The Jordan Harbinger Show - 553: Is Friend's Fiancé Despotic or Simply Erotic? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

Your best friend speaks glowingly about her fiancé, but she lives far away and your recent communications have only taken place by text and telephone. The thing is, this fiancé seems to be ever-present and listening in the background whenever she's in contact, and she let it slip that he's fantasized about seeing her lick from a dog's dish. You're worried he might be controlling every aspect of her life, but she doesn't seem to be distressed. Could what you perceive to be tyrannical oversight just be part of a consensual power dynamic they've established in their relationship? We'll try to find answers to this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/553 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Why are height and salary correlated? [Thanks to Scott Galloway for this one!] Is your best friend really being controlled by a domineering fiancé, or is this just a consensually kinky aspect of their relationship? Your ex-husband swapped out libido-killing medication (that treated his anxiety and depression, but contributed to your divorce) for cannabis and junk food. This seems to leave him with a loss of appetite, but how can you find reliable information to confirm what's really going on and help him out of his funk? Should you file an ethics complaint against your neighbor who's trying to sabotage your home sale -- after refusing your initial, generous offer to sell to them first?  [Once again, thanks to Corbin Payne for helping us with this one!] How do you know when it's time to stop negotiating and accept the terms of a job offer without feeling like you've left some unknown variable on the table? You now make even more money in 10 hours or less per week than you did in 70 hours working for someone else. But how can you dispel the anxiety and guilt you feel because your supportive partner is still grinding out 60-hour workweeks? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with my Feedback Friday producer, the Jerry to my Ben, the Daz to Mahagen. Is it Dosh or Daz? My co-confectioner and consultation,

Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills are the world's most fascinating people, and we turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave,

and our mission is to help you become, a better informed, more critical thinker so you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind. Now, if you're new to the show, on Fridays we give advice to you, we answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations

with a variety of absolutely amazing guests, from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week, we had T-pane, and it was hilarious. He also explained how he managed to spend $90 million and go totally broke, which, by the way, not easy to do, $90 million, and then make it all back. He made it all back, supposedly.

I mean, I didn't check his bank books, but, you know, he seems to be doing all right. We also had Will Store on status and the human need for status. This conversation touched on evolutionary psychology, social psychology, social dynamics, a great mix for this show, I'd say. If you're joining us for the first time or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show, we now have episode starter packs. These are collections of your favorite episodes, organized, by popular topic that'll help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show.

So just visit jordanharbinger.com slash start to get started. I also write every so often now and again on the blog, the latest post, how to find the right business partner. Now, it's kind of funny that I'm maybe not qualified to write this because I've had so many bad business partners, but I've also been kind of a shitty one. To be fair, some of it's me, right? At least I would assume so. This one, this article is going to be gold for anyone looking for a new partner, a teammate, a collaborator, whether it's for a startup or a side hustle, or even inside an established company. We talk about the red flags to avoid in prospective partners, how those qualities play out in a business relationship, and of course which green flags to take seriously as well, all based

on my experience and various businesses over the years. I also interviewed a few of my entrepreneur buddies who are highly successful, many of them way, like leagues exponentially more successful than myself for their wisdom about what makes a great partnership work. Tons of good stuff in this one. I even learned a few new things myself. You'll find that and all of our articles at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. So make sure you've had a look and a listen to everything we created for you here this week. Now something I noticed, Gabriel, that was interesting. And Scott Galloway talked about this on the program. Hight and salary are correlated. I think many of us have heard that before. but it's not because people are rushing to hire or promote taller people because of their

commanding presence or something like that. I originally thought, oh, you know, taller people get promoted or they do whatever. No, it's actually height at age 16. That's what matters. And this is really interesting. Hight at age 16 or so thereabouts. That determines your social status. Speaking of Will's Stor and status. That determines your social status when status becomes important. I mean, there's status games at elementary school and middle school to a degree, but there's very sort of, well, they're childish and they're juvenile and they remain such, generally. When you are 18 or 16, that's the model you take with you through life. And it influences a hell of a lot, including salary and economic success. It also changes how you behave, what status you

find yourself in, what status you accept for yourself. So if you've got kids, build confidence in them early, not arrogance, confidence. It matters later down the line. Or, you know, like, stretch about and make them taller. That works too. More from Skiske. Doc Galloway in episode 473 of the Jordan Harbinger show, by the way. And you can always go to any show by going to Jordanharbinger.com slash and then the number of the show. So Jordanharbinger.com slash 473. We'll take you right there. All right. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailback? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. My best friend lives in another state. We communicate through voice messages, and I have noticed that she only talks to me when she isn't around her fiancé of two years. Even if I send a text message, she tends not to respond until she is alone. I get that people are busy, but even when I had a family member pass away this year and let her know via text, she read the text and didn't get back to me for a couple of days. She speaks very highly of her fiancé, and he's seemingly a nice, outgoing guy.

I've heard her say things like, I'm going to send this real fast while he's outside, or, hold on, I think he's listening in the other room. She doesn't seem scared of him, but she rarely, if ever, talks about their relationship. Once, she told me that he has a fantasy of having her lick from a dog bowl. Okay. My friend is a passive person who perhaps is just really private, but I wonder if her fiancé is behind the scenes controlling. I want to let her know that I'm always here for her and check in and make sure that we are

all good, but I'm not sure if he goes through her phone. I know if I called her to talk to her, she wouldn't answer, so I'm really not sure how to check in on her. What would you do? Signed, Tangled in a Tense Triangle. All right. This is definitely kind of suss. Well, maybe it is anyway.

It's hard to say what's really going on here. This guy might be controlling your friend behind the scenes, listening in on her phone calls, watching her every move. It would definitely explain some of her behavior. But it could also be that your friend is just a very private, almost awkwardly private person. And I think we all know some of those, right? She hasn't learned how to be open about other parts of her life,

maybe in front of her fiancé. She wants to keep that stuff sequestered from him, especially her friendship with you, which is like not a great scenario either. by the way, that might speak to other issues in their relationship. But yeah, there's no way to know for sure. No one really knows what's going on inside a relationship other than the people inside that relationship. And there isn't much you can do to change that if your friend isn't willing to talk about it or ready to talk about it. But that doesn't mean you can't be there for her, which is the most important thing, arguably.

I would keep checking in on her, maintain your connection, keep a line of communication open. We've talked about this before with people who are like in cults or abused, right? You don't want to be like, I'm never talking with you anymore, because then they have nowhere to go. But then the next time you're talking on the phone and you know she's alone, I would tell her, hey, listen, I love you a lot, you're my best friend. I don't mean no overstep here. I just want to make sure you're okay. I notice sometimes you can't really talk when Jason's around and you take a while to respond to my texts.

And I just want to ask if everything is cool because I'm a little concerned and I want to make sure that you're okay because, you know, you're my bestie, whatever, something like that. Keep it open ended at first. Tell her you're there for her no matter. What, make it safe for her to open up. If she engages with you, listen, try to understand whatever it is she's going through, and then slowly work up to the question you really want to ask, which is whether this guy is actually eavesdropping or controlling what she does.

Maybe you'll find out that he is, in which case this is going to be a much longer conversation with your friend about whether this is the kind of relationship she wants to be in, how she ended up in it, how she's reinforcing that dynamic by playing along with her fiance's controlling behavior, all that. You know, that's going to take a while to unpack, or at least it probably will, if your friend is even willing to go there in the first place. Or maybe you find out he's not this controlling monster, and your friend is just being overly private, overly paranoid, maybe insecure in the relationship for some other reason, and just talk around him, and then you can rest assured that she's not under this guy's thumb. But then it's a conversation about why she

feels like she can't talk around him, or why she doesn't respond to your important text when you guys are supposed to be best friends. And maybe you play that BFF card as kind of a way to draw her out. Like, I consider you my best friend. We're super close. But when my aunt died this year and you didn't hit me back for four days, that kind of hurt. I'm guessing, you know, I'm just wondering why you're not responding to something important in a timely way. Am I missing something? That kind of thing. So less accusatory and more kind of like, hey, you know, fill me in. Whatever she says, I would approach your friend with curiosity and compassion. That's really the most you can do. You can't control what she does or how she's willing to engage around the topic of her fiance, but you can check

in on her, let her know you're available to talk whenever she needs, and you might have to tolerate the discomfort of getting an unsatisfying response for her or just like having her sweep this under the rug and getting no response at all. I know that's frustrating and may be pretty worrisome, but this is her life and you have to let her live it. Gabe, I don't know. Something definitely feels off here. Maybe I just can't put my finger on it. Oh, definitely. Whether it's the more alarming scenario or the less concerning one. I'm not sure, like you said, no way to really tell for sure. But there's definitely something going on. And Jordan, I even wonder if maybe she feels, I mean, look, I'm speculating here, but I wonder if her friend feels like she is so close to the woman who wrote in that she's maybe

trying to protect her fiance from that feeling. Like maybe he gets a little competitive or he feels like she can't be close with two people and she doesn't even want to go near that. Not healthy. Not that much better than him actually controlling her. But it would explain a lot of what she's doing. What I'm curious about is what the topics of conversation are. Like when your friend says she can't talk because her fiance might be listening, is she talking about him or is she just, I don't know, talking about her day or her boss or whatever it is. I understand wanting to have some privacy if she feels like venting to you about a fight she had with her fiancee, for example. We all need some one-on-one BFF time. I get it. But if your friend feels like she has to make her fiance feel like she only belongs to him,

that's a very different story. Although you did say that she rarely, if ever talks about it. their relationship. So it sounds to me like she's maybe hiding from him in general. And yeah, I would say that's a little concerning. Not your problem, but concerning. And that's something I would definitely try to get her to talk about if she's willing to. The dog bowl thing, though, that's interesting. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. So look, that also is setting off some alarm bells in the context of her friend's behavior, but only really in that context, right? There's an element seemingly of humiliation and control to that fantasy. That could fit with a controlling partner, or he could just be a kinky little minks letting his freak flag fly. We don't know.

Right, exactly. It could for sure be either of those things. It could be totally innocent, like you're saying, especially if her friend is the one who's being paranoid and her fiance doesn't really care whom she talks to, then it's, yeah, it's completely unrelated. But you're right, in this context, assuming that there's something going on here where both of them might be creating this situation, the dog bull thing, not a crime, not outright abuse on its own or anything like that. But it might speak to an underlying dynamic between the two of them. Again, though, it's her choice. There's nothing wrong with that if she actually wants to do it. Yeah, plus, we only know like that particular detail, because he might have said, like, I want you to drink from a dog ball while, like, you know, whipping me with something. And that's like, okay, well,

now who's the dumb and who's the sub. It's complex now. Very confusing. Yes, it's also confusing. Right. Even that detail, like you said, it's not really this person's business. It's her friend's relationship. She can be there for her. She can invite her to talk about it and support her, but she can't really expect to change her behavior on her own. So I'd encourage your friend to tell you what's really going on and then decide how strongly to intervene from there, knowing that there's just only so much you can do. If she's in trouble, I hope you can help her. But if she isn't, I hope y'all can stay friends. But if she continues to pull away, that might be a sign that your relationship is changing, which sucks, right? I totally understand that. It does happen, especially with big life changes and other relationships.

I wouldn't give up on her or anything, but I would acknowledge the signals that she's sending you and just make sure that y'all are still on the same page about the terms of your own friendship. Good luck. By the way, you can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise, descriptive subject line. That makes our job a lot easier.

Include the state and country that you live in. We can give you more detailed advice. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you need a new perspective on something that has to do with life, love, work, how to deal with your anger after putting up with your parents' abuse for years, whatever's got you staying up at night lately.

Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help. We keep everyone anonymous. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. My ex-husband has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past. He stopped his antidepressants six years ago after increasing the dosage to the point where it wasn't working that well

and interfered with his libido. This contributed to our divorce last year. Since the legalization of cannabis, he started using it in increasing quantities. He can't get through a day now without smoking his oil pens. He says he has absolutely no appetite if he doesn't smoke. In addition, he gets attacks of nausea so bad that he has to take a prescription for it. From my observation, the loss of appetite started around the time he switched to the oil pen and increased his usage. He also takes CBD with THC capsules for back pain on a regular basis. I recently went with him to the grocery store. His cart was filled with

three boxes of popsicles, eight large Hershey chocolate bars, two pepperage farm chocolate cakes, two boxes of hostess cupcakes, two boxes of hot tamales, five TV dinners. He says that when he can't eat, he forces himself to get calories from sugar. I've searched the internet, but there's very little discussion about severe loss of appetite and cannabis usage. His doctor has dismissed him saying, get used to it, but I'm very worried about him. I know you guys might not be able to give medical advice, but how do I find reliable information and help this condition and how do I support him through it? Additionally, how can we wean him off of cannabis use if that really is the problem when it's one of the only things that has helped him with his mental health? Signed,

saving the man I'm no longer dating from this frustrating, self-medicating. Well, you're right, we can't give medical advice. We're definitely not qualified to do that, but I can share some general thoughts here. First of all, you're not wrong to be concerned about your ex-husband. It sounds like he's wrestling with a lot of issues, both physical and mental, and he's struggling to find a treatment that works, which I have a lot of sympathy for that, honestly. He's swapped his meds for cannabis. Maybe that's helped. Maybe it's created new problems, hard to say.

Although, I got to say, I doubt that smoking weed all day is an effective substitute for medication if you have a true mood or anxiety disorder that has been medicated in the past. Again, I'm not a doctor, but anxiety disorders in particular, they often cause changes in appetite, and they can also cause nausea. So as far as we all know, your ex-husband is suffering from anxiety. It was diagnosed as such, which might be causing the loss of appetite and nausea, which he has to take another prescription to deal with. And then he's just smoking more weed, which who knows, that might be exacerbating the anxiety, and then he's coping with junk food, which when really he might just need to be properly medicated and or treated in other ways.

The food thing, though, is especially concerning. You know, he might be working around the nausea, but all those sweets sound like a, it sounds like what you'd want if you had the munchies from smoking too much weed, honestly. Totally. Saying that he, right? I mean, come on. Saying that he forces himself to get calories from sugar

when he can't eat, I don't want to be like, that's not what you're really doing, but I don't really get that. Can't he just force himself to eat healthier food? If you want calories, eat some like paleo or what is that new ketogenic foods. Don't eat a freaking box of Twinkies.

You know, he's not doing himself any favors here. All that sugar is definitely wreaking havoc on his body, blood sugar, et cetera. So he's going through a lot right now. It's probably very hard for him to manage. And more relevantly, it's going to be very hard for you to manage on your own. So if I were you, I would help your husband see that he needs to take better care of himself, as if that hasn't occurred to you before. I'm sure that happened before you guys got divorced.

But, you know, you can point out what you're noticing about the food and the cannabis and the symptoms and tell them that it's not healthy, it's not sustainable. if you're willing to, help him find a new doctor who can look at his symptoms holistically, not just writing prescriptions for one or two of them, but really considering the whole picture and help him figure out what's going on. Don't settle for a doctor who tells him to just get used to it. What kind of lazy ass, indifferent-ass doctor says something like that? That's, honestly, that pisses me off, that that even happened to you and to him. There's got to be someone out there who can help. Ideally, a doctor who understands cannabis,

how it works, what it can and cannot do, and isn't just going to brush off Yel's concerns. Then I would encourage your ex to get a lot more proactive about taking care of himself, not just self-medicating his symptoms, which is kind of what it sounds like. This means finding the right medication for his anxiety and depression if he needs it, but also changing his behaviors, going to therapy, eating well, exercising, socializing, all of that, that all is helpful. Sure, cannabis can help with certain problems. I'm not an anti-weed guy at all.

kind of the other way around. But usually it helps more mild or superficial issues. It can also turn you into a damn zombie who sits on the couch and watch his Discovery Channel all night while you go to town on a box of Pepperidge Farm, right? I mean, come on. You're not working your issues that way. You're just numbing. And that's only going to make things worse. So rather than nag your ex-husband to change, I would help him see the problem more clearly and empower him to seek out the resources that he needs. Finding a good primary care physician and a good therapist is going to be a good first step. Maybe you find some names, help him get there. Maybe you encourage him to keep going, get him back on track, give him some encouragement, show him a way forward. But honestly, after that,

this is his journey. Bluntly, you're not his wife anymore. You're his ex-wife. It's very sweet that you're still looking after him. He's lucky to have you as a friend. But like you said, this is part of the reason y'all split up. Ultimately, his well-being is his responsibility, not yours. And I don't mean to sound callous. You can guide. You can help. You can support, but don't, you can't make him do anything, and you shouldn't, just like the friend from the previous question. That might be infuriating and sad and hard to accept sometimes. It's so hard to watch people you love struggle, but it's key.

You've got your own life to lead. Make sure you're taking good care of yourself, too. I hope your ex-husband gets better, and I'm sending you both good thoughts. Seems hard, Gabe, to, nobody happy eats like that. That's like, you know, that was my major thing, and it's not like we needed that as the final clue in the puzzle if he's got depression and anxiety, but I know plenty of people that suffer from those things and they work out and they do yoga and they go to their doctor and they go to their therapist and they're managing quite well. This guy, when your diet is like that, you've kind of

just said, fuck it and gave him up, in my opinion. Right. Coping, masking, numbing, or just dealing with the, yeah, there's something deeper going on. He needs to get to that. Exactly. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right back. When it's time to scale your business, it's time for Shopify. Get everything you need to grow the way you want. Like all the way. Stack more sales with the best converting checkout on the planet. Track your cha-chings from every channel, right in one spot,

and turn real-time reporting into big-time opportunities. Take your business to a whole new level. Switch to Shopify. Start your free trial today. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger. show. All right, next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. My two brothers and I inherited a house when my aunt died last year. We were going to sell it to her neighbor, but we didn't have a clear title to the house, so we can do it. We finally got the title clear earlier this year. We offered it again to the neighbor,

but the situation had changed and he couldn't buy it anymore. So logically, we put the house on the market for almost $100,000 more than we initially offered it to him. Since then, he has done everything in his power to sabotage our sale, usually by button-holing. polling prospective buyers and providing them with a litany of problems with the house. I can't exactly understand his motive, given that he's the one who rejected our offer. Right now, we're on buyer number five, and he's doing his damnedist to sabotage this one, too. I live about two and a half hours away, and my brothers are out of state, so it's not like we can camp out and shoe him away every time he approaches one of our buyers.

I really don't want to go through the hassle of suing this guy, though I have been documenting everything I can. On the other hand, he does work for a large corporation that has a strict ethics policy. I'm thinking of filing an ethics complaint against him in an effort to get him to shut up long enough for us to get a sail through. I'm a believer in what goes around comes around, so I'm really hesitant about putting that energy out into the world, but I'm desperate at this point. As an added bonus, his wife works for the Department of Justice in our state and is also running for local office, so I could really open up a can of worms here that could blow back on me since I live in the same state. I have everything I need to pull the trigger on this, but I'm hesitating.

What would you do? Signed, going to war with the A-hole next door. Man, this is all sorts of ugly. If a neighbor did this, to me, I'd be friggin' furious. I get your anger, and I also appreciate that you don't want to contribute to the dysfunction by retaliating and just causing all kinds of drama. You are clearly the bigger person here, but sometimes bullies and nuisances need to be put in their place.

So, how do you do that? As we often do, we consulted with Corbin Payne, defense attorney, and friend of the show, because of course, you know, I want to make sure I'm not overstepping any bounds here. Corbin's not a real estate attorney, but he is kind of a guru in handling tough situations in general, so we wanted to get his take on this. First of all, I'm really glad that you're documenting everything. That's crucial no matter what you do. Approaching his company is a clever idea, but I wonder if their ethics policy would cover an external situation like this, and even if it does, I wonder if it's enforceable in any real way. His company might just shrug and say, sorry, this has nothing to do with us, although maybe they'd have a chat with him about it, and that would maybe put him in check just long enough for you to sell the house.

In terms of the Department of Justice official pursuing a vendetta against you guys, Corbyn thinks it's not completely outside the realm of possibility, but it's unlikely. Public officials, they tend to have a lot more power where they live as opposed to far away. And Corbin said he might be worried that if you were living in the same town, they could do something, but he's a lot less concerned about somebody three hours of. way. Also, that would be pretty far beyond the pale for her to abuse her power like that. It's not impossible, but what are they going to do? Sick the sheriff's department on you three hours away because you told her husband to stop being an asshole and interfering with your home sale. I mean, it's just, that's pretty unlikely in the United States, right? We have some corruption and we have some of that stuff, but like this isn't small town, sons of anarchy, bikers and cahoots with the

local sheriff, right? This is like, it's a normal sort of civilized place. So Corbyn's advice is to hire a local attorney who specializes in civil litigation or real estate litigation. A local attorney can give you and your brother's good counsel on taking next steps. I totally understand your reluctance to go the legal route, but this might not be as onerous as you think. If nothing else, your attorney could fire off a demand or cease and desist letter, the name varies jurisdiction to jurisdiction. But basically, they could write a letter that would put your neighbor on notice that he's way out of line and that legal action may be taken against him if he doesn't cut it out. Let him know you've been documenting this. You know, not like,

he probably thinks he's sitting there getting away with it. But if you're like, hey, we're keeping track of this. We've got their names and contact info. These people are willing to say you came to them and said a bunch of nasty stuff about the house and about us. Attorneys write these often. They're not that expensive. They tend to be pretty cheap. In fact, there's probably one where they fill in the freaking blanks. A lot of attorneys have that kind of thing. Now, if that doesn't work out, Corbyn recommends you strongly consider taking your neighbor to court. Now, as you probably Probably no. I generally advise against litigation. It's usually a massive waste of time and money, and even if you're right, it has to be damn worth it to get tangled up in a prolonged energy

and resource suck. And Corbyn tends to agree. In fact, he said that he spends more time counseling people against litigation than he does pursuing it. But given the facts in this case, asking a judge for something called injunctive relief, which is basically a court order for somebody to stop doing a certain activity, that might be appropriate. And it's well worth the investment of time and money if you find that you're not able to sell this house. The good news is, actions for injunctive relief can be pretty quick and painless, especially in a situation like this. You're not asking somebody to stop running their business. You're asking somebody to stop interfering in a tortuous way against your selling of the house and property. You're asking them to

stop interfering in your property. It's kind of like selling someone to have their dog stay off your lawn. not like, well, there's two sides to the story. It's like someone's dog is on your lawn and they're not supposed to be there. You need a judge to say, knock it off. And Corbyn's experience most requests for injunctive relief are knocked out in a single court appearance. It's not a big to do. If you're successful in your injunction, your neighbor would be ordered by the judge so

by law to quit bad-mouthing the house and interfering with the sale in any way whatsoever. If he does it again after getting hit with an injunction, then he's in contempt of court. That is a crime that can carry civil and criminal penalties. he'd be looking at either paying a fine or spending several days in jail, which should sap any pleasure your neighbor is getting out of sabotaging your sale. Hopefully one of these two options stops him in his tracks, at least long enough to sell the house, then it's not your problem anymore. You just move on with the rest of your life. Yes, and one thing that is also working in their favor is that they don't live next to this guy, right? They just happen to inherit the house in some other neighborhood. So it's not like they

have to be on perfect terms with the neighbor and live in the house. I mean, it's like three months, get them off your back, move on with your life. I think that's going to make things a little easier. That said, a full-on lawsuit for monetary damages, Corbyn does think that might actually be appropriate here, depending on the numbers, of course. If your neighbor has caused you to lose sales at the top of the market, and the home is then sold later at a much lower price, this neighbor could be sued for the difference between those two prices. Corbyn explained that in the past, these types of lawsuits usually weren't worth of trouble, honestly. There was either too little money involved or it just wasn't obvious enough that the house could have been sold at that higher price. But this current real

estate market, it's a roller coaster. We obviously don't know what the market is like where your house is located, but if it's anything like the market in a lot of American cities right now, it's probably pretty hot. So if push comes to shove, arguing that the house would have sold at the top of the market if this neighbor hadn't scared off these buyers, that could be a much easier argument now than it has been in the past. And the amount of money that you've lost, that could be enough to warrant the cost of a lawsuit. Corbyn did say that a lot of attorneys right now, this was interesting, they're actually gearing up to litigate over home sale snafus in the near future, since there's just so much money on the line and lots of people are getting into situations like this one.

So this might be the perfect time to sue an a hole across the driveway for this exact sort of thing. But again, we only recommend doing that if you've actually lost out on a significant sum here, if you're willing to go through the time and the expense of a lawsuit, and also if these other strategies don't work. Because suing, even if you have a great case, just always has a way of getting ugly, right? And it could antagonize this guy even more. And even if you do win, who knows what he might do to avoid paying out. But either way, your next move is going to be the same. Hire a local attorney. And if all else fails or you decide to go a different way, you could get a little crafty here. I wonder if the person running against this guy's wife in that local election,

if that person would be interested in this story, right? I mean, look, it's a little bit shifty, but that could be good ammunition in their campaign, right? This is my opponent. She's not a good person. In fact, her husband is making life hell for his neighbor, stopping them from selling their house out of spite. Is this the kind of person you want representing you?

That kind of thing. I know it seems petty, but that option is on the table too. And you probably wouldn't have to, like, run ads for this and do this. They might just see you taking steps towards this and say like, look, you might even say, and you'd have to do this through your lawyer, we could publicize this, I know your wife is in an election. You don't want to threaten them. That's, you know, that puts you in the line of fire. But there are ways to sort of mention these concerns that they might not be noticing and get them to notice them. Do it diplomatically.

You know, do it through your attorney. So if I were you, I would start with the easiest, cheapest, and less dramatic option, and then escalate from there as needed. I'd keep your eye on the prize, which is to sell the house, get your money, move on. The last thing you want to do is be tangled up in a tussle with some freaking busybody schmo, who has nothing better to do than convince people not to buy a house just because he's pissed off and jealous and that he missed it and can't afford it. This guy just screams energy vampire loser waste of time. So balance all of those factors, find a good attorney, and best of luck, we're rooting for you guys. You know what, Gabriel, this just occurred to me. Part of me thinks this jackass. This jackass.

is scaring the buyers away so that the seller, you know, the writer, will have to lower the price and then he'll go, oh, yeah, oh, hey, look, I'll take that off your hands at that price. You know, it's a terrible strategy because why the hell would you reward that behavior? But that might be what he has in mind. Remember, he wanted the house before. Then the market was high, so he rejected the offer. Or for some reason he rejected the offer, maybe because he thought, I paid $3.50 for my house, and you want $5.50?

Screw that. I'm not paying that. you know, and then he thinks, if I just make it impossible for you to sell, you'll give it away at a price that I can afford that I want to pay. Otherwise, why freaking bother with this bullshit? Why would you do that? I mean, you either have to be the pettiest person on earth or you're trying to scrounge together a little bit of cash over the next six months and you're just trying to buy it some time. You're buying time and you're trying to damage the ability to sell the house so that maybe then he says, look, I can't get your offer, but I can do $100,000, you know, lower.

and then they go screw it, right? And then he's finally got the down payment or the cash. I think that's got to be what's going on. Because otherwise, what is the reason for this shit? You know? Why? I'm with you, but I've also met and heard of neighbors who do insane shit like this because they have nothing better.

I mean, squirrel and mailbox, right? It's incredible. Squirrel, mailbox. Enough said. Yeah, we don't really need to analyze it too much. Squirrel, mailbox, etc. How do you explain people's motivations? there takes all kinds and this is one of them.

Yeah, that's true. Especially neighbors. I don't know what the deal is, but like people really get each other's goats and get under each other's skin. And then it's like there's a beef and then it's like whose side are you want. Like even our neighborhood has that. There's a guy who lights off fireworks sometimes and I think he probably like drinks or something. He's actually a really nice guy.

I've talked to him a bunch of times. But one neighbor just hates him, hates him. And no, like I don't really know the details, but that neighbor talks. to our next door neighbor who tells us like, yeah, yeah, so-and-so hates him because he'd bubble. And it's just like, are you like in the clique with the people that don't like them? Or are you in the click with the people that do like them? And I'm like, I'm in the click that doesn't get a squirrel in their mailbox. I'm in the click that doesn't get beer cans thrown on the lawn or like has fireworks

shot off in his direction. I'm in the click that can go to anybody's barbecue and not have to leave because the other guys there. That's the click that I meant, okay? Yeah, but it just happens. And I think people are bored and like people, you know, it's a fundamental attribution. error. You must be lighting fireworks because you're a terrible person, not because, like, you know, you've got a kid in the house that likes doing it. I don't know. Right. But neighbors

love to just do this to each other. I don't understand. Not worth the time. I have to think that the whole work from home thing has given rise to more of this bullshit. So much beef, yeah. If you're at the office, eight, ten hours a day, you don't have time to buttonhole the fricking buyers of the house next door. Like, you have other places to be, you're not even on the property. But now everybody's zooming in between their Zoom calls, they can lean out the window and be like, yeah, these people are monsters, like, the foundation of the house is crumbling. You might want to stay away from the house. Right. This is one of the unfortunate nightmares of what the pandemic has done to work, like, just more problems in the vicinity when you're trying to sell a house that you just want to

get off your hands. Yeah. Oh, you know, another note, the guy's probably going to say, oh, well, I'm not doing anything. I'm just telling them the truth about the house, which, you know, how do you know there's a crack in the foundation, whatever? But, you know, he's going to argue that he's telling the truth, so he's not doing anything wrong. But if I'm the buyer, Right, and I go into that house, even if I know that he's full of crap and, like, the inspection shows there's no cracks in the foundation. I don't want to live next to that guy. Yep. Right?

Like, even if he's in his own front yard, minding his own business, but he's, like, dancing in his tidy whitties, I don't want to live next to that guy. That's the thing. Like, he doesn't even have to talk to me. If he's out there banging a snow shovel against his own mailbox for no reason, I'm like, nope, no thanks. We got it crazy. I don't want any part of this. I don't want to give the guy any ideas. Yeah, this is a problem because even if they say, hey, listen, I just want you to know that we have this crazy neighbor, he's angry because he didn't get the house, so he's making up all this stuff about it.

They're still going to think, okay, the house is fine, but I got to live next to this guy. Yeah. That's the problem that makes me think that they might need to go the injunctive relief route to actually get anything done. Me too. Yep, agreed. This is the Jordan Harbinger show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show.

Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. who doesn't love some good products and or services. You can always visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Hi, guys. After keenly following the insights from your show,

I've found myself with a job offer that is significantly higher than my current salary is fully supporting my residency visa in my new country and provides a generous bonus structure. I have already started the negotiation by showing market validation and I'm ready to explore other options I can ask for, such as being close to the crown, you know, dinner or lunch with the managing partner a couple times a year, being considered for internal initiatives, requesting coaching support, requesting a success

lab with my key stakeholders to ensure that we focus and we agree on our game plan and so on. I'm still relatively new in this country. It's been only two and a half years, so I don't have the strongest network, strongest client list, or the strongest market understanding to push harder, but I have done a lot to bring myself up to speed and continue to work hard on my relationships, my experience, my well-being, my knowledge, and the impact that I can have. Given all of this, should I not negotiate too hard, when do I need to keep going, and when do I stop? Signed, keep stack in the table, or be grateful that I'm stable. Well, first of all, nicely done on landing such a great offer. That I think is awesome.

It sounds like you're doing really well in your new country, which can't be easy. You're working hard. You're investing in yourself. You know what you're you're you're you're worth, and that's all very exciting, there's actually no right answer to your question. But here are a few principles that'll help. In a negotiation in general, one of the most important things to know is when to walk away, what your absolute bottom line is. Your way above that. So everything you're asking for now is basically gravy. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask for it, just recognize that your needs are more than being met, so now you're pushing for the best possible deal, which is fine. So as you negotiate, I would balance your requests with the signals

your employer is sending you. Here's what I mean. It's important to know your worth, but you also don't want to be annoying or greedy. That could piss people off. This is especially true in companies where you're not just dealing with some random person in HR, but where your compensation is maybe being approved

by the people who will end up being your managers or colleagues once you join. Probably depends on how big the company is, how it's organized. But if you spend eight weeks haggling with your CEO over three more days of PTO and wasting a bunch of time, that could sour the whole relationship from the jump.

So be sensitive to that. I'm not saying you should back down completely, but just be thoughtful about what you really want, especially since what you're pushing for at this point, isn't, it's not like I need another 6K so that I can pay my mortgage or I've got kids in there. One has a health problem and I need the money.

It's more like, I want a three-day workshop with the SVPs and a public speaking coach so I can really be on point. Not to trivialize that, but it's a different need. It's a different level of need. It's not even a need. It's a want. I'd pick your battles and prioritize the future of your relationships over these seemingly minor short-term gains. That, again, doesn't mean you can't ask for these things, but I might not dig my heels in too much if they push back. Yeah, I totally agree. And I would also

think about which demands you really need to be making formally. The dinner with the managing director, that jumped out of me. I mean, I understand you want to be close to the crown, as you put it, but does this MD know you? How does he feel about you? Do you guys, have a pre-existing relationship. I'm not sure how I would feel if I were that MD and my HR rep came to me and said, yeah, so this new hire, this guy we're talking to, he's demanding lunch with you at friggin McCormick and Schmick with you every six months if he's going to accept our offer. You're okay with that? That could sound a little presumptuous. It could come across a slightly annoying, maybe a little smarmy. I mean, you can always ask for that lunch once you join,

and it'll be way more fun if he actually wants to be there at that lunch. So I don't know if I would drag that particular negotiation point into this conversation. Yeah, that seemed odd to me, too. There's a smart invitation once he's in and he's building those relationships organically, but to request it from the outset as part of his deal, it feels a little like maybe not smarmy, maybe a little Machiavellian. I'm not sure exactly. It's not that bad. It's not quite that level. I think you'll have more success, though, getting to know that MD or that director or that managing partner by doing great work versus demanding his company for dinner and writing. I'm definitely a fan in general of getting close to the crown at work and negotiating this,

but you might want to do that only after you've been there for a short while and you know who the crown is and they know who you are as well, at least a little bit. Otherwise, it might seem like contractually enforced brown-nosing instead of like you trying to network with the right people to move your career forward. So here's my recommendation. Rather than playing hardball on all the gravy, I'd just get into this company as soon as possible, start knocking it out of the park. And then in a year or so,

you can ask for a promotion and bring up some of these benefits. And then the conversation won't be, hey, give me all this stuff so I'll join your company. It'll be, I've been killing it at your company. If you want me to stick around and keep killing it,

here's what I could use. That's a very different conversation. And you'll probably have a lot more success without damaging any goodwill. Good luck on the new job. All right, next up. Hiya, boys. after 13 years, a recession, and the Panny D, I have finally made the extremely calculated jump

to being an independent boss lady. My new studio is a quarter of the commute I was doing before, and I'm already covering all of my lost income in just 7 to 10 hours of work on average a week. This leaves me with loads of free time. I know that things will get busier the longer I'm open, so I'm trying not to fill all of that free time with new commitments. Meanwhile, my extremely supportive partner continues his 60-hour work week. Q the anxiety and guilt. I'm leveling up my qualifications for my trade to handle my imposter syndrome, and my P&L is trending in the right direction,

but I'm still left feeling like a freeloader. How do I reconcile that just because I'm not working 70 hours a week anymore, I'm still successful and not a drain on the household? Signed, a boss lady feeling a little shady about this gravy lifestyle lately. Okay. Well, this is really cool, though. Congrats on making the jump to your own business, ramping up quickly. that's super exciting, to say the least. I can see why you'd feel some anxiety

about your new schedule, though. It probably feels like you're cheating the system somehow, especially when you're with somebody who has a much more traditional career and it's like, I mean, 70 hours is backbreaking. So I think this really comes down to the values you use to judge yourself in your career. When you're in a traditional job,

those values tend to come from your environment. If you're putting in 70 hours a week with other type A people who are burning the candle, at both ends, then that's your benchmark. But when you leave a job like that, you don't just lose the paycheck in the office. You also lose your whole framework for judging what a good day looks like, what a fair schedule is, how you even value yourself. Hashtag capitalism, right? The whole rubric, that just goes out the window. And suddenly you're out in the wilderness, trying to figure out how to structure your life and evaluate yourself worth when it's just you alone in your studio,

doing whatever you do. I 100% felt that when I left Wall Street and started my own company. And I'm guessing, Gabe, you probably felt it too when you left your old career to be a writer. Oh yeah, definitely. I still do sometimes, actually. It's a really big shift. Yeah, there you go. So I think that it's important to get clear on those values and what they are for you. How do you judge success? What does a good, productive day look like for you? How does it feel? How do you want to spend your time. How much revenue do you want to bring in to know that your business is on track? I would take some time to answer those questions so you can create that sense of fulfillment and security when you don't have a paycheck coming in every two weeks or a boss praising you for

getting your work done on time. Obviously money is going to be one of those values. Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you're doing really well in that department. If your commute is a quarter of what it used to be, your P&L is up and to the right, that's amazing. But it sounds like that's making you feel almost like you're getting away with something, as opposed to feeling like you've made some really smart decisions that allowed you to make more money in a lot less time. And that's normal. You're still in the early days. With time, that anxiety will naturally lift on its own. But I also think that if you get a little clearer on your values, you won't feel this conflicted about doing so well in a non-traditional way. For example, if you decide that making X amount of money in Y number of hours

per week is taking care of you and your partner and giving you the free time you want to do whatever hobbies you've got or ABC hobbies, right? You decided that ABC is important to you too. If you want to use your free time wisely, you'll probably feel a lot better about your lifestyle. It won't be this crazy accident where you lucked out, you hacked the system, it'll be a deliberate choice on your part to live life in a certain way. And you'll know that you're working the way you work for a good reason, a reason that's your own and not somebody else's. Yeah, nicely put, Jordan. It's hard to do. not to feel like you're getting away with something when you're an entrepreneur or a freelancer or an

artist, because in a way, you kind of are. I mean, everyone else has to work eight or 10 or 12 hours a day in a building somewhere with a bunch of other people and you get to work in Adobe in your pajamas with your schnauzer on your lap for six hours or whatever, whenever you want, you know? But if we've learned anything from the pandemic, it's that so many of those rules of traditional corporate life, they were arbitrary. I mean, now a ton of people are working from home. Some of them are scaring buyers away from houses next time they have so much free time. They're working less. They're getting more done. And the idea that if you don't work 70 hours a week with other people in the same space, you're not really doing it right. That's kind of a myth. In fact, the person who barely commutes

and makes more money and less time in my book, that's the person who's figured it out. I mean, that's kind of the dream. It absolutely is the dream. And I'm not saying don't work hard. I'm not saying if you want to work 70 hours a week doing everything and scaling up like crazy, you shouldn't. but if you're finding a faster way to make more money and you're happier, how is that not a good thing? I've really embraced that in the last few years, especially after starting a family, just this idea of like,

I decide what a good day looks like, I control my time, if I can be more successful and free up time that I can spend with my wife and kids, which is a huge part of my life, obviously, that's a win. I don't feel anxious, well, it's kind of a lie. I don't feel as anxious about that anymore.

On the contrary, I feel like it's a deliberate and important choice on my part. Right, right. The guilt that she's feeling, though, that's interesting. It sounds to me like at least some of that guilt is coming from comparing herself to her husband. She kind of feels like a freeloader, like she's a drain on the household. Although I can't really tell Jordan if she feels guilty because she's not working as many hours as she used to or because she's actually bringing in less money right now. So my question is, is that true? Are you a freeloader? Are you actually a drain on the household? If you're not, objectively speaking, not those things. If you're still bringing in as

much money as you used to, but in less time, then you know that that guilt is self-generated. And I would try to make the shift that Jordan just described. But if you are those things, even a little bit, if your partner is actually contributing more than you now and that doesn't sit right with you, then I would talk to him about it. If you need six more months to scale up the business and then you'll be back to making what you used to make or maybe more and your partner is totally cool with that, great. Then you just commit to building your business and know that you're working toward that goal and it will all be very equal again soon and you don't need to be, yourself up for it in the meantime. But I would talk to your partner about whether he feels any of this

is unfair or unequal or just kind of like something that you guys aren't really acknowledging or if this is just entirely in your mind. Regardless, you guys communicating openly about money, about career stuff, different schedules, all of that. That is helpful no matter what. There's a lot of change happening in your relationship right now and you don't want any resentments or disagreements or tension to get swept under the rug. So I say sit down, get clear with each other, just be like, hey, honey, here's what I'm feeling. I'm feeling a little guilty. I work five and a half hours. I bring in as much money as I used to. I know that you still have to go to the office. I want to know if you have any feelings about that. I just don't want it to be this thing between us where because we have different lifestyles, somehow we start resenting each other for different contributions, something like that.

And you might find out that you're carrying around this guilt for really no reason at all, and it would just be nice to be able to put it down. But you got to talk about it first. Agreed. There's a piece of this that is personal to her, and there's a piece of this that exists in her relationship with her partner. So I would explore both of those. You can't go wrong talking stuff out. And while you do, keep in mind that an entrepreneur slash freelancer's lifestyle is always going to look different from a traditional employee. And that's okay. You're not doing anything wrong. It's funny to have to say that, right?

In fact, I think you're doing a lot of things right, as long as you and your partner are on the same page. Congrats again on the big move and best of luck. I really think that there's a lot of, I understand the guilt, right? Especially if she's like, wait a minute, I'm only working this much and I'm making this much money. Should I be more miserable to sort of be on par with my significant other? And the answer is, of course, no.

But you don't want the other person to be like, oh, look at you, sitting around all day, enjoying yourself, how dare you? Right. By the way, I wanted to mention a friend of mine is using a matchmaker. And I was a little skeptical of these before, but it's actually quite a good idea, especially for folks who are looking for, like, long-term relationships, don't have the time slash energy for, like, tons of bad first dates. The matchmaker weeds out all the people who are not a good fit from,

personality values life goal standpoint, and they send you out on dates with people who actually want to spend time with you better than going it alone. And it certainly seems like a easier way to do this than online dating. No more swiping. Huge sense of relief there. And they vet people for you. And so far, so good. You know, like, look, buddy's not married yet, but this things take time. I just wanted to just give them a quick shout out and a recommendation. You can check out three day rule.com slash Jordan. Spell out three, T-H-R-E-E-Dayruel.com slash Jordan. and you can go there and check them out. And, you know, look, stop dating people

that don't look like their photos. I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week, and of course everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out T-Pain. And Will Store, if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I managed to book

all those great people and manage my relationships using systems and tiny habits, check out our six-minute networking course. It's free over on the think-ific platform. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is where you find it. I want to teach you how to dig the well before you get thirsty. Once you need relationships,

it's a little bit late to make them. The drills take a few minutes a day, ignore the habits at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Again, all free, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Transcripts in the show notes. Show notes at Jordan Harbinger. There's a video of feedback Fridays

that goes on our YouTube channel at Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. We've got our Clips channel with stuff you can't find anywhere else at Jordan Harbinger.com slash clips. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also hit me on LinkedIn, and you can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi.

This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, J. Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own. I'm a lawyer, not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto with Corbin Payne. He's a lawyer, not your lawyer.

Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen,

and we'll see you next time. We've got a preview trailer of our interview with Vince Beiser. It's all about sand. You heard me, sand. It's actually quite fascinating. There are even sand mafias killing people over sand.

Check out episode 97 with Vince Beiser right here on the Jordan Harbinger show. If anybody had told me three, four years ago that I was going to be spending my every waking hour thinking and talking about sand, I would have just laughed. It's actually the most important solid substance on Earth. We use about 50 billion tons of sand every year. That's enough to cover the entire state of California every single year. Every year, we use enough concrete to build a wall 90 feet high and 90 feet across right the way around the planet at the equator.

A bunch of sand might get broken off of a mountaintop, washed down into a plane somewhere, and then that sand gets buried under subsequent geological layers and pushed down under the earth and compressed and turned into sandstone. And then that sandstone may get pushed up again by geologic forces over hundreds of thousands of years and worn away again and again broken down back into grains.

So an individual grain of sandstone of sandstone. sand can be millions of years old. We're fully eclipsing the rate of creation here. You're probably sitting in a building made of just a huge pile of sand. All the roads connecting all those buildings also made out of sand. The glass, the windows in all those buildings also made a sand. The microchips, the power our computers, our cell phones, all of our other digital goodies, also made from sand.

So without sand, there's no modern civilization. And the craziest thing about it is we are starting to run out. For more on why Sand is the next petroleum-like resource and some crazy stories about sand pirates and the black market for sand, check out episode 97 with Vince Beiser right here on the Jordan Harbinger show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger Show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same.

Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work itch, search for something you should know

wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.