The Joe Rogan Experience - #976 - Morgan Murphy

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

Morgan Murphy is a stand-up comic, comedy writer, and actress.

People like it's not natural. I say what the fuck is natural? Powerful Morgan Murphy we are live We are live we are live. How are you? Fuck's going on. Is that a Spaceballs t-shirt you wearing? No, it's on? Is that a Spaceballs t-shirt you're wearing? Uh, no, it's um, it's a no limit

soldier t-shirt. Oh, shit, like Master P? Whatever happened to that dude? Mystical. He's got a weed store, I think. Sea Murder. Ooh, Sea Murder. Isn't he in jail for murder? How odd. There's a lot of, uh, yeah, a lot of people are in jail for murder right now. It's very big. Yeah,

you don't have to do your entire life, though. I used to think that every time you murder someone, that's it. You go to jail for life. When people get out of jail for murder,

that seems a little fucked up. Doesn't that seem a little fucked up? A little fucked up to have to... I always... I wondered if they go back to their hometown

where they murdered somebody. That's always the fucked up part to me is going back to the place where you're the town murderer. Yeah. always the fucked up part to me is like going back to the place where you're the town murderer. Yeah. It's fucked up

that in a moment of just to freak out you could change your whole life. Your life's fucked and the other another person's life just isn't around anymore.

Just stops. Done. Yeah. The finality of it all. It's crazy. It's a little uncomfortable. I don't want you snapping. I feel like you could snap.

I'm not a snapper. Are you? I'm super calm. Really? Yeah, pretty much. Especially in like physical altercation type stuff.

I'm very aware of consequences. What if you were on like your 10th lift of something, like an aggressive workout and you're in the middle, you have all the,

you know, all your energy is just moving forward and you're lifting your kettle, you have all the, you know, all your energy is just moving forward and you're lifting your kettle thing and it's number 10 and someone just comes in and like tells you your mom's stupid. I would be even less likely to do anything because I'm already exerted. I get it. I think of the body.

This is a shitty theory with no biology attached to it at all. But I think the body is like a battery. And I think almost like maybe a battery if a battery was a bucket. And this thing can overflow. And I think that's what you get when you get road rage. That's what you get when you get people that snap for no reason. I think they're already coming at you at like eight. They're not like, hi, I'm Morgan.

Hi, I'm Joe. And we meet each other at zero. I think some people are meeting you. They're already at six. And they're just to snap right? There's nothing to do with you They should have let a little out at the Starbucks a little out in the car a little out You know at home with the kids and then and then they wouldn't murder anybody at the end of it and people will say well You know you just need to work on your breathing and well you need to work on your your being present And you need to be mindful.

And I think all those things are correct, but I really think that your body has a certain amount of requirements. And I think depending upon your stress level, those physical requirements might be higher, right? Like if you have a job and your job is like some high level accountant at some big firm and you're crunching numbers and it's fucking stressful as shit. I feel like your body thinks that there is some physical danger involved in this. And I think your body amps up for that.

And then when the physical danger doesn't come, your body is just fucking primed and ready to go. But there's nothing. There's no action. There's no fucking action. This fucking cut cut me off. And then they start doing that shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. They get in their And then they start doing that shit. Fuck you! Fuck you! They get in their car and they're just, fuck you, fuck you!

Because in your car, you're ramped up even more. Because in your car, you're aware that you have to be... You have to be really acutely aware of everything that's around you. You have to make sure that no one's making any mistakes, because you're all going 65 miles an hour, and a little error can happen really quickly. So you're on edge already because you're all going 65 miles an hour and a little error can happen really quickly. So you're on edge already when you're in your car,

even if you're calm. Even if you're calm, you're in your car, your sensors are tuned in. If you're fucking paying attention, if you're a healthy human being, you're looking left, you're looking in the mirror, you're looking right, you're checking to make sure that you're okay.

You're making sure that no one's doing anything stupid. And then you compound that with the stress of your daily life with no physical release. Right. We don't have animals chasing us anymore. And we don't have invading tribes. That would be fun, though, to have a buffalo chase you all day.

And then you would release the proper amount of energy given the threat. It would be realistic. We'd have a more realistic population number, too. I like it. That would be one thing. We don't like that, though. Whenever anything gets too close, we just kill them off. Yeah.

Just kill them off. Fuck that. Fuck having buffaloes everywhere. Fuck. Kill them. Fucking kill them. Stop. Stop.

There's consequences. I gotta go to work. Kill it. Kill it. That's a bigger problem right now in America. Do you know that they reintroduced wolves into America in the 1990 1990s now there's this giant debate whether or not wolves should be here really where'd they do that yellowstone oh yeah i think they're badass but you got to keep an eye on the fuckers yeah i got a lot of coyotes in my uh in my neighborhood a lot of i have a lot

of coyote neighbors yeah super common all common. I see them all the time. I had a biologist on who tracks coyotes. That's what he does. Oh, he does track coyotes around Los Angeles. And he's like, dude, they're fucking everywhere.

Yeah. So they were living in middle of downtown LA in the most crowded area. They had a den. It's crazy. Yeah, I call my neighbors when there's a coyote.

If I see a coyote going up their driveway, I go, hey, there's a coyote or i call them if uh somebody knocks on the door asking for money for some organization everyone gives each other an alert oh that's coyotes or uh you know people for environmental la or whatever yeah those people just knocking on your door oh that's a bad feeling i gave them money for bees one time they got They got me all nervous about bees and saving the bees and I was like, oh shit, I gotta save them. I really went from like, I'm having coffee

and a cigarette to like, oh, I gotta save the bees now. It's my responsibility to solely do it. Doesn't that also depend on where your head's at, right? Like, if your head is in a really good place and someone knocks on the door and you don't know who they are, it's cool. You're like, hi. You're like, hi, we're here to save chimpanzees. You're like, oh, okay like hi. We're here to save chimpanzees You're like oh, okay, like what do you what do you guys do and then you start talking to them?

Well if they can like within a minute make you understand something you didn't understand before you're like oh shit now I got to pay attention right they sucked me in because I wasn't aware of our bee situation Oh, so they immediately hit you with some facts. They hit me with some facts. I was like oh boy Now how are they gonna save these bees? I don't know with my $40, I think. Just take this paper and just go handle it, son. Go handle it. Yeah. If the bees die, we're dead. We're all dead apparently. Yeah. Except in China, they figured out a way to pollinate things with just a brush. There was an issue where they were really low on bees and they tried reintroducing bees and didn't take. So last ditch effort was they took people with a paintbrush and they dusted the pollen on all these different plants. Like one at a time? Yeah. Yeah. They literally pollinated

all these plants and apparently it worked way better because bees are sort of non-specific. Like bees are just going over there and they're doing their thing and they just get shit on their body and it transfers over to the plants. It's really kind of fascinating how it works. But these people did it very specifically with a paintbrush. It's really interesting. It's hard to do a bee's job as a person. See if you can find the video of it. It's kind of fucking weird.

Because like you could make the argument like we don't really need bees. Unless you want honey honey's not even really good for you how about that that was going through my head and then they explained to me why we need bees which i forgot but it was enough i had a guy come to me at whole foods this is my most intrusive i think the most intrusive is when you're in the parking lot at whole foods because that's when they usually get you when you're walking out they try to get you right as you're walking out. It's fucking hot outside and you have like ice cream and shit.

You're like, hey, dude. You also have like 17, you know, $17 ice cream. So they know you have a they know you have a few bucks. That's right. Now, because of Amazon, we won't have to do that anymore. Amazon just bought Whole Foods. So just just be able to one click your shit. But this guy, he hits me up

Stops me in the middle like stops me stands in front of my car puts his finger up Do you have one minute for gay rights? Like what's it's not again one minute is not gonna help shit man. Like what are you talking about? I vote like what do you want me to do? Want me to donate? So what's this one minute? What are you gonna tell me? What are you gonna tell me? You're not gonna tell me shit. I go no I do not I Vote for gay rights though. Take it easy, man. Like you fucking, that's an annoying activist. What Whole Foods was this at? Woodland Hills. Oh, all right.

Right here, right up the street. All right. I was trying to like figure out politically where that Whole Foods aligns. I don't know what the deal is, like where they're allowed to have people. This was a couple of years ago, honestly. I still complain about it because I'm kind of a whiny bitch. But I don't know what the deal is. Are you allowed to just set up shop anywhere and put one of those picnic stands? They have one of those little plastic tables.

They sit down and they show you a picture of a baby with a bloated belly. Yeah, you hope it's Girl Scout cookies and it turns out to be just a horror show. Yeah. Pending apocalypse. I almost think like when I see someone, like some kids selling lemonade or something like that, I'm like, oh, this is like, you guys are doing like a throwback thing.

Oh, yeah. I almost feel like, oh, you guys are doing like an old time. You're making your own butter. Look at your kids. I think this is not sustainable. This is not a real thing anybody does anymore. You got a lemonade stand? Okay.

How did you make it? Did you get a horse and ride your horse over here with this lemonade stand? There's always parents now helping the lemonade. You can't do it alone. You can't do anything alone anymore. Always. There's always parents there. And it's always those helicopter parents.

Don't touch the money, Billy. Don't put your mouth. I would sell, when I was a kid, I would take my books and don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don in the front yard. She didn't see me or ask me anything. Different times. Different times. Parents were just, they just let you out. They let you out, but I was,

this was like in the 80s, which was prime. I mean, that was like, that was, kidnapping was hot. You know? Your mom had faith in your avoidance skills, maybe.

Yeah. Yeah, you think about like how people used to raise people. Like, everybody I talked to, they just let their kids out. Like, when you were, you know, you were my age, I'm 49. When I was seven, 42 years ago, they just let you out of the house.

I used to get kicked out of the house, but I was given a time I had to be back. It was a very broken system of get out, but come back by five and don't walk under the uh overpass tunnel like i was given rules that's where the trolls yeah i was given rules like what year did they stop doing that like just letting kids out like when did that stop because everyone my age says the same thing they said when we were kids did you get just let out of your house jamie yeah jamie's young how old you Jamie 34? He's younger a lot of 22 year old like the fucking dudes old as shit, bro Somebody call me a geriatric on Twitter the other day. How dare you?

Dare you but if you uh if you're Jamie's age you got let out we would ride our bikes miles away from our house Yeah, but you lived in the woods. No, down like Columbus. That's the woods, man. You might as well be. I grew up in LA and I would walk down Ventura Boulevard, which is practically a thoroughfare when you're a kid. Oh, God.

And I would walk past. They had these motels where the door opened directly to the sidewalk. You know those motels? Oh, yeah. Those are the best. And that was where I was sure I was going get kidnapped an arm was gonna come out and grab me In so I would walk and then I'd hop Past the doors the motel doors those motels to pay my beeper bill those are weird places yeah

Pay your beeper yeah, I had a beeper at a pager I was like 12 and that was like what I saved up all my money for it's everyone had one And no that made messages? Yeah, I had all that shit. And I would walk down to J&J beepers in Studio City and pay in cash. It's like a 12-year-old, my beeper bill. Do you remember JJ King of Beepers? Is that it?

I think it's the same LA. There was a lot of J&J. I feel like people stole the name. I forgot about that dude the king of beepers yeah i had turquoise clear you had a clear beeper those were slick that's some star wars shit i'd be i'd page myself so that i had messages in there so people looked at it i had no friends the king of beepers this is jj beepers las vegas oh well he was in la too i don't know if the same guy or maybe like it's one of those things where it's like kleenex like all the other guys like that's the right name for it let's just start calling ourselves kleenex you know like it became

do you think it was all jj like there's pink like how there's Pinked Out, but there's also Pink Elephant. I think people just kind of steal a little. Pink Pinks? They probably started it. The hot dog place? Oh, yeah. Never been. That's the biggest weird fucking event in LA. There's a goddamn line of people to buy hot dogs.

Nobody from LA. Well, here's the thing. Put hot dogs on a regular fucking menu. Good luck. Better not buy a lot of hot dogs. If you have a regular restaurant and you have hot dogs as one of the offerings, how often do people, is it even one out of ten? You get a hot dog if it's like one of two options.

Like at Burbank Airport, you can get a hot dog or like a pre-packaged salad. And occasionally I'm like, you know, I want something fresh like a hot dog. Or a turkey sandwich that's sort of moist in some weird way yeah the bread's kind of wet like what the fuck is this yeah right wet bread in lieu of uh mayo or condiments and of course it's sporting events the ufc they always have hot dogs a lot of hot dog at a sporting it's good uh it's good food for a sporting event for you know it's recreational food right? Picnics and barbecues. Always hot dogs, right? It's a good move for a barbecue.

It's simple. You can't really fuck it up. If it looks brown on the outside, it's done. It's already cooked. You can eat it raw. It doesn't need to be cooked. You can eat it right out of the package. It's a good move for that. Somehow or another, Pinks has convinced people just by cooking outside.

They just have a big open area where they're cooking right in front of you. And everybody's like, oh, I want one of those. And there's a fucking line. I think the line is why people go. People just go for a line. And the line is outside. You can see the line. Yeah.

It's not like Astro Burger at 2 a.m. where you can't see the line. The line is exciting. It's what draws tourists. I think that's Jamie Mas where you can't see the line. The line is exciting. It's what draws tourists. I think that's Jamie Masada's strategy. See the line? He's always got that crazy line outside the Laugh Factory. And he makes the comics wait in line, too.

Really? Do you not know the deal? I haven't been in a little while, but no, no, no. I don't know that. Their open mic deal is kind of nuts. Like you have to get there at like 9 in the morning and you wait outside. And if you leave, you lose your spot, so you have to like have some sort of a friendship with the other comics Yeah, yeah, yeah

The Comedy Store had a situation in the open mic when when I was started was like 15 years ago. I would Bobby Lee was the host of the open mic and he knew I had to I was in college I was in school and I was in class so I couldn't go all day and wait. So he would slide my name into the open mic, and I would get to come after class. That's sweet. It was real cute. But the open mics were always weird, right? They're always weird.

And in L.A., they're extra weird because there's so much. I feel like if you can make it to be a professional comedian and you started out in L. LA, you're a rare person. Well, it's 50-50 comedians and then just mentally ill transients who are also comedians. Who are also comedians. You just wait and you go, all right, it's going to be my friend. And then it's going to be that guy who has all of his belongings with him. And then it's going to be my other friend. And then it's going to be that guy who has all of his belongings with him. And then it's going to be my other friend. And then it's going to be that

crazy lady. And then it'll be me. And you just wait, wait and wait and wait. And you just wonder what kind of fucking diseases are just festering on that microphone. And also just what's the point of this? What am I doing? Right. Especially in the beginning. Yeah. To have vision and hope. Like what was your initial goal when you first started doing standup? Um, really simply, like, uh, I think it was, I knew I liked writing a lot, like even before I started doing standup and I think standup, uh, I've tried to figure it out. The, the, the, the easiest way to explain it, I think is that I just wanted to see if what I was writing was funny.

And so that's sort of why, even when I started, I mean, I'm still deadpan, obviously. But when I started, I was so dry because I was essentially just reading out loud these thoughts I had with no real performance background. And I wasn't necessarily a performer at heart. So I was just reading one-liners and going, is this funny? Is this funny? Is this funny? Get a laugh, keep it. Don't get a laugh, necessarily a performer at heart. So it was just like reading one-liners and going, is this funny? Is this funny? Is this funny? Get a laugh, keep it. Don't get a laugh, throw it away. But if you, if you throw it away, like you never know sometimes, is it, is it me? Is it the way I'm delivering it? Is this joke, is it a good idea, but it's kind of, it's done wrong. Yeah. And then at that time too, you don't that time, too, you don't have the ability to perform at 100 different places,

so you're not going, okay, it works in the alternative room, but it doesn't work at the club, or it's just like, oh, well, it didn't work at the laundromat, but it worked at the coffee house. I wonder what that means about this joke. Right, it's like jokes that'll work at the UCB,

but they bomb on the store. Yeah. Like, why? What's going on? Like, why'd that get an applause break at the UCB but they bomb on the store yeah like why what's going like why did that get an applause break at the UCB and they just fucking stared at me in the main room following Rick Ingram they just stared at you sometimes that UCB is hot I mean that's just any word that comes out of your mouth it's weird and then sometimes nope it's a weird place it's weird they don't pay too that. That's also super weird. Yeah, I think if I was, I'd be a little less, I'm not even that upset.

I'm not upset about it, but I feel like I'd be less upset if I was, like, involved in the school and realized that it's, oh, it's so kids can take classes at, like, a decent rate. I think, isn't that what it's for? So that kids can take really cheap classes there? Isn't that what it sustains? Like, the shows? What kind of classes do they have?

They have like comedy classes. Improv and shit. Oh. Can you teach? Well, maybe you can teach improv, huh? Do you believe you can teach stand-up? I believe you can teach somebody. I think you can help somebody, encourage them to get on stage.

But I don't think you can teach the ability to be funny. No. I don't know what, you know, stand-up in what capacity. Like, I guess you could teach somebody to, you can mold their thoughts into jokes and help them and shove them on stage, but I don't know what kind of comedian that makes. Yeah, I feel like, boy, it's one of those things where I've learned a lot about it,

so I always wonder, like, maybe you can teach something, because I've definitely learned some shit. Well, yeah, I mean, people, you know, I think there are, if you find out your favorite comedian, you know, sits down and writes an hour a day at a Starbucks or whatever, you go, oh, maybe I'll try that. Like little tricks and things like that but I don't know I don't know anyone who's you know who I deeply deeply admire who would credit all their success to their comedy

classes no well there's not enough classes that'd be like a real poor focus group but I know Ari did an interesting thing a while back where he used to go to a town like when he was doing stand-up And like he was headlining for the weekend He would go to a town and he would do like a free seminar for the local comics Tell them like this is how you get a manager Stop asking people to take you with them on the road when you're two months into comedy stop asking You know managers to handle you Like you just got to get good first and give them all this advice about like getting an agent and you know. Yeah. I went,

uh, I went to a pen, you know, you pen recently and I was talking to some students and I don't, I don't like fancy myself like an instructor of any kind, but they were asking me, you know, about comedy writing specifically and stuff. And the advice I gave was very practical and had nothing to do with the craft, which was just like, don't be annoying in the room. Don't, you know, like in a TV, like in the writing for like a TV show and like jokes don't work. Don't go. That didn't work. That's not your job to say that. Like that kind of shit. Just like how to get through the first year without annoying everybody I think that's not like taught right

Yeah, no one ever does that shut up like shut up is a great rule. You can make big mistakes Yeah, you could be a person that nobody wants to work with you. It doesn't matter how talented you are. Yeah That's a hope writers oftentimes are very awkward, right? They can be it depends like the rooms are very awkward, right? They can be. It depends. Like the rooms are very split into, when I got into like sitcom stuff, like it's just very split into very just internal kind of what you would typically think of as like a writer. And then there's a couple of comedians sprinkled in there who kind of bounce more jokes around.

It's just a, when people who are just good at structure. Hmm. Yeah. That's an interesting thing the people that are good at structure because sometimes they try to be funny sometimes but it's not you know once you fight the thing i like about like those rooms obviously it's so much fun to be in a room with comedians but once you realize oh that person can do a thing i can't and i can do a thing they can't yeah you start You start to realize like, oh, we could go into a room and get a lot of work done together. That is the thing, right? It's like lining up the pieces. No matter how much you want a square and a circle to line up, they just don't seem to.

And when you have like a writer's room or anything like that, I think a big part of it depends on just the fortunate chemistry of all the people coming together. Yeah. on just the fortunate chemistry of all the people coming together. Yeah, and that first day where you show up, if it's not your room and you haven't hired anybody and you don't know who's there, is terrifying. Because you show up and you know within five minutes if this is going to be a fun X number of months or if you're just going to be trudging through.

What's the biggest shit show you ever had to work on? I've had really tremendously good luck as far as like just working with friends and stuff on so many things but i worked on a award show once and the boss basically didn't let me write jokes like didn't they needed to hire a woman and i guess i was recommended and uh and he just he i was like i'll take a stab at these jokes and he was like no no just write the the banter where it says like coming up next is this person, I was like, I'll take a stab at these jokes and he was like, no, no, no, just write the banter where it says like, coming up next is this person and I was like, well, anyone can do that.

He just literally wouldn't allow me to write jokes. So you got hired as a joke writer and then once you got there, he just wanted you to write narrative? Just banter, just like, you know, like our next guest is, you know, from The Hangover and please welcome him does this is that what they call it they call it banter like when you're writing

things it's yeah well no i mean like that in my 20s i wrote on a lot of award shows so there's like the jokes the monologue all that stuff and then there's just the going out to commercial and coming back in all that stuff has to be written right and sometimes they try to make it funny and sometimes they don't but do you break it up you guys break it up in terms of like this is the these are the jokes this is the banter this is the narrative this is the structure yeah the last i mean i was just writing on the the nba awards that are going to be on in um i think the 26th of uh of the month uh drake is hosting on tnt and it's just like it's you know i mean i've written on i've written on the ss before, so this is like that, but for just NBA and

we've been doing, you know, it's a combination of like, I read a lot of monologue jokes. There's other guys who are better at sketches, like, like film sketches, tape pieces, there's live comedy stuff on stage. Then there's, you know, like I said, like the kind of a little more boring, like this next person, uh, you know, two time said, like the kind of a little more boring, like this next person, you know, two time MVP. So why this guy hire you? You really think he hired you just because you needed a woman? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, I know he did. That's so crazy. Yeah, I knew it all. I knew it all when it was happening. Ew. Wouldn't even let you try? No.

That's foolish. Yeah. yeah that was weird. Wouldn't even let you try? No. That's that's foolish. Yeah it was it was it was bizarre and it was it was the only case of uh like you know sexism that I think I've been confronted with which is I mean I guess lucky in 15 years I don't feel like I've you know I've had that and I was on I mean for years and years and years I worked with another woman. I was the only girl, and everyone treated me great. It's a tougher road for comics to be a woman. Yeah, I can't. I mean, it's so funny now. It's so hard to, the landscape right now, I think so many women are being given chances that didn't even exist 10 years ago.

Yeah. So it's interesting to see. So it's interesting to see. But I never had, I don't know, I never had like those kind of sexist roadblocks, if that makes sense. Well, I think that like starting and developing as a female is more difficult. Just from my personal observations, because men a lot of times don't want to laugh at women. They definitely don't want to laugh at women telling them things about like politics or world events. Right.

Like a woman that seems informed, like for whatever reason, they'll tolerate a guy, especially if it's a guy like Ron White, right? Distinguished looking gentleman with silver hair. Absolutely. One of my favorites. Beautiful voice. If Ron's up there and he tells people something about some sort of a fact, like people will sit back and listen.

Oh, I didn't know that if a woman gets on stage and tells a man or group of men about a fact that it's very rare they're gonna go wow i didn't know that that's amazing what the fuck does this bitch know like right so there's that there's that's that's a that's a roadblock and then the other roadblock is um well there's a lot. You can do sex jokes now. Obviously, Sarah Silverman kind of broke a lot of that down where so much of her act was just straight, dirty, and hilarious. And then Amy Schumer, of course, and a lot of other people. But it's still, when you're developing,

when you're starting out, it seems like it's more of a difficult world to navigate than a guy telling sex jokes. Yeah, it of a difficult world to to navigate than a guy telling sex jokes yeah it's it's it's a difficult world and it's also like socially it's uh it's it's the i think the precarious i i'm it's interesting because what i realized when i was you know 1920 was you know you like that that aspect of people like dating in the scene and all that kind of stuff, all that happens too. And I found that if a woman who was newish around like my level of time was dating somebody else, they were automatically looked at as like a comedy groupie.

And that was the thing that didn't apply to men. That was the one part where I was like, I don't, I don't quite get that. Like I knew. That's not totally true because I've seen some guys that are dating like famous women. Right. And they're sort of like underling sort of men. Sure. Stand up comics.

And everybody treats them like they're a comedy group. You think? A hundred percent. I saw that a lot when I was, when I was younger that the, the opposite where it just, I didn't see men getting tagged with that, uh, with that label and that, but that I was so scared and paranoid of being, I was, I was so scared of being considered anything other than a comedian that I like

for years and years, didn't date anybody, uh, in, in comedy at all because I was worried that if I showed up to a show with a guy who, you you know potentially was more successful than me then the first thought would be she's the girl who's with that guy not she's the girl who's going up next not just that but she's with that guy because of this right yeah

she thinks that's going to be the path when in fact there's a lot of people with legitimate relationships of where that's not the path that just you you're attracted to somebody and you know eventually I you know I made my way through a few people. It's just another prejudice. It's just one of those things. Another prejudice that you have to sort of overcome. If you actually like someone and they happen to be a comic though,

what the fuck do you do? You say if you like someone and they happen to be some big time comedian, what are you supposed to do? Not like them now? And they like you? Are you going to not like them. That's stupid, too.

It is stupid. But I was I was I was terrified of I don't know. I just I think I was very eager to to impress. I don't know. I was very eager to prove myself. And maybe that is partly, you know, being a woman, as much as I didn't find it harder, I did find myself wanting to prove any stereotype that anyone might have about me wrong. Right.

I don't feel as much of that as like a mission anymore. I just am who I am. But I think you have a lot wrapped in your head when you're young. Especially when you really aren't stable as far as financially. You're really not a real professional anymore. Or yet. And then once you become one,

once you're established in the community, after a while it's like, what am I wasting my time even thinking about this shit for? So I think it's harder for chicks to develop. But I think once they become good and once they get out there, there's a lower bar.

I don't know. I think there's I think the bar is this. I think the bar is the same height for most good people. And then there's like another bar that's like higher for the greats. You what i mean i just think like i don't think the bar is lower for women i think it's lower for people who are not as famous not as successful not as established not as good but i don't know if that like i just i don't know i think it's i think the bar is the same for men and women i just think it's uh there's a there's a few different bars. What I mean by that is that I think that it's easier to get a lot of attention early on if you're good and you're a woman. Because there's not that many of them.

Yeah, sure. I think it's, yeah. I mean, I would apply that to any person who's something that is rare in comedy. Right. Like a specific nationality. But then you have to prove yourself. You always have to prove yourself. I mean, and then, I don't know.

I see comedy too in these, there's so many different factions to me. There's people who are so great at standup and then as a writer and somebody who tries to make, like, you know, projects and wrap them around people, I also see so many people who I go, that's not my favorite standup. That's not a great standup in my opinion, but that's somebody I would love to write for. That's somebody I'd love to put in a show.

Like, so I see all these like columns of comedians and I judge people accordingly. And I think there are legitimately comedians who are not like, they're never going to be, you prior carlin or lou or anybody like that but you go oh i would i would put them in 100 tv shows as a funny person oh yeah so i i don't know i tend to like look at it from that perspective too where i see i see the potential almost in spite of the material sometimes well there's definitely that you know and there's also like the the difference between those guys and the guys that are in like funny movies like Adam Sandler type movies. Sure.

It's got a gang of those guys that are always in those movies and they might not necessarily be the best stand ups or the kind of guys you want to see, but they're great in those movies. I mean, who's, I don't know, in that group, like my favorite stand-up is probably Norm, who, I mean, I went to go see the, they did a Netflix movie and they had like a tour with all the actors, you know, the comedians from it. And it couldn't have been a bit different group of comedians. Right. And you go, okay, well, Norm's my favorite stand-up there. the lead of like a you know adam sandler movie probably not but he's the person i would go to any theater any room any you know any any a coffee house whatever it is to go see yeah it's it's one of those things i guess when you're you you look at you look at things in categories like you know that kevin hart does his own stand-up but you also know that he does movies where other people write the lines and i'm sure he helps make them funnier and all that stuff. But he's reading a script, essentially.

Yeah. And then there's people that go on stage doing stand-up. And, you know, like, you could be like, I guess you could be like a really amazing performer. And just have some wizards behind the scenes that write for you. And you could make a fucking incredible stand-up act yeah it's it's that stuff's so interesting but it's rare yeah i have a very specific like you know if i was to boil down the stand-up that i you know the stand-up comedy that i love and respect the most it has nothing to do with tv and has nothing to do with it has it's just

comedians and who they are on stage and that's you know that's how i judge who i love and don't love uh uh as a comedian but there's so many other factors in show business that you have to sort of take into consideration i mean we like a lot of people who are very famous who might not be the very best but we know them the most right well what i was going to say is that when you're doing stand-up, though, for whatever weird reason, the people that we all love the most are almost always people that write for themselves. Yeah.

And it's very difficult to get, like, say, you're not going to get Bill Burr to write for some CAA creation. Like, say if CAA has some fucking comic, he's got perfect cheekbones, and he's got a great way of delivering jokes, but he's not capable of writing the right level of material. One of the problems is a guy like Burr

writes for his own mind. He writes for his own thing. I'm sure he could write for that guy, but he's not going to get the best stuff. It's just not going to be the same. Well, that's, yeah, I mean, I've never, I think we've all taken like a tag or a segue or something where a friend goes, dude, add this to your joke, and you feel like you already wrote it. I mean, I had like a three-year fight with somebody in my 20s over who wrote a joke, and I thought he did, and he said I did in a car.

And I refused to do it until he convinced me that I came up with it because I was so paranoid about doing a joke that I thought somebody else wrote. But yeah, I mean, that's the thing, too, is that there's some material that's so fucking great and I watch it and I go, I don't know how to make that a show. And maybe it doesn't even maybe it's not even supposed to be a show. But like someone like Louis, I think, I mean, I repeat as he's my favorite but like I Could have never written Louie show Louie had to write Louie show right? But there's a lot of comedians where I watch them and I go oh, I know I know what I know what they're You had to figure that out though. Oh, absolutely Louie. He did that show on HBO Yeah, I had a conversation with him after was cancelled at the improv and the first thing he said is I just I should have

Written it myself. I would have fired everybody and just written it he goes like the problem a big part of it is just you're dealing with all these people's visions and you're trying to get yours through and it's like yours might not necessarily be better but the problem is it's yours and in order for the thing to be the thing that you're happy

with like just like your act it kind of has to come through you like say if you were going to do a Netflix special and they said look Morgan we think you're hilarious we'd love to do a Netflix special with you but what we'd like to do is assign a team of executive producers yeah and writers and what they're gonna do is they're gonna change your look okay we're gonna go with a goth theme they're gonna we're gonna put black lipstick on you and and we're gonna just well you know they're gonna come up with some fucking nutty thing that they decide to do

and then change the way you deliver material. It would be like, well, what are we doing here? And I think that's kind of how Louis felt when he was doing his show. It's like all these other voices, maybe not as retarded as a goth vampire black lipstick. Yeah, I mean, i get so passionate about about making things like other people's things like i just get excited i see somebody on stage

i'm like i want to you know like my job right now is just to develop tv stuff and does it ever fucking happen but you still do stand-up too you still work a lot with stanhope yeah yeah we're going on tour for two weeks on uh tuesday. And then he continues and I have to come back for some writing shit. But I get, you know, as passionate as I get about stand-up, I get so fucking into the idea of like seeing somebody go up, seeing the show that they could have, and also wanting them to love it because I'm like, no, no, no, I get you. I'm not going to write anything that you would say that you wouldn't do.

Like you want to be as the writer on the other side of that, as the person who is sometimes hired to take a comedian and like get a show out of them. Like I like to hope and think that I have a perspective that someone who's not in stand up maybe maybe wouldn't have because I'm like I've watched this person so long I know their voice. I know what they're commenting on I know the way they're commenting on it, and I hope that if I write a script for them and they read it They're not gonna go fuck. This isn't me, right? You know, I'm so I mean I maybe it goes back to like wanting to impress or wanting, you know To be seen as legitimate, but I would never, I would never hand somebody something if I thought that it was remotely embarrassing or against

their, you know, right. But I mean, I, I find it to be an interesting sort of responsibility and, and, and like when you're hired to sort of develop shows, there's all this shit, they bring you like, Hey, there's an article about this. Do you want to write a show about this thing? And I'm like, every time I say, no an article about this do you want to write a show about this thing and i'm like every time i say no i want to i want to write something for a comedian i i that's so that's like your specialty it's what you want to do that's what i want to do i mean just like seeing watching someone from a comedian's perspective and going oh i could do something with that yeah and and also like i just i think that there's so many people you see where you go i they're not as successful as i think they should be and i think that there's so many people you see where you go i they're not as successful as i

think they should be and i think i know how to how to fix it fix it dude you're a cleaner i'm a cleaner you're a cleaner you're the person they bring in that would be the like uh the uh you know the the wolf in pulp fiction yeah you're the harvey kytel character pulls up in a silver nsx and it takes notes some like a and e show where it's like a woman's job is to clean and then it's like coming in she's the cleaner you have like waiters on because you're always but it's so it actually is like mildly embarrassing to passionately talk about uh television and show business. There's a little part of it that's like, who cares and why does it matter?

But I don't know. Listen, I think anything that's interesting to you, you should talk about. And people say, well, you're going to bore the fuck out of people. You are. You're going to bore the fuck out of some people. But you're going to bore the fuck out of some people with things that I think are really interesting. Sure. Whatever.

Physics, nature, things that I think are fascinating interesting, whether it's whatever physics, nature, things that I think are fascinating. Some people are going to think it's stupid. Just, you have to, whatever's interesting, standups interesting to us. It's always going to be,

I'm into anything that is passionately and intricately discussed. You know, if it's, if, if I'm a, as I say, I'm an enthusiast enthusiast. I don't know a lot about one thing, but I love anybody who does. Yeah. I'm, enthusiast enthusiast. That's good. I don't know a lot about one thing, but I love anybody who does.

Yeah. I'm with you. I'm 100% with you. I like a lot of cool shit. There's a lot of interesting shit out there. There's so much. Anybody tells me they're bored. Listen, you're not bored.

You're inactive. Yeah. You just need to find things that you enjoy doing, and then you will never be bored. Yeah. Just keep doing things you enjoy doing and then you will never be bored. Just keep doing things You like doing it's just hard for people to get that initial momentum Just get moving go forward sure It's not boring. This is not boring. This is crazy. You're a finite life form on a planet this whole thing's crazy

It's chaos. I got scared as fuck the other day. I saw another article on Yellowstone. They're saying it's a 10% chance that inside this hundred years there's going to be a super volcano eruption. So inside this, from 2000 to 3,

you know, 2000 to 2100, there's a 10% chance that everything dies. The whole planet? Everything on this continent. Dead. Everything else,

all over the rest of the world, is going to be fucked, because there's not going to be any sun. I've got to book some Glasgow dates. That's the move. I think South Africa might be the new place to go. New Zealand is a big one for people escaping the apocalypse. New Zealand's awesome, I heard. Yeah, a lot of Americans, a lot of tech people, big money buying land in New Zealand now. Really? Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah, a lot of Americans. A lot of tech people.

Big money buying land in New Zealand now. Really? Yeah. It's beautiful. Yeah, I want to go. Yellowstone supervolcano hit by a swarm of more than 230 earthquakes in one week. What in the fuck, people? How many wake-up calls do we need?

See, we're not going to be even paying attention to this until the lava is shooting up into the atmosphere do you know they didn't even know that it was a super volcano until like 50 years ago or something they didn't even know this is i like this podcast you just it's just uh talk about shit and learn how you'll die not always sometimes learn about beautiful things scared now though like vibram five finger toe shoes and boxing matches. Those things like that though are why I'm like, why would I quit smoking when I can just wait it out? Wait it out. I see what you're saying. But don't you feel like shit when you smoke a lot? When I smoke a lot. How often do you smoke? What do you smoke a day? Half a pack. That's not that bad. I mean, right now, but it gets up there when i when i have

deadlines and stuff and i'm writing i tied it into writing which is a bad bad move how does that work does the i've smoked tony hinchcliffe cigarettes yeah i smoked a cigarette with him before a show once and i was like dude this gives you like a buzz yeah and he goes yeah i can't imagine writing or doing stand-up without it i go really i really? I'm like, that's interesting. Yeah, I've gone over to Hinch. He's a guy I'll hang out with because, you know, similar lifestyle, I guess. It's easy to, like, have a cigarette with him

and talk about comedy. You're both gay? Is that what you're saying? We're both presumed. Presumed to be gay? Presumed to be. But not? That's hilarious.

But what is the thing about writing and cigarettes? Like, what does it do? And what does it do that like a cigar doesn't do? shit I'm you know in one cigarette I wrote all those pages I don't I I don't know I mean I really don't know chemically how the addiction part of it works but I know I uh I'm a victim of it yeah well the addiction part is um pretty clearly documented in that movie um with what the fuck's his name inside man guy from gladiator russell what the fuck yeah the insider yeah inside man's a different movie right yeah what the fuck's his name australian dude gladiator dude that guy he was yeah i didn't see it i think i don't want to know i think i like he's a scientist in the movie yeah and they're trying to kill him because he's releasing all

the information apparently there's like hundreds and hundreds of different chemicals that the FDA has approved cigarette companies to add to cigarettes just to get them more addictive. Yeah. It's interesting too because I'll have like a, I'll put out a cigarette and a glass of water or something and then I get nervous if the water with tobacco and it touches my skin. Like I get like, I have this like paranoia, but I'm like, I'll literally inhale every chemical deep into my lungs, into my veins, but I get nervous about touching tobacco-y water. That's so weird, man.

What is it about maybe bringing it into your lungs, you're not seeing it, so it doesn't freak you out as much? I never thought I could be in as much denial of denial about something as I am about smoking, but I enjoy it a lot right now. And I also started late. I started late. How old were you? I smoked real, real casually through my 20s, and then I started a job at like 29, 30. I'm 35, and that's when I really started.

That's when I started smoking during the day, like writing and smoking. Oh, before that you would smoke at night only? Smoke at like a party with a drink or something. And when did you notice that it had crossed over into a part of you? I think just a couple years into I was writing on Two Broke Girls and I was smoking at every possible break. And it just started to pick up where any opportunity to go outside and smoke, I took. And then I couldn't stop. Yeah.

I hate to be that proselytizing health guy. You ever try dip? That'd be a good one. No. I want to try some stuff. I just, you know, I want to try. I can't even. I'm not even allowed to like, you know, I'm on a lot of, antidepressants and stuff, so they don't want me to take the,

uh, the medication that helps you stop or any of the gums and stuff. It's all supposed to fuck up your brain chemicals. Oh, really? Yeah. How weird. You're on a lot of antidepressants? I mean, I'm on a, I'm on a, uh, you know, a happy hour cocktail. While I'm smoking weed? happy hour cocktail while i'm smoking weed i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna a nice uh you know cocktail of of stuff stuff what is the stuff um right now what am i like a fixer it's like kind

of the main you know things are sort of dabbled in there just It just, it depends on the time of year. Do you get on different things? Different time of year? In almost 20 years of being on stuff, I've, uh, I've, I've been switched around a few times. Dude, 20 years. You started in high school? Yeah. Henry Rollins got put on. Saved my life in high school. I'm sure. A hundred percent. Like not. Yeah. I mean, it was where the, uh, the turn, I mean, I've had a couple of instances Yeah. I mean, it was where the turn. I mean, I've had a couple of instances of I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be on it anymore. I tried to go off and realize I needed it.

But, you know, high school was the biggest turnaround. 180. Just because the stress of growing up? I don't know. I was just a mess. And then some doctor, you know, after a year of being a mess was like, try this. So you were suicidal? Yeah.

Yeah. 16. You know, moved a year of being a mess was like, try this. So you were suicidal? Yeah, yeah. 16, you know, moved around every year. It was just a, you know, a chaotic. That always fucks people up, but it always creates interesting people. Everybody I know that's interesting had some sort of a weird childhood where they moved around a lot. By the way, how annoying is it when someone starts making a point while they're holding a joint? Like, this is a very important point I'm going to make, right? Yeah.

You also know you're not getting that joint until the end of the point. You have to sit there, like, fixated like a dog waiting for a treat. You know? But, yeah, I moved. I lived with my mom until I was, like, 14, 15. And then I lived with her sister and I lived with my dad's sister and I lived with some family friends. I lived with my dad for the first time when I was like 17. And I just bounced around L.A., Connecticut, Oregon. Jesus. And I was just brutally depressed and couldn't, you know, I mean, obviously there were big environmental environmental factors but at the end of the day it just it was uh more than more than therapy and stuff your life was the plot of the movie twilight

never saw it should i see it oh for sure it's classic it is a classic now right twilight twilight is a movie that was fucking massive yeah massive yeah and now never discussed never discussed not discussed at all like people will talk about star wars to the end of fucking time no one's going to talk about twilight in a couple of years no they're just not going to there might be like a 20-year reunion where all the girls who watched when they were 13 go see it again yes Yes, sure. But there's going to be a bunch of people who are like, what the fuck was wrong with us? What did we do?

What happened as a culture? What happened as a society? When we decided that all of a sudden vampires are allowed to go out in the day. Werewolves have abs. They can change to a wolf whenever the fuck they want. What are you doing? Wasn't there a lot of vampire shows for a minute, too? Oh, yeah.

True Blood. True Blood, too. Yes. Everybody went crazy on vampires on vampires zombies are dead to me they're they're they're boring as fuck you try to put out a zombie movie now nobody gives a shit like oh i get it it's gonna walk slow and you're gonna get away and the people that you really like are gonna live z boring like here's the uh here's what the movie's about it's they're not zombies are you excited now yes oh good

yes and the whole no no no the movie is it's about a guy and his daughter becomes a zombie he loves his daughter

but she's a zombie get it there's an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie like that oh that was always the saddest the saddest part of Walking Dead

was when you realize like someone had like their daughter chained up in a room because he couldn't bring himself to put a spike through her head. So he just kept the zombie daughter. Oof. Oof. You know what's fucked up?

That is not entirely impossible. It's entirely impossible that the bodies would stay active long after they're deteriorating. I mean, that show's been going on for years. These zombies have been alive eating nothing for years. No digestive tract. Somehow or another, their flesh stays on their bones. Their tissue allows their body to keep moving. It's ridiculous, right?

That they even have anything in their brain at all that allows them to keep moving. But as far as a disease that changes the host and makes the host supervise it's fucking rabies it's rabies on steroids very possible very possible with all the horrible things that happened to like all these different animals in terms like parasites getting their system and forced them to commit suicide and all the you ever seen that aquatic worm one it gets into a grasshopper and then talks the grasshopper into jumping into water and drowning so it could pop out of its body. No. Develops in its body.

And then like the alien in the movie Alien that bursts out of the chest literally rips out of the thing's body in the water. And then that's how it gets born. Like it gets into the grasshopper's body and then rewires the grasshopper's brain when it's time to hatch and convinces this fuck to jump into the water. It's the beauty of childbirth. Well, you can live.

You can make a bunch of kids. Look at the Duggars. Don't they have like 20? There's not a single time they've been drowned. But if you stop and think about that being real, like how weird is it, the idea of a person becoming a zombie? That's not weird at all are you becoming some super hyper aggressive thing like a rabid dog that's not weird at all look

at this thing come out of its body i don't like it i'm not a fan of any this is this is horrific it's huge and the grasshopper is just gutted and this thing now is swimming around in the water and there's a ton of those there's a ton of those. There's a ton of those. There's something, one that happens with ants and a wasp. I forget who takes over who. But there's, God, find that one. There's ants. I think, I want to say that the ants take over the wasp.

Like a lot of them? Something happens where they rewire its brain. Is that a bot fly? Oh, no. A wolf worm. Wolf worm coming out of a rabbit. Oh, Jesus. That was one of the things in that movie, Rats.

Did you ever see that movie, Rats? No, but it looks like a... Netflix documentary? That thing's huge. Holy shit. That's a wolf worm. It looks like a... Netflix documentary? That thing's huge. Holy shit. That's a wolf worm. It looks like a grosser Groundhog Day thing. It looks like the first two digits of your pinky.

It's literally that big, right? It came out of a rabbit. But that documentary on Netflix, Rats, was all about how many rats live in New York City and urban areas. Fucking insane documentary. I can't recommend it enough like I always kind of knew there was a lot of rats in New York Yeah, here the numbers, but when you see like guys who are exterminators or people who work with rats And they go down in the basement It's like there is an underbelly to New York City and a lot of other cities to Los Angeles for sure where?

swarms of rodents are underneath the city. Swarms. More than there are people probably. There's no way for them to count. They do rough estimates. They really have no idea. But you see them everywhere.

They've got cameras that are dipped into probes and they're smart as shit. But one of them had this bot fly and they pulled this bot fly out of its body. It's like if you were carrying a football in one of your tits. Like, literally, they pulled this thing out of its body. They pulled it out of its neck, actually. It's fucking huge. It's like as big as its neck, almost. Yeah, I'm not into...

I'm a real pussy when it comes to bugs. You should be. They're terrifying. They're the worst. I saw a spider in Arizona last week that was I mean, it was half my fist. It had an exoskeleton shell. It looked like it was

wearing armor. Horrific. What kind was it? I don't know. Dead. Now. Did you swamp? Yeah, I killed it. Good for you. Strong. I can't hang. I couldn't. Well, I'm not gonna go to bed with a... Without their living? With a bug somewhere in my house. Yeah, there's a lot of weird shit in Doug's area.

Oh, that's where I saw it, over Bisbee area. He's right next to Mexico. He's like knocking on Mexico's door. You can run to Mexico, like literally. Yeah, none of those spiders had papers. I asked. Build that wall, Build that wall. Build that wall.

Just let the Mexicans in. Just everybody relax. That's terrifying when you leave his area and you got to pull over and stop and they ask you if you're an American citizen. Yeah, that's weird. And then you go, yes. I know a dude who has a ranch and it's in south texas and they find dead people on their ranch sometimes where people tried to cross passed out they just

die of dehydration yeah out in the desert fuck that's a hard way to go and then these ranchers just find them you know know, scary shit. And you don't know who it, I mean, the other thing is like for him and his, his place, like, uh, you don't know if this guy's going to be a nice guy just trying to come over here and get a job or if this guy's a drug runner and a murderer, like you really don't know. You just know there's a person in your ranch that's not supposed to be there and they might not even speak English. I'm like, Ooh, I'm trying to think of something I would die to get to.

I don't. It seems to me to be. I guess I'm here. A lot of people get mad at me when I say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. I think it's something that's going to go away. The idea of countries and you can only go one place. Like if you're born on this patch of dirt, you can only stay on this patch of dirt. It's an impediment to progress.

And it's an impediment to equality. And I think that we're there's going to come a day where people are just going to be able to travel anywhere they want and we're not going to look at it like cities and we're not going to look at it in terms of like you know you're like if you live in boston you can move to cleveland if you live in cleveland you can move to miami right you can move you can move wherever you want but as soon as you have a country you can't move you have to have papers you got to get approved well what kind of job do you have morgan are you are you do you have a specific skill that would benefit america and instead of the rest of our sloppy fucks that half of them don't you jack

shit are you better than the average person why should we let you in we only want to let quality people in that's it i would never be able to prove myself in that moment as being worthy of getting into any country. They have a term for it. With a skill. It's like exceptional skill. Yeah. A person of exceptional skill. It just seems fucked.

Like, I don't know. Just, it seems barbaric. Like, it really does. I mean, I know people are like, oh, man, you've got to understand, American sovereignty is very important. The rest of the world is fucked up. We've managed to figure out. We got lucky. We got lucky and we got shit out on the right patch of dirt.

Yeah, sure. And we have resources that a lot of other countries don't have. I don't have what we have, if that makes sense. Just perspective. I enjoy making a vacation sort of a combination of pleasure and perspective as much as I can and going places that, you know, make you realize what you have at home. I wonder if it holds, do you think that it holds back both sides? Do you think it holds back Mexico that the United States is so difficult to get into?

And then it's always like this despair of certain people trying to get into Mexico, trying to get into America and can't. What I was going to get at is that I think that it's kind of similar in some way, and I might be off, but similar in some way to making drugs illegal. That, like, you make drugs illegal, then you create this artificial, this demand, this increased demand, and then it's outlawed. So only people that are willing to break the law sell it. And so you, this criminal enterprise attached to something that should be perfectly legal. Right. Like marijuana. You're already breaking the law by coming here. Right.

So are you a person who's going to break the law? Right. You're going to be a person who takes that I think and also profit off of it by being like one of those carriers. Right. Yeah, I don't know. I grew up in LA and I think I had a I didn't realize that it was illegal. You know, as a kid you don't know laws or rules.A. and I think I had a I didn't realize that it was illegal.

You know, as a kid, you don't know laws or rules or anything. So I just assumed that Mexico and California, because I would, you know, most of the kids I went to school with were Mexican. Like, I just assumed that it was like a place where people live in both places and you go back and forth a lot. And, you know, the Mexican culture was so sort of the whole my whole backdrop of my childhood was painted with that so i just kind of assumed that you went where you wanted to yeah and like that la was mostly mexican and that was fine yeah it should be fine right and people what are they gonna come over here and take our jobs they're gonna come over and ruin our quality of life or is it all gonna even Like, maybe it just evens out.

Isn't that possible? Yeah, I also, you know, I mean, it's beyond cliché to say, but are people taking jobs that Americans are dying to do now? Yeah. Well, see, and also if they come over here and they can just come over here, then you have to pay them the same rate. It's like you have to pay them the same rate that everybody gets paid. Sure. There's wage limits There's minimum wage like if you have them illegal you pay them whatever the fuck you want. Mm-hmm, and they do That's like the big housekeeper dilemma. How can that how the fuck our housekeepers asking for a raise? They're not asking for a raise. They can't say shit every time the word housekeeper comes out of my mouth

I like I get a little I get a little red, a little embarrassed because I have a housekeeper now. I never had, you know. It makes you feel bad? It doesn't make me feel bad. I absolutely, I couldn't love her more

and she's very much become kind of a pseudo mother figure of mine in LA. I don't have family here really. But I also feel like that makes me sound like a, uh, pretentious white person who's taking care of a person of color. It like, it really, uh,

it really, it's not, it's not a comfortable subject for me to talk about. And yet I couldn't be more like earnestly grateful and thankful. And, uh, I couldn't adore her more. And, grateful and thankful and uh i couldn't adore her more and and really she helps me function in life and yet the very the subject is you know i mean i didn't grow up with that kind of stuff so it's it's interesting it's embarrassing it's embarrassing well as long as you pay her well and you're nice to her it's just a job you know as long as she enjoys doing the job and she gets paid well yeah it's just a job there's nothing wrong with long as she enjoys doing the job and she gets paid well, it's just a job. There's nothing wrong with being a garbage man. There's nothing wrong with any job.

Yeah, I mean, you know, she's known me through apartments and, you know, so it's interesting when someone's just a part of your life and seems to care about you more than you even think they should, if that makes sense. Well, you're her boss. I'm her boss, but she's the only person in my home. And I trust her, but she also seems to care about me in this way. She wants me to have a kid. She's like, it's all these things that you're, I don't really talk to my mom.

I have this housekeeper who's like, you should have a baby, and then I'll take care of you. She has a plan for my whole life. Well, listen to her. I don't have it to my mom. I have this housekeeper who's like, you should have a baby, and then I'll take care of you. She has a plan for my whole life. Well, listen to her. Listen to her. It sounds like you've got some sort of a partner. Yeah. A life partner.

I do have a life partner. You do? You have a housekeeper that's a life partner? I don't know. It's always a touchy subject, because there's historically been people that have come from other places, and they've immigrated into places. And then, you know, they create neighborhoods and they're a certain class of people initially. And then they move through society.

And, I mean, my people have experienced it, the Italians. Like when my grandfather came over here, there was all these like negative stereotypes for Italians. And there's all these slurs. Like they used to call them likeinea-wop and all these different They were like hurtful like today if you call someone a guinea no one like I would say I'm a guinea like nobody gives a shit Yeah, talk call Sebastian a guinea like yep like it doesn't bother anybody. You know it's like it became They became a class of people that normalize they just they fit they fit in with like regular white people Yeah Italians were not regular white people.

Italians were not considered white people the same way a lot of people from the Middle East that have the same skin tone aren't considered white people by some people today. But if it became just a normal part, like Irish people, became you're an Irish woman. Irish woman. If they could only become white people. If they just figured out a way. To get white. To get whiter. We should just, there's got to be a way.

Just keep them indoors. Move them to Oregon. After a while they'll evolve. The lack of sun, they will evolve into being white people. Yeah. I don't know. I just think, you know, anytime you restrict things that should be normal, like moving to a better spot,

you can't move to a better spot. Oh, I can't? What if I buy a house in that spot? Nope. Can't move to that spot. Well, I mean, it's sort of arbitrary. How do you... I'm very fascinated by migration in general of towns where you're encouraged to stay.

That's always very interesting to me like don't leave don't leave don't leave don't leave like what if you were told you can't stay you have to leave and you have to go populate this other area like what's the difference you know it just we're we're choosing where people can live and we don't know what would be the best place for them we don't know if the best place for them is right next door to you even if you don't want it. I was watching a guy on TV. They were doing this interview with him.

He was a coffee farmer in Hawaii. And he started out as a 15-year-old in America. So he's been in America from the time he was 15. He was in his 40s now. He has a family. He's been in America for for more than i think i think they were saying like 30 years okay so this guy wife family worked his way up from being a worker at this coffee farm to owning the fucking coffee farm i think he owned it sounds better if i say

he owned it he might have been the manager he was he had a big job he's a big man at the coffee farm and they're kicking him out they're moving him to mexico they're exporting jesus and he just got some stay some you know where they allowed him to stay like a couple more months to to appeal his case but i'm like jesus christ the guy did it like he came he came over here he was 15 he's a part of america now he's 30 something years old or 40 years old whatever the fuck he is he could have already served time for for murder like he could have done a full like he's done his time positively he's actually doing well he's doing what you want he's being a productive member of society he's employing other people he's making coffee which i'm not gonna grow coffee. I need someone to grow that goddamn coffee.

That guy's doing a great job. That's a fucking American. It is. To make a move. It's crazy. It's like make you move to where you moved around a lot. Where the fuck were you when you were 15? I was in Connecticut.

Yeah. You're in Connecticut. I'm in Massachusetts. We have to move. Imagine thugs come knocking on our door with combat boots on, holding guns and say, listen, Morgan, you got to move. You can't stay in California anymore. There's too many people in California. You got to go back, back to the East Coast. It's insane. It's the same thing that they're doing to this guy. It's insane. It's, it's, it's, I don't, I mean, I don't know. I don't, I don't get it, but I went

on, we, you were, when we did the, uh, the end of the world podcast, you guys did that one. I remember coming out at the end, hammered, hammered as i say hammered since i had been hammered since florida results came in said everything was already done and i show up and it's a you know a murderer's row on stage and i get there and i have no i have only feelings i have no nothing in my brain is working to connect pieces or really be, you know, remotely sort of eloquent. I just came out and I was like, this is bad for people and everyone's going to be racist

and we, you know, people should be able to do what they want. And then you and Tarantino started making out. Did we? You don't remember that? I didn't make out with anybody. No, I'm just kidding. Sarah Tiana was doing the same thing. In front of anybody.

But Burr just hammered me. Of course. I mean, he came back with, you know, basically, I felt there was like a lot of energy that I came in with the worst thing that's ever happened just happened. Right. That was my energy. And I felt like there was a lot of, you know, don't, you know, it might not be that bad energy that night. Let me tell you what's really going on.

But this is what's really going on. First of all, you got a bunch of comics in front of an audience. Right. That's the number one thing that's happening. This fucking election is to us, to me and Burr and anybody else who's there. It's like this is an opportunity to talk shit. Okay. And the fact that there's an election going on, like, we'll deal with the consequences

of Donald Trump being president later. But right now, we're here to make people laugh and have fun. And Burr is on fire. He was on fire. He was on fire! He shines in those things like no one. Yeah. He was just like, one after the other, smashing it.

There's a video online you can get on youtube that's like the best of bill burr at the end of the world podcast yeah he's just slaying oh no it was and i came in like and i like threw a cup of gasoline on the fire with my opinions i was like yeah but it's not really an opinion i mean it's like you have to understand from the perspective of uh i'm not saying you have to understand but the people listening right like when any we do something like that there's a bunch of comics and there's an audience. We're not always going to deal with what's going on. We're not going to be somber and really be considering the fact that, okay, well, now

we don't have a president anymore. We've just elected a buffoon to the biggest popularity contest in the world. That's what we did. A popular person won now, and now we're fucked, and he's an egomaniac, and now he's in charge of the nukes. Congratulations. Oh, you can fire the FBI guy. Look at that.

You just let a reality star just start firing the people that you need for critical intelligence, people that have been involved in the intelligence industry and the intelligence community for decade after decade after decade. You let this reality star just start firing people. It's nuts, but it was also the best place I could have ended up that night. Like, I can't imagine having spent, I mean, I think I went to bed at like. She got together with Jen Kirkman. 7 a.m.

Wonderful time. I looked at her Twitter and I was like, I just got to stay away from that thing. You guys are freaking me the fuck out. Like, Jesus. This is a bad system. It's been a bad system since people figured out how to make phone calls you know as soon as people figured out how to make phone calls you didn't have to get a guy on a fucking horse that carries your vote and your your request for

sovereignty and your personal state by a messenger that has to take it to some fucking representative has to take it to congress on this fucking boat. Like, you don't have to do that anymore. So since we don't have to do this anymore, this idea of one person running the whole shebang through a representative of each individual state, it's archaic. Communication is too good now.

The bottleneck is the system. The system needs to be redesigned. It needs to be redesigned. It's not impossible. No one's saying we shouldn't have government. I'm not an anti-government purple person. It looks like I'm not an anti-military person or an anti-police person. I just think it all has to be managed and engineered

the right way. You can't have just complete anarchy in this country, but we have to have the will of the people. And right now, it's definitely not the will of the people. This is just some weird system that someone's figured out a way to win, and then once they're And right now, it's definitely not the will of the people. This is just some weird system that someone's figured out a way to win, and then once they're in the system, we're realizing all the flaws of the

system. People are quitting and getting fired. Well, this is not the most efficient way to run this thing. Right, but there's no within the system, there is no, here's how you change the system. That hasn't been established, so then you have to do that in a way that doesn't make everybody implode. But the system, the design of the system and this is uh more than i've

i've paid attention more to the political system in the last two years than i think i have in my entire life but there's all these checks and balances that are in place to sort of prevent someone who's uh an irreputable person getting into a position of power and then changing everything. There's enough checks and balances to keep that in place. And I think that's important and that's a beautiful thing. And having all these representatives that represent both conservative and liberal attitudes kind of keeps things in balance to a certain extent. But it's not the best way to do it. No.

certain extent but it's not the best way to do it no the best way to do it would be to get a guy like elon musk and say hey man the way you uh figured out how to put fucking tunnels under the earth where the cars go on sleds and that eliminates all the traffic in la and the way they figured out how to make like a solar box that sits in a garage on the wall and it powers your whole house from the roof and the way they figured out how to make roof shingles that are actually solar powered. And the way they figured out how to make an electric car that can go 350 miles. How about you tell us how to run this thing?

Like you're definitely smarter than me. Yeah, I mean, but also then does he make the decisions? Because I always think about like when they change rules in major league sports, I always find it like interesting. Like a group of people got together. And now what is it? Overtime? Football overtime is shortened now.

And I go, oh, now it's 10 minutes. Now it's five minutes. And we all just go, OK. Who's the board? Who's the person who gets to say, OK, now this is the way that the government works? I mean, that's its own process. Well, football is very different, obviously, because it's a game. And you're trying to make the game better and more exciting.

If they were just trying to fuck with people and make politics more exciting, maybe that would be more. Maybe that would work. Just make it. How do we make this better? How do we make this better? How do we make people like this more? How do we make people feel like they're involved? How do we do this?

But again, changing the rules, it seems like that. I just don't know how long something like that takes. Is it is it over generations? Is it tomorrow? The rules are this. I mean, how do you do that? I think you make people park at the bottom of a hill and you put the voting booth at the very top of the hill. And only the people that can actually, like,

unless you're physically handicapped, then you get a pass. Then we'll figure out another test for you. But only the people that figure out to get their fucking lazy ass to the top of that hill, those are the only ones that get to vote. Alright. Fine by me. But that's the thing, is that you're gonna have to

tell somebody what the rules are and then you're gonna hope they say all right i'll probably say all right mountain hikers are just gonna run the world alex honnold is gonna be our president that rock climber dude he's gonna be number one now i just think that if we just come up with an alternative system that somebody designs and we slowly implement it like in stages you know but every time someone doesn't like something everyone is so aggressively angry now and everyone is kind of uh you know on the on the on the precipice of snapping and i feel like any kind of suggested change to a lot of people is is terrifying it is terrifying and it should be because if somebody fucks it up and putin's this

whole thing you know that could be a big goddamn disaster too. That's always possible. This is as close as that's come. This is as close as it's come to something where he's got a 33% approval rate or something like that. Except the poll that he found says 50%. Isn't that hilarious

that you can put up a picture that says 50% of the people like me and then you'd be like, wow, he's really doing a great job. Like you're never going to see a president with 100% approval rate. It does not exist. It's so tragic. I mean, he is, I can't think of a time my brain has been this consumed by a president. Like, you know, positive or negative.

I mean, I, you know, I liked Obama, but I never thought about him as much as I think about Trump. Even if you have things, like vitamins, vitamins would not have a 100% approval rate. Right. There's people that would like, fuck vitamins! I don't even need them, they suck! And they would give it a...

Well, like actual Western medicine doesn't have 100% approval. There are people who go like, no, I don't want any treatment for my cancer. Well, that's because there are alternatives and there are some people that believe that you can do more work to cure or to halt cancer in its tracks by altering your diet and improving your immune system. I believe that more than like, you know, no, the Lord will provide my medicine. But I think more and more doctors are acutely aware of the factor that nutrition plays. I think they make changes to people, not just like give them drugs and give them, you know, anti-cancer medication. But there's doctors now more, increasingly more and more that want you to, hey, you drink too much, stop drinking.

Are you smoking cigarettes? We definitely got to get you to stop smoking cigarettes. We got to get you to eat healthy. Here's what's important. I feel like you're directly talking to me right now and telling me. I just think that you have to pay attention to doctors too. These motherfuckers might have figured out a way to cure your cancer. You got to listen.

You can't listen to the holistic healer lady that has incense burning in her fucking house. You can listen to both. She smells of patchouli. Maybe. A little from Colum A. Got to be careful. Those patchouli-smelling motherfuckers. I just did some weird, I did a colonic at some hippie ranch type place.

Dude, you had to pipe up your ass? I had to pipe up my ass. What was that like? It was oddly positive experience. And I didn't think it would be. I was in Bisbee

around Doug's place and I took off for the day and got a colonic. Wow. Have you done that before or was it on a whim? Semi on a whim. It was like, yeah, I called a play line. I was looking for healthy things to do in the desert and that was one of them.

What percentage of people take colonics on a whim? Like what percentage? Is it even 10 where people just walk down the street like, you know what would be fun? We should really, yeah. I don't think there's a lot of colonics where they're like advertised for foot traffic. Like Santa Monica bulldog, come come on in we'll stick a pipe up your ass but i try you know it's that thing where i'm not like you i don't have a uh i don't have a a healthy lifestyle so i find myself hitting walls and then reaching kind of grasping for um activities that seem healthy and enjoyable which

is why i've like you know know, I try to go, I'll go boxing, surfing, I'll go play basketball, you know, it's, but I don't do it as consistently as I ought to. That's why it's always impressive to see you, you know, peak form constantly. Do things you like doing. I do. That's, you know, I like, I like sport. I love sports. Then do that. That's a great way to stay I like sport. I love sports. Then do that. That's a great way to stay healthy. For me, I found out somewhere along the line, though, for me to be better at certain sports,

I have to do shit I don't want to do. Yeah. Like lift weights, run hills, stuff like that. If you don't do those things, you don't have... If you want to make an analogy to machines, you have a weird opportunity with your body where, say, if you're to you want to make an analogy to machines like you have a weird opportunity with your body Where say if you're in a race you can turn your body into a sports car Like you can literally turn your body into something that does something a regular car can't do you can move faster could pick up more

It can explode it can make corners better like you can do that to your body You can give your body balance. Like, you take a yoga class two days a week for four months. Don't tell me your body's not better. It's going to move better. Absolutely. It's going to be more balanced. You're going to be able to change the suspension on your car, literally, by putting in the work.

But the work can suck a fat one sometimes. It's hard, Joe. Dude, I know. It's so hard. It ain't easy. But you gotta get excited about doing hard shit. I get excited about

the prospect of getting in better shape after the age I am now than I was before. Like, I get excited about being that person that I've seen happen. I'm like, oh,

I've seen people do that. Get in better shape after 35. I guess I can do it. But there has to be like something. The idea of doing it is thrilling, but I'm like, oh, I've seen people do that, get in better shape after 35. I guess I can do it. But there has to be like something. The idea of doing it is thrilling, but I can't,

you know, it's getting there. But you don't want it bad enough, Rocky. I know. I know I don't. There is no tomorrow. That's my favorite quote

in every movie. Yeah, you know what you gotta do? What? This is the big one for everybody, for everybody listening. Write down shit you have to do.

I do it. I write down things I need to work on, things I'm going to do. Like I wrote down my schedule for the week. I wrote down like this week, I'm going to lift weights three days a week. I'm going to run two days a week and I'm going to do yoga two days a week, period. Like there's no negotiation. So I have to do those things. So I'll do that for the

week and then i'll make sure i make those checks off there's a lot of times where i want to fuck off but i know i have to make my schedule i have to get it in if i don't get it in then i fucked up like i gave myself like a schedule and but then i get things done and it doesn't seem any more stressful in fact it seems less stressful because i don't have to like hem and haw over whether i'm going to do something like i have it written down i have to do it and then i just go do it sounds uh i'll do that then you gotta just write it down and stick to the script because as a comic one of the best things about us is that we're impulsive and that we like to blow things off and we like to question the

validity of certain actions. Like, why am I doing that? Fuck that. How about I just jerk off and take a nap or whatever you do? You know, I mean, that's what we do. People are impulsive and that's one of the reasons why you're funny. Cause you come up with a thought that maybe other people wouldn't entertain. Yeah. I mean, it's just a matter... Once I'm in, once I have... Once I got some downhill motion, I can keep going. Yeah, it's the momentum thing.

It's the initial start. I used to go boxing every day for years. A few years. That was when you were in New York, right? No, I was out here. I used to go to the wild card every day for three years. Oh, that's right. Morgan Murphy's a big fucking boxing fan. You and I have had long conversations about boxing.

You know a lot of shit. Yeah, I used to kind of know more. I mean, I get embarrassed with sports stuff because I'm such a fan, but I'm not by any means a statistician. I'm not a good rememberer of even names. I just obsessively watch sports hours and hours and hours a day. But isn't that funny though, like if you're talking about like a television show, like, uh, yeah, yeah, I saw that show. Wait a minute. It's a good show. Who was,

who was the main character in Lost? What was his name again? And what was the, you know, like there's no shame in that. Right. But a basketball game from the same time, like who was in the finals? Yeah. Well, i can think of like fights i've been to and then i can't even think of i'm like i know who won the fight i don't i don't even remember who they fought you see kovalev andre ward this weekend i watched a little uh i listened to a lot about it but i missed it that's the other thing too is i watch i stay home and watch so much shit I mean you know I I love sports I find it to be the most soothing like I I if I'm if I'm at a job you know writing something all day I look at my the sports schedule that night and I get excited that oh I have a thing to do at eight

you know after my work is done like I just I wrap my days around it so I'm trying to go out and do more shit as opposed to being locked into a schedule that's determined by what boxing match is on. And I used to stay home to watch everything, and I didn't for that one. Yeah, I hear you. You get, you know, it comes in waves, right? But I listen to it a lot. I mean, I have opinions about it, having not seen it. You still have opinions?

Like uneducated ones? Well, no, just from seeing what I did see. I get mad about certain stoppages. Oh, really? Did you see the Kovalev award? Yeah, and I thought it was an early stoppage. It was definitely an early stoppage. I don't think you do that when someone's on his way down.

Here's the question, though. Did he have a standing eight count rule? Like, I don't know if there's a standing eight count rule in that fight. Like, see, if there was, find out if there was. I feel like there was because I feel like that's what should have happened. If it happened. But in some fights, I believe they don't have to have a standing eight count. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't think that's the case in all fights. And I think in some championship fights, they don't have a standing eight count. And I think that's a speculation or a specification right put yeah that I don't know it just seems like an obvious stipulation uh yeah I I mean the last fight I'm trying to think of uh Jamie will find out Jamie will find out I made uh I made uh I was in uh Arizona during the uh Canelo uh the Chavez fight, and I made everybody watch it. That wasn't a good one. It was a bad one, and the worst part about it was that everyone knew I was the reason the fight was on.

Oh, no. So everyone, it was like I couldn't, every round I wanted to be exciting because I wanted people to not get mad at me for ruining their night. But instead, I was responsible for a boring night. And then I was like, I enjoyed it. Even though it was boring. I just wanted to see who was going to fight Golovkin. And that was my,

that was my sort of, you know, my horse in the race was whoever was going to win was going to fight my favorite fighter. But most people thought Canelo was going to win pretty handily. But the problem was that Chavez didn't really want to put himself out there. He didn't want to risk anything. I don't think his training has ever been amazing. Right, as disciplined as some.

Canelo is about that life. He's trying to be the best ever. He's trying to be the best guy. It's hard's trying to be the best guy ever to come from Mexico. It's hard to be. I can't imagine being a rich kid boxer. It just feels like... Was he born a rich kid? Well, I mean, Chavez Jr.

I mean, he's... Oh, I thought you thought you meant Canelo. Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just saying that... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That just seems like a hard place to come from. Oh, yeah.

And his dad is the fucking greatest of all time. Julio Cesar Chavez is arguably the greatest Mexican fighter of all time. I mean, he's up there. I saw Chavez Jr. fight at the Staples Center, and they brought his dad out first. I was like, oh, it's just the poor shadow you've got to be in that your dad gets honored before your fight. It's rough. But you know what? There's this guy, Krohn Gracie, and his dad is Hickson Gracie, who's like the greatest jujitsu guy of all time. And the son is a world champion. He's a fucking beast. I mean, he's one of the best guys on the planet Earth.

Like, legitimately 100%, self-motivated, not like, you know, doesn't need to, it's not like the same sort of Chavez situation. Right. So it doesn't always happen that way. But it seems like fighting in general hunger for fighting tends to come from a place of poverty I mean it tends to yeah but again it doesn't have to no no but I mean even like even in America like you know what was his name it's like rust belt dude rust belt no yeah the guy this American dude who I was for you I can't remember his name. Kelly Pavlik?

Was it Kelly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Am I wrong? White guy shaved head. Yeah, white guy shaved head. Yeah. Had a moment.

Bad motherfucker. Bad motherfucker. He just ran into Bernard Hopkins. Bernard Hopkins had him figured out. Just tuned him up. Yeah, I don't know. I wrote a blog article about that. Really?

About that fight. Because it was just a masterful performance by Hopkins. Hopkins. I was actually coming home from a UFC fight overseas. I was in Europe when I watched that fight. And I was like, that motherfucker is so good. I got to get into UFC. He's so smart.

I've been watching. I've been watching. But I don't know who I'm rooting for. Oh, you root for people. I just like, I don't know who, I don't know who's who. I feel, I have, like, I think why I just started even watching hockey is like, I played so many sports as a kid. Like, I can get into the sports I know about. But when I don't know anything about it, it's like, it's like working out.

It's like doing anything else. I'm uncomfortable getting into something that I come from such a, I have such a huge blind spot about. Right. You know, where I'm just like, how am I going to learn everything immediately? I try to get Ian Edwards to school me on soccer. I didn't last. I tried for a few weeks. We even talked about doing a soccer companion.

He took me to a bar once and we're sitting there watching some game. It was like some big time soccer game. It was pretty good. It was fun. It's fun being next to Ian because he knows everything. He knows as much about soccer as I know about MMA. Yeah. He's just rattling off who this guy is and what this team's about and what their score is.

And he has a soccer podcast, too, that he does. I forget who he does it with. You remember who he does it with? I love that dude. I love him. He's the best. Such a nice guy. He's the most underrated comic alive today.

He's so funny. You know, I quoted a joke of his in the writer's room at Two Broke Girls and my boss was like whose joke is that and I was like Ian Edwards

and he hired him that's a great move yeah it was like it was but it was just like oh yeah Ian's got this joke and everyone was fucking dying I selfishly don't want anybody

to ever hire him as a writer again I want him to just do stand up I think that's what he's doing I mean I think he just was a little short gig. Yeah, no, he does them every now and then. But I just feel like people don't know how fucking good he is.

He's so good. And he's such a good guy. Yeah. Just one of the best guys ever. True. What do you think about this Conor McGregor-Floyd-Mayweather fight? I mean, it's a spectacle. I guess I'm excited.

I'm excited about it, but I feel like it's going to be another big notch in Mayweather's belt, and I don't think he needs another one. I get a little bit... I respect Floyd Mayweather as a boxer, but it's not the kind of boxing I get excited about watching, even though I know it's technically amazing. It's going to be a boxing match, for sure. It's going to be an actual 12-round boxing match. So we're going to get to see some sort of an athletic competition.

I just don't see how McGregor can be better than the best boxers in the world who have tried. Yeah, he won't be. He won't be better than the best boxers in the world. But what he might do, first of all, he's definitely going to make it exciting. Yeah. The trash talk is going to be fucking epic. It's going to be amazing. It's going to be epic.

Yeah. It's going to be a fun spectacle. And he has legitimate, scary one-punch power, and he's way bigger. So it's all about whether or not he can hit Mayweather. Chances are. What are they fighting at? 150-something? I don't know. That's a good question, too. How much weight does he have to lose? So it's all about whether or not he can hit Mayweather What are they fighting at? 150 something? I don't know

That's a good question too How much weight does he have to lose? How much is Floyd going to make him dehydrate himself? Does he even give a fuck? Does he even respect his skills enough to make him dehydrate himself like he did with Canelo? Because he made Canelo cut a shitload of weight Sure I think he made him fight at 150

Is that correct? Find out what Floyd Mayweather made Canelo Alvarez fight Because Canelo'svarez fight. Because Canelo's a big fella. Yeah. I've seen him in person. Him getting out on the 150 is a rough, rough suck. I think that... It's always scary when you look at these dudes

and they just look emaciated before the fight. It's terrifying. Like Chavez. I mean, you know, he's a tall guy, so he's... One of the worst I ever saw was when Conor made it to 145. We fought Aldo. I was like, Jesus Christ. He looked so gaunt and dried up at the weigh-ins.

And then the next day, he looks like a gorilla. Canelo came in at 152, it says. Okay. And this fight is at 154. It is at 154? That's what they're making it? Interesting. Okay, well, Conor's not going to have a hard time making it 154.

Now this says Canelo weighed in at 168. No, that was his last fight with Chavez Jr. Chavez Jr., he fought above his weight class, actually. Chavez Jr., I think he was fighting 175, wasn't he? And he came down. Maybe it was a normal weight for Chavez Jr. Oh, this was for the 30-day weigh-in when he fought Mayweather. Oh, so 30 days out?

Yeah, a month out. He still weighed 166.8. Yeah, well, they had stipulations in the contract, like how big he could be at certain points, you know? Just dirty. They just wanted to dry him out. I mean, I'm excited. What's the whole card going to look like?

I mean, are they going to have all boxing under cards? It's a good question. That'd be fun to do a little mix and match. The only way this fight is going to be interesting, skill-wise, is if Conor figures out a way to maul him. He's almost got to close the distance quick, get him up against the ropes, and just hit him with shots while he's holding him. He's almost got to clip him in some sort of weird awkward like my donna like exchange you ever see the fight with my donna the floyd had but floyd uh got clipped by a big overhand

right i think it was at the end of one of the rounds like very end of the round his legs dipped like whoa a little jig a little uh a little wobbly got a little dip and it's just because he got mauled it wasn't because skillwise he was commensurate. And then when Floyd came back in the rematch, he just boxed his face off. Just fucked him up. Because he just wanted to let him know, like, look dude, I barely took you serious in that first fight.

It got close, but it only got close because of this sloppy brawl. And then he just put a skill clinic on him in the second fight. Second fight wasn't even close. I think that that's the only kind, but that's not how Conor normally fights. He's not like a swarming, face-first brawler type dude. He's a guy who's

like, cautious about getting hit. I'm thrilled about it, but I'm also, I wish I wish I knew more about your side of the tracks. Well, we don't know enough about Conor because Conor has never had a professional boxing match. Right.

You know, and the thing is, you see his striking, but you only see his striking when he's working on kicks and wrestling and all that other shit, too. What if he just kicked him? Like, would that, I mean, just to do it. Just to let him know? Just to do it. That would be fucked up. It would be fucked up, but it would be hilarious. There's probably some stipulations in the contract that say you can't get him in an arm bar or choke him.

I think just kicking him in the head and knocking him out would be worth losing all the money and then getting more money after that. Could you imagine? He would be a goddamn folk hero. If they got in close, if they got in close and Floyd was like sucking and juking on the outside and he threw a jab to cover up a left high kick. And that left high kick necks him just dang. Yeah. And you see Floyd go limp and he would go limp. He'd never been high kicked like that.

Jesus, that would be crazy. Because if he didn't know it was coming, he could clip him with it. Like if he had no idea. If you hid a kick behind a punch like a lot of fighters do, they'll like throw a punch literally to cover your face so the kick is behind it already. And then boom! The kick comes like while your vision is already,

you're thinking about the next punch and bang, the kick lands and you get KO'd. Happens all the time. If he did that, that would be insane. Would it be worth it? It would, but it would fuck everything up. Because no one would ever trust another fighter from MMA To ever fight a boxer in a boxing match again Because we've only had the opposite happen, really Could they, after this

Could they do an MMA fight with the two of them? No! No? I don't know! Oh my god, it would last 30 seconds maximum. Really? That's if Conor wanted to give him an ear beating for 28 seconds. Look, Conor's so much better as a wrestler, as a submission artist, as a kicker.

There's just no way. He'll hit him with spinning elbows and shit. There's things you can't do in a boxing match that you're not expecting. And if someone just kicks your legs once, you're going to be like, oh, my God, what the fuck? Now, I'm just trying to think of a way to milk more money out of what's going on. I mean, you know, what's going to come in hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars? Yeah, this is the only way. This is the only way.

But this is a giant, big difference, though. Floyd would have to learn how to fight MMA style. He would have to learn how to stop takedowns. He'd have to learn how to fight MMA style. He would have to learn how to stop takedowns. He'd have to learn how to check leg kicks. And he'd have to learn how to defend submissions. And that will take years. And he's not going to do that at 40 years old. I don't know what he knows now as far as wrestling defense and what he knows about kickboxing or jujitsu or anything else.

I don't know what he knows. But if he knows nothing, he's 100% fucked. 100%, bet the house on it, fucked. Like, Conor might win a boxing match. I mean, maybe there's like a small percentage chance that he just runs in there and clips Floyd with a big shot and rocks him and then takes him out. I don't know what that percentage is, but if you ask a boxing expert, there's like 4%, 5%, right? That's what a boxing expert would say, which I'm not. But I'm an MMA

expert. And if they fought in an MMA fight, it's 100% that Conor would fuck him up. 100%. No ifs, no ands, no buts, no chance. No chance. Conor's gonna be farther away from Mayweather than anyone has ever hit him, and he's gonna be kicking him.

In the stomach, in the legs, and he'll soften him up, and the rounds are five minutes long, and eventually he gets a clinch. And when he gets a clinch, Mayweather is fucked. He's going to the ground. He's not going to be able to stop it. He's going to get mounted, and he's going to get elbows force-fed into his eye socket, his nose, his mouth, his jaw,

the sides of his head, his ears. He's going to get elbowed in the ear. He's going to get punches dropped down on him when he's totally pinned down and defenseless. He's going to have a knee on one of his biceps while the guy's literally on top of him, pounding him in the face. And he won't be able to get up. He won't be able to stop the crucifix. He won't be able to stop anything. He'll be tied up and smashed on the ground until he decides to choke him. So he'll be completely defenseless. So in that sense,

the odds would be insane if Mayweather decided in the next two months, because the fight's going to take place in August, if he decided in the next two months- Which, by the way, I feel like it's soon. Am I wrong? I feel like it's too soon. It's very quick. It's very quick. Maybe it's not too soon. Maybe they've been negotiating for a long time. But at least Conor knows something about boxing or this could be a thing. But if they just took it from now and said, two months from now you're going to have an MMA fight, holy shit, the odds would be 100,000 to one. Like if you ask any real MMA expert, they'd be like, how fucked is he?

Oh, he's 100% fucked. 100% fucked. And boxing experts think? Oh, he's 100% fucked. 100% fucked. And boxing experts think that Mayweather is 100% fucked, but they'll give him a slight chance. You never know. It's crazy. People are throwing punches. You never know, because Mayweather can throw a punch for sure, and Conor can throw a punch

for sure. Who knows what happens? Who knows? Most likely, though, Mayweather outboxes him. But you could see Conor landing something. It could be crazy. He's just the hardest person to land. It's not just that he's the greatest, but he's the hardest person to land a punch against. That's why I just don't see it. Ever.

Ever. It just. He's the best defensive boxer ever. Yeah. That's why it's boring. It's not. I mean, it is. It is.

But it isn't. By the way, I don't find it boring on a technical level. I find it boring on a social. I like the social element around a fight and the excitement. It's a very good way to put it. It's not a good, he's not like the best, you know, you can't look at your pizza while you're eating it because you got to keep your eye on the screen. Like a Tyson fight. Yeah.

Yeah, Tyson was the best example of, in a lot of ways, what was wrong with people liking boxing. Because I just wanted to see someone get slaughtered. Sure. You know? And then Arturo Gatti and Mickey Ward is like the other side of it. It's like neither guy can slaughter the other guy. And they keep slaughtering each other and coming back. Like that to me has always been my favorite kind of fight.

And torn, personally, because I know how dangerous it is for them. Right. Because it's such a horrible yeah horrible experience for their body just exchanging punch after punch after punch um a guy named tim haig just died this past weekend and he was a former ufc fighter who lost in the ufc and then went over and was fighting a bunch of other organizations and he sustained a series of pretty brutal knockouts. It was like a boxing thing, wasn't it?

A boxing act? So he fought a bunch of MMA fights, had gotten knocked out many times, and then went and just two months after a big knockout that he just had in April, fought a boxing match. So he had been knocked out in April. I believe it was April. i'm sorry if i'm wrong um that's what i read and then he's fighting again in this boxing match and he's outmatched he

takes his fight on short notice against a really good boxer i think he has like a one and three boxing record or something it's not a good boxing record and this guy just fucked him up and bad and the ko was brutal and apparently got knocked down several times in the first round. And he got hit with some big bombs and dropped and his head bounced off the ground. And he died. And it is a very rare thing for someone to die in boxing in the heavyweight division. It's usually the guys who dehydrate themselves and then come into a fight like really light. Those are the ones that usually die.

So this is pretty rare. There was like a serious beating in a fight between that really badass Cuban guy, Southpaw Big something Louise. He's a top contender right now in boxing in the heavyweight division, but he beat up this Russian cat and fucked him up and the guy wound up being in the hospital for quite a long time and I believe his career is over.

Had some swelling and bleeding on the brain, but he survived. But Tim has unfortunately passed away. Scary shit. So those fights, they come with a great consequence that we don't feel as spectators. Although I think people feel it now more

than ever. For sure. I mean, football too. I mean, I can't get over when you hear just a crack of a helmet. There it is. Why was a brain damaged fighter allowed to leave Madison Square Garden on his own? Yeah.

What is a homeboy's name there? Magomed Abdu-Salamov. Magomed Abdu-Salamov. And he was fighting Mike Perez. I think that's the fight. So I got the guy wrong, too. That's not the big Cuban heavyweight. I think I fucked it up.

It's a different Cuban heavyweight. By the way, have you been to the theater at the Garden there? That's a great place to watch it. Oh, yeah, it's amazing. I love it. That theater is amazing. Yeah. I'm doing stand-up there.

I'm excited. I'm excited. There's a big UFC fight at Madison Square Garden. What is that guy's name? Luis? No, Luis Gomez is a comedian. There's a top Cuban heavyweight. Something

God damn it. What a name overlap in boxing too. This guy was in a coma after this loss. Yeah. Seems like it was him. I think I got the wrong guy though. That was the right fight but I'm trying to figure out who the other guy is that I thought was this guy. That's another guy.

God damn it. He's one of the top guys. A really big dude. Luis Ortiz? Yes. Luis Ortiz. Thank you. I thought I was going crazy.

I never remember anything. That's why people, I have talked to people where they're like, you should do a sports thing. And I'm like, I'm not, again, like I reiterate, I'm a fan. And I'm like, I'm not, again, like I reiterate, I'm a fan. I'm such a fan, but I just don't have the knowledge to pull out of my little knowledge satchel. If you did, would you be interested in doing alternative boxing commentary? Say if, like, I feel like this is going to be the future of interactive television. You're not going to have just one commentator team. Oh, you have who you want?

Yeah, you have who you want. I would be the one who would be like, this is fun, everybody. I'd be the one who'd be like, I think he's cuter, but I think the other guy is better. So look, how about this? How about maybe a guy sitting down with his girlfriend, and she's like, I don't want to watch this fight unless we watch Morgan's commentary. And the guy's like, deal. Deal.

We got it. Perfect. I get to watch the fight unless we watch Morgan's commentary. And the guy's like, deal. Deal. We got it. Perfect. I get to watch the fight. You get to listen to Morgan. That's a fucking good idea. And that's not a hard setup. No. I talk a lot about a cut man.

I love a cut man. I love a close up of a wound over the eye. Of an end swell. Oh. Softening down. It's fascinating. Bruise tissue. There's something soothing about

it now when you were boxing were you sparring like a couple times a little bit with like a friend like not but let's just tap each other but like no it was i go with my friend amy and we would we would you know we would work out it was my workout i used it as like a workout and then i became buddies with uh with freddie roach and that was like at a time i was working at kimmel at the time and um and uh this is 12 years ago or something like that and uh and i would just work out and then occasionally do a little like freddie would have to do a little sparring but it was very you know very uh a couple couple points here and then done like i was very i was nervous i was nervous i spot when i was a kid i did a lot of was nervous. I sparred, when I was a kid, I did a lot of karate. I was, I sparred as a kid. I kicked some kid in the head at like a testing. And I remember the, uh,

instructor, uh, saying good job to me. Whoa. I just nailed some kid in the head. But, uh, but no, I mean, I went to the coolest thing about the wild card was, I feel like I, uh, Pacquiao was, was training there every day pretty much and freddie would let me stay when they closed the gym for pacquiao he let me stay and like watch him train which was that was awesome like 12 years ago to do that did you ever see brian callan at the gym uh yeah i feel like i i feel if we took if i didn't see him there we talked about it definitely brian Callen boxes all the time. He spars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's always talking to me about his sparring. I'm like, dude, stop sparring. Your brain is already soft. Like, what are you doing? I get excited about it. I fought a, it was more of a bit, but for Vice magazine, when it was just a magazine, we did a, I fought a heavyweight, a female heavyweight.

We did it in uh prom dresses um a very she wasn't allowed to really to hit you yeah she like could get her belts taken away and stuff but i brought this dude from the uh from the wild card is like my uh my corner man and we both wore uh prom dresses so she was a real fighter real fighter heavyweight fighter and then at one point i think i just jumped on her back. Oh, Jesus. And tried to knock her down. So she didn't try to hit you? You know, the plan was for her to try. And my plan was for me to allow her to try.

And then her manager was like, no, she's not allowed to. It's like, legally, she wasn't allowed to hurt me. You don't want that. I know, but I thought it'd be, you know. Good, so you'd get knocked out? Yeah, that'd be it'd be, you know. Good to see you get knocked out? Yeah, that'd be my fun little, you know. Did you ever see her when staying up? I always, don't you want, like, I get embarrassed when I haven't done something that sounds,

like, I would like to be able to say I got knocked out once. Really? Yeah. Don't say that. Someone come and knock you out. It's not good for you. Here you are. Oh, there's me.

She's picking you up. Yeah. yeah oh she seems friendly yeah heavyweight so how come you stopped doing it how come you stopped boxing good technique there like how you're uh thank you off the back foot uh freddie roach used to call my right the cannon and i felt real honored about that. You and Brian Callen, did you get together and narrate your own lives? I was known as the cannon. Yeah, I think I like, I can't, you know, honestly, I got like a little, I got like depressed and stopped boxing and started going to this coffee place instead.

It's just, that shit's boring. I got depressed. Stopped going to the gym so the gym didn't help you with depression like exercise this one was like a big dip so it was a few months away from that kind of stuff and i just stopped going and then i didn't go back because it was so by that time i i wanted to but it was also that gym became it was like it's like jeremy p's there every day. It just became such a scene that it became not what I had started going there for, if that makes sense. It does. You know, and I love it and I should absolutely go back. And frankly, I think Freddie Roach being as nice to me as he has been in my life as one of the stranger, you know, kind of, oh, I don't know.

He had no reason to sort of take me in. And he did. I almost moved in next door to the wild card with Fred. Like, it was like, you know, it was a dear friend for a long time. Whoa. I got to go back. We were going to live. I was going to live next to the gym almost for a second in the apartment attached to the gym.

But I was just in the middle of. That would be a crazy place to live. You hear the bells going off. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah. But he was great. He took me to boxing writers awards dinners and stuff. I got to meet a lot of great people.

It was a cool time in my life. But I just sort of... And then I moved to New York and I think that was a big part of it too. Did you find out of Kovalev Award if they had a standing 8 count? I found someone trying to describe the analysis and facts and said that it was

a unified rules, no standing 8 count was in that. Oh, see. That's it then. Well, if a guy quits and there's no standing 8 count, you've got to think of it as a knockout. It's like MMA. But if there's a standing 8 count, they would have given it to him there. Or what he should have done is probably take a knee. Kovalev probably should have taken a knee.

And if he took a knee, then he would get a 10 count. Then it would be considered a knockdown. Some low blows. Yeah, big low blows. Yeah, he definitely got hit low. And then there was a couple of them that are questionable, like on the belt line. Apparently they were saying Kovalev's belt was pretty high. It's funny because there tends to somehow in boxing something happens

be it a you know horrific judgment which i think happens a lot like to allow there to be another fight like it just seems to be like right something always fucking that's why when i have a lot of people over to watch boxing like i hate i hate the parts of the sport that seem like it's fixed because p i can appreciate the fight as a whole even without an outcome i think do you think this is fixed no no not this but i just mean in boxing there always seems to be something something happens that would make a rematch more attractive. Right, but that's just the nature of competition on a big scale like that with crazy consequences. Like the Klitschko-Anthony Joshua fight. That's the consequences of that fight.

Just fucking chaos. Guys getting knocked down to get back up and knocking the other guy down. Holy shit, then a kind of a controversial ending. Stop it. He was defending himself. But do you think there's more controversial endings in boxing than there are in MMA? I think people make split-second decisions on their referees in the heat of the moment. And when you're going to have that, you're going to have mistakes.

It happens all the time. And it has nothing to do— It just feels like there's a lot of mistakes. I do not think it's fixed. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I think especially with respected fighters, I think people do have biases for certain styles and there's certain, there's certain referees that will let a fighter defend himself further than

some will, some will, especially in MMA. Sure. And you know, judges are always sitting somewhere we're not, but I always, I always find it hard to explain to friends who come over who never watched that stuff, and I'm like, I love having people over and having, like I said,

the social aspect of sports to me is really fun, but when friends come over and they constantly see results that they don't understand, they're done with the sport, you know, whereas if you like it more, you can be like, ah, it happens. The problem is you're a people pleaser, and you're trying to get these people to like something that you like. Yeah. You should just let them think it's fixed. I've had so many conversations with guys like, MMA's fixed, man.

Just admit it. I'm like, oh, I don't want to talk to you. This is a silly way of approaching this issue. You don't know anything. Yeah. And you're trying to pretend like you know something so that right from the beginning we're fucked. Like, we can't have this conversation. You're pretending that you've seen enough fights.

You understand fighting enough. You've competed enough. You've been hit enough You've seen people get hit you know enough to know when something's real and something's not you know You know everybody else can't figure it out, but you figured out that a lot of the fights are fixed There's some fixed fights for sure. That's why I like I mean I write I mean obviously like last five years been obsessed with the Golovkin because he's just a knockout artist you can't you a beast. And you can't, you know, that's not, there's some proof to it. I mean, maybe with MMA, too, it's like you can, I would say that early stoppages in boxing are probably more. No, they're very common.

Are they common? They're very common in both sports. It's just people making mistakes. But my point is, there are going to be fixed fights. There's going to be people that do things. Just like there's referees in NBA, apparently they get busted trying to stretch games out and trying to call

fouls on certain teams and they work for people that bet money and they try to shave points. That shit's always going to exist. There's always going to be someone who tries to talk to a referee and says, listen buddy, I'm not saying that you should fix the fight. I'm saying if you see somebody get hurt, stop that motherfucker. Stop that fight.

Pull that trigger a little quick. No one's going to be mad at you. And there's that. There's definitely that. But how often does it happen? I bet it happens pretty rarely. I bet it's much more people making mistakes, much more people in the heat of the moment,

much more just the nature of the chaos of combat sport competition. Just wacky shit happens. people in the heat of the moment, much more just the nature of the chaos of combat sport competition. Just wacky shit happens. And people make big mistakes as referees. Just like, you know, people like you and I make big mistakes talking on a podcast. You're just talking off the top of your head, right? Sure. Make mistakes.

But with a referee, you're making a mistake for, like, this other guy's career. Like, for Kovalev. Like, to not recognize the low blows, to stop the fight the way he did. Kovalev fucked up. He should have taken a knee. Yeah, I mean, but that's the thing is that a lot of these things can lead to another fight. That's what I'm saying.

It's that without the controversy, there's less attraction. Yeah, but no one's going to agree to it. Look, Andre Ward is not going to agree to some sort of a predetermined outcome. Kovalev is not going to agree to a predetermined outcome. So those two principles, the most important parts of this equation, would never fucking ever agree to let the other person win. There's not a chance in hell Kovalev is just going down from a nut shot. Oh, no, I don't think it's fixed. I just think the controversy itself makes a rematch more attractive to viewers.

But the idea that somehow because it's fixed. No, no, no. Yeah. But a lot of people do. Dude, boxing's so fixed. That guy at the party just strolls over. Everybody at my house. I also seem to invite people over for the wrong fights.

You know what I mean? Where you're like, oh, the last one was fucking great. And then you have people over and it's like, ew. Yeah, exactly. I'm embarrassed. That's always how it is. There's so many people that just, they just don't,

they've never competed. And so like, they just, and there's also people that want to call bullshit. They want to be the first person to call bullshit. So they like, they're a little itchy on the trigger, calling bullshit on things.

There's always going to be that, right? Contrarians. A lot of contrarians. A lot of them. A lot of smart people are contrarians oh some of my smartest friends it's disappointing sometimes some of my smartest friends are always wrong well it's like what led them to be smart and curious it's like this distrust of things but contrarians also fun right you see the tide going one way, like, fuck that tide. A little sparring. A little verbal sparring.

A little verbal sparring. Keep it flowing. A little, yeah, that's a big thing with comics, right? I always, I find that the guys I tend to be attracted to are. Black guys? Are contrarians. Are just, it's a fight from,'s a fight from the get-go. Really? That's what you like?

A little bit. You like a little bit of a verbal sparring? I like a little bit of a verbal sparring, yeah. You like to see if they can hang. Yeah, and I... I'm totally driven entirely by being mentally stimulated. Then I'm in sexually. but if it's not fun, if the banter's not fun,

then I have no interest in fucking someone. I hear you. That's not how I feel at all. That's a difference between guys and girls, though. It is very much so. Especially with comics. I've heard that many times. Girl comics say they would never date a guy that wasn't funny, but you never hear that

from a dude. No that's that is that is uh it's it's funny that's it's it's one of the things i talk about the most with a lot of my like female comedian friends but it's just there's not there's no part of me that would be sexually interested in somebody who wasn't uh if not funny i mean if not funny they'd have to be, you know, brutally smart on a, you know, on a level that I don't even understand. Like some Stephen Hawking shit. Yeah, like I'd have to just, I don't know. I'd like to, this is going to sound wrong, but there's something fun and attractive about, you know, intellectually being put in your place. Wow, that's weird. Like you would intellectually being put in your place. Wow.

That's weird. Like you would like to be intellectually choked. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit. A little bit. I don't, I, you know, I don't, uh, I don't, I, I don't know. Maybe it's not the popular opinion, but.

Who gives a fuck? It's your opinion. It doesn't have to be popular. If you enjoy it. It's also like if somebody's, it doesn't have to be my thing even. If someone's great at their thing. Right. And I have no understanding of it, I find that to be attractive. So it doesn't necessarily always have to be a comedian and someone who is brilliantly hilarious.

I've been attracted to guys who are just brilliant at a thing that I have zero comprehension. How you even get good at it, let alone great at it. And something fun about it. Yeah, I'm always fascinated by those people for sure, but I don't find them attractive. No. Believe me, there are things I wish I was more attracted to. I wish I was attracted to money and looks and all the things that, you know. Do you really, though?

I do. Doesn't that seem unoriginal? It seems like there'd be more options. And then it would be easier, as opposed to waiting three years to find someone who just, like, hits the right button. And you're like, oh, God, I'm in. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah well to be able to be like tuned into someone in in a a mental way like your minds are tuned into each other where you can speak on the same terms where you can you can both recognize the

humor and things you both have opinions on things you you both enhance the humor in things. You both have opinions on things. You both enhance the conversations that you have. Like you throw in something that makes me laugh and I throw in something that makes you laugh. It's always so much more fun. Right. It just is. That's how it is with friends. That's how it is with everybody.

That's like what I said about Burr, like having that podcast with Burr. Just when me and Burr are alone and we're talking shit or our text messages we have back and forth with each other, they're hilarious. It's like that, to have a friend like that is a cherished thing. Right. To have someone that you could sit, and then if you could fuck them too, oh shit. Yeah, that'd be fun. But rarely happens. Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura.

It's one of the rare ones. One of the rare two funny comedians that get together and they both have a great time together. Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Voss. That's another one. Those are the two running contenders for the throne.

Those are the two contenders for the throne though. As far as funniest married couple. 100%. I don't see anybody else that's like at that level bonnie and rich and tom and christina i don't see anybody else at that level i'm trying to think it's rare but they're outliers think about it natasha leggero oh that's right i'm sorry i don't know i was i was i fucked up mosha and i fucked up natasha sorry there's they're both hilarious you're right i fucked up that's number three fucked up Natasha. Sorry. They're both hilarious. You're right. I fucked up.

That's number three. How did I not remember them? But that's number three. Those three people. Other than that, who? I don't know. I mean... That's three out of 300 million. They're one out of 100 million.

Most of the smart, funny guys I know don't need that in a woman. And that's, you you know it's not my place to judge like I wish there's part of me that like I was like you know how could you date her she's a fucking idiot whatever it is it's not my job to judge who stimulates you but you know it's it's it would be easier if I had more options I think do you think it would be cheesy if Moshe and Natasha went on stage with t-shirts that say one out of 100 million? Because maybe that could be like their tour name. Yeah.

Because they really are. Like if they're a really legitimately hilarious couple, they're both hilarious. That's maybe one out of 100 million. Is that, that's pretty legit, right? I mean, maybe there's somebody else that I forgot. Have you dated comedians? When I was like 21.

And I was like, oh, they're crazy too. Can't have this. Can't have crazy people feeding off each other. That just doesn't seem like a wise move. No. And also also it's too complicated i've seen what happens when guys date a comic and then they break up with each other and then she comes around with some new dude and the guy's all bummed out and like that happened with ari and natasha oh yeah i know yeah it's disastrous that's crazy, don't do that. No. No. Just be friends.

Unless you got to do what you got to do. It could work. The problem is that you're in the same scene as someone, so you got to work through all of your shit around the person that hurt you. And that's the hardest. But you might come out of it a better person. You might come out of it more open-minded more easygoing more forgiving Just deal just overcome positive

I don't always succeed, but I do my best But again, it'll it'll you know, it'll work out It's all gonna work out except for this fucking Yellowstone thing. God damn it. We're done. It's a gonna work out. Yeah. It's all gonna work out. Except for this fucking Yellowstone thing. God damn it. We're done. It's a lot of earthquakes. Do you know, I'd like a guy who does that, who like measures earthquakes and shit. Seismologist? Yeah.

You know, but like knows more about, like a real cynical seismologist who's like, we're done. We're cooked. What if you really liked a guy, but then you found out he was into jazz? It's happened. It's happened. I mean, like, oh, no. And you come home to your apartment.

I had a guy every time he called me, there was jazz on in the background. No. Every time. No. But he was a, you know, very serious actor. You know, like self-serious. He probably didn't even like the jazz. He just wanted it on in the background. Probably put it on in the background right before he called.

Yeah. So I called, someone's calling me. Like, made me seem more sophisticated. Brian Callen used to leave books out on his table that he wasn't really reading. I called him out on it. I came over to his house one time and he had the catcher in the rye or something like that. Sitting right on his coffee table. I'm like, bitch, you are not reading that.

He started laughing. He goes, I'm not. And I go, what the fuck do you have that here for, man? He goes, to impress girls. I go, I knew it. I knew it. It's just so obvious. To impress girls who don't ask any questions. Like he'd ever have to defend it or get into it or go, what's your opinion of it? Why would you date a girl who asks questions?

That's just, Jesus Christ, that seems like a disaster waiting to happen. If you date a girl and right away they come to questions. So what books have you read recently? Like, oh, Jesus, this is not going to work. Morgan Murphy yeah we just hit a low we stopped talking yeah what do we do now

just kind of rebuild momentum talk about new shit I wish I was like you know a big exciting lady you know with a lot of

with a lot of movement I think one of the best things you've ever done is that Carlos Mencia thing where you did his material. Oh, yeah. You said that you did it in 1920. What did you say? Like 1912.

I was trying to make it obvious that I was fucking with people, but it's not. Every few months I check. I see what's going on over there. And every comment is like, I don't care. He does it better like i'm just like i was fucking with you yeah you dummy it says 1912 what the fuck it's pretty obvious too the way you're doing it that it's a parody yeah i was reading off a cue card i made in five minutes i think there's certain people that are doomed they're just doomed you're never gonna get to

them you know it's like there's certain there's certain fish that can breathe with their gills, and they also can breathe air. They can suck air. Yeah. Not everybody has that ability. Not everybody has the ability to recognize humor or satire or just to see it. There's certain people that are, I just think they have a dull battery for a brain. It's more obvious and pronounced now more than ever because everyone's got a little bit of a voice on the old computer.

Well, more of a voice than ever. Now we get to see not only how they make their own jokes, but how they respond to yours. And the combination of both is startling, frightening. That and also, like, these people are illuminated now, where they might have been just in the shadows before. Some weird neighborhoods. And the good thing about it is that people that live in those weird neighborhoods, like kids, they get exposed to way more shit. Like, there is such a difference between when you travel and you go on the road now and you go to a town, like, in the middle of nowhere, versus going to a town in the middle of nowhere in the 90s.

You go to a town in the middle of nowhere in the 90s, you were in an outlier post. Like, you were in, like, some Mad Max type situation. You're doing some Minnesota gig in the middle of nowhere. Like, these people aren't't gonna know shit about the real world i mean they're gonna be trapped out here the town's only got 5 000 people in or something you're doing like a college out there good luck good luck but now they might as well be living in san francisco yeah they all have the internet yeah people just know things now they talk now it's funny doug uh he and i and he's right like but he'll he'll shit on me a little bit about They talk now. country across the fucking world like i am admittedly not that person and the places that

i think are sort of uh you know uh out there middle of nowhere like he'll put me in my place so fast of like this is nothing what's the darkest place you've been like in terms of like exposure to the light of enlightenment um the one gig i did with henry ph, uh, was in my, in my twenties, uh, Chris Fairbanks and Henry Phillips. And I went like, I, I, I don't have any crazy, like I don't do, uh, I don't do the drugs that would lead to better stories than the ones I have. But I, you know, just like where you're just sleeping on a twin bed with another comedian in a kid's room because his

parents own the pizza place that you drove up to perform at and there's like a 14 year old vomiting drunk outside the window like all just that kind of shit where you're just and you're a grown-up technically you're in your 20s and you're just going what am i what am i here for 50 dollars and a six-hour car ride and free pizza and a kid's twin bed and like people are having contests to see who can piss the highest outside like just that kind of shit where I'm just you know I and I at one point I sort of hate it now I just you know I think I think the friends that I have who go out and occasionally you know take me or go with them like I have so much fun now doing stuff that I used to you know that I got tired of I think in my 20s so it's interesting it's like i'm a little

bit reinvigorated well you realize that those things can be fun once you become a real professional first of all in the beginning you're so looking forward to working at the comedy store or the improv or right headlining seeing your name on the oh the billboard. Look. Yeah. But once you've done that, then you realize like there's actually fun in these places. Yeah. The problem is me freaking out about this two hours I have to spend in this shithole bar. I should be enjoying the fuck out of it.

I should be coming in here with a relaxed attitude, having a good time and experiencing this for what it is instead of experiencing like, oh my God, I'm so frustrated because I really want to climb my way up to being a professional comedian, but I'm stuck in this shit bar. But then once you kind of are, then you realize like, no, no, no, those are actually fun.

Oh yeah, now I have, but now I just like my only thing with my booking guys, like I just say I'll go anywhere that I haven't been to yet. Right. You know, I mean, name the place. If I like it, I'll go.

And if I haven't been there, I'll go. Like I love the unknown of it but uh but i'm definitely not a uh you know a veteran of the road which is the real issue is non-direct flights oh yeah any place where you go that doesn't have a direct flight you might get fucked yeah you could get fucked i mean for this this tour that doug's doing it's he's his tour managers driving car out from Arizona It's the East Coast. So they're just driving around and then I'll meet him out there Bunch of dates out there. That's a good way to do it. Yeah, I know My manager brought up getting a boss like doing a bus to our my hey. Hey doesn't Ron white have a bus

Oh, yeah, he's got a number one Hey, hey, hey, hey. Doesn't Ron White have a bus? Oh, yeah. He's got like a number one. A number one tequila bus? Yes, he does. Yeah, but that's Ron. You know, I have young kids.

Like, I'm not doing a bus. Gaffigan gets a bus when he has his kids out on the road. Good for him. Also, I like doing too much other shit. Yeah. I don't like being, like, if I'm just on the road for a month, that's not a healthy month. Yeah. I'm not on the road for a month, that's not a healthy month. Yeah. I'm not into that.

I don't want any weird fucking momentum taking over my life. Well, I feel that way. Like, I can't do it alone. I don't want to. It's no fun. I have no interest in doing it alone. And frankly, like, I can't afford to headline and bring people with me. I'm not that kind of a draw.

So I would much rather go out with friends who can bring me, do a little less time, and have a good time with a bunch of friends. Yeah. Like that's, you know, it's not the, you know, front lines, brave way to go about stand-up comedy. But it's just like I have no interest in suffering on the road. And why should you? Why do you have to have that interest? Well, no, I mean, I think there are certain people who are like, well, you're taking the easy way out.

You're not headlining this week. You're going out. You're doing a nice 30, 35 max, and it's like, yeah, well, that's what I'm doing this week. So what? I don't know. Who gives a fuck? Why is that a bad thing?

I know a lot of guys do that. They do that all the time. They'll headline, and sometimes they'll go on the road in their middle. Who gives a shit? The things that people worry about and pick apart are just so goddamn pointless. Plus, you get the opportunity to go out with Stanhope. Why would you not want to do that? And I figured out a long time ago like the the road there's two types of road there's road by yourself

which can get real lonely it's depressing it can get very lonely or there's a road with friends yeah where's the party it's amazing it's fucking great i remember looking at a window at like springfield illinois i was like 19 or 20. Oof. And I just looked out the parking lot window and I was like, I love stand-up and I love comedy, but I said, this is not for me. This will destroy me.

I did all of my gigs on the road by myself until I could afford to not do it anymore. And then right around the end of the 90s, I started taking Chris McGuire on the road with me a lot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then, um, right around the end of the nineties, I started taking Chris McGuire on the road with me a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then once I could afford like, and it costs money, like you'd have to pay for the flight and pay for the hotel room. But I'm like, I would rather be out a few hundred bucks here and there and have a good time. It made the, the experience infinitely better. I went to do Phoenix recently just for a night and to get like some, some time in that I couldn't get in LA.

And so I went out there for the night to do a long set. And I said, I'm bringing my friend. And I realized who your friend, her name's Chris. And they were like, Oh, you know,

she's where she performed. Whenever I go, she's my best friend from college. She's really funny. And she does some standup. And I was like, I'm bringing her with me. Like I was like, fuck it.

Like it wasn't. And she's more of a comedic actress who does some live performance stuff. And she did fucking great. She had to do 10, 15 minutes. She was perfect. I'm like, I could have brought someone who's been doing comedy 12 years. I was like, I wanted to go with my best friend. Right.

That's what I wanted to do. You wanted to have fun. Wanted to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. It makes it way better. You're in Minnesota, but you're home yeah it makes it way better you're in minnesota but you're home yeah you know you're in cleveland but you're home yeah we it's the best it's the best and the camaraderie between comedians it's like such an unusual camaraderie it's very unusual well it's it's also uh i gotta remember being on the um

the uh the train like we were you know, Doug's a cranky traveler. Is he? Oh, yeah. I mean, he'll tell you firsthand. And we were, we landed LAX and then it was like, it was a different airlines. We had to get on like a shuttle to go somewhere. Like a shuttle after the plane is like, you know, when someone doesn't like surprises like that. So it's on the shuttle, but it's just like constant like jokes about like, like we're going to Auschwitz, but like loud Auschwitz jokes on like the, you know, American airline shuttle with like people around you.

And like, I'm a little more sensitive to like, I'll look around and go like, oh, we're not liked here. But there's, it's, it's, there's, there's nothing better than being around other people who like speak your language and you don't have to explain anything ever. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the things that Doug said to me once. It was hilarious.

He goes, he goes, I think I could quit comedy, but I could never quit comedians. Oh, that's like a sensitive shit. It is. It's deep. that's like a sensitive shit it is it's deep i was telling him like if everything goes wrong he could clearly organize some sort of a village in bisbee and all the comics moved to him i i uh i'm i'm i'm considering what i got i got i got a i have a bisbee realtor what yeah i do you're thinking about buying i'm not gonna i'm not gonna i'm not i have to i have to be in la my my work is in la doesn't have to be in LA my work is in LA Doug doesn't have to

be in LA but I haven't found a place that offers me the way that place does I haven't found a place that offers me everything I don't realize I miss when I'm in LA. Like what? The second I get there it's it's a sense of calm it's a sense of reprioritizing your day around things that have nothing to do with show business and, you know, being around people who aren't in the business. I mean, most of my friends weirdly are not comedians like that I hang out with every day, but I don't know. I mean, the other day, like I was there and we had a little like pickup basketball game plan for like 9am and like eight people showed up to watch me play this dude Kenny like it's just small town kind of shit but with people who seem to have figured out why they're there too and um I just really dig it I dig the whole vibe I dig I dig the city the town

or whatever I like the drive there even and I think it's a drive from LA no it's I haven't driven from LA flying to fly into Tucson, drive like an hour and a half, but I always was obsessed with getting a place in Costa Rica or Nicaragua where anytime I go to another country and I'm like, oh, this is it. This is my spot. Really? And there's a lot... Yeah. Do you think that's because you traveled a lot

when you were a kid? I think so. I think there's a part of me that has a little bit of a problem staying still because I never knew that kind of consistency. But the thing I realized about Bisbee, which, which, again, is so like Doug's thing that it's almost funny, but it's I, I, it's all those feelings that I had in even in other countries where I was like, it's getting away, but it's close enough. Right. You know, it's just, but you still feel like you're on the outskirts. And you feel like you go back in time a little bit there. You know, and there's something refreshing about waking up and going, I'm going to go get my coffee at the one coffee place.

I'm going to go get my, this kind of food at the one place that has this kind of food. You know, I'm going to go get my fresh eggs from the lady who has fresh eggs and come from her chicken. Like, it's just shit that I don't do here. and i didn't even think i wanted to do until i got there right i get it i like those places i love boulder which is much bigger than bisbee but still for the same reasons i think um what we do specifically also like you're in front of crowds all the time i think there there's like a real benefit to being away from crowds. Yeah.

And just smaller groups of people, it's more relaxed. Yeah. And it's also, you know, I think you go somewhere a certain number of times, you meet kind of the people

that are there. I mean, obviously I've met a lot of Doug's friends and stuff. And, you know, once you're not bothered, you go from a place of like,

ah, I wonder if anyone's going to annoy me. No one annoys you. Then you're like, I really like it here. Then you're like, oh, I really love it here. Then you're like, you're not bothered, you go from a place of like, ah, I wonder if anyone's going to annoy me. No one annoys you. Then you're like, I really like it here. Then you're like, oh, I really love it here. Then you're like, I think I could have a place here. So you're thinking about legitimately picking up shop and moving to Bisbee and then keeping an apartment here.

And then when you're not working like in Hollywood shit, you live in Bisbee and you go on the road from there. Yeah, not quite, but I am thinking about having something consistent that, like, I will probably have to be here the majority of the time for the foreseeable future. But I'm curious about what it would be like to have my own little spot that I could go to when I want to. And, you know, in doing it enough now, I realize, realize like you can go for a weekend and it feels like a good, you decompress. Fuck yeah.

You know, there's a cave for sale out there. Yeah, I know. He's trying to get, did you see, he's trying to get, so far I feel like, I don't know if you were interested, but I know me,

Kreischer, Roseanne, Norm, and Doug, like the people who have expressed interest in this cave of going in and getting it. I was like, oh, I would live in that fucking insane asylum in a heartbeat.

Dope. Yeah, it's amazing. It's super dope. You should get it. Thought about it a couple times, I'm going to be honest with you. You should. Yeah. I mean, I'm looking at like a, you know, a little craftsman one, two bedroom.

I mean, I want just a little place to go with my dog and stuff, but you know, if you get the cave, I'll stay there and clean it for you. The problem is if you get the cave, everybody knows where you live. That's true. Yeah. Get a keep outside. Oh, that's it. That's all you need. Keep outside. And some wild javelinas roaming around your yard. You could hire a number

of people there who would gladly stand in the front of your driveway with a gun. Really? Yeah. Sweet. How many guns? Do they have backup guns? I don't know. Living in a cave would Really? Yeah. Sweet. How many guns? Do they have backup guns? I don't know. Living in a cave would be the shit. If you could live in a cave,

it's carved into the mountain. There it is right there. It feels right for you. Young Jamie's got it. That's what I'm saying. But I'm saying that so far, and Doug thought 10 people,

Doug, me, Roseanne, Bert. You have to live with Bert. No, I don't have to live with him. I'm going to buy it. Bert, come stay over, but you drink too much. Can't live with you, bro. Look at this thing.

This thing is the shit. Yeah, you see the wall. I mean, all the outdoor stuff, too. I want to live in this place. The lake and the water. I would write some awesome stuff in this house. I always think that. I write my best material.

That's what I keep thinking. I keep trying to find the house that I think I'll write. Don't jump up, though. You hit your head. You'll die. No one will find you. always think that. I write my best material. That's what I keep thinking. I keep trying to find the house that I think I'll write. Don't jump up, though. You'll hit your head. You'll die. No one will find you. Look at that. That's the bed. The bed is carved into the ground. No, that's like a... Is that a fireplace in there? Oh, that's beautiful. It's got like a carpet and some

pillows. Is that a fireplace? It's a yoga room. A yoga room. Oh, pretentious. You have a room to do your yoga. That's a little built-in studio type thing, right? Oh, that's a real house. Yeah, and then- Oh, you got a real house.

That's security. And then you got all this land and water and shit. So the real house, you take some Rambo type character. That's where I would work. Right there. Back it up. Back it up. Want to see where Morgan would work?

I'll work at that table. Dude, would you have coffee? And your wife be pouring you the coffee like Hunter S. Thompson, that classic picture of him at Big Sur? God, I need a wife. You already have one. I'm tired of shit. That lady who's trying to get you to have a kid.

My housekeeper? Yeah, she's your life partner. She really is. That's a fucking amazing view. Holy shit. Yeah. I might have to buy that cave. Keep going.

Fucking amazing view. Holy shit. Yeah. I might have to buy that cave. Keep going. It's like if we were going to move to a new spot, this would be a spot to move to. God, that's beautiful. I would get in bikini shape for that little lagoon.

You have to give me six months before you buy it. You could get resident tags for animals. Yeah. Go hunt animals in the mountains around there. Oh, don't shoot my dog. No, not your dog. I have dogs, too. Jesus. God.

Just don't accidentally. I know. But I feel like you're also got a trigger finger, got an itchy trigger finger. You think so? Yeah. I think you have the wrong impression of me. Oh. I think you think I'm more volatile than I am.

How many people live in Bisbee? I don't know. What is it? Thousands? Five? That's ten. I don people live in Bisbee? I don't know. What is it? Thousands? Five? Ten? I don't know. Five?

I don't know. I have no fucking idea. The elevation's really high, though. Playing basketball was hard. Like, what's the elevation? It's like a mile high. It's crazy. Really?

Yeah. I was deep. I would say two baskets in. 5,000 feet? I was leaning over real hard. Could barely play. The city was, wow. Population is 5,000 too.

Elevation is 5,000. Population is 5,000. 5,500 on both. It's perfect. Yeah, I got a little. This last time I was there, I got a two-bedroom Airbnb. Little house, hot tub, all that shit. 85 bucks a night, two-bedroom house.

Dude, that's a good deal. Is there a gym there? Yeah, you know what? You got to ask Doug because his buddy, his husband, he just joined a gym that's like a minute away. Like that's right there. And they talk about that. In Tucson, you said an hour and a half drive? Hour and a half drive.

That's not that bad if you need to really do something. It's like going to Santa Barbara. That's what I said to everyone I work with. I was like, I'm going to leave. I can be back in three hours. Basically, I just said, let me know if I need to come back for any kind of emergency shit, and I'll be back. Wow.

Easy to go. In the mountains. Does it get cold there at all? I think it gets cold at night sometimes, but you got to say, the weather's amazing in that, like I've talked to, my dad called me, he's like, oh, I hear it's real hot there. And I'm like, it's so breezy constantly in Bisbee. It feels, it gets really hot, but not as hot as it does in other areas because of the elevation. Yeah, 5,500 feet is fucking high. I would imagine.

Interesting. You going to do it? What's the economy there? Like, what do people do nothing why are they there i don't know i just piled up i don't know why anybody else is there i mean i know why i go how many people have moved there because of doug i think uh hundred i think more than people would think yeah it seems like it seems like there's quite a few folks who hundreds no i don't think so i know i i that i don't think so i mean it's it's almost uh

like i remember talking to doug about liking it and i almost felt like i had to ask him like hey i think i'm gonna come out like like is that okay i know it's your fucking town like it's it's you want to be the one who finds it i mean i've been out like four times brought my friend i bought my my buddy bill from he he's a good friend of mine out here. Like, we hit the road. Like, it's, I would, it's the kind of place that I want to bring people to and show them. Did Doug get excited when you thought about moving there? I think, you know what?

I can't tell. You can't tell. Like, it seems happy, but then also there is a part of when a place is somebody's thing you don't want to intrude intrude right i get it so i don't know i mean i i also don't think i'll you know i would just love a little a little second little rustic place where i do nothing where i do all my nothing i like it i'll live in your cave would you want to watch the cave? I'll watch the cave. Would you? Yeah. No weird stuff though, right?

No. Whenever you let a comic watch your house, and then like art. I mean, I might have some processed sugar in the cave if that's going to be a big problem for you. It's going to be an issue. Yeah. That's super bad for you, Morgan.

Keep it out of your body. Keep it out of my cave. I just take a picture of like Doritos in front of your favorite places in a cave. It's funny that they can't get anybody to buy that cave. I would feel like that would be something that people would be trying to buy up. The problem is, try selling it. Trying to sell a cave to someone who could afford a $3 million cave? There's not a lot of those dudes out there.

Or women. This cave house is in France. Oh! Oh! Yeah, someone who could afford a three million dollar cave like there's not a lot of those dudes out there or women This cave house is in France. Oh Oh, you're balling you're balling so strong. You're on the side of a mountain Hope it doesn't go all Pompeii on your ass though But you know what you could do a lot of this shit with the cave and Bisbee you could do a lot of that low Seating I see it happening. I'm really now. I really want you to get that fucking cave. Wow, you're digging in. How about an amphitheater outside, amphitheater? Have folk singers come by?

There's a small little amphitheater in the park in Bisbee. Is there? Yeah, a little one. You could do a show there. Oh, what is this? It's a different one. Oh, my God.

I typed in the cave house in Bisbee, but a lot of cave houses are just coming up too. I saw a special on one of them television shows about houses where they're just coming up to on cool issues. I saw a special on one of them television shows about houses where they're just all cave houses. People building houses in caves, carving art into the wall.

Yeah, we're going back, back to the caves. Well, it's just people are bored. They just want something interesting. Look at this fucking place. Jesus Christ. Where he lives is so goddamn important. Every place has a different feel to it. That's why the idea of countries is so goddamn important. Every place has a different feel to it. That's why the idea of countries is so fucked up.

Stopping people from living somewhere awesome. Well, yeah. I mean, if you told me, like, I can't go to Bisbee anymore, I can't go to Arizona. Perfect example. I'd get pissed. If somebody drew a line around Bisbee. No, this is Bisbania. Now, you can't come in unless you have

papers. Do you have any exceptional talents that we would want to let you into Bisbania? Alright? I mean, shit. Just 300 years ago, this wasn't even real, right? 300 years ago, there was no America. It's not too hard to believe that one day Bisbania could be

a real thing. Maybe Doug takes over. Maybe they invent some stem cells that let Doug live for a long time, like way longer than he's supposed to. Like five more years? 500. 500 years.

And 300 years from now, Doug is like some crazy old wizard mayor. Is this all the people in his... Oh, yeah, I don't know these people. All those guys that

moved there. Well, that's Andy. I know Andy Andrews. Where's Andy? Far left. Green underwear. Yeah, yeah. In front with a black there. Well, that's Andy. I know Andy Andrews. Where's Andy? Far left. Green underwear. Yeah, yeah. In front with a black hat.

And then there's, I don't know, those other dudes. Probably Bisbanians. They need to, Bisbania, need to declare it their own country. It's not a bad move, right? Who's going to stop you? No one's even going to leave you alone. Just keep it low key. It's cool that you're five minutes from Mexico, too.

You do a little drive into Mexico. Shit goes down. Just bolt south low key. It's cool that you're five minutes from Mexico, too. You do a little drive into Mexico. Shit goes down. Just bolt south the border. Ooh, ooh. Take the money and ride. All right, Morgan, I think we've taken too much of your time. It's almost 2 p.m. Done almost three hours.

What? Yeah. That crazy? Oh, my God. I can't wait to look at the comments. Don't read that shit. Are you going to read that? No, I don't read anything. That's why you get depressed. No, I don't read comments. Good for you I don't either. I don't need someone telling me I sound fat

Where can people see you? Where can they get in touch with you? Where can they send you dick pics? I am on Twitter Morgan underscore Murphy, I'll be out on the road with Stan Hope from the 22nd to the 3rd of July. You can look at his website for those dates. And, oh yeah, Doug's got a special thing coming out on like CISO, I guess. That's me and Brendan Walsh. It's Glenn Wohl. He hosts this thing in South by Southwest that's coming out

oh beautiful awesome Doug's the executive producer? Doug like hosted and brought out me Brendan and and Glenn oh that's excellent and when is that coming out? I don't know Morgan Murphy I'm glad we're friends you're a very very funny person oh you're the best

that sounded real Jamie anything to say before we leave? no friends. You're a very, very funny person. Oh, you're the best. That sounded real. Jamie, anything to say before we leave? No. Alright, that's it. Thank you, Morgan. Thank you. Bye, everybody. See you soon.