The Jordan Harbinger Show - 310: Should I Fudge My Age in Dating Apps? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: February 7, 2020

As an active 45-year-old woman who is usually mistaken for someone 10 years younger, you're throwing your hat back in the dating game after six years. You realize that if you put your actual age on your dating app profile, you'll probably get filtered out by the age range of men you're looking for. Friends have encouraged you to put down 37 or 38 as your dating profile age so you'll still fall within the desired search results, but you're uncomfortable about the deception. In a situation like this, should you fudge your age in dating apps? We'll break down this and much more on the latest Feedback Friday right here! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/310. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: When you're active and appear 10 years younger than you are, is fudging your age in dating apps acceptable if you're only trying to fool the search algorithm and not potential matches? You never really bonded with your mother and you'd like to change that now, but she considers you "selfish." How much responsibility do both parties have to create familial closeness? There's a family rift between your father and uncle thanks to inheritance drama. You'd like to invite your aunt to your wedding, but don't want to appear disloyal to your father. What's the right thing to do? You've noticed that people who are very successful seem to have mastered the skill of remembering people's names, but you're terrible at it. How can you get better at remembering the names of people you meet? You have an amazing new job opportunity, but you've been planning a gap year to travel abroad and the timing couldn't be worse. Should you trust your gut and travel even though this opportunity might never come your way again? What are your options? How do you strike a balance between being an entrepreneur and a family man without neglecting your spouse and new baby -- or the needs of the nascent company you've worked hard to build? Life Pro Tip: Google your kid's prospective name before they're born. This way, when their name is googled, people won’t see news of some a-hole criminal with the same name. Recommendation of the Week: Pandemic A quick shout out to Eric Hulbert! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFilippo. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. If you're new to the show, Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, to thinkers and performers. And this week we had Chris Buckner talking about the dangers of counterfeit goods. This was absolutely fascinating.

We had a walkthrough of a warehouse in LA run by Chris and the LAPD where there's tens of millions of dollars in counterfeit goods. And it's not just handbags and hats, wallets, there's counterfeit electronics, counterfeit airbags that can kill you, counterfeit batteries that light on fire or blow up, counterfeit cancer drugs that kill the user, and counterfeit recreational drugs that kill the user. So there's a whole lot going on behind the scenes with counterfeit goods, and a lot of its gang-related human trafficking. This episode was just absolutely mind-blowing.

I had no idea. Chris Buckner, it's an earlier episode here this week. Go check that out. We also dug into the vault and ran an episode with Layla Ali. This is an amazing conversation with an athlete that lives in the legacy of another amazing athlete. She's a brilliant woman. She's a hard worker.

I really enjoyed this conversation, and I think you will as well. Of course, our primary mission here on the Jordan Harbinger show is to pass along our guests' insights and our own experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we're going to do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. We want to place just one brick in the structure that makes up your life. That's really what this podcast is all about. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com, and our prison trip is full.

I'm looking forward to seeing many, many, many of you in Reno for my 40th birthday in a maximum security prison. It's going to be just an absolute blast. A couple surprises waiting for us as well. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Dear JJ and Jay, I'm a 45-year-old woman considering putting up a dating profile again after having been away from internet dating for the past six years. I've had a couple of relationships during that time, and I'm now actually very happily single, having fun going out with friends and to meetups, etc. But I've been encouraged by friends to get out there on. I realize that if I put up my actual age on my profile, I'm probably going to be passed up by

the age range of men that I'm looking for, which is about 40 to 50. I'm super active, super in shape, super youthful in appearance, and in personality. No one can believe I'm 45. Everyone always guesses I'm about 35 or 36. And when I tell people I have two kids, they always assume they're in elementary school. Friends have told me to put 37 or 38 as my dating profile age, so I'll still fall within the search results of the men I'm looking for. I've always aired on the side of over-honesty, so this makes me uncomfortable.

Yet I know that if I actually put my real age, I'll probably miss out on meeting the guys who'll be my match in personality, active lifestyle, interests, et cetera. What do you guys think about this, and should I fudge the numbers? Thanks for your help. 45 going on 35. So the obvious answer to this one is, no, you can't lie, because if you lie about this, you're starting relationships off on a lie and that's bad and there won't be trust and blah, blah, blah. But the cold truth is for many of us on dating sites.

We kind of need to lie. Why? Well, if we don't know someone already, then we don't have that affinity for them, which overlooks minor flaws or minor incompatibilities or things that we think our flaws are incompatibilities, but don't matter at all. For example, if I make $98 grand per year,

but I put down $100,000 and someone's search range excludes me, does that really make a lot of sense? Do you think that someone who puts 510 and up on their search would really care if someone is 5'8, but great for them in pretty much every other way? I don't think so. So you've got to get your foot in the door. Also, this changes as we get older. For example, a 21-year-old who makes, let's say, $23,000 a year as a server in a restaurant,

that's normal. But it's far less attractive to many people if you're in your mid to late 30s and you're making the same amount. The conclusion isn't that older people are less ethical. it's that the ability of search criteria to match you properly degrades as the people using it increase in age. That's my opinion, of course. But as we get older,

the ability of these apps and match sites to actually match you properly degrades because the criteria starts to widen out a little bit. The man who lies online sees himself as insecure, not untrustworthy. Might be a little ironic, but there is a crucial difference here. And lying, while by no means, morally defensible, So, of course, ideally you wouldn't lie at all.

It's at least understandable from a practical standpoint. People, for the most part, don't lie because they're bad folks who can't tell the difference between right and wrong. They, fib, because they're just insecure, that telling the truth will eliminate them from contention before they ever get a chance to meet. So if you've got nothing to hide, this never occurred to you. Right now, on 39, I've got a great company that I own a solid education, more income I thought that I would have had at this age, there's no real incentive to lie unless I want to

round up my height an inch so I can meet thousands more people who might not care that I rounded my height up an inch. As my friend Evan Mark Katz once said, the guy who's been separated for 18 months and his wife won't sign the divorce papers, the guy who lost his prestigious job and hasn't quite landed on his feet yet, the guy who was never formally educated but is very wise from life and business experience, he knows that you will not give him a chance if he tells the truth. And since you won't give him a chance, he's going to give himself a chance. Obviously, if you're lying through your teeth, that'll backfire on you 90% of the time. But to the people who are lying, they see it as the only means to get in front of you.

Because the truth is, you won't go out with the five, six guy a lot of the time, the guy who makes less than you. So don't deny it. The evidence to support this assertion, this is overwhelming. Of course, that doesn't include everyone, but it's widely true. And of course, if you're on a dating site, you are going for what is widely accepted or widely practiced. because you're casting a wide net. So while I don't know where the line is between the acceptable white lie

and bald-faced deception, a couple ground rules. Don't lie about being of childbearing age if you are not. Some people have goals that include having a family naturally, and it's unfair to misrepresent yourself in that way. Two, come clean about the lie

on the first or the second date. You don't need to keep up the facade for very long. The first one to two dates is a good time to let the other person know that you're just a touch under six feet, and if they have a problem with that, that's on them, their loss, whatever. It shouldn't be a big deal at that point. Three, don't make it a massive lie.

Don't talk with a British accent for the first few dates and then expect the other person to be totally okay with it when you come clean. If you're using filters or a decade-old photos, realize that your deception is what's making you an unattractive ass, not the way you happen to look in real life. So with these rules in mind, I think it's not ideal,

but possibly acceptable from a, practical standpoint to stretch the truth a little bit in order to fool not the people, but the algorithm. Just make sure you come clean to the human on the other end of that algorithm as soon as possible so that you're both living in the same reality. Again, I don't like lying. I try not to lie at all and I recommend you do the same, but I understand from an algorithm standpoint, from an algorithmic standpoint, why you get suboptimal results if you put things in 100% honestly. So in the end, the choice is up to you, but I understand both decisions. Good luck getting back in the game. Jason, what's next? Dear Jordan, Jason, and Jen, I'm a 27-year-old

woman and a child of Vietnamese immigrants. I grew up in a strict Asian household where I was rarely allowed to go to parties or sleepovers with friends. This was for my protection so that I wouldn't be influenced by bad kids. My dad was stern and difficult to get along with. My mom spent a lot of her time taking care of my sister who has a developmental disability and autism. Both worked long hours to provide for the family, so there wasn't much room for quality time other than nightly dinners, in silence mostly, watching TV and weekly grocery runs. Despite everything, I've been a dutiful daughter with no rebellious streak. I did well in school, graduated with a physics degree, and got a well-paying job out of college. I've always been responsible, self-sufficient, and disciplined.

I even helped my mom with a down payment on a house and have the mortgage under my name. Recently, my mom lamented that our relationship isn't close. She remarked that I was selfish and always in my own world when I was younger and closed off to family interaction. It's difficult for me to open up with anyone, not just my family. She also said I don't call enough to ask her how she's doing. She's right about that, and I feel terrible. Truthfully, I don't call often because I never know what to talk about and struggle

to express myself due to our language barrier. It ends up being awkward. All my life, I made sure to consider how my decisions impact our family. So it made me upset to hear that she thought I was selfish. I'm troubled by what she said and feel guilty that I didn't try to improve our relationship when I was a kid. My father died of lung cancer when I was 21, so it's too late to recover my relationship with him. I know it's not too late for my mom, but was it wrong of me not to take initiative to patch things

up earlier? Is my behavior really selfish? And should my parents have demonstrated desire to behaviors, or should I have known what to do naturally? And how much responsibility do both parties have to create familial closeness? I don't know if Jen has an option on this coming from a Chinese background, but I'd love to hear her thoughts if she does. Also, I'm starting to see a therapist.

Thanks, the distant daughter. A couple things stick out here. You can't change the past, so stop thinking about what you should or could have done. And for the record, as a kid, I just don't think it's your job to reach out to your parents and work on your bond with them. That's a bizarre kind of frame here. Kids are inherently more selfish. I'm putting that in air quotes than most adults when it comes to things like this.

that's completely normal. That's what kids are like, especially when they're learning how to deal with their own lives. Your mother didn't seem to be reaching out to you back then either, at least not to the point where she was working on the relationship.

Where were her efforts? Yes, she was working on your sister or raising your sister, but if she was focused on that, what do you think her reaction would have been if you were like, Mom, I feel like we're not close, let's work on our relationship. She probably would have yelled at you

because she was busy. I mean, I don't want to put intent or words in your mom's mouth, but let's be real here. If she was slammed then, then it might not have worked. And it just really isn't your place, your position to do that. I've never known any kid that's going to do that. And it sounds a whole lot like she's rationalizing past behavior,

realizing she made a mistake by focusing only on your sister. And then now she's pinning it on you because she's lonely. And you sound like a very successful person in terms of your accomplishment. So congrats on that. I think you focused on what your parents probably taught you to focus on. This is also very common in all families, not just Asian families, but, well, especially in many Asian families from what I see in my inbox and what I hear from all of my friends, 90% of which are Asian now that I live in Silicon Valley. But you're right. It's not too late for your mom and you. But no, it wasn't wrong of you not to take initiative earlier. There was no reason you should have been thinking about this earlier. Your mother wasn't ready earlier. So stop beating yourself up because of this. You really don't have to do that. I know it might be a habit, but just please stop. You're not helping at all. Your behavior was not selfish. You were growing up, you were focused on school and work just like your parents wanted.

It's only now that your mother wishes she had been different. It sounds like she doesn't know her own emotions very well and is thus blaming it on you in order to outsource guilt and probably to control the situation slash control you through that guilt. And as for knowing what to do naturally, no, there's no reason that growing up in a household and in that environment would have yielded a person who at a very young age decides to take the reins on creating a strong emotional bond with their parents.

It's a totally different home environment that they're asking you to create or that you're asking yourself to have created. It's way too much to ask any one person in a home, especially a child in that home. And lastly, yes, you now both have some responsibility to create familial closeness or a bond of some type if that is what you want. You and her, not just her. Honestly, you have your own life now. You have to ask what you want out of your relationship with your mother.

Right now, it sounds like she never knew what she wanted and or never communicated that to anyone, and now she regrets how things turned out. There's just no universe in which that outcome is somehow your fault. It's the way things shook out due to circumstances and due to the environment your parents set up and that you grew up in. Now, you can try to rebuild a relationship with your mother, but it won't be easy, and you have to ask yourself if you actually want to do this, or if you just feel guilty because you haven't. That's a big difference there.

I think the answer to that question is one that you should actually explore with a therapist or counselor before you decide on a plan of action with your mother. Check out betterhelp.com slash Jordan. The reason I think you need a counselor here is because you need to decide what you want. You don't just want to react to your mother's guilt trip here. Like, oh, I didn't do this.

I'm such a bad daughter. I better do this better. And then you come up with all these actions and then she's still not satisfied because that's kind of her game right now. I don't know if that's going to be the case, but neither do you. And then you're both miserable as a result

and you feel guilty. I decided deliberately not to go into strategies to rebuild the bond with your mother here in the answer. Because I really do think you should speak to a professional first before deciding on what to do next and then strategize how to go about that.

I hope this helps. And please do check out betterhelp.com slash Jordan. They're not only a sponsor, but they will help you get through this in a way that is responsible and that serves your needs, which by the way, also matter here. So keep that in mind. And I hope that helps. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. When it's time to scale your business, it's time for Shopify. Get everything you need to grow the way you want. Like all the way. Stack more sales with the best converting checkout on the planet. track your cha-chings from every channel right in one spot and turn real-time reporting into big-time

opportunities take your business to a whole new level switch to shopify start your free trial today thanks for listening and supporting the show to learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard visit jordan harbinger.com slash deals and if you'd be so kind please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice it really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just head on over to Jordan Harbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. All right. Next up. Hey Jordan and Jason. Five years ago, my grandmother passed and left a will dividing everything equally between my dad and his three siblings. My uncle was

named executor of the will and almost immediately used the trust to funnel money to himself. For example, he paid himself $50,000 as a general contractor on a $10,000. worth of work on a house my grandmother owned. The situation escalated to the point of getting attorneys involved and divided the family, with my dad against my uncle and aunt. The other sibling has severe mental health issues and was largely left out of the discussions. The fight ended when my dad could no longer afford an attorney, and it looks like my uncle emptied whatever money was in the trust. My dad no longer speaks with either of them, and I understand why. I've tried to maintain a relationship with my aunt as I don't blame her as much and see her as guilty, mostly of believing my uncle over

my dad. Now, my wedding is coming up and I can't decide if I should invite her. Outside of the events of the will, we had a close relationship, and I believe my dad would be the bigger person and not cause a scene if she did come. But is it disloyal to my dad to invite her? And is there any hope of reconciliation if she did come? The whole thing has convinced to me that kids should not receive inheritance as it creates situations like this all too often. Thank you for any guidance you may have. Sincerely, worst inheritance ever. Yeah, yuck. Okay.

Well, this is really sad. To be honest, I totally get why you're pissed at your uncle and why your dad is pissed at your uncle as well. I mean, he literally robbed your grandmother, which is despicable and sleazy in every way. This probably didn't surprise your dad, though. You know, Jason, people like this have red flags prior to this, right? It's not like you're getting along great with everybody and your family and they're so great, and then suddenly you're shocked that they took a lot of.

bunch of money. It just, sleeves bags going sleeves, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. There's always something. This person has probably been like this their whole life and they knew it, you know? He's the one that, like, stole lunch money out of the mom's purse and things like that. Yeah, he's the spoiled brat who always got everything he wanted and then thought grandma still owes him because his life didn't turn out how he wanted to. Yeah. If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to your dad and ask what he thinks about inviting your aunt. Explain your rationale and what you think. But in the end, this is your day. If you want her there, you should have her there. And like you said, it's not going to result in a scene. Your dad's not going to do anything. I don't see it as disloyal. He might be a

little annoyed that she's there, but again, it's your day. Fair play to give your dad a warning, but it's up to you how or whether you want to take his feelings into consideration or give him some sort of veto power when it comes to your aunt. He may not care and he may also say, look, this is your day. It's not about me. And he'd be right. As for reconciliation, that's not really what happens at weddings. I mean, is it possible she gets a few drinks in her admits her fault and that her brother's a greedy piece of crap? Probably not. You know what, Jason, this has just occurred to me. I bet she's older and spoiled the baby brother who's the guy who stole the money. Just a guess. Yeah, he's probably the youngest of the lot, I bet. Yeah. So I

bet dad. Tell us if we're close here, worst inheritance ever. Your aunt sort of raised the two boys or maybe at least the youngest boy, he's the spoiled brat that stole the money and your dad was the good son. That sounds right to me. I totally see this happening because that kind of crap happened to my own family, honestly. So maybe I'm projecting here, but this is often how relationships work. Like, why would she believe the piece of crap brother who's clearly stealing? Oh, wait, she always takes his side because they have a different kind of relationship. Totally.

As Judge Judy would say, that has the ring of truth. That has a ring of truth. You know, Judge Judy, I don't watch it, but some of her. Insults are amazing. Oh, she's great. The other day she said, and I saw this on the internet, again, I don't watch the show, but she said, if you were my trophy at the end of a race, I would walk backwards. Nice one.

I'm like, dang, dude, whoever's writing her stuff? Genius. Just like sassy Jewish grandma's humor for days. She's writing it herself, man. I've been watching her for at least 15 years, and she is sharp as can be and loaded, too. We should get her on the show and be like, who's writing your stuff? she'd probably be like my grandma. Exactly.

I thought of everything my grandma would say in Yiddish and translated it. I guarantee you. Anyway, back to your much more important issue here. Yes, getting her there might be an important step or a good step in rebuilding a broken relationship between you and her, if that's what you want. But I would not pin my hopes on any sort of outcome when it comes to the wedding. I wouldn't pin my hopes on her giving your dad a big hug and then everything being peachy keen.

She put your dad through hell and helped your little brother rob your grandma. Like, that's not going to get fixed over a cocktail, you know. You're getting married, that's a good outcome. Beyond that, I wouldn't get my hopes up too much about things to shake out of the wedding. And lastly, you're right. Inheritance cause big messes some of the time, and people get greedy, especially crappy people or people in a lot of need. People are often unhappy.

They can't control themselves. It's a mess. On Jen's side of a family, one of her great uncles passed away, and he had decent wealth. I think it was quite significant. And he put all of this wealth into a trust that can only be used for family get-togethers each year. So he said, this can only be used basically to pay restaurant tabs. And I've been to several of these big family banquets because they invite a ton of other family and extended family because once people have kids, life gets in the way.

And it's easy to go years without seeing each other, so this is a good way to bring everyone closer together and have the funds to do it. And it's not like, oh, we can't go this year because Uncle George splits the bill and we don't have 500 bucks for everyone. It's like, it's taken care of. Of course, somebody has to administer this. But if the funds are allocated by an accountant or a lawyer and they can only be used for a restaurant tab once or twice a year, it's harder to skim the cash.

You'd have to set up a real scam to get a restaurant to kick you back and blah, blah, blah, blah, It's just unlikely. This is just food for thought. You probably don't have to think about right now, but I'll probably end up doing the same thing with my dough when I kick the bucket, which hopefully is not anytime soon. You can always just give it to me.

I'll take it. Save the problem. I'm hoping to outlast you. Okay. Probably will. Probably will. All right. What's next?

Hi, Jay Team. I struggle remembering people's names. I noticed that people who are very successful have mastered this skill. I've attended the Dale Carnegie course where they teach one method. What method do you use to remember names. Thanks, no memory for the names. Well, I'm the worst at this, by the way. I'll ask

somebody for a name and then forget to listen. It happens all the time. I know that happens with a lot of people actually. In fact, a lot of memory experts are saying it's not that names are hard to remember. It's that people forget to listen when they get other people's names. Jason, does that happen to you? Oh, I'm miserable at this. I can never remember anybody's name. I just say, look, man, I'm going to ask you for your name three or four times. Don't be offended. I'm faceblind. Yeah, I've tried to pull the whole I'm not good with names, but then my friend Chelsea, who I still remember her name, of course, and how to spell it, because it's weird. She, the spelling's weird, not the name. She said, oh, not good with names.

That's just an excuse for people who are either self-important and don't want to remember or that don't listen. And I went, oh, my God, you nailed it. That's totally my problem. It's not self-important. Well, maybe a little, but it's that I'm not listening. I'm not freaking listening. So what you can do is, well, of course, try to remember to listen, but there's tricks. to this, like say the name three times in your head. Don't be the weirdo who uses the name a bunch

early on. We've all kind of, you know, Jason, that person is like, oh, hello Jason, nice to meet you, Jason, Jason, Jason, what do you do? And you're like, got it. You went to Dale Carnegie last week. It's really weird. Stop. Yeah, that's awkward. It's awkward. It's very awkward. It's very weird. Do it in your head. Just say, Jason, nice to meet you, and then say Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, then when you repeat it back to them once, it's not weird, and then you can associate it with something that either rhymes, which is fine, or a mnemonic device. Like, maybe I'll imagine you wearing a hockey mask and holding an axe, and that's Jason from Friday at 13th.

The more ridiculous the association, the better. And a lot of people feel silly about this. They'll be like, I can't envision a walking hot dog for such and such and such. And it's like, yeah, envision a walking hot dog. If you try to remember the brand of hot dogs you saw at the grocery store last week, you're never going to remember that.

But if you think of a walking hot dog smoking a cigar or something, that's going to be a good mnemonic device that's going to last for a long time. My friend Ricky, I remember her name, well, because we're close friends, but I initially associated her with Live in the Vita Loca, which is a song that I can't stand. You're welcome for getting it stuck in your head right now. Jerk. She's very calm.

She's very measured. She's Danish, so she's not Loca at all. The association makes no sense, but I think of Ricky Martin. It's so silly that it works. And I've got friends that still remember my kindergarten teacher's name. I still remember her name. My friends, she wasn't even their teacher because her name, wait for it, was Mrs. Weenis. That was her name.

I know. Yeah, really. I'll let you figure out on your own what our association was. We needed no prompting as kindergartners to remember that association. And that's why the news traveled so fast back in kindergarten. My teacher's name is Mrs. Weenis. And my mom was like, that's not right. It's probably something else.

And then she was like, nope, sure enough, Mrs. Weanis, there's just no way you can pronounce W-E-E-N-I-S differently. Right? There's just not. Also, a little bonus, if you forget somebody's name, introduce them to someone else. My wife and friends are kind of in on this. So I'll say, Jen, I haven't introduced you. Hey, this is my wife, Jen. And then I sort of pause and Jen's like, hi, what's your name? And I go, oh, so silly of me. I forgot to introduce you, Greg, because he'll introduce himself to Jen. Right. So that's kind of the, oh, crap. I forgot who this person is, method of introducing. You sort of trick them into introducing themselves to somebody else. And then you go, oops, sorry, if forgot to introduce you or not, oops, I forgot your name, even though you told me 38 seconds ago. Also check out Jim Quick, episode 85 of this show. You can go to Jordan Harbinger slash 85. Jim gives us a lot of ways to remember things like names, one of which is, imagine there's a suitcase full of $100,000 cash for you or for the charity of your choice, if you just remember the name of the next person you meet. It's silly, but it does motivate, even though it's totally imaginary. Are you going to remember their name? Of course you are. You're going to be a memory expert.

There's nothing here that is diminished in your capacity to remember names. You don't have a lack of potential when it comes to remembering names. You don't have a brain that can't remember names. Your ability to remember a new name has to do with your intrinsic understanding of why it matters. Jim says, reasons reap results in remembering names. So it's not a memory problem. It's a focus problem. It's a conversation going on in your head instead of listening to other people problem.

Often for me, I talk over their name in my internal dialogue, which is not good. Focus on a particular feature of a person's face if you're having trouble with associations and associate them with that feature. So small ears, big nose glasses. Remember, you're not sharing this with anyone, so you don't have to be like, oh yeah, Tom's the guy that has a giant mole on the middle of his forehead. Don't worry about that. This is just for you.

There's all kinds of mnemonic devices in episode 85 with Jim Quick, which we will link in the show notes or go to join. Jordan Harbinger.com slash 85. And good luck out there. I'm curious what strategies you have to remember names because association's great, but if somebody else has something that's quick or funny or really useful, I'm all years. Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.

Hit me up there or tweet it at me at Jordan Harbinger. And I would love to share that with everybody else. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this. Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going and keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

All right, Jay, what's next? Hello, Jordan and team. I'm a lawyer with five years of working experience. I have a new job opportunity in one of the biggest law firms in my country. My father has worked there for over 30 years and has hit the top. Even though I'm happy with my current job, all inputs and comments from family, friends, and colleagues point me towards taking this job. job. Better paid, bigger firm, bigger opportunities, the dream job. But my gut, in the plan I had for the next years of my life, point me in the opposite direction. I'd planned on taking an adult gap year

to travel abroad, so I feel it's not the moment to commit to this type of job. But also, who knows if I'll get this opportunity again. Some unbiased opinions on how to deal with this kind of decision, the underlying pressure, and how to know when to trust your gut would be mostly appreciated. Thanks. Not ready for the golden handcuffs. This is kind of tricky, but I don't think it's as tricky as you think it is. I'm a firm believer in negotiation. If you didn't notice by all the negotiation questions that we have here on the show and the course that we're running a negotiation pretty soon, you can negotiate a gap year.

Many employers will understand. I know that you want a gap year. They might be like, how about a gap month? You know, they're going to try and counter. So there might be some back and forth on this, but you should ask if the opportunity will still be there in a year. And your dad's at the top. Ask him candidly.

He's like, look, am I effing this up if I take a year? He also might not know. He might say, of course you are. Get started as soon as you can. You never know if this is going to evaporate. And in a way, he's right. But you know who we'll know more is HR. You can get an offer in writing, negotiating a start date.

You're not saying, hey, can I interview for this position in a year? You're saying, yes, I'd love it. Start date January 2021. How's that? And they'll be like, ooh, that's way out there. And you say, yeah, but I'll take it. I won't look for other offers. you don't have to pay me.

There's a lot of bonus for this, and I'll go into that in a second. You should definitely try and negotiate this. Tell them you need a psychological break and you're going to come back refreshed. Also, tell them you plan on gaining language or other skills that may come in handy. But only do this if you kind of plan on it.

Don't go, yeah, I'm going to be traipsing around Brazil, drinking, and I have no intention of learning Portuguese. You can say, look, I've always wanted to learn XYZ language. I'm going to do an immersion program. It'll come in handy with certain clients, and I'll come back a better person because of it. You don't have to come back fluent. You just have to have some basics.

They're not going to quiz you. And I think this is a cop-out, but you can even say, yeah, the language learning was tougher than I thought. I think if you're going away for a year, you have a golden opportunity to study. And look, yes, you're traveling. Maybe you won't be in the same place speaking the same language the whole time.

Take lessons on Skype. You have tons of time if you have a year off. Spend an hour each morning talking online with a teacher and spend another half an hour to an hour learning vocabulary. Larry, and you will crush a language, almost any language you can learn at that rate. And trust me, learning a language like that, it'll make travel so much more fun. If you start to master Spanish and then you conquer South America by traveling all over it, well, bad choice of words. And you

travel all the way through South America, you're going to love that experience versus just going to some capital cities and speaking English and doing, you know, miming stuff to get attention and have conversation. It'll be more rewarding. But anyway, that's a tangent. Tell them you're going to go and learn language skills or other skills that might come in handy, don't worry about achieving real proficiency as a result. You're not going to get fired for not learning fluent Spanish. And this depends on how fast they need you. If they're just expanding and they're going to be hiring until they hit a certain quota and the hiring process is over the next two years, there's no reason that they need to have you come in right now. Ask your dad for his advice on this, but remember that he might recommend playing

it safe even if he doesn't know that you could negotiate this break. He probably, is really excited to work with you, so remember, his opinion is going to color this. Many companies understand that they need to keep talent happy and healthy. Unfortunately, personal experience here, law firms are often the last to get the memo on this because it's more of a traditional profession, but it is worth asking and worth trying to negotiate this. I will bring up the potential for a recession in the next few years. I think everybody kind of expects this. That may result in hiring freezes. It may be. results in layoffs of people of lower seniorities. So I don't want to scare you. I hate operating like that,

but I do think there's potentially going to be a recession, which means layoffs from everybody, including law firms. That's what happened to me. I was doing real estate. That wasn't a good choice, but that's what happened to me and all the people in my class. And we were the lowest on the totem pole. The whole firm ended up going out of business, so it became irrelevant. But you might keep that in mind if you come in in a year and then three months later, the work dries up and everybody else has been there for a year longer because they didn't do a gap year, that could be a problem for you. Then again, look, man, your dad's high up on the food chain and if he's at the top of the law firm, then he has some clout and might be able to stop that from happening. Yeah, it's nepotism. Do I feel

bad? No. Look, your dad worked his way up there. Use it. There's a good chance that you earned your way in here and that he put in a good word for you. There's no shame in that game. It's not like you're getting hired and you've never went to law school. Come on. Law firms are traditional. They're going to be stodgy about this potentially, but I think you should still try. Don't just delay the hiring process. That's the key. Accept the job and then come up with a start date that is several months or a year out. And you can also tell them you need time to wrap current projects at your existing firm. You'd like some rest and travel on the back end for sanity purposes. They don't have to know your exact termination date on your current job. You're not lying by

saying you need more time. Let them think you need a few months and then say you want six months on the back end of that to take a break and they'll say, well, that pushes your start date nine, 10 months? Well, okay, because then you're not just, hey, I want to go to Carnival and go Hog Wild for nine months. You're negotiating this in a different way. Remember, the firm chose you out of all the candidates that it interviewed, regardless of why. They want you to start sooner because they believe that you will be a valuable member of the team. So don't be afraid to ask for what you need. And like, time off between jobs is technically a vacation where your new employer won't actually have to foot the bill, pay you, worry about benefits, worry about coverage while you're out of the office.

It's better for them and for you to take a vacation now rather than taking a vacation during the middle of your year. In fact, if it really comes down to it, you can sacrifice some of your PTO and vacation after you start if you think that that will sweeten the deal. I wouldn't start with that, though. I would take whatever you can get. I think if you negotiate this and you try to negotiate this, you can come to an agreement that might surprise you and your dad.

And I do think that, look, man, now between jobs, this is the single best time to go travel. If you're at a firm where your dad is a partner, the odds of you being able to take another few months off to a year before you make partner, pretty much zero. All right, last but not least. Hey, Jordan. I didn't take my career seriously enough through my early 20s and really up until this past year. In 2019, my wife and I traveled, sold it. bought a house, engaged and married, and are now expecting a baby in July. Congratulations.

Life is great, but I want to grow my income. I'm afraid it's too late. This year I'll be getting my arborist's license, and if time permits with the baby, a crane operator certification. I believe my best chance is to start a new company and grow from there. How do I balance being an entrepreneur without neglecting my family? Thanks, signed. Maybe it's too late? Congrats on the new baby coming. I echo that. I don't think it's too late at all. Don't do this sort of internet influencer thing where they're like, go all in, quit this and just work, burn the midnight oil. None of that is really necessary.

Don't go all in. Scale slowly as a side hustle until the only thing that can't scale is you. I've talked about this on the show before, but definitely get your arborist license. Get the crane operator certification if you think it's going to help. I think all of that will build a solid income, a solid career, and you can eliminate time-wasting activity, like television at night. Yes, you're relaxing with your wife, but I would make it more conscious, like, let's watch this specific movie, this specific documentary, not just turn on the TV and zone out.

Don't waste weekends doing things that can be easily outsourced, like yard work, chores, spend time with your family, spend time with your kids, and then work on your business. People think, oh, I'm lazy if I don't cut the lawn. I'm lazy if I don't trim the trees. I'm lazy if I don't clean the basement. That's not a good economic use of your time. You're trying to build an economic asset that builds more income. If you're spending time doing stuff that other people can do, that's just bad time management.

It's bad financial management. It's like delaying something that's going to pay you to do a job that you could use less money to pay someone else. This is sort of Econ 101 division of resources. You might have guilt that goes along with it, but you need to get over that. My dad worked outside and cut the lawn for years after I left and went to college. And I was like, how much would it cost to have a team come and, and cut the lawn, he's like, oh, it's like 30 bucks, 40 bucks, 50 bucks, whatever it was. And I was like, yeah, and how long is it taking you?

And he's like, well, you know, I'm older, it takes about four hours ago. So you spend four hours working outside, maybe five, you get a sunburn every weekend, you're not getting any younger, you hate doing it, you're sweaty, you've got a shower, then you sit down, you're too tired to do anything else for the rest of the day. It takes up the whole day for 40 bucks. And he's like, yeah, you're right, because he was raised that way and so was I. Remember that doing stuff like that, those little tiny things, that's ROI negative. You're not just being lazy.

There is value to your time because you are building an asset and you have a family. Spending time with your family might not have a monetary value because it's priceless. You can start a business as a side hustle and scale it. Most business owners actually do this. The whole leave my job, go all in on a startup. It's a loud minority, especially in tech, especially on social media. it gets a lot of attention because one in 25,000 companies hit it big enough to make the news or you hear about it because of selection bias, right? You don't hear about all the companies

that fail or the people that screw up their lives. You hear about the one in 10,000 or whatever it is that hit it. You don't hear about the consultant who worked outside the office and on weekends for three to five years before striking out on his own. You don't hear about the lawyer who worked at a firm and then hung up his own shingle or the lawyer that builds a book of business and starts his own practice. But in reality, this is how most businesses actually begin. You don't need to pull something dramatic. You don't need to have 27 hours a day to run and start a business.

You just need to be disciplined, cut out things that waste time, use your time well, and scale in addition to having an income so that you are stable. Huge, huge congrats on being a dad and on starting your own business. You should be in no rush for this. Run your own race. Don't listen to the influencers on social media. Do this in a way that is stable and secure. Limit the amount of stress you put yourself under

and your family under, especially this early in the game. Pro tip of the week, grabbed this from Reddit. Love these pro tips on Reddit. We'll link to it in the show notes. Google your kid's prospective name before they are born. This way when their name is Googled, people won't see news of some a-hole criminal with the same name. Now, you can't avoid people committing crimes later.

Of course, your kid can, you know, use his middle name or something. That's why I recommend using a middle name as well. But from Reddit, here's an example. When you're trying to pick a baby name, make sure you Google the first and last name. This user on Reddit says, my child is older, but I realized I messed up a year ago, did a quick Google search to find out my son is named after a high-ranking officer in the Confederate Army and gave probably the most racist speech in the history of the United States. Whoops!

Yeah. Whoops! does not help that we're white and in the deep south. We certainly didn't know that when we named him. We struggled finding a name and when we could finally agree upon one, we were down to only the middle name. Middle name doesn't match, but still kind of a problem. He says, I'm not really worried, but still a good life pro tip. It's not like his name is Hitler. Yeah, but it does suck to have Google results be impossibly buried underneath somebody who's terrible. Yeah. People will know it's not your kid because he wasn't alive 100 years ago or whatever, but it's still kind of a problem,

especially if he wants to start a business or anything. Then again, it could be really good because people Google him and go, ah, we're never going to find him in this mess of Confederate speeches that clearly weren't him. But hey, if you want that kind of anonymity, then just name your kid John Smith or something like that and be done with it. Nobody will ever be able to find him online. Recommendation of the week, pandemic on Netflix. This is very timely. This came out pretty much right when the Wuhan coronavirus came out.

This is about the flu, the battle against influenza, officials and kind of heroes on the front lines, learning about efforts to stop the next global outbreak. It's not going to be some weird, crazy new virus that causes a global outbreak most likely. It's going to be the flu. And virologists and infectious disease specialists are kind of unanimous on this. It's not necessarily going to be a super bug caused by antibiotic resistance. That might come later. But the next global pandemic is going to be something.

like influenza, starting in India, China, and just spreading like wildfire in those places coming to countries like ours where people who are immunocompromised or just unlucky, get it. And it can kill tens or, they're guessing a big flu pandemic will kill hundreds of millions of people. So to give you an idea, it might kill the equivalent number of people that live in the entire United States, for example. Jesus. Yeah, yeah, easily. or like half or two-thirds of the amount of people that live here.

Not that it will kill two-thirds of the United States, just globally it will kill that many people, which can destabilize governments and everything, cause massive, massive problems. So they're trying to fight the flu, not just with vaccines and things like that, but with prevention, and it's really, really hard, especially in developing countries.

So I thought pandemic, which is a little mini-series, very, very interesting. Pandemic on Netflix, we'll link it in the show notes. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Quick shout out to Eric Hulbert, who said that he listened to the Simon Sinek interview, and he always knows that any guest we have on the show is going to have a unique angle because

of all the prep that we do. So thank you so much for noticing that. Whenever I get somebody on that's been on a bunch of shows, I try to get a different show out of that guest. And it's good to know that we succeed in doing that. Go back and check out Chris Buckner and Leila Ali. Those were the guests from this week, if you haven't heard them yet. And if you want to know how we manage to book all these great people, manage relationships and my giant network, I use systems and I use tiny habits. Check out our six-minute networking course, which is free over at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. The problem, if you delay on this, is that you can't really make up for lost time when it comes to networking and relationships. Dig the well before you get thirsty. Once you need

relationships, it's too late to ask for help from those new relationships. So build them before you need them. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show, and videos of our interviews are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. Jason? You can check out my tech podcast, grumpy old geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the

internet and who's to blame, along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, and more. That's grumpy old geeks. This show is created in association with podcast one. This episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jay Sanderson. Show notes by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com.

Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own. And yes, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, so do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline and very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

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