The Joe Rogan Experience - #885 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called Your Mom's House available on Spotify. His "No Teeth No Entry" tour starts in 2017, tickets are available at http://tomsegura.com now. Powerful Hoodies - http://www.youngjamie.com/shop/powerful-hoodie-black

Oh shit Tommy puns were live yo dawg what's up brother what's up man we already did a podcast we totally did yeah we just we just went off we started going off about everything I was really lost in it too me too well excuse me folks we're slightly intoxicated. Yeah. That's what happens. DJ Dadmouth. You know what I'm saying?

Have you done any variations to DJ Dadmouth now? Have you gotten bored with it? Oh, I'm totally bored with it. I just stopped doing it. You decided to stop? Well, I just haven't actually done that much morning TV shows lately. So there was a bunch of those in a row. Now is that?

God damn it, it folks i'm sorry i didn't even drink the buttered coffee um was did you decide to just stop doing those things they stopped i mean if it i you know if i was doing morning press tomorrow and i just wanted to do something to entertain myself i would just do it again I met a lot of really nice people on morning TV. Yeah. But it's the most restrictive venue. It's a bad idea. From the thing is here, like, comedy clubs are just thinking,

we've got to let as many people know about you to sell tickets. There's a certain point when you're a certain type of comic, basically, where you're like, my audience is not going to find me there. People aren't going to come because of, I just feel like it's a waste of time with certain comics to do Good Morning Toledo, you know? Yeah, like what percentage of the people that are watching Good Morning Toledo would like your act?

Yeah, it's real low. It's not high. You know what I mean? Are you sure, though? Like, who watches those? Who watches those morning shows? If you had to guess. Housewives?

If I had to guess, mostly, yeah. I would say mostly. Mostly housewives. Yeah. With their children, young children. And then, you know, the guy's like, I'm going to show you how to make a chicken that really isn't here when we come back, you know?

What about retired people? Would that be on the demographic? Yeah. And then you don't, you know what you don't see a lot of at my shows. Like moms, stay-at-home mom or whatever and retired people. Yeah. So they're not at the show. Yeah.

It's a totally different art form, folks. Yeah. Yeah. They don't really cross over that much. But they don't think of that. They do the blast. Some people are good at it though. Yeah.

No, there's some are good. Did you ever see Tracy Morgan When he pulled his shirt off And started hitting his stomach And he was saying that someone was getting pregnant That's probably the best good morning Anything of all time And he was in Chicago And I think he ends it with

He goes Horace Grant holler Which is you know the old power forward for the Chicago Bulls. That was such a great fucking improv line right then. Oh, that's hilarious. That was like the button on the whole thing where you're like, Jesus, he just shouted out Horace Grant. He told him to holler. It's so funny.

It's the best one. Tracy Morgan's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. He was slapping his belly yeah he's saying someone's getting pregnant it's absurd so people are gonna pay to see your show they'll just see you smacking on your butt taking all the power back wait a minute i gotta take the power back put it back on oh, we just lost your microphone

You might want to put taxes come on don't go to break this is Oh my god. This is just a sample of what people can expect. More dancing, more shirtless action. Love. It's all love. I'm Captain James T. Kirk. I went to Vietnam.

Tracy, one of your favorite characters. What characters do you do? I got them wheelchair gloves. You know the black leather one with the fingers cut off? I'm going to stop asking. Do a little bit of spoony love. Can you do that for me? This is the character you're doing. Get them wheelchair gloves Do a little bit spoonie look can you do that for me? This is the character you don't guys one of my that's terrible I guess tail You might hold that. Let me see spoonie. Love was on shame. Oh, no, I can't do spoonies. Oh, he was graphic Yeah, you're right. I get his children watching but I did get this leg blowed off I'm at the comic strip comic script Tracy Morgan will perform this weekend. I love you. I love you too.

I love you too. Tickets still available, folks. You know, who knows what's going to happen. Dude, you know what I love? Oh, my God. What I love too. I was just thinking about. Can people hear that?

On YouTube? Okay. That the Horace Grant reference in that Chicago one is so, it's such the funniest choice. It's such a little detail. Like that was so funny that he went like, I need fingerless wheelchair clothes.

Because he's sitting like that. He's already thinking this is what it's like to sit in a wheelchair. But I love when the shout out, like it was in Chicago. So you're thinking Bulls. Anybody could have said shout out to Michael Jordan. Right. Or second most famous Scottie Pippen. And it's still funny.

But like the reference to almost like it was like an inside Bulls reference. You know, it's like so specific to you have. It's like the perfect third on the list name. Right. To shout out. And plus the name sounds better. Horace Grant is just a better name to yell. You know, the name Hor sounds better Horace Grant is just a better name to yell you know the name Horace Horace Grant!

Holla! And then the newscasters are like alright see you later like they don't know what to do it's so funny though yeah that guy was trying to get him to do impressions while he's in the middle of this awesome rant that was in Chicago by the way where was that that was Texas why was that guy trying to get him to do impressions while he's in the middle of this awesome rant. That was in Chicago, by the way. Where was that? That was Texas. Why was that guy trying to get him to do impressions while he was in the middle of that amazing rant? He didn't know what to do. Do you think the people were in his ear?

Were they telling him? They're like, watch him. Watch out. Get him to change it. Get him to change it. Change the subject. Yeah. Did they put something in his ear, do you think?

Do those guys have earpieces? Yes, usually. Most of the time, yes. Earpieces are weird, man. When someone's talking in your ear and you're talking. Yeah. It. Most of the time, yes. Earpieces are weird, man. When someone's talking in your ear and you're talking is one of the most

distracting things. It's very difficult to hear someone talk and then still maintain. You guys do that in the fights. Very rarely. They're so good at it.

But when you pop it in, they never talk? They never talk over me. Okay. I mean, they're so good. Is that earpiece feeding you anything though or just hearing your voice is it like a the producers can i can we can talk they're gonna ask

them about a specific replay yeah like show me that again can you show me that for an overhead i want to see where that landed or yeah or things along those lines but um and uh sometimes uh mark de la grata and i will have conversations yeah like. Like I'll ask him, like, is this a good thing, a good piece of advice that someone's given? Do you agree with that? And he and I will have discussions about like whether we agree with certain tactics. Sure. Which is an interesting discussion because Mark is like a real world-class trainer, knows a lot about Muay Thai specifically and a lot about MMA.

Do they ever feed you something where you like, it totally blows your mind? Like, Oh shit, I didn't realize that's what happened. And sometimes you'll see something, uh, like they'll see something in a replay. Maybe someone catches it like a break of an ankle or a weird roll of an, of a knee or something like that. And I'll say, like, watch this. Look at his, look at his ankle. Look at his ankle. And then you go, Oh shit. They'll show it to me. that. And I'll say, like, watch this. Look at his ankle. Look at his ankle.

And then you go, oh, shit. They'll show it to me. Yeah. And I'll go, oh, yeah. So we'll have a conversation. Like, oh, yeah, we need to show that. And then we'll replay something. Wow.

I was thinking, too, I was watching. I was just looking on Instagram that you were in Toronto. And you did a show. And then you did the fights the next day. And I was thinking as, like you do the call the fights. I was like, man, there's no other broadcaster in the major sports where like the night before

he had as good a time as you did. Like, like there's no way Al Michaels and Chris Collingsworth are like tonight. We're going to fucking party with fans. And then tomorrow we'll call the Cowboys and the Giants. That never happens for sure. Yeah. You get to really have the best trips that are work trips when you think about it.

Oh, yeah. They're so fun. It's fucking nuts. But even when I don't do a show. You still love the fights. UFC is awesome. Of course. Live, watching live fights, man. Especially now that I loosened up my schedule. So I go, um, I go like half as much and it's only North America. Yeah. No, none of those big crazy trips. They just take too long. They break you down. Yeah.

It takes too many days to recover from them. It's killer. It kills you. But on top of that, it's like, that's the right amount for me. Yeah. To just still be super enthusiastic about it. There's nothing like it. I mean, I'll tell you, I didn't become a hardcore MMA guy,

but now I watch it casually and enjoy it. But the whole reason is that I went to it live. Going to it live changes your perspective completely. There's nothing like it. Yeah. I've only been to a few other sports live. I've been to baseball games, been to basketball games, been to a hockey game.

Basketball live will change your perspective. Yeah. Just how enormous they are, how athletic, how fast the shit is. Yeah, it's incredible. When you see the footwork and the movement, when they're doing some sort of a crazy layup, it's like, God damn, super athleticism while people are trying to stop you from doing it.

And there's 10 people in not that much space. When you're at Basketball Live, you're like, that's not that much room, especially on a half court. It takes this laser beam focus to be able to stop and put that ball exactly where you want it. What an interesting skill. To the way that they pass. Actually, you know, LeBron's like on top of being this super athlete

and everything, his passing skills are absurd. You can look at a passing reel at him and you're like, how did he even, I think even people that play basketball, how did he even do that? Because he'll go in a direction and anticipate that someone's going to be somewhere else within seconds and then we'll behind like behind his head pass it and if you you just can't put it together you're like do you think these are things they work on they must they must work i think so i think they work on it but i think at at their level and players like at his level, it's just second nature.

There's so much improvisation. Absolutely. Yeah. So it's kind of a creative game in a lot of ways. Dude, it's, yeah, it's really fucking amazing to watch high level. High level anything. I mean, I don't like soccer that much, but I will watch, like I don't watch it regularly, but when World Cup comes on, I'll turn into like a mini fanatic. You got to watch it regularly but when world cup comes on i'll turn into like a a mini

fanatic you got to watch it with ian edwards oh he's fucking really hardcore he's hardcore he has his own podcast about just about it yeah yeah him and some other dude who's the other dude that he does it with you know jason galern right is it galern well galern and him did it did it at one point i know for sure that's funny galern's a really funny guy he's a fucking hilarious comedian really funny guy yeah we're talking about um um i was gonna i was gonna bring something else i probably can't talk about this yet oh yeah yeah we're just gonna bring say something nice but i don't think we can talk about it yet but um martin harris that's who he does it with so maybe does some with galern is galern galern's a big uh soccer player big big soccer guy yeah he's at high level you ever watch like that what's

that little dude's name messy messy yeah lionel yeah yeah there he is you gotta que it up. Jamie's a wizard. Look at him. He went to me. This dude's like 25 or 26, you know? Yeah, and he's this just technical wizard, improvisational wizard. No, he's amazing. I've watched these highlights, man. I've watched a bunch of his because it's fascinating just to watch somebody that good at anything. You know? If you told me, like, I just tweeted out this thing today about a dart player. And they're like, this is one of the baddest motherfuckers in darts.

I'll watch that dude throw darts for hours. Look at this. Look at this. Dude, this guy's a wizard. Look at this. Just embarrassing. That's just wizardry. Yeah.

That guy, he moves like a wizard it's like what he's able to do with that ball it's just fucking astounding yeah and that you know be so much better than people to do something like that and then the thing i always think about remind myself of is that he's so much better than people who are really great at it. Yeah, you know exactly he's not playing me out there You know like those are other Professionals yeah, and he's just like I'm gonna embarrass you man You're not gonna want to talk to your wife or your mother after this game. Well occasionally there's fights like that, too Yeah, well you get this shit

At least these guys they're getting humiliated, but nobody's getting hurt. Oh, look at that wizardry. That is just fucking straight up wizardry. Yeah. It's amazing. Like his footwork is just, it's like he's doing a different thing than them. Did he get tripped over the referee? Is that what happened there? It looked like it.

How dare they. Is that what happened? Did a referee get in the way? Did referees get in the way? That's annoying. Dude, in football? Get out of the way? Did referees get in the way? That's annoying. Dude, in football. Get out of the way. In our football.

That team was wearing stripes. There's some big time. Collisions. Oh. Oh, yeah, my God. Nasty. Over the middle shit where the guy's like. And he's like 64.

Oh, my God. No. He just turns and just. No. God, no. Yeah, you see their heads. Do they die? No.

No, but there's guys. They're never the same again. You can't be on some of them. Do they die? No, but there's guys... They're never the same again. You can't be on some of them. Some of them are horrific men. Imagine a regular person getting hit by a football player. There's only a couple of refs that stand out as really in shape in football. Most of them just look like

a healthier, a more fit, but normal-bodied guy. Then there's Ed Hockulees and there's another guy who are like a little more. Jacked. A little bit, yeah. A little bit. There's this dude who invented this thing called the Iron Neck. His name's Mike Jolly.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to get this out of my throat, folks. I know. It's as annoying to me as it is to you. But he came by to. There's Hockulees. Come on, man. He's 60 something. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. But he came by to... There's Hocules. Come on, man. He's 60-something.

Sorry. Oh, my God. That guy's going to get hit by something? No, but look. He's in shape, I'm saying. Oh, yeah. He's one of the... Look how...

He's an older guy, and he's definitely in shape. Yeah, but even though, if you're an older guy and in shape, you're getting hit by an actual NFL player. It sucks. The point is, this guy came over here to demonstrate. Jesus Christ. He came over to demonstrate this thing. He's a fucking giant.

Yeah. That guy's huge. You're just thinking, like, if this guy played football, if I played football and he played football and we ran into each other, that would be terrible for me. Yeah. Yeah. Like, there's a different kind of person out there. These, like, unless you've been around, like, a pro NFL player. Yeah. Yeah. Like there's a different kind of person out there. These,

these, like, unless you've been around like a pro NFL player, you see him walk through a crowd of people and you go, Oh man, I just met JJ Watt. I just met him like a month ago. And I was like, like people call me like big fella that I meet, you know, big guy, big fella. Hey man, I know you're big guy, you know, all that stuff. Right, right, right. And then in your head you're like, I guess I am a big guy. And then you meet that dude. And, like, I looked like a child next to him, you know. Like I looked like an actual, like a little boy meeting a Superman or something. That's a giant human being.

He's a giant, giant, enormous man. They make people. We watched or we looked at this website that held up all the various heights and weights of NFL players from 20, 30 years ago in comparison today. Oh, yeah. It's like night and day. It's amazing. Yeah. When I was a kid, I remember linemen, which is the biggest players in football football were like 275 was the standard weight

and when people would say that you go that's a fucking humongous guy i mean i'm like eight nine years old you go 275 and that was like the thing and it was a big deal if a guy weighed 300 pounds and if you're over 300 you were an anomaly like you remember the refrigerator the fridge right yeah so that was like the thing was like he was like the biggest human in the NFL. And they called him the fridge and he was like fatter and everything. But they couldn't believe, you know, it was a thing to be like, this guy's over 300 pounds. Now, if you weighed 300 and you were playing on the line, you'd be underweight. You'd be one of the light guys.

Because there's guys that are 330, 340 playing that position and athletic guys too. Wow. Really huge, man. Really, really huge. How much bigger can they get? Like what's maximum size for a pro athlete? I thought about that. I thought about it.

There was this guy who played but he wasn't really great, but he was 6'8", 400. 6'8", 400 pounds. Yeah yeah that's a human being yeah exactly like imagine if like everybody was 6'8 400 pounds the world would be a different place i mean it's a different thing that's a different kind of human being 6'5 289 but this guy is really fast really athletic box jump what In a 4A, 440. What the fuck are you talking about? Look what that just says. It says he made a 61-inch box jump.

That is insane. For the average person to understand how insane that is, how do you describe how insane it is to watch an almost 300 pound man launch himself literally 5 feet into the air. Here we go. Look at this fucker. That is fucking insane. That is insane. Look at the size of this prick.

I stood in the middle of his back. Here he goes. Watch this. Oh my god! That's insane! Must have been the shoes, baby! Wow, I mean he fucking launched himself in the air. Big fuck, man. That's so hard to do. Yeah. Like, what he just did.

Like, one tenth of super athletes could probably do, right? How many people could do that? Jamie, you're a big fan. He's one of very few, and there's a couple guys that, I don't know, it's not five feet, but like easily three, three and a half feet that jump out of the pool. Oh, I've seen that.

Some guys do that with weights in their hands too. Yeah, BJ Penn can do that. So can Chad Mendes. Silly. It's crazy. Yeah, this is a... But those guys are smaller guys. He's a humongous guy, dude.

Yeah. BJ, he's fought as heavy as heavyweight. Really? Yeah, BJ fought... He fought heavyweight? Yeah. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he fought...

What's he like, 5'9"? What's that? 5'9"? Is that right? Height-wise? Yeah, somewhere around there. Yeah. He fought Lyoto Machida.

He fought Lyoto Machida. He fought Lyoto Machida, and Lyoto Machida was, you know, clearly 200-plus pounds. And Lyoto Machida had knocked out Rich Franklin, too. What's BJ's, like, walk-around weight? Now he's pretty light because he's fighting at 145. But if he wasn't at 5, he'd be like a 160, 170 guy? Yeah, if he got up, yeah. Yeah, if he wasn't 5, would he be like a 160, 170 guy? Yeah, if he got up, yeah. Yeah, if he wasn't doing a lot of cardio. Yeah.

I bet he probably walks around like 160 or something like that. But he won the 155 and he won the 170. What happened in that heavyweight fight? He won. Oh, he won? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I think he won the Lyoto Machida. I think he...

No, no, he lost the Lyoto Machida. He lost the decision. That's a big deal. See if that's true. I believe that's true. I think he lost the decision. Does it say that anywhere? I know he fought.

He left the UFC and he fought a couple fights at other organizations. He fought Bang Ludwig in Japan. And he had a fight with Lyoto Machida you got it young Jimmy yeah that's it look Lyoto Machida

he was big back then Lyoto won the decision yeah crazy Lyoto goes on to be the UFC light heavyweight champion and BJ is now fighting as a featherweight it's fucking incredible.

That's a really nutty thing that fighters do when you try to win and compete at different weight classes. BJ just didn't give a fuck. He was so confident, particularly early in his career. That was one of the things about him when he would fight. He just had this intense belief in himself. And he would be super, super aggressive too. Like he knocked out this dude, Kyle Uno, in like six seconds.

And Kyle Uno is a really good fighter. Kyle Uno is very experienced. He's fought a lot of like real world-class guys in Japan. And he was a real respected grappler. And it was an interesting matchup because of BJ's grappling pedigree. Like BJ won the Mundials. And Kyle Uno was thought to be like a really good grappler, and it was an interesting matchup because of BJ's grappling pedigree. Like, BJ won the Mundiales, and Kyle Uno was thought to be, like, a really good grappler, real solid wrestler and submission guy, but BJ just stormed at him, just stormed at him and just starched him.

Yeah. It was crazy. He just believes that he's going to knock you out. He was just so good. People who didn't get to see him live when he was in his prime BJ was so good he was so good like when he beat Diego Sanchez I remember thinking damn like that was what I think what you call like peak BJ peak BJ was like he beat Sean Shirk he destroyed Sean Shirk was a really tough fighter like people forget how good Sean Shirk was Sean Shirk was up like a human pitbull this dude was

just jacked. Super strong wrestler. Super, super aggressive. Did BJ go into it with a trained background or just like a scrappy fighter? He was very trained. He's very technical, especially on the ground. He's really high level in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Super technical.

He was like that when he came in to fight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know when he started his striking out, but I know he got his black belt in jiu-jitsu in three years. Fast, right? Which is just bananas fast. Okay. Like one-tenth of one percent fast.

Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, for most people, getting a black belt in jiu-jitsu is like... Like if you're a real phenom, you can get it in like seven years. As a phenom? Yeah. There's a few guys that will get it earlier.

You know, like if you have some particular talent physically, which seems like a lot of people equate martial arts, rightly so, with like technique is the most important thing. It absolutely is. But another thing that is almost as important as technique is physical dexterity of your body. Yeah. What you can do and what you can't do with your body.

Some people are super flexible, like BJ. BJ's ridiculously flexible. And BJ would wrap guys up with his legs. His legs are like weapons. They're like arms. Really? So he chokes you with his arms and he's choking you with his legs. Yeah, wow.

He has incredible dexterity and flexibility with his legs. And that's always made BJ particularly dangerous on the ground. And he's just smart about fighting. He just is very good at understanding when to push things, when not to, where he's, you know. He just, you know, he's just,

like with everybody, you only fight a lot of tough fighters, you're going to have some losses. Yeah. That's essentially what happened to BJ. That's a fucking rough business, man. It is a rough business. God.

BJ's still fighting. Now he's going to fight this kid named Yair Rodriguez, who is a phenom. Have you ever seen that guy? How long has BJ been fighting for? I got to say, shit, he must have started his career in the early 2000s. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's a long time.

Yeah. Long time to fight. Well, he was, you know, yeah, I would like to guess he probably started fighting somewhere around well let's find out 2001 2001 15 years of scrapping it's a lot yeah it's a lot

yeah it's just when you see it live you understand really first hand what the actual real consequences of these exchanges are. Live for me was just also the excitement around it. I mean, it's an arena of people so jacked and for a fight. And, you know, like I think you've said,

like nothing in and of itself is as exciting as a fight. You know, like a fight in any moment is exciting. But when you have a, uh, an arena full cheering with, you know, the excitement to add to that, there's something you can't duplicate, you know, on a energy level. Right. The consequences are so high. The consequences are high, but there's like, there's an energy in the room of somebody walking up and you hearing that like that, you know it raises that the hair on your neck and you're like oh god and then with everything that lands that cheering yeah whoa man it's just it's you can't you can't mimic that you know no and yeah it's it's you know i hate the phrase

because we've said for so long it's as real as it gets yeah Yeah, but it is just Yeah You know what is it about a phrase when you say a phrase too long? They just stop meaning anything People start to miss use phrases. Yeah, you know They work beats talent with talent refused to work hard, right? But I know that's true, but I fucking hate it when people say it. Yeah. Yeah, don't say it say it too much anymore I hate it. I said that one's done, right? It's a fucking terrible, yeah. But there's certain ones, like as real as it gets, like done. Yeah, I knew this guy who used to say. I don't want to hear it anymore.

He used to say, you got to stop and smell the roses sometimes to talk about life. But then he just started antidepressants. So I was like, oh, this is just like the medicine talking. Because he was just always like, you know, and then you stop and you smell the roses. And we're like, yeah, no, you said that three times already. Hey, let me ask you this, dude, because you're in the middle of this wild, it looks like my voice is back. You're in the middle of this wild, crazy bet with Bert Kreischer to see who can lose the most weight by January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, right? You're going to weigh in three days in a row.

Are you going to emcee it? Fuck yeah. We're doing it at the forum. You know that, right? Fuck yeah. to weigh in three days in a row. You're going to emcee it? Fuck yeah. We're doing it at the Forum. You know that, right? Fuck yeah. Where are you going to do it? What's the Forum? The Forum is the-

Great Western Forum? Yeah, yeah. That's where the weigh-in's going to be? That's what I was told. I don't know. Really? Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Actually, I think we'll do it. Can we do it here? We could weigh in here live on the air. We could do that, but if you want to do it live in front of a crowd. We can do it anywhere. Did you guys really want to do it live in front of a crowd? We had... No, no, no.

That's a joke. Okay. I was like, man, you probably could do it. Yeah. We... Right? Yeah. We get a couple thousand people in the forum to see you guys in your underwear.

I'll do it if we can get a couple of those ring girls but that look way different than those I want really big ones, real heavy real heavy ring girls? then I'll do it that's fat shaming though if you start using heavy ring girls this whole thing is fat shaming

it doesn't matter, you're a guy you can take it you never accuse guys is fat shaming. It doesn't matter. You're a guy. That's true. You can take it. Yeah, you can take it. Like, guys, you never accuse guys of fat shaming. No. This is how crazy that term is. Ronda Rousey, who's, of course, you know, former UFC bantamweight champion. Yes.

All-time great mixed martial artist. She has this girl, Juliana Piana pena that is in her weight division and they they talk shit to each other or at least juliana's been talking shit about uh ronda rousey yeah and ronda rousey um what she was saying was that ronda rousey has large arms she said she has fat arms really it was one of the things which is like. Which is like so innocuous. Yeah. And people were saying that she was fat shaming her. And I went, well, what are you, are you really seriously, first of all, protecting Ronda fucking Rousey? I think it's really more about that the lady that said it, that's to her such a horrible thing to say, you know? But they're going to, they're going to fight is my point.

Yeah, but she's like- Eventually, maybe. She's like, I might lose that fight. I don't have fat ass arms like you do. And that to her, she's like, I'll always have these awesome arms. Really? I think, yeah.

Because I mean, somebody to go after that, like that's for her a big deal, you know? Those- But yeah, Ronda doesn't need any defense. Yeah. Even when Ronda's really thin, like she's like really thin now. She's jacked. Looks amazing, of course.

But I mean, she's got muscles, man. Yeah, yeah. You know? I mean, she's got some big ass shoulder muscles and big arm muscles. Yeah. There's a reason. They're not all fat. No way.

But those fucking things are launching chicks through the air. Yeah. She's got plenty of muscle. But my point was, they're proposing to fight in a fucking cage, and somehow or another it's this unbelievable outrage because she made fun of her arms being fat. I know, right? They're going to beat each other nearly to death. What are we talking about?

You fucking fat ass. I mean, is that really? You can insult people about their personality. Yeah, people. The fat thing is really. You know what it is, too? First of all, I encourage fat shaming. I think it's helpful.

Do you? For real? I really do. I think it's absolutely helpful. Why do you think it's helpful? It just depends on your psyche, I guess, how you respond to it. But I think it's just like somebody calling you out on your bullshit. It's just a version of that. there's a physical version of that and if a lot of people

you can be in denial you know i think a lot of people are in denial about a lot of things well a lot of people just want to live their lives too to take to play devil's advocate right a lot of people just want to live their lives and they don't mind being heavy right they don't like it when people are talking shit about something that's a choice yeah you know i mean i'm not saying that that person doesn't have a right to feel that way. Right, but it's what I think some people have a problem with is that there's certain people that didn't do anything wrong.

They didn't do anything to you. Everything they've done, they've done to themselves. Yeah. But if you're shitting on them, it's kind of a, it's an easy thing to do. It is an easy thing to do. And, you know, if you weren't so fat, nobody would talk about it. So, I mean, look, I've been called fat at so many different points.

I've been up and down my whole life. So I feel, I think because of that, and when you get older, you have more acceptance with, like, not having a problem with somebody saying it. Plus, you know, I get, I'm a public figure in a lot of ways, right? So I'm used to people being like, fuck you and go fuck yourself. I hate your act. Yeah. You're like, oh, okay.

It's another version of that. Yeah. Like you're fat. Yeah. And you're like. Fuck you. Same feeling. It's the same feeling.

I'm saying like, I've gotten so much that has nothing to do with fat that somebody throws in fat and you're like, yeah, okay. You know? So weird. I saw your special. I fucking hated it. And you're like, okay. Seriously disappointed, bro.

Yeah. Seriously disappointed. You disappoint me. Yeah. Oh, you disappoint me, bro. You disappoint me. Whoa. All right.

Why did you disappoint this fella? I mean, it was, you know, I was just like, I'm not going to engage you, so. It's bizarre when people do engage people. We were talking about this before the podcast. Philly D, you know, from the internet, from YouTube. Very nice guy, Philip DeFranco. We've had him on the podcast before. Super nice guy.

He was going out with some chick. He tweeted something today. What was his original tweet? Was it about Kanye or something like that? It was about Kanye visiting Trump, and he tweeted like Trump would tweet. Oh, that's right. Right. He tweeted, can't wait to see Trump tweet after this.

Met with Kanye West, tremendous American artists. Shame. Jay won't call him, pick up the phone, sad exclamation point, which is really fucking funny. That's really funny.

And, uh, some woman got really mad and look what she wrote. Mind your damn white business and stay out of black people's beef. You not a part of black Twitter. Stop stealing their tweeting style. And then I went to her page and I think she's a troll. Maybe.

I think she's a troll. Oh, really? I think she's trolling. We don't have to give out her name or anything like that. Please don't get anybody excited. Maybe she's real. Huh. Hmm.

But maybe she just felt like shitting on him too who knows maybe she just felt like typing and didn't think he was going to respond but he responded in a video oh he did yeah and one of his videos he responded and talked about i was like wow this is weird huh i love when people say like you're you're not to comment on this top on on this story. Right. Like, why not? The best is that if you make any comment or joke about anything political, somebody who disagrees with that political position will go, we don't really need a comedian commenting on this. And you're like, oh, okay. What do you do? Are you the, you're the person qualified to talk about it? Yeah.

How does that work? Yeah. So you work at the store, the factory, and you're allowed to comment on things? Is that something that you would ever say to anybody? You're not allowed to comment on it? Of course not. That's so crazy. Yeah, I know.

It's absolutely... I hate these fucking... White people adding their two cents to Kanye and Jay-Z's saga, trying to get RT, shut your goddamn mouth, always buttoning. Well, she got us to talk about her. Yeah. Good job. I mean, this is the new world we're living in, man.

So you're not allowed to comment on that because it's black beef, she's saying. Well, anybody telling you you're not allowed to comment on anything is crazy. Says who? Yeah. Let me tell you something. I have talked to people. I have had the dumbest Conversations with people who think their kung fu master could fight in the UFC

Yeah Everybody's scared of someone dying if someone understands real cheat they're real Chi master I've had these kind of conversations of people how much do people believe that kung fu a lot of people still do Where do you think it would fall on the scale of the martial arts? A lot of people still do. Where do you think it would fall on the scale of the martial arts ability to win major fights with highly trained people in either? Like where would Kung Fu fall? The problem with martial arts, with individual martial arts.

Aikido is obviously at the top. Yes. But the problem with individual martial arts like that is that they're no longer unaware of the tactics and abilities of other martial arts. So it used to be that if you were like a Taekwondo guy like I was, you would have a delusional sense of how good you would do in a fight with a judo person. Because you're not fully aware. Because nobody grabbed you before and threw you around. So you really have no idea how easy it would be for them to do it. You have this distorted idea in your head.

Now everybody knows. You're like, I'm going to fuck this guy up. Yeah. Now everybody knows. So now it's real'll just fuck this guy up. Yeah. Now everybody knows. So now it's real hard to say, like, a kung fu guy. Like, if a kung fu guy fought a judo guy, who would win? Because there's no real only kung fu guys anymore. And there's no real only judo guys anymore.

They all know about MMA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody knows. If you're a martial artist, especially you get to your black belt level or something like that, you're aware of artist, especially you're you know, you get to your black belt level or something like that You're aware of other shit now, so you you know what things you know what's more effective now Like there's a better understanding of it than anyone's ever had before so if you're like a high-level martial artist Even just a wrestler or something like that. I guarantee you they know most of them know something else Yeah, they know how to throw their hands

They know how to throw a kick or two right you know and if they got like a really good coach They could probably get pretty good at striking pretty fucking quick. Sure. But striking is one of those weird things, man, it seems, that it's really difficult for people to get really good at it if they don't have the right body for it and they start late in life. It's real weird. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get better at it, but there's a certain amount of speed that you need to execute.

To really set up and knock somebody. Yeah. There's a certain amount. You can get by with a certain amount of speed against lesser competition. You can get by even more so if you are more of a threat as a wrestler. And you can get by even more so if you're really smart. You really understand when to engage, when not to engage. And you're threatened with the wrestling.

You can get away with having a slower striking style. But if you can't do those things, then you're a fucking sitting duck. And that's one of the most terrifying aspects of MMA. One of the most terrifying aspects of MMA is being stuck in the middle of the cage with a guy like Anderson Silva in his prime. He's just sliding slightly out of the way of your shit and bam! Cracking you in the face and He's just sliding slightly out of the way of your shit and bam, cracking you in the face. And he's dancing around and he's making the wobbly face like he's rocked to fuck with

you. And then he kicks you and punches you. He's done some creepy shit to dudes inside the Octagon. I mean, creepy in a way that's not negative. I mean, so good. He's had these moments in fights where you just go, holy shit, it's creepy. Yeah. Like, you get stuck in a cage with that dude.

He would just, he just basically, if this was a thousand years ago, it would be that he would be the king of the village. Most likely. You know? Well, the king of the village would be the biggest guy. Right. See, what we're doing is we're separating people by size. That's true.

At the end of the day, like, you meet a guy like Brock Lesnar, lesnar you go oh that's why there's a heavyweight division right that's a totally different kind of human how much how much how many guys like that can actually and i'm talking about brock specifically but that are like 285 to move like him well no that can keep a body like that without anything additional like Like, in other words. That's a super good question. And it's not an honest question. The problem is people are real dishonest about what they take and what they don't take. Yeah. You know, it's weird because there's people that will argue with you.

They'll say that there's only so big a person can ever get and be so fast without help. But then you got to say, but their understanding of recovery is way better today than ever before. Like, their understanding of, like, when to train, when not to train, when you're overtrained. Like, if you're at a real high-level place, they're going to, like, if they're grooming you to be an NFL player or something like that,

they're going to give you some pretty high-level instruction and coaching. And if you're eating right, you're going to have definitely a jump over people that were in your same sort of position 20 years ago. Right. So the athletes are going to be better just because of the science of training. Sure. But after that, you got to wonder, you know, I mean, it's not like they don't know about them. Of course. They all know about steroids.

It's so easy to get. Yeah. It's not like they don't know about them and it's not like they don't know they help. And these dudes like some of the guys are definitely fat, right? But some of these guys are like, they're so, like you're like, dude, you're walking around at like a healthy 310. Well, I think some of them honestly are probably a bit big on purpose too, like linemen, right? Right, definitely. They feed them. Yeah, you want to be a giant. You want to be a giant monster.

Yeah, you don't want to be shredded. No, no, no. You want to just be giant monster. You don't want to be shredded. You want to just be smashing into people. I think. What the fuck do I know? I know almost nothing about football. You're totally right. People say football players' names and I have to nod like a person from another country.

Like if someone's speaking to me in another language, like, yeah, I don't know what you're saying. Yeah. I feel like that about a bunch of sports though, too. I'm like, I got you. Oh, yeah, man. But you know, I wear hats a lot hats a lot especially i travel i just like having a hat on a plane pull over and i have like 10 different teams and guys will bore and they're like did you see douglas last night i'm like what and they're like the game and i realize it's the hat and i'm like i missed it and he's like fuck shut him out i'm like fucking killer man you don't even know who that guy is no i have no idea what you guy is. No, I have no idea who he's talking about.

Yeah. Yeah, I have no idea who he's talking about. Well, now there's so many UFC fighters. There's like 500 UFC fighters. Occasionally, like, I got to look people up. Sure. Someone will mention someone. I'm like, who did he fight?

And they'll fight, he fought that guy. I'm like, when? And they're like, four fight nights ago. My undercard, when was my undercard? Oh, really? Yeah, I'll have to put it in my... It's gotten super big. Too many fights.

You can't keep up. How massive has it gotten? Just in the time that I've known or been to UFC stuff, the fight game has exploded in popularity. It seems like it all took off from this one fight in 2005 between Stefan Bonner and Forrest Griffin. That was like the big one because it was the end of this, the final of this first reality show, The Ultimate Fighter. Oh, right. This crazy fight in the finals.

These guys knew each other real well and they actually liked each other a lot, but they fucking went at it. They just both went at it. It changed the game. Both guys fought Anderson Silva, too. Oh, wow. Later in their career. They both got fucked up. Yeah.

It was when Anderson was just a Jedi knight. Yeah. He was just doing shit to people inside the octagon. We were like, oh, Jesus. How was that one fight with him? Which one? I think it's, was it the Weidman one? Oh, when he broke his leg? Or when he got knocked out? I think when he got knocked out. I think that was that, that one fight with him? Which one? I think it's, was it the Weidman one? Oh, when he broke his leg?

Or when he got knocked out? I think when he got knocked out. I think I was at that. Probably. You've been to a ton of them. I've been to a bunch of them now. Yeah. That one was crazy because he was winning that fight.

If I didn't go to that one, I definitely saw, I've seen both of those guys fight at fights. So I can't remember if I saw that fight or not. Weidman was pressing him, but Anderson was kicking him a lot in the legs. Yeah. And I was looking, I was like, ooh, like he's kicking his legs a lot. And he did a lot of taunting, like crazy taunting. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But you know what? Weidman did something really slick. He did something really slick. It was really interesting. He threw a back fist. He threw a punch, and then he threw a back fist. Because Anderson was going, he was bobbing and weaving and bobbing and weaving and moving away from him. So he figures if the right's coming, then the left's coming.

So he throws a punch, misses, and then throws a back fist, which makes Anderson have to go that way. So then when he starts going that way, the other way, bang, he catches him with a left hook. It's a beautiful combination. It's a beautiful combination with a guy who moves his head a lot because you force him because you're not just throwing one in that direction you're throwing a second one that so he's going that way yeah which is like when you throw a left hook yeah he's going that way so he's already going the way to avoid the left hook he's got to come back and when he comes when he comes back boom yeah he catches him perfect he was like it's brilliant beautiful time it's the setup before the fucking blow too well he looked a And when he comes back, boom, he catches him perfect. It was brilliant.

Beautiful timing. It was the setup before the fucking blow, too. Well, he looked a little slower than Anderson, so he was having a hard time catching him. And Anderson was staying on the outside and kicking his legs a lot. But they had collided in the first round, and he took Anderson down and wrapped one of his legs up and had him pretty tight. It looked like he might be getting a leg lock or attempting a leg lock,

and Anderson got out of it. Isn't that fight too we're at the after the fight where Weidman was like make your decision now you're either on board or you're not I think there was no that was another fight that was another fight yeah I think that was um that was after Vitor I think after he beat up Vitor he's like pick your yeah i was like get on board i was like damn chris you've had up to now to decide pretty good yeah you know he's an interesting guy he takes a loss like a fucking champ i'll tell you that he lost to yoel romero by knockout then he was sitting on the uh dais answering questions later with his eye all stitched up yeah you know i mean he's uh he's mean? He's a stud.

You know what fight I was at? That's hard to do, man. Oh, I bet, man. Get KO'd and then just answer questions with stitches over your eye and you're talking to press people. Oh, I've seen some guys real fucked up. Perfect composure, though. You handled it perfectly. I was at that Gustafson-John Jones fight where they, I think they both went to the hospital.

It was brutal. Damn. Brutal, brutal fight. It was a decision fight, I think. Yeah. Yeah, and then it was like, they just massacred each other. You know, they just beat the shit out of each other. That was a crazy fight.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a fight where John was talking about it when he was on the podcast. He was talking about how much he partied. After that? Before the fight. Oh, before the fight. Yeah when he was on the podcast. He was talking about how much he partied. After that? Before the fight. Oh, before that. Yeah, he was partying a lot.

Wow. Yeah, it was an incredible fight. I just remember how bloodied those guys were. Yeah, it was a rough fight. And Gustafson shocked a lot of people. Yeah, that's the crowd. You could feel the crowd swell. What I always call MMA, this is the phrase I use all the time,

so maybe it'll start getting annoying too. It's like extreme problem solving with dire physical consequences. That's why it's plus shit talking. Right. Throw in that too. High stakes, talking shit. Yeah, high stakes. There's an emotions battle, whether or not you can keep your emotions,

how well you handle pressure. It's giant. That's the thing about Conor McGregor. More than anything. Like, nah, we shouldn't say more than anything. It's one of many things about him that's pretty interesting. But one of the most interesting things about him is he handles pressure like nobody I've ever seen. Yeah.

Like when he fought Aldo for the title, he didn't even look remotely nervous. He was super relaxed, super calm. remotely nervous he was super relaxed super calm well then you start to think though that you go how much of what you're seeing is how pressure is manifested through that guy you know i mean like for instance the press conference kind of antics you're like is that is that genuine is that an act is that how he handles the pressure of this high pressure situation by doing a fucking you know bang bang show at the right so like it but i personally i find the guy which is i think what you want why someone becomes a star uh endlessly entertaining on top of being good so i you know i'm tuning in too i want to see the fucking show he's the best shit talker of all time

i don't know i've said that before about other people. Before that, I said Chael Sonnen was the best shit talker of all time. And I think he was for a while. But I think Conor tops him. And also as well, Conor has an additional significance to his shit talking because he knocks people dead. Right. It's a totally different thing. And Chael Sonnen, not that he's not a fucking animal because chael sonnen's an animal and he's he's he submitted shogun who uh chael sonnen's a very

solid grappler sure came very close to beating anderson silva in their first fight so he's a stud but what connor does differently is he ices guys with one punch and that's a big factor in a fight when you're watching him and he fights eddie alvarez and all of a sudden he dings him with a left hand and catches him and rocks him early on. You go, holy shit. And you realize he's fighting a guy now at 155 pounds and Eddie Alvarez is a big 155. He's a big guy, a big muscular guy. The idea is he's going to be able to wrestle Conor. He's going to be able to grab him and grind him out the same way he did with Anthony Pettis.

Nope. Nope. Dealing with a totally different animal. Conor's just got a totally different kind of focus as far as like the way he zooms in on targets. Yeah. And his precision, it's just speed. He's just dropping it in there with 100% speed. Like that's a big part of what he's doing.

He's not loading up at all. Yeah. And the ability to stay, like when you load up, say like if you see someone coming at you and you just go, like all that's wasted time. All that's wasted time. What Conor has is the ability to be perfectly technical in a firefight. So like Aldo's charging at him. This is like 13 seconds into the fight. Aldo's charging at him.

And he knows how to just slide back and blAM! Drops that left hand in on him. Is the striking the strongest part of his? Yes, for sure. His ground game is underrated. He's very good on the ground. He's very good defensively. He's got good sweeps. He sweeped Nate Diaz in their first fight. People forget that. He's the kind of guy, how much would you love to watch before he was a professional?

I did watch him. Well, not before he was a professional. I'm saying bar fights, though. You know he's been in some definite scraps in bars before. I don't even think you're allowed to get 18 in Ireland if you haven't been in a bar fight yet. Yeah, man. We're going out tonight, lad. Put a pop on your cherry. That's probably the worst accent ever.

Probably. Right up there. But I saw him fight in, I guess he was fighting in Cage Warriors. I tweeted to him in like 2013 before uh he came to the ufc i said i'm a big fan man yeah i want you to come over and did he yeah i mean like right after that um the uh ufc and him totally uh coincidentally i didn't call i mean i definitely probably told anybody listen to me about him yeah because I had seen him fight before. I'm like, this kid eyes his people. His left hand is just devastating.

And he's got a crazy style. He fights in his wide stance, and he moves different, and he cracks guys. I'm like, this kid's legit. I'd like to see him in the UFC. I never asked you. Ha ha, there it is. Yeah, that's January of 2013.

So it was almost four years ago. Did you think of, I never talked to you about, what did you think of all the talks of him, Floyd Mayweather fight? He'll fight him. I guarantee you he would fight him. What kind of match do you think that would be? Well, he's a lot bigger than Floyd, first of all. Let's just emphasize that. He's a lot bigger.

So it would be a real problem as far as weight cutting. Because if they let Conor fight it wherever he wants, Conor's going to weigh somewhere around 170 pounds. That's where he's at his best, his optimum with no weight cutting. I don't think Floyd's that big. I think Floyd, I guarantee you he's probably not more than 160. Do you think Floyd's bigger than 160 in real life small dude yeah short doesn't mean wait but he's

small what wait did he begin his career at Floyd Bay with her so I mean I'm a huge Floyd Bay with her fan and I think bad when it comes to boxing I think he's like one of the most skillful boxers that's ever lived. I really do. Technically. If not the most. Let's say about 150. 150. But that's probably what he last fought at. Didn't he make, when he fought Canelo, didn't he make him come down a bit?

He made him come down to like 154 or something like that? That sounds right. Something like that? That sounds right. They had some sort of a catch weight fight, I remember. And Canelo's fighting at what? He's fighting at 160 now? Something like that. That sounds right. They had some sort of a catchweight fight, I remember. Huh. And Canelo's fighting at what? He's fighting at 160 now?

He's definitely bigger. Or is he fighting at 154? Gennady Golovkin is 160, right? Is that the holdup is the two of them? Because I feel like Canelo's been fighting middleweight too. Like he fought Cotto. What was that at? Wasn't that at middleweight?

Or 154? Alvarez catchweight, 152. 152, okay. Yeah, so he made Canelo lose some weight. Because Canelo's a lot bigger than him. Yeah. So Canelo probably walks around maybe 20 pounds heavier than that. That's a bad motherfucker, too.

Ooh, he's good. Yeah. And Floyd Mayweather just boxed him up. Yeah. What? I'm not there. I'm here. Plop. Oh, look at that. Just beautiful. a bad motherfucker too he's good yeah and floyd mayweather just boxed him up yeah what that's there i'm here plop oh look at that just beautiful right that's the thing you have to wonder um could uh is is like would connor's skills just technical skills match up to somebody like the counter counter defense i can't imagine they would unless Mayweather's so out of shape.

Yeah. Him, I'm saying on top of his game. Him on top of his game, you're not going to hit him. He's going to, I mean, you have to be really top level to catch him. It's so nuts that that dude is so fast that he boxes, like something that no boxers do, with his lead hand down. Yeah. Not even hip level mid thigh yeah sometimes well it's because that forces his shoulder over it's actually an easier way to block a lot of things if you're skillful with it you got a shoulder roll quick yeah you gotta be it's not

just quick and he's definitely quick he's very quick quick. But what Floyd has over almost anyone else, he's got this incredible knowledge of what you're going to do before you do it. He knows so much about boxing, about boxing as a science from his brother, or his father, rather, and his uncle. His uncle, yeah. His uncle's Roger Mayweather, who's a black mamba,

who's an all-time fucking exciting guy to watch in the 80s and 90s. He would starch people man dude him on those hbo shows they've never had a better comedy than roger mayweather moments it's the greatest oh you mean in between corners no when they used to do the oh those 24 sevens yes 24 seven he would fucking massacre those like the funniest shit I've ever seen. And they edited him so fucking funny. One of those fights, they were fighting, maybe

it was Alvarez or somebody, and Alvarez was like, we gotta prepare for Floyd. I'm gonna watch his fights. And I was just, I know I'm just gonna have the fight of my life on my hands. And then they cut to Roy, or to Roger Mayweather, and he goes, who the fuck is Alvarez? And they just cut out. Like, he Mayweather. He goes, who the fuck is Alvarez?

And then they cut out. Like he's like, he was pretending he doesn't even know who the guy is. But that really was, you know, that that was a big part of the preparation for, I don't know if it in the end it was, but for a long time when they would go like, how are you preparing for this fighter? His, his answer and their legit answer was like, they have to prepare for this shit. Right. Yeah. We're not preparing for anything. He better prepare a lot, you know?

And that's how they would approach it. Like, we're not studying you. You need to study this shit right now because it's going to be bad what happens to you. That's a good point. Yeah. That's a good point. You know, Floyd's an interesting guy. He's had his hands broken a bunch of times.

Yeah. His hands. There's been rumors about fights that he must have had a broken hand in Oh, he has had hands that were broken and he still boxed That what does that feel like? Got a winner's mentality You know you can talk all the shit you want about that guy cuz it's fun to talk shit about him because you've created this Persona the absurd Mayweather. Yeah, It's brilliant. It's a brilliant thing. What he did is brilliant. He created someone to hate,

but he's so talented you can't beat him. And you're buying that pay-per-view, which is exactly what he wants. Oh my God, you're hoping,

Canelo, please Canelo. They're hoping Canelo can catch him. They're hoping Pacquiao can catch him. Everyone, yeah,

you're right. He created the villain. Keep going down the line. Every fucking guy he's foughtiao could catch him. Everyone. Yeah, you're right. It's the guy that he created. The villain. Keep going down the line. Every fucking guy he's fought, please catch him. Maybe, you know, you saw what Juan Manuel Marquez, he had a tough fight with Pacquiao. Shuts him down. And then he'd be like, I got 100 watches, man.

Shuts them all down. People, like, they really fucking, I don't hate at all. I think that it's, sometimes that persona can just get kind of boring. It's fun. It's fun. Smart. I'm like, all right, man. Just I'm saying, like, Instagram, he's like, look at all this money on my bed.

And he'll be like, you know what I'm going to do tonight? I'm going to count it. And then it's just hilarious. It's funny. It's entertaining. But it is like one note. He used to hold, like, bricks of money up to his ear like a phone. Pretend he's talking on the money. It's funny. It's entertaining. But it is like one note. He used to hold like bricks of money up to his ear like a phone. Pretend he's talking on the money.

Hilarious. Cars. Ridiculous. 50 cars. They're all white too. Yeah. He's got like Bugattis and shit. He's like this one they made three of it.

Jesus Christ. Oh my goodness. What is that? $100 million that he got? Yeah. From what? It was his purse from one of his fights. He was a promoter. Oh my God. What is that? $100 million that he got? Yeah. From what? It was his purse from one of his fights. He was a promoter.

Oh, my God. That is so insane. He made $100 million. Yeah. This is where hippies start going crazy about income inequality. There's the sense. Look at this. He goes, this is just one of my many checks.

Gotta love these backseat drivers. So worried about, hey's go where you going yeah another gotta love these backseat drivers so worried about another man's legacy instead of trying to write their own ultimately i will always have the last laugh this is just one of many checks a cool 100 million dollars that i still have every dime of. Y'all still have to work, however. I'm happily retired. At the end of the day, it's them Benjamin Franklins that matter to me.

So the joke's on you. I've made smart investments. Sorry for those who thought that I couldn't read, write, or count. Here we go. Y'all call them watches. I call them timepieces. Y'all call them boats.

I call them yachts. Y'all call them houses. I call them mansions. What does that mean? Y'all charter jets and we own jets. The money team. There you go. Yeah, I got it. I think he's rich. I think he definitely has money. I think so. He's made a lot of fucking money. That's for god damn sure.

He's excellent at what he does, for sure, across the board. Yeah. I mean, there's no doubt about it. Yeah. But he's also, it's funny. And we left out that he's excellent at what he does for sure across the board yeah I mean there's no doubt about it but he's also and we left out it's funny he's 49-0 yeah 49-0

and he's the only guy he hasn't broken Rocky Marciano's record yet right he's tied it which is really interesting like I wonder if that's on purpose I wonder if he doesn't

want to break it well I think he doesn't want people talking shit about him the pressure of it of it going away is the pressure of it of the of it going away is the thing that happens like as the older you get like he you know i mean this is

this is a good boxing retirement age for him and it's like do you want to do 50 yes well it's got to be a meaningful 50 you can't write some scrub for 50 and then you start to think about oh fuck like yeah if he's going to fight pacquiao again, I wonder what kind of, I'm sort of out of the loop. I wonder what kind of numbers Pacquiao gets on his fights now. I feel like a lot of people are watching. I'm sure he still does pretty well. But he just fought. He did just fight, yeah.

I didn't hear any peep about it. Yeah, but who was he fighting then? Maybe that's why. Yeah. He still does. I mean, it's got to be significant numbers still. Yeah, he must, right? Yeah. So that's still a big worthwhile fight. Oh, yeah. He's got. I mean, it's got to be significant numbers still. Yeah, he must, right? Yeah.

So that's still a big worthwhile fight. Oh, yeah. He's got a big bankroll. I mean, payroll. Like, apparently. Look at this. Pacquiao-Vargas fight surpassed 300,000 pay-per-view buys. Is Pacquiao Mayweather 2 possible?

That's decent. Those are decent pay-per-view buys, 300,000. That's pretty good. What do the big fights, the big MMA fights get? The big ones are over a million. Oh, really? I think probably the UFC. I don't know if it's been released yet. What UFC 200 got or UFC 205. Either one of those.

Madison Square Garden was a pretty fucking substantial card. Yeah. I would imagine the numbers of that would have been insane. And it was a Conor McGregor card. I would have to think that that's the biggest card ever. Ever? In terms of pay-per-view buys.

Yeah. I would imagine. But I could be wrong because a 200 had Brock Lesnar in it. Ooh, yeah. You know? That's right. And that ended badly

a few days later, too, right? Wasn't there a couple of things? It wasn't badly, bro. It was just... Something got in his fruit punch, bro. I? It wasn't badly, bro. It was just steroids. Something got in his fruit punch, bro. I drink a lot of fruit, bro. Yeah, you never know, man.

Tainting supplements. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. Sure. Can a guy get that big without some help? I don't know. I do not know. I do not know.

But I know those GNC stores, they do really well. They sell a lot of stuff. Yeah. You can they do really well. They sell a lot of stuff. Yeah. You can go to those places. They sell a lot of stuff, man. Any of those bodybuilding supplement stores, you know, there's a lot of stuff that works. Like there's a reason why people buy that stuff. But some of it has fucking steroids in it.

And that's why it's working. And they legit get away with that, huh? Well, they just don't tell you what it is. It's weird, man. Like 15 years ago, one of the first big, I forget the product name or I would say it. It was like the big, like everyone does this to work out and to lose weight. I forget. It's like I had a big commercial. It was a successful name for the product.

And then people just started to drop, you know, like people would die. And when it became like- How many years ago are you talking about? I think it's about 15 to 20. So you're talking about rip fuel? One of those. Ephedamine, right? Right.

Or ephedrine, rather. Ephedrine, yeah. And then people were, I remember I was taking them 20 some years ago. I thought you were going to say 20 a day. No. I almost fell out of tech. But then somebody's like, oh, you're basically, you're taking speed. And you're like, oh.

And it took a while to process that that really was one of the key components of what you were taking. Like, you're taking drugs right now, man. You're taking speed, son. Yeah, you're taking speed. And you could feel yourself get geeked out, you know? Yeah. Heart racing. I took a couple of those and went to jujitsu class once when I was like a white belt.

And I almost had a fucking heart attack. Yeah. The heart racing. Like, oh my God, I had to stop. I had to sit down. I was like, what did I do? Yeah. So I was young.

I was just starting in jujitsu and it wasn't like, I mean, I knew what it felt like to roll, but I, you know, when you, when you take those, I was like, I knew something was like totally wrong. Yeah. It's like, I had been exhausted before. I know what that felt wrong. Yeah. I had been exhausted before. I know what that felt like. Yeah. I got exhausted way too quick.

My heart was about to explode in my fucking chest. I was like, holy shit, I got to sit down. Yeah. Even being whatever I was, 30 or whatever, 29 or something like that, I still was smart enough to realize this is a stupid idea and I got to sit down. Yeah. Because back then I was really dumb.

I took him before a high school football game. Yeah. But the thing is that we had the conversation before. They're like, you're going to fuck people up because of this. So you have the illusion of what's going on. Well, maybe that would work, though, with football, because football is not something you would do where you struggle for long periods of time. Right.

It's like five sets of plays. Jiu-jitsu gets super exhausting. Sure. Because, like, say if you have sparring rounds, they might be seven minutes long. Sometimes people do nine minutes. Yeah, that sounds really weird. Seven minutes was pretty standard.

And so we would set a timer for seven minutes, and then you're basically just going at it with someone who is probably pretty fucking skillful. Yeah. You feel like you're you're basically just going at it with someone who is probably pretty fucking skillful yeah you know you're gonna die yeah you feel like like i felt like my heart was literally gonna explode like something's wrong right like it was like dude we're going way too fast right now for no fucking reason yeah and like man i gotta sit down and then my heart wouldn't stop it wouldn't slow down yeah it wouldn't like normally when you work out you have like say if you run up a hill and you put your fingers on your pulse and you can sit there and in a few seconds you feel them

start to drop and you look down at your watch and when you get to like 140 ish you can just start sprinting again right that's what most people like to do when you're doing like interval workouts i knew i was way over that and i wasn't coming down i was like this is not slowing down like this is this is fucked and you knew it's what you took i knew i took a bunch i'm i'm gonna i'm a fucking retard yeah i'm i'm a such an extremist if it says like take two i'm like that's two for pussies so i'll take four yeah especially that i was so stupid yeah man because you know yeah well it was like through like doing the competitive martial arts thing when i was young made me like this intense extremist. Sure.

Like, okay, everybody's running two miles. I'm running five. You know, everybody's doing this. I'm doing more. Is that how you do it? Yeah, I do. There's no other way. Fuck.

If you want to beat people, you have to work harder than them. Sure. You can't just rely on what? You're smarter than them? How do you know you're smarter than them? They're probably pretty fucking smart. Right. What are you, tougher than them? They're tough.

They're all fucking black belts. They're tough. Don't be stupid. My thought was, don't think so highly of yourself that you don't have to outwork everybody. Wow, that's good, man. There's no other way. That's a good philosophy. And you can't take days off.

Days off if you're hurt or if you're sore, but you can't fuck off. Fucking off is bad for your brain it's fuck yeah like if you have uh if you're you're like competing or you're trying to go for something like physically yeah fucking the problem with fucking off is that it messes with your momentum it's not just that it messes with your skills because sometimes you legitimately go you know what my body needs a break yeah but you know your body needs a break so you make a conscious decision but when you're supposed to work out you know you should work out and you fuck off you just like your opinion of yourself slips exactly yeah it has it has an effect that

goes out beyond just that workout yeah it fucks with your confidence because it fucks with your conviction it's why taking care of of little things can bleed into taking care of more you know i mean like when you like pick up and clean up your room you know or your car yeah you're like now i feel good about the way this looks that translate i'm gonna go work out today and i'm gonna write and i'm gonna do like those things kind of line up together yeah musashi had some quote about that that i just uh screensotted the other day, like a 15-year-old girl. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's me.

I'm one of those screenshot guys. You know, if you like read, here it is. Yeah. Because it's just so interesting. The approach to combat and everyday life should be the same. Oh. That's a, yeah. The approach to combat and everyday life should be the same

that's intense yeah it was a little too intense I have a real interesting one on my Instagram I don't know if you can pull it up is that the guy who touched a girl for the first time that video no but it is a lady with the holiday one but it's interesting you know yeah yeah who is that guy that touched a girl did you get permission to put him on your... No. No. I should probably take down that one that you made me put up. The Christmas one?

Yeah. That one's pretty interesting. The one where the girl... The one that you... Oh, when you ho-ho-ho it up for Xmas? But I mean, it's interesting. Watch it. Okay.

Okay. What are you doing to me? Shut this off. Shut this off. What is wrong with you, Todd? You and your wife, first of all, you're both fucking hilarious. But you guys are both so specific. You guys have the funniest, silliest fucking show. Because you're both so specific. Yeah. You guys have the funniest, silliest fucking show because you're both so specific.

Thanks, yeah. Like the things that you just decide, like you're wearing a shirt. Tom's wearing a shirt that says just glassing on it. I'm just glassing, bro. Now, glassing is a term that like hunters use when they get up on a ridge and they look for things. So when I saw that, I was like, well, that's weird. Like what did you, maybe you bought that at some convenience store when you were in Alaska. Right.

Or something like that. Yeah. This would be a silly gimmicky shirt to it but no this is a shirt like from your fucking podcast it is yeah it's tell the story because it's so silly every week we get submitted hundreds of emails with links to videos like that right like i mean so many emails have you seen this have you seen this? Have you seen this? And the internet's this endless pool of stuff to pull from. And then we have this, our producer, Blue Band. I don't know if you know that. That's our producer's name. Blue Band?

Yeah, because it used to be Red Band. There was a yellow band for a while. And now there's Blue Band. So Blue Band then will go through a lot of this stuff and edit down, let's say, like a five-minute YouTube video into like maybe six 10 to 15-second clips. And so we're just always looking at stuff. And it's, you know, we like a range of things are engaging to us. Well, we got this hunter.

His name is Fred Eichler, I think. Yeah. And he's an avid bow hunter. He hunts with a traditional bow, like a recurve bow. That's right. One of the most prominent recurve bow hunters. Yeah. It's either a recurve bow or it might be a stick bow.

What is the difference between a recurve bow versus like what you... Power. Power? Accuracy. Efficiency. Technology. Yours is more modern. Yeah. But in his side, feel.

There's like a feel. And if you get really good with one of those things, it becomes apparently very addicted to shoot. Because people who like recurves, they like shooting at targets, it's an instinctive thing. Okay. So you have to shoot a bunch of arrows to kind of know where the arrow is going. And you shoot differently, too, because you don't really hold it very long. You kind of draw it back, and then they let it go pretty quickly. Sure.

Whereas a compound bow, the whole idea of a compound bow is there's an extreme amount of force that's exhibited in the beginning, or it's expressed through these cams and through the limbs. But then as a cam turns over, it gets easier because of leverage. So I don't understand it. So the resistance starts when you kind of start. The beginning, there's massive resistance, and then there's a big let-off at the end.

So, like, my bow takes 84 pounds to pull back, but at the end of it, it's easy to hold. And what's the difference? His would go hard the whole way? His is hard the whole way. The whole way. However hard it is, it's hard the whole way. And actually, it's more difficult as you pull back instead of less difficult.

Wow. So it's the opposite of a compound bow. So the compound bow, it's difficult to pull in the beginning, and then the cams settle in. Oops. The cams settle in. It's beautiful. You can just hold it there. Like if you're waiting on something, you can hold it there.

But it's just super hard to hold one of those stick bows. Because you're pulling like really, the end of it is as hard as you can get it you know and it's basically it pulls back and forth depending upon like how much pressure you put on it you can pull it more if you're stronger yeah or if you're weaker you can only get to a certain point sounds like it's a train to shoot with this thing well it depends on no most of the time no because most of them are fairly weak but like um you can make them like really powerful. You can make them as, I mean, if you had a recurve bow in particular, like the Mongols, apparently according to Dan Carlin, that hardcore history guy.

Yeah. Who's awesome. Uh, he said their bows were 160 pounds to pull back. Whoa. Which is crazy. Yeah. I mean, it's like doing, that's,'s that's so like it's what you're essentially doing is you're doing like an 80 pound push and an 80 pound pull that's at the same time it's a lot

yeah to be able to do that a lot of times in a row yeah it's way harder than doing that with a compound bow because a compound bow is just a little difficult and then easy and this is what who would have these 160 pound ones the mongols did the mongol this is you know 1200s somewhere around then they that was technology back then because they figured out what a recurve bow is this crazy bow that uh the way it's designed if you see a recurve bow that's not strong it doesn't even look like it would work yeah like have you ever seen what what they look like i saw it in this guy's video yeah yeah this f Fred Eichler guy probably, I don't even think he had a recurve bow. On this hunt? No.

I think he shoots with what they call a stick bow, which is the most primitive kind. I think I read in his bio, recurve. Could be a recurve. I bet he's got a bunch of different ones. Yeah. Hoyt Buffalo bow recurve. Is that what he shoots? I think so, yeah.

With? Okay. See if you can show a picture of one without the string. Because they're so weird looking or you know what just see if you could find a picture of the Mongol bows Because those are the first ones I think somewhere in that time of the of the world Was the first ones when people had figured out how to make a recurve bow? See that's what the top was what looks like without the string And it's gonna go back to the shape

where you see on the bottom. Right. In the same position. See where it is? So it's totally bent the other way. So because of that, it stores up all this extra energy. Because you're pulling so far back and it has this tremendous snapping effect when you let go of the string. It's pretty dope.

I mean, they're incredibly smart for figuring this out. And then to make them unbelievably tough. See, that's what it looks like unstrung. And make them so tough that you can pull it all the way back the other way. Like, they had to figure this shit out. They had to use a bunch of different materials. That comes out with.

Incredible force. Yeah. And that's still not as fast as probably a modern-day compound bow. Yeah. And also not that consistent because they didn't have scales so like their arrows yeah the arrows were all probably very inconsistent yeah because like you're making your own broadheads some of them might be a little heavier than others it's not a factory mass producing them yeah now they're making arrows that are like aluminum and carbon fiber cores,

and they have like a very, like, you know, you buy these arrows from like Easton or one of like the top-level companies that make arrows. They have like the super high tolerance levels for like each one of the arrows that leaves their factory. They're super straight.

Like spin them and shit and make sure that everything's good. Yeah, no, it's a totally, it's incredible how that technology evolved. Yeah yeah so there's a lot of these guys like this guy you're talking about the glassing guy he still uses like one of those primitive bows but he's just so good he can get away with it it says i mean this bio is incredible but in this video it starts with him uh he he shoots a moose and it drops quick and he fucking

comes close to coming in his pants he makes a sound that you don't even he goes can you show it to us? are you allowed to play it online? did you get pulled from anything? no

and we also play the audio is what's incredible but then he starts talking about glassing and he's like we were just coming around the meadow we were just glassing glass and then we were like let's glass let's glass and he goes keeps going glass glass glass glass and glass which is looking through binoculars which we discovered but then we played it so much people like i would post a picture of myself like i'm about to go on stage and they're like are you glassing and like or you know like if you talk to somebody like what'd you do today like oh i hung out and they're like glassing and you're

like yeah so then it morphed into meaning like just chilling yeah and i don't know it just kind of it picked up from there you guys have so many of these though i always have to ask you okay what's the deal with jeans yeah i know it's so stupid calling everybody jeans like when you guys were on that and you had to explain it to me yeah do you know what the latest thing is with that first we had an electrician over at the house and whenever you're in the house you know you're called your spouse i'd be like jeans do you know because that's what i call her so then she walked down the stairs and he goes jean would you like me to put the uh so he and we just let it go we called her jeans but then we started um going to starbucks and ordering our

drinks this is just like a stupid thing like that we told our listeners we do we do this regularly just to amuse ourselves which is we'll call them jeans and then say thank you mommy or i love you mommy at the end and no one ever the order happens so fast and it's so like programmed that they never catch they never say like what did you say so like when i when i pull up like welcome to starbucks uh what can i get for you i'll be like uh hey jeans i want to get an uh iced coffee uh extra ice and what do you want a double tall sorrel latte. Okay, that'll be $6.70. I'm like, thanks, Mommy.

And then I just pull up. So we told them we did that. People sent us videos of them doing it. Fucking hilarious. Like a guy, like, getting his, he was talking to a bill play place, and he's like, hey, Mommy, I don't understand what this bill means. And the other guy's like, yeah, so that first section, like they don't even address that you're calling someone mommy or jeans or saying thank you, mommy, or I love you, mommy.

Like, okay, have a good day. Like they just, it speaks more to almost how pre-programmed customer service becomes, you know. Yeah. They're not even acknowledging that you're saying something ridiculous to them. No. No, they're not. It's hilarious. Yeah.

But also, like, what do you say when someone says something like that to you? You're probably like, you're so scrambled. I think so, yeah. Because it doesn't make any sense. You're like, what? It started off not making any sense, but then it picked up and made a lot of sense. It's like, well, clearly you can talk English. Right.

And then it gets to the end, it calls you mommy. And you're like, whoa, what happened? One time we called the Renaissance in Cincinnati. The hotel? The hotel. What happened? One time we called the Renaissance in Cincinnati. The hotel?

The hotel. The hotel. Because the year before, a few months before my son was born, we were there for a wedding. And Christina had like a 30-second fart. So she was very pregnant. We came back and we talked about it. And we decided it deserved its own name. So it's called the Cincinnati Fart. Oh, Jesus.

And we figured out what room number we were in. And we called it deserved its own name. So it's called the Cincinnati Fart. Oh, Jesus. And we figured out what room number we were in. And we called the hotel. And I go, can I help you? I go, I want a book. I want to stay there. But I want to commemorate the Cincinnati Fart. And she goes, I'm sorry. What was that?

And I go, I want to stay in this room. I think it's room 618 because the Cincinnati Fart happened there. And she goes, I'm just having what was that? And I go, I want to stay in this room. I think it's room 618 because the Cincinnati fart happened there. And she goes, I'm just having a little trouble. What was that? The what? And I'm like, the Cincinnati fart? And she's like, can you spell it for me? And I go, yeah, F-A-R-T.

And she stayed professional. She was like, oh, okay. I'll see what I can do. She has to. Yeah. She didn't. You probably have cameras on you Renaissance yeah, you can't go what the fuck are you talking about?

Well, I did have a Flooring guy I go can you? Do this floor for me, and he's like I can send you some samples, and I go great He goes who do I send it to I go? It's your mom's house and he was like what was that and I go your mom's house he goes my mom's house I go no that's the name of our our company your mom's house and I go yeah he was like all right you have a good day and he hung up the phone and I go okay like I was I wasn't trying to for him it was a totally normal I wasn't trying to be funny I go that's the name of the company he didn't want want to listen. He was like, okay, okay, you have a good day.

Wow. Yeah, okay. Did you try, you let him hang though. You should have said, it's actually the name of a podcast we have. It's called Your Mom's House. We tried to explain it, but he was. You can go look it up on iTunes. It's very popular.

He was pretty quick with like, this is a joke. And I go, oh, okay. He grew up with a lot of your mom jokes. Yeah, he did. He's not buying it. Not buying it. Seems like a guy that just didn't get it. Can you play, Fred?

Will you play his audio? The Glasson guy? Yeah. Do you have it on your thing? Oh, it's on YouTube. Okay, what is the name of the video? It's called... See how it's saved on his phone?

I'll tell you. Give me one moment. Tom Segura at the Ice House tonight. Sold out. I'm doing Don Marrera's show tonight. And you're at the Ice House.

At the Laugh Factory. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yeah. With Duncan Trussell and Tony Hinchcliffe. Do do do. Got a couple of

ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. This one moves down in 20 seconds. This should be it. Okay. Crank it up. Okay. That looks like a compound bow. Really?

Yeah, let me see. Couldn't tell, it was moving really quick. Yeah, that's a compound bow. See the cams at the top of the bow? That's not a primitive bow at all. That's a super modern bow. I think... But this dude knows how to do this. Oh, yeah, he's a professional bow hunter. I've seen this. I think... But this dude knows

how to do this. Oh, yeah. He's a professional bow hunter. I've seen this guy on TV a ton of times. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a TV show

that I watch. Dude, if you go over to my house, you'd think I'm a crazy person. You'd change your profile pic. Yeah, it's a silly picture

of me with a camera on my face hiding in the trees. I'm trying to make sure this is the right video. I'm looking When does it get good that's what I'm it's our tree is this it our tree is down Here we go, okay, it's about to get good. So you get the full shot. Oh, yes! Wait.

It's a countdown to getting real funny. I just smoked her. She's gonna go down. Watch her. Watch her. She's gonna go down. I put a muzzy right through her lungs. Jesus.

I know. It's intense. I don't like this part. No way. Yes! Have you ever seen a moose go down that quick? No. Holy cow! Holy cow is right.

That is awesome. We got out here early morning. Look at the meadow. This is why we came up here. We've been slipping along this big, huge meadow. Big, long, tall meadow. We've been slipping along here, just glassing, just glassing, glassing, and all of a sudden,

literally, I didn't even put my head net on. I'm like, ah, we're just glassing these big, huge meadows. Let's just keep going. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I'm glassing. I'm like, holy smokes.

I got a moose. I got a moose. And I'm like, oh man, it's a bull. It's a bull. And I'm like, no, it's a cow. We got a cow right there. That was unbelievable. We came right around this tree.

She was. Is a cow more significant than a bull? No. No. Unless he only had a... Is a cow more significant than a bull? No. No, unless he only had a tag for a cow. Oh. Depends on why he shot a cow, not a bull. Sometimes it depends on the unit. Depends on how many cows they have versus how many bulls they have.

They might want people to kill cows. They probably want a certain amount of cows to be killed a year. They have weird... Who decides that? Yeah, it's Fish and Game Department. They go, we have too many of those. Depends entirely on where you are. Depends entirely on what part of the world you're in.

And then do you report it? Yep. You tag an animal. Say if you shoot a moose. That's a moose. This one I shot in British Columbia. Really? Yeah.

And you have a tag, and you take that. You have to pay for it, and they allot a certain amount of them. Some places they have what's called over-the-counter, which means it's just kind of open to anybody who wants to pay for the hunting fee and pay for the tag fee to some species, like particular pigs. What did you shoot that with? That was with a rifle. Really?

Yep. Were you glassing before? We did a little glassing. No, that was like four solid days of hunting with no luck, and then we were literally driving down this road, and off the side of the road, 70 yards away, was a moose. It was so crazy. It happened so fast.

We stopped the truck. The moose looked up. He didn't know what we were. I put a shell. I put a bullet in the chamber. Pushed the bolt in. Took the safety off. Centered him.

I'm like, do I have time to lean against anything? I didn't have time to lean against anything. I just held it up freehand. Because he was only about 65, 70 yards away. He was really close. It was so close. I knew I could make the shot. And boom. Boom. And then down immediately? He was really close. It was so close, I knew I could make the shot. And boom.

Boom. And then down immediately? Yeah, he was down immediately. Wow. It's a weird feeling, man. It's a weird feeling. Yeah, like, I'll be honest. I don't do what that guy does, but part of you gets pumped,

part of you gets excited, but I don't act like that guy. That guy seems a little theatrical. But, I mean, that's just, I'm not him personally. But for him, maybe that's just how he reacts. That's how he reacts. He was very excited. Yeah. Very excited.

Which I understand. It's not easy to do, especially with a bow and arrow. It's very difficult to do. I will say, I do feel this thing where I'm not an anti-hunting guy at all. But like, man, it's hard to watch the animal fall apart. I don't like it. Yeah, it's hard to watch anything die. Yeah.

It's not fun. And it's one of the problems that we have with eating meat in this country is that we don't watch the animals die. Of course. It totally affects you. I went to a slaughterhouse once. Woo, me too. When I was a teenager, though. Oh, really?

Yeah. How long did it stop you from eating meat? No, a few hours that night. But it still was one of those images that you're like, fuck me. We filmed Fear Factor in a slaughterhouse once and you could feel it. You could feel it in the building. I mean, maybe it's just my head. Yeah.

But it didn't feel like it. It felt like a dull hum of death everywhere you were. Yeah. It's like there was almost like an ambient sound that you could pick up. I remember the floors we had like rain boots on. You could walk around and there's just like so much fluid, so much blood, guts

pieces of things. Fuck man. It makes you really understand what the fuck you're looking at. It would it definitely could deter you. I mean I was I was like I said I was a young teenager and I still ate meat but I think I would definitely would be harder as I'm older what do you think this is something I've considered

like do you think that if you took kids at an early age to a slaughterhouse what percentage of them would continue to eat meat you lose a significant number of them right that's very interesting. So children probably shouldn't be exposed to something that horrific, some would argue, right? That's a good argument. Maybe children don't need to see an animal get a piston through its head and get hung up by its ankles and gutted. But guess what? Kids that grow up on farms, they see that shit. True.

Kids that grow up in hunting families, they see that shit. And it doesn't seem to bother them that much yeah i think when kids don't see something like that and then they see it then it really fucks them up but we um when we shot this elk in um uh to hone ranch when they were taking the elk apart yeah we were you know cutting the quarters off and doing all this stuff this one guy his wife and his little girl came to watch. And one of the things she said, this elk was lying down on the ground dead. She's like, is he sleepy? Yeah.

She's like two. She's a tiny little girl. She's probably barely talking. She's like, is he sleepy? Yeah. And the mom was like, no, he's dead. She told her. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it changed your perspective if you do what you do, for sure. If you kill and eat what you killed, I think that changed your perspective on it. Well, I don't think people have to do it. I'm not one of those people that think that people have to do it, but I do think. I don't think so either. But it changes you a little bit, right? Yeah.

You remember that you did this and then you, you used its meat for something. It's totally different. It's a totally different feel when you eat it. Like, and I'm not one of those people that doesn't think you should be able to get meat at a supermarket. I think you should. But I think there's, there's definitely something weird about not knowing how that animal died. Like that's not normal. It's like's like our brains, the way we formulate ideas, a lot of it is based around experience. Mm-hmm. Right? And the experience, like if you're eating a piece of meat or if you're even eating fruits or vegetables for that matter, you will understand that experience better if you go through the whole process. Like if you're there when the plants are growing, maybe you help water them, maybe you pick

them, maybe you cut them up and serve them and then you're eating them. Having a garden is a fucking cool thing. It's a cool thing. It gives you some weird thankfulness, which I think is one of the things that's a problem with people today is that things come so easy to us that we don't have obstacles to overcome and we're not super thankful for the super easy life that we have. Totally. We think of it as being like, yeah, it's just what it is, man.

Traveling somewhere poor will give you perspective on that for sure. Oh, I imagine. Yeah, going to a really poor place. You'll definitely rethink calling over the waiter. Jamie, who was it that was telling us? Jamie, who was it that was telling us? Yeah. Who was it that was telling us that they landed in the Congo and they were in the, they landed in the wrong spot?

Who the fuck was that? Was that Tom Papa? It might've been Tom Papa. It was Tom Papa, right? They were in the Congo? They were on safari and like had the emergency land kind of. Yeah. They're fucking, they're balloon.

They went up in a balloon like assholes. Tom Papa's awesome. He's really funny. He's a funny dude. He's great on podcasts too, man. Yeah. He's such like an elegant dance partner for a conversation. You're totally right.

Yeah. But he's got an amazing story about how they were up in this balloon. It was Tom Papa, right? Have you done his live show, by the way? Totally sure. Have you done his live show? His live show? Totally sure. Have you done his live show? His live show? What is it?

Tom Papa and Friends. Was it a podcast? No, it's a live scripted, like a 1930s radio show. What? Yeah, yeah. Where does he do it out of? Largo. No shit.

It's fucking fun. I've been on it a few times. What he does is he comes out. There's a fucking band that plays, like throwback kind of music. Right. And then he hosts it like a radio show. And then there's a theme, there's stories, and in between these sketches with live actors, like you have a script and you read in front of an audience, stand up in between.

Does he have his own podcast? Yeah, I think so. What is Tom Papa's podcast? For sure. How do I not know this answer? Because I knew... Did he used to do one with somebody? He may have.

Come to Papa. Come to Papa. That's right. That's right. It's on iTunes, the whole deal? That was a really good comic, too. Yeah, he's a very funny guy. He just has a special that just came out on Epix.

Yeah, that's probably it. Did it come out already yet, right? Didn't it come out like last weekend or something? It's recent. And it's got to be, what, third, fourth, fifth of his? Probably. He's had a few. Do you ever talk to him about sourdough bread?

Sourdough bread? No, I've never talked to him about that. You'll get lost for hours. Really? He's a sourdough wizard. He knows all about it. He can make you sourdough bread. He'll judge your bread. You make him some bread, he's like, hmm, good try for hours. Really? He's a sourdough wizard. He knows all about. He can make you sourdough bread. He'll judge your bread.

You make him some bread. He's like, hmm, good try, but here's what's wrong. I love. He's a bread snob. I feel like I love that quality. I feel like there's so much of that in comics. It's one of my favorite attributes about comedians. You're like, this guy's a fucking hockey fanatic.

He will punch you in the face if you say anything. You know what I mean? They have their little fanaticism. Yeah, for sure. That's his bread. Is it any better than that? My God. Are we at a bakery?

Am I in France? Am I at a bakery? No. I'm just baking bread. It's awesome. It's so cool. Yeah, I mean, that looks looks really good that bread looks fucking sensational dude there was one time i learned i went to a french cooking class uh a few like six seven

years ago and i learned a very basic but you know a little more sophisticated way to make chocolate souffle you know like the hot lava where you crack and there's a certain way you have to learn the temperature of your oven like the real way it works is to make multiples because it might say 300 but it cooks it in 17 minutes but at my house 300 cooks it in 22 minutes right so you because because they're actually the different ovens will actually are performing at a different level. The heat is not necessarily what it says. And, you know, you would learn how to mix and season the ramekin and all that. What's the range you could err in? Well, the thing is, I think most people would agree that you want the souffle to have a crack.

You almost want it to be a crumble, like it breaks through the top. Yeah. like it breaks through the top yeah but the middle stays a a sort of three quarters type of ooze softness you know so you don't want it to bake fully because then you have a cake basically right so and if you go under then it could be like too gooey you want like that that kind of down the middle oh i see what you're doing you know you know burt kreischer's gonna hear this podcast he's gonna hear this souffle talk and he's gonna go off like a rocket no you know i see what you're doing, dude. You know Burt Kreischer's going to hear this podcast. He's going to hear this souffle talk, and he's going to go off like a rocket. No. I know what you're doing.

Not at all. I can't believe you would use my podcast like that. I would never do something like that. Dude, that's what you just did. You've never done this before. You've never had this sense. I want a fucking chocolate souffle now. They're incredible.

God damn it. Do you want vanilla ice cream with yours? Absolutely. Have to. And you have to let your server know these things take 20 minutes or more. Yeah. They always tell you if a fancy schmancy place, like if you go to Morton's. Give us a heads up.

If you want the chocolate souffle, let us know now. Dude, when I learned that recipe, I made about 30 in two weeks. Wow. And yeah, I think I put on about 30 pounds in those two weeks. So yeah, definitely. Do you now, when you're trying to lose weight for this competition, do you now look at this like this is the new Tom Segura,

I'm just going to eat healthy and lose all this weight, or do you go, I'm just going to beat Bert Kreischer and then I'm going to go off like a rocket? No, I feel like it becomes a little bit addictive when you start seeing some results. It kind of reminds me of saving money. You're addicted to success. it becomes a little bit addictive to when you start seeing some results. It kind of reminds me of like saving money. You're addicted to success.

When you save money and you see the number go up, you know, like, and I'm talking like even like when you're not making a lot of money, you go like, I want to save this amount of money. Sometimes you'll surpass it and you'll be like, I don't even care about the thing that I thought I was saving money for. It's fun to see it grow. Right. That becomes the addiction.

It's like, I just want to see it grow. So I think weight loss can be like that. You go like, oh, I'll just try to lose it. But then you see the number go down. You're like, oh, I want to see it keep going down. That's why when they have those helicopter footage views of these mansions in the Hamptons and they're pulling a guy out in handcuffs because he stole $500 million from his company, that's what the fuck that's all about. Yeah.

That simple human need to collect, that becomes, you become some corporate villain. That becomes, you fucking dig into the oil in the middle of the ocean. Like every CEO in America. Yeah. I mean, it's a natural thing that people do. Sure. But the weight loss one's healthy. The weight loss one is a healthy one. But you bring up a real thing that people do. Yeah, sure. But the weight loss one's healthy. The weight loss one is a healthy one.

But you bring up a real good point. Yeah. Like people do get addicted to success. And they get addicted to, I think it's one of the most important things about people. Is that you have to find what little formula works for your brain. Right. Everybody's brain is fucking different. To tell everybody they got to go for it

and they got to work out like the rock and they got to read a book a day. Like, hey, hey, hey, slow the fuck down. That's not for me. Everybody doesn't have to do that. Yeah. But you got to find out what it is for you. And I think for almost everybody,

there should be something that you're pursuing that you can get better at. Meaning it could be art. It could be like you're really in a painting. It could be sculpture. It could be a physical thing, like maybe a yoga thing or a martial arts thing or fill in the blank with a hundred archery, a hundred different things that you could chess that you could really get into.

Sure. But I think when people work towards something and then continue to do something and try to improve in it, even if it's just your recreational tennis game, I think those things bring people happiness because I think people have a certain amount of built-in desire to overcome adversity, overcome problems, and we don't get enough of it in real life. Oh, right, right. So then you get something like a weight loss challenge. Yeah, anything like that where you have a difficult struggle.

Yeah. Like you have an accomplishment that you're working towards. It gives people this sense of meaning, you know, which ultimately, that's the real problem, right, with a lot of people is that they don't enjoy their life. And so then they start thinking about, like, what is the purpose of this then? Because is it just keep being uncomfortable and not happy until your heart stops beating. Yeah, that's a miserable way to live. A lot of people live like that.

By the way, my point for this, too, is that I think it's a great endorsement of fat shaming because this is a healthy result where you have two guys. Ultimately, look, it doesn't even matter. We both fat shamed and insulted each other, and then so did a lot of people right well You can get away with it because you're a fat guy if Jamie started fat shaming you we'd have a real issue I don't know man. Jamie's skinny. He runs a lot, but that's but a damn Mara What I'm saying is that if we benefited from it low fat yeah, I know he's No, no you did definitely, but you guys are all both professional comedians like here's a perfect example

What about a guy who's like a chef? Yeah. Who's just some fucking bomb-ass chef, and he's a master chef, and he keeps creating all these new dishes, but he's a fat fuck, and he eats like a pig, and he drinks wine every night like Gerard Depardieu? Well, look, if that guy loves that, you're right. I'm not encouraging, I'm not saying you should go on a fashion member, buddy. I'm saying, what I'm saying is that there is an outcome in in it in which it can be effective yeah and not negative i'm not saying

hey anybody who's fat you should fucking fat right i'm just saying that in this scenario in the the outcome could be that like it ends let's say it ended today and we are where we are both of us just actually ended up eating healthier and working out for a month. And you know what I mean? And we weigh less than we did, we're healthier than we were a month ago. Well, I think different people have different abilities of tolerating jokes pointed at them.

There's a different effect. Like you could say something to me and it probably has a different effect than maybe someone who doesn't do comedy or maybe someone who's not used to someone joking around with them. I think that's a factor too. I don't think you should emotionally traumatize a fat person.

I hope I didn't sound like I was trying to say that. But for some people, it takes being called fat to get them off their ass. That's my point, is that I feel like, I should say, me. It worked. And with some people. Yeah, yeah. I mean, in a healthy way. I never took it to like really, I don't know. It didn't affect me in a horrible, it affected me in a motivating way. Well, you and I have had a ton of conversations over the years about health and fitness and weight loss and stuff like that.

Yeah. If you wanted to do something, I always felt like you would definitely do something and you always worked out. Yeah. You know, but. Yeah. It just became something that I want to do just channeled through this other thing. That's ultimately what it was.

I've told this story before, but when Kevin James was losing weight, his manager at the time, who he got rid of, was telling him that if he loses weight, he loses rolls. Yeah. He was telling him to not be healthy because you won't get as much work. I had a manager tell me. That is goddamn crazy, Tom. I had a manager tell me don't lose the weight. Oh, Jesus. That's the same thing.

Like, what the fuck kind of advice is that? I know. That's so crazy. I know. Don't be better as a person. It's going to fuck up your comedy. They were thinking of casting. They were like, there's this many roles, so you could get one.

I wonder if they would approach it differently now. Because now, like, casting, and it's always going to be good to be on a sitcom. It's always going to be good to be in a movie. Yeah. But if you're someone like you, who has a successful podcast and then does Netflix specials, I'll take that over all those things all day. It's a good life. It's the best life.

You're creating your own shit. You're creating your own shit. You're doing your own thing. You're doing it when you want to. You're being very prolific. You're having fun. I mean, you've done two specials in what, two and a half years? Yeah.

That's pretty fucking badass. You did one and then you did another one like, what was it, a year and a half later or somewhere in that range? I did it, yeah, about 16 to 18 months later. Yeah, man, that's fucking giant. Yeah, I'm working on another one. Yeah, but see, no interference, man. That's fucking giant. Yeah. I'm working on another one. Yeah.

But see, no interference, man. You're right. You don't have some crazy executives that want to change the direction of the show. Yeah.

That's a whole world that I've learned. It's really weird. Like just from writing. Yeah, like having the script deals. Yeah. A lot of people get involved.

At first they don't. At first there's nothing. It's just like you and an idea. They have conversations with you that you just want to go Why did you just say I had one one time where we had this? conversation with an executive Who said like we kind of want shows like and I'll just make it up right like let's say like an HBO show That's not what I mean, and you go like okay And that was just one of the things they said and then on the first right like let's say like an HBO show it's not what and you go like okay and

that was just one of the things they said and then on the first notes pass which is like they read your first draft the first thing that the same executive said was kind of feels like an HBO show don't really want it you know we were like what that's what you said and they're like no it's too much like that oh my god what's hilarious so that kind of that's the kind of shit you can deal with on a writing deal where you're like, I don't know where to go from that. Yeah, well, those deals are so odd. You work with writers and sometimes, you know, like you don't know a person. You sit down with them, start trying to write a script with them.

It just gets really strange. Yeah, yeah. But when the execs come in is when it really gets strange. Yeah. They have their own wacky ideas. I pitched a show once, and the guy was pitching it without a panic attack. He had a panic attack at the pitch? In the pitch meeting.

Whoa. Yeah. He held it together, but he's a really nice guy. Very smart guy, too. He's a real good writer. Very funny guy. Used to be a comic. And then in the middle of this meeting, he just locked up.

You could see it, you know, just had really struggled to try to get through the pitch and I couldn't jump in. I mean, if I jumped, I didn't know what to do. Pitches are so funny, man. Pitches are like, for people that haven't, who haven't done it or don't like pitching a show in my, in my estimation and in my experience is a lot like a blind date first like the first five minutes because that's how like a pitch feels because they'll be like hey you're i'm supposed to meet you yeah two right and you're like yeah

two o'clock and then they're like what's going on right and then the the the usually the popular thing especially for comedy people is they're like first just be like yourself and just make it funny and you make a decision like you're like i'm gonna joke about this and you like sometimes you get on a roll like people are you're gelling like this is it's funny natural conversation but sometimes it's like an awkward first date where you're like yeah you like moose and the person's like what and then you kind of feel it being awkward they start to be like, I don't know if this is a great date, you know? And then they're like, at that point, like, I don't know if I would go on a second date with you. It's like the feel.

They go, so what's the idea? And you're already feeling like, oh, shit, this isn't a good date to begin with. And then you start trying to throw out an idea. Like, well, you'll like this, even though I don't think you like me. You know? And then you kind of, and it either rolls down that hill where you're like you leave the room like that was awkward right a pitch is still one step removed from an audition though right addition's the worst that is yeah that is that is definitely the worst they also

you feel like sometimes you walk in the room in an audition and you feel like the casting director person made the decision all right as you walk in the room you ever have that where like you walk in and you're like this person's definitely a no yeah and you have to keep going you got to keep going i had a guy check emails once during an audition you know i was like uh then another time i improvised the line and the guy laughed and he goes that was rude and i was like what was he goes stick to the script it's punched to the fucking gut like that have you had a bad pitch yes well that was a bad pitch where the guy had a panic attack that was the end of that

have you ever tried to pitch that like where you're like and you're like this is going to terrible right now I pitched a show that the dude laughed me he thought I was joking when but I was totally serious. It was about a bunch of girls who work at a bikini pizza place during the day, and at night they find crime, and it's called Pizza Sluts. Yeah? They work at a place called Pizza Sluts. And he's like, all right, what's the real pitch?

I wanted to do, it was a stoned idea I had, All right, what's the real pitch? I wanted to do, it was a stoned idea I had, but the idea was to do like a super over-the-top, ridiculous like Charlie's Angels type thing with some girls that worked at a pizza place. Yeah. That was the cover for this like secret crime-fighting organization. It was so stupid.

Like I didn't have ideas for scripts. I didn't have anything. But see, I think I would at least be smiling if that was the pitch. He laughed. He laughed, but he was like, we can't do that. We can't do that shit. You ever see my mayor sizzle? You saw that?

Where I play basically like a Rob Ford type character? Oh, yeah. I did see that. Play that. We shot that a couple years ago. And we pitched it to a lot. We sent them that that or we'd bring it with us right there's some people that laugh and like it's like i said it's like meeting a new

person right and there's one guy who were like so um did you see the sizzle and he goes yeah and he's like what else is there like that kind of where he's just like shuts it down you know oh yeah man? Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. Let me hear this. Harry Pryor. Mr. Mayor? Baby boy, drink with me! Mr. Mayor, this is Stan Ramsey from the Budget Office.

We're using Stan for some health care PSAs. He was recently diagnosed with cancer. God, I'm sorry, Stan. What kind? Lung. I don't even smoke. Yeah. What did the doctors say? They gave me six months. You know something? My aunt had lung cancer, and they gave her that same prognosis,

and that was 14 years ago. Really? She remained cancer-free? Oh, she died 13 1⁄2 years ago. Why are you telling me this? Because it was like six months to the day. I mean, these doctors, they know their shit. It was great meeting you, Stan. Hey, and definitely swing by before

April. We can set that up through my office. It's just the people's mayor? Yeah. So he's decided to do a Rob Ford character? Yeah, I mean, it wasn't pitched that way, but you could tell that was obviously the influence. Would you like to ramp it up and start with Coke?

Dude. Rob Ford, the thing that was so interesting about him is they had video of him smoking crack. This leads down to- Oh, he keeps going? Sucking black dick for crack. Oh, Jesus. Sucking a black dick. Yeah.

Well, accused of it. He's like, I don't suck it. I don't think so. But it was written by Tom Ruprecht, who's a really funny, he was a Letterman writer for years and years and years. Really funny guy. And I just played the role, but pitching that was a rollercoaster, because we had so many good people involved in it. And I was like, whoa. And then the pitch, I just can't help but, I know I'm repeating it, but it's like a blind date.

It was like people would be like, oh my God, that's fucking awesome. And then they'd be like, I hate you. Well, think of the position. You're going to an executive and you're saying, hey, spend money. Spend money. Spend money, I want to make a hit. Well, what's your idea? And then, you know, well, it's a bunch of girls in their bikinis and they go, get the fuck out of here.

Get out of here. That's stupid. That's stupid. Yeah. That's stupid. Stupid idea. I'm glad they said no. Yeah. But every now sluts. Yeah. That's stupid. Stupid idea. I'm glad they said no. Yeah.

But every now and then, someone will come in their office and something clicks and they decide, oh, let's take a chance. And they can take a chance on 10 things and only one of them works. Yeah. I mean, how many shows get fucking canceled and they cost a shitload of money to make? Mm-hmm. Happens all the time. True.

Do you remember that show with the dude from ER? What's his name? Noah. Noah? Noah Wiley? Remember he had a show, like an alien show? It was this crazy special effects alien invasion show, and they hyped the shit out of it, spent all this money on it.

If you're on a hit show, you get so many more chances after that. Oh, yeah yeah you do keep putting you in shit man there it is falling skies it's kind of funny looking really yeah i mean like the the creatures were badass looking they're bizarre but it's a weird show it's like what is going what is this yeah like these creatures so they're hanging out like once you're hanging out with aliens, god damn, that's hard to pull off,

yeah, you turn your back to a lizard person, like you're not freaking out, by the fact that thing's from another god damn planet, right, behind you, you can look to the skies, I would never let one of those fuckers behind me,

everywhere I'd walk, I'd have my back to the wall, well it's every instinct had to be to kill, yeah, of course, dude, you see that picture, or the animated gif file, that I put up on my Instagram?

Which one? Of an owl swooping in and jacking this other bird. No. I think it's a hawk. It jacks, too. It looks like some- I tell you what I did watch was your tree cutting thing. Holy shit, is that disturbing.

Fuck is that thing. See that machine? Yeah. I've seen those before, but that one seemed like- Just picks up trees. Maybe I forgot how efficient they were. Just cuts them in half, strips the- Look at that.

Saws it in half, lifts it up in the air, buzzes through all the bark. As it's holding it. Yeah. Cuts it again, buzzes through the bark, totally strips the bark off. I mean, that's crazy. Yeah. Strips all the branches off, cuts it, blamp. It's so- I know. It's incredible it blamp it's so i know it's

incredible lamp it's not dude manning that it's nuts fucking wild yeah it's so disturbing when you see the brutal brutal efficiency of it look how it just saws through it and all those wheels and gears on it yeah really incredible man unreal yeah But anyway, that's not shit compared to the owl. This owl swoops down and jacks this bird. I don't know what kind of bird. It actually looks like a pigeon more than it looks like a hawk, right? What does that look like, that bird? Look at the eyes in the distance.

See the eyes? Yeah. Watch this, motherfucker. Bam! Whoa. Yeah. That other bird doesn't even know what happened no

he's like hey see look at his face that looks like a raptor doesn't it yeah I mean it has quite a beak on it though right I think that's

some kind of a raptor look at the kind of distance that thing's coming from dude and it sees them they don't see it and BLEEAH later

and they don't just grab you they kick you yeah like as it closes in watch it one more time we're like saying this now those eyes look he's just fucking swooping in They grab you. They kick you. Yeah. Like as it closes in. Watch it one more time. We're like sadist now.

Those eyes. Look, he's just fucking swooping in. Those eyes are so creepy. Awesome to watch animals do it. But watch how he kicks them. Bitch. Like it's not just a grab. It's a stun.

Yeah. Like it kicks them and then sinks the claws in. Yeah, man. And they have, you ever seen an owl's talons? Yeah, they're incredible. They're enormous yeah that other bird turned its head was like you say something like that why is it that we take these ruthless fascinating birds of prey and these predators in nature and we make them out to be these like love sweethearts yeah like owls there's nothing funnier than Matt Bronger's bit about owls.

I've never seen that. It's about that. Oh, that's hilarious. It's so fucking funny. It's about how ruthless owls are? How savage they are. I'm paraphrasing. It's an older bit of his, but people are like, oh, they're so cute.

That thing will rip your fucking face off. He has a really, really well-written bit about it. Look at that. Jesus Christ. People try to make them cute. They're like, oh, they're adorable. They're amazing. Yeah.

They're night predators. Mm-hmm. Night flying predators with giant eyes. Look at that. Those eyes, too, man. Yeah, we were at, there's a rescue place that we go to sometimes. Yeah. They take care of wildlife and rehabilitate them, and they had this one owl that was blind,

like pretty much blind. It couldn't fly. It would just perch, owl that was blind, like pretty much blind. It couldn't fly. It would just perch. And it was a really small owl. Yeah. And you sit there and look at this thing. I think it's in Silmar, I think the place is. I forget where it's at.

It's in the 818. But it's got this little owl, and you're looking in his fucking eyes, man. You're like, what a strange creature. And his eyes look almost like cracked because he's blind. It looks like you're looking through his fucking eyes, man. You're like, what a strange creature. And his eyes look almost like cracked because he's blind. Like it looks like you're looking through a cracked television glass or something. And it's old? Yeah, he's old.

He's old and maybe something happened to his eyes too. It might have been an injury or something like that. You know, sometimes birds will fly into windows. That happens a lot. We have the outline of one on a window. Oh, Jesus. Look at those eyes. Is that that one bird? I don't know. It's a blind owl. Blind owl, yeah. Look at those eyes. Is that that one bird?

I don't know. It's a blind owl. Blind owl, yeah. Look at his eyes. They look like they're cracked inside. Like there's something wrong, something missing. He's looking at the universe.

That guy looks like a portal to the heavens. Look at his right eye. It's like a constellation map, or his left eye. That's true. The left eye is a constellation. The right eye is a storm. It's not even a reflection of something

that looks like that. That's what it looks like in that eye. It's just such. The right eye is a storm. It's not even a reflection of something that looks like that. That's what it looks like in that eye. It's just such a bizarre animal. Like, if that didn't exist, like, if there was no owls and then they just found one, you would be obsessed. You'd be like, holy shit, have you seen that new animal they discovered? Yeah, it's called an owl. They're calling it an owl.

Dude, it's this giant flying thing with huge talons and it only hunts at night and it's smart as fuck Hmm, they just swoop down and jack everything Yeah, that's that's a that's an incredible predator man Well, it's really interesting that the balance of those things other than when people get infected or involved rather Mm-hmm Well the balance of those things is like how many of them exist? or involved rather, the balance of those things is like how many of them exist. It's all dependent upon like how much there is for them to eat.

Right. It's like the more rabbits there are, the more rats there are, the more the owls will thrive. It's, if you didn't have those things, like people are always in LA, they're always worried about coyotes. Oh man, it's fucking coyotes. It's bullshit. We got to get these coyotes out of our neighborhood. Oh, do you like rats? Yeah.

Do you like rats? No. No, I don't like rats. Yeah, neither do I. Yeah, how do rats get to your fucking house? Coyotes. Yeah. Hey, my cat. Don't put your cat outside.

Yeah. Fucking mittens. Doesn't know what the hell a goddamn coyote is. Right. No, it's their, yeah. People flip out about that. You need coyotes. I've seen a fucking coyote jogging down,

trotting down a fountain with a dog in its mouth before. At night, late, late at night. That's dark. And then I saw a pack of them came to an apartment building I lived at once. And you heard this weird squeaking, like screeching. At first I thought it was an animal was hurt where were you i was in silver lake holy shit and i was like man what is that sounds like a dog's

crying and i opened the door and the door that was near the street the apartment there had a glass door open but a screen door and there was they had a bigger dog and then there was like six coyotes. Trying to get that dog? Yeah, and they were making this incredible crying noise. Holy shit. We were fucking fixated, like, oh, my God. For a second, I thought they're going to fucking run through that door. Imagine if they got through and just made a bloodbath out of the hallway.

Yeah. He came down, he found this coyote's kill. As a pitch, I'm already in on this one. Okay. If you want to pitch this. What is it? Fucking six coyotes see a dog break in and make a bloodbath of an entire family. Jesus.

Halloween 2017. Coyotes? Wild coyotes? Sure. Just start killing people? Why not? I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. All right.

Then don't fucking buy it. I just tried to sell it to you. All right, dude. All right. Jesus Christ. I'll go. Okay, we all have different tastes. I'm not into that. Jamie was like it. It makes me uncomfortable. All right. Then don't fucking buy it. I just tried to sell it to you. All right, dude. All right. Jesus Christ. I'll go. Okay, we all have different tastes. I'm not into that.

Jamie was into it. Do you know that coyotes are wolves? No. Yeah. They're wolves. They used to call them prairie wolves. That's why they can breed with wolves. They have that thing called a coy wolf.

That's like a hybrid between a coyote and a wolf. Yeah. It's not just a hybrid between a coyote and a wolf. There's actually a lot of them now. There's like the percentage of hybrid. It's like sometimes a hybrid mixes with a pure coyote. Sometimes a hybrid mixes with another hybrid. Sometimes a hybrid mixes with another wolf. So there's like a bunch of different levels of coyotes and wolves, but ultimately they're all wolves. Coyotes are a type of wolf. But the difference between dogs and wolves is dramatic, right? I think I read that.

Only by image. By image only? Yeah. Their genetics are exactly the same. But then the, the natural abilities of them. I shouldn't say the genetics because obviously they vary, right? Yeah. But what I should say is when you research a dog's dna all dogs came from wolves so they became a dog but obviously an english bulldog is very different than a husky is very different than a rottweiler there's a lot of weird variations and genes but all of them originated with wolves Yeah, they don't even know how. They don't know. I mean, what the fuck? And coyotes come from wolves?

Coyotes are wolves. Are wolves, oh. And some coyotes have bred with dogs. When we did a Fear Factor shoot once, we stumbled upon this, like a litter of puppies. Yeah. That this Labrador had had with a coyote. It was really weird. Do you ever see mountain lion?

I've seen mountain lions. I've seen them twice. Yeah. I saw one in Colorado, and I saw one in Santa Barbara. I saw one in Montecito, that Montecito neighborhood. We were driving to a restaurant. We're driving up the street and this thing runs across the road and I'm looking at it and I'm just like, oh, and I saw its tail and then, oh my God, it's a cat. That's a cat. That's a big cat. Holy shit. It's such a different feeling, man. When you see, and when I say big cat, it was probably about 60 or 70 pounds.

Anywhere between, I'm just guessing, anywhere between 50 and 70 pounds. It wasn't big like a big mountain lion. Yeah. Like some of them get to be 150 plus pounds. It wasn't like that big. Those can be bad motherfuckers. They're all bad motherfuckers. My point is that 51 will fuck you up yeah of course 50 pound mountain line will fuck you up man you don't want to see that no that's a terrible so to see it in this

really nice neighborhood we went to this really nice italian restaurant we're driving down this residential street and we're like holy shit that's a killer that thing's just roaming looking for dogs and shit. Yeah, what if it saw you walking your dog, you know? They'll take your dog. Coyotes take your dog all the time. You hear stories about old ladies in Brentwood walking their poodles, click, click, click, click.

They hear the clicks of the nails of the coyote behind them, and the coyote just snatches that dog right off the leash. Yeah. That's horrible. They'll eat anything. Especially when they're in urban environments. They actually target cats and dogs because cats and dogs kill a lot of what they kill. Yeah.

So they don't just look at a cat. This is one of the things I found out from this Coyote America book that I read, was that they don't just look at a cat as something to eat. They really look at it as a competing predator. Oh, so I got to get rid of that. Yeah, because that thing's eating all the fucking birds. Right. That thing's as a competing predator. Oh, so I got to get rid of that. Yeah, because that thing's eating all the fucking birds. That thing's eating all the rats.

That thing's eating, it's killing everything. I never thought of that. Yeah, they don't like it. They don't like having competing predators around. Kill the competition. I mean, they'll kill it if it was a chicken, obviously. They would kill it if it was something that wasn't a competing, like if it was a bunny rabbit, they would kill it too.

So it's hard to say why they're killing it. They easily could be killing it for food, but they believe that they target those animals because those animals are fellow predators. Interesting. Yeah. They must know. They must be able to tell when something's a predator. I saw this piece, a news piece about how they would have much better chance of survival, the mountain lions out here, if we had overpasses over the freeways for them to roam. Yeah, they're going to build those. Yeah. Are they going to build it?

Yeah. I know that in Europe they have them some places. They've got to do them here, and they're going to spend millions of dollars, and people are up in arms. People are like, fuck these things. Well, one of them just killed, I think it was like, we looked this up the other day, right?

12 alpacas, or 11 alpacas and one goat in malibu just went on a rampage just decided i just want to jump the fence and fuck these things up didn't eat one of them just killed him for the fuck of it you think it was like like for fun or because it saw it as good time yeah good time can't resist yeah there's a bunch of things stuck in a cage yeah i can get in that cage i get over the top of that thing all right i, I'm going to do it. Wow. I mean, that's like probably a thrill for him. Sure.

These totally tame things that aren't going to run good. Think about how many times that thing's trying to sneak up on a deer, and the deer sees him and boing, boing, boing. Fuck. Yeah, yeah. I mean, how many times does that thing have to go on a stalk before it actually gets a deer? So it walked out of that cage like, ah. It just satisfied.

It just probably came all over the place. Yeah, see if you've, they gave a depredation order to kill this thing. And people are up in arms about that. They're like, no, we want the monster that kills the alpacas to stay near our children in our house. Jesus. No, don't kill it. Don't. Don't kill the thing. I'm a big Mountain Lion fan, folks. Don't get me wrong. No, don't kill it. Don't. Don't kill the thing.

I'm a big Mountain Lion fan, folks. Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of wolves, too. But when you got something in your neighborhood that kills 11 alpacas, what if it was a werewolf? Okay? What if a werewolf was in your neighborhood and decided to kill a bunch of sheep? It got a reprieve. Yeah, though.

They decided to change this. Wow. They gave a depredation order, which means the rancher was allowed to kill it. So it looks like the mountain lion got a reprieve. A neighbor had offered to shoot the big cat known as P45. Can you make that a little

bigger? Thank you, sir. For Victoria Vaughn Perling. But she told reporters it was never her intention to have the cougar killed. Instead, she said she'd hoped game officials would capture it and get it away from her ranch. Okay, so the woman who had the alpacas didn't want the mountain lion to be killed.

She indicated that public outrage might have played a role in her decision, adding she was surprised by the vitriol. Oh, of course. Yeah. Well, the people who don't know, especially someone who's like a rancher, is raising alpacas, and they're not paying attention to how nutty social justice warriors get online

when it comes to things like this. But here's the thing, folks. You got a problem if you got something that's in your neighborhood that kills a lot of livestock, especially that, the way it did it there, where it killed a bunch of them and didn't even eat it. Where would they drop that thing, by the way, you think, if they were trying to do that? They would take it there or killed a bunch of them and didn't even eat it where would they drop that thing by the way you think if they were trying to do that they would take it somewhere

like big bear or you know somewhere probably close by but far enough away that it you know maybe could stake out a new territory but there's no guarantee that it doesn't come back see the thing about mountain lions as opposed to people is they know where the fuck they are and they know how to get home yeah like they have some weird built-in sense of direction like mountain lions will travel hundreds of miles in their lives Hundreds hundreds miles and they'll get back to where they were dude There was a mountain lion that was killed in fucking Connecticut and it originated in South Dakota That's really far. Yeah, it was hit by a car in Connecticut and they were like what in the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah yeah why is there

a mountain lion on the road see if you can find that story Jesus Christ I don't butcher with my shit memory I didn't take Alphabrain today no no I forgot forgot to grab it on the way out now I'm stupid keeps you sharper oh for sure and the phlegm didn't help either phlegm at the beginning of the podcast

Connecticut mountain lion walked from South Dakota 1500 miles 140 pound male cougar The phlegm at the beginning of the podcast. Tied me up. Connecticut mountain lion walked from South Dakota. 1,500 miles. 140-pound male cougar, which is a big cat. Estimated between two and five years old. Almost certainly left its native habitat to look for mates, but went in the wrong direction, according to Adrian Y.

Animal. How do you say that name? Adrian Y. Diven. Y. Diven. Y. Diven? Y. Diven? Y. Diven? A mammal ecologist with the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources. He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

There's one of those expressions. He was struck by an SUV on the Wilbur Cross Parkway in Milford, Connecticut. I know where that is. I used to play pool around there. Really? I used to play pool in Milford. Yeah, in that area. I think it was Milford.

That's too bad. On June 11th, the driver was unhurt, but the cougar died at the scene. Fuck, man. Whoa. See, that cougar was just glassing, and then the guy hit him. That's interesting that they initially thought that it had been released from captivity, given that no mountain lion had been sighted in the state for more than 100 years. Jesus.

That's so long, man. It's crazy. Yeah. They've spotted them in a lot of places, and now they're a fact. Like, a big one is Florida. You know, Florida, the cougars in Florida were like a legend just a few years ago, and now there's a lot of video of them. Have you seen the one where the lady's walking down a fence? She's walking on a bridge, rather.

And as she's walking down the bridge, the fucking mountain lion's on the bridge and runs past her, and she films the whole thing, and she's freaking out. No. Holy shit. No. It's a big one too and it's just and it's a little narrow ass wooden bridge check this shit out like watch give me some volume jamie give me some fucking volume watch this where's the volume here watch this watch oh my god watch this oh my god Oh, my God. Watch this. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Holy shit. Dude. Yeah. Dude. Whoa. Are you fucking kidding me? For the people listening, not watching, this mountain lion, which is really big, runs by this lady. I guess it's a Florida panther, but it's the same animal.

Right. It runs by this lady within a couple of feet of her. Oh, yeah. Maybe one foot. Right next to her, man. I mean, and it's the same animal. Right. It runs by this lady within a couple of feet of her. Oh, yeah. Maybe one foot. Right next to her, man. I mean, and it's huge. This cat is goddamn enormous. But it's, you know, she's lucky that she's standing up.

Where was that? Does it say in her description? No, but in her description, does she say where she was? It's your mom's house. She was at my mom's? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, your mom was in Florida.

That's true. That's true. It does. She does. Naples. Naples. Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary Yeah they're

They're eating rednecks Out there folks Don't fucking kid yourself Do not Bubba went missing man He was out there Frogging He went out there

Frogging We never heard from him again Oh there's a lot of shit That can kill you Oh yeah Everything eats you You go out there And like fucking

What was that one Do you remember that one movie God damn it Southern Comfort Do you remember Southern one movie god damn it southern comfort do you remember southern comfort no southern comfort is about some uh national guard it's a fucking good movie god damn it before i say that it might not hold up okay it might be one of those movies i love yes i know exactly what you mean when you're 16 you're like dude roadhouse shit yeah did this patrick clazy no real? Are you fucking really asking me that?

Southern Comfort. Yeah, so it was about these National Guard guys that went down into the swamp, and they were doing some sort of, like, exercise, and they pissed somebody off, and they got in some sort of an exchange with people, and they shot at someone. They shot at someone with, like, blanks. They didn't have real bullets.

They were just being an asshole. And when they shot at someone, they shot at like some, some Cajun guy who like lived in the swamps. Yeah. And they, they set up waiting for these guys and they took one out with a rifle from a distance.

And when he died, they went, Oh my God, like this guy's shot and killed in front of them And then it became I don't want to give away spoiler alert But it becomes these guys trying to survive in the woods with these crazy fucking Cajun people that have been living there their whole lives Wow yeah, I think I'm a dude. It's deep. It's not a pizza sluts, but it's fucking this idea He's a sluts, but see pizzauts, you knew it was bullshit going in.

Right. See, that was the part that this guy didn't get. Yeah. It's a good fucking movie, man. Yeah. It's a good fucking movie. I remember this. Might suck.

I'm going to warn you. If you go watch it, Joe Rogan, I saw Altered States. That movie's fucking terrible. And you're right. Yeah. You're right. Altered States changed my life, but it's terrible. Yeah.

A lot of old movies don't hold up. Nope. Try watching that shit today. Comedies, too. Sometimes you're like, that's the funniest shit. And then you watch it again. You're like, hmm. Someone was telling me that about Stripes.

They tried to watch Stripes. Yeah. And they're like, this movie's fucking terrible. Yeah. If you see, I mean, you know the thing that you don't give enough credit to on something like that? Something like Stripes was one of the blueprints for how to make that kind of comedy. And if you're somebody that didn't see Stripes

but saw a hundred bad versions of Stripes and then you see it, then it looks bad. Right. Because you know formulaically who the characters, you're like that's this character, that character. You've seen versions of all the jokes. You know it so then it feels like, oh, this is just another, when it's actually the original.

Right. It's also a problem that like everything else, it just kind of keeps getting better. People get better at it. Oh, yeah. Like super bad. Yeah. Like super bad didn't exist before stripes right you know right and like stripes kind of opened the door for movies like super bad but ultimately super bad's funnier yeah it's better it's better movie damn that movie's funny it's really funny that's a funny that's a fucking

by yourself holding your sides at home laughing your ass off funny movie yeah yeah you're right so the ones that they really knock it out of the park today, but it has to be one that they knock it. There's a lot of shit comedies. But there's always a lot of shit comedies. There were shit comedies then, there's shit comedies now. What's a really good comedy lately? Have you seen one? I don't think I've seen one.

That Fred Eichler Glasson video. Fucking Glasson's hysterical. Glasson, it's Glasson. Jamie, you seen a good movie, good comedy? I'm looking if I can'm looking I'm trying to remember one that I've seen recently that was really funny I heard train wreck

was funny but I didn't see it hmm what name one one movie I'm trying to think god damn it

what about what about a good movie have you seen a good movie recently hmm um I saw shark bites the shall? I saw Shark Bites. The Shallows. I saw that.

What's that? I mean, it was just entertaining. It was Blake Lively alone. There's sharks after her. You know, it was silly. It wasn't like... For what it was, it was like entertaining. You know what the problem with movies is now?

HBO and Netflix. They're so fucking badass. They just clanged it over the head. Yeah. Like when you watch a new episode of Game of Thrones you're so god damn invested in that show well they can go so much further with where the story's gonna go

they can go so deep if you know you have 10, 13, 15 hours to tell a story you can really make those hours meaningful it's totally different than like a great show that you get into I mean it just changed like dude at the fucking I think I've told you if you watch Fargo the TV series heard it's amazing

It's fucking unbelievable. There's too many good shows that guy's on no, I forget his laugh. That guy's unreal man Those shows are so good. It's Billy Bob's sort Thornton still in it. Well, no, he's the most don't tell me anything The cast stop saying anything. Don't tell me anything. Stop saying anything. Don't you spoil it. No, I won't spoil anything. But you should watch season one and season two. I will watch it. Don't threaten me, though, dude.

Deadpool was pretty good. I don't know if you consider it necessarily a full comedy. I would call that a superhero comedy, and I agree with you. That was really funny. Deadpool? That was a good movie. That was really fucking funny. Yeah.

And that dude's really funny. Yeah, Ryan O'Neal. He's funny. That was really funny. Deadpool? That was a good movie. That was really fucking funny. Yeah. And that dude's really funny. Yeah, Ryan O'Neill. He's funny. No, Reynolds. Reynolds. Same guy. Same guy. Handsome guy's name

Ryan for a thousand, Alex. His wife is the star of the shark one I saw. That's his wife. Oh, well, there you go. There you go. Makes sense. That's why it was great.

Yeah, he's a funny dude. That was a good movie. Really funny. I wonder if that new one, that new one has a pretty funny trailer. The Aniston work one. Really funny. I wonder if that new one, that new one has like a pretty funny trailer. The Aniston work one. You know what I mean? Christmas office party.

Yeah, it's like an R-rated comedy. It looks like it could be fun. I mean, I haven't seen it. Jennifer Aniston, is that what you just said? Yes. It's going to be funny? I think so. You just said that?

Yeah, it's got TJ Miller. It's got some other people. You all right? Yeah. Okay. That's what I like. Good, solid Jennifer Aniston movie. Dude, if you're not a fucking Friends.

I never watched Friends. No, it's very, it's just formulaic, man. It's generic, but people like the characters. Friends? Yeah, I think so. Sure. It hits all the notes. If you're writing a sitcom, each of those characters plays one of the archetype people,

and they just got people that had chemistry. I fucked up i never watched seinfeld when i was on the air and i never watched friends seinfeld's really i watched a couple of frasers and i would always watch it for like 10 minutes and go what the fuck am i doing seinfeld's really the only i think one that's if you're a comic did you ever watch mad about you and go is there something with the am i just thinking wrong well i would see people watch it like family members, and laughing. And that's when I would think something's wrong with me.

And then after, I was like, you're retarded. You see what she said to him? What do you think that is? You're not retarded. That's what I think. The people that are so laughing. Do you think it's an intelligence thing? Yes.

Yes. It is. Yeah, they're tapping into dull sperm yeah they're figuring out the people that so you're saying your fucking sperm's better bro because you like different shows come on bro you know what i saw that's fucking excellent all bullshit aside i don't care what you like but uh um black mirror or dark mirror black mirror black mirror black mirror i watched the one where the guy i finally watched it and Mirror. I watched the one where the guy, I finally watched it. And I went right to the one where the guy records memories. Everyone can record a memory.

Personal DVR. That was great. Holy shit. Have you seen? That's exactly what we've been talking about. I've been trying to tell you. For so long. That show's phenomenal.

Have you seen the- Are you trying to one-up me, you motherfucker? The masturbation one? No. No, I'm saying on that show, on Black Mirror. What do you mean? There's an episode on masturbation? Yes.

I've only seen two episodes. I saw the first one where the guy fucks the pig, and I saw the second. This is the second one that I saw. Oh, okay. I went to watch this one specifically because it's about a subject that we're constantly talking about. Which is? Which is recording memories. They're going to be able to record memories.

It's 100% going to be able to record memories it's 100 it's going to happen yeah it's just a matter of whether or not we can survive the next hundred years or whatever it is before we get hit by an asteroid or but one of these days they're gonna just think about how crazy it is that 200 years ago if you wanted a painting of something if you wanted a picture of something rather you would have to paint it yeah you'd have to draw it or paint it that was so so recent yeah just 200 years ago it's not long yeah no photographs ever so no one had ever seen anything that they didn't see yeah you either saw it or you didn't see it sure so what we have done is let you see things you're never going to be anywhere near like in some weird way we've already connected people's memories like my memories of you know anything whatever i did this last, I could show it to you on my phone.

Hey, we went fishing in Hawaii. Look at some of my memories. I'm showing you my fucking memories. They're just shitty. They're like Morse code. You know, they're like, you know, a fucking teletype machine. They're facts. They're not the internet.

And I think it's crazy that like your children will be able to grow up and think about. How about yours? As well. Why are you saying my children? Leave my fucking kids out of this, dude. So my kids will be able to watch... Let's just talk only about yours. Can you show me a cesarean section, you piece of shit?

This doctor used the Snapchat spectacles, which is the early version of what you're talking about. To do a surgery? Yeah, he showed it like... Oh, what kind of surgery is this? I'm not exactly sure. Oh, my God, dude. How about a little warning?

How about a heads up? I gotta pee man. Go pee bro. I'll watch this guy get cut open But that's a super interesting. Yes. It's through his eyes, right? Yeah So the snapchat glasses are essentially cameras that are connected to the internet Yeah to your snapchat account, I would assume but uh, yeah, that's nuts nuts. Hands off cameras so you don't have to. People love them. People are having sex on it. How dare they? I don't know if they're sharing the porn videos online. But they can watch each other fuck? Yeah.

So it's essentially the same thing. They've already got it. God damn. I knew it. Not like it's anything brilliant that I discovered. But on that Black Mirror episode the different concepts that come up with that are super interesting. They did an outstanding job. And it was also weird how their eyes would glaze over when they would

look at their own stuff. They could look at their stuff through their eyes. I'm giving it away too much, right? It's been out for quite a while. So what? I didn't see it. Don't spoiler alert things. People are mad at me for spoiler alert and The Walking Dead. What are you going to do, folks? I said spoiler alert. Just hit that button quick. If you're nowhere near it and you hear spoiler alert and you're not near your phone, you're like, fuck, by the time you get there.

We should give them, like, spoiler alert and then 10 seconds. Like, next time we're going to say something about something, we'll say spoiler alert and then we'll count down. That would be annoying, though, right? For sure. You know what? Well, I should have, like, a countdown on my desk, like a little thing that I could press at any moment. It just gives me a flat 10 seconds. Can that be done?

And then I'll just keep talking. And I'll go, spoiler alert, and then I'm going to hit the button. What I'm about to tell you, definitely get out of the fucking room. If you want to know, I'll let you know. You got seven seconds, five, four. Then how long are you going to talk about it for? Ten minutes? One minute?

20 seconds? Tough shit. You've been warned. But what I thought was really interesting in the Black Mirror thing is that when they had that one late... I can't talk about that. I'll spoil it. But I just thought the way they handled it was really, really well done. Because it seemed like normal people of today that were

faced with this technology. As opposed to, like Westworld is weird to me. I love Westworld. I'm a huge fan of it. But it's weird to me that it's 30 years in the future, but everything is pretty standard. Like the way they're doing everything with a tablet and everything, the way they're walking around their apartments, it all looks kind of the same. Whereas if you go to 1970 and you look at 1970 as opposed to the year 2000,

there's a giant difference in that 30 years. I would think that whatever the fuck, I mean, if they're that close, they made these goddamn robots and then 30 years later, they're still fairly similar. Like get the fuck out of here like 30 years later you have you still you guys are still using ipads like really is that what's going on like you haven't transcended into new dimensions we're not walking through artificial black holes that you make with your blender now i mean 30 years from now someone could create some mind-numbing world world-changing shit. It's not just going to be a robot you can fuck or shoot.

It's going to probably be over. That's the only suspension of disbelief thing that fucks with me is that they've been doing that park for 30 years. Yeah, after watching it and having theories on it, that could be like maybe. That's all they've shown us so far. It might not be the actual what's going on. You don't want to hear my theory? What's up?

How come when, spoiler alert, if you cut them open, you see the robot parts? One of them. But when you're building them, no, no. When ones were murdered, when he murked all those people and chopped them all up, remember that? It was scenes you see like robot parts sticking out of people. They were all laying down. The whole scene was. I remember seeing the inside of the horse, the chick.

Forget who... Anyway, there was that. Yeah, there was that. But when you watch them construct the things, you don't see any of that stuff. You see synthetic bone or something like that. Exactly. So what the fuck is going on, Jamie?

That's what I'm saying. Did you see that last scene where they show the girl's arm ripped off? I know. Did you hear that they're not going to... Red Band told me this. They're not going to do season two until 2018? Well, I mean, they have announced that they're going to do it,

and they probably have to, it's 2017 now, basically. They have to film it. By 2018, you think Burt will still be fat? 100%. Absolutely. You're really committed to this. Of course, man. He's a guy with feelings.

I know, and I love him. He's one of my best friends. I would do anything for that guy. If you could get inside his head and change him, would you get him to stop drinking? No. What about after January 3rd? Definitely not. No?

I want him to be happy. The only way he'll be happy is if he keeps drinking. Absolutely. Maybe, with new technology, they'll figure out a way to fix your liver. Maybe. They'll have a stem cell liver cleanse And they'll just pump that shit in there Way Way into the Burt is thin future

Maybe they'll do something like that And maybe Burt will have to drink more Because his liver will be so good Yeah That the booze won't last Right It gets sober up in like 20 minutes You gotta start fucking partying harder

He's a fun guy to party with Oh yeah he is Have you ever seen him do stand-up with a shirt on? Yes, back in the day. How many times? I saw him for a while doing it. He used to do it. He only started doing that, I feel like, about two years ago, maybe three.

I feel like it's fairly recent in the time that I've known him and seen him do stand-up. And since then, have you ever seen him do stand-up with a shirt on? No. I haven't either. Yeah. But it works. It's almost like part of the persona, you know? Well, it's like I forget when he didn't used to.

Dude, is he bigger than you or is it just me? No, man. No, we're about the same. About the same size. How does his pants stay right above his dick like that? That seems impossible. It seems like... There's a belt.

There's a belt right there. Yeah, but that's a different photo. Oh, look at Moshe. That's Moshe Kasher showing his goods. He's got tighty-whities. Moshe's a funny guy, too, man. He's got a new show coming out on Comedy Central. Yeah, that's a really cool idea.

I'm sure it will be. Bringing him back to talk show. He's a very smart dude. Yeah. Very, very smart dude. Yeah. Very, very smart. Is that Brian Callen showing his abs with Burt Kreischer? Right below that?

Is that Eddie Ift? Oh, it's Eddie Ift. See, I'm so sorry, Brian. But when that's a little tiny image, it does look like Brian Callen. Tell me it doesn't. Damn, look at Eddie. Eddie's shredded. So is Burt. Looks good there.

No, that's not true at all. Eddie is in that CrossFit shit. Oh, is he? Loves CrossFit. Bert's just got that bloated, distended thing, though. Well, that's booze. That's what I'm saying. That's it.

There's no way he can get out of that? I think he could. What's he down to now? What's he claiming? I don't know, because he hasn't claimed in a minute. Well, here's a photo that he keeps bringing up of him back when he was real thin. When he was real young, like in college. That's hilarious.

He keeps bringing that one up. But getting back to that, bro. And he did his promo for last week where he used a 10 to 15-year-old picture, but he just put it with the date and the, you know? And he was so much thinner in it. It was ridiculous. But he was just like, I'll be here this week. That's hilarious.

Really funny. Yeah. It's not. Really funny. Yeah. It's not fun when you watch your body get big and fat and you can't turn it around. Yeah. I mean, you can. Well, not everybody. I'm saying that, like, we're in a position to do it. That's why I think this is a good thing.

Well, everybody can. I think. Look. Wow. That's ridiculous. Yeah. That's like 2,000. It's weird that he decided to use that picture.

Maybe he's trying to fuck with you. He was. Oh, absolutely. Trying to let you know. Do you know what he did? Oh, I didn't tell you what he did. This is so fucking funny. So this is it.

This is what I was going to tell you. Congrats on the new house, The Rock. Did he really get a package from The Rock? Burnt Chrysler sent me a box of cookies, and that was the card. Because he's tagged The Rock on a few things, and The Rock has retweeted it and mentioned him. And he told me about it, so then he sent me a box of cookies to the house, and it said, Congrats on the new house, The Rock. So that was Burnt trying to fuck with me, having me eat cookies, and then it's coming from The Rock.

Got it. So I gave them away immediately. Good for you, dude. Of course, man. Good for you. Yeah, we're in a battle, dude. Yeah, I eat sugar-free pudding. Don't.

No? No. Every time I eat them, I'm just going to fucking trick my body with this sugar-free pudding. Yeah. It's got high protein. It's high-protein sugar-free pudding. There's something that it does to your ass. Oh, really?

There's something that happens. Kind of stinky? Oh, really? There's something that happens. Kind of stinky? When it mixes up with real food. Yeah. It's a gang fight between fucking sugar free. Maybe I'm eating the wrong kind. I don't know. Maybe there's a good one out there.

My dumps are less horrific in the last 30 days for sure. I'm sure. Yeah. Well, the more salad you eat, the more it's going to be real smooth. Yeah. That's a big one with people. People that just eat meat, man, you're doing your body a disservice. You've got to eat a lot of vegetables.

So important. People don't want to do it because, god damn it, if you've got a cheeseburger with blue cheese on it and you see the blood just kind of dripping onto the bun, put some jalapenos on that bitch, maybe some mayonnaise, some thick fucking dark red tomatoes, and some juicy iceberg lettuce, and you want to get busy with that cheeseburger. For sure.

That's my favorite, I think. I think you should eat a half of one. Take it from me, the guy who eats three meals. Yeah. Just eat a half a cheeseburger. Just put it away. Yeah. Eat a salad.

Salad's good. I like salad. Fuck yeah. Yeah, I'm going in on it, man. Do you ever do kale shakes? No. Time to step it up. Do you ever do kale shakes? No. Time to step it up. Step it up to kale shakes? Time to step up your game.

Let's make a video. Okay. Make a video. I'll bring the ingredients over to your house, and I'll bring you a Blendtec blender as a housewarming gift. Shit. You need one of these. This is what we're going to do.

I'm going to show you how to make them so they taste good, and then I'm going to show you how I do it. Yours tastes like shit? Brutal. Okay. They're brutal. And then I'm going to show you how I do it. Yours tastes like shit?

Brutal. Okay. They're brutal. But I swear to God, you'll drink this and you'll want to run up the side of a fucking mountain and punch a mountain lion right in the dick. You eat this every morning? Woo! No, no, no, no. I don't think it's smart to eat a lot of the same things all the time. I think it's good to mix it up a little bit.

But when I do do it, I feel it. I mean, I always drink, like you saw when I came in here, I was eating a big salad. I always eat salads. I'm eating a lot of vegetables. But the amount of nutrition that you get in a kale shake, like think about like, this is what I take. This is my recipe. I take four big stalks of kale. Four? Yeah, four. Chop that shit up. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Then I take a cucumber. Chop that bitch up. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Then I take a giant chunk of ginger.

Giant. Like, almost like a pager. Like a half a pager. Like a half a pager is good. Throw that bitch in there. Four cloves of garlic. Get in there, bitch. Four cloves. Four cloves. And I used to go with a full pear, but then I go with a half a pear now. Now I go half a pear. You don't get diarrhea immediately oh you should you should

okay that's gonna be part of the fun okay then on top of that four stalks of celery or two excuse me two stalks of celery and then MCT oil MCT oil is important because in order for you to buy your body to accurately process like to get the most like more efficiently process vitamins. You want them to be attached to fats in a lot of cases. A lot of different vitamins. Your body absorbs them better with fats. And MCT oil is a healthy fat, and it's good for brain function, a lot of other different

things. That's where it gets tricky. You can't put too much in. Oh. Because if you put too much in your asshole well really yeah it just protests yeah it protests it goes on a riot you go on an asshole riot like i've had some asshole riots where you you you're walking like towards the bathroom and you all of a sudden out of nowhere like you have to take a shit yeah and you go like oh well i'll

go in the bathroom and you're like oh my god i I'll go in the bathroom. And you're like, oh, my God, I'm not going to make it. You see the bathroom, and you're like, whoa, whoa. I don't know what the number is, but to me, caution. Error on the side of caution with the MCT oil. Maybe just a couple of tablespoons full is plenty. If it's oil, there's this weird restaurant I used to go to on the east side, Don Felix Peruvian Place, and they would make this dish called lomo saltado, which is so good. It's a hardcore lomo saltado. That sounds like you should be on Narcos.

Man, it's a fucking traditional Peruvian dish with meat, potato, like chopped up fries basically, tomatoes, rice, but they would make it on a pan with lots of oil. I used to be able to fart songs like like with total control you know i could be like because of so much oil in my system it's probably really good for you yeah you got to try this man i'll take you to this place if you want to go did you see that article that was released that showed that the sugar companies in the 1950s were bribing scientists to report that it was saturated fat that was causing people to get sick and have heart attacks? Don't talk about sugar.

It was the 50s, right? 60s. 60s. And we've been saying that ever since. So 50 years ago, someone lied. Look at that. Isn't that? It's crazy because all these years, people have like automatically connected saturated fat and heart disease, saturated fat and all these problems.

But there's like a need that your body has for saturated fat. For sure. A lot of these scientists that did this, they just fucking lied. They were paid off by the sugar industry to make it seem like saturated fat was what's fucking people up. However, someone just sent me, Dr. Rhonda Patrick actually, just sent me something, an article that there's a new study that came out that shows that the real problem they think now with saturated fats is when saturated fats are mixed with processed foods. That processed foods and saturated fats together as a combination, like processed sugars and things along those lines,

mixed with saturated fats can be very bad for you. Right. So it's just you can go on the fat kick, but don't mix it with that sugar. Right. But we were talking about this before the podcast, or we were talking about the beginning of the podcast, the protein thing. It was before the podcast. No, before the podcast, yeah.

It's all moderation. It's all balance. Like, you can't have too much protein. Yes. If you eat too much protein, your body starts to convert it to sugar. Dude, that's what I was doing with meat all the time. Yeah. I was having way too big of portions, then you see like what a recommended portion of this

and then you go you're like oh that's that's not bad that's normal i was just eating too much of it too much protein you want to be on like if you want to do you're trying to do a fat burning ketogenic diet so i think they they say it's 75 percent um 75 fats right and then the rest is like 20 protein it's 5% carbs. It's like 15% carbs. Yeah, yeah. Is that what it is? That's about it, yes.

Somewhere around those numbers. But we have one of those. Grab one of those Myoplex bags, Jamie, that we got in the back. There's this new company. Not new company. It's an old-ass company. They've been around forever. I have no affiliation with these people, and this is not an ad.

It's like a keto-friendly powder? Yeah, they make like a pack. Yeah. And it's a keto meal that you could like shake it. Like if you're on the go and you don't want to fuck up and eat something, see those things right there? Yep. I ordered these.

Yeah. I got a cinnamon one. They don't taste bad. So it's like 75% fat, 20% protein, 5%. It's, by the way, it's a lot of powder. Yeah. If you try to put this in eight ounces, it's a fucking ton. Yeah, I put it in one of those Yeti tumblers, and I mix it up with carbonated water like an asshole.

Oh, really? Yeah. This is how stupid I am. Did you find that in there? Did you see that mug in there? I got this new soda from this company called Zevia. Have you ever had that shit? This is a big ad that's not an ad.

They make soda with stevia. Okay. So they have soda. They have like energy drinks and they have this sparkling water. How is it? It's good. Yeah. I like stevia.

If you like the flavor of stevia, it's good because it's kind of got like a flavor to it, but it doesn't fuck with you. You know, if I still love a Coca-Cola, I mean, I know it's kind of syrupy and fucked up, but you're eating ribs. You know nothing better come on I'm sorry One of them's a peach and one of them's a lime. Those are the sparkling water ones So those are like very very mild and they have other ones that are like a soda I'm gonna try one get open get done get down with it Tommy pass me one of those bitches Yeah, I got past I'm trying I'm going to try one. Get open. Get done. Get down with it, Tommy. Pass me one of those bitches. What do you got?

Pass me the green one. I'm trying mandarin orange. I'm giving you lime. But, and again, this is not an ad, folks. I don't own Zevia. But I think it's super important to just try. I mean, even if it's one time for a bet like Tommy's doing it, just not bad. Just try to be fucking healthy.

Try. Yeah. Try, goddammit. You'll feel better. That's the thing is ultimately even if you don't get to like some crazy level, your fantasy level of it, you're still doing better than you were. You still will feel better. You want to get down with the Hulk loads? Yeah, man.

I want to try it. That's the kale shake. It's called the Hulk loads. Hulk loads. I remember. I've heard that. Yeah. You got to try them. You're going to drink. It's called Hallclothes. Yeah, Hallclothes. I remember. I've heard that. Yeah. You got to try it.

You're going to drink it and you're going to go, holy shit, because you have to kind of chew it as you're swallowing it. Yeah. It's like a sludgy sort of a thing. Yeah. You got to kind of choke it down. And then we'll work out. We'll make a video.

Okay. We'll do it. And then we'll like, 45 minutes later, we'll work out. You're going to be like, holy shit. All right. Dude, I feel good. Heavy bag. I got the heavy bag. Let's going to be like, holy shit. Dude, I feel good. Heavy bag. I got the heavy bag. Let's do that.

I got hex squats. Let's do that shit. Ecliptical. How about we'll do that and then I'll do your podcast. Let's do it. Let's switch it up. Let's do it. Are you guys up and running in the new spot? Oh yeah. Oh shit. Oh it's ready man. Oh shit. Are you enjoying it? Love it. Do you guys stream live? No.

Do you make videos and then you put it up later we have we we have cameras we've had two cameras set up one camera set up um where i give it to an editor afterwards okay and he um he just layers up the uh the you know the high quality audio with the video oh okay later yeah but we put it up, it goes up every Tuesday night. Okay. So tonight when we'll go out. So are you guys doing one a week now or are you doing two? It's one a week every single,

yeah, we do. I mean, it's pretty, it sounds funny because we've talked about, like, fucking it feels like there's not time to do anything. You know, like, we feel like it's a lot

to get that one done. And there is a lot of production in that, like, you know, we play the clips and there's all that stuff that goes into it. And then we'll talk about, like, dude, one is demanding on us. And then we'll be like, you know, we play the clips and there's all that stuff that goes into it. And then we'll talk about like, dude, one is demanding on us. And then we'll be like, oh, Joe did three, three and a half hour ones this week.

Yeah, but I'm super sloppy and I don't plan out. Well, I'm just saying, you know, it ends up being totally different in shows. But yeah, we do the one consistently every single week. Well, you have a show. Yeah. I mean, your show is a real every single week. Well, you have a show. Yeah. I mean, your show is a real show. This is like a recording of a conversation. I got it.

That's true. That's true. So you guys have like a bunch of shit going on that happens over and over again. You have games you play. Absolutely. Yeah. It's a different animal. You're totally right.

But yeah, I love the new studio space. It's fucking gorgeous. It's a film composer's house. so he used to score movies there. And we have this much too nice studio for where we're doing our fart show. Do you guys have the kind of internet where you could stream at a high level? Yeah, if we went hardwire, yeah, we could do that, sure. Yeah. There's a benefit to that.

There's a benefit to that if anything is getting wacky. Yeah. You know, in the world, maybe. Oh, right. You're doing immediate. Maybe you want to stream something live. Yeah. Like, Duncan and I, once, we streamed the president addressing the country.

Do you still do Ustream? Uh-uh. No, we just do YouTube. We're doing YouTube right now. Oh, it's YouTube Live. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

It was just more versatile. Yeah. And it didn't mess up as much. We had problems. Yeah. But I think Ustream YouTube right now. Oh, it's YouTube Live. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It was just more versatile. Yeah. And it didn't mess up as much. We had problems. Yeah. But I think Ustream's better now. But they're always upgrading. And it was great, though.

I mean, it still, it allowed us to do this in the first place. But YouTube also, it's just more used by people. So we watched the president talk about Syria. Like Duncan and I watched it live, and we were talking about it live while it was happening. Wow. Almost like a fight companion presidential address. And it was just real weird, man. Those fight companions are massive, right?

Those go nuts. Those are fun as hell. Yeah. Those are really fun to do. Yeah. But every time we do them, Eddie Bravo gets drunk and wants to talk about the illuminati that's like half the fun of it the conversation goes everywhere the conversation goes everywhere but eddie bravo will always bring it around to conspiracy theories he loves it is he still on to the chemtrails oh yeah yeah aerosol spraying

they're spraying which you know it's probably been done yeah somewhere at one point in time for sure listen 100 someone went in a plane and dumped. At one point in time, for sure. Listen, 100%. Someone went in a plane and dumped some shit out of the plane. Yeah. For sure. For sure the government's done it somewhere. For sure. For sure there's probably some evil agency somewhere that has decided to fucking test out some shit on people.

Yeah. And there's been stuff that's been proven, that's been done. some shit on people. Yeah. And there's been stuff that's been proven, that's been done. I want to say it was either Detroit or Chicago. I forget what it was. But they sprayed some particles that they could track. They sprayed it into the air in the city to determine what kind of impact a bomb, like a dirty bomb,

or biological warfare, something along those lines, either a nuclear fallout or biological warfare, like how far it would travel given a certain amount of wind. So I think they actually used giant fans and shit and blew some stuff in the air and then tracked it. Let's see how many people get sick. I don't think they did that, though. No, no, no, no. Let's see how many people get sick. I don't think they did that though. They didn't, they didn't, they,

no, no, no, no. That's where the misconception is. I think what they did was a, they used a trackable particle because they wanted to figure out how much, the only way to find out,

like say, look, the wind is blowing 20 miles an hour. Some shit gets blown up 200 miles or 200 feet rather above the buildings. How far is it going to spread? Yeah. You know, if you're looking at that, the only way to tell is to try out something.

So they took some sort of, I think it was like a reflective particle or a traceable particle. So conspiracy theorists always point to that as being like proof that they have done that on innocent people. Sure. Which they definitely did. I mean, I don't know what happened to those people. But shit happens to people all the time.

Of course. If you're too close to this or too close to that, and then they find out, oh, yeah, that kills you. Turns out you can't do that. Yeah, unreal. Turns out you can't eat paint. A lot of people do dumb shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, did you see that video I put up with that kid doing a fucking front flip over this gigantic overpass? I saw you, some dude on top of a building doing retarded shit. I've done those. I saw you, some dude on top of a building doing retarded shit. I've done those. I mean, I put those up. I put them up every time I can, but I reposted this one of this fucking kid. He goes running up to the side of this edge and then flips over this impossible distance. I mean, it's fucking impossible how far he runs. Watch this.

Oh, my God. Come on. Yep. That's not real. It's a hundred percent real. Look at him do it. Dude, he did a front flip over, uh, like that's death. Like if you miss, that's death. You hit that concrete, you break your legs. That's death. Fuck me, man. These kids are crazy. They're doing the nuttiest shit lately. It's like white people are trying to evolve. White people are trying to get crazier and faster.

We need an edge, bro. We need our edge. White people are doing ridiculous things. Asians got the numbers. Blacks have their music Look at this guy He's riding a rail over the side of a fucking bridge And the wind is blowing And he's on a bike

What in the fuck is going through your mind While you are risking certain death Just slightly to the left of you And you're riding on What is that three inches How wide is that About the size of your dick and you're riding on, what is that, three inches? How wide is that? Three inches, about the size of your dick?

About three inches? I'm more of two and change. You're girthy? Yeah. No, I'm definitely thinner. I'm thin and curly. Like a duck's dick? Yeah, man. Goes around and around.

Have you ever seen a duck's dick? I haven't. I think I've seen a pig's dick. Maybe I saw a duck's dick. My friend Andreas Antonopoulos, his Bitcoin expert, explained to me about duck dicks. He gave me slightly wrong information. He said they were like four feet long.

Turns out they are about 13 inches long, though. That's a big old dick. Big old hog. Yeah. Yeah, they have these crazy dicks, and their dicks are like, when they're extended out, they're like almost as long as their body. It's really weird. Wow.

And these ducks, their dicks are twisty. Yeah. And the female duck's vagina is dicks are twisty. Yeah. And the female duck's vagina is like a fucking twisty mountain road. And like, he's got to find a way in. Work that dick in there. And the female can let him in. That's what their dick looks like. Yeah. Yeah. That's one obviously with no duck. Yeah. That's a homeless dick. But that's what I'm looking at. Look at that. Isn't that insane? Yeah. The pictures of these ducks, that's what... Look at that thing. Look at that. Isn't that insane? Yeah. The pictures of these ducks. That's a little bit exaggerated because it's an illustration.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a real duck. It's like a corkscrew. And that one's... Obviously, he's dead, so it's probably not hard. Right? But it's this crazy, weird thing where the male penis has to go through this weird kind of twisty, turny corridor in the female duck and the female duck can decide to let him in or not so you just shut him down and they're super

rapey like yeah look at that one white one on top of the other one that one bird look at that that's look at that just that's what they do they just jack each other yeah it looks like he's talking shit too he's right over here and we can look at them and we can say, oh, that's rude. That's horrible. Why don't we stop and pause and realize this is the same fucking kind of animal that we just saw swoop down and jack that other fucking bird right out of a tree? What distance do you think he saw that bird from when he decided? Probably a long way.

They could probably see like a mile. That far? Yeah, they probably could see ridiculous distances. There far? Yeah, they probably could see ridiculous distances. There's a lot of animals that could see ridiculous distances. A turkey apparently has insane vision. They say a turkey, you ever look through binoculars? Like, you ever been glassing? I have.

I've glassed before. Yeah. Well, let me. On boats mostly. Let me give you some glassing knowledge, Tommy. Yeah. Your average binoculars that a hunter or sportsman or a bird watcher will take in the woods,

like there's a bunch of varieties. For hunting, usually people either go with like 10 by 42 or 8 by 42. It's like eight times the size, and 42 is like the aspect ratio, right? The width of the image that you're looking at. Like a good pair of binoculars is like a 10 by 42. A turkey naturally sees 20X.

So a turkey naturally sees 20 times better than you. Really? Yep. Yep. And they see in full color. So they could see you. They see you. They see you better than you see you.

So you literally have to be completely covered up if you want to hunt turkeys. You have to cover your face up. You have to cover your face up. You have to cover your hair up. So they turn that head. They look right at you. They know, that's a person. Let me get the fuck out of here. They see you from way off.

Wow. Because the life of a turkey is so brutal, most turkeys don't get to be two. Really? Most of them. Yeah, most of them that survive at all, like when they're little, coyotes jack them. No idea they had that kind of vision. Insane vision. Yeah. Yeah, insane. My vision's been deteriorating. Mine too. No idea they had that kind of vision. Insane vision. Yeah.

Yeah, insane. My vision's been deteriorating. Mine too. I started wearing reading glasses. Me too. Yeah. It's brutal. My dad glasses, yeah.

Yeah. I just accepted it. Yeah, me too. I'm not fighting it. It is what it is. Apparently there's some exercises that you can do to get better at it, but I'm so lazy. People try to convince you to do LASIK? No.

LASIK doesn't work on someone who has macular degeneration, like when you get older. Like what you're having when you get older, when you're losing your close vision. You know, it's like your body. I forget. Somebody told me the actual term of it. Like my friend Steve, who's an ophthalmologist,

he actually told me the term of it. Ocular degeneration, maybe? I'm looking up treatments for macular degeneration. Laser therapy is one. You can have injections into your eye. Google, instead of that, Google nearsightedness due to old age. Do you know what the latest technology is, by the way? Fake eyes? They're going to give you what the latest technology is, by the way? Fake eyes?

They're going to give you eyes? You can stare straight in the sun? My ophthalmologist told me he was part of the team that developed it. They sew lenses, corrective lenses, into your eyes now. Are you down with that? No. He was like, you don't need it. He told me, I don't know.

He goes, you don't need it. He goes, but if you had worse vision, it's definitely something we would do Here's the thing like when you looking at something like I see you perfectly mm-hmm I mean if I put glasses on I'll probably see you a little better like let me say Slightly you've got a like a light dullness to you. I put the personality wise no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no, no. Your personality is amazing. A lot of people have been shitting on you lately. I don't know why. Hey, man. That's one of them backhanded fuck with your head compliments. Dude, a lot of people say you suck. I don't agree at all. I think you're amazing. I've always had a thing for you.

What the fuck, dude? But up close, big difference. Like at a distance, I can see crystal clear. Like that sign that says on air, I see that. It's very sharp. Yeah. But when I look at things like on my phone. Same way, man.

Reading computers, phones. I used to be able to read it perfectly. on my phone, same way, man, reading computers, I used to be able to read it perfectly. It snuck up on me, man. Snuck up on me. Some people say it's from staring at screens. Some people say it's just a function of being older. Yeah. Some people say that there's a combination of factors, but also one thing that doesn't help is that we're constantly staring at something that's a fixed distance. Right. And, uh, the way some people put it is that it's like, who is the woman? Katie Bowman. Katie Bowman, when she was on the podcast, she's an expert in human movement.

And she believes she's got a lot of pretty nutty ideas. Like they don't use furniture. They sleep on the floor. Yeah. And she thinks that looking at something that's really close distance is like having a cast for your eyes almost. Like you can put your arm in a cast, it atrophies. Right. Because you're not using it the right way.

We've been like this for years. Yeah, we've been looking at screens. That's not a bad theory at least. Dude, I got super baked once and Aubrey and I did a podcast. I went off on this tangent that's been fucking with me ever since. We were talking about screens, that if you looked at human beings and if you didn't know anything about us you'd be like oh they worship the screens yeah because all we do you get up in the morning you check your phone you check your email you go to work you stare at your screen in a in a cubicle you come home you watch a little tv you go on the weekend oh we're gonna go see a flick you're

staring at fucking screens like if something that didn't understand yeah yeah something that didn't understand what is what those images were or didn't care or was trying to judge you based on entirely on your actual movement and interaction they would be like oh my god they're slaves to the screen yeah like they don't even understand we have to get in these screens well we're slaves to watching these screens if you stop and think about how often you spend your time staring at a screen, it's significant It's a giant. Yeah, it's hours and hours of almost everybody's life when you put it that way. It's depressing too. It's really depressing It's weird. Yeah, it's weird because it's not staring at the screen. We're watching Westworld. I'm checking my Twitter I'm checking my email. I'm taking a photo. I'm gonna put it on Instagram. Let's make a video

Hey, let's make a video of you eating the kale shake. Let's put it on YouTube. But what's ultimately going on is people are interacting with screens to get all this energy. And you want a better screen all the time. You want to constantly have this bitch faster and upgrade it. And it wants to do more things. And now it's virtual. Now you can get the screen and it's in your head.

You can see 360 degrees all around you. And then it's just more and more and more screens. now it's virtual. Now you can get the screen and it's in your head. You can see 360 degrees all around you. And then it's just more and more and more screens. All right, man. You fucking scared me. Are you happy now? I'm going to spark this joint back up. Oh, my God. Freaking myself out, bro.

Yeah. Do you worry about screens, Tommy? Worry about them haunting you? No. Do they call you at night? Check your phone. No, I want to be in screen. Somebody might have texted in the night.

I want to be in screen to now. I do look at screens. I get yelled at for checking the phone too much. No, I want to be in screen. Somebody might have texted in the night. I want to be in screen to now. I do look at screens. I get yelled at for checking the phone too much. Yeah, I do. I was proud of myself today. Just for not checking? I left my phone in the car when I took my yoga class. And then you?

Ran out to it afterwards. Yeah, yeah. Just check. Yeah. Make sure some new crazy shit's been going on in the world. It's addictive. So addictive. Yeah.

It's a real addiction, too. I see it. It's a scene I always talked about. It's a real addiction, too. I see it. Christina always talks about it. We're at restaurants, and you see the family together. Oh, yeah, constantly. Probably looking at my family. Yeah, that kid is. Probably looking at me. The kid is like, da-da-da.

There's no interaction at the table. Well, when we're at, all bullshit aside, when they get tired, like when kids get tired, this is what you find too. No, it's good. You can kill that. And especially if you want to have a conversation. It's not a bad thing to occasionally let them look at an iPad or play a game, like if it's on a plane or something like that. Sure.

But oftentimes, you can get the same kid, especially if they like books, just give them a book to read. So instead of sitting there playing a game, which is kind of mindless, they're reading a book, which can kind of expand their imagination. However, there's also some arguments against that it's mindless. Because there's a lot of arguments about video games that although video games are kind of problematic for little kids because they do just become super addictive, they also can expand your mind. And they're also, there's examples of people that have done tests that have shown that video games actually can make you smarter because they make you constantly exercising parts of your brain to solve problems.

Dude, I don't doubt that at all. Yeah. I mean, like, I haven't- Depends on the game, right? Depends on the game. Depends on, yes, on on the system maybe you know but like there's definitely games you can play where i feel like there's something going on in your brain when you're efficient you're prolific you're you're at a higher level performing in that game yeah where if you put somebody slower into the same game they they can't do it.

They're not moving at that. I'm not saying that that means you're going to be great at everything, but there's something in your brain functioning, moving well, to be able to put together how to play this game and play it really high level. Yeah, man. And there's people that you can teach. I mean, have you ever tried to show someone how to play a game and they just can't get it? Yeah. You can't get it. Yeah. They don't know how to do it or they don't have any desire so they never try yeah that's i mean but i've seen people try which i think stands out more you know they just are not good at it you know you go you need a lot more practice whereas some people can just

pick up you know and i think those people come from a world of playing growing up, right? Like imagine today's kid who's born now playing these level games that are out now. How he's going to be fluent in that whole technology, cyber stuff in 15, 20 years. Yeah, you got to work them through it, right? Yeah. Like my six-year-old is just now figuring out that she can't beat me in tic-tac-toe. Really? She's like, this motherfucker, I can't beat him. I'm like, you're never going to win.

I go, it's going to be a draw every time. Really? Yeah. She's like, why? I go, because it's a dumb game. It's a dumb game that puzzles you when you're young. But as you get older, you realize tic-tac-toe is fucking stupid. Unless you can make two moves in a row, it's fucking dumb.

Yeah. You know, because you do this. Oh, I'm going to see. You're going to go over here, so I'll do that. I'll do that, yeah. And you do this. Oh, well, I'm going dumb. Yeah. You know, because you do this. Oh, I'm going to see. You're going to go over here, so I'll do that. I'll do that, yeah. And you do this. Oh, well, I'm going to go over here, so you can't do that. And then, oh, well, draw.

There's another draw. And you draw every time? Every time. And she never loses, is there? No, I don't let her screw up. Oh, okay, okay. I've beaten her before. Yeah.

But now I offer some sort of a path. I'm like, think about what's going on here. Oh, she goes, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's cool. I give her a little pause. I don't go, oh, you fucked up. Right, right. You suck.

You don't do that. I try to teach her along the way, because she's only six. If she's 16 and I'm still kicking her ass at tic-tac-toe, listen, dummy. Yeah. What a waste tuition was on your ass. The only way someone beats you at tic-tac-toe is if you're not paying attention, right?

True. Yeah, you have to miss something if you're keyed into it. Unless there's some crazy move that I don't know about. I haven't played in a while, so it's hard to say, actually. Is there a world tic-tac-toe championship? I'm sure there is. If you had to guess. Yes.

How smart is the person that won it? Fucking genius. Stephen Hawking level shit. Who was he playing? Neil deGrasse Tyson. Imagine Neil deGrasse Tyson and Richard Dawkins. Do you say that at the end of Tic-Tac-Toe? Forget.

Is that supposed to be the call of the winner? Yeah, you're supposed to say Tic-Tac-Toe, I guess, but nobody ever does. It's like Trick or Treat. The little fuckers just show up with open bags. Put it in, man. Stare at you. You got Snickers? I got that.

It's weird when you see that one kid that's just a little too old for trick-or-treat. Starts to get creepy. It's like, trick-or-treating is fun up until about 16. How do you handle it in your neighborhood? Give them candy. No, but do you have everyone come to the front door?

Do you end it like, it's a whole thing? Yeah, they ring doorbells, and we go walking around the neighborhood too It's fun Kids fucking love it Yeah well Halloween Well no Some places they do it like

You know there's like The kids will go out the day before If it's like Depending on the day of the week You know You can't do that No You gotta do Halloween when it's Halloween

You motherfuckers I haven't been out in a while What are you trying to take over America? I know. There's a coup going on. Haven't you been paying attention? The Russians have canceled Halloween. Motherfuckers.

I just thought about how dumb my question was. So would you have a day that you do it? And you go, yeah, it's Halloween. It's fucking Halloween. It's pot, man. It's goddamn pot. It's terrible for you. Terrible, man.

It just makes you dumb. It makes you ask questions you should have thought through. Yeah, like what day is Halloween? The same day every year? That's the weird thing about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is not the same day every year, right? Because it's on Thursday always. Right, so the number, right, the date, it's always that third Thursday, is it?

What kind of stupid shit is that? Why is it fucking Thursday? Why are you pretending that those goddamn pilgrims ever sat down with those Native Americans like that? That shit didn't happen. They didn't even speak the same language. Those original people that landed. Have you ever read some of the accounts of Christopher Columbus's atrocities that he committed? I know that there's a lot of people that are appalled by, you know.

Columbus Day? Yeah, for sure. How is it still a day? I think it's outrageous. Do you ever think about what you learned in school about Thanksgiving? How nice they made it? How do we not have a Native American day, but we have a Columbus Day? That's really outrageous.

Yeah, I know. And Thanksgiving, they used to be like, and then this guy was like, are you eating alone? Sit over here. And then that's how they became best friends. Like, that's how they taught. That's what they taught us in school. And then that's how they became best friends. Like that's how they taught, that's what they taught us in school. And they ate turkey.

Yeah. And then they were like, even though you're different, let's all hang out. Let me tell you something, they weren't shooting many turkeys. Yeah.

Unless the turkeys didn't know any better. Right. Like as soon as the turkeys figured out what the fuck they were doing, they were like, oh yeah,

yeah, you can't shoot us like that. We're just gonna fucking fly away. over that meadow like. Yeah. They had those shitty guns, those musket guns. They had those shitty guns, those musket guns.

They had those flints and shit. Yeah. Those things were inaccurate. Push it down. Yeah. Well, not in the distance. I mean, I don't know how far they could shoot those things, but they were shooting deer, most likely.

They were eating deers. Yeah. Thanksgiving should be more like the fucking purge, right? It should be just a bloodbath holiday. You get to kill everybody. It's Thanksgiving, just like our ancestors did. You get to kill everybody. It's Thanksgiving. Just like our ancestors did. Well, it's not our ancestors.

Mine came over in a boat pretty recently. I could track mine. Really? Yeah. So if anybody says, like, hey, man, you know, your ancestors... Nope. They didn't do anything. Didn't own any slaves. Came over from Italy in the 1900s. I tracked mine back to the 1700s.

That's when they came over here? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're a killer. Your whole family's responsible for atrocities. This guy, actually, we got a report on him at a family reunion. Oh, shit. We had, like, this... The guy who came over?

Yeah. What was he like? They said he was a real piece of shit. It kind of ruined the family reunion. Yeah. It was not real cool. What did he do? Murdered somebody. Oh, my Yeah. It was not real cool. What did he do? Murdered somebody.

Oh my god. It was a Spanish guy. He came from Andalusia. And he, uh, yeah, he really, they said, you know, they read his, um, his will. And they're like, and then he left 30 slaves to this person. And they're like, oh, you want to get another drink? This is getting uncomfortable. Like that kind of, and then they said he, uh, killed somebody

in Louisiana. And they're like, and he hung someone from this tree. And it was like a, like a real savage dude. Wow. Yeah. That's in your blood and you're the nicest guy ever. I know, man. How'd that happen?

I don't know. But you know, that's my granddad. Great granddad or granddad? Oh no, this is like great, great, great, great. I'm like, damn, how old do your people live? No, no. 10 greats, man. It's, it's super removed from me. Like, that's amazing. I'm like, damn, how old do your people live? No, no, 10 greats, man. It's super removed from me.

That's amazing. Your people live forever. No, this guy would come over in early 1700s. It's so weird to think that a human being gets, if they're super, super lucky, they get like 90 years of life. Yeah. And while that life is going on, you're just trying to figure out what's happening. What are you doing? Why are we gathering together in these cities?

Why are we going to work? Why are we going home and going to sleep? Why are we doing this? What are we doing? Why are we staring at screens? Why am I bringing slaves? Did you ever think about, as you get older, staying as a funny comic? You know what I mean?

Did that ever occur to you? What does that mean? Like there's a, like you hang. Maybe you should try to be funny. Maybe you should plan on being funny. No. Have you ever thought about being a funny comedian?

Have you ever thought about being funny? So I'm saying that like in general, we have this sort of outlook that being funny, comedy in general, I'm saying is a younger person's kind of thing, right? It's, it's up until like a younger person's kind of thing, right? Right. Up until a certain age.

Yes. What is that age? I don't know. Well, it's like there's really funny guys that are 60, like Ron White. 100%, man. I totally agree. I'm saying, did you ever think as you're going through your 40s, like, am I still in that circle? I mean, it sounds like lame to say it, but like cool, funny,

as opposed to like, oh, that guy's older. You know, like do you ever process that as you age? Or no, it's never like a methodical thought, you know? Well, I try not to think like that because that doesn't seem to have any upside. It seems like a very limiting thought. And there's nothing you can do about it if you are an older person but you just to mitigate to cut that off at the path yeah i just try to do my best so i feel like if you're living your life and you're in the moment you're trying to do your best and obviously you're gonna fall out of that back and forth and left and right you're gonna have good days and bad days like when you have a mindset or if you're trying to trying to do your

best at something or trying to uh enjoy your life you know you know like a balanced happy way yeah it's not always a super smooth path you know there's a lot of like mistakes and hiccups along the way and the whole thing is it's about like having an idea of what you're trying to do, have an idea of how you're trying to live and how you want to feel and how you want to affect people, and then sort of figuring out your way through that path. And then as you keep doing it, you keep getting better at it. Sure.

And I think that if that's the case, if you're living your life like that, if you're trying to make this path through your existence, it'll at least leave you in a place where you're constantly trying to have fun and you're constantly trying to improve, and I think you'll get better feelings out of it. Yeah. But at the end of the day, it's still the same thing.

It's still this strange, temporary existence where you're awake and conscious for a certain amount of time every day but then you're unconscious for a certain amount of time every day and you're ultimately going to shut off yeah yeah yeah no it's all going to go down it's a matter of what you're doing but i was looking at these photos of um like red buttons and uh jerry and Jerry Lewis at these events. Like you could buy a ticket to. Okay. So they become undeniably older comics.

Right. And I saw the audience was all very old. And I wondered, like, is this a thing that happened at a moment? Dude, George Carlin. Was 70 and still drawing in. Young guys. Absolutely. Young people, rather. Young women, too. still drawing in- Young guys. Absolutely. Young people, rather.

So that's a great counter to it. But my thought was, so is it that those guys, that's what I'm saying, stopped being funny to a certain generation? Or they stopped trying? Or they just got, I don't know, so old, you know? It could be a bunch of those things. Yeah. It could be taking care of your health. It could be touring and working a lot. George Carlin was touring constantly. Constantly. things. Yeah. It could be taking care of your health. It could be touring and working a lot. George Carlin was touring

constantly. Constantly. Yeah. Yeah. He would put out a whole new hour every year. Unbelievable. Yeah.

And he was still really funny at 70. Like, really funny. Yeah, and he also had taken on the role of the angry curmudgeon. Yeah. You know, this angry,

older comic who's also very wise and very liberal. I love that character. Yeah. I mean, I love that point also very wise and very liberal. I love that character. Yeah. I mean, I love that point of view. Angry, old liberal. It's pretty funny. Fascinating guy.

Yeah. And stayed relevant to the very end of his life and died, I believe, in a hotel room after a show. Yeah. I think he died in his sleep. I think it was one of those things. Had a heart attack. Crazy.

Did he? Yeah. I remember he went to, I want to say a Santa Monica hospital. Well, he had issues with pills too, man. Yeah. He was pretty forthcoming about that. He had some coke problems from earlier. Yeah.

Yeah. All that shit contributes. The pills are the most shocking, the way they deteriorate people. Yeah. He was so funny at 70, man. He was so funny at 70. I. He was so funny at 70. I mean, to think that that dude was 70. Killing.

Still killing. Yeah. Yeah. So are you thinking about this now because you're a father now and you're thinking you're getting older? Are you getting into your 40s? Yeah, sure. It's one of those things that what I actually think is that I'll think about that. I'll look at people older than me.

think is that like I think about that I'll look at but you know people older than me then one of the things that I find inspiring is that I feel like people at the top of their game in stand-up right now are essentially all 10 to 15 years older than me I find that to be a very like inspiring thought you know like everybody is like late 40s even early 50s and you're like oh it's just one of those things you go like, oh, you can be better. You can still do greater things, be funny, like develop more into your 40s. Whereas I think as a young comic, when you're 20, all you hear about is like 10 years, 10 years, 10 years. So you go, that must be the place to get to in 10 years.

So when I'm 30, that'll be my development. But you realize you can keep working. Well, also, you're thinking about the body of stand-up that's been before you. There's so many great comedians that have done so many great CDs and DVDs and all these different things. One of the things that separates you from maybe a guy that lived 20 years ago is that you're also playing off the body of work of all these people that came before you.

True. Because they set this bar and you've been inspired by their comedy and you've been inspired by, you know, movies and all sorts of different pop culture things that just didn't exist 20 years ago. So you have a greater points of reference. True.

You know? Yeah. And I think as you get older, you have a better understanding of all the shit you're looking at. So you might be able to point things out, like as you're in your 40s, that maybe you would have never even seen when you were in your 30s because you were tripping over your own dick and being a dumbass. Sure. You know, and you didn't, your understanding of the world then would embarrass you today. Which, and sometimes it does.

For everybody. Yeah, for sure. For everybody. There's no doubt about it. Unless you're born the perfect person, you're a work in progress. If you have any self-reflection, you look back and you're like, I can't believe I fucking used to think that. But that's just a matter of getting better at life.

True. But there's also nothing wrong with being Jerry Lewis or Red Buttons or any of those guys and just killing time when you get older and hanging out and just stopping the grind. I was thinking about that just in the shower the other day. Like I, I'd seen like a picture of that and I was like, I'm going to be 80 in my fucking red jacket and my fucking, you know, corduroy and I'm going to go and my fans will be like the fans that saw me 50 years ago and I'll just be in there.

Like Rodney. Yeah, man. And I was actually, I was actually happy with that thought too. That's a good thought. Yeah. Yeah. You can't freak on that, man. That is what it is.

It might not even be real. You might wake up tomorrow exactly the same age and you might be programmed with this intermittent memory that every time you wake up, you pretend that you have this past that you're trying to get better than. But the reality is this, this same day has always been your life. Why are you fucking with me? Over and over and over again. So everything that's happened other than this moment, this conversation has been bullshit.

It's all just been fiber optically implanted into that grain in the back of your ear. Does Jamie press a button and then this happens? This is what's happening with trump when trump became president and then when kanye west was a fresh three or four days out of the loony bin goes to visit trump and trump it's like yeah sure it's not like it's not like i'm the president you're crazy come on in but him and him and um donald trump apparently very good friends yeah i saw that it's wonderful i love that i love friendship trump said he doesn't read the daily presidential briefings because he doesn't need them. Probably shouldn't.

He's a genius. Why the fuck does he need the daily presidential briefings? That's our president, folks. Have you seen the Saturday Night Live sketch they did? How Donald Trump views the world? No. It's fucking hilarious. I've seen a couple things.

I hope he can take it as a joke. I hope he doesn't get too mad. That's one problem with that dude is that he doesn't take jokes very well. He gets real upset. I hope he can take it as a joke. I hope he doesn't get too mad. That's one problem with that dude is that he doesn't take jokes very well. He gets real upset. I think he's going to learn, man. He's got to lighten up. It's going to be a long four years. Yeah, you got to lighten up, bro. And he was better.

Jeff Ross had him. They roasted him. I remember. And Jeff Ross had a conversation with him. He's like, you know, when people are cracking jokes about you, like, we turned the camera to you. It looks like you're a bad sport. Like, you're not laughing along. He's like, you're right. So he you, we turn the camera to you, it looks like you're a bad sport. You're not laughing along. He's like, you're right. So he started laughing.

Oh, really? Yeah. So he listens. He gets it. It's not that he's unreceptive. Sure. But when he sees this Saturday Night Live one, it's going to be rough. Yeah.

He got mad at the last few. Yeah. He's been mad at Saturday Night Live for a while, and so they keep chipping away at him. Yeah. But this is like the best Saturday Night Live has been in fucking years. Of course, man. You have somebody to fucking go after. It's fantastic.

And you got Alex Baldwin willing to do it. He's so good. What are the odds? Yeah. Isn't he like an Oscar winner? I think so. How is he not? He's a tremendous actor.

How is he not? Glenn, Gary, Glenn Ross, if he didn't win an Oscar, fuck the Oscars. Yeah. No, he's a tremendous actor. Some people say that was overdone. I don't like that scene. I just thought he was too over the top. That's not how people would behave.

It's a fucking stage play. Some actors say that, though. You ever see that? Some actors think you try too hard. Fine. They don't like it. Go away. Too actory.

Too actory. I've heard people say that. I've seen people overact. They're just too big. What they're doing is too big. It's not our show. He should have been big right there. It's not what we're looking for.

Yeah. I want something more grounded. It's not our show. He should have been big right there. This is not what we're looking for. Yeah. I want to be more grounded. That's the word. Yeah. But Alec Baldwin is the fucking perfect Donald Trump. He's fantastic. It's really fucking funny. Also, Alec Baldwin really understands what it's like to be a cunt sometimes.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Although I don't think he's a cunt. Yeah. He definitely has had moments in his life where he's been accused of being a cunt. Yeah. Remember when he attacked paparazzis and he's a wacky dude

did he punch somebody or something he got accused of calling a paparazzi a fag this was my favorite and then he goes I called him a fathead because it's kind of inaudible because he's screaming down the street he's like I said fathead more fat shaming that's not what you said. But I also.

Oh, yeah. He called his daughter, who was 11, a rude, thoughtless pig. Yeah, that was the big one. That was the big one. Yeah, that was the big one. That's hard. You know what, man? People fuck up.

Yeah, but you can't. What, are you going to punish him forever for that, too? That's terrible that he did that. It really is. I know, but don't you think he feels. Hopefully he feels it after people heard that. For sure. Obviously he's been forgiven by Hollywood.

You feel like shit after that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's awful. That was actually my first, those were my first words to my mother when I was a baby. It's awful? No, I said you're a rude, thoughtless pig. Wow.

Yeah. That's amazing you just formed that sentence like that. I know, I know. What was it that you were like stewing on until your lips formed correctly so you could make good noises? I think it just actually wasn't feeding me enough. It just happened, man. Yeah, imagine if babies could talk right out of the box.

Man. If they had a full vocabulary right out of the box. I'd be right on the line right now. They would be so stupid. Yeah, they don't know anything. Like full babies? They'd be like, monster. I'm like, I'm not a monster, dummy. now. They would be so stupid. Yeah, they don't know anything. Like full babies. They'd be like, monster. I'm like, I'm not a monster, dummy.

I'm your dad. Jesus Christ. They would do everything. They would also be like, I'm going to eat this. Everything. Yeah. They'd be like, no. Eat plastic?

No. No. Eat hair? Rocks? Can I stick my finger inside that light socket? No. What if I turn it on? No.

And no becomes like, this is going to be fucking awesome. That's what they do. You know what my six year old loves to tell me can I tell you something right before she's gonna tell me something

she goes can I tell you something it's always can I tell you something you know can I tell you something Debbie told this girl that she shouldn't do that

because she wasn't allowed and it wasn't true and what do you do you go whoa yeah that's the kind of conversation she had with six year olds like wow why wasn't she allowed because her mother doesn't want her to do it but she doesn't want to listen to her mother whoa that's crazy heavy stuff

outrage in kindergarten yeah really funny that's their world though they think that's like you know that's life i know that is life you got to respect think that's life. I know. It is life. You've got to respect that. That's why it's weird. They get upset. They get upset if you don't want to listen to their wacky stories. It's a fucking boring story. One of the things I've been teaching my kids lately is don't repeat punchlines over and over and over again.

Because when they nail a punchline, sometimes they'll say something really funny. And I said, listen, that's really funny. You said it was really funny. I'm so impressed that you said something that was that funny. It something really funny, and I said, listen, that's really funny. You said it was really funny. I'm so impressed that you said something that was that funny. It was really funny. But here's the thing. If you say it again, it becomes less funny. And if you say it again, it gets even less funny.

Like every time you repeat it. I know it's like fun to say something funny. You want to do it. Right. But I'm like, unless you're doing a new show the next night in a new town yeah or the same time do they get that crowd yeah kind of getting it yeah kind of getting it but it's you know it's touchy right yeah because you don't want to discourage anybody from saying something funny and silly sure like they they make each other laugh all the time they make me laugh we have these funny conversations it's funny having like joke conversations where they're like cracking me up and they're eight.

Yeah. Because in my house, goofing on stuff is valuable. Yeah. It's valuable. I mean valuable in terms of social commodity. It's hilarious. When one of them will say something funny and we all laugh, you can see their little eyes light up and then they want to make you laugh more. Yeah.

something funny and we all laugh, you can see their little eyes light up and then they want to make you laugh more. Yeah. You know? And it's also when you find out things that make people laugh, you find out things that are ridiculous that no one's talking about. Right. Like that's part of what's funny. When kids point something out, it's like, yeah, duh.

Yeah. This fucking six-year-old notices that's stupid. They tap into something. Like my daughter was looking at one of those fat freeze billboards you ever see that fat freeze billboard yeah this is when she was five she goes i know that's fake because that girl's pulling in a stomach oh right oh that's cute that she's sucking in yeah she's sucking her stomach in and she's not even tricking a five-year-old that's hilarious but when she's when she's saying it to me i'm crying laughing and you see her little eyes light up because the way she said i didn't do a good justice with the delivery sure but she was like

cocky about it like i know that and then she's geeked out that you're laughing right she thinks it's so funny she's like she's holding her stomach yeah look at it daddy so holding in their stomach like a five-year-old can see that nobody stands like this. Yeah. You know, Kylie Jenner sued those people who made that because that girl in the sign looked like her. Oh, really? Yeah, they do that.

They've done that before. You can sue someone for looking like you? Kim Kardashian turned down some campaign, and so they hired a Kim Kardashian lookalike, and she sued him. And won? I think she won. What? Didn't she win, Jamie?

Hilarious. Shit, is it fucking five? It's five o'clock, bitch. Dude, man. Where you going? Gotta get home. What time is your show tonight? My show's at eight.

What time should I leave? Jesus Christ, you should have already left. You're fucked, dude. I gotta get going. You gotta get to Pasadena in three hours. Yeah, I know.

Cancel the show. Who's opening for you? Doug Mellard, really funny guy. Okay, cool. Really funny guy from Austin. Lives here. Real funny.

How long has he been here? Did I meet him? You may have met him. He's been here for a while. He's been doing stand-up a while. And I've brought him with me a few times. He's a really funny dude. There's like a feeling that you get when someone says there's a really funny guy from Austin.

You go, oh, he's probably cool. Yeah, he's pretty cool. Yeah, he is pretty cool. Probably wears vests. Mm-hmm. No, no, he doesn't have vests. Yeah, but he's a very funny guy. He is pretty cool. Probably wears vests. Mm-hmm. No, no, he doesn't have vests. Yeah, but he's a very funny guy. Probably dresses like a Mumford & Sons.

Yes. Like one of the music videos. He looks like he'd be in the band. There's a piano in the middle of a field for no fucking reason. Yeah. They're all dancing around it. He's got just like funny, ironic tattoos and shit. Oh, does he?

Yeah, he's got a few. Keep on trucking. You know, Ari has keep on trucking tattoos on his body. Yeah, doesn't Kinane have some silly one like that too? Does he? I think he does. He has some silly ones. Yeah, no tats yet.

No, are you thinking about getting something? No. No? I mean, I would if I had a fucking desire to or interest, but I don't. How about this? Let's go champ. Right across your belly. Dude.

Let's go champ. How great was that? How about that? Right across your belly. Like Compton. Let's go champ. This let's Go Champ. Right across your belly. Dude. Let's Go Champ. How great was that? How about that? Right across your belly. Like Compton. Let's Go Champ! This Let's Go Champ. Yeah.

How the fuck does no one have that? Jamie, please look up. See if anyone has Let's Go Champ tattooed on their belly. They must. That's badass, dude. They should totally have that. That hat's dope. That is a dope hat, right?

Yeah, man. Yes. Let's Go Champ. Yeah. And it was given to me by Shannon the Cannons. Shannon the Cannon Pranks. Let's Go Champ. He's a great guy by Shannon Shannon the Cannon He's a great guy man He's a fun dude Like real positive

I didn't see the episode I didn't listen to it But I saw his Instagram preparing to come here And that got me fired up He's like blending Organic blueberries champ Let's go champ You don't even have to watch him You don't even have to watch him Man You don't even have to watch him.

Man, I was fired up. I'm going to Georgia. I'm going to Los Angeles. Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, he's awesome, man. That was so fun. For me to be sitting across from him. Let's go, champ.

That's my ringtone now. Is it? That's right, bitch. Fucking amazing. Yeah, we've got to figure out a way to set that up. But Jamie isolated that for me. Let's go, champ. That's what I was going to say on the way to calls.

I would keep that for years. Oh, for sure. Yeah, that's fantastic. For sure, man. That is fantastic. I remember I watched the first video of his. And I knew Shannon. I was a fan of his.

I was a boxer for a long time. But when I watched that video of him, I was like, wow, this is crazy. Like, what is he doing? Like, this is interesting. And those are cinder blocks on him. Oh, he's a big boy. He's quite a large fella. And when I hug him, I'm like, hi is crazy. Like, what is he doing? Like, this is interesting. And those are cinder blocks on him. Oh, he's a big boy. He's quite a large fella. And when I hug him, I'm like, hi, buddy.

Yeah. My head nestles next to his breasts. That would hurt. Well, he's a big boxer. He's big. You know, he's probably walking around in the 250 range or 240 range. But that connects with the chin? Powerful puncher, man.

That's over. Yeah, he's a serious knockout puncher. Shannon can crack. He's also got, like, this wicked left hook to the chin. Powerful puncher, man. That's over. Yeah, he's a serious knockout puncher. Shannon can crack. He's also got this wicked left hook to the body. He's got a nasty jab, but he's got this left hook to the body that's really rare to see in the heavyweight division. Super quick

technical stabbing left hook. Just blap. Just gets under your ribcage with it, and he just drops guys. He's getting avoided. A lot of people don't want to fight him. Don't want a piece of that man well he's a big guy he's uh he's still real dangerous he's real motivated and he talks so much shit yeah he talks so much shit they can't take it and and the people that are they're going to these press conferences with him and he's talking he's like yelling at them trying to get fights with him yeah and they're uh they're all at the press

conference announcing another fight and he's in the audience. Yeah. He shows up at other ones. Yeah. Oh, man. He showed up at Vladimir Klitschko's, like, he was eating lunch. Yeah. He started drinking his water, and, you know, he started eating his food.

Yeah. When you eat, we eat. When you eat, we eat. Let's go champ. Talking a lot of shit, yeah. Yeah. And that was when I started being aware of him. I was like my god

he's crazy like shannon briggs has gone crazy and then i realized oh he's just trying a new thing to make like get get guys to fight him make a name for himself and he's it's really smart because he figured out a way to use social media and he completely changed how people thought of him yeah because people thought of him before they knew about his personality. They just thought he was this killer boxer. Yeah. He even talked about it on the podcast. He was like, I just wasn't me. Yeah.

Because I was like, just always, you know, being this heavyweight knockout artist and this, you know, tough guy. He's like, I'm goofy. Yeah. He was like, I goof around a lot. I'm always joking around. So you see that in those videos. And that's something that there was no other way for him to ever show that.

Can you imagine if HBO came to his house, like, we want to watch you work out. Let's go, champ! Yeah. Let's go, champ! They would, like, cut all that out. Just cut all that out. But then they would learn that that's what's going

to make it a sensation, a hit, you know? Well, I think he had to do it, like, over and over and over and over and over again on YouTube and on Instagram for people to get addicted to it. Yeah. Because now, like, when I see it in my my feed and it's Shannon sitting in front of like a bowl of food or something with a big smile on his face. I always click on other videos.

I want to hear it. Yeah. Cause it's, it's him. That's who he is. I think that's one of the fucking coolest things about your show that you, you have with you and Christina, your mom's house. That's you guys. That's totally genuine.

That's a hundred percent how you guys are all the time. That's true. So that's not available anywhere else. Speak to when something gets popular or gets a fan base, it's because people connect to the authenticity, I think, of people's real personalities. Yeah, man. There's definitely that. And there's also like there's less people from, you know, Shannon doing that.

There's almost no filters between him and people. There's less people involved. Yeah. So you could get to see this guy like who he really is. And there's so many people like that now. Like Joey Diaz. When Joey Diaz does his periscopes. Jesus.

It's beautiful. Yeah. Because it's like straight to Joey. Straight to Joey. There's no one even around. He gets up in the morning. Smoking number even around. He gets up in the morning. He gets up in the morning, gives you like a few minutes notice. You know, we're going live. We're smoking numbers. And then he gets on.

What did you do today? And he starts talking about it. He makes these tweets and they're ridiculous. Like, you know, it's Monday. You're showing up with a big dick and a smile. And like, okay, I have a big dick all of a sudden? People love that guy, man. He's awesome. But that's like, okay, I have a big dick all of a sudden? But it's, yeah, people love that guy, man. Yeah.

He's awesome. But that's Joey. Like, you know you're getting Joey. 100% Joey. Spelling's all fucked up. He has too many periods in a row. Doesn't matter. It's just,

you're getting straight Joey. Yeah. You know, and that's one of the more unique things about this time. And those goddamn glasses that we were playing when you went to pee.

Yeah. Those Snapchat glasses, those things scare the shit out of me. Oh, you wear them and they Snapchat everything? They're exactly kind of what we're talking about, about recording memories. You're going to record things that people see. This guy was doing an operation and he had those goggles on. Yeah, he just recorded.

You're going to be able to stream your life. These things are cameras. Those things in the upper right-hand side are cameras. And there's this video that we were watching of this guy doing an operation, cutting this person open while he's wearing these Snapchat glasses. And it's so strange. Christ. Because you realize, like, oh, this is like the Motorola Razr.

This is like the Motorola Razr. And one day we're going to have the iPhone 7. I think it's crazy that we're talking about something that's $130. I thought we were talking about some really, you know. No, no, no, no. And it streams for the Snapchat app. And if you're looking at this now, come on, man. This is like that phone that Kirk Douglas or Michael Douglas had on Wall Street, right?

It's basically what it is in comparison to what they're going to have just in a few years from now. Texting people, bro? Well, I've got to get back. Can you get the fuck out of here and wrap this up? Unfortunately. Wrapping it up with Tommy Buns, please do. I have a tour coming up. It's my first theater tour ever.

By the way, I just want to tell you, very inspiring watching you do that set the other night in the main room doing all new material that I haven't seen before. And it was really fucking funny stuff thanks man thanks that was really fun thank you i've been working since you know the the last one came out and i'm about at an hour now and so the tour starts january and i'm doing like coast to coast canada doing a bunch of bunch of dates man yeah we could tell you could tell you tell you're putting in the time that's you know it's that's one of the cool things about being in L.A. Yeah. Is I get to see so many guys like you.

Yeah. And Joey and Burr and Ari and Duncan and all these guys that are just really fucking funny in this one area, like, all the time. Yeah. You know? It's great to see other people do, like, people I love and that I, you know in stand up do sets regularly here in Crush you're like oh shit it always keeps you on your toes man dude the other night Dave Chappelle brought up Chris Rock

the store get the fuck out of Dodge he's going on a tour not that he needs the fucking plug or Chris Rock brought up Dave Chappelle one of those either way get the fuck out of here but that's a first tour in nine years for Rock well divorce is a motherfucker he talks about it on stage Either way, get the fuck out of here. But that's a first tour in nine years for rock. Well, divorce. Divorce.

Is a motherfucker. Yeah. Talks about it on stage. It's scary. Did I tell you? So I opened for Chappelle. I did like, I shouldn't say I opened, I did a 10-minute set.

I stopped by his, when I was in New York, I stopped by his show. Where was he? He was at the Gramercy, just 400 seat place. Oh, wow. Just feels like doing it. And it was before SNL, but before they announced it. So I was doing Caroline's and I pop pop over there, and they're like,

oh, yeah, do time. And he's like, do some time, man. I go do time. I do like 10 minutes. They don't want to see me. They're like, fuck, it's Dave Chappelle. So I get off. He goes up.

He starts doing the set, and then Chris Rock walks out. And then they pull up chairs, and they basically have a kind of, it's like a podcast. It's basically a live podcast, but they riff and they go on shit. And one point Chappelle goes, he's like, you say like,

you say the wildest shit though to rock. Yeah. He's like, like what you mean? You know, he's like, man, you say the wildest shit,

man. He said, he, and Chappelle goes, you called me after your divorce and said, uh wife has more money from comedy than you do. And I was like, that's such a funny, like Chris Rock said that to Dave Chappelle. My wife has more money from comedy than you do after divorcing. Wow.

Like how funny, though, of a thought about Your situation You know That is a funny thought Yeah And it's also a lot of money It must be insane Yeah Cause Chappelle's made A lot of fucking money

Yeah And Rock's yeah Well Rock was probably One of the most successful Guys ever When he was doing theaters Like those I mean not theaters

Arenas And he was doing World tours too Don't forget that Yeah He did a Hollywood bowl Yeah Insane

And he does giant spots A lot of money Oh insane amounts of money. And it all went away to the girl. But this tour, it's called Get That Money Back. Is that what it's called? I wonder if he just paid off a giant chunk so he doesn't have to pay forever. There was a timeline on it.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Because all this stuff was announced. The big Netflix deal. I don't even want to know how much money he paid. I'm sure it's so much money. It's so insane that we pretend that if two people are in a relationship and one person makes all the money, that somehow or another there's an even deal.

It's so crazy. It's so weird. I got to piss again. Go ahead, buddy. Go piss and I'll wrap this up. We'll talk about your tour when you come back. We'll finish it up. Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah. What about the dates? You want to give specific dates? I mean, I think just the up. Okay. We'll talk about your tour when you come back. No, no, I'm all good. We'll finish it up. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah. What about the dates? You want to give specific dates? I mean, I think just the tour. The tour with Tommy Bunz. The no teeth, no entry tour. And all bullshit aside, because Tommy's not in the room right now, this new stuff is a little shaky.

No. It's really funny. He's got one bit. I don't want to spoiler alert it, but he's got one bit that's really funny. He's got one bit. I don't want to spoiler alert it, but he's got one bit that's really intricate. And at the end of it, I was like, holy shit, that's good. And when you're a funny guy like Tom already is, and you're putting out stuff, and then you have to write new stuff, the new stuff represents the new level of funny he is. That's the last throat clearing of this show, folks, I promise.

This is a rough one, right? Got through. But yeah, the fucking, the beginning, my throat just did not want to cooperate. And it was fine until I took one hit of weed

and then I drank some coffee. And then something about the coffee and the weed together just produced this. We can't do that right before we go on stage. Or right before I go on the air. We should do it like five minutes before. And then do a lot of, get that shit out of the way.

Does that make sense? Yeah, I wish there was a way to solve it. But you can't have a cough drop or anything. No, that would probably be better than nothing. But it's definitely better now that we don't do the butter coffee anymore. That was fucking me up. Too many people were complaining, and they were right. So I took pride in trying not to clear my throat as much,

and I still fucked it up. It's hard. It's hard out there, Tommy Buns. Tommy Buns. Why is no teeth, no entry? I don't know. Why not? Yeah, make fun of people.

People can buy that Glasson shirt? Absolutely. TomSegura.com. They're going to buy them like fucking crazy now. Yeah. Just Glasson, bro. Just Glasson. Will you please tell the audience so I can have record that you're impressed with my

water consumption? You're the water champ. Thank you. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you. Thank you. I mean, I've never even seen anybody try to fuck with you or try to take that title. They don't even talk about it. It used to be like people would discuss, like, who's the water champ?

I remember the first time I met you, it was in Phoenix. It was on this, like, the stand-up tour. And you came up to me after my set and you go, I've never seen someone drink so much water during such a short set. And I was like, wow. I felt connected to you that you, like that's what you saw. Well, I recognize this is unusual. You just kept drinking and no one said a word.

But it was almost like if you drank one more bottle of water, someone would have to say something. Yeah. Like you were pounding the water, but you got to the point where I don't want to show off. And you put the water down, but you let them know. Like you're not fucking around. Is this technically a water too? That's water too.

So you're a super, super water champ. That's fucking crazy. This is just water with a mild amount of flavoring in it. Mm-hmm. All right. But, so, did you, like, set out to be the water champ, or is this something that just happened, or did you realize you have a talent? It's like a calling.

Yeah. It's like, you know, did the guy set out to be the fucking, I don't know, the yo-yo champ, you know? Now, when you wake up in the morning, do you get P-boners? Are you a big P-boner guy? yep and you have to do like the straddle and squat and you're like i gotta get this out of me if you're drinking that much water there's no way you're sleeping eight hours right oh i wake up absolutely i have to tell myself like a child to not to not do i do that before flight sometimes you know on that 6 a.m flight i'll be walking through the airport like

dude just don't fucking drink for the next hour so you can sleep on the flight. But you don't do it. Usually I can't. My, just my overwhelming urge to consume more water takes over. But it's a competitive thing too, right? It's also, you're putting down numbers. Yeah. You share these online with people. Sometimes people will ask like how many, you know, like what's your record? And I know for, for these in a day, it's somewhere in the fifties. And then I know that like gallon wise, it's just over three. Yeah, whenever someone wants to talk to me about people who work out hard, I always use the example of my friend Cameron Haynes who run 205 miles.

How is that even possible? 78 hours. How is that possible? He's a savage. He's a savage. He's a crazy person. He's a crazy person. 100%.

But in a good way. Like an overachiever. Just a madman, right? But when someone brings up you know dude i know this guy drinks a lot of water i go shut the up that's what i'm talking about that's what i said i go shut the up i go just stop talking about your shitty friend and his shitty water consumption yeah you know the guy drinks oceans yeah yeah my man my friend he downs like 15 bottles of water a day bro yo. Tommy Ted, he might drink 1,000 in a day.

He just gets dropped off by the palate. He just drinks water and pees. He drinks water and pees at the same time. Dude. Sometimes he's peeing while he's drinking. You don't understand. You're the ultimate hype man. And I feel like I should get a let's go water champ shirt on that note let's go water champ

thanks for having me buddy Tom Segura catch him on tours new stuff is absolutely fucking brilliant you can watch two specials that are available right now on Netflix oh yeah he is funny but the new shit is even funnier. Well, it's all fucking great. TomSegura.com.

Thanks, brother. YourMomsHouse.com. And go catch him out on tour. All right, see ya.