The Joe Rogan Experience - #888 - Ron White

Episode Date: December 22, 2016

Ron White is a stand up comedian and actor, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Sound effects. Dun-dun-dun-dun. Or was that you? That was me. Okay, all right. I thought you paid for that. All right. We're live.

Ron White. Hey, Joe. You look like you're ready to take notes. I signed this, you know, you shoved some paperwork at me when I don't have my glasses. I don't even know what it says. You have glasses on. I do. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah, and I'm not sure, but I think I've just agreed to, you know, whatever. You're fine. Trust me, we wouldn't do anything terrible to you. No, you're my friend. I love you. I love you, too. We have a mutual admiration society that we don't let anybody else in.

It's been so nice. People want in, but fuck them. Fuck them. It's been so nice having you around the store, man. I got to tell you. It's really fun. Yeah, it's great having you around, too, man. it's our little home base up there it's a fucking hoot it is right it's like uh you work on everything there and then venture forth right yeah it's a

spot yeah i'm trying to you know i've just got this big quandary now whether to even do another special or what it would do for me and you, you know, Netflix is offering me money, but they're not offering me, you know, huge money. They're offering me regular money. You're trying to figure out if you want to? Yeah, you know, it takes me. I'm not like some comics, you know. Some comics just spit out an hour a year, and I don't, you know.

It takes me three years to write a new record, you know. But it's good, you know, but it takes me forever to do it. I'm i'm just not that prolific i guess that's that's the big debate with comedians like how much time should you wait and tom papa and i were just talking about it and i've talked about it with burr and with louis ck and a bunch of different guys and louis is doing like one a year for a while but he stopped doing that and i think he kind of agrees now that when you do one a year it's almost almost like it's a special full of like adolescent premises. Yeah.

Yeah. And I've always found that my stuff ripens well, you know, on the vine. If I leave it there, if I pick it too early, you know, I used to do a bit that was on my last album and the punchline is not even on the album. The punchline I wrote later which was uh it's about my wife buying me a bicycle thinking i might ride it for you know health reasons and it's for sale and if you're looking for a bicycle it's a great deal it's got 750 yards on it it was a demo when i bought it had 350 yards already on it but i put the other 400 yards on it myself that was

the whole joke now here's the punchline and if you'd like to buy the bicycle just go to my house in beverly hills and it's 400 yards from there so i didn't even have the punch line i don't even know what i thought was funny about the other part but when i went back and listened to it i'm like i could start doing that bit again because they still don't know how it ends if i wanted to you know mitch headbrook did that he had a bit on his album and he goes this is a bit from my old album and he does the bit he goes this is the part I left out. Oh, really? And this is the new punchline.

That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, it's a funny thing, you know, development of material. Like, you're the only one who really knows when it's done. And sometimes you'll have something. I've had bits that I didn't put on specials that I was doing. I was like, this thing is not ready. And then maybe two specials later, I'll stick it in somewhere.

Right. Yeah. So I don't know, you know, that Netflix wants an hour. I really think Netflix special should be 30 minutes. I re I really do. Cause I would do a 30 minute special and not, and not burn an hour of material on it. Uh, and you know, I, I go back. I watched yours the other day, which was great. And I watched the Ali Wong's special. And it was just long. You know, it's just long. An hour is a long time for a special. And as much as I was impressed by Ali, and I still am impressedie, but I've been impressed with what I see in the club.

When I go back and watch her special, I see what kind of confidence that brought her, that success of that thing. It made her a better comic. You know, now she really has a great, I mean, an even better presence on stage and works even slower and more commanding. But I can, you know, that's what I learned from watching it was, you know, that kind of, that kind of success makes you better, you know, for her. I mean, she's sort of emerging right now. You know, she's one of those people that, you know, people start to talk about. She's very, very funny. She's really cool too. Really nice person,

but it's just nasty and funny on stage. Right. And I don't know her because now she's got a kid, so as soon as she gets off stage, she's out of there. So I talked to her on stage a couple of times when she was bringing me up. Yeah, she's very friendly. Yeah. I don't know, man. I'd like an hour.

I'd like an hour. I'd like a good hour special. You know, maybe you just don't want to. I'm cheap. You just don't want to do it. I don't want to do the work, man. It's so daunting to put a... I mean, my last special was an hour and 20 minutes.

And that's how long it was. And when I sold it, I'm like, I don't want to go edit it. It works like that. You can have the whole thing. And then I'm standing there naked. I could have gotten away with 48 minutes. Because it was on television. And nobody saw it on minutes because it was on television. And nobody saw it on TV because it was on CMT.

Nobody watches fucking CMT. So nobody's even heard the last album, and I don't do it. Isn't country music television, isn't that real popular? Do they call it country music television anymore, or they just call it CMT? But it started out as. Yeah, I think it still stands for country music television. But they're trying to do a bunch of other shit now, too, right? They try to do, you know, they did a...

I had a special with them once a year, and I would do... Then I would just have to come up with 15 minutes, which was doable, you know, that I could actually put on TV. Most of it I shouldn't even have put on TV, but that was great. It was the salute to the troops thing

and raise money and awareness for good stuff. And then they quit doing it and somehow bought my special. And so I just, you know, if I do a bit from it, you know, it kills like nobody's heard it. So I really don't think anybody really heard it. It only sold 12 copies. So those people, you know. Twelve? No.

Yeah, they know it. I have no idea how many. We were talking about that before the show, about, like, buying things. Like, nobody buys comedy albums anymore. They just don't make any money. Right. Like, none. Yeah, and you know what?

I just started watching stuff on Netflix the other day because I just wanted to watch some of the specials of some of the people I knew up there to see what they were doing, you know, what they were working on. And now, why would you buy a fucking record? You can just flip it over to Netflix and watch it. Well, I like listening to shit in my car. I like when people release things on iTunes.

Yeah, did I? My best comedy album story, and I don't mean this to be mean or anything else, but I was watching the record sales because my records were selling. And then Dane Cook comes in, and he just blows by me. And I'm like, who's this guy?

Because I'm not an L.A. guy. I'm a road guy. We don't know what's going on out here, nor do we give a shit. But I thought, well, it must be. So I was at a bookstore, and I saw it. And I thought, well, so I was at a bookstore, and I saw it, and I thought, well, I want to buy it and see what it's like. So literally I listened to it on the way home.

When I got home, I pulled it out and threw it in the trash. Not to be mean, but just because I don't keep things I don't use. And I knew I wouldn't listen to it again, and I wasn't going to give it to somebody else to listen to, and so I don't need it anymore. We've run our thing. And not to say anything bad about Dane, because plenty of bad things have been said.

But I just, I was so un-into it that I'm like, if that's what they're doing out there, then they're getting away with murder because those aren't punchlines, I'm sorry to tell you. Well, that was a weird time. He locked into some weird thing where he sort of appealed to young girls. Like he did comedy designed for young girls. No, no, that's not you.

It's not me either. Yeah. There's not a lot of us. Well, he had that fascinating stage presence too. And, you know, just really walk on stage and take command of anything i'd you know i i don't know if he can still do it but at one time i'd watch him and i'm like you like him or not if you're a comic you could probably learn something from watching him it was a young comic you know just walk up there and start doing it stare him down don't be timid you know and he was

great stage stage present but the content i was was like, why? What? What? I don't get it. I don't get it. Why don't we? But, and now I guess it's turned around on him. I mean, it's not, I don't know. I don't know. Well, it turned around on him when that whole Louis C.K. plagiarism thing came out, and

there's a lot of shit going on. Right. Was he supposed to have sold something from Louis? Oh, yeah. Like, a lot of things. Yeah. Before Louis was famous? Yep.

Oh. Yeah. Well, that's when it's easy. Yeah. Yeah, Louis was. Get them while they're young. Well, Louis wasn't young. Louis was older than him.

But Louis, he made it first. He broke through first. Right. And then it became a giant controversy. Like, Louis even addressed it on his television show. Like had dane on as a guest on a show and they kind of went over it it was very weird like louis did he's so nice like the way he handled it was so nice like he wasn't mean about it at all right he's not like you and mencia well that was a different that was just the best thing ever that was ever you had every comic in the country just cheering your fucking name, man.

Go get them, Joe. And you're such a badass. What's he going to do? Slap you? You know, you can either listen to it or he can beat you up or whatever you want. What are you going to do? That was the worst I've ever seen, though. I've seen plagiarists before.

I've seen guys get away with stealing people's shit, but I've never seen someone that blatant. He was a bully about it. Like, he would do your shit. He would go on in front of you and do your shit. Like, he would bring you up at the store and do your closing bit before he brought you up. Man. Yeah, I think it's one of those things like a serial killer wants to get caught, you know? You think that's what it is?

Yeah, I do. I really do. I really do. I really do. Well, you know, the only thing that matters to me really is, I mean, or the thing I'm most proud of is that I'm respected by my peers, that I didn't get here in some fucking cheap way. I did my fucking 30 years in 9 million clubs and 12,000 shows. And if I didn't have that, I don't know if I'd be able to show my face around here.

No, you wouldn't. That's all there is, I think. I think for people like us, it's probably the most important thing because there's so few of us. I mean, is there a thousand working comedians? Is there even a thousand? I mean, there might not even be a thousand. Yeah.

It's a tiny, tiny subculture. Tiny. And out of that subculture, maybe 300 of them I want to see, you know? Yeah. Maybe, maybe, if, right? So you're one of 300 people out of 300 million. That's a tiny amount. Fuck yeah, Ron White, look at you.

I'm getting buff. I'm getting buff just sitting here. You got fired up right there. I sure did. I wish we brought you tequila, man. I'm getting buff. I'm getting buff just sitting here. You got fired up right there. I sure did. I wish we brought you tequila, man. I'm glad. Really, if I would have, I'd have sat here and drank it with you, and then I'd have been, oh, now I had to get that Range Rover back to L.A.

That's what Uber's for. You've got some good goddamn tequila. I love the fact that you sell your own tequila. Well, you know what? We wouldn't have done it, but the Vervezquez family that makes it wouldn't sell it here. And so we just pestered them because we couldn't buy it. And, and, uh, until then my brother-in-law did, and he pestered him for four years and they finally said, okay, you can, you can bring it over there. They only sell it in Mexico? They, they only sell it in Mexico. They,

in Mexico, they sell it for three times what I sell it for here. And they only sell it in Mexico. In Mexico, they sell it for three times what I sell it for here. And they only sell it in the resort cities, people coming off those boats. And, you know, it's the best tequila that most liquor stores will ever touch. And so it's called the gift of God over there. There were, I don't even know how to say it. Spanish? She's Mexican, so she could tell you, though. Does she speak fluent?

Oh, yeah. Does she get mad at you in speaking Spanish? No, but what she does do is she's a voiceover artist as well as a singer, so she can do any accent there is. And she has different wigs for different accents, and she lets me fuck them all. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's fucking great, man. That's fantastic.

It's fucking great. I can't ask for them specifically. They just show up. Oh, what an interesting little situation. Yeah. One of them is named Donna, and she's a bank teller from Denton, Texas. And, you know, she's sloppy, man. Just sloppy blowjobs.

Donna is? Yeah. Donna's off the charts. Is she your favorite? There's a little French girl. There's a little girl from Japan. I like them all. I like to mix them up.

Don't ever want to say that Donna gives a better blowjob than Margot, because it's technically not true. She's still like, oh, really? I'm like, oh, come on. It's you. Yeah, it's you, honey. How could you say that? Yeah.

How could you get upset at you? She's getting jealous of herself. Right. That's ridiculous. But it can happen. Why? Just because she spits on your dick? Whoa.

Yeah. Oh, can you say that on a podcast? Yeah, you definitely can. Okay, good. For sure. Yeah, some people are into that. The spitting on the dick thing. It's just like, whoa, we are getting dirty for sure.

Puh. Puh. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know, people that can't afford lube. When do you think that started, the spitting on the dick thing. It's just like, whoa, we are getting dirty for sure. Puh. Puh. Yeah. It's just, you know, people that can't afford lube. When do you think that started, the spitting on the dick? Because I don't think they did that in the 80s. You don't think so?

I don't think so. I never saw it. You know, it's just, I think you porn brought it around, brought it into the light. Yeah. Yeah. When you see variety instantaneously, like you don't have to venture forth into the weird sections. You know, like if you're in a video store back in the old days,

you had to go through those beads. Right. You and I remember those. Oh, yeah. It was either saloon doors or beads. Right. We had to go into the section of the video store that had the porn, and you always felt so full of shame when you were wandering through there.

It was horrible. It was horrible. It was like, oh, man, nobody does this but me. But now you know. But at least back then, no one had a phone with a camera So you couldn't like take a video Look I'm watching Ron White go to the fucking dirty section Is that a lump in his pants?

Oh look at this fucking sick prick Is that gay porn? He's looking at the gag stuff, he likes people to gag I do But that's the thing now, it's like you can go to any one of those Websites and have the porn on it And you can just keep scrolling Like oh check this out, check And you get it instantaneously and it's free You can go to any one of those websites and have the porn on it, and you can just keep scrolling.

Like, oh, check this out. Check. And you get it instantaneously, and it's free. Right. But that's what I like about you porn is that I don't have to worry about seeing something I don't want to see. I'm such a raging heterosexual. And I tried one time. I was in a hotel room. They had gay porn.

I'm like, I'm going to watch some gay porn, see if it does anything with click nothing not a damn thing i'm like oh jesus christ this is fucking horrible and i guess i'm you know fucking some people are just straight well as women like dick so i mean it makes sense that some men like dick i get it i do too but i didn't get it when i it just doesn't you know. That fucking story that you're telling on stage now, the story that you told about the prostitute situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one you encouraged me to do. You had to tell that.

We were crying. I'll tell you our listeners. Now they're our listeners. It's everybody. The Joe and Ron show. Thank you. I'll be here every Thursday It's everybody. The Joe and Ron show. Thank you. I'll be here every Thursday at 1.30. But it was true.

I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old to a girl, a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, who was overweight and her teeth had no general direction or color, but she was well within my budget. But I got stationed at Pearl, and I found out after a while, once you've been on this one part of Oahu, on Hotel Street, these really cute girls would jump in your car and blow you for $5.

And it's like the best deal I've ever even fucking heard of. I mean, I was like there twice a day, you know. And I was there for eight months, and six months ago, I was watching there twice a day, you know, and I was there for eight months. And then six months ago, I was watching this documentary on transvestites. They started talking about the transvestite scene on Hotel Street on Oahu. I've been there for 55 years. I let 150 dudes suck my dick. What's the record?

What's the record before you find out? Right. I wonder what the record is. I don't know. But, God, I have to be close. I've dodged that bullet, but I've come close. I think I've dodged that bullet. Yeah.

If I hadn't dodged the bullet, kudos to whoever pretended to be a girl. Apparently, a tongue is a tongue and a tooth is a tooth because you can't tell man mouth from woman mouth. Now, if it would have been a hand job, I'd have been going, hey, you're a plumber, dude. Get that hand on my cock. Thick gorilla hands. Jesus. What do you think I am? Yeah, and I would imagine that somebody who has a dick probably knows how to work it.

I guess. I tell you what, these girls had made quick work of me twice a day, 45 seconds. I was in my little Datsun B210 heading back to the ship. Do you say girls with air quotes? With air quotes, girls? Yeah. Well,

I still don't like to think of them as dudes, you know, in my mind, I don't let myself go, but they're still hot little girls, not little girls. These were fully developed men with tits. They had tits? They did. and I was always wondering let me play with their pose you know that they

let you get some titty but you start going down there where the junk is and they were like swatting your hand away I'm like now that should have been a video maybe a flag I don't know yeah well now you know yeah it's right yeah right so what you were in the navy is that what you're doing yeah i was yeah how long i wasn't in real long uh they uh you know i just wasn't cut out for it i i had that i had the wrong mouth for it i stayed in trouble i didn't you, I just did a lot of drugs. And, you know, I just was horrible out. And they discharged me with an honorable discharge under medical conditions from the Naval Drug Rehabilitation Center in Miramar, California.

Oh, wow. So what did you have to get rehabilitated for? Well, I had actually never seen drugs until I got to the Naval Drug Rehabilitation Center in Miramar, California. I mean, everybody had drugs. You know, I was positive for heroin on a Westpac, but so were eight other people on the ship. And then when we ate a ton of acid, you know, it was 75, and I was 18 years old, and I was off the hook wild. I was 18 years old, and I was off the hook wild. And, you know, they just actually, in my hearing to get me out,

the commander of our base called me a hole in our national line of defense. I'm like, God, that's horrible. What's worse than that, I wonder? Nothing. That seems a little exaggerating. Yeah. Like when we were playing Red Rover, you know? Relax.

Yeah. A hole in our national line defense. Weren't even at war in 75, right? Wasn't that Vietnam? We had a tail end of the Vietnam War. Yeah. Wow. Did you join or did you get drafted?

No, there was no draft. My father drafted me. I got kicked out of high school, and they weren't going to put me back in this time. And so I was 17, and I kind of had my life mapped out because I worked washing dishes at this huge restaurant called Lynchburg Crossing close to Pasadena, Texas, and right on the channel, gigantic place, unbelievable, and served family style, all kinds of seafood and chicken and stuff. It was really popular.

But they didn't go hire people to wash dishes. They would go bail these drunks out of jail, and they had bunkhouses in the back, and the dishwashers would sleep back there. They'd drink all the half drinks that came back and crash there. So I really, at 17 years old i was thinking well i could uh when i'm 17 i could join the 16 i could join the merchant marines at 17 which was wrong and uh and then i worked there till i retired and then i go wash

dishes until uh i die in that bug house jesus christ like the old drunk that used to roll his joints we couldn't roll joints very good and this guy could and we came in there one day just dead as he could be. Isn't it funny

when he was dead? Dead. Oh, of? Cirrhosis of problem. These guys were bad. I mean, bad booze hounds. But, you know, pretty good dishwashers.

Isn't it funny when you look back on your life and getting kicked out of high school, all the trouble you were in, getting kicked out of the Navy, getting blown by a bunch of dudes accidentally?

It's all the recipes of being a great comic, but nobody ever looks at it that way. Right, yeah. You don't have some of that stuff in there. What are you going to write about? It's almost like you have to come up to everybody who's a fuck-up and go, look, I know you're not fitting in here, but there's a place where you do. Right. Like, there's a place where you do. You figure it a place where you figure it out there's a there's a fucking whole clan of us yeah you just gotta you gotta figure out how to do it i'm telling you joe the

first time i walked on stage i literally i went to myself i'm a i'm a fucking comedian why didn't somebody tell me i could have avoided a bunch of that other stuff and just started i was 29 when i figured it out. I was 21. Same feeling. Right after I did it, I was like, this is it. I found it. This is it.

This is the one that works. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't good. I knew I wasn't good. I knew I was like, there's a lot of work to be done. But I'm like, this could be my job. I didn't think I'd ever do it professionally or anything like that. I just knew I was a comic.

I knew I was a comedian. But I never, ever saw all this fame and fortune shit coming. I mean, I never really sat around asking the universe for it. I never thought it would happen. Even though I watched it happen to Foxworthy, you know, he biggest selling comic of all time by a lot. Uh, so more records than prior and Cosby combined. And, uh uh he blew up standing right next to me but i never gave it one second i thought that it would happen to me well when the blue collar tour kicked off and then and then it took off for you how old were you uh let's see probably 45 or so 45 or 46 so you're just working as a comic up until 45 and then boom. Right, 16 years, clubs, 50 weeks a year, doing nine shows a week, which is how you get good at this.

That's the best way to do it, not here, out there, working, different crowds. And then Jeff signed me up for this thing, and the first time I heard the idea, I told him, that's retarded. That's how smart i am and um the uh the whole clincher to my career is warner brothers decided to make a movie out of that thing and uh and i didn't even see that i mean i had a yeah warner brother's gonna make a movie out of it and kathleen madigan's falling out of her chair they're gonna cheat what i'm like yeah that's what they said but i had no idea what that meant man, Warner Brothers is going to make a movie out of it, and Kathleen Madigan's falling out of her chair. What? I'm like, yeah, that's what they said.

But I had no idea what that meant. I don't know. I'm an idiot from northwest Texas, so it sounds good. But then it, for some reason, it just tested. It was really well-liked across the board, and it was one of the biggest-selling comedy albums of all time. There were DVDs, 4 million copies. really well liked across the board. And, and, and then, and it was one of the biggest selling comedy albums of all time, but DVDs, 4 million copies.

Well, it was giant. I remember when it came out, it was just one of those things like, Whoa, nobody ever did that before. Nobody ever put together a bunch of killers and then did a movie. Well,

they actually, the Kings of comedy did. And we did it first. Yeah. We totally ripped off the black man again, you know, God damn it. Ron White. The we totally ripped off the black man again you know god damn it ron wayne the uh but you know it was a you know just a blue collar uh shot at it not necessarily you know redneck but but you know just people that work for a living they lots who likes

us you know and but the catalyst from that made uh Whitney ridiculously famous and made me famous and did a lot for Bill. But Jeff was already, you know, Jeff. Do you call Dan Whitney Dan Whitney or do you call him Larry the Cable Guy? Do you ever call him up? Hey, Larry. Who the fuck is this? No, I don't call him Larry. I don't.

Did you know him forever as Dan? Yeah. Yeah, but you know what? I never knew. I never saw the act that it wasn't all Larry. I don't. Did you know him forever as Dan? Yeah. Yeah, but you know what? I never knew. I never saw the act that it wasn't all Larry the Cable guy. And I know it used to be. And one of the funniest things I ever saw was that there used to be this tape in the South County Funny Bone in St. Louis in the condo where they live. A shitty little apartment they put us in.

And it was called Bovine women from somewhere and it was about huge fat girls and uh and he had it was a copy it had been around for a while the condo so we play it for people as a joke when they came over and and uh he had a vhs camera and because that was a copy he edited himself into the movie. And it was fucking outrageously funny. So was it a porn? A fat woman porn? Yeah, yeah. And so somebody would be fucking her from behind,

and then he'd turn the camera around, and his dad just, you know, this could be you, Marty, the manager of the club. But it was very, very funny. Made me laugh. Somebody stole it after that. Nobody wanted to steal it before it was edited, but somebody took it after that.

Yeah, that was back when you need to edit things. You used to have two VCRs. Right. You used to have a little bit of this and a little bit of that and go back and forth and back and forth. Yeah, but those VHS cameras at the end, you know, because I had one too. I used to tape nearly everything I did. And so, you know, if we didn't have a tab broken off of it, you know, you could just record right over whatever little part of it you wanted to. That's right, the tab. Yeah, if it had a tab, you couldn't do it. So that's what you did for your wedding video.

I forgot about that tab. Like if you took the tab off, then nobody could record on it. Oh, yeah. But if it was still there, and this one was still there, so he just punched himself right into it. The first scene is this big old 500 pounder. She's opening a refrigerator door, so

the reveal is the light of the refrigerator through her thighs and they're gigantic and it's a cutaway to him drinking a glass of milk going real slapsticky stuff, but if you weren't if you didn't see it coming it was uh it was it was a big laugh i saw a video of him doing stand-up as dan whitney and i was like wow this is so weird yeah so he had you know his shirt tucked in his

pants he had like a polo shirt on right the whole deal yeah it, it was really smart, I mean, what he did. At one time, Larry was just a character that he did in the act, and then eventually Larry took over. Like the Dice Man. Yeah. Same thing. That was a character that he did in his show? Yeah, he was Andrew Silverstein.

He would go on stage as Andrew Silverstein, and he had a bunch of impressions that he would do. He would do an impression of Travolta. He would do an Al Pacino impression, and then at the end of his act he would do the Dice Man and the Dice Man was essentially a version his his take on Jerry Lewis and the Nutty Professor remember when Jerry Lewis and the Nutty Professor he was like this nerdy guy and he drinks some fucking potion and all of a sudden becomes this this really cool guy. Like, that was what Andrew did. He had just become this Dice Man character

and he put the leather jacket on. Oh! And then the rhymes and all that shit. Right. And his act was so unique because he was the first guy where you could repeat the punchlines back and everybody liked it.

Almost like a song. Right. Like, if someone's singing a song, you like to sing along. Yeah. But for comedy, that was never the case. Doesn't work because there's no such thing as a hit joke. Right. There's a popular bit, but there's no such thing as a hit joke.

You never want to hear it again. Once you know the joke, you know the joke. Yeah. Well, my fans, you know, they bitch at me because I won't do anything that's old, and they want to hear me do Tater Salad, and they want to hear me do tater salad, and they want to hear me do some of that stuff. But they're long bits. They're long stories.

They already know them. So if I start one, I did it in Madison Square Garden last time I was there. I opened with it. Oh, really? And I hadn't done it in 12 years. I had to go back and listen to it 10 times because it's a complicated piece of comedy. It doesn't sound like it, but it is. It still pays rhythm and timing all the way through this eight-minute-long joke or story.

So I did it, and when I started it, you'd have thought I was one of the Beatles. They just went absolutely nuts. But then I got to drag them through an eight-minute-long piece they already know. So now it's not the response I used to get that I love to get from it. So if I don't get what I want, then you don't get what you want. But it was fun to do that one time, but I just won't go back and, you know. Yeah, like Gaffigan is a prisoner to Hot Pockets. He's a prisoner.

Well, that's a good prisoner to be in. That's a great prisoner to be in. He's a funny guy, but he has to do that bit. Well, Foxworthy has to do the you might be a redneck, but he's also got 10,000 of them. Yeah, that's fine, though. That's different. He's got so many versions of it. And he only does five or six at the end of the show.

I mean, that's been for years that he hasn't hardly done any of that, and that's what he was always known for, which was just a great idea for a bit that now has calendars and, you know, just just crazy crazy the money he made off that was a genius bit yeah like he just nailed it he figured out like this perfect formula yeah he's a funny guy man jeff foxwood does not get the credit he deserves no no he's probably the most prolific uh writer that that i know and and i also just owe him fucking everything. He seems like a really nice guy, too.

He is the sweetheart of a man. Humble, takes his kids to school every day, goes to church, has a mission project that he works on. Very, very straight. He was a little wilder when he was in the clubs, but that's the way he was raised, and that's kind of what he went back to. Where does he live?

In Georgia, in Atlanta. Wow. In a house the size of a college. I'm sure. I'm not talking about this University of Phoenix shit either. I'm talking about Duke. Yeah. You kind of have to buy one of those when you get that rich.

Well, you know, he's just the real deal, you know. But you're right. People kind of rat on me. If I hear any other comics, you know, sometimes they'll rag on the Blue Collar Tour. You know, a lot of people didn't like Dan. I mean, but it was all comics, and I've never performed for comics once in my life.

And I tell other comics, here's the worst thing you can do. Perform for those comics in the back, because that's not whoever's going to come see you or pay money. Don't perform for them. Perform for those people in the seats. And so, you know, and whatever it was is whatever it was. And he just got popular. And if it wouldn't have been for that huge popularity, nobody would have given a shit.

Well, that's that thing that happens when something becomes really popular is that people decide to shit on it, even though it doesn't make. Like, there's nothing wrong with Larry the the cable guy's act it's a funny act he's a funny guy and he's a pace rhythm and timing comic and he's really good at it he's very good at it but i remember when he was huge i mean he still is but i mean when it was all happening when it was first happening and he was doing fucking football arenas all these like david cross wrote some fucking open letter to Larry the Cable Guy. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, this doesn't make any sense.

Like, what is he doing wrong? Like, I don't understand. What are you trying to say? That this character, this ridiculous, over-the-top character that he's doing isn't funny? Yeah. He's saying it's racist? What are you saying?

There were a few people that really took issue with it. And it's just comedy. If you don't like it, listen to something else. Yeah, exactly. That's the end, the long and the short of it. It's not exactly my cup of tea, but I know how good he is still. And I would go out of my way to see Jeff, and I probably wouldn't go out of my way to see him just to see him.

But that, his style is not exactly my cup of tea but that doesn't matter and that i can still see how good he is at it and uh and saw what he did and the impact that he had and then also the addition he wasn't one of the original guys the other there was another guy and then jeff got uh got rid of him who's the other guy? You don't remember? Nah, I can remember. You don't want to say it? No, I totally would say, but he was a guy from, I just have a shitty memory. Sometimes I can remember his name,

and sometimes I can't remember his name. He's the last Beatle. He's that lost Beatle, that one guy that got kicked out of the Beatles and fucking to this day beats his head against the wall. I don't know what he does now, but he was a good comic, but he was on some kind of medication that made him just get in Jeff's face and talk to him nonstop.

Jeff doesn't like that. And Jeff's like, hey, I'm taking a piss, dude. Can you give me a minute? Oh, no. Like an Adderall type thing or something? Yeah, I guess so. Oh, Jesus. But he was just...

And then he would... You know, we're doing these big shows. They're like, well, I put $12 on a cab and nobody's paid me back. Guys doing fucking arenas? You're right. You're bitching about $12? Well, that's the wrong guy. Right.

And then Dan came in and just shook things up. And really like it, don't like it, doesn't matter. He destroyed every night. What's Bill Ingvall up to these days? Yeah, I saw him. We auditioned for the same part in a movie not too long ago, so I saw him at this audition, and it was for, I don't remember the name of the movie,

but it was supposed to be a huge cast of really big people in it. But the role sucked. I mean, the role was just nothing. And then I got sideways with the people doing the interview really big people in it, but the role sucked. And I mean, the role was just nothing. And, uh, and then I got sideways with the people doing the interview because they said it was a reading. So I didn't memorize the script, you know, and I came in, but I wear these tinted yellow glasses a lot of the time. And, uh, she, she said, can you take off the glasses? They're too modern for this, this piece. I'm like, well, if you want me to read it the glasses are not for show they just happen to be yellow but so whoever's watching it have them close their eyes and imagine with me

with shitty glasses on if that's okay but i'm not going to take them off and then she goes well i guess if you if you get this role you'll cancel your live schedule i said no said, no, I won't. No, I won't. I was clear with him. I said, if I'm going to do it, you've got to do it around my schedule. I'm not canceling any days for it. And I'm like, oh, now I'm in a fight at the casting office. That's probably not going to get this. I didn't want it anyway.

I'd just come off of roadies, and that was kind of disappointing. It's a fucking weird business, man. The interaction that you have with a casting director is very strange. I've had some good ones, really nice conversations sweet people oh me too gail levine is who cast me for roadies and she's wonderful yeah but there's a lot of them that are wonderful but there's a lot of them that are not these two chicks were there were snobs yeah i mean they really were you know they were really talking to me like I had not accomplished a single thing in my life. And maybe if this happened, I'd be able to call myself a man or something. Well, that's their role.

I mean, that's their position. Their position is, that's one of the reasons why actors are so fucking crazy. It's because you walk into this room and your life depends on whether or not this person puts a check next to your name. Whether they give you the green light. And so you go in there and you have to memorize some bullshit that you don't really care about. Most of the time, some nonsense sitcom or some fucking stupid role in a movie. And you've got to – it's half charming them, half doing this. I tell Brian Callen to this day that they have fucking ruined him.

I go, it ruined him. You don't know how to disagree with people. I'm like, Brian Callen will go into it and he charms everyone in the building because he's so good at auditions. I'm like, they fucking ruined you. Right. You don't know how to figure out

that this person's not for you. Well, you know, now I just turned 60 on Sunday. And now if I had to, if I signed up for a TV show, I'd be signed on until I was 66 or 67. And my dad died at 51. And so that seems like an awful long time. I mean, if it happened to be someone I really liked, you know, like if Jay McGraw was producing it, I would do it. I would do it just so I could hang out with him.

But I would have to really, really like somebody that I was going to be hanging with that time because I couldn't just do it. Who would have ever guessed that Dr. Phil's kid is such a cool motherfucker? I know. We have a mutual friend, Jay McGraw, who's a buddy of ours, both of ours. He's the fucking coolest guy. Yeah, he is. He's something else. And's the fucking coolest guy. Yeah, he is. He's something else.

And so is his dad. I'm sure he is. His dad is a hoot. I'm sure he is. But who would have ever guessed it? Yeah, nobody. Either one. I'm friends with both of them.

But Jay is just solid. I mean, I can tell you some things he's done for me. I just start crying. Aw, don't cry. I cry so easy. I'm such a bitch. Me too. Don't do it.

I don't cry for sad things, though. I'm weird. Like, sad things I can sort of deal with some weird way. But when things are epic, like epic moments, I'm like, holy shit, don't cry, bitch. Yeah, right. Keep it together. Woo! Like Nadia Komaneci doing those little backflips.

Oh, yeah. I would have cried like a bitch. Excellence chokes me up. But, you know, my friend died last weekend, and that kind of stuff I'm okay with. I mean, I don't get real emotional about that kind of stuff unless I've known you for 50 years. But Jay is just a great guy. He's an unbelievably solid dude when he doesn't have to be. He just brought me back three boxes of killer cigars from Cuba, so how can you not like that guy?

Oh, yeah, he just went to Cuba. You can bring those back now. Sort of, kind of. I think he was you not like that guy? Oh, yeah. He just went to Cuba. You can bring those back now. Yeah. Sort of. Kind of. I think he was on his plane or something. Yes. Yeah. You can kind of do it.

You can kind of bring them back. Sort of. You can get like a few of them. Well, the thing is that you can get $200 worth, but the people at customs have no idea how expensive they are. Right. So you can just say this was $185 worth and they go, oh, that's expensive. But it's really $1,500 worth of cigars. Right. So you can just say this was $185 worth, and they go, oh, that's expensive. But it's really $1,500 worth of cigars.

Yeah. I mean, if you pay them in American money, it probably is $150 worth, right? Like, it's probably a pretty good bargain. Actually, they probably know what they're worth. No, they're really not. No? Well, I don't know. I didn't ask him because he gave them to me.

But did you get a deal on them? How often do you smoke cigars? You know, every day. I smoked one. I smoked one on the way up there. I saw you walked in with one. I was like, God damn it, Ron White, you're a fucking caricature. Look at you.

What do you got there? That's one of the ones he gave me, these Bolivars. Oh, those are good. That's a strong one. Yeah, it is. And it was that big when I started, so I just smoked some of it and cut it off. That's a strong cigar. I like Bolivars.

I'm going to crank that back up if there's still air in my tire whenever I get out of here. Yeah, Bolivars. Well, it's something about that soil. There's this one area of Cuba where they grow most of their tobacco, and it's not even that big of a place. It's not that many acres. Right. Just this unbelievable soil. Yeah.

Why do you, like, is it that much different? Like, are you like a connoisseur? Are you like a sommelier of cigars? Sort of. Yeah? You know, the thing is, the smart guy was Zeno Davidoff of Davidoff Cigars. Because he saw it all coming. And so before it all happened, he moved his rollers and his factory and everything over to the Dominican Republic.

So whenever they came in and took the land from those people that started these iconic brands and they just kicked them out of the country with nothing. Well, they all had seed so they could grow the same tobacco if they stayed in the same kind of region the same parallel like dominican republic or even over to ecuador uh there was still perfect conditions for growing these these these plants but what they didn't have was rollers and uh these cigars uh these handmade cigars are rolled by experts i mean these people in Cuba, they spend their whole lives. It's a good job. And they have these huge rolling rooms,

and these people just roll these perfect cigars, and somebody sits in the front of the room and reads them books. Really? Yeah. Reads them books? Yeah. Like a book on tape, but someone's reading it. Yeah, somebody's actually up there.

The reader, they come in in shifts and read to them. No shit. And they sit there and listen to the stories and roll cigars. That's fucking fascinating. I have a book at home that's all photographs of the Cuban cigar business and the Cuban people rolling the cigars, and it's fucking amazing. They're smoking a fat cigar while they're rolling cigars. And the whole thing is just, it's got such a weird sort of romance to it.

Yeah. Yeah, you know, I used to smoke. There we go. I used to smoke, you know, a couple of them a day, and I always smoke on stage. But actually now, I'm such a dinosaur, they're really starting to crack down on the cigar. So I'll just light it, and I'll take it out there

and put it in the ashtray and let it go out and do the suck show. What, because like the theaters won't let you smoke in the theater? Yeah, and they used to give me some wiggle room, you know, but now, like in Canada, they started saying, well, here's what we do.

We don't know what we're going to fine you, but we're going to hold all of your money until we decide if you smoke on this stage. They told you that before you went up? Yeah.

What a fucking buzzkill. Yeah, right. Jesus Christ. Well, I'm glad they didn't tell me after. Jesus fucking Christ. But some places, Massey Hall in Toronto, you know, that's fucking Charlie Chaplin was on that stage. I just did that place. Oh, did it? It's gonna be great.

I love Toronto. Toronto's incredible. I just did it two weeks ago with Russell Peters. Me, Russell, and Big Jay Oakerson. Oh, okay. What a fucking show. Yeah. I don't even know if I've seen Jay. I've met him. He's funny, dude. And Big Jay Oakerson. Oh, okay. What a fucking show. Yeah. I don't even know if I've seen Jay. I've met him. He's a funny dude.

And I've heard him on radio, right? He's got a radio show. Yeah, he's got a podcast, Legion of Skanks. Yeah. One of the greatest names for a podcast ever. He's a funny dude. He's a good dude, too. And again, another one, like a real comic.

Yeah. Like, you know one when you meet one. Yeah, sure. You know, like if I ran into him anywhere, it'd be like a life vest in the middle of the ocean. If I ran into him in Dubai, I'd be like, there's one of us. Okay, all right. I could go with you to the halfway there, but not to Dubai.

You want to go to Dubai? No, no. You want to do shows there? No, you know what? I'm not sure that I wouldn't. Some of the people talk about this huge, huge money that they're offering guys to go out to Dubai and India. They got crazy rules, though, in Dubai. They do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Dubai has crazy religious rules. Like, if you in any way insult royal families or in any way. Who was it, Jamie, that talked about that? I think it was Hal Sparks was telling us that he did a gig in Dubai and someone, after he got off stage, told him that he was going to be arrested for something that he said because he referred to one of the royal family as like, sir, rather than your highness. Like something as simple as that. Yeah, I probably better not go.

Fuck that. I can't do it. I just, I can't. I won't do Yeah, I probably better not go. Fuck that. I can't do that. I just can't. I won't do colleges. I won't do anything weird. I don't either. Fuck that. You know, I hear a Seinfeld bitching about the political correctness of college students

these days. I'm like, why don't you go perform for people your own age? Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's it. You ever think about that, Jerry? Well, they're not your people. And they're super sensitive. And they're finally disconnected from their parents.

They're looking to call bullshit on everybody. That's one thing about college kids is they're looking to be right. And they're looking to establish what you can and can't say. And they're looking to control people. Because they're just free for the first time ever themselves. I probably would have done the same thing. Yeah, if I hadn't gotten kicked out of high school and

joined the Navy, I probably I just, I can't do like regular school work. I can't do that kind of stuff. I've never owned a notebook. This isn't mine. This is yours. You have it. It's for you. It's a gift. Merry Christmas. It's very nice. Merry Christmas. So you don't write

down on notebooks? You just you just come up stuff on stage or you come up with stuff. And do you like if you have an idea, will you write it on your phone or something? No, no, no. My attention deficit disorder is so bad that if I pick up a piece of paper, I'm done. Then I'll start thinking about the piece of paper, and then I'm off to fucking egg land. And so it just doesn't work. And I've forgotten so much stuff I know that I could have done on stage. But once it gets to the stage, I record it. Right. And I should record these short sets, but I don't.

But I record all the big sets. You don't record, like, the comedy short sets? No. No? You can do it on your phone, you know. Yeah, well, you know, but I don't. But I record all the big sets. You don't record, like, the comedy store sets? No. No? You can do it on your phone, you know. Yeah, well, you know, that's another thing. I don't know a lot about that. Yeah, but look.

See this? It's so fucking easy. See this little thing right here? This is voice recordings. Look at that. These are all my sets for the last, I don't know, six months. I just keep going. You got to put it all, and I make notes.

I make notes for each one of them. Did you have to? No, you have it. You got to put it all. And I make notes. I make notes for each one of them. Did you have to? No, you have it. You have it on your phone. It's a, it's an application that comes with, it's called voice memos. It comes with the phone. So you have an iPhone. It's in there.

I'll show you afterwards. I'll help you. But it's so easy. It's so easy, Ron. You just take that sucker. You press record as you're walking up the stage. I sit it on the stool right by me, records my whole set. Because there's many, many times that I have a new punchline or I'll have a thought in

the middle of a bit. What the fuck is that? And I'll go off on something just free and I'll say afterwards, thank God I recorded that because I got to go listen to that. Because for me, the store in particular is like the best place for that. Yeah. And the Ice House. that yeah and the ice house you ever do the ice house no uh fuck you i mean i have done it before but uh but i should get over

there and do they have like an open mic or something or they well they have a bunch of shit there but we do shows there on wednesdays all the time i'm there like january i think january 4th or something like that that it january January 4th? You want to do it with us. It's always sold out. And it's the fucking best room in the world. That room, the Ice House room, is set up. It's the best set up on earth. You will fucking murder that place.

I've done sets there a long time ago. And I know I loved it. And everybody says it's the best room there is. It's the oldest comedy club in the world. It is? The oldest comedy club in the world. It is? The oldest comedy club in the world. It started in 1961, I believe. 1961 or 1962, something like that. Yeah, it's the oldest concurrent working comedy club on earth.

And it used to literally be an ice house. Before they had freezers, people used to buy ice from the ice house. That's how fucking old that place is. Yeah, on the 4th, I'll come out there if you guys got room for me. Fuck yeah, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, there you go. Anytime you want to do a show, do it. I got room for you.

All right. Let's have some fun. Yep. Bring some of that tequila. I got the tequila. I'll Uber out there with a bottle of that extra Anejo. Now we're talking. Yeah.

So you guys look that up. Number Juan, J-U-A-N tequila. That's what I've got to hawk. Yeah. Okay. We're going to buy a case of that extra in Yeho. Now we're talking. Yeah, so you guys look that up. Number Juan, J-U-A-N tequila. That's what I've got to hawk. Yeah, okay. We're going to buy a case of that shit. Bring it in here. Set it up. Boom. Don't they have it at the comedy store now? I always have a bottle back there,

but our distribution is just now getting fixed in California, so I'm sure that they'll pick it up as soon as these guys get all hooked up. They just got their tequila the other day. Well, it's a dark tequila, too. Do you have more than one kind? Yeah, I have a Blanco

that comes straight out of the faucet, and then an extra Reposado, which is aged for nine months in two different barrels and then blended at the end. Half of it's French oak wine barrel, half of it's bourbon barrel, retired. And then nine months and then blended together.

Whoa. That's deep. And that's what my brother-in-law, that's all he drinks is that one. And I drink the other one because I come kind of from a Scotch background, so it's a little heavier. Yeah, it's got like a dark sort of smoky. It's dangerous. Dangerous? It's a dangerous bottle to have just sitting near you with no protection or, you know,

just with a couple of people just because once you start drinking it, it just, it's just, it offers no resistance at all. You can just sit there and polish off a bottle. I feel like we shouldn't be having a podcast without having like a little drink. Okay. I feel like we should have a little drink. Get some Jack Daniels on the rocks. Let's do it.

Just a little drink. Just a little drink with Ron White. Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah, it's a good tequila. I'm happy you're doing that as well. It's nice to see comedians branch out and do different shit.

Well, I'd like to see some of the different stuff I do ever make money. But, you know, we have a lot of fun with the tequila and somebody will come by and buy it one day. It's a, you know, we win everything with it. Uh, how's that not making money that tequila is not making money. No. Uh, well it did. It made money the third year it made, uh, it made, we made the third year we made $17,000. That's the whole year. How is that possible? Well, because it's just kind of expensive to get into. I mean, we're shoestringing it.

I'm not putting my nut in there. I put money in it, but not too much. And so we're just kind of a really slow growth until somebody comes along, you know. And then if somebody wants it worse than we do, they'll have it. So for you, is this sort of like a goof just to get into it for fun? No, well, a couple things. I'd really like to see my brother-in-law, I'd really like to see it work for him,

and he owns more of it than I do. He's a comic, right? Yeah, Alex Ramundo. I don't know Alex very well he's uh one of my best friends and he literally when i started doing stand-up uh september 17th 1986 is when i met him and i was nervous i was going to do four minutes first time open mic and went straight to the bar and ordered a beer and a shot of tequila and he handed me the beer and the shot of tequila. So he was the bartender in the club I started at. Where was that? In Arlington, Texas. What's it called?

Funny Bone Comedy Club. Wow. I think it's something else now. But that's where that was my home. What's Arlington near? Dallas-Fort Worth. That's where Texas Stadium is and the ballpark.

Where's that funny bone? Not funny bone, improv. They don't have an improv in Arlington, do they? No, they have an improv up in Irvine, Irving or something, up in North Dallas. There's one. But isn't there two? Yeah, all right. What is this?

There used to be two. There used to be one right down on Central Expressway, but I don't know if there is anymore. This is the Sinatra Select. Frankie, baby. Where did we get this? Somebody sent it to us, right? Did Jack Daniels send it to us? Yeah.

Yeah, Jack Daniels sent this to us. They found out we drink Jack Daniels on the show, so they sent us this Sinatra Select. Oh, yeah, baby. It smells like toupees. Come on, baby. Good Lord. Cheers, sir. Joe Rogan. Cheers, buddy. Good Lord. Cheers, sir.

Joe Rogan. Cheers, buddy. White. Jack Daniels to me means fun times and bad decisions. Almost everything that I've ever done that I went, probably should have done that. Right. A lot of it's connected to that shit. There's just so much fuck it in Jack Daniels.

That's their slogan. Jack Daniels, fuck it. connected to that shit. There's just so much fuck it in Jack Daniels. That's their slogan. Jack Daniels, fuck it. Fuck it. Just, wow, fuck it. It's like almost every time I go on stage, I have a shot. Shot of that. The shot of this? Yeah.

Not the Sinatra stuff, but it kind of tastes the same to me. It doesn't really taste like Jack Daniels. That's really pretty good. I'm not much of a bourbon guy, but that's pretty tasty stuff. Finally, weed's legal, Ron White. I know. You happy about that? Well, I've been treating it like it was legal for about 50 years. Me too. I don't know it's going to have that much difference. You know, they had medical marijuana here anyway and and uh and i was actually using medical marijuana to get off of regular marijuana and that works like a fucking

charm it's almost like jesus came from heaven and healed me of this regular marijuana problem that's been haunting me since i was 13 years old and now that they've legalized recreational marijuana i'm going to use that to wean myself from medical marijuana. That's nice. And I've got a plan. That's beautiful. That's like methadone. You know what?

It took so long to get here, you know, to even this little seven. We have seven states now that are. I think there's more. How many states, Jamie? Legal. Nine now? Recreational is I think seven. Seven?

Seven's recreational, but then a bunch of, you know, in Vegas, they're going to have recreational. But now that they have medical, if you have a card from anywhere, you can go in the Vegas dispensaries. Well, what's fucked up is there's so many people that are in jail for life in Vegas from the 70s. Right. For life, for, like, getting caught with, like, a dime bag. Vegas used to be the worst place in the world when it came to pot. I don't know why. I guess they were trying to discourage you.

This is what it was. They got legalized prostitution, legalized gambling, open carry handguns, liquor available 24 hours a day on the street. You could actually walk out on the strip at 5 o'clock in the morning, crack open a beer, and bet on the camel toe races. But don't you dare lie to joint because there's children here. Is that the reason why? There's children. I think they were just trying to discourage people from getting high because it probably cut in on the profits. Wouldn't you assume that, like, the last thing I want to do when I get high is gamble?

I just look at buildings and I go, look how much money this building costs. Where are they getting their money? They must be getting their money from people like me. People like me that don't know how to gamble. Shit, what kind of weed are we smoking here? That's how I always feel. Shit, what kind of weed are we smoking here? That's how I always feel.

I never have the urge to gamble when I'm high, ever. But if I was drunk and I walked into a casino, I'd be like, let's see what happens. Absolutely. Come on. Absolutely. But I'm not much of a, are you a gambler? I'm good. You good?

I'm not much of a gambler. You know what i i i played a lot of cards when i first started working vegas and then i got hit a couple of times and and uh uh literally i mean if you're gonna if you're gonna bet 300 bucks a hand you better have a half million bucks sitting there or you'll get beat but uh because it just accelerates so high off of a three grand, off of a $300 bet. And so if you're not ready to really bet it, you should just not bet it. You know, if you don't have a, if you can't stay there until it all cycles back through in case you start on the wrong side of it, then now I'll go.

My mother, my mother's 81. She likes to get hammered and gamble. She does. She's always in Vegas. I was there two weeks ago, and I looked over on the side of the stage, and my mother was there. I had no idea she was coming all the way from Cocoa, Florida. Oh, that's hilarious. And she was just over there waving.

That's awesome. And she gets hammered and gambles. Yeah, she plays blackjack, Texas Hold'em. She was one of those people. Her and her mother. Jen, you'd think that Jen her and her mother, you know. You know, Jen, you'd think that Jen can't be skill, all skill. But any time I played my mother and Jen, she, like, takes one card and lays them down.

I'm like, well, how can you do that? You can't be good and just draw all those cards. What are you doing? And my grandmother was worse than her. So she plays serious poker, but not with serious money and uh more than she used to but but uh and then my son loves to play texas hold'em so if he comes out to vegas then i'll go play with him i have a bunch of friends that gamble really high and i don't have that gene i'm missing it that's a good one not to have you know because it's you can really feel stupid the next day when you're going i could have gotten well one of them you know, because you can really feel stupid the next day when you're going, I could have gotten, well, one of them, you know, at least a modern late-day Ford Escort, you know, or several Escorts.

I could have gotten something out of this. Instead, I got absolutely nothing except free booze. My friend Dana White has lost as much as a million dollars in a night. Good Lord. Yeah, but he won. Did he say he won seven? I think he said he won seven one night. Yeah, I don't get it.

He's got it, though. Whatever it is, he's got it. Way better. Yeah, but you know what? That's also one of the big thing with people that have been punched a lot. Like he was a boxer for a long time and a lot of MMA fighters, a lot of people that have experienced a lot of head trauma, they like to gamble. There's a weird correlation there.

They don't know why. I wonder if John Daly ever got hit in the head. I'm sure somebody punched that guy. Yeah. For sure, right? Who didn't punch that guy? He's a big dude, but still, somebody probably punched him. Yeah, probably so.

But, boy, he just has a gambling problem. He's funny because he was sober for five years, and he's a big dude, but still, somebody probably punched him. Yeah, probably so. But, boy, he just has a gambling problem. He's funny because he was sober for five years, and he's a buddy of mine. I'd say he's a buddy of mine. Whenever the Masters comes to Augusta, he's always there, and he sells merch. And it's genius because he's the only person. Number one, he's the most famous golfer in the city at that time is John Daly. More famous than anybody playing in that tournament. And then he's accessible.

He likes people. And so he'll go out there and sell $250,000, $300,000 worth of merch out of this huge, you know, he's got this big Prevost tour thing and a big old trailer and set up. Wow. His own store at the Hooters right next to the right next to the golf tournament and uh so that's genius during that time yeah and and and he's you know it's all his brands and uh you know he just makes a killing doing it and uh it is it is brilliant and but uh i parked my tour bus right next to his uh so that's the time I see him, you know, is whenever he's doing.

Now he's on the senior tour, so I don't even know. I don't follow golf, but I follow that guy. You know what I mean? Like, he's a fun dude. You know, he gets crazy, does a lot of wild, nutty shit, likes to get hammered. Right. It's like, I like the fact that there's a guy like that out there. I like it.

That can do it. Yeah. I mean, he might not be the best golfer in the world anymore, you know, but he's still a very good golfer, and he's still, like, this character. Like, it's part of the thing. It's not just who wins the golf tournament. It's like, I want to see John Daly play. I want to see him talk.

Right. I want to see him get crazy. Right. Yeah. So, well, he gets crazy, you know. He got sober for a few years, and then he called me the other day, and I was like, oh, he gets crazy, you know, and he got sober for a few years and then he called me the other day and I was like, oh, anyway, that started again. He was just baked.

And then the last time I was at Ben and last year at Augusta, we got really trashed and he was doing a podcast or some kind of radio show out of the Hooters, out of the Hooters. And besides that, he's got a radio show or did for a while and and he's just drunk as shit just trashing the PGA Tour oh god and I'm like you know you really golf on exemptions you know they're gonna but I didn't say anything to him but I mean he's just either over the top sober or over the top drunk he can. He can't be. And then he's also just dead honest. Will not lie to you to make you feel better. Will not lie to you to make you feel bad.

He just won't lie. He talks about how he feels. And, you know, he's just one of those guys that you know. And that's why he's so popular. That's why the people love him. We could all use more of that. All of us, right? I don't know, man.'s why he's so popular. Yeah. That's why everybody, that's why the people love him. We could all use more of that. All of us, right? I don't know, man.

I think I could use less. I think that's what my, I think I'm going to start lying more in 2017. Just stay drunk and keep lying. Yeah, there you go. That should be a t-shirt. Yeah, stay drunk and keep lying. That's a great one.

Yeah, I know what you mean. At a certain point in time, you go, how much fucking sand is left in this goddamn hourglass? What are we doing with it? Right. You know? Yeah, right. On a continued path of improvement and spiritual enlightenment? Or do we eventually go, hey, guys, there's a cliff coming up.

Let's just have a drink. What's that? There's a fucking cliff. There's a cliff right over there. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what Margo and I are saying is, is that we're already dead. That's how fast it goes. We're already dead. So while we got this last couple of minutes here, you know, let's have some fun. Let's not forget. I buried some really close friends and really not right next to each other about a year and a half ago.

And that broke my heart. I didn't want to do stand-up anymore and uh it's just horrible stuff and then uh and then my buddy that died this weekend i saw him three days before at a party and he was fine he was laughing he's fit as he can be plays hockey he's uh you know 69 years old but he was just really really he ate a hamburger without the bun while i was sitting there with him. And I was like, well, I bet he regrets that. And I was looking back on it. Fuck, I should have eaten that fucking bun. And then, boom, dead in three days.

Just dropped dead. What's that actor guy that just died recently? Alan Thicke. That's who it is. That's who it is? Yeah. Yeah. Alan Thicke was on Fear Factor.

He was a sweetheart. Oh, he's a, he's who it is? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think it was on Fear Factor. He was a sweetheart. Oh, he's a— Such a charming guy. He's the most charming human being. And I don't—you know, when I met him, I'm really good friends with John Paul DeGioia, who owns Patron and Paul Mitchell. And he is just a biker that made billions of dollars with the—just a great—just a brilliant man. biker that made billions of dollars with the just a great just a brilliant man and and uh so he has these you know men's nights that are kind of a league of extraordinary rich dudes

and uh but every once in a while an entertainer sneaks in there like me and alan and so the first one i went there i was i knew i, of course, because he was a hugely famous television star when I was watching television even. And, uh, but what attracted me was just him as a man, you know, just, uh, his charisma. And he, he just, he's just one of those guys that can, uh, that, that, you know, just a man's man, you know? Yeah. I just, you just want to hang around him. Yeah. I was really shocked. I was really shocked, though, how nice and friendly he was. And, you know, he lost. He had to do some physical thing.

He had to climb on something on the side of a building or something like that. And he wound up losing. Took it like a champ. Right. Oh, yeah. Smiling the whole way, genuinely. He was playing full contact hockey with fake knees. Jesus Christ. He did wrong. He hockey with fake knees. Jesus Christ.

He did it wrong. He got his knees done? Yeah, and he still played hockey. Oh, my God. They told him not to. But he's like, what am I going to do? Oh, my God. So it works pretty good.

But he was playing hockey with his son when he died. And his son told me this, and it was really funny. He goes, while he was on the fucking stretcher putting him in the ambulance and uh he goes sorry guys i'm an asshole just to for stopping the game you know and then he was dead 15 minutes later but he but he got a laugh on the way out the door and you know and people were saying man that what a tragic thing that that you know he died quick and i've had two friends die slow you don't want any part of that and so quick that's when we all agree with that quick we want to go quick i want to go quick and uh you know that's what he did and he was when his son was with him when he took his last

breath i think that's a good thing and i think his son will think it is too when he looks back on it if he doesn't already. You know what? A real touchy subject. This is a real touchy subject, right? People dying. It's real touchy. And it's also real touchy, like, what we think is going to happen after that.

Right. You know? There's people that are, like, real sensitive about what they think is going to happen. And whether it's nothing. A lot of people are, like, convinced it's nothing. A lot of people are convinced it's nothing. And they'll say it to you with such fucking conviction. Listen, when you die, it's nothing. It goes dark.

I know for a fact that's not true because I lived in a haunted house. And if there's a haunted house, then somebody, there is an afterlife. Because there was definitely a haunted house. Where did you live? It was a lake house. Where'd you live? It was a lake house outside of Austin on Lake LBJ in Kingsland, Texas. And we had to sign documents at closing saying that it had been told to us that it was a haunted house. You have to do that in Texas.

And they had two mediums, and I'm an extra large. But two different mediums came in and said the same exact thing. The ghost's name is Whitey Sour. Oh, my God. And he was the barber for the town. And they couldn't tell why he was still there, but he was obviously there. He could take – and he would do these things in front of people. You could take a pot of water right out of the tap put it on the stove stove

turned off and just sit there and wait and it'd start to vibrate and then it'd vibrate to where the waves came in from the center to the middle and then bounce up in the middle and then you could get a hold of it because you're obviously stronger than the ghost you can settle it back down and let go of it and he would do it again so and I know that I mean I happen to just know that to be a fact that I lived in a haunted house

how many people do you think have actually lived in a haunted house and how many people are just fucking crazy because that's the problem if you really did live in a haunted house and I believe you did you know that some people who have told similar stories are just fucking crazy and that might be the problem the problem is trying to differentiate between real unusual experiences which may or not be possible that can happen to anybody right just because it hasn't happened to you or hasn't happened to me i'm walking through life assuming that it's bullshit but if it did

happen right in front of you you'll go holy, how am I going to describe what this is? How many people are pretending things like that are happening now? I don't know. But it's just something that I've always been able to say after I've lived there that I know for a fact that something happens afterwards. And I had a talk with Whitey. I bought the house and was still making payments to his daughter. And whenever we first moved there, my girlfriend at the time, her uncles helped move her stuff down there. And they had a bunk bed set up in my son's room, but they didn't want him.

They had a mattress on the bottom but not on the top. And he put his shoes up there. And during the night, for no reason, the shoes got pushed off and fell and hit him in the chest. And it was totally Whitey. Fucking Whitey. Fucking Whitey. And so the next day, I walked into that room and I said, Whitey, listen, I'm going to make a deal with you. I love it that you're here.

It's fine with me. We have one of his chairs that we wouldn't let anybody sit in. It was his chair. And I said, well, I'm going to tell you something right now. You fuck with my little boy, I'm going to hit your daughter in the mouth. Because I saw her every month when I made the payment. So if he was going to jack with my little kid, I was going to fucking punch some teeth in.

You're going to punch his daughter? Not really. Not really. But it's a good threat to a ghost. You were going to punch his daughter? Not really. Not really. But it's a good threat to a ghost. You threatened a ghost. That's so gangster. Yeah. You know what?

And he never, never, ever saw any activity in that room again. My grandparents had a house where a guy died in the house. And they always claimed that they saw him. He was like a guy who rented a room in their attic. And he died. And my grandmother always would swear that she could hear him walking around up there, that he'd be there. You know, we know that most people hear ghost stories, and they go, get the fuck out of

here. It's because so many ghost shows. I mean, how many times can you watch a person go into a basement with one of those night vision screens on and look at nothing and go, did you hear that? What was that? Oh, my God. They'll have entire television shows dedicated to one thing and like an egg will move an inch over a year or something. I think it would be super arrogant to assume that it's not possible to go surreal, that you just haven't experienced them yet.

Most people haven't experienced them because there's all sorts of types of life, right? There's people that are born with birth defects that make them tiny. And other people are born with gigantism and death is, and life itself is not like this perfect mathematical science. It's filled with all sorts of mistakes and errors and weird shit. If there's a transition between this stage of life and the next stage of life, would we assume that it would be perfect? No, we'd assume if there is a spirit

or some sort of a soul in people, we would assume that that transition sometimes misses. Sometimes you get caught in the howling in between the worlds, and you just ricochet back and forth off of both places. Well, you can't unsmoke that joint, can you? Can't. Not anymore. Not anymore. Hey, you know what?

I'll tell you something. It's kind of an interesting story. My uncle, who's a preacher, Southern Baptist preacher, brilliant man. He has three doctorates, psychology, philosophy, theology. Wow. And fun, fun, fun, fun guy to talk to. And was at one time the president of the Southern Baptist Convention, Dr. Charles Pollard is his name, which is a very, very powerful position to have in the South to be the president of that convention.

So I was talking to him. That was a long time ago, and they have a lot of disagreements. He kind of had a nervous breakdown, and he showed up at my grandmother's birthday party and he had a, had a ride in a Harley with no shirt on. And then he went down and he taught the gospel according to Charlie for a while. But,

uh, this is what he said. This is what he told me. Uh, cause we were just talking about this exact thing. What, what he goes, he goes,

well, Ron, uh, here's what I believe believe i believe that when we die we're gonna be surprised that's all he's got that's all he's got after all these books all these things years of the that's all he's got is no fucking clue you know when was young, I was real dismissive of religion because I was real religious at one point. When I was, like, real young, I went to Catholic school. And I was really, it was a good experience because it was a bad experience.

So I realized these are, like, these mean, flawed people that are teaching what they think is supposedly God's word. And I became, like, a very anti-religious person for a long time, where I thought of religion as being like an ideology that controls your brain. And, but as I've gotten older, one of the things that I've been thinking more and more is that although the Bible's definitely been altered by a bunch of different people, there's a difference between the old Testament and the new Testament and even the translations of the old Testament, they were trying to say something.

They were trying, they wrote this fucking thing down and passed it down more than anything else. Like the Bible is almost like the story of life. Because if you go that far back, there's no other stories. You go far back in the Old Testament, there's no other fucking stories. There are no books. You have to go to other cultures that had similar stories right and that they're all the same thing like the epic of gilgamesh so similar to like no

in the ark there's all these but oh they're right all these similarities they were trying to tell us about something right and most of it was be a good good person you know i mean that was his christ message i grew up in the watching my uncle preach and uh so when i was a kid i loved church i mean i loved it loved it i love to go watch him preach i'd go watch him preach on sunday sunday night and go watch him preach on wednesday and uh charismatic uh funny uh and uh just uh and he comes from nowhere. His mother was a hooker. Wow. But all a self-made man, and so I loved it.

And then we moved, and I went to a regular Baptist church, and I was like, this fucking sucks, man. Get me out of this motherfucker now. Where's the youth group fun? You know, we used to have these youth groups. It was more fun than I'd had anywhere else. We went on a choir tour uh where we had raised money for it selling pens or whatever the fuck it was and then we all piled on a shitty bus and took off singing in churches and uh and it was a you know it was freedom it was total freedom because i could buy, I could eat whatever I wanted. I had $3.50 at 13 years old, 12, 13 years old, 11 maybe,

to spend in any restaurant I wanted. I could get whatever I wanted. So every meal, chili and French fries. That's all I want, baby. You just go bring me the chili and the fucking French fries and pile them up right here. But once I found out that there are these really great orators and there are some really horrible ones.

Well, it's like comics. It's like people who write books or actors, all of the above. There's always a bunch of that. He made no bones about it, too, that if somebody was coming in to look at him to preach at a bigger place, he would pull stuff out of his repertoire, you know, because he's got a killer 45 on something particular that he murders with. Yeah. And he didn't make any bones about that to me. He goes, yeah, they're coming in to watch me, so I'm going to do my life story or whatever, which is great, you know.

I wanted to do my life story or whatever, which is great, you know. Well, like you were talking about with your material, that it takes like three years to really ripen. I'm sure that's the same thing. He had to come up with a new show every fucking Sunday. And then you couldn't do the same thing Sunday night or the same thing Wednesday night because you had people like me at every show. It's a lot of jazz, right? A lot of improvisation. Yeah.

A lot of recalling facts. It's kind of like Dr. Phil is because Dr. Phil does three of those shows a day with no script. Has no idea what he's saying walking into it. No idea what's going to happen when he walks into it. And I'm going to tell you right now, nobody else could do it. You could do it. Shut the fuck up. I could not do now, nobody else could do it. You could do it. I could not do it. Shut the fuck up. How dare you?

I could not do it. I couldn't do it. You know how many days a week, a month I'm actually interesting? Like four. And the rest of them, I'm getting a fucking, I'm getting a dial tone

the rest of the time. I'm getting a dial tone. I'm telling you. But Doc, I mean, just three hour long shows a day with no script. You could do that all day long. Fuck no, I couldn't. Yes, you could. I couldn't the dial tone. I'm telling you. But, Doc, I mean, just three hour long shows a day with no script. You could do that all day long. No, I couldn't.

Yes, you could. I couldn't do it once. Yes, you could do it just like this. Like you're doing it right now. There's no reason why we can't get a direct Ron White. You haven't noticed you're carrying this conversation? I'm not. There's no fucking way I am.

That's the weed. The weed's fucking with you. You've been telling some amazing stories. How dare you? Ron White, you? All right. Ron White, you can do it. There's no reason why. Somebody figured out that Dr. Phil can do it.

He can do it. He did it. He's doing it. He's currently doing it. Somebody figured out that he can improvise about health and all that. You could do what you're doing right now all day, every day, whenever you want to do it. Yeah, but you don't need any help. What are you talking about

i need a fucking shitload of help well i know but if you're gonna you're gonna still make it home either way you know but these are conversations right there's to be banter and then in banter you're fucking hilarious like how dare you you know what i got offered a t a radio job one time when i was uh and it was probably for twice what i was making as a stand-up comic and it was with eddie fingers in uh cincinnati and uh uh and i was really 125 000 bucks and uh and i'm like that's a lot that's a bunch of cash to me at the time start thinking about getting a boat right i might just buy a boat a boat you know mistress that's the thing about money is that you think that the rich people have twice as much money as

you but they don't they have a thousand times more money than you the real rich yeah so 125 but anyway but what i realized was that they saw me come in once a year and murder on their radio show. But getting that out of me every day, there's no way. Ron White. You got five days a week. This is where we differ. We have a problem here. Because I fucking hang out with you all the time now at the comedy store.

How many times have we drank together? A dozen? Yeah. At least. Maybe two dozen. Every fucking time. it's been this. It's been awesome. Oh, well, but, you know.

I'm just saying, don't count on it. I'm fucking counting on it. How would you possibly count on you not being you? I don't know. That doesn't make any sense at all. Yeah, I don't know. What happened to that joint? Oh, we got another one, man.

Fuck that one. That one's gone. Oh, no, no. I like, man. Oh. Fuck that one. That one's gone. Oh, no, no. I like how Ron White thinks. This is important. We're already struggling with reality. Right. So let's get a little-

Ron White thinks, notice, notice you're the one carrying the conversation. Like, what the fuck? He's telling like 10 epic stories. God damn it, Ron White. Why is it that something, I don't want to make you embarrassed, but why is it that something that all the great comics have where there's this ridiculous humility in a lot of ways?

You know? I had a conversation with Dave Chappelle once. Dave Chappelle and I were talking. We went to this fucking Hollywood party. That was like deep up in the hills. It was Naomi Campbell's birthday party. It was a 50-foot tall naked photo of Naomi Campbell. We had to go to a place, and we had to park.

And then from where we parked, we had to get in a bus that took us to this fucking house. This house was ridiculous. And I get up there with dave and i was like it was so many it's so weird it's like demi moore was there and ledney kravitz was there and all these famous people were there i saw like a ton of famous people and i'm like dude this is so weird there's like this gathering of famous people like this is so strange it was yeah man i would never be one of those i don't want to be one of those i go what are you talking about like you're the most famous person in this fucking room and he looked at me like what man, I would never be one of those. I don't want to be one of those. I go, what are you talking about?

You're the most famous person in this fucking room. And he looked at me like, what? And I go, dude, you're the most. We're both ba-aked. Right. I mean, we're beyond high. Yeah. We're beyond high.

And we're hanging out at this famous bar. I go, dude, you're the most famous person here. He goes, Joe, stop lying to me, man. I'm like, there's no doubt you're the most famous person here he goes joe stop lying to me man i'm like there's no doubt you're the most famous person here yeah i was playing uh denver and he was working at the he was working out stuff at the at the comedy works in denver which is one of the best comedy clubs in the country too one of the best and uh it's right up there the ice house he was uh he you know he was in there all week you know doing sets, and so he called. And I paid to see him in Santa Barbara like a year and a half ago.

Wow. We were walking down the street, and it was for sale. We walked up. You just didn't even know he was there? No. You just told, oh, wow. No, I paid. Me and my wife paid, walked in, sat down.

And just howled. That's awesome. And just how. I mean, he's kind of like you in a way. He'll walk out on some pretty thin limbs and just jump on them. And has a punchline to back it up with. And I was real, real impressed. And then he called me when I was in Denver and said,

would you come out and do a sec? Because I was coming in a day early and in front of me. And I'm like, oh, fuck, yeah, I'd love to. But anyway, after a set here one night, here, like we're at the comedy store, I was leaving and I was walking up to my car and he's got a bunch of people in a big old huge SUV. And he goes, Ron White, you're coming with us. I said, no, I got to go home. No, you don't. No, you don. And he goes, Ron White, you're coming with us. I said, no, I got to go home. No, you don't. No, you don't.

No, you don't. You're coming with us. You have to come with us. You are coming with us tonight. Get in this car. And I'm like, okay. So we went to some club. Couldn't tell you where it was.

I mean, you know, not that far, downtown somewhere, but really no door, no name, you you know just to get through it and and what it what we did is we went out and we saw how much fun it was to be dave fucking chapelle you know that i go to the comedy store because i'm famous when i'm there you know it's you know i'm not famous everywhere he's famous everywhere and uh and he's also you know fun about it, you know, fun about it. Yeah. You know, some people, I mean, he'll go engage every table and talk to them. I mean, he's not, you know, come here, come here. Oh, get away, get away, get away. No, he's a great guy. He's a weirdly great guy.

Always has been, too. I think I met Dave when he was like 18 or something. He was always like just a super nice guy. Just always been very genuine, you know, and in the amazing pressure that you face and being, like, in a lot of ways, the voice of a comedic generation. When he was doing Chappelle's show,

it was sort of the defining show of that generation. I mean, there's really no parallel. He does, like, what, two seasons? Did he do two seasons? Yeah, and then he had a 50 million dollar contract and he showed up in Africa or something I don't know exactly what happened but and had some of the best sketches ever right that one with the blind guy Who didn't know that he was black and he was a white supremacist? Holy shit KKK and he didn't know that he was black because he was blind

it is one of the funniest bits the fucking universe has ever seen right he didn't he did it for two years and it sort of when when they tried to change his show and he just walked away that's sort of like i you know what i don't know that anybody tried to change the show i i know they did no you do okay then but what i you know that he couldn't go into stand-up because they wouldn't leave him alone you know he couldn't start going because right then he was ripe to play every major whatever and whatever he wanted to sell he could sell it still can't and uh but they would uh rick james bitch they mean they would just scream at him the whole time and i can only imagine how frustrating that would be and uh but that happened for a little while

yeah but now it's security heavy i mean if you want to get thrown out of his show there's a good chance you will yeah because there's a bunch of big guys walking around and then they're you know they try to stay pretty low but if you're if you think it's going to be about you and chapelle exchanging uh pleasantries you're wrong you're going to be shut up and then thrown out and uh so but and i i get it i'll have somebody thrown out of one of my shows in a two seconds if they think sometimes you just have to all right i saw chris talia's instagram the other day and there was some uh couple that was leaving and apparently they were just really rude to him during his show and they were yelling out you're a loser and all this shit and he and he you know chris is so silly he's on chris is so

silly he's on stage he's like bye you fucking idiots and like you know he's laughing about it he's like one more thing one more thing, one more thing. Bye, you fucking idiots. And the whole crowd starts cheering. It's so ridiculous. But this couple apparently, they just wouldn't stop heckling him. They wouldn't stop calling him a loser. Like, imagine paying to go see somebody and then calling him a loser. Like, what the fuck?

Like, what the fuck? Like, what happened? What happened? Who needs a hug? Who needs a hug first? I got a pretty zero tolerance policy. I mean, because I'm not going to banter with you at all. I'm going to ask you to shut up.

And if you don't do that, then I'm going to tell you this. Things have been set in motion that I cannot stop because you didn't listen to what I said last time. And I can't because if I do that, somebody's already walking over and they're going to get thrown out. Well, I'm not talking about some fucking Mortal Kombat. God damn. Yeah. Well, some people, you know, there's a lot of different kinds of people, folks.

Some of them just don't get it. They're just too frustrating to interact with. They just want to make it about them and scream out, interrupt a show for whatever reason and it's not their fault maybe it's the way they were raised maybe it's the fucking genetics they were handed they don't go to the theater a lot there's a lot of things they might be drunk they might be fucked up they might have anxiety who knows yeah i think sometimes they think it helps you know that that to give the comedian something to do you know to i think

they think it helps i don't think they're trying to stump the comedian something to do. You know, I think they think it helps. I don't think they're trying to stump the comic most of the time because me or you handling a heckler is like playing ping pong with a chicken. It's so fucking easy, you know. But I just don't want to do it. I don't want to spend any time doing it i want to spend all my time entertaining these other bunch of people i agree but occasionally i will i will open to the fact that this is there's a weird exchange between a comedian and an audience

a weird exchange and occasionally people say shit that's fucking funny you know it is unfortunate i should be i should be more like that and i'm not i'm not i'm so i'm so fucking humorless and uh because because i you know i'm i bounce laughs off a laugh so i'm that's what i do i dribble i'm a pace rhythm timing boom boom boom so i'm gonna start you here i'm gonna dribble you to here and then i'm gonna be slamming you. But if you stop me, then I got to go, okay, fuck. You're right. And I'm going to start dribbling down here. But I'll get there quick.

But, I mean, it always makes me mad. And it shouldn't make me mad. That shouldn't be the reaction. But it does. It makes me mad because I have what I want. Right. And you're fucking it up. That definitely does happen.

That happens too. I just think every now and then someone says some funny shit. No, you're right. I should. I mean, I should. Lighten the fuck up. I'm a fucking comedian. I had this one joke.

It was this one time. One of the best heckles ever. I was in New Jersey. I was doing a theater in jersey and i had this one joke or about uh kim kardashian meeting the aliens and i'm like well who do you think is the most famous woman in the world and this guy goes your mother and it's the way he said it it was like the perfect timing or maybe he might have said your mom your mom i think he said your mom i was like this is fucking hilarious your mom anytime you can say your mom. Your mom. I think he said your mom. I was like, this is fucking hilarious.

Your mom. Any time you can say your mom, it was your mom. That's funny. I mean, that's 80% of the banter that Ari Shafir and I have with each other. Was it your mom that sucked all those dicks? No? Okay. The guy never heckled again.

It was the one heckle in one show. Right. It was like perfect. He went in like a ninja. He dropped a nuclear bomb. Boom. Your mom. Out. And it got a show. It was like perfect. He went in like a ninja. He dropped a nuclear bomb. Boom. Your mom. Out. And it got a laugh.

It got a laugh. Now, did you tell him that don't try it again? No, I admitted it was really funny. Like, whenever you can say that, that's fucking funny. I wonder why I can't do that. But I sure can't. It just pisses me off. Sometimes.

I agree. I agree. I'm not a heckler supporter. I think you are. I'm not. I'm just saying what a live show is really is some weird interaction, right? And I think people like to know that you're right there. Well, when I'd been doing stand-up for six years and I was headlining comedy clubs, I

prayed to God somebody would heckle me cause I couldn't get to 45 minutes without it. So, uh, you know, I needed about four or five minutes of jabber and, uh, asking hayseeds where they're from and, and, and, uh, but it, which is pure third grade comedy. And, uh, and I'm clearly a fourth grader. How long is it before someone does a hologram show where you go to a theater and the holograms are so good that it looks like it's really Ron White? It's already there.

But you're on the other side of the planet. Right. It's already there. You think so? Yeah. You think so? Yeah. It's on whatever, Rodeo Drive.

There's a company over there on Rodeo Drive that are doing the most amazing. The thing is, it still needs to evolve. Right. You know, it's like these, well, anyway, it still needs to evolve. Did you see when they did it on CNN, when they used it for the elections one year? They had like Wolf Blitzer in the hologram. Do you remember that, Jamie? What was that about? They tried that like one time.

This is freaking people the fuck out. What, it was Star Wars? Is he going to beam up now? What the fuck is Wolf Blitzer doing in a hologram? Can't you just put a camera on him wherever the fuck he is? Why do you have to show me a hologram? What's going on here? People just... Right.

Well, but it's now they just can't do it for as long as they want to. Right. So without it just costing a gillion dollars. But eventually you can do it on your fucking phone. Wow. You can project an image of something you're thinking right there in front of you. Look at this woman.

She's glowing. She's like, help me, Obi-Wan. You're my only hope. Look at this woman. She's glowing. She's like, help me, Obi-Wan. You're my only hope. This is my pussy. CNN's Jessica Yellen via hologram from Chicago. It's a really fucking cool looking hologram, but she's got a weird- Oh, I didn't even know we were watching something about holograms.

I thought you were talking to me. You're watching television. Look at it. It's right there. That's that woman. That was the one they did it on CNN where they had her as a- This was during the McCain-Obama. Oh at it. It's right there. That's that woman. That was the one they did it on CNN where they had her as a, this was during the McCain Obama. Oh, wow. And she's a hologram. And they did this on CNN. She's glowing like the, this is so freaky. This is so like sci-fi.

Like I think America was like, no, no more of this. You know what else it is? It's really bad radio because nobody can see it. Yeah, but there's a lot of people watching on YouTube, too. We'll tell them. Okay. Yeah. This is also on YouTube. Wait, what are we going to tell them?

CNN's Jessica Yellen via hologram. Just Google that, and you can watch this video. CNN hologram first is a video we're watching. And you can play that, record it, and play it while you're listening to Joe and I's banter. Just tell me what you're seeing. Cut it. Does this freak you out when you see this person with this blue glow around them? Like there's some fucking alien.

What are they preparing us for? It looks like money to me. I don't want to go straight Alex Jones here, but I would say that looks crazy. Yeah. How long before people start doing stand-up like that, where the audience will heckle, but it won't work because you're not really there. So it'll only work if everybody shuts the fuck up.

You just keep on moving, just blow out a thread. Sometimes I feel like that. Well, what they'll do is they'll film you doing a set somewhere in front of a crowd with this hologram thing projecting it. So you'll do a live show, but the live show is only going to be for the people right in front of you. Instead of a DVD, it'll be something that maybe I could be in your living room at some point for a limited amount of dates. No, I still can if you have a lot of money. But eventually, I'm just saying, where does it stop?

Where does it stop? If you can do that right there, then eventually you'll be able to do it on a small scale. I brought my drone. There's a drone now that will follow you and take pictures of you. Have you seen that? It floats above you and take pictures of you. Have you seen that? It's like it floats. It floats above you and films, films pictures of you. So you can, like, film stuff.

I have one. You have one of those? Yeah. What do you do with it? Well, lately, now that I live at the Montage in Beverly Hills, I fly it down Beverly Drive and just take footage of it and turn it around, snapshots. But the thing is, I used to live off a canyon, right? So if it crashed, it was just going to go into the canyon. Now it goes into some kid's head if it fucking falls out of the sky, right?

How often does it fall? Never. But I still can't keep from thinking about it every once in a while. It is fucking weird that you could just have a robot that flies around. You can go right over

to the Beverly Wilshire and just park it right in any window you want. And if those curtains are open and you want to watch those people fuck, they're going to get pissed when they see that

goddamn drone. But, you know, they don't know who's flying it. What are we doing? And it goes 80 miles an hour. What are you saying, Jamie? It's going to fall out of the sky here in a second.

It's going to fall out of the sky? Yeah, it's just one of the new GoPro drones a couple weeks ago. Oh, shit. They were over a baseball field, and it took a nosedive. Didn't hit anybody. But that's just luck. But it didn't fall on Beverly Drive either during Christmas season. Oh, my God, that's crazy.

So that thing just fell out of the sky. Did you see the one where the guy? That looks like bullshit to me. It happened. I'm pretty sure. This looks like bullshit, though. This pose looks like bullshit. Maybe I'm just too quick to call bullshit.

But did you see that one where there was a guy that was on the skiing slopes and he was in some sort of Olympic competition or something, and the drone fell behind him? Like, right behind him. Like, barely, barely missed him. Right, but it was a big drone. Big drone. Yeah. With, like, a movie camera on it.

Yeah, here it is. So this guy's skiing. What is this competition, Jamie? The Olympics or something. Oh, shit. And look at that. See that drone? Oh, he camera on it. Yeah, here it is. So this guy's skiing. What is this competition, Jamie? The Olympics or something. Oh, shit. And look at that. See that drone? Oh, he never saw it. He never saw it, but it fell right behind him.

Like, this is crazy, man. Oh, it would have killed him. It probably would have fucked him up, man. Look at this. With this thing. And you've seen it in high speed. First of all, look at that. Watch.

Boom. Right behind him. And it looks like, it's hard to tell with perspective. right behind him and it looks like it's hard to tell with respect but it looks like just it looks like it busted into about a billion pieces that would have hurt like hell if that hit him yeah you can't do that i'm gonna i'm gonna quit flying it over uh beverly drive that's uh you know can tell, I can tell in my gut when I'm doing something if I shouldn't be doing it.

You know, I really do have a little signal inside of me that goes, Ron. And I rarely listen to it.

I rarely do. And, but, you know, I think I probably ought to quit flying the drone up and down

Rodeo Drive when I can't even see it. Yeah, I definitely don't have that robot monster flying in the sky, dropping on people's heads like that thing. I took it to, where's the place where Sturgis is?

The bike thing? Yeah. Where is it? Anyway, there's a little town up there, a little casino town, where Deadwood is. It was. I think it is Deadwood. How do I not know where Sturgis is?

Where is it? It's in Idaho. South Dakota. South Dakota. Right. People in Idaho go, we're not fucking South Dakota, bro. Yeah. So it's like that Sturgis.

That's that big motorcycle thing, right? Where everybody gets together and they just ride. I mean, it's a million things. I mean, a million people. This is it. That is insane. See how beautiful this little charming little street's been like this, except for the pavement for, it's since 1785. Holy shit. And it's always been intact because it's always been a town

that always made money in doing something. So, a big gold town, but so it's all intact. So, is all going uphill where he's going right now. And it keeps going uphill for a ways. And then back up to the left is way up a hill is the hotel where I'm at. So I'm going to take my drone and I'm going to just go to, I wanted to shoot.

I want to go down that strip and shoot that street, you know, just from one end to the other. And I had a spare battery in my pocket. And so I took it out front and I took it off from there. And I just kind of walked it over like I was flying a kite. And I get up there and I send it down the street. I just fly it down there just for a practice run. And it's, you know, almost a mile. I just fly it down there just for a practice run and it's you know, almost a mile

and then fly it back up and and And then I fly it back down there again and while it's flying This is really good-looking girl goes. Oh, you're the one with the drone scaring everybody and I said the kids love it and But then I look back around, and it wasn't there. The drone was gone. And then I started running down that hill, I mean, just kind of walking fast, going, where is it? And then I'd send it up, you know, because you can hit an up button. It'll go straight up till you can see it.

And it wasn't that wouldn't happen. I was walking down and then I looked. And once the battery is so low, it takes it just takes over itself and takes us back to where you started from. It was just, you know, taking back to the home base, which is right in front of that really busy hotel. It's going to come in. My little drone's going to come dropping in. So I got to just huff it, and I'm a downhill guy. I am not an uphill guy. And I see the drone flying over my head towards the hotel. I can't stop it. I'm totally out of control.

And I'm just, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. I can't, I mean, I can't stop. I got to get there. I got to beat the fucking thing to the, to the, to the fucking hotel. And I don't, but it doesn't matter. Cause it comes down about an inch or an hour, you know, it just comes in really slow and just lands. And, uh, so I'm like bent over holding a chair, just, uh, uh, uh,

I mean, this is as out of breath as I've ever been in my life, just, ah. And this guy goes, is there any way I can get a picture of me while I'm dying? Is that what you, ah. So are there drones that can navigate around trees and things? These won't hit a wall. They'll come near it and then they'll just stop? If you have that...

What are we doing, Ron White? Why the fuck are we allowing these flying robots to be everywhere? There was a big case in Texas, my son was telling me about it, where this guy flew his drone into another guy's yard and he shot it with a shotgun.

And he's like, well, you're filming my family. And so now it's, you know, who's at fault? He doesn't own that airspace. I mean, it doesn't seem like you'd own a foot or two of it, right, of your own airspace. Well, it's a totally new dilemma. And it's one more piece of technology that brings us, like like weirdly more connected, some sort of strange, almost forced way. Like now we thought the only way to get around was essentially by being on foot. So you could put up a fence.

But now if you can fly in 3D space, well, where am I allowed to go? Where am I not allowed to go? Right. Are you allowed to fly over anybody's house? Yeah. How does that work? And as technology gets closer and closer and closer and closer to whatever the fuck the singularity is,

we're going to probably physically be able to do that. So right now we can't physically fly around. It's too difficult to have some sort of a jet pack type situation. Yeah, listen, those empty promises rang hollow years ago. They did, but as technology improves, there's a possibility. Who knows? There's a possibility within our lifetime of some sort of propulsion system that works on some sort of a vest that you would wear.

Next 100 years, all you've got to do to see what's going to happen in the next 100 years is look at the last 100 years, all you got to do to see what's going to happen in the next 100 years is look at the last 100 years. And that kind of momentum is going to continue straight on until this looks like antique. Why did they ever do it this way? A hundred percent. Everything we're doing is stupid. Everything. So Ron got in a car and drove.

And they did what? They met? You know, I don't know what it was going to be. Yeah, man. These are like the strangest times ever. I really feel like every day feels so strange. Like the fact that Donald Trump is really the president. Like that feels so strange.

Yeah. You know, I didn't vote for the president-elect, but I did get my tax estimates two days ago. And when I looked at it, I was like, go Trump. Now, I don't mean to say that I agree with anything he's ever said in his life. mean to say that I agree with anything he's ever said in his life but you know I don't know how these I don't know how these really rich guys are getting away with paying 3% and I play I'm paying 34% tax on this money and and you know then you know well he did get elected so you know I am gonna get the benefits of those tax breaks I wouldn't trade my country for it, but I'll take them.

It's just fascinating because he's the first truly famous, like super famous guy who ran for president and won. No, Reagan. I don't think Reagan can fuck with Trump in the super famous department. Oh, come on. Reagan was a movie star, dude. I know, but I mean- There was a movie star back when they had three televisions. I was six or whatever I was.

I don't remember how old I was. I don't remember how old I was either. But I remember I was pretty young. I'm not good with numbers. I definitely wasn't voting age during the administration. But do you really think Reagan was as big a star as Trump is? That apprentice, celebrity apprentice show, that was a big hit. Worldwide, no.

Worldwide, no. But U.S. wise, yes. Absolutely. Every bit is famous. And so was Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger, for sure. If Schwarzenegger ran for president, if he was allowed to, he's not allowed to because he's born in Austria, he'd win. He'd fucking win.

I think he'd win. I think if Trump can win, for sure, Schwarzenegger can win. He's a very smart guy. He taught us something very important that I think changed the lives of a lot of people. You can't unfuck the babysitter. Can't do it.

You can't unfuck the babysitter. You can't take that back. Yeah, you can't. It is what it is. So don't fuck the babysitter. It is what it is. Look what can happen. But people still love him. They know what he is. He's, you can't. It is what it is. So don't fuck the babysitter. It is what it is. Look what can happen. But people still love him.

They know what he is. He's, you know. That's why I'm, he smokes cigars at this place where I smoke cigars sometimes, and that's why I'm walking out of a building. I said, hey, Governor. He didn't say anything. But wouldn't you still call him Governor? I would call him whatever he wants.

Sir. I met him once. I think I probably called him brother. Because I call everybody brother. But he was super cool. I met him at the UFC. I'm shaking his hand. I'm like, God damn, shaking hands with Arnold motherfucking Schwarzenegger.

It's one of those weird ones. Certain people you meet and you go, whoa. Certain people you meet and you're like, hey, man, what's up? Nice to meet you. And other people you meet and you're like, I can't fucking believe I'm meeting Sylvester Stallone. It's just weird, you know? Right. It's true.

You know, like that Jack Nicklaus, or Jack Nicholson, rather. Either one. One of them's dead, right? The golfer died, didn't he? Nicholas, yeah. He died? Jack Nicklaus, yeah. But Jack Nicholson.

No, he didn't. Jack Nicklaus is alive. Arnold Palmer died. Oh, that's right. Jack's fine. Sorry, Jack. I'm Jack Nicholson's alive. Arnold Palmer died. Oh, that's right. Jack's fine. Sorry, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Everybody. Everybody involved. If you're listening. Jack Nicholson, though, the actor. If you met him. And he's alive, too. He is alive, too. All these people are alive, Joe.

That's what I'm saying. I knew somebody died. Couldn't figure out which golfer. Yeah, Arnold Palmer. Yeah. But that's one. If you meet Jack Nicholson, you're going to freak out a little bit. Like, you have to.

Yeah, he played through our group at Bel Air one time. I was playing golf with Doc, and him and Joe Pesci played through our group. What was that like? You know what? They just played through our group. It was a par three. I played the course a lot with Doc. But they turned around.

They both gave you the movie star look. It wasn't much, but it was definitely two really, really, really cool famous people. uh two really really really cool famous people you know so it's it's not often i spaz out at uh about meeting somebody but i was in uh i was like the the grand uh marshal at the talladega and margo sang their national anthem so we were like the king and queen of the talladega speedway that weekend and they were filming uh talladega nights was about to come out and farrell was there and uh and we went to this dinner it was a buffet but it was by all these famous chefs supposed to be really you know really nice and and he was in line and i just started walking towards him like a zombie I had nothing to say I had no

plan and then I just stopped myself and went Ron would you go sit down Jesus Christ I was but I'm such a huge fan I was like I and I mean yeah you know I know some other famous people and but you know Farrell you know is Farrell, that's a big deal. You know who else I... Every time I'm around him, and I've been around him several times, is Dan Aykroyd. And every time I'm around Dan, I say something completely fucking stupid because I'm just a gigantic... I mean, I couldn't even tell you how big an Aykroyd fan I am. He's one of the fucking Blues Brothers.

He's well, he's Dan Aykroyd. I mean, come on. Right, no, but that was when I was... We were stopping parties to play this stuff, you know, so he's... anyway. Stopping parties? So he's and I... Yeah, there would be a party going on Saturday night.

It was stop it and turn on Saturday Night Live and watch Belushi and Ackroyd and Bill Murray and all of that. Anyway, it was amazing. But every time I'm around him, I always say something. I mean, not. I know what you mean. It's just like the most unimpressive I could possibly fucking be. It's too uncomfortable. I'm a comic.

He's like, yeah, you told me that last time. I'm like, fuck. Fuck. Oh, come on, Lord. Give me something. There's this fucking interview that they did recently with Jerry Lewis. It is hilarious. Have you seen it jamie

apparently they annoyed the fuck out of him right like jerry lewis is in his 90s and they were interviewing a bunch of people that are in their 90s that still work and they interviewed jerry lewis and i guess they had annoyed him so bad and bringing in a bunch of assistants and lights and cameras and shit so jerry lew Lewis gave them one-word answers. Yes. No. It didn't. So he did this interview with these fucking people,

and the guy starts weirding out. We'll play a little bit of it here. It's on, what is it, Hollywood Reporter? Is that who's doing it? Is it going to come in through my headphones here? Yeah, you'll hear it through your headphones. It's fucking hilarious, man. Seven painfully awkward minutes

with Jerry Lewis. People who are still working in their 90s. Have you ever thought about retiring? Why? Was there never a moment that you thought

it might be time to retire or you would want to? Why? You come from a generation a little older, and I think of Bob Hope, George Burns, Sinatra. Fuck you, they're dead people. You're dead, look. Do you see similarities with them?

None. None? What do you think drives people like you and them to want to keep working? Because we do it well. And how about what's different about performing now for you than, say, 20 years ago? How is it different for you? It isn't.

Not at all? Not at all. i kind of see his point i see both of their points i don't i don't i see nobody's point but jerry's point yeah this guy's asking ridiculously stupid questions to one of the most famous comedians or comedians but certainly the best comedic actor one of the best comedic actors that ever lived and he's asking him why aren't you more like your dead friends oh well

cause I'm not fucking dead yeah I think I think with a guy like that if you're gonna have a conversation with him

it's gonna have to be like in a podcast form and it's gonna have to be with someone who really respects him. You know, someone who's going to have a conversation that at this point in his life, after all the movies and all the stuff that guy's done, he probably doesn't want to deal with any bullshit anymore. You know?

And it seems like to him, it was like, this is stupid. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I doing this? This feels uninspired. You know what I did the other day? This was the worst fucking decision I ever made. Not the worst, but a really bad one. My mom's in town, and we're staying at the Montage because the house got destroyed.

I'm like, Mom, what do you want to do she goes well i've never been to the labrea tar pits and uh i'm like well that's kind of like a puddle of mud uh with a nice well i'd like to go on one of those tour buses and uh i'm like all right, I'll take you on one of those tour buses. I'll take you. So we go on the TMZ bus because I saw the TMZ, the big double-decker things, but that's not their bus. They advertise for TMZ on the side of those buses, but their buses are little buses, and they have a big bunch of television screens, and they just blast all this footage of the, I mean, everywhere you go, what happened there, every time Paris Hilton was on their show.

You're so, real fucking loud, really, really, really annoying. And I was like, mama. I mean, because we thought we were going to be really passive, you know, like, and that's where Jerry Lewis lived for 45 years. And right there is where there's George Carlin's house. You know, but no, it was in your face loud. It was like you were forced to watch an episode of TMZ. And somebody tied you to a fucking chair and wouldn't let you go and just turned it the fuck up. That's how fucking annoying it was.

And it's just horrible, horrible, horrible. And so at one point in the tour, they said, we'll be passing the Montage Hotel. And I'm like, let's get off, Mom. And she goes, yeah, let's get out of here. So we scooted off. But it was nightmarish. And I like those guys at TMZ, and they're friends of mine. But God, would you please fucking turn it down, my mother?

I brought my mother. I brought my mom. I feel bad for the guy that was asking the questions to Jerry Lewis, too. Because he probably thought he was going to have a nice, friendly conversation with a legend. Probably totally intimidated. He's in Jerry Lewis's house having a conversation with him, and it's going to that one answer, one word answer place. No. Why?

You know, when he starts doing that, it's like you're in verbal combat. But listen to what the questions were. Terrible questions. I mean, the guy's 90 years old. He's talking about why aren't you more like dead? I agree. I agree. I agree. How do you answer that question?

It was a poorly designed conversation. Horrible. Horribly designed conversation. And it was obviously that's how Jerry Lewis felt. And you could tell the guy was asking the question. It was kind of, you know, he was treading on water. He was trying to figure out how to get the fuck through this while he's talking to this living legend. And he didn't figure it out. No, he didn't.

He didn't figure it out. No, he should have. He probably meant well. Yeah. He probably meant well and just ran into everything. Yeah. Right. Unpreparedness.

Unpreparedness. Yeah. It's just, that's a weird gig too. The ability to ad lib and ask questions to some living legend like Jerry Lewis and just not realize while you're doing it that your narrative that you set up in your head is probably disrespectful to him because you're comparing him to all these dead people. Right. Saying why he's still working. You're essentially saying why he's still alive.

How do you not catch that? Yeah. How do you not catch that? It's got to be fucking, you know, you almost have to wonder why he decided to do it. I guess it's just the Hollywood Reporter, right? It's a big deal. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you know, I don't

know that maybe... Does he still sell tickets? I don't know that he works. I think he does. I think that's what the guy was talking about. See if Jerry Lewis still has stand-up shows. I think he had just got done... Fuck, I'd pay. I'd pay, too. I'd go see that. Fuck, yeah. just got done. Fuck, I'd pay. I'd pay, too. I'd go see that. Fuck yeah.

Bill Burr and I had talked about going to see Bill Cosby before the scandal broke. And we had talked about going and either one of us flaked. I don't remember what happened, but Bill wound up going when he was somewhere in California. We were going to make a separate trip to Vegas just to see

Bill Cosby. And Burr said he was fucking amazing. Said he was somewhere in California. We were going to make a separate trip to Vegas just to see Bill Cosby. And Burr said he was fucking amazing. He said he was fucking amazing. And then the scandal broke afterwards and the touring stopped and it just became a totally different thing. We have that VIP company and we

do other people's VIP stuff besides mine. We do other people's and we had just signed Cosby, and that stuff breaks. And he would have been the perfect client for it because he's looking for trim anyway after the show. So he's going to want to hang and sell it. It would have been great. Probably would have been our best client. And he still sold a lot of tickets after that.

Look at this. An evening with Jerry Lewis, Saturday, November 12, 2016. So real recent. Yeah, that was the last show I could find listed. Wow, that's a really recent show. Where was it? Where was that? St. Louis International Film Festival.

Wow. So that was just probably him talking about that, which still would be fascinating. Yeah, that would be fascinating. But I'm pretty sure he does stand-up. I'm pretty sure Jerry Lewis still does some sort of a stand-up show. I think he had a show that said at the South Point in Vegas. Yeah? But it didn't have any recent shows listed or anything.

Oh, when was the last show? There was an article from September. So he might have had some shows at the end of the last year. So within the last year, he's still working. Yeah, that's still working. Woo. Yeah, that's crazy. Crazy, yeah. I mean, if you go back and watch The Nutty Professor, like we were talking about how that influenced Dice,

if you go back and watch that and just realize there had been nothing before this. There was Charlie Chapman and there was a few movies. Chaplin. I wouldn't say Chapman. Oh, my God, I'm an god i'm an idiot don't listen to me i'll stop now but three stooges you know there was some fucking great shit but god damn man those those guys were like real pioneers like how many decades had movie comedy been around back when j Lewis was doing those movies?

Well, you know, you can look at – here's the thing. Some comics build bridges and most comics walk across those bridges after they've already been built substantially and set in stone. been built substantially and it's set in stone so lewis you know certainly built a bridge that jim carrey walked across in ballerina shoes and he knows it and and uh but because that extraordinary uh comedic talent that comes out of those two people are so identifiable. And I think that Pat Paulson built a bridge that Stephen Wright walked across. Now that doesn't mean Stephen didn't do it better.

But he didn't invent it. But don't you think all of us are in essence, in a way, some sort of a group thing. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Absolutely. We're all kind of influenced by each other's standards. And what you appreciate, like as a comic who's been doing it for as many years as you have, you know, I'm just two years after you. When did I start? August 27th, 1988. So that's about two years after you. Yeah.

I mean. Which means we basically started the same day. Yeah, pretty much. I started literally a week apart from Greg Fitzsimmons. Do you know Greg? Yeah. I don't know him well, but we worked together somewhere. Dude. And he's very funny.

He's fucking hilarious. He's a smart dude. I tell you what, I tell people all the time, man, if you like stand-up comedy, go to the comedy store and make a vacation around it. And go sit in there because, you know, people are going to come in and that room rattles. Rattles. And you better be prepared to do something or you're not going to follow some of these fucking guys. It's really, really strong uh and it's fun that's what makes it so much fucking it's a pirate ship filled with murderers yeah it really is right

killing everybody slaughter fest you're going on after savages oh jesus christ but everybody's riding the wave of everybody else and it's an unbelievably supportive place. Yeah. You stop and think about how much camaraderie and friendship there is between the comedians. You would think if you get all these national comedians that tour all over the place, you put them together, oh, well, ego battles, it's going to be weird. It's the total opposite. Oh, yeah.

That place is a love fest. Yeah, it is. Everybody's hugging everybody and high-fiving and having drinks. You know, I fucking fucking i go on i do my time and uh but i try to hit him as hard as i can right in the fucking mouth and uh and uh because that's what i like to do you know is hit him right in the fucking mouth so and then i guarantee you somebody just got through hitting him in the mouth so they're still wiping blood off their face yeah uh when i get it's my turn to hit them in the mouth, so they're still wiping blood off their face.

Yeah. It's my turn to hit them in the mouth, but I'll hit them in the mouth anyway. But the crowds that you get a hold of are so alive. I mean, there's life. It's like a swordfish on the end of a fucking line. It just vibrates, you know? Joey Diaz was slaughtering so hard the other night in the or that i felt like i was having a religious experience i was in the back room of the or

and joey diaz was slaughtering his face was beet red he was screaming out and i was i was like i was running out of air i was laughing so hard hard. And I remember thinking, like, this is a special time. This is a special place. Like, this is a rare, rare little jewel in the universe of all the different performing arts that this one place has just sort of fucking cracked down the focus. Yeah. I mean, the other night, Chappelle—would Chris Rock bring up Chappelle? Or Chappelle brought up Chris Rock?

Rock brought up Chappelle. How? What? up Chris Rock? Rock brought up Chappelle. How? What? Neither one of them were even on the schedule. Chris Rock pops in and brings up Dave Chappelle. That's why I tell people, come to the Comedy Store. You don't know what you're going to see for your $15. Crazy spot, dude.

But you're not going to see, if you were going to have paid those guys to put a show on for you that you just saw tonight, it's $17,000 a ticket. Or whatever it is. It's expensive. It's also like a really honestly critical place, too. If your new stuff sucks, they'll let you know. Oh, yeah. They don't laugh at anything. It has to be good.

When I first started here, I really had a great little burst of material that I really like. And it's all the front end of my show now. And it's about 20 minutes long that I want for the front end of the show. That's what I want. That's what I'm doing now on the front end of my live show. And so it's – but now, you know, it seems like I'm just playing around with the order of that stuff to see where it works the best and just how to just fucking really slap them in the face with it.

And because eventually, over time, your act will get into a place where it does drift into the spot it needs to be in. But I don't have that kind of time. So I need to look at it and do it different ways and see where it needs to be to just slap the fuck out of them, which is my only goal is to slap the fuck out of them. And when I can't do that anymore, I'll keep doing it for a couple more years. You slap the fuck out of them, and I enjoy watching you slap the fuck out of them.

I enjoy watching you slap the fuck out of them. I enjoy watching you slap the fuck out of them. I feel inspired, you know. You're going to just waltz on behind Rogan. And, you know, you know how big a fan I am of yours. And I didn't, you know, I know exactly who you are. And not exactly who you are, not as much as I do now. But, you know, but I really, I saw you do stand-up in Atlanta one time as a feature act a long time ago, and you just really fucking tore this crowd up,

and I was like, ah, this guy's really good. And so then, you know, I don't, I'm like you, I don't hang out there and watch comics, you know, but sometimes you're right in front of me or right after me, and I just got this huge respect. I mean, it's so much fun to watch. You do physical things I couldn't even do, much less get the words out while you're doing them,

but it's just great writing, and that's cool. That's cool. Well, thanks, man. I feel the same way about you, and I would say that whether or not you just said something nice to me but yeah you know it's I'm honored to be friends with you like bullshit as a comic like that's to me that's an honor you know well I'm well it since I'm now one of the godfather you're the godfather who's gonna like if you've wanted to run for president of

the comic store you just got here and you'd win son of a bitch right you can't I'd be disrespectful if I went up against you I'll be your vice president

no you'd win you'd win oh no no you're the statesman you're the statesman clearly the voice actually whenever Jay McGraw

first met you he was asking me he goes do you know Joe Rogan I go yeah he goes what do you think about Rogan? I go, yeah. He goes, what do you think about him? I'm like, he's a great guy. He's a great comedian.

That's what people don't know. I mean, a lot of people don't know. A lot of people do know, but a lot of people don't know that he's a great comedian. Not a good comedian, a great comedian. That's very nice. I think people know enough. They don't need to know anymore. I'm good.

No, you're a great comedian. You're great. That's not what I meant. I mean, I'm good with them knowing. Okay. you're great i mean i'm good okay all right well i'm just saying that's fine but uh but anyway that's just what i told him i appreciate that uh and uh and he said but he doesn't talk much i'm like huh you know it's it's like you guys were learning how to be boyfriends but you're like he seems kind of i'm you know i don't make small talk but i know you yeah no that's what i told him i said you know what you know you're gonna love this guy he's he's

solid he's he's he's got a big heart he's he's right he's what we're looking for for friends and so uh oh that's very nice man this is a love fest this is a is a big old love fest, Ron White. So now Joe and I are fucking FaceTiming Jay. It's the gayest fucking three-way in the fucking world. If we don't end up beating each other off before Christmas, I'll be shocked. FaceTiming is another level of commitment other than texting with friends. If you start FaceTiming friends, like, whoa. Right. All right, buddy.

Who's got the body they need to bury? You're setting me up. I won't even do that with My wife because I don't want to prove where I'm At you know I don't want to oh really To turn around and show me the interest in an Android phone they can't communicate with each Other that's the move Get yourself an Android phone and she's

Listening to this skyping from the other side I don't do anything wrong I wonder if there's like Some sort of a setting that you can have On you know that they have those goggles? Have you seen these goddamn things now? I've never looked through them. What are they called again, Jamie? Snapchat goggles, right?

So these people have these goggles where they can stream video from their fucking eyeglasses. Anywhere they want. Wherever they are. They can stream video from eyeglasses. To pick up where? Like, I could show you. I could show what I'm seeing. I could look over and see Jamie.

Show it to me. How do I see it, though? Through my phone? People could watch it online. They could check it out online. This is crazy. I mean, we're experiencing some next-level technological innovation shit that's happening. next level technological innovation shit that's happening like some new like even more invasive internet sort of thing this is the next level the next level is you can literally show the

whole world what you see so is this uh i mean because i do periscope this is when i'm really drunk on the bus essentially a lot like that but you don't have to hold on to it. It's on your glasses. So it's similar, and there's a live streaming idea. There's like 30-second clips at a time, too. That's all the shows? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, but I stay on the... You know, it's a blast. We had this thing, because I got a friend that does my VIP stuff on the bus,

and he was also at that first show that I did. So a friend for 30 years. Wow. For 30 years. Holy shit. And so his name's Dave, and when we're going down the road, we're like this. We get just baked. You know, after the show, we travel at night,

and we'll do these broadcasts, and the Big Gay Dave and Ron show, which has no content or anything. But you know what? I don't know that it's growing that much, Periscope. And it's the most amazing thing that you can do a live broadcast and then you can pick it up in Cairo as easy as you can pick it up in Lubbock. I think it's pretty popular. Isn't it pretty popular, Periscope?

I know Scott Adams. Scott Adams had a very popular Periscope. It's changing. I think it's pretty popular. Isn't it pretty popular, Periscope? I know Scott Adams. Scott Adams had a very popular Periscope. It's changing. Twitter owns it. They just made it. Excuse me. It's built right in now to Twitter's apps. So if you hit Twitter and instead of putting up a message, there's a button that says live

video and it's Periscope. It will just open right up. Oh, wow. So they're trying to just figure out how to make it more available for people to be. And do they have a limitation on how long the clips are? I don't believe so. You can go well over an hour. Yeah, right.

You can do whatever you want. That is so crazy. That kind of interactivity that has never existed before. There's never existed anything like that. Scott Adams, like, he was doing coffee with Scott Adams, like, several times a week, right? Wasn't he? Yeah.

Yeah, it probably... I just made that up. I have no idea. doing coffee with Scott Adams several times a week, right? Wasn't he? Yeah. I just made that up. I have no idea. You had no idea. How many times he did it? I can tell. I know he did a bunch of them. Seven.

How many times did he do it? I might have just made that up. Just the easy access to turning it on. It's on now. People know it's on now where you are. Yeah, and you just turn it on

and they get a notification. Ron White. You're right. They do that on Periscope. You should have one on Periscope that says Ron White is drunk and he wants to talk. I've got like. They do that on Periscope. You should have one on Periscope that says, Ron White is drunk and he wants to talk. I've got like 25,000 followers on Periscope. Damn.

I don't know if that's true or not. I made that up. You might get them after the end of this podcast. We'll just tell you you have them and everybody jump on. Follow away. We don't have a good enough signal. I was doing it for a while, but I got bored with the Periscope thing. I'm like, Jesus Christ, am I exposed enough?

Instagram Live just started up. I know. They've been pushing that around. I saw. That's a little limited to an hour, and those videos don't last after. Oh, that's weird. They just disappear. Oh, that's weird.

That's too bad. That's kind of too bad. In some cases. But I would guess that the amount of fucking data that they would have to stockpile if everybody's shit saved. Every fucking dummy out there saved the video of them flexing on the beach. All the fucking stupid videos of some guy telling a shitty joke at a bar. All those things, just gigabyte after gigabyte after gigabyte stored on the Twitter server. They'd be like, fuck you.

That's what happened to the TMZ bus ride. Yeah, that's the problem with the future is that everybody's going to know everything everybody does all the time. There's not going to be as much craziness going on in the next 100 years. In the future, I think everybody's going to know. I think we're about 50 years away from us becoming some crazy hive mind. That's what I think. I'm stoned and drunk.

How long do you think I'm going to live? I'm making some fucking points. You can live. You've got to just eat what I'm eating. You've got to come to yoga class with me. You've got to eat healthy. You live out in the country. I'll send somebody to you.

You're a wealthy man. This is all we have to do. You know what? I've been working with my yoga girl, and it's pretty basic stuff, but I'm working on it. Basic stuff's all you need, man. Basic stuff's all you need.

If you could work your way up to do a hot yoga class. No, fuck. You know, my wife took me to one of those. It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. It's my favorite shit. I walked out. That's my suffer fest.

How often do you do it? I'd never do it more than twice a week, but I really should. I'd practice some of it at home. Like, I'd do some shit at home. You have a really hot room? No, no, no, no, no. When I do it at home, I'm just working on like basic exercises, stretching shit. But never more like in class form than twice a week.

But when I have done it twice a week, I felt better than when I did it once a week. Yeah. But I always do a little bit. Margo's done it for 25 years, and Margo is strong. I mean, she's strong. She had handstands, but, you know, she's big time upper body strong. Do you think she could choke you? Could she get your back?

If you look at her in the dark kind of from behind, if she's flexing her muscles, she looks kind of like Floyd Mayweather. Whoa. I mean, just. That's not fun. I'm kidding. That's scary. No, she doesn't look a thing like Floyd Mayweather. But she's just ripped.

She got ripped back, and she's really, really, really strong. But she does... She's always done that. So I'm... I gotta do something, man. I can't be fucking going into my 70s without being fucking more fit. We just gotta get you on a nutrient-dense diet. Drop a little body fat.

Yeah, what'd you bring to the fucking party? A bottle of fucking whiskey. Yeah. And a joint. But I'm going to have that, too. You know what I had for breakfast? I had a kale shake with MCT oil and beets, raw beets. Then I went to yoga.

You know, we have that new presser, this new juice presser thing at the house. Oh, those are the shit. Yeah, we just got hooked up with it. Oh, man, if you can just get used to drinking juice, just fresh squeezed vegetable juice, if you can just get used to doing that just a few times a day, it'll drastically improve your life. There's so much nutrients and plants that we need, and we fucking escape them for days. We just eat mashed potatoes and meat and shit for days. I don't have any energy for a workout.

You know, I just don't. I get there, I'm tired, I don't want to go. I dread it going in. I dread it when I get there. I dread putting on my shoes. I do. And I don't know why some people are as lazy as I am. And I know that's what it is.

And I used to be a runner. I used to run five miles a day just i would run like crazy and i hurt my knee really bad but i just don't like to go to the gym i hate it but i know i have to i know i have to because my friends are all dying and uh and i'm going to be 70 in 10 years and uh so i've got to so i'm but i know yoga is the thing because this guy, this Dave, Big Gay Dave, is a golfer, buddy of mine, but he's also yoga forever. Well, bless you, Big Gay Dave. Bless you. Take him where he needs to go.

Yeah, man, yoga is – the best thing about it too is it will get your heart rate up. It will be very difficult, but it's going to straighten your body out. It's going to stretch you out. It's going to straighten you out. It's going to calm you down. You're not trying to be a power lifter. You don't want to do anything ridiculous. You don't want to do anything to hurt your back.

What you want to do is something that's going to make you feel better. Well, that's, you know, I had this new trainer. And I told the guy, I said, listen, man, I'm a pussy. Your phone's going off. Don't. Oh, it's my wife. You want to talk to her? No, but play the music that rings when your phone, put it up there.

Powerful Ron White. You know, he's a buddy of mine, Brian Johnson. Really? His hearing apparently is all fucked up from all his crazy concerts all those years. Well, it's kind of an interesting thing because we're talking about the holiday evolution of anything. because we're talking about the holiday evolution of anything. But there was a guy in Australia who invented the in-ear monitors, which destroyed his hearing to begin with.

So he dedicated his life to finding a way to fix that. And so he did. But the problem is, and it does, I mean, if you watch tape of people putting these things on people that are almost completely deaf putting this system in their ears every one of them starts crying wow every one of them and uh so he's he had an open letter to brian johnson said brian i want to come to your house in sarasota i want you to put these in your ears but the problem is it's not portable that it's not it's portable in that it's this big. When you're making like a laptop size.

Yeah, it's thicker than that. Like a large hoagie. Yeah, right. And so, but the technology is there. I mean, it's amazing. And he hates hearing aids and, you know, and he's a curmudgeon. He's the sweetest guy I know. He's a wonderful, wonderful human being.

But you know what was cool about it, man? When Axl Rose started, I was like, should I accept this? No. Should you accept Axl Rose singing ACDC? No. I accepted it 100%. Because I thought, look, it might not be Brian Johnson but it's still Axl fucking Rose. And it's kind

of interesting. Brian couldn't do it anymore. Axl steps in. I like it. I like it. I'm happy with that. That's a freak show but in an awesome way. It's like how often are you going to see this? How often are you going to see Axl Rose singing as a

lead singer for AC fucking DC? Like, wow. Well, their ticket sales dropped by 70%. That's a bunch of pussies in America that don't respect Guns N' Roses. Well, that's true. They don't. But the thing is,

that's Brian Johnson's voice. Brian Johnson's... Back in Black was the second biggest selling album of all time, behind Thriller, and 52 million copies. That's Brian Johnson, not fucking Axl Rose. I 100% agree. And Brian Johnson's still a freak show vocalist. And at some point, you know, his brother Malcolm...

Malcolm was the better guitar player anyway, better than Angus. And Angus knew it. Everybody fucking knew it. Strong words. Yeah, but he was the engine behind Angus knew it. Everybody fucking knew it. Strong words. Yeah, but he was the engine behind that really complicated, it doesn't sound complicated, really fucking complicated rock and roll. And that's why it was so engaging for the whole fucking planet. But it was Brian Johnson's voice, not Bon Scott's.

He was their lead singer for five years. But Bon Scott had some great fucking songs too, right? He did. He did. What were the big hits under Von Scott? Yeah, I don't know. God damn it. Because I've only heard Brian sing them.

But Back in Black, which was the second biggest selling album of all time, was all Brian Johnson. Yeah, no doubt about it. I'm not saying he wasn't so and you know what and i'm wrong as i usually am because why not and angus still loves to play it and you know why not it got ugly a little bit well that's not my place to talk about that but uh but there was like some political shit oh you know but well whatever but yeah And I also heard some reviews that he did a really good job.

Are these all, who sings these, Jamie? These are Bon Scott songs. Which ones? Dirty Deeds? Highway to Hell. Oh, my God! Highway to Hell? Dirty Deeds.

Oh, my God. The best ones. Go back up to Dirty Deeds. That's Brian Johnson right there. Right. It is. If you want to hear somebody sing it. Well, he was fucking amazing.

Look, they were both amazing. I'm not picking sides. But what if Brian Johnson just came out to the shows? He can't do it anymore. Why would he do that? Just because it would be cool to see him there. Oh, man.

I don't know. He's not wheeling them out. He just can't. Could he not hear that sound out. He just can't. No, he couldn't. Could he not hear that sound anymore? He still races cars. I mean, he's got a fucking car team that he races these Lolas, these big old, these guys that were in Pan Am races.

These cars are running 200 miles an hour. He races them now. Oh, wow. And he travels the country. He's got a new car show coming out that I'm going to be part of. No shit. He insisted on. I mean, I think that I'm going to be part of. No shit. He insisted on. I mean, I think we're going to film my part in like a couple of days for the whole season.

But can they in any way restore his hearing to the point where he could start singing again? So how far away are they? And he would. Dude, I felt like, you know, when he stepped out, I was like, this is a weird moment in our love of these epic rock stars. Right. When we see, you know. Well, you know what? The thing is, I went to see Chicago the other day with my son, and it was great.

It was fucking great. There's three guys. One of the singers, the one that wasn't as good, he was replaced by this Irish tenor that could just hit every single one of those notes. And it was great. And I was with my son. We were partying. So the only reason is it's kind of personal to me because he's a friend. And so I know what he was going through that year and also the death of his best friend and the loss of his hearing and then the loss of his band.

And there were only a few dates left, but that's not the way he wanted to go out. But he's Brian fucking Johnson. He's the shit. He's literally a treasure of a fucking guy. He's right up there with Charlie Chapman. Charlie Chapman, Brian Johnson. Yeah, I mean, there's no doubt about it, man.

I mean, he's a fucking epic vocalist. Epic. You know? Yeah. His fucking impact and his intensity got me through many a workout when I was a struggling adolescent. It's still on my phone. Fuck yeah, man.

I mean, that's one of the all-time hardest-hitting bands ever. You could pull up footage, I guess you can, of Margot and Brian on stage in Jacksonville, Florida, in a little club. Oh, shit. Wow. Put Brian Johnson and Margot Rae and see if that comes up. That's awesome. Holy shit.

Oh, good Lord. It was Margot's show, and towards the end of it, Brian was there, and I was like, her band knows shook me all that long. it was Margot's show and towards the end of it Brian was there and I was like you know her her band knows shook me all that long they've been working out all week

do you want to go sing it he goes well I don't know if I can sing I have a phone run I haven't sung in years I have a I have a

fossil at the Hing and oh there it is right there that's my wife Margot this is crazy. This is crazy. This is so crazy. When was this? It was 2014

Three or four years Oh it was Two or three years ago Yeah Wow This is pretty cool She goes Okay a friend of mine Is going to come up and sing a song.

Oh, shit. From ACDC, Brian Johnson. And how many people are in this room? 175. That is insane. Yeah. Oh, my God. That must have been the most epic shit ever.

Yep. To be in that room. God damn, man. I saw Gary Clark Jr. and Honey Honey play in front of like 300 people. Do you know Gary Clark Jr.? He was in an episode of Roadies. God damn, that dude's good. I know.

I know. He's sick. Holy shit. Him and Honey Honey, they played this midnight show in downtown LA. It was just crazy. You know what? That's the thing. You've been waiting for your Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Where's that guy coming from? That's who it is. Yeah. It's Larry Clark. Dude, that guy's, he's got something crazy going on. The way he, he has got such a specific guitar sound. Like he did this riff, and while he was doing this, they did a cover of the Midnight Rider. They decided on the spot.

So Suzanne from Honey Honey didn't even know the words to the song, so she got on her phone and downloaded the words. So she had the words on her phone. She's reading it off the phone, and people got mad because, like, this bitch keeps checking her phone while she's singing. She's literally, she joked around about it. She doesn't know the words to the song. Because although she's a fan, she hasn't sung in years. She doesn't know it.

She probably never sang it live. So she, live, for the first time ever, improvising on the spot, sings her version, unprepared, of Midnight Rider, where Gary motherfucking Clark Jr. Plays all the Dickie Betts parts. Look at this shit. Listen to this. I recorded this from the front row.

Oh, my God. Dude. Oh my God. Dude. I recommend getting out there and doing the Joe Rogan podcast. Get fucked up and listen to some music. This dude is an alien. I feel real comfortable in saying that's the most intriguing guitarist since Hendrix. I feel real comfortable saying that.

Yeah. That's a bad motherfucker and to see that live in like a couple it's not maybe 300 people at the most in that place he sat down and played uh you know he came out whenever my character died he was one of the guys that came to the funeral and sang and the character i don't know wrote he's nobody watched it so but he was You were so psyched about that, man, before it came out. I was. I was. And it was, you know what, it was good. It was really good.

I thought it was wonderful. And the problem was, it was, you know, a lot of people have a fucking hard on for Cameron Crowe for some reason. Really? Yeah. They don't like him? You know, they jumped on this show's back so hard, so fast. You mean the critics did? Yeah.

So it was a bad relationship with the critics, perhaps? Yeah, the first word out of their mouths was just, this fucking is the worst piece of shit. I'm like, what? The one, I love it. I think it's, you know, Cameron always has a sweetness to his shows. I mean, his movies always have a sweet edge to them, you know, no matter what it is, whether it's, you know, Fast Times at Ridgemont High or the whole line of movies. Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous, you know, they all have.

Those two, Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Almost Famous right those are epic movies right yeah oh yeah absolutely and Jerry Maguire won best

somebody won something for something and Jerry Maguire oh yeah he didn't show me the money Cuba Goodies Cuba Goodies

Cuba Goodies yeah and so anyway the I forgot what we were talking about. Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise. No. No. Cameron Crowe. Cameron Crowe. No. Oh, yeah, the movie. Oh, yeah.

They just jumped on it. They just jumped on it. They were shitty. Of course. Because they could, and they're cunts, and whoever that bitch is that reviews for Variety Magazine, one day she's going to feel a turd in her throat. Whose turd will it be? It'll be my turd.

Oh, you're going to shit right in her mouth? I'm going to shit in her mouth. Oh, my God. These are strong words. Oh, they're horrible words. Yeah. Okay, maybe I'll just flick some ink on her dress. I think it's going to be way easier if you,

I think about like the kind of sort of grudges that someone can have with someone like him, like Cameron Crowe. It's going to be way easier to avoid that stuff if sort of you're being reviewed by everybody. Instead of just being reviewed by a bunch of like selected outlets like the Washington Post, the New York Times, the Hollywood Reporter,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just the open-ended aspect of the internet is kind of changing that, don't you think? I think so. I think so. They canceled it. My character was going to die anyway. So I was like...

But I still love the cast so much. It was fucking Machine Gun Kelly. He got a fucking huge hit on the radio or just I just did. That kid's cool as fuck. Machine Gun Kelly. You know who it is? I don't know that guy. Oh, he's a.

I've heard that name. He's a young. Jamie just nodded at me like I'm an old man. Yeah, you're. He's a young, old fucking. Unbelievable rapper. White guy out of Cleveland. That's what the world needs more white

rappers fucking crazy the age of trump no they don't need more but they need this one because he's the real fucking deal and he's uh uh he was great in the show just great he was the he really gave the honesty to the fucking show because he because he is a you know big partying rock star. I'm writing his name down. I'm going to buy his shit right after I get out of here. Yeah, MGK, yeah. Nice. Well, it's always cool to see and hear about new shit that's awesome. I heard there's a documentary on Netflix called Rat.

I'm scared. Have you seen it, Jamie? No, but I think I told you about it a while ago. I heard about it. Rat. Is it about rats? Yeah, rats in New York. Jesus Christ, Morgan Spurlock.

Why are you trying to fucking freak me out again? I saw it on there, and I chose not to watch it. He freaked me out about McDonald's. Now he's freaking me out about rats. That goddamn Morgan Spurlock. Rats, apparently, in New York City. There's as many rats as there are human beings. I made that up.

Sounds good, though, right. I made that up. 20 million. Sounded good, though, right? I know. I was with you. In the days before the internet, I could get away with that. Who counted them? I think it's probably pretty close, though, honestly. There might actually be more rats.

Sure. Look how much space they take up. Whoa, look at this. Morgan Spurlock flying over New York with a drone. That's a big rat right there. The space of a Jack Daniels whiskey bottle is about the size of a good... Look at the floor on this thing. Wonderful. It's a beautiful bottle.

It's a beautiful bottle. It'd be awesome for a bar fight. Some shit broke out. Are we out of ice? Do you care how drunk I get? I'm going to have my car towed. That's what I'm saying. Come back fucking car towed. Don't worry about the ice.

There's plenty of ice, Mr. White. Where are you? People are text messaging. My wife is. Tell them you're on YouTube. Out there in Al Gore's interwebs, floating through space. And look, it's Young Jamie with the ice. Bam.

Young Jamie. Camera operator. Ice getter. and look, it's young Jamie with the ice. Bam. Young Jamie, camera operator, ice getter, bad motherfucker. Ron White, what are you doing? Text messaging while I'm here rambling? No, I am. My wife is trying to find me.

I told her this was going to be about an hour. You got to get her a drone, bro. Like a little one. Just keep it right next to you. Right, have it follow me around. Also, it's next to you. Right. Have it follow me around. Okay. All right. But also, it's like practice for your focus.

Okay, bust my fucking balls. Because if you have like an artificial drone. Married with children. Flying over your head like that, like it's, at least it gives you like this mental discipline. You have to ignore the drone. Ignore the drone. Ignore the drone. I got it.

Okay. I'm going to bring her on. Don't do it. Don't do it. Ron White, this will be chaos. We could wrap this up if you want. No, no, I don't want to wrap it up. Oh, she thought it was going to be an hour?

We've definitely done hour podcasts. Only a couple. Like maybe three. I don't care. No, I'm having a blast. Okay. I want to stay here and drink. That's what I'm talking about, Ron White.

Until nobody cares anymore. That's not going to happen. That place isn't going to exist. Send Margo a text and say, I'm still at work. Ron White is at work, ladies and gentlemen. Those cameras aren't on though, right? Definitely not. Why would that be?

Are they? Yeah, for sure. Oh, good. We're streaming. We stream on YouTube. Okay. And the record, and then it gets uploaded after the fact. We put it on the iTunes.

So are we live to anybody right now? Probably, like, let me guess. 10,000 people? Oh, I guessed. Really? Wow. That's a fucking good guess. Holy shit.

Jesus. I wouldn't even have had a guess. I've never asked before. Like, only in the big ones. Like, when we do Fight Companions, what's the most it's ever been? Like, 30 or something? 33,000 or something. 30, yeah.

33,000. The most I can get stirred up on Periscope is about 3,200 maybe. I don't know what I've ever got. I haven't used it in so long. But it's one of those things where if someone found out, like that's one of the things that happened with that Scott Adams guy. Because people found out. They're like, well, this really intelligent guy is also a Trump supporter.

Is he a Trump supporter? No, he's not a Trump supporter. He's literally not even voting. But he's breaking down why he thinks Trump's going to and people are freaking the fuck out like he literally is telling you i'm not voting i'm not voting for anybody because then i'll have some sort of a player in the game he he is a weird guy that scott adams in a good way like he's a sort of defiant he's he defies a lot of your right i mean sort of a Democrat. Democrat-ish. Well, he's very open-minded, I would say.

But he got unfairly labeled as being like this Trump supporter. Whereas I don't think he was a Trump. He most certainly was not anti-Trump. But what he was trying to say. It didn't hurt Trump's program for him to say Trump's going to win for sure and I'm the one that knows. And he also has the background to say he's the one that knows. So it wasn't, you know, it was one of the several blows that Hillary took, besides being a horrible candidate, that she took that knocked it out of her hands. These two people were running against the only people

that they could possibly fucking beat. And if she just wouldn't have said basket of deplorables, when she said that, I was like, Jesus titty fucking Christ. Really? There was a bunch of them. Give them a hammer. Anyway. Just, you know, when people, even people

that wanted to look at it as an alternative vote, like as an alternative to the potential chaos that Trump could cause, you know, and some people looked at it that way, and some people, honestly, I think, I don't know what percentage I would guess it would be, but there's a bunch of pragmatists

that got in there, and when it came time to vote, looked at that fucking ballot and said, you know what? Let's just see what happens. Let's just see what happens if we put this fucking crazy guy in here. We were in England. Why not? And at one of Margot's friend's house, and this guy who I really, really like, he goes,

well, the monkey in me would love to see Trump win. That's me. Yeah, right. The monkey in me. The fucking monkey in me. That's hilarious. And, you know, what could he really do? But, you know, I don't know.

He could definitely do something, but what would he do good? What would a complete shakeup of the system look like? I don't know. You know, and I think that there's this weird defining of things right now where everyone has to absolutely say in one way or another either support or deny. They either

support him or don't support him. It gets to me to be real cultish. It gets to me to be real like fucking patriot pride. You know, yo, I'm fucking, I'm for the dolphins no matter what. It gets real weird. It gets real weird. I wouldn't take a picture of me at a meet and greet because

somebody just brought up the subject. And I don't fucking bring it up at my meet and greets or my show. I used to do one bit about it and that was barely could be conceived as anti-Trump. But because half my fucking fans, I'm not going to lose half my fucking fan base over

a goddamn presidential election. You kidding me? I'm greedy. I'm not a Dixie chick. People will get mad at you about shit like this, too. Oh, the guy literally, they go, he had two girls with him and they took pictures. He goes, you're trying to take a picture. He goes, if he's not going to support Trump trump i'm not going to take a picture with him

and uh you know what i said well you know what there's a door right the fuck there and you can just walk the you can just walk the fuck out of it wow he wants to drain the swamp that's all it is hashtag nobody's draining no swamp though though. There ain't no swamp being drained down there. Dick Cheney emerging as key Trump advisor. Jesus fucking Christ, Darth Vader has returned. We're bringing Halliburton back into this son of a bitch. Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. He's been on ice, it turns out, for eight years. The only Dick Cheney that we've ever seen in news reports has been this artificial dick cheney's dick cheney's cryogenically frozen himself for eight years

to get through the obama administration and then to pop back up in the trump administration with uh it's fully renewed and invigorated he couldn't go three months without having open-heart surgery back when he was right before he was elected christ ron white jesus christ there was a point in time where dick cheney literally did not have a pulse. And I was like, Jesus Christ, isn't this in the fucking Bible? I mean, really. If you want to, you guys want to follow the Bible about the end of the world? I don't know if it's in the Bible, but he had a machine inside his body that pumped his blood and it didn't make a pulse.

So he didn't have a fucking pulse for a long time while he's waiting for a heart transplant see cheney has heart just fucking pop-ups cheney has heart pump but no pulse what that's gotta be a zombie okay are you excited or you're not i can't even tell you know what i put my fucking fingers on your neck and i don don't feel shit, you fucking vampire. And you're still going. You're still going? You're still running Halliburton, and you're the... He's still in politics. He's not fly fishing. You know what? I really thought...

I haven't heard his name in years. I'm like you. I haven't heard his name in years. He had a heart transplant. I had a joke that I could never figure out how to get to work. It was about how one Secret Service agent realized he wasn't really a Secret Service agent. He just had the exact same blood type as Dick Cheney. And they'd be like, well, how come I got to eat tofu and you guys are eating burgers, man?

What the fuck? And they just never told him. How come I got to run every day and you guys don't have to fucking run? Shut up, bitch. Get running. And they'd sit behind him in the car pacing with him smoking cigarettes and then and then one day dick cheney has a fucking heart attack and they open that dude up like a fish and just scoop out his fucking fresh heart

and do some roadside service yeah i can never figure out how to get to work it's very funny but i don't know how you're gonna get it to work it's never gonna work it was just terrible it's very funny, but I don't know how you're going to get it to work. It's never going to work. It was just terrible. It was about heart attacks and dead people and not funny enough. I got baby duck pussy lip tacos to work. One thing I can come from myself in is knowing that Dick Cheney did not get any advantage as far as waiting in line for a heart. Guarantee you, it was 100% fair and across the board. Without a doubt, Dick Cheney did not have any influence whatsoever in anyone moving him to the front of the line

to get a young, fresh 20-year-old basketball player's heart. There's definitely no, no, no, no chance about it. No? Absolutely not. That the motorcycle victim, 17-year-old super stud athlete. There's no way that heart is going into Dick Cheney's heart. No. It's not going to.

Did it? I would guess so. Yeah. So how's he doing now? When did that happen? Did he have a... I don't know, man. Does anybody know?

Didn't know whose heart it was? I don't know. He had a transplant at age 71. Jesus Christ. That's three years ago. Hanging on, son. He suffered five heart attacks, undergone open heart surgery, multiple catheterizations, and angioplasties,

had a defibrillator implanted and a pump attached directly to his heart. All of that before his transplant at age 71. Where some young strongman winner. Now he's a sprinter. They got some fucking kid from Iceland that dropped one of those mallets on his head. And they just grabbed him and just threw him on ice. Sent him over to Jack. Just keep him alive.

Jack's going to be your surgeon. We're going to bring this whole thing back around. We're going to be fine. Yeah, and then that fucking super hearts and Dick Cheney. All of a sudden you see him. Posture looks better. Face starts to suck in a little bit. Loses the jowls.

Hair's growing back. I just don't know why a guy like that would want to still be in the business. Like at this stage of the game, like is it just, he doesn't want to. Just the bailout money from Halliburton was like $150 million. And that was to become vice president.

Wow. I don't know. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea what drives any of those idiots. Yeah, that's what you've got to worry. What's the end game? Where are you going when you're working that hard at 70? What are you shooting for?

Are you trying to save the world? Are you trying to tell people how it is? What is it? No wonder. It can't totally be I want to keep making money, right? Can it be? Ego. Maybe. Maybe while you're alive, you know? It can't totally be I want to keep making money, right? Can it be? Ego. Maybe.

Maybe while you're alive, you're just alive. Maybe all these ideas that we have about people getting older and wiser, maybe that's all just bullshit. Maybe you just get older. Like a lot of people don't get older. They just get older. So if they're fucking crazy when they're 30 and they want to take over the world, why do we automatically expect them to be on some path of self-regulation

and improvement to the point where they become enlightened and they don't want to take over the world anymore now that they're 70 and they've had 15 open-heart surgeries? But no, it doesn't. They're just people. My goodness gracious, Joe Rogan. Right? Hey, you know what?

My goodness gracious, Joe Rogan. Right? Hey, you know what? I think that this has been a lot of fun, and I love you to death. I think it's been a lot of fun, and I love you to death as well. And you know what? I can't believe it took us this long to go do this thing. I'm getting so fucked up that I can't respond anymore.

You're fine. So it's always better if I just don't respond once I get this fucked up. I completely understand your position. But from a fan's perspective and a friend, you've been amazing

and fine. And you could skate right through this like a goddamn champion. Like Tanya Harding before the incident. Right. Remember her? The little fat thighs. fat eyes good lord little freak it spin around fly through the air good last year's amazing that's you right

now that's you right now you just you just have you're like every great comic you have a low self-opinion of yourself the it takes a certain amount of ego to be great i'm telling you right now it takes a certain amount of ego to be great and then a certain amount of ego to be great. I'm telling you right now. It takes a certain amount of ego to be great and then a certain amount of ego to move past that where you have to understand your ego. And you're one of those understand your ego guys and so you squash that motherfucker every time it gets. So you're always looking for self-deprecating moments

even in front of people that love you. Yeah, well, maybe I do. Maybe I do. But it's because you're a bad motherfucker. There's no way you wouldn't be. You wouldn't be as funny. That's a whole part of the whole thing, man. You know, and getting to know you

and be friends with you at the Comedy Store has been really fun, man. Because I love your comedy. I've always loved your comedy. I love watching you work shit out. I love hanging out with you. It's just fun, man. It's just fun.

And having you on here has been just nothing but a blast. I knew it would be. I knew it would be. I knew it would be a hoot. People right now are saying, no, don't stop. No. I still have to drive 45 minutes to get to New Hampshire. They listen to this in New Hampshire? Fuck yeah.

They listen to this shit in Dubai. In Dubai? God damn it. We could have gotten work there if you wouldn't have been dissing them. No, just being honest with them. They're going to straighten their game up. You can't arrest people for saying the wrong magic word. They do.

I don't know if they do. Yeah, I just really... You've got to get their game up. At some point. I did that getting Doug with high or whatever. Did you do that? How was that? I got so fucked up, I couldn't even think.

Doug wasn't there like a flight attendant trying to bring you back into the runway. Come on. I'm a TSA agent. I was there with Josh Blue, who smokes more weed than anybody. Josh Blue, the comedian from Denver who won last comic standing. He has cerebral palsy, right? Funny as fuck is what he is. Really funny.

Very funny. Really fucking good. He's one of the rare people that actually uses medical marijuana. And you can watch it. You can watch it relaxes that fucking tension in his fucking muscular dystrophy arm or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, it's good to bring up. Very important to bring up. Because that's a clear beneficiary of actual medical marijuana, unlike you or me.

Oh, no, that's not true. That guy's using it for medicine. You know what? I was taking Xanax. To sleep? No, to's not true. That guy's using it for medicine. You know what? I was taking Xanax. To sleep? No, to get up. Just to get out of bed? Yeah, for a while.

Ooh, that Xanax is a tricky one. Yeah. How long did you take it for? 26 years. Jesus Christ. No, I'm kidding. I'm not on Xanax. I'm going to step in as a fake pharmacological expert. Yeah with you. I'm not on Xanax. I'm going to step in as a fake pharmacological expert.

Yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not on Xanax. I'm good. I'm good. I smoke a lot of weed, and that's good, and I drink a lot of tequila, but I'd like to thank the Jack Daniels folks for sending this over, because this is fucking delicious. That's a... Wow. Hmm.

Fucking delicious. That's a, wow. Hmm. Man, I think we're all real lucky right now. I think it's just a perspective issue. It's really a perspective issue of understanding what a strange time this is. You know, for all of us. Well, everybody's freaking out about Trump and freaking out about the future.

What are they going to do with Russia? The fuck's going to, you worry about Russia? How often in Ron White's day does Ron White worry about fucking Russia? Well, you know, we're already dead. So, I mean, in my opinion, I don't worry about Russia. I really don't even think about Russia. But I also don't think about any of it.

I mean, not in details, I don't. I was a presidential candidate. My paperwork was completely filled out. I was a candidate for the president of the United States this year. How dare you? Who put you in? I did. You put yourself in?

Yeah. Now, are you a part of the Bilderberg Group, or are you a supporter of any sort of the Illuminati, anything that's going on that's ruling the world? Ron White? No. You're just going to run for president as a normal dude?

How come I didn't hear about this until right now? I don't know. Research? How the fuck am I supposed to know you ran for president? Well, look, pull up Ron White for president. I would have had you in. Who would have tried to raid the election? Are you willing to do it again in four years?

No. No. No. You know what scared me was that I didn't realize anybody was taking this seriously. Who would have tried to rig the election? Are you willing to do it again in four years? No. No. No. You know what scared me was that I didn't realize anybody was taking this seriously. Oh, my God. Ron White for president. Vote smart because you can't fix stupid.

So that's me at my house in Beverly Hills. Oh, my God. That is so hilarious. I've actually never made that face before. So I don't know where they got that image. But it's certainly not me. How weird, man. And so what happened? People took it seriously?

It was crazy. Injured service members. War on the drugs that matter. That was crazy. Injured service members. War on the drugs that matter. I had this war on meth thing that I felt like, because I have the same, I have a comics perspective of the American people. Which means for the last 30 years of my life, I've done nothing but travel back and forth across this country, up the side, down the side, one left, right, right to left.

And I've made these people laugh. I've drank with them in bars. I've had dinner in their homes. I've cried with them when their kids died. And, you know, I know them. Donald Trump doesn't know them. Nobody else up there knows them. I know them.

You know them. I know who they are. I know exactly who they are i know exactly who they are and i know what bothers them and one of the things that bothers them is the meth is just killing everybody and uh and and and nobody ever brought that up in this election that meth the meth even the meth made here not even the meth from Mexico, the meth made here in America, kills more people than ISIS ever will in this country unless something fucking, I mean, you know, this is going on right now. A hundred people a day, dead, dead, dead.

A hundred people a day? A hundred people a day, dead over either the byproducts of doing meth over a period of time, 100 people a day. Easy. How many people a day die from skateboarding? Google that. I'd say half a person a day. You think? Yeah.

What do you think is the most dangerous sport that people die from a day? 100 people a day die from meth? If I'd have been elected president, here's my plan. So this would have been the most dangerous sport would have been to run a meth lab. That would have been the most dangerous fucking sport. That would have been it. Because I would put U.S. troops on the ground, and I would put a bounty of $20,000. If you can show me an operating meth lab, we'll go in there, boots on the ground, we'll

give you eight seconds to give up your meth babies, and then we're going to kill everybody in the fucking place. And we're going to blow the place up. You would kill the dude from Breaking Bad? The teacher? No, I don't think that's real. But if it was real? Yeah.

Fuck. Fuck, yeah. You know what? Because he's killing people, and he knows he's doing it. Right. He knows he's doing it. He's doing it just for profit. He's a profiteer. Could you just enjoy a little meth, like a wine tasting? No.

Just a little? Just a good discipline? I could, but still. I would like to see if Navy SEALs did meth. If you could take guys with a tremendous amount of discipline. Like, if you got Tim Kennedy to do meth one time, I guarantee he's not going to become a meth junkie. Or crack. Crack cocaine is even more addictive. Is it? But

meth, you know, you watch the deterioration of somebody on meth over a 10-year period of time. It could be the most beautiful woman in the world all the way down to skank in 10 years. Completely toothless. Fucking, it's horrible for you. Yeah, man, we're going deep, deep down the world of neither one of us for you yeah man we're going deep deep down the world of neither one of us know what the fuck we're talking about no no

absolutely we're not i told you i feel like a navy seal can smoke some meth i told you a while ago i'm too fucked up to keep doing the show and you're the one that kept going we're just in a civil debate about whether or not a Navy SEAL can smoke a little meth and just put it down and walk away, because he's not a bitch. Okay? No. Right? It grabs your DNA, doesn't it?

I don't think so. Who knows? I think a Navy SEAL could. I don't think a Navy SEAL would do it in the first place. That's the whole key to being a Navy SEAL. But if they did, for like an Army investigation. Yeah, I know. The Army had to find out, is it willpower?

Is it physical? Like, what's the deal? He'd be sucking a dick for a sandwich in the, no, I'm not kidding. They don't want sandwiches. They want meth. Yeah, you're right. If they have meth, the sandwich has no importance.

It seems like for a lot of people that's the case. But the question is, how even are we, all of us? Why do some people have cat allergies? Why do some people have peanut allergies? Like, what the fuck's going on? How many people that smoke meth just smoke it and they go, ugh? How many people smoke meth and, bing, just gets up? It's a high note, right?

Like we did with me and you. I don't think we know, right? Right. Because some people smoke pot and they go, well, I'll never do that again. Right. But I didn't say that. You didn't say that. No.

I don't like things that make me vibrate. And I like to nap. Responsible methamphetamine use and community. I use meth on occasion. I'm not one of those crazies. Oh my God. He says he takes a little puff before work.

I don't know if this is real, but I mean there are people apparently that agree with him and there's a whole community discussion. Bunch of meth heads. Meth heads are all getting together chewing each other's fingers off saying everything's fine. And you know who's pitching in? The dentist. The fucking dentists are fucking going, yeah, yeah, do a little math. Just do a little math.

We're going to make you a metal teeth set. Like that dude from the James Bond movie. Arr. Jaws, remember that guy? Metal teeth. For a while, rappers were going with the metal teeth. Jamie, has that let up? No.

No? Interesting. That's your grill. Yeah, the grills are still in full force? Definitely, for sure. Interesting. Ron White, have you ever considered getting a grill, like maybe perhaps something with platinum and diamonds?

No. Something? No? Nothing? No. Like Lil Wayne-esque, perhaps? That's when Cameron decided to make my character bald. I don't know if you ever saw it or not, but it was pretty funny.

You'd laugh at it. Did you see my character? I I don't know if you ever saw it or not, but it was pretty funny. You'd laugh at it. Did you see my character? I didn't see that show once. If I had known that in any way I could have helped and kept it on the air, I would have watched every episode. How do they find out who's watching? How do they find out?

I feel like a dick for not watching your show now. I think I probably wanted to get around to it, but there's a lot of shit. I haven't seen that... Who's the black superhero? Luke Cage. Yeah. I want to see that show.

I keep hearing awesome things about it. Now I'm in trouble, because I said the black superhero, even though he's exactly that. What other ones? Netflix has a couple. They have Daredevil. They have Luke Cage.

What else do they have? The Punisher, I think. Oh, they have The Punisher. That's right. I'm hearing good things about that. What other one? Netflix has a couple. They have Daredevil. They have Luke Cage. What else do they have? The Punisher, I think. Oh, they have The Punisher. That's right. I'm hearing good things about that too, but more about Luke Cage than anything. I heard a lot of people somebody has a bit about Luke. Oh, Jerron Horton. Jerron Horton has a really funny bit about Luke Cage. Jerron Horton, who opened up for me in Denver

at the Comedy Works. Yeah. Is he from Denver? No, he's from here. He's from L.A. And you brought an opener all the way from... Funny, man. I always bring openers. You don't bring openers? What are you doing?

Taxing people? Whoa, what's happening there? That's my character. Oh, Jesus Christ. What did they do to you? How rude. I'm bald. They made you look like shit.

I like the glasses, though. And the T-shirt. Well, those are the glasses that they didn't like at the fucking audition. Those glasses are awesome. Yeah. Fuck them. That's funny, man. Yeah, the...

So you enjoyed doing that show, though? Yeah. Yeah, it was a blast. The dialogue was a blast to do. You know, you'd like it. You watch episode eight. Is it available on Netflix, or you got to go to a Showtime app? I know I have Showtime.

Do they do it on demand? Is it on demand? I don't know. I saw it was on a TV. I think it was a Delta flight. I think right now those providers, all these different people are trying to figure out how to get that straight. Like so you can watch pretty much. I mean, how many years do you think if you're realistic how many years are we away from everything that everyone makes being able

to be watched online real close it's just got to be some universal currency things universal one click like amazon something along those lines we can get things like on the spot right after they come out because like you know that's going to massively increase how many people watch your show or any show. Because some people just don't want to pay for that Showtime package. Maybe they're broke. Maybe they have one chance. Like, what do you want?

Oh, let's get HBO. Or maybe they're really cheap and they're like, I'm going to go with Cinemax. I'll get Cinemax only. What does that cost? $50. I don't know. I don't know what it costs.

I have no idea. Cinemax is awesome. That's not my point. My point is that if you have it online, if it's easy to get to, you get this open river. It's like the blockades you put up where it makes it hard for people to buy shit. That's what fucks everything up. Like, oh, you want me to sign up? Oh, I don't want to sign up.

I got to put my email address? Oh, here comes the spam. If there was just some one easy way that you could put that fucking thing online, just one simple way where everybody could just give you like a buck or whatever it is for an episode. Just real easy. Let me watch the episode real quick. You know? I agree with you.

It would be goddamn everywhere. It would be everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. It's just too, right now, it's too complicated. Right now, they're trying to figure out the various portals for people to be able to profit off these things. How do we start this?

I can't wait. I can't wait to figure it out. Because I don't profit off the internet at all. At all? You definitely do. Because people on the internet love you, so they come see you. Well, yeah, in that way, they do. You know, I do that.

Yeah. That's a big part of it, right? Got to get the Ron White show started. Jamie, this is important. Needs to be done, right? No. No? What do you mean, a podcast?

You should do something like once a month. No. Where you commit to once a month. Just once a month. It's not that much time. For an hour. Ron White answers questions. All right.

I'll do that. Look what we did. Look what we did. Boom. Look what we've created here. All right. You don't have to. Did I put you on the spot?

No. I feel bad now. No. You know, everybody's been honored to do it. But once a month? Nobody said that. Once a month is the way to do it.

Nobody said that. Everybody else is like 17 days a week. I'm like, I don't have 17 days a week to fucking do this shit. So what I was going to tell you earlier, I would never encourage any changing of any of what you do because then you wouldn't be Ron White. But if Ron White decides at one point in time that he wants to change whatever behavior, if Ron White decides at one point in time that he wants to change whatever behavior,

if Ron White decides that he wants to start drinking carrot and ginger and garlic juice every morning and going to the fucking CrossFit gym... I'm drinking Jack Daniels with you, you're Mr. Mixed Message. I'm definitely a mixed message. You are. I'm 100%.

And I'm guilty as charged. Just trying to squeeze as much life out of this thing as we can, Ron White. I know. Squeeze. I know. But I'm not sure that helps. I don't think so either. The expression is little old man.

Hmm. Not big old man. It's little old man. Little old man. You never hear anybody say big old man. This poor little old man. Tiny, little, tiny, little old, tiny man. He's hear anybody say big old man. This poor little old man. Tiny little old tiny man. He's got a cane.

He's 104. That is the great grave pulling him towards it. How fucked up is that? That's ultimately what is actually happening to your body as you get older. You have a stick to fight off the slow pull of gravity. That tenacious. That's just sucking you into its grave

undeniable constant pull that you could it used to kick your ass when you were a baby and you just fall over and kick your ass all the time and then you got a little stronger and then it got to where you could run and you got to where you could fucking run. And then it got to where you could jump. And you were like kicking gravity's ass for a few years. But gravity never stopped. Never. Gravity never fucking stopped. Gravity kept on fucking tugging on your goddamn ass.

Gravity's like Nick Diaz in his prime. Sucking you down to the fucking earth. Nick Diaz in his prime would land a lot of like 50% punches. He would just kind of like punch your face until you got hurt. And then he would start digging hard. Boom, boom, boom. That's kind of like gravity. Gravity is just slowly chipping away at your meniscus.

Right. They have no idea. You have no idea. Your posture, your hips. Oh, why do your feet hurt? Gravity, bitch. Slowly. Right.

Ankle sucking into your fucking metatarsals. Sucking you into the lava from which you came, Ron White. You motherfucker. Thunder! Thunder! And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of this podcast. Ron White is available for children's parties. He plays clubs and colleges all across the country. You can catch him all throughout the land. Ron underscore White on Twitter.

Ron White official on Instagram. Is that correct, sir? I don't even know about the Instagram stuff. You're one of the baddest motherfuckers alive, Ron White. I hope you appreciate that. You are one of the greatest motherfuckers alive. Thanks for having me on the show. I know it'd be a blast.

It's fun that we hang out together so much. We just really talked about this last week. Yeah. But it was a lot of fun. This was a good time, man. Thank you so much. All right. We'll be back tomorrow with Brian Redband.

Who's not near as interesting. See ya. Woo!