The Jordan Harbinger Show - 278: My Mother Lied About Our Father's Death | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

When you were kids, you and your brother moved to the other side of the country with your mother and stepfather not long after your parents divorced. You never saw your father again, and believed your mother when she said that he and his mother -- your grandmother -- had died. Fast forward to now. You and your brother are adults, and he's got a bombshell to drop: your grandmother is still alive, and your father only recently passed away. Feeling betrayed, you've pieced together your mother and stepfather's systematic strategy to estrange you from your dad's side of the family (who, by the way, tried to find you over that time without success) -- and you're angry. You feel robbed of the time you could have spent with them, and you're wondering how you should raise the issue with your mother -- or if you should. This is obviously a sensitive situation, but we'll do our best to help you with this and more on the latest Feedback Friday. And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/278. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Interested in doing some prison time with Jordan next February? It's filling up fast; reach out to [e-mail] for details! When you have to cover for your kid's friend's expenses on a movie and pizza night because his mom neglected to provide him with any cash, is it wrong for you to expect his mother to recompensate you for those expenses even though she works two jobs and says you look like you can afford it? Your 80-year-old grandmother insists on bringing your bedridden and nonverbal father home instead of putting him in a place where he can get the constant care he needs. Putting your grandmother's strong will aside, what's the most responsible call to make here? As kids, you and your brother moved across the country with your mom when your parents divorced. Until recently, you never saw your dad's side of the family again because, your brother recently discovered, your mom lied about your father and your grandmother's deaths. How do you confront your mother -- or should you? You have a serious case of wanderlust. You have no debt, no children, and above average savings. But your friends and family look at you like you're insane whenever you mention leaving a job you love in order to travel. You know that the amazing experiences will be worth it, but can't help but wonder: are you crazy? You work in an incredibly cutthroat sales company where only 10%-15% of employees hired retain their employment, and you're in that top 15%. But you don't love your job and only stick around because you've got the "golden handcuffs" to keep you tethered. You're an underperforming... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFilippo. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. And this week, we had Admiral Stavridis talking about the voyage of character. We're overweight in thinking about leadership and underweight in thinking about character, why creativity and innovation are important for leaders. And the principles he follows when top military brass make decisions. that put people in harm's way. And of course, we talked a lot about the recent Syria situation

and some meditations on single malt, scotch, whiskey. Great conversation with just an amazing warrior scholar that I think you'll enjoy. We also spoke with Neil Pasricha. With Neil, we talked about untouchable days, which are incredibly productive. We touched on resilience and something called the failure budget

and how that can help us make big strides in our ability to try new things. And of course, a little bit of cognitive bias mixed in there as well. So have a listen to everything we created for you this week. Our primary mission here on the Jordan Harbinger show is to pass along our guests and our own experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you wherever possible, and that's what we're going to do

today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I want to place just one brick in the structure that makes up your life, and that's really what this whole podcast is all about. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. If you want to come to prison with us, details are forming up about that. It's going to come in under a thousand bucks plus travel and lodging, and it's going to be a great life-changing experience. If you want to join us on the prison trip, get on the interest list and get some details. Prison at Jordan Harbinger.com. All right, Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hi, guys.

My eight-year-old son and five of his friends had plans to go to the movies. I was driving them and taking them to pizza afterwards. Each kid came with money to buy a movie ticket and most came with money to kick in for pizza. I grew up lower middle class and the rule was bring money if you're going over to do something like movies, ice cream, et cetera, or don't go. If we didn't have the money, my parents just wouldn't send me unless it was someone we knew very well. But I've grown up and done pretty well for myself, so I don't know if there's a social norm I'm not aware of, because growing up, I only knew people like me and my family. One of the kids didn't bring money for a ticket or pizza. Of course I paid

for him, but when his mom came, I said privately, oh, in the movie was $12, figuring that she didn't want to send her kid with a random amount of cash to keep track of and pay me after. She said she works two jobs and times are tight, and I seemed like someone who didn't need $12 from her. That kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know. Maybe this is totally nuts of me, but I've always sent my son with money if she's the one taking them to the movies or whatever, and I don't see why I shouldn't expect the same. I said, well, that's fine for tonight, but next time I hope you'll talk to me in advance. She said, what? Do you expect me to beg? You can't just be kind to my son who's in a less fortunate position than yours? So I said he's your son, not mine. Next time

either send him with enough money for whatever we're doing or don't send him at all. But I'm realizing this is my first time coming at this situation as someone who's well off. So I don't know anymore what the expectation is. Was I wrong? Thanks for any insight. Signed chauffeur, not banker. Ooh, yeah, gnarly one. So I see both sides here. It doesn't mean I agree with both sides. I actually agree with chauffeur, not banker, that this isn't something you have to do for another kid. I do understand the other mom's side. She doesn't want to have to send the kid with money she doesn't have or have her kids stay home when she can't.

But, you know, it sounds a lot like she sent you to take care of her kid and take her kid out to a movie and pizza and then just didn't think that that was something she had to reimburse you for because you have money and she doesn't, which is kind of crappy and entitled. What I would do in this situation, I would pay personally because it's otherwise the kid who gets punished. The other mom is definitely acting entitled.

you do not have to pay for other people's stuff just because you have more money. You can do it, and in my opinion, look, you should be generous to others where you can, but you should not be expected and you do not have to do it, especially not because another parent expects you to. I think that's out of line. Generosity is something you need to be inspired or self-motivated to do. It's not something that's required of you just because you've been fortunate and have worked yourself into a better financial situation.

So you're not wrong here at all. I think really if the other mom had said, thank you so much, I'm going to have trouble paying for this. Maybe next time, you know, let me know how much it is and I'll see if I can afford to do it and not to get all indignant about it. I think that's where she made mistake number of three, four, or five. So you're not wrong here. I do agree with you, but just try to remember who gets the short end of the stick at the end of the day. It's going to be a kid. And I know the counter argument is, well, if a kid, you know, is being sheltered, then he needs to know.

Trust me, poor kids know when they're poor. They don't have to be reminded of it all the damn time. And I think that $12 and kindness goes a long way. He's not necessarily going to know that the reason he's, I just, I don't know, I'm trying to, Jason, help me out here because I'm trying to imagine this kid going to school Monday, hearing all the kids went to go see Batman and eat pizza and he didn't get to go. He doesn't know it's because my mom doesn't have money. He thinks, oh, nobody likes me.

Yeah, this is definitely a tough situation. And I think the other mother handled it completely wrong. Yeah. She should have been thankful saying thank you so much for taking him and we're just in a rough patch right now and I'll try to hit you up in the future. But to come back with saying what you want me to beg, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not how you do it. That is not how you do it. You'd be thankful for what this person has done for you and your kid, babysitting him as well as feeding him and showing him a good time.

You don't get all indignant about it and higher and mightier than thou. Yeah, it wasn't even asking her to beg. She just feels insecure about her slot in life, and she's like, oh, you want me to tell you that I can't afford to send him or ask how much money it is? That's how money works? When you're in a tough spot, you say, how much is this and can I afford it? In fact, I do that when I'm going to buy something when I'm making a big purchase. Yes, sending a kid to pizza and a movie is not a big purchase. Well, for some people, it is, you know?

Right, right. If you're going to make it out to be a big purchase when it comes time to actually pay someone back, then it is a big purchase for you and you should treat it accordingly. you should say, how much is this going to be? $12, okay, I think we can do it this time, but next time I'm probably not going to be able to do it. Or can I pay you $10 now and the other $2 next week because I'm on a tight, I'm tight right now. Like, you have to work this out.

You're the adults. You have to tell your kid, hey, we're in a tight spot and we can't do it. Don't leave it up to other parents to disappoint your kid or make the choice to have to pay for your kid's stuff. That's just not fair. You're outsourcing your own stress to your kid and you're making a bigger problem for him later because now what are the odds that he's going to get invited

even if the other kids do want to invite him? Oh, my mom said you can't come. Why? Yeah. Right? Like, now you're putting everybody in a tough spot because you don't want to admit. It's not that you don't even want to admit it.

It's that you want to talk about it later, parent to parent, not beforehand because you know your kid's already gotten what he wants. This is manipulative kind of weird stuff going on here. Yeah, definitely. That's the skeezy part about it. She's like, okay, well, the kids got the pizza. He's seen the movie.

Now I'm just going to try and sneak out of here. But if I was the one that was put in this situation with the money and the one that was taking them there, I think that I'm knowing what I know now from how she explained the situation, I think it would be who've chauffeur not banker to sit down with the other mother and say, look, I know you're in a bad position, didn't mean to offend you. I can't pay for your kid all the time. But if there's something big going on and he really wants to go and you can't afford it, talk to me first and we'll see if we can work something out. Exactly. The problem is the kid's mom is not really necessarily thinking about him.

Yeah. Right? She's playing short game. She's like, oh, I'm going to trick other parents into buying you something on Saturday. But then you don't get it invited back. Now you're the outcast.

It's your mom's fault. Nobody's going to tell you that because they don't want to make her look bad because they're decent people. And now you're in this weird sort of situation. For me, if I knew that someone was a single mom with two jobs, I would not be like, yeah, the pizza was $12.

I'd be like, don't worry about it. And then on some day off where she's hanging out with her kid, I'd be like, hey, you want to watch the kids, for a bit, not a big deal. There are ways to work this out and make this equitable or just not worry about it. But the second you act entitled, like, people owe you something, oh, man, you are just, you're not doing it right. You are doing it so wrong. Yeah, it seems like there were failures on both sides of the conversation here. Yeah, maybe. All right, what's next?

Hey, Triple J. Earlier this year, my dad had an accident and is suffering from a traumatic brain injury. He's been in a nursing home for almost a year in a coma-like state, and there's no sign of him ever improving. He's in his mid-50s and has three kids, including myself. My grandma, a widow of three years, has been overly negative about the whole situation, petty with care, and selfish about her views regarding his future. We understand she's mourning, but we all are, and now there seems to be a power struggle because my mom and family have accepted the situation of him in the nursing home. My grandma is hell-bent on bringing him home, which none of us want because he's bedridden and non-verbal, so he needs total around-the-clock care. I'm a nurse, but I'm married and

live an hour away, so I wouldn't be able to care for him. I'm in an unhealthy situation because my grandma calls me to vent because nobody else is talking to her due to her negativity. She constantly rants about how my family doesn't love my dad because we won't bring him home, which is definitely not true. She's offered to care for him in her home, but we aren't comfortable with that because she's 80 years old and unable to realistically take care of him. The nursing home isn't perfect, but the care is generally good, but my grandma refuses to see that. She even trash talks about my mom's decisions to me, and I'm sick of it. I don't know how to get out of the situation and family drama. Would love to hear some advice. Thanks very much. Leave my dad alone.

Well, first things first, on a personal note, I am very sorry to hear about this. This sounds so stressful, but remember, you also have a responsibility to yourself and to your own family, not just to your grandma. It sounds like the best thing for your dad is the nursing home, and that trumps whatever grandma wants out of her own situation. and her own emotions here. I think some of this might be your grandma projecting her own wishes of what she will want for herself. Just bear that in mind. You know, maybe she's afraid to get put in a nursing home, so she's like, well, if I dig my heels in now and it's about my son, then they'll get the picture, right, and it won't just be me being resistant. So there's maybe some of that

going on. Also, you're right. She is in mourning, but you're really taking the brunt of it. Does she have other kids she can vent to? Other grandkids she can vent to anyone? You aren't required, in addition to your job, your father, your marriage, and the rest of your family, to be somebody else's personal punching bag because they're upset about something and they're not dealing with it constructively. I want to repeat that. You have other obligations to yourself, your job, your marriage, the rest of your family, you don't have to be giving attention to the person who's clamoring for it the most. I know you want to be there for everyone. And I'm far less worried about your grandma than I am about you. You need to draw boundary here with grandma. Maybe don't pick up the

phone every time she's in a huff. You can call back the next day if you want, or you can answer every other phone call instead of each phone call, whatever it is. When everyone else in the family is on the same page aside from one person who in turn won't take healthy support from the rest of the family, you don't have to rearrange your entire life around them. If she's willing, it might be worth bringing a grief counselor to your grandma. She probably won't want to do it, but maybe it's time to pay her a visit with the family and a trained professional to help her deal with this. Right? now she's controlling you with guilt. And this is very unhealthy for you. And as much as I feel for her, and this must be hard, you have to maintain your own sanity and your own emotional health because

the rest of your family, they need you too. I really do hope you get some peace. And I can't imagine what you're going through with all of this. So hugs from San Jose and take care of yourself, too. Don't forget. Often we're last in line when it comes to this. And you can't be last in line for self-care because nobody else is going to provide that for you. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard,

visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to Jordan Harbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. Okay. What's next?

Hey, Jay Crew. My brother called me a couple of weeks ago, very upset with our mother because he just figured out that she kept our father from us. He vows never to speak to her again and is searching for answers. I've never had a good relationship with my mother, so none of this surprises me, and I figured it out a while ago. Our parents got divorced and our mom remarried right away. Then our stepdad moved us from the Midwest to California.

We never heard from our father again. Our father passed away in 2010, and our mother told me about a year later that our grandmother, which was his mom, passed away as well. However, that wasn't the case. We found my 96-year-old grandmother in a nursing home in our hometown. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, that's nuts, eh? Yeah, holy moly.

My brother's in driving distance and went to see her. He also went and saw other family members who say they tried to contact us and find us, but it always was a dead end. I'm mad, he's mad, and we both feel like we've lost out. We've missed time and so much more. My mom and stepdad pretty much erased that side of the family culture and religion from us. So how do we confront our mother? Or should we?

How do we try to reestablish a relationship with our dad's side of the family? Thanks. Orphan with a big family. Wow, this is also pretty heavy. I am so sorry. This is so heartbreaking. I would recommend speaking to a professional to just begin processing this. It's like the damage is done.

My initial take is talk with mom. Ask her why. Try to understand. See if there's any information. about the situation that you're missing and then decide if your mom and stepdad were truly wrong. I mean, it's hard to find a scenario in which they weren't. But if so, the next question is whether to forgive them,

cut her off, cut them off. It's a very personal decision. I would not do it without hashing this out with a professional. Any sort of knee jerk here is gonna cause more damage. You know, did she do it for a reason that she regrets? Is she contrite now? Does she admit it was a mistake?

Was there a really good reason that she kind of validly assumed was going to be bad for you? Maybe that, maybe it was, I don't want to say anything negative about your dad. I don't know, the guy. Maybe something else was going on. Or is she still pulling shady stuff? All of this matters, in my opinion. And I agree that sharing your hurt and sadness with your mother is a good idea.

Practice, write it down, write down what you'll say. It's fine to communicate in writing if that's easier to articulate your thoughts. Also helpful to practice this with a therapist. As far as building relationships with your dad's side of the family, that seems a lot simpler. Reach out if you want, explain the situation, see if they're receptive. If they are, great. I agree trying to establish a relationship

with your dad's side of the family is probably a good idea. Even if he was just a horrible person, you know, for some reason, then you still can know your extended family. Doesn't mean everybody on that side has the same issues, you know, as him, if he had any. Follow that sense. Explore a little.

It sounds like you feel a huge gap in your family, the culture, the religion. Ask the family members you're in contact with, you know, your 96-year-old grandmother, get names, get contacts for your dad's potential other living, siblings, partners, children, etc. And reach out and share what has happened. Share your desire to learn more about your father and his family and be okay with the fact that some might reply and some might not. Maybe they're going to blame you.

Maybe they're over it. I think this just comes down to what do you want? Oh, and if you don't cut off your mom and stepdad, even if you decide not to cut them off, you do have a right to be mad as hell and let them know it. I'm not saying you should just forget about this. I'm not saying your options are cut them off and never talk to them again or pretend like nothing happened. You can be super pissed off about this, even if you do decide to keep your relationship with them. And over time, let the anger you feel towards your mom continue to process,

get some therapy, journal it out, find places to put that anger. You know, ask yourself what the most positive relationship you can envision with your mother really is, and aim for that as best as you can. Again, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I can only begin to imagine how you feel having this type of breach of trust without any sort of explanation, and then finding out the way that you did, and then finding out that you can't go back and talk with your dad. I mean, he's gone now. I'd be so pissed and sad and just confused. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for trusting me with this one. This is really a dozy. Jason, what's next? Hi, JJ and Jay. I have a serious case of wanderlust. I'm in my mid-30s and have had a successful

career in the tech industry for the past 16 years. I also love to travel and I'm out in the wilderness every chance I get. Last year, I took a couple weeks to go on a long trip, my longest vacation since high school. It felt wonderful, making me realize there's more to life than a nine to five. I like my job and have been with the company for about five years. I work remotely and feel my salary and flexibility is great, but I'm struggling with the Monday through Friday schedule and limited vacation time. While I'm grateful for my career, I find myself increasingly resenting it and dreaming of taking off on a long trip to the wild places of the world while I'm still young and healthy. I have no debt, no children, and above average savings. I know that travel brings amazing experiences. However, the

idea of being unemployed scares me. My friends and family look at me like I'm insane whenever I mention it, and I'm worried about screwing myself by a potential gap on my resume. Both you and Jason traveled extensively. Do you have any things to consider in ways to minimize long-term career and financial risk when taking six months to a couple years off of work? Or is it a go-for? Or is it a go-for? it and you'll figure it out later kind of thing. Sincerely, no internet's in the woods. Well, I love this. If you're looking for my permission to go travel,

then you got it, man. Mine too, absolutely. I think you're talking to the right guys for people who want to take a little break and GTFO. I think there's no other time to do it. I'll tell you, I traveled a ton, and then I started really focusing on

my business and stuff like that, and I keep going, oh, what, I got to go do this. I got to set aside time to do that, and then I had, it got married and then I was like with Jen and I we got to go do this and that and then we started another business and then we had a kid and now it's like oh yeah that window is closing getting a lot tougher says the man who's going to Bhutan tomorrow yeah but I'm not bringing the family right so and I'm not going for two months or whatever or a year yeah look your life doesn't get less complicated generally maybe there's another sort of coming full circle when your

kids are in college and you're like yay we're all of our sort of obligations are able to sustain themselves and not starve to death when we're not home, that kind of thing. Reality bites, but there is the whole resume gap thing. But first, if you're taking some time off but have the savings and no debt and no kids, you are in a great spot. A lot of the things you're seeing from family about being unemployed, that's based on their own fears. Sure, being unemployed is risky, but it's just not as risky as many people think because

of your savings and because of your level of experience and because of your industry. If you'd been employed for a year or two, I'd have a different answer here perhaps. But since you're in tech, you have 16 years experience. A resume gap, not going to be that much of a problem given how competitive it is for hires in tech. Given that market, your company might not want to lose you. So what I would do here, I would ask to speak to your boss about sabbaticals. A lot of companies have these.

And if you've been working for 16 years, you might be able to work this out. Yeah, sabbaticals are often designed so that you can go learn some new skill that makes you more useful when you return, but not always. And I think you can also frame this in that way as well. Sometimes they're just a rest. In fact, that's what the word actually means. Sabatical comes from the word Sabbath and in academia. You're usually entitled to one every seven years. That might not mean squat for you, not being in academics, but it's there for reference. Also, study or travel is what these things are designed for. It's what a sabbatical is for. I don't think any company is going to see it as wasted time to let a high-quality employee take a break for the better

part of a year or more in order to collect themselves, stay sane, maybe you're going to go learn another language supposedly or get a feel for another culture, whatever it is. I think your best bet is to ask for this. And just know that the resume gap really isn't the thing in tech. I worked in tech for 22 years. People take breaks all the time. And as long as your skills are up to scratch, you can get a job. I've got massive holes in my resume from when I took a lot of time off and I never had a problem really getting back into the swing. I didn't do a lot of world travel, but I did a lot of travel around the U.S. I had savings enough that I had three to six months,

always saved up. So when I came back, I had a buffer to find a place, get a job, and ease back into it. Because I tell you, you don't want to jump right back in after a long vacation

because you are not really ready for it. You need to make a smooth landing when you come back. Yeah, that makes sense to me. And as for minimizing financial risk, I think you've done a lot of this already. You have no debt. You have no real obligations here.

I'd do a long-term rental on your house if you're comfortable with that. This way you've got someone paying you to live there while you're gone. Go through an agency to make sure you don't end up with a deadbeat and you've got insurance just in case you don't want to do this sort of off-the-books deal with a stranger and they trash your house or the pipes freeze or whatever. That's no good. When you're traveling, you might consider taking some longer-term rentals yourself in whatever place you're going to.

That way you're not paying hotel prices. You can cook for yourself most meals if you want to. you can really get to know the new cities that you're in. And I'd love to do this, man. I think about it all the time, not a sabbatical, but just taking the whole show on the road. It'll probably happen when Jaden's a little bit older. I can't wait.

So yeah, if you can work this out, go for it. And if you can't work out the sabbatical, go for it and plan an extra six to 12 months for the job hunt when you're back, which you probably won't even need. That said, if you're experienced in the tech field, you're going to be fine. Safe travels. My friend Sean Bonner took his family around the world with,

you know, their son. And I don't think they've lived in the U.S. for, you know, several years now. It's been a year in France, like over a year in Japan and just getting out and moving around and working remotely, which is a perfect place for you, Jen and Jaden for sure. As soon as he's old enough to hit the road man, box up that condo and get the hell out. Just bring a nice microphone. Yeah, I mean, I could just rent, if I go to Taiwan, I'll just find a recording studio that's $42 an hour or whatever it costs in Taipei. Or a week. Yeah. Dude, who knows? Stuff like that over there could easily be like 30 bucks an hour, if that. Well, make it happen, man. See the world. Get that kid cultured.

That's right. All right. What's next? J4. I'm 25 years old and I work in an incredibly cutthroat sales company where only 10 to 15% of employees hired retain their employment with us. In performance, I rank in the top 15% of that remaining 10 to 15%. As you could possibly guess, this is a very toxic and high-stress environment. We're offered basically no benefits, but the pay is great, which keeps people around and entices new people to apply. I worked very hard to train my customers and make my book more efficient to operate.

After about six months of social engineering and business jiu-jitsu, I now have a lot of free time available to seek out more business and at least double my current income. Here's my dilemma. I'm required by my company to be in the office 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday.

When I come into the office, I spend about 20% of my time working with my current customers and 80% of my time browsing the internet, listening to podcasts, and listening to audio, books. I genuinely can't remember the last time I tried to earn new business despite having plenty of time to do so. I feel bored, mentally blocked, and severely unmotivated. I don't see myself turning this job into a lifelong career, so I've been saving more money than I spend

to avoid getting into golden handcuffs. I'd agree that I'm not passionate about this work, but nothing really comes to mind when I'm asked what I'm passionate about. What are your initial inclinations of my situation? What are some things you would do if you woke up in my shoes tomorrow? Ad Astra, the underperforming high performer. Foof. First of all, I love that sign off. I might steal it, the ad Astra. I never saw that before, but I'm guessing ad Astra is Latin for

to the stars or something like that. Let's look that up. Indeed, it is. All right. Yes, this is a problem. If your work environment is toxic and high stress, you don't need to quit, but you need to limit your exposure. It's like radiation.

We get it from the sun and elsewhere, but you don't want too much of it, especially at one time. I know you're required, in air quotes here to be in the office. Try to negotiate that given your sales results. Tell them you want to generate business outside the office if that makes any sense. Maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't make sense, let them know you need to work on your health or whatever, and so you need more time out of the office.

Do you have a lot of leverage being one of their top salespeople here? I suggest you use that. You don't follow your passion. You bring it with you. You probably won't stumble upon some passion thing. You'll start doing something else, possibly sales-related, since you're good at that, and then you'll develop skill in that area and start to feel more passionate about it. Like Mike Rowe says, we don't follow our passion, but we'd be well-served to bring it with us.

So ask for that flexibility, and if they won't give it to you, start looking for other types of sales jobs that will treat you with more respect. There are loads of sales jobs. Sales jobs are always hiring, and they always pay well. You don't have to work in a toxic pit at the expense of your time and your sanity. Think about it. You could make double your income if you tried. You just said that.

But you're not doing that. So effectively, if this job is paying you, let's say, 100,000, but it could be paying you 200,000, that means that you are paying $100,000 of your potential income to stay in a job that you don't like. So let's say you go someplace else and you work a full eight-hour day, but you only make, I don't know, $110,000. Well, now you have the same amount of time each day outside of work. you're more fulfilled and you got a raise.

Right now you're thinking, well, I make a lot of money and I don't work that much, but you're leaving up the fact and the calculation, you're leaving this out, that you're wasting your time, you're stressed, you're unfulfilled, you're selling yourself short. I think there's a scenario here where either you get more time out of the office or you leave and you end up going someplace else

that might even pay the same, but is a million times healthier and more fulfilling. You know when asking for more time outside the office, perhaps you can actually just negotiate working from home. If you've got the discipline, and you should build it, this would be great. Just tell them your results won't go down, and if they do, you'll come back to the office. Then, when you're working from home, spend two hours a day keeping your numbers and go freaking surfing, man. Get in great physical shape.

Take on some hobbies. You'll have a ton of freedom without sacrificing your financial stability. And if they need you for Monday all hands meetings, fine. You go in on Mondays. I'm telling you, you've got leverage here. Use it. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this. All right, Jason, what's next?

Hey, brother, Jay's and Jen. I own a successful video and production studio in L.A. My girlfriend and I run the studio together, and we have a great system. What makes us so much different and better than other studios are a few proprietary techniques that we aim to keep under wraps. I'd love to hire an employee to help us grow and alleviate some stress. However, I get worried that they might learn the secret sauce and start their own business or go to work for our competition.

Sure, there's always the option of a non-compete clause, but I've read that California doesn't enforce them, and it may just be a waste of time. What do I do in this situation? Do I play it safe? Keep it just me and my girl and not have to worry about revealing our recipe? Or do I say, screw it,

and hire someone that I feel is trustworthy, aim to grow the business, and just let the chips fall where they may. Appreciate any advice you and the fam, including Jason may have. Keep kicking ass, signed, can't trust the help. Now, Jordan, I don't know about, about this one, but what about an NDA instead of a non-compete? Kind of seems like a no-brainer, but I might be

missing something. Yeah, I mean, an NDA is definitely there. And there's also laws about trade secret and things like that. I think the problem here is enforcement. Right. If this guy goes and starts a business, you're going to say, well, he didn't disclose it, but he is using it. He's breaching what? His NDA or is it really a non-compete sort of couched as an NDA? Is that enforceable? Do you want to spend 50 grand enforcing it? It's really, really, really hard. So there's a big choice here. Non-competes don't really work in California unless you offer the person a buyout of some kind and or you potentially make them an owner in a way. And you'll want to find a lawyer, but there are ways to protect trade secrets, but they might be a little bit expensive if you have to

buy people out or enforce them. And if you have to enforce them and they end up working someplace else under the table and then, you know, it's just, it's kind of a mess. It's really hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. If you've got something that's a secret but is easily replicable, other options here are hire family, and that's got its own set of ups and downs and drawbacks, and there's also no guarantee that your cousin who you hired isn't also going to quit and go into business and just say, screw you, man. You know, you don't know. You can also outsource other parts of the business. For example, if you can't keep someone who comes in from finding the secret sauce, maybe outsource other elements of the business, financial, sales, accounting, some other sorts of

elements of what you're doing and then you're doing the secret stuff. You can outsource that to an outside party that works remotely. That way, you don't have to do that stuff. You don't have to hide what you're doing because they're not even in the office. Or you can bring someone in the office and you can sort of do what you're doing in the back room. I don't know. I'm not really sure what the secret could possibly be. I'm guessing that your process is really easy and you just don't want somebody around to see what you're doing. So I would have a remote worker do that or outsource it to a business services company. And then you'll have more time to scale up what you're doing if you don't have to do other elements of the business, you can focus on the secret sauce. And if you want to

hire and train someone, get an attorney to go through your options, but you're right. A non-compete in California is a tough one, and people leave and work elsewhere all the time, unless they've got some other reason to be loyal, like they're related to you. So this is a tough one, I assume, I didn't even mention the idea or the option of you moving out of California or something like that, because I assume you don't want to pack up and move everything. And if you're in film, I'm having a feeling you've got to work near L.A. anyway. So this is a tough one. The answer is hire somebody that you can really trust and isn't going to leave you in the lurch.

Okay, next up. Hi, J-Team. I've been dating this guy for two months and have had my seven-month-old puppy for five months. Long story short, my boyfriend has never liked my puppy. Says she's spoiled. I cook for her and one time he got angry because I cooked and fed her first before him when he was hungry. My reasoning is that she can't feed herself while he can't. can. He says she's badly behaved because sometimes she chases the cat and just says he doesn't like her.

He finds her irritating and doesn't like that she's always the center of attention. We were chatting yesterday and he said it's hard for him as my attention is already split since I also have a 12-year-old daughter and then I'm always giving attention to the dog. I then asked him if he'd be happier if I didn't have the dog and he said yes. He said he feels like I'd choose her over him and I said, well, in what circumstances would that ever be a thing? It's not like she's caused him any danger. or that he's deathly allergic. He said he just doesn't like spending time at my house because of her. She keeps him awake at night and feels hurt that I seem to love her more than him.

I explained to him that I love my dog. She's an innocent being that I committed a lifetime of love and care to when I got her, and I'm not just going to start neglecting her when he's around because he doesn't like it. So yes, I would choose her. She sleeps in my bed, but not when he's there because he doesn't like it. I've already compromised on that. I told him during this conversation that she's like a child to me, and if he's jealous of her, that's just something he needs to work through, because she's not going

anywhere, and to be honest, him resenting her is hurting me too. It's tough because he's an amazing guy, and he's great with my daughter, but now I just feel torn between him and my dog. Is he being ridiculous? What should I do? Thanks so much. Dogs over dudes. This is weird. This is so weird. Yeah. He's needy. So needy. More than a lot of guys, for sure. And the fact that he doesn't see how you giving attention to an animal is different than you giving attention to him is just strange. He's way too needy for a woman who already has a child because he seems to require a lot of the attention for himself. And I'm just going to come out and say this, Jason, it's not the dog.

It's not the dog, yeah. The dog is a stand-in for the daughter, and he can't complain about you giving attention to your 12-year-old daughter because he knows that's wildly unreasonable. So he complains about the dog instead. And this is bad because not only does this not bode well for the relationship, and I'm not going to say anyone or anything is doomed, but this is not a good sign. I mean, first of all, who doesn't love hanging around a dog? But two, imagine you get married. And now he resents your dog and let's be honest, he resents your daughter. How's he going to treat her when she's a teenager? Is he going to be trying to compete for resources with your kid instead of providing? This is all just so weird. This guy has some issues. He's unhealthy in that way. And he,

is clearly not resolved his issues, and this is going to be a freaking disaster. Your daughter and your dog deserve someone who gets you. Let him earn your attention and not feel entitled to it. But honestly, if I were you, I would not be with this guy. I think this is a massive problem. As a dog lover, I would say dump the dude immediately. He wants you to give him attention over the dog? Come on. It's a dog. Everybody loves a dog. If he's that needy, there's a problem. Yeah, it seems like he's got some emotional issues. And these are going to come out against you and your daughter, let alone the dog, right? Great. So he doesn't like the dog. That's a problem. But imagine he doesn't like your daughter who's going to be living with you for a minimum of six more years. And then hopefully be in your life

forever. And then what? Your husband and your daughter don't get along? I mean, this is just a total cluster waiting to happen. Too many red flags. All right. Last but not least. Hi, Jordan. I'm a 51-year-old man. My sister is 48, has two children. My nephew is 17 and my niece is 18. Both are in high school right now and both want to go to college. I promised my nephew I'd pay for his school, which in Canada isn't much, about $4,000 to $5,000 a year, so figure around $20,000. I can afford it and I want to do it because he's like a son to me. We've bonded so much ever since he was young. To be frank, he's my favorite kid in the whole world. He visits frequently, we play video games, board games, etc. My niece and my sister are, are upset that I'm not extending the same offer to my niece. We're just not close, or at least not as close as I am with my nephew. It's not about money. I could do it, but I'm choosing not to. I see her maybe twice a year, but I see my nephew at least twice a month. Beyond that, we don't even have each other on Facebook to give an idea of distance. Am I the asshole here? For what it's worth, I have no idea what my nephew wants to go for, but he's twirled the idea of linguistics

around. My niece wants to go for mathematics. My choice has nothing to do with what they want to do. I think both are noble pursuits. What would you do? Sincerely, one confused uncle. Okay, well, you have the right to spend money as you see fit. It's your money. Just realize this is a long-term animosity that you're bringing on here. You're possibly doing a disservice to the family if that causes conflict with them. I get that it's favoritism. And that would be bad if you're parents, but it's normal if you're not parents. As an uncle, you're allowed to favor nieces and nephews, it's fine. Just realize that in giving this gift, you may be causing a rift between the kids, between you and your niece, between you and your sibling. Is that worth it? It might end up with more

resentment than anything. And if I were you, I would just give the money to both the kids. You don't have to pay for everyone's stuff if you can't. Pay for half their education each. If you want to continue to favor your nephew, do so by spending quality time with him, not just giving a gift that could end up tearing the family apart. There's something about this that just doesn't sit right with me. It's sort of generous on the outside because you want to pay for your nephew's college, but it's also kind of selfish because you want to pay for his college, but you don't really care what it does to his relationship with his sister and his mom and all this other stuff. You've got to think about this.

I'm going to assume you just haven't mulled this over and thought about all the consequences, but it's almost like a selfish gift in a way. I know that's kind of hard to wrap my head around. It's absolutely a selfish gift. Yeah, he likes the nephew, but it's short-sighted. It's absolutely short-sighted because he is going to completely, make everybody in the family miserable, and it might be too late at this point

because he's already put it out there. So he needs to backtrack and fix this for sure. Yeah, I mean, if you're going to pay 20K for one education in Canada, pay 10 for each of the kids, and they have years to make the rest, and maybe you'll have more in the future that you can use to help. I mean, it sounds like he has the money to pay for both. He just doesn't want to pay for the niece

because he doesn't hang out with her, which is just such a weird thing for me. Yeah, it sounds petty to me. It does. Yeah. You know what it wouldn't surprise me? I don't want to accuse this guy of anything because he was nice enough to write in and, you know, this is something where we don't have this information. But I bet you if we had the full picture, there's something else going on here.

You know, like maybe he never got along with her and he secretly doesn't like the niece that much. Could be. Maybe she made fun of him when she was a little kid and, you know, maybe there's some like, you know, old school animosity that's coming through. Yeah, because when you favor somebody, that's fine. but like to knowingly do it at the expense of someone else who then you hear is upset about it from your own sister and then to have your sister upset at you and then to be like tough rocks. That's just a weird sort of emotionally tone deaf kind of thing. There's something strange happening here.

And he should have never told the nephew. He should have told the parents that, hey, I'm going to pay for his college so you don't have to or at least, you know, taking it up with the parents instead of the kids because now the kids are involved and it's just a cluster. Right. So if he doesn't pay for the nephew's full college, then he knows that he's paying for the nephew and then he's half and he's like, it's your fault. I'm not getting a full ride. Yeah. And she's like, what the hell? I don't care. Uncle so and so is giving you all the money. Why? They're going to start fighting. Yeah. Hopefully they're more mature than that, but they're going to be pissed off. Both of them are going to be pissed off. Like,

you've created this weird lose, lose, lose, lose situation between the four people. Yeah. I see one way out of this. He bucks up, apologizes, pays for both of them and said, look, I made a mistake. I made a I was short-sighted. I apologize. And here's the money. Go get smart. Yeah. Be smarter than I am because I'm obviously an idiot and I didn't think this through. Life Pro Tip of the Week. Inflation is currently about 2% per year. So if you're not getting more than that per year as a raise, you are getting a pay cut. So make sure to take inflation into account when you get a raise. A lot of people will say, oh, there's a cost of living increase of X and that's your raise.

a lot of times the cost of living increase doesn't match inflation. You should negotiate that. You should negotiate that with your employer. And by the way, if you're getting a cost of living increase and you're not getting any sort of raise, it means that you're getting paid the same amount last year as you are this year for what's hopefully better work

based on better experience. So just be aware of that. I think a lot of people are negotiating raises and they're like, I got a 3% raise and you got something less than 1% raise because of inflation. That's how this works, unfortunately. recommendation of the week, The Devil Next Door.

Jason, have you heard of this? It's on Netflix. I've seen it. I've watched the trailer for it, and I'm kind of like, I don't know, this kind of looks like it's going to be depressing. It is a little bit. It's horrifying because this guy who lived in Ohio and was essentially an auto worker at Ford, it turned out that he was a concentration camp guard, and they think he was this horrible,

I mean, everybody who worked at a concentration camp was, of course, at some point, a Nazi SS soldier and was horrible. This guy was like especially just a terrible, terrible person. They called him, they called him Ivan the Terrible. And it was just, I don't even want to recount the stuff. You'll see it in the series. But they find him in Ohio after he escapes the war. And they're like, this is this guy.

And he goes to trial and he loses his citizenship and he ends up on trial in Israel. It's just a crazy true story. Unbelievable. Trigger warning, it's not a good binge watch because it is sad and heartbreaking. but I found it so supremely interesting, The Devil Next Door on Netflix. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week.

A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com, and if you want to go to prison, email me, prison at jordanharbinger.com. Quick shout out to Casey Clary, who says we have shot to the top priority of the listening list. Casey listens to every new episode of ours

before listening to anything else. Thanks so much, Casey. That is high praise. Where you spend your time is the best compliment. Go back and check out Admiral Stavridis and Neil Pasricha if you haven't yet. And if you want to know how we manage to book all these great people and manage relationships with hundreds or even thousands, I have yet to count, check out our six-minute networking course, which is free over at Jordanharbinger.com slash course.

And don't do it later. Dig the well before you get thirsty. It's great for business. It's great for your personal life. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with me and the show, and videos of our interviews are at Jordan Harbinger.com

slash YouTube. Jason? Check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the internet and who's to blame along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, and more. That's Grumpy Old Geeks. This show is created in association with podcast one, and this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jace Sanderson, show notes for the episode by Robert Frogerty. Music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com.

Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own, and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, so do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. A lot more great stuff coming down the pipe. Looking forward to bringing it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

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