The Joe Rogan Experience - #988 - Nick Swardson

Episode Date: July 25, 2017

Nick Swardson is an actor, stand-up comedian, screenwriter and producer. The second season of his Comedy Central series "Typical Rick" is available now on YouTube -- https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5qiy2BvfPO1eXrGgwbs5oSp

Turn on the lava lamp. He knows how to turn on everything, his name is Young Jamie. Three, two, one. I'm live with Nick Swartzen, former drug dealer. Nick, tell us your tale. Tell us your tale of Youth Gone Wild. It's a tale of Youth Gone Wild. We are the Youth Gone Wild.

We are. How many people like broke windows because they heard that song? Like, yeah, it's me, man. I'm fucking crazy. I'm wild finally somebody labeled it we are the youth gone wild like in songs could be inspiring in a bad way sometimes right yeah they can get you to do some stupid shit dude you know how many people carelessly whispered i know fucking careless dude how many people woke people up before they go go

yeah woke them up they were not ready to go go yeah they don't they weren't planning on going solo god yeah we lost a lot of fucking people this year when you stop and think about george michael prince who's the latest one there was some big ones like in park chester bennington yes that's right chester that was a big one and chris cornell both in the same way yeah and then chester committed suicide on his birthday. Dude. Chris Cornell's birthday. Dude.

Yeah. That was a really, that was a weird one, man. That guy was 41 on top of the world. The lead singer, one of the biggest rock bands of all time. But it's hard to say what caused him to be so fucked up, but most people point to he was very sexually abused when he was a young kid and That just he never he just never recovered from that and then you know yeah I never knew him, but I had friends that really close to them, and they just said he was like the most gentle sweet guy

Fucking powerful voice man. Oh, yeah, yeah, that guy would shred whoo Powerful yeah, no, it's horrible It's so hard for people to understand that you could be the lead singer of like I mean arguably one of the biggest bands of Our generation yeah giant huge arena filled up there was a photo of him Standing on stage with no shirt on in this massive arena show and everybody had their cell phone lights on you know People do that now in Stella lighters. Yeah, I was a kid back when i was a boy we didn't have cell phones we burned our bodies we had fire and we had fucking fire hazards but he was um he was standing on stage i was like yeah that's the photo like look at that shit man that's sick no one could ever possibly imagine

that that guy would not be insanely happy i mean mean, look how many people love that guy. You're just getting a tiny fraction of the love that guy must have gotten. And it still wasn't enough. Yeah. So hard to understand. I mean, yeah, that level of just inner sadness and darkness. I mean, good Lord. It's just awful to think that that guy went through to get to that point and he had six kids

Yeah, so I mean it's just like it had to be so much That even having kids and being with his kids wasn't enough Fuck man That's a crazy picture though. That's a sick photo. Oh my god in the rafters Yeah, I mean that's probably like 30 000 people or something crazy Yeah, look at all the way up in the rafters. Yeah, I mean, that's probably like 30,000 people or something crazy. Yeah. Look at all the people that don't have phones. Yeah.

What's their deal? Losers. Maybe they're just cheap. Maybe they're like Ari. Maybe they just went flip phone. I can't handle it. I can't handle all the apps. It's just too much.

Too much temptation. Ari's resisting it. He's going to be chopping his own wood soon. Ari's going to have a well. I guarantee you. Ari's going to. He's going to be chopping his own wood soon. Ari's going to have a well. I guarantee you. He told me he wanted to buy land and I was like, do you want to build a house? He goes, no, no, no. I just want to camp there. I was like, what? Buy land

to camp on. Yeah, he's going to buy land, but he's not going to build a house. Like land land or a plot? Ari likes camping. They were calling it glumping which is camping with cum it was him camping big jay okerson big jay posted it on his instagram page but he loves being outside he loves nature he just i mean i get it look if you can camp if you really don't need a house what do you need you need a trailer to keep your shit in

you need like a trailer to put pots and pans in Yeah, if you still want shit You know what I mean? You can't have posters anymore Yeah, no posters Can't put Farrah Fawcett on the roof of your tent Can't put Youth Gone Wild poster up We are the Youth Gone Wild We are the Youth Gone Wild

Yeah, how many fucking songs Why don't you just fucking go camping? Why do you have to buy... To me, that's not camping if you own a plot of land and then you're just sleeping on it. Is that technically camping? That's a very good point. That's sleeping on your land. That's like if you're hunting and there's a fence around the animals and you're only on one acre.

Exactly. Is that really hunting? It's not fucking hunting, man. You're just chasing down shit that can't run away. Yeah. You're cheating. You're not camping. No bears are going to just wander up by your campsite. Exactly. Is that really hunting? It's not fucking hunting, man. You're just chasing down shit that can't run away. Yeah. Yeah. You're cheating. You're not camping.

No bears are going to just wander up by your campsite. Nope. That's part of the thrill of being a camper. Yeah. You're out there for real in the wild. Yeah. You can't be on your own little land, unless your land is huge. But then if your land is huge, and say if you have one of those ranches in Texas.

Right. You ever see those? Texas is like something insane amount of Texas is private land. There's not a lot those ranches in Texas. Right. You ever see those, you know, Texas is like something insane amount of Texas is private land. There's not a lot of public land in Texas. It's just all giant ranches. And some of them are like 10,000 plus acres, like 20,000, 100,000. Like you could camp there, I guess, because it takes you like three hours to drive across

it. That's weird. Yeah. Drive to your house, man. That's too much land. It's too much, right? It's too much. Why? It's too much. Why do you need that much land?

How about Ted Turner? Doesn't that guy own the most land of anybody in the country? Here today, King Ranch sprawls 825,000 acres of South Texas land, an area larger than the state of Rhode Island. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? As the home of 35,000 cattle and over 200 quarter horses. King Ranch is one of the largest ranches in the world today.

I wonder if they hunt on that ranch. Who owns that? Which king? Some fucking baller. He might as well be. He's the king of Rhode Island. Burger King? Maybe it's a Burger King guy.

That is insane, man. That is insane. No gay bars. I'll get three or four in there for sure that would be amazing no gay bars but there's plenty of trek stops rest stops are like where they're at now they haven't really gotten to the full on gay bar not full admittance they just wanted them meet at the rest stops yeah remember we were kids that was like the thing like you'd always know that dudes would try to bang dudes at a rest stop.

100%. Like if you're at a rest stop and someone knocks on your door and it's a dude, he's looking to get a blowjob. Yeah. There's no rest there. Nobody's resting. You're resting off fucking dicks. People are wide awake and in your mouth.

But how did they figure out to meet at rest stops? I've always wondered. Like, how does that work? CB radio. That's how it was, dude. Breaker, breaker, one, nine. I'm looking to suck some dick. Anybody out there?

Holler back. 69er, 69er. Coming in. Breaker, breaker, one, nine. I like to meet in bathrooms. The smell of shit excites me. Over. Do you remember when that... Do you remember when that... was it a senator or whatever the politician was the

gentleman who got arrested in a sting operation because so many dudes were sucking dicks in the bathroom at the uh airport i think it was like it was in fucking minneapolis where i'm from yeah yeah and then people called me about it i was like like, what the fuck? I don't know. Hey, man, what's the code? What's up with your airport? What stall is it? How many taps on the foot? But it had to be so many people that they actually went and put a cop there to try to bust people.

I mean, how many people have to get their dick sucked in a place before they hire a cop? Yeah. Like, well, we found a hot spot. Like, they figured it out. Here it is. Senator pleaded guilty reportedly after bathroom stall incident.

That's, yeah, arrest Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport. Yeah. And he was, uh, he was, like, tapping on the ground. They had a way of tapping. Yeah, there was a tap move. Yeah.

Okay, what does he say? At the time of the incident, I complained to the police they were misconstruing my actions. I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct, he said. I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously.

Oh, I get it. And I travel wearing tap shoes. See, part of me thinks this is hilarious. But part of me is sad that this guy has to, like, hide what he's into, and he has to hide in bathroom stalls and learn some fucking secret tap. And just smell farts from around the world as he's coming. According to the arrest report cited by Roll Call, Craig tapped his right foot, which the officer said he recognized as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.

But what if you're there and you just tap on your foot? Yeah, what if you're just impatient because your shit's taking so long? Oh, he said other stuff? Next, oh, he also then entered the stall next door and blocked the door with his luggage. Oh, Jesus Christ. What does that mean? How did other people get in then? Oh, my God.

Oh, was he in there with somebody? He was trying to block anybody from coming in. Oh, my God. He must have been just going to town on guys in that airport. That was his spot. And people were kicking, trying to kick in the door. What was happening there? I got a shit.

But how does a spot become notorious? How does a rest area... What does it say? Proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times. I want to know what the fuck the cop was saying. If he was like, stop. I can't do it here. I can't tuck your dick here.

We don't know what the cop was saying. What if the cop was totally leading him on? I mean, it sounds like he had the green light. Unless the guy's a total psychopath. When you go into a stall with another dude and you stack up your luggage in front of the door, that's a bold move. That's weird. It seems like you would only do that if you were emboldened. He didn't just tap his foot.

He touched the officer's foot with his foot. He reached his foot all the way under. Here's my question. We know cops are full of shit, right? Just like people. People are full of shit. But cops are people. Not all cops.

A lot of cops are awesome. We know some cops are full of shit. But cops are people. Not all cops. A lot of cops are awesome. We know some cops are full of shit. Like, when something like this happens, I feel like it's one person versus another person. I don't really feel like a cop's word is worth more than a regular person's word. Because I think a cop is just a regular person. Right. I think you should listen to them when they're doing the job. But something like this, it might have been exactly as this cop described.

But it might have been like that Baltimore cop That got busted planting drugs With his fucking camera He had a body camera on And what he didn't understand is when you turn on a body camera It records 30 seconds before you turned it on So just in case you turn it on In a moment of duress with something crazy going on You're like shut the camera

And you press it on they can see someone committing a crime perhaps So you have a 30 second buffer I didn't know that He didn't know that either dude So they got on video 30 seconds of him going back and planting the drugs that he then pretended to find Oh my god, dude. That's horrifying horrible Fucking horrifying that's horrible see because if you're gonna be able to convict somebody, and this guy says this, and that guy says that, and who do you believe? Well, I believe the cop.

He's an officer of the law. That's crazy because it's just a person. This is not a disrespectful thing against cops. I'm not a disrespectful person. No, but that's a scary amount of power. It's a scary amount of power, and it's just a person. Now, some people, like I have a bunch of friends that are cops, and they know how to handle it.

They've handled it, and they get it. They know what it is and they're real cool about it. Like Big John McCarthy, the ref for the UFC. He's one of the best examples. Big John, he was a serious cop involved in some fucking hairy shit for years. One of the nicest guys you ever want to meet and totally fair and reasonable guy. And he was a guy that was like a bright and shining example of what a cop could be. And if the world was filled with big John McCarthys as cops, it'd be a wonderful place. And I think we'd all figure it out. But cops are just people, man. Especially when these cops are going into these situations.

Like imagine being a 21-year-old guy, however the fuck old you are. And all of a sudden you're working in like uh camden new jersey like get the fuck out of here you're not ready for that you're some regular dude and you're gonna get thrust into some chaotic almost semi-war zone yeah in some of these bad neighborhoods these people have to patrol yeah and just another world with another set of rules and just shit just going down and all the time anything you're coming up on is most likely a threat to your life. You pull a guy over. Like, you pull a guy over in a 65 Impala.

What are the odds that guy doesn't have a gun? Right? You see, like, one of them lowrider cars, and you see some gangster-looking fellas with some crazy face tattoos and shit, and they're driving one of those cars. Can you imagine having to pull over someone who you knew was probably willing to shoot you? And you have to talk to them about their brake light being off, or they were five miles an hour above the speed limit. You know the videos.

You've seen videos of cops getting shot. We all have. You know that that could happen. You're around people just lying all the time. They're all lying. Yeah. How many of them are telling the truth they talk to you 90 full of shit 90 so every day it's just stress panic i mean like when i would get

pulled over i mean like i panicked i fucking like yeah that cop that shot that chick the the recent one where the woman called in minnesota yeah she for the police, and then she came out, and when she came out, the cop shot her. That, to me, is the perfect example of why we should reassess what a cop is and reassess how many people get to be cops. It's an extraordinary responsibility. You're putting on just any person, An ordinary person, I would say. I think you have to be an extraordinary person to be a good cop. For sure.

And I think you also have to deal with the fact that there's been a lot of bad cops and there's a lot of prejudice against cops. Those are like two giant factors. But I think that job where you decide whether or not you pull the trigger and end someone's life. And you're a panicker. You know, you're a panicker. You're not a guy who does well in confrontational situations. Maybe you haven't been in a lot of conflicts. Maybe you've seen too much shit.

Maybe you've seen too many people get shot. Maybe you're suffering from PTSD. Maybe you're on edge all the time. Maybe you have nightmares that someone's going to take you out. And then all of a sudden you're in the hallway. And this lady comes out or an alleyway and you shoot her. And you're like, what the fuck? Like you might not even saw her.

You know, people have hallucinations under great duress. Like when they think their life is on the line, they see things that aren't really there. It happens to people all the time. They'll, they'll like mistake someone for something else. They'll mistake someone for an attacker. You know, I mean, that's fucking insane. I mean, she called the cops. Crazy.

That's what's fucking insane to call 911 because she heard what she thought was a woman being assaulted, and then to approach the cop car and to get fucking shot. Crazy. I mean, like, what? But what it is is people not handling pressure very well. Pressure is such a massive factor in the way people behave and there's no bigger pressure than you showing up you have bright shiny lights you're in the enemy car okay you were in the enemy enemy uniform and they know you have a gun and how many of them have watched

so many videos on tv of cops planting evidence or on youtube of cops planting evidence of kids being shot by cops and stories where cops got on the back i mean like crazy shit right so you're dealing with the weight of that when you step out of your car yeah i mean that's anxiety 24 7 dude that's a job that is insanely hard to do and we should we should figure out a way to re-engineer that position. We should figure out a way to give them more help, more support, and explain. The only way cops and civilians are going to get along is if there's no fuck-ups or very, very few fuck-ups. Anytime something like this happens, you've got to realize you've got a bad system. You can't have just a regular person and give them a gun. Right.

What kind of psychological training do they have? Have you seen what they're like? How did they get the gig? Have you seen what they're like under the gun? Have you seen what they're like when someone wants to beat their ass? Have you seen what they're like when someone is throwing punches at them, trying to kill them? Some guy, randomly, right? He answers a call.

He opens a door. A guy's throwing bombs at him. How does he, what does he do? How does he handle this? Does he shoot the guy? Does he run away? Can he fight back? Has he ever been punched? Right. Fuck, man. You're asking some regular person to just be involved in a potential like civilian war zone on any given day. Like if you're in Miami, Florida and someone gunshots fired in a warehouse, like what are the odds? These guys don't have like piles of cocaine in this warehouse. Yeah. Machine. what are the odds these guys don't have piles of cocaine in this warehouse? I've seen

narcos. Come on, man. Well, that's the thing. You've never seen a Mellow Cop movie. There's no chill movie where it's like, alright, yeah, you got a speeding ticket. And then the end. It's like always fucking nuts. Except Smoking the Bandit.

Even then, they drove recklessly. Yeah, but they drove recklessly. There's nobody around. Yeah, I mean. Nobody to hit. All right, I have a question for you. Okay. What is this I hear about your dream pills?

Dream pills? Somebody said that you have pills that. I know what you're saying. It's alpha brain. It's a nootropic what it is it's it's actually nutrients that are building blocks for human neurotransmitters okay so like there's certain foods that are called or i'm saying foods because you eat them it's they're supplements mostly vitamins and there's minerals and a bunch of different things that you can get from plants

and there's a series of different kinds of nootropics and if you've never looked into it it's a cool thing to study because there are actually supplements out there that enhance your memory and they enhance your reaction time as well like you know how you feel like if you're hungover or i've never been hungover you wouldn't even understand what this is you're such a man of health never drank but that feeling where you you're kind of foggy. Or some days, it's not firing right. So we know for sure, this is really

obvious to everybody, that there's a difference in your performance based on a variety of factors, right? Right. Lack of sleep, nutrition, exercise, stress. There's a whole host of factors that affect how your brain forms. Nootropics, what they can do is boost up your brain's ability to remember things.

Like verbal memory is a big one that they show. And we did two double-blind placebo-controlled studies about alpha brain. It's one of the things we found. We found memory, reaction time, and peak alpha flow state, all improvements, all statistically significant improvements in those areas. Okay. So what I found is there was a company called,

I think it's Neuro One is the supplement. I forget his company, but it's Bill Romanowski. You know Bill Romanowski? I know Bill very well, yeah. That guy is a genius. Genius. Savage. Savage as a football player.

Super savage. And remember, we're going to talk about the new CTE study that just came out. It's crazy with football players. But anyway, Bill Romanowski, he used to be friends with this dude, Sarah and No Name. And No Name was, they were a cool radio station in San Francisco. Just loved doing them. And No Name was friends with Romanowski, and Romanowski was training him. He was trying to get him in shape.

He was like, come on, you fuck. I'm going to work you out. And he put him through a bunch of brutal workouts. And then he gave him some of his supplement. And that's how I found out about it. And the supplement Neuro One, he invented because he was suffering from head injuries. Right. Because he had been through so many concussions, man.

He's having memory problems and all sorts of issues. So he started looking into nutritional cures, like what helps boost neurotransmitters, what helps boost serotonin. Right. There's like 5-HTP is a big one that helps boost serotonin and L-tryptophan as well because L-tryptophan actually converts to 5-HTP. And then you have to add in a bunch of other shit, like adaptogens and B vitamins and all these different things. Like, there's a combination that you can hit of nutrients.

And Bill Romanowski uses it. I think he uses a little caffeine in his as well. I don't have anything to do with him, by the way. This is not an advertisement. We don't sell NeuroOne. But it's the shit. It's really good. And that's the first thing I found out about.

I found out about that and then we wound up making Alpha Brain, which is our version of it, with a bunch of things that work together synergistically. And if you take that stuff before bedtime, a lot of times you get freaky dreams. Like if you take it like an hour before bedtime, like right

it seems like right when you go to sleep, you know, that's when it's just getting into your system. And I guess when you go to sleep, that's when it's just getting into your system. And I guess when you go into your REM sleep, you just get an extra fucking fat, juicy pipe of neurotransmitters to work with. You start having freaky-ass dreams. You're just full inception. Yeah. Good God.

Paracetam is really good, too. People love that stuff. Love that. Choline. Choline is a big one. That's one of the ingredients of alpha-cain. What the fuck are these things? Are these in Lucky Charms?

What is happening? They're definitely in Lucky Charms. They should be. People would be like, my Lucky Charms made me very smart today. They're basically, you know, they're nutrients. Yeah, no, that's the trip. No, I was just wondering. People are super skeptical about this, and you definitely should be.

You definitely should be. I would never, ever in a million years try to sell someone something that doesn't work a hundred i just i would have zero desire in doing that so everything that like we do it on it right i use yeah i use i or i believe in it it's like there's nothing there's no horseshit thing so when this whole nootropics thing came out we like we rushed and got alpha brain out and a lot of people called bullshit they're like they're like there's no studies There's no science. This is snake oil I was like oh you gotta have like all your ducks in a row right you start claiming that you have nutrient that

Regardless of whatever anecdotal evidence you have Yeah, good learning, but I mean that's weird because people never just cry bullshit over stuff for no reason People never just go what no fuck that it's like everything that everything you don't know anything that happens what i saw katie perry sitting down with uh de ray mackison do you say a mckeeson or mackison of black lives matter and katie perry was apologizing about cultural appropriation because i guess she wore braids for whatever fucking reason. And she was sitting there. It's the weirdest thing ever, man.

They're both on a couch and they have no shoes on and she's touching him and he's wearing a blue vest. I was like, what the fuck am I watching? Was that in a dream? Or was that a real thing?

No, no. I was like, look, look, look. Here's the thing. Dude wears that blue vest everywhere. I mean, he loves that blue vest. That's his look. You know what I'm saying? It's like Mr. Rogers.

What in the fuck? Mr. Rogers. First of all, look at his socks. I love his look. You know what I'm saying? It's like Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers. First of all, look at his socks. I love his socks. He's a strong, confident man. Are they in the Matrix? What's happening right now? Those socks are rainbows, homie.

What? Bitch, colors there. And so she's culturally appropriating a lesbian right now with her hair. She should be careful. She's culturally appropriating literally an old lesbian. She has gray hair. What is that hipster insane asylum that they're in? That's her bathroom. That's where she shits.

That picture on the wall, it comes down and she climbs on top and shits in the mouth. It's crazy. It's a new thing. It's a new thing all the celebrities are doing. Look how they're sitting here, facing each other. It's so bizarre. I can't play you any of this because I don't want to get the video pulled off YouTube.

But it's fuck YouTube, but it's Super mostly it's him sitting there listening to her just go like this Barfing she just didn't want people to be mad at her for doing for wearing braids Yeah for cultural was there an outrage Let's see what she looked like when she was culturally appropriating. Cultural appropriation is so crazy. The idea that you can't have braids if you're white. Oh, my God.

All they're trying to do, people are just trying to control people. They're trying to control people. Well, everybody wants their fucking two cents. Everybody wants to throw in and chime in. It's just everywhere. Everybody wants to be like, oh, no, no, no, no. I have something to say. It's like, all right, well, fuck you.

And everybody wants to be able to be mad. They want to have a reason to get mad. Yeah, we talked about that earlier. Everybody wants to be super, super mad. Yeah, we were talking about the behind-the-scenes stuff at shows and about how many different mindsets you have to kind of manage when you're working on a show and how many people are just looking to get outraged about stuff,

especially lately. It's a weird fucking time for this yeah no you can't joke i mean i i send out like loose cannon tweets sometimes and i would do it more back in the day and then i just like the more you know you get shit face and then like tweets like write a tweet and i'm like i just i don't want to deal with what somehow somebody could. I mean, even innocuous, harmless Instagrams and stuff, people will still jump on them. I'll be like, hey, I saw this bird. And they're like, whoa, what kind of bird is that? Did you fuck it?

You know what I mean? Why are you hating on the bird? I'm not. I just saw it. Don't you think, though, that for the most part, most of the interactions are pretty nice? There's just a small percentage. Yeah, for the most part, yeah. Right? But those small percentages you don't you think though that for the most part most of the interactions are pretty nice there's just a small percentage yeah right there's a small but those small percentage you don't forget no and it's it's just i mean it's the ones that are really irrational and the ones that

always make me laugh are people that'll go like they'll comment or something and i don't really you know i'll read comments like in an uber on a plane or something and i'll just like oh i'll see check out the comments somebody will be like hey fuck you you're a piece of shit I'm like all right and I'll just like it and then they'll comment back like I can't believe you like that like I was just kidding like I'm a huge fan and I'm just like well this is just weird for me it's too weird you're just sending you just wrote a whole thing about how I'm a piece of shit and I just liked it and then now you're like no I just I just want to get you like respond yeah from their perspective like that's the best way to get in to respond like that's the best way Like that way you know you'll you'll be you'll have your back up against the wall

Well, it's like you said it's like when a lot of the stuff's positive and then the ones that pop are the people that are like Hey, your fucking face sucks. Wow. You know what I mean? That's so rude. Which it does your face does not suck It's deece Dude you're fine Deece face Listen there's a lot of people out there with some fucked up faces that would kill for your face I know

Fuck But no I was saying about dreams I would have like when I would detox from like a fucking booze extravaganza And I would I would have dreams that's why I was intrigued Cause I would have fucking crazy dreams Where I would be it would be so lucid. I want to hear Riders in the Storm right now.

Riders in the Storm. I can sing. Riders in the Storm. That was like a mixed version. Yeah, it was like an elevator on mushrooms. Like DJ version. So you would detox. I would detox and I would have these dreams and they were so lucid.

I'd be like walking around the dream and i'd be and i would know i was dreaming and i couldn't wake myself up and i would try to wake myself up so then i would try to like jump dive out of a window to wake myself up or try to like do something that will like jar me awake and then i would do it and then i would wake up and then i would be in another fucking dream and i'd be in my my bedroom and I'd be like, oh, I'm going to go up and get some water. And then all of a sudden I realized, oh my God, I'm still in the dream because this isn't the shit on my walls. And I'd have to wake myself up again. Fucking gnarly, dude.

Like you psyched yourself out in the dream. Yeah, it's crazy. You're like, hey, wake up, wake up. Oh, look, you're awake. Yeah. But it was really just more dream. You're awake. Psych.

Dude. Yeah, so that's why I was kind of fascinated by that it makes you wonder what is real if you could live in a perpetual dream What's going on there? You're still there's something happening. You're experiencing things. It's things are happening Whether you're lying there with your eyes closed or not There's a bunch of shit It's going on a bunch of experiences that your senses are taking in that are pretty fucking remarkably similar to real life. Right. Like, that's why it's so crazy.

Because it feels real. Right? That's why dreams, like, especially lucid dreams trip you out. Because it feels real. It feels real. But I like that, like, when you dream, like, a really weird dream, you just accept the reality of, like, like, when I remember a dream, I'll be like, yeah, I just totally was in this dream. I just accepted that I was, like, riding a rabbit, you know what I mean?

Like, over a fucking skyscraper to, like, save Katy Perry's face or something. I just totally accept it. I'm like, yeah, this is what I'm doing. Look at that fucking beard. That fabulous Morrison beard. People didn't have beards back then, either. When he grew this beard, the video is him in a fucking beautiful old Mustang being a bad motherfucker. Yeah, beards were like considered rogue back then.

Oh, yeah. He was as rogue as it came, man. Dude used to pull his dick out on stage. Went to jail for it. He's driving to the Tempe Improv right there. I remember that. He was going to the Tempe Improv right there. I remember that. He was gonna go see Joey. How do we know what really goes on

when you're asleep for eight hours? How do we know when you're out cold, when you're out, right? How the fuck do we know what's actually happening? What's going on in these dream states? Because you only remember a fraction of the time you're out, right? There's a fraction of the time.

What if dreams aren't fake? What if they're just some alternative reality that you occasionally intermingle with when you're conscious or unconscious, rather? Like when you go into a dream state, maybe that's just like the shadow of something that just happened that was real. Maybe you have like these, these moments that seem like eight hours to you or five hours to you, but you're really interfacing with some completely different timeline and some completely different reality. And the world is pliable. It's

not locked down like rocks aren't rocks and water isn't water, but everything's fluid and changing constantly. And that's why when you're in these dreams, you freak out because all of a sudden, like the physics of reality are gone. I've like snapped two into it, maybe. There might be a war. Look, just the fact that this world exists in the state that it exists in. This world is very, very bizarre. Right.

If it wasn't real, like this, if reality wasn't real, if we all lived in some sort of a black and white print version of life, and then you got to experience the life that you and I know, doing stand-up and being in L.A. and flying in planes and using the internet and experiencing life in the 21st century in 2017, you would be like, this is the craziest psychedelic trip if you went to Times Square right you'd never you'd never Experienced anything like human culture, and you went to Times Square. You would be Freaking the fuck out. Yeah, they'd be insane. It would be insane. We're just so used to it. We're so used to it We don't realize how bizarre the actual world is Well, yeah I mean it's possible that these dream worlds that these just different worlds that you tap into when you conk out. Every night is a different world? Could be.

Could be infinite. Could be you're running a series of lives. Like you have multiple lives going on. And your decisions you make in this conscious life affect all of them. And maybe you have other lives when you're asleep that are conscious when you're awake but much like you're asleep and you don't remember what the fuck is going on when they're asleep they don't remember what the fuck is going on and you interface you might not just be nick swartzen stand-up comedian you might be an entity that interfaces with multiple different dimensions

in the night and you just don't remember it just like you don't remember sleeping right you don't you don't remember dreaming you don't remember a lot of shit that happens when you're conked out for eight hours right well they probably don't remember when you're awake and you're you're interfacing you're not just shutting off like your your brain wants to everything needs to shut off so that your other self in this other dimension can interact and can go about its its world and maybe eight hours to it is a month or a week to us we don't even fucking know maybe that's a huge important part of being a person is that other world has to has to coincide with it maybe that's why michael jackson died because they gave him that shit that conked him out that didn't you don't dream under that shit

they would basically put him under anesthesia every night, and he wouldn't get to interface with the other world. Alright, I gotta go. No, you never know. I might have got too high. I'm fascinated by dreams. They fucking are weird, man. But I mean, yeah, maybe they do mean something.

Maybe there's another. Most likely not. I mean, yeah, I think maybe I'm just covered in spiders and screaming. I think that's basically literal. Well, you work out stuff in your dreams sometimes. Like you'll experience something. I work out stuff, but I don't work out in dreams. I never go to the gym in dreams. That's a good point.

I've never fucking ever worked out in a dream. I've never done that either. That's fucking crazy. I just realized that. I used to throw kicks in a dream. I've never done that either. That's fucking crazy. I just realized that. I used to throw kicks in my dreams. I used to, like, when I was young, especially. Like, girlfriends would complain. I would, like, twitch. I would, like,

literally, like, throw a kick. Remember when Bill Burr made jokes about it, like, sounding like a Bruce Springsteen song? Throwing kicks in the night. It was like an old Ice House Chron chronicles we went on a whole rant about it that's really true a lot of guys have that problem like fighters have that problem dude my fucking old roommate new york we couldn't wake him up you had to you had to like throw something at him from like across the room and then hide because he would he would wake up in an immediate melee It was immediately like game time and we thought we found out the hard way

We were like hey wake up, and it was just ding ding ding and it was just like run And he would just it would take him like fucking like 15 seconds to like come back down. Oh my god Yeah, so I don't know what every day alternate every fucking day What if an alarm clock woke him up? He wakes up swinging or no? It has to be a person? It would have to be a person. That's why I just put an alarm clock next to him.

Well, you couldn't afford it. We were the alarm clock. The bloody alarm clock. Some people don't like to be woken up, man. They get super mad at you. And other people just chill. Like, hey, what's up? Yeah.

What's going on, man? Why are you guys waking me up? Hey, man. Why are you naked waking me up? Hey, man. Why are you naked? Ever seen someone get knocked out and they ask questions? They think, like, what's going on here? It's the weirdest thing. Like, why are you guys here?

Like, why are you guys staring at me? Oh, right. I've seen it before, but I've never, not in front of me. Dude, it's weird. It's weird. The brain, the human brain, when it gets shut off and then comes back on, it's almost like an old Windows 95 computer when it reboots, and you see the DOS thing.

Right. You know, you see the, what is that? The black with the white screen, the boot screen? Yeah. Is it the DOS screen? And then you see, it would take a long time to boot up, and it would be all janky and shit, and you wouldn't be able to click on the internet yet.

And it was like, when you get clanged, like, I imagine football players, it's the same thing. But they oftentimes don't remember shit. They don't remember anything that happened. They might not even remember, like, getting into the ring. They might not remember any of it. Well, I was going to say, I mean, you've seen so many fighters go through it. Do they ever remember the knockout? Some of them do.

Yeah. Some of them remember everything. They remember seeing like, oh fuck, like that last moment where he's like, he caught me, and then they're just out. Yeah, they remember getting hit. They remember what hit them. Some of them. Some of them don't remember anything.

That's the thing about brain damage. It's completely variable. It's variable. There's some guys that just, they've been knocked out a ton of times, and they're okay. It's weird. Like, Alistair Overeem's a perfect example. He's been knocked out a gang of times, and he's fine.

Like, at least he appears to be. He's very lucid. Right. Very articulate. I mean, he's got his composure. But after fights, he doesn't. You know, like, when you get cracked, like, he got knocked out when he fought Stipe Miocic.

And this is not his fault. And I said after this that I don't think we should interview fighters anymore after they get knocked out. Because he said that he thought that Stipe tapped. He thought he had the guillotine and Stipe tapped. Right. So he was saying that in the replay. So we had to play the replay back because we didn't know if he was right. I'm like, we'll play it.

Because he was saying this to me while I was interviewing him that's wild and so we played it and you couldn't see the tap i think he believed it yeah but it was just because he just got knocked out yeah no that's not a good idea to interview people have to get knocked out terrible idea terrible and i thought it before but i never i really you know it's like i just felt i felt bad like i had to play the video because he said that it happened so because he said that it happened. So if he said that it happened, my job as an interviewer is to play that video. Right. I just expected him to say something along the lines of, you know, I thought I had him.

If you can remember the fight. I thought I had him, but he got me. Fair play to him. You know, the normal stuff. Give them a chance to represent themselves. So when that was going on, I was like, okay, this is not fair. This is like, he just got knocked out cold. There's no way, like three minutes later.

Yeah, no way. No way. And then everybody gets mad at him for that. You know, you can't get mad at someone for that. No. It's too weird. Yeah. So this study came out today.

Brendan Schaub sent it to me because he's freaking out. It said that, what is it? Something like 97%? Okay. They examined 111 former NFL players. Only one didn't have CTE. Wow. Not only that, they found that 87% of people who play football at any level had CTE.

This is what's really crazy. Men who play football at all levels, all levels, so I assume that's got to mean high school. It was including high school. Well, yeah. And who was that guy, Jamie? We talked about this before.

Forgive me for not a football fan. I like football, but just don't know enough about it. Who was that guy that jumped on the car? Chris Henry was his name. Yeah. That guy was young and like a super stud athlete, right? Might have been like 25 or 26, something like that. When they did an autopsy on him, they found he had severe CTE.

It was like, this guy's brain is wrecked. Like, see if you could pull that study up because people were super shocked because he was in his prime. Yeah. I mean, he was in his prime and he was a super prime. Yeah. I mean, he was in his prime, and he was a super athlete. Yeah, I remember that. I mean, Jamie, you know a lot about football. How much of a badass was he? As far as, like, top wide receivers, he wasn't maybe, like, in the top ten, but he was growing.

No, but he was starting to come into his own, man. Right, yeah. He died in a traffic accident, had chronic traumatic encephalopathy. I always fuck that up. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephaloth. Hmm.

Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Right? Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy.

Boom. Oh my God, it's got to be neurosurgeons going crazy right now. Shut the fuck up, you idiots! You can't even pronounce the word. A form of degenerative brain damage caused by multiple hits to the head. At the time of his death, according to the scientist at Brain Injury Research Center, a research center affiliated with West Virginia University, the guy says, in quotes,

we would have been very happy if the results had been negative, but multiple areas of Chris Henry's brain showed CTE. And then they go into details about it. So you've got to think, like, here's a guy who's in his prime, 28 years old, right, just a bad motherfucker, and he's not showing any signs of, like, falling apart, and he's got CTE. That's scary.

Well, I mean, it makes you think, too. I mean, I talked about that with a lot of my friends I'm a big NFL dude diehard football fan and we were talking the other day like does it continue I mean like 25 years from now it deteriorates for a lot of these guys yeah but I'm saying like does the NFL

I mean oh I see what you're saying does the NFL continue I mean at some point these studies and these things are going to come out and it's just going to be you know it's horrifying I think you're better off fighting and these things are gonna come out and it's just gonna be You know, it's horrifying. I think you're better off fighting I think you can get knocked out in fighting you definitely get brain damage in fighting but I think if you become like a mighty mouse like if you get to a skill level that very few people get to When you're at a super elite skill level, I think you probably take less damage

it's hard to say because there's been some fucking wars with elite and the mighty mouse thing might be a bad example because He's so fucking good. A lot of his fights are just mismatches, right? You know, it's not like there's another mighty mouse out there that's trying to fuck him and like someone and everyone can't be the mighty mouse You know I'm saying like it has to be there There's gonna be like various levels of competency across the board But like if you could fight the way that guy fights like he doesn't he's not a brawler he's not doing anything stupid he's not just like biting on his mouthpiece and throwing bombs he's super technical in his

approach he's like a consummate professional and like a strategic wizard and how he approaches interacting with guys oh i almost strategically wizard all over myself. See how I caught that, though? You almost wizarded all over your tits. But what he does is just probably the safest way to do it, the smartest way to do it. Because he's just so competent that he's not getting hit. And his tactics are so clever and so skillful that he's able to avoid a lot of big bombs that come his way. Right.

Football players aren't avoiding shit. No, you're getting hit. Everyone's getting hit. You're getting hit. There's no Mighty Mouse in the football world, right? If you're a linebacker, you're fucking hitting people. They're hitting you, you're hitting them, period. If you're on the line, it's nonstop.

Dude, not just that. It's not even getting hit in the head. They're saying doing this, like slamming into each other. Any of that stuff jerks your neck and jerks your head and all that stuff. Just the sheer impact. What are you going to show me? This is the alternative. They just started this weekend.

This is like the pilot, what they're calling the American Flag Football League. So there's like some former NFL players in this. Why don't they just blow guys on the field? I don't know if this is going to be interesting enough. Get this off the air. No. Yeah, that's. That's not football. That was depressing. Why'd you the field? I don't know if this is going to be interesting enough. Get this off the air. No. Yeah, that's not football.

That was depressing. Why'd you show that? You can't have that. That guy knows while he's doing it. Quick, put on figure skating. Put on figure skating real quick. We need to get something more manly. Do you have any rhythmic gymnastics? Let's cleanse this.

I like their helmets, or lack thereof, though. I like that. I think that's very smart. What is that? Those are rugby helmets. Those are rugby helmets. They're not really helmets. They're headgear. They more protect your ears. They're probably going to help them if they hit the ground, maybe.

Maybe a little bit. I would just wear earmuffs. They used to have those things when I competed in the Taekwondo days. The guys got knocked out and one of the real horrible things was they got kicked in the head and knocked out. They're usually out cold. Their head would bounce off the ground. Depending upon where the fight was taking place, most of the time horrible things was they got kicked in the head knocked out They're usually out cold and their head would bounce off the ground So depending upon like where the fight was taking place most of the time there was no surface

Like we would fight like on an actual basketball court Like there's a video of me fighting on an actual basketball court. You can see the lines on the court It's solid wood right and then you kick a guy and they'd fall back and their head would bounce off The off the wood. And it was terrible. Like some people got knocked out and it was horrible. So they started making people wear, first it was a headgear that you could just wear on the back of your head, literally just to protect you when you get knocked out so that your head didn't bounce off.

And then some guys, they started making you, some guys voluntarily did it. They started making you wear the bigger all-inclusive helmet. So it's a big foam protectant around your head. Like the thing you buy at football games? Like a foam? No, it's like you could pull up Taekwondo headgear. It's like your face is exposed, but you have these things that cover your ears and there's foam all over the top of your head.

Very little. That's what it looks like. That's exactly what it looks like. There's an Adidas one. So it's like you see how it's got the foam all over the top of your head. Very little. That's what it looks like. That's exactly what it looks like. There's an Adidas one. So it's like, see how it's got the foam around the ears and the foam on the top of the head? Your face is completely exposed. And most, I don't know what that one is.

That's not a Taekwondo one. It's like a European Friday the 13th mask. The one you had on is perfect. That's a real Taekwondo mask, the white one. Or that red one. There's an Adidas one. Yeah, so that's in, those are World Taekwondo Federation ones. Some of the International Taekwondo Federation ones.

Those tournaments, a lot of them they did differently and they did the fucking, they stuck old school a lot of times. I remember they still had the wood floors and there was no headgear. But I think they probably change them as time goes on. But they, those headgears were designed really mostly to protect you when you got knocked out from your head bouncing off the ground then they started making people fight on pads too after a while they changed the flooring yeah i mean pads is key yeah it should fight on fucking hardwood yeah it's the the being i fought on a fucking cement hockey rink a hockey rink that didn't have any water in it.

They put a tarp down. My God. They put a tarp down. We fought on concrete. It was horrible. Why put the tarp down at that point? I saw two people get knocked out, too. And one dude who got knocked out, his eyebrow bounced off the concrete. Like, you know, there was basically just, like, whatever the bottom of an ice skating rink would be.

It was for the Bay State Games, too. It was a big tournament. It was a big deal because the Bay State Games is the Olympic festival, and it was the first time, and I think only time, they ever had Taekwondo in it. If I was going to guess, I think I was 19, so it was like 86. So these guys, yeah, there's one. I just Googled Taekwondo tournament, and there's all these kids on a hardwood floor right here. See, this might be a tournament where they spar,

or it might be a tournament where they, well, that looks like they have headgear on the ground, right? They do? They have forms, that little red thing. Right. Yeah, those are headgears. What's the bar behind it? I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck that is. Is that like a floaty for a pool? I don't know what that is. That might be a different kind of tournament. It might be a point tournament. I think it's floaty fighting. It's a new sport that comes out. Dildo whipping. So, I was thinking about

this this past weekend. I was talking to somebody about that Brown Bunny movie. We've somebody about that brown bunny movie we've talked about that movie before that's a vincent gallo movie where he actually sucked then he was it with chloe seven year oh you said it perfect i've never said it right ever i'm very theatrical joe seven year seven year yeah and we're talking about how that it fucked his career for sure and probably fucked her career for a few years too right yeah i mean he was so promising to be like a lead gargoyle

but he was a weird freaky dude yeah that guy was so fucking out there i mean like i had friends that were friends with him years ago and they're like this dude's just on another planet you know what i mean? Of course. I mean, you got his dick sucked in a movie, for real. And you got his dick sucked by a movie star. That's not just, like, getting your dick sucked. I mean, she's had a really good career, though. She's done a bunch of shit.

Since then? Yeah, that was a while ago. So she, um, I don't know, I'm out of the loop. So what has she been in? Fuck. She's one of those chicks that, like, pops up, and she was on an HBO show. I think she was on Big Love. I feel like I remember.

She was in a lot of good indie films. But I feel like I remember there was some backlash to her in the beginning. Am I wrong? She was in Kids was her first thing. Oh, wow. She was in a movie called Three Needles. That sounds hilarious. Dude, Kids is heavy.

Yeah, Shattered Glass is dope. She was in Party Monster. Hold on a second. Was she Jenny, the girl? The main girl? Jenny and Forrest Gump? No, kids. Jenny and Forrest Gump.

And Forrest Gump fucked her on camera. I don't remember kids. I just remember being a kid. Yeah, she was the chick that got AIDS. Yeah, yeah. I think so, yeah. There's that scene where the dude fucks her while she's asleep. She's like, don't worry, Jenny.

It's just me, Casper. Yeah. She's like whispering. worry Jenny it's just me Casper yeah and she's got AIDS and the ideas she gave him AIDS jokes on you screenwriters what was the dude works out Holly telly and he was in the wire yeah everybody said that I look like him when I was in high school I remember that I was like great click on that what year was that movie this isn't boys don she was in Boys Don't Cry, American Psycho. She's done some shit, dude. Yeah, but when did all that stuff happen? Like, when did the Brown Bunny movie happen?

I don't think it's 2000. The Brown Bunny. No, you just back up. It was right there. Go back. Fuck. There's the list, bro. Right up there. Yeah, there it is.

Okay. So you look at that. So she did an Academy Award winning movie, Boys Don't Cry. Yeah. And then she's like, time to fuck. No, it looks like time to Fuck was before that, no? No, Brown Bunny is fucking after. Right here.

So it's Shattered Glass. It's after Boys Don't Cry. It was in 99. Where's Boys Don't Cry? Down here in 99. That's down there. Oh, it goes lower. I'm going the wrong way.

I was thinking the top was the more recent ones. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's a crazy choice. So she's still done a bunch of stuff since Brown Bunny. She did Zodiac. I mean. She was on Will and Grace. Yeah, that's a crazy choice. So she's still done a bunch of stuff since Brown Bunny? She did Zodiac. She was on Will and Grace? Yeah, she was on Big Love.

But not him, right? Her agent must be so confused. He's like, what do you want to do? He had a real backlash. Who? Right? Vincent Gallo? Didn't he?

I mean, I think he's one of those self-imploding dudes. I don't think he was ever really... Like, he did Buffalo 66, which was actually a cool movie. She never stopped working. So you go 2003, 2004, 2006. Yeah, this chick's been killing it. Yeah. So it didn't impact her negatively.

Maybe it did. I don't know, but she still worked. But you don't really hear about that dude anymore. And before that movie, he was like a... He was a big... He was in Buffalo 66. Remember that? Yeah. That's a great fucking movie. I just said that, Joe. Did you say that? anymore. And before that movie, he was like a, he was a big, he was in Buffalo 66. Remember that? Yeah.

That's a great fucking movie. I just said that, Joe. Did you say that? Yeah. I'm so sorry. Are you in a dream state? I was trying to remember. I was trying to remember

what we were just talking about. Yeah, Buffalo 66 is cool. Him and Ricci. Dude, I didn't hear you say that. I feel embarrassed. I wasn't listening to you. I'm doing the cardinal sin of conversation.

I was just struggling with my memory. It's all right, man. Ironicallyically enough after telling you about nootropics Yeah I might have to wear a helmet now I did yoga today drained my brain I'm 15% stupider when I do yoga I want to get back into yoga

15% stupider in what way For like 4 or 5 hours After? Yeah just wrecked Yeah hot yoga My brain cooks god my brain cooks i did that once and then uh i was like i'll try it my sister talked me into it and i was 15 minutes into it and i thought we were done and i was like all right and then i got up and i'm like

we have to be done and the woman was like no we have like another 45 minutes i'm like well you fucking do like i like i just got out of there it was so intense as i had done yoga a couple times i had gotten cocky and it was you know i really liked yoga like kind of centered me and chilled me the fuck out you know yeah and then i tried the hot shit and it was just not cool man it was too intense it's intense like you definitely i i was dizzy and but you know what it is, dude? It's not the best if you have to use your brain right afterwards. For, like, really solid, like, three or four hours. But it is really good in terms of, like, overall.

Right. Like, your overall, your health and the way you interface with the world. You're way more chilled out if you do it a lot. Yeah, but I mean, so you did it and then just immediately got in your car and then drove away? What else should I do? Stay?

Just put a tent up? Start camping? Bought a plot of land. Glump. I should glump in that area. Yeah, you know, took a shower, got the fuck out of there, got something to eat.

Did you take a shower? I did, of course. Got to. Covered in sweat. I think there's something really good for your body, though, especially that hot one. I think that 104 degrees and stretching out, I just think it makes you more pliable. Definitely makes you more flexible. Like, when you're doing it, you can get into positions that you can't get into when you're cold.

So that means to me, like, there's some sort of a benefit in being like really warm in terms of the pliability of the muscle tissue. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, 100%. That's not even a question. I mean, it wouldn't be that popular if it weren't,

it didn't have some kind of effect. Yeah. But even like, you know, it's like even like getting, in any situation when you're cold and stretching or trying to do anything active, it just sucks.

Sucks, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you can't, you don't perform at your best when it's 80 below zero outside. Yeah, like I got a massage the other day and it was freezing with the air conditioning on. And I stopped the guy and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, man? And he was like, what?

Oh, did you try to get something? No. No, but I was like, what the fuck, man? Like, turn this off. A friend of mine, his girlfriend was a masseuse at one of those Burke Williams places or something like that something like that you know might not have been that place but it was like a high-end spa place and they had to let one of them dudes go because he had a he was running a whole prostitution ring in there where guys would come in really and it was like a legit

like a name brand place yeah like a legit. And he just developed clientele that knew that he would suck their dick. He'd give you a massage and suck your dick. Like, he just had the market cornered. I guess it was a win-win. He liked sucking dick, and he wanted to make some money from massages, so his books were full. Fucking Ari. Saving up for that land. That land ain't gonna pay for itself. That land ain't gonna pay for itself

That land ain't gonna suck itself Yeah so If I can just plug my show Typical Rick season 2 already cancelled I already told you that I was just saying speaking of already Glowing relationship with Comedy Central At least they gave it a shot

How long How many episodes did they do before they cancelled it We did two seasons and six episodes each Yeah So you can still watch it But it's not going any further Was it a surprise to you that they cancelled it No

We had a show that we wanted to do We wanted to bring you on to do something. It was called Bro-Sasson. And it was about a guy who's raised by an assassin. And then the assassin dad feels bad that his son never had a real life. He just grew up in an assassin environment in the jungle. So he sends him to college and becomes the ultimate frat dude. But he moonlights as an assassin still.

But he's still a frat guy during the day Oh god And that was me and I would like sleep in the base like in the or in the attic and then I would be an assassin I'd like on the down low at night But I was always too high or hungover too drunk Wow and we wanted you to be one of the guys that would be a recurring assassin dude I've man commie central bought it in the room that I wrote the pot the script everybody was like this is hilarious and they were Like now and they just passed on it. Whoa. Yeah, I was

like, alright, cool. Good talk. Then I rewrote it for free and they were like, yeah, we still don't want to do it. I'm like, well, why'd you buy it? They're like, I don't know. I was like, cool. See you guys later. Good talk. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Hello, Netflix?

It's hard being an executive. Imagine some of the bad shows that come their way. They probably get so confused. It's probably like bad cops. Network executives, we get mad at them because they fuck shows up or they put in their own input. Do you imagine how many bad shows come their way? How many just terrible ones?

Think about the ones that are on the air. And every day they're like, ah, ah. And they're thinking about getting their job fired. The show's going to get canceled. People are going to lose money. They're going to be out of a job. They won't be able to pay their mortgage. Like, fuck.

There's all this pressure on them. Fuck. And they're like, yeah, we'll buy it. We'll buy it, Nick. We love the show. Well, I hate the show. I hate it too. Okay, sorry, dude. You can't have Brose Hassans.

Like, these people are on Adderall. They're all tweaking. They're working 10, 12 hours a day. And Adderall is a lot like meth, if you don't know that, folks. One of the key things with people when they do meth is they're shit at decision making. Their decision making turns to shit. Cut to headline. Joe Rogan says all network executives are doing meth.

I wish. That's how it works. At least it would explain. I have a buddy of mine who's a writer, and he told me everyone's on it. I said, really? He goes, yeah. He goes, I just know so many journalists are on it. So many writers are on it.

They're all on Adderall. Well, especially, I mean, in Los Angeles, just like in terms of what I've seen socially out and about, I mean, holy shit, every chick is on Adderall. It's like fucking nuts. I've never... I've done it it once and i was just shit-faced somebody gave me and of course i put it in my mouth and then i just i didn't really feel it but you know it kind of made me a little bit more alert like kind of kooky but it wasn't anything special but i have friends that they just they take it constantly yeah it depends i'm, on the dosage. Depends on the person. Depends on how you can handle it.

Maybe some people, it's super beneficial and they can actually handle it. I'm not saying it's not. I'm just saying for sure there's some abuse going on. I know people that abuse it. Well, yeah. I mean, certain things are made for a certain purpose. You know what I mean? Like when you make a pill that helps people focus in certain situations.

ADD folks. you make a pill that helps people like focus in certain situations folks yeah that's not what you fucking take at coachella with like a bottle of fucking fireball that's not why anybody made it they weren't like yeah this is a pill that you take at a music festival with fireball screaming along yeah that's what it's for it doesn't really matter the youth of the wild. What's it called again? We are the youth gone wild. Is that Skid Row? Yeah, that's Skid Row, right? Yeah. Isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. I tried to karaoke Skid Row once. That was a fucking horrible mistake. I tried to karaoke that song, I Will Remember You. I remember, remember yesterday. And it fucking goes on for like six minutes. And I had no larynx.

I was like crying blood. It was horrible. I drove by the hotel the other day where Janie Lane died. Do you know Janie Lane, the lead singer of Warrant? She's my hot cherry pie. He died in the hotel. Right over in Woodland Hills. How'd he die?

Vegetables. He ate too many vegetables. No. no dude it was all salads in his house what his place was filled to the wall with salad oh my god it's fucked up man he got too healthy he got so healthy you drink too much water you've ever heard of that people dying from drinking too much water yeah like frat hazings and shit like that well they have water chugging contests. Super bad, folks. Do not do that. You can get to a state where your body literally can't process all the water inside of it, and you die. You can fucking

D-I-E die from drinking just water. How does it kill you? It ruins your organs or your heart? I do not know. We should find that answer. Do you drown? That's a good question. Something happens. Some sort of toxicity. We should find that answer. Do you drown? That's a good question. Something happens. Some sort of toxicity.

Some effect of the water. I shouldn't say toxicity. It sounds smart when you say toxicity. It's like a good word to throw in if you're in the middle of words. Right. We're dealing with a lot of issues and, you know, the random toxicity of the environment. Comedy Central. Are they going to keep going with this is not happening without Ari?

Is that the deal? Is he going to keep it on the air or is it just one season and that's it? I don't know. Here's a fucking genius idea. What? To take him off that show. Yeah, it's so fucking weird.

It's genius. What? Pull him off of his own show i wish we could talk about why it happened we can't i wonder if we can now that he's got a special on netflix i have to ask permission but the story is ridiculous it's hard man like i said hard being an executive hard being a what we call a content provider nick i believe you're a content provider what have you got to provide with comedy central? But I mean, I'm just saying in general, I don't think it's that hard if you have talent that is proven that you trust. Like if I had a network and you brought me a show, for me that would be a 90% chance I would go to pilot for sure.

Because all I need is Nick to become an executive. I'm figuring out my career path. Okay. I was playing the odds before. They weren't 90-10. It wasn't that good. It was like, you know, 50- Okay. I was playing the odds before. They weren't 90-10. It wasn't that good. It was like, you know, 50-50. So I like the odds.

So do you think you could maybe do that for me? Just quit my... For me? Yeah, for you, Joe. Yes. Come on, bro. I will sign up for corporate America. Be an executive, bro.

Could you imagine if you just decided, like, I don't like the shows you're picking. I'm going to be one of you. I'm just kidding. I've not not thought about doing that. Really? Because I hear, I have so many friends. We're all from the same talent pool of comedians and writers and stuff. Where, like, everybody has stories where it's like, yeah, I pitched this.

I'm like, that's fucking hilarious. They're like, yeah. It's fucking, they were like, no, I don't get it. Well, why don't you just start doing shit on your own? Because, like, this thing you did with Simon Rex in particular, I feel like you guys could easily do that on your own and put it on YouTube and I bet it would be giant We could I mean we're gonna try to shop it around To a couple other networks

But why get involved with other people Well because we already have established content So we already have two seasons and it's already there So we just need somebody to go like Yeah we get it Well do you own it like you could bring it somewhere else Yeah because it's just through streaming Which you know Comedy Central was obviously, cool enough to give us that, and then all the executives got fired.

Except for one. Well, no, not because of that. They found your deal. They're like, what the fuck did you give him? Jesus Christ, he's just going to drink it away. What? He's going to go crazy. He's going to go on vacation.

Have you heard about his dreams? He's a liability, man. He's kind of crazy man Yeah, man. You got to do it yourself. You know it's not their fault even it's like Counting on them to know what the fuck they're doing they know what the fuck they're doing would they really be a TV executive Who wants to do that how many people want to do that? I mean it they might think they want to do it, but once you realize like the stress involved fuck all that man It doesn't seem that complicated though. Really? I don't think so. I mean if you have people that You know lucky someone could bring you Seinfeld and friends and you know the whatever

Name some other show bring some big-ass Frasier some big-ass sitcoms Cheers Cheers perfect example, and you look like a goddamn genius. He's the guy who got Cheers in the air Bring some big ass Frazier, some big ass sitcom. Cheers. Cheers. Perfect example. And you look like a goddamn genius. He's the guy who got cheers in the air. Whoa. But you could have just got lucky. They could have brought you the fucking Sex and the City or The Single Guy or a lot of sitcoms that everybody forgot.

They could have brought you a lot of bullshit. Toilet, the musical. There was a lot of bad. Coach. You know? Remember lot of bad. Coach. You know, remember Coach? I like Coach. Shut the fuck up. What the fuck is wrong with you, man? I had a bad experience.

Well, that's you. Don't put that on Coach. The guy was a writer for that show on a sitcom that I did. It's like, whoa. They just hacked it up. Hacked it up. Just swinging with the old double-edged broadsword. Chop.

Chop. I would say, but that's a different conversation. A network major, like in one of those main NBC, CBS, that's so arbitrary on what's going to be a hit. Yeah, but what they bring you, I mean, obviously, come out and get involved with talented people. Yeah, for sure. But even talented people occasionally create turds of course right so if you're all a crap shoot i'm not saying fuck yeah but i'm saying there's different levels of like what could you know what's got a better

chance like if you bring something with a vision and it's really you know like you you're passionate about it i would go okay joe is bringing me this impassioned idea that I think is funny. I'll give him a pilot. But the thing is about shows, this is the really hard part about shows, you're developing them while you're presenting them. So, like, the show starts out, it's a new show, you're trying to develop the characters,

you develop the way they interact with each other while you're putting it on the air, like, creating it and putting it on the air. Like, as time goes on, things get, like, you saw, like, saw like Seinfeld like in the later years or friends a perfect example right everybody knew the characters everybody just flowed together you knew like even though there were new scripts like the thing was so established like what was funny about it and how it worked when you're creating a new show they're always like firing people like that

Kevin James show like they're they're like they change out they'll swap out the wife and like they did it on Bewitched get her out bring a new one in and if you need a black neighbor like okay you need a gay friend and then like right then you know when when it's not working everybody wants to throw their fucking jizz into the soup mix like i know the fucking perfect thing this is missing and that that's that's what happens with those shows right they all just get souped they just get all these different opinions until they take out South Park. They don't listen to shit. They don't listen to anything, but that's my point is that if you comment-

Major networks is different. The cable networks, they have a little bit more leeway where it's like if somebody comes in with- If talent comes in with a strong idea and a strong script and a strong vision and stuff like that, I think that's different. Right. With networks, you're getting, you know, a bunch of major showrunners with an idea and, you know, they're trying to fit into a formula. Yeah.

That's different. It's still hard. It's still hard, but it's, I'm just saying there's different percentages of it. Yeah. No, for sure. I mean, South Park came in and they were like, I mean, I remember stories where they were like, they didn't get any notes. They were like, they don't even live here, I don't think.

I think they live in Colorado or something. They were just like, yeah, well, we're going to make this show and just, like, stay the fuck away. That's probably a good move. I think they're from Evergreen. It's like one of my favorite places ever. Did you ever see the original one with what would Brian Boitano do? Yeah, of course.

That is, that's how they got started. And that is, to this day, like, one of the funniest fucking things i've ever seen in my life when someone gave us music actually a girl i was dating she was an agent's assistant and she got a vhs copy of it and she uh she brought it over my house and we watched together we were fucking crying just falling on the ground crying it was so silly and jesus versus santa yes yeah that was insane i did the same thing i got the vhs tape in like 1996 i want to say that's exactly when that's the time somewhere around there and i had that vhs and i would watch it i was like what this is insane god it was amazing so good and it's kind of funny because it's like much more shitty animation and drawing even in

the current one which is crazy hard to believe. You watch it, it's like you're watching ancient cave art of Jesus or something. You know what I mean? It's weird when you're seeing this old way they used to draw everybody in comparison to the new. The voices are so good. He's amazing. Yeah, they're genius. Those guys are amazing.

Trey Parker did the voice in this new um, what was the fucking animated show that I watched? He did the voice of someone in a Despicable Me. That's what it is. Despicable Me. Did he really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it with my kids. It's hilarious.

Those Despicable Me shows. They're all really good. Even if you're a full-grown adult, they are fucking fun movies. Like, my kids love them, but I actually love them. They're all really good. Even if you're a full-grown adult, they are fucking fun movies. Like, my kids love them, but I actually love them. They're fun. Those movies are good, man. You saw the third one? I saw them all.

I've seen them multiple times. I saw the first two. I have kids, bro. I've seen them multiple times. How old are your kids now? I saw Underwear Man. Oh. Yeah.

Captain Underpants or something like that, I think it was. Underwear Man. There's a show called Captain Underpants. Yeah. They I think it was Underwear man There was a show called Captain Underpants Yeah They made a movie out of it I'm probably not going to see that by myself That'd be super weird Some guy just watching Captain Underpants

They make good fucking kids movies today Those Despicable Me movies are good movies Yeah they're really well made They're fun The third one holds up Third one holds up Alright Might be the strongest one

A lot of people don't like the Minions one. They're like, I'm tired of those little fuckers. Like, they need the other guy, Gru, to balance out the Minions. Yeah. Can't just have the Minions. Minions went rogue. Yeah, they're just all Minions. Cocky fucking assholes.

People didn't like it. I found it. I think it was good. I enjoyed it. I found it entertaining. Fuck them. Fuck the Minions. Well, like, Toy Story, dude. story dude toy story 3 was like one of the

best movies i've ever seen i started crying yeah it was good yeah i wept yeah they were there's like some dark moments when the teddy bear is trying to fucking throw them in the incinerator yeah that was intense that's intense shit lots of bear lots of i like that did you ever see babe the talking pig movie yes did you ever see babe pig in Talking Pig movie? Yes. Did you ever see Babe, Pig in the City, part two? I don't think I stuck around for that. Oh, my God. See that movie. They decided to take the Talking Pig, like, broad farm movie, throw them in the city where

some of the dogs are prostitutes. It goes so fucking rogue. It's amazing. Really? You'll love it. Really? I'll text you and remind you. Oh, my God. Please do. Really? You'll love it. Really? I'll text you and remind you. Oh my god, please do. Babe pig in the city.

And there was a big outrage. Because it was so, like, aggressive and weird. Really? It's super dark and trippy. Whoa. Big pig. They're prostitute dogs? I swear to god. Yeah, it's nuts. Lookit, that's one of the hooker dogs. Oh my god. In the pink. That is hilarious. Look at that harlot.

That's hilarious. How weird are dogs, man? They used to be wolves. They scare the shit out of me. We figured out a way to turn them into that and have them live with us. I think about that when I'm around my dog. I got a new dog recently, seven months old now. I got him a few months back, and he's a golden retriever.

Okay. It is the least wolf-like dog that has ever existed on the planet this dog has like zero aggression in him like even when he play fights like a play fight with another dog there's like zero threat of anybody getting hurt it's like there's the the mellowest calmest and you gotta think like somehow or another people figured out how to take a wolf and slowly whittle it down until you make that right Like what what was he eating? They probably gave him some weird fucking shit to mess with his brain. Do no it's just breeding They figured out a way where I mean, I think that life is crazy pliable and where you have the best chance of success I mean obviously it's not my theory

But where life has the best chance of success it I mean, obviously this is not my theory, but where life has the best chance of success, it kind of molds itself to that. Whether it's by putting people in colder climates, making their skin lighter so they get more vitamin D because there's no sun out. So you're saying it's atmosphere related? It could be, yeah. And the atmosphere of a dog is the only way a dog got food. It had to be super cool with people. So the dogs that were cool with people Are the ones that stuck around and they kept breeding and breeding and the ones that are the coolest with the people the ones that

Got fed and the other ones got shot and killed and they didn't get to breed So it's always like the ones are the coolest with the people they got closer and closer to the campfire And they got the scraps thrown their way It was a sweet deal you bark and they they're cool with you And they give you free food and you keep the fucking wolves and the bears from eating them and you bark bark bark when anything comes and they could be alert that was the whole deal with people and wolves and and dogs and so they figured out a way over countless generations to turn that wolf into this fucking dog like into a poodle like they figured out how to do that and i mean it's just life adapts it finds some weird ways through and next

thing you know you're holding a french bulldog like what the fuck that used to be a wolf like a wolf got whittled down to i'm not no disrespect to french bulldogs they're adorable i love those little dogs but it's like how the fuck did that even happen yeah you never see like stone like cave drawings of poodles didn't exist't exist. They literally didn't exist. With like perfect pom-pom like ankles and shit. You know what they found out about dogs that's really fucked up is that all of them came from wolves. They thought there was like, that like dogs came from like a bunch of different wild canids. You know, a bunch of different like African dogs and different dogs.

Nope. Nope. All of them came from wolves. All of them. That's super weird. Dude. Well, then a wolf like fucked a frog or something. There's no way a fucking bulldog just comes from a wolf It does slowly but surely over thousands of years. They turn a wolf into a bulldog It's nuts. Are we gonna go back to wolves? Do you think we could turn it to jello for sure?

We could turn it some cube like thing that sits in a hard form that we carry around. If people found out, hey, man, you can't break your bones if you don't have any, you can move things telekinetically now and everyone's going to fit into this fucking cube and we just would be this square thing with no bones, just slops right into this just indestructible plastic barrier that you can carry around in life until you wanted to fuck. And then when you wanted to fuck, you guys would get close to the bed, and then you would just ooze out on top of each other.

You would, like, open your doors together and just ooze on top of each other. That's my entire family in Arkansas that you just described. Did you do that? Yeah. Is it pills? It's everything. Pills got them. Skittles.

Dogs scare me because a dog bit my balls when I was a kid. I was playing Whiffle ball In my front yard And I'll never forget it And I rounded third And a dog lashed out And punctured my scrotum Oh my god

And I ran into the house And I pulled my pants down And my mom Started screaming And I just So I Dogs have always To this day

Every time I walk Past a dog I'm horrified Dude Dude Yeah Not cool Yeah that ain't cool Maybe I will be A jello guy Yeah for sure This day, every time I walk past a dog, I'm horrified. Dude. Dude. Yeah. Not cool.

Yeah, that ain't cool. Maybe I will be a jello guy. Yeah, for sure. No balls to worry about. It's a better path than getting bitten the nuts by a dog. Yeah. If you have no organs, okay, nothing can break down. You're just a giant hive of tissue, and everything now is a dream.

But it's a dream that you can control they've gotten to the point where you don't need a physical structure you don't need skulls and organs and livers all that stuff is handled exogenously they bring in things they bring in like these connection these tubes that link up to you and then slowly our bodies devolve to the point we don't have organs anymore we rely on all our organ functions to be handled outside of the body by machines because it's way more efficient and allows you to stay in the dream state and control your life.

Do you have eyes? No, dude. There's no need. You see way better in the dream state. You have a mass of cells that somehow or another contains consciousness that interfaces with the dream state 24-7. Can I wear a hat?

You can, but it doesn't matter. You don't have a head. It's like a hat on a table. Can I wear a hat? You can, but it doesn't matter. You don't have a head. It's like a hat on a table. Can I be a jello shot? You can, but, you know, there's not a lot of juice there. You want to be a big, fat tube, like a garbage dumpster filled with cells. The more cells, maybe you have the more horsepower in the dream dimension. Right, that's hot.

That makes sense, right? Yeah, obviously. Well, we hot. That makes sense, right? Yeah, obviously. Well, we're definitely devolving, right? If you go from, like, if you look at other primates, like primitive primates, you'll get orangutans and gorillas, and they would fuck us up. We're so weak compared to them, right? So we're obviously, like, the weakest by far of all the

primates other than like little tiny monkeys yeah for sure so by far our bodies have gotten weaker and doughier and less capable and like our tendons are not the same they're so much stronger than us so there's something that's happening to our body where it's getting like smolder and softer and weaker and they have a plant-based diet, which is even crazier. Gorillas do. Yeah. Chimps eat the fuck out of everything, though. They eat it.

They're more closer to us. They're horrifying. Remember that story about the guy who brought his chimp a birthday cake? Mm-hmm. And the monkey attacked him and then bit his nose off his fingers and ripped his penis off? Yeah, bit his fingers off. They bit his fingers off. Bit his fingers off and his nose.

You know the story? Yeah, they tore his face apart he was jealous the the chimp that attacked him was jealous because he brought a birthday cake to a chimp that used to be his see the chimp used to be his and it was a the worst is that it is that the story the chimp used to be his and he brought the chimp to a sanctuary when it got older because as they get get older, they get super sketchy. They start biting people's fingers off and shit. They're not as docile. No, they get super aggressive. And the consequences of them being aggressive are so ferocious.

Don't show me any pictures, please. I don't even want to see it. Yeah, it's horrible. So he had to give up the chimp, but the chimp loved him still. So he'd go visit him on his birthday and he brought him a cake. Well, the other chimps saw that they didn't get a cake. And someone fucked up and left some doors open. And the chimps opened the doors and just fucked him up because he didn't give him a cake. That, the other chimps saw that they didn't get a cake, and someone fucked up and left some doors open, and the chimps opened the doors and just fucked him up because

he didn't give him a cake. That's all it was. Because he didn't give him a cake, they tore his fingers off, they tore his dick off, just because they didn't give him a cake. Was it the idea, was it because of the cake, or was it the fire? Fairness. No, fairness. No, no, no, it was a fairness issue. They were jealous that

he gave the cake to the one chimp and they didn't get any cake. And they were fucking furious. And you're also dealing with these chimps that are contained in this artificial environment. They don't have freedom. They want to lash out anyway. And they directly associate people with being their captors. You know, the people are the ones that keep them in there. The people are the ones that feed them.

The people are the ones that control them. And then if they can get out and fuck up the person that doesn't give them a birthday cake. Yeah. Like the worst aspects of people magnified times 100. Like you could see it right in front of us. Like yeah, this is what we used to be. This is how we got to 2017. You had to be fucking ferocious.

You couldn't be like, hey man, I'm just here to be like one with the animal. Back in the days of like living with jaguars and shit, you had to be ferocious. You had to. You had to. Literally, yeah. It was live or die. So when we think of like what we're becoming, we're obviously becoming more passive. We're becoming more better able to deal with interacting with each other without violence.

And all that stuff makes us mushier all of it is just making us more it's not even weak it's just like physically not not attuned to violence right so for physically not attuned to why do we need all the strength like why do you why do you need to be so fast if nothing's trying to kill you you don't you sit in a cubicle all day so everything just starts to right just like a bulldog their face somehow they figured out to make their face so fast if nothing's trying to kill you. You don't. You sit in a cubicle all day. So everything just starts to... Just like a bulldog, their face, somehow they figure out how to make their face

all flat. Our whole body's gonna do that, man. We're gonna just flatten out. So hot. And then our bodies are gonna absorb the bones. Once we start, like, encasing ourselves... And we go back to the jello people? Yeah, you realize you don't even need food. You work like a plant. You have this box that contains you and it uh uses photosynthesis osmosis fuel your cells not like water and shit

just like soil you need some soil you're gonna put some soil below you you're gonna be a plant you're gonna go back to plants fuck plants in the matrix like in a week no it'll take a while all right good 100 million years or so will definitely be like some sort of a gigantic organism connected to some probably some natural internet. You know what they'll do? They'll get to a point where they're like, you know what? This regular internet is too unreliable. We're constantly relying on these cables. I have a new idea.

Here's my new idea. We are going to make an internet by going into all these plants and genetically engineering them and turning them into Wi-Fi towers. So everything is a Wi-Fi tower. And this is the new internet. They're all connected with each other. And you, through using a computer or a cell phone or whatever, you're interfacing with nature now. You're no longer interfacing with some artificial servers and the Verizon, you know, fucking throttling your data because they don't like using Netflix. No, no, no, no, no. Now you're dealing with re-engineered plants where plants are now the distributors of information. I can't process that.

It's heavy, bro. But it might be real. I mean, they know that plants talk to each other. They're 100% certain of that. Plants allocate resources. They have this whole underlying, like, there's like a whole, almost like an internet of mycelium and, like, fungus and all this different shit, all their, the network of their root system and everything like that, they communicate with each other.

About what? We don't know. We know they do certain things like plants hear other plants getting eaten and they change their flavor profile and they become toxic. They have like a terrible toxic taste to them. What? Yeah. Giraffes do that.

Not always it works. Not giraffes. Eucalyptus trees do that when giraffes are eating them. And a bunch of different trees they've shown that when you not only can this is the craziest study they did not only is it not knowing for sure that these plants are being eaten but if they hear it so they played recordings of like crunching recordings of caterpillars eating leaves and they've played it next to these trees and the trees altered their profile they start excreting some sort of a chemical that makes their leaves taste terrible so what they found is like

that like if it'll happen in africa where one plant will be i think it's the acacia tree that's what it is it is right i'm pretty sure i think it's the acacia one that changes it's not eucalyptus it's the acacia tree and And one animal will be eating it. The other animals catch wind that something's eating it, and they literally become toxic to them. They taste like shit. And so they won't eat it, and they'll starve to death rather than eat the plants. Some crazy chemical strategy. And they communicate with each other.

That's how they find out that this other plant is getting eaten. It goes through the ground. They have this fiber of Jesus it goes to the ground They have this fiber of all these different Organic things like like fungus and mushrooms and shit. They're communicating good lord. It's amazing that is amazing They think that like they just don't even hear it they allocate resources They're like figure out a way to allocate resources towards plants that are connected to them that are more needy

it's very bizarre we totally don't know why they do it which I mean we don't know how they're do it's all some new thing over the last like 20 years that people are beginning beginning to figure out that these plants are somehow or another interacting with each other and maybe interacting with their environment a way that we just don't understand yet. It's fucking weird, man. I mean, they might be conscious in just some way we just don't imagine. We can't imagine it.

Right. But there might be some sort of a, you know, we think of consciousness as like, hey, man, I'm going to go to the store tonight, do a set. You know, hey, man, you know, I'm going to go take my girl to the movies. That fucking Planet of the Apes thing looks sweet. You know, that's what we think of as consciousness. Every day I do that. But without language and whatever the fuck plants use for communicating, it might be some sort of a weird language that they have,

but that we don't even perceive. But we could even classify that as language? Could be. We don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'm just guessing. I'm talking shit while I'm high, bro. Right.

I don't know what's going on. I'm asking questions while I'm high, bro. Right. I'm asking questions because I just want to have a more plant-based diet, but I don't want motherfuckers whispering and shit. Yeah, like, don't eat careless whispers in your cauliflower. Nick just ate Mark. Yeah. But maybe they like you to eat them. Because if they didn't like you to eat them, how come when you shit out their seeds, that's how plants get distributed? Well, yeah.

Also, how do they know what tastes like shit to us? If they're altering how it tastes. Exactly. They're trying to get us to eat it. Maybe they're trying to make it better for us to eat them. Maybe they're like, oh, he's eating Mark. Maybe I'll fucking create a new spice. And maybe it'll be better and he'll eat me faster or some shit.

Hence, peaches. Why are peaches so delicious? They're trying to trick you into eating them, so you shit out one of those pits. Right. If you get some nice, nutritious shit, and especially if you've been eating nothing but peaches, your shit would probably be fucking primo for growing a peach. Just ready for an S&M dungeon. You're out there in the woods, you take a massive dump with a bunch

of peach pits in it, and they get fertilized, and then a new peach tree grows, and this one's even better. It talks you into deep, slowly, just like a wolf becoming a French bulldog, the peaches become sweeter and sweeter and sweeter, and then even we get in the mix. We're like, you you know what this whole peach sweetening

Shit just ain't happening fast enough for me Like me and my boys Monsanto we brought scalpels and laser beams and birth control pills And we're gonna figure out how to get these fucking peaches Super sweet and they last for a year Right yeah, but what if you take a shit and the tree grows and it's not peaches? It's growing shit. It's growing shit. It's just a shit tree. And you can't hack it down.

That's what ends up happening. You chop it down. Peaches get so sweet that they turn into shit. Yeah, right? That's the world I want to live in. It's like you fix it until you break it. Exactly. You fucked up.

You tried too sweet. You tried to get the peaches too sweet and you got to the point where nature rebelled. Yeah. See, that's the argument for diseases, right? The reason why there's so many diseases for human beings is that there's just too many of us and nature's like, no, no, no, no, you can't just do this. You can't just have seven billion of one thing. This is

fucking stupid. We gotta kill some of these things. No, we gotta figure out a way. No, we gotta, like, plague and all these different things. No, no, no, no, no, no. We got injections. We're gonna kill all that and then we're gonna figure out a way no we got like plague and all these different things like no no no we got injections we're gonna kill all that and then we're gonna keep it's like battling it one step ahead diseases and scientists are going to war every day on the front lines i mean that's what's going on dude nature's trying to jack us you think nature's trying to pull they're pulling the plug on us when's the last time your dog got sick? I don't have a dog. If you have a dog, here's what you do. You give your dog a Parvo shot.

They get distemper. They get rabies. And they're good. They go around eating everything they find. Licking everything. Licking everything. Pissing on everything. What percentage of dogs get sick?

Is it even one? Why have friends who have had dogs that get cancer and shit? Right, right, that can happen But like dogs getting colds When does your dog get sick? Your dog starts sneezing? Your dog ever get a cold? Get the fuck out of here, dogs don't get cold

I don't have a dog But if you did I mean I've never heard of a dog getting like a sinus infection They happen, they happen with those bulldogs for sure They get all fucked up Because their nose is only like a half an inch long. Well, they have upper respiratory, like, horrible problems. I have friends that are bulldogs, and they said it's a fucking nightmare.

Yeah, one of my dogs is a half bulldog. He's half bulldog and half Shibu Inu. So he's got, like, a little bit of a longer face. What is that? A Star Wars character? What is a Shibu Inu? It's a dog. Okay.

You son of a bitch. You fucking made that up. I didn't. it's a dog okay you son of a bitch you fucking made that up i didn't it's a cunty little furry dog that's a little on the aggressive side you know get a little cunty so your dog's half cunty half cunty half wants naps just wants a nap but he gets cunty with other dogs he bit my puppy in the face it It's pretty fucked up. Oh, is that your dog? No, that's not my dog. But my other dog, the biggest dog I have is the most chill. He doesn't fuck with anybody.

What the fuck dog was that? Why did it not have eyeballs? It did have eyeballs. Do you need glasses? Pull that picture up. Aw, look at that little cutie. That's why I got him. Because he looked like that when he was a baby.

That's what your dog looks like? A little bit. But he's got a little more bulldog to him. God, look at their eyes. But the thing about dogs, man, is they vary so much personality-wise. It's a trip. You could have three dogs from the same litter, and one of them is just a totally different kind of dog than the other ones.

When they get dogs for police dog training, they never know like what dog's going to, like how they're going to come out. Like you look for a specific type of behavior, but you don't know why. There's like good bloodlines and everything like that. But out of a litter, they're not, it's not a hundred percent, even in a good bloodline. But they're normally, what kind of, like police dogs are never like, they're specific, aren't they? Like German Shepherds or what are they?

Uh, they have a bunch of different dogs they use. Belgian Malinois are really good, but those are super hard to control golden they're really good attack dogs they're real good attack dogs like the sick sick on people they're like very effective because they're super hyper aggressive and they'll just go right for your throat and fuck you up they use those a lot in uh military what they would call the military theater oh i like that is that what they say don't they say that military theater military theater don't they say that starring chloe seven and it's like a way to sound smarter than you really are if you said using something in the

military theater like what kind of an asshole says that military i think if you add theater to anything you sound like you're smart like if you're not with the diarrhea theater. We're going to the, yeah. If they like had musicals and they did them in basketball courts, they'd make $2. Nobody would go see a musical in a basketball court. You have to go to that theater. You have to dress up. If you can see it how it really is, sneakers squeaking on aluminum steps and these people

have no microphone and they're below you doing their stupid play. Yeah, that'd be shit. Like get the fuck out of here, bitch. Theater. Went to this new musical at the gymnasium. It was terrible. Everyone started throwing toilet paper down on them. You go to the theater, you're like, this place is old.

This must rule. I've got a new suit for the gym. Yeah, nobody's ever said that going to the theater some of the theaters that you perform in when you start performing in theaters across the country you'll perform in a place that's like start it was founded in like 1920 all these weird backstages you're gonna walk through and everything it's fucking pretty dope oh what i was gonna say earlier is we're talking about florida and on I did my last tour and I did 55 cities. Everything was great.

And there were only the only train wreck shows were Florida. And, uh, I did a performance art center and it was in, I believe Orlando, I'm going to say. And I showed up and they had, I went backstage and they had these huge murals for like wicked and the lion

King and all these huge productions and then there was like nick swartzen and then uh so i was like all right i did the show i mean to stop the show because two chicks got into a fist fight oh of course over what i don't no idea it was in the balcony and i was like trying to figure out what was happening but i couldn't because they were escorted out and then afterwards they were like yeah there's a fight and then a bunch of people there's vomit all over the bathrooms So then I went out to the staff and was like what happened and all the staff were these old women that were like used to plays and musicals

And weren't ready for the Nick Swartzen Fucking tornado to come in so all these like 80 year old women were not equipped for like they said people were sleeping in the bathroom there was puke on the floor there's a fist fight it's like that is hilarious it was pretty funny i was like yeah sorry about that next week though we've got wicked next week it's a resurgence of cats being brought back by popular demand is cats being played anywhere across the country? Because I know it's not on Broadway anymore. I don't know.

Actually, I asked that same question. It's not on Broadway at all? I have a bad, bad opinion of musicals, and a lot of it is based on a girl that I dated when I was 18 who made me go to see Cats with her. And when you're 18, you don't have any fucking patience for anything. Well, yeah. What the fuck? Definitely don't have any patience for anything.

18 years old and musical? Yeah. People that are dressing up. It is playing somewhere. Ooh. Where is it playing? Back on Broadway, apparently. Oh!

Andrew Lloyd Webber's long-running classic is back on Broadway! Exclamation point. I mean, yeah, that's what it does say from Caroline's, remember? Yeah, I don't mean to diss it. Last time I saw it was 30 fucking years ago. 32 years ago, almost. Well, they're still cats.

They've not evolved. I feel like I need to go now. Let's go. I'll go with you. We should go blasted. Like, seven stars of death deep. And we should eat first. Like, take the stars of death, like, full on, take five stars of death and then have a

steak. So this is my thought process. You're sitting in a restaurant, like right after you order, you go, all right, let's do this. You, you dump the stars of death down your system. And then the food starts coming. So the food piles on your body has to struggle to digest the star and all the fat from your food, like steak and mashed potatoes if you're feeling non-keto. And as it gets cooking, like right when these dudes start, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, you're just in a cyclone of fear and self-doubt and self-criticism

and introspective thinking and feeling vulnerable about everyone's watching you and you know you're going to die and everyone's going to die. And then to top it off, though, we bring a litter box. And so we all defecate into the litter box. And then when they get mad at us, we're like, it's fucking, we're around cats. Dude. This is perfect. I was in Pittsburgh.

And I showed up for UFC in Pittsburgh at the same time when they had a furries convention. Oh, no way. Just total dumb luck. Did you go? I would have gone to that. I couldn't. I had to work. Cancel the show.

I can't. I had a show, and then I had a UFC. I was there for both. Jesus. And I had the UFC weigh-ins. I had the weigh-ins on Friday, and then I had the show right after. I didn't want to goins. I had the weigh-ins on Friday, and then I had the show right after. I didn't want to go anyway. I just wanted to, like, you could see enough by seeing them interact in the streets.

But as you're driving down the street, you would see fucking dozens and dozens of people in these furry outfits. Right. Dozens. I mean, everywhere you looked. You saw, like, these mascots, like squirrels, fucking people that are dressed up like monkeys. Look at that. Foxes and shit. And they fuck each other, right? Oh yeah, they

do. So you know that anybody wearing that is fucking something. Yeah, and you know like you might like try to fuck a female fox and you pull down the pants and it's a hairy dude butt. And you're like, well god damn it. I'm already here. I'm not really ready for this but like look how they're all walking around

and they get together of them. There's photos of thousands of them together. Just thousands. And people love it. God, it's gotta be so hot. But do they fuck? Yeah. In that outfit? I've worn costumes like that, just on sketches and shit.

What is going on here in this picture? This is so strange. They're courting each other. They're holding hands and staring into each other's eyes. You know what this is? It's like you saw cartoons when you were a little kid and they just fucked your brain up. You're like well this is what I'm looking forward to when I get out of this house. Then you get out of the house and you hear car accidents, gunshots,

rape. But do they fuck each other while they're both wearing a costume or do they fuck people that aren't wearing a costume? Apparently, and this is, I'm sorry if you're a member of the furry community and I misrepresent you, but some of them have hatches where their asshole is sort of like those old school pajamas in those Wild West cartoons.

Yeah. Remember the Wild West pajamas where they had like, like Popeye always had those. Dookie flap. You know, you got two buttons that cover your shitter, like the shit trap, and you open up the trap door and drop a bomb in there and then button that fucker back up. They probably had drawstrings. They probably didn't even have rubber waistbands back then, right? No, they probably had those big buttons on either side.

How did they tighten down your underwear back then? Was it buttons? That makes sense. They probably had buttons in the front and buttons in the shitter. I think they had buttons on everything back then. So these kids They thought that was the future And then they went out there and they got punched in the face

The moment they left their house And then probably somebody did terrible things to them And they went to school and they got picked on And then here they are just wishing they were a squirrel I want to be a squirrel just like in the cartoon That was my favorite thought when I was young And I'd watch the squirrel cartoon and be like I want to be a squirrel

I don't want to go to school I don't the squirrel cartoon and be like I want to be a squirrel I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be a squirrel Well the hotel where we were at they got a request It was they're filled up with furries except me and a few of the other UFC staff. I'm not I'm not lying It's a filled amazing and they got a request and the request was the furries asked if they could put a litter box in the Lobby no way yes, they wanted to pay put a litter box in the lobby. No way. Yes. They wanted to pay for a litter box to be brought into the lobby. They're like, this whole convention is all us.

So can we do that? And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? They took my idea for cats. They tried to get a litter box and put it in the front lobby of like the Westin in Pittsburgh. To make smelly in? Apparently. I mean, it could have all just been just... They could have been like...

Come on, man. Well, they definitely were asking for food to be delivered in bowls on the ground. Whatever they ordered, they wanted to put in a bowl like a dog food bowl and eat it on the ground. Right. There were several different rooms that were requesting this. That I can see, though, if you're going to go that distance. But if you're that broken... You're not taking a shit in the fucking lobby, alright? Come on, dog.

You never know until you ask. You don't know until you ask. I think it's all us. It's all us here. It's just all us. We're amongst friends. We'll pay him. We'll pay him. We'll pay him. Why don't we just ask? Let's just ask. Like, they're so crazy. They just probably asked. Yeah, I mean, I get... It's like, just have a litter box in your room.

In the lobby? Yeah. Come on, man. I bet get it's like have them just have a litter box in your room and the lobby Yeah, come on man. I bet a lot of them had them in their room Going up that fucking flight of stairs with a duffel bag filled with litter Housekeeping and a big ol fucking plastic cement mixer They pour the kitty litter in one of those plastic cement mixers, you know You ever make concrete when you were a kid you ever have to make concrete no I Construction jobs sometimes you'd have to make concrete so you have to pour the shit and pour the water and mix it You have to mix it in this big old fucking plastic tub That was a lot like a big litter box right and you could just do. Just get one of them cement mixing tubs. Good lord.

I want to do that. I want to try it. If you could get thousands of people. I would get into a furry outfit. I don't want to get fucked. Okay. Who would you be? Who would I be? Yeah, if you could be a furry. Like, what creature? Would you, uh, what do you feel like your spirit animal is, Nick? Hmm. That's a good question.

I don't know. Maybe, uh. Do you think you're spirit animal is, Nick? That's a good question. I don't know, maybe a... Do you think you're a monkey or a wolf? I would say a monkey over a wolf, if those are the options. Okay, so we're moving more towards monkey. I'm just trying to get a taste palette. It's a series of questions that I use to determine which one would be best for you. I would say a squirrel. Squirrel, interesting.

It's very Midwest. You are a rat, but your tail is so cute, we let it slide. Plus, you only eat nuts and plants. Yeah. Rats eat everything. Yeah, I'm not a fucking rat. Too sketchy. Yeah, rats are just...

Can't be trusted. Carrying diseases. Squirrels are chill. I used to hang out with squirrels in New York. I would go into Union Square, and I saw a guy get a bag of nuts, and I watched him. He would sit in the middle of the park, and the squirrels would come and crawl on him, and he would put a nut in his fist,

and the squirrels would reach in like it was a little hole and pull the nut out and eat it on his arm. So I studied this guy for weeks, and I was like, I want to fucking do that. So I go, and I get a bag of nuts, and I got the courage up, and I got into I want to fucking do that so I go and I get a bag of nuts and I got the courage up and I got into the middle of the park and I sat there and the squirrels started coming on me and I started getting like panicky but you can't panic so I just zoned out

and then the squirrels started feeding out of my hands and I started becoming a squirrel man and then I started I wanted to show my friends so I bring my buddies and like like to the park with me. And I'm like, watch this. And they'd be like, what the fuck are you doing, man?

And I'm like, watch. And the squirrels would be on my arms and stuff. And my friends were like, dude, I'm not on board with this at all. And nobody thought it was cool. They just thought I was a fucking complete lunatic. And I thought I was like an X-Men or something. I had gotten this power that I dialed into a whole... I don't know.

You became like a Beastmaster. Yeah, I thought it was rad. Do you remember that show? Yeah, of course. The dude used to be able to tell animals what to do and they'd all listen to him. Yeah, Beastmaster was the shit. And he was fucking ripped. The one thing they could remake, they fucking don't.

That would be a sweet remake. And 100% you should be the Beastmaster. You or me. We could be Beastmasters. We could do it. Brothers and sisters. Beastmasters. We need a bunch of chicks, too.

You gotta have diversity today if you're gonna pitch a show. We should have at least one black, female, trans Beastmaster. Look at him. He's jacked. That seems like the newer version of Beastmaster. Is that the original Beastmaster? Is that the porno? No, it's that guy right above him. He's jacked. That seems like the newer version of Beastmaster. Is that the original Beastmaster? Is that the porno? No, it's that guy right above him.

Yeah, that guy. That was the original Beastmaster. That was the dude that was in a movie called Laser Blast. Laser Blast was a fucking favorite science fiction movie of mine when I was like a little kid, man. Like during the Star Wars days. Yeah, and he found his gun He found his gun makeup on the right

Oh so bad you put it was this alien gun that you put in your arm like you put your arm in it rather Like you fist this gun I guess how it works and he found this thing like the alien that's like crashed their spaceship and lost their gun and this dude picked it up and the gun slowly but surely Turned him into this monster. It was awesome fucking thing Yeah, see that guy like see the pictures those are the actual aliens. That's what he turned into those the laser blasts 1978 Dude, I was 11. Yeah, I was 11 years old when this came out So when you see the guy like in upper pictures, scroll up a little bit,

see the one with the teeth out on the left-hand side on the top? With the teeth on the left-hand side? Yeah, that one. That is what he turned into when he kept fucking with that gun. It was sort of like a take on Gollum's Ring in a way, right? The more he fucked with his gun, the more he would become one of those aliens and start shooting shit with this weird fisting gun it was dope though dude see if you can get a clip you find a clip online turns into me in Vegas

ah hey dude when you're 11 it's awesome go I'm sure screen it's a special preview oh this is a preview see so dude finds this in the desert what the fuck look in the aliens like oh no He's got our gun They're pissed off see they're in their spaceship, and he uses it Yeah see the spaceship lands and visitors from a galaxy light years away. That ship has decent effects. How bad is this?!

Oh my god, it's the greatest thing of all time. Oh, he shot at them! He fucked them up and they fucked him up! ...like anything on this planet. Oh my god, this is so bad! ...belong to us in the future, this is so bad! Look at him. He just looks like a douche, right? Like a douche, and he turns into a monster.

Look. It literally would hurt the guy. Oh my god, this is so bad! They shot the cop car. And the world tried to take it away. They didn't know I noticed. Oh! The town sealed off. Oh my gosh.

They tipped over his bike. When we have the new studio, we should do a fight companion with this movie, Laser Blast. Oh my god. You and me. You don't drink anymore. Damn it. I do. You do. I'm just taking a break. How much of a break? companion with this movie laser blast oh my god you don't drink anymore damn it i do you do i'm just taking a break how much of a break i'm starting on the movie in like two weeks so i'm

taking a break until after labor day okay after labor day you and i will get fucked up and we'll watch laser blast 100 and we will start it from play and we'll watch this fucking silly movie play more of it keep it just keep it running in the background the entire time the show's on. Yeah, there's like 10 seconds left of the trailer. It's so bad. How bad is it? That looks really bad. So bad.

It's so bad. Any time a gun sounds like that. So I was wrong. That's not the laser blast guy. It's a different guy who looks like him. It looks like him. He's from another movie though the guy the laser blast guy was in or the beastmaster guy was in some

other movie he looks familiar he looks like an old school shit what is this the french version he's got the whole movie laser blast well wait show beastmaster trailer look how bad it is look how bad like even the the even the fucking letters are shaky. Like, when they play the letters, look at this. They can't even keep it still. No effort into the font. They didn't have the skill back then. They would do all this shit by hand, like a bunch of monkeys.

Is that the dude, Kim Milford? Cheryl Smith was probably hot as fuck back in the day, right? She definitely did coke. Do you think so? I mean, it's 1978. I don't think you had a choice back then. Yeah, they made you did coke. Do you think so? I mean, it's 1978. I don't think you had a choice back then. Yeah, they made you do coke. They punched coke into your face when you were born.

And you had to wear bell bottoms. Yeah. This is the beginning of the movie. Dude's like, hey, what's that? Like, this movie's so fucking stupid. He's like, well, I was just walking. I'm so tired. Just walking through a boiling hot shit desert.

I can't believe. So I think this is like the alien with the gun. Well, let's save it until we wait. Okay. Until we watch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll save it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is the original alien. That he was, uh, that's what it was. That guy dies and he leaves him the gun. Spoiler alert. So, I'm wrong. I thought that that guy was the Beastmaster guy. But Beastmaster... Doesn't matter. we were still turned on to a gem with laser blast

I'm glad I remembered that I don't know how I remembered that I don't know how the fuck that's still in my brain because I haven't seen that movie I probably haven't seen it since like a year after I watched it the first time Mark Singer he was in some movie he played a blind guy

that guy's Mark Singer. He was in some movie. He played a blind guy. That guy's been in everything. Yeah. He was in Teen Wolf. He's kissing a dude. What's that all about? Cut that out. Beauty and the Beast.

He's going LRG on that. Yeah, that guy's got a gang of movies he did. Also Beastmaster. And The Young and the young and the restless. If you had a Beastmaster, would people think it was racist if you hired a black guy? What do you mean? If you had a guy that could talk to monkeys. As long as he's a white guy. If it's a white guy and the white guy can walk in the forest and falcons land on him and fucking giraffes come up to him and gives him an apple and shit.

Everybody's cool with it. But if you had a black guy, like Jet Black, Wesley Snipes Black, and he's walking through the jungle and all the animals flock to him. And he and the monkeys, they talk to each other. He tells the monkeys what to do. People will be like, no fucking way. That is so racist. Are you saying that black people are closer to these animals? What the fuck?

No, no, no. That's what we're saying. No, no, no. We're saying he's really cool and the animals like him. That's not what I got out of it, bro. How come white people can't talk to monkeys but black people can? Get the fuck out of here with your racist, bullshit-ass, ableist movie. Right? But if it's a white blonde guy, you-ass, ableist movie. Right?

But if it's a white, blonde guy, you're like, yeah, he's amazing like Thor. You can talk to anything. Yeah, he's amazing. He's like channels the spirits of these animals. They know he's pure. He doesn't have facial hair. Yeah, if he spoke to a unicorn, people wouldn't freak out. He doesn't have any clothes on, but his hair is coiffed. He's like, he doesn't need

clothes, bro. I just need shampoo and some conditioner. He lives in the jungle, but his hair is just perfect. Perfect. It's just like style. It's a little kind of frosted. Somehow he has highlights in the forest. That's cool.

Doesn't make any sense. He's super close with eagles. Dude, I had a hawk issue in my backyard yesterday. I tweeted, I Instagrammed this picture that I found a hawk dead in my yard that another animal had something, had bitten its head off. Jesus. And had eaten its breast tissue. Ugh.

Okay? So that was a while back. Well, yesterday I was out in my yard and I let the chickens out. I have chickens and the chickens are wandering around and there's three fucking hawks. They're not big hawks. They're small. They're like the size of this thermos. You know, so probably like 12 inches high or something.

Not a big hawk. But they're trying to jack these chickens. They're like on the chicken coop and one of them swoops down and slams into the mesh, like bangs into the mesh of the chicken coop like just trying to get at them sees a chicken dude so i'm like this is crazy so i have my kids come out my wife come out we're looking at these birds swooping down and one of them landing on top of the roof and the other ones in the trees i'm like this is so fucking strange man what is going on and they're just making noise like like really loud, meh, meh, like really loud.

They're juveniles. And I found two of them that are dead. And what I'm thinking, the two of them that I found that are dead are bigger. So I saw these animals, these small ones, and then the next day I found a dead one. And the dead one also had its head missing. I think there's some sort of a bird war going on in my neighborhood, that there's like a bird gang war going on. And I think there's hawks and there's larger hawks.

And one of my friends saw a larger hawk eating baby hawks in a tree. Good Lord. Yeah. Yeah. He was on the way down the street and apparently going to his car and he saw these hawks that are in our neighborhood killing these baby

hawks. And we're like, what the fuck is going on? And so I was like, so the babies were there by themselves? And then the hawks killing the babies? He saw it happen. I was like, that is insane. So this is like some sort of a gang war. Because I told him about the hawks being dead, and he found one of them

like that. Shit is getting real in your neighborhood. Dude, it's crazy. It's fucking Hawkmageddon. I wonder, I think it's just hawks killing other hawks. Like, they're trying to establish, probably just like all these other animals. Apparently mountain lions do that too.

Bears do that. They'll kill the young ones. They'll find other people's young and kill them because they think they're competition There's only so many rats you know the right or a rabbit that a hawk can eat cad fuck dude That's a chance, so we found two two different Hawks with no heads Do you normally have a lot of Hawks in your neighborhood is this definitely you see him all the time you see him floating around There's circling all the time see him all the time you You see them floating around. They're circling all the time. You see them all the time. All throughout the Hollywood Hills, you can see them. I don't know if I've ever seen a hawk, maybe. My friend Tom, Tom Sharonis, director, he was in his house in Studio City,

and he watched a dove or some small bird just get jacked by a hawk right in front of him. It was sitting on a fence. The bird was just sitting there chilling. Oh, what a wonderful was sitting on a fence. Just the bird was just sitting there chilling. Oh, what a wonderful day to be a bird. And he said this hawk just came down and just grabbed him right there and fucking flew off. And they do it just for fun, right? No, they eat them. They eat birds.

Do they really? Dude, birds eat birds. Yeah. We played a video of owls jacking a hawk. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen that one? No. An owl jacking a hawk?

Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. I've seen owls eat rabbits and shit, right? They put a night vision camera on this tree so they could capture these hawks that were in this little nest together. It might be even a young hawk. And this owl comes in from out of the sky. You don't see anything until you see its eyes. You see its floating eyes.

And then, watch this. Watch this video. It's amazing. That's a hawk? Yeah. Watch this. Boom. Later.

Bitch. Just jacks him. His buddy's like, Mark? One more time. One more time. One more time. Yeah, let's see that again. Watch this.

See the little eyes in the distance? See how they're floating? Oh, yeah. Here it comes. Holy shit. Watch this. Bitch. Oh, my gosh. Crazy as that. So, there you go. There's your answer. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Watch this. Bitch. Oh, my gosh.

Crazy is that. So there you go. There's your answer. Birds eat birds. Dude, that's intense. They eat the fuck out of each other. I mean, if you see Ethan Hawk in your neighborhood, I would get fucking really worried, dude. Ethan's looking very predatory lately.

That would be really scary. That would be dope. I wish my last name were Hawk. You can make it Hawk. I bet he did. You think he did? But his name's like Ethan Wienerschnitzel. He's like, I gotta be mysterious.

I gotta be Hawk. Ethan Shamalama. Ding dong. There's a lot of people who've done that, right? Like Jamie Foxx. He had the most brilliant idea ever. He made his name an androgynous name so that he would get picked as people to go up in the laugh factory Because it was a laugh factory open mic

And they would pick chicks more than they would pick dudes Because there weren't very many chicks So they would try to get a certain amount of chicks Right So he made his name ambiguous He changed his name to Jamie Foxx with two X's That's pretty cool Smart

His old stand upup's hilarious. I used to watch his old Showtime specials. He's gonna be on on Thursday. Is he really? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. That guy can do everything. He's a bizarre guy. Insanely talented. He can sing, he can act. He can legitimately sing and legitimately

act. And do stand-up. And do stand-up. Stand-up's the fucking hardest. I mean, that's... To be like a monster... He was a big headliner, dude. Dude, you remember when he... That guy was a monster. Yeah, he just stopped doing it. The foxhole? Remember when he had that character he did in Living Color? The woman

with the giant crazy lips? Yeah. Fucking hilarious. He was the original duck face. Right? Wasn't she? Yeah. Was that... Did she do that? Am I imagining that she made a Duckface? No, she did. Is that the original Duckface?

You can find it, right? Can I see it? Yeah, Ugly Wanda. Do you think that Ugly Wanda is the original of the Duckface? Yeah, there's the Duckface. That's Ugly Wanda. That character might be the original Duckface. That might be what everybody copied. that might be with like what everybody copies

it's already hilarious right there it's hilarious dude in living color is a forgotten show it's one of the funniest fucking shows ever yeah it was amazing dude you remember handyman yeah of course do you remember fire marshal bill I remember fire marshal bill god I can't stop coughing um fire marshal bill I was i was playing pool me and my friend john were playing pool in new york and this show was on uh you know above the pool table we were like what the fuck we're like i can't even believe this is a real show like there had never been a show like when jim carrey played that guy who'd been burnt up in a fire yeah never been a fucking sketch show where they showed a guy with scars all over his face.

Like, what the fuck? Oh, yeah. And also. Yeah. Remember that? He had no lips. A burn victim. And he just looked crazy.

That is insane. See if you can find a clip. Well, also Venus DeMilo, the person who did Crystal Meth. A Crystal Meth trans weightlifter. Like, what the fuck? how do you even pitch that what a crazy show people forgot how about two snaps up yeah remember that it was amazing people forgot they forgot how good this show was yeah they were great when we were um young in the 90s this was the show yeah it was hilarious it was the show. Yeah, it was hilarious.

It was the show. It's the show that launched Jennifer Lopez. It didn't launch her. She was a fly girl, bro. Well, yeah, but... I mean... But she wasn't acting on the show. Didn't matter, dude. She became a fly girl.

Come on, son. Have some respect. All right. No, I'm just saying... You're not impressed? You're like, I don't even care, bro. I'm impressed that she's a flagger. I remember her being a flagger.

I'm saying she didn't... That wasn't her first thing. Was that her first thing? I think it was her first thing, man. Where is she? God, that's her in the front. That's her in the bottom. Holy fuck.

I want my money back. What have you done? What do you really look like? How did you do that? That is funny that they had She was the first girl The Fly Girls She was the first girl to become famous for her ass

Right? Not for her ass Obviously she's talented Don't get me wrong She's ripped now Is she? Yeah Great shape

Yeah But she also resisted The temptation to accentuate that ass In an artificial manner. She's stuck with squats and dancing. Respect. Respect. Because she was the original big booty girl, right?

I mean, if you think about it. And then all those other chicks. Yeah. That's the first person I remember where people are like, oh, shit. Some people are taking it too far. I saw a young lady this weekend that was just taking it way too far. Well, I mean,

why it's a butt implants to me are so bizarre. I don't know why the fuck, I don't know what that does. That's a real butt. That's Jennifer Lopez's butt. That is a bottom. That's, that's legit.

That is Latina DNA. That's exercise, squats, dancing, and just the sheer love of dick. That just comes out in everything she does like look at that God damn that woman's hot. Oh She's 48 she could be 100 what she's 48 if she's 100 and looks just like that people will line up to fuck her look at Her skin yeah, she's an insane insanely hot. It's like some Westworld shit. Well, she's got like super

power DNA. Like there's no way you just get that with a regular person. That's like super power DNA. Yeah, no, that's amazing. But what was the point? That's like my skin. See, she stayed natural, man. That's the crazy thing. Like there's so many women, like, and obviously

not her stature where they're like legit movie stars and stuff like that. But, like, some of these pop gals are stuffing so much fucking stuff into their ass. Yeah. That it wiggles like a waterbed. It's, like, nauseating. When they're shaking themselves. There was some, what is the girl's name?

Iggy Azalea? Is that her name? There's a video that she's doing where she's shaking her ass. And it's literally, like, trying to fuck in a waterbed. It's like, whoosh, whoosh. Sound effects. It's like, stop. Slow down.

Unless that's your real ass. In which case, multiple apologies. Multiple. Many apologies if that's your real ass. You're big ass shaming. You're body shaming. Fuck you, Joe. You're big ass shaming. You're body shaming. Fuck you, Joe. I'm not body shaming.

But if you have a crazy body, we're going to talk about it. And if your ass is that giant, people are going to talk about it. Yeah. I guess it's body shaming to be. No, it's surgery shaming. That's what it is. I think that's legitimate, to surgery shame. Sure, right?

If you call it like if it's not like If we had done that earlier would we have lost Michael Jackson like if somebody surgery shamed him like super a dude Hey, hey, hey stop Yeah, what do you what are you doing? What's going on? Why is your nose doing this? What's going on? Why is it getting so small? Yeah, like he's no all start caving in man everyone was caving in i'm aware good lord good lord i mean i have a friend so i went to dinner with a friend of mine she's awesome and i hadn't seen her for a while and she got plastic surgery plastic surgery and i didn't she didn't bring it up i hadn't seen her for like five years and i was it was noticeable not Not big time, but enough.

And I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to do, so I just didn't say anything. But I wanted to be like, why? But once somebody already does it, it's kind of a fucking moot point to be like, hey, what'd you do? Go back. So I just let it go.

But it was really awkward. She was already fucking gorgeous. And then I don't know why she did that to herself. So it was really bizarre. It was a very bizarre feeling. Have you experienced that? Have you seen? I mean, you must have.

I definitely have. But my friend, even weirder, was dating a girl, an Asian girl, who got that eye surgery. What? Yeah, yeah. And he hadn't seen her in a long time. And then he actually told me about this. Excuse me. After we did the podcast, we were talking about that eye surgery.

Remember when we showed it? Like how many Korean women in particular are getting this crazy surgery where it changes your face. It makes your eyes way bigger. They cut your lids. Oh, God. And give you like this anime weird look. And it's apparently super, super popular.

But he hadn't seen her in a while. And then he saw her and she had the thing done and he didn't even recognize her. He was like, what? Right. It was like, it was off. It was like, if I saw you and all of a sudden your eyes were giant, I had to go, hey, what's up, Nick? Like, look, look at that.

Wow. Yeah. In that case, it looks really good. I, look at that. Wow. Yeah. In that case, it looks really good. I was going to say. Bravo. But it's a weird thing that is like super, super common. They get that look, right? So they go from having, is that a bunch of different girls?

Ooh, that scares the shit out of me. Dude, we have a friend I just realized who got it done. If that's a bunch of different girls, that freaks me the fuck out. Have you seen him? No. He got it done. You know who that is? Of course. He did the same thing with eyes. Let's keep it on the DL. Yeah, that's why I wrote it down. I didn't show you.

But that's like, she's becoming like westernized. See, this is what they do. It's so crazy, dude. They slice your lid and they take like a chunk out of it like say if you were cutting up a mango in the slices they take a nice little mango slice and then stitch that bad boy up and then your lids are just way smaller it says nations have different need for beauty Choi says in Korea the land is small and crowded that everyone can see and look at each other in the face. What?

What the fuck are you talking about? No, you don't like having slant the eyes. That's all it is You don't like the way your eyes look I get it. Don't say crazy shit and unless that's a translation problem Nations have different need for beauty listen to this explanation. Hey, why do you guys have so many eye surgeries well in korea the land is small and crowded and that everybody can see can look each other in the face the fuck did you just say oh my god you're drunk you're on pills yeah they got shit faced well it must be some sort of a a translation issue i think so yeah because like if you said that to me i'd be like nick is i think he's gone crazy. Dude, the sentences don't make sense. No, Joe, they do make sense.

My eyes couldn't see about your face. Hi. What's wrong? Why is that weird? Yeah, my friend that I hadn't seen for a while, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say, so I just started screaming and threw hot water in her face.

Oh my god. As loud as i could i just started screaming and got a boiling pot of water and started yelling monster at the restaurant and everybody stopped and i just ran out and jumped into a cab do you remember night of of the Living Dead? Or not Night of the Living Dead. Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Yeah. When someone would turn into one of those things and they would just be like, just something wrong. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Something's wrong with Nick.

He just doesn't seem like Nick anymore. And it was a slight thing. Like, Nick, what's wrong? Nothing. You would wander off and you'd really be an alien. Yeah. And they would find the pod. Like, oh my God. Nick! They would find the pod. Oh my God. Nick.

They'd find the pod under your bed, like cobwebs and shit. Oh no. Ew. Well, it's like The Thing. Remember The Thing? I do. That was the fucking, it's the best movie. One of my favorite movies of all time.

The original John Carpenter's thing. Fuck yeah. Well, that wasn't even the original. It was so trippy. That wasn't even the original. Well, no, yeah, that was a remake, but it was a good remake. It was awesome. Ph was so trippy. That wasn't even the original. Well, no, yeah, that was a remake, but it was a good remake. It was awesome. Phenomenal remake.

But that was so trippy because you didn't know until they burned their blood who was an alien. So you just walk around like, yeah, what happened to Gary? I don't know. Are you all right, Mark? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just tired. Didn't he get the dog too? It became part of the dog. Yeah. Remember that? When they burned it, it was turned dog, too? It became part of the dog. Remember that? When they burned it, it turned into a dog, too. Tentacles and shit. Remember when they're doing an operation on the guy?

God. Remember when they're doing an operation on the guy, and the chest opens up and becomes jaws and bites his arms off? Yeah. They're doing the, what's it called? Yeah, the fibuloplasty. The fibulator. Fibulator.

Defibrillator, is that what it would like in his fucking yeah, let's go through It turned into jaws and opened up and bit his arms off Yeah, that movie ruled that movies and it holds up even though the effects are bizarre it holds up It still gives you like wicked anxiety dude Kurt Russell in in this movie is one of my all-time favorites. Yeah, look at that. That's crazy. It opens up and bites that guy's... Isn't that guy from Cheers?

Was he in Cheers? He could be. If he's not, he should be. I'll just say he was. Is this a scene from Cheers? Is this one of the last episodes where they cut him off? Yeah, they're like, these guys are going crazy. They're like, Steve, you're cut off.

Remember it turned into a big spider thing? Yeah, that was kind of weird. The head popped up legs and started running around like a spider. That movie was scary as fuck, man. How about The End? The End is the best. Don't spoiler alert. I know I won't.

Spoiler. I didn't. I didn't. Is that Rick Baker? Yeah, for sure it's Rick Baker. He's the special effects guy that did American Werewolf in London. He's fucking ledge. He passed away, right? I do not think he did. I think he's still alive. Oh, sorry Rick. I believe Rick Baker's still alive. I think he was just working on something, something that's going on right now.

I forget what it was, but I feel like there's some new project that I just read something about. I forget what it- God damn it. Did you see the new version of the thing? They did a third version. I saw it. I thought it was good. I liked it. I did not like it.

How dare you? No, I just... I thought it was good. I wanted to like it, but I just thought it was bad. It's okay, bro. People get mad if you don't like things they like. Yeah. They're like...

Bro, maybe you suck. Maybe you suck. Yeah, they turn it on you. Yeah, they get mad at you. But also, I'm somebody where I want to like shit. So when people are like, oh, you're just a hater. It's like, no. I fucking go to a movie because I want to like it.

If I watch something, I don't want to hate something. Why would I make an effort to go to a movie to hate it? That's fucking retarded. I agree, dude. So I go, and then I'm oh, this is I don't like this And then people go no you don't and I'm like no, I don't I just I didn't like it. It wasn't You know, I'm on your side, bro. Thank you. Jesus. Everyone's so touchy Yeah, it's ridiculous. Did you see life with Ryan Reynolds? I did see life. Did you like it? I liked it

Did you like it Jamie? I liked it. I put it on Twitter and I got attacked. People were like, you're a fucking idiot. That show sucked. That movie blew. It was stupid. It was cliche. Same old shit. It was a ripoff of Aliens.

There's a lot of people that liked it, but it seemed like there was a good percentage of them that hated it. Well, here's the thing. It's like that critique where people go, they took this, this, and it's like, yeah, movies do borrow certain elements and especially like life had certain's like, yeah, movies do borrow certain elements. And especially life had certain stuff that, yeah, devices that they used. But it's also, it's still, you just have to go, okay. And then sit back and just enjoy performances and enjoy what they made. It's a fucking really well shot movie.

You know what it really highlighted to me? That television shows, like, it's contagious, bro. Now you're doing it yeah thanks television shows like house of cards and game of thrones these serial shows they've ruined movies this is why because like to tell a story in 90 minutes you're so limited yeah you can only get it so invested in the character there's only so many different plot twists you can have like especially like this sort of a genre right like you take an alien life form it gets on board the people and tries to kill them okay how many times we've seen that we've seen that a fucking thousand

times in movies right right so you're gonna run into a bunch of pro and you got to jam it all into 90 minutes like there's certain things that have to be like plot mechanisms they have to take place like the alien has to attack the first person you're gonna see it coming there's gonna be like a bunch of shit going on you have to adhere to certain cliche kind of devices. That's why people that, do you like Prometheus? I did like Prometheus. I didn't love it.

I like Prometheus. I didn't love it. And I like the new alien. I didn't see the new alien, but I heard it's awesome. It's great. I mean, I like both of them and I got a lot of shit for that. People are like, you're a fucking idiot. And I was like, easy grandma.

You'll be hanging around with mean people what is that a joke no it wasn't my ground no but no but people no i do hang out with people that are critical like director friends and shit but our directors are the worst to watch a movie with yeah they're pretty bad director people because they're they're so beyond critical but like i'm critical of comedies like when i go to comedies i walk out of a lot of them because i just i'm like uh you know what the worst is? What? If you're around actors that haven't made it.

Actors that barely work and they'll watch something. Super negative. I don't even understand that choice. Yeah. Yeah, that's really bad. Whatever happened to his career? You're like, that's Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah, what's his middle name?

Day? Yeah. His career really fell off after that movie. Somebody said that about the dude in Jurassic Park. Like, he's in fucking Jurassic Park. It's one of the biggest movies of all time. Everyone's career falls off after Jurassic Park, okay? It's no way to get bigger, you stupid fuck.

Like, I'm sure the guy probably did a lot of movies after Jurassic fucking Park. Also, maybe he made enough money that he doesn't have to do movies anymore, you twat. Right. Yeah, he's cashing his fucking Jurassic dollars. And can I have my latte? I'm tired of this. I just hate his choice. His career totally dropped off.

Did you say non-fat? Non-fat soy Sugar free please Yeah it is funny I'll do interviews for stuff And they'll be like Yeah man I'm just looking over your stuff Why did you do that movie?

And I'm like cause my friend was in it And he asked me to do it Cause I was hoping it wasn't gonna suck Cause I fucking Yeah I'm friends with people my friend was in it and he asked me to do it. Because I was hoping it wasn't going to suck. I'm like, because I fucking, yeah, I'm friends with people and they're doing a project. They're like, hey, you want to do this? I'm like, all right. I'm not going to go, no, fuck you, man. Oh, yeah, you're my friend?

Like, yeah, there's like other variables besides, you know. Yeah, man, I was willing to do your assassin show. Exactly. There it is, right there. You would do that for me because you trust me. Exactly. I didn willing to do your assassin show. Exactly. There it is right there. You would do that for me because you trust me. Exactly. I didn't even look into it. And I could find out like halfway into the filming,

Nick eats a pound of Adderall a day. A full pound of Adderall. They deliver it in pounds. He's just on Adderall. He doesn't even know he's making a movie. He just found out it's a movie. Thought he was in a dream about making a movie. He doesn't even know he's making a movie. He just found out it's a movie. Thought he was in a dream about making a movie. He just found out he's actually making a movie.

He thought he was at the theater. He hasn't slept in a year. Just one year, no sleep. This guy puts Adderall on his foot and then kicks it in the next mouth. I think if you didn't sleep for a long time but you were still up moving, you would probably just start hallucinating, right? Isn't that what people say? I did. Right. What happened to i did right what's the true story i did a show in tahoe riders on the storm riders i did a show in tahoe and i forgot to be hydrated so i didn't get

hydrated at all and so i didn't drink any water and i was drinking on the plane then me and my buddy got in arena we drove to tahoe we were drinking in Tahoe I did my show we just kept drinking I didn't eat drink any water and then uh I got sick I was up like I don't know maybe like 15 hours and then uh I kept drinking and like didn't really think about it I'm at the casino I'm having fun and then I start feeling sick and then um I try to go to bed and I can't. And then so I'm awake throughout the night. And then the next day I'm like still awake. And I'm like kind of panicking now because I haven't slept for like over 24 hours.

And now I have like I've realized I have altitude sickness because I'm puking. And then I haven't so I'm starting to drink water. So I got I drank and I got alcohol poisoning and altitude sickness and sleep deprivation so i flew home to la and i had slept for like 30 fucking six hours and i'm in my bed i'm like i gotta go to sleep so i get in my bed and then uh i just start hearing like music and like all this stuff and like people like there was a party next door but there was no party and then so i was like what the fuck and then i'm lying in my bed and i just hear pounding on my floor and I was like what the fuck and I heard like legitimate like pounding and I was like totally awake and I realized I hadn't slept and then I like I took like a some like some sleeping

like at some NyQuil or something and then I finally got to bed but it was super weird man yeah I've heard people that do those races those ultra marathon races they start seeing shit that's not there cam didn't have that happen to him but i've heard other people they see people on the side of the road waving at them that aren't even there really yeah dude altitude have you ever gotten altitude fucks with me real bad my friend ben ben o'brien who was on the show last week the week before last he was talking about how he was in Nepal and he was getting altitude sickness while he's in Nepal and he saw a baby on the side of the road and there was no baby and he saw a wolf saw wolf's like dude guys there's a wolf there's a wolf and they're like oh my god how many feet

was he there's no wolf he's way the fuck up there yeah a box of you bad yeah he's above 13,000 feet and and he was sick too he was everybody got food poisoning so he caught food poisoning and altitude sickness oh and he was just seeing things he saw a baby he's like you guys don't see that baby nobody was and they're like oh my god you see a baby you see a baby it's a baby just chilling on the side of the road i'd be like look look closer at the baby and then i'd just push him off Are you that guy? Are you the one who cuts his losses?

You're like this guy is not going to make it You gotta think about survival of the group man Your buddy would not survive around me Did you watch Lost And think how you would handle things differently? I never saw Lost I never saw one episode Should I watch it? Yes Up until like the last season I never saw Lost. I never saw one episode. Never saw one episode. I've heard people.

Should I watch it? Yes. Up until like the last season and then quit. I heard it kind of jumped ship. The last season was like they're all like standing around while there's a pool that brings you back to life and no one's freaking out. Like what is wrong? What the fuck kind of show am I watching? Did you guys forget?

People have to believe this shit. Okay, what the fuck kind of show am I watching? Did you guys forget that people have to believe this shit? Okay, what do you do? They're just standing around there in that perfect order that you do on sitcoms, where there's a person talking here, and there's another person talking right there. That never happens in real life. The perfect blocking. Yeah, perfect blocking. In real life, people look at each other, you fucking asshole.

You're all standing around. No one's freaking out. There's a pond that brings people back to life, and you guys are just phoning it in fuck you I think that's why I jumped ship in X I heard it just see derailed super bad and then I heard the the writers didn't think it was gonna go that long and so they ran out of shit that's so that somebody told me that they were like yeah we didn't think it was we weren't really ready it's so good in the beginning though in the beginning it's so good it's such a good show for the first like who knows how many seasons I binge watch was like five or six, right?

Yeah up until the last like season it started to fall apart It's that many people on the show and our boy Dominic who was on the show he's been on this podcast That's my funny my buddy Jorge Garcia. And then what happened to dude who was like, kind of overweight and won the lottery? And there's the girl,

that girl from Lost. She did a, oh, she was one of the girls in the, the, the Hobbit movie. Yeah,

she was like a elf, elf chick. Hot as fuck. She was an elfin? And then so was Dominic Monaghan. Yeah, he was an elf too. She was hot.

No, no, Dominic was something else. Wasn't he a Hobbit? she was hot no no dominic was something else wasn't he a hobbit he was a hobbit yeah one of my favorite moments i was in an audition one time years ago and the lord of the rings had just come out and i'd seen it we were auditioning for some shitty movie and he was in the waiting room and they came out and they're like we're running about 40 minutes behind i was like you're fucking kidding me he was like jesus man what the hell and i go what what are you doing here and he goes

what do you mean i go you were just in lord of the rings and he goes yeah and he goes and i go they're not they shouldn't make you wait 40 minutes dude i would be fucking mad and he was like you're right i go yeah no shit i go fucking call your agent man you're a rabble you're fucking in the you're one of the rings of the lord were you doing that just to kick him out of there so you could get the part? No, I would have let him go in front of me. I'm a good guy. Wow. I was like, dude, you're in the biggest movie in the world.

Put that picture back up. I want to see something here. I forgot all these characters. Now I'm remembering them when I'm seeing this again. Remember the Middle Eastern guy? What's his name? Saeed? That's his name?

He's a bad motherfucker. He's DTF. He was the first Middle Eastern dude who got to fuck white chicks in a big time show, right? He had a hot white girlfriend, didn't he? Keith Urban is on it? No, that's not Keith Urban, bro. How dare you? And then there's that Korean guy who was in Hawaii Five-O.

And they want to believe in Hawaii Five-O. They were pissed off. They were saying that they don't get enough respect. Like the Asian actors weren't getting paid as much as the white actors. And Hawaii Five-0. They're pissed off. They're saying that they don't get enough respect. Like the Asian actors weren't getting paid as much as the white actors. And Hawaii Five-0? Yeah, that was the complaint. I don't know if it's true.

I don't know if I would complain if I was on a show in Hawaii. I'd be like, yeah, you can pay me in fucking Doritos. I don't give a shit. Dude, I think after a while, you just get tired of everything you're doing. If you're doing somebody's show and it's in paradise, you get tired of being paradise i bet right don't they say people get island fever right they move to like oahu and then after a while like i gotta get out of here i can't do this well right i guess i don't know if i could i would love to do that that's a fever i would not mind getting do you see yourself uh living in maui in the future yeah my buddy opened a bar there your buddy opened a bar in maui yeah and he said um i opened a bar this is a true story and i go can i get a job and he goes what do you mean i go i don't know

can i what do you can i bartend what if he was like yeah the house mc i don't want to fucking be the house mc man just have a microphone and start talking to people. Where are you from, Bob? That sounds horrible. That went from really paradisic. Is that a word? Yeah. To like, yeah, I don't want to be a fucking, I don't want a microphone. It would be nice to like bartend and be like, yeah, rum and coke, get a couple of my tides over here.

Just be like cocktail. You know what I mean? They can give you a sweet apartment above the bar and you just wake up with a pounding headache every day because you're just drinking yourself to death in paradise. Yeah, fuck yeah. Sign me up, dude. You hear the sound of the water crashing into the bottom of the building. Hit some waves.

There's like stone pylons that hold this bar up and it's just elevated over, partially elevated over the water. Eat some lychee off the tree, fresh lychee. It's really a contradiction. It's a conundrum because you're in paradise. It's the most beautiful place on earth. It's peaceful. You're relaxed.

You've given away all your personal belongings. You're a pure minimalist now. What do you have? You have a few pairs of shorts, some flip-flops, and a microphone in case the microphone downstairs breaks because that's what you do now. You go down and talk to people. You go down tonight. Nick, do you do stand-up anymore?

Well, I kind of do stand-up. I mean, I have a mic, but they never know when I'm coming. I have a mic, so yeah, it's kind of whenever I want to do it immediately. You're telling me you wouldn't go to a bar if you knew that every night Joey Diaz was going to take a microphone

and just start walking through the crowd and talking shit? 100% I would do that. A hundred percent. Yeah, but that's Joey Diaz. Like, I wouldn't be good at that. You wouldn't be now, but you got to get better. Okay. Got to get better at being a bar guy.

Bar MC? House MC. It's a skill, man, like anything else. Like playing golf, like jerking off. You get better at it. Right. Doesn't make sense. It doesn't, but I think it does no maybe you could

just be like you turn into a singer everybody's like nick you should really tell jokes again no man i'm just jimmy buffett songs but i make them in my tone i'm in my voice though so i'm like diarrhea and have everybody clap yeah you could have funny songs. Yeah. Yeah, that's the move. All right, I'm on board. I got to go to dinner, Joe. Where are you going?

I'm going to some fun fucking- Do you have to leave right now? Vegan place, pretty soon, yeah. You're going to a vegan place? Dude, you're healthy and up. What are you doing? I know, I'm trying to just kind of get back into shape. Yeah?

So I'm getting back into the gym. And I've been pretty good with my diet. I'm getting kind of fascinated by diet. So I've been off dairy for eight years. Whoa. And then I've been pretty much cutting out sugar. I have like dark chocolate if I really like start craving shit. Wow. But I'm trying to like really get my body.

I'm like really fascinated by diet. It's my new fascination. Well you find the difference, right? You eat healthy and you feel it. I found the difference. When I quit eating dairy and it was some random dude at a juice bar who worked there and I was always sick and he was like, hey man, you're always sick, Swartzen. And I go, yeah. And he was like, do you eat a lot of dairy?

And I go, yeah. And he goes, do this. He goes, quit eating dairy for two weeks. See how you feel. He's like, cold turkey. And I go, okay, fuck it. So I did. And I haven't been back in eight years. Wow. My sleep, everything. dairy for two weeks see how you feel he's like cold turkey and i go okay fuck it so i did and i haven't been back in eight years wow my sleep everything my stomach never got sick never got

migraines it changed everything and then i got super fascinated by that i still drank my tits off you know what i mean have you ever tried raw milk no apparently some people um have an issue with homogenized and pasteurized milk, and they don't have it with raw milk. Or they don't have it with goat's milk, too. Especially raw goat's milk. I've heard about goat's milk. I just want to bypass all of it.

I do almond milk and rice milk. Yeah. Well, it's an ethical thing to bypass, too, if you really stop and think about it, because there's something fucking creepy about mass-produced handles yanking on titties. Yeah. And these cows that are like kind of perpetually pregnant. Like isn't that what they they're the cows like they're constantly nursing. Right. So they make them get knocked up in order to have the milk come out.

Right. The milk doesn't just come out. It comes out when they're they're nursing. It's a little weird. I don't know. It's weird. It's fucking weird. But I want to try to fuck with going vegan for a little bit and just see how it is.

How do you feel so far? How long have you been doing it? Two days. But I mean, for the most part, I don't really eat a lot of red meat. And I mean, I eat like chicken and fish, but I'm going to try to go vegan. I'm going to try to do it for like two weeks. You know, one way that you can get protein that's very ethical and um you don't even have to think about it too much is scallops and mussels and and things along those lines when when you eat um the fuck are they

called mollusks is that the word mollusk shellfish shellfish is what i'm looking for shellfish in particular like uh especially like clams and like... Oysters? Yeah, oysters and things along those lines. They're so primitive, they don't even have like nervous systems. We just think of them as like an animal, like a living creature because they can move. Right. They can close this.

But a Venus flytrap is probably way more sophisticated, and it's a plant, way more sophisticated in organism than that. And then, especially when you're talking about those acacia trees, they'll have this communication system. There's nothing going on like that with mollusks. They're, like, really stupid. They're super ancient life forms that are kind of meat, but they're almost like what we're talking about, like that fucking gelatinous thing inside of the box. That's what they're like. You can eat it?

Yeah. Scallops are amazing. I mean, I've had scall's what they're like. You can eat it? Yeah. Scallops are amazing. I mean, I've had scallops. They're amazing. Is a mollusk a scallop? Yes. A scallop is a mollusk. Like a clam's a mollusk.

A mussel's a mollusk. Oh, that's a genre of a thing. Meanwhile, I'm an expert. Five minutes ago, I couldn't even remember the name of it. I just forgot. Yeah, scallops are amazing. But those things are like a good way. Oysters, they're a good way to get protein. A lot of them are sustainable. A lot of thoseops are amazing. But those things are like a good way. Oysters, they're a good way to get protein.

A lot of them are sustainable. A lot of those things are sustainable because they actually make like farms of them. They grow them on the ground. The same way you would grow fruit. They grow them on the ground of an ocean, obviously. But the same way you would grow fruit or grow vegetables. Like you can grow these things. And they're a good source of quote unquote animal protein in an ethical way

like these things are so primitive they have like they're they're they're not feeling shit like they're not getting bummed out that you're eating right they just clamp down and close they're like super duper they high in protein yeah very high in protein really good for you um oysters are a good way to especially oysters in olive oil it's a good way to stay in a fat-based diet like ketogenic diet because there's so much fat in them for the olive oil. It's a good way to stay in a fat-based diet, like ketogenic diet, because there's so much fat in them. For the olive oil and then the oysters themselves, very, very healthy for you. Wow. Yeah, really good for your body.

I got sick from oysters. I had too many one time. Oh, raw oysters are a different story, you know. Raw oysters, you really got to get fresh stuff. What are you talking about? I'm talking about cooked, smoked oysters you get in, like, cans. Oh. Like, I take them with me on the road. I'll buy them in bulk, and I i take them with me on the road i'll tell you i'll buy them in bulk and i'll take them with me on the road so i have

healthy snacks like in my hotel room canned oysters yeah yeah isn't canned shit bad for you no no i'm sure like there's some leeching of all sorts of different things when you put something into a container i wouldn't i wouldn't say you should eat it every day. Because I used to eat sardines every day, but I turned positive for arsenic. They found traces of arsenic in my system. That's deadly. It is. But apparently it's just one of the heavy metals that is at the bottom of the ocean.

It's affected by pollution. The levels of it are affected by pollution. And so these sardines in particular, they're kind of bottom feeders. And if you're in a polluted area and you get sardines from a polluted area, they'll have heavy metals in them. You know, like mercury's a big one. You always hear that, right? Yeah. So I got off the sardines for a while and went back and got tested. It was a hundred percent clean. They're like, it's gotta be the sardines. I said, totally makes sense. Can't eat them every day, bro.

I was eating like three or four cans a day. Oh, my God. Jesus. Yeah, three or four cans of anything. Isn't that high in sodium, too? Sodium's okay. Just drink, as long as you drink water. Sodium's fine.

Like, the idea, like, there's a total misconception about sodium causing high blood pressure and heart attacks that was all based on a bullshit study that somebody pushed through. What was that study? Like, sodium does not cause high blood pressure. Google that. Because there was, like, this whole bogus study that people keep repeating over and over again about salt.

Obviously, if you have too much of anything, it can kill you, right? Like, we talked about water. Right. Too much water will fuck you up. Too much salt will definitely kill you. Too many Starbursts. Like, if you drink a pound of salt. You're a fucking dead man. You're a dead man, right? You need a pound of meat It's time to end the war on salt the zealous drive by politicians to limit our salt intake as little basis in science Yeah, it's bullshit. Not only that it's an essential mineral like you need salt

Yeah, salt is a really important. You don't want to have too much of it absolutely that meaning like you don't want to cover everything in salt Just like you don't want to drink too much water Just like you don't want to eat too much fruit like if you eat too many oranges It's not good you get a hundred oranges is not good for yeah, it's horrible so much sugar so much sugar Yeah, but to have a good healthy amount of salt in your diet, especially like Himalayan salt. It's really good for you. That's really good. That shit's ancient.

These things are like Himalayan salt. That salt crystal thing. This thing? That little lamp. That salt lamp. What if you ate that? See that one over there? That's lit.

What if you ate that? Probably be super good for you. Make your dick hard as a rock. That thing's supposed to like emit energy man Feels like it Jamie remind me to replace the battery in that one or whatever the fuck it needs. Yeah, isn't you a new bulb? Don't it's It burned me. Yeah, don't fuck with it. Did it no dude? Let me throw it out. Is it plugs didn't plugged in anymore I think I unplugged it. I hope you did. Throw it off a bridge. Jesus Christ, it doesn't work.

You just keep it plugged in while it's just in there cooking. I cut back on it. Start smoking. Yeah, but I've been good with diet. I'm really fascinated by it. So you got somebody doing this for you? You talking to a nutritionist? I'm just kind of reading shit and just going by.

As long as you make sure that you get what you really should do, really should do. And I can send you to a guy. Go to a real good doctor that specializes in nutritional profiles and get your blood work done. And let them find out. Like, maybe you need niacin. You need vitamin D. You need vitamin B. Like, here, you're low in this.

You're low in that. There's a lot of stuff that people neglect. And they don't even know. You don't know until you actually get your blood work done. You don't know what's low, what's okay. I do want to do that. I mean, I take a lot of vitamins and stuff. That's good.

I think I kind of like, I'm doing a decent job just going rogue. That was my last tattoo, by the way. Rogue. How drunk were you when you? I was actually pretty decent. I got it in Vegas Why'd you decide to write Rogue in your arm

And fancy me the script Cause me and my buddies When we go like When we're like partying And like my buddy Will text me like Hey you wanna go to the gym And I'm like

I'm going fucking rogue dude And that just means That's gonna I'm signing up for A bender You're a good You're a good partier though dude I'll tell you

I've run into you going rogue many times and it's never been anything but hugs and laughs oh yeah no i'm like a really good drunk like i know how to do it and i know i i'm not like people like see me like i post photos and shit i'm always you know out like raging and i'm not always raging but when i do it's like really controlled it's not no you're good... No, you're good at it. Yeah. You're good at it. I've built up a tolerance, and I know what I'm doing.

Like, I don't just do any shot that's handed to me and just, like, I don't know. I keep it very simple, but, yeah, I get really fired up. I just, I love drinking and going out. Yeah. I'm never, like, fighter guy, or I'm never'm never like moody yeah dark guy that's the worst the depressed cry guy no it's terrible jesus will you stop why are you crying yeah i love her it's like all right dude you broke up it happens yeah so good for you yeah i'll never quit drinking drinking's too fun man thank you I'm glad you said that.

Yeah, I don't... I mean, I'll take breaks, but... I like drinking. It's fun. It is. I just don't like the effects of it on the body. But that's the fucking trade-off. The trade-off is it's fun for a little while, and then you're like, oh.

I was in Italy. I drank wine every night. I was in Italy. I just got back. I drank wine seven nights in a row. I drank many glasses of wine. I ate pasta seven nights in a row. I totally went off the rails with my diet.

Gained five pounds. You have to. It's Italy. That's what I'm saying, dog. Yeah. There's certain shit. Yeah, you got to go off the rails. You got to enjoy yourself.

But it's fun to go off the rails and get back on the rails, and you appreciate being on the rails. I like the way you think. Yeah. But you're not a drunk that I'd ever avoid. There's certain people, we all know them. You see them drunk, and you're like, oh, no. I can't be responsible for this.

I got to get out of here. Yeah, no, it's scary. There's some comics where I'm like, oof, I gotta babysit this person? There's some dark motherfuckers, man. Dude, read this text. Can you believe she said that to me, bro? I'm like, oh my god, I can't do this. I can't do this.

I can't read your text. I can't help you with this. This is yours. Yeah, people go, bad rogue. She's got my kids, bro. Okay, okay. I got it. Hey hey look at the time you're not thinking rational you're drunk you partied into a family meanwhile in the middle of it like he's going through tinder i'm just fucking swiping thinking about her man you want

to take this fucking it's the worst i lost one of my best friends who's like one of my rogue fucking buddies and he my roommate uh was friends with his ex-girlfriend and they were watching a movie and i came home and i went to bed and said hi to him and then the next day he like flipped out on me and i and i texted him i go what's up man he's like my ex-girlfriend was at your fucking house and i go yeah he's watching a movie with my buddy. And he's like, what the fuck, man? It's like, you didn't tell me. Fuck you.

And then he never talked to me again. So you were supposed to tell him that his ex-girlfriend is dating your buddy? Yeah. It was so bizarre. And he was one of my best friends, and he won't talk to me. He got mad that you didn't tell him about it? Yeah. And it's been a year, and he won't talk to me anymore.

Whoa. Now, did he want you to't tell him about it? Yeah, and it's been a year, and he won't talk to me anymore. Whoa. Now, did he want you to stop it in some way? I don't know. I never found out. That doesn't make any sense. So I could understand, but if you told him, he would just get bummed out, right? Well, that's the thing. They were just watching a movie.

It wasn't like a—but they weren't dating. It was just really weird. Anyway, my point being is that— Listen, we watched a movie while you were around so you got out of the room there was a lot of sucking but it's like it's like bad rogue friend that just gets fucking me just you know I just can't do a drama like when I go out I don't want drama nobody does I think what we're talking about earlier how chimps have this horrific behavior,

I think there's some of that that's left over in people. And I think it comes out when you get involved in relationships and breakups. I think you see that angry chimp come out sometimes. Oh, yeah. Alcohol is one of those things, obviously. It affects people. Not just even alcohol. It's just jealousy, too, though.

Just jealousy as well. Yeah, but also jealousy fueled with alcohol just is a disaster. Look at people that are in jail right now because they got drunk and got jealous and pulled out a gun or pulled out a baseball bat and just went... And then add coke to that and you get confident. Drunk, jealous, confident,

crazed, righteous. I'll show her. Like you're living in some stupid two-dimensional movie like you don't even think about the consequences dude i can't even cocaine i can't even i can't even do i never got really into it i mean i definitely did it but i was never one of those guys that was just i mean i have friends still that go hard in the paint with that and they're like creeping into their 40s and they're still every weekend. Duncan has a great bit on Adderall and cocaine that I wish I could share with the audience. You'll have to go see him.

Duncan Trussell live in New York City. Love you, Duncan. Doing a lot of stand-up. He moved. He's happy there. I'm very upset. Does he like it? I was hoping he hated it.

He's living in Brooklyn. He's like the king of Brooklyn. I can see him liking Brooklyn. Yeah, they took him in. They gave him fresh hats. He's like, hey, guys. Hey! You guys are sweeties. Oh, my God. Yeah, they took him in. They gave him fresh hats. He's like, hey, guys. Hey, you guys are sweeties. Oh, my God.

This is awesome. This is amazing. He did a recent podcast, folks, with Aubrey Marcus. It's amazing. It's really good. His live podcasts are incredible. Really good. Really?

Yeah, he's got a fucking cult. Duncan's essentially running a cult. He would be the best cult leader. He has a house omer. He has a guy who's like the house ohm guy now the guy did ohm and did ohm so good and his name was like fucking bobby something like shalomanga some some fucking ancient ingest you know swami swami rick or something like that and this guy does uh an ohm in front of his live audience and it was so good he's like will you be

the house ohm guy hey really yeah that guy's a house home guy every time duncan does a show that guy's gonna do owns for him oh good lord he has a chant that he does we we've done it before like in audiences we started off a show with it once it didn't work it was a disaster it's a terrible idea we started off a show where we all got on stage and had the audience ohm and then duncan went and did stand up but they were so weirded out by the ohm they were like what the fuck are you guys doing so we did it a couple of times we did a couple times like breath bless the show i remember when i had my sketch twitch channel too duncan does a twitch stream every so often what is he doing here he is a lot this is was watching James Corden dancing in some way, but he

had a mask on and his girlfriend was holding a thing. Of course. It's pretty fun to watch. Yeah, he's out of his mind. Duncan wrote on my... He's got a vagina mask. Is that a vagina? Looks like a vagina. He's wearing a vagina mask. I had my show on Comedy Central Pretend Time, a sketch show, and it was really aggressive and weird. So I was

like, oh, Duncan, you gotta write on it. So I brought Duncan on to write, and every sketch he would hand in, I was always like, oh, Duncan, you've got to write on it. So I brought Duncan on to write. And every sketch he would hand in, I was always like, all right, what the fuck is this going to be? And it was always so insane. He's like, no, you're playing a pussy. And it shits out elves. And the elves like to juggle knives. And then they eat each other's asses.

I was just like, Duncan, I would have to like adjust every sketch or try to find what is arable out of it. But I mean, there were like obviously moments of brilliance, but sometimes I was like, dude, what in the fuck is this? What in the fuck indeed? Nick Swartzen, don't change. I won't. You're beautiful. Thank you. And you play a good game of fuck, indeed. Nick Swartzen, don't change. I won't. You're beautiful.

Thank you. And you play a good game of pool, sir. And your show is still available. People can see that. Typical Rick. Me and Dirt Nasty. It's the guy who directed Grandma's Boy. You're at the comedy store all the time.

Store in the improv, yeah. You're touring all the time. Getting ready for my new Netflix special coming out. Oh, shit. When are you doing that i don't know yet um i might be i was gonna be next spring but it might be sooner because the sets are coming together but yeah all my dates are posted on real nick swartz and instagram and nick swartz and twitter and website do you have a website or you just don't do that anymore the website's coming up i just we're developing it right now so it'll be up soon but uh i'll post on my social media and then i got a bunch of dates up until christmas so awesome yeah well if you haven't seen nick lives fucking

hilarious thanks dude and this was a lot of fun man yeah brother i've never done this in like six years i know it's fucking nuts we see each other all the time we did this we did a podcast six years ago well we did it. Let's do it more often. We'll do it more often. We're going to do the laser blast companion. I'm for sure down for that. That's going to happen. So we'll do that as soon as we set up the new studio,

which should be within the next month or so. All right. Thanks, everybody. See you tomorrow with Dorian Yates, former multiple-time Mr. Olympia motherfuckers. Mr. Olympian? Yeah, Dorian Yates, Mr. Olympian. time mr olympia motherfuckers mr olympian