The Jordan Harbinger Show - 182: How to Overcome Your Fear of Driving | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: April 5, 2019

Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now, let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Is your significant other right to be upset that you want to spend some of your social time separately? Is spending eight years to switch careers from barber to therapist worthwhile in your mid-forties? Is there anything wrong with hiding the fact that you're in a relationship when you meet new people? You're still young, but your mindless six-figure job is wearing on you. Would it be irresponsible to drop everything and do something else? How can you overcome your intense fear and anxiety around driving? More important: should you? Our listener whose dog was attacked in episode 161 tracked down the human responsible. What's the best next step? Extensive (and very appreciated!) listener advice for helping the hoarders from last Feedback Friday. Do we ever worry that recommending podcasts we enjoy will result in fewer listeners? Life Pro Tip: When your ISP raises your bill, call in and say “cancel service” to the automated operator. You’ll be sent to their retention team. They will usually take $10-20 off your monthly bill for a year. I do this once a year with Comcast. Recommendation of the Week: Why Not Home? Quick shoutouts to Andrea Ott and Annie Chau! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! On Divorce Sucks with Laura Wasser, family law attorney Laura Wasser answers questions, shares anecdotes and chats with opinionated men and women, innovative thought-leaders and celebrities about breaking up, getting...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason Nafilipo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests, and this week we had Zvi Band talking about networking systems and automation, among other things. He's the founder of Contactually, a software that I use all the time to manage like 1,400 relationships, and we had a deep dive on blaming others and yourself, for that matter, with Gabriel Mizrahi, that was the other episode this week, talking about not only the dangers of blaming other people, but also why we can't simply take all the blame ourselves, which is a solution that many of us come to with accountability, which actually has its own set of issues that make it

harder or impossible to solve the problem itself. And this is a good one for blame, both in the workplace, but also, especially in your personal life. So go back and listen to those two episodes this week, if you haven't already. Also, as you know, I write every so often on the blog, the latest post is how to keep going when your purpose makes you miserable. In other words, how to persevere, if indeed you should even do that, when the thing that you thought was your calling or your purpose or your passion turns out to be just as awful as any other job. And that happens to anyone who is successful in turning their hobby into a career.

And I know I've certainly been through that myself. And I go through that myself. So this piece has gotten a lot of great feedback online as well. That's Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles is where all those are. So make sure you've had a look and a listen there. week to all that stuff that we produced for you. We work so hard. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guests and our experiences and insights to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations more or less directly with you. That's what we're

going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Man, Jason, did I tell you I went to a maximum security prison? I heard you were going to do something crazy like that. How did that go? Dude, it was, this was life-changing. And I I don't mean that like, wow, my colon cleanse was life changing. You know, the yoga class was life changing. This is a maximum security prison in California. And I went with this organization and it was me and a bunch of other entrepreneurs.

And a lot of these guys, 75% life sentences, by the way, at Kern Correctional Facility. And we walk in there and there's a bunch of guys that have done in the past some pretty horrible stuff and have now been in there for so long that they're just not even the same person they were when they went in. And a lot of them have business ideas

and they're training for jobs. So we did like mock job interviews. We did like not quite like Shark Tank, but like, you know, they told us their pitch for their business and we critiqued it. We also had fun stuff happening like a lip sync contest and it was just absolutely a blast. And I'm literally partnered up with this guy

who was in MS-13 and he's telling me like how he's been in prison for 20, 12 years and he's 27. That's crazy. It was just crazy. Yeah. And he's like, I think I got to, I worry when I get out, you know, I got to have all these tattoos removed and I was like, hey, the good news is now having full sleeve tattoos and neck tattoos and all this stuff on your head is not quite as gauche as it was in the 90s or whatever or like in the early odds. You know, you just look like a barista in Brooklyn or a tattoo artist or something like that, except you know, you're going to have to cover up some of the,

this guy literally had tattoos on his neck of, like, killing people. And I was like, you're going to want to blend those into something else or have those removed. And you're going to want to have your finger tats removed because those are so clearly really vicious gang tats. But everything else, like, you're kind of, you'll be all right. Grow your hair out a little bit. And he's like, yeah, some of these I have to remove for safety concerns.

And I was like, oh, yeah, I didn't even think about that. Like, some of the stuff is just the wrong person sees it. and it's very clear that you are on the wrong side of the tracks. So I have a question about how does a person with a life sentence actually start a business? Yeah, so life sentence, you usually get paroled at some point. Okay. And a lot of people who have sentences for armed robbery or other violent crime, they don't get more than a few years or they get a dozen years or, you know, 15 years or something like that before parole or before they're released.

and so a lot of them, they want to get out and they want to get jobs, so they want to get out and they want to start a business. And a lot of them had really good ideas. You know, one guy was like, hey, this might be a dumb idea, but I see on TV and back at my old neighborhood that was junk everywhere.

People had in their attic, they had it in the basement, they had it in the front yard, they had it in the backyard, it was around the neighborhood. So what I'm going to do is get a truck and people can call me and I'll go pick up the junk

and I'll recycle it, it'll sell it for scrap or I'll take it to the dump. And I was like, not only is this a really good idea, it's a $400 million, company in 1-800 got junk. And he was like, oh, and I was like, don't be disappointed.

It's a franchise. You know, you're on to something. You had such a good idea that my friend runs 1-800 got junk, and it's just an absolutely super profitable business. So, you know, there were other guys that just had ideas that weren't as good, but you get where their heads at, because it's like unless you can Google and do research, which you cannot, if you're in prison, then you don't know that, like, fiberglass melt. necessarily.

Right? So they're like, I want to make a fiberglass shell that goes around houses so that they can't catch fire and I was like, that's a good idea, kind of, except fiberglass melts.

That is true. So there were other, and he's like, oh, man, I thought that would be great because it'd be kind of clear and you could put it over the wood and I was like, yeah, yeah, I see where her head's at.

It's just, you know, logistical stuff. But the creativity was there. So it was fascinating. And a lot of those guys had a lot of pain, man, we heard a lot of their life stories and, you know, they were saying, like, I made bad choices. And I was like,

Look, I appreciate the accountability. But when you're eight and one parent kills another and you go live with your cousins and they've got eight brothers and sisters and half of them are in gangs and you're rolling around with them because there's no adult in the house and the other adult that was in the house is incarcerated. And so your gang member, siblings or cousins that are getting killed. So you carry a gun to protect yourself. Then someone tries to kill you and you kill them instead. And now you're in prison. It's like, well, okay, there were choices there. Like you could have just been like, I'm going to be the living embodiment of an after school.

special and stay in the library and graduate, or you could be like, I'm thinking what choice would I have made? And the answer is not, it's not, I would, I would not have gone to the library and stayed away from all the trouble. I would have carried a gun and joined the gang. Yep. So, absolutely. Yes, you made choices. Did you make choices that 99.9% of other humans would have made in the exact same circumstances? Yes, it's a little more forgivable at that point, in my opinion. And so you see, but for the grace of God go I, right? Like you see, okay, so I just kind of won the birth lottery. And so I'm not in prison with fake teeth because I, you know, their teeth are all knocked

out from fighting and or they just had bad dental care. And some of these guys were in solitary confinement for like 10, 20 years at a time. So they're not doing so good emotionally. Yeah, that'll mess you up. Yeah, it was pretty intense. definitely plan on going back to the prison. I've got some things, some ideas on this. And I don't know, maybe we'll run an event that's open to the public. I don't even know how this would work. I mean, I'm thinking about, I'm like, wow, if I talk about this on the show, people are going to want to go.

Yeah, I want to go. I know. Everybody I've told is like, how do I do this? So I want to see what other opportunities there might be to take people to certain prisons, especially here in California. Kern's really far. It's three hours in the middle of nowhere near Bakersfield, but it's probably the closest one to a city because I was looking at Pelican Bay, which is where they HQ this program, this Hustle 2.0 program that my friend Kat Hoek runs.

And Pelican Bay is like six and a half hours away from San Francisco. It's on the border of Oregon and California. So it's just these are not easily accessible, which is probably the idea, just saying. Yeah, I think that's really what they're going for. You don't really want to put that in the middle of San Francisco. I mean, they did it with Alcatraz, but they did have a moat. They did.

They did. It's too bad that there's not a more convenient prison location because I would love to do this on the regular. But, man, that's, Kern is just so far. There's just not a whole lot of opportunity to do it. And, you know, Ryan, so when I was in law school, I worked at a juvenile detention facility helping those kids. And it was super rewarding. I mean, there's, it's easy to think that everybody in prison is like a horrible human being. And that's just not the case.

There are a few, but, you know, there are a lot of. good people who really want to fix themselves and get out and be normal productive members of society. Yeah, there are a few for sure. I mean, this prison, Kern had 3,500 plus inmates and 75% had life sentences. Even if there were a 50% margin of error, which I hope to God there is not, that's still a lot of people in there that earned their way in by not following the rules. Anyway, Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hi, Jordan and Jason. Congrats on the success and transition from the old company. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and recently moved in together.

We make a great couple and I believe will end up together. The only thing we fight over is spending time apart. She insists that when we socialize, we socialize together as a couple, and she gets upset when I suggest social time alone. Am I asking too much to have some social freedom? Sincerely, premature ball and chain. Yeah, so this one is interesting for me because I don't have the same experience with Jen. but I see a lot of my friends that do, and I feel bad for them because you're not asking for too much here. You need to have a conversation probably more than one, and it should be an ongoing dialogue about what you like to do, why you need this social time alone. Because to you, it's time to recharge, focus on others, focus on relationships with friends, and to her being alone working on your social life, this might, slash probably in my gut here, signifies some sort of weakening of their relationship.

She feels like you're choosing other people over her, or maybe she's reliant on you for social contact, et cetera. And over time, if left unchecked, this will actually damage your relationship with her because you'll feel trapped. You'll feel smothered. This will lead to resentment. And then, so in a way, it backfires if you don't get it handled. You know, it blows up in her face and yours, for that matter. Congrats on moving in together. Now is the time to get this sort of thing out.

open. Actually, the time was as soon as you saw the problem, but I get it. Reassure her that spending time with friends alone is not the same thing as abandoning her, and you both need to be on the same page with that. If you're not, this problem will be like water and a sidewalk crack that freezes every time you can't go hang out with other people or every time that you do and she's upset about it, and you've got to focus on these relationships in the way that you want to. And eventually, that ice and that crack pushes the concrete apart in a way that's very hard to repair. And that's what's going to happen to your relationship if you're not careful. And the last bit of advice here is that these types of problems are easier to fix that earlier on in the relationship that

you address them. Because later on, if you say, hey, this doesn't mean that. She's like, great, I got to undo five years of programming with my ex-boyfriend and now three years of programming with you or whatever. As time goes on, this just gets harder and harder. So if you start handling it now, it'll most likely get easier over time as you build trust with her and your relationship grows stronger, which won't happen automatically. I know it's tempting to think like, oh, the longer we get to know each other, the more shall trust me. That's not necessarily how this is going to work.

What this won't do is fix itself. So don't chicken out on this. If you need help addressing it, go get a therapist and then go in for a check and talk about it. You can go in alone the first time and then bring your girlfriend the second time. But don't wait. This is not going to fix itself. Trust me. Been there, done that. And it does not get easier the longer you wait. All right, next up.

Hey, Triple J. I became a mother at a young age and spent my early to mid-20s staying at home to care for my three children. I eventually got licensed as a cosmetologist and barber, which I've been doing successfully for the past nine years. Two years ago, I opened my own one-woman barbershop and it's afforded me an income I didn't think was possible without an education. However, I don't have benefits such as retirement or health insurance. This keeps me up at night, and I don't see barbering, as a viable means to provide income as I age for various reasons. I also vehemently don't wish to explore further business opportunities in this industry. My children are blossoming and getting older and therefore less dependent on me. I'm considering going back to school to get credentialed

in marriage and family therapy since I do it on my job anyway and I'm quite good. You wouldn't believe all the things people share with their barber or stylist. The process would be cumbersome and long since I would have to start at the very beginning and do it part time while also working and mothering. I have major anxiety about taking math, but also think I would enjoy learning and would feel a great deal of pride upon finishing, as well as setting a positive example for my daughters. If it took eight years to finish, would this journey be ROI positive considering the expense, time, and beginning a new career in my mid-40s? Also, to be noted, I receive a lot of unwanted attention, at times very inappropriate from some clients. As a therapist, would it be worse? Signed, ready to move on from the salon.

Well, I certainly can sympathize with this and with a career shift and making that scary. If you finish your certification and you're in your mid-40s, you will be working, let's say, another 20-plus years, right? 20-plus years doing something you enjoy that pays more versus 30-plus more years as a barber, not sure if you can retire, not sure if you enjoy it. Eight years is a long time, I get that. But it's not like you won't be getting practice in that area and working towards something that you enjoy. It'll make the existing Barbara career more palatable as well because you know you're heading for a change at some point. And don't worry about taking math classes. Taking courses pass fail is almost always an option.

I mean, it was when I was in school. I assume they have not changed for this. And you can get a tutor and pass for sure. Math is scary for a lot of people, including myself. But whenever I've had to take a math course in the past, I just get a tutor and I end up in the top half or top third of the class anyway. It's just a ton more work. But you know, you get it done. it's over. I don't know how much, I don't know how many math courses you have for therapy.

Probably just have to certify at like the algebra level or something. There can't be that much. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if you can practice a career for more than the amount of time it took you to get certified in that career, it's a win. Also, even if you go to school for it and you decide you don't like it, that is also valuable information because you know you're not missing out on something that could have been the perfect career for you or whatever. A lot of people are afraid to try new careers because they're afraid that they won't like that new career, which kills the dream. And this thought pattern keeps them stuck where they are, which is particularly scary. It's particularly dangerous, and I'm all too

familiar with that as well. Last but not least, it sounds like some of your clients are hitting on you, I guess, is that what I'm, that's what I'm taking from your comment about unwanted attention. And I assume they're not just complimenting your barber skills to the point where you're embarrassed. So, sure, I'm sure there are therapists listening who will say, I get hit on. It's unbelievable. But for the most part, I think there's another level of respect for your marriage and family therapist, I would hope, versus your hairstylist where you think, like, oh, I'm alone in this chair and she's pretty cute. I don't know if that's the case, whether this is common or whether this should be the case is a different story, but I would say that you're probably less likely to get

unwanted attention as a therapist than you are as a hairdresser or a barber. Besides, if you do, you'll be equipped to handle this as part of the therapy instead of just having the rest of the haircut be super awkward. You know, you'll get tools for that. So best of luck on your new career, I think you should go for it, at least try it out and see if this is something you're in for, because eight years is a long time, but I'm sure you'll be glad that you're moving forward, because that always feels good. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind,

and please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just go on over to Jordan Harbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. All right, next. Hi, Jordan and team.

So here's my problem. I don't mean to brag, but I'm considered an attractive guy in my late 20s. I have a stable job that pays well. I'm outgoing and have a sense of humor. I also like to go out to meet people as I like to branch out and know different people in different fields. However, I often find myself hiding the fact that I'm in a relationship when I meet new people, especially girls, as I feel that being single is an asset most of the time. Girls seem to be more willing to hang out and invite me to events.

Being an Asian based in Asia, I can tell you almost everyone in this age group is looking for someone to settle down with. While I have no intention of dating around and I don't flirt with them, I also feel like I would jinx my chances of making a friend more easily if I let them know my status. But as the hangout progresses, I often feel like I need to let them know, but I often feel like it's a very douchy, quote, I know you're into me, but this ship has sailed, kind of assumption. Or they might feel kind of tricked because I withheld this information. Is there any way to keep the intrigue that girls have when they think a guy's single without having to throw it out there right away? Also, I really like to hang out with people one-on-one, both guys and girls. I feel the conversations are deeper and less hindered so you can get to know the

person better. However, I sometimes think that grabbing dinner or drinks with a girl alone isn't the most appropriate thing. Even when there's no ill intent, I also don't want to make my girlfriend jealous or suspicious because there isn't really anything to it, but inevitably it will come to that. Is there a way that I can hang out with girls one-on-one without raising any issues? Or do I just have to accept the fact that I can no longer hang out with girls alone ever again? To quote when Harry met Sally, men and women can never be friends, signed an unconvinced Harry. Hmm. I get this.

I get this. When you meet someone new, especially if you're doing this for social or business, it is kind of cool if they're like not sure, right? Especially, because you don't know their agenda. So if you're in your 20s and you're going out with a bunch of girls, it's great if they're kind of able to evaluate whether they like you. And then they get a little bit attracted. And then if they find out you have a girlfriend, unless they're really hooked on that

agenda, they'll probably still be friends with you. They'll be like, oh, well, whatever, you know. And they'll become friends with you. That's how I made a huge number of friends back in the day. I also make friends now that I'm married, so it doesn't really matter, but I can see that it's easier at that age to be single. And I do think it's a little tricky, depending on how long you keep this going, though. If you let people know sooner rather than later, then I think it's totally fine.

And yes, of course, men can hang out with women and be friends and all that. I totally believe that it just has to be that the agenda has to be on the table, right? Or the cards have to be on the table and the agenda has to be pretty clear. You can't have one person that's like, yeah, we're friends, but secretly wants to bang the other person or become more significant than a friend. So the rule here is anytime you think somebody wants something from you that you can't give, you have a responsibility to let them know in a polite way. It doesn't have to be like, I saw you smile at me, but I'm taken.

Sorry to ruin your day. But up to the point where you find, one, they're flirting with you or the rapport is getting deeper, or two, you start to feel that guilt, then it's time to work in that you're not single. You can pull the whole, yeah, my girlfriend and I were thinking about checking out this restaurant. You know, do want to head out there at some point? She can't make it. That, you know, that's fine. And the way that you can do this is less awkward. You can preempt it.

While you're meeting and hanging out with people, if you sense things going in that direction, ask them in a polite way. they're single and then tell them you have a friend that they might like. In this way, they can find out you're in a relationship but not immediately get too disappointed. And if you don't have a friend they might like, you can do the same thing and say, yeah, I'm always on the lookout to hook up my friends. So I just want to know what category to put you in. That way, they're maybe not immediately disappointed. You get the best of both worlds here and you can hook them up with somebody if you have that option. I think men and women can be friends, of course. Everyone has to be on the same page. And you have to be honest with your intention.

they have to be honest with theirs. You don't have to throw away all the benefits of being an attractive guy who's on the market just because you're no longer on the market. You just have to be careful not to mislead anyone. And now you know how women feel, by the way. This happens to them a lot more than it happens to us. That much I'll guarantee.

Right? Like, girls going, oh, my boyfriend, this, there's a funny video. Jason, have you seen that one? It's this English comedian. And he sees a girl carrying like a fish tank, and then he's talking with her, he's like, oh, hey, how are you doing?

She's like, oh, yeah, my boyfriend and I are moving, and he just drops the fish tank and it explodes. And then a girl's like, oh, something, something. She's got this dog. And she's like, yeah, my fiance and I, and he punts the dog. It's so, it's, it's, yes, it's horrible for that reason, but it's so funny, dude, I got to find this video. We'll link it in the show notes.

And it's just, this is how, this is how someone feels when they're flirting with you and they have an agenda and they're not really just being nice. It's such a funny video. We'll link to that in the show notes here. All right, next step. Hey, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. I'm a 24-year-old woman and currently working in the minds of northern Alberta, Canada. I make just in the six-figure mark and work a seven days on, seven days off shift.

Awesome. Except that I have to fly to work and stay in camp while I'm there, and it's really starting to affect me mentally as well as my personal life. The work is static and mindless. I really want to travel and I'm thinking about doing a gap year with the money I've saved up, approximately $30,000. aside from another $30,000 I saved in my pension. Is it irresponsible for me to drop everything and go?

I've done yoga certifications and I'm a leader at the studio back home, and that's where I plan to go when I get back from my year away. I also plan on going back to school for psychology with an eye on counseling. Any advice on how I should go about this, or if I'm making a mistake leaving my six-figure job. Thanks, too much, too young. Interesting question. And, you know, these minds, we actually have a lot of people who work in mines, oil sands, oil rigs.

Podcasts must be really popular with that kind of crew because they probably have crap service up in the northern part of Canada. Yeah, you're out in the middle of nowhere. You can load up your iPod before you head up to the mines. That's right, yeah. And when we were on satellite,

we had a ton because I think it was like the only radio they got up there. So I understand that much. Your sanity is almost never worth trading for money. I say almost because sometimes, well, actually it's never worth trading for money, I guess sometimes you feel like you have to do it

because the consequences are that you're broke and you can't take care of yourself or other people and your family, which would really make you more stressed and destroyer's sanity in another way. If you had kids, if you had to take care of someone financially other than yourself, I get it, but in this situation,

it is 100% not worth it. You're 24, now is the best time to travel in your 20s. The fact that you can afford it is fantastic, do it. You can absolutely do a killer world trip with that amount of money, and it'll be life changing. You probably even still have to. some left over, depending on how you go.

Teaching yoga when you get back obviously will not pay as much, at least not at first. But if you love it, you love it. There's plenty of time to re-certify and do other things as well, like that psychology and counseling degree you were looking at, which you could turn into a practice and make just as much, if not more than you make in the minds in Alberta, and also not be in a camp with a bunch of smelly dudes, hating life, spending your days trying to get cell phone service and sub-zero temperatures. So, or whatever it's like, maybe it's really cool up there.

Sorry, if you work up there in a camp and you like it and I'm stereotyping, my bad. It's just, that's what I'm imagining, sort of lumberjacky cabins with a lot of people watching DVD players and stuff like that. And killing time or reading books. Whenever we let go of a big paycheck, it is scary. And it can be a sudden loss of income that really registers and is like a slap in the face. What we don't realize is that often by keeping that paycheck, we're slowly letting go of our sanity and quality of life by letting stress pile up. Long term, that is far worse for us emotionally and physically, and no amount of cash can buy you your 20s back, and you can't purchase your way to emotional health either.

I'm not saying you have to quit right away, but I think you've got a solid plan to go to school and take that gap year, and now is a great time to do just that. So keep in touch and keep us posted and make sure the show goes with you on your world tour. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

And if you're listening to this in Overcast on iOS, please click that little star next to the episode. We really appreciate it. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, Jason, what's next? Dear Jordan and Jason, I'm a 30-year-old city girl who's had a driver's license for only a few years, but don't drive. My husband's been trying to get me to drive for two years,

since I moved in with him in New Jersey. Rationally, I know I should learn for various reasons like independence or in case of emergency, but I'm so scared I'll hurt someone with the car. I took on a few more driving lessons and felt calm driving when I had the instructor on 25 to 45-mile-an-hour roads. However, driving with my husband in the car is a totally different story. One time I hit someone's car in a parking lot. Since then, I've been really nervous. After a few months of a break, I'm now back to practicing again.

I wonder if you have any advice on how to overcome my fear and anxiety towards driving. Thank you so very much and looking forward to more amazing content from your team. Sincerely yours, worst driver in America. All right, that's pretty bad. Yikes. Look, I'd like to think anyone can learn how to drive. I'm pretty sure that that's true, but whether or not there's ROI here is a different story. Driving is something that is useful, especially here in the States where public transport is really bad. But we now have Uber and Lyft. This isn't something you really need to do if you can't or you don't want to. And, yeah, There's a greater issue here about anxiety and getting rid of anxiety through practice.

Of course, the answer here is to take a lot of driving lessons with a private instructor. Don't simply practice on your own and don't simply practice in the car while your husband yells and screams at you if he does that. I feel like many husbands do that. It doesn't help at all. And that said, if you're hitting people's cars in the parking lot and you live in a city and you're worried you're going to damage other cars, you're going to hurt someone, you probably should not drive. you have a very high chance in a city of getting into an accident where you get hurt, others get hurt, or there's significant property damage to your car, other cars, fixed to stationary property.

This damage will long term be much, much more expensive than walking and biking short trips and paying for Lyft and Uber or taking public transport for longer trips. In fact, depending on your commute to work, there's a good chance that taking lift and Uber on the days where you need a car is going to be cheaper than a car payment and car insurance, especially if your insurance premiums go through the roof because you've run over mailboxes and signs and dogs and kids. And I don't see why anyone in a city has, in this day and age, has to be able to drive. Yeah, of course, it's good for emergencies. This is otherwise an antiquated idea, especially since you're living in a city on the East Coast. You're much more likely to cost

more money and be more dangerous than simply calling Uber and Lyft when you really need to drive somewhere. And I know that's probably not what you were hoping for, but if you do the math on this one, it just does not make sense. The bigger message in this question is that we should be thinking about the ways in which we invest our time and money. Are we doing things just because that's how they've always been done or because that's what people say should be done? Is there a reason, for example, for many people, it doesn't make sense to purchase a home? But somehow, It's American as apple pie, even if financially it sometimes just does not make as much sense as renting. There are a lot of little things we feel we have to do, even if the logic behind those ideas is not sound, was never sound, is outdated, or simply doesn't make sense for us any longer.

So buckle up in your case and let someone else do the driving. I think unless you were really hell bent on learning how to drive, in which case you need to get solid tutelage so that it's easy for you. this is not something you should be sort of faking it. You're 30. This isn't something that you just tried twice and are bad at it. That's a problem. This is lethal for you or for others and very expensive when you hit things. I don't really get why you need to do it. If you're not good at it, you shouldn't do it in this case. And all the other drivers on the road will thank you. Yeah. And all the other drivers on the road will thank you exactly. All right, what's next? Hey, Triple J, I have an update. Thank you so much for your previous advice. My neighbors

have pulled through and found the owner whose dog attacked my dog. My dog got attacked two months ago. The owner ditched the scene and I posted some signs and someone finally came back stating that they saw them. They sent me photos in the license plate and I confirmed that it was the same owner and dog that attacked my dog. What should I do next? Should I approach it face to face and ask him to pay the veterinary bills if I can find his address via license plate somehow? Or should I go straight to filing a civil case for the cost of my dog's veterinary care, which was $1,000? Thanks a bunch, signed, could I have done more from episode 161? So normally, I'd say just address this person to person.

The issue here is you said he fled the scene. And I know you said you didn't file a police report. Now is the time, in fact, it's pretty late, but maybe not impossible, to file a police report. You need to do this regardless of what the next step is, so just go ahead and do that. He's not going to get arrested for this, per se. But you need this to prove property damage to your dog, which is weird, but your dog is your property. You need that to prove to any insurance, et cetera. It's not like this is a local neighbor who feels bad and handed you his phone number right

away. So you have to assume here that he is not going to be cooperative if he bounced and got the heck out of there as soon as that happened. And even if he were, a police report doesn't necessarily blame him for a crime. It just reports the property damage. So don't feel bad doing it. Next time, do it right away. After, of course, you take care of your dog.

Once you file this report, then you can approach him for the bill if you think it's safe. to do so. Don't go to his house. Don't go alone. Go with a friend who can witness his reaction. And if you want to approach this person to, you might even be able to get the police to go with you after you file the report, which would be safer. And you can say, look, I just want to go and talk to this person and they might be like, hang on, you know, this is not, this could end poorly. So depending on the state you're in, you might want to also record the conversation. You got to check the laws for this. But generally, you can record. a public place as long as one party knows what's happening. But this isn't necessarily true for every

state and you might need permission from the venue to record, et cetera. If you plan on calling him on the phone and you're not doing this in person, you can record the call. But again, check on state law and see if one or both parties need to consent to this. This can be under eavesdropping statutes or potentially wiretapping statutes. It depends on which state you're in. Again, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, so you've got to check the law just in case. Because in places like California, both parties need to consent, which means you can't just unilaterally record a phone call. It's illegal. And if he cooperates, great, he should.

If he doesn't, then you can file the suit and you have a police report, a witness who can, of course, of your friend, a witness who could speak to you trying to handle this outside of court, and possibly you have a recorded call showing how he handled the situation. All of this can only help your case. So keep us posted. It's very cool. You found the guy. What are the odds?

You have good neighbors. And hopefully he just says, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Let me help you. Let me meet you halfway. Let me pay for this. You know, you might have trouble with a civil suit. But if you do, it's better to have the police essentially on your side or at least having documented what happened.

And having the police on your side is going to make it a lot easier to find him from a license plate number instead of having to go to, say, a private investigator and pay them. So then you're out of pocket even more. So yeah, take that license plate to the police. Exactly. We also got a follow up on the hoarder question. from episode 179, a previous feedback Friday. And this is from Genevieve.

She actually has personal experience from this. And yes, she didn't need to be anonymous in this one. So that's why we used her name. So don't worry. We always keep everyone anonymous unless we're told otherwise. Hoarders won't change until they're ready, period, even with help. She said it took her aunt 20 years in the loss of her two sons and husband to be ready to ditch the mess. They're still working on it.

But she really got a lot of good advice. one tip or a few tips here get the hoarders out of the house because they don't realize the energy suck being around all that stuff and it's a good sign if you can get them out of the house that they're no longer comfortable being there and if they never leave your case will be more difficult you should also encourage sobriety in subtle ways financial woes drug and alcohol dependency they all compound that stuff and so don't be an enabler that sort of goes into the next tip, which is be aware of fringe enablers and don't be one. In this case, Genevieve's mom was saying things like, oh, don't you love this item? You should buy it

because she couldn't afford the item herself and she wanted it. And so she encouraged the hoarder to buy it knowing that she would. So don't do that. Don't buy them gifts. Don't buy them stuff. You can, and it is okay to voice concerns. Don't make it about the stuff, though. Make it about the person, how it's affecting their health, fire hazards, fear of losing them because of it, that kind of stuff, falling to you to clean up when they're gone, right? They could lose the house maybe due to spending. That's the key, not about all this crap. Don't get all this garbage out of here. You can also lean on their ailing health, the aging, frequent falls. These are often good motivators for hoarders to clean up their act a little bit.

Also re-engaging them in community. Many hoarders deep down have lost the will to live. Closely tied to depression, fear, scarcity mindset. If they've got outside relationship, They've got support, maybe even a support group, that cloud could lift somewhat and they may be ready for change. And of course, don't call them hoarders. Don't diagnose the problem to their face. Nobody will admit they're a hoarder. They might say, oh, I'm a little bit of a pack rat, even if they're a nine to ten on the hoarder scale. And once they're sort of on board, which is the closest you'll ever get, you've got to go for it.

Genevieve recommended Marie Condos, the life-changing magic of tidying up. She read that before they started the process, and it actually helped a lot. So we'll link to that in the show notes. And lastly, when they are ready, get professionals quick. Do not do it by yourself. Genevieve said she barely made a dent in the 4,500 square foot hoard the first month when it was just her and her aunt. So you need to have impartial professional cleaning crews, so like 1,800 got junk or whatever extreme hoarding crew can come in. A trusted friend, a therapist, family member.

It is imperative because you need to get this done in a few days. The longer you drag it out, the more painful it is, the more the momentum wanes, and you might even end up with a full stalemate, and then it's harder to get that snowball rolling down the hill in the future. So you've got to rip off that band-aid. And last but not least, they need to feel safe. The inside of their house is a physical manifestation of what's inside their head. There is real pain tied to those objects. To us, you know, it's perceived, but the brain forms real pain receptors around those stuff. So be ready for the roller coaster of emotions. There is anti- your own and have your therapy outlet there during the process or accessible during the process, maybe even better help so that you can do some video chats or some texting stuff during the process would be helpful. And this is a serious thing. There's a lot of hoarding going on and it's more common than we think. I mean, there's a reason they have like 17 seasons of the TV show and they never run out, right? So it's a thing and it can be overcome, but it is not easy. And hopefully this helps. Thanks, Genevieve for that. All right, last but not least, Jason.

Hello, J-Cube. While listening to your recent show with Michelle Laterman, I had a light-bulb moment. When she discussed the abundance mindset, it really struck a chord with me. I'm usually a generous spirit, but I find myself consumed with jealousy and competitive ambitions when it comes to competition in my industry with peers of similar credentials. I work in a unique field where only a handful of us go up against each other in competition for clients and work. I know there's enough work for all of us, and I know I should have more of an abundance mindset. I get it, in theory. But how do you deal with competitiveness in real time? Watching you go through your fall and rise of 2018 was inspiring.

And even when you're struggling with the uncertainty of growing a new show, you never cease to give recommendations for other podcasts. That's mind-blowing to me. Because while you're right that just because I listen to another show doesn't mean I would abandon yours, don't you also consider the finiteness of your listeners' attention spans in time? Don't you worry that eventually you're recommending so many shows for your listeners that it will sacrifice some of your downloads due to the time constraints of your listeners? Of course you've thought about these. So how do you deal with that nagging feeling of wanting to win and having a leg up on your competitors? As usually, thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, the abundance seeker. So I have, of course, thought about this. The trick is, though, I value trust over the number of downloads, right? So if you find Mind Pump, a show that I think is a great fit for a lot of people who are into fitness and it's fun, the guys are great, they're good friends of mine, if you want to listen to that and then you're like, oh, man, now I skip. some of Jordan's interviews because I just don't have time to fit it all in. That's okay because when you do hear me, you trust me more because I recommended something else that you like. So to build that trust is better. And it's better than having you be like, well, I don't know what else is out there.

And I'll occasionally get like a passive aggressive sort of note from somebody that's like, this interaction with you has caused me to look elsewhere. And there's a lot of self-help out there. And I'm just like, yeah, there is. Go find what you like. This isn't self-help anyway, really. So I'd rather you get what's good for you than sort of feel like you're trapped in this ecosystem, right? It's kind of like in a relationship. You don't want someone to think, well, this is the only person that I could possibly get.

You want them to be with you willingly. Same thing for this show. And I think recommending other shows and having them recommend me, if you find something and you're like, this is better for me because I'm focusing on, let's say, physical fitness and wellness right now, and I'll come back to the Jordan Harbinger show

when I have time or later on or check the interviews, and you're more interested in that at the time, that's fine, because I'm gaining more show fans, I think, by having other shows recommend me as well. So it's good. Everybody falls in where they need to be. The other thing is, some shows, I think, look, if you're listening to 10 interview podcasts, eventually you're going to go, all right, well, my favorite few are these. And I would like to think that we would be in that favorite pile.

So this is, in a way, a meritocracy for what's good for your time as a listener. A rising tide lifts all boats, and I like to think that we're stepping up constantly so that we're the best and we keep our show fans, but we're always going to lose some people who are like, look, I'm focused on controlling my eating habits, so I listen to the eating habits podcast now. Whatever, that's fine. Getting new show fans because of that cross promo hopefully stems that loss. And again, generating that trust is more important to us than making sure that we keep every single person, retain every single person because they don't know where to find other shows. So yeah, it's an abundance thing. It's hard to wrap your mind around. But even as a sales guy, I would say, look, if you're selling something and you know that your competitor's product is going to be better than the one you're selling, you should recommend your competitor's product.

It's going to be hard to do. Your boss is going to be like, what are you doing? That lead will always trust you because you worked against your own interest and in theirs. And that's tough to do. But when you have real abundance, you will do that. And that trust will have lifetime clients that you're working. working with because very few salespeople will step to that level and work at that level of integrity. So I try to do that with pretty much everything. And sometimes it's not easy,

but it's got to get done. All right, life pro tip, when your internet service provider or cable provider raises your bill, call in and when that stupid automated thing answers, you say cancel service. You'll be sent to their retention team. And retention teams always have the authority pretty much to discount everything. So they'll usually take 10 to 20 bucks off your monthly bill for that year. Do this annually with things like Comcast. There are people that do this every single year, and you save hundreds of dollars, at least a couple hundred bucks a year, usually.

And you can do this with pretty much any subscription type of service. Same thing goes for credit card interest rates. If you carry a balance, which I don't recommend doing, you can almost always negotiate that balance, especially when it's low, not the balance, sorry, the APR, when it's low, when you're close to paying it off or you have paid it off, if you're going to go on balance again, negotiate the APR then. And they'll usually be like, sure, why not? Because you're not carrying a balance anyway.

So if you negotiate that, then when you carry that balance, you have a lower interest rate. Trust me, you can often get 20, 24% down to like 11 or 12 or 14. It's very possible. They really, the cost of them acquiring you as a customer is hundreds of dollars. So they're willing to forego that in interest to not lose you as a client. recommendation of the week, why not home? This is incredible. This is a documentary about home birth.

It's not going to interest everyone, but a lot of doctors who attend birth and hospitals are choosing to have their own babies at home. And I first was like, these are dumb crazy hippies. And so I thought, all right, maybe before I sort of assume that that's the case for everyone,

I should look into this. And someone said, yeah, there's this at-home birth documentary that you can watch. it's pretty incredible to watch birth. It is, it'll make you, I mean, it made me involuntarily cover my face with my hands a few times

because I'm just like, holy moly. I realize I've never seen a birth that's not been Hollywooditized where they just show someone screaming and then there's a baby. Yeah. When you see that dilation and you see like a baby come out,

you're just like, oh my, I mean, it's for guys especially, I think maybe because we don't do this, we're not like equipped. Holy cow, it is something else. It'll stay with you for a while. It will. It is really something else.

So I found it pretty educational and interesting to see. Just really something else. And you do get an inside look at the medical establishment, and they're sort of like birth industries where, hey, C-sections, they're super profitable. They're really expensive. The doctors want the birth to be over and go home, you know, to their own family.

And often births last like a couple days. So often they're just like, hey, let's move this along. have six birthing rooms or whatever, 14 birthing rooms at the hospital. So there's a lot of benefits and risks to doing birth at home. I just thought this is interesting, but for many of you, you might not care. It's called Why Not Home. It's on Amazon Prime Video. We'll link it in the show notes. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. A quick shout out to

Andrea Ott, who recently found us again after taking a long break from the old show, came back, saw we weren't there anymore, got pretty disappointed slash pissed off, and then ended up sending us an email. So thanks for listening. And Annie Chow, a new listener who's a doctor who loves our emphasis on practical application. She also loves the articles on the website. Thank you. I can glide people read those.

And is looking forward to seeing those in her inbox. And we'll be sending email roundup soon with the articles and some other stuff that's not on the show. I've just been slow off the ball engaging the email. list because I've just had so many other initiatives working on a new website, working on videos, all that stuff. I'm finally going to get off the pot on this one and send some email updates. I'm using a consultant so that they're not crap.

So keep, stay tuned for that. You can register for the email list at Jordan Harbinger.com. I'll be sending out roundups, tips, stuff that's not on the show, and about our live events that we're going to start running as well. So Jordan Harbinger.com. Thanks, Annie, for listening to the show. go back and check out the guests Zvi Band and the deep dive on blaming others with Gabriel Mizrahi if you haven't yet.

And if you want to know how I managed to book all these great people and manage amazing relationships and get opportunities like the one I had at the maximum security prison, check out our six-minute networking course, which is free over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. This course replaces the old level one course. I have nothing to do with level one. I have nothing to do with ADHD for various reasons. So go grab the upgraded drills, the upgrade.

tech and the upgraded systems at six-minute networking over at jordan harbinger.com slash course and don't punt don't kick the can down the road it's just a few minutes a day type of habit you ignore at your own peril i wish i knew this stuff years ago all of it jordan harbinger dot com slash course is available for free i'm on instagram and twitter at jordan harbinger is a great way to engage with the show and jordanharbinger dot com slash YouTube is where the videos are on YouTube. Jason? My personal website's over at jpd.m.mee. And you can check out my tech podcast, grumpy old geeks at gog.com or your podcast player of choice. This show is produced in association with podcast one. And this episode is co-produced by Jen Harbinger. Show notes for the episode are by

Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. And remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots of more in the pipeline. We're excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best. to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. recently they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening.

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