The Joe Rogan Experience - #892 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: December 28, 2016

Greg Fitzsimmons is a writer and stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

Where are you going? No, seems like we were. Now we are! You gonna go cans or no cans? What are you gonna do? I'll go with you. I'm gonna go no cans. You're a fucking animal.

Jesus Fitzsimmons. Let's just connect, man. Let's mind meld. I think you mind meld more with those things on. Really? Yeah, in some weird way. Yeah. Yeah, you're in each other's head.

I just hate my voice. I sound like a woman. You definitely don't sound like a woman. Whenever I call for tech support, they'll lead me through the first few steps. And then I'll be like, all right. And then I hit delete. And they'll be like, no, man, what you do is. And then it's like it's too far into it for me to correct them because it feels too.

I'm too embarrassed to correct them at that point. So then I just let them assume I'm a woman for the rest of the call. And it's weird because then you see what it's like to be treated like a woman. I find that they talk down to you more. Well, especially about tech support, right? Oh, fuck yeah. A chick on a computer? They treat you like you're a baby.

And now is the screen blue. Take your little mouse. Why is there a difference in tech stuff? Why are men more attracted to tech stuff? Aren't we more mathematical than women? Boy, that's a weird thing to say. I mean, there's right and left side of the brain, right?

I would say, yeah, men are much more mathematical than women, but I'm not mathematical even slightly. So what am I, a woman? Huh? You just said that like you were going to kick my ass. What am I, a broad? What am I, a chick? What do I read? Fucking chick What am I, a chick? What do I read?

Fucking chick lit? I'm a fucking skirt. I wish I was, man. Do you? They got it made right now. Women got it made. How so? Well, because there's this sort of post-modern feminism coming back with the lean in and the like, you know, women really, they

really are going to start getting, I think they're still making like 80 cents on a dollar. Do you know that's all bullshit? I've heard you say that before and I wanted to correct you. Oh yeah? You know that's not true? It's not? It's not true. No.

You know what that means? When they say women make 80 cents on a dollar, it means overall women make 80 cents compared to the dollar that men make, but not for the same jobs. Right. women make 80 cents compared to the dollar that men make, but not for the same jobs. When women and men are making the same, when they're doing the same job, the problem with that statistic is it leads you to believe that a man and a woman are working alongside each other, doing the exact same amount of work with the same amount of hours, but the woman makes less. It's not the case. And the same jobs- Well, there's a lot of executives that have been found out to be, I know a couple that

are executives that were doing the same job, leading the sales team and making less money. Perhaps. Perhaps there's a few exceptions. Right. But for the most part, when you're talking about overall jobs, it's pretty statistically proven. Right. That lawyers, doctors, whatever the fuck the job is, when they're working side by side, there's very little disparity. Yeah.

Very little. Podcasting. side by side. There's very little disparity. Very little. The thing is, women take time off for work. Time off of work for maternal leave, of course, if they have babies. But also, they tend to work less hours.

Men tend to be more ambitious, more driven, work more hours, and they get paid more because of it. That's what it is. It's one of those weird ones where everybody says it. Even fucking Obama said it. The wage gap, the income gap. Like, what do you mean? Like, why are you saying that? Because you're talking about it as if there's some sort of discrimination, when in fact, there's a natural tendency that a lot of women have to choose different jobs. Like,

as far as like nursing, like overwhelmingly, it's predominantly women. So you're saying if you take the total amount women make versus the total amount men make- That's where the 80 cents on the dollar comes from. But it's the job choices you're saying that are different. Job choices, men are much more likely to die on the job. Yeah. Men are much more likely to take high-paying, high-risk jobs like mining, things along those lines.

Yeah. So that's what that is. It's one of those weird ones where you repeat it. A lot of people repeat it, and they think it's right. They think that men and women are working alongside each other making the same amount of money. Yeah. The other thing about executives is,

and this is something that no one wants to say because it sounds sexist, but it might be that the men are earning more money. It might not just be that they're making more money. It might be their actual performance as an executive is better. It's entirely possible. It is possible, but I can also see, like if I hired a man and a woman, I would pay the woman less.

Just because, you know, men are just better looking. You know, you want them around more. Women are gross. How dare you? They have periods. Like, literally, why would I pay somebody who's bleeding on the job as much as a man? I don't think you're being serious. I'm glad I never have to have a workforce.

I mean, what do you got? What do you got? One guy? You got a few people working for you. Yeah, but they're guys. All guys. Sexy guys, too. No, you're a good-looking guy.

Yeah. Jamie's not a bad-looking dude. Did you play sports? Yeah. What'd you play? In high school, I played basketball for four years. Yeah, you got a lot of pussy I bet.

How old were you when you lost your virginity? 17. A little slow on the uptick there. Yeah, 17. You want to choose wisely. How old were you? 16? 15? Like almost 16 maybe? Older woman, I bet.

No, I got molested by a girl when I was 13 and she was 21. Yeah? Yeah, but nothing really happened. It was one of those weird ones. Like she was grabbing my dick and I was all confused and I made out with her, but I was like, what the hell are we doing here? No shit.

I was so confused. Had you hit puberty yet? I mean, I guess so. I was 13. When did you hit puberty yet? I mean, I guess so. I was 13. When do you hit puberty? I didn't hit it until I was like 15. I wasn't beating off, though. Yeah. I wasn't beating off at the time.

I actually had sex before I beat off. No shit. Yeah. That's bizarre. That's an accomplishment. Well, I was just, I didn't. Once I figured out beating off, though, I was like, oh, I'm a slave. Yes.

Like, I'm a slave to getting rid of this cum. Yep. Like, oh, no. And then I realized, like, once I beat off, I was like, oh, well, I can do this myself. And then I'm not so fucking needy and weird. I remember the first time I was dating this girl, and the first time I beat off, and then I was like, I don't even want to call her. Like, I don't want to hang out with her. This is annoying.

Yeah. And I realized, oh, it wasn't so much that I was attracted to her. It was not that I wasn't attracted to her. It wasn't so much that I enjoyed being around her. I wanted to have sex with her. And then once the sex was taken out, once I get rid of the load, I was like, oh, I don't really want to be around her. This is just some biological trick. Yeah.

Like my body's tricking me into wanting to be near her and hang around with her. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah, because teenage boys and girls have so little in common. All you care about is sports, laughing, trying to get fucked up. Well, you didn't really do that, but like we did. And girls at that age are just extremely social beings. They're very much about their social circle and, you know, establishing who's in the group.

Like I'm just talking about my daughter is like this. And I think that they're much more like in line with what school is telling you to do. You know, they tend to do better in school because they're a little bit more linear and they, uh, they, they're self-motivated more than boys. We're, we just, we're just distracted too much. I think boys also have like a serious problem with authority. Yeah. And when the teachers are telling you what to do, you automatically don't want to do it. That's just a natural inclination that people have. Do you want some of this?

No, I'm good, thanks. Scared? Yeah. It's legal now. You can blow it in my face. I don't have a problem with that. It's totally legal. I got a total secondhand high in the green room at the comedy store the other night.

Holy shit. That was like, there was a cigar going, five joints going. Ron White doesn't play. He pulled out a joint yesterday. We killed a joint. And after the joint, he pulled out one of those vape pens, those big, gigantic robot dick puns. Yeah. I'm like, Jesus, Ron.

I go, is that weed? He's like, oh, hell yeah, it's weed. I'm like, good Lord. So he's got a cigar going. He brings his own tequila because he has his own tequila company. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. So he has his number Juan tequila.

So he brings this bottle of tequila. It's really good tequila. And then he's smoking a cigar. He's passing out shots. He brings cups back there, handing out shots of his tequila. Ron White is a goddamn walking party. He is a walking party. I drove him home the other night

because he doesn't drink and drive. Which I admire. He goes to me, he goes, hey, you want to just drive me home in my truck and then take an Uber back and then get in your car and drive home? I'm like, yeah, that's not happening. I go, you want a ride home?

And he's like, yeah, I'll take a ride home. I'll leave my truck here. So he gets in my Prius, which immediately he gives me shit for the entire way. He can barely fit in it. And we get, and I'm going down Sunset. Yeah, go down this way. So I'm driving down. All of a sudden we hit like Beverly Glen.

And I'm like, where's your fucking house? He goes, where are we? I go, we're in fucking like Bel Air or something. And so he's like, no, no, no, go back. So we go back all the way to the comedy store. And start from scratch? Start from scratch, take a right down there and then I'm going down a fucking cannon or something

and he's like, no, no, you went too far. I'm like, how the fuck did I know I was going too far? What was far? What was the spot? And then I can't make a left. So he goes, just make a left. I'm late. My wife is going to be home.

I told her I was going to be home at 1030. I'm like, look, I'm not getting a fucking ticket. The middle of Beverly Hills, where you get ticketed for fucking picking your nose, I'm not making an illegal left. He's like, no, make the left. I'm not making the fucking left. So I go past it and I double back. And then I get to his place.

And, you know, his place is a hotel. Yeah. Did he talk about this on your show? Yeah. I don't want to like out his personal experience. No, he definitely said the name of the hotel. But he had a water problem in his house. Crazy.

He talked about that, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He spent like I think more than two years building this house. He told me five years. Yeah, but he bought it, and then they had to get the plans approved, and then the building. Yeah. So it was a total process of about five years. Right.

But I think it was two solid years of them building this house. Right. So he goes out of town, and a water faucet broke, and the whole house from the top floor flooded all the way down to the bottom floor. And all the walls have fucking fungus and mold in them and it's a complete teardown. Have you ever had that happen? Do you ever have like a fungus or mold issue?

Yeah, we did and it wasn't lethal. We got it tested. It was a mold and my wife's very sensitive to it so she was getting all kinds of allergies from it. And they came in, and the testing is fucking expensive. And it was just a leaky pipe under the house, and it's in Venice, so it's kind of moist down there. And they just shaved it out, bagged it.

So it was no big deal? No, but if it's the wrong kind of mold, I mean, it can cause fucking, like, your brain can go crazy. Do you remember that Tom Likas guy? Remember Tom Likas, radio guy? Very nice guy. Great guy. Tom Likas.

Show us your tits Tuesday. Yeah, he was crazy. Yeah, what is it, Whip Him Out Wednesday? Whip Him Out Wednesday or something? No, Opie and Anthony had one. Opie and Anthony had Whip Him Out Wednesday, right? And Tom had, Tom had Flash Friday. Yeah, where you're driving down a highway or the road and you show your tits to guys and then they call in.

And then Opie and Anthony got mad because they thought that Tom Lika stole the idea from them. And I'm like, listen, boys, it's just tits. The more tits come out, the better. Stop not encouraging people. Exactly. What are you doing? Every radio show in the country should have a day where women show their tits. The more tits come out, the better. Stop not encouraging people. Exactly. What are you doing? Every radio show in the country should have a day where women show their tits. I mean, it should be just a part of what people do.

I was doing, you know, Bubba the Love Sponge, right? Sure. Down in Tampa. That dude is fucking out there. As we know, because his wife had sex with Hulk Hogan and there was a videotape of it going around. Which he basically got a web... What's the website that got shut down because of that? Gawker. Gawker fucking folded because of that lawsuit from Bubba.

Or was it—wait, who did the lawsuit, Bubba or Hulk? Hulk did. Oh, Hulk did it. So I go down to Bubba's place, and it's so weird because Tampa is a fucking eerie, mystical place anyway. And so they pick me up to go to radio, and we're going down these back roads through swamps and shit, and we pass a Girl Scout camp, and then all of a sudden there's this long driveway. It's like a picture. You picture the Allman Brothers must be making a new album at the end of this,

this fucking rat, this shack. And you go back there and you go in and they're like, all right, this is Bubba's place. And there's a, there's a midget on a couch in the waiting room. And he pissed,

he had pissed the couch. Like they got him drunk on the show. So drunk that he, that he pissed himself in the studio. So they put him out on the couch. Oh my God. And he was angry. Like, he was angry at me, and I'm like, dude, I have no idea your situation.

I'm next. And so I walk in, and everybody's drinking Pabst Blue Ribbons. This is like 7 o'clock in the morning. Everybody's drinking Pabst Blue Ribbons, and they give me this joint to smoke, which I didn't expect it to be that strong. And I was ripped out of my mind. So I go into the studio and Bubba has a 12-gauge Israeli handgun, which is a fucking monster. Like a shotgun handgun?

Something like that. He pulls it. It's huge. Because a 12-gauge is like a shotgun. He said it was a 12-gauge. Maybe I got it wrong. But it's huge. Okay, it's huge 12 gauges like a shotgun he said it was a 12 gauge maybe i got it wrong but it's huge okay it's huge pulls it out and he's like my phone just started googling did you say hey siri i didn't now it's doing and um so he pulls it out he's like no no it's cool and i'm like well then why did your entire staff just fucking run out of the studio and i'm the only one in here and i'm stoned and seven o'clock in the morning

and so he's waving it around and then he starts taking calls because he sent he sends this van out they call it the hand job the hand job van and they pull up to office buildings and they entice guys to get in the van with this hooker who gives them hand jobs live on the radio before they go to work and that goes on and then a call comes in from a guy who's about to rob a bank in michigan i guess the show syndicates to michigan and so he's talking this guy out of robbing a bank. The guy was for real. Oh my God. And, uh, and so, and this all goes on. I mean, this went on for like two and a half hours

and then all of a sudden it just ended. And I walked out, I felt like, uh, I felt like what's his name in, in, in training day, uh, Ethan Hawk, you know, after he'd just fucking tripped and been led through this gauntlet. And I go back every time. I fucking love it. Yeah, I did it once. It was fun. Yeah.

It was a good dude. The morning radio thing, that can fucking get you. Yeah. I was just thinking, what was that guy who was an athlete that shot his driver? Do you remember that story? He was a radio guy? No. He was a professional athlete, and he pulled out a gun.

Jason Williams. Is that who it is? Is that his name? I'll double check. But he had, like, a limo driver, and apparently he pulled out a gun. He was, like, playing with a gun and accidentally shot and killed his limo driver. And it was like, whoa. Wow. I'm like, what the fuck? So it was Jason Williams. playing with a gun and accidentally shot and killed his limo driver. And it was like, whoa.

Wow. I'm like, what the fuck? So it was Jason Williams, who's a basketball player. Like Pulp Fiction. Yeah, I mean, that kind of stuff happens. Imagine if you got shot by Bubba the Luz Bunch. Like, that's how it ends? I know.

That's how you go to the next stage of life? You got accidentally shot by Bubba. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Here it is. Jason Williams. I was a coward for covering up the shooting of the limo driver. I mean, is he free now?

He spent 26 months in prison starting in 2010. So, yeah, maybe. Battle with alcoholism. Well, here's the thing. Oh, he shot him with a 12-gauge shotgun. Yeah. Fuck. But here's the thing. Say you kill a guy by accident with a gun. You then have a choice to cover

it up or come forward and say I did this. Holy shit. Now, existentially, is it so wrong to cover it up? I mean, you're going to feel bad for the rest of your life. You don't really need to be punished. It's not going to change how his family feels about it. Just say somebody else shot him. That's a deep argument.

A deep argument about ethics. that's a deep argument, a deep argument about ethics. Because you're going to face a hailstorm of hate. Right. No one's going to believe you. If you say it was an accident, people are going to absolutely assume that you murdered them. They're going to pursue it that way.

But on the other hand, you did fucking kill a guy. All right, what if, here's a more innocuous situation. You're driving down an alley late at night, and a homeless person walks out in front of your car, and you hit him, and he dies. You can either just drive away, wash your car, and know that a homeless guy is no more, or you can go get the police and say,

I was speeding, and I killed a man. It's like that Johnny Cash song. Isn't it fascinating that when you say that story, when you give that scenario, that a homeless person in some way or another makes it like less fucked up. No, I just mean in terms of like the family blaming you for it. No, I understand. Nobody's going to blame you for this. But even so, like it's not as bad a scenario as hitting a nice person who's got their shit together. scenario as hitting a nice person it's got their shit together well it's like if you kill somebody and you get sued by the family depending on it like if you if you kill a child and you get sued

they're not you don't have to pay a lot of money but if you kill a guy who's supporting his family they they'll take everything you got so that life in the in the eyes of the law is worth more how strange is it that we put I can a monetary value on actual life itself hmm Wow it's a just such a strange strange concept yeah did you see that guy accidentally hit that moose with his car? No. Holy shit. Jamie, pull that video up. I tweeted it. This guy's driving down the road somewhere probably near where they kicked you out of that club that one night and made you drive home. In New Hampshire?

Even though you're not supposed to drive home at night because of moose. Yeah, right. They kicked you out. Greg was doing a gig. It was supposed to be a clean gig. He gets up there. He starts swearing. They kicked him out. They kicked you out. Greg was doing a gig. It was supposed to be a clean gig. He gets up there. He starts swearing. They kicked him out.

They kicked him out. They had his bags packed by the time he gets off stage. Yeah, you're supposed to spend the night at the hotel after you do the gig, and they fucking five-hour drive. Watch this. Look at this. Go. Whoa.

Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Damn. Crazy. Why was that guy videotaping? Everybody else had slowed down All these other people had slowed down Because these moose were out And these people had seen the moose

And they were kind of checking it out But look This guy fucking hits it Full on And sends that thing flying That was like an Olympic tumble You gotta wonder Like

Is that moose dead now? I'm surprised the car wasn't trashed more. Do you think that moose is dead? It got up and walked away a little bit. Oh, Jesus, look at that. That is insane. Something flew off him. He lost a hoof or something.

Fuck. You ever hit an animal? No. No, not like that. I've hit squirrels and rabbits. I ran over a raccoon once, a big raccoon. Oh, Jesus. It made a big thumping noise under the car. I was gross a raccoon once, a big raccoon. Oh, Jesus. It made a big thumping

noise under the car. I was grossed out for hours, just disturbed. Boom, look at that. That thing goes flying. That's a huge animal. Yeah. They're dangerous. In that sense, yeah. No, I think moose are dangerous in the wild. They can be. They're one of the few deer species that'll go after you. Yeah. Probably the only one. I mean, maybe an elk would go after you. Maybe. But it's pretty rare.

Like, you have to fuck up to get an elk to attack you. Yeah. But if you're too close to a mama moose and she's got her babies near her, she'll just fuck you up. Yeah. too close to a mama moose and she's got her babies near her she'll just fuck you up yeah there was this kid that got killed i want to say it was on a campus somewhere in alaska and apparently someone had been throwing snowballs at the at the moose and they had agitated the moose and this guy just walked in wrong place wrong time and the moose just started stomping the shit out of him oh it's really hard to watch because this guy just gets stomped and stomped and stomped by this huge animal i mean it's enormous and she's rearing up and trying to kill him and keep stomping on him it's just horrific

he's just bang bang bang just getting pummeled by these. I mean, this thing is a thousand pounds. And it was because they were throwing snowballs at him? Because somebody else apparently had been agitating the moose before this guy got there. Yeah. Don't fuck with wildlife, man. Not that kind. That's a bad one to fuck with. You know, you got to think in their environment, they're fighting off bears and wolves and shit.

They're just constantly like kicking at things. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever been, not attacked, but have you had an animal like had you lined up in the crosshairs when you're hunting or anything? Not that I know of. You ever had a bear like come at you? I've had a bear. I've had a bear, like encounters with bears.

It's weird. You see them, but most of the time they just run away. Yeah. I saw a grizzly bear once. That was a weird one because they have a different way of looking at you as opposed to like a regular bear does. Like a brown bear is a more aggressive bear in terms of like it's more of a hunter. Whereas black bears, they're kind of hunters, but they're more more i think they tend to eat more berries and things along those lines but those big ass brown

bears they have to be like really aggressive because they're so big like you gotta feed a thousand pound body or whatever the fuck do they eat meat oh yeah what do they eat bears eat a lot of crazy shit man they'll eat like a beached whale. They'll camp out on a beached whale and eat that fucking thing for days. Oh, shit. While it's rotten and disgusting. Wow. That's one of the best places that people find them.

If you want to go bear sighting, you want to go looking for bears and spot those big Kodiak bears, they go to places where bears would find a dead whale. They love it. It's almost a guarantee. It's all blubber. Yeah. It just gets rancid and disgusting, and they're still chewing it up. But they just have to eat a lot.

You usually kill something for the winter to eat, right? Usually an elk. Is that what you're going to go for this year? That's what I've been trying to. I did. I got one. Already this year? Yeah, I got one this year.

Oh, you did? Okay. Is that the one you were carrying? When? When was that? Can you show me a picture of you fucking carrying an animal on your back that you had killed? I think that was a different one. Yeah.

You can't carry an elk on your back. Yeah. It's way too big. Yeah. An elk is like a thousand pounds. So you cut it up out in the wild? Yeah. And then you put it in coolers or something?

I did it at this ranch, and they have a bunch of guys that work at the ranch that just drag it into a pickup truck, and then you take it to, like, this cold storage area, and in the cold storage area, they break it down. Yeah. But what you do is you just cut the quarters off. You cut the legs off, and you break it down just like a butcher shop does.

It's very weird to see, man, because it becomes meat. It starts off an animal and then it becomes meat as opposed to just seeing meat. Once it's down and you start breaking it down, once it's down and you start breaking it down, it's like a sober, sober reminder of what meat actually is. Yeah. One day they're going to have that lab test tube meat that they're working on. You know that stuff they're doing?

One day they're going to have that. That's going to be fully available, and there's going to be no more. Last night I was talking to the chef at the Laugh Factory, the comedy store. You know, the cook back there. The guy that just fucking smiles all the time. If you want some good energy, man, just go back there and talk to that guy for a little while.

And I'm like, so what did you eat for Christmas? What did you make? And he goes, I take the turkey, I cut it up, I put it in the blender with a little bit of oil, and I'm like so what'd you eat for Christmas what'd you make and he goes I take the turkey I cut it up I put it in the blender with a little bit of oil and I fucking chop it up put it on sandwiches

with some lettuce and some I give it to my kids I'm like you blend fucking turkey meat oh yeah man wow

I go what else do you put in the blender? He goes, just a little bit of oil. Maybe it's good. It sounds like a chicken salad type thing. Right, right. Chicken salad's good. And that would keep after that.

I mean, we have so much goddamn turkey meat in our fridge. We got turkey and ham meat because we did a couple of different dinners. Do you do the deep fried turkey? No, I hear that's the way to go. That's the way to go. You have a fryer? Yeah, you get a, like, you can buy them where you stick the turkey,

like these prongs stick into it, and then you just sort of lower it into this vat. For like 20 minutes, right? It's like there's a certain time per pound of bird, like however big the bird is, but it's so good, dude, because you cook it in peanut oil and it's just juicy and delicious and crispy on the outside. It's my all time favorite way to get a turkey. Yeah.

Yeah. But, man, turkeys, all that factory farm shit, as I get older, is freaking me out more and more. It freaks me out. Like buying chickens in the store freaks me out. Because of the way you know they were treated? 100%. Yeah. Chickens, that's the big one that freaks me out.

Because there's something like chickens and pigs. Because there's something that we do with chickens where you can't really do with a cow. We stack them on top of each other. Just smush them all into these places where they can't even fucking move. They're just stuck there. And then they wait until they get to a certain size, and then they kill them. And it's like, whew. It's like they're a human or not human, a living organism that's a battery.

It's like a power supply to people. Yeah, and as they're doing it, they're pumping them full of chemicals that make them get fatter and bigger. Is that true? I know they definitely have used chemicals on the birds, I'm sure. But I don't know if they use them on them all the time. I think the thing that's going on with those birds is genetic selection. Yeah. Where they've just genetically made certain birds breed with certain birds.

genetically made certain birds breed with certain birds. They've established this gene, this genetic selection where they're just like super fucking plump and like ridiculously big breasts. And then they get those to do that in a very short period of time and then they kill them. And they can't walk because their chests are so big they fall over forwards. Yeah. Well, it's like what they did with bulldogs. Like, how the fuck did they make a bulldog out of a wolf? Yeah.

How'd they do that? Who the fuck did that? That's why they can't fucking breathe. Yeah. Yeah. Pugs. That used to be a wolf. So sad.

That's so sad. That was a wolf. Somehow. And they made the face smaller because they wanted it to be cuter. Yeah. A cute dog is having a fucking asthma attack his entire life. Dude, how strange is that? Yeah, but the chickens, and I think the only criteria for the chicken pen is that the chicken has to be able to turn around in it.

That's it. That's how big it has to be. That's so crazy. And they're getting shit on by all the chickens above it. Their whole life. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I know. Is that really how it works?

How many do they stack on top of each other? Twelve. For real? No, I don't know, but a lot. Say a hundred. You should have went crazy. A hundred. Oh, Jesus.

Imagine a hundred floors of chickens. And that noise. Shitting on each other. Picked into this place. Yeah. But that's like taking an organism and using it as cells in a battery. It really is. It's like you're taking these chickens and you're literally compartmentalizing them into a specific size, like a cell.

And the mitochondria of the cell is this chicken. And you've got hundreds and hundreds of them stacked into this place. got hundreds and hundreds of them stacked into this place. They're like these living organisms that you've got locked into these clearly defined spaces and you're extracting energy from those chickens. You're taking, you're extracting food from them. Yeah. They're just protein. Yeah.

They're protein bars. Yeah. I mean, it is fucking bizarre. It's a bizarre practice. Wow. Even when they're not in cages, they have them so smushed together, they can't even fucking move. Yeah, it's not fun.

They're not having a good time. But it's not the only way to raise chickens. That's the problem. I had this guy, Joel Salatin, on the podcast a while back. Really, really interesting guy. in on the podcast a while back really really interesting guy and he runs um i think his farm's called polyface polyface farm um but he's into he's got these things that he does with these chickens where he puts them in these giant like chicken houses that are on wheels and he'll like roll them into an area and then you just let them out and they run around at the end of the day they go right back in because that's what they do they go into their nests again then you roll them into an area, and then you just let them out. And then they run around. At the end of the day, they go right back in because that's what they do.

They go into their nests again. Then you roll them down a hill to another place. And then he has these pigs. He takes pigs, and he puts a fence around the pigs, a movable fence. And the pigs just stay inside that fence and eat whatever the fuck they want. And then the next day, they move the fence, and they keep doing it. So he's got these animals like that. Those chickens, they're living like fucking chickens.

They don't freak out when he comes near them. And this guy is like the prime example of what you would think of as like an intelligent take on ethical farming practices. I think when Purdue and a lot of these houses buy from you, you have to use their cages and their feed. It's a franchise like McDonald's. When you raise livestock for a lot of these agro, what do you call it, big agro,

it's specific. They want it done a certain way. And if you don't, they don't buy from you. It's very hard to be independent like that. It's specific. They want it done a certain way. And if you don't, they don't buy from you. Oh, wow. It's very hard to be independent like that. So that's interesting. So if you're a poultry grower, if you want to work for Purdue, you grow chickens for them. You don't think they grow their own chickens? How does that work? No, I think you get a contract with them and they come in and buy your stuff,

but it's all got to be done as is a Tyson. Contract poultry farming. Read that out there, Gregory. Tyson Foods is one of the leading supporters of American agriculture, paying more than $15 billion annually to independent farmers who supply us with cattle, hogs, and chickens. We depend on more than 11,000 independent farmers across the country. This includes more than 4,000 poultry farmers who contact us to raise chickens. Now, that's their website. It's all done with a lot of leverage,

and you have to do things exactly the way they want you to. I think it was Food Inc. or something that did a documentary about it. I was watching this documentary today that was on Dig. I found it. It was about this guy who was like this super badass sushi chef in Japan, like the best sushi chef in Tokyo right now, I guess they were saying. And it's really interesting, like watching this guy acquire the fish. It talks about how he ages the fish. Like, I didn't know that. Did you know that when

they catch tuna, they'll often age them for five days? No shit. Yeah. And then they age them a lot of times at the fish market before he takes it, or he takes it back and he'll age it another five days more. So they might, you know, they might keep shit for like two weeks before you eat it to make it more tender. Wow. He's doing it more tender. Wow. He's doing that with tuna. Yeah, I was watching this and I was like, wow.

When Jamie and I were talking about it, we were like, what are they going to do when they kill all the fish? Like how long does it take to grow a fucking tuna that big? This guy has this tuna, right? And they're sawing it with a giant Paul Bunyan saw. I mean, it's a fucking huge tuna. The video is really cool. With a giant Paul Bunyan saw. I mean, it's a fucking huge tuna.

The video is really cool. And the people who made the video were like obvious, like serious sushi dorks. So they're like super amped up to be getting some sushi from this dude. But all I could think of was like, how many fish are there? Like how many days can we do that? Like every day they're just sucking them out of the ocean. Every day. Every day. And there used to be areas where they restricted how much fishing went on. Just sucking them out of the ocean every day. Every day.

And there used to be areas where they restricted how much fishing went on, and now it's like it's a free-for-all. Well, under Donald Trump, we're going to fix all this. Thank God. I've been pulled for Trump since I was a little kid. Just the concept of Trump I've always been really into. I remember studying the Constitution as a kid and thinking, this is fucking bullshit.

We need a guy who's got some balls, who's going to come in and get around all this fucking liberal bullshit. I'm just kidding. I think the apocalypse is upon us. I really think it's over. I mean, he hasn't even taken office yet, and he's already alienated China. He thinks he's friends. The best part is he thinks he's friends with Russia.

That's like hanging out with a school bully and thinking you're safe until one day you say something the bully doesn't like, and he fucking cracks you in the face, and you realize he's just a broken child. How much you know way more about this than I do, because I've spent the majority of my adult life ignoring almost everything about how the system works. You win. How much power does he really have? The president?

Yeah. How much power does he really have in terms of decisions to be made for things like any sort of a military action. Well, what you've already seen is by taking a phone call from Taiwan, a simple act that he didn't think twice about, that opened up the floodgates to China saying that we are recognizing Taiwan as an independent state, which has been a one-China policy going back to Nixon, which basically ensured that it clamped down on the Cold War. And it said, we're not going to keep building up against each other. And part of that is, we're going to live by certain doctrines, like the one China policy.

And when he takes a call from Taiwan, something as simple as that, all of a sudden China's talking about a nuclear buildup. It's that simple. It's not about what laws he enacts. It's about him as a spokesman for our country and what messages he sends out. I mean, it's like Obama did it with Israel. I don't know why, but in his 11th hour, he has soured relations with Israel to the point where, you know, But in his 11th hour, he has soured relations with Israel to the point where, you know, even though he's a lame duck president on his way out, it was a destructive thing he did. I don't know if I disagree with it.

What did he do? Well, the U.N. had a resolution that was saying that Israel has new developments in the West Bank, which are illegal according to previous UN resolutions. And so I don't know what they're calling it, but it's illegal what they've done. And the U.S. signed on to it. So they set up these settlements in Palestinian territory? Is that what it is? Well, the disputed Palestinian territory. And they just decided to start building there? They've been doing, they've been building there for years.

And they put it, they put up like 600 homes, but they're planning on putting up 5,000 in an area that, you know, peace, there is no peace over there, but what's keeping it from being an all out war is that area that is, that is supposed to be kept neutral for now, and now they're building on it. Why would someone want to build? Are they running out of land? They can't build other places? No, they don't recognize the Palestinians, and so they see that that's all their land still.

And so they won't stop. They will continue building and pushing out. I mean, the tide has turned on Israel, from what I can tell. And I don't follow Israel very closely at all, except for when I hear people yelling about it at parties that I'm at. Because I have friends that are like hardcore Zionists, and I have friends that are hardcore anti-Zionists. And they're totally rational people and they can

joke around about talking about fucking your mother and blah blah blah. But as soon as Israel comes up, shit gets real. And they talk about I think the tide has turned. There's a lot more people that are seeing Israel as a terrorist

state. Wow. They're very aggressive. that are seeing Israel as a terrorist state. Whoa. Wow. They're very aggressive. Netanyahu is just a fucking, he's a bull. What's the right resolution? What's the right resolution? Because how much is in dispute?

Like, how much territory? I don't know. This seems like a small place, doesn't it? It seems very small. Isn't Israel the size of Connecticut or some shit like that? How big is it? I don't think it's very big, but it's where it's located. So let's find out.

How big is Israel? It's just a hotly charged subject. Yeah, it is. It's one of the most charged subjects in all of any kind of commentary. Because you're talking about the Holocaust survivors, basically. Yeah. Yeah. And you're talking about people that are right next to each other with opposing ideologies

and various reasons for being righteous. And Iran, looking at Israel as- I like how you corrected that. I said it right, right? Is it Iran? I think it's Iran. Yeah. Saying that they don't have a right to exist

and that they're going to throw a nuclear bomb over there. Did you see that? What is the guy from Pakistan? Who was it, Jamie, that got duped by a fake news story? Jamie Masada? No, not that guy. Buddy. Oh, yeah, I did see that.

And the guy got duped by a fake news story and said some inflammatory shit about causing a war. And all of a sudden it's like, whoa, you guys got all up in arms about a fake story. Yeah. Like, what in the fuck is going on? What do you think was the first fake news story? Because you go back to, you know, I was thinking about what was an old fake news story was... Fake news stories.

I've probably been around for a long time. Well, the Bible was a giant fake news story. How dare you? They did their best. They did their best to remember the stories. Trying to find a good map. I think part of the problem, too, is the arguments over the maps. Oh, I see.

Right, right, right. This is just one I'm picking up. Does it say, like, I just want to know to know like i'm too stupid to know what that is so why don't you like ask ask google compare it to a state because i think there was a there's a simple comparison i just don't remember what it is it's like connecticut or something like that or maybe massachusetts Or maybe Massachusetts. Size comparison map, Israel and USA. Anyway, what were we just talking about? Israel and USA size comparison.

Oh, fake news. Yeah. There you go, New Jersey. Okay, yeah. So it's basically the size of New Jersey. And New Jersey is building a lot of homes. It looks a little bigger than New Jersey But

Look at that It fits in Lake Michigan You can stick Israel in Lake Michigan What the fuck How big is Lake Michigan Holy shit Isn't that insane I know

A giant ocean of water You can surf on Lake Michigan What's the one that's near Chicago? Lake Michigan. That's Lake Michigan? I used to date a girl, and when she was a kid, her... You dated her when she was a kid? No, dude.

A story she told when she was a kid. Oh. How dare you? When she was a kid, she was in a storm on Lake Michigan where they had to turn into the waves like over and over and over again all night. They were not safe. Like they were in danger of being capsized by the waves on a fucking lake.

That's amazing. And I think it was her stepdad, I forget who was steering the boat, but was just wrecked by the end of the day. Like his arms were falling off. Like, he barely could use his arms because he had to keep turning the boat all night long. They had to strap everyone down to the boat on a fucking lake. Yeah. On a lake, not the ocean.

Yeah, I don't care where you put a boat in. You got whatever's coming to you. Is that Lake Michigan? Yeah. Oh, my God. Look at the waves. 25-foot waves on Lake Michigan, it says. 25-foot waves on a lake.

That's so crazy. Well, it's all that wind that comes in. It's just an immense puddle. Yeah. That used to be a fucking glacier. Glaciers that are in some places as high as two miles high. And they became all that

stuff. It's nuts, man. I have a buddy of mine who lives in Wisconsin in the driftless area. It's like the area where the glaciers didn't hit. It's really kind of cool. Because it's all these hills and crazy like beautiful topography. The rest of the place, like an eraser came along, just flattened that motherfucker out.

Just from the weight of the glaciers pushing down on the land. The glacier just pushing forward and crushing everything in its path, literally like God's eraser. And that's when the wind whips up because there's nothing stopping that wind. Nothing. I mean, I remember driving through, I think it was North Dakota. It was North Dakota. And I was driving from, I think, Iowa or Nebraska into North Dakota, doing a college gig. And the gig was that night. And it was like a good four-hour drive. And they told me, look, this is a single lane road. It's the only way there. and it's flat as shit, and it's windy out. So be careful.

So I'm in my rent-a-car, and snow starts as I'm driving. And the snow is just going just vertically across the road. And it starts to build up, it starts to build up, and there's snow on the road, and all of a sudden I'm like halfway there, and it's fucking white-out conditions. All I can see is the light the snow in in my headlights ahead of me and for a long time i was just looking at that looking at the line on the road and following that line disappeared oh shit and i fucking

freak out and so i just pull what i think is to the side of the road because I don't know where I'm driving. Right. And I wait. And all of a sudden I see headlights coming from behind me. Fucking 18-wheeler barreling down, hoping he sees me. Oh, my God. He passes me, and I immediately get behind him. And I rode that motherfucker for two hours.

Whoa. To get to the school. Shaking. fucking shaking. And I got to the gig and it was like these kids, it was like fucking Jesus Christ that showed up in their town. They were like, you made it. We have no life. This is our only entertainment all year.

And so we did a, we did a show and so many people came that they added a second show but half the kids stayed for the second show so it was definitely one of those your material got told that night joe rogan i guarantee you that yours don gavin steve sweeney's todd parker's i'm fucking ripping every joke out of my ass i can think of on that second show they paid me double that's hilarious and i ripping every joke out of my ass I can think of on that second show. They paid me double. That's hilarious. And I couldn't get out of there for two days afterwards.

Two days? We were snowed in. Yeah. Oh, my God. There was so much uncertainty in the winters in Boston. There was like you weren't certain if you were going to get home. Yeah. That's right. I think that's important for people to understand that don't live in a place like

that. Like, if you got hit with a big January snowstorm and it hit while you were at work, if you got to work, first of all, there'd be warnings. Everywhere there'd be warnings. They'd cancel school before the first fucking drop of snow fell. That's right. Right? They'd freak out about, like, big blizzards.

But if a big one hit and you fucked up and you weren't paying attention, you could get stuck wherever the fuck you are. Yeah. Highways just stopped. For days. Yep. It takes forever for them to chew all that snow away. And if it stays cold, in Boston, it would stay cold for a long fucking time.

Remember those black piles of ice? Ice that had just gotten road grime and exhaust on it, but it was too cold for it to melt. So they would just push that shit to the side. It would narrow the fucking highway. Yeah, right. Yeah, they'd get out there with those trucks throwing the salt and the sand down. I mean, they'd be out there before the snow even started. They were laying down salts.

Yeah, that was why if you got an old car, you wanted to get a California car. They didn't use salt on the roads. If you got an old car in Boston, the fucking fenders were all rotted out. Everything rotted out because of all that salt. And they had to constantly re-up the highways. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's just chewing through it.

But isn't that kind of the only way to ensure that shit's going to melt? You kind of have to salt it. Yep. Salt it. I think they sand it more than they salt it now. They probably, you know where they get this? They get the salt from like on these giant fucking barges from South America. Salt wars, like the old days.

Is that right? No. But imagine, they used to go to war for salt. Oh, you mean like way, way back. Salt, it's amazing that we give it away for free. Because if you really think of what it was worth like 500, 600 years ago, salt was incredibly valuable, right? Why? Because food was so bland? No, to preserve food.

Oh, yeah. They didn't have refrigeration. So like their meat, if you cover the outside of it with salt, the bacteria can't eat the meat and it slows the decaying process. You could dry things out and salt them and there's a way to preserve food, like an important way to preserve food. I think, you know, I don't know how long you could have a piece of meat and just cover it with salt and leave it laying around at room temperature, but I think it's a lot more than it would if you didn't have the salt. And I think it's one of the reasons why it was one of the most valuable things in the world at one point in time, which is crazy now when you think about it.

Yeah. And everything you ate must have been salty as shit. People must have just gotten used to the taste of salt. Do you remember when everybody was thinking that salt causes high blood pressure? And then it doesn't? Remember that one? No, it's a mineral. Yeah.

I mean, it's like you're not supposed to have too much of it, but that's not what's wrong. Like, what else is going on? And then there was this study that came out recently, or paper that came out recently, that was pointing to the sugar industry accepting bribes or giving bribes to scientists in the 1950s and 60s. Did you see that? To push the blame away from sugar and onto saturated fat. The amount of heart disease that it causes. Sugar has become the new salt. It's become the new cholesterol. It's become the new everything. It's everybody's saying salt. It's become the new cholesterol. It's become the new everything. It's everybody's saying.

Everybody's fear. Yeah, it's everybody's fear now. How do salt and sugar prevent microbial spoilage? It says that they use sugar and salt the same way to prevent dehydration. Oh, sugar too? Yeah. Interesting. Well, it would taste better that way probably.

Yeah. Okay, so it says protection of foods from microbial spoilage using salt, usually sodium chloride or sugar. Usually sucrose has ancient roots and is often referred to as salting, salt curing, corning, or sugar curing. Pieces of rock salt used for curing are sometimes called corns, hence the name corned beef. Ah, I was wondering why they called it corned beef. No shit. Down here it just shows what it does. Fascinating.

Okay, where is it, Chad? Sorry. Where does it say where it goes? Several ways here. Oh, okay. Those are several ways in which salt and sugar inhibit microbial growth. Most notable is simple osmosis or dehydration. Salt or sugar, whether in solid or aqueous form, attempts to reach equilibrium with the salt or

sugar content of the food product with which it is in contact. This has the effect of drawing available water from within the food to the outside and inserting salt or sugar molecules into the food interior. Huh. The result is a reduction of the so-called water activity measure of unbound free water molecules in the food that is necessary for microbial survival and growth. That is fucking fascinating. That is. I never thought about how... Because I always think about when I put salt on my food, it seems like, especially with sea salt,

where it's so big, the particles, that you don't just get like... That it doesn't spread. But then when you eat the food, like say you put it in your mashed potatoes. Right. It spreads really evenly throughout the mashed potatoes. I don't realize there's all that chemical reactions going on between all the cells in the potatoes and the salt. It's flowing back and forth. Yeah.

I mean, think about how difficult it must have been to get fresh food to a city in 1700. Throwing salt on everything and packing things in salt and taking them down the road on the back of wagons being pulled by horses. With out-of-control mosquitoes and flies on everything. Wow. That was for so long how people lived. For so long. Open wagons. There was no airtight compartments.

Yeah. I mean, I bet Kings had like airtight compartments. Yeah. I mean, I bet Kings had some pretty dope compartments. Yeah. Like in Game of Thrones. They were just like sitting there, like just chilling. How long is this ride? The horses are pulling their wagon along. They're fanning themselves and shit.

That had to happen too. That was like the real pimps. Like if you were a dude, you could pick a chick up and take her to the back of the carriage. She'd be like, oh my God, you have your own carriage? Yeah, baby. And you have your own hepatitis. Did they have hepatitis back then? When do you think the first VD

came into play? Well, syphilis was probably the first one. You read about it in the Bible. Really? Yeah, syphilis was all over the place. What did they call it? I think they called about it in the Bible. Really? Yeah, syphilis was all over the place. I think, you know... What did they call it? I think they called it syphilis. Really?

Didn't they? The clap? I think syphilis is the clap. Like, how do you think that... Do you think that happens in animals? Do you think animals give each other herpes? I never thought about that. My friend's got a herpes blister. It busts out like every couple months.

She just showed me this morning. She's like, come on, give me a kiss. I think it's the size of a dime. Was it on her lip? Yeah. I used to get those. It's such a shame because she's beautiful. She changed her diet.

Koalas have chlamydia, right? Do they? They're known for having chlamydia. Why do you say it looking at me like, of course you know. I thought you knew. It doesn't count if it's a stuffed animal. He's looking at me, ko known for having chlamydia. Why do you say it looking at me like, of course you know. I thought you knew. It doesn't count if it's a stuffed animal. He's looking at me, koalas have, you know it, right? They don't all have it, but it's like a, it's a thing. I thought I heard like they spread STDs.

Well, it looks like in this article it says koala, chlamydia, the STD threatening, and Australian icon. Wow. Well, didn't AIDS come from a monkey or is that a myth? That, man, I wish I could remember exactly how to answer this because I listened to a radio lab podcast called Patient Zero, I think it was, that was all about this. They were trying to figure out who was the first person that contracted the HIV virus. And it did have something to do with someone who was tending to meat that he had killed

of a chimpanzee and maybe perhaps had an open cut. Yeah. That was one of the speculations. Which of course turned into somebody fucked a monkey. That's just the American translation of facts. It's the fucking natural one with people. Some dude fucked a monkey. How else do you get an STD from a monkey?

You got to fuck it. Did you ever see that Chappelle bit? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Chappelle had one of the funniest bits of all time. He goes, do you know how hard it would be to fuck a monkey? And it's like, once he said it, I was like, I never even thought of that. Imagine. I know. And it's like, once he said it, I was like, I never even thought of that. Imagine the battle that you would have to go through to actually fuck a monkey.

Yeah. And you just think it's a given. Like, you know, hey, I'm going to have some dry days. I'll go fuck a monkey. Dude. Not so easy. Yeah. I do a bit in my act that's true about my cat biting me in the hand and me getting pissed at him.

I'm like what the fuck dude and he's looking at me and his ears are pulled back like that's a cat is that's a fucking powerful little animal uh-huh but it's nothing compared to a monkey yeah monkeys throw themselves through the air oh yeah little tiny body swings itself through the air catches itself throws itself through the the like they can do Ridiculous shit with their bodies you got to think they get a hold of you that thing bites your face If it gets a hold of your neck, it might look little, you know, especially if it's a chimp like Like a little baby champ we had on the set of news radio and it was like a two-year-old champ and this thing

Slapped me in my back like dude yeah it kind of like what you let him climb on you that kind of does whatever he wants cuz he's a baby he wasn't trying to hurt me but first of all he felt like he was made out of corded wood just like it was like a wooden animal like his he might have been like this big like you could kind of pick him up and carry him. But he felt like nothing like a person feels. Like nothing. He was just solid muscle.

And he just slapped me on the back. And all I could think of was a big one of these? A real full-grown one of these things? And they get aggressive around people. When we were down in South Africa in Cape Town and we were taking a walk

down to the Cape of Good, Cape of whatever, at the tip, the very tip of South Africa. And there's a field that you walk through with a path and the rangers came up to us

and my son was about, maybe about three years old. And he said to us, yeah, you're going to, you're going to want to hold him the whole time. And we're like, why? They're like, chimps will take him.

They'll just come down and grab him. Yeah, they'll steal your kid and eat him. Yeah. That's real. Can you imagine that? You go on a trip with your kid, you come back with no kid. And you watch your kid get taken off by a chimp. Fuck.

Fuck. Where's your son? Baboons, too. They're another animal. They'll do the same thing Yeah They'll go after babies Oh wait you know what I might be thinking of baboons

Oh That makes more sense I think it was baboons That makes more sense But there have been stories Of chimps doing it too Yeah Look man

Well who's the woman That got her face bitten off By a chimp A bunch of people But the one woman Who was most recently Her friend Had this pet chimp And she was giving it Xanax and wine and maybe sucking his dick.

Why did he need Xanax? If she's sucking his dick, what the hell does he need Xanax for? Could you imagine being so fucking crazy that not only do you have a 200-pound chimp living with you, but you give it Xanax? Do you think she gave it the Xanax so that he'd be more pliable? I think she was just banging this monkey. I think she lived with this monkey and she was banging it. I really think that.

I shouldn't say monkey, it's a chimp, whatever. She was living with this chimp and banging it. And so her friend came over. There was a chimp. Chimp used to dress up in human clothes. He was fucking her. Yep, that was the lady. No way! That was his girlfriend, man.

Who do you think initiated the first time? Her. You think so? Yeah, she got a pet chimp. She raised it. It's a boy. It's got a dick. She's like, look, this is my new bodyguard. And she's got this chimp, and she has a couple of glasses of red wine. The chimp wants to fuck her. She's like, who's going to know?

She lets that chimp fuck her a couple of times, and then he keeps slinging dick her way. And that's his girlfriend now. And this lady came over, and she interrupted his fun time. She was cock blocking, and he didn't take too kindly to it. So he did chimp shit to her. Just ripped her apart. Yeah. Tore her face off.

That's a big chimp. They bite your fingers off. He's huge. Just ripped her apart. Yeah. Tore her face off. They bite your fingers off. He's huge. He was 200 pounds. Shit. Big, overfed chimpanzee. Super ridiculous. Ungodly strong. No foreplay.

Oh, he probably just When Bobo wanted to fuck, you got fucked. You got fucked. You get out of the shower naked, Bobo's gonna fuck you. You have your. You got fucked. You get out of the shower naked, Bobo's going to fuck you. You have your period. Forget it. Try to keep that chip off you while you're menstruating. A police officer who responded to the scene of the attack shot and killed Travis

when he clawed open the cop's cruiser door and flashed his bloody teeth. Oh my God, dude. He opened the fucking door. The cop was shooting it as it was pulling the door open, flashing its bloody teeth, looking to tear him apart too. Holy fuck.

Holy fuck. Imagine if that was you, and you didn't have a gun, and you weren't a cop, you just pulled up, and you saw some chimp tearing apart a lady, and you're like, what the fuck? And the chimp just goes running towards you and decides he's going to open up your fucking door now,

and he's flashing his bloody teeth after he just ate some lady's face. Fuck, man. Where was this? I love this part. Investigators later speculated that a dose of Xanax caused the chimp to go berserk. Investigators later speculated that a dose of Xanax caused the chimp to go berserk. Oh, look at that face. That's what her face looks like now.

Oh, my God. This article actually says that her face transplant was being rejected. Oh, my God. She's having more surgery. Oh, my God. Does that mean she's going out to meet guys and she's being rejected? No, her body rejects it. Face transplants, any kind of transplants are notoriously tricky, apparently.

Poor lady. God, poor lady. So wait, where does it say that she was fucking him? That's my part. I added that. Oh, I thought you were serious. I don't know what they're doing. I mean, it's totally plausible.

It's completely plausible, but I absolutely made it up for regarded as her son. Okay, maybe she didn't fuck it. Do you think a woman could get pregnant from a monkey? Depends on the woman and depends on the monkey. Yeah. Some super smart monkey and really stupid person. Who knows? Yeah.

No, there's some hybrids right that uh that wind up being viable that's how like new species get developed sometimes but most of the time it doesn't like a liger they can't make babies you know they can you can make a baby a lion and a tiger can breed and make a baby but that baby can't make babies so i wonder man like what was it if you believe in evolution of course what was it in history like what was it, if you believe in evolution, of course, what was it in history? Like what was it like when there was a bunch of different species of humans? Because they think there's a bunch now. They've documented.

How many do you think they've documented now? Because they keep finding new ones. Like they found some new one in Russia recently. Oh, by the way, all the people that tweeted at me and sent me messages that I fucked up and said, Vasily Lomachenko is Russian. He's actually from the Ukraine. I apologize. I am a retarded American.

Anybody who's over there in that spot who talks like that, I go, that Russian dude. Yeah. But I understand that people would think that would be rude. Well, didn't Russia take over the Ukraine, though? Doesn't that give you an out? No, because I had a buddy of mine growing up who was Ukrainian. He always regarded himself as Ukrainian. He never thought of himself as Russian.

So I get it. I get it. It's like if we were America, like North America, Canada, and Mexico, we're all just one thing. Oh, you're from that spot. No, no, no. I'm from America, motherfucker. I'm from this spot, bitch. motherfucker. I'm from this spot,

bitch. Well, as far as the cavemen go, yeah, they didn't used to think that Neanderthal man and sapiens existed at the same time. Like, when you look at a timeline of cavemen, they make it seem like one ended and the next one just fucking started. Like, in the year

3000 BC, all of a sudden they just changed. 3000 BC? 20,000 BC? I think it was a lot more just changed. 3000 BC, 20,000 BC? How long ago was that? I think it was a lot more than that. I think when they're talking about people living alongside Neanderthal, I think they're talking about like 40,000 or 50,000 years ago. Yeah.

So there was, like you said, they coexisted. And they say that the fights, because Neanderthal man was a fucking beast. Totally different kind of person. Totally different. And then Sapien came along and Sapien was much smarter. And that's the only way he was the one that survived over Neanderthal.

Show me that again, Jamie. They were able to out-hunt and out-kill. Or we fucked them all and then we interbreeded with them. That probably might have happened, too. So what does it say, Jamie? It says a guy is trying to make a hybrid between a chimp? 1924.

Whoa. Let me guess, German? A wild group of 13 female chimpanzees to bring back to Primate Research Facility in Sakumi. The female chimpanzees were repeatedly injected with human male sperm, but none became pregnant. It was rumored that Ivanov used his own sperm or that of his son, but few people believe it. Son, can we come downstairs for a minute? Well, where else is he going to get cum?

He tried to go the other way around, too. It's not hard to get cum. He tried to get female volunteers to get injected with male chimpanzee sperm. And how many did it? Rumored that it only happened once, but apparently he got arrested and sent away to work in a veterinary station in Kazakhstan

and died two years later. Kazakhstan! Rumored no pregnancy actually happened, but maybe he actually did do it, who knows. The rumor was the pregnancy actually did happen? Did not, did not. Oh, did not happen. No pregnancy resulted,

but rumor that he did actually did happen did not did not oh did not happen rumor that he did actually inject a woman with sperm this story the story of this is like the beginning of like some

crazy superhero X-Men type reveal of some new some new instead of Wolverine some man chimp some hybrid

like Wolverine looked like he was kind of a man chimp hybrid the real Wolverine like from the comic books he was kind of a man champ hybrid the real Wolverine like from the comic books he was hairy looking

half human looking person well the Nazis did all kinds of shit like that yeah taking heads off one animal and trying to

put them on other animals but how many find this out Jamie find out when did human beings and Neanderthals coexist? How long ago was that? Or how about this?

How long ago did Neanderthals go extinct? Because that's what would tell us a lot. If you had to guess, what are you going to guess, Greg? I'd say, yeah, 20,000 sounds about right. I'm going to say, oh, I was right. Neanderthals went extinct in Europe about 40,000 years ago, giving them millennia to coexist with modern humans culturally and sexually. New findings suggest. The research also suggests that modern humans did not cause Neanderthals to rapidly go extinct, as some researchers have previously suggested.

Oh, I thought they killed them. Yeah, there was a lot of people that did. There was one guy that had a crazy fucking theory that's probably absolutely not true. But his theory was that they didn't look like people. His theory, we don't know what their soft tissue looked like. So he had this idea of a really intelligent ape-like creature because he compared well do you remember

that whole guy his whole thing he made like an animated video of what it would look like this terrifying like gorilla looking thing that's like heavily muscled because they were only like five two or five three yeah but they were like 205 pounds with giant like boulder sized bones in their body they had way different bone structure than we do and they were like 205 pounds with giant, like, boulder-sized bones in their body. They had way different bone structure than we do. And they were supposed to be, like, freakishly strong. Yeah. But I think they were sort of like on all fours and standing upright, but then sapiens stood upright. Is that true?

I think so. I know there was a difference in the way they moved, that the sapiens were faster, but they weren't as strong. So if they got into any kind of a battle, they were fucking dead. Right. That's interesting. I read a book called Sapiens. Yeah, this is what they

absolutely think that they looked like. The Neanderthals looked like. But there was a guy who had some crazy alternative theory that was probably horseshit that I want to focus on. It's probably totally fake, but it was like his theories, like what if Neanderthal didn't look anything like us? Like what if Neanderthal like had gorilla-like skin and was just hulking, scary looking,

fanged up, you know, jacked humanoid kind of ape. Yeah. Who knows, man? There's definitely a bunch of different kinds of people, though. They keep finding more and more evidence of finding new teeth and shit. Right, but the evolution was so slow. We think about things. The way evolution happens for us today is technological,

so we see shit happen from decade to decade. Yeah, there it is. Oh, yeah. Neanderthal profile was super predator. So in this video, when you're looking at Neanderthal, he's got black gorilla-looking skin with these big crazy eyes, and it's a terrifying-looking beast as opposed to the way we always project them. And he bases it on like the shape of their head and like what what a gorilla's head looks like a longer jaw yeah i mean it's

crazy like you because we don't know what their soft tissue looks like but if you give them a gorilla nose instead of a human nose they look way fucking scarier and his argument was like we have no idea what their nose looks like why are we giving them a human nose? I wonder if that flies. I wonder if anthropologists are getting angry right now. There were some vicious motherfuckers. Look at the way that thing looked, if that's what it looked like. Like, what the fuck? Oh, no, he looks upright. No, no, I guess they were partly on all fours and upright. I think they were upright. I think I'm pretty sure Neanderthals were completely upright. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they were a type of human. Yeah. They just weren't hobo sapiens, right? Yeah. So, I'm so stupid to have these conversations. I'm so stupid because I read an entire book about sapiens and this whole transformation, and I just, the problem is I read when I go to sleep, and I don't, I'm so fucking tired. It all goes through me. The next night, I can't even find out, I can't even find where I read when I go to sleep and I don't, I'm so fucking tired. It all goes through me.

The next night I can't even find out, I can't even find where I left off on the book. Isn't reading at night like the best way to fucking fall asleep? Oh yeah. It makes you go to sleep so much easier. Yeah. Like something about reading, I'm just like conk. Dude, my wife opens up her book at night, every night, and she does not get to the second page and she's sitting upright and I can hear her breathing change and she's not get to the second page and she's sitting upright and I can hear her breathing change

and she's asleep. Wow. I can't. I take a sleeping pill. Do you? Every night. Take a sleeping pill. What are you taking?

Lunesta. Any side effects? I think a loss of memory. Ooh, that's not good. I think that's what it is. I'm taking the sleeping pill and then I'm reading and nothing sticks. But, that's not good. I think that's what it is. I'm taking the sleeping pill and then I'm reading and nothing sticks.

But otherwise, I can't sleep. My mother and brother are the same way. We cannot sleep. Wow. We just, our minds fucking race

and I'll lay there for hours and nothing happens. So I'd... Huh. I'd rather be a little groggy in the morning than be exhausted and fucking cranky.

Have you tried any kind of meditation or anything to calm your mind before you go to bed? I started meditating, but I only started meditating like two years ago, and I've been taking the sleeping pills for probably like four. So I should try to get off of them. It's stupid. But I think if you get off those things, that's where it gets hairy. Really?

Yeah. So if you start going crazy, call me up so I know. I'll know. Joe, I'm an anaphyl. Greg, just say, hey, I tried going off these fucking sleeping pills. I'm like, okay, gotcha. Feel ya. Know where you're at.

Need you to do my 10-20 spot at the Laugh Factory tonight. Dude, when you get off those things, like sleeping pills, they have a real bizarre reaction. Some people have to them. Yeah. Where they'll do things and wake up in the middle of doing them. Yeah. Like driving down the highway in a shootout with the cops, like that kind of shit. You wake up in the middle of an act going, what the fuck am I doing?

You're saying why you're on sleeping pills. Yeah, why you're on certain sleeping pills. Yeah, Ambien is crazy. Like I ran out and I took a friend's Ambien recently and I had the most insane dreams. Oh, I've heard. I'm terrified of that stuff. Yeah. I know a lot of people who love that stuff. Yeah. I know a lot of people who

love that stuff. I don't know why Ambien is prescribed. It's the same thing with opioids. It's like, why are they still prescribing this shit when it's so addictive and so dangerous? Because people want to be able to make their own choices. And if you could go to a doctor, if you're informed correctly and you go to a doctor and you go, look, I don't give a fuck what they say. I want a fucking Ambien. I know it's not good for you. I know it's bad for my sleep. I don't give a fuck.

I need to go to sleep. If you're a grown adult, I feel you should be able to make that decision. How come you can make that decision and drink a fucking bottle of Ron White's tequila in a night if if you so choose to, why can't you decide to take an Ambien? It's true. Is it really worse than getting hammered? Everybody gets hammered. There's a lot of people getting hammered.

Well, it just seems like with all the options, like I know with Lunesta, I don't have these side effects. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, there's no side effects with Lunesta. I'm not a paid spokesman for Lunesta, by the way. But I just found that I did take Ambien, and it was crazy. It was like tripping.

So Lunesta does it for you? Lunesta works. Joe, Lunesta works for me. Have you ever done anything like melatonin? Yes. Have you tried a melatonin spray? Yeah, melatonin works. It's good.

Does it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you just try that then since it's a natural alternative? Because I'm Irish and we like to get addicted to things. You know, I quit the booze, so now I drink it. What is this shit you gave me? Caveman Coffee Nitro. It's good, man.

It's got a nice little kick. It's got a hell of a kick. It's got a hell of a kick. It's a weird taste to it. How sweet it is. It's kind of manly because it doesn't taste that good. Right. Right?

Well, it's like black coffee. Yeah. Exactly. When I say it doesn't taste that good, I mean it doesn't taste like a caramel macchiato. That tastes good. That's like, with every slurp, you're like, this is delicious, but it's full of sugar. This tastes like,

we were calling it like a Guinness, like the Guinness of coffee. It's got this weird sort of acquired taste. It's got this weird sort of acquired taste. It's got a little fizziness to it, which is nice. Nitrogenated. I don't know why. I don't know if it works more, gets you more fucked up. I don't know.

But it's got 270 milligrams of caffeine. Yeah, I'm a caffeine freak. I drink a lot of caffeine. Yeah, but that one's manageable. Caffeine never really derails your judgment. It's a manageable addiction. If you've got a legit addiction, caffeine's not a bad one. Yeah. That's one you can skate by with that one. Cigarettes is going to get you. That's the one that's going to get you. Cigarette's probably the worst thing you can be addicted

to, then heroin. It seems like pills might be worse than cigarettes because you can make rational decisions when you're on cigarettes. The problem is, though, the health consequences of cigarettes are almost inescapable. Well, you've just made an irrational decision if you're lighting a cigarette. Yeah.

So it's got you in a point of addiction where you are literally killing yourself slowly. It's kind of amazing that it's still around. It's amazing, really. But again, I'm 100% in favor of people doing whatever the fuck they want to do. If you are informed and you go, I don't give a shit, I want a fucking cigarette, you should be able to do it. Yeah.

So by that hand, if you could do that with booze, if you could do that, I think freedom is best. It's best to have people figure it out on their own. It's best to decide for people what they can and can't do. That's never good. I think it's the same with raising a kid. You know, I try to give my kids a lot of freedom. You know, I inform them.

I rein them in. I try to shepherd them. But I don't ride them. You know, and when they make mistakes, I don't overly punish. I just try to tell them I'm disappointed, and that means a lot to them. But I think that, you know, your kids are, they need to internalize responsibility. And the earlier they do it, the better, because the process of internalizing responsibility should start in whatever ways you can parcel it out from a young age that's how you got to do it because by the time they move out you know it's like you're not going

to be there to make these decisions for them yeah yeah the the task of raising a human is probably one of the most important things one of the most impossible to correct once you fucked it up. And it's put in the hands of everybody who is most likely raised incorrectly themselves. Well, the hope is there's more therapy than there was today. There's more literature. There's more studies. And I do think we're more informed about what we do. I think we're more vigilant about it.

I think men, the fact that I just said that to another man, that wouldn't have happened 25 years ago. No guy would talk about parenting in any deep way to another man. No, it was kind of almost gay. Well, yeah, it was. It was not your role to do that. And now parents, it's a partnership, the mother and the father because the worst thing and i i know a couple that's like this where they're never on the same page and their kids

are all fucked up and neither one of them is a bad parent they're just doing it in opposite ways what's the ways what's the he's very like you know uh checked out in some ways, but like in the way, the healthy way I describe hands-off is still caring and controlling and supporting. His is a little bit more like, I can't handle this. Hers is, she's super A-type personality, and she's trying to drive the kids to be their best potential,

which is good. A little bit of that is good, and a little bit of what he's doing is good, but they're both polar opposites and not really handling their strategies well either. But I really think that the main thing is that your kids can't feel like they're getting two different messages at the same time from mommy and daddy. They can't feel like they're being smothered either, right? You know, one of the things about kids that you find out real early is if you tell them not to do something that's what they want to do

they don't want you telling them what to do because they're little people and even though they might be five or six they're still little people and people don't like you telling them what to do you got to explain to them it's much better to explain to them why it's important that you do the thing that you don't want to do and why it's a good thing. And you got to change the way you think about it. Don't think about it like, oh, it's this chore. Think about it like, this is just a thing that I have to do right now. And I'm so lucky in so many ways. And that's how I should look at life. And that don't, don't just get annoyed at things that, you know, you don't want to go to bed. You got to go to bed. Listen, you got to get sleep. I know you don't just get annoyed at things. You know, I don't want to go to bed. You got to go to bed.

Listen, you got to get sleep. I know you don't want to go to bed. I get it. I feel the same way all the time. But as a person who's in charge of your biology, I know that you're not quite wise enough to make these decisions. You want to be healthy. Your little kids need to get like 10 to 12 hours sleep.

And you got to tell them, give them the association that they're making choices and that their choices have ramifications. You're going to wake up to, you know, sometimes it's hard for me to wake you up and it hurts in the morning. Well, they won't be that way if you go to sleep now. You'll wake up and you'll feel good. Yeah.

That's, man, that is the fucking biggest difference. When I had day jobs and, you know, a lot of times I was, like for years, I had sleep deprivation. Because I was getting up in the morning for delivering newspapers. And I was trying to go back to sleep, but I always stayed up at night because I was doing stand-up. And for the longest time, I was really screwed up. And then once I quit doing that, once I just started doing just stand up and i i started getting sleep like i'd go to bed after the clubs and i would get up at 11 and wake up and i felt

so good i was like oh my god like everything feels great like i don't feel like i'm constantly at a lack that feeling that you have when you're tired all the time when you work too many hours you don't get enough sleep is that fucking feeling like you're always at a lack. There's always like a hole in your biological game, as it were. You're just trying to be left alone. Yeah, just ugh. You just don't. But if you can get that solid eight to ten hour sleep, that goes away.

Yeah. Especially if you can get ten. But even if you can only get eight, it's worth so much. Oh, yeah. It's so fucking valuable. And then you throw a 20-minute meditation on top of that the next day, around 2.30 in the afternoon when you're crashing out after lunch. If you can do that, that's a good move.

Yeah. If you can just sit down. I mean, the meditation, just the word meditation is so loaded you know because it has the there's a sort of like a a lot of us i think have this idea about people who meditate is like oh then you know he's just trying to find some spiritual peace and this is like some masturbatory weirdness and you stand in front of some fucking incense and pretend you're from a different culture and but i think that just being alone with your thoughts and just your thoughts and just concentrating on just thinking about as little as possible just thinking maybe even just about breathing about breathing in and breathing out just that alone is a form of meditation

yeah i mean it's like a mean, it's a guided sleep. Think of it as taking a nap. You know, Eckhart Tolle talks about, you know, with meditation, it's just really, it's reminding you to not think about the past or the future for a little while. It's about just thinking about the breathing that's happening right now or the mantra that's happening right now. And when you come out of it, you're not going to stay in that state all day, but you will have brought yourself back to that point if only for 20 minutes.

And that will guide you for the rest of the day. Yeah. I think the momentum of most people's lives is so strong, mine included, I'm sure yours included, that oftentimes you just get caught up in how you're thinking or how you're behaving or what you're doing. You just get caught up in it. It's just like, wow, it's like pushing you from behind. And if you can just stop as often as possible and do nothing for an hour and breathe, just do nothing but think and breathe, you come out of it with a more balanced perspective. You make better decisions. You're not reacting to things.

You're not being pushed from behind by the momentum of everything you've experienced over the last X amount of months. You get a fresh restart to contemplate your existence. Well, we can't do anything about the past, but here's where we are right now. And this is what we will – okay, now I've decided that, you know, instead of concentrating on that, I'm going to concentrate on this. And give yourself like a chance to almost give yourself a little personal seminar. Give yourself a little, okay, are you happy about this? Like if you were giving yourself advice, it would probably be way different than what you actually do.

You know, I mean, I've always thought that. If I was giving myself advice, like how brutal would I be with myself? How honest would I be with myself? Well, that's why you're supposed to set goals because goals are you sitting down in a cold calculating way and saying, where do I want to be in a year?

What are the steps that I need to get to that? And then setting small goals to get you there because day to day you're reacting to people are codependent with their wives or their kids. And so they're reacting to that. You're wondering if your phone's going to ring. You're wondering what people are saying on social media. There's so many dynamics that have you spinning around and not in your own space.

So that's why I love the beginning of the year. I love sitting down and setting up some new goals. I mean, you and I just talked a couple nights ago about that. Yeah. Your goal is to sort of try to not get off social media more, not answer your phone all day. Yeah, stay off my phone for many, many hours at a time. Yeah. That's the big one.

And I'm just thinking about the amount of time that I spend just looking for something interesting, looking on Twitter feed. Looking on Facebook or on Instagram. Just looking for something interesting. Just flittering through fucking pictures of shit. Oh, look, another car. Oh, look at that lion. That's crazy. You know? After a while.

Look at that chimpanzee attacking a car. Well, that video that I showed you today, that's how I found it. The fucking lady that hit that or the guy that hit that moose. I don't know if it was a guy or a girl. Whoever the fuck had hit that moose. don't know if it's a guy or a girl whoever the fucking hit that moose but i'm inundated by that and people keep sending me these fucking videos of these russian crazy like acrobats doing flips on the top of buildings you've seen those guys those daredevils these russian daredevil characters they go on the top of buildings and do like handstands and lean their feet off the edge. You can't watch it man

It's too hard to watch. It's too fucking scary I mean It's fucking terrifying and some of them get up on top of them with those hover boards those little wheelie boards and they go like To the edge. Yeah, that makes me uncomfortable you just describing it and they spin around Skyscraper. Look at this. This is in Russia? I don't know where this one is, but they do these all over the place. I think this is Dubai.

This guy is on the fucking edge of a crazy skyscraper. Like, what is that, 100 stories high? Holy shit. And he's doing a handstand. And he came down backwards. Oh Holy shit. And he's doing a handstand. Oh! And he came down backwards. Oh, shit. Oh my god, that was terrifying. I just hurt my elbow.

What do you do after that? I just hurt my elbow reacting to that. I whacked my phone. That's hilarious. Oh, fuck. Look at this guy. He's got a helmet on. And his underwear. And he's got a helmet on. And his underwear.

And he's walking on a bar. Oh, my God. That is so crazy. These kids are fucking nuts, man. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. This guy's doing a balance beam over a, it looks like a harbor. I don't know how far down it is, but he's way the fuck up on some cream. He's on an oil rig, it looks like.

Oh, my God. This kid's going to die soon. There's a kid here that's jumping off of stuff. Yeah, I think I'm done. I'm done. Yeah. I used to do crazy shit. My friend lives on the fifth floor of an apartment building,

and there's a picture of me when I was about 14 hanging off his balcony by my knees. Oh, my God. Well, I was into gymnastics. I did gymnastics pretty hard for like six years. So I would hang off anything. I would do flips off fucking anything, anywhere. Yeah.

Dude, I got sweaty hands just looking at that. I do, too. I really did get sweaty hands. Oh, don't show me this. Jamie! God damn it. That guy jumped off the roof into a pool. I mean,

how many stories is that? Six stories. Six to eight. Shut this off. I can't do this anymore. My hands are fucking sweaty, man. They're soaking wet. Feel them. Feel them. Jesus. Mine are wet, too. Soaking wet.

Hey, can I plug some dates? Fuck yeah you can Come on everybody I got my big winter comedy tour coming up I'm coming to your town Tacoma, Washington February 9th through the 11th Website first so everybody knows where to get all the Fitzdog.com for tickets

Portland, Oregon February 16th through 18th Oklahoma City One night February 21st Austin, Texas February 16th through 18th. Oklahoma City, one night, February 21st. Austin, Texas, February 22nd through 25th. Fort Lauderdale in March. Burlington, Vermont in March.

Houston in March. Check it all out at Greg Fitz Show and Fitz Dog Radio. That's it. That Irvine Improv, the new Irvine Improv is fucking awesome. Have you done it? It's huge, right? It's giant. I did it once, and I just remember I didn't fill it.

I'll tell you that. By no means did I fill it. It's a very big place. Yeah. But I'm doing it. I've got two St. Patrick's Day shows, which you've done, I think, the last three years you've done my St. Patrick's Day show at the Hollywood Improv I have to support the one quarter Irish that I am

that's right that's always a fun show though, isn't it? fuck yeah, always we pack it out, we get all Irish comics on it throw a black guy in there just to keep the fucking PC police off my back get Ian Edwards on there yeah, that's a fun show, man

yeah it's good, Joey diaz i did it one year and it was um it was all the cool comics and then joey diaz it was like zach galifianakis and sarah silverman and you know andy kindler and they went up and they they didn't know who joey diaz was and uh i had him go on like second just to fucking, just to raise the bar on everybody else. And he went up there and he's doing this whole bit about having some chick piss in his mouth in the bathtub

and I'm drinking it like a soldier. And the place, they don't know what to make of him at first. It takes them like a good two minutes for them to just pick their jaws up off the table, put the jaw back in their head, and then start to laugh. And then you just saw them convulsed, destroyed. And in the back, Sarah and all of them, they're going like, who is this guy? What is this?

I go, this is fucking Joey Diaz. They didn't know? They didn't know him. How long ago was this? I go, this is fucking Joey Diaz. They didn't know? They didn't know him. When? How long ago was this? Two years ago. Wow. How did they not know who Joey Diaz is?

Because he doesn't work. I don't think he works the improv, does he? Yeah, but every comic knows. Like, you hear about, like, a guy. Like, you always hear about, like, I heard about Big Jay Oakerson before I saw him. People are like, you gotta see this guy. He's very funny. I think maybe there's

you know, a splintered comedy world. Like, Zach doesn't do a ton of stand-up. And I think, you know, Sarah works at the comedy store sometimes, right? Yeah, sometimes. I've seen her there a few times. Not as often as she should. What are you, judging? Well, she needs that, you know? I think some

comics, they work Largo a lot. And I think you can draw your own crowd. But she's like a real comic. She can play in a room like the store where they didn't all come to see her, and she can fucking prove something to people that maybe don't know what a good comic she is. Yeah, well, I would agree with you that I think she's one of the best comics alive, for sure. She killed at the fucking comedy store last time I saw her, which was, I want to say it was quite a while ago. It might have been a year ago.

Yeah. As a matter of fact. Sometime between now and a year. But anyway, she destroyed. And I was laughing really hard. Yeah. Like there was some funny shit in there. But on the other hand, she's obviously got money and she's obviously comfortable.

Yeah. So she should do whatever the fuck she wants that's true i mean right i mean there's guys like paul f tompkins that dude i haven't seen him in a comedy club in 10 years but he does his show at largo i don't know how often and he does he'll go to san francisco and fucking sell out cobs the guy's got his circuit he's got his crowd i think he makes a very nice living. And I think he does the style of comedy he does, which is a little bit more storytelling.

It's a little slower, a little more esoteric. May not work in the other kinds of clubs. So, yeah, maybe it fosters his ability to go deeper into what he's doing by playing select clubs. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's all in whether or not what you enjoy doing, whether it fits in with clubs. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's all in whether or not what you enjoy doing, whether it fits in with clubs. Yeah.

Because some people, it just doesn't. Some people, they don't enjoy just always being, you know, always going for the laugh, always, you know, like our style, Boston style. Like Boston style is like punchlines, set up punchlines, set up punchlines, and to try to build punchlines. Some people have like, they want to tell you a story that happens to be humorous. They don't

want to be confined by this idea that it has to be set up punchlines, set up punchlines. So it is sort of stand up in a lot of ways, but in a lot of ways it's not. It's like you're being an orator, a narrator, you're telling stories, which is cool too. There's a lot of people who, like Henry Rollins is a great example. You wouldn't say that necessarily what he does is stand-up. You would say it's a spoken word thing, right? But what is he doing? He's telling stories.

They have punchlines. They have very clear set-up and punchlines of them. It's obviously he knows where the funny parts are. So he's kind of doing stand-up. But he's doing it his fucking way. A lot of people really like that, is what my point is. And they don't want to go see him try to do a 15-minute set at the store. It can change.

I find that if I go through a run of clubs that are bad, like say Florida, it changes the way I'm doing stand-up. Because in Florida, it's just a schizoid crowd. You've got rednecks mixed in with old people, mixed in with Latinos, mixed in with fucking spring breakers or whatever. It's never one crowd. You have no fucking idea who you're playing to. So you're up there for an hour, and you're just, it's a drunken knife fight in the alley. You're just trying to fucking keep, you're spinning plates. You're trying to keep this guy happy, this guy's heckling.

They're not paying attention. And I find that, like, it makes my act worse because I'm not getting in the pocket and doing what I want to do. I'm pleasing because I'm trying to survive. Right. And then you go to a club like fucking Austin, Cap City in Austin, Texas. And holy shit, man, you just kick back and they come to you. Yeah.

I just did Madison, Wisconsin. They came to me. Oh. Madison's a really cool town. Yeah, it is. Really interesting. Oh. Madison's a really cool town. Yeah, it is. Really interesting. Yeah. Like super open-minded, liberal, Wisconsin town.

Yeah. With a great theater. There's a theater there, too. What the hell's that theater there? Is it Acme Theater? No. Did I make that up? No, Acme is in Minneapolis.

Oh, oh. Acme's the comedy club in Minneapolis, right? Minneapolis, right. What's the theater in Madison? Orpheum? I don't know. I had a point, but it's fucking lost. There's an Orpheum there? Maybe that's where I went.

Yeah, it's a great little city. It's a college town. Good food. It's really only one block, though. Yeah, it's not a lot. There's a block that goes from the state house to the university, and there's not much off it. And again, it's not a lot. It's like there's a block that goes from the state house to the university, and there's not much off it. And again, it's one of those places where people that are living in a place where it gets really, really, really fucking cold. Orphan theater.

It's the Orphan. That's where I was. Those people are heartier. Like that thing that we're talking about. Oh, hell yeah. This idea that you might not make it home tonight. Like there's a goddamn blizzard. You might get stuck on the side of the road.

And you see flashing like a light on the side of the road, like someone's hazard lights, they pulled over. Like a lot of times people help because that person might die. Like there's a difference between, like if you see somebody on the 405 and they're pulled over, do you ever even think for a fucking second of pulling over and helping them? No. No. But if you were driving down a snowy road in New Hampshire and you saw someone pulled over, do you ever even think for a fucking second of pulling over and helping them? No. No.

But if you were driving down a snowy road in New Hampshire and you saw someone pulled over the side of the road and you start thinking, what if that's a mom with her kids? And that's great. It totally fosters community. When you live in harsher weather, you have a trust and there's like a symbiotic relationship with your neighbors. And, you know, I think that like you think about people that live up in Alaska and how they share supplies and fucking in the spring help rebuild a barn.

And, you know, that that's community. That's living. I mean, in L.A., our needs are so easily met. Yeah. It just we don't have any fucking our roof doesn't go bad because it rains three days a year. And, you know, you can take an Uber here and you can get a fucking Yelp review on the sushi plate. It's all easy.

It all comes to you. There's no sense of, yeah, I don't need to help you if I hang out with you. It's because I want to hang out with you. There you hang out with your neighbor because you're fucking surviving together. We were all hanging out in the back of the comedy store last night and we were all stoned and we were all laughing and giggling and joking around. And I was thinking, boy, like what a great place this is to be like at the Sunset Strip in Hollywood in 2016. And then all I could think of because the pod probably was like, what if an asteroid, just not even a big one, but a pretty big one. Just slammed into downtown L.A. right now. Not enough to kill me, but enough for me to just feel the impact, see the thing flying through the sky, and hear the people scream and run for the fucking hills.

And realize, I realized at that moment, because I was so high, I was like, how fragile is this existence that we think is so concrete? We think it's so locked in and permanent and secure. And all we take is one fucking rock that comes hurling from the sky, boom, into downtown L.A., kill a half a million people. And then the rest of us would be just shit in our pants in terror. One highway goes out in L.A., we're fucked. We're fucked. Because there's only two roads downtown. There's the 10 and the 405.

And if those go, either one of those go, the city shuts down. Dude, this is such a stupid place to live. There was three earthquakes last night, too. Yeah? Yeah, three earthquakes. A pretty big one on the Nevada border. 5.7. It's a pretty big one.

It's not a one like the 1990 whatever the fuck it was one which was a lot higher. That was like more than 7. But this was that's a significant earthquake. 5.7 is a pretty good shock. But that's what's so weird about I mean you talk about it being tenuous and all that

is that that shit can fuck things up bad and people go oh we're due. But we just elected an earthquake. We chose a fucking tragedy to happen. And if you're a Trump supporter, go fuck yourself. You fucked us. Good night. Thanks for coming.

These liberals in Hollywood that think they can talk down to you, the good people of Trumplandia You just watch I am not on his side I do not support any of his statements And I think it's about time we showed a little respect for the office of commander-in-chief Maybe he will rise to the job Yes, he could

Maybe we can get him some mushrooms. Maybe he will have a revelation while he's in office that this has achieved the highest achievement that any human being can ever attain, that he has won the race. And maybe he will change his entire cabinet appointments that he's made over the last month. And like Bill Gates, dedicate the remaining years of his life to philanthropy work. Yes. You know, Joe, my attitude towards this year was supposed to be positive, and you just saw an example of negativity come out. Yeah, you go a little negative.

I can't do it. I can't go negative on it. I can be vigilant. I can keep an eye on what he does. My wife has this app where every day she can call or write a congressman or a cause or a place you can donate money so that you feel like every day what's the app called do you know no i'll find out i'll find out jamie can find it but it's a way of not feeling alienated and not feeling isolated and like you're doing something whether or not it makes a difference maybe it does well if everybody

reacts that way it makes a difference it difference. It's really sheer numbers. I've used it as an example on the show before, but you remember when the United States had that – the president had the press conference where Obama was saying that we were probably going to go to war with Syria? And America was like, fuck you. It was unanimous across the board, right and left. So when he said they drew a line in the sand about if they used chemical weapons, we'd go to war? Yeah, there was something along those lines. But there was a fucking blatant rejection by the American people. It was very obvious. It was very vocal.

And no commentators, right or left, were saying this is a good idea. Like, this is a terrible idea. You want to go to another fucking unwinnable war? This time in Syria? And so it stopped. Yeah. All the it stopped. Yeah. All the talk stopped. I mean, obviously it's a terrible fucking place.

And, you know, that- It's terrible. The videos that are coming out of there every day. It's insane. It's just being fucking wiped out. It's insane. It's insane. I don't think, I mean, it's hard for us to even imagine what it would be like to be living there, living over here in fucking Los Angeles where everything's perfect.

Imagine what it's like to be someone who just by a bad roll of the dice, you were born over there. What about parts of Africa, you know, South Sudan and Congo and places where people are giving their lives in the street because there were voter discrepancies. in the street because there were voter discrepancies that, you know, ideologically are letting themselves be shot in public squares because they're demonstrating. That's intense. Yeah, it's incredible.

It's, I mean, there's pockets of the world that are living a sophisticated version of the way people were living six, 700 years ago. Yeah. They're just living a more sophisticated version. They're using cell phones and technology, but they have almost the same mindset as people who lived hundreds and hundreds of years ago, for good and for bad.

They found an uncontacted tribe in the Amazon. Oh, I saw that. I saw the pictures. Holy shit. We were trying to figure out, we were like, imagine if there was a way where you could infiltrate those people, but they wouldn't, you would have to, they would not, the only way to really know how they lived would be to become one of them. Like you really couldn't figure out how they lived by you going in there as Greg Fitzsimmons because they would go, oh, what the fuck is this?

You have clothes? Like what's that thing on your wrist? It tells the time? Why do you need to know what time it is? It would be amazing, but you would be too affected. You would affect them, rather. Also, you might kill them because very often people, anthropologists, try to go in there and study, and they give them a disease. There's been cases where they've wiped out entire tribes yeah there's a guy named dan flores who's um he wrote a paper about um the the bisons and uh it's

a bison diplomacy bison ecology i think it's called and one of the things he was talking about was the amount of native americans that were wiped out just because of diseases by settlers. And it was some insane number, like high 80%. Oh, down in Mexico, that was. I don't know where it was, but what percentage of Native Americans, Google this, what percentage of Native Americans were killed by diseases from European settlers? Because I know the Spanish, when they came into Central America, they fucking, so many people died from diseases. Well, he was equating it to the boom in the buffalo herd sizes. Oh, no shit.

He was saying that when the Native Americans contacted the Europeans, they got these horses from them. Okay, what does it say here? 90%. Holy shit. No shit. When Europeans arrived carrying germs which thrived on a dense semi-urban populations, the indigenous people of the Americas were effectively doomed.

They had never experienced smallpox, measles, or flu before, and the viruses tore through the continent, killing an estimated 90% of Native Americans. Damn! Holy shit! Holy shit! 90%! And then we went to war against the remaining 10%. Holy shit.

Dislocated them and pushed them around. Holy shit. God damn. And we wonder why they drink. Well, I mean, the same thing that I said about that tribe that lived in the jungle, I would love if there was a way where you could somehow or another be amongst them without them knowing it. So you could really truly see how they behave and exist unaffected by a person like you or a person like me that obviously doesn't doesn't wasn't born there there was this documentary about this guy from the from greenwich village i think he was a gay guy and he went down to this village in might have been columbia

and he lived with them on the river for 20 years. And they were gay. The tribe wasn't gay, but they didn't delineate between gay sex and straight sex. It was just all kind of fluidly what happened. And so he had this boyfriend, basically. But the boyfriend had a wife and kids, but he slept with the guy for 20 years. And then he left, and he was gone for like 15 years.

I forget why he didn't go back. I think he didn't go back because like they eventually attacked him and they were going to kill him. He realized one. Oh, no, I know it was. One night he realized that they were cannibals. They went and they attacked another tribe. They all of a sudden one night.

It had never happened before in all the years he was there. Maybe it was only 10 years. They all put on paint and they went to the next village and they killed and then they ate flesh and the guy just went i'm fucking out of here where's my where's my return ticket and he left holy shit and so he came back to the village and he wrote about it and he lectured about it and then he went back like yeah like 15 years later he goes back finds the dude and this is like i think that i think the movie might have been called keep the river on your right and he went back and he found the dude and they like rekindled their relationship oh my god it was incredible keep the river on your

right i think so i'm writing that down i I need to see that. What the fuck, dude? I didn't know that the incidences of cannibalism were so prevalent among Native Americans. They would occasionally do that. Like the Nez Perce, apparently, they would occasionally catch people and kill them and eat them. Yeah. I could see that. Especially white people. They'd catch you.

They'd eat your brain, right? They'd eat your whole body. Yeah. But probably eat your brain, too. But think about it. I mean, they'd catch you. They'd eat your brain, right? They'd eat your whole body. Yeah. But probably eat your brain, too. But think about it. I mean, it's very, like, symbolic. You conquer and you consume. Yeah.

But it's the thing that freaks us out the most, the idea of being just reduced to meat. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And by someone just with a bigger tomahawk, you know? Yeah, some meaner dude who got to you before you could get to him. There's no, like, real serious weapons other than bows and arrows and spears. And it's really a fight to exhaustion. It's who lasts the longest.

Fuck. Or they capture you if you're trying to get away from them. to get away from them. But in their case, I mean, do you imagine if you and your people had lived in this one patch of land for 10,000 years, then all of a sudden these fucking demons carrying death in their breath, in their very touch, like just getting in contact with them makes all of your relatives wilt away. Kills 90% of the people you know. Just them being around.

Now, forget about all the shit they killed with guns. All the people they probably shot and killed. Emanating evil and death. And then they round you up like fucking cattle and they rape your women. Jesus. I mean enough can't be said. People go, oh what are you fucking

liberal worrying about the Native Americans? It's pretty bad. Well, I didn't know how bad it was until I read a priest's account of Columbus's men interacting with Native Americans. And it is horrific. Yeah. This religious guy went with them on one of the voyages and wrote books about how they would hack off guys' arms. And they would tell them to bring them gold. They had to bring their weight in gold,

and if they didn't do it, they would hack off one of their arms. They'd do it in front of everybody else to freak them out. And at first, the natives were very friendly, and once they realized that the natives were friendly and that the natives were sort of weak, they started taking advantage of them and brutalizing them and getting them to acquire gold, and they would smash babies

on rocks. Like this priest wrote all about this. Oh, it was horrible, horrible, horrible shit. Damn. This priest wrote about this. So when, you know, we think of Christopher Columbus, we think of this noble Spanish gentleman who came over and landed in America and, you know, looked regal as he got off with fucking rosy cheeks and walked amongst

the people and declared this American, all that bullshit, and made friends with the Indians. But they were a horrible band of monsters. They also stopped in the Caribbean on the way here, and they literally committed genocide on an entire fucking island of people. They worked them to death. Same thing, like a lot of these people, gold didn't mean anything to them. Like it was something that they used, you know, to decorate or whatever, but there was no value

the way there was in Europe. So they gave it to them. They were like, yeah, you want the gold? It's right over there. Grab the gold. And once they took all that, then they made them start working for it. And it seems like also, like these tribes that they encounter, they don't have any concept of large-scale slave labor like the Europeans did.

The Europeans were like, oh, we'll just get you to work for us or we'll kill you. I don't think that was a thing that Native Americans were known for. They're probably like, what are we doing here? Why do we keep digging for gold? What the fuck is going on here? They had weird concepts in terms of like what is possession like they didn't have the same sort of concepts of like this being yours like if you left something there he would just someone would just take it they would think well that's

the thing that i want it's right there i mean i'm just gonna take that it's not anybody's nobody owns it so it confused the shit out of them when they would get accused of stealing like there was a whole different in in many of these encounters apparently there was a whole different like not just a language barrier but a culture barrier like understanding what these fucking crazy white assholes were doing and the whole concept that you still see in in a lot of like middle eastern countries which is the the idea of giving to as a You know, when you come to somebody's home, you give them your bed and you give them food and you would never ask them to leave as long as they want to stay.

And it's all about generosity. And the Western mentality is more about collecting and owning. Yeah. It's interesting. And isn't that also what we were talking about before that a long time ago is a lot like living in a place that has unbelievably harsh winters. A long time ago, you're faced with danger all the time and you had to make bonds. They had to be important. So like if you came over to my house, I'd have to think, hey, Greg, you know, the shit might go down one day.

If the shit goes down, I'm here with you. You're here with me. We're going to break bread. You sleep in my bed. I got you, bro. You're here. So there was this intense need to form these community bonds. Today, nobody even knows where their fucking neighbor is.

Do you think they lived like that a thousand years ago? You fucking for sure knew who that guy was. You for sure knew who that guy was and everybody would be on the lookout for some people that we didn't know that might be sneaking over the top of the hill. There's none of that anymore. It's gone. Now when you talk about gossip, you know, small towns

from a long time ago, people go, ah, everybody was gossiping. Yeah, you know what they were saying? That guy's a rapist. Yeah. Watch out for him. Yeah. Or, hey, this guy I can vouch for. He's a good guy.

That's what gossip was. Yeah. And you needed to know. Mm-hmm. You needed to know who's a freak. Yeah. Who's fucking crazy. Right.

Who's doing weird shit. Yeah. Who's jerking off in all the girls' shoes in the middle of the night? Who the fuck? Did you find them? Which of the girls like it? You know who's doing it? Yeah.

The girls who like it. You got to separate them. They need their own hut with a loose door. Send them to Vegas. Just people like what we've become right now as the people that are living here in 2016, it's a weird process that's been going on for hundreds and hundreds of years. And we're just at the end of it we're obviously not the end end but we're at the front of the line as far as all the history

of it all pushing behind us it's hard for us to appreciate how weird it must have been to be our parents or to be our parents parents or to come here from another country or to to be someone who existed back when you only lived 30 years old. I mean, you die of old age. You have a heart attack at 30 or you get your disease or someone shoot you in an arrow. That was like a giant percentage of us. Half your brothers and sisters died from shit like smallpox or whooping cough. And to have the balls to get in a boat and leave Spain and head across the fucking ocean

and land in the Bahamas. Those are marauders, those people. I just think about landing, even later, the beginning of the 19th century, or the 20th century, when people were coming over from Europe. You landed in Manhattan. You got a burlap sack with some clothes on it and an address of a fucking second cousin out in Brooklyn. You don't know how to get to Brooklyn. You don't speak the native language.

Wow. You're speaking Italian. Italians are fucking hated when you land. You're shit. Nobody wants to help you. People don't realize that today because that stigma has kind of gone away. My grandfather used to talk about it all the time because he came over from Italy and my grandmother came over from Italy on my mom's side. And they would talk about it all the time, how horrible it was.

Kids would call them guinea wops. You would be treated as a lower level person because you're Italian. But then suddenly it went away. It's weird. Jersey Shore brought it back a little bit. Real Housewives, they're guinea wops. Yeah. Real Housewives of New Jersey, holy shit.

Yeah. It is funny because, like, the Italians are, in some ways, you know, you think about the Holy Roman Empire. I mean, you and I were both in Rome this summer, and it's mind-blowing that irrigation started there. Every major thing started there. Well, I guess

was democracy Greek or Roman? Yeah, I think, right? Didn't they have that first? Who created democracy? I think it was the Greeks. I think that's a Greek word. You get blown away by what the Italians are capable of. You see the craftsmanship of marble work in this country that the Italians brought over.

And the opera. And then you see Jersey Shore. It's such a fucking weird dichotomy of Italians can be so fucking dumb and materialistic, and yet they are the fucking high point of culture and civilization. Well, in some ways, but they were also fucking kids. Yeah. Right? Like, that's a big part of what they did, too. Yeah. They did that along with make incredible architecture, unbelievable art, incredible buildings filled with statues that are just beyond compare.

It's an incredible artistic expression, but rampant kid fucking. Right? We both grew up Catholic, right? We knew Catholics. Our families were all Catholic. Everyone around us was Catholic. Yeah. We both grew up Catholic, right? Yeah. We knew Catholics. Our families were all Catholic. Everyone around us was Catholic. Yeah. We all knew a priest that tried to fuck a kid or fucked a kid.

Well, you heard about a priest who fucked a kid. Yeah. Or my friend, he went away to some fucking camp, and the priest climbed into bed with him and was trying to grab his hand and shove it down his pants. And he was literally fighting the guy off and running away from him. It was a crazy story. I was like, what? Yeah, the Catholics, I think there's a work ethic that comes with it and a service of

God thing and a Christian soldier thing. And then there's also all the repression and shame about sexuality that plays out. The Irish are the same way. The Irish have, you know, they saved the Bible. the repression and shame about sexuality that plays out the irish are the same way the irish of you know they saved the bible there's this book called how the irish saved civilization and when the roman empire was being destroyed they were burning every single bible in europe like they literally destroyed all the bibles and in ireland there were the monks that were like you know the uh the uh what are those scrolls called in Dublin?

The, whatever they're called, but they were handwriting Bibles by the fucking thousands. And that's what saved Christianity. Wow. And so, and then you get into the poets, you know, Yates and Eugene O'Neill, and you think about what the Irish have offered to this place, But the same thing, massive kid fuckers. Yeah, it's the number of people throughout history that were kid fuckers. That's what was really weird. It's like if you go through history and, you know, what would you call it, pederasties?

Is that what you call it? Is that the technical word for having sex with underage boys? But it's really common. technical word for having sex with underage boys, but it's really common. Like, like throughout human history, throughout Rome and the Middle East. And there's so many fucking instances of great men through in like, it wasn't Socrates, a kid fucker. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean like how many people quote Socrates and then have that caveat, but he also fucked kids? Mm-hmm. You know, that's not, that doesn't, you just, you give them a pass on that. Mm-hmm.

They didn't know you weren't supposed to fuck kids back then. Yeah. Because people, a lot of people probably fucked them too. Mm-hmm. It was probably sexual exchanges where, like, we had a much less rigid idea of what sexual exchanges were acceptable. Mm-hmm. That's not that long ago. Yeah.

You know, it's weird that hundreds of years ago people were just fucking kids. I'd fuck an animal before I'd fuck a kid. There's a lot of animals, I think, that would probably be good to fuck. I think a horse would probably fight back the least. I don't know about that. I wouldn't fuck a horse. Because if they kick you, you're dead.

That's true. They decide they're done. They're not going to be cool about it. They're not going to be like, all right, go ahead and finish. No, they're going to kick you off them. You want they're done. Yeah. They're not going to be cool about it. They're not going to be like, all right, go ahead and finish. No, they're going to kick you off them. You want a fat, lazy animal. Yeah.

You don't want death by female horse or male horse if you're into that kind of shit. Probably a sheep seems to be pretty popular out west. Sheep would be the one. Yeah. That would definitely be the one. You know, it's weird that it's illegal to kill animals when you are going to do anything but eat them. And it's illegal to fuck animals. Like, you can't fuck them, but you can kill them.

You can eat them, but you can't fuck them. So you can't do a dual purpose. You can't kill them, fuck them, then eat them because then you're fucking a dead animal and that's gross. You can't fuck them when they're alive. But I think that might be legal. I think it's more legal to fuck a dead animal than a live animal. That makes sense. Because what are you doing?

Then you're really just masturbating because there's not a living thing in your presence. It can't be rape if it's dead. But you notice how there's like stages of like how you feel about the dead animal. There's like one one stage one is the live animal right if you're fucking a live animal you crazy asshole what are you subjecting that animal to yeah stage two you're fucking a dead animal like what is wrong with you like why why do you want to fuck this thing like forget about whether you should be able to do it but if you kill it and then eat it right everybody's fine with that because that's like what

you're supposed to do. But you can't fuck its body, but what if you just jerked off with a chicken cutlet? What if you took a chicken cutlet, you wrapped it around your dick, and someone came in the room and was like, what the fuck are you doing, Greg? Like, dude, I'm telling you, it sounds crazy, but it feels so good. And I just clean it up and then I eat it. It's no big deal. I still eat the cutlet.

Somebody comes over for dinner, takes a bite. What's this nice cream sauce? How dare you? Now that you say fucking a chicken cutlet, it takes a bite. What's this nice cream sauce? How dare you? Now that you say fucking a chicken cutlet, it's all I can think about. Because it's slippery. Slippery. It's soft. One of those GMO chickens, it would wrap right around your heart. Hell yeah.

And it's a breast. You're thinking about it being your tit fuck in it. You know what you would do? You would take a bag, like one of them Ziploc storage bags, you put the chicken cutlet in the bag, and then heat up some water to about 99 degrees. And then you dunk the chicken cutlet in the water so that it heats up. It gets like a body skin temperature.

Then you just cover that bitch with KY. Just lather it in there, and then you put an oven mitt on. So you grab ahold of the cutlet. You wrap that cutlet around your shaft. Oh! Crimes against humanity never felt so good. And you can eat it. You're going to eat it.

You're going to cook that shit because you've tenderized it. Especially like you don't have to use inedible oil. You could jerk off with a nice avocado oil or olive oil. You know, avocado oil has a high flashpoint. It's a good oil to jerk off with. Yes. Because then after you're done, as long as you don't come on your chicken. Oh, no, you pull out.

That's gross. You don't want to come on your food. But that way it would be like really green. Yeah. Multiple uses. That's gross. You don't want to cum on your food. But that way it would be really green. Yeah. Multiple uses. I love it. But we can't accept the fact that we want pleasure. You know, that we want pleasure from a fleshlight is gross.

Oh, you want to fuck that thing? Ew, that's gross. That we want pleasure from a chicken cutlet using an animal's flesh as a masturbation tool. But we'll eat it. We'll sink our teeth into it and swallow it. As long as you intercourse with an animal. We'll eat a cow's fucking milk. There's rules.

Which is so weird. Here's the rules. According to section 69 of the Sexual Offenses Act of 2003. 69. Commits, a person commits an offense of intercourse with an animal if A. He unintentionally performs an act of penetration, which is penis. B. What is penetrated is the vagina or anus of a living animal. So blowjobs are free.

So that's not intercourse with an animal, and blowjobs are free. But notice how both of them are he. Yes. You know, they're referring to he doing it. What the fuck is that? They're not referring to a chick fucking a horse. A chick fucking a horse seems totally legal. Wouldn't it be a horse fucking a chick, though?

Not the chick fucking a horse. No, that dirty bitch. She shows that horse what's up. She backs up to him. Keeps him stuck in that stall. He can't back up or go forward, it's totally against his will. This article has to do with David Cameron and the prime minister, I think, of the UK or Britain.

This is just talking about if he could have gotten in trouble, something happened, there's some allegations of something and some memoirs about something. I'm not reading all of the article, I was just reading about the laws. He put his penis in a dead pig head. He did? That's what it says. Yeah, right here.

That's the allegation. Well, he was in university. Oh. But it was breaking down if what he did was actually illegal or not. And it has to be a dead animal, or this was a dead animal in this case. So if it's a live animal, it's sex with an animal. Yes. So if it's a dead animal, it's no big deal.

And then it broke it down that it would have mattered where it happened and if someone would have taken a picture of it. If there's no picture, you're fine. If it happened in non-public, you're also maybe okay. That is fucking hilarious. How weird is it that we have rules on what we allow you to fuck? But you can kill them and eat them but you can't just kill them you can only kill them if you're going to eat them yeah you can't just shoot

a cow in the head leave it to rot even though that's like the natural process is an animal falls down crows start eating it rats eat it the the grass devours it it gets you know it decays and goes into the ground but you can't do that that. You can only shoot them if you want to eat them. Unless you strap a bit in its mouth, sit on it, and whip it around a fucking oval track. Oh, you can do that. Then he breaks his leg. Then you can kill him. You can shoot him in the head then.

Then it's fair. Yeah, we've got weird rules with how we interact with animals. I'm definitely not saying you should go around fucking animals. I'm not saying you should be able to. I'm not saying you should. I hope nobody interprets what we're saying as that. I'm just saying it is weird that we make rules about things like that.

Who is fucking these animals to the point where we've got to write this down? I'm surprised there's not more animal fucking. Because think about how horny people are, and you think about people that can't get laid. Oh, yeah.

And I just, it seems incredible to me that you don't hear all the, maybe it just does, people don't find out. Maybe there's more animal fucking going on than we really are aware of. How many people right now? I mean, if you see a guy who lives alone with a fucking giant dog. Yeah. Like one of those big fucking sheep dogs. Mm-hmm.

That's weird that a guy would live with that because he's fucking it oh Greg that's so not true sometimes they just have a nice pet dog and they love him and they give him a kiss on the face and they throw the ball for him and he's a wonderful companion but at least

a few guys are out there right now while I'm talking there's 300 million people in this country plus Mexicans. What's that number? 350? Whatever it is. We don't even know what the number is, right?

And when I say plus Mexicans, I'm not trying to be racist. You're welcome here. I say you can stay. That's what I say. Fuck yeah. Let them stay. Just don't fuck the animals. But what I'm saying is, out of 300 plus million people, there's at least one person right

now who has his balls covered in whipped cream his dog is sucking on his balls and he's jerking off. So many more than that. At least one though. I'm super confident. If I had, if they said Mr. Rogan would you like to bet $10,000 on that being true? Yes.

That's good money. One person right now at a 300 million has whipped cream on his balls and he's jerking off while his dog's licking his nuts. And then the map, the spots on the map where it's happening, and it would be like those Trump states. You know when you're like, I can't believe they're all red. That's what it would be like. Like the sky, like a constellation.

The entire country would light up. It would be like 3,000 people at the same time. That's too much, right? That's probably much, right? Well. That's probably not happening. It says right here that bestiality is legal in Kentucky, Montana, New Jersey, Nevada, of course, Ohio, Texas. Jersey does permit civil unions.

You can marry an animal. You can have a civil union with your animal. 55% of the states wherein bestiality is legal, same-sex marriage is not. Oh my god, that's hilarious. That's insulting. That is insulting. The states which

do not criminalize bestiality yet ban same-sex marriages are Kentucky, Montana, New Jersey, Nevada, Ohio, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia, and Wyoming. Holy shit. They don't criminalize bestiology, but they have a ban on dudes marrying dudes. It's just a misdemeanor in a lot of other states, too.

What if you're gay for a male dog? Right. How's that work? I think you can't do it. so if you're allowed to marry a dog you could fuck it for sure right no they don't have problems with bestiality in those states right oh no jersey jersey allows for a civil union amongst people who are gay they don't allow for uh a civil union amongst you and your animal yeah how dare you interpret it that way but you know i mean how can how can you say that it's okay to fuck animals

but gay people can't get married that that is the way the fact that we let that stay on the books like everybody needs to sit down and go what are we doing like what's this what is this you think it's okay? Yeah. Is it okay to fuck your sheepdog? But these two lesbians, they can't get married? Get the fuck out of here, man. Get out of the way. Boy, is that insulting.

Just get out of the way. But now it's national. Now gay marriage is legal in all states, correct? Is it? I think so. I mean, it'll be challenged once Trump comes in. Is it legal in all states, federally? I think it is, right?

I think that was a year ago. I think it's federally legal, but it's the states that have issues with it. That's interesting. So it's like the opposite of the problem with marijuana. Marijuana being legal in a lot of states, but federally illegal. What a weird system. I never get it. I think that was the issue with that lady in Kentucky.

She wouldn't, she wouldn't, personally wouldn't issue the marriage license. Oh, that's right. You're right, Jamie. You're right. Yeah, that was that crazy lady. For Jesus! Jesus don't want no clippers sucking each other off under the power of my government. Whoa! And they brought her to the convention, the Republican convention.

She was a hero. She was a goddamn hero. Yeah. I'll parade her around. You know what I love is Trump's inauguration. You see what he's got lined up for the talent so far mormon tabernacle choir and some of the rockettes a bunch of them won't do it yeah i'm sure meanwhile the democrats i heard i don't know is this confirmed that the democrats are putting on a uh concert that same night and they've got springsteen, Lady Gaga, fucking Jay-Z and Beyonce, like literally like 15 of the biggest names in entertainment.

And Trump is such a star fucker. This is killing him. How weird. The Democrats are doing something on the inauguration night like that. Why are they doing that? Maybe it's not that night, but it's around then. Maybe they're trying to fuck with him. Oh, yeah.

Totally fucking with him. Right. I think it's raising awareness that we have to stay vigilant. That, you know, I don't think we should shut down government, but I think that we should make sure that the Constitution is being honored. That's the big question right now. How does a guy go from being a reality star to being the president? I mean, it's almost beyond imagination. right now. How does a guy go from being a reality star to being the president? I mean, it's almost beyond imagination.

Like, the fact that it's real, and I keep opening up CNN every day going, oh yeah. Every day. Every day I'll go to CNN.com I'll go, oh yeah, yep, he's the guy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, he won. No, that bit you did about it last night.

We just wanted to fuck with stuff. Don't give my bit away. I'm still working on it. Supposedly this was called the We the People concert, but I'm not seeing there's no tickets for sale right now. We the People for Trump? No, the Democratic concert is supposed to be held in Miami. Supposedly, there's rumors that a

promoter was going to book it. Is it called a clock of cucks? A clock of seagulls? This is according to Politico. Cucks are anybody who supports Hillary. A cuck is cuckold. Like a guy

who, I mean, it's not just that. It's like white knights. You're a cuck. If you're white knighting, you're a cuck. Like it's new alt-right speak. No shit. It came out of the, originally from the porn phrase cuckold,

which is like a guy fucks your wife in front of you and you're like, ooh, like some guys like watching. Oh no, cuckold goes back to Shakespeare. Yeah.

But they, they changed it. But how is it that they're maligning her for her husband cheating when Trump has had three wives? But wait a minute. And the first who's who's they? The right. Isn't that a big generalization? Well, they went after they brought they brought out all of all of Clinton's ex mistresses at the Republican convention. Well, wasn't that all people that he allegedly sexually assaulted?

That's a little stronger than just mistresses. I think it's probably a combination. It's the best of. I think they were like, they were women that were accusing him of rape, weren't they? Were they all? I think so. Or accusing him of sexual assault. Wasn't that what the big deal was? It wasn't just that he had affairs with these women.

Yeah. It was that there was, like, some allegations. Right. It's all, yeah, I think that's what it was. But it is amazing how much that was used against her. A list of sexual advances and things like that. Yeah. Well, sexual advances is, in my opinion, very different than sexual assault.

Well, let's say groping. Groping. Oh, okay. Forcibly kissing. So when you say sexual advances, it's always like, what does that mean? Does he talk to her? Probably like grabbing pussies. How dare you?

How dare you? What is weird is that, you know, without permission, and again, I'm not defending Trump on this one, but your first move, you can go hard or you can be Johnny Gentleman. Right. You know, and not too many guys are saying, may I kiss you? You usually just go in and try to kiss somebody. Right. Which is what he did. Not only that, can you go in and grab a woman's vagina as your first move?

Can you cut to third? Can you steal first and second Can you cut to third? Can you steal first and second and go right to third? Who says you can't? Well. If it worked, it would be a fucking bold move. Didn't he say they let you? Wasn't that one of the things he had said?

Yes. He was talking about crazy groupies. I don't want to defend it because there's a way to do it. Like if you're sitting, like I remember when I was a teenager, there was a girl driving a car and I didn't know her that well. But we were like 16 or 17. And while she was driving, I put my hand, there were like three kids in the back and everybody's getting high. And I put my hand on her knee and I kind of worked it. I worked it down the thigh slowly, slowly. Is it okay?

Not saying it, but it's dark. It's quiet. And I got to her vagina and I massaged it while she drove. Slowly, slowly. Is it okay? Not saying it, but it's dark, it's quiet. And I got to her vagina and I massaged it while she drove. Whoa. And then we got to where we were going. I got out of the car and I never saw her again. Whoa.

Was that, in fact, Joe Rogan, immoral? Not in my eyes. Girls like boys and boys like girls. That's right. She might have called her friends over and gone, dude, check this out. This dude fingered me all the way home. It was awesome. And I went home and finished. Woo!

You know she finished when she got home. That's the grab-em-by-the-pussy quote, what he said. Your girl is hot as shit in the purple, says Bush, now co-host of NBC's Today Show. I got to use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her, Trump says. And when you're a star, they let you do it, Trump says. Grab them by the pussy, Trump says. You can do anything. He's being funny.

You know, it's unfortunate that that's, you know, and people like making this thing about about it being uh locker room talk is inexcusable you can't say it's locker room talk like you you can't expect someone's words when it's two guys talking shit to each other like that to be transferred literally onto like a like when you're reading it you're reading it out and you're not taking into account there are two guys sitting next to each other on a bus talking shit, being funny. And that one of them is a fucking renowned entertainer. And his whole thing is about him being this like braggadocious winner.

And he's he's obviously playing it up and he's playing it up to an audience of one, not the audience of 80 million or however many people found out about it, or more, or whatever the hell it was that read that. But can you see that as sort of an insight into his character in terms of seeing women from a power structure, of him having the power and them not, and will that affect how he leads the country? For sure. That is absolutely a way to look at it. Another way to look at it is he was used to groupies that wanted to do it. And a lot of them probably did. I think when you're a fucking billionaire.

When you're powerful. Forget the money. Yeah. But he's also a multi-billionaire. He has many billions of dollars. The type of gold-digging hoes that must launch themselves in his direction they must have to fight them off like the Horde in Lord of the Rings

he's worth a lot of fucking money a gal could just sneak in and take a piece of that you think he's peeled off a million here and there for women? I think it wouldn't hurt him baby take it, get something nice go to the gift shop, get yourself a little something You think he would have peeled off a million here and there for women? I think it wouldn't hurt him. I think it wouldn't hurt him. Baby, get something nice. Go down to the gift shop, get yourself a little something. He's not a business marauder just because he likes money.

He likes the whole thing. He likes all of the above. That's part of all of the above, of the massive success. He can do whatever he wants. He flies in his jet. He's got billions of dollars. He's got this super hot wife. He's a president of the fucking United States now.

I mean, that's standard for his operational procedure. He does whatever the fuck he wants. Well, it's kind of animalistic because if you think about it, procreating is the most important thing, and you get to do that as a male when you are the most powerful. So in the animal kingdom, everything translates into being able to fuck the female. And so for a guy like that,

to be the most powerful man in his own mind means the spoils. So the winner goes to spoils. Plus he's heterosexual. That boils it down. He's a heterosexualils. Yeah. So the winner goes to spoils. Plus he's heterosexual. Hmm. That boils it down. It's a heterosexual man. Yeah. With a massive amount of money and power.

Hmm. And, you know, and now he's the president. What the fuck? We'll see what happens. Hmm. It's going to be interesting. The interesting thing to me is now there's a guy who has been literally paying off politicians for the longest time, right? Giving massive campaign contributions. Now he's a guy who has been literally paying off politicians for the longest time, giving massive campaign contributions.

Now he's the president himself. What's he going to do when he gets in there? I mean he's even talked himself about how the electoral college is stupid. And he's like, yeah, we probably should go to the popular vote. He goes, that would be a different race though. I didn't try to win the race. Like saying that she won the electoral vote or that she won the popular vote, but he won the electoral college vote and she won the popular vote by,

you know, many hundreds of thousands. Three million. Was it really? Four million. Is that true? Three or four million. So that's the case. Like he was saying, well, that's a different race. Like you could do a popular vote. He goes, it'd actually be an easier race, but it's a different race. Like if you want to win the electoral college, you got to win those States. It's just how it goes. And he figured it out and he did it.

And she even avoided those States to build Clinton's fucking angst. Apparently he was furious that there's some story that he threw a cell phone down. He was yelling out. You got to go to these places. You got a campaign. She was like, those aren't my people.

Like too many liberals thought they had it in the bag. Too many liberals thought, well, everybody the bag. Too many liberals thought, well, everybody thinks the way I think. And everybody I know thinks Trump can't be president. There's people just all throughout those cornfields just so happy. So happy when he got in office, man.

There's a lot of Instagram posts that I follow. Instagram pages. You go to people's pages and it's all hashtag MAGA. Hashtag Make America Great Again. Yeehaw! hashtag MAGA. Hashtag Make America Great Again. Yeehaw! Here's my pickup truck and my Make America Great Again tattoo on my dick. I want to talk to every one of those motherfuckers in two years. I want to talk to all of you face

to face and have you account for yourselves. Don't say that because then they're going to blame the liberals and you're a part of the liberal conspiracy. The reason why Trump wasn't successful is because the liberals backed Congress, tried to interrupt the power structure. liberal conspiracy and the reason why trump wasn't successful is because the liberal backed congress try to interrupt the power structure liberals don't back congress keep trump listen man i know how it works i go on infowars.com i'll fucking tell you right now the republicans have the right

idea if they if he is not successful he's got the Senate and Congress and the Supreme Court and the gubernatorial control. He's got it all. That's crazy. If his agenda doesn't go through, he cannot blame the liberals for it. I am hoping with great sincerity that we slowly phase out the idea of having one individual president. I think it's ridiculous, and I think it goes back to the ancient fucking primates and their alpha male king. I think it's a stupid structure. Especially when you start seeing families occupy that one throne. Yeah. Too many people. Too many Bushes, too many Clintons. Just stop. Stop. And what if

Donald Trump wins, and then a few years down the road, his son gets in? What if they're the next empire? That easily could happen. You never know. The idea was great when we first started. The idea was great to have one person who was really exceptional and have that one person lead. But I think at this point in time, the collective strength of human beings has been demonstrated really clearly in this world. The collective strength is far greater when everyone contributes, when it's a collective group of minds thinking and communicating about things.

And people go, oh, you know, everybody's going to want their way. And we have to realize, like, what's the right way? Like, there's too much debate back and forth about what's the left and what's the right. And what's the healthy way? What's the correct way for, like like the society to be even and smooth and your kids be able to walk to school in the morning without worrying about someone taking them and eating them? You know, like there was this fucking guy, Jordan Peterson, that I had on recently. It was talking about these posters that they put up in Russia in the 1930s saying, don't eat your children. saying, don't eat your children? Dude.

Yeah. He was talking about Marxism and communism and where it can go awful and where a lot of these ridiculous posturing intellectuals that claim to be Marxists, they don't understand the consequences of Marxism. And he does really, really well. And so he talked about the Gulag a cappella and reading about all the different things

that had happened to people that had become indoctrinated into these ideologies and then started carrying out these horrific crimes in the name of them. And fuck, it's terrifying. You find out all the people who died because of communism. Like, when you look at human history, it's just a bunch of people getting jacked. Well, wait, so you're saying that there shouldn't be a strong leader or there should? Because Marxism is without a strong leader then.

Well, I don't think there should be one person. I think we should figure out who the top minds, as far as the people that want to contribute, who the top minds are and vet them out and have a whole goddamn panel of people. Like, you know, like what superhero movies would they go to? Like Captain America? A Council of Elders or some shit. Oh, right. They would always have a bunch of wise men sitting around. They would be glowing from behind, like some Thor-type shit, right?

That's literally what we need. But the elders is the problem because a lot of times these oligarchies become old people. Like Congress, before Johnson came in, Congress was literally seniority. Every committee in Congress was based on seniority. The oldest motherfucker ran things. That's so crazy. And it was crazy. And it totally backlogged any legislation.

And he came in and he broke that up. He's alive the longest. He knows the old ways. Right. He knows the old ways. Right, right. He knows the old ways. We will continue the old ways. Yeah. Put your powdered wig on.

How long are we away from that? How long ago was the powdered wig? 200 years ago? Not far enough. What was the day where they were like, what the fuck are we doing? I'm not wearing the wig, bro. I'm not wearing the fucking wig. Like, what day?

I should bring it back. Fuck it. My hair fell out. I'm going powdered wig. bro I'm not wearing the fucking wig like what day I should bring it back fuck it my hair fell out I'm going powdered wig I'll go with you at the comedy store me and you you and me

fanny packs and powdered wigs fuck yeah fanny packs right here dude sitting right there on that that's right I wear mine all the time and my son gave me shit about it and then guess what

what six months later he's like dad you still got that fanny pack oh he wants one everybody's wearing those now. I'll get him one. Yeah? Yeah, I've got some of my higher primate ones.

All right, great. The Roots ones. I gave you one of those, didn't I? Yeah, I wear it all the time. That's what I'm saying. All praise be to Dice Clay. He started it? Dice Clay told me about it.

Yeah. Well, I always wore fanny packs. I've been wearing fanny packs forever, but they were crappy. And then Dice Clay came in. I went, what is this exceptional piece of hardware you have around your waist? He's like, oh, you like this? It's the best. Oh!

Yes. It's from Roots. Roots makes this leather fanny pack. And it's fucking beautiful the way it clips together. It's like it's perfect size. I hate shit in my pockets. It drives me crazy. Look at me right now.

Me too. Phone is here. Glass there. I take everything out of my pockets wherever I go, and I lose shit. Bro, I'm wearing shorts. Check that shit out. There's nothing in my pockets. My little man bags.

That's it. I wore a fanny pack this morning. I got a sports one because I ran. Ooh, those are good. And I put it around my waist. The little sports ones. Oh, yeah. Oh, by the way, shit my pants while running this morning.

No, did you? Not hard. It was a shart. I was coming up a hill. I was in mile four. Had nothing left. And I thought I had to fart and just bam. Sharted my underwear.

I did that the other day in my house. Just a little squirt. I went, Jesus Christ. Feels like such a failure. But I had some good farts before that. That's the problem. I got motivated because I had some rumblers. You were on a roll. I had some rumblers before that. That's the problem. Yeah. I got motivated. Yep. Because I had some rumblers. You were on a roll. I had some rumblers.

I'm like, Jesus. And it was just me. I didn't have to cover them from nobody. So I was pausing and leaning into them. And then it just, a little, I'm like, ah, fuck. Fuck. That's a shower. That's a shower.

But it was interesting because as soon as I got on the bowl, all of a sudden I had explosive diarrhea. I'm like, where was this? I had no idea that some diarrhea was looming. That's some holiday eating. That's holiday eating. Probably. Creams and shit. Also, I go off the diet and I started eating pumpkin pie and ice cream and shit.

Yeah, it's all the cream. Yeah. With a lot of bread. I had like pumpkin pie and ice cream and shit. It's all the cream. Yeah. With a lot of bread. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich last night. But that is the ultimate failure because your job as a human is to provide for your family and not shit your pants. You think about it all the time. Every time you fart, there's a little moment where you weigh in on it.

You feel it out. You feel your intestines. You feel your anus. You make a judgment call where you weigh in on it. You feel it out. You feel your intestines. You feel your anus. You make a judgment call, and you let it rip. What's interesting if you think about how tuned in you are to the sensations you get from your inner colon, because there's times you know, like, oh, no, I'm about to shit my pants. There's a certain alarm that goes off. Like when you're like, oh, no, no, we're clenching a little too hard here.

Okay, we got a problem here, boys. We got a runner. We got a runner. And it's like, we got a runner. It's like you just barely keep it in there. Close the gates. Close the gates. And you're just clamping down.

And it's the same exact feeling that you get is when you're trying to hold come in. You know that, Jesus, don't move! Shit! I'm super bad at clamping everything in like that. I always say, one day I'm going to try Tantra. I'm going to learn how to completely... Guys say that you can have an internal orgasm. Your contraction is so long that you cum, but no cum comes out.

Your body just reabsorbs it, and it makes you super cyan power. Yeah. I've choked one back. Wow. Just got to grab the base right before impact and squeeze really hard. It's got to be long enough where it begins, but not so long that it comes out

and I've pushed it back in again. But what if you cause an injury? Yeah, that's the problem. What if you get crazy and you just really grab it? That's why I've only done it a couple times. What if you broke your own dick because you grabbed it too hard? God damn.

Life would not be worth living. Can you imagine that? Not having your dick cum anymore for the rest of your life and knowing that? What percentage of your life revolves around getting rid of cum? Once a day.

Okay, but once a day. So if it's once a day, if it's even 45 minutes of your time, the other 23 hours and 15 minutes are bullshit. You're thinking like, this is what I can't lose. I can't lose. All that other stuff. Embarrassing myself. Like if you said to a lot of guys, like if you had to choose between being blind or having your dick break, where your dick can never get it up again.

Oh, no question. What would you say? Give me the fucking stick and the dog. Give me the Stevie Wonder glasses. Very superstitious. And he's getting laid after the show. Man, I was driving last night and I was listening to that song. You know, sometimes you go through your phone and you're looking at iTunes, like recently added.

Like, oh, yeah, I forgot I bought this. I listened to some old school Stevie Wonder. Yeah. I listened to that superstitious song. I listened to it like three times in a row last night coming home from the comedy store it's like god damn that song was good yeah he made some of the great i mean just anytime somebody can take soul and funk and bring it together that to me is like we were talking about it last night i was talking to dean del rey about soul and fucking earth wind and fire and uh who did I listen to yesterday?

Sly and the Family Stone. When they're pounding that fucking bass and get a little fucking fast guitar going. Yeah, man. Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum. I mean, it was an amazing time of music in like the 60s and 70s. Like sometimes I wonder if we have so much music that we're constantly cranking out.

Like how many people go back and check out some of the old stuff? How much great shit just got kind of misplaced? Well, what's his name? Bruno Mars is bringing back that sound a lot. He does some cool shit that's got that sound. He's got some great shit. The Childish Gambino album, I think I mentioned it to you. It's almost like a funk album now.

Really? People were expecting a hip-hop album from him because that's what he does usually. But it's a lot of funkadelic, basically what you're describing. You liked it? Yeah, it's really good. Were you sober? That's the concert I did 1,200 milligrams of edibles for but i i got the cd recently i bought it for my mom for christmas did you understand what he just said 1200 milligrams

of edibles he did how much how much is a gummy bear 20 i like 20 i like 30 the fuck up that old brownie that was a thousand because i knew it was going to be a crazy concert they did this 3d experience so i was going to go in did you have to fight at any point or it was all i was waiting for it to hit and it never hit see here's the deal jamie has some weird constitution where edible weed doesn't work on him wow yeah it never hit yeah i don't i don't think so oh he was he's always a little high that's the problem it's like his his constitution is like a dude who's on a low dose of edibles all the time. So I think when you give Jamie a high dose of edibles, his body goes, I don't know what to do with this.

And your body just clears it out of the way. Interesting. Just think it doesn't work on him. He's an alien. Huh. I don't know what to do. You'll be fine. Can you take more than Joey Diaz?

He's given me plenty. And he gave me 800 during a show when he was on here. And I didn't. I don't know, whatever. Nothing happened. Yeah, he never gets too high. God damn. But here's the thing.

He gets high when he smokes it. Oh. Yeah. Super high. Do you have to smoke a lot to get high? Not necessarily. No, he's totally normal in that regard. Yeah.

Like normal. Like if we were all sitting around passing the joint, he would hit it the same amount as everybody else. We'd all be looking at each other like, whoa. There's been many a podcast we've done, including the beginning of this one. As it starts out, you're like, whoa, I don't even know if I should be talking right now. I'm barely holding on to the words as they're coming out of my mouth and forming them in the right way. It's like they're little fucking clay kids that are running out of my mouth and I gotta like form them. Alright, put your

hat on. Sure, go. So barbecued. Why are you upside down? This new weed, it seems to be getting stronger. This LA Speed weed, like since this I wanna know what's going on. Like since legalization hit, it feels like the weed

went up a bump. I recently asked for less than strong weed. Like I wanted back in like whatever I was getting back in Ohio, like middle, mid weed, what we used to call mids. I just wanted to go back to the middle. And he just gave me something that was like $5 cheaper. I was like, no, that's not what I wanted. I wanted your shittiest weed basically.

Yeah, milder. They don't even have it. No, you just got to take little baby hits. But the problem is everybody likes taking a couple hits. That's part of the fun. You take a hit, take a couple hits. But last night at the Comedy Store, I went way too far. Way too far.

How many hits is that? I try not to get too high before the show. I never get as high as I got before this show, before a stand-up show. I like to be right where I am now, where I was high a couple hours ago, and then go on stage. That's the best way to do it. But afterwards, everybody was just passing joints around. Since it's legal now, everybody just goes out, and they're all just passing joints. Hey, man, you want some of this?

Eh, fuck it. And Ron White with his contraptions, he's got the fucking pen, he's got a joint, he's got his own tequila and a cigar. It's hilarious. Who drove him home? I don't know. Somebody did. I don't know what happened last night.

But he was talking about how he left. Hey, I just left my truck back here. Came back and got it. He's an animal. We need more people like him. The last of the Mohicans, you know? That's a real comic. Yeah, that Constitution.

My dad had that Constitution, you know? John Wayne, apparently, would be the last guy drinking. And he drank whiskey. And he'd be the first guy on set. And he was on point for everything. And if you were late, he was like, what the fuck? I got a buddy of mine who's a firearms enthusiast in Vegas. My buddy named Justin.

You know Justin. Justin's a legit giant. He's like 7 feet tall. 300 pounds. And a gun nut. And he can put the booze away like nobody's business. First of all, he's a legitimate 100 pounds

bigger than me. So I can't compete with him just liver-wise. Just like volume-wise. He's just way bigger. His body just burns through it. Come on, dude. We're drinking. He's way too big and experienced. He just just way bigger. His body just burns through it. Come on, dude. We're drinking. He's way too big and experienced. He just puts it away. What does he drink?

Makers and Coke. Always. Makers and Coke. Always Makers and Coke. You know what to get him. You don't have to ask. There he is right there. And if he gets a meal, does he have to Wow. God damn. He's a legit giant. He's the sweetest guy in the world, too. Super, super good dude. So he's in for two entrees at a meal. Oh, wow, god damn. He's a fucking legit giant. He's the sweetest guy in the world, too.

Super, super good dude. So he's in for two entrees at a meal. Oh, dude, we feast in Vegas. You go to that place, what's the place you told me, the Brazilian place you took me? Oh, Fogo de Chão. Did you guys go there? We've been to the Texas D. Brazil. All you can eat. Yeah.

We go to, there's a bunch of good steakhouses, like Craft Steak and Strip Steak. One of them is the MGM and one of them is at Mandalay. I always forget which one's which. Craft Steak is MGM, right? That one's the shit. There's one at the Palm, I think, called Nine. Oh, so good. Yeah.

Yeah, that place is amazing. That place is amazing. Big UFC this weekend, dude. F2F? I'm leaving tomorrow. Oh, are you? UFC, yeah, UFC this weekend. New Year's Eve?

No, it's the day before New Year's Eve to not compete with New Year's Eve. It's the 30th, so it's Friday night, which is super, super rare. And it's the return of Ronda Rousey. Wow. Yeah. She's fighting. She's fighting the champion, Amanda Nunes. Very intense matchup.

Ronda Rousey's been training like a fucking demon, man. It's crazy. It's kind of frightening. So are you doing a show while you're out there? No, not this time. This time I'm hanging out. Just going to hang out with some friends during town. I don't want to always do shows.

Like tomorrow night I'm going to work out with Mark De La Grate. He's a kickboxing trainer that's a real good buddy of mine who works for the UFC. And he's going to be there. So we'll do the weigh-ins, go get something to eat, and go to the gym. We'll go whack some pads around. It's fun. Just relax. Take the weekend off.

Because I come in to read the weigh-ins on the one day, which this way, usually it's Friday, but it'll be Thursday now. And then the fights are on Friday night. And then do you do much prep? Do you have to, like, review stats and stuff? Most of the prep I do, I just do naturally, believe it or not, because I'm just curious about the fights because I know they're coming up. So, like, we did a breakdown show on Monday.

Yeah, on Monday we did a breakdown show. We went over the card. And I'll do more of that on my own. But it's not like anybody asked me to do it. And it's not like I'm doing it because I want to do it. I'm doing it because it enhances my appreciation of the fight find out a little bit about each dude watch a few of his old fights go oh i like how he does this or look how she does that or oh this guy's got a good one good

position like if you get he gets you in this position he finishes guys like so it's fun to do it from that perspective like so then when i'm watching the fight i've got a kind of an understanding of how at least how they used to move you know six months ago or a year ago people get better quick too that's the other weird thing about this world the mma world is changing so fast the like the level of athlete is moving in such a fast direction these guys keep getting better and better and better and better and better and they're all getting better so it's hard to tell but when you compare like a top level athlete of today versus a top-level athlete of 20 years ago, that's when you see these stark, gigantic differences.

When the UFC started in 1993 in comparison to 2016, just stark, crazy differences. Which you're not going to see guys stay at the top as long, you think? Well, some guys can or some girls can, you know, depending on how good they are. Some people just have massive advantages that are very difficult to overcome. Like Anderson Silva when he was in his prime. Anderson Silva had a massive advantage in timing and speed and creativity and striking. Whereas he could defend himself on the ground. He was difficult to take down.

And when he got him down, he's pretty good defensively with his guard. But standing up, he's a goddamn goddamn genius he was a virtuoso and he would just like move on you and do weird shit to you and then blam catch you with a front kick to the face or something and just he would time you figure you out find your distance and then land some crazy shit on you and fuck you up and he did it to so many people so when a guy like that was at the top he's so truly exceptional at one particular aspect of the game. A lot of times they can go on a good run. So it's hard. It's hard for people to go on a run. Demetrius Mighty Mouse Johnson's probably on the longest run as a champion now,

I think. Is he on the longest run? The most wins as a champion? I think he might be right up there with Anderson in the most wins. And then maybe Jon Jones is in there too. What weight is he? He's the smallest guy. He's 125. He's the flyweight champion. In my opinion, he's the best pound for pound guy. Because if you look at like, he's definitely smaller

than the other guys. He can move differently because he's not so weighed down by gravity. So it's very difficult to look at his movements and say, well, you could compare him to a guy like Fabrizio Verdum who's 240 pounds. Fabrizio is just more hampered down by gravity. His body just has to push around so much more. There's no way he can move with the kind of fluidity that a guy like Mighty Mouse can.

And what's the biggest guy that Mighty Mouse will fight? Anderson Silva, 10-fight win streak, and Demetrius Johnson is at 8, right below George St. Pierre, which is at 9. He's at 9 now. I think this is as of July. Oh, okay. So Demetrius defended his title again recently, so he's tied with George St. Pierre for second place.

So that's, you know, like a guy like Anderson, perfect example. Super tough. Jon Jones, another one, perfect example. Jon Jones is a ridiculously talented athlete. So, like, when you have these, like, really, really talented guys guys, extreme outliers, they tend to be able to go on roles. Also because when you fight them, it's terrifying because you know you're stepping in there with the alpha. You're stepping in there with Anderson Silva in his prime, and he bows to you, and you're like, oh, my God, what the fuck have I gotten myself into? You know?

Yeah. You can pump yourself up for it and get yourself thinking, like, I'm the fucking man now. But, like, when you're actually across the street from the man and you're looking at each other eye to eye and you realize, like, that's Anderson

motherfucking Silva. I'm about to step into the ring, step into the octagon, rather, with the best ever. You're doing handstand on the edge of a tall building. So it's hard for them to get over that.

It takes a super strong mind just to be able to fight at your best. Whether or not your best is even good enough, that's another aspect of the fight. Whether or not your best is good enough is really secondary because you're not going to be able to be at your best. You're going to be so freaked out and so fucking nervous. Your timing is going to be off. Your adrenaline is going to be fucking pumping through your veins. You might get an adrenaline dump, so you might tire out in the second round.

You've got to manage your resources. You've got to manage your anxiety, and you're facing a goddamn ninja, like a real live superhero character. And he's seeing all of those weaknesses in you. He sees everything. He sees everything, too, when you start moving around. When you would move around with him, he would move around with you and he would see how you move, whether or not you move slow. He would take his time. He would take his time and then just open

up on guys. It's fascinating to watch him, man, because he would dissect guys. You'd see him dissecting guys. He'd be bouncing around and moving. He would change his footwork. He would throw a little fake your way and see how you react you could have hit you right there okay i see what's going on here and then you do some stuff at him he's like no not today not today with that and you would see him doing all these calculations in his mind and setting up traps and then somewhere in the second round he would attack and when he was in his prime it was just stunning to behold here he is right now look at he's standing in front of this guy, hands down, and he just barely moves his head out of the way.

He's like just timing him, just trying to figure out, and then plop, pops him with a jab and drops him. I mean, you're watching all this in slow motion too, unfortunately, but this was when he fought Yushin Okami. I mean, he was just an assassin back then. He was so good. That's when he was the middleweight champion. And he was just lighting people up in there, man. So he'll let a guy get up because he's better on his feet.

I didn't give a fuck, dude. Go to Anderson Silva highlight reel. See if you can find that. He didn't give a fuck. If you were on your feet, you were going to get knocked out against him in his prime. That was his attitude. He would stand with anybody. I mean, his stand-up was so exceptional. But he's still fighting. Yeah, he's still fighting, but he's 40 or 41 now. And that's the only fucking thing in the world that's undefeated is Father Time, man. Just check this

shit out. This is him when he was in his prime. Okay, he just slides out of the way and drops that dude with a punch. I mean, he just had a way of moving. Just see if you have a highlight reel, not just this one fight. Oh, this highlight tribute? Oh, okay. I see.

But it's just the same fight a couple times in a row. This guy had a real good chance against him, Travis Luter. This is a bunch of people that he fought. They're showing. He was so goddamn good. That's Travis Luter caught in a triangle bunch of people that he fought. They're showing. He was so goddamn good. That's Travis Luter caught in a triangle getting elbowed in the head. He just was, at that time in particular, he was the next level of striking. Because we had never seen anybody who had real world-class striking skills in the middleweight division like Anderson did.

He just had, especially in particular, MMA striking skills. Well, his feet are just grounded. His balance is amazing. Well, he was just exceptional, truly exceptional. And physically strong, for sure. But the big thing about Anderson wasn't like how big he was. It was just how technical he was and how brilliant his ability to figure guys out was.

This was a guy he fought named Lee Murray. Lee Murray is a guy who put on the biggest bank robbery in the history of Great Britain. That guy stole hundreds of millions of dollars, allegedly, from a bank and is in jail, I think in Morocco now because of it. But he was an assassin too, and they two met up, and Anderson Silva lit him on fire. Yeah. Just fucked him up.

Just stood right in front of him, leg kicked the shit out of him, beat his ass, took his best shots. He was so good. So are you friends with Silva? I know him. I see him. He doesn't speak English that good, but I always give him a hug when I see him. He's a very nice guy.

Yeah. And, again, he's the greatest of all time. If you're a fan of the sport, in my opinion, like, that guy, when he was in his, like, whatever, there's, like, a few-year period where someone can exist at the highest of RPMs. And when he was in the highest of RPMs, the argument is really between him and maybe Fedor Emelianenko, who fought in Pride. I think Fedor is a real possibility.

Like, I definitely could see the argument That he was number one Instead of Anderson But it's really like who the fuck knows They fought in different organizations They fought different people I think the talent level is probably a little bit better In the UFC

But it's arguable that it wasn't Because he was fighting Krokop in his prime And Noguera in his prime And Fedor fought some of the all-time greats at their best and beat him. So it's arguable that he fought a tougher range of opponents. So maybe it's arguable that Fedor's accomplishments are more impressive because the opposition he fought was bigger, more dangerous. He fought Krokop when Krokop was just an assassin, just smashing people, knocking everybody dead. And he walked him down and out-kickboxed them, mostly.

That's mostly what the fight was about. So when you get to know these guys, like I'm sure you're more friendly with some than others, is that hard to affect the way you call the fights in terms of being critical? It can be. I try not to make it, though. I try really hard to be as objective as possible about what I'm saying. And sometimes people get upset that I'm friends with because I'm talking about things that they're doing wrong or things that are going wrong for them. And so they'll think that I'm rooting against them.

And I'm like, look, I'm not. And they'll say something to you about it? Yeah, I'll have conversations with them. I'm like, dude, I am not rooting against you. This is what I'm seeing. I'm seeing this. Like, I'm seeing, you know, I know you're thinking that you're winning this part of the fight, or you're thinking that I'm being hypercritical.

But I have to say it if I'm seeing it. And I try really hard to have a point. Like, I'm not a critical person. I'm not, like, mocking someone for no reason or talking in a negative way about their technique for no reason. It's only because it's not happening. And I want everybody to know what's going wrong. You're pointing out the momentum of the fight. And also I want to know what's going on that's wrong.

Because your job as a commentator is not just to say what's happening and talk about what's happening. But in MMA, it's also to explain things. Like I have to explain certain things that are critical in a fight. Like say if someone gets kicked in the leg really hard a few times, you see him start to limp on it. I have to point out that I see him limping. Now this is going to be a huge issue if he tries to shoot in or if he wants to move away.

It's going to hinder his mobility. It's very important. So then the people at home, now they go, okay, well, that makes sense. Oh, yeah, look, that guy is limping. Oh, shit, he got hit in that same spot again. Now he's on the ground again. Oh, my God, he can't get up. Like, I see it now.

So you know patterns. You're a storyteller. Yes. You're also talking about a mathematical problem, essentially, a problem that's being duked out. Like, there's literally, like, a force problem. It's like this versus this. And you're trying to get there faster.

You're trying to hit harder in the better positions. So the geometry of the human body, you're trying to accelerate towards the vulnerable areas and do it better. So what are the best ways to do that? And then there's a science and art behind doing it in the best way. And it's my job to explain that science and art to the best I can live in motion while it's all happening.

I can't be biased. I try very hard to not be. Because it's really important that I point out both sides. And sometimes people accuse you of it. And I swear to God, if you do feel that I'm doing it, it is absolutely not intentional. I try very hard to try to be as balanced and unbiased as I can while explaining exactly what I see playing out. Even with my friends. I'll see my friend getting fucked up. And I'm like, he can't drop that right hand.

He's dropping that right hand. The guy's stepping to the right. And he's going to catch him. And then boom, when they catch him, they're like, fuck. You see it happening sometimes before they can see it. Does that ever affect how close you let yourself get to a fighter? No. No.

No, I respect them all very deeply. And I'm really good friends with a lot of them. And I want the best for all of them. And that sounds contradictory. It sounds like impossible. Like someone will think like if they fight that person and they hate that person and you like that person, but you like them, like, you're a traitor or something. How can you talk to that person?

How can you talk to him? He's my mortal enemy. But, look, man, I hate the fact that you guys are enemies. I don't know how much of it's real, how much of it you're doing for press, but I'm not happy with it. But I like the guy. He's a good guy. I can be friends with somebody that you're not friends with. If you have some guy that you don't like you

would have to have a good reason you know like somebody fucked you over it couldn't be like a competitive reason like two guys who fought and they're bitter about it you know I mean like if it was it like if you told me about some guy who fucked you over in a business deal or something like that I'd be like oh well fuck that guy you know that's that guy did something wrong yeah it's just a competitor like that fucking guy, I tried to follow him in Miami and I bombed. Fuck him.

You're like, oh, that guy kicked your ass. Yeah. You know, and that's with a lot of fighters. They develop these like very, these like deeply sort of conflicting relationships with fellow fighters. Like you can't get too close to them because then you're going to have to fight them. Yeah. Some guys don't give a fuck. Some guys become friends with guys and then wind up fighting them. Like, you can't get too close to them, because then you're going to have to fight them. Yeah. Some guys don't give a fuck.

Some guys become friends with guys, then wind up fighting them. Oh, yeah. Is there any stories of that happening? A lot of guys. A lot of guys have done that. A lot of guys, they started out friends, and then because they had to fight each other, like John Jones and Rashad Evans. That was a big story.

Like, Rashad Evans was like John Jones' bigger, older brother. And they were real close. And then when John fought for the title, he fought for the title because Rashad was injured. And Jon won the title. Jon stepped in on short notice, won the title, and then it became a possibility of one day Rashad fighting Jon for the title. And then they wound up getting super bitter about it

and not liking each other anymore. It was really interesting to watch. But that's just one example. There's a lot of guys who are close, close guys. They're buddies with each other anymore. It's really, really interesting to watch, but that's just one example. There's a lot of guys who are close, close guys. They're close. They're buddies with each other and they get in there and they beat the fuck out of each other.

Yeah. It's crazy. How do you not get close? It's like with comedians, you know, you talk about hanging out at the store. It's like, I can't talk like somebody was telling me about like,

he hates being called a legend. Who said that? I'm not going to say who. Is he a legend? Yeah. Oh, a legend? Yeah. Oh. Don Gavin? No, I mean, and the point was like...

You don't want to tell me? Well, I don't want to... Nobody else is going to know. Just tell me. It was Ron White. Oh. Oh, ha, ha. He's a legend.

He is. He's a legend. He's a legend. But I think he got an intro of being a legend the other night. He was saying to me, I fucking hate that because, you know, I'm in here scrapping like everybody else. You know, I'm in here scrapping like everybody else. You know, these lineups are kill. Like the lineup the other night was like, it was like D'Elia and you and him and Jessalynick and Spade.

And it's like on any given night, you don't want to be called the legend because that just immediately puts you on a shelf instead of in the fight. And so anyway, he said that to me. And the reason I want to say it is I can see somebody taking that out of context and going like, oh, you hate being called a legend. But it's like I can I've been called that by young comics. And it's like, don't call me a fucking legend because I first of all, I didn't earn it. And second of all, like, I'm still playing the game. I'm still on the roster here. Yeah. So to be.

But I was just thinking, like, you can't have that conversation with somebody who's not doing what we do. Because it would almost sound like you're full of yourself. And the same thing with fighters. It's probably things that they can only talk to each other about that they could never talk to straight people about. Because they just haven't been there. Oh, for sure. So how do you not get close to other fighters that you might have to fight one day? Especially when there's a lot of guys in the same weight in the same camp,

which is very beneficial. Because if you get a bunch of really good guys, like Team Alpha Male is a perfect example of that. There's all these guys that are around the 135 to 155-pound weight class, a bunch of really elite guys, and 125 even, but a lot of elite guys in the lower weight classes, and they all train together, but they never fight each other. Then they had a big falling out because T.J. Dillashaw won the title,

and then he left Team Alpha Male and went to Denver, and now they don't like each other. There's so much camaraderie and teams, and there's this weird sort of tribal bond that goes with teams, the teams that compete against other teams they're like gangs in a lot of way a lot of ways but you know they're not they're not criminals they're just a bunch of dudes that are bonded together and women too a lot of fucking serious hardcore women in the sport now like there's like amanda nunez the world champion

she's the first openly gay mma. She's a champion, rather. First openly gay MMA champion. And she's the women's 135-pound fighter. She's the one who's going to fight Ronda Rousey. Where is she from? She's from Brazil. She lives in Florida. She trains at American Top Team.

She's like the big camp. It's like there's a few big camps all throughout the world. But when it comes to elite-level MMA fighters, who's got the biggest amount of them? It's between Jacksons in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and Miami, American Top Team. They just have so many fucking elite fighters.

It must be tough for her to train with people if she's that good to find somebody who's a peer. She fucking fights with dudes. That's what she does. Spars with dudes, I'm sure. A lot of them do. Almost all women spar with dudes, at least somewhat. And most of the dudes, at least in high-level camps, are very respectful.

Like, they're not going to try to hurt a woman. The best people in the best camps now realize the damage that you take in sparring. It's like a frequent conversation now it's like to not spar hard like sparring should almost be like technical and playing and like very light so you're not damaging your body you're not taking unnecessary shots you're not kicking people to the leg well you kick them a little bit in the leg it's not bad but the problem is the head that's the real problem you know and even kicking them in the leg there's no no reason to kick someone full blast.

You kick the bag full blast. You don't need to kick a person full blast. And so these big teams, the more talent you get in one weight class, the more you get a bunch of sharks circling the same seal or whatever the fuck you would, whatever the analogy you would want. You get better, more competition. You get better interaction. As long as there's a good camaraderie between all the fighters.

But it's so hard to maintain. They almost always wind up getting mad at each other. Somebody fucking hit somebody after practice. You know, there's always some thing where they're going to have to fight some days. They talk shit to each other. Well, also, I mean, I'm sure you know a lot more about this than I do, but the people that will be drawn to a sport like this might be contentious people. They might be people that have pretty good-sized egos and are maybe confrontational, and so

those people aren't going to necessarily always interact that well with others. Quite a few of them, for sure. But you'd be amazed. It's one of the more fascinating things about MMA. You'd be amazed at how many college- very reasonable rational people just view it as the ultimate extreme challenge whether it be you know riding a fucking snowboard off the top of a mountain you get dropped off in a helicopter and you go down the side of a cliff it's those kind of people like those kind of extreme athlete people that might have gotten into bmx riding or might have

gotten into a lot of things that we don't think of as being like violent, aggressive. But they're ultra risk taking sports. And the reward that comes from doing like a flip when you're, you know, BMX jumping and you flip through the air and land on your feet. Like that's a I'm cheating death thing. And those same people, I think a lot of like elite ones are getting, they're getting interested in possibly competing in MMA and taking that risk and challenging themselves in that way. So you're seeing a lot of like very smart people, man. It's, and I think that at the highest level, you have to be smart. Like if you talk to a guy like John Jones, he

might make some poor decisions with his life because he parties a lot and he's kind of crazy, but he's very smart. When you talk to him and you look in his eyes, whether or not he has access to the same vocabulary as Christopher Hitchens did, no, maybe not, but he's a fucking genius in fighting. He knows how to figure people out. He knows how to fight under pressure as good as anybody alive. And when you talk to him, he's very engaging. He's not in any way stupid. He's a very smart guy. He has his interests and his focus, and if his focus and his interests were in intellectual pursuits, if that was really what stimulated him and made him want to follow through on

something like that, I'm sure he'd be really good in that, too. I think it's really easy for people to sort of discredit someone and someone's intellectual capacity just because they're a fighter. Oh no, I wasn't talking about intellect. I was just talking about in terms of alpha status that it is hard to put a bunch of alpha people near each other without a little bit of banging elbows. Yes, but my point is that less than you would think it would be. Much more camaraderie and much more social, very reasonable interaction, gentleman interaction

than you would imagine. There's much more of that. But the problem is a guy like Conor McGregor comes along and he talks mad shit and he lights the world on fire. And everybody wants to talk shit now. And I get it. I get it. I mean, it sells pay-per-view. It's good for the sport. It's fun to watch. They make more money if they talk shit, right? Dude, they just released this thing on, someone did it on how much Conor McGregor, he sold more pay-per-views in a year

than the entire roster combined. Wow. You compare all the other fights of like, I forget how it was done, but Brendan Schaub sent it to me. Did he send it to you, Jamie? No, but I saw it. I'll try to find it.

What kind of money are we talking about? I got it right here. I don't know what he gets paid. I don't know how much he gets per pay-per-view, but look at this. The entire roster drew $3.3 to $3.2 million in 2014. Conor McGregor drew double that on his own in 12 months. While GSP holds the record for the most pay-per-view buys in total, because he had a lot of pay-per-views more than Conor, Conor holds basically every other pay-per-view record.

McGregor has drawn an insane 6.85 million buys in just 15 months. Holy shit. Wow. He drew twice as many buys in one year than the entire UFC roster in 2014. Just his fights. So where's, what's he making? Well, that's a good question. Like, he was saying recently that he wouldn't fight unless it's, well, actually, Nate Diaz was saying that he wouldn't fight unless it's uh well actually nate diaz was saying that he wouldn't fight rather um who was his uh opponent in uh the last uh not this last fight which is uh eddie alvarez but the fight before that there was a rematch with nate nate beat him in the first

fight and then uh it was a real close fight in the second fight and connor won a decision and nate's saying that he won't fight unless he gets 20 million bucks and a lot of people say well that's too much he's not going to get paid that. I don't know how much money is there. Let's look at it this way. We're going to be 20 million in purse or in endorsements or in- Well, it's all going to be purse. And pay-per-view is separate than purse. Right. Well, no, no, no. Pay-per-view is based on purse or purse is based on pay-per-view. You get points or you get a piece of the action or you can get a guarantee. Right?

So if it's going to be a guarantee, like say if that's what he said, and obviously I'm not a mathematician. We know this, right? So if he said $20 million, that's what he wants to fight for. If pay-per-view is what, $60? How much does it cost? Let's say it's $60. And let's say they sell a million pay-per-views, which is an excellent number.

That's $60 million. Right? Yeah. Okay. and let's say they sell a million pay-per-views, which is an excellent number. That's $60 million, right? Yeah. Okay, so $60 million, he wants a third of that right off the top. And then you would got to think, well, if he's going to fight Conor, Conor's going to take a third of that too, right? At least. He's not going to take less than Nate. I'm talking about Conor.

What's that? Nate. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he's going to fight Conor. So if he's going to fight Conor, Conor's going to take probably even more than that, right? So it's 20 and what? 25? So there's less

for the UFC than those two guys? Well, that's how it is in boxing. That's how it is in if you look at the purses for a lot of boxing matches, the way they have it described is the big guys like Floyd Mayweather get a lion's share of the purse. And then everybody else gets less, including the promoters.

And then you've got ticket sales, which is probably just a couple million. Ticket sales are probably pretty substantial, depending on where it is. For 205, it was 17.7 million. So there you go. 17.7 million in Madison Square Garden, right? And then what about that giant Vegas place? The T-Mobile Arena in Vegas? That's a lot more people.

When that sells out, what is that? Wait, you're saying 1717 million for one fight? For one night. In ticket sales? Yeah, Madison Square Garden. Holy shit. Yeah. Then you got merchandise.

Right, but that's theirs, right? Because it's about the UFC, it's not about the fighter. Yeah. I don't think, I mean, maybe if the fighter's selling, if they're selling Conor McGregor merchandise, that's a different story. Yeah, then they should definitely get a giant chunk of that. I don't know how much they get.

And then this isn't including sponsorships. Well, there's no sponsors, right? The UFC has some sponsors in the octagon. I mean, they have some movie sponsors and stuff. But as for the fighters, there's really no sponsors that they carry into the octagon with them. The only sponsor is Reebok. And some people have a deal with Monster Energy Drink. Again.

Yeah, so you guys are putting hats on after they win. Not always in the UFC. Most likely in Bellator. Or unless they have a monster energy drink deal, which the UFC also has a deal with. But it's real weird. For the longest time, they did. They had it all over their shorts. They would wear whatever they want.

They would wear t-shirts coming into the octagon based on... But then they signed this deal with Reebok, and a lot of people are upset about it. They have to wear Reebok stuff now. Okay. It's a hot point. I'm sure. That's a lot of money. Yeah, it is for a lot of fighters. For a lot of fighters, it's like it was hundreds of thousands of dollars. So in terms of how much money is left then, how much does it cost to run a global organization like that? How much does it cost to keep the infrastructure alive? How much does it cost to upload everything to pay-per-view? How much does it cost to hire all these people? How much does it cost to upload everything to pay-per-view? How much does it cost to hire all these people? How much does

it cost to put that production together? Advertise. Right. So if it's only $60 million and then $15 million from, obviously I don't know, and it's got to be international shit too because they sell it internationally all over the world. I mean, the UFC's everywhere. So a big fight like Nate Diaz and Conor

McGregor doesn't just sell in the United States, It sells everywhere. I don't know if that's all included. I don't know how they work that shit out. But my point is when someone says he wants $20 million, that might make sense or that might not make sense. Like, I don't know what the numbers are. And also you got to pay taxes. Like if you're making all that money, if you're bringing in all that money, you got to pay taxes on that money. Who pays the taxes? Does the UFC pay the taxes first and then pay the fighters out of what's left do they all act as private contractors that's a good question but i don't know but as far as like how much money they're making i think for a guy like conor

mcgregor the correct answer would be a fuckload yeah he's making fuck loads of money what's that five fights a year he's not fighting fighting that often, but he's probably fought in the last 24 months. How many times has he fought in the last 24 months? He went on a crazy run, beat Aldo. He beat Dennis Seaver,

Aldo, and then the Nate Diaz fight, Eddie Alvarez. 2015, so one, two, three times in 2015, three times in 2016. Yeah, so that's about right. That's a lot of fighting, by the way. So $50 million a year. Every four months like that is very hard on your body.

Very hard on your body. Jesus. Hard to do. But some guys like Cowboy Cerrone, he lives off that. That's what he loves. Think about it if you break down the numbers, though. And granted, NFL or NBA has a lot more revenue coming in, but you're also paying. And NFL, you got, what, 44 guys on the team?

It's interesting that you say that. Trainers, all that fucking shit. You should look at the number. Put up the number of revenue, the amount of revenue that they bring in versus the UFC. It's hilarious. The NFL is like $375 billion versus the UFC, it's hilarious. The NFL is like $375 billion. The UFC is like $2 billion.

I mean, the difference is fucking preposterous. Find out there's a chart, like a graph that they can show you that somebody put together that shows you the NBA, the NFL, Major League Baseball, and MMA is like below hockey. And you know that porn used to beat all of them put together. NBA, NFL, all of it. CBS, NBC, and ABC as well. And all the major movies. All together dwarfed by porn.

And now it's gone. Now it's all gone. I mean, the AVN Awards, at its height, I hosted it when there was 7,000 people in the audience on Showtime. Now it's like 200 losers in a room with an open mic are hosting it. Yeah. It's over.

Whoa. I shouldn't say that. I don't want to disparage them. Let's just say it's smaller than it used to be. I just think they're doing awesome craft work now. Now they're doing it for the love of the art. I think so. And it's different. I mean, for me, it's all about Japanese hidden camera massage porn.

That's your shit? Yeah, because it's real. I got to see shit that's real. Casting couch, guarantee that a lot of that is real. That's what you like? You want to see real nerves? I want to see the girl a little bit nervous, a little confused. I want to see the transition in her eyes from I'm auditioning for a pajama commercial to I'm taking it hard on camera.

Yeah. I don't want to see two people that are, you know, too into it. I want to see somebody get taken for a ride. Somebody just get hoodwinked? Yeah, like the massage thing. They're getting a regular massage from a woman, and it's a good massage. You can tell that these are like practice masseuses. And then all of a sudden, they're on their stomach, and they get up in that ass crack a little bit,

and they get down in the valley, and you can see, and they've got a camera on the woman's face, and above, and below, and you can see, and they've got a camera on the woman's face and above and below and usually somewhere else, and they keep it on the face so you can see the eyes open and kind of look around, and I'm telling you, fucking Mia Farrow, who's a great actress, Jane Fonda couldn't portray the subtle... How about Faye Dunaway? Faye Dunaway could not portray the subtle nuances of coming around to being suddenly fingered by a masseuse.

Whoa. So you think it's real? I defy anybody. I will send you clips that are undeniable. I think you should take that and run with it. Just don't look to anything that points to the contrary. Right. Why would I?

Why would you? What is life? It's not empowering. Life is perception. It's not reality. It's not empowering to think that that's staged and you're just being tricked by some unenthusiastic people that need the money. No, you want to think that this is a real massage.

Absolutely real. A guy's fingering her. Completely. A woman's fingering her. Dick. Oh, woman. No, I don't watch those. You don't watch those?

Because that seems... Rapey? Rapey. But if Oh, woman. No, I don't watch those. You don't watch those? Because that seems... Rapey? Rapey. But if the guy's laying down, the girl just starts sucking his dick. Nah, that's rapey. What if he gets a massage from a girl? Yeah. What if the guy gets a massage from a girl and she just starts blowing him?

Well, she, you know, a woman is pleasuring another woman. Okay. I see what you're saying. Yeah. So you like it. Yeah. Because, yeah. I enjoy it.

I like to see everyone had a good day. Everybody had a good day. You know, the masseuse is getting paid handsomely. She knows she's on camera. Plus they're lesbians. I think most women are. They don't get a chance to explore it as much. Wow.

Strong words. Throw some hidden cameras in there. We see what really happens. I can't believe you're saying that. I believe that all women have the propensity for lesbianism because it's soft. They're being touched in a gentle way. Not the way I do it. I do my lesbian stuff.

Lesbian biker style. Yeah. That's my style. A lot of hardware. What style of fucking do you employ? I'm like a lesbian biker. That's my shit. I'm like, how a lesbian would fuck you if she was mad with a strap on?

Yeah. She's mad. Angry, boots on. You were flirting with a guy at the pizza font. So just fucking hell, you bitch. You were talking to the enemy. Yeah. She's got like a strap on with like a little dog collar with those little buttons, those little silver snaps.

It pops in place. Pop, pop. Yeah. Big green dick. That. Pop, pop. Yeah. Big green dick. That's what I think. Yeah. She probably heats it up in the water, just like that chicken cutlet trick I told you earlier. I can't wait to get home.

Honey, what do we have for dinner tonight? Greg Fitzsimmons, let's play some pool. Let's do it. Tell these people where to get your tickets one more time. Fitzdog.com. Also, check out the podcast, Fitzdog.com. Also check out the podcast Fitzdog Radio.

Numbers have been shooting up the last six months. I've doubled my downloads. That's beautiful. I don't know what the fuck happened.

Podcasting is super popular right now. It's getting big, man. It's giant. You're due to come back. Yeah, it's going to make Last time you came on was New Year's Day 2016.

Yeah, let's do it soon. Yeah. I'm around for a while. All right, I love it. Let's do it soon. Yeah, your podcast is awesome. Thanks. All right, I love it. Let's do it soon. Yeah, your podcast is awesome. Thanks, man. Is it still on Sirius as well?

I'm doing the show on Sirius Monday nights at 5 o'clock PST. And are those shows ever available online? Yes, they're on the app. They're on the Sirius app. Oh, the Sirius app. And then also they're letting me release the old Sirius episodes now on the podcast. Oh, good for them. I got Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys coming up, Norm MacDonald, a bunch of great ones.

Oh, that's so cool. I'm glad they do. That's a very powerful move by Sirius. Good for them. Congratulations, Sirius. Good company. That's a great company, man. That's how it should be done.

That's a very cool thing that they did. I've been there for eight years. I've never gotten one note about do this differently. I'm writing a fucking note right now. Stop talking about chicken cutlets. Greg Fitzsimmons. Are you at the store tonight? I'm not.

New Year's Eve at Cobb's. That's my next gig. Oh, beautiful. San Francisco. Fuck yeah. God damn, that's one of the great clubs. Yeah. That's one of the best.

That's a fun one. All right. Thanks, brother. Love you, man. Thanks, man. Bye, everybody. See you next week. No ads today.

Fuck it. No ads before or after. Onnit.com. Use the code word ROGAN. Bye!