The Jordan Harbinger Show - 251: Help! I Have Two Years Left to Live. | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: September 13, 2019

Major life changes can be a mixed bag. On one hand, you're over the moon for landing your dream job. On the other hand, being diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer and told by your doctor that you've got two years to live (at best) puts a bit of a damper on the celebration. You're determined to remain positive -- after all, you wouldn't be the first to beat fatalistic odds if this thing were somehow turned around, so there's no harm in being hopeful. You wouldn't say you're lost, but you do want to ensure that you make the most of whatever time you have left -- however long that may be. We can only imagine what you're going through, but on this Feedback Friday we'll do our best to offer how we might spend our time if confronted with the worst news possible -- but armed with your incredibly deep well of positivity. And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/251. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Interested in doing some prison time with Jordan next February? Reach out to [e-mail] for details! How do you make the most of the time you have left with positivity when doctors have given you two years to live? People have preferences about looks, personalities, and religious backgrounds for their significant others. Is wishing they hadn't slept with 100 people before you a valid preference? What does it take for a successful and single 51-year-old woman who travels frequently to find someone with whom to build a family when the dating pool of quality candidates seems so microscopic? While a policy to never pursue romance with a professional connection has served you well in the past, you've met someone who makes you want to reconsider this policy. How might you make your interest known while remaining professional? You'd like to improve the relationship with your parents and the way you communicate. What can you do to make things better? If you wanted to start a new business online without using the topics of your current or past expertise, how would you pick a niche and establish your credibility? (Thanks to Brian Clark from Copyblogger for fielding this one!) While you'll be laid off soon, you're not worried because you have a generous severance and plenty of leads already. How do you network without people assuming you're just trying to get a job through their connections? Aside from buying decent mics and recording in a space that's not echoey as hell, what advice do we have for someone just starting out with podcasting? (One: See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer, Jason DeFilippo. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills

of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life. This week on the show, we had Kobe Bryant,

Black Mamba, talking about, of all things, creativity and skills that he's learned on the basketball court that he's now applying to business and the business of creativity.

He had some pretty surprising takeaways in there and he had some pretty surprising statements. One of which, spoiler alert, he said he loves Taylor Swift. So that was kind of funny. Yeah. Was not expecting that. Yeah, there was a point in that episode

at which he told me earlier that he listened to actors and looked at Hollywood people to kind of get their alter ego mindset for use in business or on the court. And I was like, oh, who are you learning from? Thinking he's going to be like, oh, you know, I channel my internet.

or Rambo or my inner Schwarzenegger Terminator or something like that. He's like, Hillary Swank. I'm like, huh? Yeah, he's like, I learned a lot from Hillary Swank. And I was like, okay, did not see that coming. I mean, I thought at the very least, he's, you know, Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction, you know, going and taking no shit from anybody. But no, Hillary Swank.

Wow. That's at a left field. Yeah, totally. There were a bunch of other names he dropped in there, too, which I thought was really funny. So that episode was great. done on location, really got along well with him. So make sure you go back and check out the Kobe Bryant episode, as well as our near-Iall episode.

He talked about focus and distraction. It's quite the differential in our episodes this week. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along our guest's wisdom and experiences and our wisdom and experiences and insights to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday.

You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. And I'm now in a groove where I can function on five hours of sleep for six days in a row and not want to die the entire time. It's great having a baby. And he's adorable, but it is a little hard to stay on the game. Oh, before I forget, I'm having my birthday in prison. Those of you who are on the newsletter have been hearing a little bit about this. But I'm going to prison in February, at the end of February, around the February 26 or so for my birthday to a maximum security prison. It should be amazing.

It should be life-changing. I'm inviting you to come with me. I've got several dozen spots that I can fill with that. I expect them to go fast once we start actually taking payment and stuff, but it's going to be around 1,200 plus travel, and the whole fee goes towards the program. I don't need it. I don't need your money.

I'm giving it to the prisoners for their educational program. And I'm taking the NBA there as well, not necessarily on the same trip, but there are some NBA players that want to come on the birthday trip. So that should be pretty cool, too. If you're interested in coming with us, email prison at jordanharbinger.com. That's prison at Jordan Harbinger.com.

And I'd love to meet you behind bars. All right, we've got some fun ones and some doozies, so let's dive in. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Question one. Hi, Jordan. I'm a 25-year-old, long-time fan of the show and have occasionally reached out in the past. Since we last connected, I went through two major life changes. I got my dream job and found out that I have an aggressive form of brain cancer.

I feel as great as I can ask for and have continued to work full-time. I'm so grateful to my team at work too, who have been completely supportive. But the long-term prognosis for my condition is discouraging, to put it mildly. I'll be lucky if I make it two years. My current approach has been to stay positive and optimistic. Who knows what innovations might come and prolong my life? And live life to the fullest by still going for it with my dream job and traveling. I wouldn't say I'm lost, but I do want to make sure that I make the most of whatever time I have left, however long that may be.

I'm sure you're super busy with your newborn. Congratulations, by the way. But wonder if you might have a moment to share what you might do or any insights you may have if you were confronted with something like this. Huge thanks in advance for any wisdom you may share. Signed, Lemonade from Lemons. This is a little rough. I spoke with her on the phone the other day at length, actually,

and we gamed out quite a nice strategy here. But the gist of it is this. Plan this out instead of being reactive. You're already reacting to something horrible. So what you need to do is get a reasonable treatment timeline from your doctor and then make a huge list of things you'd like to do. Going to travel, going to meet people, going to do certain activities, learning certain things. Order it by priority. And this has to be your priority.

Not what other people want. Not what other people want for you. Not what they think you can do. Don't live by other people's values. That's what you have to be careful of here. And don't be afraid to leverage this a little bit. Call the hotels in advance. Let them know this might be your last hurrah.

You want to make the most of it. Don't be afraid to reach out to people that you really want to get in touch with and say, like, look, I don't want to be so forceful, but I've got a little bit of a situation here. You know, I'll tell you this. I would have an amazing guest roster for this show if I were in your shoes because I'd call everyone and be like, I might die. Please let me interview you. And I would follow up mercilessly.

And if they're like, hey, you're annoying. I'd be like, I'm dying, damn it. You know? So, and again, if I see me. like I'm making light of this. I did talk to lemonade from lemons at length the other day. So we're cool, we're friends now. But yeah, I would leverage the crap out of this. And I know that might sound a little weird, but like you don't have the luxury of trying to be polite about everything. You know, being polite will get you a certain place, but the squeaky wheel gets the

grease. And that's what my parents always said, and there's a way to do this politely and persistently. And also get friends and family involved and see who will come on trips with you to places that are on their list as well. So what I would do is think, all right, maybe I'll spend two weeks going to Disney and I'll see and do everything in the whole park. So I'm renting a house near Disney. Now I'm asking all my friends, which dates work for them, get the general consensus, rent the house for two weeks, have people pop in for two days or two weeks.

It doesn't really matter because being around your friends and family, that's going to make the biggest difference for you. That's going to be the memories you really remember. Keep your job. If that's what you love and you think will make the big. difference for your quality of life as well, see if you can work part-time from home, if your treatment starts getting you down a little. Staying connected to your purpose or things that you find valuable or purposeful is just as important as staying connected to family and friends. And I would say

plan some trips, even local trips, invite loads of friends, get them to confirm, get them to commit, maybe start a Facebook group or something where everyone can communicate and plan. Maybe not a Facebook group. Do a text group. If people say, oh, this is too much work, be like, oh yeah, too much work for you, huh? Use that guilt trip. Take everyone on it with you. You're not going to be annoying. Everyone loves you. They want to be around you. You just have to make sure that you get the logistics in order. I know this sounds kind of weird to say, but this is going to be one of the most memorable times of your life. I think everybody will want to hang out and spend time with you. Scott Galloway wrote about this in his book, The Algebra of Happiness, about when his mother was dying. Also,

I believe, of cancer, a lot of people came to visit, and he stayed with her, and it was just the most amazing time and he really remembers it well. You're going to remember people much more than you remember places. Science proves this out as well. It's all about experiences and people that are there with you when you have them. So if you're choosing between going to Greece alone or hanging out and playing Uno in a yurt full of mosquitoes and 10 of your closest friends, choose the yurt every time. Much love from everyone here on the team as you recover. And please keep in touch. And I know that you will because we're talking about a whole lot of stuff. And it's my honor to help you. I'm so glad that you wrote in here. And I'm so glad to know you because you're an amazing person. Jason, I got to tell you,

this young lady, she is just amazing. She's so cheery. She's so positive, so smart. And it's not like the kind of positive where she's like, I'm going to ignore this. She's just like, look, this is happening. How do I make the most of it? And she's just not in BS mode. She's just in get it done. And she works for somebody who's amazing. She has a job that she loves and she's like, yeah, I'm just going to keep the job. I just find that commendable in so many ways. It is so amazing. So amazing. I'm glad we got to connect with her. Yeah, she's a great person. I wish I could talk more about it, but the person she works for is so well known that it might give her away. That's how much ass she's kicking. She's on such an upswing. I love it. But also, of course, you know, it sucks to have to plan for something like this. But, well, candidly, if anybody can make it through this with a positive attitude and a can-do attitude, it's going to be her. All right, next up. Question two. Hello, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. The girl I'm dating is in her early 30s, and she has just revealed to me that she slept with over 100 men. This is an overwhelming number for me. She has been tested for STDs and is safe. She's an amazing person. We get along

wonderfully, and I know this doesn't mean she's disloyal, and I don't disrespect her for it. If she wants to have lots of fun, then great, more power to her. I think I just prefer someone who chooses to connect sexual actions more to love with a specific person than to wild fun. Maybe because this is the way I've always been in my past. People have preferences about looks, about personalities, even religious backgrounds. Is this a valid preference? It seems a lot of people say the sexual past should be ignored, but I always feel like these things make up a person too.

And their choices reflect their personality towards sex and love as a compatible partner in the present and the future. Otherwise, everything is great with us and I really like her. Not sure what to do. Thanks again for all the great work. Deal breaker or happiness maker? Well, okay. I feel you here a little bit.

I agree, first and foremost, that you are projecting a bit of your values and preferences and probably your insecurities onto her. This is normal. Don't beat yourself up about it. But it's good that you're aware of it, frankly. I think a lot of guys just go, ah, I'm mad at my girlfriend because I'm feeling insecure, so I'm going to treat her like a whore now or, you know, view her negatively. It's not fair.

As your comment about preferences for looks and things like that, preference for looks makes sense. That's a big factor in biological attraction. That makes sense, okay, that's nature. Personality preference makes sense because you're dealing with this person every single day and you have to get along. Religious background makes up a set of core values

and rituals that you usually use to guide your entire life. These are not small things. I would take sexual partner number out of that category. The number of sexual partner someone has had is not something that affects you each day unless of course you're going to let it nag at you forever, nor does it really illustrate how someone continues to live their life after or committing to somebody. Just as somebody who used to be a construction worker doesn't affect your life now that they've decided to become an accountant.

It doesn't mean they're going to be sneaking out of work and going and doing some stone masonry without telling you, if you catch my drift. Just because she used to love going out and having fun and viewed sex totally differently doesn't mean she's more likely to cheat on you or anything like that, if that's what you're worried about. But I have a feeling this is more of a subconscious worry and insecurity rather than you being like, oh, no, she likes sex and she's going to go have a bunch more of it because she already had so much earlier. It doesn't mean anything like that.

I will admit the sheer number here does illustrate some personal values that you guys should hash out. For example, she doesn't necessarily have the same emotions and feelings around sexual contact as you do. She might now she might not have in the past. This is not a problem if it's not a problem. But once you have kids, this type of value could be something that you later disagree on. I think you should talk about it. You might want to raise your kids with different thinking, and you'll have to get her buy-in on this.

And she might think you're a prude little wuss bag, dude. So, you know, maybe feel her opinion out on this. It's not just about you. I feel you, though. Look, I get it. I get it from a visceral level. I wouldn't want to think that about a woman that I was serious with either. But in the end, I can't tell you what will matter and what won't.

What I can say is that strong connections with people don't happen every day, and it seems unfair to hold someone's past against them, especially when that past isn't necessarily negative outside the limited scope of your own personal values that might not be the same as hers. In addition to this, I will note that I think a lot of us guys, myself included, might be a little intimidated by a partner that's had so much sexual contact with others. So you need to make sure that however you make your decision and whatever you do, you are making a decision based as much as possible on what you think affects your present life and your

future life with this woman and not simply basing the decision on your own insecurity. Because that would be a shame and a waste. In other words, if her having had so many partners freaks you out, this might actually just be your problem and you should talk to somebody about it instead of throwing away an otherwise great relationship because you're worried what other people might think or because you can't shake the image of your wife's past or you're replaying of nasty imagination made porn movie that never happened in your own brain and you're replaying it over and over. I can tell you from personal experience, all that past sexual partner stuff really stops mattering a few months, maybe a year into a relationship. You just stop

caring because you realize someone's past actions aren't the majority of what makes up their current personality and who they are and your experience of them with you in a relationship is like 99.9% of what you know of them. And then there's this weird detail that used to bug you. That's really going to be it. So if I were in your shoes, I do my best to let it go, move forward with a clean slate, maybe get a couple's therapist if you think it's a problem. You both need to hash out. And like I said, this could just be your problem and not hers, man. Besides, she's probably awesome in bed. How do you think she got that way? Never mind. Don't think about that. Where's my rim shot sound effect? This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

All right. Next up. Question three. Hi, Triple J team. On a previous feedback Friday, you featured someone who was still looking to make their mark after 50. I have the opposite problem. I've got a good career that takes me all over the planet where I get to help people in need while defending our national interests. It's very rewarding and interesting. Unlike last week's letter writer, I'm making my mark on the world, but there is no one to come home to that makes it all worthwhile.

I'm a 51-year-old woman who's in good shape, considered pretty, and look younger than my years. I've only dated a handful of time since divorcing seven years ago. It's not that I don't want to. My problem is threefold. First, women come with an expiration date. Look at any online dating site, and you'll see the vast majority of men are only looking to date women their age or younger. This blatant ageism tells me all I need to know about their shallow nature, and I immediately eliminate them from the realm of dating possibilities.

I decided I hate online dating and realized for me that I must meet someone in real life. Secondly, I've moved around a lot due to military work and travel quite a bit in my civilian job. This makes it even more difficult to meet someone, and when I have met someone, the geography is always too much to overcome. And lastly, I have to feel a strong attraction to someone before I'll consider them a prospect. I'm willing to give it a little time and see if something develops, but at this age, I usually know right away. I need the spark and learn through experience to not settle. This has shrunk my dating pool to the size of a microscopic droplet. I was raised to be independent.

Guess what happened? I'm financially stable, own a newly remodeled home, have two advanced degrees, am a former pro athlete, am well-traveled. Can you feel my dating pool going subatomic? And have no family or significant other to call my own. I didn't want kids when I was younger. I was afraid I could never afford them

since my ex didn't exactly bring home any bacon, and I wasn't ready. Now that I'm older, I longed for a family of my own. My friends are scattered across the planet, and I have no local tribe to call my own. Everyone I've met is busy with their own lives and making friends doesn't get any easier with age. I've looked into fostering and adopting, but can't see how I can make that happen as a single person who travels frequently for work and has no real support system.

It's like being punished for being a responsible adult. I feel rudderless and completely unfulfilled personally, which now makes work a lot less fulfilling too. I get tired of hearing the same old tropes about you must be happy while single before you can find love. What nonsense. That's highly discriminatory. against single people, it implies that longing for a significant other is some sort of personal failure.

We're humans and wired to connect. For me, I've realized what life feels like without purpose or meaning, without family, or the prospects for one. I've gone to therapy, but it can't solve the underlying problem. Humans need to connect. I keep trying, but I'm running out of steam. I feel like I've tried everything, and I'm at my wits end, and life barely feels worth living at times. I'm getting ready to come home from a deployment, and with nothing and no one to come home to, to, I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Any advice would be helpful. Signed, disconnected in Djibouti.

So I understand where you're coming from here. You sound really discouraged. It sounds like it might be bringing some negativity into your life. And I'm not one of those like, think positive all the time. I understand getting down on the whole situation and being like, oh, this blatant ageism, the apps. I understand that. I would also be annoyed at people who tell you platitudes.

I can certainly get behind. There's somebody out there special for everyone? No, there's not. No. And if there is, maybe they live in Akron, Ohio, and you live in Djibouti, which by the way is in Africa, for a lot of people who think we just made up that country. Being in a role where you constantly travel,

especially to places like Djibouti, where there's basically like goats and a special forces base, that's gonna be tough. You need to put down roots, you need to develop a social circle. There's no real way I can think of where somebody who's on the road all the time can simply grow roots, overnight and continue picking up and moving around all over the place and maintaining those

relationships in the same way you would if you were there in person. This is a choice you likely have to make. Can you take a year or three in your career and move around less? Might be an office job, might be less exciting, might put you on a slower career path. But if not, this problem is likely to pop up again and again. And if you're able to stay put for a while, start developing a social circle. The standard advice for this would be to make a list of skills you want to learn, like Italian cooking, jujitsu, rock climbing.

Honestly, you can probably do a lot of jujitsu and Italian cooking in Djibouti because if memory serves, that area was an Italian colony and there's a lot of special forces guys there that probably do a lot of jiu-jitsu and rock climbing. So those three random examples are probably pretty good. Hopefully you're into some of that. If not, it doesn't matter. Pick some activities you want to learn and go. Find local classes and clubs for these and make sure you actually go.

If you meet people, great. If not, you've learned a skill you can put to use and you'll likely enjoy rent and repeat. I'm not going to go too much more into that because we do discuss this in six minute networking in a little bit more detail. That's at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course and it's free, so don't worry about that. And that said, no tricks, no tactics are going to work if you then have to pack up in three months and then leave the continent for half a year or more. I hate choices like this, but almost everyone has to make them at some point. And at 51, just real talk, you're quickly coming outside the window for even adoption and fostering.

depending on the law where you are, or if you're adopting closed adoption from a foreign country, I wonder what other people who are deployed do about this kind of thing. It seems like you could potentially adopt from a foreign country, which would make things a lot easier. And these are usually a lot less tricky and have fewer requirements such as age and family life situation. So if you're gonna do that, move on it.

You might just have to make some lifestyle choices that involve your career in a negative way. And I'm sorry, I hope there's another way, but I just don't understand. what that way might be. And it's not just because you're female and you're 51. There are a lot of guys who are 29 that write me letters like this too. I live in a base and such and such and I can't meet anyone.

It's the same problem. Yes, you have a different problem because you want children. These guys aren't necessarily worried about that. But the core problem, the fundamental problem, is very much the same. This is just a matter of somebody who moves around a lot and needs to put down roots somewhere. When you finally do, you'll be able to maintain relationships using the stuff six-minute networking, but creating relationships only online, it's really tough to make real friendships that way.

And it's also a little dangerous. And if you don't believe me, watch a couple episodes of 90-day fiancé or catfish. And you'll see what you might be in for if you try to exist socially, exclusively online. All right, Jason, what else we got? Question four. Hi there, Jay family. First off, congrats to you and Jen on the new baby. You're giving me major baby fever.

I've been a journalist for over 10 years and interview celebrities like athletes and musicians. I listen to your segment on name dropping, so I'll spare you. As an attractive woman, many of these guys hit on me. I've always been very professional and never crossed the line romantically with any of my subjects. That is until I met this guy. Let's call him Joe. I interviewed Joe last year and we hit it off like gangbusters. He's not a celebrity, but is well respected in his field.

We share many mutual friends, both real friends and work contacts. I'm very attracted to him. How do I show him I'm interested while maintaining my respect? Sure, a lot of people meet their significant others at work, but as a woman in my field, it's hard to balance being sexy and inviting without looking like a total groupie. I also want Joe to know that my interest in him is both professional and personal. Signed, how do I shoot my shot with him? Ooh, could get tricky.

First, make sure any professional dealings you have with him are coming to a close. I remember when a journalist wanted to write about me. I won't say for what, because you can Google the publication and find her, but it's well before I met Jen, relax, years before, and she was writing about me, writing about me, writing about me, and I was like, I feel like this girl is really vibing on me. That's what we said back in my early 30s, vibed, and sounded cool at the time. Anyway, she published a story, and I was like, this turned out great, and she goes, I'm done writing about you, and I was like, okay, and she's like, no, I'm done writing about you forever. And I was like, okay, why do you keep hammering that in? Like, let me enjoy this. Don't make me feel less interesting.

She's like, no, I'm done writing about you. So what are you doing tonight? And I was like, it's 10 p.m. on a Friday. Oh, got it. Got it. All right. Jordan in his early 30s was a little slow on the uptake. A lot slow on the uptake.

Yeah. So you've interviewed him. Now if the interview is published or will be soon, great, you're good to go. If you've got some ongoing professional relationship, tread very lightly. I would say don't do anything because it's not worth your career. Let's assume you're wrapping up any professional connection. Now what I would do is the following. One, make sure he's single.

Simple social media stalking should take care of this, maybe find a couple mutual friends and throw that out there. I can sort of drop this and say that I think you're interested in him, but I'm not sure. And then when he reciprocates, I can sort of middleman this. And that might sound a little immature, but if you're just not sure if it's cool professionally, it does make sense to still do this.

because normally I'm all, go direct, do it, but if you're worried that he's gonna go, oh, this is so unprofessional, I just sat with you for an interview, I feel so uncomfortable now, it's not worth that risk. So if you're in this situation and you don't have mutual friends, the letter writer says she does,

but I'm gonna just say for people out there who are like, I don't have any mutual friends, then in that case what I would do is shoot him an email or a text, tell him you're getting great feedback on the piece, you found it really interesting. Is there any other feedback that he would have liked on the article

or any feedback on the interview process. This opens a little window for him to say something to you that might not be strictly on the record. You know, I might say, no, it's just fun getting to know you, that kind of thing. You know, you're opening that window. But you've got mutual friends, go the mutual friends route. And then anytime you're talking with him after that,

once a year ago, turn the conversation personal. You can always ask or discuss something that he's interested in. You can find what those might be on social media as well. So you can literally say, hey, I was Facebook stalking you and noticed you cross-country ski. that looks like a lot of fun. Do you do that all the time? That's the window to personal conversation.

If he replies, yeah, whenever I can, nice meeting you, bye, then you know he's not interested. But if he says, yeah, it's a lot of fun. I try to go as often as possible. Would you want to learn how to do that? Now you're on a role. And it's funny because this really seems like some basic social stuff, but adults who have professional concerns,

we got to be so careful about this right now. And bear in mind, if you are a woman and you're going after a guy that you're interested, he's not just going to be like, this is great. He's going to go, is this a trap? Is this something that I'm misreading and that I'm going to get in trouble for because we're in a different era right now with the Me Too stuff? I personally think that Me Too has done more good than harm for a lot of us, but I think most guys, myself included, we have to be so careful now, not to do or say anything that looks like it might actually have been improper even when taken

out of context entirely. So he might be being really careful about this. So if he seems cold, doesn't necessarily mean that he's uninterested. It means he doesn't want to get sued or fired or chastised or embarrassed in front of all of his friends and family on social media. So unfortunately, Me Too has been really bad for dating, but that's kind of the point is it's not supposed to be good for that. It's supposed to be good for people to further their careers

and not get groped by weirdos. So you've got to do that dance. And if he doesn't take the bait here, he's either dense or he's not interested. And most likely he's going to take the conversation personal. He's going to continue it, eventually ask you out or ask you to do something socially. You've just got to make an opening.

Drop the hanky a little, as they called it back in the day. He may at first think you're just being friendly, but professional. So if the first attempt at this doesn't work, you can try again to take things personal by asking him out if that's something you're comfortable with. Because I don't think anybody's going to go, gee, what does she mean when she says,

let's go out for a drink on Friday? I'm getting mixed messages. I mean, you might not want to throw it out there that hard, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes. Just make sure your professional business is done and sealed before then. All right, Jason, what else we got? We got question five. Hi, Jordan. I'd like to improve the relationship with my parents and the way we communicate. They're in their late 50s. I just turned 25, so there's always been a big generation gap between us. I moved out when I was 19, and I spent

less and less time at home as I get older. I've never been happy with the relationship with my parents. I feel like I have no idea who they are, and I've never been able to connect with any of them. Our conversations have almost always been superficial and strictly informative. What can I do to make it better? Signed, mind the generation gap. Ah, the generation gap. What I would do in this situation is call it out during a visit or a phone call. There's not a whole lot you can do here to beat around the bush. They've known you for your whole life, so you're going to have to be pretty blunt about it. call it out during a visit, during a phone call, see if they're open to improving this.

You know, go home, visit, line up a therapist beforehand if you've talked about this. I wouldn't ambush them with it. You know, you could say, hey, you know, we don't have a super close relationship, and I moved out early, and I feel like we could be closer. What do you think? And they might go, yeah, you know, sure, what do you think?

And you go, maybe we should have somebody help us talk about stuff. I don't have any big issues, but I'd like to improve that. Would you be open to me getting like a counselor when we go back and just go to, like, one session as a family and open up some dialogue and they might be like, sure, whatever you want, or they might be like, no, it's stupid, we don't care, our relationship's fine. And then you have their answer on this. If they're not open to it, they're not open to it. But I have a feeling they

will be. Be aware that old habits die hard. They might have trouble doing this. It might not even be that they're unwilling. It just might be that they don't know how. It's been, they're in the late 50s, teaching an old dog new tricks after your 25 years in the house as their kid. That's a whole can of worms. So I think the indicator here is going to be what's their relationship to each other? If they seem close and you're distant, yeah, it could be the age thing. But if they're all kind of distant with one another, that's probably the personality type that your parents have. And if you're feeling like you're not close enough to them, it's not impossible. It just might take you a few years of rapport building with each of them individually before you can really create a really strong,

close family unit. And they might never get closer to one another. But you can certainly lead the charge on this. And I would say it's worth doing. You know, if you feel like you want to be closer to your parents, you're not going to get another set of parents. And if you think, oh, well, it's late in the game and they don't really care, this is a skill worth building even for you to have with your own kids. Because even if they're not receptive, knowing how to build a close relationship between parent and child is going to serve you when you finally decide to have your own kids, unless you want this same kind of relationship, and it sure sounds like you don't. So I would go and get this skill set regardless of whether or not mom and dad.

are on board, buddy. We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this. Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. Next, we've got a business-related question, so I got my friend Brian Clark from Copyblogger to help us answer it. He is an expert in setting up businesses, both online and off. and he's just been very successful. So Jason, let's read the question,

and we'll get Brian Clark on the horn to help us out. Question six. Hi, all. If you wanted to start a new business online without using the topics of your current or past expertise, how would you pick a niche and establish your credibility? Thanks, signed, thought experiment. For me, I dread, Brian, the idea

that I might have to pick another niche. I like doing what I'm doing. The fact that I interview people in all different stripes is because I don't want to pick one sort of vertical. What about you? Yeah, it is a difficult proposition that I don't think people appreciate. They figure if you have an audience and whatever you decide to do, that audience is going to go with you.

But I watched Seth Godin try to change from marketing to motivation, and it didn't work, and he went back. I watched Chris Brogan try to go from the social media guy to health and wellness, and it didn't work, so he had to go back. But of course, I'm stupidly doing that with my project further. But I just come at it, beginner's mind. I've got 20 years of experience that I'm going to use to make this work as opposed to kind of writing the coat tails of what I've done before. And I'm just trying to have fun with it and thinking about it in terms of, okay, I've got a skill set.

So you're going to have to put it to work, especially since these people don't really know who you are. When you mentioned Seth Godin, Chris Brogan, reinventing yourself or pivoting is very tough. And I know the conventional wisdom is, screw it, go all in on your pivot, and that way you can test it and see if it works. My pivot was slow and over the course of a decade. You know, I used to teach like dating.

And before that, it was, go out to the bar and pick up chicks because I'm 26 years old and that's what I was into. Right now I'm 39, and we're talking about science and psychology. It was a slow pivot. And it worked because it was. a slow pivot. Now that's what happens with personal brands. I think it's easy enough to do that. Maybe it's easier to go all in and decide I'm not going to be the dating person anymore.

I'm not going to be the marketing person anymore. I'm going to be motivational or I'm going to be health and wellness. But that didn't work for those two, very smart, very talented people with a lot of resources. So I'm not going to say that pivots have to be slow, but I certainly see that they can be fast and fail very, very quickly. They could have just picked the wrong thing, but Chris Brogan and Seth Godin are pretty sharp cats. So it seems like something else might have gone wrong there. Well, I think you hit it on the head when you said they tried to do a sharp pivot. And I started two of my new projects beyond copy blogger further and unemployable four years ago as just fun side projects. And now they're ready to become businesses because I didn't

rush right into it. I didn't say this is the new Brian. I slowly introduced where I was, is going over time. And so some people have followed with me. But again, you can't always count on that. But you got to bring people along slowly and you just also have to be open to the idea that you're just going to do the hard work to earn a new audience, to earn their trust and attention and go from there. I take nothing for granted. And I think that keeps me humble. And therefore, I've had some success moving in a new direction. What if maybe she wants advice on picking a niche and she threw in, you can use none of your past expertise because she doesn't want us to go, well, I know a lot about this, so I'm going to pick that niche. Maybe she's just trying to get us to avoid an answer like that.

So what would you say for people who want to start a business but have no idea what niche they want to be in at all, what advice would we give her in that scenario? Because for me, I would say, well, what do you know a lot about and what are you able to get paid for? You know, because that is also not a bad way to pick a niche. Yeah, no, it's key. So first of all, you don't go for an area that no one's doing or there's no competition. You want to go for big, big areas where people spend money like health and wellness or anything related to money like work, career, entrepreneurism, any of that, personal growth.

Those are huge areas where people spend money that allow you. to carve out your little spot in that. Okay, so that's rule number one, which you pointed out. Number two, for me, it's got to be, at least at this time of life and career for me, it's got to be purpose driven. And really, 10 businesses over 20 years, they've always had a sense of purpose now more than maybe early days. But it's just like a personal alignment that keeps you going when stuff gets hard, because it is hard.

I don't want to call it passion necessarily, but the sense that you're serving an audience or a group of customers as almost a mission is a good indicator when you pair that with an arena where people are apt to spend money. So I'm a big proponent of when you're starting out choosing specifically the type of person you want to talk to, choosing your audience. And I don't think people think that way. They're like, oh, I just hope someone shows up. No, that's terrible. What if you don't like those people? What if you have to be inauthentic and someone you're not to please those people? That's a horrible way to live your life and certainly to run a business.

So what's amazing to me that you can get started and literally target exactly who you want with a low amount of, say, Facebook ads or something like that and get started with a very small audience kind of cut your teeth before going all in. But make sure these are people that you feel comfortable serving because that's what entrepreneurs are. I mean, we're servants to, in the general sense of market, but in the specific sense, the very specific group of people that you're talking to week in and week out. Yeah. So I assume that if I'm interested in it, then there's probably like 80% of my audience is going to be somewhat interested, maybe not 90%, and that's good enough for me.

But what I don't want to do is be like, all right, I'm really interested in mobile recording gear because I do a podcast. Well, that's a little bit too niche. Most of my audience won't care. My gut says that would be a fun conversation for me to have, but not really good for the majority of the audience.

I can't see 80% of my audience being interested. I can see like 1% of my audience being interested in that, and I don't want to do that. So I don't worry about what the audience is interested in. I see a lot of content creators, as much as I hate that term, it's pretty apt right now. And they start a podcast and they go, oh, you know, I got to put it on YouTube. I agree. That's a good place for a podcast for any content.

They start going on YouTube and they go, man, I've been doing my podcast for a year and I have 10,000 listeners. But when I go on YouTube, I can spend money and I get better analytics and I've got 8,000 views of video. And next month, I've got 18,000 views. So they start optimizing for YouTube. And I know plenty of shows and I won't mention them because, I still like the people that produce them. I remember there are some popular shows out there

where early episodes they're talking with brilliant inventors, brilliant entrepreneurs, scientists, and the show is really high level and highbrow, and the audience is really smart. And then they start optimizing for YouTube, and they optimize for this big audience instead of an educated and affluent audience. And now they're interviewing people

that are pretty much just people who are going to get a lot of views on YouTube. literal cult leaders, 17 episodes on meditation with random gurus. I mean, the show has just completely lost me. I don't listen or watch it all anymore, but the audience is much bigger.

And that's a problem, because you have to be careful who you optimize for. And I optimize for myself with a primary focus on what I think the audience whose most like me would like. You and I are both former lawyers.

I'm an advocate for the audience. They are my client. I have a fiduciary duty to them. So I look for the segment of audience that I think is probably most like me, where they are in their life or above or older or more experience, educated, that kind of thing. I don't go, oh man, there's probably a lot of 19-year-olds

that want to learn how to make money online. When creators start doing that to appeal to the trend of entrepreneurs or the masses, that's when I see these really cool niche businesses that we're doing really well, start turning into literally every other Instagram TV channel that you've ever seen that you never watch. One way or another, if you're going to stay true to who you are while also serving that audience, I love fiduciary duty. That's geeky lawyer speak, but it's true. And I've always ended up

focusing on the things I have in common with the audience, even though, you know, both you and I in a certain sense, If you're leading an audience, you're a step ahead of them in certain areas because that's what you do. And yet it's the commonality. So same exact thing for me. If I think it's fascinating, interesting, or useful, most of my audience is going to like it. And those who don't, that's okay. They can leave. You know?

I mean, that sounds mercenary. But no, it's you cannot please everyone in the minute you try, which I think was the point you were making. you've either sold out or you've just created something vapid. And who wants to do that? I agree. I don't think most people will leave, though, to go back to Jen's conundrum here, most people won't leave. Look, if I do 20 episodes on escaping from North Korea,

some people will leave. If I do one, a lot of people will go, eh, I didn't love that, but I'll go on to the next thing. But mostly what's been happening is people go, you know, I didn't think I was going to be interested in that North Korea guy, but I listen because I like all your stuff. And, oh, my gosh, that was an incredible story. they don't want to hear 15 more versions of it, but they like it.

And so at some point, your audience trusts you enough to consume what you're producing. And that is the highest compliment. Ramit Saiti said this a while ago, and it applies here really well. The market will constantly try to pull you into becoming vanilla, and the second you do, you will be punished into basically bankruptcy. So the market will tell you, we want more of this, we want you to be more of that. And the second you start doing that, all of your actual fans, the people who are willing to pay for your stuff, they just bounce because you've commoditized yourself.

So bear all of these things in mind when you're picking a niche and, of course, establishing credibility in that niche. It's easier to go narrow. What's it saying? The riches are in the niches. Yeah, absolutely. And of course you have to understand your audience and pay attention to the feedback they're giving you, but your primary job is to give them things they didn't know they want it. Just like Steve Jobs said, consumers don't know what they want. It's your job. to figure it out. That's our job. Jason, what's next in the hopper? Question seven.

Hi, Jayquod. Congrats and welcome to Parenthood. It's a great adventure. I've been a listener since the old podcast and started on six-minute networking. I'm now successfully reconnecting with old friends and colleagues. However, my company is shutting down my location and I'll get laid off. I'm not worried. Good severance package and plentiful jobs in my field right now.

But when people ask what I'm up to, it's hard to avoid mentioning the shutdown and layoffs. It's a known event, and much of what I'm doing is currently related to transition processes. So it's hard to avoid mentioning it. So some of the responses I get are like, hey, good to hear from you. Check our job postings at our website. Bye. I'm really trying to rebuild relationships for the long haul. How can I share, but not be asking people to find me a job?

If they respond like that, do I just thank them? Move on and try again later. Am I overthinking all of this? Thanks. Signed in transition. These types of answers, this check for the jobs on the website, bye, that's the result of not digging the well before you get thirsty. I'm not trying to be a jerk about it. It sounds like you're on it now, but most people will blow you off if they feel like you're asking for something.

And the reason they'll feel like you're asking for something is they haven't heard from you before. So this is the difference between somebody who knows likes and trusts you and the responses you're getting now. So I know that if I had to reach out to somebody for something, they'd be like, hey, Jordan, what's up, man? what can I do for you? Because I've probably talked to them within three or six months. And it sounds like you haven't spoken to them in a long time. So they're giving you the, what do you want? Oh, you're looking for a job. Yeah, there's jobs on the website. See you later. That's why. They're not willing to vouch for you, recommend you. You can call this out. So when people ask like, hey, what's up? What's new with you? Or you're giving your update.

You could say, my company shut down, but that's actually not why I'm texting you. If you did have a job lead, I wouldn't turn it down, but that's not actually why it reached out. So get rid of that suspicion and handle their assumption. And if that is kind of why you're reaching out, you kind of have to bury that a little bit until they know like and trust you. Because if you have an agenda, they're going to smell it and it's going to come across very poorly.

They're going to think you're using them and they're going to vanish. It's going to be worse than not reaching out. Use the scripts from six-minute networking, especially the scripts from the Connect 4 drill, which is one of the first ones that we send you. Also, be sure to use the layoff lifelines exercise, and do that one soon, if you haven't already. That drill is really apropos for you right now, really timely.

What this is is, it's described in detail in six-minute networking, which is at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course, but in brief, what this is, you think of all these relationships like your old boss, the college professor that you had that you lost touch with you really liked. Your advisor, your friend's dad, who owned that one company that you haven't talked to since college or high school, make that list and reach out to people before you need something and just get back in touch. and I include the script that you need in six-minute networking.

When you reach out to these people before you need or want anything, then it's really easy to get back in touch. They'll be thrilled to hear from you. And then later on, if you do need something, you re-engage these weak and dormant ties and rest strengthen them. And it's very simple. It'll take like half an hour at most, and that includes thinking of the people

and writing their name down and then shooting them a message. So it's really, really a good use of time. Again, that's in six-minute networking, and you can find that for free at Jordanharbinger.com course. Last but not least. Question eight, eight, eight. Hi, JJ and Jay. Congratulations on Baby J. Jay. I work in law enforcement in the UK speaking to small and medium businesses, critical national infrastructure organizations, and community groups about cybercrimes, scams, and how to protect their devices and data, et cetera. I want to explore the idea of podcasting as a means of informing

people about current trends and reporting and discussing mitigation in a more conversational way than I could, say, through social media and articles. My problem is that it's quite a dry subject that might struggle to gain traction. I note that grumpy old geeks doesn't suffer from this problem at all, but I'm not sure the bosses would appreciate me putting out something quite as, let's say, informal. It has to remain broadly professional, and it has to somehow draw an audience and keep people hooked. Aside from decent mics in a space that's not echoey as hell, what advice do you have for someone just starting out with podcasting? I'm already getting started with six-minute networking, but anything else you can recommend would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance, your friendly neighborhood Cyberman. Podcasting stuff, well, people ask us all the time about this. Jason, you're doing a course about this stuff, right? I am eyeballs deep in getting this course finalized and out the door, so it will be here very, very soon. Yeah, I may do a course on how to host a podcast from an interview perspective, if that's what you're doing as well, and lots of companies are using podcasting internally to communicate information. Primary tips though, keep them short. There are a lot of long podcasts that could be 20 minutes but are instead 90 minutes or 2 hours or 3 hours and that's a huge waste of

everyone's time. Keep them like 20 minutes to begin with because it's really hard to keep 20 minutes interesting when you are new. Also, no need for bells and whistles. Forget musical beds. Forget the voiceover introduction to the show, show, show, don't do any of that crap. Just start producing something. Make sure it's tightly edited. Release every other. week or so you don't have to do it weekly every other week is just enough so that it stays a hobby it doesn't become a chore and you can sort of slowly edit it slowly record it trash it if you need to re-record it all of that stuff and unless your company's paying you for this do not use company resources because a lot of employers this is true for the u.s probably true overseas as well

there are a lot of people that write in that go oh i started a successful podcast and i was doing it at my work office and it's really great and I sound proof for one of the conference rooms and now I'm leaving and guess what they're telling me they own the show what the hell yeah I'm like they probably do they probably do absolutely because they're paying for your your time they were paying you to create it they were you were an employee while you created it and you created it in the office not good you know not good so be very careful if it's even just in your industry and you're making it at home and you're employed by this company they still might own it or have a claim to it so just be really careful about this and maybe get something in writing that says you can create this,

or if you create it outside the company, make sure you use no company resources at all, and then make sure that you own all the accounts and you don't use your work email or anything. They could still claim they might own that intellectual property, but they're just not going to sue you for it. It's just not worth it at the end of the day. So if you turn it into a business, you can probably get a release when you leave. But you should definitely check with an attorney if you're starting something. You're planning on using any company resources or even just doing something that's in your professional industry.

You're sort of running a little bit of a dangerous game right there. Jason, anything else I'm missing? Yeah, the flip side of this is if they're going to pay for it, they're going to buy the mics, they're going to let you do this on their dime. And you're okay with not owning the IP, then maybe that can be part of your job and you get paid to learn how to podcast. So it's, yeah, I mean, it could be part of his day job, which would get him away from having to go on the road. as much and speak in person, unless he really likes that too. But this could be something as an upsell for the company, because they want a podcast. I know many places that actually do that. People have transitioned from one job into doing internal and external podcasts and have a

really nice job from it. And you still get paid to do it. And you're actually learning on the job. So in the future, if you do want to start your own podcast, take all of Jordan's advice, do it on your own time. But you can get paid to learn if the company is willing to float the bill. Perfect. Also, when you're starting out, I started a little social network over on Mighty Networks called The Club. It's at club. It's at club.podcast school.co. It's all free.

You can sign up, ask as many questions as you want. We've got a nice little community there. It's growing every day. And ask questions from other podcasters. And we are more than happy to help you out. And it's just an easy way if you know, okay, what mic should I get? What interface should I get? Do I need USB?

What is XLR? I don't understand that. Just come on in and ask your questions. We're more than happy to help you. learn. Life Pro Tip of the week. If you are traveling with someone else and you're both wearing backpacks, swap backpacks. This isn't always easy because, you know, if you're carrying 70 pounds worth of stuff and your five-foot-tall wife is carrying 40 pounds worth, it might not be nice. But if you got a day pack, you know, you just left the hotel, you both got your bags. You swap them around because

then when you need stuff from your bag, you've got both hands free. You know where your own stuff is. You can just have her stop and you can open up her bag and do the same. That way you don't stop, take your bag off, put it down on the ground or a chair, and then dig through the thing and then hope you don't get snatched, right? You can just sort of reach in there and grab it. So that's been useful for me when I traveled years ago, and I feel like that technology just hasn't changed much since then.

And this is one of those little tips where I'm like, oh yeah, I remember doing that a long time ago. Recommendation of the week, the Green Prince. I saw this on Amazon Prime Video. So this is a documentary, and this guy, she's the son of a founding member, of Hamas, which is the government in the Palestinian territory, West Bank and Gaza. And this son of this Hamas leader becomes disillusioned with their tactics because he goes to prison and all this

stuff for all this BS. And he becomes a spy for Israel. And this guy is in the documentary. It's not like reconstructed from somebody's memory. It's the guy is in the thing. He lives in San Diego now and he's recounting all the stories. And they found his handler from Israeli's internal secret service called the Sheen Bet, and he's talking about the whole thing. And it's just a look inside the highest level informant that Israel's probably ever had inside Hamas. And straight from the horse's mouth, so, so interesting to look at the spy game being played. It's called the Green Prince, and it's available on Amazon video, and we will link to it in the show notes. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show

notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. If you want to go to prison with me, email me, prison at Jordan Harbinger.com. It's going to be life-changing and super fun and interesting. If you email me and you're interested, that's great. It doesn't mean you're like signed up. So if you're thinking about it, but you're not sure if you can go, shoot me a note, prison at Jordan Harbinger.com, and let me know how likely it is for you to attend.

Big shout out to Reed, who took my calendar and organization tips and is now enjoying a hell of a lot more free time and conversations and enjoying that transition to becoming a father. So thank you very much, Reed, for listening to the show and for actually applying what you hear. I appreciate that. All right, everybody, go back, check out Kobe Bryant and Near IEL, if you haven't yet.

And if you want to know how we manage to book all these amazing folks and manage hundreds slash thousands of relationships using systems, I'm teaching you how to do this for free over at six-minute networking. That's Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Don't let your relationships stagnate. Don't wait until you need something. That's the number one mistake, not digging the well before you get thirsty. Once you need relationships, you're just way too late.

These drills take just a few minutes per day. Ignore it at your own peril. Again, free, not put in your credit card free, but free, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm also on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. That's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews, including Kobe Bryant. Those are up at Jordanharbinger.com slash YouTube.

Jason? You can check out my tech podcast, grumpy old geeks over at gog. Show or your podcast player of choice. And if you're a podcaster, check out the club. That's at club.podcastschool.co. This show is created an association with podcast one, and this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jace Sanderson, and show notes for the episode are by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own, and yes, I'm a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer.

So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got a lot more in the pipe, and I'm very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast? If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dishwashing and go, wait, what that actually happened? You've got to subscribe to What Was That Like? It's real people telling the most surreal moments of their lives, and they're not just giving you the highlights, they're walking.

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