The Joe Rogan Experience - #9 - Brian Redban (Part 1)

Episode Date: February 24, 2010

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

Start record. Start broadcast. Shazam, bitches! I think it's on. Are we live? Uh... Yeah, it's live. Hi, fuckers. We're getting a little better. 307 now. That's a little bit better, right? There we go.

Zoom, zoom, zoom, what's happening fuckers? Everybody can hear us? It's all good? Let's leave it sideways like that. We are live! We can leave it with a gangsta lean. Uh, Hello everybody. Welcome to the, I don't know, what is it?

The fucking ninth weekly one or something? We have continued. Motherfucking saga continues. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you drink coffee, okay? Like a fucking man. See that shit right there? That's what's called a French press. You can get it at Starbucks for like 20 bucks or something.

Or, you know, at Target for like 20 bucks. That's what I was in the middle of saying. Target and Starbucks at the same time. You just grind up your coffee. You pour it in this motherfucker. You pour the hot water. You push down the plunger. But bam, you got coffee.

Yeah, it's gritty. And it's got like little pieces of stuff in it, but so what, you fucking pussy. Man up. Man up and drink your coffee. So how is Australia? Australia is the shit. If you've never been to Australia, it's fucking spectacular.

It's beautiful. The people are cool as fuck. It's really bizarre, man. It's way the fuck on the other side of the world. Like, literally on the other side of the world to where it's a 19-hour time difference between Los Angeles and Australia. What's the weed laws like out there? Is there any? The weed is not very legal there.

But it's everywhere. Everybody's got weed. Oh, any? The weed is not very legal there. No. But it's everywhere. Everybody's got weed. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, so. Because I got a text from Mayhem right before we left because Mayhem got there before us

and he said, yo, this is the exact test, the exact text. Yo, customs here is a motherfucker. Don't bring any weed to Kangaroo Island. Which if you know mayhem that's a that's a mayhem quote right there nice um so ladies and gentlemen a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orca did you hear about that shit no you didn't hear about that killer whale killed a trainer at sea world wow and what's amazing to me is how they haven't been killing people up to this point could you imagine if whales killer whales are supposed to be super

intelligent i mean they're like as intelligent as humans they're cousins of dolphins and and we put them in a fucking fish tank and make them do tricks for mackerels you know could you imagine what kind of hell that life is and this uh whale had killed a homeless man that snuck into the fucking tank in 1991 and he had also uh or it might be a she i'm not sure he or she had also i think it's he had also uh almost drowned a trainer remember that that video where the killer whale was playing with the person, dunking him under? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same whale.

It's not like the warning fucking signs weren't there. It's like, you know, you hear Mike Tyson punch somebody. You couldn't be shocked? What happens? How did he die? Oh, it's a woman that died. He grabbed her by the waist

and just fucking ripped her up. In the middle of a live show? Yep, the beginning of a live show. Where's the YouTube videos? Is it out? That's a good question. I bet they confiscated

everybody's cameras and shit as they were leaving. Yeah, but you know, the SD cards are so small, you'd think you'd learn to shove it up your ass or something like that.

This guy, if he was there, for sure, there would be a video of it one fucking thousand percent yeah as soon as i heard we need everybody's cameras sd card up ass save two you would have uploaded to youtube already yeah that would have been bluetooth to you stream yeah there's no fucking way i mean could you imagine what that must have looked like? You're there, and all of a sudden, the killer,

he grabbed her about the waist and just started smashing her back and forth, just ragdolling her. He just had enough. He just said, that's it. That's it, motherfuckers, you know? It's really incredible that we think it's cool to do that, and then we go and watch

them, you know? It's really like, zo think it's cool to do that. And then we go and watch them. You know? It's really like zoos bum me the fuck out. We went to a zoo in Australia while we were there. And the cool part of it was the crocodile cage. Because I don't think that crocodile gives a fuck where it is. I think crocodiles are so dumb. I mean, their minds seem so dead. They just lay there with their eyes closed underwater

for like hours at a time, but they don't have to breathe. They don't have to breathe for like an hour. So they just lay underwater and just do nothing and just sit there. They don't run around and play. Like when you pass like the monkey cage at a zoo, that shit's depressing because they don't want to be there. When I was in Denver, there's a zoo in Denver and the monkey got in his fucking cage and was

howling this horrible howl and it wasn't a big cage this monkey was screaming out like a tortured soul it was like a man in prison you know let me out of here the monkey was just just screaming at the top of his lungs and i was like you know this is not good like this is not cool to do them for what so people can stare at them i mean that shit might have flown in the 1930s you know back when there was no zoos or back when there's no videos but we have videos now man you don't have to put them in a zoo you know but but that's the only time we would ever be able to see most of those animals that's the only time we would ever be able to see most of those animals that's the only thing that makes me go well i see the reason for a zoo because i'm not

going to africa and hunting down a white tiger you know right but is it worth it for them to struggle just so you could stare at them yeah but you don't know it could also be like dude wait i don't have to hunt my food there's just a steak here every morning when I wake up. I could sleep. No. For like tigers, that shit is orgasmic. To chase down an animal, chase it, move it. You ever see a cat, like if you roll a ball or a string in front of them, they can't

help themselves, man. You should know that. You have cats. Cats can't help it. They live for chasing shit. It's just like a guy with a hard dick lives to fuck. It's really the same thing, man. Nature rewards them for being a good predator. And I think the same way food tastes good for us and sex feels good for us, they love to kill, man.

Nature rewards them with some crazy rush of energy and endorphins when they kill something. So you give them a cold plate of meat, just push an aluminum tray under the fucking cage, that's not the same, man. That's not fun. Guaranteed. But that doesn't... The killing thing

bothers me, but what really bothers me is the fucking amount of room that they have to move around. Thearoo cage LA Zoo death the kangaroo cage was fucked up you're into the San Diego Zoo though that's a whole I mean yeah that's what I was there I was like man I would like to be an animal in this cage oh no we went down this serious fucking delay between what we're saying and what we're saying. Is that it? We got it. Okay. Yeah, San Diego is the shit.

The way they have it is nice. They have a big, giant-ass place. That makes sense, but that's fucking expensive. Yeah. You know? But that's how it should be.

Places like the L.A. Zoo just shouldn't exist because that's just wrong. You go to the L.A. Zoo, that's just depressing as fuck. But there is zoos, like the Columbus Zoo where I'm from, is one of the biggest zoos Hanna's from it and it's nice they may have just acres and acres and acres of land and they you know I don't know if they maybe throw out some goats once in a while for the tigers or something they just don't talk about it

no they don't do that they don't ever do that they do that in Iraq there's a video in Iraq of they let a donkey loose and this is how they do it every day and the donkey's just walking around eating and they open up the gate and these tigers come running out of the gate and just bitch slap that donkey to the ground and fucking jack them it's really kind of wild to see and it's really shocking these gis filmed it when they were in iraq at the zoo it's's shocking to see, but that's really the way they're supposed to eat. Like, that's how you should do it. If you're gonna feed animals, you're gonna have wild animals. You should have them eat

what they normally eat, man. I mean, like, what's with this feeding fucking snakes, frozen mice? Give them a fucking mouse, you know? I mean, that's what they're supposed to do. We're trying to, like, enforce our own ideas of morality and predation on fucking monsters.

You know what I mean? Like, look, a snake is a monster, dude. You know? Tigers, that's a monster. Those are all monsters. They're natural monsters. There's a whole natural cycle of things, and to take them out of that, there was a kangaroo cage. That was the most depressing thing.

Because those kangaroos were just sitting there. They didn't do shit. They just laid there. Human beings, though, could be considered monsters. So if you put somebody in prison that's a mass murderer,

we're doing the same thing. We should let that mass murderer go out on his way and just murder a shitload of people. What? What kind of dumbass logic is that? Well, I mean, if you're saying a tiger's a tiger or whatever,

like a snake should kill its own prey and we should do it what... Well, no. We're feeding them killed prey. We kill it first. That's what's the most ridiculous thing. Is that we kill what they eat first so that it's not as brutal for us. Somehow or another. Someone else kills it, you buy it killed, then you feed it to them. That's ridiculous. That's not a mass murderer dude mass murderers are just fucked in the head they're not they're not killing for food as a part of a natural cycle they're just nuts yeah you know and then when you get a nutty person the problem is human consciousness is so more

complex supposedly than animal consciousness because we have the ability to alter our environment so you can't have someone whose consciousness is haywire. Because when you have serial killers and mass murderers, what you have is someone whose consciousness has just gone off the tracks and into the woods, and you have just chaos. And if a society is aware of itself, it has to realize that there's certain issues that are going to come up when you have crazy people running around killing your family and your friends. So you've got to kill them. What

you're supposed to do with someone like a mass murderer, if you're absolutely convinced, that's the problem, really. The problem is the court system. The court system is so fucking corrupt, and so many times DAs and prosecutors are just trying to get a guilty verdict, and they don't give a fuck if someone is guilty or not. There's many, many, many instances where cops have framed guys that were innocent. People have gone to jail for years. It turns out through DNA evidence they were framed. I mean, that's happened many, many, many, that's the real fucking problem. But if we could be absolutely sure that we knew that somebody was a mass murderer or a rapist or anyone with no remorse who hurt other people and could hurt someone that you care,, you've got to kill them.

Why keep them around? There's too many fucking people. I mean, look, it's not like they're not going to die eventually anyway. It's not like if you don't kill them, they're going to fucking cure cancer and live forever. No, they're not going to do anything. A mass murderer is not going to contribute to society. They're just not. Nothing good is going to come out of that.

They should just line them up and like, oh, you need a new liver. Bam. You're on death row. There should be no time period and they're going to electrocute you. They should just shoot you. Take all the parts that they can use. They could use your corneas or your livers and stuff like that. Yeah, but that's an interesting topic because there was a thread on the message board on my website

where people were talking about organs having a memory and uh they're all these people who have gotten transplants from people all of a sudden they knew things they couldn't have possibly known of that people they don't even know but you know stuff like that yeah i mean i've heard of many things like that where people all of a sudden had cravings for certain types of foods and they had no idea that the person i mean this is not just one instance. And see the thing is about memory, like we don't know where memory is stored exactly. We don't, I mean they know an incredible amount more than the average person about the way

the human body works. Much more than people knew a hundred years ago. Much more than, you know, even a decade ago. But they don't know everything. There's a lot of questions, man. First of all, with the human body, your cells regenerate every 7 to 10, I think it's 7 years. So literally every cell in your body changes and becomes a new one. You're a new version of you every 7 to 10 years. Really?

Yes, they're not the same anymore. So if that's the case, where the fuck are your memories? Because I have memories that are way more than seven years old. So where are the memories stored? If you have a completely new cell, I mean, are the memories transferred back and forth between the cells when the new one is born?

Is it born with the same memories? Where's the memory? Where's it stored? We don't fucking know. The other idea is that the memory is stored in the neurons. Well, if that's the case, because the neurons are the only thing that stay. The neurons are not, you get, the neurons you get are the neurons you get forever. You don't get new ones. They don't regenerate every seven years.

But the heart is filled with neurons. You know, it's like one of the biggest clusters of neurons in the body. It's like right up there with the brain. And I think, you know, people who have had heart transplants, I don't think it's that preposterous that they would have memories. I don't think it's that preposterous at all. I think it is. And I think that these people that say that they're having dreams and stuff,

they probably would have had that same exact dream with or without it. Why would you say that, Brian? They're talking about things they couldn't possibly have known about. People have this little girl. Have you ever had dreams of strangers? This little girl gave up the exact identity and location of the man who murdered the girl who gave her the heart. Do you know that story? No, but it sounds very far-fetched.

It sounds far-fetched, but it doesn't mean it's not true. There's some things that I read like that, that it's kind of like, to me, it's seeing UFOs. It's either somebody that I read that it's kind of like to me is seeing UFOs. It's either somebody that wants attention. That's possible. That's just dumb and they're going, no, I had my arm transplant and now I'm having all these dreams of people I don't know. Okay, that's possible. I know, I know. But it's also possible that it's real.

And that's the problem with skepticism. Totally. real and that's the problem with skepticism totally with skepticism when it comes to something that we don't understand that's the problem is that you know you run the possibility of excluding something because it seems irrational but the reality is we don't have enough information to decide what's rational and what's irrational just the idea that you have memories at all is fucking nuts you know the idea that you can how about the idea that you can change people's memories you know they say that especially like right after something shocking, if you start talking

to someone and introducing new ideas to them, they'll, they'll have, they'll re-remember the whole situation. Wow.

They'll change the whole way they remember things. Wow. Like, have you ever thought of something in some way and then you go back

and you watch the video and you're like, god damn, it wasn't like that at all. Like, I had a fucking, I don't trust my memory that much i trust some things there's some things that i know that are recorded in there forever for real and no doubt about it there's some things because i've made sure that i've kept that memory like i've had some pretty

intense experiences where i made sure like i am going to make sure that i record this one right but other ones are a fucking blur, man, you know? There's a lot of them that are blurry. You know, you look back on your high school years, like, Jesus Christ. It's like slideshows, and I barely remember any of it. Do you remember, like, weird? It's getting worse and worse. I'm actually pretty good with a lot of weird memories,

but then the other day I was trying to think of somebody that I actually hung out with for three years when I was a kid and don't remember his face at all. My sister's like, you don't remember him? We hung out all the time. Yeah. I remember him, but I don't have any idea what he looks like. Yeah, I've had that happen to me before, for sure. That's fucking weird. It is weird. It's so weird. I wonder where all that shit goes. Up in smoke.

Why is it that someone can pull it back, though? Like someone will say something, and you go, yes! And then all of a sudden, boom, the memory blossoms in your mind. What is that? Is it like you're giving CPR to the memories? It's like they're almost dead? Yeah, it's like a branch of the tree was hit. A nerve of that memory was hit,

and it woke up that section of memory or whatever. Yeah, something along those lines. I mean, what is that? What the fuck is that? What's the matter, bro? I'm getting tired of myself. What happened? Oh, dude, you had a spider on your face.

Look. Oh, shit. That's a daddy long leg. How the fuck did that get on me? Your house is a beer factory. Oh, I'm not on OB

and Anthony this week. It's not this week. They made a mistake. I'm there March 26th, not February 26th. It 26 it's the Friday Friday before the UFC next month I'm in Dallas this weekend I'm not in New York this weekend so I'm gonna be at the Addison improv this weekend Friday Saturday and Sunday with my man Joey Diaz and Brian will be there as well if we get Brian drunk we might have to talk him into going on stage

Brian is actually funny comedian he's done stand-up a couple of times he did it in Atlanta he did it you know I was going to try to go up on stage before this weekend just in case if I get too drunk and put me on stage. But I really – it really hurts me to go back and spend three hours of my life for like five minutes in front of two people. Yeah. The open mic nights, it is a grind. People ask me questions all the time like, hey, I'm thinking about doing comedy. What's the best advice? I'm like, man, you got to be willing to put your whole life aside.

You got to be willing to – you got to be willing to – especially if you have a job during the day. You have a job I'm like, man, you got to be willing to put your whole life aside. You got to be willing to, you got to be willing to, especially if you have a job during the day, you have a job during the day, man, your nighttime, you now, that's your social life. It's going to be stand-up comedy. You're going to be going to clubs and you're going to be performing

and you have to do it all the time. If you don't do it all the time, you're going to forget all your material. Whatever comfort you gain on stage will be eroded very quickly. It's a goddamn long-ass grind, man. Yeah, I think if I was younger, I would totally be into it. But it's really hard to be an adult and waste that much time.

It is. It is hard. I started out doing stand-up when I was 21. That's when I did it, right after my 21st birthday. I had shit going on back then man you know I mean I was doing things I have you know I had a life sort of but it wasn't like I had a family right a mortgage or you know no obligations yeah I have no internet I had no obligations you know so it wasn't it's hard when you have a girlfriend and you have a life and you have a wife and you have children and you have a mortgage.

Fuck, man. You know, when I talk to dudes that are like 40 and they're thinking about doing comedy, I'm like, you know, okay. That's like saying, I'm thinking about getting into brain surgery, man. What do you think about brain surgery? Not saying that comedy is as hard as brain surgery. Right. surgery not saying that comedy is as hard as brain surgery because it's first of all it's not as it's not as difficult to remember all the things you need to remember with brain surgeries but it is just as difficult in a way because there's no real path I mean you could suck as a comedian you can't suck as a

brain surgeon you're fucking going to jail so it's obviously a lot more discipline involved in brain surgery because you have to do it correctly but both are equally difficult to actually fucking do and put anything in this life is difficult if you if you're gonna really do it i mean just think about if you started tomorrow and you wanted to be a computer programmer you don't know shit about computers you just you're starting from scratch and you want to be a computer programmer. Fuck. Imagine the fucking work that's involved in that. A lot of reading though.

You know, it's a lot of reading. Nowadays, I mean, I could pretty much teach myself some programming by just looking at videos

online. You know how to type. You know about computers. You know a lot of shit about computers. You know a lot of shit about code. You know,

to a person that has no experience whatsoever and decides i want to take on a new career i want to be a computer programmer i want to code for video games good fucking luck man how about i want to create video game engines i just i don't know where i want to be the next john carmack you're fucked man yeah you're fucked that shit will take forever anything that's worth doing takes fucking forever to get good at you know

and comedy is no different comedy music is no different you know I often like look at people playing piano or playing guitar

or something like that and I go how cool would that be to be able to just fucking jam on the guitar I wish but god damn that's a lot of fucking time

I've tried to learn that though it's a coordination thing for me though with that that's something lot of fucking time i've tried to learn that though it i it's it's a it's a coordination thing for me though for that that's something i think you're just born with being able to understand be able to coordinate each finger a certain way and well it's it's also cultivation it's also if you do things like with your fingers like that early on in life you know it becomes much easier as you get older they say that um the army now is using um they're using xbox controllers for their drones because these fucking kids are so used to it yeah and they're encouraging people to play video games i mean it's just a matter of time before they start

record uh recruiting like the the baddest motherfuckers in video games like yeah they probably already do yeah i mean like if you could play like war games with like a keyboard and a mouse like there's these dudes that play quake like professionally those motherfuckers can move that mouse cursor and put it on an object like instantaneously you know they know exactly where that cursor is going they play so much that when they move that mouse the mouse and a keyboard is way more accurate than that joystick thing. The joystick thing is kind of difficult to manipulate, like the toggles and exactly where the crosshair goes.

But if you have a mouse, you can put a mouse, if you understand how quick, it all depends on, everybody likes a different, some people like high sensitivity, some people like low sensitivity. But the bottom line is, once you get used to whatever it is, you move the mouse, the cursor goes in certain directions. They can put it, like, exactly where they want to instantly. So it's not like when you're in a helicopter and you see the insurgents. You got to move the crosshairs and get them in line. We have them in line.

We have them in line. No, it's bang. I mean, they could do it so fucking quick. I mean, that would be some crazy shit if you could have drones and have like that guy fatality you know fatality is yeah he's like the baddest motherfucking quake player ever this dude is just ridiculously accurate with his mouth and a cool guy too i met him very nice guy but if you got that guy playing for your army and you had drones with missiles in it from that fucking guy holy Holy shit. You know? Yeah. That's the future, man. Welcome to the new world.

It's pretty crazy how video games have exploded from something that used to be like little ping pongs. Now people have amazing video games on their phones. Yeah, it's incredible, man. Just look at what you can do with your iPhone. Playing all these different racing games and shit. We're working on the new UFC fight game right fuck it's amazing man when you watch some of the graphics and shit like they dive for

knee bars they get triangles they throw head kicks and punches flying knees and shit you see all this crazy shit all these different techniques they can do just like in real fighting and it's like it's so close to being like a video, like an actual UFC fight that you can manipulate. You know, the limit is in the controller, I think. What eventually is going to happen is you're going to have a goddamn suit on. You're going to have a fucking suit on. Or you're just going to have this little wire plugged in on your forehead and you're just going to think. That could happen, but Microsoft is very close to developing that whole

system where you interact with the game. What's it called? Natal. It comes out like, I think November, or it might have got pushed back. Spell it? N-A-T-A-L. And it's pretty much just like a camera or something that sits on top of your TV and then... It reads your motions. It reads your motions. Yeah, that's

incredible, because that's going to be fucking cool. Imagine having like a UFC game where you could learn how to fight without actually fighting. Yeah, but my problem with that whole thing is, I think maybe if I was a kid I would have loved it, but when I'm playing a video game, I don't want to have to be doing this shit. Well, you say that. No, because I'm doing it with Wii right now, Nintendo Wii. Yeah, but Wii is whack. It's this little thing, and you're playing ping pong and it sort of moves

the way you want it to. I did a Wii card game once and I was like, this is not specific at all. It's not rewarding. Yeah, but it's something about having to get up. You're a lazy fuck.

That's what you're trying to say. Yeah, if I was a kid it might have been better but nowadays, I want to play video games and I just want to sit there and smoke weed. But that's dependent

on the graphics. What if the graphics were like 3D fucking super dope virtual reality type shit and you had a virtual gun and you're running down a hallway shooting at all kinds of shit. Like you have a gun in your hand and it reads

this gun. Come on man. That would be the shit. And the actual running that you take place. Like maybe that would be the shit if you had a fucking warehouse. Like a virtual reality warehouse like you enter into the door

you put on this helmet and it's just a flat ass warehouse like laser tag yeah but complete 3D virtual reality you know

yeah and if you get close to the walls like a little light goes on you are getting close to the wall that would be cool

just turn right you know yeah come on man I've just gotten to a point where this Nintendo Wii shit just drives me crazy getting close to the wall. That would be cool. Just turn right, you know? Yeah, yeah. Come on, man. I've just gotten to a point where this Nintendo Wii shit just drives me crazy. The Wii is boring, man.

The Wii is like playing pool, but there's no pool cue. Yeah. You're just going like, and there's no feedback. You don't need feedback, man. Like, I want to click a button and see a gun go off.

You know, I want to click the mouse button and see the rocket take off. This whole moving an arm through the air, that's fucking weak. That's stupid. I forget what it was. They just said the other day that in the future that they're going to use Google Maps and Street View of Google Maps. And you're going to be playing video games of your street.

You're going around in your house. That's nuts. You know what I mean? You should be able to find out if someone is playing, like, fucking Doom on your street and blowing up your house. Right. And you should be like, yeah. Yeah, she's like, hey, just want you to know.

They should, like, send you an email. It should be like The Sims, where it's like your house is the house in the video game. And so, like, if you try to break into your house, they're trying to break into your house. Never mind. Like, everyone should have their own house in the video game. Yeah, that would be kind of cool. That would be cool, right? But then you would know where everybody lives.

Everyone lives. Unless you killed them. Kill them in the video game, then they don't have access to you? Well, for like 24 hours or something like that, and you can run away. I'm kind of shocked that virtual reality kind of hit like a... The technology never really developed the way I thought it was going to. You heard you heard about that shit like way back in the 80s and i thought wow like there was movies based on that and i was like i thought like wow remember like um well sort of dagger i don't remember what movie remember total recall they fucking make you could dream right

yeah that shit's coming it's a total recall what was the one with the chick with the red hair they've already been able to take images and implant them in people's minds and they've been able to read images from people's minds like read what you're thinking about like you can look at something and the computer

like there's some sort of sensors that they hook up to your brain and then it sends the image to a computer and it's it can tell what you're fucking looking at like that's nuts man because eventually i mean this is in a very rudimentary stages of technology where they can only pick out shapes and shit but eventually they're going to be able to fucking see what you're seeing yeah that's the element is that what it was yeah check out the red hair and fifth element is that the bruce wallace movie yeah and they had like memories like that movie Fifth Element. Is that what it was? Yeah. The chick with the red hair. Fifth Element. Is that the Bruce Willis movie? Yeah, and it had memories.

That movie was dope. They plugged memories in your head. How badass was Chris Tucker in that movie? Remember he was that crazy alien? Remember Lawnmower Man? That was a good movie, too. That was another nutty movie about a retard that went crazy, right? Right.

Put a computer in his brain or something. Right. Yeah. Another Stephen King book. Stephen King. Oh, no. It was Strange Days. Was it? crazy right right put a computer in his brain right something right yeah another stephen king book stephen king oh no it was strange days was it strange days was another virtual reality something crazy ass i think it was strange days that was an awesome movie strange days this guy right here just said i can't wait for strange days to become true that's what it was it was strange was it yeah that was the one. Angela Bassett, right? Yeah. She will forever be Tina Turner. Sorry.

You're not allowed to do any other movies. I don't give a fuck. You're Tina Turner. What was I going to say? This fucking Miss Beverly Hills. Did you hear about this? Yeah. Another, one of these beauty pageant chicks came out saying that she doesn't believe

that gays should be married. And she quoted Leviticus in the Old Testament saying that the Bible says that, it's some stupid quote, like, any man who lays down with a man as if, you know, the same way he lays down with a woman, it's an abomination and should be put to death. So she came out and said that gays should be put to death. I love it. Look, she's supporting the old testament which by the way i mean whatever you fucking want to believe about religion that's all well and good you know who who knows if god is real who knows i mean it could be that you know the bible was

completely ridiculous because god wants things confusing who Who knows? But it gets to a certain point where you read certain things and you got to go, all right, every people are full of shit. And there was no internet back then. It's not like, you know, there was a copy of the Bible on Wikipedia and people kept altering it, but everybody was like, no, that's not what it says. And they went back and changed it. You know, they didn't, the old Testament, they didn't even write that fucking thing down for like a thousand years. It was just stories, you know. And the idea that those stories, you can't tell, I can't tell a story to him and he tells it to his girlfriend.

And his girlfriend writes it in her blog and it's the same story. It'll be fucked up for sure. I can't tell you how many times like someone has gone to one of my gigs and I've said something and then a guy like will quote on Twitter like, oh dude, that was so funny last night when you said this about that. I'm like, damn, I didn't say that. Like you're saying something fucked up. What I said was a lot nicer, you know, but when you realize like that memories are so fucking, there's no way, there's no way you can be that accurate over a thousand years with people talking about it.

And then on top of it, the original Old Testament Bible was written in ancient Hebrew. And to this day, they only know three out of four words in ancient Hebrew. 25% of the words, they don't have a clue as to what they mean. Not only that, letters and numbers were the same thing back then. There were no numbers. So the letter a was also the number one so there was like numerical value in words like the word love and the word God they have the same numerical value in ancient Hebrew but as

soon as they translated that to Latin and to Greek that shit was all gone that shit was all lost so for this dumb bitch to sit and think that God wants people to put to death that they're gay. This is the – Miss Beverly Hills. This is a new one. New Miss California. And California is supposed to be so liberal. It ain't Miss Texas.

Do you know who Carrie Ann Pansche is or whatever her name is? She's from Celebrity Rehab. Panish. Panish. She was the one that had the threesome with the guy from Grey's Anatomy. Anyways, on this show, Celebrity Rehab, you just want to strangle her. I think it's almost with these pageant people. Because I know a couple of these girls that do the pageants and stuff like that.

They're fucked up in their head. They've been doing it all their life. These little kids are growing up. Do you remember last time, not last time we went to Dallas, but the time before when there was that little girl pageant right going on at the hotel yes you remember that yeah that was scary that was the weirdest fucking thing ever we're hanging out at the hotel and there's all these little girls i mean little like six yeah yeah six years old with high heels and makeup on with their hair done and jewelry and dresses and you're like, what the fuck is going on here? That shit is an

abomination. That is a fucking travesty. I feel like I was doing something wrong in the elevator because I was in the elevator with two of them and I looked at her and I'm like, oh my god she's arrested. It's like if they were naked fingering themselves in front of you.

Something's not right there. Sometimes my daughter will play with her pussy. I don't want to say this. It's just true. You would too if you had one. The other day she was lying there and she had her little feet up in the air. She's rocking back and forth. She just two hands.

Just grabs it. I don't know what to say. What do you say to that? go uh don't do that you can't tell her not to do that it's you know you don't want to suppress her and get her crazy yeah we also don't want her to be like like in kindergarten going hey anybody they all do it anyway dude i got news for you they all do it don't you remember doing weird shit with kids when you were little did i play doctor me and my friend played doctor with all the girls in our neighborhood. The only time I remember the most we had three girls

lined up and we were like, okay, we're going to be putting pencils in your vaginas to take off your pants. So we took off other pants and we just went back to each one and we'd pull it out and smell it. Oh, dude. What the fuck? But we were all like five. You could give those girls lead poisoning

i know they might be retarded now because of you they're all on my facebook too so hopefully they're not watching one you should on your facebook you should ask them all questions does anybody remember anything about pencils so do you remember me putting a pencil in your car but this this so this beauty pageant thing that we saw at the hotel, it was dark. I mean, it was really dark. Because there was all these weirdo fucking religious people with their kids dressed like whores. It made no fucking sense. I mean, no sense.

Because we were there on a Sunday, and they were talking about church. There was all this church talk. And you got your girl dressed as a fucking prostitute there's a six-year-old dressed as a prostitute and you're talking about church they had high heels shoes on i mean like this high which the only reason why shoes have heels like that is so that women's legs look longer so that guys think about them when they're pushing these long legs back and fucking the shit out of you that's what what that's for. Those, that long leg thing, why do you think, what do you think that's there for? You're sacrificing how you can walk.

How about that? Just so that men want to fuck you more than we already do, which is, we want to fuck you a lot. Wait, wait, wait, you have sex with a girl that has her shoes on, like high heels? Have you ever done that? No, no. What is up with that though? That's just porno stuff.

That's ridiculous. I mean, I'm sure somewhere in my life, you know, someone's not, you know, taking everything off. It's possible that someone would like that. But the whole, I don't like them in the first place. I hate them. I think they're ugly. It seems to me like you're doing something stupid.

Right. You know, I don't want to be, like, you're getting tricked. And you don't need to do it for me. Like, you know, my wife always wants to wear these high heels when she leaves the house. I'm like, okay,

if you want to do that, that's all good. But to me, it seems like you can't walk. Right. I'd rather you wear tennis shoes. But women love them, man. They love shoes.

They love how they look. They love, it's like how dudes love cars. You know how, you know, like you see like a 69 Mustang or something like that and you go, whoa. And you like pull up to it. You know how you see a 69 Mustang or something like that, and you go, whoa, and you pull up to a dude. Look at that motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying? There's something that men have. Women can go, wow, that's a pretty car, but it's not the same as how a dude looks at a car. Well, for girls, the shoe thing is just, they really fucking love shoes, man. They like makeup and shoes. It looks like they're the opposite sides

of the body because they're so ashamed of the middle. It bleeds. It's gross. Don't look at it. Look at my feet. Look at up here. My eyes are huge. Look at my lashes. They're unnaturally long. Yeah, right? It's probably something like that. My legs are so long. They're amazing.

Look how long my legs are. And where do they go to? I don't look up there. Don't look at my naughty. Well, you know, that's one thing if you're a woman. You know, if you're a grown woman, that's what you like. And, you know, what the fuck ever. Who gives a shit?

You want to go pierce your balls? Go do it. Who gives a shit? But for little kids, that's not cool, man. To have a six-year-old dress like a hooker. No, no. It's disturbing. It is disturbing. It felt very wrong. that's not that's not cool man to have a six-year-old dress like a hooker no no it's just disturbing it is disturbing it felt very wrong you know and you know like that whole john benet

ramsey case man that that shit disturbed still don't know the end of that case yet they don't know we're gonna find out the mother dad's still alive i believe the mom's dead they all died maybe the dad's dead too it's possible possible. Anybody know? Twitterverse? Yeah, Twitterverse says not cool and I agree. High heels are just as much an establishment as a male's tie is. Both are silly. That's true. That's true.

Braunschweizer. God damn, this Twitter shit goes too fast. Braunheiser. Yeah, you're absolutely right. I think ties are completely ridiculous. I haven't worn a tie in a long...

I did a documentary recently on DMT and I had to wear a tie because I played like a Rod Sterling type narrator. It's a really interesting documentary on DMT.

It'll be out sometime this spring. But I had to wear a tie. I had no idea how to tie this fucking thing. I had no idea. The last had to wear a tie. I had no idea how to tie this fucking thing. I had no idea. The last time I wore a tie was my first album.

Grab that thing off the wall real quick. My first album in 1999, you know, just as a goof. One of the things I always said that I love about being a comedian is that you don't have to wear a fucking tie. And so just my first CD, for whatever reason, I just thought it would be funny if I wore a tie. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. It just looks strange. I had to wear a tie for like 10 years.

Every day. Sucked. Yeah. If you want to work in business, man, it's like there's an agreement. Like everyone has to know that you are willing to wear something completely ridiculous because you're following by the, the very obvious rules of behavior. It's going to be really easy to predict what you're doing. That's what people like. Like I'm a gentleman, you know, like as a gentleman, well, I feel this, I'm a gentleman. We've got a tie on. Hello, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. You know, it's like's like there's this like this agreement that

you're not going to get too crazy you're not going to it's like my dr phil impression you know i'm bottom my shoes are shiny they're very slippery i'm not chasing after anybody you know it's like there's something to that there's something to this this silly outfit that you wear that's uncomfortable like if people started doing business and they had like rash guards on like lycra rash guards on like they're ready to go do jiu-jitsu and shit you know you know like why why would that be bad but it is bad you know you can't have like board shorts and you know what i'm saying you know running shoes on and you look like you're like ready to fucking pounce on people that nobody wants that in business you can't have when you go to business you have to be dressed uncomfortable your button

has to be all the way up here you know it's fucking ridiculous you know i hate it i remember i used to work at this architect firm for my stepfather and this was when i was big into acid and stuff like that so every time i would come to work i was either hung over uh still tripping on acid and you know or something like that but it was such a boring job that it was acceptable because all i had to do is make copies of architect plans do you think you wrote you still tripping on acid, you know, or something like that. It was such a boring job that it was acceptable because all that I had to do is make copies of architect plans

and stuff like that. Do you think you fucked up your brain on acid? Do you think you ever fucked up your brain on it? No. No? I think if,

when I was doing it, I was definitely fucked up. Was there any point, like, you know, you ever heard Howard Stern talk about his acid trip? No. Howard Stern talked about it on the radio and I I guess he did, like, a giant dose of acid, like, way too much.

And he was, like, all fucked up for, like, a long time. Like, he was hearing voices, and it was just, like, a real psychotic episode. And, you know, that's a really, that's the thing about psychedelics. Like, you got to make sure you don't fuck around and do too much. Like Dennis McKenna had an experience like that too. Dennis McKenna, who's Terrence McKenna's brother, they're both famous psychonauts, psychedelic pioneers in the 70s. They went to Brazil and he took like way too much mushrooms. And he lost his mind for like two weeks.

Like he couldn't communicate with people, you know? And the last time I did DMT, I was fucking whacked out for like two solid weeks. Not totally. You wouldn't guess if you were talking to me, I was totally normal. I did shows. The shows went great. I went to work. I did Fear Factor.

That went great. You know, nothing, nothing got fucked up in my life. But my head was like, I felt very, you know how you feel like your consciousness is like in a foundation. Your consciousness is like, you know, it's like, boom, solid. This is me. Good morning. You wake up in the morning. Hi, honey.

Kiss your girlfriend. Brush your teeth. This is fucking solid. When I did the DMT, my consciousness was like a little tiny raft in a fucked up ocean right it's like you know like nothing seemed like i kept having these ideas that cars were going to come launching themselves over the boundaries and hit my car while i was driving and i'm like i'm like why am i thinking this i'm like what is this about and then i realized that what it was was these this idea of worrying about possible disasters was my ego's way of regaining ground and letting me know that it has to have a certain amount of real estate in reality. psychedelics and go into other dimensions communicate with entities and and re-evaluate you know your whole position in the world and then humankind's position with each other that's

all well and good but there's some real shit in the world that the ego has to be there for and the ego was like sending me a message um dude what if a fucking car launched itself out you better be fucking paying attention like there was a a certain amount of, of where it was such a mind blowing experience that there was like a wrestling match going on in my head between my ego and between this new information and accepting all this new information from the psychedelic trip and, and incorporating it into the way I look at everyday life, you know? And like, you know, you think about someone who's like a real, like a shaman, you know, they're living in the jungle and they're all at peace in the world They're not calling people douchebags on the internet. You know there's a certain amount of enlightenment that if you achieve it

It's gonna make it very hard for you to function in The regular world and I think that's one of the most important things about psychedelic trips like there's a lot of cripples in the Psychedelic world and in the weed world too. There's a lot of people that they're so into these experiences that they can't incorporate it into their everyday life. And they're almost crippled in their everyday life because of it. And no psychedelic experience is worth anything unless you can take what you've learned from it and enhance regular life. Enhance your communication with people, your relationships with people. Enhance the way you look at the world. Enhance your career path, the kind of friends you hang around with.

Unless it can enhance you, the reality is we live in this world. For 8 hours a day or 12 hours a day or however long you're awake, this world, this shit, this concrete world is real. And you have to manage your way through this. And psychedelic drugs make it very difficult to do that if you want to have a regular job. I think psychedelics, the main thing with psychedelics is it opens up a door. And in the past, I've been offered DMT, but I won't do it because when I first did mushrooms, that opened up to a door of things I never thought of or saw before. And it's never going to go away.

It didn't damage my head. But now that I know that exists, I know it's there. And so when acid did the same thing. But there's a point where I have to go, okay, is this door, does this door need to be open? Is this anything positive with this door being open? And some drugs are like that for me. Because like salvia was the closest to the point where I was like,

okay, that is a scary door that I opened up that just pretty much made everything seem fake like like it was like this world is fake everything's fake and I know that's not true but it opened up that door where I'm like okay that's almost too much of a door I shouldn't have opened up that door I'm never gonna be able to get back that that thought of not knowing that was there I think that's pretty we're pretty much saying the same thing yeah it's I'm never going to be able to get back that thought of not knowing that was there. I think we're pretty much saying the same thing. It's like if you can't bring it back and incorporate it into your everyday life,

and sometimes you open up these doors, you're like, what the fuck am I going to do with this? Right, right. And then your everyday life is just whacked out. Some people like going back to that fake world so much, though, and that's where it gets fucking scary. Well, you know what? I think most of those people, their real world is not so hot. Right. And that's one of the reasons why

it becomes an escape. And I don't think it should be an escape. I don't think you should ever escape reality. You're here. This is life. Life can be a magical, fucking intense, fantastic experience if you manage it correctly. But if you

just want to escape all the time i've got to think that you're probably fucking up in this life and it's that's imbalanced you know the people that always want to go and it's like like the same thing with like video games like remember i told you about this dude there's this dude who used to be the manager at the comedy store that was addicted to everquest just completely addicted 8 10 12 hours a day lost everything lost his job lost his life he just was so pale you would see him he was so pale looked like he never saw sunlight like he would order in food and never leave the fucking house for days and he came down the comedy store one night and he goes it's so weird i'm so good at making money in my online life and so bad in my real life. Like he was starting to realize

that like he's a fucking loser in this life because he's excited and puts all of his passion and energy into this other life. But that's just really because this other life is a new and exciting thing, you know, a new and artificial thing. And he can control it from his computer without dealing with emotions and dealing with all the, you know, the fears and anxieties that the real world presents. But the reality is, if we live life in a computer screen and we were offered the real world as a video game, the real world would be so much more fantastic. You know, we just don't think of it as being fantastic because we're so goddamn used to it. You know, if we lived life in a computer in a computer monitor and that's how you were when

you were born and then one day someone said you know hey we've developed this new game that allows you to go outside and you go outside you actually get laid and you can go and have a real drink and you feel it you do a real shot of jack tenors you go holy this is real i can't believe it you know you go get laid for real and you drive a car for real. You'd be like, dude, the real world is the fucking shit. You would never want to play video games. The reason why we want to play video games is because it's a world that we can control completely independent from all the, the, the, the, like the pros and cons of this, this solid world, completely independent of the emotions and the insecurities and all the shit that we all experience but we don't like.

But the reason why we experience insecurities and anxiety and anger, these are all like little chemical signals to guide you towards a proper life. Like what I found in life, most importantly, more than anything, is that the way that I'm the most happiest is if I'm putting out positive energy. I'm putting out positive energy to people, to friends, positive energy on stage, positive energy with my writing, my work, with anything I'm doing. It's all friendly and positive and happy. And if you do that, you can have a fucking fantastic life. The problem is it's just difficult to do.

It's hard to keep your shit together. It's hard not to lose your temper. It's hard not to, you know, be obsessed with something and get sidetracked. And that's what, like, gambling addictions and masturbation addictions and all that shit, that's what that's all about. It's like you're trying to distract yourselves from all the pain of being a human, you know? I mean, I think fucking Hunter S. Thompson had a quote like that, like a man making himself a beast to get away from the pain of being a man. I forget exactly what the quote was, but something along those lines.

We distract the shit out of ourselves because the game of life is fucking hard to do, man. Just like a video game is hard to do. You know, you remember like back when i used to play quake like all the time i played quake like hours and hours a day and you and i played quake online we played against each other and like you can tell the difference between someone who's playing all the time because you you get really good at it you know you know where the buckets are gonna go and i was sticking rail guns up your ass and electric yeah i think you won 120 games and I won one.

Yeah. Maybe not even totally not fair. And like, and believe me, there's dudes online that would do that to me. Just rape me. Right. Why?

Because they had put so much time into this fucking crazy game. They would get good at it. But since you hadn't put time, how frustrating was it? So fucking, so you didn't want to play, right? You want to shut it off.

That's exactly the same as life. If you get good at life of the game, then it's fun as fuck. It's awesome. You know? If you're Leonardo DiCaprio, life must be the shit. You know what I'm saying?

He's starring in movies, driving a Ferrari, banging supermodels. What? What? He's got a gigantic fucking mansion. I mean, he's a movie. It must be so fun for him.

But not everybody can be Leonardo DiCaprio. So if you're the fucking garbage man who's, you know, came home and his wife is

fucking the newspaper guy, you know, that's not a fun life. That's just like a guy who's not good at Quake getting murdered in a game. It's not fun, man.

It's like playing pool. If you're good, like I play pool. I love pool. I get obsessed with it. But I have a friend, my friend Max Eberle. It's like playing pool. If you're good, like, I play pool. I love pool. I get obsessed with it. But I have a friend, my friend Max Eberle. He's a professional. And he's a top professional.

I mean, he's capable of winning, when he's in stroke, capable of winning any tournament in the world. I mean, he's really fucking good. And when I play against him, sometimes it's so frustrating. And I play pretty good. Like, for a regular person, I play good. But for, like, a pro, not even fucking close. So when I play Max, it's just getting my ass handed to me. It's just getting fucked.

The only time it's fun is when we play on a really, really tight table, so occasionally he misses. And then I'm like, oh, I get to shoot. You know, so he's much better at that game. You should give him a handicap or some sort of thing. No, we just don't play for anything. And it's good for me. It's good for me because you get used to playing against a guy like that.

It's not as fun as playing against a guy who's like your speed, but it's really good for your game because it makes sure that you capitalize on every mistake. Sometimes you'll play a guy who's not as good as you, and you're like, I don't worry about this, because if I miss, this guy's going to miss, and I'll have another shot. But with Max, every time you miss, you're like, fuck, I better sit down for a while.

Anyway, I believe that the Hunter S. quote is actually from Samuel Johnson, an English author. Thank you very much, sir. I thought it was a Hunter Thompson quote. Thank you, CJ McElhinney. What about words, names like Schwarzenegger? C.J. McElhinney. McElhinney. What about words, names like Schwarzenegger? How the fuck did that ever get through? Like, what culture ran out of sounds so they had a string together, something nutty like that?

People that like to write in cursive. Is that it? This is going to be the best cursive writing I've ever seen. Right, right, right. Like manuscripts. They used to write it on pages. Right, right, right. Like manuscripts. They used to write it on pages. They didn't have lines in the paper. They just had paper.

Right. And they would write it exactly. Have you ever heard of the Voynich Manuscript? No. The Voynich Manuscript. I don't know if I'm saying it right. It's this ancient manuscript that was found. It's hundreds of years old.

And they have no fucking idea what it says. They don't know the language. They don't know anything about it. They don't know if it's just nonsense, if some guy was just practicing scribble. But it's like really long. Yeah, and there's consistency in how it's written, but they can't decode it.

They've had like top encryption experts. And it's like, it's very divided. Like some people believe it's a hoax. And some people believe that it's some fucking lost language. And some people think that it's like, it's very divided. Like some people believe it's a hoax and some people believe that it's some fucking lost language and some people think that it's gloss,

like glossolalia, like when someone talks in tongues and that they just went into a fucking trance. Or just some retard with a pen. No, because it's got

really good writing, it's got diagrams in it and really good, really good illustrations, rather, and diagrams in it. That's weird. Yeah, it's really complicated.

You know, and they found that uh that temple in turkey that is uh 7 000 years older than the pyramids a very complex stone temple carved out of stone and shit and now they have to like rewrite like human history because like 7 000 years before egypt is 9 000 10 000 10,000 BC. In 10,000 BC, they already had temples and were worshipping shit. That throws a monkey wrench, clank, into the whole gears of the idea of cultural evolution. There's been this guy, John Anthony West. John Anthony West, look that up on Google, because this guy is fascinating. He's got an awesome DVD series called Magical Egypt and this guy's obsessed with Egypt. He spent his entire life studying Egypt and he believes that the Egyptian culture goes back way, way, way before the established timelines. Like the established

timelines for Egyptian culture is like 2500 BC. That's when they think like the pyramids were built and that the culture goes back a little bit before that, but not much. And he thinks it goes back like 35,000 years. He thinks that people have been around way, way longer and that there was some big break somewhere along the line. Like probably some sort of a natural cataclysmic

disaster. Like a meteor impact or something like that. And it could be 10,000, 15,000 years ago. They don't know when it was. But they think that there like an advanced culture and then boom it got fucked up and then culture rebuilds and society rebuilds and then what's left is like they're living in this shit that was made thousands and thousands of years ago and they tried to imitate it and recreate it and they can't and he believes that that's what it is like these these fucked up pyramids that they have in egypt it's not that these pyramids were like the first pyramids.

He thinks much, much more likely these pyramids were probably like people were trying to duplicate other shit. Duplicate shit that was already there. You know, they believe that. Actually, that's not his theory. That's someone else's theory. His theory is, and one of the things is about the Sphinx. They brought in geologists. And the geologists have like documented the erosion of the Sphinx, and they say that it's water erosion.

And thousands of years of rainfall have cut deep fissures in the whole enclosure where the Sphinx is. And the problem with that is the last time there was rainfall in the Nile Valley was like 7,000, 9,000 BC. So that would mean that the pyramids, or the Sphinx rather, would have to be like 7,000 years older than the established timeline. And so of course, none of the Egyptologists, like the guys have been teaching forever, that the pyramids and the Sphinx and all that was built about 2,500 BC. They never want, they don't want to accept it. They go, well, where's the evidence for this culture? Like it's right there man. There's fucking rainfall for thousands of years have created this and geologists are universal about that. There's no one who's disputing that. The geologists are all saying he's got hun...

This guy Ron Schock, who's a professor at Boston University, has got over a hundred professional professors and geologists to sign off on the fact that this is undoubtedly water erosion, which completely changes the timeline for when the Sphinx was built. And there's a bunch of that shit going on in Egypt. They believe that it's like probably, you know, maybe even 30,000 years old. There's a mass extinction took place on the earth somewhere around 10,000 years ago. And that's when the woolly mammoths died instantaneously. That's when the saber-toothed tigers died. Noah's Ark.

No, that's before that. But the, like, 10,000 years ago, North America, like, half of North America was under a mile-high sheet of ice. Like, there was an ice age going on. And something killed it and ended it, like half of North America was under a mile high sheet of ice. Like there was an ice age going on and something killed it and ended it like instantaneously. And they don't know what it was. And it's very, very likely that it was a fucking natural disaster. It's very likely that it was a fucking meteor impact. It's some, whoa, what happened to that guy's arm? You're distracting the shit out of me, son. Don't look at me. Well, don't fucking have a monitor open in front of me Dude's surfing He's not even paying attention We do one week podcast

This dude is so addicted To the internet He can't even talk For one week I've heard you talk before You've heard me talk Well this is online dude There's 675 people

That have not heard this story Don't look at me Shut up faggot Anyway I think people have been around Way longer I think it's much more likely that... It's just ridiculous that people still don't believe in how long this world's been around.

You know what I mean? Oh, like people believe the Earth is 10,000 years old? Yeah, it just drives me crazy. Well, you know, that's a monster number. More than 50% of America, according to a Gallup poll, which is not the same because... Here's the thing about polls you can't say like according to a recent poll 50 of americans believe this because no no according to your recent poll 50 of americans who are fucking retarded enough to answer your

poll believe in that that's the reality of it polls are never representative of anybody intelligent because you can't get me to answer a fucking poll. You can't get you. You got shit to do. Don't you have a hobby? Right. You hear somebody calls you, may I have five minutes of your time? No, that's for like old ladies who have no friends.

That's what that is. Right. Well, look at this glitter. I want to look. Or I'm fucking super baked and I just don't want to hang out with a person. And I'm like, um, okay. Five minutes? Okay.

You know, I'm trying to be nice. But the reality is polls represent? Okay. You know, I'm trying to be nice. But the reality is polls represent retards. You know? You're a fucking, you're a dullard. You're answering polls, goddammit?

The only time I do a poll is if I think I'm going to win something if I answer. 20% of Americans can't find the United States on a globe. Is that true?

Joe Beef? Don't be lying. Joe Beef? Beef is lying. Joe Beef, did you make that shit up? Solar flares up in 2012, bro. We're crossing the galactic equator then. You know what?

There's a guy, which is it? Richard Tyson? Is that his name? What is that guy's name? The astronomer. Really, Neil Tyson. Neil Tyson. Very, very intelligent guy.

And I really like listening to him talk, and one of the things he said about this whole crossing the aquatic, whatever, what is it, what is the exact, the way this guy, galactic equator, I think that's what this guy said, yeah, like, we're crossing through the center of the galaxy, like, we're, everything's in line on December 21st, 2012. You know what he says? He says that happens all the time. He says that, like, line up with the center of the galaxy, it doesn't happen then.

He says it happens all the time. And nothing happens. So who knows if he's right or if he's one of those guys that's, like, super skeptical. But I think what's much more likely that's going to happen in 2012 is something technological. Something technological. Some crazy invention, you know, like... I don't think it's going to be anything. It could be that too.

It could be that 2012, what really happens is nothing happens. And then people realize, oh, we have to actually manage this life. We can't just rely on fucking aliens landing. I was more scared about 2000 just because that made sense. Like all the computers, planes dropping from the sky. I was scared too.

I didn't do a gig in 2000. I stayed home. Yeah, I thought for sure there was at least going to be something small in 2008. Isn't it crazy that that's 10 years ago now? Time is just fucking flying by, man. It's crazy fast. It's weird.

It almost feels like it's quicker every year. And everybody says that, but what if time really is quicker? What if clocks are moving quicker too? We just can't really establish it because that wouldn't make sense because what about digital clocks? Well, no. They all exist in this fucking dimension.

Maybe this dimension is moving quicker. Units of time are, you know, almost... I think we're forgetting more. So it feels like we're forgetting more of the day. Because we have more information? Yeah. Yeah, maybe, right? Afraid for appetiters.

Thoughts on the zeitgeist movement. You know what I think about zeitgeist and all that stuff? There's a lot of zeitgeist that's poorly researched, like the stuff that he said about Mithra and the different gods and stuff that are just like Jesus. A lot of that is really poorly researched and incorrect and been proven wrong. There's a website that says, I think it's common,

debunking Zeitgeist or something like that. I forget what the website is titled, but I mean, the guy just breaks down all the errors that the dude who made the movie made. And it's just, you know, he's quoting references and showing very clearly that the Zeitgeist guys have made some big problems, big fuck-ups. And I think his whole, how sure he is that September 11th was designed and perpetrated by the U.S. government,

and that Tower 1 and Tower 2 fell because they were detonated. Like, you're sure of that? Look, no one's sure of that. That's can't say free spot all this talk of free fall speed and the towers fell at free fall speed yeah they fell pretty fucking fast but that's what happens when shit falls apart it falls apart pretty fucking fast especially shit that's super heavy and gigantic and all that weight is on and it's all just collapsing who the fuck knows what happens when you build a building that way and you fly a fucking giant plane filled with jet fuel into it the only way to really know I mean you can have theories but the only way to really know is to build another building

and fly another jet into it exactly the same way and see what happens and if it falls down exactly like that one then the arguments pretty much over and if it doesn't then you have to go well well, okay, well, what was inside the building? Did it all burn the same? Was it exactly constructed the same? You know, and then you got to try it again. I mean, you have to fucking have more than two buildings to go on. And everybody's like, buildings have never fallen before.

And look, the government does some nasty, evil shit. That is absolutely a fact. But you don't know. You don't know what happened there. And to say that you know is just as bad as people who blindly trust in the US government. The thing that I have a big question about when it comes to September 11th is Tower 7. And if you watch video online, there's video of Tower 7 falling and it falls just like a controlled demolition. I mean it just goes straight down, whoosh, all at once.

And it's really crazy to watch, man, you know, because, like, it implodes from the basement down, and every level falls apart, including, like, jets of energy, like, spraying out of windows like there's blasts. I mean, maybe that could be because it's collapsing. Yeah, I mean, that's a whole floor of air being pushed through the windows. Right, but the problem is it all falls at the exact same time and that building wasn't even hit by a plane.

It was on fire and it had a hole in it from like debris and stuff and I could see it falling down but there was a hole in one corner and the hole, if it's a hole there and the building's going to collapse, wouldn't it collapse towards the hole? I mean doesn't that make sense? Maybe. It also makes sense the whole standing on a pop can thing where if you stand on a pop can you knock a little bit off the side it's not you're not falling over you're going straight down because of the weight you know i mean it's so heavy even if there's a hole on it it doesn't matter it's just going straight down you know that's maybe maybe i i think with all that shit

i'm like yeah i'm glad there's people that freak out about it and care about it. Because without them, you know, the government's going to get away with a bunch of shit. But in my opinion, you know, I don't care. If the government did it, fuck, they did it. You know, I'm still waking up eating my cereal. Well, that is one thing you have to consider. I mean, it's like, how is this going to help you? How is this going to help you in your life?

I know. If you get obsessed with this. Yeah. Here's the bottom line. People that think the government wouldn't kill people, and nobody died in Tower 7, supposedly. I think it's so hard to believe. People who think the government would not kill people, this is all you need to know. For sure, they start wars that don't need to be started.

That's 100% fact. For sure, the Gulf of Tonkin incident that got us into the Vietnam War, that was a fake fucking attack on Americans. They faked it. And they faked it and made this big deal about it so that everybody would get fired up and realize we have to go to Vietnam. That's fact.

This is history. And the fact that they wrote up a thing called Operation Northwoods, the Northwoods document. And the Northwoods document was they were planning attacks on Americans. And they were going to, this is in 1962, and they were going, this is a sign by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, by the way, and vetoed by Kennedy. They were going to attack Guantanamo Bay. They were going to lob grenades and mortars into Guantanamo Bay and

possibly kill American soldiers. They were going to blow up a jetliner and blame it on the Cubans. And they were going to tell Americans, we have to go to war with Cuba. Well, people were going to fucking die in that war, for sure. And people are going to die in a war that Americans didn't want. And so they decided to do what's called a false flag and make attacks on Americans and blame it on the Cubans. And that's a fact. They're willing to kill people. And only 3,000 people died in September 11th. For sure, that's a lot of people. I'm people and only 3 000 people died in september 11th for sure that's a lot of people i'm not making light of it but in comparison to how many people have died in iraq during the fucking war they're talking about like a million civilians have died in iraq since the invasion a million i mean that's fucking crazy look at haiti i mean

millions of people died from that earthquake in haiti but we didn't have an HD video fucking, you know, seeing it. Yeah, but we're not responsible for that. No, I mean, that's a natural disaster. What I'm saying is that they're willing to kill people. Right, right. I think the reason why we're focused on it, though, is just because of that, that we all watched it live. Where if, you know, if we saw these people in Iraq get shot live on TV, it would probably be just as big as 9-11. Well, I don't know about that. I think the idea that it was an attack on American soil, that's really why it was such a big deal.

I remember how everybody got so patriotic after that. Do you remember after September 11th how everybody had fucking American flags in their car? Remember that weird feeling? You were in Ohio back then, right? Right. Did they have them in Ohio? Oh yeah, it was a crazy bag. I went to work one day. I don't even think I was doing Fear Factor at the time. I might have been. But I was driving down the street near my house and every fucking car had an American flag on it. It was crazy. And I was like, this is just weird. This is a weird feeling.

It's like people are bowling up. They're ready to just go to fucking war. And you don't realize how warlike this fucking culture really is and how sheep-like and how people are just immediately willing to fight. And fight who? The people who did it are dead. It was a suicide attack. So the people that were responsible for the deaths of those people are all dead.

I mean, unless you're one of those crazy motherfuckers that doesn't believe that it was a real plane. And then there's people that believe that they were piloted by remote control and the planes were empty. Who the fuck knows? Shit happened almost, what, is this 10 years? It's almost 10 years. People are still talking about it. Oh my God. It's so frustrating.

Talking to people who claim to know. That's when it's really frustrating. Man, it wasn't a plane that hit the Pentagon. It was a missile. Where's all the people that died in the fucking plane crash then? What, they took them? Why would they say it's a plane? Why would they shoot a missile and say it's a plane?

Why were there all the plane parts on the lawn? I mean, come on, man. We talked about this before. It's on this? Yeah. The plane part? Yeah, I think we actually laughed two weeks ago.

What's Fear Factor real? Nothing is real. Depends on how much acid you take. Joe Rogan hates Bruce Springsteen. That is so not true. It's not true? Are you just trying to get attention, motherfucker? No, I don't hate Bruce Springsteen.

Born to Run? That's a great fucking song. Brilliant Disguise? That's a great fucking song. Neverguise that's a great fucking song never got into Bruce Springsteen dude I don't love all Bruce Springsteen I'm not gonna sit through

a fucking three hour concert of anybody's yeah it would have to be like Richard Pryor would have to come back from the dead Pink Floyd

I might sit through three hours of Pink Floyd no I wouldn't I'd get bored they don't have three hours of good songs but I love some some of Bruce Springsteen's songs

you know some of them Springsteen's songs. Some of them are the fucking shit. No one is going to... I bought an old Rolling Stone album the other day because it had one song on it that I really liked. I forget what it was. But the rest of the album was dog shit. And that's the Rolling Stones. You think about how many great songs they have.

They have a lot of fucking albums. If you go back into some of those older albums and listen to some of those songs that you don't know, it's just shit. Nobody puts out something that everybody loves. It's very rare that I like a whole album from a band. Have you ever been to a real orgy with more than ten people having sex in the same room?

You walked in and you were like, what the fuck is going on here? A real orgy? Yeah, like a real one. No, I've never been to an orgy. Have you? No. It were like, what the fuck is going on here? An orgy? Yeah, like a real one. No, I've never been in an orgy. Have you? No, I just, it seems like all these people.

We were in Tampa. Remember we were in Tampa, Florida. Someone was trying to get us to go to a sex club. Right. Because a guy that had a swingers club. That happened again

with me and Ari in, I think it was Nashville. Me and Ari were in Nashville. We had this driver who drove us to the UFC, drove us to the comedy club. The same driver all week. And then finally, he's dropping us off at the airport. And he's like, as he's

dropping us off, he's like, well, if you guys are ever back in town, you know I have a fucking swingers club that I belong to. And me and my wife, I go, what? And he was, I go, swingers? Like, who? He goes, yeah, me and my wife, we're swingers. You're swingers. So you let dudes fuck your wife? He's like, well, you know, she lets me and I have to let her.

What? Well, we get to choose, though. We have veto power. That's what he said. We got veto power. Like, I go, so some dude, you feel like you can't follow him? Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. No big young studs.

Like, he gets to choose. Like, he wants, like, old, bald, fucking, you know, vacuum salesman banging his wife. That would be awful. He'd be in his wife's mouth. That would be so bad. I'm like, do you watch? He goes,

no, I don't want to watch. You don't want to watch. You don't want to watch. Your wife is getting fucking stuffed in another room. How crazy is that bitch? You know, how crazy is she?

You know, whenever I hear about chicks that want to fuck like a bunch of different dudes at the same time, like that is, there's something, I mean,

look, we're all wired differently and you know, I like hot sauce. You like hot sauce? You like spicy food? I like fucking really spicy food. I'll fuck myself up.

I'll put Dave's Insanity Sauce on burritos, and I'm sweating. Sweat is pouring on my face. My tongue is on fire. Now, to most people, they wouldn't like that, but I like that for some weird reason. Maybe some girls just like Bixin everywhere. Maybe they like it. Maybe it's just like they're and everywhere. Maybe they like it. Maybe it's just like they're just going crazy.

Maybe it's not. But maybe they're broken. It depends on the person. Some of them are for sure fucked up. There was this girl on the Howard Stern show today that got fucked so hard in the ass that it tore a hole in her intestines. Oh! No! And she sewed it back up. Oh no! She was talking about how she just the other day had two dicks in her intestines. Oh! No! And she sewed it back up.

Oh, no! And then she was talking about how she just the other day had two dicks in her ass. What? I'm like, wouldn't you, once your intestines rip open... Oh, my God. Who is this girl? She's in the new Jersey Shore porn. Jersey whore or something like that. Somebody knows.

You guys know. She was on Howard Stern today. Somebody knows. There's a bunch of you fucking perverts, goddammit. You people know who it is. I forget her name, Teresa or something like that. Whoever was listening to the Stern Show today and heard that, yeah, Mr. Hands.

That sounds just like Mr. Hands. But a regular dick doing that to you, that's even more impressive. The horse dick, you look at it and you go, how does it not kill you? The most amazing thing about that Mr. Hands thing, if you don't know what Mr. Hands is, it's a guy who got fucked to death by a horse. And there's a video of it online.

You can watch the guy getting fucked by the horse. But the amazing thing is... Taron Thomas. They did it. Taron Thomas. Beautiful. Thank you very much, Mighty Hubris, you fucking pervert. But the amazing thing about the horse fucking video is that apparently this guy had gotten fucked by a horse

a bunch of times and nothing happened. Like, he was okay. Like, how does that even happen? Mr. Hands is your 9-11. He is. Because you talk about that shit every day. I know. Is there a point where you're like,

man, I do talk about fucking horse fucking a lot more than I do. No. No, because it's a bit of my act now I know but now it's like part of my job you remember the shit the bofface I used to go behind you and always make the faces all the time well I found myself doing it on normal faces so like it would be my mom is like hey mama's take a photo and everybody yeah I got my oh I'm doing this all the time

now I have to stop so that's why I stopped in the boffins it was like something it was like in my head if you don't know what the boss is and this is a thing that went on For literally like five years every time I took a picture with someone like you know Someone came to a show and they want to take a picture with me every time Brian was behind them like this and there's we have to organize them and put them on it's on myspace a lot of them Are but yet? Many of them there's we're talking MySpace, but a lot of them aren't. But yeah, there's a million more. There's so many of them. There's a million more. We're talking about no bullshit, five years worth of

shows. Thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pictures all with Brian behind it making crazy fucking faces. I have a picture of me and David Lee Roth and you're behind it making a fucked up face. I think the last one I did or the one that made me realize I needed to stop doing it was the one I did to Brock Lesnar and I was so

drunk and the next day I'm like I did not do it with Brock Lesnar. How about the one that made me realize I need to stop doing it was the one I did to Brock Lesnar. And I was so drunk. And the next day I'm like, I did not do it with Brock Lesnar. How about the one you did with Dane Cook, man? Oh yeah, and I did Dane Cook. That's funny. But no, the Brock Lesnar one, I was like, I need to stop.

He could easily kick my ass right then and there. Oh my God, I don't have that picture. You've got to send that to me. I'm going to put this up on Twitter right now. Holy shit, that's awesome. Send it to Flickr. Send it to Flickr. I'm going to do it right now. Wow, I've never seen that photo before. Yeah, I'm gonna put this up on Twitter right now holy shit that's awesome send it to Flickr send it to Flickr I'm gonna do it right now because

wow I've never seen that photo before yeah I'll put that shit up on put it on Flickr okay do whatever I can't believe

I boffaced David Lee Roth yeah you did dude dude I can't wait to well no I shouldn't say this but I can't wait to one day where

David Lee Roth won't be around maybe. What? So we can release that video. Or he won't be. We have this video of us all hanging out with David Lee Rock. Dude, don't even talk about that. No, no, I don't mean die.

I mean, like, he doesn't care. Don't even say about it right now because he told us not to talk about it. Oh, all right. I mean, he doesn't want that video coming out, so the last thing we should do is talk about what's on that video, man. No, no, I was just going to say, we all sat around and talked. Yes. But how we loved it. Bullshit, man.

You were saying you can't wait until he dies so you can release it. No, no, no, no. Just so we can show it to people. Because it was so awesome. It was awesome there, right? Yes. It was just cool talking to him. Right.

It was basically just David Lee Roth talking about crazy road stories. I mean, it was nothing scandalous. No. It was just, I mean, it's fucking David Lee Roth, you know? It's just weird hanging out with somebody that you grew up as a kid listening to, buying his albums at Gold Circle. Yeah, it's amazing. Hanging out with David Lee Roth was the shit.

All right, hold on. I'm going to choose the photo. I'm going to put that shit online so you guys can see. Shit. Alright, hold on, I'm gonna choose the photo. I'm gonna put that shit online so you guys can see. But this picture of Brian going nutty behind David Lee Roth is just indicative of one of fucking... You probably have,