The Jordan Harbinger Show - 292: My Wife Wants Another Kid, But I Don't | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: December 20, 2019

You've got two lovely kids, and you're perfectly content to stop there, but your spouse has other plans. How do you break the news you're not of like mind to have a third? We'll try to tackle this and more on the latest Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/292. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Your spouse has been pushing for a third child, but you figure two is enough. Is there a way to find common ground? Your sibling and their fiance have decided to get married on one of the few nights you can't get out of work. To whom do you owe your loyalty? Your mother stopped making payments on a parent loan taken out for your education, and now you're stuck with $28,000 in interest. What happens next? You accidentally fell asleep on the job, and if you don't adjust your time card, no one else would be the wiser. What should you do? Retiring from a professional athletic career, you wonder if your BA in economics will cut it for your next career move, or if you should go back to school? Your friend is publishing articles about his industry in order to raise his profile at work. But how do you tactfully suggest that his writing is sorely in need of editing? Life Pro Tip: If you're on a Mac, use Bartender, Endurance, FruitJuice, and iStat Menus. Recommendation of the Week: Broken Quick shout outs to Melissa Kellogg and Jon Bjork! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, join his podcasting club, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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That's gofundme.com. Gofundme.com. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DePhilippo. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. And this week we had Doug Williams discussing how the polygraph test, the lie detector test is a lie. It actually harms national security and destroys careers.

And then I'm given the team a break this Thursday and next Thursday. for the holidays, so no, there's nothing wrong with your player. We're just giving people a little breaks, Kipu. Well-needed rest. Also, I write every so often on the blog. The latest post is about flakiness, epidemic. Here's looking at you, everyone alive. Don't point at millennials.

You flake to whoever you are. You got to do what you say you're going to do because it's bad for you if you don't. Not just for other people. It's also bad for you. I explain a little bit of the science behind this. So make sure you've had a look and listen to everything we create. for you this week. The articles are available at Jordanharbinger.com slash articles. I also post

them on Facebook. If you still, if you're that person who's still looking at my Facebook stuff, it's also there, the Jordan Harbinger Show page on Facebook. But again, just go to the website, people. Come on. Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. And the podcasts are in the feed as you are well aware. Of course, our primary mission here on the Jordan Harbinger show is to pass along our guests and our own insights and experience to you. I want to have a conversation directly with you. And that's what we do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I just want to put one brick in the structure that makes up your life. And that's what this podcast really is about. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. And if you want to go to prison with me on the

birthday, February 26, 2020, got some spots left. Not a ton. This thing filled up really, really, really, really fast. And then we opened up some spots and then those filled up really, really, really fast. I have to say, I am very pleasantly surprised at how many of you want to go to a maximum security prison with me to do an educational program with the inmates outside of Reno, Nevada, February 26, 2020, it's about 900 bucks plus travel. But when I say travel, I mean, hotels are literally 50 bucks a night. We got a block. And flights to Reno, depending on where you are, probably not too expensive. And 900 bucks, that goes entirely to the educational program for the inmates and bus travel to and from Reno. It's not a whole lot of mass transit going to high desert

maximum security detention center. So we've got a bus for you and it includes lunch. But other than that, the money goes directly to the program. So it's a good cause. It's going to be a hell of a lot of fun. And if you want to come with us, couple spots left. Well, several spots left. I'll make room for you. How's that? Email me, prison at jordanharbinger.com. All right, Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailback? Hi, Jordan and Jason. My wife and I have two beautiful boys, and our youngest is just over a year old. Fatherhood has been one of the most challenging and yet rewarding experiences of my life. I wouldn't change a thing. But a couple months ago, my wife began pushing for a third. We always discussed having two, then stopping. On top of that, our first was a very poor sleeper

and also very headstrong. In some ways, I feel like I'm still not fully recovered. I know part of what's driving her is that she always wanted a girl, and if the situation were reversed, I might be asking for another chance to have a boy. But I just don't think I can do this. And yet, when I tell her that, honestly, she's obviously very hurt. She wants me to trust her and take a chance. Like most dads, I worry about our finances, but I'm also concerned about her health. This would be her third C-section. And I also have some side projects that I've been working on for a long time, and I don't want to lose my momentum. I'm worried that I'm being too selfish, but I really want to focus on my own happiness too. I feel like I've never really put

my interests first. I'm that guy who always worked too hard and sacrificed everything else, including hobbies, friends, etc. On the other hand, I agree with her and don't want to regret this down the road. I can always still work on my projects, but the window to have another child is very finite. I also hate disappointing her. What should I do? Sincerely, go for third or stick to a double? Well, this is a tough one because you really do have to choose between your short-term happiness and that of your wife here. And I can't make it. this decision for you, nobody can. But you should ask yourself the following questions, in my opinion. One, how tough is the financial situation? As a guy and as a provider, I feel like I'm always

thinking about this. And I've been as stressed about money when I've been flat effing broke as when I've had huge amounts of money. And I think it's just my personality is wired that way. Not everyone is this way, but you have to sort of evaluate. Is it really dire straits financially? or could it be, or could it be really stressful? Or is this just you're saying, oh my gosh, I might have to work for extra years? Or have you not even thought about this at all? And it's just an emotional reaction. So that's kind of important.

Because if it's, uh-oh, I might not be able to retire at 55. I might have to work till let me do the math, 58. I mean, that's kind of a different calculation. Or is this just cold sweats at night because kids are expensive? Can you make it or will this severely impact the quality of life for the whole family? That's the other question. Are you going from, sure, we can take the kids to Disneyland every year just like we always wanted to do, and we can go to Hawaii and go surfing, and everyone loves that, and then having another kid means, okay, everyone's going to a public school eating bread and water for lunch and no vacations ever again, right? You have to kind of actually work that stuff out. Two, will your wife be disappointed both short term and long term if you don't have another child? Because you're happy short term without one.

she's unhappy short-term without one. Let's just paint that black and white. Of course, it's more nuanced. But she's also going to be sad or long-term, if you don't have a child. Are you going to be happy with that? Are you going to be okay with that? She might not indicate that she is upset.

You know, she probably just won't get over that, though, if she's feeling that way now. You might want to have a heart-to-heart with her about that. And if you need to go to a therapist once or twice for a session and have them sort of mediate this conversation, mediate might not be the right word, guide this conversation. then I would suggest doing that.

It's probably going to be a couple hundred bucks for a couple sessions, and it might be really worth it to lay every card from both of you out on the table. Three, will you be disappointed both short-term and long-term if you can't move forward with your projects? Yes, having a kid now, you might have to table some stuff, but having a kid now might also mean that you can never

write the good old American novel and take a bunch of time off every year. I don't really know what you're doing, but you might really be disappointed, and you might say, well, I'm a little sad about how my life turned out, but I have three kids and they're amazing, so it all makes up for it. You know, you really have to think about that. If there's career goals and things that you want to do and you're really never going to be able to do them, realistically, not going to be able to do them, then that's something to consider.

But if it's just kind of, man, I really like making woodworking projects in the garage. And if we have another kid, well, it's going to be full of toys. I mean, you really have to make a list and write all this stuff down. I would consider journaling it. I'm not much of a write everything down journaling kind of guy about my feelings, but this is kind of a pros and cons list to the power of two, right? Squared, if you will. And I think it's important to do that. This is something to consider carefully. Yeah, you could probably work on these projects later down the road, but you might be stressed financially for a long time, or maybe not. You've got two kids, both are very young. Normally, I would suggest waiting to have another kid, but you're right, the window for this is very finite and is closing. And as for your wife's health, let her make this decision with you and her doctor and be careful not to consciously or subconsciously use it as an excuse to advocate for what you want right now, which is to stop having kids. You know, you don't want to say, oh, but I'm worried about your health, I'm worried about your health, and worried about your health. And then in the back of your mind, you're like, well,

I'm kind of worried about your health, but mostly I'm worried about my freedom. You really have to isolate each of the factors here and make sure that you're not secretly using that as an excuse to get what you want and to advocate what you want, because that'll break a little bit of the trust. You know, if she gets the idea that you're pretending or at least hamming it up a little about being concerned about her health and you're really more concerned about your freedom,

if she gets a whiff of that, she's going to be pissed and she's going to trust you less. So you've got to examine that. Yes, give it weight as you should, but don't try to use it as a persuasion lever. I want to be clear here. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to move forward with projects.

and focus on yourself and your own goals, especially since you've already had two kids as planned, as agreed. That said, you have to evaluate whether or not you're putting off your own happiness and projects for another couple of years, or if having another child will be a major financial hit and lifestyle downgrade for the foreseeable future. If so, how conscious is all this for both you and your wife, or is it more of an emotional decision maybe for your wife because she wants a girl? Maybe she's thinking, but I really want a girl. And it's like, okay, but after you do the back of the napkin calculations, okay, but no way we can go on these vacations and no way can we get our summer home and no way are you able to,

you know, quit your job then. Like, you've got to really lay this stuff out and get a grasp of all of the impact that this is going to have on your life. And if it's the latter, if it's an emotional decision because your wife really, really wants a girl, then lay that on the table so that you're not letting your emotions get the best of you at the expense of what's ever. actually best for the whole family. And if she really wants a girl and she really means it and she doesn't care about going to Disneyland because she really, really wants a girl and she really wants a third

kid, well, then I would say that that should weigh more than Disneyland, right? Because I didn't go on a lot of vacations as a kid, but I was an only child. And if you had said, hey, you can go on 10 vacations a year as a kid or you can have a sibling, I would choose a sibling personally. But again, I'm an only child. I'm not one of two. So all of these considerations need to be hashed out with your wife, but actually I would do it alone first, then do it with your wife as well. That way, your answers aren't colored by her desires, wishes, and everything. You can combine them later. In fact, you should both do it on your own and then come back and compare notes. Best of luck with this. I think this process will probably bring you closer to your wife, whether you decide

to have another child or not. One other thing to really consider here, though, is if you go through all of this, you do have a third child, and it's a boy, and she doesn't get a girl, how is that going to affect you long term and how's it going to affect her long term. Yeah. Interesting. She might end up with another boy and then is she going to be cool with that because she wanted another kid or is she going to be like, well, let's have four kids. Right. Then you got to figure out what's going. You got to keep trying until you get one or what's a deal. Because if it's really, she wants a girl, then, you know, you can go and adopt a little girl. That would be quite a blessing for everyone

involved. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes to your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. All right, next up.

Hello, Jay crew. The end of 2019 is upon us and the excitement of the new year is settling in. I work in a high-end restaurant and New Year's Eve is one of the the two busiest days for us, the other being Valentine's Day. It's always an all-hands-on-deck situation. My older brother and his fiancé decided to have their wedding on this night. I received the news of this wonderful occasion in August and have been torn ever since. I put in a request for the night off as soon as I could. Not to my surprise, I was rejected. Bossman pulled me into his office and told me he would try to let me leave early, but by that time the ceremony would be long over and the reception would be ending shortly after I showed up.

I can't help but feel like I'm letting my brother down for not being at a monumental event in his life, but I feel my presence at work is necessary on this big day. Please help and thank you. Signed, wanting to be in two places at once. Now, Jordan, is it me or is it a total dick move to get married on a holiday? Yeah, so I was going to make a note of that but decided not to, so I'm kind of glad that you did. I get it, but man, it just causes all kinds of annoying little things like this. Granted, I don't know how many people who are doing that really care because it's like, well, it's our wedding.

Yeah, my cousin got married in Pittsburgh on New Year's Eve, and I had to fly out from Toasty Warm, California, to go hang out with family on New Year's Eve in like a really crappy hotel ballroom just because he decided to get married that night. Then I had, of course, stay with family and do all that stuff, which was not in my plans for New Year's Eve that year. It made for the entire trip just, it turned it into misery, is what it did. and I still haven't forgiven him for it. Well, it's almost like someone else's wedding isn't about you. I don't know. I don't know, man. But you got to come on.

The gall of some people. It's always about me. Geez. I'm starting to get that feeling. Yeah, I think that there is something there. But I also get why people do it. You've got to list the pros and cons of this here. I think we should just sort of go through this, right?

If you stay at work, you keep your job. That's kind of the most obvious pro. you probably make a bunch of cash because it's your industry, your boss isn't mad at you, and all that. The con of not going to your brother's wedding, do we even need to list those out?

Family's going to be annoyed, brother's going to be annoyed, we'll get to those later. Pro of going to your brother's wedding, memories to last a lifetime, not pissing off your whole family, I think is probably a decent one. I'm not good at pros and cons list,

but let's just say, let's just throw those out there. Now I understand both perspectives here, especially owning a business myself. And that said, this is your brother and it's his wedding. Jobs come and go, especially these days, and family hopefully does not come and go.

And I hate letting people down as much as the next guy. But if I had to choose between my boss at a restaurant and my entire family, I know what I would choose. And I get it. This is a huge night for the restaurant and it will cause problems if you're not there. I would strongly consider finding other ways to help that night, if possible,

and also make sure that you understand that going to the wedding might, entail you finding another job as well. Because I think it's very possible that after you request time off and your boss says no and then you say, guess what, it's my brother's wedding, I'm going. They might let you go. And I hate that you have to make that choice.

And normally I'd say talk to your brother, but here's the thing. If he's a good brother, not that he would move the wedding, but just those that he would understand. But the problem is here, if he's a good brother, he's just gonna say, oh no, go to work, I understand, I get it, man, try and show up later for the reception. We'll have a drink together.

But that's not really what he means. What he means is, damn, that's really disappointing. And I wish you could be there. And that really sucks that you had to choose work over me. I guess you really need the money. But he's going to be a good brother and not say that. So your brother will miss you at the wedding. Your parents will miss you at the wedding.

The bride's parents will miss you at the wedding. All the friends, all the groomsmen, all the bridesmaids, everyone's going to miss you at the wedding. And you're going to be bummed that you missed the wedding. You're going to be looking at photos and videos of something that should be one of the most joyous occasions in your entire family short of child. So I'm a little biased. I had a lot of fun at my wedding. I didn't invite that many people because I thought,

oh, it's going to be inconvenient for them. They're going to have to fly across the country. They have kids. I barely invited anyone to the ceremony. Jason, you were there. I mean, you saw it. It was pretty small. And most of it were like Jen's mom's friends. No, it was a great ceremony. It's nice and small, actually. That was one of the best parts. It was. It was really nice. But if I'd had a brother, I mean, my host brother flew in from Germany. Actually, flew in from Thailand and my host father. when I was an exchange student I lived in Germany, he flew in from Germany for this. And it was kind of a big deal. I would be really annoyed if an actual blood brother didn't show up. I would have been annoyed if Florian didn't show up from Thailand. Yep. You are going to create so much animosity in the family. And it's going to be something that lives with you for the rest of your life. It is going to be something that's why I went to my cousin's wedding. You know, it's like you've got to be there. You got to show up for these major milestone events. Jobs come and go. You know, you're going to be working the rest of your life. Might not be at the same restaurant. And it's a restaurant anyway. you know, you're going to leave eventually. So, you know, in my book, me personally, I would have it out with the boss man one more time and just say, look, this is a non-starter for me. I'm going to my brother's

wedding. Is there something I can do to help? Make it easy for him, like you said, Jordan. Work all night, chopping vegetables with the prep team, like whatever, you know, can be done. And I know that that's not when they need him. But here's the thing. Let's say he worked for SpaceX. And they were going to launch a satellite that day. And they needed him because he was a key person in that, then I would say this is a different situation. But real talk, it's a restaurant. He's not the GM. He's a server or something in the restaurant. I don't even think he's in the kitchen. So it's not like the place can't open and do business. I had a buddy who his brother was getting married in Turkey because they're Turkish. And he was a major developer at Apple on iOS. I won't

mention who it is because, you know, not cool. And he told them a year or two in advance, I'm going to my brother's wedding. It's in Turkey. It's on this date. And then two or three weeks or months, whatever it was before, they were like, we really need you here. We're launching a new version of the iOS system. And he said no. And they were like, well, this could be a problem for you. And he goes, I don't care. It's my brother's wedding. If you want me to resign before that, then let me know. And they were like, oh, have fun. No problems. didn't need him at all, did a couple hours of work from Turkey, not a big deal. I realize you can't serve dinner from the reception from your phone. So it's a little different, but I get it. I would lay down

the law. I just don't think that this is going to make sense. I think you're going to be super upset, and your family's going to be upset, and it's just not worth it. And go enjoy the wedding instead of thinking about how you got fired for going. That's my last recommendation. Enjoy that free champagne. That's right. Next up. Hi, Jordan and Jason. You guys have had great advice for these kinds of tricky family situations in the past, so here goes. I had a $60,000 college fund allocated to me from an insurance settlement from a childhood car accident. When I enrolled in university, I was surprised to learn that my mother had spent it all. Hence, she took out a $40,000 parent loan, and I took out what totaled to be $160,000 in student loans to cover undergrad and grad school. After getting my career off to a great start and living frugally, I paid off my student loans by $160, age 30. Though I very much appreciate my mother's support, I was frustrated when my mother told family and friends that she solely put me through college as a single mother, given the hard work of my 20s. I was disappointed to find out recently that she hadn't been making payments

at all on that parent loan, and it had accrued an additional $28,000 in interest due to non-payment. Now married, I made the decision with my husband to pay off the principal of that loan, as it ultimately was for my education. While we make a good living, this was a financial setback for us. Now we're stuck on the accrued interest. He believes we should not take on the consequences of my mother's irresponsibility. I honestly agree with him, but I feel stuck because I know my mother won't pay it, and this will cause problems in the family. How would you approach this? Signed another stuck daughter and wife. And a note, the loan is in her name, not ours. Wow, yikes. Okay. So it depends on what you want to happen here. Yes, you can. This is one of those times

where I have to say, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Before you do anything drastic, I would always get legal counsel. And most lawyers will be able to tell you in a few minutes, they might not even charge you for this. Yes, you can, in theory, get a lawyer, et cetera, stop paying off the parent loan. And then it falls on your mother. She will suffer the financial consequences of that and not you. The one thing I would say to make sure of here is just to make sure that there's no sort of liability or waiver of any rights, considering you paid off the balance of the loan. Sometimes people can argue, oh, well, they accepted responsibility for this, but if on paper it's still in her name and you're just giving her the money or mailing in a check,

often she's still responsible. Just make damn sure, depending on what you do. Show us up for the financial consequences of that and not you. Of course, this will damage your relationship with your mother and potentially with other people in the family, right? I wouldn't imagine siblings, aunts, and uncles, they won't take too kindly to. And then I stuffed mom with that loan, and now she lives in a homeless shelter. They're not going to like that, or she lives in grandma's basement. Alternatively, you can keep paying the loan, which is a bummer because it sets you back financially, even though it wasn't really for your education, but it was a loan your mother took out to support the family when you were younger as a single mom. So, I mean, there's something

to be said for that. I can't tell you what to do here, but what I can say is that having a kid, and not imagine raising a kid as a single parent. It sounds like you and your mother have some fundamental disagreements about who put you through school or who put who through school. I get that. It would be annoying to hear, I put him through college on my own when you work your butt off. You're unlikely to resolve those issues and you probably really don't need to. Look, who cares if your mom says that she put you through school? Yeah, you worked really hard.

I don't think she's trying to cheap in that. I think she's just trying to communicate that she also worked really hard to raise her. you went through college. You know, nobody was helping her out. Yeah, but the mother also stole $60,000 of her college fund. Yeah, I mean, she took a loan, but she probably didn't buy a boat with it like that other A-hole's parents did. She was probably trying to put food on the table. Well, yeah, yeah, the $40,000 parent loan went to her schooling, but there was the $60,000 college that the daughter had that the mother basically took before she even got to college. Am I misunderstanding this?

She took $40,000 of the... She took $60,000 of a settlement that the daughter got, which was basically put aside for her college, and spent that money before the daughter got to school. So to help out, she took a $40,000 loan to help with the schooling. Oh. And then didn't pay that back. So there's still a $60,000 hole in this story that's not being accounted for. Okay, so I totally understood this differently, and now I'm not sure what's correct here. I understood that she got the $60,000 college fund, or sorry, the settlement from the insurance company,

and then the mother took out a $40,000 parent loan against that college fund. Nope. The mother had spent all the money. The $60,000 was spent by the mother by the time the daughter got to college. And then she took out a $40,000 parent loan also. To pay for school, yeah. So that was like her make good. And then the daughter still had to pay back the $40,000 parent loan.

So she's paid $200,000 in student loans so far. There's $28,000 outstanding in interest and penalties. And that first $60,000 has vanished into the ether. So the daughter here is literally out $260,000 and the mother hasn't put in a cent. Yuck. Okay. All right. I misunderstood that.

But I'm not totally sure that it changes my answer because I still think stuffing your mom with the debt, even if she, quote, unquote, deserves it, in your opinion, is still going to piss off your mom and the rest of the family. I don't think other people are going to understand it. I also stand by my statement that raising a kid as a single parent would be a living nightmare in so many ways. I also don't think it matters if your mom says she put you through school. I don't see it as malicious her saying that. Maybe it is the way she says it. I'm not there when she does. It sounds like she still raised you, still paid for everything. Yes, you worked very hard to get through school. And unless you think she's trying to embarrass you or cheapen that somehow, and honestly, even if she is, who cares? I would

honestly recommend letting it go. As for the loan amounts, you can choose between, one, paying it off, which is a huge burden for you, and will breed resentment towards your mom, obviously from you, two, letting your mom pay it off or just letting it go to collections, which will breed resentment towards you from your mom and possibly the rest of the family, or three, come to some sort of agreement with your mother. Can she pay off part of the interest? Maybe you can split it. Maybe you can find some other way to knock out the debt. I don't know. At the end of the day, if you have a good relationship with your mother, you shouldn't risk that relationship

because of who's right about paying for college or about money. I just wouldn't do it. That said, you should also not swallow a massive financial burden just to avoid a conflict. Maybe there's a way you can do this. Maybe if, you know, like, look, Jason,

if mom owns the house that she lives in, then the writer here pays off the loan and is able to then sell the house and sort of make it up later. It might not be all the debt, but it's a trade that maybe doesn't make everyone feel horrible. I think the best way to navigate this is to lay your cards on the table and figure out what the combined forces of you and your mother can do to mitigate the financial

burden. In a perfect world, she'd handle this debt, but in a perfect world, she probably wouldn't have chosen to raise kids on her own without any help. From the sound of this letter, it sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders, and congrats on that. I know we're talking about a lot of money, but any problem that can be solved with money is not that big of a problem over time. The key is to keep money problems as money problems and not turn money problems into emotional or family problems. And I think that's kind of important. I don't have complete information here, so that's my two cents based on what you've given me, and I clearly misunderstood initially. I know this is not an easy one, so best of luck, and let us know how this shakes out. I think they should also, if they can

combine forces, the mother and the daughter, also find like a financial planner who can actually try and talk to the loan holder and maybe cut down some of that debt to, like if they agree to a payment plan, they might be willing to shave off a chunk of that debt since it is basically just the interest in penalties. So it's not the principal. The principal's been paid back, so they might be a little bit more lenient on paying off that interest. Yeah, that's a good point. I hadn't thought about that, but you're right. There might be something that can be done there as well. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this. Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers helps keep us on the air.

To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right. What's next? Hey, Jordan, Jason. I make my own hours at work. I write my time in and my time out every day.

Today I showed up, put my time in, started working, sat down for a minute, and just straight up fell asleep for about an hour. Is it wrong or unprofessional to not change my time sheet around now? Is it really stealing? I love my job. No one would ever have any way of knowing what I did for that hour. Plus, I'll still get everything done and more. It's a job where I have to look for things to do. What do you think? Thanks. A sleep on the job. Well, whenever stuff like this comes up, the question to ask is, how would you feel if you put yourself in your boss's position? I think anyone can understand

falling asleep for an hour, even in the office, especially if you're already a high performer. Yes, you could lie and get away with it. You could even clock out an hour early. and then keep working for an hour to make it up. But look at this as a way to build trust with the company potentially. In other words, if you edit the timesheet and they say, oh, why did you edit the time sheet? You can say, well, I had to step out and take care of something. So I wanted to make sure that I clocked out for that hour.

I didn't do it before. Since almost no one does this, that builds trust and credibility in the eyes of whoever's managing the timesheet. You can even say, I wasn't feeling well, and I just rested during that hour, and I don't think I should get paid for it. that will build trust and credibility in the eyes of whoever manages the timesheet.

Imagine having a reputation at work as somebody who is honest, no matter what, even if they would never get caught for something. That's a pretty good reputation to have, and it's the type of person that gets promoted. And if you're on salary, but for some reason clock in and out, then I would say don't worry about it as much,

because then you're just changing an entry in a spreadsheet that probably has no bearing on anything. But if you're hourly, then edit the timesheet and just be honest. You'll feel better about it. it's the right thing to do. And also, Jason, I don't know about this. This is speculation, but if I'm an employer and I'm looking at work that's gotten completed or done, I would probably say, all right, how long did it take this person to complete this job? And I would look to promote the

people that are able to finish the most work quickly because they're technically worth more money than somebody who takes more time to do the same amount of work. Correct. You don't know if they're monitoring this. So you might actually be hurting yourself by letting that hour average in to your productivity. Very good point. Very good point. Yeah. I think the one thing that you said that is really good, just, you know, tell them, get it fixed, and you're going to look like somebody who cares, honestly. That's really what it comes down to. It's like, I'm not trying to bilk the company. This is what happened. No big deal, but I wanted to bring it to your attention. And the only thing that come out of this is good. You know, yeah, you lose an hour's pay, but hey, you got a nap in the process.

So do the right thing. All right, Jace, what's next? Jordan. I'm 32 years old and am retiring from a 10-year professional athletic career. I've saved a solid chunk of change and have the luxury to take some time to navigate my next career move. I have a BA in economics, but I'm unsure what I really want to do next. I've been contemplating the idea of going back to school. What are your thoughts on higher education degrees versus real job experience? Also, if you were in my position, what would be your game plan to most effectively execute a career change and figure out what career will best fit my future? Thanks for your advice. Athlete on the move. There's a joke among law students and lawyers that if any of us would have worked in a law office for a summer before applying to law school, the place would be empty.

So, I remember hearing that quite a bit from people. And then, of course, one person in the corner would be like, I worked at a law office and we're like, oh, that makes sense. That's, yes, that makes sense. You were born to be a lawyer. You're the one person in the room that definitely should be in this profession. You know, no disrespect intended. They were the type of person that we all kind of secretly wished we were. Conscientious had the ambition to be a lawyer, had a passion for the law, and we're all like, uh-oh, I don't have that. Should I be here? And the answer is no. Many jobs, especially those with large companies, they

require college degrees. Of course, most companies don't say which degree, because they actually don't care, like at all. As you're probably well aware, most degrees, especially undergraduate degrees, they don't really qualify you in the technical sense for pretty much anything. With the exception of trades, of course, engineering, architecture, things like that. Since you've already got a BA in economics, you're pretty much qualified for any job that's not a trade, law, medicine, engineering, all that stuff. So no, I would not go back to school unless you are specifically aiming at a trade or a job that requires that degree for a darn good reason. Don't just believe what you see here on the web. You'll know it's required by working at the

company first and speaking to the people that matter. Don't look at what's on the website. don't listen to what some random intern in the HR department says on the phone and is reading off of the so-called requirements list for a position. Things are flexible when they find the right person without you having spent four years getting a degree and whatever so that you're technically qualified. They can waive all that stuff. Since you've already proven on paper that you can get a degree from a four-year institution, I'd say you don't need another one barring special circumstances.

Job experience rules the day. I would strongly consider getting some entry-level jobs in the fields that you're exploring. It doesn't have to be entry-level, entry-level. You don't have to become a bank teller or something like that in order to work at a bank and corporate. I just mean start working in corporate, even if you think, oh, but I want to do this other thing. Just get your foot in the door in the same area that you want to work, and that will give

you some great insight into what you want to do with your life and the real work behind it. A lot of people think that a field is one way when really the whole day-to-day is completely different. the insight that you want to get. And yeah, the pay might be lower because you're just getting your feet wet somewhere, but you can see what it's really like working for a specific company or industry. And if you find that you're running into walls with some more traditional companies, you might try the tech sector as many of those companies are a bit more forward thinking and respect different types of experience a bit more, I would say a bit more so than some of the

stodgy behemoths might do. So they might say, wow, you spent 10 years as a pro athlete, you would be a great fit for our sales department. Do you think you can go out and meet clients and be charming and get them to buy our software as a service product? That might be the kind of thing you're really good at because you're used to being competitive, working with other people, team mentality, that kind of stuff, getting up early, you know, putting the reps in,

that might be better qualification than somebody who's got a degree in XYZ and two years of experience selling widgets. Since you've got the luxury of time, I would make a list of the type of things that interest you, and do some informational interviews in those industries. So you're going to want to network, make inroads, make connections, find people in the companies, do phone calls or ideally meet with them in person, and ask about the situation

on the ground. Find out what they do day to day. A lot of people might even be interested in your pro athletics background, so they might say, yeah, sure, come to the office and we'll do coffee, and I'll tell you what it's really like working in the accounts receivable department here at Dropbox, whatever it is. A lot of people will be surprisingly open to meet you. And then apply for positions based on your experience and their experience as conveyed to you during these informational interviews.

And there are different ways to go about this, but I would say the least effective, the least efficient way by far is to go back to school for four more years. If you do that, you'll come out in three or four years. You'll be right back where you started, but tens of thousands of dollars lighter in the wallet for having done so. Okay, what's next? Hey, many Jays. A friend of mine has been publishing articles about stuff he cares about with the aims of raising his profile at work in identifying a sideline business. So far so good. The issue is that he can be careless with spelling, punctuation, and grammatical style and really needs to get on top of his editing. His latest work is riddled with such errors, and I feel they take away from the professional finish he's aiming for. He asked me to look it over to check if anything was missing from the content, and while I couldn't find fault with that, the mistakes greater. on me. Rather than give him a laundry list of fixes, I pointed out the more glaring errors,

such as some blatantly incorrect apostrophes and a misspelled name. How do I tactfully suggest that he needs an editor? I could do it, but I worry that I might alter the tone from his voice to my own, since it's not my area of expertise. Kind regards, the non-editor. Well, I would go with a little radical candor here from the Kim Scott episode of the show. I think he is going to want to hear what you have to say. Also, if you ever listen to Sam Harris, he wrote a book on lying and about why you should literally never do it. I would put yourself in his shoes. Be polite about it, of course. You know, you don't have to be insulting or anything, but right now, think about this. He's doing negative advertising right now. You might need to show him this. Hey, I want to get a side hustle,

so I'm doing a little personal branding. Yes, this is negative branding. It's actually contrary to the reason that you're doing this at all. If I were looking to hire somebody and I was thinking, oh, who knows a lot about XYZ topic? And there was one person that I met, and they seemed to know a lot during the interview, but they hadn't written anything or done anything online. And then there was another person that seemed to know a lot about the topic, and they'd written a bunch of stuff online,

but it all had grammar and spelling errors in it. I probably would actually choose the person that hadn't done the extra work in the writing, but I would ask for a writing sample from him as well, because I don't want somebody like that who's not detail-oriented working for me in the company. It's embarrassing. It's also bad branding for the company. And the fact that he doesn't realize it. Look, if you find a typo in an article, not a big deal.

If you find 17 typos in every article, that's a problem. It shows lack of attention to detail. It shows that they're cool having negative branding attached to them and they don't even notice. They're oblivious. That's really, really bad. That's worse than nothing at all. He's going to appreciate you for this when you explain it clearly. Look, he can hire someone on Fiverr or TaskRabbit or wherever these websites.

are to do proofreading, they can do it from the UK or the middle of America or the friggin Philippines if they're an English teacher or something like that. They can do it on the cheap if needed. Don't volunteer to do it for him because this is a job that takes time. You don't want the extra work and responsibility, especially since like you said, it might alter the tone of what he's writing. And it's going to mess with your friendship. Why is this your responsibility? You're already doing plenty of work pointing this out to him in the first place. If he wants to do this, he should hire a proofreader. It's probably going to cost him 30 bucks an article and it's completely worth it. You know what he could also do is just sign up for a grammarly account.

What's that? You've never heard of grammarly? No. Oh, it is AI grammar correction. So it will find those apostrophes. It will find those commas and offer suggestions to make your writing better. Wow. That's really cool. Yeah. If you don't want to actually ask him about, you know, hey, maybe sign up for some grammarly stuff, maybe you can just get his email and sign him up for some newsletters. Just do it on the sly on the back end. That's really interesting. I actually had no idea that that existed. So yeah, he could hire someone to do that and then just have somebody else do a quick sanity check. The thing is, if you're not using a spell checker, I'm really suspicious of you at that point. What program are you even writing in that doesn't tell you,

hey, this is a misspelled word? Even Apple notes on your phone will tell you if you have a a misspelled word. I don't think it'll do grammar, but it will at least tell you that you spelled something wrong. So I'm almost like impressed in the wrong way about where he's writing something. Yeah. Yeah. Where are you writing something that doesn't have spell check? I'm trying to even think what app would have that. He's got like word on an old version of XP in the corner. I know. I mean, even my text messages spell check these days. Maybe he's writing it longhand on a piece of paper and then OCRing it and it just keeps everything. I'm just shocked. Yeah. Maybe he's writing on a napkin and then, yeah, scanning it. Life Pro Tip, I love this app for Mac. It's called

bartender. It could be janky sometimes, but what it does is, you know all those little icons on the menu bar next to the clock, Jason? Oh, yeah. You get like 50 of those over time. They start adding up. They start crowding into the menus on your laptop or on your computer screen. Oh yeah. I use ISAT menu, which you can just overload the entire menu bar with all the stats about your computer. So I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, I've got that too. I love by step menu. But yeah, it adds like, oh, you're uploading download. How full is my hard drive? The weather outside, all that stuff. Yeah, pretty much everything. What's your dog feeling like today? Exactly. Yes, I have a zillion icons and I'm like, oh, I only want to see those occasionally. So I use bartender and it hides things

in a sub menu. It's actually super, super helpful. Also, I got this app for Matt called Endurance. And it was 20 bucks. There's a trial, of course. It's called Endurance. And what it does is when you're on battery power, you can click Power Save mode. Yes, it'll dim the screen. You can able to disable that. But it will also pause background apps that might be checking for email or using the internet

or doing some other sort of background process to make the app faster. So it slows down the computer, but if you're just surfing the web, reading, if you're just watching a movie in the foreground but all these other apps are in the background, or if you're checking your email and writing email,

it can add like 15 to 20% of battery life depending on your battery, your laptop, the condition of the battery. It's really, really nice. Jason, I know you use, we both use fruit juice. Yeah, fruit juice is fantastic because it keeps your battery conditioned over time. It'll tell you how much time every day you need to unplug, because if you're one of those people to just keep your laptop plugged in to a monitor and a keyboard all day, you're basically just killing your battery by just putting in juice all the time. Fruit juice will just let you know, like, okay, today you need to unplug it for 20 minutes. Then the next day, okay, maybe 30 minutes this day or 10 minutes this day. And then every 30 days,

you run a maintenance cycle where you drain it down and then bring it back up. And it really helps the battery life extend on your laptops because I'm running 2014 MacBook Pros and I did have to replace the battery in one of them. But I did get a lot longer life out of it than I would if I wasn't using fruit juice. And I think bartender, fantastic app suggestion. I love it. You're the one that originally turned me onto it a couple years ago and it's on all my machines. Oh, nice. Endurance is a new one. And now that I've got a little MacBook Air, I could definitely use it because that thing drains pretty quick. Surprisingly, even though they say it'll last forever. So I'm looking forward to that one. And then fruit juice. You've got the trifecta there of great little apps. Yeah. Yeah,

I thought I would share these because people are always like, oh, what's that? What's that do? And then they try it and they're like, this is amazing. How do more people not know about this? And so, yeah, you're welcome. Fruit Juice, Bartender, Endurance, we'll link to all those in the show notes. And we both mentioned ISAT menus, which is also a fantastic app that if you want to have another one that's running up there, but it will tell you your CPU, your network traffic. And the one that I really like is if you're on a laptop, it shows you your sensors and how hot your computer is getting. And you can even turn the fan up higher in the menus, if you don't mind the noise, to cool it down. So if it's on your lap and it's getting really hot, you can just jank up the fan

and cool it down quite a bit so it's not as uncomfortable for like long writing sessions on your lap. Ah, that's interesting. I did not actually know about that. I never used that. Yeah, that's a fantastic one. You can see all of the sensors. It's an information overload. And it's just also fun to see how much, like, data that your computer is actually giving you that you never even saw before. Recommendation of the week, Broken.

I loved this. This is on Netflix. It's called Broken. Counterfeit makeup is a bigger business than cocaine. Go figure. I know. Vaping and addicted teens, big tobacco cashing into that, furniture killing people, and how it contributes to illegal logging and national partners.

in Eastern Europe, and how recycling is kind of a sham in a lot of ways. In fact, experts are starting to call what we're doing wish cycling, because people throw everything in the recycle bin. It's like, hey, 1% of that is recyclable. Everything else just goes to a landfill in Malaysia. It's just really, really bad. But I loved this series, broken on Netflix, four-part series. So interesting.

Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. If you want to go to prison with us, February 26, 2020, It's going to be a great time. Email me, prison at jordanharbinger.com. We'll get you in there. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com.

Quick shout out to Melissa Kellogg and John Bjork. That must be a confusing name for people. Bjork. How many people do you think ask if they're related, not knowing that? It has to be tons. Tons of people have to do that. Yeah, thanks for writing in suggestions

of what to call the listeners. I'm still taking suggestions. What should we call you? People are like, the bingers, the J crew. I don't know. I'm not in love with any of these yet. I'm still open to ideas. Maybe something will grow on me.

I don't know. Feel free to shoot me an email, Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. Go back and check out the guest friend this week. Doug Williams about the polygraph. The lie detector is a lie, if you haven't heard that yet. And if you want to know how I managed to book all these interesting, unique, amazing people and manage my relationships,

I use systems, I use tiny habits. It's just a few minutes a day. Jordanharbinger.com slash course. That course, again, is free. It's just a few minutes a day. It will change the game the way you network. It's not fluff. It's crucial.

It's been great for the business as well. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm also on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. That's a great way to get a hold of me. Videos of our interviews are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube as well. And you can check out my tech podcast, grumpy old geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the internet and who's to blame along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, movies, and more. That's grumpy old geeks.

and we just actually published episode 400. Wow. We're not going anywhere anytime soon, so feel free to check that one out. This show is created an association with podcast one, and the episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jace Sanderson. Show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty,

music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in your questions to Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own, and yes, I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer, so do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipe.

Very excited for 2020. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format.

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