The Joe Rogan Experience - #895 - #WhoIsFat - Day 2

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

Joe is joined by Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer for Day 2 weigh-in of their weight loss challenge.

If you have Jamie, hashtag who is fat, hashtag who is fat. Did you tweet it? Yeah. That's what's up. We're live. We're live in front of three Tonino's pizzas. If you're in Woodland Hills, California, I highly recommend Tonino's. Get a smell off of that bitch.

Get a smell off of that bitch. I smelled it when I came in. Oh my god. They're legit as fuck. No affiliation, no sponsorship. They're just good pizza. All right, folks. to just good pizza. Alright, folks. Today's day two. If you didn't tune in to day one,

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer made a bet. The bet is whoever can lose the most weight over what was going to be over a three-day challenge. It's been reduced to a two-day challenge. Thank fucking God. Yeah, and Tom got down from 267 to 219,

which is fucking staggering. So how about a nice round of applause for Tom winning yesterday? And how about a round of applause for Bert? 221, pretty fucking close and staggering as well. Both of you guys, amazing job. So today is day two. I know you're burnt out. You're dehydrated.

Totally, man. So let's just cut the shit and get right to the weigh-ins. We're going right to the fucking weigh-in. Let's do it. I should weigh in first because I have a feeling that... Okay, don't be a pussy. Don't be scared. Okay, folks.

Jesus. Oh, and by the way, we did the height tests because Ari Shafir, who was supposed to pay if they got below 227, Ari's supposed to pay for their trip. The loser has to shave their beard, and the loser has to pay for the winner's trip of their choice, unless they can get down to $227,000, in which Ari Shafir agreed that he was going to pay. But now Ari is balking, and he's saying that their height has to be measured, because the body mass index would indicate that they have to be a certain height or they're obese. It was really weird.

So we tested the heights, okay? Tom is just under 6 feet tall. And for all you assholes that say I'm 5'2", we tested me too. I'm 5'8", and I've got cunt hair. And Bert is taller than Tom, so Bert's good. You're about 6'1". So the body mass index, I think... Dude, you look good.

Get on here. Get on here. All right, so Bert was at 221 yesterday. You look significantly thinner today. I feel hurt. Okay, he's hurting. Let's see. He's getting on the scale.

220. Fuck me. 220 for Bert. For one pound? One pound less. One fucking pound? I think Tommy's got it here. Let's see here.

Fuck. Say goodbye to my beard. Say goodbye to Hollywood. He's going to Paris for a soccer game. Please have gained weight. You fucking dick! 216! Tom gets it running

away, ladies and gentlemen. We have a winner in the hashtag WhoIsFat contest. The winner is Tom Segura down to 216 fucking pounds. Outrageous. Outrageous. Outrageous.

Coconut water, C2O coconut water must be consumed now. Get those electrolytes in your system. Boys, well done. Well done. Amazing effort. It's not easy to lose weight. It's really not easy to lose it the way you guys did it two days in a row. Man, crazy shit.

Today was the hardest workout I've ever had i ran eight miles lost one fucking pound that's crazy that's it i think my body was like in shock that's what happens that's what happens to fighters it shuts down so have a seat guys pull it off i've been thinking about that drink this entire fucking day we We got a beard trimmer over there charging up. You should probably shave your beard after you have some pizza. Yeah. I mean, live a little. I'm going to have a hard time eating pizza with this fat fucking face.

It's not going to look good. How do you last that weight, man? You're not so fat. Yeah, you look pretty fucking skinny today, man. You do look significantly skinnier today. I don't know, man. I think you were a little distended yesterday with that pulled pork in your stomach from the night before. The night before the weigh-ins?

Weigh-ins, collard greens, pulled pork. Yeah, well, he got you, Bert. You know what I want, though, seriously? What? It's that long-strand DNA. Oh, you have that long-strand DNA? I have that Mickey Mantle gene. You got that Mickey Mantle gene?

You got that Mickey Mantle gene? I got to be honest with you, Derek Jeter, you showed a little Mickey Mantle today. How did you get down to 216? What did you do different? Do you know what's so funny? You lost another three. He said something in passing, and that's what I did. What?

But I just didn't acknowledge it. He goes, should we go to Burke Williams and just sweated out in the spa. That's what I've been doing for two days. I put alboline all over my body. Ooh, that's good. And then I just sat in the steam room. Yesterday and today? Mm-hmm.

Good move. Yep. Wow. Here I am running fucking 10 miles. So you didn't, uh, you didn't drink any water, nothing? No. I did hot bath last night. I did a hot bath last night. I did a two and a half mile track last night.

Oh, wow. Then I did a... Well, I'm saying, like, that's what I... I built up a sweat doing that. Then I recovered no water. Then hot bath, alboline everywhere. No water at all? Not even a little sip?

I took a sip before bed. After the hot bath. Jesus Christ. Are you serious? Yeah, but I've also had nothing but distilled water for about six days. Wait, what's the benefits

of distilled water? There's no minerals or anything. It goes right through your body. It's easier to sweat out. Your body doesn't like to retain it, apparently. A lot of fighters do that before they cut weight.

I was so prepared to laugh my ass off at seeing Burt walk into the spa this morning. I was waiting for it. Dude, I... Because he said it. I was like, he's going to be there in the morning.

I thought I reserved spa time at Burke Williams in Sherman Oaks. Both days, I was like, you know what? It's better for me to work it out. Like, I was like, I'll be healthy. I'll work it out. And I'll sweat it out. And then, like, mile five, I stopped sweating. Well, here's the thing about this whole working it out stuff.

You're not losing any fat over the next day. You know, like, it's really just dehydration. And you might have been better off just sweating it out than running it out. Well, I knew I hit my baseline. I mean, I wasn't doing this week leading up to it. I just did it night before weigh-ins. Right. Or morning before, you know? Yeah, that's week leading up to it. I just did it night before weigh-ins. Right.

Or morning before, you know? Yeah, that's the way to do it. Did you weigh yourself when you got to Burke Williams? No, they didn't have a scale there. Oh, fuck. No, but I weighed myself when I woke up. How do they not have a scale at a spa? I don't know. I would have definitely weighed myself there and then.

I knew what I weighed when I woke up yesterday, and then I knew what I weighed here, and I knew what I weighed when I woke up yesterday and then I knew what I weighed here and I knew what I had done to cut that weight. So I just kind of repeated that. Well, I'll tell you right now, I feel like I was bested all around because there's no way I could have gotten to

I would have had to gotten to 214 to win. Yeah. I couldn't have done that. You would have to go below that because you would have to lose by more than two pounds. You had to lose more than two pounds because he beat you by two pounds yesterday. So it would have to be like more than that. Well, it's clear now

because you won both. There's no controversy. How you feeling, bro? I feel great. I want to give a shout out to God without him and none of this is possible. And then Jake Smith. Thank you, possible. And then Jake Smith. Thank you, Jake. Who's Jake?

He's a fighter who gave me all this insight on how to prep for this. Oh, cool, Jake. Cool, Jake. Go fuck yourself, Jake Smith. Shout out to... Pizza, anybody? Oh, my God. Can you do this?

Fuck yeah, I can do this. Do you want pepperoni or do you want pepperoni and mushrooms? Pepperoni. All right, get in there, boys. Get in there. Jesus Christ, Tommy, you think you'd have eaten in two days. Both of you guys haven't eaten in... Well, Tommy has been eating clean for a long-ass fucking time, not just two days.

I haven't had pizza in fucking forever. Get us some... Yeah, there you go. Young Jamie on the ball with paper towels. This is some legit pizza, too, by the way. Oh, fuck. Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, yeah. This is one of the rare times I think it's okay to eat pizza into the microphone. Mmm. Because people need to appreciate the sacrifice that you two went through as I eat pizza. The last few hours were really the fucking worst, man. Really?

I mean, from waking up. First of all, I woke up with cramps at 3.30. Bad. Bad, like behind the knee here on the outside. And then a little calf cramp. That kept me up for like 40 minutes. considered like you know you start thinking about maybe I should drink some water and yeah it's a dehydration clamp yeah you think you know you could drag a whole one of these and you still would have won by three

pounds well I didn't even you probably could rank four of them and still one I was just like fuck and then you go then I was just counting down the hours so i spent the you know i get my son with christine i always spend time with them do breakfast i'd look and it'd be like 7 30. i was like oh 8 30 9 30 just counting it down man and then in that in that spa sweating out doing like 10 minutes in, five minutes out, 10 minutes in, five minutes out. And then I'm in there alone, and the attendant comes in with a big glass of cold.

He's like, I thought you might want a glass of water. And he handed me a cold glass of water. Motherfucker. And you look like a psycho pouring it out. Oh, well, I waited for him to leave, and I threw it away. Like, angrily threw it away. Just pissed that I can't drink it. Yeah, I was fucking losing my mind.

You really get to the place, like today on the treadmill, I was literally chewing ice and spitting it out into a shirt, and I thought, I know what those people feel like when they dive deeper in the ocean. They go, there's fresh water 10 feet below. You know those people that lose their minds out at sea? You ever heard of those people? No. They think there's fresh water 10 feet below. You know those people that lose their minds out to sea? You ever heard of those people? No. They think there's fresh water below the ocean water?

Yeah, people who are stranded at sea. You always hear the guy that's like, he jumps in and he's like, guys, there's fresh water 10 feet below. And they dive down below and drink seawater and die. Go crazy. I know that feeling. Like, I don't know it to that extent. But, man, I could empathize with it on that treadmill today. I was i was like i just want i just want to cheat i want water i want water so fucking bad can you imagine the mind fuck of being surrounded by water as far as the eye can see

and you're dying of thirst i remember that remember i survived that that series yeah man it's phenomenal if people haven't seen it they did a series where people who are in like extreme life-threatening near-death situations and made it like sometimes they were you know kidnapped assaulted sometimes they're an accident sometimes they're stranded at sea and there was one where this guy they were stranded stranded off somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. And boat overturns. And it's just this guy and his buddy. And he said, like, you know, he's telling the story. And as it progresses, he's seeing his friend kind of slip away. And the friend eventually drinks ocean water. And he's telling him not to do it, but he's so far gone.

And then it just accelerates the friend's death, and the friend died. What happens when you drink ocean water? You go crazy. Your body craves more water. It's just, I think, I think it makes you actually go crazy. Whoa. I've seen it. I think growing up in Florida, you always hear stories of people.

Well, it has the opposite effect. It doesn't hydrate you. How crazy is that? Just a little salt. Anybody want more pizza? You know you do, bitch. Get in there. It's one day.

Come on, Tom. You already won. It's one day, bitch. I'm fat. You're not. I'm so fat. You lost a lot of weight, Bert. Plus, you're an inch taller.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're super tall. I'll take that one. Thanks, buddy. Sure. Pizza's so good. This pizza's so good. This pizza really is phenomenal.

So how do we shame Ari if he decides to welch out on this bet? He will. He's going to. You think so? Yeah. Mom, I'm just going to state right now that I'm paying for it. Whatever the cost is for the trip, I will take care of it. Well, you guys are on my podcast. I feel like

Ari, he doesn't owe me anything. Fuck it. He'll give me some weed. You caught me yesterday after the podcast and on Ari Rage. You're bringing in a ruler tomorrow. Well, we did. We measured him. We already did. We filmed

it. We measured it. We'll upload it later. He's just under six feet. You're still in a ruler tomorrow. Well, we did. We measured him. We already did. We filmed it. We measured it. We'll upload it later. He's just under six feet. He's just under six feet. You're still below overweight. Yeah. Yeah. Ari's crazy.

I got to be honest with you. When we started this, I was concerned about height because I was like, I don't know if we're like, I don't know what I am at the end of the day. I don't know when we're going to measure me. I know that I'm 6'1 when I go to the doctor, but like, I don't know what, you know, I don't, you just get scared. And then that difference in overweight versus obese is like 6 pounds. From 6'1 to 6 foot, it's 227 to 220.

And that's what made me nervous. That's a big difference. But either way, Ari's wrong. Either way. Even at just under 6 feet. Tom is a little bit over 5'11 and 3 quarters, right? Yeah, so just under 6 feet. Yeah, just under six feet. Tom is a little bit over 5'11 and three quarters, right? Yeah, so it's just under six feet. Yeah, just under six feet.

That's, I think, your body. I think you'd have to be like 220 to be considered over, right? No, more than that. What is the find out, young Jamie? The thing is, if you put in 5'11", that's leaning the other way. You know what I mean? Yeah, it doesn't do it. That's not fair.

Okay, here it goes. Does it do it? 2'16"? Right? That's where I was. Six feet? Yeah. You were 2'16"?

So 29.3 is overweight. If you put 5'11", it'll say obese, though. Yeah, 5'11". Why 0'11"? 5'11", obese. Wow, you're like on the cusp. Wait, if you were 5'11", you'd still be obese? Yeah, 216. But it's

all bullshit, right? Because I'm obese. But my point is, if you were picking, if he was being a stickler about this, you'd have to find out what it is at 511.8 to be fair. Can you type in 511.8? No. Can you put in, what are you at six feet? You're not obese at six feet?

No. That's crazy that one inch you're obese and 511 you're normal. At 611 you'd be normal, Tom. So there you go. Whatever, man. But again, obviously that body mass index doesn't count. You do have a lot of muscle. You do do a lot of weight lifting and shit.

I watched a little bit of our podcast yesterday. That's where I'm going. Muscle. Yeah? I'm losing toenails on this running shit. Well, if you put muscle on, the other thing is you lose fat. Your body starts burning it off. Your body has more calorie requirements.

You have more body mass, more muscle mass. So if you actually put more muscle on, you'll burn off more and you can eat more. I think I'm going to start doing CrossFit pretty aggressively. I'm really looking for this fresh- face look to inspire me to work out. Did you ever watch a- Fresh face look? With no beard. With no beard, yeah.

Okay, here we go. For the information you entered, 5 feet, 11.5 inches, weight 216 pounds, your body mass is 29.7, indicating you're overweight. So even with an extra one quarter of an inch against you, so you're a quarter inch taller than that, you win. So Ari's wrong, again. So Ari, if you want to be a cheap fuck, I'm paying for the trip, you fucking twat. No, don't pay for it. No, I'm going to.

Let him pay for it. No, he's not going to. That's terrible. That's terrible. Ari and I are different humans. Are you coming then, Joe? I'm the exact opposite. Will you come?

I can't. Why not? I'm too busy. Come on. I'm not going to fucking Paris. For 48 hours? Yeah, especially for soccer. Fuck off.

Come on, Joe. I wouldn't go to Paris for a UFC fight. Really? Forget fucking soccer. You really wouldn't? No. To get a croissant? I'd get that at Starbucks.

Right here in good old America. Come on, we'll go sit at a cafe and write like Henry Rollins. You mock those world traveler people. Bert travels so much that traveling to him is like, fuck you. I'm so dead inside about travel. It's like putting gas in your car to him. Oh, great, Burma. I had a month where I went to Italy three times.

Oh, my God. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I was like, fuck Italy. Are you still doing TV? You're still doing any TV shows like that? Or are you done? I'm never done. I'm never done.

Never? I mean, my relationship with travel is always open. I like them. I dig them. They're cool to me. They've always been cool to me. And I'll always work for them if it's a project that we both collaborate on and we're into. What I'm done doing right now is the kind of stuff where they call up and they're like,

we need you in Hawaii tomorrow. Oh, right. Because I was like, because that was really messing up my touring. And I couldn't really commit to any dates because they'd be like, because you didn't want to turn it down. You'd be in New Zealand and they'd be like, hey, would you go to Fiji for this weekend to party with the chef? And you'd be like, yeah. And I was into that at the time.

And they're like, but Hartford, they're expecting you. Yeah, Hartford, come on. Jackie's got press lined up in Hartford. Fuck Hartford, too, by the way. Oh, Jesus Christ. There's some places that I just don't go. You don't go to Hartford? I don't go to Hartford.

By the way, that's the one thing I should have listened to, Tom Segura. Tom Segura at the very, when Tom, Tom and I like it. I'd say we're at the same level in our career. Probably Tom was, uh, Tom had told me there's a bunch of places you should say to go fuck themselves and he would name them. And I'd be like, Oh, come on, man. That's not a bad place. And he'd be like, no, fuck that place.

They suck. Their GM sucks. Their manager sucks. Their staff sucks. The crowd suck. The press sucks. And manager sucks. Their staff sucks. The crowd suck. The press sucks. And I go, and I was this company man. Like, I remember talking to your wife about it.

I was such a company man. Yeah. Man, I should have listened. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of going to Connecticut. I like people in Connecticut, but I just feel like Connecticut has a feeling. And I'm so sorry if you listen from Connecticut. One of my best friends, Tommy Jr., lives in Connecticut. I love Connecticut people. Pool player? Yeah, my Jr. lives in Connecticut. I love Connecticut people.

Pool player? Yeah, I know that guy. But the bottom line is, Connecticut is filled with despair. It's not a real state. It's a highway between New York and Boston. You know it's a highway. You guys put houses on a highway. This is what it is. It's a highway

and then along the highway, it's a bunch of fucking tax sheltering cunts that live highway, and then along the highway, it's a bunch of fucking tax-sheltering cunts that live in Manhattan and then have these palatial estates in Greenwich County. That's definitely true. Young Jamie digging in on that pizza. Oh, shit. Can't help himself. Look at it.

It's so good. We only cracked the top pizza, too. We got two more below that, bitch. Oh, my God. One of them is mushrooms. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm getting sick. I need to start drinking.

I feel sick, too. Oh, start drinking, then. Well, let's do that. Is there ice in there? Yeah, yeah, baby. I'm getting sick. I need to start drinking. I feel sick, too. Oh, start drinking, then. Well, let's do that. Is there ice in there? Yeah, there's ice. We got glasses. Yeah, we got the whole deal. And bring out the Jack Daniels, too, young Jamie.

We got that type of vodka. What is it that you like? What is it? Tito's. Tito's. Tito's. Hey, what is it about you that is so confident to tell people to go fuck themselves? Well, I don't think I tell people to go fuck themselves.

No, but to me and you. You know me. You know the conversation we've had a million times. Yeah. What is it about you that makes you go fuck them? Do you remember that one place in Ohio that you went to and you were just like, fuck them. I'll never go there again. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not that guy. I'm so the guy that you can step all over and then I go, oh, you know what? Why do you think that is, though? About me? Yeah. Because I've talked shit about people like that and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. It always comes back like I see them next time and they're like, hey, man, it's so good to see you.

And I'm like, fuck. Wait, so that's why. That's why I stopped having firm views about things, especially about clubs. Because I was like, it was a bad weekend, but maybe it was me. I always take the blame on me. I don't ever go like, you've always been accurate at doing that, too. Going, fuck that club. Fuck that guy.

Fuck him. I'll never work with him again. Well, I think i'm just reasonable so i i feel like you know if i if i give like a if i feel like something sucks i feel like i have a pretty good take on it i feel the same way you know yeah i'm not gonna be there's we know in comedy there's a lot of irrational people and there's a lot of you know comedians that are that you know bullshit about everything you know including how the show went. Right, right, right. So I feel like I'm a realist, and I have a pretty good sense. No, you do.

I trust myself on that. And you always tell me, like, when you have bad sets. Yeah. Like, what was that thing in Canada, that thing that went down in Canada? I listen to that. That's so good. My Winnipeg bombing. And you played that video, right?

I played the audio. Yeah. On your podcast. Best line was, what did the owner say to you when you got done uh fuck i don't you got off stage and he goes uh are you gonna sell shirts yeah he's like are you gonna sell fucking merch that's hilarious show yeah save it buddy they uh they booed me off stage i think your your take on it was accurate though that it's you're a very reasonable person so if you like that's i always say that too that if I don't like you you're most likely a cunt

That because I'm really nice. Yeah, I'm really nice and I give people a chance and I get along with almost everybody Almost everybody. Yeah, do you have any coke Jamie or diet coke rather? Either way, I'll take regular coke. Yeah, I mean Yeah, if you're if you if I'm like fuck that guy, there's no way he's pretty cool. Yeah, no way. And the club, like if I go fuck that club, I'm telling you, man, I don't do that lightly. There's got to be some real egregious shit on their part to earn that. Maybe that's it.

Maybe that I'm a little bit of an internal dick. No, you know what it is? You're more of, like between the three of us, you're definitely more of a people pleaser. Oh, you know what it is? You're more of, between the three of us, you're definitely more of a people pleaser. Oh, hard fucking core. And that's just a thing about you. And it's why people,

of the three of us, more people would say what a fun time it was hanging with you. Yeah, retards. Bunch of retards. Burt was the best. He let me lick his feet. It was awesome.

I don't even know where that came from. By the way, that's so close to real. I don't know where it came from. Burt, do you mind if I lick your feet? It's been my dream. I'd be like, all right. Guy's got a purple bracelet on. He's got a wrist bandana. He's got a wrist bandana.

He's got a wrist bandana. Someone who leaves the house and ties a bandana on their wrist. Oh, fuck. Like one of those ones that people put on their dog. That is so fucking me. Bert let me lick his feet. You know that's going to be coming up nonstop on this tour? Bert, can I lick your feet?

Fuck it. I got flip flops on. Whatever. Bert, can I lick your feet? Fuck it. Fuck it. I got flip-flops on. Whatever. Let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah. Well, you know, you're a real nice guy, Bert.

You know, and that's why, I mean, you and I have had some conversations before where you've called me up and told me that someone was a dick to you or something that went wrong. And I get angry because I know what a nice guy you are. Yeah. So when that happens, I know, well, that guy's a piece of shit. You know, we know the one that we were talking about recently. I was like, well, fuck that guy. I cut that guy off.

And I haven't talked to that guy since that conversation, too. Yeah. I'm like, he, he, he. Because it's just, if you're a mean person for no reason, it's the only thing if you fucked up something or you did something bad. But there's a lot of people in this in this business and in comedy in particular that you don't get you don't get the true wire from them you don't get the it's hard to figure out what exactly went on they'll tell you something and then you got to throw it through a filter yeah

that's the worst right like this guy this guy was a piece of shit and the show was going great and then and then you talk to the guy like no no, no, no. He was bombing and he was drunk and shit on the stage. There's nothing like the fibbing that goes on in stand-up. I mean, to get an accurate thing, you have to know, you have to trust the source. Yes. It's very. That's why I've always been like, how did your show go? Okay.

Yeah. I'm never telling anyone I killed. I don't think I've told anyone I murdered. Well, you've told me it went great if it went great. You know, there's nothing wrong with saying you had a great show if it actually was a great show. It was a great set, yeah. But for me, what my... I usually say they're awesome.

Cheers, gentlemen. Cheers. Hey, guys. Cheers, brother. Hang on one second. The end of the day. Joe, thank you. Yeah, thank you, Joe.

Tommy, thank you. Thank you. Listen, you guys... If you hadn't started fat shaming me, I wouldn't be healthier today. Cheers. And if I wasn't scared that it was going to backfire horribly, I wouldn't have done some work, too. Well, that's true.

Sometimes talking shit makes you work harder. Yeah, absolutely. You really were forced into a position. I love you, buddy. I love you, bro. I love you, too, Tommy. I love both you guys. Love you, Joe.

Love you, too, buddy. All right. No, I feel the same way, Bert. I love you too, Tommy. I love both you guys. Love you, Joe. Love you too, buddy. All right. Mmm. Mmm. No, I feel the same way, though. Anyone, if, I feel like if anyone is, is a dick to Bert, you're a particularly special cunt. Exactly.

Because he is such a nice guy, and I know people are like, wait, didn't you just fat shame him like an asshole? But that's, I love him, and it was, it's different. Yeah, but you guys were all in on it. Yeah. So, that's the, the, the, that's the thing. Kind of what we talked about yesterday, where but you guys were all in on it yeah that's the that's the thing kind of what we talked about yesterday where so many people were like like yeah fuck Burt like no no you're missing the whole thing yeah yeah the whole thing is silliness

some particularly mean comments that I came across over the last 24 hours too I'm sure man yeah I'm sure look I don't even read Instagram anymore yeah really, because the comments there seem so much more active than anywhere else. Well, if you go to Instagram, you'll see so many people with blocked accounts. It's one thing that Instagram does that I think, I really firmly believe that if you have a blocked account- Like a private account? You shouldn't be able to comment on other people's accounts. Yeah.

Because all these people have blocked accounts, and then they talk mad shit on other people's accounts. And it's just an anonymity thing then they talk mad shit on other people's accounts. It's just an anonymity thing because you can't lash back at them. I can't believe how many private accounts there are. Just pussies. Someone told me to do that very early on. They're like, hey, make your account private that way you'll get

more people wanting to follow you. Bullshit. I was like, eh. That's a dummy's idea. The whole thing what they're doing is, there's a lot of people that don't want you looking at pictures of them, which is fine. Yeah. But if those same people will go on other people's accounts and start shitting on them, which is what you get a lot.

Then you get a lot of fake accounts where you go and they have no posts, no pictures, but they're commenting left and right on all these other people. And how many borderline and even obviously fat guys comment about how like they're like you're fat fuck and you go to like their profile like you're fatter than shit man oh and so is your mother that's in the photo with you like you're both fat brendan shaw was talking about the other day that he had some guy just post some really nasty shit about him and he and he went to the guy's page and the guy has a kid and the guy's like holding his baby up and he's like hey dude, you're a dad.

Like, you have a baby. Like, what are you doing? Like, what kind of example are you shedding? What kind of vibes are you putting out there in the universe that might eventually bounce back down onto your daughter? I've always wondered what comics. And, I mean, like, I could probably guess them have set up troll accounts to fuck with other comics. Oh, did you know that a lot of times? How many Brandon Walsh has?

Is that what you said? I mean, Brandon Walsh definitely. But that's Brandon Walsh's whole thing. It's half as fun. Yeah. But there was a comic that got busted recently commenting on his own stuff about- How good it is? Yeah, saying how funny he was and check out his merch.

Shut up. How did he do that? He fucked up on Facebook and he forgot he logged in under the his right account instead of his troll account that's and Jamie was talking about a ESPN guy that got busted or a Fox Sports guy they got busted doing it yeah pull it up oh that guy's a dummy anyway because I saw him he was commenting about fighting some some MMA thing. I was like, is there something about when guys comment on MMA

and they don't know what they're talking about? It's like me commenting on hockey. I can't even ice skate. MMA is a weird thing because, specifically the UFC, is that I feel like I can say certifiably I was in the zeitgeist when it blew up. I was there when it started blowing up. Yeah. And even more importantly, I was doing your podcast when it started blowing up.

Look at this. Skip, you are the man! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. Love the new show on FS1! Three exclamation points. And then the first comment is, WAT, what? Oh my god, this is what counts.

I love when people write what like that. Yeah. I love that what meme. Have you ever seen that what meme? No. The lady that looks like, you know what I'm talking about? And it just says, I think it says WAT or W-U-T. I like U-T. I use U- use ut that one is my this is my like

one of my favorite internet names for what oh by the way i can't watch hunting shows anymore because you because glass because every time people are glass we're glass on this ridge i just start laughing i'm alone in my house my wife's like what are you laughing at i'm like you're not gonna do you know what Do you know what his podcast has done? This is very specific. But do you ever have like a. When you're made into a meme. That girl? Is it that girl?

No, not her. W-A-T? Just look up W-A-T. Yeah, just look up W-A-T or W-U-T. And it's like a woman, I think. Kind of big girl. Yeah, yeah. That one.

That's my favorite one. Oh my God. There's some fucking horrible ones that are doing Ronda Rousey in 10 years. Have you seen the Ronda Rousey in 10 years ones? Is that where she's getting hit? No, there's a bunch of like really obese, trashy women

and one of them is screaming at some kid to get her a lemonade. Give me a fucking lemonade. Do you see the Ronda Rousey radio head cover? No. Here she is right here. Y'all got a cigarette? We don't smoke. Fuck off.

Is that real? No. No, that's definitely not. Seems fake, right? Yeah, it's fake. Seems fake. There's a picture of Ronda Rousey getting knocked out and then the radio head cover and they look identical. Can you pull that up, right? Yeah, it's fake. Seems fake. There's a picture of Ronda Rousey getting knocked out, and then the radio head cover, and they look identical.

Can you pull that up, Jamie? Rough times. Yeah. Rough times in the house of Rousey. I've never been that down in my life. I don't know how down that she feels, but I've been down. Salad days, man. Well, it's a thing when you're fighting is a different thing like losing a basketball game

oh wow wow but that seems like she's winning there that's her laughing that's the that radio head one it's her winning there's one of her getting knocked out it's the same there's one right there the head kick one oh god there's a gang of them what's really crazy is how just a year and a couple months ago she was on top of the world. It's that kind of an adjustment that's almost impossible for a regular person to comprehend. Other than death or a loss like that, there's very few events in your life where your life will completely shift upside down. down but even in death like if you if someone you close you're close to that you care about dies other people are sympathetic and they care about you and they don't treat you like you're a piece of shit because someone died right so in a lot of ways fighting is its own completely unique kind of

excuse me kind of loss because it's it's the only time where people openly mock you for your loss like i've never i've never seen people people openly mock you for your loss. I've never seen people openly mock someone as much as it seems like they're mocking Ronda. In their defense, in the people that are mocking, first of all, she did a lot of things that invited this. If you ever watched The Ultimate Fighter with her and Misha Tate, like, you know, she was ridiculous in, like, sticking the finger at Misha Tate, and after the fight she wouldn't shake Misha Tate's hand, and there was, like, a lot of non-sport, anti-sportsmanship. Didn't she do that on the home fight also, not touch gloves?

Wasn't that her? Yes. At the center, right? Yes. She touched gloves in this fight. Oh. She touched gloves at the beginning, but she didn't touch gloves before the fight actually started. She touched gloves at the stare down, which I thought was like, well, that's interesting.

Maybe her head's in a good place. And then she didn't touch gloves afterwards. Do you think the world will turn on Conor McGregor when he loses for the— They did. The world turned on him when he did. But the world respected him in a massive way because he jumped right back into the fray, and then he won.

And he also was fighting at a way different weight, right? He was. He was fighting at a different weight, but everybody keeps chiming in on this, including the UFC. They say that Nate's a 170. Bullshit. Nate Diaz fought 170 twice in the UFC

against Dong Young Kim and against Roy McDonald, and both times he was too small and got ragdolled. He's not a 170. The reason why he's not a 170 is he's been fighting at 155 successfully his whole career. And his fight before the Conor McGregor fight, he fought Michael Johnson at 155 and looked fantastic. Nate is a 155-pound fighter. That's the weight class. Conor's right now the champ at 155.

But they're different in size in that Conor can make 145. Nate can't make 145. So Conor can dehydrate himself down another 10 pounds. Nate can't. That's insane. He probably can't anymore because Conor's put on a little bit of bulk. And now he's fighting at 155. I'm sure he feels much more comfortable and healthy there.

He doesn't want to go down to 145 again. But Nate is almost physically incapable. I mean, he would have to look like he's on death's door. This shit is brutal, by the way. I can't emphasize how horrible the last couple days have been. And I mean, this is obviously a modified version. Like, we're not pros. We don't really know.

You look way better, both of you do, than a lot of guys do when they weigh in. So whatever you drained out of your body that was so hard is nothing. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I peed in the shower, and it was like motor oil. Oh, really? Dude, it was orange. It was orange, and it was like my dick spit chewing tobacco.

It was bad. There was like I was a meme right there This is morning this morning, and I went I cannot wait to get fluid in my body and my dick go hard to really Fantasize about it to your mind really starts playing tricks on you. That's the fucking crazy thing Yeah, I can I watch that that Chris cyborg weight loss thing again Yeah, that was a horrible one and that one ESPN covered pretty extensively by the way outside the lines back to the skip bayless nonsense about that's one of the things i think about like one time i asked you like how do you fucking know so much about this mma stuff and you go it's the

only thing occupying that space in my head it's the only only sport I follow. Right. That's, I think, the great flaw of being the all-sport commenter like these guys are. Yeah. Is that they're trying to keep up with experts in all the sports, and they just don't have – like, he might have a great take on maybe the NBA or something. Mm-hmm. But then it starts to dilute somewhere. You're not also going to be the best at commenting on horse racing, baseball, football, college ball, college basketball, tennis. So then something's going to get lazy about the way you comment on it.

It's not just even something's going to get lazy. There's no room. Here's a perfect example. I'm an expert in MMA, but in MMA, I defer to other people about certain aspects of MMA. Right. Like, if I want to talk about jiu-jitsu, I talk to Eddie. I talk to Eddie Bravo. I say, okay, well, like, we had a conversation the other day about the Anderson Silva-Chale

Sunday fight, and I incorrectly remembered it, and Eddie corrected me, and we watched the submission, and I'm like, you're right. You're right. I remembered it wrong. I mean, I understand setups, and I understand technique, and I'm a black belt in jiu-jitsu under him and under John Jacques Machado, gi and no gi, and still, my knowledge is nothing compared to Eddie Bravo's. Really?

Yeah. And his is almost just like a gift, too, right? No. I mean, well, he's studied it his whole fucking life. He's a wizard at it. Eddie's a true jiu-jitsu genius. He's not just really good at techniques. He's invented a bunch

of setups and a bunch of different pathways to techniques that world-class professionals use. And when he watches it, he definitely sees something even further. He might see a hair or two past what I see, which is gigantic in

fighting. And so then when it comes to Muay Thai, I know a lot about Muay Thai, but I defer to guys like Mark De La Grata or Duke Rufus. I'll ask them, and they'll give me a certain take on things that maybe is different than my perspective. So it's like there's no way one person can understand everything better than anybody else. There's too much to know. There's too much. Even if you've got a guy who's an overall, like, mighty mouse. Demetrius Johnson, who I think is the best fighter ever. I mean, I think if you look at his technique, I think he's the best fighter ever.

There's guys that are better at Muay Thai than him. There's guys that are better at jiu-jitsu than him. He's just the best at putting it together in his weight class and dominating his division. But still, it's too big of an ocean. Well, that's what I was saying at the very beginning of this conversation was I feel like both of us were probably here in this podcast, doing this podcast when UFC signed the deal with Fox, which was, I think, the big blow-up where it was like,

now all of a sudden Fox was going to brand it with sports talent hosts and it was not just you and Goldberg it was it was like I remember hearing about big fucking Fox events where they had all their Jim Rome was going to comment on it or no I'm just saying

and that's what kind of sucks because I was like I feel like you know I feel like the mainstream media was so against it for so long that finally when it pushed through to watch the mainstream media do this almost like fucking arms wide open, like, yeah, we've always been. Skip, give us your insight about, yeah, it's just UFC. Skip, give us your insight. It's such a complex.

It's not just putting a ball through a hoop. It's so lame what a gig that is, though, because the gig that he has is this thing where it's like, what's your hot take on this? And then those guys have to say something almost that is somewhat controversial. Yeah, it's so contrived. Yeah, it's very contrived. It's like, you know what, Joe? I disagree. Nate is a better 170.

I've seen it. And that's just what i think and then that's like the take yeah is that he he disagrees but that's everyone it seems like that's everyone like i'm not like i'm not i mean obviously i'm not putting amy schumer on blast but i feel like these days amy schumer and lena dunham i don't even know if they have anything to say other than the most aggressive thing that everyone will react to and then that keeps them famous. Interesting. It's almost like blowing air under a feather. It's hot air. It's like

kicking the guy out of her show for buying tickets and liking Trump. Well, she didn't kick him out of the show. She just told him to get off the stage. No, she told him all to leave. Oh, no. She brought the guy on stage. I didn't watch the whole thing.

She brought the guy on stage, but then she said, if you're not voting for Hillary, leave my show. Did she say that? I don't know. I really don't know. I don't think she said that. I think she was saying if you boo. People are booing her because she was talking shit about Trump. I'm not trying to put Amy on blast.

I'm just saying, like, Lena Dunham, I wish I had had an abortion. She said that. She goes, I wish I had had an abortion so I could be with all the girls that had had abortions. I could be on your side. Whatever. Well, you know, she's overweight. It's probably affecting her brain. People say things when they're not healthy.

That's how I used to feel. That's how I used to feel, too. Yeah. I've been told. But, like, it feels like that's a way to. That's how I used to feel. That's how I used to feel, too. I've been told. But, like, it feels like that's a way to. That's a business. It's like that's the world she's in. And whether or not it's conscious or not, you're sort of playing to those people.

And I understand what she's saying. Like, if she's trying. Look, if they're trying to take away the right for a woman to have an abortion and she's trying to align herself with those people and she hasn't had an abortion, that's a reasonable thing to say, as crazy as it sounds. I'm not disagreeing with what she's saying. I'm just pointing out that it seems to me that the way, I was just coupling on what he said, the way to be in the media these days is to say the most outrageous things, to get the most activity on social media so that you're still in the public eye.

I think these guys are scrubs. That's what I think it is. I think that guy's a mental scrub. And I think this kind of way of talking about sports, I think it's antiquated. And I think it's going to go away. And I think that people just gravitate towards it because it's just gossip news. Bullshit. It's so awesome that he wrote to himself.

Such a dummy. Way to go. You're the man. You're to himself. Such a dummy. Way to go. You're the man. You're the man. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. I should start doing that every day. Good job, Joe.

Good job, Joe. Way to go. I should do, you know what I should do? I should do like really subtle insults. You know, like backhanded compliments. Yeah. It's just, that's that same mentality though the mentality that makes you write a tweet like that to yourself is the same mentality what's the backhanded compliment

you got from an exec we were talking about do you remember that yeah oh it was like we want guys that are like not like you know really good looking not super super funny but like kind of like middle of the road like we want to talk to you, man. Yeah, we don't want your talent to be threatening. Then they offer me a show. We want you to be the guy that I feel like, me, whatever regular guy I am and a regular job I have, I could do it better than you. Stars, we don't want stars.

We want guys that are accessible, not too good looking. We don't want a host host. We want a guy that it seems like watching a TV, you go, oh, I could do that. And they could. Like a guy that's like. Not a lot of talent. Yeah, not a lot of talent. Like all over the place.

Not that good looking, overweight. And I'm like, okay. I was like, is this a compliment? And they're like, do you know what I mean? Like nothing glossy. Nothing shiny. And I was like. Not that focused.

Not that disciplined. Easily replaceable. Easily replaceable. Especially if this takes off. During contract negotiations, we could just kick you out and nobody will notice. Yeah. It's like, remember when they replaced the fucking husband on Bewitched and nobody gave a shit? Yeah.

That's right. And they both had the name Darren, right? No, no, no, no. They both had the name. Both their names were very similar in real life. They replaced it. It was different when they- That dude got cocky and they fucking outed him.

They did that on Roseanne. They replaced one of the kids. Replaced the kid? No. Aunt Viv. Remember Aunt Viv? The older daughter got replaced. They just got a new older daughter and they made little subtle jokes about her looking different. Really? And then they switched her back again. What were the two dads' names

in Bewitched? Dick York and Darren. Okay, here we go. Well, Bewitched debuted in the summer of 1964 and was a rating smash from the word go. The very attractive Elizabeth Montgomery was cast in the lead. Samantha the Witch and a skittish young actor named Dick York was cast as her mild-mannered but hapless husband Darren. Okay, so where's the other? Dick York and Darren. Dick Sargent.

Dick Sargent. So they have the same name. So what is the difference between Dick York and Dick Sargent? What do they look like? Let's go. Bewitched husbands, Dick Sargent. What a gay, awesome, steam room name, Dick Sargent. Hey, Dick Sargent.

There you go. Oh, yeah, the second guy was like a weaker-chinned version of the first guy. Couldn't stand up for himself. Speaking of weak-chinned, when do we do this shave? We'll do it afterwards. We'll do it at the end of the show. We'll take photos. What about Aunt Viv?

Wasn't that traumatizing to you? Who's Aunt Viv? Fresh Prince? I've never watched that show. There was two of them, man. I'm talking about Bewitched and I don't know, Aunt Viv. By the way, I had a surreal moment with Will Smith when I first moved out to LA. Yeah?

We were in his car and Uncle Phil was in the car in front of him. Who's Uncle Phil? He was the dad and- The guy that he lived with, his uncle. John Fresh Prince. James Henry. Yeah. Jamie's a fan.

And Will threw his car in park and was like I'm gonna scare the shit out of Uncle Phil or he said his real name yeah and he got out and ran up

and then and then you watch this big man and this fucking ranger go like in the front seat and then they got out and they hugged

and they talked for like five minutes at a stoplight yeah how rude that's super rude pro-LV fucking celebrity I thought it was

so fucking weird. So weird. Very weird. Apparently that guy travels like everywhere he flies. Will Smith brings like a giant box of books. Really? Like there's a voracious reader apparently. What do you, what do you, what do you give the skeptical hippo look?

I don't know. You don't believe it? No. Why not? I don't believe anything. Why? Because I believe everyone fucking concocts their own fucking horse shit reality so that they sell it to the fans.

He's never even been to Russia. You know that? Why do you say that? I don't know. You're feeling cynical because you lost today. No, no, that's not why I'm feeling cynical. It's dehydration. I wanted to win so badly.

Have more coconut water. Can I tell you that? You wanted to win so badly? So badly. You won. Yeah. I really did. I really wanted to beat you in this.

I mean, like, more so than, I think, you know what it reminded me of? I was never super competitive. Like, you know, like, I played on sports teams my whole adolescence and through high school. And I would, you know, play and compete and everything. But I was more competitive with family, you know, and stupid shit. Right. Like, there's a new video game. Me and my sisters are playing it.

Then I was, like, fucking laser focused. And this kind of reminded me of that, of being, like, I think it's because we're close that it reminded me of, like, a sibling thing. We're like, I gotta beat fucking Bert at this. What's our next competition? Oh, my God. Bert wants a rematch. Yeah.

I want to go for your pubic hair. It doesn't involve fucking water. I'll tell you that right now. Buturt wants a rematch. Yeah. I want to go for your pubic hair. It doesn't involve fucking water. I'll tell you that right now. But you are the water champ. Is it weird to not have water while you're the water champ? Man. Like, my hydration, there's no explanation. There's no explanation for my hydration?

You should be a shirt. There's no explanation for my hydration. And it's like cutting the water was like a vacation. Are you Muhammad Ali? This is the worst. I don't know what I'm saying. This is the worst. A lot of frustration with my hesitation on my hydration.

Yeah. All that shit, man. I mean, it really was. All about a vacation? And I did. I followed that, what I was told, pretty much to a T. By Jake Smith. Yeah.

What a dick. Where's Jake fight? I mean, look it up. Yeah, look Jake up. How important was it to you, Bert? It seems like you were kind of like throwing in the towel this morning when you came here. You're in pain. I was fucking, I was hurting.

Well, you did it differently than him. He did the long haul. You did the long strand. I did the sprint. Yeah did the long haul. You did the long strand. I did the sprint. The long strand. I did the long strand DNA in March. Do you look back on the last few months? There's two mistakes I made.

I could have tightened this bitch up. There's a couple mistakes I made. Five and one. Jake Smith. No photo of him. He fights in Prime Fighting 8. So he's fighting in some smaller organizations, but it looks like he's got a good record. Holla. Holla, Jake. But there's a lot of guys out there that are good at cutting weight, man. I've seen some dudes eliminate ridiculous

amounts of their body weight. There's nobody better than this guy named Gleason Tebow, ridiculous amounts of their body weight. There's nobody better than this guy named Gleason Tebow, who got popped by USADA. He got caught with a gang of shit in his system. I think two or three different banned substances. We got tagged in a bunch of tweets yesterday that we should be helping

some big name guy to do it. They're like, why don't you help fucking, what's his name, do it? He must have not cut weight recently. Which guy? By the way, I can totally see that. Training for the fight and not cutting weight and being like, my bad, guys. Well, it does happen, but you lose a shit load

of money. We got a bunch of them yesterday. I can't remember his name. Ray Borg lost 30%. He won this weekend. He lost 30% of his purse because he was more than three pounds over. So he has to give 30% of his purse to his opponent. Oh, for real? Yeah, yeah. He looked fantastic. Ray Borg's

a super talented guy. But that's a big amount of money to give to your opponent. But three pounds at flyweight in particular. That's a lot. Well, they're fighting at 125. And Ray weighed 128 point something. There's a lot of missteps I made.

129 actually because they gave him a pound over. They give you a pound to fuck with because it's not a championship fight. During a championship fight, you have to weigh on the nugget. If it's 170, you have to weigh 170. You can't weigh... Exactly? You have to weigh 170 exactly? Exactly. Or less.

But in a non-championship fight, you get a pound to play with. How often does it... Because I've been at a number of weigh-ins with you, that they have to just lose the underwear to make weight. Because I've seen that. It happens. If you have wet underwear on. Is that like.2 or something?

It could weigh very little, but that's enough. It's the tipping amount. Because a lot of it is one of those balance scales. It's just a hair an ounce whatever it is and then sometimes if they if they're still over what you have an hour you have it depends on the commission depends on how it really depends it depends on where you're at they do different weigh-ins now they do early weigh-ins the weigh-ins take place early in the morning now but the day of the fight yeah the day before the The day of the fight? Yeah, the day before the fight. The day before the fight?

Oh, so you have a day to recoup. You have to. You have to. Oh, my God. You have to die. They started doing that after Duck Koo Kim. Ray Mancini and Duck Koo Kim had this crazy fight. They changed a few things after that fight. One thing they changed is they stopped doing 15-round fights,

and they brought them down to 12 rounds. Another thing is they started, I think that's when they started doing weigh-ins the day before but i could be mistaken because the dehydration fucks with your brain yeah it fucks with your brain pretty hardcore yeah it fucks with your ability to move it fucks with the literally the way your nervous system like your body works sort of i mean obviously i'm gonna this up, but there's an electrical current through your body that relies on water to function at its best. I felt stumbly today. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, I definitely felt stumbly on the treadmill. I was like. Oh, for sure. Your body's not functioning correctly. You know what you boys need? Some marijuana in your system. Oh, my God. I don't know about that.

Definitely, for sure. Definitely, for sure. We don't know about that. Definitely for sure. Definitely for sure. We knew you were going through this, drinking, not enough marijuana. You haven't, you've had pizza already. My vision's going, this will be good. Well, it's a good anti-inflammatory, folks. Oh, okay. Plus, it's legal.

Oh, yeah. It's very true. It is legal. It's a nice. Yeah, that's legal. Oh, yeah. It's very true. It is legal. That's a nice. Yeah, that's right. Conor Yeo. I go for the green. I'm tin cup.

What's tin cup? Tin cup. He went for the green. Like, he just couldn't stop going for the green. Today's the first day in four days where I haven't felt like I have to shit myself. So I'm super psyched about that. I had a stomach bug for the last Four four five since Thursday. I got I noticed it on Thursday really yeah

Yeah, Tommy can I take a drag you gonna get another drag? I don't think so that's how I sound Jamie hi for fucking eight hours after I had a drag That's a crazy. Just 24 hours in a day, bro. What you worry about? What is that sound? probably UFO to drag. That is a crazy 24 hours in a day, bro. What are you worried about? What is that sound? Probably a UFO. Are they coming for us here? He'll pass it to me. Did you guys see the stealth bomber yesterday? No. Flying over the valley? Yeah, it was a B-52 stealth bomber.

Flying over the valley. Really? Those things are badass. I got into a B-52 into the turretrette gunner is that right b-11 I don't know which one it is you know the one that had a little ball underneath that you Not sure I got into one of those one time yeah, holy shit. You want to talk about panic Yeah, do you ever fly in one of those no I flew in an fa-18 once with the Blue Angels

I had a bit about it. I flew in an F-A-18 once with the Blue Angels. I had a bit about it I did in my act. It was fucking amazing. Really? Yeah, we went 7.5 Gs. Oh, my God. 7.5 Gs? It was insane. Yeah, there was some actor before me who did 5 Gs, and I'm like, fuck that pussy.

I'm going to beat that guy. Let's ramp it up. And so we went pretty deep. What did that feel like? Insane. Like an elevator door is closing in on your brain like you see the darkness coming in from the left and the right like literally you can see it you can see your consciousness closing really yeah and you you do a thing called hooking where you hold on to

there's straps like you're all strapped in and you hold on to your straps or the pilot would hold on to the handle and you go like this oh yeah yeah yeah and you're literally forcing blood into your brain to stay conscious and does the pilot do that too he has to yeah yeah that's crazy that there's something that the pilot could do that could pass him out no that's one of the things i'd have to go if i did another one yeah well we were we were fucking we were flying maybe i I don't know how far off the ground, but pretty low in this canyon range. That's somewhere between San Diego and Arizona. Is that what it is, San Diego and Nevada?

What's there? Arizona, right? Nevada's up? Yeah, yeah. So it's this really crazy area where it's all this Blue Angel test flight. It's like where they practice. It's this Air Force base out there. And it's where they do their test runs and they drop things.

They test where they would drop bombs, I guess. And you're flying through this small mountain range. It's fucking nuts, man. And while we're doing it my I see the darkness on the left and the right closing in and I'm trying to stay awake I'm going and I hear the guy in front of me doing it oh is this a guy you know yeah what is this Jamie a bunch of people this is like hilarious g-force training but oh yeah this is Eliza Eliza in 50 years this is Eliza. Eliza in 50 years.

This is G-Force training, though. This is not actually being in the plane. Being in the plane, G-Force training. It's Bobby Kelly. G-Force training. It's Elon Gold. G-Force training is cool. I could do that all day.

Just pictures of people come up and go, oh, cool, Bobby Lee. Yeah. The thing about the G-Force training, though, is you know you're in a simulator. I mean, it might be crazy and you're spinning, but you're not flying. You can't look down and 100 yards below you is a mountain range. It was nuts, man. This guy was a bad motherfucker, this pilot. He took me through this wild rise through these canyons

and I heard him doing it too. He's going hoot, hoot, hoot. So I'm like, he's experiencing it too. Fuck, man. When they hit turns, that's when it's nuts, man. It's like there's banking turns that they make where there's so much

pressure. That's giving me panic just watching it. I did that when we spun around in a circle. They fly in tandem? And they fucking fly in war like that, dude. Look how much you're moving still. Yeah. Dude, these guys fly in war like this. Is that Tim that's at New Chile?

Yeah, he's hooking right now. That guy's doing that shit right now. It's nuts, bro. I'm telling you, it is like nothing I've ever experienced physically. And it just makes you understand the weird demands that your body has. Over people's homes. Your body has a very narrow window that it can operate in as far as atmosphere, as far as temperature, as far as pressure. All those things are very narrow.

We're very vulnerable. It's one of the reasons why fighting is so interesting. Like this Ronda Rousey fight, for example. You take a person that's obviously very physically strong, right? Like a female cage fighting champion. And you see her muscles and you see what she can do throwing people around. But you realize that even a person that looks like that is super vulnerable. All you have to do is get hit.

Bang, somebody hits you. Bang, they hit you again. All of a sudden you're in trouble. Bang, they hit you again. You can't respond. And then you get knocked out. Like as tough as a person might think they are, as in shape as a person might think they are,

if you get in one of those goddamn jets and you fly at seven and a half g's you take one some crazy turns and your body is literally like giving you got you're gonna go unconscious from the pressure it makes you realize like wow i'm so frail oh so frail dude i was uh i i may have told you someone about this i'm sure i don't know my body's starting to recoup back to old burt right now with all this once more coconut water no no no this vodka and that was perfect i feel really good right now guys i'm skinny and baked um uh when i when i went heliskiing in switzerland we went up to i think we went up to like 10 000 feet maybe 7 000 feet and it was uh in the mountains they took us up heliskiing, dropped us off.

My dad was like, you're going to, you can get really hurt, but you're so confident. Like you live in this bubble where nothing happens to you. But up there, I couldn't even navigate. Like I couldn't even traverse the mountain a little bit to get within the line that we needed to ski down. Like I couldn't even walk through it. So it was like four foot powder. So you're literally like,

I mean, it's up to your waist. Like you're stepping and it's up to your waist. And you're like, holy shit. Then I couldn't even get my board on. Finally, they helped me get my board on. We start snowboarding. And they're telling us there's crevasses to the right. He's like, okay, stay within five feet from me to the right to the left. And then, I'm not good with accents.

Oh my God. That's hilarious. He's like... What country is this supposed to be? Switzerland. That sounded pretty good. It sounded pretty good. Do it again. Do it again. You're going to stare at me from the left to the right to the left.

It says Cajun. I got to put this beacon on you and then when you got a beacon on you you're all good okay here we go and so we start going and for some reason I can't turn left

like I can snowboard perfectly fine but I can't turn left because there's so much powder and I notice that I'm just floating to the right away from his little fucking marks towards where there could be

avalanches or crevasses and I'm like shit and I'm thinking to myself this is like real vulnerability. Like going like, I can't go left. I counted for some reason. It's too much powder for me to turn left. So finally I just fucking cut it.

And I start cutting hardcore left. I go, okay, time to go back right. Now I can't turn right. And I fucking, I'm facing face forward down the mountain, cutting left. And I see them in front of me and I catch a nose and I fucking land face first into the snow four feet and I'm under the snow. I'm gone.

And so I go to push up and as I put my arms forward, they just disappear. They just, nothing. They don't touch anything. They just go into the snow. And I'm like and I immediately realized my vulnerability. I'm like, oh my god, man. This is it. I'm like, oh my God, man. This is it.

I'm guessing. I don't remember the exact height. 9,000 feet up a mountain. And I'm the last one on this line. No one saw me fall. When will they start looking for me? What will happen to me within that time? And I start fucking panicking like hard as shit.

And I'm trying to move and flip myself at least over to my back and i can't i can't get i can't move at all and i hear my dad in my head go told you you're gonna fucking die and i was just like jesus i know and i was like i'm freaked out and then and then this all of a sudden i felt this hand on the back because we all had like these harnesses on with a beacon. This hand pulled my harness up and he's like, you should see your sound guy. And my sound guy is upside down. Skis, literally like he's doing a handstand in the snow,

gear everywhere. And when they pull him up, he's like, fuck this mountain. Let's get off this fucking mountain right now. It was fucking, but you think, oh, I'm a great skier. I could do this. And then you forget. You forget. You don't realize your vulnerability every time you do an adventure thing. Anything that's like adventurous and they're like especially like when you you realize how much like nonchalantly you put your life in people's hands

and that thing is when it's you know i mean like you go like oh i'm gonna parasail or something and they're like no this place does it and then you realize it's just some guy you know who fucking hangs out at that pier. He is managing, you know, he's managing your life there. If you get on like a fucking roller coaster. I even think about it in cars sometimes. I know like a couple comics that go, I won't let somebody drive me anywhere. Like I know a couple guys that are like, no one's allowed to drive me.

And I'm like, why? And they're like, I'm not letting just some fucking guy drive me. What if he's a horrible driver? And they just, they're almost panicked about it. But then sometimes you feel that vulnerable. Like, you realize it when you have a fuck-off guy driving you. You know? Like, he's like, what's that?

And like talking to you. And you're like, oh, man. Oh, that's the worst when they're looking up in the rear view at you. Yeah. You're like, please don't. And you're going 80. Yeah, please don't. That's UberX, right? UberX. I got an UberX to to go to a podcast and they were like we'll send you an uber and i was like oh i'm just so used to taking the black car because that's what i take so i'm used

to that i don't mind having a black car driving because i feel like he's got a chauffeur license on the side somewhere yeah but like the uber x it was just this fucking chinese guy who's like 60 years old in a fucking civic perfect and i was like oh this is great and he was horrible i was like i don't think he learned how to Perfect. And I was like, oh, this is great. And he was horrible. I was like, I don't think he learned how to drive in his country, let alone this one. And he is literally just. And I was like. How recently had he been in America? He was not speaking very good English.

They were like horrific English. This is what he sounded like. OK, I'm going to take you up on a 405. Swing to the left. Swing to the left. Swing to the right. Sounds like Yakov. Yakov, yeah. I did an interview with Yakov on my podcast.

He's a good dude, man. He's a great dude. He's a good dude. He's at the comedy store all the time. He's very friendly. He has, like, his own theater, right? Isn't that the thing? He has something in Branson, Missouri, right?

I think he got rid of it. Did he? When I interviewed him, it was probably a year ago. By the way, Branson, Missouri, right? I think he got rid of it. Did he? When I interviewed him, it was probably a year ago. By the way, Branson, Missouri is pretty fucking badass. How far is it from Kansas City? I have no clue. He's a really nice guy, and he's a smart guy. And he's a good joke writer.

His fucking jokes are funny, man. He's just a guy that came up during a really strange time. Ari just texted me. What did he say? You said you were 6'1". You're actually under 6 feet? He's mad. Oh, yeah, he's mad.

I wish we had a phone line to patch him in. Let's not do it. He'll get mad. We did it yesterday, and it was a disaster. He's angry. Yeah. I love... He's such an interesting friend to have.

On the spectrum of friends, to have one of those... Yeah, yeah. It's just so... I feel like I'm going to step in as his friend and pay for this whole thing because you guys did it on my podcast. Yeah, I'll pay for that, man. I want to. Why do you keep saying that? Yeah, just let it go.

All right. So I'm going to take care of it. So Ari, you're off the hook, dude. Because Ari just... I don't want to see him upset. He'll just get too mad? Well, also, it might have been his idea, but honestly, I benefited from it more than anybody. Because you guys did it on my podcast.

It's been good podcasting. It's been fun. Fuck yeah, dude. First time ever. We've never done two in a row like this. Yeah. We've never done something along these lines. Tom called me when he was like, we're doing two in a row, Bert.

You're going to have to carry this. I'm not that funny. And I was like. It's true. It's true. I like doing two-per-viewable podcasts. Hey, man, let me ask you this before I forget. What could you have done to get yourself out of that snow?

Nothing. A lot of people get trapped in the snow like that. Is there a thing you're supposed to do? Are you supposed to move the snow away from your face so you have air? I'm sure there is. I'm sure you probably should start packing snow down around you. I don't know. My cameraman, Kendall, is a professional snowboarder.

And he had a very similar experience. We talked about it that night at a bar in switzerland and uh he was telling me he was like one time he was flying through that he was going through the tree lines he waiting for me to do an accent yeah he was going through the tree lines and he hit a tree and all the snow that was in the tree buried him oh my god and he was and he was upside down he was upside down and he was in i guess it's called like a tree well people who ski know more know more about this than I would. But apparently what happens is no snow falls around the tree at all.

And then it's very light packed snow. So you can get buried in it. And he was like, he said his back was fucked up. But he was trying to get out and he couldn't get out. And he was like, oh shit, this is how you die. I've had three friends die snowboarding. Really? Three friends, yeah. Three friends die snowboarding like three friends yeah three friends die snowboarding hitting trees and shit one hit a tree one uh skied off a mountain oh damn and i saw his wife recently and i was like and i haven't seen her since he died and i was like just so you know i think about him a lot

you know like because i think because i went snowboarding when you go snowboarding in switzerland it's above the tree line so like where you have men you're deaf Oh, isn't it weird isn't it weird that you're allowed to do some shit that kills people and nobody bats an eye Yeah, everybody looks forward to it. You know but if you if we were going skydiving You know and like this or there's a place I went skiing in Aspen and I I went to this place, and I was like, how many people die here a year? And this dude who lives there, he goes, at least one or two every year.

I go, one or two every year? I go, what usually happens? He goes, trees. They hit trees, they fall off mountains, they break their necks. I go, really? And he goes, yeah, yeah, one or two every year. I'm like, whoa. Because they freak everybody out?

They're like, I guess skiing's so fun, they just go fuck it. Yeah. Think about scuba diving. Yeah. They fly off mountains. Gone. Hitting a tree is at least probably really lights out really fast. I was watching a video of my friend Aubrey.

He's a really good skier. He can ski-ski. A guy can survive. I've only been skiing for four years, but he can ski. He gets on skis. He's like, shh, shh, shh, shh. First of all, any human being who's using skis these days can really ski. Everyone my age just snowboarded, but if you're a grown man and you're on skis, you know what

the fuck you're doing. That's how it works. That's not totally true. Really? I learned skiing. I never snowboarded. Oh, really? Yeah, I learned skiing four years ago.

Like, here's Aubrey flying down this hill. Like, look. See, like, you can tell when you look at a guy like that move. Like, that's a guy who can actually ski. I got to go fucking skiing now that I'm skinny. When I'm doing this, yeah, dude, for sure. You'll be doing a lot of things. It's like taking a weight vest off.

Yeah. When I'm looking at him skiing, I'm like, okay, this is a motherfucker that skis so smooth. Like, that's a guy who's been skiing, like, a long time, and he really knows what he's doing. My skis are always further apart. I look all goofy. I'm not that. He's really good. If he's tucking fucking poles, he's good.

And he's really good friends with that Bodie Miller guy who's that world champion. Yeah, that guy's an interesting guy. Fuck yeah, he is. I have a good buddy of mine who's on the U.S. Olympic ski team. My friend Steve Graham from the time we were kids. He was, he's my friend, he's an ophthalmologist. And when I was a kid, I was like 15 or 16 I met him. That's the whitest statement ever.

This guy had, at the time, maybe 10 surgeries on his knees. 10. Like giant scars up and down his knees where they used to have to open him up like the old days when they do surgery they would cut you open like a fish and just stitch stuff together and hope it hung on fuck fuck that but like skiing like getting really good like that how old would you eat when you were learned 45 shut up that's gonna be fucking yeah I've eaten shit hard

skiing before well when I was a kid man I avoided anything that I thought could possibly hurt my legs because I was doing so much taekwondo because I was

you know so obsessed with martial arts yeah I was like and it's so dangerous as it is I'm like

I'm not taking any extra dangers like I'm not gonna break my leg skiing or break my arm on a motorcycle or get fucked up in that way like when I'm already doing this so I avoided all that stuff my dad said that to me taking any extra dangers like i'm not gonna break my leg skiing or break my arm on a motorcycle or get fucked up in that way like when i'm already doing this so i avoided all that stuff my dad

said that to me we went to uh windy gap it was like a youth camp uh with christian youth camp where you had to see jesus by the end of the week yeah did you meet him yeah i met him what happened in the shower whoa i had to tell my story to the camp what happened they were like you haven't seen Jesus yet, Bert? Where's Jesus? And I was like, and I had just taken a shower that day, and I had like a cool moment in the shower going, like feeling grateful for life.

I was 18 getting ready to go to Florida State. And they were like. You were 18 in this? I so thought you were 11 when you were telling the story. That's so funny. I was 18. For real? Yeah, yeah.

I was 18. I was fucking 18. I could smoke cigarettes, but you couldn't smoke there. And they brought me up in front of camp, and I was 18. For real? Yeah, I was 18. I was fucking 18. I could smoke cigarettes, but you couldn't smoke there. And they brought me up in front of camp, and I was like, have you seen Jesus? And I was like, I saw him. I was being real, which is, I think, the predominant times that I'm funny is when I'm trying to be sincere. And I said, I saw him in the shower today, and the fucking place fell apart. And they're like, just sit down.

I was like, I did have a cool moment in the shower where I was grateful. Why can't you find Jesus when you're naked? Why does Jesus has to come when you're in your tie with your shoes tied? You should be able to be aroused and see him too. Why not? You should be like about to come. Yeah. And you see Jesus and you clamp down on your dick like you're trying to choke it to death.

Stop it from coming out. And then so you don't want to be disrespectful. Right. And then you go, I love you, Jesus, and then you let it go. What if Jesus said, it's okay, son, you can come? Then you'd be a big-time believer, wouldn't you? People are angry. Listen to us talk about this right now. Why? Angry.

Why? Because you're not supposed to be talking about Jesus and pleasure. Yeah. What if Jesus came to you in the middle of a massage? You're lying on your stomach. No sexual organs are involved. But when someone has like oil on your back and they're rubbing their elbow across the spine, just loosen everything up. You know that feeling. Arguably, there's times where that feels as good as coming.

Right. Arguably. Yeah. Right. But why is that okay? Because it's not sexual? What weird rules do we have about touching each other where you can lay down on your stomach and some lady that you don't know can rub her back, rub her elbow rather, deep

into your back and it feels amazing. They're rubbing your feet. Incredible. When someone rubs your feet, that feels so good. But as long as it's not that good like dick good. Yeah. As long as it's not balls good. Balls and dick.

Balls and dick. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can you rub the ass? The cheeks, yes. Yeah. And a dangerous massage. They rub your cheeks. Dangerous.

Oh, they're just getting into the gluteus maximus here. Oh, as long as it's not my asshole. Those hip flexors. Don't touch my asshole. It's right there. Don't touch it. Don't touch it. He's so close. It's like fucking danger zones where you're not allowed to touch. Why can't they touch our dicks? Because we grew up like big babies.

We had fucking ridiculous Puritans who got on rafts powered by the wind. They floated over to some place they weren't even sure existed. They set up a bunch of stupid rules, and the echoes of that stupid rules fuck with our dicks and assholes today. I think that was the whole thing about that. There was a fucking doctor who was giving women orgasms, and that was his thing. Do you know what I'm talking about? I do.

Yeah, yeah. There's been a couple stories like that where doctors start fingering their patients. To get them out of hysterectomies. Well, hysterical. The word hysterical comes like, that's the origins of the word. Tommy, drink your drink. I'm pouring another one. The word hysterical had something to do with hysterectomy, didn't it?

Isn't that the origins of it? Yeah, no, it is. It is. And that they used to, some doctors used to actually manually manipulate women to orgasm. Yeah. Back in the day. Back in the day before people got scared of vaginas. There's a doctor in Beverly Hills called Dr. Squirts.

Whoa, that's not a real doctor. It's not as real as it seems. Stop right now. Don't use your credit card, Bert. It's not the name he went to medical school. Dr. Squirts. She's the fact of debt.

Fucking guy decided to go with Dr. Squirts. But that's what the women call him. Oh my God. And so my wife said to me, her and her friend Sandy are like, they heard about Dr. Squirts and they were talking to me her and her friend sandy are like they heard about dr squirts and they were talking to me they're like is that cheating if we went to dr squirts because he apparently gives you a massage and then gives you an orgasm it's like the best orgasm you've ever had that is so crazy that women are but it makes sense like if a woman was a chick

with a good job and she's busy working her way up the corporate ladder, doesn't have time to date assholes, but she wants to get finger banged. Yeah. Why couldn't she just do that? Yeah, that's in that new movie. Is it? Yeah, there's the, fuck, it's like the legal thriller that's out, and she's the attorney, and she hires guys to fuck her. Come on.

Yeah, she's like busy, busy, busy. What movie is this? Fuck, what's her name? The Redhead. I have to look it up, man. Miss Sloan? Is that the name of the movie? Oh, yeah.

I know what you're talking about. I know it's not about, it's about gun control. She's a lobbyist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a lobbyist, right? Or a lawyer for a lobbyist or something. Jessica Chastain. Jessica Chastain.

So she plays like this really, you know, high power. And she gets finger banged? She hires dudes to fuck her in hotel rooms. She only has like, and she hires them for like an hour. Because all she has is like, you know, very little free time. But anyway, Liam was talking about Dr. Squirts. So do you think it's cheating? Would you let your wife go to Dr. Squirts?

I think guys that get paid to be able to bang chicks like that, that is, in society's eyes, that's probably way less looked down upon than a girl pays for sex. That guy's actually a stud. Isn't that odd? It is odd, yeah. If a guy gets paid to go and fuck a girl, you don't go, oh, that poor bastard's being exploited. You go, well, he's a stud isn't that odd it is odd yeah like the guy if a guy gets paid to go and fuck a girl you don't go all that poor bastard's being exploited right you go well he's a stud right

but if it was the reverse and it was a male lawyer right with red hair oh yeah couldn't get sex yeah right because the beautiful lawyer with red hair oddly enough if it's a woman yeah it's extra attractive and if it's if it's man, it's open season on jokes. Right. Ginger jokes. I don't get it. I don't know what the fuck's going on with that red hair discrimination we have in this country. It's prevalent here.

Yeah. It's pretty strong. But if a guy was a male lawyer with red hair, decided to get a prostitute, we'd feel bad for the hooker. Right. This poor girl. Yeah. Oh, she's just gone down a bad road. But meanwhile, the dude with a leather belt around his dick, you know, that's strolling

into town. He's just like, yeah, he's like a stud. Slinging dick. He's just a dick slinger. Yeah. Isn't that weird? And getting paid. Paid.

How many of those are there? Remember that was like American Gigolo, Richard Gere? Magic Mike. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Magic Mike. Was Magic Mike about gigolos too? Yeah, they were strippers.

I don't know if they were fucking girls, but I'm sure they were. Then there was that gigolo show. There was a gigolo show? Yeah, on Showtime. Wait, what was the guy's name? The Grace? Yeah, man. There was?

Yeah, followed around real ones. Oh my God. It's amazing. You've never seen gigolos? No, I didn't. It's so good. I always learn about awesome things from you. That's all he fucking does.

I thought about it last night. I was like, you know, I never heard of Diantword before him. Oh, they're the best. Oh, but he was talking about Diantword when Isla was born. Like, you were talking about it in 2006. Talking about what? Diantword. You don't even fucking remember them.

The South African band? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys are the shit. I love them. Yeah. And you were like, what is this? And then I watched it and then became obsessed with you, a Landy Foster.

Oh, they're both amazing. These are the Jiggalos. Look at that. I like the silver fox. So there's Nick Hawks. He also is a rapper. Like Ian Bagg on the corner. The guy in the far right?

The guy in the far right is a rapper. Who, Ian Bagg? No, Ian, no. You know their names? Yeah. Oh, my God, Tommy Bunz. I mean, there's Brace. He's like the paternal whore of the group.

This dude's covered in tattoos. Yeah, he really sweats himself hard. Does he? Yeah, the guy on the left, he connects with them, like energy. Oh, a little spirit. That makes sense. American Indian? Native American?

He's half black, half white, the guy next to him. He can give you that brother dick. I sense that he would have the hog of the group. He would have the biggest hog. Oh, he's got a hammer on him for sure. Who's the silver fox on the... That's Brace. Brace?

Oh, that's the guy I like. How old's Brace? Brace is, like I said, he's kind of... That's actually their booker, the guy to his left. He runs the hooker studio. And then that's a new hoe on the right. He's a southern hoe. He's like from Nashville or something.

So the older gentleman, is he hoeing as well? Yeah, he's hoeing too. Brace has been doing it the longest. He's been at it like 25, 30 years. He's just been fucking and then got paid because he realized he was good at it. He looks like Rob Lowe a little bit. What? Looks like Rob Lowe. In the eyes.

You definitely should work for one of those police places. So the guy looks like Rob Lowe and this is what he sounded like. And then they arrest this guy and they just go, what the fuck, Burt? This guy's a good guy. He's been on our podcast a couple times. Are you fucking shitting me?

Are you shitting me? Yes. You guys wouldn't have me on your podcast, but you had this fucking guy on your podcast? We would have you on any time. When I was trying to promote this message, you guys didn't have me. But you had Brace on? I got bumped for Brace? Wait a minute.

Two years ago. Oh, okay. But we haven't had a guest in years. Jesus, Bert. It doesn't have to be about you, buddy. We're talking about this hooker. Yeah. He's a good guy.

I bet he is. But isn't it fascinating, though, that a person who does that... By the way, he always goes out of his way to be like, look, dude, I'm not a fucking $2 meet-me-in-the-alloway hoe. I'm like, I know. But it's just fun to call a guy a hoe. Yeah. He's got to accept the fact.

I know, but it's just fun to call a guy a hoe. Yeah, he's got to accept the fact. You know, what I was thinking that we were talking about earlier about this Ronda Rousey thing, why people are so mean. someone who tries to be extraordinary because it makes us feel like weak and and and lazy in comparison and like not as ambitious like if someone wants to be the best right at anything if someone claims they're the best whether it's conor mcgregor or whether it's ronda rousey like that that fucking rush to make it to number one scares a lot of us. Yeah, because it makes you look at what extent you're willing to go to for what you want to achieve. And then it makes you go, am I actually doing things like fulfilling my own potential?

That's what those moments do. And you almost want to punish them if it goes wrong, like way more than you want to punish anyone else for anything else that goes wrong. So then let's put this in perspective because I just, by the way, I'm talking about friends of mine. I'm not calling people out at all, but like I saw Kevin Hart today on CNN and it wasn't about comedy. He was talking about how his job is now to inspire people to be better. And I was like, that's odd that I would kevin talk like that because he is funny as shit and that's what he's really good at is being fucking hilarious but apparently he's like a fitness guru and like he's like it's he's on a different level now and i went wow is that the level where people start to

fucking like to say what they did with amy or what that you know like or what they did with dane is like you see a comic get bigger than that and then all of a sudden everyone's like slip up once and we'll fucking eat your lunch for sure there's a lot of that and it may you know it's like you want to celebrate the people that take the risk to climb to the highest mountains but you want to mock them if they they fall but it's oftentimes not the same people that are mocking them like we're all experiencing like obviously i have zero animosity towards ronda rousey and 100 admiration for what she stands for as a competitor like what she tried to do and what she accomplished and the coming back thing so i don't experience it on the negative side but the the, on the, the people that do though,

the people that feel like they have a free shot to go at, there's, there's enough of them that it makes a difference. So even if all the same people appreciate you, whether you win or lose, the perspective shifts because so many more people that maybe you wouldn't ordinarily be in contact with who are negative or mocking it and and and you know and really like being like absolutely vicious about their the criticism and the way like trying to knock you down when you're already down it's not just a matter of it being accurate or funny which you're gonna always have that you're gonna always have people that crack jokes

and make fun it's always always going to exist. Sure. But there's this viciousness of attacking someone when they're down. There's some venom in some of it. There's some venom in everything. And that's part of why me wonders. Like, I go, is that, like, I've never been cool with self-promotion. It's always made me uncomfortable. But I've seen people in our business that are very cool with it. Well, you know, Kevin Hart is a master at it, you know?

But he knows what he's doing, and he's a very, very smart guy. Yeah, he's really smart. He's very smart on many levels. But at the id, I wonder, I think Kevin would, I don't know if Kevin would not say this. He's aspiring to be a mogul. He's aspiring to surpass not just being an entertainer, but to being a mogul. He's aspiring to surpass not just being an entertainer, but to being a culture, culture, culture influencer.

And he is. He already is. He really is. Why was that hard to say? Culture influencer. But he is. He really is. No question about it.

I was just reading an article about him and he's on the cover of Fast Company. Yeah, I saw that. I was reading the article and it's just, it's incredible the

amount of things. He's going to buy a studio, like a big warehouse, actually not far from here, and wants to produce TV shows, movies, online content, all within there. Continue to do movies.

Obviously, he has the stand-up. He has endorsements from like an athlete would all these different he's got a shoe deal shoe deal he has an app

I think he like he's a wizard yeah it's like it's all these different things everybody I mean if you want to be that guy you should follow his footsteps and by the way

he's that guy the other thing about Kevin or at least that I don't I only know him from when we were kids like when we were young starting

from that time I don't know him. I haven't talked to him in probably 10 years. I did a BET show with him. Did you? Yeah. He's the greatest guy in the world. He's the greatest fucking guy in the world.

Only met him once. He's a very nice guy. But he's, I have a funny story about him. I bought a pair of Jordans one time at the mall. I was going to play basketball and I bought Jordans. I didn't know you didn't play basketball in Jordans. You don't? No, that's the big thing.

That's the life lesson here. What are you talking about? When you're black... Are you black? No, no, but this is the rule. The Jordans are not meant for white guys. Let me back this up. Tommy, stop me. I'm drunk already. Jordan, listen, just let me back this up. Let me back this up. Do you work for MTV News? Tommy, stop me.

Tommy, stop me. I'm drunk already. So when you're black, you play basketball in basketball shoes, like shitty shoes. And Jordans are meant for like going out. Jordans are like nice shoes. You don't wear them on the basketball court. That's the rule. I didn't know that.

I bought a pair of Jordans thinking I'd go play basketball. They're the best basketball shoes. That's not the rule. So when you buy Jordans, they come in a Jordan bag. They don't just come in thinking I'd go play basketball. They're the best basketball shoes. That's not the rule. So when you buy Jordans, they come in a Jordan bag. They don't just come in like a Foot Locker bag. They come in a Jordan bag. Kevin Hart was in the mall, and he saw me and my buddy Croy walking through the mall, and I had a Jordan bag, and Kevin came up, and he grabbed my Jordan bag from behind my back,

and he goes, give me them Jordans. And I turned around, and all I saw was his skin color. I didn't see Kevin, and I went, help! And I screamed, and it to him, Jordans. And I turned around and all I saw was his skin color. I didn't see Kevin. And I went, help! And I screamed and Kevin saw the racism in my eyes and went, oh, Bert. And I was like, sorry, Kevin. I didn't know it was you.

I thought it was just some black kid. He was like, Bert! Is that racism or are you being robbed? Yeah, it's a little bit of both. By someone who could probably run faster than you. What the fuck? How is that racism but anyway if he wasn't trying to say give me them Jordans

he grabbed the bag and shook it I freaked dude I jolted like a shark in the water dude if that was a Chinese guy you'd be shitting your pants if somebody else if they had been role reversed if you had done that to somebody there's a good chance you would have gotten punched or gone viral on YouTube I think that's a whole line.

Definitely punch somebody if they don't expect it. You know how sometimes you just catch someone and they're already on seven, and you're like, hey, dude, how'd you get to seven? What's going on? Oh, sorry, man. My fucking wife just fucking, all right, dude, give me a hug, bro. How'd you get to seven?

Fired up. And we've all been like, you know, have you ever been in a road rage situation where someone cuts you off and you just get so much more mad than you normally would? Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't know, you're like, you fucking cunt. And you're like, where did this come from? Like, I had to react.

Obviously, this person's an idiot. This is a bad move. But what is it that gets you to seven so quickly? But do you get that less where you live versus Hollywood? No, you can get it everywhere, man. Because when I drive out where you live or where I live or where Tommy lives, like this area, it's a little chiller. Like it's not, Hollywood is fucking too much.

Aggressive. Too much. You know what's real aggressive? Just outside of Hollywood. Hollywood adjacent, where they can't quite live in Hollywood, but they're right next to it and they work there and they get, yeah. Studio city ish. Yeah.

Sherman Oaks ish. A lot of fucking crazy drivers out there. Yeah. Teeth critters. You ever arrived somewhere at a seven like yourself, you know, like you're checking at a hotel. Oh yeah. Yeah. I've done that where I've, um, you know, it's a bunch of shit led to me getting there.

And then I have like an exchange with somebody and then later I'll go back and be like uh hey i just want to tell you earlier when i got here i felt like i was um little yeah short with you and they're like oh no problem they're always very much downplaying it but i'll feel bad about it you know i had a fight with a uh with a with a car driver a guy that drove me from the airport in front of my house like not a fist fight but a verbal because he was late he was like 30 minutes late to pick me up and then when he did show up he was at the wrong terminal and then when he did get me he blamed it on me yeah for not telling him where i was landing and i was like that's not my job yeah and then he got when i dropped when he dropped me off he got mad at me because i didn't speak to him the whole ride home i had headsets in and I fucking told you that. Wait a minute. He actually said he said, I said, I go to you, man.

I said to him, I got out and I go, I gotta be honest with you, man. That's not the best service I've ever had. And he goes, well, it was a little disrespectful. You're not speaking to me. And I was like, what? And he goes, you didn't talk to me the whole ride. That's, that's disrespectful. I went, it's not my fucking job to entertain you.

I go, your job is to drive. Do you think I hired you to have a conversation? But I realized I'm having this fight with this guy in front of my house. I don't know anything about him. And I was like, and then I was like, and I, by the way,

I was going to tip him in the middle of like, when I said I had 20 bucks in my hand and he goes, I go, just so you know, that wasn't the best experience I've had or whatever. And then I had the 20 bucks in my hand. He was like, it was very disrespectful.

And then we started going back and forth. And then I said, I was like, fuck you. I'm not giving this to you. And then in a weird way, I went hand he was like it's very disrespectful and then we started going back and forth and then I said I was like fuck you I'm not giving this to you and then in a weird way I went Bert give it to him or he's gonna come back and murder your family yeah and so I was like all right you know what take it we're even and then I had to come back and go I apologize I should and this is the weird part about my brain that is what I started this whole fucking talk about is is that I start going hey Bert how important in this fucking spectrum of life is it that this guy is 30? How often have you been 30 minutes late?

How often have you been 30 minutes late and then maybe got an attitude because you were defensive? I don't know. Maybe this guy was a cuckold. I don't know. That's what I thought about today when you were late. I wasn't late. It was two minutes late.

I ran here to no fucking avail. It was close. I should have my Uber driver drop me off in front of the place. You know what, man? I mean, I think the reality of people talking to each other is we come at exchanges sometimes and things get started like right away. Like something goes wrong with him and he shows up late. And so your interaction with him is already unbalanced because you expect him to be apologetic.

But how could he really apologize? You know, you fucked up. You did. So now I know who you are. You're that guy who doesn't take his job that seriously and you're him to be apologetic but how could he really apologize you know yeah fucked up you did so now i know who you are you're that guy who doesn't take his job that seriously and you're gonna drive me i'm just gonna put my headsets in then he's mad at you that you do that like there's a lot of things going on there man and maybe if he showed up on time the same guy and you would have had a great old time maybe there's a moment where he's driving and my headsets are in and they're really good noise reduction headsets. They're molds to your ear. Maybe he was driving.

He's like, Hey man, I'm really sorry. I'm going through a lot of shit. And he gives me his heartfelt speech. And I just like this. Right. I mean,

I don't know. There's a lot of scenarios that could have happened for sure. I always do a lot of things out of assumptions. You know, you make assumptions always like, eh, well he looked like this. And then the way that he looked, I know that guy's an asshole.

Are you ready for the difference of what you look like? Tommy looks different. I mean, I'm being serious when I say that. Physically? Yeah, physically. From the weight loss? You look, there's a non-assumingness to you. Like when I watched your last special, Mostly Stories.

Is that the way you're supposed to say it? Mostly Stories? Yeah, like that that Kansas City Improv this weekend yeah but like there is like a real fucking coolness to you like a like a Carmel coolness to you but now you look like a fucking like like and so when you meet people do you see people perceiving you differently not really not I mean they're so most people most people that would come to my show are- Not those people. I'm talking about Starbucks. Holy shit.

Look at the difference between you and them. Holy- Look at me. Turn straight on. Shit, Tom. Wow. That's incredible. Are you fucking kidding me?

Yes, I am. Okay. Holy shit, Tom. Your fucking neck is bigger. Your head's incredible. Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, I am. Okay. Holy shit, Tom. Your fucking neck is bigger. Your head's bigger. Your face is bigger. Your shoulders are bigger. Your face is so much bigger.

So much bigger. Yeah. Everything's bigger. Your fingers. Yeah. Is your ring looser? Yes. Do you feel like God's telling us we should cheat?

Take it off. You look good, Tom, and Bert runs trains on bitches on the road. Yeah, pull up Bert's special. What's it called? Sometimes. No, I'm only 15 pounds lighter. No. Yeah.

You only lost 15 pounds. What are you talking about? And that from the special. The special I shot nine months ago. Showtime, yeah. I lost weight for the special. Do you got weight in it? No, no, no.

You want to see a good one? There we go. Pull up Ari Shafir's Flying Dildos. Look at that one right there. That's not as good as Flying Dildos. Go to Flying Dildos. This is when I was on a bender with Stan Hope. Oh, yes, he's right.

He's right. Go to... Ari Shafir's Flying Dildos? Yeah, it's on YouTube. Yes, he is right. It just posted today. Go to video and you'll see me oh this is me just obese what about that picture right there the one with the

pole can't you go full screen no but yeah you definitely look oh my god look Chinese you look a lot fatter you look so happy and we baked there what a beautiful so fucked up is that one of those Hong Kong suits Ari got? Yeah. That's a beautiful goddamn suit. It's nice. The ruffles and the collar and everything? I got a couple there, too.

It's like a fun little experience to go through. Yeah. In Hong Kong, you had? In Hong Kong, yeah. Wow. That's the only thing that's changed is this little fold right here. Like my belly started folding over. I wanted to get rid of that immediately.

What size are you there? Like what weight are you? Probably 250. Wow. Yeah. Dude, you look really different. Well, dude, you still lost 30 fucking pounds. I mean, you're kind of down on yourself a little bit in this thing.

That's a giant accomplishment. You know how few people have the willpower to lose 30 pounds like that in that quick of amount of time? I mean, that was a Herculean effort. You guys, I don't understand. I don't even know if you understand the impact that it has on people. When someone does that and you see people do it, there's so many people out there right now that didn't think that they had the ability inside them to do it. Yeah. But they love you guys and they listen to your podcast and they hang out with you guys

and you, you know, you do shows in their town. They do, they come to the show. They know that you did it. You just, you did it and you did, there's nothing and you you know you do shows in their town they do they come to the show they know that you did it you just you did it and you did there's nothing like i know you're a person you did it i'm 30 pounds overweight i want to lose the weight i know bert did it i can do it too now that's real those are the cool tweets we get i know there's been a lot of really cool ones where you go like well hey man and i like when they do it there's a joke attached to but like they go hey man This has been the coolest thing I've ever seen Kamal Bell. Did you see his tweet? Yes, I did. Kamal Bell was like I didn't think this would be as fun as it is. This is awesome

I want to be a part of it. Yeah, he wants to lose some weight. I thought that was really cool Kamal's such a fucking great guy. He's a really nice guy. I've had him on before he's a super nice guy. Super smart Yeah, we're talking about doing another one. That would be great if you wanted to do that. Who does he want to do it with? I don't know. He's got to pick it. Find a buddy that wants to do it. Like I said, pick someone you hate.

That's what I did. Yeah, it's got to be someone you love so it's good natured and it's fun and it's encouraging. And then people could do it too. It could become like your own personal roast battle. Yeah. It does help. Dude, there were shots fired back and forth from between me and Tom. That was what made it fun, though, I think.

The videos that we played yesterday. As a fan, I would have been like, I like these guys. This is what I'm fucking talking about. Yeah, yours. Tommy, drink your vodka soda. What's up? Come on, just drink it. Hold on.

Ari responded on the end of his podcast he released today. Yeah. Do you want me to play what he says? I know what he says Just play it Let's play it Talk shit about him Come on Tommy, drink some fucking vodka Mark Norman for inviting me over to your place I love him

He's one of my favorite people ever the bet took place and what I didn't first of all there's no way in my mind I expected to lose that bet

for one of them to be below obese was beyond incomprehensible for both of them it was a sure thing for me

it was a sure thing I mean in terms of bag of bets like we do on Punch Drunk, this one, a sporting event, fucking golden. I've got it in the bag. Of course they're not both going to be under obese. And I guess they are. I mean, I hope, I'm hoping that tomorrow they're going to weigh in and they're going to be a little bigger. And maybe Segura will only be six feet tall.

If he's six feet tall, he's right on the border right now of obese or not obese. It's that 6'1 thing that gets him under. Six feet, he gains about a point and a half on his BMI. That's one of my only hopes, that tape measure. If he's 5'11", then I'm good, but it doesn't seem like people are believing that. But Segura said he was 5'11", and now now i got these people fucking threatening me on social media i've got people threatening me and telling me like uh to call me welcher we haven't even had the two weigh-ins yet we're supposed to have three weigh-ins but fine forgo the first one the first i assume they did that one at home

at rogan second third two days in a row they They got it. So I haven't even officially lost yet. I got people threatening me. I don't feel safe. They know what city I live in. And then to Gord, these are my friends. My friends are coming at me. I was like, all right. Off chance I lose.

What, what? We all go to a Dodger game? That'll be fun. That'll be fun. You lost some weight. No, don't have a Dodger dog. That'll be fun. That'll be fun. You lost some weight. Go, no, don't have a Dodger dog. Don't have the extra large one.

Burt Crusher eats barbecue fucking seven times a week. How in the world does he lose 15 pounds? 15. 30. I mean,

how does that happen? And then I got my friends hitting me up for fucking... They want first class tickets to Europe. I don't know what to do. I can't fucking... I'm flustered. I'm flustered for sure.

I'm afraid. I can't be here with this. I can't be here with them coming after me like this. They haven't even waited the second day, but it's going to happen. I know it's going to happen tomorrow. So if they each lose a pound, unless Tom's 5'11", I mean, that's a chance. If Tom's 5'11", I got a chance. That would mean he'd win the bet for

most loss of weight, but they wouldn't both be under obese. So fucking Burt would have to... You guys, you haven't dealt with this kind of backlash. Until you've dealt with it, you haven't dealt with it. That guy who killed the lion

in Zimbabwe or Zaire or one of those places. There was just a Z in Africa. There was just a Z in Africa. So everyone got on him for killing chutney. Until you find out, oh, there's 80 lions get killed every year. They got to keep the population down and they start killing babies.

Human babies. But nobody cares about that. So this fucking dentist in Rhode Island has to face death threats all the time. You don't know what it's like to get a fucking e-rage against you. And these people are coming at me, and my phone calls, my texts, it's, you know, first of all, I can't text thread with a flip phone.

So every text comes in new, they ask questions like, what does that mean? I have to delete my text after a while, because I have to make room for old ones. So, you got Segura saying, open up your wallet. You haven't even fucking won the bet yet. First guy. What do I do?

Who watches football? Who watches European football? I can't do this. I can't deal with it. Listen to me. I'm fucking flustered. It's very possible that he's under height. Barring that, I don't know.

I can't be here for this. I can't be here with them coming after me. I gotta get out of here. Hilarious, man. I gotta get the fuck out of here and I gotta get away from this until I can figure out what to do.

That's what I gotta do. That's what I gotta do. I gotta get the fuck away from this. Yeah. Yeah, that's my answer. Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Okay, anybody who wants to listen to the rest of it or all of it, Archfier Skeptic Tanks, one of my favorite podcasts. I listen to it all the time. It's awesome. I recommend the Henry Rollins one, which Bert scoffed at. Henry Rollins is different than I am. You were extremely dismissive of him.

Shut the fuck up! It was insulting. He's got a gang of them. Dave Smith is a great one. No, no, the best one? The best one's Running of the Bulls. Oh, that's a great one, too. It's a fucking great one. He's got a lot of great ones. Ari has a really, really good podcast. He's going to run off the map right now for a while.

He's just good. Good, good. He needs to. I mean, if he thinks he needs to, he needs to. What I love about what Ari's doing is he's living his life 100% on his terms. He's not doing it by anybody else's standards. And he's doing the exact, what I think, the best thing a comic can do if he makes it. Like, once you make it, like, relax and just have fun and be yourself

and only do the things you want to do and don't let them suck you into nonsense. But you've been on both sides of that fence. Yeah, for sure. The fear factor was a great— Like, I'm talking post-family, pre-family. Yeah, that too. Oh, yeah, that's a different thing. I mean, if he had a family, it would be a totally different thing.

But he—or even if he even considered having one or even a girlfriend yeah, that's a different thing. I mean, if he had a family, it would be a totally different thing. Or if he even considered having one or even a girlfriend, it would be a different thing. But he's been tied down in the past. And right now what Ari's enjoying is creating stand-up, doing stand-up, doing his podcast, and just enjoying life and enhancing his perspective and taking it all in. And these trips that he goes on, he's like orchestrating them. He wants to see things. He wants to absorb experiences from other parts of the world. And it's all enhancing his stand-up, too.

That's very accurate. And I say this from my perspective. As probably an expert in world travel, I would tell you, Ari does it better than anybody. And I'm not even fucking around. I've done it for seven years straight. But Ari went to Switzerland and had a different life experience than I did. And now mine was under production. But, like, he really does it great.

I wanted to pitch a show so bad that where, you know, because Ari is disappearing right now. I wanted to pitch a show and go, can I find Ari? Like, can I find him? Well, you'll be able to find him. It's social media. Some American will find him. No, he's going off the grid. He's going off the fucking grid.

What does that mean, though? He wants to go where there's, you know, he's not bringing any laptop or anything like that. He's disappearing for real. But other people have phones. That's true. If they see him, they'll say, oh, Ari's in Sweden. No, no, no.

I think he's going to Micronesia or some shit. Yeah, he's trying to go off path stuff, too. He's going to get malaria. Yeah. I hope he takes the pills. I told him to take. Dude, do not take the pills. Malaria pills?

Come on, take it. We've talked about it. I thought I had fucking horrific. You get the injections, though. I had a horrific experience. What should you do? Vaccinations. Vaccinations?

Yeah. Or just don't take them at all because you're probably not going to get malaria. What? I thought a lot of people Get malaria No No We went to Africa I've talked to you about this

On your podcast I took malaria pills I was fucking Right I remember that shit I was off the charts For a while My friend Justin Wren

Got malaria three times though Three times? Three times Dude that fuck malaria The dengue fever Is the one you don't want to get Well malaria has killed Half the people

That have ever lived Yeah but that Yeah yeah yeah In the books Or half the people That have ever killed half the people that have ever lived. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the books. Or half the people that have ever died. Half the people that have ever died

have died from malaria. Yeah, but that's before they had malaria pills. But they don't take them, though. Do you understand the preposterousness of getting advice from me now, sir? Light that up one more time.

Tommy, let's see how fucked up we can get. What? Come on, Tommy. Come on. Pretend you're big. Ari's texting. Pretend you're big, Tommy.

Ari's? Yeah. Ari's just super happy that his rich friend decided to step in and foot the bill. Fuck, yeah. Hey, Joe, did you ever hear the ballad of Big Tommy Buns? That was pretty fun. The song I wrote? No.

I'm not going to let you play it here, but I wrote a song about Tom, and that was the greatest part of this whole thing. You wrote a song? Oh, yeah. You wrote and played and sang. I wrote and played and sang a song called The Ballad of Big Tommy Buns. Oh, how dare you. The one cool thing about this, and this is esoteric.

I might as well hit this. I don't think I've ever said anything's esoteric, but please continue. You never said it before you hit a joint? I never said this is esoteric. I might as well hit this. I don't think I've ever said anything's esoteric, but please continue. You never said it before you hit a joint? I never said this is esoteric. This is so fucking hyperbole. I don't even think I exactly know what esoteric means. I don't either, Joe, but it sounds good in a sentence. Give me the exact definition of esoteric.

Yeah, pull that up, would you? Okay, what do you think esoteric means? It's out there. Yeah, right. What, would you? Okay, what do you think esoteric means? It's out there. Yeah, right. Bizarre. What does it mean here? Intended or likely to be understood by a small number of people with specialized knowledge. This is esoteric, Joe.

This is esoteric. This is what I'm about to say is esoteric. Okay. Intended or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest or an enlightened inner circle. Joe Rogan, this is esoteric, what I'm about to say, and you will get this more than anyone. That's a lot of pressure. Hit that and then listen. I think you'll get it.

Do you know how sometimes when you work for a corporation and your paycheck is dependent on that corporation's approval? Not right now. I'm in the middle of an esoteric statement. Yes. Okay. Es right now. I'm in the middle of an esoteric statement. Yes. Okay. Esoteric. And then you get out from under that corporation, and all of a sudden you are the one that kind of,

you almost feel your creativity again. You go like, oh, fuck, I forgot I'm a really great stand-up. I forgot that I'm passionate about making video. And you go, oh, I can be my own voice. It's my own ship now i forgot that when i started this business uh it was the goal wasn't to get under the umbrella the goal was to be out there in the fucking ocean by myself and sailing my own ship right and saying go take a left fuck it right um this weight loss battle coincided with my decision to stop being under

contract for travel channel and i was i was really lost okay i was really lost and i was like i didn't know where i'd where i didn't know if i should just take another television deal and or just do another deal with try i didn't know what to do i really didn't know what to do and uh this weight loss battle happened around that time and and like bill burr says poetically i started taking on water and I felt fucking crazy about it. And then one morning I woke up and I went, oh, Tom is having a lot of fun with this. Like he's having fun. Him and Push are having a lot of fun.

And I was like, I'm going to write a song. And I wrote a song. And I wrote this stupid song. Look, I was like, I was, but it was like, I felt very creative. And I didn't feel like there was any parameters on me anymore. And I was like, oh, this is what my career is about. My career is about doing everything I like. And everything I like. And if you like what I like, come see me do stand up. But if you don't like what I like, like, fuck it. This is what I like to do. This is my,

this is my walk. This is my walk through the woods. And it was like, and I know that I don't think Tommy can attest to that as much as you can, because being under fear factor, I don't think you ever were like under anyone's control. There definitely a a corporate umbrella that you're under where you're like oh i can't you know how long did i not smoke pot on camera like you know like a long time yeah and so as soon as that fucking happened all that happened i wrote that song and it was like it's one of those moments where he's just like oh i get to do whatever the fuck i want to do anymore like yeah i'm just a dude that likes for comedy the same way ari is where he goes i'm getting off the grid that, that freedom.

That freedom, man. Being untethered. Ari and I had a long podcast about being untethered. But being untethered is so cool as an artist. You just get to do what you want to do. You know? That's why we probably love guys like Ron White, Jim Jefferies, these guys that are Bill Burr. They're just untethered. And Ari.

And Ari, of course. I get inspired by the way Ari's living. I really do. Sure. I really, it gives me enthusiasm. He's having fun. He's creating. He's doing stand-up.

He's making rational choices regardless of how much money it'll cost him. And he's like, this is what I want to do for my art. This is what I want to do for my stand-up. I'm taking time off. I'm just going to go experience life and write. And people are like, what? What are you doing? Where are you going? And he's like, that's what I'm doing. Just stop.-up. I'm taking time off. I'm just going to go experience life and write. And people are like, what? What are you doing? Where are you going? And he's like, that's what I'm doing. Just stop. I know what I'm doing. Stop.

He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. It's like, for me, having known him since he was an open miker. You've really seen those. You've known him in a way that I don't know him. We were talking about you one time in front of his apartment. Those are the best. You know that we've had them too.

When you go to take someone home, you drop them off in front of their house, but you sit and talk for 10 more minutes. You had one with Bill Burr that I wish I had. Yeah, it's great. But Ari dropped me off and he was like, we were talking about intimacy levels. It's going to sound silly, and I'm not going to call Ari out, but I'll say this is what we were talking about. We were talking about you, and I said something this is what we were talking about. We were talking about, like, how much we were talking about you, and then

I said something like, oh, I texted him yesterday. I feel bad texting him again. And Ari goes, oh, I don't want to text him too much either. And I said, yeah, but he's our friend. We should be able to text him the way we text each other. And he goes, I know, but I don't want to, like, I don't want to bother him. And I go, yeah, but he'd do it to us. And we were like, yeah, we were having this really kind of crazy conversation. And I realized

Ari and I are like, that those moments in life are, like, crazy conversation. And I realized Ari and I are like, those moments in life are like so precious. But I don't know where the fuck this story was going. How come you guys are scared to text me? We're scared to text. Like Bill. I do the same with Bill. Oh, yeah. You're scared to text Bill?

Yeah. I'm scared of follow up. Like I text Bill. I'll text him right now. I'll text him right now. And either he replies in like a day, in a day. Are you needy? No. No. There's got to. Look, this is going to sound. Tommy, back me up, please. text him right now i'll text him right now and either he replies in like a day in a day are you needy no no there's got look this is gonna sound tommy back me up please back me up on this yes

yes i will but like but like like i text bill hey man you know are we doing this thing on monday and then he doesn't get i don't get a reply i'm not gonna bother him i do the same because i know he's got a lot of shit going on and i go and i and i i have shit going on too but trust me like and you guys know like if you or you or are you joey or bill or any of you guys text me Because I know he's got a lot of shit going on, and I have shit going on too, but trust me. And you guys know, if you or you or Ari or Joey or Bill or any of you guys text me, these are my first reply. Right. I go, oh, yep, right on it. You can see my bubble come up in the bottom before you're done typing.

Yeah, it's a weird requirement, right? There's times where, and more so lately than ever, that I've been just putting my phone in the other room it in the other room and I just leave it alone for hours. I think that that's not a bad thing to do, man. Everybody checks their phone during podcasts and everybody checks their phone during the movies. Young Jamie, how much do you have? Well, I mean, we have another hour of podcasting. We should do that.

You don't want to trim that beard yet? You want to do it now? You want to do it on the air? I think so. No, we're definitely doing it on the air. Okay. Do you want to trim his beard? Definitely? Yeah, okay But you gotta sit side saddle on me. Okay That's only gonna take about 10 15 minutes, so we'll wait till the end. We'll wrap it. Okay Okay, wrap it up the I keep people here to wrap it up my daughter Did you see the videos my daughter's did on Instagram? No, I go I said something I go Hey, give me a kiss on the cheek. I wouldn't kiss

me on the cheek. She was just fucking mad dog me. And I go, I'll give me a kiss on the cheek. This last cheek, you might get a kiss of the beard. And she goes, gives it to me. She goes, Oh, it's wet. And then Georgia comes in and then does kiss on the cheek. And then I go, do you guys think I'm going to win today? And they went, Nope. And I said, are you serious? And they said, Nope. And I was like, are you guys ready to see me without a beard? And they're like, nope. They pulled out my wedding album, me and Leanne, and started looking through pictures. And they're like, oh, we've got to get used to it.

You've got to give us some time. Wow, that's so weird. You're defined by your facial hair. In a weird way. Do you want to keep it? No. You let them keep it? No, no.

Did you let them keep it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Were you going to let them off the hook? Oh keep it? No Did you let him keep it? Yeah, yeah, yeah Really? Were you going to let him off the hook? Oh, 100% Hold on I can't do that I'm not a welcher

It's not welching if the guy lets you off the hook I would let you off the hook if you want to keep it No, I can't I can't Never mind By the way This is in Russia This is in Russia

Really? Where did you get this picture? Is this from the machine thread? This is in Russia Look, I'm wearing an ATO shirt. Oh my god. It's like the second picture that pops up. Are you fucking serious? Look at that. You're pushing the stomach out. It's so small then. Dude, you're tiny.

You look like you weigh about 210. By the way, Joe, what am I rocking? Lower that. Lower that, Jamie. What are you rocking? Lower that. A fucking fanny pack. All you motherfuckers that have seen me do stand up and I say, when I met Igor in his door, I was wearing a purple Kelty fanny pack. That's the fucking fanny pack. All you motherfuckers that have seen me do stand up and I say, when I met Igor in his door, I was wearing a purple Kelty fanny pack. That's the fucking fanny pack. It's the small details that make a story.

And that's a fucking Baltzka in my pocket. It's not. It's a what? A Baltzka. That's their local beer in St. Petersburg. Oh, you have a beer in your pocket. Yeah. That's.

Is that purple or is that like a bluish? It's a purple Kelty fanny pack. That was the best. If I could go back, if I could find that fanny pack, I'd wear it every day of my life. It was the best fanny pack I ever had because the way they made it was that the top part was flat, you know, so it went out like a solid three inches. So you rest your beer on that?

No, no, no, no. So that when you opened it, you were looking at like a portfolio of your stuff. It wasn't slid in like another pocket. That was the great – if anyone can find me that purple Kelty fanny pack. See if young Jamie can locate it online. How did he get that picture? That was the great if anyone can find me that purple Kelty fanny pack so we just see if look is it see if Young Jamie can get online Look at you you savage you can find all the pictures of the Russian Mafia What is this from was this like an article about your last Showtime special a New York Post from a long time?

Oh, oh, it's my book came out by the way by the way They you want to hear what a dummy I am? I posed for that picture having no clue it was the fucking cover of Van Wilder. Oh, that's hilarious. I had no fucking clue. Oh, really? Yeah, he was like, and I was like. So they asked you to dress like that and you didn't know why?

They brought the shit. Did a photo shoot and I had no fucking clue. Oh, that's hilarious. I had no fucking clue. That's weird. Did you do the tug of party? Did you ever see Van Wilder? Of course, yeah. No. You ever see it?

No. I don't remember. I really don't remember. I may have. It's hard to tell. What's that? Whether or not I've seen it. It's one of those movies like, hmm.

I've never seen it. I watched Christmas Vacation the other day. So funny. Dude. Yeah. That is a goddamn funny movie still. Shitter's Fall. That's a good movie, man.

It's a great fucking movie. Yeah, I mean, it is a great movie. But the way I'm saying it, I'm like, it's like, I really enjoyed it. We should light that one more time. Goddamn. Come on, Tommy. Finish that vodka up, Tommy. Tommy, come on.

Bird is going deep. I love this feeling. This could be a... Yeah, ice. I've never seen Van Wilder, and I took a meeting with their production company. They brought me in to do a sitcom. They had my book in front of me, and they go, Do you know who we are?

I was like, No. We produced Van Wilder. Big fan of your work. We want to do a sitcom. And they're like, do you know, they have my book in front of me and they go, do you know who we are? And I was like, no. And like, we produce Van Wilder. Big fan of your work. We want to do a sitcom. And I was like, okay. And they're like,

have you ever seen it? And they're like, no. And this is what they said. They said, well, we should get Ryan Reynolds to come on your podcast

and watch it live with you. I was like, because it's his production company. It's Black Horse, I think, production company or something. Well, that tastes like barbecue.

Is it? What? That last hit tasted like No, Tommy, it's yours Tommy, it's yours Tommy, it's yours Do you need me to hold you down and tickle you? Tommy's good I'm totally good

He's reasonable in his approach We just cut off a fucking bender, bro Do you feel like you can release the hounds now and dive back into the fold with a vengeance simply with drugs and alcohol for a little bit yeah but like but not not food i you know it's really crazy is that um uh i had that i don't know i'm sure you felt it too because i watched you eat it but like that second piece of pizza didn't work well with me like my body was it was up in my throat and i was like oh and i was like it was it that second piece of pizza didn't work well with me. My body was up in my throat, and I was like, ooh. And I was like, it was too much of everything at one time.

Did you feel the same way? Yeah, I don't feel good. I watched you. I watched you because you had half the pizza. Yeah. Yeah. But the vodka is flowing. I have a business meeting.

You're going to do great. Wait, you're going to a meeting? I got a business meeting at four. Oh, that's plenty of time, dude. You'll only be slightly buzzed. I used to hear stories about Chappelle going into auditions high as fuck. And I used to go, I wish I had that confidence. You know, part of me goes, that's why

he's so successful is he didn't give a fuck. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Well, Dave is another example of a guy who just does things the way he wants to do them. And he knows – he realized after a while, I guess, when you're a guy like him or a guy like Ari, that it doesn't benefit you to have people influence you and tell you what to do. It just doesn't. And all three of us are a great example of that.

Like the best stuff I think that we've done is stuff that we've done online where you just you're yourself yeah you know like your podcast with your wife that that podcast is you guys being super fucking silly together like you always are and there's all this jeans mommy talk and it's fucking great and that would have never happened if somebody true you know had the the reins to it if there was a bunch of people that were executive producers and Comedy Central had like 10 people behind the scenes. I'm not getting this jeans comment.

What's high and tight? What's high and tight? What do you mean when you're glassing? When there's no reason for you to do it other than it's funny to you. That's it. I try to tell people. I'm sure you get asked a lot. I get like tons of emails.

Don't you get them from people that go, how should, what should I do to start? Oh yeah. That's hilarious. Did you ever do that? Let's answer all of them right now. You told me one time.

Hmm. Did you ever, remember you were developing a sitcom? Yeah. Did that ever happen or did it go away? It went away. Oh, can you please tell everyone what the premise was?

I'm walking through Walmart In like fucking Richmond, Virginia And Tom calls me And we're talking about sitcom talk And he goes, yeah, I'm developing Like real serious I go, really, what's your character? And he goes, me? I'm a doctor.

I go, you're a doctor? He goes, yeah. And I fucking lost it. I go, you don't look like a doctor. He goes, yeah, I know. But there was a twist to it. What's the twist? I fucking hate you.

You're a doctor. That's all that matters. It was a doctor that graduated last in medical school. So he's, like, essentially a a doctor. That's all that matters. It was a doctor that graduated last in medical school. So he's like essentially a dumb doctor. It was Tom going, scalpel? That's not how it went. The idea of you being a doctor was the best premise I've ever heard of a sitcom ever in my fucking life. Just doctor?

I just want to see. It could be a straight comedy, but the look on your face is that you don't know what's going on. Yeah, ogre. I don't think I've ever. How long did I laugh on the phone? Really long and really hard to where I was like, I didn't know what I'd done. Yeah. You've probably made me laugh harder than any one person that I know.

Really? A hundred percent. I do feel like. Everything has to be a contest. Well, I feel like. Yeah. I feel like. This is number one.

You know, when we do even the Bert stuff, we do it to make you laugh. I feel like there's a part of me that wants to make you laugh all the time. Seriously. There's parts. I wish I could share them on this podcast. But there's times. My favorite parts of Tom is when he is like the sideliner that says the thing or is affected by something. the sideliner that says the thing,

or is affected by something. The only one I can think of that's very applicable is me and Tom did, when I shaved his tits, we were in Honolulu doing Pearl Harbor. And the two things they said to us that we remember, don't make fun of the Hawaiian people, and if it's brown and it moves, kill it. That was what they said. If it's brown and it moves, kill it. That was what they said. If it's brown and it moves, kill it, and don't make fun of the Hawaiian people.

So Tom goes up. His first joke was, hey, man, island life here is slow. That's what they told me. I didn't know they were talking about the Hawaiians' metabolisms. Holy shit. Fucking huge laugh, but immediately it's off the, like, you're not allowed to say that. Gets on the set, kills, comes back to me. Russell Peters goes on stage, and you can hear the murmur in the crowd.

And Tom does this, like, snidely, witlash, like, giggle, like, and he goes, he's brown, he's brown, they're thinking about killing it. And Russell Peters does a set, mediocre, I would say, at best, and Russell murders, but it's because he's brown. And at that time they were saying if it's brown and they move, kill it. It's true. Wow. It's true. And then we had the, remember the show organizer was like, you guys fucked this up bad. You remember?

Oh, yes. And then he was like, I told you not to fucking make fun of the local people. I told you not to. I told you PG-13. You know what that means? That was not PG-13. I told you. He's like, there's children and there's wives of admirals here.

It was the rundown of how we had fucked up. Oh, no. Everything. Yeah. Oh, my God. And Russell Peters was the coolest fucking guy. Yeah. And up. Oh, no. Everything. Yeah. Oh, my God. And Russell Peters was the coolest fucking guy. Yeah. And to his testament, he was like, whatever.

Yeah, he was super cool about it. He'd give two fucks. Russell doesn't have a fuck in his gas tank. No, that's also completely empty. He really- He does whatever he wants, for sure. He's the best. Yeah, he's awesome.

He's the best. I would be like, I need to have some fucks in my gas tank. Do you remember? You don't, though. I think you've been connected to this idea that you need to for so long. If I didn't have fucks in my gas tank, I didn't live with Mel Gibson. You didn't live with Mel Gibson. I didn't leave me and Mel Gibson in this fucking Malibu house doing fucking hot shots.

Doing meth. Fucking brown, brown. Wait. Do you remember the girl that was on the tour of Pearl Harbor that wasn't with us necessarily? You're talking about? Yeah. And so we were- You're talking about Demberly?

Yeah. Joe! I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'll say it. Go ahead. Russell Peters was dating the dumbest human being I've ever met in my life. Oh, boy.

And no one- Oh, you're going to say that? Oh, Russell. Russell, I'll call him right now. I'll call him right now. He knows it. He's definitely not. He knows it.

Don't do that. No, he knows it. And we've talked, me and Russell have talked about this on my podcast. Yeah, okay. So it's fine. Trust me. Okay. First thing, before we even go on the tour, I say to Russell, in front of his...

It's me, Tommy and Push, Leanne and me, and Russell and Kimberly. Dimberly. And I say, and then Russell's brother, Clayton, who might be my favorite human being in the world. Amazing human being. He's awesome. I love his brother. Comes in and sits down and I go, oh, hey, have you guys ever seen that Indian porn star?

I don't know, what's her name? What's her name? And all of a sudden, everyone's face is shut. And she's like, are you talking about Siriana? No, it was a shot, and then you're like, she's so fucking hot. What's her name? What's her name? And all of a sudden, everyone's face is shut. And she's like, are you talking about Siriana or whatever? No, it was a shot. And then you're like, she's so fucking hot. She's the hottest. She's so fucking hot. I kept talking about how great this woman is.

I've never been attracted to any woman. This is the woman that switched my button. And Russell and Clayton are going like this. Like they're laughing so hard. And then she goes, he dated her. And Sierra Leone is her name. You're right. Yeah.

And then the next day, we went on the cruise to Pearl Harbor. Go ahead, Tom. We're on this cruise, and it's very kind of somber and serious. And then he goes, he's giving us the tour. It's an admiral, a rear admiral. He's like, we're on the approach here of where, I guess it's the Arizona, isn't that right, that's underneath? Yeah. And he goes, the Arizona is up here on the right and then dimbly goes are we

gonna go under and we're in an open boat like on the tour it's a boat yeah it's just a boat like where you can see the sky and stuff she thought it might turn into submarine yes just like an open-air like we were just gonna get under right Like where you can see the sky and stuff? She thought it might turn into a submarine? Yes. Just like an open air submarine. Like we were just going to get under. Right now. Right. I'm going to press the button.

By the way, the best group of people to witness that statement with is Russell Peters, who has his arm around her. And you watch his eyes go. Like, oh, fuck. And then Tom and Push are sitting right next to her. And Push is like stomping her feet going, is she serious? And then Tom's going. Imagine someone thinking that technology has reached a point where you could be in a boat. And all of a sudden they press a button and a roof comes over the boat and you dive underwater.

Look at the window. Imagine being that far off that you think you're on a submarine. Because all boats are submarines, right? They all go. Why wouldn't you just go under the water if you could? By the way, that was her first boat appearance ever. How about the first guy to get in a fucking submarine? Have you been in one?

No. Oh, dude. In Disneyland? Panic. They're such close quarters. Fucking panic. It's so small, man. Talk to me.

Dude, first of all, as soon as they closed the door, everything- What did you do? Where was it? Went down 109, no, that's too far. It must have been 100 feet. Where were you? Hawaii. Went down-

What was it for? Just floating a submarine for TV. You get in a submarine- What kind of submarine was it? I don't know, man. I'm not good at details it was like a submarine yeah yeah one of the war submarines no i'm sure it was touristy like oh really yeah yeah but once you get in was it a boat that turned into it or was it

no it was just a submarine oh wow holy shit but getting in there is very claustrophobic same i'd imagine being into a like an f-14 or something would be claustrophobic. Same shit. And you start going down, and then you realize, oh, fuck. If something goes wrong, everyone dies immediately. There's no exits. They don't give you a speech at the beginning. They just go, everyone sit down. Let's hope we do this. You know what would be the craziest community in the world?

What? If you could build an underwater, under-o got one i think like a like a submarine city where you literally build it into like you take a train through the ocean yeah to the center of the ocean where you have a city where you know you can't survive if anything goes wrong and you all live in this little thing where you have to keep that train path open because that's where the food and air comes from. That's the only way. Other than that, do you know how supercharged life would be? Do you know how nice people would be?

You'd be freaking out all the time. That is a genius fucking idea. Sitting in the ocean thinking about the fact that at any moment this could fuck up so this constant checks on all the tolerances of all the joints of all the glass all the vibration and you're just sitting there just being nice to each other having martinis hey i'm gonna go to sleep you think you can sleep i don't know what about you i don't know every day is like that i know and there's always enough air there's always enough air and there's always enough food as long as you keep that train open But if anybody's unhappy they just put a suicide vest on and go running in the middle of that fucking train

Oh that would happen. Oh how quickly do people? How long would it last no no no dudes would close off the blockage big guys like fucking Do we just close off the blockage you go? All right. there's a tariff being paid. That's how it worked. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. But would that work today? Would that work today?

Because it used to work. But it used to work without communication. Like the kind of communication that everybody has today with a smartphone, you know. I don't know if it would work the same way. I don't think you'd be able to do that the way you can 100 years ago or 200 years ago. You would have to have a super supportive community. And everybody would have to be

treated equally. Otherwise, if there's any disparity whatsoever, all someone would have to do is fucking point a gun at the wall. Yeah. It wouldn't last long, I think. I'm having a bad day! Someone better suck my dick! I mean, you wouldn't last long, I think. I'm having a bad day. Someone better suck my dick. I mean, you wouldn't be.

I saw that. I saw it in my imagination. Isn't that the best when you can see a joke over and over in your head and you go, oh. I saw a guy with a wife beater on and a fucking Clint Eastwood magnum pointed at a wall. I saw a guy with a wife beater on and a fucking Clint Eastwood magnum pointed at a wall. The joke I saw in my head that I could never get out is we were on Catalina one night with my sisters and we're all smoking pot. And they said, and there's buffalo that roam around there. And so I said, why is there a buffalo here?

And then my buddy Chris Gillen goes, oh, back in the 30s, the 20s, the owner of the Cubs owned this island. So he used to have spring training out here. So he brought the buffalo out. And my sister goes, for a scrimmage? And I saw the owner coming out in a seersucker shoot seeing buffalo on one side and the Cubs working out. And he goes, I'm at the fucking team. And I could not stop laughing at the image of him going out with a cigar. But when you can visualize it, it's the best.

Oh, that's fucking hilarious. Tommy, let's kill this vodka. Come on, let's kill this vodka. You're going hard. I'm going hard for Tommy. Congratulations, buddy. Listen, listen. I got to be honest with you.

I feel personally I can't enter a bet. I didn't go soft today. I went hard today. I went really hard on the treadmill. I didn't go hard not to shave your beard. Yeah, really? I'm being serious. I was like, that's the moment.

That's the moment. I don't know. I can't leave here without a beard. I feel very guilty. I feel like everyone that tuned in, everyone that watched goes like, hey, man, it doesn't really matter to me. But then part of me goes, I don't know. I'll leave it up to you guys. Are you switching that now? No.

You're putting it in our hands? No, no, I'm putting it in your hands. Wait, you mean that you're not saying. No, you can shave my beard. I don't give a fuck. No, but you just said I'm putting it in your hands now. In that, like, I feel guilty. My book is, you can shave my beard. I don't give a fuck. No, but you just said I'm putting it in your hands now. In that, like, I feel guilty. My book is, I got to shave this beard.

In your book. But I'm saying... Because I would have definitely shaved yours. Okay. I wouldn't have let you out. Okay. Tommy, how do you feel about this? No, it's just interesting that he just had a...

It feels like a change of the way he feels about it all together. Because about an hour ago... What did I what I say oh you don't even remember How fucked up are we thank you for saying we I Mean I'm loaded. I'm Tommy. Let's kill this drink. Let's just get a big set come on What do you think you're the only one that's fucked up? Tommy is not. Oh, yeah, I forgot. He's high as fuck.

Dude, please. Come on, man. We're on another planet. Wait a minute. But you know about the extreme change that just happened, right? I don't know. Well, there's a little bit of hedging. There's a little hedging going on. It's a confusing moment.

A while ago. That you would let me keep my beard. I said, if you want. And you go, oh, absolutely not. Like, I'm definitely losing it. But then now you brought it up as if to say, I won't decide. You decide.

No, no, no, no. I have no doubts about that. What if we give you one of them crazy Fu Manchu-type motherfuckers all the way down to the jowls? We'll still get rid of the beard. But let's give you some crazy... Wait, I thought it was Hitler's stash for a week.

We talked about that. No, no, no, no. Let's give him some... We can't even gut got a Hitler stash. Let's give him some Wyatt Earp type shit. What about like a Puerto Rican beard? Like real thin. Real, real thin.

That would almost be worse than shaving it all off. Oh, it's far worse. And we're doing that on the way to shaving it. How about we give you a prince? Yeah. Fantastic. You know what? I bet this kid, this kid carter yeah he's like my my we have re-seasoned rams

tickets with carter carter carter yeah you know what i'm talking about carter carter no carter grusin i shouldn't say his fucking name is 10 he's a kid i was talking about hangovers with the other day okay so he bet me some stupid fucking bet and And it was like, if he won, I had to give him 200 bucks. But if I won, I got to cut his hair. And so he was like, oh, I'll take it. Done. Because he thought he was going to win. I think it was about the Rams-Seattle game.

And I won. And so I got to cut his hair. And I was like, I'm fucking your hair up. And this is part of man shit. He's 10 years old. So immediately I cut it to like fucking dumb and dumber bangs. Right. And everyone starts laughing

and his dad starts going you look like Simple Jack oh man but then in a weird way he changes like he goes he starts getting embarrassed and then the moms start coming in this is all boys out right now and then the moms hey don't worry it looks good it looks good and I go that's not the fucking bet

the bet isn't it looks good the bet is it looks horrible that's why I didn't cut his hair I'm not the fucking bet. The bet isn't it looks good. The bet is it looks horrible. That's why I didn't cut his hair. I'm not going to cut his hair to give him a free haircut. But then the human part of me goes, I'm not going to fuck up a kid. I don't want to fucking burn him at 10. I want to do the Puerto Rican beard. I'm going to fucking shave it off anyway.

I'm the prince. This is the prince. I'm going to have to shave it off. I! I'm gonna have to shave it off! I'm gonna have to shave it off! No, you go with it! Just wear it! My daughters are expecting me with no beard! And I love prince! Not like a butt!

Mom, the guy who's doing the tiles is here! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god What does that say Comedy beards Is that what that says

Here's my comedy beard When I do comedy I wear this here beard This shit's funny Oh fucking poor guy Oh The prince is beautiful Yeah that's

That's People just listening Have no idea why we're laughing. That's fantastic. There's a fucking... Google, what is the... Give me the black and white one, Jamie, that profile one. It's from the cover of what album? W.A.T.?

It's one of... It's so bad It's super sculpted And it's got like this Almost like a racetrack curve to it It's really weird It's the weirdest fucking I'd rather you shave my beard off totally

Can we do like Puerto Rican guy beard Just a line Puerto Rican guy beard That's so racist That is so racist. Google Puerto Rican guy beard. That is so racist. It comes up. It came up first. It said Puerto Rican facial hair.

Oh, look at this guy. Look at this guy. That's what's up, dude. You're getting that. This is my new favorite thing. Google black guy being black. Hold on. Explain what we're seeing.

I can't talk. Explain what we're seeing. It's a tiger. He has a tiger print scene. It's a tiger. Oh he has a tiger print beard It's very thin oh my God. It's gold and black. This is amazing. Yeah This dude has his hair bleached blonde and dyed black in the shape of leopard skin on his beard. Puerto Rican cringe pick. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's called Puerto Rican cringe pick. That was the closest I came to blacking out from laughing. I'm not lying.

I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Is that the guy from Backstreet Boys? That might have been the hardest physically. That's pretty close, but I want to give you. That moment might have been the hardest physically I've ever laughed. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The MTV tattoo on his neck, that is bonus.

Who is that? He was in the Backstreet Boys. Beautiful. That guy, Riff Raff, was really good on Hot Wings. Did you see that, Jamie? Hot Wings is a show where they eat wings. You were great on that. You've done that?

Yeah, I did it. You were great on it. Joey Diaz is coming up on it. Thank you. Do you want to do it? Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, okay. I'll talk to Sean.

Sean Evans is the guy that does it. So you just go on to get fucked up by hot wings? Yeah, but it's like an interview. Yeah, they ask you questions progressively, more interesting questions. One of the questions they asked me at the hottest wing was, have you ever talked shit about comics? And I was so fucking out of it. I was like, yeah, I talked shit about TJ Miller and Pete Holmes one time.

And they were like, really? And I was like, yeah, I think I shit on Crystalia, but I didn't mean to. But you're just like. You're sweating. You're sweating. And they're like, really? And I was like, yeah, next question, man. Because your body goes into like, it's a really great show.

Joey Diaz is coming up soon. How much worse is dehydrating than eating the hottest wing? Hot wings, for me, are a little bit euphoric. I get into a place where my brain shuts down, and you start becoming primal about it, and I fucking love it. You started posting. What do you mean, really? You're the reason I cook jalapenos with every meal now. Jalapenos is one thing, though, but I consider jalapenos to be fairly mild.

Dude. Honestly. There's some stuff that I... There used to be a place in Burbank, not in Burbank, Encino, called Chili My Soul. Did you ever go there? No. No, maybe I did. Ari and I have talked about it.

It's one of those things where we always made plans to go there, but we didn't go, and then by the time we wanted to go, the guy had died. always made plans to go there, but we didn't go. And then by the time we wanted to go, the guy had died. And it was a specialty chili shop where they only sold chili, and they sold extreme temperature chili, like insanity chili, where you would have like a very mild chili, which was really enjoyable, a little spicy, and there was a whole taste grid from like 1 to 10.

And I had tried like a 7, and it was insane how hot it was. And they would give you these little scoops like a, like a, you know, like if you would get like a personal size little paper cup and you pump the fucking ketchup in it at the burger shop, you know, those little paper cup things. They give you one of those with the chili and a tiny baby spoon and you put it in your mouth and the fucking temperature from like a nine would make you immediately start hiccuping, snot flying out of your nose. I mean flying. You're crying.

But imagine people talking to you during that and you having to answer questions. Oh my God. That's why the show's brilliant. It's because you are the most vulnerable and you're like like, I don't know. Fuck, man. Whatever. Fuck. Yeah. I hear you. It's so good.

Why don't you do it? Fuck that. Come on. No, man. You'd be great on it, Joe. I'd rather not. You sure you don't want to go to Paris with us? Definitely not want to go to Paris with you.

Definitely not want to fucking shit my pants. What if we change the location? Of Paris? Yeah. Where do you want to go? That's what I'm saying. Colorado, and we'll get a cabin for a weekend. Go hunting.

Oh, something weird. No, no. Go hunting. Go hunting. I've always wanted to kill something. For real? Yeah.'s what I'm saying. Colorado. And we'll get a cabin for a weekend. Go hunting. Oh, something weird. No, no. Go hunting. I've always wanted to kill something. For real? Yeah. Dude, I've talked about it. I want to know the...

I'll cry more than the time traveler's wife, but... You think you would? Yeah. Really? I think I would. Like, when you... I heard the podcast where you talked about this kill. No, probably more like that one.

That was the first one I ever killed. No, no, no, no. It's the one that didn't have the scruff off his hair. Oh, that one died like that. Yeah, but no, it's not that, but it was that he didn't have the scruff off his hair yet. Really upset me. Well, it's not the scruff off his hair. They grow new antlers every year.

I know, but regardless, I heard that as a newbie. I heard you guys talk about all that. I thought it was like a baby. Yeah, a baby, and I got really emotional. I was like, oh. No, that's a big-ass deer. Yeah, I didn't know they grew them every was like a baby? Yeah, a baby. And I got really emotional. I was like, oh. No, that's a big ass deer. Yeah, I didn't know they grew them every year. I actually brought that up a lot.

The most giant of giant deer, their antlers fall off every year. Even if it's like a nine-year-old deer, which is like an impossibly old deer. Every year their antlers fall off. And those antlers are actually bone, which is really crazy. Dude. Which I didn't know until like really recently. Recited all these facts to random people. They grow new bone every year and then it falls off.

And they grow that stuff in their head just so that they can fight to the death over pussy. Yeah. That's real. Yeah. That's really why they grow it. Wow. They kill each other all the time. We stumbled across an elk that had been killed

My friend cam stumbled across one this year and another friend of mine stumbled across one last year in California They've been killed by another one. They just stab each other in the body and like puncture each other's lungs and shit I mean they go to war he's like I'm a fuck now. That's what they do. That's exactly what happened That's why they grow those things That's why the biggest ones always dominate because they can stab you from a further distance. Like it's a benefit of having these gigantic antlers. Oh, right. Some are enormous. Enormous.

So what's the benefit of like when people go, I got a 10-point deer. Does that mean it's that late in the season? No, no, no, no. It means it's an old, mature, smart, dominant male that's probably been dominating the area. If you get a big deer with a lot of antler, those are the ones that are the bigger deers, and those are the ones that are the most dominant in terms of spreading their genes.

Yeah, let's go hunting, Tom. Let's go hunting. A lot of times, the idea behind the conservation angle is that if you hunt an animal like that, you're hunting an animal that's already long spread its genetics. So there's no danger of losing its genetics. Its genetics have been spread, and it's actually better for the biodiversity of the environment

if you let the younger bucks start breeding now as well. That's super highly debated, though, because some conservationists feel like you're better off leaving them in there as long as they survive. It's really, it's a very controversial subject. Hunters tend to think that the idea is that if you can get them out of the food chain, the younger bucks will have a chance to rise up and become dominant. I don't want to do it. I don't want to go.

It's intense. I just don't want to. I don't want to do something you'd enjoy. I want to do something that. Let's do a Cameron Haynes ultramarathon. No, you don't want to do that It's intense. I just don't want to. I don't want to do something you'd enjoy. I want to do something that... Let's do a Cameron Haynes ultra marathon. No, you don't want to do that. No, no, no. Let's see who can get furthest in Cameron Haynes' ultra marathon.

That's what you want to try? Me, you, and Ari. Oh, my God. Ari's got knee surgery. He's not going to do that. He's not stupid. Okay. What's our next contest?

We have to have another contest. Ari doesn't work out, man. But Ari's integral in this contest because watching him spin out is what makes it the funniest. If it was real spinning out,

I would agree with you. It's obviously for comedic effect. I know Ari very well. And honestly, in terms of the fairness of the competition, I benefited from this thing

more than anybody. I didn't have to lose any weight. I had two awesome podcasts with you guys. By all rights, I should pay for it. This has been fun. So let's figure out what to do. What do you guys want to do? You still want to go to Paris?

I could do whatever. I could do something else. Whatever you want to do. Let's figure out what you want to do. Figure out what you want to do and let's do it. Okay. No, but we need to get on this right now and put it in stone. Right now?

Yeah. Why does it have to be right now? I get all nervous. I've had a lot of girls say they want to go home with me, and then when I go stand by the door, they're not there anymore. Okay. We've got to do this. Me, you, Joe, and Ari.

Do you think he's not going to make you take him on a trip? Who? Ari? I mean, I'm saying anybody, like you. No, I'm saying like- Why do you think you have to lock it down now? Because I want to continue this bet. Continue? Oh, so you want to lock it down now? Because I want to find something. I want to continue this bet. Continue?

Oh, so you want to take it to another place. I want to take it to the next level. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. There's going to be not even a day off, bro. Right back into the Friday. Because you know what, man? It gives you focus.

You're right. It does. It does. It gives you focus, and I enjoy it. It gives you something to look forward to, like taking the girls to London. I was really bummed out about Christmas, and then Christmas Eve I went, I'll buy us all a trip to London. Right.

We're too comfortable with the lack of competition, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah. You guys get sharpened by this experience, didn't you? I think so. I'm a better Bert. A better Bert. Better Bert.

There it is. A better Bert. Is that the name of my tour? Yeah. A better Bert. Why do we have to name our fucking tours? I've never named a fucking tour. No.

Talk to old no teeth, no fucking access. By the way, by the way, Leanne goes, last night I did a, Joey was a no-show for the podcast last night. Yeah, I was hoping he would kind of put some weight on you. Joey, I saw him. I saw him. I saw him on his podcast and he was so high that you know he very seldomly when you know when joey's high when he starts doing stuff like this and he drinks water he goes yeah

like he just caught a rat in his hands at eight o'clock i was like he's not making it yeah like i was seeing with theo and like theo was it was like, he's not making it. I was seeing him with Theo. Theo was – it was a great podcast. Joey's podcast was great last night. But I watched it live, and I was like, he's not coming over. So I was like, Leanne, let's do a podcast. You did? So I did a podcast with Leanne last night.

And halfway through, she goes – I had to edit it out. She goes, is this good? And I was like, I don't know. Podcasts with guys and girls, like a comedian and his wife, aren't ever funny. And then she goes, what about Tom and Push? I go, it's fucking different. And then I had to edit it out. She goes, oh, it's fucking different, huh?

Wow. But Push is a comic. Yeah, it's different. Powerful person. He's throwing his wife under the bus. Hey, y'all. Ouch. That's what it sounds like to throw Le wife under the bus. Hey, y'all. Ouch. That's what it sounds like to throw Leanna under the bus.

Oh, that's fantastic. Tommy, let's go to the market. You know we haven't peed yet? Isn't that right? You guys are amazing. You're not going to pee. You probably won't have to pee for a while. One, two, three.

Three waters. Oh, my God. Two of those. So three bottles of water, two of those gigantic C2O coconut cans. I've had half this handle. And then I've had a drinking. well, I'm not losing any weight. I shouldn't even compare myself. Man, I tell you what, it really kind of made me appreciate water.

I know. I really appreciate water. Oh, yeah. Like, I was like, you know, you used to say that water champ shit, and I was like, I never got it, really. I was like, oh, yeah, water champ. Like, I was like, I didn't find it. There's a good competition for us.

No. But now I just, let a good competition for us. No, but now I just Let's do the vodka jam and That's not fair. Yeah, how giant leg up? Yeah, for what I love you What time is it? He goes, how is it a time? Jesus Christ.

This could be a show that's a contest between you two every month. Could be the greatest show the world has ever known. I would do it in a heartbeat. Someone has to develop it for online. That's what it should be. Yeah, it should be online because that's the way we can do it. Yeah, forget all this nonsense trying to explain it to people that give you money and put cameras on it. You don't have to do that anymore.

And not that you've ever had bad relationships with any of those people, but you won't be able to smoke pot. You won't be able to be honest. You won't be able to talk. You won't be able to swear. If you do it online, you could just be you. That's why podcasts are so fucking good. But it is why podcasts are so good, and that's why people really know who you are. You know what I mean?

People know you from the Travel Channel, and they love you from stand-up, but until you see you, you, you, you, you. A couple shots. The thing was. A fucking joint in. We're all having fun. I'd like you, you to kind of dial back a little bit. The best part of this is that, and this was the defining turn in me where I'm at today, was all my friends, I would say specifically you, Bill Burr, and Tommy, were all like,

Travis Hill is great, but you're better at stand-up and you're better at podcasting you're better at like being you and it was like one of those things where you go oh yeah maybe i am a better like maybe that's the cool thing about the internet is that i don't want to be like hi guys welcome i'm bird crusher like i don't mind doing that for money but like well i'll tell you from someone who did it in for five years and so i i did it alongside while you were doing it too and i know it's a really great job. And your job's better than mine in terms of like the fun of it, like the places you got to go, rather than Fear Factor, which is, you know, most of it was local.

Occasionally we traveled. It was fun. It was a fun, crazy show. No doubt about it. It was definitely a fun gig. But the difference between that and stand-up is giant. And if you don't give stand-up the fucking respect it deserves, it becomes dog shit. It just does.

It's true. It's just too hard to not happen. Yeah. Yeah, you got to do it all the time, man. You got to do it all the time. You got to do it all the time. And if you're doing a gang of other shit on top of it where you can't do stand-up for months at a time like you were doing. You're about to do a crazy one, though, right?

I'm going 18 weeks straight on the road. Yeah. That's where it comes from. We haven't named the tour technically because I have never named a tour. How about that? I have never named a tour. I've never named a tour. Bert Kreischer.

I have never named a tour. Perfect. That's a great title. You can do one every year. I've never named a tour two. I've never named a tour three. I really like a great title. You can do one every year. I've never named a tour two. I've never named a tour three. I really like a better bird. I've numbered them, ho. The first one I ever saw

that someone named one was Jen Kirkman. She named a tour and I was like, oh, fucking badass. I saw that and I was like... That's the first one you ever saw? Did you stay offline? Did you have a head injury? No, I never paid attention. I never paid attention. You've never seen it before?

I've never seen a person name a tour the Punisher tour what is this nonsense? Punisher tour what was the Punisher tour? Carlos Mencia Punisher tour was the first one I heard

everyone was talking about they were like oh the Punisher tour the Punisher Eddie Griffin named his tours back in the fucking 90s dude what's up with Eddie Griffin? I don't know

I think he's doing that tour with who is it? like George's up with Eddie Griffin? I don't know. I think he's doing that tour with, who is it? It's like George Lopez. George Lopez, Eddie Griffin, Cedric, and who else? Is it one other person? Yeah. Let me tell you something, man. I tell everybody there's been a few sets that I've seen where, you know,

there's people that catch genius in a bottle, man. They just catch genius. And it might be only for a short amount of time in their life it might be for a moment oh charlie murphy's on it too d.l hewley cedric entertainer the jb smooth no no man that's charlie charlie murphy son of a bitch so it's called the uh comedy get down but. But they catch lightning in a bottle, and they nail it. And for Eddie Griffin, there was a – what was that HBO – was it Deaf Comedy Jam? Yes, it was a Deaf Comedy Jam special that Eddie Griffin did. And I'm pretty sure he was wearing shorts.

You're right. He was. Are you serious? I know which one you're talking about. And he came out, and he was so explosive with the way he just, every punchline he was involved in. Wasn't he semi-shirtless, too? Yeah, there was something going on. Something was loose.

It was kind of open. You're picking up a picture, Jamie. He was so, it was like the way he was moving, there was so much energy. This is not it. No. No, it was another one where he was in shorts. It was a half-hour special. Yeah, is that what it was? That's what it was. That might have been. I think you're right. I think you're right. It was an HBO. I think he did this and then he did that. Yeah. Well, anyway, when he

did that special, whatever that special was, and I watched parts of it, I don't even know if I had, I think I'd started doing standup. I was just like an open mic at the time, just kind of just getting going. And I remember thinking, holy shit, like that guy just tapped into that weird, rare spot where you could never imagine yourself doing it. I don't know if that's it either, man. Is that what it says it is? No, he's got shorts on and he's half shirt. That might be it.

It might be it. The colors look off, but maybe it's just my memory. He did Voodoo Child, too. I don't know if that was before this or after. No, no, no. I'm pretty sure that was a later one. He's someone I wish I had seen live. Oh, he's crazy.

Him and Cat Williams. Eddie's so crazy. He's a real nice guy, though. He's a super nice guy. I'm not saying they're dead, but I'm just saying, like, I wish I had been at the store when they were at the store. Well, Eddie Griffin, I've always got along with that guy. He's a super nice guy. What about Cat?

I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him. I'm a big fan, though. I'm a big fan of what he does. Can you, do you, just out of curiosity, do you not reach out to them to be on your podcast? No. If I run into them, I would love to. I would love to see Cat Williams and Eddie Griffin on your podcast.

Yeah, but you know what, man? I would, too, if they were around. Like, it's a matter of, like, I don't want to bug anybody, you know? Especially nobody that I, like Kat, I don't even know, and Eddie, I've known forever. Like if he's around, he ever wants to do it,

if I see him at the store or something like that. What about Chappelle? I would love to do it with Dave. We've talked about it, but we just never did it. It's one of those things where- That would be awesome, dude. Dave is another guy like you don't want to-

You don't text to time down. I text him. We talk. But he's a super unusual guy, man. He's just doing his own thing. And if he wanted to do it, he would ask me, and then he'd come and do it. And we'd have, hey, Joe, let's do it. And I'd be like, fuck it.

Come on. He's the only person in the world that I consider the great white shark. Meaning when he walks in a room, as a comic, there's a weird energy where you're like oh shit it's Dave Chappelle like yeah but that's for me me and Tom probably were the same age but like he walked into the room when I was getting paid and dating one night just walked into the room um you know when you get your check it's like closed and he walked in the room and I just out of my corner I was like what the oh I was like oh my god and I I do not get uncomfortable around famous people but I was fucking shaking and I was like, what the fuck? I was like, oh my God. And I do not get uncomfortable around famous people, but I was fucking shaking.

And I was like doing like shit you're embarrassed about where you're posting up a little bit outside the realm of him going like, where's everyone going tonight? Yeah. But like, did you know I was the headliner? I was the guy. I was getting paid.

That's hilarious. But he's one of those. Did you guys talk? I never spoke to him. And he lives around there, right? In Dayton? Yeah, something around there. Is that his workout club where he goes to fuck around?

Not anymore. But they said he used to stop in all the time. He used to stop in all the time. He doesn't do it anymore? I don't think so. He's popped into all the Cincinnati area places, too. You know what he does, man? He'll just fly into a city with no plan.

Yeah. And when I was in Denver, I go, why are you here, man? He goes, I just decided to fly in. He's like, they were going to the Canelo Alvarez fight. Who's Canelo Alvarez fighting? Canelo Alvarez is the light skinned Mexican dude? Who did he fight recently? Is that who the fight was?

It was some fight in Vegas. Hey, Dave, I'll be at the Wilbur Theater January 21st. Fly in. I'll fucking party with you beyond. God, I'd love to party with Chappelle. My point was he just showed up out of nowhere. He just flew into Denver. I saw that picture.

That got like fucking something like 249,000 likes. Well, it was just the video was hilarious. Oh, that's right. What's that? The Amir Khan fight? Is that what it is? I don't know. Oh, that's right. What's that? The Amir Khan fight? Is that what it is? I don't know. Oh.

Hmm. Could be. Does he roll solo? Might have been Liam Smith. Who the fuck knows what fight it was then? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was the Manny Pacquiao fight. Pacquiao fight recently?

Yeah. He did, right? He's gone to see him fight a few times. What fight was it? It wasn't that long ago. It was when I was in Denver. He did, right? He's gone to see him fight a few times. What fight was it? It wasn't that long ago. It was when I was in Denver. He goes to watch fights? Yeah, just flies in,

watches some boxing matches. He loves boxing. Dave Chappelle loves boxing. Really? Yeah, he's got a buddy of his that's like a boxer and does like boxing training and shit.

That's a podcast. Kiel fought Jesse Vargas on November 5th weekend. I think that was it. Oh, maybe that was it. Yeah, that's probably it. But he just, again, he's like a version of Ari. Does whatever the fuck he wants. Definitely. Flies into places.

Comes and hangs out. That's rad. I know he's done that club. That's like his favorite place. And that Denver. Yeah. And they said that he's just been, like, landed, been like, hey, is anyone booked tonight? Can I do a show?

And then we'll just add nights if he feels like staying. That's so crazy. It's so awesome, though. Yeah. The most important, I'll say it from the other side of you two and Chappelle, is that I can't imagine what it's like for him to go there and be like, how are ticket sales? Like, you know what I mean? There's no such thing as him saying that at a club.

You think he says that? No. Really? Never, never. Really? I mean, not in 10-plus years, for sure. When was the last time you were like, how are ticket sales? For like a club?

For anything. No, I have counts sent to me when things are sold out or not sold out so i can decide whether or not i should tweet it again or put it up on instagram or something yeah i just look at like i wonder what it's like to be chapelle and just go i'll do this and in four minutes everyone in that city would want to come to see me daniel tosh put up a tweet and in a tweet he sold out like a whole tour. In the tweet? Yeah, within like less than an hour, the whole tour was sold out.

Unreal, man. You did a show with him, right? Yeah, it was so fun. I've worked with him. It's the fucking best. That dude's slaughtering it. Yeah, he's crushing it. And doesn't give a fuck.

Doesn't want to do interviews. That's what he wants. Yeah, he does exactly what he wants. Doesn't want to do interviews. Doesn't want to do anything stupid. He's like,ering it. Yeah, he's crushing it. And doesn't give a fuck. Doesn't want to do interviews. Another guy does what he wants. Yeah, does exactly what he wants. Doesn't want to do interviews. Doesn't want to do anything stupid. He's like, I don't care. This is coming from the guy who gives a fuck 100%. I'm like, I'll do everything you need me to do.

Hang out with him. Soak it in. Daniel Taj is a smart dude. Yeah, but he's untethered also. How so? I mean, it's very easy to go, I'm not doing any press when you have the number one show on Comedy Central for what, eight, ten years? I see what you're saying. It's very easy.

Untethered meaning, yeah, not controlled, yeah. But I bet you if it was like, whatever, top three or something, you know, like not the leading thing, you'd still see him being very much who he is. Oh, he's still, yeah. I remember we did a show together in Miami and there was a heckler in the front row. I was featuring for him and I came off two weeks after Georgia was born. Almost 13 years ago. And I said, and he goes,

that's one way to do it. And I go, I go, what would you have done? And he goes, I would have kicked him out. You'll see. He goes, go. Watch. And I ran around to the back of the club in Miami, the old Miami Improv. And Daniel Taj literally folded his fucking arms and he goes, I will not start the show until he's kicked out. No one knew him.

No one knew any of his jokes. Folded his arms and goes, I will not start the show until he gets kicked out. And I was like, in my head, I was like, I can't believe you're going to fucking throw this show for one dude in my head. And by the way, you knew me at the time. Yeah. And everyone starts booing. And he's like, no.

He goes, no. Kick him out. Kick him out right now. Arms folded. Kick him out right now. Was the people booing at Daniel Tosh? At the whole idea. Because I had worked through it.

Like, I had gone. Oh, I see. I see. I see. I see. And that's why. What was the original heckle? Like, what happened?

The guy was a dick. He was a redneck with a mullet. He was a redneck with a mullet. He was a redneck with a mullet. And I want to say. So was Patrick Swayze. In my head, the guy was shirtless. I'm sure he wasn't, but I remember him being shirtless. Birth story all the way.

You were shirtless for seven years in a row. It gets bitter. It gets better. On stage every show. And you're like, this piece of shit was shirtless. Need I say more? And he was like. Enough said.

Literally, the guy was like, okay, here's how it goes. No, so I'm in the back, and I'm watching this. And then Tosh gets into it with the guy. And the guy starts going, fuck you. And Tosh goes, no, fuck you. Your night's over. Good night. Have a good night.

You know, in a very Tosh way. I'm not doing it right, but have a good night. Have a good night. And then the guy goes, I hope you die. And then Tosh, as the guy's getting walked out the door, goes, I hope you get AIDS. This is in 1994. And everyone groans. And then Tosh looks at the audience in a moment and goes, the good kind of AIDS.

Like Magic Johnson AIDS, where he starts opening movie theaters. The place goes fucking nuts. And his first joke, and this is old joke for Tosh, so I'll say it. His first joke is, now it in by or very urban club he goes kobe bryant's so good at basketball he should be allowed to rape women and the place goes fucking bananas he goes if i was his this is his attorney i would simply put in a highlight reel and go ladies and gentlemen the jury it's one white chick a year and And I fucking sat in the back of the room

and I was like, this is my new favorite comic. I walked into the green room and waited for him to come out and I was like, dude, you're fucking amazing. He's a funny dude, man.

He's a good guy too. He's a very good guy. Like, you can talk to him. He's right there. He really is. There's no weird fake shit going on.

Never has been either. I saw him a few weeks ago in Melrose and he said, how's the weight thing going? And I go, tweet, tweet, bird is fat. Please tweet, bird. And he goes, and just walked. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. I saw him in Hollywood at the store.

Him and Judd Apatow bumped me. And I was like, it was my first time at the store ever as a paid regular And I'm 44 years old and I'm in Tosh. She's like I'm sorry about this. You know very cool And I said how's everything he was good. How's everything with you? I said good and he goes I go How's Malibu goes perfect yoga meditation paddleboarding how the kids? meditation paddle boarding how the kids Love that guy yeah, it's a good dude. Yeah You ready to get a Puerto Rican beard yeah, I mean we could do a five-hour podcast and just keep drinking I'm not it's up to you, dude, but what's about?

215 what time do we start this pitch.30? Yeah, do we get it? 2.30. Did you really bring a barber's thing? I got a little tweezer thing or a little clipper right there. You ready to do this shit, Tommy? Yeah. Hold on, Tommy. Tommy has just decided this is happening.

No, hold on. So are you going to go with, there's a bunch of attachments to that jammy, depending on how close. And if you want a sculptor or contour or anything along those lines. But are you going to try to do the prints, you think, Tommy? Here's what I want to do. I want to bring all this out and then bring the bottom out. Okay, right, right.

Put a nice line. Okay. You're going to sculpt it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is going to be a pro job. Okay. What about the stash? That's what I was saying. I wanna bring...

No! ...this one. No! Oh, what is this? Oh my god, it might have to be this. But then, if you do that, he's just gonna shave that off. Shave that, it looks good. No!

That's what I'm going for. That's what I'm going for! Wait, no! Oh my god. No! Oh my god. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! All these fucking pictures. Pictures of dudes' beards are so ridiculous. It's a better bird! There's nothing better than the jaguar guy, though, or the leopard guy. Yeah, that was unbelievable. The leopard guy's off the charts.

I gotta put this on my phone, too, because I don't want to show my daughter. You want me to hold it? Hold on. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. I'll just put it. Jamie, are you going with a wide angle so I can move over there? Yeah.

Okay. I'm gonna move over here. With you guys. With a beard. With my on it total gut health and Shit All right, I put it I should put it in like a around want me to hold it Yeah, but I want you to be a part of it I don't want you to know I'm right here though

I know but I don't want you to have to focus on me, on you holding it. Give me that fucking thing. Shut up. I'm right here. I'm just going to rest it right here. Am I getting hair all in me right now, Tom? You're going to get a little bit of hair on you. Hold on. Let's tighten this up.

Oh, you got your passwords, son. Oh. It's 448777. Jesus Christ, Bert. Good luck finding my phone. Well, now it became a challenge. Just like the weight loss challenge. That's what you want to do.

Find your phone and challenge the internet. A bunch of syphilis dicks to everyone in your contact list. Don't fuck with my hair. Like, my actual hair. Hold on, hold on. Do you want to go porch? No, no, no. Give me one more.

Orchard or landscape and which one is which? Landscape, landscape. Flip it this way. And now I'm going to have porch? No, no, no. Give me one more. Orchard or landscape and which one is which? Landscape. Landscape. Flip it this way. And now I'm going to have to do the fucking editing on this. Okay. Hit stop record. Now hit record.

Okay. We're recording right now. Okay. Hold on. I'm putting this here. I'm going to take a sip. Burt Kreischer, please explain to the people what's about to happen and why. My beer's getting shaved because I challenged Tommy Bunz on a beard challenge on who lost the most weight.

And he lost a collective, like, six pounds more than me. I failed. Go ahead. But you did succeed in losing a ton of weight. I lost 35 pounds, I think. So I'm happy that at least I'm not as fat as I am just to start. What if you look better? Before we do this. I will not look better, Joe. What if you look better? Before we do this.

I will not look better, Joe. What if you look better? What if you decide, like, I like the new Bert? Maybe the new Bert. I doubt it. Maybe the new Bert doesn't sabotage things. Maybe the new Bert with his new beard. Oh, I'm already uncomfortable with this.

Here we go. So Tommy Bunz insisted in shaving a beautiful pattern into Bert's face. I've worked so hard on that area. You worked hard? What did you do? I just grew it out and I sculpted it. This is an all sculpted area. This is vulnerability. How's it sculpted?

What I do is I went to a black barbershop and I taught them how to cut my beard. You taught them? I asked them, I asked to a black barbershop and I taught them how to teach how to cut my beard. You taught them? I asked them, I asked them. I said it sounded really... How presumptuous is the white man? Oh, why are you going so high? This is ridiculous. What are you laughing at?

I'm not laughing. Where's the microphone on these things? I might have had my fucking finger over the microphone on your cell phone. It's okay. I hope I don't. No, I don't. I don't. I'll steal the audio from the podcast. things i might have had my fucking finger over the microphone on your cell phone it's okay i hope i don't no i don't i don't i'll steal the audio from the podcast and it seems like you're going really high no no it looks good so you're sculpting it you're not entirely shaving it off tommy well talking to the microphone please i mean so far hold on tommy why have you decided to why are you

going so high that's really high that's not even jawline tommy why have you decided to- Why are you going so high? That's really high. That's not even jawline. Tommy why have you decided to sculpt it and not completely shave it off? I just- I- this is a guy where like I see so much potential How does it look, Joe? I just want it- I want it to maximize like- Oh where you going? Where you going?

Your phone is exploding with text messages while I'm holding this up I can barely look at it cause the screen keeps filling up with text messages. He's giving you a Hitler. I'm not. He's giving you a Hitler, son. Oh, my God. They're a director.

Oh, my God. This is so stupid. What's wrong with us? We're all adults. What the fuck is wrong with us My god, can I please see it? So you're doing the prints Oh my god, so you're doing the prince Hold on, now

Oh my god, I can't breathe It's gonna hit my mouth It's getting out of my mouth! It's getting out of my mouth! I can't stop! I can't stop! Oh my god, this is so stupid! Oh, it's really high! It's really high! Tom, is this the first time you shaved another man?

Yeah. But I've thought about it a lot. Why are you doing to him? I've got so much hair in my mouth. Damien, what about cocktails? What are we doing? What are we doing? You can't drink so much hair in my mouth. Dammit, what about cocktails? What are we doing? What are we doing? You can't drink right now, son.

You're in labor. You're giving birth to the new Bert. Is that a rash? Oh, this is hilarious. Tommy, you're an artist. You know what you should do, Tommy? What's that? You should once a year...

...offer to sculpt a fan's beard. You're a goddamn artist, dude. Does it look good, Joe? It looks amazing. Really? This should be the new thing that people do. Go back to, like, sculpting beards. Yeah.

That could be a show. That could be a show. You just bought me a drink, Jamie. that could be a show that could be a show you see it's all the fluid I have in my body this could be a show you do on the travel channel where y'all get fucked up and you get someone and you shave their beard it's in the deep area right there. Oh, shit. Wait till you see this. Don't go too high. Don't go too high. What is that?

What was that move? That's vulnerability. You look really good, actually. Really? Yeah. For real? Yeah. You're going to like this.

This might be the greatest time I've ever had On a podcast Are we good? We're pretty clean Yeah Alright so for people Just listening What Tom has done Is sculpt Bert's beard

In what could best be Described as A fencer From the 1600s In France A fencer? Yeah You look like

Either that Or Or someone who would lie about being Puerto Rican. Because they're really from like somewhere that no one's ever heard of and they're tired of people saying, Where the fuck is that? And they go, Yeah, I'm just Puerto Rican. How does it look? It looks very Spanish. Like, but New York City fly. You might stick with it. Yeah, you might.

Oh, for real? He's a goddamn artist. Imagine if it turns out that Tommy Bunz is the premier beard artist in North America. I mean... More people are watching this than watched the weigh-in. Really? How many people are watching this? 24,000. That's so ridiculous.

I feel like you might really be happy with this. You're getting really grossy. Sorry. Bert, are you going to keep this, or are you going to turn to me, please? Huh? That's actually not bad, and I'm not bullshitting. Are you serious? I'm not bullshitting at all. I kind of want to be surprised.

Let me see. I'm not bullshitting. You look good? I'm not bullshitting at all. I kind of want to be surprised. Let me see. I'm not bullshitting. You look good, dude. Oh, my God. This feels so fucking weird. You know what? Here's the thing, man. Look at yourself.

Oh, my God. I look like I work at Planet of the Apes. I look like a fucking monkey. No. No, this does not look good. This does not look good, Joe. I think it does look good. Look at all the hair on me.

You get an earring on each ear, a big hoop like a pirate. Yeah, but I look like... I feel like you wrenched... He wrenched jet skis for sure. I went down quickly. You said, yeah. You didn't even think it through. Like, what a good idea.

Definitely, definitely two fucking giant hula hoop earrings. Oh, shit. Take your phone hoop earrings. Oh, shit. Take your phone, buddy. Oh, my God. Looks pretty good. Yeah? Oh, holy shit. Can you see yourself performing like that?

Fuck yeah. Yeah, of course. You have to for a while, right? No, I'm going to shave it off tonight. No, no, no. You should definitely go on stage for the audience, the people that are going to appreciate it. Wait. They want to see you knowing exactly what happened.

What can you fix? He's going to fix it. It's not done. You know, that's what's weird. We never really determined when he's done. So Tom can, like, step back, look at it, and decide to do some changes. I see the rash.

Oh, the rash. Oh, my God. He found the rash. Yeah, man. Sometimes we have rashes, ladies and gentlemen.. I see the rash. Oh, the rash. Oh, my God. He found the rash. Yeah, man. Sometimes we have rashes, ladies and gentlemen. It's not your fault. I know you feel like you did something naughty that the Lord punished you with a rash, but that's just superstitious.

Rashes, in fact, are bacterial infections on the surface of your skin. This feels so weird. It's definitely better now. Can you see my fur? I recommend defend soap. Let me see. I say just a mustache. Fuck all that squ. It's definitely better now. Can you see my fur? I recommend defense soap. Let me see. I say just a mustache. Fuck all that squirrely little bottom hair.

If you want to make him keep it for a while. Yeah. I'll keep it for a while. I'm a grown man. I'll go home and shave. No, no, no. Mustache. How about this?

What? We get rid of all this crazy shit. Now we know what it looks like. Give you a goddamn policeman's mustache. Hey, you look good, man. You actually look good. I feel like I look like a monkey for real. Let me see you.

You look like a top notch bowler from Wisconsin Chris Hardwick's dad You're a dude who's on like World Series of Bowling And everybody fears you Like the Bill Murray character Can you imagine making out with me in the dark And you're like what is that on the top

Oh this guy would be covered in a beard What was that movie? Fucking Kingpin Holy shit was that movie good And he starts flirting Kingpin. Kingpin. It was a great fucking movie. Holy shit, was that movie good. And he starts flirting with the girl, and he goes, not you. Yeah. Yeah. Remember when he had to have sex with his landlord in order to pay for the rent?

Nothing like that could loosen up his shit. He's throwing up into the toilet. Remember that he has the planned robbery with the guy, and then... Oh, sorry. Whoa, is my face in it? Then he throws hot coffee in that guy's face because he has to act like that it wasn't a scam. You know, like the landlord comes in. He's like, what?

You're here? And he just takes hot coffee and splashes it, and the guy fucking screams for his life. Oh, Jesus Christ. This feels so weird. This looks crazy. I can only imagine. It feels weird because I didn't know my face would be this close to my bones. Well, dude, you guys, if you just don't do it like this, like this craziness, but just

keep going healthy style, you know, I mean, we've got to figure out a way to get you guys to not, I mean, got to figure out a way to get you guys to not I mean let's be honest if you're not there's no way to do it like if you if you if you if there is a target weight you're gonna dehydrate yourself right yeah of course you're gonna you never know what very seldom does someone go I'll get below that you pose that picture of me we're it hard to talk to me right now? We're going to get totally used to it, but I do suggest you keep the mustache. I think it's a wonderful accoutrement to your face. It helps your party

man image. And again, you look like a curling champion from Saskatchewan. You look like a duck hunting guide. It looks like a totally different person. It's so wild. Should I do headshots while I go? You look like a guy who guide. It looks like a totally different person. It's so wild. Should I do headshots while I go? You look like a guy who teaches people how to fly fish. The guy that knows the difference between a mallard duck.

Exactly. Well, that's a diver duck. It's got a totally different kind of meat. You look like you definitely live in your hometown. For sure. Yeah yeah and you got a pens oil tattoo i like this bottom mustache how does it look good it looks really good really yeah you should see it closer let me see your instagram i do think there's something to be said for bringing back a mustache there's a few people who do it, and it's a strong look.

No, it looks good. It looks like the guy... Look at yourself up there. Oh, I need to get my teeth cleaned. Jesus, this just looks sad. No, it doesn't. I actually like this. It looks like a guy who lost a fuck ton of weight,

just not enough to win a competition, and now he's got a mustache. Now, imagine if you rock this look and you go back up to 256. That would be an interesting look. So let me ask you guys this because we're probably nearing the end of this experience. Yeah. How are you guys going to go forth?

Like most of this was healthy for you, Tom. I think the majority of it was healthy except for the last couple days. Yeah. The actual trying to make the weight. And Bert, at the very least, like you except for the last couple days. Yeah. The actual trying to make the weight. And, Bert, at the very least, like, you curbed some of your insanity. Yeah. You know, you curbed it to the point where you lost a tremendous amount of weight. Yeah.

You know, I mean, you got to feel lighter and better, right? So how do you move forward now? Do you go back to life as usual or do you start another contest? We can start another contest. I'm totally comfortable with that. It seems like Bert wants to start another contest. I do you start another contest uh we can start another contest i'm totally comfortable with that it seems like burt wants to start another contest i want to start another contest i want ari to be involved too because i like ari's welching dun dun dun dun so we got to get him in like this is called we should do this online i guess what do you want but the challenge doesn't have to be weight this time it could be something oh yeah what could it

be um it could be anything man that that's no. What could it be? What could it be? It could be anything, man. That's the crazy thing about the internet. We could do whatever the fuck we want. Right. That's true. Whatever we come up with,

we could just do. Yeah, no shit, right? You guys can compete in stuff that doesn't even suck, right? It doesn't have to be something that sucks, like trying to drain

your body. A person can go around the world the fastest. That sounds like a Burt thing, though. No, I'm just trying to ballpark you guys. But the idea is like a Bert thing, though. No, I'm just trying to ballpark you guys. But the idea is a competition show between the two of you guys would be amazing.

Yeah. Because it would be in the best spirits, too. Here's the thing about competition like this, right? There was never any animosity, so after it's over, we're all laughing. Yeah. Whereas if you have a fight, for instance, and two people don't like each other in particular, there's always animosity before and after. People are pissed.

It's always chaos. We should get our wives involved. Dude, you're trying to get this personal son. No, our wives, because that's the untapped area. They're both happy this is over. No, I think, I like this. I'm telling you right now, I'm not adverse to doing another competition at all.

And I think it should be something crazy. Well, here we are in January, right? Okay, this is the beginning, first couple of days of January, 2017. Why don't we knock it around for a few months, and we'll figure out how to finance some other competition.

Let's do it. Yeah. So instead of, well, let's just figure out what would be a fun thing to do and a difficult thing to do. Right. Two things. That's the key factor. Yeah.

Like what would be a fun thing to do, but also a difficult thing to do? Well, you guys could do it as a competition. It would be a big deal for you with the point where winning it would be valuable You'd want to like really work hard towards it be worth your dedication Yeah, we could even bring like sponsors involved I guarantee you it'd be like it's a like five minutes to figure out What sponsors would be interested in whatever kind of competition we figured out? We could do something really fun. We could do something really fun.

Yeah. Like, what would you guys want to do? Like, what seems like a fun competition? I want to go to Antarctica. Like, what kind of a weird adventure? What do you want to do there? I don't know. I just want to go there.

Oh, really? Yeah. I think racing. Racing. That's fun. Yeah. It can be difficult. Who's the first person to get across the United States first?

Was that a sentence? No. Yeah, you could definitely do that. Would you do like a cannonball run type thing? I wouldn't say that one of you, like you do a lot of CrossFit and you do a lot of exercise. Neither one of you has like any immense physical advantages. Like if you started in a physical competition right now.

If you guys wanted to do some crazy marine things they do, where they climb over fucking poles. Dude, let's go to SEAL training. Listen to me. Don't do that. That's worse than dehydrating, for sure. I'm talking about some crazy obstacle courses. We have to swing

from the monkey bars and climb on the pole and all that jazz and climb up the net, the rope net, race each other doing something like that and make a big deal out of that. That would be fun. You guys would have to get in sick shape. Fireman training. Fireman training. Oh, American Ninja? American Ninja. Matt Iceman's on that.

But the problem is, like, do you really think you could even complete that? I could get halfway through it. Man, I'll tell you, I'm not that confident. Mickey Mandelgine, for sure. I move my body pretty good, and I watch that on TV, and I go, I think I'd probably fall off one of those things. I'll call Matt Iceman right now. He can get us on the course. And you're telling me what?

That you'll be able to get halfway through and fall down? That is how a bet starts. I can definitely get halfway through. Well, what do you think you'll be able to get halfway through and fall down? I can definitely, that is how a bet starts. I can definitely get halfway through. Well. What do you think you'll be able to do? I've already done the training. No, no, I'm saying him. Sorry.

Oh, definitely more than half. But I think we could also find. You couldn't get past the lily pads. I think the whole thing, why don't we find a course that is like what you're saying? Difficult. Oh, Wipeout? Wipeout they don't do anymore, unfortunately. That would be an easy one to set up because Matt Kunitz was one of the executive producers

of Fear Factor. Oh, really? Yeah, that was his show. Yeah, the people who created Wipeout and made Wipeout in America. Most of them were friends of mine. But like a triathlon? Triathlon would be a motherfucker, dude, if you really wanted to do that. That's a serious commitment.

The Ironman will come in and sponsor us. Bert wants to go to the death. Dude, I want to take it to the next level. Now that you have him over the ropes, Bert wants to go to the death. He wants to drown you in the ocean. He wants the possibility that he'll be swimming away and he looks back and a shark takes you.

Go to the Ironman? Yeah, what's the... It's a short race. It's a fucking marathon. You gotta run 100 miles. You wanna do a full marathon in it? You gotta ride 100 miles on a bike, and you gotta swim a couple miles, right?

Fuck no, dude. Tough mudder. I know the guy at Spartan Race. I know the guy at Spartan. What exactly are the parameters? If anything... What is this, Jamie? It's that Battlefrog thing they show on ESPN sometimes.

It's like teams relay races, but they could probably do it. Oh, we could do Battlefrog. Oh, look at this. You'd have to run up this thing. It's like a Navy SEAL obstacle course, basically. It's the same thing. What's really fascinating about you guys is that you both love each other, and you're both interesting combination of impulse and discipline.

of impulse and discipline. Ridiculous, fanatical, like scramble sprint to catch up versus slow, steady marathon pace. It's really funny, man. Yeah. And laughing hard the whole way. The tip of the spear. Who made those graphics?

You don't make the tip of the spear and make it in neon green, you fuck. That's not scary. Tip of the spear out there jabbing at the enemy with cartoon colors. Is that going to be our thing then? We're going to find a course? No, what we should do is turn this TV show into like ultimate fighter competition thing. Yeah.

Where we both have teams of losers like us. Let's do that. Yeah, let's bounce around a bunch of ideas and not commit to any of them. Let's try to figure out what would be the best idea to have a fun competition between you guys that would benefit you? Cuz you guys both benefited in a huge way hard core you both look amazing like dude I showed your video to my wife of you Joking around about the work was already done that your work was already done. Yeah, and she was like, holy shit They just went holy shit like they look you your your skin looks healthy yeah your face looks thinner i was like then you look vibrant you look like

your body had more energy to it thanks man i definitely do i mean it's you know it's a lot of weight to then you always think about like man i was walking around with that every day it's too crazy and we talked about it yesterday and sometimes people think we're insensitive when we talk about this like the subject of fat shaming whether or not fat shaming is a good thing. It's never a good thing to be mean to people, but it might not be the worst thing in the world to feel uncomfortable about the current state you're in. If you know that state's unhealthy and attaching all these like magic words to it, like fat shaming and deciding that certain actions can never take place. So certain acknowledgements of someone's issue with their weight

can never be discussed because it hurts people's feelings, it doesn't necessarily always do that person a service. Like, we'd all be better off if we were healthy. It feels great to eat fucking Krispy Kreme donuts. But you know what feels better? To eat Krispy Kreme donuts after you've lost 40 pounds and you know that tomorrow you're going to get back on the fucking treadmill. And you're going to start eating healthy again.

Give yourself reward days, but don't let it control your goddamn life and don't wrap it up and wrap that criticism and protect yourself from that criticism and a blanket of these fucking stupid rules. Like, like don't ever talk about someone being fat or don't ever discuss it or don't, don't make them feel uncomfortable about it. You're supposed to be on, feel uncomfortable about something that you can change, but if you don't, it's going to kill you. And if you do, it's going to make you feel way better.

That's encouragement. It's the only way to encourage people about certain things that are uncomfortable is to make them uncomfortable. There's no way around it. There's no way someone's going to find out they're overweight and not have it feel bad. I think the uncomfortable feeling is probably the biggest catalyst. That's what makes you do stuff. I think so, too, man.

It's an uncomfortable thing. It's like someone being brutally honest with you about something that you don't like about yourself, and then you act on it. Yeah, dude. I just think that we definitely could use more nice people in the world. We could definitely use each other being kinder in the world for sure. But when you're dealing with certain situations, like at the very least, you have to be stern with people over certain issues. Like if someone has a drug problem, someone has a weight problem. Yeah, I'm not looking at you, Bert.

I know. I can't. You're fine. You're doing great. You're a partier. There's a difference between someone who's got a problem, whose life goes to shit, and a guy like you who works constantly and also just lost 30 pounds. As a matter of fact, you might be like the perfect drawing line in the sand. Here's a productive guy that's enthusiastic about his partying, but he's also a great

family man, a great fucking podcaster, a great fucking comedian. You're having fun. You're being very productive. You're doing various TV shows, and on top of that, you're partying. This is the line. When is it bad for you? When is it destructive to you? Well, when it's good for your life and you're having a good time as well. You've managed

it correctly. I think the... I'm so fucking high. Powerful, so far. I wish I hadn't been that. You're the highest functioning party guy. I've got hair all over me. That's what it is. For sure.

I am the highest functioning party guy, probably. But you also just lost 30 fucking pounds like an animal, dude. Yeah. You went hard, man. You ran 24 fucking miles in a day or 22 miles in a day. Yeah. That's hardcore. Yeah.

That is hardcore, man. That's not someone who's like, oh, fuck you, Tommy. You beat me. Now I'm going to feel depressed. Both of you guys are savages. You guys both dug your fucking heels into the ground and actually did it. What you did is super hard to do. You lost almost 50 fucking pounds, dude.

Yeah. That's a lot, Tommy. It's insane. I know. You lost a good solid kettlebell. A good- One of those big ass 50 pound kettlebells. I honestly want to see that picture of Mostly Stories again, because that doesn't look like

the same human being. Dude, if you, if your whole world is going to be a different thing, you're going to be going through a life lighter. You'll have better ability to move through life like literally like if you if I if someone told me hey man from now on your jaw your jaw oh it's crazy if someone told me hey man from here on out you're gonna be healthy everything's gonna be great you know you're not gonna have to worry about diseases but you're gonna have to wear a 50-pound vest everywhere you go.

I'd be like, shit. And then I'd start thinking about the pressure that's going to put on my lower back and on my knees and on my ankles. And that's exactly what you see from overweight people. It's exactly the issue. If you've got to live life with all that extra shit, it requires too much resources. But you guys did one of the hardest things that a person can do. You stopped your pattern in its tracks and you fucking turned the battleship. You used your will and your discipline.

You turned the battleship in a competition between friends and you both got healthier because of it. Maybe temporarily unhealthy in the last couple of days because of the dehydration. But other than that, the weight loss

How much have you put on since we started Consuming? I'm going to be 227 You think you put on that much weight? Yeah, 100% I don't want to lose the bet to Ari No, no, no, you already weighed in We already removed Ari from the equation

You have a drink in your hand though Got an idea for a challenge, too. Uh-oh, Jamie's got an idea. How much? What's the weight? That is 227. 227. That?

How dare you? No. How dare you? I definitely have put on. That's fucking bizarre. I know. It's water weight, man. Yeah.

It's bizarre when you, I want to see what you are. Water weight is, I mean, each one of these things, as we said, is a pound, right? It's not that bad. How much do you gain? Same amount. You gain nine pounds? Oh, my God. We both gain nine pounds?

That's insane. In waterweight. That's insane. Now, here's the thing. How bad do you feel? Have a seat for a second. Like, do you feel bad? No, I feel great right now.

If you had to go on a foot race right now, do you think you'd be okay? Dude, I'm a monster right now. Okay, really? You feel good? I'm great right now. If you had to go on a foot race right now, do you think you'd be okay? Dude, I'm a monster right now. Okay, really? You feel good? I'm being dead serious. The best I've ever felt physically in my entire life. But even though you just lost all this weight? Dehydrated yourself?

What I'm asking is how much have you recovered from the way you felt when you came in to weigh in? Because you felt like shit, right? Oh, I feel so much better since we weighed in, 100%. Right, right, right. But do you feel like you could go run? Not right now. I'm loaded with pizza and vodka. Okay, but if you weren't?

Like, if you weren't, like, you feel like physically you feel bad? If I had just hydrated, that, I think a lot of times what you're talking about with fast shaming is that people don't understand what it feels like to be on the other side of that but you're getting more vodka. You guys ever had this shit? It's water. I had it yesterday. It was amazing. After I came here. Like a month ago. It's fucking great, isn't it? Yeah, I bought a whole vodka. You guys ever had this shit? It's water. I had it yesterday. It was amazing.

Like a month ago. It's fucking great, isn't it? Yeah, I bought a whole case of it. I couldn't find it in the stores. You can get it online. Where'd you get it? Online. I did it on Amazon.

It's Stevia flavored soda, but it's got zero sugar in it. And Stevia is like a natural plant-based sweetener, so it doesn't fuck with your blood sugar levels. Yeah. Tastes good. I still don't have to pee. That's amazing. That's four bottles of water, two of these. You guys are awesome.

Well, you are the water champ, though. I'm going to take a picture of that before we leave because it is quite preposterous because you've had a drink, too. Yeah. So Tommy has had two of these big-ass cans. Just kill it like a grown-up. No, that's a sip. Are those 16-ounce cans?

How many ounces are in those cans of C2O coconut water? These are 17.5. Jesus Christ. He killed two of those and then four 16-ounce waters. Yeah, I'm on number five. By the way, if you're one of those people that's like, oh, coconut water tastes like toilet water. No, it tastes like jizz and it's delicious.

Hey, coconut, you're allowed to steal that and put that in an ad. If you want to get the right coconut water, you've got to get it from Thai coconuts. Thai coconuts are very sweet. Have you ever had the tiki ones that are mocha that have caffeine in them? Those are really good, too, man. I like those. Yeah, those are good, too. But those have a lot of sugar in them, unfortunately.

I mean, they're really yummy, but they do have a lot of sugar in them. You know what really is the best? There's a company that has it where it's fresh coconut water. Is that the one at Whole Foods? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Harmless Harvest, I think it's called. That shit is the best, man. The best.

The best. Really? Yes. It's pure coconut water. And you drink it, and it's just like your whole body is going. And they make a coffee-flavored one. They have a coffee-flavored drink. Oh, yeah, that's a different one.

That's a different one, but yeah. Their coconut water is Unbelievable people get mad if you start talking about coconut water or kale Well, you're the person that introduced me to coconut water really? Yeah First this actually looks good and I'm actually already used to it. I'm used to it already to bullshit man All right guys, listen man when I was scared to shave my head I was before I shaved my head. I was thinking about it for like a couple of days It's like should I do this? Should I shave my fucking head?

Because it was just getting more and more janky looking up there. Mine was really on its way. I was you in five years. And I was like, it's almost over. I just got to give in. And then when I finally fucking shaved it, I was like, god damn it. Why didn't I shave it a long time ago? This is way better.

It's way easier. You just look different. Right. I'm like, why didn't I shave it a long time ago? This is way better. It's way easier. You just look different. Right. And people are, everyone's, we're all afraid of looking different for some weird reason. Yeah. You know? But there, yeah. Unless different is better, you know?

But I do look, I feel like I work at Deadwood, but on the south side. Dude, you look great. Here's one of the, actually the big things about how this has turned out. Because you've lost so much weight, the impact is not, like if you had been full 250 something. Oh my God. And this, it would look worse, but you lost 30 some pounds. So it actually, you know, you should keep it. I think that mustache.

Looks good. I think the mustache at the very least should stay. The mustache might stay. That chin hair. I might be talked into it. I really want to use a razor. I haven't used a razor in like 12 years. They've been going up.

Go get a real shave. Go to a barber and sit in the chair. Didn't you already say you went to a black barber? I went to a black barber, but he just trimmed my beard. Go there again and he'll trim your beard. Get a real shave. Do you guys feel better after this is all

over or do you feel physically drained today i'm really tired man right and i'm but we also dehydration right but that was rough no that i like that what the drugs and alcohol oh yeah that's your favorite part but i mean like up until then um you rehydrated a little bit before you started boozing right didn't you yeah i drank a lot. But I feel fantastic right now. I feel really good because I feel like I've earned a lot of stuff. Like today I had two pieces of pizza. This is the way my brain's working right now, but I already know that I've burned all my Fitbit.

I guess it's dead. No, it's not. I've burned 3,200 calories already. Damn, dude. This morning. Wow, that's amazing. So I'm excited for like to make, I get these styrofoam cups, these 32, and I'm excited to make a big ice water and sit there.

Why don't you guys have a jiu-jitsu match? Why don't you guys train for three months and have a jiu-jitsu match? You want to do that? I'm in. I'll do that. That's what I'm talking about. Wait, we need coaches, though. Oh, we can get you those.

Okay. That's good. Wait, but, like, 150 grand on the line. Ooh. We might be able to get that. I'm in. We might be able to get that. Okay.

Is there a second place? Second place. What does second place get? What does second place get? What's the loser have to do? Yeah, what does the loser get? Nothing. Does the winner get something, the loser gets dog shit, they get nothing, zero?

I don't know. That's usually how it works. It seems exploitative. Oh, really? Yeah, I think the winner should get more, the loser should get less, but the loser should be compensated just for competing. Yeah, I got you. What if the loser gets...

The loser gets to go on the trip in this case. Yeah, well, in this case, it's not like you guys are betting $150,000. That's why Ari's integral to this, is that Ari is the, what's it called? I love my friend, and I must protect him from his tendencies, so I will assume the fiduciary aspects of this negotiation from here on out. Thank you. What was John Travolta in that movie, Get Shorty? He was the Vig. Ari's the what's what was John what was John Travolta in the in that movie get shorty. He was the Vig Artie's the Vig

John Travolta was in Gat shorting. He was uh, yeah, he was right. He was a bookie I remember that movie at all why I remember the nation movie. It's really you came out movie He's like I want to be a Hollywood producer and he wrote a script god damn it Why am I having such a hard time remembering that movie yeah or he or he has the script he's like he's like I'm the producer of this there's a few of those movies that you fucking loved when they came out like a Bronx tale yeah and then you watch it on TV like why is this completely gone from my memory dude that oh and this is not Gene Hackman is so fucking funny in this movie I gotta see that movie he's so

what year is that 90 what what? Was it 95? Wow. You remember the Gene Hackman scene with the guy that died? Who? The cop. The former cop plays that, he plays that Miami gangster in this movie

and he flies out to get his money from him, from Gene Hackman. Look at how good John Belichick looks. Damn, man, I don't remember this fucking movie at all. It is a high possibility that I never saw Oh no I saw this movie I remember that violent scene There he is

That's the guy Dennis for Isn't it Dennis Farina Man he's so fucking funny in that Oh he's funny in everything That guy's great He's hilarious

He died recently Delroy Lindo's my favorite black actor ever James he had that They beat him up Oh Jesus Christ I should watch that again Yeah this is great We should do a fight companion James, they beat him up. Oh, Jesus Christ. I should watch that again. Yeah, this is great.

We should do a fight companion when we watch it. We should watch it in here. Yeah, let's watch Get Shorty in here. I love that. Have a couple of drinks, get baked, and watch Get Shorty and talk shit. And we'll tell people to sync it up. Let's do one here. Hey, let's fucking do that for real. I haven't seen this movie in forever.

Let's do it. I, let's fucking do that for real. I haven't seen this movie in forever. Let's do it I barely remember anything in this movie Like I might have seen this movie when it came out and completely forgot about it since then I've never seen it since so it'll Be a total surprise if Jamie kills these previews kill it Let's do one with Ryan Reynolds for Van Wilder. Do you want to do that? Yeah? I'm gonna be weird because you haven't seen it? Have you seen it? No, I've never seen it. You never saw the movie that was based on a story about your life in college.

That seems crazy to me. If we're going to be honest about it, I never had the validation that I had now in my life where his company says that that's what it was based on. So I'd say it on radio, and so I didn't want to ever watch it, so I felt like I was lying. Did they pay you? No, never. Oh, so that could be a fun, awkward moment.

No, but I think Ryan Reynolds is into it. I mean, his company says he's into it. I think he'd be into it. Into? Watching it live with us. We all get baked and have a few drinks. I don't know Ryan Reynolds. Sure, I don't know him either. I don't know why you'd invite him. You don't even know him.

I like how you made the assumption that he'd be into it. Well, they said they do it. Ryan Reynolds loves to get baked on the internet. They said he'd do it on my podcast. Oh, really? Yeah, they said he'd do it on my podcast. You should definitely do that, man. Who took your story and brought it over there and profited from it?

Some writer. And there was never an issue because it wasn't really you. It was based on you or stories about you that they added a bunch of. The option was made by a company, by an agency, a literary agency. And they took it and they sold it with me and the writer of the article attached. So the movie had to be about a journalist writing an article about a party animal. That was the caveat.

So then I got discovered by Will Smith and that deal fell apart and the Oliver Stone deal fell apart. And then one of the producers or one of the writers who had submitted scripts or sent a script in and it was moving forward

and they thought that was going to be the one. When it fell apart, he just took it and sold it to Van Wilder, or to National Lampoon, and they made a Van Wilder. Wow. Yeah. So I didn't really have any attachment to any of it. I never got paid for any of it. And I didn't make any of it.

But at the same time, my best friend in college, his name's in the movie. And so it's so weird. Yeah. But I have no bitterness towards it. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. Well, that's good.

It's a little sidebar to your life. Don't stop putting on shit. I gotta get going, man. No, why? Where? We got a podcast today? Yeah. What?

You did one yesterday. I'm not doing one. Where do you have to go? Where are you going? I'm just ready to go. Why do you do that? See, I would never do that. Why?

This fucking podcast is eight hours old. Yeah, man. What time are we at right now? We're about three hours and how many minutes? Ten? Three, 17. Oh, well, we've got to do another 12 minutes at least. All right, we'll wrap it up to the top of the hour.

Yeah, top of the hour. Top of the hour. Okay. How of the hour. Top of the hour. Okay. How do you get like that? That's just how I am. Wow. You guys are funny. This is like impulsive versus discipline.

This is slow, steady marathon versus sprint while you're drunk. I love sprinting. Yeah. Listen, both are virtuous. There's virtue in both. Both birth strategies will pay dividends. They both will bear fruit. We should do a tour together when I get famous.

I love it because you guys are so opposite ends of this spectrum. When you get famous, you guys should do a tour together. Is that what you're saying? You're famous. No. You don't think you're famous? You don't think people know who you are? You just told me about the Rams game where some guy yelled out, the machine.

He said multiple people. Didn't stop doing it. I wore my name on the back of my jersey. Right. No. No. You're a good level of fame, dude. Fuck fame.

I like, I'm being dead serious when I say this. I love the way people that don't know that I'm friends with Tom, I love the way they talk about his stand-up. Like when they're like, I'll say something about you, and they'll go, oh, you know Tom Skura? Oh, my God, like his stand-up's fucking, it's my favorite special ever. Most of the stories, my favorite special ever. I love that.

That's what I like. Yeah, it's always nice when you can tap into a bunch of people that kind of feel about somebody the way you feel about them. Yeah, Bill Burr, man, has been my favorite person because we all can agree he's maybe our favorite guy doing stand-up right now. But, man, I love him. Tommy just gave the Mets a Mets hand. He's all right. He's all right.

He's definitely in this rare group of people that I seek out to watch do stand-up. He's tremendous, man. He's tremendous. Yeah, and I think there's also like it's a really good thing. Just like you guys were talking about the competition of the weight loss and the fun inspiring you. There's at least some sort of unconscious competition when you're surrounded by people that are really funny. Yeah. That's the store.

Yeah, man. Where we're at right That's the store. Yeah, man. Right. Where we're at right now today in L.A. in 2017 is a really rare time where this is like we're surrounded by killers, you know. And guys, people don't even know like Owen Smith. You ever see Owen Smith at the comedy store? It's been a while. Fucking hilarious.

Santino. You've seen Santino. We talked about him yesterday. Yeah, I want to hear that bit. Hilarious. There's a gang of these kids. A lot of fun. And men and women and a bunch of people coming up.

There's a bunch of people coming up that are really fucking funny. Yeah. It's an awesome time, man. I work with a bunch of dudes that are super funny that come with me now. Josh Potter, have you done with him yet? He stings. I know for what it's like to be Josh Potter right now and hear your name brought up on a podcast

and then go, oh, what would they shit on me? No, I don't. Where's the full charge? I haven't seen him in forever. He's with me in West Palm. Keep me sane. You take full charge on with you? I love that guy. I take full charge a bunch. He's the best. Pat House. He's a good man. Jeff Tate. You've had Jeff Tate on, right? Nope. You've never had him on? Nope.

Never had Jeff Tate on. That's great. There's a lot of good ones. I took Jerron Horton with me to the Comedy Works in Denver. How was that? Fucking great. He's a funny dude, man. You know who's also a funny dude? Josh Martin. Josh is fucking hilarious. He's a hilarious dude.

I said to him, I was like, hey, you should do the road more. And he was like, well, I can't get off Thursdays or Sundays. And I was like, well, that's the road. Like, we were just bullshitting. I was like, hey, you should do the road more. And he was like, well, I can't get off Thursdays or Sundays. And I was like, well, that's the road. Like we were just bullshitting. I was like, well, that's the time I need you. Those are the nights I don't want to do it either. Right.

Oh, Carlos Valencia, you know him? Yeah. Super funny. Super funny. Yeah, like the 2017 roster, like the people that are coming up right now, the people that are just starting to get to know them, they're the most educated in all of the young group of comics that are coming up. Because all of them, all these young men and women that are getting into stand-up now,

they've experienced the whole internet boom during their adolescence. They grew up with it. But they're comedy fans. Comedy fans and the internet boom has allowed them to have access to everything. during their adolescence. They grew up with it. But they're comedy fans. Comedy fans and the internet boom has allowed them to have access to everything. When we were kids, we'd have to go find a Bill Cosby album. We used to have to find a Kinnison cassette

or a Dice cassette. We had to go find a Richard Pryor CD. It was hard. You had to go seek it out. Now it's instant. The moment you get it in your head that I would like to see some comedy, almost everyone has some kind of a computer today. Dude, you know, I just remember when you said that,

when I used to open for Bert and, like, really early on see how hard he would kill. Like, he kills so much harder than most people can understand. And I would try to mimic some version of what he was doing. You know what I mean? Because he had such this energy. Yeah, the energy. Energy and the way he... So I would go up there and I'd do my act,

but I'd be like... Like he does. And I had a friend who was like, hey man, you look real crazy up there right now. He told me afterwards because I was trying to be like, what? The best. Maybe my favorite time in my friendship with Tommy is when you bombed in Sacramento. I've never enjoyed.

It's a real bad bomb, too. It was like. What started it? A rape joke. Oh, dude. It was... I said nothing to you guys. Was it at least tasteful?

Well, it was... I wasn't, like, endorsing it. I was making... Of course. It was... Is it a rape in here? It was... You remember Hurricane Katrina?

Right. So that happened. And there were stories that I think that amidst all the chaos, people were getting raped. Right. And I opened with something like, you know, there's nothing like a floating corpse to get me in the mood when I fuck somebody. Right. And then I would elaborate on the story and have jokes. It started there, and it was the early show Friday.

And, I mean, not only did I get a laugh, and I'm telling you, it's a full house. I got no laughs for the next 22 and a half minutes. And I know it was 22 and a half minutes, because I was supposed to do 25. By the way, Tom had his hair, his hair was long at the time and it was like a comb over and what would happen is slowly as he worked,

it would flatten onto his hat, onto his head, onto his face and just be wet. I was sweating a lot, man. And then when I got off stage, the lady goes,

I thought you were supposed to be funny. And I was like, yeah, you know, because you're just like so vulnerable. Who was the lady, the booker? Yeah, and she managed it. Did you do any other sets there that week? like, yeah, you know, cause you're just like, so vulnerable. Who was the lady, the booker?

Yeah. And she managed it. And, uh. Did you do any other sets there that week? Oh, wait, there's a 10 o'clock show, 10 o'clock show. I opened the same way and I bombed just as hard back to back 25 minute sets. Just as hard. Of like, and, and then I remember the host goes, I've never seen a feature bomb like

that. Like he was, he was. Like he was the emcee. And then I really was like having to lie to myself at the hotel. I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But I was like, no, it's definitely, you know what you're doing. And like it was a shaky thing. And then the next day, Burt goes, hey, can I tell you just one thing? And I go, yeah, what?

He goes, just open on a different joke. Just open on a different joke. Do exactly everything else. Just open on a different joke. And I go, okay. I go out there. I do what he said. I have, to that point, probably the best set I've ever had.

And then I go to the manager who's behind a curtain in the kitchen. And I go, well? And she goes, well, what? Did you do your do your set and i go you definitely just heard what happened there was like there's 300 people out there and she was like did it go well or was just like last night i was like you fuck and then i went back and the same thing i did the same thing the second show just opened differently and i was like oh thanks burt it was the best advice I ever got. Wow. Getting through that. It's hard if people don't know who you are, if you jump out there and alienate them with a fucked up joke.

Yeah. And then they tell me later, they're like, well, you know, that first group, there was like 90 Mormons that just wanted to see like a comedy show. It was like a Mormon baseball team. Mormon, yeah, group came in. Oh, well, what in the fuck is that? That's what they used to do.

They used to sell out the place to a church and then you didn't know you were performing for a church. Mormons would be fine if they could drink. I like Mormons. But, I mean, at a comedy show? Do they take pills like crazy? I know they do. Yeah.

I know they do. I partied with a bunch in Utah. I bet you have. They're allowed to. Yeah. Pills aren't in their doctrine. No pills? They can do pills.

Oh, they can do pills. They can do monster energy drinks, too, but they can't drink coffee. Isn't that crazy? No pills? They can do pills. Oh, they can do pills. They can do Monster Energy drinks, too, but they can't drink coffee. They can load up on those fucking gigantic, you know, those fucking huge cans of Red Bull that you look at them and you go, no. Yeah, don't drink that. Ugh. They have all sorts of weird loopholes. You know, I've never had even Monster Energy.

Never? Never. They're awesome if you want to stay awake. Hey, what do you like on Coke? I'm, uh... That sounds like a guy want to stay awake. What do you like on Coke? I'm pretty much like this. That sounds like a guy trying to blow you. No, but no, because I know you partied really much harder than I've ever partied.

But you're so even keeled. Even when you get high, you're not even fucked up. Wait a fucking minute. You really think that Tommy has partied much harder than you've ever partied? I know that. He knows that. Do you think that's true? 100%. He's making reference to one occasion.

I've never overdosed. Yeah, that's true. Tommy's overdosed. Would you overdose on? I drank too much GHB, and then I took some ecstasy, and then I had like 12, 13 screwdrivers. Oh, my God. No shit. I was a freshman in college.

Oh, my God. Still, I had my shit in control. That's amazing. Yeah, it was good. What happened? You woke up in the hospital? Yeah. Strapped down, tubes down my throat.

Wow. Yeah, they're pumping. It was top of the hour. You want to wrap this up? So it was really bad, man. It was really bad. Wow. Yeah. You're pumping. It's top of the hour. You want to wrap this up? So it was really bad, man. It was really bad. Wow. Yeah.

You've told this before, though, right? Yeah, I told it on our show. It's Tom Segura overdoses. Dude, I didn't hear that story. Yeah, it's... Tell me what happened when they said, what did you take? What did you write down?

So they gave me... So I'm strapped down. What they do when you OD and they catch you at that stage, because I passed out is uh this starts to swell so they thought about giving me a tracheotomy and they put tubes down there they're strapped down so that you don't pull the tubes out when you come to so when i did like your your hands are really restricted right and then they um they're trying to get figure out

what's going on that see if you can help them know what's in your system. So they gave me, I'm left-handed for writing, and they gave me the pen in my right hand and strapped. So they write like, or they ask me, what did you take? And I wrote heroin. And they were all like, are you serious? And I was like serious just kidding and then I had to like write out what and then they found you know they give you that why didn't

you write out I'm left-handed the seems like it would be way quicker. They found out the toxicology report. They go, you have everything in your system. The doctor was like, you have barbiturates, you have uppers, you have downers, you have opiates. Because the GHB was spiked with stuff. The pill I took was spiked with stuff. And you have so much in you. it would have killed a lot of people. Like, it's amazing that you're alive. And I go, why am I alive?

And he goes, honestly, because you're a pretty big boy. Basically, he was like, you're fat, and that's what saved your life. Dude. That you're 250 pounds at the time. Wow. Yeah. Did that change the way you partied? Oh, my God, dude.

Yeah, of course. Really? Yeah. Nah. No, but you. Really? Yeah. Nah. No, but you're so even-keeled now. Like, even still, like, when we go out to dinner, you have two glasses of wine. I just am not, it's not from that. I just, I'm not just, I'm just not a big.

Bert, you love jumping up and down. Yeah. You love the sprint. I do. You do. You love the, we're doing it. We're fucking doing it. Woo!

The best is when he is. That's. You do. You love the, we're doing it. We're fucking doing it. Woo! The best is when he is. That's what you love. Sure comes off. There's so many times where I've been at his place, and he's like, just taking it easy. And if I go like, all you have to do, it's like, you just, you plant the seed. And you go, hey, you want to have a beer? He goes, what? Yeah.

You want to drink? And he gets so excited. Yeah. The level of excitement. You did it at your house. You've done it before. I've done it before I've done Yeah, your kids birthday party. You're like yeah, I'm gonna go to beer and I was like yeah, okay finally yeah Do you get him every time you never go like not right now?

Yeah, no, I am no, that's not who I am somebody's never got you're on board That's one of the most fun things you're all about it. Yeah, I like it I like the rush of it like imagine when I have you in a fucking triangle, and I'm about to... Is this going to happen? Can I get an Eddie Bravo? Well, what the fuck? He knows Eddie Bravo, too. Okay, Eddie, pick your teams.

You get Jack Smith. Hmm, how does that work? Should Eddie be able to have a team? You just do it at EBI or something like that. Jesus Christ. Yeah, we could definitely do it at EBI. I'm looking for my fucking teammate. And you just do it at EBI or something like that. Jesus Christ. Yeah, we could definitely do it at EBI. I'm looking for my fucking teammate. We could definitely do it at EBI.

Maybe it's not fair since Eddie knows both of you. Maybe it's not fair that either one of you gets trained by Eddie. That's a good idea. I'll take Jean-Jacques. I'll take Jean-Jacques. I'll take Jean-Jacques. That's fine. Tommy Bigger, I'll take Jean-Jacques.

I'll just take some Brazilian. Anyone who wants to help me. Anyone? Dudu Bon? Yeah. One of those dudes from the Gigolo show? Absolutely. If he's like, I'm Brazilian, I'd be like, I trust you.

I can figure it out. Let's do this. Hey, I'll teach you triangle, but first I'll be right back. I got to sling the dick. This has been a great fucking podcast. Yeah, what would you do if you did do a jiu-jitsu match? Would you do, like, how long do you think it would be? Like a five-minute match?

10, 12? No, buddy. I don't know do you think it would be, like, a five-minute match? Ten, twelve? No, buddy. I don't know. I've never seen one. It's a long time. Well, yeah, I think we do, man, I mean, it would have to be one round to see who can, yeah. Yeah. If you guys really want to do it, we'll bounce around it.

I don't think there's no need to, there's not no need to come up with a definite contest right now. You guys are eyeballing each other. Because I'm thinking about cross-country skiing where they have the rifles, too. We could do that. Oh, like that biathlon shit? Yeah, the biathlon shit. We could do that. Something called the Total Archery Challenge, which is like you run around the woods and hit targets.

Oh, no. I mean, I'll kill that. Listen, you guys could do a bunch of shit. It really should be a show, though. Yeah, we should definitely do it. And if you keep it along the path that it's been on for this sort of competition, this is like a super beneficial competition for both you guys. Dude, you lost an insane amount of weight.

You really did. Tommy, seriously, that's the one that really freaked out my sisters, have never watched this podcast. They've heard it before. They never watched it. They watched it with my wife and my daughters yesterday. They did? Yeah, and I came home, and they were like, Tommy's lost a lot of weight.

I was like, hey, your dad has too. And they're like, I know, but Tommy's lost a lot of weight. But they see you daily. They see me daily, but they were like, Tommy's lost a lot of weight. That is a problem, though. When people are around you all the time, they get used to a certain look, and even if it shifts radically over the course of six months, you don't notice it. This one's going to take a while, I think, for the family.

With the face? With the mustache? Are you going to keep the mustache, or are you going to just go home? I'm going to trim it up a tad bit before I go home, but yes. Are you going to trim it up before you go home? I think the mustache is set. The bottom part is a little tad bit uneven. No, it looks good.

Agree to disagree? If you want to trim it up, that's all fine and dandy. I'm going to trim it up a tad bit, but I think the mustache is staying. I'm very happy you made that decision. Yeah, that's good. I think the mustache is the way. My daughter's going to freak the fuck out. Oh, they're going to laugh.

They're going to be fine with it. Because they're happy to see you. They're going to be fine with it. They're going to be like this, eating dinner with me. I have a business meeting. Yeah. We're going to be late for that for sure. Nope, nope, nope.

I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, I cushioned it. Cushioning is very important. But, Jamie, do we have to leave? No. Tom's moving around like he has to leave, but I don't think he has to. No, I don't have to leave.

I don't have to leave either, Tommy. This is one of the things you get off on the most. You have a waffles date. No. When's your waffle date? I don't have the time. There's no time. No time.

We just made a decision. Yeah. We're going to go. It's a waffle date? I don't have the time. There's no time. No time. We just made a decision. Yeah. We're going to go. It's a good move. Yeah. Waffles are like pure enjoyment. There's no illusion of nutrition. Especially when they're crispy on the outside and you can feel the-

You're just jumping all into something. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I just, I go fucking whole hog with butter. I just kill that thing with butter too. Chocolate souffle. I talked about that last night. Same thing.

You're just making a decision to indulge. Yeah, just party. Go deep. Have you guys ever had caviar? Yeah. You like caviar?

I was at Rod Stewart's daughter's party my first week in LA. Profit name drop. And I had caviar so much I couldn't take it away. Battle number five. That they took it away.

They took the caviar away from you because you were eating too much? I was eating so much because I'd't take it away. Bottle number five. They took the caviar away from you? You were eating too much? I was eating so much because I'd never had it before. They took it away from you? They actually moved the whole plate of all the seafood and pulled it out of the table. Oh my god. Not Nicole Richie. What's her name? How drunk were you? Kimberly Stewart. Not sober. Still sober. I just never had caviar.

So you were going at it so hard they decided this guy's going to eat it all in a selfish, gluttonous rampage of caviar consumption. My buddy Eddie was like, have you ever had caviar before? And I was like, no. And he was like, dude, you should try it. So I tried it with like a cracker. Cracker talks.

Like just dip it in. And I was like, dude, you should try it. So I'm in. All in. I was dipping into it like it was guacamole. I was like. Oh, no. I was murdering it. And they came out and removed the whole plate.

It was like literally a three-foot plate. They removed it back to the kitchen, and I was like, where did that go? Isn't that funny? They'll put food out, but only if you eat a certain amount of it. They see one person is enjoying it too much, they will move in. Will you pass me another piece of pepperoni, please? Yeah, this whole pizza's killed. This one's done.

Oh, for real? Yeah. What was this event that you were at? This is the one with mushrooms. Do you want mushrooms or no mushrooms? Yeah, I'm cool with that. I party. What was the event that you were at?

It's just some party shit. I was at ICM at the time. I guess your dad was at ICM or whatever. That's hilarious. So they were trying to preserve the food. Are you trying to get me fatter? Are we in a new competition? He double sliced you, son.

He gave you two slices and made a sandwich. It's a good goddamn pizza though, right? This is good. That's some legit pizza. Dude, take that to the meeting. Take the double pizza into the meeting. Yeah, no, just take the thought of the double pizza. The fact that you came in silver in the weight loss challenge.

Out of gold and silver? It's not bad. It's not bad. It's only, yeah, no big deal, man. Powerful. But a contest between you two guys, like, every few months. I think that's the, where it's still fun. We should do it's still fun.

We should do it. Still fun. Yeah. Figure out silly ideas. Let's win a surf competition. Like I can't surf at all. I used to surf when I was a kid but now I feel like I can

because I ice skated yesterday and I killed it. I feel like best case scenario someone stands for three seconds and then gets a concussion. Best case scenario. Fucking surfing, man. Surfing is incredible But

I don't know if you guys Really want to get into that For competition How do you even judge that No way man How do you judge it The amount of time That you're standing up

How do you judge it Kelly Slater No it's Yeah Kelly Slater judge it Yeah We can get him on the podcast He'll probably judge it You should have him on the podcast. He'll probably judge it.

You should have him on the podcast. That'd be fun. Yeah, we've talked about it a few times. What's up, dog? He texted me some ridiculous video. Sebastian Inlet. I know where that's at. You grew up around him.

No, I mean, I never even saw him, but apparently a bunch of good surfers would do the Sebastian Inlet, which is not far. Monster Hole. Yeah? Yeah, by the Sebastian Inlet. Yeah, that's a totally different type of human to get on a board Ride it on top of the ocean it looks so fucking cool when you see the high The high level guys do it and they have the GoPros have you seen his new surf?

pool no I Put on my Facebook the other day. It's called uh oh Shit, we put it up on here one time. Did you? Is it the one with the perfect glassy... It's like a lake. It's like the perfect wave. Oh, it's so beautiful.

Can you play it real quick? It's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. That's strong words. I'm telling you. Well, I don't know. Let me just go into the detail right here. The Water Champ has downed five bottles of water and two coconut waters. How deep am I in this?

This is insane. Can I actually get another one? Yeah. Really? It's amazing. Oh, you have a child. And I haven't peed. This is amazing.

The water champ is just breaking into his sixth bottle of water. Thankful. Look at this. Tell me this doesn't just reek gorgeous to you. Yeah, it's just an amazing fucking ability that these people have, riding these waves like this. Like, look at this. This is incredible. I see you doing that, Bert.

Come on, man. How much fun must that be? Yeah. The thrill, right? Well, he built that pool. That's his pool. That's a pool. That's not the ocean.

What? Oh, really? Yeah, that's what's amazing about this. Oh, my God. So you could learn how to surf on this Yes, oh my god. No sharks. Look at her. That's a pro surfer going. Thank you God How do you know what she's saying? I know her she's laying down. I know like Peterson. I've interviewed her you have yeah I know all these people powerful bird cries sure

Yeah, it's a pool no it's a pool 100% it's a pool. This is a pool? 100% it's a pool. Oh, my God. Where is it? They won't tell you because they're trying to sell it. Oh, man. You can see the hints of the pool. See in the corner? But wait a minute. Oh, is that what that is in the back?

Yeah, and there's sides on it. You can see the sides. That's crazy. See, that's a pool. What size pool is this, though, man? It's massive. I want to say, what do you do, Jamie? It's like a man-made lake.

It's not really. I wouldn't call it a pool. Where is it? I think it's in Malaysia. And they turn waves on and stuff like that? Yeah, like a wave generator pool, like a water park. They just have the biggest, best version of that ever. This is crazy.

And this is, you said Malaysia? I don't know. They don't tell you. I think they also are making it so they can sell them wherever someone wants them. They could take it somewhere. All right, boys. Should we wrap this up? Hey, for real, thank you for hosting it, though.

My pleasure, man. It was really fun to be with you. I'm honored, for real. And the way that sounds, my mouth's full. Hold on one second. I mean, it really was fun. I'm glad that you, when you were like, I'm going to do the MC the Wayans,

it was really a fun time. Oh, man, for me, it's even more awesome. I love both you guys. You're both hilarious. And to have you come in and do this in here, it's fun. And I really mean what I said, that what you guys did, whenever someone does something like that, where they just decide to make a contest, and the results of that contest is you could radically improve your life over a short period of time, radically improve your i mean i can't imagine what it would be like to walk around 57 less pounds i mean it's incredible what how much did you lose total was it i guess 51 51 51 pounds removed from your body is an incredible accomplishment like 11 pounds of

water at this point. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. It's still incredible. Even if it's only 40 actual solid fat weight. Yeah. It's amazing. You look different, man. You do look different.

Thanks, man. I definitely look different, too. You look different. Man, everybody can do this. And there's a lot of reasons why people make excuses. You'll feel so much better. You really will. Yeah.

Instead of coming up with reasons why you can't do it, try to figure out a way that you can. And it might not be today and it might not be tomorrow. But there's got to be a way to improve things and to always concentrate on the reasons why you can't. You've got to keep winding up in patterns. And sometimes like a little competition like you guys did in fun and fairness and friendship it it's a good thing because it shows people that everybody won out of that you know even though you had to shave your beard you still lost 30 fucking pounds man i mean what happened was awesome so it's all it's great for everybody it's great for me too i love seeing

people do that i love seeing people get their shit together i think it's it's been a blast i'm glad you got involved because i think it stepped it up to the next level and made it it made it more fun for both of us because we started getting it bigger and bigger and bigger and uh i don't know man i'm ready for the next contest yeah i know you are you fucking crazy bastard that's what tom and i discussed before i go you know it's just you got to deal with birds crazy yeah He's got that thing in him. Jiu-jitsu. I moved to Brazil. I'm moving to a favela.

You don't want to go to Brazil. I'm going to a favela and just talking shit. There's plenty of places to learn right here in Southern California. Luckily, a lot of super high-level Brazilian. Sean Jacques, get me up. He downed it again. Oh, my God. This is the sixth bottle of water.

I barely finished his vodka. You know Russell Peters has been training with Sean Jacques? I met that guy. Really? Yeah, Russell Peters has been training with Sean Jacques. He came with Russell to a show we did together. Sean barely finished his vodka. You know Russell Peters has been training with John Jock? I met that guy. Really? Yeah, Russell Peters has been training with John Jock. He came with Russell to a show we did together.

John Jock is the best. You're on that show. He's awesome. I love that guy. All right, folks, that's it. This bitch is over. Thanks, guys. All praise be to Bert Kreischer

and Tom Segura. Bert cast Your Mom's House. You can check out Bert's special on Showtime Online, right? Showtime On Demand. Showtime On Demand. Tom Segura, of course, has two Netflix specials out. Next Dates that you're doing.

I'm in Kansas City, Oxnard, and then a big theater tour. It's all at Tom Segura. You're doing that new place in Oxnard? I'm doing that place. I just did it last week. It's great. I heard it's awesome. Yeah, I'm doing the club there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. I'm doing that place next week. Gonna love it. Levity Live great. I heard it's awesome. Yeah, I'm doing the club there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. I'm doing that place next week. Gonna love it. Levity Live? Is that what it is? Or Stand Up Live? Levity Live.

Levity Live. Bert Kreischer, where you at next? I'm in Stress Factory this week. American Comedy Company. Wilbur Theater. Helium Buffalo. See me in January. All right.

You go to their websites for further details. Thanks, everybody, for tuning in. This was a lot of fun for us.. This was a lot of fun for us. Glad it was a lot of fun for you. And it's 2017. Let's get this shit together, bitches. Come on.