The Joe Rogan Experience - #955 - Al Madrigal

Episode Date: May 4, 2017

Al Madrigal is a comedian and actor. He was a regular correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and is a co-founder of the All Things Comedy podcast network, alongside Bill Burr. His new special "Shrimpin' Ain't Easy" premieres on Showtime on May 5 at 9pm Family Friendly.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 For sure? Live? Yeah How magical, how are you buddy? It's a toughness You're a fucking responsible guest I just want to give you props for that

You took your phone, you shut that bitch off And you put it aside Well it's a big thing for me also Just as a comedian in comedy clubs Like you start seeing the comedy store become popular And I started noticing a bunch of chicks in there Just looking at their phones non-stop. Mmm. I even put this thing on my phone It's an app called moment that tracks how long I'm using it and what I'm using

So if I get over a certain amount, I'm like I gotta fucking put this thing down. That's very smart We're all monkeys. Yeah, I can look at dad this thing is fascinating the dopamine so I mean yeah fucking looking down at this thing it's fascinating the dopamines i mean uh yeah i have a 15 year old son and non-stop yeah whitney cummings was explaining all the like the actual chemical responses that go on like you literally do become addicted to that phone sure and there's a lot of good shit on there yes that's the problem yeah but i mean how many times do you find yourself like about to go to bed and just like hitting refresh, checking Twitter feeds, maybe some interesting news stories coming up. Maybe there's something I missed.

Let me go check Instagram. Maybe there's a crazy picture that I didn't see. It's okay to miss it. It is okay to miss it. It's totally okay to miss it. I go, I admire what Ari did. He stepped away from the whole fucking smartphone completely. Just had a full conversation with him about it yesterday because i said you had three

things happen that allowed you to completely check out and go on this trip of yours i go you have no kids you're no kids you have no wife you have no family no dog no dog nothing you wouldn't he moved to new york i sold him i sold him like sort of gave him all of my furniture because he was moving to new york when I was leaving New York. So I'm like, dude, have all this shit. Oh, that's right. You were there for the Daily Show. There for the Daily Show.

And then I took off. I was commuting back and forth because I left my family in L.A. And I took the gig. So on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'd work in New York. And then I'd fucking fly back. Oh, Jesus. It was a horrible mistake. Trust me.

We talked about that before you did it. And I was like, man, I don't believe you're doing this. I killed myself. My back is Oh, Jesus. It was a horrible mistake. Trust me. We talked about that before you did it, and I was like, man, I don't believe you're doing this. I killed myself. My back is all fucked up. I was telling Callan, like I said, I was a cashew shaped. Oh, you're humping forward? Oh, my God.

It's horrible. If I crack my whole back, when you're in an airline seat constantly, and you're just constantly all stressed out out and your sleep is all fucked up it's not good so i got cast in another show i got the fuck out of there and i gave ari all my things so but ari has like you said no fish nothing and then he has financial freedom because he's got the you know the the show on comedy central he's got a great podcast he's got all the kind of shit on. And then he also has this attitude that allows him to do something like that

because I don't have those three things. I don't have the financial freedom I got, but I have these three dependents. I have two dogs. And I don't have the attitude. Like, if I'm not working nonstop, I feel crazy. You should tell people what you're talking about because a lot of people that are tuned into this podcast probably don't realize that our Ari our good friend checked out

of civilization for three solid months at least right I think maybe more first of all he's rocking a flip phone he won't he doesn't have any apps so he doesn't he has no smartphone but then he just decides to go away and check out he no one's communicated with him you know we're sort of in business together on this all things comedy thing and he's on our board of directors and i need to tell him about shit and didn't even bother like we did a skype and he's like i'm'm gone. And then people on his show, the Comedy Central show, they're trying to get a hold of him. Nobody can get fucking a hold of Varma.

And he loves it. And me, if I seriously, I had to buy books. Like, you know, I read a lot of Jack Reacher. I read a lot. Do you really? Yeah, do you know that? Best character of all time. Yeah?

Yeah, 6'4", 240 pounds. I know people associated with the Tom Cruise movie, I realized do you really yeah do you know that best character of all time yeah yeah 6 foot 4 240 pounds I know Tom people associated with the Tom Cruise movie but like this guy is the most badass he's a military cop

yeah how is Tom Cruise the little tiny dude he just optioned the movies is that what happened my uncle Skip Tarantino came up to me I didn't even know

anything about Jack Reacher at my brother's wedding and he walks up and he goes can you believe they made Tom Cruise Jack Reacher and I brother's wedding. And he walks up and he goes, can you believe they made Tom Cruise Jack Reacher? And I go, what are you talking about? That's a problem. And he broke the whole thing down. He goes, let me tell you something about Jack Reacher. Jack Reacher is six foot four. Jack Reacher is like this total badass. He's an expert marksman.

He's 10 steps ahead. He's a big numbers guy. This guy, Lee Child, created the perfect character. So I read all those books, but I have to force myself to read those books so I can chill the fuck out. Because, again, and this is something that other comics have pointed out, I can't be alone with my own thoughts. Why is that? I don't know. Because I've had some crazy shit happen lately. Dad passed away. A lot of comics have passed away.

I have friends with a ton of comedians. Freddy Soto was one of my good, good buddies. He's gone. Dude, I started comedy with, passed away early on. So you and Freddy Soto passed me, you know, got me sponsored at the comedy store. Yeah. And I was very close to him. Like, me and Sebastian were his openers.

And so I think that might have something to do with it. It's like I'm trying to, it's a lot of great stuff happening, but I feel like I distract myself with work. So I just keep busy as fuck do you enjoy work I love it I love the satisfaction of um I don't know like making stuff and having people you know enjoy it so you feel like I mean it seems like you love doing stand-up when I see you at the store and you're going up looks like you're having a great time oh I just have a great time hanging out with other comics I love the comedy store I I love the comedy store. I love what the comedy store is. I love what it always has

been. I love how it's had this resurgence. I love the fact that they don't let everybody in there. Yeah. Isn't that great? It is great. There's a lot of people that are trying to get in there and they're like, eh, we're good. Yeah, and there's a lot of comics that you think are great comics. Mitzi had a weird

thing, like she didn't pass louis like that's that's crazy and then there was gatekeeper tommy there for a while who wouldn't pass like was holding a torch for mitzi and what her you know when he had a weird thing with black guys like he was not the the best dude but now this adam agate has come in. I'm being so polite. He's in a weird thing for my guys, I guess. But then I love the fact that me and you got to hang out at that back bar. They made that for us? Yeah. It was really fucking smart.

That's within the last two years. They made this, if you guys don't know what we're talking about, they made this video room that was just a room in the back behind the kitchen. And they said, the comics love hanging out here. Let's create a special little back bar just for the comedians and their friends. And we get to have conversations in there. And you had some weird thing.

Somebody told me the other night when I was in there, like, fucking some chick was in here taking pictures. No, she was filming. Oh, yeah, you can't do that. She was filming Santino and I having a conversation. And Brian Redband caught her filming. Yeah, you can't do that. She was filming Santino and I having a conversation, and Brian Redband caught her filming. Yeah, you can't do that. See, that's the place where you can't do that. It's a private bar.

Yeah. Like, you're not even supposed to be back there unless you're a comic or a friend of a comic. Exactly. So, and that's great for us because, you know, I enjoy talking to people as much, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming. And then also, I want to have a conversation with you or any of my friends. A real one. Yeah, a normal conversation where you can talk at length to somebody and you can't do that. And it's like you're getting interrupted nonstop.

Again, happy to – I'm still the type of guy after shows I'll go out, say hello to everybody, talk, you know, and but when all my friends are around, that's one of the great parts about the comedy store. And again, another part about the comedy store is that you have to get past, you have to be a paid regular. Yeah. Yeah. It is also, there's like, there's

a bunch of hot spots there where you get stuck. Like if you're trying to do your set and you're leaving the back bar and you're trying to get to the OR and you're going through that hallway, you'll just get stuck by people with cameras. They just want to take pictures. They just wait. They're just waiting like owls. Ready to swoop down

and snatch a rabbit. They're just waiting. Waiting. Waiting. There's Owls of Magical! Owl, can I get a picture? Can I get a picture, Owl? And you're like, I gotta do my set. And you're like, literally walk on stage. Just real quick. Just real quick. Like walking to the stairs, I've seen it. Yeah.

It's like fucking Christ. But it really is. The Comedy Cellar in New York and the Comedy Store in Los Angeles are the best comedy clubs in the country. And if you're a comedy fan listening to this and you got to make the trip. You really do. Because it's worth it. And on Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night

you're going to see an amazing show that could be in a stadium. Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean some of the lineups. Like you guys have a show there next Wednesday, All Things Comedy. You, Burr, Kreischer, who else is on? No, I'm actually not even on it because I have to go to Mexico.

But no, it's Burr and Bill and then, you know, a couple other ATC comics that you're not going to see. But the last one we did, you did. And then Sarah Silverman was on it. Yeah. So it was you, Sarah Silverman, Eddie Pepitone, like this great mix. I think Bert was on that one. Yeah.

Yeah. They're insane. Yeah. It's a great, great place to hang out. And so I love that. And I love doing standup and I love like hanging out with my friends. And that's a huge part of it. But you feel like you're distracting yourself with work.

I brought something. You made a great point the other night because we were talking about having an assistant. And you go, I don't want to be busy enough to have an assistant. Yeah. I don't want to be that busy. When I get to assistant level and I start thinking about assistant, you take it down. Well, that's my manager. They came up to me and they said, we think you should get an assistant.

I said, I'll definitely start doing less shit. I go, let's just stop doing whatever I'm doing that I'm doing too much that I need an assistant. Just stop. And they're like, well, sometimes it's hard to get a hold of you. I go, well, that's on purpose. Yeah. Like, do you understand that? It's like Bill Murray has a 1-800 number.

Does he? Yeah. If you want to get a hold of Bill Murray, you get the 1-800 number, and then maybe he'll call you back. Really? Yep. So people leave messages on the 1-800 number or something? Yeah.

Wow. I mean, if you're calling about him being in a major motion picture, that's how you get a hold of Bill Murray. Well, Bill Murray apparently checked out of relationships a few years ago. He said, no more relationships. I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want a wife. I'm done. He has a kid, I guess, apparently.

He's got an older kid. Yeah. Checked out, and he moved to, like, North Carolina or South Carolina, like one of those fucking places. And Anthony Bourdain interviewed him on his show. You know, he had him on the show. He's like, what are you doing down here? And he's like, I love it. It's great.

The people are nice. Yeah. And he also for a while was living in upstate New York, like up the Hudson. He would live up there. Same sort of deal. Just, just I'm done. Like, I'm just going to live in weird spots and uh by myself so that's another reason why i'm working my ass off is i want that i'm done fuck you money

and i want to be able to chill out i got kids on the back end of this thing where they're almost out of the house like i'm looking forward to that where they're both going to be in college right i'm trying to get these little fuckers ready for life to the point where they don't need to come back. Because you hear a lot of people are living in their homes with their parents until they're 30. And later. What the fuck is that about? Not acceptable. I'm going to push you out the door.

I know someone who's 36. Not good. Yeah. What? Well, they're making life is too good, I guess. Yeah. It's too easy. Yeah.

There's no. I was listening to Dr. Drew talk about this on Howard Stern Wrap-Up Show, and he was saying, like, kids don't have grit. Kids need fucking grit. Oh, associate Dr. Drew with grit. Well, it's just, you know, he knows

about, you know, hustle, and he goes, my kids are coddled, but he thinks the only thing is the educational system pushing education makes somebody work their ass off if you don't have that inner drive and a reason like you're getting with me and this was we're also if you i i don't see a therapist i probably should because i got a lot of shit going on but fucking my mom mom was cleaning houses and making $6 an hour. My dad, Teamster, warehouse foreman.

And they were poor growing up, lower middle class, and then went to the school. He sent me to a school in San Francisco with all these rich kids. So I was in all these rich houses and houses in people who know San Francisco Pacific Heights is really nice and sold it now it's like fucking 12 million dollar houses and that's where we were hanging out

parents would abandon them on the weekends and we'd have run of these fucking houses just crazy like my buddy broke a $25,000 vase and we're like

let's get the fuck out of here what the fuck are you gonna make us pay for it and we were in all these I was like smoking some guy's Cubans sitting in his chair Like, let's get the fuck out of here. What the fuck are you going to make us pay for it? And we were in all these. I was like smoking some guy's Cubans sitting in his chair. I'm a kid from the inner sunset district who shouldn't be in all these places. But I think that's what lit a fire under my ass because I'm working for the. My mom eventually has this great rags to riches story where she was working at this company and then she became an

account rep and then she became the head account rep then she became the vice president then she bought the company and quadrupled the company in size wow and that's where i went to work for her even though i wanted to be a stand-up comic i go to work for her i am firing people for a living which is a whole nother fucking thing. And just, uh, I really was forced into this very tough, my dad and my mom were very fucking brutal, half Mexican, half Sicilian. That's what I am. And then, uh, my mom, Sicilian, like just the youngest, uh, sister in a, with all boys

in the family, just a brutal lady who's like, can't tell me how many times, I tell you how many times she said like, fuck them, just fuck them. Like, okay, they're going to, you know, just a client giving her shit. Like, no, no, no, fuck them. And they don't appreciate me.

Fuck you. And she was like that. It's like, so was like that with us and then my dad same thing they found each other for a reason because they both have that attitude and so i was working there and then i was supposed to be this eldest son taking over this family business so when i met you in 1999 you came up to my apartment which was in telegraph it was a nice fucking apartment. I'm like the opener with a great place. And I lived. I had a wet bar.

Remember? Yeah. You had a cool spot. Yeah. We smoked pot and watched old Oprah's. Old Oprah's. She had big hair. Huge hair.

No work done at all. No. Just old Oprah. And we were just baked watching fucking old Oprah. I had even, like, I had just met my wife at that point. And so, this is, yes,

it's 1999 and I was working a regular job so I would do shows on the weekend, host at Cobb's or the Punchline and go right back to work

and at one point, I think I remember the world started to collide like I'm doing stand-up and I look out and everybody's laughing except like three dudes with their arms crossed

and I'm like, oh shit. I fired those fucking guys. Yeah, yeah. All the time. Dudes that you fired were sitting in the audience upset at you? Yeah. Started to make it into stand up. Did they go to see you?

No. I don't think. Nobody found me. Oh, wow. They must have been fucking steaming. Yeah. Just like, fuck that guy. Everybody's laughing.

I'm like having a good set and look at just one dude fucking scowling at me So how creepy was that didn't mind fuck you? Yeah. Yeah. No, but I had such a good attitude at that point I was like, hey fellas. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little weird, huh? Did you talk about it? Yeah. Oh Jesus I definitely acknowledged him and said hello like I knew their names and you didn But you didn't say, like, hey, I fired you guys. No, no, no. That would have been hilarious. I didn't doubt them talking to everybody in the entire room, which I probably would do now. So, not experienced enough to handle it.

When I met you, how long had you been doing stand-up? A year. Oh, wow. That's crazy. I just said my 19th anniversary was fucking on Tuesday. Wow. That's crazy. First, Tuesday in May, we did my first set.

Went up in front of like half homeless people in San Francisco. At Cobb's? No. At this place called The Luggage Store, which was on Market Street. Wow. Just tenderloin, full tenderloin. Walked up. I worked with you the first time I did the old Cobb's.

Yeah. That place was great. We got matched up. Because worked with you the first time I did the old cobs. Yeah, that place was great We got matched up because it was Tom Sawyer used to like to like he'd like would make matches of He really I was he would pride himself in creating lineups that people would like people would go together Yeah, and let me just tell you something it worked once with you That's it all the other times were a fucking disaster It's like even when I was up there because i'd find him like hey what's up he's like who the fuck is this guy like you're just totally i can yeah he put me with this fucking asshole oh yeah yeah

he put me with some you know there's some people that you think have potential and then they just don't you know we've all we met guys like that i mean there's a few guys that i could used to come up with used to come but i opened for you it was maddie kirsch yeah right sure and then And, you know, we've all, we met guys like that. I mean, there's a few guys that I could name them. Used to come, but I opened for you. It was Matty Kirsch. Yeah. Right? Sure.

And then Eddie Bravo fucking came up. Well, he'd come to hang. He wasn't. No, he wasn't doing any standup, but he was like totally come to hang. And then I think it was down here that I met Brian. And then Brian started going around with you super early on. Yeah, that was when I was down here that I met Brian, and then Brian started going around with you super early on. Yeah, that was when I moved down here in, like, 2004. Ari and Duncan, but that was the new cops.

That was once they started moving to the new spot. Yeah, and the old one, I think it was just Matt. Yeah, Matty Kirsch. Yeah, early days. Like, Matty Kirsch stopped doing stand-up for a long time. I think he's done. I think he just completely stopped. He started doing TV stuff.

He stopped doing stand-up and then he went back to it again but I never saw him, you know? I think he's done. Yeah, I don't think you can

dick around with that. I was with, me and my buddies were watching Tim Allen come back. Yep. And you know what I did? What?

He was such a nice guy and he watched, you know, he watched my set and came up and said a bunch of stuff afterwards. He was super cool to me. And it was so rough watching that set. He made all these Santa Claus movies and he made a whole improvement and all this shit.

And me and Kevin Christie sat in the balcony and I said, you know what? Let's do something for this guy. And we wrote him nine pages of jokes and fucking just handed them. I just tried to go, here you go. And handed them to him. Really? And he goes, thank you., and handed them to him. Really? And he goes, thank you. Oh, my God.

And then we came back the next night, and he did a bunch of this shit and got an applause break on one of my books. And I was like, I felt so good. That's so cool. I saw him one night at the comedy store when he hadn't done stand-up in forever, and he came back, and he was doing a joke about his Ferrari breaking down. Yeah, a lot of stuff people can relate to. And I wanted to pull him aside and go, listen, man, don't do that ever. came back and he was doing a joke about his Ferrari breaking down. Yeah. And I wanted to pull him aside and go, listen, man, don't do that ever.

Just don't do that. I don't care if it's about a Ferrari breaking down. Don't tell everybody you have a $250,000 car. Well, that's a big George Garland thing is that when he got so wealthy and he had people going to the post office for him, he's like, I can't do the post office bit now because I don't even go to the fucking post office and I can't talk about the bank because I never go to the bank for myself. And that's like, you got to do all your own shit

and you have to stay relatable. It goes the other way too. I was in New York and when I was out there and a comic goes up and he was like, he goes, you know what you do in Angel Dust? And I'm like, nobody knows. Nobody knows what you're doing in fucking angel dust. What are you talking about? But talk about a niche audience yeah totally so you know stand up like Matt jumped out

And it's like I don't think you can jump out like it's one of those things well You can but goddamn you love it like Dana Gould jumped out for a long time and wrote for The Simpsons Yeah, I came back you can do it, but know, arguably Dana Gould should have been a huge superstar as a stand-up comedian. He was a San Francisco guy who was like I listened to. If you guys don't know who that comic is, I mean, again, go find it. Because so good. So many voices. So many characters.

So smart. Stories. Well, I met him in Boston in 88. Holy shit. And he was already big then. Like he was a headliner then and doing really well. He was like Rodney Dangerfield, young comedian special big, right? He had a Showtime special. I remember that. He had a Showtime special before I moved to LA because I

remember watching it and it was really interesting. It was like the way he did it was like kind of unique. The way he shot it was unique and it was good. It was really good. It was like the way he did it was like kind of unique. The way he shot it was unique and it was good. It was really good. And I was like, this guy is going to be giant. And I figured it was going to be like from there, HBO specials from there, giant theaters from there. You know, he was going to go the Brian Regan route,

you know, where he's selling out all over these places. But it just- He married the woman who ended up becoming the president of HBO. That ain't good. Can't do that. Only, I have another thing. One headshot per household. Yes.

Dude, if you see like two, I think Tom Segura and Christina are the ones that can pull it off too. The only ones. Yeah. I've not seen anyone else do this successfully. And I'm still standing back like this on that one like well okay this might blow up you got this you got it all right yeah over here well there was a kid on the daily show that him and his wife auditioned for the daily show at the same time and he got it and she didn't oh yeah that must have been a fun time in that house. Not good.

Not good at all. Somebody starts becoming super popular, and then the other person is like, oh, what do I do? Do I pull a Matt Kirsch? Do I jump out now or find other work? Yeah. And that's also been a difficult thing with me. So back to what we were talking about. It's like, so now I leave this parents' family business, and I come to L.A. I leave this parents family business and I come to LA I could have again I could have been up there and miserable fucking with you know firing people non-stop and like taking on other people's

problems because that's what I did is like if you have a business or you work somewhere we'd employ everybody working there so you didn't have to deal with any of the headaches but then I got all the headaches so I've been chased like I had a guy who was a Taiwanese like you sick this bad he was working in a doctor's office but on the weekends we found out he was pretending he was the doctor seeing patients his own patients but physical therapists in a orthopedist office so I go in there and I've been doing this a while and again I've been in so many awkward situations now I'm a therapist in an orthopedist's office. So I go in there, and I've been doing this a while. And again, I've been in so many awkward situations. Now I'm doing stand-up, and I'm even in more awkward situations.

And I just go up, and I go, hey, Twan, you know, jig is up. I go, today's your last day. We found out what you're doing. He grabs me, puts me up against the wall. He gets one of those physical therapy sticks, you know, the big, like the pole that you use to stretch with behind your back and stuff. And he has one of those cut in half and he sticks it right up to my throat. And I'm cool.

And so I go, Twan, you got two choices here. You're going to hit me with that stick and I'm going to call the cops and I'm going to press charges and you're going to go to jail because I'm going to be pissed that you hit me with that stick and I'm going to call the cops and I'm going to press charges and you're going to go to jail. Because I'm going to be pissed that you hit me with that fucking stick. Or you can take the final check that's in my breast pocket right here and walk away. What's it going to be? And I'm held up against the wall

by my throat with the fucking stick in my face. And so, had some crazy situations. What did you say to him? You said the jig is up. I know you're not a real doctor. Yeah, I go, hey. How you doing? You shouldn't be here right now. What was his response? No, this is not true.

You know, like in just like... He barely spoke English? Yeah. He's a physical therapist. Was he banging chicks too? I have no idea. I would like it to be that way. Yeah, he was just banging them. Yeah, it's a better story if he is. There's a way to heal you. It's through your vagina. Use my cock.

So I had Russian nurses running from me and just crazy stories. What were they trying to do to you? Well, this Russian nurse was in an allergist's office and she was giving wrong doses to the kids and stuff of shots. Oh, Jesus. So I had all my documentation, like these yellow pads that go. There's, you can see right here, I'm 22 years old. You can see right here

that she tries to grab it. Now it's a tug of war across a desk and I don't know what the fuck is going on. And she takes off and runs down a hallway. And I'm 22

and I go, shit, I fucking run down the hallway after her and she goes into a patient room and then she locks the door and then I get the door open

and I say, somebody unlock it and she's in there and she's talking to her husband on the phone and she goes into a patient room and then she locks the door and then i get the door open i said somebody unlock and she's in there and she's talking to her husband on the phone she goes andrew there is a man here who's telling me lies he's telling me lies and i didn't want to tell you this but i am pregnant and i'm going to lose the baby because of this man like that i'm going oh my god yeah totally freaking out oh my god so i had a tea to teach a bunch of vietnamese people how to shit there was one day i got a call yeah wait i got a call from this guy issue well they were humongous okay you know humongous like this if you saw gran torino that movie with clintwood. I think the H is silent. I think they just call it Mungs. Yeah, you're right.

The H-M-O-U-N-G? Yeah. And then there are people without a land. Yeah. And then they all came to San Jose, California to work in assembly plants. So they're in this cable assembly plant called Cable Co. That was a big client of ours. And I got a call from this really cool guy.

His name was Chip. Chip Bronk. And he goes, Al, you got to get down here. You're not going to fucking believe it. And I got a situation. And I go, what is it? And he goes, better you see. And I go into the bathroom.

Shit everywhere. What? Because they had never been used to toilets. So they were standing on the toilet seats. I found out that's what was going on. They all had fake names. Like, the name is Fook Lee, but you can call me Keith. Shit like that.

So I was like, hey, Keith, Fook Lee, can you come here for a second? Can I talk to you about this? So where was the shit? Everywhere. Like on the ground? Yeah, they were missing. Because the toilet seat is not meant to fucking hold you up. So they're waddling up there.

So they were standing on the toilet seat. Standing on the toilet seat. So they were just used to like shitting in holes? They're shitting in holes. Oh my God. If they're lucky, you know, in the woods or whatever. Oh Jesus Christ. If they're lucky.

If they're not lucky, what, they hold it forever? So yeah, I just backed up. It becomes a brick. Yeah. So yeah, I just backed up. It becomes a brick. Yeah. So anyway, I gathered everybody around. I just appointed a bathroom monitor.

Oh my God, a bathroom monitor? So I had one of the guys who was a supervisor. I had a clipboard. I put a lock on the bathroom door and then,

so you become this corporate fixer. That's what I was doing. Wow. And I always wanted to do stand-up comedy. I love stand-up comedy. I grew up in the city with just listening to comedians on the radio and all the great comics.

There was two comics who lived on my block. And so I loved- Who lived on your block? Mike Pritchard and Michael Meehan. Two great comics. Mike Pritchard won the first San Francisco comedy competition. And Robin Williams looked up to him. He was like, Robin Williams, that was his idol.

And he was on my block. And you know Monty Hoffman? Yeah. Monty Hoffman. I would be eight years old on my bike. And I would ride down the block. And Monty Hoffman and Mike Pritchard used to put their T-shirts over their heads. You know how you can do it?

Just the face pops out of the hole. And they used to pretend they were the California Raising Guys. I was like, these guys are hilarious. This is amazing. They lived on your block? On my block. And I remember... Where's Pritchard now?

I think he's a motivational speaker still up in the Bay Area. He lives in Marin. He came to the last night at Cobb's Comedy Club in that little spot. Why? He stopped doing stand-up? He just speaks. Wow. Weird.

Yeah. So, well, you know, that's another tempting thing for me, too, is because I do a ton of corporate stand-up. You can get paid, you know, five figures to, deep five figures to speak at 3.30 p.m. and do stand-up at a thing. And, you know, if you're a stand-up career, like, you're in a good, amazing spot because people come to see you. Like, I'm still at the stage where I go out and 40% of the people there come to see me. And it's a weird cross-section of people who love stand-up or, you know, heard me, you know, heard me on Bert's podcast or your podcast, you know, whatever. And then it's a weird cross-section of daily show people and then sitcom people and then you know what i mean it's like this weird crowd coming together and then it's um it's people like comedy it's that stanhope bit right people how many people

came here to see me and and how many people came here to see comedy? Yeah. And he's like, music isn't like that. And so for me to do a corporate gig and get paid a gazillion, you know, like a lot of money is fucking tempting to switch over to that side. So I could see why people do that. Well, that's what Jay Leno did. He just gets paid 250 grand. That's why he doesn't put out any content. Jay Leno doesn't have the same act. He has no body of work. Like

he had a Showtime special that he did that I saw in the nineties. And I'm pretty sure other than his Tonight Show monologues, which of course is numerous. I think that's the last standup that he ever put out as far as like a, like a full act. Talk to him about it. Yeah, he's got a weird philosophy about it. I did randomly got a phone call to present him with his Mark Twain Award at the Kennedy Center. Oh, wow. It was me, fucking Seinfeld, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, like crazy people. You know, Wanda Sykes, you know, and I had no business being there. Chelsea Handler, whatever. It's just like all stars.

And I'd never met him before. And I think they just wanted to color it up. But I'm going to say yes because it's fucking Kennedy Center and super, super cool. And I go there and I meet him for the first time. And then my act was like's like what are you doing you have 250 million dollars or something like that and you still every Sunday

you go to the comedy magic club you don't turn over your act you got separate comedy money and TV money and this car collection I go what what do you do what just chill out man and and uh i go you give me the fucking four million dollars you never see me again and he goes sold like that from the balcony

and then we had a long conversation about it afterwards which was super weird and talked about it's that exact same thing that you just discussed. He has an act that he wants to keep doing. And if it never appears on TV, you've got to go see him to see it. Yeah. But people get mad when they see him twice. Oh, yeah. Like he was in Edmonton. He did the River Cree.

And then he did it again a year later. And he did the same act. And the people there were mad. For those old school guys, that's how you did it again a year later and he did the same act and uh the people that were mad well that's just i mean for those old school guys that's how you did it i mean it's not no knock against him that's how everybody did it it cat skills guys yes and vaudeville they all those guys would do the same act for 10 years and it was also you could do other people's acts. Yes. Right? Yeah. They just did. They did that. You know, there was no social media.

When the Abbott and Costello did Who's On First on TV, 20 other guys were pissed because they also did that exact same bit. Really? Yeah. And they're like, thanks a lot, fellas. I could never fucking do that thing again. So who's on first? Was it an Abbott and Costello original? Nope. Whoa.

There were fucking 20 other duets doing that exact same fucking material. Wow. Yeah. So now it's completely, so Jay Leno, of course, is carrying that, you're pissed. When I started in San Francisco, there's this great guy Jimmy Cornette who ran the punchline who we were talking about other

people coming through and not changing their act. He goes, dude, you need a new 20 minutes at least every time you come through here. People are going to be pissed. They want to see the hits. Bobby Slayton would say, we go see the Stones, you want to see Brown Sugar, but you got to mix in some fucking new shit every once in a while, too.

With comics, I feel like they less want to see the hits more than anything. Like, with music, like, they actually just want to see the hits. Like, if you go to see the Stones, they don't want to hear any new Stones shit. Stop that. Yeah, want satisfaction. Yeah, but if you go to see Burr, you want to see all his new stuff. Yeah. You're familiar with his stuff.

If you saw his last Netflix special. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. So that keeps you creative. It keeps you fresh. You have to constantly be hustling. Totally.

Yeah. It's, um, that's what I would say when I saw you the other night when you did that ATC show, you had that fucking no vagina bit. It was just fucking good. Thanks, man. Because, again, and that's another thing. It's like you grow up in San Francisco and you become, like you see guys coming through. And I watched, I went to see everybody.

So I lived in between Cobbs and the Punchline. And that's where I did, you know, Outliers, 10,000 Hours. I walked to the Cobbs and the punchline. And that's where I did a few, you know, outliers, 10,000 hours. I walked to the Cobbs. I know for, I did this for maybe 13 months straight, almost every single night. I walked to Cobbs, then I'd walk to the punchline. And I saw every single act. I saw Damon Wayans, Carlos Mencia, Scott, you know, from the kids in the hall. What's his face?

Scott Thompson just anybody would come through I'd go see I could see every single night and I watched the good ones and I took something from everybody

but then I started to watch people come through a second time and not change anything I started to watch features that were better than the headliner and the feature

you know the conversation over in the corner and fucking just watching it all and again you see what you know people are doing and how much work people put into this it's a tremendous amount of work but to do the bits also and that's another thing it's like um san francisco you they wouldn't put

hacky comics up right they wouldn't get to play their sawyer wouldn't fucking work here he just would for good reason yeah i really appreciate that about him it's one of the comics up. Right. They wouldn't get to play there. Sawyer wouldn't fucking work here. He just would. For good reason. Yeah. I really appreciate that about him. It's one of the reasons why I was willing to go back and do his club so many times. Yeah. So, again, that's when you come to LA, you're like, what the fuck is going on? There's some of

that, like what we were talking about. We don't need to name any names with that one person who just memorizes a bunch of shit and says it fast. And then you're like, okay, what are you doing?'re you're ruining the night there's a lot of tricks yeah tricks you're saying a bunch of pop culture references and a bunch of shit but there's no like you know it's so hard to be judgmental about someone else's craft or art but there's times when you know whether someone or not is actually trying to work something out or whether they're trying to trick the audience yeah so there's a bunch of stuff you

guys that you can do to elicit laughter yeah you can memorize a huge string it's called yeah it's a string yeah you can just fucking rattle some and you get done and then they applaud oh my god big applause did you hear what I did? Did I tell you what I did after that? I'm fucking such an asshole sometimes. I'm sorry. I don't want to be like this, you guys.

I just want to read Jack Reacher on my deck and fucking chill out. And I bought that FJ-62 Land Cruiser. And I want to fucking just, I want to get a little trailer behind that. I want to go to Big Sur with my wife. Just go chill out by the ocean. Just chill out. Yeah. I want to be that guy. But you're not. But I'm not. I want to go to Big Sur with my wife. Just go chill out by the ocean. Just chill out. Yeah. I want to be that

guy. But you're not. But I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I really want to be. Anyway, I followed that one comic we're talking about. And I walked out and I go, how about it? I go, name.

I go, what was that last applause break all about? Did she offer to donate some money to charity just like no reason i shouldn't have done it just yeah you shouldn't talk shit well i do the only time you should talk shit is when someone's doing something negative like stealing yeah you know i mean we've all been there before where you see someone go up and you go okay that's not even your act yeah yeah yeah like you just happens yeah less now than ever before don't you think this is like the cleanest time for comedy as far as like you still hear little stories pop up here and there but i think it's also now it's like subjective and there's a lot

so much stand-up i was talking, I have this hour special coming out this weekend on Showtime and I was thinking, talking to somebody about it and there's a special coming out like every fucking two days. Yeah,

they're not that special anymore. They're not. But, it's a great time for content. Like, if you want to see comedy, like,

you go on Netflix or Showtime or CISO or any of these different providers. Dude, CIS want to see comedy, like, you go on Netflix or Showtime or CISO or any of these different providers. Dude, CISO. Yeah. That Stan Hope special. And I watched the, and to mention this, I go, the Doug Stan Hope special on CISO, if you have not seen this, I feel like is one of the best things I've ever seen.

And I walked in to the comedy club and I saw Punchline for the very first time and I saw Arj Barker on stage kill just

he's a great comic he's just fucking murdered and I had the same feeling that when I watched that Doug Stanhope special just I haven't seen it I need to see it

oh my god the bits just again and it's like next level shit that I hope people can really appreciate the callbacks and the intricacies of this whole thing and the story and somebody who's working on something and saying something. Well, Doug did two of them in his hometown, right?

Yeah, Bisbee. He did them both in Bisbee, right? Yeah, this is one that was shot in Bisbee by Hennigan. Yeah. I just love the fact that he's doing that. We talked about it a couple of years ago. He goes, I can't work in my town. I've got to fucking see these people at the Safeway.

Yeah. And then apparently he just said, fuck it. Why not? Why can't I do it in my town? And then eventually his town stopped being the town it was, and there's a bunch of people who moved there because they know Doug lives there. Oh, dude. First of all, he's a real estate mogul.

Every house that comes up, they're all like $30,000. He just buys it. He's just buying houses. So he owns like, I think he owns six or seven houses in town. This is turning into a Jack Reacher novel. Yeah. Where he's going to own the town. He is owning the town.

Fuck, dude. If I got divorced, I'd seriously consider moving there. There's already a house I'm looking at. It's a cave. No way. A house in a cave? Yeah, it's built into a cave.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Now I can't buy it because people know. They'll show up at my door. Dude, let's do DMT. Let me in your cave. But he, so many people move to,

he used to give out his address and say, come to my Super Bowl party. So people would come from all over the world to his fucking Super Bowl party. And it was ridiculous. It'd be 500 people that he didn't know at his house for a Super Bowl party. Crazy. So he stopped doing that. He rescinded that invitation. what me and Bert were talking about is doing a thing called a caravan comedy tour and getting

a bunch of RVs and our trucks and trailers and just going a bunch of guys. Cause also it's like, it's a special kind of comic and you're, you're one of those comics. It's like, you have, you have kids, you have a family, you have a life, you have stuff outside of standup, you know, it's like to get those guys together, and Bert is one of those, you know, where it's like, you have a couple kids, and like, get the kids and the wives. It takes a lot to be a comedian wife. Right.

And they all have that in common. So they all, I'm sure everyone will get along great, because they have to deal with fucking us. And so, the wives and the kids, everybody in our RV, and then we all go out and do shows. And then everybody gets to go to the Grand Canyon the next day. That's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea.

I'm in. I'm in. Let's do it. I think Duncan, we talked about Duncan. He doesn't have any kids. I know, but he's still be fun on the road. They're looking at RVs. That's a great idea, man.

So, you know, I just wanted an excuse to buy one of those Airstreams. Totally. I just think they look badass. Well, I pull up behind your FJ62. Oh, my God. Yep. Don't think I haven't been. I got business cards.

I'm looking at, there's a place called Off the Grid Rentals, and just to test out. But it's too small. It's like this teardrop. It's a 4x4 teardrop. I've seen those. And you can put a rooftop tent on top, and it has a ladder that goes up. Yeah. And then I could just have everybody.

I'm thinking I want a little bit more. A real one. Well, the difference is Sportsmobile. If you go to sportsmobile.com, which is fucking, they've been doing it for a long time. But you can get one of those Dodge Sprinter vans, a diesel, like tricked out. Oh. Yeah, and get that 4x4'd out and just go, and then you can still tow some stuff. Well, there's this company called, fuck, what is the company called?

There's an expedition vehicle that they take, and they take like a Ford F-250, and then they put this thing on top of the roof, like above the front cab. It goes up and then back. No, exactly. And the whole thing, it's got solar power and a generator and you can live in those fucking things it's all like the rock uh there's the rock climber guys you like look at that fucking thing jesus christ oh my god i'm in love rooftop tent yeah and a john well they do that too they take vans and there's a company called u-joint off-road they take a van like that they remove

the natural suspension or the suspension that comes with it and put a full-on dual solid axle four-wheel drive suspension set up in it and you could just drive that motherfucker over the sports mobile.com and take a look at this now because this is what they used to do, and they're still doing with some of these. The vans will do this with Chevy vans. Wow, that looks amazing. But if you look at what they're doing with the Mercedes and the Dodge Sprinter, that's when it just goes up to a whole other level. Their site was downsized. Oh, their site's down?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but you can see some of them. Yeah, look at this fucking. I like. Yep. I like. I have those same ideas. Yeah, it's just- But I do go on these trips for hunting-

You do. Where I go out, you know, I'm in the woods five, six days at a time, and most of the time there's no cell phone service. I just did Bourdain with the crew that you guys shot with in Montana. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What'd you do?

I did his no reservations. Yeah. Well, it's called- What is it called now? Parts Unknown? Parts Unknown. Yeah. Where'd you go. What'd you do? I did his No Reservations. Yeah. Well, it's called- What is it called now? Parts Unknown? Parts Unknown. Yeah. Where'd you go?

What'd you do with it? It was Mexican food down on Oliveira Street. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah, we went bird hunting in Montana. It was fun. It was interesting. That guy still goes hard.

Yep. Hard. Like, wham, throwing them back. We got so high. I could feel the earth spinning. Well, he had just come from he was super late. I got drunk. If you watch this parts of the note, I'm

fucking wasted. Because I really am. People are like, why is El Magical's eyes closed? Yeah, because I'm super drunk. He was four hours late, and I just went to bars with that crew while we were waiting for him, because he got a tattoo. And then he showed up super late, and then we ate taquitos. And by him because he got a tattoo and then he showed up

super late and then we ate taquitos and by the time he got there i was just trashed i'm the biggest lightweight of all time it really is true i did a show with you at the comedy magic club we walked around the corner and got baked with red band and then i went back in and I had apologized to your audience. I go, I'm sorry. I just don't understand. I've been so busy. I haven't been able to get baked like I used to. And it just fucking snuck up on me. I don't know what the fuck is going on. We can sneak up on you easy today. Yeah. And people are productive. Doug Benson is a productive motherfucker. He gets a lot done.

I can't speak. I'll just leave that there. All right. Yeah, I get it. I mean, some people are much more comfortable. Like Joey. Joey Diaz is constantly in that state. I saw him.

I don't know if it was. Who sent me a picture of it? If it was somebody showed me something that he was in. One of those big gummy bears. Oh, dude. That has 3,000. Yeah, 3,000 milligrams. Milligrams of THC in that thing.

And he'd like chomp the head off. He does that all the time. He stopped doing that though, by the way. Joey stopped, he backed off the edibles. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. See, that's all I do. Panic attacks.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't, I have such, I've been waking, waking I just went to the doctor I had a little bit of health scare and this is two days ago because I've been waking up in the middle of the night out of breath yeah oh you probably have sleep apnea and that or I got a sleep study that's being done and then they're saying I have anxiety and we definitely have anxiety yeah a lot of it you ever thought about doing like yoga or anything um I try to go to the gym. I go to the gym like every morning, but I don't like I need to meditate and People have talked to me about transcendental meditation stuff like that that I need to settle the fuck down

Yeah, but you know that you have this thing and you're not doing anything I'm not doing anything about it and the doctor said that This is good that now you're finally being compelled to talk about it with somebody that this is a problem. And you feel like you're angry at yourself for being so anxious. Because if I go to the airport with my wife and kids, I can feel it. I feel the anxiety. I feel myself freaking the fuck out. Wow.

What are you freaking? Like, what's the thought? What are you worried about? Just, we got to get through, and everybody's slowing us down, and fucking da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I go early. I know. That's what I started doing. That's why I'm, like, trying to prepare myself for this.

It's so huge. Just leave an hour earlier than you need to, and you don't worry about shit. I give myself plenty of time. And I still look at my wife, and I'm like, and the last couple times, I'm like, doing pretty good. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm working on it.

That's weird. It seems like maybe you were set up for this from like your early career, like this like tension. Yeah. You know? And then the desire for success, like to be a successful comic is a lot of hustling and there's a lot of like, you got to fucking, you got to be on your point. You got to be on your game.

You got to go, go, go. Can't fuck around. Can't fuck around. Go, go, go. Can't fuck around. Can't fuck around. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. And now with ATC, again, I feel so much responsibility

for all these comics. So, we have 50 podcasts. We have 50, we have comedians. Turn that thing down for sure. I tried. That's another thing

where you gotta make some tough calls. I did. 20% at least, right? Everybody is like, like, okay, here's a perfect fucking example.

Ian Edwards has a podcast called Soccer Comic. I'm not going to... I love Ian Edwards to death, right? He's on that network. I don't care if four people listen to that fucking show. He's on that network. I don't give a shit. Yeah, I feel the same way.

And so I don't care about the numbers as much as I believe in the comics. There's two comedians, Michael costa and mike and chris fairbanks that i want to start making tv like they're not on tv right costa's a funny dude costa's a funny motherfucker and i have a great story with costa Store, sees me, we become friendly, then sees me on stage, did some bit about how my wife's half Korean, half Greek. And I go, this Korean mother-in-law, and I don't do any jokes about her because then I'd be doing Margaret Cho's acting, who wants that? Shithead. And so fucking, he loves it. And I'm like, that's fucking hilarious.

That's a good burn. And so we go. Now, I'm at the point in L.A., you guys, I'm doing spots. I'm not doing anything else. And so I'm working on these TV shows as much as I can. But when I'm not, I'm at the comedy store, two sets. Then I go to the Laugh Factory. Then I go to the improv. I'm doing that triangle.

And I'm hitting them all. And I'll hit the guy's house. Like, I'm going everywhere. I'm a guy who's doing, like, 12 sets a week. And this is from 2004 until I get the Daily Show, pretty much. Like, this is a good, solid six or seven years of just fucking going. And then I go to the improv. And Bill, again, knew.

I go, let's go to the improv. Let's fucking go down there. And so he jumps in my car. We drive down to the improv. It's a show that they're doing where they show a sketch comedy video. And then they bring up a stand-up. And then they show a sketch comedy video and a then they bring up a stand-up. And then they show a sketch comedy video and a stand-up. And Mike Costa's the host.

So I go up in between these sets, and I look at them, and I go, hey, do you know if they're going to show another video, or are they going to bring me up? And then he responds. I forget what he says. But then he goes up on stage, and he goes, okay, this next comedian is, I guess it's Al Madrigai. If you want me to pronounce your name right, you've got to come introduce yourself to me before the set. I can't be expected to, I don't know if it's a guy or a girl, and I'm on the side losing it. And I go, fuck you! And he goes, what? And I go, you heard me.

Fuck. This is a room full of, it's Asian night or something. Like there's all these Chinese people there. And so I go, everybody turns. And I go, you heard me. Fuck you. I go, do your job. I introduce myself to you. Like, just get the fuck off stage.

Like, yeah. And I go, what the fuck? Because he's like, I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. Who are you? And I go, dude, you're the fucking host. Figure it out. Right. Asshole.

So I walk up and I proceed to just lay into him. Just fucking 15 minutes or about. I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. You're the host. You have one fucking job to do. Bill's hunched over laughing on the side. All the comics in the back are just, there's tables in the back are on the floor. And it was, I go, it's fucking Asian night.

This is the worst crowd I've ever fucking seen. It's just going crazy. And I can't help it. Again, if anyone's listening, like, this guy's an asshole. I don't want to be, I don't want to do that. Right. It just came out. It's compelled.

Uncontrollable fucking burst of fucking telling people to fuck off. Yeah, asshole. Yeah. Cuntiness. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. And I could have gone, I'm right here. Sorry about that.

Right. Magical. My name's Magical. No problem. Right. Just bring me out. Yeah. But that puts you in a bad position. You go up there, like, I'm right here. Sorry about that. Right. Magical. My name's Magical. No problem. Right. Just bring me out. Yeah. But that puts you in a bad position.

You go up there like sort of. Yeah. Like they can't. Submitting. Yeah. So Willie Barsena had those stories about like headbutting somebody in the hallway because they brought up Charles Fleischer instead of him. You know, like he.

Well, Willie's crazy. Well, yeah. Yeah. That's a whole nother thing. Like, I think I told that story last time I was on this podcast where I told him to fuck off. And he's an East LA street fighter. So, yeah, it doesn't matter. When I see red, I fucking start telling everybody, fuck you.

Right. So, anyway, me and Mike Costa, very good friends. To this day, I came up. I see the error in my ways right away. I apologize. I go, dude, I'm so sorry. I can't control it. I'm sorry.

I say crazy shit to people. And so, again. Well, you and I have never had a weirdness. No. We've never had a weird moment. You were always cool. This happens with very few people. But when it does.

When you feel slighted. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never slighted you. Zero. When you feel slighted, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never slighted you. Zero. And if, you know, no, you haven't. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know.

Again, I want to just fucking sit on a chair. Yeah, I know that feeling, though. There's a feeling, especially like the anxiety before you're performing, you're ready to go, and then you feel like someone's fucking with you, and you're like, oh, okay. I've had that happen before. Where a host will purposely say some dicky things about you thinking they're going to chop down your set. I've done the same thing.

I just go after them 100%. Totally. Yeah. Brandon Chubb told me a story. He said people, because he's a big guy. He's new to stand-up. He's new to stand-up. He's new to stand-up. And somebody went up on stage at the improv and he said, who the fuck is that guy?

Like, you can't be that handsome and fucking, like, started just tearing into him, like, for being, like... Being a fighter, too. Yeah. This is not for you. Yeah. Well, it was Eric Griffin. Was it?

Yeah. Yeah. He was just fucking around. Yeah. I mean, it was just like, that's what you say. The guy goes up and he does stand up and he's got this perfect haircut. And you're like, hey, fuck you. You know, Eric goes up

with his spare tire around his waist and he's a big jolly guy. Like, get the fuck out of here with this. Fatty with glasses and a mustache. I have the same thing. He's got a great mustache, though. He looks like he puts on the glasses and mustache together. He does like he puts on the glasses and mustache together in one piece. He does.

He does. But when he was doing that, I was trying to tell Brendan. I go, dude, that's what we do. I go, you got to understand that. Like, you go up, you do your set. The guy's going to shit on you. You know what I mean? That's like, I would have shit on you, too, probably.

Especially in New York, same thing. Oh, more. Way more. If you don't do two or three minutes of what's going on in the room and what just happened, you're going to have a shitty set. Like, that's what I learned right away. You have to be, like, you know, star to fucking hold everyone's attention and just start launching into material. Yeah. The comment on what's happening.

Well, you know what that is from? I noticed that, too, when I lived in New York. I was like, it's because the crowds are small and the stage is small. It's a way more intimate experience. It's like the belly room. The belly room is a totally different experience than the OR, which is a totally different experience than the main room. It's one of the beautiful things about doing the hat trick at the comedy store. If you do all three rooms in a night, you get to feel the difference.

The belly room is so much more intimate and so much more intense because there's only 70 people in the room. And they're jammed in there. And they're right in front of you. And that's like a New York room. So I'm doing that show on Showtime about stand-up comedy. I'm dying up here. You get to meet that guy in the back that's helping me, you know, he's making that show. And we were talking about the

belly room and interviewing people about that just to figure it out and that used to be it was called the belly room because it was for women and then like a pregnant woman you know like a womb yeah that's like mitzi literally thought of it as a comedy womb yep yeah and then they used to put overflow so if richard pryor or somebody huge was in the main room, they put all the overflow up in the belly room. And then a comic would be on stage and they'd come in. If like a table opened up, they'd go mid-act. Thompson, party of four.

Like you're doing stand-up on stage. You know, waitress would come in and go, the Thompson's here. And then the Thompson's are sitting in the front. They just get up and walk out. And go to see Richard Pryor in the main room. Yeah, totally. Wow. So that place, and then I work on that with Eric Griffin.

So I didn't really know him that well before. And hilarious. Just fucking fucks with people nonstop. So of course he was the guy that said that shit. But he's a great dude. He's a nice guy. He's not doing it he's a great dude. He's a nice guy. He's not doing it because he's an asshole. He's just being silly.

And that's what I was trying to tell Brendan. He's like, you went at me hard, bro. And I'm like, that's what we do. Like, Brendan's new to this whole world, you know, because he started out doing podcasts. He's a funny guy. And then he started doing these live podcasts with Callan. And they would do sort of like a little sketch routine, like a comedy routine.

And then he would do a few minutes on his own, just doing like kind of standup, like telling his story. And he's funny. He says he has some funny ideas. So now he's doing sets like on a regular basis. And then he's doing sets in front of people who don't know him, which is the right way to do it. Totally.

One of the bad things that people do is they only do their own crowd over and over and over again. Not smart. You got to go out and do those shows that I was saying, like, when you start doing stand-up comedy, you invite all your friends out, and it takes you three sets to figure out, oh, shit, I better stop inviting my friends out. Yeah. Just do it.

Well, not only that, but if you invite your friends out, and they're a significant part of the audience, they've already seen your jokes. Yeah, exactly. It goes bad right away. And you're like, oh, I want to make strangers laugh. I want to make complete strangers laugh. And if I can do that, it just makes you a better comic. I got a bunch of shit.

And we were talking about this. I got a bunch of shit for fucking heckling Steve-O. Did you heckle him in the audience? At the improv. I was on stage. I told a story. I said, again, I don't want to be this guy. I really don't.

You don't understand. It is a problem, and I'm going to go to a cognitive behavioral. That's what the doctor prescribed me, is a cognitive behavioral specialist that's going to stop me from doing shit like this. Really? Yeah. But I said, I don't feel that bad about this i said um he was in the audience and i said all right i go i don't want to care about stand-up this much i really don't i'm so passionate about this you guys don't fucking understand

like i was like so-and-so stole this joke and stole that joke and i go i just got to come to grips with the fact that what I feel like is my life's calling is somebody else's last resort. And then, because I talk about like Dustin Diamond does stand up. I go, fucking, you know, Skippy from Family Times does stand up. Like, and then. People don't even know what that is anymore. I know.

Does he still do it? Skippy? Yeah. I think so. Dustin Diamond was in jail. Oh, he stabbed somebody. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Skippy was doing stand-up. He was like an 80s comic. When Family Ties sort of ended, he was doing stand-up when I was an open-miker. I was just starting out, and he was headlining these places, and he had this big smile. Skippy from Family Ties, and he just would go on the road but i never heard from him again yeah i don't know what that guy's doing there's gotta at some point the audience just goes away and then people stop booking you and then you have to go away i guess what do you do i don't know job i guess hopefully you invested your money properly and then you bought some real estate.

Skippy. Skippy is just a real estate baron. You know who talks me down and has, Callan has talked me down a couple of times. He's like, no, just relax. He's a nice guy. Don't worry about it. Callan's a calm guy. Yeah.

But you know, the thing is like, it is your life calling. And for some people it isn't. Some people it's like something that came along after they had been doing a bunch of other stuff. But that's okay. Yeah, whatever Okay, there's an audience Yeah it's just like a lot of people will say like that guy's not really a comic like if you're doing stand-up your comic and Although most of them don't ever become comics you respect It's not like it's outside the realm of possibility if you could do it or I could do it

How come they can't do it somebody said this about carrot topot Top. Like, that fucker carried around, say what you will, but that fucker carried around that bag for a long fucking time. Not only that, he monopolized that genre. That was a legit genre when we started out. Yep. You remember? Like, there were prop comics. I mean, buddies with Rusty Dooley. Remember?

Rusty Dooley's fucking... Rusty Dooley was a prop comic. Yeah. But there's no prop comics anymore. There's fucking Carrot Top. He killed the genre. Wow. Dude, when I first started in 88,

you would have a prop comic on every other show. Three or four shows. You do three or four shows. One of those shows would have a prop comic on it. Now they don't exist anymore. So I really feel like in this I'm Dying Up Here we did a good job of bringing all that stuff back.

And this is set in 1973, but we got Ventriloquist. I can't wait for you to see this show. That's another thing. There's no more Ventriloquist. Who killed that? Probably, well, Jeff Dunham.

Yes, that's who it was. He owns it. He owns it. He owns it. And then there was, you saw Otto and George, right? Oh, I worked with Otto. No way. Many times.

Many times. We did prom shows together in New York. Oh my God. At Dangerfields. If people don't know what Otto and George is, maybe you can explain this since you worked with them, because I only saw him. The puppet would say the most vicious, vile, racist shit, and then he would go, I can't believe you're saying that.

And he'd go, cunt. Hey, look at this fucking lady. He's a c can't believe you saying that and you go cunt Hey cunt Just walk an entire room he would say ruthless ruthless shit. He was a great guy too dead Yeah, he died and you saw your had him in that small room And we watched tourist after tourist walk away and Tom Sawyer Tom Sawyer looked at the rest of the comics, again, are just hunched over on the floor. And he goes, I'm losing money this weekend, guys, but this is for us. That's great. Yeah.

Well, his act was ridiculous. We did Jersey Shore shows for this guy, Bob Gonzo. I did a lot of shows with Otto. He'd go looking for whores and crack. Oh, he would go off. Yeah, he would get crazy. He would get crazy. Yeah, but they're saying, so we have a ventriloquist in the

show. It's like petty fights. I get to write on it, so I get to incorporate all my fucking weirdness in there. Petty bullshit, bad intro intro fuck you oh that's nice yeah well you guys also got 1970s wardrobe and hair which is fucking badass i saw some photos of it my daughter walked up to me and um on set didn't say anything about my hair

i'm rocking the biggest mustache for you i'll post a picture i'm just rocking the i think it's on it's online jamie could probably find it. Huge, real mustache, big sideburns that are mine, and then this wig. My daughter walks up and she goes, why are you wearing a towel? It's a Terry Clough shirt. That towel's the thing that bothered her. Why is your shirt made out of a towel? I don't understand. This is kids growing up.

How are your kids growing up? Do they know stand-up comic dad? They're figuring it out. Yeah. I brought my... Living in New York, practicing for a Comedy Central special that I don't think one person saw.

And I go... Was it an hour or a half? Hour. When did you do it? I did it in 2014, 2013. So it's something they gave you once you started doing the Daily Show? Daily Show special came out. How many times did they do it?

I was crying. Twice. Just fucking midnight on a Friday. Those motherfuckers. Yep. You burn a special with them. Yeah. Yeah, it's a problem.

Well, you know what? And then they're like, but you can catch it online at ComedyCentral.com. Nobody's going there. No one is going there. It's not happening. You know what I want them to do? Sell it to Netflix. Sell them to Netflix or have a billboard.

Really have a campaign that says Dave Attell, Jim Gaffigan, Joe Rogan, like all these names of just every comic that you love and watch, all available here, $2. Right. Like, you know what I'm saying? But they're not going to do that because no one's going to do it. Like, you have to have something on a platform that people already use. Sell them all to CISO. You have Amazon.

You have Netflix. And you have, like, Apple. That's it. No one else is going anywhere else. Yeah. It's just not going to happen. Yeah. It's too easy to do those things.

So anyway, I just burned that special. Anyway, so I'm practicing for that. I go up to Rochester, New York, bring my wife and kids with me. We stay in a Holiday Inn and Suites. And this is a six-year-old little girl, goes over to the curtains, opens them up, and she goes, Why am I looking at the parking lot? And I go, everybody gather around. This is the road.

Okay? Yeah, that's what I do. This is what daddy does. When you think I'm having a great time, they're flying around. It really gets sad. We're going to fight a businessman for a waffle tomorrow morning. Everybody shut up. Those Rochester road gigs are rough

like those spots where people don't necessarily want to go Albany Rochester oof oof yeah it was

a bar it was attached to a country western bar called Daisy Duke's oh Jesus yeah look that up it's fucking

brutal there was a place in Youngstown Ohio that I did that was attached to a disco and and there was a back door. And every time the back door would open up, like when people would go to the bathroom and hear. And the door would slowly close. Okay, so.

It was rough. I did this place, Laughs, in Kirkirkland washington washington and i go there and i'm doing this again if you watch these are like longer stories tangents characters shit like that for the most part like my closer is 25 minutes long jesus in this special it starts with this is the 2014 special no this is the one I'm doing right now That comes out this weekend Oh the one that comes out This weekend

20 minutes long Yeah So it's this big long Fucking bit that I've been Working on forever About revenge And my anger And like fucking

I did seafood revenge I trimmed the place That's why it's called Shrimping in easy Okay So I'm a fucking just Mess

And Well I forgot I just got off track. I forgot what I was fucking talking about. The road, opening up the parking lot, fighting someone over a waffle, Kirkland, Washington. Kirkland. So I'm at Kirkland and I'm in the middle of a big long story.

And they bring out these trays that have neon lights around them with jello shots on them. And everybody in the entire audience looks at these trays there they look like ufos they got jello shots on them and i go ladies and gentlemen we're going to interrupt this uh crafted uh bit that took me five years to master to bring you jello shots who wants a jello shot let's everybody do jello shots ladies and gentlemen jello shot time and i just started fucking selling the shit out of jello shots? Let's everybody do jello shots, ladies and gentlemen.

Jello shot time. And I just started fucking selling the shit out of jello shots as a bit because I'm like, this guy fucked up. Like this. I need everyone concentrating. Who was bringing out the jello shots? The owner and the waitresses are bringing out these trays. Did they tell you they were going to do this? Nope.

Just UFO trays of jello shots. This is at a comedy club? At a comedy club. Lose every single person in the audience. Is this a standard thing they do? I guess so. I just went with it. Is this like what they do at the end of the night?

There's just a big push at the end of the night. We're going to get some extra dollars in our coffers. I can't believe it was happening. I was shocked at the time. And then the owner comes up like I was serious, and he goes, holy shit. He goes, we sold out of Jell-O shots. You were amazing. That was unbelievable. Oh, my God. And then I walk in the next night. He's, we sold out of jello shots. You were amazing. That was unbelievable.

Oh, my God. And then I walk in the next night. He's got more jello shots. I mean, the kitchen is filled with them. Oh, my God. And those jello shots come out, and I don't say a thing. It's like fucking serious. Hey, I thought we were in business selling jello shots together.

Yeah. We had a good thing going on. I don't know if you know this. He goes, you didn't mention the gel shots. What are you doing? I go, yeah. I don't know if you can tell. I really hate the fucking gel shots.

Like, I go, it was just, it was horrible. You should not be selling them. I don't know. It's a huge distraction. What did he say? And it was just to teach you a lesson. Whoa. Did he sell any gel shots when you weren't pushing him?

No, zero. So he just had a huge... You should have probably explained that to him on the first night and then he would have got it. But he probably still would have sold them anyway. Fuck you, I made money. And he was a nice guy. It was just...

I don't know, man. It's hard for me to do. And, again, if you have people coming out that know you and you're going out to see something and you, like, collectively are a group of people that love an individual comic, it's a great place to be. But, again, if you're up there winning over 60% of the audience, ugh. It's not good. I'd rather just go hang% of the audience. It's not good.

I'd rather just go hang out at the store. Well, it's good to do the road, though, because, like, you can. I think, like, every time you do a set in a new place, you get a new experience, a new vibe, a new feel, new crowds. And I think places also have, like, a different personality. Like, I feel like Portland, Oregon has a different personality than a lot of places like you go up to Portland it feels different the audience feels different and then you go to Austin Texas different feeling yeah like a little lighter there little lighter a little more fun it's more silly I like doing shows in Canada in Toronto one of the best sets I've ever had my entire fucking life Toronto Vancouver is fun for me to go to

Canadians are just great audiences I don't know what it is they're just it's One of the best sets I've ever had in my entire fucking life. Toronto. Vancouver is fun for me to go to. Canadians are just great audiences. I don't know what it is. They're just, it's loose. They're not uptight about anything. 20% less douchebags. Really? Yeah.

That's my theory about Canada. They have 20% less douchebags than us. It must be what it is. There's always douchebags. It's just fun. Yeah. But they have 20% less. I was in that Vancouver comedy mix.

Great spot. Awesome spot. You go right to your hotel. It's in the hotel. You go down to the bottom floor, walk right into the club. All clubs underground. Comedy Works, DC Improv. That old Cobbs that we talked about.

All these great places. Underground Comedy Club. There's something about it. It's just fun. Anyway, so, I think there's three guys in the front row and I look at them and they keep going around the bathroom. I'm like,

you guys are doing coke, huh? And they're like, yeah. We're doing coke. I look at the bouncer and I'm like, these guys are clearly doing coke. Like that, no one, you shot them in the front row and then he goes, well, they paid shot him in the front row and then because well they paid to sit in the front yeah yeah they got coke money well vancouver is a big coke town really yeah it's a big weed town but it's also a big coke town they um i was one of the points

where i and it's sunday night after that set and i go after that weekend, it's the last Sunday, I'm hanging out with this great comic up there Graham Clark and bearded guy, looks like the young Santa Claus like all, you know, Vancouver comics and we go and we're having drinks at a bar nearby and these

two girls send over these two shots of Jack Daniels and he's not an attractive fella. I'm no Brendan Chobb. And so we go, what? Yeah. Really?

And they look over our shoulders. Is this for us? And I go, okay. They must have been at the show. That's what. Must have been at the show. They weren't at the show. Hmm.

Weird. There's a lot of chicks in that town. Maybe they wanted your liver. Yeah, that's what must have been at the show. They weren't at the show. Hmm. Weird. There's a lot of chicks in that town. Maybe they wanted your liver. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I immediately go to fucking me in the bathtub. Right. Taking with no organs. Wake up, ice is on you.

Totally. Oh, Jesus. That's what I'm, I'm very suspicious. Right. Because I'm rocking a wedding ring. Right. Exactly. Not people's sexiest man alive.

You know, I'm talking, my wife is very attractive. But. It is what it is. I'm not pulling any chicks after shows and i'm no uh you know brian callen's outgoing nice guy you're not i'm not brian so why is this why are they i don't know so then they come over and this is i've never felt so bad about like these two chicks they're hot and i immediately go to we're gonna die like they're trying to drug us and take some shit and then uh because i can't offer any explanation for it and neither can graham and so we send them back shots and we don't go over there we're just like okay it's even now and then they come join us at a table and then the one girl

starts talking to us we're like were you guys at the show? And they're like, what show? And then I go, we're chit-chatting. And the one girl goes, she goes, I really want to go to strip clubs right now. And I was like, fucking, this is like a fucking fantasy for me to fucking go to strip clubs with these hot chicks. And Graham looks at me and I go, well, i got a flight to catch and i guess i'll just see you guys later and i just fucking walked away and that's never happened it's happened in vancouver you walk around that city and there's this place called the cactus club

and have you been there no oh my god is it? They cast with headshots. They staff their whole place with headshots. Really? It's the most gorgeous woman you've ever seen in your entire life working at a place. The Cactus Club. The Cactus Club. Why do they call it the Cactus Club? I don't know where they came up with that name.

A lot of pricks? Yeah. So, yeah, it's a lot of just hot chicks, and that's what I saw in Vancouver. It was just, again, hot chicks. and that's what I saw in Vancouver. It was just hot chicks. I think prostitution is legal. Oh, do you think they were prostitutes? They might have been prostitutes. So they got you drinks thinking they'd get these guys intoxicated.

Look at him. He's got glasses on. He looks like an executive or something. He's got some whore money. Yeah, he's got a little whore stash. Speaking of whores, I just went to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. Where's that? I did a private gig.

It's on the end of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Okay. And then it's on Wilshire and it hits. And it's an old hotel and me and Tom Pompa did a charity gig on Monday night. And it's an old hotel, and me and Tom Papa did a charity gig on Monday night. So then me and Tom hit the bar afterwards and proceeded to watch a parade of high-end whores go through that place, picking off old men left and right to the point where we were just shocked. It was amazing.

Good-looking ladies. Well, there's that crazy Beverly Hills money. You know, just the other day I was looking at real estate in Beverly Hills for a goof. You ever look at, like, the Redfin app? Oh, I love that. I love to do that every now and then. Me too. If I was going to move to Beverly Hills, let's see what I could afford. I'm looking at...

Nothing! I could afford nothing! Well, it's all, like, $17 million house. $85 million, $100 million? $200 million? Dude. That's exactly who's buying it. Well, I went to dinner with my wife and one of her friends, her friend's husband, and

we went in Beverly Hills, and this guy pulled up in a million-dollar car. He had a Bugatti Veyron. It's a million-dollar car, and it has Saudi Arabian license plates on it. Gold-plated. Which is totally illegal. It's totally illegal to have Saudi Arabian license plates. Like, they're taking these cars. They either fly them over or they put them on a boat.

They have them registered in Saudi Arabia. They bring them to America, and they drive around with these plates on it. They had palace plates. Like, it said, like, palace on the fucking plate. And cops don't fuck with those guys because they're foreign dignitaries. Well, because there's so much money. Remember that one guy that was some sort of a foreign dignitary guy

and he was banging his maids or forced them to suck his dick or something like that and they called the cops on him and they arrested him and then they were going to process him and charge him with rape and he just fucking hopped in a private jet and flew out of the country. And they were saying, why then they were going to process him and charge him with rape. And he just fucking hopped in a private jet and flew out of the country. Yeah.

And they were saying, why did you let this guy go? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. It's like diplomatic immunity. He was crying diplomatic immunity. Yeah.

But. Forcing maids. I'm just thinking about my maid. It's this old fucking Mexican lady. Forcing her to suck my dick. So the money. I always think of Arnold. What he did.

But the money in that area, in Beverly Hills area, is just, it's catastrophic. I mean, it's stratospheric, rather. It's off the charts. Like, you can't even understand. Like, a guy who makes good money is poor there. I'm a poor person there. I do well, but I'm poor there. Sure.

When you get into oil money or people who who own oligarch money yeah yeah and even in the united states when you have people that have been here for so long and generated you know the sun trumps mayflower fucking shit where it's like oh yeah we own we used to my family used to own pasadena that's another trippy thing is that we talked about that. It's where there was so much money in Pasadena that they put that 210 freeway there. That's why it is where it is. So they keep the black people on the other side. What? That's exactly why that freeway is there.

Where do they keep the black people? Which side? On the other side, down north of Pasadena, that 210. Separates them? In Altadena. That's where the black people are? That's where the black people are. That's why they call of Pasadena, that 210. Separates them? In like Altadena. That's where the black people are? That's where the black people are. That's why they call it Crimadena.

Really? They call it Altadena Crimadena. No way. Yeah. Yeah, it's rough up there. Yeah. We were playing this youth basketball league when my son was maybe like a fifth grader, and the nicest man in the world who ran the basketball league just got hit by a bullet

in the head and fucking dead. Whoa. Yeah, Pasadena streets. There was this park. He got shot in Pasadena? Just stray bullet. A stray bullet? Yeah.

Who were they shooting at? Just each other, you know, gangs. Whoa, in Pasadena? Mm-hmm. There's gang violence in Pasadena? A shitload of it. What? Like near the ice house?

Not near the ice house. Ice house is on the right side. South side. This is a freeway. Go fucking north of that freeway and go up into the hills right there. And there's a shitload of crime. Shitload. Wow.

I saw there's this place called Villa Park where my son was playing soccer. And we went there and I saw guys getting their hair cut in the street. Like, just a guy sitting down and just buzzing. And a dude lines people just giving haircuts in the street. And I was like, everybody watch out. Like, this fucking rough neighborhood. We ever see dudes getting haircuts in the street? And you're like, fucking everybody look alive.

It's rough. And it's a lot of Latinos, you know. and there's also a lot of black on Mexican crime. I remember when that was happening in LA, the Mexican guys were just shooting black people. Yeah. Any black people. Really? Any of them? Yep.

Why? Trying to run them out of neighborhoods. Whoa. Yep. When you get into like MS-13 shit, that's where it starts to get scary. Well, that's where like white to get well that's where like scary white people get really pro-trump you know they get very excited about trump and that's ms-13 is one of the things they keep bringing up and all these illegal immigrants that have all these gangs for the most part when

you look at all of the people coming in to work um they don't want any trouble. Sure. Nobody, everybody wants to keep their head down, work these fucking, give themselves a chance. Right. No trouble.

And with anything, there's going to be bad apples. There's going to be the guy in San Francisco that everybody keeps referring to. Right. There's going to be gangs. Yeah, but you know what I see everywhere I go?

That is a huge fucking problem that is going, is just spreading like wildfires? Fucking meth. Yeah. Meth. Oh yeah. It's like when you go... Meth and Adderall, by the way. Adderall's bad? Oh, it's a huge problem. And it leads people to meth. Really? Oh yeah, for sure.

Adderall and meth are closely related. Wow. Very closely related. They're both amphetamines. I took a half of Adderall once and I closely related. Wow. Very closely related. They're both amphetamines. I took a half of Adderall once, and I was like, oh, yeah, never doing that again. Fucking. I did. What did you do? I'm not good on drugs.

It's, I took, Freddy Soto gave me an Ambien. He was an Ambien, unfortunately. Yeah. That's what did him in, wasn't it? It had to be. Sleep apnea and Ambien together? He was fat. Yeah. He's fat and sick, youien, unfortunately. Yeah. That's what did him in, wasn't it? It had to be. Sleep apnea and Ambien together? Like, he was fat. He was fat.

Yeah. He's fat and sick, you know, drugs. Well, when you have Ambien and sleep apnea, apparently it's a lethal combination because you don't feel yourself choking. Yeah, he gave me an Ambien. We moved. I took it. I was just sick.

I needed to take a nap, and I was all wound up. I slept for five hours straight in the middle of the day. I was like, I'm never fucking taking that again. And then took this Adderall and just felt all fucked up and just never. I'm bad. I don't think my body, I don't know, I don't do anything. I was getting really tired during the day, and I remember you told me to take some vitamin D, and so I started taking a multivitamin, and that really helps me, and I take a lot of B12.

That helps. You know what else will help you in a big way? Cut out all the bread and sugar and carbs. Cut out all that stuff because then the insulin spikes. You're not getting these big spikes, which is a big reason why people crash at the end of the day. It's bread, bread, pasta, all that stuff. Your body goes, fuck, and your body has to process that, and you get this big slump. As soon as you cut all that out, you experience a much more even flow of energy through the day.

Yeah. So if I could just learn to do like that. I'm like, again, I'm such a glutton, man. It's like fucking just bread. When the kids, my wife is making, because they have fresh loaves with this artisan bread that she has. And then they may bring peanut butter and jelly. And I'm just like a scavenger.

I'm a family goat. Like, I'll just eat the crust. Just like all the kids leave behind. That's fucking, I don't know. Sometimes I stop ordering food for myself at a restaurant because I know everyone's going to leave half their shit. Really? Or I'll order myself a full entree,

and then somebody will have half a chicken parmesan or something over on it because my son and daughter insist on ordering off the kids' menu. And so now I've got somebody eating a full chicken Parmesan, but they'll only eat half of it. And I'm not going to let that go to waste. And so I'll start digging into that. And then there's pasta there. I'm like, let me just try one of those raviolis. And then all of a sudden I ate like fucking three dinners.

So I weigh more than I ever have weighed in my entire life right now. Wow. One ninety three. Jesus, dude. now. Wow. One ninety three. Jesus, dude. Yeah. Wow. And I feel like it's again, I go to the gym on a regular basis and I lift and stuff like that.

But yeah, I fucking one hundred ninety three pounds. Yeah. It's the pasta and bread, man. If you just cut all that stuff out, you'll drop a shitload of weight right away. Quit being the family goat. That'll help. That'll help. You know, one of the things we were talking about that I think is kind of important, like

when you're talking about immigration and like bad apples and stuff like that, I look at immigration the same way I look at gun control. Like most people that have guns are law-abiding citizens and it's not going to be a problem. The vast, vast majority. And I think that's the same case with immigration and the same case of people coming to America, even illegally. They want to do better. That's why they're coming here.

They're not coming here because they want to start crime. Sure. Most of them are coming here because they want opportunities. With guns, I totally agree. I want a shotgun so badly. I need a double barrel. I want a shotgun. Yeah.

And I've shot a lot of guns, especially for The Daily Show. I've done- Shot guns for The Daily Show? Oh, my God. Is that mandatory? I've done so many. You guys going Show? Oh, my God. Is that, like, mandatory? I've done so many. You guys going to be telling jokes? You're going to have to learn how to fucking clear a room.

You got to learn how to defend yourself. Okay. All right. Follow me. Now, this is a Thompson machine gun. Trigger discipline. It's very important for the Daily Show. I've shot.50 caliber sniper busters.

.50 calibers are ridiculous. Yeah. Dude, I'll show you a video after this actually maybe this hasn't really even aired because it was part of a pilot

that I did I did a pilot for Comedy Central when I left a daily show it was an anti-travel show called This Place Sucks that didn't go dude I'll send it to you

that's a great idea just in concept dude it's the fucking Funny you know what they said What Too mean Everybody said it was too mean It's fucking hilarious I go

We did it in Kansas City I go hey everybody My name's Al Madrigal I'm in Kansas City I'm gonna tell you why This place sucks I got a pocket Just shit all over it

You need to just Do that online Oh yeah I should just put them out That is a great idea For all things comedy Why don't you just like Buy up the idea I should just put them out. That is a great idea for all things comedy. Why don't you just buy the idea? I totally should.

Do you own the idea? It's my idea. Oh, my God. That's a great idea. That idea, as soon as you set it up, bing, you know how someone says an idea and a light bulb goes off? Easy show. That's a real idea.

And I do it in San Francisco. When I do it, San Francisco's fucking filthy. It is one of the dirtiest cities I've ever been to in my entire life. And also, it's filled with rich douchebags now because of the internet boom and all this tech boom. Oh, yeah. Poor people are getting moved out. There's so much stuff to make fun of. So anyway, I made fun of...

I went to this place, OMB Guns, and I shot fucking machine guns, handguns. I shot everything. And then for the daily show, I went and I drove a tank. I got to drive tanks. I was doing these chieftain tanks that I was driving. I got to run over two Saturns in a tank. Really? Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

Whoa. How do you drive a tank? Like, what do you, is there a gas? No, yeah, it's levers. And there's a, so, yeah, you can watch. And there was this hot chick that they had that was working there that was on it with me. And at the same place, I got to fire machine guns. But I feel like when it comes to automatic weapons and the.50 caliber sniper buster and all that shit,

I don't understand why you need to own that. I liked shooting it. I'll go shoot that stuff again. I really enjoyed it. You're gonna see me shoot that.50 caliber thing? Right. Like, there was a shockwave. Oh, yeah. Like your head flies back. You can watch my

arms and the skin on my arms ripple after I fucking shoot it. Because I wore a sleeveless shirt to shoot it. Because he got it. And I fucking go, boom. Wow. And I enjoyed it. I like shooting that shit.

I want the shotgun to defend my house when everything goes to hell. Zombie apocalypse. Yeah, zombie apocalypse. I need a shotgun. I want just somebody to hear, ch-ch. Right. I'm like, get the fuck away from the door. You know what I have by my bed right now?

Hammers. A hammer hammer i have a hammer like bill this makes fun of me like he thinks it's the craziest thing like you keep it by your bed i keep a hammer under my bed like i'm gonna fucking get up and like close contact like hammer somebody yeah that seems like you thought it through like really, really like on a surface level. I have a magnum flashlight and I can't. A magnum flashlight. Yeah. That always kills me that people think they're going to club somebody with a flashlight.

No, no. I want a flashlight in one hand and blind them and then fucking run in and hammer. Why not a real weapon? I want a real weapon. I got knives. I have all close contact. How come you never got a gun? Oh, my wife.

Oh, one of them. Yep. I'll get one. I'm working on her. She gets it. Yeah, she knows. What you got to do is a false flag in the house. Hire some friends to break in.

Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. That's a terrible idea. A false flag. You're like the Dick Cheney of households. Oh, my God. a false flag you're like the Dick Cheney of households oh my god so yeah I want the gun badly but I feel like with an AK-47

and maybe you know people can write only bad things have happened with people you know sure there's responsible gun owners but you look at Dylann Roof and you look at you know Columbine you look at all these you know people getting shot up everywhere and Sandy Hook. Like, I don't want that to happen.

I don't want my kids. I was walking along. Well, you have a safe. You put your guns in a safe. Why do you need an AK-47? You don't. You don't need an AK-47. I'm saying have all the handguns.

But the thing is, like, who should be able to decide who gets what? That's where it gets weird. Yeah. And what about silencers, what? That's where it gets weird. Yeah. And what about silencers, too? Well, here's the thing. In Europe, silencers are thought of as a polite thing because we're over in America worried about shooting people. They're worrying about noise. So, like, if you have what they call a suppressor, they call a suppressor.

Like, if you're hunting, you would hunt with a suppressor on because you don't want to blow your fucking ears out, man. I'll put the links out to these two pieces that I did, Daily Show Spots. I'll do the one. If you go to my thing, Twitter, I'll put it out and I'll send them to you. When I drove the tank and fired all those guns and then I did a silencer piece as well. And the guy was saying he wanted to protect kids' ears with the silencers. And that's what Donald Trump Jr. is saying.

Kids. And I'm worried. The reality is, though, and this is true, I know a lot of friends that are hunters that shot guns as kids and they're fucked up now.

Their ears are a mess. Shouldn't they wear the... Yeah, they should. But they didn't when they were younger because they didn't know any better see 20 years ago People didn't know that you were gonna do permanent damage to your ear They didn't you didn't never heard about it like these people just shot guns, but I think also the unfortunate reality now Is that you could have somebody walking around undetected?

Shooting fucking shooting people in a college you could college. Yeah a community college. I was on KCRW and walking around the Santa Monica campus, and I really did think, I'm like, okay, who's the shooter? And that shouldn't be a thought. No, it shouldn't. Yeah, I mean, it's a mental health issue. Because, like, the only person that's capable of doing that is a person who's sick. Yeah. You know, and that's capable of doing that is a person who's sick. Yeah. And that's the other thing that doesn't come up when you're talking about mass shootings is whenever you hear about it in the news,

nobody makes the correlation, the inescapable correlation between psychoactive drugs and mass shootings because there's a lot of fucking mass shooters, like almost all of of them that are either on pharmaceutical drugs like ssris disassociative drugs or they're getting off of them anti-psychotic drugs there's what can be done is you're like there is no common ground you start having people make we live in this country where you should be able to do whatever you want uh and have whatever you want but then who gets to decide who gets a question what guns well Texas is sort of taking the idea that just everybody has a gun will arm society is a polite society you want my Ron White also and then teachers should have guns in the classroom and bulletproof helmets full vests. Jesus. AK-47s right there.

Right there. Put down the chalk. Da-da-da-da-da-da. I don't know, man. It sucks. Yeah, there's no easy solution. Well, it just, every time one of those things happens, everybody buckles down and wants to take away guns and try to figure out legislation.

And I just feel like the root of the problem is not the tools that people are using. It's the fact that someone's willing to use those tools. It's the of the problem is not the tools that people are using. It's the fact that someone's willing to use those tools. The fact that someone is willing to do that. The fact that those guns are more accessible is a genuine issue. But I think we can all agree that no one came for the guns. Obama, everybody's like, Obama's coming for the guns. Well, do you know why?

He never came for the guns. Because the NRA. Because the NRA is too strong. The lobby's too strong. They've spent a shitload of money and continue to spend a shitload of money to make sure they protect the Second Amendment rights. Yeah, but so you're saying if not for the NRA, that they would have taken all the guns. They would have definitely done something similar to what Australia did. Australia essentially made gun ownership very, very, very difficult.

They took away guns. They enacted very strict laws. And they had like one mass shooting a long time ago. They had a big mass shooting a long time ago. That's the thing that they don't have is like these big mass shootings. Yeah. You know, when you see. But Australia has the same amount of people as California. And it's the size of the United States.

Yeah, they just saw a thing. It was a map comparisons. Yeah. It blew your mind. It's like it's the exact same size. Yeah, they just saw a thing. It was a map comparison. It blew your mind. It's like it's the exact same size. Yeah, it's crazy. And people are spread, you know. Way spread out. And it's the same amount of people as Los Angeles.

And it's in this giant ass fucking country. So when you think about being able to take people's guns in Australia, it's different. The culture is different. The idea of independence is different over there. We have a different attitude over here. Yeah, I just don't want to You know when you have little kids again. Yeah, it's just your course changes You know which is like I don't ever want to worry about them growing up in a society where a teacher does have to think about Wearing a fucking helmet of course of course. I mean nobody wants think that. I don't know what the solution is, but the solution

look, getting the guns away from the people there's more guns than there are human beings in America. And they're not gonna stop making guns. That was a good business. Yeah, I don't think the guns are the problem. I really don't. I mean, I

support gun ownership. I really do. I don't think that's the issue. I think don't. I mean, I support gun ownership. I really do. I just don't think that's the issue. I think the issue is, look, we saw in France and Nice that some crazy fuck can take a car and kill 100 people by plowing over people. And just start stabbing people, too. Get out of a car and just fucking start stabbing folks. There's ways that people lose their fucking minds and do horrible things to people. And the ways are not things you have to take away. You have to figure out a way.

You take away all hammers? No. Right. Yeah. I don't know what the solution is, but I don't think anybody does. No, obviously not. The idea of taking all those guns away. But I think what you're getting at with the mental health stuff is I'm not opposed to

there being a screening process and seeing if you have a history of violence. Of course, yeah. And if you show up on a terrorist watch list, and that's where I think the NRA goes overboard. It's like, if you're on a fucking terrorist watch list, who doesn't agree with that? Well, the only problem with that is who gets to decide who's on that terrorist watch list. Because there was people that were from the Green Party that were put on terrorist watch lists after 9-11. Because they were anti-war protesters. And they were put on terrorist watch lists after 9-11 because they were anti-war protesters, and they were put on no-fly lists.

There was a lot of weird shit that happened where people were put on lists because they pissed off the wrong people. And, you know, in 2001, it was way easier to do something like that than it is to do it today. But then you go to buy a gun, and then they say, I'm sorry, you can't purchase this weapon because you're on this list. And then you can go— Go to a gun show. That's part of the problem. Yeah. Go to a gun show, and you can buy a gun far easier. Go to a gun show and you can buy a gun far easier.

In Kansas City. They're trying to tighten that down though. Kansas, you can go and people correct me if I'm wrong. That show called This Place Sucks. What am I? And so you go to Kansas and then you can get a gun with no, you know, just an ID, Kansas ID, and get it in maybe like five minutes, zero train. It's nothing. Just you get it right away.

You don't have to have a background check? Nothing. Is that true? Yes. Was that true like when you did in 2014? When I did this piece. Yeah. But you can look at, can we check that?

Yeah. Gun laws. Kansas gun law. No background check. no background check. No background check. I'm pretty certain. So, this guy, listen to this guy does with his grandma. He walks into this place, and he goes, I can't, the guy says, I can't buy the gun.

But she can. Like that, and he buys these four guns or something, and he kills a bunch of people. So. Federal law requires federally licensed firearms dealers, but not private sellers, to initiate a background check. On the purchase or prior sale of a firearm, as a result, concealed weapons license holders in Kansas are exempt from the federal background check requirement. Yeah. It's crazy. No training, no background check.

But hold on a second. Concealed weapons license holders. Like, you have to have a concealed weapons license, which is difficult to acquire. It's not easy to get a concealed weapons license unless they have a different law there. Background checks in Kansas. That's concealed, but I think you can just get it.

But concealed weapons is, like, the hardest thing to get is a concealed carry. Federal law provides states with the options of serving a state. Kansas has no law requiring firearms dealers to initiate background checks prior to transferring a firearm. As a result, in Kansas, firearms dealers must initiate the background check required by federal law by contacting the FBI directly. Kansas is not a point-of-contact state.

Huh. So they have to contact the FBI. Federal law does not require dealers to conduct a background check if a firearm purchaser presents a state permit to purchase or possess firearms that meet certain conditions. So it seems like there's definitely some wiggle room. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And then, you know, that's what I was talking about, these gun shows where you can just go gobble up a bunch of firearms and then you can bring them into, that's what they just transport them across state lines. It's one of those things like

many human issues where there's not a whole lot of like clear paths. It's like there's so many guns, you're never going to take them all away from people. And should you take them all away from them? Like if a guy like you has a gun, I don't feel like you like no danger or a threat unless you get in one of your goddamn tirades maybe I'm not the best example I'd shoot a hack

stealing what he's got a gun so did you hear that bit like not a bit the video Carlos Mencia was on Joey Diaz's show saying they thought about bringing a gun around and going to the comedy store and shooting people. And he was carrying a gun in his car. No way. Yeah. Crazy. Well, there, maybe you shouldn't have a gun. Yeah.

Jesus. That's where I start thinking about Ojai, which brings me back. And then I start thinking about, you know, I look at Redfin. Ojai? I look at Trulia. I would go to Ojai. Oh, living out there, you mean? Living in Ojai. Ojai's weird. Checking out. I would go to Ojai. Oh, living out there, you mean? Living at Ojai.

Ojai's weird. Checking out. I was in Ojai recently. It's weird. Really? Yeah. Everybody talks about how great it is. I think the resort is great. Oh, yeah. We did an Airbnb out there in Ojai. I was like, eh, I'll have to come back. Not feeling it? What about nice restaurants?

What about when you get out to like... Montecito. Oh, that's fucking just... Beautiful. That's like 1 get out to like- Montecito. Oh, that's fucking just- Beautiful. That's like 1%. That's like $12 million house territory. That's really- That Saudi Arabian chic has a- Beautiful.

Beautiful view. No, rich people found the good spots. That's a good spot. Yeah, they really did. Yeah. I like that Santa Barbara. I like that Santa Ynez. Yeah.

I like to go up the coast. If everybody looks at this, you want to go look at Cambria. Where's that? It's in the middle of California. It's just a coastal town. There's a place called Avila Beach. It's all that gets into like San Luis Obispo County. Ah.

Right in the middle. People will have it. It's a little bit too far to drive. It'll take like three and a half hours out of LA. Little town. Walk to the coffee place with the dogs. My buddy John Hackleman lives in San Luis Obispo. He's Chuck Liddell's old karate trainer.

I would say he counts Pauly with Chuck Liddell. Did you really? I didn't know him or anything. I just knew it was like, oh, that fucking guy. Yeah. What is this? That's Cambria. That's Cambria?

That's Cambria. That's pretty. Yeah. Is that off the 101? Yep. Yeah, it just laid out on the beach. Is that off the 101? Yep. Yeah, that's pretty. It looks quiet. But San Luis Obispo is fucking great.

There's no one there. It's just a college, and it's real quiet. There's Morro Bay is also another. They got that big rock, and then you can just go fish. You can do a bunch of shit like that. So that's, again, I am so high strung and i do like you know i feel like i'm prone to like i can't be walking around telling dads at my school to fuck off you know do you do that i told one guy to go far i go you're a real fucking asshole

you know what happened he's just a he's a fucking dick to my son the dad was the dad was he was a basketball coach and i saw him and I go, hey, you're a real asshole. You know that? Whoa. And, uh, because no dads talk to each other like that. And, uh, yeah, I called this guy an asshole. And I felt bad. Again,

I feel fucking bad. I don't want to do it, but I did it. And he's a dick. And everybody knows he's a fucking dick. And, well, is he a coach? He was a coach for a couple years. At a school? Yeah.

Is he still there, isn't he? Or is he done? He's done. Yeah, he's done. Yeah? Well, there's a lot of people that can't. I mean, the stress of being a comic, right, is one kind of stress. Imagine the stress of dealing with hormonally active 17-year-olds every fucking year.

New ones coming in, just chaos. These are much younger yeah 14 no not even that just like being an asshole to an 11 year old oh well he's a piece of shit

yeah yeah exactly yeah well there's a lot of fucking stress and raising people and teaching kids and dealing with the problems that kids present

you know yeah a lot of people here's another thing that's going on today people think they can have a kid and then have careers too.

And everyone has a career. The mom has a career. The dad has a career. Everybody has a career. And when are you watching the kid? Who's paying attention to the kid? I went to a party and I've talked about this in the podcast before. This one little kid was just running around hitting everybody and doing it.

The parents are inside drinking. They were in the party drinking. And the kid's out there with the other kids. And then finally the guy comes out and apologizes. I'm sorry. He's a good kid. He's not a good kid like he's hit three kids yeah yeah yeah i told him what the kid did he goes he never did that i go i saw him do that watched your son being and the guy's like i said i'm sorry i'm like oh my god i want to kill you

yeah like do you understand i want to grab your neck and choke the life out of you i'm containing myself you fucking cunt yeah so i get into putting into putting those things, yeah. But I keep it cool. I keep it cool, Al Madrigal. I know. How do you do it? I don't know. Because I practice murder on a daily basis. Oh, my God. I just murder a punching bag or I run out of pills.

I get it out of my system. Bert just told me this story about you exercising such calm. You and Tate, and that guy with his shirt off that was trying to get into your hotel room. Oh, yeah. And I would have fucking, I don't know what I would have done. I'm not gonna,

you know, that's the other thing. It's like, I would just probably call security. Well, that guy wound up being unconscious. Yeah, because Tate put him to sleep, right? Yeah, Tate choked him unconscious, but Tate was nice to him. He could have taken his life. That guy was a real piece of shit.

He was a big, giant dude. He was like 6'6", and he was a bully. And he thought, you know, because he was so tall, he thought the people were scared of him. But, you know, he fucked with the wrong guy in Tate. First of all, a guy who's been arrested, been around bad people his whole life, been in numerous street fights, was a professional fighter, was on the ultimate fighter, was a black belt in jujitsu. I mean, everything was wrong. And Tate was trying to be calm with the guy. And the way Tate handled it, like they fought in a hotel lobby right in front of the elevator.

And the guy was pounding on his door saying, you're in my fucking room. Like the guy was just a cunt. And Tate was like, nope, look, my key works here. It's definitely my room. And he shuts the door on me. He goes, hey, you fucking faggot. You think you can get away with shutting this fucking door?

He goes, open this fucking door. I told you you're in my room. And then we all went outside. It was me and Eddie Bravo and Tate. We're looking at this guy and we're looking at his friend and we're trying to figure out how we're going to do this. Like this, this has to be dealt with. Like this is not a guy that's going to go away. He was a big, drunk, dumb guy. And Tate decides the way to handle it is,, and then he grabs him and pulls him on top of him. So the guy literally has no idea why Tate is doing this. So he buckles. He kicks his leg, grabs him, and pulls him on top of him, and pulls him into what's called the guard, like in jiu-jitsu,

and then wraps him up in something called an omoplata, which is a shoulder lock. So he throws. I mean, this is all instantaneous. Kick, pull, throws his shoulder over him. Then the security guards show up. The security guards show up and they go, hey, hey, hey, what the fuck is going on? And I go, relax. I go, everything's going to be fine. He's just going to choke him to sleep.

And the security guard goes, Joe Rogan? Are you Joe Rogan? Are you Joe Rogan? Holy shit, man. What are you doing here? While I said this, like, he's just going to choke him to sleep. Tate goes, all right, I guess I'm going to choke him to sleep now. I mean, this is all happening within seconds. Tate sinks a rear naked choke on this guy and just squeezes him unconscious, gets off of him, doesn't hurt the guy at all, doesn't hit him. All he does is kick his leg out from under him, take him down him unconscious the guy his friend picks his friend up and i go get your fucking cunt friend and get sober him up and get him out of here and he's lucky nothing happened

and he's like i'm sorry man my friend's piece of shit i'm sorry his friend picks his friend up the guy's like delirious they push him him in an elevator. Elevator door closes. He disappears from life. Never see him again. That's it. The end of it. I take pictures with the fucking security guards. They're smiling. I go, it's fine. I go, he's a drunk asshole. Do you think we should call the cops? I go, no. I go, that guy's humiliated. I go, unless

he comes back. If he comes back, he's going to get fucked up. But right now everything's fine. Don't call the cops. So they're laughing and everyone's laughing. We took couple pictures together went back in the room went and got some dinner and we were laughing yeah but when that dad is in your face at the party that exercise that calm uh is is that's again that's the thing that i struggle with when mike costa is on stage and i'm being completely honest like i don't again this is how I feel it's just something that takes over and I'm like I can't help but say hey your son is hitting that guy like this is not

cool this is not okay yeah parents don't watch their kids and then their kids are just complete assholes well they go to parties and they drink and they leave the kids outside and this parents, these particular parents, they don't watch the kid ever. This is like what they're famous for apparently in their group. They just don't watch this kid. They just, they don't want to be parents. They became parents in their 40s.

They didn't really plan it out. I don't know if the parents get along. I don't know. I don't know how, but the whole thing looks like a disaster and the kid's a little monster. And they just are not They're not disciplining him paying attention and like he literally went out and talked to the kid and there was some commotion going on Where people complaining about the kid hitting somebody he talked to the kid and then he high-fived him And then the kid went back to doing it again

I mean literally he went back inside to drink the kid went back outside again So at the end of the night when this guy apologized to me, like the kid was doing it all night. I go, hey, man, your kid is really aggressive. He's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the kid. I go, your kid is really aggressive. He goes, no, he's a good kid. I go, look, he hit three people.

I saw him hit people. I saw him push a kid and call him a loser. I go, he's fucking six and he's doing this. He goes, that never happened. I'm like, you know, know I understand consequences this is why I bite my tongue I understand like the the actual consequences of of smacking this guy in his fucking mouth which is what I wanted to do yeah you know of course I want if there was no consequences to doing anything and I didn't think of him as a person I didn't think of him as a guy

who just never raised a kid before hasn't really thought about it well has a big career probably busy all the time wife's busy all the time just not doing a good job raising a little monster you know drinking to try to drown out the fact who knows why you know drinking because he doesn't like being married drinking because he doesn't like being a dad drinking because he doesn't like being sober who knows i don't know i't know the guy. But in that moment when he's looking at me and going, that never happened, I just, just the fucking sheer ignorance and incompetence and irresponsibility

was just so infuriating. Because I watch my kids like, I watch them. I talk to them. I communicate with them. I know, I didn't have a good childhood. So for me, it's important to be a good dad and spend as much time as I can communicating with them. I didn't have a good childhood. So for me, it's important to be a good dad and spend as much time as I can communicating with them. Explaining shit.

Talk to them. Treating them like I'm not just their dad, but also I'm their friend and I care about them. My wife is a first grade teacher and she's becoming an educational therapist right now. And so I'm like living with just a master at consequences. Like if you don't eat in our house or decide you don't like broccoli, nothing else is coming. Good. Like, that fucking, like, kitchen is closed.

And that's when people create monsters when they cater to them so much. That's okay. I mean, and that's where you, like, your kid only eats fucking rice. I have a friend who, and he keeps feeding his fucking kid sugar. This kid just eats nothing but sugar all day.

He goes, he doesn't eat. He doesn't eat. I go, what do you mean he doesn't eat? He's always eating cookies. It's because he won't eat his food. I got to feed him something. I go, no, dude. You got to tell him you can't eat the cookies.

You got food. You got actual food. This fucking kid is just eating nothing but candy. I mean, it's bananas. He's always got a soda in his hand, and he's six. He's fucking six, and he's drinking a full Coke. Like, you go over to the house, the kid has a root beer. We saw these kids.

We were on a flight, and saw these two parents sit in first class and then come back and check. We didn't know what was going on. They put the kid in coach. They put three next to each other in coach. These motherfuckers. I know. Crazy, right? And then everybody else has to each other in coach. These motherfuckers. I know. Crazy, right? And then everybody else has to deal with their kid.

They gave each of them iPads. Oh, my God. Right? And then the waitress, the stewardess comes by, and she looks at these three kids and looks around for who they're with. How old are the kids? I'm telling you, eight is the oldest one. How old are the kids? I'm telling you, eight is the oldest one.

Eight, maybe six, and four, three, just in a row. Oh, Jesus Christ. And the oldest one goes, three sprites. Three sprites. This is a red eye. This is an overnight flight. They're on iPads like just animals. Don't stop trying to win something.

And then we're sort of laughing at first. But everybody in our family wants to go to sleep. Everybody's exhausted from being out all day. I've never. This is a while ago. I'll never be on this flight again. No red eyes for me. That's horrible.

They fuck you up for days. Two days afterwards you're fucked. Yeah. Try to do anything in your power to avoid a red eye. Also try to do everything in your power to avoid fucking, if you can fly non-stop, that's what 100%. Yep. Yeah. So they get in a

fight after a while. Oh no. They start fighting because they're all hopped up on sugar and they've been staring at the screen and a while. The kids start fighting. Because they're all hopped up on sugar and they've been staring at the screen. So then they start fighting. And I think the mom of the dad hears or somebody has to tap him to get up. And me and my wife are like, this is not okay.

Nothing was said. Because again, we just want to mind our own business ideally. Ideally everyone mind our own business, ideally. Right. Again, ideally, everyone minds their own business. This is a new world, though, this world of electronic babysitters and the world of putting the kids in coach and you go into first class,

like ignoring kids, and it's these career people. There's a lot of people that, look, their career requires all their time. They justify by going, look, someone's got to make the money in this household so we can keep up this lifestyle. And so they're out there fucking grinding all day. And then the kids are just, what do I do? Who's raising me? This is going to bring us full circle to my dad passing away. Is that every single weekend, and this is why I bought that FJ62 Land Cruiser.

Because every single weekend we went on a little family trip. And I looked at myself and we go on family vacations and stuff but the amount of time that my family really spent together like a mom and a dad like he would take us to Yosemite he would take us up the coast to Mendocino we'd go to Marin or Stinson Beach and all these places even Golden Gate Park like he would just take us places little little adventures, you know. And so I feel like we need to, I get caught up in work, working because, you know, just nonstop. And I got to take a step back and really spend as much time as I possibly can.

So after that happened, this is June, this is almost a year ago, just really try to trim back. I go to every single volleyball game. And this is June. This is almost a year ago. Just really tried to trim back. I go to every single volleyball game. I go to every practice I possibly can. You know, and just force yourself to say this is not, it doesn't matter that much because you look at all these deathbed. That's what I started looking at, all these deathbed regrets. Those are a bunch of lists that are out there. Jesus.

Too much time spent at work. Yeah. Not enough time spent with people that I love. You know, and you look at all these things, and it's like, fuck it. I'm not having any of these regrets. So that's what I'm thinking. I start looking at the real estate and trying to look at getting away, you know, just really checking out. And that's why I'm trying to hustle and make as much money as I can and

Kids are in a house Where you gonna go? That's what I'm checking into. That's why I know a lot about Cambria That's why I'm a big sir one of those places I could go up there And you're you're away and just live on the coast and then be able to come back like if I get an acting gig I love acting I like I really enjoy it. I love acting. I like it. I really enjoy it. I love writing, too. I luckily had some success recently as a comedy writer. And it's one of the CBS people. I was trying to match up with the Latino showrunner.

And two years ago, they go, no, no, that's you. You're going to be that guy. And there aren't really any, but we're grooming you to be that. And I wrote two big scripts. And then with that business background, I have the ability to sort of do that. I like working with people, and I think I could staff up and do all that shit. So I could see myself splitting my time, keeping a little house in L.A., and then having a place in Cambria or Santa Barbara and just fucking.

Go back and forth. Santa Barbara is easy. It's only an hour. Yeah. Hour and ten. Just live on the beach and have, you know. Yeah. A blue healer.

Also just be able to sit back and watch the ocean. Just calm yourself. You know. And that's what, again, fucking Ari Shafir said that when he was walking on a beach and he needed to walk to a restaurant 40 minutes that he had this feeling in his head that oh i need to be doing something right now and then he needed to curb that and he needed to just watch the waves yeah that was it yeah not. Yeah. Not think about it. And that's what I have is the problem I have is I have a, when you try to meditate, people have said there's a river of 20,000 thoughts.

Mm-hmm. That you get just nonstop. And I've been waking up every single night at 2 o'clock in the morning. Every night? Almost, not every night, but four or five nights a week. Why? Different reasons? Different reasons? Different thoughts?

And then just thinking about stuff nonstop. Well, you see, you're saying to me two different contradictory things. You're saying that you want peace and you want calm, and then you're saying you want to start running shows. And then you're saying you want to start running shows. And then you're saying you want to start having multiple careers. I want to be able to work, come into town, do a gig. Right. You can't be a showrunner. Work on a thing for like, so the show that I'm on is 10 episodes.

Right. And we worked on that for five months. And then I wanted to do nothing else. Right. But you know that when you work on a show, you're working 16 hour days. Like if you want to be a showrunner for a successful show, the amount of time that's required to actually make something take off. Sure.

It's massive. No. You have to manage a bunch of different people and expectations and. But it's a, it's a portion of your year. Yeah. So it'd be like working seasonal work almost. Right. For me, that's the ideal version is to act on a show that has an episode order and then

go back to Santa Barbara and then do nothing. It's not a bad idea. And then come back and be able to just control your own work is really what I want to do. Right. You need the financial freedom to be able to do that. And then those shows pay really well. So I'm just trying to map out. And I don't have the answer.

I'm thinking, and this is certainly not something I'm doing right now. But, again, when you work seasonally, then you can really take some time to just hang out and read on a deck and make dinner and that's your go shop for an individual meal every day go and fish and do shit like that yeah you seem like you're longing for this um idealistic view of peace and quiet while pursuing chaos yeah it's just they're very contradictory you understand what i'm saying oh totally well this is something i promised myself it's like i was gonna bust my ass until i was 50 and i'm 40 i'm about to turn 46 and then just take it as it comes when realistically i should just take it as it comes right now and not now i hustle really hard. You know, I have 10 things going on.

Yeah. It's a weird balancing act trying to figure out how to manage your life for ultimate happiness. And then sometimes, like, the real ultimate happiness comes after you've had struggle. Like, you only really appreciate sunlight if you get a lot of rain. Like, I went to prince of wales island in alaska for six days once and we're up there camping it's fucking miserable pouring rain every day but when i came back to la god damn i was happy the sunlight felt so good i mean it felt it's like the sunlight's out there right now it doesn't feel like shit i get my car god it's hot

i drive off i don't appreciate it but when I came back from Alaska I really fucking appreciated it and I feel like some amount of the peace and quiet that we seek and we enjoy you're only gonna appreciate if you struggle like you're only gonna appreciate like real relaxation feet up at the beach if you've been busting your ass for me what I think a tremendous amount of calm comes from is and this is I don't know you can tell me is just financial freedom like I don't have a house payment hanging over my head and I don't have all this stuff that I'm just worried about and I I tend to worry a lot about that stuff. That's why I work my ass off.

Like, I really want to just, and I'm overcomplicating my life. But I am, and don't get me wrong, you see me, I'm a happy guy. But I just, when you're waking up in the middle of the night at 2 o'clock in the morning, thinking about all the shit that you have to do, you have to pare some stuff down. Yeah, there's that for sure. When you're financially free, it removes a gigantic burden. I remember my first development deal. That was the first thing I felt.

I got a development deal way back in the 90s. And the first thing that happened is they sent me this big fat check. And all of a sudden, I felt lighter. Like something like I took a backpack off filled with rocks. Like now I knew that i could pay my bills for the foreseeable future i was gonna be able to pay my bills for the next like more than a year if i wanted to do nothing sit back for a year and live the way i'm living i'd have no problem paying my bills and uh it was a very tangible feeling like okay now that i have this momentum i've got to keep this going because i don't ever want to go back to that feeling of not being able to pay my bills.

Because that's the real struggle. The real struggle is like financial independence. Once you become financially independent, then there's levels to it. You know, like you want to have one of those Montecito houses or have a fucking private jet or you want to get crazier and crazier and crazier. You're just overly complicating yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the assistant thing. Exactly.

That's because, so I feel like this level right here, so I'm living in the house that I want to live in. I'm not, I'm never moving. And we're good. In terms of the LA, sort of raising my kid's house, like we're in a great little place. Love it. I live in Pasadena. It's like, and there's... You have wildlife in your yard. You send me pictures of deer

in your yard. Yeah, exactly. There's deer, coyotes, you know, and all kinds of... A bobcat jumped out behind me the other day. Jesus. Yeah, I was running... There's bears in Pasadena. Do you know that? They jump into people's pools. Only in those black neighborhoods. Racist. Yes.

Black bears, too. How weird. Totally. And so, hey, I'm cool. I don't want, I don't need to fly private. I don't need to. I'm sure that's nice. I have no aspirations. Again, I just want to live comfortably.

But once you fly in first class, it's difficult to go sit by the bathroom in between two other people. So there's certain luxuries that I want to be able to afford. But again, I just want to chill out, hang out in the backyard, have a drink with my wife, and fucking have people over and barbecue. Right. That's it. That's all I'm after. That's totally doable.

If you can be content with that, that's very peaceful and that's a great thing. And then also getting satisfaction out of creating stuff and making stuff and working at the same time. And even if it's shit that this guy that I bought this house from left me his table saw and all a bunch of wood. Is he making furniture? What are you doing? Are you making furniture? I'm not doing anything with it. Are you thinking about doing something with it?

I'm thinking about, like, I gotta use this stuff. Do you know how to use a table saw? No. Well, learn. Don't cut your fucking fingers off. No, never. No, no, no, no. I was like, just no thumbs. No.

What are you gonna make? He left, like, some birdhouse stuff there. I'm just one of these old men that, like, tinkers and makes shelves and stuff like that for people. And my dad was an artist, and my Uncle John is an artist. And, you know, put together these sculptures with all wood, and he was, like, a very skilled carpenter. So I always, like, looked at those guys thinking, I got to do this shit. And I just want to, like, yeah, there's a bunch of, I got to do this shit. Really? Yeah.

There's a bunch of shit I like to do like that. I want to tinker. I want to fly fish. Fly fishing is fun. See? I used to fly fish a lot. There's a casting thing in the Arroyo in Pasadena where there's an Arroyo casting club where it's all these old men just practicing. Where do they fly fish in Pasadena?

Is there a river there? No, there's a whole place where it's like they've, it's just a body of water where they, it's all man-made. Oh, just like a little pond? Yeah. Oh, so then they go out, they take trips to places? Yeah, they'll go out and they'll do a Sierra. I was in Bozeman this summer, Bozeman, Montana, and we went by this place where all these people were fly fishing. And it made me so excited.

I'm like, God, I want to go back and do that. But it was weird because they catch them release. And I was like, okay, now you're weirding me out. Because you're just putting a hole in that fish's face and you're letting them back. Like, this is kind of fucked up. My buddy, Daily Show guy, just went to Russia to go fly fishing. He's super into it. And he bought a place in upstate New York that has a river right by it.

He's in it all the time. That's what he comes up for. Well, if you can do a place where you can catch the fish and eat it, goddamn, on the shore, if you have a little cast iron frying pan, make a little campfire and have some shore lunch, oh, it's so delicious. See, for me, that is the sort of ultimate, hanging out with my wife, having a glass of wine, doing that, reading, and then going to bed.

But do you really want to do it, or do you like the romantic idea of doing it? We're going to fucking find out. But right now, it's just the romantic idea of doing it. Oh, totally, yeah. But I do like going. We've gone away a couple times. My kids are just at the point where they went away for a sleepover, and this only happened one time.

And me and my wife drove up into Altadena and heard about this hike that people do and took the dogs and went on this hike, and we had a blast. And I know that if I can mix in the proper amount of work and the proper amount of just chilling out, I'll love it. I have three hammocks in my backyard that I don't use. I barely land them. Yeah, so this is what I'm getting out of you. I'm getting that you're thinking about this romantic idea of relaxation and peace and quiet. Look at RVs constantly. Look at vacation homes nonstop. But meanwhile, you're also planning on doing a bunch of shows and being an executive producer and a showrunner and a writer and a stand-up performer and you're acting.

Yeah, I've got a ton of shit going on. And you're yelling at people. Yelling at people unnecessarily. Talking about eventually getting to a cognitive therapist and eventually starting meditation. It's like you have this idea. Just do it now. Yeah, well, yeah, for sure. You should have already done it. Like all these things like you have this idea. Just do it now. Yeah. Well, yeah, for sure. You should have already done it.

All these things you should have already done. So this is the problem with me is money. Okay. So the ATC I don't do for any money. I've put nothing but money in. So that's not about money at all. So that's starting like I started my stand-up career. Eventually that will be great.

I know it will. It takes a lot of work, but that's just... What is the idea behind it? Okay, so we took... All Things Comedy, by the way. So this is, All Things Comedy is, me and Bill came up with the idea that comedians should own and distribute

all of their own content. When I first showed up in L.A., worked on a TV show with Cheech, from Cheech and Chongong who told me to do two things because be nice to every single person you meet out in the public every bus boy is going to have the cheech is an asshole story if you're a dick to anybody so try to be as nice to as many people as you can and then he goes also you want to own every single piece of content you ever put out there because and he goes i owned all the movies and i owned all the albums so every single day there's all this mailbox money and that we get

but as comedians we're starting everybody's starting all these podcasts and this is 2010 so we do all the paperwork we finally get the company and we take a big chunk of the company and we say okay everyone that participates in this network. This is the board of directors, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Hari Shafir, Dave Anthony, myself, Bill Burr. And we help guide this place in the right direction. So when a new comic wants to come on, all of us sort of go, do we want this person on? For example, John Reap and Sarah Tiana are going to start a podcast. I approached, John Reap called me and I talked to Sarah and put them together.

Felipe Esparza saw that no Latinos are doing podcasts. I know Felipe's fucking hilarious. And instead of like being all like the other Latino comedians or competitive, I was like, Felipe, you've got to do a fucking podcast. And he started one called What's Up Fool. It does great. And it's helped out his numbers and everything like that. So we all collectively own this company together that distributes our content. So this content starts with podcasts.

But then eventually we're going to start our own studio. We are redoing our website right now. We are going to start selling our own TV shows. Bert did a cooking show called Something's Burning. With fucking Tom and Bill watching. The most unsanitary chef you've ever seen in your entire fucking life. I heard he was playing with his nose. He was touching his nose.

While he was cooking. And Bill's like, can we, touch your nose one more time. I'm not going to eat any of that shit. No one's going to eat that shit. And they're fucking yelling at each other while they're cooking. And Bert just dumped a bunch of oil down the sink. And it's like, yeah. We're making that.

And we shot for an hour. And Tom and Bill were hunched over laughing. I was in the back just cracking up. Just because we couldn't believe what I was watching. What are you doing with it? That should be a show. Is it on anything right now? So it's going to be on ATC.com or we're going to sell it as an individual thing.

But you did it a long time ago. No, we just shot it. This was like three weeks. A couple months ago. Three weeks ago. Yeah, two weeks ago. Not two weeks ago. Three, four weeks ago.

And you just haven't edited it? They're editing it right now. They're just putting it together. So do you have like a group of editors and stuff? So we partner with this company called Soapbox Films that has 15 editors, animators, all these people on staff. So when you come by, you'll see that we have two full stages. We have a green screen, white psych. You have color corrections, you know, sound mixing studios.

And then they gave us our podcast studio, two different offices, and then other meeting rooms as part of, like, an investment in us. Wow. So anyway, but everybody owns everything. We have ATC Records that, again, I haven't had the time. We're just staffing up right now because we took on a little bit of money. You took on money? Yeah. You got investors?

Yeah, we got investors. Somebody's given us a million bucks. Jesus. Yeah. So the idea behind it is you're kind of acting as a network. We're going to turn into our own network. It's going to be like United Artists. We're going to turn into our own network. It's going to be like United Artists. And when the shows sell, it's going to be full transparency. When, let's say, something's burning goes up and people start buying it, Burt is going to look at his back end and know exactly, you know, the money has to be recouped and then, you know, the money is split.

Interesting. cooped and then you know the money is split interesting he'll just get access like burt will own that if there's if there's a tv show that gets made out of that and it becomes popular and is the idea behind it that there's strength in numbers and that's yeah we all we all really help each other out too like if um for example i got the special coming out everyone's going to help me get behind it when burt's special comes out, everybody goes crazy. We all sort of do that anyway. Yeah, we all do that anyway. That's what I'm saying. But this is a collection.

This is an association of comics working together to promote each other. And so if you guys have a podcast on the All Things Comedy label, everyone knows, well, this is going to be pretty high quality because a bunch of comedians are... It's going to be a better show. We're going to drain that in a little bit, like you said. But for the most part, we have a lot of people contacting us, and it's all a community of our peers that we all really like. Are you enjoying that, or is that bringing you extra stress? It brings me a little extra stress because I put some money in.

It's definitely something I'm looking at getting to a point and empowering other people have some other comics coming in to help me work on creative stuff but is it making money or is it oh yeah so we just um you know we haven't put out any of our tv shows yet i mean i hope to have tv shows on the air that's like funny or die makes money off branded um i got to have companies come on the air. It's like Funny or Die makes money off branded. I got to have companies come to us and want scripts written, and I was able to give gigs to guys I knew on The Daily Show where they got paid like $45,000 to write a script for a corporation. Oh, wow. And all those types of gigs, we can serve as the agency for that.

We can do, I can match Tom Papa up with a company so he can write their ad copy just to bring him extra side money. Like, we can do branded content, integrated marketing, and all that shit and have the comedians own the company that does that. Comedians are responsible for so much fucking content. It's books. It's fucking content. It's books. It's TV shows. It's movies. It's just like you think about these comics are producing so much great shit that why shouldn't all the comics have a company

that distributes all that stuff? Well, it's interesting because there's a bunch of groups that are coming along right now that are trying to capitalize on podcasting. And one of the things that's fascinating, I had a conversation with a friend of ours who's got a podcast and his agency or his management company that suck now are telling him they want a piece of the podcast fuck you and for the longest time they were telling him he was wasting his time doing a podcast and they were saying you need to worry

about like put getting a scripted show getting a this and a that. And he was like, I really think that, you know, there's something in podcasts. So they were negative and they were criticizing his efforts. And now they want a piece of it. And he's baffled and he doesn't know what to do. I'm like, you've got to leave them. No. Like you've got to leave them. Absolutely not.

They're not doing anything for you. Yeah, haven't talked to me. Yeah. There's no sense in you're doing it. It's like this is something just like your stand-up career that you really don't now because of the technology. You don't need an intro to the establishment. When you're a young stand-up comedian, you need a manager and an agent to usher you into the established group of decision makers. Right.

When you're a podcaster and your podcast becomes popular, it's you and a room and that microphone and the people that listen. And there's really, because you're putting out a good product, you don't need somebody to tell you it's okay to do it or you're going to be on this network. It doesn't matter. You can do it by yourself and that's another thing that i encourage all people to do and this is a why i'm able like even though i i'm stressed out i wake up in the middle of the night i usually there's a lot of contradictory shit going on and i'm looking at

vacation homes i love it i fucking love doing what I'm doing. I really do. Well, that's great. I love doing stand-up. I love the acting. Like, just I love it all. And to follow your bliss, you know, and to really, I was firing people. And like you said, you have to be up in the rain to appreciate the sunshine.

It's like that's where I was when I was working for somebody else, even though that somebody else was my parents. And so I got down into stand-up. I'm like, look at all this great shit. Even writing jokes are free for Tim Allen. Like I didn't have to do that. Like I love doing all this stuff. And so I'm really thrilled.

Like the people that we get to associate with and the people we get to meet and what happens when you do something you love, it all just sort of comes together. So I feel very fortunate that way that i get to do all this shit and even though i need to say no i need to pare it down i'm still having a fucking blast what's good that you're having a blast but uh my advice to you was just do all those things that you're talking about like especially do all those things as far as like meditation do all those things like whatever the cognitive therapy issue that you have to deal with just go do that yeah because you you talk about it too much i know yeah like you and i have had like 30 conversations about your temper yeah you know over like 10 years like that's crazy and nothing's changed it's less because you've gotten more and more aware of it, right?

I'm totally aware of it. Right. Yeah. I've been so cool. There has not been an incident in a while. Except that other night with Steve-O. Well, that was a long time ago. Okay.

That was a long time ago. The other night we were talking about the person that got an applause break. Oh, yeah. That was last week. That's just fucking me being the asshole. I get it. And again, also, you know me for a long time. I'm not.

It's also you caring about comedy. It's me really caring too much about comedy. It's me being, again, sacrificing a lot to do what I'm doing and then seeing other people who are just trying to fucking take advantage. Yeah. Like, I love the idea of all things comedy, but I don't want to do anything like that myself. It seems to me like, God, you're invested in yourself and a whole bunch of other people's problems. You know, what I've kind of done is form a network without having an actual network.

What I've kind of done is form a network without having an actual network. Whereas all the people that I'm friends with, whether it's Tom or Joey or Duncan, I help them. I promote them just by just doing it. I don't want any connection. I don't want any financial connection to it. You know, I don't even have a fucking contract with my manager. We've been together for so long. I don't either.

Our contract came up and I go, I don't need a contract. Do you need a contract? He's like, no. I'm like, good. Shook hands. I gave him a hug. So we don't have to fucking nonsense legal shit. I'm never leaving him.

Been with him since I was an open miker. I'm not going anywhere. Well, you know, and that's also when we shot that, I'd say, this Burt thing again. There's no contract. Beautiful. Shake hands. Yeah. Again, I would die before I fucked anybody over.

I really would die. And so there's no contracts with us. We're going to make, put that out there, whether it's for free or whatever. We're going to start making shit. And the most important thing is you're having a good time. Having a great time. That's the most important thing is you're having a good time. Having a great time. That's the most important thing. I crunched over laughing, couldn't stop.

Isn't that like the best part about this whole thing is that you get a chance to hang out with comics, you get a chance to have a good time. And the more you do that, the better stuff you put out. The more you're in that vibe, in that group of humans, just having a good time. You're putting out those good vibes. You're getting them back. everybody's producing good stuff again i can't stress enough to people listening and just like finding that thing that you really like to do and doing it is so fucking important i don't know what it is but if you feel like something itching at you because that's the thing with my

parents family business and even knowing i wanted i knew i wanted to be a stand-up comic forever and it took me a while to figure it out so that's why i come down here and i'm racing around like really trying to cram it all in or whatever is behind it but i just should i wish that's a regret i do have i just started earlier you know how old were you when you started 28 up? 28. Yeah, I was 21. Yeah, it's one of those things though, man. I mean, Robert Schimmel started when he was 36. Start whenever you start. Yeah. You know, it doesn't matter. And I think oftentimes whatever extra life that you have before you start is probably going to help you. Because when I started, I was a baby. baby you know i didn't know shit about life yeah when i did start i was doing sales and shit like that was calm and cool you've met life yeah

you know you've met life you've hung out with life you've been there you've you know you got down and nitty-gritty i went essentially like a couple years out of high school i became a comic you know and i was out there doing the life. I've never done anything but. I've been a bunch of shit along with it. But if there was ever like a question, someone said, oh, you have to quit everything except one thing. What's it going to be? I'm like, that's easy. Stand up.

Everything else can go fuck itself. Yeah, yeah. Without a doubt. For sure. Because that's the thing. It's a stand up comic. We just always have this, the skills to go out, earn a living. For all Jay Leno's faults, he has said some pretty great stuff about it. There's a book called Comic Insights by Franklin Ajayi where he used to teach this at UCLA.

And if you go through his interviews with Richard Jenny and Chris Rock and Jay Leno, and Jay Leno says it takes you seven years. It's like a law degree. It takes you seven years to get your law degree, and then it takes you another seven years to be a good lawyer. And then it takes you seven years to sort of figure out who you are as a comic, and then another seven years to be a great comic. So around year 14, 15, you really start hitting your stride

because you're great at it. You're getting better at it. you really start hitting your stride because you're great at it. You're getting better at it. And to do that at around seven years, he goes, start making a living. You can start really, you can quit your day job and really start making a fine living for your family. You can make at least like 70, this is a long time ago, like 70 grand a year. Oh, yeah.

It's great living. Yeah. You could live, I met a bunch of comics, yeah. It's great living. Yeah. Just to, you could live. I met a bunch of comics on the road that's just living in Indiana. Fucking house cost $180,000. Couple kids. Yeah. Totally happy. It can be done.

Totally. No question. And it's certainly better than doing something you don't want to do. Exactly. And for whatever, you know, the people that are listening to this and they're like, what is my thing? It's got to be something, man. It's got to be be something it might be making canoes who knows what the fuck it is i was so miserable doing that family business i started doing stained glass stained

glass is cool yeah my dad did it and then i started doing i was looking for a thing i volunteered with the big brothers big sisters i was just out there like really, and this is again, when I'm single and had the extra time to do anything like this, but I'm out and I was just looking for it. And then I knew when, if I turned 30 and I didn't try stand up because it always had been itching at me and people always told me I should do it, then I would never be able to live with myself. You know, so forced myself to do it. And even though it was sort of, you know, uncomfortable. Well, this life is like this weird, quick blip and it seems long when you're young, but as you get older, now I'm pushing 50, I'll be 50 this year. It just happens fast. It happens very fast. And if you're not doing what you want to do, it's not a fun time.

It's not a good feeling. And we all know that person. We all know that one person that's not a fun time. It's not a good feeling. And we all know that person. We all know that one person that's not doing what they want to do and it eats away at them all the time. Instead of the people that you know that are fulfilled, that are doing things that they enjoy and they're working hard and they're pushing, but they get that good feeling out of it. They're actually pursuing what they love. They actually feel like they're making a difference in their life. They're actually creating something or, or, or accomplishing something. That's what you want to do, man. That's the key to getting those good brain chemicals, those good feelings, having good people in your life, having good friends, being kind to people, enjoying your

time in this life, and then doing that thing that is actually interesting to your personality and your mind. It's so important. And,, taking a step away from work. Again, those deathbed lists, you got to look at these deathbeds. I don't want to. No? Nope. Don't want to look at regret. I get it. Yeah, I get it. I work hard. I know what I'm doing. I mean, I'm no perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't need to look at regret. I'm focused on that all the time. I'm trying to focus on positive things. I'm no perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't need to look at regret. I'm focused on that all the time. I'm trying to focus on positive things.

I'm absolutely aware of the consequences. You know, I've contemplated it enough. I think you could spend enough time focusing on negative shit like what people should have done, and it can fuck with your head. Yeah, I just don't want to look up when i'm 70 and yeah i can go where don't no you won't you won't i'm not gonna if i died tomorrow i wouldn't i'm good you just gotta keep going you just gotta keep enjoying it you know and who knows what this thing really even is it's the weirdest thing about this life it's like what what is it i mean we we look at it in terms of this like sort of solidified structure of

Waking up with the alarm clock getting your car driving to work meanwhile the entire time this is going on You're a finite life form on a planet in an infinite universe I mean all of it is preposterous from the beginning to the end all of its ridiculous and the more you look into it and the more you Really contemplate the absolute just massive scale of this universe that we live in the more it seems ridiculous and the little things that are keeping you up at night and waking you up at two o'clock in the morning the anxiety it's like an insurance ridiculous yeah ridiculous shit ridiculous shit it's just a matter of perspective but i think It's just a matter of perspective.

But I think it's also a matter of the human body. I think the human body is designed to have a certain amount of stress, a certain amount of worries. The reason why we survived is because we worried about predators or invaders and all these different things. Those things don't exist anymore. So we give ourselves issues. Yeah. We give ourselves problems and I think the way to mitigate that is to exercise both in the sense of like a physical sense But also like almost in like a demonic exorcist like get exercise all that stress out of your body like

your your body does not want to be like this overflowing battery of stress and tension and energy. And when it is, it starts fucking with you to try to give you pressure and stress and give you like consequences for this anxiety. Yeah, I just have this insatiable drive that leads to that sort of debilitating stress and anxiety that I don't like. So I think it's like what we're talking about. This is actually very helpful. You know, I don't talk to anybody about this shit.

I just talked to a doctor about it for the first time. Why are you talking to the whole world then? I don't know. I don't know. Five million people are going to listen to this. Jesus Christ. All right, I'm working on it, everybody. All right?

I know I'm an absolute mess. If you listen this far, I'm... You're definitely not an absolute mess. I'm working on it, everybody. All right? I know I'm an absolute mess. If you listen this far, I'm... You're definitely not an absolute mess. I'm working on it. You, like all of us, have issues. Everybody listening has issues. There's no perfect people. And I really, at this doctor's appointment, I just looked at it and I was like, my wife is aware of all this.

And close friends are. But I talked to this doctor for the first time i was like talking to a complete stranger about it and all you people about it is very very new i don't and people are always aware and then you know everybody laughs at me fucking stories of me telling people to go fuck off and they're funny you're not violent i mean it's funny? You're not violent. I mean, if you meet me, by the way, at the comedy store, and it's like, I really am the fucking nicest guy. I am. I'm a very nice dude.

But when pushed and pushed and pushed, I fucking lose my mind. Yeah. And when I see, like, there's comedy injustice going on, I'm like, fuck that asshole. Fuck that dick. Yeah, because it's important to you. It is. on. I'm like, fuck that asshole. Fuck that dick. Yeah, because it's important to you. It is. I get it.

Well, this is a consequence of all your ambition. I mean, that's where all the stress is coming from. It's a consequence of you, and it's also one of the reasons why you've been so successful, that you're constantly pushing and making things happen and getting things done. But occasionally you're going to spin your wheels. I'd like to come back. Like a complete person? No. That's not going to happen. But

the next time I come back on this show, you're going to... Timeline. There's going to be a little timeline. Give me a timeline. Shit. I'm going on vacation. A long vacation. I used to flip out on vacation. How long are you going on vacation

for? I'm going to go away for 10 days. Is that a long time? On day three, I start getting fidgety. Do you start feeling like you have work to do? Yep. Like I should be doing work. Every single, if you go on vacation in Los Angeles, you will get a call to be in a movie.

You'll get a call to do all this other shit. That's always what happens to me. See, I've gotten past that because i don't do anything anymore i just do podcast and stand up and then 10 times a year and that's it i work for the ufc that's all i brought i brought it down to 10 times a year a very great spot your spot is the spot that a lot of us comics want to get to I mean let's be honest you are able to do those things because you have you know worked and you'd put in all of you put in a lot of time to that and I mean you working on talk radio and then working on radio news radio sorry news radio working on um

fear factor you're affecting all the ufc stuff like being a great comic has led to this you you're able to be independent and that's fantastic i hope to get you definitely can the fear factor thing taught me a lot because it wasn't independent and i didn't like doing it and it was a great job and it was a lot of money and I would definitely do it again but it taught me the consequences of doing something that you don't really enjoy it's not you know I don't have a passion for it I love the people I worked with and again it was a great job I'm not complaining like it's like woe is me I had a tv gig that went 148 episodes crazy yeah I mean it's crazy successful show but it wasn't what I wanted it to do. No.

So while I was doing it, it made me realize, like, okay, this is not the good feeling. The good feeling is when you're doing things you want to do. So figure out a way, when this is over, never do this again. And so when Fear Factor was over, of course I did it again. When it came back again,

because they came with the money. It's so hard because you start thinking,'m gonna squirrel that money away and then you know it's only three days a week what's the big deal you work four days you know you have four days off you work three days you know that guy who's on big bang the you know the show big bang theory the sixth lead the guy if you guys know the guy with the bowl cut, his name is like Simon Heldberg, I think. I heard that he got his deal for syndication. They wrote him a check for $85 million. Whoa. Yeah.

And you start to hear about that. It's a lot of cash. That's like not the two. There's the two guys and the main guys. Right. There's the Indian guy. Right. And then he's like the fifth or fourth guy.

Yeah. And you hear about all these shows and like backing up the money truck. There's not a lot of those shows anymore, though. There used to be like Friends, Seinfeld, all these different shows. Yeah. All those shows. Cheers. Yeah. All those shows.

Well, news radio went to syndication, but news radio was never the kind of commercial success that any of these other shows were. It actually became a success in syndication. When news radio was on television, and this is when there was not a lot of shows on TV, by the way, there was one time where my friend Lou Morton, who's one of the writers,

Lou would wear a T-shirt that had the number that we were ranked for the week, you know, like our ratings, and he came in with the number 88 on his shirt. I went, fuck, dude, we're 88th? He's like, 88th? He's like, God damn it, are we going to get canceled? And the only time we got canceled is when I didn't think we were going to get canceled, which is crazy. But I don't remember what my point was.

No, it's just you're working on all these shows and you're not doing ideally what you want. Yeah. But then, you know, you have a wife and kids and the money is so good. I was thinking for the longest time that I wanted to be like an ethnic lab rat on one of those NCIS shows. Those are the worst. The guy just comes they come in, the cops come in, and I go, you guys aren't going to like this. Those are the worst gigs. Your sperm

came back. It's not to you sperm you think it is. I always think of guys like David Caruso when I think of those shows. Where they're just kind of sending it in. They're just mailing're just kind of sending it in. They're just mailing it in. Do that thing with his glasses.

Phoning it in. Yeah, every time. You ever see that compilation of him? Just taking them off. Of just saying corny one-liners and pulling off his glasses? Yeah. That's what happens to you. Sure.

When you do one of those shows, those shows are just designed to keep grandma awake for another hour. Sell her Tide and Toyota trucks or whatever the fuck they're selling, the commercials. And then this brings me back to all things comedy. So, ATC is going to allow just funny people to make their own shit and make it and sell it directly to the people without having to, you know, worry about this network rigmarole that we've all been piped into. Right. The network rigmarole that was like a real, there was that option at one point in time that you thought that there was going to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, like

a syndication deal. And now that stuff is almost non-existent. They cut all those deals out. Yeah, for good reason. I heard an awesome Ray Romano story about him getting his check, and he's sitting in one of these Daily Grill type places. It's like Beverly Hills lunch spots where all the agents go. And they go, his agents say, this is a check that you need to probably want to just go walk away, take a look, and privately just walk away. And he goes into the bathroom, and he goes in, and he opens up the check, and he looks at it, and he puts it back in.

It's for, you know, over $10 million type of thing. And he washes his face, and he can't believe it, you know, because this is a guy that was working at a bank. You know, because this is a guy that was working at a bank. And then he was walking back to the table and four old ladies were sitting there. And they go, excuse me. And he thinks, oh, everybody loves ramen. And these ladies say, can you get us some more bread, please, when you have a chance? And it sort of fucking made him feel like oh okay fucking jesus like it this is crazy that this is happening these ladies have no idea who the fuck i am they think i'm a waiter

they're asking me for more water or bread and it really took the air out of everything and made him laugh because he just got the fucking sweats like this is a crazy thing. There is this pot of gold for some. And when I started doing stand-up, and I still have all these deals. That's what's been happening with CBS. And it's like, I'm getting, I've had my own family sitcom script seven times. And so, like, are they development deals? They give you a slab of cash? Slab of cash and a script.

And matched up with the showrunner showrunners. Last one is called call me Al. Then I wrote another one called Mr. Macho. Mr. Macho is good. There's a good script. Why the name though?

Oh, so flip out. Hey, Mexicans making fun of me. Fucking lose. Mr. Macho. Hey, what's up,

bro? Exactly. Me, me living in my mind. Hey, Mr. Macho. Hey, what's up, bro? Exactly me. Me living in Latino neighborhood, so like that. Good stuff. That could be a show. Do you want to do that? Oh, man.

To write and have my own like single camera comedy on the air. Yeah. You like that as much as stand-up? I love acting. I love writing and making shit. Yeah. That's awesome, man.

Yeah. No, I really enjoy it. Like, I got to, yeah. That's awesome, then. Yeah. No, I really enjoy it. I've got to be in the writer's room when I'm dying up here. It's one of the best experiences I've ever had. And when does that come out? When is that on Showtime? June 4th on Showtime. Beautiful.

Yeah, you're going to love it so much. I'm sure. And it's kind of, look at you, sexy bitch. Look at you in that goddamn amazing outfit and that beautiful mustache. Whoa! I love it. We should start dressing like that again why not beautiful lapels

alright brother so this Friday Cinco de Mayo which is tomorrow Shrimp It Ain't Easy on Showtime is it going to be available online at all well this is the thing they gave me a code. So if you go to Showtime

or show.com forward slash shrimping, and I put this up. So this is on my Twitter. You get a free 30 days of Showtime. Oh, okay. Beautiful. You can watch a special. You can watch it all on the app. And then that's the same is true for I'm Dying Up Here.

I think I'm going to have another code for that. So you can really get two months of showtime free out of this thing. I'll put the codes up and people can just grab the codes. You know what I'll do is I'll throw the codes in my Instagram and my Twitter, like the bio or something. Okay. I'm going to just grab them from there. Beautiful. Watch it.

That's it. All right. Now imagine, Ladies and gentlemen Shrimping ain't easy Tomorrow Enjoy it God damn it Look at that

Back a new man He'll be back a new man Hopefully Yeah Or not Probably not Or just more fun Alright we'll see ya

Bye Dude Jesus Christ I seriously dude jesus christ i seriously