The Jordan Harbinger Show - 263: How Can I Win Back My Spouse's Respect? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

You recently had a revelation that your spouse has zero respect for you. On a daily basis, you're reminded how to do basic tasks and criticized for every minor mistake you make. You've also noticed that they never value your advice, and if they have a question about something — no matter how confident your answer is — they'll always ask someone else afterward as if they don't value or believe your answer. You work hard, have a good job that supports your family on your income alone, you help out around the house probably more than most in your position, and you're going to school to further your education and job opportunities even more. The big question is: If they really do have zero respect for you, how can you win back your spouse's respect? We'll try to answer this and much more on the latest Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/263. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Interested in doing some prison time with Jordan next February? It's filling up fast; reach out to [e-mail] for details! From the way you're treated in public and private, you recently had a revelation that your spouse of several years has zero respect for you. Even if you can figure out why, can respect ever be regained after it's lost? If so, how? You're trying to get through college as an introvert, but your challenges are going as expected. Once people have an impression of you as an unfriendly person fixed in their minds, is it possible to change it? You're trying to move into another role at your current company; you had a great interview and thought it was a sure thing. But they chose someone else and you wonder what went wrong. What can you do to improve your chances next time? Your significant other isn't pulling their weight financially. How can you tactfully approach the matter without making them feel completely worthless, and what can you do to ensure they understand the concept of “adulting?” You're from a developing nation and, thanks to the Internet, you relate more to Western culture than the one in which you were raised. Unfortunately, any potential significant other isn't on board with your “radical” views. Should you seek love in another land even though you don't have a lot of money to travel? You're young, and so are most of your network connections. Should you still work on this younger network, or should you try to build an older network while maintaining the one you currently have? Life Pro Tip: Want to connect with others by sharing your information without relying on tired old business cards? Print a QR code... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy med yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillebo. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people

and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. And this week we had Mubin Sheikh. This is an interesting one, Jason. This guy, he was originally kind of a radical Muslim guy, goes to Syria, lives over there, and then it's like, I don't really like the society that they've built over here.

And comes back, it ends up foiling the September 11th of Canada. And he infiltrated this whole group, kind of a crazy story. So him and I got along pretty well. Really interesting guy, great story. And we had Ti Tip Harris. He is a, one of the hip-hop legend. I don't even know how else to put it. I was originally like, wait, whatever you like guy?

You know, I thought that was kind of a fun one because when I got pitched this originally, I thought, okay, what are we going to do here? But whenever you get somebody that's that iconic on the show, it just ends up being a funny conversation because we're in two different universes and trying to sort of reach across and make some sort of connection here. I also write every so often on the blog,

we've got lots of articles up there, deep dive topics. Anything we've done a deep dive on usually comes from an article, and then we've got our little rants on there that are designed to help you get better at things, so intuition and why you shouldn't listen to it and debunking a lot of hype.

That's what I like to do in those articles, wherever possible. those are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. Of course, our primary mission on the Jordan Harbinger show is to pass along our guests' insights and our own experience and insights along to you. So we'd like to have real conversations directly with you, and that's what we do on every Friday here on.

Feedback Friday. You can reach us Friday atjordanharbinger.com. A lot of you have been writing me recently just to say hi, and I appreciate that. I do get back to everyone, so if you haven't heard from me, yes, it's because I'm buried in email, because I'm also buried in dirty diapers,

but I do love hearing from you, and you can always reach me directly, Jordan at Jordanharbinger.com. But please send your questions for Fridays to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. It helps me keep my inbox, which, as you can imagine, looks a little bit like Chernobyl and the surrounding area. It helps me keep that in order. By the way, as you know, I'm going to prison for my 40th birthday and then hopefully coming, you know, back out after that. But I'm inviting you to go in and come back out with me, and what we're going to do is It's outside Reno, Nevada.

We're going to be volunteering and interacting with the inmates there and teaching them things like job interview skills. And don't worry if you don't know any of that stuff, we'll figure out a place for you. You're going to obviously be interacting a lot with all of us. With all the inmates, it's a blast. I mean, a lot of these guys are really smart. They have really good business ideas.

They're on their way out of the prison, and we're going to sort of help them with some skills. They're all graduating from an educational program. So it's not just like, you're not just walking into prison and it's like, see at lunch, you know? We've got an agenda. And that agenda is to have you have a life-changing experience while interacting with some of these guys that are in there. And you can join me for this. I'm not sure exactly how much it's going to cost yet.

It's going to be a donation to the charity. We're probably going to fly into Reno, February 25th, go in on the 26th. And I'm trying to arrange some other fun stuff afterwards, you know, like maybe we'll go to the Tesla gigafactory. I don't know. I shouldn't even throw that out there because I don't want to get anybody's hopes up. there's going to be something going on, hopefully. Anyway, you can join me. It'll probably be, I don't know, $1,200 plus travel. Email me, prison at jordanharbinger.com. So Friday at Jordan Harbinger for questions, I'm Jordan at Jordan Harbinger to say hello and prison at Jordan Harbinger.

If you want to be added to our interest list to go to prison early 2020, and that's going to be a fun experience. I've got a hundred spots, I think. And there's a couple hundred people, several hundred people on the interest list. So just shoot me a message if you don't want to miss out. If you get into jail free card. Well, not quite free. Anyway, Jason, I was going to say, that's not really free. Get into jail, not free.

Yes, and then come out free. How's that? You get to come out for free just to pay to get in. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hello, Jordan and Jason. I recently had a revelation that my wife of two years, together for five, has zero respect for me. It hit me when we were out in public at some bars with friends. She'd gone to the restroom and hadn't returned for some time.

I went to check on her and I found her talking to a group of strangers at the bar. And when I approached, instead of introducing me to the group as her husband, she showed me the palm of her hand and condescendingly told me to wait, as if I was her child or annoying sibling. Dang. After the ensuing argument, obviously, I pondered this in a lot of other interactions and I'm beginning to think that the issue is a lack of respect. On a daily basis, I'm reminded by her how to do basic tasks,

and criticized for every minor mistake I make. I've also noticed that she never values my advice. And if she has a question about something, no matter how confident my answer is, she'll always ask someone else afterward, as if she doesn't value or believe my answer. I work hard, have a good job that supports our family on my income alone. I help out around the house, probably more than your average husband, and I'm going to school to further my education and job opportunities even more. I'm a bit of a silly, nerdy guy.

Always have been, and I can't help but think that. that's the only reason she doesn't respect me as a man. I've always been a nice, unselfish guy, and I find it hard to walk the line between being a pushover and being an asshole. She even brings this up at times. For example, if we're out eating and our waitress makes a minor mistake, but I don't feel like saying anything about it, she'll point it out to me. These all seem like signs of no respect. Would you agree? And if so, what can cause this, and do you have any advice for me? Can respect be regained after it's lost? Thanks, guys. Disrespected and despondent. Yice, this one is ugly because it does sound like she does not respect you, you know,

and there's different reasons that could possibly be. It sounds to me just at first glance like you two have different definitions of masculinity, maybe different definitions of a man's role in the relationship, or maybe those roles have shifted, which is very normal. This does happen when you're together for a long time. It's very, very normal, not this particular type of treatment, but that roles are shifting. That's normal.

She's got a different definition of a man's role, and most likely. Maybe you were more like that in the beginning of the relationship, or maybe not. She was attracted to you in the first place, and that's worth exploring. Why is that, for example? What do you think that was? If she were to tell you what it was, what would it be? And she might not necessarily even know, right? This is a little bit more of a subconscious kind of thing.

My guess here, and this is, I am imputing a lot of different detail that we did not get in the letter here. So take this with a grain of salt, this particular bit. here, but when I see this happening and when I have seen this happening in the past, a lot of times women who have dated guys that were maybe a little abusive, maybe a little bit controlling in the past, they will then have a pendulum shift to a guy that's very safe, right? And so you might be very nice, very safe for her, but now she's pushing the boundaries because we don't necessarily seek out safety, we seek out the familiar. So if we have a troubled past, or maybe her father was a certain way, her parents were a certain way, we seek out the familiar in relationship. So if she

might have done that and then had a pendulum shift to you, but now she's pushing the boundaries because she's like, well, I'm seeking the familiar again. Again, this is all subconscious. She's not going to sit down and go, oh, I'm seeking to go back to my old familiar ways where my household was unstable. Again, I have no evidence for this in the letter. I've just seen this a lot in these types of situations where these are the circumstances. So some of what she's doing may actually be testing you, testing the boundaries of the relationship. But then the problem, of course, that arises if you overcompensate and you really push back on this, then you're being an a-hole. And if you sort of magically guess what she wants you to do, the appropriate response, and then you do it, you're not really being yourself inside your marriage either.

So you'd have to work really hard only to essentially be playing a character or a role inside your marriage that might not be healthy for either of you. So that's no win right now. And it doesn't have to stay that way. I would get a marriage and family therapist. I know that I recommend therapy all the time, but there's a reason for that. If she says no to that, you need to still set a boundary and keep it. I think that there's a likelihood that she will respect you kind of pushing the issue here,

forcing the issue even, of going to see a marriage therapist. because it shows that you care, and also she might think, well, we don't really need this, but obviously you do because there's major discord in your relationship. If you don't fix this, your marriage will disintegrate and you will resent each other. And the good news is she probably wants to fix things and actually doesn't know how to go about it.

If she really doesn't want to be with you, she would likely be more apathetic than disrespectful. Now, that's not always the case. A lot of times couples that have a lot of animosity then become more apathetic because besides give up on reconciling, you don't want to get that far. You never really know. A lot of people are afraid to go to therapy

because they're afraid of what they might dredge up, right? There might be time to call a quits, not necessarily for you, but for people in therapy, and people don't want to hear that. So they putts around and they fight each other and they make everyone miserable for three more years, but that's not a good strategy either. This is something you'll need to fix now or discover now

instead of waiting for it to blindside you. It's funny because we're often blindsided by, the things we actually saw before, we just decided to stop looking at them. And that's a problem. You don't wanna do that, especially in this relationship. So best of luck, this isn't an easy situation, but it might be something that you can salvage

and in fact, coming out the other side might make your marriage even stronger. Only though, if you attack the problem now and you approach it as a team, and you do so with some qualified help rather than just some vague promises to one another. Keep in touch for sure. I'm curious to see how this goes,

and I'm rooting for you. I think we're all rooting for you. Nobody wants to see a marriage dissolve over what is likely a shift in roles that can easily be survived and adapted to. You just have to get to it early and you have to make a concerted effort to do so. So keep in touch and let us know how it goes. All right, Jason, what else we got? Hello, Jay Cubed. I'm a freshman engineering student and I find the class is very enjoyable.

The content and teachers are both great. Also, there are lots of great activities here that I'm enjoying. That being said, I don't want college to be spoiled by having a poor social. life. I'm rooming with a very sociable friend who can fit into any group and always exudes fun and positive energy. However, I'm not the same way. Too much socializing tires me out and leaves me with a short fuse. This has resulted in me getting infuriated by never getting the opportunity to be by myself, and I've vented this anger towards the people on my floor, mainly in passive ways like ignoring them in the hallway and pretending like I didn't hear them. Although in my defense, there have been a

couple occasions where I've been deliberately provoked. How can I overcome my aversion to social interactions so that it doesn't make things awkward on my floor and I don't miss out on fun opportunities? Also, once people have fixed in their minds an impression of you being an unfriendly person, is it possible to change it? Thanks for everything you do, signed Introvert in Distress. Well, I've got some good news for you, man. There's new research, new ish, from Susan Cain, who wrote the book Quiet, that explains why introverts connect better. And I love this because you no longer we no longer as a fellow introvert have a medical excuse to be quiet or not socialize or not give talks or not network, things like that that introverts supposedly can't do.

Turns out that's just not the case. Introversion really here, what this means is you need me time to recover. And I'm with you. I often need people to just stop talking to me. Leave me alone. Let me go for a walk. Let me go read. I spend most of my days reading, writing, and walking outside.

well, while listening to audiobooks or at the gym, even though I work from home with my wife. So I need plenty of time, me time to recover because I have a lot of other input, but I'm also a social person. And I know this because I've learned to balance these skills over the years. So introversion really means

that you're going to have a better ability to connect with other folks. You listen to other people when they speak. You're more emotionally aware. That's typically true with introverts. This is Susan Kane's research from her book as well, by the way, where introverts aren't people who are socially inept,

they're people who need me time to recover, but they actually perceive others better than, on the whole, better than extroverts do because they're paying closer attention. So in a way, introversion is actually a social superpower. It's just that you need to keep recovering and filling up that tank. You can't just use it all the time.

So knowing this about yourself is hugely important, realizing that you understand that it's not an inability to be social and that you are just going to eventually run out of fuel to put on a happy face around other folks. That's a huge realization. It took me till I was mid-30s really to get it. I just thought, well, sometimes I'm really cranky.

Other times I feel like I need 17 drinks to go socialize. You know, that's not good for you. And it turns out it's not true. Sometimes you just need me time. You don't need another drink. Make sure you know where you can go be alone at school. If it's not your dorm room because you got a roommate and everyone's always in your room all the time,

you can have a conversation with your roommate and say, like, look, Would you mind hanging out in the other guy's room? Like, sometimes I need to just sit here and relax. If not in your dorm room, you know, and I understand not wanting to be kind of the wet blanket, like, hey, guys, can everybody leave? I need some me time. Like, I get not wanting to do that in college.

Maybe if you can't use a room, go to the gym. You know, put on some noise-canceling headphones or some AirPods. Go to the gym, just work out by yourself. Go for walks, listen to stuff on your phone. I spend, again, I spend the majority of my day some days walking outside and listening to stuff on my phone and studying and doing prep that way. You can also study at the stacks and the library. Now, if your university is large, you probably have a huge library, and that means that there are all kinds of nooks and crannies and desks and quiet rooms and bookshelf areas that

you can go to, and there's just nobody there. And probably nobody's yammering away on their phone because they'll get yelled at by the other people who are hiding in the little corners. And those things are open until University of Michigan, 20 years ago they were open until 2, 4 o'clock in the morning. It's probably 24 hours by now. So you can always go there. You need to realize that it's your sort of duty to retreat. It's not everybody's duty to leave you alone when you live in crowded social circumstances like a university. Be extra careful not to be unfriendly when people see you or when you see them.

And that's kind of some obvious advice. But remember, they don't know your internal state or how you feel. They're just going to judge that book by the cover. So make sure you learn to, and I can't believe I'm recommending this, but you got to do it anyway. If you need to learn to fake politeness, even when you have had it, just like the rest of us introverts, go ahead. I mean, there's plenty of time where somebody, it's 8.30 p.m., 9.45 p.m., and someone's like, Jordan Harbinger, good to see you. And I'm going up the elevator to my hotel room.

I might say, hey, good to see you. Man, I am beat from a long day. How about you? You know, I'll throw it back on them, let them talk. You can't, it's an elevator right. It's not that long. And then you say, I'll see you tomorrow in the morning when I've got a little bit more energy. They will understand.

If you phrase it like that, if you just pretend you don't see them and you're staring at your phone and they say, oh, hey, Jordan, what's going on? And I'm like, gee, I'm just looking at my phone. That comes across is extremely rude, of course. So remember, you're the one who has to take control of your boundaries, but you want to do so in a way that's a little bit more transparent. So as for recovering your reputation, I'd recommend when you see people, You tell something like, and this is just a normal day,

when you guys are all having a drink or something like that or hanging out and say, look, guys, by the way, if I've ever come across as unfriendly, I assure you that's not the case. My deal, I get really stressed out sometimes, and it's all I can think about. So if I don't hear you in the hallway or it seems like I ignored you, I'm usually just in my own head.

I'm worried about something. I'm ruminating about something. It's not personal. I'm not blocking you out on purpose. Even though you kind of are sometimes, you're doing it because you need to recover. I think this is an okay story that most people will understand. Also, don't bother trying to explain, well, I'm an introvert,

so I'm just going to need more me time to recover and blah, blah, they're just going to glaze over and stop listening. If they're not sure what you're talking about, no one's going to have a clue. And I recommend that you do this one-on-one, not to a whole big group. Groups tend to have one or two idiots who are going to be like, whatever, bro, don't be a loser, and then try to make everyone laugh. One-on-one will be easier, and it will encourage the guys, your friends, the guys and gals, whatever you're dealing with,

to be more vulnerable and connect with you as well. You'll probably get a few people saying something like, no worries, yeah, I get like that too sometimes, especially when I'm tired or late at night, and, you know, I used to be shy in high school, that kind of stuff. You'll hear that and you'll realize you have more in common with these folks, even though sometimes as an introvert, it seems like we're the only introvert. Half the time everyone else is faking it, too.

There's one extrovert, and they're leading the charge. This isn't the end of the world. Being a fellow introvert, I think I'm an I NTJ, but I don't really believe in personality tests. That's a whole different show. Being a fellow introvert, I know that managing that is just as important as managing any other health concern. You've got to hit the gym, you've got to get enough sleep, and you've got to get time alone.

It's almost like if you're diabetic, you monitor your blood sugar. You've just got to stay on top of how much fuel is left in your social tank. Otherwise, you're going to start throwing off those bad vibes that are going to damage your reputation long term. And you don't want that. So make sure you're paying attention to it and don't feel bad about feeling that way because let me tell you, as an adult, you still have that. It might even get worse, but you can change your level of energy for social interaction like I have, and it becomes fun.

But yeah, don't get me wrong. After four or five, six hours, whatever it is on my best day, I go home and I don't want to talk to anybody. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes to your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family.

If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. Okay, Jason, what's next? Hey, Jay Squad. I've been with an airline for seven years now, and I'm in my second role with the company, social media customer service. I applied for a new role with the company that sort of bridged the job I'm in now with my previous role at the airport itself.

While I no longer had airport security clearance or an airport license, I expressed in the interview that I could get those credentials all over again, should I be hired? The interviewer liked that I had done a shadowing of the job previously, and someone I used to work with heard I applied and spoke very highly of me. I thought everything overall went really well and waited nearly four weeks for a verdict on the job. In the meantime, I had a monthly one-on-one meeting with one of my supervisors

that was great as usual, and I took that opportunity to tell her that I'd applied and was getting antsy. She offered to proactively put in a word with the new department to help me transition as they'd be reaching out to her anyways if I was accepted. Two days later, I got an email stating that I'd not been accepted and someone else was. Was this a bad move on my part? Could my supervisor have sabotaged this in some way? Or could another supervisor have withheld me in some capacity? I'd heard talk of the other supervisor inhibiting advancement in the past, but I'm trying not to jump to conclusions or assume the worst. I've emailed the person who interviewed me to ask what I can improve on next time or for a future role as I was

really looking forward to joining their team. But do you guys suggest I asked to view what my supervisors sent them in an email or is that out of bounds? Sincerely, thought I had it in the bag. Yeah, so you're definitely not going to get to see what your supervisor said. That would inhibit future honest references. And also, it's kind of like, that person probably has known your supervisor for a while, they're higher up in the same company, and you're coming in going, hey, I want to see what this person, who's my current boss said to the boss of my new position or the position I wanted. I mean, I'm not trying to make fun of you, but that's probably the worst idea that you could possibly have right now is to push the issue.

You're going to undermine both levels because it's going to get back to your current supervisor and they're going to be like, this guy's checking up on me. And the other supervisors, like, I never want to work with this guy because he obviously doesn't trust his supervisor. Yeah, just not good. I totally get why you would want to see that. but it's never gonna happen and asking will actually damage your reputation. You'll never know how they made their decision.

That's by design. You know, most people, even when they make their decision for a very good reason, they don't want to go, you know, I made this decision because Shelley's really bubbly and nice and Jonathan is kind of a downer. Nobody even wants to put that in because then later on it's like, oh, well, he chose her because he likes her personality, and then that gets transmutated. They're just going to say, yeah, we had a discussion. and honestly they probably don't even want to know.

The new supervisor was probably like, should I hire this guy? And the other person says, I need them for a few more months. And they went, okay, fair enough. Or they said, I wouldn't do that right now. And they went, okay, they didn't go, oh, why? Oh, he's doing this, this, this and this.

I mean, they really, unless they really want you, they don't want to know. They don't want to get their hands dirty. This is a corporation, especially in airline with a union. They definitely don't want to get mixed up in anything. You'll never know how they made their decision. You have to come to terms with that. and you not getting the new position, it could be a coincidence.

They could have taken a while to go through and evaluate, and then they could have found somebody else, and you just happen to talk to your existing supervisor, and then you found out later you didn't get the job. Could easily just be a coincidence of timing. I would ask for how you can improve and what would make you more qualified and competitive next time. That's something you can actually do something about. Hey, how can I improve? What would make me more qualified next time? Oh, well, honestly, we chose someone who had a lot more experience in XYZ, so, you know, that We didn't think we had that, but it turns out we did. Or we chose someone who's a little bit older because everybody else in that department

was a little bit older, and we would love to have you join us pretty soon. Or we only had funding for one position, and you were number two on the list. You just never know. They might not even get that specific with you. But you can ask for some advice. Just bear in mind, they might say, nothing. I mean, you're just qualified enough. You know, we just chose somebody else.

You have to leave it there. We just don't like people who wear patchuli to work every day. That's why you weren't hired. Could be something simple as that. It could be. You know what? And that's a very true thing. I've definitely, when I've interviewed for certain positions,

if they're wearing smelly perfume, I won't hire them. And people in the company previously have said, I can't believe it. And I thought, well, no, I don't want to smell that all day. Oh, well, just tell her not to wear it. You really want me to say, you're not allowed to wear that anymore. And then when they come in and their clothes have it on, I mean, it's a whole thing.

Of course you're going to smell it. So no, yeah, I've definitely not hired somebody for those reasons or for equally what you might consider trivial reasons. It's also possible your supervisor wanted to retain you and then asked them not to give you the job. Or it's possible she's a smack talker. Again, you'll never really know, unfortunately, not unless you have some insider who can get you the truth.

I don't think telling your existing boss you were going to go someplace else would normally be a bad move. It's not like you're leaving the company. But if you're looking to move in the future, I'd make sure you get a reference from the supervisor that you've got a better connection to. You can also get a reference and have it sent over now

so that later when you need a reference, it's already there, right? The cat's out of the bag. You don't have to signal or give them a heads up that you are going to be leaving or reapplying to that position. It could really be anything. You don't know what happened here. There's no reason to let it change anything you're doing. If it happens again, though,

might be time to look for an outside role because if it happens again, your supervisor might be sabotaging you for some reason, and it won't really matter what that reason is. You just can't keep the same job with the same pay grade at the same company forever just because somebody likes you where you are and is going to inhibit your upward mobility. You can't sit around for that.

So this one might be coincidence. If it happens again or you get word that they are sabotaging you, yeah, get out of there. Nobody should have a boss that's sabotaging them. It's just not worth of distress. Sorry to hear about this, man. Okay, Jason, next step. Dear Jake Cubed, I'm a 30-year-old single mom. I have a well-paying job, no debt, in a substantial savings account.

I'm currently in a relationship with a man who I adore. He's amazing with my daughter, treats me wonderfully, and we have so much fun together. However, he's a bit of a late bloomer. He's my age, but only just getting started in his career while I've been working in my profession for over eight years. I like to think that I'm an independent woman who doesn't need a man to take care of me. However, I don't like the idea of me taking care of a grown man. He's on the right track, but is only just getting started in his first real adult job

with benefits and a retirement plan, etc. Right now, I pay for most date. nights and other non-essential expenses, which I'm okay with while he gets his financial footing. He's also new to having his own insurance and benefits and hasn't really taken any initiative to figuring that out. He hasn't established himself with a doctor and has said that he wants me to help him because he doesn't know what to do. How do I tactfully approach the subject of finances in this situation, which I think can be fairly emasculating? How do I tell him to try to figure out this adulting stuff on his own? We have good communication and we're both very

open about our situations and what we want out of a relationship. He's hinted towards wanting to marry me, and while I think he would be a wonderful husband in so many ways, I don't want to commit to a marriage until he's more independent. I don't mind shouldering more of the financial burden right now or helping him out, but long term I worry I would start to resent him for not pulling his own weight. We've talked about finances and health care and things like that, but I feel like I'm parenting him. I want to be his girlfriend, maybe his wife someday, just not his mom. Sincerely, trying to get my man to man up. All right, a couple of red flags here. It's okay if he's a late bloomer. That's fine. In fact, a lot of guys might seem that way to you because you're 30 and a single mom. So you're

basically more mature and more responsible than 99% of the rest of society because you have to be. And by the way, big shout out to you and all the single moms out there. Now that I have a kid, I'm literally in awe at any single parent mom or dad because Jenny and I are just like, How the hell do people do this with day jobs, let alone if they are single? It's just crazy to me, and I have a newfound level of respect for the single parent that I think only another parent can have. The issues I'm seeing here, they're not just that he's a late bloomer. I'm late in terms of figuring out just about everything myself. Hell, I've been doing this show for like 12 and a half years, and I'm still just getting the hang of what I'm doing over here.

The issue is that he's still playing this kid stuff where he's saying, oh, I'm not sure how to get a doctor. I need your help doing it. Now, if he said, man, I've never had insurance, what's my next move? Okay, I've got to get a doctor. All right, let me look one up here. That's fine. Asking for advice, that's fine. But what I'm hearing is him pulling the old, gee, I don't know how this works.

Can you do it for me? That's the old trick. Oldest trick in the book. I had a college roommate like this who didn't know how to boil water. And he would tell us he didn't know how to boil water so that we would end up making him macaroni and cheese. It happened one time. I remember our other sort of housemate, Christian, being like, well, you turn this on, you fill it up with water, and then when it boils, you dump in the noodles. And so, of course, when it boiled, he was like, wait, what do I do now that it's boiling?

And the guy would dump it in the noodles. Okay, now what do I do? You dump it in the strainer. I mean, it was just pathetic. It was pathetic, and it cost him a lot of relationships because after the first time, you kind of go, oh, I get it. This is his game that he does, like, with his mom, you know, so that she'll do it for him. And we're 22 now. It's just pathetic.

I'm not saying this is a deal breaker, but he needs to know that you're on to him and that doing things he doesn't want to do or now how to do is part of being an adult. And he might snap out of this if you enforce that. You also cannot enable this BS. If he asks for help with making toast, tell him to Google it. There's a YouTube video for this. It also doesn't mean you can't tell him how insurance works, but it does mean you don't have to drive him to the doctor

after you look one up yourself on the website and make his appointment for him, et cetera. don't mother him. Don't mother him and he won't ask you to. Okay, as for marriage, etc., I'd say wait until he's on more stable ground, not just financially, but he needs to grow up. Some guys just don't do that. And if he locks you in for marriage, congrats, you just adopted a child, a man child. You're worried about talking finances and adult stuff without emasculating him. I get it. That's very nice of you. And yes, it can be emasculating. But if you do this in a respectful way, then it'll be, it'll be fine. Here's the thing. If it's not fine, you went about this in a respect you brought it up, you're worried that it's not going to be fine. That to me signals that you

kind of already know maybe he's going to feel unmasculated by this. Maybe he does react negatively in these kinds of situations. That's bad. If he gets emotional even though you're not talking down to him or deliberately making him feel emasculated, then that's on him. And it's a bit of a flag if someone reacts emotionally to something like this. It may be another manipulative tactic. Oh, I'm going to get mad when she asks me to be responsible and say that I feel emasculated. and then she won't ask me to do that, and then I'll just have her do this stuff for me. Yes, he might be insecure about it,

but it doesn't mean that you have to tiptoe around all of his emotions and all of his insecurities and all the stuff he can't do all the time. That's also part of being an adult. Conversations like this happen a lot more when you're married, and so if he isn't up to that, he's not up to getting married either. So how he reacts to you bringing up this subject and the other subjects is actually a good test of whether or not you're in a relationship with the right person,

or not. So I would say bring this up and see how he reacts. That's going to be this topic and other topics like it are going to be a good indicator if this person is a good partner or if they're just going to keep trying to manipulate you into being his mom, right? He may not want a partner. He may want a mother. And going through things like this and his ability to adapt to the relationship are going to show you whether or not he's a good partner and has any interest in that at all in the first place. Yeah, I think by the time they get married, they have to be on equal footing. And this guy definitely needs to step up and start adulting like an adult. As I tell, as I ask my wife in the Slack chat, if she can drive me somewhere.

But to be fair, she needs the car. We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this. Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers helps keep us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visitjordanharbinger.com slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. Okay.

What else we got? Hey, Jay and Jay. I'm from Iraq. Because of the phenomenal internet, we are exposed to many cultures online. A year ago, my mentality has changed dramatically. I threw away most of my Eastern beliefs. I've been having difficulties or hard situations considering the fact that my mentality now has been shaped by Western culture, which has caused me many problems. For instance, if you want to have a relationship here, the girl immediately thinks about getting engaged. I'm 25 years old and I can't bear all the consequences of engagement or marriage. I like having relationships, but not getting engaged. It's a huge burden. Should I travel abroad? I've not collected sufficient money yet. Or should I put up with it and how? Thank you so much for your help. Best regards, a Western guy in an Eastern culture. Well, this is fascinating. Yeah, this is super interesting. And I think it's pretty damn cool that people are listening, you know, in Iraq. There's something special about that, that's for sure. I figured the downloads we got from there were Westerners working in Iraq and not necessarily Iraqi people. So,

it's really great. Welcome to the show. I always encourage travel and everything. If you can work and save money, that's great. Do it, expand your horizons even further. If you can't do that right now, then you do need to put up with the local dominant culture. And I know you said you threw away all your Eastern beliefs. I wouldn't throw everything out. I mean, your culture for sure has a lot of things that you probably are going to get value from as an adult. So I wouldn't throw it all away, especially for the Western culture you've seen on the internet. You know, you can liberalize and sort of expand your horizons and adopt things that we have over here, but you don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to your own culture. In fact, as you become

more of an adult and family ties get stronger and things like that, you may actually want to bring some of your old culture back into your life. I'm just throwing that out there. I know that's probably not the cool guy answer, but that's my real answer right now. Now, if you can't travel, again, aren't there other people who think like you over in Iraq? There have to be, especially in the larger cities. Moving to a big city will probably be a lot easier and more affordable than traveling and living abroad and starting a new life overseas. You know, that's what a lot of people do. When I grew up in Michigan, I was like, there's more for me out there. What am I going to do? I got a job in New York City. Then I moved to Los Angeles. Then I moved to San Francisco.

I moved there, but I didn't have to move to like, you know, London or Berlin. You do need to find people with similar values to your own. Travel is a good way to do that. I often find that I have values more consistent with, let's say, Europeans or Americans that live in big cities than I do with people elsewhere. And yet I also have plenty in common with Americans from small towns. You have to decide which set of values apply most to you right now and to who you want to be later on.

You know, if you really want to be sort of cosmopolitan, move to a big city for sure, and you will start to adopt those values. If you're dating and messing around, you need to be in a culture and surroundings where you can explore that. So head for the big city until you get sick of it or until you get this out of your system if that's what happens. Or move abroad and assimilate into a different culture entirely, which is a, that's a spicier meatball.

There's a lot more going on there. One of the greatest things about modern society is that we are so mobile and we can adopt different cultures and values. So definitely take advantage of that, but it doesn't mean that you have to leave Iraq and not essentially practice anything that you've learned growing up. It might be a little bit more traumatizing than you think. You might find similar folks in a circle in Baghdad, for example. I really don't know how much opportunity is for you in Iraq or how much opportunity you have to travel outside of it to the West. But I wish you luck in wherever you go and whatever you do, man, and keep in touch. Thanks for the note. Okay, last but not least. Hello,

I'm trying to dig my well, but I feel like my network consists of a lot of young people, and most of them don't seem to have much to offer, since they're very new in their career. I'm 26, so that's about the average age of most of my connections. Should I still work on this younger network, or should I try to build an older network while maintaining the one I currently have? I'll be moving to a different state in two months, and I'll have the opportunity to build my network more. I'm just not sure what my focus should be. Thanks for all the great informational podcasts.

sincerely designing my demographic. The answer here is do both. You don't have to choose one demographic or the other. You can do both because networking is scalable, right? What we teach you at six-minute networking is you're doing a few texts per day, you're doing a few emails each day, you're doing some longer stuff each week. This is stuff you can do in, again, six minutes a day. And if you're not in the six-minute networking class, check out jordanharbinger.com

slash course. That's where you can find it. It's free. It's not. There's no upsell, none of that BS. The networking stuff is scalable. You don't have to go, ooh, I can only keep in touch with 30 people. Should I choose the younger ones or the older ones?

It's not how it works. Young people are going to be around longer. They are going to be in the career, in the industry longer. They might be on the edge of the technology innovating in the space and that type of thing. Older people, they're further along in their career. They have a little bit more clout. They are more experienced. You can learn a lot from them as well.

There's no reason to pick one versus the other. You should really be doing both. having young and old in your network actually puts you in a great position, a unique position, because you'll be able to connect people from those two worlds on a regular basis, which is a really strong advantage. So you might say, well, I've been working with this team of older folks in the marketing department, and they're asking about social media. So let me connect with a couple of the younger people on the team here

and help them wrap their mind around this. Or the young people are asking how to get ahead in their career. Let's set up some mentor groups with these older people that I know, kind of thing. It's a very unique position. Not only should you not choose one versus the other, but you should always add diversity to your network because that diversity alone is a major value add. So it's not just a question as to whether you should go deeper in a network or broad in terms of who is in your network. It's that you need to do both because with networking, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Life Pro Tip is from a listener. He said, Jordan, I listened to the show

and you mentioned something with business cards, so I wanted to share my life hack. I printed a QR code that contains my info in V-card format on the back of my phone. So essentially, all this data is in the QR code. It's offline. You don't need the internet. You can generate these QR codes online, by the way. And maybe we can link to that in the show notes, Jason or Bob. We can find an online QR code generator for V-cards.

He says, then when I want to give someone my business card, they just need to point their iPhone camera at the QR code, and they're offered to import my contact info. This way they already have my contact, and they do not need to type in all the data. Plus, I make sure that I'm saved in their connections with all my info, the correct email, and the business title, and I don't need business cards. I love this idea, Jason.

This is really cool. I would love to get the QR code in my Apple wallet or in an app somehow, so I don't have to have a QR sticker on the back of my iPhone. If anyone knows how to do that, I'd love to hear about it. Well, fortunately, you have a tech guy on the phone with you. So generate the QR code and just save it as an image into Apple Notes. You can put it into a folder so it's easy to get to, and then just pull. pop it up and they can scan it straight from your screen.

It goes really quick. Cool. Where can I generate these codes? We will have a link in the show notes. Great. Too bad I can't put it as like a wallet pass, you know? It's easier just to open notes. Yeah, that's true.

In my Apple notes, I've got every reward card and anything with a QR code or a, you know, barcode. And I just keep them in Apple Notes in a codes folder and just pop it up and hold my phone over the scanner like at Ralph's or wherever. That's cool. And you can just put a QR code in there too. There's an app I have called Stokeard where you can add like anything into it, like CVS cards and stuff. And it puts them into the wallet. And it also will tell you if there's like a deal for your cards, which is kind of cool. It'll be like, oh, you save two for one.

But yeah, I see if you already have them as images, that's cool. But I think this like updates them somehow with the companies. See, I have apps for all for most of them, like CVS and Ralph's because they all have digital coupons that you have to enable on the app. So it's just like my Ralph's one's like I go in when they, when I get an email. I was like, oh, 4X gas points this week. So I go in and I just, anything that I'm going to buy, they've already got coupons for. So I just have to tap on it when I go shopping, it automatically adds them to it. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

There you go. Cool. Recommendation of the week, Jason, this one's all you, right? Inside Bill's brain, decoding Bill Gates. I thought this was a fascinating documentary and it just came out of nowhere. And I watched this with my roommate, who's like maybe two years younger than Bill and not a techie. And she loved it. She really loved it.

It's only three episodes long, about an hour each, and it goes through different projects that Bill is working on to try and make the world a better place. And it's got, you know, Warren Buffett's in it. And they talk about, you know, the history of Microsoft where Bill comes from, how he met his wife, and all sorts of crazy things that you never have known. And the filmmaker, Davis Guggenheim, spent two years with Bill doing this documentary. And there's actually a link in the show notes to a. podcast that Davis did over on the verge that's worth checking out because he talks about the behind the scenes. But, you know, if you want to learn more about Bill Gates, this is a great documentary. And I was never a huge Bill Gates fan. I was always team jobs and team Apple. And I always

thought, you know, Bill was kind of just too nerdy for school. And, well, he is. He's actually way smarter than I gave him credit for. And he's just a fascinating dude. So I highly recommend checking out this documentary. Well, yeah, of course, that totally makes sense, right? Like, this is a one of the geniuses of our time. And what I love about him is he's got that giving pledge where all these old billionaires are not just going to die with a bunch of trust fund money for their grandkids. Right. Yeah. That's the whole thing, the whole Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and they got Warren Buffett in and everybody's trying to give a lot of money to it. And the projects, you know, he's looking for a toilet for third world countries that can run on like solar power so they don't

need to have plumbing and can actually power itself. The one that I'm really, really sad that didn't get made yet, and hopefully it will someday. They've completely re-engineered nuclear reactors. They actually used waste fuel instead of new fuel to power themselves, but the whole thing with Fukushima happened, and then this whole thing with Trump and the China deal happened and screwed up their entire plan. But the plans are in place to build a safe nuclear reactor to basically power everything. And I hope they really get this thing done at some point, because, man, it's just fascinating all the work that he puts in, day in, day out. So just push the human race forward.

So that's on Netflix and we'll link to it in the show notes as well. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. If you want to go to prison, email me, prison at jordanharbinger.com. We'd love to have you. It's just an interest list for now. So if you're interested, that's how you get on the list. Quick shout out to Connor, who said he's using six-minute networking and is just blown away.

He's used the resources and the show to get a job that he loves at a corporate super in his area as a contractor, two job opportunities that have come unsolicited, and he just never thought that would happen without six-minute networking and the show. So thank you. By the way, six-minute networking, Connor, and everyone else, is at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Go back and check out the guest, Mubin-Shech and Ti, Tip Harris, if you haven't yet. If you wanted to how he managed to book all these great guests and manage relationships,

well, it's about systems and it's about tiny habits. Be like Connor. Check out six-minute networking at Jordan Harbinger. dot com slash course. And don't kick the can down the road. Don't put it off. Procrastination leads to stagnation when it comes to your personal and professional network.

This is the stuff I wish I knew 20 years ago. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. Jason? You can check out my tech podcast, grumpy old geeks at gog. And if you're a podcaster, check out the club. It's basically a place where podcasters hang out, ask questions, and do demos.

and stuff like that. That's at club. com. Podcast School. C.O. Free and open to everyone. This show is created in association with Podcast 1,

and this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jace Sanderson, and show notes for the episode are by Robert Fogarty. Music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com.

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