The Jordan Harbinger Show - 334: I Was Supposed to Die Five Years Ago | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

A brain tumor had doctors guessing you should have died five years ago, but hard work and luck have reduced it by 50 percent and arrested its progress. Would it be wishful thinking to start long-term planning and getting your life back on track? We'll tackle this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: https://jordanharbinger.com/334. On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: A brain tumor had doctors guessing you should have died five years ago, but hard work and luck have reduced it by 50 percent and arrested its progress. Would it be wishful thinking to start long-term planning and getting your life back on track? How can you encourage someone to make a business out of a hobby they're really good at? More important: should you? In a world where nobody seems to listen for longer than five seconds, how can you politely have a conversation with people in a way that won’t just lead to temporary change? Your side hustle is related to your main job. Is it reasonable to leverage your paid time to work on things that benefit you personally? When your significant other had a traumatic childhood and shares the dark thoughts that haunt them with you, what can you do as a partner to be supportive without turning into a surrogate parent or therapist? You want to be able to work with anyone, but you have a passive-aggressive and prickly coworker who refuses to engage with you. What can you do to defuse the tension and build a proper work relationship? Life Pro Tip: If you are under a mandatory shelter-in-place order and feel the need to leave the house, blood donation is a qualified reason to leave. Not only are you getting out of the house and having some human contact, but you are providing society with a much-needed service. Set up an appointment and fill out the questionnaire beforehand. (Obviously don’t do this if you are feeling ill!) (Anti-)Recommendation of the Week: 100 Humans (It's a fun watch, but filled with junk science and biased politics. Don't go into this expecting anything beyond entertainment and you should be fine.) A quick shout out to Heather Lewis, who says episodes 246 and 321 helped give her the power to deal with the narcissists in her life and the means to secure high-level connections in her network! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFilippo. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. If you're new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, thinkers, and performers. week we had Rachel Den Hollander who blew open the USA Gymnastic scandal resulting in hundreds of victims taking down their accuser. And Isaac Lidsky, the only blind person to serve as a law clerk for the U.S. Supreme Court. He's also an entrepreneur who's once a child actor on a popular 90s sitcom, which is, you know, random to say the least. But he considers going blind in his

20s a blessing, and we discuss how our brains construct reality based on our own mental models, some of which we can control. It's a great exercise in reframing luck in events that seem negative to work in our advantage. I just thought he was a fascinating guy, super smart, and he can read like 700 words a minute by listening. Just a really interesting cat, and I think you should check out that episode

as well as the other episode with Rachel that we did for you this week. I also write every so often on the blog. The latest post is about why your network is actually the best insurance policy. This was based on my experience having to start the show and business over from scratch a couple years ago. A lot of people are probably feeling the economic sting,

and unfortunately, some folks are learning the hard way that the network they thought they could ignore because they didn't need it is now their only lifeline. If you're not re-engaging weak and dormant ties right now, as per our broken record about six-minute networking, you could find yourself in trouble later on. Soon here, a lot of people are going to find out the hard way that you need to dig the well before you are thirsty. I explain why and how in that piece, which is on the blog at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. So make sure you've had a look and listen to everything we created for you here this week.

Of course, our primary mission here on the show is to pass along insights to you, our guests, insights, our experiences, and insights. We want to have conversations directly with you in place, just one brick in the structure that makes up your life. That's what this podcast is really about. You can reach us at Friday atjordanharbinger.com for feedback Friday questions.

Please, that's where they go. Please know where else. And lots of you are adjusting to working from home. I hope our tips from last week helped. I'm going to write up a piece on this because I know there are some struggles and I want to see people share that as well. I see the struggles in my inbox here. I've been working from home for 13 years and I think it took me probably the first three years just to be really productive at home. So I get it.

All right. As always, some fun ones and some doozies. Can't wait to dive in. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey, J-Squod. Shortly after my 28th birthday, I was diagnosed with a terminal tumor my brain stem and given less than a year to live. Over the course of the fourth coming year, I had to surrender my license, lost my ability to walk, talk, and lift myself off the ground,

and had to move into my parents' house, which is a multi-generational house with my parents, sister, and two young nephews all living under one roof. By all accounts, I was well on my way to pushing up daisies. This was 2015. Through a tremendous amount of hard work, persistence, luck, and caring work of multiple doctors and health professionals, I've been able to nurse my body back to health. To date, my tumor has shrunk over 50% and its progression has arrested. I'm back in the gym and have regained muscle mass and physical function and regained my license and even bought a new car. I still have disabilities to contend with, including diplopia and dysarthria, but they have become much more manageable. Diplopia is double vision and dysarthria is slurred speech, and yes,

I had to Google that, so I figured many of you might have needed to as well. Continue. Now for my dilemma, doctors can't provide me any definitive answer about how. how much longer I can realistically stay alive. I could kick the bucket a month, a year, 10 years from today. Who knows? The one thing I do know is we all die eventually, but my death is just a bit more prescient. However, I'm not one to just sit around waiting for life to happen to me, and I'm starting to get a bit antsy to keep progressing. So what do you think? Should I start working towards getting a job, a master's degree, my own house, etc? and in turn some independence? Or should I just kick back, relax and travel until my number is called. As an aside, I graduated with a degree in finance and

made sure to maximize savings and benefits before I was diagnosed, live at home rent-free, and have no debt besides my car loan that will be paid off in a year and a half, so I'm fortunate enough to not be hurting financially. Also, I have a girlfriend of over two years that is unbelievably supportive and aware of my situation, but nevertheless there is a fair amount of future planning that goes along with being in a long-term relationship. Thanks for the advice, signed Survivor's Dilemma. Well, I'm super impressed. You sound like an awesome person, really inspiring.

And while we're all whining about having to work from home because we can't go to Chipotle for lunch, you successfully fought off a brain tumor and seemed like a pretty together guy. So hell yeah, for that. I like how you listed living at home with your parents as one of the reasons you are well on your way to pushing up daisies, as you put it. Maybe that's not what you meant to write, but I think that's pretty good humor. Like, yeah, I've got this tumor. I'm going to brain, and I have to live with my parents, so my life is basically over.

You're my kind of dude, man. Your question makes a lot of sense. If you don't know when your time is up, how do you live your life? It's tempting to live one big vacation because that's how you might think you're supposed to live if you have a limited time. But in your situation here, you don't know how much time you have left, like you said. I don't know you, but I'm getting a vibe that you're not the kind of guy who wants to spend a year on the beach or looking at architecture in Italy for the next few years.

If you do, great, go for it. But for many or most of us, we require some. some fulfillment in order to feel like the life we're living is worthwhile. You might actually get bored and feel worse if you just take off and try to run out the clock backpacking. Then again, maybe you need to do that for a year or two and just get that out of your system and then go to school if you indeed still want to do that. I actually talked a little bit about this in episode 251 with another friend of mine that has or had at the time a couple years left to live. We're still not sure as well. So she ended up taking a job with a senator and she

loves that. So if you want to go travel, go do it, now's a great time. If you want to build a life for yourself, because travel doesn't seem like something you want to do, but everyone's telling you to go and do that, well, there's no reason not to do either one of those things. Let's say you get a degree and start a career. Do you regret doing so later on? I doubt it. Now, I wouldn't put up with endless crap from a bad boss or force yourself through years of schooling if you hate it, but if you're enjoying the process, then there's no such thing as wasted time. I can't answer. I can't answer. this question for you, but what I can advise is this. Make a huge list of things you'd like to do. Anything at all. Work, life, career, travel, or otherwise. And then order it by priority,

your priority, not by what other people want, not what they want for you, or what they think you can do. Don't live by other people's values. It's good advice whether you've got another eight months or another eight decades. And let's hope it's the latter, my friend. Thank you for sending this to me. I'm humbled and you seem like an amazing person. I'm so stoked. People of your quality are spending time listening to this show. That really makes it all worth it. All right, Jay, what's next?

Hi, guys. My wife and I have been discussing starting a website that plays to her skills. I think it's a good idea, but she gives me a short no. She's a stay-at-home mom that would like to find a job that can work around the children. In her last job, she used Adobe In Design and would like to get a subscription to become more proficient in its use. All good ideas that I'm on board with. We can afford both Adobe and host gator. without trying to make a business out of it.

So she could try different ideas without worrying about damaging a business. My concern is with paying for a subscription for a service that will rarely be used if there's no means of showing off the results. Friends regularly tell her she should start an online business with her skills. She'll laugh and say no. What advice do you guys have on how to discover someone else's motivation? How to discover someone else's why? Thanking you in advance, signed Searching for My Wife's Why.

Hmm, well, I get what you mean here. You see someone with great skills that could be monetized and you're thinking, why not monetize these skills? After all, you need something to do to earn money and this might just be it. But we're running into a few different possibilities here. One, maybe she has a lack of confidence and doesn't think she can run a business. If that's the case, then you can start by letting her build confidence in the software or in the skill set, maybe take some classes on Skillshare, which has in-design courses. Skillshare.com slash Jordan is a good place to start with that.

it helps support the show, see where it goes. Give it some time and see if she's ready for prime time and business later on. Again, it could be a confidence issue and that could just be it. Two, this is her hobby, she's enjoying it and she doesn't want the pressure. There are a few more effective ways to ruin a hobby you truly enjoy than by turning it into a business. Podcasting was my hobby and now it's my job and I love it. That said, for everyone like me who's cut out for this and really should have started a business before and maybe not spent seven years learning another thing, like going to law school.

For everyone like that, for everyone like me, there are tons of people who just want their hobby to stay their hobby and not make it their job. I was really tempted to say joby there, but I decided not to be annoying on the show today. Mention, oh, this is me. Also, my mom, she loves painting, and my wife, Jen, she said, oh, well, your mom's so good at watercolor.

Let me commission something from her. Let me get a bee painting. And it was all this stress she put on herself. and all this pressure, and she was just taking way too much time on it, and she threw it away and started over a hundred times. People who just do things, because there is no result other than relaxing and enjoying it, there's really no benefit to then adding pressure and making it not fun and stressful. It ruins the one thing they like, and it makes them less good at it because they don't enjoy it, and there's all this added pressure. So either way, the path here is the same. My advice

here is the same. Let her build her skill without the pressure. She can get better and better at it. And if somebody wants to commission her for a few one-off things here and there, see how she enjoys it. If she doesn't like creating for money, then don't press her to do it. You'll just end up taking the joy out of something she really loves, which would actually be kind of a shame. This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. And if you'd be so kind, drop us a nice rating and review in Apple podcast or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family.

If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to Jordan Harbinger.com slash subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday. All right, Jay. Next question. Hi, Jordan. First of all, I can't express how grateful I was to have the opportunity to volunteer with you and the other listeners at High Desert State Prison. It has made me real. that I can't sit on the sidelines talking about the problems. I need to get in the game and help fix the issues. Your show has impacted me in so many ways and I cannot thank you enough. I was hoping you could give me some advice. My boss has zero emotional intelligence and can't see there as any way

to solve problems other than how he views the world. He starts everything with, let me tell you how I message this to customers, which is always long-winded and lacks any real insight rather than to ask his team if they have any ideas. I've asked for help with prioritization and time management, which leads to him sending me away with 27 action items rather than three areas to focus on. He also gets super offended when an opinion is offered that differs from his. Second, I'm in sales and I work as a team with a technical resource who scopes out solutions and handles the technical aspects. She's great, but seems to lack focus and organization. For example, I'll ask her a yes-no question and she'll answer it with a no and then spend 60 seconds detailing why the

answer is yes. And when I ask the question again, I get a yes. I would say 50% of the time in meetings she'll describe our solution correctly, but the other 50% is articulated very poorly and confusing to the customer. In a world where nobody seems to listen for longer than five seconds, how can you politely have a conversation with people that won't lead to just a temporary change? Thanks for everything. Signed, people just don't listen anymore. Thanks for coming to prison. We didn't get much chat time, which I regret, but I'm glad you came with us, man. This situation's kind of gross. I mean, welcome to the wonderful world of corporate.

I get it. With the first manager, there's not much you can do other than learning the lesson to just not ask this guy anything important. He sounds like an insecure blowhard who is not very good at his job, or at least not good at a few key elements of his job, such as managing other people as a manager. So I hope you're able to do most of your job despite this. I'm sure I did not invent this, but I assume the idea of managing your manager goes back until the dawn of time. You'll want to stay away from asking him for any real advice from the sound

of it. You can still ask him for input and advice, but it will be to make him feel important and to strengthen your relationship with him not to actually get any real advice or any value most of the time. He clearly isn't interested in learning, but he's interested in hearing himself talk and in being right. And you won't have a lot of time for folks like that in your career, despite being forced to waste lots of time listening to them during your career. As for your technical resource, which I assume kind of means like an engineer that you work with, I assume this is an engineer who struggles with communication. It happens. It happens not just with engineers, but it does happen probably disproportionately with certain kinds of engineers. You've said that asking yes

or no binary questions results in confusion. It sounds like she needs to think through problems and questions in real time, which probably makes her a great engineer, great at the tech aspect, but she seems to feel pressure or not communicate clearly when put on the spot, and I get that. This isn't where she shines. So if binary yes or no questions aren't working, stop asking binary yes or no questions. I know that sounds simple, but if you need an answer to something, ask her in a way that requires her to go through the process in her head or out loud and get to the final result. Then, confirm the result by repeating back the general idea or the gist of what she said. This will, if you're in front of a customer, this will reassure the customer,

and it will make you sound like an expert translator of engineer speak, which will not only further reassure the customer, it will also make the engineer feel heard and understood. Also, not asking these yes or no binary questions should help your technical resource or the engineer avoid contradicting herself or getting confused or feeling a lot of stress. This might be something you're already doing, but hopefully this is helpful. I grew up with an engineer for a dad, I basically had to do this kind of thing my entire life. I get it. I feel for you, my dad is the king of telling me that the thing I said wasn't right and then

repeating the exact thing that I just said in different words. And then when I confirm with him that that's what he just said, he says, yeah. So I understand it's infuriating, but you can kind of just get zen about it and work around it and you'll be fine. And I can confirm that after being an engineer for 20 years and working with engineers. That is exactly how you have to handle them. That makes sense. I'm glad to hear that.

Because I just living with my dad, my mom and I would be like, so are we going to do this and this and this? And he'd be like, no, we got to go do that, that and that. And we're like, okay, those are the same three things in a different order. And he's like, yeah, well, you know. And that was his sort of retort to why that's the same thing would be like, well, and it's just, I guess that's what his parents said to him when they had no answer. Well, it's like, well, you're wrong.

Well, so what? That was my whole life. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Yeah, engineers are kind of trained to say no because we get thrown so many dumb questions all the time. It just gets knocked into you to just say no because they need to come to you with a better plan of attack usually because when you're at work, that's what it is. It's like the sales guys will come and say, hey, can we make this do this? And we're like, no, that's physically impossible. And so you get used to having to say no.

And it's just one of those engineer things. If you've worked in an engineering business of any kind, yeah, that happens. So I really like this plan to help out your technical assistant because I think it'll definitely make her think better and be, like, learn better on how to communicate with the customers. And just take her aside if you can and say, just never say no in front of the customer. You can say no, but we have to do it in a more proper way that explains why we're saying no, because there's nothing worse than a customer asking for something and you're just going, no, can't do that. You have to talk it through for sure. Great advice. What's next? Happy Friday, Jays.

late last year I left a job for one that doubled my salary. I expected the increase in compensation and my interpretation of the role during the interview would mean that I'd be quite taxed in this position. The opposite is true. I'm very underutilized. The individual who hired me is very aware, and this seems to be the nature of this particular project. Well, this might seem like a blessing to some. To me, it's quite a nightmare. I currently work remotely, and I'm responsible for managing my time responsibly. I seldom have to report or communicate with anyone. When I'm engaged, I respond promptly. When I'm assigned a new task, I do it immediately to the best of my ability with the very few

resources I've been provided and with little to no feedback. I frequently ask for work and where I can participate in the program, no replies. So far, this just sounds like someone bitching about getting paid six figures to do virtually nothing. I get that. Here's the dilemma. I'm a sole proprietor with another business as well. I always have been.

My side hustles have always been closely related to what I do full time because I enjoy the work I do and want to be better at it. Currently, I have no paying clients. If and when I would have paying clients that require support, I would take leave from my role or continue nights and weekends like I always have as to not be double-dipping. I have no issue manufacturing work, but without being tasked with specific work, the only work I can come up with are the topics that interest me and benefit my sole proprietorship. If I didn't do this, I'd have no motivation to research a topic. If I don't do this, I'll lose relevance in a rapidly changing vocation. There isn't anything proprietary about what I do.

I just do it through my lens based on my experience. I don't want to lie in status calls, but if I wasn't doing this a bit already, I'd have nothing to report on at all. Again, what I do work on has relevance to my paid role. Is it reasonable to leverage my paid time to work on things that benefit me personally, a.k.a. sharpening the saw, in addition to benefiting the role I'm assigned. or do I sit idle waiting for the task or tasks I was hired and risk becoming less and less relevant. It's important to note that I am looking internally for other positions.

Regards, live in the dream. Sharpening the Saw benefits both your company and existing projects as well as your side hustle and future projects. So I don't really see a problem with this. Jason, you're a freelancer and you've had full-time gigs on and off. Do you see any sort of problem with this? Because it doesn't really make sense to just sit around because someone's paying for your time full time, as long as you're really cautious about managing how this works. Yeah, the problem is you don't want to double dip and cross the streams because I have done that in the past. And I didn't do anything technically wrong. I did my work on my own time, but I still got sued anyway. There is a risk there. So if you

make something really cool in your side business, then you quit your first business and started up in the side business and your first company hears about it, then they can get pissed off and come after you. It's really not a good idea to do that. I mean, it worked out for me in the end. I ended up staying out of court, but you can just still be a headache. You can't get blood from a tomato, but you can really ruin the tomato trying, you know? Yeah, interesting. I didn't think about that angle of it, which I should have, because you're not really taking anything from existing company time by learning during the downtime. So if you're sharpening the saw and you're, look, when I was at the law firm, You read up on random cases, you do some pro bono work, you do some CLE, so some continuing

education credits. Most professions have this. You're doing it naturally, and you may go into practice for yourself later, just starting your own firm, just like a law firm lawyer might start their own firm. But if you invent something, these are literally called inventions, right, Jason, isn't that sort of what you got sued for? Like, this was a company invention because it was done on company time. Right.

Because you were full time. Right, even though it wasn't. They said that I took company IP and used that to make my product, which I didn't at all, but it still doesn't matter. It's the perception that I did because I would go home at night and I would code on my project. And then they saw it and they're like, we like that. We want that. We're going to take that from you.

You know, they have all the power there because if you are a full-time employee. I guess if it's freelance, it's a different thing. But yeah, I was a full-time employee and I would just work at night on my own projects because during the day their projects were boring. The same kind of situation. They just found out about it. And they're like, yeah, you can't do that. So it just, you know, ended up with lawyers involved.

And it's just not fun at all. It's not fun at all. So if he just wants to learn, there's absolutely no problem with that. He can learn on his time, the company time. But it sounds like he's frustrated by not making something. And that's where you're going to run into the sticky wicket. That's true. So as long as you're at the current company and projects don't suffer or take a backseat,

you're absolutely doing nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel guilty about it at all. but the appearance of this might indicate to your current employer that you're either slacking in order to spend time on other things or if you invent something, your current employer could say that's ours because you made it on company time. So I wouldn't necessarily come out with a new product or invention or create something as a result so that you then put to market. And I wouldn't necessarily also hide or lie about this, but I wouldn't advertise how bored or expendable you might be either or how much free time you have or how you're working on something else. I would keep that on the low. So keep at it. You're obviously destined for more responsibility

and better projects, so keep stacking those skills in the meantime. And hey, if you can get your current employer to exempt whatever invention you might have, which I don't think would probably be too likely to happen, then go for it. I don't know if I'd recommend approaching your employer and saying, hey, look, I've got all this free time. I want to work on a side hustle that's substantially similar to what I'm working on for you, can you sign off on this? That's just probably not going to happen. I would put that in the category of advertising how bored and expendable you might be. Right? So make sure you don't put anything to market and don't put anything to market the day after you're done with this engagement either. If you're learning how to do something,

if you're working on learning different skills, that's one thing. But if you're creating it, let's say, a piece of software, you've got to be really careful about how you roll that out. In fact, if you are creating something like a piece of software or some sort of proprietary tech that you want to roll out on your own, get legal counsel and figure out how to do that in a way that's clean. Because the last thing you want to do is get sued because you created something on weekends that looks like what you were doing for your current employer. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this.

Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger. slash deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, question five. Jordan and Jason. I have an incredible man in my life who I see a future with. We started out as friends and have built an amazing gradual connection over the course of two years. As we've gotten closer, he's opened up to me about his traumatic childhood, which is something he doesn't talk about to anyone. His mother was mentally ill and abusive, physically and emotionally. She committed suicide when he was

little. Even his closest friends don't know the extent of it. He says that he's forgiven his mom, but it's hard for him to trust and form emotional intimacy with anyone, especially women. He's hooked up with a lot of women, but I'm only his second real girlfriend. He's 34 and I'm 36. I've talked to him about therapy. He did it as a kid and doesn't want to go back. I'm even willing to go with him. From the outside, he's a successful, fun, and active person. He has a ton of surface-level friends. His real support system is me, his dad, and a few close friends. With me, he talks about having depressing, dark thoughts from time to time. It makes me sad and honestly scared. What should I do as a partner to be supportive? I don't want to turn into a surrogate mother or therapist. I just want to do what I can to give him

love, support, and the space he needs to heal. Thank you both in advance. Signed, helpful girlfriend, feeling helpless. Well, yeah, I definitely understand that being scary for sure. Nobody wants to hear that their partner has dark thoughts and maybe struggling with something and doesn't want to get any help for it. That's not a good combination. It sounds like he needs therapy, but has had a bad experience with that as a child. Not necessarily even a bad therapist. It probably just brings up the same bad feelings from the past. Talking about why your mom wasn't nice to you and then killed herself is probably not someone's fondest memory from growing up. So I understand not wanting to rehash that type of thing and then go back into that same environment, even if you're going to talk about

something else. Or if you're going to go back and talk about the exact same thing because you haven't handled it yet, it might help him to reframe this. Maybe you need him to go to therapy with you for your stuff to see how it's not so bad. And I wouldn't say, hey, come to therapy with me for my stuff and see how it's not so bad. I would say, hey, can you come to therapy with me? I'm going to go to therapy. You know, I need you to come and help me with my stuff. That way, he can see this therapist isn't going to talk to you like you're six years old. They're not going to force you to talk about stuff. Who knows if he had a good therapist or if he had somebody just going through the motions or making him feel bad or ripping open old wounds?

Who knows how that was? You can also let him see how his issues are affecting you when you're talking to a therapist. This way it's about him helping you, not about him being broken and needing help. Also, his issues do actually affect you, so there's nothing deceitful about this. There's no fibbing involved. If he's open to that, great, I would hope so. being willing to do this sort of thing with a partner is going to be key to a successful relationship. Getting through things together is really important here.

If he's not open to that, then you might want to go to therapy yourself and see what a professional has to say about being in a relationship with somebody who has these feelings. Maybe there's more you can do. Perhaps some of this could be helped by you building a relationship with a therapist first and then bringing him into it rather than jumping into therapy with somebody new who neither of you know. And this is especially true for somebody who has trouble with trust and openness. Oh, and maybe choose a male therapist in this case. Just saying, last but not least. Hey, Jays, I'm a 30-year-old female who started my career as an intern in college and moved my way up to a senior analyst.

From a very early age, I understood the power of a team, my network and empathy. Over the years, I've created a well-established, intelligent, and diverse network, and have branded myself as a highly respected, reliable, and kind-hearted person. I'm not perfect, but I do my best to be kind and respectful to everyone. I'm extremely passionate about what I do and I love helping people. All of that to say, in general, I'm a fairly likable person. There's a lady in my office who will not engage with me. I've seen this person engage with others and even form bonds with them, but I just can't figure out how to approach her. Many people on our team either laugh and joke with her or take the extra precautions to completely avoid her. In the beginning, I offered to show her some of the ropes when

she was brand new and answer any questions. Instead of a grateful goat, I got a prickly pear. I've tried multiple times to re-engage to no avail. I'm in desperate need of some guidance. When I try to talk to her, she'll literally turn her back to me. This feels very high school to me, and I do my best to avoid drama. I want to be able to work with anyone. How do I deal with someone who has such a passive, aggressive, standoffish, and prickly personality? What can I do to diffuse the tension and build a proper work relationship. I have to work with this person regularly and don't want her lack of teamwork to negatively impact our team. Sincerely, confused and flustered. My gut here says this person is ridiculous. Beyond shyness, this person has trouble

written all over them and likely desires control over other people through this kind of BS. And it sounds like they grew up doing this and thinking, this is a great way to get what I want, which is ridiculous and immature and a little insane, potentially. It's either that or they're so stunted emotionally that they just don't know how to handle problems, which is also, I think, equally bad. The other issue here is there's not an actual problem that you know of, which means this is either some weird power play or there's a problem that likely exists in her own head. And this again leads me to believe this person is not a good fit for a healthy corporate

culture and will cause drama in the office. As far as action, ask others what the issue might be. See if they've noticed it, if they've heard anything. Ideally, you do this without seeming gossipy or dramatic. You know, you don't want to be kind of pointing out this person's flaws in a way that's really obviously you trying to get people on your side. You're trying to solve this problem. You can also try a direct confrontation. Do this also in private. Keep it calm. Try to get a real answer, this isn't a head-to-head battle, but you're trying to elicit information on what the issue might be, nothing more. You're not trying to get an apology. You're not trying to make everything good. You're trying to figure out what the hell's going on. If you get a denial on that and she says something

along the lines of, no, everything's fine and then just goes on ignoring you, then honestly, my opinion is she has no place in a corporation or a team environment. I would do my best to see them out the door. There's no reason you can't document her behavior. And by the way, start documenting this stuff now. Went up to Rachel. at 2.45 p.m. and she turned her back on me and walked out the door. Now, I know she noticed me because I called her name, she looked up and then got up and left. You know, that kind of thing. So-and-so was in the room at the time. You got to document this stuff. Then you can go to your boss after a while and state that she is a terrible fit for the company and should be removed or transferred

since you and a few others just can't work with her due to her behavior, not due to your disagreement about something, due to her behavior. Here's her behavior. She literally walks away, from people. She doesn't respond when I ask her a question, pretends she can't hear me even though she doesn't have headphones in. You have seniority here. That should count for something. And if other people have the same issue, then that's kind of a big indicator that this person is the problem. Now, if she's joking around with other people, fine. But if you and another couple of people are getting the cold shoulder, then there's a problem with her. This problem didn't exist when you were together without her. What a weird situation. People need to grow the hell up. If

someone gave me the silent treatment at work, I'd document it, I'd make damn sure this wasn't their private little game anymore. I would make it a matter of record so we could fire their ass. I can't think of any legitimate reason somebody should give you the cold shoulder and the silent treatment in an office environment. I just can't think of one reason. People like that are a cancer in the workplace, and they're just going to do this to as many people as they can, and it inhibits communication. It makes it less of a team environment. These people don't get better over time, they just get worse as they see this sort of baloney behavior working for them. It only works for them.

It doesn't work for anyone else. It will only work for them. And it will only work for them if you let it work for them. Life Pro Tip of the Week, if you're under a mandatory shelter in place and you're cooped up and you're going crazy, blood donation is a qualified reason to leave. Not only are you getting out of the house, you can have some human contact if you really need to if you live alone and you're just going absolutely nuts, but you are providing society a much needed service. I think everybody kind of needs blood right now. They always do, in fact.

Set up an appointment, fill out the questionnaire beforehand. Don't do this if you're feeling ill. Don't do it if you're just like, you know, I need to go do some stuff today. Let me run out and do 17 things. Donating blood is a legit reason to do it and it can provide some mental sort of sanity if you live in an apartment building. You just cannot stay in it any longer. because you're going crazy and having nightmares or something. So other than that, stay the F home. Recommendation of the week, I'm very much, this is a weird recommendation.

It's called 100 humans. It's a reality docu-series on Netflix. A hundred random humans of various ages, heights, races, weights, so on, from all around the world. They take part in a number of experiments. So they're saying, all right, does dancing make us attractive, sexually, what about uniforms, what's the best age to be alive? there are some surprising results, and it can be interesting, but here's the problem.

It's completely junk science. The sample sizes are really small. The experiments are obviously not that well controlled. I don't think the people running them are actual scientists. I think they're actors, and I think these were probably designed by scientists and then ripped apart by whoever's running the show to make them kind of kooky and fun. This stuff is very politically biased, and you'll notice that it's kind of a fun watch, but you just have to realize it's junk science and look for.

the political bias and you'll see you there. Jason, you remember that study where they had a bunch of dolls and the dolls were white or light and dark colored skin and they asked a bunch of children to pick the dolls they thought were most attractive? This happened in like the 40s or the 50s. And the kids overwhelmingly picked the white dolls as more attractive. Do you remember this study at all? Talking about this in the show. That's not ringing a bell at all. I haven't heard that one. Okay. It's a study that happened. I want to say in the 40s of the 50s. And, And they talk about this study in 100 humans and they go, these biased, I think they said, tongue in cheek, of course, they said these bigoted little white kids only chose the white dolls.

But here's the problem. One, of course, they're not bigoted kids. They're kids. Kids are subject to bias without bigotry. In fact, most humans are subject to bias. Doesn't mean they're bigots. All humans are subject to bias. And some of them are bigots.

I should say that. And they said, well, look at these bigoted white kids choosing the white dolls. Actually, there were plenty of kids of all different skin colors. in the study, they just ignored that when they scripted the rant from the actor pretending to be a scientist on this show. Whoops. So, yeah, there's a little bit of political bias. So it's sort of like, oh my gosh, how terrible white people bad. You know, and I just thought like, that's not helpful today.

That's not helpful dialogue. There's also a lot of useless results that they, quote unquote, results they come up with that are impractical, dubious conclusions. So it's an interesting concept. It's a funny show in some ways, but do not believe a word of the so-called results. but I normally wouldn't recommend something like this, but I think people are probably watching it because it's top 10 on Netflix nationally right now in the United States. So I wanted to kind of almost debunk it

because I think we're going to get a bunch of people going, oh my God, have you seen 100 humans? Yes, I have, and I don't like it. It's kind of an anti-recommendation of the week. It's kind of an anti-recommendation. You're going to come across this. Watch this with a very critical eye and let me know what you think. Bring a big bag of salt.

Bring a big bag of salt, yes. Hope you all enjoy. the show, I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Quick shout out to Heather Lewis says the show gave her superpowers, and especially in dealing with her father who is a narcissist, using the tools to manage him and things like that. Wendy Bihari, episode on Narcissism, episode 246. Also, the episode on how to ask for advice has gotten her some solid, high-level connections in her industry. That's episode 321. Thanks, Heather. Go back and check out the Rachel Denhollander and Isaac Lidd

key episodes from this week, if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I'm managing to keep in touch with my network, it's all about systems and tiny habits. Now is the best time. I'm laughing now. People go, I don't have time for six minute networking because coronavirus. I'm like, you do now. Or I can't network because coronavirus. Well, this is all done from your computer and phone. So quit crying. I don't even want to hear it. And everybody wants to hear from somebody right now. Come on. That's the best time. That's right. The problem is you cannot dig the well once you are thirsty. Once you're probably, you're postponing this and you're not digging the well before you get thirsty now, I don't even feel bad for you when you pay consequences now.

Like if you're going, oh, I can't find a job now, well, I'm going to just say I told you so. I'm going to throw it out there now so that when you're going, wah, wah, wah, how do I dig the well now? You go, you just go to six minute networking and start freaking doing it. It's a free course, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I don't want to be mean about it, but I just have very little sympathy for people right now who find themselves up Shits Creek without a paddle. because we've been giving you the paddle for two and a half years more, depending on how long you've been listening. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger.

It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. Jason, where's your pod? You can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the internet and who's to blame, along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, and more. That is Grumpy Old Geeks. And on episode 424 that we released over the week, or about a week ago when this will be coming, out. We did another round of tips on how to work from home that me and my partner Brian on that

show have collected over the 40 years. We've been doing it collectively. So some different tips than what Jordan gave out. Some are the same. But we do have some different spins on things in there. You might want to check it out. This show is created in association with podcast one. This episode is produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by J. Sanderson. Show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty. Music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own. I'm a lawyer.

I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with someone else who can use the advice we gave here today. We've got lots more in store for 2020. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show

so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. has caught a virus so I've written you a poem we need your help to cure it so stay the fuck at home and if you have got 12 kids or you're living on your own lock it down and isolate and stay the fuck at home if you think you're not at risk here you're living in a dome it spreads faster than a hooker's leg so stay the fuck at home i need the gym i need the beach i hear you bitch and moan you need to grow a brain cell and stay the fuck at home but i feel fine i don't feel sick I'll go out on my own.

How thick are you, you selfish prick. Please just stay the fuck at home. From L.A. through to Berlin, from Wuhan to Rome. There's people dying every day, so stay the fuck at home. If you need to contact family, use Facebook, Skype, my phone. We've got the fucking internet, so stay the fuck at home. The only way to slow it down is isolate, not Rome. Please help the world get back on track and stay the fuck at home.

Stay the fuck at home. Stay the fuck at home. Don't you be a fucking dick, please stay the fuck at home. Stay the fuck at home. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way.

Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life.

Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.