The Joe Rogan Experience - JRE MMA Show #46 with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: October 21, 2018

Joe is joined by comedian Ari Shaffir to discuss some MMA/UFC history.

Bobby Kelly got us. Five, four, three, two, one. Can you talk about that on there or no? Yeah. Yeah? What were you going to say? He got us these knives made. We went bushwhacking.

Oh. And he got this one guy who was like, I want to make you guys knives. So he met me, Joe List, and Robert Kelly, like custom knives. Bushwhacking knives, huh? Yeah. Like machete type knives? Yeah, to chop up some wood. Oh.

What were you guys doing? Camping, hiking, and then hiking like four hours to a campsite. Bobby Kelly loves fly fishing, right? Isn't he a big fly fisher? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. He likes doing shit that his body shouldn't allow him to do.

It's crazy. I knew him when he was skinny. That's nuts. I see that picture of him, that headshot, the comedy seller. I'm like, that's that guy? Dude, he was like my size. He was like a normal- sized person. It's nuts to me. It is nuts. Yeah.

When I met him, we were working together and he lived in a home with special needs kids and he would take care of them. He was like a

counselor or some sort of a teacher or something with special needs kids. And he was totally normal size. Wow. Like you would see him like, let me compare him to somebody. He's a fat fuck now. I haven't seen him in a long time. I mean, let me just trash him for a minute about his being overweight. I'm sad because I really like that guy.

He's a sweetheart. Yeah, well, enjoy him while you can. He has a kid too, right? Yeah, he has a kid. Great kid. Well, why is he allowing himself to eat himself to death? Okay, well, I think a little bit. In the addict's mind, you don't really have it.

You're not really an addict. It's like the replacement thing is real. You got to replace one with the other. What was his addict before? I think coke and booze. booze oh yeah that's a thing man that's a real thing and so now it's every time he tries to get in shape he does a month and then like it just falls off a day and then can just keeps falling off he's fatter than ever now yeah i saw a photo from that cruise that burt went on with him and i was like oh god yeah

they couldn't let him go anywhere but the middle of the boat. Otherwise, it would tip. That's crazy. Sharks and shit were circling? Yeah. They're like, come to this side. Come to this side, Bobby. We have a chance to eat all those. Well, you can't be on a boat with those fucking buffets, too, man.

Those buffets are brutal. I gained 12 pounds on a week on the Joker's Cruise last year. I believe it. Yeah, buffets are rough, man. Last time I was in Vegas, I ate that at the buffet. I mean, they're great. I ate crepes, all kinds of shit I should never eat. I'll go for thirds, sure.

Yeah, why not? A small portion. Fried chicken and waffles. And it's like your friends go, do you want to eat? I'm like, no, I just ate like four hours ago. They're like, well, come sit with us. You're like, okay. And you're like, I can sell some fries.

I'll go get us some cupcakes. Some cupcakes. No matter how rich, I can sell some fries. I'll go get us some cupcakes. Some cupcakes. No matter how rich you get. It's free. You can just take whatever. Yeah. You don't have to open your wallet. It's such an easy process.

But it's right there. I can just grab it. Dude, the best is these fucking Filipino and these immigrant type employees that are like, are you guys done with this? And they're like, oh yeah, I'm done. They're like, are you kidding me? This could feed my whole village, which you're throwing away. I know.

Yeah. We're so gross in America. They have to keep their smile on their face. When you find out the real statistics of how much people make in certain countries, I was reading something about how much people, the average salary of a person who lives in Thailand, it's like $1,000 a month. Dude, I was on a bus. It's amazing. I was on a bus from Indonesia to East Timor.

It's crossing the land border. And some guy was talking about how much people make. And I told him, he's like, wait, what? I'm like, yeah, but cost of living is way higher. He's like, oh, that's great. I showed him a $50 bill. He was like, lost his mind. Wow.

How many, how many, I forgot what their currency is. How many is this worth? And I told him, he's like, what? Yeah. I think I'm wrong, too, about $1,000 a month. I think they make less than $1,? And I told him, he's like, what? Yeah, I think I'm wrong too, about $1,000 a month. I think they make less than $1,000 a month. Yeah,

that's possible. It might be like, one quarter of that. A lot of them also don't use currency that much. They're like, we farm, we trade with our neighbor, for milk.

You know what I mean? Like, we don't need currency. Dude, we took these lessons on how to, how to grow, how to like, take rice, plant it. And, like, they take you through the whole steps in Thailand.

They give you the outfits and everything that all the people that farm rice wear. But you realize, like, before industrialized agriculture, what a process it was to actually get rice. Like, fuck that. It is a giant process yeah it's crazy how much work is involved yeah you see them up to their fucking waist in water yeah i saw a dead dog in a rice paddy once face down and we're like oh that's just they're still serving that rice i'm sure yeah they're not gonna waste that rice yeah do you think they wash it off at all i don't know like maybe they're like whatever you're gonna put dead dog on it anyway yeah like oh because it's uncooked it's so wrong well the thing about the rice is like i thought that at least when you get the rice you just get

the rice off the plant and then you could boil it and eat it no no it's like a husk and you gotta beat it down and break it open and then the actual rice is underneath it. I'm just finding this about weed. I thought you just pick weed off a plant and smoke it. No, you've got to cure it and dry it. Cure it? What? What?

You know what's the worst? Female weed is what you want, right? Oh, right. But male and female weed get together, and if the male weed and the female weed get together it ruins the weed yeah like kind of like kind of like real life kind of like real life yeah men ruin everything i didn't know that uh that that plants like i don't know jack shit about horticulture or agriculture but they they breed like there's a male and a female version of these plants i was like what like some guy

was a grower was trying to explain it to me like how they isolate the female plants like wait a minute what pete knows a lot about it of course he does but like yeah it's like what are you talking about girl i'm talking about plants you're wrong yeah no they're plants they don't have vaginas you fucking idiot idiot dumb idiot hey guys this thing I've never researched, I know way more about than this guy who lives his life in it. I've never even looked into it. I was stunned. I was like,

there's a male version, a female version of a fucking plant? What? Yeah. Dude, the more I've researched plants, because I had on this guy

who's fascinating, man. You should really, if you can get him on your podcast, Paul Stamets. Yeah, yeah. I heard him on NPR. Oh, you should have Mon Yeah, I hope you guys up. Okay, you would love it. Especially when he finds out that you invented Shroom fest, you know, he would love you. Yeah, but when he was explaining to me the system through which

plants exchange nutrients and information with fungi. And that fungi, yeah, fungi actually supply these plants with certain nutrients. And there's like an information network of these mycelium that's underneath the ground. Weird. That's how it is. I've heard about this, how like what trees will do is communicate with each other. Once she's dying, they'll send nutrients to the other. I guess fungi is the context or whatever.

Oh, dude, it's fucking bananas. Wow. Yeah, and all underneath the ground. I mean, underneath the ground is this whole almost like information exchanging network of fungi. Wow, and like this one needs help. Yeah, man. They know when others need more resources. They have like a socialist network of allocation of resources.

Strange. It's fucking crazy. And they communicate with each other when they're being eaten. What do you mean? Please help me. They know. They know that other ones are being eaten and they'll change their flavor profile. They actually make their leaves more bitter to avoid predation.

Because like someone's here eating them. Fucking put up your defenses. It's so crazy that you can have the sound of caterpillars chewing leaves. You can play it on a recording next to a plant, and that plant will change its flavor profile. Yeah, they become so disgusting that giraffes won't eat them, and they'll starve to death. Because it's gross.

Because it's disgusting. It's like when they're trying to get kids not to eat their nails, they paint them with that stuff that tastes gross. No they do that. Yeah, stupid kids Fucking kids I see you eat their boogers and you're like what the fuck is wrong with you. Yeah You eat your boogers for all the time Trash receptacle for boogers God you put them in a tissue and you be gone with them You don't eat your boogers you savage. I know we'reacle for boogers? Oh, God. You put them in a tissue and you'd be gone with them. You don't eat your boogers, you savage.

I'm running out of boogers. Well, okay. You do what you got to do. I have one of these JRE shirts. Oh, I have this one actually in my house. Oh, nice. I got one of your crazy mushroom shirts. Which tour was that from?

The Dew Mushrooms tour. I think it was two specials ago, not the last one. There was that one and then there was the other one with you with your tongue open with an acid tab. Oh, that's the 2012. That's the 2012 shirt. Oh, 2012 shirt. Yeah, that's the last one. There was that one. And then there was the other one with you with your tongue open with an acid cap. Oh, that's the 2012. That's the 2012 shirt. 2012 shirt. Yeah. That's the coolest shirt.

I might now bring those back since I fucked up and didn't do a shirt this year. You should bring that back just to sell it. You should just sell it, period. It's a cool one. Yeah. I like the idea of going like, because Iron Maiden had that with like a shirt per year. Yeah. You can show it off at the next Iron Maiden concert.

But you had to be at that concert. Otherwise, you're fucked. That's the one. That's my favorite one. Yeah. I got that it off at the next Iron Maiden concert, but you had to be at that concert otherwise you're fucked. That's the one. That's my favorite one. I got that one. And the hot black chick on top. Ted Park did that. That's the guy

that did the Korean zombie shirt. Oh, really? Yeah. Damn, he's good. He is good. That's a great fucking shirt, man. Yeah. And your eyes

look sufficiently whacked out. Yeah. People are like, why is Marc Maron in your shirt? Ah, that's not Marc Maron. Or the guy from Grateful Dead. Imagine if Marc Maron went the other way.

Super drugged out? Yeah. He gave up on sobriety and just went all mushrooms. Just totally the other way. That's sobriety going, Mark. Oh, good you should ask. I bailed.

Put this on your tongue and then let's talk. After 25 years, I realized, what the fuck am I doing avoiding all the best parts of life? Yeah, that's teaching me this sober October thing. It's teaching me this sober october

thing is teaching me a lot do my bartender last night i went to o'neill's wedding right on o'neill's wedding and i was like do you have any it's at a brewery right and uh i was like do you have any non-alcoholic beer like i was saying like it helps us social because socially it's like fuck everyone's drinking you know um and he goes yeah yeah he goes sober october i'm like yeah but he didn't know a lot of people know this contest, but he was just like, I'm doing it too. Did you know about it before last year? No, because we were going to do it earlier or later,

but then Bert had an Australia thing. I'm like, there's no way you're doing it in Australia. You can't be sober in Australia, and you can't be sober for the Joker's Cruise. And that was November, I think first week of November or something. And so we just settled on October. So we just stumbled upon it.

And other people have been doing it for years, apparently. How long has Sober October been going on for? A long time? Yeah. Jamie says a long time off mic because he doesn't realize we're podcasting. For sure, a while. Oh, who's that? Oh, what's that?

What's that sound in the distance? Yeah, it's apparently been going on for a long time. This guy was doing it? Completely lucked into it. Dude, I was at the Jets game. Somebody sent me a beer. And I was like, what? And then I turned.

And I was like, I can't. And the guy's like, I was trying to catch you. Some dude from the stands. Diaz thinks Bird's drinking. He does? Wow. Yeah. Really?

He goes, I think Bird's drinking. He goes, I saw him the other day. He looked guilty. He ducked his head down, wasn't looking at me. I think he's drinking Joe Rogan. Oh, I've wanted to so bad. I actually needed a break this time. I went to sushi.

I told you I went to sushi. And when was it? I was like, oh, yeah, get a nice cold asahi. Fuck, it's October. God damn it. It's like it makes you realize now it's not just casually drinking, that there's moments where booze really does go well with an experience. Oh, yeah.

Steak and a nice glass of red wine. Oh, yes. Yeah. November 5th, son. We're going off. November 5th, we're going off. November 5th. That's when we're going to do the recap podcast.

We're all going off. going on. So Ari and I have been battling for first place recently until today when Tom Segura snuck in to second place with his 400 plus points today. That really puts the pressure on me. It really has hurt me to not I finally joined a gym because of this.

I have to. Blink. It's a small gym but it's like right near my, it's a seven minute walk from my apartment. So I can pass on the way home from the cellar I can get a workout in right then if I want. That's good. Yeah. It's 24 hours? 24 hours weekdays. New York has a crazy fucking life. There's a crazy life in New York.

Everything's 24. There's so many 24-hour things. Restaurants, pool halls. Yeah, I passed by that place we went a bunch of times. Which place? All the time, actually. Amsterdam? Amsterdam.

It's always there. That place is only open until 2. Oh, really? Yeah, but it's still pretty late. There's a few real sketchy joints that are 24 hours, but if you go in there, you'll get a bunch of creeps that want to gamble with you, and they look like they're cracked out. Oh, fellas, I'm good.

I'm just trying to hit some balls. Yeah. Trying to take my mind off things. Yeah, they're cracked out and trying to hustle. There's very little of that anymore, though. New York is cleaned up for the worse or the better. I mean hustlingling pool hustling it's just kind of died really yeah so like pools dead they have like leagues now yeah you know

yeah it's like well i mean that's good i'm just happy if people play it's a fun thing to play but it's dead in terms of like the way it used to be in manhattan where there was just gambling everywhere you know at the turn of the century there was a thousand pool halls in New York City? What? Yeah, 1900s, the early 1900s. Did you ever see the pool tables like outside in Thailand when you were there?

No, I didn't, but here in the Philippines it's crazy. Yeah, and it's just like, there'll be some like an awning or something. Oh, I did see one. Set up kind of like people who go tailgating, those kind of tents, and it'll be under that that and you can just pull over and be like play and they'll be like white guy for sure let's play no gambling just like having a fun time really oh yeah yeah i saw one in chiang mai in that downtown marketplace area yeah i saw one how fun was that fucking

thai kickboxing pretty fun thai fight's so cool. And they played the instrument, right? Dude, how fucking fun is that? Yeah, it's pretty wild. I've been to those out here where they play it, but Americans get real bored with the Y crew, the dance they do. Yeah, they do a dance for their own dojo. Yeah. Well, they do. Everybody does it.

And there's a real logic behind it. The logic is that you warm up and that you relax yourself. Okay, I can see that. Because you're kind of performing in front of all these people. Going through these dance moves. And also people are staring at you, so it kind of wears off your nerves. There's a reality to that. It's actually really wise.

Wow. And you limber up your body, too. Like a lot of the stuff they're doing is they're getting down on one knee like a lunge, and they're bouncing a little bit. And so they're limbering up their body. And then on top of that, they're actually doing this dance in front of all these people. And it calms the nerves a little bit. Wow.

Yeah. John Fitch will always talk about that, about like the idea of people watching you is actually a big thing. And the UFC is like a bigger people watching you than anywhere else. It's a tougher. People watching you is fucking hard. I mean, people watching you shoot a free throw, you know. Go ahead, dude. Go ahead, yeah. Anywhere else. It's a tougher. People watching you is fucking hard. I mean, people watching you shoot a free throw, you know? Go ahead, dude. Go ahead, dude.

A bunch of people watch you. Oh, fuck. Here I go. Here I go. That's real. Even if it's just like five of your friends. Yeah. Yeah.

Pressure. Pressure's fucking real, man. I mean, that's what everybody's most terrified about what we do. Public speaking. Mm-hmm. I had somebody that we were giving a talk on Shakespeare or something. It was a group project project we each had to write one paragraph

we wrote three paragraphs each one of us read one so I think I read mine just reading it off a paper I was paying attention this next lady was like and then later Shakespeare had the time

on his wife and I was just looking at her like what the fuck and the teacher was like okay okay okay it's alright let's let somebody else read and I was like what the fuck? And the teacher was like, okay, okay, okay. It's all right. Let's let somebody else read. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

It was crazy. It was way before I was a stand-up. But like, it didn't make any sense. I used to panic when I would talk to bank tellers. What? Yeah, I used to go to a bank teller. I'd get super nervous right before I'd have to talk to a bank teller. Why?

I don't know. Yeah, there's no reason for it. Well, when I was a kid, I really felt like a loser. I really did. I had serious low self-esteem issues up until high school, up until martial arts. And then once I started doing martial arts and getting really good at it and then teaching, it kind of calmed me down. Experience.

Yeah. And then it kind of was, believe it or not, almost like a natural path to stand up. But I remember before that being very awkward talking to people, like very nervous talking to people I didn't know. I just didn't feel like. I still get that where I'm like, I don't know how to talk. I'm just a stranger. I don't know how to talk to you.

Yeah, I know, right? Especially if it's an odd thing. It's worse when they know you too and they ask you questions that are so broad. What's Joey Diaz like? Oh, boy. What's he like? Yeah, that's hard. That's hard.

Hey, man, I've got to ask you a question. What should I do for a living? Yeah. What? Okay. Trying to get my shit together. Okay. Fire truck operator.

Yeah. You should make ladders. Yeah, like, wow. I don't know anything about you. What are you talking about? Fire truck operator Yeah you should make ladders Yeah like wow I don't know anything about you What are you talking about You know you used to be a carpenter but I don't want to do it anymore Okay I'm thinking of doing stand up should I do it

Definitely I don't know Go for it Whatever you want I say go for it Sure I guess If you want to do it do it Yeah but everything is like that

But if it doesn't work out don't get mad at me Don't get mad at me I'm not being responsible for this Hey bro you told me to become a fighter now. I'm all fucked up You told me to jujitsu. I got a broken arm now, bro. Who's gonna fix this? Huh? Huh you bro? That's the answer you motherfucker fix that shit. Go get it fixed Yeah, I was talking to a friend of mine who I want to name his name cuz he's got a pretty significant injury and We're talking about his injury. And it's fucking bad, man.

You know, he needs surgery and his bone is changing shape because of arthritis that's building up in his joint. I'm like, oh, fuck. And he's a young guy. And it just makes you realize, like, the fucking punishment these guys are putting on their body. That's, like, totally below the surface. Like, the people don't know. It's behind the curtain. Yeah.

No one knows about it. And they've got, like, these devastating injuries that they're fighting off and then competing against world-class fighters. With injuries. With these torn ligaments and fucked up joints. It's like what you're talking about with Tony Ferguson. He's like, he didn't look comfortable on that leg. No he's like yeah he wasn't you know what he went six months from catastrophic knee injury where the bone literally separated from the ligament the ligament tore off the bone you ever see the the picture of his surgery oh jamie pull that up pull that shit

up jamie it's a crazy surgery because it's, I'm not exaggerating. It might be a 12-inch scar. It's enormous. It's like that big. And it's all jagged and shit. And it's just, he ripped it apart. They had to open him up like a trout. How did he fight again in 12 months?

Not even. Six months. Six months, I mean, yeah. Insane. I don't understand how that guy doesn't clearly get the title shot. He does. He does. We should talk about that.

Look at that. Wow. That's crazy. And the thing is that was just from a trip he just tripped wow fucking bananas yeah what's the second image jamie different angle oh the other side yeah way worse angle yeah yeah the um the extent of that injury the the fact that he came back in six months. And what's really interesting is he came back in six months.

He didn't spar, apparently. Really? I need to talk to him about this, and I'm going to have him on with Eddie. He didn't spar. He just prepared. Is he trained with Eddie? Yeah, he's one of Eddie's black belts. Wow, really?

Yeah. Damn. I think he's a black belt. He should be. I think he is. I think he's good at fighting. I'm pretty sure I think he is. I think he's good at fighting. I'm pretty sure Eddie gave him his black belt after he submitted Kevin Lee. He did, yeah.

Yeah, he's 10th Planet guy. Wow, that's pretty cool. It's pretty badass. He's got a nasty darts choke. Yeah, he should clearly get the title shot. It doesn't make sense to me. When he came back, he shouldn't have even gotten stripped in hindsight. I agree 100%. And then it's like you have Khabib, who's the title holder, fair and square, I guess. to me even that when he came back he shouldn't have even gotten stripped in hindsight i i agree

100 and then it's like you have khabib who's the title holder fair and square i guess but like you never beat the champion well he's more of a legit title holder in my opinion than khabib was before connor because he beat al iaquinta who wasn't even supposed to be fighting for the title whereas kevin lee is a way more like who did ferguson get from? Well, Ferguson fought Kevin Lee for the interim title. Oh, because Conor left it. But Kevin Lee prepared for Tony Ferguson. They met. They fought for the interim title.

And Kevin Lee is like a top contender. Right. Whereas Al Iacquinta is like... He's a fucking tough guy, obviously. He went five rounds with Khabib. Conor couldn't go five rounds with Khabib. And he put up resistance. It was a good fight.

But he would never have been able to get him on a title shot. No. Maybe in the future. He was never in that discussion. Well, he's fighting Kevin Lee. If he beats Kevin Lee, that's the next fight for Al Iaquinta. And maybe he'll get the rematch. Look, Al Iaquinta is fucking legit.

He's very legit. He's underrated. Like, really underrated, in my opinion. Yeah. I think the way he got up from Khabib taking him down, nobody's been able to do that. He got up pretty consistently, took very little damage on the ground. Khabib was never able to pound him out the way he pounded out Conor. If you go back and watch Al Iaquinta versus Khabib and Conor versus Khabib, you realize how fucking good Al Iaquinta is.

Not just tough. Also, Conor does nothing on the ground. Well, he didn't in that fight. Really, when Mendes took him down on two weeks notice, and it was like, if he didn't gas, Mendes would have beat him. It's true. It's like, he can't fight on the ground. Well,

he did very well on the ground against Max Holloway, which was early in Max's career. Max was only like 21 at the time. But, I agree with you. That's definitely his weakest part of his game and the strongest part of Khabib's game. My point was just

that Al Iaquinta did not get beat up on the ground like that. Did not get close to being stopped. Went full five rounds and Khabib clearly won the fight but Al Iaquinta provided resistance and provided more of a struggle than connor did i honestly think some of the reason that's holding ally quinta back from the fans being from them

thinking of him as like a top is his name it's just not he has a name of someone who'd be like in the early round of mike tyson's punch out you say that but if he started starching world champions nobody would give a fuck about his name if he went out there and destroyed khabib and fucking head kicked him into another dimension true good point good point nobody would give a fuck about his name. If he went out there and destroyed Khabib and fucking head kicked him into another dimension. True. Good point. Good point. Nobody would give a fuck. Yeah. When they talk about like how hot like celebrities are like you wouldn't say that if he wasn't in nine movies. Like who? I don't know.

Like Ryan Reynolds? Pretty hot. Yeah. Things like that. Really? Yeah. The moon guy? He's in the moon movie? Right? Or maybe like Dane. Even like Dane people like he's good looking. Dane Cook? Yeah. But like even back then it was like but it's like no. He's kind of cute for a comedian. He's fine, but for a comedian. Yeah.

But for super successful, so you're like, oh, this guy's hot. It's like, not really. Not like... Jeremy Renner. I remember him on commercial days. Oh, yeah, he's not that hot. And it was like, good looking guy, but now people are like, he's so gorgeous.

And it's like, that success is on that. That's true, yeah. For gals. Isn't that funny that it doesn't work like that with girls at all? Uh-uh. At all. As a matter of fact, it makes them a a little gross. What if they're if they're hot if they're more successful Yeah, like super successful and not that good-looking like, you know

It works the opposite if they're gross looking and then they get successful like Joan Jett like I'll fuck Joan Jett now Oh Joan Jett's hot. Yeah, Joan Jett's always been hot But in a like a Harvey those these women without their fame are like get away from me. Really? We're talking Joan Jett's always been hot. PJ Harvey. These women, without their fame, are like, get away from me. Really? We're talking. Joan Jett? Yeah, man. I love rock and roll.

Put another dime in the jukebox, baby. Yeah, but get out of here. Go put a dime in the jukebox. You're disgusting. Wow. I disagree strongly. I'm saying it's only because of her fame. She's great.

I always thought she was hot. I know you did. But when I was in high school. Yeah. Well, she was hot when I was in high school. Joan Jett's probably a hundred and fifty five years old Yeah, she's playing like Dewey Beach next week She's at the Canyon Club What does she look like now? Hmm? She looks like

Okay, well, that's a little issue. That's that's a Sharon Osbourne. Yeah, you got the wrong photo. No, that's her I know yeah I think you got the wrong photo no that's her I know I'm joking I was like wait what at first I thought you said

you looked like her then I'm like no no that is her yeah well you know fucking father time fucks us all in the ass god damn it father time

yeah anyway the reason I wanted to come on here talk MMA yeah it's because I had this unique experience that a lot of people like I mention it sometimes

and they're like oh you've been to a UFC I'm like dude I've been to like 50 of them and they're like how and it was just this cool thing where i guess in your contract early on you got this deal you get a free companion flight and a free companion hotel and then you started inviting us and then we started doing comedy shows on friday night after

the weigh-ins and then it became like a thing yeah and so we these weekends we do one big show and then go to the weigh-ins and have and have uh the actual ufc the next day it was just this fun weekend full of like doing something stand up and also having fun well how about the classic example of you and duncan kissing when cb dolla that's a good way to start why not cb dolla way right it boring. It was a fucking wrestling fight. It was boring. And you guys waited until the camera came on. Here it is.

Yeah, he was on the ground. And then he turned. I couldn't stop laughing. Look at Frosty. Look at Frosty. I wish I had held it longer. Oh, it's Nate Marquardt. That's who it is.

Nate Marquardt was fighting somebody. Yeah, we were given a Illuminati sign. Duncan doesn't sit up there normally. Frosty was always really cool, letting us sit up there and make us feel welcome. Frosty's a great guy. Yeah, great guy. Love him. And then Duncan was like, let's give Illuminati signs because he's up there.

He doesn't really care about the sport. So we were just looking at the monitors, seeing the fucking technique of all of it, of what goes into the fucking filming of it it's like you fucking yeah we give a joint illuminati triangle right behind joe silva people they're really really dumb people they think you guys are really in the illuminati has that people have been saying like you're in the illuminati people. They think you guys are really in the Illuminati. Doug has that. People have been saying, you're in the Illuminati. I know you are.

You and Rogan. I get people all the time saying I'm in the CIA. That's great. That's great. What a terrible operative you are if they uncovered it. Could you imagine if that was the secret to my career? All the other stuff was just so I could portray a normal person. All the drug use, history of martial arts, getting in with the UFC, becoming the commentator.

It's so public, though, to be a CIA agent. There's a stand-up just to be, it's like so I can go deep, deep undercover and nobody would buy it. It's like, wouldn't it just be better to be a garbage man? Like, no, no one would suspect this. There's people that just want to believe the dumbest fucking conspiracies, period. The dumbest conspiracies. Like, there was some fucking guy, one of those Infowars guy, that was promoting something recently that Hillary was 50% reptilian. 50%?

I've heard 30% I can believe, but 50? 50 is a lot. Full half? Yeah, see if you can find that. Someone said she has 50% reptilian blood. Well, you know, that was a David Icke thing for the longest time. The reptilians. Yeah, remember he was saying, he won't talk about that now apparently.

Why? He gets angry when people bring up reptilians because it's embarrassing. Because he was like, I shouldn't have believed that. Yeah, but it's a fucking foolhardy, well, and then he became way more mainstream and then the internet came along and the people were like, hey, you remember that fucking reptilian thing? That's the craziest shit of all time. He needs to have an answer for that.

Either, oh yeah, I was just making that up for whatever, when I was back in the early days of internet. Or I believed it. Right, or like, I believed it, now I realize how crazy that was. Yeah, you can say that. But not like, don't bring it up. Yeah.

There's, I mean, look, there's fucking, there's a real conspiracy. You know that story about that journalist that was killed by the saudis this week uh-huh that's real that he was killed yeah they they finally admitted that they killed him the saudis did yeah they said that they killed him in a fight which is if you see the guy you're like this guy's not fighting anyone yeah like and some of the the crown prince's top people top security people have been released, apparently. Probably gave them a fucking $100 million and said, go chill on a beach somewhere.

Wow. Somebody said one of them, too, was like, died in a car accident this week, quote unquote. They kill a lot of journalists, man. No, not a journalist. I mean, one of the- Infowars real news Twitter banned after MSM outcry over Hillary's satire. So it was a satire piece? Yeah, I just found the piece, and I was like, there's no way that this is real. They thought it was satire? I don't know

who did. Can I just tell you about Hillary Clinton Reese's DNA test proving she's only half lizard person. Only half lizard. She released it to clear her name? Did you know Elizabeth Warren released that thing that says she's got actual Native American blood, but it's literally like

1,100,000 fucking million trillionth. Wow. She has that says she's got actual Native American blood, but it's literally like one, one hundred thousand, one thousand twenty-fourth. Fucking million trillionth. Wow. She has like the smallest amount of- Is there a Ben Shapiro tweeted about that? What'd he say? Oh, fuck.

Jamie, try to find it. Your great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Yeah, but, and then it was something else, but I forget what it was. See if we could find it. But I think I'm 1.6% African. I did one of those DNA tests.

Are you really? Yeah. And I'm done. See you later. I have standards. Goodbye. I think I'm at least 10 times more African than she is Native American. Wow.

That's how ridiculous it is. I might be wrong with these numbers because Jamie and I were trying to work it out and we were both stupid as fuck. Why did she release that as like C instead of going like, oh, I guess I'm not. Because she was lying. And she was also lied to. Probably her family was like, well, you know, we have Native in us. I'm like, oh, cool.

That does happen. Yeah. People do check. Like Jamie. Jamie thought he had a gang of Native American in him. He did a check. Supposedly do. It's hard to prove is from what I'm trying to find out.

Right. I can't wait to do one of those tests. I just have it to see if I'm over 97% Jewish or under 97% Jewish. Mine is almost exactly what I thought. It's mostly Italian. It's some other European, like Irish and English. You've got to be part monkey. Yeah, there's some Neanderthal.

I found Neanderthal in there. Yeah. You ever see the South Park? 57% more than the average person. You see the South Park on that? No. Where he was trying to prove that he was a minority so he could claim victimhood. And in order to take the test, he swabbed your mouth.

So first he found a Native American and just started making out with them and then swabbed. And then they were like, came up kind of weird. You're like 98% Native American. So we're going to need a blood test. He goes, oh, fuck. Oh, that's hilarious. So it proves he wasn't any minority, except he was like 2% Neanderthal. And he goes, you wiped my people out!

You raped my people! Oh, that's great. Yeah. Stan Marsh is a great character. Yeah, so anyway, so we're doing that. We keep trying to get on film. Illuminati signs. Yeah, he can see the monitor, you know, the monitor on your table. Yeah. And so he goes, you know, next time we have to kiss. And I was like, fuck.

Because as a person, I'm like, I don't want to do that. But as a comic, I'm like, oh, I have no choice. Obviously, that's the right move. You have to. So it's like, God damn it. So I'm like, all right, I'm watching this fight. Tell me when it's time. And then a minute later, he goes, now.

Did you guys touch tongues? I mean, yeah, we wrapped it around a little. Gotta enjoy it. No, I don't think we touched tongues. Maybe we did. I think you might have. I think it was a real kiss. And then Frosty's just watching the monitor.

He's not even looking at us. He's like, I wish I had held it a little longer. I thought it was over. Yeah, that's intense. You grabbed his face, too. Like, you really loved him. Oh, yeah, I did. He put his hand on your shoulder in sort of like a submissive stance.

And look at Joe Silva. Hmm, this fight is interesting. Joe Silva's got his hands crossed. Totally oblivious to the homosexual activity going on behind him. This is back when the fighters could actually make a living in sponsorship. Oh, yeah. Look at his shorts. Covered in sponsors.

Yeah, that's a big selling point for Bellator for a lot of fighters. Living in a sponsorship? Oh, yeah. Look at his shorts. Covered in sponsors. Yeah. Cotton Depot. That's a big selling point for Bellator for a lot of fighters. Come here and actually make some cash. Well, there's a lot more money to be made if you can get sponsors. I mean, Schaub was making more than $150,000 a fight just from sponsors. Wow. Yeah, and the flag behind you afterwards.

The flag behind you, the shorts. They quickly rushed to put the t-shirt on. Yeah, and t- behind you afterwards. The flag behind you, the shorts. They quickly rushed to put the t-shirt on. Yeah, and t-shirts around the week of the fight. Like, you know, people would pay you to wear it for all

your training footage. Oh, really? I remember when the sponsor, I remember when they did away with it, the fighters going, hey, come to fucking,

you know, whatever nightclub, come to Shush. We're going to be partying. I don't know what those dumb fucking nightclubs they have in Vegas. Yeah, my after parties at Shush. yeah someone's gonna open up a church now uh and then they're like hey guys you can't do that anymore it's gross i think that came out of the time by

the way i remember one of the earlier ones in sacramento i see i got to see luckily not from when you were in the ufc but from this middle range to where it is now of like all the fighters would stay at the same hotel and like we'd have the after party there. Yeah. We'd all hang out. Yeah. Four or five fans would show up who knew about it. But generally it was just a way you can drink with Keith Jardine and all these guys.

Those were great times. Great times. I remember you eventually had to make the decision like I can't be here anymore. It's going to be an overrun with fans. But for a while, it was awesome. Yeah. The ring car girls would hang. Two things changed.

One, cell phones with cameras. Pictures all the time. That changed. Because it used to be people just wanted to say hi. Then it was everyone had a phone out, and they all wanted to take a photo, and they would wait for you in the elevator bank. So you would get out of the elevator, and there would be 50 people there. And you couldn't go anywhere. And you were always so late to the event you're like i can't i have to

go yeah i should have left 20 minutes ago what about the fans i'm like i'm doing my job yeah i'm about to do it for a million fans so you four don't really matter as much i'm running to the fucking weigh-ins these guys are starving to death right now and i gotta get there i can't be late for the weigh-ins it's televised no people would get so angry if you didn't take their photo but it was such good times i remember in sacramento there was a hotel bar that we were all at and it was like this is fucking awesome hanging out casually you happen to get into conversations with fighters yep yeah trainers delegati people like that you just talk yeah it completely changed it completely changed as a well 2005 is really when it changed because that's when the Ultimate Fighter came on.

And when the Ultimate Fighter took off and the sport became, it just became much bigger. Like almost within a year, it was like significantly bigger. And then it kept going. And then 2000, like, what was the iPhone? 2007? Six-ish. Six-ish? That's when shit really changed with the cameras on the phones, man.

From then to eight, nine. And then I was like, I can't do this anymore. I have to. Because we would do shows. I remember you were like, I've got to go to Dana's Hotel. Well, there was no way. It was just too crazy. It's like you would get stalked coming into the hotel.

You get stalked leaving the hotel. People would find your door and knock on your door. But it wasn't like that. And it was so fun. It was so fun. Yeah, we were there in the fucking salad days. I remember you doing the weigh-ins once in, I believe, Fort Lauderdale. And we were walking to there with the tap-out guys.

Yeah. I remember Scrape telling me, Scrape and Mass saying, like, we found it. This was before the iPhone, actually, because he was like, we found a way to crank text people. What you do is you put in 10 different contacts of a text, all the same number, and they say, hey, how you doing? And then they would just get 10 individual texts. And so you just keep doing that. Oh, that's so fucking stupid.

Yeah, they would take pictures of people. But I remember you doing the weigh-ins and going, and it was, back then it was only the camp showed up. Yeah, it was small. Yeah. It was just in a, like a hall, you was small. Yeah. It was just in a hall. Not a hallway, but like a banquet hall. And you go, Ari, I almost brought you up. I was like, oh, I wish you would have, dude.

That's right. I was going to bring you on stage. I was like, I would have for sure gotten naked. Ari Shafir! And nobody would have stopped that. No. They would have been like, ha, ha, ha. I would have gone up there, weighed in.

Well, a lot of the stuff Like imagine if the UFC Was going to hire me today Yeah And they like watched One episode of the podcast Of us getting fucked up We need to clean it up A little bit

Yeah Yeah William Morris Wouldn't allow that As a hire If WME Like Yeah I mean They'd be like

You gotta be fucking kidding me There's no way Yeah Uh uh Let's get Let's get Jeff Probst Yes To do it Get that guy He knows a lot about MMA Does he really you gotta be fucking kidding me. There's no way. Yeah, uh-uh. Let's get Jeff Probst. Yes.

Get that guy. Get that guy. He knows a lot about MMA. Does he really? No. No, okay. And that's not Sharon Osbourne. Yeah, but it was such fucking Wild West crazy shit.

And I was just getting it. I just started training with Eddie. He started paying for that. And so I'd see the billboard at the Hyatt, now the Ondas, looking over the comedy store. I remember seeing Liddell Couture 2, I think. And people are like, oh, it's a fight fight I'm like, oh, what does that mean? Who are those guys and having Tate and you go like the other actually fought an epic fight or two might have been three

I'm not sure And now they're gonna have a rematch like oh cool. I didn't really know anything about it I remember rolling at the old bomb squad and having people talk about I'm like, what is this thing that you guys are talking about? I remember hoist Gracie, but I don't know any of these people. I don't know the terms you're using. Getting them on the ground. And it's all a question of match-ups. Mattress makes fun.

I'm like, oh. I'm just trying to get a half guard in. Trying to figure out how to do that. My rear naked choke defense got good fast. Dude, you got pretty good. You got pretty good. I remember you tapping people. I remember looking over and watching you tap some guys going, damn.

It was fun. Fucking jujitsu. If bodies didn't break from doing jujitsu, it would be the most fun thing to do. If bodies were way more durable, like necks didn't give out. Eddie's had three surgeries inside of the last year. He had knee surgery. He had his back disc replaced in his back and then he just had shoulder surgery it's like your body just gets blown apart

I tore my meniscus I had a surgery on it they didn't know what it was for the longest time your buddy Dr. Steve he was like oh MRIs get false negatives 20% of the time just tell them to scope it it's time. Just tell them to scope it. Because I was like, it's showing nothing.

He goes, it's probably that. Just tell them to scope it. They went in there and found it and did it right then. But when they did it, they were like, what do you do? What might hurt it? And I was showing him jujitsu, high guard, just on the table myself. And he was like, and so I'm pulling my leg back like that. And he's like, what?

Why? Don't do that. And I was like, oh i'm pulling my leg back like that you know and he's like what why don't do that and i was like oh that's i have to do that's part of it like he goes why would you bend your leg like that i'm like that's every day man that's twice a week they don't know what the fuck they're talking about that's just a flexibility issue yeah that never bothered my knees really no no if you're flexible i think it was kettlebells more than jits that did it to me yeah because i remember we were doing some stuff like you were doing cleans and presses, and I was like, ooh. For a guy who doesn't ever lift weights, this is a pretty explosive movement.

Yeah. My technique's not perfect, so then it's like really opening it up to more damage. And it's also, when you get sore from doing something like that, you really should take a long time off. The real hard thing for people that are just starting to lift weights is the building process. It's like one of the things that we had talked about with this fitness challenge was lifting the most amount of weights and improving your max weight over the month.

I was like, okay, guys, let's be, let's slow down here. Cause you guys, I mean, I know Tom lifts weights a little, you don't lift weights at all. No, I do not. I lift weights a lot. lifts weights a little you don't lift weights at all no i do not i lift weights a lot and i'm like listen if i'm going to improve my max and things we're running the risk of catastrophic injury like we're running the risk of tearing ligaments it also be bad for the contest to have somebody have to drop out yeah it could fuck you up pretty bad i don't lift max weight i lift like considerably less than my max weight and i don't go to failure i do this you don't lift max weight. I lift considerably less than my max weight, and I don't go to failure.

I do this – You don't go to failure? No. I operate under these principles of this guy, Pavel Tatsulin, who came up with this company called Strong First. And what the idea is is you do less – like say if I can do a 70-pound kettlebell and I can press it over my head 15 times. I don't do 15 times. I do six, five or six.

And then I put it down and I leave it alone for like 10 minutes. And then I come back and I do another five and I do low repetitions. And unless I'm doing conditioning, in which case I'll use a much lighter weight and I'll do way higher. That's what Cameron was saying. Yeah. But Cam does different shit. He does like 40 reps of five. He does a bunch of weight and I'll do way higher reps. That's what Cameron was saying. Yeah, but Cam does different shit. He does like 40 reps of five.

He does a bunch of ridiculous shit. He's a fucking maniac. You can't pay attention to him because he doesn't make sense. He's outside the norm. He doesn't make any sense. He doesn't get injured. He fucking runs marathons every day and he'll do hundreds of repetitions. Like he'll do sets of 25, like four sets of 25.

He runs marathons every day. Yeah, like when he's preparing for one of those big races, he runs a marathon a day. Jesus. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. But also you have to recognize that he built himself into that state over decades. Do you know marathon, where it comes from? Yeah.

It was a distance that they had to run to alert someone of something, right? And do you know the guy? I guess his name was Marathon or the guy who was- Died right afterwards. Right afterwards. Delivered the message and died. But it was more than an actual marathon. I don't think it was actually-

It wasn't 26.2? I think it was 100 miles. I think the guy ran 100. See if that's true. The origin of the term marathon. Jay, if you call that up, origin of marathon, please. Thank you. Yeah, pull that shit up, Jay.

Nice t-shirt, by the way. So Cam doesn't count. Yeah. I don't understand how he's not always hurt. But anyway, so you do less. Oh, 25 miles. Oh. Huh.

So it is not. He was just announcing the fucking, announcing the defeat of the Persians. He was just announcing a sports score. Wow. He wasn't alerting them. Say that guy's name. Try to say his name. The soldier Fidipides.

Fidipides. Fidipides. Fidipides. Is that it? Fidipides. Sure. He's like, I don't know, dude. What do you want, man?

You're the boss. The first marathon commemorated the run of soldier Fidipides from a battlefield near the town of Marathon, Greece to Athens in 490 BC. According to legend, Pheidippides ran the approximately 25 miles to announce the defeat of the Persians to some anxious Athenians. But it doesn't say that the guy died. No, it does not. But I guess it does. It does say he died.

See how that guy's running? Look up. See where the guy's striking with his heel? It's wrong. Totally wrong. Not only is it wrong, human beings never ran like that before they invented those stupid fucking shoes. I heard you say that before when you were talking about the goat shoes. So I try to lead with my, not sole, what is it?

Your ball of my foot. You're supposed to lean forward more. And when you lean forward more, you strike down and you almost hit with your foot flat. But what you never want to do is run like that asshole, heel down. That's how people destroy their knees running. And that was all created by Nike. Nike created that stupid fat heel shoe because, you know, to give you more cushioning. But it's just the mechanics of it are totally wrong.

If you ever watch little kids run, they run ball of the foot first. That's natural. That's how you're supposed to naturally run. Your foot is literally designed as a shock absorber. I run with those minimalist shoes. My shoes have zero cushioning. Zero. So I'm running mountains and hills and shit like that.

Even when I hunted elk last week, see these guys? Oh, yeah. Right on the ball. They do both. But the black ones, the real dark black ones were good. They run barefoot,

those fucking guys. But these guys are landing flat. They have a lot of cushioning on these shoes, you have to realize. Some of these guys are landing heel. That guy in the back is landing heel first. And that's because of those goddamn shoes. If you didn't have shoes like that, there's no fucking way. That guy's

all heel. See that last guy? That guy's all heel. You would never run guy's all heel you would never run like that It's against the mechanics of the human knee hold it go back to that. What is that video that just come up? It's the elite. What was that video that was just coming up next about to come up next said Candice Running cadence Oh cadence, okay that that video Like that's the only reason that people are running like that. It's because of the invention of those shoes.

I mean, you run quite a bit, right? I've seen, the reason I look for that is because I've seen a video from the Olympics, I think it was last year, where they were showing long-distance runners, and all of them had a different stride. Some were running ball foot first, some were running heel first. The winner was different. I mean, it also goes to all their bodies are different they have different well you can run heel first with those shoes and you can

get away with it for a long time the the issue is that's not the way your body's designed and the only reason why people are running like that is because those fucking shoes you know um if you talk to physiologists and people study anatomy and the loads and the human need. There's massive problems with running heel first. You're not designed like that. I would say, though, just as a disclaimer, the biggest problem for most people who are probably listening to this is you don't run at all. Yeah, that too. So go ahead and get up your fucking ass and run and then figure out the exact right technique later. Remember when we were trying to convince Bert that running on a treadmill is not the same as running?

And he was like, no way. And then he tried real running. He was like, oh, fuck. Dude, it is so much harder. Of course, the fucking treadmill's coming towards you. All you have to do is pick your legs up. But you know, it's way, for me anyway, that I've noticed running on actual ground versus pavement. Ground is

way easier. Oh, way easier. On my joints, I can go longer. It's a give or something. It's like putting on a cork. But you can run on pavement, no problem, as long as you run uphill. Oh, way easier. On my joints, I can go longer. It's a give or something. It's like putting on a cork. But you can run on pavement, no problem, as long as you run uphill. Oh, really? Because then it's toe-toe-toe? Well, it's not just that. There's no pounding when you're running uphill

because you're decelerating as you catch yourself and you're pushing off. It's like you're doing lunges. The problem, though, with that is unless you're running in a Dali painting, then it's fucking impossible to keep running uphill. That's a good point. Good reference, too. Dali painting.

How many Dali references do you have on this MMA podcast? Zero. This is the first one ever. I walk downhill, basically. Do you walk the way? And then run uphill. Oh, really? I mean, I go way slower downhill.

It's just dangerous. It's bad for your joints to pound going downhill. Deceleration, like running downhill and catching yourself like that, it's just not good. But the deceleration, it's not even deceleration, really. But when you run uphill, there's no pounding because you're just reaching that area and then pushing. But it wears you out more, but like your muscles. But you're right. The joints are okay.

We were hiking the Alps this year in July. And man, there's uphills where you really have to push. But the downhills, you're pushing off. Yeah. And it just hurts more. It hurts your quads. Yeah. It beats up your knees too.

It really beats up your knees. Yeah. I found that elk hunting too, but the really painful stuff was the downhill. You're just stopping yourself, stopping yourself, stopping yourself. Yeah. There's also a lot of sliding. Yeah, and they almost got to push a foot sideways to go down that way. It's almost easier.

Yeah, that's why they have such stiff shoes. Those stiff mountaineering shoes. So you don't come over the edge? You get an edge, and you can dig that edge into the ground. I got some good boots for that, and it was really good. Makes a big difference. I tried hiking with these minimalist shoes this last trip that I was on. I didn't like them.

I wasn't a fan. They're fine for running, if I'm running on a trail. But for hiking, the human body is just, we have bitch-ass bodies. Our bodies are so weak. Also, with boots, you want to be able to walk into a creek without having to worry about this is going to soak my socks for the next four hours. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, Gore-Tex. You want that Gore-Tex lining of your boots. By the way, so after that fight, after that me and Duncan kissing, there was a blog that went up pretty fast that said, two bored bearded dudes make out at UFC. And I got a text from a guy. I just got a new phone, a flippy and uh somebody i didn't know who it was somebody texted me like oh you two were quite the social media darlings last night weren't you and i didn't respond i didn't know who it was and then um later i looked through my

eye message to you it was dana and i was like he's not mad i don't think he does but you never quite know i know right because you're like you are you are a CEO. In addition to being this cool fucking regular dude who curses all the time, you're also a CEO, which is who I don't normally get along with. He's the president of a gigantic sports organization. Yeah. That guy, it's interesting meeting that guy, too. Having dinners with him and casual conversations. To listen to a highly successful person and just how they like normally act once you drop the guard you know um it's just interesting he's like a driven dude for sure very driven yeah he he loves making deals and all the

all the shit that's involved in it but um hearing you guys talk about like the fucking meatheads of boston fighting and stuff like the top two meatheads finally met. I remember the story he told once, and it was like, whoa. Well, Boston, where Dana came up and where I came up, the sparring was awful. He sparred a lot in South Boston, and I sparred in Somerville and in Revere and a couple of these other places. Everybody would beat the shit out of each other. There was no real sparring.

I believe there's only one R in Revere. Revere. Yeah. Revere. Revere. Yeah. There was no – you're supposed to spar. Well, there's a lot of debate on this, but most people think you should spar at like 60% to 70% maximum.

Everybody sparred 100%. Wow. They just fought. Everybody fought. Right. Everybody got brain damage. 100%. That's why Boston's how it is.

You went to Harvard or you're a dork. And the women aren't the best looking. There was one time when you went on stage. You went on stage. You challenged me. And we said something it's like one of these things that comics do

where you say something like real dark just to your comic friends and they're like you should do that on stage and it's like this challenge of like oh right Ari goes on stage

at the Comedy Connection in Faneuil Hall and he goes I don't remember the exact wording of it 450 people but you were like you know the problem

with Boston is women are just really not that good looking and people like i love that training that now i can go after a crowd and just like hey you can go with me if you want i'm being honest yeah you know that training yeah yeah the way and that that you can see that in like uh in like uh cat williams when he's shitting on michael jackson when he was still a hero yeah and everyone's like boo he goes fuck you i have children fuck you he's shitting on Michael Jackson when he was still a hero

and everyone's like boo he goes fuck you I have children fuck you he's a molester you know that go right at them

I don't care how you feel I'm justified in this well Cat Williams is super justified with that I mean that was just something so was I

Boston women are disgusting even if they're good looking their voices are garbage don't wreck your body fuck me and my pussy huh come on you fucking queer but those were fun times too man

because like when we first started going on the road together like one of the more fun things was well it was really fun hanging out

and doing shows but it was also fun saying like you can't get fired. You can't get fired. Dude, that was such an influential time in my stand-up. That specifically, where it was like, we're at the hotel, five-minute walk from Faneuil Hall, and I'm like, let's get high. And I was like, no, I'm about to perform on stage. Are you crazy?

I can't get high right now. That's when I had been high 20 times, maybe. Right. And you're like, why? I'm like, because I won't do good. He goes, so? I'm like, what do you mean so? He goes, so.

But then he goes, you won't get fired. They didn't hire you. You can't play here. It's 450 seats. And also, it's too far for you to go to feature. And you're just way too big for you to headline. So I'm hiring you. And I don't care if you get too fucked up.

So smoke pot. And I was like, yeah, I was like yeah I also wanted you to feel free and that there's these moments when you get high and you go on stage where and they don't always happen but there are moments where you take a right turn into brilliantville and that right turn doesn't exist sometimes if you're sober. If you're sober, you'll stick to the script. But if you're high, you're like, so what if I did fuck my dog? Yeah.

Let's try it. I don't know. Let's try this for a while. Out of nowhere, you might come up with this premise or this tagline or this thing that comes from you being in this altered state of consciousness. Yeah, and you can't do it, any comic, listen,

I would not advise you doing it on a big showcase where you have to show like william marshall or when you're taping something where it's important but for workout sets yeah when really you're just trying to get work out of this so so um and back then i could get hot now you and i we get high for a couple hours you know maybe then i was high for nine hours you know i spoke three hits there was. So anyway, we had two sets that night, a Friday or Saturday night. And the first set was awful. I mean, I forgot what I was saying. I had no idea where I was going. It wasn't that bad.

It was bad. No, no, no. Parts of it were really fun. Parts of it. Okay. But then by the second set, now then you went on for an hour. Then we had a half hour break. And then went on again.

By then I had come down a little bit. and the second set was what you were talking about. Free, flowing. You really should get high about an hour and a half before you go on stage. Not like right before. I fucked up and got high right before. That's not wise. What's wise is an hour and a half. On your way down.

You already know where it's gone, and now you're coasting. You know what Edgar would do, Matt Edgar would do for a while? He would go on late at the comedy store and he wouldn't get high all day. You know your first hit of the day is like your biggest one and cigarette smokers have this too. It's the only time you can get a buzz, that first cigarette. You know? But your first

weed hit is the biggest one. He wouldn't smoke all day. He'd have a 12 15 a.m. spot and when they go hey Matt, we're lighting Tony. He'd go cool. Run to the main room, smoke a bunch in that three minutes and then go on stage yeah and he'd be going up and feeling it while he's on like it wouldn't even hit him until he's two minutes on oh jesus yeah he did that for like six months that would be good if you had notes yeah and if you followed what you talked about already that's what i tell me when they play clandestiny or comedy underground they

call it in Toronto. Oh, that place is crazy. In Queens East. And I'm like, any advice? I'm like, my advice is bring a set list. I normally don't say that,

but this is one you will lose your place. Dude, there was no air in that room once. Greenouts. It was only pot. Like you were breathing pot and exhaling pot.

It was all pot. My buddy Manolis, he was like, I don't smoke. And then he's in the back for 20 minutes. Like, dude, I'm high as shit. Yeah, Tripoli. Tripoli wasn't getting high back then.

And yes, you are if you stand in there. Oh, yes, you are. He was barbecued. That's when I started to believe secondhand smoke is a real thing. It's fucking totally real. I didn't think it was until then. People don't think it's real. It's crazy.

We used to mock Tate because Tate didn't want to get high. We would smoke pot and Tate would have to stick his head out the window like an ostrich. I'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? He was worried he didn't want to get hot boxed. That's when we used to get vans. Remember, we used to get vans for a while? Yeah, conversion vans. Yeah, we would rent vans because there were so many of us.

Oh, yeah. You would come with a fucking entourage. Yeah, we would entourage it. And Red Band would film it. We would just have shenanigans in every town we went to. You bring you, of course, and then Eddie, Tate, and Red Band as the non-comedians. And then me and Duncan or me and Diaz or whatever. There was a shitload of us.

Yeah, so five, six people. And then we would feast. We'd go to these fucking amazing restaurants and feast. Fogo a lot. Oh, we went to a lot of fogos. That brings me back to one of my memories. I believe it was Cincinnati. Was nearby, right near the hotel.

It was Cincinnati. Okay, Chihuahua, Korea. Yeah, right across the street. Yeah. And as we're leaving, fucking newly Botoxed, what's his name? Vandelay. Vandelay came in. We're like, dude, that's fucking Vandelay.

And he was the most fierce pregame fighter. The way he'd look at you like, I want to kill you for taking this fight. Yeah. Nobody was scarier than him in his prime. Yeah. Cro Cop was scary because he would just be so calm. Like, I don't care. Let's do this.

Well, Cro Cop stared him down more than anybody ever stared Vandelay down. He wouldn't break. Well, Cro Cop was a straight up killer. He was the head of the Croatian anti-terrorist up killer. He was like, I've murdered people in Crow blood. He was the head of the Croatian, yeah, Croatian anti-terrorist squad. They begged for mercy and I've showed them none. Get the fuck out of here. And he's a world class kickboxer.

Like, he wasn't afraid of Vanderlei's strike. And he was a heavyweight. And Vanderlei really wasn't a heavyweight. Yeah. But anyway, we saw him checking in and we went to eat. He was in that churrascaria 15 minutes late. Like, he threw his shit down and came in. He was like, so excited about it.

That's it. Like, look look at crow cop Wow. Yeah Dude Nobody stared down crow cop back then that was when crow cop was at the peak these Japanese guy going through his routine He's like fuck and I'm pretty sure this was before Crow cop really had sort of mastered MMA He was coming over as a straight kickboxer, and they had different rules for him. The rules for Krokop were, like, you can only fight on the ground for, like, 30 seconds. Oh, really?

Yeah, and if the fight went to a distance, it would be a draw. Damn. Yeah, because he really didn't have a lot of experience with takedown defense or any MMA fighting back then. And Vanderlei didn't get Botox. He had his face reconstructed because his nose, he had been in so many brawls, his nose had completely flattened where he couldn't breathe out of it, and he had so much scar tissue over his eyes that his eyes were drooping down,

so he'd get cut instantly. Any punch that would hit him would open him up like a gas, and his nose was completely flat. So they took a chunk of his rib and rebuilt his nose. And he had his nose built big so he could breathe out of it more. And then he had all the scar tissue removed from his eyebrows and then pulled back. And according to Dana, I don't know, but Dana's like, God, it's done in Brazil on the cheap. And it just wasn't.

They didn't really make him look like Vanderlei. Wow. So he went from Vanderlei Silva. Didn't really make him look like Vanderlei. Wow. So he went from Vanderlei Silva. It's like Vanderlei Silva has the most profound facial form change in all of MMA. Damn.

Because he went from pretty, if you go back. He's like Sammy Sosa. Vanderlei Silva versus, go to Vanderlei Silva versus Dan Henderson 1. When they first fought in Pride. He was a normal, actually pretty good-looking guy, like regular good-looking guy. And then by the time he left Pride, his face was just smashed in. By the time he fought Chuck Liddell, his face was just smashed in.

His nose had been literally flattened from punches and kicks, and not just from fights, but also from training. The training that he did at Chutebox in Curitiba was legendary. His face was fucked up. Fucked up. That also, okay, would bring me to another thing. We got to go to Brazil one time. Yeah.

We didn't do a show that time. See, that's him versus Dan Henderson. Pretty normal looking. You can make that a little bigger so you can see. Yeah. Super normal looking. Just a normal looking badass. That was the first fight where he fought Dan Henderson. Dan Henderson's chin looks like it was drawn on.

Yeah, he's got an iron chin. Like somebody fucked up at a fucking tick when he's drawing it. I know, like that extra bone. Yeah. Jay Leno and him should chin off. You see that picture of Vanderlei above that with the eye all fucked up? That was him from that fight. Oh, really? Dan Henderson connected with a haymaker of a right hand and fucked up his eye. I love how this guy's smiling at that. Like, look at this

cool picture I'm about to take. But, I mean, look at Vandele's face there in comparison to his face later on in his career. Totally different. Dan Henderson looks exactly the same. Mm-hmm. He looks like the same guy. He's just an older version.

He might be one of the toughest guys that's ever lived. So tough. Yeah. Dan is just a fucking... Yeah, Vandele looked completely different. If you're up there with the tattoos on the shoulders go to that one now that's him after facial reconstruction make that larger see that's after the facial reconstruction is settled in you know oh we saw him right then and he just fought

real recent like a couple weeks ago no way he's still fighting got knocked out by rampage rampage flatlined him wow yeah rampageampage is still fighting, too. Yep. Rampage still carries that power. That was when he KO'd, Rampage KO'd him in the UFC. Him knocking him through the ring, through the ring in Pride, was one of the coolest. Yeah. I saw that later. I mean, you know, way later.

You come to the UFC and it's like all these highlights, this backlog of highlights of MMA. Like, wow. Especially after the UFC purchased Pride. Yeah. Rio was really cool. Yeah. It's a place to go. And actually that fight, in terms of the audience response, the two biggest ones were Sylvia Couture in Columbus, first time they'd ever been in Columbus, and that Rio fight.

Jose Aldo versus, that was Chad Mendes, right? Which one? The one in Brazil, wasn't it? It was a spinning back kick. Oh, that was Terry Adam versus Edson Barbosa. Dude, from fight one of the undercard, the place was so, you could feel it shaking. And I remember them chanting something in the crowd. Because Dana did smart.

It was one of the first foreign ones and he made a Brazilian fighter on every fight. He fucked up a little by having a couple times Brazilian versus Brazilian. But at every fight, and they were chanting something in the audience. You're going to die. Yeah, you were like,

you go to the translator like, hey, what are they saying? You're going to die. He's like, oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah, they didn't play games, man. Oh, my God. That's when they were like, legit, and I believed it.

Like, we got to figure out how we're going to get Chael Sonnen out of here, fights Anderson here. And I'm like, come on. And then you go there, and you're like, oh, I believe it now. Yeah. Well, they're fiercely, fiercely nationalistic. And also, that's where MMA started. I mean, really, MMA. I mean, martial arts started in the Orient.

They started in Japan and China. But in terms of, like, legitimate mixed martial arts, Vale Tudo, those no rules fights, that's all from Brazil, man. Brazil changed jiu-jitsu. I mean... You leave the airport, and there are these giant, like, jiu-jitsu guys in geese, like, looking at each other.

Like, it's part of their organization, part of their culture. Yeah, it's huge over there. And, you know, I had on Rafael Lovato, Jiu-jitsu guys and gis looking at each other. It's part of their organization, part of their culture. Yeah, it's huge over there. And I had on Rafael Lovato, who's one of the top Brazilian jiu-jitsu fighters in the world, who fights for Bellator now. And he's actually an American from Oklahoma that fights and really represents Brazilian jiu-jitsu. But he was saying that for the longest time, the Brazilians dominated the world championships. He was one of the first Americans to win a gold medal in the world championships. But for the longest time, even to this day, the Brazilians still have a disproportionate number of gold medalists.

Yeah, it's in them, right? Yep. It's a huge part of the culture. And they're so proud. So proud. That was one of the coolest places we've ever been to. I remember also when we went to um australia to sydney and uh we did do a show then and actually we did two shows it was cool but um it was in your contract first class companion ticket way before we were ever

going to go to australia for that yeah and then it was just as the ufc grew it just grandfathered in and so i remember dana coming up to me half joking and half serious, just going, do you know how much your fucking ticket cost? And I'm like, $25,000, dude. That's how much I'm paying for you to go to Australia. Yeah, those are good times. Yeah. And I was like, I almost want to be like, bro, put me in coach and give me fucking 12

of that. I could use the money. Let's split the difference, dude. I'll suffer for 14 hours for 12 grand. Shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, those are like apartments.

You have like a little apartment. Oh, it was so great. On Qantas. Yeah. Segura told me. You brought him the year before, and he was like, dude, get ready. It's going to be so good. They give you socks that I jerked off into.

It was such a fucking grand experience. Yeah, you've been to a lot of fucking UFCs live, man. I went to, let's just talk about Anderson for a little bit. Okay. Because I believe my very first UFC was at the Pearl. Yes, at the Palms. And I think it was Anderson versus Chris Lieben. Yes, it was.

Fun fight. Yeah. I guess Anderson, it might have been his first fight in the UFC. It was. Okay. And people were like, yeah, he's highly talented, but not crazy like he's the best just like he's a big i knew who he was and i was telling everybody like whatever the betting line is it's off you told me that on um on um glover to shara oh yeah you're like hey dude i don't really tell you go fucking take money on this yeah put all yeah he was like

early in the undercard that was when glover fought kyle Kingsbury. And it's just like, people don't know. And, you know, Glover... I was like, what's the line? He goes, it doesn't matter. He'll win. He got a rough deal, man, because he couldn't get a visa to fight in the UFC for a long... Couldn't get out of Brazil, right? For six fucking years.

For six years, Glover had a toil in other countries. He was one of the best ever. He was fucking phenomenal back then, man. And I think, you know, when we got him in the UFC, he was at the tail end of his greatness, honestly. I mean, I think we never really got a chance to see Glover at his very best in the UFC. It's kind of like a

Jackie Robinson. What would his stats would have been if he could have played his whole career at HRO or something like that? He's one of those guys that, I mean, I remember when he fought Sokuju. He fought Sokuju I think it was in the WEC. And the early days of the WEC when it was in Northern California. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He was Chuck Liddell's sparring partner. And it was one of the rare times that he got to fight in the U.S. And I remember watching him fight. And I would hear about him. I think Hackleman told me about him, too, because he was training with Chuck. And I was like, that guy's a motherfucker he is so good he was so solid and he was like you know training with hackleman and training with chuck liddell in the early days when you know they're just savages

man and his he had wrestling too that was one thing that a lot of brazilians didn't have they were more jiu-jitsu oriented he was a wrestler as well there was babalu babalu had a real good wrestling base too and babalu is the first guy I remember making money by leaving the UFC. He was one of the early guys to like, I'll get paid as a UFC vet. I have a name. I'll get paid a bunch off this fucking chuck fight. I'll get paid a bunch for the rest of my career until everybody started going. And then it wasn't worth that much anymore to be a former UFC guy.

Strikeforce opened up. A lot of people realized that there was like, there was a legitimate venue and they were on Showtime. Yeah. Strikeforce was on Showtime. You could get seen. Yeah. You, man, when Kimbo fought there, I mean, all of a sudden it was a big fucking deal.

That was Elite XC. Remember that? Kimbo, the chick that went on to, uh, to, uh. Gina Carano. Gina Carano. And they were like making these people. And that's actually where you've heard about Cyborg. Yep.

Yep. You know? Yep. Yeah. There was like Elite XC. Elite XC. Yeah. And then, you know, and Strikeforce.

Those were two legit venues outside the UFC that really kind of, because the UFC wasn't as big back then. Right. And then they were pretty legit. And there were more, you could get it. You didn't have to pay-per-view it. Right. You could actually just watch it.

Which is what Bellator has going for it, too. But now Bellator is on that new thing, DAZN, D-A-Z-N, do you know what that is? Well, what they're doing is they're splitting, it's like a streaming service. They're splitting half the fights, Bellator on Paramount, which used to be Spike, now it's Paramount, half the fights on this DAZN network. Paramount, which used to be Spike, now it's Paramount, half the fights on this DAZN network. But what's crazy is the DAZN network just gave Canelo Alvarez $365 million.

They just gave him this giant deal. He's a former fighter, isn't he? No, Canelo just won. Oh, okay. He just beat Triple G. Unconsidered boxing. You're out of boxing. You know what I fully left it? What?

We went to your place once, your old house. Me, you, Eddie, I don't know, maybe a couple other people. We were watching some Pride stuff that you DVR'd. Right. And it cut off the last fight because it went long. Oh, that's right. And then we watched boxing. We watched boxing.

And after watching two hours of MMA, you see a guy get knocked down and they're just like, get away, get away, let him get up. You're like, what the fuck is this? So much hugging and fucking. Yeah. Boxing sucks. It's great if you watch really good boxers and if you know you're going to go see boxing. Yeah.

Right, right, right. Like the Triple G and Canelo Alvarez fight that happened a couple of weeks ago. It was a really good fight. Yeah. It was a really good fight. I thought Triple G, well, I thought it was a real close fight, but if I was going was gonna give it to someone I think I would have given it to triple G but it was close enough where you can go okay this isn't a robbery but good fight decisions but leg kicks and and and takedowns and it just makes fighting

more interesting just way too many fucking let's see what the judges said it's not no one so nobody really won. This guy just did better. Nobody beat a guy. I mean, it happens, but just rarely. It happens less. The thing about Pacquiao Mayweather was like, he kept fighting. So what have we decided? Right, right, right.

Yeah, after 12 rounds, it could have gone 12 more. That's why I like the early UFC with Hoyce. It's like, yeah, you're going to fight me for 35 minutes. Right. And then we'll see. Eventually's like, yeah, you're going to fight me for 35 minutes. Right. And then we'll see eventually I'll fucking wear you down. Yeah. That's what Nate always says. Like, if this was a war, you'd be dead.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. When he's like, I choked you out, that means I would have kept choking you. Yeah. And then just put a fucking, you know, twisted your neck. Yeah. I mean, if someone came along today and did no time limit fights, I wonder if you had three big no time limit fights.

Yeah. Like Nate versus Connor, Jon Jones versus DC, and have just three giant fights and have no time limit. Go. Fight. That's a scary thing to go into that kind of a fight. That's a different feeling. Like what Hoist of a fight. That's a different feeling. What Hoist went into in those early days of the UFC. He took a lot of abuse just to get past guard. Eight minutes late, he's so slowly moved.

He's like, we're not in a rush. It's weird how it changes your fight plan based on this outside influence. People also have to remember Hoist fought guys that were so much bigger than him. Massive. Like Kimo. Remember when he fought Kimo? And Kimo was a giant roided up dude and was hitting him with bombs.

And Hoist was on his back and finally caught him in an armbar and then couldn't continue. He couldn't fight after that. Because he got beat up so bad. Yeah, he was supposed to fight later and he couldn't fight. He couldn't fight in the next fight.

He was just too bad. That's when they had tournaments, right? Yeah. Crazy that they could fight twice in a night. They were three times in a night. Yeah. Yeah. Look at this.

Look how young big John looks. Oh my gosh. Jesus Christ. He's not even growing facial hair. There's Kimo. Kimo was giant. I mean, he was so huge. He had Jesus tattooed on his stomach.

Look how big he is. Damn. Yeah. That was a crazy ass fight, man. man that's when I was like what is this whole sport I remember getting it my friends like yeah college dorm that's Helson Helson Gracie in the back I mean that was the clan man that was the the Gracie clan who was the Gracie that was supposed to be but they were like you're too good it'll fuck everything up Hickson but the thing about it was not just that hickson was too good but also that hickson wouldn't listen like no one could control hickson oh really like yeah because horian created the ufc and horian was the oldest brother or horian helson i don't know i'm not sure which one was damn they went right at it yeah there was no

feeling each other out 17 seconds in that fucking full-on hoist had to. I mean, he had to close the distance to get a hold of him. The door opened. He's like, wait, wait, wait. He's like, oh, fuck, this is sucky. Yeah. Ready, go. Yeah. And Kimo had his wrist taped up and not his knuckles.

It's crazy times back then. Yeah, bare knuckles. I forgot about that. Yeah, bare knuckles, stomps, soccer kicks. You could do anything back then. You can kick in the balls. You can knee in the balls. You could hold the air. Oh, yeah, right there. You could do anything back then. You can kick in the balls. You can knee in the balls. You can hold the air.

Oh, yeah, right there. That's right. Remember that guy just kept wailing in the balls like 30 times until eventually the guy was like, all right, all right, I'm out. Keith Hackney. Wow. Keith Hackney versus Joe Son. He fucking balled him out.

Joe Son who went to jail for rape, right? He went to jail for, yeah, and he murdered his cellmate. He went to jail for a gang rape. They arrested him for something else, and they did a DNA test DNA test and found out that he was a part of a gang rape Yeah, yeah, look how skinny big John John is so small. He's just John there felt looking so sexy Like a model this is 93 right? So this is a long-ass fucking time ago, man 25 yeah and hoist like headbutt see that hoists, like headbutt, see that? Hoist with the headbutt? Yeah, it's like, I got a little distance.

Headbutts, knees in the balls. He's like, please fall down so I can do what I need to do. Well, I mean, he really didn't have a wrestling background. I mean, you see how high his hips are. You know, he didn't drop down and go for a double. He was basically just clinching. Yeah, he was basically clinching and then hoping he could get the fight to the ground with a trip. And there he goes.

And then when he tripped him, Kimo wound up on top of him, which is hilarious. Look at this. Flattened out, had his back. It was terrible. Terrible position. But look, Hoist is just happy that he's on the ground. He's like, dude, keep wrestling with me. I'll fucking get you.

But look at this. Kimo is riding his back. But Kimo is maybe 80 or 90 pounds heavier than him. It's a lot to get off your back. Yeah, Hoist was like 175. And he's got that gi too. Yeah, he was 175 and Kimo was easily 250. He was a big fucking guy, man.

Look, and there's no back of the head. So he's got to protect himself with distance. And also Kimo is holding on to hoists is ghee Yeah, but now look you fucked up Tired look wide open guard and then he just didn't even try to took yeah, but he bucked him off just from sheer size Yeah, but chemo just got exhausted because when you're that big if you don't have like a real rigorous strength and conditioning program You just get fucking time. There's triangles going in you got no idea oh no arm bar but looks not that good kind of sloppy he's tired man he's carrying this fucking big guy's weight and again they didn't have strength and conditioning

back then man no one knew what the fuck they were doing this was all just definitely not a cut weight he didn't cut anyway but they didn't know shit about nutrition i mean in 93 man now you remember he got a hold of that hair. Yeah. And he got a fistful of hair and started punching him in the face. Oh, he really creates distance for the arm triangle there. Nope, he still can't get it. He got a fistful of hair.

He's not letting go. Look at this. He's, bitch, I got your hair. You're fucked up, man. You should get a haircut. Yeah, you try to be sexy. That Tong Po bullshit. But, you know, this is, we learned so much about martial arts from these fights.

Because everybody had these ideas like woodwork and wooden work. And then once they did that, it was like, oh, I have to work on my ground. And then that evolved and that evolved and evolved. I like the old logo. It just opened up jiu-jitsu schools worldwide, everywhere. And everybody wanted to be a Gracie. You know, guys were changing their name to Gracie. Guys were like marrying Gracies just to have the Gracie name. Guys would marry a female Gracie and then change their name to Gracie. You know, guys were changing their name to Gracie. Guys were like marrying Gracies just to have the Gracie name.

Guys would marry a female Gracie and then change their name to Gracie. I mean, it was crazy. It was the difference between you making a million dollars and you making nothing. Yeah. Nobody wanted to go to Fred's Jiu Jitsu. Everybody wanted to be a part of the Gracie Academy.

You know? Like, look at his guy. All that hair on the ground. What is that? Oh, it's a hair clip. That's Kimo's hair. He pulled a fistful of fucking hair off of it. He pulled it out. Yeah. What the fuck? They're both so tired.

Oh, exhausted, man. This is really interesting, actually. And this is only four minutes in. How long does this fight go? I think it went seven minutes, if I have to remember exactly. It's crazy. They're both so worn out. It looks like it's more.

What's that, Jamie? It's about to end right here. It's about to end here? 422? Oh, hey, he catches him. He keeps going for the arm bar of the triangle, and eventually he's like, I'll get one of them. Oh, right here he gets it. So it was like 428 he's catching the arm bar. So this is like first round UFC Today.

He even knows what he's going for here. Ahoyst does. No, not Ahoyst. He's like, what are you doing? I don't get it. I think he more tapped because he was exhausted than. No, Kimo. He's like, what are you doing? I don't get it. That's it. I think he more tapped because he was exhausted than anything. Like, look at him. He's exhausted. Yeah, he is. He got the armbar for sure, but, I mean, barely. But then,

Hoist was so beaten down by this fight that he couldn't go on. But Hickson would have destroyed Kimo. It would have been a completely different thing. Because Hickson was strong as fuck, man. And Hickson was there's Joe Sarn.

Hickson was a different animal. Like Hickson was much more physically imposing. He was about 190, 200 pounds. He was smaller than Kimo, but he was jacked. Look at their bodies. Look at his body. It's just like wrestler body. Yeah. Professional wrestler professional wrestler body yeah more bodybuilder than yeah yeah yeah

whereas hoist is just if you saw hoist with his shirt off you would think that guy's not even a fighter i'll wrap you up like a fucking package so back to anderson though yeah so my bookends with him are that first leave and fight and then shattering his leg, which I was in front row for, which you didn't even believe it. It didn't make sense to see a leg move like that. You're like, I don't get it.

It looked like somebody filled up a sock with pebbles and just like hit it against something. And I was like, it didn't make sense. And it was so gross.

But in the interim, seeing that first Chael Sonnen fight, when he was, I mean, he won four and a half rounds, Chael Sonnen. Yep. He almost won the title. And then to get that, I mean, it was such a legendary sports thing. Not UFC, but sports thing. How this guy's down like crazy in a title fight, a guy who's never been tested, was finally tested, and was losing.

It was over. This guy could, Chael Sonnen was beating him. He figured him out. And then to get that triangle with, what, 40 seconds left, two minutes left, whatever it was.

But I remember what's so clear and indelible in my head is afterwards, we're at the entrance, everyone's cleared out of the stadium, we're at the entrance to the under, the under the you know the caves of the of the stadium wherever it was it's me you i think dana uh randy was there and we're all talking and then every once in a while somebody's mind would go to that fight and you just see him go like yeah yeah i think the weather's

pretty nice here and then you see something go like like you couldn't believe it i remember seeing randy couture do like like what is this four minutes into the fight grabs a hold of it or four rounds in the fight grabs a hold of it sinks up the triangle and gets a triangle arm bar combination and taps him wow and this is and and Anderson came into that fight injured. Anderson had a fucked up rib entering into that fight, and a lot of people thought he should have pulled out. What kind of weird edit is this with all the blurriness? All these strange fan edits.

I mean, it was nuts. It was nuts for that guy. See how he's holding his side? And that was the first trash talk fight I ever remember, too. Oh, Chael Sonnen, people forget how good he was at talking shit he was the best the best he was the best when i come when anderson silva walks into the ring you can hear a mouse pissing on cotton when i walk in it's thunder i mean the the promos he would cut yeah were just the best that hadn't been done yet. Now it's done a lot. Well, Conor McGregor, you know, it's arguable that Chael was even better than Conor.

It is arguable, but if you take time period into account, no one was doing it. Right, he was the first. Yeah. And he was building up fights as a heel for the first time ever. And the motherfucker could fight. People forget how good Chael could fight. If you go back to really, to me, one of his most impressive victories was Nate Marquardt because he fought Nate Marquardt when Nate was one of the best and he ragdolled him. And it was a bloody, crazy,

chaotic fight. And he basically dominated him with wrestling. Chael just fought last week. He just got knocked out by fedor damn he stopped by fedor yeah and you know he had some good moments in that fight he had fedor's back he tried uh he tried to roll him over there's a move that you do you go under the chin when you have someone's back you go under the chin and then you you somersault over and try to carry with momentum, try to carry them over. But it's a core strength move. Your head and arm? Well, yeah.

He had the back, and he was kind of like riding high on the back, and he felt like he had a grip under the chin. I don't know how he held his hands. But what you do is when you have a guy's back, you hold it like this, and then you go forward so you take them forward with you. That way you have their back. When you're on your back, you could cinch up a body triangle. You could cinch up the choke, but Fedor shook him off and then beat the fuck out of him.

And then he was on the ground. Yeah, watch how he does it. So he tries to flip him over, see? Oh, fuck. But he lost control. And then boom, haymakers coming down from one of the greatest ground and pound experts of all time.

What a giant difference that was. Getting that or not getting it. Also, you know, Chael fought 185. Fedor's been heavyweight his whole life. It's like, you know, there's a lot of factors in there.

But it was a good fight for as long as it landed. As long as it lasted, rather. One of the cool things that we've gotten is the ability to hang out casually with these fighters. Like having just breakfast with Randy, seeing him, having enough times with you

that I remember one time I was going into a buffet or whatever or the hotel, free breakfast, and looking around and just having him go, hey, sit with me. I'm like, oh, okay. You're just such sought after and i'm just like i'm talking about nothing but some of my favorites were in chicago to go into the weigh-ins and then like let's go to the show and then just drunk driving with clay guido i'm like i'll drive you and just it's his city it's his city yeah and he's like come with me

we're like okay and you white knuckling holding on onto the front seat as he's swerving with a brown paper bag. He drives like he fights. And I'm just like, I accept death. So either way, it doesn't matter. And he just going for it on these highways that he knows. And then I believe the rain. And it was just like, it was just like so fun yeah another one that i remember early on early on john jones he wasn't anything then he was four

and oh maybe something like that um meeting him uh talking about shit and i could talk about this now because it's not no longer a banned substance in the ufc but like uh talking about weed yeah and was like yeah let's smoke bro he wasn't anything he wasn't anything and just going like he's like who's got weird i'm like oh rogan's got it but he's in his hotel room and texting you flip phone texting you uh back when it wasn't cool you know to have like hip to have a flip phone when it was like that's all anybody had that's how long ago right and then just going like maybe it's then maybe it was early iphone but like just going hey man uh are you up and you're like yeah i'm kind of tired i'm going

to sleep and it was like fuck john i think he doesn't want us up there and then like no no let's go he's got the weed let's go because some fan gave it to us right you had this fucking tin like tin foil of weed and uh and just knocking your door you're like what and you're like uh you were you were you were tired and it was like um do you have that weed like dude come on i want to go to sleep it's like me and john want to smoke and you're like you looked at us you opened the door fully and looked at me and this young fighter and you were like come on in and we all smoked pot together in this hotel room and fucking wherever it was i think montreal i think it was montreal yeah yeah and it's just a fun time and then seeing this guy move on to become the baddest motherfucker on the planet well we also had a

conversation with him about i was i wanted him to go to a different camp that's right he was training in fucking youtube videos in new york yeah with his buddies in a garage you're too good mike you should be in a real camp that's right we had that over weed in the hotel room he's like you really think so i go i know so i know i go you only have a certain amount of time in this thing i go and your time should be invested with a real coach who's gonna hone your skills i go you you could be an all-time great man wow yeah i remember telling him that he's like you really think so i go i know so i know so you you really got to move on i I forgot about that part of it. How influential was that in the fucking future of mixed martial arts? I hope it helped.

He did. He went to Winklejohn. Yeah. Jackson Winklejohn. Eventually. I mean, he probably might have done it anyway. He might have. Who knows?

But I think it was a good conversation to have with a young guy. I was like, listen, man, you have real talent. You could really be something. But you've got to be coached by guys who are going to find out your tendencies. Your bouncing technique isn't going to take you that far. Well, I mean, fucking he was so good. Who knows how far. He might have been a world champion even with the camp that he was in.

He's so good. And his wrestling is so powerful. And he's so physically talented. But it made a big difference for him to go to Jackson's and be able to train on a regular basis with world-class fighters. Yeah. Being there on a daily basis with Carlos Condit, who was at the top of his game back then.

That's right. I mean, Keith Jardine. They just had a massive group of killers. They had, what Tate told me, they called it the Ring of Fire, where you go five rounds of sparring to get ready for a fight with a different high-level, I mean, highest-level fighter. So like Nate Marquardt, like, cool, that was round one, get out of here. Jardine, you come in. And now I just finished a fucking round with Nate Marquardt, like cool, that was round one, get out of here. Jardine, you come in.

And now I just finished a fucking round with Nate Marquardt. Now I gotta go and keep Jardine. Cool, round three, Jardine get out, Jon Jones, you come in.

And it's like what, I mean, the training you got there at Craig Jackson's camp were like, whoa. Yeah, I mean, look, there's a reason why so many

extremely high level fighters were coming out of there. And then Rashad Evans was there as well too. And Rashad had a real problem with John coming there because Rashad was like, Hey, this guy's in my weight class. Yeah.

But what are you going to do? Have one guy each weight class. Right. It's an issue. Yeah. And then, you know, Rashad and John became friends.

They never fought. They did fight. Did they? What? Yeah. They fought and John beat the shit out of them. I don't even remember that. They fought after they had a big falling out because Rashad was upset that John wound up

getting a title shot and beat Shogun because Rashad got injured. Rashad was supposed to get the title shot. John steps in and they were friends at the time. And then somewhere along the line, then the trash talk started. I'll fight rashad fuck it and then it was like man i thought we were friends and then oh yeah that's back when it was like you know you guys can fight as friends you don't you don't have to like be at enemies with everybody fight it's it's a sport and it's a it's a money thing and then when john beat him it was

a real drubbing and it was uh five rounds it was a decision and uh it was a real clear-cut unanimous decision he did some crazy shit to him like step in elbow to the face oh yeah i kind of do remember this one now this was john when he was developing john it wasn't even john like the john that knocked out dc i remember him when he sang in fights i didn't really ever see this with the fighters where he would talk about, after wins, talking about the holes, the fuck-ups he had

more than what he did right. Whereas most guys would be braggadocious and be like, I loved it. But it was like... He was upset at things that went wrong. Yeah, I guess I got to cover that up. That could get exposed. I got to, you know...

John's a fucking smart dude. I mean, as reckless and chaotic as he is, and I've said this before, that I don't know what causes that kind of recklessness, but there is a direct correlation between traumatic brain injury, brain damage, and impulsive behavior and recklessness. It's a fact. It's well-researched. It's well-documented in neuroscience.

They know that there's a connection. I don't want to exonerate him from his past behavior, but we see that in football players. We see that in BMX riders that go crazy and fucking land on their head a bunch of times. People, they get crazy. Wow. They get wild and impulsive. It's just a fact. It's just a part of the game.

Those people that engage in any kind of an activity where your brain gets rattled on a regular basis, you are way more likely to do ridiculous things that don't make any sense. That does make sense. Yeah, it does. That's what I said about John. I even talked to John about it. You know, and, you know, I know John was upset with me after one of those things before we actually did a podcast together. He was upset.

And I said, listen, man, I have to be honest about everything. I have to be honest about how I feel about every single aspect of your performance, of your behavior. I have to be, it doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I don't think you're a great guy. You're paid to give your commentary on stuff. I have to be. You don't really choose sides. I can't, I don't think you're a great guy. You're paid to give your commentary on stuff. I have to be. You don't really choose sides.

I can't. Not only can I not choose sides, I have to call what I see. It's everything. Because if I don't, then no one's going to listen to me. Finish this because I have a comment on it. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Well, I remember finding it interesting that after Brock beat Heath Haring.

Yeah. Went to whatever steakhouse he went to, and Heath coming in afterwards, and looking right at, you said it wasn't good, you were critical of him. He sought you out, he was like, can I talk to you?

And it was like, oh fuck, he's mad, but he just wanted to express to you that he had this leg injury, and that's why he couldn't really defend that takedown. But it's interesting how the fighters, that I get to see these these fighters respect your opinion enough to want to explain their side of it. Well, I appreciate that.

And there's always a side. Like, when I was talking about that fighter that has this pretty significant injury that he's dealing with right now, like, most people don't even know. And they wouldn't have known if he didn't tell you. And there's a lot of these guys that go into fights and they're really compromised.

You know, they have hand injuries, back injuries, neck injuries. And this is just a part of this crazy sport where the whole objective is to injure people. So you're injuring each other in training. And you've got to hide those injuries because then they'll exploit them. Right. But this is one of the reasons

why I have to be honest all the time is because people they respect the fact that i'm not gonna i'm not saying things because it sounds cool i'm saying things because this is actually what i see and maybe you have a different perspective maybe you could share your perspective with me and i'll tell you why i thought this and maybe i'll change my mind and i'm not scared to change my mind. But I've got to say what I think. Yeah, and it's cool that the fighters are like, hey, just so you know, I wasn't being a pussy. I would never think Heath Herring would be a pussy.

Yeah, but they care that you know the real truth of it. And not that I was bad, but here's the reason. Yeah. It was interesting how they respect your opinion like that. Well, a guy like Brock Lesnar, man, I swear that if Brock Lesnar got into mixed martial arts right out of college, went college wrestler, right into training, really learned striking, and learned slowly, like took some small fights.

Like Jon Jones did. Yeah, yeah. But really learned striking instead of spending all that time doing WWE, which I'm sure he made a fuckload of money. Oh, well, yeah. I mean, good for him. That's all great and everything like that. But man, I think he could have been

one of the all-time greats. I really do. He was so strong. He's a freak. Nobody I remember cutting that much to heavyweight. Dude, he was giant. Yeah. But those heavyweights would weigh in with their jeans on

because they're like, whatever I am. It was also, there was no testing back then. Oh, yeah? You got to realize that the testing back then was horseshit. And the best way to show that testing was horseshit was to show when Alistair Overeem fought Brock. That was the steroid Olympics. Those two guys together inside the octagon. But that was also Brock less than a year from diverticulitis surgery where they had to remove, I think, 12 inches of his fucking colon.

Or his, well, it's not even a meat eater. I thought it was at the time. Then I talked to, of all people, Anthony Bourdain told me, no, people get diverticulitis sometimes from seeds. Like a seed will get stuck in your intestines. And rot. Yeah, well, just Things get caught and stuck. But they had to remove 12 inches of

his intestines. So they had to open him up. He was done after that. Well, he was, and then he came back. But he was done, as the Brock Lesnar that everybody feared. He says that he was compromised even before that. He said he was compromised before the Kane fight

and before a lot of his other fights, even the fight with Shane Carwin from diverticulitis. He was suffering from it for a long time, and he just thought that he was just exhausted from training, but really he was having this blockage and all this issue. Look at this. Jesus. Yeah, it was fun talking to...

That's 256 is incorrect, by the way. That's not true. 265? When he weighed, he was 265. Who was, Overeem? Overeem was. Overeem was 265 as well. Wow.

And if you look at Overeem on the scale for that fight, that's a great picture of the two of them facing down. Like, Jesus Christ, they're both so jacked. So big. And it's not like they're 610 when over is my height yeah when Overeem was was standing there flexing on the scale you're like what in the fuck is he are like right there what the fuck dude Wow he's not even like really flexing hard he's still smiling oh my god he was so jacked that he was so fucking what was anderson's friend's uh trainer's name or manager's name

the paul george oh oh um ed ed sores ed sores yeah and we were asking like about the pride days and he was like oh they tested for steroids and pride and you were like what? they tested for steroids? he goes yeah I mean they didn't do anything about it but they just they tested but they're like yeah you're both positive

go fight who cares yeah well according to Ensign Inouye not only did they not test in pride they put it in the contract we do not test for steroids

oh I thought he said they tested it and then just like we don't give a shit but we just want to know I think they test they took tests but they didn't really test you god damn those were big. Yeah, look at those bring card girl that she was so young

Which was that? Rilla He was a gorilla son Jesus Yeah, blonde here. He should he should have been a Nazi in the war He's missed his call One of the most feared Nazis there were honestly if he was fucking Nazi, I would have rooted for the other team. He was a Viking. Fuck Nazis, dude.

He would have been on one of them boats with a dragon in the front of it. By the way, I mean, underrated John Jones for a weed head. I mean, everybody gives all the credit to fucking Nate and Nick. It's fair. They've earned it. But when you would give a fucking, those breast strips, half a strip was the dose. That's right. And on the plane, he was like, hey, you got it?

One of my finest compliments was John Jones. I heard somebody else goes, hey, you know, John Jones always goes, oh, Shafir, he's always got great weed. And I'm like, hell yes. Hell fucking yes, I'll take that. I gave him a package of breast strips and he ate the whole package. Two to a pack. Half of one.

And you're like, dude, dude, dude, no. Half is the dose. He took two. And you're like, don't do that. He's like, Joe Rogan, I'll be fine. He was fine. I was so scared for him. I was paranoid because I gave Tommy Buns a half and we flew to Florida.

And he told me, he goes, dude, he goes, I swear to God, when we landed, he goes, I didn't think I was going to make it. I've had one of those with you before. I really thought I couldn't make it. I really thought there's no way I'm going to be able to survive this flight. I'm going to freak out. I'm going to have to land somewhere. I almost told the stewardess before we took off. I was close to be like, we're not doing this.

We're not doing this. We were on the runway. The only thing that stopped me from doing it is knowing the abuse I would have taken from you verbally for the next two years. That I'm like, I'd rather die. I love those days. It was so fun. I was actually, I felt bad for you a couple times in my life. Why?

One time me and Nick Yusuf were doing a corporate in Vegas. And we went to the new Aria. And we took edibles. And we walked around. And I was like, oh, Rogan's too famous in Vegas. He can't do this. He can't get this fucked up and walk around casually but but watching the fights on edibles i'm like ah it's too bad you don't get to experience this yeah you can't do that you can't i have to do commentary 100 sober i tried early in the days yeah early in the day i

did like one or two events where i was a little fucked up and i was like this is just too cloudy i want to think because i would want to talk about other shit right the fight would be going on i Early in the day, I did one or two events where I was a little fucked up, and I was like, this is just too cloudy. I want to think, because I would want to talk about other shit. Right. The fight would be going on. I want to talk about space. Like that dude who had a stingray tattoo on his back? Stingray? He just fought in his last fights.

He was on there. I think a guy who the fucking big black dude beat in the last 13 seconds. Oh, Volkov? Yeah, I think he has a stingray. I thought it was like a, oh, yeah, it is kind of a stingray. I can see you going like, what a great... Dude, stingrays are some of the most underrated sea creatures there are.

First of all, they're peaceful as shit. They haven't evolved in millions and millions of years. What a strange thing to have tattooed on your back. I wonder if he's like an ocean guy. He's really into ocean creatures. Dude, see... Oh, dude, shit. We swam with those in...

Forget where. Oh, Flores. Oh, Flores. Really those in, forget where. Oh, Flores. Flores. Really? Yeah, near where the Komodo dragons are. You fucking dive in and snorkel. You went to the Isle of Flores? Yeah.

That's where that little fucking man lived. They had that human being that they found. What do they call it? Homo floriensis, I think they call it. Yeah, it was a little tiny hobbit like person that existed i want to say as recently as 10 to 15 000 years ago there was like a three foot tall kind of human yeah there was there's been many different branches of human being right there's been neanderthal they'reo sapien. They both evolved different ways.

Yeah. There's one from Russia, Dionysus or something like that. I forget how it's like. Look at that. Oh, yeah. No, I met that guy. He ran a hostel I stayed at. Yeah. That guy was the shit. He gave you good drugs. But this little person that lived alongside human beings, see if my timeline is right. Do they have speech? They don't know, but they know they use tools. Wow. They always make sure to paint them with tools

to show you what 95,000, 70,000 years ago. Oh, that's it. 17,000 years ago. Wow. Why does it say debunked? What was that one? Hobbit human species debunked? I don't think that's correct.

It says new historian, but I'm pretty sure that's probably an old article. What's that article? When is that? 10 years ago. 10 years ago? Yeah. Was it 10 years ago? 2004. Oh, no, no. They're talking about...

I'm sorry. So it's 2014 is the article. That's fairly recently. I don't think that's the consensus. I don't think the consensus is that it's been debunked. The debunked part is about the cranial volume or something. The brain size, I guess. But not that it was a separate species. Cranial volume is calculated to be 430 milliliters, which puts it within the range of the circumference of the occipital frontal section of the skull to patients with developmental disorders in that region of the planet.

They found the measurements were indeed similar. If LB1 did have Down syndrome, then it would explain the short femurs as well. Hence, when calculated statistically for normal growth, they would yield a height of just over four feet, which matches up with some humans living on Flores. Wow. I think this is probably one of those heavily debated things. You're trying to recreate. There's a thing called island dwarfism. It's really odd because it happens to mammals, but the opposite takes place with lizards and reptiles.

They get massive. Yeah, reptiles get massive, like Komodo dragons on the island of Komodo. Those are the scariest, fun and reptiles. They get massive. Yeah, reptiles get massive, like Komodo dragons on the island of Komodo. Those are the scariest, funnest things. They're giant. They get huge. They're monitor lizards, really, essentially, that are enormous,

whereas elephants that live on islands get tiny. They have these dwarf elephants. Weird. Yeah, see that? Why? Because there's less room to have to cover? No, less resources. Oh. So they adapt to the fact there's less room to have to cover? No, less resources. Oh.

So they adapt to the fact there's less food. Look how tiny that elephant is that lives on those. I mean, it's an elephant that's shorter than you. Wow. And elephant. Six three. Yeah. That's like an elephant that's like my kid's height.

It happens with all sorts of different animals. See dwarf buffalo. Yeah. Island dwarfism. They think it's because these animals adapt to the fact that there's a limited amount of territory. Right. They don't have to cover long distances to get to something. Yeah.

It's fucking crazy what happens with animals, man. Over time. When they figure out what they need to do to survive. One of the things that I was reading about really recently was um these fuck i wish i had it off the top of my head but these uh moths that lived in a separate area an area where things were darker and they changed from a light colored moth to a black moth like really quickly really yeah like really quickly like they did it over a couple generations and they're trying to figure out how the fuck this

happened see if you find that couple generations so fast peppered moth yeah really fast like it blew them away they don't understand how it happened so quickly I think there's like there's there's so little that's truly understood about what adaptive changes can possibly happen within animals. Like, for instance, there's this documentary called Relentless Enemies, and it's all about Are you going to piss in something? I am, dude. I need you to accept it.

What are you going to use, though? Kombucha bottle. Oh, okay. Where's the bottle? Right here. Oh, sorry. Oh, I thought that was full. It's the widest mouth. Oh, okay. You know what you should do? You should get one of those ice bags that people use for definitely don't show that we'll get kicked off of YouTube there's ice bags that people use like compression ice bags yeah they have a

nice wide mouth oh that's cool I had some of them here but I don't want to give it to you god damn it didn't work don't want you pissing in it. Didn't work? You have too much piss? Too much piss. Okay, what else we got? There's nothing. The cup. Yikes. Are you topping it off?

Yeah, I'm topping it off. I'll use this. I'll use this. Why don't you just run off to the bathroom real quick and just hold on to your dick and scare Jeff? Why don't you just suck it? I don't think I want to do that. Don't piss in that cup, please. What do you got? What's that?

Another cup? A tumbler? Yeah, go ahead. Piss in that. Okay, thank you. I don't know I want to do that. Don't piss in that cup, please. What do you got? What's that? Another cup? A tumbler? Yeah, go ahead. Piss in that. Okay, thank you. I don't know what that's for. Definitely take that piss out of here, though, afterwards. You don't want to take it with me?

I'm not going to waste it. I'll sell it on eBay. I bet you could. That's the thing is I bet you could sell that piss. They're so popular now. It's like the piss that was on Joe Rogan's pipe. This is Ari Shaffir's piss. For real. On episode 247 of his family using witchcraft. This is real Jew piss

All right, give it a shake and let's get back to the okay. All right Jamie's turned his head away. He's afraid of dicks Jamie. Don't be afraid the glory undies No, I believe this might be actually actually. Yeah. Yeah, they are. How fucking comfortable are those? They're the best. They're the only, one of the only two, maybe them and Blue Apron are the only, like, no longer sponsors that I'm like, I'll still rep you guys. See, what's going on with you and sponsors? Did something happen where you said something crazy about a sponsor and they gave you a hard time? Yeah, man.

Zip Recruiter, was that what it was? Yeah, it's okay. I get it. I'm not for everybody everybody but then it's like we can't work together anymore yeah I just I can't operate under the idea

that you can tell them what to say what'd they say don't say something they said it's offensive what did you say it's I think

it was something along the lines of like if you're a human resources person and you have to hire your time can be spent better

you know doing something else you could fucking quickly hire somebody use ZipRecruiter and then spend can your time can be spent better you know doing something else you could fucking quickly hire somebody use zip code and then spend all your time masturbating in your office you can bring in like a ziploc bag and keep putting like used socks in there that you masturbate into i don't know i'm just going off off the top of my head trying to be funny it's pretty reasonable it's a three minute read on a one minute buy yeah and then like it's offensive like that's fine all right but i can't be thinking about it i refuse to let myself think about so i'll just give up the money yeah yeah i've had some people

get pissed at me yeah and it's fair on their part i get it i don't agree but i get it that's your that's your right some of them are pissed at just language yeah exactly but i'm like that's not the way i'm gonna do it so like we're done but that's such a foolhardy way of looking i believe that too i believe a good sponsor read that one i did with segura for satva beds where i was like him getting pegged in the ass by christine uh christina and uh and he's fucking bleeding out of his ass but his knees are oh so soft on the satva mattress it's like dude they get mad they got super mad they're gonna go back in and edit and take it down which i'm like now you're giving me more work to not pay me?

They said take it down? Yeah, so I had to go re-edit. Why do they have the right to say take it down? Because they're like, come on, we're a family company. I'm like, but my listeners aren't family. Why are you advertising on the Ari Shafir Skeptic Tech if you're a family company? Exactly. And I'm like, guys, I can give you gold once in a while if you let me be fully free.

I can give you something that got passed around. Well, I remember Berg, NatureBox pissed at him. He goes, it's fucking healthy. Hey, hey, have a fucking apple. Yeah. You want to eat healthy? Well, that goes against like, I won't shit on the actual product. He couldn't help it.

Yeah. They gave him the copy and it's like the healthiest snacks ever. He doesn't pre-read it. He just reads it, and as it strikes bullshit with him, he's like, nah, I know, we're done. Well, there are some irrefutable sponsors. For me, Squarespace, irrefutable, awesome product. But Squarespace always let me go do whatever I want. Whatever the fuck they want.

If I started saying, I wear MeUndies, they're super comfortable. Also, when you have that last bit of cum on your dick, it'll soak them up perfectly. They'd be like, whatever. They don't care. You're talking about MeUndies,

right? Yeah. They're not saying, how dare you? I'd be like, hey, get the dark ones. They cover up the fucking blood

that comes out of your ass really well. They'd be like, oh, you're not shitting on the product. You're not saying it's uncomfortable, so go ahead.

Yeah, it's those super corporate guys. The ones that, Zip Recruiter, that kind of shit. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. saying it's uncomfortable so go ahead yeah it's those super corporate guys the ones that zip recruiter that kind of shit yeah yeah i guess and it's like it's fine it's just yeah i make money by continuously focusing on free speech and i'll lose money in some spots and makes money in other spots and this is all just part of it yeah you can't really think about it like only looking to make money every time make more because that universal growth paradigm,

you know, that's only for corporations. And then I'm going to be doing straight ad reads and my listeners are going to get bored as fuck and I'm going to lose listeners so then I'll be able to make less money off ads in the long run because of that.

More ads, less money as opposed to like fewer ads, more money. It's like... Well, not only that, it's like how much time do we really have left? Yeah, exactly. If we, if both of us live another 45 years, it would be fucking amazing.

That's 45 seasons of Sober Octobers. You know? That would be amazing if we got through 45. This is the last Sober October. Are you done? I shouldn't have gotten roped into this one. Are you done because of the contest, or are you done because of the sobriety aspect? Can we do it in January?

Why January? So October is the best drinking month in New York. We could definitely do it in January, but New Year's Eve. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or February. It's my birthday. You have to start January 2nd. Yeah.

Because technically after midnight, you'd still be fucked up and you would violate it. November. I wouldn't mind November. Yeah. No booze November. No booze November. What about Thanksgiving? You have a little turkey. You want a nice glass of wine.

Honestly, though, Thanksgiving, the memories you have of Thanksgiving, childhood, they're not alcohol-based. No? Not really. You might want some, but what you really want is if you said no stuffing, you'd be like, hold on, that's part of it. But no alcohol on Thanksgiving. That's not a big deal. What about March? March is okay.

More sober March. Sure. That's okay, too. March is a bullshit month. The fuck goes on in March? March is a bullshit month. March madness. St. Patrick's Day.

St. Patrick's Day is March? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah, but I'm not Irish. I mean, I'm barely Irish. Yeah. Like a quarter Irish. Spring break also happens. Spring break. Well, if you were in high school, it could be a big deal. You mean, I'm barely Irish. Yeah. Like a quarter Irish. Spring break also.

Spring break. Well, if you're in high school, it could be a big deal. You have family. You got to go. Whatever. There's always a reason. But October's a wonderful month. All the NYU kids have calmed down and gone to classes.

So you can actually, the city's back to yours again. It's amazing. And it's like, it's fucking hard. I pass by bars. I'm like, I want to fucking go. I want to go with Jay. And be like, let's go to a fucking neighborhood bar. It's fucking awful. A pass by bars. I'm like, I want to fucking go. I want to go with Jay. And be like, let's go to a fucking neighborhood bar. It's fucking awful. A couple days away, buddy.

We're only... We have 10 days left. Now what's really important is that we beat Burt. For sure. I don't care if you win. I don't care if Tom wins. As long as Burt loses. As long as Burt loses.

Can I tell you... Can we talk about drugs at the UFC for a little bit? Sure. So with Diaz always bringing the breast strips, there'd be this time where it wouldn't kick in. It wouldn't kick in. You'd look over. You'd be like, feeling it? You'd be like, ah, maybe, sort of.

Or one of those Jolly Ranchers that they'd have. I remember having a side effect. I remember eating a Jolly Rancher before the fight started because I would get in so early with you. And just kind of sucking on it like this. And some other guy, nobody knew me back then, and was like, dude, I think somebody's smoking weed. I'm like, yeah, must be coming from somewhere, huh? You smell the weed from the Jolly Ranchers.

Yeah, and nobody could comprehend back then that it could be coming from your Jolly Ranchers, only from Smokable. This is like 2003. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And then you look over, you're feeling it, sort of,

and then you look over again, and Dia sort of and then you look over again and Diaz is just like in a trance and you realize you are too and you both look and Diaz goes and you know he brought the devil in you and it was just fucking great and that's

I mean I've talked about this on This Is Not Happening stories where it's like you don't even know who's winning fights you just know you're enjoying watching them you guys did acid at one of the UFC events back when we were sitting with Kilstein and we didn't tell him where it's like you don't even know who's winning fights. You just know you're enjoying watching them. You guys did acid at one of the UFC events.

Back when we were sitting with Kilstein and we didn't tell him. Red Band knew. And just doing acid. I remember how into it you were. That part of me is you never quite know how people are going to react to things until you really know them. And it could have gone like,

dude, this is my place of work. You can't, you know. Just a small part of you thinks maybe. But then you're texting us. Whoa, you're into the fights. Where are you guys? Where are you guys sitting? It wasn't one of those we got bottom floor.

We were in the fucking stands for that one. And you kept looking at us until you found us. And you were like, your hands are like, you're doing acid. This is so great. Oh, man, I've never seen stuff so clearly. I remember Forrest Griffin coming in with Shipping Up to Boston playing, and everyone cheering, and I was like, this is the Coliseum. We're watching what it was like in the Coliseum for people fighting lions.

Yeah. This is it. Everyone's cheering for blood. How are we different than the Romans? Pretty fucking similar in a lot of ways. Yeah. Just a modern, more acceptable version of it. Oh, that acid at the UFC was so fucking good.

It was great. you didn't want any food red bank sort of took care of you a little bit he was like i'll have some of the fucking andy dolores cookies yeah we've done i mean i went to a bunch of events outside of the ufc where we got really fucked up on edible went to that one in uh at the playboy mansion yeah strike force yeah we got we got fucked on those blasted in that one at the Playboy Mansion. Yeah, Strike Force. Yeah, we got fucked on those. We got blasted in that one. Yeah, that was fun. But I missed out on a lot of that. You guys sitting there in the audience had a lot more fun than me.

Six hours of fucking greatness. So you take them early, and by the very end, it's like you're just coming down and up, so let's go eat these steaks. Joe Rogan's buying again. Let's go. There was one in Calgary where it fell on Shroomfest, and it was with Duncan.

And I was like, hey, I got us mushrooms. And he goes, oh, I don't want to take mushrooms right now. And I was like, okay, I'll just throw them out. I'll get the mushrooms I had for you, and I'll throw them out. I'll step on them on the ground and throw them out. He goes, alright, relax. I'll take the mushrooms. And man,

it was so fun there because like, you would take them, you get bored, there's some wrestling fight, you know, where it's like they're trying to outpoint each other

and you're like, let's go wander. And you just go wander, you go get a hot dog. We put them into a Maynard's, which is like Jolly Rancher, like gummy, whatever. We'd stick them in there

so you could reach for either a Maynard or you reach in there and you feel something crunchy like a stick and you're like, okay, I'm going for that. We'd stick them in there. So you could reach for either a Maynard or you reach in there and you feel something crunchy like a stick. And you're like, okay, I'm going for that. We just keep eating these mushrooms. Some random dudes were like, hey, you want to come fucking to our skybox?

And so we went into some skybox for a while. And so we got kicked out by security. And that was fun. Like, nice guys, you were great. Fucking giant pupils. I saw a fucking security guard in Calgary as we were going in and already tripping and trying to smuggle these mushrooms

in there. And this guy goes, hey man, happy Shroomfest. And I was like, okay, you're being cool about it. Like, you know about it and you're letting me go. Thank you very much, security officer. This was like a cop. One of those that they hire there. Calgary was fun. Calgary's

great. Great city. Yeah, doing that, doing the edibles. I remember Alex Jones being there once and Diaz giving him a cookie. He goes, hey, this cookie. And Alex Jones was like, what's in the cookie? And Diaz was like, eat the fucking cookie! What kind of stupid question is that? You know what's in there.

We went to eat with him afterwards. He was barbecued. He was so much more reasonable back then. He was a different guy. I never understood how they made him from crazy conspiracy theorist to alt-rightist. I didn't get the connection there. Well, that connection happened when he became united with, like, Alex Jones became united with Donald Trump, right? Because he was a big part of Donald Trump in the campaign days. In what way?

Donald Trump would call in. He would call in to Infowars. And he knew that Alex Jones had a big base and Alex Jones would help him get elected. You know, Donald Trump is very clever in who he aligns himself with. Like when you see him standing there listening to Kanye West, where Kanye West is ranting and saying all this crazy fucking schizo nonsense and he's like this hmm

that's a smart cookie like he's very smart in when he calls bullshit and when he doesn't call bullshit you know what I'm saying he chooses to call bullshit yeah it's like imagine if Kanye West

was debating him and they were doing a presidential debate and Kanye was talking like that he'd be like what the fuck is this guy saying exactly

what are you saying I think you've given up for me, so I'll let you talk. Yeah. He's, you know, he's aligning himself with a super popular guy. I just don't get how Alex Jones went to that, though. Besides that. So that's what it was? Because he would have them all in a bunch?

Well, you know, also, alt-right wasn't a thing back then. You've got to realize when Alex came with us to the fights, there was no alt-right. But he was more like lizard people or like, oh, it's a fucking government conspiracy. Yeah, he was all about. Don't get him started on 9-11. Yeah, he was all about certain conspiracies. I remember we were in Austin once when there was a shooting at an army base. We were there right with him when the thing happened.

We were at a bar. Remember that? And he goes, I guarantee you they're not taking that guy alive. I guarantee they won't let him talk. And then an hour later, they got him alive. They shot him in the leg and they got him alive. He goes, yeah, of course they got him alive because they want him to be a fucking martyr for this thing. Or whatever.

They don't want him to be a martyr, right? Yeah, and it's like, no matter what, I'm spinning this to conspiracy. That business is a tricky business, man. I just don't get how they said, now, you got to be off the air now. It's like. Well, that's where it's fucked up. Just a lizard person guy. Well, it's not though, because like people were concerned that you're giving out bad

information. Right. And they're concerned about it. But then with Alex, what came out was the Sandy Hook thing. The Sandy Hook denial thing was when. Again, conspiracy. I don't get why that's. Right. The Sandy Hook denial thing. Again, conspiracy. I don't get why that's... Right, but it was a conspiracy involving children being murdered and their parents being actors

and that everyone was some sort of a crisis actor and they were hired by the government to take away people's guns. This is the most radical version of conspiracy. Sure, I understand. And I understand that's wrong and crazy. Where do you get from there to you can't be allowed to say these crazy – you've been saying these made-up things before. Right.

You're saying it still. I don't get why it's a hate monger. You've got a really good argument, but here's the argument. The argument is what is Facebook? What is Twitter? What is YouTube? Are they private companies? Or are they the media?

Most certainly, or even more so, are they utilities? Is it like the electricity? Is it like a phone? Should you be allowed to tell someone they can't use it? I wonder if Jack said, hey, I'm shutting down Twitter at the government. It's like, we're opening it back up again. Right. Or is it like NBC? Because if NBC is a private company and Ari Shaffir says, hey, the lizard people are eating kids and that's who runs 60 Minutes and they say, no, no, no, Ari, you're fired. Look, Roseanne made one

fucking bad Ambien joke and they canceled her and they kicked her off of the Roseanne show. They weren't. They weren't. That's not true. Why do you say that? The show was a huge hit. Because of the outrage over the first season

when she was like, she supports Trump. Yeah, but the show was a giant hit. But they were looking to get rid of her. This whole group was already saying,

we want you out, we're looking for an excuse. Kind of like when they got rid of you at the comedy store over filming when it was like, come on,

they already wanted to get rid of you. Well... And then they found an excuse to get it done. That's a tricky argument. They wanted her out so bad. I don't think they wanted her out. I think they wanted to minimize her.

The left hated her. That's true. But she was telling me how they were changing the way they were writing things and they weren't including her in the process where she was very much included in the process during the first season when they were writing for the second season they were they were basically excluding her from the process of premises and the way they were writing the show i mean i read i read all the outrage about early on it's like you're a trump supporter and i read i i saw uh someone like Sonny, some young female comedian going like, when Silverman was like, hey, watch my friend's show, Roseanne.

She's great. Great show. And she goes, oh, this is the bitch I got to be fake with at a party and kiss her on the cheek, pretend I'm cool with her. And it's like, what is all this outrage over this pro-Trump thing? And I finally, I'm like, let me go watch it. And my friend, Jewish female leftist, Morgan Murphy, who wrote it, I talked to her later about it, but I finally watched it and it's just 12 characters in the show.

10 of them don't talk about who they voted for at all. One of them is pro-Trump, one of them is anti-Trump. There's also a little trans kid on there. And that's it. Just one pro-Trump, one anti-Trump. And the outrage that I saw was almost like, I don't think you guys could have possibly watched this episode i think you're all reading headlines about stories and that's what i

talked to morgan about i'm like it doesn't seem like it could have come from the actual facts yeah there's a lot of that going on right yeah and so i feel like it's the same thing with alex jones i'm getting hate monger. I'm like, what? Alex Jones? Just crazy conspiracy guy. Most of it. Yeah. Where's hate monger?

Well, yeah. Did he talk about taking away trans rights or anything like that? There was some talk. There was some talk Alex Jones was saying. And one of the last final straws, it was talking about people taking up arms and that people are not going to stand it and you know it's it's basically rabble rousing which is like a lot of what people do when they're they're talking about the other side trying to take away your rights yeah trying to take away your guns we're not going to stand for it you know you know and people are going to get shot you know that kind of talk i mean i don't know specifically what he said, but there's a problem that you don't know specifically.

There's a problem that they can just decide that you represent a certain faction of thought. And that this should be eliminated from, you should be deplatformed. Deplatformed for a conspiracy guy. And they go, people are going up to those parents and saying, like, your kid's not dead. That's a real issue. Yeah, but it's like, he's not calling for that. That's what they're doing on their own. Somebody shot two cops in New York because of the Black Lives Matter movement.

You don't shut down the Black Lives Matter movement over that. They weren't asking for them to shoot cops. Someone did that on their own. He wasn't asking for them to do that. No, he wasn't. So, like, I don't see how you de-platform. The only great article I've read was by a trans woman who said, when I hear crazy shit like that, I feel like you're supposed to roll your eyes and then walk away. You don't say, hey, you need to get gone.

Well, you know. De-platforming people. That's a good way to put it. That is what they're saying. And it's also, it seemed like it was a universal de-atforming because Twitter was one of the last places that kept him on. And then they decided that they were going to remove him. But I didn't see anything specifically. Yeah.

They have some rules. Like when they got – who's the woman? Rose McGowan. And then she was talking about a rape. And people are like, how dare you? She outed a rape. And then you deplatformed her from that or you took her down from that. And then that was the story. That was the headline. about a rape and people like how dare you she she she outed a rape and then and then uh you deplatformed her from that or you just took her down from that um and then that was the story that

was a headline everyone's like how dare you jack is that the guy from twitter jack dorsey yeah how dare you and then he actually responded goes oh no she docked somebody she gave somebody's information about where they live and stuff like that and that's we already had that rule you can't do that nothing to do with why she doxed him. It was just over that. Why don't you Google what exactly got Alex Jones kicked off Twitter? Because Twitter was one of the last platforms. And then they can say hate speech. And hate speech is one of those weird broad terms.

It's like, I hate you. Yeah. Okay. broad terms it's like i hate you yeah okay i mean i i really am like i i don't i think people are forgetting how the aclu defended the clan members because the free speech is too big a a fucking issue to worry about how i feel about what they're saying well you know what's really interesting is that left-leaning people the left, are the ones that want to censor and deplatform and silence people on the right. It is. It's also both.

I think we see the left more because we're in that bubble. I think the right is doing it, too. We're not friends with them. How are the white doing it? They have no power in technology. The tech companies, whether it's Facebook, Google, Twitter, they're all left. Yeah. And they're the ones who have the – I mean, this is where it's weird, right?

It's because nobody saw this coming. It was media. Like you had Fox News, you had NBC, you had your left and you had your right. More left than right, of sure. But there was power in the Fox News faction. They had their voice. But when it comes to technology, there's not really an equivalent or commensurate company. It's all left.

It's all left. There's not one right-leaning, large social media platform. They don't exist. It should just stay out of it. But I get why you get a Reddit situation where it's like, okay, but suddenly it devolved into just child porn. Well, Reddit, the problem with Reddit is anonymity. When you give people anonymity, and one guy actually lost his job because of it, because somebody decided, hey, this guy's such a fucking creep piece of shit.

Let's find out who the fuck he is. And they got his IP, and then they figured out who he was. And then he was like some guy who was a dad. Right. He was like some regular guy with a job. And they got him fired. He was like some regular guy with a job. They got him fired.

He had a bunch of weird kid fucking type posts and a bunch of shit that just people thought. But some of it's just like, it's almost like role playing. Exactly. Where it's like, you're not serious. Exactly. And it's all said under the- I saw Holtzman ask people running out of the room yesterday or two days ago. He got a full room randomly at the end of the night. Yeah, he spent his first three minutes like like

oh yeah there's too many people i don't know what to do i never get in front of this many people like he couldn't handle it and then he starts going they start leaving and he starts getting angry and more into his pocket you know into where he belongs and then as people are leaving like he's talking about child fucking and stuff like that and uh and um he goes hey guys uh peek behind the curtain i didn't fuck a baby. Just so you know, there were no babies fucked. So calm down. Well, people don't want to hear about that subject.

And that's fair. Yeah. They come to the comedy store to hear some wonderful jokes about people losing socks in the dryer. Right. So actually, honestly, walking out is a fine response. Yeah. Saying he can't go up anymore is not a fine response. It's a different response. Yeah. And saying you're going up anymore is not a fine response. It's a different response.

Yeah. And saying you're going to boycott the comedy store because they don't do your kind of comedy. And if you want to boycott them, that's also okay. But she's trying to get other people to. All right. But this is a problem in that there's no balance, right? If people are just right-leaning and people want to de-platform them because they have right-leaning beliefs right-leaning ideas like say if they support president trump i mean he is the

president whether you like it it's like you're allowed to vote for whom you want whether you like it or not that guy's the president and whether you like his policies or not they are his policies he's the president of the united states and if someone supports that de-platforming people who support him or support that is not the right response the right response is a well-worded argument against that that is against that that is convincingly articulate to the point where you you make an argument that this is a terrible policy, a terrible idea, and an objective fence rider like myself that watches that and reads it might go, okay, this guy's got a good point on the left. I want to hear both sides, but I need to hear that side in order to hear the alternative side.

Like Dave Smith, who hates all politicians pretty much, he was pointing out these like separating their kids from their parents thing. And he's like, it's gotten real bad with Trump now. And he goes, okay, that's true. But look at the picture they're using on the bottom right hand corner there's a date stamp on it and it's 2014 yeah there's definitely a lot of shenanigans so like your anger is not even who so i i can't even bring that up that's just shit journalism that's what that is and and online journalism look journalists are fucking fighting for their lives right now they're bad

their state of journalism is terrible. It's terrible. And it's also, there's no money in it. The problem is nobody wants to buy newspapers. Nobody wants to buy magazines. And it's really hard for online journalism to not resort to clickbait. Anger shit. Yeah. I mean, that's literally how they make their living now is clickbait shit.

And so, you know, they have a photo. This is with the stock photo. We got a little fucking kid who's crying and he's standing in front of a Border Patrol guy. Throw it up. Use it. This is what we got. The story's real. The photo's not.

It's shit journalism. I think it really comes down to when you see a Norm Macdonald where he's like, okay, I haven't done anything to anybody wrong. I just want to look with compassion on another human. I'm like, these are friends of mine, the people I know. Be specific what you're saying about Norm Macdonald. Well, he said like Roseanne and Louis and like they've lost everything in a day and people don't really understand what it's like. Right. And I would like to see these friends, human beings, friends of mine come out with the way.

And he goes, honestly, I don't think Roseanne knew that lady was black. I don't think she makes that comment. And then people go, fuck you. Your tonight show appearance is canceled. And it's like why you even do anything me norma don't do anything instead of taking that opportunity to go hey let's hear him out maybe you can clarify what you mean right um even say no i didn't mean it that way they de-platformed they de-platformed because these women or people i don't really know who they were at the tonight show had their opportunity to fall on their sword.

And they go, now we get to stand up for women's rights. We get to stand up for racial rights. Well, the way to stand up for it is to debate them. Exactly. Have them on and say, have Jimmy Fallon go, what did you mean by that exactly? And then to clarify his position to now show, oh, I'm on your side. But people don't want that. They're more interested in punishment.

Yes. And so now you're punishing people who are on your side So you can feel right at the Comedy Cellar a waitress was traveling to fucking work wearing her Comedy Cellar t-shirt after Louie came back And somebody said hey headphones take your headphones out. She did she's what and they go shame on you To some waitress who by the way is not in charge of him coming back She might have asked a guy or girl said shame on you Don't know I think a woman not sure but this waitress might have not in charge of him coming back. Was it a guy or a girl that said shame on you? Don't know. I think a woman.

Not sure. But this waitress might have been heavily against him coming back. But there's no research done. It's just like, I get my chance to show that I've stuck up for somebody. Instead of ruining some other woman's day who might be on your side. Yeah, well, this is one of the things that- They stuck a finger in Val's face after he came back. Fuck you.

After they were leaving. Who's Val? Val's one of the managers of the cellar. And it's like, so here's a fellow woman who hasn't done anything wrong. Right. And you're cursing her out so you can feel like I've done something for the cause. Yeah. Well, this is something that the left does that the right doesn't do.

The left attacks its own. Yeah. And they attack its own. They attacked Tina Fey once. Said you're anti-feminist. And she was like, you're out of your fucking mind. About what? Five, six years ago.

I don't remember. And she goes, you're out of your mind. I'm your leader. I'm on your side. You're attacking me for being anti-feminist. You're out of your fucking mind. They eat their own. They have bloodlust.

They don't know how to control it. You're not trained in fucking fighting. Well, they're always looking for targets. They're always looking for targets. And in finding and establishing a target, you clearly established that you're better and more virtuous than that person because you find a fence in something that they do they're not progressive enough and they're a part of the problem and so you cast them out or you shut them down or you de-platform them yeah so i think with alex jones they go they pointed to that one a lot they're like dude he said

fucking sandy hook didn't happen. And it's like, okay, I'm not saying, you try to now, I guess, strawman me into saying, I'm saying that's okay or that's right. I'm not saying that's right. I just don't see the connection to this. I don't see the connection to Michael Vick killing dogs,

which I'm not on the side of, to you shouldn't play football. You haven't made that connection to me. And you're like, oh, you're saying it's okay to kill dogs? Like, no. Just why is that job not allowed to do the connection would be if you have a private company this is where it all boils down to like do you have a right to use their platform so you're not taking alex jones off the internet right alex jones still has his website on the internet. But if you have, if AriShafir.com

all of a sudden becomes Twitter. Okay. There's a separate thing though. Private company, are they allowed? And private company, should you be doing that? Should you be doing that? And it's like, what the laws are. I agree with only a portion of the laws. Do you think that this is in response to the type of shit that

has happened at Reddit? That Reddit has gotten so fucking out there in so many different ways and so like the the especially the trump section of reddit yeah like people let them be there they're not doing anything to anybody they're not planning attacks but people who if you say if you own that company and you were one of the people that was responsible for trying to sell ads for twitter or for whatever i don't think twitter has ads but if you had like established guidelines which you could and couldn't say one of those things would probably be no hate speech no racism no this no that but you can't promote false conspiracy theories that hurt other people right you you

could get away with saying that right so it's not about so it's kind of like the the the rose mcgowan thing where it's like oh no it's not about you just can't talk to anybody what is this jamie this is from a npr interview with uh washington post reporter about all right let's read this it says and when i spoke to somebody at Twitter, they said one thing that weighed very heavily on them was the way that Jones conducted himself outside of a congressional hearing where Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was testifying about the way the company moderates content online.

Jones essentially went after Republican Senator Marco Rubio, interrupted one of his press conferences. He yelled at Dorsey at one point as he was trying to leave the building. And then he live streamed the incident where he was attacking a CNN reporter, hurling verbal insults at him. The video was broadcast on Periscope, which is the live streaming site owned by Twitter. And so in the minds of the company, it essentially was too much. He had gone too far.

And so they kicked him off the site. Yeah. I mean, I guess if you're talking about your right, it's like, sure, I guess it's their right. But I disagree with them doing it. I would like a world where you're like, we don't, unless it's physical harm to someone, possibly monetary, like direct monetary harm, like I'm stealing from you. It infringes on your rights. Then do what you want. Say what you want. Right. It doesn't infringe on your rights, then do what you want. Say what you want.

Right. It doesn't infringe on your rights, then keep going. Well, the problem becomes who's to decide what is hate speech. Exactly. Who's to decide? We don't decide that. And who's to decide? It's saying retard in a Tom Segura special, hate speech.

Right. It's such a slippery slope that the only way to do it is if you infringe on someone's right, you've gone too far. If you haven't, you have not. It's yelling fire in a crowded theater. Yeah. It's free speech until someone is getting hurt from this, or it's very possible they will. You can see why they would. It might hurt their feelings.

It might make it harder for them to be a kid in this world world if you say it's like no yeah no i agree but i also agree that if you're nbc or abc or cbs and someone says things that you feel violate your company's policies right so if someone promotes some outlandish conspiracy theory about children that get shot in parkland, really never died, and their parents are all crisis actors paid by the CIA to psyop, and this person is on CBS, you could fire them. Okay, sure. Now, here's the question. But let me finish here.

So is Twitter like CBS? Because they're both private companies. So is Twitter like CBS? Because they're both private companies. And are the people who are on broadcasting on Periscope and on YouTube, are they essentially someone who is, I mean, are you working with or for YouTube if you're broadcasting on YouTube? I mean, how do you look at it? Yeah, I don't think so. I think it's a private thing. And I think if you're making a video

on how to make a bomb, I think the authorities should get in there. Right. So you can't do that. But what if you're making a video about how there's some people out there that are lying about their children being shot? Same thing.

Get the authorities in if you think it's leading to harm. But it's not the company to do it. So you don't think you should be allowed, if you're YouTube, you don't think you should be allowed, if you're YouTube, you don't think you should be allowed to tell someone, hey, you say a bunch of shit that's not true and it hurts people.

What's the word hurt mean? Well, okay, if your children were murdered and there's some guy screaming on YouTube that you're a crisis actor and nothing ever happened to your kid and your kid's, it's a lie and there's rubber kids on the ground with fake blood and they can prove it with a hologram. You shouldn't be able to remove them from your platform.

Do you remember, what's his name? And by the way, I'm not arguing one way or the other. But this is important for people online to understand. Do you remember the Kansas pastor? What's his name? He died. Kansas pastor. We talked on the radio once, What's his name? He died. Kansas pastor.

We talked on the radio once that Baptist Church, something Baptist Church. And he would go to funerals of... Oh, Phelps. Yeah. Yeah. And he would go there and say, the reason your son died

is because gays are around. Yeah. And he ruined people's funerals of a child who died. And by the way... Godhatesfags.com. Yeah. And these weren't gay soldiers.

It was just soldiers. Right. It's horrible. And then other people had to do things like create a blockade around their cars and say, give us tickets. We'll eventually move, but the funeral will be over. Yeah, man. That's sucky behavior. You can't stop them from doing it.

Okay. You can't stop it in terms of public discourse. Yeah. So go to CBS and say that and say, well, we can take you down because you've said things that are totally untrue. What about the guy who gets caught smoking weed in Alabama? Could you fire him for that? Yeah, but that's a different thing. Well, it goes against what we think is okay.

Yeah, that's a slippery slope. I mean, if you're saying, are you allowed legally? Yes, of course. But morally, no. I think you're a fucking platform for speech. So let all the speech in. And 4chan got written up as this fucking hateful place where really they're just trolls. And they know one of the best ways to troll is using Donald Trump.

Well, you know, there was a really interesting case with 4chan that I found preposterous where they trolled Shia LaBeouf. Oh, yeah. Because Shia LaBeouf. You know, they took down that podcast. Yes. We talked about it. It was great. It was great.

It was great. It was hilarious. And people go, how dare you promote 4chan? They're a hate group. And you're like, you didn't listen. Yeah, you didn't listen at all. We've just said that they're not a hate group. Yeah.

And you're like, fuck you. I don't like that interpretation. Fuck you, Norm MacDonald. I like the interpretation. She did know that lady was black. Okay, you went real far with that. So they're saying, fuck you. I don't like that interpretation. Fuck you, Norm MacDonald. I like the interpretation. She did know that lady was black. Okay, you went real far with that. So they're saying, fuck you. You can't say Roseanne wasn't racist.

He's not saying racism's okay. He goes, Norm is saying, I don't think she knew that lady was black. I agree with you. 4chan is not saying, pro-Trump, fuck all of you. 4chan is saying, this will fuck with you. Let's fuck with you. Well, they're saying fuck Shia LaBeouf because he's a goof. And they decided to use science.

And they literally, they studied the stars in the sky above the flag. Oh, it was amazing. Amazing trolls. They had someone drive around and beep their horn so they could triangulate the area where this was taking place. See where the airplanes were going overhead? Took the fucking flag down and went, fuck Shia LaBeouf. In a day. They found it somewhere in the world.

And the podcast was great. And there was no hate involved. It had nothing to do with political ideology. It had nothing to do with racism and nothing to do with hate. And people were saying, oh, you're supporting 4chan. You know, 4chan supports Hitler. No, listen, 4chan is just a bunch of people and it's like yeah they've just said in that podcast that 4chan does not support hitler yeah they go trump will fuck with people let's align that with

some fucking weird frog for no reason it makes no sense right and that's now explained to me where that frog thing came from and i'm like oh you just pulled a random thing out well most of that frog thing was it was fun yeah and there was a few instances of that frog which were racist or kkk versions or nazi versions and then people decided that whole frog sure racist but the swastikas used all over indonesia as a good luck sign different different case the vast majority of the use of that frog was not racist the vast majority was feels bad man yeah it was silly trolling it was just being silly yeah yeah and then there was like you can't like you can't let people co-opt a frog you know and npr i think

it was npr uh podcast it might have been i'm not sure what the company was they were like yeah we'll take it down you can still have it it's still on like youtube radio lab radio lab okay yeah and they're like sorry about that we'll take it down. Is this still on YouTube? I just heard it after it was taken down. I downloaded it, and then when I went to send people to it, I found out on the show, on the podcast, that it had been taken down. And I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I think the iTunes version is down,

but you can still get it at other places. But for them to apologize is me saying, okay, you're weak, you're allowed to take that down. But for someone else to come in and say, you can't make podcasts anymore right is like really dangerous good point and that could have happened from that if someone had said no we're not going to take it down so radio lab is now a hate monger right exactly their support they support 4chan 4chan supports hitler radio lab supports hitler yeah i mean this is this is

a circular logic yeah so the only answer is you have to have a strong line unless it's causing direct physical damage to someone you that's everything's allowed well what they they're the internet's a horrible place it's a great place too though they should have never fucking taken that down nope they should have been like you guys are wrong you need to listen to it and it made me laugh so hard how hard they trolled him how they got together in a trolling as i troll and they use science oh my god it was logic these things these are smart fucking people that figured out where that flag was i mean it's hilarious it was such a good podcast but meanwhile by the way me talking about it on on people like i can't believe you don't get it

you know you you're fucking you always have all these white supremacists on are you all right are you this i mean every day people will tweet at me with stupid shit like that and that one podcast me saying how great that podcast was in particular people saying what the fuck is wrong with joe rogan you know i used to think he was a good guy now i think he's a white supremacist he's a fucking racist he's a kkk person yeah i guess it's so stupid one of my favorite books maybe my favorite i don't like to use that word favorite but like the fountainhead it's ayn rand and people go like oh she's a socialist just so you know you know she took fucking social security in her old age she never did and i'm like okay okay and i used to shit on it and i ran all the time myself and

then i realized i've actually never read a book read the fountainhead and it changed my life like not even a little bit. It's a direction of my career, my stand-up career. It freed me as an artist. How so? You've got to read it, bro. But it's all about how- I read a chapter of it like 15 years ago.

It took me a year and a half to read. Yeah. Every chapter, I'd sit down, I'd think about it for two weeks, what I read. And Jordan Peterson talks about her as a philosopher. He doesn't like her. As a novelist, he he's like she's great what about it made you feel it shows you a true artist and it shows you a jobber

a jobber like pro wrestling style sort of somebody's just like doing it for the money as opposed to a pure like Abby Martin Abby Harris what's her name? which one? the journalist Abby Martin she's like oh I don't want to just take money for reporting.

I want to actually real report now. Yes. So she's kind of a true artist, at least in that moment. And none of us can be a fully true artist. And none of us are really just full jobbers. We all have a little bit of artistic taste. Even the jobbers have the fucking little bit of like, I want to do something interesting. You know?

And the full artist, it's just just it's almost an impossible 100 ideal but if you can only aim for that if a sponsor says we need you to fucking tone it down to realize like oh fuck i just gave up another four grand no sorry i can't use you anymore god damn it i hate this that's what fuck you money is all about sort of yeah but this guy didn't have fucking money in the fountain this guy's like i'll go back open mics i'll go back to open mics you can't take away my ability to freely do this no matter what so it freed me in terms of like being able to think that way it was really really informative to me but if i just heard these people going her she's a socialist and then you read it like oh i'm not getting what you're saying out of this i i'm missing this amazing

stuff so the people who just say oh you 4chan is hate mongers, I'm not getting what you're saying out of this. I'm missing this amazing stuff. So the people who just go, fuck you 4chan as hate mongers, you're not even listening to what they're actually doing. Well, as soon as you eliminate nuance and you have reductionist ideology, right? You just want to reduce something to, oh, he's racist.

Oh, he's hateful. Oh, he's this, he's that. That's where ideas go to die because you eliminate what is what it is to be a human what it is to be a human is to be constantly conflicted to deal with a bunch of different contrary ideas bouncing around your head left and right all the time you know and if you if you want to eliminate the ability to talk to people that you don't agree with boy you're living in a fucking

bizarre bubble because you're not going to agree with yourself five years from now most likely yeah i mean if i had an argument today with myself 15 years ago i'd be like man you're a fucking dumbass yeah you need to stop thinking this way you need to stop doing this you need to look at yourself more objectively i would argue with myself why i think that and just like listen i mean the fact it was so divisive, but no one listens to the other side. I'll give the easiest argument to me is abortion, where it's like, well, both sides are pro-life. The idea of life. And both sides are also pro-choice.

No one's against choice. But you're not hearing the other side. So one side is saying it's a woman's a woman's right to choose her body. It's her choice. It's like, okay, but yes, it's her body,

but it ain't a tattoo. There's, you know, there's more to it than just her body. And then the other side, it's like, it's a human life. Like,

okay, yes, it's a life, but also this chick has to carry it for nine months. She's got to change her whole body in order to carry it. It's not just simply, it's a life. It's not like they're going in and murdering babies.

It's in a human. So can you guys actually talk? Can you guys really talk and own up to like it's no one's just one side ground? Yeah, right So then we'll talk the people with the pro-choice are saying no It's a woman's right to choose and the people that are pro-life so, you know, you're killing a baby Yeah, and if you give up any ground the baby's gonna die So they're gonna take away a woman's right to have an abortion, and then she's going to have to carry a bunch of kids from people that raped her. This is the worst-case scenario and extremes on both ends.

Yeah, as a booker, as a former booker, someone who books a show that needs more women, it's like, oh, I'm looking hard. But you have to understand that I'm not going to hurt my product over it. I do want diversity. I want diversity of opinion on there. I want diversity of experience. I want some Australians.

I want some fucking black people. Ali Sadiq gives a far different life experience than I do. Forget about my race. Just his life experience is way different. Ali Sadiq and Byron Bowers, both black guys, gives a far different worldview. So I do want that diversity of experience. But I'm not going to get some shitty guy who just was in prison and doesn't know how to tell a story right so i'll work hard but meet me halfway right i will do it but find me quality people yeah so i'll go to fucking atlanta and find miss pat

but i'll go i have to go far for it so if somebody cancels on my show and now i have five white guys don't be like fuck you look into a little more it's like i just had two chicks cancel so meet me halfway well whenever you're looking for diversity as opposed to looking for the best possible product you've got an issue yeah and part of that best product is some diversity of opinion that is that is but but it should be good and there's no reason why the two are mutually exclusive like the idea that there's only a certain limited amount of good ideas that come mostly from white people is ridiculous yeah right so there's plenty of ideas that will come from asians and plenty of ideas that come from all sorts of different

ethnicities that are also excellent so it's just finding them but when you guarantee that you're gonna have five of this and five of that that's's when you're going to have a real fucking problem. Yeah, so I had my friend, my friend Colette said that what they're doing in the business world is they're taking what their industry is, the number of, let's say men and women only. Forget black and white and Latino, whatever, just men and women. They're taking the number of people in that industry and in order to correct an overuse of males, let's say, or the other way, overuse of females in like autistic training,

you know, but let's just say in the business world, it's 70-30, making that up. So what you do is they force you instead of,

where California is like, you must put a woman on your board. Yes. Which means like, okay, if we just, we have three board members, one left,

and we have to hire a woman now. Wait, Bill Gates just became available. He wants to work on our board, which means like, okay, if we just, we had three board members, one left and we have to hire a woman now. Wait, Bill Gates just became available. He wants to work on our board. Can't hire him. Can't hire him. That's hurting my company. You got to hire him. He's great.

He's great. Yeah. So what they said is in order to correct it, they will interview at a 10% higher rate than the industry numbers so that they'll be exposed slightly to more of the people that are underrepresented and over time that would correct the people that are underrepresented. And over time, that would correct the issue without hurting any company. I have to hear, well, let me hear why you think you're right for the job. And eventually you will hear people like, wow, she was actually really good.

Let's actually hear her there. But if it's still Bill Gates, you're probably going to get the job over him. He's got his fucking, he's got his resume. Well, that's where Jordan Peterson comes in with this equality of outcome outcome argument and the equality of outcome argument is it's a dangerous argument if you guarantee equality of outcome but i want to hear you guarantee that women are going to make exactly the same amount as men and so even if the man works harder the women is still going to make the same amount of money that's's ridiculous. And vice versa. Sure. But with anybody or anything.

The NFL said you have to interview I mean, we're predominantly black. You have to interview. Interview, not hire. Interview one black candidate before you hire somebody. So at least these people get heard and sometimes you go like, that guy was actually pretty fucking good. Let's really consider

him. And then they get hired a little more until it just shifts the needle well but only qualified people right but ideally what you would want is no racism right no racism no sexism that's ideal and not to have to make some laws for it yeah but we're not in that world that's not the world we live in but it would be nice yeah that would be what we really want for sure what really want is this is never an issue at all. You're only getting people that are great at it. And that way, if racism was not an issue at all, if there was no racism whatsoever, what you would say is, oh, look, it seems like Asian people gravitate towards this. It seems like people of this color or this culture rather gravitate towards this activity.

And I wonder why that is instead of saying, why don't you hire more white people? You'd say it seems like white people aren't really interested in that job. I mean, the cleaners in New York is a very Asian job. Yes. But you're not like, you need to hire white people. You need to hire black people. It's like, it's not a sought after job. But because it's not a high prestige job, that's why.

So nobody cares. Yeah, nobody cares. But if it was a CEO of large financial institutions, you would say this is ridiculous that it's all this and not that. Ideally, it would be a fascinating social experiment or a social observation to find out what genders, what sexual orientation, what race,, what ethnicities gravitate towards specific jobs. If those jobs didn't have a hierarchy of desire, right. If there wasn't some jobs that are far more desirable. I mean, one of the arguments I had really early on in Hollywood was with this guy who was a really nice guy, but he was Asian. And, uh, he was saying, there's no fucking roles for Asian actors. This is bullshit. And I was like, okay, why don he was Asian. And he was saying, there's no fucking roles for Asian actors.

This is bullshit. And I was like, okay, why don't you make roles? It's like, it's not that easy. I go, I get it. I understand that it's not that easy. But do you think that someone should have to write an Asian leading man because you have a hard time getting a job? Like, what should they do?

Like, how should it be done? There's also no roles for ugly people. Right. It's true. Like, what about people who are dwarves? There's very few jobs for that. Very Right. It's true. What about people who are dwarves? There's very few jobs for that. Very few. And one guy's killing it.

That one guy's dominating. That Game of Thrones dude. What would you do? What would you do to correct that is the question. It's not whether or not the world is fair. The world's not fair. There's no five foot tall white guys that are playing in the NBA. That's not fair either.

There's weird shit that just happens to be reality. Like, what do you do to correct that? And, you know, he was really adamant that Hollywood is racist. They're not hiring Asians to be leading men and Asians. I'm like, OK, I see how it would be frustrating for you as an actor. as an actor. But if you're a screenwriter and you're a guy who writes a story about a white guy who moves into a haunted house and

he falls in love with this woman and they buy a house together and the house winds up being haunted and there's monsters, you're saying, should someone have to change that to an Asian guy so that you get a job? Yeah, it's also simplistic because it's not hearing the other argument. It's like, okay, sure,

that guy could be anybody. That guy could be any race. But if me, I'm not Hollywood, I'm a guy making this one movie. Right. And if I cast an Asian, I'm probably going to make far less money than if I cast a guy

who looks like most of the movie ticket purchasers, which is a white guy. Or a famous person, which you know is going to sell big time tickets. Sure, absolutely. So then it's like, you want me to correct what Hollywood is, but I'm not Hollywood. I'm just this producer for this movie. That's something that my friend Frankie Renzulli said to me once. He said, there's no Hollywood.

That's what he said about the AIDS cure. They're like, doctors have the cure, but they make more money in selling- Off the treatment. Off the treatment. But I'm like, but there's no such thing as doctors. There's no doctor's group. So if one doctor had it, he would be a billionaire if he just released the cure. Well, this is the main problem with conspiracy theory, is that everyone's working together.

They think that everyone's working together as a part of some grand thing to keep the knowledge that the world's flat away from the general public. Like that kind of stupidity. But that comes from a lack of understanding of how human beings interact with each other and about how magnificent a discovery so gigantic would be to the one person that exposed it. That that person's going to keep their mouth shut?

For what fucking reason? For what reason? That's nonsense. I will say with that in mind, there is a thing that when you interview a white lady or a black dude for a job, a lot of times your predispositions towards those races or genders go in and go like, I don't respect you as much as your mind is there.

I kind of disrespect you a little. I don't think you have the brain that someone who looks different has. So now you're not letting them get the part or get the job they would have gotten. Not the part. The part doesn't work. The job. Because like, ah, really?

You're smart? No way. Right. A woman's going to do the best job? Get the fuck out of here. When you ever see an actor who goes on to write and direct his own thing, you're like, what? Because most actors are fucking idiots. Right. And then when you see one that's actually intelligent, you're like, I would not have

expected that from you. And that happens also with race and gender. So that you do want to correct. Yes. Well, that's what Billy Bob Thornton did with Sling Blade. He couldn't get jobs. Made his own. So he decided, you know what?

Swingers. I have this crazy character. I'm going to... Swingers. Exactly. John Favreau. Yeah. They decided to make his own movie

rocky yeah i mean sort of he just made sure he played and he wrote it and he wrote it yeah but he did go to a major yeah studio but you you can't mandate creativity creativity is a different element because like look how many fucking books is stephen king written about maine yeah like it's every other book it's about maine you can't tell him he can't write a book about maine because people from kenosha wisconsin are upset and they think that you're you know you're locationist but i do like what they do in the uk in their like the first year of black mirror which is uk based they don't they just let black guys play roles. It's not,

they're not playing black person. They're just like, there's mixed race couples. They're just, they're just people. They're way further along than we are in terms of that. In terms of their social consciousness of the zeitgeist in general, they don't see race as much.

European? English. English. You know, they say, they see Indians and Pakistanis and stuff like that. They see that race really hard. Still, we actually probably see that less.

But in terms of black and white, there were just way more like there's people. Right. That's interesting. Yes. They don't have a history of slavery like we do. Maybe it stopped earlier. I'm not sure. I mean, way back.

They had the more in Shakespeare. But like, I don't know. It's just not as bad as us. Right. For whatever reason. I'm not really sure of the causes. But then people, black guys can just play a role. There was an argument about that with Black Mirror that I

found was kind of silly. Someone was saying, oh, I'm upset about Black Mirror because it's like every show has a woman lead in every show. I go, step away and look at the shows. They're fucking fantastic. The show is so good. But that's someone who is so upset by this whole idea of diversity and enforced diversity that they're looking for it even when it's not relevant because the actual work itself is so good.

See, like you shouldn't say the new Ghostbusters sucked because it was all women. You should say the new Ghostbusters sucked because no one was calling for a remake of it. Right. And it sucked. Or Star Wars. The new Star Wars. Like when you had Carrie Fisher and Laura Dern were like the major generals. And you're like, what?

Yeah. This doesn't even work. Like maybe it doesn't work because it wasn't written well. Right. And because they didn't really pull it off. But you're telling me you couldn't have some badass chick like Sigourney Weaver when she was in Aliens who dominated the film and nobody gave a fuck that she was the lead.

Because it was so good. Look how cool the blonde chick is from Game of Thrones. And Cersei's. No one's like, oh yeah, whatever. It's like no one thinks of them as women. They're just like strong characters. Omar from The Wire, who was gay and black. Like, no one cares. Right. Because it was just like strong characters yeah omar from the wire who was gay and black like

no one cares right because it was just like he nailed it yeah but then how do you yeah you have to like like not see it and be like who's going to be great in this and also give a representation of you can't make all the gangsters white because it'd be unrealistic right well you know i mean we've seen this in comedy too right we've seen there's a difference between enforced diversity and people who just happen to be diverse but are brilliant true and we've seen this where they're trying to enforce like certain aspects if you say nobody with mustaches you're gonna make your product worse yeah well we i mean how many times have we seen this and people will say hey you know why aren't there more women at the comedy store? Why aren't there more of this?

Why aren't there more of that? Whoops. Oh, yeah. That lady who said Whitney Cummings only got three spots last month explained that. What you're doing is accusing. But if you're actually asking why did Whitney Cummings only get three spots last month, it's because Whitney Cummings called in for three spots last month. She gets every spot she wanted.

She will tell you that if you ask her to her face. She's one of the ones who's carte blanche. So are you. You don't call in and not get a spot. There's certain people who get the spots they want. So she's one of them. So the answer is... She's busy. Yeah, exactly. The answer is not sexism there.

Well, that's nonsense though. That kind of thinking almost always comes from people who suck. If you look at their art, they're almost always bad. That's just a fact. They want equality of outcome. And that's not new. I was talking to Lisa about this recently. It's not new.

It made me realize. Same thing when Dane Cook got big. People were like, oh, because he's good looking. And that was a bunch of sucky guys who weren't killing every set like Dane was. Sure. And they were going, there must be a reason, than it's on me why I'm not as big as him. So how about the good looking thing?

That's off me. I have no control over that. And it's really like, dude, that guy kills 19 times out of 20 and you kill two out of 20. Yeah. Like, can you possibly say it could be based on that? But it's the people that are complaining are almost never doing well anyway. So this is why they complaining.

I mean, what's what's going on? I i mean you're not going to hear certain people you're not going to hear bill burr complaining about other people doing well chappelle said it it goes i mean black comics who do well they're all successful hugely you guys if you're doing well on stage consistently as a black comic there's no question you'll be you'll be doing you'll be making doctor money he didn't say that but like that's what it is but that's what it is yeah well comedy in many ways is very egalitarian in that way you get laughs you don't yeah you mean you are what you are either you're really funny or you're not and there's black rooms for black comics you do

something it's like so like i mean that doesn't relate to certain white audiences like i just can't figure it out but there's rooms for them. The Mexican rooms where they do half their punchlines in Spanish. That wouldn't play at the comedy store, but it would play in certain audiences. Well, when Diaz used to do Miami, he would do Spanglish. He would have his punchlines be in Spanish, and people would fall out of their fucking chair laughing. Because they understood it.

And if you were a white guy who didn't swear, good luck. Yeah, good luck. Just jump out a window. That was another thing. Oh, you're dirty. That's why you're successful. swear, good luck. Yeah, good luck. Just jump out a window. That was another thing. Oh, you're dirty. That's why you're successful. Oh, yeah. That's a big one.

Hey, man, just start crushing and this won't be an issue. Yeah. Well, that was a nonsense issue, too. Like, I don't want to follow someone dirty. Yeah. Well, why not? Yeah. Why?

What difference does it have? Yeah, but this idea that, like, I'm not getting ahead because of a reason is not new. I just realized. This has been going on as a reason to be like off me, why I'm not doing well. Yeah. And it doesn't, I think the real sexism,

especially for women is having to work with a bunch of people that are trying to fuck you all the time. Especially I think at open mics when you're already ready to quit anyway. Yeah. You're about ready to quit. And now this fucking, these creeps are around and there's no one to talk to. And they're half crazy.

The coffee shop, they're half homeless. I mean, for real homeless. Yeah. People line up for open mics. There's a giant percentage of them that are out of their fucking mind. So if you're some girl who already feels vulnerable around men to begin with because you're smaller and you're a target for sexual harassment. There's no manager to go talk to.

Like, hey, this guy's fucking, can you walk into my car? There's no rules. You sign up. There's 30 other people signing up. You wait around for your name to be called. If you're lucky, you get three minutes. And you're still, no matter what, five years away from making a dollar.

So it's like, you know what? If you're lucky. Fuck it, I'm done. If Mary Lynn Rice Club today gets harassed, she's not going to quit. She's still making money. Right. She might not come to the store anymore

if nobody does anything about it But people would do something There's a place to go to for like hey you need to get rid of this guy this audience member can't come anymore And that's just comedy I mean with any job Well also with men men are fucking stupid okay if you're working with a man, and you're nice that man He assumes you want to fuck him because this out This is evolution this worked. Yeah, we're monkey touch my arm It's like I mean oh the next two days me

So if a woman is like kind to a guy and get some coffee The guy thinks she wants to suck his dick because he's stupid because this is how we're programmed We're programmed to think that women who are nice to us, if that woman is attractive, she must be sending a signal she wants sexual attention. It can't just be some completely plutonic workplace situation. That's not possible because eight hours a day when you're working with someone, you develop feelings and thoughts and ideas about that person. I realized that when we were doing the Nasty show in Montreal, and there's all these young interns, some of them women. And, you know, young people are cuter than old people.

I don't know what to tell you. I'll stand by. You can be mad at me all you want. Yeah, you can be mad at me all you want. You're an ageist. I fucking talk to every magazine. Yeah. And you get this idea, and you're there a week early from everybody else.

The Nasty Show starts way earlier, so you're pretty much the only English-speaking show while the French stuff is going on. And these interns come out, and you're like're like oh i think i can fuck one of them and then it hit me like oh wait there's also male interns who are also showing up to the shows and you're like oh they're all just comedy fans and i'm reading in these women must be flirting because they're coming when they're exhibitingiting literally the exact same behavior as the men who are coming. Right. Coming to like, I want to hang out with the comedian.

Yeah. And they might want hookup, they might not, but I'm putting something on them only because of their gender. And then it's like, okay, step back. You can't fuck any of these people. Right. Yeah. And that must be what it's like if you're the manager of an office and there's a cute woman who works for you and a guy who's fat and gross and they're both exhibiting the exact same friendly behavior towards you, you don't assume the fat guy wants to suck your dick. Right.

And then also it's like you can still hook up, but they have to do all the work. The underling has to do all the pushing. Man, can you even though? I don't think you can in an office environment. I think if the underling keeps pushing, then you could – But they have to push hard. They have to push hard. You could be like, what are you doing this weekend? Everybody –

A friend of mine. I'm going to a movie. You want to come? Like, sure. Anybody else want to come? Like, you have to, like, really not push and put them in that position. Yeah. And there's people going to take advantage of that on both sides.

Yeah. And even on the female side. There's a friend of mine who works at Vice. Even on the female side. There's a friend of mine who works at Vice, and he was talking to me about this woman who was making these really obvious... Flotations? Well, advances. She was trying to have sex with him.

And he contacted one of the other guys that he works with that was also there, and he's like, do not fuck her. She is upwardly mobile. Like, what she was doing, she was trying to fuck her way up to the top. She did it to this guy, and then she called sexual harassment on him after she flirted with him. Sure, there's Rex. Anthony did to one of those people. And then she got some fucking, some advance that she shouldn't have, and some nonsense went on.

People are political. Some people are very calculated, and some people are sociopaths. And they exist with vaginas. They exist withises it's just this is part of being a person there's some people that are just bad people but there's also some women who like power and that's not wrong either and so it's like oh you're a manager right it's justifiably makes me want to fuck you a little more and so that's okay too yeah and well there's some women also that like being in power and we hate those women but we don't hate the men who like to be in power that's a weird thing too like a woman who wants to run shit we're like look at this crazy bitch wanting to run everything whereas a guy who wants to run

shit seems totally normal yeah i will say it's a bigger wrong it's like what do you most likely want to avoid you know and it seems like a bigger wrong for someone to have to like worry about getting fucking not just being able to do their job yeah versus uh oh this chick wants to sleep with me because she wants to get ahead yeah well that's easy to avoid yeah it's for the guy it's there's no physical threat yeah way easier there's never a physical threat for the guy my people like well i got my ass grabs like and you could end it at any time you want it's not the same stop it i mean unless you're like really a mess and you know you're just vulnerable psychologically physically all the above you're you're an aberration yeah you're an aberration yeah yeah i don't know how to correct it but like we were lucky we don't have to work with people all day man people in a fucking office

environment that are working around people all day and people people in a fucking office environment that are working around people all day and people have some weird shit and then you go to the company christmas party and some guy who works with your wife says some creepy shit to you because you know he's been like he's been coveting your wife behind your back and you know he wants her and you know he's he talks shit about you to her and she tells you. And that kind of shit is so normal, man. Because you think about how many hours are in a day. You have 24 hours in a day.

Eight of them you're sleeping. Okay. So how much time is commuting? How much time is work? Most of your day is at work. So your life is not with your spouse. You might not hook up with them, but're interacting with them and in a disproportionate way yeah but do you think with people sometimes talk about me too going too far but let's talk

about for a second like me too going the right level do you think and we don't work in office jobs so we're just guessing right you think sexual harassment are down now in the last year i think men who are creeps are probably a little more cautious. I remember after them and see a video, people all over open mics were calling each other out on it. Yeah. And then occasionally it was a question of, it went too far. We're like,

you stole that joke from me. It's like, dude, we both talked about the same movie. Right. You're trying to write me off my whole career off because I talked about, uh, uh,

you know, whatever, dance with wolves. And so are you. But your thing was about the native Americans. Your thing was about the fucking, you know, the. Dance with wolves. And so were you. But your thing was about the Native Americans. Your thing was about the fucking, you know, the dog they had. And so I'm sure it went too far here or there. But it was nice where it was no longer acceptable to steal jokes.

Yes. And it wasn't just something we're going to tolerate. Right. It's got to be like that, too, with this Me Too stuff. It's no longer acceptable to fucking pat an ass. Exactly. And you can be like, what? I just wanted to. And everyone else, even the guys like dude no dude i couldn't imagine being a man

were rather the opposite i couldn't imagine being a woman working for a man who wanted to fuck me and me getting a raise me getting some sort of uh upward movement in my career is dependent upon this person making a decision, and this person's always trying to fuck me, that would be disgusting. And that's what a lot of women have to deal with all day long. And that's only one step of it. How about the fucking Bill Cosby step? How about you can't leave your fucking drink alone?

You can't leave your drink. That's a reality with a lot of women. That's not a reality with you or me. We're not always trying to rape us fuck i mean there's a lot of shit that women have to think about that we don't have to think about a lot many many many many many many many things yeah it is interesting this now is all coming up like what how many of you had something damn fuck it's worse than i thought a lot of it's too because like you just want to believe the best in in the world and people and so when you're like this you're like no that can't happen that much it's not like you're the

problem you're not doing it you just don't want to believe that's possible so removed you don't believe some kid can get chopped up by some you know some monster right like no right yeah we're removed from we don't see it as much it's not directed at us we live in fucked up worlds man our world is everybody smokes pot almost everybody drinks yeah you know everybody's a deviant everybody is impossible for them to have a regular job every single one of us that's successful as a comic it's virtually impossible for any of us to have ever existed in an office environment and survived yeah we're too fucked up but we're perfect for comedy. You know what I mean?

So us talking about office politics and office environments is fucking ridiculous. It's kind of silly, we have no idea really what it is. We're fools. That's why I think it's funny when people say, talk about, I don't know, Louis or something, where it's like, it was a comedy festival, so it was at their job, and it's like,

oh, no, no, no, no, you just don't understand what comedy is. It's a workplace safety issue. If it was a workplace, then you would have to say, by the way, actually, do people do coke at the workplace in our job? People actually consensually fuck during work at our workplace? Because that happens, too. A lot of pot smoking at our workplace. Yeah.

It's not. It's not. It's not. Our workplace has a designated pot smoking place. And now, where we are now- While you're in the green room, you can't fuck with anybody. But you can smoke. Yeah.

It's not a workplace. It's not. But you should still have the rights to safety, but it ain't a workplace. Well, and you should. Here's the thing. Say if you're Tom and Christina. You're married together. You could fuck in the green room.

Absolutely. Just lock the door and who's going to stop you? So you could fuck at the workplace. Yeah. Yeah, you could. That's not an issue. Yeah, people fuck in the green room all the time. Like, hey, beat it.

This girl's coming in. But you can't fuck if you're the manager and she's a secretary and you pull her into your office. You get fired for that. Even if it's your wife. You're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to do real work. You can't fuck at work. You can't fuck at work you can't fuck at work remember can stands i got fired he goes is that not allowed what did he do at work he fucked the mate and then they were like we caught

you on camera he goes oh i didn't was that a problem i didn't realize he's trying to lie his way out of it yeah yeah well i think people listen to more and it's slow and i think the the conversation gets sidetracked when you you you hit on punishment too much when someone people hit on punishment like this person needs to go away it's like can we get back to the fucking same thing with michael vick it's when you're talking about whether he should be allowed to play football it's like now you've sidetracked me from just saying don't kill dogs yeah i'm on your side but like oh now you've sidetracked me to go no no he should be allowed to play football that has nothing to do it. Let's just get back always to the argument. Let's make it safer for chicks in the workplace.

Let's not let a black guy not get hired when he's deserving. Let's fix that stuff. The punishment sidetracks is you can still talk about it, but not when you're emotional. I think one thing that we've come with in this conversation is that jobs suck. Jobs do suck.

And no one should have them because if you have them, people want to fuck you that you work with. Yeah. I think that's the solution. When it's like, men need to shut up.

It's like, all right, well then we can't help you or hurt you if you need to shut up. Well, those people are just, there's fringe, there's loud fringe people

like, you know, that's just one of my favorite tweets that I saved from this feminist woman that said, all white males are trash unless proven otherwise. It's like, all right, great. Well, we're not going to, then white males are trash unless proven otherwise.

I was like, okay, well, maybe. Well, we're not going to, then great. But you want our help. Yeah. Okay, good luck with that. Unless proven otherwise, that's a ridiculous way to look at things. Yeah.

What if a man said that? All women are cunts unless proven otherwise. That's a bad person. Well, it's also like the answer to, I don't know, white dudes have been in charge forever is not fuck these people over who I wasn't here for forever. White people just need to stop talking. Yeah.

And it's like, okay. Okay. That's. But the answer is lack of racism, lack of sexism. Yes. Complete lack. Even in judging white people, even in judging white males, even in judging white males in a position of power. Yeah.

Like there should be no racism. There should be no discrimination and people should be that presidential candidate early early last time and they're like how do you feel about black lives matter he hadn't heard about it yet you know he goes yeah what and he was super progressive like of course black lives matter all lives matter what do you tell yeah and like all lives matter you can't that's a logo for that's a slogan for the other side and they like wrote him off and he's like how does he know about your fucking three-word summation of the whole argument?

Yeah. Black lives matter or all lives matter. And Bernie Sanders said black lives matter. And he said, why? And people like, oh, you're super progressive. We love you, Bernie. You're playing by the rules that we've established and you saying the things that we make you say.

Yeah. Well, of course, all lives matter, but black lives matter as well. So do yellow lives matter. Also, it's too, it's too crazy. It's too, but black lives matter as well. So do yellow lives matter. Also, it's too fucking crazy. It doesn't work as a slogan. If you go, hey, we need to figure out why black people are getting shot at a higher rate in their percentages than white people by cops. So we need to curb that immediately. We need to make it somewhere where you can actually trust the police to represent you all and not have a fear of them.

It's like, that's not a slogan you can throw out. But if you said that, then nobody's going to be like, you should have to worry about cops not doing this. It's like, we were just like, yeah, I'll get behind that. This is a super deep and complex conversation about systemic racism in communities where, like in Baltimore, where they literally established zones where black people couldn't buy homes. Yeah, and now you're going to sum up the three words. Yeah. You've got giant cultural issues that should be addressed on literally a nationwide scale. Like we're interested in building nations and helping people in Afghanistan and giving

aid to Saudi Arabia and all these different, fill in the blank with whatever country it is. How the fuck are they not fixing the south side of Chicago? Yeah. I mean, how the fuck are they not fixing Baltimore? How are they not going to- Compton, Flint. The fucking water is still undrinkable.

God damn it. Elon Musk has to step in and say he's going to fix your water? And by the way, you and I, we have no idea about the backstory to it and how to fix it. We have our opinions and our opinions are worthless. They're just opinions. They're just opinions. Worthless and no solutions. We're just talking.

Neither one of us have any skin in the game. We're talking out and our opinions are worthless. They're just opinions. Worthless and no solutions. We're just talking. Neither one of us have any skin in the game. We're talking out of our ass. But we're not doing anything really wrong to people. We're not hurting anybody. But if we want to look at things objectively, that is a real valid argument, a real valid point of discussion. It's like, sure, black lives matter. But you know what else matters? It's like, sure, black lives matter.

But you know what else matters? Really bad communities that have been bad for decade after decade after decade. And they're not being addressed by any politicians. They're not being addressed by any community leaders. No one is stepping in and saying, hey, before we do anything involving any other country, we've got to fix all the problems we have right here. And they can be fixed. They can be fixed. And it might take decades.

It might take years. I don't know how long it's going to take, but it's not going to be fixed at all if we do nothing. Right. I mean, if we've, we've, that's also part of this argument where it goes too far as a pendulum was here. We want it back in the middle. It's just gonna have to swing like a little too far and then come back when we're talking about me too and, and sexual harassment and rape and all this stuff i think one of the things that we're dealing with is information the distribution of information is occurring at a rate that's unprecedented it's never been like this before yeah and i think there's a real step that's going to happen with human beings where you're not you're going to be able to

literally read minds and this is going to happen through some sort of emerging with humans and technology. Elon Musk believes it's going to be this thing that he's releasing something in the next few months called Neuralink. And this Neuralink is going to somehow or another increase the bandwidth between people and information at a rate that's going to literally change what a human being is. And the way he was explaining it was very vague. But, you know, when you're talking about a guy like Elon Musk and the insane ideas that he has bouncing around inside his fucking robot brain, I believe him. And I believe this is one step. Just like no one could have ever predicted the internet in 1960.

No one ever would have thought, other than I think Malcolm McLuhan, some people had some ideas. I've never said this. Yeah. Some people had some ideas of what could possibly happen. But no one, no average person saw this coming. And I think no average person is going to see these next stages of integration between human beings and technology. And one of them is going to be some sort of a translation

device, some sort of a translation device that translates not just languages, but thoughts, and a universal language that defies economic boundaries, political boundaries, geographic boundaries, something that everyone's going to be able to understand. The real problem with the Tower of Babel argument is that if someone's talking in Bangladesh and someone's talking in Japan and someone's talking in America, there's so many different ways of saying things, it's too hard to understand them all. No one knows all the languages, right? And the nuance.

Oh, yeah, there's so much subtlety. When they translated the stranger, the first sentence is, and it's in French, I think, but it's, mother died yesterday, or was it the day before? I can't be sure.

And they have to have arguments about, should you use mother? Should you use mom? Should you use mama? Like, which one is he actually meaning in French to not just get like a sterile one, but like a normalized one. It's like, yeah, it's like it's beyond just translation. So, yeah. So go ahead. Whenever you're dealing with nationalism, whenever you're dealing with this idea of the other, that someone from another place is different than you. Different than you. Yeah.

Kids in Yemen's lives don't matter nearly as much as, I don't know, someone not getting hired for late night TV. Yemen is a perfect example because they're using drones to launch missiles into a country that we're not even supposed to be at war with. Kids, six-year-olds. Not insurgents. Yeah. A six-year-old little girl is dead times 1,000. But if one died, why is that okay? It's not happening in Chicago or San Francisco. There's not drones launching into the East Village.

So because that's not happening, we don't think of it as a concern of ours. not happening, we don't think of it as a concern of ours. And this, I think these hurdles, these are informational hurdles as much as they're geographical hurdles and they're language hurdles. And these are, these are hurdles of understanding. And I think as our realm of understanding expands and we get a better understanding of the idea that we really are just human beings in different places, and that you are no different than me, and I'm no different from some kid who lives in China, and that we're all just human beings.

And whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to our similarities. And also, the random chance that you were born in Maryland, and I was born in New Jersey. Yeah, there's that too. This randomness, and this idea that you take pride in that is so foolhardy and so ridiculous. And the idea that somehow or another we're on some sort of a tribe. And this is something that human beings cling to for security and safety. And we go with tribe left and tribe right. And we go with tribe progressive and tribe conservative.

And we go with tribe American, tribe Canada, and tribe Mexico. It's all foolishness. And I think as technology expands, that will be more and more preposterous. And you're starting to see this with even the way people view religion. If you look to people from just a few decades ago, how many people in this country thought they were, how many identified as atheists? It's quite a bit less than today. Quite a bit more identify with today because you start

to understand more about religion. There's Google. People can, and Bill Maher and Sam Harris were actually talking about this on a podcast recently because they were talking about the 10th anniversary of Religious Bill Maher's documentary. And they made a really good point that Google came along and when

Google came along, people were allowed to then research the history of Mormonism, where they never really could before. And they go, wait, he was 14 in 1820? And Joseph Smith was just a kid, and he made up a bunch of... Find me a 14-year-old that's not full of shit, and that's way more impressive. And then Scientology, and many of the you know many of the chapters in the Bible when people look at

the difference between the New Testament and the Old Testament and who wrote it and why and how many passages were removed and edited

by human beings and like you decide the work of God like what gets to be released and what's not all that stuff is it's kindling you see it now

it's like meh it's kindling for the fire of enlightenment and in that fire spreading and i think that it's an informational tool and these this yeah i think that's enlightenment is is it's a bad term fire enlightenment but just when you realize it's like me too when it really does get out we're like whoa i didn't realize how bad it had gotten. And we think about how many women you like, they were talking about this a long time ago and you're like, come on. Yeah.

And you're like, man, relax, honey. Yeah, exactly. That's okay. And now you're like, fuck, I guess it is really bad. Well, the Cosby thing, I remember hearing about that when I was at news radio. Yeah. It was always a thing like, I guess, I don't know. Maybe I didn't think about it like in terms of real terms. That's an actual person at news radio. Yeah, it was always a thing like, I guess, I don't know, maybe. But I didn't think about it like in

terms of like if I was an actress. In real terms, as an actual person. Yeah, or if like that was my sister who went through that. Right, or my mom. That's another reason too where I'll try to put myself in the place. I'm pretty good at like, I mean, you've seen me tell stories, I get worked up. You know, I can put myself in the place I was or, you know, imagine something pretty good.

And so it's like, yeah, if it was your sister your mom your girlfriend your wife daughter going through it you'd be like i'll fucking kill that guy you know it's like you're so mad but then the same thing when i hear about like i don't know like louis and if my sister is like told me that i'm like he did what was it all red was it all red like red pubes like how many of them were gray yeah so it's like right yeah i try to put in the position as best i can i still don't have to go through it if it's wrong but like there's levels there's levels but also it's like getting back to it

it's like you really hear about all the stuff now and you're like whoa but there's also in terms of someone like louis there's got to be a road to redemption and this is one of the problems with people that are so fucking angry is that they don's got to be a road to redemption. And this is one of the problems with people that are so fucking angry, is that they don't think there's any road to redemption. They want his career to be taken away. Should never play again. But the Michael Vick thing is different.

Why? Because Michael Vick tortured and murdered dogs. Didn't murder, you're going to want to murder a person. But he also went to jail for four years. He did the time that the state said you need to do this for what you did. He served his time. He lost his freedom for four years. He did the time that the state said you need to do this for what he did. He served his time.

He lost his freedom for four years. Yes. Yes. So his job that he had before has nothing to do with it but it does come down

to people going I'm not through with you suffering yet. Okay. Same thing with Louie. I still think it's a different thing. I'm not through

with you suffering. You represent killing and torturing dogs. Of course it's different. Do you represent evil to women just because you beat off in front of them or are you just a creeper? Of course you're just a creeper. But not even that I don't think.

A pervert. I guess. What are you? I don't know man. A sexually deviant? You hang out with two girls who are like talking dirty for two days. You go on drinks with them. You start getting the idea. It's like I think I'm going to hook up. I think I might have a threesome. and they're like that's not enough reason to go for it's like yeah you're right like i need more signs like well let me say you want to go out for

drinks and they do it's like still no it's not enough of a sign it's like yeah you're right you're right oh i know i'll invite them up to my hotel room that's usually a pretty universal sign and they're coming they came to my hotel room no that's not enough you're right you're right you're right all these signs is not enough tell Tell you what, I'll just ask outright. Can I fucking jerk off in front of you? And they said, yes. No, that's still not enough. What are you talking about?

Well, here's the. So no, not creeper, but he represents things to people. Yes. Just like Roseanne represented Trump when she said she has a character voted for Trump in the show. So because they're representative of evil against women, they go, just get rid of that representative. And they're not seeing him as a human being that people actually know, that is a human, that is a person.

Not only that, if someone says yes, if you ask, can I beat off in front of you, and they say yes. And then never say, no, no, I was just kidding. Just leave the yes out there. Here's this. We're done here. We're done. Just leave the yes out there. Here's this. We're done here. We're done.

Did you say yes? Yeah. Okay. So if a girl says, can I play with my pussy in front of you? And you go, yeah. And then she doesn't. You go, well, that was fucking disgusting, and I can't even believe this happened, and I'm going right to the press.

Like, wait a minute. Did you say yes? Yeah. Like, okay, here's one thing is if this is a an aggressive angry person who traps you to room you feel like the only way you can get out the only way you can get out of this room is you let this guy beat off in front of you and you're fearful of your life people don't really most people don't really care i saw him on stage everyone clapped like crazy they were so happy and when he goes guys i'm just gonna do jokes tonight everyone's like fuck yes yeah just do

jokes jokes we just want to see what we loved about you two years ago yeah 10 months ago yeah and michael vick we just want you to see you throw we're done with that you did your crime or we still hate you there's nothing what about michael richards how you got your job he just he just yelled out racist shit but like but like nobody nobody saw nobody liked him on stage. Yeah, you're right. So it's like, I'm not missing anything from you. The thing about Louis is, you know, there's got to be some path of redemption for everybody. Yeah.

For everybody. I mean, human beings very wildly. Can Bill Cosby not go up at a prison talent show? No. No? No. It's over. Can't even go up in prison? No. It's over. He can't even go up in prison?

No. Disagree. No. I'm kidding. Look, he's in jail. Until you show me the connection to what he did versus this job, you know what I mean? Pete Rose bet on baseball. He hurt the job he was doing.

So that, you're like, you can't be in baseball anymore because you fucked over baseball. But did he fuck over baseball by betting on it yeah they show he like probably threw some games or he like used his relievers in situations he wouldn't have that he can't use them tomorrow because you fucked over baseball that fucked so you baseball has shut its doors to you right if you steal jokes yes maybe there is a path to redemption. Maybe. But you fucked over jokes. Well, you fucked over other comics.

Yes. So you fucked over the experience you're talking about getting back into. But that guy can go to the supermarket. Yes.

He can work at another job because it has nothing, you haven't shown me a connection to another job. See, the thing about the joke stealing thing,

and this is where it gets really, really weird is there's no real punishment other than people deciding they don't like you because you're a joke thief and that is the real punishment like you're talking about can twitter take you down it's like no no what i'm saying is it's different than someone who steals cars right someone steals cars there's a punishment set up yeah you go to jail it's illegal if someone steals jokes like you've basically done the same thing. You've stolen a thing.

You know, that thing is ethereal. Sort of. Yeah, you've stolen a thing. It's also a little different because you can still do your jokes. If I steal your car, you can't have your car anymore. No, no, no, no. If somebody goes on in front of you, like we know Mencia did, and does your headlock, your closing bit.

On purpose to fuck with you. On purpose to fuck with you. He would do closing bits. The best was Freddie fucking with Bobby once. And he was like, oh, you're going to love this. He would fuck with Bobby. Bobby Lee would. But it wasn't to steal.

Yeah, it was to fuck with Bobby. What did he say? You're going to love this next guy. He's so funny. And Bobby, all he wanted was Freddie's support. He looked up to him so hard. And he could never get it. You're going to love this next guy.

He does this joke about selling corn on the side of the road. He's like yelling, corny, corny yells. So good. He has this other bit about his dad. He would tell his bits? He would just tell the ending punchlines of his bit. Why would he do that? Just pull his legs out from under him.

That's a terrible thing to do. I mean, he was fucking with him. But he wasn't doing to gain himself, only to hurt Bobby. And only in one moment that I ever saw. But it was like, fuck, you got me bad. Yeah. I mean, they were bitter enemies. Why were they bitter enemies? It's not about ratting them out to somebody a long time before.

The argument's way gone. It's done. But, like, they hated each other back then. Freddie hated Bobby. Bobby hated him back only because. The thing about people getting caught, it's like the punishment's real though. It's almost better than going to jail. Yeah.

It's like we know about you now. Not only do we know about you now, but the public knows about you now. And the disdain is palpable. It's real. And you see it not just with him, not just with Mencia, but there's a few of them. And you can tell the difference too

between somebody going, that guy took that guy's joke versus that guy takes jokes. You know what I mean? That guy took that guy's joke. That's out there and that's real. Right. But doesn't quite stick as much as like,

we all just know that guy steals jokes. Right. You know? Yeah. It's not a possible like it's like over and over again like there's such a clarity too in the difference between the jokes they come up with on their own yeah and the jokes that they steal and sure you can keep going up you can still sell theaters so your punishment is we know about you i can't you can't sell out theaters

though that's what happens to them eventually but a lot of them still do name one dang coke continue to sell theaters while he's does those things dog but it died off eventually but a lot of people die off too um but during while it was happening there was no real he was still doing massive numbers mencia is still doing living better than most a-level comics even after all you mean even right now actually he still makes more money than Mike Vecchione does than really good comics than Big Jay does. He probably still makes more money than I do to be honest.

I'm doing as great as I've ever done. So it's like it doesn't get taken away from you completely. You'll never get the respect of your peers. That's a big deal with us. That's what I'll send the founder.

Ron White and I were talking about this in the back of the comedy store he was talking about a bunch of shit he was going through and splitting up and all this and that he goes listen at the end of the

day all I give a fuck about do I have the love and respect of my peers yeah and those guys don't have it and it fucking drives them crazy and so there's your punishment you can take jokes and do

whatever but like we're never gonna look up to you and that's what you want yeah and on that nobody hates larry nobody hates larry they might they might think he's like lame but nobody hates him larry the cable guy yeah he's a great guy he's a great guy wait i want one more story before i go about this is really an mma podcast it's kind of not. But it is. But that's how it goes. We can go either way. Release it however you want. This fucking podcast is always like that, though. Yeah.

I did this thing. You helped me organize it a little bit. Or arrange it in my head. Where I was really stoked on the experience that LA people have with medical marijuana. And I said, it's not fair that other people don't get to have this experience of taking these breath strips at a UFC and how great it is. And I was like,

I'm going to have an event called Hunt for the Edible. Oh no. And I am going to hide marijuana, have a scavenger hunt. At first I thought like, have some clues and they'll come to me,

I'll give it to them. Like a cop will do that and come to you. And you're like, good point, good point. I got to hide this. So I would hide drugs, I mean like, a cop will do that and come to you. You're like, good point, good point. I've got to hide this. So I would hide drugs, but only marijuana, one-time mushrooms. But at UFCs, I would have access to them beforehand.

When we went to the MGM, for the weigh-ins, half of it was shut down. So the other half, I could just walk through freely. And I would hide. I would tape these breath strips to somewhere the first one's underneath a bathroom sink in a fucking in one of the bathrooms and draw clues on twitter release them every five minutes plan them out ahead of time but one was like if you want to get high go up a level and it was like okay people would like run up people got into it they run up levels and then they until this guy was like i think it's right here this bathroom sink then he looked under it,

undid it, had a note in there with the proper dosage. You know, I don't want to fuck anybody over. And it became such a fun, fun time. I got to assume that Powers That Be knew about it and said nothing. It's a plausible deniability. I don't know. I don't care.

Did I promote it? I forget. Did I tell people? I don't think so.'t care did i promote it i forget no did i tell people no i don't think so yeah so how did they how do you think they knew about it twitter i might have mentioned it on the podcast or something but um it was so fun for me um and i would do it over and over again and then i would go back i remember looking times where i would go i would tape it to like a pillar somewhere i like the pearl and i would go to see if it's found and i would feel usher go like, as I was looking, and he didn't know I was the one who hit it,

you know? He would just go, what you're looking for is no longer here. Because I guess a bunch of people kept coming to this pillar. They would follow the clues. No one said... Angry usher. No one said it's found now. Cut the game. Later, I would go in and delete all the clues. I'm not looking to fuck over the cops or anything like that.

But it was so fun. One time, nobody found one. I was always leaving. I'm like, still here. I'm fucking taking it off. I'm using it myself. But I usually had to hide two of them underneath a fucking fire extinguisher, something like that. Now, one time, somebody found it and then came down and sat like right behind me and Chandra.

And then these ushers slash security guards came and found the guy and said, hey, I need you to come with me. And they took him out. And I was like, fuck. He kept his mouth. He wasn't like, it was this guy in front of me. And I sat there for about 30 seconds. And I was like, I got to go, Chandra.

I got to go fucking. I got to turn myself in on this wow yeah and she was like where am I I'm not letting this fucking kid do fuck I gotta say like no I hit it I'll figure it out and then I went up there and they were like oh no they were just moving our seats because we're sitting in the wrong seats we're fine yeah and I was like oh thank god thank god didn't you get busted in like Minneapolis or some shit?

Yeah, at the Mall of America. That wasn't at a UFC. At the Mall of America, I got found. Oh, you kept doing it outside the UFC. Yeah, sure. People would be like,

actually, I never did mushrooms. Mushrooms was in Winnipeg, was not at a UFC. It was just at comedy shows. Oh. But the UFC experience was so fun for me to give these people

the drugs that I took and I want you to experience this heavily blown out on weed experience that me and Diaz get to do. And it was fun to spread that joy. It really was fun. It was one of my favorite memories of this UFC. I wonder if you could do that again now that it's totally legal. Oh, maybe. You're right.

In California and Nevada, they're both entirely legal. Legal, legal. Wow. Massachusetts, legal, legal. Wow. There. In California and Nevada, they're both entirely legal. Legal, legal. Wow. Massachusetts, legal, legal. Wow. There's a bunch of states now. And now all of Canada. All of Canada.

That's right. October 17th. Canada fucking went whole hog, baby. Yeah, what if I could do it again? Salute, Canada. Salute. You bad motherfuckers. Yeah, finally coming through.

That's a beautiful thing they did. They made it legal nationwide. One hour. One hour before the first guy got pulled over for smoking weed in his car. Probably, right? No, that's what it was. It was an hour after it was fully legalized. The guy got busted for smoking weed in the car.

Yeah, you can't do that. Don't do that, dummy. Smoke weed before you get in the car, you idiots. Come on, stupid. Don't be ridiculous. Yeah, but that was one of my favorite memories of UFCs, having that thing. We had some good goddamn times. We had some good goddamn times. And it was funny that it took me a long time to figure

out that I could combine the UFC and comedy. Yeah, I remember you taking us with us a few times, and then I was like, dude, why are we doing nothing on Friday nights? And you're like, what do you mean? I can't schedule a show. Can you schedule a show? Yeah. I mean, we're going to do guest spots somewhere. Yeah. Let's just make a couple bucks. What did we do? How did we start doing it?

I think we would? I think honestly when we did like the Pearl or something Court McCown would be like hey if you want to come in and do a set you can. Like Dom Herrera had like sets and he's like yeah come do a set. I remember smoking cigars with me, you, him, Kevin James and just like the Common Bar.

I hated those clubs but those Common Bars were the best. Those were great and we were we could sneak around back then. Yeah, exactly. We didn't get attacked. We didn't get mobbed. Yeah. And then eventually it was like, hey, instead of just doing occasional guest spots, why

don't we do clubs? And the clubs would get full. I remember Guy Torrey doing something maybe in Omaha. And it was like, well, how about a midnight Friday show? Can we do that? You don't want to bump anybody. Right. But then you would schedule it months and months out, so nobody was scheduled.

Yeah. And then theaters was just one night anyway um and it just became like we're not wasting time yeah doing these fun ufc stuff we're actually working if you ever want to do those again man we could do some it became harder as i started headlining to be like i got to give up time yeah to go do that I remember one time it was, you were like, can you come do Dallas? You know how there's shows that are important to you? It might not be the most money or anything, but it's important to you.

Case in point, I went to do the Wilbur. My first time doing the Wilbur. And that was one of the ones I remember you doing, me opening for you. And then I'm doing two shows at the Wilbur. I'm like, I want to show Boston. It's an important comedy city. So then I was like, this is, I want to show Boston. It's an important comedy city. So then I was like, I needed to get like a really good opener.

I just somebody, I got Joe Liss. It was like, you're a headliner. I need you to open for me. And luckily he'd been open for Louis and his schedule became clear. Lucky for us. That's how I opened every show. Lucky for us. But yeah.

And you were like, you had this show in Dallas. And you're like, can you do it? I'm like, I'm doing the fucking San Francisco Comedy Festival. I was like, how much are you getting paid? I'm like, honestly, like 400 bucks. It's not about that. I agreed. And you're like, I'll give you $5,000.

I'll cancel now. Let me get off the phone right now, and I'll go ahead and finish the process of canceling. I wanted you to do it because it would be more fun. Yeah, there's that too. You know? Yeah. It would be more fun. I mean, we've had some fucking fun times man blast and when i talk to people about the road they go oh the road is lonely the roads i'm like you're doing it wrong yeah supposed to do with your best friends do some fun shit with it i try to stay

later on sunday and go hiking if it's like yeah if it's cold new york and i'm in austin fucking stay in the warmth a little bit do something fun that's a good move you know but yeah but later on Sunday and go hiking if it's cold in New York and I'm in Austin, fucking stay in the warmth a little bit. Do something fun. That's a good move. But yeah, but you and your friends is the number one way to do it. It's a different thing, man. The entourage thing, when we did that, it was too big.

It was too much work. It was too much work. It was too hard to organize and get everybody together. And it was too much pressure on me. I was like, I don't want to deal with this. I just want- You had to be an administrator, too, with all those people. Even two openers or two acts with me is too much work.

One person is fine. The only reason you brought a second opener was because the one opener was so irresponsible. You couldn't trust that he'd be there. But he was so brilliant that I refused to not hire him whenever I could work with him. The obvious answer is get someone else. But you were like, no, I'll get a buffer in case. The answer is get someone else. But you were like, no, I'll get a buffer in case.

Well, my feeling on Diaz is always like I have a special – I've always had a special place in my heart for him. Because he reminded me so much of my friend Johnny, Johnny B. from New York who died. Johnny the pool player? Yeah. And like I knew what Joey was. He's this brilliant guy who had a really hard time with reality, with life, with civilization. who had a really hard time with reality, with life, with civilization. But in those moments of brilliance, he was worth everything to me. So I was like, look, what I'm going to try to do with this guy is I'm going to try to somehow or another, because I was in mainstream.

I had a television show. Pull him in somehow. I had clubs that I could headline i'm like i'm going to bring this guy into the world and i'm going to show him how i do it and i'm going to like indoctrinate him i'm gonna i'm gonna you know he's older than me and i respect him and i'm not like a mentor to him but i am someone who was more advanced in comedy and but was a giant fan of Joey Diaz so I was like I just want to figure out a way where it can work for this guy because I know if this guy's is out there hustling and being crazy and doing coke it's just

it's gonna go off the rails like whatever I can do to and and I think it helped him that someone who was established, a guy who legitimately me, didn't give a fuck what he did. I wanted him to be wild. You let him be himself. I wanted him to be himself. Yeah, you loved it wilder than ever. I want him to be fun. I never cared about what went on.

I wanted fun for everybody. It was important for me that I be the only one. That's one of the biggest poisons ever with comics, be the only funny one. I'm the headliner. I'm the only one who kills, and you guys are doing too well, or you guys are doing too much time. For me, it was like, go have fun. We're here to party. This is a party.

I gave some point to Denver once when I just did way too long. It was just me and you, I think, but I did 44 minutes. And Red Band's like, dude, you did like 45 minutes. I was like, no, I did not. I just didn't realize. And he's like, you did. I'm like, there's no way. I did 44 minutes and Red Band's like dude you did like 45 minutes I was like no I did not just didn't realize and he's like you did I'm like there's no way

I did 25 or 30 but that's such a good club the comedy works and he goes I recorded it on video I can show you the starting point and the ending point

and he did and I was like oh fuck I've told you this before but I was like dude I'm so sorry that was way wrong he's like no

it didn't matter and I'm like no no I'm really sorry he goes no no it didn't matter I'm like no but I shouldn't do that you're like no no you killed and then i went up and killed so you haven't made a connection to me where it does actually matter doesn't matter we both killed why is it an issue if it goes off the rails one time and you go long like who gives a shit yeah it's not a consistent thing yeah it's just that the whole thing to all of us should be.

We know the process. Try some shit. Have fun. And the audience has a great time. That's what I all that's all I wanted. And like and to have also that stand up wasn't something that I had to do for money. Like stand up was almost like supplementing whether it was news radio money or fear factor money. It's like I had all this money that I could – my bills were – I was okay.

I didn't have to think about it. So I didn't worry about getting kicked out of clubs. I didn't worry about not getting booked. I'm like, so what? Like we're here to have fun. And we rolled through the entire country like that. And it worked. God, it was fun.

God damn, dude. We had the time of our lives. When you look back, if we look back as senior citizens at the fucking, the rare great times that we had consistently all across the country. The offstage stuff was stuff. Great. For me, onstage, I was getting more stage time than I would get in L.A. And I was getting this weird exposure to an actual good crowd where I could experiment with pausing. I wouldn't be afraid of losing a crowd.

Packed shows. You're doing a half hour consistently. Two shows a night. I was talking to Michelle. She just went to a Wolf. She just went to, I think, Comic Works for the first time. And I was like, oh, how is it? She goes, it's not fair.

They're laughing at setups. It's just too good. It doesn't make sense. I'm like, it's a is it she goes? It's not fair. They're laughing at setups. It's just too good It doesn't make sense. I'm like it's a victory lap You should enjoy it and then I remember like I think that might have been the first time I went with Brogan was and I Was doing so well that he's like, oh you're coming with me again. It was almost like Like it was unfair showcase, you know talk. Well, I already knew you were funny Yeah, that's why you asked me to go home in the first place

But like but I was like this is the perfect club for anybody to try out and because it's so set it's like a wind assisted 100 yard dash you know with heavy gusts of wind right it's almost like you have a sail yeah yeah yeah oh they were fun yeah we had a great fucking time dude but and it worked look i mean look how all the people that went with us whether it it's Diaz or Duncan or you or Segura, they're murdering now all over the country. Murdering. Doing quite well. If I was a talent scout, dude, I'd be 100%. No, you would not.

Think harder. Okay, let's not. Okay, yeah. I'm not going to say I was going to write down the names, but you know you're not 100%. Pretty goddamn close. You have a great percentage. The people that I wasn't 100% on, they failed themselves. Right, they also had the potential to be, and then it's on them.

Well, discipline is something that a lot of people lack, man. And it's very, very unfortunate. And we're seeing it right now, Bert Kreischer. You're behind by 1,000 points, motherfucker. Can I promote two days before we go? I'm doing a live reading with Danish and O'Neill in New York November 11th of the screenplay I wrote in college oh I've been hearing about this on your podcast

oh by the way your podcast on Sober October while you're walking around New York is god damn awesome I'm so angry I'm full of fucking withdrawal

so fucking hilarious thanks you're my favorite when you're angry angry Ari is my favorite Ari when you're so fucking furious

you're fucking that's my favorite Ari and then I got a European tour coming November and when you're so fucking furious. That's my favorite Ari. And then I got a European tour coming November. November 16th starts in Reykjavik and it ends December 9th in Zurich and all sorts of cities. So please check out ariethegreat.com for tickets. I'd love to see you out there.

Brussels, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, all sorts of places. Boom. And there's 10 more days, ladies and gentlemen. 10 more days. And then do that hair on. 10 more days and then we're going crazy. I can't wait for that.

November 5th will be the wrap-up show where someone besides Burt Kreischer will get that championship belt. I might go work out right now. I'm going to go work out right now. I have to. I have to. I have to twist a blade. All right. Bye, everybody.