The Joe Rogan Experience - #95 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: April 5, 2011

Joe sits down with Bert Kreischer.

The Joe Rogan Experience Oh my gosh. That black guy voice makes me uncomfortable, dude. I'm going to be honest with you. Because it's not really a black guy voice. It's a white guy talking like a black guy, which is never cool. Which is not even right. It's actually a robot that's been programmed to be a black guy. It's a robot that's white, made by white people.

They don't know how to do a black voice. I liked Keira Knightley better. Keira Knightley was better. That was so hot. There's something about a black guy faking a white voice is really completely acceptable. I do the best black voice. Yeah? Oh, dude. Does it weird you out, though, when you can call somebody on the phone and you know that they're black when you're talking to them?

You're like, how would I describe this to an alien? You know? How would I describe how I know this is a black guy? But I know it's a black guy. I missed that laugh. Oh, that's so funny. That laugh brought to you by Bert Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. Follow Bert on Twitter.

I forgot how much I missed that. B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R, also known as Bert the Conqueror on the Travel Channel, which just started, right? Yep. Last week was our first episode, first week. Powerful. Yeah. And it was a rating success. Great ratings.

And social media success. Social media success was a brand new thing they track on Trend TV or TV Trenders. And my agent sent it to me. He's like, you conquered. And I was like, I did. And he was like, you were number nine,

right behind the Kardashians. Well, right behind the fucking, but it's just me. It's me. I literally, here's my theory about promotion on Twitter. I think you have to promote with a joke.

And that's my rule. If you obsessively like, like, like I told you the other day, Ralphie is just taking Twitter to a brand new level. Thank you, Brian. Joe hasn't seen any of it. I'm like, how have you dodged that bullet?

That's like coming out of Iraq and going, they've been bombing in here? It's like what Ralphie May is up to. Oh, I guarantee you he's tweeted in the last two minutes. I guarantee you. Yeah, I just added him, and already he's been Kevin Smithing me. Yeah.

For people who don't know. Is it Ralphie underscore May? I don't know It's him in that big orange jacket Yeah, Ralphie underscore May It's, whoa, Jesus Christ He's been on Twitter for how long? Like a week?

Literally a week, maybe a week and a half And he had like 15 tweets Or like 20 tweets up until then And I'm sure there's a thousand now I can't tell how many tweets he has Because for some reason 15 tweets or like 20 tweets up until then and I'm sure there's a thousand now. I can't tell how many tweets he has because for some reason my computer has gone back to the old Twitter. You know, I was using the new Twitter. You know, the new

Twitter site. I don't know how to switch it up. It's not at the very top. Is it Ralphie underscore May? Ralphie underscore May. Here, I'll just go into my trend and I'll find him right away. I don't know what happened. Alright, he's got a total of what that can't be right he just started using it 1082 tweets he's only been using it a couple weeks god that's that's true true yeah that's true unless he's got some kind of he's now in ralphie's defense he's not promoting anything

he's simply arguing he hasn't promoting anything. He's simply arguing. He hasn't learned not to argue with people yet. So he's just going back and forth. That's something you really have to learn, too, man. You have to learn that shit. Yeah, I never reply to anyone at all. And I only promote with a joke. So if I'm going to promote the show, I'll do something funny to promote it.

And then I think those get retweeted. I try to be... I'm not always funny. If I find some interesting shit, I just throw up some interesting shit. Anything that I think is fascinating, whether it's funny or not. And if I have to promote something, I promote something. But I always try to treat it as if

I'm always aware of people's attention spans. And anything interesting that I find, I give to Twitter immediately. I give it right back, always. You're a different animal than, say, myself or Brian, who if we promote, then people will just delete us and be like, enough of that shit. Yeah, exactly.

People want to see your shit. They don't want to see our shit. They want to see you. When you're pounding them left and right, we're the guy at the orgy fingering assholes. You're the guy everyone came to fuck. We're the guys just pow. Even grosser, I went to this one guy's Twitter.

I don't want to mention his name because I don't particularly like him. But it was all promoting some special that's coming out. And it was all like him tweeting celebrities using the exact same wording, just having a different celebrity's name, hey, blank, hey, you know, whoever. Kim Kardashian, holla at your boy, my special's coming out, blah, blah, blah. And it was his whole Twitter was that. Is he an official Twitter, like a verified account? Yeah, yeah, he has a verified account.

Wow. That's somebody, I wonder if that's even almost like an assistant that's like, no, you're supposed to use my name. It could be that, or it could be just someone who doesn't know how to use social media and is an annoying cunt. What's his name rhyme with? We'll talk later. I tweeted the game on Sunday like an hour before my show started. The game, the rapper? Yeah, I was like, yo, the game, you in LA?

I'm having a barbecue at my house. Bring over some potato salad. But I was just like, if he does reply, the hood's on my shit, son. Here's what I used to do. Okay, ready? This was my favorite thing to do. I used to go on to black-centric trend topics. Okay?

Black-centric trend topics. Just type in whatever the trend topic is. There's going to be one that reads black. Okay. Like mine was V-Day gifts for the hood. Valentine's Day gifts for the hood. And so I thought it would be funny if and you know it's all like very it's black people being racist about black people it's just them writing like um get her a click clack

you know she needs a gun in the hood get her another baby you know she's already got 10 of y'all's how about child support son and so then i i wrote back uh i wrote back how about anything dungeons and dragons son and no one got it right no one no one laughed at all and they started getting mad like what are you doing in here man get out get out white boy and then i was like give me another chance they said get out white boy what you this is for the hood don't you read the trend topic and i'm like all right how about a classy pen and they're like a classy pen like what the fuck and then i was like all right all right all right more chance. How about a bottle of champagne,

but you spray it all over like a hoe? And they're like, that's more like it. Oh my goodness. But Tom Segura, I got Tom Segura on them. And Segura started, and I started doing them.

And it was like, I forget the one, I know it's saved in my phone, but I got Segura on them. And I was just, I was like, don't write anything racist. Just write very good suggestions

that you would think. Like one was things black people scared of. And then. And this is, And this is a trending topic. How do you start a trending topic? Trending topic is pound sign and then one word. I'll tell you what trending is right now. Yeah, like whatever it is. One word, all in one word, right?

Right now is. Like what are black people scared of would be no spaces, all one word. Like Charlie Sheen has been winning. Right, winning. Winning. Tiger blood. Yeah. And then the trend topics right now is what's dead in 2011 why why can't you

just so like it's i'm sure it's like why can't you just pick up your baby girl when you say to pick up your baby girl and then this one's ask little twist okay see now this is for your fans i'm sure i'm i'm not i don't think he's a scientist i'm gonna say he doesn't teach much let's google Let's google Let's google Lil Twist Whenever something like this happens I'm guessing a child rapper Whenever something like this happens

I get I really feel so out of it man When I hear about this child Born in 93 Jesus Christ He was born When I was auditioning For news radio

I graduated That's when he shot out Of his mom's box 93 Wow I was still in college. His name is Christopher L. Moore, born January 11, 1993, better known as his stage name,

Lil Twist. He's an American rapper from Dallas. He signed on to Lil Wayne's label. Oh, that's why he's Lil. Lil Twist, Lil Wayne. I don't understand. He's a Lil rapper. I don't understand Lil Wayne. He's under six feet is what they're probably saying. Lil Wayne. I don't understand. He's a Lil rapper. I don't understand Lil Wayne. He's under six feet is what they're probably saying.

Lil Wayne is a fascinating cultural icon to me. I watch his music and I am completely perplexed. It's like a language I just do not speak. It doesn't, whatever it is, it just doesn't get me. I don't understand it. I'm going to sound horrible. They are fucking, he is huge, man. He is gigantic.

Massive. He couldn't be bigger. Is he the biggest rapper ever? One of them? He is huge, man. He is gigantic. Massive. He couldn't be bigger. Is he the biggest rapper ever? One of them? He is the biggest rapper. He is the most commercially successful rapper right now, I think probably ever. Man, I feel like I should give him another chance. I feel like there must be some reason why I'm...

Here comes the black in me out. His earlier stuff is much better than his later stuff. When he was with the Hot Boys, he was amazing. I ran into him in Juvenile. Him, Juvenile, and they had a band. There was four of them out of New Orleans. And his earlier stuff, he was good, man. He had rhymes

that would blow you away. So now, everyone just go on to Lil Twist, ask Lil Twist trend topic, and ask very insightful questions that you know Lil Twist doesn't have the answer for. Don't try to be racist. The whole goal is not to be racist it's just to be like seriously do you think there's you know life forms out in the universe little twist and like just see what little twist is answered you know he has an answer for that listen little twist grew up with the internet he might be smart as fuck yeah the thing about kids today man you can never

underestimate them it's not like they don't have the same access to information that we do when we were kids we were retarded because nobody told us shit we were figuring things out like little monkeys just wandering around our neighborhoods but now there's no more neighborhoods man there's the the whole world man those stupid rumors that you heard about dude i heard that rod stewart had to get his stomach pumped and there was a gallon of sperm inside. Those stupid fucking stories only lingered and worked because we didn't have anything else.

That shit would never fly today. Which, by the way, I heard was... This is my rumor. I heard that that was Scientology spreading that rumor to fuck with him because he left Scientology. Yeah, that's what I heard. I might have just made that shit up.

Let's Google that. I'll tell you, so this is the trend topic I started was, and this brings it back to our conversation yesterday. I started doing a trend topic, what will the maid think when she sees this? That was the trend topic, okay? So then I started leaving a hotel room

in a manner so that the maid walked in, she would go, what the fuck topic, okay? So then I started leaving the hotel room in a manner so that the maid walked in. She would go, what the fuck happened in here? Okay? Now, you're on your Twitter right now. I'm just going to tweet these, Joe. And I'm telling you when I say this, this might be my opus. Okay. This might be the funniest thing I've ever done on stage.

Okay. I definitely think that. I'm on the homepage waiting. I'm tweeting the first. And I at signed you. So this is the – and it's going chronologically. I'm tweeting the first and I at signed you. So this is the, and it's going chronologically. I've gotten much better. As you'll see my later work, much like little Wayne's.

So your early inspired shit was really good. I just started getting to the next level. Like Adam Richman started doing them too. And then he started challenging me on Twitter. And then people were like, dude, you guys are fucking. And then I started like really thinking out of the box. And I got into this Jackson Pollock hyper like. Tweet this shit, son.

I'm trying to get all of it. I'm tweeting it. Where the fuck is it? It's coming up right now. And so I got into this like manic state when I was in New York doing press. And I was trying to come out with him to promote the show. And I was getting some good ones, man. Like really fucking impressive.

I mean like some good shit I guarantee you there's artists on Twitter that go You've got great conceptual boundaries What? Really? I'm telling you Joe Is there artists on Twitter that can teach you how to tweet up a fucking twit? Here we go it's coming up right now There we go

There's the first one There's the second one And the third one should be coming up too Oh my goodness. Here we go. All right. Here we go. What will the maids think when she sees this?

Okay. Blind. Clicking completely blind. Okay. I click this. Oh. He's got the bed made up. Looked like a nun.

Now, mind you, this is my early work. Wait till you go through and see how good my shit has gotten. I'll retweet it gotten I'll retweet it That's fucking beautiful I've got more than I could post right now I just went through My early shit And now my later shit

Look at number two The refrigerator Looks like a torso A torso with clothes That's hilarious Meanwhile the real sad part is The main's probably not going to see it It's going to be the next guest A man's body, yeah. A torso with clothes. That's hilarious. This is my, I'm telling you. Meanwhile, the real sad part is the main's probably not going to see it. It's going to be the next guest.

Yeah. They're going to pass right by it. Fucking maid's going to clean that lazy bitch. She's tired. I talk about this all the time, but I always. The third one doesn't work, bro. The third link doesn't work. Now go to the latest recent tweet.

Burn the Congress on the APM. With toilet paper. And he made a fucking doll. This is hilarious. How long did that take you? It took me about three hours. Oh, dude. Three hours in a fucking hotel room just whacked out with a bottle of wine.

These are hilarious. I retweeted the first one. Let me retweet the second one. This hotel in Portland we were just in, I usually do the whole cum thing. And I don't really normally do it as much as i say i i'm not saying i haven't done that yeah but this time i decided to do it because i was in bed and i was like look i didn't want to wipe it on the bed i didn't want to get out so i threw it like kind of up behind me and it went straight down on my uh iphone good i hope it gave your iPhone AIDS. Come karma.

I hope your iPhone dies. Do you think crazy like that? My iPhone starts getting a cough. We're talking about Bird Crush's hilarious pictures. You're going to talk about shooting your own love We're talking about hotels.

No, we're talking about one very specific thing that this guy's doing. It's very hilarious. I love the Birth to Conquer one. Sunday at 8 p.m. That was my opus. That was the best thing

I've ever done. That was genius. I just tweeted all these folks. And if you're listening to this on the podcast, go back to the day that we recorded this, which is April 5th on Tuesday, 3.30 p.m. Pacific time. So if you want to find those tweets, because they'll get lost in the mix. That's hilarious. Yeah, they're very funny.

I feel like, and then I was talking to Hefron the other day on doing radio, and he was in Pittsburgh. And Hefron's like, I love those pictures. I was like, and then I was talking to Hefron the other day on doing radio, and he was in Pittsburgh, and Hefron's like, I love those pictures. I was like, why don't you do them? And he was like, you know, I thought of it, but I didn't want to steal it. Like, I didn't want to do it and feel like I stole it. And I go, Hefron, and this is to any comic listening, I don't give a shit. Do it, but you've got to tweet it to me because I want to see it because I don't want to copy your shit one day.

Right. So this is the tweet. It's what would the, what is the hashtag? Oh, the hashtag. I didn't put the hashtag in there, but what would the maid think when she sees this? And that's all one word. All one word.

What would the maid think when she sees this? And just tweet it to Bert, and let's fucking get to... His one is great. The guy who's jumping out the window. Yeah, I did that one in Canada. Last minute. They all happen at the last minute.

That's hilarious. Yeah, so... What the fucking... This one, fangs? Look at this. This is ridiculous. Dude, that's the one Adam Richman was like. He was like, you cheated.

I go, what do you mean I cheated? He goes, you've got to use the shit in the room. And I go, no, I use the shit in the room. That's towels, napkins, and ketchup. And he was like, what the fuck? Dude, you just owned him. That's why he's upset. You can't compete with this.

I would quit the game. If you were playing this game, I'd be like, this guy's playing this game way seriouster than i am you need to have you need to have a part on your website that has a collection of these because that if that becomes big which i it seems like it would be you need to be the center home base of that so you should go home and immediately do that yeah yeah the travel channel got a hold of it and they're like they're like we love it we want to use it to promote the show we're going to do a caption contest we're going to do we want to send them out and they're like and then they called one day i was in mexico and they're like and i wasn't sleeping and they're like i need we need seven more why seven what the fuck do you

think i'm i'm a meth how am i gonna come up with seven and they're like just do it just do it and i was like i couldn't and i was sitting in mexico fucking no tv listening to the joe rogan podcast on experience on my ipad in bed with me in a pillow next to me because I couldn't I was having anxiety and I was flipping out and it's like it's the best I put it on low

so I feel like friends are talking in the next room and it puts me to sleep I just sit there and I just and then you wake up and you hear dog dog dog

Joey fucking he wakes me up every time anytime he talks more people complain about Joey and his volume control.

Joey will lean back like this. Here's what the problem is, Joey. We got a fucking problem there, Brian. This fucking cocksucker. And then he'll get right up in there and you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. He's someone I feel like I really miss. I don't even think I want to meet him.

Because I want to just have him be the personality he is. He is Joey. You don't have to worry about meeting meet him. Because I want to just have him be the personality he is. He is Joey. You don't have to worry about meeting him. It's even better. You meet him and you love him. He's the most unique human being I've ever met. When he tells that story about his mom, his stories, he tells a story and he's one of the best storytellers because he leaves out the parts that make you

stop and wonder and then right when you're wondering he hits you with a fucking joke. He tells you the story about, like, them playing cards. Was his mom gay? I don't think so. Oh, I guess he was. What? I thought there were lesbians in the story.

And she would go, shake your ham, Joey, shake your ham. Oh, when he would dance? Yeah. And then he'd shake his ham in his underwear. This sounds like a fucking TV show. Like, I don't know how this guy has not gotten a TV show. One of the most interesting guys I've ever fucking listened to. He's so crazy.

That's why. Remember when he got pissed off? Yeah, for nothing. We were on the way to the gig, right? And they were in the lobby. And the show starts in like, you know, 20 minutes or 15 minutes, whatever the fuck it is. And so I'm headed downstairs. Dog, I've been waiting for you down here for a half an hour, dog.

Don't leave me hanging here like this. I go, don't worry about it. The show starts when we get there. Come on, dog. You know me, dog. I get, you can't leave me hanging here like hour, dog. Don't leave me hanging here like this. I go, don't worry about it. The show starts when we get there. Come on, dog. You know me, dog. I get, you can't leave me hanging here like this, dog. And he wouldn't drop it. And he got crazy.

It got to like that times five more levels. Like, dog, you have to give me respect. Give me your respect, dog. Don't leave me down here waiting for you, dog. I'm like, what are you talking about, Joey? It was crazy. Meanwhile, I'm like trying to discuss whether or not I should tell him that I had to take a meaty shit. It took a little longer than I thought it was going to take.

Look, it's not like I don't want to be on time for my own fucking show. All right? We're here. No one's dying. We'll be there in five minutes. It was weird. Forever. I've known him for like 11, 12 years now.

Maybe even 13. I might have met him in, yeah yeah it might be 13 years fuck that's crazy he was drawing a picture in the green room while joe was talking to some friends and he goes brian record this i'm like what and i'm like okay so i started recording him just drawing something and then he pulls up the sign that says brian loves taylor vixen who's my ex i'm like what the fuck and then he pulls out his balls and puts his balls behind it. And I'm just like, Jesus Christ, man. It's like Joey Diaz's balls in a room that small is deadly.

I bet his balls are massive. Massive, sweaty. You two queers should go get a room. Talking about Joey Diaz's balls. The fuck? Dog, dog. Yeah, well, what Joey did is he made a funny video to Brian's ex

because Brian had made a couple of other funny videos. He's torturing her. I'm not tort torturing her Joey Diaz is torturing me then you're sending him Well, I'm sending him. Yeah, they're funny. I think she would think it's funny not like torturous not touch I'm not saying torture like you're hurting her torture also means fun You know, I got always fucking torturing her doesn't necessarily mean you're trying to hurt her. Yeah, see, she has an RSS feed. I don't even know what that is. Brian, shut the fuck up, please. Oh, is this the whole fucking Bill Burr argument?

By the way, which continued onto Bill Burr's podcast and now apparently onto Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast. Shut up. Which is even more ridiculous. I was so disappointed in Bill when I heard him talking on his own podcast about it. I'm like, wow. And then here's the worst part about it. He goes, and I just wanted to say I won. Yeah, I even talked to my lawyer.

My lawyer said that I could sue. Okay, yeah, I won. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Somebody go find Bill and give him a fucking hug. That guy, it's so ironic that Bill was talking shit about people who smoke weed. If anybody needs weed, it's Bill Burr. Oh, he could definitely use a bull hitter. Fuck yeah, he could. He's so ironic that Bill was talking shit about people who smoke weed. If anybody needs weed, it's Bill Burr. Oh, he could definitely use a bull hitter. Fuck yeah, he could.

He's so intense. He's a very intense guy. But I always assume that's what everyone in Boston is like. Yeah, very similar. Yeah. It's a hard place. That's why comedy there, it's such a good place to grow up and start doing comedy. Because you learn very early on to appreciate people's attention spans.

Because they will fucking boo you off the stage with the quickness. You know, we did. We did. I did a show. What was the comedy? Connection. Comedy Connection. Fanny Hall.

Yeah. Yeah. For the Jameson tour. It was me, Billy Gardell, Steve Byrne and Danny Bevins, I think. Yeah. And we had to do the show to get renewed. Like to do the show to get the tour renewed. So and the tour was

a dickload of money for us right it was like uh four grand a weekend and all he had to do was 20 minutes wow and billy gardell is like billy i mean this is i probably shouldn't talk about out of school about billy but billy had just quit drinking and he's sober now but had just quit drinking like that thursday and was like i'm never touching it again and we've got to go and he's fucking freaking out and he's like you got to close the show and i gotta follow like three guys that are all fucking bang bang bang in boston and i'm nervous about doing well in boston because i kind of do race i used to do a lot of race stuff then and i was like fuck and i just came out the gates and i was like and just i just gave it everything i had just bam bam bam bam and then like 15 minutes in i'm like if i can keep this energy going then we fucking and i had a good

set and we got the tour renewed but uh of course just fucking dumped on some black guy in the front row the whole time he loved it he was with a white chick she had red hair does that sound weird when a girl's like but that was yeah that was my only experience in boston boston's a fun place fun town too bad it gets too cold. Never live there again. Sorry. Love you guys. I couldn't live there.

Great place for comedy, though. When you live in a place where it's that fucking harsh, you know, that kind of an environment, you know, I mean, but you think, you know, a lot of good comics come out of L.A., too, so that argument kind of sucks. But don't start in L.A. Yeah, some of them do. Who? Yeah.

I've met some comics that started out here. Holtzman started out here, didn't he? He did, right? I know guys who started out here that are really good. I mean, you can start anywhere, man. I started in New York. I did it once in Tallahassee and then moved right to New York. Did it in New York and got my lunch money taken.

Really? Fucking quick. Yeah. My first time ever on stage, this guy Louis Schaefer was like, I said I wanted to be a comic. It's a long story, but my dad gave me one of those phone calls you don't ever want to have from a parent where he called me one morning on my birthday. I'm expecting a birthday phone call, and he calls me. He's like, you're pathetic. You make me sick to my stomach.

I'm embarrassed of you. You said you were going to be a comic. You got Rolling Stone wrote an article about you, and you said you were going to move and be a comic and you've been there eight months and you haven't done shit and i lie i lie about you like judges say how's your son doing and i lie do you know what that makes me feel like it's my birthday okay i'm sitting hung over on my in my underwear on my couch that i grew up on in new york i had that up there and my dad's just like and i was like he's like i failed you as a parent i failed you you have no humility i don't know what to do just keep doing what you do i guess get a fucking job you have more humility i hadn't i had no humility at the time in what way i just didn't

i didn't have the like i was like i want to be a comic but i didn't know how to go about getting it because i felt like i was too good to work the door or to you know does that make any sense when i say that i felt like i was too i was i was too good to just get into the ground level i wanted to be discovered i wanted to be what was what brought that on i don't know i mean that's just i think a lot of people are like hubris just youth yeah i think a lot of people that how old were you 26 and i was also yeah and i was too young to like the open mic scene was all alternative comedy And like Demetri and Martin and I started around the same time

And Demetri just got welcomed by them And I hung out and no one ever talked to me And I was like, oh, fucking great So then I just hung out at the comedy clubs and drank In the back of comedy clubs You know what I've always found ironic about alternative comedy Is that a lot of alternative comics were like outcasts And they felt like

They were kind of Nerds or whatever they you know they felt like you know they were kind of in you know nerds or whatever you and meanwhile they are like the least welcoming the most i mean and the weirdest like backstabby ish catty ish it's very strange that you would think that the people that were picked on would be like really open and warm and friendly yeah they were they were brutal i would go to uh i forget the name of the fucking surf reality and a collective unconscious. And I would hang out, try to do sets and no one would speak to me. No one would speak to me.

And I would just be sitting there and Dimitri would talk to me. And then he literally would come and talk to me and then walk away and talk to all of them and then come back and talk to me. And I was just fucking, but I never felt like an alternative. Is that you though? Or is it them? I would try to talk to people and whenever I said, they'd make fun of me.

Like I remember – They would make fun of you like how? The first – anything out of my mouth, they'd just go, okay, okay. And this is the comics. This is the comics. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, because they wanted you to feel uncomfortable.

Oh, they wanted me to feel horrible. Wow. Isn't that weird? Oh, it's the worst. And then I go to – It's so common though. Oh, oh. Go, go.

I'm generalizing and I don't want to do that, but go hang out at fucking... I'm trying to think of a name. UCB. And see how, like, I know Tom said he went and did the... They have a comic book comedy? I did a set there once, and I had a great time. I only did it once, and I remember somebody pointed me to a thread somewhere

where the people said they actually enjoyed the show, but they were like, what the fuck is Joe Rogan doing here? That's so stupid. It's weird. It is, but it isn't. I mean, they're expecting a certain particular type of comedy that maybe makes them feel good. But your comedy is the same. That's what really upsets, not upsets me.

I don't give a shit, personally. I'm not looking to get spots at a comic book store. I did a comic book store. Tom Sigurdsson did one and he said it was great. I did it for Duncan. It was awesome. Duncan is kind of welcomed. Yeah, he's welcomed everywhere. Duncan's a genius.

He can float between worlds. But what were you saying? So I had no humility. That's what it gets to. I would sit in the back of comedy clubs. How does this translate? This is where I'm confused. You say you have no humility at the time. You thought you were too good. But yet here you are in these alternative rooms and everyone's treating you like shit.

Do you think they're connected? I'm sure there were. I'm sure that my perception of what the status quo of comedy clubs was perceived from the way I've been treated. But I'd go to like the Boston Comedy Club at the Cellar and I'd say hi to Tell and Norton. They were all cool, but they were also working comics, and that's what I wanted to be. And I think what my dad's note was, my dad's the kind of guy that if he wanted something,

he would get it, and he'd go and he'd say, this is what I want, can you please help me get this? And I would not, that guy, I'd just hang out in the back of the club and go. You know, in their defense, in anybody's defense, when it comes to hanging out with new people, man, I try to be as friendly and as open with everybody that I can. New comics, in their defense, in anyone's defense, when it comes to hanging out with new people, man, I try to be as friendly and as open with everybody that I

can. New comics, I love talking to new comics, but man, there's a certain point in time, sometimes in the middle of a conversation when you realize, oh, I'm stuck talking to this dummy. Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah. That's annoying, man, when you have a good group and a good vibe, you know, so maybe you came off, like, too loud or too... I didn't say a word.

Really? I was... Maybe your stage, your act? I went from this... What were they judging you from? I never got on stage. So what were they judging you from? I was nice. Everyone liked me, but the alternative people didn't.

But you must have said a word because you said they were mocking you for saying anything. Oh, the alternative comedics. Yeah. I'd go up and I didn't know how to do stand-up. Oh, so you did go up on stage in front of them. You surf reality and collective unconscious, but you pay three bucks and go up at the end of theics. Yeah. I'd go up and I didn't know how to do stand up. Oh, so you did go up on stage and find them. Yeah, I'd go up and surf reality and collective unconscious, but you'd pay three bucks and go up at the end of the night. Right.

Like, and that was how those rooms worked back then. Right. Well, then you can understand why they didn't want to talk to you, right? Yeah, I can understand that they didn't want to talk to me. Bring it back to the point. I mean, that's, I mean, we just, I have to break down everything. That's what I did. But they weren't funny either.

It's not like anyone was killing. Right. But they would laugh at whatever they said because they had said it. And it also was a certain sensibility too, right? Yeah, and my shit was like I was trying to be funny in any comedy club. Anyway. You were trying to be funny in any comedy club? I was just trying to be funny.

I didn't know there was a difference in alternative. There isn't. We were talking about that before, about this guy that they were saying is the founder of alternative comedy. We both agreed he's not even an alternative comic. He's just a comic. What does that even mean? You know who I think was the founder of alternative comedy as far as I know? If it all came out of Boston, supposedly, it all came out of Catch a Rising Star, it was David Cross.

Because David Cross was doing really weird shit. What about Steve Martin? Well, Steve Martin is an icon. I mean, Steve Martin's a different thing. He's not what David Cross did. Here's one of the things he did. Let me give you an example. He put on a stretching tape for like a warmup exercise tape. And then he starts stretching and talking on stage about a stretching. And it was, I don't know why, but it was silly. It was, there was something funny about it, but it was completely ridiculous that he was taking

this chance to go on stage. But like a lot of people weren't laughing but everybody had a smile on their face like what the fuck is he doing it was fun steve martin was a comic he's just silly you know he often did a lot of alternative stuff on stage you know alternative stuff like what like he would do banjo stuff he would do like that's a banjo alternative that's not an alternative but he alternative the idea of alternative is like hipster it's like nerdy super smart you know that's what alternative comedy is supposed to be like not too loud not too physical Steve Martin is the antithesis of that he's the absolute opposite of what you would consider alternative comedy I can't put my finger on alternative comedy per se, whether it is or it isn't, but I can put my finger on what alternative comics dislike.

Like I can go on the road and go, this guy would know. Like when you see guys on the road where their act is just like unbearable and you're like, holy shit. And I think what they think is that is the comedy that goes on not in UCB. That is the comedy that's everywhere. And that is like, I don't think a lot of them go on the road and see what you do on the road or see what the road's like. Well, eventually the road becomes the same everywhere. I'm going to tell you that. My crowds are sometimes more enthusiastic in different towns, but they're all the same now.

It's everybody's. They all know what I'm doing. So it's not an issue anymore but when you're young and no one knows who you are and you go on stage if you're you're used to doing the ucb and getting those really polite laughs and chuckles in the back of the room with some witty uh you know reference that you made you know to some you know fucking dune novel you know you know i'm saying something about the spice and everyone in the ucb thinks's so funny. Do that shit in Tallahassee, Florida. They'll throw bottles at you, motherfucker. You know, there's a problem with, you know, when no one knows who you are, man, that's when it's really tough. When you're not bringing in your own crowd, you could get really

soft easily if you're a name and, you know, you have a bunch of people that come to see you all the time and, you know, they give you much love, and they want you to succeed. They want to laugh. They don't have any arms crossed staring at you sideways. Good comedy is good comedy. Patton Oswalt makes me laugh. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. He makes me giggle.

He's one of my favorites. First time I ever saw him on stage, he was like, he's really big in the alternative comedy scene. And I was like, oh, really? And then he just murdered, and it wasn't alternative. It was just funny. Yeah, well, he's big in the alternative comedy scene because he's a comic, oh, really? And then he just murdered. And it wasn't alternative. It was just funny. Yeah, well, he's big in the alternative comedy scene because he's a comic book nerd and he loves science fiction

and, you know, he fits in physically. You know, so they accept him. But he's a great writer. That's what he is. He's one of the best. His book is really good. I got it, yeah. I haven't read it yet, but I picked it up. So now to put it in perspective. Now to get to what to bring it full circle

if this is possibly at all possible so that is who I was in New York in 1997 trying to fit in trying to

break my way into comedy right through having beers with comics and not fitting in an alternative and not being having the

the gumption or the gregariousness to break in in the so were you doing sets I wasn't I was I don't even know what the fuck I was doing I was working out at Barnes and Noble The gumption or the gregariousness to break in. So were you doing sets? I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. I was working out at Barnes & Noble.

So you were working at Barnes & Noble? No, working out. Working out. Oh, this is bad. Like you do sets at Barnes & Noble? I was working at Barnes & Noble and then working out during the day in the basement. I got fired from Barnes & Noble. This is the worst. I was working at Barnes & Noble and Astro Play. asked your place no fucking ac and so every day i would you ever have a job where you lift

boxes and as you do you're like that's not a bad that's a good bye workout and you're like oh all right i'll do a little bit of this and if i do this all day long i'm fucking jacked bys by the end of the summer so i'd go down to the basement and you could take the freight elevator i'm gonna sound like a psycho in five minutes you could take the freight elevator to the basement and no one could get down there because you had the elevator and so once i got to the basement i'd take off my clothes and start working out and just like do push-ups sit ups fucking curls with boxes hold books out and do fucking these fucking jobs front rows and i'd work out and then it was there was no ac so then i'd wait till i cooled down put all my clothes back on get in the freight elevator, walk up.

And I just killed like 30 minutes. And when you have a job like that, to kill 30 minutes is a – it's like fucking – I'm that much closer to being done. Right, right. So I'm like – and I'm eating Rip Fuel. Do you remember Rip Fuel? Yeah. I'm popping fucking three Rip Fuels every three hours, right? Oh, my God.

I'm like a tweaker running around shelving travel books, going down to the basement, pounding like I'm in fucking Oz. And then come up sweating like a motherfucker with a name tag on. And so like two weeks into it, my boss, Dwayne, pulls me aside and he was like, hey, man, you've been spending a lot of time in the basement. And I was like, oh, yeah, because I got to get travel books and that's where we keep them all down there. And he's like, yeah, do you know we have video cameras? Oh, my God. and that's where we keep them all down there and he's like yeah do you know we have video cameras and i was like i didn't know that he's like you're fucking fired and i was like wow i was like i duane i can explain he goes no i can't i can't have someone getting into their underwear in the basement working out to when they should be working and then coming back up and then interacting with people and i was trying to be a comic so I was trying to think alternatively

and I'm on speed which is fucking so theoretically like I would do funny shit but it was crazy if you didn't know me exactly some guy told me the other day we were doing a promo shoot for A Steve TV and I did a joke at the end of the day like was that funny he goes Bert

everything you do is only funny if you spent fucking 24 hours with you and so yeah so i got fired and then came home that'd be great to have that tape if anyone at barnes and nobles oh my god that's hilarious his name was duane i remember he asked me if i wanted to be a manager like a week before that and i was like no and he was like what and i was like he was like you don't want to be a manager and i was like no he's like why are you why do you what do you want to do then i was like i want to be a comedian and i was like this you don't want to be a manager? And I was like, no. He was like, what do you want to do then? I was like, I want to be a comedian.

And I was like, this isn't what I do. And he looked at me dead in the face. He goes, this is what you do. This is who you are. You work at Barnes & Noble. Don't think you're better than us. You're not. And I was like, fuck, I'm out of here soon.

I didn't know I was going to get fired. Don't think you're better than us. There was a guy that when I was driving limousines that had that same attitude. He would get pissed at me if I wanted to go home after working eight hours. Because I was like, I'm gone, man. I got to go. I got a gig to do. And he was like, hey, eight hours is nothing around here. A lot of other guys doing 12, 15

hour shifts. I go, okay, good for them. Bye. I'm going to leave. And he's like, what makes you think the job's going to be in the morning? I go, dude, I worked eight hours. I got to go. I got a gig. He goes, where's your gig? So I told him where the gig was.

Well, the gig got switched. It was one of those things where it was a little $100 gig or something like that. And one of the booking agents, I called him up. And he said, hey, would you rather do this one in Connecticut? It pays $150. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good. So he switched me and moved me to this other place.

So asshole calls the first place, and I'm not there. He goes, yeah, I called that fucking So he switched me, you know, and moved me to this other place. So asshole calls the first place and I'm not there. He goes, yeah, I called that fucking job. You weren't there. You know, you're a liar. I'm like,

no, it gets switched. You fucking creepy stalker prick. Like I work eight hours, but his whole attitude was that he wanted to keep me a driver. Like he, he felt me escaping. I can feel it.

Yeah. A lot of times. I mean, I think that goes. With everything. Even comedy. Yeah. Well, sure. People are haters, man.

A lot of people, it's way easier for them if you're a failure. Way easier for them if you're not ambitious, if you're not like. When you're a guy and this poor fuck was like, you know, he's in his like late 30s and he smokes cigarettes and he just looked like a broken dream. He had nothing going on, you know? And here he is a dispatch guy for a limousine thing in Boston where you're dealing with a bunch of fucking savages every day. And you know, he, you see someone who's 21 and just has all these crazy ideas in their head. And I'm going to do this. I'm going to be a comedian. And you like see all this energy behind this person, all these, you just want to to squash that you want to throw a wire on that fire you know there's a lot of people man the last thing they want to see is someone with with with some sort of a spark inside of them yeah you know

there's a lot of people man that's terrifying to them they just don't want they don't want to see that man they don't want to see that they don't want you to fuck up they want you to fail so they don't have to compel their compare themselves to you unfavorably and then start thinking about what a fucking disaster their life has been oh yeah that was everyone that worked at barnes and noble everyone that worked at barnes and noble was broken there was one gay guy who had come from iowa and just come out of the closet like moved to new york and then i think he knew he was gay the whole time they got to new york and was like i'm fucking gay i remember him coming into work one day he's like i, I'm gay. And I was like, awesome. And he's like, no, I can say it now. I'm gay.

And I'm so happy. And I was like, good for you, man. So he had to hold on to it for the longest time. And he fucked so much that first month. That guy, he got fucked out of his loft one night and came back with a black eye. Because he fell out of the loft? Because the guy was fucking him and pounding him out of the loft. This guy fucked nonstop at first.

It's kind of great. Yeah, so he was in the closet. Just to be able to come into your sexuality, like to realize you're straight, and then everyone in the straight community is like, let's just fuck the shit out of this guy. Yeah, that wouldn't happen. Because that's what happens in the gay community.

In the straight community, it doesn't work that way. They're not really into you switching teams. It's like you used to play for the Red Sox, and now you want to play for the Yankees? What about that Red Sox sucks tattoo you got Oh But yeah So then okay now full circle

So then I worked at Barnes & Noble That's who I was I worked at Barnes & Noble I hung out at comedy clubs And so my dad after that At the end of that conversation I was like dad I don't want to embarrass you And I want to

Tell me what to do It was my 26th birthday Wow And he said You go to the club And you tell them you want to be a comic and you'll do anything it takes to be a comic and I go dad that's not how it works and he goes that's humility that's humility you walk into that front door you talk to the guy who runs the club and say you'll do anything you'll mop up you'll stack chairs you'll flip burgers you'll clean dishes I go dad they got a guy that cleans dishes he goes that's what I'm fucking talking about have some humility and go in and

do that so I went in to this guy, Louis Schaefer. Do you remember him? Yeah, the comic strip? No, that's the Lucian. Louis Schaefer was a gay guy that worked down in the village who always wore a blazer and a white shirt. Yeah, what do I know? Louis Schaefer. What club?

Not gay, not gay. What club? Boston Comedy Club. Right, okay, yeah. So I went up to Louis and I was like, I want to be a comic. And Louis was like, this is the night of my birthday. And he goes, can I give you some advice? I said, yeah.

And he goes, go back to Tampa and learn it there and then come back to New York. You're in the big leagues right now. And I was like, I've already got an apartment. That's not going to work. And he's like, well, that's my advice. And so I called my dad and I was like, I want to, he said to move back to Tampa. And my dad goes, perfect. Go in tonight and give him the same speech you gave him last night and say,

you're going to do this until he fucking folds and gives you a job. And so I was like, all right. So I went in that night, like seven said the same thing to Lewis and Lewis said, God, I didn't I tell you to move back to Tampa? And I was like, I go, well, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to keep hounding you. And he said, okay, if you can stand out front and bring in 20 people throughout the night, and then if there's still people in the room after godfrey

goes on i'll let you go up on stage and so i was like okay so that night two the fucking three people in four people in a girl named karen bergreen is on stage and four puerto rican guys who i brought in off the street who were like one guy was going to prison the next day or sit i just brought anyone i brought a guy in with ice cream he had groceries and i brought him in i brought everyone in the club they're sitting in the front row and they make karen bergreen cry and lewis they go look karen's crying and so lewis goes oh you want to be a comic now it's your chance so he went up grabbed karen berger and he goes all right you guys ready for your next comic and brought me on stage and the only thing if anything that i could do was light up four puerto ricans and i got on stage and i destroyed these guys one by one by one

and when they talk i would be like listen when it says in my act the dumb puerto rican interjects i'll point to you and he'd and he'd be like oh and the crowd was going nuts and how many people in the crowd besides them i was filling the fucking it was everyone that knew me i brought everyone in it was like fucking 100 maybe maybe 100 people on a Thursday night. And so they get up and they leave. The place goes nuts. And this is my first time on stage in New York. And I'm like, oh, I'm like on a real stage, you know?

And I'm like, yes, I'm a fucking. And then I was supposed to do a joke and I didn't have any jokes. And I was like, fuck, I bombed, got off stage. And Lewis was like, you got a job. And I was like, what? And he goes, come here every night at 7, unlock the place, place set the chairs up and bring in people all night long and i'll give you a spot six months later literally and this brings it to bill burr six months later i get a development deal with will smith do work in the door six months later like that and bill burr told

me it was like it happens don't feel guilty everyone's gonna dislike you but i was like did you get that did you get a lot of resentment? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, a lot. But I didn't care, really, because I was like, I don't fucking care. You sound like almost like, I mean, I love you, man, but you sound like almost like this hapless retard that stumbles upon success. Fucking, I am the luckiest guy.

I am the luckiest guy in the world. Literally the luckiest. But it's not just that. It's your personality is very endearing and interesting, and you tell great stories. So it's not just that it's your personality is very endearing and interesting and you tell great stories so it's not just that you're lucky it's just to be you and this is the same thing when you were talking about joey to be joey it's it's you can't be joey and market joey you know what i'm saying so it's like who joey is is joey you know so it's almost like somebody else has to come along and find what's what's interesting about you yeah you know but the fact that you like kept going after it you know and that you started out in new york in the village you know it's like one

of the hardest places you could ever start doing stand-up oh yeah i think if you can i i always assimilate the two like because i then i moved to la because i got a tv show and and then tried doing an la and a comedy in la and it was just totally different and i remember bobby kelly came out he was like i don't fucking I remember Bobby was like I don't have this fucking witty shit I don't have witty shit I'm fucking real I'm a comic I'm a fucking New York comic I go up and I talk and he was like I don't fuck this witty shit I remember

I don't remember he just kept saying fuck this witty shit I don't have witty shit I don't have witty jokes okay I don't know that's all I remember is sitting in the back of the improv with him Joey Diaz doesn't have a witty bone in his body but it's the funniest shit I've ever heard. But Bobby, it doesn't have to be witty to me. I consider the two different.

I think both are like working out. But New York is like working out in prison where you're like, it's just a fucking steel bar with two cinder blocks. And you're just kind of trying to get size so you don't get fucked in the ass in the shower. And L.A. is like doing like Taibo or like spin spin class so you want to look good you want to look good you want to look tight but you don't have to worry about getting fucked in the shower because it's not as bad of course i've never done it at the store what la la com new york comedy is like fucking in your face like the second you stand up it's not like an industry crowd it's fucking a bunch of fucking persians that are in from in from iraq and they're aware of her and then it's a fucking bunch of brothers in from

harlem some kids from spanish harlem and they just like fucking light you up like it's a little more aggressive la is a little more you get up and i remember the first time i realized i didn't have any like joke jokes like i couldn't just start speaking like i needed to interact with someone because really that's what you'd always do in In New York you just Your act is very organic because You talk to someone, hey where are you from? Or how did you get here? I don't know it just seemed like more crowded I never did that even when I was in New York

I never did that When I was in New York I just did my act I never talked to the crowd The only time I'd ever talk to the crowd is if there was a problem Like you have to deal with something Or if someone's just like really outrageous I saw the guy what's the guy's name who used to do make me laugh do you remember that the one on comedy central mark laugh i have no idea it was on comedy central and and you jeff ross was always on it i forget the guy's name

really he dated tara silverman this guy i saw him come to new york one day he was an la comic and he got fucking stole like really bad and i i'd never seen someone bomb before like that where he couldn't come back it was just bits and uh and he fucking ate it hard dude people are gonna eat it they're gonna eat it everywhere but that was everyone in in the club was like that's la comedy for you yeah it's not even. It's probably he was uncomfortable. Probably uncomfortable and got on stage with an attitude or felt weird when he got up there. That's half of it, man.

Half of it is being comfortable wherever the fuck you are. Which is the best thing about having fans that come to see you. Having people that know what you do and they're coming to see. I know Bert Kreischer. He's hilarious. I'm going to see Bert Kreischer. As opposed to just coming to any club, but that's what, that's how you develop your voice too, by doing those, those clubs. But then you have to always think that if you're doing these clubs and no one knows who you are and you're trying to get them to like you,

you know, there's a, there's a danger of maybe becoming something that you're not because you want them to like you, you know, because you want to be more successful. Like it almost like it, it hinders your ability to become yourself on stage. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I think so. I mean, how many guys have you seen that like do a tell when they go on stage? A lot. A lot, right?

And why are they doing it? Well, they're doing it because they know it works. They know it works and it's successful and it gives them a charge when they're in the audience. Like they react to his cadence and they and then it becomes really catchy and then you sort of start doing it even almost subconsciously because you're just trying to be effective you know you're just trying to be effective up there yeah i used to i mean i used to steal from a tell when i was young because i didn't know how to write a joke and you just be like how the fuck would a tell tell it right i remember my first joke was uh you know what cops hate when you touch their faces and i was just like that's a natelle that's a natelle fucking setup punch it is yeah oh yeah

like he said that already no no no no i just always thought that in my head like oh i see what you're saying so you you imitated him i just would i would emulate what i when i'd write a joke i'd be like i got a funny premise because i was hammered on a flight to scotland and a stewardess was trying to cut me off and i knew she was cutting me off and I didn't want her to say anything. And so I just went and took my fingers to her lips and I went, shh. Like I didn't want her to cut me off. And then I got really cut off. This is well before 9-11.

And so I told Patrice that happened. And Patrice was like, that's a funny joke. Because the second you touch someone's face, you take all their power away. Like you touch someone's face, it fucking just. And he was like, you got to fucking tell it. So did you actually touch her face? Yeah, you touch someone's face, it fucking just... And he was like, you gotta fucking tell it. So did you actually touch her face? Yeah, I fucking touched her face.

I was so drunk going to Scotland from LA. Wow. And I just went... So what happened when you touched her face? Did she freak out? No, she just was like,

all right, you're done. You're done. And then served me another beer at the end of the day. Like, while we were getting to land, she gave me another one. Really? I've been cut off plans a lot.

Really? You've never been cut off on a plane? Never. Never. What's the cutoff amount a lot. Really? You've never been cut off on a plane? Never. Never. What's the cutoff amount? You got to be obnoxious. No, no.

No, I'm not. I'm the least obnoxious drunk. So it's not, it's a number. It's four, yeah. It's four. They won't serve you more than four drinks. Is that in first class as well? No, first class is totally different.

They'll let you ball. Yeah, but if you put... They figure you get control. I'm a pro at it now. Yeah? Number one, if you're a big drinker on planes, this is how I do it. Don't speak. Ever speak. Don't speak to anyone.

Just if you want a drink, tap your cup. Dude, you're an alcoholic. Okay, maybe I am. You're not talking just so that you can get more alcohol? Yeah, on planes, I have a hard time flying. I have fucking massive anxiety flying. You were telling us before the show that you have anxiety right now. I have horrible anxiety.

Yeah, because you seem a little revved up today. Fucking yeah. Like you're having a hard time staying calm. Yeah, because I've got to go skydiving on Saturday. And so that's in the back of my head, the concept of... So is that fucking with you while you're talking? Do you hear it in the back of your head? You're going skydiving.

No, I don't. No, if I got high, I would have gone. Yeah, Bert is the only one right here that's not high, so he's not on the same frequency as Brian and I. Yeah, I would totally.

Have you ever gone skydiving? No, I'm not really into dying like that. If you would. I'm sure it'd be fun as fuck, but, you know, there's, I know two people that know people

that have died, including Brian. Brian's dad was supposed to go skydiving with this woman and yeah she flattened out boom hit the ground you know another thing i heard too that i don't know if this is true or not i think we already talked about this but like how when you're skydiving it's really hard to breathe because it's so much air so the whole time you're just going like like you can't you're just trying to breathe you're focusing so much on now i'm starting to sweat yeah no no it's just really don't bring up

how hard this guy's sweating like a pig seriously he's really sweating man i'm really sweating it is hot in here yeah yeah it's not that hot in here you guys are both fat this is what's going on right here if you really knew someone who died skydiving yeah yeah i knew uh someone else um from uh for some friends of mine in Houston. There was a bunch of guys that skydived, and I didn't know the guy. He told me his friend died, and then Brian's story. That two's enough. Was he tandem?

I don't know. I don't know what happened. I think he was solo. You know 1,000 people that probably died or knew people that died in car accidents, but you still drive a car. I don't know 1,000 people that have died in car accidents people that died in car accidents though but you still drive a car i don't know a thousand people that have died in car accidents i'm saying if you're going by like person that knows somebody that died you know like like you you have friends that know somebody that died in skydiving and what would be the difference

brian what are you talking about what would be the difference you don't need to skydive to get to work a and b you don't skydive every fucking day of your life. I mean, I'm not skydiving because of people dying. That's the last thing I'm thinking about is people dying. Really? That's the first thing I'm thinking of. What a dumb fuck I would feel if I'm pulling that thing and the parachute's not coming out. I see that barn, and I know I'm going to make a fucking Scooby-Doo hole through it. The shape of my body with my outstretched arms.

Boom. And it's going to hit the hay, and I'll turn into a bag of jello and broken bones. Splat. And basically, just inside your helmet is all just broken, smashed up. It's not going to happen. You're going to be fine, but it's going to suck the height thing. Are you scared of heights? Terrified of heights.

Terrified of heights. Yeah, me too. But you've been on rollercoaster stuff and you're going to be strapped into somebody else also a professional. Hopefully I'm going to go tandem.

Well, you must be. You have to. You can't just do it on your first time. They don't want you to panic and just shut off. So I've been stressing about that like crazy.

That's freaking you out? Oh, fucking nightmare. This show is a real mind fuck for you because you have to do a lot of dangerous shit on this show. Yeah, we did.

We were doing a concrete toboggan race where you get a 300-pound concrete toboggan, put five kids in it, and then you race it down a mountain against another team who has a 300-pound concrete toboggan. What? And you go 40 miles per hour, no steering, and you just fly down a fucking mountain. How do you stop it? They have brakes. They have brakes. But it depends on where your breaks are on the

thing you may just fucking flip it oh jesus christ it's a nightmare the two people before us the group before us guy goes uh they've ragdoll it they hit a berm oh ragdoll it dude breaks his femur girl breaks her arm in two places and all the bones in her hand and then they go are you ready and i was like what my cameraman's like, a broken femur is a game changer. It is. It's a life changer. Fuck yeah. People lose their legs sometimes because when they try to reattach it,

put the femur back together, you can't get a blood clot going. So it gets gangrene. People lose their legs from femurs. But yeah, that was like one of the things. I mean, we went shovel racing in New Mexico. Do you know what I mean? What's that? You just sit on a shovel and go down a mountain at 70 miles an hour.

Jesus Christ. Just sit on a shovel and then just. And hope you don't die. And just sit back like this. How fast were you going? I definitely didn't get 70, but guys are going 72, 75. 70 miles an hour on a shovel. On a shovel, no brakes.

What kind of hill are you dealing with here? A fucking blue slope. Like on a blue slope on skiing. It goes, yeah, blue diamond. It goes green, blue, and black. And we're on a blue one that's been shaved and salted. Oh my god. And you just are flying.

Fuck that noise. It's basically like the luge. Oh, it's exactly like a luge. But with less control. Because you're on a shovel. And the rod's just sticking between your legs. I've learned a lot about myself with anxiety your legs it's been i've learned a lot about myself with anxiety through this show like i've learned a ton but i still i either i i'm

still dictated by my anxiety like in what way like there's certain foods i won't eat because i know it'll fuck with me in the middle of the night i'll just wake up and have an anxiety attack certain foods trigger anxiety what my stomach my stomach it dictates my anxiety it's heart palpitations like some foods like onions and stuff i know that makes my heart beat a little crazy here and there for me it's spicy foods too onions make your heart beat weird spicy food like the other night when my shit was all jacked up from eating those jalapenos the stuffed jalapenos oh i can't fuck with jalapenos yeah yeah it fucks it fucks my stomach up which then fucks my heart up which makes me like fucking like conscious of my heart and then i'm like freaking out whoa yeah you don't

get any anxiety not about that stuff have you ever had an anxiety attack no never no that's weird really yeah that's really weird here's what wait a minute it's not really weird to not have an anxiety attack no i mean like most people i i thought always had, like, I didn't think you'd never have it. I don't think most people have anxiety attacks, dude. This is one of the things I don't like about weed. I don't think that's true at all. Like you were saying. I've had some, let me clarify, I've had some paranoid moments on weed, for sure.

I've had some moments, but I think those are very important. I think those are the ones that make you reevaluate yourself. You said that one time and I was like, I don't like reevaluating myself. I like those. I don't even like knowing myself at all. I like being scared as fuck when it comes to that. No, no, no. It's not anxiety because I'm not panicking. I'm just

terribly aware of everything. It's not a panic attack. It's just an acceptance of the whole picture. It's never where I don't feel like I can handle it or I'm going to freak out or my heart's beating too fast. It's never that. It's just the humbling, aware feeling and awareness of the big picture. You know, I like that. I think it's very

important. People take drugs to get away from that feeling. I mean, man, I go into it. I run into it. That's what the tank is. The tank accentuates any feeling that you've get. Have you ever been too high and like freaked out? I go in the tank when I'm too high. When the higher I get like the that's the more i want to get in the tank because you face it and you come out of it you always learn something always i always know more about myself i always know whether i'm on the right track as far as like you know what is there anything in my subconscious that's fucking with me is there anything that's bothering me yeah yeah i go right in there man see i'll obsess about anything. If you can give me something, I'll mull it over in my head. When I had to jump off the stratosphere, I literally was up the night before throwing up in a bathtub.

Right, but do you feel like you're making progress with all this crazy critical thinking? Yes, I am. I'm definitely making progress. But, like, I'm definitely making progress. But I still... I think the stratosphere, by the way, is going to be a lot scarier than skydiving. Really? Yeah, because you're going to be able to see a point of distance.

Bitch, you're crazy. Nobody died in the stratosphere. Someone said skydiving is... You're so far removed from what the distance is that it doesn't freak you out. Right. What? No, I mean, it makes total sense. I mean, if you're standing on top of a really tall building,

you can fucking see that you're really high up because you can see other things at the same level or below or higher. So it gives you more of an idea that you're really high up. A reference point.

Yeah, yeah. When you're up in a, you know, plane, sure, it's high, but it's also like almost like cartoony fake. Like, yeah.

If you're retarded, I don't know, man. To me, it looks like a goddamn plane flying 30,000 fucking feet above the earth. He's just going 16. It's just going to take a long time to hit the ground. 16,000?

16,000. So you hit the ground quite twice as quick. And it's one of those planes that just falls from the sky every now and then. Those skydiver planes. What kind of a fucking plane can you open up a door in the middle of a flight? Right? That's a drug plane. Old school.

Right. I think you're going to be fine. Those are drug planes, man. If the pilot has a mustache, you might be screwed. Drug planes crash all the time, dude. You ever see that one that crashed in Mexico? Four tons of cocaine inside of it that ran out of gas? CIA plane.

Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking one of the greatest stories of all time. CIA plane headed, went to Guantanamo Bay on two separate occasions. Clearly a CIA plane. Four tons of cocaine in it. Crashes in Mexico. Mexicans won't let them refuel because they know what the fuck they're doing.

By the way, Portland was fucking amazing. Have you been to Portland? He was saying that. I'm going this year. I just don't know. Well, Portland didn't have a major comedy club for the longest time. So it was hard for comics to tour through Portland. But then they just put this helium place in. I'd done portland before i did a theater there and it was great but this was really fun because we got to do three nights you know five shows over three

nights everything sold out way in advance it was all podcast fans you know and that's the the thing that brian and i've been talking about a lot lately and i was talking with you about in the kitchen everything has changed it's completely different you know, the people that are coming to shows are way more enthusiastic. It's way different. You know, they know you better. It's a crazy experience, man. Do you feel like you have more of a chance to riff on stage than you used to? I don't know, man.

I've been cutting my sets down to like an hour and ten minutes and just smashing. You guys just said something, one podcast that made me reevaluate everything I do on stage. Yeah, what? 50 Minutes. Someone said 50 Minutes. Jim Norton did that. Norton did 50. I saw him do 50 in Austin.

And he made me think, because I do a lot of, I was doing a lot of long sets where I do this question and answer thing at the end. But the problem with the question and answer thing is that it doesn't have the same pop as the regular show. And so the show always would kind of end on some weird note. Like I'd be crushing for an hour, and then I'd do this question-and-answer thing for an hour, and then people would be tired. So the experience of a show was not the same. And I thought I was just giving them more show. I thought I was being more generous and giving them more show. But I realized the best way to do it really is to give them an hour, hour and ten max, and just smash it.

Just come out of the gates. And I've been doing that for like the last couple months standing o's those last all those shows in portland i mean instead of like because i saw it too it kind of like a fizzle it was it just kind of like shows over now here's this other thing and then people forgot about the show they were kind of doing exactly and it was just but now it's just like fucking roaring you know those people want to come back they're telling all their friends immediately instead of going, oh, yeah, it was good last night. Yeah, they were all standing ovations.

It was awesome. Portland was fucking awesome. Never had a place where people handed me more weed. Never. Never. Dude, I stunk of weed when I got home. I was wearing the same pants that I wore to the show the night before. And Mrs. Rogan was like, you fucking stink like weed.

And it was my pants. I took a shower. And she goes, I can still smell in the bathroom. And then was like, you fucking stink like weed. And it was my pants. I took a shower. And she goes, I can still smell in the bathroom. And then she goes, your pants. She goes, what did you smoke? Your fucking pants? They smelled like weed. It was ridiculous.

It was just from people blowing weed on me and Joey. And then when we were in the green room. Joe, remember when I kept on singing at the airport? Like, I smell weed. It was my pants. No, it might have been that, too. But I opened my book bag up. And there was a bowl. There was a joint and a bag of weed in the secret pocket i didn't even know existed

and i'm like holy shit you know what i would have done i would pretend i didn't know you and i would have ran in the opposite direction i need to go home and see my kids dude i can't be going to court for you jay and i one time we're flying to vegas and we're in my car we're sitting in my car and we have a bag of weed and he's like Just bring it And I go I don't want to Because I don't want to Go through security with it And he's like

It's fucking Vegas Do you think anyone's Going to check Of course they do It's one of the worst And so I was like Alright fuck it So I throw it in my bag

We go to leave We start walking And at the last minute I fucking Go oh hold on And I take it out of my bag And I just throw it in the car And I go

I'm not fucking bringing it I'm not bringing it So But I don't tell Jay. I'm just like, fuck it, I'll deal with it when we get to Vegas.

So we go through security and as we go through security they pull me to the side and they're like, sir, we're going to need to check your bag. And Jay thinks I have it

and I start laughing hysterically because I know that he thinks I have it and then the guy, this tall black guy, Jay is standing right there. He goes, what are you laughing at, sir?

And I go, I almost traveled with weed but I left it in my car. And Jay goes, you laughing at, sir? And I go, I almost traveled with weed, but I left it in my car. And Jay goes, you didn't bring it? And I go, no, it's in my car. And the guy was like, you have weed? Where's your car? I was like, I'm not going to tell you. You have weed?

Where's your car? He was like, what? You have weed in your car? And I was like, yeah, but I'm not flying with it. What kind of a TSA bullshit fucking question is that? He's probably going on his break soon. He wanted to puff out. Yeah, he wanted to scare you into giving up the weed. I walked into

Braves Stadium and I said to the lady, just out of curiosity, because it's the moments that you don't have drugs that you want to find out how it would go down if they busted you. And I said to the lady, I said, she was checking my fanny pack, but I firmly believe in fanny packs, by the way. Fuck yeah, give me some knuckles on that shit. I firmly believe in fanny packs.

I'm getting mad at all this what's dead for 2011. The fanny pack will never die because I'm not trying to get laid. So fuck you. They're so

convenient. Sensible. They're right there. All your shit's right there. Exactly. I love wearing them. I love when people think they're dorky.

Especially if you're married and have kids. It's awesome. You haven't wore it before I was married with kids, kid. How about I never stopped wearing it? How about I wore that shit in the 90s?

People were giving me shit on the message board in the 90s for wearing a fanny pack. I don't give a fuck. I love more if you're very successful and it doesn't matter. Brian, look at you and stop and think about the level of pussy that you get on a regular basis. You could still rock a fanny pack and pull it off. Trust me, kid. It's like a mustache. That would probably get you more pussy. It would probably get you more pussy

because you're like, this motherfucker doesn't care. He's wearing a fanny pack. Why don't you wear pink Converse All-Stars too? That's one of the things that women like more than anything is a guy that can be himself. That's why she knows who the fuck you are. Instead of you going out and pretending to be some different person no matter where the fuck you go. Women know when they can count on you.

They know when they can count. Here's Brian's going to be silly. Exactly. Go fucking porn style, a big fucking twisty one. So there's a list that just got released talking about checking you at the airport because this is amazing. It's the Department

of Homeland Security and they put out this, the following characteristics that qualifies a person for potential domestic terrorist. And I put this shit on my Twitter because it's so ridiculous. Expressions of libertarian philosophies. Bumper stickers or statements. Like you might be a fucking potential domestic terrorist because you think that people should be able to do whatever they want to do. You think that libertarian ideology is better than republican or democratic ideology amazing you have a bumper sticker so you might be a domestic terrorist and this is if this

was just some crazy asshole that ran some website some right-wing website but this is like they're giving people instructions look out for second amendment, NRA, or gun club membership. Jesus fucking Christ. What, you can't go hunting? If you want to shoot your own meat instead of getting it from some fucking slaughterhouse, you're a potential domestic terrorist because you believe in the rights to keep guns. You think that adults should be able to have guns just like adults can have fucking cars, okay? Just like adults can have a lot of shit that can fuck you up, all right?

Yeah, people should have guns, all right? That's why they're here. They're here so A, you can shoot people that are bad, and B, you can shoot animals and eat them, okay? It's not a fucking potential terrorist issue. I would almost say there's, I would argue there's no connection between people who own guns and terrorism. Hmm, I don't know about that. I would say

almost 100%. I mean, the guys that fucking flew planes in 9-11. That's just because they couldn't get guns on board. No, no, I mean, exactly. But where's the connection? Where do you draw a connection between someone who owns a gun? Well, the idea is that people want to overthrow the government. Oh, so they're thinking about Terry.

Well, they're thinking about people who rise the fuck up and realize this goddamn corrupt government that's running this country needs to be held accountable for all their bullshit. I finally finished watching that Inside Job last night. Fuck, I had to turn it off the last time I watched it. I watched it for an hour and I'm like, I'm getting angry for no reason and I had to shut it off. But I finally watched it all last night.

It is maddening. It's all about the financial collapse. It's not Inside Job. You hear that, you think 9-11. It's not about 9-11. It's all about the financial collapse. It's not inside job. You hear that, you think 9-11. It's not about 9-11. It's all about the financial collapse. And it's all interviewing all these economists and all these people that didn't predict it, all these people that fucking profit from it. And it talks about one of the most disturbing things is how corrupt economics has become the study of economics at the university level.

Because all these fucking guys who are teaching economics at Harvard and at Columbia, they all wind up working for the presidents. They all wind up working for governments, and they wind up going on these speaking engagements where they're making millions of dollars. And they showed this, like how fucked it is that everyone is just stealing and everyone is getting away with it because everyone is protecting everyone. Everyone is making sure that no one is held accountable for all this. Fucking incredible movie, man. Everyone is making sure that no one is held accountable for all this.

Fucking incredible movie, man. Matthew Damon is the narrator, and it's really good. If you want to get crazy, go and see how fucked up this country is and how fucked up the unfixable foundation of this country is, the financial foundation of this country. It's nuts. It is amazing that it works at all. And these motherfuckers that got bonuses, man. Just the

brazen ash-holishness to ask for hundreds of millions of dollars in the middle of a gigantic financial collapse you were at least partially responsible for. And the fact that nobody holds them to the fire. It's nuts, man. It is one of the nuttiest documentaries I've ever seen in my life.

Wow. This guy who's running the documentary too, he's asking some of the questions, one of the guys, and he catches a lot of these guys, like one of the guys that worked for, for Bush. And, you know, he was an economic advisor for Bush. And he's also for, I think he teaches at Harvard and they caught this guy and they were talking to him and asking him questions. And you see the frustration when they're hitting him with logic and facts and like, how could you not know? And then they're hitting him with all this information about things that he said and how wrong it was. And how did you why did you think that this economy was stable? Why did you think that, you know, these these funds should be rated at double A? Meanwhile, they crashed the very next day. I mean, it's just nuts, man. They're just stealing. It's incredible. It's like everyone is stealing. So it seems like they can get away with it and they can keep doing it. No one's asking for anybody to be held accountable. It's really weird, man. I mean, we're in the middle of like a giant

trillion dollar heist and these bankers have literally ripped off everyone. It's one of the most incredible things I think I've ever seen. And when it's really explained in detail, when they talk about it from the point of the stock market and, you know, and where people were banking on things to fail, yet selling them and promoting them with their clients. I mean, wow, it's amazing. I mean, you have to watch it like five or six times, I think, to really wrap your head around how fucking complex it all is. Because the whole financial system, it's almost intangible. It's like there's nothing there. As you get deeper and deeper into it, you try to pick something up.

There's nothing to grab. It's really weird, man. But it drives me fucking nuts. If the movie is any indication of this conversation, I think I'd be lost within the first five minutes. Yeah. I literally always have a six-year-old's

span of listening to shit. I'm just so fucking frustrated lately. Have you always been a reader? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Like as a kid, did you read? Yeah. I never fucking read. Really? Never. First book I ever read was like really read, like bought it

And for myself, and said I'm going to read it Was Naked by David Sedaris Well I used to read When I was a kid I used to read a lot of fiction And then I started doing martial arts I read a lot of martial arts books I read a lot of books on strategy That's where I first read

The Book of Five Rings Which became like This is the tattoo that I have. This is Miyamoto Musashi fighting a tiger. And one of the reasons why I got that tattoo is because I read something when I was a little kid that really sunk into my head. Once you understand the way broadly you can see it in all things is what he said. And the idea is that once you find greatness in anything, whether it's painting or sculpture or music or music when you find something you just nail it you you get to the core of it you understand what what greatness is and you can see it in everything you can see it not just in your your chosen field but in everything and it really is like a way of you know of channeling brilliance and it made me

think that as i was a kid that if i just really threw myself into martial arts, I could be successful at life. Because even if it wasn't martial arts that I wound up pursuing, if I could get greatness, if I could really figure out what greatness is, if I could really understand the way, really tap into it, I could transfer that on to my life, which has actually been true. Do you think you're better at comedy or martial arts? I don't know, man. I've never even thought about it.

It's not even something that I would think about. You're better at whatever you put the most attention to. It's really that simple. I was a big baseball player growing up, and I remember playing baseball with guys that went on to go pro. I caught Brad Radgey, who was a pitcher for the Twins. I remember playing baseball with them all growing up,

and the way the parents looked at him playing baseball, I remember thinking, no one looks at me like that. No one's, like, pulling me aside like, hey, great game today, Pert. Like, I still made all-stars and I still got recruited to play, like, out of high school. But I never had the, I never had that it. And then the first time I did stand-up, I was like, okay, that's the it. Like, I got that it. This is what, the similarity.

For me, it's probably just the opposite really um when i first started doing comedy and i was leaving martial arts i was really good at martial arts and not good at comedy at all and i had to uh reinvent myself because as a as a martial artist i was you know four-time massachusetts state taekwondo champion i won the u.s open i i came in second place in U.S. Cup to the current national champion who fought in the Olympics. And I was right there. And I was really young. I was 20, 19 at the time.

And then 21, I had a couple fights. I started kickboxing when I was 21. That's what fucked up everything. And that's one of the reasons why I stopped doing, why I stopped competing. It's because I started realizing that there was a bunch of holes in my martial arts game. Because I was just doing one style of martial arts, which was Taekwondo. And when I switched from Taekwondo to boxing and kickboxing, I realized there's big holes in my game.

And then I, so then it made me not respect Taekwondo as much as an individual martial art. And then competing in Taekwondo seemed sort of ridiculous to me because, well, now I know that, you know, I'm vulnerable to punches. So now in my mind, I would have to start kickboxing because otherwise I would be practicing something that wasn't as effective. So then I started kickboxing and I realized, okay, there's not even any money in this. What the fuck am I doing?

Like here, you know, what am I going to do? I'm going to run a kickboxing gym and, you know, I'm going to have brain damage. I mean, I was looking at my future and I was like, I figured I got to figure out what the fuck I'm doing. How old are you? I was 21. And I was doing comedy at the same time. Jesus, you realize how many guys don't have that kind of insight at 21?

Keep going, Keep going. Keep going. Well, it was mostly because no one raised me. Yeah, no parents at this time. I was left in the streets like a wolf. I mean, my parents both worked. And by the time they got home, it was 6 o'clock, and I was over at a friend's house or something. I was a wild kid.

Did you run laundry? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was a different time, man. When I was little, man, I was like seven years old. I used to do a fisherman's wharf in San Francisco, I used to have my own magic show. I used to walk down the street by myself with my own thing. I was thinking I was seven or eight, and I had like a little magic show that I got for Christmas, and I would put a fucking hat on and a cape, and I'd set up a stand, and I would do a show.

By myself. No friends. No one with me. Completely by myself. This is a different world, you know, that people lived in back then. You can't let a fucking eight-year-old out of the house by themselves today. That kid's going to get raped and killed. Too bad you didn't know little

Joey Diaz at the time. I know. I wish I did. We were good buddies. We would have had a fucking awesome show. Joey and I would have been best friends from the moment we met. I was best friends with Joey the moment I met him. I would have been best friends with Joey if we met when we were six. Guaranteed. I realized I had thrown my whole life into martial arts from the time I was 15 until I was 21.

But when I was 20, I started teaching at this place in Revere. There was a nautilus fitness place in Revere, and they had a big extra side room. It was a really big, nice room. So we started teaching taekwondo there, and I opened my own branch of the J. Kim Taekwondo Institute out there. And that's where I met this guy, Joe Lake, who was a boxing coach. And he's coached some UFC guys like Marcus Davis. And he's a really, really good boxing coach and a great guy. And he became one of my good friends.

And he taught me how to box. And when I started boxing, I started realizing, like, man, I've got all these holes in my fucking martial arts game. Like, at Taekwondo, I was really good at Taekwondo, but you added in boxing and then eventually leg kicks. And I'm like, man, I got a lot of fucking flaws in my game. So it made me not want to ever compete in Taekwondo again. And then since there was so much work to do to become a competent kickboxer, and then it was like, well, what I'm going to do become a boxer? Because if I become a boxer now, I'm really starting almost from scratch. I mean, I'm a rudimentary, almost a, you know, beginner boxer. And then I'm going to, what am I going to start fighting in

that way? Cause that's the only place I can get fights. Cause you couldn't even get boxing or kickboxing fights in Massachusetts. We had to drive to Rhode Island to fight. So the last time I fought, I fought three times in one day. I fought in a kickboxing tournament. I won the first fight. I knocked the first guy out. I beat the second guy up. And then the third guy knocked me out. The third guy was like three fights. And I was completely exhausted.

It was hours later. This is all for free. And I won the first round. And then I got clipped with a left hook. And it was really weird because it didn't even hurt. It was just my legs stopped working. It never happened to me before in a fight. Is that the ones where they go like this?

They just go rubber. Boing, oing, oing. They legs stopped working. It never happened to me before in a fight. Is that the ones where they go like this? They just go rubber. Boing, oing, oing, oing. They just stop working. It's like he disconnected my brain from my legs. My legs no longer communicated with my brain. They just shut off. And I went down and I got up. And then he hit me again.

I went down again. I got up and they stopped the fight. I've been hit way harder before. It wasn't that. He just hit me perfect. Just in the right spot. It was like the perfect spot. And I was exhausted.

You know, when you're, I had shitty nutrition and I was delivering newspapers. So I'd get up every morning at 5 o'clock to deliver newspapers. And then I would, you know, take a nap. And then I would drive limos. And then I would go train. And then I was still trying to do comedy at the same time. Holy shit. So that made me really realize I had to pick a path.

And I'm like, you know, this was a good wake-up call for me. And my ego wanted me to get back in there and go smash and, you know, show. And I'm like, you know, this was a good wake-up call for me. And my ego wanted me to get back in there and go smash and, you know, show that it was a bad, you know, that I really didn't train right for that fight and I was out of shape and I was sick, you know, but I thankfully figured out a way to shut my ego up long enough to get

some distance. Your ego's fucked. My ego's fucked. In what way? It's attached to shit that doesn't matter. Like in what way? I don't know I'm starting to see the world a little differently Recently The last conversation we had I had said something about

I talked about almost getting into a fight with a guy In driving, remember? Yes And you were like, that's fucking out of your That's the dumbest thing in the world So dangerous And that, to me, was the first wake-up call of like Yeah, why would I do that?

Like I started thinking like Just from our conversation you started first wake-up call of like, yeah, why would I do that? Like I started thinking like – Just from our conversation, you started thinking about that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fucking actually fairly heavily. You're probably one of – I mean you wouldn't want to hear this, but like probably one of the toughest guys I know. Like no one would ever scare you or you'd – There's a lot of people who scare me.

No, but – I work for the UFC. I'm constantly around people who scare me but what i'm saying is like and so i started like uh checking like okay why do you feel so confident to start fights what is that where is that and then i started and then it started like sizzling down and it was like holy shit man my ego my ego is totally attached to to to not like cool shit like it's not it's not attached to my I don't even know what an ego should be attached to. Do you have parts of your personality that bother you?

Every part of my personality. Okay, well, what do you do about that? Nothing. I drink. What do you do? Are you supposed to do something? I meditate and I get in the tank. No, I drink. That's my number one thing. I drink and then forget about it and then wake up and I just fucking... I would like to get you in the tank, man. I think you would really enjoy it. I drink and then forget about it and then wake up and I just fucking look at the shine.

I would like to get you in the tank, man. I think you would really enjoy it. I would want you next to me and I'd want to have headsets so we could talk to each other. All right, Joe, start a spiral. Well, you could do it at my house, bro, and I could be right outside the tank. There's parts of my personality I can't stand. You know what I can't stand? Why don't you work?

Okay, tell me what you know. I don't like this, but don't be sensitive. Okay. Listen, I love you, man. You don't have to worry about that. I know, I know. I know I love you. I know.

I know that when Birth to Conqueror gets canceled, whenever it does get canceled, I will talk about it incessantly to people. No, you won't. I will. I will. This is what you say. You say you'll talk about it, which is why you'll talk about it. This is what you say. You say you'll talk about it, which is why you'll talk about it.

But if you just say you won't and just decide, you know what? When Birth to Conquer, if it ever does get canceled, God forbid, I'm going to move on to something else. And I'm going to push forward. You're an entertaining guy, man. The world needs entertaining people. Okay, what part of your personality do you not like about you? I get angry at things too easily. Seriously?

I do that too. And that isn't something I know about myself. That's my number one thing. Whether it's something someone says or something that happens or even watching this fucking documentary I get angry. I was visualizing what I wanted to do physically to each one of these cunts that's

causing all these people to lose their houses and I'm just picturing myself strangling them and just getting so enraged it almost becomes like an animal like animalistic and primal. It gets very, it's very dangerous. And that's why I was saying to you, like, be really careful, man,

because you never know who the fuck you're going to run across. Oh, oh, oh. As crazy as I might be, I'm nothing compared to a lot of people that I've ever met, man. I've met some really crazy motherfuckers that if you pick them,

you're the wrong guy, and you wind up saying something to them, they're like, oh, thank you, Jesus. You've just brought me someone to kill. You know, and they'll just attack you. And they know how to fight, too. There's a lot of people like that. A lot of them. I've met a lot of them. Have you always been like that? Me? Anger? Yeah.

Part of it is my childhood. Part of it is genetic. I have Sicilian peasant genes. I mean, this is the reason why my hands are as wide as cinder blocks. You know, I have the weirdest, look at that, folks. I've got the weirdest bone structure ever. I have giant hands. You know, I have the weirdest, look at that, folks. I got the weirdest bone structure ever. I have giant hands. You know, they're good for hitting things.

I'm short and wide. My family, you know, they grew up carrying bricks and shit. You know, that's what my ancestors did. You know, that, like, that design, like, I think there's a lot of aggression built into certain body types. I think there's, you know,

if you look at, like, super athletic, like, you know, you look at super athletic, you look at some fucking Mike Tyson looking dude. Look at Mike Tyson's body. That's like a guy that looks like he's designed to destroy things. Just designed to. When he used to step into the ring, when he was in the prime of his life in the late 80s,

he would get into that fucking ring, and it was like, that is the scariest human being that's ever walked the face of the earth. You couldn't imagine doing anything else. That's what he was there for. He's there to smash things. He would get into that fucking ring and it was like, that is the scariest human being that's ever walked the face of the earth. You couldn't imagine doing anything else. That's what he was there for. He's there to smash things. Just a tank. A bull.

That guy, guaranteed, he's got a giant biological buildup of stress that he needs to blow out. Besides having a fucked up childhood. I mean, I think a lot of people that are in jail are in jail because they have fucked up bodies, man. They have fucked up childhoods. That's interesting. So you can almost say that the body dictates the personality? It does have some effect. It's not a completely benign thing. I think, without a doubt,

I think so much clearer after I work out. To me, it's like mandatory. I don't allow myself to say, oh, fuck, I'm tired. I'm just taking a nap. I don't allow that because I don't like me when I don't work out. So I make me work out.

I make me work out so I can be sane. For me, it's like I always feel like I got this monkey, and if I don't let this monkey out of the cage, he's going to throw shit at me, and he's going to fucking start rattling the cage and lighting things on fire. Just let him out of the cage. Come on, buddy.

It's the same way I feel about my dogs. I feel bad if I don't walk my dogs. If I don't take them around the neighborhood, let them go smell. I want them to get out. Let's get out. Let's go. It's the same way I feel like about my dogs. Like, I feel bad if I don't walk my dogs. Yeah. If I don't take them around the neighborhood, let them go smell. I want them to get out. Let's get out. Let's get out. It's the same thing with the animal inside you.

The animal inside you, you need to, that motherfucker needs to rage. And if it doesn't rage, it starts looking for opportunities to rage. It starts looking, look at this dick. Wants to get in my lane? Fuck you. Fuck you, bitch. Yeah. You know, after I work out, I'm like, yeah, go ahead, dude.

I'm not in a rush. I'm a comedian. I started letting people, I thought of this the other day. I got flicked off by a very liberal couple. Really? A very liberal couple. Of course, I am the stereotype of ignorant white male. I drive a freaking Expedition, black on black.

Do you have a tap-out sticker on your back? I can get you one. I'll put it on. All right. I'm always playing something like hip-hop and they and i and i i guess i cut them off i don't even know and they were in a little uh what's the little prius though the smart car the tiny one from minnie cooper and they flicked me off and then she went up and went ah uh like was thumbing up in me and pointing at me. At your car?

Yeah, I guess. I don't know, me or my car. Who fucking knows? And then we both got off at Laurel Canyon, and we're right next to each other. And I was like, I'm going to fucking tell them off. And then I was like, hold on. If I tell them off, nothing's going to come of this. But if I make them feel like they won, then maybe they'll continue this behavior until they run into the guy Who beats the living fuck out of them So you set a trap?

So I set a trap And I rolled down the window And I was like You guys Let me Fuck Fuck And then they took off

And they laughed And I was like great Just keep it up Keep it up Keep it up Keep it up You took a dive I took a dive

So they can fucking That's genius I've never heard anyone doing that before Now do you see Do you sense phoniness in people right out the gate? Oh, yeah. Ah! I'm so fucking good at that shit.

Of course, because you're so honest. Oh, I feel like I'm really honest with my bullshit. So I see shit right out the gate, and I'm like... Yeah, I'm super honest. So when someone's not being honest, I smell it a mile away. I smell crazy, too. Oh, I can smell crazy. It's really good.

Yeah. My wife's best friend we went out to dinner with him and uh when we first met him and and i fucking you know me i'll talk all night long and drink and we're having a good time and then we got done i don't fucking like him and she was like how can you not like him you just had a great time i go she's fucking crazy she was like she's not crazy and then and then and then now i'm like matlock i'm like we just gotta hang out and then i gotta just Untangle the necklace enough So it starts to fall apart

And then I'm like And then I brought it up One time about like drugs And she was like Oh I used to have a problem With meth And I was like There you go

Told you Dude that's so funny You said that I had a Brian Callen story Where Brian used to Always date these Really fucked up girls And try to fix them

And Brian's been One of my best friends since 94. When I hosted Mad TV, I met Brian and we instantly became best friends. And when we were hanging around, the first thing I noticed when we were hanging around together was like, this motherfucker dates some broken bitches. I mean, his current wife is a very nice person, but he's had some disasters in his past. Didn't he fuck Fiona Apple? No comment.

Okay. I just remember hearing something about he fuck Fiona Apple? No comment. Okay. I just remember hearing something about that. No comment. No comment. We are on the internet. There's hundreds of thousands of people, and some of them may know Fiona. So probably not. Yeah.

Anyway, he just, you know, I used to tell him, man, you got to get better at reading people. He's like, yeah, I'm getting it. I'm getting it. I'm getting it. I'm getting better, man. This new girl, you're going to love her. You're going to love her. So he introduces me to her, right?

I say, hi, how you doing? She goes, hi, nice to meet you. And then I go, can I talk to you for a second? I pull him outside. I go, listen to me, man. She is fucking crazy. Yes, yes, yes. I go, dude, this bitch is fucking crazy.

You're standing in her hand and you're like keeping your body. No, yes, yes. I go, dude, this bitch is fucking crazy. No, I shook her hand. I shook her hand and I looked in her eyes and I saw madness. It was like that Sam Shepard movie based on that In the Mouth of Madness. Remember that? It was like that. I was like, this bitch is completely insane. I was like, so I pulled them aside. I go, listen to me, man. I go, that bitch is

crazy. She's a nice. No, no, no. She's a good girl. No, no, no, dude. She's a fucking dude. You're famous. She's nervous. She's a good girl. No, no, no, dude. She's a fucking nightmare. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. You're famous. She's nervous. She's meeting. No, no, no, no, no. No, it has nothing to do with that.

I go, that bitch is crazy, man. You got to trust me, dude. I know crazy. All my spider senses were going off. I go, you better get the fuck away from that girl. Trust me. You're going to find out. You're going to find out the hard way.

You need to run. What are you attracted to her? She's nice. She just needs friends. No, no, no, no. She just needs friends. She's fucking nuts. Okay.

Time goes on. And eventually, he finds out that she's a meth head, like massive, you know, I don't know how he missed this, but like she was completely insane. And I had some like some, some guy was looking at, looking for her. And you know, anyway, he winds up eventually slowly getting rid of her. Right. It just gets rid of her. And then one day he's walking down the street, okay? And he sees this girl walking towards him, and the girl's a hooker. You know, she's got a skirt on. And then he looks up and he realizes it's this girl. And she's got fucking scabs on her face, like she's picking her face.

Yeah, and he goes, how's it going? And she goes, what do you think? Okay, you take care. Don't be that honest with me. This is all, and I swear to God, I picked this up from, hi, how are you? I was like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. All these alarms. I'm good at that.

You can't always think you're good at that. You always got to be open to the possibility that you haven't picked it up yet. You've always got to be open to the possibility that some people are better at covering their bullshit or they have different motivations for being crazy. You know, what is their motivation? Are they delusional crazy? Because delusional crazy is pretty easy to spot because they lie to themselves. Yeah. Or are they deceptive crazy?

Deceptive crazy is strange because sometimes deceptive crazy, like there's like a sociopathic element of it where they're not concerned about how they come off so that they'll like they'll like really like play to your strengths and all of a sudden you're like this guy really compliments me well really meanwhile what he is is just a certain type of manipulative crazy that you haven't picked up yet fuck i've had so many crazy people in my life of course you're a comic man i mean you're doing doing shows. How many nutty fucking people do you meet after shows? You make the greatest sounds, man. You can crack me up every time you make one. So listen, man. Last time you were here, there's a fucking story about the Russian mob.

We tease these bitches. These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day. Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, man. Tell us what the fuck happened. All right. This is in 1993, probably, I think is when I went to Russia. I was taking Russian classes at Florida State. I thought they were Spanish classes.

What? I thought they were Spanish classes because it was a noon class and I signed up and then I was like, fucking sweet, Spanish at noon? I could phone that in. And then I get there and they start writing a a new language a new alphabet and I'm like all right this clearly isn't Spanish so then I say I'm gonna leave and the teacher's like listen don't leave um because if you leave we can't have a class and I can't get my master's degree so but if you stick around I'll talk to you after the class I get done the end of the class she's

like um listen don't uh you know if you don't leave and I won't and just show up at class I'll talk to you after the class. I get done the end of the class. She's like, listen, don't, you know, if you don't leave and I won't just show up at class, I'll give you a C. I was like, done, done. So I took Russian. I took Russian one, two, and three because these kids needed another guy in their class to take these classes. So then finally I take Russian four and we go to Russia. We go to Russia. But this is Russia like when the mob ran Russia. Like are you, are you guys aware of that no okay in like the

nine late 90s mid 90s the mob ran everything that had to do with russia so when going over to russia you had to you had to literally pay off the mob in order to go and study abroad so we paid off the mob and they gave us in return two banditos two young mobsters who would go everywhere with us they lived in our hotel they stayed with us who would go everywhere with us they lived in our hotel they stayed with us they went on tours with us they went they would did everything with us their names were igor and sasha and when we got there our teacher was like listen this is igor and sasha they will be ghosting us with my teacher who was there with me he was like they're in the fucking mob igor and sasha it's like a gay guy named bruce and they were like and they were oh

it gets worse so so they're like, listen, whatever you do to our class, do not talk to them. Do not interact with them. Do not engage them. They're only here to shadow us. So in my head, I'm like, fucking get to know these guys, right? Like, get a bottle of vodka, six pack of Baltica, knock on their door. Mind you, I speak

no Russian at the time. No Russian because I'd never studied in any of the classes. So first night there, I knock on Igor and Sasha's room, and they're having a party in there, like fucking all their friends are in their room, they lived right next to me, and Kendra, my teacher, lived across the hall from Igor, so I knock on their door, Igor opens the door, and he looks like a fucking thug, he's got, he's got like a wife beater on, a cigarette, a beer, and he just looks at me in Russian, and just goes, goes and now the second he says that i start panicking all the phrases i had in my head that i was trying to say all disappear and

all i say to igor in russian is i am the machine what is that how do you say that and so but i just said and he went and now i don't know what i've said. I'm like, what did I just say? I'll fuck you up. Like, and I go, I go, I am the machine. And he goes,

say it again. I said, I'm the machine. And then he starts laughing and he brings me into the room. He's like, hold on, say it again. And so I say it to the room.

I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I'm like, I'm the machine. And they're like, you're the machine. I'm like, I'm the machine. I said that all fucking night with these guys.

That's the only communication we had is I said, I'm the machine. And Igor and Sasha and I became best friends, right friends right we did everything together if we went on a field trip they would tell me machine you don't need to go on the field trips come drink with us so now uh cut to one day we have to take a train to moscow now a different mob ran the train to moscow and a different train mob ran moscow and igor Igor and Sasha were not allowed to cross boundaries. And they told me, they said, listen, we're not going to go with you, but we've taken care of you. We've talked to the mobsters on the train and in Moscow.

Because we had to pay them, too. They weren't allowed to come with you. They weren't allowed to come with us. Because it's a different mob. And we're paying a different mob now to protect us on the train. We're paying a different mob to protect us in Moscow. Holy shit. So they said, we've taken care of it.

Don't worry about it. So they take me to the train, and they introduce me to our two new gangsters, Igor and Igor. What? Double Igors. I swear to you. Three Igors out of four dudes. Igor and Igor. There's not a lot of names in Russia.

It's Alex, Igor, or Sasha. What about Fyodor? So Igor and Igor. My Igor says to these Igors, this is the machine. If you give them alcohol, you'll have a great time. So Igor and Igor are like through the roof. They're like, awesome. Don't worry.

We've taken care of you. We're sitting in first class. You're not sitting with your class. You're sitting in first class to Moscow. And I'm like, holy shit, this is what I'm talking about. And I bring another guy, John Bolshoi, Big John, I bring him with me to go sit in first class. And sure enough, man, we're in fucking first class. Just me me these two

eagles john the conductor i shit you not the conductor before the train takes off comes into the room i swear to you rips off the band on this thing says this is a present for the machine it would be an honor to do a shot with you and i'm like oh this is fucking right so i do a shot with the conductor and we pound this vodka within like fucking 30, 45 minutes. We're done all the vodka in the room. Whoa. We're drinking hard. And my class is all on coach and I'm sitting in first class.

And Igor and Igor are like, let's go get more vodka. And I'm like, done. These guys run the fucking train. So we get up. We walk into the bar cart and Big Igor says, machine, grab some bread, kleb. And I'm like, that's bread. I'm understanding Russian. He's like, grab some sie like, that's bread. I'm understanding Russian. He's like, grab some sieve.

That's cheese. I'm like, I'm learning Russian. I'm looking at John who's standing behind me. He's like, yeah. He's like, grab vodka. I go, I know that one. And he's like, grab all the money. Grab all the rubles.

And I go, what? I look around and we're robbing the bar cart. What? The bartender's standing like this. Everyone's standing against the wall. And I'm sitting behind the bar with a handful of rubles, a bottle of vodka, and a thing of bread going, holy fuck. John looks at me and he's like, just take it. Let's go.

Take all the fucking cash out of the bar cart. And what is the bartender doing? Not making eye contact. Everyone just lets it happen. It's the mob. They ran everything in Russia. Everything. Wow.

And so we get done and we go back to our room. And it's a totally different energy. Like very, like very sketchy, you know? And are you freaked out now? I'm freaked out. Cause I'm like, fuck, I just robbed the car. Like no one else saw anyone rob the bar car, except for me. And my teacher Val, who's at the time was our chaperone, didn't speak any Russian. She comes to our first class cart, opens the door and says, I need to talk to you right now. And I was like, listen. And she goes, I told you that you're in big trouble. My classmates, your classmates have told me what happened. Big Igor takes a sip of vodka, spits in her eyes and goes,

no one talks to the machine like that. I'm like, whoa, he spit vodka in her eyes? And fucking it is. And then shuts the door and then looks at me and he says, don't worry, I got you. When it gets dark, we're going to have a lot of fun. And he pulls out a thing of keys. He's got keys to the whole fucking train.

He's like, we're going to rob everyone when it gets dark. Now I'm like, fuck, what did I get myself into? Like, this is bad news. Bad fucking news. So it gets dark. And sure enough, then we start robbing the train. Go through my class first. And we'd fucking open the door.

Little Igor would crawl in, pull the bags out. John and I would go through them and try not to steal like anything important and big eagle would stand guard and if anyone woke up he'd take a sip of vodka and spit it in their face what and it was i mean it's sketchy now it's sketchy it's not even fun are they low are these guys armed fucking no no no they're loaded though they're hammered piss drunk we robbed my whole class and then uh and then we end up they end up taking off and going into the car and me and john are sitting in in the first class car just thinking we're fucked man we're fucked we robbed the train we've robbed the bar cart and they come back and they're just

fucking angry drunk like piss angry drunk we pull into moscow and my teacher val uh comes to the door opens it and said i'm just letting you know we've called the police so i was like fuck so igor and igor and ig Igor are like fuck it don't worry Fuck the police fuck the police this is Russia Who the fuck do you think she is this isn't America This is Russia we run everything I'm like ugh I'm gonna fucking go to the gulag Sure enough

Sure enough man the cops are sitting On the middle Like the middle you know Where people get off the train that little receiving area My class is sitting there. My whole class are in the pajamas. They're crying. Their bags have been gone through.

They're fucking giving statements to the cops. And the cops are writing them down. And I'm sitting with Igor and Igor and John in the fucking cart. And they're just still drinking and smoking. And they're like, fuck this. Fuck this. We'll take you there just right now. They walk outside, out to the cops, and start yelling at the cops.

And I'm like, motherfucker. This is not how I would have taken care of this. I don't even know what they're saying. But they're just shouting. And the cops and start yelling at the cops and i'm like motherfucker this is not how i would have taken care of this just i don't even know what they're saying but they're just shouting and the cops are shouting back and then finally big e or just starts pointing at me and i'm like oh he's pinning this whole fucking thing on me like i'm going down for the whole thing and then the cop starts pointing at me and telling me or whatever he's saying come here right now so i fucking walk out and it's that moment where you find the hash on your body. You know, they find it and you're going to jail forever.

That's that moment, that walk where your asshole gets cold and you're like, this is it. Midnight Express. Fucking that's the moment. And I walk all the way across this little fucking trail to get to him. I get right up to the cop and the cop looks at me and he goes, I understand you're the machine.

And I was like, yeah. And he goes, tonight you party with us. I was like, what? All right. So then we went out and partied with these cops. So the cops did nothing. Fucking nothing. They were so excited to meet the machine.

What? They were like, this fucking, it was a nickname. Is there no one funny in Russia? Is that what it is? No, there was no humor. There was no. I got a drink with you. Is that what it is?

Is there no one funny? And then you come along and you're hilarious So they're like we're partying with you Yeah and I was just loud Would you be willing to move to Russia to be their bitch? No Dude those guys scared me How many nights did you party with these guys? I partied with Igor and Igor on the train only

And then I partied with the cops in Moscow With John For one night And then I partied with the cops in Moscow with John. And then for one night. And then we hid from them. Because they wanted... The cops wanted... No, the cops were scary. More scary than the gangsters.

Because they could not get in trouble. They were like, drive my cop car. And you're like, what the fuck? Drive my cop car? Just fucking... Do they drive on the left side or the right side? Same side as us? I don't remember.

I was there for three months. You'd think I'd know. I have no idea. I was drunk a lot. I think they drive on the same side as us. But they, I mean, like, the whole experience in Russia was just, I mean, it was just, I remember one time Igor and Sasha said they were going to get a boat for us for Russian May Day or Labor Day.

And they were like, yeah, we got to, they're going to have a big boat for our whole class. We're all going out on the boat. So I get up early for the day we're going out on the boat. And I go over to Igor's room. And Igor's eating dried fish, drinking beers. And I was like, what's the matter? And he's like, I'm fucked. I go, what?

And he goes, we got no boat. I go, what do you mean? He goes, I've done everything to try to get a boat. I can't get a fucking boat. And we've promised the class a boat for the tour. It to have a boat and so we're like oh fuck and he goes and then all of a sudden the phone rings and he goes we got a boat i go we do and he goes yeah so we start walking to the dock we're carrying a fucking big case of beer my whole class cameras and fucking their little passports around their neck and one of his buddies just walks up

and he's like hey and he's like hey and then we just get to the dock and there's a boat there and we just get on it and take off and halfway through we realized like i just stole the fucking boat really he just stole the boat and he was like russia must be just fucking crazy insane we went to we went to a big mob boss party one night and igor's like tells the mob boss he goes this is the machine this is the guy how does this all happen I just was loud and then and then I was partying with Igor and Sasha so much that like that and they just tell their friends oh you got to meet this guy you got to meet this guy he's so funny dude we're gonna have to drink with you yeah we gotta do shots with Burt Kreischer you

gotta be careful man you're selling yourself as this incredible, fun party guy, and everyone's going to want to do shots with you. Oh, I don't. I'm fucking. Are you friends with Igor on Facebook now? Have you tried to find him? I don't think Igor's alive. Can I follow Igor on Twitter? I think Igor.

Sasha wanted to be a filmmaker really bad. Yeah? He really wanted to be a filmmaker, and he'd talk about film. What kind of film? I have no idea. I was 22 at the time. Murder films. Igor was probably dead, I would say.

You had a pretty interesting life before you ever became a comedian. You would think you have a wealth of fucking stuff to talk about on stage. Did you ever figure out a way to tell that mobster story on stage? I can't because it's too long. I can tell you here, but to tell it. You just need to chop it up. It's hard. It's really hard.

It's like the Tracy Morgan story. I never felt comfortable telling that story. That's ridiculous. You just need to chop it up. It's hard. It's really hard. It's like the Tracy Morgan story. Right. You can't. I never felt comfortable telling that story. Well, that's ridiculous. Well, there's a perfect example. It goes, look, Jay was telling it on stage and it was crushing. Yeah, I know.

You should totally tell that on stage. Yeah, maybe I'll have him tell the machine story and then. And then have him tighten it up. And then steal it back from him. Tighten it up. Have him tighten it up. Yeah. Yeah.

Just farm it out to other, like, you know, if there's some Mexican comics in town, sort of like surrogate jokes, you can have them carry your joke for you into, you know, term. But, yeah, so I don't party like that really anymore. You were just telling us how much hammered you get lately because you're trying to avoid this. On planes. Yeah. Like, that's fucking anxiety. That's me trying to handle whatever I've done to my brain so that I can get from fucking L.A. to New York. Do you feel like some guys don't want to lose that anxiety because they're worried that if they become evolved,

some whatever, you know, enlightened, however you want to say, that they wouldn't be funny anymore. Yeah, I'm afraid. Whatever. I get nervous as shit before I go on stage still. I used to think that if I became more enlightened, I wouldn't be funny. I would avoid, like, doing yoga and I would avoid meditating because I literally thought I became more enlightened, I wouldn't be funny. I would avoid doing yoga and I would avoid meditating because I literally thought I had to be more fucked up to be funny.

I feel that way. They asked me to get on this drug called Celexa. For what? What does that do? They say it's a social anxiety disorder. Let's see. Celexa. How do you spell it? S-E-L-E-C C-E-L-E-X-A? No, I want to say it's an S.

I got a prescription for it, but I never... It's used to treat depression. A class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors that works at increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance. You know, my thing with all this stuff is, first, get your body in order. You know, this is what I tell everybody. Whenever I talk to anybody and they're like, oh, I'm thinking about getting on something. I'm not completely opposed to people doing

any, any sort of antidepressant. I know people that's changed their fucking life. I know people where it's helped them dramatically, you know, including one buddy of mine who got on it, changed his life and then slowly weaned himself off of it and literally has a different way of thinking now. And it saved him. Yeah. He was really super depressed. He had some real issues, you know, how much, how much of it was his childhood? How much of it was his, you know, biology? Whatever the fuck it is. But I think you got to get your body in order before you start fucking around with all that stuff. My body's a wreck. Yeah, well, of course, it's not working so good then. Yeah. How often do you work out? Do you want to be healthy? I mean, do you want advice? Do you want to be healthy? Yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

Do you want advice? Do you want advice? Why don't you join some sort of a gym? Get some sort of a trainer. I'm not home. When's that ever going to happen? Okay, how about this? Bring a DVD on the road with you.

I have DVDs that are all body weight exercises. Yeah? Yeah, you can do it in your hotel room. You set a laptop down on the bed, and right in front of the bed, you need a fucking small space. You start doing Hindu squats and Hindu push-ups. Shake weight, man. And push-ups with claps in between them, and then you could do handstands against the wall. Dude, you could have a serious fucking workout.

Steve Maxwell told me how to do chin-ups on a door. You put a towel inside the door, slam it shut so there's a knot in the towel, and the knot stays so you can slam the door shut so you can't pull the towel through. And then you do chin-ups with it. I do all kinds of crazy shit in my hotel room. Yeah, I'm sure that's one of the things I need to do. But before you start taking any crazy-ass pills. I'm not going to take it.

They just said that's what you should be on. Who says this? Some fucking doctor. I went to a therapist once and she was like You need to talk to Because I have a problem with flying And I've always had a problem with flying And I fly 200,000 miles a year But I still have anxiety

When I get on a plane I can't get rid of it It just doesn't disappear And so they're like You need to get on Celexa You also have Social anxiety disorder And I'm like

I don't fucking I can talk to people all day long Yeah that's ridiculous Anyone would say That you have a social anxiety disorder You And I'm like, I don't fucking, I can talk to people all day long. Yeah. That's ridiculous. Anyone would say that you have a social anxiety disorder. You're a fucking comedian. Yeah. But, but I don't know. So I'm sure there's a ton of things I need to do to fix my, everyone has a little bit of social anxiety just cause you don't know. I mean, when you first talk to someone, you don't know what the fuck you're getting, you know what I mean? You get better at it and more used to it as you get older. But I used to remember I used to go to banks and, uh, I had already started doing comedy at the time.

And I would fucking have weird, almost like failures of my speech when I was talking to someone at the bank. You know what I mean? I'd get up to the counter. Can I help you, sir? Yeah, I needed to deposit, deposit those. Like, it was just like, it just couldn't come out right.

I was nervous for whatever stupid reason. I mean, I had fought, I had done stand up, I'd done all these scary, scary things, but talking to the teller for whatever reason, you know, would make me lock up, you know? So I think we all have a certain amount of social anxiety. It's just a matter of overcoming that. You just need India, indica burt the whole the whole worst i've gotten so confused with whatever indica or sativa whichever like every time i have a conversation with someone they're like oh you need the one that doesn't make you think right well you want the one that doesn't make your body you don't want to feel in your body

and i'm like well it seems like that you're overthinking everything so that it seems like the indica i don't think it's any different than anyone else. I don't think I'm... I think if anyone had my lifestyle or my life, like where you travel, you're gone all the time, you're jumping off buildings, you're jumping out of planes. I think if anyone had my life, they'd go through this shit. Has it noticeably changed since you started doing this show? It's gotten much better.

Last year, it was really bad. But I've gotten much better with my anxiety. Now I can appreciate things and go, wow, this is really bad But I've gotten much better with my anxiety Like now I can appreciate things And go wow this is really cool that I'm getting to do this Like last year I was just a fucking wreck I would find injury in the smallest thing I'd be like that's gonna We were doing a belly flop contest

And I was like what if there's like a stick I'm just gonna fucking impale myself on it That's a good question, you should look out for sticks Thank you, everyone was like are you out of your fucking mind? You're going to break it. And I was like, no, it'll go right through my body and I'll die.

Depends on how big the stick is. They're all confident that you're going to break it. I guess. But I've gotten much better. You'd be fun to be in production with. You're like, yeah, that's a good question.

Yeah, man, I'm the worst person when it comes to anything dangerous. I'm the guy who's like, listen, listen, you take chances, motherfucker. Okay, nothing wrong with that. But you better be aware of what you're doing.

Don't be stupid about it. Take informed chances. This season's been a lot of fun. A lot of fun to shoot. Do you do comedy when you're on the road filming? Do you schedule gigs? No. No.

But if I do comedy, all of a sudden all the chaos gets real fucking mellow. Because I can talk and I feel like I'm getting that outlet. I was in the middle of a month stretch from Alaska to New York to D.C. to Indianapolis. And then leaving Indianapolis, we had to fly out of Cincinnati. And my wife's like, and I'm complaining to her about my brain or whatever is wrong with me. And then she was like, just go get on stage. Just go over to the Funny Bone in Cincinnati and get on stage. It's a good idea. I was like, I guess that is wrong with me. And then she was like, just go get on stage. Just go over to the Funny Bone in Cincinnati and get on stage. It's a good idea.

I was like, I guess that is a good idea. Because it's almost like a form of exercise, like this amount of energy that you expend on stage. Oh, yeah. I think one of the things that's wrong with me is I don't listen very well, and I talk more than I listen. Some people are good listeners. I feel like I'm all fucking exporting data.

Well, listen, you're aware of that, so you'll be a better listener. It's that simple. If you're aware of one thing that's fucking with you or one thing that you don't like about how you behave, that's step one. That's even more than step one. Step one is like thinking what's wrong with me. Step two is like figuring out what it is. You're at step two. like figuring out what it is You're at step two you already know what it is

But yeah but I think once I do stand up That I start I start listening So I'm done talking Like do you ever get done with like a long stretch And you're like I'm fucking do not want to hear myself speak I'm done talking It's hard to discipline myself to listen to tapes when that happens

I can't fucking listen to tapes I've never listened to a tape ever Really? How do you go over your bits? It's all in my head. Whoa. Yeah. Do you think that that's the best way to do it or that's the best way for you? I know that's not the best way to do it because anytime I look at a tape

I go, man, I should have fucking, I could do that different. I could do it better. And it always works. But I hate looking at myself on film and just watching it and going over it and being like. You know what I say to myself? What? I say you're a professional.

I'm a professional comedian. And my job as a professional comedian is to do it the best I can. And to do it the best I can, I have to review tapes. I have to actually write. I have to take chances on stage where I go on stage and I just don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about. I just go. I have to do that. Go down dark roads, especially like South Comedy Hole. I love that place because it's like 80 people. And, you know, I can I'm going to talk about. I just go. I have to do that. Go down dark roads, especially like South Comedy Hole.

I love that place because it's like 80 people. And we, you know, I can just fuck around and talk about anything and bits will come out of that. So there's that. But you got to write and you got to review your shit. You got to listen to it. You got to do it all. You got to do everything.

I write, but I think going through my shit's exhausting. It is exhausting, but that's part of the job. You know, as I've gotten older and as I've gotten, I think, um, I wouldn't, I wouldn't say that I take my stand up more seriously, but I think I've gotten better at being disciplined about it. Especially like the last special that I did, it was like, came out less than a year, like a little over a year ago. And I've got a completely new hour and 20 minutes between now and then. And it was difficult to do that. I've never done that before. I always sort of slowly built up an act, you know, over the next few years because I kind of had to, you know, but now the way I do it, I, I, I just, you know, and I, I kind of like got inspired by Louis CK talking about how

he comes up with a new hour every year. So I, you know, I just tried to attack it and write as much shit as possible. And in doing that and trying to put together a new hour in a year, you, you have to review material. You have to be more disciplined about it. You have to be more professional about it. Yeah. But I know it's your new hour thematic of who you are right now. It's the best thing I've ever done for sure. It's most, the most silly, but I also think that's part of the reason is because this podcast, i don't feel like the need to um extrapolate or or to expand on like philosophical ideas or or try to make something funny that might not necessarily be funny like all i'm really concerned about is being funny as opposed to you know like sometimes i'd have bits about something i just wanted to talk about why don't i have to worry about that now

because i just talk about it on the podcast you know what i mean there's the outlet is better so in a sense i think it's condensed my comedy and made it sharper and better, made it more funny. My comedy is all over the fucking place right now. Everything is all over the place. What is your comedy? Is it any kind of theme or are you just pretty much? You sound like some guy at the fucking hotel.

No, I mean. What do you do, comedian? So, what do you do when you're on stage there? Do you have a theme to your act there, fella? What kind of comedy do you do? If you're talking about your comedy, Joe, you would say it's more like a storytelling-based. It's kind of conspiracy, kind of theory, your kind of life.

Conspiracy theory. Well, it used to be more conspiracy, but not... Not really conspiracy. We're talking about the pyramids bit. You mean, I wouldn't say that it's a conspiracy. Pyramids, Noah's Ark,

all that stuff. But, uh, do you, do you have more of a, like, like bitty? Are you more jokey jokey?

I'm straight up storytelling. Storytelling. I would say, I would say more so I, I, my standup show is more like you're going to watch someone. You're going, I feel like it's,

it's literally, you're coming to my house. I'm telling you stories i'm standing on the ottoman and you're sitting on the couch and i'm just you're like man that guy's house is fun to be at like it's a lot of just crowd interaction you know i told you this last time i bring people on stage but yeah it's straight up stories i've had always had a hard time like i have a great story about the first time i met will smith and i've had a hard time um i have a hard time telling it because I feel like it's I feel like it's name droppy?

yeah you're running uphill whenever you say oh here's the time I met Will Smith get the fuck out of here do you still hang out with him? I think you need to you have to have a jamming fucking story if you want to bring up the time you met Will Smith

just to overcome the weight of carrying that story around but it's uh but it's all storytelling it's and it's you know do you write do you sit down to write stuff no I can't write a story because then it uh loses the story always works the first time I tell it on stage and if I ever could have ever videotaped it I'd be like bam that's how I need to tell it every time but you kind of almost in my the way I work is my brain I've got to feel the, like feel the beats and where they go and where they drop and where they hit. Right. And then, and if I write it, it just becomes very long-winded and all the jokes that would fit in on stage just don't fit. They're like longer themes.

So everything you talk about on stage is pretty much stories? Yeah, I would say. So you'd literally never sit down with a laptop and say, you know, I'm going to do the Russian mob story, then I'm going to do the Gary Green story. The Russian mob story has been the hardest one for me to tell on stage. I've done it. I did it on you ever done Elliot in the Morning in DC? No. I did Elliot in the Morning and I told it on

his show and then everyone would come to the show and be like, machine, machine! And then I'd get up at the end of the night and I'd be like, fuck, I gotta tell a story. That seems like a story you can tell on stage. I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try to start working it into shows, but it's also weird if, like,

I do the Fightin' a Bear story on stage. I do the story about my daughters. But yeah. Say, what if you did a special? you're gonna do a comedy central special i've done an hour you did an hour yeah when did you do this probably 18 months ago and when you did it did you feel like you have to write all new stuff after you did it yeah but that's but that's but i also get i feel like a hack if i tell old jokes i'm

very i don't like listening i feel like a phony a lot a lot I feel like a phony only because I don't like I guess when I when I got into stand-up I traded whatever my wife goes nuts about it I traded whatever brain I have that is the guy that gets a job at Dean Witter or whatever and has those luncheon stories and tells a story about golf last week I traded in them for every story is fucking funny Every story is funny And I'm fucking willing to mind anything And if it takes it

Like the Russian mom story I obviously shorten a massive chunk of that Because the real story is a little depressing The real story gets really depressing But if you tell it to people Then they fucking But there's something crazy about you robbing people. Do you tell the story about you working out in the bookstore?

Dude, you've got to tell that one. I was thinking about that. What if they... You never masturbated down there or did anything like that? No, there was a guy. There was a sign up. This is going to sound even crazier. There was a sign up when you'd go to hit an afraid elevator that said,

whoever... There was double doors. Whoever is urinating on this on this door please stop there's offices on the other side so i kept seeing that going wow that's so funny i bring the freight elevator down here to work out i wonder who's bringing it down to piss on these doors and then i started thinking what happens when you piss on these doors like does it it's got to be a fucking really good payoff for the fuck for them to for someone to really risk it every month and just do it and i was like i should do that i should definitely piss on those doors and then that's why i got caught because they were reviewing tape to find out who was pissing on the doors

and then they saw me working out and they were like well it's got to be him pissing on the doors too so i'm sure i got fucking for both of those yeah without a doubt but you know it's so funny like now that you the way my brain works I remember a telltale telling me I had a joke one time about my name's when I was growing up I tried tagging in my neighborhood so I got a can of spray paint and I was all

I was like son of a bitch I'm the only Bert that lives in this neighborhood and then I was like sucks dick and a telltale was like that's a great joke and I was like and as soon as he said that, I'm like, that's in every fucking act. So now that you say you should tell working out in the Barnes & Noble, as soon as you said that, my brain went, oh, that is good. I never saw it as good. I never thought it worthy to bring on stage.

Dude, that's a classic bit. I laughed. When you said that you know we have cameras down here, dude, that would crush. Yeah, now I'll tell it on stage. But that's the way my brain works. Like, I never thought about telling Tracy Morgan. And Jay's like, you've got to fucking tell it on stage. And I was like, meh.

Have you guys resolved that? I don't know. I think so. I mean, here's the thing is that if he wants to tell it, he can tell it. Right. I don't want to tell it. Do you make him say that it's Bert Kreischer? No, because I don't want Tracy Morgan fucking.

Tracy, one day, that fucking hen is coming back to roost. You think so? He's going to get mad at you? Come on. He's going to love you. First of all, he tells crazier stories than that every time he goes on the radio. You ever see the thing that he pulls his shirt off and goes, someone getting pregnant. He starts slapping his stomach.

Tracy Morgan's one of the most hilarious individuals around, but I just don't know him. So I don't want to... I only met him one time, so I don't want to, like, I only met him one time. So I don't want to. Yeah, but it's such a funny story. I don't think he, I think he, as a comic, would just go, that is a hilarious story. In a weird way also, though. And I think I admitted this to Jay. It's better, I enjoy the people coming to me and go, I heard that Tracy Morgan story of yours.

That's fucking hilarious. I enjoy that more than telling it every night on stage and having that to be my closer. And then every night, everyone's like, Tracy Morgan! And I'm like, ugh, fucking again. Why? It's a great story. I don't know. I don't know. That's an amazing story. It's a great story. It's a pretty fucking great story.

And I guarantee you, I guarantee you, Tracy Morgan would have no problem with you telling that. Tracy Morgan is like Joey Diaz. Except every now and then Joey Diaz would get upset at you telling the truth about some story well you got mad about marijuana well how about yeah how about the thing the other day yeah you're telling everybody on your podcast i didn't fucking show up for that show that one time but you didn't tell them i was over at eddie bravos i was at eddie bravo okay okay yeah i like i like that response he was at eddie bravos and then went to go see a movie yeah it, it was crazy. Meanwhile, people quoted on my website,

I ain't going to lie to you, dog. I never left Vegas. Did you ever do impressions? That's what he was in. What? Did you ever do impressions? You're really good at doing people's voices. He's been doing a lot of impressions lately.

You do Brian Callen and it's so subtle, but it really sounds like Brian Callen. I can do a few. I can do Alex Jones. Do Ari. Do Ari. Do Ari. Anybody realize I'm a Jew?

I can't really do Ari. I can't really do Ari. I have to know I can do people. Like, I can do, who do I do? I can do Alex Jones. I can do him real good. Yeah, you do do a good Alex Jones. Ladies and gentlemen, black helicopters have been spotted outside of Dallas, Texas right now. We're going to go live.

Infowars.com. That one and Joey Diaz are your two best. Those are my two best. I can do Mike Tyson. That's easy. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Pretty easy. I can do Scotty J from Boogie Nights.

Do you remember Boogie Nights? No. What an obscure fucking... Scotty J was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yes. Do you remember when... This is the only... It's not even words.

Do you remember when everyone saw Dirk Diggler's cock for the first time? Yes. And everyone had their moment. Burt Reynolds was smoking a cigar and kind of went like this. Everyone kind of went like this. And this is Scotty J. He was holding a boom mic, and he just went. That's the only impression I can give.

That's pretty good, dude. I think you nailed it. You brought me right back to that movie. I love that movie. When I first started out, I used to do impressions But I stopped doing them Because I felt like it was cheap Yeah I felt like it was cheap laughs

Because I would see guys That would go on stage And they would get laughs Just with impressions Meanwhile there's nothing wrong with that I mean it's kind of interesting To see someone do an impression It like gives you

Like some sort of a charge Like wow he does sound just like him Oh I was like I need four or five of those in my act Yeah Just to like Sprinkle them in between There was such a great like

DC Benny used to pull out a fucking this is my impression of a of a of a italian eye doctor what you looking at like and it was just like real quick dc benny wow i haven't thought about that that's i haven't seen that guy in forever i used to party with him and ben bailey and tony woods back when i was tony woods tony Tony Woods was one of my best friends. Tony Woods is fucking hilarious. Tony Woods is amazing. I think Dave Chappelle is very original. Don't get me wrong. But Tony Woods is like the original Dave Chappelle.

He's very similar style to Dave and really fucking funny. And I'm not saying that Dave stole from him. He's one of those guys that we've all known guys like that for whatever reasons. Like they're really funny, but this fucking thing doesn't get on the right track and something doesn't happen. And people don't know you're really funny.

You know, there's a few guys like that. We're like JB smooth, you know, JB smooth, making a lot of money now. He's a destroyer. He's always been a destroyer,

man. I was in, um, I did a gig in New Jersey once with JB.B. Smooth, and he was late. We both were late. We got lost. It was ridiculous directions. This is pre-navigation systems, okay?

This is like 1992, 91, and we're both pretty much scrubs. And we're both starting out, and we're doing these stupid gigs. And I did this college, and they were all excited to see me because I had done the NACA thing. And you get on stage, and I killed it, the NACA conference. I got all these bookings, and I did this college and they were all excited to see me because I'd done the NACA thing and you get on stage and I killed at the NACA conference and I got all these bookings and I was so excited. Well, I get there. I think I've told this story before, so I'll make it briefly. I get there and well, the opener's not here. J.B. Smoove was supposed to open. I was supposed to close. The opener's not here yet. So do you want to just sit down and watch TV? Okay. So I sit down in their little rec room and watch TV and I watch this fucking special On the Malibu fires

I don't know what year it was I'm assuming like 93, 92, 93 And it was devastating These people were crying And there was a kid walking around calling out for his dog And he's walking over these Burnt down foundations With smoke coming out

And they're calling every five seconds Mike, Mikey, Mikey Calling out for whatever the fuck the dog's name is and there's a guy who's a fireman and he's Crying and he's crying talking about this house is the only thing that you know He worked his whole life to build this fucking house. Well, the opener hasn't come so we're just gonna throw you up. Is that okay? Yeah, okay And I didn't know Back then like there's I had to learn a bunch of times that you have to get yourself into a certain state of mind before you go on stage. That you can't just try to perform.

You have to put your mind. When you're 21 or whatever the fuck I was and no one's telling you what to do, you can kind of develop really loose habits when it comes to your stand-up. So I went up there, dude, and I did not know how to start the show off. I didn't expect to be starting the show off, so I didn't prepare for that. I prepared to be following the guys, so I didn't have anything. When you start a show off from scratch, you've got to settle everybody in, you've got to calm everybody down,

get control of the room, then start with some jokes and open strong. Open strong so that they think it's worth following you and paying attention. I did neither of these things. All I did was go on stage and think about these poor fucking people that lost their houses to The fire so then for whatever reason a joke bombs right and then I just say I Shouldn't watch that fucking show. I'm sorry. This is what I did right before I went on stage I watched this documentary about all these people in Malibu who lost their houses to fires and I'll go and I'm fucking depressed

documentary about all these people in Malibu who lost their houses to fires. And I'll go, and I'm fucking depressed. And the audience is like 200 kids. They're like, what are you, why are you telling us this? Are you a fucking comedian? Like, what are you here for? I'm really depressed, guys. It was terrible. And then J.B.

Smooth finally showed up. So he goes on after I eat dick for half an hour. He goes up and just crushes. And it was exactly what they want. He was silly and high energy. And, you know, he just picked up the ball where I left it in a pile of dog shit and just ran with it. But he's another guy. It's like, why is that guy not a giant fucking huge star?

Tony Woods, Brian, I'm imagining you've never seen him do stand-up. Tony Woods, no. He used to go on and purposely, literally not speak for the first two minutes. What? Tony Woods would not speak. Really? And just get himself organized, real slow delivery, and then he'd say something like,

I know what you're thinking. A joke would be good to write about now. But I'm black, and just when I get to work doesn't mean I start working. I got to walk around for 15 minutes and see who to go. He was so fucking, he was like my zen master when I started comedy. Like just really fucking, like just, like I'd tell a story and be like, that story's good. I told a story one night about a fucking old girl on the waitstaff.

I worked at the Boston Comedy Club and I lasted like two seconds. And she got really fucking pissed and started yelling at me after it. And I was like, and I didn't give a shit. I was fucking drunk and we were in my hotel room and I was like, listen, you can't do that shit.

I was telling her on stage. I was like, you can't do that shit. And she was like, fuck you, fuck you. You better go online and learn how to read a manual about how to fuck somebody. And I was like,

and I was like, I was like, you know what? I don't care. I got, I fucked you. I win. And she was like, ah, and then I go, and you're getting out of here. You're going to Brooklyn. And so she was like, you know what? I don't care. I got, I fucked you. I win. And she was like, ah. And then I go, and you're getting out of here. You're going to Brooklyn.

And so she was like, motherfucker. And then got all dressed, got to my door. I still am totally naked with a beer in my hand. She's at my door. And she was like, I swear to God, I fuck you. And then looked at me and went, huh. And that. And I went, gah.

And then we both started laughing. I slammed the door. And then she pounded on every door in my building going, Bert Kreiser can't fuck. Bert Kreischer can't fuck. Bert Kreischer can't fuck. Is this true? This is a true story, yeah. And so I get done and I tell it on stage.

And then I get off and Tony Woods goes, all right, number one, don't ever tell that story ever again. Why? I go, why not? And he goes, no one wants to hear that shit. All right, let's leave. Tony was just like the best to be around. Why? Well, he's wrong.

I want to hear that story all day. No, no, no. He lives in D.C. I give him a call every time I'm in D.C. Why would he say not to tell that story? Because you don't want people

to know that you can't fuck? I don't know. So that's a black-white thing. Black guys never want to talk about how bad they are in bed. Yeah, there's a lot of things that are different. I remember we did a show

with Donnell Rollins and Red Grant with the two black comics and they were like, oh man, you never run a train on nobody? I was like, no, I've never run a train on anybody. And they're like, oh man, that must just be a hood thing. And I was like, wait, you guys

like fuck a girl at the same time? And he's like, yeah, everyone ran trains on people. I was like, I've never once ran a train. I go, that's kind of gay. And they're like no that's not gay at all i go what the fuck it's really gay like a bunch of guys like playing leaky submarine with some girl just walk walk walk there's a hole back here but uh and but that's another thing i don't think that has nothing to do with brothers that's just freaks seriously just

weren't hanging out with wild people man i guarantee you two to trend topic who uh running trains dude people run trains in all races Really? Have you ever run a train? Listen, we're on the podcast This is on the internet right now I've only had sex with you Can you guess how many people you've had sex with? No

Really? I've got like 8 That's good, you're doing well My wife was it About 7 more than I expected. I'm thinking after that waitress, she just called it quits, but then I remembered you had a daughter. I don't know, man. I stopped counting. When you're a comic and you're on the road, things get squirrely.

When you're a single man, you can do whatever you want. Things can get squirrely. When you're a single man, you can do whatever you want. Things can get squirrely. Oh, my God. How many comics do you know that would literally, that's what they were looking for more than even doing comedy? They just wanted to get laid after shows. Oh, every single one. We know a lot of guys.

I know guys that have damaged their careers because they don't write. They don't do anything. All they do is try to go up on stage and kill and hope they meet a girl after the show. That was the way I wrapped my head around the store really i thought the store was all like fucking ahmed sebastian steve brett i thought mike young i thought they all just went up murdered just to fuck and then i was like you think they did is that do you think that that's like a is that a valid thought or is that just your own weird paranoia? I think that's a semi-valid thought.

I think that's a semi-valid thought. I did a tour with those guys once and they were just like, I was doing more time. They're like, what the fuck are you doing? We were each doing like 20 minutes and I was doing 30. They're like, what are you doing 30 for?

Let's get out of here. And I was like, bye. Let's go to a bar. Yeah, let's go to a bar. Let's fucking fucking do this. Tell everybody we're at a party. I was like, I'm married. I want to do time.

That's funny. You wanted to do extra stand-up and they wanted to a bar. Let's fucking fucking dance. Tell everybody we're at a party. I was like, I'm married. I want to do time. That's funny. You wanted to do extra stand-up, and they wanted to get off quicker. So what they're worried about, see, if there's Mike Young, Brent Ernst, and Aaron, was it Aaron Kater, all in one room, and then you want to be the first guy offstage, because you want to be the one to attack quick. That's crazy. You don't want to get there after Mike Young's already taken her into the bathroom. Yeah.

You've got to be careful. Fucking Mike Young. God. Mike Young. Mike, Mike into the bathroom Could be careful Fucking Mike Young God Mike Young His middle name isn't Mike isn't young anymore That's what it should be He eats like a crazy man too Does he?

Oh yeah He's got that pancreatic cancer in his family What's that? He's got cancer Brain cancer Pancreatic So have you ever eaten with him? You've eaten with him

What does he eat? He just eats very healthy Like we went to Hooters one day And he had chicken breast And a bowl of lettuce or pancreatic. So have you ever eaten with him? I've eaten with him. What does he eat? He just eats very healthy. Like we went to Hooters one day and he had chicken breast and a bowl of lettuce and I was like, what?

And he was like, man, I gotta keep my healthy, my shit clean. Cancer runs in my family and it just creeps up and you die. Wow. Yeah.

That's creepy. Like he doesn't drink beers. He'll do shots of tequila. Oh, that's healthy. That's real good for you. Yeah. What the fuck is that? I don't know.

That's so fucking stupid. Joey Diaz has started smoking cigarettes again. What? Yeah, what is he doing? Wait, how? I don't know That's so fucking stupid Joey Diaz has started Smoking cigarettes again What? Yeah what is he doing? Wait how I saw him smoking He didn't just start

It's been going on for a while He smoked one at the airport The other day Yeah he's been doing it for a while He was telling me That he only smokes them Before shows But then I saw him

Smoking one at the airport What's going on? He's also How old is Joey Diaz? You know Joey Diaz Joe It's like Bigfoot When he dies There will be be no record of him.

Who do you want to speak at your funeral? No one. No one. Light me on fire. Who gives a fuck? Are you serious? Yeah, stupid. I don't want a bunch of people standing around crying because I'm gone.

Are you serious? Yeah, I don't like going to them. I hate funerals. I've skipped the last three friends that died. When friends die, I mourn them in my own mind and think about them, but I'm not into it. Really? So when did he start smoking? Because I see him the other day with a cigarette.

I go, what the fuck is going on? Well, you know what I found out? Brian, did you tell me or did Ari tell me? Ari told me, Joey's outside smoking. And I go, did we just smoked? I thought he meant weed. He goes, no, no, he's smoking that other stuff. I go, other stuff? Ari said that? Yeah. And then we

were working in Brea. And then I went outside and Joey's smoking a cigarette with you. And I go, what are you doing? Just gets the fucking party started. Just gets the blood pumping. You know what I'm saying? Right before I go on stage. I go, you smoking cigarettes again? No, no, no. Right before I go up. Right before I go up. Just get a little taste. Get a little fucking, makes me crazy. Makes me nuts. I just want to go up there and go up. Right before I go up. Just get a little taste. Get a little fucking makes me crazy.

Makes me nuts. I just want to go up there and go fucking nuts on these motherfuckers. It's been a while. Actually, I've known about it for maybe a year. Wow. Does Terry still smoke? Does his girl still smoke? I don't think she does, but she did last time I saw her.

She did last time you saw her? Which was how long ago? Not long ago at all. The drunk cast. Did the UFC drunk cast. I don't like people dabbling in cigarettes, man. It's a scary thing. Joe, we had on Ari's podcast yesterday on Death Squad,

we had Mack Lindsey. And he was, I don't know if you saw it or not, but he was talking about how he grew up being a huge drug addict, homeless, meth head. And he did like Doug Stanhope's show while he was on meth. Doug would have talked to him for five years. It's a pretty interesting interview. The one thing, he's like, everything else, I haven't touched anything for five years

and everything, but fucking cigarettes, I can't fucking do it. He's like, I've tried so many times. He's like, it's impossible. He's like, I'll quit. It's just amazing how, I mean, meth even. That's why I'm looking at Joey and I'm like, what makes you think? You had a real hard time for years. He would tell me, Joe Rogan, that's the hardest fucking thing I ever had to quit.

Those cigarettes, there's something in them. They get in your bones. They never leave. They get in your fucking sweat and your blood. They get in there and you can't get them out, Joe Rogan. You can't get them out. And now I see it. I see someone smoking.

It makes me sick. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can't believe I ever did that. So to see him smoking again after all that. Even though you say that, which is what I would say, too, when I quit. Yeah, that's what you did say when you quit. In the back of your head, though, every time you smell it or see a cigarette, you still think. I still think about it.

I haven't smoked in well over 20 years. What does it make you feel? Like what happens when it – You want it. You crave it. What does it give you? What is the feeling like? Because no one – see, when you smoke pot, you sit back and you're like, whoa.

Like you feel it hit you. It's instant. It changes your outlook. It gives you an altered perception. It's like it changes your body. It makes you more sensitive. I see people smoking cigarettes and I'm like, you're still the same guy. Like nothing happened.

It relaxes you. It does relax you. It relax it relaxes you it does relax tobacco for a long time no for the same reason yeah i'd shoot tobacco because like i couldn't imagine doing this what we're doing right now without a dip in my mouth really i couldn't imagine i could not imagine if you if you someone would come in to like our lounge and our fraternity or or into my apartment and be like dude you're never going to believe what happened i'd'd be like, give me a second. Let me get a dip. Because a good story was like You had to have a dip first. Man, Sal from Sal's Comedy Hall

is addicted to cigars. Holy shit, that guy is just... I go, how many do you smoke a day? He's like, all day. I go, all day? And he smokes them when they're just a blob of crap. And then he goes and gives somebody money to go buy them more. Does he inhale them? No, you don't inhale cigars Some people do

Really? Yeah, that's why I mean, usually people that are addicted to cigars inhale them Yeah, most people are addicted to cigars Like, I smoke cigars, but I don't inhale them So if I have one, it's going to be because my dad's in town Or someone says, hey, would anyone like a cigar? Like, I don't need a cigar

Dude, you want to come with me, man I got a membership at the Grand Havana Room I got a humidor up there and everything Seriously? Yeah You don't smoke cigars? Yeah, I do. I do. Me and my friend Matt, we go there every now and then. We're little butt buddies.

We have our names on the plaque together. We share a box. We got a bunch of Cuban cigars. Is that Beverly Hills? Yeah, you sit down and you feel like a fat cat. All these assholes. What's really interesting is how many celebrities go there and see, look, it's David Caruso who looks a million years old, by the way. It's like, wow, that's the guy from NYPD Blue.

Now he's become this weird sort of a caricature with his sunglasses and the CSI Miami. Those shows, man. You're doing one of those shows, man. You want to talk about a life-changing thing. That's your new life, pal. Really? Your new life, it revolves around this show that you're doing because you're going to film it most of the year and you're going to film it most of the year

and you're going to film it most of the day, most of the week. Almost the entire week, you're going to be spent filming five, six days a week, 12-hour days, sometimes more depending on what shots need to get done. Those fucking shows are brutal. I've had a bunch of offers. I've had a few things come my way where they wanted

to meet me for something like that. I'm like, what is it? Single camera drama. Stop. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop rehearsing. I'm not doing it. You don't seem like a five-year plan kind of guy.

The more time goes on, man, the more I am just enjoying doing comedy, doing the podcast, and doing the UFC. And I wish the UFC, I would like to do less of those. I love doing it, but sometimes I travel just a bit too much. I would love it if it was like in LA or something like that. But sometimes it's hard, but when I'm there, I never wish I was anywhere else. It's I will, I'm enjoying everything I do. So I'm very careful right now to make sure that I don't take on anything else that I don't enjoy. Cause right now my life is like a

little masterpiece. Like I've got it set up. So I'm like, when I'm in town, I'm enjoying everything I'm doing. I have the greatest group of friends. And a part of it is this podcast. And now because of this podcast, the people that are coming to see me at the shows are different. It's like now they're all podcast fans. And they really know where the fuck I'm coming from and where we're all coming from. I mean, Brian gets fucking huge rounds of applause when he goes on stage now. Brian did like five-minute sets in Portland.

He gets huge rounds of applause. Ari does too. Huge, huge round of applause in Seattle. Brian stage now brian did like five minute sets and in portland gets huge rounds of applause ari does too huge huge round of applause in seattle brian's the puff daddy of podcasts balling bro but it's you know it's all good stuff it's not like when i was doing fear factor it was like it was a great job it was you know it paid ridiculous money and it was really easy it was three days a week but during those three days i would wish i was doing something else you know and i did it you it happily because it was a lot of money. But there's never a time when I'm doing a podcast, never a time when I'm doing stand-up, never a time when I'm doing the UFC where I go, wow, I wish I was doing something else. Every time there's a UFC, I'm like, fuck yeah, here we go.

You know, the boom, boom, the sound comes on, the lights dim, first fight starts. I'm like, woo, I punch knuckles with Mike Goldberg. Here we go. Every time, man. I'm like a little kid. First fight starts. I'm like, woo! I punch knuckles with Mike Goldberg. Here we go. Every time, man. I'm like a little kid. I love it. There's never a time where I'm like, God, I can't believe I'm sitting here watching fights. Never.

Never. And stand up right before I'm going to go on stage. There's never a time where I'm like, fuck, I can't believe I'm doing stand up. Never. Never. Never. Now, how much does money incorporate into any of your decision making? Well, it has to.

But luckily, I make good money from the UFC, and I make good money from stand-up. So it doesn't have to. It's like as long as those things are covered, then I don't have to think about it. It's when they're not covered, then it has to become an issue. How much? Okay, go ahead. Let's say when I first started doing Fear Factor, I was not making really good money with stand-up. I was doing news radio, the sitcom.

Can you tell me how much you were making on stand-up back then? A few grand a week. Like a couple grand? A couple grand. Okay. Yeah, two grand, $2,500 maybe on a good week. But I was doing like Thursday through Sunday, you know. Maybe news radio was a little more than that towards the end because it was $99 when I put out

my CD and that definitely helped. I was getting paid better in clubs. And there were some places where I could sell out. But it was inconsistent and it's few and far between. So like when something like Fear Factor came up, it was like, well, here's a good chance to make really good money, you know? And when you say like 2,500 people go, wow, that's a lot of money. But then, you know, when you take away agent's fees, manager's fees, and also business manager. And consider you're also in a different tax bracket because you're on news radio. So I can tell you exactly how much you walk away with $2,500.

That was my rate. Yeah, you walk away with $0.30 on the dollar. $0.35 on the dollar. It's ridiculous. Yeah, it's ridiculous. But that's just the way it is. So you have to make good money to stay ahead of the curve. And then if you want to be able to relax, you have to have enough in the bank so you don't worry if something happens.

You have to have enough in the bank so you don't worry, you know, if something happens, you know, you want, I mean, financial freedom, the real financial freedom is not, it's not the freedom to, you know, like to buy things and to own things. The real financial freedom is to not worry about money. That's the, that's the number one thing. Get yourself in a place where you could feed yourself and, and, and, and be able to, Brian Callen said this to me once and I really took it to heart and he goes, I, he goes, being rich, I'd like to be rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what I want to do? So I want to be able to go to a nice restaurant whenever I want, go to a nice restaurant. And I'm like, that's so true. Like be

able to eat at a nice place and never go, well, how much is the steak? 28. How much is the fish? 24. You know that feeling? Which I mean, even in this, you know, I mean that. I mean, I clearly remember thinking like that. That's real financial freedom. You don't have to think about stuff. So the way I've got everything set up, man, it's like I'm in a real good spot right now. So I've got to be real careful about taking on any other things. Yeah. I talked about pitching this show right now.

It's sort of based on some of the ideas that came up on the podcast. But really, the more I'm thinking about it, The more I'd rather just put cameras on the podcast That seems like the most ideal thing Because we're pretty much doing it already Might as well do it Out of all the things in your career I would say this is probably the most And this is just as a person

Who's obviously been a fan of yours And I'd say a friend somewhat But this is probably the most representative of you and this is this is your this is the one thing that i think when you pass people will go dude his podcast was fucking yeah that was before people were really like doing them and and it was just it was breaking ground i mean it was like and it was his it's your personality your stand up's your personality but it also has to to be delivered in a one-two set. There is a payoff at every moment in your stand-up. So you will compromise, despite how much people

will argue this, you will compromise your voice for a joke a lot of times. Yes, it's different. And I don't feel like I have to get my voice out anymore. I used to feel like there were certain things that I wanted to say on stage that maybe I couldn't say because I couldn't condense it into a joke form. I don't feel like that anymore. There's a lot of stuff that I have. There's a lot of weird thoughts that I have that I've expressed on the podcast and I've explored in depth that almost have no payoff

as far as humor. My idea about the whole universe being some complex mathematical problem. Every literal thing that goes on is just a part of some giant fucking algorithm. This is something I've been dwelling on for a long, long time. There's nothing humorous in that. But we've discussed it on the podcast a bunch of times.

I totally believe that in parallel states. Yeah. I fucking totally believe in that shit. I believe that. Do you ever think to yourself, like, I can't believe I'm still alive. No. Brian does. Because Brian ate onions this morning And his heart almost fucking exploded

His onions and his heart palpitation Brian has this super hot girl Can you tell the story you were telling me Right before you started the show About how lazy you are Oh yeah sure Tell this This is how ridiculous this motherfucker is

First of all This girl is dating Ten Okay Ten Solid ten Not ten face But a six personality Not ten face, but a 6 personality.

Not 10 face, but a 5 body. She's a fucking 10. She's a 10. LA 10. It's an LA 10. An LA 10. Legit 10. Fucking.

I don't use LA 10s. I use 10s. I don't judge anybody in any other way. This is it. Okay. Straight up across the board. No doubt. I was just too tired to have sex.

What's wrong with that? No, tell me what you did. I went down on her. She had orgasms. And I was like, I'm good. tired to have sex. What's wrong with that? No, tell me what you did. I went down on her. She had orgasms. And I was like, I'm good. Going to bed. Dude, you need to go to a doctor. All right.

You need to get your fucking blood work done. Find out you need niacin in your diet. Incorporate some squats. Get off the cigarettes. The other day, we had sex. My wife would hate that I'm talking about this. Don't let her know we have a podcast. My wife couldn't figure out a fucking computer.

It's broken. I don't, why does it always break when I touch it? Cause you're fucking retarded. And so she says, um, we, I,

I, my whole thing is go oral first and then we'll do Tuesdays. Right. And so we had oral sex and then she said, I said, all right. And she goes, well, what about just me? Doesn't that ever happen? Like so often it's just you. Really?

Of course. You get head all the time? No, no. Just squirt it in there and go to sleep? Yeah, just be like, sorry. Really? Do you do that? You don't?

Do you realize how different we are, Joe? I enjoy eating pussy. I've talked about it many times. I do, too. I do, too. Even if I'm not horny and they're horny, I'll be like, oh, dude, I'll totally take care of you. You don't get horny once you're eating pussy, though? That's the gayest thing I've just heard in my life.

Yeah, it's pretty good. That's like saying, yeah, I'll go out to eat with you and I'll just chew it and spit it on the floor. I'm going to fucking swallow it, Brian. I'm going to go Bill Burr on your ass. Don't talk about it on RSS feeds. I'm not saying that's what I do every time. Last night, I was so fucking tired. I'm going to go Bill Burr on your ass. Don't talk about it on RSS feeds. I'm not saying that's what I do every time. Last night,

I was so fucking tired. I've never been too tired to fuck. I've never done that in my life. I've never been too tired to drink. I woke up and took care of her.

But Brian, you were not aroused at all? I was half asleep last night. I seriously was so fucking actually, I take it back. I know why I did it.

On top of being so tired, I was fucking stuffed out of my mind. I made these huge garlic steaks and vegetables and stuff. So it was more just kind of like, you know what? I'm just not feeling it. Your system has just crawled down to a halt, kid. You know where you're supposed to take a nap after you eat a big meal. And she wants her box eaten.

And she's a 10? Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, he falls asleep. I mean, I maybe could consider eating. She's licking it. She goes, uh, uh, uh. He's meanwhile he falls asleep. That's tough. I mean, I maybe could consider eating. He's licking it. She goes, uh, uh, uh. He's like, thank God. I could maybe consider that if I had taken an Ambien and had one of those sleepwalking episodes.

And my wife's like, you woke up in the middle of the night and ate my pussy. You don't remember that? And I'm like, I must have been the Ambien. But I can't imagine just doing that sober. Do you ever worry that she's going to think that you're not attracted to her if you don't fuck her when you eat her rocks? No, because normally... I wish we were at my house right now

so I could just go grab my trash can. We normally fuck like six times a day. Grab your trash can? Wait, what are you doing with a trash can? Grab your trash can. Condoms, son. Oh, God. Jesus Christ.

The national average is six times a month. I know. That's what my normal average is, too. I'm below the average for fucking paraplegics. I'm very lucky because she's one of those girls that you can just touch her in the arms. She goes, oh, shit. You know like that? It's just fucking...

Why do I find listening to you fuck talks so distasteful? There's something about it. I'm like, I'm going like this With my mouth She's one of those girls That always grabs your hand When you're just in the middle Of a conversation

And she just puts her hand In her pussy And it's just like Juiced Oh one of those girls Yeah Those don't exist in my world Okay

Never I've never had a Well you have a very small Like test group You're working with Eight people I'm target marking Out of Iowa

I'm trying to learn how rice krispies sell only in this one city didn't you say that your show is um targeted like that whole network is targeted towards women towards women yes network he's on a travel channel which by the way one of my favorite shows two two of my favorite shows uh anthony bourdain's no reservations i fucking love that show great a great show and made it really recommended some great restaurants to me because of that show i found out about a great seafood place. God, I can't remember the name. In Austin.

It would be great if I could pull the name out of my ass. But it was a fantastic seafood place in Austin that I found out about. I found out about places in L.A. I found out about a place in L.A., a Mexican joint that serves goats. They have giant fucking sides of goat. And they're sawing it with a bandsaw and cooking it all together they cook like hundreds of pounds of goat every day it's amazing you know i found out about a bunch of great places and then also that steve ranella show

yeah you said did not get such good ratings uh-huh yeah maybe you shouldn't be yeah but no it might be done do amazing they're gonna bring it back you think i doubt it really i don't i'm speculating What the fuck do I know? I know nothing Good fucking show It was a good show But you know here's the thing

Is that you know For a first season show You kind of got to hit a home run I mean there's Because it's you know People get just as excited about new projects As they do successes But they don't get excited for shows that did pretty good

Well also when you're dealing with a women-based network, man, it's going to be hard to promote a show about hunting. I think all networks, I mean, almost all networks really target women. No, not at all. Not Spike and not Comedy Central.

18 to 34 males are where the money is. That's what they always target. Really? Yeah, always. Maybe I got our demographic off, but I could have swear. As far as, I mean, obviously you can make a lot of money if you're Oprah, but as far as the people that spend the most, it's 18 to 34-year-old males. That's the 18 to 49 occasionally, depending on how far they want to stretch their demographic. I want to say we're like 23 to 52.

But I bet Travel and Food Network, and there's a couple of those that all do women. I could see that totally. Even though I love the Food Network. And Anthony Bourdain. Anthony Bourdain's show is very male-centric, I would think. The way he discusses things and talks about things and drinks a lot. He's a fun fucking show. Yeah, but I think even Adam Richman's show is very...

Women love it. But women like... I mean, I think women will watch a guy they, they, they want to connect with, connect with, you know, like, you know, that's what I think was a big fear of my show is that I'm kind of a meathead.

I'm like a Forrest Gump frat boy. Right. So like who wants to watch a guy scream all over the world and jump? And then they underestimated your charm. Exactly. That's what I said. Bitches. Bitches need to step.

But now, but our show's doing good. And you told me this Adam Richman guy, this man versus food, he got so fucking fat that he doesn't even do the challenges anymore? I never said that, Joe. Oh, okay. You didn't say that. No, I didn't say that. What I heard on the internet...

It wasn't you. I'm sorry. It wasn't you. What I heard on the internet was that this guy got so fucking fat that he doesn't do the challenges anymore. Is that true? No. He's not doing the challenges anymore. What the fuck is that? That's the whole show, though. I don't think he got fat.

I think he just fucked his body up. I think it's just very unhealthy. The reason why I said this is there was a thread about it on my message board. This was a long time ago before I even talked to anybody about it. And it showed a picture of him from season one. To what season is he in now? Season four. Poor fuck. Yeah, but his body just, you know, he does all the cleanses. a picture of him from season one to what season is he in now season four poor fuck yeah he's but

he's his body just you know he does all the like cleanses and detoxes and even still was just like it's like fuck i'm it's well he's eating 30 pound cheeseburgers you can't do that show you can't do that show for six seasons for 20 seasons so they had to kind of change it i think to make it more of a sustainable show for so it could carry on that long. Now it's called Man vs. Food Nation. They're doing it where he brings in... They did the Nasty Boys in Tampa. I definitely shouldn't be

talking about his show. Don't talk about his show, bro. But yeah. Let's talk about Burt the motherfucking Conqueror and tell these bitches when they can watch it. When is it on? Sunday nights at 8 o'clock. Sunday nights at 8 o'clock. I will now set my DVR. Burt is a fucking hero. He's one of my favorite human beings on the planet.

That is the nicest comment ever. You're an awesome dude, man. You've got a great laugh. You've got a great personality. Your stories are the shit. Pretty lips. Please tell that fucking Barnes & Noble story on stage. It's going to be a crusher, dude.

You can do that Russian one, too. Burt Kreischer, if you want to follow Burt on Twitter, you can follow him. It is B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. That's a complicated-ass fucking name. You should change that. Burt is cool or something. Can you change your handle? Burt is da shit.

Can you change Burt at... I used to be JoeRogan.net. It used to be D-O-T-N-E-T, but it was so long, it was impossible to retweet me. If I said anything funny, you would have to chop it all up because there was too many words. If I tried to use... The new Twitter, you can retweet

something and it just retweets it in its entirety. It's a separate 140 characters. But it used to not be that. It used to be that when you retweeted something, you had to account for all the characters inside their name. You don't have to do that anymore? No, no, you don't have to do that anymore. On Twitter, you just hit retweet and it can just take care

of it the way it is. So, anyway, and some dude had Joe Rogan. Wait, what can I change mine to? Just do it. Make sure it's something that is memorable. You don't have to do your last name, like Bert K. How about Bert Likes to Fuck? Yeah. Or Berturt the Machine? And tell your wife about it just all nonchalantly.

Yeah, I changed my Twitter name to Burt Likes to Fuck. What? Burt Likes to Fuck who? I just like it in general. Yeah, I just like it. I'm not saying I don't like it with you. It's the awesomest. It's the greatest thing ever. Man, your fans are ridiculous on Twitter. Last time I did this show, I got like 3,000

fans. Really? Well, we want you to get 3,000 more today. And time I did this show, I got like 3,000 fans. Really? Well, we want you to get 3,000 more today. And anytime, I told you, anytime you ever have a show, please let me know and I'll tweet it

and we'll pump it up on the podcast. I want one of those so bad. You want a flashlight? I got one for you. Are you serious? Yeah. It's so awkward to buy one.

Well, you don't have to buy one. I'll give you a free one. Joe used that one last night. No, I didn't use that one. I haven't used any of the ones that are laying around here. If you go to joerogan.net and click the link,

we want to thank, first of all, thank the Fleshlight for being our sponsor. It's a cool company and it's embarrassing for a lot of people and now it's become

10 minutes of my act right now. I did a joke. Strong. I made a joke the other day on stage. I don't remember the reference. I don't know how it came out, but I made a joke

about a Fleshlight and said, I said, yeah, and then just type in the promo code Rogan. And the place went fucking bananas. Because they were podcast fans? Yeah, but it was in Irvine. And I just said, just type in the promo Rogan.

And they fucking went crazy. That's hilarious. Well, you said you had a lot of people come up to you in Irvine. Dude, I have more people come up to me from your show than my TV show. Wow. And I love it because your comedy fans are like straight up comedy fans. They don't fucking heckle. They don't drink too much

and get fucking kicked out. They're just good. Just random. I told you a girl from HGTV listens to this. A woman, one of the heads of directors of HGTV was like, I heard you on the Rogan podcast. HDTV? HG. That's Holman Garden. I thought you were talking about HD.

That makes sense because that's like the fight network. And they were like straight up like, I was like, shut up. Oh, that's awesome. Hi to her. Hey. Listen, the best thing about this podcast is that we develop like a real connection with all these people. And it's like, you know, what people tell me is it's like they're hanging out with us. You know what I mean?

Dude, the best testament to this show, and I swear this on my children, when I'm on the road, I'll put on the podcast and put it on low in the pillow next to me and just feel like I'm listening to friends talking in the other room. And it puts me to sleep and I just go... But a lot of times I had to stop because I would... Whip a dick out and feel weird. Yeah. I can't do it to a new one because I'll end up

listening to the whole fucking thing. I have to do the old reruns and it needs to be Ari. Like someone... Ari's got free energy. Like just very like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And I've listened to the one where you guys... Is that your Ari impression?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But the one where you guys had the blackout? Yeah. Still, I listened to that a million times because I love listening to...

I love that he passes out halfway through. Yeah, he was completely gone. Well, Joey got so tired because he ate a cookie and he smoked joints and he hit the bag. He hit the vaporizer bag too. He gets so hot. He goes down a downward spiral.

Joey's the reason why I found out the difference between Indica's and Sativa's. Really? Because I never smoked Indica's. I really didn't realize that there was so much of a difference until I smoked Joey's weed. Me and Brian and Duncan were hanging out in Houston, Texas. We were in the lobby of the hotel and we were just sitting there slack-jawed and no one was moving.

No one was going anywhere. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with us? And then I think it was Duncan that realized it, right? He goes, I think we just smoked Joey's weed. Oh no, what have we done? Because Joey's just like, I just like to get blasted, dog. I don't give a fuck, alright? OG Kush, what do you got there? Third Eye, Trainwreck, come with it, no. What have we done? Because Jelly's just like, I just like to get blasted, dog. I don't give a fuck, all right?

OG Kush, what do you got there? Third Eye, Trainwreck, come with it, bitches. Come with it. He'll just, whatever the fuck you got, man. He'll smoke it. But he used to be on, he doesn't do it anymore. Now he likes hybrids, which are good, because hybrids give you that heady thing,

but it also relaxes you. It's good for comedy. I might like hybrids. Whenever I get the chance To have a regular life Maybe I'll take up Weed smoking then But I can't do it now

I'm fucking all over the place You could dude Look We're going to get you In an isolation tank We're going to get you Some exercise videos To follow

We are going to rebuild Bert Kreischer Thank you to The Fleshlight For sponsoring our show If you go to JoeRogan.net Click in the code name

Rogan You get 15% off Folks who are uh interested in coming to uh see me in toronto there's a very few tickets left they're almost out and the only way you can get them now ticket hall ticket master sold out but if you go to my um twitter there's a there's a link for the massey hall is um where i'm playing and they have uh they have tickets available on their website. But that's it, and I can't fucking wait. It's going to be awesome. I can't wait to go there.

Thank you, everybody that came to Portland. Portland was the shit. One of my new favorite towns. Thanks, everyone. Fucking awesome place. Nicest people ever. Nicest people. Everybody was super cool, and like I said, never been handed more weed ever in my life after shows.

I felt bad. I had to be like, take your weed. I can't take this. I know. I have too much. I can't take this. I know. I have too much. I can't bring it home with me. Philly is all sold out, I believe. We put in a second show Thursday night,

and that might be the only thing that there's tickets left. So that's Helium in Philly, which is next weekend, and that's with Joey and Ari. It's the full death squad, bitches. Brian Woodgub, his cow's having her birthday, and he has to eat her box. So that's it, folks, and we'll see you Thursday. And Friday is going to be Kevin from Attack of the Show. Really?

Yeah, a special Friday episode. The guy, Kevin Pereira. Pereira. How do you pronounce his last name? Kevin, I should know this. That guy, he's very cool. I should know this. That guy. He's very cool. I've known him many times.

And I never... I don't figure out how to... We'll figure it out. We're going to get to the bottom of this. And that'll be Friday at 3. And somebody else on Thursday. I'm not sure. Maybe Steve Ren is easy if he's home.

All right, bitches. You know, I love you. Thank you very much for tuning in. Thank you very much for coming out to all the shows and for everything you do. And for being a part of this fucking crazy experience we're all going through together. Bert Kreischer's in the motherfucking house ladies and gentlemen thank you burt appreciate it brother thank you joe thank you brian subscribe to death squad watch my show this sunday yeah watch burt kreischer's show please Thank you.