The Jordan Harbinger Show - 266: Should I Tell My Friend He's a Horrible Person? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: October 18, 2019

Recently you stopped all contact with a childhood friend due to his toxic behavior. He went through a pretty bad breakup due to his behavior and you had enough. He thinks that by being a horrible dick to people, he's being really honest and helping them. Your other friends tell you that you should talk to him about why you cut him off, but you feel you've told him one too many times why he's a dick and what he could do to change. Do you owe him a conversation just because you were childhood friends? On this Feedback Friday, we'll try to help you decide whether to continue ghosting this ex-friend or actually take the time to tell him he's a horrible person. And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/266. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Interested in doing some prison time with Jordan next February? It's filling up fast; reach out to [e-mail] for details! Recently you stopped all contact with a childhood friend due to his toxic behavior. Do you owe him a conversation just because you were childhood friends -- even if it's just to tell him he's a horrible person? You've grown distant from your once-close sibling, who has become increasingly anxious and self-isolated to the point where family visits never happen anymore. Is there a way you can help draw them out? Your boyfriend enjoys porn, so you're wondering -- from a guy's perspective -- why is it necessary to have an “escape” from a relationship with a partner who is perfectly willing to do it all? Is he just scared to be vulnerable enough to ask you? After six potential relationships got nipped in the bud because the other person says you're "too good" for them, your suspicions are aroused. What's the most likely story, and what can you do to change this all-too-familiar outcome? When you work in politics and it's election season, how do you wrangle your campaign volunteers to do the work that's proven effective (phone calls and knocking on doors) instead of the work they want to do (strategy meetings and social media)? You're constantly told you need to meet with mentors, but you've gotten a lot of terrible advice from them. Is there any value to just going through the motions with bad mentors who may be great connections if not the soundest strategists? You're a shoe-in for a job opportunity opening near you soon, but it would mean pulling out of a job you're not that excited about that requires a lengthy commute. How can you let go of the latter job without leaving anyone in the lurch? Life Pro Tip: Feeling a gag reflex? Squeeze your fist really... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillopo. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills

of the world's most brilliant and interesting people, and we turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. This week we had Mike Roe

of dirty jobs and returning the favor. Mike Roe, man, this is a guy, an interesting cat with a storied career. We talked all about why you shouldn't follow your passion

but actually take it with you and of course he just everything he says is kind of like funny and very wise so I always enjoyed those conversations we also had my friend moran surf moran and I talked about chip implants in the brain how he used to rob banks for legit somehow rob banks and make money legitimately it was a hacker gone neuroscientist so he's a really sharp interesting guy and a good friend of mine I really liked that conversation as well so make sure you go and check those out micro and moron surf I also write every so often on the blog. One of the latest posts is how you should stop talking about your goals if you want to actually accomplish them. This is some interesting science because a lot of people

like to walk around being like, I'm going to do this. Here are my affirmations. Actually, you're not supposed to do any of that. Our brains like to have a little premature celebration when we talk about our goals and it's actually unhealthy and we'll go into the science behind why that is not good for you. That's on the blog at jordanharbinger.com slash articles. So make sure you've had a look at that article and listen to everything we created for you this week. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along wisdom to you, whether that's our experiences and insights or those of our guest, and so we want to have conversations directly with you wherever possible.

That's what we do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Remember, I'm spending my birthday in prison, February 26th, outside Reno. I want you to come with me. There's a few hundred people on the interest list, but we've got a lot of spots, and they are very stoked that we're going to be bringing in a bunch of people. So if you want to come and join us, I don't think a few hundred people are going to go.

I think it's going to end up being a few dozen. And if you want to be one of them, email me prison at jordanharbinger.com. It's going to be around a grand, maybe a little more, plus travel. It's a donation, so you're going to be doing good with the money. And I would love to meet you behind bars. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey, Jays. Recently I stopped all contact with a childhood friend due to his toxic babysat.

behavior. He went through a pretty bad breakup due to his behavior, and I had enough. He thinks that by being a horrible dick to people, he's being really honest in helping them. My other friends tell me that I should talk to him about why I cut him off, but I feel I've told him one too many times why he's a dick and what he could do to change. Do I owe him a conversation because we were childhood friends? I feel bad about it, and I just lost a close friend due to suicide a few years back. I can't shake the feeling that he could do something in a moment of weakness that I might blame myself for. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

Helpless ex-friend. Well, in my opinion, if you've told someone two or three times about something that bothers you, like their attitude or the way they treat other people, and then they ignore you, that's on them. I can see overlooking one talk or maybe even blowing off a more serious conversation because, you know, you weren't ready to hear it at the time. But after the second or third time, you've just got your head in the sand. deliberately and maybe you don't respect other people's opinions. Or you're too insecure to change

what you're doing and you have no other plan. If you're worried about keeping this or anything he might do off of your conscience, go ahead, have another chat with him, but bear in mind that he will probably ignore you and blame you for splitting up the friendship. And then anything he does as a result, you might still blame yourself anyway. You know, so do whatever you need to do to get it off your conscience other than keeping him in your orbit because that's no good. Here's the thing. When you goes to crappy friend like this, it's not like you have to break up with them and clarify everything.

It's not a relationship like it is with somebody that you live with. You can simply limit your time with them. And by limit, I mean, don't invite them out anymore. You can take a break for a couple years or months or whatever. And then if he says, why, why aren't we hanging out? Then you can tell them, hey, look, man, I told you. Your attitude is crappy.

You treat people poorly. I don't want to be associated with that. And so, you know, I haven't called you in a while. It doesn't mean you have to tell him he's a horrible person and that you never want to see him again, etc. Also, you don't need to get emotional about this. If he asks you why you haven't hung out in a few months, you can simply let him know. You've been rude to a lot of people, including you.

You don't want to be treated like that. If he listens, great. If he blows his top, whatever. You're not making a permanent decision here. And you can even let him know that it's not permanent. You can say, look, when you're ready to stop acting like an a-hole, we'll be here. But in the meantime, I can't have you yelling at waiters and treating people poorly because it's not nice. I know you think you're being honest, but I think if you really dig deep, that's not what's going on here.

You're using it as an excuse to be rude to other people, and you're saying, well, if you can't handle it, you're a snowflake, but it really says more about you than it does about any of us. And we don't want to be around that. And if he doesn't understand that, that's his problem at that point. It really is. There's this whole trend online, Jason, I've noticed, where someone will say something really, really rude and mean and horrible. And then when you go, oh, that wasn't very nice. or, well, why would you do that? They go, oh, whatever, did I hurt your feeling? Snowflake?

And it's like, well, no, you're just being a completely shitty person, and I don't want you anywhere near me. Oh, okay, Snowflake, if you can't take the heat, but these are the same people that will absolutely implode if you cross them or if they have some perceived slight, both in real life or especially online. So you don't have to put up with that. There's no rule that says every time you don't put up with abuse, you're being a sensitive snowflake. That just happens to be like excuse du jour. My dad, when he used to be kind of mean or make fun

of somebody, he'd be like, oh, you're too sensitive. You're too sensitive. If somebody's sensitive, stop pushing their buttons. If someone's too sensitive that everything pushes their buttons, stop being around them, period. Right? That's the rule. You don't get to decide what triggers somebody else. They do. And that's partially the problem when people in society get triggered by everything. but if it's somebody in your friend circle, you can simply exercise your judgment and your discretion and say, well, I don't want to be around you anymore.

I'm not saying get rid of people for certain political beliefs or because they think differently, but if every time you come out with your girlfriend, this guy says, oh, you're gonna' fat, man, you could do better, are like, oh, you're gonna order that, it's unhealthy, oh, this movie sucks, everyone sucks.

Nobody wants to be around that, and you don't have any duty to stay around them just because you've known them for a long time. Jason, you must have some people in your lives that were or have been like this? Come on. Oh, totally, man. There are so many people that I've had around me that were just toxic and just like haters on everything. There's a certain limit that you get to and you say, dude, lighten up. I don't want to hear somebody complain for four

hours. It's like, no. And you don't have to feel bad about cutting those people out of your life. If they change and want to come back later and say, yeah, man, I was kind of a dick back then. I've kind of chilled out. I got older. I have a better perspective. Then let them back in. But if they're still the same person, then, you know, move on. You have no obligation to hang out with people you don't want to be around. All right. What's next? Hey, Triple J. My brother is a couple years older than me, and we grew up close. He's my half-brother, but we were kind of all each other had as kids. Through high school and early 20s, I always considered him one of my closest friends. I even met my current husband through him. He was in my wedding. We hung out every few weekends or so, and he was a great uncle to our little boy.

Fast forward about a decade, and it's been over two years since I've had a real conversation with him beyond text. He never visits anymore, avoids me if I try to visit, and refuses to come to any family gathering. Recently, after my mom was trying to get him out of the house, he finally told her that conversations are just awkward and causes him too much anxiety. So he doesn't want to meet up for dinner. Now, he's never been one to like social situations. He's very smart and capable, but he also smokes weed a lot. Not saying that's a bad thing, but he seems to rely on it. He avoids jobs where he has to talk to people.

And in fact, he quit a decent welding job to work on a farm where he's completely isolated for most of the world. He's never had a girlfriend, and the couple of girls he's really liked have just used him and went on with different men. Besides these girls and guys he's smoked with, he hasn't had many friends outside of high school. And as far as I know, he doesn't have any friends now. At this point, I don't know what to do. Is there any way we can help him?

Is there any way to nudge him to seek professional help? I dread the worst could happen if he keeps himself isolated like this. As always, thank you for any advice and insight you have. Sincerely, lost sister. This is a strange situation. This could be social anxiety, but it's quite extreme if he's actually avoiding people that he knows, like family, and won't come out of the house much at all, even for relatives. Social anxiety and being in a party with new people,

and that's sort of one thing, but being almost a shut-in is another thing. But he's not quite a shut-in if he works on a farm because he works outside. So it's not being inside that he needs, it's not being outside that he's afraid of. He just really doesn't want to talk to anybody else. So it's sort of extreme social anxiety.

And some of this, it's sort of chicken egg, right? Like it could be caused by smoking a ton of weed or it could be medicated by smoking a ton of weed. So it's really hard to say. a little bit beyond social anxiety and potentially into mental illness territory to me. It's hard to say what's caused this. It doesn't necessarily matter. The weed, in my opinion, just based on these details, again, if he's been smoking for years and

years and years and suddenly he starts to get this anxiety, it could be triggered by that. But the weed is probably his way of self-medicating. He might actually have a cortisol or hormone issue that's causing it. So the only way to really check for this is for him to go to a functional medicine doctor, not just a GP, go to a functional medicine doctor or an endocrinologist, probably will need a referral. Get a blood and gut panel. They can see if something is going on with his cortisol and hormone levels, and they can see if there's something in his gut that might be causing strange behavior. For example, people with really severe cases of things like candida, that can cause hormone changes in the body that actually need attention.

Because it can take up nutrients that are required to create hormones like cortisol, testosterone, things like that, that can cause all these weird sort of disorders. Of course, it would be great if we could just get him to go to therapy, but the challenge with somebody who fears social interaction is often that they really don't want to talk to anyone, doctor or not. So that might be tough to get him going to therapy every single week. What you could do is try to convince him to get a physical and get his blood drawn and do the gut panel,

and the gut panel could be mailed to a lab as can the blood. The blood, of course, should be taken by a professional phlebotomist, which you could get to go to his house, but only, of course, if he's cooperating. Otherwise, you can't control his behavior. And if he doesn't want help at all, there's not much you can do about that besides to keep trying. I wish I had better tricks up my sleeve for this one. I think if you can get the blood and gut panels, you might uncover some other things that might be happening with him physiologically.

But there's just no way for us to know right now before having gotten any data. Let us know how it goes. Sometimes people just, over time, their sanity begins to drip away a little bit. And if they don't want help, but they're not a complete danger to themselves here, there's just not much you can do. That's the unfortunate state of affairs. You know, if he's just somebody who doesn't want to talk to anybody else now and he's got massive anxiety, if he doesn't want you to help him with it, then he's not going to get help with it. And you can't force that on him, unfortunately. Well, fortunately or unfortunately, you know, unfortunately, I would say he's probably not happy right now, but you got to have him come to that realization, not just think, I'm happier now that I don't have to deal.

with anyone. It's hard sometimes. When there's something going on inside our own brain, it's hard for us to question whether or not our feelings are accurate. As Moran Serf said, don't believe everything you think. Sometimes our brains and bodies trick us, and this is one of those cases where that might be happening. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com

slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. All right. What else we got? Hey there, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. Congrats on the new baby and here's hoping you're getting some sleep. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years and on the verge of getting engaged. I know he's the one I want to marry, but I'm having some personal trust issues. I found a video that caught my eye on YouTube and got suspicious and proceeded to look at his search history. I fell down the jealousy vortex, and I know that was wrong of me.

This isn't the first time I've found some things he's looked up that have given me this feeling. Nothing weird or concerning, and we've talked about him watching porn or obsessing over pictures or videos of other women, including just on Instagram. When I brought it up to him this time, I remained extremely calm and tried not to embarrass him and try to truly understand. I think it's important to mention that I don't watch porn or have any outlet like that. It's not that I never have, but not since I've met him.

I believe that the less I expose myself to being sexually attracted to other men or porn, and the more I focus on him and us, the more we can gain in our relationship. Kind of like the more you avoid unhealthy foods, the better healthy food tastes. He told me he only does any of that stuff when we are away from one another because our jobs sometimes require us to spend a week or so apart. I can understand that, but I've told him many times that I'll do whatever fantasies he wants, take picks, role play, make videos, etc. So it hurts me because he doesn't ever ask or talk to me about it, so he's not giving me that opportunity.

He told me it's an escape for him. From a guy's perspective, why is it necessary to have an escape from a relationship that is perfectly willing to do it all? Is he just scared to be vulnerable enough to ask me? I am and have been battling with jealousy issues since we started dating. I think he could be a deeper cause. My relationship before him was a year of being tormented and mentally abused by my ex. He was manipulative, compulsive liar, and would hit on other girls in front of me, screen my calls when he was supposed to be home, etc., just to give you an idea.

In retrospect, I'm glad it was only a year, but it changed me. I feel like I've grown being with my current boyfriend, and he makes me a better person. I have no doubts for us being right for each other. But I want to give him the trust he deserves and shows me. But it's still really hard sometimes because I feel this jealousy. and almost a resentment against men in general. I truly want rid of it and to not care about these silly things anymore. I'm 6'1 in good shape, and I'd say I'm not a bad-looking gal.

I try to have positive self-talk and self-love, but I often feel like I carry myself with a layer of confidence on the outside, but I fall short on the inside. Do you have any advice for someone who wants to proactively be rid of jealousy issues? I've looked into seeing a therapist through BetterHelp, So I hope to find a way, but I really would appreciate yours and Jason's opinion, you being men, after all. I never want to tell him he can't watch any of it anymore because I know that's not realistic.

It needs to be his choice. Am I not open-minded enough? Or is it possible to have two people that choose to not expose themselves to what is so normalized nowadays? I don't see what's normal about getting off on someone that's not the person you're trying to commit yourself to. I just want bigger and better things. But maybe I'm too uptight and not being really.

realistic. Any tips or new perspectives are appreciated. Give it to me straight. Signed, the jelly monster. Well, like every relationship problem, this is a combination of your issues and also his. Oh, yeah. So there's a lot here. I will tell you this. Guys are biologically hardwired to look at everything, even things we're not even really interested in as far as mating potential. Looking is not the same thing as desiring and desiring isn't the same thing as cheating. And I think that's been lost on a lot of people these days. I'm not trying to make excuses for anybody's sort of like porn habits or, you know, sex addiction or whatever you want to call it, but that's not really what I'm seeing here, according to the details. It is realistic to have someone who doesn't

cheat on you, but it is not necessarily as realistic to have someone who never looks at anyone or anything else. And I know there's people right now who are like, oh, well, my significant other, he never, well, hold your, hold the phone here. Oh, hold your horses. Because you don't know that. Oh, I know. I would have known. Would you? Would you have known? If there's one thing that guys are good at, it's sort of, you know, keeping this stuff on the low because we don't want to deal with it. Yeah. Can we talk about the elephant in the room, though, with trust? Is that she's going through his search history. Yeah. That's a good point. You know, right there, she's breaking a lot of trust, which it goes both ways. And, you know, if he wants to talk about those things and he wants to bring it up, that's one issue. But if you're, you know, spying on him and looking at the things that he's looking at the things that he's looking at. out on the internet and then bringing those up, you're breaking the trust right there, which is going to put him against the wall and kind of make him defensive to start off with. Yeah, that's a good point, of course. And I think looking things up online is a little different because it is more proactive than simply turning your head to look at somebody in yoga pants at the grocery store,

but it's not infidelity. Right. And people go, oh, well, it's just one step closer. No, it really isn't. There are so many guys that would never cheat and have never cheated on their significant other that are so busy going to the grocery store and being like, man, the girl's here after yoga class. They're so great. It's not anything like, I don't love my wife anymore. I want to bang one of these girls. It's just not part of the dialogue. Right. That's not how it works. It's not how it works. Yeah. I'm not saying that you're feeling that way, but I think a lot of people do. You're not wrong about his behavior being a little bit off perhaps. but you're probably more sensitive to it because of your relationship history,

and good on you for going to therapy and trying to get through that and realizing that, like, the trust part is partially controlled by you and your perceptions. You should definitely let him know that it bothers you, but you should not seek to control his behavior or get overly emotional about it, which will probably just cause a fight. It sounds like you kind of know that already. As for this stuff being an escape for him, I don't know how in-depth your conversation got,

but you're kind of assuming, at least according to the letter, that he wants an escape from the relationship, when maybe that's not the case. Maybe he just de-stresses with a little bit of that and puts it in a completely separate compartment in his brain than his relationship and his feelings for you. Maybe he's just kind of like, oh, this is kind of cool. It doesn't mean like, wish my girlfriend would do that.

That's a totally different thing. There might be something that he's looking at that he would never want you to do, right? The other unpopular opinion here, among many in this question, is that guys look at porn for variety. We look at porn for variety. Regardless of how much you're attached to your partner,

men, again, are hardwired to look for mating opportunities wherever they can, wherever we can. This means variety. That wins the day. Variety matters biologically. This is what we are hardwired to do. Mate with as many women as possible. I know that's an unpopular opinion.

Oh, be civilized. Oh, that's not what we do in civilized society. Sorry, we have not evolved past that. We have made rules for that, but evolutionary science really begs to differ. And that's what's controlling the amygdala here. Or I should say, that's what the amygdala is telling us to do. It doesn't mean we have to follow it. We do have a rational, logical brain that says, hey, maybe you shouldn't bash somebody

over the head with a wooden stick, even though our brain wants to do it. But I don't think a lot of guys are really into controlling every single impulse they have, especially when they think it's harmless and when they feel it's harmless, or when it allows them to focus throughout their day. Porn satisfies this variety for a lot of men. So it doesn't matter if they're in a committed relationship with somebody who's willing to do whatever they want. It's not about willingness.

It's about variety. There's no real way around that, short of an open relationship or cheating. So you can indulge in this, or you can be completely pent up and not be able to indulge at all. And we've seen how that shakes out. Look at some of these conservative societies

where everything is pent up. I don't think we want that. I don't think you want that in your relationship. If it's not out of hand, and it's not all the time. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it, but you don't have to accept or adopt my opinion on this one. And if you're really concerned about this,

then therapy is definitely the way to go for yourself, as is open and honest communication with him about what his needs are and why he looks at this stuff. He might not even know, really. And, you know, he'll say, oh, it's kind of an escape. It's kind of, you know, it's an outlet. Be careful that the communication is two-way and not just attacking him for his porn habits and shaming him,

or he'll just simply hide his porn better like the rest of us. You know, if he thinks every time we talk about this, it's a problem, he's just going to stash it. You'll think, oh, problem solved, and he's going to have, you know, a VPN or whatever the hell he needs to have to make sure that he never has that conversation again. Because there's probably some shame attached to it as well,

especially if he's like, oh, my wife's going to be all upset about this. Remember, somewhere there's a guy in a committed relationship who saw your photo online or just saw you walk by and turned his head. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love his way. wife and is thinking about cheating on her, it just means that his hormones are still affecting his brain in the way that humans were evolved to do. I don't mean to make light of the problem at all. I think there's definitely something here that you guys can solve with therapy and communication, but I'm very hesitant to go and, I know you're not asking me to do this, but I'm also very

hesitant to go and like blame guys for looking at porn, which to me just seems so natural in so many ways. All right. Next up. Hey, Jordan Jason Jen. I'm being told I'm too good a guy, and women are ending dating me because they catch feelings faster than they're comfortable with. I know how crazy that sounds, and I don't totally buy it myself. My dating life is slow since I just don't meet many women. I don't really sweat it, but truth be told, there's some insecurity around that, which may lead to some pressure on me to really knock my dates out of the park. I'll go on a date and use my awkward charm. I'm awkward, like the nerd asking out the cheerleader, but confidently because I just embraced it. This is when I

turn on my romantic charm after I know they're interested. Then after a few more dates of them seemingly through the moon attracted to me, I get a random text from them saying, I've been holding back feelings for you and they scare me. I need to stop this before I get attached. Now, I would normally think this was an I'm not interested note. If it weren't for them genuinely going out of their way to constantly tell me how into me they are and even texting me cute romantic stuff in the middle of the night, this has been a streak of six women with the exact same story. I'm well and truly confused and obviously it's something on my end, so I reached out to friends for feedback. I get three general responses back. From my friends who know me well, I'm told that these girls are more of the usual crazy I have a long

history with. I was always the guy who attracted the overly enthusiastic women that would drop the L-bomb in the first couple weeks. There was a long streak of them. From women who I know that were never attracted to me and casual friends, they wonder what the real reason these girls don't like me is. Gotta say, I think I'm on their side. From the women who had a thing for me and I made my friends. They say I'm unrealistically good and women have a hard time believing I'm genuine because I'm so different from other men. They say the same thing as these dates. They were falling hard. I get similar feedback in new friendships that at first people have a hard time trusting me because I'm over-the-top kind.

I know everybody. I never have a bad thing to say and always have something to put a smile on somebody's face. Because what sane person uses every opportunity to make others feel more valued? Is it my filter or could it be my lack of meeting women? Am I too good or is my ego just taking the easy? easy route and I'm actually imagining they're into me. Should I actually dial back kindness? Little of column A, little of column B? I'm just trying to have a normal dating life and meet people, connect and embrace some romance along the way. Thank you for all you guys have taught me.

Signed, too far out of the park. This is an interesting question. This sort of reminds me of the types of questions I used to get on the show. Remember those, Jason? The sort of OG dating and relationship social dynamics questions here. Oh yeah, they're burned into my brain forever. Yeah, I bet. Yeah. Your intuition here. my friend is probably correct. I agree with your close friends that you probably are dating, according to Hugh, some of the usual crazy that you have a long history with. You're attracted to overly enthusiastic women that would drop the L bomb in the first couple of weeks, and you've got a long streak and long history of this. Because most women aren't going to go, oh, this guy's just

too good for me. There are a couple exceptions to this rule. Unless you are dating way under your league. If you're really dating down, so to speak, then yeah, you might get somebody who has low self-esteem saying, you're too good for me, I'm just going to end up getting hurt. I'd rather break up with you before you break up with me, which is inevitable because I'm not worthy of you. That's, unless you're dating somebody with that kind of mindset, you're probably not dealing with that. What you're probably dealing with is the other scenario, which is they're trying to let you down easy. So your job is to figure out which one this is. Otherwise, she's got to let you down hard and could cause damage.

And women, especially when they do break up with you, they are often trying to see what they can do to avoid conflict. That is a very sort of role-specific thing. And a lot of people do that when they break up. Women especially do this when they break up. So you've got to ask yourself, which one is it? Is it because you're dating way down or because they're trying

to let you down easy? If they're trying to let you down easy, which is what I think it is, you might be bringing this on because you're becoming too relationship-y too quickly and you're freaking them out a bit, right? you're becoming a little bit too much too soon. Close friends tell you one thing, and that makes sense, and you kind of know it's true,

and then you have this other option that makes you feel better. Oh, well, maybe I'm just killing it, knocking it out of the park, and they're getting scared, no. If we take ego out of this, which one of these scenarios do you think is true? That's what you've got to ask yourself. So I think they're trying to let you down easy. You may also be telling a lot of these women that you're dating what they want to hear, and it's coming across as inauthentic.

But even then, you wouldn't be getting broken up with by a ton of women all the time. Some women would stay because you're telling them what they want to hear and they really like it. I mean, that's just a human thing to stay with people like that, at least for a little while. Maybe you're dating down. Maybe you're dating well below your status. I don't know, but it's definitely one of those two things. So the solution here is to increase the quality of the people that you date, if you are indeed dating people well underneath your league, so to speak.

You can meet some people that are maybe a little bit higher quality by volunteers. doing some charity work, but I again suspect that that is not the problem. I think you're getting too relationship-y. If you're doing that, ask yourself why you are doing it. A lot of guys do this initially because they see it in movies. A lot of guys are guilty of this, especially guys with maybe limited social experience when they're really young. They see movies and they're like, this is how it's done. They see that in movies and they try to replicate that and it doesn't work.

Or guys will do it to retain women because they think, oh, if I really knock it out of the park early, then it'll take her longer or maybe to figure out that I'm not all it's cracked up to be, or you're doing something else that's needy. And when you come across as needy, you push people away. I think you're probably doing too much too soon, and they don't want to tell you that because either they're not exactly aware of the problem

or they don't want you to feel bad because you are being really nice. So they flip it around, turn it on themselves, and say, oh, well, the reason is because you're too good and I don't want to catch feelings, so I have to detach. That really, though, is probably not exactly how they're feeling. I think they're trying to avoid conflict.

So ask yourself why you're becoming too relationship-y, too soon, too romantic, too soon. Why is that the case? Why are you doing that in your relationships? It's got to have something to do with your needs and the way you perceive other people's needs. And I think once you attack that root cause, you can stop the behavior

that's causing you to sabotage your relationships. It's such a classic, oh, it's not you, it's me. Yeah, it really is exactly that. It's not you, it's me. And you know that when people say that, it's you. It's actually them. Yeah, because for a relationship that you really like, you will rearrange your whole life. Mm-hmm.

Right? Very few circumstances. I'm sure there are circumstances where it's not you, it's me, where it's like, hey, I thought I wanted a relationship. Turns out I only want a career and to sleep with someone sometimes. Like, that can be a thing where someone breaks up with you and doesn't want a relationship. But usually it's, I don't want a relationship with you for some reason that I don't want to get into because you're just going to get mad or sad.

That's the usual set of circumstances. Definitely. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this. Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. And now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. Next step.

Hi, team. I work in politics. And as you may have noticed, it's election season. There's a lot riding on this one and we have a chance to make history. Obviously, making history isn't easy, and we all need our teams pushing hard if we're going to win. Herein lies the problem. For lots of local teams, a significant portion of their volunteers love to, quote-unquote, help out on the campaign by doing things that don't move the needle. They'll sit around the campaign office having strategy meetings and obsessing over messaging all day,

but they won't do the things that actually win elections, like making phone calls and knocking on doors. Yes, that still works. clear, we're always grateful for any time a volunteer gives us. They make the political world go round. But it's so, so, so frustrating to see campaigns failing because volunteers are more concerned with feeling like backroom players. How can we convince volunteers over whom we have no formal authority to get their butts in gear and attack the points of highest leverage? And for those who think that coming out once every two weeks is enough, how can we get them out more often? Cheers! signed a frustrated volunteer wrangler.

I think if I had these people in my office, I would just politely, probably one-on-one so it doesn't seem like you're shaming or try to discipline someone over whom you have no authority. I'd say something like, look, I really love that you come here and help out. We love that you're interested in the campaign. What moves the needle for us is knocking on doors. What moves the needle for us is boots on the ground. You know, it's great that you're coming in and you're discussing things and you're very proud to do that. If you can do that sort of thing elsewhere in public, getting new people

to be convinced that our way is the best way, that's more helpful than tossing the ball back and forth among other people in the office. In fact, what works and what doesn't is ABC, you know, just go through the line of the things that they're doing and the things that don't work and the things that do. You can just be polite about it and you can explain the stakes. Be honest and straightforward about what works and what doesn't. And call out the backroom player thing. Yes, I know you want to feel included, and I totally get it, but this is not going to move the needle for us. This is not what wins elections. Sitting back here and drinking Shasta or LaCroix and talking about what you would do if you were in touch, if you were in charge of the campaign, that does not do

anything to win the election. Again, we're grateful for your time, but if you really want to help out, this is the way that you help out. And sure, some people will be like, how dare you? I donated $20 last week. It's like, great. You know, you're not responsible for their feelings. You have no authority. The best thing next to that is honesty. Once people are interested in helping the way to make them feel like part of the team, I would have a tight-knit group of the volunteers but keep it exclusive only to people that are doing the groundwork. You know, the people who are making calls, the people who are going door to door. In other words, the guys sitting in the back eating all your friggin granola bars, they don't get to go to drinks with the street team.

They're on another tier. The street team, they're the foot soldiers. They should be respected by the people at all levels, right? The middle players are the least important people in this case, the people who are managing spreadsheets with funds or just talking about strategy. I'm sort of, Jason, imagining these people coming into the office and being like, oh, hey, there's my buddy. I'm going to distract somebody who's doing something and talk about, oh, if we just get this county and then we do this thing and then we have town halls here, they think they're helping, but they're just actually distracting people who might otherwise be productive. Yeah, they were like last night they watched too many episodes of the West Wing and they're like, hey man, let's just try this one out.

Right. Or they're just coming in and they're distracting each other and they're taking up airspace. They're making a longer wait for the bathroom. They're drinking the drinks in the fridge. They're actually, I know you say you're grateful for volunteers help. They're not helping at all, most likely. They're not helping even a little bit most likely because they're just taking up space and distracting. So I don't think you should tell them that, but I think you should tell them honestly what will help.

And if they think they're being helpful by sitting around and talking strategy, you should say, look, that's nice that you care, but it does nothing for the campaign. And if they think that's rude, oh well, good, never come back. I mean, maybe that's just me. I'm not going to come back and sit around and chat anymore and take up everyone's seat and distract everyone. Okay, good. Don't come back and chit chat with everybody. You know, we're at work here.

You're not at work. You're a freaking spectator. You've decided to do nothing. Getting people out more often, this will happen as people develop an affinity for the campaign through their own investment of work. So in other words, if you get them on the street, this problem starts to take care of itself in a way. Those that don't come back,

well, they never really wanted to help in the first place. They wanted to sit around and feel like they were doing something without having to put a jacket on and go walk outside. So let me know how that goes and keep those guys away from my granola bars. Granola's for closers. Granola is for closers only. That's right. All right, Jason, what else we got?

Hello, Jay Squadron. I'm halfway through the second year of building my business. Since moving to my town, I've been connected with the startup ecosystem, including a diverse cast of mentors with experience at all levels of many industries. I'm constantly told that I need to meet with mentors, but I've gotten a lot of terrible advice from them. One person told me not to do the one marketing activity that generated 70% of my sales this summer, for example.

Is there any value to just going through the motions with mentors? I can imagine asking people for advice makes them feel good and smart, and this could be a reasonable way to build relationships. I hate meeting with people and hearing bad advice, though. Should I just hermetically seal myself in the office and grind it out until I hit a wall that I can't see any way around? Sincerely, tired of mediocre mentors. So the first thing to clarify is we're not actually sure who these mentors are.

It sounds like maybe they're assigned to you or something. But if they're not assigned to you, stop meeting with them. They're wasting your time and their bad thinking can easily have. you second-guessing yourself in areas where you don't need to be doing that, like marketing and sales. I'm not sure if these are mentors that are assigned by maybe like an incubator or somebody else in a business ecosystem. It sounds like these are people that you just met because you were looking for mentors in some way. You're right. Asking people for advice is a great way to build relationships. You can ask for advice from a lot of people to build relationships

and get different inputs, but it really doesn't matter if you follow it or not. If you follow the advice or not. I give advice all the time. The companies I advise don't always follow it. I'm not hurt by this. In fact, if you have someone give you advice and they get emotional when you don't follow it, that's an issue that they need to deal with. And with few exceptions, you do not need that person as an advisor. Do they want to be in the business and have authority? Great, they should work for you then. They should work for you if you want them to have some authority. You can give them equity as an advisor. They can be responsible for something.

They can be an employee in the company. If you're just seeking advice from them and you don't follow it and then they get pissed off, the only time that that can possibly be justified is if you run into a problem because you didn't follow their advice and they said, I knew this problem was going to happen. I told you to avoid it. And then they give you advice on how to solve it and then you ignore that and the problem gets worse. That would be frustrating, right?

Because then they're just wasting your time or you're just wasting your time or you're just wasting their time. But if these are people that say, oh, you shouldn't do this and then you do it and they're like, oh, so what? I guess that was wrong. Well, you know, who knows? I'm going to get mad that you don't follow my advice. I mean, these people are, they do not need to be anywhere near your business. Like you, I hate meeting with people and hearing bad advice. To that end, here are two things you might consider. One, you will never have a life free of bad advice from others. Even if you don't ask for any advice, you're going to get bad unsolicited advice. It's just a thing. be a waste of your time, but it's tough to be in the business world or any world and only be

surrounded by good advice. If everyone else knew what you were supposed to do, they'd have done it already and you wouldn't have a job or a company. Two, you don't actually need to meet and spend significant time with any of these people. You can use the phone, you can text, you can use slack, you can use smoke signals. You don't have to see them face to face at all and dedicate time to that to maintain the relationship. So if you've got somebody who you think this is a good connection for me, but the advice sucks. Text them once a month to see how they're doing. Or if you're in the neighborhood, swing by and grab a cup of coffee or a beer, you don't have to ask them for advice that you know is going to be bad. I'd say that you can also ask for

advice as you need it. For me, I rarely, rarely ask for specific business advice from a mentor. I mostly ask for life, parenting, marriage, and other advice from those people, as those are more universal experiences. I don't really know too many folks doing what I'm doing and familiar enough with the specifics of the business I'm in to give me good advice all of the time. So I don't really ask for specific business advice from those people almost ever. Part of having mentors and advisors is knowing when to listen to them and when to take a different path based on your own judgment. If they were in charge, they would be the ones running the business. All right, Jason, what else?

Hi, J-Team. I recently interviewed for a yoga teaching gig at a woman's clinic in a nearby city. The commute would be about 20 minutes each way. As a yoga teacher, I do a lot of driving here and there for classes, and I'm hoping to lessen the number of days a week I'm commuting. Currently, it's four days a week for 45 to 60 minutes one way. I know it's crazy. I spend a lot of time driving.

The good news is that the studio I trained at and currently teach at is soon opening an affiliate in my city, five minutes down the street. So here's my problem. Before the local studio was finalized, I agreed to take on this teaching gig at the Women's Clinic. The pay is $10 less per class than my current rate, but they're offering back-to-back classes to help make it worth my time. I was never a hell yes for this opportunity, but needed to boost my income for a couple months until I found more suitable long-term gigs. The classes are early in the morning and I'm not a morning person. The clinic has advertised the class as a six-week registration, and the more I think about it, the more I just don't want to do it.

With the studio opening locally, there will be an opportunity for me to take on more classes and potentially a part-time studio manager role. I want to be as available as possible to prove my value to the studio owner as the studio opens. I've already had a conversation with the owner around the studio manager position, and we left it that we'll contact once again once the doors open and once she has a better idea around how many hours will be needed. Currently, I also work part-time at a multinational company as their fitness and wellness coordinator in-house. How do I, or do I, quit the women's clinic? So far, only two people have registered for the later class and no one for the early class. I foresee far more opportunity with a local studio,

and since I'm not that interested in the women's clinic long term, how do you suggest I proceed? Signed, don't want to burn bridges. All right, couple options to consider here. I'm going to outline what I would do and in what order. So one, I would call the women's clinic and tell them your situation. Literally explain to them that you have a closer opportunity that's better for you, more convenient, et cetera. Two, tell them you see a lack of registrations for the yoga classes, which they have contracted you for, which would probably make it a financial loss for the center to have you in and pay you and run anyway. Also, it costs them money to open their facility at that hour if it's not even going to be used. Three,

What they would like you to do. If you drop the gig, are you leaving them in a lurch? Can you make up the slack somehow? Maybe you can reschedule the class, or maybe they want you to do something else, maybe they don't want it at all. If you are leaving them high and dry, then just do the six weeks.

It's gonna be a pain. Let the new gig know why you can't do this in the morning. You gotta do this other thing that you promised. And what you can say is, look, I don't break my promises and I agreed to this. I don't wanna leave this women's center hanging and you would expect the same for me as an employee. Any prospective employer will respect this because they know that's the treatment

they are going to get. So I would much rather hire somebody who has integrity rather than somebody who just broke the agreement with somebody else because I offered him $5 more per hour or whatever it was. That's just not good. It's like that genuine song. If you cheated on him, why won't you do it to me? Right. So you have to show the original contractor or the original employer that respect that you think your new employer would want to see from you. If they're open to you switching to the other gig, then you're good. From my perspective, you actually have a really good chance of getting what you want. For all you know, the manager of that women's center is sitting around lamenting how she's hired you for a yoga class and nobody's signed up, but she doesn't

want to screw you over by canceling it because she already agreed to the deal. You don't know until you try, and putting your cards on the table is a great way to negotiate without angering your current employer. Props to you for being aware of the situation and not just doing whatever you want, but being considerate of all parties. That's a mature and healthy way to think about these types of problems. And I think both parties that you're negotiating with are going to be happy and impressed with you for laying your cards out on the table. Life Pro tip of the week, squeeze your fist really hard to prevent gag reflex. I never heard this before, but it totally works. This is great for when you're polishing your tongue.

From a doctor. Is it so kind of weird euphemism? I mean, you know, it's gag reflex can be, when there's a tongue depressor in your mouth, you know, you just squeeze your fist really hard. Or when you're scraping your tongue and if you gag a lot, just squeeze your fist really hard. From the doctor perspective, the main reason for gag reflexes is that the junction between your hard palate and your soft palate is so sensitive and it tends to reflex when stimulated.

So the palate is your upper part of your mouth. and to prevent it, you'll have to breathe mainly from your mouth while the doctor is examining and distract yourself. So that's why often your doctor will ask you to raise your hand and then raise your left hand or whatever, just to distract you from what they're doing back in your gullet there. And so squeezing your fist really hard, if you have a really sensitive gag reflex,

will often do the trick. Let me know if you're somebody that can't do something without gagging and this fist squeeze trick is working for you too. I'm curious about it because for me, I, there's no way to say this without coming out weird. I don't need this trick. Damn it. Moving right along.

Recommendation of the week. Speaking of a gag reflex. Mr. Rogers. Speaking of, worst transition ever, man. There's a documentary on HBO called Won't You Be My Neighbor? So good. It's a really good look at America's favorite neighbor, Fred Rogers. So it's a documentary.

He was a minister, as a puppeteer, as a writer, producer. He came up with the idea for that show, and it was just beamed into homes across America for more than 30 years. I grew up with it. A lot of people before and after me grew up with it. It was a view on how television could be used as a positive force in society. That's actually how he came up with this. So Fred Rogers, Mr. Rogers, and his cast of puppets and friends spoke directly to young kids.

And it was really, I look back at this documentary and I go, that's right. He talked about death. He talked about divorce. There just hasn't been anything like Mr. Rogers on television before, and there really hasn't been anything since. And if you don't know who Mr. Rogers is, well, I feel bad for you. You know, he was, if you grew up in the 60s, the 70s, the 80s, and possibly even the early

90s, I'm not even sure, then you know and you grew up with Mr. Rogers. So it's kind of a big deal. I thought there's just a fascinating documentary on HBO. We'll link to it in the show notes. And if you don't have HBO, maybe you can find it elsewhere. online. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at Jordanharbinger.com. And if you want to come to prison with us, email me, prison at jordanharbinger.com. Again, it'll be around a grand,

maybe a little bit more, plus travel, and it will be a worthy experience. It'll be a lot of fun. You can come from wherever you are. Don't worry. A lot of people are like, can Canadians go? Yes, you can go. We don't need your passport to go into the facility. And it'll be just outside Reno, Nevada. Jason, I don't know if you remember last week we talked about about the Bump app, which never worked, it isn't even in the app store anymore. Yeah. This guy, Jason Wolkowitz, he created an iOS app

to share contact and many other types of information in QR codes. It was a side project, just kind of a basic QR program. Most modern phones have a QR reader in the camera, so it works on iOS, it works on most Android devices or any QR reader program. It can be set up to include contextual information, so your contact knows where they met you, et cetera.

And you could throw your business cards, in there, your info in there, your contact info, and it's really cool. You just bring it up on your phone and anybody just turns on their camera and your camera says, add Jordan Harbinger as a contact, and all your info is contained in there. Nice. Yeah, really cool. So anytime you meet someone new, you just pop this thing open and they pop open their camera, hover over the code and the prompt appears right on the screen. It's really, really cool. The app is called InfoShare QR and it's one word and we'll link to it in the show notes. Go back and check out the guests, Mike Row and Maron Surf, if you haven't yet, those are super interesting episodes from this week.

And if you want to know how we managed to book all these great guests, we've got a huge network of people that I manage using systems and tiny habits. Check out our six-minute networking course, which is free. That's over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. And don't wait, don't do it later. If you procrastinate, you will stagnate. And the number one mistake I see people make with this is not digging the well before you get thirsty.

You've got to do this. You can't be the person who calls when you need something. That's very transparent and everyone hates you for that. I'm not even kidding. These drills take a few minutes per day. Ignore it at your own peril. I wish I knew this 20 years ago. And the best time to know this is 20 years ago, the second best time is right now.

It's a free course, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are at Jordanharbinger.com slash YouTube. Jason? You can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at GOG. Or follow me on Twitter at JPDF or Instagram at JPD. This show is created in association with podcast one,

and this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jace Sanderson. Show notes for this episode are by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to Friday atjordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own, and yes, I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show.

Remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipe. Very excited for the things. future here. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast. If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dishwashing and go, wait, what that actually happened? You got to subscribe to what

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Their site even has photos so you know even the most bizarre stuff you're hearing is somebody's real life. Listen to what was that like on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or whatever app you're using right now. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast, focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like

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Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.