The Jordan Harbinger Show - 1063: Working for Kin Might Just Do You In | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

Constant belittling and a trip to Ukraine: The perks of working for your father-in-law. How do you escape the family business? Welcome to Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: You're working for your father-in-law's company abroad, but his constant belitting has pushed you to your limits. After he sent you on a risky trip to war-torn Ukraine that ultimately didn't benefit the business (and blamed you for the non-results), you're ready to bow out and make a go of it on your own. But how? Your father recently passed away in a plane crash, and you're struggling to support your grieving mother while also maintaining boundaries. How can you balance being there for her emotionally while also respecting your own needs and responsibilities? You're concerned about your 45-year-old husband's increasing memory lapses, which go beyond typical forgetfulness. As he won't acknowledge the problem, how can you convince him to seek medical attention without causing more tension? An unexpected turn of events has brought your troubled teenage nephew into your child-free home. You want to help, but the sudden responsibility is overwhelming. How can you provide stability for him while preserving your own lifestyle and boundaries? Recommendation of the Week: When he's feeling dapper, Gabe likes to shelter his dome with hats from SCALA. After a painful breakup with your high school sweetheart due to infidelity, you're struggling to re-enter the dating world. As a busy medical student, you're hesitant to make yourself vulnurable to potential hurt again. How can you overcome these fears and open your heart to new possibilities? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi. Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1063 If you love listening to this show as much as we love making it, would you please...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy med yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the only person that I'd let drag me to hot yoga in Santa Monica, Gabriel Mizrahi. I'm so glad you're bringing it up.

I can't wait to talk about it. That was a big win, by the way. Big win for the sweaty, shirtless Cabonito movement. Kabanito movement. Yeah, you dragooned me because we can't say Shanghai anymore, probably. Into your ridiculous little life, Gabe. And I'm not going to lie, it was pretty fun, despite the nausea and disorientation.

Yeah, I know. Loss of motor skills halfway through the class. You loved it. It was obvious. On the Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people. Don't worry. We're going to talk more about this.

People are like, wait, that's it? No, no, there's more. And turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. And hey, during the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, former jihadis, drug traffickers, war correspondents, neuroscientists. This week we had Chase Jarvis on building creativity.

Chase Jarvis found a creative live. He's a famous, world famous photographer, really an amazing dude, and a good friend of mine. We also had Ruth Whitman, author of Boy Mom, Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. So I talked with somebody did a pretty deep dive on, I hate the phrase, toxic masculinity, so we kind of talk about that, but we talk about some of the crazy internet masculinity and what is doing to kids. I feel the need to say this was not like an overly woke kind of thing, because people

like, ah, toxic masculinity, you're going to trash men. It's kind of the opposite of that, actually, so I think a lot of you will like that. We also had a skeptical Sunday last Sunday. We want to hear about your craziest dreams. A lot of people wrote it in with some wild stuff. We are interested in hearing your craziest dreams, your most wildest dreams. I mean, you know, keep it maybe PG-13, sadly. Maybe you just rate it off.

That's fine. Just nothing beyond that. I'm definitely curious to see what goes on in y'all's depraved minds. You can send those straight to Gabriel Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Fridays that we take listener letters offer advice, play the occasional obnoxious soundbite, and I guess I'll be roasting both Gabe and myself today because I can no longer claim the moral or aesthetic high ground when it comes to his cliches. No, you cannot. It's called hot yoga, but it was so hot. I was not emotionally prepared for- It's a hot yoga. It's not warm yoga, bro.

No, but I was like, oh, it's going to be warm. Like, yeah, it was going to be warm there. It's going to be hot in there. What if, what is it? I don't know, 100 degrees? No, 115 degrees. Like, just Saudi Arabia in the middle of the day in a tent and you're like, yeah, let's do yoga. And don't you dare ventilate or anything, that just gets rid of the humidity. We don't want that. No, this is a Riyadh level heat. And it's part of the reason that I go to the studio because they say hot yoga. It's like the hottest yoga in Los Angeles, as far as I know. Yeah. I love it, but it is intense. It takes a week or two to acclimate. So you were thrown into the deep end. I was. I mean, it was really like being in a sauna, humidity in the heat and the sweat,

except they're like, you need to now jump around and run around and do these poses that you can't do and then switch and then keep going and to do this. And you just, halfway through the class, I was like,

40% I have to pee, 60% I desperately need a break. And I sort of like stumbled like a drunken man out of the room, got some air, went to the bathroom, came back in and I could not find the place where I was.

This is not a large room. Okay, this is like, it's a small room full of people doing hot yoga And I was like, oh, there's a lady where my spot was. And then I was like, no, that doesn't seem right. I almost tapped her and was like, what are you doing? And she would have been like, get away from me.

I was wondering where you were for so long. And then I looked in the mirror and I just saw you standing in the back of the room looking like. Wandering. Yeah. Like planning how to get through the crowd of people and then being like, where's my mat? I don't know. You look like a dementia patient who went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And then it's like, wait, where am I again?

What year is it? That's where I was emotionally. What year is it? You know the hot yoga slaps when you forget historical facts. Right. or like your own name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even when we were warming up, no pun intended, I was dripping sweat just like stretching my towel

onto the mat. I was like, oh, this is not good. And I remember one time I was doing Downward Dog, which is like a standard yoga pose with your butt in the air and your hands on the ground. And I saw the ties of my shorts, you know, the little drawstrings. They had water just dripping off of them. And I was like, I'm so sweaty that not only on my shorts totally soaked, but they're dripping profusely.

That's the good stuff. So it's not even just me that's sweating. It's like my clothing is also just, it can't absorb any more water. It's over. No. It's a lifestyle, bro. I think so. Now you understand the cult.

Yeah. The first few times are very unpleasant. You did really well. By not vomiting. A couple other friends I brought have basically almost passed out the first time they came on their mat or they leave for 10 minutes and just chill in the lobby because it's too intense. Oh, yeah. It's hard.

It's really hard. But you can sort of see why it gets addictive because when you leave there, you're walking on air. I've never felt so flexi. I literally think I got taller because my hip flexors were so stretched out. And that's a rarity for me with all the sitting that I do. And then, of course, we had to complete the cliche by going to Arawan after, which is like this L.A. cliche market where, I don't know, probably Kim Kardashian gets all of her stuff. And it's a bunch of ridiculous products, but a lot of high quality food.

And yeah, it was just, it's good people watching. I'm so glad. That was really funny. We were driving home and I was like, should we just stop it, Airwan? It's on the way. I never go. but I feel like I just took you to a hot yoga class and this would complete the cycle.

I'm like, all right. And what did you get? You got like a peanut butter smoothie. Yeah, and all the smoothies are named after like dip shitty influencers and stuff. I don't want to mention names, but it's like you can order the whatever. And it's like, who is that again? Oh, some knucklehead like fake guru that is trending.

My favorite part of this week though was that we went to, what did we do the first time? We did sculpt the first time. Yeah. Which is like lightweights. and kind of like a mix of lightweight training and yoga. And then we went back on Friday morning early before your flight to go do bar. And I never thought I would see you in a bar class.

It was so great. Or any man in a bar class, really, any straight man in a bar class. So this is a ballet workout. And when we walked in, it was kind of like, okay. And then when they, I think when we weren't, you know, rhythmically gifted, like a lot of the girls there who were women there who are straight up dancer. I mean, there was a lot of. of hip movements where I'm like, my body doesn't do that. Not even just the stretching. I mean, I can't

Rhythmically shape. I can't Shakira my way through this particular segment of class. I just got to bend my knees more or something. I don't know. It's definitely more vulnerable. It's a weird class for guys like us to do. I do it every once in a while because it works these tiny muscles that we never get to work when we're usually doing our training. It's amazing. But there was such a great moment, dude. Like there's that part where we were in a squat and the teacher has us up on our toes, like tippy toes doing squats. And then she's like, and what was it like? Tilt your pelvis left and right.

And it was like this weird. It was like, take that booty on the left, right? Have fun with it, guys. And I was like, this is nothing about this is fun. It'll be fun when I'm done. We're like basically twerking. And then. Yeah.

And then she's like, and take it on the move. And you're supposed to like twerk while you go down for four counts and up for four counts. Yeah, impossible. You were doing it and you went for it, dude. You were like, you swung for the fences and I loved it. And then I started laughing and then I locked eyes with you in the mirror and I lost it. Lost it. Because I was just barely holding on.

I was like, I got to be mature about this. They don't need guys laughing. They're going to think we're laughing at them. And then it was over. I think thankfully the teacher was like, yeah, okay, it's a little bit. It's probably tough for you guys. No, it was amazing. Doing a bar class with Jordan Arbinger was one of the greatest moments of my life.

Not on the top of my list of things I needed to do again. would do a hot yoga again. I don't know about piping. By the Owen, it was hot bar, too. It's not just regular bar. It's a hot bar. Yeah, it's hot bar. The whole thing is just heat. Anyway, so many people are ready for this particular segment to be over. So before we dive in, I was thinking back on how I landed my first real job on Wall Street after law school and how my strategy back then was, so before I began, I was like, okay, I got to think of myself as lazier than all these other people. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter. I just have to imagine that the competition is going to work harder. So your only chance is a better strategy, right?

I'm not going to just like magically work harder than these amazing people. I need a better strategy. My strategy for law school was, all right, I'm going to get in here and work as if I am the dumbest person in the room, which is very possible when you go to a school like Michigan law. You might, I might have well been the dumbest person in the room. So imagine everybody there is smarter, more talented, and has a great work ethic. So then your only chance is to outwork those people. And I think that mentality has served me pretty well.

It's the old, overestimate your enemy, underestimate yourself idea. but applied to your professional life. So what this did for me was, I would go to class and be like, okay, everyone's really smart. I need to take really good notes. And during finals, I know that everybody is really, really smart.

They might even coast on that. I hope they do. I have to study more than everyone else. I have to read the cases again. I have to do more work that these people have probably forwent, right? Like, oh, I'm not briefing cases anymore. I'm doing it.

Right? Why are you doing that? Because it's the only way that it gets into my brain. Oh, isn't that a ton of work? Yes. That's the thing with super talented smart people. You can often outwork them, and they will very rarely step up to the plate. So a lot of people in law school who are really, really bright, they weren't lazy. They were still really good workers, but you can always put in more hours. Unfortunately, that's what law firms take advantage of, right? Like, look at all these people who put in on the hours and are smart.

Well, if you want to get promoted, you need to be at the top of that curve. So now everybody's there seven days a week billing hours, and it ruins your life. You can get there any situation like that, But I recommend that if you are in a situation like that, that you make sure it's a temporary situation for the sake of your own sanity. Does that make sense? Your only chance is to outwork the people who are more talented than you. Correct. I feel like that's something you should bring with you into bar class. I'm just saying.

Yes, that was my, that was why I swung for the fences with that hit thrust. A lot of natural talent in that room. All right, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailback? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm 41, and my wife and I welcomed our one and only child 11 years ago. A few weeks into parenthood, my wife realized that she'd, didn't want to handle baby duties solo while I was busy running my own business, so she relocated to her home country where her parents live. Whoa, okay. That's a really big decision to just move

to another country with your baby. I mean, wow. And when you guys aren't separating, right? It's not like she divorced you and moved. I don't want to chime in too early, but there's got to be a lot more to this story here. Yeah, it is curious. Let's try to come back to that. So he goes on, After a few years of this long-distance situation, my father-in-law suggested that I moved to be with my family and, conveniently, work for his family business handling overseas sales. After a lot of thought and probably too much optimism, I sold my business and made the move five years ago. I quickly realized that my father-in-law's favorite pastime was belittling me. If there's a microscopic issue, he'll zoom in and turn it into a catastrophe. Whether I'm at the office or at home, I've learned to keep my

mouth shut because whatever I say will somehow be wrong. Oof, that's a rough dynamic. I wonder if he does this to everyone or just him. Then a couple of weeks ago, he told me to go to Ukraine. Okay. Hey, son, can you go meet with the buyers and Donetsk? That's a little bit of a... Are you supposed to go to Ukraine right now to do business?

Is that a thing that people are doing? No amount of Marriott points is worth that trip right now. No. Also, I love the fact that the father-in-law is sending his daughter's husband on the trip. Dark Jordan is like, what's the real strategy here? Is he going to end up with a bag over his head when he crosses the border? I mean, I'm kidding, of course, mostly, but why not hire someone local to handle this? Walking into a war zone didn't exactly sound like a fun business trip.

Yeah, no kidding. No. My wife was also not thrilled. I brought up my concerns, and his response was, other people are doing it just fine. You're overreacting. Mind you, he has a son who's also involved in the family business, but guess who gets sent to Ukraine? Yep, not him, just me. She.

That's fascinating. I mean, that's his privilege as the boss, but man, what a blithely self-interested move to make. So I was already fed up, but I decided to go. Okay. Early Dark Jordan pitch. Let's hear it. Stage your own kidnapping in Ukraine. Okay.

Collect the ransom money. And your wife mercilessly punishes your father-in-law for the whole ordeal for the rest of his natural life. And he might not ease up on you from here on out, but you're going to be $100,000 richer. Yeah. And our cut is a mere 5% just to be clear. Right. Unless you need me to make the ransom call, in which case it's going to be 10%.

Like, we give your son, the one you do not like. The one you break down and never build back up. Exactly. Exactly. That's only sort of funny. Too close to home, maybe. I got to Poland, flew to Moldova, ready to drive into Ukraine. Then our lawyer in Ukraine messaged me saying there was a pile of paperwork missing

for the business meetings that I needed to have in Ukraine. So the whole trip was pointless. I immediately told my father-in-law and he said, postpone the trip. Great. I fly back to Poland, then to the Netherlands, and get to my hotel at 12.30 a.m. on a Sunday. After taking Sunday off, I got a text from him Monday morning

asking why I haven't written a report on the whole ordeal and how we can, quote, unquote, avoid it next time. Avoid what? War? Wait a minute. So am I missing something, Gabe? The father-in-law meant how to avoid this mistake in the future, right? Not how to avoid a war zone.

Yeah, so this is about to become clearer in a moment. But basically, I think what he's saying is, the paperwork they needed for these meetings was not available in the end because maybe the war caused some kind of bureaucratic issue. Got it, but still, all right, maybe I'm a dick boss, but is it totally unreasonable for his father-in-law to ask him how to avoid this in the future? Or is it part of his job to him? I have the same question. He could have just said, okay, here's my report. There was a war going on and it prevented us from getting the papers.

It sounds like he's being a tiny bit defiant here, even if the request is like maybe a little bit kind of snarky. Yeah, he's being a little oppositional or something. But he's pissed. I think that's part of it. I totally understand why he's pissed. Yeah. Father-in-law sent him to a war zone in a place that was potentially really unsafe

and he didn't want to go. So I'm just realizing how much their relationship has broken down. It's like when you have a difficult boss and then they give you a reasonable request or they make a fair point in a meeting or whatever, but it's really hard to take it in because you hate them so much.

I get that. Right. But also his father-in-law is the boss. The problem is his father-in-law is also kind of a prick, right? Well, just wait. So he goes on, I told him in the company group chat, no less, that this was entirely out of anyone's control and there's no way we could prevent

it from happening again. That seemed to hit a nerve. We went back and forth and he reminded me that as CEO, the ultimate responsibility is on him. Okay. My response? I'm the guy walking into a country with an act of war, so let's not play the who's more responsible game. He called me, but I didn't answer. We haven't spoken since. To put it mildly, we don't exactly gel personality-wise. No, yeah, we get that. Clearly. So this was in like the company group chat. Everyone saw this. Oh yeah. That was in the WhatsApp right there. Oof. So things are really bad. I got to say Gabe, I'm largely on our friend here's side for reasons that I think are probably obvious. But I'm also, I'm not sure I would have lob the grenade

in the company group chat to his father-in-law, to the CEO. You know, you know everyone else on the team was just eating popcorn during that exchange. Yes. Michael Jackson popcorn meme with that like goofy smile. It's incredibly awkward. But again, his father-in-law does, I hate to say it, have some kind of point. As CEO, the responsibility for results is on him. Good, he kind of got that ownership, but then he's also like, so that's why I'm blaming you. But it means pushing his people to do their jobs as well as possible, which might include being across this paperwork thing. We don't know whose fault this was. The lawyers, our friend hears, are just some random fluke no one's responsible for. But I could see a world in which he maybe should have checked if all the

paperwork was in place before he traveled out there. It's a little unclear if the lawyer was like, hey, I didn't get the papers, so don't come out. Or if it was like, oh, you didn't bring those papers, then don't come out. That's a little unclear from the letter, and that could change the level of responsibility. Like, if he's supposed to manage the local Ukrainian lawyer, it's on him. But if the lawyer's just like, hey, by the way, I didn't do my job, so don't come out here. That's a little bit different, potentially, if it's not his job to manage that lawyer. Anyway, that doesn't mean our friend here isn't being put in a crappy situation, but that can be true,

and it can be true that his father-in-law was not totally out of line in asking how to avoid it in the future. And maybe he should have waited until you were back in the office, but, you know, that's on him too. My brother-in-law also sides with his dad, which is just the cherry on top. Well, yeah. If it weren't for financial obligations, I'd have quit already. I've got some business ideas that could spin off from my current work, but starting a new business would take years to make profitable. And the last thing I need is my father-in-law accusing me of, quote-unquote, stealing business from him.

He thinks any idea even remotely related to his company should go through him. What would you do? signed looking for a new home while I dodge not one but two war zones. So Gabe, about that thing at the very beginning, how his wife moved home to be closer to her family because she was doing a lot of the baby duties alone, I think I understand that a little better now. I'm getting the sense that this father-in-law exerts a lot of influence in the family.

I'm not saying it wasn't her idea to move, but I'm also saying he might have been like, come on back. We have all your aunts and your mom here. I could see that. Yeah. Yeah, possibly. Look, if she's not calling the shots, like if the father-in-law orchestrated all this thing and that's how it played out,

that's a bit worrisome because A, that's our friend here and his wife's decision to make together. And it sounded a little bit unilateral just by the way he wrote it in the letter. And B, moving away like that is a huge separation trauma for baby and for dad. He said it was multiple years that his wife lived on another continent, which really sucks. Right. And C, that precipitated the invitation slash demand from his father-in-law to come work for him. It's not like, yeah, you can move your business here or you can get another job here. It's like, you should literally just work for me, which could have been a really good offer.

but now it sounds like here's all the jobs nobody else wants to do that are kind of dangerous, and those are yours now. We're not hearing a lot in this letter along the lines of, this is what I wanted. We're hearing a lot of, this is how things played out, and now I feel stuck, which I understand. But that might be part of the anger that he feels and why it's coming out in all of these intense ways all of a sudden, because he might feel pretty disempowered, kind of out of control. On the other hand, he did say that my wife realized she didn't want to handle the baby duty

solo while I was busy running my own business. So there might be another way to look at this, which is he was kind of distracted and perhaps absent and she was drowning. And the only reasonable option she felt she had was to move home. Fair point. And there's a lot of people I know here. They're like, I want to move back to my home country because I have six maids there and all the aunties and my mom. And when I live in the Bay Area, I have a housekeeper that comes once every two weeks to make sure that we're not drowning in dirt, but we have five kids. So it's, you know, I get the temptation to move back home where you have support when you have kids. But then my question is, what were those conversations like?

Did she come up to him and say, I'm drowning, I feel alone, I really need more support? Or was she just like, by the way, I'm moving back to, I don't even know where they live, France or something like that, Poland. And I'll see you later. Oh, and you can come in two years maybe. Like, what was the plan? He stayed home for a long time. That's a long time. And if she did give him a chance to make some adjustments, did he try to be there for her more?

Or did he just keep plowing ahead with his business? And she was like, well, I told you I needed help. You're not giving it to me. So I guess I have to go home. Yeah. Yeah, so interesting. Anyway, I realize this is all prologged to your real question. Sorry to spend so much time on it, but there is this whole other part of the story that's about you and your wife. Well, I mean, it might be prologue or it might be totally connected. Like you said, our friend here might have a pattern of caving to other people's wishes, his wife moving home, his father-in-law inviting him to come work for the family business, even this trip to Ukraine. So all of these might be symptoms of something more fundamental and actually very important, which is how does our friend here make big decisions, right? How does he balance? his own interests, his own wants with other peoples.

Whether he's uniquely vulnerable to a personality like this father-in-law, exactly. Totally. There's a whole chain of events here going back 11 years. So the other interesting detail here is when he gave his father-in-law peace of his mind in the group chat, his father-in-law called him, but he didn't answer. And then they haven't spoken since. Right. So how's his communication?

Is that really helping matters? I get the temptation to be like, I'm not picking up this call, but I else, you know, that did probably not a good move. I get his anger. I appreciate where he's coming from. but to drop a bomb on your boss and father-in-law and then to not pick up the phone in public and then to not pick up the phone when he calls, even if you are 100% in the right, that's not productive, right? If you're too angry to talk, you can say that. You can say, look, I'm sorry,

I'm a little worked up right now. Can we talk tomorrow when I've calmed down a little bit so we can figure this out? Fine. But it sounds to me like what he's doing is raging at his boss publicly, to your point, which is also not helpful and probably inappropriate. And then he's pulling away and avoiding the conversation where they might actually be able to get somewhere. So yeah, it's a fair question. Is that the way he communicates in general? Does he have a tendency to let his anger build for a while and then let it out in specific moments when it gets too much and then kind of retreat?

Or does he just kind of not communicate very much in general? Because if so, I wouldn't be surprised if that played out with his wife 11 years ago, too. And maybe that's part of the reason that she moved back home. And I know that I'm speculating here a little bit. And if I'm wrong, I'm sorry. But what I know for sure is not communicating well just makes everything more difficult. For sure, yeah, I do think you're on to something there. So I think we're starting to answer your question about what to do now.

You need to have some tough but important conversations, starting with your father-in-law. Your anger is partly warranted, but as I keep coming back to you, I'm just not 100% sure that this is all your father-in-law being a dick. He might be. He might be kind of a tyrant. He might be putting you in dangerous situations and prioritizing his son. He might be blaming you for stuff that wasn't under your control. and the way you're responding to him, which is being informed by over a decade of experiences

and choices that you participated in, that is not helping matters. At a minimum, you need to find a better way of communicating your anger and finding solutions that'll help you avoid these flare-ups. So if I were you, I'd talk to your father-in-law about the aspects of your working relationship that are challenging for you. Own your piece of this conflict. Apologize for it where necessary. Tell him what you need to be happier at work and see if you guys can find a more harmonious relationship. And I would get clear on responsibilities and expectations that feel fair to both of you. You know, that conversation is going to be very hard. To your point earlier, Jordan, their relationship has broken down quite a bit. So there might be a piece of this conversation that is just about

foundational rebuilding between them. Like, I have said some things, you have said some things. I have not helped. You have also met me in a certain way. We need to sort through all of that. And then let's talk about the crisis at hand. But while you do that, I would make room for your father-in-law to share some things that might be potentially a little difficult to hear, including his own feelings about how you've handled things and possibly some feedback about how you're showing up at work. You have to kind of separate the message from the messenger here, and you also have to remember that at the end of the day, this guy is your boss as well as your father-in-law. And I just want to acknowledge that is really hard. I do not blame you for struggling with this. This is why doing

business with family is so tricky. It's also why family-run businesses often create a lot of dysfunction and a lot of frustration, especially for the people who are not in that family. Honestly, it's usually a mess, and the people who are not in the inner circle tend to develop a lot of resentment. You know what's funny, you're kind of the Tom Wamsgams in this family, and you'll never have the loyalty that your brother-in-law does, and that sucks, and it's really hard. Tom Wams, this feels like a secession reference. Succession, sorry, different word. That's okay. You said secession?

I did, yeah, not civil war. This has nothing to do with Confederates. I mean, that show that you talk about all the time. He's a little civil worry, yeah. That's him. He's like the guy who's only, he's kind of on the outside. He married the daughter and the family, and he's always on the outside and he wants to be one of them, but he's not really one of them. Right. Look, this is a tough spot to be in, but if you stay at this company, you got to learn how to navigate all of this better. And if there's no progress to be made here, if the situation is truly untenable for you, then it's time to consider leaving. That might, in fact, be the best solution here. I wouldn't blame you for leaving. But I wouldn't do it before trying to work on things,

especially because you don't have a profitable business or a job offer you can walk into tomorrow. The best advice I can offer you there is if there's a business you want to start, I would just start quietly working on it on the side, nurture it while you hang on to this job. There's nothing wrong with that to how most businesses start. If your father-in-law is going to want a piece of it, maybe you give a mistake in it or you make him a passive partner, which might be a terrible idea. Or you hire an attorney to advise you on how to pursue an idea related to the business without him controlling it. I imagine that's going to come with its own challenges.

Yeah. like you stole my idea. Sounds like you would. That's hard. But look, while you do that, I would also be talking to as many people as possible in your industry, building relationships of your own,

generating new opportunities, whether it's a job offer or a consulting gig or the support you need to start your own company. Maybe Ukraine is hiring right now. I know you love that place. Part of your problem right now is that you need your in-laws company to survive.

You're locked in. And that probably makes you feel even more disempowered, even more resentful and even more stressed. And that equation really needs to change. It starts by taking your own needs and relationships much more seriously. I'm glad you came back to that needs piece because I think this crisis is an opportunity for him to come back to himself again in general, not just with his job, but in his entire life. He's made a lot of decisions that were mostly beneficial to other people. His wife, which is fair on some level,

his father-in-law, which maybe was less fair. And yeah, he had some good reasons to do that. I get it. But like we said at the top, where is he in all of this, right? How can he take care of his wife and child without losing himself in a company and a country that he doesn't entirely want. It might be hard to separate, but it's not impossible. The other important conversation you might want to have is with your wife. You haven't talked much about her here, but I'd be curious to know how she feels about all of this, what she wants out of the situation, how she might help you balance your obligations to her father and to yourself. The better you two communicate, the more manageable this whole transition is going to be. In the meantime, seriously, stay safe in Ukraine, look for ways to be a team player while you also

appropriately stand up for yourself and trust that this will eventually work itself out, either you're going to stay and become a better colleague and partner, or you're going to leave the company and build a life that feels fairer and more authentic to you. Either way, you win. But you've got to face these situations head on. No more dropping bombs in the company slack, no more dodging phone calls, no more censoring yourself and bottling things up until you explode. Learning to have this healthy conflict, it's only going to make your arguments stronger, and it'll give you the information you need to make the best decisions for yourself. sending you and your family a hug, wishing you all the best, and hey, message me on telegram if you need that ransom call.

I'm available, just saying. You know what? You won't need to stage a fake kidnapping in order to afford. The fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. All of the deals, discounts, and ways to support the show are searchable and clickable over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hey guys, my father recently passed away in a plane crash, and since then, it's been an emotional journey trying to support my mother. While I don't mind being there for her, I seem to run into one problem over and over again. One moment she's crying on my shoulder and I'm supporting her, and the next

moment she's telling me I need to do this, that, or the other thing around the house. I don't mind helping out around the house, but I'm finding it a struggle to be both an emotional support and a respectful son to her during this time. Do you have any advice on how to fulfill my different obligations to my mom right now? Signed, managing all my fiefs while we weigh through this grief. Oh, man, well, first of all, I am so sorry to hear about your father. What a tragedy. A plane crash. It's super intense. You and your mom must be in a world of pain right now. It's awful. I'm just so sorry you guys are going through it. I had a friend whose father died in a plane crash. Of course, you know, when you fly your own plane, those things are quite dangerous. And it's always sudden,

Right? Because it's something he's done 100 times. And then it's just one day, it's like dying in a car crash. Just one day that somebody just doesn't come home. It's a nightmare. What a nightmare. My first thought is, I think you need to give your mom and yourself a decent amount of grace right now. You guys are experiencing very fresh grief. It's very painful. It's probably very chaotic. And I would just imagine neither of you is operating at your best right now. Grief, especially grief at losing someone in this way. It can kind of make you a little nuts. You know, your mom might be just a little short with you sometimes. be scatterbrain. She might be irrational sometimes. She might not always know how to ask for what she needs in a polite way. She might not even know what she actually needs. So during this period,

it would be super kind and helpful of you to be more forgiving than usual. Over time, of course, your mom's going to probably require a lot less of you. Her grief will settle down. Yours will as well. You guys will be in a new normal. I'm sure that it'll always be hard, but it's not going to be hard in the same way. At the same time, though, you got to make room for your feelings to I'm not telling you to just bottle it all up. If your mom occasionally gets under your skin, if she's driving you a little nuts, if her demands seem confusing or unfair sometimes,

hey, that's legit, man. I get it. And my advice to you there is, find some healthy ways of expressing that. You can vent to friends, you can turn to other family members. You can talk to a therapist. BetterHelp.com slash Jordan is a good place to vent.

You don't have to deny your own normal reactions or shut them down because your mom needs all your attention. And everyone sort of lets this go, myself included. You got to make sure you're taking care of yourself. Sleeping decently, if you can, exercising, maintaining a life of your own, continuing to pursue or at least move forward on your own goals when you're ready, whatever you need right now. I find whenever I'm going through some ish, I'm like, I'm going to get in great shape,

because you can really focus a lot and put a lot of energy into that. And it's really hard to worry about little gripes you have when you're on your seventh mile rucking or on your thousandth stairmaster step or whatever it is. Look, you're both going through this. You both deserve the space and support to work through this grief. And once you guys enter a new phase of this journey through grief, if your mom is making it hard for you to do that, that might be something you share with her. It's totally fair to say, mom, I know how hard this is. I don't mind supporting you and helping out around the house, but sometimes I find it hard to do everything all at once. And to tell her what you might need from her in order to make this period more doable

for you. Hopefully she can hear you and you guys can find the best balance together. Maybe she becomes more thoughtful about what she asks of you or how she asks. Maybe there's a list of stuff you got to get done that week and you can do it whenever you want. She doesn't have to nag you. You're not sitting down for the first time all day and she's like, I thought you were going to take out the trash and repaint the, it's like, it's on the list. Here's when it's going to happen. You could share a calendar, Google calendar, and you're like, look, it's scheduled for Saturday morning. I got it covered ma. You don't have to remind me 17 times. Maybe you get better at speaking up when you can't do something right away. Maybe you just both adjust your expectations of each other a little tiny bit.

Or maybe nothing big changes, but you just get a little bit better at listening to each other, which is key. And remembering, you know, that you're both in this very, very difficult process. Yeah, exactly. The more you guys can talk, the better you guys are going to navigate this extremely difficult chapter together. You guys don't need to be perfect. You just need to be open and sensitive to each other. But listen, I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your dad.

I can only imagine how painful this must be. Losing a parent is always hard, but losing a parent in such a tragic way so unexpectedly, so suddenly, this is a huge trauma. It's a heartbreaking loss. So my heart really does go out to you and your mom. I hope you guys are holding up. I hope you guys find a way to talk that makes this transition as loving and productive and fair as possible.

And like we saw in the last question, this is never going to be easy, but it also doesn't have to be harder than it has to be. We're sending you and your mother a huge hug and wishing you all the best. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use descriptive subject lines that makes our job a whole lot easier. If you're struggling to deal with a Holocaust denier in your family, your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall,

or you're debating whether to report your former abuser for having access to new victims. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday atjordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Every time I read those things in a row, I'm always struck by how severe some of the stuff is that we handle. It's different when you spend 10, 15 minutes on a question of when you just go, you know, gist, just, just, you just go, gosh, there's some stuff going on out there. By the way, y'all, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter Webit Wiser. It's basically a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you, delivered right to your inbox once a week. If you want to

keep up with the wisdom from our thousand-plus episodes, apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. It's a great companion to the show, and we keep it under two-minute read. It's not going to be one of those big things you get, and you're like, oh, I got to save this for later. Sign up at Jordan Harbinger.com slash news. All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, my 45-year-old husband is showing signs of memory loss that goes well beyond forgetting where he set his keys down. For example, he told me that he met our friend's new partner and that she had a grandson. But then, after meeting her for the first time a few days later, I mentioned to my husband that she looked way too young to be a grandmother. He was shocked and said that he had no idea she was a grandmother, then argued with me saying that he

definitely was not the one who told me that. Honestly, this sounds like me sometimes. Does it? Jen and I will meet someone. Yeah, maybe I should be worried. Jen and I will meet someone and they'll tell us something and I'll be like, yeah, I don't remember that. And she'll be like, Tom said that.

And I'm like, who's Tom again? And she's like, are you kidding me? The guy in the hat, the one you had dinner with last night, across the table for you? And I'm like, oh, I literally don't remember his name. That's a good point. Or that he said any of those things. Why? I like to think it's because I'm distracted by other stuff.

But maybe it's stress. But this is a little bit alarming now that you. you mention it. Fascinating. Yeah. I didn't realize that. Like, your mind is just somewhere else. I think so.

I think I'm sort of autopilot socializing with some people and I'm like, oh, that was the person's name. I don't even, I barely remember anything we talked about because I was like phoning it in. Yeah, I think that happens. Interesting. I mean, you don't strike me as demented. So I don't think there's any dementia going on. Possibly some ADHD multitasking where I'm really at home working on a complicated email.

But I'm, I seem to be at this table. having brisket with random new strangers and listening to you about your career. That might put our friend here to use a little bit because the letter goes on, this is just one of many examples, but these things are happening more frequently, and our kids, 21, 19, and 14 are concerned too. I want to get him checked out, but because he doesn't remember what we're talking about, he thinks we're remembering wrong and refuses to address it. How do I go about making him realize that there's something going on that he needs to get checked out when he doesn't even know what he's forgotten, signed confronting my husband point blank about the fact that he's

drawing these blanks. I do see a difference here, though. So he's like, there's nothing wrong with me. And I'm like, oh, yeah, no, there was something wrong with me. I was totally in another place last night. I'm not going, no, I remember everything. Who's Tom? Oh, the guy across from me. Like, I know the gap is there. It's not like I think I remember the whole night, but I actually have a massive black hole and I don't believe multiple people who tell me otherwise. I'm not doing that. He's also rejecting her. That's true. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'm just like, gosh, yeah, how did I miss his name? What a knucklehead. Not like, no, I remember the whole thing. And by the way, I was completely wrong about it. And the other thing with his kids telling him, it's one thing if it's like, oh, she always misremembers. I've got a friend who tells me that I don't listen. She's sometimes right. But then she is actually the one that doesn't listen very well. And it's kind of a known joke, even her husband agrees with me. But like, if three or four people tell me, no, this thing is another way, it's weird to argue with them. Why would you do that? Unless that makes it. scarier for him, and that might be why he's rejecting it. There's also something funny about the way she framed the question, like when he doesn't even know what he's forgotten. Yeah. How do you,

like, how can you remember something you've forgotten? Yeah, slash maybe never happened in your mind? Yeah, kind of made me chuckle a little bit the way that, yeah. I guess what she's saying is actually, now I'm understanding. If he can't remember stuff, how is he going to remember to go to the doctor? Is that what she's saying? I think so, but also, I think what she meant was realized that he has a problem in the first place, right? Because he's all like, no, everyone else has a problem. I don't have a problem. He's in denial. And this is obviously concerning.

But how concerning? I'm not entirely sure. This could be memory loss. It could also just be him really not paying close attention to conversations and it's not being coachable with it or not fully listening when people talk and then confusing the facts afterward and just being kind of too arrogant to maybe listen to anybody else about that problem. And then because he's not paying close attention, he's not remembering that it happened.

And therefore he's not believing that he's the one who said this thing about this Don't get me wrong. That would still be concerning, but it's concerning for a different reason. Either way, though, if it's happening a lot and it's getting more frequent, as she says it is, it's definitely something he needs to look at because obviously my first move would be to see a psychiatrist or a neuropsychologist who specializes in doing cognitive tests and diagnosing dementia. The challenge is getting him to actually go. He's saying, no, you're remembering wrong and just refusing to address it. If somebody, if Jen and you were like, yeah, Jordan's brain's not working right, I would make that appointment tomorrow. My guess is that it's embarrassing for him to admit that he might have a memory issue

and he doesn't want to go to a doctor and find out there's something serious going on. I am not of that mentality. If anything, I'm like, there's a little discoloration on my skin. Is it cancer? And they're like, no, you have an age spot. Congrats. You're getting old. And I'm like, cool. Good thing I postponed my flight to Taiwan for $1,000 to come and see you about this. I'm that way. So you need to approach him in a way that A, makes him understand why you're concerned, but B, doesn't freak him out too much, because obviously being freaked out, he runs away, I run to the doctor. Maybe you sit down and gently point out all the times that he remembered things incorrectly or not

at all and why that concerns you. Maybe you ask him if it's hard to hear that, and if so, why? And while you do that, I would be very compassionate and patient with him. You don't want him to freak out. You don't want him to shut down. Also, I would consider inviting your kids to have this conversation with you, so he hears this from multiple people, multiple adults who are close to him, and he can't brush it off as easily, right? If it's you, he's like, oh, you're trying to pull, but if it's the kids, it's like,

oh, okay, these are all the people that care about me and they all agree. It's like an intervention. They all agree this is a problem. And you can also say, look, honey, it's extremely likely that there's a serious issue at your age. But wouldn't it be great to rule out the obvious stuff? And if there's something to address, we can address it on our own. That might put him at ease at least a little bit. You might also want to tell your husband how his memory issues are affecting you and maybe other parts of his life because I imagine that it's easy to brush off this thing about saying that somebody had a grandchild when they don't have a grandchild, but it's a lot harder to ignore your spouse sitting in front of you saying, when you don't remember things accurately, it makes me

worried, it makes me feel like I can't always trust your version of events, it makes me feel more distant from you, however you're feeling right now. He might respond to that more than you have a problem, we need to go to the doctor. Totally. He needs to understand the stakes of this memory issue or the ripple effects in his life. I mean, this could be. affecting his career, his friendships, who knows what else. But again, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the worst case scenario here. Early onset dementia like this is so rare. It's possible that your husband is just engaging with people in a certain way that doesn't stick. Or he has some processing and coding quirk or something that mixes up details or makes it hard to remember things. Or he's willfully

forgetting things so he doesn't have to own the fact that he misremembered an interaction. Doesn't mean he's going full Julianne Moore in that movie Gabe mentioned a couple months back. Still Alice. Yeah, still Alice. That's it. Which I still haven't seen. and not just because Alec Baldwin is in it. You know, I don't need that. It's just because I don't want to watch two hours of one of the finest actors of our generation decline mentally. It's not how I want to spend a Saturday night.

I'm more of a Paw Patrol guy these days. Yeah, I hear you. But here's an idea. Maybe you can watch the movie with your husband this weekend. And then afterward, you can turn to him and go, like, do you want me to be Alec Baldwin in this situation? Just totally blindsided and not equipped to deal with your dementia? Can we please get out ahead of this?

It's a little dark game peeking out, right? Like, we're going to watch this movie. It's entertaining. Oh, and also, you could. be the person whose brain stops working if you don't go to the doctor. I'll give you a dark gay dementia related watch list for you and you guys can just do a marathon viewing. That should take care of it. Maybe if they watch enough movies about people going nonverbal, he'll book the appointment himself. Or he'll be like, what was that movie we watched last night? I don't even remember any of the

details. Yeah, I shouldn't joke about that. This is obviously scary. Bottom line, she just needs to talk to him in a new way, do an intervention, but an intervention about his memory, as if he's addicted to forgetting, I guess. But very gentle, very loving. whatever you do, don't assume the worst or catastrophize until you have all the information. Just get your husband in with the specialist. Do the test. See what you find. This could be totally solvable. But he's going to have to solve it by paying closer attention when people talk, taking better notes when he has conversations, not clinging to a certain version of events if he's not 100% sure or just being better about admitting when he's made a mistake, which is the next phase

of this conversation. Wishing you guys the best and crossing my fingers for good news. Now, don't forget to check out these demented deals on the products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors. All of the deals, discount codes and ways to support the show are searchable and clickable over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. You can also email me, Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. If you can't find a code, you're not sure if there's a code.

I'm happy to surface that for you because it really is that important. that you support those who support the show. All right, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hey, guys, 15 years ago, my older brother got out of a relationship with a woman who had three kids. He then quickly rebounded

to another woman who had a one-and-a-half-year-old child. Within a few months, she became pregnant with her second child, my brother's first biological child. They stayed together and ultimately ended up with three kids over the last 14 years, the one from her previous relationship

and two more. They fought constantly, and it had a terrible effect on the kids. The mother eventually got her own place, their breakup was not amicable, and the oldest child bounced between her house and my brothers. He never really felt comfortable at my brothers because, quite frankly, my brother treated him differently from the other kids. A couple months ago, the oldest, who's now 17, moved out to live with a girlfriend. He then went on to live in a hotel with two other people and was essentially homeless, as he didn't have a permanent residence. He also didn't have a cell phone plan, so couldn't be contacted. Earlier this week, I was contacted by a relative who told me that my nephew was getting kicked

out of this hotel and didn't have a place to live. His mom said she didn't have gas to get him and seemed fine with just letting him figure it out on his own. Oh, man, this is really sad. My husband picked him up, and he's now living with us for the time being. He's behind in school, has no ID, and showed up with four garbage bags. of possessions. We live in a rural area where a car is a necessity, but he doesn't have a driver's license or even a permit. I'm trying to get him on the right track to be successful, but because

I'm not a legal guardian, I'm struggling to get basic things like a birth certificate and to enroll him in any sort of school or program. We've gotten him a cell phone, helped him study for his permit test, and set up an interview with the local job training program, which also offers students a chance to earn their GED. My husband and I have chosen to not have kids, and now find ourselves with a teenager who has had little to no support the last several years. We don't want to do this forever, but feel obligated to at least provide him some stability for the time being. I'm angry that his parents abandoned him and have taken no ownership of the situation. Do you have any advice on steps we should be taking to make this less overwhelming? Do I need to get power of attorney

privileges before I can enroll him in any programs? Signed, letting a kid in need sleep here when we're not our nephew's keeper. Oh man, this poor kid, he sounds like a bit of of a mess. He's lost. He's disorganized. He's all over the place. His mom's reaction to all this, though, it just speaks volumes. If she's reacting to his situation like this now, I'm going to go ahead and guess she's treated him similarly her whole life. I'm connecting some dots here. But if his parents weren't very involved, if they didn't teach him some fundamental life skills, if he didn't feel loved and valued, yeah, I can see how somebody like that ends up in this position. So the fact that you and your husband have taken him in, it's incredibly kind of you. But I also hear you that

it's overwhelming sometimes and not really part of your life plan. So my advice is, yeah, help your nephew get back on his feet. Help him get involved in some programs, by all means, but do not do all the work for him. He needs to show you that he's ready and willing to make good on all of your help, that he wants to receive your help as much as you want to offer it. Now, I know he's kind of a mess. He might not know what he wants. And let's remember, he's 17. He's super young. He's not like a child, child, but come on, 17? What did you know at 17? Jack Squat, that's what.

He's still a kid, and he's one who grew up with some major disadvantages. This is not somebody who was taught to be a self-starter, obviously, so you have to give him some grace there. But still, at 17, you can be the sort of teenager who goes, all right, I think I'm a mess, I need help, thank you for helping me. Here's how I'm going to show up to these opportunities

that you're creating for me. And also, bear in mind, it sounds like he was maybe not taught that he can do stuff. So he might have some self-confidence issues that you need to address as well. While you do all this for him, I'd keep checking in with him, drawing him out.

Instead of just like signing him up for a job training program, maybe you go to him first and say, hey, look, I found this program. It looks pretty awesome. It sets you up for these kinds of experiences and training. I think it would be a huge leg up.

But what do you want? Are you ready to get your diploma equivalent? What kinds of work are you interested in? If we help you apply, do you promise to attend every day? Are you going to study the stuff for your GED, all that stuff? And let him answer those questions

and actually listen to his response. If he's like, I don't know, maybe we'll see. I would tell him the following. Well, look, bud, we're here to help you get back on track, but I want to be your partner in this. I'm not your mom. I'm not you. You got to drive here.

I'll champion you. I think this program's a great idea, but you know, you need to want it too. And if he doesn't engage with any of this, maybe you back off a little bit, see how he responds. And if he never engages with you on anything, then maybe at some point you tell him, hey man, we love you, we believe in you, but you got to figure this out on your own.

But look, I think if he does engage with you, even a little bit, you'll be giving him a double gift, your support, and the space for him to step up, get in touch with his goals, and go after something. And by the way, same thing with the small stuff, like getting a copy of his birth certificate. He can fill out the form and get a copy. Man, that's so easy. He can call his mom and ask her for the information that he needs. You are not his personal assistant. Invite him to tackle these things with you. And you know what that'll do when he's like, oh, I can get a form, oh, I can do this other thing, oh, I can file for this. He's going to start building confidence that sounds like his mother just never taught him to do. And that's also one way that this won't get

too overwhelming for you personally. So basically be there for him, but don't eclipse him. Exactly. Don't rob him of the opportunity to get reinvested in his own life, possibly for the first time, maybe not even reinvested. Maybe this is the first time. Totally. Well said. And also keep an eye on your boundaries, your nephew obviously needs your help. I'm sure it's very tempting to want to step in and save him and do all of the work because, frankly, he's kind of helpless. But you have to also honor your limits, your feelings, your values. So if this starts to feel overwhelming, that's a good moment to stop and ask yourself, am I taking on too much here? Am I getting some signals that he really truly appreciates my investment, that he's going to capitalize on it? Or is he kind of showing me that he's

not ready to do that? Is there some other way to do this that's more sustainable? To me, I think there is, and it involves collaborating with him and possibly finding a way to collaborate a little bit more with his mom who's really sitting back and I think failing him here. I agree. That really isn't sitting well with me. Her son is living with his uncle and aunt, depending on them in a number of ways, and she's all, I don't have gas to pick him up. You deal with it.

Just zero shame. Which, if that's true, then his mom is in dire straits herself, right? And maybe doesn't have the resources, financial and perhaps emotional to care. to care for her own child, which is so tragic. Yeah, that is objectively tragic. And like I said, I'm sure that's left quite a mark on this young man. Yeah. But also, even if you literally can't drive to pick your child up, you find other ways of helping for crying out loud.

You call. You check in with your ex-sister-in-law and ask what you can do to help. This woman should be kissing our friend here's feat for what she's doing for her child. That's the part that just pisses me off. Well, right. And the other boundary they have to think about is how long do they want to give this guy a place to say and support him because this can't go on forever. No, it can't, especially because they've chosen to never have children. They have their little bubble and now, bam, here's a teenager who needs

a ton of support and has disrupted everything. It's like a sitcom or something. Totally. But the answer to that question really does depend on how this kid responds to their help. If he cleans up his act and he gets his degree and he throws himself into job training, which might not happen overnight, but, you know, could happen eventually. I could see them going, this is really amazing to watch. It's so rewarding. What a turnaround. And maybe he stays for six months or a year, whatever, especially if he finds a way to pay rent. But if he's just faffing off and living off them and not putting in much effort,

then yeah, at a certain point, you got to draw a line. That's a really tough conversation to have, but it's totally fair. And you know, it might be worth planting that seed now. Like, hey, look, man, we're going to support you in the following ways. And we're happy to have you here for, let's say, six months, come March or whatever. We want to reevaluate.

We want to see if this arrangement is working for both of us. We're hoping you use this period to grow and invest in yourself. But if that's not what you want to or you don't put in the work, we're going to lovingly ask you to find your own sources of support. Something like that. Not like, we're kicking your ass out in March. You better get your crap together. Like, it doesn't have to be that harsh.

As for getting power of attorney privileges, I did some quick research and yes, getting a power of attorney can be helpful, maybe even necessary to enroll a minor in certain programs. But it seems that in less formal contexts, like possibly a job training program, a notarized letter from the minor's parent or parents, something granting you temporary guardianship or their consent for specific purposes, that might be enough. So your best bet is to check the specific requirements of the places you're hoping to enroll him or get somebody on the phone, tell him your story, ask him what you need. That way, you don't spend tons of time and money trying to get a power of attorney over him for nothing, especially if he's only going to be in your care for a couple

months and doesn't do the work. So that's how I do your nephew, this kindness, without losing yourself in the role and becoming overwhelmed and drowning in it. He is insanely lucky to have you guys in his corner. I hope he eventually understands and realizes what a gift that is. And I hope he makes the most of it. Good luck. My recommendation of the week this week is a hat brand called Scala, S-C-A-L-A. I've always, sorry, I've got to tell you, I've always loved hats on people, but I never thought that I could be a hat guy. It just seemed like a huge leap to make. But then I started buzzing my hair a few years ago and I needed to protect my head all the sudden. So I started wearing caps as you know, like my beloved Cabonito hat. Iconic. But those don't actually protect your

face and your neck from the sun and you can't dress up with them. Like you can't wear them to a restaurant a night or whatever. So a couple months ago, I was, it's so funny, I was just talking about my friend Brenna. I was at her house. It was actually the same party where I saw her use the instant camera that made me want to buy one. And it was outdoors and it was really hot and sunny and I needed a hat so I didn't get sunburned. So I grabbed her boyfriend, Forrest. He had this hat lying around. It was a Scala hat.

And the moment I put it on, I was like, oh, this is it. This is the hat. I have officially become hat guy. So I bought one for myself and I am obsessed with it. So there's this one style. It's not a fedora though, right? It's not a fedora. I feel bad for people who love fedores and look good enough.

I do, but also like they are quite cliche. And it's sort of Dungeons and Dragonsy at this point. It's a fair question to ask me when I live in the city I live in. I am a big fan of this one style they have called the Dakota. It's 100% wool felt hat with a, it has a feather and a leather band on the side. Okay. It really walks a nice line between Teddy Roosevelt on his horse and a guy grabbing an oatmeal latte in Venice, which is more or less the vibe I'm going for.

But all their styles are great. So go check them out. We'll link to two places that you can buy these hats in the show notes. Yeah, that is a solid wreck, Gabe. I did see, of course, wearing that when we sat outside on your balcony. I was all like, howdy, partner? I know. I kind of looked like Woody from Toy Story that day.

I don't know why. Yeah. Well, it was more Indiana Jones at a sound bath in Topanga Canyon. I'm not going to lie. That is not the worst aesthetic. I'll take it. Seriously, I know I'm making funny, but the hats do look fly a.F. Solid wreck.

I was like, oh, that's a really nice hat, which I never say that. When I see people in hats, I'm kind of just like, okay. No, it's a really, really nice hat. Solid recommendation. Also, by the way, y'all, in case you don't know, there's a subreddit for our show if you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes. If there was an episode you really liked or an episode

you really didn't like or you want to share some additional thoughts or learn more from other people in our show fam, definitely check it out, some cool conversations happening over there. You can find that on Reddit. Just search for the Jordan Harbinger subreddit and you'll find us. All right, next up. Hey guys, I'm a 26-year-old woman finishing up my last

year of medical school. After a nearly six-year relationship with my high school sweetheart, I ended things a few years ago after finding out about some infidelity. The breakup felt like a relief, but I've had a hard time recovering, as I feel like I never got an apology or the closure that I wanted. Since breaking up, I feel almost no interest in re-entering the dating sphere. It might be a lack of self-confidence, although I've always been very headstrong and sure of myself. I can't help but assume the worst in the opposite sex, that they only want one thing, that they want a girl who is conventionally

attractive rather than someone more career-focused or that I will inevitably be disappointed. Sometimes I think that dating would just be a waste of time as I enter an extremely busy time in my surgical residency, but I think part of me subconsciously uses this as an excuse to protect myself from rejection. What advice do you have for getting back out there and feeling more comfortable putting myself in a position to be hurt again? Signed, getting back in the ring after stomaching a major sting from a guy who was once my everything. Really good question. First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. Getting cheated on sucks, I'm sure, getting cheated on by your high school sweetheart after six years, especially if you didn't get the closure you wanted, I'm sure that's

even more painful. That'd throw anybody for a loop so I can understand why it's left you with all these difficult thoughts and feelings. That said, I know it can be hard to settle down with your high school sweetheart. And if your ex cheated on you, whatever the circumstances were, that just tells me that he was, well, not ready to settle down with you for the long term. I'm sure you already know this, but it's really important that you guys found that out sooner rather than later, because you could play that tape out another decade or more, and you can imagine the challenges that might arise. You're 26. You are so young. There's an argument to be made for having time and space to be on your own for a bit, and also for dating around and having a few other relationships.

So let's talk about where you are right now. You're generally sure of yourself. You're a freaking doctor. I'm sure you have a reasonable degree of confidence, as you should, but you might be feeling a little off right now. I think both are probably true. Oftentimes we're hyper-confident in one area and fairly insecure in another. Sometimes that's why we're so hyper-developed. You're also left with some difficult feelings about men, that they just want sex, they want a certain type of woman, you ultimately won't want them, whatever it is, and you also wonder if you might be self-protecting to some degree because you don't want to be hurt again, which I completely understand. So look, all of those feelings might be informed by the trauma of this breakup.

And if that's the case, then your job is to work through those wounds on your own. Time helps a lot. And obviously so does therapy, good friends, new experiences. And this is just where you are in the journey. It's also possible that some of those feelings were there from the start, and they just have little to do with your ex or your last relationship, just laid them bare. In which case, you have even more responsibility to address them,

especially with a professional. But whether this is about your ex or not, you're going to experience some resistance to getting back out there. And so at some point, you're going to have to take that leap and decide, you know what, I don't know who I'm going to meet, I don't know what I'm going to get back from them,

but I'm going to open myself up because having relationships with people is important to me. Getting hurt is part of the game. We are always at risk of that. The better question I think is, how do I navigate that hurt? What do I do with that hurt? How do I use whatever experiences I have with men

to learn more about myself, to learn more about other people, to figure out what I want in a partner, to grow these parts of myself that need to be developed. That's what I would be asking if I were you. Right, because the pain is unavoidable. It might not be as severe as what you went through with your ex, especially if you choose a different kind of partner in the future. But there will still be frustration.

There will still be fear. There will still be heartache, confusion, longing, right? Like the pain is baked into the experience of being in relationship. It would be amazing if we could get to a place where we just don't feel any pain anymore, but that's a fantasy. The questions that Jordan just asked you are a way to make meaning out of the pain and to make the pain more than just pain, to make it part of the process of growing, which ultimately makes it sting less. It's really funny, Jordan. I was just talking to my creative partner, Suzanne the other day. She's one of my closest friends. She's also the director

of two movies that we developed together. And we were talking about just all of the heartbreak that we have experienced trying to get these movies made, you know, like you've seen it. You've had a front row seat. Actors signing on and then dropping out and financing coming together and then falling through and just everything takes forever. And it's gotten easier to cope with over the years. I mean, I've been devastated and I've recovered a few times now and I'm just more prepared for things to go sideways, but it still sucks. And then we always pick ourselves up and we try again and we submit to another actor, we do another rewrite, or we take another swing despite how vulnerable it is. Anyway, we were talking about this. And before we hung up, she goes, man, we put our hearts out on a

slab every single time, don't we? And I was like, we sure do. There's just like no way to participate in the world and pursue your dreams, whether it's pitching a movie or starting a company or dating again without being exposed to other people. And yeah, part of our job is to build up our sense of self and, you know, have good boundaries and address the wounds that make these kinds of struggles extra painful, you know, so we can help ourselves not be completely flattened when something doesn't go our way. But to your point, Jordan, I don't think there's ever a stage where we open ourselves up to new people and go after what we want and don't feel vulnerable. When she says, how do I get to a point where I'm ready to risk getting my heartbroken again? I wonder if what

she's really saying is, how do I cope with the very normal feelings that will come up when I participate in life? Well, that's the thing, right? The vulnerability is like the outer limits of our personality. And we tend to cramp around that and we want to stay safe. But when we lean into it, even just a little, and we have some intense experiences and survive them, we tend to find out that we're bigger than we thought. And the borders of our personality, they grow. And that increases our capacity for these experiences, and that makes her life bigger and richer and more rewarding. And I think that's what our friend here needs to do. She needs to take care of herself and address her stuff, and she needs to make peace with the prospect of just getting a little bruised

every now and again in the dating world, and the men she dates have to be prepared to do the same thing. I also want to encourage her to look at some of these assumptions. She has that men only want one thing, which again, that might be related to her ex. It might be a general belief that she's inherited somewhere else. She also has this belief that they're going to want a certain type of woman rather than somebody who's more career focused. But let's keep in mind, she is a surgeon. She's a doctor. I'm sure she's brilliant and hardworking. So I do wonder if maybe she's not really valuing herself as accurately as she should. I'm sure she's a fantastic partner and has so much to offer. She also has this belief that she will inevitably be disappointed, which again,

I think is fascinating, and I don't know what that is. I don't know you well enough to know why that belief is coming up. Maybe you're a tough customer and maybe you deserve to be a tough customer. Maybe you need a really special guy to live up to your standards. I get it. But the idea that you will inevitably be disappointed by any partner you come in contact with, I'm sure there is more to that story. So in addition to everything we're talking about, I would sit with each of these things and unpack them and figure out where these ideas are really coming from and if they're actually true. and the best way to find out if they're true is to go out into the world and date some people

and see if your experiences live up to the ideas you think you're going to have. That said, if you're entering a busy time in your residency and it would help you succeed to be unattached and focused on your work, I think that's absolutely a valid choice. Just make sure you're doing it because your career currently demands it

and not, as you said, just using it as a clever way to stay safe and avoid rejection. Of course, both can be true, and that's where you need to be very in touch with how your mind works. So that's my hope for you, that you responsibly and thoughtfully open yourself up to the healthy challenges of life and relationships.

I love your question. I love your mindset. And I get the sense that you'd be an amazing partner to the right person one day. But to meet that person, you got to go out and have experiences with people and grow. And that might be another source of motivation when you feel like staying in and self-protecting. Good luck, Doc. You got this. Hope you all enjoyed the show.

I want to thank everybody who wrote in. Everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Chase Jarvis and Ruth Whitman if you haven't done so yet. Oh, by the way, don't forget, we want to hear about your craziest dreams. We did a dreams episode on Skeptical Sunday. I'm definitely curious to see what goes on in y'all's depraved minds. You can send those straight to Gabriel Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com.

The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know like and trust. I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself in our six-minute networking course. It is 100% free. It is not gross. It is not schmoozy. You can find it for free on the think-ifick platform at six-minute networking. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago.

The drills take a few minutes a day, that's it. Dig the well before you get thirsty folks. Build relationships before you need them. Again, all free, six-minute networking.com. Show notes, transcripts on the website, advertisers, discounts, deals, ways to support the show, all at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn.

You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show has created an association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace, Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing things that you hear on this show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice,

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