The Joe Rogan Experience - #967 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: May 30, 2017

Bill Burr is a standup comedian and also hosts his own podcast called "Monday Morning Podcast" available on Spotify. Season 2 of his show "F Is For Family" is available now on Netflix.

Five, four, three, two, one. Yeehaw, Bill Burr. What's going on? You're looking very slick. You look like a professional man. Oh, I was doing television this morning. As I mentioned to you, I just did Colin Cowherd's show, and I run out of button-down shirts that I could wear on TV.

Because I always go button-down jeans and whatever, nice pair of shoes. I'm not a sport coat guy, but I was just like, I had to like go back and Google image myself on the show going, what did I wear last time? I couldn't tell what black shirt I had on. It's like, oh God, I got to throw a sport coat on. So I'm sure I'll get trashed for that. Like, what are you all Hollywood now, man?

Trying to look good? So yeah, that's why I'm dressed up here. I'm the best dressed man in podcasting today. You are right now, for sure, at this moment. That's right. I'm amazed that you actually looked to check to see if you were wearing the same shirt. Yeah. What?

Did you do that for yourself? No, because the internet is nonstop shit. It's like, why help him out? I mean, it's like, if you're going to trash me, I'm going to make you work for it. I'm not going to give you the layup. It's such a mild trashing. I mean, it's like why help him out i mean it's like if you're gonna trash me it's like i'm gonna make you work for it i'm not gonna give you the layup it's such a mild trashing i mean it's coming from me i dress like a fucking idiot no i mean it just you know it just it just is what it is it's just like for whatever reason i mean i i don't know i get a kick out of doing stuff like that like which way they're gonna come at me today just make them make some better at it oh i see I don't want to do

the, yeah, you're bald-headed, blah, blah, blah. It's like every fucking day. But just get somebody to come at you in a, thank you, to get you in a unique way. If they get me in a unique way, it actually makes me laugh, and then there's entertainment for me. But if it's the same old tired

shit, I don't know. They get me lately for my socks. I didn't know. They get me lately for my socks. I didn't know that you're not supposed to have socks that kind of cover your ankles. Like these are acceptable. These socks are acceptable socks. See that? Because they're kind of tucked away. Dude, those were women's socks when we were kids. Yes.

And they had a little ball on the little bunny rabbit tail on the end. They were the Chris Everts. What happened? Remember, you used to have calf-high socks. Those were the shit. Calf-high socks and your shorts barely covered your junk. That was it. Exactly.

Now everybody's shorts go down their knees and their socks are non-existent. Yeah, but the shorts are coming back up and I don't like that. You don't like it? No. There's been a lot of that. And then there's the anti-man man who's so comfortable with his masculinity. You know,

those hipster douchebags. So they're like literally wearing like the old running shorts with the slit going up the side like macho camacho. Really?

Oh yeah. Who the fuck's wearing those? Not a bunch, but I've just seen enough. And you just look at the whole thing. It's like, they literally look like

they're going to go do some Ron Burgundy sketch or something, but it's how they walk around and they act like, oh no, I just, I like these shorts. I put a picture of my sneakers and my socks on Instagram the other day, which is not a smart move anyway. Like, why did I even do that?

I just went running for three miles and my sneakers and socks were covered with dirt. But the amount of people that just shit on my socks. What's wrong with if they cover your ankles? That's it. What's wrong with those socks? I don't know. I don't know, but there is something wrong with if they cover your ankles? That's it. What's wrong with those socks? I don't know. I don't know, but there is something wrong with them. I can't put my finger on it.

I don't like them either. It's that ribbing around the... Yeah, ribbed for her pleasure at the top, and then like your sneakers too. If you're going to go running dirt, those are the ones that do it. They look very artsy though. That looks like some shit my wife would appreciate if it was on a canvas, you know? The socks? No, the design on your sneakers.

Oh, on the sneakers. You know that modern art thing? Yeah. The lines go this way, and then they go that way, much like life. And then they intersect, you know, that type of shit. And it's just like, why don't you just draw a house? Do you ever go to LACMA, the L.A. County Museum? Don't go. You'll go's just like, why don't you just draw a house? Do you ever go to LACMA? The L.A. County Museum? Don't go.

You'll go crazy. No, I don't. You know, I think the most important, I would enjoy the tram ride up. Like, this is fun. This is cool. I feel like I'm in an amusement park. It'll infuriate you. Yeah, there's a lot of like chicly dressed older women with like ridiculously weird glasses.

Like the color of the frames is always some you know some statement you know what i mean some splash of color to let you know that they have a personality yeah and the lenses are huge i'm probably just intimidated no you're not intimidated it's nonsense i went there and there i mean we've talked about this before but there's there was a box like a plexiglass box on the ground that's it an amber plexiglass box and i thought it was like some sort of a, like maybe a stand and then like the exhibits going in on. Nope, nope, nope.

The box was the art. That's it. Nothing in it. Every art form has that. Every art form has their plastic box. Like, no, this is stand-up. There it is right there. This is a stand-up comedy special. Look at that. Well, it's kind of amber, a little like a Vistalite. I mean, I guess. But it's just a fucking box. I mean, it looks like something you would go get at a crate and barrel.

I could build that. You easily could build that. You give me some glue and you give me the pieces. Meanwhile, it's probably worth 30 grand. I know, and it's just like, I would literally put my feet on that in a second. You should. Do you know, you got this book in front of me here, Dear Reader, Kim Jong-il. He looks like the kind of person you'd run into in a museum if he had sexier glasses.

That lunatic will probably somehow hear this and actually go out and get some. You know, that he's skinned off of a dog. He's dead. That's not his son? No, that's the dad. What's his son's name? Kim Jong-un. Oh.

Well, it's definitely his kid. They look just alike. Did you see that? Yeah, chowing. How many dumplings do they have a fucking day? Everybody else in the country is fucking emaciated, looking like they just finished the tour to France. These guys are walking around.

Plump. Yeah, like they're on their sixth kid dad bods. They're so smooth and hairless, too. They're just fucking creepy. I love them. Did you see that? What's that guy's name? Basquiat?

How do you say that guy's name? Basquiat? How do you say that guy's name? Basquiat? Yeah. That Basquiat painting that went for $110 million? No, it didn't. Yes, it did. You want to see what $110 million buys you?

Want to get grossed out? This Japanese gentleman who bought it is some super billionaire character who apparently has another one that he spent 50-something billion or million on. Yeah, that's when you're like eating endangered species for breakfast. Look at that stupid fucking painting. That's $110 million. I mean, that looks like some shit I drew when I was a kid and my parents put it on the refrigerator like, yeah, yeah, that's great.

That should be like notebook, like, you know, that confetti that hangs off the side. Yeah, what's with the tic-tac-toe on his head too? What's. Yeah, what's with the tic-tac-toe on his head, too? What's that about? It's got a tic-tac-toe on his head. Hey, Joe, it's whatever you want it to mean, man. It's art. It's up to your own interpretation.

I like the blue. I always found blue to be soothing. The guy looks a little disturbed. Was that him trying to find his place within the blue skies of white America? It's like the left corner. Is that what it is? He was a little kid and he fucked up and he just scratched over it. Like the A and the B, but he made the B backwards and went shit.

And so he just scratched over it and just left it there. Like, look at that. What is that? It's whatever you want it to be. Yeah. $110 million. That's what it is. And there you go.

That's LACMA right there. They would kill to have that piece hanging in there. And there would be all kinds of women with weird glasses riding that tram up there

to go look at it. Rub their chins. With their gay friends. Look at him. Look at that guy. Lost bastard. No, he's killing it, dude. You think so?

Yeah. Look at him. He's in great shape. Look at that haircut. No, definitely no conditioner, huh? No. I can't tell if his hair's just starting to go gray.

Yeah, but isn't that like a billionaire genius? Like you're so good at business that you forget to put conditioner in your hair. Yeah. And you got like sleep coming out of your eye. Like Bill Gates. Some hottie just like fucking hoses you off in the morning. Just wear this. I can't.

I just keep thinking. fucking hoses you off in the morning just wear this I can't I just keep thinking there was a video that I watched the other day of Elon Musk from 1998 when he was first becoming a billionaire and he bought a million dollar car and he had his million dollar car delivered with his girlfriend at the time we got rid of I was to say at the same time and you are my girlfriend put her in the trunk but it's it's so funny to see him as this uh young dork who's you know just making shit tons of money and his hair's all goofy and he has this million dollar car delivered who's this elon musk the guy owns tesla oh tesla okay did you see what you see what

he's doing now but the video is hilarious have you seen what he's doing now the boring company do you know what that is they make like electric jets or something? No, they're boring holes underneath Los Angeles. He's going to bore these earthquake-proof tunnels. And they're going to put sleds on these tunnels that go 125 miles an hour. So you drive onto the sled. It locks you in. And it shoots you from like downtown LA to wherever the fuck you're going.

And, you know, is this it, Jamie? So this is how it works. You drive onto this sled and it drops you down. This guy just gets it. Look at this. It drops you down below the surface of the earth. Now what are these other sleds? These are sleds.

So your car is in this sled. That is fucking amazing. I want that to happen. It's going to happen. This crazy fucker, he's going to make it. And these sleds, I mean, you can't crash into anybody, so they can go stupid fast. So they're going 125 miles an hour.

Now, now, now, they're created by men, so at some point somebody's going to tighten something down. Well, those Teslas don't have the best service record or reliability record. Sam Harris has broke down twice already. And I know another guy who got one and the handle stopped coming out. You know, you go

near it and the handle comes out. You got to break into your own electric car. But look at this. Another guy gets to get in there. There's going to be a line, traffic jam to get onto these fucking things. But look at this passageway system that he's devising. It's going to be crazy. There's going to be these passageways all throughout the bottom of the earth.

So underneath the surface of Los Angeles will be all these streets. But of course it's going to cave in, right? It's got to somehow compromise the structure of the city, right? All those buildings sitting on top of it? I don't know. If anybody can figure it out, i think that's beyond my uh your background i will you know it's most more even more amazing than that is that japanese billionaire look like the japanese charles bronson if you go back i love charles bronson he does a little bit he does he looks tough like charles bronson in the mechanic like

that one i've seen all his fucking movie i love love all that. I even watched his cologne ad that he did over there. He did a cologne ad? Oh, yeah. Where'd he do it? You saw the softer side of him. Oh, yeah, he was taking his shirt off. He was spinning around this apartment. Really?

Yeah, it was very not Charles Bronson. That's back when stars would do... For some reason, only in this country, it hurt your career if you did a commercial, but you could always overseas do something do something like that you could just it used to hurt their their career but it doesn't seem to anymore like no not only does it not now it's like a move now it's like why aren't you just going up vacuum vacuuming up this cash yeah like now matthew mcconaughey look at him look at that i'm telling you i nailed it he's He does. He's got a Charles Bronson.

He's got to work on the hair, though. He's got the fucking mustache. He's a little too humble with his smile. He needs to be a little more solemn. Just accept the fact you're a baller billionaire who pays $110 for a stupid painting. He does. You know what? Going back to it, he does look a little lost.

Or maybe he just doesn't like his picture taken. I'm always looking to give somebody the benefit of the fucking doubt here. Or maybe he's realizing that he just spent $110 million on a stupid fucking painting. He's like, what? What did it sell for the last time? I don't know. I don't know. That's interesting.

That's a good question. I wonder what he saw in it. See if you can find that commercial, the Charles Bronson cologne commercial. I want to see that. It's gotta be online. Why would you tell people that you bought that and then that's in your house? Did nobody learn anything from the fucking

Kardashians? Look at all the jewelry I got. Next thing you know you're face down with a fucking gun to the back of your head. You gotta watch out with that. This guy's fucking, he's got a hundred ten that was like a million dollar ring. He's got like a hundred ten million dollar piece of art. Well, the crazy thing about the Kardashian thing was that it was in Paris and she brought security

with her. She had security with her. And they figured out how to get past security. Yeah, but everything's better in Europe. Isn't that what everybody says? The criminals are better than our security. So there's Charles Bronson. Oh, this is Charles Bronson late in his life, too. This is like Death's Wish Charles Bronson. Oh, this is Charles Bronson late in his life, too. This is like Death's Wish,

Charles Bronson. Yeah, Paul Kersey. All the world loves another. All the world loves another. It's like a mini movie. Really?

Yes. What was this for? What country? Somewhere like mini movie. Really? Yes. What was this for? What country? Somewhere like in Japan. Really? Yeah. He definitely didn't do it here.

What a weird drive. The guy at the gate. Good night, Mr. Bronson. Sleep tight. He's driving off. Drives like a man. Now all of a sudden, it gets... Here we go. Oh, wow. This is strange. It gets, here we go. Oh, wow.

This is strange. It gets a pipe out. Shirt's coming off. What in the fuck is this? This is a man getting paid. He's got his pipe on and his shirt off and he's by himself. Yeah, but you realize how jacked this guy was? Oh, yeah.

For back then. Not only that, he was probably like 60 at the time. Like, Charles Bronson, I believe, when he... You watching him, the Tarantino shit here with him shooting guns and stuff? This is late in his career, too. I'm telling you, he might have been 60 here. Because when he was in hard times, he was 50. Man-dom. Man-dom. That's beyond... When he was in Hard Times, he was 50. Mandum.

Mandum. That's beyond. That's the kingdom of a man, what you're putting on him there. Mandum. 1976, it says? Find out when Hard Times was. Oh, Japanese. There you go.

Mandum. Mandum. And that works over there. Hard Times was what, 75? So he was 51 when he did that. Wow. Checked. In the range.

Yeah, look at him in Hard Times. He was fucking ripped. I bet they sold a ton of that. Look at that. That's a 50-year-old man. No HGH, no testosterone. Just fucking push-ups, sit-ups, and drinking milk. He grew up in a...

Didn't he work in mines and stuff in poland or something yeah those guys all those guys back then you know what i like about those old movies so many of them is when you watch an army movie from back then you're watching someone who was in the army and shot at people so it's like they actually you know lee marvin like he was like one of two people to survive in his platoon yeah i got shot and stuff, I think, a sciatic nerve issue or something from where he got shot or something. Like, this guy literally, like, actors weren't, you know, what they are now, where it was a lot of pretend. I mean, Jesus, we've been over in Iraq for 15 years. I'm sure you could, like, there's going to be, the next Lee Marvins are going to come out of that.

Maybe. Maybe, I don't know do you remember when I just say thanks Joe I do too who was that one guy that was like one of the first original movie stars and he was a World War II veteran Audie Murphy is it was that his name there was a guy I mean most most of them a famous war hero yeah most of them were veterans because of the level of the draft but then it becomes what did you do when you were there right it was like some of the some of them you know they they were in like you know infrastructure or whatever and then there's other people that were actually like up front yeah this is the guy he was uh he became a movie star

well look at all this stuff on his coat he must have done something over there he was a uh he was a decorated... Okay, so he's one of the most decorated American combat soldiers in World War II. And then single-handedly held off an entire German... That's the guy who ran up with the grenade. ...company of German soldiers for an hour. Yeah. Wow.

So then he came back and became a movie star. And people knew he enjoyed a 21 year acting career and then it just stopped well he went didn't he win like the congressional medal of honor is like like most people don't win that and they're still alive right so back then like that was like a celebrity yeah like you you had to hold off an entire platoon for a german platoon too who makes porsches and and mercedes like they're like you know their level of guns that they had over there? Like our machine guns overheated and theirs didn't. So if you killed a German guy, you threw away the American shit and picked up their stuff.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah. One of my favorite quotes ever, one of the German tank commanders was saying every one of their, what, they had Panzers? Is that what theirs was called? And ours were the Sherman tanks? A German Tiger. A Tiger was worth like four american tanks

but the americans always had five we just totally mcdonald's them like billions and billions served we just kept cranking it out it's like we got him right then it'd always be that last one coming over the hill well they had some massive cannon in world war one that apparently you it took like a hundred men to move this enormous fucking cannon and Dan Carlin was talking about it. Hundred blue eyed men. Hardcore history. What's that?

Hundred blue eyed men to move it. They wouldn't let anybody without blue eyes move the thing. Did Hitler even have blue eyes? Isn't that weird? He was a dark haired guy. No he didn't. He looks like a cab driver

in Germany. He was everything he hated. That was the funny thing about him. Was not a good dancer. If you ever saw him do his victory jigs. Apparently he was everything he hated that was the funny thing about him was not a good dancer if you ever saw him do his victory jigs evidently was afraid of dogs really i'm just repeating shit that people said i don't know german shepherds it is amazing the kind of engineering that german people have come up with i mean you think about mercedes porsche audi bmw all that out of this one part of the world.

No, and they evidently, a lot of the leaders felt, oh my God. Look at that fucking cannon. What is that thing called? Most powerful gun ever built. Heavy Gustav railway gun. So they put this thing on, it looks like it's on tractor tires. It looks like a tractor, right? And I guess they drove this thing up.

But it just had this, the way Dan Carlin describes it is incredible, like this unbelievable shockwave. Everybody would have to run a mile away when the thing was going off and plug your ears up just because it would blow your eardrums literally apart. Jesus Christ. Yeah, did they show this thing going off and plug your ears up just because it'll blow your eardrums literally apart jesus christ yeah they show this thing going off what's wrong with people oh how is war still legal i just don't get how that's legal you know what i mean like i can't walk into a bar you know and punch somebody in the face or if they punch me we like fucking go to jail but like this shit is like can't these leaders just kind of solve things amongst themselves no they can't carve it up a

little just all right listen you take the philippines and no you give us guam for the uh like like uh you know owners of football teams isn't it amazing that i mean that we even have what's legal and what's not legal i mean what, what does that mean? We wrote it down on paper. We all agreed. I mean, think about the shit that is and isn't legal. The fact that war is on that list at all. I like laws. Do you?

Yeah. Like what ones? You can't beat the shit out of me? Can't come into my house and take my stuff? What am I going to do? What am I honestly going to do about it? I was thinking about that when I was watching the UFC this past weekend. I was watching this frightful beating that Alexander Gustafson put on Glover Teixeira.

And it was just a ruthless knockout. Just a fucking vicious beatdown. And then eventually stopped him. And I was thinking, it's kind of crazy that these guys agree to do this. They agree to do this. Everybody signs away. And then you go do something that anywhere else in the world you would get locked up for.

Yeah, you're arrested. That happens in hockey every once in a while where somebody goes too far and then the government gets involved. Really? Yeah. Like, what do they do? If you hit somebody in the head with a stick, that goes outside the boundaries of setting the tone.

That seems like a pussy move, though. Hitting with a stick. You're supposed to punch. It's so weird when you got the stick in your hand. Yeah. It's just the shit that you sometimes think of doing. I would think about it. Guys spear each other in the balls.

They fucking whack at the back. There's no padding behind your legs. Just imagine that. Just taking a wood stick and just... With NHL-level strength and just, with NHL level strength and just giving someone a two-handed to the back leg. They break people's fingers.

Crosby almost took somebody's finger off this year. If they get too far, like if it gets really, if they just open the rules up a little bit, you know what's going to happen? They're going to bring in

figure skaters. They're going to teach them taekwondo. They're going to cut people's fucking heads off with the skates. Well, dude, you're spinning heel kick, man. If you ever learned how to skate, you'd be fucking dangerous. If you ever did that with skates on, that would be it.

That's what I'm saying. If you teach that to somebody, teach that to somebody with skates. I mean, if you could hit someone with a hockey stick, why can't you hit them with a skate? Like, where are we drawing the line here? You can't hit them with a stick. But they do it. If somebody does it to you. No, no, they slash and they do stuff like that.

You can't club somebody over. You're even slashing. So, okay, I'll just slash your leg out. What would you rather have? Would you rather get hit by a piece of wood and have a bruise there or have somebody slash you with their skate? I would absolutely rather get hit by the piece of wood, but I shouldn't get hit by the piece of wood.

I don't play hockey, but if I did play hockey, I'd be pretty pissed if somebody hit me with a stick. I'd be like, you fucking pussy. And I'd want to hit him with my skate. You'd be like the second coming of Ty Domi. You have the exact same build. He's a fucking guy who somehow was like my height and was considered a heavyweight fighter. And he's the guy, according to him, he came up with the grab them right underneath your collar and then turn all the way sideways because he didn't have the reach advantage.

Oh. And then he would wait for them to throw. He'd duck under and then come over the top. And, dude, I met him one time. Great fucking guy. And he has, like, your hands. You know how your hands you make like that and it turns into a hammer? It's the same thing. He has these inexplicable bear fucking paws.

I might be a little taller than him. Wow. And I remember when he tried to show me, when he grabbed the front of my shirt to show me, I literally felt like an adrenaline. Flashback? I hope this guy doesn't snap. He's one of the toughest guys that ever played. Well, you know, when Rocky Marciano was a heavyweight champion,

he was only 185 pounds. He was 185 pounds and he was 5'10". And he was a heavyweight champ. That's because there wasn't Tim Hortons on every fucking corner. They weren't feeding cows to other cows. They'd be like, go ahead and eat it. See what happens. Dude, have you seen kids hit puberty at like eight now?

Yeah, they're huge. Eight or nine, you gotta teach them how to shave. I mean, I don't know what is in... Hormones. Who knows what it is, but it's no longer... Monsanto changed their name. You know what I mean? What do they know? I don't know. That's the genius of it, because

then you don't know. The same way Halliburton changed. The same way Nissan changed from Datsun. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's right. I wonder why they did that. Datsun made some good cars. Oh, they always go over the cliff. Toyota did that too with Lexus. I'm kidding with the Datsun.

I don't want to get fucking sued. Honda and Toyota in this country, they both do the same thing. They have this weird division where they make a luxury brand for Americans. Acura and Honda, they don't do that in Japan. Like if you buy an NSX in Japan, which is their top end car, it's a Honda. It's a Honda NSX. Okay.

But in America, we're like, no, you need something. You need a better name. No, but we have the space. Are you saying that they can't get a luxury car over there? No, no, no. Oh, that's just the name. They changed the name in America because we don't want to buy a Toyota. We assume a Toyota's a cheap car.

So they go, okay, well, we're going to make a different brand of Toyota and call it a Lexus. And everybody's like, okay, we're in. As long as you change the name. I was literally going to make up without any research that because they were on an island... They don't have anywhere to drive. They don't have anywhere to drive

so they don't let him have the fast cars. Even that guy with $110 billion to buy a picture. He's got nowhere to go. No, he has like a Civic. He can't spend his money on cars, so that's why he buys the YARP. You're a car guy, though. You know they have

pretty fast cars. I mean, they have ridiculously fast cars. They have the GTR. It's one of the fastest cars in the world. I know, but I've never been there. To Japan? Yeah, I just started to listen to what you were saying, and then that whole theory developed in my head. Japan is small, but it's not that small. No, it isn't.

Can I mention F is for Family, that it came out today? Today. That's why I'm here. That's why I dragged you out of bed or whatever you were doing to do the special podcast which I appreciate season two season two of F is for Family

is available to stream all of it it took us a year to make it and you can devour it in five hours wow if you have food delivered

and then you can ask me when's season three coming out which is what I hope you ask me because that would mean that you enjoyed it I love this fucking show

it's a hilarious show oh thank you I'm looking forward to the season it's fun and i work with great people thank god because if i didn't the amount of work that it was it would actually be misery but it isn't it's a lot of work though how much work does it take you uh like it takes a year to make but how much does it take how long does it take you well i mean the writer's room is like a, you know, like a 10-week, 11-week thing. And then you're recording as you go. And then you're looking at, you know, the first drawings of it where they sort of rough it out. You'd be like, no, no, I have Frank standing over here and Sue's over here.

And it just kind of, you just keep, then you have rewrite. And then you're watching stuff and it doesn't play. And then you rewrite it. And it just, yeah, it takes a takes a year dude it takes like 10 months and then the last two months is just going okay deciding on strategies on how they're going to uh promote it which amazed me because i'm like well we'll fucking do what we always do but like this business just changes so rapidly that even how we promoted it when it first came out in uh december 2015 you know which was almost 2016 so now we're in 2017 like it's a bunch of other stuff has changed since then so i don't know like what what's changed like

what do you mean i fucking knew you were gonna ask me sorry i can't let you go i can't what was it no more questions no they would just go in like they brought they brought me in maybe this is my stand up special that's what they brought me in and they showed

they basically showed me how everybody's Netflix screen is different like yours is different your home page is different cause it's all they're just watching you watch TV

right or they got this fucking thing that watches it so the only way our screen Your homepage is different because it's all, they're just watching you watch TV. Right. Or they got this fucking thing that watches it. So the only way our screen, our top whatever would be the exact same is if we watch the exact same shit at the same time and maybe even the same age group. I have no idea. But I was blown away by that. Like, I just thought, like, you know, I would look and be, oh, man, my special's on the cover of Netflix. It's like, no, it's on the cover of yours. look and be, oh man, my special's on the cover of Netflix. It's like, no, it's on the

cover of yours. And whoever else is in that vibe of like, you're going to like this. I have three different profiles. I have one profile and then I have one profile for each of my kids. Okay. So I see different stuff. So I see that. So if I go to my kids

homepage, like if they want to watch a show that they watch and I go there, I see just a bunch of little kids show. I don't ever see anything that I watch. I go to mine. just a bunch of little kids show I don't ever see anything that I watch I go to mine I see House of Cards I see your special I see other people's specials so yeah that's what they do they're very smart with their algorithms but what I don't like is this fucking thumbs up thumbs down bullshit can't do that what's that I was joking about that on my podcast it's like uh adolf hitler thumbs down orange juice after brushing your teeth thumbs down you know what i mean yeah it's true ice cream thumbs up a threesome

with supermodel thumbs up yeah it's not the same yeah it's like what the fuck did they really do that because of amy schumer that's the no no that was that was that was already yeah that why would they do that behemoth when you're that fucking big you can't make decisions that quickly but everybody wanted it to be they're like they did it for her they did it for her well you know they got to bring it back the star system is a perfect system everybody's used to it yes we've been using it forever it works yes but what is But what is the star? Does the star? Somebody told me the star system only applies. It's like geared towards what you would like. I'm like, how the fuck would they know that?

That doesn't make any sense. And then I heard that that's not the case. That it's basically just an average of all the people, just like on Amazon. If you go to Amazon and you look at something, you see five stars and you see 175 reviews. That's what it is. But somebody told me that wasn't the star system wasn't that see if you could find that out jamie somebody said the star system was based on whether or not you would like it i'm like that seems ridiculous because i've never rated a

fucking thing in my life on m on netflix i don't get any of these places and i don't understand how any of them fucking work i just i go old school like i just tried it whatever i'm doing i try to make it as funny as i possibly can and try to work with the best people i possibly can and then just hope it sticks and if it doesn't i can always just keep telling jokes other than that i i don't know what to tell you i i have no idea and i have i was fuck when i took that meeting with netflix i went in there like this is a jerk off meeting why did i drive all the way over here to fucking have a meeting on how to promote this shit? And when they sat down and they were done with the presentation, I was like, am I allowed to leave? Like, you don't do the men in black thing to me before I walk out of here so I forget all.

That was fucking amazing. It was fucking amazing. Like, the level with which every goddamn, like, there's not one drop of water that rolls off the table. They're catching it all. I don't know how they, you know, I'm just not wired that way. Well, that's probably good, though. There's only so much time in the day. Like, just to think about being funny and just concentrate and staying in your lane is probably the best option anyway.

Yeah. I mean, it's working for me. Yeah. It's working for me. You don't want to be worried about algorithms and shit. option anyway is yeah i i mean it's working for me yeah it's working for me and then there's also worried about algorithms and shit and then there's also a certain level of known that you don't want to get to because then it stops being fun right and then tom cruise there's uh yeah well early tom cruise it was fun to be that famous but before social media and everybody had a camera

that they could pull out like charles Bronson in that cologne commercial. Then it just becomes, it's just something completely different. Like when we started in this business, like being famous was courtside seats and I don't know. Look at this shit. Fucking mountains of blow. It says Netflix star ratings were personalized and had been from the start. That means when you saw a movie on Netflix rated four stars, it didn't mean the average of all ratings were four stars. Instead, it meant that Netflix thought you'd rate it four stars based on your habits and other people's ratings, but many people didn't get that.

So how the fuck was Amy Schumer's one star? Everybody gave it one star. How's that work then? It was Sandinista and Rebels. They just all got on. And then they threatened the people that liked her special. And that's how it went down. Well, I guess in that case, what they did was they just said, look.

Greenpeace attacked my special. So many. Did they? Yeah. It just ruined all my chances for the rest. I did this joke about trees and they just didn't like it. And that's it for me. That's how it works now.

This is a whole new world. it and that's it for me it's not worse now this is a whole new world that seems weird though to me that well they wouldn't like let it actually be rated that they the ratings were personalized based on the shit that you like but how the fuck do they know what you like you just know what I watch it so it's a riddle wrapped up in an enigma you're not going to figure out a fucking worldwide i don't know how they do it i don't know how they all i know is i went and i took the meeting i was like this is fucking unbelievable well they're on top of shit you know the weirdest one is alexa do you know alexa the amazon one they're using it they're trying to use like a porn star yeah it does

i'm sure there's coming to the stage alexa they're trying to use that alexa is a thing that you talk to you it. Sounds like a porn star. Yeah, it does. I'm sure there's a bunch of them. Coming to the stage. Alexa. They're trying to use that. Alexa is a thing that you talk to. You're like, Alexa, play Bill Burr's album. I have no sympathy for people that bring that in their house. And because those mouth-breathing fucking morons will, someday it'll be mandatory that I do and get microchipped.

And then that's going to be the end of any sort of rebellion and whatever the fuck they want to do. That's it. The emperor can literally fuck a flounder on TV at that point, and they will be able to stop any sort of like fucking. Any dissent. Any dissent. They'll turn off your chip, which is your money. What are you going to rebel against?

With a slingshot? It's over. It's a fucking wrap. But there's too many mouth-breathing morons being like, well, what do I care if somebody, if I'm not fucking doing anything? Those people? Yeah. I've had that argument with a very smart person. When the NSA shit went down, they found out they were listening to all the calls.

The guy's like, go ahead, listen. If it keeps fucking terrorists from attacking, go ahead and listen. I'm not doing anything wrong. Like, wow, that's not what it is. Like, anybody could find out your email. They can go in your email and look at your emails and decide whether or not you're doing something wrong or right. Or once they have that jurisdiction, even if you didn't have anything, they could say you did. Yeah.

Well, they definitely could. They could alter your emails. They could do whatever they want. That's why nobody gets whacked anymore. People usually get whacked. You don't get whacked anymore. You mean killed? Yeah, you don't.

Well, they think that Seth Rich guy got killed. Who's that? Paying attention to that? No, I don't listen to shit. I just talk. I'm just going to say, you can just kill him in the media. All you got to do is one dick pic and be like, that is his dick. I'll give you the conspiracy theory and I'll give you what they know.

There's a guy named Seth Rich. He's apparently a Bernie Sanders supporter. He's working for the DNC. He found out that the DNC was fucking over- The Democratic National Convention? Natural, yeah. National? National, yeah. He found out that they were fucking over Bernie Sanders, and so he supposedly was giving this information to WikiLeaks. All that information got out. It hurt Hillary because it turned, and it hurt the DNC. The DNC, head of the DNC, left and went,

she resigned and immediately went to work for Hillary Clinton. Anyway, this guy who WikiLeaks says... And there was no follow-up because once she resigns in mainstream news, that's the end of the fucking story. Yeah, there was no follow-up. It was pretty outrageous that she immediately got hired by Hillary Clinton. Right. But anyway, the kid who was his Bernie Sanders supporter, his name was Seth Rich,

he was murdered outside of his house, 4 o'clock in the morning. They said it was a robbery. They left his money. They left his wallet. They left his phone. They left his watch. Nothing was taken from him, but he was shot in the back at four o'clock in the morning. So Julian Assange from WikiLeaks said that there are consequences for working with us and providing us information. So they're saying, are you saying this guy provided you information? He said, that's just what I'm saying. There's consequences to working with us. And then there's this other guy, Kim.com, was this famous multimillionaire internet character that's hiding out in New Zealand. Wait, tell me, I was going to say, after he lets the information out, what is the purpose of killing the guy? Because you're not going to stop the information.

What it is is to stop other people from doing it because they'll all get creeped out by him. To stop other people from doing it. Is that what you're saying here? To stop other people from doing it, one, and two, so that he can't testify on the depth of all the corruption that was going on in the DNC and who had organized it and who had orchestrated it. That's what they think. But what the fuck? But there's a lot of people that dispute this. And also, there was aacted fbi report that people were touting out that turned out to be bullshit and so now they found out that that was a fraud the fbi report

was a bullshit fbi report so they don't know what the fuck's going on but this guy's dead so my point is he he got whacked whether or not he got whacked because he was working with there it is federal prosecutor found dead this guy got whacked this weekend apparently oh jesus what did he get whacked for? Don't know exactly yet. Jesus, you guys just blew my theory out of the water. Yeah, he's like a 37-year-old federal prosecutor. Went for a jog in South Beach and found with a gunshot wound to his head, I believe.

Whoa. Well, he might have fucking put somebody in jail, though, that was pissed off and waited for him. You got to alter your behaviors. What, when you put somebody in jail? No, when you have jobs like that. Oh, yeah. You can't go home the same way. How the fuck people live like that?

Yeah, how do you live in your prosecutor? I'm too dumb to ever get to that level of society. Well, it's just an intense way of life, too. You work with criminals all the time. You're constantly working with people that are breaking the law. You're constantly trying to put them behind bars. This is freaking me out. When did you start smoking a pipe?

Oh, I only have done it a couple of times. Steven Crowder brought it in for me. How is it? It's not bad. It's not bad. It's a little annoying. It's not bad. I'll do it right now.

I'll light it up for you. I thought it would be amazing. It's okay. Both my's a little annoying. It's not bad. I'll do it right now. I'll light it up for you. I thought it would be amazing. It's okay. Both my grandfathers smoked a pipe, so I am a, you know. I like what it looks like. It smells good. There's a place on the west side, the Tinder box, that I've been meaning to go into. That place on Wilshire, right?

Isn't it? Yes. Yeah. I know that spot. There's a place over there, and I've been meaning to go in there. And take up pipedom? I don't know. I just like the smell of it.

Mandum. Oh, this is dead. We got another one. Just go in there and throw your shirt across the room and start smoking a pipe. Well, while you like that, I'll tell you a little bit about F is for Family for People this season. Frank's looking to get a job, I a job I should say, after getting fired at the end. That was some good

active listening. Oh, Jesus. Is it weed you're putting in there? No, it's tobacco. Oh, I thought you were fucking inhaling. You don't inhale, do you? No. You just sort of put it in your mouth. Okay, just gonna get a little puffed air. Okay. Kevin's trying to get his band going. We got Laura Dirt on the show,

Justin Long, Sam Rockwell, Haley Reinhart, Debbie Derryberry. I think I might have inhaled the first time, did I? Yeah, I thought you did. I might have. We'll see how it goes. David Koechner. No, that time I did. David Koechner's a funny guy. Yeah, he's one of the silliest people I've ever met, and I love him. Yeah, you guys got a great cast. Yeah.

Do you like doing a cartoon? Is it as satisfying for you as doing stand-up or is it just something different that's equally satisfying? It's just fun. Just fun. You know what, my,

no, no, no, it's, yeah, you know, like, look, stand-up's my first love, so, but the thing that I love doing is I love writing for all these other people, you know, and I should say we when

we write for them because everybody's in the room and the biggest thrill I get is at the table read beyond making you know the powers that be laugh when the actors crack up and they can't get through the line like we got Mo Collins this year a couple of times and she's just a she's a beast man she's just does so many characters for us. And a couple of times, it's just one of those things like, man, if we're making Mo laugh, I know this is a good line. And Trevor Duvall is another guy. We got him one time. And Koechner is hard to get to laugh, though.

He's such a pro. You know what I mean? And he'll say afterwards, this is some of the funniest shit I've ever done. But to get him, it's kind of a goal of mine to get him to crack yeah i've been in the booth with laura and we've gotten her a number of times and uh yeah it's uh sam rockwell we've gotten him left i just love that's my favorite my favorite it's like making another comedian laugh right it's an extra level of like all right you know especially you know a lot of them the caliber of actors that the material that they've looked at so for them to say and you can

tell you know anybody can say oh my god this is great when you really make them laugh you can't fake that um so i i read the table reads of fun because i think that's more like a stand-up show and um i really rehearse my lines and i make sure that i you know i sell the shit out of them because uh i don't have to go back and fix them you know if they don't work at the table read that's something that i did accidentally early in my career and then i learned what a um you know i learned what a big thing that is like the first acting gig that i got i was doing some small movie or something. They had a table read, and I got there, and I was overly prepared, and the lines worked.

And then there was more stuff for me, and this guy said, Hey, man, the writers love you, man. You're just selling the shit out of your stuff. And I'm thinking in my head, I was just trying not to get fired. And then I was able to see how the game works. Because there's actors that will go to a table read, and if they don't like the material they don't sell the stuff and i don't think they understand how hard people work so at least give it a fucking right yeah swing out of your cleats see what happens you know what i mean but to go there and just sort of mumble your way through it that's it's not a good position to get yourself into as an actor if the whole writing's room is like, oh, fuck this guy.

Yeah, wasn't that an issue on, what was that girl on one of those cop shows? Not cop shows, one of those hospital shows. Grey's Anatomy? Was it that girl said she wanted to be removed from consideration for the Emmys because she didn't think the material was strong enough that year? And they were like, oh, what? Oh, God. Yeah, I know. And how writers command their money, what? Oh, God. This fucking... Yeah, I know. And how writers

command their money is through winning shit like that. Yeah. Obviously, being on a hit show, but if you're an Emmy Award winning writer, that's huge for them. That's like their

fucking HBO special. So to screw... If they're gonna get... They were nominated and she said, I want to take that back. Yeah. Wow.

She didn't want to be nominated. Here it is. Star shuns Emmys. Katherine Heigl this week said she had opted out of the Emmys races here because she was not given good enough material to work with last season. That is fucking 29 years old on top of the fucking world. That is just disappearing up your own fucking vagina right there. Go back to that real quick.

So that was 10 years ago. Exactly. Is she still working? Not really. No. She dropped off the face So that was 10 years ago. I don't know who that is. Exactly. Is she still working? Not really, no. She dropped off the face of the planet 10 years ago. She was a big star. She started doing movies. She did that movie with Seth Rogen.

Is she trying to motivate people now? Yeah, knocked up. She's fucking dropped off the face of the planet. Now she's 40. 38, 38. Let's be honest here. She's 38. Well, basically 10 years ago. 40 is 38. I mean, I'm 49. I'm 38. Let's be honest here. She's 38. Well, basically 10 years ago.

40 is 38. I mean, I'm 49. I'm 50. Trust me. That's what happens, though. That 10 years flies by and nobody wants to do shit with you anymore. Now she's got a tainted word. She's got a tainted name. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's apparently softened her stance and she's

apologized for her her youthful exuberance but hey we're dumb she got our 20s we're dumb yeah i give her a pass dumb as fuck yeah i give a pass poor girl good for you yeah what are you gonna do you do dumb shit oh yeah in your 20s that's pretty dumb though huh that's pretty dumb that's ferocious i could probably i could beat that with a few things in my 20s don Don't you think that's not like a rash decision? That's something that was thought over, decided, reinforced, said it more than one time, and then didn't. Yeah, but there's a certain level of like not only egomania with celebrity, but there's also paranoia. And I think that like you just fucking, it all swirls together in your head.

And like, you know, like maybe thinking about an old acting, am I doing the work? Is this is this worthy? Like you got that fucking going on with if you're just remotely a pleasant person. When you get to a certain level of fame, people just like you are just the most amazing. Like I sneezed and you said god bless you i mean he is so down to earth like the level that you have to just fucking barely even be a fucking decent human being to just get this avalanche of compliments if you got that going on and then you got this fucking paranoia thing like uh is this to move is this what i wanted is this what i want

to hang my hat on with this emmy and you just start fucking having your own inside the actor's studio with yourself? I think it's just a diss on the writers. That's what I would say. I would say what she's doing is just dissing the writers. She's just saying. So in your world, it's a sketch for me. It was a trilogy of a movie. I was really going somewhere with that.

Three-parter? I was just joking how I built it all up in her head. You're just like, yeah, I think she's just being a cunt. three-parter. I was just joking how I built it all up in her head. You're just like, yeah, I think she's just being a cunt. They call them old brass tacks, Rogan. Just gets right down to it. That is my method. I'm more of a brass...

I'm not really... Ground and pound. You ground and pound it. You don't feel them out in the first round. You take them right down to the mat. When it comes to people like that, I'm like, I've seen that before. I know what that is. you go double leg takedown and then that's it especially with actors i mean i met a lot of nice actors don't get me wrong but maybe it's 50 of them that's a bad number like 50 of actors are pretty fucking cool but you worked you worked back when they could be a douche oh it's true now you can Now you can't. That's right. Now you can't. Yeah. People tell.

Yeah, no, no, it's, it's just because everybody stole all the movies and they stole all the music. You know, it's people like, where's all the good music?

I wish I was born during the grunge era. It's like, well, if, if this model existed back then, you would have ruined that too. Cause you cunts don't pay for anything. So you get what you pay for.

You get shitty movies, you know, about superheroes and all that. So now that's what it it is it's going to be superheroes or uh you know some sort of whatever fucking oh my god am i 40 now one of those comedies and um yeah what the fuck was my point what were you people don't pay for anything anymore no no that's what i made it that's what i made it that wasn't your thing i was talking about oh you can't be a douche now because the work's dried up there's not as many of them that's why I made it. That's why everything sucks. That's what I made it. That wasn't your thing. I was talking about, oh, you can't be a douche now because the work's dried up. There's not as many of them.

That's why there's like all these stars piling on like the Golden State Warriors every movie. Back in the day, like to make Ocean's Eleven happen when all of those people could have had their own starring vehicle and make all of this fucking money. God, I hope I'm right on this one. You mean the original Ocean's Eleven? No, even the one like in the early 2000s when i a few times i did movies everybody told me you just missed it you fucking missed it it all ended in 0506 and i started getting work in like fucking 09 2010 they were like oh my god they'd fucking pay for john travolta's jet fuel he come in his own

fucking you know, to do like one of those Hogs movies, like riding on a motorcycle. He'd be like, okay, you got to pay for my 747. They're like, oh, John, John. Goes without saying. Goes without saying. I'm going to fly back and forth from the set on the weekend

in my own 747, 12 hour. Hey, whatever you want. We'll build a fucking airfield for you right next to when we do Staying Alive we'll fucking do like I'm obviously exaggerating to a certain level but like some of the budgets that were around and the way that they

burned through fucking money and now it all just it's like it's the Serengeti during the dry season and all the fucking lions are fucking everybody's drinking next to each other but don't they still make big movies now i mean don't all these like uh blockbuster they do that they still make no but if you notice but there's like it's not just a tom cruise movie they'll be like fucking all these other people pile like those superhero movies there's like a there's

someone who used to be able to carry a movie in each slot right i'm not saying they still don't get movies it's just like, it's just dried up. And this, people in the industry told me. Men in Black 3 star Will Smith forced to move his huge $2 million trailer as New York residents complain. Look at that thing. Look at that trailer. That's his gym, just for working out.

That's just his gym? Yeah, he had another trailer, too. Holy shit. For hanging out or whatever. Kevin James had a trailer just for working out. Yeah, he had another trailer, too. Holy shit. For hanging out or whatever.

Kevin James had a trailer just for working out. When we did Zookeeper together, he had a full gym in a trailer that you rent. I mean, it had a fucking tanning booth in it. That was For Here Comes the Boom. For Here Comes the Boom, he had to get in shape because he was playing a guy who became a UFC fighter. Yeah, I like that movie. It's a fun movie. Yeah, he did a great job. Yeah, he did.

He lost a shitload of weight, too. Started drinking kale shakes in the morning and working out constantly. So he had a great job. Yeah, he did. He lost a shitload of weight, too. Started drinking kale shakes in the morning and working out constantly. So he had a full gym. Dude, nothing will get you in shape like knowing you're going to have to take your shirt off in a movie. Nothing will motivate you like, fuck this. Yeah, definitely help. Give me all the green shit you got, I'll drink it. I will fucking drink that.

If you could somehow, if there was an app that you listened to when you were asleep and it convinced you that you were going to have to take your shirt off in a movie, like the level of shape that Americans would get into, I think would be crazy. Do you? What about Bert Kreischer? Bert Kreischer is a rare animal. He's like a white tiger. You know, he's very valuable. Like an albino deer. Like if you ever get to the level, if you get bored with just, you know, and you want to go for the ultimate prey, like, that's the head you want on your wall. You want Bert Kreischer. Bert is like, yeah, he has, I don't know how he's wired, but like, he does not. I would love to ask. You have to ask him that

ask him Bert what humiliates you like that dude is really just like fearless well he's definitely fearless of taking his shirt off takes his shirt off every show like immediately takes his shirt off and then puts his hat back on shirt off has a fucking chaps on he did that at the god damn comedy gym no he came oh i remember i

had to follow him he went out and he fucking did uh red hot chili peppers give it away now and came out with just a sock on his junk and convinced everyone else in the band to do it and they did it most of them didn't want to do it he just he's fucking burnt he led him over the hill like in braveheart they all walked out with their socks and i'm sitting there like how the fuck am i gonna follow this and what did you have to sing oh i don't sing play the drums i just play drums you can't go wrong though and you're you're back there with the drums you could follow that it's not the same uh dude you're talking the level of energy and the level of the crowd being like, dude, what the fuck? The show's over, dude. The show is over.

Why didn't they have him go last? That's the exact question I asked Josh Adam Myers, who also does a voice on Howlin' Hank, the DJ. I remember when he came over, the DJ character, I'm like, I got the guy with the perfect voice. But yeah, I don't know why. I should have been going online. I think it's like they view that show more like how many years have you been doing stand-up.

It's like, no, this is not a stand-up. This is a music show. Who has the most musical ability or, like, is going to make the crowd go the craziest? I mean, come on, dude. Even if you didn't know anything about show business, these guys are going to come out with nothing but socks on their dicks. That's going last. Right. Yeah, that's it.

That's what I would say if I was scheduling it. I can't remember what I did after that. Played the drums. Well, I did enough stand-up to try to make them forget about what they saw before that, but I don't remember what song I played. So that show has stand-up, too? Like you do a little stand-up to try to make them forget about what they saw before that, but I don't remember what song I played. So that show has stand-up, too? Like, you do a little stand-up as well? Yeah, well, the way it started out was you would come out

and just talk about how much you love music, and then you'd talk about the awful band you played in or some of the concerts you went to or a rock star that they meant something to you and what you got inspired to do. There you go. That's me trying to be Steven Adler with the tattoo, the heart tattoo.

So I probably played either Welcome to the Jungle or Paradise City on that one. It's funny shit, dude. And the reason why I dress up like the drummers is because I don't want people to think that, you know. I play drums good enough where people will be like, wait, does this guy think he's good? Yeah, there you go.

He's in a bikini. I'm trying to find the socks. That was before the weight loss challenge, too. Yep. He put most of that weight back on, though. Tommy didn't. I went to Tommy's house the other day to do his podcast. Segura, he looks fucking great.

He's lost more weight. Oh, yeah. He's disciplined now. Yes, he is. He's exercising constantly. Eerily yeah. He's disciplined now. Yes, he is. He's exercising constantly. Eerily quiet sometimes when you stand next to him. Tom? Yes.

Really? Yeah. I just peer into his head sometimes like, what's going on in there? What do you see? I don't know. I don't know. I love Tom, but I'm telling you, there's just fucking- Something happening in there?

Huh? I would love to bring him on here and interview him. Well, he's definitely intense. He's intense. In a way that he doesn't show a lot of people like the way he prepared for this uh weight loss challenge i'm a dark dude and i i when i go into a room you can if you're a psycho you spot another psycho and it's just like this there's a fucking movie going on there that i would love to finance i want to see that movie made. Him and his wife, I think, that's the funniest comedy couple.

Next to Moshe Kasher, it's like Moshe Kasher and his wife, Natasha Leggero, those two, and then Tommy Bunz and Christina. I gotta go with Tommy and Christina. They're close, though. I'm seeing with Tommy and Christina. They're close though. I'm seeing a new reality show.

It's close. Comedy couples. I'm your host Joe Rogan. Yeah. Last comic standing with comic meets the newlywed game.

Huh? I like it. That's all you have to do to pitch. You just pitch two shows that worked. The newlywed game and last comic standing.

Yeah. You ask them questions and all of that stuff. Who else is out there? You got Tom Carter and Carrie Louise, right? Okay. I'm just saying comedians that married each other. Who else? Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Voss.

Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Voss. They're contenders. They're in the running as well for the funniest couple. Who else? Well, how do you keep this going, Joe? I don't know. It's not that many. How do you keep this going for five seasons? You don't.

You barely can get three episodes out of it. Is it a special? Is it something you would loan your name to? No. Could this live? Where would this live? I'm just trying to get a check. Where would this live?

I just want to sell it to you and then run away. I like it. Well, listen. We just got in business With Liquid Drano And they want to get Into the streaming business And they got all kinds of money They know they're gonna lose money

In this first year So we'll give you We're just gonna throw money at you I have one request What's that? Mario Lopez Host Mario Lopez

Can we get him? Do we know him? Yes What does he do? He's a boxer Mario Lopez He wasn't on Saved by the Bell? Did that too

But now entertainment reporter Slash boxer Oh and he's a boxer Yeah Another guy Good looking guy And he hosted Lopez. He wasn't on Saved by the Bell? Did that too. But now entertainment reporter slash boxer. Oh, and he's a boxer. Yeah. Another guy shredded. Good looking guy. And he hosted. Yes.

There you go. So like the women are married to a guy that's not as good looking as Mario and that's part of the drama of the show. What do you think? What chance? Where does this live? Bravo. For sure.

I was just picturing the industry like whenever you don't know what to say, you just go, where does this live? Where does this live? Is this in our palate I always just picture in the industry, like, whenever you don't know what to say, you just go, where does this live? Where does this live? Is this in our palate? You know what I've been watching lately that's fucking ridiculously addictive in some fucked up way is Million Dollar Listing. You ever watch that show? Do you know what it is?

It's these gay guys who sell houses. Yes. Yes. My wife watches that show with that fucking, the gay guy who lives in Connecticut. Who is like so clothed. Yes, he's ridiculous. He looks like he's like claymation. He doesn't look like a real person.

His teeth are so white. I am the number one real estate agent in all of New York. I'm the best. I love that guy. And I love when he starts speaking, what does he speak, Swedish? Yes. And out of nowhere he just buzzes. No, that's not the guy.

That's not him? That's not him. No. That's the one from New York. No, that's the other one. The one on the far right. Down on the right. On the right.

Yeah, the far right guy. That guy. That's the fucking guy. There he is. Oh, the one in the middle looks a lot like him. God, that's weird. They all have on lipstick. They look exactly the same.

Million dollar listing. That's Los Angeles. That's the different one. Yeah, the one in New York. Yeah, the one on the far listing. That's Los Angeles. That's the different one. Yeah, the one in New York. Yeah, the one on the far left. That fucking Gestapo fucking gay dude. I love that guy. So the guy in the middle is, I haven't seen that guy before.

I've only seen the one in New York with the male model in the middle. There's a male model. The one on the right is an angry psycho like me. The dude in the middle is sort of a middle ground. And then the other guy is like, I mean, he's right out of Hogan's Heroes. There was a house that they were selling in Los Angeles that was on that show, and I was watching it. And they were trying to sell it for $20 million. And it was for sale recently.

It's actually a house that's really for sale. But it's like right above Sunset Strip. Like, you could see it from the strip. Like, imagine buying a $20 million house, and you could just look at it. look at it like you can look into the windows i mean it's a half a block above the strip you're looking out your window like a cvs is across the street no yeah that's what okay i just thought you were but it is like that i mean it's on this it's on the street it's not above it it's here's the strip here's sunset strip here's the first couple of buildings it's right there i mean it's fucking right there.

But they wanted $20 million from it. And the listing died. Do you believe that those are true? Because the last episode I watched is the gay Gestapo guy is sitting there going, he walks in to this lady and he just goes, Okay, here's the offer. The final offer they can give you is $11.3 million. in to this lady and he just goes, okay, here's the offer. The final offer they can give you is $11.3 million.

I saw that one. She read him the right act. I told you, no negotiations. Don't come in here and waste my fucking time, blah, blah, blah. And he's just sitting there going like, oh my God, oh my God. You know? I was surprised he took that level of shit. I was waiting for him to be like, lady, it's not my fault.

You think it's worth $15 million? You fucking lunatic yeah you can't do that so he just sits there listens and then she leaves and i'm like holy shit they finally didn't sell a house and then just boom two seconds later somebody calls up oh after after he does the whole she walked out the door it was like winter in russia right he fucking all of a sudden somebody calls up out of nowhere and just goes all right 11 6 final offer that's it and then he calls the lady up and then she's all just like see that's all i wanted yeah that's the exact show i watched yeah and i was just like that was that was too easy and there's the handsome model he just takes his shirt off all the time he's ripped that guy with the the the Jewish fellow with the long hair.

My wife likes him. Of course she does. Yeah. Women like him. Guy's shredded. Yeah. I don't care. I don't care.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

I don't care. Beautiful man. She could literally be like, I'm leaving you for him. And I'd be like, I get that. I get it. I see it. You got to do what you got to do. Good for you, man.

Congratulations. Give me some knuckles. There you go. Hey, at least we had a kid together give me a hug imagine you're taking custody too I figure you know he's a better looking dad he's probably better at it than me

yeah it's tough to fight that off it's about 6'2 shredded and he keeps a certain amount of chest hair on it too you really analyze this guy, dude. I do. I fucking nod.

I usually, I got my little glass of fucking whatever I'm drinking at that point. You know, my little helper to get me to sleep. What do you drink? Oh, dude, I drink gasoline. I drink gas, dude. How often do you drink it? Because you took a long time off, right? Didn't you take like a few months?

Yeah, I take like periods. I'm in the middle of a joe dimaggio streak right now no i didn't drink last night but you know i had family come in uh two weekends this month to meet my daughter and uh so like that was a lot of like you know beer drinking i mean it's just you know booze and then right whatever like i feel i'm being good if i drink hard stuff because it's not as many calories as beer. I've been on a wine streak lately. I can't deal with the fact

that it makes your teeth gray. I hate that. If you drink red wine, it turns it gray and then you're like, ha ha. I drink so much coffee. My teeth are kind of jacked anyway. They're going a little yellow. Yeah, I definitely I don't know. I definitely, yeah, I go through peers.

I got inspired recently because I read something about some celebrity that fucking was already good looking. And then they just laid off the booze being like, yeah, I kind of was going too hard. And the dude was even better looking. I was just like, yeah, I got to cut this out. I got to knock this off. Getting off booze is going to make you better looking? No, it's going to gonna make you better looking no it's gonna make you a better looking you

how's that because you're fucking pouring that shit into you it's not good for you it's like you're literally asking me like

if you live a healthier lifestyle you're gonna look a little better dude if you're eating moon pies and fucking drinking beer and stuff

you're gonna look horrible would you rather enjoy yourself or look better? Oh, dude, I literally was thinking that last night when I was sitting there going like, all right, I'm not drinking tonight. I'm not going to have that little one. And, you know, my wife always, I come walking

and she hears the ice in the glass before I even get down the hall. Did she give you a hard time? Oh, another one, huh? No, no, no. You can't just be sober no she doesn't she doesn't you don't enjoy me sober no she's more like ah christ you're gonna be fucking snoring all night um now we have she no my wife's always this i'll always be like oh my god i think i'm a

fucking alcoholic she's like you're not an alcoholic you're so fucking dramatic you just like to drink it's like all right you're right but um we did have this whole fucking thing where she's just like i'd come walking in with the drink and she just spelled last year when we were doing the show and just the stress of writing and just thinking all day and coming home but i was like really fucking hitting it a little harder so i come into the room and she was looking at my pores and went from this to this to this to getting like bigger and then one night came walking and she just goes, Jesus Christ, why don't you just bring the whole bottle down? Like I only had one. She goes, look at that.

Fucking thing is huge. And that's when I came up. I go, it's a home pour. A home pour? A home pour. Oh. Well, you know, you go out to like the fucking, the whiskey bars and shit, and they take like an eyedropper out.

They have like a giant like glacier fucking ice cube in there. And then they just, you know, a little wet your whistle shot. You just, it doesn't even go up like an eighth of the ice cube. That's, that's like a, that's a commercial pour. And then you got the home pour, which is me, is you cover the ice cube. You get one of those big square ones in there, you know, and you just pour over it. I got a buddy that takes it to the next level. He takes a smoker.

He puts water in the smoker. So he leaves it in there for like a half an hour. So the smoke embeds the water. Then he takes the water out of the smoker and pours it into this circular cube maker, circular ice ball maker. You pour it in there so it's smoky water. And then he drops that in a glass and pours his whiskey over the

smoke-infused water. A little too much. It's a little redundant. A little too much. That's like that band Striper. Remember them? Oh, they were the Christian band. Remember all the stripes? Like they just took it too far? Like everything was fucking striped.

Weren't they like super Christian? The guy's whole fucking drum kit. Like the cymbal stands were all yellow and black striped. That's too much. It's like we get it. You're Striper. I didn't know. I'm not aware of these guys. That is...

Oh, that's disgusting. Yeah. Yellow and black. That's what I think having a smoke-infused... It's already going to have a peaty taste to it. Now, am I wrong about them being the Christian band? No, no, you're right. They are?

The drummer's name was Robert Sweet. I remember that. And that was actually... And I don't think that's a stage name. That's how nice it was. I say it. I have no idea. 53.5. They have no idea. Five, three point five.

They have a quote in the back. That's hilarious. Yeah, but they hit a market. They dress like bees. They hit, they. They just, they hit that bumblebee market. Why Ted Cruz? Oh, the guy looks like Ted Cruz.

The picture of Ted Cruz and the guy. It does look like Ted Cruz. It's hilarious. Ted Cruz has a Pee Wee Herman haircut too right guy. It does look like Ted Cruz. It's hilarious. Ted Cruz has a Pee Wee Herman haircut, too, right there. It does a little bit. A little Bob's Big Boy, a little coif going on there. Meanwhile, I'd be happy with him as president right now. I'd be happier.

Would you not be? He creeped me out. Did he? Creep you out more than Trump? Yeah, I voted for Gary Johnson. I did, too. I like that guy. He just was sane. That's all I was looking for at that point. And I Johnson. I did too. I like that guy. He just was sane.

That's all I was looking for at that point. Yeah. And I like Bernie Sanders too. I would have loved to see those two guys go at it. I just think we would have been in a much better place. It would have made more sense. Yeah, it just got a little too... What do you think is going on with this Russia shit?

I don't give a shit. You don't give a shit at all? I don't give a shit, dude. Whatever they did, we've done a thousand times around the globe. If anything, they're guilty of stealing from us. You talking about tampering with the election? No. What I'm really talking about is how much investment Trump has in Russia and what Russia has on Trump.

There's some weird shit going on with them, too. I hope he's boys with them. It didn't work out well the last time when we weren't friends. Right. It'd be nice to get along with them they don't have to try out their missiles they work yeah it's not like north korea you know but they got like a fucking what do they call those things a startup you know they got like hashtag fund my nuclear missile over there um i don't know i refuse to get scared

by that guy well i'm not scared by him by Putin, but he's a scary fucking guy. I mean, he's a murderer and a thug. There's a lot of murderers here. A lot of murderers. You remember that? We've done terrible things as well. I love when he said that. Yeah, he's right.

He's right about that. Well, who's a murderer? No, he goes, a lot of killers over here, too. And then O'Reilly goes, well, who? Who's a killer over here? And he just goes, a lot of killers. And then he just moves on to the next question yeah nobody will be like no wait i asked a fucking question answer it and he'll get up and walk away that's what he does now it's his move you're asking questions about russia he just gets up fuck you

leaves calls you fake news. Fake news. You are fake news. Fake news. The amount of sketches you could do with that guy. What would they do on Saturday night? Coming home, getting busted for cheating on his fucking wife. And she'll be asking a question. I'll just get up in the middle of it. It's fake news.

It's fake news. Well, whose panties are these? Those are fake. All fake. Alec Baldwin is reviving his career with him. I mean, Alec Baldwin's on fire right now. Did he have to revive it? Not really.

I've always thought that that guy's been killing it. Yeah, he's always doing great, but I mean, he's on fire right now. Doing his Donald Trump impression. It's one of the best things he's ever done. That guy's fucking hilarious. Did you ever see him on Jiminy Glick? No. That guy kills it on everything.

He's one of the funniest dudes out there, and he's one of the best character actors out there. It's just that he looks like an astronaut superhero that they tried to make him like this matinee idol guy, and he was really like a character actor guy. And when he does—my wife was always watching 30 Rock. He fucking killed it. Do you ever see what he did? His Tracy Morgan impression? No.

Yeah. The guy—I'm a huge fan. Well, he kills it so hard on SNL as Trump. I mean, there's no way he's not funny. I mean, that impression is fucking disaster.

I mean, it's destructive. It's so good. I love that one joke where they had, I'd like to apologize to the blah, blah, blah. I'd like to apologize. He kept saying apologize

and they go, are you trying to say, Mr. Trump, are you trying to say apologize? He goes, no, I would like to apologize. He kept saying apologize. And they go, are you trying to say, Mr. Trump, are you trying to say apologize? He goes, no, I would never do that. I've been just busy, so I haven't been watching on Saturday Night Live. I've got to start watching it again.

Yeah, I don't watch it either. I just watch the clips online. I don't have time to invest. Saturday Night Live is like one of those things where I feel like they're going to hit 50% of the time and miss 50% of the time. I can't do that. So I'll just wait for the hits. They're great. I mean, they come out with some great

sketches. That's a very efficient way of digesting your art. That's how I do it, bro. I'm efficient. Alright. Well, we have efficiently, we have 10 episodes this season. I've got to keep steering it back because last year when I promoted it, I just went on things trying to be funny. And then in the end, they'd be like, oh, by the way, I got to make sure I promote it.

Plug it. Plug it. F is for family on Netflix. And if you don't have Netflix, how dare you? How dare you try to live your life without Netflix? There's everything on it. Kids, my new TV, I got a new TV. It doesn't even, I mean, you don't even need something to get on Netflix.

Get on Netflix right through the TV. The TV hooks up to Wi-Fi, bam. You know what kills me is you won't be satisfied with that within 18 months. You think so? Because your neighbor will have something else. I don't know my neighbor. Oh, you got to know your neighbor. I had to meet my neighbor the other day because my daughter's drone flew into her yard.

Yeah, we got a drone. It sucks. How high up does it go? It goes high. It just doesn't listen to you. If you spend $150 on a drone, it doesn't listen. You got to spend like $500 and then they listen. The $150 one, it's like a vague suggestion.

And once it gets more than like a few hundred feet away from you, that fucking thing is not listening anymore. It just sailed right into her tree. So I had to go down and get it. Amazing video on those things. Oh, yeah. If you get a good one. Of people not wanting to be videoed. It is fucking weird, man.

I mean, there was a town in Colorado that passed a law letting you hunt them. So if you see one in the sky, you're allowed to shoot it down. I love it. Yeah. I love it. I like that, too. I used to have a bit about that when Amazon was going to start delivering packages. I go, that's going to be like down south.

It's going to be like skeet shooting with prizes. They're just going to shoot them down. What'd you get? What'd you get? That is what it's like. Yeah. Just absolutely fucking shoot those things out of the air. That's one of the, I, one time I was over at a friend's house.

We were at a pool and one just, yeah, just came over. He was just hovering over the pool looking at us like a fucking, my wife's there in a bikini and shit. I said, what are you doing? And like, I was like, you know, I had my usual overreaction. Like, is this how it's going to be? Is this the future? I will get a fucking gun. I don't give a fuck.

I will have a cardboard cut out of me so I can see in the video or some shit. Somehow I was going to get away with it. Just need a good bird gun, you know? Good 20 gauge. Just shoot it out of the sky. Something that scatters good. Get a good spread. You know what good 20 gauge. Just shoot it out of the sky. Something that scatters good. Get a good spread.

You know what would be great? You know what would be great is if you knew whose it was and you could have somebody filming their face when you shot their shit out of the sky. Despite their invasion of your own property, how wrong that they would feel. What's weird is there's no law above your house. Like if someone flew that into your house, it'd be a problem. If someone drove it into your yard, it'd be a problem. But if they hover over your house, yeah, it's airspace. That's fucking weird, right? How does that work with like, say if you wanted to fly over Kim Kardashian's house in a helicopter and take pictures of her, are you allowed to? How's that work? Yeah, there's noise ordinances.

Like, you can only fly so fucking low. How low? You're a helicopter pilot. Usually it's like, I wouldn't go lower than 700 feet, especially in Santa Monica. Those people, they hate that airport there, and they want all of those people out of there. They're killing that airport, you know?

They have been trying to do that forever. They are now, though. They're going to turn it into a park. All right. Yeah, they just passed it. I think it goes out in, I think it's 2020 goes under. They have three more years of airport. People are pissed, though.

All those people that live in Marina Del Rey and all those places around there with a lot of cash and they park their jet there, they're fucking pissed. The Malibu folks want to fly right in there and just... Oh my God, yes. Yeah. That was perfect. Well, now they have to go to Van Nuys. Torrance. they're fucking pissed the malibu folks want to fly right in there and just oh my god yes yeah that was perfect well now they have to go to van nuys torrents yeah um van nuys it's a rough you go to torrents you're gonna be in traffic for two hours uh yeah no that's all kind of amazing that

they passed that you know that those people couldn't figure out a way to bribe their way i'm sure in that airport but it's three years is a long fucking time do you remember new york city when they first had those videos you know advertising in the back of cabs and everybody's like these are making me car sick get these things the fuck out of here people had such a reaction to it they went away and then like a few years later they just came back just came back now everybody loves them they're fucking gross just touching that screen all of that it's bad enough being in the cab let's you just see the fingerprints it's bad enough opening and closing the door but i can't see the fingerprints those screens i i don't i don't like them well it's always loud too they're always loud and

they're playing you ads and some entertainment news tv show or something like that yep i feel like a hypocrite because i do advertising on my podcast so how mad can i get but i do draw the line when i go to pump gas. Like, hey, it's gas TV! They're just pumping it super loud. You do ads on your podcast, but you shit in the ads. I heard you doing an ad for MeUndies,

the new one where they're doing with the gay pride thing. And you're like, I see what you're doing. Yeah, that's what they're doing. It's just like, it's very hard to get, I think, straight guys to get into like, or animals. You know what I mean? We don't have the sense of style. Maybe you get a couple of metrosexuals, but yeah, I just felt like that was a great, like,

what can we pretend to care about that will get us to sell more underwear? And that was the way to fucking go. I just say things. I don't fucking know. I just felt like that was... Do to fucking go. I just say things. I don't fucking know. I just felt like that was... Do you wear them? You know what it really is? I have two pairs

and they're very Greg Louganis. I'll tell you. You got little ones? They're little ones and I put them on to make my wife laugh and she did laugh but she goes, no, I kind of like them.

I'm like, these are just too little. I get the boxer briefs. Oh, they have boxer briefs there? That's all I wear. I'm wearing them right now. I swear to God. I kind of like them. I'm like, these are just too little. I get the boxer briefs. Oh, they have boxer briefs there? That's all I wear. I'm wearing them right now. I swear to God. They're the best fucking underwear.

I'm joking. I'll show you. You know what? For some reason, I thought you would have the tearaway fight ones. Oh, the polka dots. That's great. That looks like the yogurt shit that they have. The yogurt shit.

Whatever that is. Sprinkles. TCBY. Sprinkles in your men's shoes. Fro-yo. All right, have I kept you here long enough? I think I have. Have you?

There's going to be traffic. You got to get out of here? I don't know. I just wasn't sure. You can. If the point you're showing me your underwear, I think we've kind of fucking covered it. Panic sets in. Yeah, we've kind of covered it.

If there's anything else you want to bring up, I'll... What have you shot lately? Animal-wise? I shot a pig a couple months ago. Oh, well, shit. Fuck the animals. What else did you shoot? Oh, just animals.

Oh, okay. I thought there was something else, though. No, no, no, no. I thought you were inching towards Bert Kreischer. I'll give you some pig meat. Damn, I don't have it here. Shit. You motherfucker.

I always get the elk. I'll give you elk and pig. Next time I see you. No, no, no. I still have the elk left over from the last time. Do you? Yeah. Okay.

I have plenty of elk. I want the wild boar. I'll give you like a quarter. Like a fucking real leg. Like a boar leg. Yeah, dude. A pig leg. I live in a house, man.

I don't have the fucking serial killer meat freezer that I know that you have. You just got to tell me when you're going to cook and I'll give it to you the day you cook it. Oh, all right. That's not going to cook and I'll give it to you the day you cook it. All right. That's not going to happen. No, no, no. That was one of those. No, I was just thinking I'll go on YouTube and fill out.

I'll go to fucking how to cook a pig leg. Yeah, we just got to slow cook it. Just slow cook. You could brine it first. I like to brine things. You know, you ever use those Yeti coolers? You know what a Yeti cooler is? It's like a super. It's cooler is? It's a very insulated

cooler. You can put ice in it and leave it outside in the sun and five days later it'll still have ice. So you take one of those, put some ice in it and some sort of a bucket, fill the bucket up with salt water and sugar. Yeah, a bunch of shit in there. Garlic, stuff like that.

And then brine brine the meat and then make it extra tender and ask your wife if she's a witch and then it's just like brining is just such an old school thing tie somebody to a steak and then uh at that point the uh you know what i heard they never really they weren't really burning witches at the stake that was they would drown them. I'm like, well, that's just as terrifying. Why didn't they? Nah, you got to go with drowning.

Yeah? Got to go with drowning. Why's that? Oh, dude. This is the, ah, for a fucking minute. That's it. You just take a big inhale. I think what they would do is if they would figure if you didn't drown, you were definitely

a witch. And if you drowned, they fucked up. They were like, my bad. Sorry. Witches. Somebody's doing something, because there's a lot of weird shit going on. How do you get out of that one?

Isn't that amazing, though, that that's what they used to think? They used to think that someone was doing witchcraft when things would go wrong. I don't think that's amazing, because I think that kind of thought has just slid into other shit that people think. Do you know what the root of it was in the Salem witch trials? They got a late frost and their bread.

Apparently when you get a late frost and wheat, you can get some weird mold that grows on the wheat. And this wheat was growing this type of mold called ergot. And ergot has the same properties as LSD. So these people were eating the bread and tripping their fucking balls off. And they thought that people... Wearing those dumb hats. Wearing those hats.

And they could even really freak you with a belt buckle on your hat. I have the belt buckle on your shoes. Remember we used to have those stupid buckles on their shoes, too? Yeah, I'm sorry. I did the... Go, go.

I did the comic thing. Go. I did the comic thing. Go ahead. No. Go ahead. Do it. So anyway, so they're tripping on this shit. So they thought that these people were bewitched. They thought they were getting witched.

They were getting hexed by witches. And so they had these people that they didn't trust, and they were freaking out because they were on acid. And that's like one of the primary theories. Isn't that crazy? You imagine being on acid in the 1700s? How much you'd be freaking out? Yeah. primary theories. Isn't that crazy? Can you imagine being on acid in the 1700s? How much you'd be freaking out?

Yeah. I mean, there's no information on it. Actually, I thought some of the original people, whatever you're supposed to call them now. Indigenous people? You're not supposed to say that. Natives? I fucking said that in Canada. Yeah, the OGs. In Canada, I think they call them original, First Nation.

First Nation. Yeah. They have a different call them original First Nation. First Nation. Yeah. They have a different name for them in Canada. First Responders. They got weird rules in Canada. Do you know they can go out at night with flashlights and shoot deer and moose? They flash flashlights on them all year round. They don't have any rules.

They have that in America, too. Like, they don't have, like, game laws for the Native American reservation areas. Like, they can just shoot elk. I thought you were talking about cops. No. With their flashlights. I'm actually doing a gig for the cops tomorrow. Are you?

What are you doing? Just something for the California Highway Patrol. Where? It's a good move. I don't know. Yeah, you can never know enough cops. Never know. Never know enough cops.

You have no idea when you're going to snap and you're going to need a cop to show up. Oh, Joe! Yeah. Get out of here. Get out of here. Come on. You're not hurt that bad, buddy. know enough cops you have no idea when you're going to snap and you're going to need a cop to show up oh Joe get out of here come on you're not hurt that bad buddy walk it off walk it off you'll be fine I think that all the motorcycle guys I want to talk I was hoping I was going to

meet some of the helicopter pilots because those fucking they fly at like 300 feet the balls those guys do they really yeah they're right. The balls, those guys. Do they really? Yeah, they're right over people's houses and they got to sit there in a fucking circle. Yeah. For like an hour.

They get nauseous looking at it. First move to LA, this girl I was dating, right outside of her house, someone broke into someone's house and they had the helicopter flying over the head. It was fucking creepy.

Like you look outside the window, you'd see the spotlight moving across the city street. Yeah. I've seen that going down to the improv. The building still exists. If you park just east of Crescent Heights, there's a building. And on the second floor, they have ceiling-to-floor windows.

And somebody broke in there, and they had, had like the helicopter spotlight was on it. And I watched two cops like a movie walking down that hallway with their guns drawn, slowly walking in, just sitting there like, what the fuck is this? Wow. Yeah, I was like probably like four months into moving here. The craziest shit I ever saw with cops live was on TV during the North Hollywood shootout. Were you in L.A. back then? I was in Vegas, but I was living in LA Yeah, those guys that had the head-to-toe body armor. Yeah, they had head-to-toe body armor trunks filled with guns

They were all steroid it up out of their fucking mind crazy probably on meth and just got some of that Yep, that was that was crazy tripping over that ergot yep that was that was crazy that was great we were uh on news radio it was uh we're in the the lunch room like our break room watching on tv going what in the fuck just they were live shooting from there dude i would have retired the next day as a cop i would have been like is this what the future is and i mean you're gonna give me this little fucking pea shooter like this is what i'm supposed to do i'm done yeah a lot of them did i'm sure i would have that would have been it when they were fucking crouched behind that car and that guy remember that guy spraying the yeah you know i love how people going like oh then they went up and shot the guy who's clearly

hurt there i mean yeah they wouldn't pull him away they let him bleed out he got shot under the vest he got like took one under the vest in the gut. And they let him bleed out. People were complaining. Good. Yeah, exactly. Good. That's what you get.

My mother would have said, well, you shouldn't have shot at the police. That's what you get. That's what you get. Now you're low. Maybe there's reincarnation. You'll learn next time. You're supposed to be above that if you're a peace officer for whatever reason. No, that's stupid. I agree. That's like an athlete's when someone says fucking crazy shit to your face. You're supposed to be above that if you're a peace officer for whatever reason no that's stupid i agree that's

like an athlete's when someone says fucking crazy shit to your face you're supposed to be above that no punch him right in a perfect world in a perfect world some woman on twitter the other day lady some lady on twitter was harassing donald trump and donald trump blocked her which is hilarious so she showed that donald trump blocked her and then is hilarious. So she showed that Donald Trump blocked her and then she said she's contacting a lawyer and she said that the president shouldn't be able to block her. And everybody's like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then people started harassing her, so she started blocking people.

And they're like, listen, you fucking crazy bitch. This is what's called a hypocrite. I'm just picturing him in the White House. You know, when you scroll with both your thumbs, just sitting there and typing like this is what he's doing. Blocking people on Twitter. Yeah, he blocks people. It's hilarious.

You know what else he does? He watches five hours of TV a day. How the fuck does he have time? I don't have time to watch five hours of TV a day. Successful people know how to delegate that's what he's doing he's delegating his time to the vice president i bet he looks at him like he's his ward and just you know military codes are over there and just i mean the nuclear codes yeah hannity's still on our team talking about me it's bad I don't know I look

I couldn't handle that fucking job dude Howard Stern had the funniest fucking take on him on Donald Trump was saying like

why the fuck would you take that job at your age yeah he goes you got like eight good summers left he goes

you're gonna spend that taking all this shit he just kept going back to that you got eight summers left. He kept yelling at you. That's a good take on it. Dude, it was fucking hilarious.

It was perfect. Yeah, why would you do that at the end of the day? You're a fucking billionaire. Just go enjoy your money. Ego. It could do it all. It could do it all, Burr. I could be the fucking president.

Is that because they trashed him at the brunch? 100%. He was like, fuck you. I'll show you. Because they mocked him, made fun of him. Because that was during the birther days. And they put him right you. I'll show you. Cause they, they mocked him, made fun of him because that was during the birthday. Put them right in the middle of the room. Yeah.

Do you know every roast is always that raw meat guy and you don't realize you're that guy until all of a sudden the roast starts. It's just like, Oh fuck. I'm the guy. I'm the guy for when everybody runs out of jokes for the guy that they're hosting, that they're,

that they're roasting. Yeah. Um, yeah, that's, it's brutal. Yeah. And he was, you know, and he said one thing to him

that was hilarious, like, but I'm one thing that you'll never be, and that's the president of the United States. That was one of the things that Obama said. Yeah, and he shut them all, and he had to fucking hand over the keys to the house. I mean, that had to have been... been Oh my God. You probably never saw it

coming. There's no way. There's no way this guy's gonna run. No way this guy's gonna win. No, and in a weird way, it was sort of like a reverse bully movie because it was the liberals doing it to him and they were totally bullying the guy. 100%. But he was bullying Obama with the whole fucking thing. The birther thing. Yeah, the birther thing, right?

So, I don't know. They're still going after that birther shit. I saw something yesterday on some website that was showing how they have all these different confirmed sources that are showing that the Obama birth certificate was fake. I hope it was fake. So, what do you do? Undo his presidency? It already happened. Yeah, what can you do?

But I hope it was fake. I hope he scammed the country listen the fucking the NBA had that mobbed up ref and he said that he fucked the Warriors

I mean the Kings out of that series against the Lakers no one's gonna take the fucking Lakers title away for that year what happened? really?

yeah is that real? yeah what is it? he was a referee who was fucking fixing games no

yep really? that's how much you don't watch sports I don't watch sports at all. No, it was fixed. Tim Donahue, 100% of NBA refs gamble. What?

What? That's crazy. No, but he's also like, he's in jail now. He's just trying to say shit, but like, I don't. This is the guy that was the ref that was in jail? Yeah, but like, he... Is that him right there? Yeah, he fixed games. He used to say, from in jail, he goes, you tell me who's reffing the game and I'll tell you who wins.

Wow. He spent 15 months in prison after pleading guilty to two charges of the case. He's out for... How much do you think he made? He joined Colin Cowherd Wednesday afternoon,

had a fascinating answer when asked what percentage. He said 100. Wow. No, that's... No. No? That 100. Wow. No, that's, no. No? That's not true. No, that's just a fucking

jailbird talk. I used to gamble on UFC fights way back in the early days. When I first started working for them, I was like, who gives a shit? I can't really affect the outcome.

So, like, many, many years ago, like, I would, they would, they'd bring in these guys, like, they'd bring in some guy from, like, Brazil that I knew about, and I would look at the line I'm like

you guys are out of your fucking mind this guy should be like a ten to one favorite and you got him an underdog I'm like oh I'm putting some money on that and I'd put some money on it but then after a while I was like this is probably not smart you know I don't think it's illegal because I can't it's not good for the company no it's also not good for me if I come off as biased anyway. You know? I've been accused of being a biased commentator anyway. Even worse.

He didn't tap out. Come on. Keep it going. Come on. Yeah. But that's a different kind of thing, though. Gambling when you're a referee is a big deal. Yeah.

And that's a game that's easily fixed. How do they fix it? What do they do? Because you can take stars out of the game by giving them foul deal. Yeah. And that's a game that's easily fixed. How do they fix it? What do they do? Because you can take stars out of the game by giving them fouls. Oh, is that what they did? Yeah. So what did this guy mobbed up guy do? You just sit people down. It's just like, if you're the best

player on the team in the first quarter, I give you two quick fouls. I'm not going to see you again until the second quarter. And I've never fixed a fucking game, but I mean I'm just, you know, I'm just I give you another one in the second quarter. And I've never fixed a fucking game, but I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm just, I give you another one in the second quarter. I don't see you till the next half. And at some point you're going to get mad.

If I keep calling bullshit fouls, I might get you on a technical foul. That saves me a ticky tack foul. And then that counts towards your fouls. And then two fouls, two technicals, you're out of the game. You're ejected. So was it obvious that this guy was doing fouls? I thought it was obvious that the NBA was kind of fixed for a while.

I was sitting going like, yeah, I went to a game one time, the Celtics versus Utah Jazz, and I'm watching the fucking game and like, just like, the game starts, they're letting them play, and then they're calling it tight, and then they're letting them play, then they're calling it tight. And it's like, there was never an ebb and flow in how they were calling the game.

It's like an umpire. You know, you see the first inning. The guy will step out of the box going, okay, that's a strike tonight? Okay, cool. Just finding out where your strike zone is. But like an umpire, if you start changing the strike zone, kind of changing sports on you here. It's like people are going to know, like, what the fuck's going on?

You've got to be consistent. So, like, with NBA refs, NBA games, you would watch, and it's just like, oh, they're calling it close tonight. Oh, he's letting the boys play. And, like, that was the game. They wouldn't just keep—obviously, if it got really out of hand, they would tighten down. But I never saw a game where it was just like you're pulling back on the range, you're letting them run, you're pulling back, you're letting them run. And it just made me feel like they were shaving points or something. I remember for years I said the game was fixed, and everybody said I was out of my fucking mind.

And then they find a guy who's all mobbed up and I go, damn, vindication. They go, oh, it's just one guy. Now, when you say mobbed up, like how was he mobbed up? What was the issue with that guy? It's just an expression. I don't want to get in trouble with anybody. But he was basically working for other people

that were part of a gambling that took bookies or whatever. Right. And he did something to make sure that the game leaned in that direction. Yeah. Like he couldn't totally fix it. So if a team was favored by eight and they wanted him to win by eight, he'd make sure it happened. It's probably easier to make sure they didn't by fucking over their offense. And then they would just, you you know they try to get money

like look if you're a legit bookie all you're trying to do is get an even amount of money on each side right okay because with the combination of people teasing and plus the juice and all of that you're going to end up on top you don't want a bunch of money all on one side and losing your fucking shirt so what these guys would do is you get greedy after a while. It's like, I'm sick of this ticky-tack shit. Let's go for a big fucking score. They wouldn't do it every game. They'd just, every once in a while, be like, all right, listen.

Here's a game, probably, you know. I don't know. I've never fixed a fucking game. I'm just guessing how they would go about doing it. Fix this one. All right, make sure these guys don't win by eight. So did this guy admit that he fixed it? Oh, yeah, he went to jail.

But he went to jail for gambling on it, right? No, he went to jail for fixing it. For fixing it. So what did he say? He said, like, he made fouls that weren't really fouls? Well, yeah, yeah, you do whatever you had to do. This is what his attorney submitted, saying the manipulation that happened during one game. Okay, so it was officiating a playoff series between Team 5 and Team 6 in May of 2002

is a six-game of a seven-game series, and a Team 5 victory that night would have ended the series. However, Tim learned from Referee A that Referees A and F wanted to extend the series of seven games. Tim knew Referees A and F to be company men, in quotes, always acting in the interest of the NBA, and that night it was in the NBA's interest to add another game. So the NBA wanted to fix it.

Yeah, for money. Whoa, the NBA fixed it. Referees A and F heavily favored Team 6. Personal fouls resulting in obviously injured players were ignored, even when they occurred in full view of the referees. Conversely, the referees called made-up fouls on Team 5. Look up the highlights of the Lakers-Kings game. It was ridiculous, the fouls that they were calling. But that's my thing, is when they said it was just one guy, it's like, how long could you be on an officiating crew

while one of your guys is dirty before you'd realize, like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Yeah. Well, what about the guys that were betting on the other team? I'd want to kill that fucking referee. Can you imagine if you saw him call fouls that weren't really fouls and you knew what was going on, you knew your money was going out the window? But I think they're really susceptible to it because the amount of money that NBA players make is fucking insane. Right. They make some of the contracts that they have coming up,

and there's so few guys on the team. And every year the draft, there's like two rounds in the draft. Fucking NFL goes on forever. There's 40-something guys on a team in the NFL. There's 20-something in baseball, 20-something in the NHL. And I think basketball, it's no more than 11 or 12 guys. So it's a very small group of people and the income that they're generating like their revenue share i don't know how that's all that's all like super sports nerd

shit like i don't know how that works but some of the contracts that they that some of these guys have been signing like they can afford to fucking pay that guy that so now you're a ref and you're running with your fucking black aerobic reebok sneakers up and down the court. The Velcro closures. Yes. And you're seeing the cars these guys are getting in and all the women hanging out. And you're on the stage, too. You're running up and down.

No one gives a fuck about you. And I don't know what the pension is for the NBA. But, like, if I was in the NBA, if I was running, I'd be like, we gotta fucking triple these guys' salary. Is this the salaries of the players or the referees? NBA players' salaries for right now. What about the referees though? So look at that. 35 million a year for LeBron.

That's just what he makes to play hoop. Right. Not about his sneakers. Most of their sneaker contracts are like more than what they make. It's fucking nuts. It's nuts. It's fucking nuts. It's nuts. It's a lot of cash. Hey, good for them.

I'm not saying they shouldn't make the money. Obviously, if people are putting it out there, earning it for them. Can you put up what a ref makes? Do you know who Mike Conley is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what's hilarious. I only know the biggest guys. That Mike Conley.

Some of you are like, ooh, that's Mike Conley. Who the fuck's that guy? I don't know who that is either. Guy made $30 million last year. He's the highest-paid player in the NBA. It's because the contract he signed. There's a guy named Mike Conley? Yeah, he's the starting point guard for the Memphis Grizzlies. Yeah.

Oh, there you go. But it's this amount of time. Like, his contract came up at the time last year when the rest of the guys are going to get more this coming year and the following year. The TV contracts have gone up, and there's a percentage they're going up each year based off of the TV rights, and that's why it –

I watched almost every Celtic game last year. I never heard Mike Conley. Mike Conley, that sounds like a fucking politician. He went to Ohio State. Same year as Greg Oden, who was that big bust, and he was his point guard. Is he still playing in China or no? No, he's actually an Ohio State assistant coach right now. He went back to school for a degree.

Playing in China. That's when it gets weird, right? You got to go overseas to Europe. You're playing for $100,000 a year. You're like, oof. I don't know. Sometimes if you're famous enough, they'll give you a little more. I don't know how that works either.

I don't know how a lot of shit works. I just know I have a show coming out called FS for Family. That's why I'm here. The average salary of an NBA ref is from $150,000 to $550,000. That's a big spread. What about the guy who's making the extra four? How's he getting extra four? Average salaries have spiked considerably since 1983,

when NBA officials made between $18,000 and $78,000 each season. $550,000 is not bad. That's a lot of scratch. So you'd have to give them enough money where they don't feel tempted to cheat. Right? Yeah. That's the problem with politicians. Right. You make $550,000 a year, you're making $50,000 a year more than the president.

So you're kind of like, those guys are set up to be like, here's a job that costs $100,000 to get and you're going to get paid $500,000. So you're just setting them up to have to cut deals with people. What do you think is going to get paid 500 grand. So you're just setting them up to have to cut deals with people. What do you think is going to happen with Trump? I have no idea.

I don't even know the highest paid guy in the NBA. I have no fucking idea. If you had a guess, though, do you think he's going to last? Yes. You don't think he's going to go to jail in the middle of this? No? No. I watched Clinton get impeached.

He stayed. Right, but Clinton got impeached for just not telling the truth about an affair. Nixon should have stayed. You think so? He should have just stayed and just been like, you know. All right, I bugged that room. I apologize to the American people. And that's it.

I think the stress is too much for them, though. When the whole world comes after him like that, everywhere you look, every newspaper. I think he'll be fine. He's fucking watching five hours of TV and he's on Twitter. Blocking people. I mean, what else is he eating? Blocking some girl insulting him. Eating a fucking peanut butter and fluffing another sandwich?

I mean, he's living like a fucking kid. Well, it's hard to see. When you read articles about him, it's hard to know who's writing the article and why they're writing it. Right? Like, are they writing this article because they really believe that he's gaining weight and he's solemn and he's down in the dumps? Or are they trying to just put that out there? Like, how the fuck do they know he's down in the dumps? They're just trying to sell papers.

How do they know he's sullen and comes home upset and he's gaining weight? He does seem like he's gaining weight, though. Seems like he's getting a little fat, a little depression. Well, I mean, there's obviously most of the people, it seems, in the media fucking hate the guy. So they're going to be just, he's just. Yeah. But that's how they chip away at you, right? Start talking about how you're coming home and you're depressed and you're despondent.

You're not listening to anybody. Yeah, how do they know that? How do they know that? Our sources say. How do they know that? Our sources say negative things about the guys we don't like. Well, you were talking about Tiger Woods on your podcast. I was listening to it on the way over here, and I totally agree with you. You're when Tigers world fell apart like how the fuck do you know like what do you did you talk to him?

Like you don't know him. Yeah, you didn't have a conversation. It was a brutal couple of years, but it was ten years ago Yeah, and in ten years He hasn't fucked up Other than this DUI so I mean yeah, he fucked up, but hey you know Yeah, I got busted for that shit in 89, so I'm gonna judge him right the DUI. So, I mean, yeah, he fucked up, but, you know, I got busted for that shit in 89, so I'm going to judge him? Right. The DUI, apparently he's on some back medication.

That's what it is. He mixed his medication. That's what he's saying. But they said he smelled like booze. But I don't know if that's true. Yeah, he should just take the hit. Just be like, ah, you know, I fucked up. I was hanging with the fellas and blah, blah, blah.

And I'm not condoning what the guy did, but I'm not going to sit there and judge the guy and be like, I was watching some guy and he was trying to say that, you know, he let us down. He sold himself as a family man. It's like you built that whole fucking narrative. Yeah. You built that whole narrative. I just watched him play golf.

All I ever want to do when I watch golf is watch those guys fucking crush it. I love John Daly. I love that he's like, fuck you, I like drinking. He just kept drinking. He was fat, smoking cigarettes. Big cut. And he would hit it a fucking mile, and I loved watching it. Well, Tiger always had a very bizarre style, apparently.

I don't play golf, but apparently people that I've talked to that explained to me the way he would hit the ball like it's not the way they teach you to do it but he could do it so well that way but he would put like ridiculous amounts of torque yes on his body on his body they said from the beginning that his body was going to break down if he keeps doing that there was a period where he adjusted his swing and he stopped uh he stopped winning then he came back again. And I just think that what they said, there was a bunch of guys. Earl Campbell, they said if he keeps running like that, he's wide open. He's going to have problems.

Bobby Orr, the way he played hockey, if you throw yourself around, you really beat the shit out of your body like that happens. And it just coincided with his personal life falling apart. So everybody goes, oh, that's the reason why, you know, somebody wins. That's the reason why somebody loses. Like, look, I'm not saying you don't go into a couple-year funk if your life falls apart in the personal area, but it's just like the rest of that shit, you know, that was, I mean,

that's just a bunch of hype. For him, it's like a double dump, though, you know? I mean, the thing happens personally with his personal life, and it happens publicly where everybody gets to see it. And then on top of that, his body's falling apart at the same time. No matter what he did. Yeah, no matter what he did. If he went to church every fucking week, he was going to fuck up his back and his knees.

And they did. But then they're trying to equate it to, you know, whatever. It's like, what he did was none of my business. It's none of my fucking business. I don't want to know about it. I hate knowing about, you know, whatever the, it's like, what he did was none of my business. It's none of my fucking business. I don't want to know about it. I hate knowing about, you know, I feel bad if somebody,

if their marriage falls apart, I feel bad if they get busted for drinking and dropping, you know? I mean, it happens if you fucked up and it's your fault, you should get punched.

But like, the cops are handling it. They arrested him. The courts will handle it. Yeah, but they need to talk about it. Do I need to pile on and start wagging

my fucking hypocritical finger at them? My pasty freckled? You don't have to because you're a comedian and you're funny and your take on things can be have some compassion, look at it for what it is, make fun, poke at it. But when you're one of those fucking straight up sports commentator guys, you don't have a whole lot of wiggle room as far as what you could say and what you don't say. And you got to go right down the middle and attack the principles. Yeah, go Disney. Yeah. I mean, what does this say about the fabric?

What about the ethics? Of our community. You know, the morals of our country. This creates a culture. Look at this. Tiger Woods is lost in every literal and figurative way. By Ian O'Connor. ESPN Sports Right.

Dude, that guy. The Tiger Woods you met in Jupiter, Florida. Police report is not the Tiger Woods presented to you by Tiger, his sponsors, and his reps. That Woods. Here's the thing. This is fucking ESPN. Those guys on TV, what they present

is not who the fuck they are. Yeah. Look at this. This is so ridiculous. They're saying that Woods is a new and improved human being since his extramarital sex scandal from hell. A better father and friend with or without a golf in his life. How do you fucking know what happened? I actually have sympathy for the guy who wrote this. Because he's got to.

Because he has to write it. You know, Connor has to sit down and be like, ah, Jesus Christ. How am I going to keep being a senior writer unless I act like this shit actually bothers me? You have to write something inflammatory. You have to write something salacious. You gotta. You gotta get people to click. You gotta get a lot of clickbait.

Why can't this fat fuck shoot off his fireworks in his own country? That fat fuck's dead. Wait a minute, his son. We do it all the time. We fucking light shit off in the ocean. Kill all this fish that people could have ate. Kill whales. Yeah, kill fucking whales with tests.

Yeah, and then this fucking guy shoots off a rocket, and everybody's like, whoa, whoa, hey, what are you doing? Well, he's threatening us, Bill. Huh? He's threatening America. Dude, I, you know, I- He's worried that we're coming after him. I love a shit talker.

Do you? We probably are. Oh, we are, for sure. With Trump? I pitched this on somebody else's podcast. What they should do is they should eliminate war and then what it is is your leaders go into the octagon. They're not allowed to work out or anything.

Not allowed to work out. No, they go in the fucking octagon. So you get to see like right now, who's your number one world leader? I got to go. Putin. Putin, yeah. 100%. He's a judo black belt.

Is he? Yeah. He looks like he'd fucking headbutt you. Yeah, he's a judo black belt. He'll fuck up every other world leader. 100%. Just picture him choking out Trump. 100%.

He would kill Trump. He would trip him, throw him to the ground, kick him in the face. Can you imagine the sound of his foot hitting the side of this guy's son's belly? Just a nice fucking liver shot would be the funniest shit ever. And everybody sits there and like whatever you, whatever the dispute is. Yeah. This is our territory the dispute is. Yeah. This is our territory. This is your territory.

It's just solved with world leader, mixed martial arts. You go and you can do whatever you want. It'd be like the early days of that shit where the guy came in with the one boxing glove. Like Trump could still wear his tie. Walking in with like the little tight shorts on. And he could keep wingt tight shorts on and he can keep wingtip shoes on if he wanted to

he can do whatever the fuck he wanted to do within reason I don't want to just be too violent but they just have to fucking oh dude it'd be hilarious

because first of all that fucking doesn't the son have to wear glasses too in the Kim Jong Il part 2 the sequel the son Kim Jong Il yeah does two, the sequel. The son?

Kim Jong-un. Does he wear glasses? Yeah, so he'd have to come in with the Kareem goggles, you know, prescription level. Like a basketball player? If they make those in North Korea. You know what I mean? You'd have to get them from China. China will send them to him.

They're friends. Just solve it that way. Dude, did you have your laptop custom painted? That looks like a better color than mine. No, the new ones come in two colors. They come in a dark gray or a light gray. Oh, that's it. It's a dark gray one.

I have to throw mine out. I'm going to personally put mine in the ocean. Do you have the brand new one that gives the fingerprint thing? I'm personally throwing mine in the ocean. Don't do that. To kill some sea life. Give it to poor kids. And what do they do?

See all the porn I used to watch? And then they fucking start shooting missiles off? Start shooting missiles off. All right, dude. Bill Burr, get out of here before the traffic gets bad. Thank you missiles off. All right, dude. Bill Burr, get out of here before the traffic gets bad. Thank you so much. My pleasure, brother. Thank you for the offer of the pig leg.

I'll take that off you next time. F is for family. Today. It's one of the funniest fucking shows you will ever watch in your life. It's on Netflix right now. Go binge. Binge, you freaks. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. That was fun. That worked. So good. So good.