The Joe Rogan Experience - #90 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: March 16, 2011

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

Buckle up bitches. Joe Diaz is in my house. The Joe Hz returns. What's up, baby? What's up, brother? Last time Joey Diaz was here, the fucking power went out, man. Ridiculous. That was ridiculous because by the time the power came back on, he was so high and he hadn't talked for like

20 minutes and he was basically asleep. But it was such an organic podcast because shit happened. We just kept going. We just fucking conked it and moved on. Yeah, we started an audio podcast while it was all going on. Red Band, what's happening? How you doing? What's going on? What the fuck? Get on the mic, though.

I am. I'm trying to adjust here. With your little Keith Richards hair, dude. Look at you, looking sharper than a motherfucker. Yeah.

You know, I've been noticing I wear hats way too much. And it's not like I'm wearing hats to cover up baldness or anything like that. I just fucking hate fucking with my hair.

I hate it. I hate... I like being able to hide if I want to. He's just trying... Right now, he's trying to make up for the fact that he's trying to look sexy. I hate being able to hide if I want to. Right now, he's trying to make up for the fact that he's trying to look sexy. I'm not trying to look sexy. He's kind of looking sexy. I'm not looking sexy.

Look at this picture, Joey. This is the shirt. This is a shirt we're going to be offering on hire-primate.com. It is a Joey Diaz shirt by popular demand. The shirt says, Joey Diaz says, if you ain't high by two in the afternoon, go fuck yourself.

Which is true. It should still continue. That will be our number one selling shirt for sure. All those other monkey, Buddha, marijuana, those are fine. But this is going to take it to the next level. You've got to get the word out there.

Brian, I lost my sound in my ear, whatever you were just doing. Sound in your ear. Whatever you just did. You just adjusted something. It just lowered something. Right there? That's it. It just turns it off like that? Like off and on? Yeah. Oh, that's something that's not right then. That's weird.

I barely touched it. Oh, well, there's a big difference. We got to fix that thing. Anyway, whatever. So the Joey Diaz, if you ain't high by two in the afternoon,

go fuck yourself. The t-shirt's done. The design is ready. It's going to be printed up as soon as we can get it to the shop. It should be any minute now. So I'll let you guys know.

And Joe Diaz will be appearing, where are you at this weekend? This weekend? Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere. You're on Friday night. You're in the city.

I'm at the Bitter End in New York City on Tuesday at 9 o'clock. What is the Bitter End? The Bitter End is an old rock comedy club that Lenny Bruce and George Carlin and Pryor. Oh, yeah? Yeah, but the last guy to do it was the guy from The Daily Show. It's a small little rustic place. Yeah, it's a small little rustic place in the village. And the guy's name is Peter Fogle,

the guy that I met him during the UFCs. I met him in Columbus. We were both, you guys went in without me. And I had to go. In Columbus, they got a weird airport. You just can't wait in line. You have to get a ticket and wait on fucking line. So I waited an hour, and Austin was like,

you ain't got no ticket. Neither did he. So he has this look on his face. He's furious. I got to get to the hotel. You guys are leaving at 445. And for some reason, I looked at him, and I'd just seen this pain in his face. And something, I never do this, just made me pull back.

I go, hey, Doug, you need a bud, don't you? And he looked at me like I was Jesus. He goes, how'd you know? I left my weed on the fucking counter? And I went in my ball sack and gave this guy a bud right there at the fucking taxi cab line. I gave him a bud. He just looked at it and looked at me like,

are you fucking crazy? I was like a spirit that day. Who gives you a line of a butt of fucking weed at the airport right there on line? Who gives you weed out of their ball sack? Yeah, that's the most important part. And who smokes it? That's the craziest thing, right? I would probably deny it out of their ball? Yeah, that's the most important part. And who smokes it? That's the craziest thing, right?

I would probably deny it. I'd probably be like, no, that's a lie. So I met him at the UFC after that. And every UFC, he's a devout fan. He goes to all of them. He goes to the Q&As. So when we spoke, he asked me if I was coming. I told him I couldn't.

And he goes, why don't you do a show at my club down in the village? It's close to Chinatown. So I just killed two birds with one stone. You know what I'm saying? Wow. So you're going you do a show at my club down in the village? It's close to Chinatown, so I'll just kill two birds with one stone. You know what I'm saying? Wow. So you're going to do a show with who? Who's doing it with you? Solo. It's an hour show.

Wow. It's in between two bands. Holy shit. I'm pulling with Stan Hope. Why not? I like that thing. Wow. I love that.

I love that little. Stan Hope really created a monster with me when he started the not doing the comedy club revolution. Yeah. Because I really like that. Every once in a while, you've got to step outside the comedy club revolution. Yeah. Because I really like that. Every once in a while, you got to step outside the comedy club and just get down. They only seat 260. The tickets are going to go.

And everybody's standing? No, no, no, no. Everybody, they got little tables. This is an old fucking rock club. Jimi Hendrix, Neil Diamond, Bob Dylan. You know, this is old school fucking Jimi Hendrix from the Cafe War. I mean, this is a real little club. So, you know what?

I don't want to do nothing in Jersey for my friends and nothing like that. So I figured let me go into the city. And if I call a calamity club, they're going to break my balls. Calamity club. Yeah, they're going to break my balls. They're going to put me up at 2 in the fucking morning. Right. You know, 8, 15 when there's nobody there.

Why go through the aggravation? It's one-stop shopping. All we have to do is just pump it up on Twitter. We'll pack that place. Oh when there's nobody there. Why go through the aggravation? One-stop shopping. All we have to do is just pump it up on Twitter. We'll pack that place. Oh, it'll be packed. So how do people get tickets if they want to get tickets? There's no tickets. You got to go that night.

Tickets go on sale that night. Old school. Old school. Old school. Cash? Cash. God damn. I think they take credit cards.

They got a credit card machine? Yeah, they got everything. Wow. So tickets go on sale when you get there. When you get there. You just got to get there. Yeah. That sounds like a pretty good idea.

$15, no drama. Come on down, bro. It's a Tuesday night. You know what? I don't want a Friday. You know me, dog. Any fucking Momo can go on a Friday night. Right.

Let me see you get down on a fucking Tuesday night, old school style. 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock show. Get out of there. Go to Chinatown. That's what I want to do. And then I'm on to Rochester the next day. Shazam. And what I'm on to Rochester the next day. Shazam. And what are you doing in Rochester?

I'm doing a club called The Comedy Club in Rochester, New York, in Webster. It's a great little fucking spot. So that's Wednesday. That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Yeah. It's called The Comedy Club? Couldn't they think of some kind of name?

Bro, it's Rochester. There's nothing else out there but woods. There's nothing up there but woods. It's great. You know what I like going up there? Woods and bodies, frozen bodies. This is my third time. I mean, the first time but woods. There's nothing up there but woods. But it's great. You know what I like going up there? Woods and bodies. Frozen bodies. This is my third time. I mean, the first time was January.

That's brutal. I'll never do that shit again. But then now I go at least towards late March just because, you know, I like this stuff. Wouldn't you like to name a comedy club? Wouldn't that be a cool thing? I don't know. I guess. What would you name your comedy club?

I don't know. Like Zartans or something like that? Shut the fuck up. Zartans. You're a mess. What's going on with you, your comedy? I don't know, like Zartans or something. Shut the fuck up. You're a mess. What's going on with you, baby Joe? Nothing, nothing. Your family looks great, man. Thank you.

It's amazing to know you a long time and to see what's come of your life. They're fucking beautiful. Thanks, man. It's amazing to have your wife and the Supremes, as I call it. That's what you have up here. You know, like Deanna Ross had the three sisters, the Supremes. Mrs. Rogan has the Supremes. You got the three girls. It's all over for you. You're like the manager. Have they done any dance

numbers for you yet? Like, choreographed dance numbers? This is great, Joe Rogan. I got tears in my eyes. It's, uh, you have a very, very nice, especially you know, you didn't grow up in no fucking mansion when you were a kid. You had it, you know. Look at you. It's a great little family you put together. I'm very proud of you. Thanks, man. You don't see this much in men, and he you were a kid. You had it, you know. Look at you. It's a great little family you put together.

I'm very proud of you. Thanks, man. You don't see this much in men, and he's great with them, isn't he? He's fucking great with them. They love him. They're like, that's big motherfucking daddy Kane Rogan and shit.

Joey, I like your hair today. You have really nice hair. It's calm. You look like you're going to court. This is my first community look. Yeah. This is my first community look. I'm bringing it back, bitches.

You look like you're on your way to court. Nah, no, there's no... Do you know a fucking cop tried to shake me down today? What? What? A fucking cop pulled me over today. And I asked, you know, I know they have the camera on the cars. Right.

I just asked him, is there any reason why you're pulling me over? He goes, no, no, no. We had you mistaken. Then we ran your plate and you're okay. You're free to go. Then what the fuck are you pulling me over for? I think he was pulling me over to see if I was smoking herb. I don't smoke herb

In my car So you're fucked guy Really you don't think It might have been Just exactly what he was saying That they just got confused I know how he did it I parked in a different place

By my house And he was on my corner And as I made a left I seen how he looked at me And I was doing the speed limit I don't fuck around I went down And by the time I got to hunger

He had made a U-turn and got right behind me. Like, you know when you're looking at your radio, and you look up, and there's a cop behind you? Right, but it couldn't have been that he just thought you were somebody else? Maybe he saw your haircut, and he was attracted to you. He never thought. Oh, he had another guy with him. The fuck is wrong with you, Brian?

Strong possibility, Brian. You think so? But no, maybe. I don't know. But I thought I was going to be late. That's why I called you. That's why I called you that's why I called you I said this motherfucker is going to put me over

at 10 after 2 what makes you think he was trying to shake you down like did they really do that anymore no no not shake me down just shake me down

see let me see what's in your pockets just see what's going on maybe he thought I was smoking dope in the car right

you know and then when he was you just looked like a dude who would be smoking pot in the car yeah I think that's what it was no smoking in the car he's got weed Joey would smoke in the car. Right. You know, and then when he was driving... You just looked like a dude who would be smoking pot in the car. Yeah, I think that's what it was. No smoking in the car. He's got weed.

Joe, you would smoke in the car everywhere. You would smoke in the car in fucking Texas. And I'm like, dude, this is... Don't smoke in the car. This is not a smart move. And they would give me a hard time. Don't smoke in the car. Don't smoke in the car, Joe Rogan.

Don't smoke in the car. You guys want to go to jail? I don't do it. You know this is like... This is not California. I don't do it because of that jail? I don't do it. This is not California. I don't do it because of that. I just don't do it because sometimes in the daytime, I don't need to be that fucking stoned.

I already get stoned in the morning. That's good enough. If I take weed with me in the car, I'd be a mess. It's funny. It's not a smart move. It is funny how California makes you totally forget that. In Ohio, I was paranoid about smoking weed anywhere. I'd clean up the seeds from my car.

Now, I fucking feel like it's like that everywhere that's why there's states laws i mean that's how it's supposed to be i mean it's not supposed to be that someone can stop you from doing it but it is supposed to be that some places can decide it's okay what happened in west hollywood last night did you hear about this i heard nothing uh all these uh weed stores got raided and some one of them caught fire ari's ari's weed store uh is gone zen weed or something like that no yeah it's gone it's there's a sign it says uh it's closed forever or something like that wow and i heard that one of the places they set on fire whoa like i don't know if it was the grow yard or whatever but there was one place on fire zen Zen fucking whatever. The best Jolly Rancher candies you will ever eat in your life.

I was eating them, popping them with Ralphie May like they were candy. He bought a bag of them, this fucking big. And by the third one, I'm at the sushi place, and I didn't even know where the fuck I was. Do you guys realize how alien this conversation is to most people listening all over the world? We had this conversation at 830 in the morning, you and I. I called you, and I said, you know you know as a kid you expect jet packs and you expect people going to mars and shit never did i thought in any of my youth that at eight in the morning i would be at a we store eating bagels and smoking dope next to an attorney and a construction fucking work cop fucking cops have medical marijuana licenses

They do? I think so I don't think you can I don't think you can piss clean You have to piss clean To get signed up for the force I don't think they're allowed to test them I shouldn't be talking out of my ass

Because I don't know what kind of testing they do Once they're in office Or once they're on the job But to get to be a cop I'm sure they must have to piss test you. I think at the beginning of something, they do psychological and all that shit to you. You know what, man? Look, there's too many fucking restrictions if you're a guy who's just got a fucking job. All right.

If you're just a guy who works at UPS and, you know, you got a decent management job and you like it. And you got to fucking piss into a cup every couple months, so you can't even enjoy yourself at your brother's wedding. Everyone's sitting around smoking a joint, listening to some good songs, and you got to stand over there by the fan,

because you're worried, yeah, you're worried that shit's going to get in your hair. The fuck, man. That's nonsense. If you get high, you're only high for like two hours at the most. And then it goes away.

Unless you're really high. Unless you eat it. And even then, what the fuck? By the time you get to work, most likely you'll be sober. If you ate so much weed that you're still high the next day. Have you ever been high in the car, guys, and something happens and you go, that was close? Like you missed an accident or somebody was next to you and you just put the blinker on and went and realized it was him. I've done that so much when I'm not high, though.

So I can't really judge if I would have done that regardless if I was high or not. You know, like something where you're looking down at your shoe or something like that. Like, what's on my shoe? I never do that. You've never caught yourself high and slipped and said, wow, that fucking was close

or something. No, no. I'm very conscious of two things. I don't drive if I'm high like that and I don't ever not pay attention

to the road. Paying attention to the road is very important to me. I always pay attention to the road. You never catch me texting. I don't text in my car.

Get the fuck out of here. I was in a car once with a chick. She was a publicist for one of the clubs and she was driving me to radio. And she's fucking texting on the highway. On the highway! You got that kind of control over your car, really? You hit a rock and that steering wheel twists to the right.

And you got this? You got this. You're really paying attention to what you see in front of you? Are you crazy? We're going 80 miles an hour. I had to tell her to stop. I said, please stop doing that. If you're going to text, let me drive. Don't do it.

It's fucking not worth it. It's not worth it. But for a lot of people, man, it's too goddamn easy. It's too tempting. It's right there. My car has a little thing. BMW has this little knob that you can dial the phone from all this. So you've got your address book shows up on a screen.

You can scroll through it. So you never have to take your eyes off the road. You're right there with the whole thing. Yeah, but you're still typing something. Yeah, very little. Ford has a button. You just go dial Joe Rogan. We have that, too.

BMW has that, too. They all have that now. But my point is, even that's tricky. Even that, you've got to watch what the fuck you're doing when you're clicking yes and okay. But at least you're looking ahead and you're getting the peripheral in there. At least you're getting a decent vision. But man, fucking people who text their car freak me out. I see it all the time.

You're hurling a giant metal machine 70, 80 miles an hour around a bunch of other ones and you're not even fucking paying attention you cunt do you think eventually uh us as a race is going to get to the point where that is just common like you can do it super easy like you just get trained and your input's ineffective there'll be another input i mean it's going to get to some sort of a neural input at that point. Right. But, you know, that's all coming. You know, we're resisting all of that.

But, I mean, look, everything we've got today is fucking witchcraft 300 years ago. Witchcraft. Total witchcraft. An iPhone is sorcery, man. That shit, it would fucking burn you at the stake if you showed up with an iPhone. And now it's here. What comes next? We're going to have to get over this human-machine interface.

We're going to have to get over the idea of implants. People are going to have shit implanted into their body, and you're going to be able to communicate with other machines and other people who have chips planted in their body. The human body will become a computer. I'm laughing because my buddy has a joke that he did in Texas. He did a one-nighter in a club in a part of Texas that was so backwards that the opening act was a magician and they thought he was a devil worshiper.

Because he was doing magic? Yeah, he was doing magic. It is one of the funniest bits. And he goes, Joey, it was a night from hell. He goes, they were all like white Christians. And this guy was in there making birds disappear and shit. They thought he was the devil. They were like, get that devil out of the building.

They paid him and asked him to fucking leave. That's beautiful. That's hilarious. They thought he was the fucking devil. You know, man, this is the thing about religion. You can tell me you believe in God all day, but as soon as you start talking about the devil, holy shit, did you throw yourself in a box. Because you can tell me you believe in god all day but as soon as you start talking about the devil holy shit did you throw yourself in a box because you can't be all spiritual you know even

spiritual people like well i didn't believe in religion but i'm very spiritual and i definitely believe in god you know but they they don't go well the devil's real i'm pretty sure of that yeah pretty sure the devil's real like the what he lives underground joe the devil come on the fuck on come on really come on the fuck you can't fucking say you you believe in the devil that's where people draw the line when you're saying you believe in the devil you're just going deep deep deep you're going fire brimstone fucking dragons the exorcist was on this morning i'm not in the fucking morning oh I get back and I'm just going through the channels. I put the news on and it was like

Spike from last night watching the UFC countdown. And I'm like is this the fucking Exorcist at 9.05 in the morning? Spike has lost their goddamn mind. It was on Spike, bro. There's people that don't have this in perspective because it's 2011

and you've had some amazing, you know, fucking Avatar type movies. And, you know, movies just they're on such another level now than they were back then. But when The Exorcist came out, dude, that was the scariest movie of all time. When that little girl spun her head around and starts stabbing herself with a crucifix going, your mother sucks cocks in hell. It's meat. She's stabbing and stabbing into the meat of her pussy with a crucifix.

It was brutal. I watched the movie this morning for 20 minutes while I was making breakfast. I sat there and it got me. I had to turn it off and get the fuck out of the room. It's a brilliant movie. They find the devil in Africa. They find that little devil in Africa and that's why I feel

that Africa's always fucked. Because that devil, they found him. Africa's never looked back. There's always something going on in Africa. Always something, dog. Somebody's getting killed. There's a war. Oh, Egypt, this, that. Think about it. Look at Africa. Every week they got fucking something. Except this week my prayers go out to fucking Japanese people.

It's crazy. Every day that gets crazier and crazier with that. But, you know, this exorcist was brilliant. Watch the fucking movie with no interruption. Yeah, no, it's a brilliant movie. You know, they had a lot of problems on that movie. Yeah. Like, a lot of problems.

Like, a lot of weird things that the studio burnt down. It was just fucking crazy you know that guy the guy i named my cat after there's a cat in there when she's the rocking chair she keeps telling the priest d me that priest that yeah be a boxer right that's jackie gleason's motherfucking son-in-law really that's that's uh shit whatever his father in real life he's an actor the kid's an actor but that guy never dim, Demetrius, remember his name was Demetrius and she used to call him Demi. Why you do this to me?

And that was the boxer. That was the boxer priest that smoked cigarettes and drank. And after that, he just beats the fuck out of the devil. He got him down. He's drowning and pounding and Linda Blair's taken

out of the bottom position. And then she just throws him out. Remember, he gets up and he just goes out the fucking window. It's a brilliant movie. They can't do that shit ever again. They don't have that kind of writing. They don't have that.

Well, it hadn't been done yet. Deep! So when it was done, they went so far with it, too. You tell me there wasn't some arguments about whether or not they should have her stab herself in the pussy with a cross. There must have been some studio conversations. Definitely, back then. It's 1972, people. She's screaming, your mother

sucks cocks in hell. And she's stabbing herself in the pussy. That has to have been crazy. How'd they even get that passed? Terrifying, man. That was brilliant. When the devil's first coming into the house, there's a fight one night in her house.

She's an actress, the mother, and she's having like a party and the guy's German, the waiter, and the guy keeps saying something to him, you fucking Nazi. And two days later, they find the guy

on the bottom of the stairway with his neck twisted and they couldn't figure out who, I mean, it's a deep, the exorcist is a lot deeper. Remember when she goes up to the astronaut,

she goes, you're going to die up there. Yes. That was like the first creepy little girl. Like movies there's no i mean the stephen king the twins and shining those are creepy little girls those are kind of interesting you know the one what is that the japanese one what is that one oh uh the fuck is it the uh tv girl yeah the the fucking you know what i'm talking about it's The girl with the TV that crawls out of the TV and... God damn it. They did an American version of it too, right?

Didn't they? Whatever it is. The spooky little scary Japanese girl. I would have sex with her. In the movies. Would you? Yeah. You would, you fucking idiot. Linda Blair. Let me tell you something. All these little twins. What's her name? The little twins that did Full House.

Oh my god. They were on TV, they never got to have a childhood Bitch, Linda Blair Was putting a cross in her pussy At the age of 12 Somebody went to Linda Blair and said Linda hi, can you sit down for a second with your mother in the room In this film, we want you to take a fucking cross And put it in your little twat

And say your mother sucks cocks in hell. Can you say that? Repeat that to me. This movie fucked her up so much, she ended up hanging out with Rick James 20 years later. Was she not a Doug member? She never recovered from that film. That was one of the... How could she?

How could you do a movie when you're 12 where you're stabbing yourself in the pussy with a cross? How could you do that and then expect to be normal? Mother sucks cocks in hell. Yeah, and she's screaming it. Your mother sucks to be normal? Mother sucks cocks in hell. Yeah, and she's screaming it. Mother sucks cocks. Mother sucks cocks in hell. And that crazy voice. That was the first original

really scary movie. Because there have been monster movies before like Dracula and shit. But there was nothing that seemed real. Creepshow was my scary one. That was a great one.

I never saw Exorcist as a kid. I saw it as an adult. But Creepshow was fucking scary one. That was a great one. I never saw Exorcist as a kid. I saw it as an adult. But Creepshow was fucking used to freak me out. It used to play on the old HBO all the time. Remember? Creepshow was great. Creepshow was great. Nightmare on Elm Street, the first one, fucked my world up a little bit.

Yeah, that was a good one. The tongue comes out of the phone. That's brilliant, bro. That's fucking brilliant. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. When he goes to pick that up and that little tongue starts moving. Yeah, we were talking about this the other day, but the Silence of the Lambs still fucking holds up. There's a few movies that still.

At night, they're going to do a thing on A&E. I've seen it before about the making of that. Yeah. How much went into that. How much of this character. That movie's a work of art. She's a bad motherfucker. She's a bad.

She's so badass. Even when she's nervous. Like, she's talking to him. Like, you know, Mr. Lecter. You know, like, her nervousness. to him, like, you know, Mr. Lecter, you know, like her nervousness. It's like so fucking real. Like she must have made herself nervous for that. Like the way she's doing it, it's like these are like little weird twitches in your lip that you can't even fake.

You know what I mean? Like you would literally have to be nervous to be having these little twitches and quivers in your mouth as she's communicating. Like she's having a hard time getting it out. She's brilliant, dude. And him and her together, Jesus fucking Christ. Anthony Hopkins? Come on, man. Who are you kidding? There's just a fucking, there's so much about that movie that was so badass.

The way he got out of the jail, the way he tricked them and got out of the jail. It's like the suspension of disbelief. You don't need much of it. When he's Spider-Man, he threw his cum at her. Remember? Yeah. Migs. Migs. Migs.

That was my nickname from one friend, my friend John Tobin. He used to call me Migs because of that. Why? I don't know. He's fucking crazy. Bro, he made Migs kill himself. Yeah. Yeah. Talk to Migs and kill himself. Yeah. Nobody's done that since Robert Duvall in Godfather

2 when he talked the Freddy Fivefingers angles into killing himself in the tub. Remember, he goes to visit him in jail, and he goes, at the end of the party, the roamers would get together and eat fruit, and then they'd slice their fucking wrists, and the next day they're playing cards. And what's his name? He cut himself in the tub.

That's a fight. Holy shit, I forgot about that. Godfather 2 is one of the few movies where it was just as good as Godfather 1, or good enough for me, at least. There's very few that are like that. Godfather 2 is one of the few movies where it was just as good as Godfather 1, or good enough for me at least. There's very few that are like that. What a great fucking film. Never seen any of them.

Like, Alien 1 and Alien 2 is debatable. Because, like, Alien 2 was kind of fun, because there was a lot of goddamn aliens, and there was the big giant fucking alien. It's still pretty badass. But Alien 1 was creepier. It was a different thing. It was scary. You couldn't see it. You didn't know where it was by the time you saw it it got you and it was impossible to kill but there's alien two it's like you're killing them left and right like okay

now this is a totally different thing still awesome because these things are stupid now they were super smart and clever and and they would get you and hide on people now there's like they're killing 10 of them before one person gets killed. That's silly. So if you look at that, but it's still a badass fucking movie. So I don't think it's as good as Alien 1, but goddamn, it's still one of the best all-time science fiction movies. Alien 2, Alien 1 was so fucking badass.

When that shit came out, dude, I remember I went to see that, and the first thing I said when I got out of the theater, I said, fuck Star Wars. Fuck Star Wars. Like, that's like, and I'm a huge Star Wars fan. I saw Star Wars like 13 times when I was a little kid. But when I saw Alien, and I was like, that's what aliens are

going to be like, man. It's not going to be like some fucking furry dude with a bandolier on and a gun. That's not going to be aliens, man. Aliens is going to be some weird parasites that lock onto people and grow inside our bodies and explode out of our chests. And so Gordia Weaver was a bad motherfucker. Yeah. Both of them, wasn't she?

Dude, she's badass. She's badass. She's badass. That is when she was young, too. You know, she was fierce. She didn't give a fuck. There's a few, you know, there's a few people that make acting worthwhile and they don't seem to need that much attention. They seem to be pretty fucking like that guy.

Who's the guy on my left foot? Daniel Day-Lewis. That guy. That guy's a brilliant actor. And you barely even fucking hear a peep about that guy. He's never going to like events and making a big deal about things and holding press, and fucking, you know, sitting in talk shows, and, you know, crossing his legs, talking about his fucking vacation.

You know, no, no. That guy's hiding in Ireland, learning how to box. You know what I mean? He's fucking eating gruel and living in a prison because he's got to be in a prison movie. There's a couple of them that I like. I really respect that part of the ass. He's the baddest motherfucker of all time.

Daniel Day-Lewis. Between him and Gary Oldman, it's a toss-up. Gary Oldman, even in this stupid Red Riding Hood movie, I went to see Red Riding Hood. Was that good, by the way? I don't think you ever said it was good. It's okay. It was decent. You know what it was?

It was entertaining, but it was parts of it where you say, wow, this could have been really good. This could have been really good, but it got a little Twilight-y at the end. It got a lot Twilight-y at the end. But there's parts of it that are, but Gary Oldman's a bad motherfucker. Even in a silly movie. He still comes across like the creepiest motherfucker. He makes you uncomfortable when you see him. You know, like,

ah, shit, he's here. Like, you feel it when he's in the room. Like, he ain't no fucking cardboard cutout of a villain. He's thinking like a fucking villain. His eyes are lit up like a killer. Like, for real. He ain't no fucking cardboard cutout of a villain. He's thinking like a fucking villain. His eyes are lit up like a killer, like for real. There's some dudes that don't know how to do that or they can't do that. I don't know what it is.

I can't do it. I don't know what it is that they do it. I've never been a successful actor. But whatever the fuck it is that those guys have, like Russell Crowe, he's got it too. They can just become somebody. They can just really become someone different than who they are. What's his name? Russell Crowe. He's got it too. They can just become somebody. They can just really become someone different than who they are. There's only a few dudes

who can do that. But those guys are valuable. Those guys, that's a crazy trick, man. You know what this guy really fucking talks like and it's not weirding you out. But all of a sudden he's got this strange accent. You know what Russell Crowe really talks like. But all of a sudden he's playing some guy accent. Like, you know what Russell Crowe really talks like.

But all of a sudden he's playing some guy from Brooklyn and you buy it? How are you buying into this? Come on, I know what his real voice sounds like. But yet, I'm still roped in. He's that good. That's why they give him $20 million to fuck a movie. Yeah, that's why. You know who's the worst at doing that, though? Michael Myers.

Michael Myers? I mean, every single movie is the same fucking character. Exactly. Well, it's different when you're trying to be funny. He's a sketch guy, bro. These fucking actors. Listen, there's some motherfucking actors that could act their fucking ass off. And when they're around you, you know it.

Denzel, Marlon Brando, the chick from The Postman Always Rings Twice, that Jessica Lange. Them bitches were treacherous. These fucking little bitches today couldn't deal with them. These actors today hanging out at the fucking Hollywood. You think half of these motherfuckers could run with Marlon Brando when he was slinging dick in his day? Are you fucking kidding me? They went down on

what's that movie he did down on the island before he bought the island? Island of Dr. Moreau. No, the one before that with a treasure, when Warner Brothers said, yeah, go down there. Have a blast. They went down. He wasn't even directing. he was banging fucking chicks 10 at a time he had some water boy fucking film in the fucking movie he had footage of boats going by and birds they're like marlin what the fuck you've been doing down here for eight months they weren't even gonna give the godfather because

of that they were like we don't even want to hear that fucking name. That guy blew eight months of our life. We went down in his wildlife. He's drawing pictures. We're sending checks down here. He bought a fucking island. Did he really? You don't know about that? Well, I know he lived on an island, right? He bought an island.

And then for Superman, they're trying to call him up, come back. He's like, listen, I'll read the script. Send me $100,000. You had to pay him to read the script. Wow. $20,000 to read it. You want him to show up that's 100 grand for a media

I gotta come off the island dog so 20 grand to read 100 grand to why did they hate him when he died he had been pissing them off for 30 fucking years and they couldn't do nothing he was marlin

bro the guy showed up at the Oscars didn't even show up he sent an Indian to pick up his fucking Oscar go online and look at it she's up there fucking booing her and shit. This guy last week at the, oh, well, what's his little fag name? Anne Hathaway and the guy.

Oh, they booed the Oscars. Bitch, you go back to. I don't know what happened. What happened? No, nothing happened. There were people complaining online that he wasn't funny. Bitch, you go back to 73. Oh, was it James Franco?

Yeah, Marlon Brando sent a fucking Indian with a feather in their hat to pick up his Oscar. They were booing him. That's real Hollywood. Steve McQueen. We've had this conversation. Well, that was their only outlet to express themselves back then. They didn't have Twitter or the internet or anything like that. You couldn't stage a protest. What express yourself? You're an actor. If you wanted to do something,

you wanted to protest something. In public. Yeah, you had to do it during an award show like on television. That's crazy. That's the only way for people to see it. I've never thought about that. You're completely right. Not only that,

people wouldn't re-see it. How do you re-see it? Right. There was no re-seeing shit like that. So you had to make, like if you wanted to make a stand,

making public stands was very important back then. That's the only way you had a voice. Fuck the mall in Milan though. Put more Indians in the movies. You know those black guys

at the Olympics? They held their fists up with the black gloves on. All right. The black power movies. You know those black guys at the Olympics? They held their fists up with the black gloves on. All right. The black power fist, you know? Because they're tired of being fucking treated like they're shit their whole life. And finally they get to do something. They win the Olympics. And they're like, look, bitch, you know, stop with all this nonsense, all this racial hatred.

And then everybody looked at it like as if they're racist, you know, what they're doing. Oh, they're black separatists. Oh, they're dangerous. So that's a reaction. That's a reaction're racist, what they're doing. Oh, they're black separatists. Oh, they're dangerous. That's a reaction. That's a reaction to the society that they lived in. And where else were they going to make that protest? That's exactly the right place to do it. They did it subtle enough for me.

They hold their fucking fist up in the air. That's subtle enough for me. How the fuck else? I'm talking about that message that they sent in 1960-something. What is he saying? What is it? I don't even got a song I tell you. Raise your fist to the music.

United we stand, yet divided we fall. Together we can't stand tall. Brother's going to work it out sometime. Whatever. Sometime, realize. It's super bad. What's up, B? Man of a thousand bitches.

Look at him. I'm watching you, Brian. You got more bitches than fucking your actor. He's a very loyal boy. I'm very you, Brian. You got more bitches than fucking your actor. He's a very loyal boy. I'm very loyal. Very loyal. Shit. He's a slinging dick.

He's breaking everybody's records. Yeah. He's got that pop star hair thing going on. I'm telling you, he's looking like... Sexy bitch. Whatever. He's looking like... Whatever.

Whatever. I'm so over it. Whatever. I'm so over it. I'm going to a food truck. What the fuck, Brian? What the fuck? Have you guys ever gone...

What's up with these food trucks? I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but in LA, food trucks have attacked LA. Now, food trucks are so popular, they have Twitters, where you can go on Twitter and find out where the truck is. And on Melrose the other day,

the whole street was just food trucks lined up and thousands of people everywhere. This is a new recent trend, right? Yeah, brand new. It's perfect for L.A. because the momos are out there with their Twitter. Where is he? Oh, my God, we can't live without the food.

The food's okay. The grilled cheese one. Have you been there? The grilled cheese one's good. And there's another one that's poppers. Toppers? God damn. And they don't pay rent.

There's no overheads. The food's very cheap. Wow. It's not bad. It's pretty badass. They have them in front of Skinny's on Thursday nights. They have an open mic in Skinny's. You go in there and do comedy.

And on the way out, they got these fucking trucks everywhere. Wow. I see those Mexican ones, and I don't take the chance. No, those are upgraded. Nowadays, it's like a restaurant. I think about taking a chance, though. Sometimes, there's El Tapatio in the Valley. I want to take you there if you want to go get some real Mexican food. Where is it? El Tap, though. Sometimes, like there's El Tapatio in the Valley. I want to take you there

if you want to go get some real Mexican food. Where is it? El Tapatio. It's legit, dude. Where is this? It's legit. I think it's in Woodland Hills. It's on Van Owen or something like that. That place is legit. Dude, their pork tacos,

carnitas. Oh! They have that big dirty bowl of pickled Dude, they're pork tacos, carnitas. Oh, delicious. Oh! I went to Rosarito's last night, dog. Stop it. They have that big, dirty bowl of pickled jalapenos and carrots just sitting out there. Anybody can just stick their fucking hands in there. No one cares. Big little plate of jalapenos and radishes and shit like that. Those jalapenos will fuck your world up.

These are jalapenos they grew. You know what I'm saying? They grew these shits in their backyard. They got these new jalapenos. They don't make your ass burn just when you're shitting. They stay there all day. It's like a subtle fucking burn to remind you. All day you're in the bathroom triple wiping because you think you didn't wipe

right. You think you have like the second riff more that's coming out of your muffler. But these new jalapenos bro, they burn your ass all fucking day. New jalapenos? I had this last week or two. My asshole was on fire all fucking day. I'm done with that stuff. What, you don't eat Mexican food?

No, I don't eat jalapenos. That shit just fucks me up too much. Dude, I make carne asada burritos with fresh jalapenos, and I chop them up in there, and I chop up like a whole pepper and a half in one burrito, and it just fucking cleans the whole system out,

son. Oh, tears are coming down your eyes, your tongue's on fire, but goddamn, your body's like, it gets like a nice jolt. It feels like you're fucking dusting off all the bullshit. You don't get into it, huh?

Brian likes mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes and meatloaf. No gravy, please. Thank you. Do you have milk? Mashed potatoes and meatloaf. Do you have whole milk? I got a white bread. I had a piece of mashed meatloaf from last night on white bread.

Wonder bread. Shit. Shit. Shit. A little ketchup on that motherfucker. Stop it. Here's another strong place to eat. There's a place called Chick's out here in the valley.

And I think that's in Calabasas. Maybe. Somewhere around there. Anyway, this fucking place has made their own rotisserie. They throw wood in it. It's a wood-burning rotisserie. Family-owned. They've owned this place fucking forever.

You have to pay cash. Yeah. You've been there before. You have to pay cash. They don't have credit card machines. Fuck you. Cash. And they got this fucking brisket sandwich, dude.

and they got this fucking brisket sandwich, dude. It's a barbecued brisket with mashed potatoes in the sandwich. There's a layer of mashed potatoes and a layer of this mouth-watering brisket and it's all in together and it's a giant ass. Dude, I'll take you there after this. You're going to shit your pants. I ate it. I ate it. I ate it two days ago, and I've had irregular shits ever since then. I am so

backed up. And it's all from this thing. It's giant. It weighs 13 pounds. It's the biggest sandwich you've ever eaten. Tremendous. I shit green, like fluorescent green today, and the only thing I could think of was the mushrooms. AIDS. The mushrooms. No, bro. That's Hulk AIDS. My shit's tripped. You're Hulk AIDS, bro.

You know what's weird? Never mind. I don't want to talk about that. The fuck, Brian? Talk about Hulk AIDS. I shroomed you. I shroomed for my first time in like seven or eight years. I shroomed you two days ago.

Beautiful. Can you call me? Can you get some? I can get shroomed. What the fuck? Are we not on the internet, you cunts? Jesus Christ. You guys are going to get raided?

No, we're not going to get any mushrooms. We're talking shiitake. Yeah. We're talking shiitake. You fucking guys are a little too casual You excited about this weekend in New York? Fuck yeah Yeah I'm excited about New York

Excited to do Opie and Anthony I'm excited to do the weigh-ins Can't wait to do the shows at Gotham Excited about everything man You know I'm sorry I missed you It was just that I didn't want to ask you Oh it's okay

I didn't really know And they gave me the Rock Chester week When I was there last year. And all of a sudden I see the UFC is back this year, so I didn't want to leave for 10 days in a row and ask you. Yeah, no, I understand. No, no worries, man, no worries. And then I said, fuck it, because I wanted to go back,

but I didn't want to go back because it's going to be busy in the next couple weeks. And it's weird because I was telling you that day I'm going to visit a buddy of mine, and I wanted to tell you this story just so you didn't know. In 83, you know, I'm going to visit a buddy of mine, and I wanted to tell you this story, just so you didn't know. In 83, you know, I was a fucked up kid, and I was at a bar one night, and this kid came in, and I knew his whole family. I knew his younger brothers. And this kid had gone

to the Air Force Academy, where you had won. You got on the train or something once? No, I went to the Olympic training center. And his other brother went to Brown, and we used to go visit his brother, and his brother used to be there when Kennedy was on campus. They were in the same fucking thing. So we would go up there and watch Jackie O come to the campus.

And people would throw shit at her and call her a Jackie O, you cunt. It was fucking crazy. But just to get back to the story, I wanted to get out of Jersey. You know, I wasn't doing the right thing, you know. And he came to me. He's like, you know, I got a place in Colorado if you want to come. He goes, we'll buy a car and drive out. And I was like, I'll give you the money for the car But I wanted to rob this dude

Right. I wanted to rob this drug dealer. I used to hide three kilos They used to deliver three kilos a month to his to his building and he would hide it in his parking garage So somebody slipped one night at a party and said that his buddy got three kilos delivered And he didn't want to put the coke in his house So I was my plan was to rob the kilos. Now at the time, I used to deal with a loan shark all the time. And he wasn't my friend, but I knew him for years. And I was trying to set him up too.

I would make him payments every week. So what I was going to do is rob the drug dealers, give him the five grand I owed him, wait 10 days, and then hit him for 50 and then take off to Colorado and buy a house or whatever I was going to do, right? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I got lost. Oh, dog, I used to be the real deal. I've been trying to tell you this for years.

So you were going to pay him back and then rob him. I was going to pay him back. I used to borrow from this guy constantly. For years, he owned a bar. He was a mob guy. We used to borrow from him constantly, constantly. Like, you'd fucking borrow 500 for 750. So that was 10 weeks to $75 a week.

So people would come to me and say, bro, I'm in a bind with George. I'm in a bind. Can you get me money from George? And I would borrow it and I'd get a point every week. So I was lending out money. So altogether, my bill was $6,000 with him. But it was people that were paying the guy. Do you understand?

That's a weird thing, like lending money. Oh, it's amazing. That's an East Coast thing, isn't it? This is huge. This is huge. It That's an East Coast thing, isn't it? This is huge. This is huge. It's not an East Coast thing. Is it? Everybody loans sharks. There's loan sharks in Ohio? Banks are loan sharks. Banks are loan sharks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

41%. It's a loan shark. No, you're right. Some people have a car business and they really, they're in a bind. They're legit people, but they want to buy 10 cars and they don't have the cash on them. But you know what? God damn, could you imagine if there was no banks? How much it would suck if you had to carry all your money around with you? Oh, no, it sucks.

What if you had gold? What if you were worth like $50,000 in gold? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm carrying the fucking sack and there I come with a horse and stab me in the fucking back. Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck? That's when people used to like hole up money and dig holes in the dirt and bury shit. Yeah. That's why they did because they couldn't carry it all. It's stupid. I wonder how much money is buried still. Whatever banks cost, they're worth it.

Even when they rip everybody off. God, it would suck if there was no banks. If there was no banks, where's the money? Right. The problem with money is it doesn't really mean anything anymore. It's not like this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold.

It's not based on gold anymore. It's not like this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold. It's not based on gold anymore. It's based on confidence. You have to believe in the money. It's silly. That's crazy. That's why everyone should just spend it as fast as possible. It doesn't make sense. I mean, gold makes no sense anyway. I mean, even if you get to that, I mean, the fact that everybody was into gold. The only thing that makes sense about gold is that I guess it's rare, you know? You can't just have it.

You can't just, like, say, look, I've got millions of dollars because it's everywhere. You just go out in the woods and cut it down. That's hard to get. But what the fuck, man? There's got to be a better way. Fuck the fucking gold. Right away, you're poor reveal with gold. Who's talking about fucking gold? It's fascinating, man.

Fuck gold. Money's fascinating. It's $800 a fucking ounce right now. So you're ripping people off gold. Who's talking about fucking gold? It's fascinating, man. Fuck gold. Money's fascinating. It's $800 a fucking ounce right now. So you're ripping people off. So I'm not ripping nobody off. I'm going to set this guy up because I wanted a new life in Colorado. So we're going to rob this drug dealer. I was going to take that money, pay the loan shark off, wait 10 days and go, hey, I got

a line on a kilo of coke. I need $50,000. He would probably get me 30 and I was going to move to Colorado and buy property and whatever the fuck I was into. And why didn't you think he was going to go after you? Because they don't. They don't go outside fucking New York City. That's only in the movies, these fucking ball runs.

These guys go to Miami, and they're scared. You know what I'm saying? You know the people you grew up with in Boston. Where do they go? They go to fucking whatever, the fucking pigeon place in Boston in the summer, and anything out of that area, their comfort zone, they're a fucking freak, bro. They can't take it. You know, the mob really

lost a lot of credibility when Sammy the Bull Gravano got away with everything. Everybody lost credibility. That was the most ridiculous thing. I was like, I thought they were for sure was going to kill that guy, right? That's what happens. You can't be a rat. He walked the Don up. Whoa, there must be people coming after him. That's when

you realize, whoa, this is not the organized thing that appears to be on television. You know who was going to kill Sammy the Bull? Who? Chicago cops were putting together to murder Sammy the Bull. Really? To make money? Yeah.

How much was the money? I have no idea. But they knew that there was a contract out on them. And Chicago cops are going to go down there and blast them. That's how crazy it is. Man, to be a dirty cop, man, you've got to really take a chance. You've got to really put yourself out there. You know? And to get a bunch of other dirty cops together,

you've got to assume that you're all going to keep your mouth shut. But it happens all the time, man. All the time. They're always busting cops. There's just too much power. Too much temptation. I've searched before. There's tons of dirty cops on Craigslist.

Oh, Brian. He stumbled on that one, too. So excited to get it out. I know. I just thought it was good. I thought it was good. You know, it's crazy, man, because after a cop is a cop, you know, I can just imagine being living all your life to protect your country and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And also, one day, you actually, to be a cop, you have to have a certain gene. You really want to help people. You really have to genuinely help people because it's $30,000 a year. Or it's just you want the job. Right. Some people just want the job because it's $30,000 a year. Or it's just you want the job. Right. Some people just want the job. It's $30,000 a year. I think it's more than that.

It's $38,000 to start. Is that all it is? You got to walk a beat and carry a gun and people shoot at you. None of these cops are getting fucking rich. You got to be a cop for years and become a detective and a first grad. And how much can a detective make? $70,000, $80,000, maybe $100,000. A commander chief, $150,000. I 100,000, a commander chief,

150,000, I don't know, but I don't think a lot. That's why there's dirty fucking cops. That's why one day they go, what the fuck am I doing? I have three kids. Take a little here, take a little there. You know, I'm making 38,000 a fucking year, you know, and this guy wants to give me 5,000 so I don't bust his bookmaking operation on the corner.

Who the fuck are they bothering? You know, that's how it starts, bro. And I guess it's like we were talking about the other day. You had Andy Dick on. And he said that sometimes when you're doing a bad show, you're so upset with yourself that you resort to doing. You know, you're just not happy with the present condition of your life. It must happen for a cop, too. It's fucking tough being a cop every night.

And at the end of the day, you go home at 8 in the morning after a 12-hour shift. And you're making 40 fucking grand a year and people are shooting at you and you gotta be out there in the rain and, you know, nobody, you know, it's funny because only on TV are people nice to cops. Right. You know, cops put up with a lot of shit. They do. On the other end, you know, people like me, I was a criminal

so I'm always a gentleman to cops. I don't want them fighting that warrant. So I'm as nice as honey. I'm as nice as, you know what I'm saying? But there's people out there that have a little money or think that bad to the bone. They're like, what are you pulling me over for, bitch? You're getting a ticket, motherfucker, for opening up like that. An officer, was I doing something wrong? Yeah, listen, they're there because there's a lot of people that are fucking crazy.

And you need some protection from those people. You need somebody pulling them over when they're weaving in between lanes. You need someone tackling them when they're ready to shoot people in a fucking mall. You need cops. People that don't think you need cops are crazy. All these anarchist talk. The older I got and the wiser you get, I give my life to teachers, cops, anybody who's a public servant. You know, all last week we're talking about this fucking mutt, Charlie Sheen, who's basically a fucking rich junkie.

If you come down to it, that's just sitting there talking shit. Do you have the balls to get on a plane right now and go to Japan and help those fucking people? Nobody talks about those fucking people. Nobody listens to a fucking doctor. If a doctor did a fucking podcast today and tried to tell you how to stay fucking healthy, you think

he'd get the views you get? Or this fucking Momo Charlie Sheen? No! Dr. Oz is a handsome man. Think about that. Think about our fucking society. Those guys are over in Japan right now picking up fucking walls. There's kids under there

yelling and screaming. They'll see things we wouldn't even imagine seeing in a lifetime. Those guys are going to come back and next week they'll have another disaster in Venezuela or in Oregon and those guys will never get, not even a fucking thank you. You know, that's always killed me. I can never be a public servant.

I'm too much of a fucking piece of shit. There's people out there that are just, that's what they live for, you know, and they really believe in it. Bro, the day after that earthquake, think how many people just got on a plane and they just came back from somewhere else. Where was there an earthquake? They just got back from a fucking earthquake. No, no.

New Zealand. New Zealand. With the church and all that shit. There's a lot of goddamn earthquakes lately. We'll fucking do. We're sitting here like pigeons on a pond. I don't know what the fuck we're doing here. Giggling with a cannon.

Like a bunch of fucking momos. We're next. It's either going to be San Francisco or we're going to Dubai some more time. And then we'll fucking next. That's why we need to go to fucking Texas. When shit goes down, Texas is the best place to live. At least all the guns are going to come out and shit. But think about all that shit last

week with these people. Think about what it takes to go over there right now. What are those people getting paid to get on a plane and go help those Japanese people? That's a good question. I turn down $50 fucking gigs if I got to drive an hour. These motherfuckers are going over there. Think about that, bro.

What can they even do right now? Right now what they have to do is figure out how to deal with those nuclear reactors. Yeah, you're walking into a nuclear reactor place to help fucking people. You have no idea who they are. But people in this country give a Frenchman's fuck about that miserable cocksucker Charlie Sheen. That's what I understand about this society. I think no one cares about Charlie Sheen anymore. I think it's over.

Yeah, it's fucking over. It feels like it's over. So last week. What the fuck? Who gives a fuck? It's really quick. It burned out quick. I got tired of it.

I loved it for a couple days. Now you're waiting for the call like Belushi. That's what you're doing now. The Ustream video killed it for me, I think. Yeah, me too. The first one, when the guy was playing the fart noises, I'm like, whoa, these are the people he's hanging out with? That's what he took.

Are you believing that shit? Those are coke people. Those coke people he's hanging out with? That's what he talked. Are you believing that shit? Those are coke people. Those coke people are idiots. You know, that's what it is. Coke people are these weird fucking selfish, indulgent, self-destructive people. They're not fun to hang out with. There's no cool conversation. I did it for 30 fucking years.

And for the first 10, I did it with people because it was fun. You know how it's fun. Oh, my God. Let's do it. Oh, that's great. After that, I became this person that was inside. I couldn't be out with people. But I never hung out with those guys.

I didn't like it. I can't listen to people when they're doing coke. I want to kill them. That's why after a while, you can't even take chicks home because all you want them to do is suck your dick. I got to listen to this fucking story again. There's a line. Snort it.

Suck them fucking nuts. Well, what everybody likes about this whole Charlie Sheen thing is that this guy is saying, you know, fuck it. I'm just going to have fun, this is what I do, this is how I roll, you know, you don't like it, fuck you, I'm a rock star, and, you know, that he's like, got this crazy confidence in

everything he's doing, you know, winning, you know, next, and everybody wants to be able to think like that, everybody wants to be able to, you know, like people that are struggling and they're going through some shitty job, like, god damn, how badass would it be to be fucking Charlie Sheen right now? You know, it's really funny because you said something to me after the Vegas show. You took me aside and you're like, yeah, Joey, you know, you're standing up.

I can see you're working on it or whatever the fuck you had to say to me. Well, the coke was doing the same thing to my fucking stand up. Instead of writing jokes, all I used to say was, fuck it. I'm Joey Diaz. I can bang it 50%. I can go up there and lie to you, bro. Drugs, coke, cigarettes, they lie to you. This idiot's buying into some Colombian fucking thing.

Well, I'm not saying he's on the money, but I am saying that if he didn't die this way, what, is he going to live forever and cure cancer? What the fuck difference does it make? I mean, the only thing that's sad and tragic is his kids are going to miss him. But you know what? I mean, what is he doing? What does he want to do with himself? This is what he wants to do. He wants a fucking party. I don't think you should

stop him. Oh, no. Are you kidding me, Joe Rogan? That's so weak. I swore I thought it was off. It's alright. Nobody important. It's alright. It happens sometimes. I made the mistakes to a call. Of course it's Sussman. That's my man.

So, yeah, shrooming, man man was fucking amazing. Did you have a great... It was visual. It was to the point where the person I was with, I could see their energy flowing through their skin. And then we went outside and the stars were going crazy. And then shadows looked like they had texture.

It was fucking amazing. How many hours did you trip for? Four good hours. Any diarrhea or anything from the mushrooms? Just bright green shit today. That's what kills me. I used to trip while I was... I used to get the diarrhea while I was on the mushrooms.

Me too. That last time. That's why I haven't done it in seven years. When I lived in Colorado, I'd eat a mushroom and ten minutes later I'm in the shitter trying to figure out how many trees they cut. But have you done it the tea way before? That seemed like it was so much easier on your stomach. It didn't have any problem. The tea is fucking great.

I've done the tea for concerts. It's great. I've had the Amanita Muscaria tea. What's that? And how was that? That's the mushroom that they believe is responsible for Christianity. That's that crazy red and white mushroom that looks like Santa Claus. Is it like a mushroom mushroom?

I mean a psychedelic mushroom? Yeah, it's a psychedelic mushroom, but it's a different sort of a psychedelic. It's very weird. I don't know if what I got was good stuff it was it was very strange and then doug and i did it and the day we did it was the day the war broke out 9-11 yeah yeah the day we went to war and uh we decided to go this dude yon's house you know yon shut your shit up bro that's you son anyway we go to this kid uh y's house, and he lives out in the middle of the desert. It's a weird fucking town out in like Palmdale area or something.

Not there, but one of those towns where you're like, what the fuck? Who's out here? What are you doing out here? And we get blitzkrieged on mushrooms out there. And then we watched the news. And the news, I'll never forget this. I've talked about this before. Doug Stanhope said, the guy goes on, he goes,

war coverage begins at five. And Stanhope goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff. And we are shroomed to the gills to the point where everything I see, I shouldn't be social. I should have been alone in the room, closing my eyes, lying on my back. I saw the fabric of the universe as I was walking.

Everything was a pattern. In front of me, it was all really intense, complex geometrics. It was like the covering of the walls, like wallpaper or doors or anything. All that stuff became transparent. And you could see literally the structure of the universe through everything right it was we were fucked i mean we were gone and and the fucking war coverage starts and it was so strange that's crazy i couldn't imagine that it was so bizarre man just didn't seem real it's like it's 2000 and whatever the fuck it was back then two

three and i was like this is how we're rocking it this is how we're rocking it we're just gonna what the fuck that probably fucked you up somehow you know i don't know it's probably like burnt into your mind because mushrooms with 9-11 that's insane because 9-11 was crazy for everybody because that was something they never saw ever you saw it in a psychedelic way. No, the war. No, the war going off. Not 9-11. It's all 9-11. Who the fuck was...

I wish I would have had muscles for the plane going through. You remember when we were hanging out on 9-11? Yeah, you came right down. It was interesting. We went over to Mike Faberman's house. It was Eddie and Ralphie and Joey. It was an interesting fucking day

because, boy, the shit had went down. And we went to Baja Fresh and we had some burritos. And we were just sitting there and shooting the shit had went down and we went to baja fresh and we had some burritos and we were just sitting there and shooting the shit and just talking and not a fucking plane in the sky that was one of the weirdest things when they shut down all the flights not a plane in the sky speaking of favor man he has a new book out and he's been actually doing really yeah tour like the morning show tour all around the country and stuff him and his other yeah it's a cookbook and he writes it for camping uh for like like gourmet food while you're camping and stuff or outside.

I have never eaten Faberman's food, but I hear he's a bad motherfucker. He's got great chicken, man. This chicken, I don't know what he puts on it, but it's crazy because I did a, I hit a windowpane acid one night when I was a sophomore. Why do they call it windowpane acid? Because it was like a clear acid. It looked like a piece of glass. So I did it one night, and the people I was with, the one guy I was with, freaked out.

It was a Monday night football game, and he goes, bro, I got to go home. I'm like, all right, fuck it, go home. I guess I'll trip solo. So I went, and I go, I know how to call for a buddy of mine. I knock on his door, and his dad answers. He's like, Joey, come on in. I'm like, Mr. Bender, I came. Ah, come on in and have a soda. Wait for him. He should be back from the

gym or something. So I sit down and I'm sitting there tripping my ass off watching fucking Monday Night Football with him and he's telling me about the stats of the game. It was a jet game. And I'm sitting there and it's dark. He watched the TV in the dark and all of a sudden Howard Cosell comes on and he goes

I'd like to report something John Lennon has just been shot in front of the Dakotas and here I am tripping on this fucking acid and I'm flying by this time and he's watching TV in the darkness and he's talking about, and I'm thinking about John Lennon getting shot, reports are coming in

he just got shot in the Dakota we'll keep you posted. Oh, my God, America, I have a sad former Beatle. And he just went into the speech. You could hear it on YouTube. But I'll never forget sitting there thinking to myself, you know, because when you're tripping, you really can't comprehend the thought. They go through you.

It's like John Lennon got shot and they shoot the other Beatles. Well, I hope they shot Elvis. It just keeps fucking going. And you can't stop these fucking thoughts. But that was what happened to me that day. I just went over there to call for Brian. And he's like, Brian's playing at his league, but if you want to sit and watch the game.

It's weird when you remember when people died, the jolt. What is it about memory that some memories are so much more potent than others? Some memories just stay forever. They're just locked in and you just don't get rid of them. You remember where you were sitting. You remember what the room looked like, or you think you remember what the room looked like. I bet it would be a little bit different if you actually saw it in real life. But when people died, like I remember I was at my girlfriend's house when I was like 18 and the space shuttle challenger blew up and I watched it blow up on. And I didn't realize what had happened while I was flying through the air. I'm not sure if I saw a replay of it or if I saw it live.

But I didn't know what was happening. And then it blew up. And then I realized what they were showing. And then I had to turn the volume up. And I'm watching this. I'm like, holy shit. Like, it blew up in the sky. But, like, I can see the carpet.

I can see the walls of her room. I mean, I can see the whole thing. I remember everything. It's like it's locked in on me. What is that? Why? How come? I mean, is it just we not have enough capacity to remember shit like that all the time?

I don't know if it's that or what, because sometimes that kind of shit pops out of nowhere, though. Like, it wasn't deleted. Like, oh, my God, I forgot all about that. And, like, all these memories come rushing in like out of nowhere. So it almost makes you wonder if there is a drug or something that could just open all the doors. And open all the memory and give you access to all your files. I've been taking this 5-HTP. What is that shit from GNC where it's supposed to be pumping more serotonin and stuff like that?

Does it work? I've been only taking it for a week, but immediately I already find my mind working better in memory. Really? Yeah, in happiness. I feel like more, of course, there's other reasons too probably. Well, you know, Chris and I are coming up with a supplement line. We're going to figure out all the best shit.

We're working on it right now. He is working on it. We're going to have pills where it's all of the best vitamins for mental function. Throw that shit in there. Throw that shit in there if you can. 5-HTTP. You know what I'm talking about? I've never done it before.

But you know what I'm talking about, right? I take a bunch of different stuff, but that's not one of them. I'll tell you what exercises me is when I really write about a situation. When I sit down and I go, okay, today I'm going to write about the time I tried out for freshman football. And even though I had no fucking idea about it. And then the memories come back to you? And that, everything. Everything in that genre.

Everything in that genre that maybe had to do with it. Music. Music when we're driving sparks. Nobody here ever gets teary-eyed in the car. You hear a song, man. My buddy Johnny B, my best friend who died, whenever I hear Van Morrison, Marvelous Night for a Moondance,

that was like his song. We would go to the diner. These diners, you know, in New York, a lot of them are open 24 hours a day. And they have this thing here like this that you spin around

a little bit. Yeah, and they had the fucking thing where you could pick the songs to listen to. And you put a couple quarters in there and you could play songs at your table. Yeah, you have like

little shitty tinny speakers. And we'd be eating cheeseburger deluxes at three o'clock in the morning after playing pool and he would play moon dance so now it doesn't matter where i am i was in germany i was in germany in the hotel and it's playing in the lobby marvelous night for a moon dance and i'm like mom so you just think about that dude things in there, man. But you know what doesn't get stuck in there? My act. You know, my old material? Shit. When some of the people, like, yell out at a show, like, I've had that a bunch of times,

especially when I was doing the Q&A, which I haven't been doing recently, because I'm trying to do more like a tighter, hard hour set. I like the tighter. I do, too. You know, I thought of that after I saw Norton. I saw Norton in Austin and killed. He had a great set. And he only did like 50 minutes.

And I thought about it. I'm like, man, that's all you need to do. These hour and a half sets that I'm doing, two-hour sets, and a lot of it is just Q&A. Some people like it, but some people feel obligated to stick around. It's just like it's too much attention that you're asking for. Well, if you get 50, tell them your show is over and then do the Q a maybe i'm gonna figure out another way to do q a maybe uh do uh a night where it's just q a where it's not you know no make it real cheap you know just to pay for the room and make it so that like one night maybe there's not a stand-up show it's a q a show

because it's like it's it's a little indulgent but anyway my point is when people who yell out shit and they yell out you know do this bit bit, do Noah's Ark or something like that, man, I fucking forget a lot of them. If you yelled out Anna Nicole Smith, it's one of my best bits ever. But if I go back and try to figure out how to do it now, I'll fuck it up. You did Noah's Ark pretty good the other day. I saw you pull that out. It's because I was baked as Jesus.

I was Jesus on an asteroid. I even forgot it. I can't believe I remembered it. Because that was the first time I had done it in years. And this guy asked for it. I was Jesus on an asteroid. I even forgot it. I can't believe I remembered it because that was the first time I had done it in years. And this guy asked for it. I was like, wow, I don't even know if I can do this. But I did it and closed with it. But that was a mistake in Vegas, too, to do a Q&A in front

of 2,000 fucking people. There's just too many people. There's too many people yelling shit out. If I was going to do something like that, I had to do it with microphones. Have a little line like we did in Columbus when we did the DVD. When is UFC coming back to Columbus? Are they ever going to come? I don't think we are.

I mean, maybe in the future. But they just did Strikeforce, did the last Columbus show. The Arnold was just two weeks ago. Yeah. That was always a cool weekend. You had the Arnold show. Fuck yeah, it was awesome. Yeah, that's why I did my special.

I love Columbus. Funny Bone's a good club. Funny Bone's great. They had the theater that I did my special. I love Columbus. Funny Bone's a good club. That's a good club. Funny Bone's great. The theater that I did too was, what was it called again? The Southern Theater? Yeah. The theater that we filmed the special in, Mae West used to perform there. And fucking Groucho Marx. Wow. Oh no, no, no. Not Groucho Marx.

W.C. Fields. W.C. Fields and Mae West performed there. Wow. What the fuck man? That's some history. That's amazing. Imagine trying to be an actor back then. How fucking tough it must have been. I mean, shit. There's no internet. I mean, you've got to get picked to do things.

You've got to get picked. The studio has to choose you. That's probably... There must have been so much chicanery going on back then. What's that? Chicanery. Like, inappropriate behavior. It was different then. What's that? Chicanery. Like inappropriate behavior. It was different then.

It was unappropriate. I like how you throw out words like an African. Sometimes you're like, the max of the patient, cocks some lations. Oh, like an African person? You use really huge words

sometimes. I'm like, what? Not huge. Chicanery is not really a big word. That's not even an intelligent word. It's a silly word.

I think it's like a slang term yeah but that's way different in the vocabulary than I but Joey do you know what that word was

no all I'm trying to say some words you don't need get drunk with it I don't know I remember what the fuck I was trying to say we're trying to say

about how hard it was and it's so weird because if you talk to people from them like even if Hollywood was different then They'd move you out here and you'd... And you'd suck everyone's dick.

And then they'd give you a script and a loaf of bread. They gave you a paycheck every week and you just got to sign different films. All those guys that you see from the 60s and 50s that were here, they all lived in Burbank. Burbank, all those houses that looked the same and shit. You remember all those movies about

JFK? They always had those blondes that were with JFK that were sort of semi-disposable. They would always be hanging around, but they never really addressed them. Right. That's like 90% of what came to Hollywood. People came here, lost, looking to stick. Some people

stuck. The people that did stick, all the other people said, look, they stuck. They're still still they they stuck they're still there they're famous and they get sucked into the system and wind up being one of those little quiet girls on jfk's arm yeah that still happens today huh fuck yeah it does that's this is it man this is the land of dreams this is the strangest fucking place on earth. This is the place where you go to maximize how many people who know who you are. What? Yeah. You can make a living just on that now.

You got to suck a little dick and do something where people pay attention to you on the internet like Kim Kardashian. But basically she started out blowing her boyfriend and fucking him on the internet in videos. Obviously produced videos, you know. Obviously produced. Oh, absolutely. And then she's fucking huge now. Obviously produced videos, you know? Obviously produced. Oh, absolutely. And then she's fucking... He's just got perfume at Macy's now. She's signing perfume bottles at Macy's.

The bitch got a song. I was in Australia, and there was a fucking billboard with Kim Kardashian on it in Australia. She goes around the world. Well, good for her. Good for her. Yeah, I mean, whatever.

I mean, she's not... She charges the tweets. I ain't babying. This is America to land the opportunity, dog. Yeah, there's nothing wrong. She charges the tweets. She's not an American Atlanta opportunity dog. Yeah, there's nothing wrong. But it's fascinating that this is the spot where all this goes down. This is the spot where everybody comes to make something happen, comes to get some attention.

There's a lot of people that fall through the cracks. There's a lot of victims in this fucking town. How many people have come and gone since you've been here? A lot. Have you ever gotten Facebook and said, hey, can I meet you? And you're like, what the fuck happened to that guy? Because I forget about half the people that came. I moved to upstate New York.

I used to fly fishing. Remember Laszlo? Laszlo. He used to hang out at the comedy store all the time a long time ago. Laszlo. He moved to Florida. Anyway, never mind. He's somebody that just slipped away.

We used to talk to him every week. Why do I not remember that guy? I don't remember what he looked like, but I remember the name. What was the talent coordinator when we first got to the store? Scott Day. He hits me up. He's like in fucking Jerusalem. This is Jerusalem.

He's walking through Europe right now. You know how many people have come and gone that had big plans and deals? I got 19 scripts, and I met with Pacino last week. These motherfuckers are gone, Jack. We've seen a lot of that happen. Selling fucking real estate. I got an email last week on my regular email from some dude. And I call him back and I'm like, hey, how you doing?

He was my first manager. Whoa. And his family was filthy rich. And he went back to sell real estate. He's like, hey, man, I'm just calling you because I'm opening up comedy clubs again. What happened to real estate? He goes, the bottom fell out. But it's amazing that I forgot all about that fucking dude.

That was 10 fucking years ago. Yeah, some people just decide it's not for them. Some people, it's just too much stress. That we were friends with, that one day disappeared. But we were friends. How many friends have we had that gone? How many people come to the store? How many people with talent?

People that came to the store and said, I got a script I just sold, and you got, boom, a year later, they're like, oh, no, I'm doing radio in Wisconsin. What the fuck? You were just selling the script at Paramount. It's amazing how many people come and go through here and get spit up.

Dude, there's so many. How about guys with talent? How about Mike Ricka? Huh? How about Mike Ricka? Mike Ricka, when I started out in 1994, Mike Ricka was a funny fucking comic. He's still a funny guy when I talk to him on the phone. I'm sure.

When I saw Mike Ricka at the store, I remember thinking we were probably around the same age or something, and I remember thinking, this fucking guy's going to be huge. This guy's funny. He's funny. He's confident up there. He already had an article written about him. When I went to the store, there was an article that was framed in the lobby, like a little article about Mike Ricka.

And I think, this guy's going to fucking take off. But for whatever fucking reason, the pieces don't fall in the right order. You know? It's just amazing. It's just amazing. It's a weird fucking town. Chelsea Hanlon was up there with us from day one. She's going gangbusters now, that crazy bitch.

Look at her. She's got like sitcoms and she's got her own fucking show, like a reality show about her show. So she's got her show and then she's got a reality show about herself. Good for her. I hope she's the white drunk Oprah. That's what I hope. Good for her. You know who I heard was on that reality show about her so good for her i hope she's the white drunk oprah that's what i hope good for her you know who i heard was on that reality show about chelsea uh the girl from denver the assistant oh really awesome she's one of the characters yeah she's a girl from denver remember the assistant that used to always drive us around uh for the comedy works yeah i do

remember but why am i blanking on her name? Eve. Eve. Eva. Eva. Eva. Jesus Christ. Yeah, she's awesome. She works for Chelsea Handler now.

Yeah, you know, I'm always happy when someone figures out a way to make it through the crazy net, like the salmon ladder or whatever the fuck it is, to get to the top. I'm always fascinated. It's really weird. The people that I thought were going to be fucking stars, they came in. How about people like Dane Cook? I would have never guessed that Dane Cook would have hit the way he hit. No disrespect. I mean, I couldn't believe that he...

Dude, you knew that he was going to get that big? I knew it by one conversation we had after he went to the lap stop. Really? In front of the lap factory, I said to him, what did you think of the lab stop? And he goes, bro, it was good, but it was too much fucking work. I got to figure out how to narrow it into one night. And I knew right there after that, that was a year before he hit a two. Doing a whole month.

That was before he started with colleges. Yeah, he was like, that's just bullshit. That's just garbage. So you knew he was going to be that huge, though? How could you have predicted that? I just had a feeling. You just had, all the arrows were pointed at him. I didn't know he was going to sell out Madison Square Garden.

Twice. And do a fucking, that, no. You know, he's the first guy that ever figured out how to really connect with people over the internet. You know, that guy still, to this day, he's constantly answering emails, constantly connecting with people, uses that Say Now thing, gets on that, gets on Twitter. That's why there's Twitter. That's why there's Facebook for people to connect with these guys. That's why there's this podcast.

I mean, we started out this podcast, Brian and I were just sitting in front of a laptop with fucking snow falling. Remember we had gay visual effects? Let's try snowflakes. Okay, let's try rain. Let's have a spinning apple. Yeah, it's amazing. Let's go black and red in this economy and what's going on right now. You could do stand up, you know, all the time, but you need to open up different doors for yourself. And this is where this comes in the podcast. Well, you know, definitely when you know where

the podcast really comes in, it comes in for everybody else. It comes in for all these other people that don't have people like us around them. It sounds arrogant, but there's a lot of people out there that live in shitty neighborhoods and they have dumb friends and they don't have anybody to really connect with where they feel like these people are also growing along with them. They're all growing together. There's a lot of people that don't have that. They just don't. It's not available. So this podcast gives them an alternative way to look at things, gives them a way to see how

all of us in our own lives are overcoming adversity and dealing with situations and being honest about ourselves and honest about our friends and honest about life. And, you know, and that's inspires an ethic and that, that inspires other people to be like-minded and that's where it helps. It helps everybody. It doesn't just help like fill comedy clubs and, you know, get people to be like-minded. And that's where it helps. It helps everybody. It doesn't just help fill comedy clubs and get people to buy your book or get people to come see you in Rochester. It also helps them. This shit all helps everybody.

Well, I'll tell you what. When I really got into this and when I came on your podcast, and as you know, people always ask me when I'm going to come on your podcast. For me, bro, I've always hated radio. If you've noticed on the road, I don't show up for radio. Yeah, you don't.

You don't like to do it. I don't want to hear that shit. I don't want to hear about you promoting. I want to hear about you talking. And that's what the Podcast Avenue has done for all of us. That's why there's people who come here and do well on your podcast. And there's people who come up here and want to sell jokes and a date. I don't want to sell Rochester.

I don't want to sell the other place. I came up here to open up about what's on my mind today or weekly. I don't come here. That's why I don't like doing this shit. That's why I didn't like doing radio. So tell us why you don't like flying. And I got to go into a joke like Comics Unleashed. Go fuck yourself.

I want to be me, dog. I want to talk about the loan shark I was going to beat. That's what this entails. That's why I hate radio. That's why I hate going down there with these fucking fake MCs that try to be funny. Can you write down what lead-ins? When's the last time I came here and fucking a lead-in? Get the fuck out of my face.

Come in here and talk to us from the heart. And that's what a podcast is. And you see it in your podcast village. People come up and they try to force the funny and the podcast don't work. Don't force the fucking funny. And on the other end of it, I get emails and Twitter messages and Facebook messages from some really fucking cool

people. Some interesting people. You get something out of it when you connect with them. We're all getting something out of it. I was in San Diego at Moon Doggies and the nicest guy in the world, Mike Maxwell, Art.com, he drew a picture of Charles Bronson for me. He sent it to me in the mail. This is fucking beautiful with him with his hat. And we've.com. He drew a picture of Charles Bronson for me. Wow. He sent it to me in the mail.

This is fucking beautiful with him with his hat. And we've become friends. Like, he shows up to the gigs in San Diego. We smoked a bone of OG last night out of the lot. And it was just great to connect with somebody. I mean, listen, there's good and bad on Twitter and whatever. There's people who try to be cute and try to insult you. But deep down inside, especially with the podcast,

I've always tried to put myself in this way. So if you don't like people mugging fucking faggots, don't listen to me and don't come to my fucking show. This is what I did and this is who I am now. Let's work it out or go fuck yourself. And a lot of people like the honesty and they come out. And you know what? If you come out, I always talk to you. I don't like smoking

dope with everybody because next thing you know, you're out of your mind on the way home. You smoked 80 joints if you smoked with everybody. But I like meeting people. This is part of this fucking business, you know? It's interesting. The connection between human beings is becoming, you know, it's becoming more and more expansive, you know?

It's like you have like a network of people that you interact with now and you can just develop a really cool network and only be around really cool people for the most part. Like, Twitter, overwhelmingly, I've got like 280-something thousand people on there now, overwhelmingly nice, overwhelmingly. It's very rare that someone will say something douchey to me on Twitter. When they do, you just block them.

You just click a link, bink, block. It's really simple, and then you don't have to deal with that guy anymore. And then you're nice to everybody and they're nice to you. And you try to fucking have a little exchange. Every day people are sending me cool shit on Twitter. Every day it's some new fucking thing on the earthquake or a new video of a tsunami or a new crazy monkey that they found in Liberia or whatever. You know what I mean? It's like every day there's some new fascinating shit.

It's a network unlike any other. You know what I mean? It's like every day there's some new fascinating shit. It's a network unlike any other. There's never been a time where you had so much access to interesting people and information and ideas. Never. You know, when we were kids and we liked a band, there was none of this. We knew them from the album covers and the sleeve of an album.

And when we paid for their tickets or an interview on television, nobody ever got this personal and this down and dirty with people. No. And this is why I with people never no this is this is right and i and this is why i do these things this is why i come up here with you guys i do the podcast where they're not fake that's why people love you too i don't want to be that's why fake comedy guy dog that's not my bag i know that shit we're up here talking about what's in my heart and what's in my by the way i was thinking of you guys today not in a sexual way yeah but this morning i had to take a nap because I got home late last night. I went to the Y this morning.

I got home like 10. I had to take a nap. When I was in bed, I got like erotic, and I wanted to bang one out. So I banged one out, but it was on my bed, so I couldn't come because then my wife would know that I came on my side of the bed. So I'm like, what am I going to wipe this with? So I had a sock on. I went into like pigeon pose, and I took the sock off because I always hold the top of

the egg roll. Me too. So it doesn't slip. Me too. He thinks that's crazy. He never heard that before. I went into pigeon pose and i took the sock off and just because i always hold the top of the egg roll me too so it doesn't slow me too he thinks that's crazy he never heard that i went into pigeon pose i help you hold the top of the turtleneck so it doesn't blow up like a volcano right and i just came into the sock but then it was fucked up i threw the sock on the floor and i woke up and i went to put it on i'm like my sock wet i could take a fucking shower and shit like a pig both of yous have put on a sock we come on it. Don't sit there and go. Yeah.

So you pinch it too like at the top and keep it like a little pool like a kiddie pool. I'm uncircumcised. No. Oh, you're uncircumcised? Yes, it looks like a bowl.

Oh, all right. Let's not talk about it. It just loads up and I just go and it's like you're Spider-Man. You didn't know he's been talking

about being uncircumcised for a decade. I try to forget. It's like spoiler alert. Nope. Spoiler alert. Dis try to forget. It's like, spoiler alert, nope. Spoiler alert. Disgusting people. Have you ever thought about maybe getting it now?

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I want to do. I'm thinking about it now. I'm thinking about getting my dick cut at 50. For the last 22 years. What the fuck is wrong with you, Brian? At this point, who gives a fuck?

It's supposed to feel better when you have the skin over it. It fucking feels great. If I had A boy bro, I would absolutely not have them cut Most girls think it's disgusting fuck them tough shit They're all crazy bitches you're better off without them when my dick is swollen listen They're not gonna see my dick when it's dead They're gonna see it in full effect and just pull the skin back and all they see is down anyway

Can you like tie it in a knot or anything? There was a girl that used to, fuck I forgot her name, but she used to hang out with one of the girls at the comedy store and she was having a dilemma because she was dating a guy that for the first time was uncircumcised and she didn't like the way it felt in her mouth.

She was drinking and she was telling everybody I really like them But just don't It feels like Like skin in my mouth It probably feels like Those little rubber things

You know those Things that you try to hold But you can't hold it It's like a little rubber thing Filled with water It's like a toy And you Nevermind

No Brian If you would have known What it was So you really would cut your dick Just so girls would like it Like what if you were Unircumcised? I think it's fucking just gross looking.

I think it's dirty. How's it dirty? It looks like your dick with a condom on it. That's exactly what your dick looks like. If your dick is clean or it's not, wash it. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm going to put my skin back right now. You have more disease when you have that.

No, no. That's some propaganda using Africa. You have disease if you're a filthy motherfucker and if you fuck a chicken and wash it. It looks like an elephant trunk. You know, that's what that song Evil Boy is about. Yeah. Evil Boy is about they want to, like, there's a tradition

when they become a man, they go and circumcise him with a fucking rusty knife out in the woods. Wow. That's why it was like, you know, my dick's only for penis. My penis, brother, is only for girls. It's not for men, you know. What's this only for penis. My penis, brother, is only for girls. It's not for men. What's this? Evil Boy.

He's circumcised, though. D Antwoord. It's a great fucking song. You know, pull it up. Pull it up on YouTube. No, I don't want to hear that shit right now. Let's do it. You don't want to hear it?

It's good. It's a good goddamn song. But it's about the traditions of cutting people's skins off their dick. It's ridiculous. It's stupid. Did you notice, like, throughout that song, there's a lot of references to South Park? What? Kyle's mom's a big fat bitch.

Is that who it is? Yeah. It's Kyle's mom? Kyle's mom's a big fat bitch. Because that's what Park Hartman would say. Wow, I didn't even think of that. Kyle's mom's a big fat bitch. I didn't even realize that.

I thought she was talking about someone she knew. That's what I thought, too. But it's a South Park thing? I like them. See, look at that. Kids growing up in South Africa getting some South Park influence. Yeah. It's weird.

That is funny, though. Yeah. South Park just got the most reach ever. There's never been a show like that before. It's been on for this many years. It's still good. Do you ever watch it? Joey, it's strong. I watch never been a show like that before. It's been on for this many years and still good. Do you ever watch it? Joey, it's strong.

I watch it, but I'm an adult. You like Family Guy. I like Family Guy from time to time, but I won't sit there every night. What the fuck is wrong with you? You like Family Guy, but you won't watch South Park? It's not that I like it. It's that I watch it if I got 10 minutes.

Did you see Team America? No. You didn't see Team America. I wish I could do that. Listen, guys. I wish we could do that. Erase movies through your head. So you could re-watch it again?

Yeah. Wow. Interesting. My mom died when I was 14. I became a man at 14. There was no fucking games, dog. I played Monopoly two weeks ago. We're talking to a guy who smokes pot all day and plays with his cat.

Listen, though. He's talking about like he's a Navy SEAL out there with a knife in his mouth crawling through the desert. I've never played games. I don't even know how to play fucking cards, okay?

I don't have that time, that luxury. You can play pool. Because I went to my mom's bar and I was there. That's how I babysat myself by playing pool but I've never been

a cartoon guy like Popeye, dog. Once you're 18, you know, we grow up eventually. And, you know, you move on. It's cute. But you got to go out there.

It's a fucking man's world, like James Brown said. You know what I'm saying, dog? It is. That's why I'm happy about going to New York in the next four days. I'm going to hang out with men for a couple fucking days. Damn, you guys are going to be on the East Coast, and I'm going to die on the West Coast alone. There ain't no fucking Twitters. There ain't none of that shit.

I'm going to go hang out with my buddies like we're up with for a couple days, dog. It's a different place over there. Yeah. You know, you really realize it once you've lived here for a few years. And, you know, after a while, you get comfortable with wherever the fuck you are. But there's a different thing over there. There's just as many douchebags over here as over there. Oh, yeah.

There's douchebags everywhere. But they pretend to be nicer over here. Listen, bro, I got my people that I've known since I was a fucking kid that was in trouble. Those are the still people I hang out with 40 years later. I trust those people. What do you think it is, though, about people over there where there's, you know, everybody always uses the cliche, oh, they're real. People on the East Coast are real. What is that?

Is it the weather? Does the weather make them do that? People are real and fake fucking everywhere. I got fake motherfucking friends here and I got motherfuckers who get stabbed from me here, too. And I got the same back home. Right, but don't you think the percentage is higher in New York of real people? Because I do. Real people?

Yeah. I think there's more real people in the East Coast than there are here. I think there's a lot of silly fucks out here. I think the fucking goofy fucks come out here from the East Coast. There's a lot of that. These are the creative, artsy people. Yeah, but I mean, there's a lot of real people here too. I'm saying it's not, it's a generalization.

It's not like it's like one side is really, and people always try to play that card. East Coast is real, West Coast is fake. No, there's plenty of real people on the West Coast, too.

But I think the percentage out here. There's tons of little cunts in Manhattan. Manhattan's not what it used to be, dog. It's just like this sunset bullshit. Little young kids drinking water, drinking five-hour energy

like faggots. There's still dudes living in Jersey. I know what you're saying. Yeah, I don't want to see that shit. I stink Long Island. I think if you add it all up, there's still more real people on the other side. Oh, no, no. The suburbs is a ton of shit. I grew up with my buddies. I love my buddies. They were there

for me when I needed them the most, and they're still fucking there. You following me? I'm going home for five days to smoke some dope. I already flew it over there. It's flown already. They got an ounce of earthquake and an dope i already flew it over there it's flown already they got a ounce of earthquake and an ounce of fucking moon rocks over there and i'm taking a sour diesel with me i got i got a sativa now at the fucking nocc they got a god a sour diesel that's so fucking strong dog so i'm just going back to smoke dope are you worried at all about all this shit that's

happening are you worried at all about all these shit that's happening? Are you worried at all about all these fucking people in the Middle East that are trying to overthrow their government? All these different countries that are fighting off revolts. Fucking earthquakes. This is what 2012 is. Is it real? The end of the world is not coming. 2012 is, all this shit's gonna go somewhere.

This radiation's gonna leak. Where are these people gonna fucking go? This is all about adjustment. What's our next fucking move now after 212? We might not be able to drink the water ever again. There's something. Something's got to happen. How's that going to work? You know, we might not be able to.

What's going to happen there? We're going to have to all drink bottled water? Fucking half of the ocean is contaminated with the oil. Yeah, you take a shower. Not the shit in Japan. You know what you should do? You should just have a room where you just get a couple extra bottles like Arrowhead every week. Yeah, maybe.

But dude, if something really bad happens, you've got to get the fuck out of here. That's the reality. The reality is California is massively overpopulated. And everyone is playing musical chairs. And everyone is hoping that that fucking music doesn't stop on their watch. They're hoping that somehow or another they're safely in the backyard, not near any trees when the shit hits the fan. Just taking a guess. Just hoping.

Well, nothing's happened since 94. Yeah, but if you look over the course of human history, 94 is a blink of an eye. If you look over the course of the history of the world, it's not even that. There's a lot of shit that's going to happen to this place. This was not shaped like this. When you look out the window and you see those mountains, those didn't just, they weren't like made with a mold, right? That's the lava and the fucking ground moving and tectonic plates shifting.

And you know, there's, there's a reason why it's 12,000 fucking feet above sea level. That shit rocketed, you know, and over the course of who knows how long the changes. And we know that the entire Earth supposedly had one continent. That's the whole Pangea theory, that there was one continent, and they split up because of all sorts of different events and became Africa and North America. Some shit's happening. We just threw off our rotation a little bit from that last earthquake.

What the fuck is that going to happen? Japan moved eight feet. Yeah. The shore moved eight feet. Eight feet, nine feet. Dude, there's a divide somewhere out there, they said, that's 270 miles long and 50 miles wide, where the actual epicenter of the earthquake was. Wow. Like, what happened was beyond our comprehension and yet still nothing in comparison to shit that's happened before.

You know, they still don't know what the fuck stopped the Ice Age. You know, the ice age was just 10,000 years ago, which is nothing. 10,000 years ago, most of North America was under a mile high sheet of ice. Wrap your fucking head around that. Canada, ice. All the fucking North Dakota, South, that shit was a mile high of ice. Woolly mammoths were running around. Sabertooth tigers and shit. It was a totally different world just 10,000 years ago. What? That ain't global warming because of humans. What caused that?

What caused that radical change in the atmosphere? They don't know. What if it just keeps on getting hotter and hotter and it turns into a sun and the sun was like the last earth? That's stupid. They know more than that. This is like shit that you would say when you were 14 before you even went to any science classes. What if the earth becomes like a person?

Hey, stop polluting my water, man. It doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you that the earth, the next one is either here or Seattle. Oregon, yeah. It doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you that. This whole west coast. All we could do is either here or Seattle. New Oregon, yeah. Let's take a fucking genius and tell you that. Yeah. You know? This whole West Coast.

All we could do is pray for the best. Or Vancouver. It could be Vancouver. You bitches with iPhones, you better make sure that shit hooks up. Let's see if you got an app for your fucking earthquake. You know what I'm saying? They do have that. They do have that.

Yeah, right. Great apps for earthquake apps. Really? Yeah. They tell you where the earthquakes are. Great maps. It has notifications. When it's going to be here,

like 10 minutes before, call me, alright? Because that's the fucking app I need. You just need to get a dog and sit really close to him. And see if he digs a fucking trench. Ultimately, what can we do, though? Do we escape? Do we live like survivalists and move to the fucking Mojave and buy space

in one of those underground bunkers that you can... You want to probably go to the middle of the country. Do you, though? How do we know? North Texas, Austin, Texas. Well, what if that's where the fucking asteroid hits? Yeah, well... One thing about Texas is you know they're going to go down swinging.

Yeah. They're going to go down swinging. And it's most protected by land. This, that, this, that, the Mexicans. We're going down swinging. Well, I like Texas and I like Austin. I would totally be down with Texas. If they could just do something about

their fucking weed laws. Their weed laws are so ridiculous. It's easy to get weed in Texas. Trust me. You don't get the same weed. I have friends in Austin. Nowadays you do. No, you don't. You can't get sativas, bro. Why couldn't they grow it the way we got it?

You don't think people grow sativas? It ain't easy, bro. It ain't easy. It's not the same yield. The reason why people grow sativas? Because it ain't easy, bro. It ain't easy, and it's not the same yield. The reason why people grow sativas is because there's a bunch of people here who are connoisseurs, and that's what they want, and the people that are growing it want it. But the people that are just looking to make money, it takes more time to grow sativas than it does indigas. And they have to be grown indoors. You can't grow them outdoors here. Yeah, I know, but there's weed snobs in Texas.

I'm sure there are, dude, but it ain't that easy to find. But can I get up at 7 during the morning and go buy a bag of dope with an attorney and a construction worker and eat a bagel? That's the question. You know what? As long as nobody else has this, I'm going to wait it out. Just buy more weed. No, I'm going to wait it out. No, you're wrong, Brian, because you've got to deal with drug

dealers. You've got to deal with people that are willing to go to jail because they're selling weed, and that's the reality of the situation. 99.9% of all people it's okay I never had a problem but it ain't as good as what we got now if you wanna live in Texas you can live in Texas

I think it's fine I can care less about where the fuck I live to control the weed you know what you do you hire some kid who's like a buy a big house and grow a couple plants where the fuck I live to control the weed. I'm telling you. Yeah, you know what you do? You hire some kid who's like a fucking... Buy a big house and grow a couple plants. You hire some kid who's like a PA on a set.

He'll listen, buddy. You want to make a quick thousand bucks? And you give him $5,000 worth of weed. You take him to his body and you put him on a Greyhound bus. I mean, I used to grow in my closet in Ohio, you know, and it fucking was great. It was awesome weed.

I mean, it gets awesome seeds. I've always been a real motherfucking head. This is day one, guys. So the people I ran with were real heads, and we attract each other. When I lived in Colorado, that's some of the wildest fucking weed I got in Aspen in that high altitude in Boulder. But the people I ran with were heads, people who understand that concept. Yeah, like-minded people will find like-minded people. When I find people, I can tell when somebody's a professional, I can tell a fucking

amateur. And when you run into a fucking professional pot smoker, just the look is as good as a wink to a blind horse. They just give you that look. A real weed guy will pull you over like I did with that dude. I didn't know this motherfucker. I didn't know him, but that's a nigga that I fucking am. I said to him, you look hot. You look like, this man

looked at me like I was a fucking genie. He's like, how'd you know? I left it on the dresser. Right there, I went in my pot game a butter weed. A professional. You look like, this man looked at me like I was a fucking genie. He's like, how'd you know? I left it on the dresser. Right there, I went in my pot game, a butt of weed. A professional. You mean your balls. Brian would say, did you take this out of your balls? Oh, my God.

He's a professional. Whoa. Come on. I'm going to put this in a fucking pot. That's the truth. You'd say, I can't believe it came out of your balls. No, dog. A professional pot smoker?

Oh, look at that butt in Ohio and go, you're a bad motherfucker, dog. Thank you. Wow. We don't think of the weed. I got news for you, Joey. I don't think I'm a professional pot smoker. No, no, no. This is 30 years, dog.

This is 30 years. I got news for you. If you pull the butt out of your balls, I've been like, no, I'll be home in five hours. You smoked weed for me before that was in my nuts. And so have you. Big fucking deal. That's a professional, dog.

I don't play that stupid nonsense shit. Could you imagine Joey coming? Could you really, though, imagine Joey coming up to you and go, Hey, guys, I got some weed in my balls. Do you want it? I don't say that to you. When you're at a fucking airport and you're waiting in line. Go outside and get some air.

And you're a professional and you left your weed at home. And you've been waiting for fucking three hours, and all of a sudden, trust me, bro, a professional weed guy never lets you leave their house without weed. There's things professionals do, dog, that they know. You call a professional at 2 in the morning and go, dog, I can't sleep. They'll say, come over here and get high with you.

They will not answer the fucking phone. Professionals are different, guys. Do you take days off? Yeah, every once in a while. Like Sundays or a Saturday, I'll take it off. Take the whole day off. How do you feel when you're sober? Like a fucking moron. Like a fucking idiot. I can't focus. I'm walking around confused. No, I got to be honest. It's kind of nice to take a couple of days off. Yeah? Yeah. It's kind of nice. I take many days off in a row. But I still like getting

high at night, like sometimes at night just to sizzle it. You know when I don't take off? When I'm writing. I don't write. No, no, no. I write high every time. You've got to write high. Because I get goofy.

I write high every time. I get goofy. Well, I don't. I mean, I do write high. I mean, I do write sober sometimes, especially when I wake up in the morning. A lot of times I do revisions on things, and I like to review it from a bunch of different states. But when I write high, man, it's like there's a symphony playing in my mind. You know? It's like there's a symphony playing in my mind you know it's like there's music then music comes through these words and there's like lights and and fucking there's dancing going on in my head when i'm high there's a lot of shit happening

when i'm sober i'm like slowly piecing it together it's like the difference between typing with your fingers when you don't know how to type when you're just using your index finger and you're going t h it's n when you can type when you don't even have to look, when you're just using your index finger and you're going T, H, N, when you can type when you don't even have to look. You know, like right now I can type. I don't have to look at the keys. I know how to type, especially if I get loose and I get relaxed. It's that much of a difference.

It's like it flows. It's like it connects you to whatever the fuck it is, whatever it is that makes you creative, it connects you to it better. But it's funny. When I write comedy, I like to be stoned. When I write the one-man show, I like to be a little on the straight side. Really? Are you still writing?

You did that a bunch of times. No, no. This is the real deal. This is from the time I came from Cuba to me finding this. This is a new one that you're doing. I'm doing the workshop April 20th. Where at? Where at?

I'm doing it in North Hollywood. I got a producer to put some money up and do it in Hollywood. Nice. I'm going to really rock the house, man. April 20th, huh? Yeah, it's a Thursday night. And where is it at again? San Francisco?

I'm going to do it at this theater in Lancashire just for 40 people. Just to get the writing down and have people make notes and say, Joey, I like this, but I didn't like this. April 20th, is that what you said? It's a Thursday night, I think. Or a 20, baby. It's a Wednesday night. you said it's a thursday night i think or 20 baby it's a wednesday night no it's the 21st 21st yeah thursday night yeah okay well i'm gonna go there you know it's really weird when and that's what i do when i'm having a hard time writing comedy

i write the one-man show and i get myself in a different state like it's it's the one-man show is a little sadder it's about my you know i'm saying it's about what was going up as a kid so you try to find the humor in it, and sometimes it's pretty fucking cool. Dude, there's another quake that just hit Chile. There you go, bitches. What number? Santiago and Santiago, Chile. What number?

I don't know. I don't know. And I got a thing yesterday that said that some guy predicted from some weather thing that it was going to either be on the 16th or the 17th. There's going to be another earthquake. So he was money. He was fucking money. He said another earthquake was definitely going to happen on the 16th.

Today's the motherfucking 16th. This fucking, this thing in Japan with this nuclear reactor is freaking me out. You know? And here's what's freaking me out. They didn't know what to do if the power went off. They had like eight hours of backup, and then it starts a meltdown because they can't cool the rods. So they're pumping ocean water onto the rods to try to cool them off. I can't believe that this is how they design these things.

You're living in a place where earthquakes happen all the time. Now, if an earthquake happens and the power goes out and something goes wrong, you don't have a way to cool this fucking thing. Doesn't the ocean water work, though? No, not really. I mean, it's doing okay. It's keeping it from fucking exploding and blowing a hole through the earth. Right. What they're doing right now is real dangerous because all this shit is going to get into the atmosphere. All this radiation, they can't really contain.

Right. I mean, unless they're going to figure out a way to drop some sort of a gigantic dome over the whole area and seal it off. You know, a giant lead dome. How the fuck are they going to stop this radiation from getting out into the atmosphere? What's the worst case scenario you're looking at, Joe? I don't know. They're talking about this. See, they tried to downplay it at first, saying that it's going to be fine.

But now, on CNN, there's a new official report. This guy says that spent fuel rods are exposed, and this heightens concerns. So spent fuel rods in the uniform of Japan's stricken Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant have been exposed, resulting in the emission of extremely high levels of radiation. The head of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission said on Wednesday. This is fucking dangerous shit, man. And what's scary is we have these things all over the place.

There's like 150 of these in this country. Maybe it will morph, like get into the human... I don't know. Do you see the map of the radiation? It's going to hit California. I don't know if that's legit. Is that legit of the radiation? It's going to hit California. I don't know if that's legit. Is that legit?

I don't know. No, it's not going to hit California. Well, how do you know? Is that map real? Really? I don't know. I don't know how it carries. Now, what direction?

You know what's sad about Japan? That they have that place called Okinawa where it's beautiful. It's the place on the earth where the people live the longest. Really? They live until they're 100 and something. That's where that coral calcium fad came from, right? They don't know if it's the fish. They don't know if it's the island.

It just kills me that that's the end of that fucking party because that's it. That's all going to be contaminated. Right. The radiation is going to make... Yeah, what is going happen i mean that's the crazy thing about nuclear power is like yeah it works great you know and it's better than coal because coal totally fucks up the atmosphere and creates greenhouse gases and all that shit but man when nuclear goes bad it fucking really goes bad i mean this is the idea behind it is so

crazy you know what nuclear power is i mean you're harnessing the very power, the very thing that makes suns. The very power of the suns. It's all atomic. You're dealing with shit that we don't totally have control over yet. We have control over it for periods of time. But the bottom line about nuclear power is, no matter you do you got nuclear waste and you got nuclear waste That's gonna be around for You got to figure out a place to put it

You know I mean that's like what they do in in Nevada like the only there's always like the disputes and debates about where to Put this shit. That's one of the reasons why Nevada got gambling why the Vada was allowed to have casinos They let them blow bombs off in the fucking desert Shit, let's move. Here in the fucking desert. Shit. Let's move. Here's the thing, man. Move to where? When you get a bunch of million people like we have in L.A.,

20 million people, well, fuck, man. How are you going to power everything? You got a lot of refrigerators going on, man. You got a lot of gas machines pumping gas. You got a lot of trucks that have to drop off that gas. You got a lot of shit happening, man. Imagine people start leaving here if something bad does happen.

The 170, the 401. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's impossible. Bro. We would all have to just walk out of here. It would take days of bumper-to-bumper traffic to clear out L.A.,

days and days and days. No gas would work. No one would be able to go far. We'd all get stuck in the desert and die. Cars would be broken down. People would be screaming, let me in your be screaming let me in your car let me in your car it'd be some zombie shit bro yeah it would be some zombie road warrior shit thank god it's really possible man it's really possible our society is incredibly fragile and we're starting to see it it's like this seems like a weird thing that's happening because like every day things just keep getting

weirder and weirder it really does seem like we're in a movie now like this charlie sheen thing happens and even the kim kardashian thing it's all seems so surreal and then as all this is going on earthquake in chile earthquake in new zealand floods in australia and it's just constantly happening a million people die in the fish where's where's this piss test at? That's been missing. Nobody can find the Tiago Silva fucking piss test. That earthquake in Chile is only at 5.3. It's an earthquake. There's earthquakes every day.

I'm a map freak. It's a pimple somewhere along the line. 5.3 ain't nothing. I'm scared. Joey Diaz is going to be in New York this weekend for... Tell them what you were saying the other day about Northridge. That the 5.4, what's the difference between the 5.4? Every point is 100% stronger than the preceding point.

So a 5.1 is 100% stronger than a 5.0. That is crazy. Fucking crazy, bro. Now, the crazy one is the one in Alaska, apparently, that happened in the 60s, I think it was. I think it was 65. It was a 9.2. Wow. So a 9.1, 100% stronger than the one in Japan.

And it is 100% stronger than that. Wow. God damn, son. Let me ask you something. 9.2 for four fucking minutes. That shit rocked. No, thank you. Apparently, you could feel it in San Francisco.

That's crazy. If right now, after what happened in Japan, if you were home tonight, and a 5.3 earthquake, you'd think it's the end. Just when your thing starts shaking, I'd just drop my fucking, I'd just get to my hands and knees and say a prayer.

Oh, I'd get the fuck out of my house. Yes, because... I'd run right out the front door. Think about those people in Chile, what they were thinking. Five point, this is the beginning of the end. Again? They just got hit a year and a half ago.

Not even. Again? And you know, guys, the reality is that this is not the big concern. This is one small minor thing that you can avoid by not living on a fault line. The real concern is super volcanoes and asteroids. Those are the real concerns. Because there's hundreds of thousands of rocks out there in space that can fuck up everything. Yeah.

And they're flying around. And every now and then they collide with one another and one of them gets hurled towards Earth and it slams in. And that's a wrap. That's a wrap for this life. That's a wrap for this generation. That's a wrap for this developmental cycle of biological matter. It's all going to have to regroup. You're going to have nothing but rats.

Rats will survive a few mice and rats are going to be picking off decaying flesh and surviving on cannibalism until they slowly evolve over billions and billions of years and that's why you want to live in new york or washington dc or la because the asteroid if that really hit one of those places that would be too cheesy you know and i asked you i wouldn't hit la because it's too cheesy because that's what you would expect you would expect it to do that so what even have one even one that like the one in nevada where you can go visit that crater you know that crater was you know that that wasn't that long ago it was you know i think it was like a hundred thousand years ago or eighty thousand years ago when that

fucking thing hit man it probably killed everything within miles and miles you know it's a half a mile long the crater i think or a mile maybe whatever the fuck it is i mean that thing must have killed so many fucking people or so many things whatever was near it and when you think about something like that landing right in the middle of la like right in the middle of downtown that's crazy fuck just a half a mile wide crater right where downtown LA used to be. Nothing's there. Boom. Just a bowl. A bowl and everything out from, we're all dead. We're dead. Right out here, for sure, we're dead. 30 miles away, whatever it is. Hundreds of miles away, you're probably dead. People out in Pasadena, dead. People out in Pittsfield, dead, dead, dead. You're dead. You're too far away. I mean, you can't get too far away. I mean, probably even in San Francisco, people would be dead. 400 miles, probably dead. And this happens all the time. It happens all the time. You know what the saddest thing was?

Yesterday, my wife said to me, Joe, if something ever happened, it would take me three hours to walk home from work. Wow. 14 miles. It's true. Take you forever. Just for her to say that to me, I was like. She had to think about shit like that. Is that how you're thinking?

It's hard to bring a pair of roller skates to work. Right, and the problem is three hours. If she gets off work at 6, then you're dealing with creepy shit at night. You know, you're walking home at night, and who knows what the fuck is happening by the time these three hours are up, where total chaos is set in. I asked her, what would you do? Would you walk on? And she goes, I would just stay right on the fucking highway. Right on the 101 or something.

I don't know. These concerns didn't even enter into people's heads just weeks ago so just this fucking earthquake just weeks ago weeks ago people were like immune to it all you know now it's like slowly letting us know it's on its way stupid yeah i was a i was in uh whatever the magic club the other you know wherever wherever. What's that place? Comedy and Magic? Yeah, in Hermosa Beach. Just going to Hermosa was kind of weird because I just got done watching all this Japan shit and then being by the ocean, just kind of like, oh, that's the stuff. People died in California, bro.

People died in the tsunami. They got sucked into the water. There was a photographer that was taking pictures in front of a crowd of people and just got sucked in northern California. Sucked right off the beach, man. Wow. It fucked up.

And they were all screaming for him. These guys just drowned. See ya. They pull it out. You know, I mean, when that tide comes in, you know, I mean, did you see some of those waves? It's incredible. They did a lot of damage in Marina Del Rey. Really?

A lot of damage in docks, yeah. I mean, the tide went really high. Especially in Northern California, apparently. That's where it really hit. But this poor fuck was taking pictures in front of a bunch of people. Now, last week, supposedly before the earthquake, a bunch of fish were dead. Yeah, in Redondo. I read something two days ago. Still stinks over there, man.

Yeah, it still stinks. They said that may... Hermosa stunk, man. Hermosa stunk really bad? Yeah. It smelled weird. It was the fish apocalypse, man. Yeah, it smelled like worms.

It smelled like, yeah, like really old dead shit. Because there was a million dead fish. Do you think it had something to do with the earthquake? I don't know what the fuck it had to do with. Well, they said that they died because of a lack of oxygen. And then they said that there's some sort of a toxin in the water. So they were poisoned by something. So they don't know exactly.

They haven't get the full results of what happened. But what's really spooky is the same thing is happening in Mexico. In Acapulco, there's photos of all these fish that are on the surface of the water. It's the same type of fish. It's all sardines and some mackerel. And there's millions of them. And they're on the surface of the fucking water. And they can't figure out why. But people are driving up in boats and they're scooping up these fish in buckets. And the fish can't go anywhere. They're literally stuck to the surface of the water. They don't know what they're trying to do. If there's no oxygen, they're trying to snap at the air to get oxygen into their body somehow.

No one knows exactly why they're at the surface of the water. It's a total mystery. But people are just scooping them up in buckets. So this is basically sort of similar to what happened in Redondo. Something is happening to giant schools of fish and they don't know why. And they're thinking that, you know, in Redondo, like I said, they think it's some sort of similar to what happened in Redondo. Something is happening to giant schools of fish, and they don't know why. And they're thinking that, you know, in Redondo, like I said, they think it's some sort of a poison. But they don't have any idea why or what. It's probably some kind of weird terrorist act thing.

Could you imagine if it was some crazy Christian motherfucker? One of these May 21st assholes. Right, absolutely. I'll poison the water just to get their attention. Yeah, it's probably some retard. I'll show them the Lord is very mysterious. Crazy assholes. These billboards all over town are so nuts.

Have you seen these, Joey? That God is coming May 21st? You motherfucker. Why May 21st? I can't figure out why May 21st. Who knows? The idea behind it is so ridiculous. The idea behind it, first of all,

that you could predict the fucking day. You know, come on. And the day is in what? Is it in the Bible? Is that you could predict the fucking day, you know, come on. And then the day is in what? Is it in the Bible? Is that where you're getting this day from? I've never heard that before. And not only that, even if it wasn't the Bible, the Bible is just a translation of ancient Hebrew, which nobody really totally understands. Ancient Hebrew to this day, they don't know all the words and the letters double as numbers, you know, like there's no numbers in Hebrew. So the letter A is also the number one. So when you translate that shit to Latin and you translate it to Greek and then to English,

who knows what the fuck it really said in the first part. You're not going to get May 21st out of it, dude. And even if it did, do you really think they were right? Do you really believe it all? Is it a religious thing at all or is it like he just saw a vision? I don't know. He just could be a crackpot. But this motherfucker's buying billboards everywhere.

You know, he's buying billboards everywhere. He's got financing. Yeah. How does he get this money? There's a lot of money in retards. Retards are everywhere, and they want to believe. I mean, look, we're friends with Alex. Alex Jones is a nice guy.

I like Alex a lot. But there's a lot of people that follow Alex that might as well be following this guy. You know what I'm saying? I mean, they just picked something to get obsessed with. Whether it's the Mayan calendar in 2012, or it's fucking the Jesus apocalypse, or whether it's UFOs, it's all the same mentality to get these motherfuckers obsessed with these things. But what got you off the Mayan calendar? Well, it was never on it. I'm not attached or married, I try not to be at least, to almost everything that I think. Everything that I believe about everything.

I'm open to reinterpretation at all times. And the thing about the Mayan calendar is I think what the Mayans did, and I got this mostly from going to Chichen Itza and talking to this guy who was a professor, who was our guide, who was really an interesting guy. We talked to this guy for hours. He gave us a tour for like five hours. He loved the fact that I knew so much

about the Mayan civilization. He was an individual guide. You hire him for the tour. He was really into it because the guy loved the culture. He was really obsessed with it and obsessed with the fact that there's this incredible society that basically just vanished. I mean, these guys created some incredible works of architecture, these incredible designs, incredibly intricate calendars, and really these psychedelic languages of images and shit like that. I mean, the way they form sentences and it was very fascinating stuff.

And then on top of that, there was all this evidence of a massive deterioration of their society, like a human sacrifice and that kind of shit. Like what caused all this, man? It's all a fucking fascinating thing. But I never believed that they had it wired, that they knew that December 21st, 2012,

the end of the cycle. They don't even think that it's the end of the world. No one in the Mayan calendars would say the world ends December 21st, 2012, the end of the cycle, they don't even think that it's the end of the world. They know in the Mayan calendars and say the world ends December 21st. What it is, is the end of the long count. And it's just another sequence of events. It's like it ushers in a new cycle. What that means, who knows? It could be a new consciousness. It could be an astrological or an astronomical cycle where, you know, something in the cosmos aligns in a different way. I mean, we know when the moon is closer to us or the moon is further away, it reacts, it changes the tides, it does

things. You know, if there's some other astronomical body that, or cosmic body that when it lines up with us, its gravity affects us in a certain way and it changes some certain things about people or ushers in some new understanding or new appreciation or some new sort of a natural disaster that makes us sort of rethink the way we communicate, whether it's with cell towers or whether it's with satellites. You know, these satellites get burnt out, so we have to figure out a way to reinvent the whole idea of mass communication. And that's all possible.

That could be the reasons why these things, what's thought of that a new age is coming, you know, and that the Mayans predicted it because they predicted there would be a new atmosphere on Earth. There would be, maybe it's, you know some as simple as the polar ice cap shift and it causes all sorts of fucking havoc and chaos. It could be solar storms. It could easily be that, man. There's a lot of predicted solar storms activity in 2012.

You know, they think they could get unprecedented levels of gamma bursts. And they've had those before. Solar storms like way, way in the past where, you you know we didn't have like all these satellites and shit you know there was i believe it was a fucking i think it was the 1950s i think it was where there was a a giant solar storm like one the the one the highest ones ever measured and they were saying that if that solar storm happened to us today i mean literally, literally, it would knock out communication. We would be fucked. We would probably still have the internet in a lot of areas, but, like, a lot of our power grid would be fucked.

A lot of our satellites would be fucked. You know, solar storms are really unpredictable. And when they happen, man, really big ones, really big ones could toast this whole society. And maybe that's what happens in 2012. And maybe nothing happens. Maybe nothing will happen. That's all fucking bullshit. I mean, the math, they even said that the math might even be wrong. It might even be 60 days off.

You know, who cares? So what do you think about New York next week, Brad? We're going to have a good time, bro. We're going to be there in New York City, and then we're going to be in New Jersey for the fucking championship of the world. Johnny Bones Jones fights Mauricio Shogun Rua. This is the opportunity, bro.

Is there a party in the city afterward? I'll see you in the city. Yeah, I'm staying in the city. I'm staying in the city. I'm going out there. Yeah, the last time I stayed in Newark, I got tired of hearing sirens all throughout the middle of the night. Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! All night there were sirens. I was like, okay, I don't need to stay here. I'll just drive here the next day. So that's my new job. Fuck yeah.

I was looking at Jariah Faber today. That motherfucker is definitely Justin Bieber. What are you talking about? He looks just like Justin Bieber, Jariah Faber. They're the same fucking person. I think he sings and he taps out at motherfuckers once every other weekday. That's a great fight. There's a couple great fights on this card.

Jariah Faber is a fascinating dude. I really like talking to him, man. I did an interview with him, and one of the things he talked about is very interesting. He's a very inspirational guy. He's one of those dudes that gets up in the morning, and he has a list of things that he has written on the wall. These are my goals. I'm going to be world champion by the end of 2011. I'm going to meet the girl of my dreams, have three kids.

He has all this shit like on his wall like he's like uh the secret yeah well he's big into setting goals and working hard and accomplishing things like he's got a gang of different things going on at once he owns like three different houses and then all the fighters live in these houses and they like have on a block they all live together and they get together and cook healthy meals and hang out together. Can you imagine accidentally robbing that place? Yeah, and talking shit because the guy who meets you at the door is only 5'4". Next thing you know, you're flying through the air

and landing on your fucking head. Yeah, this is an awesome card, man. Jon Jones versus Shogun Hua is some fascinating shit, man, because Shogun is the old assassin. And Shogun used to be Jon Jones. He was the 23-year-old guy when he won the middleweight Grand Prix. Shogun was this young guy that was fucking everybody up, you know. But he had a lot more competition. He had a lot of struggles, you know.

He had Hojirio Noguera. That was a struggle. You know, he had some tough fights. He fought, you know, he had some real good competition over there. He had some battles, you know. And he also had some fucking destructing wins, too. Man, Shogun can go out and fuck people up. Like when Rampage was injured, when they fought, Rampage came into the fight with a hurt rib.

Shouldn't have ever took the fight in the first place, but I guess he just needed the money. And Shogun just fucking took it to him, man. Shogun is a fucking killer. I just watched him in the Alistair Overeem. Yeah. Shogun's a killer, man. He's a killer, and he's been around a long time, and he's not going to get rattled. And I'm not saying that Jon Jones is, because I think Jon Jones is the fucking truth.

I think he's the real deal, dude. And I think he's a super athlete. I think there's certain dudes that just can do things that you can't do, you know, and physically, you know, and when you combine it with intelligence, which he has, and work ethic, which he has, all the doing all the right things, treating people the right way, good karma. I mean, yeah, he says something sometimes, and I'm sure he'll regret, but he's 20 fucking three years old, you know, it's hard to not be confident. Fear of a black planet. We discussed this already. You said this. You know, a long time ago, they made these super slaves.

They thought they were going to get the best bang out of your buck. That super slave league is called the end motherfucking FL now. And now they're taking everything from us. Because in two years, you won't even... They'll be taking... Look at Phil and Mr. Davis. I didn't know he was fighting Antonio Noguera. Mr. Wonderful. Yeah, he's fighting. Oh, yeah.

That's... They're both Antonio. Antonio Jirio and Antonio Rodrigo.. Mr. Wonderful. Yeah, he's fighting. Oh, yeah. They're both Antonio. Antonio Joggerio and Antonio Rodrigo. Minotauro. Minotauro. The heavyweight guy is Rodrigo. Rodrigo. Excuse me. So who's he fighting?

Rodrigo. Joggerio is the light heavyweight guy. So who's he fighting? He's fighting the light heavyweight guy. Okay, so he's got... He's still a bad motherfucker. That guy submitted Dan Henderson. You know, he beat over him, I believe.

I'm pretty sure. And him and Ninja, or him and Shogun had a fucking motherfucker. That guy submitted to Dan Henderson. He beat over him, I believe. I'm pretty sure. Him and Shogun had a fucking war. They had a killer war in pride. Yeah, man. He's a bad motherfucker. He's got real good hands, too. Jirio does. That's a great fight. But Jon Jones, man. What I say about Jon Jones, and I always say this, is that when he throws

people around, it doesn't look like a normal person doing it. You know what I mean? When you watch a normal, strong dude that just horse somebody around like matt hamill when matt hamill horses somebody around he looks like here's his big ass tough strong motherfucker and he's gonna grab a hold of you and he's gonna slam you on your ass and it just looks like it's supposed to be happening that way when john jones does it it looks like some fucking insect some insect that can just pick up a log you know there's something about how easy he does it it just looks like some fucking insect, some insect that can just pick up a log. You know, there's something about how easy he does it. It just doesn't look right. It doesn't look fair.

You know what I'm saying? Like you watch like a beetle move or an ant move like something like ants can pick up some big ass shit and move it around like it's nothing. It doesn't even shift their balance. That's what it looks like with John Jones. He's got arachnid power or something. He's fucking Spider-Man. He launches dudes. When he gets that double overhooks and throws guys through the air, who the fuck is doing that? Who the fuck is doing that?

He caught a kick. You know how some people catch a kick? He caught it and spun around with an elbow. Stephen Bonner. That's brilliant. He also tossed Stephen Bonner over his heels. Head over his heels. His heels were up in the air.

Who the fuck does that to Stefan Bonner? Stefan Bonner's been around forever. Forever. He goes to show you how tough Stefan Bonner is, by the way. Look, Jon Jones stops everybody.

He didn't stop Stefan Bonner. He gave him a beating. But Bonner, that guy's an assassin. He's tough as shit. This is an interesting fight, man. Very interesting. What do you think about Marquardt against Miller? Shogun's a killer, bro.

You know, I wish Miller had a full training camp, you know. It's a tough fight. Nate Marquardt's a beast, you know, and Miller's tough as fuck. And those Miller boys, man, they'll take a fight. You can call them 20 minutes before the fight starts, and they'll change their shoes. Now, was that Miller training for a fight? Yeah. Well, he's always training. Those guys are real

conscientious, you know. I like Miller. And they know that you always have, he's always training. Those guys are real conscientious. I like Miller. And they know that you always have to be ready because anything can happen. I like Jim Miller. I don't know why. He's great. Nate Marquardt's a great practice fighter, and he's great with these guys. But I don't know.

Now this motherfucker's got to go into New Jersey. This is Dan Moore. This is Dan. He's got to go into New Jersey, bitch. Yeah. Got to go into Jersey. It's like the Cowboys going into 49erville in 81. What do you think about Krokop fighting still? Does that

freak you out? He's fighting Brendan Schaub, the kid who lost to Big Country in the Ultimate Fighter. I think that Brendan Schaub is improving. He's a bad motherfucker, dude. And I think that Krokop is just trying to finish up his contract. You think so? But why?

I mean, when the guy keeps getting knocked out like that, I mean, I wonder if he needs money. Do you think he needs money or do you think it's like an ego thing? He's not willing to, you know. I don't know, man. I think this is his last fight. I don't know. I was hoping that he was going to walk away after the Pat Barry fight.

That was a good fight. He got a nice victory, you know. But then he fights Frank Mir and gets knocked out. And it just doesn't look right, you know. You know, like seeing a hero. I hope the fucking guy can pull it back together. Look, people don't know that Alistair Overeem was stopped like nine times. He got beat up by Bobby Hoffman.

He got stopped by, I think he got, no, Verdum finished him. Verdum submitted him. A bunch of guys have stopped him, though, including being stopped in K-1 and being stopped in kickboxing. Chuck Liddell stopped him. Guys beat him. Verdum submitted him. A bunch of guys have stopped him, though, including being stopped in K1 and being stopped in kickboxing. Chuck Liddell stopped him. Guys beat him. Oh, Sergey Karatanov knocked him out. He stopped him. So you look at all those guys that beat Alistair, and now Alistair is a fucking destroyer. Like, he bounced back fully. What he did is he started lifting weights and doing crazy power lifting and shit. He got a lot stronger, got super dedicated, really dedicated his whole life, 100% to training. And now he's one of the most dangerous and scary guys on the planet.

I took him to fight June 18th. So you can't say Crow Cop is done. You never say he's done. But, man, it hurts me to watch him lose. It hurts me to watch him be a shadow. I was so excited about him coming over to the UFC because I thought about the crow cop that fought Noguera in Pride. I thought about the crow cop that

fought Fedor's brother, Alexander Ilmeilenko. He fucked that dude up. High kicked him. Igor, he fucked him up. Vovchanchin, high kicked him, KO'd him. He was just jacking everybody back then, dude.

His stand-up was fucking nasty. But by the time he came over to the UFC, man, it wasn't quite the same. He didn't quite have the motivation that he had back then. There was something. Something was missing. It's almost like he achieved so much over there that it was like he went on a mad sprint.

Here's a good fucking fight on this card, man. Jim Miller and Kamal Chalaroos. Oh, yeah. That's a good fucking fight on this card, man. Jim Miller and Kamal Chalaroos. Oh, yeah. That's a good fucking fight. That's a good fucking fight. Jim Miller is a beast, dude. Especially after he submitted that kid, Charlie, fucking what is his name? Oliveira. Charles Oliveira. That really good jiu-jitsu kid

with the good Muay Thai. A small kid, but Miller grabbed a hold of him, got him in a fucking nasty leg lock quick. Really surprised that kid when he tapped him. And Miller's tapped Dwayne Ludwig off his back. And he dropped Ludwig, too, before that, which is, you know, Ludwig's a sick kickboxer. This Kamal Shalaroos dude's a bad motherfucker, too. Really tough, strong dude.

This Iranian, I believe he's Iranian, and he's a wrestler. He's got a wrestling base, but like a powerful puncher. He comes forward. So that's a good fucking scrap right there, man. You got Mike Pyle, Ricardo Almeida. Fuck, yeah. That's going to be real good, too, man. You know, Mike Pyle's really fucking turning it around.

Mike Pyle's tricky as fuck, dude. Yes, he is, man. He's tricky. And he's got a real good guard, dude. You've got to be careful about that guy when he's on his back, man. And Kurt Bellagrino and Gleason Tebow. There's a lot of good fights in this card. Tebow's favorite.

Yeah. 150 over 130 or something. There's a lot of fucking good in this card. Tebow's favorite. Yeah. 150 over 130 or something. A lot of fucking good fights in this card. That's some slugfest, man. It's going to be great, man. Yeah. And what the fuck is that dude's name? Barboza.

He's fighting, too. Edson Barboza. That kid's a fucking beast. That kid's a beast, man. He's fighting Anthony Njukwani. Anthony Njukwani's a badass striker from the WEC, one of those guys. Lost a couple fights, but still is a fucking real dangerous kid. But this Barbosa is a fucking assassin.

He's a badass striker, dude, a badass striker. The fight's done at what time on Saturday? Well, I think the card, the pay-per-view card is going to be an hour early this week. So in the East Coast, if it used to be on at 9 o'clock, it's now going to be on at 8 o'clock. It's going to start a day, or it's going to start an hour early this week. So in the East Coast, if it used to be on at 9 o'clock, it's now going to be on at 8 o'clock. It's going to start a day, or it's going to start an hour early. It's going to start, instead of 9, it's going to start at,

instead of 10, it's going to start at 9. 9, so that means 6 here, okay. Yeah, 6 here. So that's the deal. I get off the plane at 4.45. I go to my hotel, take a shower, and I can shoot right back out to New York. Shazam.

We're going to have some fucking fun. Next weekend, I am in Portland. No. Where am I? Seattle. Seattle. At the Moore Theater. Yeah.

And there's still a few tickets left, but not much. So that's on Friday. It'll probably sell out that day. So if you want in, don't snooze, bitches. And then following week, Joey will be with me at Helium in Portland. Joey can go to Portland. If Oregon is still there, we'll be there, too. Which is a scary, scary fucking consideration.

So we'll see you there at the end of the month. And Joey, this weekend or this Tuesday, we'll be at... I've been around in New York City. And then Thursday through Saturday at the Comedy Club in Webster motherfucking New York Come on down Buffalo Syracuse, Rochester And I'll see you fucking animals in New York City At 9 o'clock ready to rock

And this is on what street? 147 Bleecker Street 147 Bleecker Street Okay so that is Tuesday Tuesday the 22nd And then you're going to be in Rochester that weekend? Yeah, and the following weekend we're in Portland, Oregon. Bam, bitches! Bam, bitches! That's it.

And we'll see you guys next Tuesday. We'll have another podcast. I don't know who's going to be on it because we're unorganized as fuck. And that's how we roll. Please follow Red Band because he's very upset that he doesn't have very many followers on Twitter. Listen to the new podcast with Jaden Cole.

It's awesome. Your new podcast that we're saying? Yes. Are you telling to me or the people at home? Me too. I don't have time. Yeah, put her on the airplane. Listen to your goddamn podcast.

You've got to listen to this girl. You'll fall in love with her. Okay. You'll fall in love with her. I probably won't. I bet I won't. How about that? I love you, Red Band.

I love you too. Tonight, Sal's Comedy Club. Yeah, Sal's Comedy Club sold out. You coming in tonight? No. I'm leaving for Anaheim. Come on, dog. I'll never make it.. Yeah, Sal's Comedy Club sold out. You coming in tonight? No. I'm leaving for Anaheim. Come on, dog. I can't.

Come on, dog. Maybe on the way back. On the way back, dog. Come on. Go on after me, man. All right. Yeah, please. We got a goddamn party at that place.

Thank you to the Fleshlight. Thank you to the Fleshlight. If you go to joerogan.net and click the link for the Fleshlight, put in the code name Rogan and you get 15% off. Red Band is on Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N. And Joey Diaz is Mad Flavor. One word, Mad Flavor. Love you, bitches.

Twitter, Facebook, check yourself before you wreck yourself. Make dicks in your ass. It's bad for your health. We'll see you next time.