The Jordan Harbinger Show - 1066: Is Ex on the Level for Calling Him The Devil? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

Your boyfriend faces serious allegations from his past. You want to trust him, but doubts linger. How do you uncover the truth? Welcome to Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: You're dating a man whose ex-girlfriend accused him of molesting her son and his own children. He claims innocence, but you're torn between trusting him and your gut feelings. What steps can you take to uncover the truth while maintaining your integrity and safety? Your father, recently single and grieving, is asking to move into your new home. You and your partner want your own space, but you feel guilty given all your father has done for you. How do you balance family obligations with your own needs? You were recruited into what seemed like a promising business opportunity, only to discover it was an MLM scheme. The tactics used were manipulative and cult-like. What red flags did you encounter, and how did you respond? Your father is nearing the end of his life, leaving behind an inheritance. Your mother suggests giving up your share for your struggling siblings. You're torn between fairness and helping family. How do you decide what's right? Recommendation of the Week: Anker Prime Power Bank You're interested in starting therapy but unsure about what "processing emotions" actually entails. You're also concerned about the cost. How can you make the most of therapy and find affordable options? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi. Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1066 If you love listening to this show as much as we love making it, would you please peruse and reply to our Membership Survey here? See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to checkout is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer. My Bar Bro helping me carry this existential cargo, Gabriel Mizrahi. Yeah, that's right. Just twerking our way through these life conundra.

Yeah, have fun with it. Five, six, seven, eight. Yeah. That's such a good moment. We did Hot Bar. Let that sweaty image invade your consciousness. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom

into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with the variety of amazing folks, former jihadis, undercover agents, gold smugglers, astronauts, tech luminaries. This week we had Andrew Bustamante, a friend of mine, a former CIA operative, and we talked a lot about CIA training, screening, geopolitical events, current events. great if you're thinking about joining the agency, interested in current events, geopolitics, maybe you're a Kremlin or Iranian intelligence agent

looking for some insight. You'll find it in this week's episodes. On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, and regrettably admit that Gabe might have turned me into a hot yoga aficionado in training. Yes, yes. I love that.

I'm not wearing the hat. That was a one-time only thing, though. One stuff at a time, man. It's all right. We'll get there. There's something about sweating that much that I don't know if it's an endorphin thing or what, but you just come out and you just feel like lighter. I mean, you're literally lighter because of the water, but I mean sort of

existentially lighter, probably because you can't worry about anything when your body is fighting to survive rapid dehydration. Don't question it too much. Just enjoy it. Before we dive in today, I was thinking about all the letters we get from people who are trying to make big changes in their lives and how hard it can be sometimes. And I think a lot of people, myself included, of course, delay taking action on something or starting something. new because they hope to avoid pain, discomfort, suffering, whatever it is. And many people are trying to find a way to achieve their goals that somehow doesn't have these costs, maybe even have any costs. But the problem here is, as time goes on, we usually end up with more responsibility, not less,

which only incurs more pain, discomfort, and tradeoffs. For example, if you're busy right now because you just started your career, anything, like, oh, I'll get that certification later, or I'll work on that side hustle or that foreign language down the line, then you end up getting promoted or you get married or you have kids. And then it's a lot harder. It's very hard, maybe even impossible to do something new because you've got so much more responsibility. So projecting ourselves into a false future, putting things off, sidestepping discomfort. It just, it doesn't work. And some form of discomfort and tradeoff is always inevitable. The process of taking action now is really taking the initiative of choosing your pain today

instead of letting it kind of sneak up on you in some other form in the future instead. And that's something I've been thinking about, something worth keeping in mind when you feel like hitting the old proverbial snooze button on your goals and dreams because it doesn't ever get easier later, really. No, it really doesn't. That's a good reminder. I'm doing that on a couple of things right now. So I feel called out and I appreciate it.

By the way, before we dive into the letters, I have something funny. I need to tell you. I forgot to tell you about my trip to Peru a week ago. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, tell me. All right. So, you know, anyone listening right now knows that we, are so annoyed when people listen to things on speaker phone in public.

Like a FaceTime call or a YouTube video? Any of that. Watching TikTok in an airport terminal or, yeah, listening to the news at a cafe, super loud on their phone without a headphones, it drives me up the wall. By the way, a few of you guys have written me emails in solidarity, and I really appreciate that because I thought I was just hypersensitive to noise, which I am.

But it turns out so many people are annoyed about this, and yet there are so many people out there who just think that wherever they go, It's like their living room and they can just do whatever they want. Anyway, I was on this American Airlines flight. I think this was on the return. So I was flying back from Lima. I went for my cousin's wedding. And there was a guy watching TikTok videos while we were waiting for the plane to take off.

And the flight attendant passed by a seat and said, sir, I need you to put headphones in. Nice. And I was like, what? And everyone turned their head and looked at it like, thank you. And then 10 minutes later, she did it with another person. She was like, sir, you got to turn it off or you got to put headphones in. And I was like, this is incredible. Is this a movement?

Is something happening here? Are we finally taking our quiet back? And she said to the second guy, we have a quiet cabin policy on flight. I love it. And I was like, the quiet cabin policy. Yes. Can we make this a thing everywhere? Not just on planes.

Like the QCP, wherever we go. That's the new rule. We used to have that. Not to be all like back in my day, we didn't have smartphones. But the thing is, if you have any sense of manners at all, you already keep a quiet cabin policy wherever you. You know that you shouldn't do that. Meanwhile, though, people are like,

I'm going to have a full volume FaceTime conversation with my son and my grandson at the airport terminal and everyone around can hear you. And you're just like, how do you lack the self-awareness to know that this is not polite? How is that possible? I don't get it. The other one that drives me crazy

is when someone's riding a bicycle and they have a huge speaker on the back and they're like bumping the loudest music while they ride around, like, bro, just get AirPods. Why? Do you think that you're doing us some public service by playing this terrible music while you fly by? Like, I don't get it.

People who listen to a loud volume thing on, I have a theory about this. And then we'll start. People are like, God, how many times you're out to hit fast forward? But I have a theory about this. People who listen to do like a full volume FaceTime call, they have low social intelligence. They lack social awareness. They lack self-awareness. Or they're entitled, something like that.

The people that carry the big speaker, those people, they want attention. Like you ever go to New York and somebody's blasting that crap on the subway? They're like, I hope somebody says something to me so that I can be like, screw you, I'm not turning it down. Like they're looking for conflict. They want attention. It's a broke bastard equivalent of doing that with your windows down in a car, except these losers don't have cars. So they're like, I'm going to be on a bike and blast this super loud music. People do it at ski hills too. They'll like take a Bluetooth speaker and they're blasting their stuff on the lift. And lifties who are good, we'll be like, turn that off. That's not allowed. And it's like, thank you. I don't want to hear your music selection. We're AirPods, but they're like, yeah, man, people love it when I come by.

It's like, I'm a DJ. It's like, no, you're just annoying. You're just annoying. You want the attention. You're not smart enough to understand negative attention versus positive attention. Like, you just, your social intelligence is not at that level. I understand wanting to create a vibe for yourself. I do not understand inflicting that vibe on everyone else you come in contact with. The term social blindness probably exists for something else, but this is like, it's a black hole. This is a gap in someone's social intelligence and awareness. It's a more extreme version of someone who opens the door and then just lets it close behind them and then it hits somebody else in the face. They don't hold the door.

Like those people lack a little bit of awareness. It happens to all of us sometimes. This is like, I'm going to deliberately do this thing because I have no concept that other people exist in the world and might not like that. It's an EQ thing where they're just like at the below average level of emotional intelligence. That said, anybody listening to this podcast right now, I hope you are blasting it on speakerphone in public so that everybody can enjoy. Yeah, I hope you're listening to this at full volume using your JBL Bluetooth speaker on mass transit somewhere. All right, what's the first thing out of the mailback? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I am dating a man I've been with for around nine months.

We live in a small community in Canada, and it's public knowledge that his ex-executive. girlfriend accused him a couple years ago of molesting her son before we started dating when their child was between the ages of three and five. She also spread a rumor that he molested his own kids, and that's why they live on the other side of the country. Oh, man, okay. According to my boyfriend, the claim regarding his ex-girlfriend's child was investigated and found to be false, but I haven't seen the official documents. He still has a relationship with his own kids, as far as I know, as well as a relationship with her mother. I see him talking to his kids on the phone or via video chat on occasion. I know that he visited them last year. He claims that his ex-girlfriend was mentally ill and off

her medication at the time of the accusations. He's insisted on his innocence with me many times. So from all outward appearances, the allegations that he abused his own kids are not true. This doesn't really lend much credence to his ex's claim, but I do find the story about his ex-wife running away with the kids, alarming. To my knowledge, my boyfriend has not been accused of this before or since. He worked at a school when these accusations started to fly and he lost his job. He claims he quit. I believe he's also been turned down for a job he recently applied for because of all of this. Our small community is divided on the subject. Some people stay loyal to my boyfriend, some people stay loyal to his accuser, and some remain neutral. Sometimes I think

there's no way he could have possibly done this. He can be the most patient, generous, kind, understanding, and supportive person I have ever met. I have some issues in the relationship, like his constant people-pleasing, apathy towards his physical and mental health, inability to take responsibility for his own actions, and a few white lies I've seen him tell. But we all have our flaws, and these issues seem manageable. But then sometimes I think that he could have done this. Sometimes I swear I've seen him checking out young boys, but I cannot be sure. It might be confirmation bias. This whole situation makes me feel like I'm going insane. I feel nauseous lately, and I feel like I can't trust myself or my reality. I've even

lost a few friendships over this. I love this person, but I don't feel in love with him because of this dark cloud hanging over us. Recently, my boyfriend asked me to move to another town with him because of a job opportunity there. Now I don't know what to do. Is there any way for me to find out the results of that investigation? Is there any way for me to find out if there have been prior accusations against him? Should I just call it quits because it's causing me so much grief? How can I ever know the truth? Do I really want to tie my life to this person? What am I to do? Signed, afraid of, made a mistake, and stuck with feelings I can't shake when there is so much at stake. Oh, wow. What a conundrum. This is a really tough one. Because you can't just dismiss these claims

out of hand for obvious reasons. If this is true, it's extremely concerning and dangerous. But then you don't have solid evidence that the claims are true, the claims don't fit with other facts and qualities that you see in your boyfriend, and we all know, in fact, we've heard this on the show in just the last few months, that people can easily fabricate awful claims against their exes to retaliate against them, to damage their reputations. So you're in a really, really tough spot. You're having to choose between two narratives here, and you don't have all the information you need to make sure you're making the right decision. So if I were in your shoes, my strategy would be to gather as much information as possible. The problem is, with the investigation they did into your

boyfriend, the one that didn't find any abuse, I'm just not sure that if that was a child welfare agency thing or a law enforcement thing, but either way, I think you're going to have a hard time getting your hands on those documents. Generally speaking, from what we've learned about these investigations, the agencies, they can't share much, especially with kind of random third parties who were not part of the investigation. I'm not sure how it works in Canada. You can always call the agency in question and ask, but I'm guessing it's going to be the same. same. What you can do, and what I would 100% encourage you to do as a starting point, is just do a basic background check on your boyfriend. There are tons of these services online. Most of them

are for employers, but they're not expensive, probably like 30 bucks a month or something like that. They might even give you a free trial, I don't know. These services will look someone up, generate a report that includes past employment, credit reports, driving records, identity verification, all that, and most importantly, criminal history. Now, this background report on your boyfriend, it might come back totally normal. That obviously doesn't guarantee that he didn't do what his ex says he did, and it wouldn't reflect other allegations of abuse

that didn't lead to formal charges, but if your boyfriend did have any criminal history you don't know about, it would almost certainly show up, and that would be very valuable information for you right now. Other things you can do to fill in some gaps here, talk to his ex-girlfriend, talk to his ex-wife. Obviously, you have to be very delicate about this

because, A, it might freak them out, and B, your boyfriend might not appreciate you going behind his back and being in contact with them about this. But, you know, I also wonder, is there a world where you say to your boyfriend, listen, I'm really struggling with these accusations, I don't want to believe them, I don't see you as a person who's capable of this, but as I'm sure you can understand, it's really hard to dismiss them entirely. And I just don't have enough information to decide what to do about all this.

And I want to feel secure in my position on all this. So how would you feel about me talking to your ex-wife, his co-parent? I mean, and asking her about her experience with you, with the kids, would you be open to that? Look, maybe I'm being naive. Maybe he'd find that intrusive or insulting somehow. I don't know, but if he did, I'm not sure that would really be fair. Yeah, me neither. Because this guy, he needs to understand how tough this is for our friend here, right? And if he truly has nothing to hide, then he shouldn't be concerned about her talking to his ex, right? Right. Also, they've been together, what, nine months? That's a long time. So I don't think it's totally crazy for a girlfriend of nine months

to be in touch with your co-parent, to have some kind of relationship with your kids, even if they do live across the country. So actually, I'm starting to think that this request to chat with his ex might actually be a very useful strategy because if he shuts it down or gets super cagey and defensive, it kind of begs the question. Like, what are you hiding? Right. Sunlight's the best disinfectant. And look, he could be like, she's crazy. She makes up lies about me. But it's like, okay, that's more data for you. You know, if I were this guy and there were false allegations swirling around about me, I'd be like, talk to my ex-wife, talk to my kids, see for yourself how questionable my ex-girlfriend is, I wouldn't be like, how dare you want to ask my ex-about what I might or might not have done?

This is unconscionable. It's like, I want you to talk to everybody who's not insane so that you know that my ex-girlfriend is the one who's nuts. And if you do talk to his ex with or without his permission, at some point, I would try to ask her why they moved across the country, because that is one very curious data point in all of this. That is a little suss, but again, people move away for all kinds of reasons. Sure. She might have gotten a really good job there. Maybe her family lives there. Her relationship with this guy was probably for other reasons, and she just wanted a fresh start. But if you ask her and she clentes up and gets uncomfortable, man, that'd be really good information for you too. So I do hope you can chat with her at some point.

Other things you can do, keep talking to people in your town, ask them what they know, how they know it, why they feel so secure, taking your boyfriend's side or distancing themselves from your boyfriend, make it safe for them to be totally honest with you, tell them your conversation is confidential, and that they'd be doing you a huge favor by being totally honest with you. See what you can learn. And keep observing your boyfriend, his words, his behavior. I know this is kind of

stressful, right? It's like read into everything he does. But if he does anything that feels dodgy or evasive or tense, just don't ignore those signs. Dig into them with him. Be respectful, but be direct. Hold his feet to the fire a little bit. And if you're not getting the answers that satisfy you, even if you never learn the capital T truth, that's important data to because that evasiveness, it might be all you need to know. Or it might be another quality of your boyfriends that makes it hard to get the information that you need. That frankly, I think he owes you, given the circumstances. And that might be an obstacle to this relationship in and of itself.

The other party, I think you need to observe closely is his children. And I know that might be hard because you don't have a direct relationship with them, but you did say you see him talking to them on FaceTime. Maybe you talk to them sometimes. I'm curious to know how they behave around him, how they carry themselves, if they seem to be exhibiting any signs of trauma, discomfort. Now, obviously, this is an imperfect science. We know this. If a three-year-old doesn't make good eye contact on FaceTime or whatever, that's not a textbook sign of abuse. You know, if a kid is

not like particularly excited to talk to dad who lives across the country, who he sees three times a year or something like that, that doesn't automatically mean that he hurt them. But it might be interesting in context if you see any of those signs. And if you ever have the chance to observe how they interact in person, I think that would be even better. The other interesting detail was that she can swear she sometimes sees him checking out young boys, but then she's not sure if she just is maybe being hypersensitive to it and connecting dots that aren't there. That's weird. Again, hard to know what that means, right? If these allegations didn't exist, she might not even notice him doing that. Or if she did, she might just be like, oh, look, he's just noticing

children out in the world. That's sweet. She's going out of her mind right now, and she might be looking for any data that would help her decide how to feel. I mean, look, this guy, I'm hoping that this doesn't come across as me making an excuse for a random dude who might be. be a petto, but like, look, this guy might be missing his kids a bunch. And when he sees other children, it reminds him of his kids. And that's what's happening. When I'm traveling and I'm missing my kids, I find my eyes drawn to random families, not the kids only, but the parents too, wishing I was at home playing with my kids. Instead, I'm sitting at a Delta terminal without them. And I'm like, oh, when they're that age, I can bring them on trips like this. And then we can

go to Legoland too, like this family clearly did. And I can teach them all about the quiet cabin policy. Yes, I can teach them about the quiet cabin policy on Peru, you know, Copa Airlines. So it might be unfair to draw too many conclusions from this, but if he's like, I don't know, openly staring at young boys for solid minutes at a time while look at his lips or whatever, that's a different thing. That's totally different. That is weird. If he's hanging out at the kitty pool and it's like, sir, you hear with your son, no, I'm just relaxing. That's something to pay attention to. There are signs in San Francisco where it says you'll go to a playground or something and it's like, all adults must be accompanied by a child under the age of like, like, whatever.

And it's like, awkward. And you have to read that sign. Because you're like, oh, it must mean, they must mean all children must be accompanied by an adult. And it's like, no, all adults must be accompanied by a child. And it's like, oh, it's that kind of sign. Like, yikes. And you know they put that sign up for a reason too.

Yeah, because there's dudes freaking just sitting on a bench, like with the camera out. Which one's yours? Oh, no, I'm just making some entertainment for myself later. It's like, ugh. Right next to the sign that says, please do not feed the children. Yeah, it's so gross. Yeah, like, it's just, yeah. Again, she's going to have to observe her boyfriend closely, and she's going to have to

look at the totality of these data points, not just one or two here or there to see how they fit together. But speaking of how well she observes him, I do think we need to talk about some of the other issues that she sees in their relationship. Look, his constant people pleasing, his not taking very good care of his body, his mind, those are challenges. but in the context of possible child abuse, probably not fatal ones. But then she said that he has an inability to take responsibility for his own actions,

and she's noticed him telling some white lies. Now, we don't know how serious those are. I mean, she's saying they're white lies, so I assume they're not very serious. But those two qualities, a lack of accountability and a willingness to deceive, those do seem extremely relevant in context. To your point, Jordan, if this guy did nothing wrong, he should want to be an open book. and if he's dodging ownership for things that he did wrong, if he's telling little lies here and there, that might be a larger way of operating for him, and he might be doing the same when it comes to something more serious,

like how he treated his children. Good point. And to be fair to this guy, who, let's remember, has not been charged with anything. He's also, quote, the most patient, generous, kind, understanding, and supportive persons she's ever met. Right. Confusing. But can a child molester present as kind understanding and supportive? Yeah, they can. Of course. But to your point, Gabe, she needs to look at the totality of the facts here. And while listening to your intuition is an imperfect science, it's not actually a science at all, it's not irrelevant,

taking stock of how he treats her and noticing how she feels with them on a gut level. That's meaningful data too. Not the only data, but it's important data. So I'm not sure we can tell you whether to call it quits yet. I don't think you have enough information to really make that call yet, but if you learn more concerning facts or if you fail to get the facts you want, facts I feel you deserve as the partner of somebody who's been accused of this stuff, then I would continue to ask yourself if this is a truly safe, responsible, sustainable relationship. Unfortunately, there might be a world where you will never know the truth, but you can do everything in your power to learn the truth as best you can before you make the call. So don't settle

for the facts available to you. Don't buy into easy narratives on either side. Do your homework. Be a little nosy if you have to. I think you're allowed to be within reason. Talk to your boyfriend about all this, even if it's uncomfortable. Ask him to help you get the information you need to feel comfortable staying in this relationship. And most importantly, keep checking in with yourself how you are feeling with him

because whether your boyfriend did these things or not, how you feel when you're around him is extremely relevant here. And it might tell you all you need to know about this relationship, even if you never get to the bottom of these claims. Agreed. If you do that, then you'll know if you really want to tie your life to this guy.

And good luck. You know what else is going to make you lick your chops, Gabriel? while sitting on a park bench near a playground. The deals on the products and services that support this show, we'll be right back. Thank you for listening to and supporting this podcast. Your support of our advertisers just keep the lights on around here. To learn more and it keeps our van filled with candy. No. Why?

To learn more. I don't know where I'm going now. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support this show are available at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Guilty. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my partner of seven years and I recently moved into our own home,

which we are absolutely over the moon about. We saved up so hard to buy our dream home, and we couldn't be happier. Amazing. Congratulations. That's kind of a big deal. Unfortunately, my father recently split from his partner and is now looking for a place to live. On top of that, he also just lost his mother in the last week, so he's at his lowest point. Aw, that sucks. Yeah, poor guy. He's currently staying with my sister, his stepdaughter, while looking for a place to live,

but her mental health is not 100%, and my dad is getting to the end of his rope. It's getting cold there, and she won't put the heating on because she's nearly broke. But my dad has continued to send her money, obviously grateful that she's letting him stay with her. Then, recently, he asked me if he could, quote-unquote, move into your spare room if shit hit the fan. While I was showing him potential houses, I was considering, he would say things like, this would make a nice man cave for me, or this could be my part of the house, stuff like that. I made it clear to him from the start that my partner and I wanted the house to be our own, as it's our first house, and we want to make it a home, and that if my dad's relationship was getting

rough, he should save up some money for when he needs to leave. I'm unsure of my dad's finances, but I know he'd struggle living in a one-bedroom flat, as flat prices near his work are astronomical. My partner has also said that she'd feel uncomfortable with him staying with us, but my dad has done so much for me and my brother when he split up with our mom many years ago. He fought so hard to get custody of us and worked endless hours to save up for us to do things like go to America to see the Mars River launch from Florida, and so much more that I can't fit into the same.

email. I know how hurt he is right now, and our relationship is unbreakable. He also suffers from small amount of anxiety and depression, and I'm always worried about his mental health. How do I tell my dad that he wouldn't be able to stay at ours in the nicest way possible? Should I give him money to stay in a hotel for a while? Or should I put my foot down and possibly ruin my relationship with my dad? Signed, share my pad with my struggling dad, or hold to the plan and risk making him mad. Oh man, this is another really tough one. Your dad's really going through it. You know, he needs support. He deserves some support given the kind of dad he was, but you're also starting your life with your partner and it's not entirely fair for him to hamstring your plans to whatever,

take over your house, kind of. So candidly, I'm not sure there's one right answer here. The facts are a little complicated and I think it kind of comes down to what you and your partner and your dad are willing to do. I don't think it would be unfair for you to say, hey, I am so sorry, dad, but we're starting our new lives together. We told you from the beginning that we wanted this to be our home. We don't feel it's super healthy or appropriate for you to live with us full time, but I'm happy to help you come up with some solutions. And those solutions might include financial support, like paying for a hotel for him for a little while, or giving him some extra money each month. It could be helping him look for apartments in a part of the city that's cheaper, or researching

affordable housing options, or finding a roommate for God's sake, or working with your step-sister on supporting him, although it sounds like she might not be able to help all that much, or encouraging your dad to reach out to other friends and family who might be able to support him right now. That said, I do think you and your wife need to take a beat and really talk about what your dad deserves, how to best be there for him, what you guys can reasonably offer him without going too crazy, because there might be a middle ground here that's fair to him, given that he's your dad, apparently a pretty great dad, and that he's really going through a painful time, and that's sustainable to you. And I'll let you guys decide what that looks like, of course, what

parameters you'll need to feel comfortable, but maybe you get to a point where you tell your dad, hey, look, I'm sure you can understand, we want this home to be our own, we want to have our space and our privacy, but we know how hard things have been for you lately. So how about you stay here for two months, three months, six months, whatever it is, get back on your feet, save some money, go through this morning process for grandma, and in the meantime, we'd like you to actively look for a new apartment. And we want to be clear that this arrangement is temporary. We love you. We're going to help you get through this period, but this cannot turn into you living with us forever. And that's for both our benefits and the benefit of our relationship, which is now good currently. And it is

totally fair to offer your love and support with very clear boundaries. That's totally legit. I completely agree. That might be what makes this doable for you guys and actually more meaningful for your dad, for him to see that his son and his daughter-in-law are doing him a huge kindness, but that it does come with some sacrifices that he needs to be thoughtful about. And on that note, I do think we have to talk about how your dad is asking for this help and how he's engaging with your help. Look, your dad sounds like a wonderful guy. He fought hard to get custody of you when you needed it.

He worked his ass off to support you guys. He took you on these awesome trips to another country, the Mars rover launch, which is so sweet. Yeah, that detail really got me. As a dad, I just know how much these experiences mean to a parent and a child. Like, how do you tell that dad? Stay in this crappy motel where drug dealers and whatever people operate when you have a spare room right after his mom dies. It's really hard.

Yeah, what a sweet guy. Like our friend said, their relationship is unbreakable. And it's also true that his dad might not be taking care of himself in all the ways that he needs to. Yeah, that's fair. His mental health is not perfect. I'm not sure what he's doing to address that, if anything. It sounds like he doesn't really listen to his son when he said, dad, I'm just telling you

right now, this is going to be our house. So if things are getting rough between you and your partner, you need to start saving some money now because you can't put that on us. Right. And then when they were touring houses, he's like, ooh, nice garage. That would make for a mighty fine man cave for your old man.

Like, okay, way to crowbar your way into your son's new life, homie. It's kind of sweet in a certain way, and it's also kind of presumptuous. Yeah, it's presumptuous, but it's also a little manipulative, in my opinion. He didn't say like, oh, I would love that. It's more like he's throwing it out there. Like, hey, just hint, hint, I could totally live.

in a garage like that, know what I mean? As long as I had access to the kintred in the pantry. And that's my point. He's saying, can I move into your spare room if shit hits the fan? But he's not going, okay, how do I take care of myself in a way that shit won't hit the fan? Yeah, he's kind of like saying, hey, shit's going to hit the fan soon and I'm going to move in with you, right? I like that house with the big garage because I can put my flat screen in there.

No, dad. He's also not saying, or if shit does hit the fan, it won't be as bad and I'll be as easy to help as possible. He's just kind of like, my plan is to move in with you. Exactly. So from what we're hearing, he's just kind of sitting back, letting things play out, and hoping that his family will save him, which, look, that might be informed by the anxiety and the depression, and I have compassion for that. But that does not let him off the hook for being a responsible person and a thoughtful parent, even as he goes through an objectively tough time. And I think that's part of the reason that our friend here is going, how do I tell my dad no? Do I possibly ruin my relationship with my dad? Because there is not an obvious fair middle way here. He and his partner are going to have to create that middle way because dad probably isn't very good at doing that. But they can gently set the terms of their help and then he can decide whether he wants to accept those terms,

which given the circumstances, I think he probably will. And that will give him the gift of not only appreciating their support, but also stepping up and being more proactive in capitalizing on that support. Absolutely. I totally agree here. And part of that would be connecting your dad with people in places that could really help him right now. For example, I think it'd be great if he went to a grief support group right now, maybe you guys could even go together. That might be a really powerful place for him to mourn his mom

and find some much-need community right now. I also think it's worth encouraging your dad to see a therapist and or a psychiatrist. I know money is tight right now. It might not be immediately possible, but actually, at the end of his episode, I'm going to share a great opportunity with you guys therapy-wise,

so stay tuned for that. But yeah, if your dad could benefit from medication, which totally up to him, and maybe it's just a temporary thing to get through this period, you could schedule an appointment for him, you could see the doctor with him, that's another way to help. The point is, there are lots of ways to support a struggling parent, and the best ones, in my opinion, are the ones that help them ultimately support themselves. Your dad is really lucky to have you

and your step-sister looking out for him. I know you're not going to let him end up on the street, but don't be afraid to empower him to be the partner you need in taking care of him while he goes through this tough period. And don't be afraid to also protect you and your partner's needs at the same time. I really do think there's a way to do both. Sending you and your dad a big hug and wishing you all the best. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Keep your emails concise.

Use descriptive subject lines that does make our job a whole lot easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in the mailbox, your stepdad's got your nude photos, your neighbors are eaves dropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or your agro father-in-law is sending you on a work trip to a literal war zone. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately,

hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, by the way, if you haven't signed up yet, check out our newsletter, We Bit Wiser. It is a bite-sized gem from a past episode from Us to You delivered right to your inbox once a week. If you want to keep up with the wisdom from our thousand-plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come and check it out.

Jordan Harbinger.com slash news is where you can find it. It is a great companion to the show. Okay, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. Sometime back on episode 9-10, you took a letter from a young guy who had been recruited into a quote-unquote mentorship circle that was almost, most certainly a funnel for a shady multi-level marketing scam. Something about it struck a chord with me, and I wanted to share my own experience with one

because I believe my perspective might offer another angle for your listeners. Ooh, grabbing my popcorn, putting on my smug all MLMs are trash hoodie on. Oh, so you won't wear the Cabonito hat, but you will wear all MLMs are trash hoodie? I would love a hat that said all MLMs are trash in like rainbow sparkles or whatever. Just that's Hollywood fave. Adding to my Christmas gift in SPO list, I know. How much do you think that custom, okay, we'll deal with that later. Can't be that much.

So he goes on, a few years back as I was nearing the completion of my master's degree and seeking job opportunities, a friend of mine, let's call him Tim, posted something intriguing on social media about attending a networking seminar. Being in my early 20s and naturally curious, I reached out to learn more. Tim's response was somewhat vague, but he hinted at exciting opportunities, mentioned meeting a millionaire and said he'd be happy to introduce me to him. Yep, this is how it starts. We decided to meet at a McDonald's. Ah, yes, McDonald's, where all millionaires take their business meetings. You know the networking's going to slap when it takes place over a filo fish. Exactly. Can I supersize

this total horseshit pitch you're about to spew in my direction? Thanks. We decided to meet at a McDonald's where I found Tim and his mentor, who appeared to be in his late 40s or early 50s, already engaged in a discussion with someone else around my age. I joined them, and they began with a series of carefully crafted questions that hinted at the potential of making money through their system. They emphasized the idea of earning commissions on online purchases and having ample time outside of an eight-hour workday to focus on wealth accumulation. Despite my questions, they remained rather vague about the specifics, emphasizing the potential for financial gain. In our subsequent meeting, they handed me a copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad, asked me to read a few days.

and probed my thoughts to see if I agreed with its concepts. It became evident that they were filtering out to centers, seeking individuals who aligned closely with their ideology. 100%. They also love these vague aspirational books about making a ton of money. But yeah, this is a great point. It's also a way to see if someone's clever enough or old enough to see through, I guess, old enough, experienced enough in life,

to see through how overly simplistic and silly this material is. Fascinate. Because Rich Dad Porta, a lot of this was sort of mindset. stuff when you're not a dumbass, sorry, you go, yeah, there's a lot more to it than that. They want people who are like, oh my gosh, all I have to do is believe in myself. Also, the guy who wrote that book last I read, he's literally over a billion dollars in debt, and he's failed to predict the market just countless times. I mean, good on him for writing a bestselling book, but he's not any sort of guru.

He's a personality who is a total clown to people that know things about money and business. They then invited me to one of their networking events slash seminars. I was at a Marriott and I was asked to wear a suit. So I was impressed. So that worked on you. Wear a suit. Oh, it must be a big deal. That is one of those things where it's like, wear a suit. Why? It's at a Marriott. I don't need to wear a suit. Oh, I didn't even connect those dots. Like there's something psychological about having to put on the clothes. Yes, 100%. Oh, it's a black tie event. No, it's not. You just want me to give you gravitas. This is a flip-flop event. You're selling me something. So I was impressed to say the least and keenly interested. A couple got on the

and talked about how they made quite a bit of money through this process. I was introduced to a physician who had been a part of this thing for a while, and he mentioned that as a physician, he can't leave his practice to his kids, but he can develop a business to leave to them. The word Amway had not yet been mentioned in any of my meetings. But then, at some point, they finally brought up Amway and explained how it operates. They were like, just think about it. You don't need your own product because they already offer a wide range that people are interested in. In other words, I wouldn't have to create anything from scratch. I'd earn a commission for every person I recruit, and for every person they recruit, and so on. Tim emphasized that they wouldn't just throw me in the deep end. They'd be there to support

me and train me every step of the way, which I appreciated. I didn't know anything about pyramid schemes, so this was all new to me. I remember Tim's mentor saying, I know you want to learn more about the company, but this is how we approach getting people to join us. That's when I started seeing red flags. Why was information being revealed in such a structured manner? felt like they had meticulously crafted this experience to reveal information very slowly. Yes. Only on a need-to-know basis. That's exactly what they did.

They meticulously crafted the experience to reveal information very slowly. 100%. It seemed like they'd done this countless times, and I suspect it's their way of not disclosing their true intentions unless they're absolutely sure someone is about to join. Very culty. This is 100% accurate. This is their strategy, to a T. There's a really interesting episode of the Freakonomics podcast where they talk

about this, how when scammers come up with their funnels and their pitches, they want to make sure that only the dumbest, most gullible people get to the point where they're actually talking with a real person from the scam organization. It's like those scam emails, the ones we read last week, for example, where you go, who in the world is clicking on this stuff? That is part of the strategy. These scammers, they don't want to waste a bunch of time on people who are too smart to fall for this stuff. They want to get the people who just can't see through it to save their lives. So recommending rich dad, poor dad. That's part of the strategy. Because based on what I've read online, I've read this book, okay? And I've read it and I remember thinking, this is really dumb. And I found a bunch of stories

just like, a hundred pages of vague aspirational stories and nonsense and terrible financial advice. There's a section with actual recommendations. And one of the recommendations is to invest in multi-level marketing scam organizations. The book was written for that purpose. I did not know that. Yeah. I've never read this book. So in the book, he literally proposes getting involved in an MLM? Yeah, and like other people have said things like, Donald Trump recommended network marketing. And I'm like, yeah, he was paid to recommend network marketing. It's not like business advice based on his experience. They pay people to do this. So interesting. Yeah. So if somebody makes it that far into the book without realizing that it's garbage, or if they

finish the book and they go, oh, wow, MLMs, that must be the move. Right. Then Amway or whatever scam organization has immediately filtered out all the wrong targets and filtered in the perfect victims. Bingo, right? Those emails, like, I'm a Nigerian prince and it's got a bunch of spelling errors. If you're dumb enough to fall for that, you are exactly the type of person that they want to talk to in person, because you're dumb enough to go through the rest of the rigmarole without seeing all of the obvious flags that everybody else sees. Or, to be fair, ignorant enough, because some people just are not educated about how some of these games work. Yeah, of course. It's so creepy. So he goes on. So I researched Amway, learned about it, and noticed the online reviews were quite limited, another red flag. The few reviews I did find were not always positive. Some were quite critical. By this point, Tim and his mentor knew that I would have questions about MLMs, so in our next meeting, they addressed them. They insisted this wasn't a pyramid scheme, because you could potentially earn more money than the person who recruited you.

Yeah, that has nothing to do with it, but okay. They even showed me some math from their handout, but it was also overwhelming and fast-paced. I couldn't quite grasp it. By design. Tim's mentor then introduced me to his mentor, who had made millions through the process and was treated almost like a deity. Yeah. There was this whole vibe of extreme respect for your mentor and a clear hierarchy. They made it clear that their time was precious, and I should be grateful for even a few seconds of their attention.

L.O.L. Once another mentor gave me a ride back from an event and said, you should have a reason to let Tim's mentor know why you would be interested in joining them. I naively replied, yes, I'm thinking about it. Seems like I might join a little later as well. He said, this isn't an offer for a lifetime. That was when I saw their rough side for the first time. Like we talked about last week, building urgency, manufacturing scarcity,

it's all just clear nonsense. And also like, I'm very important. Really? Why are you chauffeering my broke ass around then? pal, you're so important. In the end, I didn't pursue it. Something about the weird secrecy didn't sit well with me and it just didn't feel right. Excellent. Good on you, man. Way to listen to your gut and pay attention to the signs. It's hard for a lot of people to do. However, a couple of months later, Tim followed up asking if I was still interested and I said I'd be happy to talk. Oh, really?

So it wasn't an offer that expired any time soon and that was total bullshit. Okay, got it. Thanks, Tim. Cool urgency, bro. Yeah. He goes on. Tim. Tim. his mentor and I got on a call, and Tim's mentor asked me, what has changed since last time? I didn't know what to say. Nothing had changed. I just agreed to chat again because Tim suggested it. I probably stumbled over my words, but I didn't pretend to be overly interested.

I could sense in his voice that he was upset that I wasn't pandering to him. He said, I have spoken to many, many people. While I wasn't sure what he was trying to imply, I gathered that he meant he's quite adept at reading people. Their organization seemed highly sophisticated, luring people in, then setting up the bait. Once again, I decided not to proceed, and I am glad I trusted my gut on it. As I reflected on my experience, I realized several things. These organizations seem to target individuals in their 20s and early 30s with limited experience, who are probably susceptible.

Yes, absolutely. They create a community or family-like atmosphere, but become upset if you choose to leave. It feels, again, uncomfortably cult-like. Yes, this is a textbook business cult. We're your family, unless you decide that you don't like us anymore, in which case we're going to cut you off from all of the rest of the family, because that's how we roll. The mention of Amway only comes at the very end of their pitch,

leaving those who don't proceed unaware of what they're really involved in. Yeah, very clever and very gross. In the initial meetings, they straightforwardly inquire about your income-generating plans. If you have anything going on beyond a typical 9-5, they don't proceed. If you don't, they argue in favor of their model. emphasizing the ease of becoming a quote-unquote independent business owner. Initially, they start off very friendly, offering rides to seminars and conferences, leveraging psychological tactics like reciprocity.

They present their MLM products and talk about how great they are. But this excitement seemed very forced. This was commitment and consistency. The more you do it, the more you believe it, and the deeper you get sucked in. Finally, I believe I was a guinea pig to teach Tim. If I joined, terrific. They made money. If I didn't, it would be a learning experience for Tim.

The more he did this, the more he learned about human psychology. Got to hand it to them. Which means he was not your friend. You were just a target to him, which is sad. It is tragic. Everyone's so disposable in these systems. It sucks. Yeah.

Hope this is helpful to anyone who comes into contact with these groups. Signed, hoping you don't get dispirited, or have too much fear amid all these ridiculous pyramids. I don't have a ton to add here. This awesome letter really speaks for itself. but man, you know, this guy who's writing in, he mentioned their organization is really sophisticated. I would actually say it's quite unsophisticated. They're counting on you to be even less sophisticated

because that's what they want. They don't want someone who is like, huh, this doesn't really make sense. Or I didn't really understand the math, but oh, well, I don't need to. It's like, no, no, no, you should understand the math because when it comes to MLMs, you eventually run out of people on planet Earth

before it becomes profitable for anybody in the middle. That's how the math actually works. It's not a pyramid scheme because you can make more than the person who recruited you. That's just changed the definition of pyramid scheme. A pyramid scheme is when you have to kick money upwards from what you aren't. That's it. That's the definition. Someone recruited you and you recruit more people under you.

That's what a pyramid scheme is. It's had nothing to do with the imaginary and totally fake income earning potential that they tell you you have. That is meaningless. So paying attention to the red flags, especially the fake friendship, the fake urgency, them trying to get you to do something for them, the reciprocity stuff. It's just really like a bunch of nonsense layered on top of each other. They're looking for people who are socially, isolated, ideally, or at least kind of in desperate straits. And it sucks, man. I talk to Uber drivers. A lot of those guys are like, oh, I'm really

into this thing. My friend, like, he took me to the grocery store. And then he was like, I don't even need these groceries. And then he gave them all to me. And it's like, well, wait, that's not a normal thing to do. You don't go grocery shopping, decide you don't need any of the things you bought and then give it to a person who needs groceries. He took you grocery shopping and paid. And for your stuff. That is different. Why do you think he did that? Like, I don't know. And then there was all kinds of nonsense like, oh, he lives in this big house. He's a millionaire. Yeah, okay. Yeah, his rents like $20,000 a month. Wait, you said he owned the house. Now you're saying he rents it. Did he tell you he owned it when he rents it? Uh, yeah, no, I can't remember. You know,

I hear this stuff all the time because they don't even care if the story has holes. They're looking for somebody who doesn't notice or doesn't care about the holes, right? That's what they want. That is what they are screening for. It's not sophisticated. It's actually quite him. fisted, but it works because you're looking for the lowest common denominator. All you have to do is run the numbers and keep going. So good for you for paying attention to all those flags and not sweeping them under the rug because of the promise of making some money later down the line, which is what they're counting on. You know, I just remembered something that happened to me years ago that I must have blocked until this moment. I used to do martial arts when I was a kid and there was a guy at my dojo who

came up to me one day. I must have been around 16 or so, maybe 17. And he was like, uh, he was involved in some financial MLM, which is even creepier than this Amway stuff. Like they were selling insurance and asset management services, which I can't even imagine giving your money to one of the organizations to manage. But he was apparently very successful in this super weird pyramid scheme. And I knew even back then that there was something off about it. And I heard other people at the school talking about it. So I think I was somewhat prepared.

But he came up to me. And I guess he was like, you know, he saw something in me and was like, hey, you know, we do this thing. And I think you could be really great at it. And I would love to talk to you. about it. And I was like, well, thank you so much. But I already have a job, actually. I was in high school, obviously, but I had at least one job. I usually, I worked at a store. I tutored students. I did a bunch of stuff. And I was like, I already have a job. I actually have two jobs. And he said something

that I just remember, he goes, I'm not offering you a job. I'm offering you a career. And I had to very delicately tell this older guy who was like kind of a big deal in the studio, I'm not interested. And it was so uncomfortable. And I just, I guess I'm just appreciating how hard it is to stand up to these guys because part of what they're doing is exerting this social pressure. It is so uncomfortable to tell somebody, I'm not buying what you're selling and I actually find it weird. No, thank you. Yeah. But you know what? That was wildly inappropriate of him to recruit at the martial arts studio. Look, it's been a long time since I've trained anywhere. But one of the things you don't do in your dojo or your, you know, whatever, is go like, hey, I've got my crappy MLM

scam and I want you to join it. Inviting someone to your birthday party? Cool. asking somebody to go for a jog or lift weights afterwards, cool. Asking somebody to join your shady business venture, not cool, man. But they'll do it anywhere. Yeah, they don't care. That's why we get letters from people who are like, I was at Barnes & Noble, and somebody came up to me and asked me, it's like, when you're recruiting from a bookstore, while you're pretending, you're fake shopping and avoiding the manager who kicked you out last week

for the same thing, you're being an a-hole. That is all you're doing, and you're doing it professionally, which is pathetic. Always be recruiting. That's their motto. ABR. Got a nice ring to it. We did a deep dive and an article about how not to fall for scams. This is great for somebody who's like in the middle of this, or if you know somebody who's in the middle of being recruited for some crap like this. I think that was episode 395. But again, there's also an article about it if you can't get them to listen to an actual podcast, deep dive on it.

We're also going to link to a ton of Feedback Friday questions and answers about scams where we talk about all of this in a lot more detail. So if you know somebody who needs to hear that, those would be the ones to point them to. You know who else will leverage social pressure and psychological tactics get you to open your wallet. Yours truly when he tells you about the amazing sponsors that support this show. But hey, at least I'm not going to make you read some dumbass airport literature first. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our sponsors. All of the deals, discount codes and ways to support the show are all searchable

and clickable over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Also, if you can't find something, you're not sure if a code still works or exists at all. Email me, Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. I will dig up that code for you. It is that important that you support those who support the show. All right, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hey, guys, I'm the eldest of four siblings spread out over 10 years,

and our father is nearing the end of his life. He'll be leaving behind a moderate amount of money. My parents have been divorced for 25 years, but remain friends. A couple months ago, my mother called me and told me, she thought I should tell my dad not to leave me any money because my siblings all need it more than I do. I was pretty angry about it at the time, but now I wonder if she's right. I'm the only one of his four children who graduated from high school and college. With my partner, we make upwards of $200,000 a year, own a couple of properties, and are helping

our children through college. Meanwhile, my siblings have all struggled with money. Mental illness runs in the family, and it comes from my dad's side. One of my siblings is bipolar, while the other children. other two have depression. That's made holding a job difficult for the two youngest, and their lack of advanced education has held them back. My youngest brother was also diagnosed with a chronic illness about eight years ago. He's still relatively healthy, but could face significant challenges throughout his life. My dad was not involved in my life when I lived at home, relying on my mom to fill him in

on what his kids were doing, while he spent all of his hours after work as a special ed teacher, hold up in his bedroom reading books. Our relationship now consists of a few awkward phone calls each year, where we mostly talk about the weather. Raising my children with my incredibly loving and involved partner has been amazing, but it's also made me think about what I missed out on. I realize that inheriting money from my dad will do absolutely nothing to fix our lack of relationship all my life. But part of me feels like if I were able to do something nice with the money, It would almost be like my dad did something nice for me. The amount of money he's set to leave each of us would not be life-changing for me,

probably less than $50,000 to each of his children, but it could be for my siblings. Do they deserve it more than me? Should I ask my dad to split it among the three of them? Signed, hold the line and accept what's mine, or be an ally and say goodbye to my piece of the pie. Man, another fascinating question. Gabe, I think the theme of today's episode might be

highly ambiguous situations with no clear right answer. Yeah, strong feedback Friday vibes today, I think. That's true, but I don't know. The letters today just seem extra no right answer-y. So, first of all, I'm very sorry to hear that your father is nearing the end of his life. I imagine this is a very intense transition for all of you, you, your siblings, your mom. The question of this money assigned, the death of a parent, even a very flawed parent, it's a major event. It brings up so many feelings, and I hope you're holding up okay through all this. So you're asking a really interesting question. Do my siblings deserve this money more than me? And I guess my question is, what does deserve mean to you? How are you defining this concept of who deserves what? If it's just based on

financial need, then yeah, okay, in a certain way you could argue that your siblings deserve this money more than you. They're struggling with finances. You and your partner aren't. They have more profound needs than you do. Well, at least your youngest brother does, the one with the chronic illness. I'm not totally clear on how much your other siblings' mental health challenges have shaped their outcomes, but that's one way to look at it. The other way to look at it is you were all your father's children, so you all deserve equal shares of this money, whatever your individual circumstances are. Is that fair in the cosmic sense? Okay, maybe not. Your siblings inherited some very difficult stuff from your dad. It sounds like maybe you didn't, although you didn't really

specify, which is interesting. Your brother ended up with this chronic illness, which is obviously not his fault. All of that sucks. But, Is it fair in terms of sharing equally and family resources? Yeah, I think so. And your dad obviously thought so too, if that's what he's doing, is leaving it to all to you equally. And I think you still have to make room for individual responsibility here. How your siblings have taken care of themselves or not taking care of themselves,

how those choices might have played out. And I'm talking primarily about your other siblings here, not your brother with the chronic illness. I'm not saying that everything could have been easy for them if they just worked harder or that they'd have a ton of money, if they just went to therapy or whatever. I'm sure that it's complicated. What I am saying is, when it comes to the question of do they deserve this money more because life is harder for them, I think it's fair to ask how their decisions and values have shaped those

outcomes that are making you go, huh, maybe I should give up my share. Or at least to say, there's some part of this that is under their control, and I'm just not sure I should have to give up my share to make up for their circumstances. Not because they don't deserve your compassion, but because doing so might then be unfair to you. All that said, if you and your partner talk about this and decide, you know what, we make plenty of money, we have properties, we're lucky enough to be able to put our kids through college, siblings don't have these things, let them keep the 50 grand, they need it more. That would be a kind thing to do, sure. I don't think you're a bad person whatsoever, though, if you don't do that. Okay, but if you did do it, you'd be doing a nice thing for them,

and based on what you said, maybe they could use the help. Although now that I think about it, not to turn this into dollars and cents, but, so if you take your share, you get 50 grand, right? If you give up your share, then that 50 grand will be shared between three siblings, right? Which is like 17 grand per person, not even, which isn't nothing. I'm sure they'd love to have the money, but it's just not life-changing. So it's an interesting question. Does giving up 50 grand for your siblings actually benefit them more than keeping that money for yourself and, I don't know, paying for a year of college tuition or investing the money

or saving up for another rental property? I'm just not sure that it does. So maybe that's another way of looking at it. Not in terms of who deserves it, but in terms of the impact the money is going to have, given the way that it would be divided. I personally, I'm leaning towards keeping it, to be honest, even though that kind of makes me feel like the Monopoly Man with his little top hat right now. I don't know. Gabe, what do you think?

I think you're spot on, and I'm with you. I'm leaning toward keeping it as well, especially given the math that you just laid out. Although, to be fair, $17,000 is still quite a bit of money. And if that pays for a couple years of therapy or cover somebody's medication, or it could be the start of a nest egg, that could still be enormously useful to these siblings. A fair point is just very different from 50 grand. Very different, obviously. But that's what's so hard about this.

What's impactful to our friend here is different from what's impactful to her siblings. And I don't actually know whether that should be the variable that decides all this. What I would also take into account here is what is her relationship with her siblings like. We didn't get much color on that. She told us how they've struggled. She hasn't told us whether they're kind people, whether they're close, whether they get along well. I think that matters here too. For sure, if her siblings are total a-holes or even if they're just kind of neutral,

I think that's another reason to keep her share of the inheritance. Probably right. Whereas if her siblings are these really wonderful, kind, generous people, if they've really been there for her in the past and they're struggling now, that's kind of a different story. I also think this comes down to what meaning you make out of this inheritance. On one level, yes, it's just money. On another level, it's a piece of your family's legacy. It's a piece of your father.

a father who was not the most present or loving parent and who might sort of in a certain way be making up for it with this money. Not that 50 grand even comes close to a dad who takes an interest in you and tucks you in every night, but it's something. And maybe more to the point what you do with this money, how it makes you feel and what other experiences it makes possible, that's part of the meaning you get to make out of this inheritance too. And by the same token, if you give this inheritance up, what meaning will you make out of that? Will you feel like you sacrificed something that you really shouldn't have? Will you feel like you missed a chance to be connected to your dad in some way? Will you feel noble on one level, but maybe quietly resent your

siblings on another level? Jordan, have you ever read any Philip Roth, the author? I don't think so. Maybe, but I doubt it. He wrote this book. One of my favorite books ever is called Patrimony, and it's a memoir about the death of his father. And there's a part of this book where he talks about his father leaving him and his brother some stocks or something that were in some account. And Philip Roth, that point was a really famous author and he probably had a good amount of money. And at first, he told his brother, just take that money. I don't need it. You enjoy it. Dad gave it to both of us, but I want you to have it. And then later he goes through this whole process where he suddenly gets kind of like protective of this money, not in a greedy kind of way, but in a dad left it to both

of us. And now I'm realizing that it was this thread between me and dad. And this is part of how he lives on in my life. And this is like my share of the family's stuff. And I don't want to give it up to my brother. And he writes beautifully about this anger that he feels, this like righteousness that he feels like, I don't want to screw my brother, but I don't want to give up this piece of my dad. It's a really interesting thing that he wrestles with in that book. And it totally reminds me of this story. Anyway, all that to say, take a moment and really consider what this inheritance means to you, what you can make it mean to you. In the end, I have a feeling that that's what's actually going to matter the most. It's a good point, Gabe. There's dollars and cents and then there's feelings and

meanings. And because this money is tied to a parent, a complicated parent, well, a set of complicated siblings as well, those feelings and meanings are probably very rich, if you'll pardon a pun. Well, actually, you make a good point. We have to talk about the fact that it was her mom who suggested she give up the money, right? Yeah, I thought that was interesting. I don't exactly know what to make out of that. I guess we would need to know more, but it does make me wonder whether mom has always kind of prioritized the siblings over our friend here or always expected her to give things up, to give them a leg up. Good reminder that occurred to me too. Like, you're the successful one. You're the high functioning one. They deserve more help. Has this been a lifelong pattern? Well, she said she was

quite angry when her mom brought this up at first, which tells me that this is probably an old pattern in their family. And is that why our friend here is so quick to go, well, maybe they do deserve it more. Yeah, and just play that out for the rest of your life. If you agree to this inheritance thing, I can see a world where your mom comes to you every few years. Like, you should lend Sharon money for therapy. You should let Darren stay in your rental property for free. Billy got fired from his job because he was too depressed to meet his deadlines. Can you lend him $10,000 for a security deposit because he lost his place? I know that I'm speculating. Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but again, the casualness with which this was delivered, at least in the letter, I just doubt it was the first time their mom has

done stuff like this. And you know, the more we talk about this, the more I find it weird and inappropriate for mom who's divorced from dad. So it's not her money to be telling one of her children to give up their inheritance. It's not her freaking business. It's not her money. And our friend here is well within her right to say, oh, I hear you, mom, but dad left us all this money and I'd like to take my share. Thanks for your input. And if you do, well, I would be prepared for your mom to potentially react in a very intense way to you standing up for yourself and actually setting a boundary here, especially if you're doing that for the first time in your life. And if she does react that way, that doesn't make you a monster, quite the opposite.

So take some time to sit with all this, talk to your partner about it, really explore all the angles, the practical ones, and these more philosophical ones, and I know you'll make the right call. Again, I'm so sorry you have to say goodbye to your dad. It is an inevitable but painful part of life. We're sending you, your dad, your siblings, and your mom a big old hug. My recommendation this week, a big rechargeable battery. I know people are like, what a battery that's so unexciting. The brand I recommend is Anchor. It's A-N-K-E-R.

I got one for Christmas from my brother-in-law, and I was like, this is a waste. I'm never using this. Can I take this thing back? And Jen's like, oh, my God, we're never going to use these. It turned out to be one of the things I've used most in my entire life. I used it until it wore out. This isn't last Christmas.

They last longer than a year. Now we have this massive one that sits on a charging station in the kitchen, and it has become the charging HQ for all of the devices in the family. So my nanny will be charging her phone on there and two iPads for the kids, and then I'll charge my phone on there. Jen's charging her computer on there. And I'm just like, how do we survive without this? And when I travel, I take the big battery that detaches from the charging station.

I take it with me every single time. And I can't tell you how many times it's like, uh-oh, this outlet, the hotel with the charger next to the bed doesn't work. Well, good thing I have this battery. Or this flight's delayed and everything ran out. Or the electricity on the plane, and the plug suddenly doesn't work for anybody. and I'm the only person, you know, I'm charging my phone. I'm fine. My laptop's still going. I'll send you the one that we use here at home in the show notes. And if you click that link,

it'll go through our Amazon affiliate account, so you'll be helping to support the show as well. I know this is a weird sort of unsexy recommendation, but man, is this utilitarian. I mean, it is absolutely the most useful thing that we have. By the way, just so you guys know none of the products that we share in recommendation of the week, the segment we're doing here, none of them are sponsors of the show. These are just things we love. Sometimes we'll include that on affiliate link. So if you buy it, we get like, I don't know, five bucks or whatever it is. I just want to make that clear. Nobody's paying us to say, I really like this. That's not what this segment is about. Also, in case you didn't know, there's a subreddit for our show. If you want to

jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, if there was an episode you really liked, an episode you really didn't like, or you want to share some additional thoughts or learn more from other people in our show fam. Definitely check it out. There's some cool conversations happening over there about pretty much every episode. You can find that over on Reddit in the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. All right, next up. Hey guys, you talk a lot about going to therapy on the show, which I really appreciate and which has inspired me to finally start going to therapy myself.

You also talk a lot about processing emotions in therapy, especially when you guys take letters about trauma, difficult experiences, tough memories, etc. I understand what talking about your experiences means in therapy, but what does processing actually look like? What should it look like? Is that different from talking or is it part of talking? Also, I've started to look for therapists in my area and I'm kind of shocked by how expensive decent therapy is.

I've had to put off going for a while because of the cost and when I do begin, I'm going to have to be very frugal to afford it. I also might not be able to go for a long time, which kind of sucks. Any thoughts on finding good affordable therapy I can stick with for a while? Signed, want to hear your piece on how to release for ideally a reasonable fee. Well, first of all, I am so happy that you were inspired to begin therapy because of the show. That's great news. It means a lot to me because, well, especially because I still get the occasional message from people going like, why do you always recommend therapy? That's all you guys do on

Feedback Friday. And I want to say, well, because we can't fix everything about someone's life in eight minutes. And also, look, people start going. It is an absolute game changer. So good on you for going, for prioritizing it in your budget. That is fantastic. I'm super excited for you to begin and see the results from this. So you're asking a great question. So you're asking a great question. question, what does processing emotions actually mean? And actually, we talk about that a lot, but I could be even clearer about it too, so I'm happy for the opportunity to dig into it. We wanted to ask an expert what this means, so we reached out to Dr. Aaron Margolis, clinical psychologist and friend of the show. I'm also known to the people who know me the best

as the fucking doctor. And the first thing Dr. Margolis said was, processing emotions and therapy is not just talking about your emotions, although that can certainly be a part of it. The short answer to your question in her view is, processing your emotions is about learning to relate to your emotions in the most effective way possible, the healthiest way possible, given the circumstances. The longer answer is that learning to do this can be a challenging, nuanced, sometimes multi-step process that looks different depending on the person, the emotion, the trigger, the situation in which a given emotion gets activated, all that. So when we talk about relating to your feelings differently or discovering a healthier way of engaging with your emotions, Dr. Margolis feels that we're

talking about either being able to feel that emotion without the same intensity or magnitude of distress, or if we do feel the same amount of distress, learning to manage it and move through it with relative ease. So yes, for sure, talking about feelings, that can be part of processing, but how you talk about it, that's what's more important. Because obviously there's a difference between, say, exploring the different contours of the feelings you have and just, you know, venting about them. So part of processing and therapy might include being able to accurately label an emotion, particularly at a really granular level. Dr. Margolis gave us an example. Let's say somebody comes into session and says that they're sad. Sad is a pretty broad term. It also doesn't necessarily

feel the same to everyone. So she might ask them questions about their sadness so that when they say to her, I'm feeling sad today. She knows exactly what that means in their mind. or heart, their body, their soul, whatever. So really getting into the details of the feeling, that's one part of it. Because these things don't feel as overwhelming to manage when they're more granular, when they exist in bite-sized chunks

rather than big, broad, amorphous, maybe even kind of unpalatable terms. But Dr. Margolis also said that another part of emotional processing might be really understanding that feeling, making sense of the feeling, knowing where it came from, why it's there, why it's connected to a particular experience or trigger, why it shows up for you when it does,

how it shows up in the way that it does. And part of understanding an emotion might also include understanding the function of that emotion. For example, is that emotion there to protect you from some deeper, more vulnerable feeling? Is that the feeling that actually needs her attention? Because it can sometimes be challenging to fully process an emotion if we don't understand what's beneath it, what role it might be playing, which also includes looking at how you are with your emotions when they come up. For example, do you shame or judge yourself for feeling your feelings or maybe only some feelings? Because sometimes processing experiences means learning to meet those emotions with more curiosity, more self-compassion, and then it might become a conversation about

why it's difficult to meet a particular emotion with compassion. What would meeting it with compassion look like? How might it shift the emotion? Yes, which gets into another common element of emotional processing in Dr. Margolis' view, which is meaning making, which is really funny because this is literally what we were just talking about in the previous question with the inheritance. We all attach meaning to our feelings. If you have a partner who doesn't respond to your needs in a way that feels good to you, for example, maybe you make the meaning, well, if I really mattered, they would respond better, so I must not matter. Or let's say you have a friend who, I don't know, doesn't check in on you when you're in the middle of a hard time and you make the assumption,

you start telling the story, well, they don't care about me because if they really cared, they would check on me and you can see how, you know, the thought leads to another thought, blah, blah, blah. But the meanings we make, they don't always reflect what is actually happening in reality. So Dr. Margolis thinks that it's really important to know what meanings we're attributing to certain things, why we're attributing those meanings to a certain experience. And if those meanings are inaccurate or incomplete or unhelpful to see if she and a patient can start to open them up, which I happen to find super helpful.

And that's a lot of what we end up doing here on the show, you know, trying to answer a question sometimes not by finding the solution or debating the facts, but by inviting a listener to explore the different meanings that they get to make out of their situation. Totally. So there are a few elements that make up what we broadly call emotional processing. And Dr. Margolis wanted to be clear about this. This isn't a comprehensive list. There's no checklist or rubric for how to successfully process things. There are definitely other elements of therapy that might be involved in processing a given emotion. To quote her here, I don't know that there is a single should when it comes to processing your emotions. The idea she came back to again and again

was the way you talk about something and the specific things you talk about with regard to that emotion, that's what makes emotional processing successful. And what I thought was super interesting, she said most of the time, these are experiences that a person never has when the original emotion was created. In other words, if you had a traumatic experience when you were young, you might not have had anyone to help you understand the experiences that you associated with it. Maybe there was no one to recognize the meaning you were making out of those experiences at the time that they happened and then intervene before they lead to emotional distress or difficulty. So when you give yourself the opportunity to have new experiences with these emotions,

with the help of a trusted clinician, that's also an important part of what leads to successful emotional processing. The ultimate question that she's always thinking about is, is this person having a new experience of their emotion in some way? Are they thinking about it differently? Are they understanding it differently? Are they responding to it differently? Are those productive stops on the road to relating to old feelings in a new and more helpful way?

So as a client, you might ask yourself those same questions as you begin therapy. And Dr. Margole has said that if you aren't sure or you aren't feeling that yet, that is totally okay. It can take time. And you can absolutely discuss this with your own therapist and maybe get their sense of what processing is and ask them what they're looking for. what you might want to start paying attention to to to make sure that you're on the right track, that you're making the progress you want to make in therapy processing wise.

But all in all, in her view, the fact that you're even open and willing to engage in this process, that you're showing so much curiosity about it, that is a great start. I second that. I say this all the time. It takes great courage and commitment to begin therapy, to make it a priority. And I love that our friend here wants to make the most of it. Okay. Now, about how expensive therapy can be, I hear you.

You're right. It is quite expensive. Most health care systems, at least here in America, they do not prioritize mental health very well, which sucks. And that often prevents people from being able to access good therapy, which is a real shame. I mean, I've gotten quotes from therapists. I was like, oh, I'm going to go do it in person. It's like, we're $365 an hour. And I was like, sorry, what? Did you say $65 an hour? Or, no, $365. It's just, it can be insane. So totally separately from Dr. Margolis and her console, this is Uncle Jordan talking here now. I'm very happy to share that we'll, be offering three months of free BetterHelp Therapy to two of our listeners every month through the end of this year. So if you need the gift of therapy, but you cannot afford it right now, drop Gabe an email Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com, he'll hook you up. But there are a few caveats to keep in mind. After the three months are up, you'd start paying for the sessions at BetterHelp's famously competitive rates, but you'd still have those 12 weeks on the house.

And if you're like, nah, then you can cancel it. It's fine. You're not just going to, you're not on the hook for the whole year or whatever. You know, you just pay attention to that because they'll eventually start getting charged. Again, we can only give out two of these vouchers a month. So if we've already given them out before you write in, please don't be angry, please don't be disappointed. We're just working within Better Helps Guidelines. I wish I could give hundreds of these away, but alas, they're not into that. When you write to Gabe, please include just a couple of sentences about why you need the support right now. That'll help us make sure we're extending this offer to folks who really need it. Basically make yourself sound as pathetic as possible.

No, I kid, but we really do need to know a little bit about you. And we apologize in advance if you need to wait or it doesn't work out this year, depending on how much demand for this there actually is. And on that note, I think this goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway, we kindly ask that you only reach out if you truly need assistance in getting therapy. Better help is not that expensive, but some people really have no room in the budget. Please don't be shy about asking for help. We're truly excited to give these vouchers out.

but if we get dozens and dozens of requests or hundreds, we want to make sure that we're hearing from folks who truly need the financial support right now. It's a really cool opportunity. We're really happy to be offering it, and we hope you take us up on it. And our friend who wrote in, whether you use better help or not,

I hope you have a productive, interesting, fruitful journey in therapy. And again, I'm so proud of you for taking the first step. I have a feeling that you're going to do great work there. And to everyone else, we're happy to help you do the same. So we'll look for your emails. Happy processing, y'all. go back and check out the episodes with Andrew Bustamante if you haven't done so yet,

especially if you're into the geopolitics kind of stuff. I think it was just a real fun one. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know like and trust. And I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself. Actually, we talked a lot about networking with Andrew Bustamante because it's CIA agents basically live and eat and breathe this stuff. The six-minute networking course is something I've taught to intelligence officers from various agencies around the world. It's free. It's on the thinkific platform at six-minute networking.com. Dig the well before you get thirsty, build relationships before you need them. And if you're in the intelligence services,

I probably don't need to sell you on that. You can find it all for free at six-minute networking.com. Show notes and transcripts at Jordan Harbinger.com. Advertisers, discounts, and ways to support the show, all at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram, and you can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created an association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Dr. Margolis's input

is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. She doesn't even know you. That's what we're trying to say here. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. If you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger show to check out, here's a trailer of our interview with hip-hop legend T.I. Harris on Howley went from

committing crimes to committing rhymes. If you like a good comeback story, stay tuned for that to give you a little inspiration. Let's expedite this ice. Now where I'm from, we do what we call pouring our own All right. Cheers. Cheers. All right. You dropped out of high school. When you were that age, were you thinking, oh, I'm just going to sell drugs for a while that I'm going to become a famous musician.

Well, to be perfectly candid with you, that's exactly what I was thinking. Really? I was going to sell drugs until I earned myself the opportunity to become a musician or an artist. I found out my girlfriend at the time was pregnant with my oldest son, quit my job at the airport, completely started head first into the street. That probably lasted about three or four months. But my probation officer still thought I worked at the airport. We had been working on a demo to shop around. It was phenomenal stuff.

I said, if you could take me somewhere right now where I could have an opportunity to present myself to somebody, then I'll stop. Jason said, I know somewhere, and I say, see, that's why we're on the team again. So we pull up, Jason walked me in the room, and then immediately I meet Reese and Mello. Three months after that, I was signed. A month before my son was born, I was straight. Your parole officer must have been like, oh, great, he's got a record deal. All right, he's going to be back at the airport in like a month and a half. You are on thin ice, man.

I mean, to be honest, which he didn't find out I wouldn't at the airport until I told him. He still thinks he worked at airport. For more with TI, including some tips on how he runs his business here, check out episode 262 with Tip Ti Harris right here on the Jordan Harbinger show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me say, you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way.

Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get

your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.