coachella? Yeah, no, no, no. Just dust bowls and picking fucking dust out of your teeth and eyes and and you gotta camp for three days i think ari camped didn't ari do that he went to coachella and camp now which one is coachella this is the ones in california okay yeah and then the south by southwest which is in austin there's a bunch of these little music festivals now. I guess it's fun if you go to them. I mean, it's got to be fun. No, it's got to be fun.

You get to see a bunch of different people. You're outside a few days. You also have to be into it. But when people want to invite you to those stand-up ones, do you ever go to stand-up festivals? Do you do those? I just did one. What'd you do?

The Houston one? Mm-hmm. How was that? Great. Was it? It's a fairly new? I just did one. What'd you do? The Houston one? Mm-hmm. How was that? Great. Was it? It's a fairly new one, right? Yeah. How long have they been doing this one?

I think two or three years. Man, Houston used to be a hub. It used to be a hub. Someone could figure out how to open up that old laugh stop in River Oaks. And it's still there. It's still there. Empty. It's insane.

Empty. It's insane. Still there, somebody said. God damn it. I don't know if they filled it in yet. Someone's insane. Empty. Still there, somebody said. God damn it. I don't know if they filled it in yet. Someone should tell that helium guy. That motherfucker would go down there and swoop it up. That was one of the best rooms ever.

Ever. And nothing's there now? I don't think so. I think that one club had it for a while. One club was renting it out and then... Yeah. I don't know what the fuck happened. Yeah. Didn't John Wesley what the fuck happened. Yeah.

Didn't John Wesley have something to do with it for a while? One of those guys. One of those guys? But those guys aren't even around no more. It's a whole new regime. Wow. Those young guys are there running that festival. It was a great festival.

It had some great names. They had Tony Hinchcliffe. I mean, we had a great time. Did they have a scene? It was like they're a Houston scene now? Yeah, but they're all younger. It's a lot younger. Like, you see the new...

I'll tell you where I went. That's the Houston of 99. Want me to tell you where it is now? Portland, Oregon. Really? Portland, Oregon is the new big... I mean, comedy is at a whole, it's huge right now. Comedy is huge right now.

All these cities have one marquee room, two little underground rooms. Those two underground rooms are selling out too. Laugh Factory Chicago sells out Brian Morton every Saturday with feature acts. Comedy is at an all-time high. But Portland is at an all-time fucking high. This is the fourth year in a row I've been there, one or two with you before that. It just keeps getting better and better.

And you hear who's collecting. I was there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Amy was there. She sold out somewhere on fucking 12,000 seats. I don't know what she did on Thursday night That just proves to you. It's out It's out in about when you were in Columbus a few months ago animal burris and the Leah were in town I mean this is every week and all three shows were selling, you know, two thousand seats

Comedy is an all-time high but Portland is the Houston of mm. You could see it You could see when people talk to you afterward who they come and they talk to you about comedy Like I'm coming here to see sagura. I'm coming here to see this guy. I'm coming here to see that guy They're coming for fucking comedy man Yeah, they're smart place Portland's a smart place and they appreciate art Same with Seattle Seattle's a a smart place and they appreciate art. Same with Seattle. Seattle's a very smart place.

Seattle's a notch above L.A. in a lot of ways. Like when it comes to like it's a smaller community. The people are a little slicker. They're just not showbiz affected. They're more themselves. I shouldn't say slicker. I should say just smoother. You know what I mean?

They're like more themselves. Like they're not as affected overall. It would be a great place if they developed a big scene. I know they got the comedy underground there, and that other place is fantastic. The Paula. That's amazing. And they've got some rooms. They have a pool hall connected to it. Really?

Yes. And they've got some other rooms, satellites around. But, I mean, that's everywhere now, from Indianapolis to everywhere. Got some satellite rooms going on. Comedy's big, man. Yeah. Comedy's getting big. I mean, Helium does a secret show.

What's a secret show? They don't know who the headliner is. Really? And they sell out. No shit. No, no. No shit. Philadelphia and Portland, Oregon.

Wednesday night. If you ever want to do it Just call the guy And go I want a secret show I want to work out in front of a real Wow They don't know So you're going to get Joe Rogan peeping

You're going to get people Wow Sell out We don't even know Who the headliner is And they know We just know They trust that club

Yeah We just know it's going to be One of the guys who's here During the week Ari did it In Philly Sold out Didn't know it was him

That's interesting Very That's a great concept That's a great idea You don Didn't know it was here. That's a great concept. You don't know who the headliner is. It's going to be one of these 20 cats. You don't know who it's going to be. Strap a pair on. Just pay for the show. It's the opposite of Red Band's secret show.

He has a secret show and put 30 people on the poster. What's the secret, bitch? I'm looking at all the fucking people. Plus surprise guests. Oh, okay. What's the secret, bitch? I'm looking at all the fucking people. Plus surprise guest. Oh, okay. That's your secret. Yeah.

The secret with him is you don't know. You don't know who the MC is. That's a real secret. The feature or the headliner. Nobody knows. He just comes up on stage Wednesday night. Wow. Good idea.

That's when you have a real reputation. That's when you're telling me that you're just a fan of comedy. You know what? I just want to fucking laugh. That's what you're telling me. You know what? I don't really like him. I like him.

I don't really like him. It's also like a real good example of the reputation of the club. Like they trust the club so much. The club has so many headliners connected to it, like real top-level headliners, that they know that you're in touch with these people all the time and you'll put the right kind of person in there. they do it every week uh once a month once a month that's a great idea yeah portland seattle all those pacific northwest people it's like it's a it's a different vibe up there you know that whole uh pacific northwest vibe is a different vibe

i only seen the sun for two hours and three days. The summertime, though, they're out, though. They're out. They're out. No, see, in the summer, it's tough to sell a ticket up there because those motherfuckers got to go camping. They're out. They're out doing music.

They've been living like fucking Jack Nicholson in The Shining for fucking six months. It rains every goddamn day. I remember Joe saying to me what did you think about seattle seattle was great seattle was great like colorado was great until you see rain for three weeks in a row colorado doesn't have that problem though it's one time it did really in 83 that fucking paul harvey was in the middle of november yelling we don't know what's going to happen in colorado this year uh paul harvey the weather guy yeah no radio guy

we don't know what's going to happen in Colorado this year. Paul Harvey, the weather guy? Yeah, no, the radio guy. Paul Harvey, the news. He was just talking about the Alps in Colorado and all these mountains in Colorado are empty. Will there be a snow season, bitch? It started snowing on the 20th, and it went straight to December 20, like, 3rd.

Whoa. You know what 20 days in a row of snow is, bro? No, you have no idea. Think of leaving for work on a bus. It's snowing. Getting out at 6, it's snowing. Going home, it's snowing. Going to bed, you wake up, it's still snowing.

Two days, it's cool. 20 days. 20 days of snowing. Shoveling everything. I was shoveling snow, too, for a while. So I'd have to get up and I was getting 10, 12 bucks an hour to shovel. I didn't give a fuck. How deep did it get? 8 inches, 12 inches a while. So I'd have to get up and I was getting 10, 12 bucks an hour to shovel. I didn't give a fuck. How deep did it get?

8 inches, 12 inches a day. You know how fast the snow comes down in Colorado, Doug? So 8 feet? They probably, yeah. It's like you either pay me now or pay me later. I don't know what the base is for the fucking bottom of the hill, but they got the snow they needed that year. Because they man-make the snow

on the bottom. That helps out. They man-make the snow on the bottom Right That helps out They man make the snow on the bottom I think Whatever that fake snow Well it's real snow They just make it with a machine Then on top fills in those gaps But the bottom gives it more of a base

That's what it's called a base So they'll tell you we got a 63 inch base We'll have a 200-inch base. That means you could jump off a fucking helicopter. And nothing's going to happen to you in that base. 200 inches, you're just going to land in powder. Can you imagine doing that? Going to Wyoming, getting in a helicopter,

and just jumping off the helicopter with skis and just landing on that fucking thing. Without your knee blowing the fuck up. Yeah, I saw a guy who did that on a video he jumped like 250 feet and what happened fucking landed in the powder and nothing happened no nothing it's fine fresh virgin fucking powder you gotta take a big chance though you gotta know exactly what's under that spot can your man landing that's a fucking ice shit what do you call them oh my god likealagmite Big icicle

Goes up your asshole Or hit a rock On the way down Pink Yeah no I like I like bad weather But not three weeks In a fucking

And in Seattle I saw I lived there in 95 96 I think it's parts Of November dog It just rains For three weeks

Are you worried About global warming In LA? Oh, yeah I can't sleep at night Global warming it's fucking 44 degrees this morning. I can't I'm medical. Yeah, it's cold in LA this morning 44, but then it goes up You know it they can they talk a lot about global warming Let me get that half a joint over dog, over there. Because this shit fucking turned out on me. Give me one of those fucking monsters. Give me a fresh one.

Dog, your buddy's got... Yeah, he's a fucking strong. He's an animal. He's a fucking animal. He's not playing games. So what were you talking about yesterday? So it's legal now. I could call him up right now.

It's legal. Yeah, I don't know where he's allowed to deliver it to. I think he has to deliver it to somewhere that's nowhere near a church or a school or something like that. He's got the stars of death, too. The stars of death and the high times picking the number three fucking edible. Dude, I never even need a full point of the Star of Death. I don't even eat a full point. I leave a little bit.

I take a little bit. I take a bite, but I make sure I leave a little bit of the point. Listen to me. There's these new things called cushies. 200 milligrams. You open it up, it smells like transmission fluid. Okay? It's like when you fucking finger somebody, but you smell deep in the monkey.

It smells like gunpowder in the pussy. Same thing with this fucking edible. It smells like transmission fluid in this fucking motherfucker. Dog, you get so fucked up. I love that shit. I just pass out now. When I was in Colorado, I got some gumdrops, some pot gumdrops. God, they were so good. Holy

shit. I don't know how many milligrams they had, but each one felt like somewhere around 20. You eat a couple of those and they give you a bag that's supposed to be 100 milligrams for how many is in there. 5 in there or 10 in there. Whatever it is.

It's got a kick. It's hard to tell if they're right because i had one and i was like yeah this feels like about 10 milligrams then another one that was like whoa what the fuck like i don't buy that they're that consistent i don't think they're doing such a good job of stirring you know the stars last week i was fucking drooling i called the guy and go anarchy what the fuck, bro? What was in these stars this week? And he goes, well, sometimes you got a bat that's stronger than the other.

It's like Quaaludes. When I was a kid with Quaaludes, because people make them in their basement. So something like we talked about, sometimes the table is like this. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? All the shit goes to the bottom and you're fucked. Yeah, and if you get a bag of gummies, you're not necessarily getting them from the same plant. You know, I mean, one gummy might be from one batch,

and another gummy might be from another batch. Like, they might not, I mean, they're all getting piled up together and scooped and put into a bag. You easily could have one live one in there. Dog, I ate an old edible about a month ago I found in the back of my drawer. That thing fucked me up for 12 hours.

It's like an expired Vicodin. You ever take an expired Vicodin? You won't have pain for a week in your mouth. I don't care how many root canals they give you. Bro, I found an expired Vicodin in my pants and I washed my wife and washed her. Did I tell you about that? No. I had a Vicodin from the surgery. You washed it?

I popped that motherfucker down. Even after it was washed with detergent stronger than ever fucking bleach on it I just found it I wasn't even on the Vicodins I took one out with me in case I had tooth pain or nose pain and I never wore those pants again

I go to Portland I go in the pants and there they are she washed it right before I went on stage, I popped off that motherfucker. Who gives a fuck? I don't need to know what it is anymore. I've been through everything. One fucking pill ain't going to do nothing to you.

How strong was it? Oh, my God. I took a half on stage and I blacked out. It's like the first 30 minutes. I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel room to eat the other half. I had radio the next day. Oh, other half. I had radio the next day. Oh, my God, I blacked the fuck out. I didn't know what came out of my mouth.

When you were on radio, did you start swearing? No, no, no, no, no. I'm headed to Portland Thursday night. I'm in Portland. I'm getting dressed. When I was pulling pants out, I go, boy, these pants are darker than my usual jeans. I never wore them. I didn't want to wear them. Last time darker than my usual jeans. I never wore them. I didn't wear them.

Last time I wore them was probably when I had the surgery, and that's why I found the pill in there. They were clean. I went in, and the detergent had worn the numbers down. So it could have been anything. So I just, I said, let me not be an asshole and eat the whole thing. People give me crazy shit all the time. Let me break this.

Maybe somebody gave it to me And I washed over it I knew it was like a Vicodin Or a cousin to the Vicodin You know what I'm saying? It had to be a cousin Or a brother-in-law Something to the Vicodin I popped it

I took a half And went to Portland I walked up those stairs And when I sat down on top of it I was like, I'm fucked up I smoked Oh, dog, did I tell you I set the fire alarm off in Portland

At the club on Friday night The fire department Smoked it in the dressing room And the fucking fire department Had to come Because the whole club Blacks out All the lights go out

And the power Had to go on stage And fucking Felicia went up there With me Felicia's like Do you want me to go up there And check she out

I go yeah That's how much Of a comedy store chick she is Like somebody else Would have said Well let's wait Until they put the mic on. She's a comedy store. Right.

She looked at me and said, do you want me to still go up there? I go, fuck yeah. And when she got up there, the mic turned on. Oh, that's perfect. Perfect. But that just goes to show you the confidence of the comedy store. Did you tell them that you did that? Did you set it off?

No. The emcee was on stage, and all of a sudden you hear, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, and the lights are blinking. But when you went up there, you didn't say that was me smoking pot? Oh, yeah. Once I got up there, I go, I only took two hits. I told them the truth. I just took two fucking hits. Wow.

That's a pretty fucking sensitive fire alarm. Yeah. It was right over me. It was right there. I looked at it afterwards. So the next night, they put a little helmet on it. Did they? They covered it?

Oh, fuck yeah. They put a little helmet on that motherfucker. That's hilarious. So it's just drastic. It's just a drastic system, right? Shut the power off and everything? How about I keep the lights on? What do you think?

I'm going to start a goddamn stampede. The fire department came, looked at the manager, and he goes, somebody's smoking in the green room He goes yeah He goes alright we'll set it up And that was it They didn't give me a ticket or nothing Thank god

That's nice Yeah a lot of people Probably think they can You know Like especially If you're at a Like any sort of a rock venue Like those rock theaters

And stuff like that How many people have smoked They've probably been smoking In those things forever Forever Forever It's probably standard theaters and stuff like that. How many people have smoked? They've probably been smoking in those things forever. Forever. Forever. Don't give a fuck.

It's probably standard. Portland is an interesting place, isn't it? People who live there say it's getting kind of weird, because then you get a bunch of people that want to live in Portland moving there instead of Portland people. People are like, yeah, I think Portland's kind of my kind of city. Cameron lives in Eugene, right? Yeah. Somewhere in Oregon, right? Yeah.

Because one of his neighbors came to the show. Oh, right? Yeah. Somewhere in Oregon, right? Yeah. Because one of his neighbors came to the show. Oh, really? Yeah. They came to the show. He lives in Eugene, which is like a smaller college town. Have you been there?

Yeah. To visit him? You like it? Eugene's great. I like it. I like it. They have a good Chinese restaurant there,

Kowloon's. Oh, really? Kowloon's is in Eugene and Roseburg. And Roseburg is the one where, that's the fucked up one. That's the one where they have a strip club, but the waitress is everything.

She's the stripper, the DJ, the doorman. You got to see this fucking beauty. But Oregon is fucking fun, man. That's a great drive, too. I wonder what Kowloon means. I don't know what it means in Chinese. There's a bunch of different restaurants. There was the Kowloon in Saugus, Massachusetts.

Remember that? The Chinese restaurant? There was a club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kowloon. It was Nick's Comedy Stop at the Kowloon. I wonder what that means. I think it was a city.

A city? Yeah. Oh, okay. Like New York? It's like saying Hollywood? Is it like saying the Hollywood restaurant? The Hollywood grill? The Hollywood diner? That's a funny thing, right?

That word Hollywood. People like to use that word. It's the northern part of Hong Kong. Oh, no shit. There you go. So maybe it's like a style of cooking or something. But yeah, that was the Kowloon in Saugus. Great place.

Great comedy club. How far is Saugus from the city? I don't remember. Were there a couple Kowloons? Couldn't have been too long. Were there a couple Kowloons? And it was run by Lenny's brother? There was, no, that was Giggles.

Giggles. Lenny's brother, Mike Clark, ran a place called Giggles. And that guy, Mike Clark, gave me more headlining gigs when I was struggling than probably anybody. He always had great rooms. Always had a restaurant here or a dive there or a bar there and always got you good money. It was cool.

It was fun, too, because you'd travel around all these weird spots and do comedy, and sometimes people would hire comedians and it wouldn't work out. They would try it for one show, and you'd be on that one show. And then they never had comedy again. And there was a bunch of dirty comedians from Boston come up, and you're in some weird fish restaurant in New Hampshire, and they just don't like it.

How many of those did we do? Thousands. Thousands. Had to. I used to do comedy in a place where there was a live parrot behind you on stage. Two, three feet. He would just go,

he would eat the seeds and fucking flick them up in the air. There's so many things that you've done that you, we're talking about comedy, you have this grand illusion of comedy when you get into it. And you get to this place, it's not a stage, there's no green room yeah you know guy talks to you like you're shit you're like why do i do this you know i'm up to 12 and

i gotta go to work at six it also getting is so fucking tough but it's not yeah it's not really you know it also doesn't seem that hard when you look at it from the outside the first first time you look at it, you're like, that's not that hard. It's just people talking. Like, I'll figure that out. Yeah. Until you bomb 800 fucking times. But that's part of it. Like, now sometimes I get happy when I bomb because I get it out of the way.

Yeah. At least it's not a fucking surprise anymore. happy when I bump because I get it out of the way. Yeah. At least it's not a fucking surprise anymore. Yeah, that's the best motivator to like tighten up your game. The best

motivator is a shitty set. It's nothing like one offset. It just feels ugh. You just want to get back and tighten things down. It's interesting to people that go to the store on a regular basis, too, because they get to see all the development. They'll see a bit one time, and then they'll come back and see it maybe six months later,

and they'll see it again, but now it's got all these extra things going on. It's alive. It's connected to others. You get into it better. You're smoother in your delivery. So much fucking fun. The CISO thing you shot in Chicago, in Rosemont, Illinois, right? You shot it pretty recently. October 15th. That's real recent.

And it comes out tomorrow. How fired up are you? I'm happy it's over. It was a lot of fucking work, man. Was it? Yeah. It was fun, though. It was really fun. It was a lot of fucking work, man. Was it? Yeah. It was fun, though. It was really fun, you know. It was the first time I ever taped myself. I can't stand looking at myself, and I can't stand listening to myself.

And I don't know which one is worse, you know. I never said none to nobody, but I saw Johnny Depp on Letterman. And Letterman was like, so how are the dailies looking? He's like, bitch, I don't look at them. And Letterman's like, what the fuck are you talking about? He goes, I don't look at shit. I don't go to the premiere of my movies. I don't look at myself.

And he goes, why not? I hate looking. And I felt a lot better. But this was the first time. So he said he hated looking at himself? Yeah. I don't like it. You know what I'm going to tell you something?

When I first, I got here January 29th, and like two weeks later, it was Super Bowl. And I got talked into going to one of these goofy actor parties I didn't know I was at the store I was at the store and some goofy guy came up to me and goes you want to go to the Super Bowl party and I went there and I'll never forget this as long as I fucking live man in the middle of the fucking Super Bowl

like you know when it ends the first quarter then you have the show in the middle and Michael Jackson would sing or whoever. Right. In front of 60 people, a person put a demo reel in. I will never forget that my whole life.

Like, it was not supposed to be in there. Like, some guy came in and go, is it halftime yet? Hold on, I'm gonna put my demo reel in. Holy shit. You follow what I'm saying? going to put my demo reel in. Holy shit. Do you follow what I'm saying? And they pop that demo reel in. For 15 minutes, you watch student films and fucking college films.

And I think he had like one spot that was TV. And I'll never forget how embarrassing. Like, I felt embarrassed for the guy. Like, let's watch my demo reel. Are you fucking kidding me? To a room full of other actors? 60. Oh, my God.

Comedians, stand-up comics, you know, so-called... I don't know. I've just been here for two weeks. So I don't like looking at none of this shit. This was the first time I actually went home and fucking taped sets. Like, I didn't know how to do nothing on this fucking phone. And I went home and taped fucking sets and had to listen to him and write notes, and I realized the process

There was shit. I was letting go at night like you come up to me and go that's a good bit But you didn't tell me about the two things before that I said That we've done after I said, it's really hard to remember what right? It was funny I don't know why that is but But you remember one or two lines. But you didn't remember those two fluctuations you said in your voice. Those are the things I never worked on before. That line that you threw away, that was the setup to that joke. And you don't even know you set it up with that.

That's what this taught me. This special taught me that type of shit. I had to listen to every fucking set, man. And you know what? It's funny how you prepare jokes and you think what's going to work. And then when you listen, the shit that you thought was going to work doesn't really work as well. It's the little things that you didn't think was going to work that really worked. It's so weird when you listen to your material at night.

It was a whole complete different education for me. It was rough for me to do. It was really tough for me to do because I didn't listen to your material at night. It was a whole complete different education for me. It was rough for me to do. It was really tough for me to do because I didn't like listening to myself at night. I would do it on planes. When you can't go anywhere. Yeah, when I'm trapped, I get really fucking high. I pull one of these pads out and just go on a train, on a plane. I'm sorry.

In fact, you know what happened to me? I pulled out my third CD on a plane. I had to shut it off. It was the worst thing I ever heard in fact you know what happened to me I pulled out my third CD on a plane I had to shut it off it was the worst thing I ever heard in my fucking life my third CD is probably the worst thing I've ever heard in all my life I can't believe I even released it but that's when I learned that there's a lot of

jokes sometimes that even if you think even cause there's seven minutes you're like enough with this shit there's still three more four more minutes in that thing we're not beating and you taught me that. You were the one that said you like to keep finding tags for stuff. You know, sometimes you just get tired. You just go, fuck it.

I got four of them on there. I'm going to move on. So that's what I found out. That's what shocked me about this. It was the first time I had really done this type of exclusive work, bro. CISO's putting out some good shit. You, Doug, who else are they doing? Brian Callen.

Brian Callen. In fact, I'm doing radio. I'm calling radio tomorrow and Brian's on. He's in Florida. Is this Brian's last one? Did they buy his last one? Are they doing a new one with him? I'm not sure. I know either it got released last week. I'm not sure, my brother. Or a reissue or something.

So CISO is owned by NBC. Is that what it is? Yes. That's interesting they're doing that. Look, it's great when someone's doing it. I mean, the more people doing something like that, the better. Like I said, man, right now comedy used to be 8 to 12, 8 to 2. Now it's 9 to 5 because people are on their desks with earbuds on. Yeah.

They could stream your fucking special at work. There's so much going on with streaming and the whole fucking deal. Well, most of the people that listen to this are working right now. They're working right now. Probably. I would imagine if you're doing something that you don't have to be listening to somebody, you could listen to this while you're doing your work. 9 to 5 now has so many. god damn i gotta stop coughing the fuck's going on nine to five has so many amazing you know from not tv used to be from

eight to eleven yeah pretty much working people only watch television from 8 to 11. That's changed now. I go to work now at 9 and put earbuds on, and I can't get into Game of Thrones or Westward, but I can listen to a podcast. How many people do you think get to listen to stuff while they work? A lot. A lot. What percentage? IT, I don't know about that.

Like IT, a lot of tech people. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of tech people. When I talk to my niece sometimes in Jersey, she tells me, I was listening to you in the office, and she's in marketing, you know. Yeah. They put these in and make notes and type up proposals and listen to podcasts. It's a whole game out there.

It's not 8 to 11 no more. Right. That thing is dead now. Yeah, 8 to 11 is Netflix, HBO. There's a whole new realm now. Yeah, 8 to 11 is Netflix. HBO. There's a whole new realm now. You know, now I can go to work and listen from 9 to 12 and from 1 to 5 and I can watch from 12 to 1 at my

desk. I can watch Game of Thrones on Netflix. I can watch it's a different fucking world out there. Do you use Netflix and do you use Apple TV? Do you ever use that? No, that's what we're getting because the speakers on my... It's fantastic. I don't know what my wife is saying.

I don't understand none of that stuff. She does all the IT stuff at the house. It's just crazy that you can see 99 or whatever the hell it is percentage of the movies just by... They're right there. I don't know what percentage. I shouldn't say 99. Let's take a guess. It's probably not even 10%.

What percent of all movies are on iTunes? Because independent movies probably aren't. Maybe some independent movies? So are all movies on iTunes? A lot of them? I don't think all of them. Because the other day I noticed that they just recently added An American Werewolf in London.

And I was like, oh, wow, how weird. Or was it The Wolfman? One of those. Now, are we talking about Netflix? This is Apple TV. Apple TV. And they recently added some other movies that were like pretty old movies. Like they just added them.

So I think they're still buying movies and putting them on. I mean, I don't know how they're doing it. Licensing them, whatever they're doing. Making some sort of a deal. But they got a lot of fucking movies is my point. the crazy thing is you just press it and it starts playing like when we were kids just the idea of going to the store you got to make remember how blockbuster would have those giant shelves filled with one kind of movie like one movie would come out and that movie would just fill a shelf and like say if it was like Transformers or Alien or something like that,

there would be three, four levels of them. And you would get there, and there'd only be a couple left. And you'd get lucky. Oh, God, we got the last copy of Alien. The last above the law. Yeah. Bring it back. That's the first time I went in there was the night I was running from the cops

after I kidnapped Vela. I went to Blockbuster and I rented Above the Law. All these people kept telling me, you gotta watch this guy Steven Seagal. I'm like, I don't want to do it. I watched Above the Law and Lethal Weapon. I had never seen Lethal Weapon before. That's a good movie.

For the time. If I watched it today, I'd probably get angry. I watched the triangle scene at the end and I'm mad catch it Mel Gibson uses a triangle doesn't even close it on the Chinese guy with the two sponges no wasn't it um yeah lethal weapon was it the Chinese guy he's hanging and the guys hitting them with the sponges oh yeah, yeah, that's right. And all of a sudden he triangles him. No.

And then he triangles the guy out in the grass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gary. Gary Fucknut. The guy who got in a motorcycle accident. Busey. Gary Busey. Busey. Busey.

Yeah, it was Gary Busey, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a shitty triangle choke, dude. He doesn't cinch it up. And this is like when the cops are there, they kind of let them go after it, right? Because this was like, these guys are so crazy, the cops let them fight. Let them go, yeah.

Even with sticks. Mel Gibson was shredded, son. That's a motherfucking caboodle ton for this shit. Look at him. Yeah, Mel Gibson, if people forget, was a fucking action star. He was a bad motherfucker.

Boom, he gets slammed on a cop car. This is so ridiculous that this could ever happen where cops would let some bad guy duke it out with the cop because they knew

that the cop was such a badass that he's eventually going to kick this dude's ass. Dog, dog, 30 years ago this shit was happening. You think so? They let dudes do like this? I had a friend who called out a cop one night. Really?

And they fought in front of three other cops. Whoa. He just said, you wouldn't do this shit without your tough friends. Take off the fucking badge and the gun, bitch. Why are we doing this? Take it off. You're not going to do it. And the guy goes, yes, I am.

Guy looked like Phil Simms. We were like in high school. We were maybe a year in high school when Phil Simms, a beat cop, fought one of my friends on the street. Two other cops there and like six of us there. Who won? My friend fucked him up. Really? My friend fucked him up.

That's how crazy it was. Why are we doing this? You don't like me. I don't like you. Forget the arrest, and let's throw down right here. You're a tough guy, motherfucker. Put off the gun. So after he beat his ass, what did the cop do? They fucking shook hands, and they never fucked with each other again.

Wow. I mean, he didn't throw him around, but he punched him in the fucking mouth a few times in front of his buddies. Oh, that's weird. And one time when I got out of the fucking jail in Boulder, I got out of the halfway house and I got into a fight with a guy that cut me off and he ended up spitting at the car and something happened, bro. I slipped and that guy had me. He was beating the fuck out of me, but then he slipped in the snow.

So when the cops got there, I was on top of them. They pulled us off. I was going back to prison. I thought they were going to violate me. He was beating the fuck out of me, but then he slipped in the snow. So when the cops got there, I was on top of them. They pulled us off. I was going back to prison. I thought they were going to violate me. I told the cop what happened. He told the cop what happened, but he was giving the cop a bad attitude. I won right there. He was telling the cop, what the fuck do you care?

The guy goes, hey. All of a sudden they talked and they put us back. I just told the cop the truth. I just got out of the halfway house. I can't get violated for this. Go talk to this guy. And then they came back and they go, we're not going to press charges, but shake hands. And the guy goes, I'm not going to shake his hand. And the cop looks at me, he looks at me and goes, you know what? When we got here, you weren't doing too fucking good.

Okay? Don't make me put him on fucking top of you again. You weren't doing too fucking good. Shake his fucking hand. And the guy shook my hand. That was the end of that. Yeah, we got it. You weren't doing too good.

Cops letting people fight is strange. Remember there was that thing that was going on in the California prisons where they're having these crazy fights, these underground fights, and the guards were like setting things up. The gladiator fights. Remember that? There was like a big article about it. I don't know if we could ask.

Gladiator days. Next time you see Mike Tyson, you should ask him if all that shit is true. See what he says to you. That they based that movie with Fucko on him. That was the story. That somebody, they actually let the warden leave town for christmas and one of the guys got in touch with a promoter and they brought somebody from boxing and to see mike tyson come on that's where they got the fucking idea for that movie let me go come

on undisputed let me excuse me go ahead go ahead pete that kid undisputed is based on a real story okay they brought a guy into prison. Come on, do you know how much that would be worth? When prison guards force inmates to fight. That was the, why'd you, what are you Googling now? Undisputed movie reel. Is it based on a real story? Wow.

Movie similarities to real life Tyson saga undisputed. But where's the fight? He didn't have a fight in jail. If Mike Tyson had a fight in jail, they would have filmed that. And Mike Tyson would be talking about it. Mike Tyson has that whole story, story you know where his whole live show where he talks about his entire life i mean if mike tyson had that in his life he would be telling people about it don't you think i mean i can't imagine that he would ever have a fight

in jail and not tell anybody about it i think the what was about it What are you looking up, Jamie? Someone was asking the same question. There's a boxing forum so maybe someone's got a link somewhere. People are silly. There's no links. You would have heard of it. We've known. If there was a video of Tyson fighting in jail, come on. For sure you're going to tape it or you're just going to let it happen

and trust your memory? You're going to bring in Riddick Bowe or someone like that and you're going to have Tyson fight him in jail? Get the fuck out of here. That's ridiculous. When was he in jail? Early 90s? Mid 90s? I don't remember the exact day. What year do you think Tyson was in jail? Tyson

went to jail 2000? 2001 around there? No, that was the more recent one, right? Wasn't he? I'm talking about the Jeep in Chicago, in Illinois. I think it was the late 90s, because he was out and fighting Holyfield while I was living in Encino, which I think was 96.

Yeah, I'm not sure. When did he go in he got arrested in 92 there's an article from 92 that says he got a six year prison term yeah that was when it was that's when it was

that's when it was how long was Tyson in jail for he still maintains out of all the shit he says that that that's that that never happened it was a setup

which is really crazy then you find out that that never happened. It was a setup. Which is really crazy. Then you find out that that same woman had set somebody else up. She had lied about another one, another alleged rape. Allegedly lied. I don't know the specifics. But that was in her past. Like, whoa.

He was released. It went in March. March 26, 92, he was sentenced. He was released March 95. Whoa March 26th 92 he was sentenced He was released March 95 Whoa so he did Three years Three years

Three years When did he retire How long has he been Retired for now He retired right after Well he had a couple Of fights But I think

With the Kevin Ferguson Fight Was that the one Where he retired What was his last fight 2005 2005 Tyson stunned The boxing world By quitting Was that the one where he retired? What was his last fight? 2005, Tyson stunned the boxing world by quitting before the start of the seventh round against Kevin McBride. Kevin McBride.

Okay. That's who it was. And, you know, the Lennox Lewis fight was a bad beating, too. That was before that. That was one where you knew, like, ooh oh he's just not the same guy anymore you know you go back and watch the guy that destroyed larry holmes it was a scary guy then you know he knew as much as anybody knew you can only go so long in that business it's just this is a shelf life nobody Nobody gets out. You know? It's a fun time for boxing right now.

You pay attention to boxing? I barely have time for what I got on my fucking plate, and I got to open up boxing, too. You know Bernard Hopkins is fighting? No. Yep. Yep. 50?

51. 51. He's fighting December 17th. Where? In L.A. He's fighting at the Forum. Yeah. Who's he fighting? Some young, tough, light, heavyweight white dude with knockout power.

We'll see. Barnard is so hard to hit. He's so clever. I don't think he'd be fighting if he wasn't still capable, too. Look at him right here. Come on, man. 51 years old, and he looks fucking great. Like, look at this. Look at these combinations, man.

I mean, everything looks smooth as fuck, man. That's the real Bernard Hopkins. When you're looking at him boxing here, you're not saying, oh, this is man. That's the real Bernard Hopkins. When you're looking at him boxing here, you're not saying, oh, this is a 51-year-old Bernard Hopkins. You're saying that's Bernard Hopkins. You know, Joe, 51, your reactions, your vision, there's a lot of other factors. Oh, for sure there's a lot of other factors, but this is amazing. Oh, it's amazing.

It's amazing that you could even consider that this guy at 51 years old should be allowed to fight professionally. He was also very smart. You pointed out a lot of stuff to me. He was always very smart. He never really got hit a lot. He didn't get in any big, big, big, big brawls with people. You know, I mean mean this guy always stayed pretty clean it's not like he's uh jiffy jeff you know yeah no he would make fights ugly he would

clinch a lot frustrate a lot of guys but he also could crack you know and he just was a really good boxer the the big coming out party for him was felix tridad. Right. When he fought Felix Trinidad and just boxed his face off, everybody just saw, like, wow. We thought Felix Trinidad was this young, hungry lion. He was taking on the older veteran who was probably on his way down. Bernard Hopkins wasn't on his way down. Like, he was just, like, coming into his own stride then. But he's always been so disciplined, man. So smart with his diet.

So smart with how he takes care of his body. Never allows himself to get out of shape. So he's never working back into shape. And always fights intelligent and defensively. He's always in the right position. That's why it might work for him. That's why at 51 it might work for him. Very well could.

He's working out with John David Jackson, who is a two-division world champ, I believe. I think he was at least one-division champ. But John David Jackson, a lot of people forgot about, was a really high-level boxer in like the 90s. This guy here? Yep. Yeah, John David Jackson. He looks familiar. He works with Sergey Kovalev.

Him and Sergey Kovalev. Him and Sergey Kovalev work together. So that was another guy that he trains. He trains. He's like one of the most respected up-and-coming trainers, particularly because he achieved a world championship level when he was boxing. He was a really high-level guy.

He used to work out with Terry Claiborne. You know Terry Claiborne? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to run the Hollywood Boxing Gym. What's really going on? That guy. I love that dude. Where is he now? He's in some gym in Hollywood.

I got to stop by and say hi to him. I saw Justin Fortune yesterday. Oh, how's that guy doing? Cancer could suck his dick, dog. What happened? He had cancer for a while, but I touched him yesterday. Damn. I think he beat the fuck out of the dog.

Beat the fuck out of cancer? I was thinking about it last night when I drove home. I was really in shock when I hugged him. He's solid. A bull. I mean, you could tell he lost 20 pounds. He was doing chemo. I didn't ask him, but bro.

What kind of cancer was it? Like something, a thyroid or something like that. Thyroid or something like that? Yeah, something like that. But man, when I hugged him yesterday, I was like, this guy got cancer. God damn. God damn. Well, you know, they're way better at taking care of cancer now than they've ever been before.

It was like hitting a wall. Like when I hugged him. I hadn't seen him in a year. I could never count. I don't go to Hollywood that much. So yesterday I was driving, and he's always training Pacquiao. He's in the Philippines. When I call at 6, I'm up.

I'll try to call. I even said to him, I call. So when he's training Pacquiao, how do him and Freddie Roach work stuff out? They go down there. So what is the difference between what he does and what Freddie does? I think he just does strength and fitness. Oh, okay. Okay, and Freddie does the mitts and everything else.

Justin was one of the first guys where his gym, I ever saw, he had like an altitude box. Yes. I was like, what? Like you go in the box and it simulates high altitude and you fucking go crazy and work out in there Yes Like that's high level

I mean he had like a vacuum attached to it or something like that that was sucking air out of there So it was like a very low oxygen state Something crazy yeah It used to be in the corner they moved it I didn't see it yesterday But man when I hugged him yesterday I was like, holy fuck, this guy's still solid Holy shit I'm really interested in seeing Bernard Hopkins fight this weekend I'm really interested

No, next weekend Next weekend, really interested Are you in town? No, I'm going to have to watch it on the road Where are you the 17th? Going somewhere, Joe Diaz Are you doing comedy? No

Okay, that's what I'm saying Going somewhere, Joe Diaz I ain't going to bother No. Okay. I'm going somewhere, Joe Diaz. I ain't going to bother you. I ain't asking you creepy questions, cocksucker. I just thought you were doing comedy somewhere. I didn't know you were one of the 17. No. My next gig, I'm booked past our gig on New Year's, December 31st.

I don't have anything booked until Portland. No. Just working on new shit. Now, what about in Toronto Friday? You have no show? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we do. Yeah.

It's me, Russell Peters, and Big Jay Oakerson. God damn! That's fucking, that's like one of those festivals. Yeah, we sold out Massey Hall in like an hour. It was pretty quick. It was pretty quick. What's Massey Hall's seat? 3,000000 2,800

something like that you doing two shows? no just one just one just wanted to have some fun it was you know Russell did the podcast

we were just joking around we're like we should do a show together I'm like let's book something man and then I'm like I'm gonna do Massey Hall you wanna do it with me? he's like fuck yeah I'll do it and then boom it was in

and then I talked to Big J you know actually maybe I talked to Big J first I asked Big J first yeah I asked Big J first. Yeah, I asked Big J first because he told me he was going to be in town for the fights. He wanted to get tickets for the fights. I go, fuck yeah.

I'm like, what are you doing Friday night? And he wasn't doing anything. I'm like, come on, man, let's work. Let's have some fun. That place is awesome. Is it really nice? Oh, yeah. The Beatles played there, man.

That place has an energy. 3,000 seats for the fucking Beatles? Hey, man, they did whatever the fuck they wanted. The Beatles could do whatever they wanted. They could play 3,000 seats. They could have paid arenas. I think they probably did everything. I got a boogie at three.

I got to tell you something. Let's wrap this shit up. What are you going to tell me? I want you to wrap this up. When I heard this story, I was like, I don't want to hear this, and I'm not going to watch it. Listen, you can call me a bunch of names and shit, and I probably won't say nothing to you. Don't fuck with me when it comes to music, and don't argue with me about restaurants. That's what gets under my fucking core, okay?

I hate it. When I hate a band, I don't like a fucking band Okay When I was growing up in Jersey I got a call When did I go see Twisted Sister And I'm like

That's the band With the makeup Listen I don't like makeup Alright I went with this Italian dude That had no fucking He had no tolerance either For bad music

Me and him were perfect Cause we walked out of movies together We're perfect for each other We walked in I'll never forget this The guy came of movies together We're perfect for each other We walked in I'll never forget this A guy came out and goes We're Twisted fucking sister man And we looked at each other

And we ran out of it Never again did I think of Twisted sister Dog watch the documentary On Twisted sister? The more the more They were selling 9,000 tickets No

14,000 tickets a week, and nobody would sign them as a band. I mean, that got awful. Got awful, that music. Look at this. Got awful. But they became huge in famous. Huge.

Nobody would sign them. The fucking assistants would come up to the president of the label and go, dog, Twisted Sister. And he goes, the next person who talks to me about Twisted Sister, I will fucking fire you. I do not like him. These guys sold so many. But it was in our, like, for you to understand this, you had to understand,

like, they're going to talk about all this shit you did when you did comedy. Do you know that Dee Snider guy is jacked? Jacked. Jacked? Jacked. Jacked. Jacked. And somebody picked a fight with him somewhere or something like that. Either someone picked a fight with him or there was a guy who looked exactly like Dee Snider who beat the fuck out of some dude.

I forget which one. It's one of those. It's either I got fooled and they revealed that it was a guy who looked just like him that kicked some dude's ass. But there was, is this him? Is this him or no? See, this guy sucker punches him. And he beats the fuck out of this dude. Look at him.

He slams him down on the ground. He body slammed him. Beats the shit out of him. Is that Dee Snider? It doesn't say if it's him, but it comes up when you Google him. Like when you Google Dee Snider fight. Dude, if it is Dee Snider, hespect. Respect.

He beat the fuck out of that dude. That dude sucker punched him. He body slammed him. Kicked the shit out of him. The guy was still talking shit, so he walked up on him again. I mean, this guy had sucker punched him. He beat the shit out of him if that is him it's not that i don't like d snide i don't like that i mean i just didn't like the music

but after i watched this documentary joe i fucking like i still don't like the music that much i like i'm gonna rock what is it we're gonna rock and even that right there is great right there that's tremendous that's that's the opening line of death. But it was pretty fucking interesting. They were doing like Long Island Wednesday, Jersey, 3,000 seats on Thursday, another 3,000 seats on Friday in the metropolitan area, and then 5,000 on Saturday. And no one would sign him nobody that's

incredible and every time they were gonna get signed something else happened like one guy guy came was an asylum he got on the plane died of a heart attack the other time they were gonna play the garden or something they sold out something I don't don't quote me on this they sold out something big in Manhattan 5,000 seats. Every A&R guy was gonna come and the drummer got a fucking infection. He couldn't play the drums for four days. I mean, it was

just like they kept getting kicked in the fucking ass. Boom, boom. And finally one day signed them and the rest happened. But it's pretty fucking interesting, man. Even though you may not like them, I didn't think much of them either. I liked them when I was a kid. I liked a bunch of their songs. I'm sure I bought one of their records.

That guy's a radio host now, isn't he? I'm not sure. I know he was. I know I called into his radio station once. Dee Snider? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was he cool? Long ass time ago.

Yeah, he was really cool. It was crazy. It was crazy just to talk to Dee Snider. I'm like, I'm talking to him. I don't remember. I hope I didn't imagine that. I called him for a radio show one time. I'm sure I called him. I'm talking to this guy, and after 10. I called him for a radio show one time. I'm sure I called him.

I'm talking to this guy, and after 10 minutes, I realize this is the guy that sang, Our love's in jeopardy. Oh. Baby. And he had something else, too. What the fuck was his name? Do you remember Aldo Nova? Life is just a fantasy.

Put the video on. We'll end with the video. Can we end with the video, please? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Do you remember the video on. We'll end with the video. Can we end with the video, please? Oh, no. Oh, no. Do you remember the video? Yes, I do. The beginning of it?

Want to play a little bit of it? But we can't play any of the music for the people at home. We'll just watch it for us. Yeah, after the beginning of that video. Aldo Nova, Life is Just a Fantasy. Life is Just a Fantasy. You know when this video premiered? New Year's Eve of 1982 or 3.

Give me some volume, young Jamie. Look at this. Wow. This is 83? Whoa. That's one of the crazy things about really good video. Like this is, you know,

you see these people. This is a time capsule. This is people from the 80s you know they talk about how music isn't selling anymore maybe because don't they don't do these goofy things look at this well it's because the only way to get music back then was you gotta buy it it's not the case anymore it's pretty easy to get music now. Now it's about making it convenient to people. There's Aldo, motherfucking Nova with a leopard leisure suit on. Bitch,

what? Look at him. Handsome motherfucker. He hopped out. He didn't even say hi to anybody with his leopard. Didn't even acknowledge the fact, yeah, I got a leopard skin leotard. What? You know he's still around? Aldo Nova is? He's just a songwriter now. Oh.

Man, well, you can't take this away from him. Watch this shit. They're breaking down this door to get into this warehouse, and Aldo Nova takes his guitar out. It gets better. Dude, everybody stand back. He's going to shoot the wall with his guitar. Look at the laser.

Cuts through the door with his guitar laser. Here it comes, baby. Don't fast forward through that part either. Suffer. Suffer to get to this. Suffer to get to this song. You don't remember this, do you, Jamie? Because you spent too much time on black Twitter, okay? We you spent too much time on black Twitter.

Okay? Wearing your Yeezys. Look at him, dude. Look at him go up there. Here it goes. You don't even know this song, do you? Here we go, baby. Jamie's look.

The look on Jamie's face. Put the camera on you. Can you put the camera on you? Look at your face That's a legitimate reaction To hearing Aldo Nova In 2016 For the first time Come on bro

Look at that He's got a scarf on It's a leather scarf Like a snake skin leather He doesn't really have a scarf Does he? No Look at that outfit The leopard print have a scarf, does he? No.

Look at that outfit. The leopard print. It's beautiful. This song is hypnotic. Tell me it's not bringing you in. Bringing you back. What were you, like five when this came out? You weren't even born, were you?

83. I was born in the beginning of 83. You were born in 83? So this is your baby, your baby when jamie was born this is probably planned i'm telling you this for me new year's eve hey joe and also tell them if they go to cecil and they're pressing joey they get two months for free. Oh, okay. So they get the special for free. Okay, so the special is free. It's free. Tomorrow, CISO, Joey, and you're done for free for two months. Put Joey in. That's the code.

Joey for two months free. Two months free. Get on it, folks. Let's blow this shit up. I'll put it up on Twitter and Instagram and all that. Here, let me get a picture of you right now. And Joey motherfucking Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. Holla, bam.

Pssh. Aldo Nova in the background. That's it, folks. I love you motherfuckers. We love you. See ya. Bye. Happy Merry.

Happy New Year. Happy Hanukkah.