The Jordan Harbinger Show - 1291: Should Self-Harm Scars Be Shareable Memoirs? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

You've healed from self-harm and own your story. But curious kids keep asking about your scars. How honest should you be? Welcome to Feedback Friday!And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in!Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1291On This Week's Feedback Friday:A shoutout to Adam Aleksic, The Etymology Nerd — and his take on social media comments sections!Five years ago, you were in the grip of an eating disorder and self-harm — but you did the hard work, went to therapy, and came out the other side stronger than ever. Now, you're navigating a new challenge: visible scars on your arms that curious strangers — and especially kids — can't help but notice. How do you honor your story and your healing without oversharing with a child who may not be ready to hear it? [Thanks to clinical psychologist Dr. Erin Margolis for helping us with this one!]You're planning a destination wedding in the Dominican Republic, and you invited a friend more out of obligation than genuine enthusiasm — someone connected to your fiancé's family who's been radiating negativity about the whole thing ever since. Now you're wondering if this professional grievance collector is going to rain on your big weekend. How do you handle a guest who acts like she's doing you a favor by showing up?You're one half of a high-performing creative duo at a big firm, and the work is genuinely great — when your partner, "Tom," isn't detonating at every round of notes from above. Tom can't take feedback without spiraling into a rant, you've become the emotional buffer between him and management, and everyone's leaning on you to hold it together. How do you stop being the unpaid therapist for both sides of this drama — without blowing up the Dream Team?Recommendation of the Week: RayBan Meta GlassesGabe's sister just had her first baby — but the delivery took a dramatic turn, leaving the whole family bracing through a nerve-wracking series of complications. Now that everyone's home and healthy, Gabe has some big feelings about new life, mortality, and what it really means to become an uncle. What did this rollercoaster of a birth week teach him about courage, gratitude, and the terrifying beauty of parenthood?Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]!Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi.And if you're still game to support us, please leave a review here — even one sentence helps! Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!Subscribe to our once-a-week Wee Bit Wiser newsletter today and start filling your Wednesdays with wisdom!Do you even Reddit, bro? Join us at r/JordanHarbinger!This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors: Chime: Open an account in two minutes: chime.com/jhsDeleteMe: 20% off: joindeleteme.com/jordan, code JORDANMint Mobile: Shop plans at mintmobile.com/jhsThe Disorder: Listen here or wherever you find fine podcasts!The President's Daily Brief: Listen here or wherever you find fine podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, The Dark Matter helping me hold this galaxy of life drama together, preventing this advice cosmos from flying apart, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills to the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from rocket scientists to four-star generals, arms dealers, drug traffickers, former jihadis. This week we had Danny Wrench. He's actually one of the

co-founders of Chess.com. International Chess Master, author of Dark Squares, How Chess Saved My Life. He grew up in a crazy, abusive, religious cult, and Chess became his escape, his path to survival, his career. This guy had a really wild journey from being a traumatized kid to becoming a top chess player. It's a story of identity, brilliance, and resilience. So much to talk about here. Really interesting guy. He was a two-parter. We also did a skeptical Sunday last Sunday on test prep books and courses.

On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, play obnoxious sound bites, and hypothesize as best we can about the murky physics that govern this beautiful universe of life conundra. Before we kick off, I wanted to share something really fascinating that Gabe sent me this week. So there's this guy named

Adam Alexic. He's a linguist, influencer. He probably hates that word, as do I. But he runs an Instagram account called Etymology. nerd where he creates these cool videos that break down the origins of words. But these days, he's talking more about how language and culture and meaning impact one another in general. And I've only just kind of discovered him. Gabe, you've been following him for a while. Yeah, it seems pretty interesting. He's great. I'm a big fan. I've learned so much from this account. It's fascinating.

So he made this video recently about the comment section on the internet. And it's kind of, you know, I've always sort of suspected something along these lines, but basically what Adam explains. And I'm taking his word for all this, but he cites a bunch of studies. And he seems like a smart cookie, so I'm inclined to trust him. What Adam says is that we often think about the comment section as some type of neutral forum when actually there's a very specific type of person who tends to show up in the comments section. And that person, first off, they skew unemployed because, you know, they have time to comment on random crap on the internet, but also they tend to be more privileged, since they're more used to voicing their opinions in public, which means they're more comfortable

participating in debates and conversations online. Meanwhile, just like women in real life, are conditioned to speak up less, and I know there's a ton of research on that. Women on social media are also socialized into being less likely to pop off in the comments section. Plus, they have to worry more about harassment and cyberstalking and all that stuff. And so what that means is there's a disproportionate percentage of men, unemployed men, in the comments. So that might seem obvious.

And maybe you're like, okay, that makes sense, but so what? And the point Adam made, which I think is really important, is this becomes a concern when we treat the comment section as some kind of. egalitarian venue for ideas because studies show that the comments we read online, they actually do affect how we process and understand online content. Right. We're trained into thinking that the conversations we're dropping in on in the comments reflect some kind of like democratic consensus about what everybody thinks and feels, but in reality there's this huge bias because there's a huge bias to comments in the first

place. Super interesting. And things get even more skewed because the comments you do see online, and they're largely determined by the algorithm, right? So you're not even seeing the same thing as another person. So we really shouldn't be treating the comments as a neutral thing whatsoever. And I just wanted to share that with you guys because it really landed with me, both as somebody who gets a ton of comments online and is prone like many of us to forming conclusions based on them

and also as somebody who just enjoys scrolling through the comments of other accounts to see what everybody's getting worked up about, which is kind of a silly little hobby of mine. But actually, more importantly, I actually thought this was a really good reminder of how aware we need to be of the information we consume and the information around that information, the hidden forces that shape it and the biases that are built in that are just so hard to see. And to be careful about not forming strong opinions based on those ideas too

easily, especially on social media. So thanks to Adam Alexic for that. You can find him on Instagram at Etymology Nerd. All right, fun ones doozies and a big life update from Uncle Gabriel over here. What's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. Five years ago, I was struggling with an eating disorder and self-harm. Since then, I've done a lot of therapy and self-reflection, and I'm genuinely in the best place I've ever been. I'm proud of the progress I've made and the work it took to get here. Incredible. Congrats, my friend. Huge growth. What I still struggle with, though, is how to handle questions about the plethora of self-harm scars

on my arms, as they are hard to miss. Adults sometimes ask out of curiosity, but more often it's children who notice and ask very directly what happened. While I'm not ashamed of the honest answer, and I'm proud of my story, I'm also aware that it can be heavy or morbid for some people, especially kids, and I don't feel it's my place to decide when or how a parent introduces topics like self-harm to their child. In the past, I've deflected with jokes saying I fought a lion or made my cat angry. But lately, I find myself feeling worse about lying than I would about telling some version of the truth. How do you recommend navigating these moments? is there a way to be honest without sharing too much or crossing boundaries with children and their parents?

And looking ahead, if I have children of my own one day, how should I talk to them about my scars when the question inevitably comes up in a way that is honest and age-appropriate and doesn't place an emotional weight on them? Signed, looking for some tips on how to discuss my cicatrics. Really good question, very thoughtful. So first of all, I'm very sorry that you struggled with this eating disorder and with cutting. that must have been a really hard period, but man, so amazing. You went to therapy, did so much work, came out the other side, you're proud of the progress you've made, as you should be. I mean,

I'm proud of you. But yeah, I totally get why it's hard to know how to handle a conversation like this, especially with kids. We wanted to run all of this by an expert, so we reached out to Dr. Aaron Margolis, clinical psychologist, and friend of the show, famously known, but not sound bitten, as the fucking doctor. And Dr. Margolis had the same reaction I did. She said, it's incredible how far you've come. you've been through so much, she sees you for all of it. She also said that when it comes to a conversation like this, there really is no one-size-fits-all answer. Navigating these moments, it really does depend on the person who's asking the situation. If it's an adult, a teen, a child. And you're a relationship with them, of course. Yeah. And if it is a child,

how old they are, their developmental age, meaning the age level at which they function emotionally, cognitively, socially, their emotional maturity, all that stuff. I mean, you could talk to a 16-year-old who would be totally freaked out and unprepared to talk about something like a self-harm. And you might come across a 10-year-old who's really kind of ready to have some version of that conversation. So Dr. Margolis's general take is whether this is a random kid or your own kid, this approach requires some flexibility. You get to decide. Well, you and the kid together and potentially the kid's parents. With very young kids, maybe you say, well, I got a boo-boo, but I'm all better now, or I got hurt, but I'm healed now, and maybe just kind of leave it at that.

with an older kid, maybe you explain with more detail and more nuance. One idea Dr. Merkel has had that I liked a lot was you might want to lead with the minimal amount of information necessary. And then if the kid asks follow-up questions, if they seem like they can handle it, that might signal that they're ready for more details and then you go from there. Right. Follow the kid's lead in that regard. I think that's wise.

And if slash when you talk about this with your future child, maybe when you tell them, you also say, but you don't need to worry about me or feel sad about me. you can also frame the story in terms of your resilience. Instead of being like, Mommy was so sick, she hurt herself. You could say, Mommy was upset and hurt herself and realized that that wasn't a good way to handle her feelings, so she got a lot of help and learned how to better handle her feelings. So you never have to worry, and now she can help you with your feelings.

And these scars remind me of how far I've come. Something like that. That would be a good way to talk about this without creating an emotional burden for the kid. Dr. Margolis also pointed out, you know, rather than trying to avoid provoking any feelings in your child about this, it's more important to help them manage any feelings about it that do come up. So obviously, you're not going to intentionally freak your kid out or freak any other person's kid out or

make them sad or disturbed on purpose by all of this. But if your child has some natural feelings about learning that you hurt yourself, rather than trying to avoid them completely, Dr. Margul has felt that it's better to help them work through those feelings and regulate them and make sense of them. In other words, make room for your child's response. You know, listen to them, talk to them, show them how to feel those feelings, being consumed by them or feeling like they create some kind of emotional obligation for them, all of that. That seems to me the real opportunity in this conversation. Dr. Margolis was also curious about why you suddenly feel bad about lying about your scars.

Like, what's changed for you? That might hold a clue to all this. She pointed out that if you didn't tell the whole story about your scars, you wouldn't be lying from a place of deceit or malice. I'm not even sure that I would call it lying per se. you're just recognizing that certain topics might not be appropriate to discuss with a child, or especially with a child who isn't yours. And like you said, it might not be your place. That's not manipulative or insincere. I think that's thoughtful.

But I'm guessing that because you've come so far and you don't want to be ashamed of your past, not talking openly about the scars might make you feel like you're going back in the closet, so to speak. Right, but that isn't quite what's happening here. All she's doing is being sensitive to a child and their needs and what's appropriate in the situation to your point. So she's good, I think. Authenticity, honesty, self-disclosure, yes to all of those, but they don't trump being thoughtful and sensitive when it comes to how a kid would understand something like this. Well, there are also degrees of honesty, right? It's not all or nothing. Being authentic doesn't necessarily mean telling a child everything. It just means being genuine about the parts that you do share. Good point. But honestly, I don't know how I'd feel if Junie came home from dance class and she was like,

the teacher showed me her scars and told me she hurt herself when she was a ballerina because she was so stressed out. I'd be like, um, okay, maybe it's time to have a little chat with Mariel down the ballet studio. Yep, maybe wait on watching Black Swan as a family together. Yeah. But you're right. Take it to your friends, Mariel, not the four-year-olds you're teaching how to plea a every afternoon. Exactly. Yeah, time to get Mariel a better help subscription is what I think. If I were in your shoes and I did want to talk to a kid in my life about this, I would probably give the parents a heads up, like, hey, your child asked me about this. Are you okay with me telling them about it? Or your kid asked, and this is what I told them. I just wanted you to know in case they want

to talk to you about it. At least that way, you avoid the kid doing what kids often do, which is go home and blurt out, Aunt Nicole taught me about self-harm today. Or tell the other kids at school about the cool thing they learned about cutting or whatever. And then suddenly you're getting 37 angry texts about how you were out of pocket for teaching their kid about self-harm. And, you know. Good point. I'm sure you've seen versions of this at your kids' schools over the years. I'm with Dr. Margolis on this.

When it comes to kids who are not yours, it is probably up to their parents to decide when to broach this topic. People are sensitive about this, man. Speaking of kids' schools, there's a what's app group, of course, for all the parents. And it's California and it's a, you know, not a super hippie school, but like it's a private school in California. Okay. People are like somewhat open and cool or what?

Yes. However, there's also this huge contingent. of like Chinese immigrants or and Taiwanese immigrant, they tend to skew a little bit more conservative socially. And so the regular parents group is like, hey, we're doing this and blah, blah, blah. And then the Chinese parents group is like,

did you see that there's a book in the library about a little girl who has two dads? And then the next two weeks are only about this book about this little girl that has two dads. Wait, these are two different WhatsApp groups? Yes, one's in Chinese and one's in English. Oh, that's so interesting.

So the Chinese parents created their own WhatsApp group and part of what they're doing is talking about the mainstream WhatsApp group and all the drama in there? The other one is like, hey, who's volunteering for the bake sale? Hey, are we going to do this auction? Hey, do you think they would want pots and pans for the auction? Hey, can anyone take over my volunteer slot?

I had to go into work early. I can't read to the kids? And the Chinese group is like, can you believe they're teaching that some kids have two dads? And it's like, there's literally a kid, an Asian kid with two dads. So, like, they know that this happens in real life. Come on.

And there's a book that happens to have that in there. I don't know. The whole thing is ridiculous. Talk about being in your own media silo. Holy smokes. Yeah. You guys do realize that there are real people out there with two dads. It's not just a weird fictional story.

I don't want to be political, but there's this threat about how learning about that's going to make some kids gay. In the WhatsApp group, they're saying that. Yeah. And it's like, guys, you not how it works. Not how it works. No, not how this particular thing especially works. Everyone knows going to the library makes you gay. Don't allow.

Yeah, it's not the book. It's just books in general. It's just touching them. Everybody knows they may touch in books makes you gay. All right. What are we even talking about? Right. We're talking about truth, Jordan.

That's what we're talking about. So I know there's a little bit of tension here between owning your story and calibrating your response, but I think that's exactly as it should be when it comes to kids. With adults, you can obviously handle this however you want, but being judicious about what you share with a child and how. I don't think that's compromising yourself or being ashamed or anything like that. You know what's in your heart. So I appreciate how thoughtful you're being about all this.

And again, I'm super impressed and proud of how. well you've taken care of yourself, the remarkable place you've landed. I hope these scars are a reminder of that. Well done, my friend, and good luck. Big thanks to Dr. Margolis for her wisdom and advice. Dr. Margolis is seeing patients in Los Angeles and virtually throughout California. You can learn more about her and her approach at Dr. Aaron Margolis.com. And now for the kind of cutting you can tell everyone about the merciless slashing of the prices on the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you for listening to and supporting the podcast. Your support of our advertisers keeps the lights on around here.

All of the deals discount codes and ways to support the show are searchable and clickable on the website at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, my future husband and I decided to do a destination wedding in the Dominican Republic, and we gave all of our guests a year's notice in December 2025 that it would happen in January, 27. Destination wedding, nice, my, clearly my interest. Clearly, my invitation got lost in the mail, but it happens. I didn't get one either. Weird. That is strange. Yeah. Some friend she is. Anyway, carry on. How can we solve her problem without a plus one and an open bar as a thank you? Don't worry about it. One of our guests is a friend from my fiance's childhood.

She's his sister's friend and the sister of the best man. She and I get along. We see each other weekly. Interestingly, she doesn't see her brother the best man very often. The issue I keep running into is that she is so negative. When I told her that we would be doing a destination wedding, she assumed she was invited and went on a tirade about how selfish it is to ask people to travel. What? Okay, so she's like,

oh, it's in Italy? Well, clearly I'm invited, and also, what a nightmare. How dare you? This is so irritating and expensive. While also assuming she was invited when it was far from a done deal, that's so fun.

I mean, okay, it's not a small thing, a destination wedding. I know it's not convenient or doable for everyone. I get that. That response is somehow that's so annoying. I didn't mention it for a few months until we had everything booked and secured, and then she brought it up at a group gathering. So they're American, right?

I'm not sure, but presumably American. This is even more annoying now, because Italy, incredible, you should be so lucky, but yeah, it's a schlep. The Dominican Republic, what is that, like three to six hours, depending on where you live in the States, as long as you're not in Hawaii or Alaska? Come on. I think it's three hours from Miami. I've waited at the DMV longer than that.

Like, that's not that bad. I've waited for a table at Dintai Fung for longer than that. For lunch. Those dumplings, though. Those dumplings, death. Worth the wait. I am already annoyed at this woman, but let's see where this goes. She, again, presumed that she was invited and went on about how stupid destination weddings are.

Yeah. So it really was not a fay accompli that she was invited. And that's, this is hilarious somehow. This is like the definition of tone deaf and self-absorbed. This is cartoonish. To say this, by the way, seconds after the bride invited you. Didn't invite you, you just assumed. Assumed the bride invited you.

I mean, if that's how you feel, fine, but do you have to express your opinion out loud in front of everyone right then and there? Amanda. Oh, Amanda, not Jessica. No, I'm going with Amanda. I'm doing my part to spare the Jessica's of the world. Yeah, but now you're pissing off all the Amanda's listening, so thank you for that. To trade off. That's right.

If this Amanda can pop off about how much she hates destination weddings, I can randomly choose a gal's name to bring this malcontent to life. This person is ridiculous. Fair is fair. I want to believe that there's some reason Amanda is acting like this. Like, she must be struggling financially or maybe she doesn't want to have to decline the invitation. Although that's weird because she assumed she was invited. So what's that? If you don't want to go, then you wouldn't push to be invited.

But even if that's true, this is such a weird way of doing it. No, if you're a normal person, you stay quiet. Later, you go to the bride like, listen, I'm so sorry. I don't know if I can afford this. Or I can't take off work or whatever. You don't just crap all over the most important day of the bride's life, whom you're basically related to, who you assume had the kindness to invite. you. She just sucks. She's socially inept.

When I finally sent out the invitations, my fiancé said that we kind of have to invite her, since we live in a really small community and we interact with her on a pretty regular basis. I reluctantly agreed. I feel like if we didn't, she would have been incredibly hurt, and that would have been the end of our friendship. I don't mind her, but anytime we talk about the wedding, alone or in a group setting, she becomes so negative about it. My sister-in-law and I are bringing our children to the wedding. There will be eight kids in total, ranging from 3 to 17, only kids who are family. And both of our parents will be there, so we will be okay with help for the kids.

There will be approximately 40 people at the wedding. We went to dinner with this friend the other night, and she went on a tangent about how she told my sister-in-law that it's stupid of her to bring her kids. She, meaning Amanda, refuses to help with child care because it's her holiday, and sister-in-law better not ask her to watch the kids. She's also stated multiple times that she will not be giving us a gift. Her presence is the gift. Wow, that's hilarious, dude.

I'm not getting you a Vitamix, all right? I'm the gift. This person is unnecessarily irritating. Just going the extra mile to be annoying. Yeah, more like going 1,500 miles to be annoying. Am I right? Okay. Little pro tip, Amanda, this is what the person you're giving a gift to says to you,

that you didn't have to, that you're the gift. It's not what you say to the person because you didn't want to buy them something. Exactly. Unbelievable. What a top shelf, you know what, it involves. next Tuesday and how I'll see you there. So I think I have the picture now. She's just a self-absorbed jerk.

I have zero expectation of a gift when we're asking friends and family to travel. I'm just confused about why she would say that to me months ahead. It seems so unnecessary. It's getting to the point where I know she'll be rude about the expense and ruin it for Sister-in-law on me. Sister-in-law, by the way, is her closest friend on the trip,

and even her oldest son, was disappointed to hear that Amanda would be attending because of how rude she's seen her be. Dude, even the kids hate her? That's bananas. Usually kids don't have time for an opinion on the adults. I'm now having a lot of regret

about inviting her. I feel like I can't rescind her invitation now, but I don't know how to listen. We'll see about that. But I don't know how to listen to her complain about the wedding for the next year. I've said multiple times that her attendance isn't mandatory

and no one is forcing her to go, but her deposit is paid and a room and everything are booked. Every discussion we have about this, she continues to bemo. own the whole experience. Unfortunately, she's one of those people who is almost proud to be a quote unquote bitch as she refers to herself. Of course. Dude, she's one of those. She's literally going, yeah, I'm a bitch. Back up. Show some respect. Screw this lady. These people suck. This is just

all red flags everywhere. Do I just let her come to the wedding, hope for the best, and ignore her? Do I sit her down for a full conversation about her attitude? Do I rescind her invitation? If so, how? signed at the end of my run and under the gun to tell this self-professed B that she gets a minus one. I think you can tell where I'm going with this. Yeah, I don't know. Make it a cash bar, but only for her somehow. Yeah, that's right. She can come, but she's going to have to sit at a table alone with all the gifts, you know, because she's the gift. I'm going to do that thing I love to do where I go, if I were a kinder, more enlightened person, here's how I'd frame this. My favorite game.

Yeah, and then I'm going to tell you what I would do because, Ain't nobody got time for that If I'm being kind, Gabe I'm just, I'm saving you some work here Thank you. It's been a very crazy week So you're helping me out Yeah, if I'm being kind I'd say Amanda is a deeply unhappy person

She's in pain That's why she's acting like a total Biach Happy people, healthy people, well-adjusted people Who are secure and have basic social skills They don't do stuff like this Just stating the obvious In fact, this whole yeah, I'm a bitch

That's just me deal with it I have to assume that's her way of trying to make her unhappiness okay by calling it out and owning it. Turning it into her identity. Exactly. Like, I'm not totally unselfaware. I know I'm a raging a-hole. Also, it's not dysfunction or mental illness.

It's just me being a tough cookie who can't behave and I'm proud of it or whatever. That way, it's not something she has to, you know, actually address or work on. It's just it's who she is, take it or leave it. That's total BS, but whatever. So from that perspective, maybe you can find some compassion for Amanda. Maybe. I'm not saying you have to. I'm not saying you owe it to her after everything she's done, but maybe that compassion will make you want to sit down with her, like you said, and just have a real conversation about her attitude.

Maybe you say, listen, Amanda, I can see that you're not a fan of the destination wedding. I guess I can imagine your reasons why, although you haven't made them totally clear to me. I realize it's not a small thing to ask of our guests, but we thought it would be fun and special. It'll be an experience, and we invited you because you're an important part of our world. But I got to tell you, the repeated comments you made about the wedding, the complaining, the criticism, the general negativity, it's been confusing and disappointing and honestly quite hurtful. I'm actually pretty stressed out about the wedding because, you know, I'm worried you're going to come and not have a good time. That's going to make it hard for me to fully enjoy the weekend.

So I feel I owe it to both of us to talk to you about this directly, to tell you how these comments are landing with me and with my husband to give you a chance to explain why you're acting this way, and to ask if you're going to accept our invitation, I really hope you'll be coming in a different spirit because this vibe, it's just not sitting well with me, and it doesn't seem very fun for you either. And then see what she says. And if she's like, oh my God, I've been such a bitch, I'm sorry, I'm embarrassed. That's a good sign. Hopefully you guys can talk it through and get to a better place. Honestly, dude, maybe she needs to be called out a little bit by somebody close to her. People tend to walk on eggshells around characters like this. If you are

the one person who refuses to do that any longer, yeah, might shock her a little bit in a good way. And I don't know, given everything you've shared, I'm sure everybody in your circle wishes they could have this conversation with her. Totally agree. Someone's got to call this woman out. might as well be now around the wedding where she's acted so egregiously and frankly made your case very strong. But look, she might also be like, who are you to tell me how to feel? You're making me fly down to Dominican Republic. You just can't handle somebody who tells it like it is, right? Or even if she just kind of shuts down or wiggles out of the conversation, that's also going to tell you a lot. So you said you would tell us what you would really do.

What does she do at that point, disinvite her? I mean, I would love to do that. Yeah, but I also don't have to deal with the consequences, right? Right, because it might mean causing tension with sister-in-law and best man, right? Yeah, and I hate that, and that's the consequence. But it's also like, well, whose fault is that? Not the bride. Here's another option, and this could sidestep some of that tension. Maybe you ask sister-in-law and or best man what their read on the situation is. You know, maybe they're like, oh, yeah, we're also at the end of our rope with Amanda. We're just, you know, keeping things on an even keel. We're putting up with her for the wedding. And maybe that gives you a little more license to either sit down with her, have that chat, or disinvite her. Or maybe they say, yeah, this is not cool. I'm sorry about this. Let us talk to her. Maybe we can straighten this out. Good idea. That would be a nice solution. Also, if Amanda hears this from two or three people, not just the bride, it's going to be harder for her to dismiss. Or here's another option. Instead of having them talk to Amanda, what if you go to her and you say something like,

hey Amanda, I've noticed you had some really strong feelings about the destination wedding, which is totally fair. We recognize it's a big commitment. I don't want any of our guests to feel obligated, resentful, financially pressured, anything like that to be there. So I just want to give you a graceful way out. If you'd rather not come, we completely understand. No, feelings, we'll release the room, refund what we can. I just want everyone who's there to actually want to be there. And I don't want to make anybody be a part of the wedding if they're not feeling it, which I totally understand. Very clever. So both a graceful way out, but also kind of a way to say, please be positive and enthusiastic or don't come. Exactly. Elegantly put her on notice a little bit.

She might still come, but hopefully she'll know that our friend here is clocking that attitude and just be a little more gracious. And then if she continues to complain about the wedding, that our friend here can say, hey, didn't we talk about this? What's going on? Exactly. Then that's so much easier. It's not jumping straight to, you can't come. My read on Amanda, just having dealt with people like this before, I think she's probably pre-rejecting everything and everyone because rejection hurts her. And she's like, oh, well, you can't reject me. Look, I hate everyone and everything. And I say it out loud. It's like it is. Right. She's one of those. I could totally see that. Yeah. Why else do you do that? Well, she might even resent taking part in something joyful because it highlights her

misery in life. I mean, who knows. I had some of that at my wedding. And I think you can guess who I'm talking about. I mean, there were people who just, like, had to complain to other people about everything. And it was like, why are you doing that? Oh, right. I know why you're doing that. That's really sad. Yeah. Yeah. So it's very possible the wedding is bringing up a lot of stuff for her, but it's just coming out as her shitting on it. Yeah. Because she wants to devalue it because it makes her feel bad. Yes. A lot of women who are single and having relationship troubles, they hate weddings, especially if it's somebody in their tight circle because it's like, well, one, less person where we can say like, yeah, screw man, we're good. We don't need them. It's like,

nope, I'm paired up and so is everyone else. And oh, you're not. It's starting to look like it's not the guys. Maybe it's a you thing, Amanda. You know, that's not a comfortable feeling. And so, look, I guess this whole situation, it does give me a little more compassion for her now that I think about it, but it doesn't let her off the hook for being mean. We know mean people are hurt people, so actually, little dark Jordan idea occurring to me, don't disinvite her. Give her a wedding job. Oh, like actually put her on the babysitting duty? Well, no, because she specifically said not to. Yeah, that would be like retaliatory, right? Yeah, exactly. I'm thinking, like, manage the gift bags or something. Then it's like, your gift is helping with the gifts. Thanks. You're no longer just a gift. You're also the

organizer. Exactly. But what are you thinking? Because then when she gets a job, she'll be like, actually, I can't make it to the wedding. Or she's too busy to complain to the bride and she might actually feel some ownership of the event and make it nice and make it fun. Like, oh, I'm part of the thing here. So I got to do a good job and show everybody that I'm important and I'm special. Good point. Because I'm helping. One of the reasons people complain is they want it to be like, but we really want you to come.

We really thank you so much for going out of your way and coming because we really want you to be there. This sort of says, hey, I actually need your help with this. And then instead of whining, she can be like, okay, well, I really, I have so much work to do managing the gifts. And then it's like, thanks Amanda, right? And then she just feels good about herself doing this. She's dysfunctional in that way.

I truthfully cannot tell if this pitch is manipulative or brilliant because it's like asking her to rise to the standards of the event, which is actually a really nice way to deal with somebody like this. This is Dark Jordan, right? It is manipulative, but it's also supposed to be kind of clever. Yeah, it's also kind of the way you treat a kid who's throwing a tantrum. And you're like, well, actually, why don't you help me do the thing? And then we'll both have to be leaders. This comes from my kids where Jane's like, why does she get that? and I don't and I want this.

And we're like, hey, Jaden, we really need your help making sure that Juniper can do X, Y, Z, because you're a big boy and she's just little. And he's like, oh, okay. And then he just helps her the whole time and he's very sweet. And he's like, I helped, you know. So basically they have to treat Amanda like their six-year-old. Oh, yeah. And frankly, Jaden's getting a little too old for this kind of thing.

But Amanda is apparently in the prime emotional age group for this particular tactic. And when she does a really good job helping the wedding coordinator set up, just be like, you're such a good girl, Amanda. Yeah, rub her head and give her a little box of Legos to keep her busy for the rest of the night. So, Jordan, you are also getting at a bigger question here, which is this whole friendship might be up for debate. It's not just about the wedding invite. I think so, yeah. Look, the wedding is just like the primer.

If Amanda doesn't make a major correction here, I don't know how you can stay friends or why you would stay friends or even friendly with someone like this. I mean, she didn't really want to be friends with her before all this from what it sounded like. She wasn't even sure she wanted to invite her in the first place. she kind of just did it to be nice because she had to because she's so tight in the circle with other people that it would have been weird. I mean, that's where we're at, right? Right. Well, she might have also been avoiding having to break up with Amanda by inviting her because not inviting her would have basically sent the message that she was done being friends

with her. Bingo, which I get. I mean, I had a wedding too and the politics can be a minefield, but dude, only 40 people are coming. She probably already made some tough choices about who was invited. I don't see why she should tiptoe around this woman who's making it very easy to say, hey, I'm sorry, you're being super negative, very hurtful, you clearly don't want to come. You don't seem to want to look at this in a new way. I'm pulling back. I'd love to give your plate to somebody who actually wants to go. Look, if you end up disinviting her, I would definitely try to have that bigger conversation first. I do think it's the right thing to do. And like Jordan said, the outcome of that chat is going to tell you whether you can either invite her without anxiety or disinvite her without guilt. If you don't want to disinvite her and then deal with the fallout, then I would encourage you to find some ways for Amanda's negativity to not infect your weekend. Maybe that means not having much contact with her leading up to the wedding. Maybe that means not paying any attention to her at the wedding at all. Maybe it means reminding yourself that her negativity is not a reflection of you or your wedding or frankly even her true feelings about you. It's just her own unhappiness, her own confusion, and just put some healthy blinders on

so you can enjoy your wedding. It's also possible that once she's there, she'll be fine. A few hours that Dominican sun, a few Cocoa Loco's on a beach. Amanda might be singing a very different tune. That's true. Maybe you get one of the groomsmen to hit on her. Maybe she just needs some action and she'll just chill right out. Gray Gabriel. That's for sure, man. Somebody just needs to charm the mean out of her, you know, I'm guessing this whole, I'm a proud bitch vibe. That's not doing her any favors on Bumble. Maybe she just needs a little. Can you imagine Amanda's profile? One thing you should know about me is I'm the gift. Yes, totally. My typical Sunday complaining about all my friends' weddings to their face. You know what, Gabe? Amanda, she is definitely one of those girls in their dating profile who says,

if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. 100%. Whenever I see that, I mean, look, I'm not on dating ads, but my friends are, and they show me. It's like, just send me your criminal background check and tell me what meds you're on. Let's skip the foreplay. 100% of the people who say that's been 364 days out of the year at their worst. There is no best. I don't know what they're talking about.

Exactly. Anyway, I'm sorry Amanda's acted like this. It's really unfortunate. mostly for her. Look, she's ultimately doing you a favor. Whatever you do, enjoy your wedding, have an incredible time. Don't let this professional grievance collector poison your plans. It sounds like it's going to be a sick weekend. And if you need our addresses again for those invitations that were clearly lost in the mail, because why would you not invite your favorite podcasters? Gabe can send you those from the feedback Friday inbox. I haven't been to the DR

in a minute, so I'm excited to know where we're going. You know, I've never been. And I don't even know what a coco loco is. So I think we have to go. Yeah. But I just want to go on record. I am not dancing with Amanda. I'm just, I want you to know that. Come on, Gabe. Take one for the team. You want to be a night. You got to slay a dragon. That's how it works. So gross, that metaphor. And also not a team I want to be a part of. But if that's what it takes to get the invite, okay, fine. But I'm definitely, I'm not bringing a gift. Well, I'm not bringing the gift. We are the gift, Jordan. That's right. I am the gift. With this podcast is the gift. You're welcome. You know what else is a gift. The amazing deals and discounts on the fine products and services that support this show.

We'll be right back. By the way, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter Webit Wiser. It is a bite-sized gem every Wednesday under two-minute read. Very practical. You can apply it right away and you can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm one half of a creative duo at a big firm and on paper we are crushing it. When we're in sync, the work is effortless. But my partner, Tom, has zero chill when it comes to feedback. Whenever we get notes from above, he goes into a tailspin and rants at me over teams. He trashes our boss, our partners, everyone.

He thinks he's being put upon while I'm sitting there thinking, everyone is just doing their jobs. Plus, I think responding to feedback, even multiple rounds of feedback, is just part of the job. To top it off, my boss sees Tom's quote-unquote. quote, crap attitude and pulls me aside to complain about him. I've become the emotional dumping ground for both sides. I don't want to ruin our creative groove because the output is so good, but I'm tired of being Tom's verbal punching bag and my boss's unofficial therapist.

I want to keep the dream team title without the drama. How do I set boundaries with a high performer who has a short fuse? How do I tell my boss to handle his own employee? Signed solving the riddle of getting out of the middle between a boss who belittle. and a partner who's brittle. Super interesting one. Very common, I think. You know, getting feedback

is always hard. Even for me, you know, it's never fun. But some people really can't take it and it's just too wounding. Gabe, tell me if you're getting the same read here. It sounds like this guy's just super vulnerable to these notes.

Clear. They're hitting him in a certain way and his way of protecting himself psychologically, I mean, is just get angry and lash out. That's exactly the sense I'm getting, yeah. It's a way to defend himself. I had an old business partner like this.

This guy would just go into a, total tailspin at the most innocuous feedback or perceived slight. It was really unsettling. I could imagine, yeah. I feel exposed and thrown off balance and inconvenience becomes these people are idiots and they're put, I'm put upon and I'm, it's a, this is a disaster for me and all of that. Exactly. Yeah, dude, this person I just mentioned, his whole thing was, his whole thing really was, if I freak out loudly enough and redirect enough and melt down enough, I won't have to listen to and actually process feedback, which hurts my ego and sense of identity. entity. It was just the definition of toxic and totally insane. And you had to be enrolled in this

thing or he would get pissed at you too. That's very difficult to deal with. Yeah. It became a huge liability and just an ongoing constant headache for me. And his girlfriends, like anybody around him all the time. Vendors, clients of our business, they would regularly be like, I'm not dealing with this guy anymore. I'm firing you as a client. And I often had to become a diplomat and to the point of contact because I was the person they could work well with. There was actually a a lawyer who we needed for a tax audit. And he was like, I refuse to work with you anymore. And Jen was like, what if I promise you'll never talk to him again?

And the guy was like, I need your word on that and I don't even want him C-Ced on threads. And it was like, okay. And we basically had to put in writing that this guy would just never have contact with my business partner ever. And this guy was like a reasonable tax lawyer. He's a normal guy. Not, come on. Wasn't looking for a problem. No.

I mean, if it gets to that point, like you have an issue. and it's time to reconsider some things. Yes. That role that you fell into, though, is interesting because in one way, tell me if this was your experience, but I feel like that can be kind of gratifying because you're like, oh, I'm the evolved one. Like, I'm the grown up. And these people want to work with me.

So I'm happy to step into that role. But in another way, you are the one being put upon and it's very draining. I would say that the good part of it lasts for a minute and the rest of it lasts the whole time because you become like a trauma sponge, which is exhausting and unsustainable. and then you're on this, you're, oh, you're the one on the side of the vendor and now you're, then it wasn't, oh, Jordan's the only one he can work with the vendors. It was Jordan and the vendors are ganging up on me. And it was just like, it becomes like a whole other problem. We're just trying to get through this IRS audit. Can you just like not make yourself the center

of the universe for five minutes? You know, there's an extra layer with Tom, which is that he's really good at what he does, or at least he's really good when he's in partnership with our friend here. So my read on it is that he's also a little bit of a diva. Like, I'm so good. I can get away with acting like this. Anyway, look, we all get a little flustered when we get feedback, we all get riled up, but there's a difference between fetching to your creative partner

for 10 minutes about how you, you know, the boss just doesn't get what it's like for us. And there's a difference between that and having a three-hour meltdown on the company slack or teams or whatever. That just causes everyone to stay later and finish the work because they're addressing your crybabyness on chat.

Meanwhile, a friend here is like, yeah, it's just part of the job kind of working at a company. What is the big deal? Well, the big deal is Tom is experiencing this feedback as a wound, a narcissistic wound, as you pointed out, and our friend here is not feeling it that way. Right. You know, I've had to work with a lot of feedback over the last decade or so in my writing. It's just kind of part of the screenwriting process.

You get a lot of notes. There are so many cooks in the kitchen. Everybody involved wants to have their input. I don't think I'm a Tom, but I have had a few Tom adjacent to meltdowns, you know, with my writing partner on a few projects. and sometimes it's because I just like really disagreed with the notes and I resented being told by people who did not know the script as well as we did to change something that we really believed in. That's kind of one category of anger I would feel sometimes in this process. But more often than not, it was because, you know, there are a few other things.

One, I was embarrassed by the notes, plain and simple. Like, oh, man, you know, they pointed out this flaw on page 27. They found me out. I'm not as good of a writer as I thought. I'm such an idiot to have missed that thing or made that choice, you know? A writer? embarrassed, shocking. Shocking, right? So crazy. We're famously a very reasonable bunch. Righters, yeah. Writers famously stable and well-adjusted.

It ends well for us, generally speaking. No dark endings or anything. But the other reason that I would get a little worked up sometimes is I wasn't always sure what to do with the notes. And that can create a lot of uncertainty and fear. And then you feel the pressure of having to live up to them and satisfy these people, which is a very rough combination. But honestly, I think the real reason was, until a few years ago, I was very identified with my writing. I still am, to be honest. It's hard not to when you're the one writing it. But when I was younger, I felt like my writing was a total reflection and extension of me. So the notes really hurt because it wasn't just like a technical thing. Yeah, that's relatable, I suppose. When someone

points out a flaw in something you've made, sometimes it can feel like they're pointing out a flaw in you. Well, yeah. But like, sorry to say this, I feel like this isn't helping at all, but when somebody does point something out about something an artist is made. You're saying like, isn't that actually a flaw in the artist. I mean, kind of, right? It can be. Well, way to undo all my progress in therapy over the last decade. Thank you. Appreciate that. Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that if there's a weakness in the work, it might very well be because of a limitation of mine. And yes, that stinks. But one corner that I've had to turn is, do I want to know what those limitations are and actually work on them, or do I want to just protect myself? I know the answer to that now. I'm much more interested in

developing. So the anger, the embarrassment, all that just comes with the territory. So that's one thing, but also not all technical flaws are personal failures. You know, my writing is personal to me. Yes, it's a reflection of my abilities and my interests, my choices, but that doesn't mean it is me. Yeah, that's a helpful way to look at it. But to be fair, I think I've gone on a similar journey with my show, just, you know, getting older, but it's still hard for me to separate myself from the show sometimes when I get comments. I mean, it's called the freaking Jordan Harbinger show. How is this criticism not about me? Again, I cannot say I'm there 100%. I don't know if I will ever be there 100%, but you know, you can work on that. I have come a long way. So, you know, I don't know

if you feel this way when you see podcast reviews, but when I get notes now, even when they're kind of tough, even when I disagree, it's less you're my enemy and it's me and my work versus you and your thoughts. It's more like we're all several minds trying to make this thing as good as it can be. And I find that also really helps. I really like that, but there's some ego extinguishing in that, too, to let people in, invite their ideas. Totally. But of course, but that's important too. I mean, I don't know how it is in the whatever industry our friend here works in. But I feel like in a lot of places, the more minds on a problem, the better. It doesn't mean you're always going to agree. It doesn't mean everyone's equally talented, but I do think that can be helpful. When you're Tom, though,

resisting the feedback might also be a way to protect the role of lone genius or whatever, or dream team in this case. So maybe that's also what's going on. Yeah, like if he can stave off their notes, then he doesn't just protect himself. He also protects the idea that they don't need anybody else to do their best work. Yeah, exactly. And that's a fantasy too. And that's something else I've had to come to terms with, you know, sometimes partnering and collaborating itself can feel like a wound. Because it means admitting you can't go it alone. Exactly. But also in a corporate environment, I mean, we don't know what these guys do. I'm guessing it's advertising or something. In that environment, you have to play well with other people. You can't get around it. Yeah. Tom is not

Don Draper, who, by the way, also had a boss who he made sure to please every now and again. Right. This is part of his job description. If you're a crotchety, brilliant writer who works alone, and maybe you can tell a publisher to screw off and it's fine, or you can publish a substack or whatever. You work at publicists or whatever. You can't tell the SVPs and account managers to fly a kite because you don't like them or their attitude or whatever. Client service, team sport.

So this guy's kind of delusional if he thinks he's just going to be exempt from that because he's a genius or something. And part of that is also coping with bad feedback. I know I just said that, you know, you can think of feedback is everybody trying to make something better and that's nice, but sometimes people's feedback really does make things worse. There is such a thing as bad ideas. You've got to work with that too.

Or it's more about managing the client than it is about producing objectively good work, yeah. In which case, I might feel for Tom a little bit. It's possible that he's not having a narcissistic meltdown every single time. He might just be frustrated with the bosses or know that his ideas are better or he's just fed up with the system. You know, he might have a point there. Fair, but I'd still say suck it up, Tom, because that's just part of the game. Yeah. And also, because of the story you just told about your old business partner, I really feel for our friend here

because you can hear how calm and grounded he is and then he becomes the piece. peacemaker between Tom and the higher-ups. Not easy. Yeah, he's high functioning, he's healthy, he doesn't have a huge ego, so he can speak both languages and get the work done. I'm guessing he also kind of insulates both sides from each other to some degree, so he is a very useful person in a situation like this. Either way, that's quite a responsibility and not one that he asked for. No, although it's interesting, my experience is that personalities like our friend hears, and maybe yours back in the old company, you know, they don't develop entirely by accident. If you're good at managing a Tom, if you're good at being a diplomat, it's usually because you learn that early on. And by the way,

not entirely a bad thing. This is kind of a superpower. It's an amazing skill to have in a corporate setting, but it might be interesting for a friend here to reflect on why he finds himself in this role and in this particular dynamic with Tom. Right. What two puzzle pieces make up this dream team. So, okay, let's talk about how to deal with Tom. You have a few options. All depend on his personality, your relationship, and what you want out of this situation. Option one is you set some boundaries, which it sounds like that's what you want to do, and you gently check him slash protect yourself. Maybe say, listen, Tom, I know it's annoying to get notes. Let's give ourselves 10 minutes to complain. Then let's dive in. Maybe when he complains, you nod, you listen,

you don't engage too much, you don't shut him down, but you don't indulge him either. And then you say, I get it, it's annoying. Let's see what we can do with these ideas. Sooner we hit it, sooner it's over. And if he pushes that boundary tries harder to get you to validate him or pile on yourself, maybe you shift to option two, which is maybe you say something like, Tom, I can see how worked up you are, I know you want company in this, I don't see these notes the same way, I just see them as part of our job. I only have so much energy. I really need to preserve that energy to do something good with these notes, which we both know we're going to have to do anyway. I really like all of these options. I think whatever degree of boundary he goes with, he's going to be communicating something important to Tom in the

subtext. It's kind of like our friend from the destination wedding, which is not only am I not interested in playing along with these meltdowns anymore, but also it's time to take more responsibility for how you are responding to this feedback and you need to take better care of yourself because that's not my job. Exactly. I'm not your punching bag. I'm not your emotional babysitter anymore. I do want to warn him though. When he talks to Tom about this, things might get a little worse before they get better. Tom might get a little angry you for saying this. He might resent you for not being willing to play out this script anymore. He might pull away and sulk. He might lash out more than before. And if he does, you'd

don't need to be cruel about that. I would still be willing to talk that out with him, but I think whenever one party stops behaving the way they always have, things can get a little bumpy and the other party will often react even more strongly in order to recreate the dynamic, even as they realize that things are changing. What's the word for that again? I remember this concept. Extinction burst. Yes, extinction burst. I remember reading that in parenting books when Jaden was born. It's like, when a child throws a bigger tantrum when you refuse to give in. This is so funny. Amanda and Tom are both like our friends' children this week. A little bit. Our friend's been emotionally breastfeeding him for years. Now he needs to make his own lunch finally. Pump and dump in the kitchen at Tom. I don't know what to tell you.

That's right. Anyway, if these bumps do come up, they're probably a sign that you're on the right track. I also want to give you one other option, which is just to go at this a little more directly, taking some inspiration from our friend from question two again. You might want to take him out to dinner and say something like, listen, Tom, I know how annoying feedback from the higher-ups can be. I'm sure we would both rather just do our work and not get any importance. at all, wouldn't that be great? But we can't. It's just not the way our business works, and they are our bosses, whether we like it or not. Now, I can see how challenging this feedback is for you, and I also see how talented you are, and maybe that makes it harder to take it in. Now, I've taken

on the role of being your sounding board when you get frustrated, and I'm willing to do that, but I'm willing to do that only up into a point. So let's talk about it. Do you want to tell me how this feedback lands with you? Can you tell me why it gets you so worked up, and then try to have a real conversation with him about that. I really like that, and if he gets mad at that or if he's like, why should I change? They're the A-holes or taking advantage of us. Then he's just really going out of his way not to listen. As for your boss, I might hit pause on that because if you make progress with Tom, his boss might stop complaining to you as much. And you probably run less risk of trying to work on this with your partner than telling your boss,

hey man, handle your own employee. But look, if three, four, five months goes by and Tom refuses to engage with you on this at all and the boss is still complaining to you, then maybe you say to your boss, look, I hear you, I get it. Tom's reactions, they're tough. Have you thought about talking to him directly about all this? Because I think it might be important for him to hear it from you. And if he goes to Tom and he's like, dude, you have an attitude problem. Maybe that will finally be what makes Tom go, oh, crap, okay, my partner was right. I need to look at this. People are noticing. And then maybe he comes back to you in a new way. That would also be a good outcome. Very sorry, you're dealing with this. I know firsthand that it's very stressful. It's very

draining, but I'm actually really proud of you for getting to this point. I think it speaks to some huge growth on your part that you're saying, yeah, I'm not willing to be the unpaid therapist or punching bag anymore. Time for everyone to grow up and function better. That's a great sign, man. So I'm actually excited for you to learn how to have this conversation. I'm even excited for Tom, because if he can take this in, he's going to grow a lot too, and it might take your dream team to a whole new level. Routen for both of you. Good luck. You can reach us at Friday atjordanharbinger.com. please keep your emails concise, try to use descriptive subject lines that makes our job a whole lot easier. If you're doing battle with an imperious mother-in-law, your sibling is stealing from the family coffers to fund their lavish lifestyle,

or you're wrestling with guilt and regret after terminating a healthy pregnancy out of panic. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. Now for the recommendation of the week. I am addicted to lit filler. So I recently got a pair of Rayban meta glasses. People are going to be like, oh my God, not you. These things are so weak.

They're like regular glasses. They look like regular glasses, but they have a 3K camera and a voice assistant built into them. You can get them as regular reading glasses, sunglasses, sunglasses, prescriptions, whatever, all that. They're really good for taking short videos. I never used to like anything like this. I always thought it was so dumb. So I totally get it if you're like, what?

These are the dumbest thing ever. I found personally that when I'm on a trip, I went to Patagonia and I was like, I don't want to bring a GoPro, I'll just use my phone occasionally. But then, I don't know, I'm mountain biking or paragliding. I don't want to bust my phone out then. It's literally dangerous.

Or you could lose your phone. It's extra gear to bring a GoPro and mounts. It's annoying. Yeah, the whole thing is just a mess. Also, when I want to film my kids, as soon as I get my camera out, the phone, whatever, their behavior changes and they stop doing the cute thing they were doing

that made me want to record a video in the first place. Now I just hit a button on the glasses and I record a clip right then and there and the video is stabilized so if you're hiking or biking it looks fine the quality is shockingly good for a device that's basically just built into a pair of glasses

and the AI assistant which I thought I would never use at all I find myself using it all the time I'll ask it a question like can you do this math problem or what's the temperature is it going to rain do I need a jacket what's 42 divided by 7.5

you know tip calculation all kinds of stuff like that or all be driving and I'll say, oh, shoot, can you remind me in an hour to take my supplements? And it just removes this extra bit of friction having to take out your phone at a red light and do this or write it down in your apps or whatever. It's a really cool device. I find myself using the glasses all the time. You can get them at any sunglass hot or at meta.com or even on Amazon. We'll link to that in the show notes. Also, y'all, in case you all didn't know, there's a subreddit for the show.

If you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, that's over there on the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. And now for a way, word from some companies that hopefully don't spy on you. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment, support our amazing sponsors. All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are searchable and clickable on the website at Jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if that doesn't work, you can't find something. It's not working for you. Email us. I'm Jordan atjarbinger.com. Somebody here will dig up that code for you. It is that important

that you support those who support the show. Now for the rest of Feedback Friday. Before we wrap up here, I just wanted to share a little piece of news with you. My sister, Zara, and her husband, John, both listeners of the show. They had a baby last week, a boy, their first child, which has just been so exciting. Yeah, Uncle Gabe in the house. Finally official, the title. Now we're both uncles.

Well. Yeah, you're the only true uncle. I'm a self-appointed uncle and name only. Your papa, I'm uncle. That's how it works. You know that fits. I like that. Although it kind of makes me sound like I banged your sister, but whatever.

Not the case. I'm here for it. And weirdly, sometimes I'm a hippie grandpa, Gabe, depending on the letter, of course. When people are writing in for bead shop and aesthetic dance recommendations, yes. We wear a lot of hats on this show. Well, I wear a lot of hats on the show. You just make fun of them. Yeah, Uncle Bonito over here.

That's right. That's so good. You've been sharing your little updates along the way, but not the whole story. It sounded like a pretty intense week. Yeah, it was a little bit. So long story short, my sister. had a very normal textbook pregnancy. Everything was very typical. Baby was healthy. Well positioned. The doctors were like, this delivery is going to be a cakewalk. It was all smooth sailing.

And then a series of small, strange events happened. I won't bore you with all the details. But in the end, the labor became extremely long. And then it got more and more difficult. And then it got more and more complicated. And the baby just didn't seem to want to come out. And then eventually things actually kind of for a moment got a little concerning. Yeah, that sucks. That is so stressful. My sister and brother-in-law told this afterward that the doctor walked into the hospital room at a certain point and said, and I quote, so I'm not wild about your baby. What? I'm not wild about your baby? Oh, man, that is not what you want to hear from a doctor. Also, what a weird way to say that? Like, what does that mean? I'm not crazy about the chances your baby's going to make it. Just saying, just throwing it out there. It sounds so personal. Like, she looked at the ultrasound again and was like, ah, this kid doesn't look very cool.

Yeah. Doctors are so funny sometimes. Like, yeah, you can tell me. the scariest possible news while I'm in the most vulnerable state of my life. Can you do that in the most cavalier way possible, please? Thank you. Anyway, in the end, they decided to do a C-section, which their whole birth plan was natural birth, Dula, all of that. It just went completely sideways. And the baby came out, little distressed. It did get kind of scary for a moment there. And for a little while, they were actually pretty worried about him as we all were. Oh, my God. Poor Zara. That's every parent's worst nightmare, I know. It wasn't like the worst case scenario, but it was, it was a, it was a little bit.

stressful and there was nothing we could do really but send him good thoughts and trust the doctors were taking good care of him and you know check in on my family and just make sure they're okay geez well it's a tough place to be anyway the doctors took really great care of my sister and the baby and it all worked out fine and they're home now and they're doing great and I'm just so happy about that amazing so happy to hear that as well but man having kids is intense huh I don't know how you parents do it man I really I really don't the vulnerability in having kids and trusting that they're going to be okay. It's just so big. I can't even really wrap my head around it. It's really insane when you stop to think about it, which is probably why most of us can't. It's

too overwhelming. So isn't it crazy to meet a baby you're related to? That's kind of fun, isn't it? Absolutely wild, to use the doctor's word. Absolutely wild. I am wild about their baby. Everybody told me like, you're going to fall in love with this kid as soon as you meet him. It's so crazy. And I totally did. I can't even imagine how much deeper this love is going to get as he gets older. And he starts walking and talking. We can do stuff together. But even now, this tiny baby, who's so chill, by the way, and he sleeps most of the time, there's a real bond there that I've never really experienced before, and it's, yeah, it's very touching. Being an uncle is really the best, all the fun, none of the responsibility. Truly, all the responsibility I can handle, right? I'm a little

busy with Feedback Friday to parent anyone else myself, but anyway, I just wanted to share this to say, first of all, that I'm so happy for Zar and John, they're two of my closest friends in addition to being my family, and they're wonderful people, and they're part of our show fam, and I know they're going to be just incredible parents and give this guy an amazing life. I second that. He's going to be one funny kid. I can tell you that Gabe's sister for anybody who doesn't know she's a comedian. She's quite funny. And they're just kind of like a zany personality in a fun, smart way. Yeah. Hilarious. And her husband is hilarious too. So yeah, this kid's probably going to be very, very funny. I also just want to say this whole ordeal they went through, it was a really good reminder

of just how precarious life can get and how things can turn on a dime without warning or even a clear reason. Yep. Just a real feedback Friday theme there and just how grateful we have to be when we and the people we love are healthy and safe and life is working well and everybody's happy. It's not an original take, I know, but very, very clear for me after this whole event. 100%. You get comfortable, you get used to things. You take them for granted. It's just how our brains work. Well, your segment a couple weeks ago about your mom was a really beautiful reminder of this too. So yeah, I guess we're getting this message at opposite ends of the lifespan, I suppose, which is how we learn about it, I guess. For sure. Babies, grandparents, they both show us how to live, eh?

Totally. And I'm very proud of my sister and my brother-in-law for how they rolled with the punches and all this. They were such champions, dude. They did exactly that thing we talk about so often, which is just, you know, sometimes you got to surrender to what is happening, but they also still acted when they had to. They advocated for what they needed. They influenced the situation however they could at the hospital. But, you know, in a situation where the stakes just don't really get much higher, it's your life, it's your baby's life. It was honestly very inspiring to watch them just know when to trust the process and have faith in their baby and in the doctors and just breathe until they're out of the woods. Yeah, not easy. Well done.

I hope if I'm ever in that situation, I will handle it in a similar way. Also, people have been congratulating me, which is really sweet, but obviously I did nothing in this situation. It's really Zarr and John and the baby too who deserve the congrats. But I look at them and I see a couple who thought very deeply about whether to have a child, why to have a child. a child, what kind of home, what kind of upbringing and experiences they wanted to create. And I guess I'm just really struck by the courage it takes to have a child, you know, not just the courage to be responsible for another life and work hard and raise them well and all of that, but also the courage to confront precisely this uncertainty we're talking about,

you know, to recognize that there are just so many forces and possibilities that are way beyond our control, to have the courage to work with that. Because this fear and this anxiety and this pain that we encounter in life is just, you know, we talk about this on the show all the time. It's part of the deal. They exist alongside the joy and the fulfillment. And we just kind of have to welcome all of it if we want to really live full lives, which just seems like one of the most intense things in the world. I can tell you that if I'd really thought about that too much, I might not have had the kids at all. It's bananas. I get that. Yeah. I don't know if there's going to be my path in life. I don't know if I could do it, but I am in awe of parents who do. I really am. So anyway, I really wish Zah and John didn't have to go through what they went through, but what a formative experience to kick off with for them, certainly, but even for the rest of our family. And now that they're home and everybody's healthy and happy, I think the whole experience has just made us even more grateful for this child. And it makes me even more appreciative of this new role I'm stepping into because it really is a miracle. Childbirth, the whole enterprise. It's just so crazy. I'm very moved by it. But mostly I just want to say congrats to Zara and John. And I love you guys. I love your baby. And thank you for letting you. me be part of this really amazing journey well hippie grandpa diaper changer i think you're going to enjoy being an uncle new nickname just dropped i think so too i can already see him bringing out a new part of me which is very cool i mean dude what is it like when you're a dad and you have a child and then you're

like oh there's a whole new territory now right new role new parts of you it's just i'm very curious to see how this unfolds how we grow together yeah cool cut to you on a moped in kusko with a baby strep your back on the way to an uncle and me yoga workshop well that we so cool if that existed. I mean, he should be so lucky, but I don't think they're going to let me strap him to a moped. I hope you do travel together. You can be like that crazy weird uncle who takes him on crazy adventures. Literally the dream. I'm just going to give him a bunch of airline points for his first birthday, you know, get him started early. I remember we went to China along this is like 15 years ago almost, and it was probably the first time you and I went to China

because we were going to North Korea and you're like, I have all these miles in points. I'm going to use them for a hotel in the Meridian in Shanghai. I was like, oh, I want to see, I want to to see Shanghai. So I went there for like a day. And the first thing we saw was a street fight. Oh, yeah. We saw those two guys just absolutely beat the shit out of each other outside the hotel. That was so dark. Outside of a luxury hotel in Shanghai were two shirtless guys. I know this is so dark and weird to could talk about right now. But I think that's the most intense physical violence I've ever seen in real life. It's pretty rare to see an actual street fight unless you live in a really rough area. Yeah. And this was China where like they did.

don't kind of tolerate lots of overt street crime like that. And I remember the crowd gathered around and they were just like, oh, these two guys are really going after it. And they were bleeding. And they were bleeding from their, both of them, like nose, eyes, cuts on their face. And we were standing there like, is this happening? I was like, I kind of want to see more of this, which I would not do in the United States because I'd be like, someone's going to bust out a gun and start shooting.

And we're right here. But in China, I was like, nope, I want to get a high vantage point so I can see who's going to win this one. Free MMA. Do I have my Rayban meta glasses? Yeah. You were a little nervous. but I was like, okay, that's probably a healthy, self-preserving reaction to not, like, let get closer so we can see better, but this should be all right.

Strange tangent in the middle of my big life announcement, but sure. Yeah, anyway, that has nothing. That's speaking of airline, Miles, that's all. So amen to all that, Gabe. I've known Zara for a long time now, probably since she was, what, like, a teenager? 19, maybe 20. Yeah. So it's kind of insane to be like, oh, you're a mother now.

Super pump for you, Zee. One of the best things I've ever done, being a father that a parent, you're going to, love it. Also, if Gabe ever retires or joins a monastery in Japan, where he has to take a vow of silence, I'm going to need a new co-host, so your baby is on deck. Let's get this kid on the mic early. I will start teaching him how to do the sign-offs once he's potty trained. How about that? Sure. Even sooner if you can, I don't really want to take any chances. Go back and check out Danny on our Skeptical Sunday on Test Prep Books and courses, if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know like and

trust. I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself in our six-minute networking course. It is free. It's not gross. It's not schmoozy. Find it on the thinkific platform at six-minute networking. com. Dig that well before you get thirsty folks. Show notes and transcripts on the website. Advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support the show at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace, Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Tadasidlowskis, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi.

Our advice and opinions are our own, and I might be a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Consult a qualified professional before implementing anything you hear on the show. Dr. Margolis' input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent nor indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love.

episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. One day, the encryption protecting your bank account, medical records, and private messages will simply stop working. Not because of a hack, but because computers get smart enough to break it instantly. The scary part? That day is already being planned for and your data may already be saved for later.

Quantum computers actually are a real step in evolution in the way that everybody knows about a binary state, zeros and ones, on and off. Well, that was and is the technology for the classic computers today. We've improved technologically much faster than we have been able to, as a society, come up with ways to prevent the harm. Quantum computers can lead to what's called Q-Day, or I prefer to call it Digital Disaster Day, D-Day 2, because that's the day when all the digital secrets that the normal computers,

that the normal computers can't crack through encryption are going to be cracked by quantum computers, and that is really what gets people's attention. Combine that with AI, and boy, we've really got a one-two punch that can make humanity take these giant technological leaps that we had no idea could possibly happen. And that's one of the big fears is AI that a lot of people are worried about.

Now quantum's coming around the corner, it makes it even twice as scary. It's a huge mixed bag. of possibilities for everybody that are great and also danger, you know, Terminator-level existential problems. All the doomsday preppers actually are on to something. If this does happen in the next few years, we're really going to be in big trouble. That's why I'm sort of an evangelist out there trying to speak on it and let people know.

This is a major problem. We can't just stick our head in the sand. To hear from quantum expert John Young on what Q-Day is, why it matters now, and what happens when our digital security hits its expiration date. Check out episode 1261 of the Jordan Harbinger Show. Quick break, and if you like this show, there's another podcast you should check out. If you want to stay informed about what's happening around the world without drowning and noise, check out the President's Daily Brief.

It's built for people who want the big stories fast and clear. Think 20 minutes in the morning, then a quick 10-minute update in the afternoon, just focused coverage of the developments shaping the world right now from the Middle East and Venezuela to China, Russia, and beyond, with an emphasis on what actually has real-world consequences for the United States. hosted by Mike Baker, a veteran of the CIA with decades of firsthand experience, so you're getting smart analysis from somebody who's been inside the system. You get straightforward context to help you understand what's happening and why it matters. Follow the president's daily brief, wherever you get your podcasts, and stay ahead of the curve. This episode is sponsored in part by

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