The Jordan Harbinger Show - 20: There But for the Grace of Cryptocurrency Go I | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: March 23, 2018

Jordan (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason (@jpdef) are back to banter every week and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now, let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: When your best friend had a romantic interest in you, you needed time to work on yourself. Now that you have those feelings for her, she's interested in someone else. What to do? You keep dating people who tell you you're someone they would want to marry but not date. What is that supposed to mean? Due to one unfortunate decision, you're broke and your best friend is a millionaire. How do you stop yourself from poisoning a long-term friendship with toxic jealousy or reverse the depressive spiral it's slowly throwing you into? How can you focus on cultivating a more confident vocal tone when conversing in a language not your own? Is it possible to get people interested in something they don't prioritize? Is there room for a relationship with someone who's needy in the life of a true workaholic? What do you do when your new wife says she's not sure she's turned on by you anymore? Recommendation of the Week: Seeing Allred A quick shoutout to Jane Miller and her son Bryce! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger, and check out Jason's (@jpdef) other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. You can also find him on Instagram at JPD. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course!  Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally! Full show notes and resources can be found here.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason of Philipo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger show, as much as we love having conversations with our fascinating guests, our primary purpose really is to pass along there and our experiences and those insights along to you. So in other words, the real purpose of this show is to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday.

You can reach us, as always, Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. So last week, Jason, looks like we dropped my old email address at AOC. Obviously, if you've emailed me there in the last two or three months since, really, anytime in 2018, I have not gotten it. So go ahead and resend that to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com, which is where you can reach us. And, of course, I'm Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. But don't be sending me Friday stuff to my personal inbox. All I do is forward it.

It goes in the back of the line because I want to, I don't know. It's sort of like, I don't want people jump in the queue thinking, because it just screws up my inbox. Come on, people. It's not that hard. Friday at Jordan Harbanger.com. All right. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Dear Jordan and Jason, I'm a 25-year-old single male.

I'm overweight, and what I mean by that is that I weigh 350 pounds. This is down from 425 pounds three years ago. Wow. I currently work two jobs. One is a pastor at a local church, and the other is a secretary. My professional life is going well. I'm doing fine financially. By the end of 2019, I should have my master's degree finished and should be totally debt-free. To most people, it would seem like I'm doing fine, but my dating life is terrible.

And by terrible, I mean non-existent. I have a dark past marked by great losses, depression, suicidal tendencies, self-harm, and the like. I had a policy that I would not start a relationship with anybody until I was reasonably certain that I wouldn't decide to kill myself the next day. I made that decision when I was 15, and it wasn't until I was 23 that I was healed in a psychologically to consider dating. That was two years ago and I still have not successfully been on a date. I have plenty of female friends, most of whom are great people. I've asked multiple people out on dates, several of whom told me no or that I'm too much like a brother. Yikes. Friends zoned so hard. So hard.

Yeah, that's all right though. That's all right. I have no issue putting myself out there. The real issue comes up with this one particular girl. Let's call her the best. Grown. Yeah, collective groan. Oh, come on. We're calling her that because she really is the best. She helped me as I was coming out of my depression. She used to like me, and she's my favorite person in the world to spend time with.

And she recently started liking somebody else. We never had a defined relationship, and she doesn't have a defined relationship with this other guy, who we will call Bill. Because that's his name. The best in Bill met about five months ago at college. So I did what anybody else does who has feelings for somebody. I told her about it. I went for a walk with her one evening. something that we used to do whenever she or I were struggling with depression.

And over the course of the walk, I brought up her dating history. Okay. Yeah. Okay. This is not going well. No. Continue. It has not been a good one.

The last guy she dated ended with a restraining order. And I had to physically hold back her ex one day when he was drunk and coming to, quote, unquote, take her back. We waited on the police to arrive. Lawyers were involved. I had to testify in court. And now he's in prison on other charges. Charming. So, yeah.

she has a dating history. During the walk, I said, I know you like Bill, to which she blushed, and it was super cute. Then I said, I know that he kind of likes you back, but he isn't the only person who likes you. She then directly asked who else liked her, and I told her that it was me. Sounds like middle school somehow. I'm not trying to be rude here, but I think the root of the problems here is this is being handled in a way that's very inexperienced, but I guess that's the question. So, yeah, continue. When I said this, she began interrogating me as to when I started liking her, how I knew that I liked her, if I was playing some sort of joke on her, and so forth. Her questioning lasted about 45 minutes, and it ended up with her getting a phone

call, walking to her car, and leaving. Now, it's been three weeks since this interaction, and I can't get it off my mind. We've talked since then, but she won't talk about our relationship or lack thereof. I think she still likes this other guy, but she won't say one way or the other. I want a relationship with her, but more importantly than any potential relationship, I want to be able to talk to my best friend again. She isn't really talking. to me since this incident and I guess I'm hoping that you have some suggestions about how to rebuild a friendship or about fostering a romantic relationship with her. I have basically zero experience with dating and right now it just feels like I'm losing a friend. What can I do at least to keep her as a friend?

And do you have any advice for how to approach wanting a romantic relationship with somebody when they like somebody else? Am I a total jerk for telling her that I have feelings for when I knew she liked someone else? Am I just a generally terrible person? Am I overthinking the situation and should I just be happy that I'm 25 with decent pay and a plan for the future. Should I encourage her to date Bill? Okay. I actually like him. If I didn't like her as well, I would totally support them having a relationship. Partially, I'm afraid that if she dates someone who isn't me, they could end up hurting her again, and I don't want to see my best friend hurting. In the past, when she would tell me that she likes me, I would tell her that I'm not ready for a relationship and that she should look for somebody else.

Now that I'm ready, she's taken that advice. I know it's my fault that I'm in this situation, but anything would be helpful. Sincerely, big guy with a big heart. All right. So the end of the question here really is telling because he's got some very deep questions about himself. And I don't really think he wants a relationship with her. I think it's more of a fear of loss.

But I'll get into that in a second. The best way to get into any kind of healthy relationship is to work on yourself. And it sounds like you're working a lot, man. You know, congratulations on losing 75 pounds. That's no small feet. You basically lost a small child. Not even a small child.

You just lost a regular size child. That's really impressive. And so you're already working on yourself, but you're still 350. So unless you're seven feet tall, you've got a ways to go. You're working on your mind. You're working on your body. It's going to take a while before you're ready for a mature relationship. Because the stuff that you're working on emotionally is going to take a lot longer, I think,

than just losing the weight itself. You're going to have your same mind. mindset for months or years after that. So in the meantime, keep working on yourself, keep your chin up. Here's the immediate red flag, though. You're putting this girl that you call the best, which is why we said grown, just way up on a pedestal. This is a problem because you're idealizing her.

She's probably not comfortable with that, first of all. You're going to make her uncomfortable. She's also in a place where she cannot possibly fulfill the expectations that you have of her. This is going to cause a huge problem if you ever do end up together. Because in your mind, she is the best. She's somehow infallible other than her terrible dating history, which these are things that you should keep in mind.

This is going to cause a problem because the mismatched expectations here are going to be unfair to her, but you are unable to get them out of your head. And I feel like anytime you have no experience, you can't expect your first date to end up to be the perfect person together. I think you're risking the deeper and better friendship that you have with her by trying to start a relationship with her. That's going to be bad for you guys both. I really think you should just stay friends with her.

Yes, you like her, but I kind of feel like maybe that's because she's accessible to you and because you're friends. I don't think it's because you've made some sort of mature evaluation that this is a person that you should be romantically involved with, especially since you have no experience doing that, I think that that's more likely that you're just doing this based on your desires or impulses or the fact that she's accessible or getable in a way for you other than the fact that she likes

this other guy Bill now. Now the reason she's angry, in my opinion, is because in her mind you guys were friends and now she's not sure. This is why you're not talking. You've lost some of her trust. So you can fix this later on, but you need to stop hiding your intentions with women, aka pretending your friends when you're really interested in them, don't lie to yourself.

The reason you don't want to see her with someone like this guy, Bill, or someone else who could potentially hurt her, is because you're the only guy in the universe that exists in your head who fits the description as somebody who wouldn't potentially hurt her. So I'll clarify that. He says in the letter, Jason, I don't want her to be with someone who could potentially hurt her, but that's because that effectively and very cleverly subconsciously of course because i don't think

he's doing this to himself on purpose eliminates every other human male on the planet right it's like oh i don't want her to be with someone who'd hurt her i would never hurt her and i know that because i know my own intentions but it can't be so sure about all these other guys so subconsciously what's going on is he really just wants her for himself which is totally normal i'm not saying this is selfish or or bad in some way. I get it. There's no shame in it. Just realize this is the reason that you're saying you don't want her to be with someone who could hurt her. It's not because you're trying to protect her or something else. That's a rationalization. That's your brain lying to you to make your course of action okay. And this is totally human and totally normal. So don't beat yourself up

about it. We all do this. But the more aware of this process we become, the better off we are. because we can gauge our true intentions instead of blindly following our emotions. So whenever you see yourself rationalizing, well, you know, I'm doing this because it's for her benefit. Here's this weird abstract way in which this works. Just realize you're probably rationalizing an emotion and that emotion is going to lead you in the direction of whatever your feet, of course, your feelings want. And generally your feelings are short-sighted.

They're based on things that are not logical. They're not meant to last long. so they're not really that good to follow in the moment when you're talking about deciding what to do with a friendship that you've had for years. So there are mistakes here, but you're not a bad person, and you're also not really overthinking it. You're just thinking about the wrong things. So stop pursuing her for now.

Keep working on yourself. You've got a long way to go. It's not going to happen as fast as you would like, but it's not going to take as long as you think either. So you've come so far, man. Don't stop now. You're 25. and in my experience, you're just getting into the fun part of life.

So don't be in such a rush to get everything nailed down just because you feel like you're behind the curve. All right, next up. Jordan and Jason, first off, I want to say thank you for the shows. Y'all have been the best workout buddies and road trip companions a girl could ask for. Listening to your show has helped me to face harsh realities about myself and the people I surround myself with. Yay for self-improvement. Also, I like that this show has a more welcoming vibe to women. I'm a first year special education teacher living in South Carolina.

I love my job and find it super rewarding. I have a good group of coworkers, live with a fun roommate, and I'm active in a local church. I'm a Christian. However, I'm open-minded and get along with the majority of people I meet. In college, I was always down for going out and having a good time. As an aside, she says she can shotgun a beer in under five seconds, which is pretty impressive. That sounds really fast, yeah. But I held on to my morals when it came to physical relationships.

Through my friends, I've been able to. to see how emotionally damaging having casual sex can be. In college, I dated a few guys who all basically told me that I was someone they would want to marry, but not date. What is that supposed to mean? Well, I'll tell you in a second. As the majority of my friends continue to seriously date and get married, I'm always asked to be a bridesmaid. During these special times like Bachelorette weekends, showers and parties, I get asked if I'm seeing anyone special, or when will it be my turn? I'm honest and say I'm not seeing anyone, and I'm somewhat content with that. Then they were apply with, I'll set you up with one of my boyfriends, fiancee, husband's friends. Most of my friends

have great significant others who also question why I'm single. Most of the time I roll my eyes and agree to meet the guys and go on dates. The dates are usually okay, nothing special. To be honest, I like the effort and attention these fellows show me, but I'm not really interested in them enough to want a relationship, which usually hurts the guy's feelings and irks the mutual friends. Sorry, not sorry. There's never a balance. I'm too wild for the church guys because I enjoy drinking and I'm too traditional for the guys who want to be super physical and intimate. The few guys that I've been interested in want to get physical right away. How do I say no without offending the guy?

What can I say to the people who constantly ask me about my relationship status and not liking any of the guys I'm set up with? I'm really not a straight-laced prude, nor do I judge people for having sex before marriage. I just want a real committed relationship before getting intimate. Is it bad to hold on to my morals and not have casual sex? Thanks for your help. A Southern bell screaming, the hell. Oh, nice. I like that she didn't choose always a bridesmaid, never a bride. That would have been

the low-hanging fruit of nicknames for this one. So first of all, welcome to the new show. The clean break was good for a lot of reasons and embracing our unisex audience, which every time we did a survey, it was like 10% more women for the next six months. So embracing this unisex audience instead of bros trying to pick up chicks has been really good to us so far. So the reason people are saying that you'd be great to marry but not date, I would say that signals to me that you're good, you're stable, you're kind, you'd seem like you'd be a good mother, but you're not as fun to date because you don't put out. That's basically what that means in my experience. And don't apologize for not liking the guys that you're set up with by friends. Those friends sound sensitive.

The guys sound sensitive too. That's their problem. That's their problem. Rejection is part of dating. You are not obligated to marry guys you're set up with. So what? Your friend feels like they miss, they whiffed on that one. So what? This is your life. Forget what their feelings are. They're trying to help you. But it sounds like they're being a little selfish with it if they get upset. It's not like, I would imagine she's not going out with these guys,

Jason, and being like, yep, you're fat and ugly. Next. I mean, if that were happening, yeah, that would be a little rude. But if you're going out with them and you're like, yeah, not my thing, fine. I mean, you have no obligation. You've already fulfilled your obligation. you went out with a random stranger that your friend set them up with. Yeah, seriously. She's. You're definitely in a middle ground, though, with your Christian or just conservative, I would say, values. As you say, straight-laced, prude values.

But it sounds like you have to have fun. That's actually important. Lots of people settle. They put that whole, well, I want somebody who's fun. They put that aside so that they can settle down. And my wife, Jen, she used to say, oh, I'm so glad that we met because I used to think that if I found someone stable, enough to marry, they would be boring because she dated like some other boring guys that had really good jobs and stuff like that and were, you know, straight-laced guys, but they were boring.

And then she also realized that if she married somebody that was exciting and fun, that her life might be full of turmoil. So far, turmoil, one, stability zero. But still, you know, at least we have fun. But a lot of people put the fun stuff aside so they can settle down. and I always see relationship problems as a result of that. There's so much of that in my inbox here at Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. At least I got it right that time.

So how do you say no to getting physical right away, though if you want to date somebody who's normal, I say normal, fun and I say normal societally. Societally is not a word, but you know what I'm saying here. How do you say no to getting physical right away? Let guys know early. Don't act surprise when they put the moves on you. It doesn't sound like she is. So don't be surprised when they put the moves on you, but also don't make them feel ashamed.

And if they try to put the moves on you and you're cool about it and then they get angry, that is on them. That is some childish temper tantrum, hashtag Me Too stuff right there. And look, when I was in college and I was younger, when I was dating in my 20s, I had this happen a lot. You put the moves on or you go to escalate the situation after the date or something like that. And someone says, well, you know, not right now or no thanks or never. you know, go fly a kite, whatever their objection is, usually quite polite or usually more like, wow, that was fast. It happens. And since I'm not a child, it's not hard to respect women's boundaries. My middle name was practically blue balls in college. That's another story. You know,

I'm a boundary respecter, all right? But this is something that all guys have to deal with. And I'm going to go back to the top of the letter where she said, well, you know, the Christian guys, they don't want to get physical right away. I'm calling BS on that. They want to. They just aren't. right but the other guys who are not religious are just like shameless and that's that's how we roll because we're dudes okay so you've got a screening problem this is what the problem is you've got a screening problem you've got to screen in the right type of guy and you have more work to do because of your unusual combination of screens or filters one they got to be fun two they've got to respect your conservative beliefs so this is not impossible it's a bit more work but it's

Certainly not impossible. Had we met, you know, back in my dating days, this is exactly the type of girl I would have dated. I did a ton of girls that were like kind of church girls, which is weird because I'm so not, as you all know. Or just conservative or like they grew up in an area that wasn't a big city. So they're like, wait a minute. You know, I've had one boyfriend in my whole life or something like that. And that was fine. I mean, it was like I said, my nickname was basically practically blue balls in college.

But I had long-term relationships and it was fine. I really didn't care. It was totally fine. There's a middle ground, you know? There's a middle ground here. So that's what the guys mean when they say that they want to marry you but not date you. But honestly, you just have a little bit more screening work to do. Luckily, you'll need to find one.

All right, next step. Hi, guys. I'm a longtime listener of the show that must not be named. Congrats to both of you for breaking out on your own and good luck with the new show. So, down to business. I need your help to stop myself ruining one of my closest friendships with frustration and destructive envy and dig myself out of a depressive hole. For context, my friend is more like a brother.

I'm 27 now and we're knocking on nine years over the course of which we've been housemates, sounding boards, emotional and even financial support for each other. And if it came down to it, I'd take a bullet for the guy. The problem, as usual, comes down to money. In 2013, we both got involved in the cryptocurrency market and bought Bitcoin at knock down prices. Long story short, just before the market crashed, I pulled out and put a deposit on an apartment with the proceeds. I walked away happy, intending to get back in when the market calmed down. Then before the ink was dry on my newly minted mortgage, my life collapsed. I lost my job and broke up with my first serious girlfriend of eight years.

Then, Q3 years of struggling to make ends meet, working in soul-crushing tech support to pay for an apartment I could no longer afford nor sell, since it's now worth about 40 grand less than the mortgage I have on it. At the end of 2016, I was in a decent financial position, and, after moving in with my fiancé, rented the apartment to my friend to help him out of a jam. He's been a fantastic tenant and caused no stress whatsoever. and it was great to have him nearby. Last year completely turned everything on its head.

The crypto boom turned my friend into an overnight millionaire, and I lost two of my biggest clients and took a huge income hit. So now my best friend is loaded, living in the apartment I can't afford while I'm newly married and being slowly crushed by my mortgage and reminded every day that, but for one dumb decision, I could have been in the same position that he's in now,

and it's getting harder and harder not to resent him for it. So my question is this. Do you have any advice on how to stop myself, from poisoning our relationship with toxic jealousy or reversing the depressive spiral that is slowly throwing me into. Signed, Grumpy Over Green. Okay, I'm really glad that he said,

do you have any advice on how to stop myself from poisoning our relationship with toxic jealousy? Because I was just thinking, wow, I really hope he's not blaming the guy for hanging on to Bitcoin and not buying an apartment. You know, because everything, here's the thing. This is all you, Grumpy Over Green.

You're mad at yourself for the decisions you made, which these weren't dumb decisions. By the way, they only look dumb in hindsight because of the unpredictable crypto boom combined with the market crash in real estate, which was more predictable. I get it. You know, you're mad at yourself. Your friend is doing you a favor renting that place from you. Offer to sell it to him maybe. I don't know.

You could go for that. Talk to your friend about this. So here's the problem. When you start to hang around successful people, you'll always have an element. Well, you have a choice about whether or not to be jealous. of them. One of my friends is just, well, actually a lot of my friends are killing it, selling things online. They import products from China. Another friend of mine is a TV show. The people that we interview here on the show often become friends of mine. These are all successful,

interesting people. It would be really easy to be pissed off about how everybody else has something that I don't. That's a choice, though, to look at those things. It really is. And you've got to talk to your friend about this, because when you start competing with your friends in your own mind, you always will poison the relationship. I've got a friend Alex Coots, who's been on the show. He's coming back on the show as well to teach us some negotiation tactics. And he's like 32 and he has four companies and he's super smart. He's one of the smartest people I know.

He's like six four and he models on the side. And I'm like, F you, man. Seriously. Come on. And every time I see him, I'm just like, I love this guy, which is good. Because if I didn't, I would hate this guy because he just highlighted. It's this could have been you, but you're not good enough, right? Like, you can look at it that way or not.

Here's the thing, we're friends. This is your friend. He likes you. He's not looking down on you. You're looking up at him and you're mad about that, right? He's not choosing to look down on you. You're choosing to put him up there. He's looking at you like his buddy.

I would talk to him about this. Admit what you're telling me and that you're starting to resent him for something that he has not done because of your own stuff. It'll be a little embarrassing. and he might even be like, that's screwed up, man. Why are you doing that? And it's brave to do this. And you can get it out on the table that you're being unreasonable and that you know it. And he'll probably understand because he may actually be wondering secretly if you resent him for

this in the first place and then go out for a beer with him or whatever. Go out for a beer with a friend who's done nothing but be good to you and have a laugh about how our emotions just mess with us. Because I think if you get this out, it's going to feel a lot better and you're not going feel like, oh, I have to hide this, which I think is forcing you to focus on it. This guy doesn't deserve to have a best friend who's angry with him for being successful. And you know this. And the best thing you can do is be supportive of your buddy. Friendship with him is much more important, in my opinion, than the money you could have maybe possibly had, even if you could

really use that money right now. Because that situation, this situation is temporary. But if you get rid of a friend because you're jealous about him investing in Bitcoin at the same time as you, which is, that's a really dumb-ass reason to lose your best friend. Seriously, yeah. I mean, we both have rich friends like you talked about before. And I've gone down that path that he's on. And I know the feelings that he's having, but yeah, you need to realize that it's you and look inward. And talking to your friend is definitely the best way to go about it. Because I've had to go through that. And it is a little embarrassing. It's uncomfortable because, you know, last week, you guys were both, you know, sleeping on the same ratty-ass couch.

and now he's got a mansion. But once you get past it, I mean, a lot of those people are still my friends after all this time, and I've gotten past it by, you know, looking inward and talking to them about it. And, you know, now I can call them on the phone and hang out and have beers with them.

And I don't have that feeling anymore. But you have to really embrace it and, you know, just get past it. Yeah. Otherwise, I mean, imagine if you, imagine as soon as you had a friend, you got jealous and you pushed them away. Yeah. That is a great way to surround yourself with losers.

That is probably the best way to surround yourself with losers and make sure you get rid of everybody who likes you that might actually get better than you at something and make you feel bad about yourself. Right? That's really, that is the opposite of what we're trying to do to be around great people and make great connections and great friendships. So keep that in mind and don't beat yourself up over it. Your emotions, what you're feeling is normal.

It's just that the actions you need to take are going to be a little bit awkward and embarrassing, but they're going to relieve some of the pressure, I think. They're going to release some of the steam. You've got to open that valve. The best way to do that is just to tell him, look, I'm feeling jealous of you, and it's so stupid. You know, I love you, man. I just feel like I'm a dumbass.

So, and he's going to say, dude, if you need it, I guarantee you you're going to have a heart to heart with him like you've never had before. It's going to feel awesome. Yep. All right. What's next? Hi, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. Hope things are getting better for you guys after the recent changes.

I'm a 29-year-old male, moved to the U.S. five years ago for grad school, and I've learned a lot from your podcasts in the past years. One of the areas I would like to improve myself is my tone of voice. Generally, I have a high-pitched and excited and happy tone. However, I'm not happy with it because to me, my voice sounds not very confident, even though I consider myself not shy in a moderately confident person. After reading the charisma myth by Olivia Fox Caban, I noticed that one reason contributing to this problem is that the warmth aspect of my behavior is, stronger than presence and power. I've listened to your podcast on vocal tonality, watched videos of diaphragm breathing techniques, recorded my voice giving presentations or talking to friends, etc. But none of them had the long-term effect that I was looking for. If I focus on my voice

while talking, I can sound more neutral, confident, less excited and warm. However, being a non-native English speaker, I have to focus on grammar, vocabulary, how to be funny in a different language, control my body language, be present, and so on. And there's not much attention left to focus on my tone. So I think I should make it more of an unconscious habit. Any help on how to achieve this would be appreciated. Keep up the good work. High pitcher in Oregon. He's right on here in that he has to make this an unconscious habit. I was just thinking that, wow, you know, you're your non-native English speaker. You've got to think about the grammar, the vocabulary, how to be funny if that's what you're trying to do, which often doesn't work when you're focused on it. And you've got to maintain and

control your body language, be present. Anything you can do to get this. delegate these things to the level of unconscious behavior would be great. So do the doorway drill. I've gone over that in a previous show, so I won't do it again here. Do the doorway drill so that you can handle your body language without losing presence. Grammar vocabulary being funny, that's going to happen naturally through practicing English. So make sure you're talking a lot. Of course, it seems like he is. And yeah, there's not much attention left to focus on your tone. I totally understand that. You also want to relegate that to the level of unconscious behavior. And the best way to really do that, I've tried everything.

Get a voice coach. There's always a benefit to coaching here. There's so many things, breathing techniques, all these different. Use the cork and do the vocal tonality thing. Watch these videos. I've done all of that for years and years and years. I taught vocal tonality for crying out loud at the programs that we used to run. I taught a bunch of this stuff.

I still have Darcy. We still have voice coaches for the show because you really need someone to go up. That thing that you're doing with your tongue, you've got to put it on the roof of your mouth more, try saying this that way, you've got to change the way that you pronounce things. You're going to get some accent reduction from her most likely, or from any coach, most likely you're going to find that she's going to tell you, stop worrying about this and start focusing on that. Here's a weird exercise you got to do with your arms that's going to change the way that you

breathe, which is going to change the way that you talk. There's all kinds of crazy stuff we do that has nothing to do in theory with talking. I mean, there's there's all kinds of, Jason, our vocal warm up is bizarreo, right? reach up to the sky and throw the ball of sound and what all this weird stuff, right? But it works. Yeah. I feel ridiculous every time I do it, but when I'm done, I sound better. Go figure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, some of it's magic, like the cork that I shared a week or two ago, and some of it is just bizarro, like, that kind of thing times a million and then reaching up in the sky. It's important, though, and it all works. It stretches out everything that you need to stretch out,

and it's just a worthwhile exercise. Consider it a part of learning the English, language in a way that's effective and it will spill over into your native language as well. So accent reduction. In fact, if you want to be referred over to Darcy, I know she's not cheap, but she is very effective. Just email me. I'm Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. Got it right that time. And I will refer you gladly refer you over to her. And I think this is exactly where I got my email wrong last week. Yeah, it was. And so I will gladly refer you to her. So if you try to get a referral to Darcy and you emailed my old AOC emailed, just go ahead and send me Jordan Harbinger.com. I will refer you. She's great. I mean, she really knows her stuff and she's got some accent

reduction stuff. You just can't do this watching YouTube. You can't. It can't be done. It needs to be tailored to the problems you are trying to solve. All right. Next up. Hi, Jordan. You had me worried when I refreshed my podcasts and didn't see any new episodes from that other show. Glad to see you and Jason are still at it. Here's my question for you and Jason. I'm starting a side business where I help men dress and groom better. As a way to gain clients, I'm initially targeting their wives or girlfriends. However, I'm faced with a question, how do I get the men who may not be that interested in dressing better to buy into this concept? I've seen how dressing better in my own life has brought me some level of professional and personal success. So, how do I hit upon a

similar vein with these men? What questions can I ask them that will evoke some sort of emotional response from them and make them realize, oh crap, this whole dressing better thing could be useful. Thanks for everything you guys do and best of luck with the new endeavor, signed Dapper Dan. Yeah, this is a sales question. I actually used to teach sales a little bit and I obviously did a ton of it in other companies that I worked at, including the previous AOC. So this is hands down. This is an obvious sales question.

Here's the problem. You can't force people to be interested in something they don't prioritize. Take it from me. Someone who made a living for years trying to get people interested in something they didn't prioritize. It is very difficult to do. You have to get them to realize the consequences of not doing something. People avoid pain more than they seek pleasure. So you can't say something like, well, this looks so good. Don't you feel better? What you have to do is say, if you don't do this, you're going to be missing out on the following things, right? The dating or the job promotions

or people are going to view you in this other way that is not as desirable. And this is a slippery slope because you can get really into hyperbole and be like, you'll never. You're going to die alone if you don't dress right. And you see that on online marketing where people are like, if you don't know this, you're never going to fix this mistake in your business. $99,99, right? You have to get them to realize the consequences. So create content around your business and your line of work that shows the consequences.

Also highlight the benefit, of course, but only after showing the consequences. And this, of course, uses the brain science from the show, things that we learn from a lot of other guests here to apply to sales. So create content around it that shows what could happen and also the benefit later on. If I were you, I'd create videos that explain things like this. You can write articles that do so. Search YouTube for this and just copy the format that a lot of other people have. Don't copy the content itself, obviously. But there's a lot of great stuff out there from friends of mine like Aaron Marino, Antonio Centeno.

Real Men, Real Style is one of those guys. They have great content. They have really good format, really, really popular YouTube channels. So good call, going after the women in their lives. That sort of influence is great. It's just limited. If you want repeat customers, first of all, you have to find someone with a woman in their life. A lot of guys don't.

If you want those customers to come back, you've got to use the content that you create and nurture your customers by sending it to them directly. Email, texting them things, multimedia messages, stuff like that can be highly effective. But I think the problem here is you're just trying to get their wife or girlfriend to say, don't you look good in this, this is great, you should do this. And that is not using the proper brain triggers, namely the idea that there's consequences to it. Because most guys are going, I have a woman in my life.

I don't have to dress well. I have a good job. I don't have to dress well. You have to show them what they're missing first and then highlight the benefit. And that's true for any sort of persuasion or sales. All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan, a longtime listener and love the shows. As soon as I heard you guys parted ways, I jumped ships and came directly over.

Today's dilemma is that I've been in an on-and-off long-term relationship with an amazing girl for eight years. We've been together seriously for two years now. However, it feels like I'm always having to pull her up to want to develop herself. She lives a fairly normal life in a 40-hour workweek scenario and lounges in the evenings and on the weekends. On my side, I work away in oil-field bush camps for 24 days on and two days off. Meanwhile, micromanaging a towing company that I'm bootstrapping. So when I have days off, I either have paperwork to catch up on or it requires. my time physically. This is where I run into conflict. She wants to see me and just watch movies,

and I don't want to. She has no interests of being involved or helping with anything in the company, so I struggle to fit her into my day. I have priorities that I need to get done. I've told her a couple times that I don't think we should be dating each other, since this is the lifestyle that I live, and I can't maintain the proper attention to the relationship that she needs and deserves. She then tells me that she's fine with it. I'm the only one she wants and that she doesn't want to end things. However, she isn't very independent and constantly mentions she needs attention. Since then, we've grown distanced emotionally, and it feels like she's back to just another friend but tied to me. It's something I've been constantly thinking about and I'm confused.

Am I delusional for working so much and prioritizing what I see that I have to do to achieve my envisioned life, or am I just making excuses to avoid the pain of walking away from her? Sincerely, delusional workaholic? Nice. All right. Well, this person is clearly not a good fit for you. Yeah, that's pretty much. Wow. I get it, though. He's away a lot. He's got a company. He doesn't want to look for someone else.

Us guys, man, you know, we're kind of like, check the, got a girlfriend, check the box. Done looking. Next, next task that I have to complete. But this person is not a good fit for you. Man, she's needy. It really sounds like she's needy. This is going to implode almost for sure. She's fine with it. I'm the only one she wants. She doesn't want to end things. Oh, man, that is not good. You're working hard because you're hungry and she's not a priority for you. That's okay for you, but she's going to try and control you with guilt from the sound of it. So I think you should break up with her. I very rarely make blanket statements like this.

But man, this is just she's already starting with the whole, hey, you know, you're deprioritizing me. And then you know it's true. But you don't want to make her feel bad. So you're leaving her on the side. This is just, oh, this is going to be such a mess. you're probably just making excuses to avoid the pain of walking away from her. And I understand that too. It's normal. I feel like you've answered your own question here.

This is just a blanket black and white situation for me where this is just not a good fit for you. And I would end it soon. Rip that Band-Aid off, man. It's got to happen. Be kind, of course, and do it in the right way. But this person is not good for you and you are not good for her. All right, last but not least. Hi, guys, longtime fan.

I can't wait for the tell-all book. It's so exciting for you to be able to build a nice. new house on your own land. What do you do when your new wife says she's not sure she's turned on by you anymore? Ouch. Yeah. She lost 99 pounds and 12 months for the wedding. Looks amazing and I'm so proud of her. But now I'm the less fit one and she's lost physical respect for me. Couple that with a bad business decision I made last year, which means now I'm working about 70 hours a week to get back on track. She's taken up the organizational slack and is really taking care on the home front. So she doesn't see me handling my own business. She's a brilliant.

overachiever and is working on her PhD and some tutoring. I love her to the end of the earth, but what do I do when I've lost her respect? Add to this, we're moving to Europe this year, which adds some more tension. We do love each other, and I know we'll get through this through communication and compassion, but I'd like to avoid these pitfalls in the future and get through this sooner rather than later. Signed, got a situation. I see what you did there. All right, situation. It seems a little unfair of her. I don't know. I don't think she's lost respect for you physically, but maybe she hasn't seen you make an effort in that area and she's disappointed. That seems so harsh for someone to lose a bunch of weight and then go, you know what?

You're fat. I'm not attracted to you anymore. It's like, well, what the hell? I haven't changed, right? You were attracted before. Boy, now you're better than me? Come on. That seems unfair.

I almost don't really believe that that's the case. I bet if we asked her, she would be like, well, it's not that. He's just not trying. And I tried so hard. And I'm doing it, you know, and I care about him. I feel like maybe her saying that is she's trying to motion. motivate him. It just comes across as kind of her being crappy about it. Yeah. But on the other hand, who knows? It's tough. Maybe you're just lucky she was honest with you.

The good news is lots of people work a ton and they're still losing weight. No time to work out. The good news is that losing weight is more than 80% diet. So get on an eating plan that leads to a calorie deficit. And you can get a nutritionist. You can get a trainer or somebody who's going to help you with this. I'm not going to get into fitness and nutrition stuff here on my own, but I wanted to take this excuse off the table because you don't have to be a gym rat to lose weight. That might have been what your wife did, that might have been how she lost or your friends lose weight,

but most people who really lose weight, they do it by eating less. You don't have to work out more. I do all my phone calls while walking. I lost 35 pounds in a few months, and I wasn't fat before. I was just a little bit fatter than I needed to be. But I lost 30, 35.

pounds just from walking outside and doing phone calls, but I also stopped eating burgers and fries for lunch or, you know, grabbing a little pastrami sandwich and some side of this that for dinner. I mean, I just trimmed down my eating a ton. Now I'm hungry. Damn you. Me too. I want some hash browns and an omelette right now. Yeah, but the old adage is abs are made in the kitchen. That's right. Yeah, I forgot about that. Exactly. Abs are made in the kitchen. I still have, I have one ab right now. And it's just that's right how it's going to stay. Look, your wife is probably just trying to motivate you. Like I said, I don't approve of the method here.

I much prefer the carrot over the stick. However, when you're trying to sell somebody an idea, it is better to highlight the consequences, so there is that. But especially in close relationships, the carrot is better than the stick generally. But that's something you'll need to work out as your relationship grows. If I were you, I'd get ahead of this one. Get yourself into shape.

Work on your relationship communication style so that you don't have to put each other down to bring each other up. All right. recommendation of the week jason did you ever watch seeing all red the gloria all red documentary i recommended it to you as a matter of fact so yes i have seen it well there you go yeah i liked it very good she seems kind of scary i would not mess with her that's for sureifying yeah but i like tenacious i think yeah i like her she's kind of a she's a badass and there's something to be said for that right she's kind of like in a way if if hillary clinton weren't so dislikable in so many other

ways she has like a lot of the positive qualities i think you would say and i other people would say she has all the negative qualities probably. But since I'm not sitting on the other side of the table from her in court or something like that, then I don't know. I'm a fan. Seeing all red, A-L-L-R-E-D, it's on Netflix, hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Delete your other contacts for us in order to just go to the wrong place.

We'll answer your questions on the air. And we're happy to keep you anonymous, of course. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. slash podcast. Quick shout out to Jane Miller and her son Bryce. He's a senior in high school and a web designer. That's awesome. I did that as a senior in high school,

although I was coding in HTML. It was a pain. My sites definitely did not look as good as Bryce's, I'm sure. And she said her son Bryce says, if people don't listen to things like this show that better themselves and aren't motivated, then they aren't people he wants to hang out with in high school. That's pretty cool.

That is pretty cool. He's got a good head on his shoulders for a high school student. Yeah. Yeah, it does. His mom, Jane, is a super fan of the show, and they're all entrepreneurs, and that's just, that's how entrepreneurs roll. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Jason, tell them where they can find you. I'm on Instagram at JPD, and I'm on Twitter as J.P. Def, that's JPDF, and you can always check out my other podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks.

So keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com, and we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast? If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dishwashing and go, wait, what that actually happened? You got to subscribe to, what was that like? It's real people telling the most surreal moments of their lives, and they're not just giving you the highlights.

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or whatever app you're using right now. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Corrid. others. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity

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get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.