The Joe Rogan Experience - Podcast in a Swedish Hotel Room

Episode Date: April 2, 2015

This episode is only available as audio. Joe and Tony Hinchcliffe recorded a podcast a few weeks ago while in Sweden after doing two shows of comedy. Tony Hinchcliffe is a comedian, writer, and actor. He also hosts his own podcasts called “Kill Tony” with Redban, and it’s available on Spotify under "Deathsquad" and at http://Deathsquad.tv

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Life Below Zero. Life Below Zero is one of my favorite TV shows. It's one of the few shows that I DVR. It's on the National Geographic channel, and it is a fucking excellent show. It's one of the few out of all those shows where they have those reality shows where people are living off the land that I don't detect even a whiff of fuckery. They don't have to, because the lives that these people live are so fascinating. The show follows seven inhabitants of the Alaskan wild

as they just try to survive up there. They have subsistence living. They all have their own way of doing it, but they're all battling the elements and they all have extreme elements that they're dealing with and isolated environments. And it is fucking amazing. Sue Akins, I had her on the podcast, just a huge fan of her. She's just such a powerful personality and such a survivor and just a really, really interesting woman and just really cool to be around too. It was really fun talking to her and having her on the podcast and talking to her

for a long period of time really just made me want to watch the show even more. So before Thursday, April 9th at 9pm, 8 central, that's when the new season of Life Below Zero starts. Check out the podcast with her on it and you'll want to watch it even more. It is a fucking amazing show. These guys are dealing with whiteout snowstorms, carnivorous monsters, and fucking waning supplies of resource. Each character knows. Each character. I say character, but they're fucking people.

These are real human beings. These are not like fake scenarios they have to deal with. No, they're like they're hunting for their own food. They have to chop their own firewood at below zero temperatures in the middle of the night just to stay alive. It's no joke. See what winter has in store for them on the new season of Life Below Zero, which starts Thursday, April 9th at 9 p.m. 8 central on the national geographic channel life below zero follows seven people as they battle the most necessity they battle i'll say that again this is the shit they have to they want me to read this is a part of the copy ladies and gentlemen uh it says life below zero follows

seven people as they battle for the most basic necessities in the northern desolate fringes of the Arctic. Some of them are lone wolves. Others have their families beside them. All must overcome despairing odds to brave the wild and survive through to the spring. See, I would never say that. This is what I would say. It's a fucking badass show about some people that live in a crazy environment. These are some really interesting, fascinating human beings that have decided that fuck cubicle life,

fuck living in packed cities. They want to live in nature. They want to live off the land. And the way they do it is, for whatever reason, is incredibly compelling. It's a great show. And it's really, really well done. So Life Below Zero, go check it out again it is on thursday april 9th at 9 p.m

8 center 8 center 8 central on the national geographic channel preparation is over this is the thing again preparation is over the onslaught of winter has arrived and every hour of every day until spring is a battle for survival. Not every hour. Sometimes you're taking naps. You got to take a shit. You got an outhouse. You know, it's things to do. These people are fascinating folks, though.

They really are. Not only with the challenges they face, but with the subjects themselves. This is one of the things that's really funny about this copy. Key takeaways we want consumers to get from our marketing for this season. Preparation time is over the onslaught of winter has arrived and every hour of every day until spring is a battle for survival these people are fascinating not only with the challenges they face but with this with but that they subject themselves to them voluntarily nat geo goes off the road to find even people even the people and stories that never intended to be found.

Okay, whatever. Just listen to me. It's a fucking dope show. Okay? It's a great show about real people who live in a really crazy part of the world. Sue Akins lives like hundreds of miles above the Arctic Circle. She lives this Kavik River camp. It's like 80 miles from the closest road.

She lives this Kavik River camp. It's like 80 miles from the closest road. She was living in, she has to live in these tents because these structures where they're at have to be temporary. She can't live in like, she can't build like a bulletproof house up there. So she lives in this like fucking cloth house. When she was living there, these wolves chased a grizzly bear and it slammed into her tent while they were fucking hunting a grizzly bear. And then they killed it like a hundred miles from where she or a hundred yards rather from where she sleeps. It's amazing. This same lady, Sue Akins, she was dragged from her bed by a grizzly bear, mauled and left for dead.

She got back to safety and then went back and killed that bear and ate it. It's a great show. National Geographic Channel, my friends. And it's called Life Below Zero. Go check it out. Thursday, April 9th, 9 p.m. 8 central. All right. That's way longer than it's supposed to be, but it's because I really like this show.

All right. That's it. Until then, my friends, enjoy the podcast. All right, well, this podcast we recorded January 24th, 2015, and it was me and Tony Hanchcliffe. We did two shows in Stockholm, Sweden, and then we went back and it was only like 7 o'clock L.A. time, so our bodies were all confused at the time change.

We just decided to do a podcast, and we did it using my phone. It came out all right. It was interesting. You really don't need to have a quiet room. You don't need such fancy equipment. You don't give a fuck about that. Here's what's important. It's me, Tony, in Stockholmholm sweden in a hotel room enjoy it

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day checkity check check ladies and, this is the first ever podcast done from a hotel by Tony Hinchcliffe and I in Stockholm, Sweden. This is it. This is number one. We've never done it before. First one ever. Shit is crazy. Might not be the last. This might be such a huge success that we come back to Stockholm, Sweden in a hotel just to make episode two. Just with an iPhone.

Like, poor equipment. If you like goddamn Joe Rogan, your audio quality has dropped off substantially. This is just a once in a blue moon freak incident. We just decided to do it tonight because we had so much fun. And our time is all fucked up. Like, it's 5 p.m for us but it's 2 a.m here and we just did two shows in stockholm so we're so confused like at least i am time wise it's my first time in uh europe scandinavia so we flew here yesterday and then

my body's super confused and we just did two shows yeah it was amazing man it was really um surprising how like they knew so much about what we were talking about like you didn't have to change anything it's insane but the only things that were different were i thought they wouldn't understand like uh references and the things that I was talking about, the only thing that was different that I wasn't prepared for was just how hard they listen. They listen so hard that it seems like they're not laughing that hard. They clap more than North American audiences and they laugh less. Well, they have more patience, too. And I also think, like, on the first set at least,

you seemed, like, a little uncomfortable with the politeness. Yeah. You're, like, used to the Comedy Store, which has zero crowd control. Yeah. You know? They're very, like, respectful of the art form out here. Yes. It's not a bunch of sloppy monsters staring at their phones

and getting up over and over again to go to the bathroom back and forth. Everybody's so distracted. What I'm used to to actually have a captive audience is priceless. Yeah, that's actually interesting, isn't it? We're almost like we're too wealthy with entertainment, especially in L.A. I found that there's a difference between performing in la and performing in pasadena i mean pasadena the audiences are more attentive more into it they're just they're more excited that you're there or as

an ally like whatever i was just a comedy juice okay i saw chris d'alia kill oh my god jeff ross the roast master came down down. It was awesome. Yeah. I Instagrammed the whole thing. Earlier in the day when you're hugging, you know, a Transformer and Spider-Man, it's hard to follow that up with anything stand-up comedy-wise. Like, they've already been starstruck by the biggest stars. Well, it's that for sure, but it's also they're just over it.

Yeah. You know, people in L.A. There's one benefit of being famous in L.A., especially my level of fame, nobody gives a shit about you. It's like if you're in Columbus, Ohio, and you're Jeff Ross, you probably walk down the street and people start freaking out. Holy shit, it's the fucking Rose Master. Exactly.

But if Jeff Ross is on Melrose, people go, hey, what's up, man? It's way easier to accept that you see him there. That's true. It's a different, like, it's a different, but subsequently, it's like the audiences, I think, especially at the Comedy Store, are way more over it. I fucking love being back at that place, man. Yeah, it's a fun time there right now.

There's a lot happening. It's going to be interesting to see how everything develops with so much happening. Yeah, yeah. It's really a hop in place. There's a lot of energy in that joint. I always knew that, but the energy is different. It's different from when I was there. It's better.

It really has gotten better. It's different from when I was there. It's better. It really has gotten better. It's like more positive, right? Yeah. Yeah, way more. Way more positive, way more. It seems like the comics are just, there's more artists there than there have ever been before. There's more people like that roast battle thing. Those people that are taking these big, crazy chances.

There's just, it's a different sort of thing. It's's a different sort of thing like the kind of comedy that you're seeing out of there it's just as young like energetic it's like a it's a mind of its own and it's almost it seems like like the the crazy almost aggressively rebellious nature of the comics at the store, it seems like this creative, aggressive, sort of rebellious nature is born out of the repression of that, that we're getting more now than ever before from the internet. Like more people are complaining about jokes, more people are complaining about the kind of comedy that people do than ever before. So I think that when you see something like that, when you see that kind of repression that you see like with the Tracy Morgan thing and the Daniel Tosh thing, people look for like what the progressives would call a safe space. And the Comedy Store is a safe space for psychopaths. It's like it's the last bastion of free speech and comedy in la like the a real crazy place where the comics bring each other up

you know yeah it's really insane i don't think people actually know what happens there like i think that they think that it's like their typical comedy club, but maybe everybody's better, like the three-person shows that they're used to seeing at a different place. But it's like, I don't know. It's really hard. There's nothing else like it in any other art form. Like you can't go to a rock concert and see Aerosmith and then ACDC and then Van Halen.

Aerosmith and then ACDC and then Van Halen and then it's a lineup of the very best of everybody 16 comics doing 15 minutes each like that's crazy and people stay sometimes through the whole thing

9 to 2 and that's amazing and they have a blast when they do when they start with the opener and they finish with Don Barris and they have their mind blown left and right everywhere in between. Those are the happiest people. Yeah, if you've got that kind of comedy endurance, you can see a goddamn hell of a show. One after the other. I mean, I've seen some nights there where you have seven or eight killers in a row.

Yeah. It's awesome. It's never been better. Man, when I got there, the place was dead and it was negative and every person that worked there was negative it was a bad situation this was in 2007 yeah bad situation none of those guys are there anymore well the only one that's there that was there when I got there is doc Willis and Doc's always been there. He's always been there. He's always been a good dude.

Yeah. Yeah, that was all post-Mencia. That was all like the darkness. And he used to come in, and it was disgusting. I could not believe it. I could not believe it. It was the one thing that crushed my little heart when I realized that that was...

Oh. Did it fall down? Yeah. When I realized that that's what was happening was that Carlos had free reign. Like, he could walk in and just bump people and do whatever he wanted. Well, when people are famous, they let the comedy store for the longest time let people bump people. But, you know, they're starting to realize that that's not necessary. Like, everybody calls in. I know Maren calls that's not necessary. Like, everybody calls in.

I know Marin calls in. I call in. Callan calls in. Like, people that probably could bump people, they don't. Bobby Lee calls in, you know. You don't have to bump, man. And his thing was he would get off on it. Yeah.

It's unfortunate, you know. It was unfortunate for a bunch of reasons, but that's not even important. What's important is that it's rebounded. Yeah, it's completely fixed, and that's what's crazy. How did it turn around? Like, when did it really start to turn around? How many years ago? Probably about three or four years ago.

It started getting, maybe even five, it started because, you know, the guys were just crushing you know all of a sudden like you know he didn't have the specials yet like we're seeing it all popping now for like an ari shafir who was the only guy at the you know like a 10 15 10 30 back then but it was a good like building crop of like ari shaf Ran Azizi, like all these guys were starting to get TV confidence and, you know, money and gigs and they were turning it up to their next level. And now, you know, it's just gotten better. So like the younger guys saw them killing it and then they raised their own game up

too. Right, exactly. Because we all knew that Ari and Ran Azizi and, you know, like Steve Simone's another one. All these guys, you know, they were all working there. Not when I got there. Ari was a couple years out and Steve was just done. And I think Simone was still working there when I got there. I'm not positive on that. Maybe he just was done too.

But we knew that, like, they worked there. And we saw them. We just got there and we could barely do three or five minutes of anything good. But you see these guys who you know were just sitting on the same stool that you're checking IDs on. And they are crushing all of a sudden. And we watched them. Another thing is that Tommy, the former talent coordinator, took it really slow with everybody.

So you'd watch them get frustrated. Even like Brody, he worked Brody to the bone, man. He would put Brody up at the very end next to Don Barris all the time, even though Brody and Don would get into these crazy arguments. They hated each other. And Tommy would purposefully put them there. And I think it, crazy enough, I think it really helped Brody. He got to take a real beat to death crowd and revive it, you know?

Well, Mitzi, that was one of her things that she would do. She would take people that didn't like each other and she'd put them next to each other, back to back. I love it. It's such a mindfuck. I think it's kind of still going on i see that sometimes i see lineups i'm like oh that looks like it's on purpose oh yeah like i think they still oh it's absolutely still going still in this i had it i had it happen to me last week i see two guys like i don't think those people like each other and they're going back to back yeah that that's there's no place like that man there's no place like that yeah it's um it's cool and i think it also coincides with the uh advent of the

podcast it seems like when comics started adopting podcasts or or starting uh uh starting podcasts and um it became like a thing like tom because it's a Christina Bozinski and Ari and Joey and Duncan and you and all these podcasts that all these guys had. It seems like when those things started happening, people also start talking a lot about how awesome the store is. Like it would come up a kind of recurring theme. So it seems like now – like I've been blown away by how good the audiences are. I'm like this is amazing amazing like this audience is amazing yeah like they're they're they're really smart they're on top of shit and they're fun you know and they're really comedy fans like they're enjoying the fact that they're lucky

enough to be in a town where you get to see all these guys work out like you could drop in one night and you know you could just see five six guys that you you know really enjoy and you see weird stuff like like seeing Brody do those closing spots my god Brody closed in the main room like two weeks ago and I took some photos and I put it up on my Instagram he was fucking on fire and it was like effortless it was all effortless you know talking about like his neighborhood you know wearing like in your you're howling laughing you got it balboa and recita don't mess with me i'm here in spirit yeah push he just i'm not doing him any justice like i can't remember all the shit that he talked about but i remember like saying like wow if i was just like

a guy who had come here from out of town who was a comedy fan and i got a chance to watch something like that like man you just saw this huge show and then at the end of the show brody stevens does an hour of almost entirely improvised in the moment stand up he'll jump right out of jokes and start playing chair drums they'll yell at the guy up in the in the yeah he'll yell at the sound guy that just to play the right track or next one next one he's like improvising completely on the spot yeah he's something special man his those late night spots are something special they're they're really important like if you're a fan of like just chaotic comedy moments where

like it doesn't seem like it should be really happening yeah like going and watching brody close at the store it's like it's something just it's so unique because it's like this free form thing like you know he's gonna pull it off because he pulled it off all the time because he does so much warm-up for tv shows like brody has this really unique style and a lot of people might not know but he he makes his living primarily uh not just as a stand-up and not just doing movies but as a warm-up guy for shows so like for sports shows and for chelsea handler he did it for a long time he did it for the man show when when i worked on the man show he was the guy that we used and he's awesome and now he does

it on at midnight four nights a week yeah so being so loose like doing that all the time fucking around with people and and warming up the crowd and keeping everybody laughing you have to be so free form so he's so good at extracting comedy out of nothing or anything or as far as a premise like out of nowhere he can extract some hilarious shit. He knows the perfect ridiculous shit to say. It's just his mind is like really like in shape for that kind of comedy. Yeah. He's just such a goofball. Yeah.

It's just only a matter of time before he's about to say the next funniest thing. It was so fun, man. It was so fun. It was me and one of the door guys and you know maybe like 40 people left maybe 40 people left out of like what is the main room seat when it's packed 250 or something three four but closer to four four okay so it's packed and it gets down to you know whatever it was 40 50 people whatever not even 50s it wasn't even 50 it was scattered. And Brody's just slaying, slaying. I mean, we're crying. Employees are coming in from the kitchen. People are hearing about how hard he's slaying. So people are coming in to stand by the doorway to watch him and he's

murdering. It was just so fun. It made me really appreciate stand up again. I mean, not that I didn't, not that I ever stopped, but it was a sort of a re-ignition. Well, that's the best stuff is getting, you know, really inspired. Like it's a, if I watch, I can't even like watch Bill Burr's new special or, you know, it's like, it's just too much for me. Two minutes is enough. What bothers you? No, it it's just i just don't even you know i get it like it's the the it's just so you know smart that it's like fuck i just need to

get to work it immediately just makes me want to work right so you can't even enjoy it right can't enjoy you just want to get away from it and run exactly yeah i know that feeling yeah you got us not um it's there's a there's a thing that every uh guy does um some girls too should say every person who's like really competitive and you're obviously really competitive you get into comedy um where they start comparing themselves to other people so hard's so hard not to. And it's good if you use it like you're using it because you're saying, you know, I am just going to go fucking right now. Instead of being, fuck that guy. That's a bad thing, man.

I've seen that fuck that guy thing that guys will do when someone's kicking ass. I've seen people say it about really nice guys. I'm like, oh, man, you can't say that about him. He's really good. He's a about him. He's really good. He's a good guy. He's a good comic. Like things are happening for him because he's – oh, it's fucking this and that. OK.

You need to take that same laser-guided missile of reason and criticism and look at your own act. OK. You'll find some shit in there that's not so good either, dude. Right. You'll find some shit in there that's not so good either, dude. Since when is a guy working on something? That's something that drives me crazy. Like, yeah, he's working on some new material. He's bombing.

Oh, guess what? That's what happens when you work on new material, dude. Sometimes you don't know. You have no idea. You're trying some shit out. If you want to compare yourself while you're up there doing this stuff that you know is going to work over and over again because you've done it over and over again with some guy who comes in who just happens to be more successful than you, but he's working on new stuff all the time. A lot of times it's bumping. People get mad if a guy comes in and bumps, like some big-name guy from the road you know but I think that it's like

we go far too long without recognizing like what what's empowering and what fucks you and what fucks you is jealousy jealousy fucks you it just does but it can also be empowering like as long as you that jealousy is like like I told you when you wrote that Bill Cosby joke i got jealous i really did like not jealous like fucking tony hinchcliffe but i went like oh i wish i thought of that like i was happy at the same time like i love watching you kill and i think you're a fucking brilliant comic but i was like oh that's a good one that's a goddamn good one and i also recognize like oh there's a mine in there there's like a goddamn gold mine of material.

So that kind of like, it's not even jealousy. It's like, it's admiration plus inspiration. Yeah. So it like gets you thinking like, oh, I should have come up with that. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah. And it's the same thing with you all the time. But like I can, you know what I mean?

Like the way I look at it is I already have you and you know, and I also do the road with Jeff Ross and both of you guys kick out, you know, it's, those are my two, both sides of my sense of humor lie within, you know, away the two of you, you know, like you have these deep, uh, fun, sometimes dark sometimes dark sometimes light but like introspective like stand up stand up you know jeff just rattles off amazing jokes like sort of more old school you know and uh and so like when i when i see any of like in especially, here's what I'm getting at. The epitome of it is Chappelle. I could sit there and watch Chappelle with my jaw dropped for the entire thing.

People say, oh, he shouldn't do three or four hours. I've seen him do it, and I've seen people just love it. And I've seen the room get more and more packed, yet not many people leaving as he does it. Yeah, they find out he's there. Right. People go, oh, I can't believe he does four hours. Who wants to watch that long? Well, I've seen it.

And it's like a lot of people. A lot of people, if it's Dave Chappelle, they want to watch that long. And he's that good. It is nasty. I just read an article where, what was it? I think it was Kevin Hart or Chris Rock, one of the two. That sounds racist that I would get them confused.

How dare you? They're both promoting movies. How dare you? They're both promoting the same movie, too, that Top 5. Is that what it's called? Wedding Ringer. Oh, that's Kevin Hart's movie. Yeah, they're both promoting two different movies.

But one of them mentioned that. It's like they watch Chappelle, and they're just like, holy fucking shit. And it's so inspirational. Yeah. It's really. And Chappelle is. He's like the epitome. Which, by the way, is probably no coincidence that Bill Burr is the way that he is because you watch Chappelle's show, and you see him all throughout it.

You could tell that they were friends and that obviously Bill was working with Dave. So what are the odds how could that be coincidence that the guy one of the guys that was closest to dave's crazy valve of inspiration could be bill burr who rose to be blatantly one of you know the top comics in the world yeah i think some of my most uh inspired moments have come from watching uh chappelle to the store like back the day, back when I was still there, he would drop in and fucking light that place on fire. Was that before the Chappelle show? No, it was post. Because I did the Chappelle show way back in the day, man.

I did the Chappelle show. I think I was in town just to do stand-up. I think it was before the show had ever aired. I forget why I was in New York, but I was in town just to do stand-up I think it was the before the show it ever aired I forget why I was in New York but I was walking on the street and I ran into Dave and he had a fake mustache on I was like what are you doing man he goes hey Joe Rogan you want to be in my new show and I go well I've only got like an hour but yeah like yeah I'll hang with you for an hour so for an hour I I had this box of pins on it that said, like, best New York boobs.

And we walked around, and Dave Chappelle, with a fake mustache on, would just go up to a woman and go, you got some great New York boobs. This is Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor. And I'd be like, hello. This is Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor. And I'll be like, hello. I stood there with a box and followed Dave around as Dave was just hilarious with this fake mustache on. And then I did it again in the future.

I think it was like season two or whatever it was. How many seasons did they do? They only did two? So season two was the Fear Factor episode where it was Tyrone Biggums. That's right. And he got in the thing with the worms. Or he ate the worms. He was excited.

And then he laid down in the pit with the snakes like he was cozy. I think he laid down with worms. I don't remember what he laid down with. But it was like, y'all turn the light out. Oh, that's right. You want to get some sleep. This ain't the first time I taste penis, Joe Rogan. Am I a lot of work?

Hot sauce? Oh, that's what's crazy is that that show was so funny. And it was all improvised. That whole, all that shit. I mean, he had some jokes. There was definitely some jokes that were already there, but there was a lot of improvisation, a lot of fucking around. Yeah. He was just trying trying and he stayed in character

like all the time like he was I was there with my friend Eddie Bravo and it was right after Eddie Bravo had choked out Hoyler Gracie so it was 2003

right and he kept saying Horst Gracie like he kept saying the wrong name like I said to Hoyler man you choked out Horst Gracie and we would be laughing because he was like I said to Hoyler. Man, you talked out. Horst Gracie.

And we would be laughing because he was doing it like ass Tyrone Biggums. Yeah. You know? But yeah, I think Burr also, and he definitely benefited from that. But Burr, his style epitomizes the style that we saw, like the best style in Boston. Like guys that you've probably never seen do stand-up, like Don Gavin and Steve Sweeney and Kenny Rogerson and Mike Donovan and Lenny Clark.

Murderers. I know about Lenny Clark. Murderers. Dude, I'm telling you, when they're in their prime, I've seen the strongest sets I've ever seen from people who are not worldwide known. How did they not get famous? They stayed in Boston. They stayed in Boston and they did a lot of Boston material, especially Steve Sweeney.

Steve Sweeney was a motherfucker, dude. I mean, you know what they used to do? I've told this story before, so if you've heard this, I so apologize, but just for the interest of educating young Tony. In Boston, they would set you up where, like, say if you were Billy Crystal and you were going to come in and headline Nick's Comedy Stop, they would sandwich you. You would be the top slice of bread after they had gone through every great comic in town. Like, I mean, these guys would just go up and devastate. And they were hungry. They were hungry and they were mean.

And they would just smash. And they would do it on purpose. And they would set these guys up. Like they would put on Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, and then they would throw up some guy that was on television. Some guy from some sitcom that had no business. And the disaster horror stories they would hear about guys trying to headline Nick's Comedy Stop

after these murderers. I mean, it was funny to them. They would do it on purpose. They would have Kenny Rogerson, Steve Sweeney, and Don Gavin, and it would just be death, destruction, death, destruction. And you would go on stage, and the audience kind of was in on it because they had seen it happen so many times before and they would give you a couple minutes if you didn't grab them quick and if you didn't have that style like that Boston attack styles and

attacking energetic powerful style and that is what bill in my opinion bill Bilber corner he embodies that like he's like the perfect, like if I said, what's Boston-style comedy? Bill Burr. Bill Burr is the perfect Boston-style comic. Why do you think those guys stayed in Boston? It's a good question, man. You think it was? It's a good question.

I mean, it's so close to New York, right? How far of a subway trip is that? It's that big fish thing, man. It's that big fish thing. But weren't they all still competing to be the big fish anyway? They could have probably been one of the bigger fishes in New York. No, no, no. I mean they weren't getting all the respect that they felt they deserved from television.

A lot of those guys hadn't had TV sets. Or if they did have TV sets. Another problem is if they did a TV set in New York or in LA, a lot of their local humor didn't work. And a lot of their murderous jokes were like local jokes. And like Ari Shaffir said something once we were talking about comedy and we're talking about the creation of new bits and how guys, um,

have, you know, like sometimes guys have a hard time letting go of their old act and they, they keep like wanting to like add taglines to a bit that's already on special. And he's like, but you're using up creativity. Yeah, you might be able to make that joke better. But you're using up creativity that you could have put on all these other new jokes that you had and then you would have a whole new act. So these guys, what they did is they took jokes and they hammered them down like a samurai sword over years and they

did the same act over and over and over again but they got undeniably skillful they got murderously skillful but a lot of it was local and it never it didn't change it much you know they just kept doing the same sets over and over and over again and they never did sets that you could do like in new york and have the same sort of reaction that you have in Boston. Bill did. Bill was different than those guys. Bill left. He went to New York.

He did a lot of TV. He did Chappelle's show and all that other stuff, a lot of other things. And then he became like a national comic, like a true national comic. His material was you could bring him to Pittsburgh, he would murder. You bring him to Fort Lauderdale, he would murder. He murders everywhere. But he's got that style. It's like a Boston style of comedy.

I love it. It's my favorite style. Yeah. It's definitely very rapid fire and one punchline coming right after the other. And he goes for it. He's got crazy physical bits. He's just being the funniest guy he can be. And he also has that sort of Boston attitude of like working hard and not wanting to fuck his fans over and just constantly doing new shit.

And so that ethic, that becomes contagious for guys that are around him. Like all of us, I think we all benefit from all the other guys around us kicking ass. I benefit from Ari kicking ass. Like Ari is kicking so much ass right now. I get excited for him. Like his new show that this is not happening, like to see that. That guy started that fucking show up in that little room at the improv

that doesn't even exist anymore. And there was like 12 people in the audience. And he did that five years ago. This storyteller show idea that he had. And then from then he just kept doing it. And I did one of the way early ones, man. Way early ones. And then to see that become

what it eventually became and then to see it on television and then Ari doing it right after he had his Comedy Central special. I mean, he's just fucking on fire. Yeah. And then Ari doing it right after he had his Comedy Central special. I mean, he's just fucking on fire. Yeah. He's unstoppable right now, which is amazing for me to watch. That's what's up, man.

That's what's up. Yeah. That's going to happen to you, too. It's going to happen to everybody if you just keep going. You just have to keep working at it, you know? Look, you can go back and find some of my shit online. It's terrible. You know, there's stuff that I have from, like, 1990 whatever the hell. It's awful. That you did on TV? Yeah, my shit online. It's terrible. You know, there's stuff that I have from like 1990,

whatever the hell. It's awful. That you did on TV? Yeah, it's online. There's like a bit that I just saw the other day that someone must have recorded in the audience where I was just fucking around, trying to work out new material.

It was like right after I just released a comedy CD. And it's like, ugh. I watched it the other day. I was like, ugh, yucky, was like yucky it was like from 2000 like you know but that's all that's important because like it's good for all of us to know that it's it's a process you know and to see a guy go through the process and come out the other side and be like like ari is right now it's just on fire. It's just so cool. It's just, and I love that with everything, man.

I love that with like a guy who's like really good at making tables. You know, I like that shit. I love cars. Like when people build cars or pool cue makers.

I love looking at their old stuff where it sucked and then seeing their new stuff where they got it nailed. Like I like it. It's something like super satisfying to me about progress i guarantee you you know even like michael keaton i'm sure he looks at something like bird man even though beetlejuice is beetlejuice and it's made him a lot of money he's got to look at it like oh man you know really you think so maybe it's different for actors it's a terrible

example i'll go with multiplicity instead but yeah i definitely think it's different for actors but i think the i think ones maybe like keaton and tom hanks i don't know the guys who make me feel like they take it very seriously like i'll bet you they look at their a lot of their yeah you know what though you're so right it's so different with actors because there's so many other people that you have to depend on when making a film to make it good. Yeah, there's a bunch of other people that wrote stuff. You're just doing what they wrote and there's all these producers and executives. Have you ever been on a movie set and watched all the bullshit that goes on? Not really.

It can be rough. There's a lot of people wanting to change things and a lot of pulling and pushing, and everybody's an expert. I watched this guy once. He's a dude who, I forget his name, is Dave something or another. He had a show out or a movie out, and he was a first-time actor. He had done a couple small roles, but this was the first time he was starring in a movie. And these guys came in, and they had produced some Adam Sandler shows.

And they're giving this kid line readings. They're telling him exactly how to do it. And I'll never forget this, because this guy was in this super expensive suit. He had this beautiful Rolex. He had suspenders like he had like a tailored like sweet fucking suit okay and like this super expensive wardrobe i mean the guy was obviously wealthy like he looked like like a king's wardrobe uh person had dressed him you know what I mean like he was wearing like some really expensive shit to just arrived a set Mm-hmm honest that yeah, it was a you know some super producer character super executive at this

And he's given these line readings like don't know go like you open the door And he's just like thought and the guy was acting it out He was acting it out, and you could see like every time he did it like stole a piece of this kid's soul this kid who's a professional comedian has to watch this guy with a rolex and cufflinks he had cufflinks like very expensive cufflinks like a very nice tailored shirt wow yeah and it was like he had to do exactly what the executive oh dude he he was doing these like spit takes like he was doing this like you what chat oh my god and the kid had to do it how they told him to do it and as the um filming went on i was in a couple scenes

and as the filming went on i could see them fucking with them more and more and you know there was like all these power struggles and there's script struggles and there was all this, like, shit that's going on back and forth, you know, trying to, like, figure out whether or not this scene's going to make the final cut. This scene is going to fuck with us because we're going to get a PG-17 or an R or whatever the fuck it is. You know, instead of a PG-13, we're going to get an R.

Like, we can't have an R. There was some jerk-off scene and they couldn't do the jerk-off scene. It was so stupid, man. The arguments and the discussions were so crazy. I was like, you can't do one until you become an Adam Sandler. Or if you get super lucky

and you're on a movie that's awesome, like sitcom, like news radio, I stumbled onto that show. Really? I just stumbled on it and all of a sudden I'm on a show that's really awesome. How did you get it? I just auditioned. Wow. So right place, right time.

I had been on another show that was getting canceled right when NBC is filming the pilot and then I get a development deal with NBC. It was like perfect timing. Wow. So I walked into something that had already been created. The pilot had already been done. I just sort of stumbled in. But unless you get that, unless you get a sweet spot like that on a sitcom or on a movie, most of the time you're in these stifled positions where whatever you have that's funny in you,

it's like they don't know you yet. Especially like there's no audience. You're not killing in front of an audience. You're doing it in front of a bunch of executives, and they're in the video village, and they're like, I don't like how he's doing this scene. I don't like how he's doing this scene. He's got to be, he's got to have more, more anger.

He's mad. I mean, the guy came in, the guy took his pizza. He's fucking mad, right? Let's try it again. Tell him to be mad. Tell him to be mad. And the director will go out there and go, they think you should be more mad. Fuck them, man.

No, listen. Just let's try it one time their way. Right. And it's these conversations. Like, come on, man. I can't be any more mad than I'm mad. Like, you know, we've all heard those, like, hidden recordings. And that's all before it even goes to the editing bay and some other guy has a complete yep you know yeah they snip things and

change scenes by you know you enter into in the middle to make it more different and sometimes a director can make an amazing cut and it turns a movie into something way more compelling like some directors are just fucking wizards at that shit as long as the executive at the cufflinks doesn't walk in and start telling the editor what to do i just think that as a comedian as a comic as someone is trying to make someone laugh the more people you have telling you how to do it the less likelihood you have of success yeah yeah with the, it's all about the, as far as the person being able to maximize how funny they are, it's all about the individual form of,

the individual opinion and form of expression. It's like the individual's point of how he delivers it. Everybody's got a different thing. And I hate to use the Mitch Hedberg analogy, but it's always my favorite analogy. Because his material, a lot of it just wouldn't work with anybody else. And if you told him that he had to do his act like Gilbert Gottfried, or he had to do his act like Dice Clay, or he had to do his act like marlon wayans it's not going to be the same like you got to do it as him and if mitch headberg doesn't get freedom in space that never happens you get too many people coming along and that happened with him man on the road before he became famous they would pair him up with the most

ridiculous middle acts because when you run the like nobody, very few people in the beginning get to pick who they work with. You know, you're like, hey, they want you to headline. You're going to be at the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. Holy shit, I can't believe it. I'm going to fucking headline. Woo-hoo. And then you go down there and they got a black dude who lights his dick on fire and does cartwheels to fucking R&B music. And, you know, fucks the ground and throws

rose petals in the air and takes his shirt off. Crushing. Crushing. The crowd's just applauding and yelling. Crushing. You're trying to look over your notes before this big headlining set you just flew across the country. This guy is annihilating.

All you can hear are roars rolling through the walls. And you know you don't have a joke like that in your entire headlining 45 minutes to an hour. What's that thing that dudes do where they bounce their dick off the ground and they bounce like a worm? Oh, the worm. The worm. He's doing that across the stage. He's doing that across the stage. And they are losing their fucking minds.

They're losing their minds. You know that's like my least favorite thing, though. It's the hardest thing for me to follow is bad comedy. I have a real trouble with it. The bad comedy that works because it makes me hate the audience. It makes me go, oh, you're going to laugh at that guy doing the worm? Well, then you're a dumb crowd. So I don't even want you to enjoy my jokes.

It's like the biggest. I psych myself out. That's another. It takes it back to what I was saying earlier. Like Tommy used to do that on purpose. I must have told him or I must have told one of the guys that, you know, I have a weak spot that is I can't follow hacks, but I can't follow hacks.

That's like my Achilles heel. I'll go up after. I'm not afraid of anything. I followed Diaz numerous times at the Ice House, which is like, you know, that's pretty much, pound for pound, like the hardest person to follow. You know, you've taken him on the road with you. Like he's an absolute destroyer. I don't know if it, the hardest person to follow. You know, you've taken him on the road with you. Like, he's an absolute destroyer.

I don't know if it's the hardest person to follow, but I'm saying, like, one of the hardest people to follow. And I love it. I love being the guy that's different after a Joey Diaz. You know what I mean? Like, changing up the pace and making it my own thing. But to follow somebody who just got... If they were getting the type of laughs Joey Diaz got

by doing bullshit and pandering crap, it makes me hate them. I go up there. This is an audio-only podcast, unfortunately. I wish you could see your face when you said, I'm curious. I turned into Gollum on that one. Sneak around me.

But it's true. There's nothing worse than somebody doing a hack. You know, like I'm going up there, like you said, right now I'm working on a, I got a six or seven minute long Cosby bit. That's not easy to write a Cosby bit where you're trying to convince the audience to jump on your side and take a pro-Cosby stance. Not to mention take a pro-Cosby stance,

but have them laughing about it. You know what I mean? That's now rolling into a pro-Michael Jackson stance where I end up saying that the little boy that blew a load in his mouth should be... Don't give away your jokes. I was going to give it away.'t give away your jokes, man. I was going to give it away.

Don't give away your fucking jokes, man. Don't do it. Nobody's... Don't ever do it. Never? Don't ever, no. Don't ever give away your punchlines. It's too good.

That one's too good. Okay. And it's integral to the piece. But my point is that I work on writing crazy, edgy... That's what I really love. It's like trying to take a dark topic topic and how do i make that like something that people go i can't believe i'm laughing about this like that's the most fun thing to me like they mentioned something to me after the show actually

you know somebody's like i'm surprised you don't have a bit about the guy from germany who raised his two daughters in his basement until they were 18 and had sex with them and babbity-bob. I go, Jesus, you know, I should have a bit about that. That sounds like my kind of thing. Like, that's the kind of homework that I like is having a target of like, how do I take that? How do I paint that picture of what happened? And then how do I find that angle? I wanted to write a Cosby joke the second I saw it, but it took a while for me to have the angle that I have that led to everything else. And, you know, but my point is to follow somebody who's talking about fucking... Nothing, nonsense.

Yeah, who's doing some goofy act out or talking about anything that's super duper easy. Well, it makes you disrespect. Well, you don't actually disrespect, but you don't respect the comic either. Yeah. And then my problem I have is when I see something that's not funny, I forget what is funny. Like I need to see funny things to to laugh like to feel like there's humor in things like i i enjoy comedy you know and i'm a i'm a fan of watching it and and when when it's not there i get confused like when i'm like well this is like it's not even funny like what the

fuck is everybody laughing at and i'm like i gotta get out of here like it fucks with my head yeah to the point where i don't know like what funny is anymore or i get like really like like freaked out at the fact that it's that easy to make people laugh like what am i doing then like yeah like why are they they're laughing at me i'm judging them but they're laughing at me too and another fun fact is that i can't help myself sometimes if i end up because I'll end up self imploding after the pandering guy goes up so then I'll end up saying it if they still suck and they're not with me 10 minutes in

12 minutes in into a 15 minute set you know what I'd do? I'll go you guys are fucking stupid you were laughing at the worm thing you know what I mean? I'll tell them I don't even give a fuck I won't call out the comedian before but i'll mention the one little bits of the door guy and the cover booth guy you know what i mean maybe a buddy in the back hears me but it's not their

fault they suck you know it's like we were talking about before like you know when you started or when i started you know or when you're working on new stuff or when you're taking chances like there's times when you're going to suck. But if that guy sucks and he's killing, it's disconcerting. And for those of you listening, there's not actually a comedian who does the worm. Oh, yes, there is. I've seen guys do the worm. I've seen more than one guy do the worm.

No way. Fuck yeah. In Boston or here? New York. I saw a guy in New York. I've seen guys in L.A. do all kinds of crazy physical shit. There was a bunch of guys that were trying to make something happen at the comedy store in the 90s, and were doing all kinds of wacky physical shit on stage,

bringing out props. If I saw a guy doing the worm at the comedy store, I swear to God I'd go over to the breakers and I'd shut up all the electricity. All of a sudden the sound and lights would just be out and you would just hear some guy flopping on a wooden stage in front of everybody. Okay, but don't you think there's a guy who might come up with a bit that's perfect for the worm, where it's an imperative part of a hilarious bit?

And he could be making fun of that asshole who goes out on the dance floor and does that. It could be, without a doubt, that could be funny. I could see Brent Ernst killing with the worm. Tell me he couldn't. Tell me he couldn't. You remember that bit that he used to do about roller skating? That's a fucking hilarious bit. It's all totally acted out.

I could see him doing the worm. Matter of fact, I might have seen him doing the worm. I bet he's done it. Let's call him. I feel like I have seen him. I think he might have the worm bit. He might have done the worm, man. He might have done it.

He might have done it with that roller skater guy. It might have been a part of that bit. Yeah. It may have been. But even if it was or it wasn't, it was neither here nor there. If he did it, it was probably really funny. It's true.

It's true. I feel like Brett Ernst might be one of the only guys that could pull off a Good the Worm bit now that you mention it. You know? Well, having a good level of comedy in your town, I think is fucking, is fucking real important. But now that the internet's around, it's like those towns are spreading.

You're having good levels. There's little scenes that are popping up all over the place. There's a scene in South Florida, dude. There's a comedy scene in South Florida. They're all over the place. When I did Denver, you want to talk about a scene where, you know, having good comedians around you pushes you. That was one of those situations where the guy

before me wasn't, wasn't pandering and wasn't, wasn't bad at all. He was great. He was just a great young comic who I've never seen before

and hadn't heard of and wasn't really expecting. You know? What's his name? Do you remember? Unfortunately, I don't don't see if you can find it on your phone yeah give him give him his props yeah give him his prop was you know like nashville's that spot for country music people they go there and you're surrounded by all this young hungry talent and you've seen these guys that are doing these bar shows and they're fucking murdering it. I know quite a few people that have journeyed

to Nashville. Some have moved there. I know some musicians too, like my friends from Honey Honey. They were living in Nashville. Nashville is truly one of my favorite cities anywhere. Do you ever do zanies yeah

fucking awesome did it once like three years ago absolutely fell in love was amazed at the fact that like everybody and the staff was hanging out beautiful two-story and deep club yeah green room right next to the stage you know it's just perfect it's perfect yeah those clubs like the punchline atlanta same thing you know that you ever do that spot no i've never been the same kind of setup almost exact same kind of setup there's just these killer fucking perfect old school comedy clubs you know those are like the backbone of those communities and neighborhoods. Like in cities, rather. If you're in somewhere like San Francisco or somewhere like Atlanta,

you need a place like that. You need one of those clubs that just has the local scene in it. When those local scenes die, man, that's fucking sad as shit. I think as comics, man, we should really like try as hard as we can to keep those places open. It's like, you know, everybody always talks about like organic groceries and shit like that. Like, oh, you got to keep these mom and pop shops open and keep these, you know, these goddamn Walmarts are moving in. He wants like the small farmer organizations and like things that represent the working class folks or the middle class folks. They don't have a giant corporation behind them. And that's like these mom and pop comedy clubs.

Mom and pop comedy clubs, whether it is the Punchline in San Francisco, which is know it's kind of a part of like Cobbs and those other it's kind of a part of a big chain now but even so like keeping that club there is really important like for stand up the Punchline in Sacramento keeping that club there is really important

for stand ups you know these little small clubs that the life blood of the whole the art form nationwide like without them god man like how many fucking how many less comics would there be if there wasn't the comedy works how in denver how many less comics would there be cubs yeah god damn it there'd be so many less comics like you need those fucking clubs they're they're like it's like not having a gym and being a fighter like god where am i gonna train now but worse because you can kind of like

put together a building and start training in it with your friends if you have some talented friends you know about fighting but if you're a comic you need a fucking audience man and you need an audience that's not going to be assholes going to let you do your shit like tonight you know this audience tonight was like this amazing attentive really cool intelligent audience yeah my mind was blown at how different they were like i guess i just didn't realize that i've sort of in a way been performing for assholes for the last eight years like doing stand-up pretty much every night what i've been doing it's like finding out that it's like playing basketball in america on a 10 foot hoop and then you come over here and it's like wait it's a nine foot hoop it's just a nine foot hoop yeah i can really fucking dunk without you know or whatever you know it's a weird analogy but

no i know exactly what you're saying but it's like how could it be different but it is you think everybody's just a human being and babbity bab but no no it's not people can be people can be have culture and respect real respect man like i told you earlier you know i mentioned like i didn't see a single person's face lit up by their phone once i saw people taking pictures which i don't mind at all but what annoys me is like and even if it's a theater with 4 000 people i will see you we you do people don't realize how clear it is for us on stage because they're all dark. But like when somebody's looking at their phone, you can see them from when we're on stage. We might not always talk about it or say, hey, I see you because we're in the middle of something or thinking about something. But we can see you if you're on your phone. And I didn't see that

once tonight in two shows in a theater. Nobody wants looking at their phone, not to sit, not to even tweet of how much fun they're having you know it's just a real respect thing and i get that that's what people are doing sometimes is oh tony's killing or oh joe's about to go on you know they might be tweeting or facebooking or you know then they weren't even tweeting or facebooking the pictures that they just took you know what i mean well it's definitely distracting when you see that phone up and people are looking at you too while they're holding up a phone

while you're on stage. They're looking at you through the phone. It's like, and you want to tell them, like, come on, don't, just watch the show. Just have fun.

Just watch the show. You're a part of a live performance. You know, take it in. Everybody has to record everything. Put it on their Facebook page. Everybody has to. If they don't, it's just like they're missing out on capturing these moments.

But when you capture them, you miss out on experiencing them in some way because it's disjointed. The show is not you sitting there and watching the whole performance. The show is you sitting there watching the whole performance, reaching for your phone, unlocking the password, finding the camera, pointing it, no, should I have the flash, no, let me turn the flash off, shit. I think somewhere along the line in the past five or ten years, I think everybody forgot that camera guys get paid to do what they do.

Like, why would you pay to go to a concert and then do a job that there's a union for? Like, camera guys get paid really well you know what i mean like well they did not try to film the whole thing most of the time right too much of it too much of it i went to see uh who was it oh it was uh lady gaga at jimmy kimmel live you know don has well she's there you it would blow your mind she's no she's a freak no dare how dare you she actually plays her instruments mind. How dare you? No, she's a freak. How dare you? She actually plays her instruments and stuff.

Oh, she's badass. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know that, right? Still, how dare you? Oh, no. It was worth it. But the point is, I was the only person not recording it. I couldn't believe it.

There was a thousand hands up in front of me. Like, I mean, I could see and everything because I'm with Don Barris, you know. It's free and it's like a half an hour in the afternoon if you hang with don and somebody cools playing right you know grab a few friends and go watch a quick concert at the jimmy kimmel pontiac garage you know for his abc show well i think that uh a girl like her like super fucking talented super pop star that's just reality now. Like you're not going to get anybody that just sits and watches a show. And it's different, I think, too, with a singer than it is with a comic.

You know, I think comedy requires a different amount of focus. Does that make sense? Like a different kind of focus. You have to be paying attention to what the guy says or what the girl says. You have to follow it every step what the guy says or what the girl says yeah you have to follow it every step of the way it's true if you miss out on something because you're looking for your phone and then he hits says a tagline like what was it what the fuck is he talking about like you know you'll see that sometimes where someone misses one part of the jokes they don't understand the

second part because they were trying to facebook the whole thing. It's like, it's so silly. Yeah, it definitely doesn't work for comedy. Well, I wonder where that is going to go because nobody ever saw this coming. I mean, if you go back in the day, if you were watching a show or you were watching an audience, rather, from the stage five, six years ago, and someone had a video camera, and they had the light on the video camera,

and they're pointing you right at it, they would kick that guy out. They'd go, hey, hey, hey, what the fuck, man? You can't film this. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. You didn't know? You didn't know you can't bring a fucking video camera and film? And they would kick the guy out. Well, you've seen the Google Glasses.

That's the future. You're not even going to know people are filming. They're just going to be looking at the show just staring ahead with a dead look on their face. They can do that now. You're right. Exactly. They have those, better than Google Glass really, they have those video camera glasses

where the center where your eyebrow is, there's's a lens it just looks like it's part of the glasses part of the frame and you can get like pretty good video from it yeah they can they can do some shit now man so i wonder what i guess there's no getting away from it you know it just it's a part of the art form yeah i did i pulled the reverse one a little wild experiment about a month or two ago i i wore a gopro strapped to my chest and went out and did crowd work at the comedy store and it was fun i still haven't gotten to see the footage i've been so slammed but that's funny but i looked at it when right after we first shot it, and it looks cool. I think I really want to maybe do something down the road fun like that, like a crowd work type of from the comedian's perspective.

That's a great idea. Yeah, you could definitely do that. And the people, by the way, don't even know. And if they do, then it's already too late. They won't notice the camera until I've already asked them what their name is or something. You think so? Oh, yeah. Does it have a light in the front of it?

Oh, I had them hook, line, and sinker. No, but I did it in a room where the front's lit just enough, and I knew where they were lit. You know, you can see it. I mean a light on it where it shows red when it's recording. No. No? I think there was, but we put a piece of electrical tape over it. I think that's illegal. Really? I think so was, but we put a piece of electrical tape over it. I think that's illegal. Really?

I think so. Oh, wow. Covering up the tapes, covering up the red lights, the illegal part. Well, I think if you're filming someone, they have to know you're filming them. That's why they have that there. I never really thought of that before. I swear to God, I never thought of that. That is so crazy.

Yeah. Well, some states, it's okay. I thought of that. That is so crazy. Yeah. Well, some states it's okay. Like some states, like I think Nevada at least used to have wacky laws, which is why they used to do that show Crank Yankers there.

They used to do that in Nevada because you could make prank phone calls, and if one person was in on it, it would be fine, you know, with audio. So they were allowed to make those ridiculous phone calls where they'd have puppet people calling other puppet people. It was a genius show. Brilliant. I don't know why they stopped doing that. I mean, maybe it's like there's a liability issue or people didn't want to hear their voice on TV.

I think Jimmy may have gone straight from there to... His show? Yeah. It could be. It could be. Yeah, I think it was that long ago. I don't see that show anymore. How come it doesn't air on anything anymore?

Crank Anchors? Yeah. I don't know. Is it online? I'm not sure. We should probably look while we're talking. That was old Comedy Central royalty. I can't talk to these people at all.

I can't use a laptop to see if Crank Anchors is on still. I used to prank call people a lot I used to love doing that shit Including my own family Oh yeah I'd get everybody That was one of the things One of the few pranking Like Dennis the Menace things

That I was really into Dennis the Menace Other than just making fun of people That's so dated Dennis the Menace. Other than just making fun of people. That's so dated. Dennis the Menace. That's a funny thing. So, right now, in Stockholm, what time is it? We are looking at...

It's like 3 in the morning. It's 3.01. 3.01. Jesus fucking Christ. 3.01. We're doomed. We will not sleep. It's just not going to happen.

Okay, Crank Yankers. Are you guessing yes or no? Are you guessing it's online? There's got to be clips. On YouTube? You say YouTube? Maybe. Let's say it.

Let's go with video. Yep, there it is. Oh, heck yeah. Best of special. Yeah, okay, that's good. Dave Chappelle does Crank Yankers. I didn't know he did it. Yeah. Best of special. Yeah, okay, that's good. Dave Chappelle does cranking. Did he? Yeah.

Adam Carolla. Yeah, beautiful. Good. So it's out there. I just wondered whether or not there was a liability issue. Like because you're doing it with people that don't know that you're doing it. Like maybe the law changed and that's why they had to stop doing it. But apparently they could still put those, at on youtube who knows they might be illegally on

youtube that's possible could be yeah i was never much of a prank guy man i never really uh enjoyed those but i did love the jamie kennedy experience you ever watched jamie kennedy experience yeah that was a fucking funny show dude yeah the one where they had some hilarious sketches the one where they had the little guy dressed like a mouse underneath the kitchen thing. You remember that? Oh, yeah. When people freaked out. They really thought there was a giant human-looking mouse coming at them.

That's right. That's my favorite one. That's really the only one I remember. What's the one that stands out to you from it? Guys Gone Nuts. What happened to that? They recruited these guys at a nightclub and it was going to be the next Girls Gone Wild. But it was going to be called

Guys Gone Nuts. And so they took these guys and they made them like do all these like sexy things and then as they dragged them deeper and deeper and this is going to be worldwide, this is going to be worldwide. This is going to be a huge, huge, huge show.

We're going to launch with this and that, blah, blah, blah. They started getting him to do gay stuff. And they started getting him to admit, like, you know, if you had to, you know, if you know it's because I'm making it and I'm not making it. You have to suck a guy's dick. Like, are you cool with that? And I don't exactly know how far they not making it. You have to suck a guy's dick. Like, are you cool with that? Like, and I don't exactly know how far they went with it, but I remember it was unbelievable that those guys signed releases.

Like, I couldn't believe they got them to sign releases. Because they were essentially saying that they would be gay prostitutes for it all to take off. You know, they're going to make a certain amount of money, and, you know, he's, like, telling them how much money they're going to make. Would you be willing to do it for a hundred grand? Would you be willing to start a United Day for a hundred grand? Like, you know, sometimes you're with, they want to, you know.

Oh, these poor guys. It's just like really, really ridiculous shit. You know what they do? They get them to sign the release before. That's how they do it. Oh, that's so wrong. Oh, yeah. So the poor guys, they think they're there for.

That's a false premise, though. If they're getting them to sign a release for one thing, but really they're using it as a hidden camera show, it's a parody. They tried to get me for that on something one time. Same thing. I didn't sign it, though. I didn't sign it because I knew it was coming. Oh, really? What was it?

It was this horrendous horrendous thing it was basically that exact type of uh well not that exact type of prank but that same type of thing where they booked me for a gig but it ended up being a reality tv show they booked me they wanted to book me for a stand-up gig at a comedy club during the day for a private gig but what it really was was it was a prank and i was supposed to walk in and the crowd wasn't gonna laugh at me and uh they didn't give up they they didn't care about me and it was supposed to bother me but i didn't sign the release before, because they're like, here, sign this piece of paper

for this corporate party that we're hiring you for, you know, for a few hundred bucks or whatever. And I'm like, why would I ever sign a release for that? Why wouldn't I just go do the comedy, and why would I have to sign anything? And I had a feeling that something like this was coming, you know? It's not like anybody told me that somebody was going to be setting me up on a reality show because that would be wrong if somebody legally told me that, if they had that information.

But I just had a feeling that something like that was going to happen. Something was amiss. Yes. So I said no sure enough uh i go up there i do my opening line nothing but what's crazy is that these shows they can't hire good actors you know so i'm looking at the audience reading them like a book And they're Rolling their eyes after this Hilarious joke that works You know 100% of the time

That I've ever done it It'll get at least half the crowd laughing No matter what But they're rolling their eyes And clearing their throats And all this stuff Overacting Completely overacting I immediately, completely overacting.

I immediately go, oh, I see what this is. You're all a bunch of really bad actors. And there's cameras on me right now, aren't there? And they're probably going to come out any second, huh? And sure enough, camera guy, camera guy, and I walk. And I negotiated with them a crazy thing afterwards because they had to shoot it they had all these people they had a whole crew that was and the whole big prank was built around me they had no plan b and I knew they needed me and I knew I didn't sign and I knew how that shit works

because I've been a segment producer on a comedy central show I've been a writer and a producer for the last three or four years, so I know that shit. I knew when I saw that flyer, I'm like, ooh, I'm about to have a payday. So how much did they have to pay you? Honest to God, you really want to know? Yeah, what were they supposed to pay you?

What did they want to pay you? They wanted to pay me five, I think it was $300. It was 300 bucks yeah i remember that because i couldn't believe that they were really going to try to make an ass out of me for 300 bucks and they easily could have had i signed yeah but even your material would have gotten on television too right for 300 bucks that's really crazy well only that, but my material getting on TV for 300 bucks ended failing, not getting any laughs.

That's so arrogant that they would think that you would do that. Exactly. So what I ended up negotiating was I do none of my actual material. I'll go back up there and I'll pretend like, you know, I'll play along like, oh man, this is a really rough set, you know, but like, I knew I was gonna play it sarcastically. Everybody, the few people who saw it, because it was just some

chintzy dumb thing, but the few people that saw it that knew me were all like, Tony, that is the funniest thing I've ever seen you do because everything I'm saying was sarcastic and it like oh man this is really really rough I don't know how I'm going to you know and yes right so I gave no material away and in 20 minutes I made more money than I ever made in 20 minutes I made made $5,000 because I negotiated. What did you start with? $10,000. Whoa. Which made their heads just spin.

And I knew that was what I was doing too. It was fun because you know what? It's one of the only times in my life that I actually got to really do that. I knew my worth and I got to really throw it out there. They go, so Tony, what are we going to do? I go, you're going to give me $10,000 for 20 minutes of work and i'm not doing any of my jokes um uh well well we gotta talk because uh but i'm looking around and i'm seeing they must have a crew of

like 20 or 30 people not to mention not to mention because it's a corporate party they had me on, not to mention that 60 or 70 actors that they have in there, that they're paying by the hour. And mind you, they saw me. I already walked out. So now they're panicking because they're about to go into overtime. Right. And plus the crew of 20 or 30, plus the lunch, the banquet, the location, the me, the everything.

They needed me. And I knew it. and it's the only time it's ever been like that you know and that's amazing business and comedy like everybody's sort of replaceable you know what i mean if i can't do something they'll get the next best i mean not for that but if they if i can't do something for the roast they have the whole another team of yankees roast writers just waiting for the next spot and things like that and stand-up comedy shit I'm not at the comedy store for a weekend they don't even notice right there's so many young comedians to take my spot but boy did I know I had position in that

situation and it was priceless and I needed the money and it was a rough time and I needed the money. And it was a rough time, and I needed it. And I remember being ecstatic the whole way home. I could not believe it. I couldn't believe it. It was great. Oh, I love it. That's a great story. That's like a Hollywood happy ending.

And what's crazy is that it was all supposed to be a prank on me. But I ended up making the person pulling the prank look like an idiot. supposed to be a prank on me but i ended up making the person pulling the prank look like an idiot the reality scumbag reality tv producers that uh you know that screw people over for the 300 bucks that it was gonna be all the time uh i i got them good i got everybody it was great yeah those shows can be brutal man that show that did, game show in my head. I did an undercover hidden camera show for CBS. People wore an earpiece, and I would tell them they would have to go out and do things. And you don't have to get people to attempt to do something.

This one guy, in order to win, he had to go out there in his underwear, and he had to get dressed. He had a certain amount of time, but all he had on was his underwear. He had to convince people that someone kicked him out of his house. He couldn't tell them he was on a game show. He had to convince them in some way to give him their clothes. So people gave him pants, they gave him shirts, and they gave him a shoe. Like, he actually did it. The guy actually pulled it off.

It was fucking incredible, and it was in a shitty neighborhood like he was in a super sketchy neighborhood to do something like this and this guy is like wearing like he's doing he's actually wearing the guy's shoes he's doing it he's getting like he got the guy gave him shoes he had no clothes on he was in his underwear you know and you know he won like i don't remember how many thousand dollars he won but we had a girl fun. It was a fun show to host. It was a great show to host. We had a girl who talked a guy into marrying her. She had to talk a guy into marrying her. She had to say that her family's there and that they've never met her fiancé. And the guy stood him up.

But the family's there. Will you marry me? And the guy was like, all right. And she was hot. And so the guy was like, okay. And so they brought this fucking guy into this area where all these people were. They were all seated. They were all ready for the wedding.

And he fucking married her. And he came up with some fake shit that he made up. He had to make up his own vows. I mean, it was incredible. It was fucking incredible. We had this one guy set up shop in the middle of Hollywood, right on Hollywood and La Brea, like that area. And he had to pretend that he was a newscaster

that was brought to the scene because there was a UFO sighting. But the witness for the UFO sighting took off. So he has to convince people to tell him that they've seen a UFO and explain the whole story in detail. And he has to get them to say that they were probed, that they were taken aboard the spaceship and probed by aliens. And people just did it like that. They just did it.

That's one thing that changed my entire opinion about those UFO sightings, all those news reports and stuff like that. There's certain people that if you put a camera in front of them and you start talking to them about something, they will just, they will, whatever you want them to say, they'll say it just so they can be on camera. So these people were making up all this crazy shit about being taken aboard the spaceship and all the,

what color lights were there? Were there lights on it? And they make these stories up like off the top of their head and they all did it. Like almost everybody did it. And I remember thinking, wow. So all these shows that you're watching when you're hearing some guy talk about seeing Bigfoot in his backyard or some guy who was taken aboard a UFO, the amount of people that are just out and out bullshitting because the cameras point

out, it has to be considered. It might not be all of them. I mean, some people hearing this might be offended because something actually really did happen to them. And I'm not doubting that. But what I'm saying is the amount of people that are willing to lie is probably a lot more than we think it is. You get a camera on motherfuckers, they will just lie.

Yeah. than we think it is you get a camera on motherfuckers they will just lie yeah you know it's it like it ruined my my impressions of uh these experiences that people are having i started immediately like questioning all of them immediately going oh there's like a psychological desire to be on that television show that for whatever whatever like that feeds that certain aspect of your brain or excites that certain aspects of your brain so people are willing to they're willing to do all kinds of things like that they wouldn't do they make sacrifices they they they'll be deceptive like they'll change their they'll they'll lie they'll just fabricate a reality just in order to have that camera pointed on them.

That's how powerful it is to some people. I think the people also, they want to feel like something special could happen to them. Oh, yeah. You know? Definitely. Like, oh, yeah, the UFO totally came and got me. Totally wanted to see what was up my butt. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Well, there's always a lot of them have these delusions of grandeur attached to them, where if you listen to them, they'll say, they told me that I must let the world know that our path is disastrous. And that if we do not change the way we live, within the next 50 years, they will come down and they will shut down all of our nuclear power plants and disable our defense systems and then they will come down and feed off of i mean like like that you must listen to me that whole like this thing that people do when they're delusional and they want to be super special so like you get chosen by a god or you get chosen by aliens like you're not deemed as special by your actions or your words or your intellect or your ideas no you're deemed as special because someone from up on high came down and gave you the secret knowledge that like moses you have to now disseminate amongst all these poor fucks that haven't met the space god, they are coming. Trust me.

It is real. And that's what people have always done. They've always said, people are like, man, I don't know if I should trust you. You must. It is our only hope. And there's a lot of people that play that card

and do that shit. And it's real confusing. I've gotten people have been actually angry at me for my take on UFOs and my skepticism when it comes to UFOs. Even good friends like Eddie Bravo got mad at me because he believes way more than I believe. And it's not that I don't believe. I believe without a doubt there's life out there in the universe. Right. I think most likely, not only without a doubt do I think there's most likely life,

I think there's most likely human life. I think the human organism in this form that we exist in, it probably is a natural occurrence if you have the right conditions, if you have the right temperature and the right amount of time and the right amount of asteroidal impacts that kill the right amount of lizards, like the dinosaurs and shit. I think humans are probably an inevitable occurrence if you have enough time and the universe has been around for 14 billion years and if you have enough potential planets and there's like an infinite number of potential planets there's so many planets there's literally

no end to the possibility of there being a planet that's next to a sun. It's in the right spot. It has a moon that's large. So its orbit is stable and its temperature allows these animals to grow. They figure it out at agriculture. They build a wheel. Like all that stuff almost seems inevitable. Well, yeah.

It would just be like selfish to think that we're the only bacteria that can evolve you know what I mean like what are we we're nothing but we're nothing but a sea monkey we just have a really fucking big brain we didn't always have that big brain it just kept getting more and more powerful so like yeah we're like water and oxygen and stuff carbon even the other planets, whatever they have, how selfish to think that their gases and whatever is there and those temperatures can't have their own evolution of bacteria that eventually, why wouldn't it grow a brain if it's evolving? You know what I mean?

And there's plenty of evidence that life on Earth evolves in places where we never suspected it could, like those underwater volcanic vents that cause these strange microbes to grow and these weird sea creatures grow around there. Yeah, there's a lot of possibility. But my take has always been there's never been any compelling evidence that there's anything other than people. So it might be people. I mean it might be people from a million years from now that have become something else where they're not people anymore and our idea about what a big brain is

is really relative our idea of what a powerful brain is is only like compared to a monkey compared to a monkey i'm smart as shit yeah all right i'll talk circles around that monkey i know about i know how long that monkey will be alive for. It doesn't understand lifespans. It doesn't know what the fuck is going on. It doesn't even have a language. They have a few weird crude noises like this means eagle that eats you. They're monkeys, man.

But it's really possible and really probably pretty likely that there's something out there that's at least as smart to us as we are to monkeys. There's just so many planets, man. There's so many. It's almost like, come on, what are the odds that there's not? Right. To say that it's impossible or to say that you don't believe it with the amount of space that's in the universe, to me seems so goofy anybody who thinks there's not has the universe all mixed up it's too big they must think that what the they must

think that the stars that they see when they look out on a clear night is everything yeah without looking that you know that we're just part of the mil Way, and the Milky Way is just a tiny little thing compared to everything around it. Yeah, hundreds of billions of Milky Ways, or bigger galaxies. And each, they think that, I don't know if this is still true anymore, because these guys are always changing this stuff. Like they're always, they have these new discoveries, and some people are actually challenging the notion of black holes now. But if they still abide by this, they had come up with this equation

that every galaxy had a supermassive black hole in the center of it. And that supermassive black hole was one half of 1% of the mass of the galaxy. The bigger the galaxy, the bigger the black hole. And if that's true, and that inside each one of those black holes is potential new universes with new laws of physics with new realities like there's it's real real possible that there's something else out there but and this is the big but and this is what the fucking ufo believers the true believers that jump to it like like it a religion. They want to believe that it's already been here. And I say, maybe, but I don't see any evidence.

I don't see anything, man. I don't see anything that's compelling to me that says people some way figured out to make some unbelievable buildings thousands and thousands of years ago. Like the Egyptians and all the ancient Sumer shit and the people that have figured out like way before we – we just don't know how the fuck they did it. And they made these immense stone creations. don't know how the fuck they did it and they made these immense stone creations and it's way more likely that they were just really smart and that civilization is cyclical like that's what graham hancock thinks that's what john anthony west thinks these guys they think that like we achieve these great heights and then shit falls apart and then we have to rebuild and today to this day we see these things that like they had these um these uh nuclear scientists

they changed the doomsday clock yesterday the doomsday clock has been five minutes to midnight since like the 1980s and they moved it to three minutes to midnight they moved it up like two minutes and that's a huge deal and the the idea is like hey we are really close to wiping ourselves out whether it's a threat from north korea's nukes or russia's nukes or pakistan nuking india which turns the whole world into nuclear winter or fucking natural disasters or pollution or global warming it's all the above i mean. It's all of the above. You just said. I mean, it's definitely all of the above. Any of that other stuff can happen, but there's no doubt.

You look at what's really happening in China. I watched... Oh! I gotta piss. Hold that thought right now. I hate to do this, man, but I fucked up and had a beer earlier, and my bladder's killing me.

All good. That's my phone number. Yeah, give me one second. Oh shit, we already did an hour and 20. Pause. We're back. I had to pee so bad. Ladies and gentlemen, I almost peed my little pants.

No. That would have been epic. No. That's ridiculous. Who pees their pants? You only pee your pants if you get stuck in a car or something. I did. I was stuck in a car and i had trouble the other night very

recently in fact i think it was the night before we flew yeah it was tuesday night i was coming home from the store one of those nights where i ended up getting stuck in a bunch of conversations with people and there you go next thing you know i'm like cuss, you've got to be fucking kidding me when I get a red light. You're just about to burst. Totally. There was no bottles. That thing where like you're just panicking. I'm thinking like, what am I even going to do?

Do I pull it out to the side and pee on my car floor? Like it's just emergency panic. I was in a busy street, so I couldn't just get out. You know what's the best thing to pee in your car? Kombucha bottles. Because they have a big mouth. Yeah. You know, those GTs kombucha?

Yeah. They have a nice fat mouth so you can stuff your dick in there. It's not like a Coke bottle. Right. You could do it with a Coke bottle, but you've got to be accurate. Yeah, and you have to have a seal. Well, no, not even a seal. It's weirder than that.

You have to have a seal with your pee hole, but you also have to have the top open on the top. You have to not have a seal, because if you have a seal, it actually just blows right back at you. Oh, yeah. In that way, yeah. Yeah. You've got to have a little space. Yeah, which is impossible to have a little space and not pee all over your bottle. Tiny little space.

Yeah, you're better off with like a Gatorade bottle. They get stuff, you're junking it. Yes, exactly. Or just a bucket. I filled one of those before, though. I filled a Gatorade thing once. I had to piss so bad, I just started peeing in the Gatorade thing at a red light. I just kept driving.

Lucky I wasn't driving a stick shift. You know, I was just peeing in that thing I was driving. That's one thing that guys have. The girls can't do that

for whatever reason. It's a fucking shit genetic roll of the dice. You can't, you can't, you can't, well, they can pee standing up

if they just want to make a mess. Yeah, that's just weird. Have you seen that thing that they wear? There's like a thing that they develop for women where they could pee standing up it's like you put it in your underwear and it pokes out and like you piss into it and it comes out like a funnel it's like a funnel for your vagina why would anybody need that because girls want to be able to

pee in the woods just like guys can wow let me ask you a question. Uh-oh. If you had, do you know how a tampon works? Like if you were a woman and you had, and your period was about to start, like would you know what to do with that thing? No. Me neither.

I don't know how it goes in. Me neither. I have no idea. Well, you're lucky. You don't have to know. Don't you sort of want to know, like out of curiosity? Maxipads to me seem to be like much more. Well, that's every guy.

If we had periods, we would all just use maxipads. We know that. We just slop it up and wipe it. To be more straightforward. Yeah. It's like the problem with, I remember from the early days of my youth, hearing about toxic shock syndrome, which is something that women can get if they leave a tampon in their body for too long.

And I remember hearing that women have died from that. And I'm like, what? Wait a minute. You can die from having a tampon that you leave in your body? Like, that's crazy. Yeah. Super crazy. Because I thought it was just cotton.

No. Well, I mean, it is. But it doesn't matter. It's, like, I think part of it is your body's reaction to something being in there, some body. And it creates an infection. I think that's part of it. Crazy. Yeah, I wonder how long women have left them in there when they had to they when they died i mean that sounds i had a girlfriend that forgot she had one

in she had a part of one in like or something like that and i was fingering her and no i found it and i pulled it out and she was so embarrassed i bet but i wasn't embarrassed at all i was like it doesn't matter it's like a tampon like you stick it in there like shit breaks off like it's not like you had a rodent in there like i was digging my finger in there and i found a grasshopper like like no that would be tough it's supposed to be in there it's a tampon like yeah what am i like a fucking baby and i'm gonna pretend that you don't have a tampon in your vagina every now and again like it seems pretty straightforward seems pretty normal that's interesting. She was so bummed out.

Especially since it was half a tampon. Like, where'd the other half go? I don't know, man. I don't think all tampons are created equally. You know? Some of them are probably shitty. They're like tires. Like, there's better tires.

Like, you can't just buy tires, you know? Yeah. If you have a race car, especially, you want to make sure you get good tires. Like, instead of Goodyear, it's Good Week. So if you got, like... It you want to make sure you get good tires like instead of good year it's good week so if you got like a period joke like kotex you know good week nothing on that good year good week tires i think i'm running on kotex vag plus you know there's probably some ridiculous tampon names that were just bandied about back in the day, and they had some bargain tampons.

I mean, for a woman, it's just soaking up blood. Right. I mean, I feel like at one point in time, do you skimp? Where are you going to cut corners? It seems like it's just a fucking rag of stuff up there. One guy at a festival or fair just like get your get your plug feelers here ladies you know it's just must have started some barker yeah who did invent the tampon okay let's guess i'm looking i'm looking that up you want to you want to guess yeah yeah before

we look it up let's guess i'm gonna say 1800s i'm gonna, I feel like 1870-something along those lines. All right, I'll say 1910. Wow. Okay, let's ask this, too, before we even go. What the fuck did they use before they had a tampon? Whoa. I'm going to guess that same funnel that you were talking about earlier that they put in their underwear.

The year the tampon. They could pee like boys tampon was invented. Alright, here we go. I'm sorry, would you say again? What was your guess? 19-something? 1910, 1920? You said 1870, right? Yeah. Let's see.

Whoa, there's some fucking old school ones. Tampon is a cylindrical mass of absorbent material primarily used as a feminine hygiene product. What do you mean primarily? Jeez, what else are we used for? The fuck other things. Nosebleeds? All right, history.

Let's go with history. Okay. Jews have used tampons during menstruation for thousands of years. What? Whoa. We are so wrong. In her book, Everything You Must Know About Tampons in 1981, what?

Adam Sandler? Okay, we might have gotten fucked here. Adam Sand-er. Adam Sandler? Yeah, that's Adam Sandler. Is that the same Adam Sandler? No. It can't be. Well, maybe he wrote aler. Is that the same Adam Sandler? No. It can't be.

Well, maybe he wrote a book. But why does it say in her book? It says in her book. Fucking Wikipedia, yeah. Somebody's fucking with you, man. What? That's the problem with Wikipedia. See right there.

Like, Wikipedia says I'm five feet tall. Really? Yeah, it's because on the podcast once, we were calling Siri and asking Siri, how tall is Joe Rogan? And they don't know how tall I am, but they know how tall Tom Cruise is. It's like a common question.

Kanye West, it's a common question. And I said, you want to be just famous enough so Wikipedia doesn't know how tall you are. That's like the perfect amount of fame. And then some jerk-offs put it in that I was five feet tall. So now if you check it that I was five feet tall. So now if you check it, it says five feet tall. Yeah, I can't trust this.

Yeah, it said Dr. Seth Rogen underneath that. Did you see that? No. I've never seen a Wikipedia article this wrong. Yeah. Patented the first modern tampon, Tampax. Okay. Somewhere along the line, somebody fucked this up.

So let's see. We'll go to another website and see if someone has... That's the problem with Wikipedia. Oh, 1929! 1931 was the patent. 1929, the tampon with applicator. Yeah, so what did you guess you guessed early 1900s right

1920s UDESC 20s perfect or 10s maybe I said 1910s either way you nailed it 1929

the modern tampon with applicator was first invented and patented by Dr. Earl Haas who wanted to invent a tampon that could be

effectively mass produced Earl Haas filed for his first tampon patent in November 19, 1931. Hmm. Okay. That's amazing. So Tampax was the original tampon. That's his company. No, it was not. The ancient Egyptians invented the first disposable tampons made from softened papyrus. The ancient Greeks invented tampons made from lint

wrapped around a small piece of wood recorded in writing by Hippocrates. Hippocrates. How do you say that? Hippocrates. Hippocrates. Right. Like hypocrite.

No. Okay. Hippocrates in the 5th century BC. Other materials used for the first tampons include wood, paper, vegetable fibers, sponges, grass, and later cotton. Geez, imagine being the broke slut that uses grass as a tampon. The broke slut. That's so rude. You're slut shaming.

So the modern tampon with applicator was what was invented in 1929. So they really have been using it forever. Because if it was ancient Egyptians, that's like thousands of years ago. You know, I mean, ancient Egyptian. We think of ancient Egypt. A lot of times we think of like the building of the pyramids, 2500 BC, like that. That was ancient? Yeah yeah that's crazy they dealt with a whole different kind of period yeah they were probably like very musky yeah very animalistic sort of smell all that work do you think those people

got tampons they didn't even get tampons those are the workers the tampons for like cleopatra and those people you know those people got the fucking softened papyrus the workers they just got red leg so that's what they called it back then when it would just roll right down you there's nothing you're gonna do about it um just dealing with another case of the red leg it was just a green light to shoot live loads into a chick and not worry about her getting pregnant yeah party red means go but back then they wanted everybody to get pregnant people are constantly i don't think people were trying to not get pregnant back then yeah they looked at it as more workers it was like all just a machine right i think people died real easy back then uh at least like the Roman times. Yeah.

You know, they say that during the Rome era, the Roman era, that infant mortality was like 50%. Yeah. Which is insane. I think half the kids dying. That's an instrument they make to being a teenager and then they're putting a piece of wood with lint all over it inside their vagina. I don't know what's worse. It's probably polished up. Nice polished wood just to soak up all the juices.

Yikes. Like, what was their lint? What's old lint? Like, the lint we're used to is, like, lint, like, good lint from fabrics. Well, they had fabrics. They had silk. I would imagine their lint is probably pretty similar to our lint. I bet they, I mean, they're all, they wove fabric.

If you get like a woven shirt, you know, from like one of those Native American, you know, they see those things that they use, they're pulling the threads across and pushing them down and weaving a shirt. If you had someone make you a sweater like that? You're going to get some lint off that shit. You roll that lint up, stuff it up your clam. Ooh. Yikes. There you go, son.

Yeah, that's a weird design. The nature just makes the pussy bleed out like that. Yeah, that's really something else. I mean, wow. Blood. Blood wow blood once a week like a clock i mean once a month i wonder if that's going to be the case um in the future i wonder if that will be something that's like like how hairy people used to be hairy primates used to be we slowly moved away from that i wonder if that's the next thing that we move away from, like period blood and balls on the outside, all the weird shit that we still have.

Like, oh, balls are very important for regulating temperature. Yeah, really? I mean, how often do we regulate temperature? Unless you're a mountain bike rider and you're out there fucking sweating your dick off in the middle of the forest. Most of the time, we're fine. Most of the time, we're fine. Most of the time, we're air-conditioned.

We're in heated houses. I wonder if eventually your balls just start slowly creeping their way back up to your body cavity because temperature regulation is not that much of an issue. They're like, we got good news and we got bad news. Billy's balls are not visible, but they're there. And he might be the first of his kind to have his balls inside his body. And look at it this way. I mean, how many times have you been kicked in the balls?

Billy doesn't have to worry about that. See, he has a very rare mutation where he has a turtle shell inside of his scrotal cavity, and his balls suck up to the turtle shell. They hang out in there. There's turtle shells made out of the same thing as your fingernails. That's like the first kid born with balls inside of his body. It's the way of the future. They get him some of those rubber balls that dudes hang off the back of their pickup trucks

because he feels bad about it in the locker room. And they glue them to the underside of his dick. One day it falls off. And everybody's like, he's got no balls! He dropped his balls! And they all get angry at him and yell at him and he's got no balls! He dropped his balls! And they all get angry at him and yell at him and he cries and he runs home. And then the doctor has to come to school and give a lecture.

He has balls. They're inside. Like yours should be too. He is the new... He is the new breed. It only makes sense. Balls in, penis out that that stays the same periods could probably end how about if the penis was retractable like a fucking car antenna that's

exactly what i was gonna say like a car antenna i think that's i mean that's the way the future you know you don't really see car antennas it doesn't work and it doesn't work out. It doesn't work out. You have them all flush to the body until it gets hard. Then clink, it comes out, you know? Yeah. I mean, if we're circumcising kids anyway, might as well give them the whole hookup. No, no, no, don't do that. You don't let it happen naturally.

You can't force kids to have their dick push up inside their body. That's just rude. Is it a 16 or 18 year old? It's just got to be something that nature slowly evolves. Oh, right. I see what you're saying. I'm already picturing the robotic arm that can

really give it a boost. Or maybe at least a little case. A little metal pouch that doors open and close like imagine this imagine you put your hands on your hips like with your fingertips like pointed towards your cock and you have a thumb on each hip and you have a button on each side and if you hold the two of them together at the same time in the same exact spot your dick just goes clink this rock hard comes out that's that's the new shit you know yeah that's perfect you know

how you have like touch screen on your phone and you can kind of touch certain spots and it activates different areas of the phone that's what it would be like it's like all you have to do is you have to the two things at the same time like one thumb on one side one thumb on the other side bink your dick just gets hard So it's like you're presenting. Like you're standing there like that. Right. To a gal. Bink!

Like a turkey. I mean, think about it now. We have pills that allow you to get hard on, like deep into your 90s. There's dudes that can get boners like well beyond the year of the natural boner. Right. You know? It's crazy. Like anybody.

Those guys, their heart stops beating for seven minutes, but they get a boner during you know it's crazy like anybody but guys are like their heart stops beating for seven minutes but they get a boner yeah it's just their dick throbbing it's i mean blood just passing through shit they can figure out a way to do it but imagine if it was like on demand like if they passed all that pill stuff like you don't need the pill anymore. We have enabled the genetic activation of your arousal glands kick up. Not only does it make your dick hard, it makes it feel better. Right.

So you're going to press these buttons and clink, and you just have this raw card boner. It's going to happen eventually. You're going to be able to do it from your phone. Yeah, most likely. You won't even need your phone anymore. Most likely we to be able to do it from your phone. Yeah, most likely. You won't even need your phone anymore. Most likely we'll be reading each other's minds. Yeah.

Those futurist dudes think that. They think we're going to get to the point where we're going to have some sort of an implant. And we'll just all read each other's minds. That's inevitable. I think it's definitely going to start with glasses. I think it's going to keep getting more Star Wars-y than people think. Yeah. going to start with glasses i think it's going to keep getting more star warsy than people think yeah i think it's going to be like glasses and sort of like motorcycle helmets but not as heavy as motorcycle helmets you know like just those lenses very stormtrooper-esque i think it's going to be you know not that clunky though you haven't seen the new microsoft thing have you

microsoft has a new thing that they just released or or they just released a video about it. And it's this hologram technology where you put on goggles, like those Oakley sunglasses, you know, that go over like maybe ski goggles is a good way to look at it. You put on these goggles and the world in front of you becomes a desktop. Like on the wall, you can put your photos. You can watch movies. It's all holograms. Everything is done through holograms.

So while you have these goggles on, you sit in front of your screen. You literally do like that, and your screen appears. Are they out yet? No, no. But they released a video. I'll show you the video because it's a mind fuck. It's a mind fuck because you watch the video, and you go, whoa, this is real, man. This is something that's already like on the pipeline.

It's already being made. Microsoft. Hologram. Here's something crazy. I was watching or listening to the Nerdist podcast. He had Bill Gates on. Really? Pretty fucking badass.

But anyway, he's in the middle of talking about something and he's talking to Bill Gates and another voice, not Bill Gates, goes, we'd really like to get back to that letter that we were talking about earlier. And Chris Hardwick goes, yeah, well, that's kind of how podcasts work. You flow in and out of conversation. Yeah, but it'd be great if we could really get back to that letter now. He's directing Hardwick on the podcast. And Hardwick's, yeah, sure, okay.

Like, he has to listen to this guy because that's how he got Bill Gates there. But this guy is so fucking arrogant. He's, like, directing the conversation between Hardwick and Gates. And he's not even in the podcast. And I don't know if this guy thinks they're going to edit it out or what. But he just gets up and, like, tells and tells them to get back to that letter. And Bill Gates doesn't say anything. Bill Gates doesn't say, oh, that's not really important.

Let's just talk. Let's have a good time. He lets the guy say it, and then he tries to say, yeah, yeah, okay. Well, it would be great if we get back to that. He's just like, there's no options here. We're going to get back to that. That's what I want you to talk about. That's why he's here. Wow. going to get back to that. That's what I want you to talk about. That's why he's here.

Wow. I'm like, ew. Somebody pointed out on my message board, I'm like, man, was it really that blatant? Yep, it was really that blatant. It was fucking gross. And Hardwick handled it really well. But it's like, come on, man. You can't, like, if you walk in the middle

of a podcast and you interrupt to try to direct the guy who's... It's his fucking podcast! Would you do that on The Tonight Show? Would you sit next to the desk and go, Hey, Jimmy Fallon, do you think you can go back to talking about what he was talking about ever? And the whole audience would be like, what? Well, that's what this guy's doing.

He's just doing it for an audio audience, but of a million plus people. More than a million people are going to listen to that, and they're going to hear that guy step in and direct Chris Hardwick in the middle of this Bill Gates interview. It's fucking weird, man. That's crazy. Oh, yeah. My message board, somebody pointed it out.

So this is the, it's called Project HoloLens. Or HoloLens. And we're seeing these people that are using technology, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sitting in front of computers, pretty standard shit, alright, but then, Homeboy puts on these goggles, and now the video becomes, from black and white, it becomes color, and you start seeing, like, icons all over the room, like, he's got a floating thing that is, like, right in front of him that's Maui, and it shows the topography, and this motorcycle design that they're working on, and it's three-dimensional right in front of him, I mean, it's fucking trippy, look at this, I have an idea for the fuel tank. And she pulls it up and manipulates it in front of this guy in real time.

Well, that's definitely it. And that's just the start. This is incredible. It's mind-blowing now, but we're looking at the iPhone 1 of this. It's incredible. Like, look, this guy sits down and there's a game in front of him. it's incredible. Like, look, this guy sits down,

and there's a game in front of him. Like, he's got a World of Warcraft game laid out in front of him in three dimensions. And that's going to be, for sure, a usable aspect of this kind of technology, to have Dungeons & Dragons or World of Warcraft or some crazy-ass game, Halo maybe, where you're running around, and you're in a living room room and you fill the living room up

with the space that you're playing on. And then eventually it goes to, like, basketball gyms, you know? If you have the goggles and if the game plays out through the goggles and that's all, I mean, you could do it in a huge space. This is amazing stuff, man. Can you imagine the UFC, the game that you could play with those things? Actually, like if it's just like one of those guys that... Oh, yeah.

One of those Warthog guys. Oh, my God, yeah. Well, you could probably act it out. You could probably put on a suit, and that would be like amazing exercise, man. Yeah. Like you could, without anybody hitting you, you could put on a suit and play a video game of how to fight that would be amazing yeah that's actually a great idea for a learning tool if you could get someone to put on goggles that won't move just like skiing you know something nice and tight and then get them to wear some sort of a yeah uh some sort of a crazy wetsuit

type thing or uh you know or rash guards, even better. And they have little scents so you can move really good with it. And you have them on your legs, you have them on your hands, and you have an avatar in this game. And you see them in front of you and you won't be able to hit anything. That's going to be the problem. There won't be like tactic feedback. You want like you know tactile you won't you want to actually make impact with an object when you're hitting them but they probably eventually work their way through that too that would be an

amazing way to get in shape yeah and learn martial arts well you know what if there's little like vibrators or pulsars on the sensors on the fist or something if you're wearing gloves then it can feel like you're hitting yes so when you go and you extend your arm if that thing goes poop and it inflates yeah yeah yeah no well it's bad for your joints it's the only problem like snapping punches and kicks into the air like you can't hurt yourself if you don't hit something that's one of the things. Believe it or not, it's actually easier to hit a bag than it is to miss and hit the air. If you hit the air, it requires more energy.

So when guys are missing, they get tireder than when they're hitting things. Interesting. Yeah. When you're going full force and then you miss, you have to kind of pull it back. There's a little extra energy that gets used up. The only difference being that when you're hitting things you run the risk of hurting your hands like you can break your hands and break your feet and fuck your your shins up on things which we see have like anderson silver when he broke his shin we've seen many many fights where guys break their hand we just don't know about it because it's in their gloves so there there's like, that's one thing to think about

as far as like how you could benefit from like sparring with those without actually hitting things. Really, like all the training that you could do. Like if you're on a treadmill with one of those things on, you could be running down the ocean. You could be running down the middle of the Grand Canyon. You have dinosaurs behind you motivating you. Jurassic Park style when that T-Rex is chasing the ocean. You could be running down the middle of the Grand Canyon. You have dinosaurs behind you motivating you. Yeah!

Jurassic Park style when that T-Rex is chasing the Jeep. Finally, fat people can get motivated. They could have one where there's like

a Kentucky Fried Chicken that's far away and it stays that distance. That's hilarious. Dude, that would be a fucking amazing

piece of technology to have at your disposal. Well, we have to figure out how to patent that part. How about pussy? What are they going to do with sex with those things? How about fucking pornography? How about people fucking? I mean, that's going to be crazy.

That's right. So you sync up. Here's one for you. I don't know where these ideas are coming from at four in the morning. But you take your hollow lenses lenses whatever they're calling it and you hook up with a girl and you have a fleshlight type of device that reacts back and squirts on you when you make her orgasm. Squirts. Back to squirting. It was great until she started peeing on me, man.

Even I knew that I was going to end up going goofy at the end and I still made myself laugh at it. Because you took it for a ride. This is all based on a conversation we had earlier this evening about squirting being proven as being pee. And how disappointed some people are of this newfound knowledge.

So, so, so sad. All the people that have been bragging about making people squirt forever just found out that they've been having their bed wet for years. It's funny when people will tell you, that doesn't smell like pee. Oh, man. I don't know. She's well hydrated then.

Maybe it's just pee that got trapped in the wrong canyon. It got cleaned out. Like, sort of when water comes out of a spring, goes through all those rocks, it comes out purified. Yeah. Pee coming out the wrong hole. Yeah. I don't know.

I think it's just pee. There's a lot of debate about that, apparently. Yeah. Yeah. I think that uh note the best evidence is that it's pee is that it's a recent occurrence this is not something that's in the history of sex really yeah if you go back and watch old porns nobody's squirting right now squirting yeah you know it's like a really recent thing girls figure out how to pee all over the place and yeah and make it like you know some new thing is happening right well i remember the first time i saw it in a porno and my mind was blown like i couldn't believe what i was seeing originally and then i you know it's just one of those things that over the years it's like

wow they've really like the ones they do now are just out of control where the girl's on the edge of a bed and just screaming and it's hitting like the air conditioner on the other side of the room and everything it's like come on she's blatantly peeing pointing pointing it up. She's peeing. This is a lady peeing off the edge of a bed. Like, it's not even in question anymore. At least they used to make it look like she's like, Oh, I'm about to orgasm. It's about to happen. Like, they don't even do that anymore.

What do you think? Ah! Ah! It's just a chick screaming. What do you think the first evidence of squirting? Do you think that's documented? That's a great question. I'm going to guess the first time a girl ever squirted was, and I'm pretty confident in this answer,

I'm going to say that a chick was hooking up with a guy, and they're having fun, but she likes this guy. Maybe she really likes him, or maybe he's got money or this and that, or whatever, you know. But she wants to impress him, and she doesn't want to tell him that she has to pee. to tell him that she has to pee so he's going to town she's got a pee and and she's like you know uh and she doesn't know like how it's going to get handled but then he's like so she pees and she's like ah oh you're making me orgasm that's totally what's happening but here's something in the raw story from january 10th that says scientists confirmed that there were two different forms of female squirting during climax.

They're saying amid swirling controversy, researchers now believe there are two forms of female ejaculation, a landmark discovery in the field of sexual medicine. One is pee and the other is piss. This is funny, man.

This is funny. The British Board of Film Classification ordered over six minutes of material be cut from a pornographic movie because it depicted scenes of female ejaculation, which they said doesn't exist. Huh. Censorship in any form is always controversial, but on this occasion, the BBFC came under fire from a totally unexpected quarter. An activist group, Feminists Against Censorship, who composed a detailed letter to the censor with a mountain of scientific evidence to support the case for female ejaculation. Wow, a mountain of scientific evidence to support the case for female ejaculation. Wow, a mountain of scientific evidence.

How much evidence could they have? Who's been studying squirting? What are you doing? Working on polio vaccines or trying to cure Ebola? Yeah, who comes up with a mountain of squirting research? Like, is this done by some 15-year-old in his parents' basement? Yeah. The case was strong enough to cause the BBFC to partially back down.

They were forced to concede that female ejaculation was a controversial and much debated area. It was a messy fudge, which it is. Until recently. Now, gynecologist Samuel Salama, that's a real dude, and his colleagues at the Party 2 private hospital in Le Chesnay, France have some evidence supporting the reality of female ejaculation.

They carried out the first ever ultrasound scans on women who express large amounts of liquid orgasm and the results of their work have been published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. What you're reading sounds like a porno. Dr. Salami has to research on whether

squirting... Yeah, it's close. Dr. Salami is in. Well, it's Salama. S-A-L-A-M-A. But I hear you. That's how I heard it the first time, but I had to turn it in. Well, you should. It's like a parody. It probably is bullshit. Dr. Salami. New Scientist.

Oh my god. New Scientist magazine describes how the research showed that there are two... Okay. This is a real website? The Raw Story. That's a real website, right? I don't know.

There's too many of those goddamn things. What are you reading? Squirter Monthly? The Raw Story. RawStory.com. Squirter Monthly. Well, I'm going to my message board

on squirting that I always visit. Squirter's Digest says that it's totally fine. Sarah Palin rambles on about Chris Kyle, Hollywood hypocrites, and running for office in 2016. No, this is all real shit, man. Glenn Beck's busy day. Lectures Pope Francis on capitalism. Billy Joel on concerts. Yeah.

That's hilarious, man. Um, yeah. Breaking. Wikipedia bans five editors from gender related articles amid Gamergate controversy. The sanction bans the five editors from having anything to do with articles covering Gamergate,

but also from any other article about gender or sexuality broadly construed. That's hilarious. So I guess that's a real issue with Wikipedia. People just being assholes and fucking with things and changing changing facts and that's so funny man so this is this appears to be like a real website and this real website is actually saying that the new scientist is saying that squirting is real what yeah what that's a rough situation that is so crazy. I can't believe that's real. Jeez, oh man. So who knows who's right?

I know that anybody studying it is a fucking freak, though. Okay, here's another one. One of the things that... Discovery blog. Proof that female ejaculation is just pee. Yeah. Okay, what the fuck this is january 12th this is two days later this is two days after that it's definitely pee look it even it takes a while to even you know everybody who says that they make somebody squirt they tell you that it takes a

while you know you got to be aggressive and rub the roof for like 20 or 30 or 40 minutes. And I get it. Like, that's what they're into. They can't control their pee, maybe. But that's what it is. They're just peeing and they don't realize it. How do you know, though? Why are you such an expert?

Me? Because I've never made a girl squirt. And if I can't make a girl squirt, Joe Rogan, then by God, it's not a real thing. Wow. Conclusion. Joe Rogan, then by God, it's not a real thing. Wow. Conclusion.

The present data based on ultrasonographic bladder monitoring and biochemical analysis indicates that squirting is essentially the involuntary emission of urine during sexual activity, although a marginal contribution of prostatic secretions to the emitted fluid often exists so what they're saying is it's primarily vaginal fluid or primarily urine with some vaginal fluid mixed in which is bound to happen if somebody's fingering a vagina like there's fluids in there so that's going to come out with the p that makes sense i want to know who the fuck was involved in this test. So this test, like, was done. They, like, fingered

these chicks. The chicks signed up to get fingered. Guys signed up to do the fingering. They must have, right? I mean, who does this test? The luckiest doctor of all time. Wearing a raincoat. Rubber gloves like the fucking Morton's Fisherman

feeding them lemonade seven women without gynecological abnormalities and who reported reoccurring massive fluid emission during sexual stimulation underwent provoked sexual arousal pelvic ultrasound

scans were performed after voluntary urination and during sexual stimulation just before and after squirting. This is all with references. Wow. Interesting. So that seems to say it is urine and it's involuntary release of urine so they think it's not peeing because it's just flying out and so this woman's mad and this is one of the comments one of the comments sample size of seven is not statistically significant by any scientific standard and have

been and there have long been theories that the female prostate is emptying into the bladder during arousal. Anyone who has encountered the copious amounts of clear fluid some women squirt knows it does not resemble what the same women pee into the toilet. The smell, taste, and even feel is entirely different. Often tinged with a musky odor and never adulterated with the smell of ammonia unless she failed to empty her bladder before sex. How many bitches are peeing on this broad? Like, she's like breaking down when it's good,

when it's bad, when it's real, when it's not. Furthermore, this research doesn't even ask the obvious question. Where is the prostate-specific antigen, PSA, coming from and how did it get into the bladder? Answer, female prostate. And if these researchers had done their homework, they would at least entertain that possibility before drawing their irresponsible conclusions.

Irresponsible. Like you're trying to take away her squirting. Right. Like she's got a fucking magic trick, and you're pulling the rabbit out of the hat and going, the rabbit, he's always been here, right? There's a fold and you pull him through and he's in the sleep. No.

Yeah. So people are banging up on her. This lady says, Veronica, you're just upset to find out that you've been peeing into your partners during sex. Sorry, bro. That's exactly what it is. Peeing on your partners during sex. That's exactly what it is and all those

people have to face it it's p it's been p all along well it seems like there's something there you know that argus hamilton joke where he talks about being richard nixon he goes it was me all along no forget it terrible tangentrible tangent. This is interesting, man. Oh, yeah. Because people, some people are really mad. But the woman, she does have a point in that it's only seven people. And, like, what if some chicks

just have crazy amounts of, like, genital fluid or vaginal fluid, and it actually does come out like pee through the same hole like it overwhelms their their bladder like they fill up with this stuff they make too much of it and they squirt it out i mean it makes sense they do make liquid right they make that liquid that gets them wet and sometimes girls get really fucking wet right and girls get really wet like that's a lot

of fluid yeah i think about that if they had like over-surgence of it and it pooled up inside their body and then it released through the bladder when it like overwhelmed their storage capacity, it kind of makes sense. Yeah. And that's also probably why it makes sense that it lasts so long. They have to do it for so long before they actually do it. Or maybe it only works when that stuff pools up and they have to pee. And then it all comes. they can't take it anymore exactly and it's like pee that this stuff is piggybacking on yeah squirty deeds done dirt cheap this is so funny this is guys funny this may be the sexual equivalent of reading what goes into a hot dog i know and yet i still like to eat one

once in a while just like i'm going to keep turning on the fountain what can i say it's hot right knowing that someone pees on her oh this is hilarious they have like stars like peeing stars or squirting stars this woman writes someone want Someone want to tell Cynthia Jennifer Flowers that female ejaculate is pee? No disrespect, but one of my favorite hobbies is cunnilingus, and I know that isn't pee. Those two ladies I posted, Cynthia forward slash Jason Flowers, I don't get that, cannot have that much fluid P in them

with the amount that they ejaculate in a session of course they can that doesn't make any sense those two ladies I posted cannot have that much P in them says that much fluid and then in parentheses P in them

that doesn't make any sense because we know you can piss up a storm. That's way more likely. Saying that they can't have that much in them if it was just P, that's hilarious. Wrong. It's not P.

You should be ashamed for publishing this erroneous article. Poor excuse for scientists. Having said that, it may contain some urine. Let me explain. They should have done their research prior to testing, and they might have known that the fluid comes from a spongy flesh lining the walls of the vagina. Spongy flesh lining on the walls of the vagina?

What is that? It is the squeezing from the intense orgasm that forces this fluid out of the walls and squirts out. It does not come from the female urethra like pee. Those are all caps with three, four explanation points. One, two, three. Three. Three explanation points.

Empty her bladder all you want. She'll still squirt a puddle. So how can it test like pee? Question mark, question mark, question mark. If they had done their research, women who squirt a lot, yes, all women ejaculate different quantities, will become dehydrated.

And a portion of the spongy flesh is all that separates the pee from the cavity, so the moisture will travel through the spongy porous walls to the other side voila pee tainted female ejaculation wow that doesn't sound kosher this lady sounds like a rem song or something everybody squirts come on man not everybody squirts i think she's saying everybody produces different amounts of that stuff yeah some people it doesn't. I think she's saying everybody produces different amounts of that stuff. Some people it doesn't squirt out.

By saying that, she's saying if it's just a drop and you get wet, then that's squirting. But it's not squirting. Wow, these people are funny, man. These people are really arguing this. It's like a hot subject. This guy says, I've only been with one squirter

and it was definitely urine in that case. Made a mess every time we had sex. Other people's experience may be different. And then the chick under is like, no, it's not pee unless you're doing it wrong. But then it's not squirt. I'm a squirter. My G spot. My G spot is the upper beginning of my vagina. If the G-door is stimulated in the right way, I squirt a lot and can several times. If my vagina was stimulated deep and up, my bladder as stimulated, and I pee,

they are two totally different in color, smell, and feel. That's a guy. That's an 11-year-old boy who made that. But it's a picture of a girl's face. How can you say that, man? Of course. Look, she's got a face. That's her. That's her. Wait, let me see her face. Oh, come on, buddy. That's a girl of a girl's face. How can you say that, man? Of course. Look. She's got a face. That's her.

That's her. Wait, let me see her face. Oh, come on, buddy. That's a girl. Oh, fuck. That's a young gal. That's her story. She's got a squirty vagina.

Disgustin'. Seriously, science. Proof that female ejaculation is just pee. This is her post. She's, like, really upset. She only has one follower after bragging all over the web that she's a squirter. Well, maybe she'll get more after we read this on the podcast. Nice gal.

Who squirts. Look, I don't know, man. I never experienced it. It might be real. The fuck do you know, Tony? Hey, I know this. I squirt like four times a day directly into a toilet. Do you ever squirt uncontrollably?

And does it come from somebody rubbing the outside of your vaginal door? I almost squirted my pants the other night on my way home from the comedy store. I haven't shit my pants in quite a few years now. It's been a while. I shit my pants a little bit maybe like a couple years ago. That was the last time. I've had a couple close calls from the crazy food that I eat and tons of coffee. I filled my underwear once coming home from Fear Factor.

Just filled it. I had to fart. And I farted in my car and just went, oh, no. Whoosh. Oh, my God. Just whoosh. Really? Filled.

Filled it. Filled my underwear. Wow. Just like a balloon. So I've always wondered, because I've come close a few times, like what happens? You have to walk inside. Took my underwear off. I got out of the car.

Just in the driveway or something. Yeah, got out of the car. Like an emergency. In the driveway. Just took my pants off. Wow. I think I put my shitty underwear in the trash. I don't really totally remember, because this was like during the Fear Factor days.

But I'm pretty sure I threw my shitty underwear away and hosed myself off and then went inside and and like threw my pants i cleaned my pants i didn't want to throw my pants away so i cleaned my pants those underwear were dead to me underwear cheap these are good pants so i hosed my pants off whatever was in it most of it was in the the actual underwear itself um then i just went took a shower and then knew that i couldn't fart wow i remember i was coming home i was in my car i just went oh no just fill just filled my underwear so like did you have to lift your butt up a little bit so that it didn't like smear up against your butt cheeks? No, it was in there.

It had a little pocket. There's no getting out of that. I just shit my pants. Oh, my God. So, yeah, it was probably, like, a tall Starbucks coffee of shit. You know, it wasn't, like, a full dump. That's a really long... A tall Starbucks coffee is a huge shit. It wasn't good. It wasn't good. I mean, there was a lot of shit. Tall Starbucks

coffee is a huge It wasn't good. It wasn't good. It was a lot of shit. Do you remember the episode of Fear Factor?

No. I can't remember that day so I can look back and find it. And we could all know that that was the day that you

shit your pants on the way home. Those fucking days, that show became a blur after a while. There's so many days.

So 148 episodes and then I think six more in the redo when we redid it in like 2011. But before that, 148 fucking episodes, at least three stunts per episode. Oh, God, it was so many. Crazy. So many days. It never ended, son. are you running out of gas i really am it's not even late it's 7 15 la time but i've been awake since like 8 a.m i worked out today yeah oh 8 a.m here yeah yeah what is that la time that's like two in the morning or some shit. We're 9 hours ahead. That's what we are.

Which is really weird. I'm like backwards. If I woke up at 8, that means... What is it? It's 4.12 now. So it's 4.12 here. And it's 7.12 in LA. 7.12 in the evening.

Yes. No, no. It's 4.12 in the afternoon. Or 4.12 in the morning here..12 in the morning here it's 7.12 at night in LA wow fuck that's crazy

yeah so different well I'm trying to stay awake quite honestly also as well because I have to work tomorrow at night like I have to be awake

at this time because the fights don't start until 10 also as well because I have to work tomorrow at night. I have to be awake at this time because the fights don't start until 10. So there's 12 fights. That's 6 hours of fights. 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, which is where we're at right now.

So at this time tomorrow I'll be just getting done work. And then it's back. Back. Back to California. In these floating paradise boats

in the sky. These fucking British Airways first class cabin seats. God, I could stay in one of those forever and slowly take over the world.ony hinchcliffe has office in front of british airways airplane like i could i could dominate yeah i could build like an enterprise like a comedy enterprise from one of those little little Little cubicles. Yeah. Yeah, you could do a lot of writing in there.

I was saying that the best one is Qantas, first class to Australia. It's insane. It's an apartment. It's an apartment. It's huge. I mean, it's an enormous space. It's bigger than this thing that we're in,

flying back to L.A. How long is the flight to Australia compared to here? Overall, it's a similar amount of time, but you're in the plane longer. I think the flight to Australia to Sydney is about 16 hours. Wow. And the flight here is we're about 10 or so, and then we do another three and a half, but then there's some downtime in between. We had like two hours of downtime. So it's real similar. As far as like takeoff to land in your destination, it's pretty similar.

It's probably almost identical. But this is the first of many podcasts. No, it's the first probably ever. We're going to do with an iPhone in a hotel in Stockholm at 4 a.m. But Tony's tapping out. So it's been beautiful, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoyed this podcast. I hope Jamie can actually turn this into something that doesn't sound like dog shit.

I think it will be able to work. Jamie's the man. I'm sure he's – Even he can't deal with that little mousy voice there all right ladies and gentlemen listen to kill tony um this monday i'm gonna be on kill tony who am i on it with i'm i'm gonna have an answer for you tomorrow when i wake up from this deep sleep deep deep deep sleep. Maybe Bert Kreischer. Yes.

All right, my friends. This has been episode one of Podcasts from a Hotel Room in Stockholm. Much love. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in to the podcast. And thank you to our sponsors. Thank you to Life Below Zero, which airs April 9th, Thursday, April 9th at 9pm, 8 central. That's when the new season starts. That's Life Below Zero, Thursday, April

9th at 9pm, 8 central on the National Geographic Channel. Thanks also to DraftKings.com. Go to DraftKings.com. Use the promo code ROGAN for free entry. Free entry in their $100,000 fantasy baseball contest on opening day.

That's DraftKings.com. And use the promo code ROGAN. All right, my friends. Thank you for tuning in. Much love. Take care. Big kiss. Bye-bye.