The Jordan Harbinger Show - 1093: When the Hunter Becomes the Honeypot | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

Your wife's cousin's boyfriend is catfishing you with his ex's photos. Plot twist: you know it's him and...kinda like it! Welcome to Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: You discovered you're being catfished by your wife's cousin's boyfriend using his ex-girlfriend's photos. The twist? You've actually found him attractive at family events, and now you're enjoying this strange flirtation, knowing it's really him. How deeply do you sip this intoxicating blend of deception and desire? Your Lithuanian name creates challenges in professional settings — from constant pronunciation explanations to misgendering in emails. As you build your personal brand, you're wrestling with whether to adopt a more "local" name while still honoring your heritage. What's the right balance to strike here? Your son, a newly commissioned military officer, is struggling with stress and performance issues. While cleaning his room, you discovered ED medication, and now you're caught between parental concern and respecting his privacy. How involved should you be in this delicate matter? Your girlfriend's teenage brother was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and believes their father's lies about maternal abuse. The family's pain is becoming unbearable to watch — but is it your place to intervene? Recommendation of the Week: Accupressure mat You've saved money for both your children's college education, but one is attending an expensive school while the other chose a more affordable option. You're grappling with fairness — should the funds be split equally, or should each child's full education be covered regardless of cost? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi. Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1093 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy med yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you do. get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer. The Red Nosed Reindeer pulling the sleigh of conundra as we drop these fire gifts of life drama beneath your tree. Gabriel Mizrahi.

Ho, ho. Hold up, I guess. Yeah. That's right. It's not going to be socks. Yeah, I can promise you. You're not going to end up with socks or underwear. No, these stocking stuffers are going to be lit today.

lit. Just trauma in there. That's all. Just pure, unadulterated trauma. What is this? What'd you get me this year? Oh, a whole new batch of WTF. Thanks, Mom. Yeah, exactly. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. In our mission on the show is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from former jihadis and drug traffickers to generals and rocket scientists, even the occasional extreme athlete or tech luminary. This week, we had Gene Simmons lead singer of Kiss, formerly lead singer of kiss

on fame, money, parenting, kind of maybe a case study on some things, what not to do in life in many ways, even though he's extremely successful by certain metrics. We also had a skeptical Sunday last Sunday on troubled teens. On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, and get weirdly vulnerable. Because I'm going to get real TMI to today and share with all of you that I got a vasectomy this week. And I am in pain right now. Yeah. So for guys out there, it's like I got kicked in the balls every hour for the last five

days. It may be not that bad, but it's like definitely feels like a serious kick in the nuts, maybe every morning, because when you lay down, you're fine. So this thing is that every day I go to sleep and I'm like, oh, I'm going to be good. I wake up, I'm like, I'm cured. And then three hours later, I'm like, no, not at all. However, I will say that I'm excited for the results, I guess you would say. So for the game nerds out there, myself included, it's like, you know, when you pick up a new

weapon in a game and you're like, oh, I can't wait to fire this thing and see what it's like. That's kind of where I'm at with it, although right now it's kind of like getting stabbed, even thinking about doing that. So I've got to wait a couple weeks. Your health bar is low, and it's slowly working its way back up. That's right. And every time you fire it, that health bar takes a little bit of a ding. I would imagine, so you've got to be careful.

But, you know, there's going to be a vast deference between the hanky-panky I had before and the hanky-panky I'm having now. You know what I mean? That was solid fun. I like that one. You can't get a vasectomy without locking in a couple vast deference jokes. No. What kind of father would I be if I didn't take advantage of this particular opportunity that will never arise again? Speaking of arising, that also is painful.

Who's going to say it? I don't know. As always, we've got some fun ones and some doozies. They're excited to dive in. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Oh, man. All right. Let's get into it.

Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm in my 40s and in a marriage where we've been living separate lives for a couple of years now. Then, a couple months ago, I received an unsolicited message from an attractive woman. She said she was a friend of a friend moving to the area and started by asking some questions about the neighborhood. She quickly became flirtatious, so I did a reverse image search. and discover that the picture belonged to a different woman. Nice, that's smart. You know what?

This sort of catfishing stuff can be really tricky. On Instagram, right, it's really obvious. They all use the same name and the same script. But if somebody's targeting you, really reverse image search is like, that's your first stop. When I contacted that woman, she told me she'd previously had her picture used by an ex-boyfriend whom she now has no contact with.

It turns out, this ex is now the current boyfriend of my wife's cousin. so it looks like I'm getting catfished by an in-law's partner. See, now I wish I'd saved my whole up soundbite for now. That one's going to come in handy a lot today. Yeah, dang. Wow, this is so bizarre. So I got to make sure I got this straight. This guy, so our friend here, he's being catfished by his wife's cousin's boyfriend.

Who used to date this other woman whose photo he's using, that's right. Okay. And for those who don't know catfish, can you define catfishing real quick? Yeah, so catfishing is like luring somebody online into a relationship by pretending to be somebody or not. Not just what everyone does online because it is kind of like this, but it'll be like someone posts a photo and it's just that's not your photo. It's literally not you.

Right. It's just somebody else. Different gender, different look, different age, whatever it is. Okay, got it. There was a whole show about it. There was. Which was weirdly fascinating. I think it might even still be on.

Yeah, that guy built a whole career off of investigating catfishing and stuff. I've seen a couple episodes. I feel like this is something you want. watch on an airplane. Kind of. But it's weirdly entertaining. It is. People they find are so bizarre.

It's a strange thing to do. The mental process that goes into it is so strange. I remember there was one where it was like a, it was like a gay dude pretending to be a blonde woman and then he was talking to this football player. And then he was like, I just want to meet him in real life and explain everything. And then he'll understand and then we'll still be in love. And I'm like, dude, what? Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Yeah, it just makes no sense at all. It's just totally shocking. So I can't wait to hear where this goes because this is officially the champagne bottle being smashed on the hull of this week's dues cruise. So he goes on, I think there are three possible reasons he's doing this. One, he's trying to get me in an embarrassing situation which my wife could then use as grounds for getting a better settlement in a divorce. Ooh, that's a dark possibility. Yeah, that actually makes some sense. Good thinking. I don't think that means my wife is involved.

There are no indications of that, though it is possible. so I need to be careful. I'm trying to imagine a scenario, Jordan, where that could be happening and his wife wouldn't be involved. So somebody would just be trying to... Yeah, it seems weird. Like, hey, I got you a present for Christmas.

I catfish your husband, and now he's sending me dickpicks. Like, what? Yeah. I mean, maybe? I don't know. I just got you half of his 401K. You're welcome.

Yeah, weird. He goes on, my wife and I live in the same house, and I don't want to end up having to sell the house and upset the kids. Wow, that is just such a weird scenario. There's a lot going on here. Yeah, there's a lot going on.

of this marriage and it's not even the thing he's asking about. FYI, I haven't done anything wrong so far that would cause a divorce and haven't taken any embarrassing selfies. Okay, good. Thank God. Possibility two, he's doing this on his own initiative and will soon be trying to blackmail me if I play along much more. Yeah, so that's where I'm going with this because if you think your wife doesn't know,

this guy could be like, by the way, I can make your divorce a hell of a lot worse if you don't give me $10,000 or whatever. The dilemma I'm in is that once I found out who's doing the catfishing, a good-looking guy in his late 20s who I've met at family events and found attractive, I've started to really enjoy the flirtatious messages. Oh, man, again, I should have saved my hold-ups. I should just go back and, yeah, what on earth? Just keep your finger on the soundboard button, because that's going to keep happening. That whole up soundbite is so, this is just all, what? Wait, what am I continue? Am I hearing what I think I'm hearing? While I assume he doesn't know that I've discovered his identity, I like to think that

Actually, he might know and could be messaging me with his own wishes, which is possibility number three. Wow, this story's got legs, Gabe. What is happening? Catfishception over here. Seriously, this is fascinating. So Michael Jackson popcorn dot jiff. Keep going. I previously wondered whether he was perhaps bisexual and given this situation, am realizing this may apply to me as well. He's a bit of a bravado jock who would never openly say any of these things. So that That makes me wonder if he's secretly enjoying the messages too, as he clearly knows they're coming to me. Knowing it's really him, telling me her desires, is exciting and makes it feel like we have a secret relationship.

I could be kidding myself, but when we've met before, he's behaved in a way that was quite attractive, arm around the shoulder type thing, but he does this with some other people too, so it could be a false alarm. If we ever did get together, it would need to be covert for us both, given his jock image and my wish to not provide grounds for divorce, and it's likely to be short-lived but thrilling. But I feel a bit guilty as I'm now effectively reverse catfishing the catfisher and getting a twisted pleasure out of it,

and I know I can't keep this up forever. Okay, so technically you're not reverse catfishing the catfisher because you are who you say you are. You're just a very self-aware, clever catfishy who's about to step in it, I think. I don't have any firm evidence of this, but if this turns out to be a tactic for a divorce, it will definitely become known who's involved and could implode as a strategy as the catfisher couldn't hide and would be legally liable if it looked like blackmail. And blackmail would be

very clumsy and the likely legal trouble should put this guy off. The sensible thing to do is to tell him the games up and that I've been stringing him along for a while for a laugh. But it's also the boring thing. And I'd be denying myself something that could be fun. Oh, okay, this is so insane. I mean, You're not wrong, man, but my God, you're playing with fire here. What do you think I should do? Should I tell him I know it's him and finish it? Or should I say that I've known it was him for a while and that I'd like us to continue without the pretense

to see if he'd like to start a real physical relationship? Or is that taking advantage of him, as he may agree just to avoid being exposed as a catfisher, which is also kind of hot? Oh my God, okay, this is too much. Is this real? Or is this whole thing just twisted, and doomed.

Signed, crazy-ish to tempt this catfish or unselfish to pursue a new wish. First thing's first. Brough. Second thing. It's a bro to the max.

What? I can understand the last one right off the bat, definitely twisted and doomed. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a part of me that absolutely wants you to keep this up so you can keep giving us updates

and we can air them and see how this whole thing plays out because this is bananas. Bananas. This is a new one for us, game. I got to say, And I've seen a lot of ish in the last like two decades of doing this podcast. Jordan just lit a cigarette when he said that.

Yeah, I'm just ashing onto my microphone. I've seen it all on Feedback Friday, but I'd never seen some shit like this. That's right. That's right. An unfiltered cigarette. Yeah. Whole new species of dues right here. We're going to need a whole new champagne bottle.

That's right. A whole new dues phylum for sure. Reverse catfishing, your catfish are scamming your scammer. And getting the weirdest thrill out of it. But not like the thrill. of justice. He's getting off on this. There's a sexual component to it that makes this so complicated and fascinating. Yeah, it's part revenge, part fantasy, part self-exploitation. There's so much happening in this. Yeah, but this catfisher, he has no idea that our friend here is engaging in a fantasy or a roleplay.

He just thinks that our friend thinks he's engaging with another woman, so they're having two totally different experiences here. But that is part of the thrill, because our friend here is one step ahead of this guy. Right. Fascinating. So obviously the responsible thing to do, the clean thing to do, is to tell him you know it's him and put an end to this. That's the best way to minimize the drama, the inevitable fallout, and avoid getting yourself into an increasingly messy situation. Okay. I mean, way to go with the boring choice, Jordan. I know. I know. No, you're right. The longer you string this guy long, the worse, it's going to be when you finally tell him. Or when he finally figures it out, which he eventually will. But like I said, there's a part of me,

Dark Jordan, I guess, that just wants you to keep going just to have the story. And also, look, he tries to blackmail you. You know that it's him and you're like, actually, I've got documentation that I know it's used, so I'm just going to get the police involved. I mean, you could really have this guy wrapped around your figure. And look, you're welcome to do that. Just know that you're playing with fire a little bit here. If this blows up in your face somehow, like things escalate, your wife finds out, this guy tries to blackmail you, like I said, or his girlfriend, your wife's cousin finds out you guys are having some weird, sorted sexting relationship, you just have to be willing to accept the consequences. I mean, you said you have kids

too, so it's like, you know, you got to be careful. There's a lot at stake. Yeah, yeah, it's not like you're single and some guy you know is doing this to you. That would be kind of different. Then I would say like, yeah, tease this guy until he tries to blackmail you and then call the FBI or whatever. So my advice is think through these consequences right now. Imagine all of them playing out exactly as you fear and ask yourself how you'd handle them. And if you'd be kicking your past self for not ending this sooner, or if you'd be willing to accept the costs to have your fun now, which is just like never worth it pretty much. What concerns me the most about all of this is the assumptions that our friend here is making about this guy that are feeding the fantasy. He said that he likes to

think that this guy actually might know that he knows who he is, that he could be texting him with his own wishes. Yeah, I got to say, I'm not sure how likely that is. That feels like quite a reach. It does feel like a reach. He said he wondered if this guy was by. He's obviously hoping that he is. So there's a part of him that wants it to be true that he's secretly enjoying all of this. Right, because it's exciting to him and it makes him feel like we have a secret relationship. I just feel like he's constructing this in his head. But then he said that when they met in person, the guy was kind of flirtatious. He put his arm around him and stuff like that. Okay, but he also said he does that with other people too. Yeah, I mean, like I do that with people. Like I'm a hug guy at a party, right? So like, you're a hugger. Maybe this guy is just super friendly and affectionate, and our friend here is reading what he wants into that behavior.

Or, who knows, maybe he has some really good gaitar, and there was some charged moment in the kitchen or something, and we don't know about it. And so he has a strong hunch that this guy is into him. I suppose that's possible. But I feel like he would have said that if that happened. Instead, he just has this, like, one arm around the shoulder, which he does with a lot of people thing. Right. And then he said that if they ever did get together, it would have to be on the deal. It would probably be short-lived, but thrilling.

But let's remember, he has very. little evidence of that. Oh, I would argue no real evidence. Yeah, pretty much none. So connecting these dots that probably don't exist, imagining a certain version of how this story plays out, that's part of the fantasy. And that's fine. Fantasies are often illogical, improbable, a little crazy. That's part of what makes them fantasies. That's also why they're private. But it's only fine if he's not confusing the fantasy with the reality of the situation. What I'm hearing is that he's kind of blending the two. And that's where I get a little bit worried for him. I'm not saying he's crazy or anything like that. I'm not even saying he's wrong for hoping that they could be something. But as he

decides what to do here, I think he has to be very clear and very careful about not letting the two mix too much. He needs to make sure his fantasy is not dictating his reality. Because for all he knows and what seems to be the likely scenario here, he's texting with a guy who has some other reason for catfishing him, a potentially quite alarming reason. And he might be. be blind to that because he's so caught up having fun enjoying this fantasy. Yeah, look, I totally agree. I also think we just, can we just remember how freaking weird it is that this guy is doing this in the first place?

Yeah. First of all, he's using his ex-girlfriend's photo to catfish someone in his own family. And apparently it's not his first time, according to his ex. That's worrisome. That's right. He's a serial catfisher, which just sort of seems mentally not all there to me. Yeah. Second, whether he's catfishing our friend here because he's actually into him but just can't come out and say that, whether he's doing it because he's trying to give his girlfriend's cousin grounds for divorce, whether he's planning on blackmailing this guy, whether he's just bored and he wants to mess with somebody, whatever it is, it's messed up. It's so weird to do this. There is something wrong with this guy. I don't know what he's up to, but it's not normal.

Seriously wrong. This is not, you know, odd but understandable behavior. This guy is just when you think about it, taking time out of his day to pose as his ex-girls. and send his girlfriend's cousin's husband flirty messages in a lot of them for some creepy, probably nefarious reason. I just don't want our friend here to lose sight of that. That is so freaking weird. Well, again, I think that's another way that the fantasy and the reality are blurring in a worrisome way. Or his desire to buy into the fantasy is making him vulnerable to the risks here. I mean, look, he came right out and said, this guy might in fact be trying to screw me over. So he's not completely unaware of that possibility. But I do think his judgment might be a little compromised to some degree by his excitement.

Agreed. So yes, you certainly have the option of coming clean and saying, hey, I know this is you. I'd like to explore this for real. You want to go on a date? But again, I would really think through all the ways that could play out. He could say yes. He could say no. Look, you're putting this in writing, which is not good.

And look, if he says yes, now you're what, low-key dating your wife's cousin's boyfriend or stealing him from her or causing him to cheat on her. If he says, no, family get-togethers might get super awkward. You're going to have to manage that, as well as any fallout from busting him. So, again, consider the implications in what outcomes you're comfortable living with. But look, as for your banger of a final question, literally, would asking him to explore things for real be taking advantage of him if he agrees to date you just to avoid being exposed,

which you also apparently find kind of hot? Unreal. That really depends on how you would. ask him. I mean, if you say, hey, I want you to come over and if you don't come over, I'm going to tell your girlfriend and her whole family what you did and I'm going to post screenshots of our messages. I'm going to tell everyone at Thanksgiving that I was exposing you. That's one thing. That would be, I mean, I think that's kind of extortion, right? Yeah, that's a crime too, as well as being unethical, despite how weird this dude is. But if you come clean and you say, look, I get the sense that you

might be enjoying this. I'm happy to tell you that I am too. If you're open to talking about this, if you want to tell me why you did it and what you're looking to get out of this. And that conversation goes well in some scenario and it naturally progresses to you guys basically saying, I'm into you, I'm into you. And do you want to date? Yeah, sure, let's do it. Obviously, that's a very different story. But again, Gabe, the fact that he feels it might be taking advantage of him because he has some power over this guy, which he finds hot, isn't that yet another example of the fantasy just taking over here? Yeah, I think it is. Unless what he's saying is, I might actually be willing to extort this guy in order to sleep with him, in which

the fantasy and the reality are somehow merging again. I'm so confused. Right, but I don't think that's what he's saying. No, I don't think that's what he's getting out either. The sense I get is that he's exploring aspects of his sexuality that are still kind of new for him. They're taboo. They're a little underground. They're not fully explored and this is his chance. Yeah, he's still married to his wife. It sounds like he's just now starting to realize that he might be bisexual. So that tells us a lot about where he is in his journey. So when he says, man, that would be hot. He might just be taking this opportunity to share a piece of the fantasy with us, to tell us where he is. Right, not to express like his intent for this. Yeah. Right. Right. But again, I'm sorry to repeat

myself. I cannot stress this enough. This is another area where you really need to separate out what turns you on from what is appropriate and responsible and prudent here. Because there's something about your personality or maybe just this situation. It sounds to me like it's very tempting for you to paint with both colors in this situation, so to speak. Yeah, it's a good way to put it. He's painting with two colors, maybe more. And I'm just not sure what painting he's making over here. Yeah. Well, and by the way, we're not talking about your orientation. We're talking about fantasy and reality here. Right, right, right. Neither, he doesn't know what painting he's making either. And that's fascinating about this and what's also kind of terrifying. In one way, I admire the brazenness and his

playfulness. And in another way, though, I'm wincing and I'm going, okay, this is fulfilling a certain function for you that is not entirely healthy and this is not going to end well. No. I thought you were wincing because you just got a vasectomy. Yeah, I'm also wincing at this choice. Because I've had my scrotum punctured by a doctor with very little anesthetic. So my strong advice to you is, by the way, you know you're awake when they do that? Like, I was chit-chatting with the doctor. No, dude.

I had no idea. I thought they put you under for that. Absolutely not. No, you can sort of like see most of what's going on, but you're at a weird angle. If you're eating lunch right now, I apologize. But yeah, no, you feel the polling and the sewing and the chatting. And then it feels like someone's fling. licking you really hard in the junk in the nuts.

What did you guys talk about? The podcast. Oh, cool. He's like, oh, I like podcasts. What do you guys talk about? I'm like, well, we're going to be talking about this vasectomy pretty soon, for sure. Usually not just that. Yeah.

Did you talk about feedback Friday, or did you talk about the interviews? A little bit of both. A little bit of both. And he's like, oh, that's interesting. You know, and he was in the military. Part of that was him being interested, I think. And part of that was the more I'm talking, the less I'm, you know, tensing up and being weird while he's trying to get something done.

Oh, he's just disarming you. Yeah, because there's a lot. Well, yes, he was disarming me. Indeed he was. That's the whole point of the surgery. Yeah, it's an interesting vibe because, you know, he's done like 10,000 of these things, right? You can just tell. I love that you're describing your vasectomy appointment as a vibe.

But go on. Yeah, driving home was also a vibe because you drive yourself home. Like they're basically just like, oh, yeah, take Tylenol and you're just thinking, I've taken Tylenol and I'm pretty sure that. That's not going to cut it. Does nothing. Yeah, I didn't fall off my skateboard when I was 12. I don't have a scraped knee, pal.

That's not what we're dealing with here. Anyway, you know who doesn't need a vasectomy? The guy. Yeah, this guy. If you find out you're gay, you don't need a vasectomy. So there's that. But anyway, back to the task at hand here. My strong advice to you is proceed with caution, stay grounded, stay sober,

really consider the risks and implications here. and whatever you're getting out of this game, whatever you're learning about yourself and your desires and your needs, that's for you to know and do something about, not necessarily to take to this guy to explore. Take care of yourself and good luck. Jordan, just imagine if these two do end up getting together.

What an origin story that would be. Tell me about it. I mean, one, you shouldn't feed this delusion, but two, yeah, how did you guys mean? Well, Lionel catfished me as his ex-girlfriend because he was in the closet too, and I thought it was super fun and hilarious and yada yada yada. Yeah, yada.

Yeah, Lionel almost blackmail me. But we grabbed lattes and we realized we're actually really into each other. What a tale. Also, Lionel's a great name. It is. It's such a catfisher name. It's a name you get from a scammer who has two first names. Like, hi, my name is Lionel, Jennifer.

I'm a banker for the Saddie Prince. Lionel Jennifer. Yeah. The worst scammer name I've ever heard. They always pick two first names. I'm not sure why. All I can say is if you decide to continue, you have to send us updates. because we need to know what happens

and we will air them. Yes, yes, indeed. And now for some extortionately good deals on the fine products and services that support this show, we'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Rosetta Stone. You know how every holiday season we're scrambling for meaningful gifts

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Thank you for listening to and supporting the show all the deals, discounts, and ways. to support the podcast are all searchable and clickable over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals, please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I have a foreign name, and I've noticed that it can sometimes be challenging in professional settings, especially when it comes to standing out or being memorable. It's also just annoying to have every small talk conversation revolve around the pronunciation of my name, and if I don't meet people face-to-face, they often misgeny. me. I'm curious to hear your thoughts on how someone with a name that's unfamiliar or difficult to

pronounce can successfully build a strong personal brand. I don't mind having a nickname, but I do want to let people know that I'm from Lithuania. Are there any strategies or tips you recommend to overcome potential obstacles while still maintaining authenticity? Signed, avoiding these sighs and hanging on to my pride without a pronunciation guide. Interesting. It's funny, I had a buddy from Lithuania. His name was something like Mindalgus. Mendoagas? Yeah, but his middle name sounded like Marcus, so we just called him Marcus. Or maybe that's the nickname that he picked, because he was like,

ah, no one can remember to call me Mendeogus. So I get it. Marcus, Jennifer. Mindalcus, Jennifer. So I get this. I've dealt with this myself in some ways. When I lived in Serbia, people used to call me Jolie because they couldn't say Jordan easily because of the way the consonants were.

Jolet? Jolet. Yeah. It's kind of like Johnson. Is it like Dick? Mm-hmm. So girls would giggle when they heard it. Like Johnson, Johnson.

Yes. So they were just like going around calling you, like, like weir? Yeah, yeah. Hopefully it wasn't quite that lame, but it might be. I don't know. If you're Serbian, tell me what Jolie evokes for you. So I totally get that it's something they would also call me Johnny, just because it was funnier,

and I think some guys didn't want to say Jolet all the time. So I totally get that having a foreign name can be really challenging in another country, some more than others, of course. And yes, it must be annoying to have to constantly explain to people how to pronounce your name or tell them, actually I'm a woman or actually I'm a guy over and over again. I also think that having a foreign name can be really cool and help you stand out, which is obviously a big part of personal branding, even if it means going around being called Dong, or, you know, I kid, but you know what I'm saying. So my take is, if you're going to adopt a local name,

something easier for people to wrap their heads around, try to find one that's somewhat cool and unique and meaningful to you. A lot of Chinese people, they come to the United States and they do this, but I've noticed this, especially with kids, that they'll pick names like Cherry, you know, it's a little bit like, okay, it's a cartoon character kind of name or a stripper kind of name. I also wouldn't go with, you know, Meg. I mean, you're welcome to, and no shade to Megs,

but there are a lot of Megs in the U.S. There's way fewer violets, also a popular name with Chinese people who come over. So I'm just plucking a random example out of the air here. If you happen to like the color violet or you're into flowers or whatever, that would be more meaningful

than just going with a generic local name. Your other option is to find a nickname or variant on your real name. That way, you're still getting to hang on to your real name. You're just making it a little easier for people to pronounce. Like, if our name is Svetlana, you just go by Lana, that kind of thing. Not that Svetlana is hard to pronounce, but you get the point. But look, there's a big part of me that wants to say, own your name, be proud of it,

let other people adjust. Like you said, you always want to lead with authenticity here. So if a name change feels super false, I'd just consider hanging onto your real one, or waiting until you find a local one that feels right. There's no rush. I just don't think it's the worst thing for local people to learn a name in another language. We Americans, I'm assuming you're here in the States, we can adjust sometimes too. Here's another idea.

When you introduce yourself, maybe you get out in front of all the questions you're used to getting. Hey, I'm Beiruta. I just met a Biruta from Latvia, so that's top of my mind right now. I'm Biruta, like Beirut, like the city, except with beer, like the drink. I know it's unique. It'll take a couple times for you to remember me. Thanks, Mom and Dad. You know, just have a laugh about it, call it out.

give the person a couple nymonyx to remember it. And when you do stuff like that, you'll also be showing people that you have a sense of humor, and that stands out even more. And they'll remember the Beirut beer thing. They'll remember your attitude, which again, doesn't hurt from a branding perspective. Another thing I've seen people from other countries do, you could add something to your email signature or your social media accounts. Birruta, originally from Lithuania, global approach, or whatever. You can even include a pronunciation guide if you want. They have this, I don't know if they still have this, because I haven't logged into Facebook in like a decade. But on Facebook, it used to show you how to pronounce people's names.

So it'd be like Beiruta, just a small thing that can help prevent any hiccups and sidestep that annoying conversation. But look, whatever you decide to do, don't be afraid to own your story. It's unique. It's interesting. It's damn impressive moving to another country has no small feed. I've done it a bunch. It's never easy.

You should be proud of that. And if you stick with your real name, it might be a cool window into that conversation. Like if you say, hey, I'm Beruta and the other person is like, B, what? You can be like, Beiruta. It's Lithuanian. Crazy name. I know. It's made moving here way more interesting.

And then eight out of ten people are going to go, oh, cool, how long have you been here? Wow, I've never met anyone from Lithuania. And all of a sudden, you're talking about your story, not just how to pronounce your name that they're going to forget 10 seconds later. But listen, more than whatever name you settle on, the most important thing in your relationships, in your personal brand, is of course you, how you show up in these conversations. What vibe you put out, what spirit you meet people in, your kindness, your curiosity, your humor, your vulnerability, your work ethic. Those things matter way more. And if you keep leading with those qualities, I promise you are going to make a name for yourself literally, okay? And good luck. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line

that makes our job a whole lot easier. If your partner secretly reads your journal and is holding the contents against you, you're struggling to parent with a criminal narcissistic, or your work nemesis is caught up in a romance scam and you're not sure whether to saver, whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, our newsletter, We Bit Wiser, comes out every Wednesday. It's basically a bite-sized gem from us to you delivered to your inbox. It's like a two-minute read. That's kind of what we're shooting for. So if you want to keep up with the wisdom from our thousand plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to

come check it out. You can sign up at Jordan Harbinger.com slash news. Okay, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my 23-year-old son was commissioned an officer in the military last year following grueling undergraduate academics and ROTC at a top-tier school. He's currently in very academically stressful military training with constant 12-plus-hour days of varying shifts and regular testing before he goes into the force to do the job. I recently visited him, and while cleaning his room, he still lives like a teenage boy, I found some erectile dysfunction medication.

I asked him about it, and he initially denied that he had any issues and said that it helped him in his workouts. He's a gym rat, lifts daily, and has become very fit over the last three years, although he still vapes regularly. But I pressed him, and he admitted that he has performance issues, but he's, quote, okay by himself, unquote. Wait, okay, by himself. Does that mean okay being single,

or does that mean he can handle it when he's enjoying me time and nothing goes wrong? Or I don't get it. From the way he wrote that sentence, I think he meant the latter. I see. Got it. So there's something going on when he has a partner, which I'm guessing this means it's psychological. You hear a lot about the younger generation needing this because they watch too much freaking porn. Yeah.

Well, I guess that's we don't know. Physical, psychological, both. Yeah. I do not believe he has regular sex. He might have only been with two or three partners since his sophomore year in high school. I asked if he had talked to. anyone about this issue. He said, I'm just really stressed. Grind my teeth at night so much. My jaw hurts in the morning, don't sleep well, and have more important things to worry about. Besides,

no wonder I have issues with you and mom harping on about don't get anyone pregnant. Interesting. Okay, so stress can definitely, of course, play a role in erectile dysfunction. And it sounds like this guy has a lot of stress in his life right now, especially with the teeth grinding and stuff like that. If your jaw hurts in the morning, you're really, you're going after it. I have to imagine the vaping does not help. But he's saying something else here. He's saying his parents have given him some kind of complex, right, by warning him about getting somebody pregnant. Look, whether that's true or not, that does seem like a meaningful detail. Let's come back to that. Oh, by the way, he hates the training, as do many of his peers, and did not pick this military specialty. Yeah. He was drafted into it

based on his good grades and caliber of school he attended, like a few of his peers in the specialty. I don't want him to have the empty sex that I had through my 20s and early 30s, but, But I do want him to be happy, healthy, and strong, and not have ED. It brings me to tears knowing that he's so dissatisfied. I'm so proud of I was pushing through and succeeding at this training, but I don't want his mental or physical health to suffer as a result of his professional successes. Could this ED be temporary? How can I help him with any of this?

Signed, wondering about the feasibility of confronting my son's debility when it comes to his virility. Okay. Well, a lot of firsts on today's episode. I'm pretty sure we've never had a parent writing it about their child's erectile dysfunction before. Yeah, we're going to need a third bottle of champagne over here, I think. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So first of all, I can hear how much you love your son. I can hear how proud you are of him and how concerned you are about him in a number of ways. I think it's sweet that you want what's best for your son. You want him to have the healthiest life possible, the most fulfilling

life possible. I get it. I'm sure if I found out my son was struggling in this area, I'd be worried, too. but I am not sure this is an area of your son's life that you should be super involved in, especially if he's not coming up to you and saying, hey, dad, I'm struggling with this, I need a little bit of help. Again, I get your concern. I get why you want your son to thrive. But we're talking about your son's sex life. You know, we're talking about his body at his age.

I kind of think this is his problem to work on in the way that he wants. He's 23. I don't feel like it's appropriate for you to be trying to make sure your son can get it up. A sentence I never thought I would say out loud, but here we are. Well, quite. And this is a bit of a theme in this letter. How involved and possibly over-involved he is in his son's life. Well, yeah, I picked up on that as well. It was interesting. The first thing that jumped out of me was that he discovered the ED medication while cleaning his son's room, his 23-year-old son's room, who's about to become an elite officer in the military. So I get it. There are always our babies, and I was probably a slob at 23. But that is a bit odd. I agree. I don't know.

Maybe he went to visit the Academy for a parents weekend or whatever and saw that his room was a mess. And he was like, here, I'll help you as long as I'm here. I'm sure my mom probably did that a few times when I was in my early 20s. I could see that. My roommate's mom definitely did. She cleaned her room. It was, but he was, well, never mind. Okay.

So fair. I guess that's possible. But when he said he still lives like a teenage boy, that's another interesting detail. It makes me wonder if the son is extremely capable, hyperdeveloped in certain departments. And in other departments, he might be a little immature or regressed in certain ways. And dad is still in the mode of, I need to help you do basic things like clean your room. you can function. And I guess my question is, does that speak to a broader dynamic between them? Right. And if he's overly involved in his son's life in small ways, is he also overly involved

in his son's life in the big ways, like talking about its erectile dysfunction. Yes. The other meaningful detail is the thing you reacted to, how his son said, no wonder I have issues, you know, when you and mom are always like banging on about don't get, sorry for the choice of words, harping on about don't get anyone pregnant. Right. That one might be different, though. That doesn't sound like being overly involved to me. I mean, I think every parent should probably warn their kids about having safe sex. Yeah, I agree. But what he's saying is there's something about the way you did it that kind of messed me up. You didn't just educate me. You freaked me out about it. He said the word harped. I mean, the word harped kind of speaks volumes to me. Right, right. Because if they were

harping on about this, that might have tipped over into something else. Some kind of anxiety, something obsessive, who knows? Something potentially inappropriate and overly involved, it's possible. I guess I could see that. But to be fair to our friend here, his son is saying that that's what's causing his erectile dysfunction, or at least contributing to it. But, I mean, we don't know if that's actually the reason. And that's also a fair point. I mean, for all we know, mom and dad were just guiding him and they stayed within the lines. But the fact that his son said that to him in a heated way, I don't know about you, Jordan, but I'm hearing a young man who feels a bit stifled, a bit angry, you know, whether this particular conversation about safe sex was handled well or not.

That's true. It's also possible that he was embarrassed that his dad found the pills and he was just deflecting by blaming his parents for screwing him up somehow. Yeah, also possible. Or it's both. We just don't know. But then our friend here also seems to know a lot about his son's sex life. He doesn't think that he's having regular sex.

He seems to know how many partners his son has had. He straight up asked his son if he has performance issues. And then when his son didn't really want to talk about it, he said he pressed the issue. All of that is pretty intimate information for a parent to know. So I guess here's what I'm getting at. And I tread lightly here because I know in certain families with certain parents, maybe sons and fathers talk about this stuff and these topics are totally fair game and there's nothing weird about it.

So I'm not saying that this is automatically pathological. But his son does not seem to want to talk about this stuff. And yet, here they are talking in intimate detail about it. So that kind of fits with a dad who might be probing too much. And meanwhile, there's so many puns that I'm just so glad we're not making. And meanwhile, there are other details here like the vaping that he doesn't. doesn't seem to be. Yes.

No, but that's an important point, because that's a big factor here. If I were this guy's dad, I'd be equally, if not more, concerned about my son getting freaking popcorn lung and shortening his lifespan, then the fact that he sometimes can't get it up. Partly because the vaping is less sensitive and partly because, well, I also wonder if the vaping might be contributing to his erectile dysfunction, although I don't know if that's actually a thing. I know smoking definitely was.

So it's funny, I look this up, and apparently that is a thing. Well, there you go. There's more and more research coming out about this. I highly recommend Googling it, by the way, but one study I found, it was just one of many, a UCLA study, found that men who used e-cigarettes every day were more than twice as likely to experience ED as those who had never vaped. There's a real connection there. So, I mean, that could be the problem, or at least part of the problem. I guess we haven't ruled out any neurosis he has because his parents freaked him out about getting girls pregnant or whatever.

You know, there's one more thing in here that's jumping out of me. This thing he said about how his son hates the training he's doing and how he didn't pick this specialty and he was drafted into it based on his grades and the school he attended. So again, I'm reading between the lines here, as I am wont to do, but I'm just imagining what a 23-year-old man in this position must be feeling. He hates his training, which, okay, we all go through tough chapters on our way to doing the thing we really want to do. I get that. I don't think anyone in the military is like over the moon about their training. But the fact that he didn't pick his specialty, the fact that he was sort of pulled into it by default, that he might not have truly chosen this path, that he might even be regret.

or at least questioning it, I can imagine that that would bring up a number of feelings. So his son might be feeling anxious. He might be feeling terrified. He might be angry. And I don't know at whom, maybe his school or the military or himself or his parents or maybe everyone, for not helping him see this before it happened. He might be having a minor or not so minor professional crisis or he's just really going through it right now.

And he might be feeling trapped and disempowered. Good point. And so you're saying maybe that's why he has performed. performance issues? Well, that might be contributing to them, yes. But actually, I was drawing more of a potential connection between this feeling of being suffocated and disempowered in his career and this potential feeling of being suffocated and disempowered by his parents' over-involvement in his life. I guess what I'm wondering is, is this a theme that is popping up in a few areas for him? Ah, interesting. So is that at the root of his performance issues? It's a good question.

Either way, I think it's pretty clear that their son is kind of chafing at a number of influences and situations in his life right now. Again, sorry for all these. It's almost like it's top of mind. I feel like everything is a pun for something to do with my scrotum today. Yeah. I saw your face when you said, I was like, does he know? Does he know what he's doing?

But no, I'm with you. I got you. I mean, look, it's interesting. Something as minor as not cleaning your room, there could be a number of explanations for that. I mean, yeah, one of them might be that he's just kind of a mess and he's not super on top of his. little space or whatever, but it could also be that it's a form of rebellion, a kind of unconscious

FU, I want to do things my way. You know, I might be living in a mess, but it's on my terms kind of thing. So everything dad is noticing here, and I think it's really interesting that he chose to include these details about how his son feels about his career, when they seem sort of tangential to the whole ED thing, but I'm not sure that they are tangential. All of this is probably a strong signal that they need to back off and let their son figure this out in his own way, at least for now, not just because it's the appropriate thing to do, but because I do get the sense that this guy is craving some privacy and some freedom to make his own choices and work through his own problems. Yeah, I'm with you, Gabe. That makes a lot of sense, although I suppose backing off also kind of

means accepting that they might not understand everything about their son all the time. Yes, but that might be healthy for all of them, I think. So here's my take. I probably wouldn't meddle in your son's sex life too much from here on What you can do is say, hey, look, bud, you're an adult, you're a capable, responsible young man, I'm going to respect your privacy on this. And if you ever want to talk about anything, guy to guy, I'm here for that. You know, I've had the same equipment for a lot longer than you have. And in the meantime, I just want to say, as somebody who loves you, vaping is truly awful for you. I'm sure you know that if you don't, please spend 10 minutes reading up on it online. I sincerely

hope you quit as soon as possible. I think you'll find that it has ripple effects across your life. all I want for you is to be happy and healthy and fulfilled, and if I can do anything to help you get there, you know that I'm here. That's how you can respect his privacy and autonomy while still being there for him, and without inadvertently contributing to any additional stress or dysfunction. The other thing you can do, of course,

is encourage him to talk to somebody. The military really should offer some type of counseling, probably free of charge. Just keep an eye on that healthy boundary when you do so that pushing him into therapy doesn't become another way to potentially overstep and meddle in his life. And again, I know you're coming from a good place here, man. I know. I know you want your son to thrive. Every parent would. But sometimes the best thing we can do as parents, especially if a

child your son's age, is take a huge step back so that they can take that huge step forward, especially in sensitive areas like this. Sending you and your son good thoughts and hope everything starts looking up from here. You had to do it. You had to. It just seemed better than sending you good thoughts. And I hope your son has rock-hard boners from here on out. Now we're giving this guy a complex, geez. That's right. And now you're going to get a rock-hard boner when you hear about the deals and discounts

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Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're happy to surface those codes for you. It is that important that you support those who support the show. All right. Back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Greetings Jordan and Gabe.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who I just bought a house with. We're finally living the life we hoped for, close to activities, good food, and good friends. The only hitch is my girlfriend's brother and their mother. Her brother has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and it's really weighing on her family. He just turned 17, so it's a delicate time for him. He doesn't see his dad a lot anymore due to his drinking and smoking,

which make him uncomfortable. But that doesn't stop his dad from lying to him about his mom. They've been divorced for some time now, but his dad has told him how his mom locked him up, starved him, and ignored him throughout his childhood. Wow. Okay, that is dark. This has made my girlfriend's brother callous and even hateful toward their mom. He brushes her off, curses at her, and gives her an air of disdain all the time. So their mom tries to make up for it by buying him everything he asks for,

thinking it will somehow make things better. she somehow accepted that she was a terrible mother, which is not true, as I've seen her affection in action. But it's like money is the only thing she knows to turn to now. Yeah, interesting. So again, we don't know if she's doing this to win him back over or because she really did abuse him when he was a kid? Unclear. He's saying he doesn't think that the mom did any of this because what he's seen is that she's lovely. But I guess it's possible that she is. But then the dad is not a reliable narrator. So we don't know. So he goes on, I've also noticed both my girlfriend and her mom constantly

praise the brother for every little thing he does right, which honestly irks me. He isn't feeling normal, so wouldn't he just want to be treated normal? The only other person who seems to notice what's going on is my girlfriend's unofficial stepdad. He's made comments about the money he spends on my girlfriend's brother, but it never amounts to anything. I try to offer my girlfriend advice on what to do, but she always just ends on, it's a delicate time for him, and I don't know what else to do. Their dad was abusive to her in the past, so I can understand what. she's struggling. She just wants the best for her brother. Okay, so dad was abusive, at least to her. Apparently. But dad is telling brother that mom abused him, which might or might not be true.

Right, although there's no evidence of that in the letter, other than the mom's belief now that she was actually a bad mom. This family, yeah, poor kids. So confusing. Yeah. I don't know how much longer I can stand by and watch this. It hurts to see, as her brother's behavior and mistreatment are affecting everyone in the family. How do you recommend I go about trying to mend these slowly deteriorating relationships? Is it my place to talk to my girlfriend's brother? What should I do? Signed, fed up with the vibe in my girlfriend's tribe. Oh boy.

What a sad situation. There is a lot of pain in this story in a lot of directions, and I'm sure that most of these people mean well. But there's a lot of dysfunction in this family, man. So first of all, my heart goes out to your girlfriend's brother. Wrestling with bipolar disorder on top of a potential history of childhood abuse, that is not easy. You said that he was recently diagnosed, and I hope that means he's being treated for it,

medication therapy, ideally both. Bipolar disorder, when it's properly treated, it doesn't have to derail someone's life. But untreated, it can obviously cause a lot of turbulence and a lot of pain for the person who has it, of course, but often also for family members, friends, loved ones, it's really tough. My heart also goes out to you, though, because this is all just really hard to watch. I hear your genuine concern in your letter. I also hear your anger, your disappointment, your frustration, your impatience.

I'm getting the sense that you feel a responsibility to intervene and make things better here, but you also feel kind of helpless. And I'm guessing that helplessness just makes you angrier because it's like, why can't you people get it together? Why can't you treat one another better? Why can't you work through these wounds and grievances in a normal way? And I get that. I get that too.

Another thing that's in the mix here is his feelings about how the mother showers praise on our son for every little thing he does, right? I find that very interesting. Yeah, that's right. He said it irks him. It irks him, although it sounds like it might be a little bit more than irks him because he said he isn't feeling normal. So wouldn't he just want to be treated normal?

Like, he sounds kind of angry. Which I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that. Is he saying if he's mentally ill, treating him like he's different is not what he needs? That seems to be his argument. Like, why make him feel even more different and weirder by going out of your way to praise him every time he takes the car to the car wash or whatever, you know? But I don't know. I feel like there might be more to that. I wonder if watching this family bend over backward to

accommodate this guy, to prop him up, to validate him, to make life easier for him, it seems to me that there's something about that that just does not sit very well with him. So obviously, we don't have enough information in the letter to know why that is. But I don't know, am I crazy or is that jumping out to you too? Like, I feel like this is just like poking at him in a certain way. Maybe there's something in his own upbringing, maybe. Maybe nobody accommodated him like that. And it's hard to watch it happen for somebody else, especially somebody who's causing so much havoc in his life via his girlfriend. But for some reason, I feel like he might also be, I don't know, I guess I'm wondering if he's kind of envious of this guy on some level. Yeah, I could see that. What he's in touch

with is his disdain and his anger, but underneath that he might be going, why does he get that treatment slash why didn't I get that treatment? Yeah, exactly. It's just something for a friend here to consider, because I think part of what we're feeling our way through here is why does watching this family's pain hurt me so much. And separating out these feelings might make this situation hurt a little bit less. I think it would also help him figure out what piece of this he does control. Right. So obviously, this family has a lot of work to do.

But here's the thing. I'm just not convinced that it's our friend here's job to make them do that work. No. Okay, so you agree. Yeah, I feel the same. I get the impulse, what could be more natural, but almost every aspect of this problem is this family's business and just not his business. Except his relationship with his girlfriend.

Except his relationship with her. That's right. But look, I get why that gets confusing, because I'm assuming that dad tells brother all this awful stuff about mom, brother then rages at her, mom goes out of her way to keep him in good graces, one or both of them talk to sister about what's going on or she witnesses it to herself. And then she brings all that to our friend here. And when our friend tries to help, she just says, what does she say? Like, oh, it's a delicate time for him. I don't know what else to do. I mean, it sounds like, Gabe, this is that classic thing where you got to know when someone's venting to you and when someone's asking for help, and those are two different things. Like maybe she's venting to you and not wanting your solutions.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need some help, some solutions. That's for sure true, of course. But what she is saying to him back, it's a delicate time for him. I don't know what's to do. That's a little bit of a non-response. Or it's an admission that she really cannot change any of this herself. Right. Plus, her dad was apparently abusive to her, so she has her own trauma, her own stake in all this.

So I get why our friend here is going, okay, if you people won't do anything about this, what can I do? But really, the only pieces of this that he can and should control are, A, his own way of processing the feelings that this family stirs up in him, and B, how he talks to his girlfriend about what's happening, how he supports her, how he guides and empowers her to work on her piece of all of this. Or increasingly, I'm feeling like it's also to make peace with the fact that she can't do that and learn how to pull back. Exactly. And C, which is, I think, the conclusion you're getting at, Gabe, learning to draw better boundaries so that this family's chaos just doesn't infect his life so much. And those boundaries are potentially with his girlfriend, if she's bringing too much to him or involving him in an unfair way. But they might also be inside of himself in the way that he internalizes this family's dysfunction somehow or decides that it's on him to fix when it's not. Yes, I think that's absolutely

right. And that's where that possible MVP's and how this family's way of dealing with its problems in general uniquely triggers him, I think that's where that becomes really important again, in my opinion, because look, there's what's actually playing out in this family, right? There are these fights and these accusations and this abuse and who abused whom and who's responsible for the pain, and there's a mood disorder in the mix, and there are all these family dynamics. And all of this is objectively tragic and painful. But then there's also the lens through which our friend here sees all of that and goes, this is really tough to watch. And I don't know how much longer I can stand by and watch this without doing something about it. Right. And even if we don't know exactly how that

lens developed, that stuff is clearly there. He's bringing in his own thoughts, feelings, experiences, beliefs to this situation as well. Part of his work is to explore those thoughts and feelings and beliefs so he can know what to do here. For example, he might have an unconscious need to resolve the wounds in this family because, I don't know, they echo certain ones in his own family or because it just feels gratifying to him to play that role, but that doesn't mean he should. Or there's another possibility to go back once again to that MVP's. It might be so distressing to him to watch a mother figure cater to her son in this way that he has the impulse to intervene and tell her to stop. You know, not necessarily because she should, but because it's kind of offensive and uncomfortable to

him. Or I don't know, he might want to intervene because it's distressing to him to watch his girlfriend suffer and not know how to do her own work around this. I'm grasping at a few theories here, it's up to you to decide if these actually fit, but you see what I'm getting on. I do. Until he appreciates what he's bringing to all this, he might march into a situation that isn't entirely his to resolve. Or he might get in there and get confused, but all that said, it might be acceptable for you to talk to your girlfriend's brother. Especially if you guys have a relationship of your own, I would just be very thoughtful about what your agenda is there, what you're hoping to accomplish, why you want to talk to him. If you're hoping to tell him to forgive his mom or

stay away from his dad or bring less to your girlfriend or start taking more responsibility for his life or whatever it is. Even if some of those are good ideas, I would definitely, I would just resist that urge. I think your best bet to start and also the respectful and healthy thing to do is to just invite your girlfriend's brother to talk about how he's feeling these days. What he's struggling with, what he thinks the answers are, what he needs from you right now, and just go from there. If he lets you in, if he seems stable, if he seems receptive, then maybe you can slowly start to offer some thoughts on how to repair things with his family, how to take better care of himself, how to ease some of this chaos and pain that he's creating.

If he doesn't want to engage with you, though, then just I would back off. And even if he is receptive, he's still going to have to repair things himself. So none of this changes the fact that ultimately this is not your family, this is not your brother, and this is going to be a hard system for you alone to heal. Agreed. So we're back to those boundaries again, that timeless principle of this is mine, this is theirs, and let me make sure I'm not all up in someone else's business. I am sorry that you and your girlfriend are going through this. I really am. I understand why all of this is so maddening and disturbing, especially when this family

doesn't have the tools to work through things seemingly. If you can offer them some of those tools appropriately, then that's great. But one tool you might be looking for is knowing when to get involved in other people's work and how much and why. Sending you good thoughts and good luck. All right, recommendation of the week. I am addicted to lit filler. My recommendation of the week is an acupressure mat. So if you've never heard of these things, it's basically like a mat and a pillow with these

sharp, spiky things on them, and they dig into your skin, and it hurts like hell for a minute or two, and then it feels amazing. My friend Ietai lent me his. It changed my life. Really? Yeah, it's awesome. It's a really nice way to end a work day, to end a work when you get home from a workout. Sometimes I lie on it after a day of writing, and I'll just do it for 10 minutes. And it's just like you wake up, you stand up and you're refreshed and you feel great and kind of alert. It's really cool. It can also be a replacement for naps if you get tired in the afternoon. Just lie on this thing for five or 10 minutes and it'll just kind of like bring you back to life. I read up on it and they are proven to relieve stress, pain, anxiety. Some people say they improve sleep. I haven't noticed that benefit myself, but there's definitely something going on with like increasing your energy levels. I think it triggers the release of endorphins and it somehow influences your sympathetic, parasympathetic nervous system activity somehow. But yeah, give it a go for yourself and see not everybody loves them. It's kind of uncomfortable. You have to get used to it. But I am such a convert. I love this thing. The one I have is called

the pranomat Eco, which is one of the higher end ones. But I'm also going to link to two other models. there's a mid-range one, and then there's like a very affordable one. I haven't tried those other ones myself, but I wanted to give you guys a few options, just in case you want to give one to try and see if you like it before you invest in a really nice one. But this thing is an amazing addition to the home. It's also a great gift for people, so hope you enjoy it. Huh.

Yeah, it sounds like a bed of nails. It basically is. But expensive. It's like these little plastic spikes. Yeah. And they dig into your skin and then you, for like an hour afterwards, you have little marks on your skin and then they go away. Huh.

But once you settle in and you've just let it like, dig into your scalp. It's like getting a massage without having to do anything. That's interesting. I feel like I've seen these, but I just never really got it. All right, y'all, in case you didn't know, there's a subreddit for our show. If you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, if there was an episode you really liked, an episode you really didn't like, you want to complain about your pranomet, acupressure thing poking holes in you, and you want Gabe to see it. You can go to the subreddit. Reddit.com slash r slash Jordan Harbinger. It's just the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. It's a lot of fun. There's a lot. There's a meme thread,

which is hilarious. All right, next step. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I have two teenage children. One is a freshman in college, the other is a junior in high school. My wife and I have set aside funds to pay for hopefully all of their college expenses. This includes tuition, room and board, books, food, etc. But now I'm wondering what happens if one of them goes to an inexpensive college and the other goes to an expensive one. Is it fair to the one who goes to the less expensive college if more of the funds help the other child? I think I would feel bad if three quarters of the funds were used to help the child go to the expensive college, while the other child only uses a quarter of the funds, even if they would both be getting their college expenses covered. The one who's already in college

is in a relatively inexpensive one. If my other child has the choice between an inexpensive college and an expensive one, should we ask them to factor this in? How would you guys handle this? Signed evening out the scales as my children set sale. So first off, well done on planning ahead for your kids' education. That is awesome. And it says a lot about how much thought and care you're putting into their futures. I also commend you for getting out ahead of this and wrestling with this question now rather than letting it become a source of resentment or conflict later on down the line. So it's interesting. I could look at this two different ways. One way to look at this is the breakdown of the college fund doesn't matter as much as the experience your kids are getting, how you're supporting them in a way that uniquely helps them thrive. So for example, if one kid goes to Dartmouth or whatever, some famously expensive school, and the other kid goes to a state school generally way cheaper, but those are the schools they wanted to go to. Those are the schools that reflect their abilities and goals in life, and they're equally invested in each other's success, which I would hope they are, then you could set the tone for this decision like, hey, the college

fund is one big pool for both of you. I want you to go to the school you want to go to the most, the one that's going to set you up best for the things you want to do in life. And if one of the schools is more expensive than the other, then let's all agree that that's how it played out. We're not going to fight over who got more. I'm inviting us all to be grateful that we have the funds to pay for two educations, whatever they cost, which is a gift. I'm not saying that that's going to guarantee there won't be some resentment down the line, but it would set a tone and certain values around this college fund that should help.

The other way to look at this is the way that you're laying out, which is that the breakdown does matter, and it is unfair for one child to use, I don't know, 75% of the college fund and the other one only uses 25%. Although I would still hope that your kids are more grateful to be able to afford college in the first place than they are determined to split it exactly 50-50. So here's an idea. What if instead of thinking about this as a college fund, you thought of it as an education fund? And then it's up to your kids to decide how they want to use their half of it.

If one child uses their full 50% on college, great. If they end up using less than their share on tuition and they have some left over, maybe they can use it for something else. grad school, career coaching, job training, traveling therapy, whatever you guys deem educational. Or they save it, they invest it, that money's theirs. And then all this would be totally fair. And you'd be giving your kids even more agency in all of this. I like that. It would also be inviting them to think about how they want to invest in themselves, which is always a good idea.

Exactly, which I'm personally a big fan of. And I realize that it might be a little late to introduce these rules now that one of your kids is already in college, but I don't know, maybe it's still fair game. It is your money. My only other thought is when you talk to your kids about this, make it a conversation. Invite them to offer their two cents. Encourage them to tell you how they think about this money, maybe even ask your kids, hey, if one of you ends up going to a more expensive school or a less expensive school, how would you feel about that? Would you feel cheated or would you be supportive? And then talk about it openly. The more you put on the table now, the better. That's another way to avoid any hard feelings down the line. And if they're like,

actually, yeah, I would feel kind of cheated. Then you can either encourage them to focus on the value of the education they're getting, which, by the way, includes what they do with that education, not just how much it costs. Or you can say, all right, I hear that. So how would you feel about this education fund idea where you split it 50-50 and you get to decide how you want to allocate it? And then you guys can talk about that. Ultimately, yeah, I'm not sure there's one right answer here. I think your kids values, personalities, goals, worldviews, those matter a lot. But personally, I'm a fan of the education fund idea because it's both fair on a dollars and cents level. and it empowers your children even more.

As long as you approach this conversation with fairness, curiosity, gratitude, love, they'll feel that. They'll follow your lead. And I think that they'll appreciate this massive gift that you're giving them. And good luck. Go back and check out our Gene Simmons interview

and our Skeptical Sunday on Troubled Teens if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people that I know, like, and trust. And I am teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself. It's our six-minute networking course. It is 100% free.

I don't need your credit card, nothing like that. It's not gross. It is not schmoozy. You can find it on the Thinkific platform at 6 Minute Networking.com. It really just takes a few minutes a day. One of the things, it's funny, I always had answered these messages

and people are like, I wish I'd started this earlier. Yeah, dig the well before you get thirsty, build relationships before you need them. There's really no replacement for that. You can find it at 6 Minute networking.com. Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers, deals, discounts,

ways to support the show, all at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with us on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created an association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace, Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own and I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love.

And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. Discover how withholding bathroom breaks can be a strategic negotiation tactic, why everyone should try entrepreneurship at least once, and when it's acceptable to burn bridges. I left Marvel, remember the straw that broke the camel's back. We started Image Comic Book. I had to create my own character, my own comic book.

I pulled out this character called Spawn. Somebody I created when I was a kid when I was 16. Spawn comes out, ends up setting a record for the most sales. ever by a creator that is non-corporate. And I've never drawn a page for Marvel or DC since. I think there are thousands that are way, way, way, way better than me. I don't say that humbly. I'd say that as a fact.

But there's another piece to it. Then there's the hustle. And I am relentless on that part. What I'm not ever trying to do is slay the giant. I'm never going to do it. I'm not big enough. I don't have enough resources to do it. That's not the goal.

The goal is to survive amongst the giants and to thrive amongst the giants. And then you get to ask sort of the ironic question, why can't the giant kill me? They've got nothing but time and effort and money and resources, and they can't squash me. And then in the toy business, I've got a toy business. I go up against the Hasbrozen Mattels of the world, and those are Fortune 500 companies.

I literally am at war against giants every day in my life. I either accept what's in front of me or I go and change it. If you're successful at art, then the byproduct of that is cash. Cash to me should be sort of the last thing in the equation. Dive deeper into these intriguing topics and more in episode 999 of the Jordan Harbinger Show with Todd McFarlane. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting.

So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.