The Jordan Harbinger Show - 239: How to Ensure Your Authority Is Respected | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

At work, you're the youngest person on the team -- but you've also been there longer than anyone else. Your boss (who lives in another state) refers to you as his site lead, but you don't have an official title to reflect this. Your group needs the organization you know you can offer, but you don't want to come off as a power-hungry usurper. How do you get your boss to clarify your role -- to you and the team? On this Feedback Friday, we'll try to show you how to ensure your authority is respected. And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/239. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Interested in doing some prison time with Jordan next February? Reach out to [e-mail] for details! Is there a moral and/or legal obligation for Airbnb hosts to inform their guests when there are security cameras present -- whether or not they're recording anything? Are there any online courses or coaches specialized in social skills we would recommend for making conversation and connection easier? You're worried you don't come across as friendly. How can you improve your outer emotional reaction to people without feeling like you're overacting and being fake? Your boss communicates with you as if you're in a leadership position, but you feel like you have no authority. Do you need to ask him to clarify your role -- to you and your team? Is sharing photos useful when you're reconnecting with someone you haven't seen in a while, and is there networking value in alumni associations? You tend to forget the lessons you learn from audiobooks after a couple of months. What is the best way to memorize and apply the key takeaways of these books? What are the logistics of carrying on a successful long-distance relationship with a significant other whose sister doesn't like you and will probably undermine you from afar? You want to start a family, but your spouse's fertility issues may prevent this. Additionally, they're averse to therapy that might help lessen the impact or present options if you receive bad news. How can you be as supportive as possible? Life Pro Tip: Buy daily necessities in bulk when they're on sale, and pay close attention to unit prices! Recommendation of the Week: Losing Sight of Shore A quick shoutout to Becky, Robin, and all of the women's college volleyball players who listen to the show! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. And this week, we had Stephen Hassan, a friggin fascinating two-part series on cults. If you've ever wondered how cults developed their crazy mind control techniques and how they managed to exist, even in the age of the Internet and open information, the open information lands. You have to check out this week's shows. Besides, he tells us how to break cult influence and friends and family members and a spot if we're being recruited into a cult.

These were just freaking awesome, so interesting. These were some of my favorite shows ever. Yeah, ever. He's amazing. I love this guy. And also I write every so often on the blog, the latest post is about excuses and how we believe them, especially when they come from us.

And that's at Jordanharbinger.com slash articles. So make sure you've had a look and a listen there to all of that. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guest's experiences and our experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. By the way, I'm going to be celebrating my 40th birthday early next year in 2020, and I've decided that I'm going to do it at a prison. Now, I know that sounds very strange, but we're going to go in and work closely with

inmates who are graduating from a special program, and I could not be more excited. I've talked about this before. I know I mentioned this on the show about my last trip to the prison, and it was life-changing. And I'm going to go again in February 2020, and guess what? I'm inviting you guys along with me. The details are being hammered out right now, but basically it'll be just outside Reno, Nevada, we think, that we're pretty sure about that. You'll have to get there. It's really easy to get there, actually. There's a donation you'll make to help educate and rehabilitate and sort of do some job training-y type stuff. That's for the inmates.

It's a for-purpose business run by a friend of mine. And so if you're interested in this, please reach out to me and let me know. It'll be something along the lines of 1,200 plus the cost of travel and get in lodging and stuff like that. So if you're interested in that, it will be amazing. I'm going to get a lot of amazing people to go there with me as well, and you are invited. just email me prison at jordan harbinger.com. Prison at Jordanharbinger.com. I'll put you on the interest list that we're putting together.

Obviously, space for this is very limited. So it's going to be first come, first serve. There's not a lot of spots. You know, it's going to be a larger group, but the relative size of the group, trust me. Last time my friend was like, oh, I want to go to prison, who wants to go with me. And I think he filled 80 spots in a couple of days.

and that was just in a small Facebook group. So I expect this to be something that gets, quote, unquote, sold out pretty quick. So prison at Jordan Harbinger.com, let me know if you're interested in this, not a lot of spots. Last time was such a game changer, very moving for me. I really wanted to share the experience with you guys as well. So I'm really excited. They came up with the idea that we could do this, and I think it's going to be phenomenal. All right.

On to Feedback Friday. We've got some fun questions. Oh, by the way, my birthday is in February, late February. That's when we're looking at this. I know I just totally avoided the most important thing, which is when. It's going to be around February 26th. So that's when we're looking at going. We're looking at going exactly on that date, but you never know.

Could vary by one or two days. February 26, 2020, you'll probably come in on the 25th and we'll probably go to Reno. Stand by for details. In the meantime, email me, prison at jordanharbinger.com. All right, Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hi guys, I rented an Airbnb and I've been here two weeks. While on the floor doing yoga in the living room, I saw green light above the curtain rod and discovered there was a semi-concealed camera there recording all my movements and maybe sound as well.

After my initial panic and wave of nausea, though I don't think I did anything more embarrassing than yoga in my PJs or singing off key, I realized it's probably only there for the security and peace of mind of the owner when they're home. I reached out to her and told her I felt violated, mainly because I wasn't informed the camera was there. I made the suggestion that it was probably for her own peace of mind and told her I unplugged it and would plug it in at the end of my stay. We haven't talked yet, and I'm hoping she uses the out I gave her and doesn't try to justify it or ask me to plug it back in. But I would really like to know, even if she forgot about it, why didn't she tell me about it when she remembered? Don't those apps send alerts every time a motion is triggered? Isn't recording someone unknowingly, especially with video in a private space illegal, not to mention creepy?

With all the new surveillance tech inside homes these days, is there a moral, and legal obligation to inform your guests they are being recorded or that a camera is present. It was illegal in hotel room scandals of the 90s, but we've also all heard about nanny cams made popular in the early 2000s. Now with Ring and Nest and all the others, what obligation do you have to house guests

and what about paying house guests staying in your home when you're not present, such as a house sitter or Airbnb? Thanks for tapping into this one. Signed, The Walls have eyes. Ooh, this is kind of creepy. So I get it. I understand your concern here, especially because, yeah, a lot of these apps send alerts every time a motion is triggered, but you can always turn off the notification setting.

So it's possible that she turned those off. But the camera may be saving recording in the cloud for 90 days or however long depends on the model of camera, depends on if she has cloud recording. We have cameras in the house. I'm not going to say where because of security. Jen was happy to tell everybody. She's like, oh, tell them we have cameras here, here, here, here. I'm like, no, thanks.

Also, the cameras we have as far as you know are not concealed. We do have some, but obviously not. When guests come over, we try to mitigate. But we often forget. Cover your obsec there. Yeah, we're good enough. We're good enough. Exactly.

We often forget the cameras are even there. And so sometimes we have forgotten to notify guests. It could have been an innocent mistake that the Airbnb forgot to let you know. They could have put that in there. they could have thought like, oh, I better write that in the description and then forgot and that was the end of that. Or they just don't know. But Airbnb's rules are, they say the following. We require hosts to disclose all security cameras and other recording devices in their listings.

And we prohibit any security cameras and other recording devices that are in or that observe the interior of certain private spaces, such as bedrooms and bathrooms, regardless of whether they've been disclosed. and I can link to those that support article for Airbnb in the show notes as well. In hotels, this is definitely not allowed. It's not legal. There's an expectation of privacy. That's what this is all about. Even if you're in someone else's home or business, you know, there's a certain amount of privacy that you might expect in one place versus another. So businesses and even cars like a taxi or an Uber, they have signs that say, smile, you're on camera.

That comes with the camera in large part because depending on where you are, and I think it might, might even be nationwide, now that I think about it, you have to know that you're on camera. I would give Airbnb the listening person the benefit of the doubt. I would ask if there's any more cameras you should know about and then just get back to singing and yoga. It's a little creepy and I get why you feel violated. And that said, it's not in the bedroom. It's not in the bathroom.

So I'm less worried this is creepy, nefarious stuff. And I'm thinking more it's so your friend doesn't get robbed or assaulted. If she's like us, she's forgotten about the cameras for months or years. already. So who knows? Well, this is a situation that comes up on Grumpy Old Geeks all the time. We've covered it extensively for the past six and a half years. Having security cameras in your home that you are renting is not illegal. Period. It may violate the terms of the rental agreement, but if you don't disclose it. Right. But it's their home. And when you're in their home,

pretty much all bets are off. There was a case not too long ago about someone who didn't disclose that they were cameras in the house on Airbnb, and the guest actually stole the cameras and took them to the police department and tried to file a complaint with the police, that person was actually arrested for stealing the cameras from the Airbnb hosts home. Wow.

Yeah, because that's theft. I mean, it's flat out theft. Now, it is illegal if the homeowner posts the videos to the public internet because you didn't consent to that. and the rules are a little bit fuzzy about cloud storage and, you know, there hasn't been a definitive court case about this yet. And we're hoping that one will come soon because there needs to be court cases about this and there needs to be laws on the books. But the fact is there was a light on the camera too. And in that case, it lends credence to the fact that it wasn't concealed. She wasn't,

she didn't turn off the light because with every security camera, you can turn off the light in the settings panel. So I don't think there's any recourse since it was. also in a public area. You can complain to Airbnb, but that's probably not going to get you much except make it a little bit harder for you to rent in the future because you're probably going to get a negative review from the homeowner at that point. Now, the rule of thumb that we always say is in this brave new world, because we believe in Aldous Huxley over George Orwell, the rule is to assume that you are being recorded

all the time and act accordingly, especially if you're in someone else's house. That's why I always pull my hat down when I pick my nose in someone else's house. Just so they have to play the whole clip of me pulling my hat down and then picking my nose if they want to prove that it was me. Otherwise, and it's too long to fit on most people's social media. Gross. Yeah. Yeah. Life Pro tip of the week.

I assume you're being recorded and pull your hat down before you pick out a booger. Yeah. I mean, I sort of wish that I was like, but seriously, whenever I go to a. Airbnb, I do in a paranoid way look around and go, okay, seems legit. Or, all right, I met the people who run this. Seems cool. But I'm always a little bit like, you know, I'll be on the pot and I'll look up and I see the fan and I'm like, what's in there?

And I've definitely shown a flashlight up into a vent or two in my day. Me too. I check every fire, or a smoke detector to make sure they're legit smoke detectors because you've got to press the button. Then you can pull it off and take a point. peak to see what's in there. There have been lawsuits about this because people have been serptitiously recording people at Airbnb's, but we don't have the definitive court case yet. But I always, if I'm in an Airbnb, I'm walking around with a flashlight checking out everything.

I'm like, that's not a real teddy bear. All the stuffed animals go in a closet, period. I don't want any nanny cams. I'm one of those people who's like, if you want to see me naked, that's your problem. Exactly. Then once I got married, I was like, okay, I'm doing this to sort of protect my wife's privacy like look if you put a photo of me walking around in my me undies or something like that that's your weirdness i i seriously do not care but yeah when it comes to like having your wife around that's that's a little different we're not women we're not women it's a different beast when when women are involved yeah because it can be used sort of blackmail like i would i'm i'm waiting for

somebody to try to blackmail and be like i have pictures of you naked and i'm like sorry about that you know like no you don't understand i'm going to put them on the internet okay well good for you Yeah, I'm sure that's going to get... You're going to get 0.0 Bitcoin for that one, Mr. Blackmailer. Good luck. That's not going to get any likes. Good luck, buddy. All right, next up. Dear Triple J, I'm a divorced father of young children, originally from the UK, now living abroad.

My divorce happened last year, though the whole process took over two years. My divorce was a big eye-opener about my behavior and how I interact socially with people. Thanks to the programs like six-minute networking, I've reconnected with many week or dormant ties. I've joined sports groups and taken up singing in an effort to meet new people and rediscover old hobbies. I've also taken up improv to work on my fear of new social settings. However, my big problem is still with face-to-face contact and making friends with strangers in social settings. I've become a lot better at approaching strangers and starting conversations, but I find it hard to maintain their interest. Do you have any tips for making conversation and

connection easier? Are there any online courses or coaches specialized in social skills that you would recommend? Or is it just a case of practice, practice, practice? Thanks again for everything that you do and many congratulations on the new baby. Enjoy every minute. Very best regards. Socially awkward, Sammy. All right, Sammy, I do have some advice for you. And in fact, this is such a common question that I've actually made a video of this and I added it to the six minute networking course as a bonus for those of you who are in there. If you finish the course, you can go in and get it. If you haven't done the course yet. It's at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course, and it doesn't drip.

A lot of the other content drips. This is just there available for everyone. So let me know if you have a problem with that seeing it. It's in there. Should be up there even now. So the gist is this. It's called the Few or the Plunging Stone technique. I call it the conversational rapport formula.

And Few is FEEW. Facts, emotion, and why. That's what that stands for. So, for example, a fact might be something like, where do you work? You would elicit that in a conversation and that's a really easy sort of small talk topic emotion and eliciting emotion would be something like what's your favorite part of your job and that elicits the emotion it sounds a little bit like a fact but it will lead to an emotional answer well i just love helping kids it

makes me feel great that's how that usually goes right what do you do for work i'm a teacher what's your favorite part of your job helping kids learn it makes me feel great the why would be something like what is it about your job that makes you like it so much much or what keeps you coming in every day besides the paycheck. And these questions might sound similar, but they're actually very different, and the resulting conversation is much deeper. In most conversations, most people will stop after the first question, after getting a fact. Some people will ask the second question, and rarely, only a skilled conversationalist will have the knowledge or skill to dig deep enough and ask the third question, which is actually

the most important part. It happens organically with friends and things like that. But But that's pretty much it. Otherwise, you're not going to find most people doing this. Let's say you have a lake outside your house. And the local beavers constantly build up a dam. They've raised the water level of the lake. They create this still-sitting water. That's what beaver dams do.

This actually happens to my aunt and uncle's property. When the water level starts to get too high, you've got to break the dam down again. And it may take like 20 jabs with your shovel to break the dam. But you don't know exactly which hit is going to be the one to release the water flow. So guess what? It's similar with conversation. It's similar with getting people to open up. Sometimes you ask a person three questions.

They don't respond with much. You push a little further. You ask that fourth question. They find out you're really interested. They get interested in the conversation themselves. And boom, floodgates open, and they start sharing more than you really could have ever imagined. So remember, just like I said before, sometimes you'll get a great answer from just one question. And sometimes they aren't going to give you much even after the third question.

For example, you might ask someone what their favorite trip to New York was, and they could say, oh, I love New York, this or that, and the other day, go off on it. However, it's not always going to be that easy. Let's say you went through the first two steps, and they're taking a music production class. That's a fact. They say they really enjoy it. All right, fine, emotion. And then you ask them why they like it so much. But instead of getting a great story or understanding, they just say, I like the people in the class, now you're kind of shrugging. And rather than giving up or accepting that that's the end of the topic, you can try to dig a little further. You could say something like, oh, interesting. I expected you to say you really liked the course material,

but you're saying it's the people that really make the class enjoyable. Or you might say something simple and to the point, like, what is it about the people in your class that you like so much? You just don't know. That might be what is needed to really open up the conversation. And a little note, if the answer to the why is obvious, like you're talking about someone's divorce, in the end, you know, the question would be, why did getting divorce make you feel bad? You don't want to do that. You don't have to do that. You can ask about, which part of something felt a certain way. Like, oh, what's the hardest part about starting over and dating after being married for 10 years? So it sounds like a fact, but it's a feeling question.

So this is the basic curiosity curve. First get the facts, probe for the emotion behind the facts, then ask for their why. This is what leads to real conversation instead of just surface fluff. And again, I made a video about this. I added it to six-minute networking. You can find that for free at jordan harbinger.com slash course and if you're looking for coaching i do have someone i can refer to you as well and that goes for anyone listening this coach does a really good really really great work so far with a lot of people that i've referred and getting rave reviews and i will happily refer you if you email me jordan at jordan harbinger.com thanks for writing in this is feedback friday we'll be right back after this episode is sponsored in part by

Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling New Age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies. An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that.

From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiruality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics. Find Conspiruality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Through this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts from our amazing sponsors and help keep this show going, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just head on over to jordanharbinger.com slash subscribe.

Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Dear Triple J, I run a successful customer-facing business in a reasonably small town. image and how I'm perceived is very important to me. I often get recognized when I'm out and about on the town with my family, and I always thought I came across as friendly and approachable. The other day when I was out, I met a customer of mine by chance. As we greeted each other, I caught my reflection in a glass storefront opposite me

and was utterly shocked at how miserable I looked. I genuinely thought I was smiling from ear to ear. The dissonance between my inner feeling and my actual facial expression was very disconcerting. Now I'm worried that I don't come across as friendly at all. Is there a way to improve my outer emotional reaction to people without feeling like I'm overacting and being fake? I should mention that I'm 37 years old and I'm wondering if this old dog can be taught a new trick. Thanks for the great show and all the fantastic work you and your team do. Best regards, active grump face.

Ah, the old active grump face. Not much can be done about your resting face. I mean, this is the product of years. And frankly, a lot of people carry stress in their face so they just don't want to be. look happy. The trick here is to remember to be interested in other people. It's not just about smiling and acting friendly and fake. That might be hard. It might seem fake. But if you become interested in others, you can rescue almost any perceived impression that you might be unhappy or you're uninterested. For example, use the plunging stone or the FEW principle, the conversation

curve, the report curve that I outlined above. I should just pick one name for that, but I like all of them. This is in six minute networking. That gets the conversation going a bit more. You don't have to go all the way to the why. If someone sees you at the grocery store or whatever, you don't have to be like, oh, why do you love teaching? I mean, you know that you're just making small talk. Get the facts, maybe get some emotion behind it. That's a great small talk formula, the first two or even the one. That will show people you're interested in the conversation. So even if you might not look interested, at least you will seem interested. And of course, this gets easier over time, and as you relax more in your interactions, this will just get easier

and easier. And while you're working on this, try to remember to smile. You don't have to act fake. You don't have to go goo-goo all over everyone. But a little friendliness in the eyes, especially in the eyes, that can go a really long way. So if you're one of those people who's like, oh, I don't like smiling, my teeth, I'm self-conscious, it's all about the eyes. The little friendliness in the eyes, that's what people are looking for.

And I wouldn't judge yourself too harshly. I think a lot of us, I even know me when I, I'll take like a test photo for a video shoot and I'll be like, oh my God, I look like a serial killer. And my wife and a bunch of other people will be like, dude, you look fine. You look fine. I'm like, no, look at my face and look at this. And they're like, dude, you look fine. And I'm just very self-conscious. So you might have the exact same thing.

All right. One and done. What else we got? Hi, Jordan, Jason, Jen, and Jaden. I'm a 27-year-old working in clinical research through a contract company. I started my job fresh out of grad school when my group was literally four people. Fast forward two and a half years later and our group has expanded to a whopping 11 people and personnel has changed, so I'm now the most senior individual at my site.

My boss refers to me as his site lead. He lives in a different state than the site, so I'm his boots on the ground to coordinate for the studies as well as conduct data collection, apply intervention, and assist with analysis. My boss was on site when I started, and because we were so small when I first joined, we work collaboratively. My boss is so busy, he's very hands-off, and now outsources a lot of management to me. Now that we've grown, I know my group needs to improve an organization, but I don't feel like I have any actual authority to implement. I also don't know how to do this tactfully. Bottom line, my group needs organization, and my boss communicates with me as if I'm now in a

leadership position, but I feel like I have no authority. Do I need to ask him to clarify my role? It makes me feel like I'm a power-hungry usurper, but I also know that I have the most understanding of our works history and future vision. Side note, I happen to be the youngest person on the team as well. Thanks. Respect my authoritative. I get why you're between a rock and a hard place on this one, at least in your own mind. But bear this in mind, keep this in your head. You have knowledge, you have experience.

This isn't power-hungry. This is what's best for the project and for the business. and it's great for you too, but that's a coincidence. So this would be different if you are not the best fit for the job, but you just wanted the job because you wanted to move your career along, you wanted it because you're ambitious. This happens to be what's best for the project and what's best for the business. That's great.

That's a win-win for everyone involved. Yeah, you might get some backlash for being the youngest, but I think that just comes with the territory. I would absolutely ask to have your role clarified. and then make sure everyone knows where you stand. Also, I think your boss needs to elevate you and let everyone else know that too. What you don't want to do is have your boss be like,

yeah, just so you're clear, you're the boss over there, you're the manager, you have managerial authority. And then you go in the next day, and everyone's like, what are you trying to buy you bossing us around? Oh, well, Tim said that I have managerial authority. Okay, well, Tim's not here, and we didn't hear anything about that, so you're still the youngest guy and go fly a kite. Right, you don't want that.

you don't want that to be a problem you need to have this is his job as a manager to be like she's in charge this is what's going on etc you should also ask for a raise because look you're getting an official increase in responsibility the buck is going to stop with you there's no reason you shouldn't get a raise at that point remember the best time to ask for a raise is when you have another offer on the table and i would i'm not going to get too deep into this but i would refer you to the Alex Kutz negotiation episodes, but you might want to make damn sure you've got something here because you're going to have to say, look, I've got this going, I think I should be the manager of this. This is what I want to do. This is how I can improve things because they'll go,

yeah, go ahead and do it. And then if that works out, we'll give you a raise. It's like, no, I get a raise when I start being a leader, which I've already done. If you're going to give me more official responsibility, I need a raise. And if they're like, well, it's not the cards right now. you can be like, cool, the project is not doing as well, and I just want to make you know that. But if that's not necessarily going to work in your favor, but if you say, okay, FYI, I'm also exploring some offers, and I got some stuff in writing, and you should not be bluffing. You know, I've got some stuff in writing from some other places, and I don't want to take them, because I love working here.

I think it's amazing, but I do want to move up and get more responsibility, and I think my salary should match that. And that's completely fair, right? That is completely fair. and you need that leverage. If you don't have that leverage, you are up the creek without a paddle, up the creek without an offer. All right, next up. Hello, congratulations on the baby, and thanks for continuing to provide excellent and useful information.

I'm going through the six-minute networking course, and I'm disappointed by how few contacts I've maintained over the years, but I'm fortunately not thirsty right now. I have two brief and related questions. First, how useful are photos when connecting or reconnecting? Do you find that people are more or less likely to respond if you share a current photo? In a broader sense, how important are photos in my LinkedIn profile or sites where I promote my freelance work? In Europe, photos on CVs are common, but I'm wondering whether sharing or posting, context appropriate, photos in emails and text would make stronger impressions.

I don't use Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, so very few people know what I currently look like. Second, I don't believe that I've heard you discuss alumni networks as a useful resource. I have a number of degrees, but I've never become involved with any of the alumni networks. Do you perceive any value in alumni associations, or would you equate them with the non-curated events or groups that you recommend against? Thank you again for your hard work. Sincerely, photo curious. Photos, great idea. I would test this, you know, see if you get a better response to the photo, but I'm going to tell you right now, I think that having a photo in a profile is mandatory.

If I see a profile without a photo, I just assume that person is not an actual user. They never really updated their profile because it's like the first thing you put in there a lot of the time. So if there's no photo, I kind of think like, oh, they're not really that detail-oriented or they just don't use LinkedIn. As far as the texting and stuff like that, I've been using some recent baby photos of my son and I get like a hundred percent response rate. Now, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense for some people who don't have kids or whatever. But I would try this in a way that makes sense. It might just be weird to be like, here's my new headshot. You know, that's kind of a strange text to get.

Social profiles, resumes and things like that by law. Resumes by law cannot have a photo attached in the United States, I believe. CVs in Europe always have a photo attached because I think they're just a little bit more realistic over there about what people are using these for. Social profiles should always have a photo. Get some headshots or get pro photos done. You don't have to be like all glamour shots about it and you don't have to be ridiculous, but you should have something that looks good and puts you in a good light, no pun intended.

It's easy and then you're off the hook for like five years once you get your photos done. This is important because, man, I'll tell you, I know that you're not supposed to hire employees based on photos and age and stuff like that, but I will say for freelancers and things like that, I'm certainly looking and going, does this person look normal? and do they look like somebody. I probably shouldn't because I don't know if I'm toe in the line here because you're not supposed to be able to look at someone's CV and but I want to talk to people and see if they are a good fit.

And if I don't know what you look like, I just don't know. You know, I really don't have a good feel for you. That doesn't mean I won't hire you, but it means that I'm more likely to hire somebody who came across really well and that I can look up online. You know, I don't know, Jason, who would you hire as a freelancer? Somebody who's got photos and you're like, oh, they're cool. They go traveling and they do this.

Or somebody who you just see their resume, but there's not a single photo of them anywhere on the internet. Yeah, that sounds creepy to me. Right. I need to find out at least something that they're an actual person. Yeah. And some kind of social profile really does help because otherwise you might not be hiring an actual person. You might, you know, be hiring some guy that's, you know, doing digital arbitral and sending your work out to somebody else.

So I need to know that people that I'm working with are actual humans. I do worry about that. I do worry about the digital. People might not know what that is. So a lot of times you'll go, oh, I'm looking for a graphic designer and you'll hire Jim from Wisconsin. And he's like, yeah, I would love to do this. The project ranges from $300 to $600.

Is that cool? Here's some of our work. And I'm like, cool. And then I get, I'm trying to work with them. I'm getting lax communication. And then it's like, sorry, I'm having trouble getting some stuff back from my people and I'm like what people I thought you were a freelancer and then dot dot dot actually he's outsourced this to vietnam and exactly he's like oh I can't I can't give you your job today because the

power went out because it rained a lot today because we're in monsoon season here in the philippines right right and I'm like I thought it was hiring gym from wisconsin and look I don't have any problem with outsourcing but I want to know that it's outsourcing and that's otherwise I'm I feel like I'm being deceived, right? Because especially with things like design, you're going to have, there's going to be cultural differences. If you've ever hired a designer from another country, like I hired a designer in Central Asia,

and all of the colors were like green and red and in white. And I was like, I don't really love this. And they're like, oh, this looks really strong. And I'm like, I don't want this. You know, and a good designer can always sort of change things. But design is heavily influenced by culture. So generally, if you're looking for something for a North American audience.

You hire a designer that's in Europe, North America, Australia. It doesn't make sense to hire somebody who does most of their design for East Asia, right? Yeah, somebody that knows your target audience and knows their tastes. Exactly. So as far as alumni networks,

this depends on size. University of Michigan is huge. I think they have like 40,000 students at any given time or more. That alumni association, that might as well be AAA, right? It's not exactly an exclusive club. some small private liberal arts college in new england though where each class is 90 people and it's taught they are 190 or 500 people you know there could be a couple thousand active people in that alumni network and you could have really active alumni that get together all the time and you know that might be really great a super high end private high school that might be a really curated a well curated alumni network that might be better than a state school that has 40,000

students. So it depends. Alumni networks generally, I don't have anything to do with any of my alumni networks. And even Michigan law was relatively small. I do nothing with those alumni. I just, you know, I'm not in the industry. It's not really a thing for me. But look, if you went to a boarding school and you lived with people for 10 years from K through 12 or whatever that is, 12 years, 13 years, that might be a great alumni network because you grew up with everyone. And even if they weren't friends with you, they knew everyone that you knew. That could be a great alumni network. Somebody you had anthropology 101 with and then the other 39,000 you never met. Not great. Not very tight. So it really does depend on size and activity. Great questions, though. I'm glad you're

enjoying six-minute networking. And if you're not in that course, that's at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course, and it's free. Not tricky free. Enter your credit card and we charge you later free, but just free. I literally have nothing to sell you. I just want you to learn these skills. So check that out and feel free to ask me any questions. That's what's all about. We'll be back with more Feedback Friday right after this. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers is what keeps us on the air.

And to learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard so you can check out those amazing sponsors. Visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. Hi, Jordan and Jason. Congratulations, Jordan on the baby. May he grow up to be as funny as you. I mostly listen to non-fiction audiobooks introduced on the show, such as the psychology of persuasion, captivate, how to win friends and influence people, et cetera.

And my question is, what is the best way to memorize and apply the key takeaways of these books? I tend to forget some of the lessons that I learn from these audiobooks after a couple months. I googled this question and the most common answer is to take notes, but I wanted to hear your thoughts on this and know if there's a more systematic approach. Thanks for all you do, signed, calling an audible. For me, I seem like I kind of naturally am good at this. And the reason, and that's not actually true, by the way.

It's the product of being in college for four years and law school for three years and studying for the bar exam and then becoming an attorney. So there was quite a process for me. But Jen, when I consulted her on this, she said she has the same problem where she's trying to do a recap of a book to a friend. She realizes, oh, can't really explain this properly. And then she has to go back in the book and reread key parts. able to teach someone really shows how much you've actually absorbed. So I recommend having a friend and doing the summary and summarizing that book for the friend. Gen will often, there's a, I don't know if it's a game we play, but she used to slash still does fall asleep

during movies. And she'll go, Jordan, I want one of your famous recaps. What we found out purely by accident, purely from her asking me this all the time for to just tell her what she missed, it became Jordan's famous recaps. Because for some reason, even if I think I've only been half paying attention to the movie, the next day or later that week, I can recall basically the entire story. And a lot of little details, and I can tell it in chronological order, and people go, wow, I've never heard anybody recap a movie like that. And I always surprised myself, because I really didn't think those details were in there. So it has to do with the way that my brain parses this. But for most people, I think one of the reasons, for example, that I do the show is because now I get to read, I get to interview the author of the book, and then I get to sort of teach this stuff to you guys during that show and then later on on Feedback Friday or during your course.

So I also take notes, but I wouldn't probably bother taking notes if I wasn't prepping a show for you guys. So that's been a huge help. I kind of need a reason or motivation to do it. Teaching something to others, even just the key concepts, is a great way to make sure you hammer this stuff. of home for yourself. Jason, I know you've got some thoughts on this. Yeah, if he's using the audible player, there's a really handy notes feature. You can just tap it while you're listening and it'll pop up a little thing and it'll add a bookmark, which is what I generally do and then I'll go back later, re-listen to it and make

notes, or if you have the time, you can stop and actually put in a note, type in a note or do a little voice note thing, and just go back later and what I like to do is journal them. I personally don't read nonfiction and audible anymore because of the retention factor. It just, it's hard for me to actually retain stuff from nonfiction books in an audio format. So I just read fiction for the most part. And I read nonfiction on Kindle because the notes feature there is amazing. And you can export those to text. It's so cool. But when I was doing audiobooks in nonfiction, I would use that notes feature and save my notes. And, go back later and then I would keep a folder in Apple Notes per book.

And then I would just, you know, transcribe it. I'd listen to a little bit. And the bits that I really wanted to remember to drive home, I would make a note for that section in the book. And I'd put the little timestamp on when it started. So I could go back and reference it later if I wanted to hear it in like, you know, it's original state and its original fidelity. But for me now, audiobooks are like mainly enjoyment.

Like, I just listened to them for fun. I listen to fiction books because I found that for me, it is, this is a hard thing to do is to get stuff like this out of nonfiction books and audio. You've mastered that art for sure because you do it every day. Yeah. And I don't. I don't have to do that. That's your job. My job is on the other side of the show.

So I'm jealous that you can pull that stuff out and make it work. But, you know, I think definitely use that notes feature in Audible if you're listening to. audiobooks on the Audible app if that's something that you really want to do because it really it just gives you the bookmarks it's like oh that was cool just hit the bookmark button then you can go back later scrub back 30 seconds here where it started or a minute or however long it takes and then you know just journal it after that and that's going to solidify that in your brain about what you wanted to learn from that and just keep a notebook with it I mean you can either write it down or like I said use the Apple Notes app that I do perfect yeah I'd like

that idea. For me, it's been a process, right? I had to study law and I had to study for the bar exam. I mean, I had to learn all of that. Plus, I've been doing the show for like 10, 12 years. So I've read a lot of books, taking a lot of notes. Yeah, it is a process. I went to art school. So for me, it's a little different. Exactly. All right. Next up. Hi, Triple J. I'm dating a 16-year-old and I'm 18. I check the laws for my state and it's legal, so no worries there. I really enjoy spending time with her, not just because she's attractive, but also because she's very cheerful and lighthearted, which I don't experience very often. I'm going to college and will be about 70 miles away from her in two months, and her sister

doesn't like me, even though I've been nothing but nice to her, and I'm pretty sure she'd try to sabotage the relationship. I still want to be with her because my day feels that much lighter, but I'm worried about the logistics of a long-distance relationship and getting undermined by a vindictive sister. Overall, this is a very confusing situation, and I think I'm thinking more with my nether regions than my brain right now. And my parents have had almost comically disastrous romantic lives, so there are no help at all, nor are my friends who mostly have never been in relationships. Any help would be greatly appreciated, signed, hopeful romantic. So this is going to sound

a little callous. Just take it in context here. I do hope your relationship lasts and you're happy and all this other stuff, but look, you're probably going to break up when you get to college. It's not the end of the world. It happens to almost every. every single relationship when you go to college and someone else's staying home is almost certainly going to happen you might not but at the end of the day look it doesn't matter there's nothing you can do about the sister it's her sister she's never going to take your word over hers almost never unless you get married or something and her sister's just a total mess but the sister might tell her he's off with other women oh look at his social media look at you should be worried

about this all you can do is keep in close touch have her visit often so she gets a really good peek into your world and doesn't think you're sneaking around. But even this might not work. And to be honest, man, I know that you really love her and you're really concerned and you're really worried about this, but I would not worry too much. You're really young. Your world is about to pop off and blow up big time. I think you should enjoy college and let whatever happens happens. I think it should be very straightforward with your girlfriend back home. But I think you should let whatever happens happen, man. I don't think you should stress over this and try to marry your high school sweetheart in fact if you guys both go off and have great relationships for four years at

different colleges and then you get back together again later great you need to grow as a person you need to let college happen with you you can't live your life at home and your life in college it's just going to drive you crazy you're going to miss out on a lot you're going to end up resenting her because of this and it's not going to be her fault so that's my opinion on the matter jason i i know you've got some thoughts on the sister thing yeah i'm pretty much lockstep with you on this and I think he, I mean, you don't want to ruin her last years of high school and you want to enjoy your first years of college. You know, these are intersecting worlds here. So I definitely think that it's time to just move on personally.

I would be totally okay with that. Be up front with it and say, look, yeah, I just make it a clean break, honestly. I think that is the best way to do it because, you know, your world is going to explode and your mind is going to be blown. for all the stuff that you're going to see in college. And she can't come along for that ride because, you know, you're going to be at warp speed and she's stuck on impulse power, for my little Star Trek reference there. And she can't keep up.

And I think that's going to actually build friction in the relationship for sure, for sure. And you're so young. So just go have fun. But I do have a little bit of advice about the toxic sister. Okay. I've been in the toxic sister situation before. Have you, Jordan?

No, I'm usually pretty good with family and siblings. Yeah, I've been in the toxic sister situation a couple times. And here's the way I found that it works. If your girlfriend is really into you, she's going to ignore the sister. But at the turning point, when she starts to listen to the sister, that's when the relationship, you just call it off. It's done. Because that means she's lost faith in you as a, you know, as part of the relationship. And she's listening to other people's opinions.

So at that point, it's time to cut the cord. But until then, you have a window of opportunity to bring the sister around or the brother. The brothers are the hardest ones. Trust me. They are the hardest ones. Sisters are usually okay. You can be really cool with the sister and bring her around to your side eventually. But the brothers are really tough.

But once she starts listening to the family members about, you know, imaginary things that you're off doing, then just cut the cord for sure. Sure. And this is evergreen advice. It'll serve you for the rest of your life because you're eventually going to probably run into it. And I mean, like I said, it's happened to me a couple times. And I knew the relationship was over when she started throwing things back at me that the sister said that weren't even true. And once you get to that point, it's like, okay, I know what's going on here. You're just not that into me anymore. Let's move on. Right. Looking for an excuse. Yeah. Exactly. They can use that as a crutch. to move on. And I'm just like, okay, I understand what the scenario is here. And that's cool. That's cool. You're just not that into me anymore. Okay, move on. Speaking of moving on, last but not least. Hi, Jordan and Jen. Congratulations on baby Jaden. I hope Jen has recovered from the birth and both of you are adjusting well to parenthood. I was married in May and my wife and I would like to start a family as soon as possible. We recently learned that my wife has a large uterine fibroid that will make this a challenge.

She has a follow-up procedure in September to determine where the fibroid is located and what surgery is required to remove it. Some surgeries might eliminate her ability to get pregnant, which would be devastating news. My wife's a nanny. Her primary identity as being a caretaker. She mostly wants to be a mother and have a family. Part of what makes this difficult is the uncertainty. We don't know much, only that to get pregnant, my wife will need some form of surgery. She's already petrified at the thought of going under the knife, even for minor outpatient

procedures. Adding to this is the time pressure. We're already on the old end of having children. My wife is 37 and I'm 41. I'd like my wife to talk with someone, a therapist, family, or friends, to help her process the rush of emotions and prepare for when we receive more definitive news, but she wants to keep our situation private. She fears she'll be judged or pitied for not discovering this sooner. Besides myself, she's only shared the details with her younger brother. My brother-in-law is a caring person, but neither he nor I are equipped, either physically or mentally, to deal with women's health issues. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to get her to open up to someone qualified to help her. I've already identified a therapist who specializes in fertility issues, but my wife is particularly adverse to therapy.

She had a really bad experience with a therapist after being bullied as a child. I'd also like your thoughts on how I can support her and get her ready for whatever we will learn in September. I'm doing my best to comfort her, but I'm not confident either of us will be emotionally ready if we receive bad news, and her worst fears are realized. She's already very emotional and has cried herself to sleep multiple times in the last week. Thank you for any insights you can share. Oh, man, this is a tough situation. I really do feel for you. Now I understand the joys of having children and all that, so I really do feel for you.

And therapy is your start here. This is probably your start and your answer. you do need to get in therapy, both of you. I would say go with her all the time. So if she's worried about something or she had a bad experience with a therapist or something like that, go with her. You know, that's fine. It's not just her issue.

It's going to be both your issue, especially with the children. And if you use something like BetterHelp, which is a sponsor of the show, be on the calls with her. There's no worries about bullying there. Maybe she can get her eggs frozen. Maybe there can be a surrogate mom, but made out of her eggs and your sperm, you guys can adopt. There are tons of options here. By the way, betterhelp.com

slash Jordan if you want to get the first month discount thing there. She needs to know that she's not defective or something because of this. Plan ahead. Talk to a fertility doctor, not just a GP and not just the person doing the surgery. A fertility doctor will have options

that these other guys might not even be considering. Make it a priority to discuss these options as well and start planning for this. You got to plan ahead. Don't after the surgery go, what should we do? Oh, well, if you hadn't had the surgery, we could have done all this stuff. Now you're as a well.

Plan ahead of time. So start now. This is hard, but it's definitely not the end of the world, and this is not something you can't get through together. You can certainly raise children, and you'll be great parents. This is just a stumbling block, but you're going to be just fine. Just get your options early so that you don't run the clock down and then have fewer options and then add stress to your life because of that.

By the way, a few people have written in. And y'all really love our sponsors. Some people have had a little nitpicky issue here and there. If you have any issues with any of our sponsors ever, do let me know. I can sometimes get a butt or two kicked on your behalf if you have a problem. Some people mentioned they were having a little problem with a sponsor. We don't even have anymore. And I was able to resolve it with a couple of emails.

I also want to know about your experiences with our sponsors, both good and bad. So please do let me know. You can reply to any newsletter email that I send. you can reply to any six-minute networking email that I send you. You can also reach out to me directly. I really value your trust, and I want to make damn sure that everything you experience from the show is of the highest caliber. So if you've got something that really didn't work out for you, let me know.

I don't want to keep sponsors around that are jerking you guys around. And if somebody's really going over above and beyond, I want to know that too so that I can do an extra, extra good job for that sponsor as well. Life Pro Tip of the Week, Jason, you got something this time. Yeah, buy daily necessities in bulk when they're on sale. I mean, there are things that we all use on a daily basis that we usually just get one-offs for, like when we need them, like deodorant and toothpaste. One way to save a boatload of cash is look for great sales and deals when you find them and then just buy a year's supply. I live by this.

And let's say your toothpaste is on sale. It's $6 a tube and you use two tubes a month. I'm just using this as an example. You might use four or whatever. That's $144, right? So if you see a sale for $4 a tube, that works out to $96 a year. And if you buy a year's supply, you just saved $48. It works great on things that you have to buy over and over and over again, that you're never going to, you know, it's like you need this every day.

It really works. And don't believe the prices at warehouse stores like Sam's Club. And if you compare unit costs, which are those little numbers at the bottom of the, the price tags when you see them at the store. You know what I'm talking about, Jordan? Yeah, yeah, where it's like, oh, this Amazon has them too, where it's like 17 cents each. And you're like, wait a minute, this bigger bag is 12 cents each. Or this bigger bag is actually 21 cents each. How is that possible? Yeah. You know, because otherwise you're stuck trying to divide weight and like unit. You got to look at the unit cost. And you'll see that sometimes you'll buy this huge thing. And just because of where it shipped or how much the supplier got it from, it actually ends up costing more. You just don't. know. Yeah, and here's a real tip. One that I found that is saved me a boatload of money. Paper towels. When you go to the store and you're buying paper towels, look at the unit cost on paper towels.

It's incredible. You can, the difference in price on paper towels is astronomical. You can be going and getting the store brand that is like, you know, supposedly the cheap brand. And it is four times as much as getting a name brand for, for actual like square yardage for paper towel. That's crazy. And so look at those unit prices. Those unit prices are key. But I have saved so much money by just buying things in bulk when they go on sale because you know you're going to need them.

And, you know, I've got a drawer full of deodorant. I've got a drawer full of toothpaste and mouthwash and all that stuff. And I know it's always there, but I saved, you know, hundreds of dollars over the course of the year. Just buying things when I know they're on sale. or if they're having some kind of deal, like, you know, buy two, get one free. And then you just do the math on that real quick. And you're just going to save so much money.

It reminds me of Captain Mike Abershosh when he was talking about how he would go out and get civilian brands for his shit. Yeah, yeah, that was great. Yeah. And I was like, wait a minute. How are civilian brands that taste better cheaper? And he's like, because if you make something for a submarine and it has to fit in a certain submarine cabinet, and that cabinet has to hold X number of boxes. They just charge a dollar more for the box

because they know they have a billion dollar cereal contract. It's like what? Exactly, yeah. So, yeah, then you just go and get fruit loops or whatever, which everyone wanted anyway. And yeah, it's a little bit more like, oh, some of these fit in the counter and we got to throw some under the sink.

It's like, oh, well, whatever. Now everyone's eating better and it's cheaper. It's crazy to me. Yeah, just be a smart consumer and check those unit prices. Those things are key. They're key. there for a reason, there for your protection. So you can see how much that slice of cheese is going to cost. Recommendation of the week. This is yours too, Jason. Yeah, I watched an amazing documentary

this week called Losing Sight of Shore. It's from 2017, so it's a little older, but it was on Netflix, and you know me, I love, like, long distance and those kind of stories where people, like, put themselves in a situation where they have to, like, grind it out. for long periods of time. You know, I've always wanted to walk across the United States, so that's like, that's a thing with me. This is a couple of women, I think there are four of them, British women, who decided to row across the Pacific Ocean in a rowboat with no support boats.

It's incredible. It's incredible. Some of these women have never even been in a rowboat before. Stop. What? I'm serious. Why would you do that? to yourself. Some of these women were professional rowers and some just wanted the challenge. And

it's an amazing story. They did stop off at a couple ports to like top off, get some more supplies and things like that. But I mean, they rode across the Pacific Ocean on this little one-ton boat. And they did two hours on, two hours off, two hours off for months. I think it took him six months to get across the ocean. It's an incredible story. And I highly recommend it's it's just like I mean these they're badasses they're badass I would never do that ever well you're terrified of the ocean so of course you I mean yeah I in the ocean the boat thing doesn't scare me as much as just wanting to kill everybody who's on this boat with me I also like aren't they getting a lot of sun and wind and I don't know there's I don't know I can't even

I'm definitely going to watch this and that's as close as I'm going to get to rowing across the ocean Oh yeah, you got to watch it. It is really, really good. It was just one of those gems that Netflix just bubbled up for some reason. And I saw it, I'm like, eh, I got an hour and a half. Let's watch it. And it turned out to be a gem of a find. We'll link to Losing Site of Shore.

It is on Netflix, so you can just search for it there, and we'll link to it in the show notes. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Remember to let me know if you're interested in the prison birthday by emailing prison. at Jordan Harbinger.com. Quick shout out to Becky, Robin, and all the women's college volleyball players

who listen to the show. Apparently, some of our episodes are big among college volleyball players, which is great. I'm fine with that. Go back and check out Stephen Hassan, part one and two, that's special we did on cults this week.

If you haven't checked that out yet, it's so interesting. And if you want to know how he managed to book all these great people, manage loads of relationships, using systems and tiny habits that take a few minutes a day, check out six-minute networking.

It's free. It's at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. It replaces any other course that you might be in for me. And of course, you cannot make up for lost time when it comes to relationships and networking. Procrastination leads to stagnation when it comes to this. And I see this mistake a lot. Once you need relationships, you're too late. The drills take a couple minutes a day.

Ignore it at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show and videos of our Instagram. interviews are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. Jason? I'm over on Twitter at J.P.Deaf.

You can find me on Instagram at JPD, and you can also check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks, wherever fine podcasts are sold. The show is produced in association with Podcast One, and this episode was co-produced by Jen Harbinger. Show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com.

Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own. And yes, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before you implement anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipe. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you live what you listen. And we'll see you next time.

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