The Joe Rogan Experience - #966 - Tom Papa

Episode Date: May 26, 2017

Tom Papa is a comedian, actor, writer and television/radio host. His latest special "Human Mule" is available on HULU now, and you can also listen to his podcast "Come To Papa."

Go to the Jersey Shore Three two one The great Tom Papa will be at the Jersey Shore this weekend You ever get two gigs down with flip-flops and a metal detector Do you know anybody's ever scored for the metal detector? No. I mean, scored like found like a bottle cap. Yeah, like a Civil War belt buckle or some shit. Never.

Never. I had one when I was a kid. Did you? Because I used to go to the Jersey Shore. It was orange. And I would get it. And no air, no earphones or anything. I would just walk out on the beach with it.

Never found anything. What's the earphones? Did they tell you when the frequency is different? It's like... It has a different sound. Yeah, you're just going along. So it's just like the frequency of the beeps? Yeah, it's like hot, hotter, hotter, hotter, hotter, hotter.

Burning hot, you're there. How good do those things work? I've never looked into metal detectors. I don't know. But, you know, like, if you take that to like the Appalachian Trail or like, you know,

where the Civil War went down and that kind of stuff, like, you'd find stuff. Oh, I guarantee you. Yeah. I guarantee you.

See, what is the most sophisticated current? I just looked this up. What is this? I just found something a couple weeks ago. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Two million dollars worth of Viking gold. Oh my God. Oh, who's laughing now? It's 2 million pounds. What is that? Is that $4 million? That's like 20 bucks.

Is that 4 million? Is it double? It's like at least one and a half to two times. Jesus Christ. Viking treasure hoard. What does he got in that photo? That's what it looks like. Oh, that's his metal detector.

Wow. It's a janky looking metal detector, too too. Looks like it's all duct taped together and shit It's like he's been using it a long time and this dude found millions of dollars in Viking finds. That's pretty great I found nothing. I found like a bottle cap and It's exciting like when you hear it's like Look at all the shit he found look at that vase. Look at that ring. That's cool. That's like the Hobbit ring. Wow. 10th century gold ring.

Oh, my God. Isn't that cool? That's insane. A 10th century gold ring. That's pretty great. Somebody wore that. You just got to walk in the right places. I'm in the Jersey Shore.

You know what I mean? There wasn't. My dad lives in Florida on the Treasure Coast, they call it, which is like the Atlantic, mid-Atlantic or mid, halfway up and down Florida. So like every time there's hurricanes, the people are always out on the beach looking for stuff because shit gets washed up off the bottom. Oh, yeah. A bunch of treasure chests or wrecks like in the Bermuda Triangle.

So like the pirate treasure gets wiped up onto the beach. There's something about finding that though. like the pirate treasure gets wiped up onto the beach. There's something about finding that though. Like if you went to a museum and you saw a ring from the ninth century or the 10th century, whatever it is, you'd probably be like, wow,

that's incredible. That's right. That's a, but if you fucking found it in the dirt and you picked it up and it's maybe likely, I mean, there's, there's at least a possibility.

The last person that touched it was the person that died there. Huge, huge possibility. Huge. I mean, that's that's an i mean how great would that the feeling would have been amazing fuck do you ever find a fossil you ever find a fossil when you were a kid walking around not really i found an arrowhead though that's the same arrowhead weren't you yeah excited yes it was in nevada bow hunting i found an arrowhead oh Oh, wow. And I lost it. So sad. That's terrible. So sad.

I think you're actually supposed to leave them there. So it's probably karma. But I'm like, leave it here. This is a trail. Anybody's going to find it. This is stupid. Like, if you want me to bring it to you in a museum or something, that's one thing. Right.

But just say, just leave it there. Fuck off. Yeah, someone else is going to come take it. No one's going to leave it there. Someone else is going to come take it. No one's going to leave it there. Did I ever tell you the story of my brother-in-law who uses metal detector? And his friends, married couple, I think newly married, went hiking in the Grand Tetons.

And she lost her ring. She lost her engagement ring. And he was going out there like a month from then. And he went out and he took his metal detector and he hiked along the same trail. And he comes back to New Jersey and his buddy's in the bar. And he just sits down next to him at the bar and tosses the ring on the bar. Holy shit. Found it.

Holy shit. Hiking. Yeah. Wow. What are the odds? Yeah. Like of all the steps she could have taken? Yeah. All the places she could have gone.

I mean, they probably told her what trail that, you know, they took or whatever. Just Jesus. The whole trail. Yeah, exactly. Imagine someone telling you I lost my wedding ring on this trail. Somewhere. Please go find it. What the fuck are you talking about? That's gone. Yeah. The great move is not calling and saying, holy shit, I found it. Just showing up at your local bar and just ding.

That's pretty gangster. Yeah, it's pretty bad. What is like the state-of-the-art consumer model metal detector? Maybe I should have a metal detector dude come on here and talk to me about what the fuck they do. That would be cool. Because I guess it's got to be exciting, right? Especially like places like the beach where stuff washes up. Yeah.

Do you have to wear sandals when you do it? You must. Right? You must have a certain body odor too. Like a mildewy, bittery, sort of a soury, milky. You smell a little like ham. The Garrett Ace. Is this supposed to be the shit?

Ooh, yeah. Look how- Popped up pretty high. That goes on your forearm, right? That weight. So, for 340 bucks you could find- Oh, no. The back here. Two million pounds worth of Viking stuff. Look at that thing. So for 340 bucks, you could find two million pounds worth of Viking stuff. Look at that thing. It's cheap.

Is that the best one? See if there's some fucking Cadillac of metal detectors. They have a pro model. Well, ever since I went pro, things changed. Gold, water, poor. Jesus Christ. Oh, you went pro.

I went pro, bro. You know, Oh, you went pro. I went pro, bro. You know, after the Viking gold thing, I'm like, obviously, I'm blessed. Oh, totally, dude. Totally. But what does that mean? Do you have a sponsor? Yeah, bro. I'm pro.

Oh, man. I'm making money off of a finding ship. You take it under a river. You take it underwater. Whoa, that's deep. That's actually pretty badass. You know what, though? It's not all that badass.

There's something corny about it. Even the best ones, it's still like, yeah, you still. It's definitely like it's in the fanny pack realm, which I endorse. But it's like, what? What are you doing here? Exactly. Well, you're giving up. Oh, this one's $799.

Oh, it's $8,000. Oh, is it? $8,000? $8,000. An extra nine in there. Oh, there one's $799. Oh, it's $8,000. Oh, is it? $8,000? $8,000. An extra nine in there. Oh, there you go. Gold nugget metal detector. A mine lab.

It's a mine lab GPZ. Go up into Northern California where all the gold mines were. That'd be cool. Oh, yeah. That's a move, right? Yeah. So how does that fucking thing work? Does that work different?

It only picks up gold? You set it on gold. Yeah. This other one had like on the top of the meter, it has specific for like gold, iron, silver. Oh,

it gives you different readings. And then this thing's called a pinpointer, whatever that is. Oh, whoa. I'm only interested in gold. See, I guarantee you,

this is one of those things that there's a fucking rabbit hole and you start with this. And next thing you know, you're getting minor magazine in the mail and you start with this and next thing you know you're getting minor magazine and you're subscribing to these websites where people go on these these uh metal detector runs your wife comes into your yeah the den and you have a miner's helmet with a light on it aren't you coming to bed in a minute honey for real like, what? Then you find out about a treasure somewhere and you go investigate. But I can find it.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty. Well, have you ever seen those documentaries on those guys that are professional shipwreck hunters? No. Dude. There's real crazy money in that. Really? And if they know where a Viking ship went down or a Roman ship went down. They know where they're pretty sure that there's some gold.

There's been several times that they have. Let's find out, actually, what the biggest bounty was. Let's take a guess. Well, you've got to figure the technology's probably just improved, right, in like the last 30 years. Yeah. Right? It's made such a jump. So why?

It's probably a good time to do it. People have been probably trying to search but couldn't go down too deep. Well, they're really good at it now. But it's also, the ocean is fucking huge. So if you find something, the odds of somebody else finding it, without you telling them about it, without somebody leaking some information,

so it's really touch and go. And these guys invest a shitload of money. So they have the divers, who are these people that are usually the people that are knowledgeable, but they don't really have the funds, and then they meet somebody, and that guy funds it,

and it's super squirrely. Like, who gets the money, and how much do you get? And his brother's like a Coke dealer, right? Someone's got a gun. Someone's got a gun. The girlfriend's too tan. Everything's just super confusing.

She's really friendly. Why is she being so nice to me? She want to fuck? This is going to be murder-suicide. This is all gonna go down. Yeah, I watched this one and these these guys had found, I want to say it was more than a hundred million dollars in gold. Oh my god. They had found at the bottom of the ocean, but I might be making that up. I'll let you guess on this one. This is a really good one I found. Their operations have to be really...

What, the most? The discovery of the San Jose shipwreck in Colombia in 2015. How much? Okay, let me guess. Yeah, guess first. It's really high. It's really, really high. San Jose.

You shouldn't have done that. Dude, you shouldn't have done that. I would have come in low. San Jose. I was going to say $2.4 billion. That's a lot. I'm going to say 2.4 billion dollars That's a lot I'm going to say 1.8 billion I never would have said billion by the way

You didn't say that 1.8 What did I say 2 point something 17 billion Jesus Christ The discovery of the San Jose shipwreck Has all the elements of a great drama International political intrigue A a treasure of gold and emeralds worth up to $17 billion, and now accusations of lies and treachery.

Everyone always forgets about emeralds. Everyone forgets about emeralds. I sleep on emeralds. I sleep on them all the time. I never take them seriously. Why is that? Cling, cling, cling, cling. Nobody's like, yo, look at my emeralds, bitch.

That's not even the best rock you could get. Isn't that weird? Yeah, emeralds. Why emeralds? And they're only for women. They're just shiny. Everything other than diamonds are for dudes, and diamonds aren't really for dudes. They're not for dudes.

Are they for dudes? No. They're all for women, mostly. But a guy can wear some diamonds, like rappers wear diamonds. It looks fly. Yeah, but it's sparkly. Girls like sparkles. Right, but rappers guy can wear some diamonds, like rappers wear diamonds. It looks fly. Yeah, but it's sparkly. Girls like sparkles. Right, but rappers can't wear rubies.

Right? Oh, nice ruby. Yo, check out my ruby. Right? Am I right, Jamie? They can? Someone's wearing rubies? Why you eyeballing my ruby, yo? Of course they are. What about emeralds? Can they wear emeralds? I bet Conor McGregor would wear the fuck out of some emeralds. Oh, man.

Being all Irish and shit. Yeah. Just a big Irish assassin. Yeah, you could wear like a chest plate made out of emeralds. Are you looking at my emeralds? And if you're wearing turquoise and you're not Native American, I got questions. Yeah. Right? If you're really into turquoise and silver, slow down, buddy.

Are you really from New Mexicoxico show me your artwork show me that you're really kicking ass with some indian artwork because if not show me the guy on the horse i know you have it you fuck let me see the dream catchers you're selling not the dream catcher you oh my god man with a turquoise bracelet oh man yeah there was a place called the silver man when I was in school it was in New Jersey

near my high school and when I was first getting into girls that's where I would go to buy jewelry to give to my girlfriend and I remember being there like I wonder if I could wear some of this myself that's hilarious the silver man And I remember being there like, I wonder if I could wear some of this myself. That's hilarious.

The silver man. I remember there was a movie, there was this great wrestling movie called Vision Quest with Matthew Modine. And his friend on the show was this Native American kid who turned out to not really be Native American. Turned out that that was like his big hustle in the movie was that he was telling everybody he was was Native American Talking about you going on a vision quest and your spirit journey and all this stuff I don't remember but I remember that in the movie. Yeah that dude right there that dude turned out to not really be Native American Oh, it was just bullshit. Well bad on you Matthew Modine for thinking that was Hey, he looks Native American. Yeah, like a badass. It looks more like Culture Club Native American.

Hey, he looks Native American. Yeah. He looks like a badass. He looks more like Culture Club. No, he looks like an Indian, man. Come on. Oh, that's the guy from 16 Candles. Is it?

Same guy? Yeah, the guy who Molly Ringwald really loved. Oh, really? Yeah, remember that one? You know too much about those movies. It was the 80s. I wanted to be that guy because he was like the cool guy, but he was so cool he didn't hang out with the cool people. And then Molly Ringwald fell in love with him.

That is the movie that wrestlers watch for inspiration. Vision Quest. Vision Quest. That is the movie. Yeah. That is an amazing movie. Is it really good? Oh, probably sucks today.

You should probably go back and watch it today. It's probably like Altered States. A lot of synthesizer. Yeah, I've recommended Altered States to people. And I went back and watched it myself and I had to come back on the air and go, okay, stop. Oh, really? Sorry what I did to you people. I saw I robbed you of an hour and a half of your life.

I remember thinking it was cool. It was in the day. Yeah. I mean, it was really cool. It was really cool when the movie came out. I loved it. Yeah. But movies are just different now. Yeah. Unless you see like The Godfather. The Godfather 100% holds up totally or the shining the shining 100 holds up 100 100 caddyshack oh yeah caddyshack is fantastic

blues brothers blues brothers back to school yeah come on so that means that maybe alter states wasn't that great well it was different and, and it got by a lot on the different. It was an intriguing story. The whole thing was crazy. You have this brilliant doctor and this beautiful girlfriend. Was she a scientist too, I think? I don't remember. And so he takes this shamanic drug, and it changes him.

He morphs back into a monkey, and he breaks in the zoo and kills things right that's right I remember they right he was like you know in the with like blood on his face Yeah, he killed something in the zoo right the movie was based Not really but based or I should say inspired by a guy named John Lilly who made the isolation tank There was an isolation tank in it. Yeah, that's actually how I found out about this movie. And in the movie, he actually goes through several generations of Lily's isolation tanks in sort of an homage. Like he starts out floating with the head gear on, where it's like a scuba tank helmet

on. Right. That's the beginning of the movie. And then the end of the movie, he's lying down. See, that's how Lily did it in the beginning. In the beginning, Lily had it set up where there was literally like a tube connected to his asshole so he

could shit and piss into the water and it would be filtered out so he never had to leave the water. Wow. That would be good for road trips. He would, uh, Lily would do it with ketamine. He would shoot up ketamine, which is like a cat tranquilizer. I'm not really claustrophrophobic but that looks claustrophobic it's not no no i've never done

that one i've never done that one the one i've done is later in the movie as uh his character evolves and as the plot evolves later in the movie he has like a more modern version of the isolation tank where he's like laying flat and they don't ever mention that he like figured out a better version or anything like that They just kind of put it in there right pretty fascinating pretty cool, so he really was into it Yeah, see the the top one okay? I guess the top one is the tube He's coming out of the top of the tube, but there was another one. We laid flat. What's the actor's name again? That was William Hurt William Hurt. Yeah. He was cool. He's a bad motherfucker. Remember him in Broadcast News?

Yes. He was so good. He's been in a bunch of great movies. Yeah. He just came back recently in something. I forget what it was. But that John Lilly guy who made that tank was a legitimate, brilliant scientist who would take all kinds of shit.

Oh, yeah? He would experiment all the time. He was a pioneer in interspecies communication research with Dolphins really have you ever heard the story but the woman who was doing the research? She was living with a young male dolphin and she lived in this place That was like waist-high in water But so she would walk through the water to get to her furniture to get to where where she would cook. And the dolphin lived with her and swam around with her. Wait, wait.

So she would be like up to her waist like in the hallways and then she'd come up to a platform to cook or something? She had some setup where she lived with this dolphin. Wow. They lived in this tank. I never heard of this. It's crazy. And when she did it, they were working on these ideas that they had to try to get dolphins to recreate human words. But the dolphins, even if they're as intelligent as we are, which they might be, who knows,

they don't have the ability to make the sounds that we make because they don't have lips. They have a big fat tongue. Yeah. They have a weird way of making noises. Yeah. So the dolphin came super close to saying hello right came really close to it it's kind of weird when you hear it too there was a movie done where they were talking to the dolphins and they had and it was like yeah she had a sexual relationship you're

pulling that up i was going to get to that jamie my love's pa remember that movie yes this is why they cancelled it um oh this is it says a woman in a waterproofed house. In 1964, a woman lived in a waterproof house with a dolphin called Peter, tried to teach him English and had a sexual relationship with him. Oh, my. Sort of. She would jerk him off because he would get super horny, and that's all he would want to do is fuck, and he was confusing, and it was interfering with the research.

Right. So she didn't think there was anything wrong with jerking off this dolphin. Yeah, I don't either Look, there's nothing wrong with it. Hey, it's like they live together But what why are we so weird about sexual pleasure like what the fuck is that man? We're so weird. It is a weird. It's very complicated. It's the driving force of all of us, and yeah, you know it's it's driving force of all of us and yeah you know it's it's a bent it and twisted and it's pure and it's nice and it's it's a weird thing right but if you have a friend like I had a friend who used to jerk off his dog with his foot for who doesn't have that friend he I go free real like you touched with your foot is

have my sock on and I said what did you do he goes he was it's fucking dorks dogs horny so put my foot on his dick I said, what did you do? He goes, his fucking dog's horny. So I put my foot on his dick, and I rubbed it back and forth, and he came all over his stomach. I was, seriously? Oh, no. He goes, yeah. He felt better. And I go, you know what, man? I think it's me.

I don't think it's you. I think it's me. I think it's me with the stupid problem in my head about it. But the dog likes it. I mean, how come you can scratch behind the dog's ears where he can't reach, and that's okay? But how come you can't rub his dick? Have you ever touched your dog's dick accidentally when you're rubbing his belly? My dog has a vagina.

Okay. And I've never touched it. Never accidentally? Well, no, I don't think so. I've touched my dog's dick a hundred times and he's only five months old. Well, it's flying all over the place. Mine's only nine months old. And she's

in the vet right now actually i got it i got a call her i left in a it could have been a snake could it have been a snake that's the text oh did she get she's just looking swollen yes she's looking puffy this is rattlesnake season this happens all the time what kind of dog you have a lab black lab very possible she got bit my my dogs been bit many times really yeah my Two dogs that had been bit are dead now, but they They one dog got bit and I took him to the vet and he I knew he got bit I didn't swell up yet right I took him to the vet He was so excited because he'd killed the rattlesnake was all fired up, and you know he had killed a rattlesnake Oh, yeah, okay. It was a disaster.

Oh, really? Yeah, once they bit him, he was like, fuck you. He just tore this thing apart. Nice. That was Frank Sinatra. That was my dog named Frank. Wow, what a great dog. That's awesome.

But he wasn't swollen when I brought him to the vet. And when I got him home, he started swelling up. So like a half hour later, it started swelling up. And then it just gets to these cartoonish proportions with half their faces hanging off yeah it's uh she was just acting a little weird this morning and you know we have a yard so like i don't know maybe something got into the backyard i don't know but she all of a sudden her eye was a little puffy and uh i said to my wife look at her eyes does she look a little weird she's like i think she's having a reaction so we brought her into the vet

on my way here and they rushed her right in and they're like, good thing you got here early and they're going to work on her. So I don't know what's up. But we're trying to figure, can they get sick

from eating raccoon feces? You ever hear that? I would not imagine it would be good for you. I know. Because we had a trainer that was like, she's not eating that. Is she? I'm like, no. Is that a big deal? I mean, she it would be good for you. I know. Because we had a trainer that was like, she's not eating that.

Is she? I'm like, no. Is that a big deal? I mean, she eats everything. Right. She's a dog. She's like a goat. Yeah.

I'm like, that's the only thing I could think of because I couldn't. Well, there's definitely got to be something in that. I mean, raccoons have to have parasites. They're wild animals. Yeah. It's got to have like some weird. Well, they're wild animals too and they eat animals. So as soon as an animal's eating other

animals that's when shit gets weird right you know like if a wild animal like you could eat a deer raw right and there'd be no problem at all oh yeah yeah the real problem is animals that eat animals oh i mean because the deer doesn't eat animals right so you're okay the deer could get a parasite and deers have gotten worms before i've heard of people that line disease. No no no that's just the ticks cause severe inflammatory reactions Yeah, that's not really it Severe inflammatory maybe will migrate to other organs including the brain. Oh geez Well, I've had dogs that have worms before they were coming out of their butt like they poop and as they were walking away

You would see worms literally coming out of their butt like they they poop and as they were walking away you would see worms literally crawling out of their butt and you're like okay and you're like i should have whacked you off when we had the chance you would be so confused let me put on a sock get over here sinatra yeah parasitic relationships it's like when you think about how many dogs have worms yeah that is like one of the number one things you got to do with your dog get it dewormed yeah i know so often all so often just eating shit they eat everything everything my dog ate a magnet you know how they have those magnets where you stack magnets oh yeah kids play with them those are strong thick ass heavy magnet yeah i found it in his shit Oh I'm surprised it came out

Yeah it came out it came right out I mean a dog's Intestinal tract is made out of barbed wire You know things just go right through It's so disgusting He shits and all of a sudden a metal roller skate Comes up to the shit and just starts rolling up He's the nastiest dog

I've ever had In terms of like eating his own shit This new ever had. In terms of eating his own shit. This new one? Yeah. He tries to eat his own shit. He doesn't anymore. He stopped. But I'm sure he has recently.

But for the most part, he does. It's weird. He leaves it alone. But when he was a puppy, like when I had just got him, he was a few weeks old, he would take his shit and literally trying to bite the shit as it's coming out of his ass. He'd be turning. I'm literally trying to bite the shit as it's coming out of his ass. He'd be turning.

You'd have to grab him to keep him from eating this shit as it was coming out of his ass. He thought it was like a Mr. Softee machine. It was so disturbing. I can't believe it comes right out of my ass. It's like, look, man, I love you, but you've got to stop doing this. Why, Joe? Get a cone. Get a cone. Come on.

But the good thing is it made me really diligent about scooping poop up in the yard. Yeah. Dive on that. You got to get it up quick. Quick. Let them. So we bought a special trash can. My other dog's going to shit.

We're going through the same thing. We're going through the same thing. How old is he? He's a baby. He's five months old. Yeah, we're at nine months. Yeah, babies are babies. Is this one that's in the hospital a baby?

Yeah nine months Yeah Yeah I hope she's okay She comes home with like Mystery shit on her head Like where did you even get this? Just walks in all happy to see you With a big blob of shit

Right on her head I killed a rattlesnake a month ago You did? Yeah Really? Yeah Yeah It's on a walkway

Like right where I was walking I was like fuck this By your house? Yeah by a friend's on a walkway Like right where I was walking I was like, fuck this By your house? Yeah, by a friend's house, actually How'd you kill it? Stomped on it Just went up and stomped Didn't it try and bite you?

No, I got to it before it got to me Oh, really? Yeah It wasn't a big rattlesnake, but it's dead What kind of shoe wear were you wearing? I don't remember It had to be a nice boot It was definitely not a wise move

No! No, it was just something in me Like said I don't remember. It had to be a nice boot. It was definitely not a wise move. No. No. It was just something in me that said, first of all, my friend would want me to kill this. He doesn't want a fucking rattlesnake in his yard where his kids live. Right. And second of all, I think I could do it right now. It was one of those things. I think this snake is slipping on me.

He's not looking. He doesn't know. Because most people are not going to just stomp your fucking head if you're a rattlesnake. Yeah. But I was like, that is the move right now. Just try that. Yeah, the rattlesnake's instinct

is humans run from me. Yeah, and it's like, yeah, kind of, some people tell you you're not supposed to do it. Okay, and I understand what they're saying. Like, I would not want

all the rattlesnakes to die. I'm not a rattlesnake hater. But I have rules. And if you get into my house, if you're a snake and you're in my house, I'm going to fucking kill you for sure. Yeah, 100%. 100%.

And it's not my house, but I mean, it was in front of my friend's house and he has kids. That's a dead snake. Yeah, kill that snake. I personally would not have done it. But it was a garter snake? It was like, I've seen those.

I don't bother them. No, they're not gonna, what, they're gonna gum you to death? No, but this guy also has little dogs too. Those dogs get jacked. Maybe she got bit by a snake. Oh dude, easily. Easily.

Easily could have happened. I've had three dogs bit by rattlesnakes in California. Yeah, they're all over. I almost got bit by one. I was hiking down a little trail, I might have said this last time. I was walking down a trail and my wife was behind me and it was a narrow part and I just came around a corner

and the thing just went struck right at me and I just backed off I just ran right past my wife why are we running and I came back and I was pissed off at the edge of the trail in this little bush and I just threw rocks at it

and ran past it I could have got you now that's the thing and I'm still rocks at it and ran past it. God, I could have got you. Totally. Then what happens? Now that's the thing, and I'm still not clear on it. We're two miles up in the mountain. They say you're not supposed to move, or else you'll get it pumping through your system.

Oh, Jesus. Do you make a tourniquet? I don't know. I don't know. I should have learned since then, but the idea that my wife would have carried me out doesn't make sense. That she would go for help is kind of tough. You know, two mile hike down the mountain and back.

They make snake proof boots. You should look into them. Maybe snakes like you. Maybe you're like one of those people that like people like mosquitoes, like mosquitoes like people. Yeah. You know, like I could be right next to you and get bit by all the mosquitoes. Everywhere I go there's rattlesnakes.

These aren't rather than you guys. Bread you cook. You just smell good. Oh, I brought you bread. Oh, thank you. Now, I know you don't really eat it, and I don't want to mess with your avocado and elk thing. I eat it occasionally. But look at the bag that I have.

Okay. I have these bags now. Paper bags. This is how much they are perfectly shaped for these bread. Oh. Ooh. Look at that. It does look really good.

But if it just came out this morning, look at that beautiful. That smells amazing. Yeah. This is art. You're doing art. Even if you don't want to eat it, give it to your family. I'll eat a piece of that for sure. A little butter.

I'll give it to the family tonight. I've perfected my method since I was here last. Wow. You know what's really intense? What? With that bread? Did you ever hear of a gentleman's breakfast? No.

Oh. Comes from England, London. Is it like blood sausage or something? Not as intense. You take butter at night. Let it soften on the counter. Chop up garlic and anchovies. Mix it all together into the butter.

Put it in the fridge. In the morning, you toast some of that delicious sourdough bread. A thick layer of that butter on it with some eggs on the side. It's called a gentleman's breakfast. Wow. I like it. on the side. It's called a gentleman's breakfast. Wow. There's something about first thing in the morning. Garlic, anchovy,

butter. It's dangerous. Oh, it's so good. It's a bold choice. You don't give a fuck about your breath. No, you're not. You don't want to be near people. You don't want to be near people for a good day. You might have just eradicated your morning breath. You brushed your teeth and then you got down with this.

It sounds nasty, but I'm telling you, it is the most delicious thing I've ever had. Sounds amazing. I want to do it tonight. Anchovies, garlic, and what else? Garlic, anchovies, and butter. That's it? Just those three things? Let it soften.

Mix it all together. Chop up the anchovies and the garlic really fine. Throw it all in there. Do you know what will ruin you? If you get real anchovies and the garlic really fine. Throw it all in there. Do you know what will ruin you? If you get real anchovies. Like, you ever get real anchovies? Yeah, like fresh anchovies, like in Italy? No.

Oh. I mean, maybe in a dish of something, but. Yeah, I've gotten fresh anchovies and fresh sardines. Oh. Fresh sardines are amazing. Sicily. Amazing. You go, with this, wait a minute, this is what a sardine tastes like?

It's not all covered in. Goo? Thick paint like oil. Yeah Mustard yeah, so fresh anchovies. I have never who that would make the gentleman's breakfast even better. I bet it would Yeah, like when you get like a really good Caesar salad at a really good restaurant. They do it by the table the real man. Oh yeah And it takes like 10 minutes. He's there working on that thing in front of you. That'd be like, yeah, that's a real old school move, right?

Like it's a Musso and Franks type thing. That's right. Yeah. Oh, I love Musso and Franks. Is that place 100 years old? It's the oldest restaurant in L.A. Yeah, I think it's 100 years old. I think you're right.

I think it's like 1915 or something like that. Yeah. You get a martini in that place. It is just, it's just perfect. Yeah, they know what they're doing. It's all old school stuff. Old school steaks. They put it in a tiny glass instead of these giant glasses like they use now.

It's a smaller glass. And then they give you the extra in ice on the side of your glass. Oh, those guys. And any place that has a 70-year-old guy waiting on you in a uniform. Look at that. Yeah, that guy. Then you know you're in good shape. Let's go there.

Come on. Let's go for steaks there one night. We should go for dinner. We should. We should. We should go before the store. Yes. Like go for steaks.

Yes. Get a bunch of guys together. Yes. You can even let a girl come. Eh. No, the problem is girls don't really like it there. I've taken girls there. My wife included.

They're not that into it. They don't like an old man's pickle fingers giving you your meat. Something about that turns the ladies off. It's funny. Those places that still have that kind of, there's like, you can't fake that in a mall. No. You know what I mean? You couldn't have like a new Musso and Franks.

Yeah, there's like, what's the Rayos in New York? It's like five tables. It's hard to get into. It's like where Joe Torre eats with Derek Jeter and Giuliani. Is this the inside? Yeah. This is Musso and Franks? That's Musso.

Yeah. God, that looks awesome. I've sat at that bar with a couple friends i've sat in that booth like the curve booth at the back with my wife and a friend what's that one steakhouse in new york where they hang pipes from the ceiling is it called keen's what is it called keen's clay pipes is that the name of it yeah am i saying the right name keen's k-e-a-n-e phenomenal steakhouse and um for some reason like back in the day like famous people would bring their pipe and they would hang the pipe on the wall they would give you a pipe they would give you a clay pipe and they have pipes that from

everyone that smoked them there einstein patton roosevelt all of these people and they and the place is covered with it and then i roll in there for the first time in 2001 when the smoking ban has gone into effect and you're not allowed to smoke a pipe in this legendary place i felt so cheated cheated like when i be like when i went through puberty and age showed up you know what i mean it's like why us why can't i smoke and put my pipe next to albert einstein's yeah when i was when i was like 16 or 17 if i remember correctly they raised the drinking age to 21. it used to be 18. yeah that's right is that right that's's right. 18 to 21. I want to say I just missed it. We did just miss it. Wow, look at these.

Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth's pipe. Pee Wee Herman. Now, let me... What? Different kind of pipe. Wow. Theodore Roosevelt's pipe?

Holy shit. Look at that. And then we roll in there and we're not allowed? Come on. I know. That's kind of weak. I understand cleaning up the city and stopping people from having cancer. Buffalo Bill's pipe.

One place, one night. Buffalo Bill's pipe. Buffalo Bill's pipe. They have a beautiful nude behind the bar, too. Yeah? This huge painting. In Keens? Yeah, Keens.

It's a beautiful painting of this beautiful nude. Look at that one ceiling. That one ceiling where you see all the pipes, Jamie. Look atens. It's a beautiful painting of this beautiful nude. Look at that one ceiling. That one ceiling where you see all the pipes. Jamie, look at that. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, shouldn't Joe Rogan's pipe

be up there? No, it would be faking it. I've only been there twice. I know, but... I've only smoked a pipe once on this show. I like a nice pipe once in a while.

What happened to pipe smoking? Where'd it go? I don't know because they're... They're so much more pleasant to people that are around you. Like a cigar drives everyone out of the room. I love cigars. I like cigars. But they're rude.

But you smoke a pipe, the ladies aren't as offended. Why is that? Because it's more aromatic. It's perfumey. It's a gentleman's craft. I have a pipe in my little pencil case. I have a pipe right here, bro. I just take it out.

I don't smoke it. I just walk around with it. I'm gonna pack one in right now. Good for you. Look at these guys with their pipes. Look at that. They're long pipes. No weed, huh?

All tobacco. Why can't we be like that? I don't know. What happened to us? I don't know. We've become a bunch of babies. Such babies. Worried about cancer.

I understand trying to help people with the cancer and all that, but at that one place can't keen still smoke there should be places that you could go that are like a club i go to the soho cigar bar when i'm in new york that's a nice little spot i've i've smoked there with chapelle and uh alan havey robert kelly it's great hang. You go and you sit like gentlemen. Like gentlemen. Like gentlemen, and you just discuss your life, and you meditate after the day. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah.

You could do that in a cigar bar. This is a place that I go, you could order food, and you could smoke cigars. It's great. It's amazing. It's a good restaurant, too. That smells good. It does smell good, right?

Thank you, Steven Crowder, for the lovely pipe and tobacco. The problem with the pipe is you gotta keep it going. Now could you, whenever you see at the improv and stuff, that picture of Jay Leno with his pipe, in the old days when he was playing the improv like we are, he would smoke, he would carry his pipe around. Could someone pull that off? Could somebody do that today? You'd have to do a lot of drugs.

You'd have to be like that Hunter S. Thompson guy that does so much drugs he lets you have a cigarette holder. Right. Remember when Hunter S. Thompson used to rock a cigarette holder? Yeah. Nobody else rocked a cigarette holder. With Dunhill's in the end. Yeah.

He did it because he was just so far out there that everybody was like, it's fine. Right. It's real. I guess you'd have to have really kick-ass material. You couldn't be hacky with a pipe. Yeah, Chris Rock would rock a pipe. Yeah, if you have killer material, you could do whatever you want.

I would like Chris Rock, now that he's divorced, to go on stage with one of those Hugh Hefner velour jackets on. A velvet, right? It would be velvet. A velvet jacket on. Smoking jacket. With a smoking pipe. I have one of those. Do you?

Yeah, it's a red from Brooks Brothers. Nice. Nice smoking jacket. Deep pockets, like you put all your pipes and your Lighters in it hot as hell. Do you walk around your house like in your underwear with a robe on ever? Yeah, do you? Closed but yeah It's all girls am I right in my place. It's weird, too. Yeah, and what age is it inappropriate for your kids to see your dick?

I would say legit for boys, no age. For boys, no age. For boys, no age. For girls? For girls, I'm going to say like three, four. Like three. Fours are pretty. Really?

They would climb into the shower and like point and laugh. So after that, you don't even let them look at it? They can't see it? No. What if you climb in and out of the shower and they're So after that, you don't even let them look at it? They can't see it? No. What if you're climbing out of the shower and they're right there? Do you hide? Yeah, like when I come out of the shower,

I've got to walk down this little hallway and that door is sometimes open and it's towards my daughter's rooms. And I'm really conscious of... And it's such a weird... I catch myself a lot. I'm totally naked, but as long as I put everything in my palm of my hand

that would be okay if they happen to catch me to my so that we my seven-year-old stands in front of shower door points of my dick and laughs yeah my youngest is hilarious she's really funny man she's just like all she wants to do is go for the laugh like all the time she's constantly just going for the laugh. And that's her thing is that she's like really silly. Yeah. And so she's like really silly at school. She's really silly at home.

That's my little one. She just loves having fun. Yeah. Good student. Yeah, she's real good. She's a great kid. It's just really interesting to see kids grow up without the same kind of like financial pressure that I grew up with or that probably you grew up with too or not the same kind of like financial pressure that I grew up with or that probably you grew up with too.

Or not the same kind of weirdness in the house. Yeah, there's not like when the dad isn't, it's dad. It's when dad's not freaking out. That too. And also, you know, I just think people know more about people now. I think our parents didn't even have a chance. No. They were trying, they didn't even understand themselves, let alone understand time with you

and what was going to make you feel good. And most likely they were crazy young. Like how old were your parents? Yeah, 20. Yeah. My mom was 20 or 20. Well, she was 20 when she got pregnant, 21 when she had me.

Yeah. If I can go back and think about when I was 20, if somebody told me I had to raise a kid at 20. Yeah. Oh my God. I'd have a grown up psychopath right now now that i'm trying to manage dude i'm sorry i got the whole thing wrong i don't know how we can redo this i think about that sometimes like you really have to let i left i let my parents off the hook all the time now just in

my memories because like when my dad said that to me he was like he was 28 yeah you know what i mean he had no idea when he was 28 before the internet yeah i think 28 today is way more knowledgeable yeah there's pockets of flat earthers and shit out there that ruin that curve but other than that 28 today is way more knowledgeable i think than 28 of 20 years ago and yet so much more immature Maybe some in some ways, but I think that's generalizing I mean it's thing it's really hard to say people today. You're talking about so many people you're talking about 350 million people Yeah, but you know the idea that people were like men and women were raising families Doing all their hard work doing doing all that very adult stuff. Right.

There's an adolescence now that's extended until you're mid-30s. That's true. You know what I mean? They may not be as intelligent because they didn't have as much knowledge and stuff, but they were grown-ups. There was a distinction like, I'm doing grown-up shit now. Do you think that's almost like an evolutionary course? Like life gets easier and then people learn more about stuff, but they don't have the same sort of physical resolve that people did back in the old days

where they had to work harder? Yeah, maybe. I mean, it's kind of like the two kind of go together. It almost seems like there's a direction that people are moving into. Yeah, and think about it. Back then people were dying at 60, 70. Now, if you're living to 100, why shouldn't your 20s be a little more adolescent? Because you're going to live so much longer.

Well, apparently, the live longer thing, a big part of what the live longer thing is, they reduced a lot of infant mortality. And a lot of it is like the average of how people die. It's also infections when you're younger and all sorts of it is like the average of how people die it's also infections when you're younger and all sorts of things before medical science but the actual age that people live to hasn't really changed as much as people think really yeah i thought it did too but it's what it really is is that didn't chris ryan explain that to us i believe it was dr chris ryan phd oh author of sex at dawn uh Good friend. Know him well.

But I believe he was the one who educated us on that, that what's going on is that you're counting in infant mortality. It used to be like if people got an infection, like a blood infection before antibiotics, guess what? You're dead. Right. You know what I mean? You get septic, guess what? You're dead.

Yeah. Tetanus. Yeah, you're dead. Rabies, you're dead. Snake bite. Yeah, you're dead yeah tetanus yeah you're dead rabies you're dead snake bite yeah you're dead everybody's dead but yeah but aren't people living like aren't there's more like 90 year old people aren't there i don't i would like to find that out let's find out jim it also is probably cultural like you know when i was in africa i was talking to a guy who was 50 and he was acting like he was at the end of his life just matter

of factly just stoically he's like i don't have much time you know and for people in the messiah they don't live that long yeah because lions live around fucking lions yeah yeah if you're 50 and you haven't been eaten yet you're like holy, holy shit. What a great run I've gone on. The gods have smiled upon me. I will continue. Cecil has not taken my life. It says this was March of 2016. It said for the first time in human history,

I guess people who are 65 and older will surpass those under five. So there'll be more people that are older than there are that are younger. So so people are staying alive but are they living longer so what you know I'm saying like same I know no no they're not living longer to like a hundred years old but there's more people that are alive that are 65 so it's like people are staying alive but are they living longer like what is the long age that people live like if you don't die

of something if you just die of old age what is that number and has that number moved yeah i think that number isn't that funny that we just fixate on that when do i die it's heavy man movie man you ever watch netflix and you accidentally hit the remote and you see it like there's 48 minutes left and you're like fuck now i know yes i could have just been locked into this movie enjoying it for what it is now i'm saying okay 48 minutes you know i kind of have to pee should i hold it should i pause and sometimes you feel shitty about yourself when you check you're like i'm really enjoying this why do i have to know because we're retarded i i feel bad sometimes if i check my phone and there's nothing on it i'm like why did i even do that yeah i gotta like if you just obsessively like look at your

phone see if you got a text why it's the worst this phone thing is such a a life suck it is sometimes but again it's also something that just needs to be managed because it's a major connection to news. You know what's fucked up, man? I get the Time Magazine alerts. Yeah. I get New York Times alerts. I don't have the alerts. I'll have the swipe left and see it.

I have alerts for certain breaking news things. And for days, it was just Trump. Yeah. So every time my phone vibrate i take a deep breath but please don't tell me we're at war i know like look at my phone please don't tell me he dropped a nuke please don't tell me some new russia shit has gone down every day it's some new russia shit every day it was it was so rapid fire like those last two weeks before he took off on his vacation or his world tour.

It was nonstop. There's something that was just revealed that's really interesting that James Comey has said that he ended the Hillary Clinton investigation early because there was some evidence that was introduced against her that was clearly counterfeit and from Russia. Yeah. And so he didn't want that evidence to leak. Excuse me. How crazy is that? I know. Well, that's what I heard.

I heard some congressman on Face the Nation say that. He said, this is what is going to get scary about all these leaks and stuff. He goes, they're taking the information from the emails from people, say like the you know, the emails from the DNC or whatever, and they're leaving 99% of it perfect, and they put just one little line in that says something that's heinous or says something about somebody doing something toward or something, and they put that out.

That's more dangerous than just, in the old days, you're just trying to like launch some big story. Now they just bury this one little item in this huge dump of information. Yeah, how do you sift through that? How do you yeah? I don't know you read something and it's been leaked to WikiLeaks How do they know that it hasn't been altered exactly is that something that they do checks on do you know fine? That's what the Comey thing that it's like, but it took a long time You know in the initial dump it like, they're just going through it and, what's this?

Right. But it takes a long time to sift through it and see if that's really a true story or not. Because that would be- The truth is like bubble gum right now. Yeah. It's crazy. That would be an amazing feat if they could verify 100% the veracity of these emails that are being leaked. They could probably verify the sources.

Yeah. But whether or not they could verify that this hasn't been altered in any way, I don't know. Maybe we just don't understand the technology. Maybe they can do that. They'll probably get there. I mean, they've got to be working on it.

What the fuck, though? That's my whole philosophy with everything in life right now is someone's working on that, right? Well, it is so crazy. Where's the nuclear waste going to go? Someone's working on that. Well, they have been

working on that. They're trying to figure out a way to use it for fuel. That would be cool. They think they can do it, too. They think we're, who knows how long away from using all of our

nuclear waste as fuel. Ooh. For like a rocket ship? I don't know. They were talking about making batteries with it out of diamonds. Remember that? They were talking about making batteries with it out of diamonds. Remember that?

They were talking about using nuclear radiation from nuclear waste to charge diamonds as batteries. That's some Star Trek stuff. I know, it sounds like total horseshit. Where you have this one little orb of stuff in the pirate ship. I needed a second Jamie, a standby Jamie

to Google ship. It seems like they can't actually confirm I need a second Jamie a standby Jamie to Google shit at some point right now it seems like they can't it just says like they can't actually confirm authenticity of the stuff they're getting they can't

so Wikileaks so when Wikileaks gets an email they can't necessarily guarantee the veracity independently confirm it but then they did

at some point like they couldn't with the Hillary stuff in the beginning but at a certain like now I don't know now, Comey's. I don't know, man. Yeah, it's weird.

Well, Comey's saying that one thing seemed to be counterfeit. So one thing being counterfeit is like, okay, how do you know? Like, they're not going to release how they know yet. Right. There's a whole crazy bunch of shit going to go on with him and this, you know, the investigation against Trump. Yeah. Yeah. It's big stuff.

It's weird. Big time stuff. It's weird. I don't know how weird it is. I mean, I really feel like Trump was running. He didn't know he was going to win. They were just like, you know, he's still a businessman. They're dealing with Russia and they're doing with all this stuff.

They weren't thinking like politicians, like this might look bad one day. Then holy shit, he gets through and the momentum carries. And now he's the guy. And it's like, Oh, so Manafort probably shouldn't have promised,

made that deal with them. And you know what I mean? Like all this other, he kind of got caught up because he just wasn't, he was a businessman. He was doing that stuff but he definitely wanted to win you know you don't think he expected to win i don't think he expected to win no he's still talking about it like holy shit i won he says it every every time

you ask him a question you'll be like so what do you think about palm trees should we save those i don't know but you know it's really hard for a republican to win the electoral college but i did it did you see the map i just put up a map in my office about isn't that just because he likes to congratulate himself partially but he's also a little in awe like boy i don't see it that way no i see him as extremely self-congratulatory did you see a part of his whole shtick like when he talks about a television show say oh it's number one because he watches it right you know all the ratings did you see him shove the guy out of the way what the was that about he's the guy out of the way and then straighten his jacket like a guy in a movie and when he pushed him out of the way he grit his teeth like get the out of here

he's so nuts it's so weird who's the guy he pushed out of the way weird he's the um the leader of montenegro who's just coming into the european union so he's there like this is my first time with all the with the whole eu this is my first time being here and they're coming out for a photo and he shut trump shoves him out of the way and then like straightens this thing like i'm all right the glowing the glowing terrorism the counter-terrorism globe i'm trying to find the have you seen the photo from the other angle like which shows what they're looking at like all the desks and the crazy see it like no no but it's just it's the the pictures preposterous that's everything that every conspiracy go back to the picture that's

everything every conspiracy theorist is fucking terrified about. You're right. There's a dude behind him who's dressed in traditional Arab garb. Yeah, the Saudi guy. Yeah, the Saudi guy who's probably worth a trillion dollars. He's touching the globe. The other guy, where's he from? With his perfect suit and his Iranian face.

Yeah. Right? He looks like a Middle Eastern gentleman also. He's touching that globe. Then Trump with his expensive suit on Middle Eastern gentleman also. He's touching that globe. Then Trump with his expensive suit on, his crazy hair. He's touching that globe. I mean, this looks like chaos. And the light coming up from underneath like a scary camp story.

It's a fucking movie, man. This is a movie. I know. They're holding on to a globe at the same time and it's glowing. It's so weird. This is a comic book. I know. It really is.

It's a comic book. This is a scene in Star Wars. What the fuck is that? That's so crazy Why do that? No, I think Obama be like hold on. What are we doing? The globe it's glowing okay, what does that represent? I think we're gonna pass on the globe Why is it why is it glowing? Have an explanation for this Exactly can we take this uh

let's take a picture by the fountain instead fuck man just it's all of it this is so odd it's so odd it's a big oil grab now i understand why dudes are out there with the fucking metal detector man simplify life just looking for shiny rocks and metal and shit. Joe, I am telling you, this bread obsession of mine is, if things are going well, I'm probably not making as much bread. But to just go in simply and just be making bread with the news off and just put on some Bob Marley and just go and make bread and give it to my friends and family, it's a calming thing in these chaotic times. And I'm not, you know, it's corny.

I'm not trying to be corny, but I really believe that back to basic It seems like people are just like let's just simplify things. This is out of whack totally Let me just well bread is a task right? You know you've got your ingredients you know what to do and if you do all the things you're supposed to do It'll come out this delicious amazing food that you can eat. Yeah, and yet it's elusive. You have to tend to it. It's a craft. Yeah, right.

You have to learn it. Right. So this task, it becomes this thing that your mind is fixated on, and you can fill your consciousness with the nuances of this task. Yeah. And not think about all the bullshit, like these fucking weirdos grabbing globes. Right, exactly. And shit. Making weird oil deals all over the place.

What was the other question that we were asking about when we were trying to double jam you? Montenegro. Well, the death. The average age of death. Oh, yeah. Which I didn't really get to yet. I just saw 78.8 is what it hasn't changed from. 78.8 for men? Yeah, but I think that's still based off of that infant mortality thing

added into it. Right. Yeah, I think that's always added into it. It's just like right out of like a James Bond. Totally. This is like X-Men. It's like Star Wars. Like you expect Darth Vader to like be at the end of that and the guy comes in after his, to give the report on what happened. Seriously though, could you imagine being Trump, a guy who used to host a reality show

on NBC? Yeah. He's a successful businessman. You know, he's a well-known guy. But, I mean, how much of that is a ramp up between you or I or a lot of people that we know that are famous? Right. How much of it is, like, Jerry Seinfeld?

Is Donald Trump a ramp up in popularity over Jerry Seinfeld? I guess he is now that he's the president. But when Jerry was on TV and Trump was on, they're kind of commensurate. You could see, like, Jerry Seinfeld being president is what my point sure Ronald Reagan go back to that original picture that we were just looking at just a couple frames ago Now go and think of a guy like this go full-screen on this fucking thing Imagine Jerry Seinfeld and all of a sudden Seinfeld gets invited to this League of Nations thing. Yeah. It looks like a superhero comic book scene in one of those movies. I mean, there's a goddamn picture of the earth that's a light that's on the wall.

All the light on the floor is blue. There's little spotlights everywhere. It's all freaky and clean and perfect. There's these little screens in front of every chair. Like, what the fuck is this? This is where all the world's decisions get made? Yeah. It looks like the, what's the Peter Sellers movie with the bomb?

Dr. Strangelove? It looks like Dr. Strangelove. Exactly. It looks like Dr. Strangelove. Well, just, I mean, why would we expect them to make more sense than us? Yeah. That's the thing about world leaders. Like, they're just people.

And they're people that have an extraordinary amount of power with not nearly as much oversight. Right. In most countries, right? In most of these, like, Middle Eastern countries and most of these, I mean, they don't really have to fucking tell people what they're doing. They do whatever the hell they want. Yeah, for sure. And a lot of these places that we have relationships with, they have crazy human rights violations. Yeah.

I mean, look, you have to deal with, you know, good and bad. You can't really. I know, but look at that, deal with good and bad. You can't really... I know, but look at that, man. Imagine someone like Seinfeld there. Imagine if he won. What if Seinfeld became president? He's like, this is crazy. What is this globe? What are we doing with this thing on the wall? I can't find my translator. translator trump is he's i mean we we always think of like politicians the same way i used to think about celebrities before i met a few of them yeah you meet him and you go oh that's just a dude he's just a dude right he's just a guy yeah just a guy yeah yeah just so happens to be there become

famous yeah well i think that's kind of the same way with politicians we've always thought of people that's one of the reasons why we've almost like allowed them a certain amount of leeway when it comes to insincerity and, you know, getting caught in corruption and lies. Like, well, there's a certain amount like she's a politician. Right. He's a senator. This is what they do. You let it slide. You let a little bit of it slide.

But if it was like a friend that was doing that, you'd like serious problems with them yeah you know yeah but look it's things have to be a little dirty because you're dealing with everybody you know you're dealing with everybody there's so many interests you gotta that's what a politician is it's a compromise it's playing both sides it's trying to get stuff done you know i think we've gone to this this absurd point of um misinterpreting good for flawless you know what i mean right there are there could be good people who have a lot of dirty stuff going on no one's flawless the idea that based on the internet we're able to get all information on everybody all the time we can't hold people to a standard of being flawless. It doesn't exist. But I think you can be good while still making some, you know, you can't, if you set that

parameter, that bar, you're never going to have people that are good enough. Yeah. And you're going to have these weirdos that have insane egos because those are the only ones that are willing to take the punishment of being criticized the way Trump's taking it right now. Yeah, you got to be. But, you know. He's taking it in a way that no one's ever taken it before. You could say he deserves it.

Yeah. I'm not saying that. I'm not making a judgment call. I'm saying it is absolutely fascinating the way the media and the way people online are treating this president of the United States. It may be justified. Yeah. I'm not arguing that it's not.

Yeah. What I'm saying, though, is it's a very unique moment in time where you see so many people attacking the president. Well, it's such a rush. I mean, you know, you could say, I was having a discussion with my teenage daughter about navigating online stuff and seeing what people are doing, and it's almost like the president is going through the same thing that you're going through as a comedian that teenage girls are going through.

This is a flood of information and access and attacks and praise and everything from everybody all the time, 24 hours a day. So the same way we have to navigate, you know, with haters and all that kind of stuff, the same way kids do, the president has to deal with a flood that's never been this raging before. Yeah. I mean, it is an intense, intense thing. And it almost is like who else but somebody built for television is ready for this job at this time. And maybe not even him.

But what I was saying is that, like, politicians were always like a thing not like you or I. But then all of a sudden they are a thing like you or I because now it's Trump. And he might not be like the average person, but he's like you or I. Yeah. I almost did his show. When I was doing the re-version, the new version of Fear Factor, they invited me to do it. And I thought about it for a while, but I would have had to live in New York for a few months. And I was like, I don't want to do that.

The new Fear Factor that's coming out? The old one. Oh, the old one. Like in 2011 or whatever the hell it was when we redid it again. Yep. But, I mean, that's... And you would have been with him. I could have been hanging out with him.

You know what I'm saying? He came on the marriage ref. Yeah. I sat with him on the marriage ref. We hung out backstage. The first thing he said when he walked into the dressing room was, we're going to get great ratings tonight. We're going to get great ratings. He was so focused, and he was impressive.

He was tall. He was a dominant guy in the room. And then I'm sitting on stage with him, and we're all talking about married couples. It was like you would show real people, and then you'd discuss their marital problems, and the celebrities would weigh in. And the whole time he's right next to me, and the whole time he's making jokes about the girl's breasts he's just like you know nothing really just being funny he was being funny and he would be like well you know she's got something going for her and then he would look at me and give me a little wink

on the side and it wasn't for the cameras it was just for me and it felt kind of creepy but it's kind but it's like he was just a dude. He's a charmer. He's sitting there with me. Right. In equal footing. And now he's the president of the United States. Think about how powerful.

There's not one human being I don't believe in the country that doesn't have the word Trump go through their brain, whether they say it out loud or not. All day. All day. All day. Or at least a couple times a day. You know what I mean? It's so insane. Yeah.

There's initial disbelief, then there's an aftershock, and now there is a waiting for the next shoe to drop. Every day. Everybody's just sitting around waiting for the newest scandal. Every day. Waiting for the impeachment, waiting for the lawsuits, waiting for the jail. You just want calm.

I mean, you know, you have a great joke when you've been working on about this isn't a job for one person. Yes. Right? Yeah. This really should be a committee of people running this country. It's too much for somebody. And I love the joke. But I think that what his job is, what that president's job is more than anything, is to just lead people.

He has power. All those people in those positions, they have power. And what they say and what they do affects people. Not policy, just the Reagan-esque. How they carry themselves. Carry themselves, make you feel good about the direction all that and right now everybody's filled with anxiety yeah because he's not doing that part of the job well but he still goes on twitter and calls people losers and you're like wait it's like it's like a kid like you're saying

before it's like a kid hearing like having a dad be batshit crazy in the house the house is going to be crazy yeah if dad is shooting heroin and in the house, the house is going to be crazy. If dad is shooting heroin and he's laying on the couch and he's covered in Cheetos and he's yelling at the wife, the whole house is going to be freaked out. That's what's going on. But is that the price that we have to pay to realize that our system is ridiculous? Is there any... The throwing the card table up and... Is there any value in that thought? I mean, other than the real issues with the environment,

rolling back the standards on the EPA, and all the different things he's doing that freak people out. The Dakota Access Pipeline, which I don't understand enough to know whether or not they were going to restart that anyway. I know Obama shut it down, right? And then Trump brought it back up again. Who knows if they had made some sort of an agreement?

Who knows how that works? Who knows if they had made some sort of an agreement? Yeah. Who knows how that works? Who knows if they, you know how that business is very dirty. It's very dirty. Totally. I mean, it's, you know, you could make a case that all of this is a big oil grab, right? I mean. Well, the Dakota pipeline stuff is terrifying. Dakota pipeline stuff.

The head of the EPA is an oil guy. The secretary of state is an Exxon guy. The head of the EPA is an oil guy. The secretary of state is an Exxon guy. The people he favors more than our European allies are Saudi Arabia and Russia, big oil business partners. You could say this is just business. As usual. And it's right. And the thing is, and this is what's so complex about it, it's, okay, so maybe it's an oil grabbing.

He's getting his friends rich but oil also is so much more than just what's coming out of our cars we are so deep in oil it's it's it's not i'm my whole my main thing is the planet and its beauty and trying to sustain it i'm a complete believer in climate change and all of that. But to naively say we can just shut down oil and be like, we can all just move along. It's so much deeper than that. My nephew is a, went to, just graduated from school and he's big agro farming guy. Like that's what he wants to do with his whole life. His revelation was that oil and food are so interconnected. All of the fertilizer that's creating all of the food that we're eating every day is oil-based.

He said, so you're trying to separate emissions and all this stuff, but just the food that we eat is so tied to oil. We need oil. So I don't know how you fix that and how you try and make good policy about it well there are alternatives to fossil fuel based oils that they use to make plastics I know that I know they can even make plastic out of hemp oh yeah yeah it's biodegradable and they've just started to make these biodegradable Natural fiber plastic bags that are not they're made out of like a plant plastic Yeah, like in the supermarket yeah, but your vegetables in those yeah, they're supposed to they well

They'll they will when they go into the environment. They'll actually Biodegrade they will become dirt again right right post like a regular plastic bag Which probably takes like a fucking hundred thousand years or something Yeah, then birds eat it and die and choke on the plastic caps But apparently you can make plastic out of hemp and it's super easy to make in terms of like it regrows itself very quickly Like if you have a forest and you're trying to make paper like you know you're trying to make paper out of a you know You have a forest and you're trying to make paper, like you're trying to make paper out of a forest timber that you chopped down specifically for paper, to regrow it to the point where you could grow paper again could take years.

I don't know how many years, but many years. Whereas hemp regrows itself every year. Really? Every year, yeah. What is this right here, James? This is edible plastic made out of milk protein. Oh, sheesh. That's a reason for food packaging.

Holy cow. Not vegan. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, but I mean they're packaging like dairy products and whatnot with it at least is what the video shows but That's fast. Oh this video. Yeah, like two days ago Well, that's certainly something that can be worked on, you know, the idea of biodegradable plastics would be huge the yes, the scariest things is that we Huge. That's one of the scariest things is that we started making waste and never had a plan to do anything with the waste.

And then it's stacked up to the point where we're dealing with enormous amounts of waste being put out by human beings every single second of every single day. I was in New York last week just working the comedy cellar all week. And every night I left the club just on McDougdougall street just between third and bleaker the amount of garbage that's thrown out of these restaurants and these juice places and coffee places stacked waist high all the way down the street every single day you see rats darting in and out of them oh tons of rats tons of rats Oof. Tons of rats. Oof. They're creepy. Yeah, it's, we are, we are a weird creature, man. There's so many of us.

And we're not really thinking about that. Like, you think about how many, like, on an average day, how many water bottles do you come across in LA? It's the worst. There's like 10 of them here in this room. I know. I feel guilty drinking it. I got gas this morning. I threw a bunch out of my car

i threw them into the garbage yes when i got gas you know i threw it at the garbage can at the gas station i was like how many fucking water bottles i have in my car it's crazy think about how many times someone had to make plastic and how many bottles of plastic are being made and then that plastic has to be in a landfill somewhere or you know in the ocean that giant island in the ocean yeah that big plastic bottle island yeah oh it's terrible apparently it's not quite a an island they call it an island but it's really just like a floating patch oh yeah but it's disgusting it's horrible it's really bad some kids figure out a way to fix that there's so many people yeah just i mean there's so many of us

yep like i'm all for farm to table and, like, knowing where your meat comes from. Right. I get it. I want to do it. I'm trying, you know. But when you think about how many people are looking for lunch at the same time, all those mouths looking to feed. I mean, you need, like, a McDonald's. Somebody's got to feed these people.

You know what I mean? In a cheap way. There's definitely an issue, for sure. I don't know if you need a McDonald's. But you need something. You need food. And there's 20 plus million people in this area that aren't growing anything other than the occasional pot plant. Right, exactly.

Maybe a fern. I have a fern in my kitchen. I'm growing my own basil. I'm growing my own basil i'm growing my own peppers i mean who the fuck do you know that grows enough to live off of i know you can't do it nobody you can't do it unless you live on a farm yeah nobody's growing enough food to live off i mean not i mean just the people you see like on the 405 i mean just feed those people you know what it is to have like on this great Memorial Day weekend, if you're going to have some people over and have a little barbecue, you bring 10 people over, you guys get some food.

This is some serious amount of food you need to feed 10 people. Yeah. Billions of people. And then they want to eat again in an hour. Yeah. And they want chips. Do you have chips? Do you have any soda? What kind of soda do you have? Taking dumps in an hour. Yeah. And they're all- They want chips. Do you have chips? Do you have any soda?

What kind of soda do you have? Taking dumps in your bathroom. Oh, filling up your fucking pipes with their shit. Think about how much shit is going through. They're eating on the bowl. Chewing on a rib and taking a dump. Think how much shit is going through under the city every minute. The comedy store has a bathroom.

There's a new bathroom they just put in. Oh, yeah. I saw that. Fancy. It backed up last night. Oh, no. Yeah. They have old pipes and a new bathroom.

I don't know what they did. They replaced the pipes, but something went wrong. Oh, boy. And I walked by the bathroom last night. I was like, what the fuck is that smell? Oh, no. It's terrible. There's something about the smell of shit outside of the water that is just so repulsive.

It's so gross. Back to the dog thing. We were talking about our dogs rolling in shit and stuff. My cousin's dog the other day, they had people coming to paint the house. And my cousin's wife told them, hey, listen, you can use our bathroom. Don't worry about going. You don't have to go outside. Our bathroom is your bathroom. But they didn't really really speak english they didn't really listen to her and some guy took a dump in the bushes the dog rolled around and it came

came running inside and she's like oh what is oh oh my god how did you get human shit on your head? How did she know it's human shit? It smelled different. And then they went outside and looked, and they're like, you guys, use our bathroom. Oh, we're so sorry. Oh, no. Oh, my God, there's shit in the yard.

And the dog is so happy. Look what I found. These guys are great. Have you seen these guys outside? They're so happy. Look what I found. These guys are great. Have you seen these guys outside? They're so great. Why does a dog want to roll in shit? I don't know. What is that?

I don't know. Like, what possesses it to think that that's a good move? They're just so happy. Oh, man, I guess I'll roll in this. No one's going to throw a ball? I'll roll in this. God damn. Look what I found.

Have you met these guys? They're awesome. Their shit smells terrific. Ari Shaffir apparently smeared his own shit on his face during a podcast. Why? I don't know. They were talking about it. One of their podcasts they did, he went to the bathroom, and I guess he didn't do a good

job of wiping, and then he reached back and felt his butt and then smeared it on his face like war paint. Oh, yeah. They got taken off YouTube for that. I can't find that. How weird. I would have felt like YouTube would get behind that with all their advertising money. Yeah.

Oh, it's terrible. Just worry shit on yourself. He's like, fucking, you boiled his brain out there in Thailand. He's out there in fucking Vietnam in the hot sun for too long. Yeah, he comes, every time he comes back, he's a little different. He's living a very unique life, that fella. He is. God bless him.

Is he off the cell phone now, even though he's here? No, he'll text you. You can text him. You can. He texts. He has one of those flip phones that you can text with. Right. It flips sideways, and it's got a keyboard.

He'll send you a text. Yeah. But if you send him a picture, he has to forward it to his email. Oh, good. He's got to go check it on his computer. He's got to go to a library. And they won't let him in because he's got shit on his email. Oh, good. He's got to go to a library. And they won't let him in because he's got shit on his face. You're the

guy. Shit face. A shit face. You get out of my library. It's so funny. That guy went away for four months, man. Yeah, I know. Just vanished for four months without talking to anybody. And then he shows up and it's like, alright, it's time to tape this TV show again.

Yeah. It's not a bad move. Well, I mean, I guarantee you he's got some crazy stories. There's no way he doesn't. Yeah. Because he's probably out there making stories happen too. Like knowing that he's going to need some stories. Yeah.

It's true. I know. I mean, his whole show is a story. It's all stories. He needs it. His show's one of the best shows on Comedy Central. It is. It's really good. I really hope Comedy Central never cancels that thing. It's all stories. He needs it. His show's one of the best shows on Comedy Central. It is. It's really good.

I really hope Comedy Central never cancels that thing. It's really good. Because it is one of the best shows on Comedy Central. Yeah, I know. It's one of the best stand-up shows there is. It really is good. And I did it twice. And I get more hits off of that than I do stand-up sets. Well, it's just different.

Yeah, they just like seeing it. Because it's stories. You're talking about stories. And it's also different because guys like Henry Rollins did it yeah, he's not even a necessarily comic He's a great storyteller So he'll do this stand-up comedy storytelling show and just tell stories and the settings really cool looks good like yeah That's strip club. Yeah. Yeah, it really and his suits trip club off outside of now I want to go there one day when he's not filming the show just just go hang feel what it's like when you really see it really like

we're seeing like yeah a side of it that's not real now you're seeing like Atlantic City in the daytime it's like this is very different than what like what happens when the Sun Goes Down Atlantic City in the daytime is yeah is that it's true strip around the pole right there hey go but your girls in the audience the fuck is this shit Yeah It doesn't look fun When I was a kid

There was no girls That went to strip clubs None Zero Now everybody's like Yeah It's a thing to do So hot

It's like going to a sports bar Yeah It's like Girls who go to cigar bars Yeah I'm just like you guys I'm one of the guys Oh right

Right Right But we're here to not be with you right now They're trying to try to test your resolve young Tom Papa trying to calm down They're trying to get you to come over their side slowly, but surely they turn you no man. She's cool She's different from all the rest. How about the guy who brings his girlfriend everywhere? How about that brutal motherfucker? Yeah, you're gonna have fights over your house. Hey, man you want to come over and watch the fights? Yeah, sure. I'm bringing Cindy. Oh, you fuck. You fuck. You didn't even ask.

Those guys who don't even ask. You just open the door and you're like, everybody's over the house laughing, people are drinking, pot smoking, someone's jerking off the dog with their foot. And then she comes in. Are you guys ever going to grow up?

I did that once in college. I came in, and I was the guy who brought the girl and walked in, and you could just feel from everybody. The hate was so thick, and they just got so silent and changed the vibe until you got her out of there. There was no other way to do it. There's the guy comic who brings his girlfriend to everything and then expects her to be able to talk on podcasts. There's a special place in hell reserved for those gentlemen.

You know who you pussy whipped mongrels are. You get your shit together. You get your shit together and don't you ever do that again. Yeah. Look, you want to go to dinner? Sure. Bring her along. You want to do it?

Fine. Mike's problem is that he doesn't listen to me enough. I know. That's so great you're here to tell me that. That's what I want to do right now. We would be the same exact thing if we showed up for one of their Fifty Shades of Grey parties. They're all wearing ball gags and ready to fucking tie each other up with stockings. And we show up.

Oh, great. You brought Jamie. No. Yeah, a guy going in with all girls, you ruin the whole night for them. You ruin the vibe, man. If you show up at a Tupperware party. All of a sudden.

Tupperware. Tom makes bread. I make bread. Ladies, the seal on this is not going to be enough to keep my bread fresh. You fucking. Tom makes bread. I make bread. Ladies, the seal on this is not going to be enough to keep my bread fresh. You fucking... Yeah. No. You ever see girls at your shows

and there's like a whole table of girls? They're so free and they're laughing. They're having a good time. One guy sits at that table. Ruins it. Ruins it. Yeah, because he's playing sexual politics with at least two different girls. Like you might have a girlfriend there, but he's a little too friendly with her friend. She's getting pissed off, and you complimented her dress.

I thought she was your friend. It's a nice dress. You look better. Now you say that. You didn't say it before. I'm sorry. Just like a blueberry pie eating contest and stand by me just in your face. You sometimes just need to, you need a break.

You need to light a cigar and be alone. Get out of that. Yeah. It's too much. It's absolutely important for any friendship, any relationship, anytime two people interact with each other to take time apart from each other. Just have a little bit of space. You know, all the time.

Like if you're on top of each other each and every day unless you're a really unique couple which i have met before they are they're out there they make you feel really bad about your own relationship they do everything together and they're always looking at each other and laughing yeah no we're great we work together and we play together well we just get along we finish each other's sentences they're holding hands all the time yeah it does happen it does happen i hate them well you know what it is, man? It's just like they found that frequency, that unique personality frequency. Because oftentimes, like, your frequency and someone else's frequency is just, they're just off.

Yeah, and that doesn't mean you don't love each other. Like, one person might be the who, and the other person is the doors. Right. You're like, okay, we've got to figure out what we're doing here. Yeah. This is the end. But we both really like the doors. Right. And you're like, okay, we've got to figure out what we're doing here. Yeah. This is the end. But we both really like the Beatles. Yeah.

My only friend, the end. Oh, how can you play that? Who are you? Who, who, who, who? Like, no, no, no, you're too hyper. Too hyper, man. Fuck you. Totally different.

I know what I'm doing. And those two people are together for 15 years. Yeah. But clawing at each other's throats. It's really interesting years. Yeah, but she clawing at each other's throats It's really interesting when you see people that are clawing at each other's throats Yeah, yeah, okay. That's a good question. Who would you rather be around the couple that's Stabbing at each other or the ideal couple who's making you feel like your relationship isn't so great Oh the ideal couple for sure. I want to be around happy people. Yeah, I want to be around people that are enjoying each other's company

There's nothing more frustrating than being around two people that insult each other like slyly in public. Oh, it's brutal. We know a couple of those. Phil Hartman's wife used to do that all the time. Really? Yeah. They say you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but when they kill your friend and then kill themselves, I think you're allowed to talk shit. Absolutely.

There's no reverence in death for the bad ones. They had a very combative relationship, but she used to talk shit about him in front of us. Really? Yeah, right in front of him and us. It was just like she would say he's old. One time she was talking about her car. Phil was talking about a car. Phil was a car aficionado, loved cars.

So we were talking about a car. I forget what it was. And then she goes, I love pickup trucks. I want to get a pickup truck. All my boyfriends back home had pickup trucks. And you're just picturing her getting stuffed in the back of this pickup truck by some fucking farmer boy. Some dude with thick wrists and big old catcher's mitt hands. Just laying his fat dick to her.

Doesn't even take his pants off. But saying that, like, i don't know it's terrible it's just weird it was and was it constantly like that she was always belittling him i was tearing him down they would have these horrible fights man i never understand that it's like you're together like it's for the good like his success is your success and yet they'll still tear them down well people don't think logically yeah i know what you're saying but that's not a logical thought yeah i mean that i think they just didn't get along great you know for whatever reason phil was really fucking smart too he was the coolest he was a really smart you're so lucky you got to know him yeah he was um like i mean he would do things like he learned how to

be a pilot yeah so he would be on the set and during the downtime, he'd be reading aviation books. He'd just sit in there reading them, going through them. He was the most studious guy and the most disciplined with his notes. He would have his script and each one of his scenes that he was in would have a certain highlight, like a tab, like a green tab or whatever the color tab was. And then all of his scenes would be highlighted he'd have notes beside them specific parts of the scene where he wanted to do something different or he questioned his intent early like yeah yeah oh in and he would just every time he would nail it every time he would use the incredibly rare time where he would

crack up during a filming. Yeah. But, you know, just having fun. Yeah. It was never like he fucked up. But he never fucked up, right. I mean, everybody fucks up and laughs when you're not supposed to laugh, because it's funny, right? But he was on his game.

He was so professional, but he was like a very, very, very intelligent man. Well, he was an artist too, right? Yes. Didn't he start out like designing album covers? He designed album covers for bands. Yeah. Yeah. Before he was ever even on SNL.

He was also one of the writers for Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Right. And he was on Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Yeah, he was on Pee-Wee's Playhouse. And I think he wrote the first movie. I think he wrote Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. It's one of the writers. Really?

Yeah. What a great, that's amazing. So you got to hang with him a lot? You guys would hang all the time? He took me up in his plane. He did? Yeah, it was crazy. I was going to buy a house, and he was suggesting on these different areas and he said what do you

like i said i just like quiet i like peace i see things that are pretty like nature and he's like okay because i think there's an area like right around like thousand oaks area i want you to check this out right so he take me up in his plane flying around and looking it was crazy instead of driving on the 101 to go look he had like a small plane and what freedom you have when you have a plane man you ever want to do that fly yourself yeah but it's a weird way to go when you know this fucking plane's dying on you i've had cars die on me yeah you know i know the mechanical end of it are you mechanical are you like um not. I mean, I know certain things, but it's like someone saying, yeah, I took karate when I was 14.

Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. I ran my own stereo in my Toyota Corolla. I did that. Right. But I wouldn't tell you that I can install stereos.

Yeah. Yeah. I know a little bit about cars, but I love them. Yeah. I do too. But that's the thing. It's like, I feel like if you're going to have your own plane, you've got to be really knowledgeable on top of it. And you've got to know your limits.

And that's kind of my limit. Yeah, it was intense, man. The landing was intense. It was a little tiny plane, man. It was a little two-seater plane. So it was just me and Phil, and we're coming in for this landing. I'm like, Jesus, it's right there. The ground's right there. It's crazy. It's weird. It's a and Phil, and we're coming in for this landing. I'm like, Jesus, it's right there. The ground's right there.

It's crazy. It's weird. It's like a small plane. And knowing that it's like your goofy friend from the set is taking you in. Well, he was always like an older brother to me on the set. Yeah, because he was older than me. How much older was he? He was more experienced.

At least 16 years older, maybe more, maybe 17 17 18 years old or so yeah and he was a star already right yeah he was a star yeah like when he was so great we were on the set he is in movies all the time you know he was just getting off of saturday night live right and uh you know and then of course dave foley was a big star from Kids in the Hall. Yeah. And he was a big alternative star, too. Everybody loved him because he was so smart and the writing was so good. And then Andy Dick was a known weirdo.

Yeah. And so it was a fascinating little group of humans. It was a great crew. Yeah. Great crew. I remember spending a whole summer just watching Phil's Best of SNL disc. Ugh. And stuff that wasn't even a hit like him playing the acting teacher oh i mean i would watch it in a loop i could not stop watching it he was so this is something this is nothing this is something this is nothing

and then he would like somebody like sir can I get out of my class? He was on the money 100% of the time. Yeah, man. He would do stand up for the audience for fun. Oh, yeah. He would like warm up the crowd. Oh, really? You know, he was like putting together almost like a little routine that he would do. And we talked about it.

He's like, oh, I think I'm going to go on stage someday. Wow. He just never, I don't think he ever really did it though but he could have easily done it and his wife just god damn well hey man she was troubled you know she was a troubled person and she was also on zoloft and cocaine oh my god which apparently leads to psychotic thoughts and uh it's apparently a very bad combination especially for some people with you and people have their own particular sort of human neurochemistry they got going on up there and with some people with you and people have their own particular sort of human neurochemistry they got going on up there and with some people when they do coke and uh zoloft

together it just makes them insane yeah yeah yeah but the real one of the real losses as a fan of his is that he was the kind of guy that the older he got the better he would become oh yeah he was playing guys who are older than him. He had that very fatherly, intelligent, older kind of vibe anyway. Yeah. So as a 75, 80-year-old, he would still be killing it. Yeah, I think there's a million different kinds of tragedies, but the big one is those kids had to deal with the fact that their mom killed them and then killed herself.

How many? Two kids, and then they went and lived with the family afterwards. mom killed them and then killed herself. How many? Two kids. And then they went and lived with the family afterwards. Just the whole thing is so dark. It's so sad. It is, man. It is the worst. But, I mean, it was also, it's just more evidence of what happens

when people are in those combative relationships. I know. And they just don't gel together. Well, you know, you have somebody, have you ever been around like just a toxic person oh yeah and it's like just one-on-one you leave you're like it's an energy that just drains you and then imagine living with that person yeah it's just it's got it's too much work yeah too much work but you know you ever dated somebody who was really kind of toxic it's kind of exciting at the same time. Sometimes the freaky ones are the most fun in bed. Yeah.

The really crazy ones. Yeah, it gets a little crazy. Sometimes. Sometimes. When you're young, too. Sometimes those breakup makeup fights are awesome. Yeah. You know, when they come back, you didn't think they were coming back.

The next thing you know, you're making out. Right. Oh, this is crazy. Yeah. Then you hear the cops. Like, what the fuck? Did you call the cops? I called them before I knew we were getting back together. Jesus. We're okay here, sir. We got to escape. No, it is crazy. At the end, that's- And you hear the cops. Like, what the fuck? Did you call the cops? Called them before I knew we were getting back together.

Jesus. We're okay here, sir. We gotta escape. No, it's fine. We're all right now. We just had an argument. Cops are lazy. Get on the roof.

I saw a house on fire yesterday. Really? Yeah, like up the street from me. A hole. Like a house. A blaze? The roof was ablaze. Whoa.

And it was up in the hills, so they had to- Oh, that's bad. Yeah, to get the fire trucks up there. But then they stopped it. Like, it's still standing today, but the roof was a blaze whoa and it was up in the hills so they had to oh that's bad yeah to get the fire trucks up there but then they stopped it like it's still standing today but the roof is all but I've never seen like

a whole house on fire dude I saw an entire I have to outdo you that's how I do it that was the big accusation

of Oprah she used to like outdo people but um when I was um working doing Fear Factor in 2003, it was 2002 or 2003 when they had that giant fire. There was a giant fire. It was on the way towards Bakersfield, up the five. And we were filming up there at Tohon Ranch.

There was a lake. And we were dropping these people off from helicopters the lake and normally without traffic it's about an hour 20 drive hour half drive to LA right from from Tohono Ranch but this day it was bumper to bumper and a guy died a guy ran out and got hit by a car. And I saw his sneaker and I saw him laying on the side of the road briefly as I was passing while people were trying to attend to him.

And I didn't see his head splattered or anything like that, but I saw his leg and then my friend Matt told me that guy wound up dying. And so that was the beginning of this eerie drive home. Then as we got closer to LA, it was literally snowing ashes.

And the entire right side of the highway was ablaze. Jeez. Like as far, I'm talking like a mile in. Oh my God. Like as far as the eye could see. It looked like the fucking Lord of the Rings. It was like I was waiting for demon horses to come riding over the top. Right.

And it was crazy. And just like miles high. It was insane. There was tornadoes of fire. I mean, it was fucking fire everywhere. And you're in traffic at that point? We're in traffic. So you're just sitting there?

We're barely removed from it by a patch of asphalt. God. And I'm telling you, man, I'm not bullshitting. That side of the road was like that for an hour For an hour of driving like the whole right side was on fire. Yeah, that's insane when we were coming from the 101 We're coming up the 101 towards like Encino Yeah, and the entire right side like over the crest of the hill over near the 118 Yeah, you'll see me Valley area a blaze just a blaze It was crazy. I got evacuated from my house really yeah The 118, Simi Valley area. A blaze. Just a blaze. Oh, my God.

It was crazy. I got evacuated from my house. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Threw the dog in the back of the truck. Oh, my God. Just grabbed a laptop and some stuff. No, this was Johnny Cash.

And that's my other dog. That's so great. Frank Sinatra was dead at the time. But it was crazy, man. It was crazy. Fires are intense here. Yeah. People in my neighborhood, you could see them, like, stuff packed to the roof and shit, coming

out in, like, rows of cars, people pulling out of garages and shit. It was trippy, man. That's the problem with some of those, like, more remote areas. It's like, you know, you're surrounded by beautiful trees, but after a couple dry summers and then... Some asshole with a cigarette. Yeah. Kablooey.

Yeah. Yeah. Fire is fucking terrifying man because i talked to this fireman and this is it scared the shit out of me because there's been a few of these big rock'em sock'em fires that have hit the la area most of most it's in the summer when the winds kick up yeah what's that yeah yeah um and one firefighter told me he goes dude it's just a matter of time before one day a fire catches and it goes through the entire city and we can't do shit about it. What? And I go, really?

And he goes, yep. He goes, it's just the right conditions, the right wind, the fire coming from the right amount of angles, the wind taking the embers in the air, lighting more houses on fire. Oh, my God. He goes, it's just a matter of time for one day it goes right to the ocean. I hate the, it's just a matter of time for one day it goes right to the ocean. I hate the, it's just a matter of time, guys. Right? The earthquake, just a matter of time before this whole place just falls off into the ocean.

Yeah, that's like glass half empty squared. Yeah. Just a matter of time before the big plague hits takes us all out. They do say that a lot, right? Just a matter of time before there's no more food left. It's just, God. But where do you want to be?

Do you want to be somewhere? You don't want to be a prepper, right? No. But you don't want to be the guy who dies of starvation because he can't figure out how to get by. No. You want to be... You want a couple... You want to try your best. Do you want to be Rick from The Walking Dead who goes

through several seasons of horrific events and is basically a shattered man by the time I abandon the show? Yeah. Or do you want to be one of the people that gets killed early on? So it's a wrap. I'd probably go somewhere in between, get a little adventure, meet some new people, make some mistakes, you think you got it together, and then wacko. But isn't The Walking Dead the ultimate existential crisis? Because if you do die, you're going to come back as a zombie.

Yeah. The only thing that can free you is, I guess, if you shoot yourself in the head. You would have to shoot yourself in the head because if you shoot a zombie in the head, they just stop being a zombie anymore. Somehow or another, there's a button. I feel like they're getting very wishy-washy with the zombie rules lately. I don't watch it anymore. Yeah, me neither.

I watched like a little bit of it. The zombies definitely aren't consistent in their ability to fuck things up. Yeah. They used to be able to tear apart horses, and now they can like, you can just push them aside. It's like, get out of here. Yeah, and they're like these bony little things, and yet they're kind of strong. I don't get it.

Yeah, and here's my question. What are the, why aren't they rotted all together by now? Like, why aren't they just a bag of bones? Like, what's going on? I guess because they're not real. Oh. Did you see what happened to Big Sur? What?

Big Sur, Ventana, whatever ranch, Canyon Ranch, whatever. They're completely isolated. They've had giant mudslides, and that that part you can't enter or exit the town Yeah, they closed off like the one yeah They're completely isolated right now, and they think they're gonna be able to open up the road coming from the north by like September What and they don't know if the south is ever going to be repaired. Oh my god. Yeah, go go go go go go It's crazy. Look at that.

But let me see what it looks like. Look at that mudslide. What's the title? You have the title obscured. Oh, Landslide Buries California Scenic Highway in Big Sur. If you don't know Big Sur, this is like the most beautiful part of the ride between LA and San Francisco. Oh my God.

Up the one. Look at the fucking landslide. Yeah. They think that the only way they're going to be able to do it is to just build on the landslide. It's that much dirt. More than a million tons of rock and dirt fell down. Look at that. It's insane.

The landslide extends a quarter of a mile. It's just mountain now. The road is covered in a layer of dirt 35 to 40 feet deep. How many people are dead in there? I don't think that many. The highway runs through Big Sur, which is a major tourist attraction. Authorities have closed all access to the highway

and don't know when it will reopen. How about get a fucking shovel? All you need is 100 Mexicans. It'll be done by tomorrow. Hey! Those people work hard. Metal detectors. All this bullshit about the wall. Let me show you, Mr. Trump. We can do. Metal detector. How about that?. I have these messages. Let me show you, Mr. Trump. We can do. I just want to see that again.

Metal detector. How about that? Oh, you go crazy. But look at that. Do they expect that people died there? It's million dollar. There's, what is it, the Henry Miller Museum and the Big Sur, Ventana, all these beautiful places where you would drive up and be able to stay overnight and eat on the coast.

You can't. Those places are isolated. They weren't covered in the slide. You just can't get to them. Yeah, so what you got to do is you got to buy real estate there now. Yeah. Because a bunch of pussies would be panicking and selling cheap. You're right. Scoop up a nice scenic view.

Imagine if that's your house. You're just sitting up there chilling. And all of a sudden you slide all the way down into the ocean. And that's how you die. That's so crazy. You just think, I finally made it. I got this beautiful view. Look at my deck.

I did it. Hey Tom, come on over, bring bread. Joe, you did it. I can't believe you did it. You did it, buddy. We're having a... It's still moving! We're having him be able to go up there and assess.

It's still moving. Hey Joe, is the yard supposed to be moving like that? Look at this. We have geologists and engineers who are going to check it out this week and see how do we pick up the pieces. The highway, oh, my God. Snakes around the California coastline is a major tourist destination. Crews called the landslide one of a kind. But it happened like a month ago, and then just like last Saturday, another chunk just went.

So it's still in motion. Yeah, man, that's what in motion. Yeah, man. That's what keeps me, things like that are what keeps me from living on the ocean. I know. I rented a house in Malibu and one time I got super baked. Yeah. And I went down to the bottom floor. I was only in this house for like three months.

But it was like, the bottom floor bedroom was like the water would literally go under it. Right. And at nighttime, it's fucking horrifying. It's scary. In the daytime, it's gorgeous. Like you're looking out and you see that blue water and it's so inviting. But at nighttime, that water is dark

and the sky is black and you're like, oh my God. It like shows you what it really is. I'm in the ocean. You're essentially at the whim of this ever-changing sea. You are riding on a gamble. Yeah. And that gamble is, what are the odds that it's going to shift now? You know it's going to shift eventually.

That's right. This house is probably worth millions of dollars, and it's just sitting on this water. Crazy. You don't even have a front yard. Your backyard is the ocean. My cousin has a place down towards San Diego, and all these beautiful multi-million dollar homes on this cliff. And they just keep shoring up the cliff. They just keep putting in new planks.

Got concrete rivet. And they're just hanging on. It's like someone, someday is in this house when it goes down. But man, when you're sitting there at the sunset and it's just you and the ocean. It is pretty spectacular. It might be worth sliding in eventually. Yeah, I think what you have to have is super baller money. So you have that house on the coast and then you have a house somewhere else.

Or you don't have a family and you're just a dude with a surfboard. You're like, this is the perfect spot. If I lose everything, so what? I'll rent a house somewhere. Yeah, I've done it already. Yeah. You could do that. Yeah.

That would be a good move. But you don't want to want your kids get sucked away by the tide. How do you? You're enjoying that pipe. I do. It's good, right? It's a little buzz. I wish I had a cigar, though.

I know. You know what? I was actually thinking about bringing cigars today. But I couldn't remember if you said we could smoke in here. Yeah, we can. Well, in the new studio, the new studio is like a mythical place that we keep talking about. Once it actually exists, people go like, oh, he wasn't bullshitting.

Yeah. You have been talking about it for a while. The new studio, we're actually having ventilation systems put in the ceiling so that it can hit a button and it'll suck the smoke out of the room. That's great. So if like Dice Clay is here, Dice likes to smoke. I like the smoke. Oh!

I just got pipe tobacco everywhere. But he'll smoke and it won't make me. That's why Dice doesn't smoke a pipe. It won't make me nauseous. That's awesome. Yeah, and then. And you won't go home smelling. People won't get secondhand weed smoke too,

so it won't put you under. Right. Do people complain about that? No, I would never smoke in front of someone that like has an issue. Right. Do people complain about that? No, I would never smoke in front of someone that has an issue. Like an AA issue? I've had people that have come on that have specifically requested me not get high in front of them. They didn't know me

that are in the program. They're like, please don't have them do drugs in front of me. Yeah, that makes sense. They get a little squirrely. Next time I'll bring, I have a big box of Cuban cigars. Ooh. They're so nice.

Ooh, strong. They are strong. They're big, too. What kind? Cohibas. Ooh. So nice. The head rush after that is like, you might as well go to bed.

I used to like those Hoyo de Monterrey Double Coronas. Nice. Those big, fat post-steak cigars. Yeah. They have a big steak and mashed potatoes with sour cream and chives after musso and frank's you ever go to the cigar place next to the improv uh no i have not i know that spot it's a good spot i've never been in there if you're ever doing two shows there screwing around it's a nice little

hang you want to get away from the club for a minute. Go sit in there. The guy who runs it's great. It's a good spot. That's cool. I really like the improv, man. The improv is a different vibe now. I've been going there a lot lately. Have you? It's a different vibe. It feels good. Everything feels good now, man. Comedy feels great.

This is a good time, man. It really is. Last night was beautiful. What did you do last night? One of the things I did that was really interesting, I did a podcast with my friend Owen Smith. Do you know Owen? I love Owen. He's hilarious.

He really makes me laugh. Funny dude. He's such a good guy. Subtle, solid guy. Good guy. Yeah. Anyway, Owen has a new show that he's coming out with called Something Notebooks with Owen Smith.

And what it is, is you find your oldest comedy notebooks and you bring it out and go over your material. show that he's coming out with called Something Notebooks with Owen Smith. And what it is is you find your oldest comedy notebooks and you bring it out and go over your material. And I found some notebooks from 1990. That's great. I had a list, a set list from 93, a new material list from 1993, March of 93. Wow. I was like, wow, this is crazy. It was terrible.

It was like needles through my soul reading off my lines it's so hard terrible bullshit jokes that i have when i was 21 your ideas this is really saying something man i had um i had orchestrated crowd work i'd like written in oh so terrible it was so bad i showed it bad. I showed it to the camera. It's okay. You're learning. I have a tape. I have a cassette tape, a video tape, VHS tape of me doing stand-up.

It's stand-up New York, like in my first year. Oh, my God. Like 93. And I am 30 pounds heavier, tight jeans. I think I'm wearing a vest, curly hair, and I would lunge when I would tell the jokes. Like this Elvis kind of lunge. Come on, baby. And I was so scared to hear if they were going to laugh or not that I would just go 1,000 miles an hour just yelling.

I thought it was Kinison. It's like Kinison without the jokes scared that they're gonna like catch you if you pause for a second yeah not what i didn't give him a split second i just went you know that one thing that some comedians will do especially in the early days where they like say a bunch of things in a row and they memorize it and the audience audience will clap at the end. Yeah, you build it at the end. Their big memorization. It's so true.

It's the closest you get to a guitar riff. Exactly. Well, that, in my opinion, is where Dice had everybody beat in the 1980s. Because people would go to see him and they would repeat his lines they wanted to hear what's in the bowl bitch it's crazy the whole audience do it just like a fucking rock concert crazy yeah you can't that's that's a one-of-a-kind experience yeah can't replicate yeah I mean Dice had something that was different because they were going to

see stuff they already knew yeah Yeah, that is so wild. Like he would go, hickory dickory dock. And everybody would go, fucking crazy. Just insane. I still weird out when I hang out with Dice.

Still, to this day. Because he was a rock star. Well, when I'm in the room with him, I weird out. I can't even believe that's Dice Clash. Yeah, it's crazy. No, he was so big. And my girlfriend,

we were 19. We were sitting in my car. Yeah. I was so big. And my girlfriend, we were 19. We're sitting in my car. Yeah. I was dating this hot Nicaraguan girl. Nice. She had a great sense of humor. She's hilarious. But we're sitting in my car, listening to this fucking Dice Clay tape, just howling,

laughing. It was so stupid. Because when you're 19, that is like the perfect kind of comedy for you. Oh, God. You know? Sat on a tuffet. Oh! Little boy blew blue he needed the money do you ever see him do a long set back then was it i only saw like short sets yeah like i went to see him live um i saw him a couple of times yeah Yeah. And then I saw him.

Would he do that the whole way? I saw him in a store a lot in the 90s. Right. When he was just sort of fucking around. But when he would come to the store, it wasn't like a set, like a concert set. Right. It was like he was working on new material. He was fucking around.

Right. Just working out. When he would do long sets. I mean, everyone was waiting for the nursery rhyme stuff. Oh, yeah. He still does nursery rhyme stuff i saw him me and jim norton and uh anthony kumia and who the fuck else was it i think bobby kelly and red band we went to see him in vegas at the riviera that's great which is just recently no obviously the riviera is dead now. Oh, yeah. That's right. I think it was probably five years ago. Right.

Maybe a little more. But God damn, we had a great time. I saw the whole set. I saw his whole set from beginning to end. It was great. It's great. He was a monster. Dude, he was a killer.

See him in the Woody Allen movie? I'm sure you did. Yeah. He's really good. He's a good actor. Yeah. Really good. That Woody Allen movie weirds me out, though.

That one? Movies all weird me out now. Because of. Because he's really good. He's a good actor. Yeah, really good. That Woody Allen movie weirds me out, though. That one? All his movies all weird me out now. Because of... Because he's so crazy. Because of the guy? Because of who he is? Because of who he is, yeah. Yeah.

I think he's still a brilliant director. Yeah. And a great screenwriter. But it's just like, you almost... There's certain things, you know, you expect. You know, oh, he got hooked on pills. Eh, it happens. Ah, he's a boozer. Eh, it happens. a boozer happens yeah you know it turns out he was gay yeah happens oh he's

fucking his daughter how old was she when he met her yeah she was two yeah Yeah I don't know That's that great That great joke by Emo Phillips What is it? Woody Allen adopted Suni When she was four years old Started dating her When she was fifteen Patience of a saint

Is that what he did? He started dating her when she was 15? Is that real? Something like that. I don't know. Jesus Christ. But, you know,

you find out anything about an artist, you're going to not like them. Right, but here's the question. Again, is it me? Is it me? Is it the same thing about my friend

jerking off his dog with his foot? Is it just on me? I mean, what if, I mean, it sounds gross, but what if, after all those years, they really were in love with each other? Does that make sense?

It seems like it now, right? I mean, he's an old man and they're still in love and hanging out. Is that unacceptable? I don't know. It's unacceptable if people get hurt, if no one got hurt. I mean, you can't do, I mean, there's a lot of things. Yeah, those are the pictures before and after. Yeah, but I heard some of these are, I heard there was some weirdness in some of these.

Well, there's weirdness here. This is a little girl, and he's with her, and then he wound up marrying her. That's weird, man. It's just weird. Well, he didn't make her. Well, look, he's not arrested, and he's not in jail, so it's not illegal. Right, and didn't everything And wasn't there a case? I mean, didn't they investigate and find him innocent of all this?

I don't know, man. That's the problem with these accusations, too. I mean, the accusations of that stuff are so huge. Even if you're found innocent, that doesn't compare to the charge. Was he found innocent? Like, did they go to court? I don't know if he was criminally tried. I don't think he did anything criminal.

So there was no evidence to even... I don't think so. I think there was a time where Mia Farrow was saying that he had done something to one of their other daughters. Right. Yeah. And then Woody was saying that that daughter was coached by Mia and that Mia's crazy. Right.

And that she's furious that he wound up with Sunyi. It's all crazy. It's all crazy. It's crazy. But I'll tell you, I can shove it aside and watch Crimes and Misdemeanors over and over and over. Yeah. It's one of the greatest films of all time.

What was the one where it was the space movie? Sleeper. Sleeper, yeah. That was a freaky movie. I mean, so good. Just what he's doing now. I mean, he's made two movies a year for how many years? Does he make two a year?

Yeah. Does he? Yeah, the Spring Project, the Fall Project. You know what's really interesting? Vicky Barcelona. Midnight in Paris. Midnight in Paris is amazing was really weird watching Owen Benjamin that not Owen Benjamin Owen Wilson Owen Wilson basically doing what I him yeah I mean he really was doing a version of Woody Allen and it totally worked it totally

worked totally worked I mean Owen did a great job oh that movie was so good he was really like he was channeling like a woody animal like even the way he read the lines that same vibe yeah just just the existence is amazing and tolerating ridiculous you know like they were both tolerating ridiculous from each other everyone's having affairs yeah you know just the paris exists isn't that enough oh beautiful film i mean it makes amazing work well he's a weirdo yeah weirdos have weird thoughts i know that's the thing makes him more creative i mean whatever reason i know and i just don't have the connection that like ronan farrow obviously has to it he can't watch those movies but tom papa sitting in his uh place watching the movie i'm not connected

enough for it to bump me out of watching the art. All artists are freaky if you get down underneath it. I'm sure there's a lot of people that we adore who did some pretty heinous shit. Yeah, when someone like David Carradine dies wearing a wetsuit with a dildo up his ass, hanging in a hotel, you know, didn't he die from like autoerotic asphyxiation? Yeah. The guy from NXS, same thing. Yeah.

You know, it's like a lot of people die doing like really freaky shit. Doing some weird stuff. Yeah. People are weird. Jesus. Don't dig too deep. It's better just to know people on the surface. Or just let it go.

Accept. Yeah. You know? But that's just the only, I mean, I'm almost always willing to do that. Almost always willing to do that. But the Woody Allen one makes you go, ooh. Yeah. The Bill Cosby one does not make me want to do that. Almost always willing to do that. But the Woody Allen one makes you go, ooh. Yeah. The Bill Cosby one does not make me want to do that.

I don't want to. That one is just like, I got to write you off. Yeah. Forever. Forever. Right? Drug and rape 50 women. Yeah.

That one definitely. That's a lifetime write off. If he had made Crimes and Misdemeanors, maybe I would be okay with it. What about Fat Albert? Distant Fat Albert. What about Roman Polanski? Can you still watch Fat Albert? Hey, hey, hey.

Is Fat Albert difficult to find? I doubt it. Because it seems like Fat Albert kind of reinforces certain racial stereotypes that he might probably disagree with as he became older. I don't know. There was a little moral stuff there. Was there? Everybody getting along. Yeah. Do you remember that was always the rumor that he had bought out the little rascals and then he had kept it from being aired because it was racist?

Yeah, because of the buckwheat stuff and all that racist stuff in it. Was that true? I think that was Snopesed and I think they found out it wasn't true. Oh, really? Yeah, that he bought it. He bought the rights to it and wouldn't let it be shown. Yeah, find out if that's true. There was a lot of racist stuff back then.

Dude. We were talking at the comedy store last night about how people in the old days used to smack people. Like how often you'd see a movie where like Humphrey Bogart would smack some woman in the face. Yeah. And then wind up making out with her. Yeah. That's just how it went. They would smack each other

yeah women would smack men men would smack women smack smack i love watching uh it's a mad mad mad mad mad mad world what was that you've never seen that i don't think so oh come on it's one of the greatest comedy films of all time who's in it buddy hackett oh jonathan winters jack benny mickey rooney um henny youngman really i mean milton burrell wow i mean it's endless it was just all these spencer tracy all put in this crazy film about uh trying to race across from uh the desert to santa monica Phil Silvers, all these, I mean, great, it was like the comedy film of its time, and it still holds up. It's still great to watch.

You would love it. You have to watch it. The thing I love is everybody screams. Everybody is just yelling at each other. You moron! You idiot! You got me into this way! Who the hell are you?

It's so cathartic in a time where everyone has to be so reserved and say the right thing. Everyone's just like, you're a moron. Just slapping each other in the face. It's so much fun. People were just harsher to each other back then. Oh, it was great. It was a different world, right? A totally different world.

Not that long ago, either. Little Rascals and Bill Cosby. Did Bill Cosby status false? It says origin, spanky alfalfa, buckwheat, Darla. Just a few of the easily recognizable names were a fond part of the childhoods of generations of kids, beloved characters, blah, blah, blah. It's just a rumor that started around 1989. So where can you get Little Rascals now? You can probably just buy it online.

I don't know if it's officially on Hulu or anything. I didn't look for that, but it says it's been licensed into syndication since 1997. Bill Cosby has never owned any part of the rights to Little Rascals. Oh, so it's bullshit. There's another one that popped up. It said he tried to block Amos and Andy from being on TV, too, or something. Yeah, and CBS withdrew it from syndication. No Amos and Andy.

Ted Turner had bought up the rights to the TV show that Dukes of Hazzard to keep it off television because of his demeaning portrayal of Southerners. The series is, well, this is old. It says it's currently syndicated on TNN. It's not anymore. Neither rumors, but that's not true either. They don't air it anywhere anymore, right?

Isn't that the deal? Like, they didn't, like, digitally remove the Confederate flag. No. There was something today about the Confederate flag. Oh, man. What was in the news today about the Confederate flag? There was some politician.

The mayor of New Orleans has given one of the best speeches, I think, of our lifetime. That guy did. The mayor. Then someone else did something terrible today. Oh, really? Civil War Museum closes after spat with Confederate flag.

That's not it. This speech. There's something about someone refusing to take down the Confederate flag. Confederate flag comes down, accusations fly. No, no, no. I don't think that's it. You'll just be searching. He'll be searching.

But it was another politician who was refusing to take down the Confederate flag. And you know, Mississippi has it as a part of their state flag. Oh, really? Yeah. The Mississippi state flag is like a Confederate flag in the corner of it.

Right. The mayor of New Orleans, I forget his name, gave this eloquent 20-minute speech about the removal of four statues in New Orleans. Robert E. Lee, Civil War era things. So eloquent. The points he makes, it's really about togetherness, moving ahead. We have to realize that this was a part, this was a wound to our country. And it never healed right.

And this is part of making it heal right. And taking down these statues. Try and explain to a five-year-old girl who lives in this city of what that means. But it was put up right after the Civil War to let people know. This is the way things, it was a white supremacist supremacist movement that put those up there you explain that to a five-year-old girl how are we going to move forward in the culture if we don't get these removed this isn't about hate this isn't about revenge this is about moving forward he 20 minutes in in a time like we're talking about a rush of just news and constant noise and chatter and tweets.

This guy takes 20 minutes, eloquently, calmly makes the case in a way that, my paraphrasing, doesn't do it any justice. No, it's bulletproof. It's a bulletproof case. Bulletproof. It's so great. Yeah. You know, I think the problem with the Confederate flag and even some of the figures in the Civil War, they get connected in a lot of people's mind to Southern pride.

Yeah. Like where they're from, like Southern pride. Yeah. Leonard Skinner, you know, that kind of shit. I mean, like Leonard Skinner always had that fucking Confederate flag in their shirts, man. I know. I mean, it wasn't just a racist symbol of white supremacy, but it is a racist symbol of white supremacy.

It's both, unfortunately. Right. And you got to kind of give that up and have pride. You can still have pride in the South. You can still be a kick-ass Southerner who loves the South for all the good reasons. You know what they need to do? They need to come up with a new flag. Like, there's nothing wrong with the South having a flag.

Yeah. As long as the South recognizes it's part of America. Just something that replaces the Confederate flag but includes everybody. Something that's not connected to a movement to try to keep slavery. That was one comment he made too. This was a flawed movement. This wasn't fighting for America.

This was fighting to tear apart America. And we need new symbols. A perfect example is the flag of Texas with the star. Yeah, badass. That's like, Texas might as well be its own country, right? And that flag, like, that means

something. Yeah. You know, it's not about right supremacy. It's not about Texas is a badass place. That's a badass flag. You have to have a mentality to live here and it's inclusive mentality if you're a texan you're a texan it doesn't matter if you're black or white yeah i know they really gotta let that go man the coming and you know what made me think that the i was

always kind of back and forth on the redskins and the indians and uh no why pride is the thing it's just like what because you and your grandfather used to tailgate? I've been supporting the Warriors for 72 years. Oh, see me through that first football. We used to go watch those games together, me and my grandfather. Redskin pride. You're telling me we can't be the Redskins anymore because of a few liberal pussies? My friend made a great point.

He said, just, it's a business, man. You would just say, if you own the Redskins, alright, we're changing it. All that old merch people are going to be paying through the ass to get. Then you have this new logo. Everyone's going to be buying the new stuff. It's going to be a windfall just from the merch. Yeah. Just, I mean,

if you're not thinking about the social issues, think of it as just a dollar issue and go for it. People don't want to give up ground. I know. It doesn't make sense because they're worried that crazy liberals are going to come in and nerf everything. It's not liberal. It's just being nice, right?

Oh, I know in this case it is, but it's one of the things that people worry about. Yeah. They worry about giving up ground because people are so ridiculous today. They give up a little ground. They'll go fucking crazy. No more Taco Tuesdays. Cultural appropriation. You can't serve sushi if you're white.

I know. People just start getting really wacky when it comes to giving up ground. It doesn't feel like it's running out of steam a little bit. It feels like it's becoming more and more preposterous. Being a social justice warrior is a really ridiculous thing at this point. It really feels like it's become so absurd. Yeah. And from that, I think there's a correction that's been

made I think there are people like taking more things into consideration about other people and now we didn't really think about oh yeah for sure those families or that with that group or whatever but yeah good has been done yeah I mean but that's how it always is the tide goes out the tide goes in you can't explain it yeah no right bill o'reilly yep no you don't remember that no no that was one of the worst arguments he ever had on his show he was talking about how he's putting his chips on jesus because you can't explain why the tide goes in the tie goes out he's talking to some guy who's an atheist who was he talking to dawkins no

it wasn't dawkins david silverman okay it was so dumb. It was such a dumb argument. And he said, no, you can't explain it, but you can't explain it. Of course you can. But here you hear it. It's so stupid. You don't think that's a scam? No, I don't. You look at a statue of a man that was built by a man. I'll tell you why it's not a scam, in my opinion.

All right? Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that. You can explain why the tide goes in. Tide goes in, tide goes out. See, the water of the tide comes in and it goes out, Mr. Silverman. Maybe it's four on top of Mount Olympus who's making the tides go in.

No, no, but you can't explain that. That's great. Fucking idiot. The look in his eye is like, yeah, I can explain that. Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? That's terrible. There's a moon. There's gravity.

Right. Causes the way. Come on, man. That's terrible. You can time the tide, you fuck. Yeah. They know exactly. There's gravity. Right. It causes the way. Come on, man. It's terrible. You can time the tide, you fuck. Yeah. They know exactly when it's coming. It's such a bummer.

Being smart sometimes is a bummer. It takes away all your. He's not dumb. I think he's deceptive. I think Bill O'Reilly's just crazy. Yeah. It's amazing that he got kicked out of Fox. It's amazing.

They're kicking everybody out. Hannity seems to be holding on. Maybe he's like one of the only ones that didn't participate in the orgies. Yeah, you don't have enough dirt on him. They're selling a crazy fuck party over there. All they're doing is trying to get laid. Bill O'Reilly's beating off on the phone. I read some article about it.

He'd call women up and he'd be beating off and he's talking to them. Remember when the transcript came out? He was like, I want to be the loofah on your body. Yeah, you're so fucked up. So gross. Jesus. in the workplace boy yeah so disgusting but what but odd right yeah you know i know that that whole place was running like there it was like the cosby thing it's like once the one came out it was just rapid

fire yep well when you have a guy who's got that kind of power and is that, you know, it's just so weird. Yeah, they get bored. Again, the weird sexuality thing, right? It's like it manifests itself in this guy in this way. And it's abusing these women. Those fucking shows, too. And it's abusing these women. Those fucking shows, too.

Like, all these shows, like, when we really think back, like, we look back at 2017 from the future, and we look at the state of the media today. Yeah. And how, like, one side, whether it's Fox News or whether it's CNN, will be so heavily leaned in one direction or the other, so obviously editorializing what's going on in the news and their opinions of the news. Well, it's all just entertainment at this point. It's so gross. I mean, you know, when that horrible thing happened in Manchester at the concert, it's like, okay, that act is heinous and what happened that night to those people is heinous.

But then who does all of the other work of scaring the daylights out of the rest of the world? CNN. Running it nonstop for 48 hours this grainy footage of young girls screaming and crying so much more powerful than what that schmuck did blowing up those people in that place they're they're just as negative a force for the public than the terrorists but they don't care they're just trying negative a force for the public than the terrorists. But they don't care. They're just trying to get attention.

They just want you. If it bleeds, it leads. That's right. This is a big story. Horrible. And they know that people, but what is their responsibility? Isn't their responsibility to report on the news? Because that's a news story.

That's a giant, crazy, tragic event. Sure. They would be remiss if they didn't report on it, right? You can report on it but you don't have to have me walking with my daughter through an airport and having it blaring out of every television set the girl's screaming you could have grown up sitting there and analyzing it without sensationalizing it but it's entertainment it's this big balls out entertainment network it's heinous i think that's a real good argument that

when people are watching involuntarily like at them at the airport escape it yeah I cannot escape it I was trying I was working on this book I was at the end of this book at a deadline I'm just head down not trying to follow anything but I was traveling at the same time wolf blitzer is popping out in bars in restaurants at the gate Wetzel's pretzels more breaking news Trump did this now? That you can't escape it so much pressure There's no responsibility about these like you know be an old man be an old what happened to like the news reporters being like a shitty guy

That just can't deliver the news like it's the grandfather to the news reporters being like a shitty guy that just delivered the news as the grandfather? My Walter Cronkite with the news. They're running ads now on CNN of them like Wolf Blitzer and another couple of them walking through the hall. It's like those ESPN ads. Oh, yeah. ESPN would be walking through the offices of ESPN making jokes with a mascot. walking through the net through the offices of espn making jokes with a mascot that's what wolf blitzer and kamau bell and all these people are doing on cnn what are they doing i don't mean they're walking through and they're like hey look there's anderson cooper what's he doing in the office and it's a comedy bit yes these are the people that are supposed to be delivering the

hard news to help you rationalize and make sense of the world. Hey, look at him. He's in there. What's Anderson doing in there? And a punchline. Well, you know what really disturbs me when they do that podcast thing where Anderson Cooper does that 360 where he's sitting at the desk and he'll have four people to his right, four people to his left. Twenty people. There's nine people the last time I saw it.

Nine people. Yeah, yelling at each other. Him and eight people and everyone's talking over each other. Right. And some people never get a word in edge other. Him and eight people, and everyone's talking over each other. Right. And some people never get a word in edgewise, and people are just jumping in, and it's just, ugh. It's the worst. It's all entertainment.

Yeah, but it's also editorialized, too. It's like, how can a person just relay to you the information as unbiased as they possibly can? I know. Is that possible today? Is anybody doing it? The closest, PBS is as close as I can find it. Yes, it's kind of just factual.

They just put it out. Whenever they have Shields and Brooks on, it's a... It's not Brooks and Dunn? It's not Shields and Yarnell. And they're just two guys who would never be on any other network because they're funny looking.

And they have the conservative view and the liberal view. But it's very matter-of-fact and factual and not sensational, not shitty to each other. It's as evenly balanced, calm as I can find as PBS NewsHour. Who was Sean Hannity arguing with when he was telling Sean Hannity that he's bad for America. Was it Ted Koppel? Ted Koppel.

It was Ted Koppel. Yeah. Told me he was bad for America. And, you know, and Sean Hannity saying something along the lines of, don't you think America's smart enough to make up their own mind, which is just so ridiculous. Well, so candy ass of him is that he backs out of it and says, well, I'm not a journalist. I'm a talk show host. Let me hear this.

You think we're bad for America? You think I'm bad for America? Yeah. You do. In the long haul, I think you and all these opinion shows... That's sad, Ted. No, you know why? That's sad.

Because you're very good at what you do, and because you have attracted a significantly more influential... You are selling the American people short. Let me finish the sentence before you do that. With all due respect. You, yes, you have attracted people who are determined that ideology is more important than facts. Ooh.

That's what you need. Those old dudes should be running the whole show. Ooh, he tells Bill O'Reilly he ruined journalism too? Ted Koppel's on a goddamn rampage. And he's so measured. Put away the lufa sponge, bitch. I got something to say. I've interviewed him a number of times. Not an easy interview. How would you do it?

You know something, Bill? You and I have talked about this general subject many times over the years. It's irrelevant how I would do it. And you know who made it irrelevant? You did. You have changed the television landscape over the past 20 years. You took it from being objective and dull to being subjective and entertaining.

And in this current climate, it doesn't matter what the interviewer asks him. Mr. Trump is going to say whatever he wants to say, as outrageous as it may be. OK, but, you know, your old network, ABC, does interview Mr. Trump on a regular basis. And, you know, our job, whether I'm a commentator or a reporter, is to get as much information, number one, and to show the viewer who the person really is so again I'll go back to he's sitting on nightline you're opposed right opposite him how do you do it well the first way you do it is not in the interview you do it by some reporting it's it's an old-fashioned concept that

I think demonstrating who and what Mr. Trump is and what his various policies really amount to is something you don't do in an interview. He doesn't answer the questions. You pointed out it's a whole different ballgame on cable TV. Commentators like me have just ruined the country. I cop to that. It's true. Right.

I've ruined everything. It's true. It's entertainment. Like, just give us the news. But there's so much money in it. But I mean, why do they have to? Here's the question. Why can't they just put on an entertaining show that makes money?

Like, whose responsibility is it to relay the news to the people? Is it Fox News' responsibility? I mean, don't they have some sort of an out that they're an entertainment program? Yeah, but they're not. But are they? What are they? They're a news channel. It's Fox News.

It's called Fox News. I understand. But let's say you decide to call a show the Tom Papa News, and you start talking about the news. Like, do you have a very specific need to, like, if we know you as an entertainer and Bill O'Reilly was always an entertainer he was a entertainment news reporter on hardcopy before he was ever on on this right so we know he's that guy would you have a response like who has a responsibility to tell the news in an objective sense like if you can editorialize you can write things out and you can decide

which stories should get the most coverage. Like during the campaign, CNN was all about the sexual harassment cases against Trump, and then Fox News was all about Hillary and her email scandal. They just decided, one side was going to go... Who's to say what you can and can't do when it comes to that? We don't really have a hard, fast rule when it comes to television journalism i mean we think new york times we think you know in certain newspapers that have a great you know we have respect for them right they have a certain amount of fact checking yeah and reliability or responsibility

rather you can reliably assess that this is going to be the news right to a certain extent yeah i think it's you know it's once you start a 24-hour news station it's a beast that's got to be fed and how do you keep those people attracted but is it even really a 24-hour news station i mean think about what cnn is they have w kamau bell show right they have anthony bourdain show they used to have that tim ferriss show they've got a bunch of shows that have have the Morgan Sparrowlock show. Right. Nothing to do with news. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, other than, you know, you haven't seen the show before. Right. Hey, this is new. Look, they might be talking about some information you might not have heard before, but it's not like a breaking news show. Yeah, but I think that, I mean, what does CNN stand for? Cable News Network.

Yeah. And Fox News. I think once people, once you know that people are looking to you as the news, there should be some responsibility. I think that there's somebody, some grown-up has to be, you know, in control of that. But, you know their ratings are down. And what are you going to do about it, Jeff Zucker? Maybe it's going to be like when WWF, how to change your name to WWE. Yeah.

So there'll be C-N-E. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, if you put an old man news station on. Yeah. Right. And we'd be like, okay, finally, this is like measured and good and all sides. And this is America first before party.

You probably do dog shit ratings. You know what I mean? This doesn't have all the other people going crazy on it. Yeah. You know, it's just just you just hope that uh they'll kind of muddle through it and end up they just want grown-ups in charge yeah what's the dude the cnn the dude the gq guy that's in his basement again it's uh the resistance keith oberman somebody's gotta somebody's gotta put that dude on tv again

Somebody's gotta Somebody's gotta put that dude on TV again Comedy Central Just let him write his own shit I saw like a clip of him It really looks like he's He's on a cable news network somewhere He doesn't have a makeup person anymore He's just at a fake desk

And these incredibly verbose speeches I know Insulting Trump over and over again Saying it's a coup And we sold out To the Russians And this is an invasion Make no mistake about it We are the resistance

Oh god It's super intense Yeah I know But it's got that weird Cable access feel to it It really does He's He used to be like

With all these people around Now he's down to Printing his own pages Coalating his own scripts Yeah Somebody Somebody tweeted about it the other day Yeah About what a fucking nut he is

Oh really? And I didn't You know I hadn't been paying attention lately He's hard to find Well he's not I mean he's out there on the GQ page Yeah

I don't know what they're doing Are there texts coming in? Yeah my You know my dog is Is in the emergency room What did they say? Is it a snake bite? Bella can come home Between 4.30 and 6.

Oh, that's good. She knows that we're on the air, so she doesn't want to disturb, but I want to find out what it was. Yeah. I hope it wasn't a snake bite. Snake venom is expensive. It's the snake antidote. Very expensive. So if you're on the trail like I was and the snake bit you in the leg.

Ooh, I don't know. Big bite in your thigh. We should find that out. What do you do? That's a good question. Because that could happen to us. That's one of the things we really should know. Dude, I ran over a snake once.

I was running with my dogs. You like killing snakes. No, this one I didn't run over like hit. This one I just saw in the road. I was running and I jumped over this stick. And as I was jumping over the stick, I realized it was a rattlesnake. Really?

A big one. Stretched out. Flattened out on the road. On the trail. Completely flattened out. And it was, you know, the length of my arms. Yeah. It was a big-ass fucking snake. Thick snake. Thick, like my wrist, around. It was a fucking thick old snake. So that's a lot of venom that would come out of that head. I guess. I've heard of,

I don't know if it's a myth or not, but I heard that the young ones are actually more dangerous because they unload all their venom, whereas the older ones just give you a little zap. The old ones are like, dude, relax. They're smart. Keep the snake bite victim calm, keeping them still and quiet. Restrict

movement and keep the affected area at or below heart level to reduce the flow of venom. Remove any rings or constricting items and clothing as the affected area may swell. Allow the bite to bleed freely for 15 to 30 seconds before cleansing. Create a loose splint to help restrict the movement of the area. Contact medical help as soon as possible. See below. Evacuate the victim immediately by hiking to a car a helicopter or medical staff monitor the person's vital signs temperature pulse rate of breathing and blood pressure if possible but does it say you do so so number six evacuate the victim immediately by hiking to a car mmm so

does that mean that the person has been bit can hold on a second would it do not waste time hunting for the snake and do not risk another bite if it's not easy to kill the snake while they're trying to tell you to kill it after it has been killed a snake can still bite for up to an hour so be careful by transporting it holy that's that's scary that's kind of they're kind of like saying look i know you're going to kill this snake yes i looked it up for a hiking because uh if you want to do it when you're in a house it's giving you other information right it's like specific for a hike yeah it still doesn't say if you should move or not definitely says you're supposed to stay still but if you

have to walk a mile to your house yeah uphill yeah you gotta go I guess the splint is a loose splint to help restrict Google what do you do if you get bit by a snake and you're hiking alone it's a lot of words yeah yeah my dog is uh we have no information the doctor will tell us when we get there interesting it's need to know basis what is that i have to show your papers first that's the worst my last cat that died it was like we don't know we're gonna have to run a test okay fine run the test it's gonna be fifteen hundred dollars okay run it fifteen hundred dollars okay that didn't come it's inconclusive we're gonna have to run another test well why well if you want to try and save it

we're gonna be up to three grand all right run the test and then all right now we're three grand in the hole we we didn't find out. There's no way to cure it. They put the cat down. And then they say, do you want us to do an autopsy? Well, for sure. Why? Can you do one on the moon? For another two, great.

It says, my snake questions on Reddit. Okay, no first aid is much better than performing bad for... Oh, no first aid is much better than performing bad first aid. Don't cut at or around the site of the bite. Don't compress the bitten limb with a cord or a tight bandage. Don't attempt to extract or neutralize venom using electricity, fire,

permagrant... Pomegranate? No, it says permagranate. Permangranate. Salt. What is that? It Permangranate? Salt. What is that? It's like an orange with seeds. Salt, black stones, mouths, mud, leaves, et cetera. All snake bite kits are dangerous and should not be used.

Wow. This was also confirmed by the snake bite poison line. A lot of snake bite patients injure themselves by panicking directly after a snake bite by tripping overpping over a rock or a tree trunk, or by falling off the cliffside of the trail. Staying calm is important. After a snakebite, walk about 20 to 30 feet away from the snake. Find a safe place to sit down ASAP. The venom can rapidly diffuse into your system. This can drop your blood pressure too low to pump all the way to your head while standing. Whoa.

Sitting down reduces your chances of fainting within the first few minutes. If you faint, it shouldn't be for more than a few minutes. Remove any rings, watches, or tight clothing. You're going to swell up. Anything else from the bitten limb because the swelling will make it a lot bigger soon. Take five minutes to calm down and plan your evacuation. The only effective treatment for a snake bite e-venomation is the right anti-venom to neutralize it.

Do not wait for symptoms to appear. If bitten, it's important to get in touch with emergency personnel as soon as possible to get you to a hospital. If you have a cell phone and service, great. Call 911 or the park ranger if there's no service. Think about the last time you had phone service. Cell phones, man. We didn't have a cell phone and service, great. Call 911 or the park ranger. If there's no service, think about the last time you had phone service. Cell phones, man. We didn't have a cell phone. That was the other thing.

I was like, no, we're going to disconnect. Look at this. You're supposed to circle the location of the snake bite and write down the time next to it. So when they find you dead? Yeah. Draw a circle around the border of the swelling and write down the time. Write down all the things you're experiencing that are not normal. So now we have pens on us?

Yeah, we have markers. Examples are metallic taste in your mouth, changes to your sense of smell, sudden loss of vision, double vision, visual disturbances, ringing in the ears, headache, nausea, and vomiting, bleeding from anywhere, dizziness, shortness of breath, et cetera. Yeah, we know it's bad. That's not good. Oh, down there, make contact via cell phone. If this is not possible, walk slowly to get help.

That's the key. Drink some water and take some calories if you have any. Hmm. Some snake bite victims walk several miles after serious snake bites to their legs. Oh, okay. Okay, they make it out fine. So I should have hiked out. They make it out to medical care.

Yeah, you hike out. So hike out. Don't be a pussy. Man the fuck up. You kill that cunt of a snake, that evil serpent. Look at that serpent. How did you kill it? You just stomped on it?

Stomped on his head. His head? Yeah. That's where the bitey part comes from. If you're faster than the bitey part, stomp him. I got a good sidekick. You were not wearing flip-flops. No.

No, I was wearing, I think I was wearing trail sneakers. Oh, right. Those got a little something to them. A little grip. It was a dumb move. You shouldn't do it. I wouldn't recommend it.

I would probably never do it again, but in the moment, it was the thing to do. I like that you just thought, I have a shot here. I'm going to take it. It was predatory instincts. I was like, this motherfucker's sleeping on me. He shot here. I'm going to take it. It was predatory instincts. I was like, this motherfucker's sleeping on me.

He does not think I'm going to stomp him. I have to stomp him. This is good Memorial weekend stuff. Things to bring on your trail. A phone and a Sharpie. Well, I always have that with me in case people want autographs. It's a good move. I'm thinking about getting some snake boots.

Jamie, pull up snake boots because I'm looking at some snake boots. If they're thigh high, I'm walking out. I will stomp the fuck out of every snake I see if I get some thigh high Wonder Woman style. Hey, Tom, you want to come stomping this weekend? We're going snake stomping. There we go. Snake boots. Wow.

What if it gets you right above that and you feel like such a fucking idiot because you're walking on this? Yeah, these go about like up to your knee. What are those cowboy boot looking ones with the red? Are those like Kevlar on the side of them? Click on that, bitch. Chippewa. Chippewa boots. Those are...

I can see you in that with a big red hat. Give yourself a girl on FarmersOnly.com. You don't have to be lonely at FarmersOnly.com. You don't have to be lonely at farmersonly.com. I don't know what to do if I get bit by a snake. I want a gal who knows how to catch a bass. This 17-inch boot has a brown leather foot and cordura top to allow for breathing. There's also a Goodyear leather welt. What's a welt?

The bottom, I guess? Cushioned insoles and leather line don't get caught by a snake without a pair. The leader in snake-proof boot business. Oh, jeez. Become the standard of quality and durability that will support the hunter in reptile-infested areas. Merry Christmas, honey. I got you something. At Farmers Only.

I guess most of the time they probably just bite straight ahead, right? These things probably work. Yeah. Look at that one. Where do these people live that they need these? Freaky bitch. She's got over the knee snake-proof boots. She's got snake-proof stilettos that look like a snake.

That's just vicious. Are you looking for a blowjob in a bass boat? Farmer's Only Taco. You don't have to be lonely. Like, could you imagine if you were wearing those stupid looking boots and that fucking snake

lunged forward and you saw the teeth. You're like, this cunt is going to get me right above the boot. And bam, he locks onto your kneecap and fills it up

with hot venom. You have to look in his fucking reptilian ancient eyes. His heartless, soulless eyes as he pumps his toxin into your fucking bloodstream. And you're still wearing those stupid boots. You looking for a handjob in a motorboat?

You don't have to be lonely. Yeah. How much sex has ever happened in those boats in Florida with the fans? Giant fans look at that look at that. It's biting you biting you those are cool But where where are these people hiking all the time that they couldn't so many rattlers dude up here You go up in the hills right above the studio man. There's fucking snakes all over the place the point of wearing these boots If you're a guy who has to do it all

the time if you're a person that's up there all the time i would recommend them like okay let's find out where do most people get bitten by snakes what part of the body do most people get bit part of the body yeah i thought you're fucking city no i was gonna say st. Louis. Yeah, I bet it's the calf. Like the calf area, shin, calf area. It makes sense, right? You looking for a handjob in a haystack? It's greater than 90% happen on a leg. On a leg, yeah.

They're low. They're ground creatures. They're not flying around. What if you have good Muay Thai and you have good leg checks and you get those knees up high? You see a thing coming, you check it. Yeah. I bet none of those guys have gotten hit by a snake. I bet none of them.

They're fast. Snake, they're not that quick. They're springy. The problem is if you startle them. Yeah. That's where it's really fucked up, if you startle them. Yeah. That's what I did.

The thing about a snake is that they have to come up in order to get you. So if a snake is flat like that, like the snake that I saw, he was flat. And I was like, oh, you're dead. You're not going to be able to get up quick enough. Mine was coiled. This is what they call a strike height, and they can make it above some other boots. So some people are asking about if they can get Kevlar jeans so that they don't go through their jeans that's a good move so they don't really you you don't have to wear snake proof underpants i want a snake proof condom

maybe the steel jeans that michael malice was talking about i doubt it does it probably help guide the the venom right into your fucking leg. Act as like a little slide. You want to do it doggy style at a blue collar concert? At a state fair? How about a state fair? State fairs are odd, man. They're really weird. If you see a band at a state fair, even if there's a lot of people at the state fair,

the caveat is always that it's a state fair. Exactly. At the state fair. Yeah. Go see Ted Nugent at the State Fair, the caveat is always that it's a State Fair. Yeah. Exactly. At the State Fair. Yeah. I go to see Ted Nugent at the State Fair. Probably packed. Yeah. Uncle Ted's here.

Woo! You know? I once got an offer when I was first starting as a comic to do, the offer was you would drive a van with all the stuff for the stage in it to the state fair, help the crew build the stage, load everything onto the stage and stuff. And then you drive at the end of the show. You do a little comedy, host a little, and then you break down the stage, load it up, then you drive to the next city. And the routing was like, starts in Buffalo, next night Phoenix, next night Charlotte, North Carolina, then Rochester, then back to Tucson, Arizona. I was like, I said to my girlfriend at the time, who's now my wife, we should just get

on the motorcycle and just drive all these places without the state fair shows. Yeah. And that's what we did. Yeah. And then they pay you. But not much, right? That was terrible. So we ended up, that's what we did.

We took the motorcycle and went for five weeks to the mall around the U.S. On a motorcycle? Yeah. That's a pretty gangster move, man. It was gangster. We'd only been dating for like six months. Ooh, that's a show of gal you care.

Yeah. That's a good show of gal you care move. You're really invested. Go out tripper there? Got back from that. We were like, all right, I guess we'll get married because that went well. That's a good show of Gallia Care move. You're really invested. Go out and trip with her? Got back from that. We were like, all right, I guess we'll get married because that went well. That's Bill Murray's advice. Bill Murray says if you're thinking about marrying someone, travel the world with them.

Yeah. You'll be hot and miserable. You'll find out what they're really all about. Absolutely. I've lost some friends who we went on vacations with. Really? Yeah. They fall apart on you?

Yeah, they get shitty. They can't go with the flow. They get all pissy because the car didn't show up or you missed the train. You know, it's a little stressful when you travel. Yeah, that is a problem with some people, right? Yeah. They just don't know how to keep it together when things aren't going the best. They're pissy.

Yeah. That Hannity move when he's like, really, Ted? Really? Oh, that's sad. That guy. You don't want to travel with that guy. He's a silly boy. You just get pissy.

That kind of like the kid who's been picked on kind of thing. But you know what the problem with those guys is? There's many problems. But one of the big problems is they're always in combat. They're always fighting. They're always forcing their opinions. They're always pushing their opinions with a lot of energy and emphasis. And they're always resisting anything that is contrary to their opinions,

never considering them, never going over it, like, really objectively. It's always this, which is natural. That natural knee-jerk reaction that all of us are subjected to. Yeah. We're all subject to that kind of unfortunate defense of our ideas,

our initial idea. There's a book, I do not know the name, I'll find out and post it, but that my friend read and he's a conservative. And it's basically about that. It's how to take, hear something, recognize what your initial knee jerk reaction is because of where you stand and what you believe.

Yeah. And evaluate it. And give yourself a beat to say, wait, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. And try and work your way around the argument. And he really believes in this book. It's like we're so all naturally set for these trigger words. Like you hear Hannity or you hear Trump or you hear Hillary or you hear

Clintons and everybody has their preconceived beliefs. So you just back up whatever those stories are. Yeah. And this book is about breaking that down and trying to be more open and more logical. I've definitely tried to work on that a lot during my time that I've been doing the podcast. I've gotten way better at it.

I'm definitely not the best at it. Yeah. But it's something I'm way better at now than I was when I first started doing the podcast. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because you realize how much it gets in the way of a good conversation. Right. It gets in the way of understanding how other people think. Yeah.

And sometimes you have to dig your heels in and defend your position because you think the other person is being illogical. And that's know, sometimes you have to dig your heels in and defend your position because you think the other person's being illogical. Yeah. And that's okay, too. But I think it's also important to look at what someone else is saying and try to make, see if it makes any sense at all. And it might not. Yeah. But give it a chance. But give it a chance.

Give it a chance. Yeah. No, that's great. I try to just, like, look at someone from someone else's point of view. I try to go, okay, so where, explain, like, where are you coming from? I try to do it with no judgment. I to just like really get into that so when you when you do take opinions and you do analyze it and come down and say you know x is wrong i believe x is wrong do you um read your twitter feed do you like because it seems like any time you're in something public and you side any way, you know, one issue and you go this way or that way, you're getting attacked. Do you have that? You would definitely have that. Yeah, I've got that.

And do you take it to heart or you're just know, I definitely know I've fucked up before. Sure. And when I have fucked up before, I've read things that people said that it didn't feel good to read it, but I knew that they were probably right. Right. And so you just, you know, when you're doing a live show and you're just kind of freeballing the whole time. Yeah, and it's comedy.

And it's comedy the whole time. And sometimes it's comedy. And sometimes it's just, sometimes it gets heated. Sometimes there's booze involved. Right. Yeah. There's a lot of those. And sometimes it's comedy and sometimes it's just, sometimes it gets heated and sometimes there's booze involved. Right. Yeah. There's a lot of those.

But, you know, I mean, it's just, are you trying to get better all the time? Trying to do it better. Right. And if you are, this is just a part of the process. Right. And there's value in feedback. Yeah. But there's also, you have to understand like how many people with, you know, how many people are just trolling you?

How many people don't like you for whatever reason? How many people just, you go, I've gone on people's pages, they'll say something insulting and you go to their page and it's just them insulting everybody. Right. Everybody they can. I know. There's some people that choose to do that with their time and hey, this is America. You're allowed to do that. Yeah. But I think overall, the more time goes on, the less I spend looking at any of that shit yeah the better off i am so i'm less likely to look at that shit now than i ever have before yeah it's just uh yeah because like like you say like you some of it you want to see and it is good feedback and like you know there is a good rapport like with you know and then other people are just like they make it almost

impossible to find the good ones because it's just because you said one word. And look, we're comedians. We're just curious people. We're always trying to figure stuff out. We're very similar in that we're not down on any one side, any one team. We're really trying to figure out life and trying to figure things out. So you're allowed to try and be like, I don't think this is right or I don't think that's right. But the teams, right but the teams

people from the teams just pounce well you can't think that way well I'm trying to figure it out I don't know if this is an oil grab I don't know if this is but don't you think that's also what makes social media and interaction with people so interesting is that people can

throw their opinion into the ring throw their hat into the ring as it were. You know, like they read something that you say or they heard something that you said in a clip and then they argue with you about it. If it's a smart argument. Yeah. Not just a knee jerk, you know,

I hope you die because you said that. You know what I mean? You'd love to, you know, I mean, that's some of the best conversations you can have are when you don't agree with somebody and you're just kind of like going back. And it can get heated, but it's not insulting. That's the big key.

And it's also when you explore why you believe something and I believe something different and you go back and forth over it. If you do do it respectful and you do get to understand where that person's coming from, like sometimes it makes it even more obvious to everybody listening and to you that they're wrong. Right. Or that you're wrong.

Right. Like whatever the fucking honest answer is, it gets sort of illuminated. And it doesn't get illuminated when you get locked up in this battle. Right. There's people that will form sides like, but if you can get to the objective, okay, what makes you believe that that is true? Right. And then they tell you, and you go, well, that is actually not true. Let's find the facts.

Or I didn't know that. Right. Now I'm looking at my initial position differently. And don't be married to that initial position because it's just an opinion. But opinions to us are almost like markers of our self-esteem. If you can't defend that position, then you fucked up initially and you're flawed. So people dig in and they try to defend that position

even when they know it logically, it doesn't make sense. It's like they get married to it. And even if you're with somebody and you're engaged and you're having this real back and forth about something and you both are dealing with the facts, but you still have your opinion that, no, I'm still siding with this way and I'm siding with that way, you can still respect each other. It's when you go, when it becomes this personal insult is where you lose it. Right? I mean, I know people in my family, people that I work with, whatever, who have total different views, vote differently, act differently, do whatever.

But I love them. They're just great people. And you shouldn't have to dissolve relationships because of a political point of view about a certain issue. That's what's so great. My whole family was like, my grandfather was hard right my uncle was hard left and they would argue and fight but they loved each other and everybody kind of got along and just ate their potatoes after the argument some people can't do that right some people if you don't agree with them you can't hang out with them yeah about everything yeah about and then

some people will have like these crazy arguments where you just you can't be right or wrong you don't know what you're talking about and And you're still like climate change. How many people have you talked to that would just go hard one way or the other on climate change? And then when you start talking to them about it, like you actually ask them, what makes you think that climate change is just a cycle and that human beings are not involved in it? Well, it's been shown that it's been, a lot of the data has been hoaxed and a lot of the, and then if you just go deeper, deeper, deeper down the rabbit hole, you find out they haven't looked into it that much. Very few people arguing pro or against man-made climate change have really looked into it. Most people are just sort of taking the consensus view that they hear from scientists or from pundits or from people in the news.

And if you're on the left, you're most likely thinking that we're in deep trouble. And if you're on the right, you're more likely to dismiss it. Yeah. I mean, that's why back to why we need grownups to like control some of the news and give you facts so you can kind of decide stuff. It's because you don't have the time to research climate change on your own. You've got kids, you've got a dog that's got a, wants you to whack off with your foot. There's a lot going on in your life. So you depend on others who are invested in giving you the right information. So what do you do? Do you tell them that they have to just say, like, okay, if you're going to call something in news,

should we have, like, a thing where you have to, like, meet a standard of ingredients? Like, we looked at your ingredients, and you have trans fats in your news, and you have all this other bullshit. You can't sell this as food. This is not news. You can't make this food. It should be. Yeah, it should be.

Because for Hannity to say I'm a talk show host, that's fine. More power to you. But then there should be a thing, a little logo up in the corner that says opinion show, like a little O. And then there should be an N on the top of the whatever show that's just giving you facts for the day.

Right. The problem really is calling it a news network and having opinion people on a news network. Right. But that's the same with Anderson Cooper when he's rolling his eyes at Kellyanne Conway. Yeah, the thing's like... That's the same shit.

It's the same stuff, right? It's the same shit. He's just doing it on the other side. And maybe he's correct that what she's saying is ridiculous, but he's clearly editorializing by doing that. Yes, it's all opinion shows. You know, and then you need somebody. Don Lemon. You need

Ted Koppel to just sit there with his little face and just give you the boring news and put an N on it. And when he goes on opinion shows, he lets them know. Yeah. I mean, he's letting these guys know, like, hey, you're ruining everything. Yeah. I don't have time to watch anything, frankly. Good for you.

But where do you get your news? Do you just read articles? I read, yeah. I mean, stuff pops up on my phone. You read the Times? I read the Times. I get the Times delivered every day. Look at you, like a real man.

Yeah. Do you have toast? Gentleman's toast? Yes, I do. The Gentleman's Breakfast. Gentleman's Breakfast, and you eat the- real man. Yeah. Do you have toast? Gentleman's toast? Yes, I do. The gentleman's breakfast. Gentleman's breakfast and you eat the- Van Gogh is this great-

Painter? This great- Painter? Has this great, had this great quote about what it takes to do good work and you have to have,

you have to have your, you smoke your pipe, have a fling once in a while, something like, and have a moment to yourself to have coffee to have your coffee by yourself and i really try and carve that out every day and it's not gonna make me van gogh but it just i really believe those things like to just sit with your coffee for a couple minutes and just in peace just have that those moments like even when you're talking about making your bread,

those moments make you more of a person. Those moments of thought and careful consideration of what you're doing, relaxation. You sitting there and eating the bread, just having a slice of toast and a coffee and just sit for 10 minutes before you embark on whatever madness you're going to do for the day. Those moments are important. It's one of the big rituals for back country hunters uh bringing coffee guys will you know weight is a very big thing right when you're back country hunting and hiking like when these guys go deep into the back country you know there are several miles deep into the woods yeah i used to do it all the time and they the a lot of guys

will bring like a little jet boil and packets of coffee, and they'll cook up some hot water, and they'll sit together, and they'll have a moment to be a person again. And sit down, let's have a cup of coffee. Interesting. And they'll use these little plastic cups, and they'll pour their coffee, and they're sitting there drinking on the side of the mountain, and then they feel like, oh, I got a moment of pleasure, a moment of relaxation. Important.

And there's other stuff they didn't put in the packs just so they could have that. Yes. Right? Well, they just carry that extra weight, especially the jet boil. Jet boil is probably like a pound or so. Important. And there's other stuff they didn't put in the packs just so they could have that. Yes. Right? Well, they just carry that extra weight. Especially the Jetboil. Jetboil's probably like a pound or so. Yeah. You know, you're carrying water anyway, so you just boil in that water and you pour in those. You know, they have those Starbucks

little Virtu, I think they're called. Yeah. Is that what it's called? What are those Starbucks little packets called? What is it called? The Verismo? Yeah. Is that what it's called? Verismo? Yeah, it's just like a little packet, like instant coffee. I thought the thing was think it was a virtue what is a virtue that's a something right it's like electronic or some shit um but yeah whatever those starbursts those those starburst those starbucks instance are really good yeah they are good yeah i mean it tastes like real

coffee i used to make it out how to do it now i used to be in my shitty new york apartment because yeah because i didn't have a good coffee maker. I was like, this will do me well. Dude, if you want to make coffee, if you're at home, all you need is a French press. That is the way to go. That's the way to go. It is the best. It's a little mucky cleanup. Yeah, I guess.

It's definitely not. But it's a few steps. But the oils from the coffee. If you're a person who enjoys the actual flavor of coffee. Me too. No milk, no nothing. Just give it to me. Man. Like a man you're a person who enjoys the actual flavor of coffee. Me too. No milk, no nothing. Just give it to me. Like a man.

Ugh. Like a man. That's how I drink it these days. It's the best. And I get way less complaints on the podcast about me clearing my throat. Oh, yeah? That was a problem before. Why?

Because you had stuff in the coffee? I drank the Bulletproof coffee with the butter and the MCT oil. And it was making you phlegmy? That butter coffee makes you super phlegmy. And I'd be like, ahem. What am I drinking here black coffee? Just black man coffee the best saber-tooth roast. It's really good goddamn savage. It's good No, there's those moments are really important in life. I really believe like those little quiet

Things that have been passed on like if things have been around for thousands of years and people have figured it out The cocktail hour the, the quiet moment before bed or in the morning when you're having your coffee. Those things are figured out for a reason. People have figured out this is the way to live. This is, you know. It really is. It really is the way to live. Yeah.

And if you can pull it off. And they're so small and they're so deep and they're so valuable. You know what I mean? It's not a giant trip to vegas it's not oh i've got to make a million dollars it's sitting with your pipe and a coffee that simple little thing is so much better for your soul than all this giant stuff that we end up chasing. Yeah. Small. Yeah. Um, I was, uh, interviewing, uh, Dr. Robert Sapolsky yesterday, a famous scientist. And one of the things I was doing is going over some of his work, listening to some of his previous, uh, interviews and reading some of his articles and stuff. And he had this thing about meditation. Oh yeah. And essentially one

of the things that he was saying about meditation is like it can be effective, but you have to do it all the time. Right. Like it's not something you can do once a week. Like meditation is something that should become a daily part of your routine, and then it'll help you mitigate stress. Does it take twice a day, or can you do it once a day? He didn't specify. You know, he was talking about all the different forms that it takes to.

There's a bunch of different kinds, and there's not necessarily one that works best. But I think that what you're doing when you're making your bread, I think that's a meditation. I really do. Yeah. In a way. In a way. It's not like when I really meditate and you sit for 20 minutes. Right.

You don't slow, like it slows your heart rate. Right. And you're not asleep. It actually calms you deeper than sleep. I used to, and i still do call martial arts moving meditation because martial arts make you think so much about the movements and about what you're doing so much intensity and so much danger involved in them that they make you have like very singular focus and then in that singular focus there's some sort of a cleansing that happens with your mind.

It's like by just going hard at these things, it relieves stress in a way. Completely. That uber focus on anything, right? When I had a motorcycle, and my father still does it, and it's his thing. I have comedy and other things to put my mind into but he still does it and i get it i mean when you're on that bike it's your survival where's your dad live he lives in new york city no uh upstate new york so is he in a place where you could ride a bike and not worry about yeah it's not like being left out yeah running you over while they're texting but he goes everywhere he goes like these trips like excuse excuse me, up all the way, mostly East Coast.

But he's done all of Europe. He's done all of the U.S. You ever wipe out? No. Never wiped out? Never wiped out. Wow. No.

That's incredible. Yeah. How'd you do that? You're the only guy I've ever heard of. Really? I don't know. I was uber safe as, you know, as I could be. You know, you're still dependent on other people but the only

only time i fell over was my wife and i pulled into a days in in like kansas and we'd done a lot of highway just straight you know hours just going and we pulled up to the days in and the routine was we'd pull in at the end of the day and she would go in to check into the hotel and i would take care of the bike and we pulled into a days in and she got she hopped off the bike and i just never took my feet off the pegs because i was so tired and i just like benny hill just slowly tipped over to the side did you get hurt now the the bar kind of caught it it just just feel like a schnub. That's pretty good. Yeah. As far as like all the accidents. No.

Yeah. No. I went with a couple of friends from Fear Factor. We were all taking it at the same time. Motorcycle safety course. Oh, yeah. And while I was doing it, two people I know got in car accidents on motorcycles. Really? Yeah.

And then one person I know saw a person get hit saw someone space out on their phone ran into some guy from behind said i'm flying through the air just just hit him yeah just bang it's terrible i know i i was lucky but once i came out here i had in new york city for a long time which was kind of manageable i would do like spots me and greg giraldo would go between clubs and it was night so it was kind of a. I would do like spots me and Greg Giraldo would go between clubs and it was night So it was kind of a little more mellow and it was alright But once I came out here like there's no way I just had kids and yeah My career was starting to go okay, and I'm like there's too much to lose

I mean this place is nuts with driving as it is and Everybody drives out here too as a right in New York. Those are professionals. That's right. Yeah, you're right You're right. You're right. It's not that they're better at it, but, you know. But, man, I was in San Francisco a couple weeks ago, and I went into a Ducati Triumph shop. Oh, God, it made me want to get back on. Oh, they're so beautiful.

I've never ridden a Ducati, but I've stayed in a bunch of them. Oh. And these are, like, the touring ones? Like, I wasn't even interested in the real crotch rocket. They've got these touring ones that are so beautiful. Badass. Ducatis have a cool sound to them too. They really do.

Very distinct. I do miss it for sure. Look at those fucking things. Yeah. The new Triumphs. They're made to look like the old Triumphs. Damn those look great i know looks like so much fun so much fun oh look at that fucking bike that's a ducati with the double tailpipes oh my god how could you not want to just leave everybody and just go it's probably so fun

and now apparently those things kind of have like self-balancing properties to them really gyros well they have like uh control, some of them do now. And there was one that Jamie showed that's some bike from the future that holds itself up. Was that a BMW? Is that who made it? Really? There's some new BMW bike that doesn't look like any bike you've ever seen before. It looks like some Total Tron shit.

Jeez. Some Space Age shit. And this bike is, I think it's right it's a concept right now go full screen so we could look at this shit yeah what BMW is doing um but if this happens Jamie was saying they were saying you don't need a helmet which is what they said oh really I mean I'm just repeating what they said so look at these declared you don't even need to wear clothes look at the goggles they have on she's got these goggles that are like virtual reality headsets.

Go back so you can see those goggles before she puts them on. Look at this. Look at this fucking bike, man. It's gorgeous. It looks like Tom Cruise in the- Yeah. Look, so she can see the speedometer and everything comes through your vision. Oh, wow.

Look at that. Look at that. This is crazy. It's got big fat Batman tires. That's gorgeous. Dude, look. It's got big, fat Batman tires. That's gorgeous. Dude, look. It's got a navigation system. It's showing on the goggles while she's riding around.

This is crazy. That's amazing. Is this coming soon? I don't know if it's ever coming, really. It might be bullshit. No way. All this stuff always comes out. But watch.

She stands off of it, and it stays up on its own. It's like a gyroscope. Oh, my God. Of course it's coming. But she doesn't have a helmet on. And stays up on its own. It's like a gyroscope. Oh my God. Of course it's coming. But she doesn't have a helmet on. And look how hot she is. She's so hot. She totally would be with me.

Do you think it makes you hotter? Makes you hotter when you're on a bike like that? Oh my God. I follow on Instagram. Look at that thing. It's a Batman bike. Motor A-list. It's just beautiful girls on these old vintage bikes.

It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen look at that like she doesn't even have to balance it it balances itself no cause she's so hot cause she's so hot

it's her pussy it's her pussy gyroscope it's got such a gravitational force that the whole thing like stays centered she's so hot you put a girl on a bike

it's hot hmm you know if you put a girl in a place where you don't expect you know she she goes up and right right girl on a golf course's hot hmm you know if you put a girl in a place where you don't expect you could you know she she goes up and right right right girl on a golf course girl at a boxing gym with her hair pulled back oh my god a girl on a crew with just a tool belt yeah girl on a golf course yeah

they they go up because it's always fat guys right do you think a girl on a golf course just looking for dick? Or do you think they actually like golf? Some can really play. I think you're really entertaining my question. Well, it takes all types, right? Real consideration. Probably all just looking for dick. All of them.

They can't possibly like it. It's like guys playing with dolls. Do you really like to play with dolls? Oh, come on. Yeah. No, if you're out there on the links playing, she can play. But I've seen some girls that couldn't play at all who were just flirting with guys at the driving range. What are you showing me here, Jamie?

Like the hottest, arguably, female golfer. She's got a million followers on Instagram. Of course she does. Female golfer, and she's showing her butt. Imagine if that was a male golfer standing like's got a million followers on Instagram. Of course she does. Female golfer and she's showing her butt. Imagine if that was a male golfer standing like that. Back up one. Okay, male golfer standing like that. Show's over, fella.

It's over, okay? Yeah. But she could do that. She can stick her butt at you. Yeah. Well, you got to work with what you got. Well, I'm sure she's got more than that, you son of a bitch. No, she's talented.

You're so sexist. I can't even believe you're my friend. What's going on here? She's a killer. She's got her tits hanging out, and she's wearing a little tiny skirt. You got to work with what you got. How come dudes don't dress like that when they hit balls? Seems weird.

Because we don't have those bodies. Our bodies are gross. If our bodies looked like that, if we were sleek and thin, we'd be okay. If we were sleek, thin, smooth, hairless. Smooth. Not offensive. No appendages dangling. Yeah, no disgusting.

Nothing gross. Gross. Yeah. Hairs coming everywhere. Yeah, everywhere. Ugh. I got hairs in my ears now. I have to shave them.

It's a new thing. As I get older, I get hairier. I got neck hair now. back of the neck hair. Yeah. Ear hair, nose hair. I'm covered. I'm like a bear. Except where we want it.

Yeah, exactly. I had a barber, an old Italian barber who shaved my ears when I was 15. Whoa. He took shaving stuff and put it on my ears and shaved them. Straight razor? Yeah. put like you took lotion i mean uh shaving stuff and put it on my ears and shave them straight razor and yeah and ever since then just weeds growing out of the back of my ears yeah it totally worked that way i think it just grew that way anyway no that's why he was shaving your ears at 15 most kids don't have to get their fucking ears shaved at 15 you're a goddamn little wolf boy like michael j fox in that movie, but it was soft little fluffy hair.

Now it's like cactus. I don't think it works that way, man. I don't think when you shave it, it doesn't grow back thicker. I think that's a myth. I don't think that's true. I think it definitely grows back thicker. Really? Yeah.

I don't think it does, man. I think this came up the other day. I don't know if it's on here or if I saw it, but yeah. It definitely grows back thicker. I'm pretty sure it's a myth. When my wife started shaving her mustache, now it's... Her pussy's a jungle.

But it's a war we will win. Every day, we hack away. I've got a trimmer that goes inside the ear and up the nose. I've got a thing I shave with my regular razor. As I'm shaving my face, I shave the back of my ears. I'm a hairy mess.

Sometimes when I'm driving in my car, I'll grab a finger full of nose hairs and I'll yank them out by the roots. Feels good. It's very satisfying when I look and I see a bunch of hairs that I pulled out of my nose. You got to get a trimmer. Yeah, I know I do, but sometimes I can grab them. I just like to grab them. My one part of my back is hairier than the other side fact or fiction if you shave or wax your hair will come back thicker

and it may look that way but looks can be deceiving I don't believe this science bullshit with the fucking Scientific America a bunch of liberal nonsense that is simply not so there are several reasons that the myth continues to flourish one is the limitation of human perception. People are just not very good observers, but there is no science, just no science behind hair growing back thicker, says Amy McMichael. First of all, it's a girl. Yeah, what does she know? Chair of the Department of Dermatology at Wake Forest Baptist Health.

We're just kidding, Amy. I'm sure you know a lot more than me. There's also the power of coincidence. Indeed, pervasive myths, if a young boy shaves his mustache, it will grow back thicker, are grounded in a kernel of truth. It might, but that's because the shaving may overlap

with the timing of natural hormonal fluctuations in his body that are developing his adult facial hair, not because of his hair removal. Body hair grows at different times and at different rates for everybody. Case closed, Papa. I had little fuzzies on my ears and now I have cactus barbs that hurt my wife in our sleep.

Whoa. It's, I'm a hairy mess. I had a birthmark on my left side of my back when I was young and it faded, but what's remained is hair. So my right side of my back when I was young. And it faded. But what's remained is hair. So my right side is not very hairy. It has some hair. But this side is just like a jungle.

A patch. Whoa. I used to have a song for it when I was in high school. What was it? Sammy on my back. Sammy on my back. What you doing there with all that hair? Sammy.

You got a name for it? It was Sammy? Yeah. Why did you call it Sammy? One of my friends named it wow sammy on my back some weird fucking photo album you they jerk off to what what you doing there with all that hair sammy and on that note ladies and gentlemen we just did another three hours we did yeah it's the best show ever. How the fuck does that happen? It's 4.30 already. Don Poppo. Do you, so when you're home enjoying my bread over Memorial Day weekend.

I smell it already. Will I be enjoying any gift from you? Elk. I have elk for you, sir. Yes. Yes. Yes. Mighty.

I have also, I have purchased a new-sized yoder pellet smoker, and I will be cooking from the new location. So next time we do Fight Companion, or maybe next time you and I do a podcast, we will sit down to a meal that I will cook before you ever get here. So we'll have a meal, and we'll put some some cameras on us and we'll talk some shit while we're eating a nice, delicious, wild game dinner. I will bring the wine and the cigars. Come on.

Dinner with Joe and Tom. Dinner for two. And you bring bread and we'll have some gentleman's butter. What is it? Gentleman's breakfast. Three cigars. Yes. Bottle of wine.

That's done. Done. We're going to do wine. That's done. Done. We're going to do that. We're done. It's a great idea. So I have this. It's a Yoder. Pull this up.

It's a Yoder 1500. I got one so I could cook for like six, seven people at a time. Perfect. Yeah. It's a big ass. Never heard of this. Well, I'm a big fan of these pellet smokers. What I like about these Yoders is, this is by the way not an endorsement.

I paid full price for this thing. Didn't ask for sponsorship. It's big. It's just a dope pellet smoker. Holy cow. It's made in America. What's pellet? What do you mean pellet? It works on pellets, meaning hardwood pellets. So what they do is they take

when a lumberyard cuts up maple or oak or some hardwood they take the pellets they take the they do is they take, you know, when a lumber yard cuts up like maple or oak or some hardwood, they take the pellets, they take rather the sawdust and they compress it and the natural sugars compress down into pellets and the pellets hold together. And they pour these pellets in a hopper and the hopper feeds into a worm drive that feeds to a heating element. Okay. So it keeps it at a very consistent temperature. Oh. How do you light it? Well, it lights itself.

Just a switch? Yeah. See it like that? That's great. That's what it looks like. Jamie, see if you can find like a- Oh, it's dope. I love these things.

And there's another company called Traeger that just came out with a really super high tech one that's thick and insulated like a Yeti cooler. It's like their best model yet. And you can control it with an app. And it has digital thermometers that are built into it so you can tell the temperature, your food. What's your signature dish off of this thing? Well, mostly I eat wild game because I try to shoot an elk a year, which is like 400 pounds of meat plus.

God. I give away a lot of it. Really? 400 pounds? But it's, yeah, 400 pounds of meat. But this year was a good year. Yeah. I shot two deer.

I shot a pig. I shot an elk. Jeez. So I shot a lot of animals this year. So I've got a lot of good food. Do you have a big fridge at the house? I have two commercial freezers in the back here. Okay.

And I have two more commercial freezers at home. Oh, wow. Yeah. But I gave away a lot of food to my friends. Yeah. I'm very proud. I gave food to Duncan Trussell. I gave elk to Gary Clark Jr.

Oh, yeah? One of the greatest guitarists of all time. Ate my meat. Yeah, that's great. It sounded wrong. You're a real groupie. Yeah, so Traeger has this new one. The Timberline, that's it. Thatberline that's it the Timberline is their

new one and this new one you could see like it has this crazy convection oven cycling of the smoke and the Traeger's got this really thick door my friend John Dudley has one of these and I think there's

some sort of a discount That you can get if you want to buy one I don't know I have a gas grill And you just don't get that Not the same This is no gas, this is just wood See the pellets, there's no chemicals in it

Oh so there's no gas line or anything No no no It's just electricity Heats up that heating element and there's a fan that blows air on the wood chips while they're getting cooked. And then it's just smoke, smoke and heat that cooks the food. Dude, I am sold. There's another company, a really good company called Green Mountain Grills. They actually gave me a grill back in the day. They were the first ones that I ever tried. Those are excellent, too.

And you can get a good one that's not even too expensive. Camp Chef has another really nice one, too. So I'm not trying to tell anybody to buy anything. But I'm saying if you're thinking about getting a grill, I would look into one of these pellet grills. Yeah, that's pretty badass. Well, they're super easy to use, too. You just pour the pellets into this hopper, and then you set the temperature. How often do you have to refresh the pellets into this hopper and then you set the temperature how often you

have to refresh the pellets dude they're so they're so economical like it doesn't they don't they last a long time because they keep the exact right temperature or real close to it within a few degrees up or down you uh like the hopper i fill it up like every four or five cooks and if that was like charcoal it would last for one cook right you know know, like you said, that's what it looks like. See those things? Oh, yeah. It looks like some sort of a brand cereal, right? Doesn't it?

Yeah, it looks like gerbil food. Yeah. So what it is is just hardwood sawdust, and they just smush it. And the natural sugars make it stick together because you could break it up with your fingers. Oh, you could? Yeah, you break it up easy. So you pour it into the hopper. It grinds down. See Oh, you could? Yeah, you break it up easy. So you pour it into the hopper. It grinds down.

See that worm drive below? And it feeds down to that thing on the right, which is like where the heating element is. And so it just catches fire, and then the flames make smoke, and then it fills up that chamber, and the heat comes from the smoke. So when you put an elk steak or something on there, can you cook it like in just a couple minutes or is everything just slow takes a long time so like the way I do? It now I've done it a bunch of different ways and all of them are delicious like elk is my favorite meat It's a delicious really healthy meat, but my favorite way to do it now because of this guy Chad whiskey bent barbecue on

Instagram was my friend John Dudley's buddy. He's a world champion pit master like one of those. Oh, yeah bad motherfucker Grill guys he says don't ever cook meat above 275 degrees He says when you're cooking it you should cook it slowly and don't allow the meat to dry out and use a meat thermometer So since I started doing that I've been very happy with the results right because I get it to 130 135 degrees somewhere around there then I pull it and 130, 135 degrees, somewhere around there. Then I pull it, and then I reverse sear it. The way I do it is on a frying pan.

I use butter in a frying pan with some garlic, and I sear that shit out of it on each side real quick, like 30 seconds, 40 seconds. So you bring it into the house? Yeah, bring it into the house. Then I get even crazier. Then I wrap it up with aluminum foil, and I put it in a a Yeti cooler and I seal it up for 15 minutes. Really? Yeah. Let it slowly keep cooking because real slow cooled down. And then I open it up and I let it sit for another 10 minutes.

And then I slice into that bit. So what should I do with the gas grill? We'll talk. We'll talk. We'll talk. Throw that thing in the fucking, give it to homeless people. Throw it in the LA river. See?

This stuff is, when you can do something like that and you get good at it, right? This is the bread thing. It's like, you're in. Yes. Well, for me, I love cooking. I've always loved cooking. And it's not, there's a little bit of a manly thing that I like more with cooking with lump charcoal over a charcoal grill. The smell.

There's something very manly about the real fire. It's primal. But honestly, as far as like taste and as far as ease of use and repeatability, it's hard to fuck with these pellet grills. Yeah. Because you're cooking with real wood fire. Yeah. It smells great.

It tastes great. Like when you open the lid up, the smell of like maple and all the different, you know, you can buy a bunch of different different like applewood, all kinds of different cherry. So great. You can buy all kinds of different pellets. I need a bigger yard. They're not even that big, man.

No? No. And again, economical. Like I know Green Mountain Grill. Go to Green Mountain Grill. They have a pretty small one that is only like a few hundred bucks. And my mother-in-law has my old one. It's great.

Yeah. They're fucking great, man. It still works. I've had it for years. Really? Yeah. And that one has a built-in thing. It's called the Daniel Boone.

You know, one thing I took off of your Instagram was the eggs and just throwing the kale on top of it. Oh, yeah. I love that. It's a lifesaver. I mean, that's such a simple yeah great morning oh it's the best so easy what I do is I take some kale I chop it up and then I chop up some garlic and usually I do jalapenos too then I get some butter

cooking I put the kale in the butter I saute it and once it really starts getting darker it's ready to rock I just crack a few eggs and right on top of it mix it all up put it on a plate and it's ready to rock, I just crack a few eggs in there. Right on top of it. Mix it all up, put it on a plate, and it's fantastic. You mix it up, they look like they were sunny side up. Sometimes I do that too. Yeah. Sometimes I just put the kale right next to the eggs. Right.

Sometimes I cook the eggs in the kale. Yeah, I've just been throwing the kale on top of the eggs. It's great too. It's great too. Great. Yeah, great too. So fast. Yeah, super easy.

The best. What's this one? Have you tried one of these? I have. I like those. Does it work pretty good? Yeah, those are great. Sous vide. Sous vide.

Yeah, I have, I don't think I have that one. I have another one like it. What is that? But yeah, what you do is you vacuum seal your food in a plastic bag, and then you put it in a pot with water, and then the hot water, the thing will heat up the temperature of the water like 125 degrees. And the hot water, the thing will heat up the temperature of the water like 125 degrees. My question would be, like, is the plastic leaching into your food?

They say it doesn't. It's a good question, though. But how do we? I mean, you can't microwave plastic. If it's a certain temperature, maybe the plastic needs to hit a certain temperature to melt. Well, they say you should never drink bottles that have been in your car in a hot day in LA. I was wondering about that recently. I was just high and thinking about that. Where did that story maybe come from? Maybe the glass bottle water people

are putting out false fake news. Is there a glass bottle water business? Perrier and all those are all glass bottles. Voss? Yeah. There's a whole trend on it. I think there's actual science behind it. I was just wondering. Conspiracy. You were high. That's what you were saying. Seuss Veed is good. I have actually a

blowtorch that I do with Seuss Veed. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so I do Seuss Veed and then I cook the outside of it with a torch. Yeah. So you get that brown on the outside. I've done that, but I don't prefer it. I prefer the Traeger style Green Mountain Grill, Yoder Grill, those pellet grills.

Again, there's a bunch of different companies. I'm not trying to endorse one. I like Green Mountain Grill. My friend John Dudley loves those Traegers. But that new Traeger Timberline is pretty revolutionary, and it's supposed to be amazing in its ability to insulate. I think actually the best one, too, is another one called the Memphis. Memphis Grill is supposed to be really good at that, too.

Someone told me if you have a gas grill to put a cast iron pan on it and you do your steak that way. Yeah, that's a good move. Yeah. Yeah, to get that seared flavor from a cast iron pan. And it's more even. It gets a little more...

A lot of big-time steak restaurants still use cast iron pans. And it's more even. It gets a little more... A lot of big time steak restaurants still use cast iron pans. Cast iron's pretty badass. You know you get iron from it too? Do you really? You get actually dietary iron.

Oh wow. Yeah, which is crazy. You don't really have to clean them. It's actually supposed to be good for you. Like it's good to cook even vegetables.

Like cooking vegetables in an iron pan you get a little bit of iron. Oh really? Yeah. That's good for my wife. Is that true? I'm sure that's true. She's a little bit of iron. Oh, really? Yeah. That's good for my wife. Is that true? I'm sure that's true.

She's a little low iron. I feel like I might be lying. No, I think you're right. I've heard that. Who cares? I do so many podcasts. There's so many things that I've said that are not true. Of course.

I'm not trying to deceive you folks. I'm not trying to deceive you. We're doing our best. I'm doing my best. I am doing my best. Tom Papa, where can these fine people see you perform your wonderful and magical stand-up comedy? I'm going to do some shows in Oakmont, Pennsylvania, and a theater in Ridgefield, Connecticut, in Old Saybrook. Go to TomPapa.com.

I've got a bunch of stuff in June and then starting up again in the fall. TomPapa.com. And my special's streaming on hulu and amazon and um follow my instagram if you want bread tips how old is your special now it was about came out six months ago five months ago six months ago yeah and when do you think you'll think about doing another one what kind of schedule you on i feel like i could start lining it up because i've got about uh i've got about 35 40 that's like really solid like filmable stuff right and um you know keep working at that pace by time

i set it up and go do it it'll be probably i did it last july is when i filmed it so we're coming up on a year and if i did it probably at like a year and a half to two years it feels like two years might be a little long but it feels like a year and a half will be it'll be ready and I don't put the clock on it it's really like when is it ready but if I'm already at that point I feel like I should crank it out yeah I'm on the exact same schedule yeah yeah a lot of people I talk to have that same opinion but it seems to be like that like a year and a half in you start feeling this is real yeah ready to go yeah it takes time yeah you know and you want it to be you know i don't want to just eek across the finish

line i want to you know you want it to be better than the last one yeah you want it to be representative of where you're you feel your stand-up is right now you know and it's like exactly you have your great nights and you have your not it was is right now. You know? Exactly. You have your great nights. It was like it's a matter of getting it so consistent that you get to the point like, this motherfucker's ready. Right, exactly. It's time to pull the bread out of the oven.

Right, exactly. Get me some pellets. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, ooh, ah, eh. That's the end. Oh, and my podcast. May I mention that? That's right.

Become a Papa podcast. I always forget to turn people on to that. The best comics are the worst at self-promotion. I know. So that's a good thing, my friend. Thank you. So I'm getting worse. Are you at the store this weekend?

Not this weekend. I'll be there next week, though. Okay. Yeah. I'll see you there next week. Sounds good. Tom Papa, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be back next week.

Thank you, everybody. Love you. Bye. My ears are hot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha'll be back next week. Thank you, everybody. Love you. Bye. My ears are hot.