The Joe Rogan Experience - End of the World (Live from the Comedy Store)

Episode Date: November 9, 2016

Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope, and Bill Burr are joined by a rotating group of comedians on November 8, 2016, as results of the election are coming in.

What's up? That's it. Do we have power? Yes, yes, yes. The Machine, ladies and gentlemen. This Friday night on Showtime, Bert Kreischer, Douglas, Douglas, me boy!

Doug Stanhope. I almost married him in the early 2000s. If Marilyn Manson wants to come out, he can come out. Bill Burr's here. Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. Bill Burr. Come on. Because I stutter, Bill Burr just got bumped for Chrysler.

There you go. I'm over here. There's more mics. There's more mics. I'm coming. Test, test, check Greg Fitzsimmons is coming Where are you sitting?

Joey Diaz is coming Joey Diaz is coming? Joey Diaz is coming You told me Alright, it's not his thing It's not his thing It's not his thing A lot of people are coming

We're watching Hey, Greg Fitzsimmons There we go Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen Greg Fitzsimmons everybody Greg Fitzsimmons ladies and gentlemen Greg Fitzsimmons Greg's gonna start drinking tonight Rogan

It's over This is all I have All I have is a fake smile And an opener You wrote something? No this is a text I sent to you last week. Oh, okay.

When I was at, I thought, the worst day of my life until today. And I came to town to try to organize this. And I don't know what the fuck. I can't live stream. What is it I... You have a sports car. I can't talk. talk. So this is what I sent to Rogan

at the depths of what I thought was the worst hangover ever. We're all adults, folks. This is bullshit. Even worrying about this is bullshit. It's all stage smoke. A guy with cotton candy hair. This is what I wrote to Rogan a week ago.

Hang on, I got a date right here. You want to hit that, Bill? I wrote a lot of shit. Take a little pull. I'm in a serious panic mode and really want to bail on it, meaning this. I think it's a great idea, but I have no idea how to organize it, and it's so close. The Comedy Store gave us the day, and i don't want to fuck them over but i don't know how to make this work i fucked up and don't know how to put it together

i don't want to put all this on you but i don't want to be the guy responsible for an abortion but so far only you and a vague bill burr have committed I want to fake a stroke to get out of ruining it save me P.S. it's been a long week Rogan wait Rogan

very succinctly writes back well figure oh fuck I'll handle it. Don't sweat it. It's nothing. We show up. We drink. I smoke pot. We talk. Easy.

Immediately, everything's fine. Fucking Rogan says it's good. It's good. It's good. Well, I can speak for somebody that wrote on the Man Show. Yeah. You two guys.

Oh, really? Do you still get hate mail from them? No. The writers. No one. No, but I can say there was very little preparation. And there was some funny fucking monologues that were on that show. We had some fun.

Yeah. You don't need preparation, man. Sometimes you do, like right now. Well, I had that. Feel that? That weird lull? I like that Doug says in the email, I don't want to be the guy responsible for an abortion, but he's totally had abortions

that he's paid for. Bert Kreischer bringing it down. Plus, when Donald Trump becomes president, you're a fucking criminal. Another abortion. He draws it at eight. I don't want to be the, you're a fucking criminal. He made another abortion. He's coming for it. Another. He draws it at eight.

He draws the line. for a plethora of abortions. By the way, if you thought this was going to be about the election, no. It's the end of the world either way.

Yeah, and if you guys cared, you wouldn't be here. I do have to, I have to do this. Brent Erickson! Erickson, we do have our breaking news guy. Brent Erickson, fantastic comic, is

actually having to watch the CNN coverage. So if anything actually does matter, he'll run out and be breaking news. He has a laptop. Yep. He's got a laptop back there and he's watching it. He's all fucking around.

That's right. That's why he's got his laptop. We could just do four hours of birth pressure. Do you have any TV screens? Are there any laptops? What are we going to do out there? It's very hasty. Hastily thrown together.

Yet planned for months. You texted me about this easily in August. Easily. You talked about it with me a year ago. A year ago he came up with it. I thought everyone would say no. I think everyone doesn't like me. When he returned my text, I was scared.

That girl just went, aw. Aw. That's adorable. Yeah, so there's an election. It doesn't matter if you care about who gets. It kind of does. What matters the most is that no matter who wins, we're all of us really alike. Okay.

I mean, it's not good. You know, if Trump wins... When Obama won, didn't you feel like, wow, this is some new shit. A guy who can form full sentences, went to actual schools. That's very racist. He's articulate.

He's very articulate. I mean, as opposed to George Bush, you fuck. That's how I took it. We were happy. We were happy we got this really articulate, intelligent guy that's reasonable. Although, you know what he does on election day? It's a tradition, not making this up.

He plays basketball on election day. Good for him. I heard that on CNN today. Good for him. Oh, that's why talk shows actually have screeners and go, hey, what are you going to say at what point? That's what talk shows are. Hey, Fitzsimmons, you have an interesting story about... You could be like Byron Allen on that late night show.

Oh, and speaking of something completely different, Bill Burr, you like to water ski. Oh, absolutely. I've been water skiing for years. Funny you brought that up, and here's my anecdote that fits perfectly right before the commercial. Don't forget to segue to Kreischer with something completely different. Friday night, Bert Kreischer,

The Machine, on Showtime, 11-11. Write it down. Thank you. Respect to The Machine. I get a cut of the nachos, so get some nachos. They're very good. They squeeze that by hand, that sauce.

I feel about nachos at the comedy store the same way I feel about whoever the fuck wins president. All right. You got to do what you got to do, man. If the president really affects your life, you've made poor choices. Or you met him. What if you met that guy? Did you see that Jon Stewart thing?

We're fucking 50 years old. We're old dudes. Did you see the Jon Stewart thing? We're fucking 50 years old. We're old dudes. Did you see the Jon Stewart thing? Your muscles don't know it, but we're old dudes. Jon Stewart did some veterans show, and on the veterans show, he read out this tweet exchange that he had with Donald Trump. It's like in his act now. It's fucking hilarious. And Donald Trump tweets him at 1.30 in the morning, little Jon Stewart is a pussy and will be hopeless in a debate with me.

And he's a liar because he changed his name. That's the best joke because he goes, his real name's Jon Stewart. Or his real name's Jon Steinenberg or whatever. Leibowitz. And then Jon Stewart wrote back, that's right, and Donald Trump's real name is Fuckface Von Stickowitz. Von Clownstick. Fuck. Von Clownstick. Yeah, Von Clownstick. Fuckface Von Clownstick.

And he doesn't know why he won't embrace the Von Clownstick heritage. And at the end of it, at 1.30 in the morning, Trump tweets him. At 1.30 in the morning. Little Jon Stewart is a pussy. And would be hopeless in a debate with me. I wouldn't even do that. I'm going to... I'll be the...

Dude, that means he was walking around talking to himself. Yes! They debriefed him for the next presidential thing, and he goes, all right, I will see you later. And he closed the door. He's walking around in his gold-toed socks in his fucking hotel room. Fucking little jerk-off would say,

I'm a fucking asshole. He's fucking good. He had probably some woman there going, Donald, don't go on the internet. Don't go on the internet. Fuck this. Fuck this shit. I'm not taking this shit from him. It's fucking liberal media.

I'm fucking tweeting this thing out. Dude, fuck you. He probably like pressed it all down. No, what's worse is he was really. I do that. He was doing that. I do that. It was his assistant following him around.

No, say this. No, don't hit send yet. Say this. I'll crap you by your pussy. No, no, no. I'll fucking... Don't hit send. Don't hit send.

Yes, Mr. Trump. I'll crap you by your pussy. That's going to have the red phone. That's going to have the red phone, dude. Him and whatever, Vladimir, whatever that fucking Russian dude's name is. They're like vibing. You wait until one time when it's fucking off. He'll call them on the red phone.

I'm never going to open my mouth when Bill Burr speaks. I think we're going to find out if that guy can really do anything. We never really knew if the president can actually do anything. Because they always seem to promise one thing and they get in office and it's a totally different deal once they're inside. We're going to find out with this guy. If he really gets in there, he's going to start talking shit.

From inside the White House, talking shit about how the government works so they won't do his bidding. It's going to get really fucking weird. You're going to hear that song by Bachman Turner, Overdrive. You ain't seen nothing yet.. You ain't seen nothing yet. You just ain't seen nothing yet. It shows you how fragile this group of people really is. This weird group of people that we call America. We're about to elect a douchebag.

Either way. Like, verifiable. But upside Joe is, we'll probably get to see an assassination. Oh, whoa, hey, hey. We know. I can't believe he went there Friday. 11, 11. Here's an update.

Wisconsin is. Brian Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman. Oh, Wisconsin's now blue. Close. What do we got? Oh, oh, oh. Oh, the upper peninsula of Michigan. I've done that game.

This is our breaking news guy, Brett Erickson. What do you have for us? This just in. Burt Kreischer's special, Friday night, Showtime. America rejoices. Way too fucking high for this. November 11th. America rejoices. Way too fucking high for this. November 11th.

And Gary Johnson is at 3.7% in Wayne County. Gary Johnson. You were supposed to get Gary Johnson on this thing. I had him on the podcast. We lost him to CNN. The second time you and I were supposed to do a podcast together with Gary Johnson, he was all in, but we lost him to CNN. I voted Gary Johnson.

Why? Because he follows me on Twitter. And that's reason enough. There you go. Yes. Come on, ladies. You tell me to stop thinking with my dick, stop voting with your vagina. Or vote Jill Stein.

That map looks like somebody hit one of those avatar people with a truck. I'm just killing me all the college dudes. This is one flat blue thing and a splatter of non-readers. You can turn that towards you.

I wanted Greg Fitzsimmons to see this. Greg, you recognize all those are all Bass Shuler territories. Remember that? We had this college agent, great guy, but he used to book us in the middle of fucking nowhere. He'd always call me up. Billy, Scott Bass calling. I have a gig for you in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. Now, they don't have a lot of money, but I can build around it.

There won't be a stage. It's at 12 noon in a hallway. Can you do it? And I would always take it, and then I'd call him, and I'd be yelling at him, I'm never fucking doing one of those gigs again. And he would just sit on the ropes,

just going, yeah, you will. You're broke. You're on a futon. There's a guy, there's an agent that's so sharp, he's in Chicago, and I call him up. He's great, dude.

I don't want to trash him. No, he's great, but here's how sharp he is. Yes, you do. I call him up, and I go, Louis C.K. needs a college agent. And this is like, Louis had already had a special or two, but he wasn't quite there, and he goes, he's too old. I call him to this day going, you fucking idiot. Remember when you sent him the map he kept getting him gigs in like south dakota and wyoming he was living in new york he sent him a map of the united states

encircled manhattan he goes i live here they could never get us a gig in new york barry katz had it all fucking sewn up oh my god christ i. I got a gig in Grand Junction, Colorado. Dude, I remember being half asleep driving like 90 in the wrong direction in Colorado trying to make this fucking gig. And this dude in like a Bronco drove right at me with like a little blue light. Pulls me over. He gets out. All he has on is the cop shirt. He's got like jeans and no hat.

And he walks up and he punches the window he goes get it out like yelling at me i'm like is this guy gonna fucking shoot me it's a fucking lunatic and then i had to turn around to go up to where the fuck greely where they really they got they got a fucking uh where they slaughter pigs and shit they actually had bad smell days where you'd call the slaughterhouse and be like, hey, can you take it easy a little? Just slow it down. The smell of dry slaughter makes my daughter cry.

Pig shirt alert. Can you do it? I can build around it. Yeah, I got you at noon in Wisconsin. That night, North Dakota. It's a nine-hour drive, but if you leave right after the gig, they give you the check beforehand.

You can make it. Sorry, this is just getting so inside. The laughs are just dropping. That's okay. Doug forced me into a gig called Mermaids. Hang on. They're talking about these gigs like they're the old days.

We just both played a fucking Seahouse two weeks ago. A seafood restaurant in Fayetteville, fucking Arkansas. There's a sign next to the restaurant that says, free dogs. This month. Free dogs. I got one for you. I did one in Cheyenne, Wyoming. They had a drive-thru liquor store

That was connected to a strip club So you're looking in And you're seeing the dancers walking around The guy's just sliding What can I get for you? It's fucking awesome For the record The drive-thru is in

You can get a mixed drink in Wyoming In a drive-thru But they put a cover on the drink And put tape So you're wasting it It's a sealed beverage in the drive-thru, but they put a cover on the drink and put tape, so you wait to get home. It's a sealed beverage. By the way,

that's 30 minutes of me doing this. Like a polar bear trying to get more Explorer boxes. I thought you were dead with a bunch of paper cuts in your lip. Four weeks ago. When Joe and I started out in a club called

Nick's Comedy Stopped, it may or may not have been mob run. And the back of the club was prostitutes, because it was in the red light district. They'd come in out of the cold and cops, shoulder to shoulder, watching comedy. That was a crazy place.

I missed all the good days. By the time I got there, it was like the whole boom was over. I did a shitty gig once. It was a one and done. Boston Comics. We're never going to get a word in. Remember Lenny Clark? I know.

We're trying to shout over your sport coat. That was low. You know I love you. I'm tender. Lenny's brother, Mike Clark, booked me on a ton of gigs. And one of them was in a restaurant. And it was a seating area. It's like the area where people seated and waited for their name to be called.

This giant fish place down in the Cape. And your sound system on stage was connected to the wire system. Of course it was. So the PA system, and they all used the same speaker, but they would override you. So you'd be in the middle of doing a joke. Johnson, party of two, your table's ready. Johnson. Defrane.

And you would just stand there and wait. And they would go back in again a second time. It was a one and done. I did a gig at a Red Lobster. It was like a Sunday night and there was all these families eating they had their bibs on and shit and we're in the corner we're just in this little roped off corner hey fucking fuck fucking into this mic and it's people just looking over like what is that is that part of the restaurant it was just like no you want angry waiter and you wanted to laugh at the person

going on in front of you but like you couldn't get past the fact that I have to do that in 10 minutes. When he's done, that's going to be me. So you can never totally fucking enjoy it. But anyways, Trump has 2.3, and Clinton has 1.8 in Ohio. Oh, my God. Holy shit, dude. Every time I look, it's Trump. He's going to win Ohio. I was just in Dayton last week. That, my God. Holy shit, dude. Every time I look, it's a total. He's going to win Ohio.

I was just in Dayton last week. That doesn't help. Plug doesn't help. That's a good barometer, though. Honestly, when I made it in comedy was when I could turn down Dayton, Ohio. Lisa Grigsby. That's so funny. That was my same turn down.

Fuck you guys, okay? I was there last fucking week, and they papered the room. Brigsby. That's so funny. That was my same turn down. Fuck you guys, okay? I don't get it. I was there last fucking week. And they papered the room. Everybody is trying to status quo. And they papered the room. Those are like the worst words ever. They misread my contract.

And I got in the car after Bob and Tom. And I go, how's the week look? And they go, fucking fantastic. We're oversold on every show. And I went, when did I blow up? And then we got there. And they were like, yeah. and they papered the whole room and no one paid for tickets. And I was like, motherfucker. I get 75% of nothing.

Are there comedians, comedians in the house? If you're here, the front room of Jokers in Dayton. Jokers in Dayton. Home of the ultimate bachelorette party. Which is the death knell of comedy but they sell and they would sell dildo hats and shit oh the worst fucking club ever straws the second you saw him with the little dick straws you just like this fucking show is gonna be brutal I got hanging here for 45 fucking minutes you know people need a sitcom. I just needed to never have to work Dayton again. Could you imagine if men had

rubber vagina hats? Just imagine the brutal outrage of dudes running around licking fake pussies. They would probably look a lot like Donald Trump. I need a cigarette anyway.

Hey, this is how this goes. We have no fucking idea how this goes. But we're going to rotate a bunch of people in and out. We don't have to discuss this. I think they get it. I know. They get it. But I'm bringing someone in.

They're watching. It was a segue into bring that fucker in. Just bring him in. Jim Jeffries brought his stupid baby, but hopefully he doesn't bring it on stage. I didn't smoke on stage. You don't bring babies. Jim Jeffries brought his stupid baby, but he's... Hopefully he doesn't bring it on stage. I didn't smoke on stage. You don't bring babies. Jim Jeffries! Jim Jeffries! Alright. You know what?

He's not here. Fitzsimmons bailed. That was just... I need to bring my co-host in. He probably won't say shit, but I gotta have him on stage. Chad Shank. Chad. Cover for me.

I'll tell him. Trump's definitely winning. By the way, I will keep you up to breast. Oh, the kid's got. Oh, shit. The kid stays in the picture. I don't think this is the right kind of air for this child to be breathing. Chad Shank.

Hide the drugs. Chad Shank, Jeffrey's bought his kid. Hey, Jim, Jim, Jeffrey's bought his kid. Hide the drugs. I was just driving by with my kid, and I popped in very quickly. And he's being, you can come and sit on my lap. Do you want to come and sit on my lap? Don't let the kid touch the booze. Yeah, it's all right. I don't think it's legal. He's fucking, he on my lap. Do you want to come and sit on my lap? Don't let the kid touch the booze. Yeah, it's all right.

I don't think it's legal. He's fucking, he's my kid. Hey. I think we just violated the new laws. This is like that Hillary commercial where they have the little kids watching politics. I'm like, that's bullshit. Little kids don't watch politics. There you go.

It's all about the future. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm not comfortable with what we're doing. Trump's winning New Hampshire. Hillary's winning Virginia. Really? And there's a little kid here. Somebody decided it was a good idea.

Somebody please take a photo of this last supper. Here, here's my phone. I think this is illegal. I don't want that on. Why is it illegal? What's illegal about this? Having a baby on stage while people are drinking booze and smoking pot. It's not like we're fucking him.

Yeah, what am I, crazy? That would have been good to say off mic. Oh, they got some legality problems. Yeah. They left Brad Williams up here. Why not Hank? We're going to go, everyone. Sorry about that.

Sorry for losing the liquor license, comedy store. How's Australia looking at this point? This shit, sorry Alright, we'll see you guys See you buddy Jim Jeffries, ladies and gentlemen Alright Captain, questionable judgment

That was about as comfortable as putting a condom on in an orgy That's a good fucking line. I think that's totally illegal, right? You can't have a fucking baby on stage. While people are talking about eating fake pussies. That was before. I don't want to be responsible for that shit. I didn't.

But if the kid was in the fucking building. Will you shut up? Jesus fucking Christ. Off mic, dude. He's like every contractor I ever worked for. Hold on, my kids are calling. Hey, why don't you guys come down? Oh, shit.

All of that happened, thank God, before the child came out. Agreed? Agreed. You all saw it? Jesus Christ. There you go. Saw what? There's. You all saw it? Jesus Christ. They go, saw what? There's a good man right there. He did, but the joint's right there. I gotta say, these pictures, this is the best

picture of Donald Trump, best picture of Hillary Clinton, and best picture of the other guy I've seen throughout this entire thing. Donald actually has a nice smile. Hillary looks nice, you know? They always made him look like fucking lunatics. Did you guys see the picture of Donald watching his wife vote?

A lot of trust in that relationship. That's the same look I give my dog when he gets too close to my cat. What are you doing, motherfucker? Leave her alone. Oh, I got way too high for this podcast. No. You know that thing that you have to do to dogs? You have to do that to dogs.

To dogs, you have to be their best friend. But you have to love them to death. But every now and then, you got to go, hey, bitch. You don't have to hit them. Just go, listen, motherfucker. If you don't, they'll eat your cat, right? Hey, look who's back. Update time.

They've called Ohio. 18 electoral votes from Ohio go to Donald Trump. Oh, shit. America shits the bed. There you go. Is there going to be a few happy people here tonight? You know this This isn't a good

This isn't a good barometer of America Come on Hollywood and Sunset Can't we all agree this doesn't fucking work? I mean You can't have one guy Run the whole thing Hey Dean Del Rey Ladies and gentlemen Dean Del Rey, ladies and gentlemen.

Dean Del Rey. What's up, buddy? Yeah. You can't have one woman. You can't have one anybody run the whole thing. It's fucking crazy. It's some crazy alpha chimp position. We should have got rid of this fucking stupid job a long time ago.

It's not how you should ever run anything. You should never have one fucking person. Ladies and gentlemen, the most important person. It's me, you fucks. I run this bitch. That's a crazy position. Nobody should have that position, and most importantly, nobody should want that

fucking position. Yeah, but doesn't the Senate representatives and the balance there, they keep checks and balance? Vaguely remember that from my history class in like fifth grade. And then they send it to the thing. I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill. And it goes to the thing, right? And then they fucking go around.

Congratulations, Bill. Now you're a law. That's what keeps them in check. Bill Schoolhouse Rock. I think we should vote on the internet. I think we should vote on everything on the internet. I think everybody should collectively decide what the fuck we should be doing. The guy that was driving me an Uber tonight, I go, you following the election?

And he goes, yeah, a little bit i go you following the election and he goes yeah a little bit i said i said really and he goes yeah when did when does it start and i go i go it's today and he goes how long does it last till i go just today four quarters but here's here's my question like it lasts for like five fucking days. It's so complicated. He said a little bit. He literally meant a little bit. I want to be that guy, dude. That's a fucking great guy to be. You know what it is?

If you're all right with it, just like, when's the election? How long does it last? Really? I thought he was from... Oh, that's pisser. You just keep fucking driving. You just don't give a shit. He literally was like

so how do you get set up into doing being able to vote and I went when you get a driver's license and Mike you're driving fucking Uber

you definitely have a driver's license and then he goes he goes I probably did that and I go yeah but he had dark hair and big eyebrows and it's in the valley

so I go so where were you born and he goes in fucking Van Nuys. And I was like, you really don't know anything about this? He's like, not anything. That's your Uber driver. I was ignorant.

Why do we do it this way? I got to tell you something. Dude, if Trump wins, him just winning the nominee blows away anything I've ever seen in sports. The U.S. beating the Russians. It's just all pales in comparison. This is a reality TV show star who got mad at a breakfast because Obama trashed him. And he's like, well, I'll fucking do it. He's going to do it.

That's fucking amazing. Like it or not, that is some, you can't talk shit in the room with that guy yo one time this guy stepped me in the bar dude fuck you one time the president was giving me shit and i said oh yeah i'll have you a fucking job in two years and i did it and i fucking did it i'm fucking real man And I fucking did it. I'm fucking real, man. Don't like his policies, but you got to respect the Jesus. Hey, Bill, if you want someone to go on stage with you and just sit on a stool and laugh, I'll do it. So is this the fate of our nation that those little gray areas? Those bitches that, like, go late?

This is always what happens. The red guys do well in the middle. The blue people do all right in the beginning, right? With the East Coast, and then all of a sudden they get into the SEC, right? Going to be swapping some paint. Oh, nilly! Right? Then the red guys start coming back.

Then you get, hey, man, you start getting near the fucking ocean, man. I live near an ocean, therefore I'm smarter, man. And then that comes around and then it gets a little more blue. So this ain't over. This is not over by a long shot, ladies and gentlemen.

We shall see. I will say they are shitting on CNN right now. If you're watching at home, you want to put on CNN. You got to watch the channel where they're losing. That's the funny shit. Happiness is not enjoyable. You want to see nervousness, beads of sweat, blue ties being high. Wouldn't you like to take a peek at all the comics from the UCB's Twitter right now?

Oh, God. They're using their fucking minds. They're overdramatic. Oh, my God. Dramaticizing. Oh, my God. Is this the apocalypse? Hashtag, I'm with her.

Hashtag, I'm with her. Do you love me more? If anyone could do it, can you get Gary Johnson on the phone? Yeah. Gary. Gary. I'm sure he's busy as fuck. Gary.

Nothing. Really? Yeah. You have fucking ten times more Twitter followers than that guy. Yeah, but he's CNN's bitch now. You already got like 9% of the vote just from your Twitter followers. Oh, fuck me. I'm kidding about him being CNN's bitch.

I voted for him. But I couldn't get him, no. Arizona's pink. Dude's busy. Yeah, Utah's pink. You're busy when you're running for president. Sort of a band-aid color. I don't get him. Arizona's pink. Dude's busy. Yeah, Utah's pink. Sort of a band-aid color. I don't know what that means. That's such a great picture of Hillary.

When was that? The whole fucking election. That's fake. That's Photoshop. She's from MySpace. That's what Bill's saying. I like it. It's all lit. It's lightened up.

Bill's like, why didn't you look like this back in the 90s? That's like one of those mall portrait photographers in front of a shitty fake tree. That's a fucking great photo. That's like one of those mall portrait photographers in front of a shitty fake tree. That's a fucking great photo. It's not her.

So does anybody, what is the numbers here? 167 for Donald Trump, 122 for Clinton. He needs 270. Holy shit. He's 103 away. But he's kicking her ass.

I know, but as great as Obama was, did he ever call you? Did he ever check in on you to make sure you were okay? At the end of the day, it's on you. Who's packing your lunch tomorrow, people? You are. Who's putting food on the table?

You are, all right? You don't need these fucking people. It's fine. Haven't said that. This is amazing. Look at Michigan. He won Michigan. 49%.

Oh, dude, this is... She's got 45%. This is going to take a fucking hook and lateral, Statue of Liberty, and a Hail Mary. He's ahead in Wisconsin. To get this fucking thing going. He's ahead by two points in Wisconsin. Little razzle dazzle. You think he's going to win?

Huh? You think he's going to win? Yeah. It's entirely possible we're fucked. I told you. When we get to San Francisco and all of them, man, we'll see what happens. Seattle. Portland.

Portland. Are you saying there's a goddamn conspiracy, son? The conspiracy is that we still do it this way. Why don't we just have everybody have an opinion? Well, you know, we don't have a coaching buggy to take a fucking piece of paper across the country. Joe, haven't you done the road too long to believe that everyone should have an opinion? I Amazon one click. How come I can't vote like that?

I can buy toilet paper. They deliver it to your house in a day with one click. I can't vote like that? I can buy toilet paper They deliver it to your house in a day With one click I can bank I can do everything You can bank You can do whatever you want Fingerprint scan?

Fuck yeah, I don't give a shit Yeah, I did too You can't vote online, it's crazy They handle money online but you can't handle votes That's ridiculous I bought a car Part of it, they took out a thing. They wanted to take my thumbprint, my fingerprint.

Did you freak out? And I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that. I go, why would I do that? And they go, well, it's just to protect you in case somebody comes in and impersonates you to buy a car. It's like, yeah, I'm going to take my chances on that. Fucking moron. I'm going to get my fingerprint To a car dealership You guys are the biggest liars

In the world So you can stick it on Some date rape victim's forehead Get the fuck out of here Oh no Somebody bought a Chevy Cavalier In my name Oh fuck

There's no jail time on that It's just payments Gotta pay for an Escort GT. I'll do it. Fuck! Are you one of those guys that's afraid to use a thumb sensor on your cell phone? Do you have an older cell phone? I'm not afraid.

I just don't do it. You're afraid, man. What's the phone going to do? No, I don't use the cloud. I dropped my phone in a fucking toilet, and I lost everything. I lost all my videos, all my numbers, everything, because I don't use the fucking cloud. Whenever they say, is it okay if we see a location? No, it isn't.

When I go to those things, and they go, hey, you want a little savey save card? I say, no, I don't. Fuck off. Whenever they ask me questions, if I'm in the mood to answer, I give them misinformation. I go all over the place. All over the place. I'm in a gay relationship. I like deer hunting.

I just got back from Antarctica. Anything, just to throw them off the scent. Just make it a little difficult. What's your mother's maiden name? Wojohowicz. Barney Miller, big fan. Why would you help him? I don't know.

It makes life easier. That's a good point. It's undeniable. Bill's trying to recover his facebook password he's like what was my mother's maiden name no i got a great i have a great facebook page it's so great i almost stood up to tell it to you they fucking i go to change my password because i'm so sick of my you know having 58 of them right i'm like when i just pick three and just stick with that so i go all right i'm gonna change it then all of a sudden they send me an email they go yeah we lock this shit just in case it isn't you but if you want it you got to send us a picture

of you and like your fucking passport and it's just like yeah go fuck yourself i'm not doing that so for like a week i couldn't do it and then like 10 days, it was cool to be back on it again. Because they kind of were like, oh, he's not coming back. We need him. We need him. So he clicks on the top 10 worst celebrity boob jobs. So we make our money. How come they needed it 10 days ago, Joe, and all of a sudden they don't need it now?

And I'm on Facebook again. Why is that? Very good point as well. You're making some great points. I'm making tremendous points and I hear the sarcasm in your voice. No. No. No. He goes to Omrite.com. He smokes a little fucking weed and all of a sudden I'm the moron in the room.

Haven't said that. I still need that shoulder workout that you were telling me about. I worry about the fingerprint thing. It's weird. It's weird that you put your fingerprint on the phone. Gary Johnson just won Puerto Rico. Powerful Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico is like one strange child that you had with your mistress

that you don't really like to talk about, but you give them money? They're not really a state. It's more like a beautiful child that we have hid in the attic. That's probably the better description. You're right. But they're not really a state, right? But they're a part of the United States.

They were a group of people that were enjoying their lives and then we showed up, I think is what happened. Put a best buy in there and shit? I don't think they want to be a state. I have no idea about Puerto Rico. Good look at Pico. But it's one of those weird ones like Guam, where you're like, what's going on over here? Who owns this?

Is this you guys, or is it us? Who is this? Breaking news. Doug Stanhope with breaking news. breaking news doug doug stanhope with breaking news you know i know john king's pretty good at this on cnn but he doesn't fucking bar back at the same time i just want to say that he probably doesn't get tipped out either but i'm bar back in this fucker uh virginia 13 electoral votes go to hillary clinton Hillary Clinton 167 for Trump 122 for Clinton

The Sandals states are coming everybody The Bergensau states are coming This is going to be close Hey Rogan you want to be I know it's a bit early Hey how you doing be close. Hey, Rogan, do you want to be... I know it's a bit early, but... Hey, how you doing? How are you, man? Should we just bust his balls now

before he takes off? Who? He smells really... Can I introduce him? He'll just run ad nauseum, and I fucking love him, and he's the only person on this day that I could call and go he's still

more psychopathic than I am Chad Shank was napping but Marilyn Manson get your fucking stinky ass out here no no you don't have to leave that's it get your ass out here. Chad will bring you...

This show is going so much better than we had hoped. You know what? Let's go. We don't need any laptops. How fun is this? We're barely talking about the end of the world. He doesn't want to come up, but he's sitting right there. Marilyn, come on out.

I'll bring the entire crowd to you. I'll bring the crowd. to you i'll bring the crowd bill burr you out no i'm going to get another jameson all right good bill burr ladies and gentlemen that might be the funniest man alive. He's up there. It's him and Diaz that's in the running. This has been the hardest I've laughed in my life. And I know people don't like my laugh, so I've been holding the mic away from my mouth because I cannot shut the fuck up. People love your laugh. What are you talking about?

It's like my favorite thing about you. And this night couldn't be better. Where were you when you found out that Trump was the re-elected president? I was doing cocaine with Marilyn Manson. What a fucking night. Allegedly. Allegedly. We have another state that has declared Colorado.

Nine electoral votes go to Hillary Clinton. Oh, it's getting hot in here. She's coming back. 167 for Trump, 131 for Hillary Clinton. Oh, it's getting hot in here. She's coming back. 167 for Trump, 131 for Hillary Clinton. Wow. This whole thing is so bizarre. Is anybody rooting for anybody? Some women, all right.

Bill Burr to come back and Chrysler to keep laughing. That's all. And Joey Diaz. But he'll be here eventually. But do women want Hillary Clinton to win? Some of you do? Some of you do? Watch those girls very carefully.

I don't give a fuck, camp. Here's what's weird. You opened up smoking a joint up here, but Jim Jeffries got bailed out of this. You can't have a kid in here. We have a liquor license. This is the part of the show and nobody knew it was a joint until you just fucking ratted me out. I never even talked about it earlier. Baby, these are cigarettes.

Get the fuck out. You're allowed to smoke on stage in California. I know, but then the smokers see you smoking and then they want to go outside to smoke. Hey, real quick, real quick. I want to interject.

What's going on with Prop 64? Is that the... Is that... I think it's kind of halfway sketchy. He's calling you. He's right there. Hang that shit up. What is he? He's a grown man.

He's right there. He's a grown man. Tell him to come out here. How dare you? Come on out here, please. He's calling you. Please come out here. Come on, dude.

He's a fucking beautiful man. He's the only guy that could keep my sanity today. Oh, now they're doing interventions on Mance. Bert Kreischer, Friday night, showtime. 11, 11, 10 p.m. Is it 11 p.m.? No, 10 11, 11, 10 p.m. I keep saying, is it 11 p.m.? No, 10 p.m. Oh 10 p.m.

I keep saying 11, 11 Oh my god Joe, I was in such a panic tonight For other reasons I took an Adderall I go, I think I took this too late I'm gonna walk down I'm busting Manson's balls

Like, it's a block away We can just walk like fucking men I'm manning up I'm putting on a fake's balls. It's a block away. We can just walk like fucking men. I'm manning up. I'm putting on a fake comedy face to do this shit under extreme circumstances. You can walk down here and I know he's going to get on stage. And you know it's going to be...

When he gets on stage, it's going to go on and on and on. But it's going to be funny. I thought the dynamic of Manson and Rogan would be so treacherous. It was alarmingly

like almost like a high school reunion. Joe just walks up and he goes, Hey man, we met one time. It was like the coolest fucking thing in the world. Thanks, sir. Bill Burr, you were there cheers buddy no i wasn't there's no proof of that podcast with manson at his house with bingo with just no you know what's funny both you and him said that and you were so fucked up you don't remember i wasn't there he's claimed for 20 minutes that we've

met each other i've never met him you remember i was right as i was gonna say huge fan he goes yeah remember that time we were fucking hanging out i was like no no i don't remember i would have remembered that and manson was looking it up in his phone. No, I wasn't there. After that, I came out. When they say party like a rock star, he's the only rock star that really parties like a rock star.

So I'm trying to keep up. Oh, okay. I had to do your podcast. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. You're right. Fucked. As fucked as

I've ever been. I'm wearing that leisure suit. Remember the leisure suit? They all kind of blend together. Pants and jacket short matching. Hennigan pulls me out of bed with like 30 minutes sleep. Bingo's in a fucking crazed state. Airbnb. I tell Hennigan, put the top down. We're going to your place on

the fucking sticks. You both fucking do the valley shit. I show up and I was just reeking of booze. We were talking about this earlier. When you feel the heat coming off of you and you just think that's your imagination and then you put your sunglasses on and they fog up and you go, oh fuck. And I'm already seriously intimidated by Bill Burr and I'm doing his podcast

and I show up and I'm smelling so bad. The sound went out. I didn't know what I was talking about. As far as I remember, it went great. I never realized what a bundle of nerves you are. When are you going to stand in the mirror and say,

God damn it, I love you, Doug Stanhope. You're a genius comedian and you're worthy of all your success. Now, the end of that story is after Bill's Burrs podcast, he came to my house. That was the same day! Maybe I was hammered. I don't remember any of this. And he came early because he thought Burr's podcast would be three hours, and it's an hour.

And then he comes to my house, and my dogs are sniffing at my door. And I'm like, what the fuck? I open the door. Doug's sitting in one of my Adirondacks, shaking, smoking a cigarette. And he looks at me and goes, I could use a cocktail. And he looks at me and goes, I could use a cocktail. We did a five-hour podcast, interrupted only to have dinner with my children. It was one of the best days of my life.

After I got done with Burr, I went to his house and I was a new drunk now. Now it's the next night, even though I haven't slept. It's kind of like a new day. He's got the kids. He's got his own fun house. Yeah, and the garage. Yeah, my man cave. A TV show did that for you, right? Yeah, yeah, man caves.

That's why I called it man caves. I like children. If I had walked into a locker room and it was all black guys and they were like, look at that cock. I'd call my dick a cock all the time. So yeah, the man caves did it. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. How do those two sentences connect?

I don't know. I don't know. I know I'm not alone here, right? I'm high, but I'm not retarded. I don't know. Sometimes you just got to nod with Bert. I don't know Sometimes you just gotta nod with Bert It's weird how quickly he turns it to Black Cox

You know, like no matter what the topic is It's always funny Black Cox in the house? They're threatening Fear is funny It's always been funny Fucking Colin Speaking of fear

Holy shit, is he going to win Pennsylvania? That's, yeah. First rule of comedy, yeah. Back in the day. This is a scary... Pennsylvania's looking mostly red. We got to get Donald Trump on mushrooms. We can turn this bitch around.

We can turn this bitch around. Pennsylvania right now has not been called but it is uh right now 49 percent clinton 47 percent trump anybody outside of a child molester or murder is not irredeemable right there's a certain point we could bring them back just six six to ten dried grams in an isolation tank. Donald, we don't ask a lot of you, but we ask this one journey.

I'm not being a douche on my phone. I'm just seeing what Manson's trying to tell me. Do you have any fucking idea how awesome that would be if we could get Donald Trump tripping? Where if he can go, I'm so sorry. But look, now we can fix it. We can all fix it together. We're us now.

Not Dan. Have you given up? No, I haven't given up. Have you? This is fun. People are fun. I love people. Life is awesome.

Even if the thing's bullshit. I voted. It's probably bullshit. This will be the first time I didn't vote for the winner. I love people. Life is awesome, even if the thing's bullshit. I voted. It's probably bullshit. This will be the first time I didn't vote for the winner. Oh, yeah. I voted for the winner every time. That's right. Bush, twice.

I won money on Bush. Or once. I don't know how many times he did it. Well, if you'd have really voted for the winner, you would have voted for Gore the first time. Well, that was a weird one. No, no, no. I take that back. I take that back. I take that back.

That's the only time I didn't vote. And I was on a TV show, The X Show, and I said out loud on TV, I was like, my vote doesn't count. I'm not voting. Everyone don't vote. Besides, it's a write-in vote from Florida. And literally, my vote actually counted.

But not by 86 or something, but... Is that not an election? You ruined the future that is now? Al Gore won by half a million votes in the popular vote. That's how you know the system is broken. That's a lot of fucking people. A half a million people die in a fire,

and it's the worst tragedy in American history. That's a big fire. Yeah. You know what I'm saying big fire. Half a million people. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But half a million people, that's a lot of fucking human beings, chose him over Bush, and our system's so fucked up

that it doesn't recognize that discrepancy. That somehow or another, your patch of dirt is more significant than you as an individual, and us as a collective that can share our ideas, it's more important to have fucking electoral college. Bill Burr, you're witty retort. I don't have one.

I understand what you're saying. I agree with that. I agree with that. I don't like how the coasts look down on the Midwest. It's ridiculous. Like they're morons. They grow our food supply. They're not dumb. And they have the internet now. It's a different world. What do you think that food comes from?

Exactly. Comes from Joe Sixpack. He puts his fucking pants on one leg at a time. Right? Yes. Truck drivers. The food mostly comes from Jose Sixpack. If we're talking about who's picking the...

Oh, shit. I don't know if that's true. Panderer. That's true. No, it isn't. Looks like we got ourselves a liberal. I don't know if you see what's going on here. One of these motherfuckers is like pro-equality. Looks like we got ourselves.

Red with embarrassment for your political views. I see more blood and less avatar blue dude. That's good. You got to have a little rap with the blue, right? Who is that? Rhode Island? That's Milwaukee County. Milwaukee County, evidently.

The county of Milwaukee. Great lakefront property, by the way. It's tremendous, dude. You wait. You wait until the fucking global warming. We're in the golden age of it right now. Everyone's going to want to live in Milwaukee. Wisconsin.

Live on a lake. Dude, remember Silver Lake? Where did that go? Bill Burr. We put it under the ground. Bill Burr went on a crazy rant. We put it under the... And it's not crazy.

It's not there. I'm always called crazy. I said the fucking NBA was fixed. They were like, oh, you're out of your fucking mind. They get a mobbed up ref. I was like, oh, it's just one. It's just one. Oh, yeah. out of your fucking mind. They get a mobbed up ref. Oh, it's just one. It's just one. Oh, yeah.

It's just one. I said Kennedy got shot. Oh, it's just one guy. My whole life. Are you a Lee Harvey Oswald guy? Do you think Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone or do you think it was a conspiracy? I don't fucking. There's too much shit to read.

This is what. It's so long ago, Bill. Too many people would have their eyebrows up when they talk about it. It just makes me uncomfortable. It's just like... Like, if you want to fucking just sit here and tell me what you think you know, I'll listen to it. But when you

get into that hamster energy, like you're running on a wheel, I don't want to be around you. That is an amazing picture of Hillary Clinton. I swear to God. I would actually accept a hug from her. Fucking hilarious if she just had that. Seven hours ago, I wouldn't vote for her. Now I'm looking at her like, I want to make me some cookies.

Bill, listen to me for a second. Look at Donald Trump. He's like that great tire salesman that had the heart attack and everybody's fucking upset. He was great with the community. They crushed it with the... Dude, Wolf Blitzer is not from this planet. He doesn't look like anybody. He just looks like Wolf.

We got 190. It's the little car that could around the corner. 190 for Clinton, 171 for Trump. Oh, she got California. She's ahead now. It's a crazy little cartoon race. The Sandals States, man. Here they come.

Here come the Bergenstocks. With the old 23 skidoo. Oh, here we go. The old razzle dazzle play. We got Oregon and fucking, does Alaska matter? Jesus Christ. Those poor fuckers. By the time they cast their vote, they get done having their fucking grizzly bear fucking

potato skins. Have you ever worked up there? Yeah, this fucking asshole booked me. You did that too? I did that one also. Chill Coo Charlie's. Chill Coo Charlie's.

We still work there. The great, I'm mad about it. I booked him there fucking 20 years ago. Dude, that fucking comedy condo was an abomination. That fucking bed, that fucking bed. For the audience. Doug Stanhope, that fucking comedy condo was an abomination. That fucking bed.

That fucking bed. For the audience. Doug Stanhope, that fucking bed. Ralphie May was the only guy that ever got a hotel there because he was so fat. No. They were afraid the floorboards. No, wrong, wrong, wrong. The place you stayed was so weak.

Wrong. They were afraid he'd go through the floorboards. Donald Trump, wrong. Wrong. You're right. Wrong. You're right. My wig coming off. Wrong. They were afraid he'd go through the door. Donald Trump. Wrong. Wrong. You're right. Wrong. You're right. My wig coming off.

Wrong. Hang on. Greg Chaley. The fucking bed was already broken, dude. It was fucking. It was the guy that booked you there.

No, it was in half. Chaley, this is the guy that actually booked you there. No, no, no, no. Cuckoo Charlie. No, no, no, no. It was the worst ever. Cuckoo Charlie's.

The bed was fucking broken and I just looked at it going like, fuck, I guess this is playing your comic dues and I got into this fuck. You had to make it yours. It was disgusting.

The gig was great but the fucking comedy condo was horrible and Ralphie May taught me a lesson because I went down to Laugh Factory and said,

yeah, I just did Chill Cuckoo Charlie's, right? And he goes, oh yeah, I did that gig. I go, dude, how about that fucking comedy condo, huh? Was that fucked up? He goes, dude, I didn't stay there. I told him to get me a hotel. I was like, you can do that?

I didn't know you could say I'm not fucking staying there. They were so afraid that Ralphie May would never tell Ralphie that. They wouldn't tell Ralphie that. The bed was broken. The bed was already broken. Of course it was. Not because of Ralphie.

They were afraid of lawsuits because they know that the whores... Wait, did Ralphie break that bed? All these years I've been mad at Alaska? Did Ralphie do it? A thousand whores and fucking... A thousand whores. This sounds like a folklore story. Chukwu Charlie.

They're just people. Have you heard about Chukwu Charlie? Chukwu Charlie is the shit. I'm just saying that bed was fucked up. Let me tell you a quick story. I actually prop acted. I brought a bar of soap from the band house at Chilkoos Charlie's on stage because it had black mold on an antibacterial product.

And I go, you guys think I'm kidding about how bad this is? They have mold? You didn't tell me that when you booked me on the gig, did you think I'm kidding about how bad this is? They have mold? You didn't tell me that when you booked me on the gig, did you? I thought it was funny. I still do. That's why me and Chrysler still work Oyster Shacks in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I did Chilkoot Charlie's, and all I will say is that the bartender who's your good friend that owns the place, what's his name? Duran?

No, Becker. Becker. Becker just didn't laugh at me once, but just kept nodding and smiling and sending shots to the stage. And I got so blackout drunk, he was like, time to go to the Bush Company. And it's a strip club where if you like, they will put your dick in their mouth through your jeans. I didn't do it. But man, rumor has it it feels just like it

Rogan you had the shoot pants idea no that wasn't even mine it was a friend of mine actually did it he would take you know those plastic Nike pants

remember in the 90s those pants no they were like workout pants. For some reason, we thought it would be a good idea to wear thin nylon workout pants in the 90s. Remember when you go... Yeah, we do know, Joe. We remember that.

We all wore those. So this dude I know, he took sandpaper to the crotch. Shut up! Of these things. Just, he got it so he could see how many fingers he had up in front of a light. And then, then he shaved his cock and balls, lubed it all up.

No underwear. Put these things on. And got lap dances. And so, I'm there. And then he created newborn. He told me to stop all that trouble. He used to call it shooting. What did he call it?

Shooting. Because naked women sit on your lap and he'd just squirt in his pants. And he was like, all right, I'm good. It's a loophole. He's a smart guy. He didn't hurt anybody. It was an even exchange of money. There was a lot going on.

We used to, in Tampa, we'd wear umbros. What's an umbro? Umbros are soccer shorts. Those real thin soccer shorts. 18th birthday, we're like, gentlemen, umbros. We'd all put on umbros and go into Mons Venus and just be like, just try to take my pants off with your

pussy. Here we go. And they just grind just be like, just try to take my pants off with your pussy. Here we go. And they just grind on you like, and you're like, oh yeah, the song's not over, but I'm done. It's a weird thing. Just a salamander rolling down your leg.

Imagine if there was clubs. Imagine if there was clubs like that where women could go and men would just climb on top of them and fucking squeeze on them. Horseshack. Women can go and men will just climb on top of them and fucking squeeze on them. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Horseshack. My wife went to those.

It was, oh, I should not say this. I'm going to say it. Fuck it. Say it. It was Christina Pujinski's bachelorette party. Oh, no, you didn't. I should not have said that. I should stop this story now. He's here right now.

Bring him up. The Australian snake. Oh, oh that'll give a fuck i'm sure she's honest with tommy and so they got a male stripper and my wife called up and she goes hey they have a male stripper should i get a lap dance and in my head i'm like oh should we have been clearing this with each other but but i i know what a male lap dance i've seen it on like show like showtime you know or whatever hbo there's male lap dances and i know my wife's not into that shit i go definitely definitely get a lap dance she calls back traumatized she's like he basically painted my face with his cock apparently another another person,

I won't name their name, but this guy, Christina did not get a lap dance, but he would just, male strippers just smack him like this. With a raw dick? That's what a fucking male lap dance is.

It's like, I was also, That was his stage name. With a raw dick. That's his number one hit song. That's his website. www.witharawdick.org You're saying actual dick to face.

I don't know if they got naked, but they have those weird thongs. Trump won North Carolina. 15 electoral votes. Back to the pussy story. North Carolina. Donald Trump. I used to work out with this dude who used to wear, he had elephant, he was a male stripper. And he had elephant underwear where he was a male stripper.

And he had elephant underwear where there was like the ears of the elephant, the trunk was his dick. It would go into like this little thing that was like a pantyhose. And sandpaper would go down. Sandpaper would go down. Those underwears have a, they have like a cock ring in them so that your balls and dick are in the front of it. It's actually a great presentation. What's that? I was a male stripper for a day on one of my TV shows at a gay strip club.

And you look much better than you normally do because all your shit's up front like it's selling a car. It's like a push-up bra for your junk. Yeah, exactly. Exactly what it's like. Push-up bra for your junk. I DJed one of those fucking bachelorette parties one time, and a guy came out, and the chick pulled his pants down,

and he had fucking rubber band around his cock and balls, like a poor man's cock ring. Full on. And he went fucking crazy. He was like, fuck you. You don't touch me. And he went nuts, because he just had small package with rubber bands. Like just paper.

I called him paper route. You'll be there one day. I read a horrible thing about how a guy cut his own dick off online. Cut his balls off and his dick off. And the way he did it was first he killed it by tying it off so he tied he he documented it was the early early days of the internet when we were just starting to go what the fuck i get in the the like the late 90s early 2000s there was a website called bme it's like body modification extreme remember you guys remember that site? Applause break. That's Stan Hope's show.

Applause break. Bring it back. I became friends. The guy who ran the site is dead now, but he was into really crazy shit. But you became friends with him? Yeah, online friends. He sent me his book.

We used to send emails back and forth. He's a very smart guy. What was the first email? First of all, is this a weird site where people like pick themselves up and cut their dicks apart or whatever? Yeah. Body modification. Like, for care shit? How did this friendship start? Well, because I was, I wrote a blog. I wrote a blog.

I wrote a blog and I was mocking something that someone did that was ridiculous. Like some guy who grew his fingernails the longest in the world and he lost control of his left arm. Like his nerves died in his left arm because he has these fingernails that are like seven feet long and he never cuts them. And I wrote this whole thing about it. And this guy emailed me back about body modification. And it was like his really intelligent response. Just to let you know, this is why people do weird shit like this. This is the psychological

components of it. I wrote a website. And I really want to be a sponsor on your podcast. No, no, I had no podcast. This was 1997. So anyway, the guy gives me

a free password to his site so I could see what's going on. And I just check out all these people that are having these weird fucking bolts screwed into the top of their head

and cutting their ears and splitting their tongues and doing all this freaky shit. And I go down the rabbit hole. As you do, you keep clicking links. And I found this one dude who decided he didn't want his dick in his balls anymore. He had some weird relationship with his boyfriend where his boyfriend's like, that dick is useless. You're going to cut it off. He's like, yes, master.

And this guy ties rubber bands around his dick until there's no circulation in his dick and balls. It all goes black. He photographs it and takes a documented blog. Who needs a rubber band to not have circulation in their penis? Sorry. I think it's a different. It's a cell death type of constriction we're dealing with it's not as simple as

your dick doesn't get hard it's much more complicated shit going on necrosis anyway the dude documented cutting off his own cock and balls you wrote this video out. No, there was no video. It was photographs. I'm still waiting for the first communication

where you go, hey, I know I'm a big fan of you too. No, it was... The guy who cut his balls off I never met. There's a lot of similarities between comedy and body modification. We ought to get together for a latte at some point. They don't believe in caffeine.

You promote my comedy. Cut your balls off with an elastic band. It's kind of we're in the same business. We're in the same thing. What part of the internet are you on, Joe? Again, this is the 1990s. Yeah, that's

that. Thank you. Thank you very much. You know. Yes, he's from Toronto. Yeah. Yeah, he split his own dick. You're right. See, I'm not lying. You guys think I'm fucking lying? It's okay. It's okay.

I don't mind if you call. We don't have any rules. Can you say the correct pronunciation of his name? Hang on. If you're going to talk, talk into the microphone. No, no, no. You talk into the microphone so that people can hear you. I can hear her, bro.

You're wearing flip-flops. This is disgusting. I was trying to... Ma'am? I was trying to be helpful. He's wearing flip-flops. He voted for Hillary. You're like a guy trying to talk to his child, and you're yelling out instructions at the kid.

Relax, bitch. Yes, please. Rocks? Yes. My ex-boyfriend tattooed that tattoo. I don't know if you ever saw the tattoo that he had of that. It was like Tom and Kim. Can you say his name, though, correctly?

Sorry. Shannon Larratt. Shannon Larratt? Larratt. Larratt? Larratt. Okay, thank you. He's a really nice guy.

And he's passed, right? This is like some alt-comic con. Yeah. That's a good story. It's about a guy who split his dick. Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him?

Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him? Does anybody know him?

Decided to turn his dick into one of those ballpark Franks he had left on the hot dog thing for too long. That's some fucking... This guy hated his hand. That's 90s, man. Remember Jim Rose Side Circus and all that fucking shit? Frankenstein. Fakir.

He'd just hang himself in trees with fucking giant hooks from his tits. That was pre-Jersey Shore. People figured out they don't have to do that to get attention. There's other methods. He could be a housewife. Gigi Allen. What's that? Gigi Allen.

Yeah, he used to throw shit at people. That's unique. I mean, look, you can say you don't like it, you don't want to see it, but there's not a lot of people doing it. You should probably watch it once. Right? If this is a show where a guy throws shit, Doug Stanhope, get out here and tell the story about Extreme Elvis.

Hey, do you ever feel like there's shit you shouldn't? I look at your soul like it's pixelated, and every time you watch some shit like that a couple of cubes float away and like the next day like a peanut butter and jam jelly sandwich just it just doesn't taste as well like there's just certain shit you gotta draw a line okay we're all adults i'm not saying where the line is you gotta know where your soul is wired well you just gotta be like like dude you're like fucking deep cover you're watching some guy

taking a you know I watch the food network but it's an onion you're watching like the dick fucking he's doing the little thing there

where you don't fucking cut your finger off as he's slicing up his cock again this is the 90s we're talking about the 90s that excuse doesn't fly with me hold on Joe it's the 90s

the friends were on your defense it was harder to find this shit in the 90s. Thank you. Take another one. Thanks. Update. We're getting fucked up. Update.

Okay, so the big thing right now, what's going on is Pennsylvania. She's up by 2%. She fucking gets this and then gets to the Bergen stock. Hey, man, like everybody, then you got a shot. Tony Hinch, ladies and gentlemen. All right?

But wait a minute for the Trump people in the corner. You still got Montana. You still got Idaho. You still got Wyoming. You got Nevada. And all of them

can form together. They can all form together and they can wash over all them fucking hippies on the West Coast. They can do that shit. This is like a great SEC game. Bert Lundquist should be fucking

announcing this. Trump wins key state of North Carolina. Oh, Trump rocked her. Trump won North Carolina? North Carolina. This shit's over. Everybody knew. No, we don't. Dude, this shit's over. Everybody knew.

No, we don't. You dummy, she's behind. She's up. She's up. There's already a wall. She's ahead. She's up. She's ahead right now.

The wall's already built. You guys don't understand. You've been hanging out here. Oregon goes to Hillary. Hey, man. We wear sandals. Let's hang out in Coos Bay and watch the seals. Fuck, man.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Let's get some locally brewed beer and some local oysters. But Nebraska just went to Trump. They wear serious shoes there. All right, everybody. I have breaking news. 197 to 187.

Ladies and gentlemen, California voters have passed the ballot measure legalizing recreational marijuana. Yes! Yes! God damn it! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Holy shit! Holy shit! Yeah Holy shit Holy shit Yeah, motherfuckers There we go See, that's what matters Oh, thank you Not your leader Yeah

Hold on That's right You might as well hit it now, Bill Hit that shit, Bill Byrne Oh, shit Oh, shit Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Salute, ladies and gentlemen.

We're finally adults. Oh, my God. We're finally adults. Cheers. And that, as much as this election might change the fucking world. Finally something that will affect your life happened tonight. Hold on. What about the mandatory condoms in porn?

Can you look that up? That's nonsense. I want to see what that is. They took our jobs. We got to keep those jobs. We got to keep those jobs here in the valley. Yeah. All right?

Yeah. Pornos started in the valley. It stays here yeah i changed i changed my wife's mind on the condom ballot in line yeah with people behind us and in front of us she was i'm voting yes on this i go no no no it's a no that means that all our porn stars have to go to arizona to find porns that i'll watch she was like why wouldn't you watch one with a condom on doesn't that i go it's fucking not. It turns you off. Trust me.

Yeah. It is. A porno's a fantasy. Yeah. Nowhere in the fantasy is, and then I put a condom on? And then I was reasonable. That's why we watch Jackie. And then it doesn't quite feel as good as it should.

And then I feel like I'm losing it because I drank too much. It's like superheroes. They're like superheroes, right? Like they do stuff we can't do. They just fuck with no condoms. They're superheroes. Duncan Trussell, I'm going to just say what he said because it was really hilarious. Duncan Trussell said if they should pass the law

it should be that men can't talk in pornos. How many times have you hit the mute button? How many times have you hit the mute button? How many times have you hit the mute button? I also say no reverse nut shot, man. Too much nuts. Oh, for fuck's sakes. Hand down. Yeah, right?

Hand down. Too much nuts. All the shit to complain about with your white privilege. That's what you choose. Too much nuts, Joe. First world problem. Dude, I used to jerk off back in the days when men didn't even shave their assholes. Oh.

Okay, you'd watch a porno and they'd show that back shot, especially if you were in a hotel room. In the 90s, they weren't allowed to show penetration. You couldn't even show genitalia. Skin and mess. You showed people fucking. You knew't even show genitalia. Skin and mix. You showed people fucking. You knew they were fucking, but you could never actually see it going in. And they showed... Yeah, Hicks had a whole bit about it.

It was just rubbing. The hairy, bobbing man ass. It was a lot of rubbing. Remember that? It'd be like, oh. Do you remember that Hicks bit? Do you remember that Hicks bit? No.

Michigan is 47.9 to 47.0. Oh. Trump. Yep. Oh. Trump. Yep. Oh, the suspense. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the suspense. You were reaching on every word.

That's fucking Ted Nugent land, of course, man. Did you see him on there? Dude, he's a motherfucker with an arrow, man. Yeah, but he's only winning by 0.9%. It's not some crazy blowout. There's like 47% people. I'm like, I don't know. Oh, 47.1.

Now she's only... It's 0.8. Oh, shit. What? This next comic... Oh, Jesus. ...just had a Twitter poll of who should be bumped from this panel so he can talk. And resoundingly

they picked whoever needs to piss or have a cigarette. Why do you think I was picking on you? Oh, no. I thought you wanted to know. No, I...

Brendan Walsh. Oh! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Dude, walsh oh trump trump trump trump dude i love your elbow patches thanks man i bought it downtown sweet yeah hundred buck suits downtown baby brennan walsh ladies and gentlemen you can't tell the difference either no you cannot tell the difference between a hundred dollar suit and a thousand dollar suit i can't i suit and a thousand dollar suit. I can. I never owned a thousand dollar suit. But you've seen him. I've seen him.

There you go. You watch. Prosecuting attorneys. Actually it's the defense attorneys are the ones with the fucking expensive suits. See the D.A.

down at the store buying a hundred dollar suit. What's your predictions? It's fucking. I mean i'm all for comedy but this is too funny the way it's going it's so funny it's scary this is fucking riveting this is one of the best this is tremendous this is what's amazing is that on top of all the drama everybody in californ California just got really fucking high.

They're all stoned and watching it right now like, this is it. Finally, we don't have to feel like we're fucking criminals. We're doing something that doesn't even hurt you. It's so stupid. It's a gateway drug that leads to heroin and fucking other things.

The best gateway drug for me is alcohol. I wonder if they're going to smoke weed in pornos while not wearing condoms. I don't know if the condom thing is passed, has it? But that's a good joke. Is it weird if on the condom thing I wrote in Gary Johnson? Gary Johnson. Didn't really get an answer there, I guess Instead of

Instead of using condoms You have to use Johnson Weld It sounds like some kind of dick repair kit Doesn't it? Johnson Weld I just got that Like a solid five seconds after What happened?

The joint fell Oh, how dare you I got it Like a solid five seconds after. What happened? What? Who? Oh, you dropped the joint. You dropped the joint. Oh, how dare you. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert. All right, just to recap, 197 to 187, Hillary, Florida, Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, too early to call. And other than that, everything else is mustard color. Oh, wait, this is frozen. Yeah, this is frozen, man. This is frozen.

This is cold. Hey, guys, they're really committing to that mannequin challenge. It's been frozen for three hours. I was like, Wolf Blitzer is really thinking about this point. No, Trump. I said the funniest thing nobody got. How do you reset this? Do you go like this?

Yeah, that's it, Bill. You blow on your thumb. Dude, there's no fucking mouse. There's nothing on this thing. It's fucking self-sufficient. There it goes. It's back. There it goes.

All right. Trump won Florida. Trump won New Hampshire. You got Florida. It doesn't say. What's the score, man? 216 to 197, Trump. 216 to 197.

Brendan Walsh. But now he's got to kick off to Hillary and go to fucking Washington. Brendan Walsh, I know you're kind of a prankster, but you're also a very smart guy. Yeah. Like, I know you do. Would you be happier if one of these people won? I mean, you know, this is shattering my world because I'm such a conspiracy nut. I just thought, like, they got fucking, I was like, well, they want Hillary to be president,

so they got the craziest fucking monster to run against her, and now my whole world's being shattered because it looks like I've been wrong all these years, that the elections aren't fucking rigged from top to bottom. I think they rig it to a certain extent, but there's only so much they could do without being really obvious. There's only so much control you can have.

Yeah. Because there's a bunch of people that want to run it all. They just can't get on the same page. Trump's the one that said it was rigged, and now he's about to win this shit. I know. That's what's amazing. But he kind of proved it was along the way, along with WikiLeaks, exposing what they did trying to force Bernie Sanders out. They actively conspired in their own party

to keep this guy from winning. They were like, fuck that dude. I gotta say, all you pussies who kept voting for Hillary, you should have gone with Bernie. All you pussies. Sarah Silverman was right. If you actually believed in her, fine. But those people who were just like,

there's no way this guy can win. So you're going to vote for someone who goes to those Bilderberg meetings? Where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other? That's your fucking hope? I got to be honest. There's one clear way that I'm sexist. I don't mind if someone calls a dude a dick. But when you talk about a pussy in a bad way, like, oh, it's a pussy.

What is it about that? Calling talk about a pussy in a bad way, like, it's a pussy. What is it about that that's less... Calling a dude a pussy? Well, anybody a pussy. Pussy's pretty good. It's a pretty good thing. Right? But if someone says that guy's a dick... You understand the terminology.

I do. I understand it. Are you trying to sick feminist on me? No, no, no. That's not what I'm doing Joe Rogan tells Bill Burr What a pussy How did it happen Actually is And this video

May surprise you Here's why Bill Burr is wrong At Salon.com Tony Edgecliff Donald Trump's about to be living in government housing. Oh, shit, Tony. It's just a fact.

We're going to have a gold-plated White House soon, son. How many times is that motherfucker going to golf? Dude, this is what's really fucked up about this whole thing, is this fucking country right now is painted so goddamn red, and Hillary's still in it somehow. Like, this is fucking...

That's like when a team has, like, nine turnovers, but somehow they're still fucking losing. It's like, how is that possible? I'm sorry, let me get to this crowd. It's like when someone slices their dick up. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, you can't worry about a little joint. It's free. It's weed now.

We're good. It's legal. It's like you dropped a pack of gum on the ground. That's the only joint I got on me. You're fucking crazy. Come on. I roll deep, ladies and gentlemen. We're here for the long haul.

This thing's going down right now. Is Madeline coming out? It's a good thing. Whatever it means. Dropping the joint is like 100 mic drops at once. It's a cool new thing since Potts been leaving. I don't know if you know, bro. This is how it started.

Joint drops on the main room stage. I think I'm going to buy a Hummer. Trump wins, I'm buying a fucking Hummer. I'm going to put those bluemer. Trump wins, I'm buying a fucking Hummer. I'm going to put those blue neon lights at the bottom of it. And it's like, you know, you can be like a vampire familiar. You can live amongst them. I'm just going to blend in, man.

I'm going to blend in. I'm going to start wearing tank tops again. Fuck it. Suck it. Trump's in the house. What's up now? Asshole's on top of this motherfucker. All right, it's looking right now like Pennsylvania is going to be the decider.

Oh, Jesus. Those people. We're doomed. Hey, wait. No, no. Clinton's not 49 to 47. Hold on. Hold on. A raft landed there in 1700 and the fucking dummies stayed.

They're deciding our fate. Why are you still there? Motherfucker, you know about Oregon. Still 197, 187. Hey, could either of you guys explain what you mean when you say Philadelphia is going to be the... Philadelphia? I am so fucked up. Could either of you guys explain what you mean when you say Phyllis Delphia? Phyllis Delphia? I am so fucked up. Guys, anybody know how many states there are?

Seriously? I'm pretty sure Bert Kreischer thinks that Phyllis Diller is about to win the election. I don't know. Phyllis Diller? here here's some non-condoms everyone fuck that was amazing Joe So much Hey throw that joint back

You wasted so much weed That they're about to Unlegalize weed right now The government's so mad at you Joe Hey I'm the new host Of the man show Hey sit down Sit down

I'm gonna hang back here man I'm tired Hey Oh shit This this just in Canada's building a wall across the US border Their armed guards protecting Their country from assholes moving there Tripoli hates Hinchcliffe I'm not, I don't know the whole scene But Sam Tripoli Hates Tony Hinchcliffe So I'm not, I don't know the whole scene. Who? But Sam Tripoli hates Tony Hinchcliffe so much.

I know, I'm just, I'm making up bullshit. I'm trying to bring Tripoli out. Oh, okay. So I fucking threw you out. I know these, I'm going to throw them out? I can throw you out? Sam Tripoli. Tripoli, get out of there.

Oh. Oh, he's not even listening. Sit back down. Doug doesn't even have Sam Tripoli's phone number of there. He's not even listening. Sit back down. Doug doesn't even have Stan Tripoli's phone number. This is a prank. Brennan, are you behind this? Yeah, I'm behind everything. He doesn't like your correct posture.

I hyped myself up. I said just 90 more minutes. Sam Tripoli, there you go. He hates Tony Hinchcliffe so badly. You're over here. Oh, wait. Oh, you're... I thought he was...

All right. Happy Election Day, everybody. Happy Election Day. Powerful Sam Tripoli. I had my watch set to the wrong time, and I go, an hour and a half. No, they're from here. I can pull through this. They're from here.

No, it's two and a half more hours. The condom laws... What happened with that? That's what Sam Chibley is concerned with. Very much. Weed laws and condom laws. How are we doing this?

Are we doing this like we're a bunch of fucking babies? It didn't pass, did it, right? They got to put weed on their dicks in pornos now.

What's that? They got to roll their dicks in weed before they fuck in pornos. You can smoke the dick. You got to smoke your own dick. Dude, Wolf Blitzer looks like Colonel Sanders at like a funeral.

Because he's wearing the darker suit. Like if he went for a wake, like if the Burger King guy died, and just out of respect he fucking showed up, that would be like the suit he'd be wearing, but he's got like the fucking white shit going. If you guys could see this laptop, you'd know that I was fucking dead on with what I just said. Good point.

Have you ever found yourself having that guilty moment where you go, hey, Trump's right? Yes. 269, 268. Clinton, what the fuck? Can't be this close. Donald Trump definitely has moments. 269, 268.

You need 270 to win. Get the fuck out of here. That's what it says. That's what it says. It can't be real. What is Rhode Island left? That doesn't make any sense. That can't be a real What, is Rhode Island left? That doesn't make any sense. That can't be a real score.

Remember when we thought this was going to be a joke? Oh, Alaska will save us. The last three electoral votes are Alaska. My apologies to Chilkoot Charlies and all those fur trappers up there. And everybody running from the law. Holy shit. Alaska. My mistake.

Alaska might decide it. Sam Tripoli, your thoughts? I'm blown away by this, how retarded we are, huh? Thanks, Obama. This is I cannot Would you That's gotta be a red state

That's gotta be a red state What'd you say Sam? What's a bigger upset? There you go Buster Douglas Mike Tyson Donald Trump Best upset ever

Trump won Florida I was in Vegas for it That's 29 How the fuck do you Fucking morons In Florida Have 29 electoral votes? This is when I go against it.

I like Miami. I like Miami. Horrible for comedy. Dude, the fucking dude. The upper. Ybor City. Ybor City. Dude, the upper three quarters.

That's why I can't listen to your podcast because I copy. Ybor. Ybor's great. It's not thatida's any more fucked up than other states they just don't get the shit because they got a couple of water parks and disneyland and everybody gets all fucking just oh yeah this is a an amazing place it really is more fucked up than other states a lot of florida people here evidently no florida is more fucked up oh wait now that's now they're saying it's 216-197. I don't know what the fuck they're showing here. Sorry, guys.

Sorry. I know. I got you all excited. I got you excited. Hey. What's left? Did I not hold it up? That's what it said.

Yeah, that was Nacogdoches, Texas. I just lost all credibility. What's left? I mean, there's pills, there's guns. There's pills. There's cocaine. There's opening a vein in the bathtub. They should have started...

Dude, Hillary should have ran. If they build a wall, that means no cocaine. I bet you everybody would have voted for Hillary Clinton, man. You've had no more blow? This is insane, dude. Speaking of blow, I ran fucking Manson out of here by trying to get him on stage. Listen, he's a grown man. You don't make a grown, cold, old man that's six feet away from you.

Oh, no, no. He doesn't want to go on stage. I don't care how much coke you do. You don't call me if you're six feet away from me. This is not like a structured thing. There's no PAs here. I'm calling you from right there. Outrageous.

Listen, the guy pulled me out of a bad spot today, and I was a dick. But yeah, he's still here. He's a weird dude. I'm sorry, man. I wasn't trying to molest you. I was supposed to tell you people that this show goes on for a long fucking time. So, there is no structure. It's just going to get weirder.

I'm on autopilot with the fakest smile you'll ever see. So, if you have to piss, get drinks, smoke a cigarette, beat your kids, go take care of Jim Jeffries' kid in the car. Whatever you have to do. Just come in and out. We're going to have comics coming in and out. So, yeah. Okay.

Now, back to the show. Brendan Walsh, Florida. It is weirder. You said it's not weird. Yes, it is. It's the East End. It cooks your brains. I tried to take a shit in a hot tub in Florida.

Remember that, too? It's the same hotel man. It cooks her brains. I tried to take a shit in a hot tub in Florida. Remember that, too? It's the same hotel. What stopped you? Shaley. Shaley made me stop. I almost took Shaley's ear off with a banana, too. I was talking on my banana phone, and Shaley was like, hey, yo, and I threw it at him. Fucking whipped past his ear.

Wait, Brendan Walsh pissed the bed. Oh, right. Standing up. I have pictures. Oh, that ain't shit. Bert Kreischer pissed on his father-in-law's kitchen table. Because he was so drunk he thought he was in the toilet. On Thanksgiving.

Tell that story. That was so great. Hey, that shit happens, okay? Not only did I piss on their dining room table, but when he caught me, I David Blamed it. I David Blamed it. And I laid under the tablecloth in my own piss and went back to sleep.

That's what's up. And he's wearing flip flops. I told that story. A grown man on election night. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, feet. He does have jeans and flip flops. Why not? My fucking socks match my outfit. Weed's legal now.

I'm happy you're a pioneer. You're a pioneer in footwear. I left my fanny pack in the car. I was too high before I got here. Oh, Jesus. Thised's legal now. I'm happy you're a pioneer. You're a pioneer in footwear. I left my fanny pack in the car. I was too high before I got here. Oh, Jesus. This is not the time. It's not the time for the fanny pack. It's going to get in the way.

Fanny pack. I'm going to tell a story. We're fucking, you know. I knew when you said, I can't tell this story, you were going to tell it. Just tell it. I have to tell a story. Shit's bad at home,

but when the EMTs are taking her, my girlfriend, out. But you gotta tell the story because most people don't know what you're talking about. My girlfriend had a seizure, fell back,

fractured her skull. She's still not responsive. My ex-girlfriend used to have... I'm gonna fucking cry. My ex-girlfriend used to have seizures like that all the time. Well, I know that it's related. Because you kept burning fucking dinner.

Oh, man. You went for it. I'm like, I don't know where you're going with this. If you guys don't hang around with comedians, your life sucks. That's why you paid money to be here. comedians your life sucks that's why you paid money to be here that's the only way i get through life is because i have the best fucking comic friends who can bust my balls so so bingo i know it's cocaine related it's her 40th birthday the whole family is there in bisbee she has a seizure fractures her skull they're taking her out EMTs, they're holding her head.

I'm just fucking busting balls. Cracking joke, joke, joke. Oh, the pool of blood is getting bigger. I go, don't clean that up. I need a good picture in daylight. And then my dogs start licking up the blood. So they didn't clean it up. But they covered it because I needed to get a picture. Well, this is not the first time it's happened.

So I don't really think it's going to end up like it is now. Fuck her. She knows better than to do that much blow. So I'm cracking wise. I don't even know if I remember my story. What was I going to not tell? Oh, the fanny pack. So here's what happens.

The sisters, bingo sister, bongo and bango, I call them. They're like, I don't know what to do. I go, someone go down. Everyone's calling 911. Go down and make sure there's no coke residue or wherever. I know she's doing coke. And then I see her fanny pack, which she's very attached to. She's trying to bring the fanny pack back.

It's not working. But I go, hey, take her fanny pack, because when she wakes up, she's going to freak out. Where's my fanny pack? It's a mental thing. And she wouldn't have blow in there. I go, she's not that dumb. Oh, yes, she was.

So the sisters, clean cut, all American sisters, go to the ER. I'm like, fuck it. I'm the host of the party now. You go to the ER. I'm like, fuck it. I'm the host of the party now. You go to the ER. They find the blow, and it's a shitload of blow. Manson would have stayed.

So the sister smuggles it. It's eight blocks away, but smuggles it, like, locked up away, but smuggles it like locked up abroad. Like, I found the blow! I was trying to find her insurance paperwork! I brought this back!

And I, holy shit. And then we started doing her blow to stay awake. To find out the condition she's in. Like, she knows better than to do this. She has a problem with this.

Anyone called yet? Family that snorts together stays together. Did I make this weird? Is that the name of someone's podcast? Awesome. This was awesome. Still 216-209. Trump.

That's updated. People are still moving on the screen, buddy. I thought it was within two points. I thought... That was a projection or something. The audience is way better at this than us. Oh, what is it? What is it?

I don't know. Does anybody know? 232 to 209, it says, but... 232? To 209. Yeah. Trump. Trump?

Whoa. He's... What does he have to get to? Mr. Trump, if you're listening, I always thought you were super fucking cool. I love The Apprentice. I think your fucking wife is great. Your kids are awesome. I wasn't one of the comedians tweeting against you for the past few months.

Hang on, hang on. Breaking news. Check this out. This is true. Here we go. Henning, just hand me this. Canadian immigration website crashes during American elections. Thanks, baby.

Holy shit. Holy shit. I called it. That's a bit of an overreaction. Is it really? The whole thing, no matter who wins, is like, ah, this doesn't work. There's a couple in Silver Lake. Have you guys been to Canada?

Have you guys been to Canada? I know Michael Moore hyped it up, okay? I know he hyped it up like nobody hates anybody and there's no racism up there. They're human beings. They're incredibly flawed just like us. So if you want it a little colder, it's a great place to go. But other than that, they're just like us. The Coke is great. Just as smart, just as dumb. God bless them. It's not a place to go. But other than that, they're just like us. Just as smart, just

as dumb. God bless them. It's not a solution, man. Come on. You're gonna go up there and watch the CFL? Get the fuck out of here. I was trying to talk to you earlier when you were fucking with Rogan about the conspiracy theories. Because a million years ago, it was VHS.

Rogan was showing, no, we faked the moon landing. You got to watch this double VHS four-hour thing. Behold the pale horse you're being lied to. No, no, no. That book's ridiculous. That came from one of you two. That came from one of you two. I don't blame my own stupidity.

We talked a little bit later in years, but it was him that was the first conspiracy guy about the moon landing. And he's as aggro as he is now. So you just shut up and you watch four hours of VHS. And you go, fuck, yeah, it sounds like it was faked. And then you... Can I go now? Google is brand new and you go, debunk. And you hear all the shit

that why that was wrong and then you go, I don't care if we ever landed on the moon. Here's my question. Why doesn't NASA just take a picture of the car that they left up there and be like, boom, drop the mic. It's over.

They took a picture of it. Well, then there you go. Why doesn't the government show a video of that plane hitting the Pentagon? Oh, snaps. That was only 15 years ago. I'm just saying there's a lot of cameras on the place. Let's just shut everybody up and show the video. This took a big left turn.

I went safe. Fucking with the mood is safe. The Chiefs should have lost to Jacksonville yesterday. It was 9-11. That gets people right. Jacksonville had the fucking ball over the goal line yesterday or Sunday, whenever, I don't know what day it is. And they should have beat the Chiefs.

So, yeah. Are you a Jaguars fan? Jaguars was a Jaguars fan. Are you beat the Chiefs. So, yeah. Are you a Jaguars fan? Jaguars was a Jaguars. Are you in the Jags? Are you a Jags and Jaguars fan? No, I was just watching the game. I just love that Carpenter acted like that other fucking dude messed up his knees. And he laid on the fucking ground.

The trainer came out and they had to take him out for a play. I enjoyed that. Because he wasn't fucking hurt. The way he was rolling around on the fucking ground. You guys know this? The field goal kicker for the Buffalo Bills? Yeah. Oh. I enjoyed that. Because he wasn't fucking hurt. The way he was rolling around on the fucking ground. You guys know this. The field goal kicker for the Buffalo Bills. Richard Sherman. The way Carpenter was rolling around and laying on the ground. You thought he was really

fucking hurt. Then all of a sudden he lines up for a 50-yard field goal. The fucking dude was fine. He was fine. That game was a push. Anybody betting at home. I bet on the fucking Bills. Plus six. Hey, I want sponsorship from betonline.ag. Yeah, me too. Dude, this might be a push

at a night of push. How close are we now, Bill Burr? I just, did you, do you ever do live betting? I don't know, ask the guy in the corner. You can live bet. Gives me shit, you know. When the game's already going on. We got motion now. I have motion. People are moving. There's movement. It looks kind of happy. Is that Wolf Blitzer? Because it's not. No, it's another white guy with salt and pepper hair.

I know. I like that guy. It's not Anderson Cooper. Now that we've legalized weed, what's the next level drug you go to? Cigarettes? How about cigarettes? Texting in the back. I can see you.

Your face is lit up like you're telling a ghost story. Go ahead. thing in the back. I can see you. Your face is lit up like you're telling a ghost story. Go ahead. I love textures in the dark. It was a dark and stormy night. Stop fact-checking us. Donald Trump was about to be elected president.

We were at the comedy store. It's allegedly haunted. You see, this is all just fucking backlash for the Cubs. If the Cubs lost, Trump would have lost. That goes deep. The great thing about the Cubs is it doesn't matter anymore.

Woo! Duncan Trussell just texted Wolf Blitzer. There he is. When they fucked up, when they took the fucking General Lee and they took that rebel flag off the top of that bitch. That's when people had enough. Is that nationwide?

That's a lot of red on that map. That and Caitlyn Jenner. There's a storm. Duncan Trussell just texted me, make America great again. He couldn't be here in person? He's in. I'm in too, man. Fuck it.

Hey, is anyone in the chute? Dude, Trump has won 23 states. He could still lose the election. Tell you what, I was a big Tony Soprano fan. I knew he was a murderer. I love that dude. Come on, Tony. Pull yourself together.

At your best, you're a really cool guy. She's won one, two, three, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 I would have joked him too that kid wouldn't shut the fuck up 8 states to 23 and he's only up by like fucking 10 points I can't wrap my head around

this fucking election stuff Bill Cosby did a lot of great shit plus he was a rapist maybe you gotta separate the two you gotta separate the two you gotta separate the two Donald Trump can pull it together ladies and gentlemen

what a man does on his own time is no reflection of his artistic contributions this man made a great cartoon a single camera shoot and sitcoms they were laughing at Chrysler eating.

The second they said cut that's another story. For the people that were only engaging in audio Burt Chrysler Everyone laughed at Chrysler eating

so I looked and all I saw was plumber crack. Horrific plumber crack. It was fucking amazing. Burt says they're fucking amazing. Make chicken strips great again.

What is he eating? America's going to be great again, folks. We're going to go back to horse riding. We're going to make our own food. Tenders? There'll be no more grid after the war. We kind of pieced it together as good as we could. Turns out all the smart

people died first. Maybe this is just a Nathan for you bit. We're going to make him act great again. Act into the fucking CNN. We're all going to be fly fishing for dinner. We're going to be skinny as fuck like people from the Civil War days.

An average dude weighed 125 pounds during the Civil War. How about them apples? Wait, are we going to be cooking venison on a freeway? Because I think this is Fight Club. Tiny monkey people that can barely get by. Mountain lions running through the streets. Is that what you want?

By the way, dude, the elk's been delicious. Thank you. I made this American chop suey with it, and my wife gave a fucking bad review before anybody even tasted it, and everybody just said, fuck it. She goes, it looks like hamburger helper. I've been chowing it for like four days.

Out of respect for that fucking elk that you shot. It's like I'm eating all this shit. I don't care if it's fucking bad. Does it make you more aggressive? What? Elk. No, Joe, you fucking lunatic.

Somebody gets in my face that might cause me to get more lunatic. I eat a little bit of protein. You had to beat the fuck out of people for like three decades before you could like chill, smoke a little weed, put on your

little rascal's hat and just fucking chill out you don't understand i love him to death but this guy is the most testosterone fucking filled dude i've ever met that's why i love him i love him he's like every guy I met in Boston fucking welded together. He's crazy. The little rascal's hat will haunt me for the rest of my life. No, and this is like killing me. No, I never put this on.

Joe, you're crushing that. He's crushing that hat. Come on. You know who he is. You're killing it. I love it. I love it. You don't have to balance it out. I like it. It's hilarious. I'm laughing at me, too. I'll never put this thing on again. No, you shouldn't, dude. I'm going to stick it in the fireplace.

You shouldn't, dude. You're killing it. We'll keep it on for when the papers come out in the morning. Extra, extra. Read all about it. Donald Trump wins in Alaska. Chukwu Charlie finally builds a fucking bed. Two hat disses.

What do we do now, folks? Have you ever had someone make fun of you to a point where it affected the rest of your life. I knew you would. Patrice O'Neal. Patrice O'Neal. Every fucking two days when you saw him. Yeah. I used to have a best friend named Tom Segura.

When Patrice passed away. Tommy. When Patrice passed away. Oh, Tommy, Tommy. When Patrice died, I didn't know him well, but there was part of me that went, it was ISIS is no longer a threat because he was so terrifying. I never got on his back. Patrice O'Neill is the funniest motherfucker I ever met, ever. But I was so scared of how bad he could eviscerate you.

It was so close. He turned the biggest loudmouth comedians into fucking audience members. And he would be out on the street. I saw him one night. He fucked with some transvestite. And they went back and forth giving each other shit. It was fucking. She got a good one in.

She said to him, she goes, you got so many spaces between your teeth. It looks like your tongue's in jail. We were all like, ah! We were all fucking flipping out. And that's the thing she's not even on the panel joe he weathered that storm he laid on the ropes like ali knew that she just had stock jokes because he looked at me and he shook it off going that's just fucking stock shit like he had heard it but i was so white i was like oh that's brand new to me that's

hilarious and he's just like man i heard that a thousand times and when she ran out of the shit dude he fucking destroyed her and she had to walk off man it was fucking it was unreal dude I mean it was literally Jeff Ross, me, David Tell Bobby Kelly

some of the biggest fucking comics ever we just sat there and watched it if you ever see you ever see that that um that

that Biggie video of when before he was famous when he was freestyling, he trashed that dude. Yeah. It was the comedy version of that dude. Not even exaggerating. It was fucking unbelievable.

Go ahead. All right. Well, first of all, you have a story about sometime you got in. But that's another who's the scariest comic is a good question. But tell your story about when you get insulted that it stayed with you for life. You jumped up. You go, I got a story. I got a...

I'm going to opt out of this voting process. All right, then I'm bringing in... I'm too fucked up. Hey, we need some beaver in here. Eleanor. Kerrigan, fucking take over for me. I need a cigarette. I need to flush my own head

down the toilet. Eleanor Kerrigan. No, you're right here. You're taking my spot. You're right here. I'll hold it. Oh, shit, Eleanor. Oh, shit, Joe Rogan.

What's up? My only pro wrestling senior friend. What's up? How are you guys? Plus, hilarious comedian. Plus, waitress at the comedy store.

Fuck yeah. Who needs a drink? You don't know Eleanor? Eleanor, when I first started working here, I would always go to her when new people

would come into town. If I hadn't seen him, I'd go, I heard that guy's really funny. She'd go, she would let me know. That's true. What's the matter, Billy?

You all right? Because this thing keeps freezing on key shit. Oh, shit. This laptop that doesn't have a fucking mouse or anything you can click on. It's like watching porn and it freezes on the dude's face.

It's like... Oh, my God. This is insane. Yeah. This is a fucking nail... Are you scared? A little bit. You?

What are you scared about most? Pussy grabbing? Pussy grabbing? That's fine with me. I prefer that. I'm more of an anus grabber. Oh, thanks. It's got that wrestling background.

Then you don't have to discriminate. They're going to pin you. You just give them the old fucking fish hook or whatever the fuck they call it. I prefer it like that. Reverse fish hook. That was their call the old fucking fish hook or whatever the fuck they call it. I prefer it like that. Reverse fish hook. That was their call. Reach around fish hook. Dean Del Rey.

Let them be taught. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Fucking coolest comedy posters in the business. Fucking Dean Del Rey. I'm not doing somebody else's. Hillary's leading Nevada. She's leading Pennsylvania. Oh, thank God.

Dude, this is coming down to the fucking wire. How do you? Utah. This is wild is coming down to the fucking wire. How do you... Utah. This is worse. Donald Trump, you knew it. You knew it. Utah. Where it's all religion, no vaginal sticking in her ass.

He's fucking... He's killing Hillary. It's 52 to 21 and some other motherfucker... Maybe that was just a county. I get excited. I get excited about things. I see numbers and some other motherfucker. Maybe that was just a county. I get excited. I get excited about things. I see numbers and I flip out.

This is great commentating, Bill. Dude, I've done Al Capone's vault to you guys like 10 times and I apologize. I'm trying to do my best. I'm not good with this technology shit. We're about to open it up. Nothing. Nothing. Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin.

Too early to call. As much as I've been fucking you guys over, if you really gave a shit, you wouldn't be here. Right. That's true. How do you think, like, fucking Dukakis or Walter Mondale feels? A guy who got blown out. Gary Hart. Yeah, exactly.

What the fuck? Yeah, she sucked my dick. Go fuck yourself. It was great on the boat. Anyway. I don't know if I'm scared though, Joe. You said, what am I scared of? Maybe just that Donald Trump

is such a fucking loose cannon, but that could work for us, no? Comedy-wise. I like glasses. It's an ineffective way to run a bunch of people that you don't even know. True. Hey, I'm looking to fucking buy a house, so maybe prices will fucking go down

once everybody leaves the fucking state. So that's a bright side. I'll be able to afford a house in Silver Lake. Alright, they're saying 232 Trump, 209 Clinton. Wow. That one motherfucker.

Die hard. Die hard. You got to give him respect. Die hard in the corner. Come on, Trump supporter in Hollywood. You got to love that. I got 238 Trump right now.

Adderall. Fuck that bitch. Trump that bitch Yeah Assholes are in Yeah Dude it's 9 o'clock Pacific time

New Hampshire is still Too close to call Jesus Christ That's fucking crazy It's midnight out there There's only 13 people up there What the fuck are they talking about Gather them up

Count their votes Hey dude Go back to the woods you fuck No New Hampshire's New Hampshire's God country. That's God's country. That's fucking beautiful.

Vermont, all those trees and people addicted to heroin. Get back out there in the forest. Do we have a lot of Trump supporters? I'm kidding, folks. It's frozen again, this fucking thing. You gotta bring it down, then you bring it back up.

Be gentle, be gentle. Yeah! No, I lost it, I lost it. It's a magnet. Bill Burr, worst iPod, shitty keyboard juggler ever. I brought it down, I brought it back up. That works at home.

Dean Del Rey, worse than Bill Burr, hands it back it back. No, I got it. Fuck this. This shit's embarrassing. Stay tuned, folks. This is getting ugly. Dean Del Rey. Dean Del Rey.

Gearhead. Gearhead. Does anybody know... I don't know how to... It's over. Oh, no. Jamie, help him. This is ridiculous.

What old guy do I meet? I'm an old guy. C to A. Backwards. Go. This is the closest I'll ever be to being Mike Goldberg. You're correct, Joe. What they need to do is posture up right now with the iPad.

I don't know what the code is. You're absolutely correct. We didn't think we'd see this kind of trouble tonight. They are in round three all of a sudden of trying to fix the iPad, and they are in deep, big trouble, both of them. Reputation's on the line. They don't know how to bend up

the thing that supports the iPad. They just threw it back. They just threw it back. It's not connected to this fucking thing. They threw the iPad to the back. Let's just go with the pad here. Hey, Kevin Durant. It is all over.

Kevin Durant to Golden State. Are you buying or selling? That's what you get when you're noncommittal. That fucking piece of shit is neither a keyboard nor a stand. It is both. And if you are both, you do not exist. This represents the transgender bathrooms that we need in this fucking country.

That represents 71 different... Tits and a dick right on the fence. Uh-oh. There it is. Thank you. We can still use your help. How do you make it stand up? You don't. Uh-oh. There it is. Thank you. We can still use your help. How do you make it stand up? You don't.

You hold it like a man. Oh, I got it. You hold it like a man. Dean. Dean Del Rey. Stop. You guys are too fucking stupid for that thing. Leave it alone.

I'm not getting involved. That doesn't make any sense. Does that make sense? It doesn't make any sense, does it? No. Flip it around. I'm not getting involved. That doesn't make any sense. Does that make sense? You should drink. It doesn't make any sense, does it? No, flip it around. Oh, shit.

Trump won. Oh. What? Kidding. Oh, that felt good. Oh, that felt good. Fuck that stand. Oh, the air got sucked out of the room. Except for that one motherfucker in the corner.

I got you. I got you. Holy shit. Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. Bill Burr. Ha ha. That thing sucks. Give me that shit, bitch.

Let's get four more guys on a Caltrans. It's a goddamn iPad. If you lay it flat, it doesn't fly away. Just put the mic stand behind it. Look down at the table like you would any other document in front of you. Don't do it, Dean. Don't help us. I'm in.

I'm in. They're like babies. Cricket. Cricket. Kill it. Fuck yeah. The old mic stand helper. Who feels like they're invested in this?

Do people feel invested in this? Dude, I'm a jerk. This is like one of the great games I've ever watched in sports. This is fucking incredible. 232-209 with fucking 10 minutes to go. Donald Trump kicking off to Hillary Clinton. She's taking it out of the end zone. What was the spread?

That's true. Hillary was definitely favored. Before today, she was 10 to 1 odds and went 10 to 1. Wow. If you went to Vegas, you'd bet a buck. You would have won $10, everybody. Could have gone to McDonald's, get your $10 of those dollar meals. Walk down the street with your little Burger King hat on.

McDonald's, Burger King. Bill, who do you want to win? I'm such a cunt that when Hillary's winning, I want Trump to win. When Trump is winning, I want Hillary to win. And literally, because I live in L.A., I like saying Trump shit just to annoy people. But if I lived in Kentucky, I would be going like, Hillary, man. I just like annoying people. That's what it really comes down to.

Like, you know, as much as people think I'm a misogynist I agree with 90 percent of the shit feminists say until it comes out of a woman's mouth and then I argue it how dare you then I argue it because that's who I am that's who I am and I understand who I am. And I understand that. And I don't try to steer away from it. The Machine, Bert Kreischer, Showtime, Friday night, 10 p.m., 11, right? 10 p.m. on Showtime. It's called The Machine. What if you live in the mountains?

Why couldn't you get 11 p.m.? I asked him, I said, why don't we go do 11, 11, 11? He was like, well, you want to lose a million viewers? And we can do that. Or we can do it at 11 p.m.? I asked him, I said, why don't we go do 11, 11, 11? They were like, well, you want to lose a million viewers? And we can do that. Or we can do it at 10 p.m. And I was like, oh, let's do it at 10 p.m. That sounds good. Where are we at, Bill? We're at 232, 209, Donald Trump, but there's still some sandals.

I got 238. Update. Oh, fuck. The audience is better than us again. Wait, are you guys guessing my weight? The fucking screen's not connected to the keyboard. Update. Oh, fuck. The audience is better than us again. Wait, are you guys guessing my weight? The fucking screen's not connected to the keyboard. Yeah. 244, 209.

Who's the 209? Oh, my God. Clinton's at 209. Oh, my God. A reality TV show star is pulling ahead over the wife of a president, you know? He should have chose Dat Fan as his running mate. What do you really think about it. The only thing good about this is

MILF porn is going to take off. Like, First Lady porn is just going to skyrocket. Good point. First Lady porn. And it'll be starring the actual First Lady porn. If Hillary wins and Bill gets back into the, like, sort of the office, but he doesn't have the responsibility

of having to take calls and all of that shit. How much pussy is this guy going to get? This is what's amazing about Hillary. She did the exact same thing Al Gore did, where she just completely shut that guy out of her fucking campaign because he's such a, you know, you start sticking cigars in people's twats. I mean, people got to take a step back.

I think Bill's going to play it straight up all first ladies. Going to do the dishes. You know what I mean? Just laundry shit like that. Is this what you ladies do? Somebody called it the first gentleman today. Did you see that?

The guy's the furthest from a gentleman. You know what I love about him? I'm not judging him, but when Trump called him out for being a pussy hound too and he had the fucking balls to sit there with that fucking angry look on his face he should have just been like, hey, you got me. You got me.

I love it. I love Hillary but I love pussy. I love Hillary enough to stay with her but I, you know, the fucking, you know, if it's there. Get that sweet Paula Jones pussy. Come in a room with round walls. What am I supposed to do?

I got a nice humidor for some of the Cubans that Kennedy bought right before the embargo. What am I supposed to do? What is any person supposed to do in that situation? That's what I ask you. As we wait for the final decision on Pennsylvania, it is riveting. Joe, you're live. Bill, by the way, that was the best. You're live in Sarasota.

How high are you right now? I took one hit. This is Jameson. Give credit where credit is due. I think it's both. I think it's both. No, no, no. You weed guys

always want to take credit for fucking this hey man. Where'd that thinking come from? That can come from Jameson too. All right? I'm a big fan of alcohol so I agree.

At the same time. Hey Joe, you know what? I'm a big fan of you and that's the pot speaking. Right? Just reaching out. I'm a big fan of you, and that's the pot speaking. Right? Just reaching out. I'm a big fan of you. By the way, that is a moment that will live.

This is the greatest podcast ever. I'm having such a good time. This should be on MSNBC. This is fucking how the news should be delivered. Can I just say one thing? Donald Trump projected to win Iowa. Six electoral votes. I was just in Iowa.

Projected. Not surprised. Projected. I loved Iowa, but electoral votes. I was just in Iowa. Projected. Not surprised. Projected. I loved Iowa, but they love guns. They're like, listen, bitch, we got important decisions to make. Number one is we live in the middle of the fucking nowhere. We need guns.

It's 238-209-TRUMP. iPhone? iPhone. 234 on T-Mobile, bitch. 244, yeah. I'm behind, bro yeah I don't know we're running out of sandal states here this doesn't look good man 244

244 Where's Waldo says it's 244 over here You got that new sprint? I just want to say that I've always been for Trump and I'm really excited about Trump. And when he looks back and watches this big podcast that happened,

that I was always for you, Donald. When you do the old cleansing, I'm going to be one of your top spokesmen claiming it now. Out of all these guys, they're all making jokes against you. I was on your side, buddy. Tony Hinchtoff's like the Nazi in the strain. I just want to stay, whatever the fuck this guy's doing.

People are going to move to Canada and Mexico, but he's about to nuke there, so that shit's over. I mean, he's hitting the red button like a fucking, I don't know, like Benjamin Button's over there. It's all going to be fine. It's all going to be fine. Everybody fucking, we're all cool. We're good. He's going to quit in two years. Fuck this job.

He's going to be the first guy ever. It'll be great. In two years. And then his vice president will be like, you asshole. Dude, he'll quit over Twitter. Yeah. Yeah, he will. All you got to do is just keep giving him shit, and he won't even pay attention to the foreign policy.

He'll be too busy tweeting at fucking Jon Stewart. Here's my new prediction. In the next three months, Donald Trump sells the White House. Yeah. To some fucking crazy billionaire. Who gives a fuck? I say he loans his name to it. He's going to flip that White House.

Yeah. He puts his name on it like those shitty hotels. You guys are so high, you're living in a shitty reality show. He's actually going to shoot his new show in the White House. You're fired right in the White House. He'll choose his Secretary of State apprentice style. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Foreign policies. Omaroso, you get a... Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is huge right now. We're waiting. This is the thing. It's huge. Clinton is

ahead 48.2% to 45%. She needs this shit. If Trump takes this, dude, it is fucking over. Like Michael Corleone. Godfather 2. Over. Wasn't a boy.

A lot of Catholics in Pennsylvania. Wasn't a boy. A lot of Catholics in Pennsylvania. That's Trump territory right there. What's crazy is that people in other countries are watching this 50-50 race and they're watching it happen just like we are and they're all like

not so united after all because we do it like with these states like fucking idiots it should just be straight up popular vote bitches look at California it's split up the map is redder than's split up. Look at that. Yeah. The map is

redder than his face right now. Look at that. It's just all red. I got a question. Is it about time that we dissolve states? Yeah. Why is it when... That's the best part of driving cross country. Why is it when you take

pot to Wyoming and become a criminal? Shut up. He's right. Why do we need states? States are like these glorified boundaries in between lines of dirt we arbitrarily draw and decide, well, back when people used to ride with feathers, they decided this was Wyoming. And we're like, oh, well, I can't go

there with my fucking gay porn and people will get mad at me. Don't throw me in a fucking prison. That's ridiculous, right? It is ridiculous. But it's great. It's a great feeling of progress as you drive across the country. If it's just America, you need

them. This is a good point. We retain the name and we just abandon the idea that we can't all decide collectively without electoral colleges, without senators and representatives. We don't need representatives. We don't ride horses. How dare you boo me? I'm talking off the top of my head. Barely know what the fuck I'm saying.

You're booing me? You son of a bitch. Hey, when are you going to take me? Look at that guy at the bar that butts in. I don't even know you, bro. When are you going to take me wild boar hunting? Wild boar hunting. I want to go to that.

We're going to do it in the spring. Well, what we're going to do. There's something about a pig I could fucking blow its brains out I don't like the noise they make I don't want to blow its brains out That's a difficult shot What about this, Joe? What if we divvy it up

into 50 different countries? Whoa No, no The United States You don't want to do that No, why would you do that? Well, because then you'd stay away from certain countries

But you'd all be vulnerable They could pick you off one by one. We could all fucking go to war. Don't give Trump any ideas. Is that for me? The problem is, listen, the problem with that is that Texas is one of the fucking countries.

Oh, yeah. If we had a war of the countries, Texas would be so far ahead of us. Don't take a hit off that. Don't take a hit off that. They have tigers. They have nuclear weapons. You can get a nuclear weapon. But if you're a germaphobe... I heard your herpes bit.

I got a great herpes story with Rogan, but... My first. I have the good herpes On my dick Rogan has the unfortunate Lip herpe here and again But back then They call them cold sores

On your mouth They don't go ooh Is it chilly where you're from on your dick So Rogan This is Thank you Dean So Rogan, this is... I can just... Thank you, Dean. So, Rogan, we're doing the man show.

This is before I've just, like... Once I said I have herpes, almost every one of my friends goes, Oh, fuck, I have herpes, too. Because we fuck. They say, like, one out of five. That's including everybody. Like your grandparents.

So if you're fucking, it's like one out of two. So Rogan gets a cold sore on his lip. And I had just gotten Valtrex. And we have to film the next day. He's like, fuck, I wish I had Valtrex because I'm getting a cold sore. And I had it. But I didn't fuck, I wish I had Valtrex because I'm getting a cold sore. And I had it. But I didn't want to admit that I had herpes. So I made him tape with a lot of gunky makeup on his fucking face.

Sorry, Joe. How dare you? Sorry, Joe. How dare you, Doug? Hey, Bill, do you mind if I drink off the bottle with my cock? No, why don't you just pour I drink off the bottle with my cock? No, why don't you just pour it into a glass like a goddamn gentleman? Guilty as charged.

I don't know what happened, but I was a little baby when I realized it. I get these little sores on my lip. And I knew that one day one of my best friends would shame me for these sores. These sores that I had no control over. I was born with these sores. I had them since I was a tiny little boy, nervous and scared, lonely in the world, not knowing, not being certain about the future. But this guy, getting coked up

and banging hookers, fucking driving on greyhound buses across the country, fucking everybody in the ass. This guy got herpes too. Maybe a different kind of herpes. What do you think? Maybe the little baby everybody in the ass. This guy got herpes too. Maybe a different kind of herpes. What do you think? Maybe the little baby, the little kid should have got to decide whether or not.

I woke up one day, I had cold sores. I didn't fuck anybody. I got cold sores. No Coke, no Adderall, no mushrooms, no bad decisions. That's so boring. What the fuck is this? I don't know what the fuck this is.

Meanwhile, Doug Stanhope, one of my best friends. Sit on my lap. Jeez, Joe, you don't have to be such a sore loser about the situation. I've known Doug for a long time. If he starts to shake, get off his legs he's going to not tell you that he's injured

this is not good you're going to choke his legs out he looks like a puppet anyway Tony, give us your thoughts on the war you mean Civil War 2 starting tomorrow out? You mean Civil War 2 starting tomorrow? Out in reality tomorrow. Civil War 2.

The Battle of America. The sequel you never thought you'd see again. Get out! Is there an outcome, Bill? No, I'm just watching this. They're projecting all these states. Oh my God. Pennsylvania is 48.2 to 48.2.

92% of the vote is in, and they just did like four other states, and they were projecting Trump winning those. What, Nevada? Hillary's up 49.3. 44.8. Hillary Clinton. Minnesota. 48.9 to 48.3.

Hillary Clinton. The tension's killing you. What's the total? Guys, I'm going to jump in with some breaking news He's got the feed Bert Kreischer, what's up? It should be noted that yesterday my dad pulled all of his money out of the stock market

and right now the stock market has halted because it's dropped so low No, it's supposed to already be closed How is it halted? Bill, you don't know when they're going to listen to this. Asian markets. It's Asian markets.

Bill, I know a lot of stuff. It's Asian markets. They'll stop buying up Sunset Strip. Like that guy just said in the audience. They're going to stop buying up Sunset Strip. Come at us. Same score. All right.

It's still 238-209. It's down to the most. It could be off at one day. Do you realize the fucking people, when someone gets elected or not gets elected, the people that move that money, it's not guys like you or me. They always go like stockholders freaked out. No, it's the fucking Bilderberg cunts that can pull the whole thing out. Oh, yeah, because I saw it on a website.

Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin. Still too early to call. Too early to call. It's not comb over till the fat lady sings. You know who had the best take on this? I just thought of it right then. Don't look at me like that, Bill. I don't even need to look at you to know what's going on right now.

You know, Tony, I loved you until that moment. Neil deGrasse Tyson. All right, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Minnesota, Wisconsin. Get your fucking head out of the way, lady. Michigan. Those are all mustard. How drunk are you? Pennsylvania.

Dude, I've had like nine of these things. New Hampshire, Michigan. It was no secret we were going to come out here and get fucked up. That was the mission of this. No secret. Did you Uber? There's no reason to. I'm fucking walking.

I'm staying down the street. I'm walking. Oh, yeah? Oh, yes. Occasionally, I'll fucking... I'll roll the dice. Yeah. You know?

I've been there. You get in there. You want a little excitement in your life. I've been there. How about everything I ever worked for gets pushed onto the table? Let's see what happens. Fuck other people's loved ones. I want a taco.

I want a taco. It's like the shit your pants of life. He's just fucking rolling the dice. You're going to be with me on this. I'm here. When you listen to someone just to hear what you want them to say, the podcast you did with Burr.

Oh. There's like three hours. Yeah. And Segura. Yeah. And at some point, Bill Burr said, you know what? Fuck it. I'm drinking for the rest of my life.

I need a heater. I remember old podcasts where you go, I'm not going to drink for like 43 days. It's good for your liver. I'm still sober. And I'm like, ooh, that's bad. And when he said that on your podcast where he goes, fuck it. I'm drinking forever. I'm going to drink until I die.

Fuck it. I go, I'm never listening to Bill Burr again because I heard what I want to hear. It's enjoyable. It doesn't get in the way of my life. I have nothing to do for the rest of the night. I am walkable distance away from my bed. There's no reason to be sober. That's why I drink on the road.

The best part of the podcast is at the very end, we've done a three done like a three hour podcast totally sober and bill goes i could use a heater and cigar goes what and he goes something to make the drive interesting home that's when i learned what a heater was because i heard him say yeah and i had to corner him in the green room last week and go hey the heater i thought that was a cigar but but that's a shot? I was a fucking complete fanboy. Like, I listened to your podcast. I booked you a Chilkoot Charlie's.

Sorry about the band house. But a heater, is that a thing or a thing? What's a heater? Doug Stanhope's one of my all-time favorite people. Something about Doug Stanhope that always drives me crazy. Somehow or another, is one of my all-time favorite people. Something about Doug Stano that always drives me crazy is that he, somehow or another,

he's got a filter for love. He denies it in some sort of way. He gets to this point where he just keeps him honest as a comic. He wants to pretend that people don't love him when people love the fuck out of him.

Every now and then we gotta go, it's like, alright, dude. In my opinion, he's one of my favorite all-time comedians. And I'm just so... Having you guys as friends, Tony Hinchcliffe, Bird,

Eleanor, I love the fuck out of you. of Eleanor, I love the fuck out of you. All right, Dean Del Rey, I love the fuck out of you. I love you, man. You're one of my favorites of all time. Where does Jen make this shit on all of this afternoon? He's crying. He's crying. No one's hugging him right now.

I love that dude. He's in a Donald Trump rally. Dude, every one of these. It's okay. He could, but I'll give him a kiss, rally Dude every one of these It's okay he could But I'll give him a kiss please Every one of these states I'm telling you dude

It's like It's within like Fucking 2,000 votes It's crazy I'm gonna start a new show On CBS Michigan On mushrooms

1.742 million Versus 1.719 million We're gonna start With the yoga class Wisconsin 1.2 Versus 1.1. I'm going to get him to hang around with me.

He's going to like to meditate. It's one show, one quick show, Donald. No big deal. 12 episodes. Around six episodes in. Hold on, hold on. Doug's pulling a Burt right now, Joe. Those are great chicken tenders.

You want us to get you some food? Because I really need to eat. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Watch people have some fucking vegetables. Oh, shit. Sarah Tiana, ladies and gentlemen. I don't want to take your microphone.

How are you? How are you? I'm wearing my Never Tap your microphone. How are you? How are you? I'm wearing my Never Tap Out shirt. Super important. With Hillary and Ruth Bader Ginsburg and FLOTUS on it. Oh, wow. Your vote counted for nothing today. Whoa.

First lady. Oh, first lady. Oh, FLOTUS. Was I supposed to know that? FLOTUS. For real? That's what Trump's's gonna call his haircut tomorrow so we have a very interesting like subject group floatus potus and floatus right yeah did you know

what float is did you immediately recognize it did you no that's what i'm saying this dude has to say that he still wants to engage in romantic relationships with you. I'm just kidding. Flotus and POTUS, this is all important. Do you recognize Flotus? Yes. You have a wife. No one comes to see, oh, where's Joe Rogan's wife? I paid for Rogan.

You're the fucking wife. What he's saying is it's a weird gig to be the first lady. I'm not to go on tilt, Joe, but I'm going on tilt. What does the fucking wife of the guy matter? That's it. Michelle Obama for president.

Fuck it. I think the wife... Are you saying... Are you saying the wife of the president? Barbara Bush for president. Are you saying the wife of the president? Never heard either one of their policies. Just what color is their blouse?

Are you saying that the wife of the president of the United States doesn't matter? I'm saying that Michelle Obama, the current wife, should run for president. No, absolutely. Why? Because she danced on Ellen? Being the wife of the president versus actually running the country is so fucking different. Give me a fucking break.

So if you marry some dude and you're out there crushing it in arenas, your husband should then go do fucking stand-up because he hung around your comedy notebook. It's not different. It's not different. This whole fucking thing with these first ladies fucking picking a goddamn cause and all of a sudden like, ooh, they're presidential is fucking ridiculous. It's not ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous at all. It's not ridiculous. It's not ridiculous at all. It's not ridiculous because women have an opinion, and we talk in your ear all the time. Are you telling me that when you designed your house, it was all your decision? It has nothing to do with sex. And your wife didn't have anything to do with it? No, it has nothing to do with sex. Are you telling me that you can go on tour wherever the fuck you want, and your wife is like, yeah, sure, go ahead. I'll wait this out.

What it has to do with is actually doing the job. What do you mean doing the job? My mother was a nurse. I hung out with her forever. She's a lawyer just like him. Time out. My mother was a nurse. I hung out with her my whole fucking life. Right. Okay? If someone came into the ICU unit, I didn't know what the fuck to

do. Well, that's because you're not trained. I hung around with her with scrubs. That's completely different. You're not trained as a nurse barack obama is a lawyer and so is michelle that's not a politician but it doesn't matter like he wasn't a politician when he got elected that was the whole thing about no no no he had been a senator going from little experience you're talking about going from never being a politician to the highest fucking office ever. Which is exactly what Trump is doing. That's exactly what Donald Trump just did. I'm not voting. I didn't vote for him, you fucking lunatic.

I'm not saying you did. You see that? That is sexist shit right there. I didn't say you did. Right there. I didn't say that you did. Right there. I didn't say that you did.

Right fucking there. That is the bullshit. That is not what I said. That is the double standard fucking bullshit. I did not say that you voted for him. I was a white knight and I was trying to fuck Sarah Tiana, I'd be yelling at you right now, Bill Burr. I'm not trying to. It's not what I said.

It's such fucking bullshit. I'll wait until you're done. Do you think, who is that billionaire? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Let, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Let me ask you this.

Do you think... It's just a monk. Yeah. That's exactly what that is. He took his shirt off. He waved it around. We reacted to it. Who's that fucking dope

who fucked up New York City just because he had a billion dollars? He was never in office. Do you think that... Yeah, that fucking dope who fucked up New York City just because he had a billion dollars? He was never in office. Do you think that... Yeah, that fucking guy. Jerk off. Total fucking jerk off and he's got a dick.

So there you go. Mrs. Bloomberg. I don't know what his wife is. Well, it doesn't... No, I'm saying that guy was a jerk off and he actually transcended the state constitution and was like, fuck it... I'm not... No, I'm saying that guy was a jerk-off, and he actually transcended the state constitution and was like,

fuck it, I'm not then being the fucking guy here, and continued on. That was bullshit. And this is the thing. If you fucking do... The thing about all of this shit is if you criticize Hillary, it means automatically you're a sexist.

I didn't say that. I just said that the first lady... You kind of assumed that I was then voting for Trump? No, I didn't. Look, if Hillary was really in Bill's ear, then you think... Don't put words in my mouth. That's not what I said. I'm interpreting what you said to me.

You said that someone with no experience can't take on the highest office of the world, and I said, but Trump just did that. That's all I said. Trump has no experience, and he's going to take over in the office. That's the point I was making. I was not saying that he voted for Trump.

And I don't understand what your point is. Your point is that Hillary is no different than a reality TV show star? No, we're talking about first ladies. That's like what your point is? And you said the first lady right now, Michelle Obama, could never be president because you can't go from no experience to running the biggest office in the world. I never said that. I disagree because that's what Trump believes. I 100% never said that.

That's what I thought you said. That's what you inferred. First wives matter. I mean, if we want to. First wives do matter. If we want to rewind it. That is 100% what you inferred. I don't think so.

I'm almost positive I just reacted to what you said. So we can rewind it, but if you didn't, you inferred. I don't think so. I'm almost positive I just reacted to what you said. So we can rewind it, but if you didn't, you didn't. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi. Sir, you have a Twitter handle. Hold on. Hold on, people. She's not going to just be voted into. She would have to run.

What's your Twitter handle, sir? I never said any of that. All I said was, the First Lady has experience in office. I'll find you. I'll find you. I'll find you. There's no reason for you guys to be in dispute. You're both beautiful.

We're not. We're just disagreeing. We don't like each other. This is the point that I'm making. If you're married to someone not in the field that you're in, does not make you qualified to do their job. That's all I just said. If you're married to a guy who builds houses and you don't build houses,

that doesn't mean that I want to live in something that you just fucking built. That's all I'm saying. Bill, you make some good points. Sarah, I know you'd like to say something too. Oh, whoa, whoa. That's not what I'm saying. Bill Burr. Sarah and Tiana would also like to speak.

Oh, whoa, whoa. That's not what I'm saying. Bill Burr. Sarah and Tiana would also like to speak. No, I'm just saying that, like, of course, you're saying that if she is, just because you're married to somebody with a job, Sarah, now that Trump's in the lead, you're not allowed to talk with us.

Mocking you, apparently. Jesus, I feel like... Shut up! I feel like I'm listening to somebody talk about why the Cleveland Indians were the best team in baseball last year. I mean, it's already pretty much over. No, no, no, no. This is whether Bob Backlund was better than Randy the Superfly Snooker.

No, this is where a paid regular trash is an open mic-er. Everybody knows it's Bob Backlund. It's a nonsense argument. There are not two teams. There's not Team Penis and Team Vagina. And you can't switch leagues. Thank you, Joe. Okay? Yeah. Which is why I brought up

Bloomberg. I was trying to transcend this fucking horseshit of what is your genitalia? This is therefore what you think. That's all I was trying to transcend. You brought up a good point that if you don't know how to do the job,

why do we have democracy? Why are we voting? We're fucking all dumb on this panel. We're all stupid about it. We're smarter than the people who paid to be here. That's so not true. I guarantee you

there's a hundred people way fucking smarter than me looking at me right now going, all right, I... I, for one, would like to say we're totally qualified to be talking about this. I think we're good. I don't know why anyone would question the opinions

that we have. Can we just address this real quick? Doug, you're a victim of your own self-hate. You're beautiful. You're one of my favorite people that's ever walked the face of the planet. You're up there with Genghis Khan and Abraham Lincoln,

so settle the fuck down. Are you calling me a mud race? Strange. Ain't no Genghis in my house. It's an amalgamation of fucking step people. People who lived in the step, they lived in felt tents. My point was that democracy is flawed

and that idiots can vote. Burr was saying... They can run, too. They know what they do, but we vote for them. Honest question. What's the solution? I called us dumb before I called you dumb. We're all dumb, really. There's no way. I barely keep

paying attention to what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know what you... you know what I think the solution is we just have to wait for idiots to die and we have to hope that smarter people keep getting born that is true that's why the Duggars need to be executed

we're not going anywhere Sarah I just had two daughters you're part of the problem. Sarah Tiana, I don't necessarily disagree with you, but I think even those people, they're just a victim circumstance. Hillary won Nevada. Hillary won Nevada. It's only six fucking electoral votes.

What were the odds on that? All right, 238, 215 going into the fourth quarter. Who's ahead? Hillary's so excited she just passed out. Trump is ahead. Trump is ahead, 238, 250. Listen to you, ma'am. What?

We're still waiting for Pennsylvania. They haven't called Wisconsin yet, right? They haven't called Wisconsin. They haven't called Minnesota. They haven't called Pennsylvania. What's left? What are her options? Is it easy? She has to called Wisconsin. They haven't called Minnesota. They haven't called Pennsylvania. Here's what's left. What are her options? Is it easy?

She has to get Wisconsin and Michigan. If she gets the mustard-colored states. You know what's really scary? Michigan, Wisconsin. I don't know what's going on, dude. I didn't know I was going to be in front of the computer. We already know that we are little children that got older. Yeah. And this is what this fucking system is based on.

Little children that got older back when they used to ride horses. That's what this is. That's so meta. It's real. It is real. No, I love it. You're so right. I never rode a horse.

Everybody looks at this whole fucking thing like there's a long history of the United States. People lived to be 100 years. The United States was founded in 1776. That's three people ago. Three people who started this fucking thing. Oh, that's kind of trippy. Joe Rogan, I have breaking news. Ladies and gentlemen, from my home state of Florida,

Amendment No. 2, medical marijuana has passed. Oh! And ladies and gentlemen of Joe Rogan's home stadium. All of a sudden I got a headache. Joe Rogan, it is also passed in the state of Massachusetts. Someone light another joint, bitch.

The problem with that is if people get high in Massachusetts, they realize, listen, there's a place I can go in January where it's not nearly as fucking cold. Wait, we have more breaking news. Hillary just announced the start of her new reality show tomorrow. It starts taping tomorrow immediately. What's the name of it, Tony?

Tony. You quick motherfucker. Secretary of Stakes. Who's gonna win? Wait, and also the Secret Service just tweeted for the first time ever. They just said, lols. That's it. That's all they said.

They just said lols. They're in for a party, those guys. Looks like the secret's out. Somebody's tweeting. Trump's going to be taking pictures of the guys in the hallway. These guys are creep. Where's Joey Diaz? Joey Diaz is a man of many mysteries.

You never know. Joey Diaz will be here. We're going to 11, motherfuckers. It's only 9.30 right now. I thought he was here because I saw him on Periscope. I just want to let you guys know that the only reason why you have to pay money is because of Doug Stanhope. This motherfucker. I was like, you're going to figure out what to do with the money.

We talked about this early when we first talked about this. Yes. Yeah, Morgan. Yeah, let's start taking over. Ladies and gentlemen. Morgan Murphy,

ladies and gentlemen. Morgan Murphy. Morgan Murphy, perhaps you should be could be of some insight. We're thinking about a charitable donation for all the money

that we're We're not taking money from that. You're not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Doug Stanhope, I or all the money that we're... We're not taking money from that. You're not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Doug Stanhope, I, or all the guests have... Bill Burr, you would be with me.

We're not going to give this to a fucking charity that's going to get 90% to pay a CEO and make T-shirts. Absolutely, absolutely. So we have to figure out what to do with the money, and we'll do that. But we're not taking a dime. No, we'll find some weird people. That kind of corner, keep it.

I say we give it to the shirtless guy. Oh, my God. Why don't you just sponsor people who want to move from this country? Why don't you just sponsor people's trips out of... That's the smartest move. Because, honestly, the hardest thing is finding someone to help you move.

If we found one dude... I'm sorry. No, it's fine. Yeah, yeah. If we found one dude... There's a microphone there. Someone shall get selected. I'm leaving.

Yeah. Okay, we're going to pay you. Yeah, pay for them to leave. This money. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. It's a really good concept.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, there you go. All right. Put his money where his mouth? I don't know. Sarah Tiana, do you lean right or lean left? You seem like a chick with a gun. No, no, I'm terrified of guns.

What? I am, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't understand. Like, my brother-in-law has a bunch of them, and I'm always like, why do you need them? He's like, I'll go to protect this house. I'm like, but nobody wants your DVD player.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't understand. But I also don't understand. Like, I don't mind a shotgun because my dad had a shotgun when we were growing up. And we ate the food he killed that one time, you know. So it was fine. But I don't like semi-automatic weapons. I think they're weird.

So you think there should be limitations on how easy it is to kill things? Yeah, because I feel like... So they get effective. Don't you feel like the same person that buys a semi-automatic weapon is the same person that buys a Ferrari jacket? That's a really good question. You're like, I don't know, that seems excessive. You know what I mean?

I was at home and I was listening to that on Netflix and I go... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. Who wear Ferrari racing shoes? Shoes like wrestling shoes? Everybody I smoke with at the Coffee Bean, they're all Uber drivers and they all have Ferrari shoes

and I fucking love it. I love it. What kind of cigarettes do they smoke? I don't know what they smoke. It's always like a brand that you're like, where did you buy that brand? We share a tree. Bill Burr, fun fact, Morgan Murphy, fucking fantastic boxing fan, knows a shitload about boxing. Huge.

Huge. Oh, yeah. She always has the fight nights over her place. I'm like five years deep into Golovkin, and people are now getting, you know, it's fine, but that's what I feel like now. I feel like I was nine years deep into Pacquiao and then it got... I don't know. I just find out about things sooner than other people.

It makes me better. Well, you know about old shit too, though. What? You know about old shit too. A little bit. Like, you know, I don't know, like basic shit. Full house. You and I had a know, like basic shit. Full house. You and I had a conversation about Roberto Duran.

Yeah. Yeah, we had a long Duran conversation. She knows a lot of him. I used to fly out. I would do overnights from work, and I would fly out to see Golovkin. I saw Golovkin fight like a Fox Sports 4, like 2 a.m. fight, and I was like, who's this guy? And I went to every American fight he had until he was, like, famous.m. fight and I was like, who's this guy? And I went to every

American fight he had until he was like famous. Now I can't afford to go anymore. But I would fly out overnight. I bumped into Wanda Sykes on a plane and we were both like

lesbians going to a, I'm not lesbian, but I seem like I am. Based on every, based on everything I like, say, and do, I seem like I'm a lesbian. It's a,

it's a, everybody thinks that too because we look good in blazers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, well, sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. I have opinions.'m a lesbian. Everybody thinks that too because we look good in blazers. And then you're like, well, sorry. I'm sorry I have opinions. The way you said full house seemed like you were watching it on there in the way.

I'm one of these fucking assholes that keep saying all these states are too close to call. It's like, call them. It's been 238. It's been 238 to 215 for like a fucking hour. Isn't it? It's too late to call them. Pennsylvania, I Isn't it? It's too late to call. Like, Pennsylvania.

I don't understand. It's too late to call. You sound like my mom. It's like fucking one in the morning out there. They don't know by now? What are the junkies? What do you think Hillary and Trump are doing right now? What?

What do you think Hillary and Trump are doing right now? Are they blasting each other? No, they're talking about their ice skating. That's the only way Trump lets somebody suck his dick. That way they don't look at his head. I don't think Trump is... Lock it up! Lock it up! Trump isn't jerking off to celebrate.

He's jerking off to relax because he's completely freaked out right now that any of this is happening. I don't think he... I don't know if he wanted it. I don't know if he wanted it i don't know if he expected that's what you say all of a sudden you're living in brentwood and your back wall's made out of glass and you drive a ferrari and the guy at the fucking local coffee bean gets i get. I get it. And my trainer's driving my dog to... The next thing you know, you're a producer. And the best kind of

producer works on movies that ain't going nowhere. So you constantly deal with desperate people. And you're giving them coke and driving them around in Ferraris to your fucking house with glass windows. Just because I think positively doesn't make me a sellout. Yes. What happens? I said just because I

think positively doesn't make me a sellout. Yes. What happens? I said just because I think positively doesn't make me a sellout. I thought he was fucking around. I did too. Yeah, right? He didn't think he was fucking around in the beginning? Which guy? Trump. Like just throwing his name in.

Is this a real conversation? Yes. Well, you have to admit, the guy doesn't really have a plan. He's like, I'm going to make this fucking great. Well, how are you going to do that? Oh, you'll see. Yeah. I mean, it doesn doesn't really have a plan. He's like, I'm going to make this fucking great. Well, how are you going to do that? Oh, you'll see. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't really sound like a plan.

He's never given an answer. And somehow we just kept riding it. Yes. It's fucking astounding. It's the most amazing thing I've ever fucking seen. And now we're here. We're here. Losing. Isn't that half the fun?

I'm going to be in the DMT and I still blame him for ruining my life. You were good. You did a good job. You did a good job. You did a good job. Why do we have a president? Guys, guys, calm down. I got here after the who did what announcement. I got to know who's on what before I keep talking.

I don't even remember Brendan Walsh leaving. He's like a goddamn magician to me. I'm like, where's Brendan? I went to him. I went to him to connect. Oh, he's gone. Time's missing. Bill Burr can't handle a fucking iPad. Put it down on the table.

The fucking screen won't stand up. Thank God they have a black guy and a white guy. They got a black guy next to a white guy with white hair. Jesus Christ. Diversity in the house. His hair is going to change. All presidents' hairs change.

No, thank you. How much do you think the emails have to do with this? How much do you think the emails have affected this election? No, no, no, no. I'm going to jump into this. It's liberals. Liberals have ruined this. They are the ones that fucked this up.

And they made these conservative farmers feel like they didn't have a voice. And then all of a sudden they rose back up and they were like, fuck you with your handcrafted shoes from Brooklyn. And that is what, and I'm telling you, and I'm saying this from friends from Florida who voted for Trump. They just feel like they don't have a voice. You get in trouble if you say something a little racist or a little sexist. And that, and that, I'm saying this from friends from Florida who voted for Trump, they just feel like they don't have a voice. You get in trouble if you say something a little racist or a little sexist. I'm being serious. If you're a regular person, you get fired, and that is what fucked this up. If liberals had just been cool and just been like,

all right, cool, we just won't say the N-word, then we'd all... Local correctness is the new McCarthy. Is it okay? Doug Stanhope. Who are they, Bert? You talk about them, but we're fed this shit from the media. We act like that's not our social circle.

So your friends were upset that they couldn't be racist or sexist, and they felt like they didn't have a voice. So they voted for a reality TV show star to be the leader of the free world. It's super sad. That's the math on that? Don't you guys all wish that Anderson Cooper was laying his head in John King's lap on CNN right now? I wish. This is true political analysis right here.

I wish I knew who the fuck John King was. I'd laugh at that. I had a bad day. Oh, yeah, yeah, that'd be fucking hilarious, Google. If you look at these John King dudes. The sandy-haired guy earlier. Burr's on the fucking...

He's got the shit going on. He'll show you John King. No, this thing is like magic. It's like the screen is not connected to the keyboard But it all works I don't get, like, how the fuck Like, that I can do that Like, how does that work? Hey, guys, we don't have headphones on

So if we talk over each other If you guys talk over each other It's going to be a disaster That would have been a great point three hours ago I'm sorry I'm super sorry Alright we give all the money to Bill Burr Come on man Bill Burr is going to give it to some awesome charity

He's a smart guy How funny is it there's a blonde lady next to the blackest guy That's ever been on TV in the last 10 years And then next to each other talking about the news. It looks like a health insurance billboard. That's that guy Luke Cage from Netflix. He's out there kicking ass. He's a fucking, look at him.

He's a goddamn barbarian. That guy's built like a fucking savage. Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin. Still too close to call. I feel like we're having so much fun in here, but outside is chaos. Too close to call. I feel like we're having so much fun in here, but outside is chaos. Too close to call. Just fucking, people are like, what the fuck is going on?

There's fucking packs of coyotes eating through people at the mall. It's all of the bitches. The new Ice Age is coming. I just came from outside. Too close to call, Bart. I left 12 just terrified people at my house to come here tonight. They're just at your house? They're at my house.

In tears. Like, people are half in tears. Hey, what's the movie with Snake? Honestly, somebody was crying on my deck tonight thinking they were going to lose their health insurance. Liberals need to toughen the fuck up. You know what I mean? You didn't win an election. You're going to start fucking crying.

Go rake your fucking leaves in your front yard. No, it's people who have Obamacare. Oh, my God. What know what I mean? You didn't win an election. You're going to start fucking crying. Go rake your fucking leaves in your front yard. You'll be fine. Oh my God! What's going to happen? Is the fucking clouds going to land on you? Bert Kreischer gets up. Seriously, liberals need to toughen up. I mean, I lean left. But they fucking need to toughen up.

Bert Kreischer is the Apollo clown right now. He's just walking out. It's like that monkey with the tambourine that's just like... I know, but it's not the voice. It matters a little bit more if you lose. Can I tell you something?

You're going to be fine. No, I... Yes, you're right. You're right. We're all going to be fine, yes. He's not going to be able to get anything done. No, it's such a disease

to think that. The person had on a blue shirt. Now my life's going to be better. They're on a red fucking bow or whatever. Whatever the fuck the chick's putting their hair. They're going to fucking win. Yeah, you're going to be fine. You make your own opportunity.

You pull yourself up by your own fucking bootstraps. At the end of the day, you do. Very American, Bill. Right, but we're all given, like, some people are given like a one and a three. Another dude gets two aces, right? We get lucky.

We all do. But the guy with two aces doesn't give a shit and he's never gonna. And when you're an adult and you realize that and you play the one and the three and do what the fuck,

that's your best bet. To try to get someone with two fucking aces to give a fuck? That's basically a trust fund, kid? To get them to give a shit about anybody below someone who just owns a Chili's, forget about the people who work there,

is fucking impossible. Most likely, most likely, depending upon how they're raised by their parents. And if they get really lucky and they find a conscientious parent that tries to explain to them things, they'll get a more nuanced perspective of life. But they're never going to have the same perspective as a guy like Mike Tyson who grows up in a horrible neighborhood. Absolutely not. And learns how to just be the best of the best with a fury that you cannot stop.

And that is only awarded to people that are suppressed. There's this weird thing that happens with human beings when we're suppressed, when out of that emerges this very bizarre, intense, like almost supernova-type energy that you see from people like Eddie Murphy or Richard Pryor or Chris Rock. There's a lot of them, right?

Donald Trump. Greg Fitzsimmons, where the fuck did he go? Where is Fitzsimmons? Sorry. I went for the joke. You guys just weren't there. Sorry. Can I say that have you heard that study about like, you know how they tried to figure out like if everybody, they always say like anybody

can be president of the United States, right? Like anybody, everybody in America has the same opportunities. But what they found is that some people have one opportunity and other people have many opportunities. And that's the difference. So are you saying the world isn't fair? But you are saying.

Yes, of course. No, but you're saying. You're saying suck it up. Oh, shit. You just got burned up. No, no, no, no, no. Sarah, but you're saying... You're saying suck it up. Oh, shit. You just got better at it. No, no, no, no, no. Sarah, take the charge. Take the charge.

Lay on the ground and let the rap man call the foul. I am totally 100% agree with you. The world is not fair, but what you're expecting is people who have the advantage to take the time, to have the maturity

to give a shit. They're not going to do it. That's not what I'm expecting. Oh, okay. We have not been I'm expecting. Oh, okay. We have not been connecting since the second you said that. I'll take 50% of it. I'll take 49. A great example of that is the Oscars.

Watch the Oscars, right? They're always talking about more and more diversity, but it never changes because you're asking for somebody to give up their nomination or their seat in the fucking show. And they're never going to fucking do it because they're cool with change for everybody else as long as they get theirs. And that's why it's very hard to get anybody changed because you're asking them to sacrifice themselves. Because they're selfish. It's getting too deep.

It's getting too deep. Somebody has on a yellow dress on CNN. I know. It's just beautiful. But don't you guys think that's famine thinking? I think that's because there's a limited ability to communicate with people

you didn't know just recently. Hey, what is some gum? 10, 20 years ago. What is some gum like the flavor lasts for fucking ever and then other gum

it's like it's gone in a minute. It's like the boy band of gum like oh my god this is fucking amazing and then i just plumb it how do you feel about that gum that the squirt gum gum the squirt gum it's not that it squirts it freaks me out it's just it's not it doesn't taste good powerful it's like mouthwash in the gum it's like tell us about your experience with that gum. I love the squirt gum. Because at the beginning, it's just so good, you know? And then it just kind of wears off and you're like, well, I just need to buy

more gum. Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin. Still too close to call. Did you just have a stroke? You made Tanker laugh, so you're killing right now. I sensed as a crowd and as an audience. Oh, we got a score in the back.

2020 what? First at home. Yeah. I don't know what that means, but I'll take it. For some reason, that was a Bruins-Tampa Bay score to me. I thought you said Stamkos. These dudes have some crazy fucking score going on in the back. That's okay, too. Hey, iPhone guy, what do you got? I still got 238, 215. What thought you said Stamkos. These dudes have some crazy fucking score going on in the back. That's okay too.

Hey, iPhone guy, what do you got? I still got 238, 215. What do you got? 215, 244. Oh, Trump. Oh, come on. Oh, the one of the fucking pillar. The red pillar in the corner loving it. He's gonna make his

life great. All bullshit aside. Donald Trump's going to call you tomorrow. How weird does this feel? Hey, you got to admit, even this motherfucker in the corner, nobody thought it was going to be this close.

This is insane. Who says it's awesome? For real, dude? My friend, no judgment. This is what you have? Bill Burr, this is the guy. Is this up his ass? Expected.

Expected. I'm not going to. I can't say to these people shit that might happen. Hold on. I want to hear this dude talk. What? Sir? This is like a town hall. No, but in a little. Great. to hear this dude talk. What? Sir? This is like a town hall.

No, but in a little... Great. We're all together here. Yeah, exactly. We're family. This is like a town hall, but nobody knows the issues. So it's a town hall. It's cold.

I called it today. And when I got to the booth, you stick your card in, and you start going over all the different things that you agree with or don't agree with. You go, ah, I should have fucking probably studied this. I was looking at all this shit. I was like, um, schools. Well, how much do they need?

What do they ask it for? I don't know what the fuck the parameters are. Did you guys already? Death row, but how'd they get on death row? What the fuck did they do? I don't know these dudes. You know something? If you actually researched it, it's still just as confusing.

I'm sure. Because I looked at all, I had my cheat sheet. I was in and out in 30 seconds, but like every fucking amendment was just like, hey, this is amendment to make sure the sun doesn't burn out. And then we need the sun to heat the earth. You're like, yeah, I'm for this. And then the next thing would be the argument again, be like, actually, this doesn't prevent the sun from burning out.

It's the exact opposite. This is pouring water on the sun. And by the end of it, you're just like, I don't know, who do I believe? And then you just look at who was for it, NRA, Ed Bagley Jr. It was all over the thing. And you're like, who agrees with this? Who does it disagree with? And that's what you went with.

That was it. But I had all my shit lined up. It was like I had all the answers to the test. And I would just flip the page. I was like, all right, two up, two down, one up. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Wham. Right?

Just like when I go to the airport. I'm ready to go right through the security line. Do you guys have a lot of people take their... I have consideration for the person behind me. Were you with a lot of people with their kids? Oh, sorry. Were you with a lot of people with their kids voting today? There was a little girl.

Who like over explained how to vote. A hundred people were drinking soda and eating chips. They were volunteering. Oh, really? I'm like, this is some weird poisoning we're watching. And it's a delicious poison. The people behind me were drinking homemade smoothies in cups with glass straws.

And I was like, oh, we're not going the way my line is. Isn't it weird that we're paying? I brought my dog, yeah. Wait, can I ask a question for those who voted in LA? Yeah. Were you guys like 90% yeses with like five nos? No, I had a lot of nos. I had no nos.

Wait a minute, what do you mean nos? I had a lot of nos. I had a no for nothing, I figured. And then when you picked your judges and... The question questions actual human beings you can't just yes and no no no no i mean i'm just saying like for all the things i voted no with the condoms and then yes yeah no with the condoms but like i was predominantly no with the tobacco tax right no no no i voted yes with the Patacos. Why? I voted yes for the... I voted yes for the Smokers.

Is that wrong? I don't smoke, though. I'm a heavy... I'll say this. I'm a heavy smoker. I voted yes on the tobacco tax. And then there was another one about building up the schools. I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

And then it was presented by the builders. I'm like, those crooked fucks. Yeah, fuck them. Morgan, what? I said I'm a heavy smoker. I voted yes on the tobacco tax. Whoa. I did.

Me too. I did too. Morgan. No, I think more money should go to research the shit that I'm doing to myself as I'm smoking. That's how I feel. I do. I feel like I would like to get older and find out I have something they already cured. Honestly, energy, drinks, and cigarettes have stunted my growth. I feel like I would like to get older and find out I have something they already cured. Honestly, energy drinks and cigarettes have stunted my growth.

I feel great. I voted for the Armenian. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a billboard on Virgil. I like him. You guys all vote no on the condoms thing? Yeah, no on condoms. No on condoms.

What'd you vote? I voted yes. What? You? Oh, my God. We got a rebel. I love it. We got a rebel.

Why would you do that? Well, because I think porn is ruining men, and I think that if you're not listening, that's not fair. You know she's right. Oh, my God. You know she's right. You know she's right. Oh, my God. You know she's right. You know she's right. No, I get it.

I get it. I get it. Because I voted. No, no, no. Let her talk. Let her talk. Okay, I'm sorry. I think that the one thing that porn is doing is, like, not making men, like, go out and

try to be, like, fucking, like, pick up chicks. And I feel like if they stopped watching porn and tried to be resourceful, that would be fucking epic. So you thought by voting for condoms, so it wasn't really the safety. You want to destroy pornography. No, I want men to try other things.

She wants to get hit on. I thought it was she cared about men. She just wants to get hit on more. No, that's not it. You didn't. I'm joking. Millenn hit on more. No, I care. No, that's not it. You didn't. I'm joking. I'm joking. Millennials are having less sex than their parents.

Like, guys don't want to go out anymore. How do they know that? They just want to jerk off. How the fuck would they know? Just out of curiosity. No, I just read. Just out of curiosity. I just read.

How could they possibly know if millennials are having more sex than their parents? Less sex than their parents. How do you know? They do research. How could they possibly know if millennials are having more sex than their parents? Less sex than their parents. How do you know? They do research. How? I don't know. Is there a scientist in your vagina? Yes or no?

Here's the other question. Here's the question. How do they not know? How many times have you been at a fucking mall and somebody goes, can you stop right now and take this survey? Anybody intelligent? I got shit to do. I can tell you.

I voted I think just young kids are just more interested in video games and Netflix and porn and why would they want to go out and fucking meet women? I voted no. I'm not saying they need to meet me. I'm not saying they need to meet me.

I'm not saying they need to meet me. I voted no on spitting into each other's mouths in porn. Is that weird? A man does not want to burden himself with the women in his life. And he wants just release. Yeah, I'm fine with that. Get rid of the monster inside his testicles. You go away.

You stop influencing my decision. You release the house. Are you in porn? You hate me too. And it helps the man sometimes if you watch other people fuck. I understand that, but I think everything in excess is ridiculous. Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, still too close to call. Everything in excess, including washing your fucking hands.

Still too close to call people I just think all of a sudden it makes the porn industry have to rethink what they're doing it just pushes it farther underground and makes it more dangerous so these girls have to have sex

in worse places that's all it does you're never going to get rid of it I believe you're a freedom of speech Eleanor your thoughts Girls have to have sex in worse places. That's all it does. You're never going to get rid of it. Hold on. I believe you're a freedom of speech. Eleanor, your thoughts? I'm trying.

I'm trying. Bert wants to yell, but no, I'm against it. I'm sorry, Sarah. I don't mean to go against what? I'm not afraid of it. That's right, bitch. I like how you think. Let's go dirty and let's not go. I'd like to fucking release it too, bitch. I like how you think. Let's go dirty and let's not go. I'd like to fucking release it too, Joe.

You have sex with someone and after it's done you go, all right, whatever. Alaska's still too early to call. I don't give a fuck about Alaska. I'm talking about making people. No, I'll get it. What? Let her speak.

Absolutely. It's all right. Sarah. Ele call. Sarah. Eleanor. Eleanor. Sarah, do you watch porn? Sarah, are you going to watch condom cover porn? He doesn't watch porn anymore.

See, I have a theory. It's that people that want condoms in porn are like people that say they hate Kanye. You just don't watch porn. You just don't listen to rap. If you listen to rap, then you love Kanye. Everybody wants to hate on Kanye and hate on condoms. They're very close. I agree.

Tony Hinchcliffe, I got a theory. I think a person can only watch so many people fuck in his whole lifetime. I think Sarah overdosed a long time ago. Sarah's been overprotected. She's had two condoms on her entire life. She's specialized in black dudes who wear Timberlands, like jump out of helicopters.

That's not true. They go in the snow, and there's girls, and they're running through the snow, and they trip, and their pants fall down. The only Magnum I want to see, the only Magnum I want to see in a porno is a big black guy fucking a dirty white trash white girl named Magnum.

I don't know. I mean all I know all I know is my experience with it. I forgot what we were talking about. I'm going to be honest. Tony fucked it up. You guys can all hate me.

No, I don't hate you. Sarah, nobody hates you. I'm not backing down from my position. I just think that there's too much porn out there. And it's making guys think that women want to do those positions. And every time I'm with a new guy, I'm like, what are you doing? How is that different than romantic comedies where guys run through airports

and fucking... It's unrealistic both ways. I agree. I'm going to take the next level. Wait a minute. Fifty Shades of Grey was the biggest selling book

in the history of fucking human beings. Okay? It brought back Barnes and Nobles. We're running out of rope. Yes. Do you understand? This is a free show. Fuck yeah. Crazy, crazy bitches okay it brought back we're running out of rope yes fuck yeah

crazy bitches across the globe were asking random dudes to spit their mouth do you understand what the fuck happened one person wrote a crazy book to crack the code that's so true we gotta keep that door shut

there is a classy lady that's all that is what? That's so true. We gotta keep that door shut. Sarah's a classy lady. That's all that is. I just think that it's more interesting to not try to push me in certain positions that I can't do anymore. You make a really good point. I just think it gives men a negative imagery

and a false imagery of what a woman's body is like and instead of paying attention to what I need and what I want and then you can't get off and then they can't get off because they're just thinking about they can't but that's what porn is

don't you think that's what porn is though porn is a false imagery it's just something yeah just like Sam said it's a romantic so why not do it oh Jesus yeah is, though. Porn is a false imagery. It's just something... Yeah, just like Sam said, it's a romantic... So why not do it... Oh, Jesus! Yeah. Come on, guys, let's get off of this.

Let's get off of it. Let's just get off of it. I just want to be honest with you people. This might be the greatest thing I've ever been a part of. Doug Stanhope, everybody! The man people, this might be the greatest thing I've ever been a part of. Doug, stand up, everybody. The man that semi-put this thing together.

Come on, sit down. Sit down. What are you trying to do? Come sit with us. I don't know what the fuck is going on in the country right now, but it's still 2. It's 238, 215. 215, yep, it's still there.

Doug, what are you doing? It's too close to call. You can't call anybody. No, no, no, he's not calling anybody. This would be a good time for like a raffle. We have something to like auction off to you guys. What do we got? I would like to say, as an open-minded male,

I enjoy the discussion with Sarah, and I find it interesting to see a different perspective, and that's what this election's about. Because guess what? We're all going to internment camps when he fucking finds out who he voted for. Trump's bringing back internment camps, motherfucker. It's great.

We live in a democracy. Some people want great we live in a democracy some people want condoms and porn and some people want we're two grown men can we vote for whatever just happened

to be illegal that just took the sting off of whoever wins whatever just happened to be illegal? No, never. That just took the sting off of whoever wins. Doug, do that again. It's West Hollywood. No, no, this thing. Doug Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen. I got you. I have to leave

because I have to go next door to tell jokes and go into the other room. Okay. Be back. All right. Be back. This motherfucker's going to run on.

We're not done, folks. We're not done. At least get Doug back in. Oh, shit. The night is young. Russell Peters just walked in the room. Russell Peters, everybody. Russell Peters making America great again.

Yeah. And Canada and Saudi Arabia and India. And making Japan great again. He's also making the Philippines great again. Russell Peters, sorry. He told me Russell Simmons. I didn't ask him.

Ladies and gentlemen, the ambassador of the world, Russell Peters. Russell Peters. Are you leaving, Joe? No, no. He's coming back. He's going to go do the OR. All right. What's going on? Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, no, he's coming back. He's going to go do... Okay, I got to do the OR. All right. Hi, Billy. What's going on?

Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin are still too close to call. I'm so sick of fucking saying that. How is New Hampshire? It's like fucking 1.10 in the morning. These guys, by the way, on CNN are in great shape. I'm like, what is this, Teen Wolf Blitzer? Bill, who got Michigan? Who got Michigan?

You shoo her. You shoo her. We don't know what it is right now. So you don't know who got Michigan? No, no, it's over. Kid Rock. Kid Rock got Michigan? I think so.

Doug, you want to hear? Doug, sit right here. Me and Sarah could talk on the same one. You guys look like a couple that wore the same outfit. That's what that looks like. Hey, Russell, in Canada, how do you pick your group of elders that run your country? Democratically. Bingo.

We don't have fucking teams over there. It's not like, oh, we're this and you're that. It's just like, hey, that seems like the right guy. Why do you guys always try to act like Canada is devoid of racism? Oh, no, it's full of,

let me tell you something. Well, then I'm right then. Then just stop it with the whole, we just go to pick the guy who's right for what we need and then we all have maple syrup.

Now we do, not when I was a kid. Jesus Christ. You guys are fucking the same animals we are. It's like Cubs fans. The way they try to make them seem like, oh yeah, you know, let's play two and who knows if we're going to fucking win.

And then Steve Bartman goes to catch that fucking ball. Alright, is that his name? Bartman? Whatever. They fucking ruined his life. They're the same animals that vote for the Red Sox, the Phillies, and the Yankees. Go fuck yourself. It's getting political. What if a lot of people were really hoping for Russell Simmons?

Huh? I love Canada. I had a great time up there. You know, Hitler's car is in Ottawa, if you ever want to see it. His parade car, the one where he could fucking stand. It was so weird. It was like a bulletproof car, the one where he could fucking stand. It was so weird. It was like a bulletproof car, but it also was a convertible because he was afraid someone was going to shoot him. But he also knew if he came out in a great whip, like he'd get

all that extra fucking pussy afterwards. Yeah. He liked cars and he was into women. It doesn't mean you're pro what he did. The way you guys just pulled back. I'm just saying that one of the biggest monsters of all time, when he was alive, cars existed. And he bought one. And Hugo Boss was his designer. And if you want to go look at it, you're like, wow, one of the most evil dudes ever sat right there. All the original leather.

The front seat folded up and he could fucking wave to people or whatever the fuck it is he did. Bill, in Vegas, there was a casino owned by a guy that loved Hitler. And he had all the cars in the back. And he tried to make, what was it, 420 into a Hitler birthday party at his casino, and they threatened to take away his gaming license. But he had all the cars in the back. There's another Hitler car down in fucking Long Beach, right outside at John Wayne Airport.

If you're just tuning in, welcome to the brand new Hitler car podcast, live from the Comedy Store. There's a sushi spot that Hitler has. I'm a Hitler Car guy. There's some Mercedes that they have that was German. I'm telling you, dude. I'm telling you.

There's a German sushi spot that has Hitler Carpaccio. It was terrible. I'm drunk. That's the point. That's why we're here. What kind of casino games were at the Hitler Casino? Dude, this is a Mercedes. Would you like to put it on black or pure?

I should leave right fucking now. Man, that was amazing. Shirts off to you, Bert. Shirts off to you. That was pretty good. Hinchcliffe. Hinchcliffe. Michigan, New Hampshire. Man, that was amazing. Shirts off to you, Bert. Shirts off to you. Hinchcliffe. Hinchcliffe. Michigan, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin.

Still, for whatever fucking reason, too close to call. What the fuck? Man in the corner. Does she have to win all those to have a chance? Hey, Bill. Does she have to go clean it out? It's 244, 215. You're the only guy with a computer. Pennsylvania's a big one.

He doesn't listen to me. You're the only guy with a computer, so just lie. Just start making shit up. I said Trump won. They fucking freaked out. We're driving some fucker with Google back there fact-checking us. Wait, this just in. South Park just won Colorado.

Solidarity. All right, now back to Hinchcliffe. Now, you're a gay man, and you're toned. You're sitting next to that. You dress like this $6 million man without the muscles. It's kind of like that. I don't have to show you my tax returns. Six million, come on.

It's a Trump reference. All right, fuck you guys. Hey, Tony, that was as good as mine. That's not a good insult when you're like, hey, that was like me earlier. Come on, Russell. Jesus. Jesus.

Oh, no, I was going to say. Pennsylvania is 48.7 to 47.8 for Trump. Clinton is winning. New Hampshire, 47.5 to 47.4. Oh, up by a cunt hair. By a cunt hair. We'll get to say that again once he's president. Do you think

Do you think this is the happiest Scott Bale has been in like 40 years? He's definitely in charge. He's definitely in charge right now. Scott Bale takes way too much shit. He's the fucking man. He fucking handled being a child star. He went right into

Charles and Charles. He fucked some of the hottest ass out here. And he has political views that don't agree with Hollywood. Come on, man. He's a good man. He's a good man. I had no beef with that guy. He's a fucking New York guy. I like him.

I'm not saying I agree with all of his politics, but come on. I just thought that was a funny joke. I wasn't saying that. But I honestly do think that he's probably really excited right now, and it's probably the best day of his life in life. Cocktails. Oh. I think that people who use...

That is a cocktail. It's like everyone that used to be something that isn't anymore is for Trump. Like people who used to have a career and don't anymore for Trump. So was Bud Dwyer. People who used to have a life and don't anymore for Trump. It's like if you used to have something and you don't anymore, you anymore for Trump. So was Bud Dwyer. You don't need to have a life and don't anymore for Trump. It's like if you used to have something and you don't anymore, you're for Trump.

Because you think it's fucking, I don't know, the Jews fault or something. No, no, no, no. Just some of us would like to go back to 1950 and see what it was like. Morgan Murphy. 1, 2, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock.

Piston socks on, huh? That's bonable right there, huh? No, I want two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock. Piston socks on, huh? That's bonable right there, huh? No, I have a lot of, I wear a lot of stains. Hey, listen, I have a crush on Morgan Murphy. I'm trying to describe, I don't, I'm trying to describe my socks. But I can't really, we say that as a joke until you, then you don't say it on a night where you go, no, I'm kidding, honey. She's on the phone. I'm trying to describe it.

I have a lot of... Good shoes is all I'm saying. You're a sensible fucking shoe. That's all I'm trying to say. I went the long way around it. And by the way, I'll throw my hat in that pool. I have a crush on Morgan Murphy also. Everybody's right.

I love everything about Morgan Murphy. She's incredibly smart, great writer. Listen, this is going to sound sexist. She has an amazing ass. She's a great writer with an amazing ass. And I just got to put that out with all respect. She's America's comedian. And I'm not just saying that because she's all red in with an amazing ass. And I just got to put that out with all respect. She's America's comedian. And I'm not just saying that because she's all red in the middle as well.

Wow. Come on. Are we that? That's a really funny joke. Piece of shit. Everybody's listening. That was your bleeding asshole, Tony. That was amazing.

Tony, you look like you had AIDS 14 years ago. I actually did. When it years ago. I actually did. When it was cool. When it wasn't cool and you were... Tony was only on his lip. Tony got AIDS in the old school way. In kindergarten. In the bum.

In the bum. Why do you have to come and spread that kind of filth here, Peterson? Yeah. Morgan. What? I was talking about my socks. I wear a lot of socks. They're hot.

I wear my Sam socks. I got Bill Lambert tonight. Who do I have else? Isaiah. Isaiah. Oh, one time my housekeeper teamed up, put a, I have a housekeeper, but one time she put a, she put a Damien Lillard with a, with a Drexler and I thought she was racist. You guys have this?

Nevermind. You guys have a housekeeper? Nevermind. I shouldn't start talking about Alicia. Let's so drive this thing into the toilet. I really, I'm fucking Bud Dwyer-ing in my head. Bud Dwyer! Bud Dwyer from Pennsylvania

who coincidentally is deciding the election here at the end. Well, let's see what his vote is. Nice shot, man. All right. It's pretty much down to Pennsylvania. Wow. The land of Sandusky is deciding this election.

All right, beautiful. Here was my question originally. I'm sitting with this fat dude, and then I thought I should go shirtless. He's not Segura fat, but he's fat. But I thought I'm too insecure at 143 pounds because I can't eat solid food recently. But I'm still too insecure to take off my shirt, even beside him. Take it off. Oh, no, no.

Take it off. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off. I have tit her Take it off. Take it off. I have tit herpes, and it makes Bill Burr really creeped out. What's going on, Bill? Bill, Obama, good president.

Trump is leading handily in Wisconsin, even though it's too close to call. He's up 49% to 45.8% in Pennsylvania. Trump moved ahead 48.7% to 47.8% in Pennsylvania. Trump moved ahead 48.7%. It's 47.7%. One man in the corner having the night of his life. I'm pretty sure that's Donald Trump, by the way. One man in Hollywood. He's actually here tonight.

Bill. New Hampshire, 47.5%. Clinton, 47.4%. Dude, this is like too close to come. Bill, with Obama coming to the end. I think a lot of liberals go to bed early, though. They go to bed early, don't they? Yeah.

Because they have all their ducks in a row. And then they wake up late. And they're caring about other people. I'm worried how late this is, that the rednecks go to bed late. I'm so interrupting you right now. Because I remember as a young comic, sometimes you try to get pussy on stage. Or like, hey hey who's got weed I want drugs

I really need some fucking gum because I can smell my own breath I can smell my own stink where I live guy in the front row with gum it's fruit flavored that guy's good if you could not try to kill him

with it that'd be great I'm never going to say another with it, that'd be great. Eric is killing it tonight. I'm never going to say another word. Wait, is that like orange gum? Is that what you wanted? Did you want orange gum or did you want a mint gum? Now it smells like you sucked off a guy outside of the freeway.

It's the Adderall is the problem. Are you okay with orange gum? Looks like we've got ourselves in a sticky situation. Why are you guys leaving? Where did everyone just leave to? Bill Burr is the only guy that stayed here every second of this podcast. Goddamn right.

It's one of the most important elections. It's been 244, 215 for fucking an hour. 244, 215. For an hour. Are you just trying to figure out a way to get her numbers up? Unless this piece of shit froze again. Too early to call. Hey, fuck that.

How about this crowd that's saying the whole goddamn time? Come on. You guys have been hanging in there. Hanging in there. Oh, they're dying. They're dying. They're ready to go home. I purposely told Chad Shank, listen, fuck the audience.

We're going to do this. Because Rogan was legitimately concerned. Well, we're going to over-talk. Everyone's going to go for the punchline if we do a live thing. But no. So he's right. Yeah. So he basically said exactly what was going to happen was going to happen.

Oh, it's happening. Absolutely. Wait, wait, wait. Did you guys think this was going to happen? Did you guys think this was going to be the result? Or did you think you'd be like kind of half celebrating and half going, okay, it'll be fine, but we can make fun of what's going on. But now it's a fucking tragedy.

No, no. Part of the reason Doug wanted to cancel it is because he figured Hillary was going to win. And he was like, ah, fuck it. No, that was the excuse I gave Rogan when I was begging him to make me get, please don't make me do this. And then my life got worse. I got to be honest with you. I thought if we were starting at seven, I thought it was going to be over.

I just thought everyone was going to vote for Hillary because she was more the made guy. He was a reality show star. And then I was like, halfway through, I was like, oh, shit, this is going to be a good podcast. It's still going. And then somewhere halfway through that, I was like, oh, my God, this guy might be president.

This is fucking terrifying. Dude, he was hilarious till about 6.59pm and ever since then I'm like wait a minute this is this is fucking crazy hey is Sophie

the waitress around here she come to the stage Sophie to the stage Sophie to the stage well remember we were talking about actually let's stop

the podcast no no no until Sophie comes to the stage this seems very important. Oh, no. It's Sophie related. I think under Trump, you can just ask any woman to get you a drink and they have to.

Just grab him by the pussy. That's the new rule. I don't get these guys offended by the grab him in the pussy stuff. What are they, picking up bowling balls with two hands? Fucking two fingers. You do your jokes and just check it. I have an hernia, yes. But did you hear Morgan?

I don't get it. I feel like, oh, hi. Let me just talk. I heard, though, that a lot of the polls, like we all thought that it wasn't. It goes on that other phone. Morgan, what were you going to say? Morgan, what were you going to say?

I don't know. I feel like there's a national misogynism and sexism that exists and I'm very upset about it. Hang on. Let me put Bill Burr's golf ball on his key.

Yeah, please do. No, I'm ready. I'm ready to fucking get it back in my face with his white accent. What are you, catty about which club he's going to use? What can't be the 52 felonies she got accused of that somehow disappeared, but if I had one of those, I'd be hanging out with Snowden in Russia? Ooh. Morgan.

You know, I have to be honest with you. The Democrats did pick the wrong person because they've done so much shit. Morgan. You know, I have to be honest with you. The Democrats did pick the wrong person because they've done so much shit. They really are the Democrats' Bushes. They've done so much fucking shit. They had a lot of fucking enemies. They did. In that, you're saying the Republicans picked the right person, which is one of the most... That's not what I'm saying.

You're putting those words in my mouth. I am. Well, then stop doing that. Sorry. Hey, listen. You guys get heated if at any point it gets a little too touchy for the people, I'll go

with licking his tit and we'll just get huge laughs. No, I'm not. I can't have an argument because I'm not that smart. I'm just sad. You're saying what? Go ahead. No, make a salient point. If it gets uncomfortable, it's right here. Listen, Morgan, I think you have a good point.

Morgan, you better make a good point, or they've got to watch this again. I'm not making a point. I'm just saying that here comes a qualified person, and you go, okay, why didn't you make it? There's clearly people in this country who are racist, who are misogynistic, who are homophobic, who are xenophobic.

How can you just blow off all of those? How many felonies do you have to be accused of? It's not like he's not accused of things as well. I'm not saying he's a good guy. I'm just saying that you can't blow off either of them. But to literally just say the reason why you're not voting for Clinton is because you're a misogynist is actually sexist. I don't think the people who voted for Trump...

It is. It's like you're saying... I don't believe that all the people who voted for Trump. It is. It's like you're saying... I don't believe that all the people who voted for Trump are smart enough to assess every wrongdoing that they think Clinton did. I think that's because you live out here. Sure, I live in a bubble. Because you live out here,

and you think everybody who doesn't live near an ocean is a dope. Bill, Bill. Oh, shit. By the way, how great would it be to be in the middle of a breakup and have Bill Burr walk in the door and go, I'll take it from here? No, I'm just saying that people out here have a fucking tendency to call 90% of the states flyover states and think that they're a bunch of fucking morons and then have the nerve to fucking trash Fox News where you guys are the exact same fucking people all the way to the left and it's annoying.

Absolutely. It's annoying. It's annoying. He's got you there. It's a total fucking. I understand the reason behind him. But you're literally saying that the reason why she's not winning is because people are sexist and you're ignoring all of this other shit. No, I'm saying people are sexist and they're racist and they're misogynistic and they're homophobic and they're

anti-everything. 100%. They've been disenfranchised in this country. That's it? I absolutely think so. So you're telling me if Obama ran against Trump this would have even been a fucking race? No. Black people are faster. Well, then

all right then. Obama was squeaky fucking clean the moderator has a question for Bill Burr Morgan what about all the stuff that Bill Clinton is accused of that you know all the Lolita Express

all the women that came out Hillary basically fucking shaming them. Is that not an issue too? That the person who was... Everything that Trump is accused of... No one cares. Bill Clinton did

in an official office. It's the same thing. I don't understand why we can formalize it. I'm asking you. I respect you. I can only speak from his respect you. I can only speak from his actual words. I can't vote for somebody who's calling

an entire ethnicity rapist. I can't vote for somebody who's calling an entire gender pigs. I'm not going to do it. Why are you voting for someone?

Why do you need a leader? All right, just one question and I'm asking Bill because I want your opinion, Bill. What? I hate both of them.

The misogynist, the racist. I fucking hate both of them. This is like the first week of American Idol. No, I hate Trump. There's no doubt that Trump's an asshole, but I'm wondering why is what Bill Clinton just seemed like nothing when Trump was accused of something, the charges were dropped, and then we found out that Gloria Aldridge

paid off these bitches that come forward and say all this shit, and you're like, fuck, man, this is some weird shit. But yet there is actual proof that Bill Clinton got on a fucking flight and went and fucked teenagers. You know, and it's just like, why do we,

and I love you, I'm not being negative, but why do we dismiss that? Is anybody watching Westworld? How great a fucking show is that, huh? Sucking your dick can't compete with Westworld. That's some great TV out there, everybody. I don't understand why we're talking about Bill Clinton.

Just gotta cool it off every once in a while. Why are we talking about Bill Clinton? Yeah understand why we're talking about Bill Clinton. Just got to cool it off every once in a while. Why are we talking about Bill Clinton? Yeah, why are we talking about Bill Clinton? Because she co-signed on all of it. The plumber crack is the most disturbing part of the whole thing. Listen, we shouldn't even be here. We shouldn't even be at this place. Fucking Bernie Sanders should have fucking won that shit.

And they rigged the fuck out of it. And they put her up. This wouldn't even be close. This would be an all blue fucking map, man. But you fucking fell for it. I don't know about that, dude. It would have been mostly a blue map. It would have been mostly a blue fucking map.

Tell him, Sam. He was going to kill him, dude. Dude, you're saying this in Los Angeles. Say the same argument. But, dude. No, you tell him. You've got a good point. Because the emails wouldn't have come out.

The fucking WikiLeaks wouldn't have destroyed him. It was all about this fucking emails and all this shit. And it's just all this dirt that came out. Hey, guys. Guys, you know something? We have no control over all this. Let's just stop yelling at each other. Hold on, is Bill Burr telling everybody to calm down?

Is that what just happened right here? But we do have control over it. I think Bill kind of ruined the whole night. I respect that. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I don't. Don't we actually have control over it? I just had one question. Because we have to vote?

One question. And it's for Bill? No. As the moderator? I'll be quiet. Dude, I've been watching the screen for like fucking two hours it's still 244 215 I don't want to call it there's still people moving around so I know

you hate my questions I'd love to hear Doug's question I really have a question I want to hear your answer it started with the misogyny and the racism what if you just dislike somebody it started with the misogyny and the racism. What if you just dislike somebody... For their race?

Yeah, okay, let's say... But you honestly do. Stay with me for a minute. I get it. I stutter a lot. This is an honest question. If you hate, there's people that I dislike looking at at breakfast. Right.

You don't say it out loud, but you know in your heart, like, feed that thing at home. But whatever it is, you know that there's someone that you really, a lot of people, that Scotsman. I'm going to out him. He's a fattest. He's disgusted by fat people and dangly jewelry. He can't look at someone with dangly jewelry at breakfast. What if you know that you fucking hate? It's nothing personal.

But you do hate them. Like at what point is that whole political correctness going to come back to, well, you can't hate people you hate. You can't hate dicks. You just have to have a reason to hate people. What's your reason? I was asking Bill Burr. You can't just make up a lady.

I wish... Dude, your build is perfect. Can I just say that? It's a perfect... This is perfect. I dream of being like this. I take off my shirt, baby shark shit. He's fun

size. He's fun size. He's like something you win at a carnival and you can just hug it. What I think Doug was saying, which is a very interesting point... It's been 244 to 215 for like three fucking hours. It's just like they just keep saying this shit is too close to call.

This is not a podcast until Nia starts yelling at him. Oh, no kidding. Every feed is different. That's what's so confusing. Like MSNBC, everybody has different numbers. All right. We got a new level of... Dude, who the fuck is this lunatic right here?

That looks like Liberace's brother. They can't see him, right? That guy looks like... That Jeffrey Lord? Oh, yeah. He looks crazy. I wonder who he's for. I was watching CNN, and they were predicting what was going to happen.

They said, oh, if New Hampshire gets this, New Hampshire gets this, Trump could win. And there was clearly a panel of people and they were mic'd and you just heard someone go, jeez. Like you don't know who it was, but somebody reacted harshly. They are freaking out. They still haven't called Michigan? It's the exact same.

I think at this point I feel like we've got to start taking questions from the crowd. We've been babbling for fucking four hours here. Do you want me to take a question from the crowd? I'll take a question from the crowd. Question the guy who's killing it. What's the condom? Morgan has a great ass.

What's a condom? That's a great question. What's a condom? That is a great question. What's a condom? That is a boner killer. It's a prophylactic that protects down to the end of your shaft for diseases, but your balls are left hanging out to dry

like the bay of pigs. Your balls are out there like Your balls are out there like security. Are you fucking serious? I want to make, can we just put on the ballot any rules The balls are out there like security. Are you fucking serious? I would make my own. Can we just put on the ballot any rules for porn that we want to make? Like you can't call someone daddy if they're only like 10 years older than you. Like that kind of shit.

I respect that. You can't have MILF porn that's under 35 is what I think. That should be one of them. You can't have babysitter porn that's over 35. Anybody who isn't your uncle that wants you to call them by the name uncle. Yeah, that guy in prison. By the way, I've totally seen some shit in porn that I'm like, that should be illegal. But you still came off to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys got to go. You guys are. I broke my gub for a while back. Another question. Sorry, guys. We're doing the best we can here. I didn't know it was going to take this fucking long.

It's almost 1030 here. Any other questions? Everybody's got questions? Questions and It's almost 10.30 here. Any other questions? He's got a question? Questions and answers. Down front. Down front. You, sir, next to the one with the purple hair. No, how about that guy right there?

He looks like he's working with some kind of underground company. He raised his hand. The man raised his hand. Tripoli. Hey, you're aggressive. You're aggressive. Why are you yelling? All right.

The crowd's drunker than us. Yes, yes, yes. Do you have a question? A nice question? Hey, Joe, take one of the women's mics. Okay, what's your question? You're sure now? All right.

Morgan, can I drink with you later? Can we have a drink with you? Threesomes! Political threesomes! You just got asked to have a threesome on the apocalypse night. This is exciting. Yeah. Hey, let's stop doing crowd work.

Let's go back to us. Sorry, guys. He fucked it up for all of you. I'll have a drink with you. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I don't trust anybody after this fucking fucknut. You get an opportunity

to represent the people and you come in and jack off on your ballot. Dude, look at his girlfriend. She's great. I don't give a fuck about his grape ape girlfriend. Let's fucking go back to us talking. She's got a choker on. And someone should choke her and choke him.

I just got here. Who has a question? Are we cool with President Trump? What do we do now? He should be deported if Trump wins. Joe, Joe, Joe. I think that's what they're saying. They called it?

No, no, no. Still 244, 215. Bill says too close to call. Pennsylvania is the one. That's the one. That's the clip, the red wire or the black wire. This is the moment in a Tom Cruise movie that we all salute to the Scientologists.

You know? By the way, how the fuck do you commit to a religion that was created by an old redhead with crooked teeth in a broken down boat. Your teeth are fine. I love Pennsylvania. My parents used to live in Pennsylvania but the idea

of Pennsylvania deciding the fucking fate of the country highlights how crazy this fucking thing is. Florida with Amish people. Eagles fans and Steelers fans. The Super Steelers. Philly's awesome. Pittsburgh's awesome.

But they're surrounded by a bunch of people that are just fucking hanging out. I love Pittsburgh. Pennsylvania. There's that kids fucking college right in the middle of the state. Earl. Earl Skagel. I love you. Yeah.

I love you. If only Jerry Sandusky were alive to vote, right? He's alive. Oh, he's not alive? He's alive. He's still alive. Oh, he's in prison. You're thinking of the coach.

You call it prison. He calls it heaven. Can I get more whiskey? You're thinking of Joe Paterno. Yeah, that's why we don't want you guys to be president. Learn the Penn State name, coach, and then we'll fucking elect you. It's too late now. Hey, those kids knew what they were getting into.

A friend of mine just sent me a text that says, The New York Times says Trump has a 91% chance of winning. Whoa. However, Trump owns the New York Times. Hey, Rogan, have you heard that Trump talks about getting rid of the Federal Reserve? What do you think about that? It's a good move. It's a good move.

Plus, stop the chemtrails. It's a good move. Puss, stop the chemtrails. Dude, if he tries to do that, they're going to bring out that fucking 63 convertible fucking Lincoln Continental. Down through Dallas? Yeah, drive him around town. Yeah. Hey, here's a bookstore. Yeah.

And then take a nice, slow fucking left turn. Have you ever taken that drive? Have you ever gone through that area? I've gone to it. Which is what amazes me about Dallas, where if you guys have never been to Dallas, where John F. Kennedy got assassinated, they didn't mess with any of that. It looks exactly like it did when it happened. And out here, how they just don't give a fuck. Like Robert Kennedy got killed right down there in Wilshire at the Ambassador Hotel.

They just plowed that shit over. Turned it into a fucking school. There's a little plaque on the ground. Yeah, he died somewhere over here. There's a little swing set. They just don't give a shit out here. That's Earl's family. Huh?

Yeah, Earl's uncle. My aunt was Ethel Kennedy. I don't like this topic right now. Yeah, Trump has 264. Nice headshots, though. Trump has 264? 264 to 215. Trump just got Pennsylvania. Oh, my God.

It's over. Jesus Christ. It's over. It's over. It's over. Wow, this is so crazy. Trump fan in the corner. Come on.

This is the craziest. Can't be a winner every night, everybody. Folks. Here you go. He's gonna make your life great again, sir. He's gonna make it great again. Alright? You hold all calls till that man

calls you and makes your life great again. Eleanor's from fucking Philly. Guys, I'm gonna head out. I'm gonna go pack up. Your dreams are not on you. Sorry, wrong man. This is good. This is good like a crazy girlfriend who gives great blowjobs but eventually, wrong man. This is good. This is good like a crazy girlfriend who gives great blowjobs, but eventually she leaves you. This is good. You feel terrible, but there's a growth period that comes after that.

You reassess your whole existence and try to figure out why the fuck are you here? Why does the man with the cotton candy hair have his hand on the red phone? What is happening? What have we done? What mistakes have we made? Let's re-examine our existence. This, this is what this opportunity provides us,

ladies and gentlemen. It provides us a moment of hawkening, a moment of listening and thinking and reconsidering. And money doesn't mean anything anymore because a man with the orange skin started a fucking nuclear war. Fuck yeah.

We all like the pile of the walking dead. That's what we're about to get into. White power. I'm thinking more Mad Max. We still... Sorry about that. That speech will be in some motivational video on YouTube very soon.

Yeah, man. Those walking dead people are pussies. I'm tired of that show. Kill those fucking punked-ass zombies and get it over with. He's going to fucking win. This is unbelievable. He's winning.

How many does it take to win? This is like the Jets beating the Colts in Super Bowl III. This is like the U.S. beating the Russians. This is like Nebraska beating you fucking Miami when they came off with the camouflage. This is fucking... It's like the Patriots beating the Russians. This is like Nebraska beating fucking Miami when they came off with the camouflage. This is fucking... It's like the Patriots beating the Rams. The greatest show on turf.

They shouldn't have been there. Honest question, Bill Burr. Is this good? Is this good? I don't think so. If he didn't so relate, honestly, to be honest with you, if he didn't so relate to so many overtly racist people, to be honest with you, and that level of ugliness, if he didn't relate to that...

Alaska, he got Alaska. Anyone in Alaska? It's only three, it's only three. It's only three. It's over. They give him three. He's 247 to 215. What is the number he needs?

He needs 270. What's he at? I totally thought those. He's 23 away. She's 55 away. Oh, my God. You mean to tell me the deadliest catch guys voted for Hillary? Unfathomable.

Hey, who won the hockey game? Hang on. I don't know if this is still... The Leafs lost 7-0. I mean, it's kind of funny. He's 48% to her, 46% in Michigan. It's over, bitches. Rogan. Rogan. He's winning in Wisconsin. Happy last year, everybody. By 3.1. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Fuck that. You're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. All right? Don't pull your money out of the stock market.

Everything's going to be fine. It's the guy with an orange wig with a tie. Everything is fine. All right? Doug Stanhope has a special announcement. Well, I figured out how to have the phone put to Bingo's head while she's in a coma. So she's been listening for the last, like... Hold on a second.

Hey, you guys got to stop that song. Whoever's making that song play because that'll get us pulled off of YouTube. Oh, don't do that anymore, dude. I'm just saying, Bingo's been listening for 34 minutes in a coma. There's a phone against your head. But if Bill Burr is right that Trump is president, I'm just going to say, bingo, go towards the light. It's so interesting. It really is.

It's really interesting. I mean, what the fuck have we gotten ourselves into? Ma'am, you with the fake cat ears. I mean, what the fuck have we gotten ourselves into? Ma'am, you with the fake cat ears. Whatever you got going on, ma'am. Question? Okay. For me?

Bert Kreischer, how dare you? Ma'am. Oh, God. Let her talk. Go back to the set of Mad Max. All of a sudden, I'm Jenny Jones in the fucking 90s. I'm answering questions from the crowd. I don't know. You know, we never know.

It's never happened before. That's our big romance. It's like in Pretty Woman. The hooker with the heart of gold hopes some rich businessman comes and rescues her. We hope that some person pretends to be someone other than what they really are and gets into office and once they get in there, they show us

they really have purely altruistic intentions and they want to take care of us. But we've never found anybody like that. You know? They get inside, they just want to get their dick sucked. Holla! Where's that happen? found anybody like that. You know? They get inside, they just want to get their dick sucked. Paula. Where's that happening?

Did you do the take care of your waitstaff thing yet? No. Are there any birthdays? Birthdays? We have 15 more minutes, man. Are we selling merch? Why did we think this wasn't going to be close? Oh my god, the Republicans have won the Senate too. 48 to 46 in the Senate.

Holy shit. This is crazy. We're fucking 50. We're almost dead. And we never cared about any president ever. Who gives a shit? Why we thought this was going to be a landslide. We didn't think this was going to be close.

350 people here that paid money. I know, but fucking. Hopefully we care. We didn't think it was going to be close. And that's fascinating. Hey, guys, let... Hopefully we care. We didn't think it was going to be closed, and that's fascinating. Hey, guys, let Sarah get her opinions in while they count. No, stop it. Once Trump becomes president, we're going to zip that shut.

Grab her by the pussy. Oh, my God. Sarah's easily a six and a half. I'll take it. I'll give her six and a half. I'll take it. I'll give her six and a half. No, you know what? You get caught up living out here. You think the whole country thinks the way you think out here.

Trump took Arizona, ladies and gentlemen. So lopsided. And then I heard today that a lot of people, like when people were polling, like a lot of people said, oh, I'm not voting for Trump. And then they did because they were apparently too embarrassed to say that they were. That's a liberal lie. Right. Well, I don't know. That's what I'm saying.

Nobody's embarrassed to say anything. You go on social media, it's all fucking oversharing. People won't shut the fuck up about who they're going to vote for. This is the most important podcast of your lives, people. Yeah, that's what I'm asking. I'm honestly asking your opinion. There's a bunch of people who are in this business, live in New York or L.A., and that's what they're around, and they think that that's America, and it isn't.

They need to go on the road and start telling jokes, and they'll meet other people. But don't you think a lot of these polls were in Ohio and Florida and Michigan? Hey, Sarah, if I held a poll— Have you ever walked by anybody taking a poll, and they go, hey, can I stop you for a second? It's like, no, I got shit to do. Go fuck yourself. Who do they talk to?

I get those phone calls. No, no, no, no, no, no. I get the phone calls. I don't answer them. I'm white, too. I get the do not call. Occasionally, let's let Bert talk. If you did a poll in this room and you're like, and they're walking down the street,

you're like, hey, have you ever said the N word? Everyone would be like, no, never. But that's not fucking true. There's people out there that will be voting for Trump because they feel disenfranchised by the system, but don't want to share it and get into an argument with some fucking random liberal by the water cooler. You're a nigger. By the way, that was Doug. I'm sorry, I agree with you.

You know... You motherfucker! Listen, folks. This is as fucked up for us as it is for you. How dare you say that word, whore? It's legal now. It's legal. You can say it now.

It's midnight. What time is it? My point is there are disenfranchised people. What? They called it? What? What?

Trump is the president? Wait. Adrian Peterson? You can't have a black guy call a collection election. Trump is the president? Peterson? You can't have a black guy call a collection. Election. Trump is the president? Trump is the president? It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's the end of the world. Wait. They legit called it? No, they did not call it. If a dude yelled at an audience... You have no shirt on, you motherfucker. How dare you? Maybe I shouldn't be arguing politics.

I smell more like skunk than your weed. He's six away. He's six away? What is undecided? What is undecided? He's winning in Alaska, Arizona. Are they telling you that on Grindr? Well, he'll never win any of those states.

Is that Carlito? Alaska, Arizona, and Michigan are done. What did he say? Tough road. Are you seeing that on Grindr? Bombing in front of 400 people. Too late, Tripoli, but I heard it. I appreciate it.

Tripoli had a great line. We missed it. When you say it's over, are you talking about bingo? Right now, we'll... Since no one's speaking in the microphone, I'll tell you that my Showtime special airs November 11th at 10 p.m. Seriously, folks. How great is the fucking Comedy Store on a goddamn election night, huh? How fun is this shit?

We're going to be okay. We're going to be okay. I know it feels fucking crazy. Hey, guys, take care of your cocktail waitresses, seriously. They're doing this, hooking it up, so take care of them. And the kitchen staff, because they're about to be deported. Is that girl from Tinder here yet? Honest question.

Does anybody feel bad if Trump wins Or good if Hillary wins Or good if Trump wins I don't know We need to see what the fuck he's going to do first It's kind of like the WME Buying the UFC We don't know what the fuck is going to happen

You have no idea How exactly right you are That it doesn't matter If you don't watch the sport. Government is like prey. You avoid things that might bite you or have herpes on their dick or lips. You just, yeah, government, fuck them. You don't need to. All right.

What's up, buddy? Rogan made me smoke DMT fucking 12 years ago, and I've never been right since. You're good, dude. You're fine. You just need to smoke a little bit more. But this is supposed to be a joke. The end of the world. Who gives a fuck?

We did this with the Mayan calendar. We did the end of the world show. We weren't really upset about the Mayan calendar. We did the end of the world show. We weren't really upset about the Mayan calendar. You guys seem like you give a fuck about government. Now we're worried about the Czech Republic calendar. I swore I was trying to go on tilt, but here I go. Russell Peters, you motherfucker. Ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanoff's going on tilt.

It's okay, folks. I watched a YouTube video today where these two guys got into a fight And they went to the ground Little ground and pound And it turned out halfway through One of the dudes had a fake leg And it came off And the other dude was losing

And then the fucking dude Picked up the fake leg And he started beating the guy with it That guy kicked his own ass It was fucking Yeah it was all Like I was thinking, if I was that kid's dad, I would have been like, dude, you lost the fight. Give him his prosthetic back and just, you know, go to the gym.

I disagree. As an analyst, I say you got to use what's in front of you. If it's okay, if that guy's beating your ass and he's got a fake leg, kick that motherfucker to the side and go, what's up now? Hop along. But he didn't initiate it. Doesn't matter. He was in his house.

The dude was calling him out. You don't know what kind of relationship they had. The guy with one leg called him out. Passive aggressive piece of shit for years. Well, I would just say that I saw the video, and I'm just judging from what the fuck I saw. Come on, man. You got to draw the line of beating somebody with their own fake leg.

Unless that guy's a piece of shit. What if he's a piece of shit and just lost his leg last week? He's still a cunt. Who started it? Is it the drummer from Death Watch? It looked like the other kid was the aggressor. Which one? The one with the bad leg?

Look, I'm just saying the guy's fucking leg fell off, and he beat him with it. It was interesting. You know what? Click off the election. Let's pull up that video. Then the guy that won is three-legged Shakur. I'll take that video, and I'll see you, and I'll fucking push up one dude who got fucked to death by a horse.

I've never seen drunk Rogan. I love it. Opie and Anthony show. Come to him. They told you to take it down. 96% of my shows. Rogan made me watch that after the fake moon landing thing. Then it was...

Hey, they're dropping the checks. Does anybody have an official announcement? Because God knows this fucking half a video, half a keyboard doesn't have it. It seems like it's over. Is it over? I mean, they're running Anthony Bourdain commercials. Bill Burr is the fucking only Iron Man here. Stayed here the entire time.

Sir? Real quick, though. Looks like no condoms and porn is going to win. So that's good. Whoa, whoa, it looks like no condoms and porn is going to win. That's good then. Hillary Clinton is up in Michigan. No, no, she's down. Sorry.

48.2 to 46.6. This is so crazy. This is so crazy. He won. He won Wisconsin He fucking won. He won Wisconsin. I think he won.

A reality TV show star is now the leader of one of the most powerful countries in the free world. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got to talk to him about this. One or the? Fuck Rome, dude. We got robots. Bill, can you do me one favor, Bill? Can you see if Joan Hansen...

Dude, he kind of kicked her ass. Is that real? We? Hey, British this year! What's that? Who's the winner of this election? Yeah, it looks like Trump kind of kicked her ass. It's astounding.

It's pretty fucking weird. What's that? It's 264 to 215 right now. Does this feel weird? Donald Trump. The man in the corner. I feel like we let you down

because Trump won. The crowd went weird on us. We're responsible. It's not done. It's really, they just dropped the checks. Nothing stopped. And you realize, I had to pay to listen to these fucking jokes. I think Donald Trump just finally snatched that joint.

I think Donald Trump just nominated Judge Judy as the Supreme Court. And Dr. Oz as the Surgeon General. Hey, at least we'll all remember where we were when America voted for its own 9-11. 9-11 part two. This is what they want. Brett Ernst is here,

and he's got my favorite joke about a woman being president. Brett, do your joke about how... I bet 70% of this audience... Hey, how many of you guys are going to hang in until the final? You're going to hang in there? All right. I know you're paying your checks and shit, so we appreciate you guys staying for the four hours of this fucking...

Whatever this is. Well, here's the joke. You guys are here for this. So reality star and a criminal run for president. Why would you be doing jokes on this podcast? It's sad.

It's sad. It's not a time for jokes. Trump is the president of the United States. You know what's interesting? You guys are disappointed. Right? I think everybody's disappointed.

No, no, no. I feel it. I feel it. Reluctantly, a lot of us in here wanted Hillary to win, right? Yeah. I kind of did. I voted for Gary Johnson. I know Hillary's full of shit.

But I kind of wanted her to win. Just to fucking balance it all out. Good point, sir. There's so much marijuana grass. Guy just goes, I want to get high too. For those of you listening at home, this is, yes,

it is indeed unraveling. But is not that, in fact, reflecting the world that we live in? Are we not unraveling collectively? How many of you tried to get on a fucking reality show in this room? Yeah. How many? You did?

Maybe the next, maybe the first female president comes from a Real Housewives show. This lady in front of you with the purple hair is reconsidering her entire existence. It's like, what the fuck? What got me here? What are we doing? Why is this happening? What is the formula for happiness? Donnie!

He came through. Who the fuck? Ma'am, you're committed to those words. What are they? Hold on, sir. Don't be rude. Ma'am. Five and a half grams of silent darkness.

Five and a half grams of silent darkness. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck let Chelsea Clinton in this bitch? Oh, my God. What a hater. Is there a drug-sniffing dog in here right now? Tony has a salty mouth sometimes. Sometimes Tony Hinchcliffe is salty.

Very salty. Like a long, short crap man. Abrasive to the ladies, especially. Yeah, yeah. Like a deadliest cash type of dude. What the fuck do you want, buddy? I'm taking him, too. I'm giving him a watch.

Something's happening here. Russell. Peters. Let's just eat some silence. Everyone's already tense. Let's just make it a little bit worse. All of our expectations. It's 11 o'clock, folks.

Trump winning is worse than the worst heckler. I don't know how to deal with this. This is not how the thing ends. I didn't know how to deal with this. This is not how the thing ends. I didn't know how it goes. We're going to rotate people in and out. Honestly. But Trump doesn't win in my head. But honestly, as a culture, it's one of the best things that could have happened to us.

Not because he's a good president, but we have to revamp this fucking goofy system. We can't keep doing this. We can't keep pretending that every fucking day of our life has to depend on four-year increments of dictators. That's crazy. Four years of people that have relationships with people that make billions of dollars that contribute to their campaign funds. It's nonsense. Hey, what's your favorite TV car? I like the General Lee.

I want to put that fucking rebel flag back on. I got it. MeTV, the Rockford Files. James Garner, that fucking Firebird. The fact he didn't have the Trans Am. He lived in a fucking trailer down on the beach. But his car still had balls. He had the button down shirt.

He was still fat, but he tucked it in. He still had it going on. He still got some ass around my age. I'll do you one better. Magnum PI. He was beautiful and handsome. And he drove a Ferrari. But he rarely got laid.

He rarely got laid. And when he did, it was special. Is this going to stick? It's all about TC and he drove a Ferrari. But he rarely got laid. He rarely got laid. And when he did, it was special. Like, is this going to stick? It's all about TC and the helicopter, man. Is Magnum PI and this woman going to become soulmates? If we're just going to go straight up homo, I'm going Jan Michael Vincent in his heyday. Before even the chopper. And the mechanic.

Oh, why did he go homo? Get me in this. I want Scott Bakula. Now, fuck that Jan Michael Vincent Danger Island on banana splits. No, no lighting. Get me in this. I want Scott Bakula. Now, fuck that. Jan Michael Vincent, Danger Island on Banana Splits. No, no, no. Go before that. The mechanic with Charles Bronson. The mechanic with Charles Bronson.

If he just sucked Charles Bronson's dick. Too hairy. Implied. All that was implied. Steve McQueen and Lamont. Oh, yeah. Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry. That was the one.

Remember that car? Mr. Belvedere. I want the Lotus from The Spy Who Loved Me. Oh, the submarine. And this. This is how we deal with President Trump. This is America. I thought we were talking about Jews.

You start talking about cars that go fast on a straight line and can't take a turn without sending it into the forest. You start talking about Mr. October, Reggie Jackson, New York Yankees, folks, 1970s. What if we had our own Mike? I got worn out. GTO. Remember that one? The judge. It was the judge, the yellow one.

Blacktop hit the guy. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. What's his name? James Taylor. Folks. Right before he drowned. And they had that 55. It was either a Beller or a Chevy 210. That was it. Hey, guys.

Let's talk all this stuff. Hold on. Hey, we've lost everyone. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. I want to know, is Trump our president? Yeah. Who says no? Bunch of latte-drinking liberals.

Oh, what are you doing? Ladies and gentlemen, the uncut scotch. Brian's saying we're going to call this election right now. The winner of the election is Mr. Bill Burr for carrying the heaviest lumber of this night. Joe Rogan, for propping me up. Thank you guys. Couldn't have done it without Joe. Everyone.

My running mate, partner in crime. I'd say nice shit, but I'm crying. All I have to say is, nobody kills the vice president. It's a good position to be in. I'm happy to support Mr. Byrne.

2020, we're going to rock this bitch. We're barely going to put in any effort. We depend entirely on you people. Kanye, 2020. Kanye can hang out with us. We're all cool. We're all together in this freak show.

Did Joan Hansen win Ward 2 and Bisbee for City Council? I think Chris Hansen won. Bill's still watching it like Caddyshack. At a certain point in time, we have to wonder about your judgment. Why you're still here. Come on, don't chastise him. They didn't want to watch this shit show. Thank you guys for coming out.

Are we shell-shocked? Are we all shell-shocked? You guys hung in for like four or five hours of a podcast. Thank you guys for coming out. Are we shell-shocked? Are we all shell-shocked? You guys hung in for like four or five hours of a podcast. Thank you so much. No matter what happens, we'll get through it. There'll be sandwiches for everybody.

This is better, folks. Get on stage, guys. Thanks for coming. It's fucked up. Let's hear it for Bill Burr. Rogan. Stan Hope. Bert Kreisel. Russell Peters, Earl, Tony Inschliff, Eleanor Kerrigan, Sarah Tiana. Thanks for coming out, guys.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're all in this shit together. Thank you very much for coming out. You people are fucking awesome. This is a great crowd, and we appreciate you very, very much. Thank you very much for coming out. You people are fucking awesome. This is a great crowd and we appreciate you very, very much. Thank you guys.