The Jordan Harbinger Show - 38: The Benefits of Traveling the World Alone | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: May 4, 2018

Jordan (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason (@jpdef) are back to banter every week and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday on The Jordan Harbinger Show! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now, let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: If you're catching up with the week behind us, make sure to give our conversations with David Burkus and Duana Welch a listen! Struggling with patience? Here's our advice for coping with the here and now in its own sweet time. How can you leave a positive, lasting impression to kick off a positive and friendly relationship with a new connection to your professional network? What can you do for a long distance friend in serious need of potentially life-saving help? Should you intervene in an unhealthy co-dependence between two friends? If so, how? Is traveling the world alone only for drifters and hobos? Is it better to confess that you lied about past events or should you just put it behind you and move forward? If you're self-publishing, how much should you be self-promoting? Recommendation of the Week: go outside and enjoy the weather! Quick shoutouts to Tara Nesbit and Linda Magro! Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger, and check out Jason's (@jpdef) other show: Grumpy Old Geeks. You can also find him on Instagram at JPD. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course!  Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally! Full show notes and resources can be found here.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFilippo. Here on the Jordan Harbinger show, we love having conversations with our fascinating guests. And this week, we had Dwayna Welsh talking about the mechanics of jealousy, why we evolved it, how it shows up in our relationships, and how we should control it unless we wanted to control us. And David Burkis, who talked about the power of becoming a super connector, networking, and a little couple hacks here and there on how him and I both maintain and grow our large network. works of friends and business allies. Of course, though, our primary mission is to pass along our guests and our experiences and our insights directly to you. So in other words, the real purpose of this show is to have conversations directly with you. And that's what we're going to do today here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us at Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. And as always,

we've got some fun ones and some doozies. Can't wait to dive in on this. What's the first thing out of the mailbag, Jay? Dear Jordan and Jason, I've been an avid fan of you both since 2016. It's cool to see you go out on your own, and I'm looking forward to watching the new show succeed. I'm 25 and from the Midwest. For the past couple of years, I've been working for Oracle and software sales in Austin, Texas. After deciding it wasn't for me, an opportunity opened up at my father's business back in Ohio, selling commercial insurance, which I'm excited to explore.

At the moment, I don't see myself as the successor to him, but as an opportunity to grow my sales skills, work with my father, and build our relationship. Eventually, I'd like to pivot into my passions as I don't want to be in sales forever. My dad is supportive and will stand behind me on whatever I do, just as long as I give it my best. One of my problems is that I struggle with patience. It's one thing which I need more of. Any tips, books, videos, or research on how to get more of it? It's one of my biggest flaws.

It used to get the best of me and sometimes even hurt my ability to build solid relationships. I've worked on it some, but it still comes out when it's, other people try and coordinate events. And do you have any tips to help with the grass is always greener mentality? Ever since college, I found myself to be very curious about all the professions and avenues life can take. Since I haven't yet found a career where I see myself long term, it's been easy for me to get distracted with all the avenues my life can go. That attitude results in me questioning where I am currently and losing focus. I'm not sure if I'll feel this way when I start working under my father. I don't want this to be a distraction when I start my new job.

I want to give my commitment, but at the same time, I'm still searching for my passion. And P.S., as Mike Rowe noted when you had him on the other show, passion is created. Now, this is something I can understand. So, any advice is appreciated, signed, trying to water the grass under my feet and patiently watch it grow. So my advice on this is this is very normal for age 25. You know, the grass is always greener stuff, trying to get everything all at once, trying to figure out what you want, who you are. It's all very, very normal for 25. The patience thing, that's an ego thing, which I also really understand, because I also want everything all at once. And I want everything to be a certain way, and I want to figure everything out all at once.

I would say, in your case, in this scenario, pause and think of things from other people's perspectives, and be thankful that you get to use your self-described gift for organizing things. things for the good of other people. So working with your parents, working with these different businesses, take each of these individual skill sets and focus on those. There's a little bit of mindfulness in here that I think will help. I know that's a little woo, but if you work on this, knowing this is a step in a greater evolution of your career and who you are and what you want, that's going to help make sense out of all this. And the grass is always greener because you're not sure where you want to land, which is, like I said, normal at your age. You're supposed to

explore things, you're supposed to say, oh, there's another opportunity over here. There's another opportunity over there. It doesn't necessarily mean those opportunities are better, but it sounds like you want to explore a lot of different opportunities, which is one of the reasons why the grass always seems greener. Maybe not even greener. It's just green there and green over there and green over there, which is a really normal thing to have in your 20s, a really normal outlook to have in your 20s. You're supposed to explore things. Carefully note, though, over time, whenever you switch, the grass is exactly the same shade of green. So this will help you stop going, oh, but this other opportunity might be better.

It's really just a different opportunity. It's not necessarily better or worse most of the time. It's just a same shade of green just looks different because it's a mirage. So to beat that metaphor to death, you're going to find plenty of opportunity. All of it's probably equally valuable, especially at your age. And you're right. Mike Rose said, you bring your passion with you. And what he means in part by that is you can focus now on what I call building bricks and skill stacking.

So the building bricks is say you're learning organization. Cool, there's a brick. It doesn't matter if you're learning it at a movie theater while you pry sticky gummy bears off the screen or the floor. You're learning leadership. You're learning organization. If you're learning another language but you're doing it because you're cleaning floors in a youth hostel in Romania, it doesn't matter. The brick your building is the Romanian language, foreign culture, understanding. Then you can skill stack these, right?

Okay, I've got an organizational skill set, a leadership skill set, a management skill set, a Spanish skill set. I'm used to managing foreign employees using Skype. I got that skill set. These little bricks are a way that you can look at a current opportunity that you don't love and say, all right, what I'm getting out of this are these one, two, or three discrete skill sets, these bricks that I will then bring to me to the next thing. Not, oh, I'm wasting a bunch of time working this dumb movie theater job. I can't wait until I get a real job.

Focus on what you can get from each of those situations, including working with your parents, your father, including working with all these different opportunities. And you'll find that there's something to be gained from every opportunity and that sometimes those gains are what you're looking for, not just the perfect follow your passion type of career path. All right. Hope that helps. What's next? Hey, Jordan, Jason, Jen, and the whole Jordan Harpinger team.

I have a meeting coming up with a person who I consider to be a valuable network connection. I've already used some of the extremely helpful tips that I've learned from being a listener. Now that the meeting is officially scheduled, what tips can you share on what to say during the actual conversation? I'm already doing the obvious things, such as looking up some interests we may have in common, being ready to share some of my experience and my story, offering to help him in any way that I can, and noting one to two important questions I'd like to ask. How can I leave a positive, lasting impression to kick off a positive and friendly relationship?

Any advice on what to do after the meeting besides the usual, hey, great chat, let's get together again at Vague Time Frame? I genuinely can't thank you guys enough for all you do to help provide massive value in the lives of all your listeners. If there's anything I might be able to help you with, other than leaving a glowing review and sharing the podcast, please let me know. Kind regards, Jay from Chicago. So it sounds like Jay's done everything right. So he reached out, he's met up with somebody that is going to be a valuable network connection, whatever, great, perfect. He's already got the good listening skills down. What to say during the actual conversation?

Well, it doesn't really make a difference. You're already doing the obvious things you said, looking up some interests you have in common, being ready to share some of your experience in your story, offering help, one or two important questions you'd like to ask. This is perfect. That's all you really need. you don't have to be entertaining funny smooth nothing what usually gets people in trouble here is what they do that they shouldn't be doing not what they not lack of something but going a little bit overboard so trying way too hard you know here's 17 articles i'm going to text you every day

that kind of thing is a bit much during the follow-up don't ask for a job a lot of people do that you'll be having this great interaction with somebody they'll be asking you for advice and then suddenly they're like hey so do you think Apple's hiring and it's like, oh, I knew this was the agenda, right? Don't ask for the job. It's just, that's why people don't take a lot of these meetings sometimes. And I would say for follow up, email follow up the same day, email follow up again a few weeks later and tell them how you're applying the advice that they gave you. This is part of their reward. So a lot of people they'll follow up via email like, hey, it was really great meeting you. Thanks for taking the time

out of your day. I really appreciate it. That's great. That's a good thing you should do that on the same day, or at least the day after at the very latest. Then, though, a couple of weeks or a couple months later, whatever's appropriate, depending on the advice and the timeline, hey, just wanted to keep you posted. I'm actually looking into A, B, C, and D, as you suggested. I already read this book that you'd recommended. Is there anything else? That is really useful, because most people who give advice, it's never heated. People don't really care. They're looking for something for their own agenda, like a job. They don't care about the hard stuff, the books that they need to read, the types of events they need to sign up for, the research they need to do, the articles

and publications they need to get. Most people don't bother with that. They don't bother applying the stuff that they hear about in their workplace. They're just looking for the immediate reward. So showing somebody that you've applied their advice makes them more likely to give you more, which leads to this Benjamin Franklin effect where someone's helping you and they rationalize that the reason they're helping you is because they like you. And in this case, they actually, of course, will like you.

and they'll be happy to keep doling out advice, usually as long as it's applied. So apply the advice and let them know how you're applying it, how it's working, or if it's not working, if they can clarify what you might be doing wrong. This is how you end up with mentors, so to speak, and I don't really love that word because I feel like it's just people who've watched like too many Tai Lopez videos or something use it. But that's how you end up with mentors and role models in your life who actually stay in touch, because those are the people that go, oh, well, every time I tell Jay from Chicago something,

he implements it, and then I find out later that he's done it, and he wants the next level. That's rewarding. It's certainly more rewarding than telling somebody 10 things they can do and then never hearing from them again, until they need something. So that's the key. Don't ask them for stuff. Show them how you're using what they've given you instead. When it's time to scale your business, it's time for Shopify. Get everything you need to grow the way you want.

Like all the way. Stack more sales with the best converting checkout on the planet. Track your cha-chings from every channel, right in one spot, and turn real-time reporting into big-time opportunities. Take your business to a whole new level. Switch to Shopify. Start your free trial today. All right, next up.

Hey, Jordan. I have a friend who's in dire need of help, but I'm a thousand miles away. I met my friend over the PlayStation Network and have known him for a year. We play together constantly and often text each other. He's a really cool 15-year-old dude from Kentucky. I'm 18 and live in New York. He's in a really hard situation with a father who was abusive and an addict mother who lives on her own and can't hold a job.

He's emotional and often jokes about self-harm, yet I don't know how much is really a joke. He's tight on money, so many options are out of reach. He also lives out in the sticks, so again, he's far from any help. He's also in a very conservative area, which doesn't help the situation. Since he didn't have his mom when he was young, his grandmother was his motherly figure. I'm not sure what side of the family she's on.

Unfortunately, she has cancer, and I don't think she has much longer to live. To make matters worse, her house burnt down a few days ago. The grandmother is all right, but my friend's dog of 10 years was inside and didn't make it. As the cherry on top, they believe the mother was the one who actually started the fire and is now in the hospital because of it. I really want to help him, but I don't know how. I really like him and want to see him have a happy life, but as of right now, he's depressed and might be close to suicide.

Please help. Long distance friend in need. Oh, and P.S., I was just accepted into my top pick university. Wow. So this is a complicated question for a few reasons here. You're going to have to talk with your friend honestly about everything that's going on. Sounds like they already are, which is good. And definitely talk about the self-harm.

Sounds like, see, that's one of those topics where a lot of people will avoid it because, oh, it's not in my business and, oh, he's just joking. Oh, it's uncomfortable, that kind of stuff. He's emotional and often jokes about self-harm. People don't really do that unless they're kind of throwing it out there to see how other people are going to react. And like he said, I don't know how much is really a joke. So that's not good. That's really bad. I would say talk with him about this really frankly and maturely because he's probably,

you might be the only person he can talk to about this, and give him the number to the suicide hotline, which, by the way, is 1,800-273-8255. That's 800-273-8255. We'll link to that in the show notes as well. That is the national suicide hotline. Your friend can call 24-7, and I think you could probably call them and ask them for professional advice on what to do with this friend who is talking about this because this sounds like it's a mess and it sounds like you're a really caring person trying to help but this is

above your pay grade it's above my pay grade this requires professional help he's unlikely to get it because like you said he lives in the sticks his mother's a mess and sounds like she just needs to be possibly institutionalized instead of around the family burning houses down and killing pets and the father sounds like he's got his own stuff to deal with or doesn't care or I can't deal with it I mean this is a huge mess but I'm also a little concerned about you man congrats on getting admitted to your top pick university that's that's great but you got to remember that you can't fix everyone even if you do care about everyone which is admirable you cannot fix everyone I think it's great you're trying to help your friend I really want

to make sure that you're careful about not getting sucked into too much of this type of stuff. If you sense abuse in the family as well, by the way, you should report this to the authorities before something even worse happens. So if this kid is actually being abused by the father, this is something that you should probably get some details on and figure out what's going on. Like, look, if the dad's a jerk, if he's just, you know, yells a lot, that's one thing. But if this guy is beating up your friend or worse, then you need to get the authorities involved before something even worse happens. A lot of abusers are triggered by stress, and it sounds like this situation is just deteriorating more and more and more. And if he's a really bad abuser, he could

push your friend to do something that he can't change. So it sounds like your friend's in a really bad situation. And there are a lot of resources as far as I know for teens who are in this situation, including getting the hell out of there. You know, if you're a homeless teen, there are places where you can go. And the suicide hotline should have that information as well because they deal with a lot of this stuff. So I would encourage you to call them and find out what they recommend you should do in this particular situation with this particular set of facts. Again, that number is 800273, 8255, and it'll be linked up in the show notes for this episode. This is a serious situation. People don't joke about suicide when they have this sort of context

in life if they're not kind of serious about it. What do you think, Jason? I have been on the other side of it, and I know that while he wants to fix this situation, he's not, he's only 18 years old. He's not prepared to do it. And he needs to go to professionals and then get his friend to call the professionals, which I think is the best route. Yeah, I think calling them and figuring out what to do. And then, you know, look, when you give this number to your friend, which I assume the suicide hotline will recommend, ask him next time you talk to him, hey, did you call them about this? You know, you don't have to wait until you're on your bathroom floor with a knife in your hand or worse to give these people a call. They're there beforehand. That's the point, right? Yeah. So,

keep him accountable a little bit. You know, hey, did you call them? Oh, no, I've just been really busy. I don't need that. I was just kidding. Yeah, give him a call anyway. Give him a call anyway. Give him a call anyway.

Really just get him to do it. And, you know, he might lie to you about doing it. And I would say, have him just do it. Have him do it. Hold him accountable. Because you can't be responsible for this because it's going to weigh on you too heavily. But he needs to do it.

And I realize he might not want to do it because nobody likes to think of themselves in this particular light. But it sounds like he already. is. And this could be really tragic if we don't get ahead of it. And I will say this. If you're not able to get him to call and something bad happens, it is not your fault. In fact, nothing that happens with him is your fault. So I want to put that out there now in case the situation changes dramatically in the next couple of days or weeks. Oh, heavy duty. All right. Next up. Good evening, Jordan. I have a scenario and I would love your advice. I have a friend. Let's call her

Maureen. Now, Maureen is the sweetest and happiest person you could ever meet and is willing to do anything she can to help you or accommodate you and your interests. Meanwhile, we have a mutual friend. Let's call her Camilla, who struggled with severe depression and anxiety her entire life, which was made even worse by bullying from elementary through early high school. She recently got into a string of car accidents and suffered injuries to her head and neck. Camilla has hardly been able to stand for more than 30 minutes and can't live a healthy and productive life. But I honestly think she's just milking it in not allowing herself to recover fully because it puts her out of her comfort zone. So now, Camilla has turned to Maureen as a pick-me-up, but Maureen is

continuously being weighed down and her grades, family life, and social life are all experiencing an enormous hit. In essence, Camilla is putting unnecessary stress on Maureen. I've seen all this also wear Camilla down to a thread, and currently we're just waiting for her to break. I don't want her to break because she's a happy human that might not reach her full potential given the situation she's put herself into. Maureen also doesn't deserve this treatment, but she's just too kind to stop. Is there anything I can do or should do to help Maureen escape? Or should I do anything at all?

Thanks in advance, signed Man in the Middle. Some people really enjoy caring for others and some people really enjoy being cared for. of course, this can be really toxic to one or both parties. I get that you don't want Camilla to break. She's a happy human. She might not reach her full potential. And I understand that Maureen doesn't know when to stop. She doesn't really have the boundaries.

I think she thinks Maureen thinks she has to do this. She feels guilty. And, you know, I don't know Camilla here. And I don't know all the facts. But oftentimes what happens is if one party doesn't have boundaries, the other party may intentionally or unintentionally be using guilt to control the other party. That can be problematic. I'm not saying there's any evidence for that here.

I am saying that that happens in a lot of cases. So for you, man in the middle, I would say be a sounding board and let her know, let Maureen know, that you see it weighing on her. She might think she's pulling it off. Nobody notices. Look how well I'm balancing everything. If you let her know you see it weighing on her, that along with her. with you lending an ear can give her some permission to take care of herself too. She might not think that's okay.

She might be the kind of person who thinks, I've got a sick friend, I don't have time to go get a massage or go work out or eat right or sleep enough. There's a lot of people like that. Give her permission to take care of herself too, especially letting her know that she's got to be in good condition to continue to take care of herself and her family, let alone her friends. Point out the unhealthy and potentially dependent relationship that she's in, which also does not seem to have any end in sight.

So this is bad for both parties, right? This is bad for everybody. There's no end in sight. One party is becoming maybe reliant on the care from the other. The other person's wearing themselves out burning the candle at both ends. She may just need permission for self-care and to do her own thing. And you should also inquire what kind of boundaries she has. You know, you can't really say what kind of boundaries do you have.

But if you find out that Camilla is calling her at 2 o'clock in the morning to talk because she feels alone, That's a little bit beyond somebody who just needs the occasional handhold, right? And the other thing is, look, the bullying and the anxiety and then the car accidents and the injuries, I don't know. I can't help but notice this sort of strange pattern. It doesn't mean that somebody doesn't just have really bad luck. But it also seems like maybe this has evolved into a pattern where she feels good being taken care of, which I understand.

I totally understand that. It's just really, really bad for the person who doesn't have the boundaries and the wherewith. all to say, hey, I've got to take care of myself. So be a sounding board. Let her know you see its weighing on her and give her permission for a little bit of self-care because she's probably not in a position where she feels like she can do that for herself. All right, next up. Hi, guys. I'm 29 years old and one of my goals is to visit all 30 Major League Baseball Stadium. I started doing this 10 years ago and I'm in the home stretch, five parks to go. When I started this journey, I had a number of friends who were my travel buddies, but they've all

dropped off. They got married, had kids, or moved away. Here I am, rounding third on my way to home base, and I have no one to travel with. I went on my last two stadium trips alone because no one else wanted to or could go. Life happens, I get it. I'm not faulting them for it. In the past year, I've started two new jobs with no luck at outside the office friends, let alone travel partners. I joined a local Toastmasters club, and again, nothing for friends. I'm a pretty independent person and don't mind doing things by myself. Sometimes I see a benefit to it. I almost always go to see movies alone.

I've gone to concerts alone, moved around the country for work alone, and now apparently go on vacations alone. My mentality behind all of this is, if I want to do something and no one else will join me, I'll just do it myself. I'm not going to deny myself an experience just because I couldn't find someone to go with. I've got some bigger trips coming up in this journey, namely Los Angeles. All right, welcome to the hood.

be more fun to travel with someone else, of course. But I want to complete this goal in two years, and frankly, I can't see my travel partner situation getting any better in the foreseeable future, so why wait? My question is this. Do more people do things by themselves than I think? I feel I may be in a rare situation here. Some people said what I'm doing seems sad because I'm by myself. I say it's necessary if I want to do the things I want to do. Am I alone in this? Or am I actually a part of a bustling community of individual adventurers. Regards solo, but not Han. All right, solo, but not Han.

So I'll tell you this. I understand that some people say that it's sad. It sounds a little bit sad, but it's not really. I traveled through tons of different countries alone. Ukraine, Serbia, Mexico, Panama. I mean, I had jobs in some of these places, too, but I went and did a lot of backpacking. I did a lot of solo travel. I met people along the way.

You know, these are longer backpacking trips, but I would say for what you're doing, you know, you can join couchsurfing.org. I know we've recommended that in past shows. There's people that are local to those cities that you could meet that are probably also interested in baseball. And you could say, hey, I'm coming to town. I'm visiting all the stadiums, want to catch a game. Somebody might say, sure, why not? You know, you're from out of town. Why not? Make it happen. There's meetups where groups of people go to the games. I think that you could probably meet tons of people tailgating and things like that. And that would achieve your goal of going and checking out the stadium while meeting some other fans. And I don't know.

other people at the same time. There's tons of activity groups online. There's tons of people in different cities where you're going. You could meet people that want to see the stadiums or you could meet people that are doing completely different things. You know, go catch a game, then do a walking tour with other people. I really don't think it's sad. If this is something that you want to do for yourself, then it's fine. But I think it is always more fun with friends, but it's not, it shouldn't be a requirement. Otherwise, you're only going to do things that you can get a group together to do. And sometimes, especially as you get older, that gets really, really hard. We can It's not that people don't want to see the stadiums per se.

It's that people don't or can't leave whatever they've got going. You know, they've got a family, they've got a wife, they've got a kid, they can't make the time. They've got career obligations. Doing things yourself is not pathetic. There's a huge amount of individual adventurers and travelers around, and you can meet them through those groups, through those meetups, through couch surfing, or if you stay at hostels, there's a lot of individual travelers there that you can meet. There's group dynamics that form in there. Lots of people travel alone. I do think it's always better with friends, but that works even if they're new friends.

You can meet foreigners in those cities that you go to that would love to see a baseball game and have somebody that they can sit next to and explain what the hell is going on. That's a pretty good match for somebody who might want to check out something like that. And trust me, I've been on both sides of this. There's no shame in doing it alone. But if I had to do it all over again, I would try harder using the activities I just mentioned to make friends when I landed or at least to pave the way before I landed. to see if anybody else was interested in joining me.

But I would not let it stop me if there was no one there that was interested in joining me. If you wait for other people, you're never going to get anything done. It sounds like solo is on the right path with all of his solo travel, and he's just letting other people kind of dictate that it should be sad. It sounds like all in all, he's fine by it, except other people are saying, eh, maybe that's not the greatest thing, but I'm with you, man, solo travel rocks. I enjoy it. It is better with people, but it's different.

I don't even see it as better or worse. It's just kind of different. Yeah, I agree. I think it's different. I do think it's fun to make new friends, but sometimes I just don't care. Maybe that's just me, though. All right, next up. Hi, Jordan. Firstly, I wanted to say that I found your show through Mind Pump and have been absolutely blown away. Good luck with transitioning into your new phase of business. You're going to kill it. I'm in a situation now where I've noticed more and more that I'm lying about things to seek immediate relief from a situation. Some have been quite serious, while others are more in white lie territory. It's starting to make my life rather uncomfortable, and I'm really looking to move forward with honesty.

However, I have a moral dilemma. Do I confess that I lied about these past events, or do I just put it behind me and move forward? Admitting what I've lied about would cause some people a lot of pain, and this initial lie was made such a long time ago that everyone seems to have moved on from the event. It just still nags at my consciousness sometimes. Thanks for the advice, signed a recovering scumbag. So the question here, recovering scumbag, is, is there more damage letting the lie go or fixing it? That's always the question, and that can be really tricky, right? Sometimes we think that letting it go is going to be the way to go.

Everyone's moved on, but some people haven't. But other times, we think, oh, well, I should definitely let this go or fix this. and the opposite is true, right? Oh, I should fix it. And the other person goes, oh, you know, we thought we were past this and it just opens up all those fresh wounds. My gut says it's a little bit selfish

to correct a lot of this stuff now because you're just easing your own conscience, which is really your consequence for lying. I would utilize that to remind yourself what happens when you are dishonest in a relationship. Now, if there's something where you can never have a frank conversation with one of your girlfriends, because you lied to her about something and it just bugs you every single time and it's ruining

the relationship. That's one thing. But if you're just thinking, huh, I got to tell everybody every crappy thing that I did, well, hey, look, I copied your math homework and then told the teacher you copied mine five years ago, I don't think that's going to be useful. And it's just going to make you look like a jerk and make it harder for people to trust you, even though you're on your way up. So I would say move forward with truth, no need to go back and correct the record unless

someone stands to be caused some additional harm by not having that record corrected, or if you just cannot let it go and move forward. I can't really tell much more without a specific example, but I always find that, for example, in relationships where somebody cheats and it's like been five or ten years, and they go, oh, yeah, well, in a therapy session, you know, I decided to divulge everything. I'm like, oh, no, I'm not sure that was useful. You know, I'm really not sure that was useful. And look, it depends on the situation, but sometimes you're just causing pain and harm. This is, the damage may have already been done in a lot of these situations. However, there are some situations where it's always going to be looming over you. And if that's the case,

then you have to set the record straight. Just be prepared. Sometimes it's going to cost you your relationship or it's going to take years to repair. But that's fair. Those are the consequences to lying. That's why it's so important to be as truthful as possible, especially when it comes to other people. The consequences often don't show up right away, but they always cause damage to the relationship itself. All right. Next up. Dear Jordan, I'm a writer who has self-published several pieces of writing. I have two books out on Amazon and three collections of poems. However, I'm not generating income off of these. I know that I need to be patient, but I'm wondering if there's anything more that I can do. It's been three years since I self-published my first book

and have been regularly self-publishing, but I haven't received any reviews or much in sales. I don't know if I should try creating a blog and trying to form an email list, but that would take up a ton of time that I would rather spend writing. I despise marketing and cringe at the thought of trying to create something that might come across as slimy. Whenever I see an advertisement, I make a mental note to not buy whatever is being advertised

because it feels desperate, as though the product can't sell itself. I'm wondering if this is the wrong, attitude and if I should try to market my books. I would rather focus on my strengths, though, which is producing content to self-publish. I'm not really sure what to do. There's all this advice about how to be successful in self-publishing and that you need a following on social media in order to get noticed, but what about letting my books sell themselves? Would it be better to keep putting more work out there or to focus on developing some sort of website to promote

myself. What are your thoughts about this? Sincerely, the quivering quill. So quivering quill, here's the, here's the thing. You got to learn how to self-promote. You have to. There's no such thing anymore as some sort of artist that just gets discovered. I mean, it's so rare. It's like winning the lottery. Even when you see these super well-known celebrities and things like that, they're still all over Instagram. They're on Twitter. They go on TV. They create drama to get in the media. They're self-promoting, and these are people who've won Grammys or are in movies and things like that. You have to self-promote. The feeling that you don't want to do it or that you're above it somehow or that your work speaks for itself, all that stuff is either a relic of

the pre-internet era and or a little bit of ego. And I get that. If you're not sure how to do it, if social media and developing a following, all that stuff sounds intimidating, then it's easier to go, My work stands on its own. I totally understand the urge to say and think that. I totally get that. But usually that's the result of going, huh, I don't really get how people do ad campaigns and develop email lists and do social media marketing. So I'm just going to focus on the craft, which I agree is important.

However, resenting the fact that other people have success in an area where you don't because they're better at self-promotion, that's just kind of an ego thing. Like, oh, yeah, this person, maybe they market a lot, but look how much better. better my books are, it's really, that's going to be a problem for you for a long time, and that's ego talking. I'm not getting a lot of ego from you, but I think that it is a useful defense mechanism for a lot of us that goes awry, especially when it comes to promoting our work. And look, it's not even that you hate ads. You don't hate ads. It's that you're reacting out of ego. Nobody really hates ads to the point where they go, I'm angry about this. I'm sorry,

that's not reasonable at all. If you see ads and you have an emotional reaction, it's not because the other person is slimy it's because you're resenting the fact that other people are promoting their stuff i get that too i would wager that if you had a handle on the marketing you'd love doing it because if your work is so good then it's worth getting it into other people's hands especially through a little bit of marketing you're not shoving it down people's throats you're not showing ads that interrupt their quality of life right you're not stapling things to their front door and unfortunately nowadays being an artist who doesn't have have to do any marketing requires you to already be independently wealthy. You don't have to market

your work. That's fine. If you've got a trust fund, just write for the sake of writing and then talk about how you're this underground undiscovered success for the rest of your life. It's fine. But if you want to actually survive, you can publish with a publisher. They'll market it for you, poorly, probably. But you cannot self-publish and then simply expect people to find your work and sell it to the world without any input on your part. That is just completely unrealistic in today's modern age with all the competition you have. Even if somebody were to market everything for you, you'd still be competing with other people that have that marketing and are self-promoting in a competent way.

So you really need to learn marketing in a way that doesn't make you feel slimy, and you need to look at it as doing people a favor. You're putting your amazing work into their hands by making them aware. and that awareness campaign is the marketing. So it's not push, it's entice, right? It's not shove, it's attract. Nobody likes sales at first, but after a while it becomes fun, and it is what separates the successful from everybody else.

I've got a lot of friends who are artists, and they all hustle all day long. It's part of the gig. And yeah, it's not fun sometimes when you're getting started, and I do believe you're totally right with the ego, but you have to do it, or you're not going to be an artist for long. You know, you can be the starving artist, but then sometimes you got to get food on the table.

So that's the price of being an artist is you have to sell yourself. Agree. And now being an artist is just, it's 25 to 50 percent. How can you promote this effectively? You know, that unfortunately you're going to find, like even really critically acclaimed artists, look at some of the more recent ones. Banksy, he's 80% self-promotion in a way that's really clever because it's street art. right so he doesn't come across as somebody who's shameless he comes across to somebody who's daring it's a little bit different than what you're talking about the writing but that is a good intersection of that

but look at somebody like conier west maybe not a great example of somebody you want to be like but that type of promotion is what works you don't have to be obnoxious with it but you definitely need to figure out what your brand of marketing is what's congruent with what you want to create and what you're doing otherwise you're going to have to get a day job and that's just how it is especially now. Recommendation of the week, there isn't one. I recommend you go outside and enjoy the weather, springtime. It's 53 degrees here in sunny Los Angeles, believe it or not. So I think I will go and put on a coat and take the dogs for a walk on your recommendation. There you go. Yeah, we've been too busy to watch Netflix. I think that's fine. I'm okay with that. I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to

thank everyone who wrote in this week. Don't forget, you can email us Friday at jordanharbinger.com to get your questions answered on the air. Happy to keep you anonymous, of course. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordan harbinger.com. Quick shout out to Tara Nesbit. She's been a fan of the show for 11 years since we were recording in a basement. And Linda M, she's a 58-year-old mom, a lawyer on Wall Street that really loves the show as well. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show and tell us what you're up to. Jason, tell them where to find you. I'm on Instagram at JPD on Twitter as J.P.DeF. And you can check out my other podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks out every Monday.

in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. And share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got a lot more in the pipeline. We're excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same Curiosity we go for here, just in a fast-focused format.

Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not, the through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting.

So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.