The Joe Rogan Experience - #902 - Live Underground from The Comedy Store

Episode Date: January 20, 2017

Joe sits down with Jeff Ross, Greg Fitzsimmons & Andrew Santino in the basement of The Comedy Store on January 19, 2017.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day we are now live jeff ross this is the first time we have ever done a live podcast from the comedy store and it's with you buddy i feel like we're in hitler's bunker do you i think hitler's boners probably not as well lit. Definitely didn't have the sound dampening. That's how you know it's a real podcast studio. They have this shit. The sound dampening stuff.

The sound dampening stuff. I think this is cool, though. It's in the color of the comedy store. Got the old sign. Old comedy store sign in the background. And we figured, fuck it. We're here all the time. Usually I'm just here hanging around

after why not do a podcast have some fun i love it hi everybody what's up everybody happy thursday happy thursday so tell me about your fucking show tell your your uh roast battle is on comedy central it's crazy man yeah it's amazing started out in the belly room you know you came fucking great it's one of the reasons why i came back to the store when i came to see that show in the belly room i was like wow it was the day before ari filmed his special and i hadn't been to the store in seven years i remember i came here i saw you at the improv that night yeah i'd seen you a couple i'd been sitting at the improv around i kept talking about it. That's where I was doing sets. I kind of made it a personal mission to bring you back to the comedy store.

Aw, sweetie. And Roast Battle was the bait. Well, Roast Battle definitely helped, too, also because it was so electric. I was like, man, there's something going on in this place. Dude, I love doing the show so much, and the comics love doing it. It's the only competition show where comics who aren't even on the show come to watch other comics yeah it's insane it's one of the rare shows where comics come to watch other comics we're shooting in the old house of blues across the street they're knocking it down in a couple weeks and building condos forever very historic building it's kind

of crazy so our producer joel gallen had the idea to go in there pull the stage out clean it up there was like all kinds of stuff living in there and we built our roast battle arena inside the old house of blues for four nights i can't believe this is happening that's crazy it's like you know the early days of wrestling or fighting or something i can't believe it turned into condos that stuff's hard to realize that that's what we're going to have across the street, but maybe it'll be good in some way. Well, I bet a lot of comics are just going to get

a fucking apartment there. If you can afford it, that'd be amazing. Stumble out of bed, walk across the street. Oh, I didn't even think about that. Yeah. Why not live there? Huh. I mean, come on, man. It'd be the greatest. And if you have a reluctant girl, you know, you're trying to meet a young lady and you're like, come on man be the greatest and if you have a reluctant girl you know you're uh trying to meet a young lady and you're like come on back to my place well i mean i'm getting kind

of tired listen baby it's just across the street yeah you're there right here come on over okay jeff i mean you are kind of funny and i just want you to know i'm not that kind of girl. Well, we'll play ping pong in my rec room. Ping pong is a good one to play. Everyone thinks they know how to play foosball. Right? I don't know. Do they? Yeah, a lot of drunk people think they know how to play that one.

Oh, foosball. Yeah, you know that thing. Nobody knows how to play ping pong. A few people do, but they're assholes. I have two Chinese cousins and they're very good at ping pong. China and ping pong go together for some reason is that video has anyone seen that video of bruce lee hitting the nunchucks is that real no it's not real damn oh joe rogan you ruined why didn't you think it was real looks so fucking fake how do i know i could eat glass imagine if he was a like a world champion ping pong player plus this martial arts master?

I didn't even take it. The fact that his ping pong was that good. It was more like he was hitting the ball without. Wasn't he doing it with nunchucks? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think. I'm pretty sure.

I can't. I don't even know why I answered that. I should have told you yes. It was true. Totally real, bro. Bruce, he was a master, bro. I just never wanted to know and I shouldn't have asked I was here one night

where Eddie Griffin was telling a Bruce Lee story and Eddie Griffin was just drunk as fuck and he was making up some Bruce Lee story he's like there was 39 people

in the room when he died all of them attacked Bruce Lee 18 of them died before they got him wow I was like what

no no no no he he had like an allergic reaction to a drug or something he had like a blood clot or something i don't know some people think some people think the chinese triad had him whacked oh really yeah because you know his son brandon died on the set of a movie right where they had a fake gun like a gun with a blank yeah and they shot at him and there was something inside the gun and it wound up killing him yeah what a way to go was it a stuntman who shot him or another actor i think it was another actor and they from then on they now they made a new rule after that

i think this might be bullshit but i think the new rule was what i had heard was that you can't point a gun at someone when you shoot them like instead of shooting you with a blank if you and i were in a movie and i was going to shoot you in a blank i'd have to do that but it looks like from over there that i'm shooting at you but i'm really shooting to the left of you oh fascinating wow i guess i never realized that sight line is weird yeah you remember his brother the crow or his son rather yeah in the movie the crow it was cool and they was cool. And they had to finish it without him or something? Yeah, they had to hire some guy to pretend to be him, I think.

It's 2017. We're almost done with January, and not one major celebrity has died in any way yet. Crazy. Amazing how many dropped off right before the end, though. Carrie Fisher was a bummer. That was crazy. Who else died? Prince, David Bowie. Prince, George Michael, David Bowie. Prince is a bad one, man. Carrie Fisher was a bummer. That's crazy. Who else died? Prince.

Prince, George Michael, David Bowie. Prince is a bad one, man. He died from fucking pain pills. Abe Vigoda. We lost Fish. A year ago. Really? Beginning of last year. Oh, shit.

Tough one. I didn't know about that one. He was 175 years old. He was at least that old. What was the other? Barney Miller? His SAG number was three. Barney Miller, right?

Wasn't that the detective show? He played Fish on Barney Miller. And then he had Fish. He was on his own show. Well, he was in the Godfather movies. That's true. He had a spinoff, though, right? Fish.

Yeah. I love that show. It was only on one season, but everyone remembers it. How is that possible? If there's a show on now for one season, you don't even know it's on. You never heard of it. You never remember it. Fish lasted one season, and everyone remembers it.

Do you think this now that you've been on TV a bunch of times, and you've had your own show, and now you've got Rose Battle on, do you think there's so many shows on now with so many networks and so many channels, and then there's streaming shit like Netflix and Hulu and CISO and a million million it's almost like there's too much content i think it's just for some reason more narrowed you know you get your exact audience that's true strange you know like doug benson has something for pot smokers and someone else has something for home improvement. And then there's a channel just for cooking shows. And it's kind of like that, I guess.

Otherwise, it's hard to understand. Well, it's hard to get people to know about your show just from TV. Right. You need some sort of a web presence and some sort of a social media presence and something else. It's like regular shows. If you just put it on after a successful show, nobody knows what the fuck it is. They just change the channel to something they do know.

There's almost too many things going on now, Jeff. That's what's hard about launching any TV show. And we're doing our show as a tournament, as an event. So by the time you even know it's on, it's over. But it's so good. It's so good, I can't that's that's a show when when

they said that they were going to turn that into a television show i'm like that can't miss it can't miss and you know especially if you could figure out a way to do them all in the belly room i really feel like the belly room is something special it really is the magic there's something it's so intimate it's so and when you see someone get fucking crushed in the belly room like i've heard some goddamn titanic lines up there what did kim kong did say about this girl she said oh she said she's not union but her tits are sag it really is a joke writers showcase it is well that's what the last it's it's next weekend i don't know when you were posting we're live so it's yeah we're live now we're live now hi i forgot oh hi everybody

so when is it uh it's 26 27 28 and 29 january four nights in a row and it has it already it's a bracketed tournament we'll start taping tomorrow and then the finale is live on the 29th ah that's awesome live on tv it's fun right, that's awesome. Live on TV? It's fun right now because right around, we're in the Comedy Store right now. All the New York comics are staying across the street, so they're all coming over to check out the Comedy Store. And now we're shooting across the street in the old House of Blues. So this whole little neighborhood is going to be roast battle neighborhood for a week or so. You hear the piano?

It's kind of great. We're downstairs below the original room, so you can hear the piano it's kind of great we're downstairs below the original room so you can hear the comedy this is underground that's what we're gonna call it underground at the comedy store right i love that perfect because we're underground that's what we'll call it got it love that live underground from the comedy store fuck yeah because you can hear you can hear comics killing up there. You can hear the piano music. It's fucking awesome. It's got a real feel to it, bro. Dude, you shaved your eyebrows.

I ran into you in New York five months ago, and you had shaved your eyebrows. How do I look now? They're kind of not back yet. I'm a strange looking guy, Rogan. How long does it take for eyebrows to grow back? Could be a lifetime. That's fucking nuts. That's so weird.

I thought eyebrows would be like a beard. I don't really have hair on my body. You don't? You like your body hair? Yeah, like my sister's never shaved her legs. Look, Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Come on in, Greg. Come in.

Fuck yeah. Get in here, buddy. We saved you a spot. Isn't this cool? Hi, Greg. Dude, you are here. Isn't this cool? Hi, Greg. Dude, you are here. Is it better for here? This one's fine?

Okay. Beautiful. Welcome to Hitler's bunker. I know. Can we fuck Ava? No. Can you imagine that? How was your set?

You know, it was one of those crowds where if you did new shit that you were excited about they were with you and as soon as you did a bit that had any dust on it they just fucking flatlined so you think that was you or they felt they felt it in you oh it's definitely me it was me because i felt like when you have new stuff you get so excited about doing it that you come alive. Right. And you're not reciting it. You're really saying it. And then when you transition into shit that you've been doing for too long, you lose that freshness.

And they sense there's a difference between the material. There's a moment when you're doing an old bit where you have so much shame. And you try to reignite it and power power it up and it doesn't work. And you're like, Oh, why am I still doing this fucking shitty bit? Right. It's like when you see a guy yelling at his son in the parking lot and he

doesn't even believe it. He's just doing it because he thinks that's how a father's supposed to act. You know, what's even worse is when you see someone yelling at their kid and then you look over and you make eye contact with them and they realize they shouldn't be yelling at their kid. They've lost their cool. Plus, I can imagine you looking at a guy who's yelling at his kid. There's probably a little bit of a menacing look on your face.

I try not to be. I try to be kind. Yeah. I don't want to be menacing to parents. Or audiences for that matter. I don't yell at my kids, man. I might raise my voice occasionally if they're doing something really fucked up, like they're being mean to each other. But I remember people yelling at me, man.

The cortisol reaction that happens in a kid's brain and all the stress hormones that get released, it's like there's plenty of fucking bad shit going on in the world. They don't need their parents yelling at them too. There's plenty of fucking bad shit going on in the world. They don't need their parents yelling at them, too. Well, especially when you put it in perspective. Like, your parent at any given time is possibly three or four times bigger than you. Oh, yeah. And then when they yell at you on top of that, that's really, that's fucking intimidating.

It's like a couple of pussies right now. We have kids. Become a pussy. You definitely do in a certain way. You become a pussy. Yeah, you definitely become a pussy you definitely do in a certain way you become a pussy yeah you definitely the good thing about that me not yelling is my fucking six-year-old is not even remotely scared of me like not even a little she she mocks me like openly like i go hey listen you can't do that yeah she sticks her tongue out at me and she's not even like a little nervous around me

maybe i should be a little harder just leave some videotapes of you doing jiu-jitsu on somebody. Just in a loop. I teach her. I teach my kids. They take martial arts and my six-year-old is actually a higher rank than my eight-year-old. Oh, really?

Yeah. I think that gives them the confidence to talk smack at you. No. If he hits me, I can block it. No. I don't think that's it. i just think they know i'm not gonna do anything they they beat the shit out of me though they're allowed to hit me like because

they're allowed to practice techniques on me i allowed them like full blast leg kicks so especially my eight-year-old she can fucking hit hard man she'll like step into a leg kick and crack yeah like and you know she lets me know she's gonna do it but i let her do it so she could feel what it's like to hit a real person as hard as you want. Yeah, you're her meat puppet. Yeah. It's interesting. You know Jeff Ross, the black belt in Pike Window?

I did know that. Yeah. Wow. What year did you become a black belt? I was not even 11. Oh, so it's a junior black belt. Easy, buddy. Hey.

That's nice, though. It's great if you fight a midget it's a junior black belt. Easy, buddy. That's nice, though. It's great if you fight a midget. It was a black belt. I had to teach adults in order to get my black belt. Really? You had to teach adults? Really? That was part of the test.

You learn a lot when you teach. That's true. Your son's a black belt, right? Yeah. Junior black belt. Junior black belt. He did it for like eight years. A lot of different schools have different

eight years of anything at that age is pretty great what's tough is once they get the black belt there's not new forms to learn it's just perfecting what you've already learned and a lot there's a big drop off because kids are so and they're so used to getting a new belt and learning new what do they call it katas yeah yeah depending. Yeah. Depending on, it's either, yeah. It's depending on what style art. Kata is actually a Japanese word. And it depends on what martial art. Like in Taekwondo, I think they called it. Poomsays?

I wasn't aware. Poomsays. Yeah. Poomsays. And it's different for other styles of Korean martial arts. I have a different name for it too. But yeah, but you can go to higher degrees though. You can get like second degree, third degree.

That takes a while. Yeah. It takes a different mentality to go to that level. Yeah, that is a thing, man. Once people achieve black belt, they feel like they're done. The mountain has been climbed. That's one thing that you don't – well, I guess you kind of have that in all martial arts. But Taekwondo, you're doing a lot of light contact sparring.

And because of that, I think it's not as engaging as like jiu-jitsu because jiu-jitsu is kind of like full blast because you're not hitting each other. You're just like doing chokes and arm bars and stuff like that. And as long as someone has control and they don't hurt you, you know when someone is in a bad position you don't like if you know you have someone's arm and they're it's totally locked out even if they're not tapping you're not going to break it you know you know what to do you know like when it's breaking and when it's not so i usually just wait till somebody gets an erection then we call it a day

do you finish them off oh yeah fuck yeah good man i was just i made a joke last night on your show it just kind of came up but somebody goes uh i this guy goes i'd have sex with you and i go i go oh that's nice he go he goes he goes but i'd be the top i go of course you'd be the top because the only way anyone's fucking me is i'm flat on my face and you just tackled me and it's probably a three-way that's the only way i'm getting fucked is these two guys and i'm the bottom yeah there's something there could be yeah what's the closest you ever came to fooling around with a guy jeff right now not close not close at all? This conversation? Ever got high and like,

just snuggled? I guess I saw, what happened? He's rubbing his eyes. He just cut himself off. Yeah, he's like, I can't, can't, can't, can't get into that. You know what he's thinking now?

This is part of the problem with being a roast master. He's thinking, someone's going to use this on me in a roast. Yeah. Could be a roast battle. Soft under't show a soft underbelly. Do you think you'll ever

wound up battling on Roast Battle? Oh, yeah. Definitely. Are you already preparing? No, I just think about how it would work. I look at who would be fun to battle. I'm obviously a bit easy target for a guy who works the door here.

He's going to destroy me. It's like, of course, how the mighty will will fall but i still think it would be fun anyway what does it feel like knowing that you roasted the president of the united states you roasted trump it is it is totally and totally a weird feeling and i saw him a couple weeks ago i saw him down in Florida and exchanged pleasantries. You were just talking about that on stage. I saw him in Palm Beach

at his golf course. What were you doing at his golf course? Having lunch. I don't understand your life. Jeff Ross' life is like nobody else's. I follow him on fucking Instagram and every night he's in a different city with a different set of cool people.

Well, when you're a successful man, you don't have children. You're not married. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Jesus, what a life. You really do have a good life in that regard. You're free as a bird. It is cool. How the fuck have you managed to not get tied down? I'm ready to get tied down. You're ready?

I wish I... They say that. I wish I was meeting somebody who could do that. They say that when they're around us. Yeah. That's not true. That's not true. I would like to settle down.

Really? Yeah, I haven't met the right person. Well, how come you haven't met the right person? I don't know. Because you're in a new city every night, you fuck. You're constantly traveling. Maybe I'm looking the wrong way.

I don't know. I came close a couple times. Do you think you'll have a little Jeff someday? I really hope so. Really? How old are you now? 50. 51.

It's over. Why? Because your comma's bad. You really think so? Yes. Have you tasted it? It's toast. It's probably bitter.

Don't freak me out. Don't freak me out. Don't freak me out. You already told me that the Bruce Lee video wasn't real. He thought the Bruce Lee video, Bruce Lee playing ping pong with nunchucks, he thought that was real. No, you didn't. Are you serious? They're round. Nunchucks are round.

And who the fuck is that good that you could time it? You'd have to time the ping pong. It's not like a paddle that's like a rigid thing where you can kind of hit it. You have to time the swing of the thing. I thought he was a badass. Well, he was definitely a badass, no doubt about it. He was the original mixed martial artist. You think my cum is bad?

It's probably not good. It's probably not good. You'd probably have to get a nephew or somebody to kick in. Come on. Don't freak me out. Some of Greg's cum. Greg's still got a couple of good scummers in there. This is terrible news.

At a certain age, when men have children, there's a high risk of autism. And somebody was mocking Trump. I think it was Rosie O'Donnell was mocking Trump's kid. Oh, yeah. Rosie O'Donnell did. Yeah, which I thought was like, wow. I know that he said some fucked up shit about her, but going after his kid like that,

that shows you how much he hurt her. Yeah. She wrote a poem about how depressed she was when he became president. Yeah. No, he hadn't even won yet. He made fun of her in a debate. In one of the debates, he was talking, like someone said, he talked't even won yet. He made fun of her in a debate. In one of the debates,

he was talking like someone said he talked bad about women. He's like, well, Rosie O'Donnell. But everybody agrees with me. He got a laugh and apparently she was just devastated. She called his kid autistic? Later. It was after that. I think she was just crushed.

She was talking about how sad she was and how she couldn't go outside. I haven't seen his kid. Does he look autistic? Looks like a fucking kid. He's a tall, good looking kid. He's got a bunch of kids. He gave them Rhode Island for Christmas. It's a comedy star!

Well, the kid's 10 and he's 70. Yeah. So he was 60 when he shot one in. It's a comedy star. Well, the kid's 10 and he's 70. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. So he was 60 when he. Yeah. He shot one in. Jesus.

Yeah. Because the thing is now you just think about how much your cell phone is in your pocket. How many waves are going through your semen all the time. Oh, you don't put it in your pocket? I do sometimes. You do. Why does everybody think that radiation's bad? Remember when we were kids?

Yeah. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids's bad? Remember when we were kids? Yeah. The comic book guys got radiation. Don't sit too close to the TV. They always became heroes. Yeah. But they became heroes. Don't sit too close to the TV, they used to tell you. Yeah.

Yeah. They were worried about that. But I think that was for your eyes. Oh. Right? But like radiation in comic books, it always does good shit. Yeah. You know?

Hmm. I guess you're right. People get superpowers. People go radiation when they're ill. It's a healing thing now. Not really. They do to kill the tumor, but it kills you too. It just kills the tumor more than it kills you.

It kills the tumor first, and it brings you to the door of death, and then you pull back and start drinking wheatgrass juice and getting your life together. That's right. I just ordered some probiotics online today. Oh, yeah? You should eat started some probiotics online today oh yeah you should eat um actual live probiotics oh really yeah kimchi yogurt kefir is good all that stuff i'm a big proponent of probiotics i eat a lot of it man it's huge like what what is that

kimchi well probiotics is anytime you're taking in like healthy bacteria like uh whether it's in the form of yogurt acidophilus uh sauerkraut is actually a healthy especially raw sauerkraut oh yeah actually a very good probiotic really good for you there's a lot of like natural food stores like whole foods type places that have probiotic sauerkrauts really good for you because it's fermented yeah and every time you're fermenting something what's happening is like this bacteria is uh is you know living on the food so like like when you're eating kimchi there's bacteria living on the food but it's healthy bacteria okay because i fart so bad and it's been it's been years i think i caught giardia when i was down in florida really and i just drink out of a creek no tap water in florida man you're not supposed to drink it it's the worst tap water in america what because it's a sandbar there's no fucking fresh water down there yeah but isn't all

tap water treated with like chlorine yeah but there's only so much they can do with that shit down really look at those people and so i started farting and it just i went on all kinds of antibiotics and i got rid of like a bulk of it but the farts have remained and so i started farting and it just i went on all kinds of antibiotics and i got rid of like a bulk of it but the farts have remained and so somebody told me probiotics can clear it up have you ever heard that when people get poop um transfusions no yeah they'll take poop from a healthy person yes yes it's a real thing ass to ass well they don't make you go butt to butt with somebody i think they go in and fish it out and they shoot it up in you but they literally will shoot somebody else's poop up your

up your asshole into your body yeah and some people even swallow poop tablets wow yeah they never heard that yeah yeah they do to um to people that have like really unhealthy gut biomes. And one of the issues with a lot of people is antibiotics. When you take antibiotics, it doesn't just kill the bad stuff. It kills good stuff, too. Oh, they just had the first woman who couldn't be cured by antibiotics. Did you read about that? No. Yeah, she had some kind of a, I don't know what it was.

It was some kind of a bacteria. Like MRSA? You know, I wish I knew more about the story, but I don't know. Maybe we can look it up on the internet. But it was the first time that they tried every type of antibiotic, and it didn't work. And they said that this could mark the beginning of untreatable viruses. So bacteria or virus? I guess bacteria.

Bacterias, right? You don't treat viruses with antibiotics. I don't think so. You're talking about antiviral medication is a different thing, I believe. But bacteria, like as far as like the stuff that you get like from staph infections and stuff like that is getting stronger and stronger over the years. Yeah. Especially in hospitals, man. There's a lot of people that catch MRSA from hospitals and they fucking wind up dying. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's a big issue. You guys are really depressing me. Don't. I'm sorry. Come on, man. There's a lot of people that catch MRSA from hospitals, and they fucking wind up dying.

Yeah. Hell yeah. It's a big issue. You guys are really depressing me. Don't. I'm sorry. Come on, man. We're talking about Rosebottle.

Do you have a light? Yeah, I do. Yeah. So we are in the final hours before the— Inauguration. The inauguration. It's a crazy time. I didn't think that I would be this— i really thought after the election i would wrap my

head around it and i would be like okay this is normal trump is going to be president like i would have some sense of like okay i don't feel any more um uh ready for this than i was the night after the election no it's weird it weird. It's 100% weird. I was watching this video that someone was playing on their Instagram page where they were there while Trump was walking into this room in D.C. and surrounded by Secret Service agents and all these sycophants

and all these weird people around him and this guy's yelling out, thank you, Mr. Trump. Thank you. You are a godsend, sir. You're a god. Andrew Santino, ladies and gentlemen. Come on in.

Have a seat, fella. You're coming in right at the time Jeff Ross is handing you a joint. Oh, thank you, Jeff. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Santino. Live Netflix special on the way. Trump supporter, by the way. He voted five times.

Huge Trump supporter. I voted as many times as I could. I kept doing it. He had a fake ID. He voted five times. Huge Trump supporter. I voted as many times as I could. I kept doing it. He had a fake ID, pretended to be Mexican. I did, actually. Yeah, I became Andrew Santino. So I switched it up.

Yeah, Santino. Yeah, Santiago. Yeah, big, big Trump supporter. Fitz, you are too. Well, I'll just say right now, ladies, get your abortions before noon tomorrow. Don't you think Trump's had a lot of girls get abortions? I think he's going to back off of that. Are you shitting me?

He's got a frequent fetus card. Oh, yeah. He's driven a few ladies off into the clinic. Of course. Absolutely. That's his thing. Well, they were saying that about G.W. Bush is that there was a pretty well-documented case

when he was in college. Where did he go? To Texas or something? Yeah. Probably. He went to college? He went to fucking Yale, didn't he? No.

Yeah. The Wharton School of Business, right? No, that's Trump. Talking about G.W. Oh, okay. Didn't he? Yeah. I think he did go to Yale, didn't he?

Went to Yale, yeah. Yeah, because he was in Skull and Bones, right? Yeah, G.W. All the Bushes went to Yale. Right. That's one of those grandfathered-in Yale, didn't he? Yeah, because he was in Skull and Bones, right? All the Bushes went to Yale. Right. That's one of those grandfathered-in things, though, right? Oh, yeah. How about George and Barbara Bush doing double suicides to get out of going to the inauguration?

What are they doing? They're both in the hospital. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they're both dying right now on purpose. Why don't we just stop taking our medication? the hospital. Really? Yeah. They're both dying right now on purpose. Why don't we just stop taking our medication?

What do you think, Georgie? Maybe we should stop taking our Medi-Cop. We won't have to go to the inauguration. What medicine? Who are you? I want to go skydiving. Why is Martha Washington in my bedroom? Jeff, put that down.

I didn't see him for years. And then I saw him recently. He was in a wheelchair on some interview and some video. And it made you realize, like, wow. It's been a while. It's crazy to think that Carter's still alive and W is still alive. How old's Carter? He's old.

He was old. He was president in 76. Was he? Yeah, he was already old. Yeah. He was an interesting in 76. Was he? Yeah, he was already old. Yeah. He was an interesting guy, man. Carter didn't really get a fair shake. Go to the presidential library.

Carter's in Atlanta. It's awesome. You should check it out. Well, I heard some speeches that he gave before when he was running for president. Back when Hunter S. Thompson recorded a speech that he gave at uh one of those washington's it out no i'm good okay i'm good dude oh jesus it was uh it was in that movie fear and loathing not fear and loathing the other one um gonzo the life and works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, the documentary on him.

Really interesting, man. Carter was – he was a pretty intense and moral guy, very powerfully so. He was a good Christian. He was the good kind of Christian. The good kind. Well, because I think people can use Christianity as a way of feeling better then or Yeah. Or it can be a life of service. And he was very much a life of service. There's like the way that my dad goes to church still just because he just likes the people that are there.

Yeah. More so than anything else. He's like, I just want to go see fucking people that I've known for 40 years. Yeah. He's like, I don't really listen ever. I mean, my dad has notoriously just fallen asleep every single time. Yeah, he's just there to see some friends before and after yeah it's a fucking it's a club but do you think i mean because here's i go back and forth on religion because it's so easy to take like the

you know the agnostic route and say that all religion is evil and all that but it's like so much good shit has happened because of organized religion. I mean look at what the Jews have done in this country with just fucking hospitals alone. And then you got Christians that have gone to Central America, nuns that have fucking saved villages. Yeah, for sure. There's tons of good stuff. I think the cheap fucking route is to say that religion sucks just because that's an easy blanket to go, fuck religion. It's just caused every war. It's the worst thing.

It's like, yeah, there's a lot of fucking negatives to it. You know, they blamed it on every war, but war is something that's caused by people. And people would have found a reason to go to war. They go to war because they're apes. They go to war because apes fight against apes. It's like they're always dominating for that alpha position. If they're blaming it on religion, it's just a convenient reason to go fuck somebody up they would have done it because they had diamonds or they'd do it for oil yeah that's the thing in ireland they try to pretend that the it's

a war between the protestants and the catholics no it's the fucking brits yeah trying to colonize and destroy a population of people yeah that's it and people get tribal they get you know people will fight the fucking raiders will fight the eagles you know the fans will meet in the parking lot and and have a fucking gang war you know that's what people do for a shirt color yeah that's what people do i mean didn't they they beat some guy almost to death in uh dodger stadium yeah he put him in a coma horrible san franc, man. San Francisco fan. Some guy with his kid, right? Yeah, kids.

He has kids with him, and two dudes just... I think the kid was autistic, though. Was he? He just went for it. I was going to say. He just went for it, couldn't help himself. His instincts took over. He was autistic, yeah.

It's just crazy how tribal people are, and that's one of the things you're seeing with this election too whether you're a trump supporter or a hillary supporter or bernie supporter whatever if you just can step back from it for a second and look at it objectively what you're seeing is these people that are like blindly loyal to one side or the other and then you just see giant clumps of them that move in that direction. And very few people who look at it and have like a balanced perspective that's outside of like an ideology. You know what I mean? Like very few people are going, well, we got this guy who won a popularity contest. And he's the first actually popular person who won this popularity contest. And everybody else who's been winning this popularity contest has just been in this one select group so in that sense it's a good thing because it's

going to be a disruptive thing and this system is not good it's not good to have the same fucking families run the country over and over again have the same bureaucracy the same red tape all the shit that people have had to deal with when it comes to politics like it's not a perfect system and it's not getting improved. One of the reasons it doesn't get improved is because the people that run the system have a – they have a concerted – there's a great benefit for them to keep the system in place. There's plenty of jobs. There's plenty of people doing it. There's plenty of red tape.

There's plenty of debate and influence, and it goes back and forth from side to side and all that keeps it relevant and it keeps people from stopping and saying why are there these two groups one is right and one is left one's conservative and one's liberal when most of us are a combination of all those things well not only that it's a it's you know it's all projections by the big business to say there's even a right and a left. They've got both. They're pulling the strings on both sides. I was saying that I remember coming around the store and listening to people at the beginning of the campaign, Trump's campaign, vehemently hating him so much. And that kind of extremism was the same for Bernie support.

The Bernie chaos, the Bernie thing was crazy. I mean, it was like the same kind of crazy, chaotic, like fuck anybody but Bernie. And the Trump supporters were the same way. It was like, fuck anybody but Donald Trump. It was like extremes on both sides. And it's the same thing. At some point, you're at a level playing, right? Zero is the same as 100.

You know what I mean? Like if I said to a friend of mine, how gay are you on a percentage scale, zero to a hundred. And if a guy says, if a guy says a hundred, okay, he's gay. And then if a guy says, second guy says, oh yeah, I'm, you know, 48, I'd be like, okay, I get that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jeff me. But then if a guy says zero, I'm zero. Fuck that. It's the same as the 100 guy. Yeah, right. The extremism is the same. It's just a different angle, but there's not enough people that are 40% gay.

There's not enough people in the middle of it all. Yeah, and a lot of people try to say, I actually really am independent, and it's like, I wish, but then you talk to them a little bit, and they're on one side or the other. It's very difficult because there's no truth anymore. There's no paper.

There's no one. There used to be like, if you watched CBS, NBC, ABC News, there was a journalistic integrity that they subscribed to, and both sides said, these are the facts. There's no news outlet any longer that both sides look at. No.

That's a really important point. It's very clear. it's cut and dry how did that happen i don't know i want i'm curious to know when it happened like what at what time period of politics did that become the notion of the shift of like an obvious this is precisely who we're who we're for and it's clear i was watching cnn Fox News back and forth after the debate, and it was so fascinating, man. It was like, who is telling the truth? What is happening here? These are two totally different stories, and they're so clear on one side or the other.

Fox News was so clear on Trump's side, and CNN was so clear on Hillary's side and CNN was so clear on Hillary's side. They switched places in one day. CNN and Fox News, they just switched places overnight. CNN is the fear network and Fox News is the reality. What news do you follow, Jeff? I follow it all. I don't follow any news. I watch and read a lot of news. You have like an aggregator

on your phone that pulls from different news sources? I just tend to search up topics. I'm curious what Chris Christie's up to this week or Al Franken. I'll just get someone on my mind. Sometimes I'll go to Politico and usually there's a great angle that you hadn't thought of.

Politico and Guardian are good for different angles. Yeah, Guardian's good. Yeah, because they're outside. Well, originally, I guess there's a lot of their writers are Americans now, right? Did you see the Guardian? Initially it was UK. Yeah, you want some water? Yeah, I'm good, dude. I don't know what's going on. That weed's strong. Did you see that Guardian article by Glenn Greenwald about this unsubstantiated attacks on Trump? It was really interesting. What, like fake news? Yeah.

And he was talking about what Eisenhower had warned about, the military industrial complex. I was like, wow, this is a crazy, bold bold article and they predicted a trump-like figure rising up well it's not just that like he's talking about how the deep state is attacking trump like that's that's what he's bringing up that the deep state is attacking him and going after him yeah and that like the cia and the intelligence agencies like they're making some sort of a concerted effort to single him out and go after him and destroy his person, destroy his – excuse me, destroy his public persona. And that's where all the urine thing came from. When you get into politics, all this stuff. But those stories are crazy.

The FBI doesn't give a fuck about politics they care about the fbi and if anybody crosses them the way trump already has yeah they're gonna try to bury him yeah but i mean think about that when has there ever been a time where an unsubstantiated story about a guy who's the president-elect about peeing on beds when is there ever they've talked about that like so openly yeah it's been it's been so open that his last press conference he shut down the rumor by saying he's a germaphobe that's how massive of a story that is that during one of the most important press conferences he addressed that fucking thing he had and it didn't stop there then he went on to talk about well you know everybody knows his camera is in the room i mean you know what am i stupid it wasn't about

what am i immoral it was what am i stupid right it's unbelievable yeah and then you watch how he i don't think i've ever seen i mean this might be me being ignorant but i don't know if i've ever seen a president in a press conference or president-elect shut down a source like he did CNN. He was like, I won't talk to you. I don't know if I've ever seen a president single one out. They probably slyly ignore certain journalists that they don't want to fucking talk to, but I've never seen one be like, I don't talk to CNN. I don't talk to that news source. Fuck you.

Well, I think that there's a protocol for who you go to first. I don't talk to that news source. Fuck you. Well, I think that there's a protocol for who you go to first. Like for years, the first question always went to that one old woman from the Associated Press. Yeah, from the AP. She was always the first question. And then after that, I think it was – there was a certain pecking order to it. And Trump just basically said, you know, I'm going to choose what news and questions you guys hear from now on.

The press corps is no longer traveling with him. It's the first time a president has not had the press corps with him at all times. It's crazy. Well, and his reasoning was, he was like, what, are you going to watch me eat food? That's what he thought that they were at. He's like, no, they're interested in what's going on. They're interested in what this conversation you might be having with someone of some sense of importance. But he was like, I don't want you watching me

do simple shit. But that's just part of their fucking gig. That's what they've always done. And then I think about that. How much simple shit have they seen where it's so annoying? At some point, they've got to be like, fuck, this is so boring. Especially when they get on Air Force One and they're going to fucking Russia for 10 hours and they're just sitting around and so they can do like a 30 second photo op

and yell questions at them and then another 10 hour flight home. And imagine like some, one of the guys in the group is just like, I think I'm going to go talk to him. And the other guy's like, don't do it. Don't go fucking,

don't go in his room, dude. It's like, what? I think we're cool now, man. We've had some moments, you know, I feel like, don't be that guy. And dude. It's like, what? I think we're cool now, man. We've had some moments. I feel like, don't be that guy.

And then the rest of the nine-hour plane flight is fucking miserable. When he was praising Kanye West for supporting him, I remember watching that on TV and going, is this real life? Yeah, it was a trip. Is this real life? Wait, I read the greatest. I wish I know the source, just because I don't want to fucking say somebody else's shit,

but there was just a meme floating around on the internet that said, I bet you eight years ago when Obama gained presidency, there were so many fucking extremists going, I bet you the first people he's going to talk to are rappers and Steve Harvey.

And then you see fucking that Trump just drags in rappers and Steve Harvey. I loved it. I was like, that's who trump just drags in rappers i loved it i thought it was i was like that's so fucking true how many white extremists were like he's gonna talk to rappers in the white house and it's trump that's doing it yeah it's great yeah it's so funny who else is he talking to like who else is he like publicly King? Don King. He loves Don King. They've had a relationship in the past. They go back.

He gets to invite his actual friends. Do you remember when Obama was in trouble? They are getting ambassadorships. It's going to be crazy. No, not Christy. Christy's getting nothing. I don't mean his political friends. I mean his friends Yeah his life friends

His lawyer, his buddies Do you guys remember when it was a big deal That Obama was attached to that really radical professor Who was one of the weathermen Is that what it was? And they were like doing acid And having orgies and shit And robbing banks or something

And he was like a part of that in some way and he was a professor that obama knew in college and there was always this big controversy that he knew this radical terrorist right that obama is like some fucking sleeper guy no but he was no but he did have to distance himself from the guy because he the guy did have some very um pro uh se, what do they call it? Blacks that think you should return to Africa and whites should pay for it. He was one of those guys.

Secessionist? Yeah, I guess that would be. Secessionist? Secessionist. Secession, yeah, to secede. So we know he had to back off from that guy. But it's, what about the guy who marched?

Have you guys seen his brother? Do you know about his brother on fucking Twitter? Obama's brother. Do you know this account? Have you heard about this? No. There's like a guy who's saying he's his brother and it's like, he's like, I don't support him, I support Trump. You haven't seen this? Yeah, I saw something in the paper.

He's pretending to be his brother? You saw this? Yeah. Yeah, this is. He's a half brother. he's a half brother that is fake news it probably is who knows about fake news he was talking about it too i think that was fake but trump's but trump was fucking talking trump was talking this dude like thanks for the support like thanks for not supporting your half brother i mean you want to talk about fake news. How about Trump ran around for three years saying that fucking Obama wasn't born in this country.

That was crazy. I mean, that was the beginning of fake news. Let me see his ID. Let me see his birth certificate. And then how about the irony? Now Trump won't show his fucking taxes. He won't. His excuse is even after the audit's over,

what do people need to see now? Like, that's the reasoning. It's like, what do you want to see? If I get audited, and I fucking deal with the government through the audit,

what do you need to know other than we're taking care of it? I think people want to know how much money he has borrowed from China and Russia. Yeah. Because that could really affect his uh you know policy absolutely i thought that that was like one of the things that you had

to divulge your income you do wasn't that a deal with howard that's why howard didn't eventually like really run for governor after a certain point because they wanted him to divulge his taxes that's how they found out he hasn't paid his taxes. He doesn't pay taxes because of his major loss a long time ago. Oh, that was that weird thing, right? The Atlantic City loss. He had to make some disclosure, but he doesn't. It's a general summary of his income. It would also say how much.

He has money in certain types of ways, but it's not his income taxes where you know what he spent on phone calls and security and everything. It's just investments and shit. It would also tell you how much he's donated to charity, which he doesn't want people to know. I mean, he created his own charitable, what do you call it? Charity. Charitable fund. Charitable charity. Charitable charity.

And apparently he hasn't given any money to it in like two or three years. It's just been money he solicited from people on the outside to give to his charity that then he disperses. Yeah, that's so crazy. But that's the whole thing is like, then do we know that that's real too? Like that's the other – I don't know. Right. I would like to think that's got to be true, but then I'm like, I don't know. No, because they can solicit the records of his charity.

Of the nonprofit. Right. Right, right, right, right, right. But they can't do it for his personal and private. God, that's so nuts. Game over. Game over. He'll be president for 20 years.

He's going to change it. He's going to step aside, let his buddy take over like Putin did in Russia, and then eventually one of his kids or something. This is it. Hello. Game over. Get on board. Game over.

You really think so? Yeah. Chris Rock was saying that on stage. A bit wrapped around that. It was very funny. And I was stopping to think. I was like, we're all laughing. But if something like that did happen, if it wasn't Trump, if it was somebody like that,

maybe it's the next guy to figure out how to do it like that. We essentially exposed the personality contest. You expose the flaw in it. You're not looking for the best leader. You're looking for the person who's got the best personality for the job. The person who's got the best story. It's a reality show.

Which is why he fucking won. Scott Adams, the guy who wrote Dilbert, he's a really, really smart guy. He predicted Trump winning a long time ago. And the reason why he predicted it, he said he's the most persuasive guy I've ever seen. He said he's incredibly persuasive. He just understands the art of persuasion extremely well. And he's like, just if you looked at it mathematically, this guy has a really good chance.

And he predicted he was going to be president. And people gave him so much shit. And he doesn't even vote. He's a really interesting guy, very, very smart guy, and he wasn't saying that Trump was going to be president because he's a big Trump supporter, and he was – it wasn't that. He just – he was looking at it like pragmatically. He was like, this guy has incredible abilities of persuasion. Well, he's broken every single rule. Every conventional wisdom about running for president, he broke and won.

So now it's like you said, Jeff, who fucking knows? Who knows? There's nothing normal anymore. You think he gets two terms easy and then after that he's just going to line up people? Then there's no more terms. No more terms. No more terms. That's it.

No, then it's just there's no more terms no more terms no more terms that's it no then it's just there's no more voting you really think so i feel like it's going to get interesting i don't i feel like he locks up his own military is going to start he's already marginalized the press he's told he's got he's told his followers around him the press is lying you're not arresting him you're not impeaching him he's staying in the the White House for like two nights a week. He's not moving. He's not even moving to fucking D.C. He's not going to. He's going to stay in New York.

He's having a satellite White House in New York City. He wants a satellite in Manhattan. You should have seen the video. The way he operates, there's no way he's going to the White House and having all that around him. No chance. I don't think so. You know what's so funny? I think for a little while to make it look good.

I am fucking freaking out right now. People in New York are bullshit about the traffic around us. But then again, he might like it there and stay. I could see him going, you know what? It's not so bad. Let's fix it. He likes it when he can rub elbows with famous people. That's what's so funny about this inauguration weekend for him is that he couldn't get any celebrities, that's all he really cares about that was the most important thing and then he got that one young they offered

it to that one young singer that chick and she said um i'll i'll do it if i can sing um oh what is that fucking song uh it's about it's about slavery in America and about black people swinging from the trees. Sweet Home Alabama? Yes, that's the one. That's it. But she basically was like, I'll do it if you let me sing this song. And of course they were like, no, absolutely not.

But she was just like, I'll come do it because every artist in the world was like, I'm not singing there. Absolutely not. No chance, no chance, no chance. How strange is that? Have you ever heard anything like that where there's no artist that you know about that want to go to that there's one country guy and he's fucking nuts who's the country guy um

what's the country guy's name was saying are you singing is it hank williams tonight Is it Hank Williams Jr.? It was tonight. Oh, Leo Greenwood or whatever? No. No, bigger. This guy's huge. Toby Keith. Toby Keith? Toby Keith? That guy's fucking massive. He's massive. He's singing there?

I think it was tonight, actually. Kobe Teeth? Kobe Teeth? Toby Keith, Lee Greenwood, and Three Doors Down were the main. Yeah. Three Doors Down. Where's that from? They're every band you've never heard.

They have that one song. What was it? They have one big star. Superman. What is it? Rosanne Barr is singing an actual anthem. Oh, Kryptonite. Rosanne Barr is singing an actual anthem.

That's a good song. Is she really? Yeah. Yeah, but they're done. Yeah, they're done. That's a good song. That's one. If I go crazy, man, will you still call me Superman?

Right? Is that it? Yeah. I don't know. Is that it? Yeah, it's a good song. If I go crazy. Yeah, it is a good me Superman? Right? Is that it? I don't know. Is that it? That's a good song. If I go crazy. Yeah, it is a good song.

Are they going to sing that for him? Is that going to be the show? You know, they had a Bruce Springsteen cover band booked, and they fucking canceled. Did they really cancel? Yeah, you didn't hear about this? What? Yeah, yeah. They had a Bruce Springsteen cover band.

Sorry, Don. We're born to run. Well, they were going to do it, and then they got so much shit from their fans, and then they said, we're stepping down out of respect to the boss. Is that what they said? The boss. Did he issue a statement? The boss isn't cool with this.

Did the boss say anything about it? I don't think he had to. The boss does not like Trump. I think his – We got a gig on the internet. No, but I was wondering if he publicly made a statement about the fucking – the cover band playing. You know what I mean?

No, I think Bruce's fans were very vocal with these guys. Everybody who probably got an email about some fucking gig is like, I turned it down. These guys were signed up. That is a good play. That's a good publicity move. Yeah, it is.

I bet you could find a comic that would do it in a heartbeat. Who do you think would do it? I'm sure there's a bunch of people that would do it. I heard Mar Who do you think would do it? I'm sure there's a bunch of people that would do it. I heard Marlee Maitland is going to sing. I heard that I heard they got David Bowie. They're going to get holograms.

Celebrities against their will. That's what he would do. He'd get a get holograms celebrities against their will that's what he would do he'd get a prince hologram yeah i know this i know for the inaugural parade secret service is on high alert in case donald tries to attack somebody why didn't kanye play it he's at the uh he's at another inauguration he said he's not American enough or something. What? What? I'll find the quote real quick. Even the people that are doing it are not necessarily saying they support Trump.

They're saying that they're supporting patriotism. They need the money. Yeah. They need the money. Toby Keith's supporting Trump. He is. He came up on stage with a red Dixie cup and cheered him. Did a big cheers.

I swear to God. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. He's not traditionally American enough is sort of the quote they said. Who said that? Who said that? Trump's team that was asked, inauguration committee, that Kanye is not American enough. That's so ridiculous.

What does that even mean? Not American enough? What about Kid Rock? I'm surprised Kid Rock didn't do it. How is Kid Rock not on the card? I don't know what kind of show you think this is. Anyone they can get. Who knows?

I don't know what it is. Did you guys see this? Ted Nugent grabbing his dick at the Trump rally. Oh, he was there? Have you not seen this video? He was grabbing his dick? This was up in Michigan. This is a great video of Ted Nugent.

If you have never seen this. We were born and raised to be a productive American in the asset column. By that spirit of real Michigan. That spirit of the greatest state in the nation that should not. We must not let it get lumped together. He's dressed like a fisherman in a rabbit. Do you have that? In Illinois and New York and New Jersey and Maryland and Massachusetts.

I got your blue state right here, baby. He just grabbed his dick and he said, I got your blue state right here, baby. Ted Nugent, baby. He's very happy. You're a big Nuge fan. Love to catch scratch fever. Dude, Stranglehold. Great fucking song.

I got your blue state right here. It's amazing. Someone, Funny or Die, did a thing where they kept zooming in on him grabbing his penis to accentuate the physical hold of his penis. Oh, he actually went for it? Yeah, no, no. He physically grabs it. It looks like he's holding onto a lighter.

Oh, my God. And they fucking kept punching in on it to show him doing it. When did he do that? When did that take place? This was at a rally in, I think it's Michigan. Do you have it up there?

Really recently? I'm going to see. I just got it sent. That happened along the campaign trail. Yeah, it was on the campaign trail. It showed up at some show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a while ago.

Yeah, it was a while ago. I was doing a late crazy thing, the victory tour. Like, how do you win the election and then go to the states you won? Wouldn't you go to the states that you lost and see what they have to say? No. Yeah, this is a different experience. And then going after SNL's cast members, that was kind of weird.

Every week, not just once. Well, Alec Baldwin's one thing you would ever go after, but you go, and the cast isn't funny. I was like, oh, jeez. 23-year-old, first job, now the president saying the hell out of his Twitter that I'm not funny. I think the beauty of it is it's just fuel for the fire.

He doesn't have to go to the cast. How could he say? Fucking SNL's benefiting from that. I think it's fantastic. Oh, it's great for them. If I were him, I would tweet next week. Now that's funny. They got me. He should make like he was just being tough. Well, the thing about this country is

we love it when we hate somebody and then we like them again. So all he has to do is that. All he has to do is put out some positive tweets and be conciliatory and then watch the country just sweep him up in the air. Look at what happened to Bush after 9-11. That's true.

He had the lowest favorability rating of any president in history. After 9-11, he shot up to 80%. That's right. I remember that. They said Trump has the lowest incoming president-elect approval rating in the history. How do they compile that? That's a very good question. I've always wondered. I was like, how do they compile?

Who are they asking? Exactly. I don't know. Who's taking polls? People that take polls. That's what they're doing. Well, that's like the fucking- Well, the same people that projected the election to go to Hillary.

Well, what's interesting is they were right. Why do we trust them anymore? No, but they were right if it was a popular vote. They actually were right. Yeah. And it's really funny. It just shows how crazy the electoral college system is. But he said, no, it should be a popular vote.

He goes, that's a different race, though. He conceded that it's better to have it be the popular vote. But he would have run a different campaign. Yeah, exactly. He said, that's not the game. He goes, the game is the electoral college vote. And that's the game we played. And we won by a landslide.

He's right. He's right. He played it like a game. They played it like this thing that they've been doing over and over and over again. They fucked up in that they rigged it for so long that their popularity contest got taken over by someone who's actually popular, like an actual famous person. And knows how to become – like he knows how to become more popular. Do you know what I mean? Like he understands that some people know the formula of just how to do that.

He knows how to fucking do it. And he's rich as fuck, and he doesn't have to do what they want him to do. It's different. He can finance his own campaign. He gets there. He gets press by talking mad shit and getting people to talk about him. He knows how to do it. Here's the thing that I'm confused about is what's the overall vision?

What is Trumpism? If you think about it, democratic. What's Trumpcratic? That's a good question. Small government. Well, I mean, I think his truths are to make sure taxes are low for people that are earning a lot so those people can stabilize that market that they're already in. You know what I mean? That people don't have to sacrifice at the top. I think's pretty clear about that i mean he's lowered he wants to

lower the fuck out of business tax he wants that to go to the low so he's saying zero government let these people fucking govern themselves let small businesses that's his whole campaign is to keep money up top where it is and fucking let the let let pockets that are pretty thick stay thick i mean i don't i think he's pretty transparent about that. That seems to be a thing that he's pretty obvious about. I think he wants the rich to stay rich, and he's not afraid of saying it. And for some reason, people that are poor are like,

I like it. I like what he's going for. It's crazy. Yeah. It's going to be very, very interesting. I'm really curious to see how this plays out. Oh, it's going to be interesting. There's no doubt about that.

I mean, it's like any other time when I'm not happy about what's going on politically, I just put my head in the sand for a while and I go, I'll just check in in a few months. But I cannot stop reading on my phone and the papers. Like, this is like we're living through a part of history that's probably more turbulent than any other presidential transition. Do you think this is- Except for Johnson and Kennedy. This is a big metaphorical question, but because Obama lived through the age

of the bursting of the internet space and its involvement in politics, of Twitter and Instagram and all this shit. This is bigger. This is even bigger than that. America's Instagram and all this shit. This is bigger. This is even bigger than that. America's midlife breakdown right now. This is it. This is us bottoming out.

Halfway. This is the halfway point. I hope we got another 200 years. I think Trump is president for 20 years or three days or it's like something terrible. But do you think, but do you think. Do you worry about something terrible? Sorry to interrupt yeah because because i think he had a real control over his message in america you know he has friends who own the tabloids remember i was i remember flying with him never mind but it's like

i remember flying with him once no fuck you go back you can't you can't just fly past that. Some of his best friends own tabloids. Wow. You know? Yeah. And those are his boys. It's like the Koch family. They had all the bad stories locked up. But now once it starts happening in Russia and stuff, he doesn't have quite the hold on it.

People can really get to him. And then, you know, he's not young. Yeah, I worry about something bad happening. It may not end well for him. You know know he's not young yeah i worry about something bad happen it may not end well for him you know it's really a tricky one but another part of me says get behind it because you're gonna be around for the rest of my life the glenn greenwald thing is an interesting angle though because glenn greenwald is a really respected journalist he's the guy exposed wiki leaks he's a guy who a lot of people go to and he's not without his criticisms right i mean a lot of people criticize him like he's had this ongoing feud with sam harris um but if you you

look at like what he's what he's talking about here if there's any shred of truth to it that you're seeing like this old institution attack this new coming incoming guy and do it in a foolish way that actually kind of strengthens this this disbelief that people have in the news like if they make up some crazy story and you hear cnn talking about it and all these other people talking about it unsubstantiated reports that involved lewd activities and golden showers like what who the fuck is doing this like who's doing this like what are you trying to do? Because by doing this, especially when it looks obvious and dumb like that did, it makes his case look stronger. It's almost like something that he would do to attack himself. That's like how Nero burnt Rome.

You might do something like that, attack yourself, so that you look vulnerable. Do you think he did that? No, no, I don't. It's not that true, but what he's great at is a counterpuncher. I've been living in New York City during his entire reign of popularity. He's a great counterpuncher. So if something happens, even if you perceive it as bad for him, he knows how to work that.

That's what he talked about with Kanye West when he was talking about Kanye. He says, I always counterpunch. And I saw him do that every time. A friend would say, oh, boy, this is really going to sink him. And I go, watch. But you can't run a country like that. You can win an office, but you can't. Who knows?

Who knows what he's going to do? I'm just super curious. He probably knows, but we don't know. You know, if you're right about saying that he's never going to leave, then obviously that's going to become a problem. But if you're not right about it and he does manage to show some flaws in the system and expose them. Then it could be great. Sure.

Maybe. No one else is going to do it other than Bernie. If Bernie won, and obviously they were conspiring to keep Bernie out, but if Bernie won, we could have seen some really weird changes in the system. Yeah, I think so. And overall, he would be a mood shifter. Like Bernie would be a guy that is like, that's kind of what a lot of people are looking for, someone who's not money-oriented, someone who's for the people,

someone who lives a fairly simple life for a guy like that. Like the Pope. When the Pope got in, you were like, oh, he cares about the poor bernie was like the pope they became friends the whole thing yeah like the pope got rid of that throne he went with a more casual dress yeah yeah it's in a lot of ways like what bernie would have represented i think is uh someone who's not of the same cloth as we're used to we someone who's concerned about equality across the board. The system's broken. Yeah, sorry.

No, that's it. You're right. And then instead of the guy who should or the woman who should or could have, they're fighting the wrong game all the time. Hillary was probably a great, smart person, but you drift into distractions and she's trying to – But there's also the – And then something weird happens, like the wiring goes haywire, and the guy who's the most popular at something completely different gets in there on a freak of nature. He also – I mean this country has gone through in 50 years –

You can't tell me it's not amusing. It's definitely amusing. Yeah. There's a little part of glee in your heart where it goes, what? The Supreme Court? It's like seeing the whole thing. As comedians,

I think we all have something to talk about for the next four years. It made everyone's life a lot more interesting all of a sudden. Don't you think that there's a certain amount of intimidation about criticizing him? Yeah. There's some real intimidation that comes from him. He's a legitimate, powerful man.

Would you want to be on his enemies list? No. Fucking no. No, it would be horrible. And everybody feels like that. And with great power comes great responsibility. And that's one of the things that people are really terrified of with a guy like that because he's got so much power and so much influence he didn't used to he was a joke in a weird way to a lot of people but i always knew that he could actually do things like

when you see him in new york you go all of a sudden you're like holy shit there's a tower there it was not there yeah yeah he's people think he's willy-nilly like shooting from the hip he's He's not there. Yeah. People think he's willy-nilly, like shooting from the hip. He's patient. Builds buildings. Yeah.

It's different. When I grew up in New York, he was, you know, when he was a celebrity in New York and not the country, he was just a slumlord. That's how we talked about him in my family. You know, he was just a guy who had suits against him. He owned projects. And it was pretty well known back then that he was a slumlord. Twitter's a hobby for him. I think building is his occupation.

That's a really hard thing to do. I remember the skating rink popping up. And he was always talking about taking over swaths of land in New York. When you were lucky to get a little apartment somewhere, this guy was going to buy like the whole – where the trains were, the subways used to be. It's like you were in all of that. You couldn't help it even if you didn't – and his politics didn't emerge until much later. He just kind of kept it cool and was just like a playboy and a personality and it was like a kick to see him around. He always loved a good joke. He was generous.

So I get it. A lot of smart New Yorkers. I'm not surprised. Some of the smartest, most successful people I know in New York supported him. Do you think, though, that the level of responsibility that you have when you become the president, the amount of power that you have, do you think that anybody can really manage that correctly? It's a ridiculous position. One of the things it's exposing, this is exposing how ridiculous the position is. That you could get someone who's just this

one popular person that gets into place and run this entire thing. One person running anything is crazy. Well, are we overstating how much the president really runs? Look what he's doing. No, but I'm saying once you're in office, do you think president has as much power as people? We're going to find out. We're going to find out what kind of power he has because look what he's doing. Look what you're talking about with the press corps.

Look what you're talking about with the security. You don't just get power. You accumulate power. He's accumulating leverage and power and by putting people around him more and more he can't operate without his family he's always gonna have his family around it's like you don't just suddenly tell a indycar driver tomorrow you're driving a nascar like he's been doing it a certain way and yeah but his but his son and his daughter or his two sons they can't advise him on policy because they're running

his companies they have to never have a conversation with him again about businesses or politics yeah sure come on that sounds so ridiculous yeah there's just no fucking way but even if that's how it is, it's still his family.

Yeah. But you know what? That's so weird that they won't let him talk to him about it. That's, he got it. He's going to be the richest guy in history. He's going to be a mythical figure. Do you hear about some oligarch that got arrested and said that he thinks Putin's the richest guy in history? No, dude.

Is it possible? I mean. He will become. You become you're gonna bet against it i don't think so larger than life this will make him larger than life it'll just be he'll be like a fucking it will be a myth if there's a huge scandal it's not going away he's got a million kids and family i don't know i mean if you think about what's coming out in the last year i guess scandal makes him stronger he fucking billy bush got fucking trampled on the fucking on the bus thing. I think it just made him stronger. Do you think if this whole story about the Russian prostitutes pissing on him got corroborated? Do you think it would hurt him?

I read someone. I read someone said that they thought he'd fucking started that shit. I was like, that's a fucking interesting angle. What if he was like, yeah, that's what Joe was saying. Yeah, that's what I was just saying. Yeah. I was like, that's a fucking interesting angle. What if he was like, yeah, run with this story. Yeah, that's what Joe was saying. That's what I was just saying. Yeah. Like, why not?

How high are you? Yeah. High. Even if you don't think so. Well, yeah, I don't think that's the case, but I do think that. But he knows how to turn that stuff around pretty quick. Yeah, those attacks are foolish. So you've already proven that he's Kevlar.

Like, he got past grab the pussy video so then what are they but then but then conversely then what then you can't do anything then so what what's the legitimate thing that you can't come out about him if you present real facts they get kind of pushed away if you present these crazy news stories it just fuels the fire so what what do you do then it's a good question what is the what does the opposition do because anything they come up with is either fake news to him or it's something crazy that makes people go dude how funny was that they pissed on that fucking bed that about i mean it just becomes then it becomes like a social bit the worst thing that could take place is that people

decide while he's in power that he can't be in power people decide that there can't be a president anymore we've decided as a nation that we're going to abolish this and we're going to start a whole new system of government. That is where shit could get really crazy. That would get crazy. That's what Susan Sarandon wants. Does she want that? Yeah, she remember when he was running for president,

he said, she goes, maybe Trump should win because maybe it's time we do have a revolution in the streets. Maybe we need to change it. It's like, yeah, that's easy to say when you're on the fifth and a five-story brownstone with guards, you know, not fucking living in the projects during a revolution. It's harder for a rich person to say that. A poor person has nothing to lose and would call for revolution. But when a rich person does it, I think she's got something. Or?

Do you think they'd be coming for her first? Probably. Yeah. When I talked to Trump, somebody said, how'd you do that? He's like, he's like Hitler. I go, if he's Hitler, you'll be glad I'm friends with him because I'm going to, otherwise I'm giving up your fucking home address. Man.

Well, it's bizarre too because he's actually like publicly in support of Putin. And he talks about Putin being a smart guy. He's a businessman. So he talks with whoever he's been friends with. That's how it works. None of this should be taken away from him or a surprise. He'll figure all that out. But he can't pretend that these aren't his pals.

And if you meet somebody famous once or twice and they're nice to you. That's all he's – plus his stuff is deep. He would go over there. He would bring TV shows there. All that stuff is – we're a client. We're another piece of commerce in his portfolio of how he does business. So when he picks up the phone and he knows some guy in Japan. Of course he's going to mention his properties.

And that's how he gets going. How he gets going. What if that works? Really? Well, that's what Putin did. What if that's a better system? Yeah, Putin used government and private ownership to amass fortunes. And then get his friends fortunes. It's kind of, it's almost going to take something like this

to make people realize that this is a ridiculous system. I mean, otherwise, we would never figure it out. We'd just still look for a better and better version of the impossible person. Maybe it's a great system. Maybe we're all looking it wrong. It's such that we've tested it. Anybody can become president.

Well, maybe it is a good system because it's got that, and it's got all the checks and balances in place. You know? I mean, maybe it is a good system because it's got yeah it's got that and it's got all the checks and balances in place you know i mean maybe it is a good system because of all the bureaucracy it's like something beyond politics and what's right and wrong and i've heard that argument dynasty is not the right thing so it's time for you know civilization had a great run. What else you got? Well, what's crazy is that it's as dark as it can fucking get. How much, how much, see, here's the thing. There are wars going on right now. There's wars going on right now.

And we will always say. How about a fucking waitress? Down here? Fucking wars going on, no drink. But there's wars going on right now. But they're just not going on right here. Are we just naive? Are we naive to not understand the danger?

I think it might be coming. You really think so? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah. What would stop it at this point? I don't think anything is... Like a war with Russia? There aren't a lot of barriers.

No. No, no, no, no, no. What would England or France or Germany? No. Why would we go to war with Germany or France or England? Anything's possible. Leaking? Well, also, what you define...

Cyber warfare? Yeah, cyber warfare is what it's all about. We had natural boundaries before, but now you see that they can hack into the FBI and the CIA and fucking – There's a known unknown now, and don't presume anything. It's true. It's true. Yeah. Okay, here's the scenario. I'm not saying it would be so crazy, but I wouldn't presume it's not.

Outside of a dictator, what would be the ideal way outside of a dictator what would be the ideal way to run a nation like what what would be better than having this one alpha that we keep putting in place which seems pretty ridiculous at this point which seems like we might have fucked up and got a super alpha in there well i don't think that the the framers of the constitution didn't see the presidency as being such a big deal. He was kind of a lead administrator, but he wasn't supposed to be the be-all, end-all of power in this country. So I think we probably want to ratchet that position down a little bit. That's what they told the guy that they didn't give it to. This is not even that cool of a thing.

Yeah, it's just a weekend thing. You don't want to do that. Come on, you want to do that come on you want to get in there and write the laws right you don't want to be kissing babies and go to photo out draw sketch ops no i don't know what kind of photo ops they had back were you a bernie supporter um no i was kind of a pragmist about it i wasn't a supporter of anybody except uh um i'm pretty much i was against trump winning so anybody but trump type of thing right yeah so i'd love to say like my wife was a big bernie supporter i would like to say i was but i think i was just

i was betting on the best horse but i thought it was the best it was actually you didn't even make the bet but you were hope you had a horse in mind yeah and it didn't win that's what it was like well but you didn't lose any money i mean i can't sit here and say for all the bad things i say about trump i can't sit here and tell you that i was passionate about hillary or that i even like her you know right i just saw it as the the lesser two evils yeah you saw her as business as usual, not business way worse. That's exactly right. Yeah, yeah.

It seemed like it was just another thing to, like, woman president, huge, great, has the relationships that exist that we already know, so you're like, okay. It was almost like, yeah, put the next, the assistant coach has been there for a while, just, yeah, do that. Like, that's what it felt like in my brain

that was going to happen, but gotta say i was shooting the night that people were watching it and of course we're here in los angeles like fucking not one of those crew members isn't hardcore left and watch people watching it on their phones and like the reactions were like complete confusion it was crazy to watch from this perspective, and I wonder what it was like watching from Michigan. Greg and I did a live podcast. Oh yeah, that was crazy. Yeah, we did a live podcast with

Burr and Stan Hope and Burt Kreischer. Oh, I saw it on YouTube after. That's right. It was chaos. I bailed. I couldn't handle it. It was so crazy. First of all, they're fucking passing joints around the whole time. And I thought, this is a celebration party.

Yeah, why not? I didn't realize I was going to go into the most confusing moment of my life. And I just bailed. As soon as it looked like it was going to Trump, I just like, all of a sudden, I look up and Joe's fucking laughing and Stan Hope is carrying on. I'm like, there's nothing funny anymore. It's over. And I just went and I sat in my car in front of my house for like two hours. Wow. Stan Hope is carrying on. I'm like, there's nothing funny anymore. It's over. And I just went and I sat in my car in front of my house for like two hours.

Wow. Yeah. Jesus Christ, dude. You're bumming me out. I know. Listen. We were having fun. I know you were. You guys were having fun.

We were just, it was just Burr killing. Yeah. For like four hours. Yeah. He was on fire that night. He was on fire. He was on fire. And then when weed became legal and Burr took a hit. Yeah. He doesn't smoke pot. He He was on fire. He was on fire. And then when weed became legal and Bird took a hit, he doesn't smoke pot.

He went right in there. The whole fucking room. Somebody came out from, Bird Kreischer, I think, came from the back and he announced that pot was now legal in California. And three out of four people in the audience immediately lit up and there was a cloud of smoke that just took over the room. This is the photo from the actual moment. Fuck. Troy Conrad took this photo of the moment. Bert takes his shirt off.

Bert's running around. And there's all these people in the front row. We're all going crazy right here. Everyone's going crazy. That's the very moment when we found out that pot was legal in California. We were doing a live podcast from the main room. Jeff Ross just walked back in but yeah

Troy Conrad the other crazy thing is that Doug Stanhope's girlfriend at the time or still but she was in a coma at the time she's not anymore

she's thankfully she's healthy it was just crazy that Doug powered through wait to hear what's next Jeff Doug's a fucking trooper, man. Not many people would have powered through right there. He's a special human. I talked about it.

Doug Stanhope is a special human. I've known that guy for a long time, man. He's the real deal. I mean, he actually did move to Bisbee, Arizona, and essentially start a whole community of weirdos that live down there and hang out and work with them and do podcasts with them. He's kind of using

the podcast as an open mic. That's how he rants and that's how he's coming up with material. His whole setup is very interesting, man. He's the real deal. I've listened to it. Yeah, I've listened to it a bunch of times.

His podcast is awesome. But he owns like – he's like a real estate mogul in his fucking town. Get out of here. Yeah, he owns a bunch of houses. When houses go up for sale, he buys them. They're all like $4,000. He owns a ton of houses. He was telling me about it.

He's fucking buying the town. He's going to be the Trump of Bisbee, Arizona. That's what he's going to be. Doug Sando buying the town he's gonna be the trump of bisbee arizona that's what he's gonna be doug sandals got i own this town he's gonna be like the bad guy in road house remember the bad guy i own this town that's what that's what stanhope's gonna do everybody will have to dress like him i'm telling him thinking about moving there he's sometimes i think about moving there i'm like why not let's fucking join them. He's seven miles away from Mexico. If shit gets weird, you go left, you go right. Pick your poison. What do you want to do? Drug cartels or rednecks?

What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? He's got a weird spot, man. They see people. When you're near the border like that, you see families coming over. I've talked to dudes who've been uh hunting in arizona and uh there's areas that they avoid because uh too many people are um coming over the border and they're they walk you know and they they'll even put things on their shoes like big

chunks of carpet um and they uh uh tie them down to your to their shoes so that they don't make any footprints. The hunters? No, the fucking Mexicans coming over from the border. They'll wear things on their feet so that they don't leave obvious tracks. He's like, it's crazy. I know guys that have seen them down there and run into them. It's like a super common thing. So there is a trickle of people.

It's also pretty comfortable because it would be like running across the border on a carpeted area. High class. They did it for comfort. It just so happened to cover up the tracks. A lot of those folks die. A lot of those folks go over and they get dehydrated. They don't have enough water and they get stuck in the desert. They try to come over in July and August.

You could get fucked. Yeah. In southern Arizona? Yeah. desert you know they try to come over like in july and august like you could get fucked yeah in southern arizona yeah if somebody doesn't pick you up you know there's supposed to be someone to come and pick you up i mean they have like this whole system i guess set up how they get people over here it's kind of crazy man it's kind of crazy that we have like this boundary in the dirt that we decide if you're born over there you're fucked you stay over there you're born over there, you're fucked. You stay over there. You're born over here, you're on our team. It's all just, they're just, if you pull back from it and you look at this connection between Mexico and the United States,

it's like it's a landmass. It's one landmass. Like Mexico is physically connected to us. It's a part of us. If we were a being, that would be like being at war with our foot or not letting our foot come in the shower. No, you can't wash. I'm going to wash the whole body.

This is a part of the entire – this thing. To break it off into these imaginary lines in the sand is no different than us telling Seattle they have to go fuck themselves. No one from Seattle can come over here. It's the same thing. It's just they don't – they obviously aren't under our constitution or our laws or any of that thing, but they're connected to us. They're literally a part of us. They're right there. But it's like what you said before about tribalism.

It's just so deep. It's crazy. It's random, and yet it's deep, like a sports team. It's like any guy can get traded any given year, but you're still going to cheer for that fucking color uniform. Of course. Even though like the Mets in 86, 86 after they won the world series they fucking traded everybody off and they weren't the mets anymore but people were still like you know wearing the jerseys and cheering yeah here's the question like how do you how do you

stop something like that just well the hope was globalism would you know that with all of us having access to the internet in our pockets with the same as people from india that there would be this you know uh you know the people had this amazing image of all the walls falling down and but that's not doesn't seem to be happening do you think no because cult i mean you're getting we're getting more connected but but culture means a lot to people and they're going to keep it and that identifies them with who they are. So they're never going to get rid of that and just become super – otherwise, the westernization of the world would just be them all being us. I mean what's the end answer?

It's like everyone should be the same, but most places you go around the world that are westernized quote-unquote that are globalized it's it looks like us yeah but i mean we know for a fact that like apple goes to china and pays people pennies and they have nets all around the buildings where these people live and work they have dormitories and they cover them with nets we know about foxconn we know we know that story so we know and we still buy these fucking phones i didn't even think twice i didn't even think twice i'm like those fucking jumpers make a hell of a phone wait wait put the phone down before you jump breast a little one dollar an hour hearts or whatever the fuck they get paid and we we accept that and we accept that not just in China, but all throughout South America. There's a bunch of different factories that employ people that pay them pennies compared to what they would have to pay the same person in America.

So what are you saying? That we care less about them because they're not Americans. Exactly. Yeah, we literally allow people to give them slave wages. Well, we would consider slave wages. Like if someone took a guy like you and made you work for what someone at, you know, the blah, blah, blah factory that makes, you know, fucking jeans or sneakers

or whatever the fuck they make. If they made you work for that amount, you would think you were in jail. You're like, oh my God, I have to live off of this. These people control me. They own me. They have paralyzed me with poverty. Like there's no way I'll ever be able to escape this and the only argument against it is well the quality of their

life is much better than it was before the factory got there you know before the factory got there nobody made any money at all because they were eating coconuts and mangoes and they were catching fish like they didn't need any money like you made them work there's a lot of these places where you're setting up shop like they've been there for thousands and thousands of years they didn't need the factory you know it's maybe the factory is nice to them maybe it is good maybe it does maybe they do become dependent upon it over time but people have existed everywhere all over the planet without factories for a long fucking time you don't need that factory there's a lot of other solutions it's not an either or

proposition like either the factory's there or they never get their shit together like no that's not the case like they could they could develop their own culture and society just like the united states did but if you just make them in prison to these factories where they get paid slave wages in these foreign third world countries that we don't care about as much as we care about detroit or we care about chicago or we care about places that are just like that place connected to us. Yeah, well. I'm a commie or something, right? Jesus.

It's goddamn commie talk. You're real. It's realist. It's gross. The whole thing of not letting those people over here is gross. You're going to end it eventually. When are you going to keep it like that for a million years? A million years from now, we're going to have states and you can't cross.

You can't immigrate from Mexico. So a million years from now, we're still going to have deep poverty in Mexico. We're terrified of the drug war and leaking over our soil. Is that what's going to go on a million years from now? No, we're going to be one united planet, one super organism that can read each other's mind. The Federation. The Corporation. The Corporation.

This is a hiccup along a gigantic trail that leads from us throwing shit at each other from a tree to us being able to transcend literal space and time, become a part of some artificially created dimension that they established. That's 100 years from now or 200 years from now. This is like a, this whole thing we're going through right now is a blip in time. And it's also a challenge to how much technology, uh, really connects us. It's like,

like this guy's going to present a lot of challenges as like how much technology can unite human beings. Well, the problem is, and you and I were talking earlier about uh what's the law called again uh moore's law moore's law that every two years the speed of computers and the memory of computers doubles and that that's held true since the guy came up with the law which was in like 1960 that's the name of it right jamie mo, Moore's Law? Tell me that thing, yeah.

And the problem with it is, I'm reading this book right now about it, and the problem with it is that we can't keep up culturally, emotionally, legally with how fast information is traveling and how, like you said, it's become everybody has access to the same information, but it's also just the ramifications of corporations being able to get into your information. We don't have laws in place that can really tackle that because it's happening so fast. You look at Airbnb. We didn't have laws in place for people renting out their places, paying taxes on using your own car to drive people as a taxi. We're like one step behind progress, and we're going to stay that way because it's happening so fast. I saw a taxi today, and I went, wow, this is going to be like one of those pay phones.

I'm looking at this car. This guy's driving. I'm like, this is going to be a one of those pay phones yeah you know i'm looking at this car this guy's driving like this is going to be a pay phone people are just going to have priuses and they're going to use people are going to take uber and it's better you know what's happening in big cities is uber started replacing the cabs making it tough for cabs and probably buses and private limos certainly now it's starting to cut into cars people are not needing a car in major cities in L.A. And it cuts out all that drinking and driving shit. I watched some guy slam into a fucking barrier last night.

No. Yeah, yeah. I was driving home last night, and there was this guy driving home from the ice house. There was this guy to the left of me, and he was speeding, and he was flying by me, man. And he was losing control of his car a little bit, just a little bit. It was just like he was just wiggling a little. It was wet. The roads were wet, and this guy was just driving way too fast.

He's probably hydroplaning, and I said, this guy is just not keeping it together good. He might be drunk or whatever, so I pull over two lanes. I give him some space, and a minute after i do that bang he hits the fucking side the cement barrier spins out correct spins again fucked his car up no shit and then just came to a standstill in the middle of the highway came to a stop in the left lane yeah to turn in the right direction fortunately his. His car was fucked up, for sure. He might not have been able to drive, but he was at least looking that way. Because sometimes dudes wind up sideways.

And when you wind up sideways on the highway, you're fucked. Because not everybody is going to see you. And it doesn't look like rear taillights. So you're not getting the same kind of reflection that you get. If you saw taillights, even if the guy was stopped in front of you you saw those taillights you would know oh there's a car there like sometimes when people are not totally paying attention and you there's a car that's sideways parked on the road like dude i watched that happen once i was in um new york and i was coming home from a gig with my friend john and uh we were driving and there was a car that was stopped dead in the left lane and it had hazard lights on but the hazard lights were dying. They were like super dim. There was no battery

juice and I saw it and I changed lanes quick but not that far away from it. Like I barely missed it. I missed it by like I don't by 50 yards or something like that. Close enough where it was like, holy shit! Then I look in my rear view and this guy plows into it at full speed. I see the cars in my rear view as I'm driving. I see them spinning in the rear view

mirror. I realize people are probably dying back there. I'm looking at dead people because they hit that thing going 70 miles an hour. Just slammed into it. I used to have visions of a car crash. It's so scary. Have you ever been in a bad car accident?

I've been banged around and spun around mostly when I was old tires as a teenager. But not like a fucking wreck wreck. I got in a couple smaller, not too bad wrecks as a teenager and then but not like a fucking wreck wreck i got in a couple smaller not too bad wrecks as a comedian you know trying to drive yeah yeah drive like in the drive home in the snow and shit because i don't want to pay for a hotel dumb stuff you know i was running late at night and i saw that car there was a really bad car accident a couple months two

months ago on fountain where a girl was fucking shit-faced. And people always fly home on Fountain because it's fast. There's no lights. And a girl must have clipped a curb and then jetted to the other side, like the fucking other side of the road. I mean, and missed parked cars, which was insane, and smashed into one of those concrete walls on the corner. You know what I mean? The apartments have those concrete fucking huge walls. I mean, and it looked like a fucking bulldozer ran into it going 50.

You know what I mean? It was like a million pieces. I mean, there was shit like two blocks up. It was un-fucking-real. When you see someone really hit something with a car, you realize how crazy car travel is and how those autonomous cars are like the future. You're not going to be able to argue against it. Right, because it takes

I mean, we've all been I mean, I've fallen asleep at the wheel on the highway at night. I used to drive from Boston back to New York. Saturday night, I would do two shows, then I'd get in my car wherever the fuck I was and I would drive to New York that night night, I would do two shows. Then I'd get in my car, wherever the fuck I was, and I would drive to New York that night. And I can remember windows open, singing as loud as I could just because I would close my eyes and I would fucking wake up on the shoulder. It was great.

I think about how many times I could have died. I remember when I was a teenager, there was this 69 Cougar that I was going to buy from this kid named Billy Arduino. And it was a muscle car, and he had it fucking jacked up. He was a motorhead. And I was going to buy this car. I didn't know it was Steven Arduino. Where was he from?

Tarrytown. The Arduinos. And so this other kid bought it, and I'm driving down Route 9 right in front of the hospital. It's a two-lane road, but it goes like 50 miles an hour. And I see the car, and it's driving in front of me, and it's a light rain. And I see him. I don't know what the fuck happened, but he started going back and forth. Fish tailing.

A fish tail. I think he was gunning it because he saw me, and he was trying to be a badass. Yeah. Went in the opposite lane, hit this mother and kid fucking head on. And to this day, I can remember the smell of burnt rubber and oil. It happened right in front of me. And the woman was hospitalized. Somehow the kid was okay.

And this fat fuck just got right out of the car. Yeah, nothing happened. Yeah. They chipped a tooth. Yeah. Yeah, when you uh you see people driving really fucked up man there was a um i passed by this uh one of those power boxes whatever it is yeah those things that are on the corner and it had all these um wreaths on it and

all this uh in memory of this person and then i looked up the story and it was two kids. They were racing down the road and some lady pulled out and they clipped the lady and spun her car around but didn't hurt her and went straight into a pole and just died. My best friend's handicapped from doing the exact same thing. High school buddy. He was racing? I just spent New Year's with him. Wow. So be careful out there with him wow so fucking scary

any other three guys in the car walked away being competitive like that on regular streets and racing with people is so fucking dangerous so dangerous it's like you see those painted bikes that are chained to poles that represent bikers that died oh is that what that is?

well LA doesn't really have a lot of it in Chicago it's big where I'm from it's a big thing of, is that what that is? Well, LA doesn't really have a lot of it. In Chicago, it's big. Where I'm from, it's a big thing of like commuter bikes, passenger bikes, and messengers. They get hit all the fucking time, and then when they die, they spray paint it white, and then they chain it to the pole

at the intersection. And my mom was saying it was like, she said, fucking one year, it was almost like every other block she was driving down, it was like, there's another bike, it's another bike. People are fucking drunk as shit.

Don't give a fuck. Clip some guy that's riding his bike home from work or some shit. Yeah, it's a commitment to go, I'm going to ride a motorcycle. You've got to really buy into it, because your odds of dying just go up exponentially from driving a car. What are your odds of dying more? A bicycle or a motorcycle? Bye.

Sorry, dude. You're right. I'm Debbie Downer. I'm trying to. I've been looking at Jeff all night. Joe's got the reins and he's taking us down and we're going deep down I did not mean to I don't want to cry

on your fucking podcast I'm glad you corrected me if you want me to cry go hear it live you're right he needs a couple of takes I'm not the first comic to cry in the basement of the comedy store

oh definitely not you're probably the first that didn cry in the basement of the comedy store. Oh, definitely not. Hey. Yeah, definitely not. You're probably the first that didn't really do anything horrible, though. Yeah. I came down here. Adam brought me down here. There's like a back room over there with just like storage shit in it. And you know what I found?

What? I found Pauly Shore's original script of In the Army Now with his acting notes to himself in it. No. Like one of them was like, be the Weezer. What? Weasel. Be the Weasel? Be the Weezer.

Be the Weasel. The Weasel's a band. Be that band. They got some great notes. Be Weasel. But like the whole script he had marked up with all his acting notes. I would have taken that. I fucking tried.

Well, I would have taken that. Oh, Adam was with you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there you go. This place is, you know,

one of the most, if you believe in ghosts, one of the most notoriously haunted places in all of California. Maybe in the country because it used to be Ciro's Nightclub. I believe in ghosts.

I saw Yakov Smirnoff here the other day a lot of killings happen here right it was a mob place allegedly I killed tonight roast battles

big taping tomorrow three nights right invited is it all sold out I don't know roastbattletickets.com. Maybe the finale might not be.

That's next week. Now, when you do these things, do you open up tickets to the public? Yeah, they're free tickets. Oh, wow. Roastbattletickets.com is how to sign up. Oh, that's awesome. You're all invited. And then it'll air January 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th.

It's a bracketed tournament. 16 comics. A lot of people from right here in L.A. Comedy store people. A couple people who work here answering phones. Jay Light, Frank Castillo, Alex Hooper. A lot of L.A. comics from here in the comedy store. Todd Barry's doing it.

Oh, he is doing it. Wow. Who's he going against? Jessica Curzon. He's fucking funny, man. He's going to be crazy. Todd Berry's one of the most underappreciated guys working today. He's a fucking funny guy. He's funny as shit. So Lawrence holds the belt,

right? Yeah. And does he get challenged? I think he's going to challenge whoever wins this tournament. There's so many funny up-and-coming comedians, and that is one of the best places For them to expose Some of them are barely comedians

And roast battle helps them figure that out Yeah they're just starting out Finding their voice through those roast jokes Like we did The jokes that they write I'm fucking blown away Every time I sit in and judge them I'll say to them afterwards

How long did you write those jokes for? They'll be like, three months. They literally write for a month for one roast battle. Two of the roasters told me they have the bracket up on their wall and they're writing ahead in case they advance or from when they advance. You guys have always said it best. It's a joke writer

showcase. It's such an important thing in comedy right now. Dude, love that thank you it is dude you need to have that world exist for people in a world right now where pc and people on their toes and who knows what to say what all the time and that's such a fucking deal now i'm so happy that that is still being represented in the comedy world because it fucking lightens everything it makes everything all the voices shut the fuck up and enjoy two people making fun of each other yeah it's like it's like the most clean thing that we need in in entertainment and especially for comedy because

dude right now i feel like you're on tippy toes sometimes when you do shows in places and you're like what do i what can the what are these people going to get a, uh, going to get offended by? And, and that fucking there's, well, what's so weird is that when we were coming up,

you know, like I know Joe and I were really into Bill Hicks and like, I didn't necessarily agree with everything about his politics. Certainly with Kinison, I didn't believe in, in any of his politics, but I fucking loved him. And now as a comedian the crowd has an expectation that they have to agree with you yes and that they'll actually

yell out if they disagree it's like that's not an option i had that last night guys like not funny yeah oh yeah yeah you're gonna have that and they feel like they have the right now because they're so used to commenting on things yeah so used to commenting on things on social media you can troll people that's what it is roast battle comments we don't troll on the internet we troll to each other's faces yeah well no that's a different animal look roast battle so beautiful because it's a pure competition it's like you know mike is so doom oh, shit, and then here we go. Counter. It's like you're playing a game. Dot, dot, dot, dot.

And sometimes the ball goes out of bounds, and sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes you hit net. And sometimes you fucking smash it right in their face. I mean, it really is amazing in that way. I would say you're more apt to win if you go harder, right harder right i mean there's not too many people that lose by going too far is there no no never that's the fucking best ones i've ever seen are people that just people are nervous as long as it's funny but what's really weird is when someone goes super mean and it's not funny yeah but even that's beautiful to see. I love that shit. Even that's sort of entertaining, yeah. Of course.

Yeah, sort of. You know, they don't win, but it's good, fun entertainment. Well, it's squirmy. Thank God the audience knows that failure in comedy is still a thing that's not just like, everything's not just a special,

prefabricated, late night set. I think a lot of people, because they only see comedy in that way, they see specials on Netflix, they see late night sets, things that are tight and are formulated and practiced, that when they come see live comedy,

an inch of any sort of faltering and they're like, what? Are you not a pro? And Santino, you're about to release your Netflix special special no showtime on showtime oh so when that comes out do you abandon your material now i mean i i've already started to to implement a bunch of new stuff and and do and do both right now right before it even comes out

just because i'm trying to get in the habit but yeah i mean i think so i mean that's a personal thing i don't i don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it, but I think I'm trying to get rid of that stuff and try all new stuff. I'm going to stop doing your shit probably in a couple weeks. I'm hoping. You do it so much better, that's the problem. I sit and watch you do me after. No, yeah, I'm trying to abandon it. But I'm not trying to do a special every year type of thing. I don't think that's for me. I know that that's like the new thing, but i don't i'm not trying to do a special every year type of thing i don't think

that's for me i know that that's like the new thing but i don't i think even louise backed off of that i mean a lot of people have that aspiration of like i'll do one every fucking year and i'm always like what what what for though well wait to see what kind of year you have yeah i mean i have years where i write like a motherfucker and i have years where i'm like a motherfucker, and I have years where I'm like, I'll look at a set list on my computer that says January 2016. And I look at it recently, and I'm like, wow, this is not that different than what I'm doing now. I see a bunch of stuff I tried that didn't work. And then I have years where, yeah, I will come up with close to an hour. This is going to be the year where every comedy, the Trump, that's one thing, every comic will have three specials.

Yeah, right. I want everyone to have three. Everyone's going to get three. Dude, you can do Trump. A little, just a little bit. Give me a little something. I heard it. I like Joe Rogan.

Joe's good. You know what? He's a fighter. That's why I like fighters. He's a fighter. I like fighters. That's not bad. It's good, except you got to get the R out of there on the New York accent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're close enough. Fighter. You're like almost there. Where are you from? Chicago. Oh. Shiketown.

You could do this. Like I can't do his voice. I can't make that sound. Like I can imitate certain people's voices, but I have a very limited range. Yeah. You know, like the people I could do, I could do good, but I can't do him. Someone was saying how hard... Trump was almost so quote-unquote simple

that that's why anybody that comes on SNL, there's a lot of people that can do the impression, but they were saying how hard Hillary was, which I didn't really think about it, but I was like, oh yeah, she's such a fucking hard voice to imitate. Do you know what I mean? It's such a... Trump, that's another reason it's so cartoonishly perfect that you're like,

anybody who can do a voice like that is going to get compared to. Well, and Bernie was easy as hell. Oh, my God. He's just an old Jew. It just was Larry David. Yeah, Bernie was the easy guy. We're going to have a political revolution, and then we're going out for soup. We're going out for soup.

Everybody pays for their own soup. He's like Jackie Mason a little bit. Hey. Hey. Listen, kid. That's what he said to the Pope. I met the Pope. I said, listen, kid.

You're doing a great job with the Catholics. Did you see him today? He was doing that. He did something today or yesterday. Who? Bernie Sanders, where he's grilling the guy. I was at the Senate confirmation hearings. Yeah.

Trying to make some sense of all of this. I don't know. I put the thing in the... The thing in the boom and it is. And then we'll get soup. Trump's bringing in this guy that's kind of a climate change denier. Yes. So you're telling me that you're responsible for the climate.

You don't even know if it's raining out. So you're fucking... I shouldn't necessarily say he's a climate change denier. He's a skeptic to the science. You think it's true. You deny it. You think it's true. You deny it.

What's the truth? Let's get soup. Let's get some soup. You still owe me $2 for that split piece. He's got a tab at Cantor's. Listen. I don't know, my Cantor's tab. How's the lockers tonight, baby?

I would love to have an old president. You know, they're so nurturing. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. Yeah. Who's that? Bernie Sanders. Yeah, he does.

He does. To me, he does. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. But don't we know that anybody who has kind of the audacity Bernie Sanders. Yeah, he does. To me, he does. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. But don't we know that anybody who has kind of the audacity and fucking self-indulgence to want to be president is also behind that? True. Fucking crazy. A fucking crazy person. I'm sure he's a nice person.

I was there for the right reasons. I beg to differ. I spent 22 years in the Senate. I was mayor of my town of Vermont. Or isn't it possible that someone could not want to be president until they realize that the country's back is up against the wall and that's when he finally ran? It is possible. Sure. I realize there was no hope on the horizon for the status quo or this new thing, this Trump thing. And he's like, maybe I'll go.

maybe I'll go. Do you think had the DNC not fucking strategically shoved Hillary Clinton in front of him, if he had fucking won, do you think he could have beat Trump? That's an... You know, it's just an open speculation. With the banks have allowed him to win.

Who knows how it would have played out? I'm so fucking curious to see that. Is that something I'm prepared to discuss at this time. Would you think you would have won, Bernie, or what? You think you would have fucking beat Trump? I think I would have given him a run for his money. I think I would have won in the key states.

What key states do you think you would have beat him in? I think I would have won in... You think Michigan you would have taken down? I think head-to-head I would have been very competitive with the Trump campaign. Oh, wow. I think we're both outsiders. Right. Definitely. Definitely, definitely. You should do your Trump impression now and you guys should duel. Listen, I'm sorry, Mr. President.

I can't accept your presidency. I'm stepping out of government. I'm taking a job at Goldman Sachs. I need to make some money. You're welcome. That's what make some money. You're welcome. That's what I would say. You're welcome. I think I've done for you more than you've ever done for me. So you're welcome. You want to make college free?

You want to make college free? I'm going to charge four times for college, four times. More debt, more debt. Mr. Trump, I beg your pardon? Don't beg me. Don't beg me. Don't beg me. What's in those tax returns?

I'm not going to show you my tax returns I don't need to show you I don't think so My stylist does what he does very well He or she does very well I have a trans stylist by the way You want to talk about trans culture? I have a trans stylist

Don't tell me I don't like the LGBTQ community I'm very low budget I care more about the important things in life You look like you shop at the dollar store It's pathetic I tried the Trump steaks They were harder to digest than your foreign policy Trump steaks are delicious don't listen to that

They're better than Omaha steaks Don't listen to that We have premium cows Our cows are beautiful They're shipped over from California. Did you just say Russia? I don't appreciate your racist comments that you've made in the past. I'm not racist. I'm racial.

I'm racial. People with disabilities. Oh, what, what, what? I can't mock a retard anymore? What's the news coming to today? I can't do that. I can't sit up there and jiggle my wrist like we used to when we were seven? Screw you, Byrne.

I'm going to mock a tard once in a while. Get used to it, America. Whoa. That's legitimately what would come out of his fucking brain. That's for sure. And you know what? That would be fed live to America, an argument

between those two, and fucking his fans would love it even more. He's right. He should mock fucking Reid. Fine. Fun. that's what my buddy said to his mom he was like she was a die-hard trump supporter he said justify seriously to me justify how he could mock a handicapped person just tell me tell me that what's the fucking spin on that he said it was it wasn't because he was hit just watch it once yeah volume off watch it once no one in the world if someone who speaks no english and has doesn't understand our culture would go well they're probably making fun of it looks like they're making fun of making a character of somebody it's just there was this kid he was a comedian you know he does that about

everybody that he thinks is flustered there's like a whole series i saw that really yeah like every time he thinks he goes he does that with when no one knows what they're doing oh and he's trying to figure this out yeah literally that's his thing that he does well i'm not defending him but the real fact is he always does all right they showed video of them looping but but specifically he did like this arm thing like that yeah i just feel like more specific it was pretty more extra yeah it was definitely like wrists banging against each other kind of a move he does this in some of them open handy and then this was kind of like i mean it was just like what what you would when you were a punk kid in third grade or fourth grade was we're doing to each other mocking shit it was like so obvious that that's what it was.

There was this comic, and you guys probably wouldn't even remember him, but he was an LA comic. One of those guys that was just always around and you never really saw him go on stage much. Earl Skakel. He had these giant front teeth and a receded upper lip so that

his teeth just jutted out. I'm talking to him and i don't know what the fuck was going through my mind but subconsciously i like you hurled my lip up above my teeth and then he just looked at me and he goes oh that's really funny that's really and i realized like in a second that i was doing it right and i was so fucking embarrassed i didn't know what to say oh my god that's kind of like when someone's like yeah when someone's twitching you just naturally just do it with them for some reason i think it's a monkey response monkey see monkey do it's like subconscious like when someone yawns and you start yawning right holy shit or when someone has a fucking

thing on their face you you just kind of even feel it on your face do you know what i mean it's not there but you start to like feel it on your own face then you got to go dude to fucking all right what are you doing jeff ross somebody knocked somebody knocked there was no one there shit someone knocked i gotta go anyway this is jeff this has been a blast i came in an hour before these you uh you were the first ever on a live podcast. I had a great time. From the Comedy Store. I had a big day. I want to rest.

Yeah, you had a lot of shit going on here. And you got big shows. Tomorrow's when you tape, right? First day. So one more time for everybody. Roast Battle. January 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th on Comedy Central. It's going to be great.

John Mayer, Sarah Silverman Jason Sudeikis Snoop Dogg, Jess beautiful, beautiful, beautiful all live on Comedy Central you're in the sizzle reel that opens the show I'm so proud nice, it's really fun

Andrew Santino, your Showtime special what's it called? it's called Home Field Advantage, I did it in Chicago at the theater. Are you from? Yeah. Oh, beautiful. You already said that

when you were talking about the accent. I forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did it in the theater that I used to go watch bands in when I was in high school. It was such a fucking surreal thing.

That's fucking awesome. It was fucking wild. When is it out? See you, man. June. It'll be out in June. June. Beautiful.

Yeah. Powerful Jeff Ross. Greg Fitzsimmons, Fitz Dog Radio Podcast Tori Dates coming up Tacoma Austin Tampa

What's up Tampa I'll be coming to Phoenix Go to Fitzdog.com A lot of shows Powerful Fitzdog What's that? We should play poker down here sometime. I know. Okay. Live poker game.

Like a live poker podcast. That'd be perfect for that. I don't know how to play. It'd be awesome. Well, that camera, you stick it in the middle of the table and you can see everybody playing. You should decorate this and fucking... Get an air conditioner. Yeah, we could do some shit to this room. This room's pretty badass. It's cool that they have it. Because you can also

open it up to a little bit of a... It's nice and cool down here. Yeah, it's pretty badass. It's cool that they have it. Because you can also open it up to a little bit of a... It's nice and cool down here. Yeah, it's not bad. It's a good spot. It's cool. If you have this door open and that door open, you can kind of hear the show from the background. We can still hear the piano.

We've got to get a TV down here. We can see what's going on on the stages. We could get a monitor and watch everybody. That would be fun. That would be so fun. on on the stages. We could. We could get a monitor and watch everybody. That would be fun. That would be so fun. Yeah, we could easily do that. Like Mystery Science Theater comics that we know. Yeah, that's not like Roger Science.

Jeff, thanks, buddy. Thank you. Always a pleasure, my friend. I'm going to come by tomorrow. I gave you a dainty womanly handshake there. It was like... As you're doing podcasts with you. A man shake.

Thank you, sir. And Greg, where can people get a hold of your shit? as you're doing podcasts with you man shake thank you sir and uh Greg where can people get a hold of your shit FitzDog.com baby FitzDog.com and uh Greg Fitz Radio

is your twitter right FitzDog FitzDog well that's it folks you have been witness to the very first ever and it went into the 20th

so it's an inauguration podcast in a lot of ways oh it is yeah cause we're here it's the 20th um it's an inauguration podcast in a lot of ways. Oh, it is? Yeah, because we're here. It's the 20th. And that's it, you fucks.

First time ever. Comedy Store live podcast. We'll do it again. It was fun. Awesome. Yeah, it was cool. I did it right? Yeah.

Yeah.