The Jordan Harbinger Show - 1363: Allegations Untrue? Who's Next In the Queue? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: July 31, 2026

Your niece accused her cousin of abuse, but her story doesn't add up. Now you fear your own sons could someday be falsely accused. It's Feedback Friday!And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in!Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1363On This Week's Feedback Friday:You fell head over heels for your nieces and nephews years ago. Now one niece says one of your nephews — her cousin — touched her back when they were both kids, but to you, the pieces don't quite click. Your mother-in-law fast-tracked a report, and you're bracing for the day your own toddlers get accused. Are you wrong to doubt, and can the family knit itself back together?Your retired parents made a shiny new neighbor who buys your kids gifts, invites himself to dinner, then floats a wildlife outing eight miles deep into empty federal land. Mom's charmed. Dad's convinced he's a grifter — or the opening act of a kidnap-and-ransom plot. Is your gut reading the room correctly, or are you quietly writing a cartel thriller starring Roger from down the block?You're a closeted gay high-schooler in a town where that's a very big deal, and your parents snooped your phone, found your boyfriend, called you disgusting, and quoted scripture at you for hours. So you're pouring everything into a plan to launch a career in aerospace an entire ocean away. Is running that far a reasonable escape, or is something sneakier hiding within the question?Recommendation of the Week: Anker Prime 3-Port Charger — the tidy little brick that retired the wad of five plugs Jordan used to haul around in his backpack.An HVAC crew stepped on a sprinkler and flooded your entire house, destroying 90% of your belongings. The company swore it'd cover everything, then ghosted you, and now you're awake at 4 a.m. racking up credit-card debt while your eight-year-old keeps asking when you can go home. Do you lawyer up and sue, torch them on social media, or grit your teeth and wait?Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]!Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi.And if you're still game to support us, please leave a review here — even one sentence helps! Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!Subscribe to our once-a-week Wee Bit Wiser newsletter today and start filling your Wednesdays with wisdom!Do you even Reddit, bro? Join us at r/JordanHarbinger!This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors: CookUnity: 50% off first week: cookunity.com/jordan or code JORDANJack Archer: 15% off first order: jackarcher.com, code GETJACKPaka: Paka hoodie & crew socks: go.pakaapparel.com/jordanCastbox: Find, organize, and subscribe to the world's best podcasts: castbox.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is brought to you in partnership with Airbnb. We're actually in China right now while our kids are in summer camp. We're going to be gone for almost two months, which at some point after we got here led to this very obvious realization. Our house back home is just sitting there, empty. We're here in Yunnan, exploring old towns, wandering through street markets, and eating some of the best food we've ever had. And back home, our place could be bringing in a little extra income instead of just sitting

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Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, The Glass Bowl holding all of your car keys at this open-minded psycho-spiritual orgy. Gabriel Mizrahi. That is such a good one. I just saw the room you think Feedback Friday takes place in, and it had a sunken living room in an orange shag carpet. 100%. Tons of macromay, a David Bowie poster above a communal jar full of lambskin condoms. Honestly, sounds like a pretty good time. I would need to get a horseshoe mustache for some reason. You would rock the horseshoe, actually. Yeah, you could pull listener letters out of your bell bottom jeans. Mm-hmm.

You're in a sequin jumpsuit for some reason. Right, no pockets. This is really starting to feel like a family guy cut away, so we should move on. When we were looking at houses, Jen and I, our realtor was this, he was like this very gay bear. So like a, you know, like a tough. And his whole personality was being a gay bear. It was exactly how I pictured you in the. cutaway fantasy, yeah.

So we were looking at houses and we go to one of the homes and he's like, hey, what do you think those are for? And he points to the ceiling in one of these empty rooms that has like nothing in it for some reason. And there's a heavy duty set of bolts just hanging off the ceiling. And I was like, chandelier and he's like, yeah, if it was a chandelier, you'd want those hidden. He's like, that's for a swing that can hold someone.

And I was like, you would know, you would know, Mark, because it was like super heavy duty bolts on a steel beam and he's like no no that's a multi-person swing set up right there and um we saw another house and it had carpeting on the walls like a thick like fuzzy carpeting on the walls and he was like we need to get out of here there's I won't let you buy this house too much has happened in here this place is haunted with stuff I don't want to discuss in front of your wife it was just like so tacky he's like I you know the kind of parties these people had and you don't want people showing up thinking those are still happening while you live here. Why does he have all the weird listings in your neighborhood?

I mean, he just, you know, maybe there's just a lot of weird listings in San Francisco in general, because these were all, but he was our realtor when we were looking at SF before we came down. I was in the city. Yeah. Still, I don't know. You know, that's a referral business. That's a networked business.

That's true. That's true. But speaking of cutting away, on the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the story of secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, arms dealers, four-star generals, astronauts, and hostage negotiators. This week, we had Danny Bate, linguistic expert, and author of YQ Needs You. He took us on a journey through history,

archaeology, politics, linguistics, to discover where we get our writing from, the alphabet, where we get letters from, how the alphabet mutated and evolved over time. It's peak nerd stuff, but I it was pretty interesting, and I think it's a nice companion to our recent episode on Accents with Valerie Friedland, if you like that one. On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, play obnoxious soundbites, and recast our weekly do's dive as some kind of weird suburban swinger party in 1973. I don't know what happened there, but I'm glad I got to share my house hunting journey with y'all. Well, speaking of Journey's home, welcome home, Papa. Yeah, thanks. Back from China, finally. How are you holding up? Are you still

brutally jet lagged or are you okay? I would say we're past the jet lag and back in the swing of things more or less. It took a while though because kids came back and instantly got sick and then they didn't want to get up, they didn't want to go to bed at night and they wanted to sleep all day. It's just, it was wild. You guys sick? Weird. Yeah, I know. All

the time. My kids just get everything because they go to camps and they go to daycare. Petri dishes. You just can't shelter kids from germs. They're supposed to get sick. It's good for their immune system. The problem is then they stick their fingers in your mouth while you're laying down and you're like, well, I'm getting whatever that was. It builds character.

It does. For both of you. But overall, it sounds like it was a pretty amazing trip. Yeah, we had a good time in China and Taiwan. The kids especially, I love watching them enjoy it. It's special. I got to say, they're traveling to another country for an extended period of time. You really do cross this invisible barrier of vacation versus I live in a new place temporarily.

Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? This is one of my favorite top of course I do. Yeah, of course you do. So when you're on vacation for a week or two, like no gym, Okay, no problem. Yeah. You do some push-ups a couple times.

You do your yoga thing. Maybe I go for a longer walk on the beach or something. No big deal. Can't find food you like or with enough protein or whatever. No big deal. There's no Wi-Fi. The email doesn't work? Okay, fine.

I guess I'm taking a break from that. But when you live in a new place, right? It's week three, week four. All of that just becomes a virtually insurmountable inconvenience that is incredibly irritating. Yeah. It's a completely different experience. You're not really on vacation.

in the same way. No, you're just failing to adjust in a new place. You're going through that stretch where the novelty has worn off and you're in the rough adjustment phase. Like can't find protein powder? Dang it. How do you not have protein in the entire province of Yunnan? Is that real? Oh, they must have it somewhere in China. Of course. In China, yes, but you have to order it. I remember I had my wife's aunt order it off of Ali Baba or Taubo or whatever it is that they order from. And the guy was in like Beijing or Shanghai. And he's like, hey, this is a specialty product. It's going to take four days to get to you. And I was thinking, wow, okay. And I realized I couldn't find a gym, right? Because all of the gyms were a treadmill and an exercise bike in the corner of an air-conditioned closet, basically, or something highly specialized,

like acro yoga or aerial yoga. And I was like, no, no, no, I just want weights. And they're like, yeah, this place has three kettlebells, all of which max out at 20 pounds or 16 pounds. You know, you can use those. And there's just like, no, I don't want to, no, I need a gym. And they just don't have it. They just don't have fitness culture, maybe outside of tier one cities, and Dali is a tier four, tier five city. Anyway, I came home and I got to say, I'm so happy to be back at work. I did enjoy our time in China, but when I got back to my desk here at home, I was like, okay, man, I miss this.

And, you know, I'm asking myself, am I just a workaholic, or do I genuinely love what I do? And it's a little bit of both, for sure. I'm going with both, yeah. But I think the bigger part of it is just that I really love doing the show, and this is kind of what I live for. I feel very lucky. I know that's not the case for a lot of people. I remember being miserable in my career before for so many years.

Even in the early days of podcasting, it was tough. You know, I remember wishing I worked at a post office or something because it was easier. So it's a nice realization that I actually enjoy what I do a lot now. Yeah, that's beautiful. Lots to be grateful for it. For sure. So, yeah, glad we went to China. We'll probably go back again next year for the kids because they love the summer camp there

and they have all these new friends and there's expat groups that we made friends in. But I am happy to be home thinking about other people's problems with a little pro-shake by my side and Wi-Fi that actually freaking works. As always, fun ones and doozies. I can't wait to dive in. Gabe, what is the first thing out of the mailbag? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my wife and I married eight years ago and have been together for 12. She has two sisters. Serena has six kids and Lorraine has one child. One of the big things that pushed me out of my fear of marriage was all of these nieces and nephews. I fell in love with them so fast and the thought of them leaving my life scared me almost as much as the thought of losing my wife. Lorraine's daughter, BC, was definitely born into a rough spot.

Her stepfather, who's been there since day one, is mostly a nice guy, but definitely has severe mental-emotional problems. Over the last couple months, BC, who's now 13 years old, has called the suicide hotline repeatedly, to the point that they opened an investigation, and she and her stepdad have been ordered to see a counselor with stepdad needing anger management classes. She's also been diagnosed with depression and, including anxiety and put on medication. Oh man, at age 13, poor kid. That's hard to hear.

Then, recently, one of Serena's boys graduated high school, so we all traveled to a neighboring state to celebrate for three days. On day two, Lorraine's best friend called and told her that B.C.'s friend, just called Lorraine and told her that B.C. is currently in a house with a cousin. Let's call him F., who allegedly sexually assaulted B.C. Five years ago. When she was eight and F. was 10. The claim is that he touched her, forced her to touch him, and sniffed her underwear.

Ugh, gosh, well, that's, this is tough. I'm not trying to deny the claim, but it just doesn't sit well with me. F is a very kind-hearted, athletically talented boy with a burning desire to compete in the Olympics one day. I will admit that in the last 12 years, F has certainly become my shadow at family events, to the point that they call me Peter Pan because my shadow comes and goes, but always returns. But looking at this logically, trying to look past our bond, the pieces don't fit. B.C.'s story is not entirely consistent. She doesn't distance herself from F at all. She even begged her mom and aunt at the graduation to let her spend a week with them this summer break.

Interesting. It's hard to know what to make of all that, but I suppose I take your point. With B.C.'s mental state lately, I'm not convinced that this is truthful. Who knows, it might be happening elsewhere in her life, and she's crying out and blaming him. 10 years old seems awfully young to be smelling underwear. Well, unless they had it done to them also by an adult, or they saw that somewhere, they're exposed to adult material. I mean, it's not always the case, of course, but, I mean, that's why that's a red flag is because kids don't think of that stuff themselves.

So yeah, awfully young to do something like that, but I'm not so sure that means it didn't happen. Sadly, this stuff happens at tragically young ages. But I understand what you're saying. It's the collection of these things that's giving you pause. Then, this week, B.C.'s mother, and my mother-in-law convinced BC to tell her counselor what happened, and the counselor filed a report. My mother-in-law agrees with this decision. She says that if the counselor didn't, she would have.

As the parents are three of the youngest kids in the whole group, and given how quickly my mother-in-law convinced Lorraine to file a report, I'm now scared that in a few years one of my toddlers might do something inappropriate to one of the younger cousins with innocent intentions. And five years later, my mother-in-law will be as quick to take her side and then all be stuck fighting a legal battle to defend my innocent son. Yikes, yeah, that's a heavy fear to carry around. Needless to say, there is a massive rift in the family now, and I've even told my wife, I don't want my boys to ever be alone with any of their cousins. For the record, we've

talked to our six-year-old and explained what inappropriate touching is. Great. I mean, that would be my first priority, although I will say kids can know all about this and still do it because they think it's funny. Jaden goes to school, and there's a kid that he's really good friends with and the kid, Jaden was going to the bathroom and the kid kept poking his head under the stall and being like, hello, hello. And Jaden was like, hey, I don't like that. And he kept doing it because they're young boys who don't care about, you know, they're pushing each other's buttons. And Jaden mentioned something to the teacher and it became this thing like, oh, this is wildly inappropriate. And I was like, oh, gosh, you did that. And they were, he was like, oh, what of the,

so and so. And I was like, oh, this super silly kid that Jaden's best friend. I'm not convinced this was a massive issue. I think we should just like tell them to knock it off. and move on. Interesting. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, there's like such a huge spectrum of behavior. Poking your head under the stall is different than sniffing a young girl's underwear and forcing

her to touch you. That's, it's not the same thing. But also with children, it's complicated. Like, how much do they need to? They just don't get it. And it takes a few tries until they do, really. I mean, that's, it does. There was a girl who used to follow me into the bathroom in kindergarten all the time and look

over my shoulder when I was peeing. And she only stopped what I told the teacher. And it was like the third time. And the teacher was like, I God, I'm so sorry. And it was like, whatever, you know. She just wanted it. She was curious. I get it.

I mean, we're in kindergarten. But yeah, they don't understand the severity of this. So I'm not trying to excuse the behavior, but it's just, it's very on brand for little kids to do this stuff. Am I wrong for saying all this? Am I wrong for doubting the accusation? Can I trust my mother-in-law? And can this larger family rift be fixed? signed a father starting to sigh and feeling afraid that a son will be made into the bad guy

if these accusations ever start to fly. Man, this is an intense letter, super complicated. So, first of all, I'm very sorry that your niece is struggling in all these ways that she might have experienced this abuse. This poor girl has had a rough go of it, man, in so many ways. And my heart really goes out to her. I'm sorry for the rift this has created in your family. And I'm sorry for the difficult position it's putting you in right now.

I have to say I'm also sorry for your other nephew F. If he did this, I'm sorry he felt compelled to act on this impulse at such a young age. It does make me wonder what led him to do it. If he didn't do this, well, that I'm sorry he's being accused of something he didn't do. So a few words about BC. On one hand, I can understand why you're hesitating to fully believe her story. There are plenty of facts here that complicate the picture. Her childhood, her mental health, her behavior. If I were in your shoes, all of that would give me probably give me pause too. On the other hand, being kind, being athletically talented, and having big dreams, I'm sorry to say, those don't mean somebody is not capable of something like this. And B.C. not distancing herself from F? Well, this also happens all the time. Children, adolescents, even adults, too, we hear it all the time. They often maintain contact with people who have harmed them. They might minimize what happened. They might compartmentalize it. They might still care about that person. B.C. might have begged her mom and aunt to let her spend a week with and the cousins this summer because she wants to be with the other cousins, because she wants

her family life to feel normal when everything else feels like chaos. We just don't know. Also, I hear you, BC's story hasn't been consistent. That is curious, but inconsistencies and recall are not unusual with victims of abuse. That's just how memory works sometimes. And I feel like, yeah, it doesn't, none of that really says, oh, this is a bunch of BS to me. Especially because this happened, what, five years ago when she was eight years old? Yeah, that's not pretty, if the allegation is true, but it isn't evidence that it's false either. Memory around trauma is complicated, man. It's often incomplete, it's often fragmented.

Plus, you and F are, like you said, especially close, which is super sweet. And I know you're trying to look past your bond and look at this objectively, but I'm sure that that's playing a big role here as well. It's got to be, look, he's rooting for the kid. He likes him. I'm sure that makes it hard to believe he did this. So to bottom line this, you're not wrong to wonder if the allegation is not true. It's also very possible that it is true.

And I think a lot of people listening would be like, listen to the kid, listen to the girl. She's saying this happened. Why are you doubting her? And I understand that perspective. But with limited information, it puts everybody, the whole family, in a really difficult position. Yeah, it puts a family in a really difficult position. They can't in good conscience ignore a young girl's claim that somebody in the family abused

her. They also can't in good conscience automatically punish a young boy who might not have actually done anything five years ago. Or if he did do this, again, five years ago, he did it when he was a child who was probably either confused or perhaps even influenced or even abused himself. So that's more, the whole thing is concerning to me for those reasons as well. Jordan, we've talked in the past about how hard it is to live with competing narratives like this. It's very confusing. It's a very stressful thing to deal with.

And I'm confused myself hearing this story. Like I'm going back and forth. On one hand, when a girl says this happened to me, it's hard to imagine that she would just make that up. We also live in a world where people do make things up or they get confused or they misremember certain things or they don't remember that something happened and then later they look back and they say, actually, that did happen and I didn't realize it meant that thing. You know what I mean? It's confusing. So we, you and I based on this letter, are not really in a position to say that this definitely happened or this definitely didn't happen. But there is a little bit of a mixed picture here

and I guess it comes down to the fact that BC might, and I say might, like huge underline, be a bit of an unreliable narrator, but not necessarily in a way that's her fault. Part of it is her age, part of it is her trauma, part of it is her current state. She is troubled in all these other ways, and that's part of what's giving our friend pause. So I guess in a world where nobody can know with 100% certainty what happened, other than choosing to believe what she said full stop, it's got to be pretty unsatisfying to agree to just sit with the ambiguity of this. But in a way, based on the information we all have, it seems like maybe the most intellectually honest one right now? I don't know. This is tricky.

Well, that's why I have mixed feelings about B.C.'s mother and her mother. You know, look, if I were in their shoes, I might have had the same instinct. Protect my child, protect my grandchild, tell the therapist what happened. And the therapist is a mandated reporter. So, of course, they're going to notify the authorities, whether the allegations are true or false. I don't know if Lorraine and her mom knew that, but that's how this works. It must be so hard for a parent, for a grandparent, to hear a story like this and go, okay, well, we don't have all the information here. Could be true, could be false.

So let's be fair and just sit with this and find a middle ground. No, they're going to want to do something about it. You would hope they'd do something about it. Exactly. So I understand their predicament, but I also wonder if there are things that they could have done maybe before notifying the therapist. Look, we don't know what steps they took, right? but they could have talked to F and tried to understand what his memory of all of this was,

if there is a memory, maybe tried to reconcile the two stories to the best of their ability. I don't know if that's possible, but it would have been nice to try. They could have reached out to B.C.'s therapist. I mean, she's a minor, so I believe that grants her parents some degree of involvement in her treatment, even if her sessions are confidential. And maybe they could have said, listen, B.C. is claiming that this thing happened. We don't know what happened, but we want you to have all the information and hopefully help us confirm her story as much as possible before we decide whether to report, although I guess even in

that situation, the therapist might still be obligated to report, so maybe that doesn't solve that, but they could have also acknowledged that they don't have slam dunk proof that this happened, but they care about their daughter. And in a world where it might have or probably did happen, you know, we're going to take precautions to keep BC and F apart just in case. For example, I'm a little confused, and I wish we had more clarity about this, about why Lorraine allowed BC to go to a house with F while they were away. That's a little unclear. I can't tell if the allegations came to light for the first time when Lorraine's best friend called her that day or if they already knew. Right. But that just seems like a curious decision to me. Yeah, they kind of went zero to notify

CPS via the therapist pretty quick there, didn't they? To your point, I'm sure they had good reasons. They're probably freaked out. They want to protect BC. A therapist is their best ally, and I agree with that. And yet, is this also maybe a point in our friend here's favor? Did they jump the gun? Did they place BC's narrative above F's narrative unfairly? I mean, I can already hear people going, what are you talking about? Like, BC's narrative is the one that should be prioritized because she's the one who said this happened. You know, that's true. But these, these are not completely unreasonable questions. I don't see how they could have made a responsible decision either way to notify or to not notify without more information. It's also an interesting question. Can he trust?

his mother-in-law. In a way, she's doing what any reasonable grandmother would do, which is trying to protect her granddaughter. That is a trustworthy thing to do. In another way, she might be acting from a place of anger and panic and not seeking out all the information, which might be, it might be a little reckless, but if something like this ever happened with one of his kids and he needed to open a dialogue with this woman and make sure everyone in the family was being fair and thoughtful about how they handled it, maybe she wouldn't give him and his kid a fair shake. And so maybe he cannot actually trust her to do the right thing in a situation like this. But it's tricky, man.

It's kind of like, well, what would you do? It's also worth acknowledging that the therapist can make this report and is legally required to, based on my understanding, it's kind of out of her hands. But the agency that investigates might find that this didn't happen or that there just isn't enough evidence that it happened to intervene. Right. That's true. And it doesn't mean F's life is going to be ruined for sure.

And if it didn't happen, then there almost certainly won't be enough evidence anyway. My understanding is that at this age, any response from, say, CPS is going to be protective rather than punitive. Yeah, I would hope so. They'll ask questions like, has this child been abused themselves? Are there developmental issues at play? Mental health issues at play? Is this kid being exposed to violence, pornography, other harmful experiences? Ultimately, I think they're going to ask what interventions are needed to keep everybody safe.

That's probably not going to be a pleasant process, but I can't imagine that it will result in F's life being ruined and he won't become an Olympic skier or whatever, especially if he did not do this. Good point, but that still doesn't make it okay that they notified the authorities if he really didn't do this, but I also understand why they did, I guess. I just want our friend here to remember that his worst case scenario, both with F and theoretically with his own child one day, might not ever come to pass. Also, pushing past the question of who's right and who's wrong about this. It's very possible that both of these children need some kind of help. If something inappropriate did happen between F and B.C., that raises questions about B.C.'s

well-being and about, to your point, Jordan, where F may have learned this behavior. If something inappropriate didn't happen, then B.C. is accusing her cousin of something awful that he didn't do, which is part of her larger struggle, and F might deal with the repercussions of that for a long time, suspicion from family members, tension, shame. You know, his reputation in the family might take a hit. who knows. So both of them would benefit from safe adults to talk to, parents and family members and therapists as well as, you know, the chance to grow up a little bit more and show everybody what kind of people they are as adults. So maybe that's the better lens on a situation like this, not who's to blame here, but what do these children really need? That is a good point. My feeling

is at this age, even in the worst case scenario, these kids probably deserve compassion and support more than judgment and punishment. That said, I can appreciate why all of this makes you a little worried about your own children in this family. In a world where F didn't do this, then yeah, B.C. is a risky person to be related to, and Lorraine and your mother-in-law could create some truly unfortunate consequences. And that might not be entirely their fault, but that might be the reality. Like I said, I do think the best thing you can do is educate your children about what's okay and what's not okay, and I think that that's good parenting, whether you're related to people like BZ or not. And if BC continues to make claims like this and you send she's just not a safe cousin to be around at all,

then yeah, maybe not leaving your children alone with her is actually the right move. About this larger family rift, I would hope for all of your sakes that you guys can find a way to talk through this, come back together somehow. I'm not sure that you alone can make that happen. These are your in-laws, right? Unfortunately, allegations like this often divide families for years, sometimes forever. We've heard about that on the show because everybody feels pressured to pick a side and stick with that side. it can be really hard for a lot of people who want to do the right thing to then say, well, actually,

we don't know what really happened here. I guess my approach would be continue to be kind and respectful and collaborative with your wife's family, even if you disagree about how they handled this. If you guys talk about this and it gets heated, you know, validate their feelings, they're angry, they're afraid, they're sad. Whether this actually turns out to be true or not, those feelings do make sense. They're understandable even if you guys never prove or disprove BC's story. and I would keep making room for their perspective while you advocate for yours if you have to advocate with them at all. Maybe you don't. And, you know, try to gently remind everybody that you're all operating on limited information here about a highly charged topic. And you want everyone to proceed

as fairly as possible, as thoughtfully as possible, and you'd like to help resolve this rift however you can. And like, how can I help do that? Which I guess means continuing together as much information as possible and protect and do right by the right people here. Maybe that means accepting you'll never know the truth. Maybe it means revising your position in light of new facts. Maybe it means supporting the decision to keep BCNF apart, although that's really also not really up to you. I think protecting children in a case like this means supporting the appropriate investigations, putting some basic safety boundaries in place, avoiding gossip, and refusing to vilify either child prematurely.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what else you can do, especially since this isn't your nuclear family. Again, I'm very sorry you and your family are going through this, whether or not this abuse took place, It's a heartbreaking development, and BC is clearly in a lot of pain. But I would encourage you to focus on the pieces that you can control. How you educate and monitor your children, especially around their cousins. How you talk to your wife's family and encourage them to get BC and F the support that they need. How you continue to foster a relationship with F that helps him become the best possible man. Everything else is sadly out of your hands.

We're sending you and your family good thoughts, and good luck. And now I'm mandated to order you to investigate the deals and discounts on the final. products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Cook Unity. On a typical night, we're feeding six people because my parents come over for dinner, and somehow all six of us want something different. My dad, he loves Mexican food. My mom won't eat that, but she loves Thai, which my dad won't touch. Then there are the kids, plus yours truly on a high protein diet like a meathead. Finding one meal that keeps everybody happy is not possible. That's why Cook Unity has become part of our regular dinner rotation. There are hundreds of dishes across more

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Thank you so much for listening to and supporting the show. All of the deals and discounts are searchable and clickable on the website at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. My parents retired to a border town sometime back.

We typically feel pretty safe on the U.S. side and visit regularly, but we refuse to take our kids across the border, as there have been well-publicized instances of tourists being taken and, in some cases, killed. Narnly. So they live in like Arizona? I guess. Yeah. Texas.

Because you hear of people going to Tijuana and it's like, oh, I got mugged. You don't hear people going missing and getting killed. Then again, I don't read all the news from there, so maybe I'm wrong about that. I don't know. Recently, my parents made a new acquaintance who moved into their neighborhood shortly after meeting them. He's single and made quick friends with several older widows. Mom likes him. Dad thinks this guy is a grifter. Yeah, that's interesting, isn't it? Dad's clocking the guy right away. Love it.

Due to work schedules, we recently visited my parents without my husband. This neighbor met us and proceeded to buy my children gifts, invite himself to family dinner, then invite me and my children on an outing to open land to view wildlife. I mean, that's a little odd, man, you think? A little? Yeah, it's very odd. Buying kids you just met a bunch of gifts and inviting yourself over for dinner and then going to this family that's clearly not sold on you. Like, hey, you want to go birdwatching

eight miles into empty federal land? Yeah, no, that's suss, man. What are you talking about? My mom accepted the invitation, but my dad later told her she needed to counsel that we were not allowed to go. My father is recovering from a serious illness and needs a walker to get around, so he wouldn't be able to get in the raised pickup needed to make the trip. My mom would need to stay with him, so it would just be me and the kids. My dad doesn't trust this guy and believed this was part of a kidnap and ransom ploy. Weird. I mean, I suppose that is possible? I had some initial misgivings about going, but more about the safety of wooded areas.

There's definitely trafficking of people and drugs in the area, and I was concerned about what we might stumble across. I don't consider my parents rich, but they are well off and could easily get their hands on a considerable amount for our return. I did some digging on the neighbor, and he's had some bad business dealings, is currently self-employed, and is living in a a house owned by a family member. I had some other interactions with him that don't give me the impression that he's just a really nice guy. Does this kind of thing really happen to normal people in the States? Is there a way to suss out what this guy's intentions were? Signed, getting kind of clammy about this guy warming his way into my family, but hoping you can check my sanity,

because all I can see is this ending in tragedy. This story is so bizarre. I wish she told us what those other interactions were. Yes, me too. Like, what other data points does she have about this guy? How reliable are they? Well, okay, let's take her word for it. Dude's weird. He's an unknown quantity. And he's giving her and her dad a creepy vibe. And for me, that's just enough already to keep my distance. It's the whole Gavin DeBacker gift of fear thing. You got to listen to that primitive intelligence that fires when you come into contact with somebody who gives you that feeling. It doesn't mean it's right 100% of the time, but it's just not worth putting yourself in a situation where you could be in danger or you put your children in danger when every cell of your body

is screaming, hey, something's not right here. Also, it's not like this is your cousin's husband or something like, or a family friend you've known for your whole life. This is a neighbor. The consequences of being wrong about this guy being a creep and ignoring him are zero. Not even a neighbor, right? He just moved into their neighborhood. It's your parent's neighbor. If you ignore him and it's all unfair and wow, wow, like who cares? Get over it, pal. Yeah. Who cares if Roger the oily interloperable down the block is a little ticked off because they didn't invite him over for meatloaf. Exactly. It doesn't even make my top 10 list of things I give a shit about as a parent.

Like, oh, my parents, grandma and grandpa's neighbor's upset that we didn't go birdwatching with him. Oh, well. Now, look, maybe this guy is just really eager to make friends in his new town. Maybe he's just super lonely. Maybe he's not great with people, doesn't read social cues well. Maybe buying people gifts and inviting them to look at wildlife is how he thinks you'd befriend people. I mean, all of this could be totally innocent and weird, but innocent, completely possible. It's also possible that he's some kind of trafficker or maybe he's a guy who lures wealthy Americans to the border where they get taken or maybe, and I hate to put this in your head, but we got to acknowledge the possibilities. Maybe he's like low-key trying to groom your children. I don't know.

Doesn't even matter, really. If Roger has an angle here, I think it's way likelier that he's just a garden variety two-bit con man trying to worm his way into this family. especially because he seems to be focusing on all the widows in the area. I 100% agree, which would still make him dangerous, of course. She's a different kind of dangerous. He doesn't have to be a full-on human trafficker with ties to the Sinaloa cartel to be a risk to your family. I think she's probably clocking the correct risk factors, but she's kind of going full breaking bad in her imagination of what's actually going to happen.

So yeah, of course, these kinds of things happen in normal people in the States. People go missing all the time. People get kidnapped. People get trafficked. People get abused. It's a dark world. actually I have a story about this. I'll keep it super short. This is like friend of a friend. He went to Mexico and his housekeeper had said to her friends or something or family back home that he was

going to be there with his family. And I don't know if she said they're rich or whatever, but they had found out that he was going to be there. And these armed men broke into their Airbnb and held them hostage for four days until he did. That's awful. Yeah. I don't think the housekeeper was like, break in there and hold them at gunpoint. I think she probably thought like, oh, okay, they're going to have a lot of expensive stuff and some cash. Maybe you just go take it while they're at the beach. But the person who's the informant doesn't get a say in how the criminal activity goes down. So stuff like that happens. And they held him for ransom and like, you know, a lot of money. And he had to get that while he was there because his wife and kids were in the house being abused by cartel members. I mean,

that was just terrifying. Happens all the time. That's awful. Yes, it does happen. It's like, again, it's a dark world, but actually it's probably even more likely that people get manipulated and conned and sign their money over voluntarily. And again, that seems far likelier here based on the details that you've shared. So we truly don't know what this guy is up to, but I don't know if you need to know what this guy is up to. It sounds like you know enough to stay away. There's no upside here. You don't like this guy. The potential downside is you guys maybe lose money. He sues you when he slips on the front steps. He creeps out your kids. He asks you. He asks you. your parents, if he can stay in their basement, when his uncle kicks him out of the house, he's letting them stay in. Or worse, you end up staying in his basement or someone else's basement in frickin' warres, and you and your parents get ransomed and yada, yada, yada, no gracias to all of those options. Honestly, bird watching with a stranger all day sounds like enough of a punishment for me. Like, even if they don't get traffic, I'm out.

I'm out. I don't want any part of it. There's no amount of cool lizards you can show me that's going to make that day in the sun worthwhile, hard pass. But dude, oh man, now I'm, now I'm annoyed and I'm curious. Like, what is the... Also, I just remembered, he met them, right? He met the parents and then he moved into their neighborhood.

Like, that's weird, too. Oh, yeah, how weird is that? He didn't meet them, like, out for a stroll. No, he wasn't meeting them while walking the dog after he moved. He's like, I'm new here. No, he, like, met them, and then he moved into the neighborhood. I don't know. I'm just, now I'm very curious.

What is this guy up to? That is weird. I am getting criminal blueballs over here. Also, what is his backstory about? The bad business dealings, being self-employed, living in a house owned by a family member. The only obvious conclusion I can draw from all that is that this guy probably has money problems. Yeah, which does support the he's probably trying to con you and a bunch of widows theory, especially because old widows, they don't make great kidnap victims. Please tell me how you know that. Okay. Well, as you know, I've had many jobs, Gabe. You got to survive. You were kidnapped in Serbia and Mexico, so you learn from the best, clearly.

That's right. No, the real reason I know this, actually. actually, is a friend of mine who I worked with when I was at the embassy in Panama, like 26 years ago. He became obsessed with South America and lived there for a while, and he went to Columbia and he got kidnapped in Colombia, which, by the way, I feel compelled to say, extremely rare that this happens. It used to be common when the FARC was doing its thing in the 80s and 90s or whatever, but in the early aughts, I think, when this happened or mid-a-a-a-ts when this happened, this was not a thing that happened most of the time. And I talked to him at length about it.

And I was like, hey man, you're like 250, 6, 4, 6, 3, why kidnap a 20-something-year-old 6-foot-3 guy who works out? That seems like a very weird choice because you're probably as big as two of the kidnappers put together. And he told me the reason is they actually want someone who can spend, you know, three to six months in a basement and not die. Oh, wow. And has older family members who are willing to pay for their return.

You don't want a 76-year-old woman who's not going to make it three weeks without her Lipitor and 18 issues of readers digest in 2006 laying around. Oh, sorry, I know you were trying to make a serious part, but that killed me at the end. Yeah, no, you're right. That's a really good point. Also, kidnapping, ransom, human trafficking. That's not a game you just randomly get into later in life, is it? Like, are we supposed to believe that this guy was setting up these ventures that went sideways

I don't know, running a small drop shipping business from his house moving around the country, while also casually helping arrange kidnappings for various cartels on the side. That just seems unlikely to me. Yeah. Oh, I tried to run a couple falafel trucks. Well, that didn't work out. So now I befriend neighborhood families, take them birdwatching, and traffic them to the cartel over the U.S. Mexico border.

And that's been working out okay so far, at a couple bites. My turbo tax is a little complicated, but yeah, I'm paying the bills. No, that is a slow bad con. also still possible that we're dealing with a weird, lonely man who's desperate for family and a home-cooked meal, and he's just incredibly clumsy in the way he's going about it. Yeah, but you know what? That's not your problem. So I say, keep your distance. I'm with your dad on this one. Even if he's not a grifter-er, there's something grifter-e about the way he's going about befriending you and your kids and the widows. There's just something forced and transactional about it. And that's weird enough

for me to say, no thank you. Maybe the better question is how do you distance yourself from this guy without hurting him or pissing him off? Well, okay, yeah, I'm a little worried. about that. It doesn't seem like a guy who can read the room or if he can. He doesn't care very much about what he's reading. My strategy would be slow ghost, man, gradually sees communication completely, hope the guy gives up and moves on. And if he doesn't, if he ever gets more aggressive, which I hope he doesn't, then you can think about contacting the police and looking into an order of protection and all that. But let's not worry about that until we have to. But you know, now that I think about it also, if this guy really is a grifter, he's not going to want to piss off

one family in a small neighborhood because word travels fast. So if you shut him down, my guess is he'll just let it go and move on to an easier target. You know, he might say like, oh, I'm hanging out with Ethel more because that family doesn't want anything to do with me. People who shut down con artists, one thing I've learned from doing episodes with former con men or people who specialize in comment, I think Jonathan Walton in his episode said something like this, when somebody is on to the grifter or doesn't want anything to do with them or doesn't get along with them or cuts the plan off at the knees, What happens is the grifter isolates that person and says something like, oh, yeah, no, they're, angry at me, or, you know, we don't get along well, or I'm allergic to their cat so I don't go over there. They don't want to go like, oh, they're mad at me.

Let's, well, well, I want to know why. They figure out a way to sort of isolate that family from them because they don't want people comparing notes. That's their biggest fear. So I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think he's probably just going to move on. Kudos to you for doing a background check, though, and listening to your gut. that's always the right move. Stay safe and good luck. By the way, y'all can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. Try to use descriptive subject lines that makes our job a lot

easier. If you're spinning your wheels trying to rise up at work despite your best efforts or you're struggling to reinvent your identity after a divorce, or you recently discovered that photos of you at a naked bike ride were posted on the internet 10 years later. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Now, we're going to traffic and some shameless consumerism. Grab your bird watching binoculars, because these deals are out of sight. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by PACA.

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You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a rising high school senior in a very conservative town and I am gay and closeted. I've come out to most of my friends and they all support me and are happy for me. I even managed to get a boyfriend in this town. Wow, it's a big deal in a town like this man. Glad you're surrounded by solid people. Good for you. My boyfriend is amazing. He's sharp as attack, super supportive, a great communicator and very cute. Everything I want. The relationship was very healthy. He let me cry on a shoulder about being closeted. We worked through an issue about sex. He wanted to take

it slower than me, so he communicated that to me instead of tiptoeing around the issue. I love him for more than his body, so we took it slower, which was a good choice. While I'm out to my friends, I'm closeted with my parents. Then, recently, I tried to take my boyfriend out to a movie, but before I could, my parents searched my phone because they were suspicious about me going to a movie and found out that I was dating him. So weird, so they were like, oh, you want to go see Toy Story 5? What else are you Holy smokes. Got more than you were bargaining for with those Snapchats, didn't you, Frank and Glenda?

That'll teach you to Snoop in the kid's phone. Everybody knows enjoying popcorn makes you gay. I don't like them putting chemicals in the water. They turn the friggin' frogs gay. Wow. They questioned me for hours about what I had done with him. They called me disgusting after I confessed to making out with him in my truck. They also quoted Bible verses at me about

the sin of homosexuality. Oh, man, all jokes aside, that is awful. I am so sorry, friend. That's just got to, if you can even call it a difficult conversation, it just must have been horrible. I hope you know that, by the way, those are their ideas and not a reflection of you whatsoever. I left the whole experience scarred. I won't ever forget that my own mother called me disgusting. Yeah, that's, oh man, that's heartbreaking. I hate hearing stuff like this. I could never treat my son this way. I could never do it. He goes on. I'm religious and believe that homosexuality is not a son. Well, preach. But I had to break up with my boyfriend. Oh, no, that's a shame. I came to him and told him that I had been outed, and that if he wanted to continue the relationship, there would be less

communication and little to no physicality. I let him decide if he wanted to break up. He wanted to break up. And I told him that I respect his decision. I still have my supportive friends, and for that, I'm appreciative. Man, that's a blessing for sure, but this sucks. That really sucks, man. That hurts. After we broke up, I decided the only thing that would make me happy is getting as far away from my parents as possible. My pathway to that is academics. My plan is to go to college for aerospace and eventually work in aerospace in France, very far away. Hell yeah, man. Now that the cat's out of the bag, I say, go for it. Go full Rockets into Luce Gay. Why hold back now? Rockets and Toulouse.

Why does that paint a picture? I don't even know what picture, but I have it in my mind. He goes on. France would also give my future kids access to better health care, better education, and two passports. So I've been pouring all my energy into school, college classes over the summer, building a portfolio, and two jobs. Wow.

What a vision this guy has. At age 17, that's pretty impressive. Seriously, I'm going to major in astrophysics and work for Airbus and have three adorable children one day who wear berets and get free dental. Well, first of all, there's no dental care in Europe. But yeah, I'm pretty sure actual French people don't wear berets, but I'm having a similar mental picture. My point is he's very ambitious, yes.

Yeah, it's pretty remarkable. I love this about him. Most 17-year-olds can't even decide which park to go smoke weed in tomorrow. So he's way ahead of the game. Pouring everything into a project is a habit of mine. Athletics, the startup I worked on, and now this. Dude, imagine having a son who is this smart, this ambitious, this disciplined,

and you're going to push him out of your life because you can't accept that he's gay. It's just such an unfortunate way to go. Yeah, it is, but that just speaks to the fact that they believe in what they believe so strong. I'm sure they love him and they think that they're helping him, which is heartbreaking also. But yeah, I take your point completely. Could I sustain a relationship while pouring all of my energy into getting out of Dodge? should I try to have a relationship while closeted in an unsupportive household? Is trying to get far away a reasonable response.

What kind of support do I need while I'm still under my parents' roof? And what am I allowed to want? Signed, even though I'm queer, I still got a straight shot out of here. Huh, that one's shorter than usual, but I like it. That was his sign off. I liked it, so I kept it. Yeah, that makes sense. I love this guy's attitude. So, wow, okay, big questions.

First of all, as you can tell, I'm very sad that your parents reacted to your orientation this way. I mean, it's not like you even told them. They snooped and found out and then reacted this way. It's just the worst possible way for this to happen. It's a very painful thing to be condemned and shamed and lectured for just being who you are. Obviously something so many young gay people go through. Again, it's heartbreaking. I'm sure you know that their reaction is only a reflection of their own fears and beliefs, not of you as a human being. I also know that it probably doesn't make it hurt much less. Coming from your parents, this is really painful stuff. It's terrible no matter what, even if you don't blame them. I feel like I'm getting a little emotional here because it's so sad.

Again, I could never treat my kids this way. This is really hard. It's hard to talk to somebody with a completely different worldview, a different understanding of human nature who doesn't want to stop and go, okay, what I'm confronting here doesn't fit with what I believe, what I think should be true, but this is my child. child. So let me at least try to make room for both for just a little while. Some people can do that, and a lot of people can't do that. And I really hope there's a path forward for you guys. I hope they come around one day or that you at least find a way to have some kind of functional

relationship with your parents. But it's possible that they might not ever come around to having a gay son. And if they don't, then your process, which is the process of so many people who are born different from their families, is to bear that sadness and that grief and to know that it does not have to stop you from building a life in an identity that is truly your own. Yeah, I completely agree. That's your birthright, man. I mean, that's all of our birthright, you know. To be ourselves, right? Totally. It's the work of a lifetime. He's already onto it. It's 17 years old, which I think is incredible. So to answer your philosophical question first, yes, of course you're allowed to want whatever you want, as long as you're not seriously harming anyone else. It's a simple,

is that. You're allowed to want to date whoever you want. You're allowed to study whatever you want. You're allowed to live wherever you want. You're allowed to believe whatever you want. Now, there are better and worse people to date, of course. There are more helpful and less helpful degrees and jobs. Gabe, it reminds me of the guy whose parents didn't want him to study astronomy and biology because of their religious beliefs, so they made him study French. So, yeah, there are homes that will support your growth and your goals in different ways. Your beliefs can and should evolve over your life. But all of these things, they're up to you to choose, and the guiding principle is just, am I evolving in positive ways according to the values that I find meaningful, and am I doing so in a way that doesn't seriously harm other people or myself? It's as simple as that. Not always easy, especially when you come from a background like this, but it's simple. Now, about trying to get as far away as possible, we can't tell you for sure if that's a reasonable response. I can't tell if you're asking because moving to France feels like an overcorrection in some way. I mean, your parents hurt you. You don't feel at home in your hometown. I understand that.

So you want to get as far away as possible, both to individuate and maybe also to protect yourself. And that's sort of what France represents for you. Or you're asking this question for the same reason you ask the last one, because it might be scary for you, especially at 17, to say, this is my dream to live in another country and to have this ambitious career. I guess my question for you is, what does reasonable actually mean? Does it mean realistic and achievable? Does it mean actually necessary to achieve the goals I want to achieve? Does it mean fair to my parents? Does it mean a true reflection of what matters to me? Or does it mean like something I'm even allowed to want in the first place? Because those are all different questions and I'd get a little clearer on that.

That's a really good distinction. I feel like he's asking the last thing. am I even allowed to want this in the first place? Which is a question probably that many, if not most 17-year-olds would ask, but maybe a 17-year-old from this background with this family, especially. And so him starting to put these plans into motion is his way of finding out what he's allowed to want. And I think it's probably pretty obvious so far. We think that you're allowed to want whatever you want, as long as it's responsible and reasonable and is your true path. So yes, excellent distinction, Jordan. But also, I don't know how much he needs to interrogate all of this in order to feel confident that he's chasing the right thing.

Obviously, there's something about aerospace and France and all of this that is speaking to him in a very profound way. If he knows in his bones that he's lit up by these things, right? He genuinely loves aerospace. He's excited about learning French and living in Europe and he can envision this fulfilling life with a family in another country, all of that. I mean, yes, it's definitely important to keep checking in with yourself and make sure that this is the right goal to be chasing because your needs and wants might change as you get a little bit older. But the reality is, if it's speaking to you on a cellular level and it fills you with excitement and energy, then it's almost certainly the right path, or at least a right path for you. True. I think we all

know when a gold jibes with something deep inside, yeah. And also, even if he doesn't end up moving to France and working for Airbus or whatever, all of this great work that he's putting in will set him up well for something. You know, maybe he majors in aerospace and he gets a great job at I don't know, Northrop Grumman or whatever. I think they're based in Washington, D.C., right? Or SpaceX and Texas. I'm just making this up. And he loves it, and it gives him just enough distance from his parents and all of these other great things that he can't even predict right now start to happen. He could end up in Germany instead of France, or he could end up teaching at a university instead of working at a company, but it turns out to be the right place and the goal to get to France is what gets him there.

My experience has always been that the real value of a goal is to organize one's energy and create a general trajectory, not necessarily to realize the goal in every single way to call it successful. So more of a North Star than a destination. Yes. I agree. He doesn't need to have it all figured out. He can't. All he needs is to trust that his excitement and his interests are genuine. Yeah, exactly. If those inputs are genuine and he works hard enough, everything will work out as it should. I really do believe that. Amen, man. But maybe the best way to make sure this is reasonable is to make sure that you're not running away from something here. Your parents, your small town, tempting, right? But make sure you're also running towards something, something meaningful,

something compelling. That's always a really good thing to keep an eye on, because otherwise the motivation can be kind of fleeting, right? It won't sustain you. That's how you end up one state over doing something you don't love because it got you just far enough away from all that rather than building an incredible career in another country because you're genuinely lit up about that. Which he does seem to be doing, right? I think so, yeah. But you just have to constantly examine that. You really do.

I'm reading a really beautiful book right now called Missing Out by, I want to say, Adam Phillips. And he talks about this as the difference between getting out from and getting out for. Ooh, I like that. Exactly. There's something powerful about defining yourself by what you do want, not just by what you don't want. 100%. Absolutely. This reminds me of when I'm talking about somebody quitting their job.

And they're like, I should just quit my job and go do X. and it's like, well, okay, do you really just hate your job, or do you really want to go to X because it's more compelling? It's just like the same concept. And he already does seem to be doing that. Now, about this guy in your life, he sounds like a gem. And again, I'm so sorry your parents were an obstacle to you to being together. They won't be for long. Candidly, look, I can't say if you can sustain a relationship while pouring all of your energy into getting out of Dodge. I mean, you make time for what you want to make time for. There's probably a way you could see this guy while you do your courses and apply to colleges and all that. But, I mean, that's

logistics, time management. I don't know. I think what he's really asking is, can I emotionally, energetically chase these two things that will probably be incompatible in the end? Right. Can I chase these two versions of my life at the same time? It's an interesting question. Again, you're going to have to answer it for yourself, but a helpful question to ask yourself now would be with only 24 hours in a day and only so many proverbial f***s left to give, what demands the best of me right now. Is it this guy who might be wonderful and supportive and comforting and all those nice things, or is it my studies and my applications and my career, which will set the foundation for the rest of my life? I realize the way I just framed it, I'm tipping the scales a little here. Maybe that's not

fair. It's probably the parent in me doing that, but my bias is, I do think the latter is probably where you should spend most of your energy, just given your age and your goals. I'm not saying it's going to be wrong to see the guy or that you couldn't find a way to do both. But all I'm saying is look inside, get clear with yourself about what matters most to you right now and what's going to move you closer to the things you truly want. And that's all. And the answer to his other question, should I try to have a relationship while closeted in an unsupportive household? Do you think that will also flow from that question? I do. Yeah, because if he's like, no, the guy's great, but I'm all about Carnegie Mellon and I'm all about getting the Airbus, that takes care of that. And if he's like,

well, this guy's important to me and I want to experience a real romantic relationship of some type while I'm still in high school and I can actually balance the two without shooting myself in the foot, then he'll find a way to see this guy even if his parents disapprove. But it sounds like now they're snooping in the phone and they're just making his life miserable. So you've got to weigh that too, unfortunately. But if you're asking, is it okay for me to keep seeing this guy if my parents disapprove, then I would say, yeah, of course it's okay, but you might have to pay a price for that while you're still living under their roof. It might be stressed. It might be anxiety. It might be sadness. It might be them getting all up in your business. Tension in the house. Periodic lectures from them. I mean,

it's not going to be fun. Right. It might get rocky. But yeah, it doesn't mean he's not allowed to. I mean, in less than a year, he's going to be an adult. He's already mature beyond his ears. For me, I don't know if I could deal with the stress of having to be under my parents' roof while they're snooping through my phone to make sure I'm not still gay. I don't know if I could deal with that. Well, on that note, the support you need while you're still living with them, I would say, good friends, which you already have, amazing, both for emotional support and for guidance. And if you ever need a place to crash, if things get complicated at mom and dad, something like that, friends are great. A therapist would be amazing if you can work with one right now. I know it might be hard

when you're a minor. You're not working. But maybe it's someone else in a similar role, a guidance counselor at school, a trusted teacher. I would say someone from church, if they're a safe person to talk to about all of this. I don't know where you stand with all that. Just, you know, suss them out accordingly. educational resources, meaning teachers and peers and programs that will help you forge a path to this career you want. But more than anything, I would say, anyone who can celebrate your dreams and help you move closer to them, younger, older, personal, professional, platonic, romantic, in your hometown, all the way across the ocean, whatever, your relationships are going to be everything. I totally agree. And I'd be remiss if I didn't shamelessly use this opportunity to say,

dig the well before you're thirsty. Check out the six-minute networking course if you're having trouble or you want some suggestions on how to do that. This is not just about, oh, I want to land a job at this very specific company in three months. This is about finding your way to the people who can help you create the life that you want and whose lives you can touch in the same way. It's a beautiful thing.

Six-minute networking.com. The whole thing is free without shenanigans on me. So look, man, I'm deeply sorry that home is not a completely safe and supportive place for you right now. I know that hurts and frankly, you deserve better. Every kid does. And in a mysterious kind of way, your parents in their ideology,

their rigidity and their ignorance, frankly, they're also serving a powerful function in all this, which is they're inadvertently pushing you to chase the life that you actually want to live. I mean, you're the one who's doing the chasing, and it takes a very resourceful person to convert something like this into fuel, and that's one reason why I'm so proud of you.

But look, it's fascinating to step back and just notice that your parents by rejecting this important part of you, they're actually kind of serving, they're helping you out a little bit here in a way. Man, that is so true. And yeah, to your point, he's making their rejection serve him. Right.

Cudos to him. Which is, I think, kind of beautiful. It's complicated and it's sad, but it is, it's kind of poetic, man. And so my sincere hope for you, although I don't think you need this advice, you're already doing this so well. My hope is that you continue to tap into the courage to pursue the things that light you up and create a life that is rich and meaningful. And I promise, in a couple more years, your parents will play a much smaller role in all of this, possibly no role at all. And at a certain point, you'll just be an adult making the right choices for himself. So good luck, my friend.

I know you're going to go very far, sending you a big hug and wishing you all the best. Let's have coffee and Toulouse in a couple years, bro. Also, in case you don't know, there's a subreddit for our show. If you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, episodes you like, episodes you don't like, dank memes about the show. Share it all on the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. All right. Grab your gayest tub of popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the fabulous.

great deals and discounts on the products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. I started Or Not in 2013 and we make bike apparel. The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non-technical people. We're able to admin everything on the back end, front end, and sell things online easily. If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually be the bicycle. It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on Shopify.com. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and find our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do. That is take a moment, support the sponsors.

They're all searchable and clickable on the website at Jordanharbinger.com slash deals. If that doesn't work, you can email me, Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. We'll dig up that code for you. Thank you for supporting those who support the show. It really does keep the lights on around here, and we love creating these for you. Now, the rest of Feedback Friday. All right, time for the recommendation of the week. I am addicted to lit filler.

Y'all know I'm obsessed with great tech accessories and charging ports and stuff like that. Then I found the anchor, which is one of my favorite brands for stuff like this, the Anchor Prime three port charger. So this is, it's very unsexy, right? It's a little plug that plugs into the wall, and it has three USBC ports on it. But I used to carry five different plugs in my backpack. You know, I got an adapter from my Applevision. I got a phone charger.

I got a watch charge. I got a da-da-da. Now you don't need the part that plugs into the wall, and you just have this one. And here's the thing. Most of us, when we charge a device, gens like this, because most people, well, most people are. They don't look at wattage and stuff. Let's say you go to a hotel and they got USB ports in the wall.

You're like, oh, I'll use this to charge my phone. That thing is like 5 watts, 7 watts, maybe 15 if you're lucky. Your phone can charge at 30, 35 watts, maybe even something more. Or you try it with your computer, and you're like, why is the battery draining even when it's plugged in? this thing, the Anchor Prime 3-port charger, it'll say, oh, your computer's drawing 65 watts. I'm going to give it 65 watts. And your phone wants 35 watts. I'm going to give it 35 watts.

And your Apple Watch needs 5 watts. I'm going to give it 5 watts. This thing can put out 160 watts, which is more than any laptop charger, generally speaking, at least standard laptops, gaming laptops are a little thursdayer. It can put out 160 watts, 140 on any given channel. So you're really charging every device at the absolute math. It works great on airplanes, too, if you've ever been like, I want to plug in my phone, but I also want to plug in my laptop.

Now you don't have to carry your laptop charger, your phone charger. You just carry this one thing, and you plug all your USBC cords into it, and you fast charge much faster. Jen was like, why do you need this? You already have these little chargers. We already have adapters. We don't need this. As soon as she saw how fast my stuff was charging, I'd come back from breakfast and all my

devices are charged up, and she needed like three more hours plugged into the wall. She bought one immediately. my brother-in-law heard about it, bought one immediately. His fiancee heard about it, bought one immediately. We cleared out the anchor store in Dali China. And I recommend it. It's available here as well. It's currently on sale, depending on when you're listening to this, and the link is in the show notes.

All right. Next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. We recently had an HVAC company come and install a new unit. While working, they stepped on a sprinkler and flooded my entire house. 95% of the house will require renovation. and we lost around 90% of our things as well. Oh my gosh.

Wow, what a nightmare. Okay, I thought like, oh, it damaged our hardwood floors. No, they lost all of their belongings. I mean, this literally flooded the house. This is crazy. The company took the fault and said they would pay for everything, including hotels and expenses. But we've already incurred over $2,000 in debt on our personal credit cards,

and the company keeps saying that they are, quote, unquote, making a plan to pay us. My point of contact doesn't answer the phone, and the company overall does not communicate. My homeowner's insurance will only cover $30,000 of additional expenses. For a four to eight month renovation, this would not even be enough to cover alternate housing. I'm crying every day,

and so stressed out I wake up at 4 a.m. and poorer over what other actions I can take. My daughter is eight years old and is devastated at the loss as well, constantly asking me, when can we go home? We're meeting with lawyers, and my insurance is so helpful, but I don't understand how this company can say that they'll do right by us, and then leave us hanging. I know accidents happen, but the way they've handled the aftermath has made everything worse.

I don't know how to get them to understand that my life has been affected, and I'm racking up debt that I shouldn't have to deal with. What would you do? Should I blast them on socials and make sure people know they suck? Do I hire a lawyer and sue them? Or should I wait and see what happens? Do I have any other options? signed totally gutted and increasingly red-blooded after my house and my mood was accidentally flooded. What a cluster. Getting secondhand homeowner stress over here. I'm very sorry you guys are going through this. I know what it's like to wake up at 4 a.m. and think, like, oh my gosh, what am I doing wrong? Or what else can I do? That's peak anxiety. It's just not a good feeling. It's not sustainable. When I had that because of business stuff, I lost a ton of weight.

Guys were like, oh, you look so good. I'm like, yeah, I stopped eating. You know, like it's not ideal. To lose your home and all your stuff, okay, it's just stuff. Yeah, you have everything that matters. But man, it's still a blow. It's a massive disruption. It's a huge administrative burden, I'm sure, between the paperwork and the phone calls and all that. And then the company not communicating well with you guys, I mean, that just sucks, too.

Honestly, I don't know if they're being shady or they're disorganized or they're just in way over their heads. I mean, to be fair, this mistake, it probably was a huge financial blow to them, too, especially if it's a mom and pop HVAC company. Maybe they're circling the drain now and they're freaking out trying to stay alive and make a plan to pay you, but whatever's going on with them, you and your family deserve a lot better.

So to say the least, my heart goes out to you guys. I do think at this stage, the best thing you can do is find a lawyer to advise you and work closely with them and your insurance company to come up with a plan.

It sounds like you're kind of already doing this. I don't know if this needs to become a lawsuit, not yet anyway. My feeling, as you know, lawsuits really should be a last resort. People think that they're easy. I'm not saying you do, but a lot of times people think, oh, it's easy. You just sue them and you win and get the money. No, you already have a huge headache on your hands. I would not jump straight into creating another one for yourself. But hey, look, maybe your lawyer could draft an official, scary looking letter

to the HVAC company, just reminding them of their obligations to you. Maybe that'll make them take you more seriously. And if they still won't return your calls, well, then your lawyer can advise you and whether it's worth getting more aggressive in filing something, forcing a response. That'll come down to dollars and cents and whether there's a clear timeline for getting reimbursed. Also, y'all know I love putting bad companies on blast. But look, you're at the stage where your insurance company's involved, potentially a lawyer to, I probably would not drag the company on social media just yet. If your insurance is making progress behind the scenes on a plan to reimburse you and you jump on Yelp,

like, hey, this company destroyed my house, they're all A-holes who don't care about their customers. I'm hiring a lawyer and suing them. I don't know. That could maybe undo some progress or erase at least any goodwill that you've built. It'll make the company feel like you're not engaging in good faith and all you're going to do is discharge your anger for a day or two and nothing's going to change. But down the line, if this whole thing drags out more than it should or it goes completely sideways, maybe that's appropriate. I would just hit pause on the impulse to do that for now. So yeah, I do think you need to wait and see what happens. You've got to be patient as hard as it is, but I would still be proactive and engaged along the way,

meaning when your insurance company sends you paperwork to fill out, fill it out quickly, cleanly, get it back, ASAP, don't sleep on that stuff. When your lawyer calls you, don't wait three days to call them back, hit them back right away, keep the ball rolling, stay in touch with the HVAC company in an appropriate way, keep the lines of communication open however you can. Also, stop calling their phone, and if you do document, tried to call, didn't answer.

I would send an email if you do call that says, I tried to call you, but no answer. Here's my email. Because you want a record. You know, if this does go to court and they go, oh, we haven't even heard from her. We didn't even know she was upset. Now the damages are huge and she never notified us. No, no, no, no. You want to be able to go, I've emailed you every week for eight months and you called me back four times, said, oh, we need more time and now I'm suing you. You don't want the judge to go, well, I don't know, it's her word against theirs. Track all of your expenses in a spreadsheet. keep good notes, stay on top of all your credit cards, remind your contact at your insurance company

every so often that you're taking on the debt personally, and they need to resolve this as soon as possible for both your sakes. If you get the sense of your insurance is asleep at the wheel, or the HVAC company is completely ghosting you hoping you'll just go away, then you touch base with the lawyer and you tell them what's going on and you see what they say. If you need help float in these expenses, maybe you get creative, maybe you get, I hate recommending this, but it's real. You get a 0% APR credit card for a year, year and a half. You put the expenses there without the interest. You get a home equity line of credit at a decent rate.

Just be super on top of the bill. Make sure you pay things off when the time comes, hopefully with the insurance money or the HVAC reimbursement. If you need to manage your finances more carefully for a little while to survive this, that's what you do. That's being proactive as well. The point is getting through this chapter, it's going to be half surrender and half pushing at the same time.

your goal is to get these people to reimburse you as soon as possible so that you can rebuild your house. That's it. So make that your North Star marshal all your energy toward that goal. In the meantime, take a deep breath, be patient, trust that this will get resolved one day, hopefully soon. For sure. The worst part of this has got to be the uncertainty, even more than the money. Always, right? It's the not knowing that kills you. It's the what ifs. Yep. How long will this go on? Is the company really going to honor its promises? Where are we going to live? Are we going to be on the street? know, are we going to be okay? She's asking some good practical questions, like how do I move this along? But I think what she's really asking is how do I deal with this? Like, how do I deal with the

anxiety and the anger and the fear every day? For sure, it's all part of it. It's interesting. A few days ago, I was catching up with a friend of mine. Actually, you know her, Jordan. This is one of our old friends. We were talking about this recently who lost her home in the Palisades Fire and she and her husband have two kids and she went through exactly what our friend here is going through, the panic, the dread, the stress, the confusion about where to go, what to do first, what to let go of, you know, and she was so angry, all of it. And then she went through a period of, okay, we're okay, basically, there's this huge problem happening in the background of our lives and we have no idea what getting back to, you know, where we were is going to look like, is it going to be one year,

is it going to be two years, is it going to be five years or more? Like, is the insurance, is really going to find the money to make us all whole, which, as you know, with these fires is a massive problem. Is the city going to approve the permits to rebuild? Do we want to find another place in LA knowing this could happen again? You know, should we move? Like so many questions, huge questions. You know, what school do we put the kids in? It was just endless. Ugh, what a nightmare. So much harder when you have kids. I get that stress. I, yeah, I really do. Just so many huge questions and not much information. But then she was telling me how a couple months in, she and her husband turned a corner. They kind of had to turn a corner. And that corner was,

okay, there's literally nothing we can do here except fill out paperwork and wait. So we're going to just accept what's happening, as awful as it is, and we're going to treat this like an experiment, because what else can we do? And what they ended up doing is they moved to another city for a month, I think, and then they moved to another country for the rest of the year, and they put their kids in a new school, and they rented a little house, and they made a bunch of new friends, and they did their jobs in a new way and they got to have some cool side travel and they found out what a lot of people find out when they lose something really big, which is this is terrible and it's not just terrible, you know, we also gained this experience and we taught the kids that important quality and we grew a ton

and we're so grateful for what we do have. Now, I'm just going to state the obvious. That is easier for some people than for others. Financially, of course, that's, you know, one of the biggest factors. Logistically, if you have children or you live in a certain place, you have a sick parent, you know, that limits your options, of course. Emotionally, it can be hard. I'm not saying you guys need to move to Italy or whatever for six months in order to survive this. My point is just that whether this is easy or whether it's hard, your basic options remain

the same. Either you get angry and freak out and rage constantly for the next six months or a year, or you give yourself over to this process and you focus on what you can control and you let go of the rest and you just allow yourself to play with some new possibilities that the situation is serving up, whatever that looks like for you. I mean, there are so many interesting options here. They could stay with different friends for a few months. They could rent an RV and do a road trip over the summer.

They could post on Facebook that they need a temporary home and see what happens. But yeah, there are actually people who, this Jen's friend does this all the time. There are people that go, oh, I'm going to be moving temporarily for a job posting to Texas. I want somebody in my Long Island house, no pay, but obviously you stay at my house. for free. So she's always staying in these nice, fancy houses all over the tri-state area. She just stays there for free and works remotely or commutes if she's close enough to the city. And they're amazing places that she could never afford. And it's funny because she has a place in the city. And I'm like, why is Elizabeth taking a place on Long Island? And Jen's like, oh, here's some photos.

And it's like these amazing homes. And the owner's just like, yeah, I have to go work in Spain for three months and I don't want to leave my house unattended. Yeah, it's a perfect example. They would love to have a family there because then it means it's not a 20-something year old having parties in their home while they're gone. I mean, a family is almost like the ideal people to come and house it for you, especially if it's going to be like something long term. And you can say, hey, I'm doing a good turn because they're essentially going through a hard time. I mean, that kind of stuff works out more often than you might think. But yeah, it's hard to be playful when all your energy is going to some angry Yelp review you're going to leave or whatever. Exactly.

That's exactly right. But being playful also means focusing on what is in front of you and only what is in front of you and not letting your mind travel to the past, to the flood, which already happened, so there's nothing you can do about it, or to fixate on the future to all of these terrible things that might or might not happen, which even if they do happen, are literally impossible to solve right now. Yep, ye old bureaucratic Buddhism, exactly. Exactly, yeah. Zen and the art of HVAC maintenance, I guess. Yeah.

This is a really interesting test for her. She's going through a version of what I went through with the business reset, like I said before, right? She's going, oh my God, we're racking up all this debt, the insurance might not pay us out, the HVAC company might refuse to play ball, we might never get our house back, what's going to happen to us? I totally understand that. I'd be having the same thought, but you can't talk to a company next week. You can't pay a credit card bill that might or might not come in nine months. You can't make yourself feel better next year.

Maybe these are real problems. Maybe they're not. But if they are real problems, they're going to be a problem then and not now. And one thing I did is I sucked every what if into this is happening to me right now and stopped eating for two weeks and stopped sleeping for two weeks. And I know you're doing the same thing. It's easier said than done, but you got to stop doing that. It's that great Marcus Aurelius quote. I think about it all the time.

Do not disturb yourself by picturing your life as a whole. Yeah, I love that one. I can't say I always live by it, of course, but he's absolutely right. It's a hard one to live by. The mind wants to live life all at once, even though that is so absurd. And it wants to be everywhere all at once. It wants to do everything all at once. It wants to be in the end zone when you're still at the starting line.

But if you can keep coming back to the tiny slice of life that is right in front of you now, you will be amazed by what you can deal with. This idea has changed my life, and it's made everything, whether it's something fun like the travels or something. you know, really problematic, like something goes sideways and you have to deal with something for six months. It's made everything so much easier. For sure. And it can be really hard to be disciplined like that, but if you really stop and think about it, it's actually the easier thing to do. The other way is much harder. I also think that if you can find a way to handle this chapter with a little more ease,

you're going to give your daughter a great gift, which is showing her how to move through these losses. If she sees you constantly melting down, crying, panicking, getting angry, she's probably going to get the message that that's how an adult is supposed to respond to adversity. You know, like she's going to get the message you have to suffer in order to be effective. If she sees you crying now and again and then, you know, like thrown up your hands and laughing and focusing on whatever task is in front of you and then going right back to enjoying your evening with her and staying open to new experiences and asking for help when you needed and being grateful for what you have, she's going to learn how to survive these things in a very different way.

So when your daughter says when can we go home, maybe you tell her, I know you miss our home, I miss it too. I don't know when this is all going to be fixed again. We got to be patient, but I promise I'm working hard to make that happen. And while we wait for all of these people to come help us, let's make a home wherever we go, you and me. I know it's uncomfortable. I know it's weird and different.

It's okay if you get sad or angry. I get sad and angry too sometimes. But we have everything we need and we're going to be okay. I really like that. Gabe, it's cool to think about how it's. child will hear that. She's not saying, don't be sad. Be grateful for what we have. End of story. She's saying, look, we can be sad, we can be angry, we can be scared, and. Yes, that and is everything. Yes, the power of end. So I hope that gives you a few new angles here. Life's weird, man.

Accidents happen. Things get destroyed. We go through periods of frustration and uncertainty. I wish it was not happening to you. I'm sure you feel the same way. And yet this is what's happening. And since it's happening, you really only have one rational choice. The alternative is to just be flattened by and defined by this loss. And let's also take a moment to remember that you have everything that truly matters. You have your lives, your child is safe, you have some kind of roof over your heads, you have food and water, you have the ability to sit down and tell us your story. That's the headline. I'm not minimizing how stressful this is. It's stressful, but don't forget to make room for other feelings alongside it. Sending y'all a big hug and wishing you all the best.

Go back and check out Danny Bate if you haven't done so yet. Show notes and transcript. on the website, advertisers, discounts, and ways to support the show. Also on the website at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show has created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird,

Tadasidlowskis, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, and I was never a good lawyer. so consult a qualified professional before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn.

And we'll see you next time. The most powerful longevity tool may not be in a supplement bottle or high-tech clinic. It might be the simple movement most of us barely think about. So I have plenty of patients that are in chronic pain. People's feet are weak. The footwear is compromising the function of their feet. And this is what we get. One out of three people over the age of 45 have foot pain.

People don't pay attention to their feet. We talk about, you know, meeting people where they are. Getting to 5,000 steps a day decreases the risk of depression. This is a very, very big thing that I think should be on every prescription pad. That sweet spot is about 7 to 8,000 steps a day. a day. That's game-changing. You got to put the work in. You know, you have to put the work in for anything that's worth doing. Getting outside and having that repetitive motion, we're stimulating neurotransmitters in our brain. We're decreasing cortisol. You're increasing your parasympathetic

state, which is the chill state. These are all very, very good things. If you start paying attention to this stuff, it will save you so much in the long run, because I see people every single day they cannot walk because something hurts because of foot pain every single day. My goal is to keep people walking as much as they want to as they age, and that's going to happen by making sure that their foot is strong. Please pay attention to your feet. Look at them. Can you move your toes?

Can you splay your toes? And if not, start to work on things to improve the strength of your foot. Wear a shoe that's more functional that respects the anatomy of your foot. If you do just those things, you'll probably stay out of my office. Check out episode 1322 with Dr. Courtney Conley reveals how a few strategically timed steps can add healthier years to your life. Quick break to tell you about a free podcast app worth checking out, available on both iOS and Android. If you're still using one of the built-in podcast apps, it might be time to upgrade to something better like CastBox. It's got a clean look, easy navigation, features that actually make listening easier.

More than 100,000 of our listeners already subscribed to the show there on CastBox. So a lot of you might already know how good it is. One thing I really care about in a podcast app is Strong Search, and CastBox does that really well. It makes it easy to find exactly the shows and episodes you want. I routinely use it for show prep to find specific episodes. Whether you're searching for a specific guest, a topic you're into, or an episode you want to revisit. You can also personalize your listening experience by creating playlists without downloading the episodes, organize your subscriptions, save episodes for later.

Best of all, it's completely free and ad-free, which makes the whole experience a lot more enjoyable. Download CastBox today. Subscribe to the Jordan Harbinger Show, of course, and leave us a conversation. Comment while you're there. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way.

Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast, focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the best benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not, the through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work itch, search for something you should

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