The Jordan Harbinger Show - 233: How to Keep an Abusive Ex out of Your Life | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

So your abusive ex has basically invaded your home and claimed squatter's rights when the police showed up to escort them away. What can you do to get them out -- and keep them out -- of your life forever? Listen to this Feedback Friday to hear our take on the matter! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/233 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Should you be searching for a new job when you're in extended treatment for a serious medical issue? Is it fair to your current or potential future employer? After time off from your relationship to finish grad school, you're back with your significant other. But how can you get over the retroactive jealousy you feel? When you're the parent of a junior high schooler, how can you create opportunities for your kid to build social skills with adults? When your mentally ill mother gave your estranged sister her house -- from which she was then kicked out -- do you have a legal claim to at least part of that house? How do you retain clients -- without bashing your old employer -- when it's time to move on to a job that will be a better fit in your small, gossipy industry? Do you take on a higher paying, riskier job with a long commute to boost your debt repayments, or stay where you are where the growth is slow but more secure? You fired one contractor for shoddy remodeling work and had to hire others to fix it. What are your legal obligations regarding unfinished payment and equipment left behind? What can you do to keep an intrusive, abusive ex out of your life forever -- especially when they move into your house and claim squatter's rights when you try to kick them out? Life Pro Tip: If you're a student planning your career, look up postings for your entry-level dream job, find the skills and qualifications you'll need, then work backwards from there. Recommendation of the Week: I Am Mother Quick shoutouts to Corbin Payne, Esq. for helping with some of the legal stuff here, and Manny Dhillon! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD,... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFilippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. And on the show, we decode the stories, the secrets and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. This week, we had Mike Abrashoff with some no BS leadership and management military style. He turned around one of the worst performing ships in the entire. Navy and made it one of the top performing ships in the entire Navy. That's no easy feat. It's not your ordinary sort of corporate motivational BS leadership interview. We also spoke with Daniel Goldman, who literally wrote the book on social and emotional intelligence. He's the author of one of these seminal works in the space, and it was an honor to sit down with him. Him and his work are just incredible. I also write every so often on the blog, and the latest post is about what happened when the Jordan Harbinger show, myself and my cat MoMo were featured in the New York Times, mostly Mo Mo Mo Mo to be candid. There's some insights there about how people reacted,

and I hope you dig that sort of impromptu piece that we did. I think I learned a lot of things about appearing in media and how people reacted to that. It was unusual, wasn't expecting that. That, of course, is at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles, and that article will be linked there as well if you haven't seen the New York Times piece. So make sure you've had a lot of look and to listen to everything we created for you this week. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along there, the guests, and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. We do that every Friday, of course, and you can reach us Friday

at Jordan Harbinger.com. In other news, the baby is here. His name is Jaden, and thanks to the several hundred of you who replied to the email that I sent out to our list asking for your feedback and your suggestions. It was a crazy experience. He was delivered at home, which is crazy for a lot of people, but it was, you know, of course, we didn't just randomly deliver him at home. There was a plan. And it was just nuts, unbelievable, seeing a baby come out of my wife, not something that I'd seen ever before. I'd never, I'd never, I'd never seen childbirth for real. I've only seen it sort of dramatized in movies. It is very different as everyone who has kids knows, everyone who is in the room. What has been seen cannot be unseen. That is for sure true. But it's amazing,

man. I'll tell you, even changing diapers is kind of fun. And it's like wakes up at 3 a.m. and cries. And I'm like, oh, it's okay. You know, I thought I would be much more annoyed. And that might still come. It might be like the baby moon phase, like the honeymoon phase, where I'm like, oh, it's great. And then six months, I'm like, okay somebody kill me i don't know i don't know how that's going to go i'm playing it one day at a time right now i love it i hear him cry and if i'm not recording something i just run in there and i'm like what's going on and uh of course my wife is already there she's basically housebound for a month which is what i'm doing too for the most part a lot of people have asked there is a registry

no pressure i was very much on the fence because i feel a little dushy especially since a lot of the least expensive stuff has already been purchased and some people So we're sharing the link, but please know that your well wishes and love are more than enough for us. You guys have been so awesome about that, by the way. A lot of people responded to my newsletters the past few weeks when I asked about baby names and everything. And if you're not on the newsletter, I keep it short, I keep it tight. I keep it infrequent. It's about the show. It's about random stuff in my life. By the way, and you can sign up for that at jordanharbinger.com.com. And if you're in the six-minute networking course, you should be getting it already. And the registry is linked in the show notes. It's at Jordan Harbinger.com slash baby. And again, No pressure. Just your kind words has been more than enough for us so far. As always, we've got some fun questions and some doozies and I'm excited to dive into feedback Friday. It's great to be back in the mix. Like this baby is not even a week old and people go, why aren't you taking time off? And I'll tell you, I am kind of, but I miss doing the show. So I like doing it. It also keeps me sane, I think, right now. And that's kind of important for me. So that's that to those of you who are like, wait a minute, why are you recording a show when you just had a kid that's why I think there's something to be said for getting back into a routine it would be different if I had to go to a bank and hated or hated my job but uh that's not the case here it's kind of like I feel like not talking to the to Jason not talking to you is kind of like not calling my parents you just feel that little twang I better I should do that so Jason what's the first

thing we got out of the mailbag here hi guys I'm currently dealing with a brain tumor a grade two meningioma which was partially removed from surgery a few years ago This type of tumor is slow growing, but the main part that was giving me trouble is now gone. I'm now in a monitoring stage to determine if and when further treatment is necessary. That would require six weeks of daily treatment at 15 minutes a day. My doctor says that I can go back to work and function normally. However, there are potential side effects like fatigue. He wants me to wait as long as possible before initiating treatment,

not only to limit the obvious side effects, but to also limit exposure to radiation in general. I'm employed with great benefits with a company that's seen me, through the initial surgery phase. However, I want to change jobs for the usual reasons like more pay, responsibility, etc., plus I feel that I'm stagnating with limited upward mobility. Furthermore, my manager is nearing retirement, and I don't expect that I'll be identified as his successor. Needless to say, this has really clouded my outlook on the future here. So I'm actively seeking a new job. However, I feel some guilt and fear that my next employer won't take it too kindly if, after a few months, possibly even years, I need to get further

treatment for my tumor. I live in work in Canada, so medical expenses would not be an issue. For example, getting denied coverage for a pre-existing condition. But am I doing a disservice to the new employer? Also, could this lead to a potential dismissal because I can't perform up to the standards because of my tumor in its treatment? Should I stick it out with my current employer so that my medical situation is resolved, even if I'm miserable and falling behind?

Or should I ignore this eventuality and make hate with a new job, build up credibility, and capital with the firm so that I can take a few months to slow down and do deal with the treatment. Signed, Concerned Canadian. I would say definitely the latter here. So there's no sense being miserable now and then you have treatment and then you leave. I think you're putting your career behind for months, possibly even years, depending on how long the treatment takes. And since medical expenses aren't a factor, you don't have to worry about coverage. That's a huge relief because that was one of my first thoughts, Jason, was, oh my gosh, would this guy better be really careful? Yeah, you don't want to lose your insurance. Oh, Canadian,

No problem. Right, not a problem. Yeah, human rights and stuff. Your new employer is hiring you because you can get the job done now. Sure, you might have some fatigue later. It doesn't mean that you can't do your job or that you won't catch up. Right now, you're not even sure when you're going to get treatment or if it'll even affect you or how.

Your current employer was kind for helping you get through this phase. That does not mean that you owe them your career. I just want to highlight this because it would be different if they helped you and then you left them in the lurch and they're like, hey, we gave you eight months paid time off and then you quit at eight months and one day. Like that's kind of crappy. But right now, you're saying you're not moving up. You're not being challenged.

You're not being promoted to your manager's role. So you're not leaving them when they need you most. Through these actions, they are telling you that they don't need you in those higher positions, even though you feel that you're qualified. So you should consult an attorney in Canada for this next bit. But here in the USA, and again, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So anyone listening to this should consult their own attorney, employment attorney, preferably in their state in these cases.

Your next employer, probably, I'll put a little underline on that, cannot ask about upcoming medical stuff, nor current medical issues anyway. They can't say, hey, so you had that surgery, you got any weird treatment coming up? You might need to take time off for it? I don't think that's a thing that they're even allowed to ask. And they also likely cannot terminate you because you need treatment for this. So I wouldn't worry, I certainly wouldn't go in worrying, oh, I'm going to get fired because I'm tired at work because I'm having chemo. I don't, I think, if they fire you for that, you dodged a bullet because they're horrible people if they do that.

That's really, really bad. You don't have to go in there and say, hey, by the way, I'm going to be tired for months and months and I have no idea what this is going to look like. You don't have to do that. You're not leaving them in the lurch. You're already qualified. I do understand this. If you're concerned about ethics, get the new job, crush it, go above and be on the call of duty. Then when you need treatment, get the treatment, and communicate with your employer so they can work around your needs.

You might even be able to work from home. You don't even know. Then, when you come back to work, come back with a freaking vengeance so they can reaffirm that you were the right guy for the job and were the right guy all along. And this should absolve you of any guilt that you might have. I get it. You're feeling bad because you know that you'll have to downshy. a bit in your workload in the foreseeable future. The fact that you're even worried about this

in the first place, to me, shows that you're an employee any company would be lucky to have. Most people don't go into it. Like, how's this going to affect the company? They don't even care, right? They just think, that's a company, they'll deal with it.

Besides, you don't owe your employer your life. You don't owe your employer your health. You've got to take care of yourself and you shouldn't have to sacrifice your career mobility to do it. So best of luck out there and keep us posted on what you decide. I am very curious how this all works out for you and get well soon.

All right, next up. Hey, guys, my girlfriend and I agreed to split while we both went to grad school and date around to see if we still wanted to be together after we finished. I did my best to put myself out there and mostly casually dated and slept around. It was a great experience, and I never found the right one. But while I was doing that, my girlfriend had at least one serious relationship, and she was still talking to the guy as of a few months ago. She told me he's not a threat, but I know he had a tendency to send her dirty messages

up until she told him to cut it out recently. What's worse is that we're both moving together to a new city, but she's going a few months ahead of me since her job starts before mine. Problem is, this guy also lives in that city. I'm actually less worried about something happening in my absence. We have a dog, we live together, and she's never cheated. But I find myself getting hateful and jealous anyway. I can't stop fixating.

I know this is called retrospective or retroactive jealousy. I'll have to deal with this at some point, or our relationship is doomed to fail, and I don't want that. I'm 30 in love where our life and partnership is going. How do I work on these feelings with a partner? Do you and Jen never get jealous? Would love your help and advice. Sincerely, privately paranoid.

I can tell you from personal experience, this subsides over time. We did an episode a long time. Was it episode 200 that we did on and touched on some retroactive jealousy? This goes away over time. I know it doesn't seem like it will. My experience, when I first started dating Jen six years ago, I think even, yeah, five, six years ago was when I stopped feeling this. It started dating Jen around seven years ago now.

I was like, this is horrible. It's a terrible feeling. Every time I think about any of her past relationships, I feel horrible. I don't want to see any pictures of her with other guys on Facebook, all this stuff, right? So I called my friend Susan Winter. I called my friend Kim Seltzer. These are women who are relationship coaches. And they told me, hey, look, this is super normal.

everybody goes through this completely makes sense it subsides over time i didn't even remember feeling this way before of course i felt this way in other relationships i just don't remember it right i didn't remember it this is actually a good thing it shows you still really care about her communicate about it with her and not in a way that seeks reassurance you know don't go oh i need reassurance and placating every time i feel insecure communicate with her in a way that lets her know you've still got the Hats for her, that's fine. I don't get jealous now with Jen because we live together, we work together. Cheating would literally be impossible.

We have a baby now. That changes the relationship. What you're feeling is normal. It only breeds trouble when it becomes insecurity and you need to be placated constantly. Or if you become passive aggressive. Like let's say, and this is some bullshit I used to run too, like you see a photo of them on Facebook with somebody else that's like five years old and you're feeling kind of insecure about it so you act pissed off.

And then you go out with them and then she's like, what's your problem? And then you're like, nothing. And it's this photo that she took five years ago. And then you find out, think about this. Are you mad for a good reason? Would you still be mad if you found out that photo was her cousin? If you start to go through that dialogue with yourself and you're like, oh, no. You realize it's just jealousy.

And also remember, your girlfriend or your wife, whatever, is not some whore because she had a relationship before you any more than you're some dirt ass because you had a relationship before her. So you have to be pretty careful about that because it really is easy to start going down that road. And it's your biology trying to sort of protect and make sure that your genetics are propagated. But it's really, really going to be a disservice to you if you indulge with this. It's going to let you ruin your mindset. It's going to piss her off. It's going to piss you off. It's going to ruin your time together.

Don't indulge. Don't take the bait. your psychology trying to trick you. It'll pass. It will pass. Trust me on this. Six months from now, you're going to be like, oh, I'm fine. The other thing you might want to look at is if it's been a while and you're still feeling this way, see if there's something else that's making you feel insecure, and then this is kind of the boogeyman that you're aiming at. Because a lot of times we'll feel jealous. Maybe you lose your job and your girlfriend makes more money than you, so you feel little emasculated. And now you're like, oh, she's going to meet some guy at work. And then you see a

photo of her with coworkers and you're like, who's that guy sitting next to you? He's got his arm on the back your chair, who is that guy? You know, that's you feeding your insecurity and then making it feel like you're jealous when really that guy has nothing to do with it. Even she doesn't have anything to do with it. It's about you. So you've got to observe your own mindset, your own circumstances, find out where you are in your life right now, because that's probably playing the largest role in this. Trust me on this. I've done all of these things wrong. That's why I know this topic so well. And it will pass. Promise you that. This is Feedback Friday.

We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts from our amazing sponsors and to help keep this show going, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com slash subscribe.

Now let's hear some more of your questions here on. on Feedback Friday. All right, next. Hello, Triple J. Congrats on the new baby. How can parents create opportunities for their kids to build their social skills with communication with adults?

I'd like for my son to learn some of the concepts you teach before he hits junior high school. His only sibling is six years younger and we live in the country with very few neighbors. While he's known as a nice kid, and adults enjoy him because he's respectful, he's lacking in some areas. Any tips? Thanks.

Immaturity, be gone. I'm a recent parent, as you know, and I've never done this before, but my gut says sleepaway camp, boy scouts, stuff like that. That's the solution I'm thinking of. If you're able to travel and go with him, then cool, travel sports teams are probably pretty good, too. Junior high, though, that is rough for everyone, and he'll learn some skills there. And I know you want to smooth the path out for him because you think, oh, he's lagging behind, he's going to get his butt handed to him in junior high. I get that. I admire this.

I wouldn't stress about it too much. He does need time with peers as much as possible. Can he go away for a few weeks or even a month during summer or something like that to get a lot of social experience all at one time? There's no magic bullet that would do this automatically. There's no kind of easy cure. But I think a month, a couple weeks away, would do a lot. Kids are good at catching up. I mean, they learn fast, especially social skills.

Especially if the camp has older and younger kids in it where he can learn to get along with different age groups and get some leadership skills under his belt. That kind of thing is going to go a long way. You know, if he's lagging behind a little, I wouldn't worry too much, but yeah, he's going to be able to reinvent himself in junior high, so you want him starting off confident, feeling like he knows what he's doing.

Coming off a sleepaway camp will give him that. If he comes in kind of timid and shy and introverted, he's going to have a little bit of a heart of time. Trust me, I know that also from firsthand personal experience. It would be much easier if he comes in knowing how to talk to older kids, how to deal with younger kids and realize that he gets a chance to reinvent himself, and he's already had some practice with that over the summer.

But let us know how that goes. I'm very interested in this, of course, because now I'm thinking, how do I teach my own kids social skills in this way? There's definitely no easy way to do it. My example growing up certainly wasn't the right way. Okay, next up. Hi, Jordan and team. I learned that title insurance on a house keeps anyone else,

like a long-lost brother or sister in this case, from just showing up and saying their enticing. to their share. The thing is, it's got me thinking, as the long-lost sister, could I, or should I, pursue this, and show up and maybe play this card at my mom's house. My mom, who has divided the whole family and has an undiagnosed mental disorder, put the house title all in my estranged sister's name. My sister later proceeded to have mom kicked out of the house for whatever reason. I'd stopped contact with my mom a few years before all this and moved forward with my life. How do I find out if I can get in on this if my sister sells the house?

Or should I just leave it alone and enjoy my peaceful life? My sister won't return any of my calls, even though there's no bad blood between us. Your input would be much appreciated. To pursue or not to pursue? Okay, this is a legal question. So, again, disclaimer, I'm a lawyer, I'm not your lawyer, consult a lawyer in your state that specializes in this, et cetera. Trust me, you're going to want to do that.

Anyway, first things first, while the mom is. alive your mom if she is still alive basically the only one she is the only one who can bring any action against your sister you didn't tell us whether she's still around after your sister kicked her out so I'm gonna assume she's not still alive but if she is you have your answer already you have no standing it's all up to her yes you can try to go after this if she has passed away you can try to go after this but you are very you're gonna likely have to prove that there was some undue influence on your mother that caused her to give

the house to your sister. And then you will almost certainly end up in court quite a few times, if not an open litigation on this issue. Lawsuits, first-hand experience, stressful, expensive, take it from me, I'm doing it right now with the old company. It's stressful and expensive. Even if you win, you lose. How bad do you want the house? I mean, you're not going to get the house. You might get some cash from the title insurance company, but likely not that either. there might be something actionable here after your mother passes away trying to claim that the house is part of the estate. And I think you're probably kind of screwed on the title side of things. However, in some states, you could make an argument that the house was a living bequest.

That might not be the right term. You should double check on that. But you could argue in court that the value of the house should get deducted from your sister's share of the estate. So if each kid is supposed to get $100 grand from the estate, then you could argue that the house, Okay, that was worth 90K. Your sister only gets 10K out of the estate. I don't know if your mom had an estate big enough for that to be a concern. That's all details as far as it goes.

As far as the title goes, that stuff is super hard to beat. Those insurance companies, they do a little bit of investigating on that stuff because they're insuring it, right? That's their business. The only way I know how to beat that stuff is through a lawsuit, again, at your own expense. So in closing here, if you're looking for a quick payday, this ain't it. I'd relish your piece and go on. with your life. You already won. You're able to move forward. You're happy. You're not a crazy person.

And anyone who kicks their own mother out of their house, her house, is probably not living a life any of us would envy. That's, I don't know your particular situation, but even if I hated my parents, I probably wouldn't trick them into leaving me their house and then kicking them out. That's, that's kind of a predatory thing to do. Happy people don't do that stuff. And if you want to be in court with that person, that's one thing, but remember, that means contact and you're fighting them. I would use this as a good reason to just cut and run. You've already done that. You've already built a life for yourself. I would say this reinforces your decision to have done just what you did, which is kind of no contact everybody and bounce and go on with your life. You've already won.

That's the end of the game, right? That's the end game is happiness. You're optimizing for that. You're not trying to get, unless your mom was a multi, multi-millionaire, and we're talking about a really nice house, it's not worth it. Even then, I don't think it's worth it, especially if you're happy now. You don't want to rock that boat. Lawsuits are a nightmare. They really can be. Even a smooth lawsuit is stressful and expensive. I won't beat that dead horse.

But, man, if you're right now enjoying what you're doing, I would say stop trying to get that money and just move on. All right, what else we got? Hey, Jay's, I'm super excited to announce that I will be switching location. My current place of business has been undergoing some shady acts, including opening a second extremely large location when the first is less than thriving, treating their employees and clients as less than a priority. To top it off, both of the owners are going on maternity leave at the same time as the new location opens, leaving us without a manager or boss of any sorts until they return. Because of this, I don't feel safe and secure in my job. I've decided to switch locations to a new place in the same field, run by two friends that I respect and, and I'm a new place. and admire in the industry.

They're going the opposite route, growing low and slow as the business thrives. This move will also allow me to expand my certifications and endorse products that are better for the environment. I'm so excited for this move. Within this industry, switching locations is a very risky move. I'm entirely commission-based. My clients have been brought in by me personally and expect to see me when they return. It's unlikely my old location will tell them where I've gone, and they'll try and retain them

within the business. I'm planning to turn in my resignation letter at the end of the week and send out an email to my guests announcing my move and also posting on social media as I know the large majority of my clientele will want to follow me. How do I phrase the announcement to my guests with excitement and enthusiasm without bashing the old location? This is a very small industry and word gets around. I would appreciate any words of advice, signed Moving on gracefully. Moving on gracefully. This is good. Focus on the benefit to you,

having moved on and to the client or customer for joining the new company and the team. Something like, I'm so excited to be joining ABC company. This is a fantastic experience for myself, my team, and my clients. There's lots of upside. There's a really great all-star team we're joining. I can't wait. I would just not say anything about the old company at all in this case. Because you're not dealing with them trying to damage your reputation.

They're not taking anything from you. they didn't eject you in some weird way that requires you to remediate the situation. I would just move on gracefully like that. If anyone asks, you can have a phone call with them. If someone's like, hey, what happened? I'm thinking about doing business with them. What's the deal? Have a phone call with them.

Do not ask them to leave the old company and join the new one. You can tell them you'd love to work with them in the future or something equally kind of vague, but you cannot solicit, in many cases, you cannot solicit or your old employer might have a cause of action. And you should make sure of this. For example, I would advise you to check the terms of any employment agreement or other contracts that you sign. In fact, have a lawyer do that so that you're on the side of right. This stuff can be so state specific on whether the former owners, the owners of your old company can sue you for solicitation. It might be worth consulting an attorney just based on that. Some states make it pretty hard for owners to go after former employees,

especially if you're a contractor or something like that, other states are much more open to all of that. And since you know the majority of the clientele will want to follow you, like you said, you should make sure that they know you're leaving. Don't take any customer lists. Don't take anything that might belong to your employer either. Don't download, print out, whatever,

you know, a list of everybody who you had an appointment with over the last six months. That is theft. What you can do is notify your current customer base that you're leaving and ask them to, keep in touch. You can talk to them after you leave. You just cannot entice them to leave a current contract they've got with the current business and go with you unless your employment agreement allows for this. So be careful here. Technically, and again, depending on the state, you might be free

to solicit former clients unless you have a non-solicit or non-compete agreement in place. And that's some fine print you need to check. That said, I still stand by my advice in the prior is that they can still sue you for other things. They can say, oh, you're slandering us. If you say, oh, I'm glad to be out of there. That's, you know, they did all these things that are unethical. You got to be careful. If it's not slander, if it's true, but it might not benefit you. Thief of trade secret. That's something the old company tried to get me on. And it's like, cool, I'd love to see the evidence. Of course, there's no evidence because I didn't do that. I was very careful with that. And you should be too. There should be nothing where they say, well, you took this process or this info customer

list is the most common complaint. Stolen customer list, stolen customer list. That's the most common complaint. This is something I'm very glad I paid attention to when I left the old company. I didn't solicit anyone. I simply informed relevant parties that I was leaving. The split then was grossly mishandled by the company that I left and freaked out all the advertisers for the old show, many of the vendors, many of the team, prompting a lot of people to jump ship and come with me. That was their mistake. I baited them into it, maybe, but that was their mistake. You don't want to be on the wrong side of that. They tried to say, oh, you solicited these people. There's no evidence because it didn't happen, and that's a really good way to get some sleep at night and

rest easy, is to know that you didn't screw up. It's a major reason that the Jordan Harbinger show is so much more profitable than the old company, because the relationships you've built with your clients will stick with you. They are loyal to you. Even if leave you, legally right now, they might not actually belong to you. You've done the work to build those relationships, and now your reward is that they'll carry you through the rest of your career. That's why a lot of salespeople, when they leave companies, companies have to pay salespeople because, yeah, oh, you're a non-compete, there's a non-solicit.

It doesn't matter. Clients like the people they deal with at companies, and that's why salespeople have to get paid what they do, because if they leave, companies know that come hell or high water, they're probably taking their best clients because they've got the relationships. And this is why networking and relationship management stuff is so crucial. That's the dig the well before you're thirsty. This is the best insurance policy that money can't buy. So if you're not doing this, if you're not creating a lot of relationships, check out the six-minute

networking course. It's free. That's the whole point. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is going to teach you how to do this. This is a, like I said, insurance that is not available anywhere. You have to make it. And I highly recommend that you do. my bacon. We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this. Thanks for listening

and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air. And to learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard so you can check out our amazing sponsors, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. Okay. What else? Hi, Triple J. A few years back, we closed our business at a great loss, and I chose to get a job close to home while we press the reset button. By doing so, I've limited my income substantially, though I've been really enjoying my work life and the people I work with. The company is great and is international, offering great opportunities.

Or at least I thought it would. A lot of changes have come about recently, and I don't know if those opportunities will be there anymore. And now I'm getting offers for roles that are twice what I earn, though perhaps with less security as their contract roles. They're also two hours away, which would mean commuting, or perhaps getting some cheap accommodation close to the job during the week. This would help our family immensely, though I would be away a lot more, and I really don't want to do that.

Do I take on such a role and boost my debt repayments in the short term, or do I stay where I am and continue the slow but steady path to a positive financial future and maybe get into a better position in the company? How should one make these decisions? Keep up the great show. Cheers in a dilemma. Well, only you can make this decision, of course. it sounds like one decision will keep you away more,

but it leads to more freedom from debt, which leads to flexibility. So I'll repeat that. The less debt you have, the more flexibility you have. And that's amazing. Flexibility, freedom is what I mean, right? If you've got debt,

you can't necessarily buy a new home. You can't necessarily move. You can't necessarily undertake another project or take a riskier job or take another job. You can always go back to your old company, probably. Plus, you'll have leverage with them because they know you can get other offers because you actually did get another offer. So by taking a contract offer or two, you actually stand, in my opinion, you stand to get both of the things that you want. One, you get higher pay, which makes it worth the commute or staying away from home during the week or whatever you decide to do.

And two, you get major leverage over the other company because unless they were trying to get rid of you already, they're going to see, the company closer to home is going to see if you decide to come back. they're going to say, oh, we better pay him what he's worth. And apparently what he's worth is XYZ because he got two jobs at that rate. So I don't see much of a downside other than that long-ass commute or having to get a place closer to the new office. Two-hour commute is a long way, especially if that's one way. That's pretty long. You might consider looking for cheap Airbnbs or a youth hostel or something like that where you can get a good night's sleep or a cheap hotel. That's what I would do anyway.

Otherwise, yeah, I guess somebody's catching up on the Jordan Harbinger show and a few audiobooks if you've got a two hour each way commute, but I would take the money because it helps you get out of debt. If you just wanted the money and you weren't sure what you were going to do with it and you're like, uh, I just like money,

then I might advise otherwise. But for this, getting out of debt, that's going to buy you freedom, which leads to a lot of good things later on down the line. You could go back to the old company and even if they couldn't pay you what you were worth, you could take a job closer to home and you wouldn't have to worry about the amount you're getting paid because you don't have debt piling up.

So there's a lot to be said for that. And, you know, that commute's not going to be the end of the world. But having all that flexibility, man, it's a huge luxury. Okay, what's next? Hello, Triple J. I hired a contractor to do remodeling projects on my home. Due to a short-notice work trip, I didn't have time to get a very clear contract written before he started working. One year later, and I'm in the hole over $30,000 with this company.

contractor, plus the parts I've bought that he says are unusable, even though he told me to buy the specific parts or appliances. I've since fired him with about $3,000 worth of the original estimate remaining remaining, and I've yet to pay him that remaining $3,000. His work is terrible, and I'm having to pay plumbers, electricians, and truly professional contractors to fix his mistakes. Should I consider taking him to small claims court due to the lost money, time, et cetera? I'm concerned because the contract is so flimsy, without specifics regarding how the repairs were to be made and in what timeline. He since vacated my house, but has left a ton of his work equipment and supplies in my garage that include a lot of lumber, tools, and a full-sized jacuzzi hot tub. I asked him to come

remove them, but no response. What are my legal obligations regarding all the stuff he left behind? I don't want to toss it out, and then he drags me to court claiming I threw away his equipment. Thanks for all the help and the excellent show. Signed, stuck in a money pit. So this is a tricky one because it is a legal question. Again, I'm a lawyer or not your lawyer, seek a lawyer's help. And Jason, you and I were talking off air about this because small claims court typically a waste of time. But speaking of small claims court, somebody watches a little bit of daytime TV. It has an opinion about this, Jason. I do have a little bit of a habit of watching the People's Court quite a bit. I love Judge Millian. She is awesome. And they have a lot of Judge Wapner.

Oh, yeah. No. Do they still use the same theme song? They're like, dun-d-d-d-d-d-oh. Of my God. Of course. And guess who does the man on the street interviews? Harvey Levin from TMZ. I'm a lawyer. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a fun show. It's a fun show when you just need some downtime in the middle of the day to recharge. But I've seen a lot of issues that they've had with contractors on there. And the one thing that I know you cannot do is you cannot hold their gear hostage for like services in return or money in return. That is basically you stole it from them. So you do need to talk to a lawyer locally to find out what the rules are in your state about what you can do with that if there is a period of time where then it becomes abandoned, you know, just abandoned goods that were left in your garage that you can get rid of. Because, I mean, the guy left a jacuzzi. I wouldn't want a jacuzzi in my garage. No. Geez.

I mean, what was he doing with a jacuzzi in your garage? Yeah, that's very strange. Like, was he supposed to install that at your place or he just went, hey, let me just put this jacuzzi down and I'll be, I'll pick it up in a jiff. I don't get how that happened, but it's a little outside the scope. It is outside the scope, but I would love to hear the story sometime. But yeah, definitely check with what is legal in your area about how you can at least get rid of the stuff because that is a sticky wicket for sure because you don't want to destroy it and have to pay for it. No, and there are laws that have to do with abandonment of property and things like that that might be different

because it's in your personal property. And he might say, I tried to go get it. And it's like you need to be able to document you reaching out to him and saying that most small claims, Claims courts have a maximum limit of a few thousand bucks at most. This is not going to qualify as small claims. I'm not sure it's worth waging a fight down there at all anyway. As far as the equipment and supplies, I would say you've got that stuff. It's yours right now, theoretically.

And you can say, look, and again, consult a lawyer, just as Jason mentioned, but he can buy it back from you, or you can sell it as abandoned once it actually is legally abandoned. And then if he wants the money, you say, okay, great. So you abandon this stuff. I sold it legally. You owe me 27,000 for this work. I owe you 12,000 for that stuff plus storage fees. So hand over a check, or we can just call it even.

And you'll never hear from that guy again. I would send him a certified letter with return receipt requested about the equipment. Say, I've got your stuff here. When are you going to come get it? Also, you have to finish this work at your expense because you didn't cover what we did. If you don't get a response within a certain amount of time, time again, consult your lawyer about what that amount of time needs to be, you can consider the stuff abandoned, and then you can sell it to recoup some of the costs.

In the meantime, take lots of photographs, so you have everything documented. And if you do send him a certified letter, make sure those photographs are in there. So you have proof that you have sent him photographs of all the materials, because if it does end up going to court, it's for some reason or another, you want to have time stamped photos of everything that's been left in your house. Exactly. Yeah, good call. What this also does. does though if you sell the property is abandoned he would then have to come after you at his expense for that property right and then he's got to take you to court and you go great i'm i'm loving the opportunity to tell you that this guy hoes me for 27 000 he's an unlicensed contractor he screwed up

all this work here's the expenses i incurred having to fix his mess he left this stuff here for you know three months i contacted him two times with a certified letter here's the photo here's the return receipt he never came to get it now he's suing me for this he owes me $27,000. No judge is going to want to put up with this crap. They're going to tell you to settle and this guy's going to, he's going to evaporate. I can promise you right now. He knows you have his stuff and he knows he's screwed up and he's afraid to even talk to you

because he knows that he's in the wrong. I think he's already said, well, crap, I'm never going to see that jacuzzi again. I think that's what's going on in his head. He knows he's not getting that stuff back. So you just need to be able to be, you just need to be able to show the right people that you tried. and then yeah, I would sell that crap and get some of your money back. Sorry for your loss. Last but not least.

Dear Triple J, I need advice on keeping an X out of my life forever. After a few months into our relationship, he started staying over at my house most nights. He even got a job nearby, so then he was always there, practically moved in, although it wasn't something we discussed beforehand, but I didn't give it much thought. Fast forward a few more months, and I had serious concerns about the relationship. I didn't like the fighting or him growing increasingly verbally abusive. I kept asking him to leave, but he wouldn't. He said he couldn't just go back to where he was living before,

and I needed to give him more time to figure out where he could go. He never made concrete plans, and some days would straight up refuse to leave. One night I was so upset by the fighting, I locked myself in my bedroom, and he broke the doorknob to get in. He got up in my face yelling about how I'm a bitch and a whore. I couldn't get him to leave me alone, so I called the police. Much to my surprise, I couldn't just kick him out because of the squatters rights. The police were unsympathetic and didn't want to get involved with domestic disputes.

The officer advised me to go to the courthouse and file an eviction notice. I did the next day, and when I was there, I inquired about other measures that could be taken in case he kept refusing to leave. The sheriff's office I was directed to was extremely unhelpful. Basically, they told me I'd have to just come back to court if he hadn't left in 30 days and file another notice, and in the meantime, I should call a domestic abuse hotline to hopefully get free legal counsel, I can't afford a lawyer right now. That hotline kept giving me other numbers to try, and I ended up leaving several voicemails and calling every day, and no one ever picked up or responded to my messages.

In that time, he actually had to go to jail for driving on a suspended license, and he had two warrants out for his arrest in another state for failure to appear in court. He recently called me and said that the state hadn't shown up to pick him up and take him back to their state, so the jail was just going to release him. He wanted to come get his stuff and needed a place to stay, but he doesn't have a call, or any means to even get to his mother's house. I told him it's not my problem and he couldn't stay with me and he got very angry and started getting aggressive,

saying he didn't want to hear this shit out of me and I couldn't just throw him out on the streets. I don't know what to do to protect myself and get him out of my life. When he shows up at my house, should I just give him his stuff and call the police if he doesn't leave? What if they're not helpful again? He won't have a ride because I'm the only person he knows nearby, so should I be understanding and drive him to his mom's house,

which is several hours away? He's been manipulative and toxic, and I don't want to go through that again. I felt trapped in my own house because he would get drunk and start yelling and pick fights and be aggressive, although not physically abusive, but I couldn't force him to leave. I wake up with nightmares about him breaking into my house. I thought I could always call the police if I needed someone to leave my house, but now I understand that's not the case and it's very unsettling. I know I should seek therapy because I've developed anxiety over this, and it's starting to affect all areas of my life. Cost is a problem, though. At this point, I worry it's all about power and manipulation to him, and I'm worried he's never going to leave me alone. Thank you so much for your time and advice. Sincerely, feeling helpless. First things first, are you okay? If that, this is heavy duty, cut contact with this guy immediately. Don't answer anything from him at all. Nothing.

Change the locks immediately. I mean, like yesterday, get a deadbolt, get a solid core door, one that you can't just kick through. that has, you know, you know those, Jason, I don't know if you know this. Well, you probably do. There's a lot of different types of doors. And, like, people use interior doors on the outside because they're cheap. Or some apartment building landlord will be like, I'm not going to replace this with a solid corridor.

I'm going to get a cheap interior door because it's not outside. So they'll replace it with this freaking $30, you know, run into it sideways by accident and put a hole in it door. Yeah, like you made a balsa wood. Yeah, balsa wood. Yeah, really made out of like crappy, what's it, like plywood kind of composite. Composite is what it's going. Tell your landlord and neighbors this guy's after you and don't let him in to the apartment building or the house. Yes, it's embarrassing.

This is your life. Who cares? Sorry. Yes, it's embarrassing. You want your people looking out for you, not thinking, oh, you're an idiot. I mean, it doesn't matter what they think. You want them to know this guy was a mistake and is dangerous. If he wants his stuff back, do not be manipulated.

into opening the door unless he is with the police. Again, do not contact him at all and do not answer anything from him directly because what he's going to try to do is manipulate you into giving his stuff back, aka opening the door, and you don't know what's going to happen when that happens. The police can facilitate getting his stuff back

if they care to do so. Also, you can shove his crap in those big industrial trash bags and you can leave them outside. Not necessarily out on the curb as garbage. I mean, that's maybe a last resort. You can leave him outside the apartment or outside the house. Tell him he has until the trash collector is swing through the neighborhood to come and get his stuff. The key is to have it ready to go.

So if he shows up with cops, it takes two minutes, not two hours with seven arguments in between. If he shows up without cops, do not answer the door. Call the police immediately. He's abusive. He's going to try to charm his way into the house. I've seen this before. This is not going to end well if you let him charm you. it's not going to end well if he gets in the house.

And yeah, you're right about squatters' rights. It's insanity. Some a-hole can shack up with you for a certain time period, and then he becomes a tenant with rights. It is bat crap crazy. That's another rant. It depends on the time frame. There's all kinds of, don't believe what you heard on the phone.

This is something a lawyer might be able to tell you when they have squatters' rights. And frankly, I know you don't have a lot of money. You might be able to call a law office, tell them what's going on, and somebody who does this day in and day out can say, nah, he doesn't have squatters rights for 90 days. Do you live there for 90 days? Oh, only 30? Okay, no, he doesn't have any rights.

Good luck, bye. Lawyers are, you'd be surprised. You can call lawyers you've never spoken to before, ask him one or two questions, and most of them will happily answer you because they already know the answer in their state in certain sort of black and white cases like this. Do you have squatters rights?

Well, he was here for three weeks or a month. No, he doesn't have squatters rights, the end. No kind of ifsands are. butts about it. If you have to get out of your place, go to a shelter. The guy's abusive. He's controlling. He's dangerous. I'm sorry for any delay in response here. I just saw your email. I hope you're okay. And police departments, they obviously, as you've experienced, they hate getting involved in this stuff. The next time he acts abusive, call the cops, press charges, show up to testify against him in court. That's the key. A lot of people don't do that.

under most domestic assault charges, he either has to physically hit you or put you in legitimate fear of imminent bodily harm. Now, while those charges are pending, he can't be around you, he can't contact you, he's not allowed at your house, except with your permission, do not give it to him, and escorted either by someone that you trust or the police department. Pick the police department. The last thing you want is to find out one of your impartial mutual friends is actually just on his side. You do not want that. You want someone there who's going to tase his ass if he tries to act a fool. Alternatively, you might be able to apply for a version of a restraining order or order of protection. This involves going before a judge.

But the fact that you've called the police before and you tried to evict him, those are both points in your favor. Usually the judge will issue a temporary restraining order, TRO, or order of protection, until a dispositional hearing can be held on this. And the bonus is that if he fails to show up, he automatically loses. But again, your safety is first. Change the damn locks. Get a deadbolt. Get a sturdy door. Put that on a credit card if you don't have any money.

This is your safety. Lock the windows, lock the doors. Get tape a call pro app for your phone. I'll link to that in the show notes. Tape a call pro. You record all your calls with them. It may be illegal in your state to do so. Check your wiretapping laws in your state.

Google wiretapping laws and your state. But even so, record the calls. This is not legal advice. This is what Jordan would do. Record the damn calls regardless. If you need the calls, it's worth having them because you're proving threats against your life. The last thing you want to say is, well, I couldn't get the call because wiretapping laws. You want to say, yeah, I broke the wiretapping laws, but here's him threatening to kill me, 17 times while high on meth and seven different phone calls.

That's what you need. This is a part where I have to say I'm not your lawyer. Get a lawyer's see competent legal advice. This isn't legal advice. This is safety advice from a layman for what it's worth. And yeah, if you change the locks, yeah, you might be subject to a claim from him for unlawful eviction if he's got squatters rights. But guess what? His broke just got out of jail ass has to go get a lawyer and proceed with that claim.

And that ain't happening. And if it does, you get to fight it with the evidence you have of him abusing you and coming after you. He doesn't want that on a public record, which is what happens with court records. So in the end, I think you roll the dice here. I think you play those voicemails if you ever get sued, unlikely. I defy a judge or jury to look at the evidence of abuse, acknowledge that you were in fear, and then declare that you got to pay your abusive POS ex-boyfriend money

for changing the locks and leaving him without a place to live, even though he didn't have a place to live in the first place. He can go right to hell. That's my professional advice. Preach it, sister. Yep. Life pro tip. If you're a student or you're planning on another sort of career,

you're coming out of college, it doesn't matter if you're a student or not, if you're just planning on a new career, look up posting. for your entry-level dream job. Look up any sort of posting for your dream job. Find the skills, find the qualifications you'll need, and then work backwards from there. A lot of people, they go, oh, I want to be in broadcasting,

or I want to be in this, and then they go and they go to school for that, and that's great. But doing this specific thing will not only give you an idea of the skills you actually need and which courses you might need to take, but it makes you reflect

if the job description actually sounds like something you'd want to do in the future. because a lot of people, they think the job is one thing, like law, for example. They think it's law and order, trials. Look at a description for a paralegal. That's really what you're going to be doing, right? You might not even want to look at the posting for the job you want. Look at the job posting for somebody who assists the person in the job you want.

So if you want to be a lawyer, look at a paralegal job posting, and you'll see it'll be like, you better know Microsoft Excel, you better know macros, you better know Word, you better know how to use a copy machine. You better know how to do basic court filings. And you're going, well, wait a minute. I'm going to be yelling in front of a jury and performing. No, you're not. You're going to be doing all that stuff for years. And then you're going to get a paralegal. And then you're going to do that stuff with your paralegal. And then your paralegal is going to go home because it's 7 p.m. And you're going to be there until 11. And you're going to keep doing that same stuff. So you got to be careful with that. And also talk to people who actually do the job. I know this

sounds like dur but most job postings are generated by people in HR and a lot of people in HR not everyone don't you know don't warm up your email fingers HR people but a lot of people in HR have no clue what a job actually entails and they have them all these requirements that are not actual requirements and that information gets spread around thanks to the internet people failing to do their diligence of course and stuff like that but you know you're going to find that There's tons of people, especially in corporate, HR will be doing it. If you're looking for something that HR is not hiring for, you're looking for like a biology position at a university that's going to be different.

This stuff, you've got to be very careful. Talk to people who do the job. Look at the job posting. Those are the skills you want. And look at the skills of the assistant to the person of the job you're looking for because you're going to need to master those skills. People don't hire assistance because they need a different set of skills done. they hire assistance because that's a huge amount of their job and they know they can train someone else to do it, but it's still the bulk of their job. I don't know that many people. There's no CEO that can't answer his own phone or schedule his own appointments, right? There's those are gatekeepers. There's no lawyer that can't do the job of a paralegal. Actually, there are tons that can't do the job of a paralegal. They're supposed to do it, but they forgot how and they have the paralegal doing it now, but you have to have mastered those skills. So that's how you find a career path. Don't just

look at the job and decide, oh, well, there's a law school near me. I'm going to take courses there. Oh, there's biology courses here. I'm just going to take those. Just having a degree in that area is not, as you should know by now, going to be even nearly sufficient for that. Plenty of people get hired with no college education to do a job while someone else has a degree in that field. They want somebody who can do the job, not somebody who's got the paper. Recommendation of the week, Jason, did you watch I Am Mother on Netflix? I have not. What's this one about? So this is like it's sci-fi. I normally don't watch sci-fi,

but I thought it was really interesting. There's a robot in an underground facility somewhere and it's raising this little girl, human girl, by herself. And I'm trying not to give away too many spoilers here, but basically there was some mass

extinction event outside and there's no people outside and it's nuclear winter or whatever. And this little girl grows up watching like 1980s Tonight Show episodes with Steve Martin and Johnny Carson on her iPad had of the future. And she's learning all this stuff and taking all these exams and then plot twist. All is not exactly as mother had explained. It's not a horror movie. It's just a sci-fi

thriller. I thought it was really good. So she's raised by this robot she calls mother. And her job is kind of to repopulate the earth following this extinction event. And then a stranger arrives with some alarming news. I thought it was pretty good movie. Oh, check it out. You know I love me the sci-fi. That's right. Netflix original. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Link to the show notes, always at Jordan Harbinger.com. Quick shout out to Corbin Payne Esquire for helping with some of the legal stuff this week. Remember, get your own lawyer in your own state for your own stuff. And shout out to Money Dillon, who's a big fan of the show as well. Go back and check out the guests, Mike Abershaw and Daniel Goldman, if you haven't yet.

And if you wanted to know how he managed to book all these great people and manage relationships with All of these amazing speakers and guests you here on the show, as well as the people that help us here with feedback Friday. I've got a six-minute networking course. That is free. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. It replaces any course that you took for me with a different name. It's not the same thing. Dig the well before you're thirsty, people. Do you leave your company?

You want to take those relationships with you. Once you need relationships, you're too late to make them. The drills take a few minutes a day. It's the type of habit you ignore at your own peril. It's not fluff. It's crucial. I wish I knew it two decades ago. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course.

I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews, most of them anyway, are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. Jason? I also have a tech podcast. Grumpy old geeks at gog. Or you can follow me on Twitter at J.P. Def. That's JPDEF.

This show is produced in association with podcast one. And this episode was co-produced by Jen Harbinger. Show notes by Robert Fogarty. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own. And yes, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before you implement anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others.

The fee for this show is that you share it with friends when you find something useful, which should be in every episode. So please share the show with those you love and even those you don't. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this whole. so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like

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that I want to understand how people in the world really work itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.