The Joe Rogan Experience - #924 - Rory Albanese

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

Rory Albanese is a comedian, comedy writer and television producer. He was an executive producer and writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and also appeared on The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore.

Now we're live? I for one want to express outrage at that Kellyanne Conway woman. Not just putting her feet up on that couch, but being the only woman in the room having her feet up on the couch. Do you think it was a sexual posturing thing? I don't know. You know, there's a lot of men in the room. A lot of men in the room. Look at me. I'm in a weird position. It could just be instinct.

Yeah, look at her. Look at her. All those dudes. A lot of black dudes. Is that the Black Caucus? Wow. Black College? Does it say leaders of the black?

Yeah. Historically black colleges and universities. Oh. Wow. And look at her. Do you think that that's what's going on there? I feel that's very sexual. Yeah. I mean, it looks sexual.

Dude, she's got the vagina curtain thing going on. She's got her legs spread. Yeah. She's looking at her phone, maybe pictures of dicks. Hmm, and another dick. Hmm. She's actually on Tinder, which is weird, yeah. Yeah, she's swiping everyone right.

Yes! Come get some. There's so many great memes about this. Like I saw one of them that was in quotes. What is a train? Question mark. Fantastic. That's fantastic.

We live in a fucking dream, man. We really do. This is so to see Donald Trump smiling. Like if you like knocked me over the head 10 years ago and put me in a coma and then woke me up today and then I was like, well, what's going on? Who's the president? And you're like, well, check this out. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like, you remember that scene in Back to the Future when he's like, who's the president in 1985? Ronald Reagan, the actor, you know? That's exactly what it's like. It's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy yeah it's crazy that picture put that picture back up I can't so much going on there no one's ever done that

and you know like before this he's like we got to do a photo with the blacks you know like he's those are the kind of things he says we got to get more images of the blacks out with me because every time it's really important really important every time he takes a photo into the oval office it's like, you know, 12 white guys. I wish I could do an impression of him. I mean, yeah, there's a lot. Yeah, to me, it's just talk like a thing. I can't, though.

My voice doesn't make that noise. Like, whatever noise his voice makes. It's very, like, it's kind of gravelly or something. I don't know what it is. Yeah. Very bad things. Bad things. Sad.

Very bad. Sad. That don't know what it is. Yeah. Very bad things. Bad things. Sad. Very bad. Sad. That sad thing, it's hilarious, the word sad after tweets, because fucking everybody's doing it now. It's so funny, though. The internet is funny, man.

Like, internet, the internet, you have to, like, I always look at comedy like music, you know, and I always say, like, like, I know how to do, I know how to play acoustic guitar,

which is like stand-up, you know what I mean? And I know how to, like, I've written for TV shows that's like playing the piano instagram twitter like it's it's like that's like the saxophone man and I'm like I'm trying to learn the music but it's funny man it's a new kind of comedy yeah and people are good at it like some people are just good at it and like you said you see a meme every now and then like my girlfriend sometimes will be in the uh you know like whatever it's you know

in the bedroom or something and i'm here hysterically laughing and i come in and she just shows me i'm like that you know what that's pretty funny you know and it's just a still image with three words on it and it just works well memes are a new form of comedy like these images with text attached to the image that's just so perfect totally and there's a way to do it and there's a way not to do it. Because you can't be meta about it. You can't be like, oh, you know, you have to like embrace it. You can't think you're above it. Like you can't go like, oh, here's my meme.

My meme's about how memes are stupid. It's like, nah, fuck you. Everybody hates you. Memes are awesome. Yeah, they're great. Yeah. So it's like you just have to embrace it and go like, nah, that's a funny form of comedy that I need to figure out.

There's a lot of thievery going on with memes too. Oh, yeah. You know, a lot of people like that fat jewish guy that just take everybody else's memes and he doesn't even like put repost he just puts their name in it like that's enough yeah like he puts their name somewhere in the in the post yeah he's one of those dudes where i don't know anything about him but it just it's hard to like not interested it's hard to like him and i've heard people like hard to like them. And I've heard people be like, oh man, I was at a party, the fat Jewish was there. I'm like, you should stop this story right now

because there's nothing about this that's interesting to me. It's just for too long, he was doing what he knows is wrong. And then he started just adding people's names to the memes. But it doesn't like, if I repost somebody's stuff,

I put the repost thing. I use repost. So everybody knows. It says in the first letters repost right so okay This is Rory's tweet. He put it over. This is you know Rory's Instagram post. He's not doing that nope Yeah, it's just it's it's there's a funky thing, but also I got to be honest I've been sent some things I don't know where the fuck they came from and I put it up just cuz I thought it was hilarious

Yeah, I didn't try to say it was mine, and I'm not making a living off of doing that. I just wanted to share something that's funny. Yeah, but you can do that and go, I don't know where this came from, but it's really funny. It is, but it's weird because somebody must have made it. And how the fuck do you find who made it? I don't know. I mean, I've only made one Instagram

thing that did okay, which was a picture of Ivanka Trump in that silver dress and uh I was like right when she released it I was like oh I got to do something about this and I said to my girlfriend what does this look like she's like a chipotle burrito so I found like a I found a chipotle burrito wrapped in tinfoil and I was like who wore it better and it did really it was like the only time I did something on Instagram because a lot of times I put a joke on Instagram I'm like get ready internet I'm about joke on Instagram. I'm like, get ready, internet.

I'm about to break you. And then nobody likes it. But that one, I actually saw other people posting without crediting me. And I was like, eh. Right. Yeah, they're. That dress is ridiculous. I mean, it looks just like she looks like a burrito.

He's an odd looking fellow, too. There's something about the man. What is his name? Jared Kushner? Jared Kushner. There's something about the man the what his name Jared Kushner There's something about him where I'm like wow this guy's like he's like a character in a Kubrick movie or something Yeah, he to me is like like, you know, I'm a New York Italian Jew, but I grew up with dudes like Jared Kushner But he's like the rich version of where I grew up like he's like a rich Jewish kid from the city

Like went to a private school and then like got in that world and now he's now he's like a rich Jewish kid from the city who went to a private school and then got in that world. And now he's running the country. I feel like I could have gone to camp with him. I mean, he really is running the country. He's one of the guys. He's one of the main people. Yeah, but I don't know. Then I read stuff that he doesn't have as much say as one might hope.

Oh, well, I would imagine. Steve Bannon would have a little bit more. I mean, I would imagine the big boss is the dad and then Bannon. It's Trump and then Bannon. Yeah. But he's doing Trump's bidding. I mean, he's the brother-in-law, the son-in-law. He's got a big part.

He does. Look at that dork. Yeah, it's crazy. That dork's got a big part at running the country. He sure does. He fucking scored, though. He did. Congratulations, sir.

Yeah. You made out well. Yeah, he stepped in a big pile of shit. She's hot as fuck, too. Yeah, she is. I bet she's probably a pretty cool, reasonable person, too. She seems like it. She seems like it. She has some stepped in shit. I think she's probably a little bit like what's going on. I feel the same way about Melania. I think Melania is like, I did not sign up to be the first lady. well she's not even doing it yeah she's not except for that one day she read the lord's prayer off of a piece of paper oh well how about the one day she plagiarized michelle obama

speech yeah yeah that was the thing when i saw her reading the lord's prayer yeah i'm sure it's out there but like my instinct was like did did she think michelle obama wrote the lord's prayers so she's reading but i'm sure sure that joke was made a thousand times. But let's be honest, Michelle Obama probably didn't write that speech either. No. It was probably a speech writer. No, no, no, no. No, absolutely not.

But I do think that if you're going to steal from a first lady, do it from one from like, you know, 50 years ago. Don't do it with the one who's still first lady. Well, do you remember when Joe Biden got caught for stealing Kennedy speeches? Yes. Yeah. Biden. That was surprising to me when Joe Biden got caught for stealing Kennedy speeches? Yes. Yeah. Biden, that was surprising to me

when everyone started talking about, oh, Biden, like everyone got so excited Biden might run for president. And I was like, am I the only one who's been like paying attention to Joe Biden?

Yeah. He's constantly doing those Trump things. He's the guy who's like, hey, get up, come on, stand up. And the guy's in a wheelchair. Remember that?

Yeah. He's like such a buffoon, you know? He's an odd guy. And the memes about him were fucking genius. The Joe Biden memes at the end of the term. The goodbye memes. Oh, my God.

That's what I'm talking about. Like, that's funny, you know? That's what I, for me, it was like, you know, the Daily Show, when I used to be at the Daily Show, it was like we were doing stuff, and it always felt like we were the fastest ones doing it. Now, with memes and stuff, you it always felt like we were the fastest ones doing it. Now with memes and stuff, you're going. They're instantaneous. You have a broadcast time.

There's no way you can keep up. There's no way you can keep up. I mean, it's the speed by which things are launched and are good. That's the thing. They're not crappy. The mock-ups are funny, and the graphics are funny. I don't know how fast people are editing photos on their phone or like

Photoshop but Instantaneously, well they happen during podcasts while we're doing podcasts I'm gonna make a meme about something said on the podcast and it'll be up before the podcast is over Yeah for me that the moment For me like it was the summer I was at the nightly show and I and I started to go We're in a little bit of trouble here. It was when that dude was climbing Trump Tower with the suction cups. Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that. It was like 5 o'clock, and we tape at like 6. We did tape at 6. So we were rewriting that night's show, and I made a little joke just to one of the researchers about the suction cup dude. Like, what's he climbing? Michael Phelps back? Because it was the Olympics, and Phelps was getting suction cups.

Oh, right, right, right. Just a stupid joke, but the kind of thing for a late night show. Top of show. Hey, what's he climbing? Michael Phelps back? Because it was the Olympics and Phelps was getting suction cup. Oh, right, right, right. Just a stupid joke, but the kind of thing for a late night show. Top of show. Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to the show. Before we get started,

take a look at this, show the dude, and go, can we widen out on that? And then you see him climbing Phelps back. I said that, went back into the rewrite room,

opened Twitter. That joke had not only been made, the graphics were impeccable and they've been retweeted like 60,000 times and the dude was already, it was still on the tower Well, here's a thing that fast and that's what I'm like We're in trouble this shows in trouble comedy writers and comedians as well like to think that they're the only ones who are funny

It's almost like you're a neurosurgeon or a race car you have some skill that yeah like no one else has people are funny There's fucking funny people that are dentists There's funny people like one of the funniest people I've ever met in my fucking life is my former boss, Dave Dolan. He was a private investigator. The dude was fucking hilarious. And his cousin was built down to own the Comedy Connection in Boston. Wow. And when I was working for him, he lost his license from drinking and driving, and he

needed an assistant, in quotes. Who did? Basically, I was a driver. This guy, PI lost his license and so I started working for him and we would get it we'd have to get up at like five o'clock in the morning and and like show up at people's houses to catch him working when they were put supposed to you were like you were doing like a PI assistant work yes how was that not a TV show Joe Roganan, PI assistant, you know? I don't know.

Maybe it could be. I'm not going to do it, though. So steal the idea. Anybody who's listening. But this guy was fucking hilarious. He just had a comic's mind. He would just like start talking about, look at this scumbag. You know what the fuck he's doing.

So he starts saying crazy shit. Just narrating life. Yeah, really hilarious. I mean, I would be crying crying like tears rolling down my eyes Laughing and thinking like I'm the one who's a fucking comedian and this my boss is way funnier than me Yeah, all the guys I grew up with their fun I mean I grew up in it like with funny people like some of my friends are very very funny But they just didn't you know who the hell thinks to do this right do stand-up I that's what people ask me that when they say what's the hardest thing about doing stand-up?

I'm like, it's admitting you're an asshole. It's like, you know what I mean? Like, if you walked into a party and it was full of people and they were all hanging out, you were like, hey, quiet down, everybody. I got funny shit to say. They'd be like, who brought the asshole? Then you're like, wait, I'm not done. Not only do I not want you to talk, I want you to pay me for my thoughts and ideas.

Put a light on me. Make my voice louder than yours. And make my voice louder. And if you talk, I'm going to be an asshole to you. But the whole impulse to do that is very much like, not only do I think I'm funny, I think I can like, you know, and then every now and then you meet a comedian who wasn't funny when they were growing up. And they're like, what were you thinking?

Yeah. How'd you do this? The only reason I did this is because I was like, if I was was good at baseball would have been I would have tried baseball but some guys are just funny and then they just become accountants well everybody said something funny at one point in their life and one of the weird things about being a comedian is it it's it's a special skill that doesn't look like it's a special skill like if I walked up to somebody who's like me you know making us making this sculpture or something like that I'd be like oh wow how are you doing that like what are you using oh wow what's like, you know, making a sculpture or something like that. I'd be like, oh wow, how are you doing that?

Like what are you using? Oh wow, what tools? Like how do you start it? Like do you map it out on paper? Like how do you do it? Like it would be confusing to me. Right. You know, I'd want to know like what's the process.

If I see a guy go on stage and start talking, I go, well I can fucking do that. That guy's just standing there. Like literally he's standing there. He's not Cirque du Soleil-ing, he's not juggling. Yeah. He doesn't have a hula hoop on his neck. He doesn't have a poodle with lights There's no spitting fire like Gene Simmons. Yeah, everything seems really straightforward. Yeah, yeah And so it's one of the things that's so deceptive about it And then you you watch someone who's like really good at it He's got like and it's like well that seems so effortless. Yeah, this guy's up there killing like this

Yeah, but it's like it's the years that I always feel like the years of it or or or being on stage it's like it's like you have to become as close to you as you can be in front of a group of people in a bunch of strangers yeah and and you're everything you know i i always found in the beginning the hardest stuff about it was you don't realize like how much superhuman hearing and stuff you have when you're on stage it's all these things like you know it's like uh i'm trying to think of the analogy it's like when like like you never see like a movie where someone discovers they have superpowers but they're overwhelming like it's like that it's like you start get on stage and you hear like a fork drop in the back of the room stuff nobody else is hearing and when you're a rookie you're like hey hold on to your fork and people like what?

Only you hear it you know hey, hey, hey sneezy people like that guys knees. I'm not I'm watching you So it's like you learn But that that for me in the beginning was like an issue like I was I remember like emceeing clubs and like thinking I was like being sharp You know and people been like we didn't we did not experience that same sensation you experience because learning how to relax Yeah, learning how to actually be yourself in front of all those people like it's fascinating to me like i have a buddy of mine who's uh thinking about doing stand-up now and i've known him forever and he's been like working on his his act he's how old is he 39 he's going for the first time yeah i mean he's not it's tate you know tate fletcher he's a successful actor he does like a

lot of movies he He's in everything. He's in John Wick. Every time I see him, he's in a movie getting shot. Yeah. He's in a ton of movies, right? If he's in John Wick, he's getting shot in the head. Yeah. Yeah.

I think he got stabbed, too. I don't know. He got killed in Jurassic Park. He got killed by dinosaurs. Nice. He's always getting killed. But the point is, he was in Westworld. He got killed by...

He killed himself with a rock. Smashed himself in the head with a rock. Oh, I know that guy. He's a good buddy of mine. So he's been writing comedy. And I'm like, what are you doing? Why do this to yourself? He's like, I want to do it.

I want to see if I can do it. I'm like, oh, God. And then I'm totally fascinated. Because the process of trying to figure out how to relax and ready, set, go. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tade Flesher. And he gets up on stage. Hi. Has he done it yet?

No, he hasn't done it yet. Yeah. But it's going to be interesting to see because it's the whole process of like learning, like becoming so comfortable that you can relax while you're on stage in front of all those people. It's just so odd. To me, that's what takes the time. It's the being comfortable.

You know, it's like the Malcolm Gladwell time. It's the being comfortable. It's like the Malcolm Gladwell thing. It takes 10,000 hours to master something. It's 10 years. It's like you've got to be on stage a lot of hours to be yourself and be comfortable. And then when you watch yourself back, especially in the beginning, you don't realize you're doing stuff. I remember watching myself back early on and being like, am I touching my nose the whole time? You know what I mean?

Things like that. Wait, why isn't anyone telling me I'm touching my nose? You know? And it's like, people must think I do coke. You know, I'm like, hey guys, but I don't do coke. They probably do think you do coke, right? Back in the day. But I never did. I never have.

But it's like, those are the little nervous ticks you develop and you have to learn over time. Like, it's just got to be you. You know, but it's hard. Now, how you, you've transitioned from doing the daily show. Well, don't say transition, Joe. It's 2017. People are just now going to think that I'm becoming, you know. Yeah, it's a weird term now.

You can't, you can't say transition. Right, the term's been co-opted. You can't say transition. I'm mid-transition, Joe. You're on your journey. No, you can't even say that. Like, what kind of journey? A journey of sexual journey?

Sexual experimentation. And you can't ask me about it because you're not supposed to right you can't you have to just accept a lot of rules yeah yeah um well okay i was gonna say something but i'll transition i was gonna throw somebody under the bus but there's no need to um the the this this whole journey of like going from like you started off as a comic, and then you worked for The Daily Show for so long. Yeah. And you kind of missed comedy, did comedy while you were doing it a little bit. Yeah, like I did a half hour special when I was at The Daily Show, but it was weak because I was putting 95% of my energy into The Daily Show. But now you're out.

Now you're fucking. Well, I left The Daily Show in, like, 2013. Last time I did your podcast, I was living out here and about to go back to do The Nightly Show. And The Nightly Show was, I said yes to that because I didn't want to produce anymore. I wanted to perform. But the deal for The Nightly Show was I got to be on it. That's the Larry Wilmore Show. Yeah, so I went back.

At the time, it was called The Minority Report, but then it became The Nightly Show because of Fox lawsuits. Why is that? What's the lawsuit? Because remember The Minority Report, the Tom Cruise movie, which is like a Philip K. Dick book, and Fox had just bought. Oh, you said Fox. I automatically think Fox News. No. Well, parent company.

Fox, the parent company, should change their fucking name now. I agree. Yeah. You know? Yeah, you're right. Because even when you see it come up You're like, oh, is this going to be partisan? I was working for the UFC

Still do But I don't do the Fox things anymore And when I was doing the Fox things They were like Oh, so you're working on Fox now? What's that like? Are they like super right wing? I'm like, no

That's so funny No, it's fucking cage fighting, dude I'm a cage fighting commentator And yes, they are right wing Yeah, but that's not what this... Fox didn't always used to be right wing. No. Not everybody is right wing, but now there's a place where

it's weird. I've noticed with Fox where it's like if somebody they like, the right likes, says something anti-Trump, then they just want him off the network. Really? That happened twice. Shep Smith said something about Trump. He said something recently that was really good.

Yeah, but he went on a rant about him. And then people were like, that's sort of my favorite thing that's happening right now is there's a group of people calling another group of people snowflakes for oversensitivity. Yeah. I love that term. Yeah, which I think is very funny. And I agree. There is a lot of snow. You can get in trouble right now for saying anything.

And I'm sure like just this conversation people are mad, but there's some fucking liberal guy on Twitter That was like an all-cap stop calling people snowflakes, and you're like well now. I want to do it more It's it's tantamount to psychological torture for these young children like oh fucking snowflake I got I got into trouble with uh When when Trump won? Because they kept showing all this footage on the news of grown men crying. So I just said, I don't know, maybe I'm immature,

but to me, if I see a grown man crying on the news, not if he's crying because his kid died, just like you lost the election, and you're a grown man, and you're crying. So I made a joke about it, how I think that's funny every time. People got so mad. Oh, men can't cry?

I'm like, I don't know. Of course men can cry. They just can't cry over that pussy. I don't know. It's like, people were like, oh, why? Why is it funny? Because it's a man? I'm like, yeah, I guess, because he's crying over an election and he's a man.

Like, that's just, I don't know. Where I grew up, that's funny. It's still funny to me. Well, it is funny because that's not a guy who can keep it together. Okay, this is not a national disaster. It might become it might become a national sure but it wasn't at the time it was just a loss it's certainly a moment for concern sure but and i get it and then people like well what if what about you know gay man and i go yeah i get it a lot of people are scared they're gonna lose their rights they're scared i get it and then but i man i got scolded just for a

grown man crying is funny to me not like i'm like i guess it's not i don't know it's there's so many people making the grown man crying is not funny what's funny is a grown man crying when he shouldn't be crying yeah that's what's funny yeah absolutely yeah and it's you know it's it's like there's still an instinct you still have like a kind of a knee-jerk instinct to think sometimes that just makes you laugh and then if you share that feeling at the at the wrong time you're immature yeah and then guilty is charged and. And then the flip side is the right, man. They're calling everybody snowflakes. And then you say one thing that they don't want to hear and they want you off Fox News.

Talk about snowflakes. They're like, why is Shep Smith? He should go with Megyn Kelly to M and the lame stream NBC. And you're going, aren't you? Doesn't that make you a snowflake now? And then same thing happened with Chris Wallace. Chris Wallace did that interview with Renz Priebus, and people were like, get him out of here. Oh, really?

Yeah, Chris Wallace is, you know, his dad was Mike Wallace. He's actually a journalist. Yeah. It's crazy. Well, it's a weird time when you see journalists getting excluded from press gaggles. When you get the New York Times and who else was it? It was New York Times, LA Times, and then there was another big one. Oh, CNN.

Fuck the fuck, man. Fucking CNN. What the fuck? I know. You remember when Obama was considering removing Fox News from something? Because Fox News is essentially propaganda. If you listen to Sean Hannity, I've heard Sean Hannity is a wonderful man. I've heard he's a really nice guy when you meet him.

But that motherfucker is spewing straight hot propaganda. Yeah. He was the best point man after the grab my pussy shit came up. He was the best because he just went fucking straight to Benghazi. He went straight to the email scandal

and he fucking hammered it constantly to the point where, you know, locker room talk aside, you could certainly say that was inappropriate. But let's get to the facts here. Let's get to what's important.

And just bam, bam, bam. Yeah, he's a big Trump ally. He's good. He's good at what he does. He is very good at what he does. But, I mean, when that was going on against Obama, they were like, look, why the fuck are we having these people even, why are we even pretending they're press? This is not journalism. This is a propaganda network. And then people

was like, whoa, whoa. You remember it was like 2009? And Obama almost had them removed, but people protested and he's like, alright, fine. Not Trump. No. He's like, not only that, I'm not even going to the press correspondence dinner. Fuck you. That to me is, you talk about being a pussy, dude. Like, you're

scared to get made fun of. That's him being scared to get made fun of. And I was thinking the whole time, like, oh, what comedian gets to do that? That's a great gig. Fuck that gig. That guy will go after you. That's a difference. The problem is you make fun of that dude, and then all of a sudden you're getting audited.

Yeah, you're right about that. More than audited, man. More than audited. They'll probably search your emails and find some incriminating shit that you might have did when you were in high school. Yeah. But then part of me is like, kind of worth it. To stand up on the stage next to Trump and just be like, dude, come on.

Yeah, but you would definitely get mad press for doing it. Well, but you, yeah, he would go, I don't know. He doesn't handle it well. Do you remember when Obama was roasting him? And he just sat there and he had this fucked up look on his face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's a weird time, man. That was like when Obama said,

we have video of my actual birth for the first time. We're going to release this. And they go to the Lion King. Do you remember the Lion King cartoon? That was hilarious. Yeah. Obama was fucking good at that. Obama was pretty funny.

He was a funny dude. He's a funny president, yeah. I mean, still, to this day, I think that he's probably, as far as a human being, not as like... I hate presidential speeches, because I hate that whole political talk.

I hate the way people talk. I know. Like, they're not a real person. And he is like the king of the pause, man man the big fake stupid Artistic second pause yeah, well. I mean he's just good at that kind of shit, and there's a thing to that I don't particularly like that, but I get it, but I mean as far as like being like a Representative of the country the guy was intelligent well-read forget his policies aside There's something about who the guy who is in charge

is, what it says about the rest of us. And what it says about the rest of us now is that we're a disorganized mess. And that's really what it says. Yeah. It's definitely a, I could tell you this though, Trump is not wrong about CNN hating him. Like, he's not wrong. No, he's not wrong at all. If you watch the election and everything leading up to the election

They did not like him even like even though images they used of him and they were pretty openly Against him which I and look I want like I said, I worked at The Daily Show. I watched a lot of CNN I watched a lot of MSNBC. There's problem. I have problems with all of those cable news I'm good for you because you didn't because and I really think that like the cult of personality media thing my biggest issue with cable news networks. Good for you, because you should. And I really think that the cult of personality media thing... My biggest issue with cable news is that they're on the same rating system as the Big Bang Theory. You know what I'm saying?

That's it. And it's like, they're trying to get... Ah, that's so true. No, but they're trying to get numbers, man. That's all they're trying to do. That's so true. Obviously, the goal of Sean Hannity's show or AC360, any of these shows, is to get people to watch so they can sell ad time. So they can make money.

So that's my issue with it more than, you know, they're, like, a lot of them are bad at journalism. I mean, you know, it's hard for me to forget things like Balloon Boy. When, like, we're at war in, like, Afghanistan and Iraq. And, like, they think a kid stuck in a weather balloon and we have like seven hours of coverage of a weather balloon floating down the street with a live chopper coverage and then it turned out the kid was hiding the dad was a prankster whatever before whatever the point is why why did i have to watch that for four hours you know what i'm saying so it's like they're a shiny thing happens, they run towards the shiny thing.

They do. They're immature. They're looking for ratings. They're looking to be the first. They never talk about, there's like Flint, Michigan. Right. When's the last time,

like people there don't have water. Still. And they live in America. Still. But the media's not talking about it. They're talking right now about Kelly Conway putting her feet up on the couch.

Does she have shoes on? That's what I want to know. I don't know. In other words. Goddamn White House couch, bitch. So they get, well, that's what people are mad about. They're like, that's disrespectful. Imagine if a guy was sitting like that.

But you got to imagine they scotch guarded that shit. If Obama was sitting like that on that couch, do you know how many gay rumors would come out about him? If Michelle Obama was sitting like that anywhere. Oh, yeah. People would be so angry, the things people would say about Michelle Obama... She has her shoes on. Oh boy. That dirty girl. That is just un-American. Dog shit and bubble gum

all over the fucking White House couch. How dare you, lady? Dog shit and bubble gum. There's a real problem with what the news is, because it's not really the news. It's an entertainment show featuring events in the news is because it's not really the news it's an entertainment show featuring events in the news right and it's there are a hundred percent bias there's no real journalism on television when it comes

to TV news PBS maybe sort of they're super liberal yeah but they're also very boring yeah in other words they're not trying to zazzy you know like here's what's happening well that that's what we need though you need to be able to formulate your own opinions and when you're being steered in one way or another whether it's steered always Bill O'Reilly or steered by someone on the left it's a who the fuck is like a big reporter for CNN I don't even know Anderson Cooper that's it well I saw wolf blitzer the other day in Vegas you did I ran into him I got intimidated I

was gonna say hi but I'm like maybe maybe he doesn't like me. He had four hookers with him. He's walking into the Belagia. I wish he did. I'd high-five him. Ask him if he wants to smoke a joint. The only thing I will say about Fox is their opinion guys, O'Reilly, Hannity, they kind of have them under opinion. Yes.

Versus Anderson Cooper is like news. I think Anderson Cooper, like, Anderson Cooper is, like, news, you know? So it's like, it's like... But do you think Anderson, I think Anderson Cooper, like, my take on him is clearly he's very left-wing, right? He's a gay guy. You know, I mean, he's, he's... Yeah, he's also a Vanderbilt. Oh, yeah, that's right. And he also worked for the CIA when he was in college.

That I did not know. You did not know that? No. Yeah, yeah, the big concern is that Anderson Cooper is an embedded CIA journalist. Yeah, that's the big CIA conspiracy theory. You didn't know that? No, I did not know that. Well, I would imagine that once you work for the CIA, you're in the fucking CIA.

Yeah, I imagine you always have a little contact. Yeah, I have a friend who used to be in the CIA, and I still consider him in the CIA. I mean, I know another guy whose dad was in the CIA. His fucking dad's still in the CIA, essentially. Well, you figure you've got to know a couple people over at the CIA. Like, I don't have any CIA contacts, you know? It's like, if you used to work there, you'd probably have a few. And this is a shitty comparison, but if I left the UFC, I'd still be with the UFC.

You know what I mean? There's a giant bond that you've got to have with the fucking central intelligence agency. You know, you don't fuck with those guys. You don't fuck them over. And if they call you, you answer the goddamn phone. Fuck yeah you do.

Yeah. I'm still like, I, I, that's why I really got weirded out when Trump was being so hard on the intelligence. He's crazy for that. I'm like, dude,

like, I don't know, man. Like all of those guys in the intelligence community, they're the reasons we're safe. And when I say we're safe, I live in New York City. Okay? So my attitude on terrorism is, if you live in

New York or a city, like, you know, I always take issue with people, and I travel doing stand-up, and, you know, I make a joke about ISIS or something, and people go, ooh, in small towns. But in big cities, they laugh. And I go, it's amazing to meis or something and people go in small towns, but in big cities They laugh and I go it's it's amazing to me that like People in like Kentucky think that there's someone in a cave like we've got to get to Louisville like it's not happening

You know what I mean like so there's this weird thing that starts to happen where people are using I keep seeing people post 9-11 like the World Trade Center is on fire go This is why the Muslim ban makes sense and I'm going like I was there man Like you can't just you don't get to use that. Like, there's something very odd to me about, like, everyone hates New York, not everyone, but like real America doesn't consider New York real. But the terrorist attacks there were,

like, it's a very odd thing that's happened in the country. I know what you're saying. And it feels like divided in the sense of like we hate everything you guys are about but we'll use that thing that impacted your lives as a way to gain our make our point that's hilarious what you're saying because you're saying we hate everything you're about that sounds just like the terrorists right that's true so if you're talking about someone from like you know a very conservative part of the country saying we hate New York because New York is the liberal elite. And then you say, oh, the terrorists hate New York, too.

You know who else hates New York? You should be on the side of the terrorists, you fucks. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, it's kind of weird, right? It is weird. And there is a weird thing happening right now. But I do feel like the country is divided to a point of, like, I don't know. Well, I got to be honest, man.

On the internet, it's not it doesn't seal on the internet it's bad i got my i got my news a lot from the daily show when i would watch the daily show and i would see i feel like john stewart is obviously a very left-leaning guy but he's also a very smart guy and a very funny guy and when he would talk about like events in the news and mock them and show clips and mock the clips that to me is a way better version of what I would get. I can discern what's a joke. I can discern how he's making fun. But then I will also get the actual information of these events from him as well.

That to me is a way better version of news entertainment than what fucking CNN is doing. Because what CNN is doing is having what are essentially actors like really boring people that are reading Some stupid shit off a teleprompter like you take fucking Anderson Cooper away from the news. What was Anderson Cooper? What are you interesting dude? You know let's have him talk have him Give a speech somewhere have him talk to people have him have him do that do a stand-up routine. He's boring as shit I bet You know what I'm saying? I mean, if you're watching an entertainer give you the news, which is essentially what CNN's doing.

Right. Fucking Jon Stewart should be on CNN. Yeah, but then he'd have to go to work every day. He doesn't want to do that. Right. Is that what his deal is? He doesn't want to work anymore? No, I mean, he doesn't want...

The Daily Show, after so many years, I mean, I was there for a long... I talked to John a lot. I think a lot of it is just the feeling of, like, you know, doing a talk show four nights a week every day and calling through all that news. Like, we were giving people the little golden nuggets that happened throughout the day, but, like, we had to watch it. Like, you know, we were absorbing a lot of, like, radiation from all that stuff over the years. And, like, you know, like, The closer you are to the radiation, the more your hair gets gray and your soul

hurts after a while. And I think for John, I think him leaving when he left was a good way to do it. Did he just make a bunch of money and say, that's it? No, it wasn't even the money. I think it was just he felt like and he said it on the last show. I wasn't there for the I mean, I'd stopped working there before he retired, but I think he just got

to a point where he said, I'm not doing this at the level I could do it at anymore. Therefore, someone else should do it. Like, he was just kind of, he did it, you know? And I think if he waited through this election, which people are like, I wish he was still on. It's like, yeah, but now Trump would be in and then everyone would be like, you can't quit now. You know, like he'd be stuck in it forever, you know? And I think he just wanted to walk away like on the top, you know, like the way, you know, like a retire after a Super Bowl win kind of a thing. People forget that he wasn't the original host.

Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, Kilbourne was. Yeah, what happened to that guy? I don't know. I never worked there with Kilbourne. I started like six months after Jon Stewart started. And so I've heard a lot of like funny Kilbourne stories. Like he was a good dude

and he was a really funny guy but like definitely much more of a read the teleprompter yeah read what they put in the prompter kind of you know yes rogan ron burgundy style yes you know fuck yourself san diego yeah yeah great job on the floor everybody uh john when john came on and he was like really a writer producer mind there was definitely like a sea change at the show of like the writers the original writers going like What they'll hey buddy don't ruin our little show and he was like I don't know if you understand this is gonna work. You know there was a little bit It was like a clash a little bit a little bit. What was their vision that he was just gonna read whatever they wrote Yeah, period yeah, but he's a really funny comic.

Why wouldn't they want him to contribute and make it funnier? I don't know. I mean, it worked out in his favor. I think his contributions ended up making the show pretty damn good. Obviously. Yeah. But egos are a motherfucker, man. It's always an odd thing. Yeah.

Comedy writers are, like you said, there's definitely a thing with comedy writers where it's, we have this special, unique skill. And it is a skill. And it's hard. I've done it. I do it. Like, it's we have this special unique skill and it is a skill and it's hard i i've done it i do it like it's hard but you know a lot of people are funny you know the internet to me taught me that like the internet was when it really became the internet the last 10 years like oh yeah like there's just some funny dudes who live in the middle of nowhere and they're as funny as anyone i've ever met and they just never had access to this. They never had access to L.A. or TV or even knew how to, in their wildest dreams, how do you get into this business?

It doesn't seem like. We don't have to anymore. Yeah. The whole idea is just to get your message out or get your comedy out. And you can just do that on Instagram now. Yep. I was super lucky in that I was on a really unusual sitcom in news radio. And not unusual in that it was funny, but unusual in that Paul Sims, who is the executive producer, he had almost zero ego.

And so if Dave Foley came up with a funnier line or Steven Root came up with a funnier line, he's like, oh, yeah, go with that. Like instantaneously would drop whatever the old line was and go with their line. So my whole take on comedy on television was poisoned like early on by their generosity and lack of ego. So like when I would, when we would do that show, like Dave Foley would rewrite whole fucking scenes when we do run throughs. Genius, genius, secret producer of that show in a lot of ways. But they wanted him to do it. They're like, let's just make the best show we can.

And everybody would contribute. So there was never any. So I would do other things. And when I would do other things, and when someone would have a better line, and the writers go, eh, let's stick with the first one. I'm like, that line's way better. I'm like, what the fuck's going on here? Like, you don't want to try that line?

Yeah. I was like, oh, there's some weird ego shit going on here, where the writers didn't want to be replaced by some stand-up comic who was on it. Of course. Because then they're. Some David Spade type character or whatever. they've been rendered irrelevant at that point you know nobody wants somebody else to come in and do the thing they think that they need to be doing they want to protect their existence but yeah i mean every show like for me at the daily show and then the nightly show you know i was running i mean i

didn't start running the daily show i started as a pa but like i ultimately ended up being the executive producer before I left. And same with the Nightly Show. My attitude with all of those shows was all I cared about was the show being as good as it could be. I didn't really care where the idea came from. The goal was every night the best show possible. Right.

Now, what was your experience doing the Nightly Show? How long did you do it for? We did it. We were on the air for a year and a half. My experience there was awesome. I loved the people. What happened to the show? Why did it. We were on the air for a year and a half. My experience there was awesome. I loved the people. What happened to the show? Why did it not work?

I mean, I think it didn't work because, well, there's a lot of reasons I think it didn't work. But mainly, it takes a talk show a while to figure out what it is. Right. And so if you watch the last six months of the show, we really started nailing it. We really had something special. And we figured it out. Like we got the groove down. We figured out what the, what the acts were, what we, the kind of stories we were tackling and it takes that long. But in, in figuring that out, you know, Jon Stewart left

the daily show. So our lead in, and you know, this is nothing new Trevor, but our lead in was now a new host of the show. So I think the audience gave us a chance, which any audience would when we first aired, and the show wasn't quite there yet, as no show is, but they gave us a chance. And then when John left, I think they had already given us our chance. So by the time we found

the show, like meaning within the show, by the time we made it good and really figured out what it was, the audience was like, ah, no, we already tried that show. We didn't like it. And we're like, oh, no, come back now and try it because it's better now, you know? Was it a ratings issue? Yeah, ratings. Ratings for both shows. I mean, late night's tough right now,

man. And also, don't forget, like, the nightly show was on at 11.30. It replaced Colbert, but Colbert didn't go anywhere. He just went to a bigger show at 11.30. So now you have, like, an unknown dude, Larry Wilmore, who's amazing, but he wasn't. What does he do? anywhere he just went to a bigger show at 11 30 so now you have like an unknown dude larry one more who's amazing but he was what does he do uh now he's just no what does he do is he a comic larry was a producer he was a comic originally and a producer he created the bernie mac show

he created he's been producing and writing television like every show you've ever liked he's behind you know so how did he get behind the camera? Because he was on The Daily Show. He was our senior black correspondent. Oh, okay. So he would come in like once a month and do like a thing about racial issues in America. I see. And then John really, Stuart really wanted to do a show about race because, you know, Ferguson was going on, all that stuff was happening.

So he wanted to do a show that was more of a conversation about race, minority report. And when John called me, I was like, oh, that sounds funny. He goes, and I want you to be the token white guy. You know what I mean? Like, meaning I could be the like dude on the panel who's, you know, either playing the defensive role or the aggressive role in talking about some of this stuff. But it ended up being a lot more of a daily show kind of show.

Like we had like much more of an act one footage news uh we did a lot of sketches like for me it was a great experience i got like i have a reel now you know am i real it's on my website it's like me i i was wearing mustaches i was doing accents like i was playing we we started to infuse what for me was my dream of comedy which was the daily show topics with the conan o'brien absurdity so we would do stuff like um like one of my favorites was when that uh san bernardino shooting happened and they were trying to get in that guy's phone larry noticed that everyone in the news was going we got to get backdoor access backdoor access backdoor access backdoor access

so we did a bit where i was a backdoor access expert you know and it was like just a creepy dude in a basement with like a mustache and like a mesh shirt I was like yeah, baby. You want to get in the back door Larry you can't come at it So hard you know those kind of things so we were talking about real Issues and then playing it with like sketch, so it really got funny and good But I think it by the time it got funny and good Comedy Central was like ah we got other problems. Are you happier now just doing stand-up? Yeah.

Now, when I ran into you in Denver, which was a fucking fun night. That was fun, man. That was a fun night. Rory was there the night that Chappelle showed up at my late show on Friday night. And by the way, I was watching you. So psyched because I knew we were going to go out afterwards and have some drinks and chat. And then Chappelle came in. And at the Comedy Cellar in New York, Chappelle comes in a lot.

But when he comes into the cellar, it's like, well, he'll be on stage for seven hours, you know what I mean? Really? Oh, yeah. He'll go on stage sometimes for like five hours. Five hours? Five hours. Yeah. Like... Regularly? Not regularly, but it happens, like to the point where some dude

in the back is sweeping up, you know what I mean? That's crazy. Yeah, he's just on stage smoking butts, doing his stuff. So when he first got on stage smoking butts, doing his stuff. So when he first got on stage, I'm like, oh no. I looked at my girlfriend and I go, we're never going out with Joe tonight.

I'm like, we're going to be watching Chappelle till seven in the morning. But he did his, what, 20 minutes or something? It was cool.

Yeah, he didn't do that much time. It was the end of the show. It was late. I guess maybe you would assume that Denver people don't have the stamina that New York City people have.

Yeah, I think so. When he does five hours, how many people are still there after five hours? I'm never there, so I couldn't tell you. have to leave after like an hour But uh wow he you know people will stay through the whole thing, but like not everybody. You know it's so weird Yeah, but he's a I mean he know he's I don't know I could watch Chappelle for yeah, like he's that guy's it He's such a good dude, but he definitely like I've never really hung out with him I've talked to him a bunch

But never hung out and everyone's like dude hanging out with Chappelle's the best. And that night I was like, I don't think he likes me very much. Why is that? I don't know. We were just hanging out. You didn't think he liked you? I just got to say. When we all went out?

Yeah. No, I didn't. You know, it was one of those things where I'm like, every time I said, like, he definitely liked my girlfriend. You know what I mean? Was he talking to her? No, not like an aggressive way. What do you mean?

I just meant, like, he was definitely like, I was like, so, you ever really have that where you can't get a rhythm with someone? I would be talking to him and I'd be like, alright, well that story's not gonna fly. Like I had that. I couldn't get like... That's weird. That's your perception. That's interesting. My perception is, generally speaking, that nobody ever likes me. I'm one of those dudes.

See, my perception was, it was a fun night. We went bar hop. We went to these... I've been to Denver. That speakeasy was crazy. Fucking a hundred times, yeah. We went to these places that you go down an alleyway, you pass a dumpster, you go through an unmarked door, and we're in this weird secret bar. And I'm like, what is this bar, man?

You know what it reminded me of? It was like that scene in Goodfellas. Yeah. Where he's like, you want some dresses, Karen? She's like, no, I'm okay, Jimmy. You know what I mean? And he's like, go ahead, go down a couple more garage doors, make a left. No, I'm okay, Jimmy. You know what I mean? He's like, go ahead. Go down a couple more garage doors. Make a left.

I'm okay, Jimmy. And then she just drives away. That's what it was. Everyone was like, yeah, there's a bar. Just keep going and make a left. We're like, down this alley? Yeah, the hackles in the back of my neck were up. I'm like, I might have to fucking run.

UFC legend Joe Rogan, or I'm not going to this bar. I was going to run, dude. You'd be stuck. I'm not taking a bike to anybody. You pussy. I'm thinking of running and leaving you guys behind. That's so funny. Yeah, it was cool, though.

It was fun. We got kicked out of two places for smoking weed. Two different places they told us we couldn't smoke weed. Dave will just spark up a joint in a regular place. Dave will just light up a cigarette in a restaurant. Like, he just doesn't give a shit. That's a weird thing. He's, like, missing a I don't give a fuck.

He's got a gene, like an I don't give a fuck gene. He's, like I don't give a fuck. He's got a gene, like an I don't give a fuck gene. He's like missing a give a fuck. I know. It's not there. And the best comics to me are the ones who don't give a fuck. Yeah. And that dude triple doesn't give a fuck. Yeah.

So that's why he's so good on stage, because he really doesn't give a shit. We were out till like well after four o'clock in the morning. In Denver. There was a DJ. Yeah. We went to some place. There was a DJ and the DJ starts playing and there's like literally like 10 of us in this bar.

I'm like, how is this place staying open? It's like they were just happy to have Chappelle there. I think Chappelle even went up to the DJ and was like, and then plugged in his music. He was like, I got this. Yeah. The DJ was like. Yeah. He plugged in his phone. He was like, I got this. Did you, Jay? Yeah.

He plugged in his phone. Whatever you say, Mr. Chappelle. Yeah, it was fucking, it was such a trip. Well, Dave brings these two huge, they're like, you know those Bluetooth speakers, the JVC Bluetooth speakers? He boomboxes them. He brings two of them. They're huge. They're like the size of, bigger than a football, right?

So he brings two of them. They're huge. They're like the size of, bigger than a football, right? So he brings two of them, and they're synced together. So one's left and one's right, and he'll put them on opposite ends of his green room and blare music. And I was asking him about it. I go, why do you carry these fucking things around? He goes, Joe, my only socializing I do is in green rooms. It's like the only socializing. That's the only time I hang out with people.

I go, what do you do other than that? He goes, oh, I'm by myself i mean i live in dayton ohio he lives in the middle of nowhere and on a fucking farm on a farm yeah what a cool dude though he's hilarious he's a really unique guy in a lot of ways he's also he's also just um it's it's very impressive to see somebody who's that like kind of legendary at stand-up and walk into a place and people are like, oh, shit, even whatever level comic is like, oh, shit, Chappelle's here, and then him also just be cool.

Like, in other words, he doesn't have to be cool. Yeah, but he's not aloof at all. He's super friendly. Yep. But I think he definitely has, like, a little bit of a wall up for guys like you. Yeah. That's why when you came up to him,

you're like, hey, what's going on, buddy? He's like, oh, man, another one. Another dude who wants my phone number. Let me get the fuck out of here. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, I definitely don't want your phone number. We're just going to be getting hammered together tonight. Might as well talk a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah, we pulled it out until like, I left him there. I left him there at like 4.30 or something. Yeah, I left at like 4, 4.30. Yeah, I was like, I got to go to sleep, man. Denver is a fun town. It is. I did a show before.

I was there Thursday. I did the show Thursday. And then they did it because I was showcasing my hour. So they created a show before your show. So I did my hour at like 6 o'clock or something, like early. They made an early show, which they had never done. And I was like, I got to showcase for somebody at like 6 o'clock? But, like early. Like they made an early show, which they had never done. And I was like, I'm like, I got a showcase for somebody at like six o'clock. But man, that club, Comedy Works, the room was full.

It was like six o'clock. I like killed. I couldn't even believe it. I was like, this is gonna be like a lunchtime show. It's gonna be brutal. Nope. Filled it up. Everyone came.

I've never been more impressed with a comedy club in my life than people being able to pull off a show early and good. And then you had two shows after. You got to meet Wendy, the owner of the comedy works? Yeah, she's awesome. She's the reason why there's a scene in Denver. I mean, she is the scene. I mean, she literally is responsible for that place.

That's why I work that club. The last time I was there, I sold out the Belco. It's like 6,000 people, but I still work her club. It's just like i i can't not support that place that place is fantastic it's it's so important too because she brings people up from open micer to hosting to middling to headlining like she has like local headlines yeah she like farm she has like a farm team a real farm team man she's really legit and there's there's a community in denver like there's legit professional comics that work in and around denver she'll have local headliners headline for the week and they'll pack the place yeah she's got a great system man i mean she's just man she's just really put it together and they're all top quality stand-ups like there's no hacks there's no

there's no bullshit she doesn't tolerate thieves or any bullshit yeah club owners who really curate and pay attention to their club always have the best clubs It's just you know, that's that's one of the reasons the comedy still are so amazing like Esty who runs it like yeah curates it like it's not like Even if you get past there like that doesn't mean you're working there all the time like right like she's she's always got an eye On everyone's like you you have to be consistently good there to stay Yeah, and I've seen guys come and go at that place. And like that place sometimes will drive a comic crazy,

like, because they're so excited to be in. And then they like panic. Should I sit at the table? Should I not sit at the, you know, I've seen, and then they're like moving.

And like, every time I come in, they're like three tables further away. I'm like, you're getting further from the table. And then they're at my moods, the falafel place next door. I'm like,

you're not going to be working there anymore. Like that place, you know, drives people a little, can drive you a little crazy because you want to succeed there and you want to be a part of it and you want to be accepted. You know, and my first year or so in that place, I was like that for sure. You know, before I was like, okay, like I'm working. Well, in the 1980s, there was a bunch of communities all over the country. San Francisco had a community. Boston had a big community. New York, of course, and all over the country. San Francisco had a community. Boston had a big community.

New York, of course, and L.A. have always had communities. Texas had a community. It's a big community in Houston. It was huge. Austin has always had a community. Yeah, Austin's got a good scene. But, you know, there's been a few things that have happened that are good and bad. The good thing is, like, these improvs have opened up everywhere.

And so you get that improv experience everywhere you go. You get these big clubs that are packed. Everyone's super professional. The shows are packed. Everything's great. The food's great. The drinks are great. The service is great. But they don't have that sort of Zany's in Nashville feel. You know what I mean? By the way, I just did Zany's Chicago a week ago, and I'm going to Nashville in the spring. Same sort of vibe. I love that. Zany's Chicago is like I just it's just cause it's like an old gritty club

headshots everywhere yeah yeah yeah well the headshots are like half the people are dead you know you look around you're like Richard Jenny

oh this guy that guy you know but those clubs they have like there's a more there's a more organic sort of

what's the word craft beer sort of feel to them they feel like more authentic in some sort of a weird way. I love working at the improvs, don't get me wrong, but there's something about those improvs that, like Houston used to have a big scene.

They used to have the laugh stop in River Oaks. It was a huge scene. Kennison started out there. Bill Hicks was there. All those guys were there. Hicks did one of his early DVDs at the laugh stop, and then it became The improv was in town the laugh stop went under they moved locations

And they went under and then the improv opened up and then it was like a headliner club Well, you know like Tracy Morgan would be there or this guy would be there But it would always be big-name comedians and that was it and so like the local scene sort of dwindled I've heard it sort of started making a comeback but it dwindled I'm trying to think when you're saying I feel like I'm doing I'm doing Laugh Out Loud in San Antonio Oh I haven't been there

So you're touring everywhere now I'm hopefully taping an hour in the spring For who? I don't know if I'm allowed to say it or not yet because it's not official Don't say it You know how this business works I don't know if I'm like a lot to say or not yet. You can't say it? Because it's not official. I don't know. Oh, okay. I mean, it's a- Don't say it. Well, here's the thing. I know what you're saying.

You know how this business works. Like, until I see it on the thing, like until I'm in it, like I don't believe I have anything until I have it. Until you sign. Yeah. Or even just like once it's like taped and I'm sitting at home and I go, everyone turn on, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, you know, this business always feels like you're one ahead of a network getting

fired away from not having the thing you thought you're going to have. So I always just try to be very, not only superstitious, but just like, but it looks like one way or the other, I'll be taping my hair in the spring. But yeah, so I'm just on the road. That's what I mean. When the nightly show ended, I was bummed. Obviously I wanted the show to be on for 10 years or 20 for everybody who worked there. But personally speaking, my goal with the nightly show was never to stay there as the executive producer forever my goal was to launch it get it going sort of you know teach everyone how to do it because it was the daily show model that we were you know and i know how to do that very well and then my hope was i

would just be on the show and like slowly relinquish my authority of like running it to other people so i could work from like noon to three and then just do stand up that was the goal a three-hour work day three-hour work day and being on you know but uh uh but not my but that wasn't my goal yet my goal was to get the show successful before i did that right so when it got cancelled i was you know i was pretty bummed and i was pretty disappointed i put a lot of time into it but you know for me it was like all right well i want to go on the road anyway. And I had my whole fall booked, so I didn't really know how I was going to manage both anyway.

So I was like, all right, well, there you go. And I got my reel, I got my on-camera reel, which to me is just the thing you need to say when you're pitching something to somebody. They go, wait, are you going to be in this? Have you ever been on TV? You're like, yeah, no, I've got it. You just need proof of your ability to do it,

and I got that. Well, that's the fucked up thing about doing anything on a network because you have to get someone to agree Agree to use you agree to this agree that there's all these people that aren't the creative people But they have the money yeah, and they're the ones you have to talk to about it. You know well Well, we've got this idea. Oh, let me see your idea Yeah, I give you a money. Yeah, maybe I should give you the coveted 8 p.m.. Slot. Maybe not yep Can I give you money? Maybe I should give you the coveted 8 p.m. slot.

Maybe not. Yep. I don't know. Kiss my ass. Yeah. But that gatekeeper model is dying. It's over. Yeah.

It's over. And all you need now is a room with a camera. I mean, that's literally all you need is the space to film whatever you're filming, the budget to afford cameras, and the ability to stream and upload things. You just need a little venture capital. You don't even need a venture capital. No, I mean you just need somebody to give you like a hundred grand unless you have it. You need a hundred grand to do what? Well, I'm just saying depending on what you're looking to shoot, you know. Oh, okay. But I'm saying if you want

like a SAG-AFTRA level thing with like good camera guys. Or you have a bunch of your friends and you write it and you use a fucking camera like one of these things. Yeah, then you don't need anything. I just feel like this is a strange time when it comes to that stuff. Yeah. Like there's a lot of people that are still treating it as if it's like you're filming some movie or some television show with a big budget.

I also find too like the digital spaces now are being taken over by the old guard. Oh really? In other words, all of a sudden like if you, you know, you want to pitch something to like CISO. Right. It's like, well, it's a branch of NBC, so NBC. Yeah, it is NBC. NBC Business Affairs has to get involved.

And you're like, well, now I'm right back to where I started. Why weren't I just pitching this to NBC? But they're doing a lot of stand-up specials. Yeah, they are. Stand-up specials for guys like Stan Hope and Joey Diaz. Yeah. And people that are, who else just did one recently? Someone was just on that had a CISO special.

Who the fuck was it? I don't know. God damn it, Jamie. Somebody had one. Jesus Christ, I can't remember. That's too fast. All right, whatever. There's too many people.

Yeah, there's a lot of comics. But they're doing a lot of good stand-up comedy specials on CISO. Yeah, that's great. And it's great that that exists. Nick DiPaolo. Nick DiPaolo, that's right. I love Nick DiPaolo. Glad I remember that. Yeah, Nick's just came And it's great that that exists. Nick DiPaolo. I love Nick DiPaolo. Glad I remember that.

Yeah, Nick just came out on CISO. And CISO, you know, I mean, it is a branch of NBC, but they're uncensored and they're doing great stuff, you know. I just think that, well, here's a crazy statistic that I just read yesterday. Ready for this? Netflix takes up one third of the bandwidth of the United States of America one third one all of the internet bandwidth one third of the bandwidth that's being used the United States of America is through Netflix Wow Wow That's insane

What's the other third like Pornhub it's all twothirds porn. Yeah. And there's like one BuzzFeed. Is BuzzFeed dead? Is that the one that got killed by Hulk Hogan? No, that's Gawker. Okay, Gawker. Gawker's dead. Gawker's dead. Killed by Hulk Hogan.

I forget which one. Which one of those salacious sites. That's so funny. Yeah, well, that's it. I mean, it's like those sites. Like TMZ is probably like one-eighth. Yeah. TMZ, man.

Juggernauts. Yeah, all those news stations and YouTube's probably a big chunk, too. Facebook, too. People love Facebook, juggernauts. Yeah, all those little news stations and you know, YouTube's probably a big chunk too. Facebook too, people love Facebook man. A third man, a third of the internet. That's nuts. Yeah. That's nuts. Like if you looked at a pie of the internet, one third is Netflix.

That's crazy. But a lot of it's gotta be because you're streaming video. In other words, that takes up a lot of bandwidth. Oh yeah. So it's not necessarily that many people are using Netflix, it's just that the stuff that they're using on Netflix is that thick. For sure. It's definitely both. I mean, it's definitely a lot of people, but it is definitely, I mean, it's growing constantly.

Netflix is a goddamn snowball rolling down the mountainside. Netflix has completely revolutionized and reinvigorated this whole entertainment industry. I mean, I went and met with those guys while I was out here because I've been out here for like a month. whole entertainment industry. I mean, I went and met with those guys while I was out here because I've been out here for like a month. And you want to talk about the difference of you take a meeting at like a Viacom type place versus like a Netflix type place. Like Netflix, it's like they just moved into a new office building.

They're like, you want a water? You're like, sure. You go in the back. It's like, what kind of water do you want? They got like snacks everywhere. People are like pogo sticking around. Like everyone's so happy. You know?

It's like the building is new. There's like a valet in front. He's like, freeogo sticking around. Everyone's so happy. It's just the building is new. There's a valet in front. He's like, free of charge. I'll park your car. I'm like, thank you Mr. Netflix. Everything about it is so nice. Everybody's so nice. Everyone's in a good mood. I went up to MTV for a meeting and they were like, get us. Help us.

We're dying. We don't know what to do. They have $9 a month is what it costs, right? And how many millions of people do they have on Netflix now? I heard something. 93 million people today is what I heard on the way in here. Oh! So, 93 million people.

What is that? What is that mathematically? It's close to $900 million a month. Yeah. It's close to a billion dollars a month. It's in the neighborhood. It's closing in on a billion dollars a month. It's in the neighborhood. It's closing in on a billion dollars a month. A month.

That's nuts, dude. That's hilarious. That's nuts. That's so much money. That's just printing money. I did my first comedy special on Netflix in 2005. Wow. That was my very first special.

It was on Netflix. Yeah, getting a comedy special on Netflix now is near impossible. Is it? Because of the Chappelle and Chris Rock. I just did one. Yeah, but I'm the Chappelle and Chris Rock. I just didn't want to. Yeah, but I'm saying, but you're famous. So that helps. I mean, I think they're doing something.

I mean, but they buy some, too. Like, if you do one and then you could sell it to them. Like, they bought Tony Hinchcliffe's last year. I know, but now it's harder now. It's a bit harder now. Yeah, and again, for me, I mean, I think you probably have to have a bigger name. Here's a trailer for the new Will Smith movie

Netflix reportedly paid $90 million for. Run that shit. Let's see it. Can we play it? No, we can't play it. What'll happen? They'll kick us off? They'll kick us off, but you can watch it.

Will they kick us off YouTube? Yeah, because it's their trailer. They just put it up. Can I call somebody? Come on, guys. I'm one of you. I'm trying to hook you guys YouTube? Yeah, because it's their trailer. They just put it up. Can I call somebody? I'm like, come on, guys. I'm one of you. I'm trying to hook you guys up. But he has a sword.

But I'm trying to hook them up. That's exciting. This seems like a movie you'd like, Joe. I like all Will Smith's movies, except for the one where he's the homeless guy with his son. I couldn't watch that. What about the one with kids? What about the Scientology one with his son? What was that one? What's that one where-

He has a Scientology movie? Yeah, it's an L. Ron Hubbard book. Come on. That one? No, no, no, no. It's like a space. Him and his son are stuck on a planet. Oh, it just came out.

That's L. Ron Hubbard's movie? I think that's his. Remember when Travolta did... Battleship Earth. Battleship Earth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Battlefield Earth. And he's like, they're human animals.

That's also an L. Ron Hubbard book. So this is... We're watching this right now, Will Smith. It plays a cop in L.A. and there's orcs. It's like futuristic sci-fi. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. This looks dope.

There's orcs? He's got a sword in the future. There's orcs? That's an orc? Whoa. David Ayer directed it. The guy that did Suicide Squad and Training Day. Oh, this looks good.

When is that coming out? December. God damn it, why you make me wait till December? December's a year from now, you fucks. It's goddamn February. That's not cool. This is bullshit. Yeah, he said, Will Smith said,

sci-fi was always the genre he liked to do because those were the highest grossing movies every time. I Am Legend? Yeah, I Am Legend's a great I Am Legend's a great flick. It's a great flick. Anytime it's a dude and a German shepherd alone, I'm like, this is good. I think they should go over I Am Legend, though,

and redo some of those scenes. Like the ones with the lions in New York City. Like, come on, those lions look so fucking fake. Yeah. Well, you know, the CGI wasn't where it needed to be. I know. Redo it. Just redo it and don't tell anybody.

After Earth. After Earth? I'm pretty sure After Earth is an L. Ron Hubbard book. Is that him and his son? Is that the deal? Yeah. And Jaden. Okay, find out.

Jaden seems completely insane. I don't think it's good to grow up famous. Willow Smith has a new song that's out that I'm not going to lie. It's a good tune. Well, that's not good. How old is she? Oh. For sure, don't release your kid's music until they're 21.

It's a Shyamalan flick? Yeah. Oh, who wrote the movie? It's a Shyamalan flick and it wasn't good? What? It was directed and wrote by a Shyamalan. Oh, okay. Same thing.

They're both fucking hooksters. Here's the twist on this one. It wasn't good. M. Night Shyamalan made one good movie and then fucked us all Repeatedly They can't stop giving him movies to me How many fucking chances do you get How is the new one supposed to be

Split personality one Pretty good Did you see it Did you see the one where Marky Mark gets chased by the wind I think it was plants that were trying to kill him I thought it was the wind. Might be both. That's one of the greatest bad movies I've ever seen in my life. It's just

Mark Wahlberg running around. He's like, get in the fucking house. The fucking house. The wind's trying to kill us here. He looks like a branch blows. He's like, I got a fucking wind. There's a guy in that movie who runs himself over with his own lawnmower. He's mowing his lawn and then they cut away and they look back and he's under the lawnmower

So the wind got him? I guess So the wind's targeting individuals The wind wants you to kill yourself I think is what it is It's unbelievably bad That's right, nature wanted you to kill yourself, right? There was like a smell that it was putting out or something like that All I know is there's a scene where he's running in a field and he's panicking

And the only thing that's happening is grass is blowing up Meanwhile, if nature wanted to There's a scene where he's running in a field and he's panicking and the only thing that's happening is grass is blowing up. Meanwhile, if nature wanted to, have you ever seen some of those giant storm clouds that they photograph over the Kansas cornfields and shit that are as big as cities? Yep. Why wouldn't nature just do that thing that it already does? Why does it have to do something where it targets lawnmowers, makes them run over assholes? It's just so stupid. Yeah.

Like people are always trying to find some new hook. Yeah. Like the village or these people, they think that it's 1612, but it's really 2015 and they're living in the middle of a place where they're not allowed to fly planes. Like what? Yeah. They can't fly planes over this area. There's a no fly zone. Yeah.

That's why this works. That's why this works. How big is this fucking no-fly zone? Because I don't know if you know this, but planes fly everywhere, you cunts. Even if they're outside the zone, you'd probably still hear one. But here's the stupid thing. They walk, and in a short amount of time they're at a road, and then cars drive

by. Remember that? I don't think I ever saw the village. You should see it. It's fucking terrible. I was taking a break from Shyamalan for a while. I took a little Shyamalan hiatus. Remember he did Devil, the one about a haunted elevator? No. Yeah. He did that?

Yeah, it was him. Yeah. He can't stop. Haunted elevator. The elevator's trying to kill you. You know what you should do? Jordan Peele's horror movie is supposed to be incredible i haven't seen it yet yeah i feel like sean malone should try doing a comedy you know what i mean why not mix it up

try taking a nap just break take a break he made one good movie that's six that movie was good though that's a very good six cents is a good movie but often that happens with people like how many bands have come out with one great album and then they their follow-up is dog shit most yeah yeah statistically i would say most bands comedians do the same thing some comics have one How many bands have come out with one great album, and then their follow-up is dog shit? Most. Yeah. Yeah. Statistically, I would say most bands. Comedians do the same thing. Some comics have one great special, and then they, like, I'm a huge Kinison fan, but I

always point out to him, he's the best example of a guy who came out of the gate with the greatest of all time, or one of the greatest of all time. I think Pryor's the greatest of all time. But Kinison's right up there, like, number two. It's funny, because people don't bring him up in those conversations enough. Yeah. I'm saying when you have the who's the best conversation about stand-up, Kennison's name isn't even like. Yeah, they go with Carlin.

And all due respect, I just don't think they're comparable. Carlin is a great comic and his body of work is fantastic. And he just did a new hour every year for decades. But he had a lot of duds you know and the later the later years uh were tough i'm a big carlin family yeah his later specials were a lot less um he was a lot less charming and he was doing a lot more like we're all gonna die yeah well you are yeah well you're definitely dying dude you're older i've been watching you for years it doesn't look up. But I love to, I mean, jamming in New York to me is one of the best hours of all time.

No, he's got fantastic work. Don't get me wrong. But it's not as funny as Kinison's best work. Kinison's best work, when he was doing that bit about the homosexual necrophiliacs that were paying money to spend a few hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses. Can you imagine that? You're lying down. You're like, well, I'm dead now. I'm going to go meet Jesus.

And hey, what the fuck is this? It feels like some guy's got his dick in my ass. You mean life keeps fucking in the ass even after you're dead? It never ends. It never ends. Oh, oh. He was fat. And the whole thing about him was like he wore an overcoat, and he had

a beret with a comb over him. Yeah. He was just, the whole thing was chaos. Yeah. He was something that never existed before. I actually think Jammin' in New York is dedicated to Sam Kinison. Wow. Yeah.

Well, he was, I mean, look, Carlin's an all-time great, don't get me wrong. I mean, if there's a top 10, he's in there. But I really think- I think these days Burr's up there, too. His recent specials have been... He's doing stuff in some of his specials where I'm like, I can't even believe you can do that. You people are all the same where he does the thing about hitting women. And you're like, how is he going to stick this landing?

It's like 2,500 people pull back. He goes, I feel you pulling away. And you're like, holy shit. You know what I love? The one he does about Arnold Schwarzenegger. A great man. He's a great man. Gold digging horse.

Took down a great man. That's the same hour. That's the same hour. There's a lot of great comedy going on right now, man. There is. For sure. It's a fun time. It is a fun time. Are you living in New York? Yeah, I'm living man. There is. For sure. There is. For sure. Yeah. It's a fun time. It is a fun time.

Are you living in New York? Yeah, I'm living there. I mean, I've been out here for a month. I got cast in this little digital series thing. What's a digital series? What is it? It's like a 10-episode little sci-fi comedy thing that I got cast in. I didn't even audition for it.

I think they just saw my nightly show, Reel, and they're like, we need someone to play a douchey guy. I'm like, I'm your guy. A sci-fi comedy? It's like a weird sci-fi comedy. What's it called guy you know a sci-fi comedy it's like a weird sci-fi what's it called uh it's called stellar people it's like a dinner i mean i don't it's like a dinner i've just finished it it was really fun though because i've never done single camera acting before which is a different kind of thing a lot of work but it's a lot of

like there's a dude five inches from your face and they're like don't look at him i'm like but i want to he's right in my face i I'm not like professionally trained They're like look over there. I'm like, but you're right there The lens so close is it long ass two hours and long days it was super low budget But it was a sag thing and it was yeah, we were shooting like 11 pages a day Like it was but the dudes shooting it were so sharp They were so good and they were young there I didn't realize until the wrap party how young they were we were at the wrap party the other night I'm like how long you guys been doing this like oh, we got a other night. I'm like, how long have you guys been doing this?

They're like, oh, we got a feature coming out. I'm like, oh, cool. How old are you guys? 26. I was like, shit. Yeah. And it kind of made me, I was inspired. I was like, couldn't you guys just be with me all the time?

Because you're 26 and you're funny and you're talented and you know how to shoot and edit and everything they shoot looks good. And they still have energy. Ten years ago, they were in high school. Yeah. So like 10 years ago, this whole thing was kicking off. You know, 10 years ago, they were in high school. Yeah. So like 10 years ago, this whole thing was kicking off. You know, 10 years ago, you're looking at 2007. That was like really the launch of the digital space.

You know, like I said, my Netflix special was in 2005. Nobody had Netflix in 2005, and it was looked at as like a joke. Yep. And that's sort of where 2006, 2007, things started ramping up, and then digital became more and more of a big deal. I remember people, there was, NBC had a different thing before CISO that they were doing. God damn it. What was the name of it?

There was another name. We had actually a deal with them. Did they have Burly Bear? That was like a college thing they had years ago. No, no. It was Crackle. Oh, yeah. Crackle.

Because Crackle's still around, isn't it? I don't know if it's NBC anymore. Sometimes I see Crackle come up on things. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe anymore sometimes i see crackle come up on things i don't know maybe yeah maybe crackle i remember but when we had a deal with them but a bunch of shit fell through and they want to just give me money for nothing that's good nothing yeah nothing it was one of those weird things where like nothing happened but you got paid gave me money i'm like okay it's pretty cool all right yeah i could go for one of those crackle if you're if you're out there yeah it was like an interview show we were going to do.

It was similar to a podcast, but in weird locations, just sitting down with people. Which, by the way, is not the best move. The best move is to have a place like this where it's quiet and you just sit down and talk. But everybody wants, like, how about we do it in a park? People feel weird in a park. And there's birds chirping and like vans blowing up. Fucking drive-by in the background. Sirens.

Yeah. Joggers and shit. Yeah. Dogs bite you. I remember I did a show with Neil Brennan for Sundance a couple years ago, and they had never done a show, like it was a studio show, but they wanted to shoot it in a loft. You know? And I was like, well, we could get a studio and then make it look like a loft.

And that way it's soundproof. You know what I'm saying? They're like, oh, but we really want it to feel like a loft. I'm like, you know, the friends, they weren't really in a loft, right? That was like, like, but. No, no, no, no, no, bro. I saw it. They were so desperate for like it to feel.

And I was like, you're going to have the loudest, most unshootable show. If you go find a loft in Soho, you just wire it with lights. So we ended up getting a studio. But it's like, that's a bad instinct. Yeah, that's what someone said to me. Doing stuff outside of a professional area. Someone said to me, let's do a podcast at Starbucks. How about you just know?

Yeah. Know. How about we just get Starbucks and go to a studio and talk? Why would you want to go to Starbucks? So you want to take the chance that people next to you having arguments with their agent on the phone or screaming at their dog walker or whatever they're like, you can't find Fluffy! That's all going to be on your podcast. Is that cool?

You don't have the best conversations in public places like that. That's not a good move. But everybody wants to do something crafty and creative and different. Yeah, I mean, I always think, I find that too with stand-ups a lot of times. Younger stand-ups will say like, I'm really trying to be outside the box. I'm like, get a box. First have a fucking box. You need a box first.

You know, like Jackson Pollock knew how to paint a bowl of fruit. You know what I mean? Did he though? I think he did. I don't know if he did. Like in other words, you got to like start with some sort of basic skill set before you're like, now let's start a podcast. You hit a sore spot with me, buddy. Really? You're not a Jackson Pollock fan? Nope. saying it i'm not saying i'm a fan of his i'm just saying he was a painter before he started splattering shit well i watched that that movie

the ed harris i never watched movie and i was like okay well there's nothing exceptional here going on like this guy's throwing paint around and i'm watching a movie about a guy throwing paint around and he's got some trials and tribulations i yeah i I get it, but I'm not I mean, it's not the worst looking art It's kind of cool to have like in the lobby of a hotel or something It's kind of I'm not a fan of it personally like couldn't you buy like if you bought a Jackson Pollock? You're spending hundreds of thousands of dollars. I think probably millions millions That would be millions millions millions for I know if I know the artists name it has to be worth millions of dollars Okay, here we go. Yeah, here. We go. Fuck you

How about fuck you for every one of these yeah? Like if you have to pay a million dollars for everyone click click on that one where your cursor is right there, Jamie Fuck you. This is chaos. You could go to the Jackson Pollock house It's out in East Hampton and my nephews went the Jackson Pollock house the house he painted It's like it's like a museum now but for little kids you can paint the Jackson Pollock and My nephew and my nephew did one and it looks exactly like probably better and he was five and he did it Went to my old agents house my old agent had this beautiful house in Aspen and he had this thing on his wall and

I go is this something your kid did? And someone goes, no, that's a blah, blah, blah, blah. I go, what are you talking about? And they're like, do you know anything about modern art? I go, no. And I go, what is this? And the guy explained it to me that that was probably like a $35,000 painting. I go, get the fuck out of here. I mean, it was literally like 12 by 14. It looked like a little kid's first grade class project. So I thought like, Oh, this is cute. He puts up his 12 by 14. It looked like a little kid's first grade class project. So I thought, like, oh, this is cute. He puts up his kid's artwork. In a nice frame, yeah. Yeah, it was

like some tissue paper that was glued to some other paper and some paint splattered on it. Yeah. Modern art. Go back to that. Let's look more of that. Just fascinating to me. And people get so upset if you don't like what they like. Like, I've

talked about Jackson Pollock before, and you get these Jackson Pollock fans and believers, and they're like, you don't understand the layers of paint and the way his vision was manifested onto the canvas. That sounds like the aliens from Galaxy Quest. That's actually

kind of cool. I'll give them 500 bucks for that. Yeah, I mean, again, I'm not a fan of it, but I try as hard as I can with stuff, especially now, to go. You know what that looks like? People like what they like. I don't know. When a dude goes to the hospital and they find that he has intestinal worms and they pull them all out onto the operating table, that's what it looks like. Those are like white intestinal worms. That is actually a cool painting.

Now I'm trying to change my opinion here. Because that one is actually kind of cool. What about that one up above it? The green one? What is that one? To the right. To the right. No, right above it.

Yeah. That looks like a painting. Yeah. What is that? That's a Jackson Pollock too? I'd be pissed. People are like, what is that? It's a Pollock.

No, it's not. It's not even splattery. No, no, no. It is. But that one looks like he was splatting something. Yeah. Yeah. That was like... That one I like. He was on different pills. He looked like a little alien. Look at him. Weird looking guy. He's a weird looking guy too.

I bet he... She-wolf. That's the one I like. It's called she-wolf? That's what it's called? Is that a wolf? I guess there's teeth and a tongue down the lower left-hand corner. I bet he banged a lot of confused older ladies with money. You think older? Yeah. I feel like Yeah probably

Yeah But I think younger too Younger too? I think there was like a lot of 50 year old hot ladies That would buy his paintings And he would fuck them in the butt That's what I think happens Yeah

He may have done some 50 year old butt fucking Yeah I mean I don't know that much Was that in the movie? I didn't watch the movie No But Ed Harris was like I'm not going to do any of the butt fucking

He was like Look at that. $140 million. I told you. The intestinal worms one. $140 million. How much did She-Wolf go for? He made that in 1948.

Wow. Holy shit. It doesn't say. Wow. What year is that, She-Wolf? 43. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

That is really interesting, though, because back then you know like this You're talking about a completely different time. This is World War two Yeah, that's worth to think about like dudes are like jumping out of planes in Germany And he's like splatting paint in the Hamptons. You know making cash Yeah, and banging war widows, you know No, he's banging divorcees of heads of industry Yeah, no like the the amount of money that you would have to have to spend a hundred and forty million dollars on some Splattery paint. Yeah, you have to be have Netflix money. Yeah

Yeah, you know making a billion a month the Netflix executive the head guy is probably putting one up right now in his house executive the head guy is probably putting one up right now in his house and Brentwood you think he's putting it up for his painting hanger is putting it up got painting hangers for sure yeah yeah definitely he's probably got white maids now that's money that's real money you must you must get a lot of you must you say things I feel like why I like you so much is you are not a partisan person you do the thing I try to do with politics and everyone thinks because of The Daily Show I'm very left I get accused of being alt-right lately yeah but it's like but it's like it's just having an opinion it's like so I

always try to have an opinion per issue almost you know and I really got confused when this country went to a place where you have to be all in on either side. I feel like most people aren't. You know, like some people are pro, you know, choice and also okay with guns. Well, it's just the people that are pro one way or the other way are very loud. They're the loudest. There's a lot of us that are just scattered across the board. Yeah, just like, I don't know, like there's some things that are reasonable and some things that aren't reasonable.

But you are one of those people who sort of I? Find this on the road a lot now like if I'm making fun of We're in like in my hour And I've really tried to structure my hour that I I hit everybody and like it's like it's like hit both sides and then like some dick jokes, you know what I mean like wrap up and dick jokes and But when I hit the left people on the right and then the minute I'm like alright now Let's talk about you guys. Arms full. But within 12 seconds.

Oh, yeah. Within 12 seconds of love this guy, love this guy, love this guy, hate this guy. And it's the same thing that's happened with, like I said, Fox News. It's like they've said something I disagree with. I can no longer watch that person. And it's a weird time to be doing comedy for that reason. It's a great time to be doing comedy. There's so much chaos because you can point all that nonsense out.

Yeah. I think it's the best time ever. Like, I'm going to San Antonio in two weeks, and I'm like, it's going to be fun, but there's definitely, like, a chunk of my acting, I'm like, there's going to be dudes in cowboy hats, like, there's a Jew on stage talking about Jesus, like, I don't like it. And I'm going to be like, uh-huh, I got to go out the back door. Your last name. Yeah, because I'm half.

I'm a half-breed. Is the last name Albanese is Italian?'m half i'm a half breed is that is the last name albanese is italian yeah my dad's roman catholic italian so they should be cool with it yeah but i talk about being a jew but your mom was jewish so that you were raised jewish because your religion of the mother right yeah and therefore it was chosen by god yeah that's how it always is yeah it was one of the best people oh he chose us yeah nice yeah he decided we were better yeah it was pretty cool it's pretty my uncle converted and his name is Salvatore DiGiulando, and he converted. To Judaism.

To Judaism. Why did he do that? Married a woman who was Jewish. Married a Jew. Fell in love with a nice Jewish lady. Yeah, and he wanted in. You got to go in. My dad just converted.

My dad converted at 68. To your mom? Yeah, to Judaism. With your mom's religion? Yeah. To your mom? Yeah, to Judaism. With your mom's religion? Yeah. With your mom or with a new lady? No, no, no, no. With my mom.

But he never went in until now? Until now. Wow, he's getting close. He's like, I better hedge my bet. You never know. You never know. Might really be the chosen people. Imagine if I got to the fucking big gates and I'm like,

I didn't have the papers. I was living with one for 50 years. I didn't have the papers. I was living with one for 50 years. I didn't have the papers. The papers wasn't right. That's exactly what that is. I can't believe this. And you know that they do, I don't want to talk about it, but they do like a, they give you a little poke in the penis. They kind of draw

blood from your penis to symbolize these. Jesus fucking Christ. What is going on with people and dicks? Cutting dicks and making dicks bleed and cutting baby dicks. Yeah. Circumcision to me is weird. It feels like the kind of thing you should have a say in. You know?

Like you should get a vote. 100%. You know? And you can't. You can't. They just take this thing that you needed away. Yeah. And they don't even.

Well, not only that, it's being done now for purely aesthetic reasons. And people say something about AIDS. Well, it decreases AIDS. Fuck you, it does. It does not. That's not true. It's absolutely a lie. And that's just some nonsense that people have said to make up for the fact that it's

still this horrific fucking practice. And by the way, there's probably money in it. Believe it or not, there's probably A significant business in cutting baby dicks And so they're probably trying to Protect that significant business And also trying to justify The baby dicks they've cut in the past So if they have three sons and they've cut all the sons' dicks

They're like, well, it's really important to prevent AIDS Let me tell you something If you're going to get AIDS, you're not going to get it from having a dirty foreskin Okay? Okay. We're good? Yeah. Fuck you. No one's getting AIDS from dirty foreskins. I don't know anything about the diseases, but I do know that just as a guy who wears button flies, it would be nice to have one more layer protecting my penis from just smacking

around my jeans. Well, how about wear underwear, you weirdo? Yeah. Well, I do wear underwear, but it doesn't matter. How about MeUndies? Oh. Get some tight ones. You want MeUndies, man?

Yeah. I love them. Pull up tight to your package. Oh, place. I'll take a look. They're made with micro modal I got this fresh I got this pair of boxers from the thing we were doing because there was a scene where my dick gets pulled off and this Show I was there gets pulled off. Yeah, well, it's a ride a robotic penis. I don't want to spoil it but uh, yeah, but the but the I don't know if anyone's gonna see it so it's okay, but uh, but they gave me a pair, you know underwear so I didn't have to wreck my own underwear. And it was the most comfortable underwear I ever wore.

I was like, this is amazing. And then my girlfriend came out to visit me. She sends me a text and she goes, why is there a pair of ladies underwear in your suitcase? And I was like, there is. And it turns out this underwear that I thought was the best underwear is ladies underwear. And I was like, I was about to buy like 50 more pairs of it. Well, who decides they're ladies? I don't know.

I mean, I don't know, but I'm in on it. Like it just felt because- Are they silk? No, they were like this like, I guess they're like leggings material. I don't know. But they just made my penis like float. Like it was like in limbo. Like it was like it was in jello.

It was very nice. And are they designed for a vagina and not for a penis? I don't know. All I know is I wore them and I was like, I got to get more of these. And then she was like, she was like my girlfriend. No, she didn't get mad. First, she just thought I was like cheating on her. Right.

And then she's like, this is the ladies line at Target. You know, I was like, oh, well, there you go. Now I know where to get it. Yeah, exactly. That's what I said. I'm like, cool. Go pick me up six pairs. Yeah.

There's certain things that are like they don't have a gender associated, like tube socks. Yeah. Right? Unless you have like the little pom-pom on the back of the heel. Yeah. That's the only way. You know, like little ankle socks.

For a while, ankle socks were only chicks. Only chicks wore ankle socks. Yeah, you're right. Dudes didn't wear ankle socks in the 80s and 90s. That was a chick thing. They wore those little tiny socks. Yeah. And then, yeah, now it feels weird to wear shorts with socks.

Does it? Yeah. To me, it does. It feels weird. Why? I don't know. I just don't like the way it looks. It just feels very like.

I wear socks that they're not totally ankle socks and people mock my socks. Like these socks. Check these out. See? They go above the ankle. Like, what are you doing? I see an extra inch of sock. But will you wear those with shorts?

Do you know what I'm saying? Of course. I don't give a shit. I'm married. I wear a fanny pack. Yeah, that's true. I'm almost 50. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. Yeah. What's going to happen to me? Nothing. People are going to like me less? Yeah. Because you don't like me less? Good.

I'm trying to cut people out of my life. If you have a problem with me because of my socks, my socks are an inch too high. One last person I have to talk to. Fuck off with your shitty ideas. There's just too many people with just like weird, rigid ideas about what people should and shouldn't do in this life. I mean, and it's, it's constant. You're constantly being told like that.

We don't say that anymore. I'm like, when did that happen? Yeah. You know, I can't keep, that's my biggest problem is I can't keep up. What was the latest one people told you not to say anymore? Well, Eskimo. But that's not true. See, in certain parts of the country and the world, Eskimo is what they prefer.

Okay. See, I believe Inuit is in certain parts of the world they prefer, but Eskimo is what they prefer in other parts of the world. Like, people that say that Eskimo is a slur, that is not always true. You might decide it's true for your area. Steve Rinello was explaining this to me. I believe in Canada, Eskimo is the correct term, but in Alaska

they prefer Inuit. See if that's correct, Jamie. Let's make sure we get that right. But that's just people deciding. That's what I mean. I've never tried to be disrespectful to Inuits or Eskimos. It's just a problem when you decide all of a sudden that something's disrespectful after people have been using it. Like, language is

supposed to always convey intent. That's it. That's all it's supposed to be about. So when you just make these hot-button words, you know, we're not talking about, like, Japs. The Japs. You know, like, that was a derogatory term used in World War II. And people threw it around wildly. And they didn't realize it's pretty offensive. And that

makes sense. Like, oh, okay, I get it. This is a term from World War II that was used, like, gooks. It was an internment camp. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. All those things make sense. But when you get to things that don't, like, there's certain expressions that don't make sense. Like, how the fuck is it still the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People?

I know. Yeah, come on. I talk about that. It's tough to give a donation to that. In Canada, the term Eskimo has largely been supplanted by the term Inuit. While Inuit can accurately be applied to Eskimo peoples in Canada and Greenland, it is not true in Alaska and Siberia. In Alaska, the term Eskimo is commonly used because it includes both Yupik and Inupiaq.

So, okay, in Alaska, Inuit is not accepted as a collective term and is not used, especially in the Inupiaq. So, okay. So, in Canada, you're supposed to use the term Inuit. In Alaska, you can still use the term Eskimo. And they want you to use it because it does not refer to a certain type of native person that lives up there. Those are the real natives, man. I mean, if you really think about it, those are the people that not only did they cross the Bering Strait,

but they fucking stayed in the cold spot. Yeah. They got there and they're like, yeah, this is good. What's interesting is- How do you not keep traveling? Those people don't have any access to vegetables, and yet they lived almost entirely free of cancer until we started importing cigarettes and booze up there.

That I did not know. Yeah. They had incredibly entirely free of cancer until we started importing cigarettes and booze up there. That I did not know. Yeah, they had incredibly low instances of cancer. And what they're basically living off is fat. They're living off seal fat. And they would take seals and they would take frozen fish and they would dip frozen fish in hot seal oil and eat the frozen fish. So they take a frozen fish and they would slice almost like carpaccio thin pieces of this frozen fish And then dip it in seal oil and that's how they to this day. That's how they Well, it's not a fondue. It's like a you know like a I don't know like a shabu-shabu

What's a shabu-shabu? It's like a Japanese thing where you take meat and dip it in Thinly sliced meat dip it in hot oil. Oh, okay. Something like that. Something along those lines. But somehow or another, that diet is really good for you, which is really strange. Like, I would think you'd have to have some fucking vegetables in your life. Yeah, but it can't be good for your heart if you're eating a lot of seal fat.

So that's where you're wrong. See, that's a common misconception. And it's one of the things we've addressed ad nauseum on the show, unfortunately, but I'll give you the short version of fats versus carbohydrates. In the 1950s, the sugar industry paid scientists to write about saturated fat and to blame saturated fat for heart disease and heart attacks. It's not the case at all. It's a lie. And it was all created by the sugar industry to take the blame away from sugar. lie. And it was all created by the sugar industry to take the blame away from sugar, sugar, processed sugar in simple carbohydrates, like breads and pastas and all those things. Those things are

terrible for you. And that's where you get your fat. That's where you get fat bodies. That's where people develop like hardening of the arteries and fucking clog this and that, along with genetics and a lot of other things. But where saturated fats become dangerous is when you mix saturated fats with sugars. Saturated fats and sugars together somehow or another accentuate, like, you know, like fried foods and sugary food. Like sugary drinks and fried chicken and deep fried fatty things. That's where things get really dangerous, apparently. And this is like a recent study that connected saturated fat mixed with simple sugars and processed sugars as being especially dangerous. But on their own, saturated fats are the precursors for hormones.

And in fact, a diet high in saturated fats and cholesterol actually raises your hormone levels and it's healthier for your body. Not only that, saturated fat and dietary cholesterol in particular, food you eat, cholesterol from food, doesn't raise your blood cholesterol at all. It barely moves the needle on blood lipids. It's all super confusing because we grew up with this idea that when you eat cholesterol, you get high cholesterol. It's not the case.

When you eat cholesterol, you get high cholesterol. It's not the case. In fact, there's a lot of evidence that where you're really getting this bad extra fat in your body is from processed sugars. Yeah, because your body can't get rid of it. Well, your body's not – you're not supposed to ever be able to take a spoonful of sugar and shove it in your mouth. It doesn't exist in nature. I blame Mary Poppins. I do. That dirty bitch.

That bitch. That takes a spoonful of sugar, medicine, go down. Yeah, that's great. I don't know that much about nutrition. I know, but it's a natural thing to say.

Mexican food. Well, that's a good move. I'll take you to, we got some time. There's a legit, Jamie, I gotta take you to this place right down the street.

The most legit Mexican place you'll ever find. They're playing Mexican TV with soccer. Really? They have tongue and cabeza. They have head tacos. Shit.

Dude, I'm telling you, this place is the bomb. I had a tongue quesadilla, lengua quesadilla. It was fucking fantastic. Really? I don't know if I'd eat a tongue quesadilla. So everyone's speaking Spanish. They barely understand you when you're ordering. If you try to order in English, god damn, it's good, though.

It's legit as fuck. This little strip mall area. Don't don't give the address I don't want Trump to yeah, I know man. There's not a legal person that joint I went there with my family the other day, and I was like baby. They're in a legal person Have your license at the ready bring a passport when you go I really do think food is like the key to making people like each other I really do if food is the key to making people like each other. I really do. If that's the case, why are people kicking out Mexicans? Well, that's what I'm saying.

I keep wanting to send, like, West Coast. I was in Arizona doing shows. Mexican food down there, they were so good. Insane. And I wanted to just send a little quesadilla triangle to Trump with a note. You know, like, are you sure? You know, like, take a nibble, dude. Well, he's got taco bowls.

You ever see that picture that he took? Yes. bowl I love Hispanics. I was like what the hell weird. Yeah, no, but I feel that's how I feel about that's why I think New York We've got so many different cultures there in so many different foods that like you like always eating Yeah, I don't know. I don't get rid of those people. They're the best. Those are the best falafels in town. I know, right? There's certain spots where you can go. There's the best trucks. And it's authentic. It's like you said. Anytime you go into a place that has that race of people in it eating there, I'm like, oh, I've chosen wisely.

This must be good Indian food. Everyone in here is Indian. Oh, there's an Indian place that I go to as well that is in an Indian supermarket. It's an Indian supermarket that has all these bizarre smells. go in there's a weird curry smells and shit and in the back They have like a cafeteria and everything was in Indian like I didn't know what the fuck they had So the lady was very patient with me and talked me through all this stuff Everything's vegetarian and everything is all in Indian and I'm fucking Fantastic spicy and everybody came in in like full Indian garb.

Like you would think you were in India. You know, it was really weird. They were all dressed like they lived in India. Just me. Did they break out in one of those like big musical numbers? No, but they had the music playing. They did? They did have Indian, like legit Indian music playing.

That's awesome. You can find these little spots where you can get like real authentic food from people that, you know, came from there and say, look, this is what we miss. So we're going to set up shop here and just make it a little India. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. That's why I like living in a city.

Oh, there's some good spots in LA too. There's a great little, you ever been to little Vietnam? There's a little, a little Vietnamese area that has some fucking awesome little Vietnamese restaurants. I always find it fascinating how people pool up in groups. You know? Yep. They get together and then they all sort of buy property

or rent property in this one area. But is it zoned? I never, like, to me, like, Chinatown in New York always felt like zoned. I don't think it is. I think it happened organically. They were like, put all the Chinese people over here. Well, how little Italy?

Yeah, same thing. Did that happen to you? I always assumed so. I mean, I guess I could read about it. And the Upper East Side is like Waspville you know, cause. Well, how little Italy? Yeah. Same thing. I'm saying I, I, I always assumed so. I mean, I, I guess I could read about it. And the upper East side is like Waspville. No. Yeah. They're like, put some Jews uptown.

Um, but, uh, yeah, I mean, I, I think that, you know, it's always, it's always a weird thing to me to like put that cities have that. It was, it still feels weird. It feels antiquated, but at the same time, like Chinatown in New York, it's fantastic. Yeah. Like you go down there, there's great restaurants. There's little alleyways you can track it down. You can get different kinds.

The only food resources you could get in China, like you said, soup markets that have... You've never seen anything in the store before because you're not from China. A bucket of dried fish eggs. You're like, what the fuck is this for? Barrels. They have big barrels of things, and you're like, what is that guy scooping out of that barrel? And why is it moving? You know what I like?

I like those restaurants where they reluctantly write the name below the Chinese name. They reluctantly write something in English. Half Moon Villa. And then above it is these big ass Chinese letters. We're not going for spelling. We have to write here. You know, there's places where you have to, like in Quebec. In Quebec, you have to write in French.

Like, they have laws where you have to write things in French. Gotcha. You can't just do it. You can't go English only. I don't think you can. I don't think it's allowed. I think Quebec is, they're very, they're clinging strong to their French heritage, which I completely understand. Because they, I mean, they have a long history of French-speaking people living in Quebec.

Yeah. You know, it's a really unusual part of Canada. And a lot of people don't understand. You think of Canadians like, you take off, eh? Hello. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this about? You know, that's not Montreal.

Montreal is very much like a European city. It's really interesting in that regard. Yeah. Canada, yeah, yeah. What is this about? You know, that's not Montreal. Montreal is very much like a European city. It's really interesting in that regard. Yeah. Canada, Canada is like, I like Canada. I've never had a bad experience in Canada doing shows or I feel like the people up there are, uh, there, I, you know, it feels like it's like, um, you know, I don't want to, and this isn't diminishing Canada, but there's like a component of like, it's like America, but like people just seem like friendlier.

Like I think about that with Chicago. Like I just did gigs in Chicago and it's like, Chicago of it. It's like America, but like people just seem like friendlier. Like I think about that with Chicago. Like I just did gigs in Chicago and it's like Chicago is like New York. It's like this big, dirty, smelly city. But everyone there is just nice because they're from the Midwest. Yeah. Like they're just nicer people. Yeah. I agree.

I agree. It's interesting. Like they're friendly and they say hi to you. We went over this on a recent podcast that Canada has so few people. There's actually 36 million people in Canada, so few people there's actually um 36 million people in Canada 39 million people in California Jesus Christ the entire country of Canada has less people than just this state well Australia has uh what like 25 million people and it's as big as the continental United States yeah but a lot of it's uninhabitable though yeah well it's

dangerous as fuck my friend go to Adam Green Adam Greentree's, my friend Adam Greentree on Instagram, adam.greentreebowhunting, I think it is. A fucking snake. Australia's so dangerous. He lives in Australia. Everything there is going to kill you. He's always trying to get me to go there. A fucking snake literally ate a snake its own size.

And he had it? And couldn't swallow it and died because of this. So look, this is a snake crawling out of a snake its own size you see that snake's mouth shit yeah so a fucking snake ate a snake its own size and he filmed the one snake that tried to eat it dying and then the other one wiggles out of its fucking body whoa like what in the hell man i mean that is the craziest shit i've ever seen in my life you want to talk about a hardscrabble world when he first put it up I thought oh is that a skin is it like shedding its skin?

Nope, that's a full-ass fucking snake that ate another snake that is essentially the same size as it. That's insane Is someone pulling it out or how? I don't know. I think it's I think it's just coming out Yeah, it died trying to eat it. Is the other one dead, though? No, the other one's pulling. I can't tell if someone's pulling it out. I don't think it is. It might be. That's crazy. Yeah, it's insane. Have you never been to Australia?

Oh, there it is. There's another picture of it. See, there it is right there. That's bananas. The stuff of nightmares. I killed a snake in the yard gate this morning, and as it died, a snake came out of its mouth. Let me repeat. A snake came out its mouth. Holy shit.

Have you never been to Australia? Oh, yeah. I've been a few times. Yeah, I love it. I love it there. Australia's awesome. It really is. All the deadliest stuff in the world is there.

Oh, yeah. There's shells on the beach. They're like, eh, don't pick up those shells, eh. You know, like there's always something that will- It'll kill ya, mate. Yeah, a little thing will come out there and kill ya. If that sand gets underneath your skin, it'll kill ya, mate. It did, mate.

Yeah, if that's all it is, alright then. You did. You know, like, oh, you did. Like, it's crazy. Well, they have just schools of these jellyfish that'll'll just murder you instantly. Yeah touching you you're dead It's crazy or they'll like in the you know in the springtime people open up their barbecues or whatever There's always like black widow spiders and shit in them and like, you know spiders that can kill you here's another one There's a video look up a spider killing a brown snake.

Oh, I saw this. This is crazy. There's an evil snake. The brown snake in Australia, again, bites you, you're dead. You're dead as fuck. I saw this video. It's insane. And then this spider kills the fucking snake. Like an evil spider killed an evil snake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what is going on in that part of the world? And what's really fascinating about that part of the world is they didn't really have animals there,

other than, like, kangaroos and some fucking wallabies and shit. There's a lot of the animals that they have there were imported. Well, they're also one of those countries that did that thing where they were being overrun by a certain plant, and then they put, like, rabbits out there to eat the plant, and then the rabbits went rampant. Well, then they brought foxes. Yeah, foxes to get the rabbits. And the foxes fucked them up and they bring cats feral cats like they're they they try to fix shit you know and they made a disaster like did you hear about the uh that thing on the galapagos islands with the goats oh yeah the judas goats

and all that stuff it's crazy yeah yeah yeah it's the same kind of thing exactly you try to like manipulate the environment the environment there it is, fuck you. There it is. So this evil fucking spider is closing in on this evil snake. And that's, how crazy are spider webs? It's caught. You can't even see the web, and it's so strong that it's containing this snake. I mean. And he's got him by the head, too.

Like, he knows how to contain it. Oh, yeah. He's moving in on him. He's like, closer, closer. Oh, I'm going to eat you. Closer, closer. I can't show this video on YouTube, by the way. Oh, yeah. He's moving in on them. He's like, closer, closer. Oh, I'm going to eat you. Closer, closer. I can't show this video on YouTube, by the way. Oh, okay.

Don't worry. Yeah. All our nature videos, every time we try to show a nature video, we get yanked off YouTube. But for people who want to watch it. Because people have rights. They own it. You know, they own the video, and they want all the hits, and I get it. So what is the name of the video so people can...

This one actually got... One version I tried to find got taken down off YouTube. It said for breaking YouTube guidelines for graphic content. What? What does it say? Redback spider attacks. Say that again. Yeah, redback spider attacks and kills brown snake.

I just typed in spider kills brown snake. I had that happen to me with my, you know, nightly show gets canceled. I'll, like, quickly cut my reel of my best of stuff. I put it on YouTube. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Maybe it'll live there. People will see it. An hour later, Viacom has plugged.

I was like, you guys are such assholes. They just canceled the show. I can't even have it on YouTube. I have to put it on Vimeo and then through my website. Like, it's funny how quick they are, though. Couldn't you contact Viacom since you were an employee and get permission? I don't know. You've got to go through proper channels.

That just seemed like a lot of work. I get it, though, because this is the Wild Wild West. I mean, we have a lot of websites that are taking our clips from this podcast, and they put it up, and then they put advertisers on it, and then they make money off of it. And then they're making money off of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really weird right now because they're trying to figure out what's legal and what's not legal to do.

There's entire channels that are just dedicated to this podcast and then they take clips from this podcast and they make money off of it. It's real sketchy. And then there's websites that now are popping up that have taken clips off the podcast. They put them on their website and then they have pop-up ads and Google ads all over their website. So the only content that they have is content that I've created, but yet they're making money off of it. So I get these people.

But to me it's like, well, you canceled the show, so obviously you're not making money on it. But they are. They're going to sell it somewhere. They'll definitely sell it somewhere. What, the nightly show? Yeah. Well, there's nothing to sell because we're not making it anymore. Whatever episodes they have, they'll sell those episodes. You think so? 100%. And plus plus if anybody

wants to use them in something if you want to use one of those clips they'll have it it's intellectual property i get it i mean how much they spell like here's the other thing if you do a show for a year and a half and it gets canceled they lost a fuckload of money they sure did 100 so they're like look we're gonna figure out a way to stop this bleeding and then to just try to patch up something there's no way around it. This announcement just happened. It's going on actually right now. YouTube's going to be putting TV shows on YouTube.

There's going to make some sort of deal where you're going to be paying less than you pay for, I don't know, DirecTV or Hulu. You're going to be able to get TV shows just like you're getting now on other services directly on YouTube. Is that RedTube though? No, no. It's going to be a cheaper version than YouTube Red because YouTube Red's about $9.99 a month,

like the same price as Netflix. Okay, so you're saying like current television shows that are out now? I don't have a lot of data because this is literally happening right now. That's inevitable. That's inevitable. That makes sense.

Yeah, Jimmy Kimmel and Colbert will be able to be on it and stuff like that, something like that. Wow, that's death knoll. This is the fucking death bell. Might be happening right now. This is the death bell to the networks right there. Clang. This is going to be historic.

This kind of shit, because there's going to be no reason to have television now. If once this happens, there will literally be no reason to have television. If this becomes universal... Agreed. Yeah. Except for sporting events. Like, you want to watch the basketball game events. Yeah. Like you want to watch the basketball game

starts at 7. You got to watch it there. Like TV might become the live sports network. Yeah. I mean that's really all you need. And news.

Maybe news. I mean it's very similar to the model of what you're doing with a podcast. It's like you drop the podcast and then people listen to it when they want to listen to it. Look at this.

YouTube reveals viewers watch a billion hours of video a day as Firm prepares to unveil its unplugged TV service. Wow. Well, once they make a deal with networks like that, man, fucking A. But that's really interesting for all those people like the Pootie Pies and the Philip DeFrancos and all these people that have shows on YouTube, it's going to blow them up even bigger because they're essentially now on a network because the network is just as well-connected as Jimmy Kimmel is now. Right, so in other words, you're watching Colbert on YouTube, and then the next thing that comes up is this.

It's a Rory Albanese show. You're fucking sitting there smoking weed in your underwear, your girl's underwear. My lady's boxes. Yeah, your wife's yelling at you in the background, Get off the TV. I'm working. I'm on TV. This is my show. You're wearing women's yelling at you in the background. Get off the TV. I'm working. I'm on TV.

This is my show. You're wearing women's underwear. This is my show. Shut up. This is my life. This is how I live. I'm taking it back. Yeah, they've got to fix that weed problem in New York.

How is New York still not have legal weed? I don't know. It's crazy. What is going on? I know. I know. But man, that's one thing I've got to say about Denver. Because you don't even need... You don't need it here anymore. You don't need a... It's recreational. What is going on? Oh, and but man that's one thing I gotta say about Denver because it's not you don't even need

You don't need it here anymore. You don't need a you could just get recreational here now fully legal Really you could just walk in Dude, we have a photo. I have a photo that I have to put up on the wall of the moment that we found out Bert Kreischer we were doing a podcast during the I had no idea we did an end of the world podcast It was me Bill Bill Burr, Doug Stanhope, Burt Kreischer, a bunch of people. And we were on stage in the comedy store the moment that weed passed. Recreational weed passed in California. And Burt Kreischer takes his shirt off and he's swinging his shirt in front of the crowd.

And the whole crowd's got their arms up in the air and they're going crazy. I had no idea. I'm going to crush that. That actually wasn't the exact moment. That was an exciting moment of the show. When that actual moment happened, I was sitting next to Bert, and he didn't have his shirt off yet. I have a photo of that moment when everyone's like that. Yeah, someone told me that, but I was going to ignore that.

Yeah, I have a photo of it. It's okay. I mean, it was pretty close. It happened right afterwards. Damn it. Jesus. Crusher of dreams. Fucking Spock over there.

Crusher of dreams. That is the fact. But that makes it even funnier. I really didn't know that. I thought you still needed your card. No. That's good to know. You can totally get it.

I don't think you can't smoke in public. You can't just be smoking. But is it like Denver? You walk in, they can buy edibles. Because that experience I had in Denver was unreal. Insane. They're called Bud Tenders. Isn't that hilarious?

It's so funny. Jamie, tell about that place that you went to yesterday. It's like the Genius Bar. Yeah, there's a place. It's actually on Santa Monica, Crescent Heights. Most of the stores here, and even in Denver, you can't see anything. You can't see inside from the street.

This is big glass windows. You can look right inside, and it's like an Apple store. Tables with iPads on them with all the different strains on it. A little jar to look inside. You can smell it, and you walk up to the thing, and they bring it out from the back, like your eighths or your quarters. Do you remember the name of this joint? It's called Med Men, I believe is what it was called. Med Men? Med Men. it and you walk up to the thing and they'd like bring it out from the back like your eighths or your quarters. Do you remember the name of this joint?

It's called Med Men, I believe is what it was called. Med Med? Med Men. Like Mad Men. Oh, Med Men. That's funny. Something like that. That's funny.

It was a cool store. Yeah. The way they have it set up in Denver is like you get in a little line and then they're like, next please. And then you go up to the lady and she's like, hi, what are you looking to do? You're like, I don't know, I guess get high. And then she just helps you through your journey. I got my first medical marijuana card.

I think it was in like 2000 or something like that. I forget what year it was, but I used to go to a place called the Englewood Wellness Center. It was the only place where you could get legal weed that I knew about because of my connections. I would go down to Englewood, the hood, D-A-H-O-O-D, Da Hood. And I was going there for a while until one of the guys that was working there got shot. Aye.

They got robbed and he got shot in the stomach while I was a patron there. I wasn't there the day that it happened, but it was the place that I was going. I was like, okay, looks like I'm getting my weed in a different spot now. Yeah, that's a good call. Fuck, man. Because they weren't allowed to buy things with credit cards. So you would go there and you would have to use cash. And I guess they had a bunch of cash on hand and people were getting shot.

I don't know actually if they were allowed to use credit cards back then. But now you can. I mean, now it's essentially like full out. But in Denver, they're having real issues still because they won't let them deposit money the same way like uh you you have to get cash for a lot of the places we're only allowing them to get cash and then you have to bring this cash to like safe deposit boxes and stuff and it was like it was like real sketchy right they were hiring mercs they were hiring mercenaries to carry the cash around so they have these you know former

Maybe maybe seals and shit carrying fucking m16s walking around with bags of cash I'm worried about being robbed and people did get robbed. That's crazy. No sketchy stuff I mean my experience there was like because I Edibles were something I never really liked I did him once when I was like in college like the end of college And I was in Amsterdam and I ate because space cake you know and it was great i had a great time and then the next day we were leaving i was with my friends and we were getting on a train at brussels and i and i ate two space cakes because i was like yesterday's space cake didn't really man dude i was on a train for like four hours in a tunnel like ah i was like give me all this train dude and i And I vividly remembered, I was like, I will never do this again.

Yeah. But now they're like, it's like portioned out. You know, like when you go to Denver, she's like, one gummy bear? Try it. Like, it's 10 milligrams of marijuana? Try half. I think they have a rule now. They sell them to you in these, and when I was in Denver, I bought these tubes, and the

tube had 10 gummy bears in it. 10 gummies in them, yeah. And each one was 10 milligrams. Yep. And so if you eat the whole one, you go to space. Yeah. tubes and the tube had 10 gummy bears in them yeah and each one was 10 milligrams yep and so if you eat the whole one you go to space yeah you eat the whole tube you go to space or you can do it like one gummy at a time yeah actually weren't gum they were gum drops they weren't bears yeah but that's what yeah that's exactly what that night i was out with you and chapelle i had a

pocket full of those yeah i gave you one of those on those tubes that we i had a bunch of them sitting back there i'm like i'm not gonna take these with me yeah and i and i also had uh the little caramels, too. Those things are good. You just got to get them from a reliable source. Yeah. You get them from a reliable source, and they're consistent, then you're okay. But you take some big chances when you take an edible from somebody.

No kidding. I never do it. I won't do it. People are like, oh, I made brownies. I'm like, good luck, dude. Fuck you. Good luck. Especially somebody who makes them themselves. Oh my god, it's so shady. Fuck you. Anytime anyone makes something themselves for some, my God. It's so shady. Fuck you. Anytime anyone makes something themselves for some reason, I'm always like, hmm. Yeah. Unless I was there.

What's your kitchen look like? Yeah. You know? I went to a Chinese restaurant kitchen the other day. It was a really good restaurant. I'm like, where's your bathroom? They go in the back, and I walked through this hallway and past the kitchen. I was like, whoop, not eating here again.

Ever. Jesus Christ. Well, that happens a lot at comedy clubs, right? You go through the kitchen to get to the green room, and then they're like, what do you want for food? You're like, anything deep fried. Yeah. Anything that's been murdered.

So what's going on in there, dude? All the fucking bugs that possibly could be on it just torched away by boiling oil. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, and then you're just eating shit. When you go on the road, do you bring food? Like, do you bring your healthy shit with you? Well, if the hotel room has one of them little mini refrigerators, I'll go to a Whole Foods.

And I'll get, like, kombucha and healthy food and snacks and stuff like that. But I'm pretty strict with my diet. I just don't eat too much shit. I do what I call an 80-20 diet. I give myself 80% healthy food, and 20% of the time I'll fuck off. So I'll fuck off, like, one day a week. But anything you want. Yeah, I'll eat cheeseburgers time I'll fuck off. So I'll fuck off like one day a week. But anything you want. Yeah, I'll eat cheeseburgers.

I'll eat fries. I'll eat a milkshake. But it's only like one day a week. It's just not worth it. I've done it too many times where I've eaten bad on the road, and then by the time Sunday rolls around, you're like, oh. The road's tough, though. It's hard because you have to like.

Do you bring vitamins? Yeah. You do? No idea. That's good. Yeah, no idea. I bring hard because you have to like. Do you bring vitamins? Yeah. You do? No, I do. Yeah, no, I do. I bring vitamins. I bring probiotics.

My company on it has this thing called Total Gut Health. So I bring these packets of probiotics. I think that's super important. And it's all live stuff that exists off the substrate that's in the capsule so that you can actually get real live probiotics. And then I eat probiotics, too. All that stuff is really important if you want to maintain your immune system. Yeah. Yeah. So that stuff and then just. That's what I've been struggling too. All that stuff is really important if you want to maintain your immune system. Yeah. Yeah.

So that stuff and then just- That's what I've been struggling with. Salads. I get, like right now, like I'm not sick, but like I always have like, I'm always fighting off like a sore throat or, you know, because I'm on planes all the time. Do you work out on the road? Not really. That's the thing too, man.

You got to force yourself. Something about being on the road, it's like I'm just laying in bed eating sandwiches. Like that's what I do. Don't you feel like a little drained from the flight itself? Yeah. It's like, oh, you're so ragged. You just feel gross. Yeah.

And then it's like, by the way, that's the other thing, too, with America right now. I never have posted a picture of food in my entire life. I posted a photo of a Jimmy John's sandwich when I was in Chicago, just because we don't have Jimmy John's in New York. So I was like, oh, great. Jimmy John's. I love Jimmy. People were like, you can't eat Jimmy Johns.

He's a da-da-da. He's a this. The guy, Jimmy Johns, he's a hunter. He's a da-da-da. I'm like. Jimmy Johns a bad guy? Apparently. What did Jimmy John do?

I guess. I don't know. Let's find out. He goes and hunts like big game. He's a big game hunter. Oh, like elephants and shit? Yeah. That kind of stuff?

Let's pull it up. Let's find out what he's doing. And he, and he, and then people were going, and then somebody goes, and he's a Republican. I go, look, I'll send, the big game hunting thing I'll give you. But if I can't eat food made by a Republican. Good luck finding a good steak. What are you talking about? Yeah.

What do you think those ranchers are? But I love that people think that that's evil, being a Republican. It's like, what? It's crazy. Ron Paul wasn't evil. There's a lot of people that are Republicans that would fit into a lot. It's like, what? It's crazy. Ron Paul wasn't evil. There's a lot of people that are Republicans that would fit into a lot of people's ideas of what would be a reasonable politician.

It's just, we think of Republican, we think of the rightest of the right wing, the hardest of the hard sell. I mean, to me, the biggest issue is the environment. That's huge. Environment and people having rights. That's my biggest fear about right now is gay people. I'm worried that they're not going to be able to get married.

You're worried gay people aren't going to be able to get married? Pull up to that microphone a little bit closer. I'm worried that could go away. Really? You think that could happen? I think gay people would be psyched. They're like, good, I have to pay that bitch. I'm tired of paying him.

I just feel like rights to me are the one thing that you can't fuck with. That's one right. I wish they'd make straight marriage illegal Jimmy John's gourmet sandwiches Whoa he kills leopards Okay well the ram on the upper left hand corner Got no problem with that because you eat rams And they're delicious They're sheep and also you spend a lot of money to hunt one of those things

And that money directly goes to Conservation The bear, that's a grizzly bear. It's a brown bear. You don't eat those. But you do have to kill some of those. There is an issue in North America where they have too many grizzly bears in certain areas, like in Alaska, you actually have to kill a certain amount of them in order to keep

the moose population stable because the bears eat all the moose calves. But are you assuming that that's the place he's doing it? That's a brown bear. No, that's definitely a brown bear, and that looks like Alaska. I'm assuming that's what that is. Well, most places that you kill brown bears, if it is legal, if he's killing that bear legally, which I assume it is because he's taking a photo of it, you have to have, I mean, you spend so much money to kill those things,

and that money directly goes to conservation. It's a real catch-22, because the only reason why those things are alive and exist in high populations and aren't decimated and then their wildlife habitat is protected, especially protecting habitat and wetlands for birds, for migrating birds, all that stuff comes from conservation money, which all comes from hunting. Hunting is absolutely the number one biggest source of conservation for wildlife in the United States of America. By far. No debate about it. But then you see him in the upper right-hand corner.

He's got a leopard. Okay. That's real tough to defend. Because he's not eating that fucking leopard. And you're shooting that leopard. You're just shooting it for a trophy. Yeah. I mean, it's just so fucked up to me that anybody would do that.

Yeah. Okay. But the deer in the middle, bottom, zero problem with that. Yeah, that's buck hunting. That's food. Not only that, 2 million car accidents in the United States every year. Excuse me, 1.5 million car accidents in the United States every year from people hitting deer. And 200 people die because of accidents involving people hitting deer with cars.

And unless you want to bring in wolves and mountain lions and overpopulate the suburbs with them, you're going to have a problem with deer populations unless you have hunters. That's just a fact. And in places like the Hamptons, they're actually hiring snipers to go out and shoot them. He killed a fucking rhino. That's so fucked up. He killed an elephant. Look at him with a double thumbs up with an elephant.

Oof. Yeah, so I found out about that and now I can't have sandwiches anymore, you know? Yeah. Oh, he killed a fucking giraffe. Yeah sandwiches anymore you know yeah oh we killed a fucking giraffe yeah he just kills everything he killed a rhino is that a lion yep jesus christ yeah it's all real sketchy stuff man it's real sketchy stuff because in africa what's there's a great um documentary that louis theroux did about African hunting farms, these wildlife sanctuaries that they have in Africa where they just hunt on them,

these big high-fence operations. Africa was on the verge, these animals were on the verge of extinction just a few decades ago, and now they're thriving in unheard-of populations. But it's only because people are paying to go over there and hunt them, so they protect these animals. And then what's even more fucked up, they use the term poacher all the time. You know, these people are poaching. Most of the time you think of poaching,

you think, well, poachers are bad because poachers are the people that are killing elephants for their ivory. They're killing rhinos for their horns. But a lot of what poaching is, is poor people that are just trying to eat. Right. And you know what they do to those poachers?

They fucking murder them, man. They shoot them on sight. So if someone's killing like, you know, a black buck or something like that, one of the game animals that they have that they eat, they're shooting at these people. They're shooting at them and killing them left and right. That's crazy. They're leaving their bodies for the hyenas to eat. Did you see the tiger thing that happened the other day? Yeah.

I didn't even understand that when I was reading about it, that they were like, oh, that's a tiger farm. I'm like, what the hell is a tiger farm? That bummed me out man well people in do you know this this is a fact we'll close on this because this is from my last netflix special but it's true there's more tigers in captivity in texas than there are in all of the wild of the world what yeah more tigers in people's backyards in private collections, in Texas, than the rest of the planet Earth. But just people who own pet tigers. Yep. Texas has no rules.

Texas is a really fucked up place. For people that think that the government shouldn't own land, like there's a lot of people that think the state, federal government shouldn't own land, they should give it to the state. The problem with that is the state will then sell it off. And a good example of that is Texas, of what could happen is Texas has very little public land. Texas is almost all private land. So a lot of the hunting in Texas is all on private ranches. And on these private ranches, you can kind of do whatever the fuck you want. And they bring in all these animals from all over the world. Like there's an animal called a scimitar oryx. And oryx in Africa, I think they're an Asian animal. I forget where they're from.

But wherever they're from, maybe India? Wherever they're from, they're very endangered. Not in Texas. In Texas, there's fucking thousands of them. They're all over the place in these ranches. So you can go and hunt what in its native country you wouldn't hunt because there's small populations of them But in Texas they encourage hunting of them because they have overpopulation that animal right there scimitar horned oryx Wow, so you can go to these places in Texas and you can fucking shoot those

Yeah, that's where I'm in there delicious. That's where what's his name died? Justice of Supreme Court what doesn't he oh yeah, he died, yeah, he died. They think they whacked him. People think they whacked him. Well, he had died with a pillow on his face. Did he? Yeah, but there was a little bit of like... Is that what happened? Yeah, you know in the Naked Gun

when he throws a pillow at him? Yeah. He can't get out of it. I'll tell you what, wasn't he really old? He was like 70. He wasn't that old. And he died with a pillow on his face? He was snoring and his wife just,

you fucking cunt. I think he was alone. Yeah, he probably just had a heart attack. He was kind of fat. And he died with a pillow on his face? He was snoring and his wife just, you fucking cunt. I think he was alone. Yeah, he probably just had a heart attack. He was kind of fat. What was his name? Justice Scalia? Scalia, yeah. Scalia? Yeah, he was kind of a dick, though.

Was he? Well, he was a super right-wing guy, right? Yeah, but not just right-wing. Yeah, look. There it is. There's the pillow. There's the murderer. Scalia dead with a pillow over his head, ranch over. Well, he might have put that pillow over his head because people were talking in the other room when he wanted to be quiet. And then he, yeah. I've put pillow over his head because people were talking in the other room when he wanted to be quiet. And then he, yeah. I've put pillows over my head before people were talking.

We discovered a judge in bed, a pillow over his head. His bedclothes were unwrinkled. Eh, so then he probably just died. Yep. 30,000 acre luxury ranch. El Presidente Suite. Yep. He's 79.

Yeah. 30,000 acres. Fuck, that's huge. Yeah, so these people would go to these ranches and they still do they go to these ranches and you can hunt wild african animals there that's nuts man i had no idea yeah well they're i've never i've never i've never hunted anything no yeah would you be interested in doing it i would be interested if i ate it that's the only thing i'm saying like i have no interest in killing something yeah to to do it but i eat meat so i always feel like well you kind of

when i was in austral, I spent like five days on a sheep station, which is like a big sheep farm. It was amazing. And I was like herding sheep on a motorcycle. Whoa. It was amazing.

That's cool. So while I was there, he slaughtered two sheep and I was like there when he slaughtered them and he like slaughtered them by hand. I like brought them to the thing.

It was like really intense experience. But that's what he does. Like that's how this guy eats. How do they slaughter them? They shoot them in the head or they cut their neck? No, he just cut their neck and then he like hangs them upside down. It was like a really intense thing but that's what he does like that's how this guy eats how do they slaughter them they shoot them in the head or they cut their neck no he just cut their neck and then he like

hangs them upside down it was like a really intense thing to see why don't they just shoot them because if they shoot them they die instantly I don't know why would they cut their

I don't know cut their neck thing seems so cruel yeah it was weird it was me and these like four like Australian dudes like alright yeah

and I was just standing there drinking a beer like yeah totally just cut a cut a sheep's neck man that's how we do it on Long Island. Yeah, East Hampton. Yeah, where I grew up, we didn't cut any necks.

I've thought about doing a show where I take people hunting that I've never hunted, like maybe comics. But I just don't think it's the right way to approach hunting. I just think it's too confusing. It's too dark. it's the right way to approach hunting. I just think it's too confusing. It's too dark. And it's also, uh, it would take, it would make hunting a spectacle to me versus what it is now. Yeah. I mean, I would go like, if I went with you and I went with people who knew what they were doing, but I, you know, I, yeah, I mean, I would do it, I guess. I don't know. My problem is my, also my hunting time is super precious. I don't get that much of it. I don't want to be teaching

anybody. I'm trying to figure it out myself. Of course not. And you go out with guys who are... Experts. Experts, yeah. Rory, I've got to wrap this up. All right. Thanks for having me, man. Please.

My pleasure. Tell people how to get a hold of you, where they can see you, what's your website, what's your Twitter. My website's just my name, RoryAlbanese.com. Spell it out so they're... R-O-R-Y-A-L-B-A-N-E-S-E dot com. I'm doing a bunch of shows coming up. I'm in Webster, New York.

I'm in San Antonio, Texas on the 16th. Webster, New York this weekend. I'm down at Zaney's in Tennessee doing a secret show in Philadelphia on 315. But I'm not supposed to talk about that. Then I got a bunch of dates in May. Just check out my website. My name, Instagram, Rory Albany's Twitter all those things

check him out folks, he's a funny motherfucker let's do this more often thanks brother, appreciate it man my pleasure bye Thank you.