The Joe Rogan Experience - #894 - #WhoIsFat - Day 1

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

Joe is joined by Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer for Day 1 weigh-in of their weight loss challenge.

I don't know, you don't look very fat to me. Wait, okay, hold on a second. If I had to describe you to someone, I wouldn't say that's a fat guy. That feels good. You would definitely say stocky. I wouldn't say you're fat either right now. I wouldn't say you're a fat guy. I know you're wearing layers right now.

I'm wearing a lot of layers. Because you're weighing in, so you're trying to dehydrate. Yeah. Because you kind of came in late to the game. Yeah. He sandbagged me. This motherfucker has been working out since August. And in November, he says, hey, let's do a weight loss challenge.

I'm at 240. I'm 256 at the time. I'm like, okay. Wait, that's a little bit of a Burt-ism, though. Burt's, I don't know if you know this, Burt's prone to exaggerate slightly. It's called hyperbole. Okay. He was 256 on Thanksgiving after a full binge.

That wasn't his walk around. It was a New York binge where I drank every day on Opie radio, drank every single night, and then came back. And then he weighed himself. Like I was a full binge. Ari said to me, he's like, there's no way you're 244. I got on because that's what Bunz was on November 11th. That's when my special on Showtime came out.

And that's when we weighed in. It was the day. I saw you the next day at the end of the World Podcast. Right. What did you think I was then? That's November 11th. That's when my special on Showtime came out, and that's when we weighed in. It was the day. I saw you the next day at the End of the World podcast. Right. What did you think I was then? That's November 8th, though. I didn't check. I was robust.

You were big. I was big. You had a gut. Now, what made you guys start this? Fucking Ari. But actually, Ari made the challenge, but I was thinking about the origin of Bird is Fat. It's you. You and your wife, when you get together,

are dicks. Hashtag your mom's house. Hashtag your mom's house. The name of the podcast is the thing you said to other kids when you didn't like them. Yeah, that's where I was, your mom's house. You wonder where this hate-filled fucking podcast

comes from. So wait, though, but this is where it came from. We were watching a movie. And do you remember a few years ago, the head of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was in this scandal? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In New York?

Yeah. Like a maid? He raped a maid? That's right. He was accused of raping the maid. It was eventually cleared. And it inspired a movie that I think was on HBO or Showtime. And we were watching it.

And they did it loosely or mostly based on that story, but it wasn't a biopic. And the guy that played DSK was Gerard Depardieu. And there's a scene where they have him get arrested and do the perp walk. And then they do the strip search at Rikers Island. get arrested and do the perp walk and then they do the strip search like at Rikers Island and he had this totally bloated distended like big booze body and we were like that looks like Bert but like but bigger like way bigger so then we talked about it on our podcast and then people started to Photoshop Bert onto your I did not get I was actually taking it as compliments cuz I

know he's very talented actor I was like I did not get, I was actually taking it as compliments because I know he's a very talented actor. I was like, I was like, oh, that's cool. By the way, this is all blindsiding me. This is happening in their little fucking world

where they're just, and then at the same time, I started a vlog. Remember when I did my vlog, Jamie? And I was, and I knew that one of the things that was popular on vlogs was weight loss.

So I was, like, watching my weight loss and I was losing weight, but I was always weighing in in a Speedo. And it was very self-deprecating. I was trying to make it, and I was losing weight, but I was always weighing in in a Speedo. And it was very self-deprecating. I was trying to make it funny.

These two are watching it at the exact same time and making fun of how fat I am. I'm oblivious to this. I'm oblivious to all of this. And then one day, Doug Benson and I get into a fight. I remember, I think everyone knows what I'm talking about here. Yeah, that was on his podcast, right? It was a live podcast, and it was very uncomfortable. And it was bad, and I think I spoke.

I called Tom. I went right to the bar after it. I was fucking worked up. I was like, I think I called him. I was drunk, and I go, he goes, hello. I go, hey, we need to talk. And he goes, I am so sorry. I go, for what?

And he goes, wait, what are you calling about? And I go, Doug and I had a blowout. He goes, oh, never mind then. I go, wait, what are you sorry about? And he's like, you haven't been online, have you? And I said, no. And he goes,

alright, let's talk about what you're upset about, and then after we're done, go online, and I just want you to know, Christina and I are very sorry and we'll make this stop. And so I go online. It is trending. I mean, it is. Bird is fat.

And by the way, and this is at the very beginning of it. And I have to be very clear and honest about all of this emotions because there are parts of this that are like trigger warning, but like it was funny as fucking shit and you couldn't get mad at it because it was all their best fans making hilarious fucking jokes. One guy had took the name burnt Chrysler and made his own fucking profile for it. And we made a website. He registered a website.

By the way, by the way, I saw him in Hartford. He's obese. He's obese. Enormous. And he just sat in the front row the whole time going, Bert's fat. Bert's fat. Next day his mom shows up. Hey buddy, your mom's morbidly obese. And the first word she says to me is, why are you so fat Bert? She is

five bills. And she said, why are you so fat Bert? And I'm like, oh my god, this is getting out of fucking control. So he heckled you? Not heckled. He was being funny. He's actually a cool guy. But people say it

as I hit the stage too. Yeah. Like as I walk on stage, half the audience goes, why is Bert fat? Like they yell it. Ari and I went, we're in Calgary

doing Stampede and when I got on stage, all they were yelling is, Bert's fat, Bert's fat, why are you so fat? And Ari's like, Ari said two things to me that night.

He's like, I've never seen that. And then at the end, I was like, I'm not telling the machine, and they started booing. And Artie's like, dude, you've got to tell the machine every fucking time. I was like, yeah, no shit. My career's gotten out of fucking control. I have no control. I'm fat, and I've got to tell the fucking machine. And so then, here's the crushing-

The machine story, if you don't know, is a crazy story. Go to the one that's on Facebook that went viral over the weekend. Yeah, 12 million views over the weekend. What is it? The machine story. The you don't know, it's a crazy story. Go to the one that's on Facebook that went viral over the weekend. Yeah, 12 million views over the weekend. What is it? The machine story. The one from the special. It got 12 million views over the weekend? On Facebook.

Holy shit. I was telling Tom, marketing companies were calling going like, hey, what was your secret? Yeah, how did you strategize this? Oh, God. I put up a good story. Gross fucks. And like 10 people that are popular online retweeted it. Yeah.

So go to it. What's really cool about a little sidebar from this, but what's really cool about this, which I think you'll get a kick out of Joe, is you guys heard me tell that story four years ago on this podcast. I think half the people, everyone liked it. Half the people thought it was a lie. You know, other people go, I don't give a fuck. Some people are like, I bet it is true.

The reason it went viral, I think, is that people in my class tagged in the comment section this story is 100% true and posted pictures of the entire trip all through the comment section so you can see what Igor looks like. You can see what Sasha looks like. You see us that night on a train

drunk as fuck with the two gangsters. All those are in the comment section and so everyone that's ever heard the story lost their shit. Like, dude, I got messages like one guy who said he was, I was cancer. And this is the best thing that's ever happened to him.

Terminal illness is so tough to deal with. Thank you so much. And I'm like, dude, but anyway, that's a sidebar to this story. Go to the Facebook, my Facebook page.

Anyway, one morning I wake up now I'm dealing with what is what Bill Burr is, does references, fat shaming and quote unquote, taking on water. And I am fat. And I wake up with panic Bill Burr does reference as fat shaming and, quote, unquote, taking on water. And I am fat. And I wake up with panic attack at 4 in the morning because I've been drinking. And I go on my wife's friend's Instagram.

And her mom passed away. Her mom hasn't been to hospice. You know this one. And I write, oh, my God, so sorry for your loss. We'll see you later today and then one of Tom's fans and my fan I guess writes in the next comment So sorry for your loss did Burt sit on your mom Next ones hey if you keep her cold he'll eat her Brutal like I mean, it's just brutal. And then this woman comes over our house.

She had lost her mom. Lost her mom in the middle of the fucking night. And her first words to me are, I'm sorry what's happening to you online. Dude, how about, do you remember when you went to the zoo with the girls? Holy! You want to talk about fucking bizarre. I actually FaceTime him. And I just, it's a random call in the middle of the day.

So he answers and he's in public. And I see him holding, he's like, hey man. And I go, what are you doing? So I'm here with the girls. We're talking about the Bird is Fat, Tom is Fat shirts. He's like, I'm going to make these shirts. I'll put them on my website. We'll split the profits.

Just whatever. Just, I'll just never, we'll just have them on site so we can split the profits. We can track them. And I'm like, cool, cool. And I see like his daughter walk by. So I'm like, oh, it's people that he that he's you know maybe his sister's there with him and then someone behind him was like bert's fat and i'm like uh-huh yeah like i figure it's like a friend's a friend's mother or something and then later he's like yeah not later it was right then it was right then it was right then i turned the phone around and i go i'm talking to tom

segura right now and she goes goes, oh, shut up. Hi, mommy. I'm a big fan, Jeans. Or whatever the fuck they say. But here's the other part that went crazy was after we, first of all, we had, I did a, I did press in Syracuse, I think. You know, when you do morning TV and they go, what do you want us to lead you with? And it's always like, you know, comics will be like, ask me about birds.

I got a great thing. You know, and like they want like a bit. So I was just like, ask me why bird crates are so fat. And thinking because most of the times they go like, well, I don't know about that. You know, they don't want to get racy. And the lady just goes, okay. So Christina Takamimi. Yeah. We're just in the middle. She goes, oh, I got to ask you something. And I lady just goes, okay. So like, so Christina Takamimi. Yeah.

We're just in the middle. She goes, Oh, I got to ask you something. And I go, what's that? She goes, why is Bert Chrysler so fat?

And she said it wrong. And by the way, Tom doesn't make a joke out of it. He goes, well, he's an alcoholic. And so we play that on the podcast and we go ask. The whole thing was ask Bert why he's so fat.

So why are you so fat? I thought that like 100 people would tweet it to him. Dude. I didn't know that they would destroy his Instagram, Facebook. Destroy. Destroy. To the point where I had to tell my daughters, you can't read this. Like, it's bad.

And I've never blocked anybody. But then Joey says this. There are these people out there that are fucking broken yeah and say really hateful things and you're like hey man i'm all about a good time yeah you can make fun of me all you fucking well i take it like i tweeted some guy today that i forget what he said oh he goes to be honest with you i think both of you guys are winners in this challenge congratulations by the way burt you're still fat and i just i was on the treadmill and i stumbled and i started laughing and went, there's ones like that that are out there that are fucking great.

There's some funny ones. And I also, I remember I called him when I thought it was too much. I go, I'll do a thing now where I say. And he was like, absolutely. You're not my fucking mother. Do not do that. Do not. Coming out of the front stoop going, he has asthma.

Stop picking on him. I was like, I'll take this on the fucking chin. But that's when we started to go competition. That's when Ari stepped in. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because you take this on the fucking chin. But that's when we started to go competition. No, that's when Ari stepped in. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because you know Ari has no fucking heart. Ari, who's in Kuala Lumpur right now.

Yeah. We don't know where he is, right? We don't know where he is. He's off the grid. He had this podcast, an amazing podcast with Henry Rollins. And Henry Rollins, once a year, gets on a plane. He talks to his travel agent. And he goes, where can we go?

And she's like, have you been to Burma? He's like, nope. So he flies to Burma and knows no one, brings a laptop and a notebook and some underwear, and just fucking wanders around. He gets a hotel room, and he just goes out in the street and just goes there during the day, and at night he writes. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Not impressed? I've traveled the fucking world. Let me tell you something. Everywhere is the same and at night he writes. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Not impressed? I've traveled the fucking world. Let me tell you something. Everywhere is the same. Beaches are beaches. Fucking hotel rooms are hotel rooms. Yeah, because you're hammered everywhere you go.

Yeah, but I also have an insightful- It's a blurry, fuzzy- I have an insightful fucking eye. And trust me, after a week, you're like, okay, this is getting old. Is there four seasons around here? I think Ari gets a thrill out of that. Yeah, but I mean, Henry Rollins legitimately enjoys it. If you listen to that podcast that he did, it's an amazing podcast.

Because he just talks about the people that he's met and all the experiences that he's had. You're right. Maybe Henry Rollins is a little deeper than I am. I am a guy that, like, I want to go to a bar and meet a bunch of people and hang out and have a good time. I'm not like sitting there going, oh, what is their spice here? It seems very dominant. Like, I'm not that guy. That ice cube weighs something.

Put it back. He's about to suck on that ice cube. He's been sucking on it. That's the only thing I've been doing. Let's get these fucking weigh-ins over. I'm fucking... We'll get to that. So what kind of timeline are we talking about that this all started?

So after the RE podcast, we challenged each other. Which was November 7th, I'm guessing, because I saw you on the 8th. So basically, that's this year, though. Yeah. Basically two months. So this is... Yeah. Yeah.

It's basically two months. So when did you start losing weight, though? You started losing weight way before that. August. August. And what made you decide? I think part of it was that we had been doing all the fat talk. Right.

When did the fat talk start? When did Hashtag Birds get started? Definitely in the summer. I remember listening to one of your podcasts. It had to be early then. It had to be like May or June. It was easily June.

May. May was Syracuse, yeah. Because I remember in July I was in Alabama and I was jogging and I was listening to you and push fucking destroy me. And I could not stop laughing

because it was, I think it was me talking on a podcast. It was you guys taking everything I do. By the way, the funniest thing that I have seen from this so far is that a lot of English as a second language teachers around the country have sent in videos where they're like in India, Japan, China. A lot. A lot.

Like an alarming amount of English as a second language. And they put a camera in the room and as they're teaching the kids, they teach them to say, Bert Kreisler is fat. We have tons of these videos where the kids are like, and also one lady was like, draws just a fat guy on a chalkboard. And she's like, this is Bert. And the kids go, this is Bert. And then she's like, he eats too much Bert and then she's like he eats too much and they're like he eats too much they go through the whole thing see he's got a teammate I'm doing this fucking solo mmm it's true it's true my wife my wife got involved she fucking hates this

weight loss thing does she Oh like I would say that I'm gonna be dead serious me Tom and push have to go to dinner and apologize to Lee why do you call her push because her last name's and when we, I would say that I'm going to be dead serious. Me, Tom, and Push have to go to dinner and apologize to Leanne. Why do you call her Push? Because her last name's Pazinski. And when we first met. He's always done that. I'm never good with Kristinas and Tinas and Kristans and all that. So you just call her Push? I just call her Push.

Calls her Push. I love it. That's a good name. They're one of my favorite, literally my favorite couple. If I was ever going to be like a side husband, I'd be in that couple. Okay. I don't know how to react to that. I don't think I would have had as much fun doing this with anybody else.

A lot of people didn't understand is that we're best friends. And so when I did the podcast with Bill and Tom, people started shitting on Tom. And I was like, no, no, no, you're blocked now. I can't. If you don't like me, if you don't like Joey Diaz, if you don't like Ari, if you don't like Joe, if you don't like Tom, I don't like you at all because you don't get me. Because these guys are my friends and they define my foundation of what I find funny and what I get. So, like, that was one of the things that got shitty about this is that you'd find people being like, fuck Tom Segura.

And you're like, no. You're always going to get that, right? Yeah. Some people got, like, they got the spirit of it wrong, I think, you know. And they were like, that guy's a fucking piece of shit. And you're like, whoa, dude. Like, what? We're like, we're doing a weight loss thing, man.

Like, what's your problem? Some of your fucking videos have been amazing. I love the video you do when you're playing Credence, Let the Midnight Special. That is a fucking great video. You're drinking a cup of coffee and then you get on that treadmill. And then the other one, when you're showing that you did five fucking hours and 20 minutes on the treadmill, you ran 22 fucking miles, burned off 3,000, how many calories? 3,000?

3,000, I think 300 calories. Today I did- That's the bet that I made, though. I knew that Burt would do this. He's crazy. He's crazy? This is my take on it. I knew that you were going to be

steady. I'm like, Tom's not going to slip up. He's not going to say, fuck it, I need a cheeseburger in the middle of the night. But, Burt might not eat for a month. You might go straight, what the fuck's his name? The Batman guy? What's his name? Christian Bale. Christian Bale when he was in The Machinist? Yeah, The Machinist. Oh my god.

That's the name of my tour. The Machinist. That's the name of my tour, everybody. Burt Kreischer, The Machinist. Oh, my God. That's the name of my tour. The Machinist. That's the name of my tour, everybody. Bert Kreischer is The Machinist. Dude, well, you said it to me one night. Like, you know, you go, stop drinking, stop drinking. And you go, Tommy's looks good, trust me. And then you're like, I don't know, man, you got that crazy thing.

I call it the Mickey Mantle gene. It's that guy that can go out, party all fucking night long, get up at 8, get on a field, and hit a fucking walk-off home run. It's that John Daly gene. That gene, that Babe Ruth gene who eats a hot dog and left field and then catches the fly ball. That's what I've always admired that in athletes and stars is those people who can go off tilt. Tiger Woods

when he's got the blown out knee in the bad back and he drains the 90-foot putt. That's what I like. I don't like the fucking Phil Mickelsons over here. Tommy's Phil Mickelson. Safe drive like the fucking Phil Mickelsons over here. Tommy's Phil Mickelson. Safe drive up the middle, 230 yards. Looks like he'll hit a five iron. I'm fucking going for the green every time.

There you go. Wow. And that's the way. But it's not healthy. I've had no joke. No joke. And anyone that's seen me on the road knows this. Less than 1,000 calories every single day. I've drank in only vodka sodas.

And I've run at least five miles a day. Every day? Every day, except for yesterday. I had 1,000 calories for dinner. But now, the night before weigh-in, right? We know we're weighing in tomorrow. Guess what he had for dinner? What?

Pulled pork, collard greens, and what? Black-eyed peas. Black-eyed peas. It's a tradition, man. Soul food. Every New Year's Eve, we do it. Sugar. The peas are for luck.

Sodium. The collard greens are for money. I've done it every year, and I've made more money every single year that I've eaten it. I'm not going to stop. Well, here's the other thing, too, man. Technically, I know going into this, I should lose this challenge. Why? Because I knew I was bigger, and I knew that he could, if he wanted to be disciplined,

I thought he would. But I was betting on that he wouldn't be disciplined. That's the bet. You were bigger when it first started? When it first started, I knew that physiologically too, I think I was at a little bit more of a disadvantage. What he's saying, Joe, is when he started fat shaming me, he was fatter than me. Maybe.

Here's something about that term. You've said that that term you think is a good term. I mean, I just said that personally, for me, fat shaming, like... Worked. Well, I just feel like that when somebody... It's more like just being honest. It's like not in denial. When somebody goes like, hey, man, you need to lose some weight. And someone's like, that's fat shaming.

I go, well, yeah, I think it's just someone being honest. I think that's a bullshit term. I really do. That fat shaming. I mean, it only works if you're fat. And if you're fat, you should lose weight. But that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

I have a weird push and pull with it because there was a period where I didn't like it. I didn't like it. I empathize with I'll just say Amy because she's the one that gets fat shamed the most. Her and Kesha are the two most fat shamed people in the country. One of the best rock stars ever. She's the best.

She's one of the best rock stars ever. What the fuck did you say? One of the best rock stars ever. Kesha Dayoung is one of the best rock stars ever? Well, she's more than a pop star. Get out of here. Who are you? Are we cancelled yet? Anywho. Is this over? Anywho. You've dehydrated your fucking brain

to the point where it's misfiring. Kesha is... Eat an ice cube. Eat an ice cube. I'm waiting for fucking weigh-ins. I'm gonna hydrate. It's gonna happen soon. It's gonna happen soon. So, Kesha and Amy are getting fat shamed, and I would read their comments because I was going through something similar. Not similar because I think most of mine weren't fun.

But, man, they say some mean shit to Amy and Kesha where you're just like, why say that? And then I'd get some of those and I'd go, hey, yeah, there is a point where, like, one morning you wake up and you're not in the best mood and you check your Instagram comments and you're like, oh, fuck. This is not the way I want to start my day. However, I will say, had it not been for the fat shaming, I wouldn't have lost. I'm going to guess I've probably lost 30 pounds. You do definitely look better and feel better, right? Dude, wait till I take off these layers. I look, I feel so much better.

I feel, dude, I jogged eight miles today. Like, I jogged, like that wasn't happening when I was 250. On Thanksgiving. Did you go outside? No, I'm on my treadmill. Everything's on my treadmill. I get in. I watch one of those Rock's workout videos.

I get inspired. The Rock? Dude, his workout videos are fucking awesome. Do you not follow him on Instagram? Oh, he's the best. Dude, when he hit me up. Does anyone remember this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The most beautiful day of my life. I post, I work out in the Rock shirt. I always have the Rock shirt on. Which one? The Bull? No, it's the- Under Armour shirt? No, they're not out yet.

They're coming out soon, and I'm getting all of them. Oh, Jesus. You have a- I have a man crush on the Rock. But also, a part of this thing is finding inspiration to work out. That Creedence Clearwater thing, that's real. That's what I do. I play that, and then you get on the the thing and you're like, fuck it.

Let's just start running. Let the midnight special shine a light on me. What was I going to just say? The Rock. Anyway, I would wear his shirt and I would do videos for The Rock to see. And in the process, I'd work out. I'd work out. Because I'd want The Rock to see them.

And then he saw one and he was like, I made a video where I made a line. I was like, you know, the i made a line i was like uh you know this is the best line as i go i today i'm doing two days for those of you who didn't play football in high school two days or for those of you who didn't get pussy back in high school two days of what us badasses did to put hair on our balls yeah and the rock loved it and he goes that two days line had me rolling and then he goes team burt i lost my shit yeah but then i called him i go you never got you never did two days and he goes, Team Burt. I lost my shit. But then I called him. I go, you never did two-a-days. And he goes, I know.

I played baseball. It's been the fucking funnest. Have you guys seen Andrew Santino's bit about The Rock? No. No, that's who it is. I was trying to tell somebody that I heard about somebody who has an awesome bit. It's fucking hilarious. Really?

It's hilarious. I want to see it now. I don't want to say any of it. Andrew Santino came up on my podcast last week, oddly enough. He's got red hair? Yes. Yeah. Funny dude. I want to see that bit. I got Joey on my podcast tonight. Good luck staying sober. Weigh-ins are going to be tough tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. He's a star. Death son. He was on the podcast yesterday. We did a UFC fight recap with Joey. He's the best. He's the best. He was at my house for fucking Christmas Eve. Was he really? Destroying my dad. Did you see the video I put it on? Did he give your dad an edible? He says he did. It's undisclosed because

my dad passed out hard as fuck and Joey just walked out and goes, I dosed Mr. K and left. Did he do it before though? Didn't he give him some popcorn before? Yeah, he gave him popcorn one time. The best though is that video is so funny of of christmas day with joey and and mr kreischer

smoking and laughing and trying to stop laughing he's like turning people like like he's just laughing so fucking hard i robbed this fucking puerto rican and my dad's a lawyer my dad's going joey joey my dad loves joey i literally i called joey like day before christmas eve i was like you're coming over right and he's like this is what i love about joey it's no fucking bullshit he goes what time five o'clock see you then cocksucker click and and his daughter is like the perfect age for my daughters to feel like they're doing something good so they chase her around the whole time horrible but you guys are horrible. But you guys are, like, real close to each other, right? Yeah, when we started getting broken in by homeless people. Play this.

We had a German shepherd up there. Real. His name was Killer. That was his fucking name, Killer. Nice little fire pit, dude. And one day, Killer was fucking around with ham and food. And I'm a kid. I don't know what the fuck.

He's throwing ham up in the air. I pick up the ham and that motherfucker... What were you going to do? Throw it over the air. You were saying... You just said homeless people broke in your house? Yeah, yeah. He took a chunk out of my face.

That was number one. And about a month or two later, I went to the 48th Street. I drove away. I got my godfather's house. I would go there during the week when I had no school and play with the kids. She had a nice neighborhood.

The kids were fucking crazy. This is what Joey does every Christmas Eve. I got a bunch of Gentiles. Holds court. He holds court. Yeah. Yeah, you told me that story, that someone was walking down your driveway. Yeah.

Some homeless person. We had two experiences. Because of the construction? Because of the construction. Yeah. Yeah, you told me that story, that someone was walking down your driveway. Yeah. Some homeless person. We had two experiences. Because of the construction? Because of the construction. And Joey's the kind of guy, and this is just, the thing he doesn't say, the thing is just, dog, I drive by your house every night at home. I drive by just to make sure everything's okay. Every fucking night when he's coming home from the store, just drives by my house.

He's a great guy, man. He's the fucking greatest, man. He really is. He's a great guy. Should we weigh in? Let's weigh in. Let's do the stakes first. Let's do the stakes. Now you started out at what weight? What weight before, before you started, you started in August, right? Yeah.

What were you at your heaviest? 267. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. You were closing in on three. Yeah. Holy shit. You were 267? Yeah. Wow. How'd you feel? Um, not good, man. I mean, I didn't, I can't say that like I woke up and like, oh, I feel like, but I man. I mean, I didn't, I can't say that I woke up and like, oh, I feel it. But I was, you know, I was still, here's the thing. At my heaviest, I would still lift weights a couple of times a week. I still would. I would still do squats, still do power cleans. But I was just eating recklessly, like whatever I wanted.

I went to dinner at his house. I went to dinner at his house, me and Leanne. It was at their old house. Yeah. And it was right after they had the baby. And Tom cooked us each a steak, like a full ribeye. And then we each got like nine shrimps.

And then we each got a slab of potatoes. And then we got a whole stack of greens. And we didn't eat it all and Tom ate it all. And he was like, you didn't like yours? And we're like, no, it's a meal for like three people. Yeah, I would eat like that every day. Wow. I mean, that's how you get to 67. I just felt like that every day. You know? Wow. I mean, that's how you get to 67.

So I just felt like, you know, and then honestly like clothes too. It's so something you don't think about, but you'd be like, Oh, I want to get this shirt. And you put it on.

You're like, do you have a bigger shirt? And they're like, we don't make bigger than that. That's the biggest. And I was like, fuck man. You go to Gap and you're like,

do you guys have forties? And they're like, we don't make forties. And you're like, Oh, so I got to shop at a different store now. Yeah now yeah like i this is something i think that has been at the base of every this is i also did a showtime special shirtless during this entire fat shaming campaign which did not help but you do every show shirtless but part of the you know not to like to

to deflect or whatever part of the reason i started doing a shirtless is i didn't look good in collared shirts and like I couldn't wear a t-shirt and so I just I just came on stage and ripped my shirt off and I was a little fat. I was like 250, 260

and people just thought it was funny and I just leave it off and I didn't give a fuck and then when like this weekend I took my shirt off and I'm not skinny

by any stretch of the means but I'm not 260 anymore, 250 and it did not it just was flat lined and I was like okay looks like the shirt's going back on from now on. Yeah. The machinist is wearing shirts.

The machinist is going to wear a shirt. The machinist is the new Bert. So wait, so 267, and then on our challenge day, I would say I was 245, right? So, wow. So you had already dropped. Like 20 pounds. And what did you start at? On our challenge day, I just said I was 245, thinking that it wouldn't turn into a bet.

No, you said 240. I said 240. Look at this. The machinist. But when I got home, the day after, when I got home- You called me, you go, I was actually 250. I was 250 the day when I started, and then I was 256 when I started the diet. The day I started the diet was Thanksgiving, 256.

And that's the highest I weighed in ever that I saw myself on a scale is 256. And so the goal weight was around like 225? 227. 227. 227 meant the deal was this. Whoever is the lowest weight win is technically the winner. But if we're both 227 or under, then the burden of paying for things is supposed to go to Ari. Oh, so if you...

Ooh, I like that. Yeah. So does Ari pay for both trips? Yes. Well, no, no. We pick one trip. We pick one trip, but Ari pays for the tickets to the trip. So, but how do you choose a trip?

Because if you win, you're going to Super Bowl. Well, oddly enough, I'm in Europe when Tom's talking about that game, so I'd go to that game in a heartbeat. Oh, really? Explain that. If you win, you're going to. If I won, I wanted him to take me to Barcelona's playing Paris Saint-Germain round of 16 European Cup game.

So we would go to Paris. And you told me initially that you wanted to go to Super Bowl, so I thought it was a good idea. Yeah, I'd go to Paris, because I'm going to be in London. What, filming? No, no, just taking the girls. Oh, awesome. I make a lot of money, so.

I can't say that to either of you two. You cocksucker. So Ari will pay for that? He'll fly you guys to Paris? I'm going to already be there. I just need the ticket. Yeah, ticket to the game. You shouldn't tell him that.

I need the flight. Yeah, you need the flight. Now, the thing is, will he meet us? Meals, too. I say meals. Because he's off the grid. Is he going to come meet us? Yeah, why not?

He won't even know. How are you going to get in touch with him? I don't know. He probably doesn't have a phone anymore. But it's based on our BMI. So when we gave him our original BMI versus our height, it was we were obese. And he said, I bet you can't get into just simply overweight. And simply overweight, the threshold is 227.

So if we got under 227, both of us, but if one of us today does not get under 227, then that person has to pay for the trip. How does that work, that body mass index? Because you were checking your body fat, or is this just a height to weight thing? Yeah, it's height to weight, and it's super outdated. And they actually updated, there's a

newer version called the Smart BMI, which took into account also the fact that more people are just even bigger. Like you're obese. I guarantee you you're obese. By the old BMI. Yeah, I'm overweight by the BMI. But by the Smart BMI? But that's because somewhere in my background, someone fucked a monkey. Yeah, yeah.

Someone. Someone in my great-grandpa's day. Someone fucked a gorilla. Something happened. Something was wrong. And so that became the bet. And if we could get into just being overweight, which I think personally looking at him and looking at, and feeling, knowing me, I did not weigh in today because I was scared.

But I think- You feel like you're there. I think I'm there. I think I was there before. I know I was there before yesterday morning. And then I worked out pretty hard last night and this morning, but I didn't want to get on the scale because I didn't want to come in let down if I wasn't.

Okay, so first of all, let's do rock, paper, scissors, see who goes first. Okay. So you two. Okay, ready? Yeah. One, two, three. What are you doing? I didn't know what you were doing.

Let me do it. I'll do the count. I'll do the count. You guys get your hands up. Ready? One, two, three. Gotcha. Okay.

Bert won that one. One, two, three. Okay. Ready? One, two, three. Gotcha. Okay. Bert won that one. One, two, three. Okay. Even. One, two, three. Gotcha. Okay. Bert wins.

So would you like to go first or would you like Tom to go first? I'd like to weigh in first. Okay. I'm so fucking thirsty. So we're going to move over to Tom's microphone over there. Excuse me. Do you have a wide shot? Yeah, we can get the whole room. We're going to use that camera over there. Do you have a wide shot? Yeah, we can get the whole room.

We're going to use that camera up there. So we'll be using that camera up here. I'm thirsty. Here we go. Am I in the shot? Are we doing this on carpet? Take your clothes off, first of all. You definitely want to take your clothes off.

Do we calibrate this? Well, I know it works. Hold on. I know, but let's make sure we know if it's exactly right, because it may not be like my scale at home I'm always around 200 pounds 201 so I'm 201 with my clothes on which is like 199 he's got a rubber suit on the whole deal oh okay can you see it a lot of layers on dude the lights up a little okay so so for folks that are just listening here. We're in the studio here and Jamie is setting up the camera for YouTube So that it will point directly down the scale Burt is looking considerably slimmer

Considerably slimmer he's got multiple on, and now he's down to underwear, which are probably wet. He took the first layer of underwear off. Socks. Drum roll, ladies and gentlemen. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam. He's drying himself off like a wrestling tournament.

Jesus Christ. Okay, here we go. Below 227, everybody. Here we go below 227 everybody here we go Bert Chrysler call it out Joe 221 holy shit holy shit oh no but it's right I checked my own but it's right. I checked my own weight. It's right. This is what I use at home, too. But we can check. That was 221.6, right? 35? Yeah, 34.6.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. 221, Tommy. 221, ladies and gentlemen. 221, Tommy. Holy shit. Tommy, now my prediction. Holy shit.

Now, Joe, my prediction was Tommy wasn't going to take his shirt off for weigh-ins. Oh, I will. I will. He's got to now. That shirt is precious ounces. 221. My man went hard. Fuck, yes.

Dude, he's taking his watch off. Oh, I have my watch on. That's probably at least a few ounces. That's a good watch. It's a beautiful watch, by the way. I'm going to make a drink. Oh, he's going to drink while it's going on. Oh, my goodness.

This is chaos. Here we go. Tommy looking very slim, too. Here we while it's going on. Oh my goodness. This is this is chaos here We go Tommy looking very slim too here. We go ladies and gentlemen Holy shit Wow first of all, congratulations to the both of you. That is, that's gigantic! I'm so thirsty.

It's ridiculous. We got some coconut water if you want to get some electrolytes in you. Holy shit! You guys want a coconut water? No, no, I'm good. God, you want a coconut water? Are there calories in this? Uh, no, not at all. It's stevia It's called Zevia. It's like a soda. Holy shit

Wow, so those extra pounds like whatever, you know, you didn't drink water that all made up for it God, so we got this all again together tomorrow of weight One victory well here mmm, man, let's sit down. Let's sit down. Okay's a good question. Well, first of all, we have one victory. Well, here. Hmm, man. Let's sit down. Let's sit down. Okay, we got this out of the way.

Oh, my God. I'm so thirsty. Wow. Very impressive. Tommy, you went from two, you say 267? Yeah. 267 down to 219. Holy shit, that's amazing.

You could see it in your face, too. Jesus. You know, that video that I took a still of it and I put it up on Instagram today. Yeah. But that one video, I was looking at your face. I'm like, Jesus, you look so fucking healthy. Thanks, man. He's busted open his food.

What do you got there? Some chicken. Little pieces of dried chicken and fucking broccoli and stuff. I just can't eat today. I'm just going to have fluids today and then fucking go to Burke Williams and sweat it out. Now, are you thinking, Burt, about that pulled pork and black eyed peas and all that jazz you ate and you think that might have fucked you? I don't know. I think I'm fucking shocked I'm 221 to be dead honest with you.

That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. It's amazing. You both look great. You really do. Your faces. You look like two different people. I know.

It is weird. When I saw him, we were at All Things Comedy the other day, and I walked up behind him, and I didn't recognize him. Wow. I go, you went from the little cuddly, chubby friend I have where we giggle to this dude who looks like he videotapes himself fucking. But you guys are like, you're like real close to getting down to 200 pounds. Dude, considering I did this in like 30 days, yeah.

You both could be 200 pounds. Yeah. Well, the thing is, you know, I don't want to, like, I haven't changed my lifestyle at all, technically. Like, I've changed the way I eat. I eat so fucking clean right now. Like, literally, except for last night. I've only had lean proteins and greens for every meal. I do big fucking, the Hulk cum shakes.

Yeah, Hulk loads. I call it Hulk cum. I do those shakes, shakes like once a day. And I'm under 1,000 calories. My wife, what's upsetting her is she's like, how do we transition this into a healthy lifestyle? Which is fine. I think once you get. She's right.

Yeah. And it's like, I can't continue this. No. Like I had to push back a cardiologist appointment. I was like, I don't want them to see me like this. Like I'll wait until I get healthy again. Yeah. Yeah.

This is not entirely healthy to just drain yourself and dehydrate yourself. You're drinking so much water. You're like a dog that just got back from the park. You know what's crazy? I understand. I watched Chris Cyborg's weight loss thing. Did you see that?

Yeah, it's horrible. And I watched it and I thought, if I can have half that intensity, that whole time, I watched it at the very And I watched it, and I thought, if I can have half that intensity. That whole time. I watched it at the very beginning of the weight loss. I said, if I can have half her intensity in that moment. What did she do? Oh, dude.

She's crying. It's awful. To make weight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And her body's apparently really fucked up from it. She just pissed hot for some sort of a... Well, it's really difficult to say exactly what's going on, because what she took was something called spironolactane,

which is illegal in USADA. You're not allowed to take it. But her doctor, she says, told her she could take it out of competition. She passed on a bunch of title fights, though, and the UFC was concerned, so they tested her. And apparently people take that. It's a diuretic. And what she was saying was that her body's all fucked up and hanging on to water now.

And then she's taking this just to try to level herself out because draining herself down to 140 was so bad for her that her whole system's all fucked up. The controversy is, though, that that same drug is also taken by people who are women who do steroids to mimic to minimize the effects of testosterone okay so we don't really know i mean it's their word it's who knows who knows but it's amazing what you watch what you watch when you're when you're focusing on getting in shape the other thing i watch is this guy rich froning do you know who that is oh yeah crossfit champ yeahFit champ. Yeah. Dude, he is like He's a savage. He's a borderline sociopath. Like, the way he focuses on working out, it's just like, he's almost dead inside.

There's no enjoyment to it. It's almost like an obsession. So I started looking at it like that. Like, it's, don't, like, don't enjoy jogging. Just make it an obsession. Like, my thing was, I get on the treadmill and I go, just one more mile. Just do one more mile. You do, everyone would do one more mile. Like, this morning, I was like, I was like, maybe if you're on this mile at a seven, maybe that'll make

the difference today. And I just would get obsessive about it. You want an alpha brain? Want some alpha brain water? I can't. If I have some little things in my body, if I touch that, I'd fucking explode. I'm going to go ice skating tonight. Oh, yeah?

With my daughters. For a little exercise? I'm looking at it that way. I'm going to look at it as fun. I look at it as burning calories. Wow. Now, how are we going to do this in terms of tomorrow? Because you guys are real close.

Yeah. So you are 219. Yeah. You're 221. We're only talking about a couple of pounds. So those couple of pounds, what if one of you loses more than that tomorrow? But what if Bert gets down to, 206 tomorrow or something ridiculous? I don't know.

What do we do? That's a good question. Do we average out the two weights? Well, if we average out the two weights, it's whoever loses the most overall. Or is it because otherwise we're just going to have a draw or a victory, right? Like, if you win again tomorrow, it's easy, right? Because you won today. Yeah.

But if Burt wins tomorrow, but what if he wins tomorrow by the exact same amount? Are you talking about like total weight loss or just whoever's lighter? We're just saying though, like what if tomorrow we come in and you weigh two pounds less than me? Tomorrow. Right, but then like we each won one day. So you were 221, you were 219, correct? Yeah. Okay, so we're really only dealing with two pounds.

Yeah. That's so negligible. I mean, that's a few of these. Yeah. I mean, you could suck that out of your body. Yeah. That can be done. So the question is, what if tomorrow Burt wins wins But he only wins by Half a pound

Right Do you win So I have to win by Three pounds Well that's what I'm Trying to We're trying to figure out Like how can you

I might as well Shave my beard right now So I can get the Regrowth started already Wow this is It gets kind of dangerous Yeah Because you guys

Are going to You guys are going to Hit that That freakish Are you guys taking anything? Taking any diuretics or anything? No, I haven't even started yet. I would recommend it.

That's what I would say. I was your friend. Diuretics? I would say. Do they have them at the CVS? Oh, yeah. Really? What happens?

Shit your brains out. Piss like a fucking racehorse. I haven't shit in like three days. Why am I taking any calories in? piss like a fucking racehorse i haven't shit in like three days i'm not taking any calories in um man this is uh this is where it gets squirrely because you guys are on the wire i mean clearly tom won but he only won by two pounds yeah it's the wire you guys i can't believe that because i thought you'd win i thought i thought i'd weigh 227 yeah that's the thing he comes in he's like i think i'm 227 i was like oh jesus okay 221 that's marathons run comes in. He's like, I think I'm 227. I was like, oh, Jesus. Okay.

221. That's marathons. Running marathons. Wow. Yeah. You've been literally doing marathons. Yeah. I don't do them all at once.

I break it up during the day. So I get up at like six, have a cup of coffee, walk at like a 3.5, walk a mile in like 17 minutes and then sit down at the computer, see if I'm trending and see what, see if my Facebook, how many views are on my Facebook video and then get back on. And then I'll run, I'll run like two miles, then go fuck around with the girls. Come back, get on. That's the way I do it. I break it up. So like right now I got eight miles on the treadmill.

I'll do a podcast with Joey tonight. Get back on the treadmill, bang out another eight and I was 16 miles today. Wow. I know you walked in running combination. A mix. A mix. What I like to do, my favorite thing to do is I walk 100 yards on the treadmill, and then I run 300 yards.

So, like, I'll run at, like, 7.5 over half of the lap around the circle. So the other day when you posted that video and it was five hours, was that broken up? Through the day, starting at 6 a.m., ending at, like, probably 9 at night. Like, yesterday I ran three miles first thing in the day, starting at 6 a.m., ending at probably 9 at night. Like yesterday, I ran three miles first thing in the morning, then went to the Rams game, put on two pulled porks on the big green egg, went to the Rams game, it cooked at 300 degrees perfectly for five hours. Thank you, Eric Grusin.

When you put it on the big green egg, how do you keep the temperature stable for that long? You regulate it with the pipe up top and the bottom, and you just fill it with charcoals, and once you get it to like 225, if you got it regulated, it's not going to go much higher because it's not getting much air in. And then slowly the charcoals will burn, and then it just cooks. You don't open it, it just cooks. But if you open

it all the way, it's going to get way hot. It gets way, like 700 degrees. Yeah, I got one of those. I have a Kamado, but it's basically the same thing. Yeah. Have you ever tried it with one of those pellet grills, though? I got, I wish I remember his name right now. Green Mountain? it's basically the same thing. Yeah. Have you ever tried it with one of those pellet grills, though? I got, I wish I remember his name right now. Green Mountain? Green Mountain Grill?

What's his name? Brett. Brett. Brett. Yeah. I love my Green Mountain Grill. I just got a new pellet. That thing's fucking better than anything.

You put it in there, and you're like, 225, five hours, perfect. Yeah, it stays at that temperature. What kind of grill is it? It's a pellet grill. What they do is they take, you know when you go, God, the fuck's wrong with my voice today? You know how you go to a lumber yard and they cut up hardwood?

The sawdust from the hardwood, they take that stuff and they compress it. And the natural sugars in the wood allows them to compress it down to what looks like, it looks like cereal or kitty litter or something, like little tiny cylinders, little small cylinders. And they take that, and you pour it into this hopper. So it's this large bin.

And then there's a worm drive at the bottom that slowly turns this stuff into a heating element. And the heating element is inside the chamber of this big steel box. And the heating element, there it is. You see it there. Those are the pellets. So those are hardwood pellets. There's glue in them there's no nothing it's just the natural sugars from the wood and when you use the the machine when you close that lid now you get to see it there um you could regulate the temperature and it keeps it exactly at that temperature as long and that

that popper that'll last for for fucking 10, 12 hours. Really? Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah, they're incredible. And how hot can it go? Full 600? Well, I have one that's a yoder.

It's a really good one. It's made out of cast iron. It's real fucking heavy. Yoder makes these amazing smokers. And mine has a direct heating option where you take out that big diffusion plate and you put in these grill grates. And it has direct fire that goes right underneath the grill grates. I see your steaks on it. And I cook elk on it all the time. It's the best.

It's amazing. It really is. And you get that smoky flavor to it, too, because it's cooking with fire. It's wood and fire. So it's got a beautiful flavor to the food. What I do sometimes, my daughters don't like smoked food, is I'll wrap some ribs up in tinfoil and put them in there and they

still cook. Like an oven. Yeah, it's an oven. It still cooks at 225 and then you smoke two other racks. Dude, it's fucking amazing. Yeah, it's like you're cooking with an oven but it's all fire. Yeah. And instead of gas heat cooking with an oven, but it's all fire. Yeah. Instead of gas heat or whatever the hell, electrocute. I love it, man.

So why'd you use the Green Mountain Grill instead of the, or why'd you use the Big Green Egg instead of the Green Mountain Grill? I wanted to see if I could use it. I just got it. My dad got it for me for Christmas. Because I like the ritual of cooking. I like the ritual of starting up I like the ritual of like starting up charcoal and you know and then getting it

into it and then so so yesterday I ran three miles threw a put on these two Boston butts

bone in Boston butts and then closed it and then I was it's made things fun I'm sitting at the fucking Rams game going going like

I wonder if the grill's too hot like shit did I fuck it's like makes it it's like betting on a game by the way went to the Rams game yesterday I told Tommy with a jersey going like, I wonder if the grill's too hot. Like, shit, did I fuck it? It's like betting on a game. By the way, went to the Rams game yesterday, I told Tommy, with a jersey that had the machine written on the back of it.

Oh, God. I've never been recognized more in my fucking life. I mean, dudes were coming down to my seat going, hey, can I get a picture with you? Because it just says on the back of my shirt. It was a gift from my management company and it's a Rams jersey and I was like I'll fucking wear it as soon as I walked in the stadium

big dude goes the machine and then I turn around and he goes oh shit it's the machine and I was like he just thought it was a dude with the machine on the back so he's like the machine and I turn around and he's like my daughters are like dad fucking stop it yeah that must be embarrassing for the kids.

Have you ever thought about getting one of them offset smokers where you throw logs in there? Like those old school Texas style ones? Yeah. Yeah, me too. Put it in the back corner by the chickens and just have like, I mean, like a big oil can. And they just open up. I love one of those. Yeah, those seem, like that's the real ritual, right. Yeah. They just open up. I love one of those. Yeah.

That's the real ritual, right? Yeah. I had a barrel grill where you have to take off the grates while you're cooking to keep adding coal and wood chips to it. Oh, old school. Old school, yeah. Yeah. There's something about that. Do women appreciate that?

Is that a male thing i think i like working with fire yeah so yeah i don't know you don't see a whole lot of women no not a lot i'm sure that there definitely are i'm sure but it's not like they can't do it but i don't see a lot what the hell is that like what women like to cook yeah but men want to cook outside yeah over fire yeah i think it's I think it's primal. Yeah. Like, dude, I cooked up, you gave me that elk last time. I got more if you want. Yeah, I do.

Save it for tomorrow, though. I'd cook it up and I'd, oh, I'm getting pizzas delivered here tomorrow. Are you? Fuck, yeah. We're getting fucked up tomorrow. After weigh-ins, if I don't have a beard, I will be drinking vodka and I'll be making him drink vodka. Should we bring a razor?

We should. Yeah. Where the fuck's Dollar Shave Club when you need them? They're one of my sponsors. I'll bring a razor. I want it. But you're going to need an electric one. I'll bring it.

Why are you looking at me? Well, you lost today. I'll bring a razor. I got clippers. You can shave me, but we're using my clippers. Okay. Why am I already giving up? By the way, I'll shave you.

Okay. But we have to figure out how you can win. I thought he's just a person that is the lowest. Well, he won today. It's a two-day weigh-in. So he won today. So if you get lower tomorrow, you would have to get lower than two pounds lower. Holy shit.

Because it has to be a victory overall, right? I mean, don't you agree? I don't know. We should let people weigh in on Twitter. Don't do that. No, don't do that. You can't. You tell them the rules.

There's too many people on Prozac in the basement with their dick in their hand, typing with one hand. They're not paying attention. Call Ari. Ari just texted me. What did he say? Good luck on the weigh-ins. I hope you're not fatter. Too late.

Yeah, I was going to say, at this point, he's already paying for stuff. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm not gaining eight pounds tomorrow. Yeah. Right now he's trying to figure out how to unflip his phone. Yeah. Oh.

He's still committed to that flip phone. I can't believe it. It's a flip phone and mumbling He sent me I know he talks He's got a mouth full of fucking shoelaces Ari Hey

How high is he right now? Ari That's his outgoing Where are you? He's in the middle of talking to someone else and he answers the phone. Don't hang up. No, no, no. He'll get to you eventually.

You've got to understand Ari. I can't believe this human we're friends with. Hold on. I'll do it there. Ridiculous. Silly. He's the best, though. I just love what he's done.

Very few people get wealthy. I've known Ari since he was a doorman at the fucking store yeah and he was an open micer when we became friends and when he became famous one of the first things that fucking guy did was abandon all fucks yeah he doesn't have any none to give he's got zero yeah i mean zero it's pretty awesome can you hear me He's got zero. I mean, zero. It's pretty awesome. Can you hear me? Is he in an airplane?

Ari! He'll get to this. Hold on. Is that his outgoing voicemail? No. No, no, no. It sounded the same. He answered the phone.

Not totally. No? Oh, he's in the middle of a podcast. He's in the middle of, it sounds like Legion of Skanks. Legion of Skanks podcast. Hey, Ari, can you hear me? Ari, do you hear me? What's the feeling? Are you going to get your money back?

Yeah. What's the feeling? You get some back. You get some back. What's the feeling? Ari, Lewis is stealing. But he's answering the phone, which is weird. This might be...

An outgoing message. Yeah. Let's call him again. Let's see if it's his outgoing message Which is hilarious He just texted me What'd he say? Fuck yourself?

Good luck today I've been hoping you win since day one That's the same message he sent to Tom Yeah it is What a dick That's hilarious What a dick Let's see if it's the same exact message.

Because if it is, then how funny would that be if that's his outgoing message? It's terrible. I came in the middle of a conversation just to confuse people. People used to do that, remember? Yeah. What's that? I still fall for those. Hey, man, give me one second.

Yeah. Let me get the... Please leave your message. That's not his outgoing message. Fuck him. Let's keep calling him. Fluids never tasted better in my entire fucking life. I don't know how these professional fighters do it. They get paid.

Oh, yeah. And they're savages. Yeah. Yeah. It's not easy, man. Register God's voice. Hello? Hey? Oh, yeah. And they're savages? Yeah. Yeah. It's not easy, man. Register God's voice. Hello? Hey, you're alive. So,

Burt Kreischer, 221, Tom Segura, 219. Wow. Yeah, we're on the air right now. Tina, 221? 221. Like a fucking gangster, and then Tom gets 221. 221, like a fucking gangster. And then Tom gets on it.

219. Wait, are they below obese? They're both below obese, so you have to pay for their trip, you fuck. How do you feel about that? Yeah, no way, yeah. You got to measure their heights. You need a big scale to measure their heights. No, no, no, it's my scale. It's my scale, and we put weights on it.

You need their heights. You need their heights. Their heights. We, no. It's my scale. It's my scale and we put weights on it. You need the heights. You need the heights. They're heights. We're both 6'1". They're both 6'1". He says he's 6'1". He's only 5'10". We're the same height. No, he's not. He's 6'1". He was elevated. Wow, his yarmulke's coming out.

He's like you're wearing elevators. The Jew in you is trying to save some money here. The Jew in you is trying to save some money here. Bert has been in the process, spoken vocally about him not being 6'1". Stand up. Stand up, please, Tommy. Tommy, stand up. Okay, they're going to stand up. They're both of them.

Bert, they both have no pants on, by the way. Bert looks a little taller. Maybe a half an inch taller. Well, I don't know. Yeah. I would say, but it's hard because your hair is a little flattened up and Tom looks a little taller. Maybe a half an inch taller. Well, I don't know. Yeah, I would say, but it's hard because your hair is a little flattened up and Tom's a little thinner on top. Flatten that out. Flatten the hair down.

One more time, please. Stand up. Go back to back. Let's take a look at this here. Yeah, listen, the difference in height is maybe a half an inch. Maybe a half an inch. Burt might be a half inch taller. And Burt, how tall are you?

I'm 6'1". He's 6'1", so Tom's probably 6 1⁄2". Yeah, they're both under obese, bro. You lose. We know. You guys go into a BMI calculator and figure that out. Okay, we'll go into a BMI calculator. We already did.

So here's a question to you. Since Tom Segura won today by two pounds, we're saying tomorrow Burt has segura won today by two pounds we're saying tomorrow burt has to win by more than two pounds if burt wants to win overall does that sound correct to you it's the only way he would buy two pounds tomorrow he should get the tiebreaker because the final non-cut no no because Tom won by two pounds today. So Tom has one victory under his belt. If Burt wins by two pounds tomorrow, it's just a draw.

So he would have to win by more than two pounds because that's the amount of victory that Tom got today. I think they both sweat a bunch, and this is why we did multiple days because we want their actual weight. So tomorrow's day we'll be counting for a little more. But we could do a draw, but I would say, yeah, Howch is a tiebreaker. Okay, so we added their weight up, 6'1", and 221 for Burt,

and the body mass, the overall body mass index is 29.2. So he's overweight only. So he's overweight only. That's not obese. Okay, what about 6'8.5? Six. Okay, let's just what about six feet point five six okay let's six let's just go with six he's still gonna be he's still gonna be overweight i've already done this so many times it's overweight we just went with straight six feet without even the half inch and uh yeah it's good yeah yeah but put me in at 5'10". Put me in, or at 5'8", rather. Wait, who had the lower BMI?

Tommy did. No. I'm obese. Look at this. I'm obese. 5'8". It's ridiculous, but that's hilarious. At 5'8", 200, I'm obese, and they're not.

Who's got the lower BMI? I got a six-pack. You're all masked yeah so what do you think do you think that that's how it should be that Tom

that Bird has to win by more than two pounds tomorrow does that seem fair hang on maybe let's see who's got the lower BMI tomorrow should be

the final way because they couldn't have cut or fucking steamed or not drinking any water they couldn't do that today they couldn't do that two days in a row

yeah they could I think tomorrow should count no they can't because they're going to rehydrate they definitely could do that two days in a row. Yeah, they could. No, they can't because they're going to rehydrate. They definitely could do it two days in a row. Who's got the lower BMI, Jamie? You do by.1. I think

there was a blind weigh-in today. And it wouldn't be fair if you base it on what Burt already knows. Because Burt already has a goal now. See, today was all about willpower. And Tom won that. It was all about willpower. Who's won that. It was all about willpower. Who's losing the most weight? Who comes in the

lightest? He has to win by 2.5 now. Alright, Ari has spoken. But you're going to have to pay for the trip. You understand that, right? No, no. You have to bring in a tape measure and have them against the wall and find out their exact weight. Wait, wait, wait. Tape measure? He's actually...

Yes. How are you measuring the weight? No, no, no. Tape measures? He's actually... No, this is... No, no, no. Wait a minute. He already... But your dad shrunk. Old people shrink. He already conceded. They're not that old. They're not old to the point where they're shrinking.

He's like, my dad said he was six feet, and he was really only 5'10". It's because he used to be six feet. He was, yeah. People shrink. Yeah, the goal weight was... I was 20 years older than my fucking eyelids. By the way, he can stop right there. The goal weight was 227.

The goal weight was 227, Ari, so you lost. We're both well into just overweight. Yeah, that was the goal weight. I'm never going to do it. Get the tape measure for tomorrow. Get the tape measure? What's the fucking tape measure? Okay, listen.

To make you happy because you're the one who's going to have to pay, we will measure height and then we'll measure weight, okay? Yeah. Okay. And if it goes under, then yeah, whoever wins chooses where we go. And I'll pay for it. All right, we got to go. Love you, faggot.

Wow. Wow. What a cheap piece of shit. Love you, faggot. Wow. What a cheap piece of shit. What a cheap piece of shit Ari is. He makes a bet and then can't. What a horrible person. And all he's got is money and nothing. We have children. He doesn't spend money on shit.

I told Ari, and Ari is making fucking bank. He's selling out everywhere. He's got his shows on its third season. He's killing it everywhere. And I go, get a nice car. Get yourself like a little BMW or an Infiniti or something. Don't listen to his podcast with me and Ren Azizi. Why?

He can't understand the concept of a fucking mortgage to save his life. He was saying that before the podcast even started, that he was getting angry that you have a mortgage. He's like, why would you do that? Because the whole premise was, we borrowed money against our house to do a renovation, which makes sense. You know, your house is worth more than you paid for it, so you borrow against that, take out $200,000, and you renovate it.

And then you make your house worth more, but your mortgage is still very small considering that you've only borrowed a minimal amount of money. Or he couldn't wrap his head around that've only borrowed a minimal amount of money. Right. Or he couldn't wrap his head around that. No! That's not your money! That's not your money! He yells too. He gets mad and yells. Here's what else he's going to do. He's going to end up trying to, like if he does have to pay for this, pay for it

in the cheapest way possible. It'll be like last row seats. What I don't understand is he's known me forever and I've never worried about money. I've always just said, just spend it and live. You're not last row seats. But what I don't understand is like he's known me forever and I've never worried about money. Like I've always just said, just spend it and live. You don't, you're not here forever. Just have a good time. Don't go crazy.

Right. Don't buy a bunch of shit you can't afford, but definitely don't think about it. The best thing about money, the number one thing about money, that's the best thing about it is when you make money, you don't have to think about it. Yeah. Meaning that your bills are paid. Yeah. Yeah. money you don't have to think about it yeah meaning that your bills are paid yeah yeah i remember when i got my first development deal when uh i was 25 20 somewhere around then and all of a

sudden i felt light i felt light like i got a check and it was like 100 grand or something like that yeah and i was like oh i don't have to feel i'm not thinking about money anymore yeah it was the craziest feeling it was like I felt lighter. I felt like a weight literally had been lifted off my shoulders. It actually physically felt like the stress of how am I? Oh, then there's the phone bill. Oh, there's the gas bill. Oh, there's the rent. Oh, there's the car.

All that shit was gone. Yeah, it's an amazing feeling. That's the number one good thing about money. It's not about castles and Ferraris and all that bullshit. It's about not worrying about it. Yeah. That's the number one thing. You make great money.

You don't have to worry about a fucking mortgage. You're fine. Yeah. It's stupid. He's crazy. He just couldn't wrap his head around it, and we tried to make it very simple. Pretend you have a backpack. Now, I want to say I'd like to borrow against that backpack and put stuff in your backpack.

Now your backpack's more valuable. He's like, I don't understand backpacks. He doesn't even have a watch. Yeah. He has to look at his phone or ask somebody if he wants to know what time it is. And his phone was made in the 20s. That's true. It's a stupid fucking flip phone.

He barely knows what time it is. I stopped eating my smartphone. Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. Yeah, it's like he's eating shoes while he's talking to you. Like he's got a mouth full of like, undigestible things. He makes a living talking. He's a professional orator. Yeah. Ridiculous. He's trying to get out of this, you realize that?

I know he's trying to get out of this. I wanna see! I wanna be there when you measure their height! You're lying. They're lying. They're lying. I measured my dad. He said he was 6'1". How about the fact that we both lost a considerable fucking amount of weight?

He doesn't care. He's thinking about his money going away. What? Yeah. What? He's so crazy. Way to fucking stereotype it up, Ari. Right now he's making a suit and some shoes as a tailor.

He's such a silly boy. He's such a silly boy. We should make him wear horns to this game. I just feel like, I mean, how much would it cost to fly you to Paris? Well, that's actually pretty expensive, right? Yeah, we're not going coach. Yeah, how are you going you gonna that it's like 25 grand man we're overweight we can't

buy a coach yeah yeah you're overweight 25 I'm obese that's what's why they the scales wrong if you look up look up scale if you look up smart BMI have you seen that that's not that they developed a little bit later.

That's supposed to be a little more progressive in terms of knowing that hitting 200 and more is more along the norm for a lot of grown... I don't know if you would... You won't register the same way you did on that BMI. Right. It was developed later. The real way to do it is to check actual body fat. Yeah. did on that BMI. Right. It was developed later. So the real way to do it is to check actual body fat. Yeah, to get a real test, yeah.

That's a real body mass indicator. They got this thing at my CrossFit place where they bring in a tank of water, and you sit in a tank of water. That's how you really are supposed to do it. That's the real shit. And then it tells you how many calories you burn in a day, how many you need to burn. They do that at the combine. They get people's body mass. I'd love that. If anyone's listening, Tom and I will totally go to a combine and do a combine.

That's the other thing. We wanted to do a show, Burt versus Ari versus Tom, where the three of us make bets against each other. And just outrageous bets. Because let's be fucking honest. In one month, we've lost a considerable amount of weight. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

If you had a time lapse of that, if you had just a show shooting that, it would be fun. And just the call out videos we've been doing to each other, they've been fucking hilarious. You've lost at least like probably 35 pounds. Does that make sense? Yeah. In a month? In a month. That's crazy.

And you've lost probably, what did you think you were a month ago? Because you've been more steady, right? I've been more steady. Yeah. I mean- He called up one day and he goes, this isn't fun, man. He's like, this isn't a good idea. Like, this isn't healthy.

And I was like, yeah, I know. I go, you started it, asshole. I go, you think I want to be fucking eating 500 calories, getting on a treadmill every day? I'm losing a fucking toenail. If you start with the start weight, it's 48 pounds for me. But then in the last month, it's probably like 20, 25. Dude, pick up that 35-pound kettlebell and realize that you lost 10 pounds more than that.

Just pick that up. The smaller one, just feel that. Feel that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And feel that. That's 35 pounds. You've lost that in a fucking month, dude. That's crazy.

I don't want to feel it. Yeah, feel that. Think about walking around with that all day. What a burden that is. No wonder I had plantar fasciitis. Oh, for sure, man. Your feet are carrying the whole weight. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really amazing what you guys have done. Just because it's fun. I mean, it's kind of fun, but it's obviously a lot of work. But I mean, because you guys had this fun challenge and it became this big thing. It's definitely, I mean, like, I feel like you definitely want to live more around this weight, right, going forward. Oh, yeah. This would be great.

This would be a great weight. Do you think you'd like to get lower? Ideally, I'd like to be 215 would be cool. But, yeah, you're not that funny fat. Like, if you take your shirt off, it's not funny anymore. I'd like to stop taking my shirt off. Yeah. Like, I've told you this in a store. Like, I don you take your shirt off, it's not funny anymore. I'd like to stop taking my shirt off. Yeah. I've told you this in a store.

I don't take my shirt off at the store. I have taken it off, but normally I don't. If I do a set in the OR, I don't take my shirt off. Right, right. I don't think about taking my shirt off. It's just, you know, it's one of those things that- It became automatic with you, though, right? It happened organically, and then it was one of the things that when I did my special,

I talked to my buddy Cowhead Mike Calta and he was just like you're not going to do with your shirt on are you and I was like I haven't really thought about it and he's like the thing I like about watching you stand up is it doesn't seem like it's different he's like your first special you were dressed up and I get really fucked up in my head about what to wear on stage

that really kind of gets in my head about like I don't want to put on a costume so for me taking my shirt off was just being. It was authentic to what you were doing because you were doing that for the last couple of years. I've been doing it for like five, seven years. Is that how long you've been doing that? Yeah.

The shirt off? It started, yeah. Seven years? I've been formed with a shirt on, on the road. You can't find a picture of me a lot of times. First show, after the show, I'll put my shirt on to take pictures with people. But I have so many pictures of me with my shirt off just because it felt real. It felt organic.

Let me ask you this. Because when I'm sick and if I go on stage, I don't feel right. I feel off. Like I feel weak. Yeah. You know? When you guys are doing this, you're draining your body. So it's almost like you're sick.

Yeah. So what have your sets been like? I'll tell you, Tampa was the day I really started when I went to Tampa. By the way, I've been on the road this whole fucking month doing this weight loss. I've done every fucking week on the road. And in Tampa, I was

not good. I was dizzy. I couldn't get my hands warm. You're in Florida! You can't get your hands warm. That's crazy. I was dizzy. I couldn't get my hands warm. You're in Florida. You can't get your hands warm. That's crazy. I was dizzy and I was like, I don't even think I was drinking a little bit, but I wasn't drinking much but I wasn't eating. That was the other thing. I wasn't

eating any calories. I'm sure I wish I had a doctor to tell me this. I think I was probably pre-diabetic and then when I stopped taking in all sugar altogether my body just went fucking crazy. There was a I think I was probably pre-diabetic. And then when I stopped taking in all sugar altogether, my body just went fucking crazy. There was a set where I was like, I was dizzy and I, they were sending up juice to the stage so I could get sugar in my body. Whoa. Like you asked them to do that?

Yeah. They sent up a cranberry juice and then I drove in one day and I was like shivering and I pulled into McDonald's and got an orange juice. And I was like, dude, something's fucking wrong. My parents were worried. But then right after that, I started feeling good. And then I drove in one day and I was like shivering. And I pulled into McDonald's and got an orange juice. And I was like, dude, something's fucking wrong. My parents were worried. But then right after that, I started feeling good. And then I got to like Fort Lauderdale and I was like, bam, I'm on roll. I was in Omaha. Omaha was the best. I started losing weight.

I started feeling good. And then they were doing topless shots upstairs. $3 topless shots. What's a topless shot? Everyone's fucking naked. The people that were serving you shots or you? Everyone in the audience. The whole audience?

Yeah. What in the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. So it was just everyone upstairs, topless. And if you were topless, you got a $3 shot. Tits. Yeah.

Tits were out. It was fucking amazing. It was the smartest thing. This was an indie? Morty's Comedy Join is the smartest thing they ever did.y? in Morty's Comedy Zone it was the smartest thing they ever did how did they get away with that? like you know what I mean?

I don't know that they care yeah it seems like they don't care in this picture yeah I sent it to Tom oh yeah the best picture I sent to Tom

here wait let me show you oh yeah yeah yeah as long as you're in Indianapolis you can pull that shit off yeah you can't get away with that do that in New York

they'll put you in jail oh for sure you have to have a license to show your tits. I had day two of cutting sugar. We did a live podcast, and I was in a bad fucking mood, man. Yeah, bad, right? I showed up, and I said something to the manager, and then I heard Christina. She was like, just stay out of his way.

Wow. Because I was like, I didn't mean it. I apologize later, but I was real short. Irritated. So, Joe, I texted this picture to Tom, and I was like, weight loss is doing good. Tell me what you think. It's his hog. Yeah.

Photoshopped. Photoshopped. Yeah. To look fucking ridiculous. But it was kind of on the to look fucking ridiculous but it was like it was kind of on the line right so I was like

Jesus man he was like and then he wrote like oops I didn't mean to send it from the waist down and I go do you mind if I tweet this

and then he called I have daughters I actually have real naked pictures I showed that to Dan Marino you did yeah I go

I was showing it to Paul and Young Ron on their last day and Dan Marino sat down. And I still had it on my phone. I go, Dan, you've been in a lot of locker rooms. What do you think about this? And he goes, er.

Hey, you were with Captain Lee from Below Deck on that. Who's that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, some reality show. What reality show is Below Deck? Below Deck is like, it's chart, yard, what's, I can't say, yacht charters. And they have, so you have like it follows the crew

and then the guests right so below deck is the crew and the guests are upstairs so it's just like a nonsense reality show

but it's super entertaining they are running out of fucking topics it's super entertaining I get lost in it really yeah yeah yeah I mean like

as a fluff show like it's something to watch you like a lot of stupid shows though right Tom likes a lot of stupid shows, though, right? Yeah, Tom likes a lot of stupid shit. You ever fucking, you ever see his promotions for his tour? It's just some black lady putting on cream?

Happy getting real up in this, bitch. Tom Segura, Indianapolis. Do you ever have some of the people that are actually the people from that video contact you after you put their videos up as promos? Not as – I don't think on the promos yet. I've had it from your mom's house, like videos. Right, like Throatzilla. Yeah, yeah. She reached out.

She follows me. She came to a show. She follows me. Yeah, that one had to be really weird, right? I wasn't expecting – she was like posting, you know, I'm going to come to this show or that show. And I was just like posting you know i'm gonna come uh to this show or that show and i was just like you know i didn't respond i didn't know like if it was serious or not anyways and then she just she showed up and goes like i don't want my picture taken and then she was wearing a shirt that said throatzilla throatzilla google me

so i was like oh okay but she was super nice, you know? Very nice. So you got over it. You really think that you were pre-diabetic? I might have been. Did you... Do you want to throw in the towel for tomorrow, or do you want to go for it? Oh, I'm going for it. Okay. Ari's already paying, no matter what.

So the burden's off you guys. It's just a beard thing now. Yeah, it's not a beard thing. Ari's very upset. Very upset. I heard that. He's trying to roll it back. He doesn't believe thing now. Yeah, it's not a beard thing. Ari's very upset. Very upset. I heard that. He's trying to roll it back. He doesn't believe your heights.

Yeah. The lion, the lion. Find out how tall they would have to be to be obese. I've done this so much, I can already tell you. Go to 5'10". If I was just 6 foot, I'm still overweight. Yeah, it was like 5'11". That would have been.

So 6 foot was real close. Well, so for sure, he's lost. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was like 5'11", that would have been. So six foot was real close. Okay, well, so for sure he's lost. Yeah. Yeah, he's definitely lost. Tom and I have already talked about this ad nauseum, and trust me, I've looked at that BMI scale a lot. Check, check. You've got to weigh him.

You've got to measure him. Your scale's off. I had a physical three, four months ago where they measured your height and everything. Yeah, he doesn't believe the scale's right. I know. I'm going to my cardiologist next week. Next week?

Yeah, I rescheduled it. I was like, I'm in the middle of this weight loss challenge, and it's not super healthy, and I kind of don't want to see you now. I was like, can I see you when I'm rebounded? I think you losing all this weight the way you're doing it, I don't think it's really going to fuck with your heart that much. I don't think it's a bad thing. You think it is?

I don't know. Is your heart bad? I don't know. If you went in right now dehydrated, it would probably have some sort of an effect. I was supposed to go in last week and I was just like, I don't want to go in and him being like, hey listen, because I got something going on with my thyroid that they've never really figured out.

So I don't want him to be like, you're fucking with your thyroid. I was like, let's just get through this. This is fun. By the way, that's the other part of this. None of this was like, it's all healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to live long. I want to see my kids get married. Fucking Ari posted a tweet about that. What if Burt Gaines waits? Then he'll be in

heaven and some other man will be holding his daughter's hand, walking her down the aisle. Fucking Ari sometimes. He's ruthless. Yeah, ruthless. It's almost like he's got Asperger's or something. The way he just... When I walked in his room that day, the day the challenge started, he's just like, I was like, what's up? And he's like, you're fat.

You're fat. You're obese. Oh my God, you're obese. It's disgusting. You're obese. And then I'm like, okay, it's good seeing you, Ari. How you doing? Yeah.

He's like, I was going to talk to you about family, but you're just obese. And you're like, I'm here for like an hour. I got to run back to OB radio. Do you want to, can we do a podcast? Wow but you're just obese and you're like yeah i'm here for like an hour i gotta run back to op radio do you wanna can we do a podcast wow you're just so fat how fat do you think tom is oh yeah that's how it started is ari's just fucking see he probably wouldn't be so intense about it if he wouldn't he didn't have the possibility of him paying money right oh yeah looming over his head how about you he's obsessing right now oh he's mad yeah right now he's mad. Fuck.

He's like, their scale's broken. There's no way. Rogan's scale's no good. Yeah. He thinks things are heavier than they are. Yeah, yeah. Or he thinks,

that scale's bullshit. They're lighter. They're heavier. Something's wrong. Fucking Ari. He's just thinking about a way to get out of it right now. Absolutely. Scrambling. I mean, we put a 35- get out of it right now. Absolutely. Scrambling.

I mean, we put a 35-pound weight on that scale. It was 35 pounds. But not only that, though. He brought up the height thing to me, I don't know, a month or so ago. And I had a long time. I was like, look, man, we need to know what the goal weight just is. And he agreed. He agreed it was 227.

It's 227. That was what it was at the very, very beginning. Trust me. You guys were both way under that. When I got here today, I thought I would be 226 and something. You're almost 10 pounds under that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he lost. He's going to have to. Let's just talk about the beard now. Are we shaving the whole thing off?

Yeah. You should make you wear a Hitler. Those are new stakes. On a trip with Ari. He's got to film a Comedy Central show. what is it on the 8th i gotta film goddamn comedy jam on the 11th january 11th oh wow and ryan sickler's been fucking texting me he's like you got this man don't let don't come on this show without a beard oh yeah you're fucked you want to hear something crazy yeah so uh yes so the song...

I can't wait for you to do it without a beard. Ladies and gentlemen, Bert Kreischer, and everyone's like, which one? Well, you've had beards and not beards since I've known you. Like, when I first met you, you didn't have a beard. I just had stubble. Yeah. Yeah. When did you go full beard?

Probably when I got fatter. But doesn't that make your face look even bigger? It does, actually. It does. If it gets real bushy, you definitely, even if you're fat, it looks badder. And you trim it, and you're like, oh, it looks like I lost 20 pounds. I went full beard when this guy Evan Tanner died. Look at that guy.

That's the saddest part of this whole thing is Tom used to be hot. He used to be. Look at Push. She looks great. That's not Push. That's a different gal. That's a lady that paid to take the picture. Holy shit.

She got paid to take that picture. You look great there. Jesus Christ. You're closing in on that, though, dude. That's probably. No, he'll never see that again. Bullshit. He'll never see that again.

That's 20 pounds away. Yeah, it is. Maybe 25. How big do you think you were there? 195, 200. But you know what? Honestly, your shoulders are bigger now. You've been lifting weights pretty consistently.

You actually look stronger. You look bigger. Yeah, that's a young man right there. Wow. How old are you there? 21 or 22. Wow. That's actually how I – that's me the same year I came to L.A.

That's how I came here. With dreams in your eyes. Oh, my God. So many dreams. Can you imagine if they had said, hey, get fat and you'll get famous? Get fat as fuck, meet Mike Tyson and you'll get famous. Yeah, but you didn't have to be fat to be famous. You know, I remember Kevin James had this manager, this terrible manager at one point in time.

Kevin was trying to lose weight and this manager was just a fucking idiot. He said, Kevin, don't do it. When you're losing weight, you're losing rolls. Yeah. It was like telling him rolls in movies and shit. I've heard people tell me that. Don't lose weight. You won't be funny anymore.

That's so dumb. That's so dumb. That's one of the dumbest things that you can say. Well, people have this idea that you can't be fit and be funny. It's so stupid. Yeah, and then I heard someone say, fat comics aren't funny. I was like, what? Oh, that's ridiculous.

Sam Kinison. Yeah. Funniest of all time. Fat as fuck. Find a picture. Jamie, see if you can go on my Instagram and see the picture of when I was skinny. This is going to, you've ever seen this? I have.

Oh, yeah. I look fucking different as shit. Yeah, you look real different. And you didn't have a beard either. I haven't had, I've had a beard. My daughters have never seen me without a beard. Whoa. By the way, if I lose, my son is going to be terrified, you know, if I come home.

Dude, that happened to me. When my daughter was really little I had a full crazy beard cuz this guy Evan Tanner was a former UFC middleweight champion he died he had this big beard so a bunch of us online a bunch of fans decided to grow a beard for Evan and I grew a fucking werewolf beard like a full-on if you've ever seen me I don't see it but I think guy that hiked out into the forest. Oh, look at you two. Beautiful. You guys look great there.

Yeah. What year is this? You had a goatee, Bert. Yeah. That's probably like 06, right? It's got to be 04. 04? 04.

No, that's not 04. We performed with the porn stars that night. Where'd you guys at? That's not 04. Me, you, and Nick Thune performed with the porn stars that night. You sure that's 04? I'm certain of it. See if you can find one with me with my beard.

I miss it sometimes. It was glorious. This big, thick, fucking bushy, crazy beard. My daughters will lose their shit. So what happened was I shaved my beard off, and my daughter didn't see me shaving the beard off, and she started crying. Wow. Whoa, you look like me. Yeah, I had a full on beard, son.

That was when I was living in Colorado. I trimmed it down because if I don't trim it down, it goes all the way up to almost where my nostrils are. Are you heavier there too? Are you thicker? No, it's just the look. Just look. It just looks like I'm thicker.

Because of the beard. Yeah, see right there, you can see it. God dang. Yeah. Thinking about bread. Thinking about bread. I don't know why that says thinking about bread. Yeah. Thinking about bread. Thinking about bread. I don't know why that says thinking about bread. Yeah.

It's a manly thing, right? Having a beard is a fucking manly thing. Yeah, then you just get used to it. I would put lotion in it to smooth it out. Do you do that? No. I have a rash inside my beard. So if I lose my beard, we're going to get to see what Vietnamese children's hands look like. Look at that picture.

That's a ridiculous picture. Look at you, you little baby. You're a cute little blue-eyed baby. When we were walking through the forest in Vietnam, we walked on this village. And these kids had never seen a dude with a beard before. Because in Vietnam, they don't grow beards and they'd never been out of the jungle. And so we walked in and I came in with a beard

and they fucking lost their shit. I thought I was a werewolf. I mean, they're fucking around. Yeah, they lost their shit and they ran in hot head. What? And I've never had that reaction with kids. I'm always really good with kids. And so I was like, what's wrong?

And Titi was our fixer. And he's like, your beard scares them. They think you're a wolf. And I said, oh, let me tell them beard scares them. They think you're a wolf. And I said, oh, let me tell them I'm okay. So we brought a guitar over, and we sat with these kids, and they wouldn't stop looking at my beard. So I go into my bag, and I had Skittles and M&Ms with me.

So I pulled out Skittles. They had never had fucking Skittles. I give them Skittles, and they light up. And then one of the kids is like, says, in Vietnamese, can I play in your face? So I said, sure. So then all the kids started playing in my face. One kid had this funky hand, and kids is like, it says in Vietnamese, can I play in your face? So I said, sure. So then all the kids started playing in my face. One kid had this funky hand. And I was like, this isn't going to go good.

And he gets in my head. And as soon as he does it, I feel everything get hot on my side. I'm like, oh. Oh, really? But I couldn't say anything. What was on his hand? I don't know. It just looked fucking disgusting. Like he had never washed his hand.

And so I've had this thing that I've been putting cortisone on for the last month, trying to get it to go away in case I lose my beard. Did you ever go to a dermatologist? No, because I have a beard. No one saw it, so I didn't give a fuck. So it's still in there for a month? For a month? How long?

A year and a half. Jesus Christ, Bert! Go to a doctor! But I had a beard. It's like, if you get a pimple in a beard, you're like, ah, fuck it. You forget about it. What if you've got some crazy Ebola shit growing on your face? Please, please, please.

Oh, we'll see you tomorrow. Please. Please. Please let it be dead. Please let it be dead. My wife's been saying to me, she's like, you need to shave your beard and let it air out. Because it's just that you sleep on your cheek, and so it gets warm every night. And it's like, so.

Yeah, man, whatever the fuck it is, it's supposed to go away by now. Yeah, you should go to a doctor I'm not I'm not the doctor type wait what time are we weighing in tomorrow? That's one thing We didn't know what time would you want to do it tomorrow? What time works? Same time Bob getting but we're getting fucked up tomorrow, too, okay, okay, okay? Yeah, so what kind of booze do you want? We'll bring booze. Vodka, Tito's, and soda. And we'll bring pizza.

Tito's. Oh. Okay. My dick just got hard. Yeah. Okay. Tito's and soda. Tito's?

What's a Tito? Tito's. What is that? It's a vodka. Vodka? Yeah. I don't know shit. I think they're Austin-based, right?

They're Austin-based, and the guy's name is Bert. The owner of the company's name is Bertito. We'll get some of that, and we'll bring some pizzas. So we'll take an order at the end of the day. What kind of pizza do you want? No, no, they're Team Bert. So let's do Grey Goose and sodas instead. Oh, we'll do both.

Tito's is Team Bert. We'll do Tito's and Grey Goose. You're a Grey Goose guy? Grey Goose and soda? I am since they went Team Bert. They went Team Bert? Like they contacted you? Yeah, they hit me up.

They're like, love the way it lost, Team Bert. Yeah, I had a bottle, but I poured that shit down the drain. Jack Daniels is Team Rogan if you want to hop on board. What's that? Want to go to Jack and Coke? I haven't had that in forever. Want to go to that? I'll join you on there.

Okay. All right, Jack and Coke's tomorrow. We're going to get loopy. Woo! Really fucked up tomorrow. Yeah. Okay. Pizza?

Pizza? Do you want pizza or do you want Dan's super subs? No, no, no no no no no no I've been thinking about this for a fucking really okay. Can we get can we get pizza and hot wings? Oh, yeah for sure. Oh hot wings the only problem is getting it here at 11 a.m. How many pizza places are open at 10? They're open pretty early just for slobs like pizza for breakfast, okay? Can we get some thin crust pepperoni whatever the fuck you want? We'll take an order We'll take an order and we'll bring it in.

We should also do a post binge weigh in. See what we get up to. Yeah, we should. We should go hard. We should go hard and figure it out. I'll even eat pizza tomorrow. That's going to be hard. The weird part about this weigh in shit is it's kind of

fucked with my head a little bit. Like in that I can understand. I'm not saying I understand, but I understand what like anorexics, the control part of it. You know, like I don't, I think I get the control part where you go, I'm not eating anything. And then you feel you're in control. You're like eating an apple and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have had that. That's a lot of sugar. Maybe I should throw that up.

Like I understand that part because I bet tomorrow that first piece of pizza is going to be very hard for me to eat. Because I haven't had anything. I've had a lot of anxiety over this. Over what? The weigh-in. Oh. I had dreams last night that Brendan Schaub was running me through fucking training camp. Really?

Dude, yeah. I had a hundred dreams about Brendan Schaub last night. I dreamt that I put Justin Bieber in the hospital. Beat the shit out of him? Yeah. What'd I had a hundred dreams about Bernie Schaub last night. I dreamt that I put Justin Bieber in the hospital. Beat the shit out of him? Yeah. What'd you beat him with? I beat him with my hands, but then I slammed his head against the floor.

Why? What caused the anger? He said something about, he's like, nice jacket at a diner. And I go, thanks, I like your hair. And he's like, what'd you say to me? And as soon as he said that, I jumped over the thing and I like elbowed him in the face and took him and started slamming his head against the floor. And then it just cut to, in my dream, it just cut to me walking out of a jail. And there was TMZ there.

And they're like, why did you attack him? And I go, it was just a big misunderstanding. Like people say after like street fights, you know? It was just misunderstanding, man. And then I dreamt I was going in a car and people were following me. And they're like, you shouldn't have attacked that guy. I don't know. I woke up.

That's hilarious. What's the biggest thing you've cheated on? What's the one splurge where you're like, fuck it. I can tell you mine right now. He's had nothing but water. No, food-wise. Food-wise? But for drinking, all he had was coffee and water. Are you serious?

Have you really been about that with water? Yeah, and then I cut coffee. You cut coffee? Yeah. 219. I had two cups of coffee today. You did today? Yeah. Why'd you do that today?

I had to get on the treadmill Yeah but you don't have to have the coffee to get on the treadmill This kid does I needed that And song number two by Blur to get the day started How big was the cup of coffee? Like The big ones

Wow dude You know that's probably like eight ounces You probably drank a pound of coffee Watch out That might have been the difference Tomorrow I'll just have a fucking, I'll just do a little bump of Coke. It'll be fucking,

dude, have you ever worked out on Coke? No. Have you? Yeah. And you fucking kill it. Really? I used to play basketball

after smoking weed, like pickup games in college and when I first got out here. Some of the best pickup games I ever played. not too high. Well, NBA players are famous. They was in the contract, right?

Yeah, the whole NBA. It's amazing. If you're dialed in, I imagine it might be like that with jiu-jitsu in a way. It is 100% like that with jiu-jitsu. If you're dialed in in basketball, You can lose yourself and see plays before, see somebody hitting the hole before it happens. You get in a zone, and you're just zoned in on it, man. Not on coke, though.

I probably sparred on jiu-jitsu thousands of times. Really? Thousands. Like, no bullshit. Over the course of 20 years. Smoking. Yeah. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many times.

Smoked and then done jujitsu. Many times. Because everybody does it. It's like one of those things dudes would meet at 10th Planet. We'd meet in the parking lot and get lit up and then go in there and roll. But how high? High as fuck. Oh, you get really low.

So high I forget what I'm talking about. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But you can't learn anything on high when you're high like that. You don't learn shit. You just do what you know.

But you're super creative. Like, it's not good if someone's trying to teach you something. But what it is good for is if you already know things. You already know things and you just get loose and zoned out and then you can just, you feel the moves better. You feel, like, the attacks better. Now, I know you probably already talked about this, but I haven't heard you talk about it real quick what about the ronda rousey thing a crazy fight um not good not good oh it was you could see the panic you could see the anxiety you could see the difference in the skill level striking-wise. I just think there was a lot wrong with her camp,

a lot wrong with her preparation, a lot wrong with her mindset, and a lot wrong with her skill set in comparison to that woman. Amanda Nunes is a fucking monster. She's a monster. I knew that a long time ago. I thought she was the biggest threat to Ronda

before Ronda got knocked out by Holly. I was like, amanda nunez is the biggest threat because every fight starts standing and holly is a very good striker but the real danger for holly i always thought was her kicks and that's what she knocked ronda out with head kick but like it kicks her harder to land like a head kicks harder to land than a punch when in exchanges ronda would get punched you know and i'd seen her get punched by misha and other people had punched her i'm like if fucking amanda nunes punches her she's gonna she's gonna get fucked up and that's exactly what happened but it was way worse because she was still recovering psychologically from that holly home fight and then also physiologically when you get head kicked and we were talking about on the podcast podcast yesterday there's some people that get head kicked and they are never the same again

like never you never know some people get a head injury and they're okay a few months later some people get a head injury and they're never okay yeah the same the same person who you were goes away any person any head injury you can do that you know I know someone from an accident nothing to do with fighting mm-hmm head trauma never the same well you know that's the Sam Kinison story Sam Kinison was one person and then he got hit by a truck I think when he was a little kid and it was never the same again and then also he's just reckless fucking wild man yeah I was like this calm, collected kid, normal kid, kind of shy, gets hit by a fucking truck.

And then all of a sudden he's this wild man who doesn't give a fuck. He's taking crazy chances and risks. Wow. You know, I had a serious head injury. There you go. Bird crusher. I got thrown on my head in college in a fight and knocked unconscious and then was out of it and wandering around the campus lost didn't know who i was didn't know where i was nobody brought you to a doctor no this girl did this girl did

found me on campus and i was confused i didn't know where i was and then she uh it was if i was in the middle of the day what happened i was in a in my fraternity i would written a song about a guy and i and that i had sung before and i guess he had been upset before and told me that i just didn't understand it's that's a problem with me is guess he had been upset before and told me that I just didn't understand it that's a problem with me is sometimes I cast a big wake and I don't get that I'm upsetting people

but everyone's having a good time and they feel like I'm making fun of them but I'm not I'm just being fun you know and he came up to me in the middle of the day

and I saw him and we were really good friends and he was big and he was like stay the fuck away from me and I thought he was kidding around and I went up to him and he was like I'm fucking serious and he got in my. And he was like, stay the fuck away from me. And I thought he was kidding around. And I went up to him and he was like, I'm fucking serious. And he got in my face.

And I was like, are you really going to fucking hit me? We're friends. And he fucking grabbed me and tried to, and then literally suplexed me and flapped me on my head. Oh, Jesus. I went out. And I woke up and he was holding my tongue because I had swallowed my tongue He was holding my tongue out of my mouth And he was crying and he was like I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry, and I didn't know what happened and I just walked around I started walking around campus this girl found me In the middle of like and then drove me like she drove me the hospital and I was in the hospital I was so confused. I didn't know anything. I didn't know who the president was. I kind of started like coming, figuring it out. And then my girlfriend and my best friend came out and got me and took me home. But like for like a week, I'd go like, I remember one time I went to go get the mail with my dog and I forgot where our apartment was. And I was like, where the fuck is our apartment? Wait, did you see the guy again? Yeah.

And? He graduated that. He was older than me. He graduated that year and he came back. Oddly enough, he came back and he tried to apologize. And I was just like, I don't know. I'll never see you again. You can go fuck yourself. I felt so guilty about beating up Justin Bieber in my dream that I downloaded two of his songs after I woke up.

Wait, which ones? Because he's got two really good ones. I think it was like the Sorry one and the other big hit from last year or whatever it was. I don't know. Yeah, the one that Michael Che sang. Or not Michael Che. The other black guy from SNL. I don't know.

Fucking Jay Pharoah. Oh. That would sound racist. I didn't mean you guys. But you were both black guys on SNL. I've seen a ton of people get hit in the head yeah yeah I've probably seen more people get knocked the fuck out then I would say the then 1% of all the living humans that have ever lived

probably yeah probably yeah most likely yeah it scares me head injuries scare me more than anything because it just don't because you don't know. The scariest part to me when I watch boxing or MMA, even like those recaps afterwards, because you see it obviously different in slow-mo or afterwards, but when you see that that knockout blow has been landed and the fighter is so zoned in on what he's doing that he'll get in like two more. And it's already like it's over.

And then you'll see like another hit. And the lights are already off. And you see the whole head go. And then like a second one is bouncing off the canvas. And you're like, oh, my God. And then, you know, the ref, even if he's good, jumps in and stops it. But you're like, that's way too much that's happened already. There was a bad one this past weekend.

Mike Pyle fought this guy Alex Garcia, and he got hit with a right hand and dropped. He got knocked out, and then as he went unconscious, his head bounced off the canvas. And the head bounces are the scariest ones. Yeah. A guy goes out, and then as he's falling, his head just ba-bang. Yeah. And when he got up, he was out for a bit, and then he woke up. He did not know what happened. And they tried to tell him he got knocked out.

He's like, no way. And then he's like, no, fuck. But then he kept saying, what happened? And they're like, you got knocked out. I was like, no. What happened? He kept doing it over and over. Yeah, that's real common.

I've seen that many times when people get knocked out. Can you believe Bingo's recovery? How is she doing now? She's doing great. She's back at the fucking funhouse. Is she? Yeah. When? It wasn't an easy path. I haven't talked to Doug about it totally. Explain the story.

I'm not speaking out of school. I think this is stuff all Doug has shared. Bingo was having her 40th birthday party, I think. And so her sisters came out. Her parents were coming out. Everyone was coming out. She started partying pretty hard. I think she did too much coke.

She had a seizure, which has happened before. But she fell off a step and hit her head. And apparently she was bleeding out of every orifice of her face. And, you know, all their, you know, Doug's, everything's a joke there. But then it wasn't. And I was in the car with Big Jay and Doug called. And I was like, hey, guys, it's Doug Stanhope. And Jay's like, what?

What's up? And Doug's like, I think Bingo's going to die. I'm probably not going to make it to the end of the world podcast. And then we were like, whoa. And then I took off. Yeah, you could tell he was kind of out of sorts at the podcast. was just off he was like it felt uncomfortably kept leaving you know and he just didn't know what to say he was he was really odded out by the whole thing yeah he was he was really worked up and then i would talk to him i i every now and then i'll talk to doug late night when

we're both drinking and uh we talked i think we talked for like an hour 45 minutes and he was just like it's you know it's not gonna this isn't good this isn't how it's gonna go and then all of a sudden one day they're like hey she started responding and then they're like hey she's talking hey she's playing the guitar hey she's doing good we're gonna have a swallow test and if we can get the we're gonna try to get her a trach because that was her problem is her vocal cords were all fucked up and then they got her a trach and then they're like hey they're a get her a trach, because that was her problem, is her vocal cords were all fucked up. And then they got her a trach, and then they're like, hey, a trach is where they, tracheotomy, where they put a hole in your throat, so that

she doesn't have to use her throat to breathe. You can just breathe right from your lungs to the air. And so then, they were like, you know, it's going to be some rehabilitation. It's going to take a while to get her back to, like, where she was the day of her birthday party, but everything seems to be tracking really nicely.

I mean, so much so Doug is Doug. It's the day like a week before Bingo had her accident. Doug called me like late night and he was like, do you have one hundred thousand dollars you can part with? I was like, yeah, why? And he goes, I got a I got a I got a line on a cave in Arizona. I want to buy. We'll get me, you, Norm MacDonald, Joe. We'll get us all in.

We're going to do it. Right. And I was like, hey, you MacDonald, Joe. We'll get us all in. We're going to do it, right? A cave? He hasn't texted you about this? Well, I know there's a house that's for sale that's built into a cave. Is that the one? He wants to buy that house? It's a million dollars. He's like, 10 of us. 100 grand. We each put it in, and then we have our own cave. I don't want to go to that cave. Well, that's why

maybe he hasn't texted you. The house has been for sale for like a decade. I thought he was going to ask for medical bills money. No. That makes sense. Yeah, that's what I thought too. And then last night,

or the night before last, he started talking about the cave again. So I go, things must be doing good in the funhouse if Doug wants to go back to buying the cave. And Norm MacDonald's in, Roseanne Barr's in. What?

What are they going to do with this cave? I don't know, but I'm pot committed. 100 grand. Fucking, Leanne's like, we're not buying a fucking cave. You're 100 grand into a cave and Ari doesn't want, but I'm pot committed. 100 grand. My Leanne's like, we're not buying a fucking cave. You're 100 grand into a cave

and Ari doesn't want to part with the fucking plane ticket to Paris because he thinks you're lying about your height. My dad said he was 6'1". He's 5'10". He's going to roll back every excuse tomorrow. It's going to be rough. You can tell him we're 6'4". He doesn't care. I don't care. Bullshit.

Not paying. God damn it. I'm going to lose my fucking beard, I think we're 6'4". He doesn't care. I don't care. Bullshit. Not paying. God damn it. I'm going to lose my fucking beard, I think. Well, he's very frugal. Yeah, he is. Oh. Except maybe- Remember when he was going to give away money? You were hearing him on that podcast?

He's like, I have all the money I need. I just want cool things. So if you have an idea, maybe I'll fund it. Really? Yeah. He's like, I have everything I need. What ideas would you want to fund? How good would the idea have to be before- That I'm like, just take this? Yeah. He's like, I have everything I need. What ideas would you want to fund? Like, how good would the idea have to be before?

That, like, I'm like, just take this? Yeah. It would be insanely good. Yeah. I don't know. If it's, like, just a creative project. People have come up to me with some really good ideas, and I'm like, good luck. Yeah.

I'm not funding shit. Yeah. I don't. Does it ever excite you? No. I guess. No? I don't want to think.

Yeah. I don't want. Like, here's the thing. People go, it won't be a big deal. Just give me my. I'm going to handle it. No. No. I don't want to think. Here's the thing. People go, it won't be a big deal. Just give me money. I'm going to handle it. No, I'm going to think about it. So it's going to cost me money.

I would rather have less money and not think about you doing that than to make money from you doing that. Because then I have to think. As soon as you start relying, you complicate your life when you get involved in too many endeavors. I'm already involved in too much shit as it is Yeah, when I say that to people they go you're not even gonna happen like stop You still get a lot of pitches all the time. I was with you for a patiently. Oh, I won't get into it Well, I'm bad. We were at remember a guy met us It was arranged and we were in New York or something. He was at the restaurant

He was like I've built like a this oh, yeah the mountain in the mountains. Yeah was like, I've built this city. Oh, yeah. The mountain. In the mountains, yeah. Yeah. And I was there like, I'm trying to smell what you're selling right now. Community in the mountains. Yeah, and then he was like, people like you, he goes, we'd like to just have you up there and on the house, of course. We'll take care of you.

Your whole family can go and enjoy it. And I'm like, yeah. So that later he buys it. Like you're giving him a week free and then yeah now do you want to buy it yeah and he's like trying to say like no no i just want you to enjoy it like so he can buy it you're gonna let him stay there and then or you use me to try to rope other people into buying there yeah yeah i mean it's fine i mean, you know, that's his pitch. But communities get constructed naturally. I've never heard, I mean, I guess you might be able to do. It was a forced upscale community. Do you remember when you wanted to buy, when you wanted to make a compound up in

Santa Barbara? I still do. I'm still, by the way, I'm looking at land yesterday. Santa Barbara? Everywhere. I love Santa Barbara. Trying to get off the grid, son. Leanne and I are looking at property in Colorado. Yeah, where? What part? Because right now, we're at a place where our payments are... Leanne set it up so that we could be poor. They pay off your house. Yeah. You're living above

your means. Stop with the mortgage. We've been talking about Colorado. You want to buy a house together? Where in Colorado? Personally, I would like to stay no more than 45 to an hour outside of Denver. I got you. Evergreen. But up above the elevation, like 7,500 feet.

You've been looking at that too? Yes. Evergreen's a spot. I got a buddy who lives up there. That's where my buddy, I got a buddy who lives there. Fucking amazing. You got to put like bear, like nails upside down so the bears don't come in your fucking house. You do have to do that sometimes.

And they have certain kinds of doorknobs. Like they don't, you know those doorknobs that are like, like pull down doorknobs? Yeah. They don't recommend those. Oh really? Bears figure those fuckers out. Oh really? Yeah.

And they figure out how to get in your fucking house. Dude, let's get a house together. You want to do that? Yeah. You guys are going gay for each other. Look at this. This would be, oh, this is my dream. Two bears with bears?

It's like Tommy Burt. Have you been looking at that? Yeah, yeah. We talked about it yesterday. Because you can get it fairly cheap up there, especially if you go halfsies. All right. It's hard to do halfsies on a mortgage. Yeah.

Now you have a second house. Now you're way over your head. We'll start a corporation. Evergreen is fucking beautiful. That's my favorite. I think my favorite city to go like to visit. I love Denver.

It's the shit. Yeah. My sound guy lives up there. Those people got it made, man. I mean, they're staring at the Rocky Mountains every day. Weed's legal.

Real estate prices are through the roof. Everyone's cool there. So cool. Oh, we're getting so high tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. So how are you guys going to deal with the rest of the day? Do you just go out of here and just start running?

Like, what are you going to do? Get on the treadmill. I got to go do a podcast. You got to do yours? I got to do mine, yeah. I got to do one with Joey. Now, is there any concern about the rest of the day? Like, you know, this is like, it's a race that you're ahead.

Yeah. But you're only ahead by 32 ounces. Oh, I got to be real careful today. Look, Tom is Derek Jeter. I'm Mickey Mantle. You keep saying it's Mickey Mantle. Yeah, because Mickey Mantle was a fucking savage. He fucking partied his whole fucking life.

Never showed up to a game fucking half sober and still is one. Who do you remember more, Tom? Be honest. Mickey Mantle or Derek Jeter? I mean, definitely Jeter. He fucking partied his whole fucking life, never showed up to a game, fucking half sober, and still is one of the... Who do you remember more, Tom, be honest, Mickey Mantle or Derek Jeter? Yeah, but to steal from Daniel Tosh, just like Trainwreck stole from Daniel Tosh. Trainwreck stole from Daniel? Yeah, they did. The movie? Fuck yeah, they did.

Fuck yeah, they did. They directly stole one of his lines. Really? Yeah, he had a bit about Babe Ruth. He's like, yeah. He goes, there should be an asterisk next to his name because he never had a play against black guys. Oh, yeah. He was talking about Babe Ruth. He's like, yeah. He goes, there should be an asterisk next to his name because he never had a play against black guys. Oh, yeah.

He was talking about Babe Ruth never took steroids. He also never played against black guys. Yeah. And Daniel Tosh had a great bit. They stole it

ver-fucking-batem in that movie Trainwreck. Can he tell you this? He did it on his show. Oh, on his show, really? He talked about it on his show. And there's one of the compilations of plagiarism accusations

against Schumer. How's that in there? Wow. Yeah, there's a lot, by the way. There's a lot. There's Schumer has that in there. There's a lot, by the way. There's a lot. There's a new video that's out. There's a lot. It gets hairy where you got to go, huh. All righty.

Anyway, Mickey Mantle didn't play against black guys. Or did he? Maybe he did. Yeah, Mickey Mantle played against black guys. He did. Jackie Robinson. Yeah, he did. It was well before him.

So you're saying that you're just the gunslinger here. No, but what you're going to do, I can already predict tomorrow. Okay. Oh. Tommy's going to come in at 217. 215. No. He's going to be about 215.

No. Yeah, he is. Tom has hit his threshold weight. I don't think so. I'm still eating chicken. I'm not eating anything. Right, right, right. Although I have probably drank seven pounds of water.

But you've got to understand that you'll hold on to more water. Have either one of you guys fucked with distilled water? That's all I've been drinking. Shut up. Really? Shut up, you liar. You got to be careful with that. You can't drink too much of that because it'll deplete your body of minerals and electrolytes.

Yeah. Look, all I know is that I can probably run 20 miles between now and then. That's all I need. Sort of. The problem is, boy, when are you going to do it? When are you going to actually do it? Because you're going to literally have to do it before the weigh-in. You're not going to be able to drink anything.

Think about 32 ounces. This is what, 8 ounces? Yeah. This is eight? 16. 16? Is it 16? Yeah.

These are 16? These are 32s right here. This is 16.9, yeah. Okay. So- Two of these. Two of these. Two of these, he's ahead of you.

Just two of these. So you can't fuck around. I don't use math in this. I use heart. Long strand DNA. Long strand DNA. Long-strand DNA. Long-strand DNA. What is long-strand DNA? What does that mean?

It's from some movie that I saw. So you think if you just do the run, then you'll do it? I'm not going to eat anything either. You're going to feel like shit. No. No? I'm different than you guys. I've got that long-strand DNA.

You're different? How are you different than me? I focus on it. I focus. I get hyper-aware, and I go, I have a goal. Like, today, when I woke up, I wanted a glass of water so bad it was sick for him. Those guys are hilarious. Yeah.

It's my mentality. I understand. It's my mentality. You know how many fucking dummies I've met that tell me they could fight in the UFC? I know I could beat anybody. It's because of my mentality. I refuse to lose. That's the next one, Tommy.

I used to love head love head kicking those guys Are you cheat he'll I gouge you we fight the balls CM Punk will beat the fuck out of the both you guys at the same time of course Yeah, he might have got his ass kicked by Mickey Gall, but Mickeykey gall is a real fighter let's be clear here burt said that so yeah you can leave me out of this you don't think cm punk would beat your ass i'm dude i don't know enough i'm just joking i don't fucking know anything about cm punk i've never knew him when he was a famous yeah we should fight right yeah yeah let's fight no no i don't want to fight you let's see who can gain the most weight next no no no no no you guys gotta this gotta be like the new you yeah can you make this

happen though like what are you thinking after this is over you're gonna binge three six months that's what yeah yeah what if we weighed in April 1st and July 1st? So three months and then six months. Well, here's the thing. This is the right way to do it. And you and I talked about this. The right way to do this is you have a weigh-in every 12 weeks or every month for 12 months, every four weeks. And at the end of the year, you tally up a score, like a race to 12, like see who wins each month.

So the only way to really do it would be like you would have to actually lose body weight. You couldn't just dehydrate yourself every month and go under because if one of you keeps going, like, say if you guys had to do it, like if I was in on the challenge and you guys had to do it against me, i'm 19 pounds lighter than the heaviest or than the lightest guy right now so i would already have an advantage so if i just started losing more and more weight you would have to lose body weight in order to be in the race you can't just lose 19 pounds of body weight every month like that you wouldn't be able to do it so if you started today and then every month you guys had a weigh-in challenge the number would drop every month like it's 219 now. Next month it would probably be like 207.

Next month it would be like 210, you know, 201. And then you would keep going and going and going until you guys were skinny as fuck. You guys would be like bodybuilders by the end of the year. I don't think I – I mean I'm not saying – I'm sure I'd probably love being 186. Really? I mean I'm not – I wasn't about to say that. I was going to say I'm sure I'd probably love being 186. Really? I mean, I wasn't about to say that. I was going to say I'm sure I'd love it. But personally, I think 215 is a really great weight for me.

I know it's still overweight. But you don't want to be overweight, right? I don't want to be overweight, but I also don't want to look like this. I'd love to be fucking yoked. You don't want to look jacked. But I don't know if I have the fucking CrossFit I've been doing CrossFit and I had to stop because I was afraid I was building up

too much mass because you're putting on too much weight I was like this is a weight loss challenge any weight that comes in a muscle I don't want I'm just going to run my fucking ass off I thought the same thing like I said I've always done weight lifting like I've been at my heaviest

and like 6-8 weeks ago I was like oh it feels weird Like I said, I've always done weightlifting, like I've been at my heaviest. And like six, eight weeks ago, I was like, oh, I haven't touched. It feels weird. I actually feel somewhat like different that I haven't touched weights. Yeah, I mean, it makes a big difference. And the only way to keep the weight off while you're doing that, you'd have to do like lightweight low reps. Lightweight high reps, right? Yeah, I'm sorry. Lightweight high reps.

Yeah. And I thought about that. And I know some people are going to tell me like that's what you should have done you would have lost more but i kind of just picked it fuck anyone with any insights on weight loss that's a pedestrian like i hate when they go oh listen man if you're not eating a lot of calories your body's going to backfire start storing fat fuck you tell that to the kids in ethiopia well if you don't eat you fucking lose fucking weight. That's how that fucking works. If you burn more calories than you take in, your body has a certain reaction and

that's how that fucking works. He's gone in a scientific route though. He's put his body into a state of ketosis. Like he's cut out all the sugar and the carbs and now his body's burning fat. I think I might have done that too except for the vodka sodas. Yeah. They'll stop you from really getting into, except for the vodka sodas. Yeah. They'll stop you from really getting into ketosis,

the alcohol will. Do you have one of those sticks? You can piss on a stick and it'll tell you? Yeah, the piss sticks, yeah. This stuff, this is ketogenics. Oh, that's what we talked about. This is exogenous ketones. You take this stuff, it puts you into, like you could drink a fucking Dr. Pepper,

and then you take this stuff, and it'll put you into a state where your body's burning fat, not carbohydrates. Hold on. You're telling me if I put that in a state where your body's burning fat, not carbohydrates. Hold on. You're telling me if I put that in a vodka soda, it would just immediately burn that sugar? I'm telling you, if you take a vodka soda and then take this afterwards, I wouldn't mix the two of them together. I don't think that's smart. But drink this afterwards.

You're back on track? Oh, you do, yeah. Really? You'll get right back on track. Yeah, for sure. Tell that company to hit me up. No, they're not going to. Yeah, for sure.

Tell that company to hit me up. No, they're not going to. No, we're here for actual healthy people. Oh, yeah. We don't want to fucking work. Hey, guys. But you don't, this is where it's crazy. It's like you're on the door to looking great. Like you're right there and you're already ready to fucking go run back into the woods.

No. You're like at the door. Yes, you are. Like, you're right there, and you're already ready to fucking go run back into the woods. No. You're like, at the door. Yes, you are. You are. But your mindset is like, this is temporary. No, it's not temporary. But you guys have totally different mindsets. Like, your mindset is starve yourself.

Starve yourself. Go at it like a fucking savage. I mean, look, you had gloves. You came in here with gloves so your hands could sweat. Look, you wore gloves here. He's a maniac. And then Tom is- I did two miles yesterday, man.

That's it. You did two miles? Yeah, that's it. I did two miles in the Coliseum. Yeah. So there's totally different mindsets. Yours is extreme, short-term, but unsustainable. Everything he's doing is totally sustainable. I'm curious to see what it would be like if my body had 2, but unsustainable. Everything he's doing is totally sustainable.

I'm curious to see what it would be like if my body had 2,000 calories a day. But all that- But you can do that. But when you get down to a certain weight, you don't want that, because then your body is going to start eating its muscle. That's what happens when your body gets to a certain stage. That's what you have to understand about losing weight. If your body doesn't have the amount of protein that it needs, you start consuming your own

muscle. I've been eating proteins and greens. That's it. That's good. No carbs, no breads, no pastas. Beans is the only carb I've had. I've only had that twice in a month. You can up that a little bit.

Yeah, but when you think about, I'm only going to take in 2,000 calories a day. I'm going to do this. You will lose weight, but you also lose strength. You feel exhausted. Your body starts eating itself. I had that dinner last night, that big dinner last night, and when I got on the treadmill, I felt fucking phenomenal. Like I got on there and literally was like 10 miles or 7 miles.

Yeah, because you had a full rush of energy, sugar, everything from that. But that might have fucked you. You might have been two pounds lighter if you didn't do that. No shit. You might not do it tonight. I'm a man of impulse. Yeah, I noticed that. That that might have fucked you. You might have been two pounds lighter if you didn't do that. No shit. You might have. Do it tonight. I'm a man of impulse. Yeah, I noticed that.

That was my bet, though. I was betting on that. Yeah, that's the bet. The bet was, he was saying that you were just going to wait until the last minute and go crazy.

That's exactly what you did. I crammed. And I said that, by the way, a month ago. I knew that you were going to do this. But if your discipline wasn't on point, he still would have got you.

That's true. You got down to two of these fucking things. Yeah, that's true. Two little bottles of water, which is pretty amazing. Yeah. So you have to win tomorrow. To win, you have to be two and a half pounds or more less than me. Yeah.

So you might be able to lose even more. Like if you go fucking crazy today and you go Bert Kreischer So the thing is you guys have narrowed it down this victories down to 24 hours Yeah, so or less now, but if you go fucking crazy and go full Bert all day today Mm-hmm. He's almost like he can't catch you. He doesn't he doesn't have that gene Oh, but what is that long strand DNAna yeah mickey mantel gene this nonsense gene this is this is just discipline it's the thing like it like i've thought about this a lot the thing that makes this contest interesting is also the reason we like each other because he is very

even keeled and i am fucking all over the map yeah i'm kind of a combination of the both of you guys you definitely you have a you have you have the both of you guys. You definitely, you have the same brain I have about like the way you shoot bows and arrows and you're like, that's right, I'll just do that for three hours until I maybe need shoulder surgery, you know? Like, and, or the way you shoot pool. Like you're very, like you get

obsessed with things. You're like, that's why I can't fuck with drawing anymore because I get obsessed with it. I get like that. Tom's so even killed, like the perfect example of our relationship is that first day we were in Hawaii and I shaved your tits yeah and it is the funniest joke it is the funniest fucking thing I've ever been a part of in my life and he goes to Hawaii and he's like and he's out there I go oh man you know tom's hair i go hey why don't i shave your back for you and he's like you think yeah and so i start yeah i start put the volume on this this is just oh don't put the volume you can hear music on it and right good friends charlie and

laurel stand by in support and you're shaving yeah tom's back i'm shaving his back and then at some point in this and you can just skip ahead at some point in this, and you can just skip ahead. At some point in this, I realize that Tom's tit hair connects with his underarm hair. And I go, hey, buddy, pause right there. I realize, I go, hey, man, let me hollow that out for you. I go, you know, what I'll do is I'll trim out. Contour it. Contour it.

And make it so your tit has defined hair and your underarm has defined hair, but they're not connected like a werewolf. And then I'll Caesar out your breasts. Like I'll do a Caesar. I'll comb it down and I'll line it up so it looks like you're defined. And he sold it like real serious. I was like, okay. And by the way, you've got Tom's earnest face staring at me as I do this. And I'm close to it and I'm looking at him and I'm trimming it. And then as I pull back, I still see Tom's earnest face going, does it look good?

And all I see, it looks like his tits are wearing sunglasses. And I realize this is our first of like seven days in Hawaii and he's got to look like this the whole fucking time. And I've never seen him laugh this hard. I thought I was having a stroke. It looks good. You know what's interesting? Bert, you have less body hair back then.

Yeah, I know. You've gained body hair as you got older. That's even weirder. What year is this? Oh, eight. How have you gained so much body hair in eight years? I don't know. Yeah, it's weird.

Wait, look at how serious Tom is. Look at how serious Tom is. Are you going to throw up? Look at him. Watch him. Watch him. It looks terrible. Let me see.

It's why people shave their cocks, because it makes their cock look bigger. You shaved my titty, so now I'm going to have bigger titties. Make a difference. Look, now I've got to walk right back. So what you did is you shaved under it, but you left the hair above it. So it's like you have like breastplates. Yeah, it's like breastplates. I've never laughed that hard.

That whole trip is probably, that's when me, Tom, and Push, and Leanne became friends. Well, that's when I knew we could be friends is because then our wives became good friends. Buddies. Yeah. That is hilarious what you did there. Look at that. wives became buddies yeah that is that's the key what you did there that one looks normal so tom what year did you come to la oh two so in six years you put on all that weight yeah but i also i that's how i graduated high school and went into college like that weight. And then I lost all that weight.

How'd you do that? Diet and exercise. Really? Yeah. And then what made you abandon it? It was slow. It was a slow crawl. Like I got here.

I remember when I was working the night shift at a post production place, it was like all of a sudden, I mean, it wasn't all of a sudden, but like, you know, late night food, late night food,

really weird hours, like staying up till four a.m doing the graveyard shift and then going to bed and all of a sudden you're like i'm 225 oh shit i thought it was 205 like you know i mean like you put on 20 pounds over the course of like a you know a couple shows in production right then you're not even thinking about it and then then at that point, 225 rolls into 230 real easy. It's a slow thing, but it took... I would say I got here in 2002. By 2005, I was 225. Now you don't seem to be looking at it the same way he's looking at it. He's looking at it like this is a race.

You hit the finish line and then you gorge and then the fucking party's over you seem to be like adjusting your life well i think i mean i definitely want to have a new like ceiling of what is you know an acceptable weight and and i i definitely feel like this is a very livable way what i've been doing like for the last few months i mean this last week is a little crazier obviously but the last few the last month has been it hasn't been that that difficult to what like how much weight have you been losing a month have you been noticing yeah I mean this has been about 10 pounds to 12 pounds a month that's a lot but it, but it's doable. It's doable. And it's not, I'm not, I'm not killing myself suffering to do it. Like I'm just on top of the eating and I just, I do, I've been doing

cardio about six days a week. Now, if you get to a certain point, what do you do? Like, are you going to like eat more? Like what, when, what, what's the weight where you go, okay, I don't want to lose any more weight. I think it's less about the number, even though we get so obsessed with the numbers, than the way you feel about it. Right, especially if you start lifting weights again, and you put on a little bit of weight, but your body fat's lower. Yeah, so I'm trying not to be obsessed with the number, but I know I would want to lose, if we were talking about the number,

like 15 to 20 more pounds, which I think is... Wow. Really? I think so. I'd like to lose more pounds which i think is wow really i think so i like to lose six pounds six more i'd like to i'd like to get to 215 and then maintain and eat healthy and eat clean yeah but i also you know i mean i can't lie about this and say this is a lifestyle like the people on the biggest loser legit i love i love fucking hot wings i love hot wings i love buffalo wild wings and i love the feeling of like like I

remember I told you a long time ago that my weight loss program was to stop eating appetizers but like appetizers I love when someone's like make it rain appetizers I love that feeling and I and I I miss blimpy sandwiches I miss pizza my girls been eating pizza and I've been eating cauliflower pizza which I like but what's cauliflower pizza oh's good. You take a 12 ounces of cauliflower. You steam it in the microwave for like four minutes. You dry it out. You put one egg in there, a third cup of mozzarella, like a fourth cup of Parmesan and you put it into a, that's your crust.

And then you put it in the oven and it's very, every slice is very low calories cause it's cauliflower. All you're really eating is like a portion of an egg and some mozzarella. It's really fucking good. Um, I'll, I'll make something if you want and bring it in tomorrow and we can try it. Hmm. Yeah you're really eating is like a portion of an egg and some mozzarella. It's really fucking good. I'll make something if you want, and I'm bringing it in tomorrow, and we can try it. Yeah, I'll try that.

I think after a while, though, you... I mean, I don't miss that many things, you know, food-wise. The really hard thing for people is a shift in the way you live. The shift. Yeah. Shift what you think about.

I have a waffle date tomorrow with my wife. You guys are having waffles? Where are you going to go? I found a place that... In the morning? First thing in the morning? Yeah, right before the win. So wait, you really didn't eat those cookies at all? Not even. I didn't even open the box.

He sent me cookies. Discipline. I sent him cookies. Discipline wins races. Impulse doesn't win races. Impulse does. Impulse wins races. Impulse doesn't win races. Impulse does. Impulse wins races. But it didn't win today. I know, but it definitely shocked the crowd.

Impulses get results, but they don't get the best results. The best results are gone through discipline. My managers got pissed about this whole weight loss thing. Why? Because I'm in the middle of a scripted deal and I wasn't sending in scripts I was just fucking around with Tom and they're like They're like they called Leanne they're like hey he needs to like they call your wife Yeah, they're like back the fuck off of that

They're like hey, what's Burt is like seems to be obsessed about this weight loss thing like we've got a TV show We're trying to make like and Leanne's like oh you don't understand Burt like he will never work on this TV show If you don't if you don't respect the fact that this is what he's focused on so what I was doing was I was I was Setting up accounts it didn't work out right, but I was setting up accounts at different food places So they could that fans could send Tom food And I was like I wasted a whole day, and then I sent him these cookies that were amazing I said I sent him to my daughters. They loved him I sent him from the rock to Tom and Tom didn't even eat them. He just gave them to the fucking people working on his brand new $3 million

house. But they're good cookies. I want to try them when I get done. Yeah. You see, you're already thinking about wings and cookies and pizza and this and gorging and drinking. But I'm also thinking about long strand DNA, Mickey Mantle

gene. I could fight anybody. I got that mentality, bro. I just can't lose. I'm different. Everybody wants to think they're different. But everybody does. Everybody does. Including the people that you think you're different from, they think they're different.

Everybody thinks they're different. That's what gets people knocked the fuck out. That's hashtag fear the return. Yeah. That's what that is. No, I'm not saying- For real, that's like Ronda Rousey's idea was that she's different than everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? Everybody, I'm the best in the world. Like, the people love to have that. For sure. And sometimes you win, and you really do feel like you are that. But the reality is, you are a skeleton and some fucking cells, and you're run by a central nervous system, and your brain has a whole bunch of defense mechanisms that are designed to protect you from reality.

And one of those is that it decides, I'm different than these motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm different. Don't you fucking agree with him just because you're sitting there? But you know it's true. I know that.

I know that's how you think. I know you think that. But it is. It's a real, it's a problem. I knew that he was going to be like, I'm going to run 28 miles. Well, how many people do you know, especially beautiful girls, how many beautiful girls just think they're fucking special because they're super?

We were talking about that today, about the horror and the danger of daddies, especially that kind of push the princess ideal on their girls and that make them think that they're so special. And then that girl kind of seeks that out, you know, and believes that. And then what the type of guy that does go for that usually, if he's romantically is basically a paternal figure to that girl.

If he's going to still see her as a princess, you know, princesses are weird. It's weird. That is a weird thing that everybody wants to be a princess. It's so weird. And you see, you start to see that it's fucked up.

Actually. I remember being in high school and like seeing girls who are like, I'm the most special. And you go like, you better respect that. I'm the most special. Yeah. If you don't,

someone will. And I'm going to find that guy. Yeah. And that'll be a second daddy. I am more important than anything in your life. Period. You have to carve out time for me. You've had that speech, huh? Oh, yeah, the carve out time for me speech.

I ran into a chick one time that I think you'd had relations with. How dare you? Let's not even discuss it then. Off the air. How dare you? Let's not even discuss it then. Off the air. I've had too many bad situations in my life where someone thinks they're special.

Yeah. It gets to, at a certain point in time, you have to blame yourself for getting involved with those people, though. Let's work this backwards. I think Cameron Haynes, the ability that he can run those ultra marathons, that's special. Yeah, but if you meet that guy, let me tell you something. He would be the last person to call himself special. He's all discipline. We could agree that him, a guy like him, or like Conor McGregor. Let me give you a Cameron Haynes speech.

Cameron Haynes is about 180 plus, like lift and weights, all that jazz. And he wanted to run the 200 miles. 180 plus, okay, like lifting weights, all that jazz. And he wanted to run the 200 miles. So what he did was he got down to 165, and the way he did it was burning 3,000 calories, eating 2,000 calories. So he never stopped working out. He was running like a fucking maniac, and he let his body eat itself.

So he just shrunk. Like I watched it happen. He looks different. He looks very, very skinny, but still yoked a little. He's a little thicker now, put on a little bit more weight. But when he was running the 205 miles, when he ran that

Bigfoot, 78 fucking hours, ran 205 miles. I couldn't do that. Exactly. That's a discipline thing. That's the difference between that long strand DNA. Stop! Oh, Mickey Mantle over here! The people that think they're

special, and a guy like him, he doesn't think he's special at all. He thinks the only thing about him that separates him from everybody else is that he works harder. That's it. But how does one do a hundred mile? I mean, like, I don't even... He's a maniac. Well, you start off... Doesn't your body break the fuck down? He's talked about it, how he started off, like, doing, like, I don't even... He's a maniac. Well, you start off... Doesn't your body break the fuck down?

He's talked about it, how he started off, like, doing, like, 10Ks, you know, and then, you know, you feel like, wow, maybe I should do a marathon. And then you start doing a marathon. Yeah. And then you do a marathon, and then, well, I want to win a marathon. And then you start, you beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's a fucking animal, dude.

You know that I did a 10K on accident? How did you do it? Dude, I went to Cincinnati for... I have a visual of you with all your bags off the plane and everyone's running and you start running with them and you drop your bag and go, where are we going? Where are we going? Why am I doing this? I went to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving and not this year.

It was a couple of years back and I got there, and most of my cousins and our stuff are pretty fit. And they're like, hey, we're doing the 10K tomorrow, and then we'll regroup, and then we'll come over here, and then we'll go over to this aunt's house. And I was like, oh, yeah, do you want to do it? group and then we'll come over here and then we'll go over to this aunt's house and i was like oh yeah like do you want to do it and i didn't have the um like just admit that i didn't know what a 10k was so i just said yeah i didn't realize what i was doing and i was like yeah i'll do that and then i showed up with 0.0 training like nothing nothing. And I just go and I was like, how far is this? And they're like, it's about 3.1 miles. And I was like, oh shit, because I'm 250 pounds at the time.

And I was like, this is going to be bad, right? And I just, the thing is like the crowd helps, you know, because there's so many people. But there's stretches where there's nobody. Yeah, there's stretches where there's nobody. Yeah, there's stretches where there's nobody. And the thing, like I finished it and I was like, wow, you know, I thought, I felt like I ran two marathons,

you know, like it was so much further than I had run since fucking middle school. It's like six miles. I think it was. It's six miles. Is it six?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, oh, five case three one, a 10 case six. Yeah, so I did fucking six miles. And then it was that the next couple days agony pains i've never like in the hips you know like hip pains and uh we tried to go to a

movie like as a family group and i couldn't sit i was like i got i gotta i gotta get out of here like oh my god because the pain was just like i couldn couldn't move, man. You got to build up to stuff. Me and Fultron were in. It was a shock 10K. Me and Fultron were in Omaha. And I go on, I'm trying to be healthy. And I go on radio and I said, I'm looking for a 5K. If anyone's got a 5K, hit me up. I'm going to run it this weekend.

And so this guy reaches out to me and he's like, hey, I got a brewery 5K. I was like, right up my alley. So I hit up Fultron Friday night and he goes, tomorrow morning we're running a brewery 5K. And Fultron's like, what? We like run from brewery to brewery 5K. I was like, right up my alley. So I hit up Fultron Friday night, and I go, tomorrow morning we're running a brewery 5K. And Fultron's like, what, we run from brewery to brewery? I go, yeah, you run brewery to brewery. It's like a bar crawl, but you kill beers the whole time. It's perfect. Have like five beers, run a 5K, go home, take a nap, do two shows.

This will be great. My favorite part is that he goes, perfect. Like, that sounds ideal to anybody. So horrible. perfect like that sounds ideal to anybody so horrible so full trial and i get there and uh and everyone's at the everyone's at the brewery and everyone's drinking and we're like fuck it let's start killing beers now it's like 10 in the morning races at like noon yeah so we start killing beers we have like five beers and then we're like all right everyone line up and we line up we notice that everyone's dressing like hardcore sports gear and we're not we're like

god damn it man they're really taking this serious and we're like what's the first bar we line up and we notice that everyone's dressed in like hardcore sports gear and we're not and we're like god damn it man they're really taking this serious and we're like what's the first bar we stop at and they're like no bar it's a fucking 5k and so Fultron and I did a 5k drunk at like a noon and by the way we beat half of the fucking field. Drunk.

Drunk. So the brewery was just that's where it started at the brewery and it ended at the brewery it was a big circle to the brewery. Did everybody else drink, too? No one drank except for us. Everyone's like, man, you're really putting them back. We're like, well, I want to be a part of the team. Well, you were probably fueled up.

I mean, there's a lot of calories in beer, and there's also carbohydrates, you know, all the wheat and barley and all that jazz. The very beginning when they shoot the gun. Perfect fuel for a race. But don't people do that? Yeah. You're a runner. Don't people, after running, don't they like to drink beer for recovery?

No, I absolutely don't think so. They used to do it. Google it. Google it. Google drinking beer for recovery post-workout. They used to do it in the Tour de France. Really? In the Tour de France, they would stop and drink big, heavy beers.

Yeah, I would imagine there's a lot of calories in that. A lot of calories. I think it thins your blood. It would imagine there's a lot of calories in that. A lot of calories, I think it thins your blood. It would make you crash a little bit, though. It would drain you. I definitely don't feel like working out when I'm drunk. Are you serious? I've done it.

Wait, tell us about Coke working out. We forgot about that. Is that good? Yeah, it's really amazing. Here we go. The health benefits. Here are a few reasons to justify a pint or two after your run. The health benefits of beer. Make that a little larger, please, so I can get that.

Although most runners agree that beer is not exactly a health food, there's good news for those of us who like to imbibe. Downing a few cold ones as you're heading out the door for a run is obviously not the best choice, but beer in moderation can be a perfectly acceptable option for

after a run or on non-training days. Hmm. There you go. Yeah. One of my favorite things doing is on the road, especially when I was working on travel channels, going right back to the hotel after dinner and after drinking and getting into the gym and working out. Really? I loved it.

I loved getting on the treadmill with a glass. I've talked to you about this. I would like to know what drunk feels like to you. It's very different than what it feels like to everyone else. Yeah? Yeah, and I had a conversation, oddly enough, with a 10-year-old yesterday about being hungover. Let me tell you how it's done. He was like, don't you feel sick?

That's the other problem I have is I don't really feel sick after I drink. I don't get hungover. You're a good drunk, by the way. That's the other problem is no one can ever tell I'm drunk. I remember one time when we were in Hawaii, actually, I remember specifically that he had been drinking for like 15 hours. And it was like so many beers and then liquor and then beers. And he's in our room.

And I was like, dude, how are you not, you're okay? He's like, I'm fucking hammered. I was like, but you look fine. He's like, oh, definitely not even close to fine right now. But if he didn't tell me that, I would not know anything. As my wife always says, I cannot tell when you've been drinking. Because it's every day. No.

That's the other thing. I think there's a lot of you know the pump of what I am I think people think I'm one thing

I'm not how often do you drink booze how many days a week not right now not at all but but you say vodka sodas yeah but

people even if I if I go on stage I went on stage one time in Philly I didn't feel well and I just brought a soda water on stage

and everyone's like kill it and I was like there's nothing in it and a soda water on stage right and everyone's like kill it I was like there's nothing in it, and then they're like oh really and you're like yeah They're like oh, we thought you were hammered. You're like no. I'm just a regular. I don't like going on stage drunk personally I don't like being drunk on stage. I like I like stand-up comedy That's what I got into but it's also part of my personality is Everything is a joke. I want people to be entertained like this whole weight loss thing supposed to be fun I want people to get a kick out of it.

I could definitely have stopped drinking and been a bore and just been like, I think I could definitely take him. But I like the fun of just going, fuck it, I'm going balls to the wall. I'm sure it's fun. But how many days a week do you think you drink? Definitely three. That just it? No.

No, but I'm saying definitely three. So you drink less than you don't drink? No, So you drink less than you don't drink. No, I probably drink more than I don't drink. So that's not three. Well, yeah, this feels like an intervention. No, I'm just curious. Probably... Bert, I remember when we were the closest of friends.

I remember... He's reading like a poem. Shit. You were a good father, and I loved seeing you playing with your children. Let's take a look at this week. I drank New Year's Eve, but I wanted to. I only had two drinks, and I spent the night in a hotel. I didn't want to drive home because I thought the roads would be crazy.

So I drank New Year's Eve, didn't drink yesterday at the Rams game, didn't drink today, I'll drink tomorrow. And then I get on a plane to New Jersey on the Stress Factory, I'll drink tomorrow. And then I get on a plane to New Jersey on the Stress Factory. I'll drink there. So maybe I'll drink five of the seven nights or four of the seven nights, five. But that's an unusual day because you're cutting back in order to lose weight. Yeah, but if I'm home with the girls, there's no reason for me to drink. Right.

Like if I'm home, I like a good night's sleep. I like waking up and being active. I like going ice skating with them. I me to drink. Right. Like if I'm home, I like a good night's sleep. I like waking up and being active. I like going ice skating with them. I want to do a podcast. You know, a lot of times people come on my podcast and be like, I want to do a shot with a machine. And you're like, I never not let them have that. So of course, and I count that as a drinking day,

but I'll have one shot. But that wouldn't affect me. It doesn't, I don't know. And I'm different. It's like how often do you smoke pot? You like to think that though. No, I'm different. That different thing. I'm like, I'm different how often do you smoke pot? I'm different I'm different than everybody doesn't everyone think they're fucking different?

I definitely don't I hate to be the one to tell you this you're the most different human being that any of us fucking know and there you go, I'm not even different so there you go are you going to sit here and let Joe tell how many podcasts do you do a week? how much jujitsu? how much working out? And there you go. And I'm not even different. So there you go. Are you going to sit here and let Joe tell...

How many podcasts do you do a week? How much jujitsu? How much working out? How much stand-up? Your productivity rate is off the charts. You're amazing, dude. Everyone says, how does Rogan do it? And I just go, he's different.

You are different than me. I do it to keep from going crazy. But it's my mental problem is that if I don't have things to do, I'm not happy. Like, I don't... I just figured out a long time ago ago in order for me to be happy i have to be exhausted and busy yeah right i have to be burnt out from working out like not burnt out but i have to even myself out like and i have to have puzzles i have things to solve that's a good thing i think being busy makes definitely me feel better. Yeah, you feel like you're getting, the worst feeling is I'm feeling like a lazy bitch that's not doing shit.

Your level, honestly though, and he's right, it does seem off the charts. To do three hour podcasts, do jujitsu, do your bow hunting, hunting do fucking pool be with your family every night be having new material at the store like i don't think i've seen you repeat anything at the store in the fucking past month i've been there like it's off the charts well that's just because i just did a special you know once i released a special yeah me too i'm still doing the same shit yeah you gotta chip away at new stuff or people get mad at you you know yeah but i'm still doing the new stuff i'm working on new stuff away at new stuff or people get mad at you. Yeah, but I'm still doing the new stuff. I'm working on new stuff. I see brand new stuff

every fucking time. You are, look. Gotta write, buddy. Gotta write. I don't write like that. Discipline. I do too. I write the other way too. I feel like you have to write like that. I think a lot of people, I mean, I don't tell people what to do because a lot of people don't like to write this way, but I feel like this, sitting out in front of a fucking computer with nothing but writing on my mind, it enhances my ability to write on stage.

And it gives me tools that I can use to ad lib and do it the other way as well. I think that's true. So there's a thing that people say, oh, I write on stage. Well, I do too. I do who? Everybody does. A lot of people write on stage. But I think you should

write in front of a fucking notebook too i have a hard time with that everybody does i do too no but i mean like i mean it doesn't it doesn't inspire me creatively to sit you don't it's because you got to do it it's like a discipline no i've done it i've i've definitely done it it just like for me if i i'm being dead serious if i take a walk my brain will start working that's fine too as long as you dedicate specific time to writing. I mean, if it's just like a walking thing and then you talk into a microphone, that to me is, you know, you can call it writing. Like if I'm sitting in front of a computer, I'm writing in air quotes. But if you're walking and you talk to your phone, you have an idea and you record it, that's writing, too.

It's just creativity. Yeah, I do that. But you have to, my thinking is the more time you spend forcing yourself, like right now is the desperate times because my special was just released and I'm doing, you know, I did New Year's and I'm doing these big shows and I'm doing an hour and I got to have new fucking shit. And some of it is on like cult legs. Some of my new materials are like, some of it's alive. Some of it's killing.

Some of it's like new stuff that's doing really well. And other stuff is like, every time I do it, it's like, is it going to work tonight? Am I going to find a new way to do it? Am I going to? And then sometimes out of nowhere, I'm just taking a chance and I'm going the wrong way. I take a chance and I start talking. I'll do the punchline first or I'll do this part, you know, the strongest part of it leading into the weakest part of it. Like for no reason.

I just take this crazy chance to try. And I know while I'm doing it, I'm like, fuck. Yeah. How are you going to dig yourself out of this hole? But that's what gets you through it. Well, the only way that gets you through it is like a lot of sets. Yeah. You just got to keep hammering sets.

And then every mistake you make from that you apply to the next set and then six months down the line you have a real hour that you can put in a special no wait let's talk about that then real quickly because uh i agree with you i think i think you got to be on stage and be doing it like that's why i love weekends at clubs because you get six sets in they're the best and you're like i got it i've said that to my my manager recently I'm like what I want to do like they're like they want to book me because I can sell out these big ass places now I'm like I want to do clubs I want to do more clubs like right especially right right now I want to do four shows in a weekend you know I want to do shows that's the way to do it man those four shows in a 200 seat room

yeah that's that's where it's at but let's talk timeline with both of you guys, because I think you've done, what, three hours now? I've recorded for, so I'm working on my fifth. But do you think six months is too quick to turn around an hour? For production, yes. No, no, I meant meaning for you writing-wise, because right now I have a new hour, but I go, I don't know, I feel like I want it to breathe.

I want to give it another eight months and see how good it is. That's what I would do. Let it grow. Because I don't know about- What are you guys doing Wednesday? Are you guys around on Wednesday? I fly to New Jersey. What are you doing?

Want to do the Ice House if you're around? Yeah. What is it, 10? Wednesday. You, me, and Ron White. Holla. Holla at your boy. Oh, shit, bitches.

Fuck. I'll see you guys at Stress Factory. Stress Factory's awesome I'm in Kansas City this weekend Oh When do you leave? Thursday Are you doing Helium?

No Kansas City? Yeah That's in St. Louis I thought they have a Helium in Kansas City No I'm doing the improv Oh improv Kansas City

I'm doing the Wilbur January 21st So if you'd like to come see me in a theater Which is very seldom I'm not a big theater guy Because because I don't think my act translates. Oh, that's a way to sell tickets, Bert. Well, the Wilbur's the best theater ever, because it's super shallow. Oh, really? Because there's three stacks.

It's like having three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other. It's amazing. It's awesome. The Wilbur in Boston is fucking amazing. Well, go get tickets, guys. January 21st, I'll be there. That's a good spot. All right, let's wrap this bitch up.

So tomorrow, 11 o'clock in the morning, we're going to find out, is it going to be the water champ or is it going to be the machine? The machinist. The machinist. So tune in tomorrow. Hashtag who is fat week. Do we shave the beard right away? Oh, fuck yeah.

Start it off. And then we party. Well, I'm going to bring in. Oh, if I'm fucking beardless. I actually purchased a electric shaver. So I'm bringing in a brand new electric shaver. We'll pop it out so nobody has to worry about AIDS. Like trimmers?

Yeah. Put the clipper thing on it. I bought a, I ordered a barber's cape. Oh, beautiful. Hey, do you have a sponsorship for Dollar Shave Club tomorrow? Yes, I do. Well, Dollar Shave Club is my sponsor. It sponsors the podcast, but we'll give them a free one tomorrow.

I've always wanted to use their razors. I've had them on my podcast. Oh, you're going to. They're fucking tomorrow. I've always wanted to use their razors. I had them on my podcast. Oh, you're going to. They're fucking great. You're fucking going to. The razors are great. Do you like how I've already submitted? Yeah, you're going to.

I've got this stuff called Dr. Carver's Easy Shave Butter. Have you ever used that? No, I've never. I haven't shaved in 12 years. Oh, that's right. You haven't. What about your balls? No?

You know what? I got so fat, it was a lot of guesswork, so I stopped. And on that note, ladies and ladies and gentlemen tomorrow 11 a.m pacific we will see you bye love you by the way that was one of the best podcasts i've ever been