The Jordan Harbinger Show - 514: Distancing from Junkie Sibling's Self-Jinxing | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

In spite of what you've done to help your addiction-prone sibling stay off of hard drugs, he keeps relapsing. When is it time to let a self-jinxing junkie suffer for the consequences of their own actions? This and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/514 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: When is it time to let your self-jinxing junkie sibling face the music for their never-ending relapses that perpetually endanger you and your family? You're in a relationship with someone who would be a perfect match -- except that you've never found them physically attractive. This is unlikely to change, but it's hard to imagine a life without them. Should you stay or should you go? You're an ambitious, multilingual 19-year-old in a managerial position, about to enlist in the Navy as a translator. It should be cause for celebration that you've recently been selected as a congressional advisor, but imposter syndrome has hit you like a train. What should you do? You've been responsible for dramatically increasing your department's efficiency, and your supervisor relies on you to keep things running smoothly. Nevertheless, the higher-ups recently denied you a promotion or raise, and it's hard not to take it personally. What's really holding you back? A Six-Minute Networking question: how do you deal with a double opt-in introduction when one party makes it clear they're not interested in meeting the other party? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. Today I'm here with my Feedback Friday producer, my prolocutor and prescription, Gabriel Mizrahi. These are getting harder. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills are the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind. If you're new to the show,

on Fridays we give advice to you and answer listener questions the rest of the week. We have long-form interviews and conversations with amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. And if you're joining us for the first time or you want to share the show with friends and we love it when you do that, check out jordanharbinger.com slash start. Those are the starter packs. Collections of popular episodes. organized by topic. Again, Jordan Harbinger.com slash start to get started. This week on the podcast, we had world-renowned physicist Dr. Mityo Kaku with string theory, infinite universes, and other amazing ideas that will blow your mind and make you just realize how small we humans really are

in the scheme of things. The dude is a genius, obviously. The conversation was really amazing. You're going to love it if you're into science at all. Also, we pulled one from the vault with the one and only Charlemagne, the God. This is from the old show. We focus on his story. growing up and what it took slash takes to get to the top of the game where he is now firmly in the top of his game in the entertainment industry. If you know Charlemagne, then you know he's a great conversationalist, and this episode is no exception. So have a listen and let me know what you think. I also write every so often on the blog, my latest post, signs you're not truly well liked at work and what to do about that. I know the title's a little bit of a bummer. That's kind of

the point. Usually when we think about being well liked at work, we think about getting invited it out to happy hour, complimented on our work, whatever. There are actually more subtle signs that you're truly wanted or respected and valued at your workplace. But if you're not seeing those indicators, it's time to do things differently. And we get into all of that in this piece, along with how to change the way people see you in the office. Definitely one of my favorites. So make sure you had a look and to listen to all of that. By the way, the blog stuff is at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. And of course it's linked right there on Jordan Harbinger.com right on the website. All right, lots in the mailbag. Gabe, what's the first thing? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. My younger brother,

who's 62 years old, is a recovering heroin addict. He was released from prison a year and a half ago, and he's still on parole. During his incarceration, which was actually his second time in prison, my sister and I supported him emotionally and financially while he participated in an intense 18-month drug program. He passed with flying colors, and we believed he was truly reformed. I even wrote to the parole board in favor of his early release. He wanted a fresh start, so we agreed to to help him move to our state and serve his parole here. His parole requires him to stay clean and attend weekly N.A. and A.A. meetings. I helped him through all the paperwork to get assistance, Medicaid, SNAP benefits, a social security card, a driver's license, all of that. And my sister

let him stay in her and her husband's fancy fifth-wheel trailer located on their property. Eight months later, he had a shoulder replacement and then relapsed into street drugs after getting prescribed opioids by the surgeon. While checking his email, which I do for the purpose of helping him with social security issues, I discovered that he was using again. I discussed the matter with his parole officer who got him to admit that he would not be able to pass a drug test. She upped his attendance requirement of the meetings, but never disclosed that I was the one who tipped her off. He has relapsed several times since then and was admitted to a rapid detox center twice. That's how that happens. It's such a rough cycle. And I don't know. I feel a little bit for the guy

because he got rebooted with his addiction through the prescription, but continue. Several months later, I discovered that my brother was not only using drugs again, but he was actually buying heroin and mailing it back to his home state with the help of a former fellow inmate who still lives there. He was also shoplifting from numerous stores. I was a complete wreck, and I had to seek professional help so I could sleep at night. Fast forward a few more months, and my brother has now gotten a part-time job pumping gas at a service station located at the exit of a major interstate highway. He's living in a clean and sober halfway house and no longer gets any financial assistance from the family. His email show him accepting 12 to 15 requests for cash amounts of $20 to $200 in the wee hours of the morning. It appears to me that he is selling drugs to customers while pumping gas. Wow, this is some breaking bad shit right here.

Yeah. Yikes. I'm so mad and I feel betrayed. I stopped all contact with him two months ago and he hasn't made any attempt to contact me since. Once we're all vaccinated, he's going to wonder why I don't invite him over. I've lost respect for him and I'm not sure I will ever look at my brother the same way. I toy with the idea of sending an anonymous tip to crime stoppers, that's a nonprofit that works with law enforcement to help self crimes, to catch my brother dealing and get him sent back to prison

on a parole violation. My husband says I should mind my own business, and I do figure he will eventually crash and burn on his own. But I'd like to hear your opinion, and any insight you might have into this dilemma, signed My Brother's Conflicted Keeper. Oh, super sad story. Your brother is clearly wrestling with some demons, making poor choices, caught in the tragic cycle of addiction. You and your sister, you've done a lot for him, so much for him, more than most siblings ever would. You've taken care of this guy. You've encouraged him. You put a roof over his head. You helped him get all the resources he needs. And he's still going back to his old ways. And I get why you're mad, why you feel betrayed. I think I would too. This is how so many

loved ones of addicts feel. I'm sorry, you're going through this. I really am. So look, I think what you're really asking here is, when is enough enough? Where do you draw line. And that is not an easy question to answer. After everything you've done for your brother, I'm sure that it's pretty painful to think about cutting him off for good. I mean, is your little brother. But then it's also painful to stay connected to somebody who's hurting themselves and people around them, frankly, like this. You're basically having to balance the possibility of him cleaning up his act after, let's admit it, Gabe, 62 plus years, against your own need for stability, for integrity, not an easy calculation for anyone to make.

So it's interesting. There are different perspectives out there on when it's time to cut an addict out of your life. Some people say you should always keep a line of communication open in case they decide to get better. Other people say you should keep your distance, maybe even draw a hard boundary because somebody in the grip of an addiction, they just can't function normally. They're not functioning fairly in any relationships. There's obviously a spectrum of advice and ideas on what to do here. But most experts believe, and I tend to agree, there are a few very good reasons to cut an addict out of your life. One of them is if your health is suffering because of them. And another one is if they're taking advantage of your generosity, whether it's money or time or

even emotional support. And another reason is if they're unstable or dangerous, obviously, or their presence in your life threatens your safety. Now, you talked about being a complete wreck because of your brother, having to seek professional help just to sleep at night. You know now he's back to committing crimes, he's selling drugs, he's freaking FedExing H back to his hometown, shoplifting. That is for sure a liability when he comes around again. And while he's not currently taking money from you guys, he isn't really honoring the generous support that you've given him. It's just a matter of time until he ends up in prison again or worse. So I think you have a very fair set of reasons for stopping all contact with your brother. And that boundary, that's probably

the best tool you have when you're dealing with somebody. who can't or just won't get better. And by the way, my mom's brother, notice I didn't say uncle, was a heroin addict as well. Whoa, really? I didn't know that. Yeah, my mom ignored the problem.

I don't even think she ignored it. I think she just couldn't do anything about it because it was totally enabled by my grandmother. So she sort of tried to just be like, okay, arms length, you know, we're not going to deal with him. And then he ended up moving in with my grandmother. And then she tried to solve it

while my grandmother fought her every single freaking step of the way. You know, he would do some identity theft or get arrested or whatever and my grandma would like bail them out and lie about it and then lie to my mom. So that stress dominated my mother's life. And by extension, mine, I was in middle school. And so my middle school memories are like me getting into a little bit of trouble, not liking school, whatever, everyone in middle schools like that. And then just my mom being a giant ball of stress for like four freaking years or maybe even longer. It was awful. Intense. It was not worth it. It probably

aged my mom half a decade and maybe I'm being generous here. So in my opinion, when you're dealing with a family member like this, the quicker you set a boundary and you're able to enforce it, the better. And I say able to just because my mom tried, but her familial situation was so, my grandma was so enmeshed in this. My mom had to deal with it and my grandpa, he passed away during this process. And then it was just horrific. So finally, my dad was like, cut these people lot of your life and my mom was like, you know what, fine, you know, I have to do that. And then once she did, well, it's a long story, but once she did, she got a lot better and the whole family got a lot better. Wow, that sounds intense. That's really rough. You know, I lost an uncle to drugs too, actually.

Similar story, took a huge toll on the family. His wife, my aunt, when she realized that he just wasn't serious about getting better, she finally had to cut him off too. And then he ended up dying of an overdose shortly after that. It was so sad. Incredibly sweet guy. Super funny. He actually taught me how to drive. That's like my most vivid memory. That does not sound super safe, but okay. Not super safe, although I'm pretty sure he was not using when he did that. Although I was like 14, so now I'm, now I'm wondering. There are a few things wrong with this story, but yeah, continue. Oh, man. Well, now you have a glimpse of who he was, but, you know, and then within a year, he was just, he was gone. It was crazy. And on my mom's side, too, her sister, she died at 39,

dude. Oh, God. And their family, their family did not intervene with her soon and And that just made things so much worse. The whole culture of people having problems and families, like when you hear about people avoiding it or other people enabling it and you go, what? That's crazy. Realize that like it's only been the past couple of decades that some people decided you shouldn't sweep problems under the rug entirely. Everybody of previous generations, almost without exception, was like, we don't talk about Uncle

Tom. Right. We don't know where he is. and then, you know, you find out 20 years later that someone in the family was like wiring him money from their paycheck every week to enable their habit. And you find out only when that person dies. Or like the, you know, it's wild. The whole thing is so intense. It just happens in all kinds of families, doesn't it?

All over the place. It really does. Yeah. And so many addicts, so many former inmates as well, they would be thrilled to have the kind of support that this woman has given her brother. And he's just throwing it away. I mean, I have compassion for him. I really do. Addiction is brutal, especially addiction to heroin.

But yeah. The way he's living his life now, it's dangerous, it's not helping his recovery. He might even be using again. We don't know. It's unclear. It's obviously causing their family a lot of pain. So I'm with Jordan here. At this point, the best approach might be to draw that boundary more deliberately. But I do wonder, Jordan, if it's worth trying one more time with her brother to clean up his act. Because it's interesting. You have done so much for your brother. But the one thing you're not doing, it seems to me, is communicating with him about all of this. I mean, look at what you're doing. You're going behind his back to talk to his parole officer so that she can lean on

him to attend more meetings. You're monitoring his email secretly to figure out what he's up to, but you're not confronting him about any of that. And now you're thinking about tipping off the cops to bust him so he'll get sent back to prison. I mean, anything to avoid sitting down with him and saying, listen, bro, I know what you're up to. I'm very concerned about you. And I'm here to tell you that you have to cut this shit out and get the help that you need or we just can't have a relationship anymore. So true. It's like she's outsourcing the horrible work of confronting him to these other people instead of reading him the riot act, which to be fair, I kind of get it.

I kind of understand it. My guess is she's just completely over his bullshit. Yeah. It's just the thought of doing more just doesn't appeal to her, which is an understatement, and I totally get it. Yeah, I get it too. It's hard to communicate openly with an addict. It's scary.

It's vulnerable. It's activating, right? So there's this tendency to tiptoe around them. And look, I'm sure your intentions are good for all we know reporting him to the police. Maybe that's the only way he's really going to change at this point. You wouldn't be the first family member to do that, and he wouldn't be the first addict to,

hit rock bottom when he finds himself in a jail cell again. Yeah, my mom, I mean, look, I could be getting this wrong and my mom listens to the show, so she might correct me here, but I vaguely remember my mom reporting her uncle, like, multiple times to the police. Oh, really? Showing them a bunch of evidence, not just of drug use, because he was stealing people's identity and credit card numbers and, like, signing up for credit cards and then going and buying electronics and then selling them to pawn shops or something to buy drugs. Yeah. At least that's what I remember. So finally, my mom, in combination with the police kind of like set him up to get arrested finally because credit card companies don't want to prosecute. And then like all these other places that were being defrauded

don't want to deal with it. And then the state kind of doesn't want to deal with it. And the cops kind of don't want to deal with it, especially if there's family members that are just going to be like enabling it or bailing him out. My mom was finally like, look, this guy's a POS. Sorry. Here, please help me out. And they finally arrested him. It was just he was a class act. What can I say? Well, there you go. It's always an option. Just know that calling the police on an addict, that's a major step. Once you pull that card, you're setting a huge process in motion. Your brother's on parole. He's already been in prison twice. They might really throw the book at him this time. So if you're going to report him, that should really be a last ditch

effort. And that's why I'm wondering, Jordan, if he deserves one last chance. And I mean, I mean a real last chance, some kind of concerted intervention, either one-on-one or with your family, to sit your brother down or write him a letter and tell him that you know he's dealing, you suspect that he's using or maybe just putting himself at risk of relapsing again, and that if he continues down this road, it's not going to be possible for you to have a relationship with him. And obviously, you'll want to approach that conversation with a ton of sensitivity, a lot of support, a lot of love. That goes without saying. But part of that love is being honest with your brother right now when he really needs it, which I get the sense that you haven't completely

done since he first relapsed. Now, if you have this conversation and he breaks down and he says, yes, I need help, take me to his treatment center, and I really hope that happens. Then maybe you can get him into a program and support him while he gets clean, although you've been around this carousel a few times now, so I would definitely manage your expectations, step back, let him do the work he has to do. But if you give him this ultimatum, and he goes right back to sling smack down at the Arco station, you know, getting Venmos with a bunch of syringe emojis in the captions, then he is on his own. And then I think Jordan is right. It's time to draw that boundary. And that'll make that boundary so much easier to enforce, you know, with a minimum amount of guilt or regret, knowing that you really

did everything you possibly could to help your brother. Yeah, I think that's really. solid advice, Gabe. What this guy needs right now is for someone to look him in the eye and tell him the truth, which may or may not have happened already. But if you're a conflict avoidant person or this whole ordeal has just been super traumatizing, I can imagine coming up with all sorts of clever reasons to avoid having a conversation that's that intense. That's when you start thinking, eh, maybe I should call the cops instead of maybe we need to pay our brother a visit. But if he just refuses to get the help he needs, then that's the choice that he's making. And you're going to have to accept it. You can't save somebody if they don't want to save them.

even if that person is your brother. I know how painful it is to accept that. I have been there. I've seen it. Front row seats. It's also liberating. All that said, like I said, I got personal experience with this, a front row seat to my mother's experience with this. So I would absolutely not judge you. If you sent his ass back to the slammer and never talk to him again, I'm not recommending that. I'm not saying that's what I would do. But I'm also not judging you for it. I'm also saying that's not not what I would do right I might just be like you know what to hell with it it's been 62 years you're a grown-ass man f you if you get to a place where that's your only option to save him I mean Gabe like he's probably been doing this shit his whole life so I would get it

if she decided that the leopard's just never going to change his spots and just cause it fair enough I totally got it too just know what he will be in for and make sure that you can live with those consequences whatever they end up being agreed well we're thinking about you guys Good luck. By the way, if you want to reach us for a question, it doesn't have to be about crazy addiction or super heavy duty, but if you got something, look, if it's a little entertaining, it might make it to the top.

You can reach us at Feedback Friday. Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com is the email. Keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a lot easier. And if you can, include the state and country that you live in, that can help us give you more detailed advice. If there's something you're going through, big decisions you're wrestling with,

or if you need a new perspective on stuff, life, love, work, what to do if your crazy ass ex won't leave you alone, whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help. We'll keep you anonymous. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right back. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. For the last two years, I've been dating the perfect woman for me in pretty much every respect. We have similar interests, values, and career paths. We both have high empathy. We're both supportive people, all of that. The only problem is that I've never been very physically attracted to her.

I feel like our relationship is really great, but I find it hard to feel animated to have sex sometimes, and she's usually the only one requesting that we have sex a lot of the time. I love her, and it would be easier if the issue were something modifiable, but to be perfectly honest and shallow, I've never really liked how her face looks. Now she's asking to move in together. I work in medicine, and I'll need to apply to programs across the country for residency soon, and she's talked about coming with me. The pressure to be more serious and commit is very high. I've been thinking about breaking up with her, but I feel a lot of pain and sadness

when I imagine being without her in my life. There are days I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her, and there are other days where I feel like I'm making a big mistake. There's a part of me that feels like I'll never find someone I'll be as compatible with again, but I also feel like maybe I'm letting something drag on that is doomed. What would you do if you were me? signed, Stay Her Bow or Let Her Know.

Yikes, yeah, tough one again, Gabe. And it's sad because this guy and his girlfriend, they're compatible in so many important ways, except for this one crucial thing that makes a romantic partnership work. Yeah. And I know he's afraid of sounding shallow, and maybe there's an aspect of his problem

that is kind of shallow, but in another way, it's really not. Physical attraction is mysterious. We're all wired differently. And if this woman just isn't for him in that department, it is what it is. And I know a lot of people would love to say, like, it's what's inside that counts and all that. And to a degree, that's true.

But if anything, the fact that he loves her in every other way and he still doesn't want to do the no-pants dance with her on the regs, that tells me there's something fundamentally off. Yes. You know, it sucks, but that's what's happening. So, look, man, I know this situation seems very complicated, but the answer is pretty simple. If you are not attracted to this woman, I think you have to end the relationship. you can't be in a truly fulfilling honest partnership with somebody that you are not attracted to. You just can't.

I'm not saying you don't love her. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve your love or anything like that. I'm not even saying that there's anything wrong with her. I mean, it's just a matter of physical taste. I am saying that if physical intimacy is important to both of you and you are not fundamentally attracted to this person, then that will be a significant barrier for you to and it will create all kinds of other problems down the road, period. And I'm glad you're not writing her off because you don't like her chin or whatever.

We all know that physical beauty that only goes so far. It doesn't always correlate with the best parts of being in love. And how you view somebody, that can really change when you fall in love with them. But after two years, if you have to slam a beer and psych yourself up to have sex with her and it's usually her idea, yeah, not good, not good. Something is not right here. And that means she's not really your girlfriend. she's your BFF, which you also have to force yourself to sleep with in order to meet

mismatched expectations. So as scary and as painful as it is, I think you know what you have to do. The choice you're facing is hurt her right now or hurt her even more later and you're not doing her or yourself any favors by sticking around. In fact, you're wasting your time, which could end up with some serious consequences for her because you're wasting her time too, especially when it comes to her having enough time to meet someone else and have kids, if that's something that she wants to do. I agree, Jordan. It's a little uncomfortable to acknowledge that physical attraction can be such a deal breaker

in a relationship, but it is. I mean, it is for this guy anyway. Somebody else, maybe it doesn't matter to them, and that's fine. That's how they're wired. I mean, look, if he wrote in and said, I can only marry someone who looks like Emily Radikowsky or something like that, I think we'd have a very different response. Then I would want to unpack his beliefs and his priorities

and probably tell him to get off Instagram and, start caring about what his partner is actually like as a person. Yeah, but that's not what he's saying, right? What he's saying is, I really love this girl, but I'm not attracted to her, which happens. There's a reason we sleep with certain people and we only have coffee with other people. None of us are attracted to every single person that we meet. It's just not how it works, especially Gabe, he literally said, I don't really like how her face looks.

I mean, it just does not get any more plain spoken than that. There's not a lot of flexibility in there, am I right? Pretty unequivocal. I agree. Okay, but then, so what does he do about this feeling that he'll never find someone like her again? Yeah, bingo, right? So this jumped out of me. So to me, it sounds more like, I can't replace this woman or I am afraid that I won't be able to replace her or find somebody like her versus I'm in love with this woman. And that is just another sign that it's time to move on. But you know, there might be some underlying beliefs worth exploring there. Maybe he doesn't believe he can find someone better. And that's kind of, where I'm leaning towards. Or maybe he has a part of him that thinks, like, I don't deserve somebody better, or I might not be able to get somebody better because of where my value is as a person, which now that we're talking about it, that might explain why he's stuck around in a relationship that wasn't working for this long. He says that he loves her and she's great in every other way.

And I believe that he thinks that. But this can also play a part here. And I'm speculating, of course, we can't know for sure, but it does explain a few things or it would explain a few things. Good point. It could be that. It could be that. Or it could be that he's so used to putting other people's needs before his own, especially since he cares about this girl so much. It's probably easier to deny what he feels than to think about hurting her. But I gotta say, Jordan, he put himself in this situation. He's known for two whole years that he wasn't attracted to this person and he played along. I mean, he knew this two weeks into the relationship and he just chose not to pay attention to it. Yeah, exactly. So my question is why? What made him shut down that voice telling him something

wasn't right. Like, that's what you need to figure out. Because if you knew then, and then you went, well, I don't know, I'm pretty bored and alone. And it was really hard for me to meet even her. And a lot of women I dated before ghosted me. That is a major clue, right? That is a major clue as to why you are dating her in the first place. And that pattern could easily repeat itself. Agreed. It'll be somebody else. You're dating somebody else. And you go, uh, you know, she doesn't want kids and I do, but I might never find anybody who wants me. You got to make sure that that's not the reason. But man, Jordan, this breakup conversation, it's going to be so brutal. I mean, what do you say?

What do you say? You're my best friend. I love you more than anyone I've ever met in my life. I just can't stand being naked with you. Yeah, I do not envy him at all. But like you said, this conversation would have been so much simpler two years ago, you know, and I don't mean to make light of this because this is a crap situation. But he definitely owes her some kind of explanation.

And it's going to be some version of, I'm sorry, but we're not compatible in this one way. And I mean, look, he could lie and be like, oh, I'm just ready for a fresh start. I'm not a big fan of that. He needs to be honest here. She deserves some kind of closure. And women, well, people in general are going to know if you're like, well, I don't know. I just want to explore my option.

She's going to be like, why am I not good enough? And if you lie to her, you're just going to drive her crazy. And that's just adding insult to injury. So if I were you, man, I'd take some time to sort through all of this. Look at your patterns, get in touch with your needs, your desires, maybe talk to a therapist about all this. because the last thing you want to do is end this relationship, like I said, and jump into another one in six months that operates in the exact same way.

This is an opportunity to really confront and rewrite these patterns for good. You and this girl, you're great in so many ways, but that doesn't mean you're right for each other. One of the hard things you've got to learn in life, if you really love her, you have to give her a chance to find the person who is right for her, and you have to give yourself that chance too. So good luck, man. All right, what's next?

Dear Jordan, Gabe, I'm 19 years old, and I'd consider myself to be ahead of others at my age. I'm a full-time college student, a production and logistics manager at a company, and an Eagle Scout. I'm fluent in two languages, and I'm learning four more because I love it, and I'm soon enlisting in the U.S. Navy as a cryptologic technician interpretive, or CTI, basically, a translator. Dang, killing it. I don't even, I mean, that sounds very impressive. Go on. Although I have hardly any social life, I spend most of my time. Yeah, I'm not surprised, man. You're learning six languages. You probably don't have time to go to coffee. Yeah, you might take it easy. Take a deep breath. Although I have hardly any social life,

I spend most of my time working on my education, job, and future ambitions. I'm always looking for new opportunities, and a couple months ago, I found another one. It's a volunteer position, totally unpaid as a congressional advisor for my home district. I applied on a whim. I felt I had no chance of ever being selected, but to my shock, I was just notified that my congresswoman has selected me as one of the advisors. I've worked with many professionals at different levels, but at 19, this new job seems a little overwhelming. I already feel the imposter syndrome kicking in, and I know that the first time I sat down with representatives and senators and other government officials, the imposter syndrome will hit me like a train. So should I take this position? What advice would you give someone who's dealing with

this sort of early onset imposter syndrome? Sincerely, the imposter among us. I'm so I'm always tempted to see these and be like, no, just quit trying new things because you might accidentally be great at them and then feel a little bit of discomfort or imposter syndrome, you know? But I do get it. He's young, right? This is, this letter was a great way to make me feel like a lazy piece of crap. Gabe, when I was 19, I was chugging PBR at dive bars and dicking around with flash animation on the internet and sitting around in like chat rooms that were black and white. You're way ahead of the game, dude. You're ambitious, you're hardworking.

You sound like an awesome guy. Congratulations on landing this new gig as a congressional advisor. 19 years old. 19. He's advising Congress people. I mean, they could use somebody with their head on straight, candidly, looking at our government. I'm not surprised they wanted you. It all sounds super exciting.

I know that high performers like you, they tend to suffer from imposter syndrome more than anybody, partly because they're smart enough to know what they don't know, and partly because they achieve a lot very quickly. And so they usually skip over some of the key developmental periods where they get to make mistakes and learn and settle into themselves, right? I mean, if you're young and you're killing it, you're going. at 90 miles an hour. So yeah, maybe there's a little, there's some gaps in your skill set. And partly because they tend to push themselves, these high achievers, that means often they

find themselves in situations where they really don't know what the hell they're doing yet, right? They are the 19-year-old kid in the congressman's office who's in charge of something. And they're like, dude, nobody, my mom didn't even let me open fresh boxes of cereal without permission and you want me to lead a project. That's when they start developing this false self. the mask, they start to feel like at any moment they're just going to be found out. Look, we talk about imposter syndrome a lot. I always point to the article in the deep dive that we did on this topic, so I'm not going to get into the weeds on dealing with that right now. We'll link to those in the show notes. Again, it's a deep dive episode and an article on this. You can check them out,

though. They are gold and they are kind of comprehensive. But for your situation specifically, my advice is take the job. I know it's daunting. I know it's a stretch. But that's what's exciting about it. I wouldn't let your early onset imposter syndrome. Great phrase, by the way. I wouldn't let that hold you back from pursuing what sounds like an incredible opportunity. Because first of all, they chose you. Gabe, you remember that show where somebody got promoted and they thought it was too early? And we got some listener feedback that said, you're not even qualified to decide if you're qualified for the promotion. Like, you don't know if you're right for it. They know you're right for it. That's why they chose you. If you were qualified to even make that decision, you're not. You

You would already be the boss. Right. You wouldn't be hiring. So they chose you. They want you. They aren't doing you a freaking favor. They see that you were an accomplished young guy who would be a great addition to the team, period. I would believe them if I were you.

They're probably more qualified to make that decision and determination than you are. Second, as a 19-year-old in a volunteer position, it's not, you're not running the whole show. Like, calm down. They're probably going to give you a couple projects, but you're not going to be in charge of something major that you could possibly screw up that has real, consequences. Not right away anyway. You don't have to know how to pass an infrastructure bill in Congress. You don't have to avoid a government shutdown or anything like that, right? It's not on you to make the position successful in the beginning. The fact that you even feel the pressure

to perform, though, says a lot about you. Frankly, the standards you hold yourself to are high, but that's also how you are creating the imposter syndrome for yourself by feeling that you need to be frickin Mitch McConnell or Kamala Harris to do a good job in your entry-level position. So yeah, you will find yourself in situations that are unfamiliar. You will be doing tasks that are a stretch. You will be the youngest person in the room, almost certainly, which is great. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be there. It just means you're pushing yourself to perform beyond your current capabilities,

or at least what you think are your current capabilities, which is exactly what you should be doing. That's the best and only way to grow. Yes, I agree 100%. I mean, you are prone to imposter syndrome because you're smart and you're self-aware and you probably leveled up really quickly as a kid. But it's not because you don't have the goods. You'll never know 100% of what you need to know to succeed in life.

And honestly, you don't have to, bro. All you have to do is work hard, be willing to learn, build great relationships, be generous with your skills, which I have a pretty strong feeling, you will. And if you ever notice yourself pretending to be somebody you're not or pretending to know more than you actually do, just take a moment, notice that imposterism creeping in, try a different approach. Maybe you raise your hand, ask for help, maybe you can take an hour to do some more research, give yourself permission to be a student again for a minute. That is totally fair. That's how you can short-circuit imposter syndrome the moment it pops up.

And if you do all that, you're going to kick ass. Good luck with the new gig man. I'm excited for you. Give yourself permission to be excited too. This is exciting stuff. This is the Jordan Harbinger show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show.

And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right. What's next? Hello, guys. I'm almost 28, and I work in a molecular biology lab created in response to COVID-19. When I arrived at the company, nothing was really working. Over the past six months, I've helped write and edit the lab's standard operating procedures, participated in tech transfers, and trained most of the med techs and associate med techs.

My supervisor relies on me a lot. At times, I even lead the lab in her place when she's not there. My contract is up for renewal soon, so I decided to ask for a title change and raise to reflect my contributions. My lab manager agreed with all of my points and said that he'd speak with upper management about it, but in the end, they said no. I've tried really hard to not let this upset me, but I can't help but have these thoughts like, what am I doing wrong? Aren't I doing enough? It especially hurts because one of my coworkers successfully negotiated for the same thing recently, and it really stings to be leading people

who are getting paid twice as much as me. I'm really ambitious, and I just thought that if I worked hard enough, I would be rewarded. I've thought about looking for other jobs, but I don't want to run away from something like this without properly resolving it. How do I come to terms with this? Do you think I should look elsewhere? Is it even fair for me to be upset? Love you guys and what you do, signed Putting My Career Under the Microscope. I'm sorry you didn't get that promotion. I know how frustrating it can be when you put in that much work, but I really admire your determination to figure out why this happened.

And that is exactly the right tool to have. Gabe and I actually took a question recently from a guy who had been passed over for a promotion at his job twice. And we dug pretty deep into what he needed to do differently next time. So I would start by giving that a listen. It was actually pretty recent. and it was episode 478. We'll link to it in the show notes. By the way, if you ever want to go to a specific episode,

I don't pump this nearly enough. You can just go to Jordan Harbinger.com slash the episode number. So you can go to Jordan Harbinger.com slash 478, and they'll take you to that on the web. Obviously, if it's in an app, just scroll to it. But I do have some thoughts about your situation specifically as well. So first of all, it's clear that you're a very smart, generous, dedicated employee. The lab is lucky to have you, frankly.

And that said, what you're realizing right now is that being smart, generous, and dedicated, they are powerful qualities, but they're not always enough to get ahead. And if they were, you'd be running the damn place by now. I mean, you kind of are running the damn place, but you're still not getting promoted. And that's my point. That tells me that there are other variables at play here. So what are they? Well, the biggest one, surprise, surprise, is the quality of your relationships in the lab.

Are you supported by your peers? Are you seen as essential by your managers? Do your supervisors like you as a person? Do you have other relationships with other med techs at the other labs who can share resources and ideas and opportunities? My guess is the answer to some of these questions is yes. But I do wonder whether you think of relationship building as a central part of your career.

Because when you said, I'm really ambitious and I thought that if I just worked hard enough, I would be rewarded, that really jumped out to me. because that's what smart, hardworking, ambitious people tend to think. Honestly, that is what I thought when I was just starting out as well. Like, I'll just grind really hard. The higher-ups are going to notice that. They'll like me. I'll get ahead on my merits.

That is rarely the case. And even if it is true in some cases, that strategy will only go so far. Having amazing relationships on top of a killer performance, that is pouring fuel on the fire. That accelerates everything you do. and all else being equal, it's the person with the great relationships who gets ahead. And people hate on this. They say like, oh, you're a brown noser.

That's not the same thing. So if I'm right here, it's time to start investing more energy into your relationships. If you need a starting point for how to do that, check out the six-minute networking course. It's free, as you all know. I've beaten that thing a million times. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is where that's at. Just get started. The drills are easy, man.

They just kick the rust off. That's the whole point. and it gives you system so it doesn't feel like a heavy lift. The other variable that matters here, this is kind of hard to diagnose by email, but I'll just throw it out there. I would take a look at your personal style. In other words,

how you present yourself to your colleagues, how you communicate, what your vibe is like in the lab, all that. And if that's closely tied to relationship building, because so much of how we relate to other people depends on things like confidence, comfort level, kindness, humor, your personality, basically,

again, it's very tempting to think, well, if I just kill it at my job, I don't have to be funny or nice or confident or any of those things, especially when you work in a technical role. But in reality, those qualities, they inform your work in a major way. And if they played a role in how you asked for the raise, for example, then they are 100% impacting your career. Yeah, great point. If she had all these pieces in place and then she asked for this raise, I do wonder if the outcome would have been different. But look, if you explore all of this and realize that you are building great relationships and your personal style is on point and you're still not getting the promotion that you deserve, then, yes, I would start looking for a new job.

It's totally possible that you're doing everything you should be doing, but you're working for people who just won't give you what you deserve, or they're just not ready to, or they're just, you know, they have some stupid policy about being an associate med tech and that's why you can't get ahead or something like that. In which case, they don't deserve you. It's okay, but I would really take the time to figure out whether that's the case before you just move on. And a great starting point would be to study your colleague who did get that promotion recently. You know, I'm wondering, do they have a different relationship with your managers than you do? Is their attitude different? Do they talk to people a certain way? Do they have a certain vibe with their peers in the break room that you don't seem to have?

I'm curious about that. I'm not trying to encourage you to compare yourself to this person in some unhealthy way, obviously, but you do have a model for what works in this lab right there in front of you, and that can be very, very helpful to study. Yeah, that's a good point. She does need to become a student of what works. And this is exactly what I did when I worked at my first law firm or one of my first law firms, just looking around and going, okay, why is that guy getting ahead? How does that partner keep bringing in so much business? And that's how I realized there was this whole other skill set networking and relationship development that I just didn't even realize existed. I didn't even know it was a skill. And Gabe, I just thought of this, but it's possible that she's made herself so

useful as a manager or a lab runner or whatever it's called that they don't want to promote her to a different position. But I don't know how, I don't know if that's super likely though. I had not thought of that. I had not thought of that. Like, she's so good at her job that they don't want to lose her, that kind of thing. Yeah. I mean, look, that's probably like there's a 5% chance of that. I'm just trying some different angles here. I guess at least though, they probably would have given her a raise and tried to retain her, right? I'm spitballing like they would have gone, hey, we can't give you that new job. But we're going to give you a great raise, we just really need you running the lab, not, oh, John's more qualified. Sorry.

So overall, you have the right attitude. Don't run away. Figure it out. Put in the work to get better. But know that if your managers aren't reciprocating your investment, you don't have to stick around forever. You've learned a ton. You've built some serious credit at this place.

You can easily walk over to the lab across the proverbial street and kill it over there. Just make sure that you're balancing your hard work with all of the other. qualities that you actually need to shine in any professional environment. All right, last but not least. Hey, Jordan, I got a six-minute networking question for you. Let's say you've decided to introduce two people to each other. Person A opts into the introduction, so you reach out to person B, but person B doesn't want the introduction. How do you proceed from there? It would be unprofessional not to follow up with person A, but it's also uncomfortable to tell them that person B just wasn't interested. Plus, that might reflect badly on me. How do you effectively deal with that awkwardness?

signed, taking it on the chin when the double opt-in becomes a blocked win. Wow, all right. Great question. So this is interesting because this clearly isn't an ideal situation. And it probably seems like a flaw in the whole double opt-in approach. But if you think about it, this outcome, this is actually why the double opt-in is so important. Because without it, you'd just go ahead and introduce person A to person B, and then person B would ghost them or resent the obligation or turn out to be a poor connection anyway. And that would reflect even more poorly on you.

So yes, you do have to take it on the chin when an introduction doesn't work out. But you're actually being a thoughtful networker by putting that on yourself rather than shifting the disappointment to the people you were trying to introduce. And I'd say that that outcome, where one party just flat out is not interested in taking you up on an introduction, it's pretty rare. It does happen with regularity, but it's not the usual. That said, there is a good way and a bad way to him. handle this. The worst way is just a ghost party A, so you never have to tell them what

happen. That'll make you look flaky and shady. A slightly better, but still not great way, is to tell person A, look, I tried, they weren't interested, sorry. You're closing the loop, so that's good, but you might make person A feel kind of bad, and also it sort of could reflect a little bit on person B because you're saying, oh, they don't like person A, right? So, the best way to handle this is to just be open about it. You can write or call person A and just be like, so look, I asked person B if they were down to meet you, but they didn't engage. So this one's not going to work out. Sorry about that. I don't know what the deal is. I'm bummed too, but I'd rather know now than introduce you to somebody who wouldn't be a

great connection for you. An update like that sends all of the right signals. It doesn't try to hide the ball. It shows that you respect person A enough to tell them the truth. And it reminds them that your top priority is making great connections for them. I actually do this with tons of people. It's never backfired. In fact, most people, they understand, they appreciate it. And if that still feels awkward for you, you can always preface your introduction offers

with something like, look, I can't promise person B will be available right now, but I'm happy to try. That way, if they do turn you down, you've already prepared person A, and it won't be as awkward later. In fact, you probably shouldn't be making promises anyways, and it doesn't even sound like you did. Oh yeah, they'd love to work

on this with you. I mean, we can't do that, right? By the way, if somebody tells me that they're flat out not interested, I'll usually say something like, well, it's not a good time right now, but maybe we can try later. If that's actually true, if someone just says like, oh, I'm so busy, I don't want any more intros, I'm not doing any podcasts because I'm on a book tour, I'm taking vacation. I will say it's not a good time right now. We can try later. And I'll just leave it there. A general way to say no to any introduction, if somebody tells you they're not interested, is just to say, now's not a good time for this introduction. It says all you need to say without reflecting poorly on anyone, because it doesn't cast judgment on the quality of any of the parties involved. It just sounds like the

stars didn't align, which is nobody's fault. But listen, if you find that people are declining your introductions a lot, then it's time to reassess. That could mean that you're not introducing the right people for the right reasons, or that you're not managing these relationships as well as you could be so that people trust an introduction from you. Or maybe it just means that you're connecting with people who don't value your generosity, which honestly, it's their loss. There's no need to keep investing in people who aren't on the same wavelength. But honestly, I wouldn't sweat this too much. It's bound to happen from time to time, especially if you're making a ton of introductions, which is great. Give the script a try. I think you'll find that this

scenario really is not as terrible as you think. And I love that you're thinking about this so thoughtfully, though. That is a great sign. And if you want more on the double opt-in intro, it's all covered in six-minute networking. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is where that is. And if you're new to the show, it's free. And if you're not new to the show, you've heard me say that 10,000 times. All right. Thanks, everybody. Hope you all enjoyed that. I do want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. Everyone who's listening. Thank you as well. You are amazing. Go back and check out the episodes from this week, Dr. Michio Kaku and Charlemaine the God. If you haven't checked those out, it's a great week of shows. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show

notes. There are videos on our YouTube channel of Feedback Friday and the interviews. Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube is where those are at. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram or just hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My amazing team is Jen Harbinger, Jay Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer.

So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on this show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. Here's what you should check out next on the Jordan Harbinger show.

Boom, this silver Jeep Cherokee just cuts across from the oncoming lane and forces us to a stop. The doors popped open, and they got out. The guy in the front seat, you know, it was called head to toe in black. He had an AK in his hand, dude in the backseat. Just this pock-faced guy sweater with a chrome pistol in his hand. They jumped out, and I knew exactly what. what was going on. I was just like in shock. Dude in the black came over, opened the cab door,

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