The Jordan Harbinger Show - 541: Spare the Pity Party; My Life is Just Restarting | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

Four years ago, you lost your spouse and child in a tragic car crash that you barely survived. Now, with a supportive partner and a toddler by your side, you're determined to move on with your life. Unfortunately, it's hard to meet new people who can see past what you've endured without pitying you. How can you truly enter your next chapter when well-meaning but oversympathizing strangers keep reminding you of your last one? We'll try to get to the bottom of this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/541 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Trying to move on from the loss of your family in a car accident years ago is difficult when everyone new you meet wants to throw you a pity party. How can you become more than the suffering sum of your tragic past's parts? You and your fiancé called it quits when she had a hallucinatory episode, wound up in the hospital, and came out with a bipolar disorder diagnosis. But you've each spent the past year coming to terms with who you are and you've considered getting back together. Could this work, or should you consider it a relationship that's sailed? A company hired you for one thing, then it turned out they needed you for something else, and their needs aren’t in alignment with your interests. Should you express your dissatisfaction to your boss, hope your next project is more to your liking, or just start looking for a new job? You've discovered that the work you love to do isn't the same as the subject you loved learning about at university. Should you feel guilty or ashamed for not using your master's degree, even though you absolutely adore your current, but completely unrelated position? How do you invite your parents' best friends to your wedding without them bringing their disruptive, social misfit adult child? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Start your free trial today. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. Today I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my right-hand man in a rescue, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. So we want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people that we profile on the show think and behave. In our mission, our greater mission, is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker.

So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening. even inside your own mind. If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you, we answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of absolutely amazing folks, spies, CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers and performers. If you're joining us for the first time, or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show, we've got these episodes starter packs. These are collections of your favorite episodes organized by popular topic. That'll help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show, and we're always expanding those, by the way. Just visit jordanharbinger.com

slash start to get started. This week on the show, we had Daryl Davis. This guy is amazing, Gabe. So this guy, he is a jazz musician. He's a black jazz musician. He studied under every famous rocker jazz musician that you can think of, like he's worked with James Brown. I mean, the guy's amazing. And his hobby, I guess you would say, is he befriends people who are in the Klu Klux Klan and other white supremacist groups. and becomes their best friend. Wild. Yeah.

That's insane. It is. It's crazy. So he's got a whole house full of robes. He showed us some on the show, full of clan robes. Because when they're sort of leaving the clan, they don't need them anymore. So they hand them off to him and talk about charm. Like this guy must really have the gift of Gab.

And he does. You'll hear it on the show. This is a two-parter. He's a really, really interesting, smart dude that has fascinating stories. And it gives you insight into the clan. He's been at cross-burning. Like, imagine, imagine being like a middle-aged black dude at a cross-burning, and people are like, what are you doing here?

And he's like, oh, I'm friends with the guy who, you know, set up the cross. I mean, it's just bananas. What an interesting hobby. Yeah. Just like, be like, I'm going to crush it as a jazz musician, but I'm going to moonlight as a KKK D programmer. Yeah, D programmer. Yeah, D programmer.

And collect the robes on their way out. Yeah. It is a wild story. He told us how he got into that. He told us why he got into that. why he continues to do that. It really is something just absolutely extra. So make sure you've had to listen to the episodes we created for you here this week with Daryl Davis. And thanks, by the way, to everyone who sends us gifts. There's snacks, there's toys, there's art, there's shoes for Jaden.

I try to thank everyone individually. I try to thank you individually, but sometimes these things just don't come with any info, right? They're shipped from somewhere or you sign the card, XYZ or like, M. And I'm like, who is that? I don't know. I can't remember where we spoke. LinkedIn, email, Facebook, whatever platform. So I can't always find you to get you back because I can't really search in some of these places. So please don't take that personally. Jen and I are very thankful for everything that we get from you. So if you sent us something and you didn't hear from us, it is not personal. I tried to look for you and I just couldn't find you. Before we dive in here to Feedback Friday, I wanted to quickly touch on something that's been coming up a lot lately on the

show, especially on Feedback Friday. We get a lot of emails about grief here on the show, not just from people who've actually lost a loved one, but people who are mourning the end of a relationship, a job, an identity, even a feeling sometimes. And a lot of what we talk about is how to face that grief head on, basically to move through grief in a way that allows you to understand and make meaning from loss, rather than denying it or running away from it. As you probably know, Gabe and I are reading this book. It's called Grief Day by Day by Jan Warner. She wrote it after her husband already died. Best friend, life partner, right? Then loses him to cancer. And in the years, he passed away, she wrote this book based on her experience, which contains a lot of her wisdom

about working through grief. And in the book, Jan has a whole chapter about unhealthy coping mechanisms for mourning. And that really jumped out at me. She talks about how when we're stressed, we tend to do the very things that make us weaker rather than stronger, even though we all know that it makes more sense to give ourselves the best odds of dealing with life's challenges. As she puts it, it's unfortunately very common for a grieving person to try and blunt the pain of grief in unhealthy and even dangerous ways. We've not found anything to soften our loneliness. And that's why we start numbing, whether it's with food or alcohol or sex or even television, all of which, as we know, have skyrocketed during the Pan E.D. Right. The pandemic has not been good for any of us,

mentally psychologically. Maybe it's not the sex part for many of us. Definitely the booze and the TV part, though, for maybe more of us. But ultimately, those addictions, and they often do become addictions. They never work for us long term. Jan puts it really nicely in the book. She says, addiction feels like self-care, but it's the opposite. And it can be deadly as well as deadening. These things feel like they help, but they really just shut down the process of grieving. They bury the feelings down deeper. They kick the can down the road, so to speak, which only makes the grief bigger and scarier to confront, because now it's sort of like hiding under the bed, right? So I just wanted to share that with you guys. I think we spent a lot of time managing our grief,

whether it's losing a parent or being laid off from a job or going through a breakup because it's so damn uncomfortable when really our best bet for getting over a loss is not to suppress the feelings and suppress the loss but to allow ourselves to move through the pain without too many unhealthy crutches you want to be Jan calls it a clear-headed griever and like the old saying goes the only way out is through right the obstacle is the way i know it's cliche it is true Keep that in mind. I hope it gives you another way forward if you're going through a tough time right now. And we'll link to Grief Day by Day by Day by Day in the show notes. It's available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble. You can also check out griefdaybyday.com. We'll link to that in the show notes as well.

Highly recommend it. And speaking of grief, Gabriel, we've got some kind of crazy ones today. So let's dive in. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. Four years ago, I had a totally different life from the one I have now. I lived in London with my husband and our 10-month-old son. I was 36. Our life was good, and we were really happy. We decided to go on holiday to France. On the third day of our trip, we were driving home from the beach, and the next thing I knew, we were flying through the air. When I opened my eyes, I knew that our son had died, and my husband had passed out at the wheel of the car. I woke up three days later at the hospital and was told that he had died as well. We had been hit by a truck. My entire world was smashed to pieces. I had lost everything. I went through the darkest of times but managed to focus on recovering and grieving the loss. It's lucky I wasn't mobile due to a broken pelvis, as I probably would have just killed myself if I had been able to. Q Rocky Style montage. A year later, I knew I wanted to have another baby. At 37, I knew that time was not on my side, but I didn't want to rush into a new relationship just to have a child. I decided to use a sperm donor,

and after two attempts at IVF, I got pregnant. While I was trying the IVF, I met someone, and we fell in love. My partner moved in with me a month before my daughter was born, and we've become a family. It's not been completely smooth sailing. It's been complicated and messy, but it's working, and I'm happy. That comes with guilt and all kinds of emotions, but I'm working with a therapist. For the most part, life is good. Having a toddler and being outgoing, I'm starting to meet new people, especially other moms at my daughter's school. I know I don't need to explain my situation to everyone I meet, but I often find myself dodging questions and being vague about my past. How do I tell new people about how I got to where I am without them looking at me with that sympathetic head tilt

and then just being the tragic woman who had a car accident and lost her husband and son? We're also British, and we don't really do well with emotions. Thanks for your advice, signed a woman with a past, trying not to be typecast. Well, I'm kind of speechless right now. That story is like a movie, honestly. It's just something you have a hard time believing,

well, wanting to believe. Words fail you in a situation like this. I'm so sorry you went through this. Talk about trauma. Losing your baby and your husband and just being in that much physical pain and then feeling guilty for surviving is truly heavy stuff.

And the fact that you've come through it that you're building a new life, that in itself is extraordinary and I commend you for that. That could not have been easy. As a parent, this is just one of many nightmare scenarios. It's interesting, Gabe. On the one hand, I don't know

how you go through something like this and then not have it be the defining event of your entire life. On the other hand, I fully and totally understand why she does not want this story to become her whole identity. Right. It's like she has to be able to share this story with people in order to have meaningful relationships. But then she says, you know, I lost my husband and my son in a car accident a couple years ago. And suddenly that's all they can see. Exactly. She doesn't just want to become the tragedy.

She wants to be seen as a full person who's made it through that tragedy and has other thoughts and experiences and feelings and is building this whole new life. She doesn't want everyone to imagine, right, you talk about this and then everyone just goes, aw, right? Or like some sort of less condescending version of that, but gives you the look that says that in your head and you're just like, oh, every time it's so, it would be annoying to deal with that.

And then you know that the first thing they do is they go, did you hear about Cheryl's accident? And it just becomes the talk of the town and everyone you see at the grocery store is now giving you these weird puppy dog eyes for the rest of your life. No thanks. Spreads like wildfire. Yeah. Yeah. That's another risk. Yeah.

And then they're getting the story. without you being able to tell it, and then it's like taking on a whole other meaning that maybe you didn't even intend because people can't help but talk. Yeah. I understand where she's coming from here. So the question is, how do you actually do that without people viewing you a certain way? Well, first of all, I think it's worth pointing out that people are going to have some kind of reaction to your story.

And it might not always be the one that you want. Some people will get really sad. Some of them are going to get uncomfortable. Some of them are going to clam up. And part of owning your story is accepting that you can't. completely control other people's reactions to the story. Sure, it's possible that some people might end up viewing you as that tragic woman for a period of time. That might be frustrating or uncomfortable, but that's okay. Because this is tragic, you have been through something terrible, and to expect

people to not respond to that sadness, it's not entirely reasonable, especially if you're talking to other parents. This is because this is their worst nightmare, like I said, right? Even me reading this, hearing this, I had my own reaction. I don't know what that reaction would have been like if you were standing in front of me, of course, but to some degree, you're going to have to tolerate people's pity, their sadness, their shock, whatever it is. And just know that that's not necessarily wrong or bad. It's just the way that people are processing what you're telling them, and that they're allowed to have this authentic reaction. In fact, it would be a little weird if they didn't. But then you might be able to help people wrap their heads around what you're actually

telling them, help them see you as more than just this event. You can tell them the story, however brief you want to keep it, and then say something like, so I know that's super heavy. I'm sure it's pretty intense to hear something like that, but we're friends now, so I just felt like it was time to share this with you. I'm happy to talk about it some more if you'd like. Then maybe they talk to you about it, or they ask you questions, or they share something intense that they've been through, and that's just how you start to really get to know each other beyond the story. It's called heavy disclosure, if you're going to dissect the rapport process here. So you might even want to let them in on your experience with this. Like, it's hard for me

to talk about this, because honestly, I'm worried you're only going to see me as somebody who's been through this one horrible thing, and I want you and the other moms to see me as more than that. I don't want it to be the only thing we can talk about, you know? If you can call it out like that, you're going to be doing a few things. For one, you'll be sharing this very vulnerable part of yourself with the other person, which is how you can let people get to know you be on the story. You'll also be giving them permission to treat you normally, to not just pity you all the time, which is going to probably be a relief for both of you, and you'll probably feel more at ease, because you'll be openly acknowledging what's so hard about these conversations.

Because right now, I think you feel that your choices either remain a mystery to other people or spill my guts and have this thing just define me completely. But there's this whole middle ground between those things, where you open up to people in an appropriate way, in a thoughtful way, and you do that in a way that honors what you've been through, but that also allows people to see you as more than just a woman who lost her family in a tragic accident. Well, said Jordan, and it's also about how much she's processed this trauma on her own. If she breaks down in tears whenever she tells this story, and honestly, who could blame her if she did?

I mean, I'm sure there's a long phase of that kind of reaction. But yeah, if this is still very raw for her, it might be hard for other people to see her as more than what she's been through. But if she's gotten to the point where she can say, this is what happened to me, it was the darkest period of my life, the most horrible thing I've ever been through. But I've worked very hard on my recovery mentally, emotionally. I've met a new guy. I have a daughter. I'm building a new life now. If she can share that without falling apart or only inviting people's pity, then that sends a very different signal. Right. The way that she handles this conversation, how she relates to people when she tells the story, that's communicating a ton of information about her. And that's the information they're going

to use to decide how to make sense of it. And also whether this is the only thing she talks about. If she goes around telling this tragic story to anyone who will listen, which I don't get the sense that she does that. I'm just saying, for example, then yeah, it's easy to be pigeonholed. as, you know, the lady who went through the terrible thing. But if she talks about other things in her life, if she can listen to people talking about their lives, if she can be available to them, then they're going to respond to that. They'll be thinking, wow, this woman has been through pretty much the worst of life. But look, she's sitting here with me. I feel comfortable talking to her. She can make space for other people and other topics beside herself. I like this

woman. I want to get to know her better. And I want her to get to know me. There's something bigger in the relationship than just the facts of the story. Right. If she doesn't want to other people to define her by this one thing, that she can make an effort not to define herself by it, at least in the moment she's having a conversation with someone. Exactly. And look, we're not saying you can't talk about it. I'm not saying it's not unreasonable to want people to take it seriously, right? There will be days when it's all you want to talk about. I think that is very, very normal. But those are the days that you bring it into therapy. That's when you talk about it with your partner, knowing that these new friends of yours, they'll probably need to work up to getting super deep

into this with you because it is so intense. And the way that they see you in the very beginning, that will depend a lot on how you share this part of your life with them, and also how often. So it's a balance. So that's our advice. When you're ready in the right contexts, I definitely encourage you to share this part of your life with people you want to be closer with. You'll have to accept that they won't always have the reaction you want, but that they could see you differently if you invite them in a little, if you take a genuine interest

in them. You can get to know people in ways that, sure, they might be informed by your trauma, but they're not always about your trauma, if that makes sense. If you do that, I think this part of your life will actually help you build even more meaningful relationships. And in fact, that might also give this incredibly difficult chapter some new meaning. And again, we'll bump grief day by day one more time. And she talks a lot about this in that book, how mourning makes you more available to connection,

which can help you process and make meaning out of a loss. Again, so sorry that this has happened to you, but you should be really proud of how far you've You know, you found a ton of resilience and probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. And I'm sure that that's made you a hell of a lot stronger, more empathic, empathetic as a human being. And those are powerful qualities. Don't be afraid to own them. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing this story with us, wishing you the best. And damn, Gabe, it freaks me out that things like this happen. It's just terrifying how fragile life is sometimes, you know, as a parent of one small child with another one on the way, which I think I've said this in a commercial by accident, but Jen is pregnant. We have a baby on the way coming in December, a girl this time. Amazing. Amazing.

Yes, we're looking for a J name. A lot of people said, Jaden. And we're like, okay, you clearly don't obsessively listen to the show. You'd know already that I have a son named Jaden. Yeah, so Jain names for girls is where we're at right now. But my point is, it's just, you know, it's scary to think they could be on their way to target to pick up some lactose-free milk or whatever the hell my wife buys all the time.

And then it's like, hey, you know, you just get this call or like the call or like the cops show up at the door and like that's the moment. That's like the silent scene in movies where the person's face, you know, changes and they break down and you're just like, that happens to people in real life and it's horrible. Yeah, it really is next level stuff. This is, I mean, this is like the edges, edges of normal everyday life experience. I mean, this is just it's the outlier event that turns your life upside down. It's hard to even wrap your head around it. But then you hear from a woman like this who's been through it and has made it out the other side. And in a horrible way that I wish it never happened. It's, it's incredibly inspiring. I mean, just to think that somebody could

pick their life back up and build it again and carry all of this with them and make it work and build a new family. It's incredible. It really is. By the way, y'all, you can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line. That does make our job a lot easier. And if you can, let us know where you are, state country. That'll help us with more detailed advice. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on things like life, love, work, whether you should speak at your abusive sibling's wedding. Still wrapping my head around that one from last week. Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help. We keep every email anonymous. You're listening to

Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right. When it's time to scale your business, it's time for Shopify. Get everything you need to grow the way you want. Like all the way. Stack more sales with the best converting checkout on the planet. Track your cha-chings from every channel, right in one spot, and turn real-time reporting into big-time opportunities. Take your business to a whole new level. Switch to Shopify.

Start your free trial today. You're right back. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right, next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a guy in my early 30. and my fiancé, who's also in her early 30s, struggled with depression for a few years since her mother died.

I struggled a bit to understand what I wanted in life and our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was always caring and loving, and I had a lot of confidence that we could work through anything together. At the start of the pandemic, she started acting a bit out of character, then suddenly very out of character. It came to a traumatic climax when she began hallucinating

and ran out of the house at 4 in the morning. Calling 911 was the scariest moment of my life. She spent a couple weeks in the hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Although I knew we'd have challenges ahead of us, I felt committed to the relationship. My fiancé, however, felt that she needed to move on in order to feel better. We canceled the wedding, broke up, and she moved out. I was pretty devastated. I spent last year working on myself, connecting with friends and family, and working with a therapist.

I began to understand the reasons we broke up aside from the diagnosis. I got a job that better fit my interests and found a resurgence of energy in my life. I found a great new relationship which helped me create a whole new vision for my future. Unfortunately, that relationship ended a couple of months ago, as I really want kids and she didn't. We parted amicably after seven months, and I still felt quite strong. In general, both my ex-fiance and I were moving in positive directions in our lives. A few days ago, she suddenly brought up the idea of getting back together. She had also entered a new relationship, but was having doubts. We talked about the life we had started to create together. I was quite close with her family,

even after the breakup, and I thought back to how committed I was to making our relationship work. But I also worry about starting the relationship up again, knowing the way things ended. I worry I won't find the same love and devotion with her again, and I worry about wasting time on a relationship that might not ultimately work. But doing so feels like turning my back on a family I really loved. So what should I do? And how do I accept whatever direction I do choose? Signed, give it one more shot or a second thought. Wow. This is some real, was that movie Gabe Silver Linings playbook, right? With Bradley Cooper and The Hunger Games girl.

Jennifer Lawrence. Yes. Yeah. I'm sorry you guys went through all of this. I'm sure it was incredibly scary for her and super unsettling for you to watch somebody you love, just have a manic. Is that the right term? Manic episode?

Sounds like it. Especially one with hallucinations. I mean, good Lord. It sounds like it forced something of a reckoning for you guys. She prioritized her treatment over your relationship, smartly, honestly, in my opinion. And you've done a ton of growth since then. which is excellent. But now you're wanting to start things up again,

and that's obviously a very complicated decision for both of you. So first of all, I would get really clear, very clear, on why you want to get back with your ex. I'm not talking you out of it, okay? I'm just asking. I'd be asking you this, even if she didn't have this mental health stuff that you're worried about here,

do you want to get back together because you feel deep down that this is your person? Or do you want to get back together out of nostalgia or loneliness or data, really hard, you know, maybe you won't be able to do better. You also mentioned her family, not wanting to turn your back on them. And that is very sweet. But I think you also know that's not a good enough reason to get back together with somebody. You know, you're dating her, not her parents. I also wonder what her parents represent to you if maybe you're looking for a

family to take you in, in addition to finding a wife. That's obviously part of the package when you marry someone, but it cannot be your whole reason. So I would definitely explore that some more, either yourself or with a therapist. And on the other side of the ledger, you have all these concerns. You've come a long way without her. You're concerned this whole cycle might repeat itself.

You're concerned that you might not be able to recreate the same love, that you might be chased in the past year, like some kind of bipolar Gatsby. And you also say that you came to understand the reasons you broke up aside from the diagnosis. I'm very curious about that.

Have those issues been resolved or are they just waiting to recreate themselves? and I want to be clear here, bipolar disorder doesn't make people defective or anything. It doesn't mean they can't or shouldn't be in relationships, not at all. It's just a challenge that they have to manage, like many other challenges that we face in relationships. Overall, the fact that you found a resurgence of energy in your life, so to speak, after the breakup, that's a really meaningful data point.

And that tells me that a ton of your energy was being sucked into this relationship, or that you were just so wrapped up in this woman that you lost sight of yourself. Either way, not a great sign. So I would ask yourself those questions, and I would be very clear with yourself about why, after all of this amazing growth that you've done, that you want to start things up again. I'm not saying that automatically makes it a bad idea.

People can definitely work on their shit and get back together, and that can be great. But I'll be honest, I think it's pretty rare. And in your case, I would be really diligent in unpacking all of the thoughts and feelings that are pulling you back to this relationship, okay, so that you know for sure you're doing, it for the right reasons, not just acting out some old programming.

My thoughts, exactly, Jordan. And if you do all that and you decide that you do want to give this relationship another go, then I would be very thoughtful about how you do it as well. Really think through what you'll need to make this relationship work. You have experience now. You know what comes up. You know what could come up in the future. How are you going to be in a relationship with someone with this particular disorder, which, as I'm sure you know, not impossible by any means, but also not always easy. And again, just to echo what Jordan said, I'm not saying people who are bipolar are, you know, automatically a liability or that you have to be afraid of what they're going to do or that they don't deserve to be in a relationship. Of course

they do. What I am saying is that people who struggle with this disorder have a little more work to do to take care of themselves and they owe that to themselves and they owe it to the people they're in a relationship with. So here's what I'd be thinking about. First of all, is she on medication? Does it seem to be working? Does she take it consistently? Does she have a history, for example of going off her meds and then struggling for a period of time before she agrees to go back on them, which unfortunately very common and can be very destabilizing. I would ask her very directly about all of that. Tell her that you're not judging her. You're not trying to make her feel bad about any of this. You just want to understand how she takes care of herself, what you can expect,

how you fit into her treatment. And hey, maybe you talk to her parents too, since you're so close with them. Maybe you can ask them how they think she's doing. They might not have the full picture or they might not want to get in the middle of this, which I could understand. But if I were you, I would definitely be trying to get as much information as possible in advance. Another thing to consider, is she in therapy? Is she doing what you're doing? Does she seem to have a good handle now on how her mood works? Does she have a support system in place if she experiences a manic or depressive episode? I would want to know all of that before you're having to call 911 at 4 in the morning again because she's hearing voices or imagining people spying on her through the window or whatever it is. These are just very stock examples, but very

common ones, you know. I'm not making light of any of this. You've been here before. This is literally what you described in your letter. And just to be fair, it could happen again. But honestly, the most important thing you can do is to get very clear on what you expect from her. Taking her medication, I imagine that that's probably one of those non-negotiables. That seems fair. Maybe you have other ones like talking to you pretty openly when she feels a mood swing coming on, going to therapy regularly, maybe approving major decisions with you in advance. You might also have to protect your here in certain very practical ways. For example, a lot of partners of bipolar people, we've actually talked about this on the show before, they choose to keep separate bank accounts so that their partner

doesn't, you know, I don't know, drain their IRA and buy a bunch of jet skis for an expensive trip to the Florida Keys on a whim or whatever. I don't know what your girlfriend's particular manic behaviors are. For some people, it's going on a spending spree and for other people it's having a lot of rapid thoughts or becoming intensely religious. I mean, that's a common one. Or having a heightened sex drive. Whatever it is, I would get clear on that. consider the worst-case scenario and then take the necessary steps to make sure that you're mitigating the risks to both of you. In other words, you're going to have to draw some very good boundaries to make this work. And also, just something to consider couples counseling could be super useful. A therapist can help

both of you understand this disorder better. They could help you work through any conflicts that come up, maybe even help you set some of these boundaries. We're also going to link to a bunch of resources for you in the show notes, including an old Feedback Friday episode about a woman who was in, shall we say, challenging relationship with a bipolar guy who, if I remember correctly, Jordan, he was not taking very good care of himself, probably not taking nearly as good care of himself as this woman is in the story. But I do think that'll be interesting, helpful for you to listen to right now. That's exactly what he's going to have to do to make this work and get clear with himself what he's going to do if she doesn't live up to that agreement, right? That's important to,

where are you going to stay? Will you leave? Will you help her work through it? All of that. You have to kind of have a backup plan, or at least an emergency plan. You know, what happens if she's like, I don't need the medication and you can't make me take it and things go off the rails. So basically, if you decide to get back together with your ex, you have to accept her as she is and you have to set strong boundaries that you're prepared to hold. I would also continue all of this great self-care stuff that you've been doing so that you don't get lost in this relationship again.

People do manage to make these relationships work so it is possible. but when it does work, it's because both parties are being super responsible for themselves and respectful of each other. But if you aren't prepared to do all of that, then I would advise you to think twice here. Your life has moved in such a positive direction since the breakup. I have to wonder what's pulling you back here. Your ex, she might be an absolutely incredible person. She might in fact be your incredible person. But then your person is coming with a major challenge that you will have to manage on top of all of the other problems that existed in the relationship before. And if you're not up for that, then I'm not sure that you are her person.

All right. Next up. Hey guys. When I started a new job in artificial intelligence a few months ago, I was assigned to a few machine learning projects, which I was really excited about. After they were completed, I was told to work on something completely different, which I wasn't expecting. In short, I had to learn a new programming language and build this thing I knew nothing about. I asked my managers why they wanted me to work on this project, and they said it would help with the other machine learning projects down the line, so I stuck it out. I think I'm doing well, but I hate it. Now they've introduced other projects for me to work on after this one is complete, but

none of them are even related to machine learning, so I feel like there's truly no point to me working on this. Should I tell the CEO that I don't like the work I'm doing? Is it better to just do it, and I hope my next project is more to my like-eating. or should I start to look for a new job? Signed, real frustrated with this artificial nonsense. So this is frustrating, but it happens all the time. A company hires you for one thing,

and then it turns out they need you for something else, and their needs are not in alignment with your interests. All part of the corporate dance. So here's what I'd do if I were you. You just joined the company. It's only been a few months. You're still building your street cred at this place, so I would spend about six to nine months

absolutely crushing anything they assigned you. earn their loyalty, build up some capital, social capital and otherwise, then have a conversation with the CEO. And in that conversation, you can say, listen, I joined you guys because I was super excited to work on machine learning. I know you need me for other stuff from time to time. I was happy to help you out there. I do feel that I've learned a ton. I'm grateful for that. But what I really want to be doing is machine learning. That's why I'm here, and that's where I can be most useful to you. So, what do you think about me getting back to that kind of work? Chat like that is totally fair, but it is so much easier if you've shown that you're not a diva,

you're a team player who was happy to roll up his sleeves on something new, but really wants to be doing what he was hired to do. Agreed. That's exactly how I would do it. I also think there's something to be said for doing some work outside of your wheelhouse just for a short period of time. Even if you're not super pumped about it, you never know how those skills will pay off down the line. You know, one day you might be managing a project and you'll need to understand that new programming language that you picked up or you'll be working on a weird problem, obscure technical issue, and that experience will help you come up with a cool solution you might not have thought of

otherwise. I don't really think there's any such thing as time completely wasted. It'll always pay dividends somewhere down the line. So as annoying as the situation is, and I get it, I would also try to open the aperture here just a little bit. Okay, I agree. But what if the CEO says, sorry, too bad, I need you to work on this other stuff that you hate for the next three years. then I would start looking around for a new job and there are probably two scenarios there. Scenario one is you get an offer for a machine learning position and you take it totally fair, in my opinion. Scenario two is you get that competing offer, go back to your CEO and you say, listen,

I wasn't planning on doing this, but I got an offer from this other company to work on machine learning, which as you know is what I really want to do. I'd love to be able to stay. I want to do that with you. But if I can't, then I have to take this offer seriously. So what do you say? Can we get back to the machine learning now? And then the ball is really in their court.

but either way, you win. That's the move, definitely, because if they're like, no, we really need you to be programming, I don't know, whatever it is, the internal accounting software, then you go, okay, well, I've got a better,

maybe even more highly paid offer elsewhere doing something that I like, so peace. You know, that's definitely, definitely the move. The bottom line is, yes, it's important to listen to that voice telling you that you're not happy. You have to advocate for yourself in your career if your company

is not doing right by you. but it's also valuable to pick up some new skills, even if it's by doing something you don't love. And when you're here for just a few months into a new job, it really is important to build capital and deepen your relationships before you start pushing for major changes. And I give that period six months,

maybe nine tops, it sounds like a long time, but it really isn't. After that, speak up for what you want. Be collaborative about finding a solution. And if you can't, then it might not be the company for you. It's time to jump ship, totally fine. It happens all the time. And if you stick it out for this time and then you have to get

another offer and leverage it, then you left after a year, not after six months, which looks bad, you know, pretty bad when your job jumping. And Gabe, this reminds me of when I was working in big law firms, there were lots of stories like this, but when I remember very clearly was one of these lawyers, she really wanted to be doing, I don't know, let's just say real estate work. I don't remember exactly what it was, and they kept giving her some other kind of corporate contracts or derivatives work. So instead of doing that, she just read detective novels for nine months. She did no work. Oh, wow. None. What was the point? What was the goal? I think her goal was, and they confronted her about not billing anything, because, you know, you have to bill hours as an attorney. Yeah. And she said,

well, I told you I only wanted to do this kind of work and you're sending me this other kind of work, so I'm not going to do it. Oh, wow. Can you believe that? I mean, that was what the market was like. So she won? Like, I don't understand. She kind of won that, but I assume that everyone went, she's terrible and fired her as soon as they could replace her. Yeah, I mean, that's... That is such a power move. It's a power move, but it also only works in, like, the 2007 legal market where they're printing money

and every person that they hire for 180 grand a year makes them 500 grand, so they're just getting as many as they can. Good point. In today's market, that wouldn't fly. But it just... Lawyers are weird, man. especially the people who go to big law firms. A lot of those people are just kind of, you know, they come with quirks. Let's put it that way.

I like that she's like, I don't want to work on this financial instruments thing. That's going to make you guys a ton of money. I'm going to be over here curling up with my Agatha Christie. Yeah, she literally did no work. She just read novels and when they were like, what's going on? HR was like, why aren't you billing any hours? And she's like, I told you I wanted real estate work and you're sending me derivatives work and I don't want to do it.

Yeah. And also Mrs. Marple is about to crack this case. Yeah. Also, yeah. Also, I'm on the letter like I from, Who's that author that every novel starts with another letter of the alphabet? And it's like, M is for murder.

Like A is for alibi. And it just goes through the whole alphabet. Sue Grafton. Sue Grafton. That's right. Sue Grafton. She's like, all right, I'm on letter. Like, why?

I'm not stopping now. Give me another two weeks. This is the Jordan Harbinger show. And this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. who doesn't love some good products and or services.

You can always visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I graduated two years ago with a master's in English. The goal was to become an English professor and continue working through the department.

But the closer graduation came, the more I realized I didn't enjoy it. Seeing students grasp the point of a lesson was always amazing, but I found myself dreading class rather than looking forward to it. I felt like I wasn't doing a good job and that my students all secretly hated me. After trying to figure out what else I could do, I applied on a whim to an administrative assistant position at a therapy services company and it's the best job I've ever had.

Nothing too fancy, but it's stable and I honestly love working for a company that helps people. But I sometimes feel a bit guilty about not using my master's degree, especially around my parents. They don't particularly shame me, but I sometimes feel. feel like I let them down for not becoming an English instructor and wasted the time I spent in the program. I know past experiences can help with future ones, but should I feel guilty or ashamed for not using my degree, even though I absolutely adore my current position? Signed, Breaking Grad. Interesting question and super relatable for a lot of people. As you probably know, I went to law school.

I worked as an attorney before I started this show. I kind of mentioned that earlier. I had a similar change of heart along the way, and no, I wasn't the one reading Sue Grafton novels. and refusing to do the work. And I got to say, even though I'm 100% happy that I left the law, I don't regret going to law school. Look, I didn't have to go to law school. I probably, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't go to law school. So let me be clear there. It was a flawed assumption, but I still grew a lot. I learned a ton about myself. I learned a ton about the world. I learned a ton about how to think. I learned a ton about how the financial markets work and how legal decisions are made, so it's expensive entertainment and expensive learning, but I'm not

thinking like, wow, that was the biggest mistake of my life. Most importantly, I learned that I really didn't want to be a lawyer. And the show I started, which became the show you're listening to now, it actually grew out of what I was learning at the time, what I wanted to understand better. So I wouldn't be doing what I love living my best life over here if I hadn't gone down the quote-unquote wrong path. So should you feel guilty or ashamed for not using your degree, even though you absolutely adore your current position? Absolutely not. It sounds like you really didn't love teaching.

If you don't genuinely enjoy something and you have the ability to try something new, that is absolutely fair. In fact, I think you have an obligation to yourself to build the life that you're excited about, professionally, personally, emotionally, all of it. Also, you love your new job. You didn't give up teaching

and then land in a company you despise doing work that makes you want to jump out the window. You listen to that voice and the voice was right. and you wouldn't be where you are right now if you hadn't gotten your master's degree and realized you didn't love teaching. So it's all a part of your story. Also, who's to say you wouldn't feel this conflict

if you had stayed in academia? I mean, you might have felt guilty for ignoring that voice telling you that teaching wasn't for you or maybe you would feel ashamed for not pursuing a career that really fulfilled you. And if you'd have those feelings either way, I feel like wouldn't you rather be working them out

while you're building a life you actually enjoy? I know I would for sure personally. So I guess the real question is, where are these feelings coming from, really? If they're coming from your parents, then you might want to talk to them about it. Maybe you tell them that this decision wasn't easy for you. It took a lot of work and effort on your part to make sure that this was your path, but you know that it was the right move to make. You can share a little more about why you left academia. You could tell them how unhappy you were. Maybe you could help them see, in other words, what you're doing now is more aligned

with who you really are. But honestly, just based on what you've shared, it's possible that there is a little bit of projection going on here. I think maybe you feel some of this guilt and shame about yourself and you might be locating those feelings in other people like your parents. And look, maybe they're not totally thrilled about this career move. I'm not gaslighting you or whatever, not at all. But even if they did feel that way about your choice, it probably wouldn't affect you this much if you didn't on some level wonder if these things were true yourself. So when you notice this guilt and the shame coming up, here's an interesting question you could ask yourself. Are you feeling ashamed because you studied one thing and now you're doing another? Or are you feeling ashamed because

you believe that if you study something, you have to do it for the rest of your life, even if it makes you totally miserable? That's a good one, man. You're saying, is it the situation itself or is it her thoughts about the situation? Right, because if she investigates those thoughts a little more, she might find a more helpful lens on her story. You know, you don't have to do the same job forever for it to be worthwhile. Where you have been, academia, that has led you to where you are now. So maybe take a moment to see how those dots connect in a cool way. They're starting to connect in a cool way. And also maybe try to appreciate what you did pick up in academia that's carrying over to your new job. I bet that the way you talk to people, the way you learn a new

subject, maybe just your overall curiosity. I feel like that's all part of the same journey. It's like the machine learning guy from the previous question, right? Like what we think of as time wasted is rarely time wasted. Something always carries over. And sometimes like with Jordan and the law or with me in management consulting, which is what I did before I did all of this, or that guy with the programming language, it's just the realization that there's something better for you out there. And what could be more valuable than that?

That realization alone, that can give a previous chapter a ton of meaning. Well, said Gabe, I totally agree there. So keep listening to that voice. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to evolve. Try to enjoy the ride. I'm pretty sure that you'd rather be helping people feel better than reciting Milton to a bunch of zonked out 19-year-olds

who are doom scrolling on their phones into the desk during your lecture. So it sounds like a win to me. Good luck. All right. Next step. Hey, guys. I'm planning a wedding next year about three and a half hours north of where I and most of the guests live.

I want to invite my parents' best friends who are basically my second set of parents growing up. Our families do everything together and they're extremely close. Here's the thing. They have a daughter. Let's call her Danielle, who's 20 years old, still lives at home and has a two-year-old child. My mom describes Danielle as a social misfit, which is being. polite. Danielle slept with my younger sister's boyfriend a few days after their super nasty breakup, and just recently, Danielle told my straight older sister that she's into girls now and has started

making romantic advances toward her. Danielle's child is also extremely poorly behaved, and my mom is worried that she's going to act out throughout the entire intimate ceremony. No one in my family wants Danielle and her child to come. They're willing to sacrifice a wedding invite for the parents in order to prevent them from coming because they know the parents will bring her and her two-year-old along. My question is this. Is there a way for me to invite the parents and make it clear to them that their daughter and granddaughter are not invited? Or should I just do what my family asks and forgo the invitation altogether? Signed, managing the blacklist. Ugh, the old, who do we invite to the wedding, rigamar roll? I'm so glad that I never have to think about

that again. Right. Sounds so stressful. My second, third, and fourth marriage. I'm not inviting anyone. That's just got to be the most stressful part of planning a wedding. Smart move, yeah. So this is a tough one because you're super close to Danielle's parents and you want them there and they're definitely going to be hurt if you don't invite them. On the other hand, you're saying you can't invite them and say, sorry, but you can't bring Hurricane Danielle and her tropical storm offspring. Yeah, that sounds like a category five shitstorm right there. But why can't you say that? Right, they can. Okay? They're just afraid to. All you have to do is address the invitation to the parents, not allow them any plus ones.

That means D and many D are not invited. And if they ask you why, you politely tell them that you had to make some tough choices on the guest list, but you definitely wanted them to be there. Or maybe you get the parents to deliver the message, since they're the ones who are such good friends with them in the first place. Maybe if they explain the situation delicately, then their friends will get it, but it sounds like they kind of tried that, they're afraid to try that, so they think it won't work. But if you're really afraid to tell them, here's an idea.

What if you said, listen, we're keeping the wedding pretty small, and unfortunately we have to keep the guest list really small. We really want to invite you guys, your basically family, but unfortunately, we don't have enough room for D and Mini D. We're super bummed. I hope you understand. You know, just blame it on your budget and venue size. Maybe you even blame it on the venue's COVID rules.

Oh, you know, they got this limit now, and it just happens to be two people less than we wanted. So there we go. You know, come on. This can't be that hard. Yeah, that's definitely the safest bet. But the only thing is that'll work if the wedding is actually pretty intimate. But if they roll up to the island and there are like 300 guests there, they're probably going to be pretty good.

They can't have 302. We could do three and one. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's true. It's going to get tricky at that point, I think. That's true. But you know what? Then it's too late for them to get mad.

Also, as my grandma, to say, toughkishka. It's not their friggin party. She didn't say the friggin party part. She just said toughkishka. Toughkishka, yeah, I like that. But ultimately, my opinion is this. It's your wedding. You get to decide who's there. You don't need to be a dick about it, but you're allowed to say, I'm sorry, this is the guest list. It might ruffle a few feathers, too bad. And anyway, it doesn't sound like you care if you piss off, Danielle. I mean, she moved in on your sister's accent, banged him. She's hitting on your sister who's not interested. She's raising a demon's bun. I just don't know how much you owe this person.

so do what you feel is right. Try to make her parents see where you're coming from. If they press you, it sounds like it won't be very hard for you to make the case. Just try not to let other people get to you too much. And congrats on the wedding, by the way. That's a joyous occasion.

Honestly, Gabe, these people, they have to know their daughter is a train wreck. They might be in denial, but they have a clue. They for sure have a clue, and they know that their granddaughter is misbehaved, and they just feel bad, so they excuse the behavior.

They might not even like it, And they might just feel at some level that they can't do anything about it. But at some level, I feel like they've got to understand where our writer is coming from. Hey, we don't want the kid knocking over the cake and throwing food during the ceremony and the reception and tripping the waiters. And my sister-in-law who's in the party getting hit on by your daughter. Like, they freaking, people whose lives are like this who are otherwise normal, they know that something is wrong. They have to. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed that.

I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you for that. Go back and check out Daryl Davis. If you haven't yet, you will not regret that episode, I promise. If you want to know how I managed to book all of these great guests, I've got a great network. I use software systems and tiny habits to create and maintain that network. I'm teaching you how to do so for free.

The six-minute networking course is where you'll find it. It's over on the think-iffic platform at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you. you get thirsty. These drills are amazing. They've changed my life. They've changed my business. Find it all for free at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. There's going to be a video this feedback Friday on our YouTube at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. We also have a Clips channel at Jordan Harbinger.com slash clips. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram,

or you can hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My amazing team is Jen Harbinger, J. Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own, and I am a lawyer, but not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love. If you've found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. Here's what you should check out next on the Jordan Harbinger Show. What I tried to do was thank a thousand people who had even the smallest role in making my cup of coffee possible. And a thousand years ago, oh, that's not a lot. It's a lot.

Oh, my God, it was a lot. A hundred people would be a tedious. No, it was. It was way more than I. 10 times that many. Everything we do requires hundreds, thousands of interconnected people and that we take for granted. And just making this mental switch, just from a selfish point of view, is very good because it really does help you appreciate the hundreds of things that go right every day

instead of focusing on the three or four that go wrong. There's a great quote. I wish I'd come up with it myself, but it says it's easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of acting. So I had to fake it for a long time. You know, I would wake up in a grumpy mood, but I'd be like, I have to spend an hour calling or visiting people and thanking them. And I'm not in the mood to do that now.

No. So it was like acting. It was like method acting. And I would force myself to do it. But I'll tell you by the end of that hour, your mind, you know, the cognitive dissonance is too much. Your mind will switch over to gratefulness. There's a great quote that happiness does not lead to gratitude.

Gratitude leads to happiness. Having that mindset really will make you happier. For more with AJ Jacobs and his fascinating journey to thank everyone involved in his cup of morning coffee and an inside look at just how complex the supply chain of our lives really is, check out episode 174 of the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not, the through line is always the same.

Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that, I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening.

You can thank me later.