The Joe Rogan Experience - #99 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 18, 2011

This episode is only available as audio. Joe sits down with Tom Segura.

The Joe Rogan Experience Ladies and gentlemen, before we even get started, our last podcast sucked. I want to be honest with you. Yeah, that was nerve-wracking. It sucked so much that after it was over, I was like, you know what? We might have lost a bunch of listeners. Because if I had just turned into this thing the first time, I'd be like, what is this nonsense fucking mishmash of dumb talk? This is what we did.

Our friend Daryl was supposed to be over the podcast. And Daryl's an interesting guy. He's a guy who went to jail for shooting a crackhead. And now he's out there on the grind as a stand-up comic. And he's an interesting guy. He's a guy who went to jail for shooting a crackhead and now he's out there on the grind as a stand-up comic and he's a young guy. Very funny guy. Very funny guy. And I like interviewing young guys that are coming up

and I just want to see what it's like. I mean, I enjoy the stories. I enjoy hearing about them out there trying to get something together. Daryl's a little bit self-defeating, but he's a good guy and he's funny. He's a very funny stand-up comic. And he brought over his friend.

And unfortunately, I don't think his friend had ever done a podcast before. His friend didn't know that he was going to do this one. And he went into performance on stage, get a laugh mode or something. Oh, really? Like running bits kind of thing? Well, he was like

in the beginning it was like trying to like like be like edgy and like angry at things that didn't make any sense like people asking him for money and get get on a bus it was like it was this weird thing we're like here's what kills me man he just was like it just did not work and brian and i were high as fuck and they were sober yeah and it was like this dumb talk and then trying to like smooth it off like hey hey everybody relax and you know it was like an inner monologue his inner monologue didn't work anything he normally thought of when people were talking he was like in the background going so i had to turn down his microphone half the time i don't think he understood how podcasts work and And people think when they do a podcast,

they think they have to get something in. It's like when you do, if I'm not heard, I'm not doing my part. I'm going to get my stuff in. I'm going to get my stuff in. I mean, how many times have you ever done radio with a comic and they're just like so like, it's such a fake conversation

because they're just trying to shove in their bits and pretend they just noticed things. And it's like, it's fucking kind of gross. That actually makes me shut down more too oh yeah then i just kind of sit there and they're like are you gonna talk i'm like not really no no this is already a disaster yeah and that i i almost felt like doing that on the last podcast and brian's a good guy i don't don't get me wrong he just he wasn't ready for it he didn't know he was gonna do it probably doesn't know the vibe of the podcast and you know just wanted, just wanted to do well, you know. And unfortunately, it was a clusterfuck.

First of all, four people on a podcast is tough action anyway. Yeah. You know, you have to have the fourth person has to be very good at not chiming in. Like, I listen to Opie and Anthony a lot. I love Opie and Anthony. But sometimes they'll have, like, five or six dudes in there, and it becomes a disaster. It becomes like comics stepping on comics and and talking in the middle of punch lines and inserting their own punch lines

into someone else's story that's when you pretty much have to just play with the microphones and go all right this person's talking this person you know that's what i had to do it was it well you had to do it too because he would talk like while other people were talking so well yeah it was real weird i cannot wait to listen to this. He's a good dude. How would you handle that? You would be like, hey man. I would be like, if I was talking,

try to talk right now. I was talking anyways. Brian's got the master switch right there, bro. I just had to. I was listening and I was getting fucking heart palpitations because it was too many people talking At the same time

I had to tell them you guys can't talk over each other It wasn't a good podcast And you know unfortunately It could have been really interesting If Daryl came by himself Because Daryl's stories about prison are fucking weird Daryl's stories about everything are weird That guy has some stories.

And it could have been real interesting. And I couldn't get him to get comfortable because his friend was sort of, it was just a, it was a big clusterfuck. So I apologize to anybody. And I, normally I'm very good at controlling who comes on. You know? I mean, we've taken a few chances before with young comics like Lil' Esther and, um. Allison.

And Allison. And they came it worked great. It was fine. You know, it's just, I just thought this kid's trying to be a comic too. You know, he's out there doing it. Like, fucking give him a shot. Give him a shot. Sit down.

Maybe he's cool. Maybe he's interesting. Yeah. Just didn't work out well. It's probably just nerves too, right? I mean, like, I could see someone being really nervous. Yeah, it was a bunch of shit. Yeah.

Wasn't prepared. He didn't think he was going to do it. And all of a sudden he's doing it, nerves. And maybe he's not the right kind of comic. Wasn't prepared. He didn't think he was going to do it and all of a sudden he's doing it in nerves and maybe he's not the right kind of comic for a podcast anyway. I mean, you know, there's a lot of dudes

who like, first of all, you wouldn't want to see behind the curtain. You don't want to see like Stephen Wright. Would you want to see Stephen Wright sit down

and talk about things? No. It would ruin his whole act. Wouldn't it? Yeah. It would totally ruin his whole act because his whole act

is this weirdo who thinks he's strange things. Yeah. It's like when you see, if you talk gilbert godfrey offstage yeah and you're like what like he's the sweetest like oh really is he really oh that's funny because when he does stern he does he's gilbert god he's in he's in character yeah he never breaks character ever yeah backstage though he's just like that's very very sweet of you. Really? I'm looking forward to doing that. And you're like, whoa. Whoa, really?

It's like, so he is the fucking thing about cunts. And then you're like, what? It is 180 degrees away from that. Complete opposite. Yeah, when he gets up there, man, he's such a strange act. It's so bizarre. And it hasn't, like, he's never, I don't think he's ever dropped that, you know, facade, whatever. That character, yeah.

In front of anybody. I mean, I've seen him on television for what, 20 years or something? Yeah. More? Yeah. And then I did Caroline's one time and he was backstage and I was like, oh, I'm sorry. And he was like, oh, no, that's fine. Would you like something to drink?

And I was like, sure. And then I kept staring like, so. So you're normal? Yeah. And he was like, I think So you're normal? Yeah. And I think his wife was about to have, or his girlfriend was about to have a baby. And he was like, I'm sorry. Yeah, it's very weird. You know what's real weird, dude, is when you get comics like that and they become their act.

You know? Like that happened with Kinison. That happened with Dice. You know, a lot of people don't. We're going to try to get Dice in the podcast. I'm a big Dice fan. I know Dice. You know, a lot of people don't. We're going to try to get Dice on the podcast. I'm a big Dice fan. I know Dice from way back. But at one point in time, that Dice Man character was only a part of his act.

Right. His act was, you know, he was Andrew Silverstein. And he would go on stage and do all these characters. And then the Dice Man was one of his characters that he would do. I had no idea. He would do a John Travolta impression. He does a killer John Travolta impression. He does killer impressions. So anyway, he would do. I had no idea. He would do a John Travolta impression. He does a killer John Travolta impression. He does killer impressions.

So anyway, he would do this, and then he would do his Dice character, but the Dice character got crushing laughs. And so he just dropped everything else, fucked everything off, put everything else to the side, and just went straight Dice Man. And then he sort of became that guy. Then when you see him, he always wearing like this crazy leather jacket with like studs in it and fucking weight lifting gloves i mean he is that guy now and talks like yeah fuck that shit no he gave me good advice man he was the first guy you should do the road you should do the road

i go okay thank you yeah because you're a good act you should outbid they're doing the road i go okay thank you yes yeah because you're a good act you should outbid they're doing the road you sell five t-shirts each one yeah this is what he tells me we were hanging out uh at the improv this is hilarious he goes yeah i sell t-shirts now you know what i do i auction them i make them i make them auction at the end he goes and I have them up there. I might have 10 shirts. That's it. Oh, 2,000 people? Sorry, 10 shirts. How much do you want to give me for it? We got an auction.

Yeah, he goes, I sell shirts, 1,000, 1,500 for a fucking shirt. I love it. He loves it. He's laughing. That's crazy. He was doing shows where he would charge at least $100 a ticket. Yeah, I heard about this. At a comedy club.

Yeah. And sell them out. And he's like, I don't want to do no big fucking room. He goes, I do like this. I make my money. That's awesome. $100 a ticket. To go to a club to see.

That's amazing. It's worth it. I would go. Yeah. If I had the cash. Yeah. If I had the cash and it was a hot date, you know, taking some check out, I'm going to pay a hundred bucks for dice tickets.

Dice and a great time. Yeah. Yeah. He did it. The punchline Atlanta. I know he did it a few other places too. That is. Yeah.

Yeah. What's his name? Also did that with the, uh, the act though, right? The persona was Larry. Cause he was Dan Whitney. Oh, Larry, the cable guy. He would just do phone-ins. Right.

That was just a phone-in thing. And's it he became his act and then he started like five stations were like call in every week as this cable guy thing and he was like all right he'd do ah here's the fucking thing about when he doesn't curse right right here's the thing about that yeah and then in gator done and all that shit and then they're like keep keep calling in with that every week and it just build build build and he was like i'm just gonna go on stage like that and then uh i think foxworthy took him to be his opening act really yeah jeff foxworthy was like you can be my opening act and then everybody at that show was like we want more of that guy with the sleeveless shirt we want to see him that's funny man you know he by the way we haven't even mentioned this is tom segura talking

we just started talking. Everyone's like, who is this? You've got to check your iPod. Who is this guy talking? It's family. Yeah, he became that guy. His name's Dan Whitney, right? Yeah, from Oklahoma.

And he came, I mean, you can go on YouTube and look up Dan Whitney. And he's wearing white sneakers and khakis and a blue button-down shirt. Yeah. Doing his regular stand-up act from the— Evening at the Improv, it looks like. Yeah, 80s and early 90s. Yeah. And you're like, what?

That's Larry the Cable Guy? That's so weird. He does arenas, dude. He does football arenas. Massive. I mean, you think Dice is crazy for charging $100 a ticket. I don't know what they charge those arenas, but it's probably close to that. 60 Minutes did a piece

on Larry the Cable Guy a couple years ago, and his manager was like, look, he will not breathe on a microphone for less than a quarter million dollars. What? That's the opening bid for Larry to show up and be like, get the fuck... And then your mama and your

cousin. He won't do Sal's? He won't do Sal's? He won't do Sal's? He won't do Sal's comedy house? He's not going to be at Sal's. Ron White would do Sal's. Yeah, I hung out with that guy. Ron White would do Sal's. Everyone says that, I mean, I don't know him,

but everyone says that Larry or Dan or whatever is super nice. So, you know, I don't know what he does. I bet he is. But money-wise, that dude is killing it, man. Quarter million. Quarter million every time he tells a joke. That's incredible. It's amazing what that redneck comedy, how popular it is.

What's the other guy that does it? Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy, right? Yeah, or the comedy store guy that got the Dodge commercials. John Reap. Yeah, just from doing those commercials for whatever, he's been selling out. Just because of a Chevy commercial. Yeah, no, it's Hemi. The Hemi commercials.

Yeah, the thing that got a Hemi in it, right? Yeah, yeah. He does really well in a lot of markets. John Reap does. He'll sell tickets. Yeah, he seems like a guy who's not marketed correctly. It seems like there's so much potential in that. Why doesn't that guy have some big Comedy Central special?

He does have a special. Yeah, when's it coming out? I think it already did. How come that didn't get huge? That should be huge. That's more the question. I think that that guy should be more of a well-known name. Yeah. He's been around a long time now.

It's weird when you see these Larry the Cable guy type guys, and not meaning to focus entirely on him, but he's playing a poor guy. He's playing a poor guy. Right. You know? Right.

He's playing a guy who's like, oh, I'm just simple. Yeah, it's not even every man. It's below every man. Yeah, he's playing a poor man who doesn't even have sleeves. Right. You know? I can't even buy a full shirt, man. Yeah, he's wearing a shirt that has its sleeves cut off.

And his armpit hair is just flowing out. I'm assuming that one ripped, and then he said, well, I'll just cut them off, blow them up right here. I don't care. I'm an easygoing guy. Meanwhile, he won't even tell a joke for less than a quarter of a million dollars. Yeah. It's weird, man.

Numbers like this, this is where people get into that weird socialism argument. I had a discussion online, and I had to just walk away from the computer because it was a ridiculous discussion where this guy was like, no one should make an exorbitant amount of money, ever. No matter what you do, you should never be able to make an exorbitant amount of money because that's where greed comes from. That's stupid. His idea was that there should be a threshold threshold and you couldn't go over that threshold.

So everything you did was virtuous. If you did art, you did it for the sake of art. If you did work, it was because it's your chosen profession. That's what you love to do. And you don't make any more than a certain amount. Because when people get too much money and too much power, it becomes out of control and it starts to be unfair. And that's why people look like this Larry the Cable Guy thing, and you go, wow, this guy is doing,

he's got to be making more than a quarter million dollars when he does a football arena. Oh, yeah. I bet he's making like a half a million, probably. Oh, I think you're right, yeah. I mean, he does football stadiums, like 50,000 people, man. Yeah. So for some people that are out there clawing and scratching,

they see something like that, and they go, that's not fair. That's too much in one direction. It moved too much in that direction. That's the argument for socialism. Yeah, I see that guy's point to a degree, but it's a very generalized statement. It's also a very idealistic way of viewing things. You can also argue that having a lot of money gives you the freedom to do other things that you want to do and open new doors and

opportunities and provide opportunities for other people yeah well you have a lot of trickle down economics sure i mean you can i mean you can fund other things you can you know you're a guy with a lot of money you can i'm really interested in you know it could be something from the arts it could be from the environment it could be science i want to fund this and you are doing that because you've accumulated so much wealth right like pete johansson was on here once and his argument was that when people get too much money that what happens is it breeds like a class of elitists it breeds a class that like he didn't even believe in inheritance money he's like you wouldn't you shouldn't be able to get all your like if your grandparents die and they leave you 10 million bucks, you don't get that.

He didn't think you should get that. That's crazy. Yeah, well, he's crazy. But it's that same attitude that looks at people that are doing well and go, well, this system's fucked up. I do think there's something to be said. I do think there's something to be said about inheriting extraordinary wealth. Really? I do think, I mean, I'm not saying there should be a rule, a law about it. wealth really i do think i mean i'm not saying there should be a rule a law about it but i do think if you're if you inherit and i'm saying like you inherit 50 100 million like these right

these really extraordinary amounts of money that that can definitely and probably almost always will have an effect of like you may not go after the thing that really inspires you your passion and you might not ever get a sense of accomplishment. Because really, the real world and your dreams and stuff are scary in a lot of ways, and going after them can be a scary thing. If you have the comfort of like, dude, I have $200 million that my grandfather, who started gum or whatever, fucking left me, then you can buy a great house you can take great trips you can live on your yacht and you can just be like dude life is awesome and that's great but what would your life what would your life have been you know if you had a time machine and there was a guy that you really hated but he was super successful the best thing you could ever do to him

and have a clear conscience is to make him win the lottery when he was 21 yeah yeah yeah sorry he just won the lottery he's like yeah man Yeah, sorry. He just won the lottery. He's like, yeah, man, I'm a winner. I just won the lottery. You just lost at life because you won the lottery. Totally. That's a true, that really would, if I look back, I played the lottery a bunch of times

when I was a kid. If I had hit it and I had actually won a couple million bucks or something, I would have been a loser for sure. Yeah. I would have missed the whole purpose of the whole thing. I think so. I think I would have totally been a for sure. Yeah. I would have missed the whole purpose of the whole thing. I think so. I think I would have totally been a total disaster if I'm 21.

Yeah. Yeah, I almost have a, actually, I know I have more, like, sympathy for a lot of these athletes that turn, like, they get drafted, and they're basketball, football players, and they blow it. It's like, they don't know what the fuck is going on, man. They turn 20, and they got, here here's a 38 million dollar contract or whatever for you yeah and then you hear like they blew it it's like well that dude has never had more than a hundred dollars in his pocket before he has no idea how to manage money he has no idea what to do

with money like he's just like everybody can have money i got so much money like this but at least his money came from something that he did yeah yeah but they just don't i mean i feel like a lot of those athletes have no control. Yeah, they don't. No. And not only that, you're living off your body, which breaks. Which breaks, yeah. It breaks all the time.

You're running and bouncing around on shit, falling down. And you can get hurt, man. They just showed this. You ever watch Real Sports on HBO? Sure, yeah. It's really well done. Yeah, it's great. And they had this profile on these football players.

Oh my God. Some of them were in the league like 13 years and they're bankrupt. Like no money. All gone. And the profile was financial? I mean,

one of the guys was like a defensive tackle for I don't know how many teams. Had multiple million dollar contracts. We know the other issue is those guys

are getting concussions all the time. That shit is terrible for your ability to think, your ability to make rational decisions and concussions. They just did this one thing on Real Sports where they were talking about Lou Gehrig's disease. Apparently, Lou Gehrig had been knocked out like a gang of times. Lou Gehrig's disease, you say,

well, it's just some weird disease that this poor guy got. He's a baseball player and they loved him, so they named it after him. No, he didn't just get it. He got it from playing sports. He got it from getting hit with pitches and colliding with people, sliding into bases and getting knocked unconscious. He got knocked unconscious like a gang at times. And he would just go right back into the game. And that's where Lou Gehrick's disease come from you're you're when you have any sort of uh when you have like some severe brain trauma well you know your brain rattles around you get knocked unconscious apparently it you know what it does is it produces like whatever the fuck it does it eventually leads to a deterioration to the point

where your your whole body like shakes and you don't have control of things and your body just stops functioning right. It just breaks down, which would happen in Lou Gehrig. That's actually what Stephen Hawking says. Really? Yeah, Stephen Hawking. Yeah, he has Lou Gehrig's disease. But can it be hereditary?

Yeah, it could, but they don't know. I mean, he actually was a boxer when he was younger, too. There's a lot of shots you take. Or did he play soccer? One of those. Soccer is actually very bad. I think he was a boxer. He might have been a boxer when he was younger, too. There's a lot of shots you take. Or did he play soccer? One of those. Soccer is actually very bad. I think he was a boxer if I remember. He might have been a boxer.

But it could have been from that, and it could have also been from soccer. Yeah, people forget. They don't think of soccer. You can get crushed in soccer. They run into each other a lot. They kick each other in the head sometimes. Yeah. That ball, the impact over and over again of using your head on the ball.

It seems like nothing because it's just a ball, but apparently over time, they're practicing that all the time, and your head's a fucking weapon. You're taking shots, man. You're getting tagged. I think in Lou Gehrig's era, there was no batting helmets either. You had this leather stupid hat you would wear. Stupid fucking hat. It's just like 90 miles an hour

every ball had a rock in the center of it tied around with a rope you know it's incredible yeah i mean whatever those fucking baseballs made out of it's a ball of of string what do you think of that nfl argument they said at like when when this stuff when they really profiled it this year a lot you know all the the people were leading with the crown it's called right at the top of your head right and so people are like that is like a fucking missile

yeah it's a guy who runs like a 4'3 who weighs like 225 going and then just launching it into you so they're like what can we do what can we do and a bunch of people were like

why don't we go back to like 1940s style no face mask no face mask that way you will have the incentive is there like you're the fear of like that's how they played right they played for years with no face mask so you're not gonna risk your face you're gonna tackle the way you're supposed to tackle right and not ruin your entire face it's football's a tricky thing man because you can't un-brutalitize it. You know what I mean?

I mean, it's a brutal fucking game. These guys are huge. They're the biggest, scariest athletes in the world, and they're running full clip at each other and smashing into each other. That's inherently violent. Yeah, that's true. It's like, what are you going to do? Are you going to make it slightly less violent by them not having a face cage?

I've heard the argument, too, that they should be playing without helmets, like rugby players. Rug rugby is apparently less dangerous but the problem with that is once you already start playing with helmets on there's a style of play totally there's there's tactics you're not just going to change the way you play like boxers found that out when they first started fighting in mma it's it's harder to fight bare knuckle it's trickier because when you're boxing if you have those padded gloves on you can fuck up and hit the guy on the top of the head and it doesn't matter it's not gonna hurt your hands but a good punch to the top of the head might break your hand

it's very possible to break your hand yeah when you're punching a guy with bare knuckles you want to make sure you're getting his face you want you want the soft tissue around the face and jaw that's in your eye his eyes his nose his nose, his jaw, his face. You don't want to be hitting him up here. You're going to break things. And so they had to adjust their style. Guys had to realize that you can't have your hands up the same way either because there's no padding there.

You can't just block punches like that. You have to really cover up. And you can't play rope-a-dope like Ali style. You've got to get out of there you take too much damage with those little gloves on yeah so they would have there would have to be some sort of adjustment period but it wouldn't be football anymore yeah that's true they take those helmets off a lot of those boxers though they thought they really thought that they had it right they were like well i'll just go in the mma style man he's got got no hands

i'm going in and showing some hands you don't get a chance to show hands. Guys who've never grappled literally have no idea how helpless they are. And the helpless feeling they get is so disheartening because they're so fucking helpless that they don't want to roll. That's what happens with a lot of strikers. A lot of strikers, they get into the game as they come in. I'm a fucking four-time Muay Thai champion looking to fuck some people up in MMA. And they're like, you're a bad motherfucker. Come on in. Take our wrestling class.

Boom. Over and over again. Boom. There's no way he can stay off of his back. This guy just gets launched through the air. Every time a wrestler wants to, he gets a single, turns the corner, bang, he's on his back. He cannot stop it. And then he goes into jiu-jitsu class.

What happens there? Strangulation. Over and over again, he's getting manhandled guys are like taking breaks with their knee on the belly relaxing because they have him pinned down and he bucks and kicks and moves and then just take his back choke him they tap him four or five six times it's humiliating and that's not who he is who he is is a bad motherfucker right so there's like a there's a graveyard full of fighters that never learned how to get over their ego and learn how to grapple yeah the whole shitload of them they just decided

they're just gonna sprawl i'm just gonna develop a good sprawl and i'm never gonna really learn jujitsu and they they just never they never could deal with getting tapped out sure you know so all these guys man you know it's the whole idea of fighting in and of itself, the idea of, you know, going in there and fucking taking over another man with your body. You know, it's going to become a point in time with that, just like football. It's going to be too brutal for where we are now. Yeah. You know what I mean? The more we find out, too.

Yeah. Like, the more we discover, like, no, this is directly correlated to that. Yes, yeah. Eventually. I mean, right now, they're both great. But a thousand years from now, or whenever the next level of humanity is, we're clearly, human beings are evolving. I mean, there was an article that I had read just yesterday, I believe it was.

And it's all about human, our DNA is mutating as we speak and we're developing 12 strands of DNA. You know, there's all sorts of fucking crazy evidence that's going on right now. There's like some child that was born with an extra strand of DNA and it's a terrible birth defect.

The poor kid's all fucked up. But, you know, the idea of evolution and the idea of mutations is that sometimes a mutation is good and it sticks. And then, you know, and then things move forward. And that's literally how things have gone from being simple organisms to being complex organisms like us. Well, as we get more and more complex, man, we're going to, there's a lot of shit that we like right now that we're going to abandon. You know, and football and MMA and, and MMA and race car driving and shit. We're going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck are you doing? So people, there's that argument now. I've heard people that are upset about MMA. And I've read criticisms about me online because I'm involved in this. Oh, sure. But I think in this world that we're living right now, in this life, in this existence, it's okay. This existence, this is what it is. The whole thing is chaos.

Would it be different, man, if we didn't have MMA, if we didn't have football? Does it make society more aggressive and more violent? I don't necessarily think so. If anything, the way we are right now so close to monkeys I think it's a release for us I think it helps us get it out of our system

without going to war I mean if you look at if you look at like human history like just 10,000 years ago is a tiny blink of an eye but 10,000 years ago

there was nothing but barbarians yeah there was nothing but savages there was nothing I mean there was we were basically cavemen that's just a blink of an eye yeah and throughout history all the braveheart years and all that there's just war man the roman empire the greek empire the the fucking cretes the the the persians there was so

much war going on man it was constant war yeah and you know now for the most part things are pretty civil except weird things that we do in other countries where the wars are going on where we ship people over there to fight them. But in our society, things are way safer, way calmer than they've ever been before. Yeah, we're pretty civil, sophisticated, especially considering that time gap that you're talking about. We have a brutal, brutal history, I'm saying, as just human beings to each other. Like, dude, like the way that, just the way that fighting was done, war, even 150 years ago. I mean, you're talking fucking jabbing bayonets and the people gutting them open. Like, it's just a brutal way of, like, that's not compassion for the person you're fighting.

You know what I mean? Like, now it's all about kill shot, kill shot, kill shot. and the person you're fighting. You know what I mean? Like, now it's all about kill shot, kill shot, kill shot. There was a, someone tweeted me something about the end of the Civil War was recently. And the guy said that 2% of the population died. Wow. Wow.

2%? Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah, that's amazing. Stop and think about that. That's fucking nuts, man. Yeah. And the way they died is just so awful.

I mean, most of those guys... Gut shots. Died in a field. Slowly bleed out. Yeah. Horrible fucking infections are taking place, and you're not dying. It's just like... I watched this Anthony Bourdain special.

And not special, his show, No Reservation. It's one of my favorite shows I love that show and one of them he was in Arkansas and they were talking about how many murders happened after

the Civil War was over because people would say you know they would recognize oh there's a motherfucker that killed my brother because like the north

and the south are like right next door it's like it's fucking you know you drive a hundred miles there's where the enemy lives you know and so these people were's fucking, you know, you drive 100 miles, there's where the enemy lives. You know?

And so these people were like settling scores, you know, like for years and years afterwards. Oh, I never thought about that. Yeah. And they're still like severely bitter about it. Because you would know, like, my brother died in like Greenville, South Carolina or whatever. And at that time, they're like, there's 500 people or whatever. Right. You know, like, you just ask questions.

Yeah, no shit. You know Tony? And they're like, oh, yeah, he was over there. I'll go handle that shit right now. there's 500 people or whatever. You just ask questions. Yeah, no shit. You know Tony? And they're like, oh, yeah, he's over there. I'll go handle that shit right now. What a fucking weird war when you have no war. That's like North Korea versus South Korea. I mean, that's a fucking crazy place right now, man.

They're looking at each other across this divide, and they hate each other, and they look exactly the same. Yeah, same people. Yeah. And they hate each other, and they look exactly the same. Yeah. Same people. Yeah. I mean, it's nuts. And one of them's run by a complete, total fucking psychopath. Total maniac, man. How great was that Team America?

Oh, it's the best, man. They did it. They did Kim Jong-il, a little fucking. You're breaking my balls. You're breaking my balls, man. You're breaking my balls. His fucking giant glasses. Hans. That was the guy. Hans, why are you breaking my balls, man. You're breaking my balls. His fucking giant glasses. Hans, that was the guy. Hans, why are you breaking my balls?

Why are you breaking my balls? Can you imagine, man, just shitty roll of the dice, you're born in North Korea. Oh, it's the worst. I think about that shitty roll of the dice all the time. Do you? Oh, my God. Think about even living in, being born in Botswana, right? Botswana, one in four people,

excuse me, one in five, one in five, 20% of the population is HIV positive. Whoa. That's insane. And you just, you did nothing, but just you were born there and that's your... You know what I've heard though, in relationship to AIDS in Africa,

you know, there are all these statistics about how many people get AIDS in Africa, that a lot of it is not even tested. It's just their T-cells hit a certain—they don't even test for HIV antibodies because those tests are very expensive, and that a lot of what they call AIDS is just people that are incredibly malnourished and sick. Oh, really? Yeah, and the argument was, it was an article online, that if people are going to call it AIDS and connect it to HIV, that there needs to be more stringent testing.

Because otherwise you're confusing people as to why this one area where just coincidentally has an incredibly low nutrition rate. It means people are malnourished and sick and all sorts of other diseases and pathogens. Fly poop. Fly poop. All kinds of shit that fucks with you over there. And a lot of people are really sick. I mean, it's a super unhealthy place to be. Oh, my God, yeah.

Yeah, it's malaria. Everybody, you know. Fucking malaria. Malaria is a huge problem. God, George Clooney. How about that? Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

We almost lost him. We almost lost George? Well, if you get, like, Lyme disease, that shit stays with you forever. Forever, man. You're never cured. You're never cured, right? And I don't think there's a vaccine. Is there a vaccine for Lyme disease?

I don't think so. I think you get it, you're fucked. It's just one of those things, man. And malaria, he must have had his malaria shot, right? Everybody gets a malaria shot before they go. You have to get a bunch of them. You can't just get one. That's crazy.

You have to get a few. Yeah. Dave Foley was on the podcast, and we had a story about Dave. He didn't even remember it because that poor fuck, when he was getting divorced, he was married to this crazy broad who decided to take her kids all over the world to try to torture him. So when he was working, he would have to call Bangladesh, and she was there. And then he'd have to fucking fly to Egypt, and she was there. He'd have to fly all over the world to meet his kids.

Oh, my God. Yeah, and so he had to take malaria medication. Well, you're not supposed to Egypt. And she was there. He'd have to fly all over the world to meet his kids. Oh, my God. Yeah, and so he had to take malaria medication. Well, you're not supposed to drink when you take malaria medication. And he took malaria medication. It affects different people in different ways. And he went fucking loco. Really? Dave Foley, nicest, calmest, sanest guy ever.

Like, super sweet. I had to keep him from attacking a producer. Like, physically attack him. I had to hold him from attacking a producer, like physically attack him. I had to hold him in place because he was going to attack somebody. And I was thinking while I was doing it, man, of all the fucking people, I thought I'd be stopping from hurting somebody.

I was thinking if Dave wanted to hurt somebody, I'd have his back. I'd be jumping in too. There's somebody who got Dave so mad that Dave wants to assault him. Boy, that guy has to be a real piece of shit. He was just whacked on a malaria medicine. And you didn't know it at the time?

Oh, I knew, yeah. Oh, you did know. Okay. Yeah, I knew there was something really wrong. He was just acting completely crazy. He took this reporter's microphone. The reporter asked him for a quote about news radio, and he grabbed his little tape recorder and stuffed it into his drink.

Just shoved it into his drink. He goes, there's your fucking quote. Wow he was dave fully gangsta he didn't even he has no recollection of this he might as well been under a witch's spell i mean so great because he didn't have any idea what was happening yeah that stuff fucking whacks you out man because i think the way i don't know what the way malaria vaccinations go, but with most vaccinations, you know, you have to, you're getting a little bit of the inner, you know, disease. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. I mean, if you get vaccinated for smallpox, I mean, isn't that how it works? When you get vaccinated for the flu? I know that's how it works, right? Oh, all vaccinations. Yeah. You're taking like a strand of that. Is that always the case for vaccinations? I believe so for vaccinations.

That's the only way that you're, it's tricking your into developing an immunity yeah i think so yeah that's why like when they would when they would do the big thing uh you know what is it like 70 80 years ago was polio right right and they would give people inadvertently polio when giving them the vaccination sometimes yeah sure what percentage oh very small but it would happen and you were taking that risk and i guess you you do take that risk with every vaccination really no i don't think i think so i think that's why they're filled with mercury and all sorts of other really because i remember when that h1n1 vaccination was out some people get sick from the well they were just like this hey by the way like right before you get it like this isn't 100 you know i mean it's up to you you want to make sure you well no vaccination. No vaccination, I think, is 100%.

But also what it does is it weakens your immune system a bit because it makes your immune system fight things off. And then you're vulnerable to other things that aren't protected by that vaccination. That's also possible. The human immune system is pretty fucking badass when you think about it. But what's really weird is that you don't think about what these colds really are. It's like there's wars going on. When you're sick, like, oh, I'm down with the flu, you're dying.

You're in a battle to stay alive right now because you're losing your health. And that sniffles and coughing, it seems like no big deal because you've been there before and you're going to be fine. But the reality is it's a fight. Your organism is having a fight against a team. The team is trying to take your body down. It's really kind of creepy when you think about it, man. Do you know that there's all these strands of colds,

and you only get one of those strands, each strand, one time? Really? When you get a cold, and you get a cold the next year, you're getting a different strand of that cold. Oh, wow. That's weird. So you defeat a cold, and you won't get that cold again. But there's hundreds of strands of the cold.

And that's why there's no, like... That's why the common cold, like... There is no... Yeah, there's hundreds of strands of that. But it's always, you know, that your immune system is compromised in the first place, right? Like, if there's a hundred people that get exposed to the same thing, usually it's not a hundred of them that get it. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, and 100 of them won't get it.

It's fascinating, right? Yeah, it totally is. And I think it's fascinating like how we don't even, I don't know, I never question a lot of times what I'm taking to fight stuff, you know? Antibiotics? Oh, my God, antibiotics, any type of medicine. You've got to be real careful about antibiotics. You know, do you take the full, when you take them, do you take the full ride? Like if it says 10 days, you don't quit after five days do you no i mean i used to but now everybody used to

yeah i used to yeah that's the worst thing you could ever do man let's take the full thing not take it not take it yeah because that's when those super bacteria arise because just like we fight off immune system our immune system fights off colds yeah well bacteria are the same way they fight off anti you know um medication is trying to kill them so when you um when you um what is this the type of medication that you give you what was it like like z-packs yeah yeah when when you when you have those apparently they get used to it right so if like if you like for five days like if you take it for five days and then at the end of five days you're like yeah fuck these z-packs man i'm feeling pretty good i don't like those these things give me the creeps but when you put those aside the stuff that didn't die

becomes like supercharged oh and then if you try to hit it with the z-pack it's like bitch i don't think so oh wow yeah it survives it yeah so the idea of being two 10 days of antibiotics is that you know when you get through all those things like everything that shouldn't be there is dead yeah and including a lot of the good stuff good stuff yeah you kill like your um your endurance is terrible when you're on um antibiotics antibiotics really bad man i i took antibiotics because i had staff yeah and um i was the staff was gone it was only like some little prickly things on my legs. It wasn't a big issue. It was very small. But within two, three days, I would go to the gym, and I couldn't do shit.

I couldn't do shit. I was just exhausted. It was like I was drunk, like I was hungover. It just breaks your whole system down. It fucks you up. Yeah, and you have to take stuff. You have to take probiotics to counteract it. I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah. You're supposed to. They're supposed to tell you that you should take acidophilus. Really? Yeah, drink milk, eat yogurt, anything where you have milk culture, acidophilus, healthy bacteria. There's a bunch of different kinds of healthy bacteria. Dude, this is the first year in years where I got a cold

and I just let my body naturally beat it like over 10 days. Oh, really? Yeah, I've never done that that what do you usually do i go right to the doctor i'm like give me some pills like i hate i used i had such bad allergies as a kid like like especially as a teenager when we lived in florida and i would get like horrible sinus infections and it makes me it just it's so miserable not like it's more miserable than anybody else's but like i just feel so miserable that whenever I get some type of sinus thing going on, I'm like, I've got to cure this somehow.

But this year I just went through the whole process, and it was like, I'm getting worse, I'm getting worse, I feel like shit. And then you make the turn, and then you're like, I feel a little better today. And eventually, just by drinking tons of fluid and vitamin C or whatever and just taking care of myself sleeping. Ten days it took me to beat a cold. So for normal, a cold, you would go to a doctor for a cold? Oh, yeah.

If I have a sinus clogged and I'm like, there's any color at all in my mucus, dude, I call, hey, can you see me right now? Can I come in right now? Wow, you sound like a pussy. Yeah, I am. I am. I am. I'm a big old pussy.

I don't hate that shit. I was always told if you have color in it, that's it. Yeah, it's an infection. So I'd see a little bit of color, and I'm like, I'm gone. I'm taking care of this. Do you take vitamins? Never. Never?

Never. I should, right? Nah. Do you take a lot of vitamins? You take a lot of vitamins. lot of it you take yeah yeah yeah vitamins are good for you man you're not going to get enough for you unless you're super diligent about your diet you're not going to get what you need from your food you're just not it's going to make a big difference there's a shit called pepsi that i used to take a lot that's for what is it like for like heartburn stomach acid and stuff like that and recently for the last couple months, it's just been gone. And so there's this whole weird thing about it where Johnson & Johnson is saying that there was a couple packages during the manufacturing that were punctured by mistake.

And they had to do a mystery – or they had to pull all the packages. Jesus. Recall. Recall. But it's been months, people are like not buying it because you know if something happens and you like that it's pulled but you know they make it and it's throwing back out so then i was talking to this other person uh whose doctor said that that it's been if you take pepsi they see it like blocks something important like uh what's uh potassium

or something fucked up i can't i've been trying to find it online. I don't know what it blocks, but they were saying no, they found out it did something really fucked up, and so they pulled it from the shelves. I personally have not been able to find it for like three months. What did they say in that article? What does it say it does? Well, this article I'm reading now is saying the mysterious disappearance of

Pepsodasie Complete, and it talks about what they are saying to recall, but then they're also saying, dude, something's not right. somebody's fibbing about this whole thing and there's like this whole conspiracy about pepsi dc so i don't know what the whole story is but i've been hearing things left and right and i know if they had a manufacturing problem it's not gonna be out gone for three months pepsi dc is like it's a lot of money they're losing yeah how long do you think they can keep up that though if If there's something up, you know, you can't,

what are you doing over there? Well, I guess, I guess, I guess, I guess Johnson and Johnson do this phantom recalls all the time

where they actually hire people to go into stores and buy all the shit, you know, that's in a store. Like they'll hire companies to go into a store and buy everything.

Oh, as opposed to doing a public recall. It's called a phantom recall. That's, whoa, that is some gangster fucking crazy shit. Whoa, I never heard of that before.

That should be illegal. That should be illegal. That definitely should be illegal. Hey, politicians, these same fuckheads that made online poker put down all those sites this week, you fucking incompetent cunts. The fact that those bankers are running around,

after I watched that Inside Job movie, I've been crazy for the last month. The bankers are running around with hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses for banks that failed. But yeah, let's go after people playing poker. You know, there's a lot of people, thousands of them in this country, that played online poker for a living that are fucked now. Yeah, yeah. I know. It's insane, man.

It's crazy. Fucking criminals. And do you know about this? I forget the exact terminology, but do you know about this um i forget the the exact terminology but do you know that like we obviously we have this horrible deficit right and yeah it's insane i don't even understand it it's so it's so massive do you know that like a bunch of corporations all the major ones they do this uh this thing somebody will probably find it like some it's called like the irish some irish loophole like irish is in the term somewhere

will they if you funnel it through it's legal it's totally legal if you set this up then you don't pay taxes on that money and if they just made that that practice like not legal then all of each of these massive companies would be obligated to pay billions more than they do but because this thing is set up and they go it's just it's it's legal you can do it there's no objection to it they just what is this called irish some irish loop tax if you type in irish tax loop loop well you know general electric crazy you know the story that the uproar about general electric general Electric made who knows how many fucking billion dollars, $14.2 billion in profits in 2010. They paid zero in taxes.

That's amazing. It's insane. It doesn't make any sense at all. And then we go, how can we get money to pay? I'm not even saying to rip them off. How about just making them pay whatever the minimum is in taxes for that kind of profit? Here's what's really crazy. This is where it's really criminal.

The CEO of General Electric, this guy named Jeffrey Immelt, I-M-M-E-L-T, he advises the president on business. Oh, yeah. Like, what the fuck? This is insane. These fucking people. This is what gets really crazy. These fucking people that are involved in regulation, and this is what you learn from that movie Inside Jobs and from Matt Taibbi's articles.

These people that are involved in regulating all these trust funds and these bankers and all this corporate bullshit that's going on, they eventually get jobs working in that industry, which is incredible. Yeah, that whole documentary shows you all those people that you're like, what? They're all the right-hand men to the presidents. And then when they're done serving the public,

they go to be lobbyists for corporations that will pay them crazy money, who they can now really use the inside connections that they have from having been in public. Do you understand lobbyists? Do you understand how that works?

I mean, on a very basic level. I wouldn't say that I'm... Yeah, me too. It's one of those things where I don't even look into it because it makes me upset. I look and I go... It sounds so... The basic description just sounds so creepy

and manipulative and illegal. It's hard to believe that it's legal. It's just the weirdest fucking loophole in the system ever. You pay these people. Look, the UFC has had to deal with a lot of lobbyists in trying to make MMA legal. And I've had some conversations with Dana White where Dana White just pulled me aside. He goes, if you fuck, this is his exact words, if you knew how this fucking system really worked, you'd want to jump out a window.

If you knew how corrupt it really is. He goes, it's fucking nuts. And it's nuts and it's everyone, you know, most people are ignorant about it. They don't understand. I mean, me and you. I mean, we're talking about it. We're here complaining about lobbyists. I mean, if I had to give a speech

right now on what a lobbyist is, it would sound a little clunky. Check this out. From 2007 through 2010, just Google alone saved $3.1 billion in taxes by using the double Irish tax loophole, which is it takes its profits through Ireland and then through the Netherlands and then off to a haven in Bermuda. And it goes down to its foreign tax rate down to 2.3%. It's basically saying they're getting the tax benefit of not being an American company is essentially what it sounds like. It's called double Irish or Dutch sandwich.

Do you realize that's $3 billion that essentially they should have paid in taxes? Yeah. That we're saying you don't have to because you funneled it. And it's totally legal. And Google is one of hundreds of companies that do this. Dude, that's basically the solution to our deficit. Nah. No, it's not. I know what you're saying. But it's a huge chunk. Yeah, it to our deficit. Nah. No, it's not.

I know what you're saying. But it's a huge chunk. Yeah, it would be something. Yeah. Microsoft's also done it. It says Facebook is moving in this direction also. And Apple, Oracle, IBM, they all do it. That's a lot of money.

The system is so fucking corrupt. That's a lot of money. What is the fix? How do you fix something that's so entangled in bullshit? is so fucking corrupt. That's a lot of money. I don't, what is the fix? How do you fix something that's so, it's entangled in bullshit? Like the whole foundation of the financial system

that we operate under, the whole foundation is bullshit. It's all, I mean, it's not even based, like money's not even based on a thing anymore.

It used to be your dollar was supposed to represent a dollar's worth of gold. Now it's just like confidence. You know? It's like, how the fuck do you fix this? It's like you said, the system is such bullshit. It's almost like

fixing the political system. Like, if you had any faith in politics, you know what I mean? Then you get older and you kind of, you hear the same thing. You're like, oh, this is all a huge like bullshit show you know i mean common sense laws there needs to be a guy going seriously this is bullshit i know it's a law but fuck you google pay us this money you know there has to be like a common sense

law where it's voted by just 10 normal guys going yeah that's fucked up you know what i mean yeah but the thing is the reason that these things become law and you go, that's impossible that that's legal, is because somebody has worked to essentially pay off in a way. Like, I'll give you these benefits if you make this legal. And then a politician, legally, goes about making that practice legal. You know what I mean? Common sense tells you that shouldn't be legal but enough people surround these guys and here's the incentives that you'll get from this there's some incentive going back to them and then you make this legal thing it's crazy man it's crazy

but if you could fit what do you do to fix it i mean look obviously there has to be some sort of financial system there has to be some sort of a system of government that runs us. How the fuck? How would you fix this thing? You would almost need somebody who had extraordinary wealth and power to go about things like, I'm not about making it easier for my level to get more rich and powerful. I have a good conscience. I'm going to do what's right

which is like a fairy tale clean house yeah and they'd shoot that guy right in his fat stupid head sure they would and then they would have an orgy in money but didn't you use his blood and they would pour it down the mouth of hookers while they bang him in the ass yeah chop their heads off and go bowling with them once he was dead they would they would go crazy. They would become ogres. Yeah, they got to be dead immediately. Didn't I what were you saying? Like, I had kind of like this, I was sort of almost fantasizing in a way when Obama was going to take office. I was like, this is like a different, this is going to be a new thing.

And I thought it was kind of awesome. It's the first time I actually registered to vote during the elections. I never voted before that. I actually registered to vote during the elections. I never voted before that. Yeah. And, you know, I mean, the reality is that you go, oh, no, it's the same. It's worse. It's always the same practices.

He's played more golf in one term in his three years than Bush had in eight years. Maybe Bush wasn't a golfer. I could play golf in 30 years one of the big criticisms here's one of the things that I fucking hate here's one of the things that I hate

all these democrats that aren't saying a fucking word about us going to Afghanistan us bombing Libya us you know all the crazy shit that we're doing overseas

they would be screaming bloody murder if there was a republican in office people would be losing their fucking mind of course they would be calling him a killer they'd be screaming bloody murder if there was a Republican in office. People would be losing their fucking mind. They would be calling him a killer. They'd be camping out on his lawn.

But because of the fact that he's a black guy and because he's a Democrat, for some reason, people are disappointed, but they're not speaking up as if the evil empire is in motion. It's all playing those teams, man. That's what this presidency made me realize, is that it's just, you know, he's going to say whatever he's going to say. Everyone who's in his party is going to support it. And I hate equally the bullshit criticism you always hear from another party, no matter what choice is made. Right.

Whatever he said that day, like, oh, the president's just full of it again. The Rush Limbaugh's of the world. Man, like, this is... Here we go again with the dog and pony show. Yeah, and you're like, really? People love to have an ideology that's easy to follow. People love to have

like Megadero's, Rush Megadero's. You're a part of this whole thing. You think a certain way. You smoke a cigar. You play golf. You do Rush Limbaugh type shit. There's something appealing about that to a lot of people. So these fucking cunts, that's how they make their living. They make their living appealing to a weakness in human nature to want to be a part of a pack.

That whole world is so depressing to me. The talking head like Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter. That whole world is like, oh, fuck, man. Ann Coulter depresses the shit out of me. Oh, my God, man. You hawk-looking evil cunt. She's a horrible, horrible human being. I don't understand how so many people like her.

Like, Bill Maher likes her. My friend, Ann Coulter. I'm like, whoa, your friend is responsible for putting out so much negative energy. Hatred, yeah. Hatred and negative energy. Yeah. You know, and it's just, in the way she does it, it's like she's a professional troll. She says a bunch of shit that she doesn't even really believe,

just to try to get attention. And then that becomes so depressing that you're like, oh, you figured out that if you say really awful shit, it'll grab headlines. And then you'll go, instead of going back to what you think, you go, I'll just say more awful, horrible shit. Like, well, the kids who have cancer love having cancer. And you're like, what?

What kind of crazy shit are you talking about? She's a professional troll. Just saying that. Yeah, just to get a headline. Yeah. I mean, I think once you make a million bucks, you don't have to keep doing that stupid. If you don't have anything else to say, then you're useless. You're in the way.

Take some time to write something meaningful. Come back. Speaking of horrible shit and writing something meaningful, Tommy Bunz got in trouble in Melbourne, Australia. Oh, yeah. Tommy Bunz was over there for the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Yeah. And when we, Tommy and I did Sydney two years ago.

It was about two years ago? Yeah, it was 2009, yeah. What a fucking great time we had there, huh? That was a good time. Goddamn good town. Shut that shit down. Shut that shit down. Shut that shit down. We went into a bar.

We got there two days early, right? So we didn't have the show the first day. We got there. We went to the movies. That was all good. Went to the Apple store. That was fun. And then somewhere along the line, we went, let's just go get fucked up.

Let's get fucked up. And we decided, let's just go get fucking smashed. So's get fucked up. And we decided, like, we decided, let's just go get fucking smashed. So we pulled up to this bar. We went to this bar, and I just started buying shots for everybody. I spent thousands of dollars just buying shots. When he says everybody,

I mean literally every human being that was in, like, a fucking five-block radius. I was high-fiving people. You want in on this? You want in on this? Come on, motherfucker. Yeah. They loved it, man. We had a great time. radius. I was high-fiving people. You want in on this? You want in on this? Come on, motherfucker. Yeah. They loved it, man.

We had a great time. Yeah, it was fun. For hours and hours, we were laughing and fucking dancing and singing and doing shots. Blitzkrieg the next day. That was very hard to do the show the next day. Oh, my head was on a sponge. I bet. Yeah, that was rough.

And not to mention, we would go to, like, first of all, you have the jet lag, the craziness of flying over there. Yeah. We stay out till like 6 or 7 in the morning. And then the next day, he had to be somewhere. Maybe Wayans or something. Yeah, a few hours later. A few hours later.

And then we did the same thing after the show. Yes. We were eating street food. It was fucking great, though. We had a great time. So anyway, when we get there, Tommy, we're laughing. Do we have the breast trip on the plane? I don't remember.

Maybe. Either way, by the time this rolled around, by the time Showtime rolled around, we were fucked. And Tommy starts laughing about how there's so many white people here. And then he comes up with this joke. And he does the joke this joke. Yeah. And he does the joke on stage. What is the joke? The joke is basically that the flight is so long

that I thought I had died. Like, the flight goes on so long, I was like, I think I'm dead. Feels fake. Yeah, it feels fake. Like, how could you still be flying? I think I'm dead. And I asked Joe, am I dead?

He's like, no, you're not dead. And then we walked off the plane, and I saw all these white people, and I was like, well, if I'm dead, at least I know I'm in heaven. And the crowd was totally into it, too. And it's a pretty, like, it's, I don't know, it's a joke that I would never think you have to explain to somebody. Like, you get the joke, right?

Like, it's not so crazy that you're like, whoa, what do you mean? Like, you know, it's pretty. Because you hate black people. That's the joke. Right. So crazy that you're like, whoa, what do you mean? Like, you know, it's pretty. Because you hate black people. That's the joke. Right. So, you know, anyways, we did this show in Sydney. I'm back a year later. I open with the same joke.

Right. Except I don't say Joe, because you're not there. And that would be weird. But I do the joke. People laugh. It gets a good response. And then I do a second joke. And this joke is definitely harsher.

But no, I think, okay, the next joke was that, unlike the other yanks they were going to see, I've prepared myself for my time in Australia by immersing myself in your culture before I got here. So I've been drinking Fosters. I've been going to Outback Steakhouse for authentic Australian cuisine. And I've been talking to Mexican people. And I said, I think Mexicans are our equivalent of Aboriginals. Well, they drink a lot and they're super lazy. Is that the right thing?

Just like that, right? Everybody's like, that gets more of like a, ooh. Which when I did a version of that at your show it got an applause break that like was like 10 seconds okay like a crazy different crowds different crowds but regardless the joke there is not that i'm like it's not me saying something mean it's the joke is i know that's your opinion of them that's the joke right right like it only makes sense because i know as white australians that's what you guys say about aboriginals that's the joke right like that's how that works right so anyways it gets like a oh kind of like that's crazy and then

right away whatever back to the set everything goes fine great crowds i get off stage and we have like a like a festival show like a handler who like works for the staff and she's like hey can i talk to you like for a second i'm like yeah she's like so that was pretty crazy and i was like what was pretty crazy like i don't even know what you're talking about she's like the aboriginal thing, whoa. And I was like, are you serious right now? She's like, yeah. Like, that's a very sensitive subject here. And I was like, yeah. I mean, I figured as much.

And she's like, well, you know, like, you could really divide the room. And I'm like, yeah, like, I know how jokes work, you know? Like, I know exactly what went on there. And, like, it's not like I got, like, a boot or something, you know like i i know exactly what i'm what went on there and like it's not like i got like a boot or something you know like it's it's pretty standard to do jokes like this she's like well if you could you know i don't know if you want to keep doing that and i'm like are you serious right now like this is like the first time that somebody i feel like i'm explaining myself for a joke since like high school like when high school, when a teacher hears you. How old was this chick that you were talking to?

Older than me. In the 30s. Like late 30s, maybe. And was she just super liberal? Was she super artsy? Yeah, and I could tell that she was coming. She was reporting for a higher up. That became kind of clear.

And I was like, when you're not in comedy or something and you say something like that, then you kind of have to explain yourself. Like, yeah, sorry. You know what I mean? Like, that's just how we talk or something. But, like, I'm at a show. I was just on stage. I wasn't buying a drink at the bar. It's a joke.

Yeah, it's a joke. Like, I thought that was over. And they're like, well, if you could, it would be great if you didn't do that joke. And I was like, are you serious right now? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, I know how to do these. There's an inherent risk in saying a race joke. But there's a tension moment.

And then if you have a joke, that's the punchline. People understand it's a joke. 99% of people have done jokes way harsher than that and people don't go why'd you say that like that they understand in the context of performing it's a joke right so i'm like all right uh yeah i guess i mean i didn't that night i was just like you know i didn't even say that i wouldn't do it again i was just like yeah no i you know i'll think about it and they were like uh okay and then afterwards i see the the festival people and i can tell that they're like they're not happy with me but you can just tell if you by reading body language like they're just kind of flicking you off they're just kind

no they're just kind of like hey and then they see the other people like hey what's up like to the people on my show and i was like hey they're mad at me and they hey. And then they see the other people like, hey, what's up? To the people on my show. And I was like, hey, they're mad at me. So they're going out of the way to be nicer to people around you. Yeah, right in front of me. Right in front of you. And I was like, this is weird. I've done clubs, obviously, where they might not be 100% on board.

They might not be fans of yours, but they always have your back. They're like, you say whatever you want. You're a comic these people were like you know just kind of like looking down and like just blatantly letting me know that like not on board with what you're doing right now and i was like this is crazy so the next day i go and like we're about to do the show and they're like oh that's great so you're not going to do that joke right wait a minute oh that's great that's how she starts off the no just just like just like hey how's it going um i'm like great like so have you thought about like not doing that joke and i was like look i won't do

the joke tonight okay i'm gonna do a different opening and i'll just do a different different series of jokes and they're like okay and then when i get off stage they're like that's so great and we're so glad that you've dropped it from your set and i'm like i didn't make the agreement i just didn't do it on this show we have 10 more shows to go but they were like no no it's great that you're done with it we're so glad that you're done with it and i was like really then there was a newspaper article after the first show did you bring it. That's what you got right there? Yeah. But this just shows you how the difference... I think there's a huge difference between what we're used to seeing comics say and do

on stage, especially regarding race. I feel like race is like... Even though every country has their own issues with race, we're way more comfortable in comedy clubs with comics doing race as a subject matter. You know, we're around it. Some guys are really harsh with it, but the actual topic is more open here. open here so the day after the first show this guy wrote uh tom skirra opened with some essentially racist material with which he might have been deliberately attempting to offend if the audience was offended they soon forgave him um blah blah some topics were hacky um what was hacky the midget gag he wrote.

But he has a nasty edge rarely seen in Australia. So you're like, all right. Then he further comments in the comments section of his own article, like, yeah, he's still doing, I've heard that he may not be doing the bigoted material anymore. And I'm just like, the guy clearly didn't get that either of those were jokes. Like they took them. them yeah but you're saying like it's a joke and that all of a sudden that forgives you from the sentiment of the the

statement you know i mean just because it's a joke doesn't mean it's still not offensive it is a joke you're right it is still offensive it can still be offensive but i think that he also didn't understand that the joke really is more like every comic that I told it to there was like, you should keep doing that joke. Every and then I spoke to like friends of mine that were locals that are not comics and told them like the the one about lazy. And they're like, oh, that's so true. That's so true, because that's what we we all say that about them. them it's more like they're not uh accepting the fact that i mean not the audience that the staff was more not accepting the fact that i'm saying something that is true and that that could hurt feelings but it's true like you're well you're saying true in that they're lazy no not that

they're lazy but that's the perception yeah right but it's that's also a very racist perception because you if you know the history this is i didn't know this until I did Rudy Hill. When I did the last shows that we did in Australia, the woman who worked for the booking agent explained to me why people are so sensitive about Aborigines. They used to steal their babies. They used to take their babies from them and make them raise them with white families. They used to take their babies from them and make them raise them with white families, steal their fucking children to try to incorporate them, because these people were not adapting to the Australian way of life that the white people were living.

And they're like, these poor people, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. So they went and took their babies, man. And they did this shit for years. So these poor fucking people grew up without their own children. That's horrifying. It's terrifying. Yeah. But it's like, they're just like American Indians in the way that, you know, American Indians being displaced by, you know, the white man moving in and taking over the old

ways of life. What'd they do? They wound up being defeated and drunk. And, you know, that's like the classic stereotype of the American Indian, being drunk and angry. Well, that's exactly what's going on with these aborigine people. Yeah. But I'm not arguing that like it's anything other than other than the fact that they're trying to tell me that i'm just being

racist like i'm just like that's the part that i take issue i'm not taking issue with any other part of that not that it's you know you should laugh at it or that it's funny or that it's insightful but the fact is that they're getting upset that I'm saying something about their perception of their own people. Right, but you're saying it as if it's... As a whole country. They all have that perception. It's like saying the Mexicans to us, but yet to me,

I might not have any problem with Mexicans, or I think they're lazy, but you're saying it as a whole country. But the problem is that it's a widely held perception, and they're not acknowledging that... I'm offended I'm leaving. ...when they're talking that way with me. But just because, no, no, no, I don't necessarily agree with that. Because I think even though they, it's not that they don't acknowledge it, they don't agree with it.

They don't think it's something that you should be talking about and picking on those people. You know, I can see their point of view, man. I really can. I mean, I kind, well. It's a joke. I know it's a joke. It made me laugh. I thought it was a joke i know it's a joke it made me laugh i thought it was funny when you said it look i don't mind offensive jokes i like them i

think they're funny i mean i love uh i love guys that say shit that i know they don't even believe but they just say yeah norton is a perfect example sure half of his act is horrible insulting and you know racist or not i should say. It's not really racist. But it's horribly insulting shit, but I know that's what he's doing. But I take issue with the fact that I'm being...

They're sort of classifying this as what I said, as the equivalent of an internet... No, Brian, don't bother shutting that door while you flush the toilet. It's fine. Break through the microphone. It'll be interesting. Add some background noise. They're qualifying what I'm saying

as the equivalent of, hey, here's a racist internet joke. I'm shitting on them. But I do feel like the joke is really more about... I'm not saying you can't... You don't have to agree with my perception of it, that the joke is really more about i i don't i'm not saying you can't you do not have to agree with the with my perception of it but the the joke is that it's not that i'm i'm using

i'm actually being making the joke on the mexican person that's not fair to them but the equivalent i'm saying is you guys think that of aboriginals and you can say that like well not all of us do but it's a widely held perspective among white australians right okay how is that any different than doing a black people or lazy joke um how is it any different than black people yeah i mean how is it how is it any different like you know what you're saying is you're implying that these people are lazy right like i mean i'm not trying to not trying to break down the material but if someone said a really racist joke about black people and about black people being lazy and welfare and this and that it's basically the same thing it's a racist joke and it will appeal to some people it doesn't mean

that it's a widely held belief it's just that it's acknowledged that there's a lot of people that do feel that way and if you say some really fucked up racist joke, there's a certain percentage of the population that's going to laugh at that. How is that any different than making fun of these aborigine people? Well, I mean, again, like, in the joke that I said, I'm saying that, like, I spoke to Mexicans. I think they're, like, aboriginals.

Well, they drink a lot, and they're super lazy. Because I know that's your... Right. In my mind, that's your perception of them. Right. So it's more like I'm highlighting to you the truth. It's some people's perception of them. Right, but for me, I'm saying that that's the truth that I see in you about those people.

So I don't see it as, I guess in my mind, I'm not seeing it as, hey, I'm calling them lazy and drunk. I'm saying I know that you call them lazy and drunk. Well, look, here's my point. I think it's funny, and I think you should keep saying it, because guess what? A lot of them are fucking lazy, and a lot of them are drunk. Right. They think it's sad, and they think it's racist because these people are downtrodden, and it's really a fucked up situation, and they're right, too. They're right, they're right too but they're also like hey don't joke about that thing that we feel bad about

right it's kind of what what i'm being right is what i feel like and then well the other the second part to this is that like five days later the same guy who reviewed me that first night wrote an article called uh racism or Political Correctness Gone Mad. And it's an article where he writes, he's like, he starts off talking about an episode. Oh, well, he says, I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now? Well, you'd be a black man. That's the answer. And it's from an episode of The Family Guy. So he starts writing that, like, the joke is, like, Stewie's, like, saying, you know,

if you left now, what would you be? I'd be black. Like, a guy that doesn't... Take care of his kids. Right. So that was the joke. And then he starts examining, like, that type of material. And then he brings up yours truly by saying, he's like, it came to mind last week when

Tom Segura opened the show by declaring how great it was to be in Melbourne because there are so many white people here, which is not what I said. I said it was like heaven. And then he went on to making a joke comparing Aborigines and Mexicans, which I won't repeat here. And then he says the audience gasped but still seemed to enjoy the rest of his set where he ranted against stupid people and blah blah what surprised me the most was that a couple audience members i spoke to afterwards

had completely forgot it forgotten about the opening mind opening line um because they apparently didn't hold on to that as much as he wanted them to uh but to his mind i was deliberately trying to shock the audience from the outset and he's i don't believe he's actually racist um but i think he was doing something that's considered fine on the u.s comedy circuit u.s uh so are we too sensitive here in australia jokes on race are probably the last remaining taboo in australian comedy It's a free-for-all for pretty much any other thing, pedophiles, incest jokes. And then his own take is that in some parts of the U.S., namely New York and California, they seem to move into a post-political correctness era, while middle America is still stuck in pre-political

correctness. And he also goes on to talk about the right to free speech and playing a part in our doing this. But I don't really think. That writer sounds like a moron. Yeah. I don't think that's accurate at all, but I do think that the article at least asked the question that I kind of

wanted the other people like on the staff to ask, which was like, are we being hypersensitive to something? Like I clearly touched a nerve in a few people that worked there with that joke. If you can't touch nerves in comedy, then what are you doing? You're taking so much off the table if you can't touch nerves.

I think so, too. It's like saying, I want to go see a movie, but I want no violence and no sex. Please tell a nice story. Yeah, it's called rated G. Look, I enjoy a good violent movie. And rappers have had this argument for years. Like, how is what they're doing different than the movie Scarface?

They're not providing fictional entertainment. That's what they're saying. They're saying they're providing entertainment. They're giving you an outlet for this kind of shit. Look, man, especially when you've got a couple of drinks in you, some inappropriate, ridiculous, off-color jokes are hilarious. What's wrong with that kind of entertainment?

It's what makes me laugh. I don't just do race material, but I always do something usually involving race. It's just part of something that I always find inherently interesting and funny. And I usually feel like the context of it being in a joke though does make it somewhat different like I joke about it on stage I joke about it on Twitter I joke about it in real life and there is a line

and there's definitely a hateful line I feel like and and a line. I mean, it's everyone's own line. It's subjective. But I just feel like that there is a place to say, well, like, that these are jokes. Do you feel like as you get more famous and more known for your comedy that maybe you're going to have more of a responsibility to balance it out? Yeah. Like you'll have like a black joke, but you better have some white people jokes in there too. Oh, yeah.

Well, the thing that I've found the most is that when I go out and i do like a full show full hour show i've never had anybody really say anything because usually what people say is like hey when you shit on whatever uh i would have gotten mad but you you give it out so evenly like i feel like you know you do you made fun of mexicans and yourself too and myself so they're like you made fun of Mexicans. And yourself, too. And myself. All the time. You made fun of everything, therefore it's cool. If you do a shorter set, you're much more... I mean, you think about it. We were only doing 20-minute sets on this thing.

The 20-minute set, those two jokes that I told you, one of them... I mean, the white people one, it blows my mind that somebody would be offended by that, that they really couldn't get that that's a joke but those two things took 45 seconds to tell what and they still stood out this is again i don't think that it's not they can't tell that it's a joke it's just they think that the sentiment is mean yeah i know that comes across to me racism doesn't exist for one but do you think this is something that that Dale Wright told us last week. Not for tickling

player. Do you think if you would have done the jokes, you would have been fired from the tour? If what? If you would have continued to do the jokes all 10 shows, do you think you would have been fired from the tour? Oh, dude. Listen, the way, the thing that stood out to me the most isn't even this article or anybody's

review or anything. It's that that staff was so disapproving of what I had said. Well, they're artsy types. Big time. They're festival people. Yeah, I mean, artsy festival-type people, man, that's always going to be something. To answer your question, yes.

I think I would have been asked to leave. Fucking comedy festivals are a hard time, too, man, because you never know what they're into. The people, they might be into alternative comedy, and they might think that the type of stuff you're doing is too crass or too mainstream. A lot of people who are comedy nerds, it's like people who are only into the pixies.

If I'm in your car, you put on the pixies, I'm going to go, what the fuck is this, and why are you making me listen to it? You know what I mean? You're too cool for the doors yeah yeah you're you're too cool for um would you have done this continue to do the jokes if they would have said that same thing to you i wouldn't have done the joke in the first place it's not my style of comedy right i would have done it i would have done something different and if i felt like i liked it yes yeah i would have done it yeah for sure i mean there's a lot of people that i like that have jokes that i laugh

at but i wouldn't do that's one of them mean, there's a lot of people that I like that have jokes that I laugh at, but I wouldn't do. That's one of them. Have you recently had a club or anything tell you, like, hey, we don't want that shit? Nah. No way. Not if you move tickets, dude. If you sell tickets, they're like, hey, you want to jerk off on the front row?

I'm not causing riots. No one's lighting the tables on fire. They don't care. But it's been a long time since I had anybody. Mitzi Shore was the last person to tell me not to do a joke really yep what was the joke and nicole smith i used to do this joke about and nicole smith's husband yeah hilarious because she married this is one of my closing bits yeah because she married this billionaire and everybody was like oh it's so terrible like she's just using him for his money i'm like don't you think he fucking knows that

this guy made a billion dollars from scratch chances are he's a tad crafty yeah there's this whole bit about him getting her to do the most ruthless shit for for her money like you know because he was dying on his deathbed and mitzi did not like it because he was an old man and she's an old woman and she she just didn't like the idea of old being so disgusting she's like that joke's terrible you gotta stop doing that joke. I go, Mitzi, it kills. It's my closing bit. She goes, I don't like it. Don't do it.

She literally told me not to do it. Did you not do it again? I didn't do it when she was in the room. Yeah. She was there. I didn't have to do it. I used it as an exercise. I said, all right, good.

I'll close with something else because she's here. For the record, I love Aboriginal people. I just want to put that out there. For the record, I have no idea what they are. No, I should tell you this, though. You know the whole story of Australia? It's really fascinating. It is a fascinating story.

I know about them being a prison country. Yeah, that's the story. It's an amazing, beautiful country, but only along the coast. The center is death. The center is just poisonous snakes and fucking crocodiles and spiders. Dude, it's an enormous geographic country if you look at the size of it. Right, right. 20 million people live in Australia.

Wow, really? It's a continent, right? Yeah, it's a continent, yeah. I mean, it's really a country, but it's a continent. Yeah, it's huge, but it's all people around the edges. So there's nothing in the middle. There's no main... Well, there's just death, death.

But anyway, these Aboriginal people were there first. And when the Americans, or the English rather, when they sent over their prisoners, then these new people integrated. It's really fascinating when you're there. You look at all these incredible buildings. This all started off with some fucking poor people on some boats. Some poor shitheads, some outcasts sent out of England to a way better spot. Way better than England.

I mean, what were they thinking, man? They sent people to something. The weather is gorgeous. The views are incredible. It's beautiful. I mean, England is just fucking dour and gray and rainy and Seattle. You know, you go there.

Doesn't Australia have the most strip clubs per, like, Kappa or whatever? Really? There have like the most strip clubs per like kappa or whatever like there's tons of strip i gotta tell you this though the people there are awesome and i'm not just saying like the i mean on the streets wherever you go everybody is canadian like like super helpful very friendly yeah yeah and they uh the audiences like you know from doing the audiences, we did like 12, 13 shows. Amazing. Like they were literally just the best audiences you could ask for was every night. Every night was just like, holy shit, that was fucking awesome.

Every show was like that. Every show. Really great. Sydney, I've only been there twice, but both times are fucking incredible. Again, it's not just going there and, you know, it's not even just the show. It's just the people in general. Yeah, white people.

They're great. Australia is pretty sweet. It's a nice spot. It's one of those few places outside the United States where I would think about living. Really? Yeah. Yeah. There's some fucking crazy nuclear meltdown here in America.

Somebody launches off a dirty bomb. You know, you could do, look, Arj Barker's killing it over there in Australia. Dude, he is fucking crushing it. He's Dane Cook over there. Yeah. He's their version of Dane Cook. He was doing,

I got to hang out with him a couple times. He's doing, like, the thing about that festival is you do like a run, right? Like you do this many two weeks. We did two weeks, there was two other and there was another show that replaced ours for the remaining two weeks arj does like the month he does the whole festival 1500 seater like 25 shows in a row with like a day off like twice and that's incredible out like 1500 seater that made like 25 times in a row that's incredible that's amazing yeah it's he just hit over there somehow or another he's huge i mean

then you see him on like on the plane when you're watching movies on the way it's orange marker comedy specials yeah i saw that yeah you see him uh and if you're in your room you turn on tv you see arj it's amazing how a guy would just become super popular in another country like that yeah eddie if does really well in Australia. He does, yeah. But it fucking bites him in the ass, man. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like, not that he doesn't do well over there.

He loves that. Yeah. But that he's, for some reason, he's not like that over here. Right, right. Like, it drives him crazy. Sure. You know, so he's over here. Now he's spending a lot of time over here trying to put in.

He's a funny guy. Totally, yeah. You know, but. I think it's fascinating, fascinating that Jim Jeffries, right? Super funny. Massive in the UK. Massive in the UK. Big here.

Does really well. Does a lot of, you know, sells out venues all the time. Doesn't even go to Australia, which is his home country. And he did... They told me he did a gala. They do this gala, a big show, to launch the festival. So what they do is they have like 28 comics. Everybody has three minutes, and they broadcast it nationally.

Like a quarter of the population of the country sees this gala event. And Jim did one where he did, he just did a three-minute thing, and his opening joke was about how he got in the car with a girl, and the girl was like, hold on one second. I've got to make a phone call. She calls. She's like, hey, yeah, I'm taking this guy home. What was your name again?

He was like, it's Jim Jeffries. She's like, oh, it's Jim Jeffries. So if anything happens to me, Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries, okay? And she's like, sorry. I just had to do that because I don't really know you. And he goes, well, that's fine. It's just going to make this rape a little awkward that was like the joke or some

something along those lines the place went like silent like fucking deathly silent and then they were like totally turned off by him and he had like a terrible run and he just doesn't even go back to australia from one show i don't know if it's just that. I'm saying I think he had a bad experience. He's got a bit of a complex. He's got a bit of a complex. Because I was talking to him, we were at the improv, and he's like, I can't even fucking sell tickets in Australia.

He was really mad. Yeah. Yeah, he was really mad. I think a lot of that has to be the fact that he's, oddly enough, more successful in the bigger markets. Like UK and United States, he's bigger. So what, the Australians don't like him for that, you think? I don't know what it is, but I think maybe now, like, if he's become more of a name outside, he can go back and do well.

But I just find it interesting that, like, that's clearly the third market in that tier, in that group. And you would think that, like, a guy who's had the success that he's had he's really huge in the uk and like you know he's a pretty big name here that he doesn't go back like he can't go back there who the fuck knows what people like you know it's probably the whole usa is super cool thing too going on you know like where you have like an american person going to the australia that's what's popular about it because they're either american you know american comic you know kind of like how japanese people like Levi's. You know, it's not because Levi's is awesome.

It's like American. I wonder because Arj lives there now. Yeah. You know? He like moved there, you know? Tommy, wake up. Sorry. You motherfucker.

I was reading something. You keep doing that. No, just twice. Brutal. Sorry. Oh, Tommy. Tommy. Don't you know?

Come on now. We're in the middle of breaking down the Arj Barker scenario. Arj Barker. I think that Jeffries is hilarious. He's a funny dude. Maybe they find him embarrassing over there. Really? Maybe it's just too much of what they are.

Maybe they don't like it. Maybe they don't like that mirror on themselves. Russell Peters. Or not Russell Peters. What's the guy that's married to Katy Perry? Russell Brand. Is Russell Brand big in the UK? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does like the O2 arena you want to see some bad stand up watch his DVD oh really oh

pretty bad oh he's gonna open Micah I couldn't believe it I mean repeating punchlines and shit like you already

said that and wasn't a good one in the first place like punchlines that were like right out of like some evening

the improv sketch yeah it's not good comedy man he's just he's a great actor. He's really funny in the movie. He's a funny actor, yeah.

I loved him in that Sarah Marshall. Yeah, he was great in that. But that's the problem. Every character is that character. That's what I hate about it. Every movie he's in, it's the exact same character. Jack Nicholson. You think he's the same in every movie?

90% of the movies. Do you like his character? Love it. Love the character. Yeah, me too. I don't mind him. I don't mind him being the same guy if he's really awesome at it yeah he's awesome you know clint eastwood how many times did he play the same guy 100 he's awesome at it yeah

doesn't bother me yeah that russell brown guy's awesome at it he's hilarious yeah stand-up sucks a bag of dicks though i heard his book is awesome really really yeah he's got stories that's the guy who has fucking stories yeah yeah he's quite a character yeah yeah you know i don't i don't know what the fuck it is man between uh americans liking english people and english people liking americans is it just something different i guess it is right yeah you always look at the grass is always greener you know are you a big fan of british comics no no not me but music music you do i like a lot of british music yeah yeah but like british comics doesn't work with me for some reason. It doesn't hit.

There's something about, I don't know, I can't break it down, but there's just something that the majority of British comics just don't, even though they're like, this guy is fucking amazing. What about British comedy shows? There have been some fantastic ones. I still think that The British Office Is just like perfect television That show is amazing

My favorite British comedian is Jeremy Clarkson He's not even a comedian The guy's hilarious He's the guy on Top Gear The main guy on Top Gear He's really funny That's the guy that reviewed you No

I think that's the guy that reviewed you. No. That's the guy. No, I had to. I think that's the name, right? Yeah, that's who they used. They compared me to him. Really? Because he says a lot of rude shit? He said that shit about Mexicans on his show.

You heard what he said? What did he say about Mexicans on his show? Oh, yeah. They got in big trouble. Big trouble. What happened? They said they were reviewing a car, and guess the car was was yet to be made or something and like it's coming it's going to be from mexico and he was like well i'm sure that

car will be like a real piece of shit because you know mexicans just sit around they're super drunk um and they don't really do anything so that car will probably be just like that people like oh my god and like the mexican consulate was like, we're going to fucking pull our embassy out of there. You guys need to apologize. That's hilarious. I support you, Jeremy. Sensitive. Yeah.

Wow. I mean, I think it kind of went on a little bit. He kind of hit the point a few more times. This weekend I was in Solvang, which is north of Santa Barbara. It's like a wine country. And there was no black people there. Like, none. Zero. And we were talking about it the whole weekend, how crazy. was in Solvang which is north of Santa Barbara it's like a wine country and there was no black people there like none zero and we were talking about the whole weekend

how crazy we were actually trying to play a game to try to find the first black person there and we're just sitting there in our car and we're kind of buzzed and stuff and suddenly this black guy just knocks on my door I'm like oh shit here it goes what's what the fuck why is he knocking on my window and he goes excuse me you have a tree branch under your tire let me get this for you

I'm like oh thanks but I was so freaked out wow you're a tree branch under your tire. Let me get this for you. And I'm like, oh, thanks. But I was so freaked out. Wow. You're a mess. You don't see them for a while. Yeah, yeah. They pop out and knock on your window. This is what Jeremy Clarkson said about Mexicans in his column.

Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team because anyone who could run, jump, or swim is already across the border. But what did he say on that show? Is that what it says there? Yeah, but here's some fucking whack-ass shit there's some comedian attacked them some some comedian named steve coogan you know oh he's a big british comic is he yeah yeah he attacked them calling them a bully because of what they said about mexico that's weak shit right there this is one other thing i gotta tell you this is and this i feel like is 100 true that's an example of it it's only white people that are ever offended for people like i've said offensive things at shows before that in my mind whatever it's in

the context of the joke or whatever and like the same joke that a black guy has hugged me for i'm gonna give you a fucking hug after this show. That shit was hilarious, man. I've had white people approach me. Right. So you can say jokes about white people, but black people won't get offended at you saying those jokes about white people. But if you say jokes about black people, white people will get offended. Right.

If you say jokes about black people, white people will get offended for them. And that same black person or Mexican person or whomever will be like, that was a funny joke. Maybe. Maybe. Some one or two. Right. But the point is, you could say a joke about white people and black people will never come up to you and go, you're fucked up. Oh.

You shouldn't have never done that. Never. Never. Yeah. Tricky, right? And most of the time, though, when you do jokes about race, though, it is a minority person that is not offended by it. Right. Like, that applauds it in some way, like, whatever.

Here's the, you know, I got the joke. I like the joke. White people, though, love to tell you how offended they are for that group. You know, I'm so, I'm so, that's not okay. It's like, really? you're telling me that you have some vested interest in defending a group that you are not a part of you're gonna you're offended for them this steve coogan guy annoys the fuck out of me what do you say this is what he says the lads talking about jeremy clark's um jeremy clarkson and james may and richard hammond on the show who

they're funny guys, man. They say funny shit. Yeah, they do. And they shit on each other. They call each other idiots and imbeciles all the time. Like, you know, Jeremy Clarkson was driving a car. Like, look at him. He's basically a baboon.

You know, like they're constantly shitting on each other. That's the show. So this is what this moron says. This is this Coogan character who just called him a bully. He said, the lads have this strange notion that if they are being offensive, it bestows upon them a kind of anti-establishment aura of coolness.

In fact, like their leather jackets and jeans, it's uber conservative, which isn't cool. The fuck are you talking about? You're saying what's cool and not cool? First of all, shut up, stupid. Yeah. You're telling people what's cool and what's not cool? they get anti-establishment because they they like to be offensive they like to be offensive because it's funny stupid yeah that's the whole thing and if you're not offensive

you're not offensive at all i bet you're not funny yeah i bet you're not i bet i bet if this is what you're attacking a funny joke about mexican swimmers jumpers and and and fucking runners you you you're you're gonna write an article about this to defend Mexico? You fucking shitbag. It's also like inappropriateness is what's funny. All the time. Yeah, of course. I enjoy it.

I enjoy it, and I'm a nice person. But I enjoy a good Mexican joke. Just like I enjoy a good white people joke. Look, if you've got some funny shit to say about anybody, come on with it. Anything is cool. You know? Calling someone a bully. He's a stupid looking fuck.

Look at him. And the picture says, unimpressed, Steve Coogan. Oh, no. Well, I'm unimpressed with you, dummy. Getting mad at Jeremy Clarkson, you fuck. He's the greatest fucking export you people have ever had. He's jealous. He is jealous. He's hating. He's trying to get attention. And have ever had. He's jealous. He is jealous.

He's hating it. He's trying to get attention and he got it. He got it from everybody, including me. I'm a fool. I played right into his hand. God damn it.

He knows what he was doing. I just, man, I have a real hard time with anybody who has like mock anger, you know? Yeah. Mock upset, you know?

I got into a real fucking serious, like almost like a fight with this bartender in New York once because he was trying to pretend to this woman, you know, I got into a real fucking serious, like almost like a fight with this bartender in New York once, because he was trying to pretend to this woman, you know, that he was like some super fucking defender feminist sort of a guy. And it was about OJ Simpson, you know, they were talking about OJ Simpson. And, you know, and, you know, we were sitting around talking, and it was me and the waitress were talking and the bartender kind of chimed in and cock-blocked to like to shut me down. But, you know, she was saying how well he beat the shit out of his wife.

I go, well, I go, he was, he did something where they had a restraining order against him. I go, but that doesn't mean anything. When people are breaking up, people do nutty shit. You know, you never know. are breaking up people do nutty shit you know you never know and then so the fucking bartender comes out leans over the bar like he's scolding me and said he pleaded no contest do you understand what that means that means he beats women and he did it like out of nowhere like we weren't even having a conversation all i'm saying is that sometimes when relationships go bad man people accuse people of all kinds of crazy shit to get custody of the kids, to get more money, to put the balance of power on their side.

And when it comes to the legal proceedings, that's all I was saying was that, yeah, you never know what the fuck's going on when two people break up because I've seen some nutty shit myself. And this motherfucker leaned over the counter to scold me, to be Captain Save captain save a hoe in front of this girl and i was like wow like if you're really upset at you know at me over this like there either there has to be something else there i have must have done something to you before which i hadn't i never even saw the guy or you're captain save a hoe yeah you're that asshole that's what you're gonna do you're gonna pretend that you're really super sensitive and cool and that's yeah people like you yeah yeah that that that being super sensitive is not helping anybody man that shit ain't helping anybody i i actually kind of subscribe to the idea too that like there is i don't really believe in at least comics being offended by things like finding

things offensive in jokes like on stage i i have a kind of a problem with like like you know there was a joke there where like i don't know somebody told another joke about like a a separate thing but the person was like i wouldn't be cool with that and i was like well you're essentially when you say that you're saying like everything else is cool you can talk about all these other things but you can't talk about that i think it's more uncomfortable fat jokes just because it seems like that because you're fat well no i'm because there's i've seen people in the audience no no i mean because i have i have fat jokes and i say i feel uncomfortable saying it is what i'm saying yeah because because there's i've been in audiences before where i've seen the audience just sit there and just like hold their head like they're

fucking sad because they're thinking about how fat they are. Oh, right. Yeah, you're allowed to shit on fat people way too easy. I mean, it's obviously their own fault because they're the one who ate the food. Right. But still, you're still. It's like, how is it any different than shitting on poor people? Right.

That's sort of their fault too, right? They have been alive on this earth X amount of years. It's their job to accumulate enough money to not be poor. But yet, you shit on poor people. That's sort of their fault too, right? They have been alive on this earth X amount of years. It's their job to accumulate enough money to not be poor. But yet, you shit on poor people. It's in very poor taste. It feels awful. But you shit on fat people. They're both people who have been in a bad circumstance and made bad decisions, probably. But fat people, nobody backs them up. Yeah, I don't like doing it. I guess I just, I think, like, I mean, if you're across the board, some people don't like jokes that they feel like have a mean edge

or nastiness behind them. But some people are, like, are fine with, like, let's say, I don't know, a Mexican joke. They'd be like, oh, that's cool. But then they'll be offended by, you know, the fat joke or something like that. Or an abortion joke. Oh, abortion's a huge one. Right, but it's like, really, you're going to...

So should the show cater to you? Is that essentially what you're asking for? Are you going to dictate the terms of the show now? Well, that's a real problem. People don't know who you are before you go up there. If they get into the Tom Segura mindset and they listen to your podcast devoutly and then they... Is that a word?

Then they come to see you at a show and they know what they're getting they're there for the fucking tom segura show right you know they know your style of comedy but if they have no idea who the fuck you are and you just do some show somewhere and you show up yeah then it's like well who's this tom segura guy why is he shitting on aboriginals right right yeah you know yeah yeah exactly i mean and i think like the big thing was like doing like i said long when you do like a full show and people almost are never upset because they see the full thing they had the whole meal you know what i mean right right i see what you do like you said you make fun of yourself you make fun of all these groups it's kind of like you can't really say like i'm offended because you're being selective about

the one thing right you give it evenly you give it across the board yeah yeah and and you sort of see that there are not no sake there's nothing sacred no subjects are sacred yeah i mean you have to have people that get fucking heated with things that you say right all the time i mean not necessarily really pretty easy going yeah i mean i've had a few people get upset at me at uh some of my gay jokes. Oh, really? That's a big one? Well, I used to have this whole thing about defending it.

Like, I have no problem with gay people. But you can't tell me it's not funny when guys want to fuck guys. It's just funny. Did you get upset about that? Yeah. Well, I did this whole bit about Brokeback Mountain. That was one of my favorite unintentional comedies ever. Because I fucking, and this is true i laughed

my ass off in that movie i thought it was really funny all the sex scenes yeah and you know and people were you know i've had people tell me that that's a it's that the bit is homophobic and i'm like it's not homophobic because homophobia is phobia it's like you're you're saying you fear gay people or you have an a hate towards gay. It's a lot of times interpreted that way. It's not saying that you don't think it's funny. No, I have no fear, no hate. But you can't tell me things aren't funny. Look, everyone's funny. Physical defects are funny.

I have a friend who's seven foot tall. When I stand next to him, I look like a child. That's funny. I mean, it's funny. It's funny because I'm short. I mean, it is funny. I mean, there's no getting around that. When I watch two guys kiss each other, I think it's fucking hilarious. I don't think you should stop doing it because I think it's funny because I'm short. It is funny. There's no getting around that. When I watch two guys kiss each other, I think it's fucking hilarious.

I don't think you should stop doing it because I think it's funny, and I'm not going to mock you openly. I'm not going to roll down the window, kiss him more, you fucking queer. I was in Hollywood leaving the comedy store, and I was going towards Santa Monica Boulevard. I was going down to Jerry's deli to get some food and you know that area where la cienega is and santa monica is like boystown yeah yeah yeah everything to the right everything west yeah everything west is as gay

as can get man and there was these fucking two guys and they both had their hands on each other's belt loops like crisscrossed yeah i you know He had his hands on one guy and the other guy, and I'm sitting in the car, and they're rubbing crotches together and sort of leaning back and bracing each other by rubbing dicks together, and I'm like, whoa! And then they started kissing, and I swear to God, I had to roll up the window, man.

I had to roll up the window, and I'm biting my lip. It's hilarious. It's funny. It doesn't mean you should stop doing it. Enjoy the fuck out of it do do whatever you want to do but you can't tell me that all sorts of things are funny all sorts of things are funny even if they make you feel uncomfortable because you don't like the fact that people think it's funny that you like to fuck guys right but it is funny man yeah it is there's a funny video you need to watch you'll laugh your ass off it's called vampire boys it's a movie about these vampires to watch. You'll laugh your ass off. It's called Vampire Boys.

It's a movie about these vampires, and they're all gay. I'm laughing already. I don't think that they're supposed to be 100%. I don't know, but I saw the preview the other day on a movie, and it was just the most hilarious thing ever. It's not a gay movie? I think it is, because there's one point where the two vampires do kiss, but I don't think they're all supposed to be gay, but I think all the actors they picked are gay. Wait a minute, the vampires are men and they kiss?

So they are supposed to be gay. Here's the poster of it. It's a goddamn gay porno, Brian. These guys, they're all like Chippendales dancers. Their shirts open up and shit. It's so fucking hilarious. Did you watch it? I just watched the preview and I laughed my ass off the whole time did you get hard just slightly a little bit a little bit what about the

midget joke do you ever feel bad telling the midget joke because you and i have talked about your midget bit before you asked me once when we smoked weed you know you smoke weed you get real sensitive yeah when you said to me do you think i should stop doing that joke you were like it was pretty like you're like it is kind of mean like it does they can't help it they can't help it yeah it's not like they're stupid or it's not like they you know they're they're cheap it's not like they're they're making some stupid choice you know i've never gotten i have gotten uh approached about it before um and i did have a family breakdown one time at a show uh the regular size people uh came up to me and the woman was crying hysterically because their son was a dwarf wow and it like destroyed them and they tried to

watch the rest of the show and they couldn't and like uh the manager was like were they just too short to see the stage no they uh they you know they they should have edited yourself there you should have thought about saying it and go, that's not really that funny. The guy came up to me after the show and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? I was walking to the back of the room and I was like, what's up, man? He was like, that was a very funny set. You're really funny. I was like, oh, thanks a lot, man.

And like the set had gone really well. I thought it was somebody who was like, I just like you a lot. And I was like, cool. And he was like, oh, just one other thing. I was like, thing i was like what's that he's like yeah my son is a dwarf and i was like ah and i was like yeah and i'm just looking at him he's just standing there looking at me and i was like this guy gonna hit me like what's he gonna do i was like yeah he goes um i go i get it man like it's offensive to you and he goes no it's not offensive to me it's offensive to him and who he's gonna be And I was like

Alright and he's like I know what you're thinking Like they all become doctors or lawyers Or whatever like they'll make a good life for themselves But I know I was like I'm not gonna say anything Midgets all become doctors or lawyers That's what he said First time I've ever heard that maybe that's what he uses at work

But then he goes he says that and then he goes Yeah they all become doctors or lawyers Not that fucking criminal you got at least he's not a faggot uh he goes he goes uh but anyways really funny stuff i'm like oh cool like like he had to tag it with but you know i'm a fan and i was like all right and then i kind of linger in the back and then like 10-15 minutes later i see the same man and a woman who I have to assume is his wife. And she's all fucking bawling to the manager. I see the manager like nodding like, mm-hmm. And she's like, he's a fucking asshole.

And I was like, that's about me. So I just dipped out. And then. God, you're a heartbreaker, Tom. The guy, the manager told me, he's like, yeah, you know, I offered them free tickets. But then as they're about to leave, I go, oh, hey, by the the way, I can't guarantee the next guy won't do something like that, too. Like, you had to remind them that I don't have, like, a midget calendar and a non-midget calendar, like, to know, like, who's coming to town and what they're going to talk about. And I was like, you should have just given them tickets to see Brad. That would have fucking solved everything.

Yeah, that's true. Brad Williams. Who's that? A little person. A little person. So I, that's that's you know that was pretty like but do you do you think about not doing it after that i think about not doing it like just because i did it once in australia and they also included that like about how mean it was

and like and the guy was like it's kind of hacky so i was like i'm just not doing it the rest of this trip so i just didn't do it again there right And now it's to the point where I do get bored. I closed with it for so long that I'm just bored of saying it. So I'm not closing with it anymore. I just do something else. So for me, I don't really feel bad about it. I just feel tired of saying it. Would you do it in a room full of midgets?

If it was just midgets? Just midgets. No one but. No one but. A whole audience full of midgets. If you guys were in the wings like, do it, I would do it. Notice how Tom made us the enablers? But just, I don't think I would do it just to, if I had a room full of just midgets.

It would be fun. It would be a fun story to tell about the brawl afterwards or something, but I don't know if I would do that. I have one joke that I do edit if certain people are in the audience, and it's a fat joke. Really? Yeah, I did this line about Vegas that, you know, the thing about Vegas is you've got to know when you're going to sleep. The moment you must go to bed is when you see the first fat girl walking barefoot carrying her shoes. Yeah, yeah, it's funny.

Everything after her is a mistake you had to edit could you see i see him and i feel bad and i've said big girls i've said big girls but really i should just stop saying it i've said black girls too and the kids do you have different laughs yeah they're like see the first black girl walking barefoot carrying their shoes the people i know you're like what do you know what are you saying i'm just trying to get around this show get around a fat joke i've've actually, you know, it's funny. I've had fat lines before, and I'm fat. And I've felt bad.

Right. Like, I've seen somebody who's way fatter than me. Do you say that you're fat, though? Do you joke about it? In this particular joke, no. And so I'll just kind of like, I'll just jump around it. Because I'll feel bad. Because I've said it before and seen a really obese, fat person.

Right. And I'm like, man, I just crushed that person. Yeah. And they can't even be like, fuck you, you're fat. Because I'd be like, you're 600 pounds. Right. You're ready. You're ready.

You got your comeback line. Yeah. So I felt bad for that. That's Eddie Bravo and the Falcon line. Remember that? What's that? Eddie got mad at Joey Diaz once. Because Joey Diaz and the Falcon line. Remember that? What's that? Eddie got mad at Joey Diaz once, because Joey Diaz is the master of the one-liner. Yeah.

You know, and Eddie had this, you know, Eddie, like, changed his look over the years and became much, when he focused on his music, became much more rock and roll style. Yeah, yeah. And he had this big bracelet on that was this leather bracelet. And, you know, they're stylish. People like wearing them, whatever. But Joey Diaz, he's like, what are you waiting for a fucking falcon i remember i laughed so hard but he got eddie got mad eddie goes fuck you you're 300 pounds we were like whoa whoa right to a fat joke yeah we had to like go come on man yeah come on he

just joked on your wristband and yeah you're all you're getting all upset and going right after his weight do you know what by far by the way got the most backlash ever for me by far i mean of all the negative response i've ever gotten 90 of it it's from my bike riding joke really but i mean oh hands down i saw that online i saw that online a lot of people were angry they wanted to fucking kick your ass Oh my god dude I got tons of emails And your joke is about how arrogant people are with bikes A lot of bike riders They do Are arrogant

Yeah And I mean look That's just the statement I make And there's a joke to elaborate with it One of the things I imply in the joke is like Essentially hitting somebody with my car right Right But it's one of like

A lot Because it's a bit it's like a three minute bit right so what dude i'm talking like you fucking piece of shit like you deserve to die i bet you can't even ride a bike you fat fuck like all these like i mean like dozens of emails of like you're the fucking worst person ever like and i was i didn't realize a how big that like the a that would strike a chord at all but then there's this whole cycling movement yeah community hardcore yeah that also feels threatened by car like drivers like that that's a real issue i didn't realize i was hitting on a real issue i

was just talking about the way that like i've had cyclists i've had cyclists kick my car when i'm uh like driving down the street because they felt like I veered into the lane. You know what I mean? Just like shit where I felt like they'll shut off an intersection or drive in the middle of the street. I just feel like some of them ride their bikes arrogantly. I feel like they could be more aware of the surroundings and the way that people in cars have to be careful too. And it's more a commentary on that. Dude, so much fucking hate mail.

So much hate mail. It was in your Comedy Central special, right? But it didn't air in the special. It only aired on the online promotion. Really? So they just aired a clip. Were you responsible for the editing of the special? No, no.

They were. They were, yeah. So the clip is online and the clip got me hundreds. I was so happy that I was responsible for the editing of my own special. Oh, yeah. That would suck if you couldn't edit your own shit. How come they didn't work that in for you?

They let you, when you get off stage, when you do a... Half hour or an hour? Half hour. When you do a half hour and you get off stage, you get to go... You have a meeting with a producer right away. Immediately off stage. Right. They're you know what did you like the most what did you like the least how many sets did you do just one oh just one yeah yeah that's rough they give you a fucking i mean in in their you know defense they give you a really hot room a really hot crowd

but they have to do it one set if it's a half hour and they're doing, how many did they do a show? Three? They do two per audience and they ship out the audience. But they let you, they give you a lot, like, they're like, you know, if you fumble your lines, like, we'll, you know, we'll go back. You can go back. You can, you know, you can do, go back to something you thought didn't work right.

You can try saying it again. Like, they try to help you. You say it again. Well, I didn't, but like, they saying it again like they try they try to help you you say it again well i didn't but like they offer that they offer that they offer it they're like if you go you know i was whatever walking into the store and you just like slip up you got the store and you sound stupid then you can be like i want to take that from the top again and you and you say that to the audience yeah yeah that's so weird it is weird but the audience is so coached and so on board with the

concept that it's not like you're doing it at like a club or something like they're like they understand that they're there just for you to do this uh it's looking more and more like i'm doing my next one in vancouver that's the fucking best yeah i'm looking i'm trying for june we're working on all the details right now but uh if i can make now. I've got a venue and it'll probably be on Thursday night in Vancouver. The weekend that the UFC is there, it's not set in stone. I'm definitely going to be doing shows there.

Most likely. And the tickets will be on sale by this weekend, hopefully. We're working on that right now. We've got the venue secured. Nice. One of my favorite cities, definitely. top for me top three comedy city in the world uh vancouver i love it i've done awesome there i've done a set at the the red rock whatever it's called the red robinson casino that i've done a set there but i've done

the club uh the comedy mix which is on barard street downtown multiple times and that is one of my favorite clubs. If you live in Vancouver, that club is awesome. I only did Yuck Yucks. It's the same venue, but they just used that name. The one that's at the bottom of a hotel? That's it. That is the shit. Remember that, how awesome that was? We just go

downstairs from your room, and boom, you're in the comedy club. They have like six nights a week they have shows. It's small, too, right? The capacity is $2.15, I think six nights a week they have shows. It's small too, right? Capacity is 215, I think. Maybe 210, 215. And I would say, I mean, for a weekend there, like the Friday, Saturday, I think you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, something like that.

Like almost every show is sold out, if not like 90% capacity. And then I found out that all the comics were like, oh no, Tuesday, Wednesday, it's always at least 80% full. So it's called The Mix now? It's called The Comedy Mix. The Comedy Mix. And there's no more Yuck Yucks? Or Yuck Yucks is a new location?

Yuck Yucks is still there. Essentially, they were licensing the name. Okay. So they were just using the name. It expired and they were just like, we don't want to license your name anymore. Yeah, why do it? You don't need it.

Yeah, so they're an independent league. Awesome name. Awesome name. That spot is so great. It's a fucking amazing club. That's where we met Pete Johansson. We did a bunch of shows with him there. Yeah, that's rad.

That's a great fucking town for everything. I've only done, I've done that and I've done the Red Robinson there at least once, I think twice. And I did another room that was just like a half an hour outside of town.

It's another casino. But I'll be doing a different place this time. And I'm looking to do two shows on a Thursday night. That's awesome. It's fun. It's like one of those things where it's just like the audiences are fucking awesome there. They're just great, comedy savvy. And they're high as fuck.

They're high as fuck. High as fuck, which makes for a way better crowd. Anytime you go to a stoner crowd, like Portland. How awesome is Portland? Probably amazing. Super stoner crowd. You done the Helium in Portland? No, no.

Oh my goodness. One of the greatest clubs ever. Oh, nice. Dude, I've never been handed more weed after a show. Never. Portland is the undisputed champion. How was Philly? Fucking awesome. You're just back was Philly? Fucking awesome.

You're just back from Philly. Fucking awesome. Oh, yeah, that's Helium 2, right? We did two shows on Thursday. We sold out every show. Two shows Thursday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. We did a full weekend. Yeah, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir. Nice. It was awesome. That's a lot. Food was eaten. Oh, yeah, we went off. We had a good goddamn time. It was chaos.

Nice. Philly's such a fucking wild town, too. It's so crazy because in Philly, everything's one way because it was all designed for horses. It's like these little narrow-ass streets in this big fucking city. Half the streets are these little tiny, and it's like the traffic and getting around is so difficult. Parking's ridiculous. It's impossible. What a fucking great town, though.

Did you ever watch Parking Wars? Parking Wars? On Annie. Oh, you had a joke's impossible. What a fucking great town, though. Did you ever watch Parking Wars? Parking Wars? On A&E? Oh, you had a joke about that. What did you say? I said, Parking Wars on A&E should be renamed When Black People Act Black. Are they fighting over parking spots? Is that what it's about?

That show is great. What is it? It follows meter maids, like meter maids in Philly. So the Philadelphia Parking Authority. Wow. And basically, it just follows them. They take you on their beat, and then they're writing tickets, and the people are like, fuck you, man!

Just yelling shit to them all the time. I was here with my... I just ran in to do this. So there's always, always confrontation, always conflict. And then cars getting towed or booted. I just ran in to do this. So there's always, always confrontation, always conflict. And then cars getting towed or booted. And, I mean, the conflict gets really, the confrontation is really escalated. Has anybody been attacked?

I've seen, like, I've seen a guy who was getting the boot put on his car. You know, the yellow thing that keeps your car can't drive after it? Right. They had, like, half of it on. A guy got in his car and drove with it, like half on his car, like dragging. Whoa. Like push the car in front of it and everything.

Like people lose their minds when they're about to lose their car. And also when they go to get their cars that were towed. Like fucking just freak out, man. Because then when you go pick up your car, if it's been towed, you have to get square on all your other stuff that maybe had nothing to do with getting towed so you had parking tickets you got to show registration and current insurance oh you don't realize how many people are not insured so they'll

be like oh i got yeah and they're like where's your current insurance and they're like i have it and they're like all right we need them to fax us like that you have insurance and then people just fucking there's so much yelling on that show it's really is it good yeah oh my god it's so and they put like marathon it's on a and e it's called parking wars yeah my latest obsession is that show coal coal coal what's that show it's about coal miners it's all it's on spike tv it's all following these coal miners into these fucking mines oh that's crazy dude the mines this is how they work it it's like a building you know how you see buildings and there's beams inside the building

to support the structure of the building and then inside those beams is rooms yeah that's what they do in mountains they cut in they'll cut out a room and then they take a left turn they leave like pillars yeah you know and then they cut out this room and then they leave a pillar and they do that through the entire fucking mountain but you're talking about some incredible amount of weight that's being distributed and who knows how much of it is even and how much of it is

air pockets or water or coal as opposed to heavy stone and dude they fucking collapse on people. Some guy's missing just the other day. There was some miner in I believe it was Idaho who turned up missing. chilean thing right like how horrifying it's terrifying yeah scary shit man they were down there how long two three months a long time man they were down there a long time yeah yeah it's scary but the mind thing the creepiest part about

it is that they're they're under like they're in these rooms that are like three feet tall so you're hunched yeah and it's all darkness and shit and then you're you've got this machine that's just chipping away and pulling out the coal and there's dust and there's nowhere for the dust to go i mean it goes right in your fucking lungs man i mean they're they're breaking this stuff down like you're looking at this like man what if you were living in west virginia what if you had no other options what if you know your family was coal miners and everyone's stupid and by the time you're 18 you're already hooked on oxycontins and before you know it you're fucking chipping away at the side of the mountain yeah yeah it's a freaky fucking show yeah that's um i gotta watch that

it's a good one on spike yeah it's a good one check that out it's a good one just for the claustrophobia factor yeah i was watching i was saying they should make a movie where there's a monster movie inside a coal mine oh yeah like the scariest movie ever would be a giant dick with shark teeth that chases you around a coal mine that would be that would be the that's so homophobic of you joe i know totally a lot of act a lot of act is very offensive very offensive make it black so it hides in the shadows Let's just end this bitch Have we been doing this

For two hours? We've been doing this For about two hours, right? Damn Alright, ladies and gentlemen Tom Segura Where can people see you? Let's see

Next I will be Next week I'll be doing A few spots at the Comedy Magic Club In Hermosa Beach Nice And then I go The first weekend in May

To the Improv In Fort Lauderdale At the Hard Rock Casino. And is it TomSegura.com? It is TomSegura.com. TomSegura.com. Follow Tom on Twitter, T-O-M-S-E-G-U-R-A. Again, we're sorry about the last episode, but we hope we made up for it in this one.

Subscribe to Tom's podcast. It's Your Mom's House. Or just subscribe to Death Squad on iTunes. We're going to do one Wednesday. Yeah, doing one Wednesday. How many of them are you doing a week? I'm trying to do one a week. You did two last week.

And you do them with Mrs. Segura, and it's called Your Mom's House? Yeah, as many. I mean, we try to do them when we're together as much. She did one at his studio. Why Your Mom's House? I don't know. I just, like, always, you know, I want to open a restaurant called Your Mom's House so that if you ask me where I'm going, I can really say I'm going to Your Mom's House.

I don't know. I just think it's stupid and funny. Okay. We had Mary Carey on today on the Naughty Show podcast. Was it funny? It was pretty interesting, man. She told some crazy stories. Is she still working in the business?

Mary Carey, for those who don't know, ran for governor of California at one point in time. She has some good ideas. She actually has some good ideas. She does girl-girl and solos now. She does feature dancing. But she told some crazy stories About like Ball Winner Day

And about this basketball player Is she sober now? Yeah Ball ring Ball ring She had some Serious She was on

Celebrity Rehab Celebrity Rehab We were on the airplane With her Me and Ari Shafir And she had a Bottle of pills And she's pouring Xanax

Into her hands She's going One, two, three, four Shit Do you guys have any Xanax into her hands. She's going, one, two, three, four. Shit. Do you guys have any Xanax? Did she really? Yeah, she had eight Xanax in her hand.

She was like, it's not enough. Wow. I was like, yeah, Joe said that he was on the airplane with you and he goes, she goes,

oh yeah, he was on those pot brownies or something. Like a problem. Yeah, those pot brownies. He was on those pot brownies. Fucking with my Xanax. All right, folks, we'll be back tomorrow

Tuesday same bad time 100th episode Tomorrow's the big one It's probably just going to be me and Brian With snowflakes We're going to get high as fuck Alright we love you guys Thank you very much

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