The Jordan Harbinger Show - 463: Saying Sayonara to Sister's Swindling Sweetie | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

While your sister's history of bad beaus continues to sap her self-esteem and savings, her current companion's cons are preying upon your parents' provisions. What's the surest way of saying sayonara to your sister's swindling sweetie? We'll tackle this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/463 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: While your sister's history of bad beaus continues to sap her self-esteem and savings, her current companion's cons are preying upon your parents' provisions. What's the surest way of saying sayonara to your sister's swindling sweetie? As a young, caucasian, cisgender, heterosexual, and relatively fit male with no real health issues (or even allergies), you recognize your privilege and genetic luck. How do you most responsibly support those who are less privileged as an ally who amplifies their messages, educates yourself, and stays mindful of your impact on others? You're teaching at a run-down school where a gaslighting principal is in charge. You love your underserved students and don't want to abandon them, but you're finding the work environment too toxic to be sustainable for your sanity. What are your best options here? You’ve been introducing people to each other when you've thought the connection would be mutually beneficial, but these introductions have gone awry more often than not. What's our advice for preventing this from happening (or mitigating its damage to your reputation when it does)? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with my Feedback Friday producer, my FBFBFF, if you will, Gabriel, Ms. Rahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show right here, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the matrix when it comes to how the amazing people on the show think and behave. And our mission here is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker so you can get a deep, understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own brain. If you're new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, performers. If you're joining us for the first time or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show, we now have episode starter packs. These are collections of your favorite episodes, organized by popular topics to help new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show.

Just visit jordanharbinger.com slash start to get started. This week we had Eric Vance on why our brains are so darn suggestible. We go over things like implanted memories or false memories and the placebo effect. We also had my friend Linda Carroll on. She's an old favorite of the show here. You've heard her talk about love and why love just isn't enough and why there are actual practical concerns in relationships and why loving is a skill and it's not just a magical fleeting feeling that we can have sometimes if we're lucky.

So make sure you've had a look and a listen to all that we created for you here this week. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. That helps. Descriptive subject line that helps makes our job a little bit easier. If you're going through a big decision, you're wrestling with something, you want a new perspective on life, love, work, what to do if your child up and leaves without warning. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately.

Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We are here to help. we keep every email anonymous. Gabriel, I saw something funny the other day. I was looking at Reddit, which I often do. And I saw something called, so there are these zip codes where the people buy clothes that's not in fashion, they buy products that get discontinued, they trend in the opposite way of most other zip codes.

Have you heard about this? No, I haven't. So you mean like postal zip codes? Yeah, they're postal zip codes, but the people in these zip codes, their property values, they decline over time. Their fashion that they buy is like stuff that gets discontinued. They buy failed products or products that fail. And so marketers look at these zip codes to see, oh, what are people buying? Oh, they're buying Jucero, that machine where you insert a packet and it juices things. And they're like, that's probably going to fail because all of these new things that

trend in these neighborhoods do poorly. Oh, interesting. So they're using it for like prediction marketing purposes? Yes. And they're called Harbinger zip codes. Oh, nice. So I thought that was kind of fine. I feel like I should, yeah. It's also not a great indicator of my own household. I was about to say, yeah, not something you necessarily want to be associated with. Yeah, no.

By the way, Google Glass, that shit is the future. So if you haven't gotten your hands on those, get a pair of those Google Glasses that film things. Those are going to be the next big deal. Yeah, people are writing Segways in 0-5463 in 1998. I'm going to take my segue to the grocery store right now and where am I? Google Glass on the way. That's interesting, though. I don't know if my like ex-finance industry brain is going crazy right now, but I wonder if, you know, like high frequency traders or something are incorporating zip code data into their stock analysis. Do you know what I mean? Like they could be like,

you know, Gicerro, if it went public, for example, and they're like, well, these zip codes are using it, therefore it's going to fail. And they like incorporate it into their outlook for the stock and when to trade it or something like that. I can see them using data in surprising ways. That's actually really interesting. These are the people that like have lead paint on their walls and they're like, hey, yeah, Google Glass, Segway. I'm trying to think of all these failed products. It's kind of hard to come up with, but everything that they buy, like, they're just sitting there housing, I don't know, R.C. Cola or something. I'm not sure. Actually, R.C. Cola's still around. They've been around for a while. That's not a failed product. They've been around too,

but maybe like, they have like a garage full of tab. Yeah, stuff like that. Does that still exist? Does tab soda still exist? That and crystal light. Remember that? No, I don't even know what that is. I think they first came up with Aspartame. It's basically Kool-A. for people who are on a diet. And yeah, it's just Kool-Aid for people who are on a diet. So it's loaded with aspartame instead of sugar. And they used to have these aerobic championships where, like, Alan Thick would host it. This is the most 1980s sentence ever heard.

Yeah. Yeah, they used to, Crystal Light used to have these aerobic championships, national aerobic championships. And it's the single most 80s thing that you've ever heard in your life. We'll link to it in the show notes. It's so funny, Gabe. I got to text you this video. I watch this at least once a year just for a good laugh.

It's so hilarious and awkward in every single way. I highly recommend you look for the 1988 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship opening. That's amazing. Not the actual competition. It'll knock your socks off. Fun fact, Tab was discontinued in October 2020. Just another casualty of the two-hour. Wow.

Yeah. So that doesn't exist. I remember my mom used to buy them from like Smart and Final in the 90s. That was probably, I don't know if that was the wisest. decision. I feel like there was some scandal between tab having saccharine and some studies about bladder cancer or something like that. But there were only had, that was like a two-week period. It was very exciting. And then I think there was no tab to be found in the house after that. Bummer. But yeah, no longer. Anyway, that was from, I think, the Jonah Berger episode, or maybe it was from his book,

which was episode 414. We'll link to that in the show notes. And for those of you who wonder why it took so long to get past the opening today, this is Feedback Friday. It's a different format than the regular show. Don't worry. We don't usually dick around this long. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailback? Hello, Jordan and Gabriel. My 38-year-old sister, who, after a nasty divorce, has custody of her three young kids and her new 45-year-old boyfriend, who's twice divorced and also has three young kids, these two are moving their relationship at a breakneck speed.

A few months back, they tried and failed to get a mortgage in order to build a house on a pretty valuable property my sister owns. Next, the boyfriend pushed hard to sell the property in order to be able to buy and renovate a rundown house outside of the city. My sister prematurely signed the purchasing contract but failed to sell her property in time, leaving my parents to bail out my sister and actually buy the rundown house to the tune of 600,000 euros. Wow. Not what I would call easily affordable. My parents then offered the boyfriend to move into the empty apartment in their house that they and my sister currently live in. They are offering him the apartment rent-free, only requiring him to sign a

borrowing agreement, which essentially ensures that my parents can kick him out in case it doesn't work out with my sister. Tenant protection in my country is extensive, and without such a specific agreement, the boyfriend would have the legal right to continue living in the apartment forever for free. Oh, man. Yeah, definitely do not do that. After initially agreeing to the idea, the boyfriend is now refusing to sign any written agreement at all. He's saying that this would not be a family set up and is therefore unacceptable to him. He's also seemingly offended that his word wasn't good enough. My parents and I feel that the boyfriend is actively trying to push my sister away from the family and into making more stupid financial decisions. She's currently living mainly off of her investments.

He, on the other hand, has stated his contempt for landlords and other fat cats and big wigs. I wonder if that's a direct quote or if it's that this guy's like editorializing, but those are great terms. Yeah, I'm just imagining some guy sitting there and being like, hey, fat cats. cat, you think you're a big shot? Well, he ashes a cigar in the living room. Right, exactly. Like, who talks like this? Does he wear a derby?

Is he from, what's that show, Boardwalk Empire? Which is like 19, is he a 1919, 1920s bootleger? Yeah, he's like a boyfriend out of a screwball comedy or something. Yeah, yeah. Good Lord. He has talked disrespectfully about my parents and the way that they made their money in construction and apartment rentals and repeatedly made fun of them in front of me and not an acute way. Meanwhile, his kids are already calling me uncle and my parents, granny, and grandpa.

Awkward. Oof. My sister has low self-esteem, especially since the divorce, and has been throwing herself head-first into every new relationship. Maybe because her ex-husband had and is still having an affair with her ex-best friend of 20 years. That sucks. I totally get having low self-esteem if that happened to you.

The current boyfriend is number three post-divorce, not counting any of her friends with benefits. She was already scammed once out of 30,000 euros, that's about $35,000, by another boyfriend last year. She has pressed criminal charges against that guy. Now my sister has threatened to move into a huge rented apartment with the new guy. Without knowing the exact details, we fear that she will ultimately need to foot the bill for this, severely impacting her financial stability. Can you give me any advice on how to handle the situation from here on out so I can help my parents and my sister see the situation from a more detached point of view? signed safeguarding my sister from a scammy sponge.

Wow. These scam stories just keep getting crazier and crazier, huh Gabe? Yeah, totally. This is incredibly sad, this one, but it's also insanely brazen. Like this guy, this new boyfriend, he's not even hiding the fact that he's warming his way into this family, sponging off of their money and their generosity. He's so entitled, it's so transparent. I'm shocked that the sister doesn't see what's happening here.

I'm also not, right? Because I think it just speaks to how desperately she needs a. love and security, and how little she thinks of herself. And man, it is just yet another reminder that money and mental health are so closely related. It's something people don't talk about as much as they should. The money self-esteem relationship is very real. And it has a real impact on your entire life. It's something that if we could find a reasonable expert to talk about this and not someone who's like, just believe in the universe will provide, I would love to do a show about this kind of thing, because there have to be money in psychology studies galore,

but I haven't found anybody who's not a complete quack and is trying to sell like a pyramid scheme at the end of the book. So look, this situation is complicated, but the solution is pretty simple. You and your family need to intervene as soon as possible. And I would take the lead here. Set up a private meeting outside of the house with your parents and have a brutally honest conversation about what you guys think is happening with your sister and her boyfriend. You You guys need to be in total agreement about what this guy is doing to your sister and how she is enabling it. No hemming and hawing, no sugarcoating, justifying, none of that.

Get your parents to acknowledge that this guy is running an ongoing scam on your family and compromising your sister's financial stability. And then get them to recognize their role in allowing it to happen. Bailing out your sister, offering them a place to stay, you guys need to arrive at a firm position about what needs to change. And, and this is the most important part, what you guys will and will not do about all of this moving forward. That could mean demanding that your sister break up with this freeloading tool ASAP. It could mean not offering him that apartment.

And by the way, I would never let him move in if it's going to be impossible to remove him later. Just never do that. The whole like, oh, you don't think my word is good enough? Like, no, I wouldn't let anyone live with me. I wouldn't let my cousin live with me without a written agreement if I could never remove him. That's insane. No, you want to have it written so that everyone understands everything. This whole thing, like, oh, my word's not good enough.

This is just manipulation. It's so obvious. It's just manipulation. If you don't think your word is good enough for something, fine. But you don't throw that in someone's face and then refuse to sign. You sign and then say, hey, I'm a little offended that my word wasn't good enough. But, all right, here's your signature. You don't refuse out of some vague sense of principle to not sign because it's not a family set up.

That is just complete hogwash. They're not married, right? If they were married, I would kind of get it, but he's a random boyfriend who's already shown that he is fully capable of screwing up all of his past relationships. So hell no to that. Anyway, your parents should also refuse to bail out your sister when she makes bad decisions, and they need to be standing up to her boyfriend's verbal abuse, or just not allowing him to visit the house at all.

I'll leave it to you and your parents to decide what those boundaries are, but I think you can tell where we stand on the matter. This guy, he is a freaking ruthless parasite, an unmanned. mitigated dumpster fire, probably a straight-up financial predator, and candidly just sounds like an entitled prick from the jump. I wouldn't want to be around this guy for one minute. I would choke this guy out if this guy was in my house. Seriously. But if she won't break up with him, then you need to draw some lines and keep him away from you guys, both physically and financially, because this can damage your sanity, and it can damage your entire family. This guy is a cancerous parasite. And after you

guys have that meeting, then schedule a sit down with your sister and tell her your position. Remember, on the same page with your parents and family first, then you guys talk to your sister after. You need to be on the same page first. And at the risk of sounding corny, start this conversation with a nice long, earnest hug because I think your sister probably really needs that right now, especially from you.

You want her to feel supported and safe with you guys before you delve into the difficult stuff. Then, without getting too accusatory or emotional, without shaming her about all of this, which might be kind of hard, lay out the situation as you see it. Tell her that from your point of view, she's dating a guy who is a messy past. He's got a sketchy financial situation. It's a guy who's clearly trying to take advantage of her financially.

He treats you, the family, with contempt. He's putting her at serious risk. He's putting her kids at serious risk. He's putting his own kids at risk. I wouldn't get into her psychology and why she fell for this guy in the first place. That is definitely another conversation. Probably between her and a therapist, honestly. I would just focus on the facts.

She'll probably get defensive. She'll probably be embarrassed and push back on all this. You should be ready for that. Your goal is to get her to acknowledge the facts. The reckless sale, the huge bailout, the refusal to sign the agreement, which is fishy, to say the least, the snide comments, the disrespect, all that stuff. Because your sister, she can argue all day about whether her boyfriend means well or really loves her, but she cannot argue with facts. So keep asking her very simple questions. Like, does that sound like it was a good financial decision?

Why did you do that so quickly? Why do you think he got so mad about signing the agreement? Do you see any connection between what's happening with this guy and what happened with your past boyfriend? Keep asking these questions in a very calm way, very non-confrontational way, not the way I just listed him off to you, until she has to acknowledge the reality of what is happening. And it might take some time, and she will get defensive, but all you have to do is stay the course here.

I don't know, Gabe, do you think something like that's going to work? because this guy, this is a con artist, even if the guy's not as smart, like actual conscious conman, he's still a parasite slash con man. That much is so obvious to me. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I hope that that conversation will be a come-to-Jesus moment for her and she'll realize what a mess she's in. And if she does seem to be open to that, if she does seem to come around, then I would be prepared to help your sister do what she has to do to extricate herself from this relationship. That probably means coming up with a plan to break up with him, making sure that she's safe while she's doing that, protecting whatever assets she still has, disentangling any money stuff. I'm really

hoping that part isn't necessary. Like, I really hope they haven't opened any joint bank accounts or bought any assets together. But you did say that they applied for a joint mortgage. So that part could get a little bit tricky. You might need a family attorney of some kind if you have one. If not, I would get one. Or maybe an accountant to help you with that and give some good impartial advice grounded in law and finance to take some of the emotion out of the situation. But while you do all of that, make sure that you are still supporting your sister, forgiving her, making her feel comfortable, opening up to you because the last thing you want is for your sister to feel like you guys are somehow ganging up on her, judging her, maybe even punishing her in some sense, you know,

and then run back to the boyfriend like, you were right, my family really is the worst. They don't get us at all. You know, you're the only one who gets me. And then, I don't know, apply for an $800,000 line of credit at HSBC so they can go buy four jet skis in a lakehouse in Geneva for when they need to escape together or whatever, you know. sadly, I think that's a very real possibility given your sister's patterns. So you guys need to make her feel that the real source of love and understanding is you and your parents, not this two-bit cancerist con artist. But if that intervention doesn't work, then you need to go to plan B, right?

That's where those boundaries we just talked about come into play. If your sister refuses to break up with this guy, then you guys need to articulate clearly and unequivocally what you guys will be doing in response. Like we said, that's up to you to decide. but if I were you, I would tell your sister that the family will not bail her out ever again so that she understands that she has to live with the consequences of her decisions here. I would also refuse to let the boyfriend stay in that apartment, like I said, certainly without that signed agreement.

But honestly, even with one, I just don't see why you would want this guy hanging around your family home. And if you're still going to let him come over, I would tell your sister what behavior you will and won't put up with when he comes around. I know that seems like a footnote in this massive shit show, but I think the fact that you guys have been taking this guy's insults on the chin, that's sending a signal to him that he can get away with anything he wants, right? He's pushing the boundaries. These are tests.

This is not him being like, I just do whatever I want. This is him testing to see what he can get away with. So tell her that and make sure that she understands that these aren't just empty threats. This is the family position and you are all on the same page and you are sticking to it and then actually stick to it. Yeah, and that's going to be the hardest part for them for sure. You know, in nine months, when this guy makes another shitty real estate play and that goes belly up and your sister needs to be bailed out again, it's going to be extremely difficult to sit back and let it happen. So you might have to watch her freak out. You might have to watch her downgrade her lifestyle or I don't know, I hope this doesn't happen, but even maybe run out of money. And she might rage at you guys for not stepping in and saving her again. She might blame you for all of her problems. She might even stop speaking to you for a little while. I'm not trying to paint, you know, a horrible scenario. I'm just. preparing you for worst-case scenario. But you're going to have to let her do that, and that will be incredibly painful, I'm guessing, because you guys sound very tight-knit and you sound very enmeshed,

and I'm sure it's not natural for you guys to stand up and not intervene when something goes wrong. But that's why you need to know what your boundaries are before that happens, like Jordan is saying, and make sure that she knows what they are, so there are no surprises down the road. Because if you don't, then you guys are going to be on the hook to bail your sister out for the rest of her life, potentially, financially, financially and emotionally. And that's not only putting your parents at risk, it's also dysfunctional, it's pretty unfair, and actually it's depriving your sister of the accountability that she needs to be a responsible person, you know, an autonomous adult who's in charge of her own life and is willing and ready to live with the consequences.

So that's what we would do. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I can only imagine how creepy it must be to just watch this guy invade your family like some kind of con artist coronavirus. People like this are dangerous. They're gross. You know, they're gross. And sadly, there are certain people like your sister who are the perfect host for these parasites. And I hope you can get her to wake up. But if you can't, you're going to have to let her go her own way and live with the consequences. Just make sure you and your parents are protecting yourselves so that your sister and her boyfriend don't take you guys down with them. Good luck. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right back. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan

Harbinger show. All right. What's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I am the most average, cliche American guy alive. I'm a 30 years old, Caucasian, cisgender, heterosexual, and relatively fit with no real health issues or even allergies. It hasn't been an easy life, but as far as the genetic lottery is concerned, I've won the privilege jackpot. I try to support those who are less privileged than me by amplifying their messages, educating myself, and being mindful of my impact on others. As most conversations these days seem to revolve around injustice, as they should, I'm struggling to find a comfortable way to participate as I believe it is not my voice that needs to be heard. I cannot speak for anyone else, yet I feel

very passionately about finding solutions to the many inequalities that other people face. So my questions are, how can I contribute to these conversations in a responsible way? Should I focus less on solutions and more an understanding? And how should I approach a conversation differently, depending on whether I'm speaking with someone like me, signed a woke bloke trying not to choke with the other folks. Well, this is a really good question. It's one we've been getting a lot lately. And as much as I'm sort of over a lot of the virtual signaling stuff, I think a lot of people feel like they're being pulled in a few different directions, social justice-wise these days, confused about whether their job is to be more compassionate or to quietly advocate for change or just go full balls to the wall. Viva la

revolution, right? People talk about being an ally, but what does that actually mean? Does it mean privately supporting the people you know? Does it mean retweeting BLM posts and putting pronouns in your bio? Does it mean grabbing a bullhorn and some Molotov cocktails and hit in the streets? You know, it's hard to know the right thing to do as a self-described privileged person right now. So I get your dilemma and I appreciate your humility and self-awareness in asking about it. Let me say as a Caucasian, cisgender, heterosexual, relatively but recently slightly less fit guy with no real health issues or even allergies myself, I think I can say I'm uniquely qualified to weigh in and how to be a more woke human being here in 2021 and get those sweet, sweet social justice

internet points. But seriously, I think your instinct is correct. This time isn't about you. And educating yourself being more empathetic, more understanding, more curious, that's absolutely the right approach. For most people, and I absolutely consider myself in this camp, there was an awareness and knowledge gap that had to be filled in these last few years before we could even consider what the right solutions were. And not to be Pollyanna-ish here, but I do think that that awareness, that empathy, that actually can create change on a micro day-to-day level, just by bringing us closer to people who are different from us, by making us identify with issues that are not our own. And I mean, posting a black square on Instagram or voting for a certain proposition

or supporting diverse candidates at work, those actions don't mean very much if you don't actually appreciate why you are doing what you are doing. If you don't even care in the first place. In fact, I think just posting the latest trending thing and putting pronouns in your name is called slacktivism because it doesn't require you to do anything, which must be nice for some people, right? It's kind of an excuse to just go like, it's performative, right? That's the word de jour. Gabe, so is it the first part of this? Yeah, definitely. I mean, the understanding, the awareness, that's key. It's certainly a first step. Anyway, it's an important first step. And I think that just means having, you know, meaningful conversations, the kind of conversations this guy wants to have, asking good

questions, listening, being open to new ideas, reading different sources, trying to appreciate what every side of an issue has to say. I think it means being willing to be surprised and challenged and sometimes a little uncomfortable or maybe a lot uncomfortable. And it also means talking to people who are different from you, if they're open to it. Of course, I mean, you don't want to be that white guy at work asking every person of color in the building about their, you know, their experience or whatever. Right. Yeah, you don't want to be that guy who's like, so, what's it like being a minority? I just found it so fascinating. Exactly. But, you know, you know, you know, Yeah, when it's appropriate, asking other people what they're going through, how they see the world, what they think needs to change.

And then, again, listening and incorporating that data into your own worldview. Now, that doesn't mean that all you have to do is say, oh, I care about marginalized people now. Guess my work here is finished. You know, obviously, that's just performative wokeness. That's the slackivism that Jordan was just talking about. I think we can all agree that there's way too much of that lately. I just mean that the empathy part of this, that definitely has to come first. And then you can decide what you want to do about it. And we can't tell you exactly what those solutions should be. That's up to you to decide.

You should decide that. But I think the key is really applying your understanding in ways that are meaningful for you. So if you have this new awareness about, I don't know, let's just say, a lack of diversity in your company, then maybe you start nurturing different kinds of talent in you. your department or you look for candidates who you would normally hire or something like that. Or if you feel like your congressperson isn't taking inequality seriously, maybe you canvas or you phone bank for another candidate in the next election, that kind of thing. Because the truth is, you can parrot some article you read in The New Yorker, and I know a lot of people who do. Or you can retweet Robin D'Angelo

as much as much as you want. But if you're not going to step up and do something at some point, then those ideas, do they really mean all that much? I mean, I feel like, yeah, your heart's in the right place. and that's great, but your heart is just the first step. The end game is actually making a difference, even if that difference is just within your own sphere. Exactly. And by the way, that's why I helped lead that professional development workshop at High Desert State Prison last year,

because I realized how desperately these inmates needed support as they reenter society. And I wanted to actually do something about it. The understanding came first, but then I put that understanding into action in a way that felt organic to what I do for a living, in a way that I could make meaningful, like Gabe just said. I could have raised money or made phone calls or donated to a halfway house or any number of helpful

things, but I chose the workshop because that's how I felt I could make the most impact. And everyone's different. And by the way, shout out to the 72 show fans who came with me to the prison in February 2020 before the planet shut down. My biggest regret in that was not having more time to spend with everyone. I felt a little bit like I sort of shortchanged everyone. I didn't get a chance to hang. So I hope we get to do it again after we all get our arms jabbed.

So I hope this helps, man. I commend you for wanting to broaden your perspective without becoming that annoying, holier than now, cringe-woke, white guy who ends up alienating everyone around him. I definitely think you're on the right track, understanding first, then concrete action, but never at the expense of just being a decent human being who can relate to anybody. Use that as your North Star, and I think it'll be great. All right, what's next? Hey, guys, I'm in my third year of working as a teacher, and the situation at my school is not the best. Physically, the school needs a lot of work. There's no heat, no air conditioning, there's mold, no supplies. And my principal has been known to gaslight and either love the teachers

and support them or throw them under the bus or go through experiencing both in the same day. For example, there was mold in my classroom recently. I brought it up to my principal. She denied it was mold and I was yelled at for making her school look bad. One of my students has severe behavioral problems and as a newer teacher, I still need support and direction that are not being given. Rules and procedures consistently change, and it seems that no matter what I do, I'm always in the wrong in my principal's eyes if she's in the mood for me to be wrong. I love my students, but it is a taxing environment to be in. 100% of the students are considered low income, and we aren't in the best part of town. I love teaching and I don't know what else I would do with my

career, but I don't think it would be sustainable to continue to work in a toxic environment like this for much longer. My plan was to leave last year, but then the pandemic happened, and I'm still here. I don't know if the grass would be greener at another school, and I'm just so tired of jumping through hoops. This was my dream career since I was a child, and I don't know what else I would even do with my life, but it seems like I need to figure some things out. I'm 24, and I want to find a happy balance with work and life as well as finding more sustainable joy in my career. Do you have any advice on what I should do? Signed, looking for my home room. Well, this is incredibly frustrating. Here's the exact kind of person we need teaching our kids in the classroom, and she's considering

leaving because the system is so friggin dysfunctional. I feel like there was a season of the wire about this. Speaking of what white people like, right, where the white guy got fired from the police department, ended up teaching fourth grade at a public school and found an old computer in the supply closet. It turned out to be an amazing teacher, but like there was only so much he could do with the resources he had. Oh yeah, Presbyliski. I can't really remember. I binge-watched the whole thing when I got my tonsils out in like 2006. I was on codeine. It was a little bit of a blur. Oh, that's too bad because that show is incredible. I'm bummed that you don't remember it. I only remember that when the guy kidnapped the homeless guy and pretended to be his son or something like that.

Oh, I don't remember that. Man, I need to go back and rewatch that show is incredible. Yeah, he kidnapped a homeless guy and moved him to a different town. I don't, I can't exactly remember. Anyway, tough situation. I do have some thoughts. My mom was a public school teacher in a rough area, by the way, doing special education, which can add yet another layer of bullshit on top of all the other crap you're dealing with, or that she was dealing with, she had tons of problems with the administration, very similar reason. She was upset about it a lot. I remember her crying and stuff after work. It's weird to see that, you know, your mom crying for that kind of reason. She ended up retiring a little bit early, which is a shame because she actually really did care about the kids.

So yeah, I had a front row seat to this exact issue growing up, and in many ways I know how you feel because I've seen it with my own eyes. And by the way, this is about a teacher struggling in a difficult school, but what we're talking about here, it really does apply to anyone in any field feeling frustrated and trying to decide if they should stick with their job or jump ship and make a change. So first, I think what you're dealing with is what a lot of teachers around the world,

definitely teachers in this country, are facing. Limited resources, rampant mismanagement, political administrators, crappy, senseless policies, the list goes on and on. You're not alone there. In one way that's super depressing, but in another way, you should know that it's not entirely about you. And if other teachers are going through the same thing, then there are probably some good ways to cope with the challenges, work within the system to change things, or if all else fails, find a way to just dodge all this bureaucratic BS. So my first question for you is whether you've been getting to know other teachers and asking them about their experience.

This could be other teachers at your school, educators you meet on LinkedIn, educational theorists who are writing about this stuff, even former teachers who left to do something else, anyone who would be good for you to talk to right now. If you haven't, I highly recommend building those relationships. You could really use some perspective from other people in your shoes right now.

Maybe there are approaches or techniques or people who could help you make this school situation workable for you. Maybe there are stories or experiences that would help you see your job in a new way. Or maybe you just need someone in your field to say, yeah, what you're going through, it sucks, it's not okay, and here are some things we've been doing to fix it. Or maybe you'll meet someone who can show you another path

within the world of education that you hadn't even considered. Gabe, what if the situation at the school doesn't change and she can't find a way to accept it? Then I would really encourage you to consider your options. I know that this has been your dream career since you were a kid and you don't know what else you would do with your life. I totally hear you. I love your commitment.

I really do. But the truth is, you are an incredibly passionate teacher who's working in a system that just cannot or will not honor your contribution. I know it sucks. You could argue about who's really at fault about all that, but there it is. Also, you're 24. Like, you are 24 years old. You are so young. You're in a stage of life right now where changing jobs or even changing careers, it's not just possible. It's also important to try new things and see where it leads you. I know you said that you want to find more sustainable joy in your career. And from what I'm hearing, you're just not finding it in this job. So I would encourage you to listen to that voice. You've been at this for

two years now, I'm guessing. That's enough time to know if you're in a healthy environment, a productive environment. And if you're not, then I would encourage you to start exploring other ways that you could share your gifts with your students or with other people. And there are a lot of them out there. You could teach at a better school in your district or in your state. You could even move to another state. You could teach at a charter school, which even though charter schools are, I know, they're far from perfect, but they're often better managed and better resourced than some of the public schools around. You know, you could teach at a private school if that's something you're into. You could tutor students one-on-one. You could start your own tutoring service. I don't know. You could get your master's in education and go into education management or become an instructor at a private company. I mean, you could become a professor of education. I'm just totally running with every possibility here. But there are so many ways that you could still be in the classroom, but maybe teaching the next generation of teachers or something like that. Or if you really want to, you could leave the classroom all together and take your talent to another field where you could create a whole new role for yourself. That's even more fulfilling than the one that you're in right now. I know like four people. people off the top of my head who taught elementary school for three or four years, they're now

working at, let me think, tech company, nonprofit, magazine, you name it. I mean, they all love the years that they spent teaching. They still talk about how valuable it was to start there, but they're doing other exciting things now, and they're loving that. So obviously, that's up for you to decide. I know that's kind of the choice you're trying to figure out, but you don't need to make that decision tomorrow, but I can tell you that there is a huge world of opportunity for somebody like you, especially at your age. And there's really no reason for you to feel stuck in a situation that just isn't designed to let you do your best work. Exactly. So my advice, plain and simple, is this. Start building relationships with other educators like it's your job, because it is. Schedule Zooms,

coffee chats with their colleagues, whatever. Get to know the other teachers and administrators in your district. Treat yourself to a month of LinkedIn premium. We actually have a code for what I think is LinkedIn Sales Navigator, but it's kind of the same thing. LinkedIn.com slash jhs is where you can find our little deal there. Reach out to every person in education who seems interesting. to you. Ask them about their career paths, their views on education, what they would do in your shoes, what you can do to be building your career, how you can help them. One day, one of these people will send you a job posting or make an introduction for you or write you a recommendation letter, and you'll suddenly find yourself stepping into a whole new role, and it'll be really exciting.

But you have to take those relationships seriously first. We have a whole course on this. You've heard me say it a million times. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is where that is six-minute networking. this is digging the well before you get thirsty, right? At the same time, get curious about what other options are out there for you. A lot of this will come from the conversations we just talked about, but you should also spend some time researching job postings, career resources, blog posts, articles, all that good stuff. Start thinking of yourself as somebody who's passionate about education in general, rather than somebody who's stuck in a classroom in particular. Start to daydream about new possibilities for yourself, even if they feel kind of remote. I know this sounds cheesy,

but it's actually really important. And one final thought, know that your career, your situation, your life, that's up to you to decide. I know you feel stuck right now. I know the Pandy got in the way of your job search. I know you're tired of jumping through hoops, but it's not just jumping through hoops if you're working your way toward a career that fulfills you. The joy you're looking for, it doesn't fall out of the freaking sky, especially for a teacher, and especially for someone who's 24. You're 24. You have to create that joy. And as daunting as it seems right now, creating that joy, that's actually where a lot of the joy comes from itself. Because being disempowered, being gaslighted, is it gaslit, Gabe, or gaslighted? I don't even know. I'm not sure. I've

never heard it in that frame. Gaslighted? Gaslighted sounds more, I'm not sure. Anyway, being undermined in a toxic environment, that's a recipe for burnout. It's a recipe for anger, depression, which now that I think about it, that actually explains a lot about my teachers growing up and certainly describes some of what my mother went through in the 90s. But the moment you take the reins back, I think you'll find a lot of the passion you feel you've lost. And that will propel you into a much better position. If it makes you feel any better, I felt like I didn't get my feet under me until I was like 35. So in other words, you get a ton of time, even if you're a bit of a late bloomer like me. So start thinking like that, see what

opens up for you. I wish I had a teacher like you when I was in school. Any place would be lucky to have you. Good luck. This is the Jordan Harpenter show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and or services? You can always visit Jordanharbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. Last but not least. Hey Jordan. I've been introducing people to each other recently because I thought the connection would be mutually beneficial, but the introductions have gone awry more often than not. When this happens, I feel like I've dinged my own reputation. Nobody blames me for

this, so I'm not sure whether it's really a problem, but it has made me reluctant to make any referrals. One time, I recommended a grad school friend to a lawyer who needed his tech services. I only heard the lawyer's side afterward, but she described his behavior as incredibly bizarre, which kind of made me look like an idiot for referring him. Another time, I recommended an engineer I knew to a headhunter and then he wouldn't answer the headhunter's emails, even though I had spoken to him about the referral beforehand, and he said he was interested in the job. When I emailed him to ask him why he wasn't replying,

he sent me a very strange one-word email that merely said, thanks and didn't address my concern at all. Dude, let me stop here right there. How annoying is that person? So infuriating. It makes me want to just punch those people, because I'm like, how selfish are you right now? How entitled are you?

This is why you don't have the job you want you. A-hole. I hate people who do that stuff. Like, I'm too busy to deal with the fact that I asked you to do me a favor and then you did it. Ugh. Anyway, go ahead. Most recently, I connected a friend who was a filmmaker with a pair of artists who are supposed to work on some promotional material for him. The artists claim that they never got paid and the filmmaker claimed that the work he got was whatever the artist felt like drawing rather than what he had asked for.

Both parties came away unsatisfied. Do you have any advice to prevent this from happening again or to mitigate it somehow when it does? happen signed avoiding destruction in my introductions. So when an introduction goes badly, it's usually for one of two reasons. Either you didn't vet one or both parties properly and you made a subpar connection, or you did vet the people, but for reasons that are outside of your control, the relationship didn't work out the way that you'd hoped. The second reason happens from time to time. It's not entirely your fault. It sounds like maybe that's what happened with the filmmaker and the artists. Gabe, this is one of those things I've learned the hard way too, where it's, you

hire somebody who's an artist and you can't quite communicate what you want and then they give you something and it's not what you want. I've started to hire only agencies that have art directors, which is basically a person who's in charge of communicating, right, with the artist. And then if it's not right, it's all of their fault because you have a statement of work and it's really clear and da-da-da, I've never been able to tell an artist what I want and get what I want. So I know that I'm part of the problem. So it's just a thing. The first situation where you make a connection for somebody who just completely bungles the introduction or doesn't live up to it, the tech guy and the engineer is annoying as that engineer is. I just want to slap that guy.

That's definitely a sign that something is off in your approach. Since it seems to be a bit of a pattern with you lately, it's definitely worth addressing. The good news, it's totally fixable, good on you for wanting to do that. My advice is this. From now on, only make introductions that you are, let's say, 90% confident about. I don't say 100%, you're never going to get to 100%. If I say 100%, you're never going to introduce anyone to anyone again, so I don't want to go there. I don't want to go that high, but let's say 90%. If you went back and thought about your grad school friend or the engineer, I bet you'd find one or two signs that something was off.

Maybe they were a little dismissive when you hung out. Maybe they were kind of sketchy or hard to pin down, or you felt like you were convincing them to take the introduction. Maybe they weren't very gracious or hardworking. Maybe you didn't notice those qualities at the time, or you discounted them because you didn't want to acknowledge the truth. Hard to say. Or, this is also possible, you just didn't know these people very well, so there was an absence of data to work with, which means you took a bit of risk in introducing them. Either way, you made introductions for these people without knowing

if they'd honor the value of that introduction. So from now on, if you introduce two people, make sure they both share a certain basic level of interest, appreciation, and value. If someone seems unreliable or ungrateful or sketchy, don't make the introduction. There's literally no downside to not making a subpar introduction. I hate the double negative there, but I couldn't really avoid it. Being more selective about whom you introduce will only help your social capital, even if you make fewer introductions overall. The only exception to this in my book anyway is if you don't know one or either party super well,

you're rolling the dice in introducing them, and one or both parties know that it might not work out. I talked about this once on a recent episode, how I introduced a random guy I met at a party to a real estate agent I didn't know too well, because the upside to connecting them, it seemed higher than the downside of missing out in the connection. But even in that situation, where I didn't know the people super well, I made sure that the buyer wasn't a total pain in the ass and was actually serious about buying a house, and I knew for a fact that the real estate agent was legit and good at his job. So even with my limited information, I was still vetting these people, mostly based on what I gleaned about them from our conversation,

my instinct, my sense of them as people. And over the years, my standards for that have gotten pretty high. I feel comfortable making those introductions without knowing everything there is to know about somebody. But if you ever have any doubts, and even if you don't, always use the double opt-in. And we teach this in six-minute networking. If you invite both parties to opt-in to the introduction before you make it, that will lower the risk of you being on the hook if it goes poorly. give both parties the full rundown of who the other person is, tell them if you don't know the other person very well,

let them decide if it's an introduction they want to accept. That way, if it doesn't pan out, it's not going to look like you made a bad call because everybody kind of came armed with the same information. Now, there's always some risk in networking. Every now and again, an introduction will go awry or fail to deliver. It's okay. It happens to me sometimes as well.

In that case, you can always address the bad behavior by asking the relevant party what happened and encouraging them to just do the right thing. Sometimes people don't even realize that they're being rude or wishy-washy or wasting people's time. They just need to be called out to step up and act right.

Or you can apologize to the other person for wasting their time so that your reputation doesn't take too much of a hit and then make sure that any future introductions to that person are legit. You know, it's so funny, Jordan. I just had a flashback to this thing that happened. It's like, wow, this is exactly what you're talking about

when I was just starting out in screenwriting. So I must have been my like mid to late 20s. I was kind of green. I didn't have as I guess I wasn't on top of my shit back then as much as I am now. And there was this guy who was actually my sister's agent at the time. And he chatted with me for like 10 minutes about my writing. And he very generously offered to introduce me to this guy. I think he was like a development executive at some company.

It was super nice of him. I was so grateful. I was like, thank you. That's really cool of you. Yes, I would love to meet him. He sends us an email that day, the next day, whatever. And for some reason, I have no good excuse. I just took like two or three days to respond to the email. I just sat on the email. And like three days later, I get a call from this agent, this guy who introduced us. And he was like, hey, man, like you seemed really nice and really cool. I think you're a good writer. Like we met, you know, through your sister. So I trust you. But like, what's up with the not responding thing? Like the guy reached out to me and asked me if you were legit because he didn't hear from you and like, what's going on there? And I was so embarrassed about this. Like I felt so called out, but he was 100% correct. And I was like, you, dude, I'm so.

sorry, you're absolutely right. He's like, I know you guys are writers. I remember him telling me that he's like, I know how writers are all in their own world, but like, this is not cool. And I was like, you are correct, sir. So I immediately responded to the email. I met this guy who was very nice. It all worked out just fine. And like, ever since then, I have never sat on an introduction. Interesting. Yeah. That's when you got to go, oh, man, it was in my spam folder. Like that's, no, don't lie. It's lying is bad. I mean, now when I meet people and they do that to me, which kind of still happens from time to time, and it annoys the hell out of me. I always have to give them, you know, one chance.

And I actually feel a little bit more comfortable saying to them, hey, listen, I, you know, I did this thing for you. You seem to be kind of sleeping on this introduction. You know, do you need a little nudge? Because that doesn't make either of us look very good. I feel comfortable saying that because if this guy hadn't called me out for that, I would never have learned the lesson. And I would not.

You'd still be lying about the spam folder thing like me. Yeah, or just looking like a total nob or just someone who's not, like, appreciative. And so, like, hey, do you care about getting your shit together and making a career? because you're wasting everyone's time. Yeah. Totally. Anyway, lesson learned, and I'm grateful to him. Shout out to Rick for putting me on blast for that thing because it's like totally stuck with me over the years. But I feel like in a situation like this, it applies too.

You know, if this guy connects somebody who does deserve the introduction but just isn't very, I don't know, they don't have great etiquette or whatever, then it could be just a matter of sending them an email and just saying, hey, do you realize that you're sitting on this thing? You should pick it up. And in that case, maybe the person is worthy of the introduction and just needs to be called out for it. So bottom line, don't stop making introductions. Connecting people is hands down the best way, or one of the best ways to create value and build your network. But you have to do it in a responsible way. If you're starting to realize that you don't have solid people in your

network, that means you need to level up, adjust your values and standards, and start doing a little more due diligence. And if you're not doing this already, I highly recommend the six-minute networking course, which goes through all of the opt-ins, all the vetting. You can find that Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. It's free. Dig the well before you get thirsty folks. We cover a ton of exercises and principles about relationship building, many of which will help you fix this exact problem. But I got to say, I admire your honesty about all of this. That is definitely a first step to getting this handled. And if you just get a little more deliberate about finding and introducing the right people, I know you'll be great. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank

everyone that wrote in this week. Don't forget to check out the guests from this week, including Eric Vance on the placebo effect and why our brains are so suggestible, and Linda Carroll, on love and loving and how loving is a skill and not just a magical feeling that's supposed to heal all the problems we have in our relationships. If you want to know how I managed to book all these great folks on the show, it's all about that six-minute networking, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I've beaten it to death on this one, so that's all I'm going to say about that. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts in the show notes. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also hit me on LinkedIn.

You can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jay Sanderson, Robert Fogartie, Milio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabe Mizrahi. Keep sending in those questions to Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own. I'm a lawyer. I am not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen,

and we'll see you next time. We've got a trailer of our interview with Moby, iconic musician and producer. This was a super real conversation about creativity, fame, mental health, money and what really makes people happy and fulfilled. Mopey was really open with this one. And even if you're not a fan of the music, I guarantee you will dig this episode. Check out episode 196 of the Jordan Harbinger show. I grew up in arguably the wealthiest town in the United States, Dary and Connecticut, but my mom and I were on food stamps and welfare. My first punk rock show was to an audience of one dog and my first electronic music show was to Miles Davis. I wanted to stop the show and patiently explained to the movie star

and the beautiful people that they'd made a mistake. They were celebrating me, but I was in nothing. I was a kid from Connecticut who wore secondhand clothes in the front seat of his mom's car while she cried and tried to figure out where she could borrow money to buy groceries. Now it was 1999. I was an insecure husband,

but we kept playing, and the celebrities kept dancing and cheering. The weird thing is things started to go wrong when I stopped feeling that way. In 1999, I thought that my career had ended. Yeah. My mom had died of cancer. I was battling substance abuse problems.

I was battling panic attacks. I'd lost my record deal. And I was making this one last album. I was like, okay, I'll make this album. I'll put it out. I'll move back to Connecticut. I'll get a job teaching philosophy at some community college. And then all of a sudden, the world embraced me.

I handled fame and wealth really disastrously. It was so humiliating. I wouldn't trade any of it. For more from Moby, including how he bounced back from a 400 drink per month booze habit, check out episode 196 of the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same.

Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people and the world really work itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.