The Jordan Harbinger Show - 173: How to Make Life Purposeful for the Terminally Ill | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: March 15, 2019

Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now, let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Recently, your daughter's 15-year-old friend got pregnant. Should you keep your daughter away from her? With inoperable stage four pancreatic cancer, your father may not have long to live. How can you fill his remaining time with purpose? How can you be comfortable around someone who seemingly reads your mind by body language, microexpressions, and tonality? While you want to open up around others, social events have you in the corner hiding inside your shell. How can you coax yourself out to mingle? You're in your 30s and you can keep working locally at a safe, consistent job that pays well, but you're really yearning for a chance to live and work abroad. A few years from now, which choice are you most likely to regret not making? The company where you've worked for 15 years has expanded and you'd like to keep working for it -- but on the other side of the country. Should you keep this to yourself until your plans are more concrete, or should you tell your local office boss as soon as possible? You're moving from California to the UK on a plane and you're wisely taking your cat with you in the cabin. But she can be loud when she's nervous; what happens if you wind up sitting next to someone who hates cats? What's the protocol? You knew someone who could have helped you redirect your career momentum, but you've let the connection lapse and now you feel awkward about reconnecting. Is it too late to reach out? Life Pro Tip: Whenever you recall a painfully embarrassing memory, imagine the Seinfeld theme playing over it. Recommendation of the Week: Bohemian Rhapsody A quick shoutout to Jamie Sparks! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! The...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFilippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. And this week, we had Charlemagne the God. He's a regular on the show. He's back talking about anxiety. And well, there's a lot to this conversation, honestly. You can't really keep Charlemagne corralled on one topic, nor would you want to. Always a fun guest, always super interesting, charismatic and fun. So check out that Charlemagne episode. And we had my friend Clinton Watts, who, Jason, this guy is so interesting. He basically chases terrorists online, but it's kind of like a public thing. So he's engaging with them on social media. He's tracking their recruitment efforts. And he started off as a social engineer. And now he specializes in things like generating rapport, getting into dialogues with these guys and having them discredit themselves.

And then, of course, he's going through and discussing the Russian troll issue and how social media contributes to all this really interesting episode from one of the very few experts in the world. on that subject. Absolutely fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Also, I write every so often on the blog, one of the latest posts anyway, is about how to form a strong opinion, not just dig your heels in and decide everyone else is wrong, but how to form a qualified strong opinion. Because I think a lot of opinions now are formed based on emotion. We dig in. We are very quick to form an opinion that maybe we're unqualified to have, and then we just hold on for dear life when really what we should be doing is slowly forming opinions and then making them very easy to let go of when we're presented

with evidence to the contrary. So I wrote a whole piece about this. It's actually quite in-depth, and that's at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. So of course, if you're looking to become a better thinker, some of these articles, we really do go in depth. And the deep dives are based on those, but of course the nuance is all in the written word. So that's what we've got this week. So go back and listen to those two guests and go back and grab that article, how to form a strong, opinion makes for a good airport lounge read of course our primary mission is to pass along our guests experience and our insights and experiences to you in other words the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you that's what we're going to do today here on feedback

friday it's what we do every friday of course you can reach us friday at jordan harbinger dot com and you know the past couple weeks have been really interesting i'm not sure how much i'm supposed to say about this so i'm going to keep it pretty vague but essentially myself and chase hughes who you've heard of on So we started training, we started doing some corporate training for some pretty interesting folks that are not your typical industry. And they're namely personal protection, so bodyguard to the layman. And this is like some Silicon Valley royalty here. So it was really interesting to hear these issues that these guys and gals, these agents are dealing with.

And we're going to be opening up the training, not the same class, of course, because these guys are kind of like low-key, naturally. but we're going to be opening up similar courses to civilians in the future as well. So that's going to be pretty damn cool because Chase and I are tag teaming this class and it's just been really, really fun. We're going to be doing several dates a year and we've got some military and law enforcement courses coming up as well. But the civilian stuff, we can easily adapt. So I think it's going to be a lot of fun and I'm really looking forward to that. So if you are not in the email list, go to six-minute networking, do that free course. go to Jordan Harbinger.com slash course,

and you can sign up for six-minute networking that used to be level one. I no longer have anything to do with advanced human dynamics or the level one course. So six-minute networking replaces that. And the reason I left ADHD, among other reasons,

is because I'm going to be doing this. So pretty exciting. Get on the list if you're interested in our events and our free stuff. And yeah, that's what we got to look forward to. It should be a pretty interesting year. This year and next, we just have so much stuff coming up.

And almost all of it's really fun. So can I go sign up for this course and become like Zuckerberg's personal bodyguard? I'm not sure that I delivered. If that's what you took away from the previous couple of paragraphs there, then I have failed. Okay. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey guys, my daughter's friend is 15 years old. Recently, she got pregnant.

Should I keep my daughter away from her? Thanks, concerned Papa. So this is a kind of a crazy question because, of course, my gut is like, oh my God, that's way too young, what's going on? and, you know, fact it is. But I don't really think ostracizing those people when this happens is good. And so I bounced this off a couple of friends who had kids really young.

And a friend of a friend, she got pregnant at, like, age 14. And she is a productive adults, nice, upstanding member of society. She was plenty careful. I mean, look, she was sexually active at age 14, so there's that. But it was her first boyfriend. They used protection.

It broke, didn't know what to do. get poorly educated by the parents, frankly. And a lot of her friends started to dwindle away. She felt really lonely. It was really painful in a very unnecessary way. The friends that stuck by her side, they're still her friends now, and none of them ever got pregnant.

In fact, she served as kind of a first line warning. Like, hey, yeah, you're getting attention. Yeah, you're getting some stuff here, but your life has changed massively. You can't hang out anymore. You've got all this work to do. You've got all these expectations. like your lifestyle is taking a major downgrade.

So all of her friends stuck by her. They're her friends now. And I think that everybody in that circle came away with a serious dose of reality because there was kind of no, it wasn't this glorified, oh, Shelly's pregnant, let's fawn over her. It was like, oh, man, you know,

everybody took it pretty seriously. So I think you don't have to keep your daughter away from this friend if everything else is more or less in order. Now, this could be a weather, there's smoke, there's fire situation, and then that's something totally different, right? Like, if this is a person who's already getting into trouble, has eight billion different boyfriends, is getting in trouble, and then this pregnancy thing is just kind of the last straw, it's not about the pregnancy. It's about the fact that she's poorly parented, right? But if this is just kind of a fluke and this isn't otherwise nice girl, nice family, then I don't see any need to isolate the daughter.

Absolutely. I don't think she should be isolated at all. It's her friend. She was her friend before then, so why shouldn't she be her friend after that? Yeah. And she's going to need the support as much as she can now that she has this issue. And your daughter can learn from this. I don't see this as anything bad or wrong.

Things happen. This is life. So why would you want to keep her away from her? Unless, like Jordan said, that there are other red flags behind it. But if there aren't, then absolutely not. Do not keep your daughter away from it. Yeah. I mean, it's, look, it's an individual parenting choice, but if she's 15 and goes to your

freaking church and you've known her since she was a kid and this is a fluke, that's one thing. But if this is the latest and a stint of shenan, total, a run of shenanigans, then this is a good final straw, right? Yeah, yeah. But if it's not, then I would stay out of it. I would absolutely stay out of it. And it's a great way to educate your daughter on, this is what happens, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, if you're not careful. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, additionally, I think women who get pregnant at a young age turn into mature young women earlier because of the level of responsibility. Hopefully they do, that is. And that actually is the kind of friend you'd probably want your daughter to have in the first place. All right, next step. Hi, Jordan. This week, my father was diagnosed with inoperable stage four pancreatic cancer. I know, not that most uplifting of topics. I never thought I would be here, but here we are.

After days of endless research, I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that the next few months can quickly become bleak. He employs my mom, and I'm extremely worried about her if he were to pass. The hospital messed up and misdiagnosed him a few months ago. I'm considering a lawsuit to help get her by financially. To make matters worse, I started a business with him just two months ago, and am banking on this to help take care of my mom into her old age. I'm not giving up and I'm continuing to apply to clinical trials and work with him on his lifestyle habits to keep him as healthy as possible. We have him at one of the best hospitals in the world, and the doctors seem to have no solution other than chemo and radiation until you die. I just can't accept this. The idea that he may not

get to meet his grandchildren absolutely destroys me. What can I do to keep him with a sense of purpose? If this were you, how would you prepare for the next few months? And should I pursue a lawsuit against the hospital to help my mom. Are you aware of any alternatives to the chemo and die protocol for recurrent pancreatic cancer? From the sad question of this week's Feedback Friday. So I'm really sorry to hear this. This is truly awful.

Devastating. Yeah. And so I really do feel for you and him for that matter. Oh, it's just terrible. I think where I would start is ask him what he wants to do with the last few months. it might, you know, I hate to put it this way, but it might not be working on this business that's brand new. It just might not be, you know. He, maybe it is. That again, maybe it is. Preparing for death is no easy task. And I actually recommend, I heard about this from Michael Pollan who

talked to earlier on the show last year about his book is called How to Change Your Mind. It's about psychedelics. And one of the things that he had mentioned on the show and in the book was psychedelic therapy. You've got to go to the right person, but studies have shown that MDMA, silocybin, aka magic mushrooms, can be really helpful for families, especially the patient, when dealing with the prospect of death. And it is in the book, How to Change Your Mind. We'll link to that. There are also some resources, deathwithdignity.org about this subject as well. And there's a documentary that we will link in the show notes as well. It's called a new understanding, the science of psilocybin. And so what the psychedelics do is just kind of give patient and family a little bit

of a perspective that you won't get. And from what I understand, it helps tremendously with grief. Tremendously. Now, the lawsuit element, perhaps, but I would focus on this a little bit later. You can get the attorney now in case they need something from your dad, like a statement or, you know, an account or whatever. But otherwise, I really feel like your remaining time, his remaining time, is better spent with the family. Your time is better spent with your dad enjoying your time together, not stressing out in the waiting room

of a law office. Amen. You know what I mean? It's just, yeah, and a lawyer could always go, yeah, we'll see what we can do, and then you're spending all this time there, and then it turns out that you can't do squat,

and you just spent five days talking to an attorney. It's just, it sucks, you know? When you do get a lawyer, get a contingency attorney, reason being, if you don't have a case, a contingency lawyer won't, take it. So a regular lawyer, I'd like to think that many of them are more ethical than this, but a regular lawyer will almost certainly take your money and give it a shot. But a contingency

lawyer will say no thanks unless you've got some chance of winning. Now it'll cost you. Unless there's a meat on the bone, you know. Yeah, right. He can see that there's a there's a path to win. Right. If he doesn't see that, he's never going to take the case. So that is kind of a litmus test for your case going forward. Right. It can be. Yeah. And look, a contingency lawyer will cost you. They often charge like 40% if they win, but the percentage, one, it's almost always negotiable, and two, you won't go out of pocket. You're not going to spend the money that you would have spent on your mother and your family and your business on an attorney that's just taking you for a ride.

Negotiate the percentage first. Don't wait until you win and go, just kidding. I don't want to give you a 40. I want to give you a 25. That's not going to happen. You know, you have to do that up front. As for the medical stuff, look, I'm not sure on this. I don't want to be discouraging, but frankly, if,

Steve Jobs couldn't beat pancreatic cancer with all his resources. It's going to be a challenge. And I cannot imagine how you feel. But I would spend as much time as possible enjoying your relationship with your father and the family rather than chasing cures around the country. Yeah, I do want to jump in here because you did mention Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs did come out and say that he screwed up. He was going after these holistic cures and all of these, you know, just like, oh, I'm just going to eat vegetables and all this crap instead of going to a real doctor. at the end he came out and said to his friends that yeah i screwed up so as long as you're at the best

hospital that you can get him to i think you're going to be in the best care just don't go after you know these weird cures don't go down the steve jobs road because you know he spent way too much time doing acid and hanging out in india and it bit him in the butt yeah well the acid came before that but yeah he spent a lot of time just with like frutarian diets and stuff yeah yeah which is not it turns out is not a really good thing. But he also, like, even after he got the liver transplant, he still tried to do that kind of thing. And it turns out that that is really not the best way to go.

Modern medicine actually is the best route. Go figure. Yeah. Yeah. There's a reason for it. I know it's a little gauche, but, you know, doctors, turns out, a lot of them know what they're talking about. Yeah.

Additionally, I would say, take some time each day and have your dad teach something to his unborn grandkids. So tell stories about his life. joke around, record the whole thing on video, even an iPhone or whatever is fine. And you could do this for like 20 or 30 minutes a day. That will turn into hours of amazing footage over the next few months,

and you can watch that stuff for years to come. It will deepen your relationship with your dad. You can watch it with your kids. I mean, it's going to be really, really cool stuff to have later on especially, and it's going to be really interesting and fun to create it as well. So I would say just schedule that.

You know, get it done in the morning. Wake up, brush teeth, hang out, get some breakfast, mic him up with a lavalier and record some stuff. Even in your living room, it doesn't matter. You know, it'll be a really interesting process. And you'll be left with something that you couldn't buy that sort of immortalizes your dad forever. Yeah.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's really, really tragic to hear this. No, it's terrible. And it's terrible. And it's, you know, just, it's life, unfortunately. You know, we all have to deal with it. I do recommend checking out Randy Pauch's, the last lecture, if you want to get some insight on some questions that you can ask your dad for his future grandchildren that he may not get to

meet. Hopefully, you know, hopefully he's going to come through it and he's going to get to meet him. That is the best way to think about things. But if he doesn't, it's best to have this stuff on tape so he can talk to them and just be able to pass on some of his wisdom, not just to his grandkids, but also to you. Because you know that there are things that you haven't talked about that you have, you know, swept under the rug over the years that you probably want to get cleared up. But definitely check out the last lecture from Randy Pausch. It's really good.

And it's one of those things where we've actually talked about this on Feedback Friday before. It's like I would love to sit down with my dad every Sunday and just get his stories. So I have them for when he's gone. Because someday it's going to happen. Someday it's going to happen. And unfortunately for sad question of the week, it looks like it might be sooner than later. but definitely prepare for that. You know, prepare for, like, plan for the best, prepare for the worst.

So in the end here, look, we're pulling for you. I hope everything works out. If you ever come to the Bay Area or need anything in the Bay Area, use us as a resource. You know, I feel like every other, every fifth doctor around here does some sort of psychedelic therapy up here in the Bay. This is like the HQ for that. So if you need some idea of where something is or whatever, you know, give us, shoot us a mail.

We're happy to help wherever we can. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to Jordan Harbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. All right, Jason, what's next? Dear Triple J, I'm working in a large firm, and one of the colleagues on my team is extremely adept at reading micro-expressions, body language, and tonality, such that it almost feels like mind-reading.

I came to this conclusion from the time when a few of us played a board game during lunch, and he was able to guess everything about me correctly. I suspected him of somehow cheating, but couldn't find any evidence. He told me that day that he was just very observant. It's not just that time, but at various times he was able to tell me how I was feeling or make very accurate gauges about my thoughts on different work-related matters. He's not a bad guy, but I couldn't help but feel intimidated and anxious around him, as I feel I'm not able to hold my thoughts privately when I'm around him. To me, he's literally like a mini version of Darren Brown, whom you had on the show recently.

Actually, to me, he sounds like Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, interesting. Yeah. Can you suggest any advice on how I can work with someone that can seemingly read my mind on everything without feelings of intimidation or anxiety. You're sincerely born and be read. This is really, really interesting. I very rarely meet people like this.

Maybe he's trained in it or maybe it's natural. I know I remember reading Dr. Paul Ekman who sort of advanced the original theory of micro-expression. He said there's something like, I don't know, one in a few, every few hundred people. I can't remember what it is, like one in 600 or some super small number of people. Yeah, it's really small that are naturals. Yeah. They're called, I can't remember what they're called readers or some generic term, but they can basically spot all of this stuff with like 100% accuracy or close to it

and have never been trained. And maybe he's one of those. It's really, really cool if that's the case, that those people are super intuitive seeming when they're really just observant. This person said they're observant, which is even more unusual, that they seem to know what they're looking at and what they're looking for. It's probably more a curse for him than a blessing, though, because imagine how he feels knowing how other people feel about him or about, like, hey, what do you think of my clothes? And everyone's like, you're like, oh, crap.

You know, you kind of wish that maybe you didn't see what everybody's opinion was or what everybody's mood was. Because remember, it's not, most people's emotions are not about you. So you're basically seeing everyone's inner monologue of crap all the time. Definitely. I don't know if I would want that. That's got to be horrible. Yeah, it's kind of like having a super sense of smell, and then you have to ride the subway to work every day.

No thanks. Gross. You know? So, look, I look at it this way. It's fine if people can read me. I'm good with that. I don't know what you're worried about in this. I guess I don't really, you don't have a reason to hide your feelings.

You know, this is liberating. Now you can't hide your feelings. So try being as honest as possible while remaining polite just in life in general. I do this, and I think you'll really enjoy it. Jason, I feel like someone reading me, it's a great excuse to just be like, you know what, I'm going to stop trying to be, I'm going to stop trying to front. Yeah, I mean, seriously, unless he's like habitually hiding things from this guy, which he shouldn't be, you know, it's just like you can be completely open and honest with somebody because you know that they can sense.

They have the, they have the spiky sense, you know? So why not just be completely open and honest, which might make for an amazing friendship because on the, you know, this guy has been dealing with people who have been lying to him his whole life because he can smell it out. out. So if you're going to be the one guy that shows up every day and just says it like it is, how awesome would that be for him and how great of a friendship that you might just, you know, make from that? Because it's going to be a total breath of fresh air for this guy because he's like, oh, you actually say what you mean. That's, that's new. Everybody else is lying. Yeah. And or fronting or just putting up some kind of false barrier. I think you might just, now that you

recognize this with this guy, I think you might be able to make a great friend out of this, because you've recognized this. Yeah, and if you're comfortable with it, it probably makes a lot of other people uncomfortable. Only reason to worry about being intimidated, like you said, Jason, is if this guy's trying to hide something, because maybe he's afraid of being judged by others. Now that you know this is happening anyway, you can stop worrying about it. And also, if I were you, I would quiz him on what he sees, because perhaps he's, can train you too look at this is an amazing opportunity you're working with somebody who

knows that they're observant and can maybe even point out what they're seeing i'm a little envious because you've got this tutor that you work with if he knows that it's because he's observant there's a good chance he can show you what he's seeing at some point so that's pretty cool it would be like hanging around sherlock holmes and he tells you how he's deducing everything exactly i'm super envious about this because you know if you can learn from him and figure out what's going on with just the people around you, imagine if you could be as protege and just learn more about the human condition. I don't have that person around me. I would love to have that kind of person around me. That would be so much fun. And you can do it together. Like I said, you might,

you might end up with a great friendship out of this because you've identified what he can do, his superpower. You know, he's like the Clark Kent of reading people right now. And nobody else knows, but you know. So you can be like, hey, bro, can you teach me the ways? And he might just go, sure. Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah, I think it'll be pretty fun to learn that. I'm jealous. All right, next up. Hey, guys, I work in a mid to senior level management role for a well-respected company. I pride myself on being a fairly well-rounded and personable guy with the ability to make people laugh and feel comfortable. In one-on-one meetings, I seem to be able to keep the conversation rolling for hours if needed, even if it's with someone I just met.

Social events are a different story. Recently, I've noticed several times that I go into a shell and my social skills seem to diminish. Often I stand off to the side, sipping my drink or pretending to check emails on my phone. I want to be social with everyone. I should be engaging with people, introducing myself, shaking hands, and networking, but I just end up keeping to myself. I'm naturally an introverted person, but I've worked for years on becoming more social and outgoing, even to the extent of purposely going to uncomfortable things just to prove to myself,

that it's not that bad. For some reason, though, the social event situation has been a huge obstacle for me. Is there something I can do to try to overcome this besides putting my cell phone away? Thanks. Face Down, screen up.

Okay, so I completely get this. I spent a lot of time doing this. Jason, I know you spent a lot of time doing this as well, so maybe you can chime in a little bit here in a sec, but I would say pick one person to chat with initially as a tactic. They can be alone, or you can just go to the quiet person in a group who isn't doing much talking and you can approach them.

It's always good to attend events with a buddy who is more social, not an equally unsocial person because then you'll just talk to each other the whole time, which is pointless. Also, research who will be there before you go. In six-minute networking, this is actually called the dossier technique, and I teach that in six-minute networking. And it's a very super easy-to-use technique that you can use before any event that will get you a little bit of background on people. I also would say try and only go to events that are curated.

So if it's open invite, anybody can go. Chances are you're going to have a harder time meeting good people there because it's just, hey, come network, which means like come sell your herbal life crap to people in the room. You know, like, that's your financial planning services or whatever. It's just like that's, it's very used car salesmen. So curated stuff where it's very industry specific, like look, look, we're all personal trainers on the East Coast or something. That's much better. And last but not least, look, hang by the refreshment or another high traffic area, chat to people who come by and introduce yourself.

Or tell yourself you'll talk to X number of people during that event or you'll stay for one hour, 60 minutes or whatever it is. And then you're off the hook. So that way you're not watching the clock. You go, okay, I've only got to do this for 30 minutes. That is enough often to shake the rust off. But if you just say, oh, I've got to be here for like this thing goes for five hours. I'm going to spend the first 90 minutes on my phone. you're just wasting your time.

But if you say, look, 30 minutes and then I'm out, and you put your phone away and you just go for it, that's a little bit more easy, in my opinion. Social events are often awkward because of the way they're structured. It's artificial. Everyone feels weird there because of that. They're all trying to self-manage their emotions

of their appearance. Try some of those crutches, and you'll find this getting easier over time. And the best thing to do, honestly, is to attend events that are curated and prep beforehand using the dossiations. technique and you can find six minute networking with the dossier technique at jordan harbinger.com slash course jason what do you think about this so my advice is a little more existential i'm 47 and

for most of my life up until i was about 40 i had crippling social anxiety disorder like unbelievably crippling until i made a couple overseas trips to different parts of asia and places like that and i realized is a very simple concept. Nobody cares about you. You can walk around another country and nobody cares about you, period. And when you come back and you take that same mindset, you also realize nobody cares about you. So you can walk up to anybody at any party and all they care about is how they come off to themselves and the people that are around them. So if I know that, I can walk up to anybody and not feel bad about talking to somebody because I don't have that ego problem. I don't, I know, if I know deep down when I walk up to somebody at a party and just

start a conversation, they don't care about me. They care about what they say to me and what they're going to tell me about them. And then you can be a sponge. You can be a total sponge and learn about everybody at the party and make friends. It's a really easy way to get through life. It took me 40 years to get there. But now that I do that, it's like, all my social anxiety is gone. I can. I, can walk up to anybody now and just talk to them because I know that deep down they care more about themselves than they care about me and that's really the switch that flipped for me you're right most of the people like you said they're just thinking about themselves they're not thinking about you they're not thinking oh look at that uncool guy in the corner they're going oh I hope I look approachable

or I hope I look fun am I being fun I don't think I'm being fun crap the person's still talking to me what are they saying I'm thinking about being fun that's what's going on in their head right so check out the dossier technique, attend some curated events, go grab six-minute networking, and you won't have to worry about this crap anymore. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course, and it's free. So, quick crying. All right, next up. Hey, J3 Gang. That's a new one. I haven't heard that one before. No. Like that. My work contract ended last year in November, and I left to Germany right after with my boyfriend to visit and enjoy the holidays. I thoroughly enjoyed my time there and was actually signed to a modeling agency in Berlin. Unfortunately, because I was just visiting and didn't

have a work permit, the agency couldn't book me for anything. I came back to the U.S. about a month ago. However, I've been pondering traveling back to Berlin where my boyfriend lives to stay in work. I was given a letter from the agency to apply for a permit, and although I've heard the freelance visa is easy to obtain in Berlin, everyone I ask at the embassy here in the U.S. says it's not. It's also been quite difficult to get any straightforward information from anyone regards to the actual process. My other issue is that I was just recently offered another contract with the same company I finished working with last November. The money would be great and it is with a company that I enjoyed working with. However, I feel like if I accept the job, I might be settling.

The thought of being able to possibly live, explore, and work in Berlin excites me more, although it would be with uncertainty since the modeling agency can't promise any amount of work or income. I like the idea of change, but there is the problem of not having a working permit, which I would have to wait to receive an answer for. So I'm stuck with deciding if I'm I want to stay in SoCal, working at a stable, consistent job, which is event management, or going abroad and just seeing what happens. I'm in my 30s with no current responsibilities, and I think my biggest fear is that I don't want to regret passing on the opportunity to travel and live in another country. What if I don't get the chance again? Needless to say,

I've been stressing over the decision and now becoming a bit frustrated because I really don't know what to do and feel like I have no direction. What would you suggest? I would truly, appreciate any insider advice you can offer me. Thank you for all you guys do. Most of all, thank you for fighting hard to keep your vision alive and your voices heard. We are listening. Kind regards, yearning for Germany. Well, I know what I would tell her to do, but I'm going to leave it to someone up to you, Jordan. Take it away. What do you think? What do you think? I'm curious. Go, immediately. Go to Berlin. She's in her 30s. She has no responsibilities. She can make her way. she's got a boyfriend there.

So, you know, she can at least ride his coattails for a little bit while she gets her modeling career up and running. And I'm sure that he will more than happily have her there. And she can also find other jobs if she can get the permit. But start the permit process. I don't care what anybody at the embassy says, you've got to start the process. She should have started the process already. Get it going.

Get the paperwork in and get it moving. Don't listen to what anybody says. if you want to go to Berlin, start the process. Because even if you change your mind and you stay in SoCal, you still at least have the option once you get the permit. So as soon as she got back and landed in the U.S., she should have been putting in her paperwork for that permit, period. Yeah, I like that idea.

Look, assuming the boyfriend isn't the primary motive to leave to Berlin, which I think it probably is, can't you accept the contract, work, save up, get some experience, and then apply for that permanent in Berlin. I guess you can always travel and live in Berlin after you've got something more sure from the agency that said, when I was in my early 30, especially or late 20s, I was never one to be like, yeah, let me make sure I got a sure thing. I was always like, I'm just going to go there and see what happens. Let's go. Yeah, game on. You'll get the chance again if you create it, but you can also chance it, provided you're not worried about income while you're in Germany exploring. Like, if you've got a bunch of stuff saved up, you can live pretty light,

you know, you're good, especially if your boyfriend's like, yeah, just come stay with me. You know, you're good. You'll have to decide whether you'll be able to live and work in Berlin if you get no income from modeling and or if you can work remotely online without a work permit. You know, maybe your business will let you do that somehow. Event planning doesn't seem like the kind of thing you could do from another time zone over the internet, but you never know. Also, just to be clear, technically you would not be allowed to work without a work permit, but it's not something you'd ever get caught doing realistically. You know, if you're going to work online from a cafe and make phone calls and stuff like that or an office,

co-working space, we work, whatever, you are so not getting caught by the German government for doing this. This is not legal advice. This is not legal advice, right? If you do get caught, I told you so, kind of, maybe, or the opposite. Yeah, certainly this is not good advice from the legal perspective. It's only decent advice from a personal perspective. I'm all about taking opportunities as they come, especially at this stage in your life where your level of responsibility is low. No kids, minimal expenses, et cetera.

And the question is, do you have enough support in Germany to survive even if you end up single and without a job? That's the question. Because, look, your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy so far, but who knows? Do you have a backup plan? What if he's like, you're going to just live in my house? I don't know about this. Or my mom hates you. Got to go.

You know, can you just go back? Is your job going to be waiting for you? Do you have some sort of backup plan? Can you work remotely and survive? Those are the key questions. But enjoy. Germany is awesome, especially Berlin. I'm very envious that you get to go live and work over there.

I'd love to go back. I used to live in Germany myself. I'd love to do something like that myself again at some point in time. Germany is a fantastic country. I would so love to go back to Germany. I had so much fun there. And the people there are just awesome. Yeah.

Berlin is just a hell of a place too, for sure. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right. Next up. Hi, Harbinger crew.

Congrats on being the best podcast of 2018. Thank you very much. My family and a few close relatives have decided in the near future, 18 to 24 months, to leave California for the East Coast and plant new roots. With only a high school diploma, and much experience I've gained from my employer, this move puts me on the job hunt. I've been an employee for a large company going on 15 years and currently work as a research and development tech. The company has recently expanded from the West by buying out another

company now making us nationwide. There's still tons of potential for growth. I haven't yet informed my boss of my plans to move, nor did I plan on it until I realize there could be a big opportunity for me to stay with the company since we are nationwide and are in need of much help out east ensuring the business continues to grow. Should I keep this to myself, or would this be a good idea to be transparent with my employer soon? And if so, how should I approach it? Any extra tips would help immensely. Love what you do. Signed, possibly eastbound and down. Wow. Okay. Well, this is, these work dilemmas are always so fascinating. However, what I will tell you is this. Yeah, you're worried about getting canned because they think you're going to

move, but hiring is one of the most difficult things the company has to do. So a good company will do their best to keep their employees, the good ones. They may want somebody already experienced, and who's familiar with the culture, to help them expand to the East Coast. So I think it's a good idea for you to be transparent here. Also, it's just the right thing to do because then you're not leaving them hanging. If you wait too long, they'll wonder if you're thinking of leaving them. like, hey, you knew you were going to move four months ago, and now you're just telling us now, like, why did you wait so long? You know, that's, they're going to suspect that maybe you were thinking about leaving them

and then couldn't find another job or are just baiting them. And look, even if they're annoyed that you're moving, which I don't think they will be, they'll probably want to keep you as long as possible in your role where you are now if they don't also want to transfer you. And I would ask for a cost of living increase moving to the East Coast if you can. They might even cover moving expenses. I mean, you just have no idea. They might be chomping at the bit to get someone in your position to move out there and just

thinking, oh, he's not going to move. And his whole family's here. I'm not even going to ask. You know, you should volunteer for that before somebody else says, hey, I'd love to move out there. You don't know. This could be a competitive position. You might have a time, sort of a first advantage if you move on this now. And congrats on the exciting move.

East Coast is great. There's lots to do over there. You're going to be pretty cold, though. I'm interested to hear what you think of real. winter coming from SoCal. So, yeah. But enjoy. I'm curious why you ask for a cost of living increase, because once you move to the

East Coast, it's actually cheaper to live on the East Coast than the West Coast. Yeah, it can be, but not always. And I also think whenever you move to a coast, you can probably ask for a cost of living increase that you normally wouldn't get if you're from the coast. Mm, good point, good point. Easy way to ask for a raise. Right, exactly. Like, if you move from Michigan, you're like,

hey, look, things are more expensive. They're like, yeah, you're right. We're giving you six grand extra per year. But if you're like, hey, it's expensive out here. They're like, you grew up in San Diego. You knew this. Right. Yeah, you knew what you were getting into. Right. So they might go, but it's the same price as the West Coast. And you go, yeah, but I was thinking about moving to the Midwest too. No, I mean, you don't have to lie about that. But you can say, look, look, I'm still moving to the East Coast. And they might just go screw it. We have a budget for a cost of living increase. You can have it. And it's just, yeah, it's a race. Yeah, and I think being transparent up front is definitely the way to go too, because if they do have this new East Coast office, they're going to want to, like, you know, disseminate the culture.

Because if you've been at this place for a while, they're going to want to seed you into the new East Coast offices because that way those people can learn from you on how the company does things. Exactly. I totally think that's a great way to go. And I don't think that they're going to be mad at you at all. I would definitely get on that right away and see what you can get. you should definitely be able to get, you know, moving costs and possibly this cost of living increase. But I think that you should definitely tell them right away and say, hey, look, I want to go

head up our East Coast Division or whatever, you know, wherever you're at in the company. And you might even get a promotion out of it. Yeah. I think there's an opportunity here that you're not necessarily saying. You're afraid they're going to go, oh, you're moving. You're out of here. I think they're probably looking for people in your HQ area to go and populate the rest of the company and get the...

disseminate the culture a little bit. I bet you they're looking and they just haven't said anything because they're probably evaluating internally who they can send. But if you volunteer, they might they might be stoked that somebody's jumping at the chance. Oh, absolutely, absolutely, because it costs so much money to retrain new employees. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, it's ridiculous. Yeah, opportunity cost, training costs, et cetera, absolutely.

All right, what's next? Hey, guys, what are your thoughts on pets in the airplane cabin? As long as you don't clip their toenails. Yeah. My cat and I are moving to the Bay Area from the UK, and I'm dreading the journey, but can't put her in the hold because she's too nervous. She can sometimes be loud and meowie if stressed, and I've also read many online forums with mixed commentary,

but basically some people hate cats and I worry will end up near someone like that. My vet doesn't recommend tranquilizers, and airlines also discourage it. Is there a six-minute hack for catifying air passengers, is what I'm asking, basically. Thank you for all the great content and advice, and especially for the humor and bans, which are greatly enjoyed. All the best. Cats on a plane. So, I would much rather sit next to an animal meowing or whining a little bit than a crying baby.

Tell me about it. I would much rather sit next to a cat that's meowing a bunch than a smelly guy or somebody who has to pee every five seconds. or, I mean, there are a lot of things that I would rather not sit next to on a plane than a cat that's meowing, seriously. And look, passengers will just have to be understanding if they want to live in a society that has other people. You know, whenever I get antsy about other people on a flight or animals on a flight, I just remember, look, if I really hate this, I can chill out for a business class seat. It's really expensive. Otherwise, shut your hold, Jordan. Be thankful you can afford to travel that you're headed someplace exciting or that you're headed home in the next.

few hours. I mean, there's a lot to be thankful for. And if you're... This is not like the old days where you're getting on a ship that you're sailing across, like on the Mayflower, you're talking about like, you know, nine hours, eight hours, nine hours. Yeah, exactly. So it's not... NBD is what it is. And yet, some people might be allergic to the cat, so you might have to move seats. I was thinking about that. It's like, okay, well, I sat next to somebody. They're allergic to cats. Okay, sorry. We're going to shuffle the plane around. That's fine. I'm fine. Also, the tranquilizer thing, I got no problem with that.

That's fine. Never put an animal in the hold if you can, though, for sure. But I don't think this is a big deal. I think drag your cat on the plane. Give it to catnip, lots of catnip, and lots of treats. Yeah. I mean, the poop and the pee issue is still an issue. I don't know how people deal with that.

Do you bring your cat to the bathroom? Can you, like, bring it to the airline bathroom and they go to the bathroom? How does that even, where do they just hold it? I think you just clean it up when they go. Or you just don't give them a lot of water beforehand. I've never smelled animal poop or pee on a plane, I don't think. I've been on planes where dogs have pooped in the aisle. It's grand.

It's so grand. But I've never been on a plane with a cat that pooped. But you can also, I mean, you just basically dehydrate them before the flight and give them. I think there's salt pills that you can give them things like that. I would talk to your veterinarian. Do not take my advice on that. Yeah, yeah. But you just kind of drain them before you get on the plane.

but there are ways around it, but I would just never, ever put an animal in the hold. No, don't put them in cargo. Oh, there's so many horror stories. Also, I don't think you can get this in the UK, but if you live in California and you're flying to the UK, you get some CBD oil. That would help with the anxiety. There's pet CBD, which is, CBD is the non-psyactive component in marijuana. So it doesn't make your pet high.

It just relaxes their body, and humans take it all the time. And it's great. And it's really, really interesting, and it's readily available here in the States. I don't know about in the UK. I'm sure in the UK they have Valium, which also works on animals. There's that. But I think she said, look, that doesn't want tranquilizers, and I understand that. Nobody really has the right to complain about what's in your carry-on bag, even if it's an animal.

Noise is normal on flights. A cat's meow is hardly nails on a chalkboard. And if people are that noise sensitive, I'm a little noise sensitive, honestly. They need noise-canceling headphones and a drink. and that's how they can manage that. Worst case, if your seatmate seems really perturbed, offer to get them a drink, lend them some over-year headphones,

pay for a movie, whatever. You shouldn't have to, but if you offer, it's going to be so hard for them to get annoyed with you. Right? Like, if they're, like, giving you a dirty look,

and you go, hey, look, my cat's meowing a lot. Can I buy you a movie? And, you know, you can put your headphones on. Then they'll be like, oh, no, that's okay. And then they can't really give you

the stink eye because they're like, oh, they'll feel bad. So you could even start the flight with, hey, look, she might meow a little bit and if she gets annoying, I apologize in advance. I'm happy to buy you a drink. I'm happy to pay for a movie if it's really driving you crazy or something for your troubles. They will almost certainly say you don't have to do that. And then they will look so, such the a-hole who gets mad after you offer something like that, right? So I think you're off the hook.

That's a little hack. Be super nice in the beginning and offer to pay and fix the problem. And then when they say no, then they can't get mad. Yeah, front load the niceties. That's right. Definitely front-load it. That's right. Also, if you've got the money, all three seats until everybody to just go away. Yeah, well, at that rate, just by, I think business class is probably cheaper than all three seats. Business class. Yeah, just get two seats in business class. Yeah. So if you're balling, go ahead and do that. Otherwise, everybody can shove it. All right, what's next? Last but not least. Hi, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. I recently graduated college in May. I worked with a professional makeup artist in the fall of my senior year, assisting him

on a photo shoot. I've since moved to New York City and got a job in theater. I work about 45 hours a week and get paid $17 an hour and only get five days PTO. Don't have much room to work my way up in the company or industry because people much more experience that have 10 years more of experience only make $20 an hour. And my immediate supervisor who's been there for 15 years has the same job title as me. I'm feeling generally disappointed, unfulfilled, and lost. These are a few of the reasons why I would like to leave my current position and explore something new. I would like to reach out to the makeup artist I worked with and reestablish connection now that we are back in the same area once again. But it's been a little over a year. We don't live in the same city,

but we are in the same state again. I'm hoping that a new opportunity for a job transition will come eventually, but I don't want to email him after a year just to see if he has a job for me. How do you suggest I go about getting back in touch with him? Additionally, how do you suggest I take time off from my current job for interviews, etc.? I've been guilted into working overtime the few months because we are constantly understaffed, so I find it hard taking time off last minute for an interview or appointment, let alone a different project. I've only taken three days off in the last seven months. Sincerely, should have dug the well. Yikes, that seems like a really stressful and intense job. Three days off in seven months. But it's only 45 hours a week.

That's true. That's true. That's not that much. I think she's still getting weekends off. Oh, yeah. Good point. Yeah, it's like nine hours a day. All right, well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As someone who works 80 hours a week, 45 hours a week, I think we're going to talk about this in a little bit here. So, go ahead. 45 hours a week sounds like a week off.

Seriously, I'm like, uh... I work that much on my vacations. No, I'm just kidding. Seriously. Sort of... Actually, you do. I've been on vacation with you. You do.

That's true. I'm unfortunately not kidding, but it's not because... Yeah, I'm unfortunately not kidding. But start digging the well now. Yeah, you should have dug the well. Start digging the well now. Reach out to him, inform him where you're at, ask him how he's doing, ask him what he's working on, see how you can be of service, the standard stuff from six-minute networking.

This is like what we talk about. And see if he has any advice for you, you know, any words of wisdom. That's a great way to start. And then, yeah, don't ask him for anything right away. You can see if he has any opportunities, but don't make that the focus of the email. And yeah, you're, man, you should have dug that well. But the best time to plant a tree was 100 years ago, and the second best time is right now, right? so or 20 years ago as how it goes and uh jason i know that you reached out for to a buddy who's kind

of in this industry and got some advice too yeah i reached out to my friend seth miranda he works at arorama doing all their social stuff and video stuff and he's always like working with makeup artists so he spent the last 12 years shooting portfolios for them and here's what he had to say he says this industry is crazy saturated in new york city alone 300 makeup artists graduate every few months across all the schools. The way to be the one hired is to go assist everyone. Be on time, don't overstep and be ready to work. The more you're seen around, the less people will feel they need to sift through the hundreds of resumes and just hit up who they know made their life easier on set. As for time off, you either take the jump or you don't. Most makeup artists end up in

retail because they don't have a freelancer hustle. Settling into a position doesn't mean a steady job. It just means that's what you have for now, and they'll always be someone in the game longer than you. The key is to find your groove and make sure people remember you. Every working person you meet on set is a potential lead, and your interview is your current performance and reputation. I scored high-end jobs being friends with caterers who happen to be family of the producers. You never know, and you always have to be on. Makeup artists are generally seen as flaky and not actual professionals, so don't give them any reason to assume that even more. Work hard, work right, be diligent, and have them end the production on a high note when they think

of you. Also, if she assists more often, they hand off full-time jobs to people who have assisted because the key artists get double-booked, like very often. So if she's assisting a lot on set and the key artist can't make it that day, they will often go to the assistant to book the job. That totally makes sense. Yeah. Totally makes sense to me.

Yeah, and if they know the assistant, so it's even better. So definitely you want to check out Seth on Instagram. We'll have that link to the show notes. He's Last X witness on Instagram and a good friend of mine. And it's good advice. It's really good advice. You got to hustle. I mean, 45 hours a week, that's half your potential.

Come on. Yeah. I know it sucks because it's a lot of work, but this industry is one of those. I've got buddies. My buddy's a prop master. And so he makes props for sets. And he tells me things like, yeah, we're shooting. season two of such and such and such and such right now and it's kind of crazy because you know we've got

the baby but i'm out the door by seven a m and i'm home by you know some days two a m and i'm like what yep holy moly i mean we're talking like 18 hour days sometimes this is why people in television work in a season and then don't do squat for two months because they can't because they can't move exactly yeah it's insane and you you hear about this regularly. Writers in the writers room from 8.30 in the morning till midnight, 5, 6, 7, 29 days in a row because they got to finish. They just don't have options. She's a makeup artist in New York City. That is, you know, you're going up against some of the most heavy hitter competition that you can go up against. So you have to put in the time.

You have to, and you have to hustle and you have to make yourself known. This is about relationships. This entire industry is about relationships. I know this. from Seth. He works with the same people because they show up on time, they get the job done, they don't complain, and they do great work. So you have to do that. It's worth paying for because you can't be without somebody, you know, photographer, you can't be without the photographer. You can't be without the makeup artist. You pay a premium for people who get the job done. So be that person. All right. Life Pro Tip of the week, this is really funny. I'm not sure where Jen got this. I think this is hysterical. When you are recalling, you know, those painful or embarrassing,

memories and you just keep beating yourself up over those you know that those are tough to get rid of that sort of loop in your mind is tough but she said imagine the Seinfeld theme playing over it that's pretty good yeah so like imagine that time that you slipped and fell and then instead of like everyone laughing at you and you're embarrassed and you go hide in your car you just hear like do do do do right like it's just like or that little like horns yeah it's just it's so ridiculous and then maybe that fades to black with the Seinfeld theme and the little it's it's just so freaking ridiculous i love it that's a great tip recommendation of the week jason you saw this too right bohemian rhapsody the queen i guess was the the queen story i don't know if you'd call it that yeah it's a biopic from queen the band uh it yeah i saw it i loved it i thought it was a really nice lighthearted version of the freddie mercury and queen's story it's not really the full story because it ends at uh wembley stadiums when they're doing live aid.

But yeah, for what it was, I thought it was really fun, really fun. And I recommend going, and there's actually a video you can get on YouTube that's really good. It's a side-by-side performance of Rami Malik and Freddie Mercury doing the same concert. And Rami Malik hit every note. It's incredible. I'm even getting goosebumps right now thinking about it. It is so good. Oh, that's interesting.

I'm going to check that out, the side-by-side video. We should link to that. Yeah, it's so good. We'll put that in the show notes for sure. Wow, it's got 16 million views. That's a lot. Told you. It's very popular.

Yeah, I don't care much about music, but I really liked this movie. I thought it was just amazing. And the acting was great. I mean, didn't he win the Oscar for this? Yes, he did. He got best actor. Yeah. And he really earned it.

Really did. Oh, he totally did. He totally did. So, you know, congratulations to him on that. And he also plays the main lead character in Mr. Robot, if you're a fan of Mr. Robot. Yeah, that's right. I knew he looked familiar. Yeah.

Yeah, he's from that. But I thought he nailed it. And, you know, the movie was made by the band, so it's going to make the band look good and make Freddie look good. And there's a lot that they glossed over. But there are a lot of other documentaries out there about Freddie Mercury if you want to get into the backstory. But if you just want a really fun movie that's pretty lighthearted and has good music in it, I can't recommend it enough. So we'll link to that movie on Amazon Prime. That's where I watched it.

But I'm sure you can watch it in many places. You can find this. And we'll link to that in the show notes. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week, and don't forget, you can email us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. We will keep you anonymous.

We always do. A link to the show notes with all the links and a little debrief can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Quick shout out to Jamie Sparks, who is writing to us from a yacht in St. Martin. Wow, that's very, very bougie. And he says he's crew, not the owner, just so we know. But thank you very much, Jamie.

It's cool that you have internet on your yacht. That is, you know, first world slow internet, he says. First World Problems, though, I think, on that. Go back and check out the guests, Charlemagne the God, and Clinton Watts, if you haven't yet. And if you want to know how we manage to book all these great guests, manage the people in our network using systems and tiny habits, I want to teach you these systems and tiny habits for free

in our six-minute networking course. That's over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. This course replaces the old level one course. It has a bunch of upgraded drills, upgraded tech, upgraded systems. I left advanced human dynamics because of the military and law enforcement and corporate training I'm doing,

and I no longer maintain level one at all. So go ahead and grab six-minute networking at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show, and I'm Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. That's where the videos of the interviews that we've been doing, those are all on YouTube,

Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. Jason? My personal website is over a, jpd.me and has all the links to all my socials and things like that and you can check out my tech podcast grumpy old geeks over at gog. show or on your podcast player of choice. This show is produced in association with podcast one and this episode was co-produced by Jen Harbinger and show notes for the episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline. Very excited to

bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you, You can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. Oh, by the way, if you haven't left a review for the show, now would be a great time to do that. We actually have had some weird one-star reviews that I think are maybe automated because they're like, this is just another typical show about Trump, and I'm like, definitely the wrong show. So I can't tell if people accidentally review the wrong show or if we're like the target of his script here. Apple's looking into a little bit of this. But if you haven't reviewed the show, now would be a really nice time for you to write us a nice review because they do help.

They help with the team and they help our show rank. So go ahead and throw a review down for the show. And you can find out how to do that at Jordan Harbinger.com slash subscribe. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast, focused format.

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