The Jordan Harbinger Show - 176: How to Cope with the Burden of Being the Ugly Friend | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now, let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Is it wrong to be mad at your recently widowed parent for proposing to a rebound fling just six months after the funeral? You're sick of picking up the slack for your 70-year-old coworker who chooses not to retire. What should you do? How do you rebuild your business when your last 10 years has suddenly pulled out from under you? We might have some advice. As a job seeker, when is the right time to disclose that you have regular medical needs that require creative scheduling? We've talked about the wrong reasons to move, but what are some of the right reasons? When do the pros outweigh the cons? How do you shake the feeling of playing second fiddle when you're pretty sure you're the ugly friend in a two-person dynamic? You seem to be the only one in your neighborhood concerned about environmental apocalypse. How do you lead by example without blowing a gasket? What meaningful gifts can you get for mentors -- or anyone else for that matter -- who already seem to have everything they need? Life Pro Tip: When responding to advice, say "You're right" instead of "I know." It shows that you're actually listening to someone, that you care about what they say, and give them credit for trying to help. Recommendation of the Week: Leaving Neverland Quick shoutouts to people Jordan met at Podfest and SXSW! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! World-renowned criminal defense lawyer Mark Geragos reveals the latest in our nation's most high-profile legal cases with podcast king Adam Carolla on PodcastOne's Reasonable Doubt. Check it out here! Like...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFilippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger show, we love having conversations with our guests. And this week, we had A.J. Jacobs talking about his crazy social experiment. Jason, this guy, he decided to thank everyone that was helping him get his morning coffee. So he's flying to Columbia to thank the bean farmers, and he's thanking the people that are shipping the beans and all the barista and all the people that are grinding and processing. It's just crazy. he is a unique guy

Unique is a nice way to put He's a loon He's a total loon I love him to death But he's a loony Yeah yeah He spent a year living Biblically

So he only wore like Cotton robes And you know Didn't eat Non-cone Just all kinds of weird stuff Like he couldn't sit in a seat Where a woman had been

Had sat who was menstruated Just all this weird Stuff from the Bible Like the Old Testament stuff And he lived that way for a year In Manhattan which is somehow kind of impossible. And then...

What's more impossible is the fact that he's still married. Yes, agree. Divorce him. Which is crazy. His wife must be a very patient woman, that's for sure. Exactly. We also spoke with Brian Scudamore. He's the founder of 1-800 got junk.

He dropped out of high school, had $700 in a beat-up pickup truck and started a, I don't know, $200 million company, something like that. He's an interesting cat. He came in and talked about that story and had talked about what he calls the, the WTF or willing to fail mindset. And a good friend of mine, interesting guy, really interesting show.

And I also write every so often on the blog, the latest post is, it's about forming an opinion, essentially. But when you have the right to form an opinion, when you have the ability to form that opinion, and this piece will make you better at thinking, better at arguing and forming arguments and opinions. And it was inspired by my friend Dr. Drew,

who was complaining during a show that we were doing that he gives talks at colleges. and he's a freaking medical doctor. And inevitably, some freshmen will stand up and be like, I disagree with your statement about it. And he's like, I'm a doctor, all right? I have 30 years of experience. You're not, you're 17 years old.

Sit down, right? So I wrote an article about that. Make sure you've had a look and a listen to all of that. And the articles are on the blog. If you go to Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles, they're featured there. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along. our guest wisdom and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today here on

Feedback Friday. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Try to keep them concise if you can. It really does increase the chance that your question will get answered on the air. I was just at Podfest out in Orlando, South by Southwest, and Austin. I met a lot of great people. I roasted John Lee Dumas, which was a lot of fun at Podfest. And I got to tell you, Jason, I love doing the comedy. JLD at the end of it, John Lee Dumas, he did a thing where he goes, tell me who you think was funniest by show of applause. You're not really supposed to do that at a roast, but he did it anyway.

And I got the most applause, and I thought that was pretty cool. Being mean is hard, though. Well, you know, me and JLD go back a long ways, and I think I would have probably won if I made it. But you can't win by punching someone in the face. That is not how you win a roast. That's true. That's true. Oh, it would have been fun, though.

Congrats on that. Congrats. That's a huge, huge thing. Thank you. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I love being up there. I would do it again in a second. I think just there's something to the comedy thing, man.

It's really fun. I get it. Although I don't know if I could stand the going up there and trying a set and all the rejection that goes with it. It just seems really hard. But you never know. Yeah, I mean, that's what I do on Grupield Geeks every week. It's fun. It gets the juices flow.

and makes you a more calmer person at the end. Nice. Well, I can take it. Yeah, it is a little release valve. All right. Well, speaking of release valves, what's the first thing in the mailbag? Hey, guys, my 71-year-old mother passed away six months ago. Not exactly comedy that we're going here with the first question. And my dad, who was 74, bought a $5,000 diamond ring for someone he met a week ago. So yeah, my sister and I are furious. My mother passed away very suddenly, and my dad was extremely distraught in a complete burden to everyone around. him as though he was the only one morning. He needed constant care and attention, so we decided to send him on a vacation to get his mind off things, and there you go. He met someone 25 years younger than

himself, and immediately started spending all of his money on her. He's planning on throwing a wedding, and he didn't even pay for my mother's funeral. We, the kids, did. And this is a man who would nickel and dime the price of tomatoes with my mom when she was still around. Never once did he even buy my mom a gift. He would calculate every single dime he spent for the household and make my mom pay exactly half of it. I don't know how to react. I'm just so pissed and I feel extremely disrespected and I feel like with his slutty behavior, he's disrespecting my mother and her memory. Is it abnormal to be so angry as I am? What do I do? Thanks. Daddy issues. Yikes. Wow. Dude. Yeah, this is a rough one. I mean, here's the thing. Your parents were together for how long? 50 plus years. And you got to

think this is a person who spent, I assume, the vast majority of his life with your mother, now she's gone, and your dad, again, I assume, is alone for the first time in a very long time. So it's natural, albeit a little unhealthy, to rebound or latch onto someone for company. And it sounds like his children didn't want to be that person. So y'all are now upset that he has found that rebound. And it's just a part of the grieving process in part, but, you know, he's not. he is grieving. It sounds like his process is finding someone to replace her companionship. And most this is going to be controversial, but most 70-something-year-old men, they don't have a whole lot to

offer when looking for like a companion a lot of the time who's 25 years younger. So if he's looking for that, he's going to use his money to do it, especially if he's in, sort of in the grief process. I mean, who knows what's going on. But it's normal for you to be furious. I would absolutely consider talking to him about it, but phrase it out of concern. not out of anger. Right? So you might want to say something like, dad, you're acting a little differently

since you met this new person. I'm worried. You used to be so careful with money. Now you're really throwing it around. I just don't want you to have money problems in a couple years if you spend all of it. You've got longer to go than you think. You can't be going on fancifications

or buying rings all the time. But in the end, your dad is 74. He doesn't have that much time left to get out there and live. and he's probably thinking why waste what I've got left sitting at home grieving? And if he's anything like most men, he's not well equipped to deal with the grief in the first place. So this is an escape for him.

He's been with someone for a long time. It's depressing as hell to find yourself sitting home alone and bored with kids who are doing their own thing or that's send you on a vacation. You know, they've got their own families. If you can talk to him about it out of concern, you might strike a chord with him. He's probably in the middle of feeling just completely,

completely upside down and confused. Also, I would persuade him to get a physical. Call his primary care physician in advance, tell him about his sudden change in behavior because sometimes especially in older folks, there can be a brain or biological reason that people are acting funny. I don't know, Jason, you remember this a while ago,

a long time ago, we got a letter from somebody and it was like the dad had taken in this teenage girl. Oh, yeah, I totally remember that one. And he suddenly was starting to like send her. these text messages and the family talked to the girl and they're like, look, what you're doing is weird and not okay. And the girl was like, yeah, I know, but, you know, I don't really know what to do about this. And then the mom started to freak out because she's like, I can't believe you're basically striking up a romance with a teenage girl. We've been married for like 30 plus years.

And then she woke up and the dad was like standing over her. Yeah. Creeply. Yeah, that was a crazy one. Yeah. That was crazy. And they're like, we want to leave the house. We don't know what to do. We think the dad might do something. And then people, a lot of people wrote in and they were like, he might have a tumor. Go to go get a scan. This is super strange. You might have a tumor. And I think that was a really good point. Like, what the hell? That's not normal behavior. I think with this guy, he's 74. He's staring death in the face because his wife just died.

So, you know, mortality is right there in front of him. And he does want to probably live a little before he's got to go. And he's lonely as hell. You know, if he's with that woman for, you know, generations, and she's gone now. He's got nothing else to look forward to. So he's just doing the best that he can to get by and make sure that he at least has something going on.

So I understand it. I don't, you know, I can understand why they're pissed, but you also have to look at it from his perspective, where he's just like he woke up one day and his wife of all those years is gone. He's by himself. He's got money. What's he going to do?

He's going to go have. some fun. And, you know, I'm sure he's still in the middle of the grieving process. And it's going to take him a while to get past it. But, you know, I can't really fault the guy. Yeah, I get it. I don't love it, but I... Yeah. I guess I get it. I understand it, but I don't condone it. All right. What's next? Hi, Jordan and Company. I work at a university where there's no mandatory age for retirement, which brings me to the problem. One of my coworkers is in his early 70s and is affable, jokey and popular with the older staffers here, and let's call him Joe. However, Joe is also

unproductive, regularly comes in late, and Daly has to rely on his other co-workers to answer questions that involve web and digital matters, attends training sessions, but doesn't learn from them. I can't stand him and I make snide remarks. Not professional, I know. But the other day, I chided him because he didn't check on something that he should have, and consequently, we could have missed out on something important. He then suggested I'd take over this particular area of his job duties, and then I asked him, if I do that, what are you going to do instead? Joe had no answer for that, and instead started rambling about having worked 35 years plus, and that he was burnt out from working. He said he was going to retire next January. However, I heard that he was going to retire this January, but obviously didn't.

I overheard him say to a co-working friend of his, I'm going to die in this chair, said jokingly, but I really wonder. A former co-worker of mine who moved on, theorized that Joe hangs on because this job is his main source of social interaction. We have job evaluations, but my boss is very lenient. I've pointed out his unproductivity to my boss as well, and the boss kind of just laughed it off. We are short-staffed as it is, and I resent having to take on more work because of this dead wood. Do you have any advice for this situation? I feel like sending an anonymous letter to HR. Other than that, I like my job. get along well with other co-workers, work hard, and get involved in various areas to contribute. Looking forward to hearing what you all say.

Call me Chopper. Huh, this is a tricky one, Jason. What do you think? I know you have some thoughts initially here. Yeah, my first reaction is, what a dick. I mean, the guy's in his 70s. Chillax, bro. You know, have some sympathy.

If you were in your 70s, it had nothing else to do or anywhere to go. Would you want some snot-nosed kid, like kicking you out of a job that you've been at for 35 years? I guess, but I have a bit more sympathy for the writer as well. Look, totally get it. You know, 70 doesn't have anything to do. Only social outlet. But fine. I mean, other people are picking up the slack that Joe's leaving because he's taking

up a job position, salary that somebody actually needs to do, but he can't do it. And frankly, look, I know there are 70-year-old people that can do IT-related tasks. I think he just kind of doesn't feel like learning it. You know, he's going, oh, I'm too old for this. And it's like, okay. but just because you refuse to modernize doesn't mean the university's not going to modernize or that you can just be like, well, the kids are going to do it. It's like, well, what do you do?

What is it you would say you do around here? That's very, this very office space of you. It is, right? But it's like, it would be different if it's like, oh, my gosh, well, we give all of our TPS reports to Joe because we handle all the tech stuff. But if he's just sitting around surfing the web all day or, I don't know, reading the newspaper, and then all of these other people have to pick up the slack because he's literally incapable of doing the job.

That's not fair. But I would say, Chopper, you're a bit stuck because your boss is obviously not sticking up for you. And universities are almost universally inefficient to the point of absolute ridiculousness, especially public universities, which are by and large, bloated bureaucracies floating on top of massive subsidies, tax dollars, inflated tuition. what I would do is document each time you have to do work that isn't yours because Joe is unable to do it. And I'd also start looking for a new job immediately.

And once you find something, then when you're leaving, tell them exactly why you're leaving. Hand in the proof, send a copy to HR so your boss can't bury it when you're like, yeah, and you did nothing about it and you're going to continue to lose talent. That way he can't just like throw it away and go like, oh, yeah, he quit because he didn't like the hours. you know, you can hand a copy to HR. Joe is welcome to come in if he needs a social outlet as a volunteer someplace else. And look, I know Jason thinks you're a dick. I know you think he's a dick.

I don't think it's our job at our office to be someone's social outlet or their source of entertainment. It's great if you can be that in addition to them doing their job. That's great. But if they're useless otherwise, I mean, if he wants that, he can be a volunteer someplace else, get a free lunch. Don't be dead weight who makes other people have a harder day. every single day at work. It's not like he's asking these guys to do the occasional,

hey, I've got to do this thing online. Can you help me with it once a quarter? This is like, they're just doing his job because he, like, doesn't know how to work the emails. I mean, I hear you on this, Jason, but someone's right to a paycheck and a fun day at work ends when they're piling crap on my plate because they can't do their own job, you know?

I'm just looking at the time served. You know, I'm just looking at time served. The guy's been there for over 35 years, and, you know, he's in the twilight. What the university should do is just find some extra budget and bring somebody else on. If they want to keep the guy and they know that he's dead weight, then just find the budget and bring somebody else on. Yeah, agree. Agree.

But don't, I mean, I just think this guy's going to feel bad when this guy, like, gets kicked out and he's responsible for it. I look down the line and it's just like, oh, man, this guy who's been there his whole life, you know, put all this time to the university. And I come in, and just because I got to work a little harder, I get him kicked out. and then what's this guy got? He's going to go home and, like, what, drink himself to death because he's got nowhere else to go. He's got no friends. He's got no money. You know, I'm just looking at the law of unintended consequences that can happen if this guy kicks out Joe.

And I worry about that. I feel you. I agree. I think you're right. The boss should come up with the budget. And, you know, Chopper, you can find other job offers and you can leave and you can tell them why. Alternatively, if you're able to do this, when Joe's like, hey, I need you to do my job again for me, you just be like, nope.

Yeah. And then when it doesn't get done, and the boss is like, hey, who's filing those TPS reports online? You're like, oh, that's Joe's job. And they're like, oh, well, hey, Joe, where are those? I don't know how the machine works. Okay, cool. Hey, chopper, can you help?

Hey, I got a full plate. I've been doing a lot of that. I did six months of TPS reports. I can help later on on Friday. But no, I can't do Joe's job for him every single day. And then make your boss ask you to do this. all the look this could cost you your job too because you know it depends but that's why you should have another offer on the plate but you can say like look i'll help once or twice but i'm not going to

do the guys whole job for him and if the stuff starts piling up and doesn't get done then it's easier it's a lot harder for your boss to go ha ha ha good old joe not doing any work it's like yeah we're not going to do it anymore look if it's just you chopper who's pissed about it maybe it's an attitude adjustment but if everyone else in the office is like i'm so sick of doing this guy's job, just band together and say, we're not doing it anymore. We're not going to do this guy's job. He needs to figure it out. It's not impossible for him to learn how to do this.

He's 70. He's not 170. He can figure out how to use universities online. There are guaranteed professors at that university who know how to use the online systems just fine. Yeah, my dad's 72, and he can work a computer like nobody's business, and he learned when he was 65. It's not hard.

Yeah. I'm fine with that. Yeah, yeah. Just stop being a computer. crutch for him and let him stand on his own two feet. But I would just say don't proactively try and, like, kick his knees out from under him. That's my only thing. So I agree with you, Jordan on that. It's like, let this guy stand or fall on his own merit. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about

our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. All right. Next up. Hey Jordan and gang. This week I found myself in a situation that reminded me of yours last year. I've basically lost 10 years of building my own business and have to restart. I'm also having to tread lightly regarding my former employer when approaching clients to come with me. What advice would you give to someone starting over?

What do you think you did well? What would you have done differently? How did you stay positive through the painful process? Who helped you through the process? Coaches, friends, your network? Are there any resources that you would have wished you tapped into sooner? Thank you for everything that you do and keep being awesome. Signed, resentfully rebooting.

Ooh, this brought back some memories. Yeah, triggered. Yeah, totally. Trigger warning. Yeah. So what you can do here, first of all, you can't say. solicit former clients. You cannot say, hey, I'm leaving, come work with me. What you can do is make them aware that you've left. And I did that through either direct communication or

back channels when we got the boot essentially from the old company. What I did is I reached out to my network and friends and I said, hey, can you reach out to these ad agencies and reach out to clients and say, I left the old show and I'm starting a new one? And it's funny because in the litigation, one of the things that the old company is asserting is that I quote unquote damaged the business by taking the advertisers. And what's really funny about this is I didn't take anyone. They decided to come with us because they knew us, liked us, trusted us. We did a great job for them a long time ago. And everyone heard how we had gotten booted from the company. And they just thought it was such BS. And we are, we are pleasant to work with, I have to say. We're easy to

work with. Yeah. And that's not the case for those that may have replaced us on the old show. So you can make them aware that you've left and a lot of people will come with you because they like you. You're the one who has a relationship with them. What I did well back then, I dug the well before I got thirsty. I did everything in the six minute networking course, which is what I created for y'all. It's new course. It replaces the old level one stuff that I no longer have anything to do with, by the way. And if you want that Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. That course is based on what I did to make sure we were successful with the reboot. So get on that ASAP, the sooner, the better. And I have to say, when we did start over, you were apoplectic about how are we going to do this? What's going to happen?

And I'm like, dude, you have the greatest network in the world. You need to tap into that and get back on top. And you fought me for what, like a month, I think. And once you finally realized, you're like, oh, wait, we do have a great network. All the guests that were on the show, all the people that you know from the show, that was your superpower, absolutely your superpower. And that's what got us to where we are today. So this is no BS. What happened with this new show and why we're here right now is because of your network

and all of the relationships that you made before we did it. So, yeah, get on it. Six-minute networking, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Get to it. Yeah, this is, it's the real deal. there's no upsell, it's free. I mean, that's, the point is it's a lifesaver. It's save my butt, and it will save yours too. The stuff that I would do differently, I mean, a lot of that has to do with the litigation. For example, the guy who calls himself A.J. Harbinger, his real name is

Andrew Kazarowski. He's using my name. There's a lot of ego investment in making trouble for myself, for former employees of the old company who have nothing to do with anything, just petty vindictive stuff. And if I had known how irrational he, he, he's, you know, would have been and that he never intended to honor the deal that we'd negotiated or fulfill his end of the bargain. If I'd known that he never planned on doing that, I'd have been much more public about everything a lot earlier. But I didn't want to go down a road of seeming petty about things. And now that I see this is about his ego and not about business, I probably would have done things differently. The problem is I couldn't have seen that in advance. Like you don't

know what your former business partner's intentions are. So this probably doesn't apply to you. but it always, always helps to appraise the intentions of the people you're dealing with and make sure that they are healthy emotionally and have a real solution in mind instead of just playing out their childhood traumas in the lives of others. So never make the mistake of thinking that the people you're dealing with are rational, that they're emotionally healthy. That's just good advice in general. You know, I've been in business disputes before where I'm like,

why is this person doing this? And then you find out that, like, they don't have any. close friends, their parents were divorced as kids, like they've got all this trauma and you're like, oh, you're reenacting your stories right now. And then once you go from that angle, you're like, okay, so the only language you're going to understand is, you know, force, legal action, et cetera. And you can save yourself a whole lot of time and stress. And I also recommend when you do a new business deal in the future, have a breakup clause. Always have a breakup clause. I made that mistake a long time ago and it bit me in the butt too. We never have a

a breakup clause. My old partner and I were 50-50 and he spent all the money of the company on things like, oh, his honeymoon and things like that. And it was a mess. So if you have a breakup clause from the get-go, it makes it easier when it comes time to sever the relationship. Exactly. And just bear in mind, a breakup clause is not going to be in stone. People can always decide not to honor it. I mean, we had that and it didn't matter, right? That's why I'm suing him. As for staying positive, I called a lot of other people who have been in business for a long time and asked them what they think. And they all told me the same thing. This will be one of the best things that has ever happened to you.

And they turned out to be right. You know, especially valuable were the opinions of mutual friends because they were able to give me advice knowing who was on both sides of the equation. And those people, especially people that are still involved with the old company, were extra supportive of my new venture, the one you're listening to now. They gave me lots of promotion. They helped with quite a few things. And since they knew the situation quite well, and they had known Andrew Kazerowski, aka A.J. Harbinger, in air quotes, for years, they also, a lot of people kind of knew what I was dealing with without me having to explain.

Only a small handful of those people are still friends with both of us. I'll put that out there. And so I still get a lot of support from them, which leads me to believe that a lot of people who are good at fooling others and to think in their good people, eventually that facade crumbles especially as enablers of which I was definitely one especially as they lose their grip on those people and they start to separate from those people so spend less time trying to point all that stuff out to others and more time working on your new business and working on yourself i am very glad that i didn't sit around plotting revenge and instead i worked on the jordan harbinger show

with the team here i firmly believe that action ends suffering when it comes to rebuilding action focuses your energy on moving forward instead of on anxiety about what you've lost. And in the end, the Jordan Harbinger show is now way ahead of where the old company ever was. Tons of people have seen the true colors coming from the other side. Also, we've showed our medal as a team here. And they'll see yours too. So you want to make sure that you're showing the right things to the world. You've got to show grit, determination, integrity, diligence.

Let the other side embarrass themselves and flail. without you. You know, go get your best of Apple 2018 in whatever niche, you know, you've got, and don't worry about what the other guys are doing. They will screw up their own stuff in due time. And even if they appear to be doing well, just remember, you're probably going to look back on this is one of the best things that ever happened to you. Right now, I'm certainly happier than I've ever been, more profitable than we've ever been, less stressed than I've been in a long time, and I really look forward to the future. I almost never had that feeling when I worked with the company. Most of the team left the old company and joined us here in what we're doing now

for that exact same reason. We all felt we just didn't like working with that side of the business. And I know it's rough now, but you will be better off for this. You can take my word to the bank on this one. All right, next step. Dear JJ and Jay, as an entry-level job seeker fresh out of college, I'm wondering how, during an interview, I would make it clear that is a type one diabetic that I have to allot time for appointments every three to six months to visit my endocrinologist on top of other appointments, including dentists, blood work, ophthalmologists, etc. Sincerely, man with many doctors. So none of this needs to be mentioned when negotiating a job offer,

and it is almost certainly illegal for them to ask. There's just no need to mention this. That said, I know this is a medical issue that you have no control over, but I'd make darn sure that you make up for law. work time so that nobody can ever say you spend too much time out of the office whenever you need what some people might consider special treatment medical or otherwise you just have to work that much harder to make up for things never give anyone an excuse to see you as less than work twice as hard as everyone

and none of this medical stuff will matter at all is it unfair probably will it make you indispensable at work and make everyone forget about all these little doctor's appointments, things you need to do? Definitely. We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if you're listening to the show and the Overcast Player for iOS, please click that little star next to the show. It really helps us out. Now back to the show

for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, next. Hi, all. On the show, you both talk about some of the wrong reasons to move. What do you think are some of the right reasons? My husband and I are thinking about moving states and see some enticing potentials to this. We both live in the same area we grew up in. He wants to gain some different experiences, and I want to live in a place that has a little more relaxed kind of environment, and currently we live in the LA suburbs, and the expense is also a frustration of mine. We see some potential downsides to a move, so when do you decide that the pros outweigh the cons? If we do move, how do you narrow down the potential options? Thank you. you signed ready to hit the road i moved to get opportunities i seldom look at the expense which is

probably why i live in the most expensive place around i was going to say you live in in in money cash bag central that's right silicon valley up here yeah i mean hey i love it life is short i live near family experiences people opportunities whether those are my criteria and so i would say if you're going to have a massive lifestyle upgrade and you can live somewhere else go for it, you know, experiences people, opportunities, weather. If you've got family that's close to you now, that's a problem, you know, for moving. But I would say if you can live with other family elsewhere or move closer to other family and you don't have to sacrifice opportunities and you're not, you know, you can get different

or decent weather and you don't care about the weather, whatever, that's fine. You know, those are the tradeoffs, experiences people, opportunities, and weather. And Jason, you've moved a ton. Over a hundred times. A hundred times? over a hundred times. I lost count at about 110. Yeah. That's insane. Yep, that's the way it goes. I'm a vagabond. What can I say? So what do you, what criteria do you have? Culture. Culture is key for me. You know, they're coming from L.A. or the L.A. suburbs, and wherever they go, they're going to have

some kind of culture shock. I'm just going to tell you right now, there is no place like Southern California out there anywhere. We are just an ecosystem unto ourselves. So you need to find out what bits of the culture that you enjoy and that you need to sustain yourself when you move to a new place. Because if you move to Montana, you're going to have one hell of a case of culture shock. That's for sure. So you need to find the things that really kind of resonate with you and who you want to be around. Do you need a metropolitan area?

Do you need a rural area? Because, you know, your husband wants to have new experiences, but you're not going to get that if you move to some little town in Kansas. And I think that that's really. key and I'm with you on opportunities. Opportunities are key because if you guys go to a place and there's only like, you know, two job opportunities for this type of work that you do, you're going to be in trouble. You have to have the opportunities for where you're going to make a living and be comfortable. That's really important. And finally, lifestyle. You know,

do you like going out and make sure that there are options to where you're moving that are going to fit your tastes? I mean, I move back to Chicago. and, you know, the height of nightlife in the Chicago suburbs is Applebee is an olive garden, which is really not kind of my cup of tea. Like, I like going to Malibu and going to Nobu. And so, like, the food options in the suburbs of Chicago really were kind of miserable. I have to go downtown for that, which means travel. So you have to look at that kind of lifestyle.

What's going to make you happy on a Friday night when you want to go out and hang out and have some fun stuff? So those are the things because I really look at it more of, what are you going to do in your downtime? Because when you're working, you're working. You know, if you have the opportunities, like we mentioned, to get a good job, what are your weekends going to be like? What are your nights going to be like? Is that something that can sustain you and feed you and make you happy as a person?

So I really recommend diving into that before you go anywhere and making sure that the place you're going can sustain you spiritually on that level. I'm not trying to be woo-woo with it, but you have to have that kind of thing. when if you're like food, you have to go to a place where there is good food or activities that you can do. Do you like rock climbing? You need to go to a place there's rocks. And that's those are my tips.

Nice. Those are solid. All right. Good. Lifestyle, opportunities, culture, experience, people, weather. Lots to think about. But it is important. And there's something to be said for saving money.

But if you're miserable, but then you're putting more towards retirement, it's like, well, you know, Do you need a boat during retirement or can you live your life now, right? True that, true that. Nobody needs a boat, by the way. True story. You can always rent a boat. Facts. All right.

Next up. Hi, Jordan and crew. Often when I'm hanging out with a certain friend in public and we both start talking to someone, that person always seems to be comparing us to one another. This especially happens with one friend in particular who I've known for over a decade. He's just way too charismatic and personable. and I feel like I'm being shoved aside for the more attractive person. I try to edge into the conversation, but all my efforts go to waste.

I compare it to situations when I meet an attractive girl and she's hanging out with her unattractive friend. I'm really only interested in the attractive one, but I don't want to seem like a jerk. So I throw the unattractive one a bone every now and then with a split second glance or nod. Oh, good for you. Wow. Okay. I feel like I'm getting that treatment.

It makes me feel worthless, a masculine. and unimportant, and I often end up losing sleep over it days after it happens. What should I do in situations like these? Thanks, tired of playing second fiddle. Well, all right. I just hope that him writing this makes him more empathetic to that less attractive girl in the future in those conversations. Seriously.

I mean, dude, come on. Yeah, seriously. That you have to, like, I throw her a bone. Come on. Sheesh, yikes. I mean, I don't know. How old is this guy, do you think? It's hard to say.

Early 20s, probably. Has to be. Has to be. So, look, you're doing that aside, judgment aside, which we've already completed successfully. You're doing this to yourself. And I get it. I used to do this, too. Improve your game.

You know, if you're in your 20s, which I assume you are, you'll see the attention shift. Practice, listen to the show, focus on nonverbal communication, six-minute networking has the doorway drill. That's amazing for this specific thing. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is where that's at, if we haven't said it 150 times already. My buddy is a model with great game, and we hang out a lot,

and I can easily go toe-to-to-toe with them. Now, we're also both married, so it's all an academic exercise at this point, but we were just at South by Southwest, and it's funny because there's all these, like, promo gals and all these girls and stuff, And I was like, Jen, Peter and I are getting our game on. She's like, good luck, turds, you know.

And so she's like, you know, what are we dealing with? And I told her, she's like, oh, they're cute. And I was like, yeah, let's see. Peter's, you know, trying to get attention. And I'm, you know, we're going toe to toe. It's kind of fun. And but look, as we get older and get married off, man, this stuff all is just meaningless. It is far less important.

These single and thirsty women, they have one agenda. Regular folks have another. You're a fit for one agenda and not the other, man. You know, like, who cares? Somebody is looking for a snack. You know, you're not it. That's fine. Work on your game if you want that.

But this isn't like defining your life. You know, when you're 30, 35, you're not going to care at all about any of this. Yeah, definitely not. And there's just some ego going on here. I mean, his ego is bruised. So bad. Yeah, it's all ego, man. And remember that this is about the person you're talking to and they're

agenda. It has pretty much nothing to do with you. If you're hungry and you walk past a tax accountant office, but you don't go in, should the tax accountant feel bad about his business? Should he open a pizza place instead? No. So what happens when people just ate but they need their taxes done? You can't appeal to everyone, nor should you try. And that said, working on those social skills, up in your game a little if you're in the dating phase, it's never been easier. This is a great reason to do it. And you'll also know if it's working because you'll start being able to hold your own in conversation with your friend in tow. And that'll be great for you.

Learning to be extremely adept socially is a skill that will last you for your whole life, dating aside. So don't underestimate that. And like I said, six minute networking, great start there. As are the episodes we've got on nonverbal communication and things of that nature are also very, very solid, you know, if you're not in the remedial section. But this is the kind of stuff we're teaching to advance professionals and special forces as well when it comes to intelligence gathering.

So Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Good place to start and good luck. Good luck out there. Good luck, sir. Good luck, indeed. All right, next. Hi, Jordan, Jen, and Jason. How can I approach strangers and educate them on the environment,

specifically single-use plastic? The other day I was at Whole Foods grocery shopping and I watched a woman put one single carrot into a plastic produce bag as well as every single produce item, even bananas in her cart. and she wasn't the only one. It seems like everyone is just so unaware of the problems we're facing today, and they probably don't understand recycling isn't the answer,

and may not even be an option soon since China stopped taking our plastic. I'm a mom of two small children, and I worry about their future on this planet, especially since Stephen Hawking predicted we have 100 years left on Earth, and the UN report about only having 11 years to fix the planet before the risk of a climate crisis. I don't mean to sound like an apocalyptic loony, but these are real problems. we're facing today and we don't have until infinity and beyond to fix these problems. I lead by example by bringing my reusable shopping bags and produce bags amongst other things, but I'm the minority here.

I really appreciate your help with this one. Signed, concerned for my children, and the planet. Wow. So people are creatures of habit, of course. I think it's more helpful to educate the younger generation, you know, at schools and things like that. I googled plastic bag ban, and I noticed that the petroleum and plastic industry have a lot of fake information online to deter people from banning plastic bags. They'll say plastic bag bans are worse for the environment. I'm not sure how that works.

I feel the same frustration. I really do. I think it's horrible when somebody throws a banana in a carrot and a plastic bag. It's like there's a freaking peel on there. You're going to wash it. What are you doing? And then you know they're throwing that thing out, and it's going to end up in a sea turtle. It's really sad.

Lobby the store, get involved with the organizations that make this their priority. There are people that have their stuff together. You know, you can call the managers and management and tell them that. You can write letters, things like that. Your check and your dollars go a lot further than harassing random shoppers at Whole Foods. You can tell friends. You can enforce social norms. You can teach your kids, et cetera.

But the rest is going to have to be a movement and educating the next generation. Really. I really feel you on this one. It is scary. We are pretty screwed. The lobby from plastics and petroleum companies really makes me sick as well. It's shameful. It's evil, really.

Last but not least. Jordan and Jason, I've been listening to you for two years, and with your help, I just received a huge promotion. I'll be taking over my own retail store for the company I work for in my dream city. There's no way I could have gotten here without two mentors in my area. Both men are in their 50s who I struggle buying Christmas gifts for every year. What the heck do you buy for someone who has such a tremendous impact on your life? One of them is, I'm guessing, a millionaire or close to it, who often says he has everything he could ever want. The other is very well off as well and doesn't talk about his personal life much, but we've known each other for over 10 years.

Nothing could express the gratitude I feel in my heart. Thanks for everything, grateful and giftless. I reached out to John Rulin, who's been on the show about gifting, because this is always a little tricky. the key is this if they're married which by the way is statistically likely successful men are almost exclusively married i didn't realize that but apparently that's it skews that way that's why i'm single there's a lot of gift ideas some are better than others but in the affordable category knives with their names or if they've built a company then you can use if they're company right you can use the company logo the company they built if not use their name or a quote that they love because the wives are unacknowledged. Anything that includes the spouse is the key. You can put one of their quotes on it.

You can put an etching. If it's going to be for them as well, you can get his and her knives literally. I know this sounds ridiculous, but they'll use it every day. They'll be talking about it all the time. They'll be talking about you all the time as the gifter. You can etch like their lakehouse on there, their boat, something they love with the year and date on it, a quote, whatever. Then when the wives are asking and talking about you, if you want to take the relationship further, the option is much easier to do.

And I thought that was kind of a piece of genius, because otherwise you're sending them like a freaking gift basket, nobody cares, you're sending them a bunch of crap, nobody cares, guys who have $10 million, they don't need you to buy them anything, right? They have whatever they want. So you can also look into the book. It's called Giftology.

We'll link to that in the show notes. It's by John Rulin. We talked about it on the show before. He's really good at this. He really, really is. There's an audio version as well. He just, he knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing.

So I would strongly recommend this. I've got one too. This, my family did this for me and I was just so touched by it. If these guys have pets, get a local artist to do like a watercolor or an oil painting of their pet to give to them. Because my family gave me an oil or not an oil painting, a watercolor of Bam Bam, my big Rottweiler. Oh, really? for my birthday. It is one of the sweetest things I've ever gotten.

It's fantastic. It's sitting in my bedroom right now on the wall. And every time I go in, I smile at it because people love their pets. So if these guys have pets, think about getting, you know, just a custom piece of art of their pets for them because they will appreciate it because everybody loves their pets. Good call on the pets. I didn't even think about that. Pets and wives. Wives talk more than pets, though, generally.

Yeah, definitely. If you want to do the knives, we can. you can email me. You can also reach out to Heather at Rulen Group.com. She can help you with those knives. John offered her services for that. So Heather at Rulingroup.com.

And that's spelled R-U-H-L-I-N group.com. That's right. That's right. Life Pro-Tip. When responding to advice, and I noticed this the other day, actually, I was at a conference. Somebody was saying, I know, I know.

And I know what they meant. They were like, oh, yeah, you're right. I've heard this before. but the I know sounded a little dismissive. So when responding to advice or suggestions or feedback, say you're right instead of I know, it shows that you're actually listening to someone, that you care about what they say, and it gives them credit for trying to help. And on the other side of that same coin, if you already understand concepts and someone's

explaining something to you, like someone's explaining to you something that you already know. Instead of cutting them off or saying, I know or whatever, let them explain it to you, then ask insightful questions, you might learn a little bit more about that concept. You'll also find out how much that person knows about the concept. And then worst case scenario, you come off, even if you don't learn anything, you come off as intelligent rather than a know-it-all. So if someone's explaining something to you, ask them insightful questions, learn more about what they know and about that concept.

Worst case, you look like you're smart. And when responding to advice, say you're right instead of, I know. that is your pro tips of the week. I love that because I am a, I always say I know, always. And it makes me sound like an arrogant dick. And I love the fact that we have an alternative now. I can just say, you're right, you're right. And that, you know, at least validates them for the advice that they're giving.

And I am going to write this down and put it on a sticky on my mirror. So I do this all the time because I am really bad at doing the, yeah, I know, I know. Yep. Uh-huh. And just dismissing people and it makes them feel like crap and it makes you look like an asshole. So I really like this tip. Exactly.

Yep, exactly. Recommendation of the week, leaving Neverland. Oh, boy. Jason, have you seen this? What? Yes, I have seen this one. This is a one of them barn burners. Oh, my goodness.

It's bonkers, man. I don't even know what to say. I went from like, oh, it's a bunch of people trying to get money from the estate, you know, same old crap. Which it is, but it's sure. That doesn't mean it's not true. 20 minutes into the film, I was like, guilty. So guilty. Oh, yeah.

It just gets so detailed on everything. And you just go, oh, these guys are not ruining their lives like this to like make it up. Yeah, I mean, the guys that are basically in the documentary are kind of scumbags as well. Are they? I don't know. Yeah, they are. The one guy basically slept with Justin Timberlake's girlfriend who was, oh, I don't know, Britney Spears at the time. He's kind of been blackballed from a lot of the industry for like his choreography and stuff. There's a lot on both sides that's going on in here. Because since I live in Hollywood and I know a lot of the people who deal with this whole thing, I do know that all of the allegations are true. Just from being around people who know. that family and the people around him in his orbit who helped actually facilitate a lot of this stuff. 100% true. Michael was a scumbag.

Can't get past that. The kids that are talking, not the kids, the grown-ass men who are also in the documentary, kind of scummy too. So you got scummy on both sides. But the thing about this is, I look at this is we have a trifecta here of from the R. Kelly documentary. Then we go to abducted in plain sight, and then we go to leaving Neverland. This is a trilogy of horrible parents.

Horrible parents. Who would leave their kids with a 35-year-old man and say, yeah, sure, you can sleep over in his bed. Yeah, you're right. It's so gross. Like, talk about absolute just starfuckers. Pardon me. That's exactly it. They are starfuckers.

That's everybody from R. Kelly to the Michael Jackson thing. They knew what they were getting into. They wanted the fame. They wanted the money. They wanted the notoriety for their kids. And they were just willing to turn a blind eye. You know, no, never mind. I was going to mention the R. Kelly interview.

Speaking of R. Kelly, I don't even want to go there right now. Oh, yeah. That whole freak out. That's just epic. Freak out. Jeez. All right. So anyway, it's on HBO.com, leaving Neverland.

HBO Go, if you got an app for it. Oh, my goodness. I'm sure you can get out on BitTorn. It is just. bananas. It's long. It's four hours. Yeah, it's four hours long. At least, right? Because it's two parts. Yeah, it's four hours. Yeah, it's two, two hour parts. Yeah. My goodness. We watched it over two days because we just like, you have to take a break in between. Otherwise, you're just like, you're going to explode. But yeah, it's two, two hour parts. And it is just, it's riveting.

And just seeing all the footage and everything. And yes, there was the secret room where he had all of his porn stashed and Jesus juice and the whole nine yards. Oh, spoiler alert. It's not a spoiler alert. It was in the court documents when they took him to court, you know? It's all that stuff happened. It's crazy. A lot of you have sent me this Dexter Guff is smarter than you show and asked me if I'd heard of it.

And I threw out some feelers and then this guy calls me and leaves me a voicemail. Jason, I think we should play this for everyone. Hitting the play button now. You know who this is. Got a pretty big social imprint. You'll find me online. at DexGuff. Listen, man, listening to your show. Want to give you a couple of thought dogs, a little bit of feedback here. Some of the questions in those interviews, man, they are softball, brother. You got a deep dive on some of those subjects. You know, this is just one thought leader to another. One think fluencer to another. You know, if you want to know what a deep dive interview is like, listen to my show. Dexter Guff is smarter than you. Actually, hold on now. Hold on now. Hold on. I've got a bit of brain juice flowing here, brother. I dare you to be on my show. That's a lot. That's right. Can you imagine that? Two Titans of Industry on some hot mics. That would be very, very cool.

Anyways, if this peaks your interest, because mine's peaked. But if it peaks your interest, find me, brother, at Dex Guff on social, you'll find me, you know me, you know who this is. Dex Guff, out. So, of course, with an enticing invitation like that, I had to go and do his show to see what the hell is going on here. And so that episode, which you will love, comes out on the 26th on Himalaya and the 27th everywhere else. It's called Dexter Guff is smarter than you can find it in the Himalaya app or any podcast player on the 26 or the 27th, depending on where you're looking for it. And I will be in there and trying not to laugh. Because you're, you know, you're busting the thought bombs. Dropping thought dogs.

Thought dogs. On Dexter Guff, yeah. One thought, link fluencer to another. That's right. I hope you all enjoyed the show this week. I want to thank everyone that wrote in. Don't forget, you can email us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air.

We'll always keep you anonymous. A link to the show notes can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Quick shout out to everyone I met at Podfest and South by Southwest. Super fun events. Looking forward to next year as well as when I plan better because I kind of just showed up to Southby. And go back and check out the guests, AJ Jacobs and Brian Scudamore if you haven't yet. And if you want to know how I created an amazing network, I've told you before a lot during this show. It's all about the personal and professional relationships.

It's all about giving before you receive and not even worrying about receiving. Give without the attachment to getting anything in return. We created six minute networking to replace the level one course. I have nothing to do with level one, FYI. I left advanced human dynamics entirely. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course six minute networking. It's free. No upsell.

Go do it. Don't wait. Don't kick the can down the road. you got to dig the well before you're thirsty. Once you need those relationships, you are too late. And it takes six minutes a day, quick crying. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. And Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube is where the video interviews are on YouTube. Jason?

My personal website is at jpd.com.me. And you can check out my tech podcast that comes out twice a week over at grumpy old geeks at gog.com or your podcast player of choice. This show is produced in association with podcast one, and the episode was co-produced by Jen Harbinger. Show notes for the episode are by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Remember to try to keep them concise if you can. It really does increase the chance that your question will get answered on the air. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't.

Lots more in the pipeline. Very excited for some of these upcoming guests. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way.

Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not, the through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people

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