The Joe Rogan Experience - #9 - Brian Redban (Part 2)

Episode Date: February 24, 2010

Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

We're back. It was a mess, ladies and gentlemen. We tried to come back online. I was trying to put up an image of me and David Lee Roth and what the fuck ever. Firefox crashed on me. to show you the the Bob face we're all back right everything's good I'm gonna try to unload it through here flickr also has a nice desktop loader you should download sometime oh you just drag it to it oh really yeah okay I'll get that shit. Shit. Put the picture up right now. I think today is the last day of Firefox. Firefox can suck it. It's gotten bad lately. I've noticed Chrome's been really good.

Yeah, I've been crashing a fucking lot with Firefox. Like, a lot. Yeah, I stopped using it. Yeah, okay. We're back, ladies and gentlemen. I apologize. I apologize. And it's saved,

though. So if you are just coming in now, the first hour and a half is already saved. Oh, that's annoying, right? It's better if I have

a white thing on my screen because it acts as a light. Look. Oh, look, there's a light on. But it's not a light.

It's just a little window I opened. I'm so clever. I'll make it so I can read your shit, though. You know, if you've got a light behind your monitor, it actually eases your eyes and puts less strain on your eyes. Listen to you, Dr. Phil. Dr. Oz. Dr. Oz is a real doctor, right, Dr. Phil?

Yeah. Firefox does blow. You. Dr. Oz. Dr. Oz is a real doctor, right? Dr. Phil? Yeah. Firefox does blow. You're right. We're using Safari right now. All you fucking silly cunts. All these fucking Mac guys. Get a PC. That Mac garbage.

Oh, it's the same guy over and over again. Enrico Fan 2009. You are dumb. Okay, you're dumb. You're a dumb person. This whole Mac versus PC thing. What do you give a fuck? And you're telling me that PCs are somehow or another better than Macs?

Guess what, douchebag? PCs get viruses. Macs don't. It's that viruses. They've written viruses. You bring me one dude who's ever had a virus on his fucking Mac. One. I know everyone I know who's had a PC except Voodoo Chicken. He claims to have never gotten a virus. That's a lie.

I think that's a lie. Everybody gets viruses on PCs. Just that alone it's better to get a Mac. Second of all Macs don't fucking crash nearly as much. This wasn't a Mac problem. This was a Firefox problem. Everything else on the computer worked fine. That's why I was able to reboot. Faggot! Listen, stop worrying about Mac versus PC. It's just a goddamn operating system.

It's like the Republicans versus the Democrats. Most of the people on one side or the other are just on a fucking team, and their simple little brains are stuck on that team. They might not even agree with half the shit the Republicans say, but they support them and even say, well, we got to support our team. You know, I don't agree with what they're doing right now, but what's important is we support them and we, you know, push forward and we get a Republican in office in 2012. They're just the Washington Redskins versus the fucking Miami Dolphins.

That's all that shit is. It's teams. It's just like Boston versus Philly. Philly sucks. Boston rules. That's the same moronic bullshit. There is no fucking Philly. There is no Boston. It's nonsense. You're a dummy. Shut the fuck up.

How dare you. Where was I? Anyway. Did you upload that photo? Of course I did. It's not on there. How dare you. Oh! I swear to God I pressed that thing they all said thing with the thing how quick it is though so beautiful they just told me that they're upgrading my download speed to like 30 megs my Jesus like thanks I don't even have 20 I have like I think 16 or 18. 18 it said. Last time it said 18.

All right, I got the picture of David Lee Roth. Do, do, do, do. That's great. Motherfucker. That's hilarious. All right, this is what caused all the fucking trouble, ladies and gentlemen. A goddamn picture of me and David Lee Roth. But it was just to prove that Brian has been making this crazy bop face for years.

Because this picture of David Lee Roth was like, what was it, like from 2005? It was like three or four years ago. It was before we got banned from the comedy, or that whole comedy store thing. Yeah, because it was at the comedy store. All right. So that's 2006 maybe. It's right before he got together with

back together with Van Halen before they announced that they were going to get back together. He was telling us about it there though. Yeah.

All right. I just put it on my little Twitter. And then you see Brian in the background making that crazy face. He did that. No bullshit. Fucking hundreds of thousands of times. That was a long odyssey just to get one picture put up.

I know. It really wasn't worth it. Epic fail. Indeed. Indeed. Epic fail. Always talking about that Anoky fan. That fella.

Try out chat roulette. You know what? I would think about doing that, but I don't want to see any dudes' cocks randomly. I did it. I tried it out. I put... I found this... Somebody already did this before, but I found this big black chick, and I put her on loop,

and then... Oh, don't know. big black chick and i put her on loop and then uh did it just this and recorded the screen and stuff but it was like maybe 90 percent cocks you know i was like yeah this is not even funny i don't i mean it's really sad that there's so many creepy people out there come on well you know what it's dudes that want to show their dicks at work and they just never get the opportunity but they get it home and they're wearing a fucking wrestling mask and they go crazy and pull their dick out and it's just suppression man it's like catholic school girls remember catholic school girls when you were a kid they were always the biggest sluts right yeah yeah why because they never seen the dick they're they're whisked away

to some fucking magical place where only girls exist they have all girl teachers and shit and they're told that dicks are evil and they just can't wait to suck one they can't wait, those bitches can't wait they can't wait to get a dick in their mouth they just want to do that forbidden thing you know, you can't suppress human beings man I would like to do it with maybe like a 5 year old girl on loop just sitting there going like this

you know, like that and see if any of these guys with the dicks, if they put it away or if they sit there they would fucking love it we can record them and put them on YouTube that's not a bad idea dicks if they put it away or if they sit there. No, they would fucking love it. You think? Well, we could record them and put them on YouTube.

Hmm. That's not a bad idea. If we get a fake loop of a girl. Just a girl. This little kid just sitting there going like she's looking at the monitor

and see if the guy immediately disconnects or if he sits there an extra couple seconds. Do they... Well, how does it work? Do they pull their dicks out immediately as soon as you log in?

Yeah, what it is is it just automatically puts you in with a room with another person both on webcam. And do they have their dick out instantly? When I was doing it, it was just guys stroking it. So right when you went in there, you're like, ugh. Okay, so that's what you should do. We should get a video of like a five or six-year-old girl just freaking the fuck out from the beginning. Right.

So it would only work on the guys fuck out from the beginning. Right. So it would only work on the guys that were already beaten off. Right. Because otherwise we'd have to time it, like, you know, time it like normally

and then going, oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and have her scream, call the police, call the police. But we didn't even have to do it.

We just had the girl going, you know, like kind of like, no, better, better just call the police. Let's freak this motherfucker out. You know? Yeah, because they can catch you.

The freaky weird dudes are mostly straight. Gay get sex all the time. We are less repressed. Yeah, right. Shut the fuck up. Let me tell you something. Everyone's fucked up. Don't you tell me that gays are less repressed.

Of course you're more repressed. Society represses gay sex. Gays are just as fucked up as religion repressing straight sex. And a lot of gays grew up in religious households too, and that makes them extra fucked up. It's not like a coincidence that gay people do so much crystal meth, and there's so many gay people that love to party, and their lives become a wreck, and they fucking torch their immune system.

Gay people, there's a lot of crazy fucking gay people. And not repressed doesn't always mean that you're not fucked up. I mean, how about bug chasers? How about gay dudes that are purposely trying to get AIDS? You know that? Gay dudes who purposely try to get HIV. They want to get it. They think there's something

hot about it and so they go and have unprotected sex on purpose hoping to get HIV that's fucked up you know you can't say that gay people are less fucked up sexually than straight people everyone's fucked humans across the board universally are fucked up it's just way too difficult to come out and have your shit together. I mean, how many people really have their shit together? If you had to guess the numbers. I don't think anyone really has their shit together. No, but I mean, have your shit together to a point where,

you know, like, oh, he's not doing anything. Self-destructive, he's being productive and positive. It's like, maybe one out of a hundred, man. Maybe, out of the people that you meet, one out of a hundred. The other 99 are nuts. You know, half nuts, partially nuts. You're nuts. I'm nuts. We're both nuts. You know what I mean? How many, I mean, even the Dalai Lama's fucking nuts. You know what the Dalai Lama said? He called, uh, he said that oral and anal sex were, were, um, I forget, I forget the exact word, terms he used, sexual, uh Sexual deviations or something like that.

But he was saying, I forget the term that the Dalai Lama used, but basically he was saying that oral sex is really bad. It's terrible for you. You shouldn't do it. Like, you shouldn't eat pussy. Girls love it. It feels good. And I like doing it, right?

You like doing it? Yeah, we've talked about this. But there's actually science now saying that it can cause cancer in the person that's eating out the girl now or something like that. What are you fucking talking about? Remember we talked about this once.

Science? No, we never talked about eating pussy gives you cancer. Yeah, we made a video. We made a video about it where I talked about eating pussy and we were talking about it in that video. Yeah, but we didn't say

eating pussy gives you cancer. Yeah, it was something that came out. You were talking about how you like to lock on to it like a slug. I know, but that's how we started talking about it in that video. Yeah, but we didn't say eating pussy gives you cancer. Yeah, it was something that came out. You were talking about how you like to lock on to it like a slug. I know, but that's how we started talking about it. Remember that? I don't remember eating pussy gives you cancer, dude. I think you might have just made that up. No.

Oral sex. Please, Twitterverse, tell me, sweet Jesus. Please, please, please tell me that you don't get cancer from eating pussy. There was some kind of study that oral sex increases throat cancer risk. Serial scientists say. No, that's for girls because dudes who have fucking dick warts shove their dick into a girl's mouth and the girl's mouth gets infected. Like if you have the human papillomavirus.

Yeah, but that goes both ways. Girls and guys can both get the HPV virus. From eating pussy? Yeah. It's even worse for chicks because you're mixing up with fucking blood in their, you know, you might get a clot back there in the corner that gets inside an open sore in your mouth. That does sort of make sense, you know. Girl sex can cause throat cancer.

March 9th, 2007. Man. Kind of sucks though Because that's my favorite thing to do So I moved on to the ass It's just Fuck son What's wrong with you boy What time we got here

4.43 but we were down for 10 minutes So Who's this one dummy That keeps saying time we got here? 4.43, but we were down for 10 minutes. Who's this one dummy that keeps saying, have I ever shit my pants? There's something wrong with you as a human being if you keep asking the same stupid fucking question over and over and over again.

It's the same dude every week. That's what's interesting to you. That's what's interesting to you. All right, let's go to... We're going to go to forums.joerogan.net and see what the questions are. We put up a thread like we do every week where... I let people ask questions and shit.

Dallas this weekend, Addison Improv, three nights, almost sold out. That's right, bitches. Friday, Saturday. It is almost sold out. Late show Saturday night is sold out. There's only 40 or 50 tickets left for both shows, Friday and Saturday, or both shows on Friday and the first show on Saturday. So it's selling out quick.

So if you want to come to Dallas, by the time we get on the radio, when we get on the radio, it's going to sell out quick. We're going to do Lex and Terry and a couple other radio stations. So that's, you know, if you want to jump on it, you've got to jump on it now. When are you going to get your tattoo done? The new one? Yeah. It's going to start in April. I'm getting another sleeve.

I just thought of what I want to get covered up on mine. Yeah, what are you going to get? I'm going to get the cat on top of that. What cat? Your crazy explosion cat? What? The cat with the window? Well, I'm going to go and get this lasered off.

You want to go with me? Yeah. Lasered? Yeah, this one. The old one I have up here because I'm doing the whole sleeve. Ew. Yeah, but just. Does he do laser there?

No, you have to go to a clinic that does it. And it hurts like a motherfucker. But I'll do it. It hurts more than a tattoo. Let's see. Let's see. Don't be a pussy. Did I ever tell them how I found out about my tattoo?

No, tell that story. Show the tattoo first. Tell the whole story. Okay, so when I was younger, I was a manager of a movie theater. One of my employees wanted to be a tattoo artist. While he tells the story, I'm going to pee. One of my employees wanted to be a tattoo artist, and her boyfriend owned a tattoo studio. So the whole time, she's like,

he's teaching me every day how to do tattoos. And I do it on like watermelons or something like that to practice. And she's been doing it forever. And finally, one day, she's like, you know what, I'm gonna start doing tattoos now. So if you know anyone that needs a tattoo, and she's like, I'll hook them up. And I go, wow, how much are you charging? And she's like, for you, I'll, you know, I'll do it for free or something like that. Because you'll be my first person to ever do it. So I'm like thinking, free tattoo? That's awesome. So I went there. It took her eight hours or something ridiculous to do this tattoo.

And it originally was supposed to be an Egyptian turtle with my name in Chinese or the letter R Chinese, in the middle of the turtle in Chinese. It was something stupid. I was really stoned or whatever. And it hurt so bad, she did nothing but scar me. So I have tons of scar tissue. And it's like the gayest looking tattoo. It looks like Spider-Man was in a gang fight or something like that. Anyways, so anyways. So one time I'm at this bar, and this Chinese girl goes,

let me see your tattoo. And she goes, why do you have that on your arm? Did she really talk like that? It was worse than that. She had a cock in her mouth. But she looked at it, and she goes, let me see that. And she goes, why do you have that on your arm? I'm like, what are you talking about?

That's an R in Chinese, my last name, blah, blah, blah blah blah she goes that's not an r she's that's like flowing water that's like a waterfall do you like waterfalls so i guess my tattoo means water from you see it again so gay anyways i was thinking about getting the getting the the you know how those uh cats in chinese restaurants yeah they have a clock that could be like the clock dude cats in chinese restaurants yeah they have a clock that could be like the clock dude get me i'll have aaron della vadova from guru tattoo we'll do it together that'd be awesome all right or we have someone else guru they have like seven fucking killer artists he can recommend somebody we'll have him draw it honky-konk we're going i got my tattoo done at guru tattoo in san diego they rule and they're awesome killer artists my god the guy that did me, is Aaron De La Vadova. And he only does big, giant pieces. He did my whole sleeve.

50 hours. We went down there, I think, seven times, right? And that's going to be the same with the right guy. We used to do this there. Remember that? We're going to do this there, too. Remember that? We're going to do it again, yeah.

So we're going to do Brian's. We'll find you a good artist there, man. He's got a whole killer staff of killer artists. I wonder if Honky Kong's still there, because I wear his shirt every day. I bet he is. I bet he is. We can find out, man. When does Red Band start stripping? Oh, it's Edward Cat Flappo.

Hi, Flappo! It's probably not him, though. Hello Kitty is worse than Waterfalls. It's not the Hello Kitty, man. How dare you, bro? Hello Kitty? It's waterfalls. It's not the Hello Kitty, man. How dare you, bro? Hello Kitty? It's the good luck hat. I didn't take a bump. I peed.

I've never done a bump in my life. It's one of the few drugs that I've never done. There's a bunch of them that I've never done. I've never done anything addictive. There's Honky Kong in there. You ever find them? Artists. They got a bunch of killer artists, man.

That place is awesome. It is awesome. It's in Pacific Beach down in San Diego. I heard some Canadian still works there. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. I think that guy lost his marbles.

Anyway, what the fuck were we talking about? Tattoos. No. Doing cocaine in the bathroom. Oh, I've never done any coke. I've never done coke any.

Ever. Because when I was in high school, my friend Jimmy, his cousin, was selling coke. I shouldn't even have said my friend who. I'll let you fucking guess. his cousin was selling coke should even said my friend who let you fucking guess

but uh he was uh selling it and um when he was uh doing that he lost all this weight and he fucking he would like hide in the basement or in the attic rather and just they would do coke and watch tv and him and his girlfriend were just zombies and i saw his whole life fall apart like i watched it happen and i remember like saying that fucking stuff's bad for you i just remember nothing but bad things from high school and and you know right after high school of people and coke just like it just was very obvious to me that coke was like the worst thing you could do care to nitrous no oh like from whippets yeah i did it once once when i worked at an ice cream place.

I didn't like it. It just gave me a headache. We used to go... I've done MDMA. Some guy asked me if I've done it. I did ecstasy once. Only one time. And it was awesome.

But the next day was so bad. The next day, I was so stupid. My brain was like... It felt like a sponge that had been just wrung out dry and then just left in the sun you know and then you try to like clean something with it it was just like it was so my brain was so dumb it just i i was feeling so bad the next day i was like this cannot be good for you it's got to be fucking terrible for you. Who knows what it was in it, though. It might not have just been MDMA, pure MDMA.

It might have been like, they say that people cut it with speed and shit like that. But anyway, yeah, I couldn't read the next day. That guy, Rem Shoe Gallery, yeah, I couldn't read the next day, man. Literally, I was sitting in

a Starbucks and I was trying to read a magazine and I was like, I can't read the next day, man. Literally, I was sitting in a Starbucks, and I was trying to read a magazine, and I was like, I can't even fucking concentrate on this. I literally couldn't focus. It was bad. It was a fucking great time, though, that night. I can understand why people do it, and I guess if you're not a big reader, and you don't mind feeling stupid, the next day wouldn't be a problem. But for me, man, I've talked to people who say the next day they feel fine. It just depends me man i've talked to people say this you know

the next day they feel fine it just depends how much like strychnine's in it and stuff like that have you ever candy flipped where it's a piece of candy and has ecstasy on one side and acid on the other side i've heard that's crazy though it's a great combo yeah yeah but i heard it's like whenever you combine things like that the recovery time is just accelerated oh yeah even more time i won't do it nowadays so what else what's the best weed the best weed is the weed that you got bitch you know if you have the options see the beautiful thing about california is this um there that guy's fucking great go with that guy man that's the perfect style look at his style yeah I could totally see that guy doing it Adam Hawthorne I think the thing that's cool about California is

the fact that you get to go these places and experiment with all these different strains what Joey Diaz mixes it up every day. He thinks that's, ooh, that shit is badass. What is that right there? Joey Diaz thinks that, let's see what this guy's tiger looks like. Ooh. Joey Diaz thinks that he should mix your weed up every day. We're on gurutattoo.com.

G-U-R-U tattoo. Joey says that if you smoke the same weed every day, you get used to it. But if you mix up strains every day, every day it's like like boom boom so joey buys like a little bit of weed every day it's like a ritual if you smoke weed every day you get used to it i mean i have to take good three days off nowadays but joey smokes weed every day i try not to joey smokes weed every day joey ain't taking no days off yeah you know when you go like we're on the road, and, like, we pass by Joey's hotel room. Like, we're all staying in the same hotel.

When you go to get Joey, his room stinks of weed. I mean, fucking stinks. Every day it stinks of weed. He always knows the right guy in every town to get him weed, you know, and he always gets it. Joey's an everyday weed guy. I don't smoke weed every day. I like to take days off. I think it's better.

I don't like being completely obliterated every day. I don't think that shit's healthy. Alright, let's go to the questions on the message board. Oh, your Charlotte, North Carolina date changed. It changed? Or the venue changed. It did? Yeah.

What is it? Now it's Amos South End? Hmm. Amos South End. Okay. Whatever. We're there for a

UFC. So the way it always works is whenever i'm in town for a ufc i always do a gig the day before so let's go to the message board i did a gig in sydney had a great fucking time australian people are the shit that show was fun man but the show was could could have been better because i got too drunk the night before oh we got too drunk my brain. My brain was, first of all, I was fucked up because I could not sleep. Because you're 19 hours ahead when you go to Australia, so your body doesn't know what time it was. I'd be exhausted. I'd go to sleep. Three hours later, I'd wake up.

And I didn't know what, I thought I was taking a nap. Like, my body had no idea. I could not sleep for like eight hours in a session. I couldn't do it. So I'd sleep like three hours. I'd get up. I'd try to read. I'd beat off. I'd try to read. I'd beat off.

I'd try to go back to sleep again. I'd sleep for another hour. And I'd wake up again. Like, it was so confusing, man. But Friday night when we got there, it was me and Eddie and who else? Tom Segura. Tom Segura.

Me and Eddie and Tom Segura, we went to a bar and got fucking blitzkrieg. We just pulled up to the bar. We set up shop right by the bar at this club and just started buying people drinks. Just went nutty. I must have bought a hundred fucking drinks. Really? Just pointing at people.

Was drinks cheaper or more expensive? No, I don't know. The dollar? It was all the same. It's very close. What's the dollar like? It's like 92 to our dollar. It's worth 92 cents. Or it might be the opposite. It's like 92 to our dollar. It's worth 92 cents.

Or it might be the opposite. It's probably the opposite. Ours might be worth 92 cents. I'm not sure which one. But people were so cool. You see any kangaroos anywhere? Yeah, we did at the zoo. They were depressed kangaroos just laying around like this.

Like, motherfucker. That's what we were talking about earlier. We were talking about the killer whale that killed people. Yeah, zoos bum me the fuck out, man. I would like to see a kangaroo in the wild but they're dangerous. They'll fuck you up.

Was there anything in Australia that was just completely insane? Like, their bathrooms have weird purple lights in them. It's like, you know how you grow up? We were talking about this,

me and Eddie and Tom, about how, you know, when you grow up, you're taught that everything sucks except America. Right. All these other countries suck.

They're all the same. Australia is the shit. Yeah. I's beautiful it's clean really nice houses everywhere the restaurants were great the people were friendly you know the economy's not completely fucked you're driving on the left side of the road which is weird but other than that you get used to that what's the difference you know it's just what you're used to. But other than that, it's fucking phenomenal. I mean, other than that, what a great country, man. I mean, it's amazing. And comics, like my friend Eddie Ift, he's huge over there.

Huge. Guy sells out all over the place. Does TV shows. People come to see him. He told me they write about him in the paper when he's at a bar. But in America, you can't fucking get traction for whatever reason. There was an awesome UFC.

Yeah, it was a great UFC. Arj Barker's gigantic in Australia. Fucking monstrous. He sold out some place, supposedly it was like a 1,500 seat place, sold it out something like 20-something nights in a row. I mean, it's just craziness.

They love American comedians over there, so the show was fucking fantastic. I had a great time. A few people walked out, but's just craziness. They love American comedians over there. So the show was fucking fantastic. I had a great time. A few people walked out, but that's going to happen. And if you don't know what you're getting into, you know, I always try to tell people that if there was a big sign in the front of the show that said warning, the show will contain language and material as extreme as you could possibly imagine but apparently some of the shit i said people couldn't imagine so they didn't know what to expect but um sorry you got bombed

out but 99 of the people had a great fucking time but yeah it was pretty wild crazy show but also it was because we were hammered that night too. So two nights in a row we got barbecued. So I was planning on going to Australia and doing all this writing. But alcohol just sticks a fork in all those plans, you know? You said that when you flew to Australia, it was like 17 hours. Was the flight really, did it really feel like 17 hours? Was it the point where you were just like, fuck this, I need to jump off this plane, this is too much? No. No?

No, I never felt that. You know, you just, my cats are fighting. You know, you just, you read, you watch a fucking movie, you get on your laptop. I was, you know, going over some material on the way over there. The real problem was, once I got there, I thought I was going to write, but it was just all, it was all get drunk, recover from the drunk, drink a lot of water, get drunk again, recover.

You had like small little bedrooms almost on the plane, drink a lot of water, get drunk again, recover. You had small little bedrooms almost on the plane, right? The plane was dope. We flew first class on Qantas and I think it's called the A310 or something like that. Giant ass fucking plane. They're huge, man. It's like a little apartment, man. Was coach

like, I don't know, futons? Coach is just fucking coach man Business class is pretty dope Business class is just as good as first class Wow Pretty close to it but coach fuck you they say That sucks

Yeah go on I'd been like hey let me hang out in your bedroom up here I can't imagine flying 16 hours in one of these ass chairs Fuck that Jammed next to Ralphie May on one side and Kevin Smith on the other. Both after they ran a marathon. I can't believe that somebody kicked Kevin Smith off a fucking plane. It's so stupid.

How dumb are you? It's so stupid. Do you not know who he is? I guess a lot of people don't know who he is, the way he looks. They don't know that that's that famous director. You might want to shut the fuck up. That guy's on Twitter all day every day

he probably ruined Southwest that cost them money for sure don't you think? well part of me thinks so but then the other part of me is like they just got

so much attention you know for being cunts? especially if you hate fat people you'd be like fuck yeah I'm going to Southwest all the way

but they lost the fat dollar I bet there's a lot of fat people that got bummed out. How does Ralphie May fly Southwest? Dude, you know how much money that probably saved them? All these pissed off fat people that aren't flying Southwest now just saved them. There's already studies that they were thinking. This is ridiculous.

They were thinking about making you take a shit before you flew because they found out that if they made everyone go to the bathroom before they got on the airplane, that they would save so many dollars per year. This was a real study that they were going to do. This was Southwest? This wasn't Southwest. This was American Airlines or something like that.

Oh, my God. So can you imagine now that they have all these fat people pissed off that we're not going to fly Southwest. They're probably earning $5 million a year. I wonder how much it costs them more to fly fuel-, to Australia for a fat guy than for a small guy. Oh, I'm sure it's big enough times 100 than you would imagine. My God. You know? Huh.

Yeah, that kind of makes sense. Maybe Southwest paid Kevin Smith and this is all just to save them a couple million a year. Kevin Smith would never do that. He's like, the fat people will be pissed. Kevin Smith has integrity. I met him. He year. Kevin Smith would never do that. He's like, the fat people be pissed. Kevin Smith has integrity. I met him. He was cool. He wouldn't do that.

Yeah. He is really cool. He's a very nice guy. Yeah, I met him when I came in to do K-Rock once. K-Rock Q in LA. Very fun radio.

The last of the terrestrial radio stations in LA. Fucking radio in LA has vanished. I wanted to do radio for a long time. I was thinking about doing it. You know, I was thinking, what a cool thing that would be. Like,

we have some interesting conversations. You take callers, talk to people online and shit. You know, but it just died. When they had that 97.1, you know, FM talk,

I was like, how cool would that be? Let's get a fucking radio gig. You know, let's do... Well, you were going to do it in Denver before you moved back. Yeah, I was thinking about doing it in Denver. I was like, how cool would that be? Let's get a, let's get a fucking radio gig. You know, let's do, well, you were going to do it in Denver. Yeah.

Yeah. I was thinking about doing it in Denver. I was thinking, when are you going back to Denver? People keep on asking me that. Well, this UFC in March, but I haven't gotten a venue to do standup app.

So I might just go back and no, no, no standup. Just have fun. Just do the UFC. I want to go back and check out my house and see if I can find a fucking mountain lion that ate my dog

what if you came there and your dog was sitting on the front porch he's been living off the land and he's this big butch lassie looking dog now he's a little dog

he got jacked believe me he was gone for weeks there's no way your dog does not appreciate black peoples peoples well if dogs aren't around black people and then also they see a black person they're like what the fuck why is he that color what's

going on can dogs see color maybe they just see darkness don't dogs see in black and white maybe you think it's a dude with a mask on okay ladies and gentlemen let's go to Conan O'Brien has a new look oh with the beard you know what he's got 35 million

in the bank now just kicking it you know today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial somebody help me. Conan O'Brien now has a Twitter, by the way.

It's Conan O'Brien. I love the whole Conan story. It just shows you how retarded networks are. And first of all, they should have never changed shit. What they should have done, I appreciate that Jimmy Fallon, people enjoy Jimmy Fallon's show, but you know

what? Put that on after Conan O'Brien. You know, go back to the way you had it. Don't be stupid. You want to go Jay Leno Tonight Show, while you want to go Middle America and throw softballs and not offend anybody, and then keep the Conan O'Brien show where it was

because with Conan's on, he can do you know, all that craziness, the fucking insult dog, masturbating. But you can do it late at night because you're allowed to do more crazy shit late at night. You know, what's his face? Remember when we were talking to Norm MacDonald outside the Ice House? He had the best point. Norm MacDonald goes, he goes, what fucking difference does it make what time he's on anyway? Nobody watches it.

You watch it on your fucking DVR or you see it on see it on youtube who cares we're gonna 11 30 or 12 30 it's 12 30 is better you can get away with more shit he was totally right i like how he's saying all this but yeah his phone was from 1982 so i was like you don't have it on the fact that he had a phone at all when i when i ran into him i ran into norm mcdonald once when i was doing some canadian gigs like uh a couple of years ago and when i ran into him he didn't have MacDonald once when I was doing some Canadian gigs like a couple of years ago and when I ran into him he didn't have a cell phone I had to call his home phone

that's right he didn't have a fucking cell phone he didn't have one he goes I don't want people to just be able to get in touch with me sometimes I just want

to fuck off and disappear I love that dude yeah he's hilarious man he's uh Norm MacDonald hosting a talk show would be the shit. Yeah. I would tune into that talk show because he wouldn't let people get away with anything.

He's nuts. He's a loose dude. He's wild. He would be a good couch guy for Conan. Because have you ever seen him on the couch with, like, I forget who it was. The whole time he was, like, cracking jokes. Yeah. That was awesome.

Yeah, he would be a good side guy. And you have a straight guy, and then he's the side guy. What is my take on the weed stores in LA getting raided? It fucking sucks. The whole thing makes me sick. The whole thing is so, so strange, man. It's so strange that they're still fucking with people. Apparently, the way the law is presented, though, in California, and I'm not sure of this,

is that they believe that the way the law is presented is that you can give weed away and you can sell it as long as you're not making a profit. And that these collectives are supposed to be to provide medical patients with marijuana. But apparently there's people out there that are flaunting the wealth. And they're making a fuckload of money off of it. Millions and millions of dollars off selling weed. Now, if that's the case, there's two parts of me. One part of me that says, well, you know what?

Fuck you. They should be able to sell it, you guys are douchebags. But another part of me says, hmm, maybe it would be better, maybe it would be really in the spirit of weed if it was free. Maybe it really would be in the spirit of weed that it isn't, that there isn't for profit. You know, people go, well man, these stores couldn't exist and they couldn't sell it. Yeah, but weed's not that hard to grow, man.

People would still grow and sell weed. And, you know, people would sell it illegally. I mean, there would be plenty of people that would, you know, if you want good weed, you've got to talk to this guy and it's expensive. But I kind of like the idea of it not being for profit. There's something about it that bugs me, that people are overcharging for this plant just because it's illegal. I mean, it's fucking, some places it's super expensive, you know,

$500, $600 an ounce for like really powerful, potent weed, you know, which I understand the guy should get paid for his growing and this and that. And I totally respect that. You should be able to make a certain amount of money for it. But if it was legal, it would be way fucking cheaper than it is right now. The reality is the reason why it's expensive at all, the reason why these guys can make millions of dollars in profit off of selling weed is only because it's illegal and difficult to get and you have to get it from these places.

If marijuana was legal and you could grow your own, which is how it should be, you would have no need to buy it. You could have a little fucking plant in your backyard or in your closet. It pretty much already is like that. But it's not. This guy got fucking arrested. It's not. This guy just got arrested. This guy just got arrested with 24 different counts. And they're going to

charge him. And the way it works apparently is what Obama has said is that they're not going to charge people who are only violating federal law. Because federally it's illegal. They're going to go after people who are going to violate both federal and state laws. So you have to follow the state law to the letter. And they're making an example out of this one dude, apparently.

Well, I mean, if you go and get a license, you're allowed to grow, what, seven plants or something like that? Yeah, you're allowed to grow a lot. You're allowed to have like a half a pound of weed. Yeah, and you could even get the other license that you can do up to like 21 plants yes i got that yeah you have that for some weird reason anyway they asked me if i i needed an exemption and i said what what's in the exemption for he goes well you know the regular amount of weed is not enough i'm oh yes the regular amount is not enough i need more so you could pretty much anyone anyone can get that. Even kids could probably get this shit.

But they can get that license. So if you just grow within your amount, you could pretty much do that now. And even if the cops came over to your house. Right. But it could be people that don't have the room to grow. They don't want to be hassled. And they want to be able to go out and purchase it at a reasonable rate. And I agree, there is a reasonable rate.

But right now, the rate is so high that marijuana is worth more than gold. Marijuana is worth more per pound than gold is. That seems a little crazy. You know, I mean, it's definitely inflated because of the fact that there's no competition because of the fact that it's illegal and it's a fucking plant. It should be legal. Everybody should be able to grow it. And if it was legal, there would be nobody making millions and millions of dollars off it. The real problem is it would fuck the economy up because pharmaceutical companies would just fucking nosedive. There would be so many different pharmaceutical products that would be useless. I believe that to a point.

But right now, I have wheat whenever I want to have wheat. But I still have Tums for my stomach. I still have aspirin for headaches. They didn't replace any of that. Right, but you don't have fucking glaucoma, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of different medications for ADD. Those are the billion-dollar medicines.

It's not Tums, bro. But you know what, though? It's prescription pharmaceuticals. Most of these people that are saying that it's the best drug for glaucoma and stuff are just hippies wanting weed to be legal. No. Because if you look at the medication for glaucoma in comparison, I bet you it's better than weed. No, it's not.

You don't think? No, marijuana is the best for interocular pressure. I believe that's what it's called. Glaucoma apparently is very painful for people. And marijuana apparently is the best at relieving that. It's the best at restoring people's appetite when they have chemotherapy. That's why cancer patients like it.

It's the best at... It's the best at a lot of different things, dude. There's people that have had kids that have autism. There's a video that we showed, and we played that clip. The kid that had autism, and it was the only thing that calmed the kid down, made him normal, was weed.

You know, it's great for a lot of different things. And all those different things are prescription drugs that are worth fucking billions of dollars every year to pharmaceutical companies, which is why they lobby against recreational drugs, so-called recreational drugs. It's just why, to this day, Partnership for a Drug-Free America, to this day, gets money from pharmaceutical companies. They got money from alcohol companies and tobacco companies, millions and millions of dollars in the past. And because of that, there was a lot of criticism. So they no longer get money from alcohol and tobacco companies, but they still get money from fucking pharmaceutical companies. And pharmaceutical

companies are responsible for oxycodone, Vicodin, Percocet, all that shit. I still don't think it's going to be like, if they made it legal, like all these companies are going to go out of business. I know my mom's not going to be smoking weed. She's going to be like if they made it legal like all these companies are going to go out of business i know my mom's not going to be smoking weed she's gonna be like no i'll take the other thing well some people would be dumb enough for a few generations yeah they would be dumb enough there's just people that weed just doesn't work with and that's like 50 60 is that's never going to change for the things that we've talked about it's not 50 or 60 percent well weed is a real effective medicine for a bunch of different things. But more importantly, it would be great for textiles. It would be great for...

You could eat it. I mean, it has all the essential fatty acids in the seeds. You know, amino acids. There's a lot of different fucking things that marijuana's good for besides just getting you high. It's incredible that it's illegal. It's really mind-blowing that it's illegal. In 2010, with the access to information that we have today, the fact that it's illegal it's really mind-blowing that it's illegal that in 2010 with the access to information that we have today

the fact that it's still illegal that's fucking insane man as you stream laggy yeah you streams always lagging man anything on the Internet's laggy nothing works perfect this fucking the Internet is in a it's in a stage right now. It's not done yet. The IRS plane crasher guy having a hangar co-leased by a member of Homeland Security and having ties to intelligence agencies. Is that true? Well, I know that he stole that plane. So, I don't know. It wasn't his plane, if that's what you're talking about.

Oh, really? But, you know what? I'm all for that guy because... What? You're all for that guy that crashed his building? His plane into the building? Did anyone die in that? Yes.

Oh, they did. All right. I'm sorry for the two that died, but fuck the IRS. Wow. I'm still dealing with that bullshit. They're like fucking bullies. Okay, this is... Bad Bobby's telling me that gold is $1,100 an ounce in British Columbia,

and the best weed is $3,200 a pound. It ain't more than gold. It's going for less than $17,000 a pound here in the U.S. Oh, I stand corrected. Thank you very much, sir. It sounds better that way. The way I said it. It's worth more than gold.

I know what's worth more than gold. Hash. Hash is worth more than gold, isn't I know what's worth more than gold. Hash. Hash is worth more than gold, isn't it? Damn, hash is expensive as fuck. How much does a pound of hash go for? More than hot,

but hash lasts longer. A pound of hash will fucking punch a hole through to another dimension. Can you imagine if you smoked a pound of hash? Hash they make out of weed somehow or another.

It's the resin. It's the resin. The resin? How do they do it, though? Do you know how they make it? i don't know sort of a complicated process but i've had it before and it's very it's a strange high it's it's very very i miss very strong i want to do opium again opium is awesome you did opium fuck yeah it's not much different than ash really yeah it looks if it isn't like opiates isn't that heroin no no it's not much different than ash really yeah it looks if i remember it's like a little like opiate soap heroin no no it's like uh it looks like a piece of soap it smokes like uh it smokes smokes like hash and it it smells like a hippie like patruli it smells like patruli when

it burns really yeah it's it's kind of I don't know, like a hash kind of feeling. Hmm. I don't know. I'm scared, man. Yeah, the gold thing, I didn't really research that very well. It was something else. Sorry if I said that incorrectly. There's something else that

marijuana was more expensive than per ounce. Maybe it was oil. Does that make sense? Worth more than oil? Worth more than something that's worth a lot. Whatever. Let's go with some other questions here.

Damn with the Ustream. Powerful Ustream. Opium smells like flowers and is super addictive. From the poppy. There, faggot. Why are you doing something super addictive? Brian's already addicted to cigarettes, like flowers and is super addictive. From the poppy. There, faggot. Why are you doing something super addictive? Brian's already addicted to cigarettes, though. It's not addictive.

Brian's cat had a hangnail and that got him to start smoking again. No, it wasn't. I got audited by the IRS. But before that, it was your cat got a hangnail. No. It was my cat had a fucked up foot. Cat had a fucked up foot. His cat had a fucked up foot. I fucking can't up foot. His cat had a fucked up foot and he was like, I fucking can't

take it anymore. Dude, cigarettes are the worst because cigarettes out of nowhere you'll be like, dude, I need a cigarette.

I need a cigarette. It's one of those things once you do it, it opens up a door that's always going to be open and it's weird. Cigarettes fuck us.

Look at this guy. Did you know you can activate your pineal by saying the word love at a certain frequency? Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

Dude, it's like that. Shut up. Like the new Mariah Carey song has a high enough pitch to open up your garage doors. No, it doesn't. Shut the fuck up. People love to say stupid shit. It's so stupid. People love fucking magic.

They love magic and nonsense. You know? They love to think that there is something like that. There's real magic. fucking magic. They love magic and nonsense. They love to think that there is something like that. There's real magic. You can do real magic. Eat a pound of mushrooms. You want to see something magic? Instead of having a 16-ounce steak, have 16 ounces of mushrooms, motherfucker.

Boom! That's magic. Yeah, you'll magically be retarded for the rest of your life. You'll probably be communicating with aliens permanently. You'll magically be retarded for the rest of your life. You'll probably be communicating with aliens permanently. You'll probably be locked into another dimension. Tell Jerry Garcia smoking opium wasn't addictive. He moved to smoking black tar heroin after that. Well, it's for sure addictive.

They used to have opium dens back in the Wild West. Don't you remember? Sure, but I never once did opium and the next day thought about, oh my God, I need it. You know, it was never like that. Cocaine was kind of like that, but for me.

But opium never was like that. That was more like a treat, like a dessert. Well, you know, that's a good argument because this argument was on the message board as well. People were talking about

things being addictive and the problem with even alcohol being People were talking about things being addictive. And the problem with even alcohol being addictive is that it's not addictive to everybody. You know, I'm not addicted to alcohol. I could not have a drink every day for the rest of my life, and I'd have no problem with that. But I like to have a drink sometimes and go on stage. I like to have a drink sometimes with my buddies just to make things fun. It just makes you get crazy. You pay for it the next day, though.

Especially our age. Yeah, man. You get crazy. You pay for it the next day though. Especially our age. Yeah. Yeah, man. You get older, you pay for it more. But the bottom line is it's not addictive. Like I don't hurt when I don't have it. But for some people it is. Yeah.

Some people have to have a drink. When I was doing construction, when I was a kid, there was a dude who had a Mountain Dew bottle. And he would fill it up with fucking beer. Like cheap beer. Like Colt 45. And he would drink beer all day fucking beer, like cheap beer, like Colt 45, and he would drink beer all day while we worked, all day. This guy was a shaky, jonesing dude. He would show up for work, though.

He was there every fucking day, 7 in the morning, swinging that hammer. You know, he was there, pissing every five minutes. Guy was always hammered, though. He was drinking beer all day. For that dude, though, I think it's like everybody's got their own biochemical makeup. It's like you're addicted to cigarettes. But like Tom Segura, Tom Segura smokes cigarettes when he drinks, but doesn't smoke other times. And he can go years without cigarettes with no problem.

But when he drinks, he likes to have a cigarette. When was the last time he went a year with no problem, though? Well, he said he's taken a long time off. He's taken time off a bunch of times. And he won't smoke for months. And then he'll have a cigarette. He'll have a cigarette when he drinks. I definitely think cigarettes is like that one thing that even if you quit smoking,

it can be three years later and out of nowhere you'll start smoking again. No reason why. No, you've said that and so has Ari. So I think, you know, I think they're doing something. Remember that movie The Insider with Russell Crowe? You see that movie? Yeah. It was all about like all the shit that they do to cigarettes to make it even more addictive.

Like hundreds of different additives. Right. Hundreds of different additives just to make it more addictive. And I totally believe that's true. Totally, 100% believe that's true. And if that's the case, man, I mean, who the fuck knows? I mean, they say that cigarettes are more... It's not as dangerous as heroin, because heroin will kill you quicker and you can overdose from it but cigarettes will get you hooked quicker

than anything yeah like apparently if you if you have that thing inside you that gets you hooked to shit like most i don't but i cigarettes totally different totally totally is he only with cocaine too you said well i almost because i was selling it and getting a large amounts of it for free you were allegedly allegedly selling Allegedly selling it. Not really selling it. Not really selling it. This is just for fiction. This is like a character that would buy a large amount so he could give it away and have some extra for free.

It was Peter Pan of... No, not Peter Pan. Robin Hood of cocaine. It was like one month of my life back in 94. In this fictional story that we're telling. In this fictional story. But anyways. But if you were rich,

okay, what if you were like crazy Jay-Z rich? What if you were like Jay-Z baller, you know, private jet rich and you could just get pure cocaine

shipped right over here from the CIA? The CIA would drop it off on your doorstep. Well, I think I like... Mr. Reichel, package of cocaine? I think the only reason

it was kind of addictive to me because I am one of those people that never go to the doctors and I probably need to be one of those people that are on speed or something because I like having a thyroid condition. Most of my day is spent moping around, no energy and stuff like that. But when cocaine, I felt like I was alive for the first time. I think that's what was addictive, more of just like I felt like I was out of some kind of coma. Well, sometimes, yeah.

Well, sometimes I'm having like a normal day. Like, I'm not really into anything. And I'll have a cup of coffee and God damn it, I just get fucking fired up. I feel great. Yeah. I feel good about life. Right. Fucking feels like the warm sun feels better.

I want to clean my office. Right. You know, you get a little fired up from stimulants, you know. Right. That's what they're there for. Yeah. You know. I don't know what cocaine's like, but I know that I've had problems with coffee before.

You would never stop talking. You talked about this. I told you I did that tea once. You would be talking so fast your jaw would fly off and hit somebody in the face. I have this thing called mate de coca. And it's a tea that's made out of – I guess I'm talking to myself now. I'm talking to you. Mate de Coco is a tea that's made out of coca leaves.

So it's like cocaine, the plant that they make cocaine from. But it's the unprocessed form, which is, it's actually like indigenous people chew that. I think it's in Peru, they said. It's like really common. Isn't it Peru? He doesn't know. He's outside smoking cigarettes. I'm talking to myself.

They chew this leaf. And it's for especially people that are at high altitude, like high altitude herding communities. They chew this tea, this tea leaf. But I had it in a tea form. And when I had it, it was not good for me. I couldn't shut the fuck up. Me and Doug Stanhope were doing shrooms. It was the day the Iraq war started

and we were in the middle of the desert at my friend Jan's house and it's pretty crazy because we were shrooming and right when the shrooms were kicking in, we noticed on the television set that they were saying that the war coverage begins at five and Stanhope looked at me and he goes, there's a fucking kickoff for the war.

I mean that's really what it was like. They were telling us when the war coverage was going to start. Tune in at 5 for war coverage. It was like a kickoff. It was like that's when the program. The war program was going to start. And that's when this guy Jan. My friend Jan.

Who's like. He's done more psychedelics than anyone I've ever met, ever. He's definitely probably fried his brain. He's got a cool podcast, though. But he was talking about, hey, take this mate de coco. It'll help the mushrooms kick in quicker. Maybe it did, but I could not shut the fuck up. And I was telling Doug while I was doing it, I was like, I can't shut the fuck up.

This is driving me crazy. And he was laughing uncontrollably because he thought it was hilarious that I was talking about how I couldn't shut the fuck up yet aware of it and still talking. It's the worst, but you know what? That's one of those drugs that, thank God you never tried because you would freak out and love it because it makes your mind open up

and just think so clear. Wow. Because you're just nonstop thinking of new stuff to talk about well that's for me my friend my friend jimmy said that when we were kids we had the cousin that was uh had the problem with it he told me not to do it he told you smell so bad dude that is so nasty cigarettes are so funny but you kept on talking about him and daddy needed a taste oh daddy needed a taste you Oh, Daddy needed a taste. You can't go two hours without...

He had a cigarette right when we started, too, by the way. I had the other half. Oh, shut your fucking hole. You had your fix. Goddamn it. Had your goddamn fix. Anyway, cigarettes are bad, okay? Okay.

Okay. Very bad. Okay. You know what, though? What's interesting in California, I don't know if this is in all states, that they have changed cigarettes to go out by themselves now. What? If you don't hit it long enough, it will just go out because of the fires out here.

Really? So cigarette companies had to make something in the cigarette so if you don't hit it after a while, it will go out by itself. And it just makes me, what is that? Yeah. That can't be good they've probably doing something like that man they've probably made it extra addictive along the way like oh it's just well we can do that but unfortunately cause of psychotic episodes

to make you fucking mortgage your house for extra cigarettes you might start hoarding cigarettes right you know if they could figure out a way to put something in cigarettes that would make you completely insane and have this insane desire to collect cigarettes. Could you imagine if that started happening? You know how like a lot of black dudes collect sneakers? They have like, you go into their house, like MTV Raps or MTV Cribs rather. You know, you go and they have like a whole room filled with sneakers. They're hiding their junk from somebody. Their junk was touched or it's too big and they think they have a horse cock so they want you to look at their shoes.

What the fuck is he talking about? He's like the chicks. No, no, no. They're just, for whatever reason, they're into collecting shoes. What if people just started collecting cigarettes? Like hoarding cigarettes, like roomfuls of cigarettes. And cigarette companies were like, well, you know, we make a fantastic product. We can't help it if people get excited about it they're just excited about our product we found out that they had added something to cigarettes that make people want to hoard cigarettes they would totally do it if some fucking scientist came up with a formula where he could have a certain amount of chemicals and if you put those in cigarettes and people smoke the cigarettes they would have this insatiable desire to collect cigarettes and buy way more than they need. You don't think they would put that

in the cigarettes? Of course they would. Fuck yeah, they would do it. They don't give a fuck about you. They sell shit that kills you. They shit, they don't, it's not like they didn't know, we didn't know cigarettes kill you. Holy shit, we're going to stop. We're sorry. No, cigarettes kill 400 fucking million people every year and no cigarette companies have even thought about slowing down and no politicians have ever thought about banning them. You never hear a peep out of politicians. All those faggots want to talk about fucking banning pot and you know we've got to stop marijuana and illegal drugs. Meanwhile cigarettes are killing way more people than everything else combined. Cancer, AIDS, fucking heroin, meth, coke, all that shit.

Pull it all together with alcohol. It can't put a fucking dent, not a scratch into what cigarettes kill every year. If they could figure out a way to make you want to hoard cigarettes, for sure they would do it. And the people hoarding it, they would give testimonials.

I don't have a problem with it. I enjoy my cigarette collection. When I go out into the garage and I look at all my cigarettes, I like the smell. I get out there and it's not like I'm smoking more. People kind of do that with cigars. I smoke the same amount three times a day. People kind of do that with cigars. You're right.

They do do that with cigars. But cigars are totally different. They like to savor the taste and shit. That shit makes no sense to me. No, different cigars have different flavors, too. They taste different. Yeah, but they all taste like shit. That shit makes no sense to me. No, different cigars have different flavors, dude. They taste different. Yeah, but they all taste like shit to me. It all tastes like you're sucking on a fucking

I don't know, a tree or something. I like them. I like cigars. I think they taste good. Really? Yeah. When you have a fat steak and a glass of wine you get a nice Cuban cigar with a fucking good taste to it. You know, it's just like you take it in and you get a good taste in your mouth. It's fun.

It gives you a buzz. Crazy fucking negative buzz. It's weird that you don't like spliffs then. I don't like spliffs because you don't inhale cigars. You don't have to inhale You put it in your mouth.

Yeah, you do. If you're going to get high? No, the science between getting high is that once it hits your mouth it's immediately in your stream. Is that true? Yeah, they did a study

where it showed people that used to think you're supposed to inhale it and hold it in as long as you can. I guess supposedly you get 99% of the THC immediately when you suck it. Twitterverse, is this true? Because if this is true, I will stop smoking weed from now on, and I'll just put it in my mouth. I'll just put it in my mouth, take a deep breath, and then blow it out.

I always thought the people who were doing that were like Bill Clinton. I always thought that. Bill Clinton did not inhale, but it's because he was crafty. He didn't know that he didn't have to inhale. He knows the science. Whoa, is that real science? It is science. Is that real science, Twitterverse?

What the fuck? Is that true? People are Googling right now. I love Google. We're going to Google right now. You do not have to inhale marijuana to get high. Not have to inhale marijuana to get high. Yeah, I always thought you had to hold it in for the lung thing too, but...

Wiki answers. What if you do not inhale marijuana? Answer. No, it has to go in your lungs to get you high, meaning you do not inhale marijuana? Answer. No, it has to go in your lungs to get you high, meaning you have to inhale to get high. Well, I'm not going to listen to this stupid fuck. Why? Because this stupid fuck spelled high two different times and then wrote have in capital letters. Not very scientific, faggot. Next try. Here's your try.

Do you have to inhale when smoking weed? Yahoo answers. Uh, don't do it. best answer chosen by asker you fucking dummy this is what the girl says uh don't do it but if you must know you have to keep the smoke in your lungs longer than you normally would a cigarette so you inhale it and then keep it in there for as long as you can then exhale that's not true that's not true this dumb cunt too uh don't do it why Alyssa because you don't want to have fun why should he not smoke the pot because he doesn't want to be friendly because he doesn't want to be more sensitive because he doesn't want to tune into the universe more shut the fuck up don't do it You can't tell me not to smoke pot.

Because I'm a goddamn comedian. And that's like telling a basketball player to not play with basketballs. I can't find the answer to this shit. Yeah. I forget where I read it. I read it somewhere. You read it the same place I read that gold is the same amount as weed. I know.

No, because I was on your side where that's bullshit, and my girlfriend who's going to school for nursing, she's like, that's totally untrue. And then she showed me all these studies, and I'm like, oh, okay. It was a... You have to inhale from the weed to get high like I do.

Let's see. This guy says you need to fully inhale to get high. Take a big breath in. See, these are people like fucking 18 that are just like... You have to inhale weed in your lungs to get high or it won't do anything. Weed does not cause cancer. Okay, this guy's got a cancer article.

We're not talking about cancer, you fuck. Alright, we have no correct answer, ladies and gentlemen. We tried. We cannot find the answer to this. Yahoo answers are all written by 16-year-olds or 40-year-old retards, one or the other. This guy says he knows everything about cannabis. More than seven seconds. All right.

This guy, Yahoo answers. Yeah, we looked at those Yahoo answers, man. That doesn't mean shit. It's something about your mouth is filled with whatever the makes sense because you don't inhale a tobacco smoke when you smoke a cigar and you get high as fuck you get really high from cigars cigars give you like a serious nicotine rush like woo like a good one and if that's if that happens why wouldn't that happen with

marijuana too you know you don't inhale the cigar smoke you take it in your mouth and then you blow it out you don't take a deep hit of it like you do with cigarettes yeah that's a that's a tough google search i'll have to just actually find that yeah we don't know we don't know ladies and gentlemen it was a recent article that was about six months ago I read it. Some people weed is not for them. That really is true. You know, like Stanhope doesn't like weed. Stanhope hates weed, which doesn't make any sense because he likes everything else.

But I think he probably got too high and he got paranoid. He got too high once, yeah. If you get too high, weed will fucking rock your world, man. Shit makes you really... The last UFC I was at, I was tripping my ass off. I almost had to run out. I was thinking like, okay, I am just going to leave

and go to my room and take a nap. Because I was tripping too hard. From weed. Wow, this is just... Rivalry says, opium trivia. The term,

are you hip? Comes from opium dens. You would lay on your side, on your hip, and smoke. Hence the term, are you hip that kind of makes sense because if you ever watch like those old west movies or dudes are doing heroin or opium they are lying on their side yeah like what was that movie where wyatt erp was it wyatt

erp one of those movies buffalo bill or wyatt erp i think it was i don't remember who the played them well remember um what was the movie where Doc Holliday... The one where fucking... Dennis Quaid played... Dennis Quaid played Wyatt Earp. And Val Kilmer played Doc Holliday. The dopest Doc Holliday ever. Before Val Kilmer just ate everything that existed.

Val Kilmer's all fat and fucked up now. He was like, go back to Top Gun days. Tombstone. Tombstone, that's it. You go back to like Val Kilmer,

like the old days, Val Kilmer was a handsome motherfucker. You know? Yeah. And then he started hanging out with Tom Sizemore.

You know this whole weed thing, we could just fucking, next time we're sober, we'll just try it. Yeah. Ooh, okay, look at this. It says red band is right.

Arrowhead. Here we go. Robberies comes clean. Oh, yeah. Here we go. You do not. Read it to us. Okay, here it is.

Mouth smoking cannabis. One of the primary health issues with cannabis is the effect of smoke on the lungs while the risks from long-term cannabis smoking are not fully understood. It is assumed by most...

Before I do this, I will take this copy. Mouth smoking is not as efficient as lung smoking and requires approximately three times the material for the same level of effect. But for some people, efficiency is not an issue. I would say it's not an issue. Because weed is not that expensive. We were say it's not an issue, you know, because weed's not that expensive as, you know, like, we were talking about how it's worth a lot of money because, but it's not worth, it's not that much. I mean, you smoke, one marijuana joint is like, what is it, like $10 or something like that, probably?

Mm-hmm. What is it, how much is a joint? A joint, $10. Right, $10. But that's at a California weed store. A joint will, for sure, fuck you out of your mind. Half a joint. Even if you smoke a lot, if you actually inhaled a full joint, you would be blitzkrieg.

California weed. California weed. So if you take California weed and you mouth fuck it, you could probably get by on two hits of California weed from a joint and you're gone. And one of the things that you could do also is if you inhale it and you breathe it out your nose, so you put it in your mouth and then you blow it out your nose, but you're not inhaling it if it even increases it. All right, well, let's post this up online just so everybody knows what the fuck we're reading.

Yeah, but I used to, I remember there was somebody I used to know that would, like, smoke. She would only smoke with me, but she would say, I'm not going to inhale it, but I'll smoke it with you if it makes you feel better. I'm like, ha ha ha, okay. So she would always get fucked up,

and I'm like, wow, she's not stoned, but why is she acting so fucked up? So I look back at it now, and she was fucked up. Okay. I just put that shit up online. So you can Twitter that. So now we learned something, ladies and gentlemen.

Thanks, rivalries. Thank you, rivalries. Rivalries, you know a lot about drugs, motherfucker. This is the dude, he runs the whole thing. It says he owns a pool hall somewhere in Georgia. I forget where it's from.

Makeham, Georgia, I believe. But it's a pretty famous pool hall. This guy owns it. Why does he have the douche squad there? I don't know. There's a bunch of dudes with the douche squad.

You know, some members of my board break off into little separate sex. Like little gangs? Little gangs. I don't know what they're doing. If you, some members of my board break off into little separate sects. Like little gangs. Little gangs. I don't know what they're doing. If you've never been

to my message board, I got the craziest message board. I don't know how the fuck it happened. I don't know what caused it, but I've had

this nutty message board since like 1998 and right now there is more than two and a half million posts on it. I'll put it up online. I started smoking when I was 15, Ray.

And anyway, this message board, there's so much fucking nutty shit on that board. That's how I met Brian. I met Brian from the message board. It's really got a life of its own. I mean, it's got my name attached to it and I pay for it and to keep it running. And, you know, but there's like a bunch of different dudes who are cool people that I've met in real life. Most of them that are the moderators on the board and you know, it's Anything fucked up in the world, anything weird, crazy, any nutty news,

if you're looking for a video, like I heard this is a crazy video out, my board is going to have it. For sure, right? It's a crazy place. It's pretty nutty, ladies and gentlemen. And on that note, it's fucking 536.

That's two hours, two and a half hours. We can't do more than two hours, folks. It gets boring. But we are at the Addison Texas Improv this weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And I'm going to take a link right here, motherfucker. And I'm going to open this bitch.

And I'm going to put that on Twitter so everybody knows what's up. Almost sold out. Yeah, it is very close to sold out. Like all the shows. What about Houston? A lot of Houston people wondering if you're coming back to Houston. Yeah, I'm coming back. We're right now trying to figure out whether we're doing the improv or whether we're doing the House of Blues.

There was a problem with the House of Blues initially where they said the House of Blues could not seat everybody. And I did not want to do a show where people have to stand. And we talked about this before that we went to the Doug Stanhope show when he was in LA and I love Doug, but I, I fucking can't stand and just watch a show for an hour and a half. It hurts your feet. Your back starts hurting. Your neck gets cramped up. And then I realized like, this is uncomfortable.

Like sitting and watching a show is awesome, but standing and watching a show sucks. It gets annoying. I'm not a big fan of the House of Blues. I just went there to see a concert last week and I had a horrible experience with those fuckers with House of Blues which one though the one on Sunset what happened when you go through they stamp your hands they put wristbands on they check your IDs they scan the tickets right so we went there and it was general admission we found a place that we wanted to like like sit and lean up against the wall. It was perfect for the concert. Halfway

through the opening act or whatever, opening band, security grabbed my girlfriend coming out of the bathroom and goes, where's your hand stamp? And she goes, I don't know. Maybe it washed off. I have a wristband. Here's my ticket. He goes, no, your hand's not stamped. You're out of here. And she's like, what? I have my ticket right here's my ticket he goes no your hands not stamped you're out of here and she's like what I have my ticket right here and he goes I don't care he's supposed to have a hand stamp she goes my boyfriend's right there he goes go get him and he's kicked out too and like it was like it was like what do you okay but that's just LA douchebags no no that's just a manager got involved right but that has nothing to do with Houston Texas or even the

blues as a company yeah it, it is House of Blues. He's like, sorry, corporate policy. You're supposed to get hand-stamped. I'm like, it doesn't matter. I'm in here. I have tickets. The manager goes, I'm sorry, but let's go downstairs. Let's get your hand-stamped. Let's figure this out together. I'm like, the concert's on right now.

It was just like the biggest fucking corporate bullshit. That shit wouldn't happen at fucking improv. You don't think so? No. You don't have your hand stamped, but you have a ticket? Come on. So you think that that... So what happened then you think would not happen?

So you think that if we have a show at the House of Blues, people might get fucked? My problem with the House of Blues, it's the corporate thing. The whole not being able to bring camp... Dude, I've had a great fucking time at all the House of Blues. Yeah, well, you'll have any time when you're in front of a good crowd of people, right? Yeah, but that's one of the few venues where you guarantee that everything's going to run smoothly. They get rid of douchebags

in the audience. You're not allowed to record your own set. That is true. Fans aren't allowed to bring cameras into the place, or they have to leave them at the box office. Well, the problem with that is these motherfuckers want to stick cameras in your face while you're on stage and constantly record things and put them on YouTube.

They're going to do that regardless, though. Very distracting. They're going to do that regardless, though. But it is annoying for them and for the bands and for different people who feel like they don't want their stuff pirated. They're just protecting the artist. That makes sense to me. I agree. But it's, I don't know.

You had a bad experience, but I think you had isolated douchebags. I mean, people that run the House of Blues in Vegas are fucking awesome. Those people are super cool. That's the one we go to the most. Yeah. House of Blues in San Diego.

We also know it as a performance side not a customer side. That's true. I've never heard any complaints though. If you guys have had complaints about

the House of Blues let a nigga know. You know, I need to I need to hear that shit. Maybe. Dan Aykroyd's House of Blues in Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun deal fell through. Gigantic fail.

Why did I read that? I don't know. You fucking motherfucker. House of Blues charges a buttload. That is true. They have a lot of built-in costs. I get paid the same amount to do a 300-seat room in Vegas as I do to do the House of Blues, which is like 900 seats, which is pretty crazy. Yeah, that's kind of fucked up.

Yeah, that's kind of fucked up. It's because they have all these built-in costs. They have built-in pockets. Oh, shit. Built-in pockets. Yeah, and their prices. That's another thing. Their prices are ridiculous.

Like a Bud Light was $6 or something like that. Is it really? Yeah. What is it in most bars? Bud Light? Usually. I mean, outside of Los Angeles, usually it's like $3, $2 for a Bud Light. Outside of Los Angeles.

Yeah. In Los Angeles, under $5 at least. Usually. Okay, well, someone just fucking bitch slapped rivalries. BBJ Jones says that shit we said about hip, the opium dens. He says the actual is

the answer of are you hip being opium dens lying on. He says it's not true. It's not true. It says too ingenious, too convoluted, and too silly. It's Wiki44. It says, too ingenious, too convoluted and too silly. Wiki 44. That's wiki. This is just opinion.

There's often a great deal of uncertainty in tracking word origins since we have written words recorded to go on. Phrase may have been in common use long before anybody wrote it down. After all, one doesn't use slang phrases in most writing, such as newspapers. A certain columnist accepted. They should use slang in everything. That's how So talk, why would we pretend and not talk the way we talk? I always thought

that like writing professionally, like when I write in my blogs, I read exactly the way I talk, which is like, I wrote an open letter to Kellogg's, which more or less I did as a writing exercise. I was writing every day for a month, the month my Spike TV special was being recorded. So I wrote down, I wrote my material out every day. Not wrote down material. I wrote new blogs every day. And I just needed shit to write about. And one of them was this Kellogg's banning Michael Phelps because he smoked weed. And because I wrote this open letter.

And I wrote it the way I talk with swears and just the way I normally talk. People are like, yeah, they're going to read that open letter. I'm like, I didn't want them to read it, stupid. I'm just writing. You can read it or you don't read it. But, they're going to read that open letter. I'm like, I didn't want them to read it, stupid. I'm just writing. You can read it or you don't read it, but I'm not going to write something. You need to have more impact. They're going to listen. They're going to listen to a fucking

pothead comedian slash cage fighting commentator like Kellogg's is going to make their decisions based on that. No, it's for you guys. It's for humor. It's for entertainment. Does the word hip really hail from a West African language? It could be either or, though. I mean, it could be that the original hip that Rivalry's talked about is right. I mean, if there's no real, if the origins of it are

murky, it could be both. It's not saying anything to discredit that. Anyway. Who gives a fuck? Red Band is totally right about the cigars. Oh, is he really? Totally right. I am totally right. No, it's a fucking taste thing.

I think cigarettes are disgusting. You're sucking on them every day. You wouldn't think they're disgusting if you smoked them for a week. Yeah, you're totally right about that. You're right. If I was a junkie, I wouldn't think they're disgusting. This guy had a shitty experience at the Anaheim House of Blues. Same deal as Red Band, except they had to make me re-stamp my hand and I lost my stool.

Exactly. That's what happened to me. I lost my stool. I almost got in a fight with a bunch of Persians. And the guy felt bad. His friend felt bad. And he kept on buying me bad tequila all night. And next thing I know, I was like six shots.

Don't be racist, bro. What? Oh, wait. Isn't that what they're called? Persians, man. They're called Persians. They're Iranians. Yeah, but they don't want to be called Iranians.

They want to be called Persians. Yeah. Are you sure? They don't want to be confused with Irania here. Irania? Talk about the fights at 110. It was fucking awesome. Cain Velasquez, that guy's a legend.

He's going to go down in history. He's one of the greatest ever, I think. That was just some stellar shit. Cain Velasquez is going to be... Him against Brock Lesnar is going to be insane. I want to see him against Fedor, really. I would love to see Cain Velasquez is going to be, him against Brock Lesnar is going to be insane. I want to see him against Fedor, really. I would love to see Cain Velasquez against Fedor. I think every time Cain fights, he gets better.

You know, the heavyweight division is a motherfucker right now. Shane Carwin versus Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar is going to fight the winner. And, you know, who knows what the fuck is ever going to happen to Fedor. If Fedor ever gets to the UFC, the fucking universe might collapse. It might be insane. Alright, ladies and gentlemen. We've had a

long ass show. It's 5.44. So that means even with our downtime, we did like an hour and 20 minutes at least. Maybe an hour and a half. Love ya. Thanks for tuning in. Addison, Texas. This weekend. Next week. Where are we next week?

Oh, Canada. I'm in Canada next week. Shaz Oh, Canada. I'm in Canada next week. Shazam, bitches. I'm in Toronto. I'm in a couple other places. I don't know where the fuck I am. But we'll talk about that shit next week. Thank you very much for tuning in.

I love you, bitches. And that's it. All right. I've got to find out how to end this. It would have been cooler if I figured out a way to say thank you. I love you. Rudolph. Shut up.

Bye.